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Weekend Open Thread

Long Sleeveless Blazer: Theory 'Skea Crunch' Sleeveless Linen Blend Blazer Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Sleeveless blazers, ladies — yea or nay? I am finally coming around to them as the “light jacket” option — and I particularly like them with wide legged trousers (ooh, or flared jeans) for the weekend. This Theory version looks nice, and it's on a great sale: it was $455, but is now marked to $273. Theory ‘Skea Crunch' Sleeveless Linen Blend Blazer Here's a hugely discounted lower-priced option and one that's available in petite and plus sizes. (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

254 Comments

  1. Anyone seen short ladies (or as I like to call us, “fun-sized”) pull this look off without looking completely frumpy?

    1. I think it’s hard. I’d wear heels.

      This was totally my summer look in 1995. Love it.

    2. I’ve done the wide-leg pant and vest thing with heels, but more frequently do a slim-leg ankle pant and vest thing which I do with pointy-toed flats to elongate the leg a little.

    3. I think with this kind of thing, it’s important that it lays properly. You want the lines to be right for it to be elegant and edgy. The more curves you have, the more difficult it is to get this look to work without a lot of tailoring to make it fit you perfectly. So if you’re an Olsen twin, it would work easily. If you’re a Kardashian, probably not going to work off the rack.

      1. Totally agree with this.

        I am built like a boy, and pretty tall, so this works for me.

        Having the right length of vest relative to flare of the pant is also important

    4. I think this look is easier to pill off with a jacket that hits closer to hip level.

  2. After over a year of trying, a missed miscarriage, two chemical pregnancies, and surgery to correct an issue with my uterus, DH and I found out a month ago that we were expecting again. After a lot of “if this works out” and “if we have a baby in February” we just found out that the baby has a heartbeat!!! This is farther than we’ve ever made it before, so we are cautiously optimistic and are starting to allow ourselves to get excited.

    I want to download some books this weekend and start reading! Do you have any recommendations, either about pregnancy books or for books about babies and parenting in general? Bonus if they bring up topics/questions that bring us to discuss how we would do things or how we would handle certain situations. We’ve been so afraid of what will happen that it has been a long time since we’ve talked about what kind of parents we want to be!

    1. What to Expect when you’re Expecting – general stuff
      Natural Hospital Birth – birth stuff
      The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (La Leche League book) – for BF
      The Happiest Baby on the Block – for baby stuff
      No Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley – for sleep stuff

      Plus look into various groups in your community – postpartum can be challenging and it’s good to know where to go for support if you need it (PPD/BF issues etc)

      And follow ‘The Honest Toddler’ – so funny and so true.

      1. I am 37 weeks pregnant and a physician assistant. I liked Lori Bregman’s “The Mindful Mom-to-Be” as well as the Mayo Clinic’s Healthy Pregnancy book. I have enjoyed using the Ovia Pregnancy app and find the What to Expect When You’re Expecting app / book to be …. meh. I find the tone of WTE app/book to be a little condescending and borderline alarmist. Also, there is a good “pregnancy calendar” on the AlphaMom website that is funny and very relatable for each week of pregnancy.

        Also, at your next OB visit, ask for their recommendations. The “Mindful Mom-to-Be” was a recommendation from a doctor I work with, and I found it to be a surprising pick… but trust me, docs are just as excited and eager to read stuff (not textbooks!) when they find out they are expecting, too.

        Best of luck for a happy and healthy pregnancy :)

    2. Congrats! Super exciting and sending you all kinds of positive vibes. I had some experience with fertility issues followed by four healthy babies. I know it’s cliche, but I liked What to Expect When You’re Expecting. The tone can be a little obnoxious but I though most of the advice was pretty balanced.

    3. “Expecting Better” by Emily Oster. It’s a great book giving a rundown on healthy pregnancy research. Congratulations!

        1. Why do you say so? I found her review of the literature much more nuanced than my doctor’s advice, which was *extremely* risk adverse. For example, her discussion of high vs. low mercury fish was much more informative than the blanket ‘don’t eat fish’ advice I received from other quarters.

        2. This is a good article explaining why her views on alcohol are not medically accurate (e.g. when baby’s liver forms).

          well. blogs. nytimes.com/2013/08/19/pregnant-and-disputing-the-doctor/

          She has some good points but it’s not a great guide on its own.

          I’ve never heard of ‘no fish’ recommended anywhere. Lots of advice on how much and what type of higher mercury fish is okay but I haven’t see ‘no fish’ anywhere.

        3. I definitely agree with you that no guide should be used alone. Thank you for sharing the link.

          I think the disagreement on alcohol recommendations here is based on the type of evidence used. The nytimes link lays out a good argument why doctors, based on biological reasoning, believe that pregnant woman should avoid alcohol. The strongest evidence Oster presents, however, is from observational data comparing the babies of Australian women who drank either a little bit or not at all. I find observational studies more convincing than the nytimes argument, which strikes me as an attractive theory which hasn’t been born out by experiment.

          1. Oh, and I definitely agree with you that Oster was foolish in wading into biology. It’s not her strong suit and diminishes the rest of her argument.

      2. Congratulations! Second (or third/fourth) the recommendation for Expecting Better. It helped me make my own decisions about pregnancy “rules” and how strictly I would or would not adhere to them.

    4. No recommendations (it’s been 30 years since I was in your shoes), but heartiest congratulations!

    5. Congrats!

      I found “What to Expect” very …fear mongering? I liked “Expecting Better” a lot more.

      For birth itself, I loved “The Birth Partner” — it’s written for the partner who is there with you for the birth, but since I was so nervous about the whole thing, it was more comfortable for me to read something that said, “your partner might start to feel [whatever]” than “you will feel [whatever].” It also had some chapters on scary stuff that I asked my husband to read and summarize for me, which was great.

      1. I found What to Expect very fearmongering and shaming. The only book I liked was Expecting Better.

      2. In 1992 my obstetrician told me to take “What to Expect” and literally throw it in the garbage can. YMMV

    6. Congratulations!!! I am also pregnant and due in Feb!! I am liking the What to Expect app I downloaded. There is a forum on the app that is widely used, and friends that have already had babies said they enjoyed using it throughout their pregnancies.

    7. Are you at all an anxious person? I’m very anxious and could not read What to Expect When You’re Expecting without nearly hyperventilating. I found the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy much much better and less scary resource. I loved the What to Expect: the First Year book though, and found it very helpful during my daughter’s first year, especially since I didn’t have a ton of experience with babies.

      Also loved Bringing Up Bebe for a non-American perspective on parenting and Belly Laughs (even thought I think Jenny McCarthy’s views on anti-vaxxing are imbecilic and dangerous)– that book made me laugh so hard I cried, and then I started for real crying because… pregnancy hormones.

      1. Yes, loved Bringing Up Bebe (and I think it was the one parenting book my husband liked).

    8. Congrats!! I haven’t seen it mentioned here, so I’ll add my parenting bibles:

      I loved the Our Bodies, Ourselves Guide to Pregnancy and Birth.
      For birth training, Birthing from Within is kind of woo-woo, but is the only method I found that doesn’t have an explicit or implicit agenda re: pain meds or none.
      Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding
      The Wonder Weeks
      Seconding Bringing Up Bebe and Emily Oster.

      Moms on Call materials (more helpful after Baby is born)

    9. Two kind of off-beat suggestions:

      – So You’re Going to Be a Dad – This was my DH’s fave, and I actually liked it as well. Informative without being overly fear-mongering.

      – One of those “101 questions before the ring” type of books. They’re usually religious in nature, and focused more on engagement, so just ignore the parts that don’t apply to you. But we were pretty independent even as a married couple so we found it incredibly helpful to guide us through our expectations in parenthood – would we go to church, who is responsible for kids’ laundry, what values do we absolutely want to instill, how much money do we want to save or donate, etc.

    10. Congrats! I read Expecting Better based on recommendations from this s!te, and really liked it. I had picked up “What to Expect” before hearing all the backlash, and I felt that it worked for me because I just didn’t read all the “What if?” parts of obscure medical problems, and focused more on “What is happening now in your body?” You could probably get that from an app or a better book. I also liked “Bringing Up Bebe” and so did my husband. As we are approaching the due date (July 19th!) I’m reading “The Wonder Years” and “Cherish the First Six Weeks.” I like reading a variety of approaches.

