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Updated: Apr 1, 2019 302 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread | ·

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Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Social anxiety

    I’ve appreciated reading about people’s experiences with therapy here and I wanted to ask if anyone had sought help for social anxiety. When did you know it was a real issue and not something you could push through? A lot of stuff on line focuses on physical symptoms like panic attacks. If that’s not an issue and it’s more inchoate than that, then what? Thanks, all.

    • 2 Cents

      I’ve been in therapy for a range of issues, including anxiety (not strictly social). Once I got through the physical symptoms, I realized that there were several issues I’d had for years, like being very intimated in social situations with large groups, that I was able to work through with my therapist. We explored my feelings, where they could be stemming from, and what to do in the moment, preparing for events, etc.

      tl;dr a therapist can help navigate problems before they get worse. If you want help, I think you should pursue it.

    • LexaproFamily

      I have a friend who couldn’t handle difficult people – and her threshold for difficult kept falling lower and lower, so that even if a person was annoying, she’d just walk away. She decided she needed a therapist.

      My husband hates talking to strangers – at a hotel front desk, he’d ask ME if I wanted a room. Um, yes, honey, that’s why we’re here. That was a heads up to my therapist that he had social anxiety, just even hearing that story.

      If you think too much about what you have to say, and then don’t even say it… thinking about other people’s reactions most.

      • Social Anxiety

        Thanks (and to 2 Cents above, as well). A lot of that doesn’t quite describe me – for me, the problems are more with people I know or would like to know. Stranger interactions are ok. Which is possibly not less disruptive . . . .

    • Nerves

      For me I decided to get help when I realized my current way of life wasn’t sustainable. Before hitting that point I wondered a lot whether or not my anxiety problem was “real” enough to justify getting help, which in retrospect for me was just another symptom of the anxiety. A year ago I felt desperately isolated because my extroversion was always at odds with my social anxiety, I was falling behind on my billables because psyching myself up to make a simple phone call to opposing counsel would take me an hour (and then another half an hour to recover emotionally afterward), and I was starting to use alcohol to cope in ways that I recognized weren’t healthy. Meds and therapy have made all the difference.

      • Social Anxiety

        Thank you, this is really helpful and I recognize a lot of it, though my issues are in my personal life more than at work.

      • Anonymous

        The part about having to pysch yourself up for a call and emotionally recover after so so describes me. Reading here and a few other blogs are my way to emotionally decompress between stressful interactions. Prior to reading here though I didn’t really consider it social anxiety. More, we are in adversarial jobs and being adversarial takes emotional work.

    • Anon

      I went to therapy because I was in a tough situation with a spouse who had severe OCD and anxiety. Therapy helped me realize that I also had anxiety, and previously had no idea that my baseline stress/fear/guilt level wasn’t healthy. I bet you could get something valuable out of therapy, regardless of whether you have a severe case of whatever or just a desire to learn how to have easier interactions with people.

  2. Anon in NYC

    I think these April Fools posts might be my favorite each year. Happy weekend, everybody!

  3. Anon for this

    I’m unhappy with my body/size and have struggled with that for years. I semi-dream of liposuction but in reality am terrified. I recently read about coolsculpting, which I initially dismissed but once I started actually reading about it, it seems like something I could actually be interested in and maybe even willing to do. Has anyone tried it/know about it? I’m not looking for some cure-all to wake up with a six pack, but I’d love to reduce some belly and thigh fat which I’m having such a hard time doing with just exercise and diet…. but I’m a little scared… Anyone?

    • Godzilla

      I have no clue about this but you know what? Live your life bro. If this is what makes you happy, do what you gotta do.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve done it – its definitely not a substitute for liposuction. It does work and is non-invasive, but it really only works on very small, minor fat pockets (like a small love handle if the rest of you is trim). I have zero issue with medical invention for cosmetic purposes (obviously, since I’ve had some help myself) but this won’t give you the sort of body image boost you are looking for.

    • Anon

      I recently did lipo. I have always hated my stomach – I had rolls even when I was super trim. I am very happy I did it. The recovery was relatively quick, I had it Friday afternoon and was back at work on Monday. I was allowed to get back to exercising within 5 days – although I didn’t, I waited a couple of weeks. 1 month later, and almost all of the soreness has gone away and the results are mostly showing – I am VERY pleased with the results. I actually have a waistline on the sides and the front is mostly flat. It isn’t a huge difference in the size of my waist, but the look is exactly what I wanted.

      I looked into coolsculpting – the doc recommended 2 sessions for slightly less reduction than lipo – although he thinks it would have been similar results after 2 sessions (but not quite as good). The cost for the 2 sessions was only slightly cheaper than lipo, so I just decided on the surgery.

  5. WWYD here?

    Apologies if this posts 2x.

    Here’s a doozy: I have a former colleague (FC) whom I worked with in my last job for about two years. We were both senior — one of 3 people reporting to the CEO at an org of fewer than 100 people. When we worked together, our org went through a terrible leadership crisis — the stuff memoirs are made of — that caused both of us and many others to leave for new roles elsewhere. It was EPIC. During that time, FC got a DUI — which was absolutely shocking to me — and admitted he’d been drinking too much that night bc of stress related to our work situation.

    For context, we always got along great professionally — lots of mutual respect, support, problem solving, etc. FC and I remain collegial and connect for lunch, on the phone, etc. probably once every six months. We text or email monthly about work stuff. His texts are very much “I miss working with you!”

    Well, FC called today to tell me that he’s being let go at his new job (he’s been there just over a year) bc of two things: his brand new boss of roughly 9 months (head of his new org) is making a power play. Upon more conversation, FC also admitted he “Made a mistake” by sharing “friendly words” with someone he works with. 10 more minutes into the conversation and he tells me he and his wife have been rocky lately, “Hence the words of friendliness.” AHHHHHHHHH. Alarm bells! Bc it also made me think about his texts and while I was sort of surprised by them before, now I can see how telling a former female colleague “Miss working with you every day!” is weeeeird. Right?

    FC and I work in the same industry and he wants to get together to network and, I think, tell me more about what happened. My husband thinks it’s nuts — says he should be confiding in his wife, not me, and pointed out that when FC and I were going through the leadership crisis at OldJob, hubs always thought it was weird that FC would call me at night to hash out the events of the week/day at work. Hubs says he’d have thought that behavior was weird regardless of FC’s gender. Hubs also trusts me and only brought this up when I asked his opinion.

    Summary: I think (thought?) the world of FC. I want to help him professionally but my spidey senses are tingling. He was in a position of power and made an advance at someone! Agh! That is AWFUL. My feminist wiles want to disown him — but we were in the foxhole together at OldJob and it’s hard to let that die. I’m also worried about my professional reputation if I help him find a new job, bc that’s 2 BIG mistakes in the 3 years we’ve known each other (and to be clear, I make 80 mistakes before lunchtime every day, just not of such a public variety).

    What would you do here? Support a friend? Give him a tough talk? Fade? Writing this all out, I can definitely see red flags — but I guess I’m trying to see if I was totally wrong about who this guy was/is and if anything should be salvaged.

    Also, in case it makes a whit of difference: FC and I traveled together for a week while at OldJob, during the crisis time, and he NEVER made a hint of an advance. So there’s that…

    • NYC tech

      Support him as a friend, as long as you continue to like him and he continues to treat you with respect. Stay the heck away from associating yourself with him professionally. Draw good, clear boundaries in your own mind (both personal/professional, and friend/crossing-the-line), and stick to them firmly.

    • SA

      Keep being friends. I think there’s only one big mistake, the friendly words, right? The other nice texts and calling after hours just seem like normal friend behavior to me.

    • lawsuited

      I am really, really, inappropriately close to some colleagues I worked at a terrible firm during a terrible time with. We covered for each other, talked each other off the ledge, and generally got each other through lots of rough days and weeks that our husbands/wives/partners wouldn’t have been able to because they weren’t there and they didn’t understand. So I totally get it. If you’re not sure you can vouch for him professionally (he struggled with a DUI at old job, and most recently hit on a junior so I don’t think you could recommend him wholeheartedly), then don’t. But you can still be a friend to him and support him by being a sounding board during his job search. Talk to your husband about his jealousy first though – he may not understand if he’s not been in a similar work situation before, but close relationships with colleagues are common in terrible workplaces.

      • WWYD?

