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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 211 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Piqué Single-Snap Sportcoat

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. camel beige sportscoat for women workwear Oooh: this linen/viscose/cotton sportscoat from Lanvin looks lux and professional, but laid back and effortless. I love the clean lines, the patch pockets, and the ease of the single snap. Camel beige is not my usual color, of course, but even I'd consider it here. It's $2,085 at Barney's. LANVIN Piqué Single-Snap Sportcoat Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. On the more affordable side, here's a gorgeous pre-owned Jil Sander blazer on deep discount ($123!) at TheRealReal in lucky size S, and here's a lovely Weekend Max Mara beige blazer in sizes 2-16 for $395. If you're looking for an affordable blazer in plus sizes, this Avenue blazer comes in beige for $48 (and hot pink!); if you want something more lux I'd go for this Lafayette 148 New York blazer in plus sizes. (Incidentally, great sale at Salon Z — lots of splurgey plus size stuff on deep sale.) (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

    • Anonymous

      Haha! But seriously I think it’s ok if that color works for you (def not my color).

    • Godzilla

      They did such a terrible photoshop job with this – I’d never order it based off of this picture.

  2. Anonymous

    I like this.

    Question. I just splurged and bought SKII. When do I use it? I also use SPF, of course, and an antioxidant serum. Should I use it after those two things? First?

    • Anonymous

      I used to use SKII after serum (night routine). It doesn’t have spf so I used a different moisturizer with spf for day.

    • HnH

      Do you mean the facial essence? I think it’s kind of watery, so I’d use it like a toner. I typically go from thin to thick: toner, serum, moisturizer or cream, eye cream

      • lawsuited

        +1 Essences are a hybrid toner/serum, so should be used before serum, face oil, moisturizer.

  3. Anonymous

    I need some advice on how to deal with a scheming co-worker. I came up with an idea with the potential to improve the quality of our work, reduce travel and costs, and make our clients happier. A senior member of the team was opposed to the idea and tried to shoot it down at every point. Despite his opposition, our team’s leader told me to implement the idea, which I did without any assistance from anyone on our team (it was, however, a collaboration with another team in our organization with different technical expertise). The initiative has been a great success. Despite this, the colleague who was originally opposed to the initiative continues to try to end it. Then I found out that during his performance review, he took credit for the initiative with our department’s senior leadership. I had already brought up the initiative during my own performance review, but the VP sent a congratulatory e-mail to the co-worker with a cc to the rest of the team indicating that the co-worker received primary credit for the idea and implementation. I am currently avoiding the co-worker because I don’t even know how to react. Input?

    • Veronica Mars

      It would be really, really tempting for me to reply all and say something like, “Congrats coworker! One of the greatest successes of this program was getting John on board with the idea and I’m glad to see he now shares our vision of success. His strong protests against the program actually allowed us to see potential downsides and I’m glad after implementation he is now a champion of the program.” But I don’t think I’d actually have the guts to hit send…

        • Veronica Mars

          Thanks 2 Cents! But others definitely have the better and more classy idea of taking the high road.

          • Veronica Mars

            I wish there was an edit button! I’ll also say, that sometimes I fantasize about being fantastically, independently wealthy, and then playing fast-and-loose at my current job. Like sending emails like this one, saying what I really think in meetings, etc. I would love to see what happened!

    • Bonnie

      I’d ask your team’s leader to clarify that it was your idea and would continue to ignore co-worker.

      • MJ

        + 1

        Do not stoop to snitty emails. It’s like the kid that retaliates in sports–the ref catches that kid, not the instigator.

        • OP

          Thanks. This seems like the only logical move. I would just love to confront the guy directly, but that can only end badly.

    • Anonymous

      I disagree with the others. I would send a reply to the person who sent it clarifying your role and this person’s role. Be very professional and write it in a way that you expect all of the people involved in the project to see it.

      • Anonymous

        The problem with raising the issue yourself, instead of having your superior do it, is that it becomes a he-said-she-said. Particularly when a more junior member of the team is claiming that she deserves primary credit for something that a more senior member of the team already claimed credit for – the exec is more likely to believe the more senior person. OP needs someone who was involved with the project and is senior to both her and scheming senior dude to clarify to the VP who actually deserves credit.

  4. Legally Brunette

    DC ladies, any recs on an excellent Nordstrom personal stylist, either at Pentagon City or Bethesda? I have some very specific things I want (court suit, casual wardrobe for weekends, rainboots, commuting flats) and I’m looking for a stylist to steer me in the right direction. I’m in my mid 30s but open to a stylist of any age as long as she is great. Alternatively, if there is anyone to avoid please let me know that as well.

    I’m also considering trying Trunk Club after seeing the great reviews here, but wanted to try Nordstrom first since it’s free.

    • DC Anon

      Trunk Club is free too. It’s exactly the same idea as Nordstrom, where the stylists get paid on commission.

      • OP

        My understanding from reading Yelp reviews is that the service is “free” but the clothes are priced much much higher than what you would find at Nordstrom. Is that not true?

        • Anonymous

          There’s a lot of inventory overlap and the items are priced the same as they are at Nordstrom, so there’s no Trunk Club markup. The differences that reviewers are possibly noting are two fold. First, Nordstrom price matches to other stores, but TC will only match if the price is reflected at Nordstrom. So, for example, sometimes Nordstrom will show a price reduction with a “We’re Price Matching!” banner–I believe TC will give you the lower price in that situation. But if it’s just a lower price you found and got Nordstrom customer service to honor over chat, TC would not give you the benefit of that lower price. Second, unlike a purchase made at Nordstrom, I don’t believe you can get an after-the-fact price adjustment if something gets marked down.

          I tried Trunk Club last month and I really like having the stylist who is more in my fashion realm–many of the associates at my local Nordstrom try to steer me toward clubby clothes. But as someone who tends to track a lot of items waiting for markdowns and price adjustment opportunities, I think TC will end up being more expensive because I’d be paying the list price far more than I do now. I also think if you’re in a city with a physical location, to some extent they’re selling the “experience” of going into the location and hanging out at the bar as a sort of place to see and be seen. YMMV but I’m definitely not into paying for that. At least my stylist quickly picked up on my introverted personality and took me off to one of the quieter corners for my appointment.

        • Meg March

          I just did Trunk Club for the first time, and was impressed with their system. When they first showed me my “trunk” online, one of the pieces was priced at Nordstrom’s full price. However, by the time I received it, Nordstroms had lowered the price, and I was charged the lower price.

      • Anonymous

        My Nordstrom experience was poor….. I was talked into buying very expensive clothing (nothing on sale…) that didn’t work for me. And it was tailored to me 15 minutes after I agreed to buy it, so then it was non-returnable.

        I felt uncomfortable, taken advantage of, and …. stupid.

