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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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hamburg
Beautiful jacket- I can see this pairing with a million different looks!
I have a question for the hive, how do you take care of your faux or regular suede skirts? I picked up a gorgeous tan one, but I’m afraid to wear it when I will be sitting, especially at work, because I’m afraid sitting on it so long will wreck it. Should I just put a sweater down and hope for the best? TIA!
KT
I just wear them, that’s what they’re meant for! I’ve found if I do get a mark on them it often brushes right out, but my dry cleaner also does exceptional work with suede and leather pieces, so I think the key is to find a cleaner you trust so you can rock that skirt worry free.
hamburg
Thanks KT, I think I need to just go for it!
Birth Announcements
This is stunning.
Can we discuss birth announcement cards? We’re debating whether to send them. Questions:
do most people like getting them or is it like holiday cards & can annoy some people as “smug” or pretentious? Any do’s or don’t as far as what you like to see? I am drawing a blank for what they should say. Finally, for those that have done them, any recommendations for a service? Minted? Shutterfly? Other?
TIA for your thoughts!!!
KT
I think this is a gray area and it’s very much YMMV. Who are you planning to send this to? Just family and your very closest friend? I think that’s fine. Sending them out to a larger group gives me pause, though I can’t put my finger on exactly why. Perhaps because of concerns about other women struggling to conceive?
Anonymous
the idea that you wouldn’t announce the birth of your child because of others struggling to conceive is beyond me. We didn’t send birth announcements out, but only because we were too lazy to do it. I love receiving them.
KT
That’s a fair point; I tend to be more sensitive to fertility issues since I have a few friends struggling with it who get very emotional easily.
Anonymous
If you have struggled with getting or staying pregnant, you become very sensitive to not wanting to (however unwittingly) inflict on someone else the same pain that innocuous pregnancy or baby announcements caused for you. It doesn’t seem rational if you haven’t been there, but it’s very real.
anon
I am struggling with it. I would never think my family or friends should worry about sharing their joy. Might it cause me some sadness? Yes, but there are lots of things in life that I want that others have. It’s ok to feel sad, but it’s not ok to expect other people to fail to announce a life milestone because you’re sad.
Batgirl
+1 to anon. I struggled with fertility issues and finally got pregnant. There’s being sensitive and then there’s self-censoring a major life event. The birth of a baby is a major event and I think people can cope with being reminded that babies are born, etc. I think people are insensitive in a lot of ways to women and men who are dealing with infertility but I don’ t think this is one of them. And while I totally get that some people will get what might seem as irrationally insensitive, I think there’s only so much you can do to prevent triggering that sort of sensitivity. So send birth announcements but maybe cool it on all the speeches about how you love being a mother and can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t have a baby, etc.
anon for this
I think there are sensitive ways to do this. I received one from someone who went through extensive fertility issues and losses that used the phrasing “with gratitude,” and I thought it was beautiful. I also think that hearing news like this in private (as opposed to being told about a pregnancy or birth in person or on the phone) is really helpful, because it gives those of us who struggle an opportunity to cope with all the mixed feelings and reminders that this kind of announcement can bring. And then when I do speak with the announcer, I can be composed and appropriate.
An announcement that shows you do not take your joy for granted and are truly thrilled with the news actually sounds lovely. Nothing like struggling with ttc and having people complain about how much their pregnancy/kid annoys them.
Congrats on the baby!
I’m torn…. I love seeing pictures of the new baby, but part of me also sees it as a gift grab.
So I would do it more for family and the closest of friends.
Anonymous
This is an interesting point of view to me. It’s an announcement, not a shower invitation, so gifts would have never crossed my mind.
Anonymous
It seems to me like the people that were at or were invited (or you would have invited) to your shower would love to receive an announcement. I don’t see an announcement as a gift grab either – just a lovely way to share your life. People who are offended probably do not like you that much, in which case, what are you losing by potentially offending them?
Whaat
We are supposed to be giving gifts to these!! I am in biiiig trouble. I have a box of like 30. I’ve never sent one gift. I have seen a child named Lazlo though. And I wasn’t mad about it.
Anon
I firmly believe that some people are annoyed by anything announcing someone else’s good news. This is one of the biggest events in your life – if not now, when? Seriously, I do not want to be friends with someone who finds Christmas cards annoying.
Use TinyPrints. They’re amazing. And Google for a coupon code. They’ll have sample wording you can see as you look through.
Anonymous
Agreed. It’s crazy to think some see it as a gift grab. I’ve never given a gift inspired by a birth announcement, and I only received like two gifts after I sent announcements, which I was very surprised by. Not everything is about a gift. Sometimes it’s about sharing joy.
Anonymous
+1
Whaat
+1 This. I dated a guy for a year who went out of his way not to make anyone else annoyed or uncomfortable to insane levels and it took me a while (a year) to realize that’s because he is annoyed by everyone’s joy and finds so many situation uncomfortable. Ain’t got no time for dat.
Anonymous
I’ve often seen them used as shower gift thank you cards when the shower was close to the due date. E.g. – photo card with personal note written on the back. I enjoy getting them but don’t save them.
Cat
I like them and also like holiday cards — Minted and Tinyprints are my favorites. The cards will usually already have whatever you need to “say” preprinted as part of the design — something like “introducing with love” or “welcomed with love.”
However, some people see them as a “gift grab” (feeling obligated to send a baby gift if they receive an announcement) — so be cautious of your mailing list.
Anon
Of course you should send birth announcement cards! I mean, if you want to and if you’re actually able to after having a newborn. Easier said than done!
New people are always with celebrating.
I don’t see them as gift grabby at all. I respond with a gift if I feel particularly moved to send one. I wouldn’t include registry information on the card though. That does feel gift grabby.
Carrie M
We didn’t do them because of a long NICU stay and then not being able to get my act together to do them. But I love receiving them! Since we didn’t do them, I decided to send nice Baptism cards to the small number of family and friends who came over for lunch after the Baptism. I used Minted – very happy with the quality and how quickly we got them. I’ve also used them for holiday cards. Find a coupon code so you don’t pay full price!
Birth Announcements
How long would you say is too long to send one?
Anonymous
I sent them when my daughter was like 2-3 months old. We were super busy and overwhelmed. Shrug.
Jules
This is what my niece has done for her two children. Although I think she was waiting to have cuter baby pictures than the photos of a newborn . . .
Cb
I love receiving them but I’m also one of those people who says “more babies on facebook! more puppies on instagram!”
KT
I can pass the babies on Facebook, but there is NEVER enough puppies!
anonymous
+1. More puppies please!
Anonymous
Are new puppy/kitten announcements a thing? Can they be? Please?
cbackson
I am one of those people that occasionally eyerolls at the “look at my perfect family in our coordinated outfits on the beach at Hilton Head” holiday photo cards (like, seriously, in the south, if you go to certain parts of the SC/GA coast in the summer you will see at least one – and often more than one – well-heeled family on the beach getting “casual” barefoot khakis-and-Lilly-dresses photos taken by a professional photographer for their holiday cards), but I love birth announcements. There is a world of difference between the two – the arrival of a new little one is big exciting news; the fact that your family went to Sea Island yet again isn’t.
Anonymous
But they’re not announcing that they went to Sea Island, they’re sharing a yearly family photo at the holidays. Are pictures of kids no longer desirable once they’re not babies?
cbackson
Well, I’d say that candidly, I don’t really like holiday photo cards because I think that holiday cards should be a personalized expression of well-wishes that’s more about the receiver than the sender, and photo cards to me are far more about the sender than the receiver. But I’m old-fashioned – I send 50-60 holiday cards annually (not photo), and I hand-write a message in each of them. Given that the overall photo holiday card ship has sailed, however, I’d rather get a card that’s an authentic snap of your kids being the ridiculous, hilarious, awesome weirdos that kids typically are, as opposed to something that looks like a cut-rate Garden & Gun photoshoot.
Anonymous
That’s so interesting. Most of the cards we receive these days have a photo on them, and those are displayed on my fridge for nearly the entire year. The cards that are non-photo? We appreciate them but toss them after the new year. I love the picture cards. And you don’t need to have kids to do them either. I have a friend who does one with her puppy. :)
Anonymous
I’m with you on this one cbackson. I’d rather see a collage of photos of the kids doing their thing–little Maggie in her softball uniform and Pete with his spelling bee trophy (or digging for worms or whatever–it doesn’t have to be a “win” photo). The cliche photos with matchy-matchy outfits and backdrops of places the family probably spent 1% of their year are just not that interesting because it looks like a stock frame photo and rarely reflects the family’s personality. It’s also trying way too hard to project the Instagram-perfect vision of their life rather than share with me their actual life, and I’m generally not a fan of furthering the obsession with curated perfection.