      Also based on recommendations here, I followed both AlphaMom and Pregnant Chicken’s weekly updates. They were a lot of fun especially when I felt terrible for the first six months.

      Congratulations and best wishes to you – all three of you!

    11. I *loathed* the What to Expect When You’re Expecting – ridiculous nutritional advice (juice-sweetened muffins?!!!), shaming over every possible issue, and to top it off, exactly zero citations or scientific support for the high-fear recommendations. Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy was funny but a little dated, the Dr. Sears books ended up in the trash because I did not have the bandwidth to deal with the level of patriarchal bullsh*t (it was also back when one of the Dr. Searses was pushing an alternative vax schedule and I had no patience for that either).

      The ones I really liked were one Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads, the Happiest Baby on the Block, The Wonder Years, and the Baby Whisperer. Oh, and the Ferber book, but I didn’t buy that before I was desperate and had thrown the Weissbluth book against the wall.

      Strangely enough, I thought the other What to Expect books were actually helpful.

    12. I was basically you a year ago — so serious, heartfelt congratulations. The risk of miscarriage drops dramatically once you hear a heartbeat so let yourself enjoy this a bit, even if you’re still feeling a bit cautious.

      I have an 8 week old now and wish that I had spent a little less time reading about pregnancy/childbirth and a little more time reading about newborns and breastfeeding. In all honesty, there isn’t THAT much you need to know about pregnancy and, personally, I found most of what I read about childbirth to be largely irrelevant (hospital staff help you through a lot of it and you may end up not needing it if you have a c-section like I did).

      That said, for pregnancy, I recommend the Mayo Clinic book and would leave it at that. I had a few others and it was just too much and largely repetitive. The Expecting Better book is interesting in that it gives you additional information about the restrictions and lets you pick and choose from there what you choose to follow and what you don’t. But personally, I recommend finding an OB with a similar level-headed attitude (but, you know, with a medical degree!) to help you wade through the seemingly endless rules. As someone who had trouble getting pregnant and knew what loss looked like (though not comparing an early miscarriage to something as terrible as a stillbirth or child born with health problems), I took a cautious approach toward alcohol, listeria, and mercury, but didn’t worry too much about the rest.

      For breastfeeding, I liked the Ina May Gaskin book as well and think it’s a good primer. You may also want to look (closer to your due date) at the Kellymom website, but only to familiarize yourself and read about early breastfeeding.

      For newborns, there are a ton of books I have bought and haven’t read yet (because, shockingly, you don’t have a ton of time to read — though maybe more than I expected if you can hold a book while spending endless hours breastfeeding). Heading Home with Your Newborn has been helpful for a quick overview but not sure if it’s the best out there. I’d recommend getting the Happiest Baby on the Block dvd (30 min video) and skip the book — but seriously, we literally use every trick in this video multiple times a day with our baby. It’s the most spot-on thing out there for learning to soothe your baby, at least in my opinion. I’d skip the Wonder Weeks book and just get the app when the time comes (i.e. when the baby is born).

      Other than ALL that, please enjoy. I spent a ton of time getting ready for the baby (we’d also moved out of state while I was pregnant) and that was definitely time well spent, but it really is true that once the baby is here, it’s very hard to get out of the house for dinners, movies, etc. You can do it, but it takes work and sometimes guts! The loss of independence was harder on me than I expected — what do you mean I can’t leave the baby unless I have someone to watch him and a bottle of breastmilk waiting in the fridge? Having a new baby is what they say it is — amazing and very hard at the same time. Cut yourself some slack if you aren’t overwhelmed with joy at all times. Good luck!

    13. +100000 to The Happiest Baby on the Block. That stuff is pure gold for the first six months of baby’s life!

  3. I do volunteer work with a health advocacy organization where I am currently butting heads quite a bit with one of the other volunteers. My main area of interest is women’s health and I have a long history of work in this area. However, whenever I use the phrase “women’s health” or similar when I’m at our organization, this other person constantly corrects me to say “uterus holders’ health” or “the health of people with uteruses” or something along those lines. His efforts are ostensibly in the name of inclusivity for transgender individuals and I believe he thinks he’s correcting me for an oversight, but my language choice is actually deliberate and I find it really important to be clear and specific when talking about female bodies (so women can gain more education and seek proper preventive and acute medical care for issues like cervical cancer screening, breast cancer screening, pregnancy prevention, and others). I feel like I’m constantly getting policed by this guy and that we lose a lot of clarity when we play this word game – I’m not allowed to say “women’s health,” I’m not allowed to say “female health” because not everyone who identifies as female has female reproductive organs, and most importantly, I’m not allowed to talk about how misogyny impacts women’s health. This impacts my ability to bring my skillset to the organization and to explain health issues in ways that women can understand (and it’s also offensive to me as a feminist).

    How do I get this guy to back off and realize that I am making a deliberate choice when I say “women’s health” and that I will be sure to clarify whenever I’m talking about an issue that also affects transwomen? Thus far, I’ve mostly said nothing and/or changed the subject, but there have already been a few awkward moments and I’d rather nip it in the bud. I know that a lot of other people we work with will not be on my side because they don’t want to appear transphobic and I’m worried that I won’t be able to stay at the organization in good faith, but I also value the work that we are doing to help women.

    1. If this guy is another volunteer, can’t you just ignore him? Or get guidance from the organization as to what their preferred terminology is in keeping with their mission? I don’t think his “uterus” policy is as clear as he thinks it is when you think about women who’ve had a hysterectomy but still may need some of the services/screenings you mentioned Has he thought that one through?

    2. …ask him how he would like you to sensitively refer to healthcare for women who have had hysterectomies and do not possess uteruses?

      Seriously, I don’t even know where to start with this guy. Oh yeah. Maybe tell him that he doesn’t get to mansplain to you about how to talk to women about their bodies. Maybe explain to him that sensitivity to transwomen needs to be balanced with utilizing terminology around biological s*x that will be clearly understood by the target audience, that women already have challenges in accessing healthcare and obtaining accurate information about s*xual health, and that throwing up an unnecessary linguistic boundary to that is counterproductive.

      I mean, jeez – maybe explain to him that his very assertion insults transwomen by suggesting that they aren’t women? Because “women’s health” encompasses MANY issues beyond the uterus, a lot of which deeply affect transwomen, especially those who have had hormonal or surgical therapy.

      1. +1

        This is exactly how I would respond. His intentions are good but in trying to include transwomen, the terms he uses are excluding others.

      2. It is important to clarify a difference between women (adult human females) and transwomen (who may or may not be adult human females). In a health context, some issues only apply to adult human females (pregnancy, ovarian cancer) and some (mental health, hormonal issues) apply to women and transwomen alike. I know a lot of people think that the word “female” means whatever someone wants it to mean, but as a healthcare professional, I use it in the context of the material reality of having a female body and I don’t feel that my co-volunteer is respecting that. I make a big effort to be really clear whenever I’m talking to a crowd about issues affecting women, transwomen, and other patients, but I feel like the volunteer’s policing is making it really hard for me to just talk in a way that 99% of my clients understand.

        1. I think what really bothers me about this is that you seem like you are entirely sensitive to the reality of the issues that transwomen and women who aren’t transwomen face in obtaining healthcare. We need more people like you and we need to empower those people to provide frank, comprehensive, accurate, and intelligible information to the populations they serve. I’m not trans, and I would really like to hear the input of transwomen and transmen on this issue, but I feel like this guy is kind of insulting them by assuming that this is what’s needed for sensitivity, rather than that what they need is compassionate, accurate healthcare that respects their gender identity AND the health needs they have based on biology.

    3. I’d just like to point out that people who have uteruses but are not women include trans*men. Otherwise, totally agree with you all.

      1. For the record, I don’t use the word “women” when I’m talking to transmen, but I do continue to use “female biology” or similar phases. Saying “people with uteruses” excludes women with hysterectomies or who were born without them (as other commenters have noted), and any word that stands in as a substitute for “female” is really just trying to say the same thing anyway.

      2. I assume this is what he’s getting at, but there’s gotta be a better way.

      3. True, but I’d expect transmen’s health issues to be addressed differently. Sometimes women’s issues are applicable, sometimes not, depending on whether the trans person is on hormones and (in the case of misogyny) whether they present as male or not.

