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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I feel like this sweater is the perfect intersection of “slouchy” and “sexy” — very French in a way. I’d wear it with ripped jeans for a friend’s casual house party (or, hey, a sports-watching party, if you’re into that). It’s $108 at Nordstrom (where they just launched their summer clearance event!). Free People Open Knit Drape Pullover Psst: Happy Labor Day! We'll resume regular posting on Tuesday. (L-all)Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Salty
I have a band-aid on my finger from a cut. While I was in the ladies room, the toilet paper I was using got stuck and flung into the next stall at the person’s feet and I had to awkwardly reach into her stall and grab it. SO I AM READY FOR THE WEEKEND LADIES!!!
Anon
OMG that was you?!?!
I’m kidding :)
Ellen
Yes! I am also ready for the weekend! Salty, this once even happened to me, so I truly hope YOU were NOT using your band-aid finger and wiping with the toilet paper that “got stuck and flung into the next stall”! That would turn out to be a poopie special for your neighbor and not a much wanted special deal, even on Labor Day, especialy if she were wearing expensive pump’s!
Kat, if you are goeing to mention special’s for Labor Day, don’t forget about Lord & Taylor!!!!!!
With this thought in mind, I wish the ENTIRE HIVE a HAPPY and Healthy Labor day weekend! YAY!!!!!
Salty
I seriously wish I were joking. Also that I had a pair of different shoes…
Anonymous
At least you didn’t walk out with the TP stuck into your undies/tights (which happened to a friend of mine walking into a committee meeting….). It still makes her cry to this day.
all about eveee
Cry with laughter, I hope.
Alyse
The only thing worse than crap on your shoe is getting fresh vomit from your date on your pumps. The stench never goes away and it’s a vivid reminder how utterly useless most men are.
Mouse
Reposting from this morning; After years (and years) of awesome shopping and reading this site for fabulous work wear, my office is going casual. Not business casual but jeans casual! I have a closet full of fantastic dresses and skirts that will slowly but surely not get as much love and wear. And can I say how much I hate wearing jeans except in the depths of winter. Suggestions on how to transition? Still keep wearing my business casual clothes and hope I don’t come off as a stick in the mud when my managers are wearing jeans?
Anonymous
I don’t think you have to wear jeans. My office is super casual but women still wear dresses and skirts regularly. You just need to look for dresses in jersey and other fabrics that are more casual. Similarly, dresses with fuller skirts and aren’t other cuts that aren’t straight up and down skew less formal. Sheath dresses in suiting fabrics will definitely come off as too business-y. You can also wear denim in a way that isn’t jeans…denim jackets and chambray dresses and blazers, for example. And you can dress down outfits that otherwise feel a little stuffy by wearing something that isn’t appropriate in a business casual office, like sandals.
Impatient
If I were you, I’d invest in a jean jacket, a great pair of ankle booties, and a few very casual lightweight scarves. A jean jacket instantly casuals-down a dress, as can a pair of ankle booties. I’ll bet you can still mix and match and wear quite a few of your existing outfits. Pencil Skirt + chamois shirt is very stylish these days and I’d liberally use casual scarves and jean jackets to dress things down.
Also, having worked in a ‘jeans-okay’ workplace, as long as you didn’t wear full suits every day, very little would have stood out.
ChiLaw
I agree with this! I love a nice dark colored sheath dress, but I often dress them down (or edge them up?) to fit in a little better in my office by wearing them with a moto jacket and booties.
Betty
I switched jobs from a business formal environment to a full-on casual work place. I have found that my wardrobe was able to transition by buying a few things that helped make my business pieces more casual. You don’t need to buy jeans but look for pants with more casual fabrics, and then pair tops with the casual pants and flats. Wear dresses but change the jewelry and shoes to be more casual. And sandals make everything more casual. I still tend to dress more formal than many at my workplace, but I’m ok with that and would otherwise appear to be the intern. Also, I balked at jeans in the beginning, and now I love wearing jeans.
ELaw
If this were me I would take this opportunity to showcase my collection of cotton and jersey skirts and dresses, which I sometimes wear on “casual Friday” at my office.
Also agree that accessories can significantly dress-down an otherwise formal dress.
anon
I wouldn’t go out and buy a whole new work wardrobe to accommodate the changed dress code and I can’t imagine other people will either. Continue to wear what you’ve been wearing, but rotate in more casual pieces.
Bonnie
What about a denim skirt? It would make your current tops more casual.
New Anon
When I went from a job with a strict business casual dress code to a job with no dress code, I just continued to wear the same clothes for the first six months or so. People would comment, and I would say that I was wearing the clothes in my closet. I eventually started phasing in jeans and more casual attire.
shopping
Fellow jeans hater here. They are so stiff and uncomfortable, I truly don’t understand how they got the rep they’ve enjoyed for years. My son has never liked them either.
You can absolutely mix your separates into a casual wardrobe, pairing them with simpler tops or bottoms.
Once you’ve established what business clothes you definitely won’t be wearing for the next few years, remember to donate the others to a women’s shelter or one of those places that teaches women business skills.
Wendy
Total agreement about them being uncomfortable. I rarely wear them except when cycling if I’m not in shorts.
Houda
This happened to me at my previous job. The transition was very simple: I wore exactly the same things but with casual shoes and even white classic adidas sneakers. Colorful hosiery also made a statement with my all gray and black wardrobe
Wendy
I agree about the hosiery, I enjoy wearing colorful and patterned hose and in cold weather, wearing knee-high boots with skirts and dresses creates a totally different look.
Em
I went from a business casual workplace to a casual workplace and I still wear my business casual stuff on regular rotation with the casual stuff. No one really seems to notice or care. It is also really easy to rotate a pair of nice jeans in with a business casual top a couple days a week if you are concerned about it seeming like you are formally protesting the new dress code.
Marissa Russell
Hello ladies! I’m doing a survey to see what causes women to struggle with work-life the most. If you struggle with work-life balance, please comment back with your reasons that you struggle with it (choose from the reasons on the list).
Love your work so much that it’s hard to walk away from it.
Technology – 24/7 connectedness.
People pleasing/inability to say no.
Not delegating.
Working a job with unpredictable hours.
Working a job with frequent travel required.
Overworking to avoid dealing with personal problems.
Impatient
Needing to prove to my office that I’m just as committed as my workaholic big boss
Needing to prove that I am still able to work at 100% since becoming a mother
Spouse has a challenging job too- two challenging jobs makes it doubly hard
Not knowing what time you can go home (I guess it goes along with unpredictable hours)
I’m an achiever. I need to ‘achieve’ in my personal life, my work life, etc.
Constant guilt.
Impatient
wait, choose reasons from the list.
Mine are mostly different, but I’ll go with unpredictable work hours. Not being able to make plans is a b.