Another person
I do think the matchy-matchy pictures are kind of cheesy and dated, but I get why people do them. It can be hard to take a cute picture of all of your kids and hard to see the beauty in what you may see as the daily mess.
Gail the Goldfish
Hah, I read this and could immediately picture the many christmas cards we’ve gotten over the years that are exactly that.
Whaat
Yeah I live in an urban area between three wedding videos and wedding party photos that block traffic are seriously so annoying. My dog pees in that spot every day where you are dragging your $10K dress on the ground! I am not mad they are getting married but I totally get what you are saying about seeing pictures get staged and rolling your eyes. ESPECIALLY when they are in my way and I have to wait 20 minutes for them to move out of the road.
kc esq
My thoughts are that if you want to do it, great. I love baby pictures. I know my mom expressed offense (to me, not the new parents) when she gave a cousin’s daughter a baby shower gift, but never received an announcement. So your baby shower guests is one place to start if you send annoucements!
Walnut
I used Cardstore for mine, because I could just upload my address list and Cardstore mailed them out.
Anonymous
We treated / treat them like Christmas cards and send to the same list. We get them from those that also send Christmas cards.
Anonymous
We used Tinyprints and I designed them and get my addresses in order while waiting for baby to be born (she was 10 days late…). Then I plugged in the weight and date and ordered.
Wildkitten
I appreciate them and I use them to send gifts. My friends are still in the moving-frequently stage of life, so I appreciate having an updated return address for them and sending something inexpensive to celebrate their kid.
workingmomz
I enjoy getting birth announcements!
CJM
I’m 25 and love when receiving birth announcements. I have kept them for my nieces, and it makes me so happy whenever I see them. I am sure that your friends and family will love receiving them also! And I’m confused as to why they would be gift grabby? I’ve never thought of them as annoying but more as announcing to people who care about you that the new little person has arrived! I like a cute picture, full name, birthday and weight and height.
SA
I’d send them to your Christmas Card list. Everyone (IMO) wants to see a squishy baby face!
Anonymous
Definitely not everyone.
Carrie
Yeah, not the cranky curmudgeons who hate other people’s happiness.
Anonymama
Well, I would say the amount of joy brought by sending them probably overwhelmingly outweighs the annoyance/pain brought to a very few. And those few can just toss it, it’s not like anyone’s forcing you to put it up on your fridge.
Laura B
No thoughts really either way, as I get them, glance over them, and then tend to toss fairly quickly. (I think this is a reaction rooted in my mom’s tendency to save every single birth announcement/engagement/wedding invitation ever in random clutter around the house.) I’d never miss them, but they don’t annoy me either.
Random related story: Just this last Christmas, my cousin sent a picture Christmas card with a little writing on the back. I glanced at it and put it up on the fridge (Christmas cards can stay up through Christmas, then get tossed). A couple weeks later my sister texts wondering if I got a card and heard the exciting news. Turns out cousin had announced that they were expecting again on the back of the card, and I had completely missed it. Reading comprehension fail.
2 Cents
A friend of mine is notorious for sending out a picture card with the back filled with like 6-point font listing every milestones of her family’s past year. Even squinting fails to make it more legible!
Edna Mazur
I love getting them! Might be a know your situation though. For the majority of my social circle and family, people would wonder what was wrong if you didn’t send one. For a small portion of my family, they probably wondered what the heck I was doing.
2 Cents
I don’t have kids (though I want them), and I love receiving them. It’s a happy occasion for your family, and sending me one includes me in the celebration (though I also love seeing the pics on Facebook).
MDMom
I sent them and also like receiving them. I didn’t put any photos or announcement on Facebook though, so I knew a lot of extended fam would appreciate getting a photo. If you have put up a ton of pics on Facebook and your announcement list is mostly people who are on Facebook, then I wouldn’t bother. While we are expressing opinions, also resist the urge to put your baby in a bucket or make him/her wear glasses or a giant flower on their head. I roll my eyes at those. Then again, most important thing obviously is to do what makes you happy. If putting a giant flower on baby’s head makes you smile and that’s what you want to share, go for it. You can’t control what other people are annoyed by.
October
+1 I’ll never understand the naked contorted baby poses…just take a nice picture! Especially if you’re paying all that money for photos…. To the OP, I say do the announcements. I sent the one for my first baby to my wedding guest list, bar a few (figuring that they would like to be updated on our family milestones). I was shocked at how many people then sent a gift — I had never viewed announcements as a gift grab — but it was largely extended family so we chose to interpret it as they genuinely wanted to send a little something.
Anonymous preggo
I did a birth announcement email (to save trees), but I think you should do whatever you want. I struggled with IF for years (and multiple losses as well) before having my daughter, but I would never expect someone not to share the addition of a family member with me. I can see being a bit more sensitive about announcing a pregnancy, but the fact of the new human being on earth isn’t going to change and is a cause to celebrate no matter what.
If you are feeling like having announcements printed, go for it…and I think a Holiday card list of recipients is pretty normal. You don’t need to write much, just name, birth date, birth weight if you’d like, and a photo.
Anon
Send them. I’m in the South, but I love receiving them. Minted has some beautiful designs. It’s a huge life-event, and you should send them to celebrate.
In House Lobbyist
I did birth announcements both times and love seeing birth announcements come in the mail. I used Snapfish which is what I use for everything so it was super easy. I sent them to my Christmas card list. As for what to say – if you use one of the photo sites, there will be tons of examples but I always went for full name and birthday. For the second baby, we used a pic of her big brother holding her and said “X is happy to now be a big brother to Y”.
Anonymous
I don’t live in the US but here we email or text close friends/family and a few work colleagues. News spreads.
And honestly it’s such a time suck mailing cards etc. Not to mention environmentally unfriendly.
FWIW, we do the same for festivals (using electronic messages rather than snail mail) so it’s probably a US thing to do actual cards.
KT
Update on Japanese Straightening!
I had it done last week on my very fine, partially curly, partially wavy, extraordinarily frizzy hair.
I was finally able to wash it Saturday night and I rough dried it with my hands and it was perfectly straight and stayed that way. Sunday I did wake up with a few dents at the bottom, I think from just sweating and rolling around it got a bit ragged. I just blew dry that spot with a round brush and it went back to straight.
We had some heavy humidity (I’m in Florida), and before this I could spend an hour flat-ironing my hair, then spend 10 minutes outside and resemble a chia pet, but I walked my dog for over an hour and when I got back in, my hair didn’t have a single sign of frizz or wave.
I’m seriously pleased. My hair looks lovely and natural; I’m so used to the look of flat-ironed hair (which to me always looks a bit stiff, if that makes sense), whereas this is very soft and lovely, like I have naturally perfectly straight hair.
I do recommend blow-drying with a round brush or popping in velcro rollers while you do your makeup to give it some volume and shape, because otherwise it can be a bit flat/severe.
So far, I’m really happy. My hair doesn’t feel damaged at all; it’s very soft and shiny. I was overdue for a haircut anyway, so after the treatment my stylist gave a quick trim (just a ha;f inch), so my ends look nice and neat and un-fried.
Because my hair is pretty flat at the top to begin with and only curled midway down, my stylist said I likely won’t need to come back for a touch-up for 12 months, so yay!
Emmer
I am super interested in this! Our hair textures sound similar. Can I ask whether you have long or short hair, and whether you think hair length makes a difference?
KT
My hair is about 2 or 3 inches below my shoulders. Your hair has to be at least 4-6 inches long for it to work, but otherwise, it works on any hair length. If you google it, you’ll find pictures at every hair length!
Anon for this
I’m gonna go another way with this than most of the comments. Life is about self-improvement. Think about the things he he mentioned. Are these things YOU want to work on for yourself? Are these things that would make you a better person? Your feelings there will be your answer.
It’s wrong for him to make it an ultimatum. But just remember that life is about being your best self, and improving yourself. His approach is all wrong. But look at the root of the sentiment.
Changing for Your Partner
My boyfriend and I had a talk about our future this weekend. He said for him to want to get engaged, I had to be willing to change something about myself: to become “more grown-up”, in his words. From the conversation, I believe this means something like being socially smoother, more polished and less daydreamy…but not in public, when we’re in private together. To an extent, I know what he’s talking about, though it’s never gotten in the way in my personal or business life as far as I know. I can be a bit awkward and odd in some situations, though am generally well-liked (and my boyfriend is awkward and odd, too, though he may not want to admit it). I have a great job, finances, stable life, hobbies, friends, etc.–in fact, much moreso than bf–so the perceived lack of grown-up-ness is just about my affect.