        Try to get a recommend of a specific Nordstrom rep to meet with. Mine was way too young and inappropriate for the kind of style assistance I needed. So make sure you carefully choose which Nordstrom sub-department you want your rep to come from, if you go into the process without a specific referral. Definitely don’t pick the younger/trendier departments, if you want work appropriate clothing.

        • Anonymous

          Can’t remember the one that helped me, but she was great (in her 50s) and it was during the day on a random workday like a Tuesday. I get the feeling the best ones are available during the workday, which isn’t great for ‘Rettes :(

        • banana

          Totally dependent on the rep you work with. I worked with a great woman for years who completely understood my work environment and body. She moved on and her replacement isn’t a great match. I just switched to Trunk Club, mainly in search of a good match, and think I found it. I met with her in person to try things on. I told her a $600 jacket was out of budget for me, and it didn’t derail the appointment. The range I tried on was ~$60 (shirt) to $600 (very nice DVF jacket which I am now sale stalking) Everything I bought was below $200 though.

        • Anon for this

          Nordstroms return policy is amazing. You can even return items that were tailored. We use a Nordstroms stylist who has been amazingly helpful and saves me a ton of time on shopping.

    • j

      Hope this isn’t too late – I’ve had smashing success with Nataley, who is at both Pentagon and Tysons (I’ve always met her at Pentagon). I used to work with Susan and did not have success – we just didn’t mesh in terms of style, but Nataley is great. I’ve recommended her to several mid-30s friends and my mom has liked working with her, too.

    • Legally Brunette

      Thank you all so much! I really appreciate it. Based on the recs here, I made an appointment with Kelsey Pincker at Trunk Club. I will also consider making an appointment with Nataley at Nordstrom.

  5. Legally Brunette

    Not sure why my post went into moderation. Looking for recs for an excellent Nordstrom stylist in Pentagon City or Bethesda. Looking for some specific items like a court suit, commuting flats, casual wardrobe for weekends. Hoping to meet someone who can steer me in the right direction and not be too pushy. If there are any stylists to avoid that would be helpful to know as well. Thank you!

    • Anonymous

      FWIW, I think the reason it went into moderation is the ” e t t e” contained in your username.

  6. Two Cents

    Any suggestions on a brick and mortar store in the DC area for good and not too expensive rugs? Looking for a few rugs, size 6 x 8 feet. I do not want to purchase online. The only place I can think of that has a large inventory is Ikea. Any other ideas?

      • MDMom

        Second HomeGoods and Lowes. Lowes had a surprisingly good selection last time I was there. I didn’t look closely because I was shopping for something else but I remember being surprised that they had a lot of cute rugs.

        • mascot

          Our Lowes rugs have held up for 5+ years of heavy use (on hardwoods). We’ve been pleasantly surprised.

    • Bonnie

      World Market, West Elm and Crate and Barrel. There’s also a small Crate and Barrel outlet in Alexandria. You could also check out Craigslist.

      • Io

        The Crate and Barrel Outlet does a great sale in August where everything is put in the parking lot and HEAVILY discounted if you can wait 4 months.

    • NOLA

      I’d second Home Depot. They have a nice selection in stock and I’ve also bought pieces of carpet and had them bound.

      World Market is also good, but they have only certain sizes. 6 x 8 may be a size they carry.

      My bedroom rugs are from Tuesday Morning and they have a good selection and great prices. I had to go to two different local stores to find the same rug in two different sizes.

    • Emmer

      If you can make the drive out to Dulles, Belfort Furniture has an enormous complex with a huge selection of rugs and sales on like every federal holiday.

  7. Bonnie

    Any recs for lounge camis, preferably with a shelf br#? I used to get them at Old Navy but they have not carried them in a while.

    • Monday

      Nordstrom Rack has lots of options. I have some that I think are a store brand–you’ll recognize it because it comes in a million colors.

      • MDMom

        I think the brand is 14th & union or something like that? I have several and love them. But no shelf bra for me… I think they have a version with and one without.

  8. Nordstrom personal shopper

    Gah, trying to post for the third time now. Looking for a great Nordstrom personal shopper in Bethesda or Pentagon City. Any ideas? If there is anyone who is not good, that would be helpful to know as well.

  9. MDMom

    I need shoe shopping help. I just realized that the random ball of foot pain I experience on occasion is because I have bunions. My feet have been this way a long as I remember. I already avoid heels but I adore pointed toe flats. I don’t own any office appropriate shoes with roomy toe box except for boots. I want to get some in hopes I can avoid exacerbating the problem as I get older- right now the pain is only intermittent. Any suggestions for something stylish, not matronly? I’m thinking a loafer that works with a menswear inspired styling, but I’m open to other suggestions. I won’t wear mary janes, shoes with bows, or other styles associated with children- I look young (I call it Alexis Bledel syndrome) and those styles only emphasize that, in a bad way.

    Last time I asked the brilliant women here for shoe help, you pointed me towards the edelman petty booty and it was exactly what I wanted. Hoping lightening will strike twice!

    • Editrix

      I love my navy Cole Haan Campus Pinch loafers, which come in several other fantastic colors and spectator-style black/white and navy/white.

      • NYNY

        If you have bunions, Cole Haan may not be the best brand for you. They tend to run narrow, especially in the toe box. I don’t have bunions, but I do have duck feet – wide in front, narrow in back – and I can never get Cole Haans to fit.

        • Josie Pye

          What shoe brands fit you? I have the same foot proportions and have trouble finding shoes that fit well. I do well with Cole Haan wide widths that have either the Nike Air or whatever their current collaboration is–adidas? But I am looking to branch out.

          • Anonymous

            I can’t do wide widths, because my heels are too narrow. The brand I have the easiest time with is Calvin Klein, but I do sometimes need to add no-slip heel pads to their pumps. I frequently resort to shoes with something to keep them on my foot – mary janes, oxfords, boots – so the extra heel space doesn’t matter.

        • Hollis

          I generally agree with you, but the Tali wedges are an exception. They are made with stretchable leather so that my bunion is nicely covered yet comfortable. The leather pumps are to be avoided at all cost – I paid to get one pair stretched out, but it did nothing for me.

          OP – my strategy is to buy those heel grippers for the back of the ankle and buy shoes that are comfortable in the front, even in the wide size. Any shoe that’s too narrow in the toe box will hurt.

          • Anonymous

            *Most* of the tali wedges have softer leather. I would avoid the ones with the patent toes or strap detail on the toe. Those tend to be more rigid/less soft than the matte leather versions.

    • Anona

      I would do a shoe with a very soft leather, like this: http://www.kennethcole.com/women/shoes/portobello-leather-loafer-GS01122LE.html?dwvar_GS01122LE_size=50335&dwvar_GS01122LE_color=001

      You can get most leather or suede shoes stretched as well to accommodate your bunion. A brand like Gentle Soles has soft enough leather that it will probably not need to be stretched, but it may be worth it to buy a shoe stretcher that comes with pegs to simulate the bunion so that you can do all of your shoes yourself, since it sounds like it will be a factor in all future shoe purchases. I have a foot fitter from Amazon that works pretty well on leather shoes. I believe Nordstrom will also stretch your shoes for free.