Anon
This. Whichever choice means “need to prove to senior leadership that I’m still a great worker since becoming a mother”. So maybe the 24/7 thing?
Marissa Russell
This is such a good point. Women often feel like they have to prove that they won’t become the stereotypical mom whose kids negatively affect her job performance. At the same time it can force you to be inauthentic, because the reality is that having kids will change the way you work/what you are willing to do on the job to a certain extent, whether that’s pretty, politically correct or not.
ComplianceGal
+1
Wildkitten
Bosses who use technology to not respect work/life boundaries (evenings, weekends).
Anon
Love your work so much that it’s hard to walk away from it.
Technology – 24/7 connectedness.
Working a job with unpredictable hours.
Overworking to avoid dealing with personal problems.
Anony
Same combination here, I’d say the worst is people pleasing/not wanting to be seen as
Anonymous4
People pleasing/inability to say no
Anonymous
Love your work so much that it’s hard to walk away from it. (I would make that love/hate right now.)
People pleasing/inability to say no. (Because anything less seems to mean you’re not a team player.)
Not delegating. (Because in my office delegating can be seen as slacking, so I take extra heat if something delegated isn’t done fast enough.)
Working a job with unpredictable hours.
Working a job with frequent travel required.
Anonymous
Inability to say no – in the sense that I am overloaded and have tried to have work delegated/reallocated but told I just have to deal
shopping
Loving my job is definitely a factor for me, but I wouldn’t say it brings work-life balance problems in itself. But when I mix it with my family and my inability to say no to my mother, and her insistence that I not bring work when I visit (and visit only during times she chooses, work schedule be damned), then it becomes very difficult. My preference, and what works most of the time, is mixing work and the rest of my life–reading work-related books during off hours, and socializing primarily with work colleagues.
all about eveee
Working a job that requires frequent travel and interaction with difficult, eccentric people.
Loving work so much it is hard to walk away.
Occasionally having to work weekends or unpredictable hours that conflict with my partner’s work hours
Not getting enough rest or having the time to take care of myself appropriately
Definitely people pleasing.
anon
THREADJACK – I NEED SOME HELP. I wasn’t sure if there would be a coffee break thread today and posted on the sales page but after what has happened at my office this morning I’ve just got to repost this now and ask for some kind of feedback. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.
So I’m at this small firm right now while looking at other opportunities, and this issue (which, along with a complete lack of flexibility, represents the other 50% of my problem) has just spiraled out of control. My paralegal is a very nice, friendly older lady who sort of the grandmother equivalent of the “boss’s son”, if you will. It has been made clear that she will never lose her job no matter how poorly she does it. Well, over the last few months she seems to be exploring just how poorly she can do it. I found out this morning that I file I asked her to open(documented by email) in July, and again at the beginning of August, that she told me she opened, she not only didn’t open, but she’s just NOT BEEN ENTERING MY TIME that I’ve been logging for that file. She’s been filing my timesheets as fully entered but not entering this file. I’m trying to figure out why I’m short hours in August given how hard I’ve been working, and this morning another paralegal asks me about time for another atty who had worked on the matter – she couldn’t find the matter in the billing system. THAT’S HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS.
So about 20 hours are missing from my August time. But for this other paralegal, I would not have known this wasn’t even being billed.
This is the third time a file has gone “missing” in three months – this is the first time it turns out one was never even created.
Since the office manager found the last file that was missing, I immediately went to her and asked for her help in locating this one, and I’ve already been preemptively told “we don’t need to hurt anyone’s feelings over a little mistake”. I’ve been calm and cool on the outside but I am boiling on the inside.
So all the filings, letters, certified receipts, etc, the paralegal has just been “keeping at her desk” because she “didn’t know what file they were supposed to go in.” She was the one who received the information about opening the file 6 and 4 weeks ago – again, in a documented email. She has never asked me a question about those documents or this file.
I’m just at a loss – is this as crazy as it seems? I almost feel like she’s being paid to sabotage me – we’re already short-staffed significantly at only about 60% of the staff we need, and so last month I was “asked” by the managing partner to not give work to any other paralegal except her since everyone else was so overworked and she wasn’t. I am at the point where I’m copying and totaling my own time, formatting and mailing my own letters, doing my own calendaring and filings, etc – basically if I’d just pay my own malpractice I’d be a sole practitioner.
I could really use some advice here.
purplesneakers
I would honestly start polishing up my resume.
This is ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think unfortunately they’ve made it clear that they value her more than they value you, and if you can’t go on like this (which is perfectly understandable) you need to find a new job.
KLR
That stinks. In addition to job searching, I would really step up my micromanaging game and assume nothing I ask for is done unless I see her doing it or see the finished product.
So when you open a new file, go speak to her about it directly, in person. Stand there while she does it if you need to. Then follow up in email so you have a written record of the request. Do all of this nicely. If you’re worried about hurt feelings, phrase it as something that is of help to you, not to her. (E.g., “Nancy, I’m so swamped at the moment but I have a new file to open and I would love your help in doing so. Let’s chat at 11 today about it. I’ll come to your desk with the files and we can get it taken care of at that time. Thank you!”) Then set up standing meetings with her every week on your cases to check in about projects you asked her to do. Be very clear with her on deadlines: “Nancy, I have a letter to be formatted and mailed today. I will send it to you at 10am. Please do X,Y, and Z and show me the final copy by 3pm so I can sign off on it.” Then follow up with her to confirm receipt and check in with her at 3pm to see the finished product. (And build in enough time here for you to fix any mistakes or redo it if needed.)
You may have tried all of this with no success, in which case, I default to job searching…good luck!
...
super annoying. and you should keep looking if it’s like this on every file…..
but i don’t think it’s “spiraling out of control.” It’s a clerical error and you’re frustrated that there’s not enough consequences for her.
To prevent issues going forward:
IDK how you “open a file” at your office, but it takes 2 people here (one for conflicts, one to set up billing number, and then there’s at least a label on a manilla folder or an electronic space opened). How are you working on this file without the conflict check coming back if it’s not an internal client?
Going forward if you need a file opened, email both people (“x, please do conflict check and “reply all” with results. Assuming no conflict, please work with old paralegal to open file.”], and set the email for a reminder to follow up with old paralegal.
I’m super confused about how you were tracking the billables/expenses without the file number. (“old paralegal, i need to do legal research/mail this–please can you give me the file number so we have accurate bill”).
Finally, [tough love]- you cannot just “lose” 20 hours and throw up your hands like, “man, i guess i took a few days off and don’t remember” or “gee, i don’t who i’m billing this time to. i hope we are cool on conflicts because i emailed old paralegal twice last month about it.”
No one cares about your career but you. Get the billing report from office manager/accounting and look through it. Don’t carry on about her incompetence, just calmly point out to billing/accounting/office manager that you want to be sure the bill is accurate and aren’t sure where the time is being billed.