Is this a reasonable thing for him to ask? I’m struggling to decide. On one hand I think, he should love me for who I am instead of trying to mold me into someone else. On the other hand I wonder if saying “this is me, take it or leave it!” is a recipe for being single for the rest of your life. Is this a legitimate criticism, or the act of a man who is always going to find something to be unhappy about? A few months ago he started saying frequently that he wanted us to have a more active lifestyle, and I started going to the gym regularly–I’m glad to be in better shape now, but it is another example of a similar dynamic in our relationship. I don’t always want to be a personal improvement project…and he has lots he could improve, too.
He’s 40 and I’m in my 30s, if it matters, and we’ve been dating a year.
KT
I think as soon as you have to worry about how you present yourself to your partner–trying to appear more polished or sophisticated or pragmatic than you are–you are in for a disaster. You are who you are. Being daydreamy or awkward is what makes you, you! And for him to make this an ultimatum–change how you act with me or no marriage–is ridiculous to me.
What he finds to be annoying or off-putting will be charming to someone else. You’re supposed to be able to relax with your partner, not censor yourself.
Anon
NOPE. Not reasonable. You aren’t a good fit. Daydream-y is a perfectly lovely personality trait, and you should always feel free to be yourself in a relationship.
For me, the line on changing for a partner is whether it betters your life, not just theirs. For example, I’ve recently discovered that my neediness and insecurity is a result of some childhood issues; I’m in therapy and working to change that because it’s good for ME and it also helps us greatly.
But something about who you are as a person? Off-limits. I’ve been with someone who tried to change me; it didn’t work out well.
Changing for Your Partner
Right. Well, it might better my life to be a little more normal and polished, I don’t know…but not as a condition of being loved.
anon
Maybe it would be better for you to be more polished in life in general, but you said he was asking for behavior to change in private when it’s just the two of you. That’s wrong. I think you’re going to feel suffocated and stifled if you’re always trying to be something you’re not in private. Find someone who loves you for you! And those qualities are lovely.
Changing for Your Partner
Thanks. Yeah, it does bother me that he wants me to be different in private.
anonymous
What does that even mean, though? “Normal”? Who defines “normal?” Why on earth does he have the right to tell you what normal is and then define you as abnormal? “Polished?” Brushing your hair more, sneezing into tissues, cursing less, wearing fancier clothes, not letting junk mail pile up? What does this mean?
Polish yourself up if you want but you nailed it when you say this can’t be a condition for being loved.
Bridget Jones fan
I recently finished reading Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy and remembered how much I love Bridget’s sometimes awkward goofiness. I find her charming. So when I read your self-description, I thought of her. I realize it is fiction, but these characteristics can be charming and attractive to some people. So I say don’t change.
Cb
What?? I mean, my husband inspires me to be a better person (because he is so genuinely good). And we ask for and get kindness and respect but demanding someone demonstrate more sophistication?
anonymous
Yeah this is really weird and not something I think is reasonable to ask. On top of that, the way he framed it as a condition for your engagement makes me uneasy. I don’t see you having a good relationship with this guy long term.
Veronica Mars
Nope, not reasonable. He wants a wife that has a certain image, and apparently you don’t match it. Either he needs to get with it and dream wife needs to go or you do, one or the other. Otherwise there will always be something wrong with you. Your physique (already wrong!), your hair, your personality, your passions, your dreams, your career decisions. It’s going to eat you alive to never live up to this standard.
Changing for Your Partner
I worry that you are right that something will always be wrong.
anonymous hippo
He sounds very controlling. The imbalance of power between you is worrying.
If I were you I’d ask if he’s willing to change something major about himself for you, in return. if not, run.
Changing for Your Partner
I asked. He said maybe, if I was very clear about what it was and it wasn’t a core part of who he was.
Anonymous
It sticks out to me that he wanted you two to be “more active together” and seemed satisfied by you going to the gym more — that seems more like you being active solo, where is the “us” there? I think you need to have some frank conversations with him about what he is really looking for you to change. Wanting you to change your personality seems unreasonable, but you should talk it out before making any big decisions. It is somewhat ironic that he is the one who wants you to be more grown-up… a mature person would not ask someone to change their personality and appearance and expect everything to go well.
Trish
My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We just accept things about each other since we know from experience that the alternative means divorce.
(Former) Clueless Summer
My guess is that the hive will say DMTFA. And I tend to agree in this circumstances. For him to say “be more grown up” is really asking for you to change something about your true, deep self. That is absolutely out of line. It is one thing for a boyfriend to say, “OP, when you are daydreamy, it makes me feel like you’re not listening to me and that hurts my feelings. Can you focus on me when I’m telling you a story?” or “OP, it hurts me when you ignore my friends when we’re out together. Is there anything you can do to engage more?” but to flat out ask you to become someone you’re not (as opposed to temporarily do something out of character in order to avoid hurting your partner or others) is not the mark of a respectful, loving relationship. You’re not saying take it or leave it. You’re saying, this is who I am.
Anonymous
+1
There are times when it makes sense to change for your partner. This is not one of them. I would be very cautious that it sounds like he thinks he decides when you are ‘good enough’ for him to marry.
Walnut
On this note, I think it’s worth asking him to elaborate more on the deliverable. I recall having a similar conversation back in the day and it mostly boiled down to my SO wanting us to actually get ready to go on the weekends even if there’s nothing planned. He wanted to be more spontaneous and open to getting out of the house, however, knowing it would take an hour to get up, shower, etc tended to prevent it.
I decided that I was willing to take a Saturday shower and put on jeans for the relationship. I also gave myself permission to go out and upgrade my weekend wardrobe.
Baconpancakes
I’m having weird deja vu regarding this conversation. Didn’t we have a really similar conversation a few months back, right down “can you engage more when you’re out with my friends” scenario response?
But yeah, there’s a possibility the boyfriend does mean “engage more” and “pay more attention to me when I’m talking to you,” and he’s just bad at saying that, and if so, sure, that’s reasonable. If it’s a personality change, dear lord no.
The red flag here is that he frames it as the OP needing to change in order to be marriage material. If you want to change some dynamic in your relationship, like “I want to be more active together! Will you also take initiative to make sure we go hiking on the weekends?” or “I feel like we just watch TV at home all the time. I’d like to get dressed up and go out more to see friends,” that’s fine, but holding an engagement essentially hostage for these changes is not ok.
Changing for Your Partner
He has said on other occasions that he doesn’t feel like I’m fully paying attention to him–some kind of body language that he can’t describe well. But I am paying attention! I don’t know how to demonstrate better that it’s the case (I’ve asked).
Anonymous
I guess I have a slightly different perspective on this. I have a friend who could be described as similar to OP (socially awkward and spacey). Her boyfriend has made comments that he wished she was a better listener–she tends to crash conversations with whatever has popped into her head and shift the conversation to about her, with no reciprocal listening to others because she’s off in her own head when others are talking. He’s also said he wishes she was more reliable as a partner–she often forgets to pick up their CSA share so they don’t have food and forfeit what they paid, or she’ll forget to put leftovers away so either the food spoils or the dogs get into it. She has raised this to her girlfriends before and none of us find it particularly unreasonable, but perhaps that’s because we also get a little irked by her daydreaming that can come off as self-absorption and flakiness when making group plans.
In my friend’s case, I don’t think it’s unfair for her boyfriend to start looking critically at whether she’d be a dependable partner and parent before jumping to marriage. You don’t think about that stuff when you first start dating, but you should before engagement. And in her case, they were in their 20s when they started dating, and I think the BF expected she’d grow out of that naturally–and he also was okay with it when he was a post-college dude looking for fun and had no idea they’d still be together 3 years later.
That said, I can see where it’s different for OP when she was already in her 30s and the guy was 40. At 40, he was presumably already looking for something serious when they started dating (if he’s discussing engagement at the one-year mark) and he also knew that she in her 30s was likely beyond the first-years-on-my-own growing up phase, so major changes shouldn’t have been expected. I still think it’s worth exploring exactly what he means though.
Changing for Your Partner
Thanks for the alternate viewpoint. I would never do something like forget a CSA pickup (can’t say the same for my boyfriend, though!). I don’t feel like I space out/don’t listen during conversations, but he does feel that way and often says it seems like I’m off in space.
Anonymous
I saw your update below so it doesn’t really sound like this is the same situation as with my friend.
Just a thought, but do you think he’s looking for effusive praise in conversations? I’ve dated guys that were a little insecure and anything short of “Oh honey, that’s so interesting! You’re amazing! I’m so proud of the brilliant, successful man I’m with!” wasn’t “listening enough” for them. Ok, I’m being hyperbolic there, but it sort of sounds like you’re engaging normally and he is looking for Lots of Animated Reactions for whatever reason, and that may be the disconnect?
Changing for Your Partner
Hahaha…um, possibly some of this. Possibly a lot of it. But I am definitely not an uncritical cheerleader.
Anonymous
Neither am I, and it did not work out with those guys (tangentially, one of them quickly married a newly-single SAHM after he and I broke up, and she was giving off strong “I need a new sugar daddy STAT” vibes. It worked out well for all). If you think this is what he’s going for, and it’s not you, I join the consensus.