    • DC Anon

      If you’re willing to spend a little more money, check out AGLs at Nordstrom on sale. They are fantastic for my baby bunions and still look very sleek and professional.

    • TravelAnon

      And in parallel: YMMV, but I had bunions starting, and yoga has actually restored my feet to almost their original alignment. Unfortunately some of my old flats don’t fit, but I figure it’s worth the price.

    • NOLA

      I was shopping recently with a friend who has bunions and she found that the shoes that are cut straight across the front were the most comfortable for her bunions. I also noticed that my new Clarks flats come up higher in that area and they might work for you, but they are very stiff leather.

  10. Power suit

    I have a couple of important court appearances and am looking to buy a power suit that makes me feel and look great. My two suits are at least 8 years old, both Tahari ASL from Macy’s. They were fine back then but I’m now looking for something in wool, either navy or charcoal (no black). Would prefer lined and one that has both a skirt and pants option so that I can buy the entire set. If not, first preference is to buy a skirt suit.

    I am a size 6, curvy. Willing to spend a good deal of money if I think it’s worth it.

    Anyone have an awesome suit that they love? I live in a big city with all of the major stores around.

    • Zelda

      Try Brooks Brothers or (maybe) J Crew. I was trying to find a similar suit last fall and ended up buying Tahari ASL because the wool suits that I tried (looking at you Ann Taylor) was thin and seemed cheaply made, yet still overpriced. Lafayette 148 is also a good option.

      • Anonymous

        I believe J Crew doesn’t make lined suit pants anymore but I could be wrong.

        • Anon

          I saw recently that J Crew is making a lined version of their “Campbell” suit pant again.

          I much prefer the fit and style of J Crew suiting to Brooks Brothers, but I admit that BB might be better for a curvy figure.

    • anon-oh-no

      I love my Hugo Boss suit for this purpose. I got it at the NAS about 18 months ago, but I am sure there is something similar now. I’m the same size and shape — I think I sized up and then had it tailored so it fit perfectly. Its stretch wool and the pants are not lined, but I don’t mind that. I have the pants, skirt dress and jacket, and mine is black, but they have similar styles in navy and gray. Ill try to find some links.

    • Pear

      Banana Republic has been my go-to for wool suiting (JCrew I could never get to fit). You can get skirt/pants/jacket and the wool pants are still lined. I go by the curvy cut bottoms (and actually wear a petite jacket). Worth going into a store to try on IMO.

    • meme

      +1 Brooks Brothers. Pricey, but nice quality. Their outlet stores have nice suits at reasonable prices.

    • BB

      How pricey? I have Paul Stuart suits that I use for my “power suits.”

      If that’s too high, I second Brooks Brothers, but wait for a sale. I would probably not risk their outlet stores because you might get stuff that was made for the outlet, not nice things that are just deeply discounted. Also, look for suits they do made with Loro Piana wool – those are the best quality.

      • BB

        Also to add: If something in the low 4 figures is in your price range, Escada will occasionally have really nice power suits. You can get them for ~$1000 on sale at a Neiman’s or similar.

    • Hollis

      Boss Hugo Boss, Classiques Entier from Nordstroms and Theory. Try on a lot of them and try to avoid too many trendy details that will look dated later (like fake leather trim).

    • OP

      Thanks all! I have tried on Brooks Brother in the past and it looked quite frumpy but will try again. And Hugo Boss is another great option that I have never tried. Not too crazy about Banana Republic or Jcrew quality. I am usually a big fan of Classiques but they don’t have any appropriate suits now.

      • NYNY

        Unless BB has different stock in stores than online, this is not the season for a BB classic suit. All of them are weird right now.

      • Suited Up

        What about Elie Tahari (not Tahari ASL, tho I like my ASL suits). My Tahari suits are a tad on the “frumpy” side but work with my curvier figure. I have some awesome Theory suits from back in the day, but the bottoms don’t fit well anymore. I find that Theory suits someone with a “ruler” shaped figure, but I do love the look. Theory tends to go unlined though, and for that price, unlined is annoying.

    • Dahlia

      I love hugo boss. I have a gorgeous light wool navy skirt suit that is one of their core suits that they keep making every season and it looks amazing. Fully lined, very classic. I get compliments every single time I wear it. It was pricy but I’ve worn it to every interview and major presentation I’ve had since I bought it.

      One caution- I initially got the tailoring done by their in-house tailor for free and I was quite unhappy with that aspect. I ended up bringing it to my usual tailor and she made it perfect.

    • Mindy

      I heart banana republic for their suits that are lined and have pants and skirt and sometimes dress options. I honestly like their quality better than tahari ASL from Macys. Price point can be around the same, but if you go in store and feel the fabric, the quality shows through afterwards when the Tahari needs to be tossed and the BR is still going strong.

  11. MJ

    Does anyone have recommendations on how to cut down freezer burn? I have a crappy freezer, and it seems like no matter how airtight packaging is, crystals form inside. This includes frozen foods/veg I buy from places like Trader Joe’s, so it’s not just my bad ziplocking job. It’s driving me insane! If the answer is “get a better freezer,” I’m down with that….

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have an answer but I’m not sure it’s related to the quality of the freezer. At least, this happens to a lot of my food and we have a brand new, very expensive fridge/freezer combo.

    • Terry

      Could the temp of your freezer be set too high? If it’s close to 32 F fluctuations in the temperature would cause thawing and refreezing that might lead to freezer burn.

    • Anonymous

      – Use freezer paper (wrap the parcels in brown paper)
      – Don’t store stuff in the freezer as long
      – Make sure the door is closed tight & open the door as little as possible (warming up and refreezing is #1 cause of crystals)

      • Anonymous

        Re: #3, I had crystals and discovered it was because the door was slightly off kilter and the gasket wasn’t getting a good seal. I have a top freezer and the issue was at the top, which I never see because I’m not that tall. You can check for a bad seal by lightly pressing the door around the edges, and holding your other hand right next to the seal to see if you feel any cold bursts of air when you press. In my case, I just needed to adjust the hinges to get it back on line, and the problem was solved.

    • Anona

      If your freezer is too full, it can block air circulation. You can also try cleaning the coils.

  12. Hair

    I’m looking for a curling iron rec. NOT a flat iron. I have a chin length somewhat layered bob. Recently I got a higher quality curling brush that has worked out well, but it was pricey ($90). I’d rather not go that fancy, but I’m starting to realize I need to up the bucket this time.

    Ideally, I’d like one that heats up fast, turns off on its own, has a long cord…. I’m still trying to figure out the best size….

    Thanks for your advice!