One easy way to nip this in the bud is, if you’re are getting assigned this work from a partner, put ALL YOUR TIME for the unopened file on the partner’s suspense file until you have a file number to bill it to. Let partner see that there’s time not being posted to a billable file.
anon
You sound like you are in an excellent office, maybe biglaw? I’m in a regional firm and we bill by name, not by file number. This is actually the 27th documented blunder she’s made in the last 100 days that I am aware of.
One person opens a file here. She told me 6 weeks ago conflicts had come back and the file was opened. I didn’t really need the physical file (until today). And of course August hours don’t come back to attorneys until next week, which is when I guess I would have thought my billables were really low.
...
Also regional/mid-law. See candy crushing secretary.
You gotta work around this. You do not want to be known as the associate sitting around documenting a [for whatever reason] beloved employees f-ups.
...
I think having last-leg of assistant’s time (or an assistant who is on level 1500 of candy crush but not able to reliably get certified mail out unless a named partner has asked her to do it) is annoying, but not completely out of the norm for associates.
Some stuff that’s helped me over the years :
Set up a template for your letters.
Save a file with your captions/text of the certificates of service so you can just copy/paste. (or just save a template for each file with a caption and the signature line/certificate of service, so you just type the body of every pleading/motion).
I’m crazy but couldn’t stand to let someone else do my calendaring!!! This lady sounds like you donig your own calendaring is kind of a blessing.
Entering own time has been an expectation at 2 mid-law firms I’ve been at. Can you get a timekeeping number and password for billing system and do it yourself? If your firm is kicking old school and not using a billing system, can you download Toggl or kind of lead the way on researching a billing system? or just track your time in a spreadsheet and copy/paste or do a “sort” at the end of the month to total it?
Anonymous
I have a secretary who is thisclose to retirement and the attendant issues. It sounds like she is doing everything well except for opening new cases.
I wouldn’t start blaming or getting frustrated. That is going to be a battle.
Instead, I would ask her if she needs anything else from me to open the file. I would ask her if she is the one to open a file or if some else does it. If it is her responsibility, ask again if she will open the file.
Next time you need a file opened, be on top of it. You can bug her. She isnt a bad secretary, she is just bad at opening new files.
shopping
Not a lawyer. My suggestions: when you ask her to do a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g, follow up 10-15 min later by asking her if it went OK and if she needed any help with it. The second time you guide her through her job, offer cheerfully to wait while she write down whatever she’s learning to do. The third time, write notes for her as you go. After that, always ask her which step of your notes she got stuck on. Yes, it’s a PITA, but no one will blame you for not giving her a chance, but she also loses her excuse for not doing anything. Be similarly obnoxiously helpful whenever she has anything else to do–open a file, record your hours (I’d keep my own list to compare to hers), file receipts, whatever. “Here’s this receipt. Do you remember where to put it?” If you’re accused of treating her like a child, then give a blank/confused look and apologize to her for telling her how to do things she already knows how to do in a way that whoever makes you work with her can’t help but hear. Good luck!
PJ
Document what she has not done (and that she lied about saying she had done it) and advise the managing partner in writing so that it doesn’t come back as being your fault in the future and they can’t say they weren’t aware of it.
Wedding Attire
Is a blush colored dress appropriate for a NY day time wedding?
CPA Lady
Not as appropriate as bashful.
CountC
Zing!
Anonymous
Probably not, unless it’s dark enough that you’re sure it won’t look white or cream in the photos. Blush also seems to be a super popular choice for bridesmaids these days, so I’d probably avoid it for that reason. If you do wear it, I’d do a statement necklace or cardigan/wrap in a bright color.
lawsuited
And for brides!
Anonymous
Depends on what shade and what fabric, IMO. A dark blush sheath dress is probably fine, a pale blush dress in chiffon or lace is probably not.
anon
If you’re not wearing a full-length white gown, you’re fine. This obsession with not wearing anything approaching white is ridic. No one is going to think you’re trying to one up the bride if you’re wearing a pink dress.
Suburban
+1 blush is hugely popular-I don’t think it’ll read as white.
Anon
Except a lot of brides no longer wear white ballgowns.
Also, as noted above, this particular colour might make you look like part of the bridal party.
New Tampanian
Just make sure the bride isn’t also wearing blush. That’s becoming a popular color for brides as well.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t unless it’s definitely a pink (vs a cream)
Nati @ a loss
I’ve been very fortunate to get to my late 20’s and never lose someone close to me – but that’s all about to change. A family member of mine is gravely ill, the diagnosis came out of the blue, and the prognosis is really, really bad. I have no idea how to wrap my head around the fact that he’s not going to be here for my birthday this fall, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas. Not going to be able to come see me in my new city. Not going to meet my future boyfriends. I took so many oppourtunities to speak with and see him for granted, thinking that there would always be a next time. Well, now there’s not because he’s in the hospital incapacitated and it’s only going to get worse from here. There will be no “one last normal visit together” before the decline. The decline is here all of a sudden.
For those who have dealt with sudden loss, how do I wrap my head around this? Thank you.
Grief Blanket
A very dear friend of mine went into a sudden decline/organ failure/coma and died a couple weeks later this past February. He was like a second father to me. I was an anxious basket case during his illness, and cried pretty much every day for several months afterwards. I was fine for a few months, and now I find myself going through a second wave of grief, as he’s not here during several things that have happened over the summer and it just makes me realize how much I miss him and how much he meant to me. He only lived an hour away, and we meant to go visit over Christmas, but never got around to it. I really regret that.
Right after he died, I found this passage by Henry Scott Holland, who was an Anglican priest and professor. It’s a little long, but it really helped me. I don’t know if you are religious at all, but here it is:
“Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”
It helps me to think that death is not final. I’m so sorry for what you’re going though. It’s awful.
Anonymous
That’s lovely.
I’m atheist, and found that lovely.
Thank you for sharing.
MsE
My best friend mother died and the funeral is tomorrow. Reading this made me feel better. Thank you!
Anonymous
Not the OP but thank you so much for sharing. This was so beautiful.
Anon
Oh my goodness. That is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read about death. The part about saying the person’s name brought me to tears.
S
You don’t. I wish I could say you will. My dad had a terminal illness and was given different time frames but no hope of recovery. He fought it out for about three years before passing. There wasn’t a single conversation I didn’t have during that time where my mind didn’t wander to thinking how much I was going to miss his voice, how much I was going to miss his advice on what to do about the car or advice on the air conditioner filters or what have you, how he wouldn’t be around to know how things would go with my career. I wish I could say it gets better. He passed this spring. Still, when something happy happens, like getting picked to speak somewhere or getting a raise, it’s an immediate pain in knowing he would have been one of the first people I called to celebrate that success.