        Thanks for this. I think the experience of being in the foxhole together is what makes me want to hear him out…my spouse watched my terrible work situation unfold but admits he has no idea what things were really like for me during those months. I agree that I have to be careful about vouching for FC professionally, though. I am a rescuer by nature, so I have to step back a bit and refrain from trying to fix this for him.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe I’m too forgiving, but my sense is that he probably sees you as an ally and likely one of the few friends/contacts he has left in the industry and I would probably at least meet up with him once, in public, and see what he has to say. If he’s never made an advance at you before, that’s probably not why he’s doing this (which I read to be one of your concerns maybe?…). And one bad decision -going too far with a subordinate – does not a bad person make (I see the DUI as a separate issue, but perhaps they’re related… not enough to know). So long as he wasn’t taking advantage of the employee (which is not clear here), and you think he’s an otherwise hardworking worthwhile employee, I’d probably at least see if you can’t point him in the direction of openings.

    • Anonymous

      Fade. He wants in your pants. He’s a drunk. He’s inappropriate. You can’t help him professionally because it would reflect poorly on you. You and your husband are both uncomfortable. Stop texting and fade.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t see much here that screams inappropriate to me in your interaction/relationship with him, so you are clear on that. I work in a hard work/long hours industry, so close working relationships, like after hours calls, are not unknown. But, I will say that I probably listen to single coworkers complain more than the couples, so there may be something to what your husband said.

      I’d be more worried about appearing to champion someone who may have performance issues at work, which could have negative blowback on you.

    • A

      It’s probably too late for poster to read this reply but I will throw this out:

      I worked in a group of 6 under a terrible, terrible boss (and I still work there). I commiserated with one of my fellow coworkers, fight some brutal battles against the boss and generally were ‘friends’, who happened to be of the opposite sex. Our spouses would not have understood the work scenario, blah, blah. I did not necessarily agree with things he did (work ethic, the way he talked to others ) but he was helpful when I started

      One day he and I were working in a private conference room and he touched me inappropriately. We are now embroiled in a wrongful dismissal suit. My terrible boss, fortunately, believes me, but run, far far away. A man does not do that on a one off basis and his DUI tells me he has issues with impulse behaviour. The worst 4 months of my life

      • WWYD?

        Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that his behavior does show poor impulse control and I’m so sorry about what happened to you. If I do meet up with FC, it will be for lunch in a very public place just to be on the safe side.

    • the gold digger

      he tells me he and his wife have been rocky lately

      That is none of your business and he should not be sharing that with you. It is a setup for “My wife doesn’t understand me,” etc. He has crossed a major boundary. Stay away from him.

      • Samantha

        But I can see a friend sharing that with another friend. If they were both same gender, there wouldn’t be any boundary crossed, just a confidence shared.

  6. Agency Counsel

    Darn, and the Houston Rodeo ended a few weeks ago. This would’ve been perfect.

    • In the Pink

      Reminds this Houstonian of the Gilley’s days… I hear they are starting anew and in a different location.

  7. CPA Lady

    I kind of want to be someone’s accountability buddy. For example, I would 100% be there for the person who posted on the earlier thread about ignoring the tax bill and the doctor bill.

    I am currently doing this for my sister, who moved into her house 6 months ago but never really unpacked all the way. Every night we video chat for 20 minutes while she does some dreaded task (sorts through a box of random paperwork, de-junks the catch-all kitchen counter). After about a week, her house is already in such better shape. I think we all have these nagging tasks that we put off forever.

    • CPA Lady

      FWIW, I need someone to be my accountability buddy about entering in my billable time EVERY DAY. Rather than just scrawling notes in a notebook and then trying to piece it together several days later. Sigh. The struggle is real.

        • Anonymous

          I spend every Monday night between 9:30 and 10:00 pm frantically entering all my time for the week before. WORST.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’m so in love with my timers. Granted I don’t switch between many tasks so I can even add in my description at the beginning of the day. If I wind up having a meeting or doing something in addition to what I’ve already entered, I add it at the time it comes up. This lets me close out my time when I leave for the night or when I sign off from home.

        I probably got lucky because when I started we were all expected to use the timers so I didn’t have to overcome a bad habit and could just start by creating a good one.

      • OwlB

        FWIW, I use Rescue Time on every single one of my devices – laptop, tablet, mobile. It is a passive activity tracker that captures what you were doing by program and file name, while running in the background. If you are inactive, when you come back, it asks you what you were doing. Mine is set at 5 min, with push button choices like coffee, meeting, phone call etc. when I get back. I just type a little blurb where appropriate about who it was with. When it comes time for time entry, I match my email, calendar and Rescue Time logs up, and I have records down to at least a 5 min increment, usually to the minute. It also captures my work time on mobile devices. Overall, it helps me be more productive and less stressed about time keeping, even though it is a real pain to still have to sync up with our billing software.

        Happy to be an accountability buddy. I’m working on building gratitude in my life and am logging 3 things everyday that I am grateful for.

        I’m on the messaging app Wickr, at the same username listed above.

    • Anonymous

      Canvas. So I can throw them in the washing machine.

      If just for fashion? Suede… Like the texture much better for a casual sneaker. There’s something both retro and modern about it.

      • Anonymous

        I’m ditching my canvas sneakers in the hopes of finding something that will last a little longer!

        • lawsuited

          Suede is not it then. I absolutely LOVE suede, but it does not last well. Suede gets dirty easily, has to be cleaned very gently to avoid ruining the finish, and it can’t get wet.

  9. Imposter Syndrome be gone!

    Just want to share that my team and I closed a deal yesterday that significantly raised the profile of our client in its industry, and it was a really awesome experience. I was the lead associate and while I’ve done deals for this client before, I really got to know the client team in person this time (we all traveled to seller’s HQ for the closing) and have a great relationship with them now. I honestly have to say, it was the most fun closing I’ve ever done. I’ve been informed that the client gave me rave reviews, and I’m just so pleased that we were able to help them with this acquisition. It also made me happy that even though I was the only woman on our team (both client and attorneys), everyone treated me as an equal. It’s not always like that, especially in this particular industry. I feel like I’ve really earned my stripes at this point. And I also got to spend a lot of time talking with the client team about their operations and geeking out over maps, etc., which is one of my favorite things about deal work. So, more of a celebrate / toot my own horn post, but just felt like sharing it; I feel awesome right now (if tired …). And I’m going to try to use this experience the next time my imposter syndrome flares up!

  10. Monday

    I appreciate the galactic theme uniting this morning’s outfit with these boots.

  11. Senior Attorney Big News

    You all may or not recall someone posted a couple of weeks ago about unexpectedly realizing that she wanted to marry her boyfriend, and how and whether to raise it with him after blowing off his trial balloon about moving in together. As usual, the Hive gave great advice, which was to go for it. And then she reported back that they had the conversation and although no proposal was immediately forthcoming, it went well and she felt good about it.

    Well. That was me. And I am beyond thrilled to report that there was another conversation two days later, during which a proposal was forthcoming and joyfully accepted!! We are planning to be married in September so that our already-booked late-September vacation will serve as our honeymoon. And get this — he has bought me an engagement ring and he wants to have a wedding!!

    I just can’t believe it. I keep pinching myself and the best part is I know he feels the same. I really do feel like Cinderella but I also feel like kind of a bada$$ for knowing what I wanted and participating in getting it, you know?

    It was three years ago this week that I ran away from my home and my marriage, almost certain that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, but okay with that because it would be far better than staying. But really, there was a teeny tiny part of me that thought “maybe there is hope for me yet. Maybe there is love out there. Maybe the good, kind man isn’t a myth.” And the teeny tiny part prevailed!

    Thanks for your support along the way, ladies. You all rock. Hard.

    • NYC tech

      Congratulations! That’s wonderful :) And now you have a story that you can always look back on and remind yourself that in any healthy relationship, the best way to handle conflict, worry, and fear is to have a calm and honest discussion about the topic in question, with both partners listening and caring about each others’ perspectives. That’s a pretty good foundation to build on!

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep! Would you believe that although we have had a few awkward conversations by now, it’s been more than a year and a half and swear to goodness, we haven’t had anything even approaching an argument, let alone a fight. And he’s so funny… when I said I wanted to revisit the “moving in together” thing, he said “Oh, do you want to go sit in the living room, where we normally sit to have awkward conversations?” *snort*

    • meme

      Congratulations! I totally knew that was you (and suspect a whole heap of other regulars did too) and thought that post was adorable and I’m really happy to hear it’s all working out for you.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I think I’m the only person here who can’t ever tell when a regular poster goes anonymous or switches usernames.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Congratulations!!! I remember the posts and was hoping for an update. So excited to see it was you!

    • meimei

      I am going to bookmark this next time I need a pick-me-up. Have yourself a wonderful wedding, you wise Senior Attorney!

    • Jules

      Congratulations!

