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Weekend Open Thread

Weekend DressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. I am not usually a fan of shirtdresses — but this one hits all the marks for me. It looks comfortable, edgy, feminine, super comfortable (Tencel!), easy to style… love it. I like it for the weekend with booties, and depending on how casual your office is you may even be able to wear it to work. It’s $178, available in sizes XS-L. Michael Stars ‘Utilitarian' Split Neck Shirtdress Here's an option for a plus-size shirtdress. (Psst: Ladies! It’s the last weekend of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale — you can see all of our picks for workwear and beyond here. What did you get that you loved? What did you send back? Tell all, in the comments…) (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

201 Comments

    2. A hike in green space (park, woods, mountains, maybe beach).
      Volunteering
      Lifting heavy weights
      Wine + pizza

        1. Depends on the person. Generally weights on a bar. Something that after you lift it a number of times you just can’t lift it again.

        2. I just started back on a program that has me squatting (75lb), doing step-ups (25lb in each hand), and doing a lateral row (85lb), with a few reps of 12, for examples. I’m adding approximately 5lb every 2 workouts. I’d count about 75+ as heavy, with the intention to increase to a lot heavier. My personal understanding of heavy lifting is to lift the heaviest weight you can a few times (2x 10-15) instead of a lower weight a lot of times. It’s not necessarily about the actual weights, but rather the concept of increasing weights based on your ability, and pushing your weights always higher.

    3. Exhausting cardio with loud music in my headphones
      Floating in a pool
      Margaritas with a select few wonderful ladies

        2. Uh? This was such a bizarre response. Whether you’re 20 or not doesn’t have an impact on how “fresh” you are. And besides, I’m sure the poster, like most adult women, knows how to keep herself clean without being reminded on the Internet.

          1. Not bizarre at all. Hubby wands BJ but won’t go down on her so she stops taking care of herself so hubby won’t ever go down on her, tho she still remembers her youth when other guys couldn’t wait to do it with her.

          2. I think it’s a lot more likely that her husband just “doesn’t like” GIVING oral, as is quite common among men. It probably has literally nothing to do with her cleanliness. You jumping to the weird conclusion that she must be unclean for her husband to not want to go down on her tells me you have internalized a lot of bs about women’s bodies. Do you also tell women whose husbands cheat on them that it’s their fault for not meeting their needs adequately? Cause it sounds like something you might also say and all of it is not true and you should stop.

          4. I will not give a guy a BJ unless he first showers with soap. By the same token I would not expect a guy to go down on me unless I did the same. To do otherwise is gross. Men who want instant gratification can &&@$ themselves, and I would not let a guy down south unless I was clean. If you get guys to eat you sweaty, fine for you but not me girl.

    4. Scream into a pillow
      Sing along to loud music
      Kickboxing/krav maga/other martial art
      Journaling
      Reading a good book

    5. Run/workout
      Ride my horse with no one else at the barn
      Read and snuggle with my animals
      Take a Xanax/Ativan
      Yoga/meditation

      Although, now that I am pretty consistently meditating and practicing yoga, I find that I don’t get stressed very often. Maybe try integrating that into your weekly routine?

    6. I go down and walk by (or if I am really too stressed and exhausted, just sit by) the ocean. The sound of the ocean has a very calming effect on me, and I always feel rejuvenated.

      1. Being near a body of water in general is really calming for me.

        I like to get absorbed in a good book.

        Honestly I usually just wind up watching tv, particularly a show I love and have seen repeatedly.

    7. Close my eyes. Then breathe in……….. and breath out…….. Repeat x 2 minutes.

    8. My most favorite way is to sit on the beach and just listen to and watch the waves. But I don’t live near the ocean so I only do this once a year on vacation.

      For more day-to-day stuff:
      running
      coloring with my kids
      wine, lots of wine
      s3x
      hiking in the mountains
      watching a show I have already seen (typically Friends)

    10. Long hot bath in a whirlpool tub with bath salts or bath bomb
      Luxurious skin care
      Relaxing in bed with a warm robe
      Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy
      Reading a great book that doesn’t require me to think too hard
      Organizing and cleaning
      Baking
      Playing with my dogs

    11. The zen of dog. With the little one in my lap and the hundred pounder sitting beside me on the sofa with her head on my shoulder, it’s hard to be tense. The only downside is that the hundred pounder is the most empathetic creature I have ever seen, and if you are truly distressed, or sick, she needs to crawl up and lay on top of you. In her loving hound dog mind, this will make you feel better.

        1. A friend came to visit for the weekend once, and trying to be a good guest, didn’t let on that she was upset. Friend is very much a cat person. The big hound dog kept trying to lay on my friend and maintained a constant physical contact of some sort with her despite being repeatedly called off. Finally I wised up and asked friend if everything was ok and she admitted that she had had a truly horrible fight with her husband but didn’t want to walk through my door and start with that, and was thus trying to hide it. The big hound dog knew. And was trying to lay on her to make her feel better. Nothing makes a cat person feel better than a hundred pounds of dog on them every time they sit down. : )

    13. Sitting by the pool, adult coloring books, art class, glass of wine, doggie/kitty time, running, yoga

      1. sleeping
        running and yoga
        reading a novel
        healthy and delicious food
        shopping
        watching tv in bed
        organizing my life, cleaning
        drinks/meals out with friends

  2. Happy almost weekend ladies! I’m brainstorming a potential destination in South American for a week in late October/early November. I like history and exploring nature, although I’m not terribly outdoorsy/rugged. Any suggestions? Big cities aren’t as appealing to me, but pictures of Buenos Aires do make it look beautiful. I’ve been almost nowhere– just cities in Colombia. TIA!

    1. Peru! If you’re a foodie, you can go to Lima, and for history you can go to Cusco. Day trips to Macchu Piccu are possible from Cusco (but make for a very long day)

      2. Loved Peru, at least Cusco and the Sacred Valley. I think the rainy season begins in November but October should be ok.

    2. Mendoza, Argentina. October/November is their planting season and early spring. Small city, beautiful vineyards, amazing food and wine!

  3. Question about “cultural appropriation”.

    I’m a South Asian and discovered the phrase “cultural appropriation” from reading this site.

    I’m not sure what it is, or why any Western person who wears non Western clothing is immediately accused of this. Where I live (Asia), people are happy to see their friends wearing clothing that is not native to their culture. Think Indians being happy to see Americans wearing saris to a wedding, Chinese being happy to see me wearing a qi pao, etc

    Why is this considered “rude” or “cultural appropriation” in the US? Personally I’m flattered when non Indians dress in Indian wear, as that’s a compliment to my culture.

    PS: I’m also surprised that Non-Western people wearing dresses or skirts (typical western attire) are not accused of cultural appropriation.

    1. Originally, “Cultural Appropriation” was only an issue when the use was offensive or making a parody of the original culture, or profiting from a historically disadvantaged culture.

      Today, it has grown to mean almost any deviation from your “native” culture. There is a lot of scholarship out there as to why this is not healthy – stifles the exchange of ideas, art, culture, etc.

      It has really gotten out of hand, to the point where I’ve been accused of CA of my OWN culture because I am “white presenting.” Nice, huh?

      1. + first two paragraphs (third doesn’t apply to me, since I’m white). I’d add Halloween costumes to the first paragraph.

        I will add that, as a white person, I’ve become so scared of being called out for CA that I avoid even things that I don’t personally feel are an issue and have been assured by member of the cultural group in question aren’t an issue, because the risks among my very “progressive” circle of being perceived as guilty of CA is simply not worth it.

        It’s also complex. Members of other cultural backgrounds have expressed to me different thoughts and feelings about whites adopting fashions attributed to their group. Often the difference is based on specifics that someone outside the culture would be unaware of (primarily: items related to religious rites rather than ‘every day’ wear), which makes it difficult to assess what is okay and what is not. As an example close to my own heritage: I’m not the least bit offended by Celtic design tattoos, kilts, or bagpipes being used by non-Celts – but cartoony red wigs at St Pat day and rosaries as necklaces do offend me.