Weirdly, I get a lot of peace from him telling me time and again how we all have to go some time. When you look at it as part of a big cycle, fair or not, it makes it feel a little easier. And if it’s sudden, you can take some comfort in knowing his pain or even just the miserable experience of having limitations of being incapacitated will be temporary. And he has you around to care, so he is not alone.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Definitely the hardest is a future that won’t be shared.
Runner 5
My last remaining grandparent, my grandfather, is in his late 80s and has suddenly been declining this summer. I wish I knew how to cope with it but I’m here to hold your hand and let you know you’re not the only terrified person facing a horrible loss for the first time.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Sudden loss is unbearably hard no matter how you look at it. My only advice is to talk to other family members and get support when you need it – there will be rough times ahead, and it’s hard to go at it alone.
This quote really helped me (an atheist) and I just wanted to add to the collection. Even though it’s a more spouse-oriented quote (Ann Druyan to her husband Carl Sagan), it helped me when I was dealing with the loss of a very close family member this year. Sometimes it can help to truly appreciate every moment you’ve spent together.
“Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous-not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance. . . . That pure chance could be so generous and so kind. . . . That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. . . . That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful. . . . The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”
Anonymous
https://hbr.org/2016/09/gender-can-be-a-bigger-factor-than-race-in-raise-negotiations
Thought this was pretty interesting given the hive’s frequent conversations about asking for raises and logistics of asking in different situations.
Regular going anon for this
Any tips for how to raise a dialogue with my niece about privilege and diversity? She just started her junior year of college. I had a chance to read an essay that she wrote last year for one of her classes.
The essay basically said that while diversity is important and we need to push back against the heteronormative narrative, we can’t push diversity and non heteronormative families at the expense of those who aren’t (white people, straight people, nuclear families etc.) She wrote that the goal should be to include everyone and obviously people need to check and remember their privilege, but that someone who is in a nuclear family for example should not be disparaged and made to feel lesser because of it.
My niece is biracial (her mother immigrated from Mexico) and she serves on the interfaith committee and the gay-straight alliance club. I was surprised at her position when I read the essay but don’t know how to broach the subject with her.
Anonymous
Wait, what is wrong with what she wrote? I don’t see how saying “the goal should be to include everyone and obviously people need to check and remember their privilege, but that someone who is in a nuclear family for example should not be disparaged and made to feel lesser because of it” is inconsistent with supporting the gay-straight alliance, an interfaith organization or being biracial.
Regular going anon for this
Why I brought those things up is to show that she doesn’t live in a bubble and is not part completely part of the narrative she defended. Being that she is so aware I was surprised to see her being an apologist for those things.
anon
You’re way overreacting. “The goal should be to include everyone” is a perfectly fine sentiment.
anon
That’s not “being an apologist.” Being an apologist is making excuses for and defending discrimination/bigotry.
She wrote that the goal should be to include everyone and obviously people need to check and remember their privilege, but that someone who is in a nuclear family for example should not be disparaged and made to feel lesser because of it.
The second clause of this sentence is absolutely true. I can see where you could be concerned if you believed that the essay was disproportionately or hyperbolically focused on the ‘effects’ of equality and conversations about equality on heteronormative families. For example, I’d critique an essay about feminism that focused in large part on how men should check their privilege, but remember that feminists should be nice to men, men have issues too, and we should understand that it’s hard for men to adjust to equality. I could also see where you’d be concerned if you got the impression that it had an “all lives matter” sort of tone. Based on the limited sample, it’s hard to judge from here. But I still don’t think that rises to the level of “apologist.”
If the problem is what I described above, I think that takes a fairly subtle, nuanced conversation to address. It’s different than apologism- it’s a blindspot. I wouldn’t sit her down with her essay and describe why it alarmed you. I’d just keep it in mind and find an opportunity to discuss it organically with her. Ideally, she’d have a conversation with a member of a nonheteronormative family, who would do a good job of explaining to her why their arguments for equality are more important than not hurting the majority’s feelings. We’ve had that convo on this board a few weeks ago, I think.
Anonymous
agree – I’m a bit confused as well – was she saying that there should be no affirmative action so as to protect status quo groups from being offended or more that by embracing diversity we shouldn’t devalue nuclear straight families, we should focus on valuing non-nuclear/non-straight families?
Regular going anon for this
She touched on affirmative action as being a good thing but her main point was that everyone should be valued, including the traditional/majority and that sometimes the campaigns for equality and diversity ignore that.
Anonymous
It’s a totally valid point to explore both the positive and negative effects of affirmative action. You can think affirmative action is important because of the years of mistreatment of minorities in America, while also recognizing that it is not perfect. Presumably this was for some sort of college class where they are encouraged to think about both sides of an issue and examine arguments that may be controversial. Do you even know what sort of essay prompt she was responding to? In college classes I was frequently asked to play devil’s advocate or write from a position that wasn’t necessarily 100% lined up with my own views.
Even if these are her views, I don’t think it’s really your place to jump in and correct her. Her views aren’t the same as yours. It’s ok.
Anonymama
Well, I’m not entirely clear on what your problem was with what she said. Can you give a specific example? I think it’s worthwhile to point out that policies that support a diverse array of families are generally also beneficial to “traditional” families (good childcare, schools, transportation, healthcare programs). I also think there is a distinction between valuing all people, regardless of lifestyle or political beliefs, which is what it seems like she was saying, and valuing all opinions or political beliefs, which may be what you are somewhat obtusely getting at?
shopping
This is on similar issues, I think. Point is that much of what is called privilege is actually fair, just treatment to which everyone is entitled. So we don’t need to bring “privileged” people down; we need to lift everyone else up!
https://www.currentaffairs.org/2016/08/the-pathologies-of-privilege
Given the characteristics you mentioned, I’m sure she has put some thought into this. Why not just ask her to explain it to you?
anon
Mexican is not a race, FYI.
Regular going anon for this
She’s half Latino and half white. She calls herself biracial and I follow her lead on that.
Anonymous
What is it you feel you need to say?
Regular going anon for this
That she doesn’t need to be an apologist and defend straight people, white people, nuclear families etc. Those people don’t need anyone to defend them and she shouldn’t need to try to defend them to soften her point while fighting for diversity.
We’ve never discussed anything like this before. I have tried hard to be aware of my privilege as a white person who grew up in a middle class home. My niece did not have this experience and I’m not sure how to connect with her on this.
J
This is strange. First, nothing in your niece’s paper seems to say that she’s trying to “defend” certain “majority” groups. Although I’m not really sure what you mean by “defend.” It kind of seems like you’re saying that unless you’re trying to actively make those groups uncomfortable, then you’re “defending” them – kind of like a chaos theory. Some clarification would help.