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I bought a RUSK curling iron at the suggestion of my stylist. I think it’s great and use it all the time.

    • Anonymous

      I have the drybar 3 day bender one and i love it. it has a adjustable clamp so you can clamp your hair, then turn it so that you wrap around (like you don’t need to wrap the hair around yourself). heats up fast, had it for 1.5 years so far and really enjoying it.

    • anon

      I LOVE my hot tools (either 1″ or 1.25″ depending on the curl you’d like) and it was like $30 on amazon. I’ve done the expensive curling irons and this works just as well.

  13. Q re L&S Pearl

    Full of questions today! The L&S Pearl is on sale. Does anyone have the napa leather version? Does the leather “scuff” and look ratty or does it look nice over time. I am SO SO SO tempted! Also, I know they have a saffiano version, but I don’t love saffiano.

    Thanks, MJ

    • Scarlett

      I have it and I don’t love it at all. The leather looks kind of cheap in person. I like the idea and it’s decent for travel but I’d hold out for something else if you don’t need it.

  14. PSA

    After seeing it posted here, I just bought the Cole Haan Acadia Leather Tote Top-Handle Bag. The list price is $300, but it is marked down to $70 on Amazon. I got the spruce color, and it’s my favorite work bag ever. The color is gorgeous and the quality is amazing.

    It’s a very large bag – slightly bigger than my Fossil Sydney Shopper tote – but somehow doesn’t look huge despite being stuffed. I am able to fit sneakers, gym clothes, breakfast and lunch tupperwares, wallet, and other purse items (phone, pens, makeup etc) easily. This is the bag I have wanted my whole working life! Can’t recommend it enough.

    • itsme1987

      Thanks for posting this. I’ve been looking for a new cross body and this looks perfect. I just ordered it and got free shipping with delivery today. :) Love the green color!

    • MJ

      Wow! Great find. I have been looking for a dark green leather bag forever! Thank you for posting!

  15. Meg March

    My boss spoke to me briefly last week about attending a fundraising dinner for an organization in our industry, and told me that if I was interested, he could try to get me a ticket. I said that sounded great. I was then on a work trip the rest of the week. The dinner is tomorrow. I would have popped by his office to casually ask if he got me a ticket, but he’s working from home today. I don’t want to sound pushy– I’m extremely junior and absolutely don’t “need” to attend this dinner. What language should I use to email him to ask if he ended up getting me a ticket?

    • Ellen

      Yay Kat! This is a nice blazer, but it is above my pay grade. Mabye Alicia Florek can wear this b/c she is the Good Wife, but I am NOT married, and do NOT even have a BOYFREIND yet. FOOEY! I hope to be abel to soon tho, but I am not that hopful. Myrna is haveing a Seder later this month where some of her singel work freind’s will participate. I am goeing to go and hopefully find a guy there. I do NOT want a schlub like the guy from the Park’s Departement, tho. I think he may have a photo of me in his locker in Central Park. FOOEY!

      I wish Myrna knew some MDs, b/c that would make it easier for me to retire to a life of leaisure as a Doctor’s wife. I could just go to the club for lunch, do some yoga and come home for dinner which the housekeeper could make for us, unless we went out to eat. I am now old enough to do that kind of thing, Grandma Leyeh says. She says I am a lost cause with haveing a baby, but I am still goeing to try when I get a boyfreind. YAY!!!

    • CHJ

      “I wanted to follow up on our conversation last week about the fundraising dinner. Were you able to get a ticket for me to attend? Thanks again for your help – I appreciate it. – Meg.”

    • Anonymous

      Hey, just checking in about the charity dinner tmrw. Were you able to get me a ticket?

    • Meg March

      Thanks guys. Thought I was probably overthinking it but it’s always nice to run it by a third party.

  16. Tired?

    How do you react when someone constantly comments on how tired you look? One of our managing partners frequently asks me questions like “Are you awake yet?” when he comes into my office or “Falling asleep back there?” in meetings when I’m very obviously taking diligent notes. I’m usually not tired at all though, and instead I’m just focusing or caught up in my activity.

    It may be a matter of make up (terrible underage circles from allergies, but I use cover up) or my personality as I’m usually quiet and focused and not really bubbly. Either way, it happens at all times of day and in meetings, my office, or the kitchen. How do I politely correct him? I’m tempted to say “My face is just this way,” but I know better than that.

    • Anonymous

      Oh this is so annoying (it happens to me a lot too). I usually just respond with an overly chipper “Nope, not tired!” when someone makes that comment. Re: asking if you fall asleep in meetings, I think you correct the assumption you were sleeping and respond that you were taking careful notes and maybe offer to share them, because that’s something that, if true, could really be seen as negative and so you want to immediately correct the assumption. A comment in the break room that you look tired I think you can basically just ignore.

      (It doesn’t sound like this is the case in your situation, but I have worked for bosses who thought looking tired was a badge of honor and genuinely believed they were paying a compliment to my work ethic by making these comments. Perverse, but true.)

      • Anonymous

        I hadn’t thought about that last point (that people seem to worship at the Altar of Exhaustion). Maybe you could say “I’m not tired, but I have been very busy working on x, y and z!”

      • Anonymous

        I hate this. It’s such a put-down Last time I said ‘Thanks for asking. Actually I’m not tired at all. I just need plastic surgery to get rid of the bags under my eyes” That shut her up.

    • My face

      I hate this. It also happens to me, but usually from only rude women.

      Just look at him, sone faced and say, “No, I’m not tired. Why do you ask?” And keep repeating. Hopefully, he will get it at some point.

      • Anonymous

        I tell people that it is an ethnic feature of my people and people usually stop asking. I don’t know what I would say to a managing partner, though. I think it depends on the partner and if he sits on a high horse or likes to chat with people. Maybe something to the effect of how you feel fine but it is true, you have been working extra hard lately or that you’re just extra focused on the task at hand. I think people sometimes say that as socially awkward small talk and they don’t mean anything by it, rude as it is.

        • Anonymous

          Is your line an obvious joke or does it actually take people aback because it might be true? Dark undereye circles are pretty common in my tawny skinned family and I could imagine saying this and meaning it!

          • Anonymous

            I have downturned, heavy-lidded, deeply set/hooded eyes like many slavic people. You can’t see my eye crease and there’s always a shadow underneath because that is how my face is structured. When I point out that this is a slavic feature, people are like oh ok and leave it alone.

    • Anonymous

      I think consistently responding with something along the lines of “I feel great!” or “No, not tired at all!” or even “Taking notes!” will make it clear that you’re not tired. He maaaay be just trying to make awkward conversation (or he always feels tired and can’t imagine anyone else doesn’t). Don’t put it on yourself or your make-up routine. Your face is your face, if you’re doing the work and getting enough sleep for your personal needs, assume it’s a weird quirk of his and politely but firmly contradict his comments. Hopefully he’ll get the hint.