      Thanks for sharing the story — and for sharing your story all along with way. I’m 56 and recently divorced, and you have been one of my inspirations both in going through the separation and divorce and in being hopeful that my romantic life is not over even in middle age. Now I just need to find an equally wonderful Gentleman Friend (or one even half so wonderful as yours seems to be). Yippee for both of you!

    • In the Pink

      Major congratulations, hugs, and internet toasts to you, Senior Attorney! You are worth every bit of happiness and love showered upon you. We all knew that … so happy you found someone that sees that in you.

    • TO Lawyer

      A big congratulations!! This makes me so happy and honestly gives me hope that I’ll be able to meet someone who I click with and have a future with. Starting over after a breakup/divorce is so hard but you’re living proof that there’s something better waiting for you!

    • Anonymous

      Also so happy I happened to see this and want to let everyone know that SA is just as lovely in real life if you haven’t had the chance to meet her yet! We celebrated her divorce being finalized, I had the opportunity to share some great news with her IRL recently, and now there is even more to celebrate, officially. So happy for you, and please revel in the hard work you put in to being the most authentic and happiest version of your lovely self. Big hugs, your friend across the country.

    • Hazel

      I didn’t guess it was you, at all — but I’ve been hoping for good news for you, because you’re always such a source of wisdom and strength for the rest of us. Congratulations and best wishes for much happiness to come!

      • Shayla

        For real.
        I don’t know how many times I say “The only way out is through” and friends assume I’m the wisest person they know. I’m not, but I know an anonymous internet mentor who is.
        Congrats Senior Attorney, so happy for you!

    • Cat

      Congrats! I love this story. I was wondering if it was either you or NOLA (I forgot if she was or wasn’t married) :)

      • NOLA

        Awww, no I haven’t been around that much. I’m not married, but in a ten year relationship (ten years in 12 days!). No plans to get married.

    • Zelda

      Awww, no I haven’t been around that much. I’m not married, but in a ten year relationship (ten years in 12 days!). No plans to get married.

    • Jelly

      I had no idea it was you, either. Congratulations! How amazing that this was you!

    • lawsuited

      Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Wonderful news!

    • Scarlett

      CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is SO incredibly awesome!!! I am so beyond happy for you!!!

      • Clementine

        (I can’t help but wonder if today’s date has something to do with this…?)

        • Senior Attorney

          LOL that was Gentleman Friend’s idea. He suggested it in passing (“Let’s put it up on Facebook on April Fool’s Day”) and of course the minute it was out of his mouth we both knew it was genius!

          I guess he’s going to need a new name. I’m thinking Lovely Fiance. Or maybe just “my intended.” ;)

    • Coach Laura

      Congratulations! I too had read that original post and hoped it was you.

    • NOLA

      CONGRATULATIONS!! You two are a great couple and I’m so glad I got to meet your beau when you visited. So happy for you!

      • NOLA

        Oh and you know I’ve been so busy and not much time for being here so I totally missed the other posts, but yes! you are awesome and good on you for getting what you want. Wish I could do the same!

        • Senior Attorney

          It was so great meeting you, too, NOLA! That vacation was really special and we came back feeling even closer than we already had.

    • KinCA

      This just gave me goosebumps as I was reading it! Congratulations, SA. I’m so happy for you and your fiance.

    • Anon

      OMG YAY!!!!

      I am so happy for you!! You’ve been so wonderful to me when I’ve posted and I’m so happy you’re getting every happiness with Gentleman Friend!!

    • Anon

      Oh, congratulations, Senior Attorney!

      :-)

      I admit I’ve copied and pasted some of the things you’ve said here in my email so I can look back at your advice, and your description(s) of your relationship with Gentleman Friend. I’m going through grief after the end of a relationship, and…need both the hope and the reminders to not settle for less than a full *partner* if I meet someone in the future.
      So thank you, and congratulations!

      I love the practicality of your wedding/honeymoon planning. :-)

    • Hildegarde

      Congratulations, I’ve been following your story and am so happy for you!

    • Scandia

      This is wonderful!

      People look at me and think I am wise, when I am really quoting you about “things to see as price of admission and things to absolutely not accept in a relationsship.

      I am very happy for you! ( and had no idea it was you)

    • Baconpancakes

      I am so happy for you, SA! You’ve been a font of wisdom since my first day on this board, and I’m so glad you found a relationship that’s “easy” and makes you so happy!

  12. Itchy

    In the last 6 months my legs have started freaking out whenever I shave. They get itchy and red bumps no matter what I do. I’ve tried disposable razors used just once, fancy razors, aveeno shave gel, shave oil, those bliss pads and exfoliating one day, shaving the next. What’s left? Waxing? Acceptance?

    • KateMiddletown

      I’ve struggled majorly with shaving recently and I now chalk it up to the ridiculously hard water at my apt. I always use water (is there another way?) and if I’m shaving at home in the shower, tub, or just a quickie sitting on the side of the tub, I get razor burn no matter the razor/cream combo. When I’m travelling for work in FL with the softest water, or at my SO’s house, I don’t get bumps. Maybe try using distilled/filtered water?

      • meara

        I did lasers on my legs and it’s been AWESOME. I did first just the lower legs, and later upper (only partial–mostly inner thigh and bikini line, the rest was not as dark and wouldn’t have worked as well–didn’t work great on the paler/thinner hair on my lip, either). These days (a few years later) I only have three or four hairs on my lower legs, so I shave maybe once a month? I love it. I hated to shave and my skin always freaked out. (But I did have dark hair and pale skin, so it was ideal) I will say though that I tried a few different places, and the lasers were not as effective at some places as others (they did all have different ones). Sadly, the most painful one was the most effective…

        • Anonymous

          Think I have similar lasering needs as far as a hair pattern. Question for you, how do they price that at the laser place? I see quotes for lower leg or full leg, but not lower plus a little bit of the inside.

      • Boston rec?

        Anyone have laser recommendations in Boston? I have been thinking about it for a long time, but don’t have a good sense of where to go.

        • Anon

          I’ve been going to MD Laser Med Spa on Newbury street. It’s pricey, but I like it.

    • Jelly

      I could’ve written this post. So, so itchy and bumpy! I’ve been waxing for about 2 months and, while the first two times produced good results, the third time I ended up with bumps and the itches! (Same waxer, same products). It’s not quite as bad as it was when I shaved, and I could probably live with it, but the “grow out” period is annoying.

      Last night I tried a sensitive skin nair formula. Made my legs itchy and smelly (and relatively hairless, too, but it’s not a long term solution for me). I’m considering waxing my legs myself. I’m sure there’s a wax out there that wouldn’t irritate my skin and I imagine doing small sections every few days (rather than waiting for it all to be grown out enough for a visit to the waxer). Is this completely crazy? Does anyone here was their own legs? I may be too chicken…

      Like Itchy, I’ve tried all kinds of shave creams and lotions. Open to other suggestions.

      • hoola hoopa

        I wax my eyebrows myself on the regular, and have had professional waxers do my legs and Brazilian routinely as well, so home leg waxing seemed like an obvious win. Nope. I did exactly one strip.

        That said, it was a very small investment in cost and time, so go for it.

    • Anon

      I have struggled with this (and bad razor burn) my whole adult life, and the only thing that really helps is liberal application of hydrocortisone cream after every shave. The difference is night and day.

      • Anonymous

        I need to try this. I have tried EVERYTHING else. Bumps and irritation have just been my life for the last 20 years.

        • hair

          This site recommended to me shaving with conditioner (for the hair on your head), and then slathering with baby oil after shaving. Using a good razor too. Helped my life long bumps/irritation.

          And I just LOVE LOVE winter. Love not shaving…wearing tights… knee high boots. Love it.

  13. DC Young Professionals

    Best places to live in the city? I’m contemplating a job offer and a move from NYC. I know DuPont is a big young professional area — what are some others? The only location criteria is close to the metro (like 2-3 blocks) and NOT surrounded by college students bc they tend to keep different schedules. Ideally looking for a 1 bedroom in a doorman building (or whatever the DC equivalent of a “secure” building is). I’d like a full kitchen (i.e. dishwasher) and nice bathroom (i.e. renovated). But I’m not looking for anything over the top either — need not be new construction, granite countertops etc. I’m coming from NYC so honestly anything built in the 80s or 90s feels new to me. What are rent rates like now? I know people say it’s cheaper than Manhattan, but is it really? I feel like DC has grown a lot. Any help is appreciated.