Second, I personally am disturbed by the theme that I’m picking up in your posts, that it’s not okay to recognize or support straight people, white people, etc. This is not a zero-sum game. (As is evidenced by the number of people here who really try to encourage diversity and acknowledge that they are privileged.)
Based on your original post’s description of your niece’s essay, she was trying to make that point — that society can empower so many groups without disparaging “majority” groups or making them “feel lesser.” So what, you’d say that the “majority” groups need to be disparaged? That empowering “minority” groups must be “at the expense” of the “majority” groups?
You are free to your beliefs. So is your niece. And my personal belief is that your niece doesn’t need what you’re offering.
*I use quotes for “majority” and “minority” given that, when we’re talking about specific characteristics, they cut different ways across all of us. Most of us would be “minority” for some and “majority” for others. That gets lost. So that’s what my quotes are about.
shopping
Are you sure she didn’t mean those comments as a way to bracket that part, preemptively shut down the “White Lives Matter” type responses?
SD
I’m a bleeding heart liberal, Social Justice Warrior type, but I think her stance is actually increasingly necessary, and it’s in part a very reasonable reaction to a (I HATE this term but there’s truth to it)”victim culture” leftist ideology that’s doing our side no favors. I also completely get why it irks you- why are we going out of our way to pay lip service to the very people who need advocacy the least? Does she really need to make that point, instead of sticking to solely to “diversity is important”?
Without writing an essay here, I get WHY she’s incorporating it as an integral part of her viewpoint and argument, and I think you’re coming from a slightly older wave of thought (a wave I came of age in as well), hence the clash.
Just look at Trump’s candidacy and ‘men’s rights activists’ if you want to see what happens when people feel both inherently disenfranchised and attacked for supposedly being not-disenfranchised. It’s not good. This is why, I think, the new generation of advocates are adjusting their ideology and approach.
Regular going anon for this
“Just look at Trump’s candidacy and ‘men’s rights activists’ if you want to see what happens when people feel both inherently disenfranchised and attacked for supposedly being not-disenfranchised”
This was the summation of her argument and the point of her essay. I felt it was a bit extreme and that’s why I want to have a discussion with her.
January
Well, if that’s her point and the part you disagree with, can’t you bring that piece up and explain that you think her argument is stretched a little too far without necessarily “correcting” her for what you see as a “wrong” viewpoint?
SD
“Let’s have empathy for both sides, especially if we want to move the conversation forward instead of being locked a stubborn ideological struggle” is not at all extreme. By all means have a discussion, but I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned by. Sounds like a fairly balanced point, and she’s probably open to debating it respectfully.
anon
the only potential problem I see here is that she’s fallen into the trap of wanting to please everyone and being afraid to say what’s right out of fear of offending someone or being perceived as too outside the mainstream. So if you feel you need to say something, I think it would be okay for you to tell her not to be afraid to ruffle some feathers, as long as she is being intellectually honest.
Anonymous
I agree that I don’t really see anything problematic in what she said. Also I just want to point out that I spewed a TON of BS in college essays because I knew it would get me a good grade. There’s a pretty good chance that she wrote what she wrote because she thought the professor would like it, not because it’s a deep-seated belief of her own. I think you’re really overreacting.
Regular going anon for this
She’s used the essay outside of the class and is proud of it. She gave it to me to read to see what I thought of her argument.
Anonymous
She could be proud of it because she thinks it’s particularly well-written or persuasively-argued, and she probably showed it to you because she thought you’d agree and be supportive. So you don’t agree with what she said, it’s not the end of the world. You’re acting like this perfectly innocuous essay is Mein Kampf.
Anonymous
Agree.
I am very progressive and voted for Bernie, but I still think that we are in a lot of trouble if we stick to referring to all Trump supporters racist wackos. We have to learn how to talk to each other and not alienate completely. Yes, some will never be able to see the other side.
Her essay is very innocuous, and wonder if you may only alienate HER.
Annie
I think it’s great that your niece is debating these ideas in college. I’d say, let her continue. Let her grow and think for herself. Your post strikes me as basically saying “How do I best show her the errors of her ways?” To me that seems completely antithetical to how I’d want my family to be. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and is insightful.
nona
If she asked for feedback and you have a regular sort of interaction, then you have a platform to say something. If not… I wouldn’t say anything. But, if the topic comes up, I’d start with the quality of the writing. If it’s well written, start with that – “This was really well-written and I thought you laid your argument out well.”
Then branch into what you connected with “I know I’m coming from a place where when I was growing up it seemed like the minority opinion/view/stance/belief had no voice, so I’ve always thought of how important diversity is and the need to be aware of that.”
And what you didn’t “I haven’t really thought about the effect of pushing diversity onto those who might be resistant. What made you think of approaching the issue from that direction?” Ask for her opinion and thoughts – she’s learning how to formulate and have adult opinions and how to discuss them, which is something that should be encouraged. Don’t tell her she’s wrong about her opinions, but share you thoughts if they differ and why you think that way. You might both learn something.
lawsuited
Your niece is young. She sounds like she is committed to diversity in her day-to-day life. She’s thought carefully about this issue, and come to what sounds like a nuanced opinion. That’s great! Perhaps as she gains more life experiences, her opinion will change. Perhaps it won’t. It’s not necessary or even important for her to share the same opinion you have. Seeing as she’s invited you to read and comment on her paper, you should do that, but not with a view to changing her way of thinking, just with a view to engaging in thoughtful discourse with your niece.
Anne Elliott
I am a woman of colour and I agree with her. Why should the majority (whether that is white or straight or whatever) feel any lesser because of this?
Anonymous
Random but – what are your favorite kitchen towels? For drying hands, primarily, not decoration – although nice looking is of course a plus. Would welcome general and specific suggestions.
Anonymous
I bought these a year ago and they’re great. They hold up to multiple washings, and I basically use them to replace paper towels as a more environmentally friendly practice.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00C7WLG8O/
Digby
I have these from Williams-Sonoma and love them: http://tinyurl.com/jm9r25n. Also, 20% off with free shipping this weekend… Soft, absorbent, come in a few colors.
Book recommendations?
Was just broken up with last night, after a long relationship that had its troubles but that I thought was on the upswing.
I’m dreading the upcoming long weekend. I’m hoping someone can recommend a really good, super engrossing book to focus on this weekend instead of the breakup.
In case it helps, books that have fit this category for me recently have been The Glass Castle, North and South, Alias Grace, and Lonesome Dove (which are all over the place, I know).
Thanks. :(
Anon
True Grit. Great read.
And I’m very sorry. : (
anon
I’d really consider getting out of the house, if only for a little while. There should be lots of street fairs, live music, etc. to visit this weekend that are perfectly fun things to do by yourself if you can’t snatch up a few friends to go with you.