Anonymous
I agree with former clueless summer. I have a tendency to get lost in thought in the middle of conversation and it can drive my husband batty, but we can talk about it in a way that does not impugn my entire character. It might be worth drilling down a little to see if this is a behavior (which is fixable and can be adjusted in a relationship) or a personality attribute (which I don’t think should be fair game for fixing).
Anonymous
no no no no no. Big red flag. It is ok to ask for some changes – things or habits that affect him. For example, if you never text when you are going to be late from work and he is the one usually making dinner- of course he can ask if you could start doing that. He is asking for a fundamental personality change and frankly its insulting. the fact that he is trying to use marriage as a carrot makes it way worse.
Diana Barry
NO NO NO NO NO!
He wants you to change your personality. That is NOT OKAY in any way. He is not saying “it would be great if you could put the dishes in the dishwasher every night”, he is saying “I don’t like the person you are, could you just turn into someone else please and then we can get engaged?” NOT OKAY.
Emmer
I knew I loved husband when I realized he was the first person I dated with whom I could be completely, 100% myself. He loves the songs I make up when I am looking for something around the house, the stupid puns I make, and the fact that I fall to pieces when I see puppies. I can’t imagine going through life with a partner who wanted me to suppress my silly self. That doesn’t mean you can never change anything – I’ve definitely changed my communication style so that we can talk through issues more productively, among other things – but you should never change in a way that makes your life less joyful.
Anonymous
+1
This exactly describes how I feel about my DH. As a teenager, I wondered how I would find someone where I could be 100% myself all day every day with no filter. Couldn’t imagine not wearing make-up or having the stomach flu or being grumpy around ‘a boy’! My DH is that person – I can be 100% my imperfect myself and he loves me for it. You deserve the same. This guy does not sound like it.
Sydney Bristow
Me too. That’s one of the things I first lived about my husband. I never feel like I need to act a certain way when I’m with him. He’s told me the same thing too. That I was the only person he’s ever been with where he felt he could always just be himself. I think that’s a sign of a good partnership.
CKB
Me too. And as an introvert that is super important to me. Dh knows that when I tell him being with him is like being alone he totally knows it’s a huge compliment.
lawsuited
+1 I knew my husband was the one when I realized he was the only person besides my family that I was completely myself with. And it was just that he was okay with my quirks, he loved them.
I believe that the fear of being alone is stressful, but you’re better off being single and spending all your time with family and friends who love the person you are rather than walking on eggshells around someone who you know wishes you were different.
2 Cents
+1,000 to all of this. My husband has seen me at my best and my worst and has made me feel super loved no matter what the circumstances. No matter how many different pairs of shoes I insist I need or how many photos of cute animals I show him when it’s just us on a lazy weekend.
Senior Attorney
Yes! I am always amazed that Gentleman Friend has an infinite capacity to not only not be annoyed by me, but to be charmed by me! It’s just awesome and I think everybody deserves to have a partner like that.
People are not improvement projects. Don’t let yourself be somebody’s else’s project.
Woods-comma-Elle
I agree – not ok. This is like emotional blackmail to get you to change by waving the carrot of commitment, when he should be saying you’re an awesome person, I can’t wait to marry you. You deserve that. And who is to say that even if you change, he is going to give you what you want?
It’s a totally different thing to say ‘hey, I love you, but can you try not to leave your dirty dishes in the sink’ than saying ‘hey, I could really love you if you just changed your personality’.
This sounds like bad news to me.
Anon
And if anyone would know, it would be you, Elle Wood!
Mrs. Jones
Ditto. GTFO.
workingmomz
I think this is time for you to end it.
anon
“On one hand I think, he should love me for who I am instead of trying to mold me into someone else.”
If your sister or best friend came up to you and said “I don’t think he loves me for who I am, but wants me to be someone else,” what would you tell her?
Lady, the fact that you’re having these thoughts is a huge red flag. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t want you to be you. Clear this man off your manplate toute de suite so you have space for someone who loves you for you.
Anonymous
Do you want to become more grown up and less day dreamy? If not, leave. He doesn’t love you. He loves a fantasy.
lawsuited
No. I don’t think any two people are completely compatible, so it may be reasonable to ask your partner to change some behaviours (e.g. please stop leaving your nail clippings on the living room carpet or please take out the garbage once in a while) in order to make it easier to combine two lives, but it’s never reasonable to ask your partner to change their personality (e.g. please don’t take an interest in politics or please be a social butterfly). If he’s asking you to “be more grown-up” (not a particularly articulate request – how are you supposed to know when you have completed this action item? My guess is that it will be a moving target entirely in his control.)
When someone you’re dating is telling you that he could “think” about getting engaged if you changed your personality, take it as a sign that he is just not that into you. JSFAMO.
Changing for Your Partner
I think and fear that you are right about the moving target.
Anonymous
No way. Your partner – your potential HUSBAND – should love you, not the version of you he thinks he could create given time. Being in my relationship has changed me, but not because my partner thought it would be better if I were less awkward but because he’s loved me and supported me and that’s given me the confidence to try out different things. I also hate his conflation of awkwardness with childishness – he shouldn’t be trying to change you by making you feel like your perfectly acceptable personality traits are something you should grow out of.
Changing for Your Partner
I hate that he’s conflating it with childishness, too. Thanks.
anon
Ask yourself if you’re accurately portraying what he said or if you’re shading it. (I, for instance, have a bad habit of rephrasing criticism so that it’s much more negative and personal.) Because if that’s what he said, get out now without wasting any more time. Like, today. He’s either giving you an excuse to delay things because he doesn’t want to be engaged, or he’s telling you he doesn’t like your personality. Either way, you deserve better than that.
Changing for Your Partner
Wow…so unanimous. Yikes. Thanks, everyone. Hard to hear, though. :(
January
Well, let’s say his complaint is really that you’re so zoned out that you don’t do essential grown-up things, like pay your bills on time (or at all), because your head is just so far in the clouds, and he’s not comfortable combining lives/finances with you while you’re basically unable to run your own life. This would be a legitimate complaint, and something you should probably look at, for your own good.
But if he just doesn’t like your quirks/mannerisms? Then you should probably tell him to pound sand, as they say.
Changing for Your Partner
The crazy thing is…HE is the one who can’t pay his bills on time, loses things, wastes money, doesn’t go to the dentist, gets pen stains all over his shirts. My life is running smoothly!
anon
No no no. This just makes it worse. I may be a little extreme on this subject, but I would stay away from guys who don’t have their lives together in general. And the whole “change for me” thing doesn’t make it any better. I’d move on. You deserve a real adult who thinks you’re awesome.
Sutemi
Does he want you to take over all the emotional labor to make his life run smoothly? Is this a request to make sure you are catering to his needs (cleaning, listening, organizing) a lot more? Not cool.
Changing for Your Partner
Hmmmm. It is possible, Sutemi. I mean, I did make his dentist appointment (after years of him not going). Though not because he asked me to, because I knew he was never going to do it otherwise.
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh! This is reason enough to run for the hills!
2 Cents
You need to kiss this relationship goodbye. Before the hubs and I got engaged, I knew I could be my most authentic self — no matter how nerdy or awkward or vulnerable that meant. He’s never asked me to change something about myself nor I him. I love him as is, and I know I can be myself around him without fear or worry.
It’s one thing if you’re being hurtful to him, but I doubt it. Find someone who enjoys you for you and wants more — not wishes he could re-calibrate some part of your personality.
meme
Even if you wanted to change these personality traits, could you? I ask because although I’m “smart” and high-achieving, I can also be really scatterbrained and socially awkward at times. My husband finds these things endearing, but I would really like to be less distracted and more focused and stop misplacing things. I can implement a few coping mechanisms, but I can’t make my brain work differently. I can’t really just renounce my awkwardness or absentmindedness – I’ve tried! Are these the sorts of traits you can switch on and off at will, assuming you even wanted to? Doesn’t sound like it.
Changing for Your Partner
Right, it’s a good question. I could certainly try to be more aware and practice, just haven’t felt the need to change before (similar to getting in shape at my boyfriend’s suggestion…I was mostly fine with myself the way I was, though I am/was a bit overweight). I guess the question for me is whether it’s right to even try.
lawsuited
On the subject of losing weight for your boyfriend (which you must know is what “being more active” and “getting in shape” actually means), please don’t do this. I did this and I think as soon as you go down that road the if-I-eat-this-cookie-I-will-get-fat-again-and-he-will-leave-me fear sets in and it never goes away. For me, that relationship became tinged with fear and self-loathing, and could never have been successful. For me it lead to an eating disorder than took a lot of medical intervention from doctors, and a lot of work from me, and a lot of love from my now-husband to get past.