    • Em

      Personally I think anything in Dupont and Foggy Bottom is overpriced. I’d look at Columbia Heights and Mt. Pleasant, which I love. You can also take the bus downtown easily from there, which is important in these days of degraded public transportation. If you want it to feel a little more sterile (which sounds judgmental but isn’t meant to be – maybe “less gritty”) and are willing to rely on a Metro commute, Arlington between Rosslyn and Ballston.

    • Emmer

      Rent is a little less expensive here, and in general apartments are much larger than in Manhattan. Dupont is old news. The super-hip area to be in is Shaw, but rent there can get very pricey ($2200 + for a 1 bedroom). Where is your office? That will change my answer for you.

      • DC Young Professionals

        My office is 18th & K.

        Where is Shaw exactly (near which metro)? Also — people seem to talk about Adams Morgan, though it doesn’t look like there’s a metro stop right there — how do you commute from there?

        • Em

          Easy buses from Adams Morgan. You’d take the 42 or L2 to 16th and K. And it’s not a long walk from the Woodley Park metro or from Dupont. But I’d still look at Columbia Heights and Mt. Pleasant, just north of there. Same commute, better priced.

        • DC Young Professionals

          As for budget — $2200 max, though ideally I’d be comfortable in the $1900-2100 range.

        • Anonymous

          There’s a metro stop called Shaw-Howard. The neighborhood is roughly between there and the Convention Center stop. With your office where it is, I would be tempted to live in Dupont or Logan Circle and walk to work.

        • Anonymous

          From Adams Morgan you’d probably just walk to your office or take the 42 bus.

        • Baconpancakes

          If you’re at 18th and K, Shaw/Bloomingdale is great. I walked to 17th and L every day, getting coffee at La Columbe or Slipstream in the morning and groceries at Whole Foods or Giant after work. And the G2 bus goes all the way from Georgetown to 1st Street for when it rains – great commute. Budget and tolerance for “grittiness” will determine where you live. I was ok with gritty and poor, so I was on the North Capital side of Shaw, but if you have more budget, ($2kish) you can get a swankier place a couple blocks west.

    • KM

      Would definitely go for Logan Circle or Dupont (agreed, not terribly hip but not far from hip-er areas) and walk to your office.

      Adams Morgan can get wild on weekend nights with college students, but off the main drag (18th Street) there are some nice buildings. But you’d have to be comfortable taking buses.

    • Laura | Sea Salt & Cervantes

      I recommend Logan Circle or Shaw. I currently live at the boundary of those two neighborhoods. There are a lot of secure buildings in the area and it is an incredibly convenient place to live. Lots of great bars, restaurants, three grocery stores, nail salons, etc. Even though there’s a metro nearby, I end up walking everywhere — including to go out for drinks on weekends (lots of popular places are nearby) and to work. You could walk to work too given where your office is. For specific building recommendations, take a look at City Market at O, Jefferson Place, and the District.

    • Emmer

      Logan Circle would be best if you don’t mind walking. It’s not terribly close to a metro and there’s not really a direct bus route to your work if the weather is bad, but it’s a very close walk and a very hip neighborhood.

      I’d also look at apartment buildings in the vicinity of 16th and U. A TON of young professionals there, the 16th st busses will get you within 2 blocks of work, and still close to nightlife and the green/yellow line (U St stop) when you do need a metro.

      Adams Morgan is for college students or very rich people (if you can afford one of the fancy condos/townhouses off of the main 18th st drag). Not young professionals.

    • Bonnie

      I agree that DuPont is no longer the it neighborhood. With that job location, I’d look at places on the redline like Woodley Park, not Adams Morgan. The other side of the bridge is much more chill. I’d also look at Logan Circle and the 14th St corridor. Some of the best new restaurants are in the area. Neither is on the metro line but an easy bus ride down. It’s aka walkable on nice days.

    • anon

      DuPont, DuPont, DuPont. Yes, it is no longer the “It” neighborhood. It is still prettier, more convenient, safer, more fun, and more walkable than most neighborhoods in DC. When I moved here from NYC and started looking for housing, people recommended “trendy” neighborhoods like Shaw or Capitol Hill, which I explored, and promptly dismissed. If you are coming from NYC, these neighborhoods will feel dead to you — DuPont was the only place that was “lively” enough for me to feel like I still live in a city.

      • Emmer

        I have lived here 10 years and disagree with everything except the convenient/walkable part. Dupont bars are populated by 22 year olds. It is not any safer than anywhere else west of the park. I can only imagine it feeling like NYC if Washington Square is your idea of what NYC is. I have no clue how you could possibly think Shaw is “dead” – it is in fact the neighborhood closest to an NYC-level trendy feel. Also Capitol Hill is not trendy (maybe you mean H St NE, which is).

  14. Paging Coach Laura

    Can you send me that list of nursing programs? Thanks!! Future NP anonforthis421 [at] gmail.com

    • Coach Laura

      Yes, later tonight. Sorry, it was a rough quarter end – lots of deals closing this week!

    • In the Pink

      You probably can also look in the College Board’s book called “College Majors.” They list programs by type and state….

  15. meme

    Wise hive, I need your jeans recommendations. I’m 5 months postpartum and ruler-shaped. All my jeans either constantly fall down (1 size up from pre-preg size), or stay up but cause muffin top (pre-preg size). I’m thin but squishy baby belly and minimal hips/waist differential for holding up pants. I probably have another 5-10 lbs of baby weight to lose. I’m open to designer jeans or Old Navy type price points. I just want my pants to stay up without causing muffin top please! I really appreciate any suggestions you may have.

    • Catlady

      Have you tried a higher waisted pair than you’re wearing now? There are flattering ones that do not resemble Mom Jeans from SNL.

      • meme

        Thank you. Any specific recs where to get higher-waisted-but-not-mom jeans? I don’t get out much…

        • hoola hoopa

          Old navy has high-waist skinnies that I lived in post-partum with an elastic belt. Price point is nice for something which you hope to find too big in the somewhat near future. For step up from there, any of the designer brands have them, and Madewell does, which would be more of a mid-price.

        • Catlady

          I got a great stretch pair from the Asos house brand, they were about $40.

        • Seattle Freeze

          I like the Madewell Skinny Skinny Highriser – you can get them in a 9″ or 10″ rise. These are the only jeans I don’t have to wear a belt with, and I don’t have to keep hitching them up. I sized up one size so they wouldn’t be jeggings-tight, and they still stay up.

      • meme

        Yes, but those jeans are saggy, baggy, stretchy all through the waist, hips and bum and don’t look great. Maybe I should try a more structured/non-stretch pair in that size.

    • Anonymous

      I wore maternity jeans until April and had my baby in November. Then I switched to skirts/summer dresses and by the fall, my old jeans fit again.

      No shame here :-)

      • meme

        Well, let’s see, I have some Gap, Old Navy, and the muffin-top pair I’m struggling with today is Kut from the Kloth if I’m reading that squiggly writing correctly. Now that you all point it out, this pair has a pretty low waist. I think I had some Seven for all Mankind (or something like that) before that I really liked but they died. I haven’t really had any brand loyalty before and just picked up random pairs wherever I happened to be when I needed them.

    • anon

      I got AE high-waisted jeggings for this purpose (I am not a jeggings person usually…) and it was PERFECTION.

    • LLBMBA

      I’m – er – almost 2 years post-partum, and high waisted jeans work best for me. My most recent pair is the high rise from j crew and I like them.

    • LSC

      I am about to change your life: Get the DL 1961 Emma jeans. They are the only thing that has worked for me PP, and several of my friends (all of us with new and different mom-shapes) swear by them too. You’re welcome!

      • meme

        Thank you! I’ll give it a shot. This is why I ask questions around here. I know one of you has figured it out before!

        • aby

          dl1961 also makes a straight leg style called coco that is really flattering. the solo wash is pretty thick stretch denim (just got a pair on Amazon half off!). found as I got a little older I needed about an inch or so higher rise than my normal 7’s.

    • Pound

      As Someone with slim legs and hips and a mummy shaped squishy belly, I love love love rag and bone skinny jeans. They conform to my legs and bum but leave room for the soft bits in the middle. They are not cheap and I get them on sale. Worth it though.

  16. Tetra

    Asking again to get more responses — any tips for using a standing desk? Thanks!

    • Emmer

      Get a mat!!! And, listen to your body. If you are feeling really tired, or your back starts to hurt, take a seat for a while. You don’t want to end up straining yourself by doing something that is supposed to be good for you!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Is it just standing or adjustable?

      I recommend a mat and standing barefoot. Work up to standing long periods. I’ve had my adjustable desk for 6 months and like to stand for an hour, sit for 30 min, repeat. It took time to build up to that though.