        1. ^^Agree with this. To add – I’m Jewish, and no one seems to have a bit of a problem with CA of things like the Hamsa, Yiddish words, etc. and no one has ever been able to give me a reason as to why. If I were to wear a dreamcatcher, I know for SURE I’d be pinned to the wall for CA but people can wear a Hamsa, no problem?

          It seems like an insane double standard.

    3. I suspect this is a US thing. I live overseas too, and in the countries I’ve lived in or visited, people seem delighted if foreigners wear native/local/local festival dress. (My experience is limited to Latin America, Egypt, SEAsia, for reference. So obviously not “everywhere on earth other than the United States.”) Just out of curiosity, for our European ‘rettes, is there a debate on cultural appropriation over there too, and if so, how deep does it go? Would an Italian in lederhosen be considered offensive at Oktoberfest? What if a European wore Latin American or Asian dress to a costume party?

      1. German culture was never marginalized or oppressed the way other cultures were. Also, lederhosen don’t have any spiritual meaning, you just get drunk at Oktoberfest. Basically no CA possible. Shamefully, as this is sucha non-issue, you still see the occasional blackface actor in central europe.

        1. Not just central Europe. I’ve seen blackface in amateur shakespeare in the UK in the last few years

      2. I went to a Halloween party a few years ago wearing a cheap “Oktoberfest” dirndl outfit from a costume shop. I was REALLY surprised when two German girls at the party (who were dressed as sexy sailors) enthusiastically complimented me on my costume. They said they thought it was great that I dressed up as someone from their country.

    4. I started to type a really, really long response to this that couldn’t do your question justice. A lot of it is rooted in racist history from a dominant group that denies a minority group their right to their culture, but then takes portions of it that they like for their own gain and benefit (Think Native Americans being pushed off their lands, families torn apart, and children “reeducated” in boarding schools that taught them to forget their culture and act white, and then those cultural markers that were considered so abhorrent by the dominant group suddenly become “cool” once that group coopts some of those same things (and often in a reductive and insensitive manner) .

      The article I linked to below has some interesting points, and then I’d suggest doing some research on your own. It’s a very complex issue, and I could probably write pages and pages in response to your question.

      FWIW, I see a big difference between white people dressing for a wedding they’re attending and a white artist, say, wearing a bindi and a sari for a music video.

      http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2016/05/is-it-cultural-appropriation-ill-be-the-judge-of-that/

      1. Right, intent matters. It’s one thing to wear a sari to a wedding in celebration of the culture along with the people who are attending the wedding and another thing altogether to wear a sari and *pretend* to be Indian.

        1. +1 Yes, this. My in laws like to dress & otherwise participate in my cultural things because they like to feel exotic. It’s for their amusement, to pretend to be Indian as stated above, and I really do not appreciate it. When I’m in their presence, it feels like (and I think DH would say it is this way) they’re just using me for entertainment. That’s not partaking in a celebration or anything all that innocent. I do think it’s gotten out of hand in that people tend to assume this is what’s going on just because a white person is wearing a sari or something like that. That seems a bit excessive to me.

    5. I am no expert, but I think that there are ways to wear things from other places/cultures that can be respectful and fine, and ways that are just plain rude.

      For example, if I wear a garment that has important spiritual meaning in another culture, and I wear it to be sexy or trendy here, that could be rude or offensive. But I also think it can be totally neutral, like if I visit a place that makes beautiful textiles for clothing, and I buy some clothing made from those textiles… that’s not appropriative or problematic, I don’t think. Now if I’m dressing up as A Sexy [Person from that Place] for Halloween, well, then we’re back to not OK, I think.

      1. That’s how I think about it too. And I think there is a big difference between buying something from a chain store in the mall that copies designs from other cultures to profit off of them and buying something from artists and fashion designers who belong to that culture.

      2. An easy example of this is Native American-inspired gear. White girl wearing a Native American feather headdress to a festival because it looks cool? Cultural appropriation; if she had learned anything about the Native group in question, she would have learned about its profound cultural, spiritual, and religious significance, and would know how incredibly inappropriate it was. White girl purchasing Native-made jewelry from Native artisans, and wearing it to a festival? Great, because she’s supporting Native artisans and wearing pieces that a Native artist okayed her to wear, by selling it to her.

    6. I was very surprised to see people say wearing traditional Indian attire to an Indian wedding is cultural appropriation. That strikes me as perfectly fine. I’m white but my BFF is Indian and about half our non-Indian friends wore saris to her wedding. I think cultural appropriation is wearing a sari on Halloween to be “an Indian person.”

      1. Yes, this to me is the perfect illustration of where the line is. I’m also white with an Indian BFF and I wore a jaipur suit to her mehendi party (and had henna done). Wearing an Indian outfit and henna to me felt right and natural in that setting, as a way to honor and enjoy the culture of the celebration I was attending. But I would be offended if I saw another white person wear that exact outfit and henna for Halloween, or a celebrity doing it just for a photo shoot or music video. The intent and context matter a lot.

      2. Haven’t read all the responses above, but that’s what I always thought people meant by cultural appropriation — using someone else’s culture to make fun of the group. I’m Indian too and when I was growing up in the 80s, it was perfectly “normal” to borrow an Indian outfit to be an “indian princess” for Halloween or to wear Native American gear to be that type of “indian” for Halloween; I mean my elementary school mascot was the Indian (as in Native American) — it’s been changed since then.

        But now if I’m at an Indian event and I see non-Indians in saris or whatever — that’s great; why should I mind. I have talked to more than one non-Indian event who sees others in Indian formal wear and says — oh I should have done that, when else would I have the chance to dress up in those clothes. So obviously they’re doing it bc they want to. If they’d rather be in a dress or tux, that’s great too.

    7. I think it’s cultural appropriation when you wear something (or adopt some tradition) that is not your own in a way that isn’t respectful of the originating culture. So, drawing a red dot on your forehead and wear a midriff-bearing sari because you think it makes you look sexy and exotic – cultural appropriation. Wearing Native American headresses and carrying tomahawks to cheer on your sports team (whose name and mascot mimic Native American tradition) – cultural appropriation. Perhaps even trying to wear a sari to a wedding and getting the draping totally wrong might even be cultural appropriation – you’re basically trying to mimic a culture without taking the time to understand how to do it right. But appropriately wearing traditional clothing can be a sign of respect too; it’s just hard to get it right.

    8. I think cultural appropriation regarding Native Americans relates to a long history of colonization and forced cultural loss over hundreds of years. However, immigrants to the US and their children (and grandchildren) who have maintained ties to their home country will have a different perspective. Just like, say, and Indian-American person who grows up in a community of Indian-Americans in the USA is a different experience than a desi person whose family is the only one in their community.

      As a black person, one example is that our hair has been mocked for hundreds of years, as it is referred to as animalistic, dirty, unprofessional, ugly, unfeminine, etc., and people feel free to touch it without asking first as if we are in a petting zoo. It tangles easily, so braids are a great way to style hair and prevent tangling. However, there are people who are not black and influential in US pop culture who adopt braided styles common to black people, give them a new name, give no credit to black culture, and profit from creating a “new” trend, while black students are workers are still punished for wearing their hair in styles without straightening it first.

      1. +1, especially to your second paragraph. There are a lot of good explanations on this thread. There was a big to-do on the internet a few weeks ago because Cosmo (or similar) ran a feature on how to do a “punk braid,” which was essentially several cornrows, using a white model with blond hair. The catchphrase was something like “you’ve never seen braids like this before!” Um, what? Yes we have. So here Cosmo has taken an element from black culture, and dubbed it as its own without giving credit where it is due. It’s particularly offensive in light of the issues surrounding black peoples’ hair that A.non described.