      • Tired?

        I had bought blush and lipstick to try to “brighten my face up” but it didn’t help the comments. And you’re right, it’s my face and I shouldn’t have to change it. At least it’s better than the frat boys who used to quote Pineapple Express to me when mistaking my allergy-caused redness as a result of a recreational activity! I think it’s just harder to ignore someone who is senior to you at work, and it makes me wonder if it affects my professional standing.

        But thank you all for the scripts, I’ll just keep them going on repeat next time this pops up!

    • anon

      Just ignore him. He sounds like a jerk.

      I think some men get a kick out of commenting on women’s facial expressions. They either don’t realize how rude it is or they like hitting you where it hurts. Don’t fall for the bait. You aren’t doing anything wrong.

      I was once thrown off because our CEO commented on my facial expressions repeatedly, but then I saw him doing the same thing to another woman I work with.

    • Anon

      I have natural under eye circles genetically (I was born with them). They’re so bad that the last time I went without concealer in public was 11th grade when everyone asked me if I was ok and if my dog had died.

      A simple, “My circles are natural, and this is just the way I look, thank you” should take care of this guy.

      Pro tip: Maybelline Eraser Eye Concealer. I use two shades to get the right color.

    • CX

      Are you treating your allergies aggressively enough? For my allergies I go on the offensive as soon as pollen season kicks in: antihistamine, decongestant, nasal spray, and as low-dairy as possible. Keeps me from getting sinus infections and as an added bonus, leads to fewer congestion-related dark circles.

      Failing that, Benefit’s “Boi-ing” concealer is very opaque.

    • Anonymous

      Are you sure this is about appearance? I have a different take on this. To me it sounds like he might be (awkwardly) trying to get you to participate more. When he says “are you falling asleep back there” and you’re obviously awake and taking notes, it seems more like he’s trying to invite you to be more active in the meeting (not passive note taking) than actually thinking you’re not awake.

      I tend to keep my comments to myself unless someone else hasn’t already said something and also to not interrupt and defer to whoever is more senior, so I’ve had to learn to speak up more. Try to be the first person to say hi or good morning when you see someone else (especially this person). Make it a point to comment at least once during a meeting unless your sole function is as a note taker. It’s important to work hard and be diligent, but don’t forget that being personable is an important job requirement at most jobs. If he’s an extrovert, he probably doesn’t understand why you aren’t speaking up and you need to get yourself to the position where you feel comfortable making suggestions.

  17. Anon

    Here’s my 2016 so far:

    – I discovered the amazing man I was seeing and talking about a future with had ISSUES. Hello, heartbreak.

    – I work in a job so unfulfilling that I cry a couple times a week.

    – Said job barely pays the bills.

    – I had to put my SLs on the 25 year repayment plan…and I can barely afford that payment.

    – I have just $4k in my savings account and I live in DC.

    – I owe the IRS $16k.

    – My father died.

    – For reasons too complex and private to explain here, I have to evict my mother from her house, which I now own, for her own good. I’ll need to sell the house and find somewhere else for her to go, from several states away.

    So, um, yeah. I feel like I’m hunkered down in a corner with my arms over my head waiting for “this too shall pass” to pass already.

    I’m trapped financially. I took this job just 5 months ago out of desperation, so I know there’s nothing available in my field; I’m in the nichiest of niches. I can’t afford to stay in my apartment and I can’t afford to move. I hardly see my friends because money’s so tight I can’t afford even happy hour. My life consists of going to the job I can’t stand, going to the gym, and going home.

    I would really, really like to be happy. And if you met me, you’d think I had everything together and everything was great. But it’s not. Not at all.

    I’m leaning heavily on 2 close out of state friends. Phone calls help, but I’d really just like everything to be better.

    Things can only go up from here, right?

    • Portia

      *hugs*

      The social isolation can’t be helping – is there any way to catch up with friends at home, maybe under the guise of inviting people over to make cookies or watch a show on Netflix? Several of my friends work $30,000-a-year type jobs and I’m always happy to go over to their place with a bottle of wine and some cheese rather than catching up over $15 cocktails — usually it’s more fun anyways. If I didn’t live an expensive flight away from DC I’d totally invite you over for dinner.

      Hoping things start looking up soon!

    • Walnut

      Wow, yikes. I can’t help with much, but one line did strike me – “I hardly see my friends because money’s so tight I can’t afford even happy hour.”

      I bet your local friends would be completely up for meeting in a way that doesn’t require anyone to spend a penny. Next time you turn down happy hour, ask if any of them would be interested in meeting up for a walk or some other no cost activity instead. Who knows – maybe their financial situation is stretched just as thinly as yours.

      • Pep

        You live in DC – capital of free museums. Ask a friend, hey – want to take in the X exhibit at the Y museum? Maybe a coffee afterwards if you can spare a five.

    • Anonymous

      Yes! First, you have 4K in savings. That’s a lot more than many people can say! Second, you are paying you student loans! Congrats! Is there a lower payment option available? Would income based help? Third, selling this house will suck, absolutely. But at the end of the year, possible that your mother will be in a safe and stable situation and that you will have sold the house which might help financially? Fourth- what niche? Can we help you find a way out of it. Fifth- give yourself some love. You’re working hard, supporting yourself, and taking care of your mother. Yes, it’s hard and sucks but good job!!!

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes!

      I’m so sorry for all these awful things coming one after the other! You sound like an amazing person who is Taking Care of Business and Doing What Needs to be Done. Hang in there! Better days are coming!

      • JJ

        I agree – you’re doing all the right things! You’re paying your loans, saving, not going into debt, and helping your mom (even if she doesn’t understand). As Senior Attorney says, the only way out is through!

      • NOLA

        Agreed, Senior Attorney. This is a lot for one person in a short time. I know, it seems really overwhelming but just take it one issue at a time, deal with it, and move on to the next focus. Trying to deal with all of it at once is just too much.

    • Godzilla

      RAWRs of encouragement. Also, you need to find a thing to do for yourself that’s not work, family, finances, or gym. Build a bridge out of matchsticks or something. Do something that makes you feel good! Even if you don’t want to or feel like it. DO!

    • Anon in NYC

      Hugs. You’ve had a really rough year. When I get really down, I tend to retreat a lot. Do try to reach out to some of your local friends to expand your support network. You will get through this.

    • So very anon

      Anon – I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice to offer but I relate in a very real way to so much of what you’re going through. I’m at the point where sometimes, as awful as this may sound, I just want empathy from people instead of the same old tired advice. So I just want to say – I’m so sorry to hear this and you’re not alone.

    • CX

      Have you thought about asking for a leave of absence to handle a family emergency or just quitting? It’s almost intern-season in DC, which makes it easy to rent out your place as a furnished summer sublet. You could crash in the house you now own until it sells and (I assume) be closer to your mother to handle her arrangements. And, you might be able to put your loans into unemployment forbearance temporarily. Maybe you can get a line of credit against the house to handle the IRS debt. Definitely get an accountant to sort everything out.