      • Anne

        Agreed. I alternate between sit/stand periods, although I don’t time it. It’s more like “eh, I should stand” and then “time to sit for a while” than anything else.
        I stand more than I sit, which was my goal.

    • Hollis

      How long have you had it? I’ve had people (like DH) say the transition was nothing, but I found it to be practically unbearable for about a month. I’m more used to it now, so it takes time. I recommend a thick mat, barefoot if possible, and an option to sit somewhere in your office if you want a break.

  17. Anon

    Could really use some advice from you wonderful ladies. I’m a 4th year litigation associate (not big law). I recently left the firm I had been at since passing the bar because of a need to relocate to a different county. My old firm wasn’t perfect (very difficult personality in charge) but I loved the work and loved my coworkers. I’ve been at my new place for 2.5 months and I hate it. The cases aren’t what I lead to believe at my interview. We’re associated in and not lead counsel on anything, which means there is very little to do. Add to that the fact that they expanded too rapidly with new hires at our location and now all of us are struggling to meet our billables due to lack of work. Most troubling is the fact that I know I will not learn anything here. At only 4 years out I have so much to learn and really want to improve as a litigator. Do I tough this out at my current firm for a few years or cut my losses and look for a new position now? I don’t want to look like I’m job hopping. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Zelda

      I would advise you to cut your losses now, with the caveat that you should choose your next position wisely because you only get one freebie in terms of a bad fit (per Ask A Manager). I’m assuming that you’ve been at your previous firm for about 4 years, so you have a history of job stability. As long as you are at your next job for a while, having one short job won’t kill your resume.

      • Anonymous

        +1
        Totally agree. Look now. I feel like litigation in particular is very up or out, so if you have even a year of not developing your skills the way you should be, it can really kill you.

      • lawsuited

        +1 Cut your losses but be very thoughtful about fit in your job search.

      • Ellen

        Yay! OPEN Thread’s! I love open thread’s and all the post’s. But b/c of billeing pressure’s from the manageing partner, I can ONLEY respond to 1 post today, he said.

        I agree you should seriously consider bailing. You are good, so go and look elsewhere. It make’s no sense to be unhappy, and if I was, I would have become a law professor by now. I wish I were MARRIED, but I can NOT do that myself, and it is NOT my fault, dad says, b/c men do NOT want to marry me, just have sex with me. FOOEY!

        So follow your heart and be happy! I have to get back to billeing, so have a great weekend, Kat, Kate and the ENTIRE HIVE! YAY!!!

    • DC Young Professionals

      How large is your market/how quick could you get a job? If you can leave before you hit the 6 month mark — leave bc then you can spin it as bad fit. If that’s unlikely to happen, then plan on grinding it out for a yr and then going forward you don’t have to spin anything — people tend to ask fewer questions once you’re at 12 months and then you can just say you got a good opportunity.

      I’m a litigator too and I’d agree that you should plan on leaving. Timing is up to you but being in an office where you are secondary counsel to other firms means you won’t develop. As a 4th yr you need to be writing briefs (a lot of them) and taking depos; if other firms are acting as lead counsel, that means they’re doing that work and you’re just commenting/2nd (or 3rd or 10th) chairing and you aren’t learning. Litigation is a learn by doing area, and while it may not seem like a big deal to some — the differences become very clear around yrs 6-7 between those who have just watched/managed vs. those who can dive in and run a whole case.

      • Anonymous

        The only exception to the second paragraph I have is if in your local counsel role it means you are going to court all.the.time. I had that experience for one client in particular for several years as a mid-level and it was invaluable. If you’re local counsel in the drop-box sense only, then I agree it’s not helpful and leaving may be a good idea.

        Can you get any read on whether this is just temporary based on the case load at the moment or if this is a permanent situation?

        • DC Young Professionals

          Yes. I agree with the above. Local counsel can be a valuable experience if you’re in court all the time; you will learn the ins and outs of filing and arguing everything in your jurisdiction and that is a huge benefit. But that’s different than if your firm is NOT local but just secondary counsel — i.e. one client retains 2 law firms for business reasons but law firm no. 1 is de facto lead counsel which writes everything, briefs everything, and argues everything and law firm no. 1 pitches work over to law firm no. 2 when they just don’t have the manpower to do it or it’s lower level work that no one wants to do like privilege logs or something; then it doesn’t make sense for you to be working at law firm no. 2.

          Also — before jumping ship, try to look into what your firm WAS working on. Is it possible that a bunch of cases settled/wrapped up all at once? I know at my firm that always led to feelings of LOTS of associates sitting around getting nervous and the only work to be done was lower level, non experience gaining work. And then 4 more cases would come in at once and everyone would be swamped again. Is it possible they went on a hiring spree bc they were/tend to be super busy but just aren’t right now so in 2.5 months you’re not getting a true sense of the practice? Or do you relaly feel like they oversold during the interview?

          • Anon

            There is a lull because a bunch of cases recently settled off. However, the firm was second chair on all of them. So while business could pick up and I’d be busy, it would be busy writing status reports on other peoples’ work. They definelty misrepresented to me their business when I interviewed. They told me they were co-course on “a few” cases. Not all of them. I can’t really say that when I look for a new firm because the community in our field is small. It’s a big market LA/Orange County, but everyone knows everyone in the field (at least firm name/partner recognition). I think I could find a new job fairly easily. My former boss has been in the field forever and is well know and respected, so people know the training I received was great. I’m just not sure how to handle explaining my reason for leaving in an interview without trashing my current firm.

    • Coach Laura

      If you’ve only been there for 2.5 months, then you probably have (a) a good idea of what else is out there and how long it might take you to find something and (b) can you breathe life into the prior job search by calling people who you talked to/interviewed with during the recent search? Since it’s so recent, you probably already have a lot of good intelligence about the market.

  18. Ses

    Happy weekend! I’m curious if there is a London meet-up or interest in one. I’m only getting back to the site after a couple years away, but I really enjoyed the meet-ups we did in Boston for a while. (Hi Boston ‘rettes if you’re around :) )

    (Sorry if this double posts. I assumed posting-fail rather than moderation-fail.)

      • Ses

        I’ll post again in the next open thread. Anyone interested can get in touch at the gmail i’ve just created: londonrette
        Our Boston meetup wasn’t exclusively law, although attorney-heavy. A few of us more tech or finance. The women in that group were/are downright wonderful.

  19. Anonymous

    Ugh. My husband and I just moved to a new (small) town this past summer so he could start a tenure-track job. I’ve been feeling isolated and friendless in our new area, so I was thrilled to get an email from the faculty recruitment office at his university inviting me to a coffee with fellow spouses of new faculty…until I realized it’s at 2:30 pm on a Wednesday. I’m tempted to respond “Thanks for the invitation. I’m unable to attend because this is in the middle of the workday.” I’ll restrain myself but man, this is annoying.

    • DC Young Professionals

      Interesting — yeah definitely don’t say that. Are all the professors men with trailing spouses who stay home? Have you met them in any capacity before or has your husband made a friend or two at work — if yes, you could always invite them over for a BBQ, drinks, whatever — just 1-2 people/couples without bothering about 2:30 pm events.

      • Anonymous

        This is a university-wide thing, so would give me a chance to meet people my husband doesn’t know. He is friendly with some of his colleagues but unfortunately all are male and the ones of our generation don’t have wives or serious girlfriends. And yes, unfortunately trailing spouses are very disproportionately women and it seems at least in this area (quasi-South, not a big city), many are SAHMs or work very part-time.

        • meme

          In that case, I might take a few hours off to attend – sounds like other than the timing of the event, it’s just the thing you need.

          • academic

            +1

            I would take time off to go.

            And I would also make let the organizers know, politely, that you would love to hear about future such events… particularly those scheduled outside of working hours.

    • KateMiddletown

      Can you attend? I would make an effort under the guise of a “networking” event. Your employer will benefit from your roots in the community.

      • KateMiddletown

        And yeah, it sucks, but you may find you’re not the only working-trailing spouse.

        • hoola hoopa

          I’m thinking all this also. Although I love the wording of your decline, I’ve been in similar shoes and it was nice to meet some people even if we weren’t on the same schedule. If my experience holds true for you, there will be more working spouses than the time would suggest (and you can help arrange for future meetings at a better time) and getting to know the SAH spouses is still a good thing (recommendations for service, schools, etc – not to mention interest in meeting up at a time that works for your job). I find lots of trailing spouses are un- or under-employed and very educated/experienced, so they may not be (a) SAH forever or (b) disinterested in developing friendships with working spouses.