Wanderlust
Have you read Station Eleven? I like the “every wo(man) for him/herself” aspect of it.
pugsnbourbon
LOVED Station Eleven. I read it too quickly the first time; I’m going to re-read it and savor it.
Senior Attorney
I was gonna say Station Eleven, to!
And I’m sorry about the breakup!
Runner 5
I just reread it this week. Survival is insufficient.
Anon
Ditto to Station Eleven.
anon
Outlander series. There are 8 and they’re insanely long. Excellent for avoiding feeling feelings. They’re incidentally, also fun!
...
My old fave is “A woman of substance” (very 1980’s/early 90’s- i read it when i was in middle school because a camp counselor was reading it!).
But I read these and have enjoyed:
the Nest
the Smart One
The light between Oceans
and Bittersweet by Shauna Niequest is a great one for seasons of change.
Meg Murry
I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t think of a specific book rec at the moment, but have you ever watched the Lonesome Dove mini-series? It’s 6 hours long, and just as engrossing as the book, even if you have read it before. Might be a good time-sink. Google tells me you can stream it from Starz, or you could probably get the DVD from a public library.
Anon
But the water moccasins! Nightmares forever!
Just kidding. I love Lonesome Dove. And I live in the town in Montana that was their destination.
Anon
And I just remembered that last time I was going through a devastating break-up, I spent a whole day inside watching the entire 6 hours of Lonesome Dove and drinking bourbon. So I would second the recommendation.
Gail the Goldfish
Third the miniseries. So good. I’m not a huge Western fan, but that I like (that, and The Man from Snowy River, which I guess counts as a Western.)
RR
Anything by Kate Morton. My favorite is The Secret Keeper.
So sorry to hear about your breakup.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. The Glass Castle was the last book I read and I loved it too. Did you know it’s going to be a movie next year?
Other good things I’ve read and really liked this year – Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld (a modern retelling of Pride & Prejudice), Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara (that one’s a tear-jerker though).
Also I second the Lonesome Dove mini-series. Westerns aren’t my thing but I’ve seen it because my father is obsessed with it and it’s incredibly well made.
housecounsel
Eligible was amazing!
Runner 5
I loved Eligible!
Eager Beaver
Me too!
rosie
Check out the other book(s?) by the author of Glass Castle, I remember finding them similarly engrossing.
pugsnbourbon
If you like memoirs like Glass Castle, maybe try Alexandra Fuller’s Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight and Cocktail Hour Under the Tree of Forgetfulness.
NYNY
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Books I have recently and not-so-recently been lost in:
– A Brief History of Seven Killings by Marlon James
– Blood, Bones, and Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton
– The Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing by Mira Jacob
– Let The Great World Spin by Colum McCann
– John Henry Days by Colson Whitehead
I haven’t read the Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead yet, but I definitely will.
Anonymous
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society
Anonymous
Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. It’s basically like a cozy quilt of a book. I loved Eligible as well, but it may be a little too romantic for your current mood. Also loved: The Thirteenth Tale and The Goldfinch (and it’s super long!).
Hugs!
Anonymous
Totally different, but if you feel like trying a (funny, engrossing) contemporary romance I’d go for Nuts by Alice Clayton, followed shortly there after by it’s sequel Cream of the Crop.
Of save those for later, once the pang of the breakup has died down, if they don’t sound appetizing at all.
NOLA
I’m reading Eligible by Curtis Sittenfield. I really like it. It is romantic, but also cynical and funny.
housecounsel
After I read that, I downloaded all of Curtis Sittenfield’s books (and an amazing Kindle short story) and have plowed through all but one. Eligible is a great read and might be especially good for this situation.
Anonymous
It is super old but Forever Amber. The book is addicting and has its own wikipedia page because it was one of the most banned books post-WW2 when it came out. It reminded me of A Woman of Substance only set a few centuries earlier.
Book recommendations?
Thank you so much for all of these amazing recommendations. I have plenty to keep me occupied for a long time to come. I’m getting out of the house too, made some plans with friends, but the hours can seem so long on the weekend sometimes when you live by yourself. So, I wanted to be prepared. Thanks again, so much, to everyone. Your thoughtful recommendations are much appreciated.
Anon
Late but for comforting reads I suggest food memoirs-Laurie Colwin and Ruth Riechl – or children’s books – Little House on the Prairie or Ramona Quimby or Peter Pan
Marissa Russell
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin is one of my favorite feel-good books. As the title hints, the premise of the book is a woman creates a year-long project to maximize her happiness. It’s non-fiction but still captivating.
Kiki
A man called Ove
Where’d you go Bernadette
Beautiful ruins
Orphan train
Anonymous
Love Beautiful Ruins! And I think it could be a good read in this situation.
That Friend
Georgette Heyer.
Eliza
The All Souls Trilogy. I read it after seeing it recommended here and loved it. A completely engrossing escapist fantasy that’s well-written.
Eager Beaver
I can’t recommend this book enough: https://www.amazon.com/Spy-Who-Loved-Christine-Granville/dp/1250049768. Don’t let the name fool you. It’s not a romance.
Baconpancakes
Hope your weekend was/is ok. Definitely if you get a chance today, go hang out with your friends! Being at a big 4th of July festivity right after my last breakup helped a lot.
Need a new wallet
Looking for a nice leather wallet and have to order online as I have no good shopping options nearby. Three questions:
1. What are some features I should think about, or what do you love/hate about yours? (Example: accordion-style card slots vs. flat, whether or not the top flap has a fastener, etc.)
2. Brand recs? Prefer small/indie labels over Kate Spade, Tory Burch, etc.
3. Anyone familiar with the Australian label Elk Accessories?
Anon
Cuyana
Laura B
I have a Kenneth Cole leather one that I got from TJ Maxx years ago, but I love it. It’s a trifold and I really love that style – I don’t think I’ll ever have a wallet that’s not a trifold again. Here’s a link to the closest thing I can find to mine: http://www.ebags.com/product/derek-alexander/trifold-credit-card-clutch/225123?productid=10162486&CAWELAID=1049209289&sourceid=MSNKPRODHB&couponid=94790994&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Shopping%20-%20Ladies%20Wallets%20-%20Adaptive&adcampaignid=31611688&adgroup=Ladies%20Wallets&adgroupid=2969921198&addisttype=Search
Laura B
Also, Modalu wallets are beautiful. I love my Modalu Pippa handbag so I went to look there just now and they’re worth looking at. Bonus points for not being super ubiquitous.
Kathleen
Try the Lauren by Hobo:
http://www.hobobags.com/categories/view-all-wallets-clutches/lauren-wallet-clutch
They are on sale today for 20% off. Super organized, beautiful leather, very functional. This one is two coin purse clutch sleeves (big enough to hold an iPhone 6Plus) and a zip pocket that is the length of the entire wallet. I will never buy another wallet style ever.