    4. I think the above comments are great. I’m just chiming in to say this guy is a moron and kudos to you for dealing with him.

          1. He’s trying to erase womanhood by reducing AFAB to uteruses (uterii?). I agree–bad intent on his part.

    5. Maybe tell him that referring to women as “uterus holders” reduces us to our parts, stripping us of our humanity? “No, I mean women’s health. As I’m sure you are aware, women are much more than uterus holders.”

      1. Um, don’t you mean non-uterus-holders (*other than non-uterus-holders-due-to-hysterectomy) ‘splaining?

    7. “I understand that you want to be inclusive, but the language you are using is derogatory towards women, who have fought to be seen as more than a uterus, and exclusive to those who have had hysterectomies, birth defects, or require medical care for something besides their uterus. Whatever the problems with my language are, they pale in comparison to yours. As a woman, I am here to tell you that this sexism is unacceptable.”

      3. Then by his logic, would the emergency hysterectomy I had at age 30 post childbirth make me less of a woman?

        What if I have ovaries? what about then?

        I get the intention, but I am honestly personally pissed by the idea that women’s health equals uterus holders’ health.

        2. No kidding. Whenever I went to the doctor in my 20s and early 30s I felt like a walking vagina. The doctor would want to talk about my sex life (and protection, etc) and I’d be wondering if they cared at all about my twisted ankle, the reason I made the appointment in the first place.

          1. This. For everything it is aways “are you pregnant? When was your last period?”

    8. Thanks all – I’m glad I’m not alone in this because it sometimes feels that way at the organization! There are definitely plenty of others who already say “uterus holders,” but no one who corrects me like this guy does.

      1. Not to be flippant, but what kind of f**king health advocacy organization is this, if a group of women who can barely agree that the sky is blue are coming down in universal condemnation.

        1. It’s actually part of a larger trend – big organizations like Planned Parenthood and different midwife associations are starting to say things like “people need abortions” or “birthing parent” to avoid saying “female” or “woman.” I strongly disagree with this because I think you cannot separate lack of access to abortion and other female-specific health care from misogyny (it’s not an accident that the people with the uteruses are the ones who are oppressed on the basis of sex), but I do think that women’s health medical providers should somehow indicate that they can provide safe care to people who may identify as the opposite sex. There is room to be inclusive without being offensive.

          1. I also disagree with this new practice. I have these issues because I am a woman.

            If you want to go down a rabbit hole around this topic, google “radical feminism”. Some of it is really, really, out there but they recognize that the trans-movement is hurting women and erasing our experiences as women.

          2. Agree that we have these issues because we are women living in a patriarchal and misogynistic society. Could not disagree more strongly that the existence of people who are trans* somehow hurts women or erases their experience. First of all, some of them are, in fact, women themselves.

      2. If they refer to biological women as “uterus holders,” does that make men like your co-worker “d*ck-holders”?

        Just asking.

      1. This this this.
        Bridget’s script ca 2:42pm is great, but it dignifies this a$$hat with a lengthy response. The fewer words, the better.

    10. Most guys don’t give a hoot about women’s health unless it’s their woman and they’re not healthy enough to be of service to them. I’d tell this loser to STFU and leave the women’s issues to you. I got HPV from an uncircumcised dude in college who refused to wear a condom. If I found him now I’d circumcise him on the spot with my dad’s pen knife. God was I ignorant back then.

  5. Is it a sign of depression if you find yourself never caring about anything? I was never a warm and caring person into causes. But now whatever the issue is – from race to environment to pro bono work to how to improve associate morale — I find myself saying – whatever, learn to live with it, things won’t change so it’s a waste of time to bother. I feel like I go to work, talk to my family, and watch the stock market and that’s it.

    I know I went thru a rough time 2 yrs ago losing a job I loved and with it my identity. Is it possible that made me so hardened and so – things never work out so why bother – bc they didn’t for me? Or is this something like depression?

    2. Not caring was my ex-husband’s main symptom of depression. Not caring about me, but also not caring about everything else, along the same lines you mention. I’d consult a doctor/therapist, if I were you.

      1. OP here — and what do I tell them? Isn’t this an oddly non specific thing to talk to a doctor about — esp given that I’m not someone who has a dr. who has known me personally for 10 yrs? Well I do – I have a cardiologist that I’ve seen since age 19 who knows me really well but I don’t see him being comfortable hearing about this.

        And to the first poster — no I don’t want to go on meds just for the heck of it.

        1. I’d start with a therapist first, especially if you’re reluctant to go on medication right away. It’s not oddly specific – they’re used to that. I was in a similar situation, where I was taking something that seemed stupidly specific to a therapist – it turned out to be a symptom of much broader issues that I had been somewhat effectively repressing. That might not be the case for you, but they’re not going to think it’s weird that you’re wondering.

          1. And I see you said “non-specific” not “specific.” The point still stands – they’re used to seeing people who don’t know exactly what’s going on; helping them figure it out is the job.

          2. Yep. I think you need to meet with a therapist a few times. This isn’t something that a cardiologist would be able to diagnose/help you with.

        2. I think talking to a therapist makes a lot of sense. Look at people’s backgrounds, see if you find someone you think you would click with, and try it out. You can search on the Psychology Today website. You don’t need to go in with your own diagnosis. Talk to them about what’s on your mind, see if they have some reactions, see if it helps you feel better (whether that means you “care” or you don’t feel like you’re missing on something by not doing so). Therapy doesn’t necessarily mean meds (which I think you know that and were just addressing the poster above).

        3. A cardiologist obviously won’t treat this BUT if I had a dr. who knew me well since I was practically a kid (which you were at 19) and I was generally chatty with him/her — I wouldn’t hesitate to mention it. Someone like that who knows you/your personality is often going to be a good source for a recommendation to someone who may match your style/that you’d be open to talking with.

          1. Could this also have a cardio basis? I remember reading somewhere about significant mood/personality changes after heart-attacks/big interventions…. But I can’t find the article and am not medically trained so a cardiologist you already know seems like a good starting point

        4. For what it’s worth I just got off the phone making an initial appointment with a new therapist. I told her I wasn’t sure if I really needed therapy but felt like I was under a cloud. It was vague as I couldn’t offer specifics, but she got it.

        5. A reply to your question to me, OP — sorry so late in the day. I think that therapists and doctors alike are used to hearing a patient say, “I just don’t feel like myself.” They ask more questions to get to the bottom of things. In any case, I suspect that “I don’t care about anything all that much” will sound VERY specific to a trained clinician. Depression does not always equal sadness, it often equals lack of feeling. (“Anhedonia” is a symptom, for example: the inability to take pleasure in things you once enjoyed.) I wish you luck finding a good person to talk to and sort this out. You’re very smart and self-aware to be asking about this as a possible problem.

          Your cardiologist may have no clue about how to treat you, but I bet you s/he can give you a good referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

      1. I am totally overwhelmed. (It’s good news, but it’s still a LOT of news!)

          1. +1. Yay you! Especially happy to hear this after your post a couple of weeks ago.

  8. You guys! A while back I posted about trying to rent my house fully furnished, and I got some good suggestions from the Hive. Well, I found a great rental agent and this morning, before the listing even hit the web site, she brought me a cute-as-a-basket-of-puppies young couple who love my house and want to lease it for a year! Woo hoo!

    They want to move in August 1, so now it’s time for me to KonMari the heck out of my stuff (and for Lovely Fiance to do the same to make room for me at his house) and get this show on the road!

    Woo hoo! This is a great way to start the weekend!

    1. Wonderful news!!! I love reading your perspective on things. You give such great advice. Wishing you a lot of happiness.

    2. I don’t know you, SA, but it brings me so much happiness to see you happy and joyful. Congrats.

    4. I finally KonMari’ed after seeing it recommended over and over again here, and I am SO HAPPY I did. I went from 2 closets stuffed to the actual brim + random clothes in random places + 4 drawers, to 1/2 a closet and 4 drawers. I can’t wait to move on to the rest of the apartment.

      The super upsetting thing was bringing 2 full bags of clothing to Buffalo Exchange and getting $13. Stupid Buffalo Exchange.

      And yay on renting your house :)

    5. That is wonderful news Senior Attorney!!!!!!!!!! Fingers crossed that the new tenants are as nice as they seem!

  9. Oh, Theory. How I do love you, but you can’t just slap your label on something ridiculous and transform it into something professional. I learned this the hard way with a black linen “romper” that never felt like anything other than a onesie. Not falling for it again!