      Sometimes when you feel trapped, taking a dramatic move is exactly what you need to start feeling like you’re making progress.

    • Portia

      Buxom Mascara – lots of volume, not clumpy at all. Second would be the Kat Von D lipsticks.

    • Clementine

      Oh man. Well, it depends on what your life is like and what you use.

      I personally prioritize spending money on good foundations. I’d suggest you go and get a good BB or CC cream. Ideally, go and get a few samples first and then pick the one you like the best. I’ve used the Clinique CC cream, and Dr Jart BB cream and were happy with both of them, but I know they don’t match everyone’s skin tones. If you’re not into BB or CC, Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer is excellent. I wear BB or CC cream every day, even on no-makeup days and it ensures that I have at least some moisturizer/sunblock on.

      My other favorite product is the Boscia Black Mask.

    • Dahlia

      tarte BB 24h primer/BB cream. Its all I put on my skin and its enough coverage to make my skin look flawless while feeling like I’ve wearing nothing at all and still letting my natural glow come through. Moisturizing. SPF 30.

    • Terry

      Under eye concealer (mine is Lancome). Like the poster above I have major under eye shadows it makes a huge difference in my appearance.

  19. Anonymous

    How often when you ask someone “How have things been lately?” do you hear the response (or answer the question yourself with) “Oh, great, we’ve just been soooooo BUSY.”
    This year I’ve tried to eliminate the word “busy” from my vocabulary as a placeholder for “My life is fulfilling” or “Things are overwhelming” or even “I don’t have much going on right now, but being busy makes me seem important.”
    I’m curious if this mentality of “being busy is good” rubs anyone else the wrong way?

      • OP

        I can’t believe I’ve never read this before! It’s exactly how I’m feeling- that all of this self-imposed business is something we just assume is a positive indicator of success or meaningfulness.

    • Anonymous

      I think I tend to say it when I am keeping busy with a bunch of things that aren’t very interesting or worth discussing with people.

    • anon

      Well, considering that I am expected to bill 2,000 hours at my job, I’m trained to think that busy = good. In addition, I’m not married and don’t have a family or anything super exciting going on in my personal life (unlike my friends who are getting married, going on great vacations, having babies, buying houses), “good, been very busy!” is pretty much the most accurate description of my life I can give in response to that question. Unless you want me to immediately launch into a description of the new yoga pose I just mastered.

      I do get annoyed that “busy” is my go-to response, but for me that’s because it highlights that work is still the primary thing going on in my life, time-wise and emotionally.

      • OP

        Yea, that’s the thing. I’m a lawyer, too, and I come back from weekends on Monday morning and people *want* you to answer the question “How was your weekend” by saying “So busy!” But lately I’ve just been saying “It was great. Really relaxing.” People look at you like you have a third eyeball growing out of your forehead. And maybe that will give me a reputation for being lazy or not working hard enough, but I want to be apart of the resistance to the “culture of busy” Cb mentions below.

      • AZCPA

        If I asked, I would LOVE to hear about your new yoga pose, as opposed to some generic ‘so busy’ answer.

      • anon

        Ha, I don’t want it to sound like I’d *never* talk about yoga poses and only talk about being busy, but I admit that “busy” is usually my go-to as my first response, before we start a deeper conversation, or when it’s a colleague or (someone who probably doesn’t want to think about me in lycra) passing by.

        But I can’t imagine seeing someone I haven’t talked to in a few weeks and going: “How have you been, anon?” “Oh, I’ve been good, just learned how to do wheel pose!” So I think that’s why people give “good, busy” as a first response.

        Re; OP at 11:51- huh. I’ve never had people respond weirdly when I’ve said that my weekend was relaxing or fun, or I got to do xyz thing. Those responses seem common where I am (biglaw but smaller city).

    • Cb

      Yes, I’m trying to do this as well. Let’s rebel against the cult of busy.

      I’ve been working (and not always succeeding) on replying positively, saying ‘lots of exciting things going on…’ or an update of what I’m actually working on ‘I had a great tutorial today, the students really seemed engaged’ or ‘prepping a conference paper that I’m excited about’. I’ve found that it has facilitated some good conversations (a senior colleague asking about my teaching techniques, a non-academic friend asking about my research)

    • CHJ

      YES! I completely agree (and love the NYT article on the busy trap). It’s also such a conversation killer. I’ve been intentionally trying to give a positive detail about my life when people ask me that, such as “Things are good. We just booked a trip to see my sister in LA / Our puppy is finally potty trained / We just signed up for a CSA” etc. It doesn’t matter what the detail is – it makes me feel happier about our life and starts an actual conversation instead of “yup, busy too” small talk.

    • Anonymous

      Not saying this is the case when other people use it, but I tend to do it when I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while (and I like it that way), and I expect they’re going to follow up with “we should grab a drink and catch up!” It’s an avoidance technique for people who haven’t quite taken the hint.

    • Jitterborg

      I get that, I’m probably guilty of it too but I usually do include some specifics (dancing, dating, etc.). I think people often say it because most people who ask how they are don’t actually want a long answer.

    • Idea

      Met with a friend this past month who told me about her life… her mom’s dementia & aging, her fights with her drama-loving sisters, her and her husband’s infertility and semi-related health issues, her huge project at work… and then ended with “But other than that, life is good!” and we laughed, because that is life. A series of unfortunate events in between all the good, boring, everyday stuff that we forget to mention. It was a great attitude. Of course you can’t bore everyone with a 20-minute long catch-up everytime someone asks, but sometimes, “Can’t complain!” works, too.

  20. LGP-less

    My BF of about 18 months and I have always had an extremely active s*x life. Usually at least once a day, often much more on weekends. We have an intense attraction and it is a huge stress release/connection/source of joy for us both.

    BF suffers from depression and has been in a particularly down period for about 5 weeks. We have been much, much less intimate during this time – maybe once a week, and I am the only one initiating.

    About a week ago, we had a heated conversation about this. He said some of the feelings he needs from s*x – reassurance, deviance, power – he no longer always gets from me. He recognized these feelings were not necessarily healthy, and we talked about how he needs to have confidence from within rather than relying on external validation. He admitted to occasionally fantasizing about cheating, because it would allow him those confidence-boosting feelings, and how he consequently feels a lot of guilt and shame.

    This hurt a lot to hear, but I was glad we talked about it. I understand the feeling of needing validation from s*x, and in the past have slept with people for this exact reason.

    Part of me thinks this is also just his depression talking. He is on meds and in therapy, but is opposed to couples therapy. He’s unhappy about all aspects of life at this particular time – work, family, etc.