ANP
I have a Lauren wallet from Hobo (not indie, but this wallet is amaaaazing). Comes in tons of colors and doubles as a clutch. Bonus that my smartphone fits inside. Highly, highly recommend.
Hollis
I love my Sadie wallet, made by Hobo. It also doubles as a clutch, is very sleek (no logos) and has the perfect number of slots for credit cards, cash, receipts, etc. The leather ages beautifully and I’ve had mine for years and have gifted them to my best girlfriends. The beautiful pattern on the inside fabric makes me happy too.
Walnut
+1 for the Sadie wallet by Hobo. My handbags have come and gone, but my Sadie will be loved forever.
Parfait
I have a Sadie too and love it. Hobo has really nice leather. If you pick any of their offerings I am sure you’ll be pleased with the quality.
Shipping stuff to Canada
Is there any way of shipping suitcases that contain personal items i.e. clothes to Canada? I have used Greyhound’s package service to ship suitcases within the U.S. before but they don’t ship outside the U.S. And yes, I have considered the US Postal Service but that would not work well for the items I have. If someone knows of an alternative please let me know. Thank you!
RR
FedEx, UPS, DHL. I’ve shipped things to/from Canada many times.
cananon
Where to in Canada? If it’s near a border, most towns on the US side will be full of mailbox type places that can receive packages for you, for a small fee. If you are shipping to yourself or family member, and they can go pick it up, it might be a lot easier. Although, obviously requires a border crossing.
cbackson
I’ve used Luggage Forward to ship bags – not internationally, but I know that they do it. I’ve had good experiences.
Laura B
Ideas for surviving having a car without a stereo for a couple months? I drive a lot and listen to music and talk radio all the time, and my stereo just died. Won’t turn on at all. When this happened a couple years ago, I got the stereo replaced which is the obvious answer. The catch is that this car has it’s days numbered…it’s a VW Jetta that’s part of the buyback, so sometime this fall I’ll be in a new car anyway. I don’t want to drop a bunch of $$ on a stereo that’s going to be not needed in a couple months. We were hoping to get one last road trip (15 hours each way) at the end of the month, and no stereo is going to make that challenging.
Any clever solutions? I can download a bunch spotify playlists + podcasts, although I’m going to run into storage problems on my phone. I feel like earbuds aren’t safe to drive with? Is a portable speaker the answer? I feel like that probably is, but it just seems so cumbersome.
Anonymous
I just use my phone, no speakers or earbuds.
Anonymous
I would use my phone. You can expand the storage so long as you have a mini sdcard slot. Otherwise, just delete the items after you are done listening to them. The portable speaker/radio idea could work too. I used one when my car radio wouldn’t work for a while. You improvise when you can.
nona
Do you have cupholders? I usually stick my phone in the cupholder and it’s helps to magnify the audio. Whether it’s louder enough for your interior is another question – but I’d give it a try before investing in a separate speaker.
Veronica Mars
Seconded. That’s what I do too.
commuter
You just changed my life. Tots going to try this on the way home.
Jules
Try your phone with one of the little portable/rechargeable speakers – someone asked for recs earlier this week. I recommended one by Basse, $16.99 on Amazon with prime free shipping. I’ll put the link in a reply. I think the sound is great for the size, and you can do line-in or blue tooth. (It’s crappy as a radio, though; I couldn’t get it to tune in the local NPR station I wanted.)
Jules
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A5QETX2/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
rosie
Can you just buy a portable radio to listen to in the car? That way you have radio, but you’re not putting more $$ into the car b/c you can use it around the house, sitting outside, etc. after you part with the car.
Anony
You’re right about earbuds. It’s illegal to drive with them in many states for that reason.
I also just put my phone on speaker, particularly in the cupholder or using a clip holder on my vents.
shopping
My phone isn’t loud enough to use just its speakers. Portable speakers are not expensive these days.
shopping
Hit “post” too soon. There are waterproof portable speakers that you could use in the shower once you no longer need it in the car. If that doesn’t appeal to you, think of where else you might want one and make sure you get the features you’ll need for that use.
Anonymous
Apparently I’m the queen of portable speakers. I got this one as a shower radio because it actually works great as a radio, but it also has good bluetooth connectivity.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00YB5RDWI/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Jules
This was me.
Biglaw to government?
Has anyone gone from biglaw to government? How did you manage the transition?
I don’t want to say what firm I worked at and where in the government is work now because I don’t want to out myself, but I recently made the change and feel like I’m struggling.
My new job has set hours. Monday to Friday, close to business hours. No exceptions, no overtime, no weekends, no holidays. I don’t have access to my voice mail or work email when I’m not at work and there is no working from home. There’s no flexible time for appointments (come in late and leave late) so I can only do that stuff on my days off now. When I’m at work I’m expected to be at my desk working and there are no billable hours. I have vacation time that I am encouraged and forced to use.
It’s completely different than biglaw and what I am used to. Out of law school I’ve only worked biglaw at one firm. I made the switch because I was tired of the pressure, long days and no time off but I feel now like I went too far. I took a pay cut but I still have more than enough to afford everything I need with money left over and I also liked the benefits that come with having a permanent government job.
It’s also different here because there is no pressure and nothing is ever a rush, so many of my colleagues and people in other departments don’t actually do any work and they do not get fired. It takes forever to get things done because it has to be approved by so many people. I can’t make decisions on my own because of this. Also we have to pay for things like our own coffee because if government rules, nothing is free.
My area of practice is very niche and there isn’t another government option, I would have to go back to a firm if I left. I know everything has an adjustment period but I never thought I would hate it this much. Has anyone else gone from non government to government? How long did it take you to adjust? Thanks in advance!
PBD
I haven’t made this transition personally but have a close friend who did recently (very well-respected smaller firm to gov’t) and he had similar complaints as you do. It took him about 9-12 months to really settle in and adjust, so I would give it time! He now enjoys his job quite a bit.
Government attorney
I have never worked in big law but I have worked in multiple government offices as an attorney.
Flexibilty in work hours is really up to your direct supervisor. I have found the best way to be able to start this up is to 1) prove your work ethic and 2) come to the supervisor with a specific request.
For example: I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I was hoping to work an extra four hours this week so I can go to that appointment without taking off. Can I email you when I do those extra hours as so you have record of my time worked?
I have found that all of my supervisors at different offices have been completly supportive of this as long as I wasn’t missing court or some other important event when I planed to be out of the office.
The issue here is supervisors don’t want to appear to be showing favoritism which is why these kinds of arrangements tend to be hush hush. I have found that the employes who are known for having a poor work ethic are not given this same leeway.
I realize you are salaried and not an hourly employee but when working for the government it’s about putting in the 40 (or whatever your office requires) hours per week during the hours they are open. But also as is true in government work many superiors live by “CYA” which is why the email “clock in/clock out” comes into play. They can prove you did your total amount of hours if questioned.