    Congrats to all of you who are sharing wonderful news today!

    1. Don’t think they are suggesting it is professional – this is nicer lounge-y weekend wear.

    2. I’m going to go ahead and share some wonderful news of my own. A coworker and I were going to be jointly responsible for a really exciting project that is a huge professional opportunity. My boss told me today that the project has the final green light. Since my coworker just accepted another position, she offered me the chance to run it by myself, or or said that we could wait until my coworker’s replacement was hired and then do it jointly. My initial feeling was “Of course I should share this with the new person, it’s a great opportunity, I don’t want to mess up by myself, etc.” but then I realized that all of you would tell my imposter syndrome to STFU and say “Of course I’m so excited to take on this responsibility.” And I’m doing it!

    3. Also hard for me to take this outfit seriously, since the Photoshop is so out of control. The model’s legs are twice as long as the rest of her.

  10. Does it annoy you how obsessed people are with taking pics of their kids? Went to a wedding where kids were invited so 1 friend had brought her 2 yr old. She and her husband spent the better part of 4 hrs taking pics of their 2 yr old and making videos of him. I mean it’s their kid and they can do what they want, but seriously?? When you are around friends that you see only a few times a yr max — bc everyone is scattered — instead of interacting with them for more than 30 seconds, you’d rather film your kid’s every move sitting in his stroller or eating cake or whatever — all of which he presumably does at home?? And how are these kids not going to grow up to be total narcissists when they get their picture taken 1000 times/day and expect adults to stop talking amongst themselves to snap a pic??

    1. Anecdote time, because this irks me too. There is a couple I am close with. They have a 1 year old. Whenever I go visit them I am requested to take a bunch of photos of the family, baby, mom and baby, mom and baby breastfeeding, dad holding the baby, while we are hanging out. You know, just some candids.

      It has not been suggested at any point that I join one of the photos. I’ve been friends with dad for 14 years (I’m 30). This is not memoralizing our time together. It’s me being the photographer for their Precious Moments.

      Then they are all instagrammed, doused in a golden halo of light, and soft-touched with the wings of a dove, posted on facebook with sugar-sweet captions.

      …………Then the mom pulls me aside, tells me she’s going crazy and hasn’t slept in months, that they’re falling back into traditional gender roles and fighting, and she feels her identity slipping away. So, there’s that.

      1. The second thing explains the first. When things aren’t going well, people often feel like they need to keep up appearances especially on social media.

    2. As the mom of a LO, I have to admit this is a hard line – I do take a ton of pics of my kid and I’m guessing from what you described it was likely the first wedding this kid attended. So a milestone of sorts (at least for first time parents). And 2 is still an age that needs a lot of hands on time and attention, so it would be really difficult to completely ignore the kid. Can you suggest to the parent(s) that you all get dinner/drinks sometime sans kid? Or if you live far apart do a weekend sans kid?

      As for your second point, I think that’s less of an issue with a 2 yo. Maybe a true issue with an 8 yo who isn’t able to handle themselves…

      1. But taking a picture of your child takes at most what, a couple of minutes – why should anyone be spending so much time taking pictures that it gets in the way of interacting with other people, kid or no kid? I don’t think the OP is asking her friends to ignore their child, just to interact with their friends without having a phone/camera stuck in front of their face all night.

        1. If you want even a 30 min photo session — I get it. The kid is in a suit for probably the first/one of the first times. You all are dressed up — good time for family pics. But when it goes on for 4 hrs that you interrupt or ignore conversation with friends bc you MUST get a pic of your kid sitting in his stroller, sleeping in his stroller, running (not dancing, actually running) back and forth across the dance floor — well, doesn’t he do these things daily?? Are they SO special that you must ignore your friends who you hardly ever see?

      2. The first wedding a 2 year old has ever attended is a milestone? The mind boggles.

    4. Yes! Take a couple pictures, not 2,0000. Live you life and enjoy the present, jeez.

      1. But you forget — it takes 20,000 pics of a kid to get 7 useable ones to put on social media to show the kid as a perfect angel, your DH as the perfect dad, and your family as absolutely stunning. And if in the meantime you ignore friends that you only see 2x a yr — instead of handing the kid off to dad and chatting with your friends for a few hrs — well, they’ll just have to live with that bc don’t they understand you’re a MOM now and NOTHING is more important??!

    5. It has always irked me to stop what I’m doing so someone can take a photo. There are multiple rolls of film from when I was a kid because some adult was trying to get me to sit still for a photo shoot. Now that I’m a mom, it still annoys me when people ask for photoshoots of “milestone” events with my kid. I want to just enjoy taking him to the beach, or enjoy the party, without the additional layer of documenting the whole thing. I’m happy if other people (grandparents) take photos of us doing our thing, as long as they don’t ask for me to pose for more than 10 seconds. I also snap pictures of my kid doing random, daily things that strike me as cute and share them with family, but that seems different to me.

      1. As a follow-up, I post very few pictures of my child on Facebook or Instagram. I’ve posted maybe 3 since he was born, and my husband has posted more but probably fewer than a dozen. We have a photoshare for grandparents and other relatives, but we don’t edit or filter photos for it. Usually we don’t even spend time selecting photos and just “share all” even if they’re blurry or someone has their eyes closed.

    6. This is annoying. It’s not just parents that ignore real life for photos, though; I have some younger friends (mid twenties) that can sometimes zone out into their own selfie-world for huge chunks of time because they are so busy snapchatting, holding their phone above their heads to get the perfect angle of their duckfaces. Do people know how ridiculous they look in the middle of a wedding reception, or a restaurant, or wherever, making winky faces at their outstretched hand??

      1. I was going to say the same thing. There are ridiculous people in this world. Some of them are parents.

      2. THIS. I have a coworker who I have lost all respect for because of this. Sorry, snapchatting at work when you’re over 30 is not acceptable. Actually, snapchatting at work events is just NOT acceptable (unless its you and your closest 10 coworkers and it’s now hour 4 of drinking).

    7. I am worried about the impact on the kids. I see it in A lot of kids.2 years old and such a ham for the camera. Loves looking at herself and posing and knows it gets her a lot of attention from mom.

      1. Meh. I was like that as a kid, in the days before cell phones. I also took a ton of selfies on my parents’ film camera. My mom would take the film to be developed, and half of the pictures would be selfies I had taken without her knowing. It really pissed her off. Ahhh…. memories!

        That said, I’m a parent of a toddler and take a lot of pictures, but in situations I’m going to be spending time with other people I haven’t seen in a while, I get a babysitter so I can focus on my friends.

    8. Yeah . . . . I love taking photos of my kid. I take tons of photos because he is so fricking cute to me, and then when I miss him at work I happily (ecstatically!) scroll through the photos and videos on my phone. Sometimes my husband and I lay in bed and watch videos we’ve taken while the baby sleeps. Not everything a parent does is narcissistic and attention-grabbing. Sometimes parents just like looking at their kids.

      1. I should note that we’re not taking videos of the baby sleeping – we’re watching videos while he’s sleeping because we miss the little monster.

        And yes, I fully recognize that I may be obsessive and crazy. I accept that.

        1. I take a lot of photos/videos of my kid but usually not more than 1 quick snap if I’m around other people – and every evening while the baby is sleeping my husband and I look at the photos/videos we or the nanny has taken during the day :-) can’t get enough of that baby!!

      2. I don’t want kids but this does not bother me. I get it as much as a no-kid person can. I take an obsence amount of pics with my dog! And my cats. I am the crazy animal lady to your crazy mom photog lady ;)

        *shrugs*

    9. It annoys thethe shit out of me when people are picture obsessed in general. I went on vacation with 3 friends a year ago and I shit you not they spent entire days trying to get the perfect picture and then looking through each other’s pictures. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to be with them anymore and went to my own hotel for the last night bc is was so freaking annoying. Can’t we just hang out without showing everyone on fb how utterly cool we are?!?

  11. There’s a partner at my firm who wears sleeveless blazers. She’s about 19 feet tall, and always looks amazing. She wears all kinds of cool, funky, structural and artsy clothes and shoes, lots of white, and one time I caught her out of the corner of my eye and thought she was David Bowie.