    While I’ve tried to not take this personally, I am starting to feel rejected and resentful. For the past year and a half, we’ve frequently sent one another naughty little texts at random times during the day. This seems so silly, but lately when I send him something like this, he either doesn’t respond or responds with a non-dirty non-sequitur. It hurts. I think I am starting to come across as desperate and clingy – exactly the opposite of what he is desiring.

    I hate intimacy issues in relationships, and thought I’d finally found one lacking them. Am I supposed to start ignoring him in hopes he starts wanting me again? I don’t want to play games like that. Help?

    • Great dress

      Man, I’d just put this relationship on hiatus while he gets his house in order. He’s got too much going on right now.

      • Anonymous

        Yes or this. He doesn’t want to continue your happy sex life? Move on (no hiatus) and be thankful you’re not married.

    • Anonymous

      Oh how cute of him. He is destroying your relationship but won’t consider counseling. I think you’re right. Playing games is dumb. How about “this isn’t working for me. To me, sex is about intimacy and connection and fulfillment, and I miss it. And I’m concerned that you view our sex life as a source of deviance and power. I’m glad you’re seeing someone for your depression, but this is a serious us problem and I need up to get help.”

    • anon

      When I was battling depression, my s*x drive plummeted. It is a side-effect of a lot of anti-depressants. I don’t think this is the whole cause of your situation, but it is something to consider.

      • Anon

        +1. It’s my understanding that that’s a symptom of depression/side effect of the meds. It’s not entirely within his control. So you need to figure out whether you love him enough to stick around and help him through this period or if this is something you’re not comfortable living with. Depression can come and go throughout a lifetime, so you’ll need to make a long-term decision.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Even if the decrease in LGPs is linked to a decrease in his libido caused by the antidepressants or the depression itself (as another poster suggested), the fact is that his solution to what’s likely a pretty easily-explained (if not easily fixed) side effect of his medication and/or condition is to basically make it your fault and tell you he’s fantasizing about cheating on you, and then shut you out. Ummmmm, what? There are so, so, so many layers of nope to this. Trust me, you do not want to be in a relationship where his solution to a depressive episode and its effect on your relationship is to, essentially, emotionally throw you under the bus. He’s going to have depression for the rest of his life, he will (likely) have depressive episodes on and off for the rest of his life, and he is showing you, right now, how he’s going to handle how those episodes affect your relationship – believe him, and make your decision about this relationship accordingly.

      • Anonymous

        Right. And did you like that sex with you was about him feeling powerful and deviant, and now he doesn’t and so what’s the point?

      • Veronica Mars

        +1 million. It’s all about the way he handles his mental health challenges that will make all the difference in your relationship, long term.

    • Jitterborg

      Kind of reminds me of someone I dated recently, who broke up with me because he was having a tough time and as a result he had a LOT of emotional/psychological needs I just wasn’t meeting. He just ended it, even though I was willing to work with him to find ways to take care of him while work and family were stressing him out. Fact is, I realized, was that no relationship can revolve around a single person’s needs all of the time, and while a long-term partner should be a source of support during tough times, if a person’s having problems that are wreaking havoc on their ability to connect with another person, they need to take care of themselves to a degree and have some sense of emotional independence – as opposed to thinking “my life is tough, and it’s my SO’s job to make it all better.”

    • Anon for this

      This may be an unpopular opinion, but I always think it’s a bit of a red flag when someone is in a relationship and has s*x THAT much. Yes, s*x is awesome. It really is. And I spent a good part of my youth having lots of of it and believing that my strongest relationships were ones with very active s*x lives. But as I got older, I realized that lots of s*x can often be a crutch in a relationship, because it hides the flaws.

      • Anon for this

        I’m glad you raised this post. I thought the same thing, but did not want to come off sounding like a prude. But if this is what your relationship is based on, there will come a point where the excitement wears off and you need to find other ways to connect. Think, for example, about if one of you had to travel for work, or if you married and were pregnant and had to be on bed-rest, or that wonderful post-partum period where you are required to not have it for something like 3 weeks. How would he handle those types of breaks, or would it cause things to fizzle out between you?

    • Anonymous

      He should speak with a psychiatrist about possible bipolar disorder. Often misdiagnosed as depression but medications/treatments are different.

  21. Great dress

    This is the great weekend dress I’ve been waiting for all my life (and I could get away with wearing it to work, but I’m pretty senior and IDGAF):

    http://www.uniqlo.com/us/product/women-ponte-flare-dress-168547.html#15~/women/dresses-and-skirts/dresses/short-sleeve/~

    I do not find it to be a ponte at all but more of a poly-knit-twill fabric. I do love that it has sleeves (so tired of warmer weather things that are sleeveless) and is not super tight (I am a 4P top / 6 curvy pants at BR and the M may be a tad roomy but it looks great) and long enough without being mumsy. It is perfect, perfect, perfect.

    • Cb

      That’s super cute – Uniqlo has some hidden gems. I always feel like Eloise in a dropped waist though.

    • Susie

      It would be nice to see it on the model without the horrid white shirt underneath

  22. Bali Recs?

    Has anyone ever done a retreat in Bali? I’m considering a few different ones focusing on yoga, meditation, surfing, and general spa/relaxation. Right now the frontrunners are Bali Goddess and Escape Haven, but I’d love to hear if anyone has experience with any retreat in the area!

  23. Giving me Pause

    So I’m 47 and in perimenopause, which I had never heard of until I was in it. One of the things that tipped me off was that I started gaining weight — 20 lbs. in the past year. Which is a lot. My clothes don’t fit, and I’m uncomfortable. I’m still exercising regularly, and I eat healthy. I’m guessing I need to cut down my portions significantly because my metabolism is lower, but I’m hungry all the time, too. I’ve had my thyroid checked, so I don’t think it’s that. Anybody in the hive found a good way to arrest, or even reverse, the menopausal weight gain?

      • Opal

        How does a nutritionist work if your end goal is sustainable weight loss? Do they meal plan for you?

        • Anonymous

          Depends who you ask and what you pay for. You might go for a few consultations to talk about your dietary needs and different ways to meet them, or see someone weekly for detailed meal plans and in depth support.

        • Veronica Mars

          They can. Or they can look at what you’re currently doing and give tweaks to make it better. For example, the one I saw through a work program told me that I needed to add a protein powder or yogurt, or some kind of a protein, to my morning fruit smoothie. I ignored it because I like having my smoothies as easily digestible as possible and then I have a snack later.

        • Anonymous

          A nutritionist helped my friend understand that the types of food she was eating mattered – I think they talked about the glycemic index, carbs, vegetables, fiber, protein, etc. It didn’t seem like anything you couldn’t get from reading a book and looking at your diet to me, but my friend was raised on boxed mac and cheese and lean cuisines and had never had a lot of insight into what a healthy diet should look like. My friend did then lose a decent amount of weight because she was eating salads for lunch instead of hot pockets, etc.