          • AnonAnon

            +1000. I am a “trailing spouse” married to a tenured prof too. For the most part all the FacWives (as call ourselves) are highly educated and will be happy to share/commiserate about the ins and outs of being married to a prof. I don’t see anything wrong with a coffee at 3:30 in the afternoon. Are you very far from the campus?

    • Anonymous

      I’m in the same situation and it KILLS me that people assume I am a SAHM. In my husband’s school I think it is a matter of the old guard still running the show and not realizing how backwards these assumptions are. Even the term “trailing spouse,” connotes some sort of passive, doting lemming.

      I would actually encourage you to say something, otherwise you’ll never be able to go to an event. Rather than just identifying the problem, though, offer a suggestion. “This sounds lovely! Unfortunately my schedule does not allow me to step out in the middle of the work day. Please let me know when the next evening or weekend event will be held as I would love to join.” If they’re used to SAHM spouses, they may not have thought to have an evening event and now’s your chance to suggest it.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I hate the term “trailing spouse” too. I followed my husband because I can get a job just about anywhere in the US. He can only be a professor at the couple of schools that offered him jobs after a nationwide search. It’s not because I value my career less or earn less money.

        • Anonymous

          Right, plus I’m not just following him; we made this decision together. We came together, not with him making a decision and with me trailing behind.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        This is a perfectly-worded response – definitely do this!

        (I have a dear friend who is a “trailing spouse” – blech to that term – and has her own career, and this kind of stuff drives her crazy; I’m going to stick this suggestion in my back pocket for the next time I speak with her.)

    • Anon

      Why do you need to restrain yourself? It was not scheduled to meet YOUR needs but everyone else’s. If you want to make friends with the wives then take some time off and attend. Then after you’ve made some connections invite them over later at a time that suits your schedule.

      • Anonymous

        It’s an official get together scheduled by a university person, not a group of SAHMs who already know each other. Actually, it was scheduled by the person who is in charge of helping “trailing spouses” find jobs in our community — so in addition to being annoyed, I’m also amused, because scheduling it at this time is kind of her shouting from the rooftops that she’s terrible at her job (which she is; I have a job but it’s no thanks to her).

        • Anonymous

          You’re probably not still checking, but, for what it’s worth, 2:30 is a terrible time for SAHM’s too. It’s right before/at the same time that school gets out for older kids, and it’s well after typical preschool hours. This timing is not good for anyone, so try not to take it as an attack on women with full time paid jobs.

    • Jen

      Could you respond with something that connotes that you work but also that you are interesting in meeting everyone? Perhaps “I would love to attend, but unfortunately will not be able to leave work for this get together. However, I would love to get to know everyone, so please keep me posted about any future meetings, especially those on weekends or in the post-5 pm time range!”

  20. Taxes Update

    For those of you interested, we spoke with our accountant and the issue turned out to be the cost basis of the shares sold. The amount we owe is (thankfully) much more in line with what we expected and budgeted for. Our 1099 form listed the cost basis as 0, which was obviously not the case, but our accountant was working with what we had sent him and needed more information from us. Panic over.

    • schma

      Was this the $65K tax liability issue? Thank goodness — you must feel so much relief!

    • CPA Lady

      Wow. I would never tell a client what they owed without having basis in their stock sales entered into the return. That is insane to me that he put you through that amount of stress when he knew the return was not done. I’m happy you don’t owe $65k, but I’m kind of horrified on your behalf.

      • Taxes Update

        Agreed. I’ve been a little dissatisfied with him for a year or two mostly because I have felt like we have been a bit of an afterthought to him, and with these stock awards my husband and I just need a little more hand-holding. When we spoke to him he acknowledged that he thought our taxes were maybe off base due to the cost basis, but that he wanted to send them to us and see what we thought (as in, if we freaked out at 65k or if we were like, “yeah, that sounds right”). He is a friend of a friend, but I think this is our last year with him.

  21. Prosecutor

    Clothing question for the hive…

    I’m joining my partner on a business trip to Bermuda. She’s in a male dominated area of finance and generally wears a suit to meetings regardless of location. Occasionally slacks and a twinset or similar if it’s somewhere really warm/more casual. I just discovered I’m invited to both dinners and the afternoon activity (though I may be one of very few spouses). Temperature-wise I’m expecting highs of about 69 and lows of about 61.

    Here’s what I know about dinners/activity:
    “The significant others are included in both dinners and the afternoon activity on Thursday – diner will be around the pool on Wednesday and on the beach on Thursday after the sailing outing that afternoon.”

    As the tagging along spouse…what do I wear?

    • Anon for this

      I live in Bermuda, so I feel like I’m uniquely qualified to answer. It varies by industry, but overall business clothing tends to be more colorful and slightly more casual than in the US. As the spouse, some variation of slacks/khakis and a twinset/blazer would be the right note to hit. Think somewhere between smart casual and business casual and don’t be afraid to wear color. Make sure you pack a windproof jacket (windbreaker or trench) and both long and short-sleeved layers because it can get pretty warm during the day, but cooler at night due to the dampness.

      • Prosecutor

        That’s super helpful; thank you. Would you suggest I choose slacks/khakis over a dress?

        • Anon for this

          Yes, assuming both dinners are outside. Once the sun is down, it often feels a lot cooler than tourists were expecting, compared to the temperature, and pants will be warmer than a dress. I wouldn’t wear cropped pants for the same reason. I would have a different answer if these were daytime events.

          • Runner 5

            It hinges on what kind of sailing it is. A yacht – non marking shoes and otherwise fairly normal clothes, with a swimsuit underneath in case there is swimming. Dinghies – a swimsuit with a light tee and shorts over the top, and a fleece to put on if you get chilly.

          • Anonforthis

            I highly doubt there will be swimming involved (the water is still too cold for most of us here). I’d suggest smart casual. Feel free to wear color. Unless you’re certain that the cabin is completely enclosed, I’d wear long pants (lightweight fabric, not jeans), short sleeved layer, long sleeved layer and/or windbreaker. A maxi dress with outer layer could also be a good option. Depending on the weather (sunny versus cloudy feels very different, regardless of air temp), it might be hot or cold out there. Cropped pants are also an option if it’s sunny.

            I catch the ferry to/from work most days, so I’m familiar with being on the water in Bermuda year round.

            Definitely check the weather each morning when you’re there. Highs under 70 usually require a long sleeved layer unless it’s sunny (and I’ve lived in the Midwest, so I’ve experienced truly cold temps).

    • hoola hoopa

      As the SO, I’d say you can wear what she wears (in level of formality) or country club casual. While SOs should be presentable, they don’t need to look professional.

      I’d probably wear a dress with flats, light scarf, and cardigan to the pool dinner and cropped slacks, smart casual top and topper, and flats or boat shoes for the post-sailing dinner.

      The nice thing about being partner to someone in a male dominated field is that there should be a lot of female role models for spouse attire. Are you friendly with any of the spouses enough to ask what they will wear or have worn for similar?

      • Prosecutor

        Sadly I’m not. She goes to meetings all over the world so it doesn’t tend to be the same crowd.

  22. KT

    If anyone else hates grocery shopping and wants to try out delivery…

    You can get 2 free weeks and $10 worth of groceries using this referral link share.shipt.com/dTg9Q

  23. Anonymous

    I have a solo weekend and nothing to do. I have a car. I have roughly $500. Should I: (a) hit up the outlet mall? (b) order in and get all of my spring cleaning done? (c) redo the landscaping (ugh)? (d) take myself out for a solo night on the town, maybe even stay in a hotel? (e) something else? I’m in NYC. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Skip the mall. Out of town trip: One suggestion: Mystic, CT. Cute shops, an aquarium, and great restaurants. If you still really want to go to an outlet mall, there are two on the I-95.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is a really weird suggestion, unless you have kids. Mystic, CT is a fun family destination but definitely not a place I would suggest to a childless New Yorker. Great restaurants, really? She lives in NYC. I’m not an East Coaster and I don’t think NY is the center of the universe but I also don’t think someone who lives in NYC needs to go to a small town in Connecticut to eat.

        OP, personally I’d order in and get all my spring cleaning done and then reward myself Sunday night a splurge-y meal or some spa time.

        • Anonymous

          It’s also a lot of traffic to sit in solo…I grew up halfway between NYC and Mystic and it’s almost always a mess.

    • Anonymous

      Order in tonight, go through your closet. Complete the project tomorrow and take all donations to charity center (FWIW, I’m not talking full on Marie Kondo here, I’m talking the normal change of seasons closet purge with a glass of wine). Treat yourself to a pedi or spa on Sunday for a job well done.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’d take myself to a Broadway show, pick up delicious food, and stay in a hotel for the night. Then I’d order takeout and spring clean for the rest of the weekend.