    I sometimes wish we could do fashion profiles of real-life people, because I would love to nominate her. She wears a lot of things that might be called unprofessional by some readers of this blog, but she’s established in her career, is a huge rain maker, was at one point the managing partner of the firm, and would totally rock this “blazer” at the office on a normal day.

    1. A former colleague of mine rocked the sleeveless blazer. She is on the petite end, but has a 100% classic tailored/preppy look at all times and the blazer (much more formal than this one but also Theory) looked totally cutting edge chic over a long sleeve white blouse. I was in awe.

    3. “one time I caught her out of the corner of my eye and thought she was David Bowie”

      This is my fashion aspiration.

    4. All of that is cool, and I’d love to see her outfits which I’m sure are fabulous. Still, it’s not a “sleeveless blazer,” it’s a VEST.

  12. I just made a call to see getting on an antidepressant. I’ve been prescribed them before but haven’t taken them (I took anti-anxiety drugs for a year long ago). They scare me – the side effects, the guilt that I can’t just buckle down (this is largely situational, but it’s a long term situation without end in sight), maybe even that I might feel better and should have started earlier. Plus both my parents are on them (one for bipolar, one for anxiety/depression) and for me, right or wrong, I’m angry about growing up with depressed parents and this feels a little like I’m becoming them. But drugs are the one notable thing I’m not doing for my mental health.

    Can someone who felt similarly talk them up for me (and give me a pat on the back for making this call)? I suspect I’ll be given Lexapro given a long-standing GAD diagnosis.

    1. What do you have to lose by giving them a try? You can always stop taking them if it doesn’t work out. I suppose there is a risk of side effects, but it’s unlikely that your depression will magically go away on it’s own.

    2. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I made an appointment with a psychiatrist next week at my therapist’s recommendation, and a lot of the same thoughts have been running through my head. So you’re not alone, and I’ll be interested to read the replies.

    3. There can be side effects even in coming off of them. So just trying them feels like a big step to me.

      1. Anecdata – I haven’t experienced side effects stopping Prozac (reg and extended release) or Pristiq. The only side effect I felt coming off Effexor was to feel 1,000,000 times better!

    4. I can’t say that I experienced all of the same feelings you are feeling, but certainly some of them. For me it was the perfectionism of why can’t I fix this on my own. However, once the medication kicked in and I started to feel better, I was able to work on the feelings I had more effectively and stop punishing myself. Without the first step of medication, who knows how long it would have taken, if ever, for me to stop punishing myself for not being perfect in any number of ways.

      Anecdata, but I have been on four different antidepressants over the years and the only one on which I experienced side effects that were a detriment to my daily life was Effexor. Otherwise, it’s been smooth sailing! If the first one doesn’t feel right to you once you’ve given it time to kick in properly, please don’t give up. Work with your doc to try to find the one that works best. I have also had anxiety for a long time and I have been happiest with Proxac and Pristiq, in combination with as-needed (hardly ever now!) anxiety meds.

    5. There are hundreds of different antidepressants and hundreds of reasons to take them. I first started taking an antidepressant over a decade ago for anxiety and, after going off and back on for a few times, have come to realize that it’s something I will likely need for the rest of my life, and that’s okay. It controls the “buzz” of worry and allows me to better handle my job, my marriage, my friendships, everything.

      Remember that it takes time for your brain to adjust and you might feel kinda wonky for the first month/six weeks. I was very lucky that I had very few, manageable side effects (Celexa). My husband takes Lexapro and deals with fatigue sometimes, but overall it’s not bad.

      Good thoughts your way.

    6. Congratulations on taking this important step for your health. Your body is not working optimally and you’re taking steps to get it back in order. Please don’t think that this is any different than a diabetic taking insulin.

      On a personal note, my husband is on Lexapro and it made a huge, positive difference in both his life and our marriage. Illness of any kind puts a strain on relationships, more so when it’s uncontrolled. (Some day buy me a beer or three and ask me about my fights with my sister and mother when my father was dying from cancer). Good for you for taking care of yourself!

    7. “They scare me – the side effects, the guilt that I can’t just buckle down (this is largely situational, but it’s a long term situation without end in sight),”

      Nope. You don’t buckle down through a broken leg, or a thyroid condition, or poor eyesight, or severe migraines. Free yourself from the notion that you can over power your brain’s chemistry using your brain alone.

      I think this is a hard concept for people to grasp (me included!) because we are so used to acknowledging our thoughts and our emotions and our brain’s innerworkings as accurate- if I feel this way, it must be the direct result of and appropriate, logical response to external stimuli/ my life/ failure to obtain hopes and dreams, et al.

      I say that not to imply that we should devalue our experiences, think they are not legitimate, or question their realness. It’s just to introduce the concept that there’s another factor at play that determines how you respond to things- your brain chemistry. And your brain chemistry may be operating in a way that makes your response to stimuli different, and maybe even “less accurate”– in the case of depression or anxiety- worse than it needs to be. And meds can help re-balance that so that you respond in a different way.

      Think of it as letting your brain get out of its own way. It mitigates the depression/anxiety, which feels better obviously, and also allows your brain to do the cognitive work you need to do to feel better because it’s not bogged down by needless anxiety.

    8. I am sure this will not help you. But I have been depressed before (treatment for hypothyroidism fixed it). I am depressed again and trying to make an appointment with a therapist. Lot of things going wrong in my life and I can do nothing about it, feeling out of control and general anxiety about how long this misery will last and desperation for something to change for the positive. I always think if it is right for me to have children as I don’t want my children to grow up with depressed me :-( .

    9. Just FYI – I would recommend getting anti-depressants via a psychiatrist, rather than your PCP, considering your family history.

      It’s also a little more complicated because of your history of anxiety. Some people with anxiety become a little anxious initially with anti-depressants. Not everyone, and it varies and usually goes away with time. For this reason, it is important to start at a low dose, and keep in close contact with a doctor who knows your history and what you took in the past for anxiety. Also, if you do become a little anxious initially, sometimes a simple bridge of having an anti-anxiety medicine to take at home… only if needed… can be a great thing.

      Good luck to you. And try to give yourself a break. You’re being too hard on yourself, but this is common when your mood is low. It’s not your fault. Just like it wasn’t your parents’ fault.

      I’m also a child of parents where one was bipolar and the other had depression. I tend on the anxious side of the spectrum. I hear you, more than you can imagine….

    10. Every morning when I take my lexapro I have to tell myself that, for me, it’s like putting my contacts in. I could certainly live without glasses/contacts, but it wouldn’t be the type of life I would want to lead.

    1. The original was vile.

      Comments on the webssite “Go Fug Yourself” were hilarious.

      3. Same! I am tall and thin and love long robes that float behind people when they walk.

  15. Since we are sharing good news, I have a small happy to share: I entered my billable hours every single day this week rather than procrastinating and halfheartedly scrawling them in a notebook and then praying to be able to decipher them sometime next week. Yay, me! Five gold stars!

    Did y’all do anything this week, big or little, that you are proud of?

    1. Long-term boyfriend and I broke up and mere days later a best friend told me (whether she should’ve or not) that she saw he’d set up a profile already on an online dating site (um, ouch!). Instead of obsessing over this or viewing it as an indication of my/our past relationship’s significance, I took good care of myself. I am surprising myself with my own emotional maturity.

    2. I used up a whole log of goat cheese before itwent bad and successfully meal planned with zero waste. (Both for the first time ever)

    3. Super jealous. I’m allocating my time between about 130 project codes. You’d think I would learn.

    4. Didn’t blow up at anybody, even when richly deserved.

      A larger achievement than it sounds. :P

  17. There is a notable absence of “outrage” and “grief” on here today. One event doesn’t deserve it more than the other and I’m quite disappointed in the Hive today.

  18. I am absolutely stunned by the complete lack of comment on this blog about the assassination of 5 police officers in Dallas, particularly considering the amount of posts on this blog about the 2 recent officer involved shootings.

    While there are bad police officers out there, they are the minority. Law enforcement, and other first responders, run towards danger while others run away. The amount of bigotry here is disgusting.

    1. I think the difference is that EVERYONE knows that EVERYONE is upset about the police officers, so you don’t have to go to anonymous website in the middle of the workday to secretly mourn and go back to pretending to be a steel-spined professional. But if you think that’s bigotry, maybe you’d be happier at one of the other billions of websites that exist on the internet.