      2. +1 to your second para too.

        I’m Indian and not the least bit upset/offended by non-Indian people wearing Indian clothes.

        But people that moved to the US a couple of decades ago are offended because they were mocked for wearing the kurtas or dupattas (tunics or scarves)

    9. generally it’s when a cultural aspect is appropriated in a way that isn’t respectful of said culture. One example that i can think of a quite few years back… It was really popular to have Krishna, other Hindu deities and Buddhist symbols mashed up on a t shirt. As a Buddhist I really hated it. Or when Madonna (the singer) used all these Hindi symbolism as part of her world tour…

      Another one that comes to mind… Caucasian people with dreads seen as cutting edge cool (whatever it is), whereas when my African American admin comes to work in dreads so get a talking-to that her hair isn’t professional, when it really is part of her culture.

      1. To me there’s something extra special wrong about appropriating religious symbols, and I say that as an atheist. In Asia there’s a ton of (mostly not very good quality) artwork of Hindu or Buddhist deities for sale and it seems really common for white tourists to buy it, presumably to display it as decoration. I really cannot imagine white American Christians being OK with people hanging bad paintings of Jesus on the cross in their living rooms as proof of their exotic travels in America, and I really do not get why people think it’s OK when it’s the other way around.

      2. Madonna was THE WORST with Jewish symbolism as well. Suddenly she says “oh I study Kabbalah” – um…no, no you don’t.

    10. How would you feel if someone dressed up as an ethnic stereotype for Halloween? That is a good example of cultural appropriation. Please don’t dress up as a Chinese person, wearing qipao, with chopsticks in your hair, holding a Chinese takeaway menu (true story at my university).

      1. My senior year when I was an undergrad history major, a young woman showed up for lecture in an “Indian Princess” costume. The professor locked her out. No idea how she made it all the way through to our capstone course!

      2. Wow. I would say that “Chinese person” costume is more than just cultural appropriation. It’s straight-up racist.

        1. Cultural appropriation *is* racist. Because an “exotic” (I hate that word) culture is accepted/acceptable only in its sanitized and profitable form.

    11. Cultural appropriation is definitely a problem, but people are really inconsistent in application of criticism. Why is it (rightfully) considered CA when a white person dresses up as a black person for Halloween, but drag shows where the dominant sex (men) pretend to be women are “hilarious”?

      1. I think about this a lot and I haven’t figured it out yet. I think there is a difference between drag as a part of gay culture, and bros in drag for laughs.

        1. I don’t see a difference. Men dressing as women, an oppressed class, is screwed up in the same offensive way as every other example mentioned here. It doesn’t matter that gay men also face hardships and are performing femininity for different reasons – plenty of people who practice CA face hardships and have different motivations. I would just love for people to criticize drag with the same fervor that they criticize other forms of CA, but women are still a punchline (and literally punching bags).

      2. I think one difference is that it’s a way for men to AC eat a feminine side of themselves, not to wear the objects if another culture as decoration. In contrast when someone goes to Coachella in a faux Native American headress they bought at Urban Outfitters, they are just trying to look “boho” and not exploring a part of own identity.

    12. Another aspect of cultural appropriation: making money off of someone else’s culture. For instance, selling imitation cultural objects from the Native American tribes who used to live in an area before they were forcibly removed, when you don’t have any cultural connection to them but just want to make a buck. Or a restaurant I went to once in Charleston SC (I think) where all the recipes were attributed to this white person’s childhood caretaker, who was black, and basically marketed for their authenticity — where every front-of-house employee was white and every back-of-house employee was black. The white people in charge said that it wasn’t cultural appropriation but instead a celebration, but it left me uneasy.

  4. Reposting from earlier:

    I’m trying to gauge interest for a meetup in Philly – I organized one a couple years ago and it was a lot of fun. Please email me at gingery87 at the google mail if you would like to be included in planning/coming to a Philly meetup sometime soon!

  5. I had to stop back home about an hour after I left this morning to pick up something I forgot. And I walked in on my husband gardening by himself!!

    I laughed so hard. And of course hugged and kissed him. No time to assist him right then, but I’ll help him finish tonight…

    1. Why would you laugh? Self-gardening is good for everyone and I’m not sure why you felt the need to shame your husband (and then share it with internet strangers).

      1. Oh, I think laughter is a great response. Given that she said she would help later, I think she was laughing with, not at, him. OP, that’s funny! And adorable that you hugged and kissed him in response. More power to you.

        1. Laughter is definitely a great response! Nothing about OP’s post suggested she was shaming him at all.

          1. +1

            And definitely tell him when you get how that it was a “nice surprise”, and that you have been looking forward to joining him all day!

            THAT will ensure he will feel good about it, and not self-conscious.

      2. Yes, it was a friendly laugh. And I had to share anonymously with Internet strangers bc I could never share with anyone IRL. He’s my lobster.

  6. Why don’t I have friends? I’m your typical nice person that people like chatting with at work etc. I have a few ppl I consider friends – we don’t hang out often bc I feel like they don’t ever initiate and I don’t want to be needy; but we hang out it’s hours of laughter and it’s as if they’re reminded why they like me. Then they go back to their husbands and kids and I go home alone and maybe we see each other again in 2-6 months if I specifically ask. It’s been this way my whole life – college; working life etc – millions of acquaintances and no friends and now in my mid 30s and single I’m lonely. Just hit me today as I moved to a new city a yr ago where I know 2 ppl. One is 40 with a busy job and 2 young kids; one is 42ish and single. We hung out 2-3 times a yr ago. And then we haven’t and one of them mentions via email today – oh I just saw the Other a few nights ago etc. Rationally I 100% realize they have a friendship that does not have to include me every time they meet up and who knows maybe it was to discuss something personal. Emotionally it’s like – you know I’m lonely and not fitting in here, couldn’t I have stopped by and had a drink w you for 20 min?

    Anyone else ever feel this? What am I doing wrong??

    1. Honestly, if you want to hang out you need to ask people to hang out and probably establish more frequent communication. People cannot read your mind. It’s not needy to say hey, want to grab dinner/drinks/have game night? That’s what friends do. Take control of it and see what happens.

      I don’t see my closest friends all that often, we are all busy, some are married, some have kids, etc., but we text pretty frequently to keep up with each other’s lives and then every so often, one of us suggests a get together and we organize it. Sometimes, the whole group can make it, sometimes not everyone can, which is also fine. Sometimes, I will initiate a hang out with one friend instead of the group and vice versa. I don’t sit around waiting for people to ask me to hang out, if I want to do something, I organize it and plan it and they do the same, it’s just not as often now that we are older and have other things going on in our lives.

      1. OP here – thanks. I get it. I’m in my mid 30s now and honestly I feel like I’m impinging on people’s time bc they are taking time away from their husband or their kids or having to make sure their husband can watch their kids or whatever to hang out with me. Since they don’t initiate so often, I (probably wrongly) presume they aren’t all that interested and will hang with me once in 6 months when I ask. But then I wonder if the perceived lack of interest is all in my head — bc we always end up having fun for hours when we get together; so it’s not like awkward silences with people wishing the night would just end.

        Just feels bad to always have to do the asking and not to have a large group to ask in the first place.

        1. I understand that it can feel bad if you are always feeling like you are asking, but I didn’t get the impression from your post that you are asking at all. Saying yes or no is on them, that’s not for you to decide for them before they even have a chance to answer. Sometimes my friends say yes and sometimes they don’t. It’s not a big deal to any of us, we all understand that people have stuff, you know?