    • Bonnie

      I’d order in on Saturday and go through my closet then go to the outlet mall on Sunday.

  24. HR_Exec

    So I am struggling to what to get my boyfriend for his birthday at the end of the month. Here is the catch…(1) I quit my job a few months ago and have done a couple consultant jobs here and there so I don’t have a lot of $$ (2) we will be in Italy and will be only taking carry-on for a three week trip so space is limited and 3) we will probably get engaged during this trip! He loves watches and new tech, but I really can’t afford more than $500 from my savings. He buys so much stuff for himself already, so its tough to get something he doesn’t already have. He has the newest iphone, ipad, fitbit, etc. I can’t exactly afford to buy the watch he wants right now. Any suggestions?!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Is there anything in Italy you’ve talked about wanting to do but didn’t want to spend the money? I’d pay for that. My husband is an experience gift person though.

      • HR_Exec

        I like this idea but we already booked all our activities. I’ll poke and see if anything was left off that he wants to do. Thanks1

    • Cat

      Are you big on “stuff” gifts? My instinct here is to plan something secret for his birthday in Italy — like, reserving a pasta-making class or something.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think you should get him something expensive. It sounds like you can’t afford it (you shouldn’t be dipping into savings to buy a present!) and for goodness sake, you’re going to be in ITALY! It will be a memorable birthday no matter what. Is he a sentimental guy who would enjoy a photobook or scrapbook of your trip? If so I might do that and tell him about it on his birthday. Is there anything he wants to do on the trip that you’re not particularly excited about? I love boat trips but my husband hates them so if we were on vacation together for a birthday and he surprised me with a sunset boat cruise or something like that, I would love it.

      • HR_Exec

        i KNOW! We are so excited for this trip. But i feel weird not getting him something. Since I quit, he’s paying for the trip and if he proposes on top of that, I would feel terrible being empty-handed. Unfortunately, I am the adventurous one in the relationship.

    • Anonymous

      Few ideas might be…
      -Leather passport holder
      -luggage locks (use to lock your suitcase to train, not just to lock suitcase zipper)
      -nice valet bag

      • NOLA

        Yes! The leather passport holders at Leatherology can be monogrammed and they are lovely. I bought one for my brother when he was planning a trip.

    • Laura | Sea Salt & Cervantes

      What about getting a recommendation for a nice wine store from the hotel concierge, and then have him pick out a special bottle of Italian wine on you?

      Seriously, there’s going to be so much stuff to buy while you’re there (real, true balsamic vinegar from Modena is a-mazing), I would wait and get something in Italy.

    • lawsuited

      Just plan to take him out for wonderful dinner on his birthday. You’ll both find a lot of lovely things in Italy, so you could pick up something he takes in interest in while you’re there (or not if the right thing doesn’t come along).

      If you’re planning to marry the guy who always has the newest iPhone, iPad, fitbit, etc. and only wants a watch over $500, you definitely can’t afford to get into a birthday present bidding war at this early stage!

    • Anonymous

      GET HIM AN ENGAGEMENT RING! when you say you’ll *probably* get engaged on this trip, I take that to mean that you are expecting him to propose. how awesome would it be if you also had a ring for him? unconventional, unexpected, pro-feminist, what’s not to love?

  25. soaps

    Sometimes I get so tired of work…

    but I just had a GREAT day, super busy, but great. One of those days that made me say, Hey, I’m really good at this. And then my feelings were reaffirmed by multiple people who appreciate my efforts.

    I just wanted to express that somewhere. Have a great weekend, all!

    • Ellen

      Kudo’s to you! I think it is great for you to feel great–and it’s all b/c you have the POWER of the HIVE cheering you on! YAY!!!!! Have a great weekend, as well as the same to the rest of the HIVE! We are MUCH stronger together then we are seperateley! That is why this organization work’s so well! We all suport each other thru thick and thin! YAY!!!!!

    • academic

      What a nice way to end the week!

      Cheers, to you.

      Enjoy – you deserve it!

  26. Laura | Sea Salt & Cervantes

    Skincare PSA!

    Not sure if you’ve heard of Caroline Hirons, but if not and you are a skincare amateur like me — check out her website. I have oily skin and problems with breakouts, and her Cheat Sheets (on the sidebar) have been a godsend. She turned me on to Biologique Recherche P50, which I’m absolutely loving.

    I could never keep track of what I was supposed to do and when, but now I have it down (at last).

    http://www.carolinehirons.com/

    • Runner 5

      She is the queen of skin. I tried the Camomile Cleansing Butter from the body shop on the strength of her review and I’m so glad I did. It’s lovely.

      • Laura | Sea Salt & Cervantes

        Yeah, I don’t love her writing style. She comes across as a bit patronizing on her website. But then I saw her in an interview on YouTube and thought she was great in person. All that aside, though, her advice is solid.

  27. hey macaroni

    Looking for “weekend shoes.” No straps, can’t come up too high, not sneakers, low heel but not flat, can wear with anything, not black, some structure/support. Under $125.

    I like the firefish from Sperry, but I’m worried about the weight, I had another pair from them that were a million pounds.

  28. Opting out...

    Double post because I used naughty language by accident
    Questions for anyone whose ever written a dissertation:

    I had a disastrous meeting with my dissertation committee this week, and I literally think I’m done. I’m in my fifth year of a PhD program, with an amazing post doc at one of the best schools in the world lined up for next year. I am done with all of the analysis, and about half the writing for my dissertation.

    One of my committee members thinks I need to defer my fellowship (which would essentially mean giving it up) because he doesn’t think I’m going to be done in time. It’s not that I won’t be able to finish (as in, write something that demonstrates I have knowledge of the field and competence as a researcher), its that he doesn’t think I’ll be able to get the work polished to journal publishable quality before I leave. I just sent a GANTT chart with a suggested schedule for the remainder of my time here, and I don’t think they are going to like it.

    I am literally done if they make me give up the fellowship. Seriously and literally done. I cannot spend another year in grad school. The last year has been so hard – I had a really rough time on the job market, and my life is a total disaster. I missed thanksgiving, worked until 4 am on Christmas morning, haven’t been on a date in years, and have missed all of my friends’ weddings. I love what I am doing (seriously!!!) and I’ve been more than happy to do it up until now even though it meant giving a lot of things up, but what is the point if I can’t even take advantage of when things go right?

    I’ve been having rolling panic attacks and crying all day. I am sick of trying to cry quietly in my office so the people next door can’t hear. I am sick of being scared and uncertain and I want literally anything else with my life. What was the point of all of this?

    At this point, I am open to any advice anyone has on the subject. I don’t even know that I have a specific question I’m asking you, but any advice anyone might have is welcome

    • anon

      I’m also a 5th year PhD student, and I’ve had my share of major disasters and misery. I think you should finish. You’re so close, you’ve invested so much of yourself in this, and you can do it. Do what you need to do to get through it in a healthy way. Therapy, gym time, whatever. I don’t usually jump on the therapy bandwagon, but I think you could really use it. Could you take some time for your self to do something you enjoy, and then reevaluate this situation and see what you can do to finish but also keep your sanity?

      One of the things that alleviated my stress was deciding not to seek an academic job. I enjoy research, but I think there are other things I could enjoy too, and I generally see an academic career as full of a lot of negatives and not a lot of positives to balance it out. But it seems like you’re really excited about your postdoc, which is good.

      I noticed you said that one of your committee members thought you wouldn’t be done in time. What about the others? This may not end up being as bad as it seems. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for the response!!! I’m not entirely sure what the others think – I have a meeting with my advisor on Tuesday, so I’ll see what he has to say. I can make it to August, but the thought of another year of this seems so unbelievably daunting…

        I’ve tried therapy before, but I haven’t found it helpful. It’s difficult to explain to people why things that seem ridiculous (all you have to do is write a paper?) are actually really important and difficult :-)

        I think part of the reason this is so stressful is that I love, love, love doing research. I’m happy to come in every day, and I love working on my dissertation (and I love weird things about academia – writing funding proposals, filling out human subjects forms, committee work…). But there’s so much other stuff going on (i.e., the uncertainty, the constant, nagging sense of failure), that I can’t imagine staying here a minute longer than I have to. I was hoping those would go away once I got a permanent job (or a stepping stone to said permanent job), but…

        • anon

          It sounds like you may not even need to stay another year. Just see how it plays out, and try not to be too high strung about it. I think one of the best skills I developed during my PhD program was learning to not stress too much about things that are definitely stressful, like where I’m going to be in a year, and if I’ll be employed. Things will work out.