      2. I have not once felt I needed to hide my thoughts toward or secretly mourn the shameful actions of a few. What happened this week (and what has happened before then) with the officer involved shootings is awful. It needs to be openly discussed and addressed, and it is discussed and addressed among law enforcement, more so than the public believes. What is disheartening is that for those in the law enforcement community (and there quite a few in the Hive), there is an utter silence and lack of support in even the supposedly safe anonymous internet place.

        Remaining divided will solve nothing. Surely we can all agree that a group should not be defined by the actions of a few. We can, and should: 1) grieve and 2) demand better from everyone.

        1. Stop. Just stop. The LE community has an enormous amount of support. Yesterday, an anon said she doesn’t understand why someone who did not know the victim murdered by police would be sad if she did not know him personally. No one would dare say such a thing about the death of a LE officer. No one would question whether the LE officer did something to deserve his or her fate. Everyone is distraught and concerned over the death of LE officers. That is certainly not the case for the POCs murdered by LE officers with impunity.

          1. That is so one-sided it is ridiculous. First, of course the question, in an officer involved shooting, is if the person shot ‘did something to deserve his or her fate’. Because an officer has a right to defend themselves or others if they fear their life, or the life of others, is in danger. That is what the entire investigation is about, it is the only question that really matters, and the one that determines if the shooting was justified or a murder. Pretty distinguishable from a sniper picking off people from a rooftop. And second, as evidenced on this blog and other social media, support for LEOs isn’t nearly as huge as you seem to think it is. Everything they do is questioned and examined, which is fine, but they are also being convicted in public opinion before all the facts come to light, and universally being called racist as a group just for wearing a badge, regardless of personal deeds or ethnicity. Its pretty shocking, and just getting worse.

          3. Yeah but then our actual justice system does nothing about the cops who do kill Black people. See Tamir Rice for the most horrifying example, with Eric Garner a close second.

            No one is saying that LEOs aren’t justified in using deadly force to protect themselves or their communities from legitimate threats. But when you have such a clear double standard slapping you in the face every day, it’s impossible for Black communities to not feel targeted and like their lives don’t matter. A Black 12 year old with a toy gets gunned down in a park, but police are somehow able to subdue Jared Loughner without deadly force? Buy Dylan Roof a burger after he enters a Black church to murder people as a hate crime? I know we, as watchers of Internet videos, do not have all of the information, and I would never claim to–but I can sure see a pattern in who gets targeted by law enforcement, and who doesn’t. It’s not one incident. It’s the thousands of incidents.

            And of course, none of that excuses the attacks in Dallas. They are heartbreaking and horrible and the officers’ families will be in my prayers.

          4. @Dallas posters:

            I feel great sadness for what happened in Dallas. But you can feel the weight of the tragedy in Dallas, and be devastated for the families of the victims, and still believe that there is institutional racism in law enforcement. And I believe that we–as a society–have an obligation to question and examine the actions of our police force. We give them great great power and, as Uncle Ben would tell Peter Parker, with great power comes great responsibility.

            If you haven’t yet read about the facts surrounding the Alton Sterling shooting, including the claim by law enforcement that their body cams “fell off,” that they took the store owner into custody for no reason at all and confiscated his surveillance footage, and then watch the video of the shooting, you may have a better understanding of the outrage.

          5. emeralds, I agree with you, the justice system can be hugely frustrating. I work in it every day. But, the burden of proof is the same for all criminal proceedings, all grand juries, no matter who the defendant is. Sometimes, guilty people walk. At one point in time, early in my career, I thought that was horrible. Then, as I gained experience, I realized what would be worse would be convicting someone who wasn’t guilty. I also want to mention that, in our community, we’ve had very violent crimes committed by very young children. Gangs recruit very young, and use juveniles as the heavy hitters, because they don’t face the same penalties as adults. So, tragically, it isn’t unusual to find a juvenile with a very real gun. But all that aside, you do raise some good points regarding other actions. Thank you for giving me something to think about, without calling me a racist.

          6. anonattorney at 7:33pm, I agree that the Alton Sterling case facts coming out are looking very, very suspicious. Based only on the facts so far presented, I wouldn’t be surprised if that case, and the Philando Castile case, both result in a jury trial, and likely convictions. Although I predicted the Garner case would as well, and I was wrong, so I do understand the frustration with these cases. But one new fact can completely change a case, which is why I really wish people would be patient and wait for all of the facts to come out. The problem is, with the human mind, once you reach a decision about something, psychologically it is really, really hard to move from that position. We are all subject to it. Great book to read, The Righteous Mind, by Jonathan Haidt, discusses a lot of the issues with maintaining mental neutrality. I think I’ll log off and go reread it, rather than keep arguing on the internet.

          7. emeralds, I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said, about law enforcement buying Dylan Roof a burger. I don’t believe they did it because they liked him. They did it to make him comfortable, to get a confession, probably to find out if he had any help, what his motivation was, to prove it was a hate crime. Officers have to get close to some nasty, vile people to get a good statement, which helps to create a beyond a reasonable doubt case. I’ve read transcripts where officers agree a child molest victim is a ‘flirt’ to keep a child molester (monster) talking. Getting someone food is cop 101 as far as doing an interrogation, so a suspect doesn’t shut down, or lawyer up. They want suspects to feel the officer is their friend. Then they go home and take hot showers, and have nightmares. But yes, it looks bad.

          8. I, too, work in the justice system. The prosecutor controls the evidence presented at a grand jury and because of that, cops are almost never indicted. I think you are either really racist, or just ignorant. I don’t know which is worse sometimes.

    3. I’m not surprised, I commented about a current event a few years ago and a few of the commenters proudly responded that they were too busy to read the news, so I don’t know, I think a lot of the commenters aren’t exactly into staying on top of current events/relevant issues of the day.

      I mean I think I made a comment about Brexit, and it received less input than the girl who wanted to move out with telling her boyfriend.

      I’d go with reddit if you want discussion, the geopolitics and worldnews subs are decent.

      1. Fair point! Not that the discussion about the move out also wasn’t good reading. I just generally like the crowed here. You’re probably right in that I just need to branch out a bit more in my reading.

    4. It is being discussed in the prior posting/thread, but then this is one came up so it was largely ignored. Of course, for bringing it up, I was quickly attacked for not mentioning the officer involved shootings (like somehow those justify the Dallas attack?) and then accused of being a racist for supporting law enforcement. And so it goes….

          1. I looked at your original post- you didn’t just say that you were saddened by the murders, you also defended the police as an institution with the awful “few bad apples” argument. It’s possible to mourn the lives of those specific officers while still understanding that we have a problem with structural racism that is manifested in a particularly deadly manner through the police force.

          2. Because I have a serious issue with the “structural racism… through the police force’ argument as the reason for all the current problems, as it seems to paint all individual officers as racists. And they most assuredly are not. Using that argument almost seems to be a justification for the attacks in Dallas, as it lumps all officers as part of a whole. The officers in Dallas had nothing, NOTHING, to do with the shooting in Minnesota. But some psychopath thought they did. Clearly, bad officers need to be held accountable. No one wants bad officers held accountable more than good officers. Many of you probably won’t believe me, but it is true. Training for use of force needs to be improved. There are other things that need to be done, such as more community policing, etc. But society and social media needs to stop lumping all officers together. The entirety of law enforcement is not a snake with one head, for heaven’s sake.

          3. Hmmm!!! A whole group of people, painted with inaccurate and unfair broad strokes and paying the price with their lives? Sounds familiar!

          4. You obviously don’t understand what structural racism means if you think that it implies that all individual police officers are racists. The point is that the institutions of power in this country are racist, and this renders their personal beliefs largely irrelevant.

          5. Which is why the term used was ‘institutional racism’, I mourn any deaths but the fact that you can’t see the very specific phenomena of black deaths at the hands of police officers as a systematic problem is a problem.