Changing for Your Partner
Yeah, he claimed it was all about fitness, but it’s hard to believe. And it’s a little hard to forgive him for wanting that from me, to be honest.
meme
Well, my point is that it isn’t reasonable or realistic to ask people to change their fundamental personality traits v. habits, and it’s just setting yourself up for failure to try to undertake a potentially impossible task.
Anonymous
Not reasonable. My husband divorced his first wife because she made him change to be a certain way, i.e. more grown up/less silly and immature. We’ve been together 15 years and he still tells me how much he loves that I let him be him. And the only thing he would change about my personality is to be more confident in myself.
Its a recipe for unhappiness in the long run. I’d move on.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
Completely unreasonable. It would be different if he wanted you to get your life more together in an objective sense, but he wants you just to act differently in private. Sort of crazy honestly.
Fishie
Sorry, this doesn’t sound reasonable to me. It reminds me of the scene in Uncle Buck when Maisie’s teacher complains to Uncle Buck that Maisie is a woolgatherer, a daydreamer, and a sillyheart, and he goes bonkers because that’s what she’s supposed to be. Granted, its a movie, and the character was like 7, but why shouldn’t you be a daydreamer and a sillyheart if that is what you are? Someone else will love that about you! I’m sorry that your current man doesn’t. You deserve better.
KT
This is more venting than anything.
I recently read an article (can’t find it right now) that had a startling statistic about marriage and breast cancer. Some crazy number (1 in 4 or 1 in 5) of men consider a mastectomy a deal-breaker and will leave their wives if they undergo a mastectomy to treat their breast cancer or prevent it from occurring if they’re high risk. It was a fairly comprehensive survey that had been recorded with several thousand patients over a period of 10 years, so it wasn’t like it was a tiny group of outliers.
And what in ever loving h*ll is that?! Do husbands really consider the presence of boobs as more important than health/loving their wives?!
Anonymous
I think this is part of a larger but unfortunately true trend that couples are much more likely to divorce if the wife has a serious long term illness vs if the husband has a serious long term illness. It is generally attributed at least in part of women being socialized/raised to be caregivers and men not feeling comfortable in that role. Hopefully our sons will be different.
KT
That’s a really good point; I hadn’t considered the cultural aspect of women being raised to be caregivers versus men
Amelia Earhart
So, this is me. I had a bilateral mastectomy 1.5 years ago (I was 26 at the time of surgery). The guy I was seeing dumped me over it and I haven’t dated since.
For me, I would say the whole not dating is a combination of lots of complications/delayed reconstruction and lacking the confidence.
There are definitely days (probably more than not) when I’m sure that I will never find anyone who will be able to look past the crazy number of scars I have and the unnatural look of my bre@sts. I will probably seek out some form of therapy this year to cope.
KT
I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. Having a mastectomy is never an easy decision or easy procedure, so kudos for getting through that.
And your ex is an ass.
I hope you get the help you need to help cope with all of this.
Anonymous
I would encourage you to pursue therapy. There are good guys out there. I have a close friend who lost the lower half of her leg in childhood. She often wondered if she would ever meet someone. Her husband is a wonderful, kind, cute guy who is a great father to their son.
CJM
If watching this season of RHOBH and seeing David Foster’s reactions on camera to his model wife who is physical perfection getting her implants removed is any indication, then yes.
AnonPara
Agreed.
Anonymous
I think you have to find the article before we can discuss it. There is a huge difference between asking that question to unmarried men for example, and actually studying divorce rates after marriage. It actually doesn’t surprise me- a certain segment of the population (both men and women) have a more superficial marriage. I read a similar study about women who would divorce their partners if they gained a certain amount of weight. Some people have marriages that are more about superficial things- similar goals/financial status/attractiveness vs. “soulmate” situation. I really doubt its as silly as “boobs are more important than marriage” but if you find the study Id discuss it further
KT
I’m trying to find it…but this wasn’t a hypothetical question survey; it was following couples over the course of several years, identifying the ones who divorced, then asking the husbands why they wanted to end the marriage
Anony
I’m also wondering about the study. I personally know men that probably would have answered one way at age 22 (about their hypothetical wife) and very differently at age 35 (about their real wife).
Anonymous
this is not the study KT was referencing but a similar idea: http://time.com/3737088/divorce-illness-marriage/
Anon at 11:00
Also http://nypost.com/2014/05/01/30-of-marriages-with-an-ill-spouse-end-in-divorce-study/
needanewmoniker
This point about ‘superficial’ vs ‘soulmate’ is interesting to me. What would you ladies say the percentage seems to be? I find that it is often obvious when I am on a date/dating which category the man falls into (I’m definitely looking for more of the ‘click’ – though I wouldn’t say soulmate – over some box checking).
lucy stone
My mom had a partial mastectomy 9 years after my parents got married. They’ve been together 47 years and married for 39. I’m glad my dad isn’t a giant jerkface and don’t know what is wrong with these men, but I’m also really glad my mom is still alive and 30 years cancer free.
Superbowl Hunt
Did anyone see the black quilted jacket one of the reporters was wearing during the superbowl last night? Let’s find it! It was stunning.
anonymous
DH and I adopted a young dog about three months ago. For the first two months he was super attached to me and completely ignored my husband, wouldn’t let him take him out for walks, etc. I went away for work for two weeks, about 2 months after we got him, and since then it’s totally reversed. He’s not quite as bad with me as he was with DH, but he won’t really engage me. I know he was a well-loved family dog with his previous family, and it’s cool if he bonds more with one of us than the other, but we’d like him to have some kind of bond with each of us, and it seemed like that sort of happened. I’ve been back for ~2.5 weeks now and have been doing all the dog care, but we can’t seem to re-bond. In general he seems to be a very sweet, affectionate and docile dog.
We did just get him not that long ago- is this a normal part of the adjustment, or is there something that we can do to help him bond with both of us? I’ve always had dogs of this breed from childhood, but this is my first rescue.
KT
When you say you’re doing the dog care, what does that mean?
With new dogs, I’ve found they bond quickest if you take an active role in their exercise and training. My dog adored my husband when we got her and couldn’t be bothered with me. But because I was the more dog-experienced person, I was the one who took her to training classes and took her for long walks. While she still prefers my husband, she has definitely bonded to me and is snuggly with me and the exercise and training really sped the process up.
anonymous
Like, I walk him, play with him, feed him, give him treats, etc. DH is around but has been really busy, so he isn’t really interacting with pup that much. I’ve done a bit of training, but I can focus on that more.
KT
Yeah I’d definitely up the walks and do some informal training. While the usual obedience basics are great, do some fun things too. Dogs love learning new things. I taught my dog ridiculous tricks like “squirrel” and roll over and she loved it and it really helped our bond.
Anonymous
Some dog breeds tend to be one-master types. I’m not sure what you mean by a lack of bonding, but one thing y’all could try is that you alternate feeding him or giving him treats (if he’s food motivated). If he’s more exercise/activity-motivated, you could try alternating who takes him on walks or who gets the leash out if y’all walk him together.
I have a friend with spaniels that are one-person dogs. Both dogs gravitate to “mom” and the rest of the family just understands that she’s their primary person. They want to be wherever she is and aren’t really concerned about interacting with the rest of the family.
Wildkitten
There are days and weeks my dog doesn’t want to snuggle as much as others. Especially when it’s cold outside and I turn up the heat inside, she’ll want to sleep on the couch instead of snuggled with me. But, she always wants to snuggle with me if I have bacon, or might have bacon, or smell like bacon, or smell generally. And she’ll avoid me for most of a week if I give her a bath. So, bribe the pup with less bathing more bacon?
Anonymous
We had a lab-hound mix that was a one-master dog. She decided that my husband was the leader of the pack and that she outranked me, despite the fact that I fed her, took her on tons of walks, and trained her. She became aggressive towards me, and later towards our new baby, and we eventually had to return her to the rescue organization.
Anonymous
What are your thoughts on aluminum in deodorants/antiperspirants?
Anon8
I don’t give it much thought. I’m pretty sure the Dove brand I use has aluminum. I don’t actively search out natural deoderants.
Anonymous
I assume something will kill me, but it’s not likely to be this, so I don’t think about it.
Cat
Ha, I love that description — co-signed.
Anonymous
Agree! Never think about it.
Runner 5
Agree. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink all that much. I exercise more often than I eat fried food. At some point I have to leave the rest to chance
houda
Agree. I tried being picky about deodorant, then gave up. Too many things to worry about around me.
lawsuited
I would really prefer not to use an aluminium deodorant, but spent about 10 months trying to “detox” my armpits and use various non-aluminium alternatives but nothing even remotely worked to combat body odour so I gave up. I did switch from an anti-perspirant to a deodorant though.