    • Veronica Mars

      Cooking more at home and eating more natural/whole foods. I was shocked at the sheer volume of food I could get away with when I started eating more veggies, fruits, and prepared my own food.

    • Anonymous

      Bulk up the healthy food on your plate. Just add more of your vegetables…. especially high fiber ones that help fill you up. Add a salad to dinner or lunch, in addition to your usual, and use a healthy simple dressing (eg. oil and vinegar). And stay really well hydrated. Drink a large glass of water etc.. before or after a meal.

      Keep a few healthy snacks about. Hummus and carrots, nuts, crunchy bulky fruits (apples etc..).

      This is life. I’m 46 and am also gaining a belly/muffin top for the first time in my life.

      • pre 50

        Yes, salads! I’m in the same spot, and have found that filling half my dinner plate with salad helps a lot.

        Also, sparkling water and herb tea, which to me are more interesting than plain water.

        Crunchy apples and carrots when I feel the munchies.

        Not eating out as much.

        Cutting restaurant portions in half, immediately, to bring home.

    • Anon

      I haven’t dealt with menopausal weight gain, but I have dealt with weight gain and loss generally. The only thing that works for me is to carefully count and record calories for a couple of weeks (I eat lots of similar things week to week too so once the initial figuring out is done, its easy to input into a program like myfitnesspal.) This gives me a good idea of what I am actually eating and then I can adjust portions accordingly. I keep measuring for a couple of weeks to make sure I am eating the proper amount. Then I am usually able to eyeball things after that (unless I start gaining, then I know I need to be more careful). This is the only thing that works for me. I try to eat “healthy” a majority of the time too, with some splurges. Healthy for me means fairly low carb (though I do eat oatmeal, sweet potato, brown rice, etc. I just try to limit sugar and refined flour things) and higher protein with lots of fruits and veggies.

    • Anonymous2

      Lifting heavy weights while continuing the cardio. Eating clean and possibly eating paleo or at least significantly cutting processed white carbs – white bread, white potatoes, white rice, white sugar. Sucks.

      • Catlady

        Agree, lift weights. Especially since loss of bone mass often accompanies menopause, which resistance training can slow or stop.

    • Anonymous

      My understanding is that when this happens, nothing will help like lifting weights. Yes on the eat right and exercise, but also it is time to start to Exercise Differently. I’m in my mid-40s and have already started easing into strength training (plants, pushups, squats with weights, etc.).

  24. Anonymous

    This post reminded me that I’ve been looking to replace an Olivia Moon ponte camel blazer. Loved the blazer but it’s become worn and pilled and Nordie’s no longer carries the same style. Any suggestions for an affordable option?

  25. Anonymous

    We bought a home with a large deck last year and now that it’s getting warm again I want to get some patio furniture…but birds seem to love to use our deck as a toilet. How do people handle this? Is it realistic to cover the furniture with a tarp whenever it’s not in use? Do you just buy washable furniture and hose it down regularly? Is there a way to scare the birds away?

  26. Anon for This

    Advice needed! And I understand that most of you are not medical professionals and I won’t be able to acurately articulate all the symptoms. However, we are in desperate need of other thoughts/opinions.

    For around a year now, my husband has been waking up everyday with stomach pains – upper abdominal mostly. These pains vary in intensity, but twice in the last three months, we’ve gone to the emergency room because he is in THAT much pain. For the last three months, he no longer eats any meal besides a nightly dinner in which he has small portions. He has multiple bowel movements each morning, after which he is no longer in much pain.

    Over the last three months, he’s been exercising daily to lose weight, thinking initially that his body being overweight was all or part of the cause of the pain. He’s lost approx. 30 pounds since doing this. Still no pain relief. He’s seen a GI specialist who performed a colonoscopy, upper/lower endoscopy and taken biopsies of the stomach and intestine tissue. He’s had an allergy test, ultrasound, and blood tests. ALL have found absolutely nothing. We’ve tried medications to coat the stomach to prevent pain, acid reflux meds, and natural methods (oils and a limited diet of only organic chicken and eggs). They have found no traces of cancer, gluten allergy, or other diagnoses of these symptoms. We are seeking a second opinion, but after the second ER episode this morning, we are at a loss as to what to try next. We are both exhausted and he is sick and tired of being sick and tired!

    Anyone have any things they’ve also tried?

    • lsw

      Sounds like you are doing the right thing with getting a second opinion from another GI doc. Hoping you can get answers soon!

    • Anonymous

      I am not a doctor but it sounds like an ulcer to me. But I would think that would show up on endoscopy. Is he keeping a detailed diary of what he eats and when, what meds he takes, when he goes to sleep and how bad the pain is each day? Definitely seek a second opinion.

    • hey macaroni

      Are they sure it’s GI? Could it be hernia, cardiac, pulled muscle? have they done a swallowing test?

    • JEB

      I had terrible upper abdominal pain on the right side, as well as referred pain reaching around to my back, for almost a year. I had every medical test in the book, and they didn’t find anything.

      I ended up going to a chiropractor, who discovered that my lower rib had moved. I realize this is probably a long-shot suggestion, and it may not even apply since you mentioned that bowel movements give him some relief, but I wanted to at least mention it. It was never bad enough to go to the ER, but I remember having to leave places (like the grocery store) to go home and lay down because I was in an incredible amount of pain and couldn’t stay upright any longer.

      Good luck – it’s incredibly frustrating to have a life-limiting medical issue without answers, and I’m sorry you guys are dealing with that.

    • Carrie...

      Why isn’t he eating during the day? Does the pain get worse when he eats? Does he have nausea? Or a feeling like he is full soon after eating?

      Does he have a hiatal hernia? Pain that severe makes me think of a twisting of the stomach (or a twisting in the intestines) which causes terrible pain because it cuts off the blood flow to the organ… which hurts… like a heart attack. When you have a hiatal hernia, this can sometimes increase the chance of this twisting happening.

      Has he ever had abdominal surgery before, which could have left behind some scar tissue? This can sometimes cause the twisting of the intestines.

      Gastroporesis (slow stomach emptying)? It can cause a variety of symptoms but these can include abdominal pain (worse with eating, usually), bloating, nausea, early feeling of fullness after eating. Symptoms can vary though. The medicine Reglan can help, which you take before meals and before bed. Often you need to take a stomach medicine (like PPI or H2 blocker) as well, sometimes twice a day.

      Does sleeping on a wedge help? Have they done overnight pH testing to see if he is having bad reflux, and that the reflux medicines (PPI or H2 blocker) simply weren’t strong enough?

      Are you in a major center with a large research hospital? I agree with the second opinion. Also, sometimes tests have to be repeated. Definitely rule out a cardiac cause, although this doesn’t sound like that at all. By now he should have also had a good quality CT scan of the abdomen+pelvis with and without contrast (IV and oral).

      This really stinks.

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