          Plus, you love research! That’s wonderful! Stick it out for something you love, and it may not even be that bad. If it is, you can find ways to make it better. See your friends periodically. Do small things for you. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but I think you should be able to do all of your work and still have a little time for yourself. I find that when I’m really stressed I work really inefficiently, and seeing some friends and doing small things for myself is good for my work, I find.

          Good luck! I hope you’ll report back good news!

    • Monday

      I am so sorry this is happening to you. I made it through my own diss completion fairly smoothly, but know from other experiences I had that decisions affecting grad students in academia can be fairly arbitrary, based on faculty ego and politics, and allowing for little recourse if the student is being treated unfairly. I had a friend go through something similar to what you describe, and as she said, “you think this is something that happens to other people, and maybe they deserved it, until it happens to you.”

      I don’t know whether this committee member of yours has a point or not, but either way, all is not lost.

      1- I agree with the anon above in encouraging you not to quit. Only you can decide what to do, but I believe that having this degree, after all the hard work and turmoil, is worth something even if you do end up second-guessing the decision to do the PhD in the first place. In other words, if you were a first year I might say go ahead and quit, but since you’re almost done, get what you came for. I don’t say that lightly, because I know how emotionally grueling it can be, and that the hangover from a situation like yours can last years.

      2- Don’t assume that postponing your defense/deposit (if you have to) means giving up your fellowship. My friend who I mentioned above had to go to her postdoc employer and say that she wasn’t going to be done when she’d told them she would be, and it wasn’t any fun of course, but they still let her start on time and she completed her postdoc exactly as planned.

      3- It sounds like this committee member is not your PI/advisor. As long as I’m right about that, he may be all talk. In my experience, a committee member who is not the advisor/chair refusing, alone, to sign off on a diss is an extremely audacious move politically. Most faculty are not willing to cross their colleagues and make a stink at that high a level. I have often seen faculty make threats or insinuations, sending a grad student reeling, and then nothing coming of it because they don’t care enough or don’t know what they’re talking about. Frankly, some faculty like to throw their weight around and remind grad students of their power just for its own sake.

      4- Related: go to your advisor and tell her what’s going on. Emphasize the postdoc, as she wants you to be able to move forward, and your taking this prestigious position makes her look good. At the same time, ask for her thoughts about this other committee member’s comments. If she agrees, then you probably need to capitulate and revise your timeline, or else work out some move that would allow them all to save face while still signing off on your desired date. You cannot move forward without her support, so figure out how you can get it.

      5- Probably before any of this, take a break from working (yes, really, even now) and get into therapy. PhD programs are notorious for sending people into therapy, but I don’t mind being a statistic if it helped me cope, and you need not either. Your current level of upset is not sustainable. Therapy can be extremely helpful in keeping perspective on the bizarre academic world, and don’t rule out medication either if your symptoms stay this bad. Find out what else will help for your self-care, beginning with basics like sleep, exercise, and nutrition.

      I hope the best for you, and please do let us know what happens. You can do this.

      • Opting out...

        Thanks so much!!! Up until now its been smooth sailing, although I suppose this was bound to happen at some point.

        My advisor knows what’s going on (he was cc-d on the emails), and I’ve got a meeting with him next week. For the record, I don’t this this committee member is being completely unreasonable – I definitely haven’t kept him in the loop as much as I should have (which is on me), and I think he’s a good guy and he’s not doing this to be arbitrary or as a power trip. I think a lot of it is a fundamentally different notion of what a PhD should be. Some places view it as the entry level degree required to be a researcher, so the goal is to demonstrate you are a skilled, knowledgable, and capable researcher, and to get done and get you a job. Other places view the goal as creating a masterwork (sort of the craftsman model). I was operating under the former assumption (which I think is more typical for my school), he was operating under the latter. Not that I don’t think all my papers will be published eventually or that they won’t be good when I finish my dissertation (one of them was the writing sample that got me my post doc).

        I took last night off, and I am much much calmer today…although I still get a bit queasy when I think about another year of this. I think my problem is that I’ve been prioritizing this over everything else for so long that I have no coping skills left – there’s nothing to fall back on when things don’t go well. I’ve been promising myself I would take up all of these healthy activities when I get done – and the thought of that being another year off is just devastating. Maybe I should just start running again anyway…

        • Monday

          Oh yeah, I know that mindset well from grad school. “I’ll get back to exercise/dating/friendships/whatever once I’m done.” NO. It does not work! You have to take care of yourself and be a full human all the way through. First of all, as you point out, you lose all your coping skills otherwise. Also, for most people, this is a formative time of life (your 20s). You want to be able to say you did more with it than just survive.

          You sound a lot better, and it’s a perfect time for meeting with your advisor. If I were you, I’d write out an agenda or talking points and then focus on other things until then. Good luck.

          • Anonymous

            I like to think of it as the “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” problem, from this – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSX3KG1hisk.

            I’m pretty sure I can handle anything for about 4-6 weeks, provided I promise myself that once its over things will get better. The problem is that all of the 4-6 week periods keep running into each other…

        • MKB

          One suggestion re: finding a therapist – when I was finishing up my dissertation and really struggling, I used “has a PhD” as one of my criteria for a therapist. I then talked to a few over the phone about the specific challenges I was facing and picked one who seemed like she’d be the most helpful. It was useful for me – both emotionally and practically, I think – to have a therapist who really “got” the challenges of doctoral work.

    • Another Dr.

      I had to chime in. I have a PhD and I didn’t realise how unhappy I was until I graduated. I also had anxiety, panic attacks, depression in the final year as I wrote. I would encourage you to seek a therapist. Make a plan to finish that works for YOU. It is so important to take care of yourself. You may be able to defer the fellowship. But if you can’t there are lots of other jobs and career paths you can pursue. Please don’t prioritize academics over other things in your life such as your health, relationships etc. You may end up regretting it later.

      • AMB

        This. I have never been happier as when I declined an offer to roll my Masters into a PhD. I was a ball of stress in grad school. But I agree to get the degree – you’re so close!

  29. Anonymous

    I am on leave right now but working a bit. I am a lawyer and I work for an on call legal service (kind of like duty counsel on the phone for $25/call). Can anyone suggest any Canadian companies that offer jobs like this? I work for one and could easily work for a second.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I don’t know if any of these companies have Canadian arms but I know ARAG, HYATT and LawPoint are offered as “legal insurance” by some employers and one of the benefits is that member employees can call a legal hotline for advice. Firms that agree to be on the legal advice line are compensated between $25-$50 per call. You might be able to sign up for something similar as a solo.

  30. Anonymous

    Best area to live for a young intern? I’m a foreign university student going to work near Capitol Hill. I’ve been to DC a few times but have only stayed in Foggy Bottom so I don’t know the city that well. What are the best/safest areas to live? My budget is max $2000 and commute ideally less than 20 minutes.

    • Jules

      No suggestions — I lived in DC but it was too long ago to be helpful to you — but you should re-post on Monday, there’s not a lot of action on this site on the weekend.

      And yea for the internship!

    • Anon

      Check out Thompson-Markward Hall (tmhdc.org). It’s right across the street from the Hart Senate Office Building. I lived there recently when I moved to town and was looking for work.

      It’s a ladies’ dormitory founded in the 1870s for women up to age 35. You get a private room with a twin bed, large closet, dresser, and desk. The laundry room is on the first floor. There are two bathrooms on each floor. They serve a hot breakfast and dinner every day; you’re on your own for lunch. They got new cooks last summer/fall and every meal I had for 7 weeks was delicious except 1 meal. (Lasagna night is amazing!) There’s wifi everywhere. It’s maybe not quite fast enough to stream movies when everyone is home in the evening, but definitely during the day.

      Because it’s right by the Capitol, there are Capitol police everywhere. It’s a couple blocks to Union Station.

      It’s $1040 per month, all inclusive.

  31. Convertible backpack

    Back from my medical checkup and my scoliosis got slightly worse.
    I work in management consulting MBB, traveling to client abroad 4 days a week every week.
    I am thinking of a convertible backpack: wear it on my back for the trains, taxi, around office etc. But quickly tug in the straps and carry it from the handle at the client. This is a long engagement and I have not seen a single person with a backpack. Also, I am mid thirties but look twenty so a backpack at client site wouldn’t help.
    So far I only found 2 options at Tumi.
    Any other suggestions? I can go between 300 and 700 dollars if the bag is really kind to my back and won’t raise eyebrows (western european very conservatively dressed all male team)

  32. Anonymous

    Check out Rebecca Minkoff Julian, Moto or Michael Kors Miranda. Thread straps through loop or use loop to carry.

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