Nan
I don’t use products that contain it and I’m happier for it. Natural deodorants didn’t work well at first but at some point I think my body chemistry adjusted somehow. There are a few I really like. Especially when I was pregnant and bre*stfeeding, I felt better not having the heavy metals stored right in those glands. It’s amazing the stuff we will put in our bodies to not smell human!
FYI
“There is no real scientific evidence that aluminum or any of the other ingredients in these products pose any threat to human health.”
http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/features/antiperspirant-facts-safety
Anonymous
I worry about it, but haven’t successfully found good alternatives.
Anonymous
I don’t think it matters from a health perspective, but I recently switched over to non-aluminum deodorant because I’ve read that yellow staining on underarms on clothing is because of the way aluminum reacts with sweat. To give my clothes a longer life, i’m giving the switch a shot. It’s been about three weeks and at least there’s no cakey feeling of residue left on my clothes. We’ll see about the staining.
head shots and professional photos
Just got a new job last week. Found out firm headshots are this week. I am going to try to snag a new black suit for the head shots, since most of black suits are a little too worn (and it might show in photos/better light).
Suggestions for department store/Mall bands I can hit this week? I am in a major city in the South. I won’t have time to tailor or order online.
Also, any tips for someone who doesn’t wear make up? I am thinking about getting a tinted mositurizer, or mixing some mositurizer with foundation, but that’s all I got.
KT
What is your coloring like? A black suit can be really severe in headshots, especially if they’re in black and white. Navy blue or another jewel tone often looks nice.
Banana Republic or the Limited may have okay suits that will fit off the rack without tailoring. I usually have some luck at Macys and Nordstroms as well.
Definitely wear makeup and more than you’d be comfortable with normally. The camera can really wash you out. I’d do foundation, fill in your brows, mascara, and a nude lipstick.
head shots and professional photos
I am south asian, which is a big reason why I don’t wear make up. It’s been really a struggle to find what matches my color. I look best in jewel tones though. I have a beautiful navy pinstripe, but I don’t know if it will look right as a headshot. Most, I’ve seen are black suits.
Anonymous
Navy pinstripe with a jewel tone top! Absolutely.
Anony
Don’t be afraid to wear color. Pick something you look good in, preferably with a classic (not trendy) cut. Practice your smile in the mirror.
Anon
It might help to check out south asian beauty bloggers on youtube so that you can find what makeup works for you, especially foundation. Makeup is available in infinite shades of pink, but it would help some of us if infinite shades of brown were available for foundation, lipstick, etc.
Anon
Antonio Melani at Dillard’s for the suit.
I would skip foundation or tinted moisturizer if you never wear it. The potential to go wrong is huge. I’d suggest mascara instead to make your eyes stand out more. Maybe a tinted lip balm.
head shots and professional photos
I am south asian, which is a big reason why I don’t wear make up. It’s been really a struggle to find what matches my color. I have a great suit from that brand, and they are on my list.
also, I wear glasses, advice still stands re: eyes?
KT
Wear your glasses–it’ll look more natural since you normally wear them
Anon
Since your glasses emphasize your eyes already, maybe focus your search on a tinted lip balm to add some color there. I’ve never worn glasses, so I don’t have any advice. I hope someone else chimes in!
Anon
Oh, on the off-chance that we might be a similar shade of golden (I’m half Turkish), check out Neutrogena Healthy Skin foundation in shades 40 Nude or 60 Natural Beige.
NOT for the pics, but just to check out some time if you wanted to try something.
Anonymous
Are you shortsighted? I’d definitely wear mascara and maybe even a little subtle eyeliner. The lenses make your eyes look smaller. I’d also suggest neat eyebrows, a little blush and a tinted lipbalm – just something to add a little definition.
Anonymous
Go get your makeup done at a counter for the photo shoot. Most will do it if you buy one or two things (maybe a moisturizer?).
Anonymous
Black would be OK, maybe, with a light colored top. If you want some natural looking makeup, go to the Bobbi brown counter, tell the beauty advisor what you wear now and get her recs. You need makeup for a photo…you’ll look washed out without it.
Anonymous
I’m also South Asian. I wore black when my firm did head shots and I regretted it. I think it looked too severe under bright lights and with my skin tone (light brown with olive undertones). I would say go with a navy or gray suit and co-sign on the person above on the jewel tone blouse. Those colors go really well the typical SA coloring and so does a deep orange (almost rust color). I don’t wear foundation so no recs for that, but I recently started wearing the Nars-brand blush called Orgasm and Dior lipstick called “City Lights.”
Anonymous
I’m South Asian. I wore black for my firm’s head shots and regretted it. It looked harsh under the bright light and my coloring (light brown with olive undertones). I would say go with navy or gray. Definitely do jewel tones, it goes well with typical SA coloring. I don’t wear foundation so no recs there, but I recently bought and love NARs Orgasm blush and Dior City Lights lipstick.
Laura B
Just booked a yoga retreat to Lake Atitlan, Guatemala (SO EXCITED!). For those of you that travel more, do you think I could bring the bag from the below link as my personal item? I’ll have a travel backpack for my carry on. I feel like the size of the bag itself is fine, but idk about the mat strapped on top. Obviously, I really need to bring my mat with me somehow. Thoughts?
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017O5Z328?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_4&smid=ADVD72ZOFGYC8
P.S. I do know about thinner travel mats that fold up, but since I’m going to be practicing 2-3 days a day, I really would prefer something with more cushion/my regular mat.
Cb
Oh, that sounds amazing!
I guess it depends on how fussy the airlines are, are you going to be on small planes or is it a direct flight? I have a lululemon mat bag which is all one piece (it has less storage though). I like that my mat is inside of it as it seemed to be getting beat up on the bus / walk to work.
Laura B
:) I’m so excited that I actually booked it. Normally I plan/research things to death but never pull the trigger on purchasing. My husband finally put his foot down with this one and said that I just needed to DO IT.
We’re flying American Airlines, one stop in Miami. So bigger planes.
I’ve thought about a mat like that, but do like the extra storage for stashing purselike stuff in this one.
Anonymous
I think you’d be fine. People get away with a ton worse and I’ve seen people attach full-size pillows to their bags. Because it’s an international flight, you’ll likely be on a larger plane that won’t be quite as restricted in terms of carry-on space. But if you have any small plane flights, you may want to consider whether you’re comfortable checking one of your two carry-ons.
Laura B
Yep, big planes through American Airlines for all flights.
I’d like to avoid checking anything just to save the hassle, but I suppose it’s really not the end of the world if I get to the gate and they make me check a bag.
Another person
I think you’re fine – a backpack could fit under your seat so they won’t make you check it and you can probably lay your yoga mat on top of other bags if it comes down to it.
Anonymous
I think you run a risk of being told at the gate that you have to check your backpack. I often see airlines imposing a general rule of thumb that your personal item fit under the seat in front of you. This would stick out and need to go above for takeoff and landing at least.
teslagirl
At the yoga retreat I went to in India, they had lots of mats to borrow, so I placed my thin travel mat on top of one of their mats. That way I didn’t get anyone’s cooties, but I had more cushioning that just my travel mat.
La Canadienne Suede?
So after hearing their praises sung on here for years, when I saw that Amazon had La Canadienne Caleb boots on crazy sale I ordered the smooth leather and the suede. I think I like the suede better (though the smooth leather is dressier, it is stiff and will end up creased pretty quickly), but I’m concerned the suede will start looking terrible the instant it gets wet. Does it get salt-stained? Does water leave marks? It’s supposed to snow in DC tomorrow so I’m going to have to make my decision soon…. Thanks!
Anon
I have had 2 pairs of suede L Canadienne boots for years, and the suede looks perfect. I’ve never even done any special cleaning or conditioning. If you like they suede better, go for it!
anon
My suede LC boots, which are several years old, have also held up really well. I sprayed them with a waterproofing product, and I don’t wear them in heavy rain/ let them get soaking wet.
Carrie....
I also have several pairs of suede L Canadienne boots. They are great. Warm, comfortable, and durable. I am in the Midwest, and we get snow.
I am a little rough with my shoes/boots, I guess because of the way I walk, so I scuff things a lot …. if you know what I mean. So I maintain them a bit to keep them looking good.
At the beginning of every season I brush them with my suede brush, and re-treat them with a suede protector spray. If I get salt on them, I try to clean it off with a diluted vinegar mix and a rag. I don’t do it every day… just whenever I think of it. Salt comes off easily. Then I brush them a little with the suede brush to get out other junk and even out the nap.
The pair I wear the most (booties, wedge, suede) are starting to show some wear/loss of color where I stub my toes a lot, so I will probably bring them to my cobbler at some point for a re-dye.
Love my La Canadiennes. I bought them all on sale, timeless styles, and I’ll keep them for decades.
La Canadienne Suede?