          I really think you need to step a little outside your comfort zone and trust that if people have other things going on they will say no and that if they have fun with you they will say yes when they can or suggest other dates if they can’t. I do think that at least some, if not most, of it is your head. If everyone has a good time and they hang when you ask, I think that’s a pretty good indication that they will say yes to things if you ask a little more often than every 6 months. It’s not like you are proposing a movie on Wednesday, HH on Friday, movie on Saturday, then brunch on Sunday, you know? I wouldn’t even do all that with my bestest of friends!!

        2. No, no no no. Trust me. I don’t think I’m abnormal, and I love to get away from my husband and kids and hang out with my girlfriends, I’m just terrible at initiating because it’s a hassle. Yes, your friends have to find someone to watch the kids, so if you ask them at 5:00 to meet you for happy hour the same night, it’s probably going to be a no-go. But if you suggest it with enough time to coordinate logistics, they’ll probably be thrilled.

          1. Same! I am thinking of one of my closest friends here, who is single w no kid (I’m married w/ kid) and she texts me like, “what are the chances we can get together this weekend?” and then we do some back and forthing about when I am free, when she is free, am I bringing the baby or not (we do about 1/2 and 1/2 — sometimes kiddo comes to dim sum with us, sometimes we have gloriously grown-up only drinks), so how does that impact what we can do… it IS a hassle, but she makes it really clear that she’s willing to deal with some scheduling awkwardness to get to hang out. But also, she pretty much always initiates because she is more flexible. And it makes me feel great and never annoyed. Text your friends! They’ll be happy to hear from you!

        3. I can’t remember who says it, but some of the best advice I’ve picked up from here is that “an invitation is not a summons.” That’s been really helpful for me when I feel self-conscious about always being the person to initiate things.

    2. This is hard and I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely! I totally understand not wanting to feel needy and not wanting to initiate every time (for whatever reason). Friendships are a balance.

      Considering that you feel you only know 2 people socially in your city, I would suggest joining a club or organization with many people. Book club, community service, workout class (some are more social than others, obviously) come to mind. Not sure if it is your speed, but if you’re looking for a specific rec I found people doing Team in Training to be some of the most social and welcoming people I have ever met.

      As far as the two friends you already have, you said something above feeling like the one with kids needs to get childcare, etc. to hang out. (If you’re into it), I would express interest in doing kid-friendly things with her like going to the park or even just hanging out at her house. I don’t have kids yet, but lots of my friends that do love when I come over for a glass of wine after kiddo is in bed, so maybe you can suggest that, too.

    3. Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s and weekend’s! This weekend, Myrna and I will be going to the Hamton’s and staying with Margie. The manageing partner will NOT even be there so it will ONLEY be us ladies together ALL weekend!!!!

      As for the OP, do NOT feel bad–I am often in the same place as you, b/c most women my age are MARRIED, and I would like to have more women to hang with, and men are for the most part loosers that just want me to take my clotheing off for them and have sex. FOOEY on men who just want sex without a RELATIONSHIP. I think you and me both need men to CHERISH us, not use us just for sex. If you want, and live in NYC, we can meet sometime, as we sound SO much alike! In the mean time, hang in there and there will be a MAN for you and me! I hope so, b/c we both need DECENT men in our lives, if there are any left.

    4. As someone in a similar spot, a few ideas:

      1. invite others more often
      2. participate in a hobby that can be done in a group, and go to post-hobby drinks/meals & invite people to drinks/meals/etc.
      3. be open to making friends who are younger w/o kids, or older w/ self-sufficient kids

      Moving to a new place as a single adult over 30 is challenging, as there are fewer opportunities to meet people via people you know, and American individualism can get in the way. Parents often meet other adults through their children and spouses.

      1. +1 on participating in a hobby. Dig around on the meetup.com site for your city and find something that interests you and go join.

        Moving in your 30’s is really hard, and I would give it more than a year before you expect to have enough friends that you really have a busy social life. Participating in a hobby really helps speed up meeting new people though.

    5. If it’s true that, as you say, you’ve not had friends your whole life, only acquaintances, then I’m recommending therapy. It sounds from your post that there are bigger issues holding you back from making friends. I sense a lot of insecurity, anxiety and helplessness in your post. It may be that talking a good therapist can help you figure this out – and hopefully help you make friends in your new city!

      1. I’m not sure I agree. I think it’s unlikely that OP has never had any friends. I think it’s more likely that her definition of “friend” might be a bit more deep than other people’s. Ie. another person might consider many of her acquaintances to be “friends.”

  7. Workplace advice, please. How to stay calm when managing a frustrating employee?

    Full backstory:

    I have an employee working under me for a specific project. I am not their actual manager/supervisor, but on the project we fill the same role where I’m senior and they are junior, so I’m overseeing their work. This employee is new to my organization (but mid-career) and we’ve only been working together for about two months.

    I have not been impressed, to say the least. They are completely capable of the work, but their communication and motivation appear to be awful. For example, when they complete a task that needs to be then passed to someone else, they just hold on to it until someone specifically requests it. They have been told several times that they should alert the person it’s ready. Daily check-ins are not the norm for our organization, but that’s ultimately what I have to do. Also, they fail to follow simple directions, even when given in written/email form and reviewed in person. They “forgot” or “it wasn’t clear.” They’ve made it clear (verbally/non-verbally, not email) that they intend to continue down this path.

    I’m running out of patience and communicating with them is becoming a challenge because I get so angry. The supervisor is aware but in the meantime we do have work to get done. I’m doing what I can over email – partly for record, but partly because I can keep my cool – but I do need to do face-to-face. Aside from deep breaths, rehearsing my language, and taking my time, are there tips for managing this person without getting negative on my end.

    1. Document, Document, Document. PIA right now but it will CYA long term

      Follow up face to face meetings with email.

      “As we discussed, the next steps are 1., 2.—3., —. You’re responsible for 1 and 2 and you are going to advise X as soon as you’ve completed 2 and I am responsible to complete 3 and advise Y when it is complete. We will meet again on Date to address next steps. “

      1. I do appreciate this. I’ve been doing it in reverse (email, then face-to-face) and will switch.

        Do you have advice for not getting furious during the face-to-face? I’m really struggling with not loosing it. (Not a typical issue for me… but I am so out of patience for this person).

        1. Have the meetings early in the day, when you are fresh and in your sharpest state of mind.

          Take a brisk walk just before talking with them.

          Don’t overdose on coffee before talking to them.

          Meditate for 2 minutes with your eyes closed before talking to them.

          1. Thanks!

            This did make me realize that some of my issue may be related to them coming in ~10 am (they do not stay later to offset hours, btw), when I’m in full-force meeting mode and probably not in the best mood. Or I postpone until my relatively quiet end-of-day, when I’m probably also not at my most calm. I’ll try to find an alternative time and refresh beforehand.

        2. Keep meetings as short as possible. Don’t expect other person to be non-crazy/reasonable.

          Focus on facts/task assignment.

          Treat yourself to a coffee/text with a friend as a reward when you’re done.

    2. I could have written this a few months ago. I asked the employee to start sending me a summary every day after the daily check in. That way I could (1) shift the task of writing up a summary to the junior person (2) see right away when there was a misunderstanding. It also avoided my frustration coming into the written summaries. By the time the employee left, HR put a memo in my file saying my efforts to manage the employee had been “above and beyond.” I am sure that wouldn’t have been the verdict if I had been writing the summaries . . . .

      On the hours point, that was the same too. I told the employee that if the workload was a problem, she needed to work 40 hours two weeks in a row and then I would concern her concern, but until she worked full time, I couldn’t. That stopped that complaint.

  8. I work in finance and this week my comany announced that next month we will be moving to a new building. It won’t change anyone’s commute because it’s still in the financial district and downtown core, but the new space means that the low level officers and executives will be doubling up on offices. I was just promoted and will begin my new position around that time. I don’t mind the person I’ll likely be sharing with, but DH and I had planned to start TTC’ing next month (all of the stars have aligned, we both have good job security and all of debt and student loans have been paid off). I’m really bummed about this because I won’t have my own office if I get pregnant and I’m not sure if this will change our TTC plans until I figure out getting my own space at work.