          6. Its not an understanding issue. It’s that I believe you are wrong. Using that kind of term, “structural racism”, or “institutional racism” is a way of saying all officers are racist, without actually saying so, and also doesn’t hold bad actors accountable. It solves nothing. I also disagree that personal beliefs are “largely irrelevant”. Institutions don’t shoot people for their skin color. Structures don’t pull people over because of the way they look. Individual officers do. Here’s the cold truth: Some individual cops are racist scum. Just like some people in the general population are. And racist cops need to be called out and stomped like the cockroaches they are. Now, if you want to say racism still exists in the hearts and minds of some people in this country, you bet, I’m all on board. Bottom line, I think we all agree on this, things need to be done. Officers need to be fully trained in use of force, if you carry a gun and a badge, 6 months of a police academy at a community college clearly is not enough. Bad cops need to be fully investigated and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and to that end all officer involved shootings should be investigated and prosecuted by federal agencies, or alternatively by agencies outside the jurisdiction in which it occurred, or maybe a special state-wide task force and special prosecutor appointed for that purpose in each state. Body cams need to be worn, and on at all contacts, with consequences if they are not. Community policing, such as that used in Dallas, needs to be modeled and instituted nationwide. Concrete, practical, and doable things that will reduce the risk to our citizens of color, assist in weeding out the bad officers, and improve relationships between law enforcement and minority communities, without increasing the risk to law enforcement.

          7. Do you acknowledge that African Americans are disproportionately more likely to be shot by police? And that this is a problem?

      2. Structural racism is about the police force being created by the white male monied elite for the white male monied elite. It does not mean individual officers are racist. There is also an issue with too many military weapons and civil forfeiture laws. It is most certainly not a few bad apples or else you would see the “good” cops stopping the bad ones on all these videos.

    5. In no way is it bigotry to choose NOT to comment about a social issue on a blog focused on fashion and issues affecting working women. Re-think the words you use. They are polarizing, alienating, and unhelpful to your cause, whatever that may be.

  19. Wildkitten, your explanation for the lack of comments on this issue is not only unintelligent, but completely ridiculous.

    Even more ridiculous is your inability to respectfully respond to any opinion that you do not agree with.

      2. Another intelligent response from Wildkitten.

        Wildkitten, just because someone has an opinion different than you does not make them a troll. I hope that juvenile comment made you feel better about yourself….odds are you are a bully IRL.

        1. In general I find wildkitten very rude- she has been outright cruel to some people (myself included) but the point she made here is in no way one of those. If you can’t see that it does kind of make you seem like a troll

    2. Is it really necessary to call out a particular person on a fashion blog? If you don’t like WildKitten, or anyone else, just keep scrolling. Life is short and getting shorter and I no longer will tolerate rudeness with absolutely no upside.
      I wish I had scrolled past this comment.

  20. I think is discussion is devolving a bit and that certainly wasn’t my intention. Speaking for myself only, I was very hopeful when I got home to work today to find a fruitful discussion on Dallas and yes, some acknowledgment that there was yet another tragedy. I understand this is a fashion blog, but social issues are discussed daily. As a member of the law enforcement community, a minority, an attorney, and an overachieving chick, I thought this would be perfect space to discuss this issue. I hoped that others one here see this is a much larger problem than we thought it was even two days ago. I don’t think holding law enforcement to a rigorous standard/outrage over excessive force and mourning the tragic loss of civil servants are mutually exclusive; and today’s silence on this issue suggests that there are many others that feel otherwise.

    1. No, today’s silence does not suggest anything. If you actually wanted to start this discussion, you would not have posted on the Weekly News Update post — which very few people actually check for comments. You would have posted on one of the open threads. And your post would not have been an either/or attack on those of us mourning the loss of two more unarmed black men in our society.

      I’m sorry you did not find the conversation you were looking for. But if you want an unemotional, nondefensive response on this issue, don’t start it by saying this:

      “I am absolutely outraged by shootings that are found to be unjustified, and I cried listening to Diamond Reynolds recording yesterday. No one should have to see that. But, I will await the outcome of the investigation before reaching a judgment on the officer’s actions, as there are factual questions involving what actually occurred that led to the shooting. If the facts are what she stated, it is appalling. But, I also believe officers aren’t going out with the intention to shoot people of a certain race. Which is what happened in Dallas. Now let me turn your question around: Are you able to feel compassion for the 62 families of law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty in 2016? Or the 95 killed in 2015?”

      1. …that wasn’t me. My first comment ever on here was today, on this open thread 6:12 pm, under the same handle I am using now. I haven’t attacked anyone and I certainly wasn’t being defensive.

        1. In that case, I think your post was even more problematic. Your use of quotes was odd and an unnecessary dig at people who expressed outrage and grief the other day. Sorry. I agree that it would have been nice to have a good conversation here, but personally, I don’t think you or the other Dallas posters set it up very well.

          1. As I have said, it was not my intention to set the discussion up in an offensive way; I simply intended to mirror the exact sentiments and words used by previous posters and note the absence of those words today. And frankly, I wasn’t trying hide my disappointment. I shouldn’t have to–all week others have vented openly without being criticized for setting a discussion up improperly. The main problem–the lack of a fruitful discussion–occurred well before I was able to set up the discussion, properly or improperly. I held this group in high regard and expected an intelligent and respectful discussion. Given the rate at which the group discusses many controversial issues, I don’t think my interpretation of the silence was that misplaced.

      2. That was me, and that wasn’t how I started that post. I started looking for some support, because this attack in Dallas felt personal to me. I made a point to make it personal, and point out how frightened I was for my LEO family, because I didn’t want the attack of ‘who are these people to you?’ that the poster got yesterday, reacting to the Castile shooting. I didn’t bring up the officer involved shootings because, as tragic as those also are, I really didn’t want to get into that, as those shootings are each different, and raise very complex issues. But apparently some were offended that I dare bring up one without the other.

    2. “…I thought this would be perfect space to discuss this issue.” Really? I think of this a the perfect space to discuss wearing light wash jeans in the office.

      1. My sentiments exactly! I’ve had lots of thoughtful discussions with coworkers, friends, etc., and I think I can safely say online forums are not suited to this sort of debate.

    3. Then why didn’t you start the discussion instead of criticizing everyone else for doing the same thing you did- waiting for someone else to take the lead.

      1. Because unfortunately, I don’t have access to my cell phone or this website while I am at work. Which is why I have to catch up in the evenings and don’t have an opportunity to comment and start discussions.

  21. No, it was “set up” (to use your words) just fine. It’s just that the you and the others who have responded dismissing our concerns don’t agree with us…

    1. I’d love to partake in this discussion with you but I’m on a 16 hour car ride back from vacation. I honestly don’t even know what to say about Dallas except that I’m sad. And I’m sad about the events leading up to it too.

      As for institutional racism, I think the first step to fixing this is acknowledging that many officers, even though they think they aren’t racist, percieve situations with black people as more dangerous than situations with white people. They have to first acknowledge it before they can change it. And no one wants to admit it. Because it is racism, even if it comes from their sub conscience.

      1. Yes. In so many discussions about racism people get super defensive about the idea that they could possibly be racist, because to them racist=evil, which means that the real truth, that we are almost all a little bit racist, usually unintentionally, gets obscured, and the real problem, that the way the system is set up, and our own built in biased perceptions, will inevitably result in racist outcomes, gets buried in a mountain of outraged defensiveness of police officers. Sorry for the terrible sentence structure.

        I mean, there are tons of actual scientific studies that show our instinctive judgments tend to be a little bit racist. The only way to overcome that is to acknowledge it and try to be aware of it when we are making judgment calls, and question whether we are acting on those unconscious biases.

        1. Late but YES. Story time. A while back, I got called into a jury pool for a racially-charged crime. In response to a question from one of the defense lawyers, I described how I had become aware that I–despite all of my liberal bona fides, despite growing up in an unsegregated school system, despite having Black teammates and mentors and classmates and friends–had racial biases, when I found myself reflexively clutching my purse and getting a little nervous when a Black man approached me in the street, when a similar approach from a white man did not trigger the same instinctive response. I realized that I wasn’t okay with this and took (and continue to take) steps to address it, because it’s flat-out wrong. In my life I’ve had truly terrifying street harassment encounters, all perpetrated by white men–one including the timeless “I’m going to follow you home, rape you, and kill you,” one involving a man who tried to lure me to go home with him when I was ~10 years old. I have no reason–other than the racist biases that our society inculcates–to fear Black men in the street more than white men in the street.

          I described all of this in my response to the lawyer. No less than five (count them, five) other white people pulled me aside later to tell me to “always trust my instincts” about “those people.” Postracial society? We’ve got a way to go.