This is really great information, thank you! I am also a clumsy walker so I’m sure the toes will get stubbed.
Lydia
The suede in la canadienne boots is specially waterproofed in Italy, and made in Canada. It can get soaking wet, and still look good. I have four pairs of suede boots and they hold up great, and I live in rainy vancouver. Wash with diluted vinegar, and treat with suede products if you like, but they should be fine otherwise.
Anonymous
I spray all my suede shoes with a suede water proofer (I think it’s from Ugg, but there are several varieties). I wouldn’t wear suede shoes in really wet or messy situations (i.e., snow is fine, slush and puddles are not), but haven’t had any issues with incidental wetness once I’ve sprayed the shoes.
Anon
This jacket is gorgeous.
Anon in NYC
You guys. I’ve paid off my student loans – law school and the small lingering amount from undergrad! I’m so, so excited.
Gail the Goldfish
YAY! Congrats!
SA
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Edna Mazur
Yay! That is wonderful! Treat yourself tonight.
lucy stone
HOORAY FOR YOU!
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations! That is so fantastic!
Whaat
That is amazeballs. You are awesome. Congrats!
Community college prof advice
Does anyone have insight or advice on teaching law courses at a community college? A local cc has an opening for an assistant prof (tenure track) to teach classes aimed at future paralegals and students who want to go from cc – 4 yr college – law school. Have any other attorneys done this and want to share their experience? I practiced for a couple of years in Biglaw, hated it, and worked for a couple of years at a law school (think admissions or career counseling). I’d love to find a job where I can work with students and still have time to do some pro bono work.
Emmer
I haven’t done this, but I think it would be tough to do pro bono work if you’re not working somewhere that would provide malpractice insurance for such work (I doubt the CC gig would do this). If you want to combine pro bono work and teaching, I’d recommend looking into positions at law school clinics.
Blonde Lawyer
Some State Bar Associations offer free malpractice insurance to people taking bar referred pro bono cases through them. This allows unemployed lawyers to help with that heavy case burden. It also helps people in smaller firms without a pro bono program to convince their firm to let them do pro bono work.
Sarabeth
Haven’t taught at a CC, but I wouldn’t expect to have much time left over during the semester. I teach at a SLAC, have a 2/3 load, and on my 3-class semesters I can barely squeeze in any research. CC usually means 4/4 load at least. Maybe during summers?
Coach Laura
I’ve taught at a CC (not law) and the full-time, tenure track professors are not required to do any research at all – and that holds for all CCs that I’ve run across. Very different from SLAC. At CCs, there is emphasis on reaching out to the students, service (committees) and though the teaching load is high, I think that there would be time for pro bono, as many of my CC friends consult on the side. Plus some or most of the time you’d have summers off to complete more pro bono, travel or write.
So I would say to go for it. If the teaching appeals to you, it’s a good lifestyle.
Anonymous
My husband is a lawyer and is also an adjunct professor at a local college teaching paralegal students. He absolutely loves it. If he didn’t love practicing law so much, he could easily see himself teaching fulltime. At a community college, would you be expected to do any research? If you are just teaching classes, you may be able to fit in some pro bono.
Jordan
All the pro bono cases provided by our Legal Aid are covered by their malpractice insurance.
So I never taught but I used to prepare the curriculum for my old boss to teach a class just like this between undergrad and law school. He was always impressed by what I prepared and I would outline what I wanted to personally know. With the right research I think this could be a really fulfilling experience. Think of how many people who you could save from getting into $200K of debt! I mean obviously not the goal but still…
He was a partner at a small firm and taught on the side. I volunteered to teach a 2 hour per week evening class one day per week in my practice field last year…until I saw the pay. It probably depends. The prof before me wrote the book so there was additional revenue. Maybe you could write a text about it.
SA
My DOOSHY coworker is travelling for work this week! Happy Monday!
(F bomb every other word, uses phone on speaker for no apparent reason, has noisy Minions ring tone on cell)
2 Cents
PARTY!!! This is a reason to celebrate (even if it’s just relishing the quiet from Head Douche) :)
how many accts?
How many bank accounts (checking/saving) do you have? If multiple, how do you manage them and what are their purposes?
SA
Personal checking – Kids activities, clothes, Target runs, general monthly spending
Bills checking – auto pays all bills and mortgage
Personal Savings – Rainy day savings
Hubby personal checking
Hubby personal savings
anon
Married, co-mingled funds. Checking- 1 main operating account, 1 account that only exists in conjunction with an equity line, each of us has one acct co-signed with a parent (mostly lingering from pre-marriage or for elderly parents). Total checking- 4 For Savings, 2 joint accts. Online banking and direct deposit make everything pretty easy to manage. It’s a combination bricks and mortar and online bank accounts
Away Game
4. 1) My checking acct, which I use for all my stuff and the household bills I’m responsible for paying. Three savings accts – joint with DH – for 2) mortgage, 3) childcare, and 4) general savings. All one bank, so it shows up on my screen as the 4 accounts when I log into the bank. I can transfer to/from as needed. DH has a separate checking acct that he uses to pay the bills he pays and any additional stuff he wants. Mortgage and childcare are our two largest monthly expenses, so we each dump part of our paychecks in there every pay period; that way we always know we have the (seemingly huge amount of) money required for those expenses. General savings is for non-monthly but entirely discretionary things – summer camp for kids, vacations, computer upgrades, Xmas expenses. Tax refunds go into general savings, as does whatever leftover we put in there after our bills get paid and we’ve spent our fun money. It could double as a baby emergency fund – it usually hovers at what is about one month of our expenses – but we have most of our emergency fund with a brokerage company; could be liquidated in 24 hours. Retirement and 529s are separate.
HSAL
We have two checking and two savings. One checking/savings is one I’ve had since childhood (just a few hundred in savings to be easily accessible) where my check is deposited and the mortgage/car payments/other bills comes out of that. Then we have a joint checking account where his check is deposited that handles daycare, and an online savings account for the bulk of our savings. Our miscellaneous spending is all on credit cards and we pay those off with whichever account has more money in it. My online savings account allows for sub-accounts which is nice – it’s easier to feel justified saving and taking money out for a specific purpose (new laptop) than just taking the same amount out of general savings.
ace
Married & long-time commingled funds even before that! We still have:
– Personal checking at a mostly-internet bank under my name (my direct deposit goes in; most bills, incl mortgage, come out)
– Personal checking at a brick & mortar bank under his name (his direct deposit goes in; nanny pay, car payment and some other bills come out).
– Personal savings at the same bank (has the minimum in it and at some point we’ll close it)
– Internet savings account (from back in the day when these were billed as “high interest (!) savings accounts”) where some of our emergency fund and other money we want to set aside for big projects lives.
– Account through our financial advisor that feeds our insurance and other investments.
We are both listed on each account as fully authorized users.
We have traded off as to who is the main bill payor over time. Currently, I handle most and use as many autopay/ebilling features as I can.
Anonymous
3 checking, 2 savings
-Checking #1 is a rewards checking in my hometown. I no longer jump through the hoops to get the rewards, but do like that it is the same bank as my parents and easy to transfer money for shared expenses like trips. It’s also low-to-no-fees and the customer service is great. This is my main account that I DD my paycheck into and pay all of my bills other than student loans out of.
-Checking #2 is Big National Bank with lots of fees, but has plenty of locations in my current city including inside my building. I really only use it if I am repaid by a friend in cash for something I fronted and I need to deposit the cash (I hate carrying it and never pay for anything with it), and I also use this as my student loan auto-debit account.
Checking #3 is with the credit union that I got my car loan through. It was required to get the loan and I keep the minimum $5 in it with no other activity.
Savings #1 is at Big National Bank and is only there to eliminate the monthly fee on Checking #2. I keep the minimum balance in it.
Savings #2 is my main savings account. It’s an online bank and linked to both Checking #1 and #2 for automatic transfers.
Walnut
Main combined checking, Main combined savings, Husband’s pre-marriage personal checking
Husband and I each have personal credit cards and a couple joint cards. I pay my personal card out of the main bank account, husband pays his out of his old personal account. Husbands pay check is mostly deposited into the main account with a set dollar amount per period to his personal (enough to cover his daily lunch, soda and snack habit). My paycheck is split for 35% to the main checking account and the rest to savings. We’re actively trying to live on just one salary so we have been building toward putting my paycheck mostly to savings.
Carrie....
Single, no kids.
One. Checking account that also contains my Emergency fund cash. So no separate savings account.
Not at a traditional bank. It’s at Fidelity, where I have my retirement accounts and brokerage account and do all my online billpay here. I rarely write a check. My debit card works at pretty much every ATM and there is no service fee. Fidelity pays the fees.
I also have a Fidelity AmEx that gives me 2% back for everything that goes straight into one of my investments accounts. I try not to leave cash sitting around.