    Just needed to vent.

    2. Why do you need your own office space to be pregnant? I’m confused. Many if not most women manage without one (in cubicle land or other arrangements).

    3. Are planning on TTC in your office? Sure it would be nice to shut your door and put your head down once or twice, but I don’t get how an officemate is any more annoying when you are pregnant that under normal circumstances.
      Even if you had an office, there’s no guarantee that someone won’t be painting in the hall followed by someone walking by that had used all three forms of scented products from bath and body.

      1. I assume she’s referring to AFTER pregnancy, when she’d like a private office for pumping.

        But this is exactly what was going through my head when reading the OP. LOL.

      2. Hahah that was my reaction too…are you planning to start TTC on your work desk!?

        OP, honestly, just $uck it up. Tons of women survive pregnancy while in a cube or sharing an office. The fact that you would consider delaying TTC until you get your own office strikes me as a sign that you need anxiety meds.

    5. Ummm, unless you’re TTCing AT work, I’m not getting why this would dramatically alter your plans? I mean, yes, it’s a lot more comfortable to have your own space if/when you get pregnant, but the majority of women in the workplace don’t have that luxury, and still manage to be pregnant at work just fine.

      I get why you might be nervous – shared space wasn’t what you were picturing – but changing your family planning over a shared office? I, personally, would not do that.

      1. It’s a lot more comfortable to have your own office space period (even when not pregnant) but it is a luxury that most don’t have. Especially people outside of law/finance. I say this as a somewhat bitter government employee :-)

        1. LOL. I went from law to government, i.e. from private office to sharing with 3 loud people. So I thumbs up the bitterness.

          1. When people around here start talking about individual offices I imagine the alternate universe me who decided to work in the private sector and has a door. A blessed, blessed door. But then I remember my life is pretty grand without the door. But still sometimes I fantasize about the door.

    6. I get it– if you’re pregnant and end up feeling sick the whole 1st trimester or the whole time, it’s nice to have the ability to close the door. But people do manage with officemates and/or cubicles and some even have kids while working retail and on their feet 40 hrs a week.

    7. I shared an office at work when I was pregnant. I felt like death the entire first trimester and it was not an issue at all. Then we moved offices and I was moved into a cube. It still wasn’t an issue. I dont understand what the problem is or why this would affect your plans to TTC? That seems really extreme.

    8. I’m on my 3rd pregnancy. First one, I had a cubicle/shared office. Second, I primarily worked in an open office at a long table with people on either side of me, no physical separators. This time I have a private office. On one or two occasions I was really glad I could just close my door and be sick or gassy in private rather than run down the hall to the bathroom… but I promise it is totally possible to go through a whole pregnancy without privacy at work. I am totally flabbergasted that this would factor into your decision on TTC timing.

    9. “I had planned to start TTC’ing next month (all of the stars have aligned, we both have good job security and all of debt and student loans have been paid off). ”

      Don’t worry, you don’t need to justify your choice to a board of internet strangers.

      As to the rest of your post- wut? This sounds like corpor3tte- specific satire. ;)

      1. I hope the OP is satirical because otherwise – GURL, check your privilege! Unless you’re actually TTC’ing at work (and that’s just wrong on so many levels), there’s thousands of other working women out there who manage to work during pregnancy without a private office.

        Seriously, put your big-girl panties on and get over yourself. I don’t think you need anxiety meds. I think you sound like a pampered special snowflake. Am I being way harsh? Yes. You need a huge reality check.

    10. I’m with everyone else why having your own office/not would really affect such a huge life decision as when to have kids. I’m in my first trimester in what is essentially an open office and yes, it sucks, but I would’ve never delayed making a baby because of it. Something in your life is never going to be “perfect” when TTC so you might as well get on with it.

    11. Ha. If I waited to have kids until my loans were paid off it would be too late to have kids (biologically, myself).

      1. So – I think you’ll be okay with your shared office. You have a lot going for you already.

  9. So I’m moving halfway across the world to be with my SO (and also because I managed to land a really cool job in the same city. Yay!)

    Does anyone have tips on how to condense your life into two suitcases and a carry-on? For various reasons (mostly cost) shipping things is out, and since I’m moving into an already furnished apartment I have no need of a full-service moving company.

    1. Plans to store items locally, to be retrieved at some point in the future. You can get your currently used items into that space, but if you truly purge everything you own to that space you’ll either lose mementos, heirlooms, etc (you’ll regret later) or lose valuable packing space (you’ll regret later).

      1. I definitely second this. If you don’t have anyone local you can leave it with, if you can get it down to a couple of boxes I’d ship them to family or someone who can store them. FedEx was cheapest when I was doing something similar 6ish years ago.

        I only moved across the US but I sold practically everything I owned. I wound up with a couple of boxes I wanted down the line but it wasn’t worth shipping them if I wasn’t going to stay in NYC (which was a possibility). I was able to store them at my parents house and shipped them a couple of years later once it was clear I’d be here for a long time.

        Scan any and all paperwork you can and back it up well. Sell or donate all your kitchen stuff unless you have some expensive thing you love that you can store until later.

        If you can time it and live in or near a college town, it can be super easy to sell of kitchen stuff to new students in big chunks at the start of a semester.

    2. First, pack the basics of a capsule wardrobe. Then, for the rest of the space, focus on packing the things you can’t find/will have a harder time replacing abroad.

    3. Also, definitely consider leaving a duffel bag or two with friends or family that will visit in the next year or so.

      Every piece of your wardrobe should be versatile (dress up, dress down, folds tiny, great for travel, yadda yadda). Think about durable materials (leather, not suede, dark colors, not white). Think about what kinds of shops they have where you are going and buy clothes there. Do not move any toiletries at all, except for a toothbrush. You can buy when you get there. If you are moving to a part of the world where your skin color is uncommon, do bring makeup from home.

      Consider mailing your heavy winter coat or heavy boots if they are bulky in luggage…they will get there by the time you get there. It’s not so pricy to mail if the alternative is buying new stuff.

      Call your airline and ask what the excess baggage fee is. I’ve moved to London and back twice, and I did not do it with two suitcases and a carry on. I did it with four suitcases and a carry on, and then I shipped some stuff through interoffice mail. You just pay excess baggage (less than $100 a bag, usually) to get your stuff there.

      Digitize your whole life–everything. No paper anything. If you have important documents (birth cert, etc.) those go in your carry on.

      Take a look on the web for Expat blogs, and contact the bloggers if you have questions.

      1. Yeah, excess baggage is usually reasonably cheap compared to actual intercontinental shipping. Worth it if you are moving your whole life.

        In general, use this as an opportunity to pare down your possessions, Kon-Mari style. Only take things you really love. Not quite the same situation, but I’ve moved to another continent three times, for a year at a time, with a capsule wardrobe. Each time I’ve been surprised how much I didn’t miss the rest of my clothes – I usually end up giving lots of them away when I get back.

        1. Another more expensive yet potentially fun option is to have a friend or family member go with you when you move and use their additional bag allowance.

      2. Major caveat on the toiletries — if you can’t read the language where you’re going, bring your own toiletries. Body wash in Asia frequently has bleaching agents in it, and if you can’t read the label you won’t know which ones don’t.

      3. +1 take an extra bag. You’ll need the extra space for medicine, and toiletries you like. You don’t want to end up with a cold and then be searching for a new cold medicine that works for you.

    4. Posting late but I hope you still see this. For moving your jewelry, get a brand of eggs that has the double enclosed case. Locally, my grocery store sells Nelly’s Eggs. It’s a plastic carton with a lid that fully encapsulates each egg and then another lid that closes on top of the whole thing. You can put a different necklace or earrings in each egg cup and it is less likely to become one giant tangled mess on your arrival.