  22. It’s been three years since my best friend with the same terminal illness as I have died today. After a year where I had to actually think about end of life issues on a real, solid basis and was scared I was going to die sooner rather than later…this is the hardest year since the days after I found out she passed. Seeing how people respond to her death is a lot more wrenching when I’ve had to think about how people would respond to mine. Can’t say that in real life without completely and totally losing it or freaking people out. And my therapist is out of the country. But I needed to say it.

    1. I’m so sorry. I wish I could offer something helpful, but in the absence of that, internet hug.

    3. Oh my, what a difficult situation. Your insight and graceful response to it is astounding.

      I send you my wishes for wonderful days, day by day, ahead.

    4. Oh man, that is rough. I think culturally sometimes we have a really hard time talking about death, where we are supposed to fight to the very end, and always be positive in the face of serious illness, and it makes it hard to talk about death in a healthy or normal way. But I think it is completely normal and understandable to think about dying when you have a serious illness, or when someone close to you dies, and of course any reasonable person would be thinking about her own death when in a situation like yours. I hope you find someone you can talk to about this, even if it freaks them out at first it might make you both feel better about things afterwards. It’s like how avoiding talking about the elephant in the room doesn’t make it any smaller.

  23. I’m feeling old, tired & fat right now.

    My mother died yesterday morning after a long battle with liver disease. We’d been sitting a vigil at her bedside since Sunday, when she slipped into a coma.

    I looked in the mirror tonight and didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. I’m 44, and my dark brown hair is graying. I used to dye it, but the color didn’t stick the last few times. I’ve put on almost 25 pounds since the first of the year, having dropped more than that in the previous year. When I got my hair cut on Wednesday morning, my hairdresser remarked that I have aged 5 years in the last 2 months.

    I don’t know if the dress I planned to wear for the funeral is going to fit, thanks to the weight gain. Trying to find a dress that for sure will fit will probably be an exercise in frustration.

    1. My condolences- having a family member be terminally ill is absolutely one of the hardest things in life- taking care of someone else and losing a parent is SO SO hard, take it easy on yourself.

      Order another dress for the funeral, grieve, remember the good times with your mom and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and get yourself back to “you”. I’m sure that’s what your mother would have wanted- it will take a while, but that’s okay and normal. *hugs*

    2. KS IT, I am profoundly sorry for your loss. Your post hit home for me, I know this feeling as I have lost a loved one too. The exhaustion, emotional stress, loss, and the weight of the practicalities are crushing. Time does help eventually to ease the rawness but it never changes the loss. You will live and thrive even with this loss, and your mom will be happy you are, just as your mom thrived even after your grandparents passed away. We have moments of staring in the mirror and not recognizing ourselves at any age – it is because the you now is different than the you before because of this tremendous change in your life. Feeling crummy about how you look in these situations seems to rub salt in the wound. In your shoes, I’d order an amazon prime dress in multiple sizes. Then I’d probably drink a bottle of wine and give myself time to wallow, knowing that over the next few months and years I’d fix the hair, lose the extra weight, and slowly heal.

    3. Doubt you’re reading this, but if you are, know that you are loved. I know these words may ring hollow coming from an internet stranger, but please know they are true. Hair dye fades, weight ebbs and flows, and heaven knows clothing never fits when a person needs it to. Right now, love yourself enough to be patient and loving with yourself. You are going through a horrible loss. Let yourself grieve. At some point, you may feel like redying your hair or buying a new dress, and then you will. Maybe you won’t feel that way, and that’s fine too. But right now, there is no room for any sort of negative self-talk. Only love. <3 I'm so sorry for your loss.

    4. I completely agree with the above.

      And I am so, so sorry for your loss. My father also died of liver issues and I know well the exhaustion of sitting by a hospital bed.

      Be gentle with yourself. You will get back to you, it will just take a little time.

    5. Oh, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

      I have been there, watching my dear mother, then much younger than I am now, slip away after battling ovarian cancer. It is SUCH a difficult time. My sisters and I sat on the deck in the sun for a few days, drinking tea and wine alternately and just living in the moment. Don’t worry about your dress, or your roots, or tomorrow. Good advice to order a decent prime dress in a few sizes just to have something to put on. Honestly nobody will care what you are wearing, least of all yourself. It is the opposite experience from a wedding or joyful life event.

      It is so lovely that you could be with your mother through this time. As the years go by you will be so glad that it worked out that way – although that is not everyone’s experience. Your mother was so lucky to have you with her.

      For what it is worth coming from the void you have my deepest and true sympathy.

    6. Thank you all for your kinds words. I really needed them.

      Today, I styled my hair so that the gray was less obvious to me, and the puffiness and bags on my face have mostly faded. After we picked up my husband’s suit from getting altered, he told me that we were going shopping for something to wear that made me feel good about myself. I ended up getting a black & white sheath dress and a royal blue & black jacket for almost 90% off that looks very good.

      1. Way to go, husband! Hang in there over the next few days – you are a wonderful daughter.

  24. I posted a question here about moving to Atlanta from abroad a couple weeks back and got very useful responses (thank you all who responded!) and also did a search on the site here as recommended to find out more information. Looks like a place my husband and I could be happy in and I’d like to explore further.

    I run my own e-commerce business and need to find out now if my business is transferable to and viable in the US, and more specifically Atlanta.

    If there’s anyone here who is:

    – Familiar with the retail scene in Atlanta
    – Familiar with or run an online boutique in the US
    – Within my target demographic of professional working women 25-44 living in Atlanta interested in wellness and personal growth

    I would appreciate it if you could help answer a few questions for me to start figuring things out!

    If so, would be great if you could respond with an email I could contact you at or email me directly at movingtoatlanta at gmail dot com

    If anyone has any resources or feedback on the Atlanta entrepreneurial scene (I’m in e-commerce), that would be helpful as well. Thank you!

    1. Sorry, I can’t figure out how to delete a post! Please refer to my reposted message below. I got the email address wrong in this first post.

      Contact me at questionsonatlanta at gmail dot com

  25. I posted a question here about moving to Atlanta from abroad a couple weeks back and got very useful responses (thank you all who responded!) and also did a search on the site here as recommended to find out more information. Looks like a place my husband and I could be happy in and I’d like to explore further.

    I run my own e-commerce business and need to find out now if my business is transferable to and viable in the US, and more specifically Atlanta.

    If there’s anyone here who is:

    – Familiar with the retail scene in Atlanta
    – Familiar with or run an online boutique in the US
    – Within my target demographic of professional working women 25-44 living in Atlanta interested in wellness and personal growth

    I would appreciate it if you could help answer a few questions for me to start figuring things out!

    If so, would be great if you could respond with an email I could contact you at or email me directly at questionsonatlanta at gmail dot com

    If anyone has any resources or feedback on the Atlanta entrepreneurial scene (I’m in e-commerce), that would be helpful as well. Thank you!

  26. Anyone have BV issues? I’ve been battling it for the last 4 months and think I just found the cure. Rephresh gel! It’s otc in the lube section. Lufe changing, seriously. Wanted to let you all know in case you’re facing similar issues.

    1. Not BV, but I had some recurring years issues that would crop up right before my period that I took the capsules for. But I do suspect the yeast issues were a byproduct of a course of antibiotics I took when I did have BV. Highly recommend if you have any odd lady issues.

  27. Hey Boston ladies!

    I’m going to post this one more time because I don’t think many people saw it last time as I posted it so late at night.

    I’m a recent transplant to Boston (week one down!) and living in the Beacon hill area. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on the move!

    I’m joining some meetups and trying to get to know people at work, but I’m finding it a bit tough to meet people my own age/state of life. If any of you are free for a drink, coffee, walk, museum, run, whatever- please give me a shout! I would love to meet some of you in real life, and maybe even make some new friends:)

    About me- I’m early 30s, single, no kids, working in academic medicine.

    If you are interested please shoot me an email at bostonrette@gmail.com

    If enough of you are interested I can organize a meet-up!

  28. Someone recently recommended bed sheets that are sold at Target. Sorry, but can you tell me which ones they are again? I just bought some super cheap ones online and am regretting them, but the nicer ones are over $50, which is more than what I want to spend on them for a guest room bed.

    1. I have some Threshold ones. Those are the ones I’ve seen recommended here. They’re not luxury by any means, but I like them.

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