This works great for me. I am very aware of my expenses and do not overspend.
anon-oh-no
1. personal check (me and hubs jointly) — used for basically everything
2. money market (also join) — main saving bank account
3. personal check (me only) — pays my student loans (only left over because I didn’t feel like changing the direct deposit when we got married, more than 10 years ago)
these are all one bank, so we can easily transfer money around
We also have a number of investment accounts, but those just invest/save $$
anon
Married, no kids. 1 shared checking acct for paying bills, 1 checking acct each, 4 savings/investment accounts for me, 3 for him. 2 credit cards each (separate).
Carrots
Single with one checking account and a bunch of savings account through one bank – general savings, emergency savings, one account that’s linked to my PayPal, and then a few others that are linked to specific saving goals (car blows up and gets the same amount each month as car payment was, undergrad loan payments while those are in deferment, etc.)
CountC
Oh lord, I probably have way too many, but I like seeing the different “envelopes.” Not married, no kids.
Bank One:
– Personal checking – where the majority of my paycheck gets deposited and is used to pay bills that I cannot pay with a CC, PayPal is linked here, gym membership, student loans debited from this account.
– Horse checking – separate account for horse-related expenses where money gets transferred once a money and as needed
– Shared checking – account my mom and I share in case of emergencies where a family member needs cash. I don’t contribute or do anything with it except move money occasionally for various shared expenses.
– Way to Save savings – my bank moves a small amounts to a separate account based on purchase made in my primary checking
– Main personal savings – a little bit from every paycheck goes here and it’s where I have built up a decent savings
Bank Two:
– Personal Checking – required for the auto-debit on my mortgage in order to get the rate I wanted. A portion of my paycheck is deposited here and the only things I use it for are my mortgage payments and household repairs.
Sydney Bristow
I’m the same way.
Bank 1:
Checking account – All direct deposits go here, bills paid from this account, all other accounts are funded/added to once a month from this account. I put everything on my credit cards for the rewards though so I almost never pay anything directly from this account except my credit card bills, rent, etc.
Bank 2:
Emergency fund
Travel savings
Gift savings
Annual fees account
Bar dues/CLE account
Sydney Bristow
Forgot to add that I’m married with no kids. My husband and I do not have combined finances though. He has a checking account and 2 savings accounts (1 for shorter term stuff and 1 for an emergency fund).
CountC
I do the same thing in re: rewards CC – I use my AMEX for everything and then pay it off out of my Bank 1 personal checking each time I get paid. I love free money!
Anonymous
Married, 100% combined finances.
“Debit” for groceries, shopping, misc expenses (keeps us on budget – when it’s gone, it’s gone).
“Bills” for autopay (we auto deposit the necessary amount so that it’s truly automated and we don’t accidentally spend the water bill on a night out).
And we have two savings accounts, one for short-term savings which is linked to the checking accounts. The other is separate and for long-term but liquid savings.
Anon
Married, no kids (but pregnant). Two checking accounts and three savings account, all at the same credit union. Technically all are joint, but we don’t really use them that way. Our main account is the one I pay most of our bills from (car payments, mortgage, utilities, etc.). Both our pay checks go into it, my debit card is linked to that account, and it has the largest balance (mainly because we get paid interest on the balance). The other checking account we keep a smaller amount in and my husband’s debit card is linked to that account (I find it easier to keep track of debit card purchases when the cards are linked to separate accounts). He and I each have a savings account (we each get a set amount of “fun money” every week and throw anything extra in the savings accounts. The third savings account is for various things we are saving for (currently for maternity leave, but we also used it to save for our honey moon and the down payment for our house).
anon
One Checking, one savings. Then, I guess Health Savings/FSA if that counts. Then, one credit card.
I use the checking for paying bills. I used the savings for my emergency savings account (same bank). I try to use the credit card whenever I can use it to accrue miles and pay it off immediately.
Single, no kids.
Randi
Reposting cause it was late.
Packing my carry on for east coast to Iceland trip, checking the rest of luggage.
What do you include?
Runner 5
I feel like you might be over thinking this… if you’re checking your main luggage you only need your regular handbag as carry on. In my case that’s a Longchamp Le Pliage Hobo with Kindle, wallet, magazines, passport, meds, and documents in.
Jules
It’s always a good idea to have a change of clothes, or at least clean socks/underwear/t-shirt, in case the airline misplaces your luggage or there is some other glitch. Also chargers for electronics.
~ Signed, the person who wore the same clothes for 40 hours on her last European trip and bought an overpriced airport t-shirt to avoid sleeping in underwear with teenage son in the room
KT
I like this sentiment, but I’ve had too many experiences with lost luggage to only go one with a handbag. I always have a small carry-on bag with some essentials (2 changes of clothes, shoes, medicine, must-have makeup/sunscreen) so that if my checked bag is lost, I’m not completely lost.
Carrie
+1 — after having my luggage lost and being stranded for four days without my bag, I strongly recommend you pack medications and a change of clothes (including undies). And to wear comfortable shoes on the plane!
Wildkitten
blanket/socks/neck pillow/water bottle.
Anonymous
Wear your boots and jacket. Space bag an emergency change of clothes, including socks, underwear and pajamas. (This is my advice in general)
Are you flying Icelandair or an economy carrier like WOW?
Anonymous
Extra change of clothes/underwear on off chance luggage is mis-placed (haven’t had it happen to me yet). Blanket scarf because I get cold on the plane (especially with a window seat).
Runner 5
To explain my lackadaisical attitude above – none of my basics are especially expensive and I could always make it to an H&M to replace them.
Angela
Not in Iceland :)
Gail the Goldfish
At least one change of clothes, chargers, a toothbrush/toothpaste, contact solution and case, and my glasses. I had a flight cancelled once where it was going to take half the night to retrieve my checked bag (which had helpfully been rebooked onto the flight they rebooked me on… the next day), and that was all I needed to institute the “always have essentials” rule.
Anon
I think I saw OP’s original post over the weekend and you’re flying from Orlando? If that’s the case, I’d bring layers in my carryon. I’d travel in boots. I’d bring a book/kindle (but that’s me!), my medications/toiletries, and one change of clothes, plus a water bottle and earbuds. I wouldn’t wear that big ol’ coat in Florida, but I’d have it with me on the plane.
lawsuited
I recently did a long haul flight from North America to Africa (approx. 36 hours of travel). I checked a suitcase and packed the following in my carry-on:
– Extra clothing: 2 pairs of underwear, 2 extra tops, a pair of yoga pants, a pair of socks, a sweater, a scarf
– Travel-size toiletries: toothbrush and toothpaste, hair brush, dry shampoo, face wipes, face oil, eye cream, hand cream, lip balm, concealer, mascara
– Entertainment: Kobo and charger, iPod and charger, 2 pairs of earphones, magazines
– Necessities: wallet, passport, boarding passes, glasses, eye glasses, iPhone and charger, a pen
– Not secure in checked baggage: camera, jewellery, some gifts (YMMV, but where I was going I know that suitcases are opened and rifled through.)
HopefulBigLawSummer
Question for the BigLaw attorneys out there. I’m a first year law student at a fairly well ranked and very locally respected school. I have excellent grades and good connections at the firms I applied to.
I had an interview last week (Wednesday) for a summer associate position. I think it went really well, and I really loved the firm. I would love to end up somewhere this summer that I can stay at for next summer and beyond. Neither the recruiter nor anyone at the firm has contacted me since the interview. I sent a thank you email to only the recruiter and the hiring manager (who interviewed me), and haven’t heard anything.
I have another offer from BigLaw firm B that expires on Friday (which firm A knows). A is far and away my first choice (which they also know through the dean of my law school who contacted them Friday to put in a good word).
1) Should I contact firm A on Thursday afternoon if I still haven’t heard anything?
2) Is it a bad sign that I haven’t heard from the recruiter? I’ve heard they send rejections via snail mail.
3) How tacky is asking firm B for an extension on Thursday if A still hasn’t decided?
Diana Barry
You should try posting on the afternoon thread, but I would contact A on Wednesday, not Thursday, and give the recruiter a call tomorrow first. Don’t ask B for an extension, just go with B on Friday if no word from A.
HopefulBigLawSummer
Thank you! Is it better to call or email the recruiter? I’ve heard both but I don’t want to put her in the awkward position of rejecting me over the phone.
APC
1) Yes, I’d give firm A one more shot on Thursday
2) Unfortunately probably. In my experience, when a firm likes someone, they try to show that enthusiasm and get back to them quickly, so if your interview was last Wednesday and you’ve heard nothing, it’s not a great chance.
3) Pretty tacky. I’d take the job at B for this summer.
You still have next summer to get to firm A (or maybe you will love firm B). You’re a 1L with BigLaw offers – that’s huge on its own. Relax.