  10. Reposting from earlier:

    Immediate TJ, sorry.

    I have 2 cats. One is around 11 and has been tagged as pre-kidney disease by the vet. The other is 4 and healthy as can be. The older one now needs to eat a special renal care diet of prescription food.

    Since he cannot jump, I know there is no problem putting other food up on a counter for the younger one. Problem is, SHE (4 y/o) likes to eat HIS food.

    I have always had them grazing throughout the day with a little wet food in the am. The wet food is manageable because I am there when they eat it so I can watch. However, the dry food is out all day.

    How do I manage this!? I really don’t want her eating his prescription food because: a) she doesn’t need it; and b) it’s super expensive.

    Any suggestions??

    1. It sucks but the answer is probably to feed them separately at set times. I have one cat with an obesity problem and my other cat is totally healthy. They eat the same food but if I left it out for them to graze on, Big Kitty would eat all the food before Little Kitty could eat any of it. I feed them in separate rooms, in the morning, in the evening, and then a little snack before bed so they don’t wake me up at 5AM meowing for food. It’s totally annoying and I hate it, but otherwise I’d have Extremely Obese Kitty and Starving Kitty, so it’s the best option.

    2. I went through this earlier this year when one of my three cats was diagnosed with diabetes. I had to switch all of them from dry food (left out all the time) to a special wet food at set meal times. I tried giving feeding the diabetic cat one food, and the other two their regular food, but then my diabetic cat wouldn’t eat his food. Eventually, I bit the bullet and just bought them all the same food. I still have to monitor it to make sure the diabetic one eats all of his food, but at least they aren’t fighting over who has the best food.

      I would recommend feeding them twice a day for a set period of time, then taking away their food once that time elapses. You can also separate the two cats during feeding time so they don’t eat each other’s food.

    3. I had one cat on prescription renal food for three years and her son was (is) healthy. The younger one shared the renal diet until his mom died a few months ago. The vet said that was fine. Now that he’s an only cat again, he’s back to regular adult cat food.

      I know that the prescription stuff is pretty expensive, but letting them share it is better than making yourself crazy trying to monitor. The dry isn’t nearly as expensive per serving as the wet and it sounds like you have the latter figured out.

    4. They make RFID feeders that are automatic feeders that will only open when the cat with the right microchip (I think you can also get little collar tags) approaches. No idea how well they work, but you might try that.

      1. I have heard Great Things about these. We’re sadly down to one cat, but we’re planning to get one if we need to, for the next round of kittens.

      2. I highly recommend these! I have the cheapest one this company sells:

        http://meowspace.biz

        The cat that needs to use it gets a collar with a magnet which opens it. That cat is pretty spacey (on Rx drugs for epilepsy) and yet he figured it out within a few days. I’ve had to put books on top to prevent the other cat from climbing in but other than that it’s amazing. We’ve had it for 2.5 years without any issues.

        They have a collar less one that uses the cat’s microchip.

    5. You could give them the dry food in the morning but separate them while you’re getting ready for work. That way, they will have some time to eat.

  11. I know Jillian Michaels’s 30-Day Shred has gotten a lot of love here in the past. When might you typically start seeing results? I’m on Day 6, so still awfully early, but really looking forward to seeing some changes, either on the scale or in my clothes. Any encouragement/wisdom would be appreciated.

    1. I hope you get results soon, but please try to manage your expectations. Whatever it is you’re trying to “change” —weight, muscle mass, whatever—took a long time to get how it is now. 6 days isn’t anything in the life of a body. Perspective. A lot of people give up on diet / exercise because things don’t change overnight; I think a big part of it is the quick-fix mentality promoted by lots of diets & fitness programs.

    2. I have started the 30-Day Shred many, many times and have never gotten past Day 21. I always find that my self-confidence improves within the first couple of days just because I am taking concrete action towards my goals. I always gain a little weight during the first week or so. The time I hit Day 21 I did see some tiny improvements in muscle definition and a couple pounds of weight loss, enough to feel confident wearing a bikini to the pool for the first time in a decade. I also felt fitter and accomplished some pull-ups (had been doing assisted pull-ups in addition to the video).

      Bottom line: Don’t expect miracles, but you can expect small but perceptible changes by the end of the program. Don’t give up!

      I am going to start again this weekend. Hopefully this will be the time I make it all the way through.

    3. I think it takes at like 4-6 weeks to see changes with any exercise program (unless you have also combined it with dieting). Unless you’re doing something extreme — which the 30 day shred is not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of it, it just didn’t radically transform my body. It’s a great home work-out.

    4. You’re probably not going to see a significant cosmetic improvement in 30 days. Where you WILL see a significant improvement is your ability to keep up with the exercises. I remember day 1 being so. very. hard. I was so sore I could barely move for days after. At the end of the program, though, I could practically do level 1 in my sleep! I felt a much greater sense of accomplishment from knowing that my body could actually DO stuff than I felt from the mirror or scale.

    5. Love 30 Day Shred. I usually start feeling more confident around day 5, and usually notice changes Bren day 6-10. But everyone is different. Make sure you’re eating right too and use the heaviest weights you can manage. If I use heavy weights and really go max for each circuit, I get great results in a month or less. Stick with it! Sometimes it takes awhile for the momentum to build up!

  12. I am thinking of putting a smart lock on the front door of our house. I am interested in the keyless aspect of it, in that dh and I are both awful about misplacing keys, as well as being able to give the house cleaner a code to get in. Currently I leave a key under the door mat for her because she does not keep her clients’ keys, and I’m not real thrilled with that. Does anyone who has one have any advice – either generally or as to specific recommendations? tia!

    1. I’m curious too. I’ve been meaning to do this and was going to buy either a Schlage or a Kwikset (what the rest of my locks are). I would imagine those two brands are pretty equal in quality, but any personal recs are appreciated!

    2. We have smart locks and love them. It is so convenient not having to carry or find keys when juggling bags and babies, and it’s nice to be able to give out the code to our house cleaner and dog walker rather than have keys floating around. Ours are just Kwikset brand, I think, push-button keypads that use a 4-digit numerical code–they don’t connect to our phones or anything–but they’re great. Replaced one battery in almost three years and we use them exclusively.

    3. We’ve got a schlage keypad lock on a backdoor and it’s great. You can pre-set multiple codes and it’s easy to operate. The battery life seems good, but we keep an eye on it. You can get it keyed the same as your other doors.
      We’ve only had one service person request a back-up key in case of keypad failure and that was our pet-sitter so a reasonable request.

      1. I have the same one and recommend it. I like that it’s still a physical lock, not related to wifi or any other technology. I replace the batteries religiously. You can hear the bolt start to move slooowly as the batteries get weak.

    4. I bought a house that had been a short-term/vacation rental so there was a Kwikset on the front door. It has two codes, so the previous owners used one for themselves and the cleaner and reset the second one for each guest. Now, I have one code that DS, occasional houseguests and I use and another that I set if the plumber or handyperson needs to come in, it’s super easy to set and re-set.

      I LOVE it, so much easier than hassling with keys (although I carry a key on my key ring in case of a battery failure), great for visitors.

    5. We have the Kevo – and we LOVE it! Works great, I can email “keys” to visitors, etc. Also works with a standard key. Good stuff.

  13. When you’re trying on a new bra, how do you know if the cup size is a little too big? Normally I try on several sizes at once and so it’s obvious, but not this time.

    2. Go get a proper bra fitting (Nordstrom or your local lingerie shop). It’s life changing.

  14. I work in a research/consulting organization and am the least senior person on a team with two men. Think senior partner, junior partner, and me as a senior associate. We are always working on multiple projects with heavy travel. Over the past couple of years, a pattern has developed where I seem to be doing most of the substantive work–writing reports, data analysis, preparing presentations–in addition to a lot of the client contact. I am frequently overloaded and don’t have time to get everything done, and when junior partner actually has to do some of the work I am accused of managing my time poorly and dumping work on him. Deadlines are set up so I am expected to accomplish substantive work while I am on the road in full-day meetings for weeks on end. I am so busy traveling and doing all of our team’s work that I don’t have time to write articles, which is an important part of my job.

    At my level, I should be directing one or two of our team’s projects at any given time, and I have directed projects in the past quite successfully. But lately, whenever I develop my own lead on potential business, I am told that I don’t have time to write a proposal or direct a project, and that my priority needs to be to get my existing work done to support the team. Meanwhile, I am contributing to proposals and writing entire proposals for projects that senior partner will direct, even though there are plenty of reasons that I should be the one directing some of these projects (specialized subject matter knowledge, relationship with client, etc.).

    To make things worse, junior partner is constantly accusing me of prioritizing my family above my job. For example, I will calendar a vacation day for an important kid event, and junior partner will purposely schedule travel for that date and then complain that I am “stressing him out” because I am so “unrealiable.” When I am traveling on one of senior partner’s projects or for necessary training, junior partner will tell me that I am just taking the trip for fun and that I shouldn’t use that as an excuse not to get work done on his projects. Meanwhile, this guy takes tons of vacation, regularly takes long lunches to work out, and comes in late whenever he feels like it. One time when I was sick and could barely speak, I was accused of being “hostile” because I had used an “aggressive tone of voice.” I constantly get snarky e-mails and comments about how I am “not available” (because I am traveling for work!).

    Basically, I feel like senior partner and junior partner are holding me back so that I won’t compete with them and will do all of their work for them. I used to love this job, and I am not keen on leaving because at this point I don’t think I will get good references (despite doing huge volumes of high-quality work) and because my field is quite specialized and a new job would require a geographic move, which I am not interested in. How can I turn things around and get these guys to stop walking all over me?

  15. I have just been diagnosed with severe adrenal fatigue (hormone tests were way out of wack for cortisol and DHEA). I work in biglaw and do a lot of cycling (sometimes races) so both of those have likely contributed (although in my mind I’d prefer to blame the stressful job!). Have any of you had experience with this, and what was your strategy? i can’t (and don’t want to) quit the job. I can cut back on strenuous exercise. I already get quite a lot of sleep. I also tested positive for gluten sensitivity and borderline hashimotos so I’m going to quit gluten for a few months to see if that helps. At least now I have an explanation for my fatigue and cranky attitude.

    1. Read “Women Code.” Was this a regular doc or a naturopathic doc? When Women Code described adrenal fatigue I couldn’t tell if it was something the regular medical community embraces or not. Since you mentioned gluten sensitivity and not celiac I’m even more curious. I’m non celiac gluten intolerant (though I do have Crohns) so I totally believe in it, I just know not all docs do.

      1. It was a naturpathic doctor (although tests through my regular doc showed the borderline hashimotos). You’re right, not all of the medical community embraces adrenal fatigue as a syndrome. Lab tests showed cortisol and DHEA way below normal.

        1. NDs are quacks. I feel like a dick saying that, but seriously. Go to the best hospital in your area. Bonus points if its a prestigious teaching hospital. Then they can really figure out what’s wrong. They will likely run a bunch of tests and poke you but they will be able to determine a real and scientifically recognized reason for your symptoms and treat accordingly.

    2. I’m confused by this… are you seeing an endocrinologist? I’m a little worried by what you describe as nothing sounds quite… right.

      Get yourself a good endocrinologist.

      If your chronic stress is crazy high, leading to ?chronic high levels of stress hormones, that are now causing down-regulation of your endogenous hormones then you need to get professional advice. And to decrease your stress.

    3. Adrenal fatigue is made up. It doesn’t exist. You do not have it, and it is offensive to people with actual kidney and adrenal disorders.

      1. Girl, you sound crazy and I’m saying that with compassion but… Even some basic googling shows that adrenal fatigue means absolutely nothing and I bet the person who “diagnosed” you has absolutely no right to be giving any kind of medical advice. See a real doctor before making any rash moves or lifestyle changes.

    4. I believe you. It took me a lot of effort at a lot of little things over months to even get back to having a quasi-normal adrenaline response at all. A 24h cortisol test via urine collection may not be enough to identify, unless your levels are all the way whacked. Cortisol is supposed to rise in the morning to help you wake, and then drop before evening. Even if you have cortisol, if you have that “tired but wired” feeling at night, your stress hormones are off. A diurnal cortisol test (salivary) will help. I found Sara Gottfried and The Hormone Cure helpful, even if some may find it quacky. Same thing for Lights Out by TS Wiley. Basically, test things out and see what makes you feel better. No one knows your body like you do, and if something makes YOU feel better, then who cares what other people think?

      Things I tried that worked:
      – Magnesium, 500mg at night, epsom salt bath after a hard day or a hard workout, majorly helpful
      – Vitamin D, 5000 IU in the morning, majorly helpful – I was clinically low though
      – Omega-3 with at least 800 DHEA in AM, somewhat helpful. I notice when I have skipped taking it after 3-4 days
      – Giving up coffee, switching in green tea. Hardest thing ever to go from 5-7 venti blackeyes to nothing, but now, when I drink it, it has an effect, but I notice there is a backlash. So I drink green/herbal tea instead, no backlash.
      – Alcohol rarely.
      – Lots more water.
      – No processed foods, organic/eco-friendly cleaning products and lotions. I’m sensitive. Maybe you’re not, but this helped me.
      – Meditation, daily.
      – Journaling, when things are tough. I feel best when I do it every day, but I rarely do.
      – Forest bathing when stressed, it’s weird, but the Japanese do it. Go find some nature. Take off your shoes and walk in the grass. Listen to birds. MP3 and computer screensaver do not count.
      – f.lux on all my devices so I get less blue light and can go to sleep faster even when I work late.
      – No intense exercise until I feel better – yes to walking, lifting, yoga, pilates (not SolidCore), and anything that feels like play. No to time trials, PR attempts, anything that makes me grit my teeth to grind and push through.
      – Saying no a lot more often
      – Hiring out all the things I still want done, but never thought I could allow someone else to do – laundry, housecleaning, making dr appts, etc.
      – Massage every other week

      Things I tried that didn’t do it for me: Ambien (nightmares), Rhodiola, Melatonin, Tryptophan, accupuncture (too much time and stressful for me to get there), 5-HTP (worked for a while then wore off), any rigid plan, Vitamin C, zinc, B vitamins.

      Good luck!

  16. I’m going to take a moment and vent about my otherwise lovely co-worker with adult millennial children. Unfortunately, we share a small office so I have to listen to all of her conversations about and with her kids. And, OMG, are they helpless kids! She is currently funding their travels to exotic locales on the far side of the world and one of them just texted her to ask what he should do about the fact that his flight is delayed! He’s literally on the opposite side of the planet and has a college degree and needs his mom’s assistance with understanding what to do when your plane has a significant delay. She also schedules his haircuts and drives him to those appointments. How? How is this person going to function on his own. How could anyone date someone who needs this much handholding? How come this mother hasn’t taught her children self-reliance? Yeesh, my parents sent me by myself all over the United States to visit colleges when I was deciding where to go. Ok, thanks for listening. Got that off my chest. Back to work.

    1. During a church committee meeting, one woman fielded a call from her son, a medical school student, who wanted to know where the stamp went on an envelope. She was a SAHM who apparently did everything for her boys!

      1. My brother texted me once about the same thing!!! As well as confirmation on how to write out a check. He’s not normally so helpless. He had just lived an all electronic life and didn’t know what to do with this paper stuff. “How do I write out the cents part again??”

        1. I have a twin brother who is phenomenally book smart but not street savvy at all. Went to Canada’s best law school and graduated top of his class but didn’t know that he had to put his apartment number as part of his address until expensive packages never arrived. When he started working at his law firm, he was sent to go consult with a client on a construction site and rolled up to him in a taxi and did a drive-by document hand off through the window. He didn’t understand why it was bad manners to not get out of the car.

          Eventually he started to figure out social cues and other common sense aspects of daily living but it took a surprisingly long time.

    2. Blame the parents for helicoptering? And the digital technology!

      I’m on the slightly older end of the millenials so I learned how to write cursive, address envelopes, address letters, etc the old school way at least up to sixth grade. My mom is pretty anti-helicpotering parenting – she liked to tell me to do something and let me figure out how to do it even if it took several tries.

      My little sister is on the younger end of millenials and she wasn’t taught any of that stuff in school. She constantly calls/texts me to ask how to do things like formally address letters, write checks, how to make appointments, how to talk to customer service, etc… I asked her once (jokingly) what would she do if she didn’t have me around for advice and she replied “fail at adulting!” :)

  17. What is a reasonable amount for requesting an increase in the salary offered for a position? (i.e., is it unreasonable to ask for 110K or 115K when 100K has been offered?)

    2. I would say that’s reasonable, provided you have some info about typical salaries in your field. If $100,000 is already more than what most people in your field make, then it might be unreasonable. If a typical range is, say, $90,000 – $120,000, then that’s very reasonable. I probably wouldn’t request more than 15-20% more as a starting point in negotiation, with the knowledge that you probably won’t get the full amount you’re requesting.

  18. I’m starting graduate school for a professional degree in six weeks. I’ll be leaving my job and moving back to the town I love with friends I adore, but I’m starting to get nervous about the transition from the working world to the academic universe. I have a lot of downtime at work right now and I’m looking for ways to occupy myself when I run out of work-related things to do. Any suggestions or advice for what I should be doing to prepare for this big life transition, especially anything I can do from my desk?

    1. Write a to-do list, a packing list? Look up phone numbers to cancel utilities/wifi/cable, find forms to forward mail, investigate buying/recycling boxes, renting uhaul. Find out how to start utilities/wifi/cable. Do you have a place to live? Browse C&B for furniture ideas, browse blogs for decorating ideas.

  19. How blunt should I be with my boss about my dissatisfaction with my salary at my upcoming review?

    I work in the energy industry, and received a paycut earlier this year. Better than getting laid off like a lot of people did, but definitely not good. I took the job at a slightly lower salary than I wanted to because I felt a little desperate about getting out of my previous not-great employment situation, and now I’m making even less than that.

    I like my job fine. It’s reasonably interesting most of the time, my coworkers are friendly, and the hours are reasonable. This is my main area of dissatisfaction, and I’m not sure how to approach the discussion about it.

    1. Don’t make it about feelings, make it about your value. Come armed with data.

      1. Yes, +1 to this. What you said above basically boils down to, “I think I’d be happier if I made more money.” While likely true, it’s not really a compelling reason for your company to give you a raise. You need to clearly highlight why it’s in the company’s best interest to pay you more.

      2. Do not complain. Be.glad. You. Have. A. Job. I am out of work and living with my boyfriend and it’s not fun being treated like a concubine. If I didn’t need a place to sleep I’d be outta here.

        1. Sorry, I think you might’ve gotten lost? Yahoo Questions is over there. This is a blog that encourages women to achieve their fullest potential, get paid what they’re worth, and not take bullshish from anyone.

          I’m assuming you’re trolling, but if not, being in a (seemingly) abusive or negative relationship for the sake of housing is awful, but nothing is worth that. You can get out of it, no matter what your boyfriend says. Take a low-paying McJob, crash with friends, even move back home if you have to. If you don’t have a job, there’s nothing keeping you in your current city, so get the heck out of there.

          1. There are tons of trolls out in this weekend’s open thread. Or people who are just so tone deaf. I’m not sure which would be worse.

    2. It’s all about tone. You just don’t want to sound entitled. FTR, you do not come off that way in your post, so I suspect you’ll do fine at that part.

      I recommend finding out where your salary falls on the scale for your position. If you are below the median, you are better situated for a raise. If you are above the median, the discussion may be more about getting you to the next pay level.

      I’d start by saying that you enjoy your job, you feel that you are doing well at it as documented by your review, and you would like to learn about the process of getting a salary increase. You can approach next step based on your supervisor’s response.

  20. Just saw your post on this morning’s thread. I suggest trying an aero press. I used a French press for years, and made OK coffee following all the rules my super snobby coffee friends gave me. I have now tried a few different beans in my aeropress and like the coffee so much more. Just make sure the beans are fine (espresso) ground and follow the instructions.

  21. I recently started using C E Ferulic from Skinceuticals. I’m pleased with the results I’ve gotten so far, but I really don’t like the sticky feeling that it leaves on my skin. Does anyone have a suggestion for a similar, non-sticky product? Thanks!

    1. I use the Skinceuticals Serum 10, which I love, but also has a sticky feeling. My solution was to use it at night instead of during the day.

  22. MM LaFleur help wanted! I am considering splurging on the Etsuko dress. I need to wear a jacket daily for court and am wondering if anyone has found one that works well with this dress. I love the look of the Cardigan but it seems too casual for court. Thoughts??

  23. Am I the only one who read More magazine (now out of business)? I liked that the models weren’t 12 and that they wore clothes that I could see myself wearing. What magazines do you still read for fashion that is appropriate for women over 40? How about decorating magazines? I still prefer a magazine over pinterest for fantasy shopping.

  24. I wear an Etsoku weekly, but I would not wear it to court as I cant picture a jacket that would work with it. Not to say none exists, but none that I am aware of or can envision.

  25. Hi Corporettes. I have been miserably anxious for my verbal diarrhea at a happy hour last Friday and I could really use your insight. (Please don’t trash me too badly- I’ve been beating myself up plenty trust me.)

    I’m a junior attorney, at my current boutique law firm for only about two months. There’s only a dozen or so attorneys in our office and there are a lot of bonding activities, birthdays, Friday happy hours and everyone participates. I’m an introvert and like to get to know people gradually (ie. I think I tend to come off a little too stuffy until I get to know people), but especially as the new kid, I get a lot of questions that feel a little prying to me and there’s just a lot of up close socializing. Anyway, I’ve attended most happy hours since starting and I feel like I’ve been doing a good job, at the work and at slowly bonding with people. But last Friday a bunch of people flaked and it ended up being senior partner, his assistant, and me for about 1.5 hours and 2 drinks at the local dive. Senior partner has a daughter going to college soon, and we got on the topic of women in college and that turned into women in the workplace and navigating that and.. that turned into sexual harassment in the workplace, and I ended up regaling them with a couple stories of being harassed and/or groped by clients or random men. I feel so exposed right now and I don’t know wtf I was thinking. It just felt like such a small intimate group, and senior partner was being so casual with his stories and the assistant was sharing her horror stories… and now I feel like I just came across like I have a huge chip on my shoulder or hate men or something. I cringe thinking back on it.

    I can’t decide whether I want to drop a casual “hey so I hope I didn’t come across too negatively last Friday” or if I should just focus on the work and being professional and not draw attention to it. I feel so over exposed and anxious and like I really stuck my foot in my mouth. I’m totally spinning.

    1. Let it go. Bringing it up will only highlight what you said. But it’s probably not as bad as you think it was.

      1. I know you’re probably right. Eek just flashing back to topics… Date rape drugs, grinder, a client slapping my ass… In my effort to be social and honest I went too far and forgot who I was talking to (work colleagues I barely know!). I wish there were something proactive I could do, but it does seem like I just need to keep my head down and be professional.

        1. (To be clear I discussed those first two topics generally, not something that happened to me personally, but still eeeeiiick)

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