Hopefully you can strike the right cord with your supervisor. It will never be completely flexible but you can make it work.
Trish
You have vacation time that you are forced to use. You can take sick time for doctor’s appointments and annual leave for other kinds of appointments, like waiting for the kitchen contractor.
shopping
Can you start a coffee kitty for everyone to contribute to, or to informally pay for a cup of coffee in a communal break room, and other similar patches?
Personally, I like to work on as few things as possible at a time. It sounds like you need to do the opposite. When there are little mindless things to be done on any of them, jot them down so you have a list of what to do next time you’re sitting on your hands waiting for something. I’d probably need a lot more lists and flowcharts to help me remember where I was in each of the projects I was involved in simultaneously, so that when something came back to me, I could look up exactly what I needed to do and jump into it.
Used car
If a dealer refused to budge AT ALL on the price of a used car, would you leave? The car is priced competitively to begin with, but it’s been sitting on the lot for 70 days, it’s an older model, and the dealer won’t knock anything off. It’s also certified pre-owned. I can’t tell if this is where I walk or not.
Bonnie
I always walk away. They’ve always called back with a lower price, sometimes within minutes.
Wendy
Definitely walk the moments they say “No”.
Anon
Definitely walk away. Everything is negotiable
Anonymous
Sure, you can walk.
But 70 days isn’t that long. If you know it is competitively priced…. what are you hoping they will cut? Are you being reasonable?
Sometimes my time is more valuable…
Nina
This. Last time we bought certified pre owned we did the song and dance about price. I think we saved $500 on a $30k purchase.. It took two days over separate weekends.
Carrots
Sometimes too that’s just how the dealer is set up that they don’t haggle. The used dealership my family used to go to was like that, but they were incredibly friendly otherwise.
Kiki
Recommendation for perfect cream blouse? Nothing now cut, want it to be fairly loose and perhaps longer to wear untucked? Any and all recommendation if you have a cream blouse you love….
Liz
I’d like to visit a Caribbean Island, but it is overwhelming to pick one. Anybody thoughts on a place to visit? I am in a rural area, so I have to fly out of Salt Lake City. That makes it hard because a simple flight to others is an all day flight to me. Thanks!
Marissa Russell
You can never go wrong with the Bahamas.
Gail the Goldfish
Depends on what you want. Fancy all-inclusive resort? Undeveloped beaches with no one else on them? What activities do you want to do?
Anonymous
From SLC you can fly nonstop to Cancun on Delta. It’s not an island but it is Caribbean. It’s beautiful and has a lot of diversity in terms of accommodations and activities.
Anonymous
Eithera is great, Rum Key is nice but a bit small
Liz
Thank you for the ideas! I’m used to going to Europe, walking and visiting historical places, time spent visiting cafes and just relaxing with a book. Not sure what I would do in the Caribbean. I realize it’s different and that’s why I’m open to any ideas.
Anonymous
Loved Turks and Caicos, not so crazy about Aruba. Puerto Rico was nice, too, but T&C was my favorite. Also loved Playa del Carmen.
shopping
A cruise? Then if you decide to go back to the Caribbean, you’ll have a good idea of where you’d like to spend more time.
Claire
Ladies, can this BR dress work for an October farm wedding? If so, how would you style it??
http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=306266012&cvosrc=ppc.google.&cvo_campaign=648352774&cvo_adgroup=10641510356&cvo_crid=51434881196&Matchtype=&campaigntype=PLA&tid=brpl000001&kwid=1&ap=7&sem=true&mkwid=BzGQ1etK_dc&creative=51434881196&adpos=1o1&gclid=Cj0KEQjw6am-BRCTk4WZhLfd4-oBEiQA3ydA3o9N6M_Y9lf2Yw_D9_HhYMdYS37VLmWWiupTHoqnfvEaAt7P8P8HAQ
Bonnie
That seems more office than farm.
Anonymous
Maybe a denim jacket and a scarf? Wouldn’t be my first choice if looking for a farm wedding, but if you have it and want to make it work, then I think go with it.
Anonymous
Any suggestions about how to start swimming as my primary exercise? I’ve been plagued with injuries and a sore back so my usual running has been off the table. I feel myself falling out of shape and swimming seems like a natural fit. I know how to swim but have never done so as pure exercise.
shopping
Sounds like you haven’t been on a swim team, so aren’t familiar with how swim work outs are written. There are many sources, printed and on-line, that you could go to. Here is one that I find convenient, even though I have to cut them down to be shorter https://www.kiefer.com/blog/ You might also want to look for a Master’s swim team in your area. Even if you don’t want to stick with it forever, try to stick out a couple months, so you get the feel of how workouts go.
Anonymous
Correct – I’ve never been on a swim team and honestly, I didn’t even go to a school that had a swim team growing up. This is really good advice. Thank you for suggestions
Anonymous
Find a pool with lap swim sessons. Start slow. Get waterproof headphones/mp3 player. Then…swim?
Anonymous
I never heard of lap swim lessons, only just how to swim lessons. This is also a great suggestion. I’m going to look around for some. Thanks!
cbackson
I think the poster meant “sessions” not “lessons.” I wish there were lap swim lessons, because I’m interested in this as well but have no sense of the etiquette or whatever, but I’ve never found one.
Anonymous
I did mean sessions :) – specific time set aside for only lap swimming (so they set up the lane lines)
Shopping
Too bad–“lap lessons” could be good. So many people just slog back and forth endlessly. That kind of cardio is least efficient. You can use different length swims to challenge yourself (ie, a set of sprints is HIIT, a long swim does help cardio-vascular, medium length builds other kinds of strength) and different strokes (Breast is good for pecs and thighs, butterfly is good for back, dolphin and flutter kicks are good for tummy flattening). So much more than I can write here, and far better to learn it by doing it.
Me too
I am also trying to start swimming for exercise. Had lessons as a kid but was never a strong swimmer. What I know so far: most pools have times when lap swimming is available, and/or they have a lap lane or two set aside during open swim. If you go at a busy time, you will have to share a lane and there is some etiquette to doing this (basically keep to your side and let the faster swimmer pass). I hate sharing lanes as I am a really bad swimmer And hate feeling like I am annoying my lane partner. Anyway, some workout ideas: spend some time just kicking lengths of the pool with a kick board. You can use a pull buoy (piece of foam that goes between your legs) if you want to work just your upper body. Maybe take a lesson or two if you want some pointers and a routine designed just for you. Happy swimming.
Anonymous
+1 to a masters team if there’s one nearby, but if you’re not a strong swimmer, you may feel out of your depth (har har) at first. Honestly, I’d start off just swimming laps on your own for a month or two to build up a little endurance before that. When I’m swimming alone, I like to make number patterns with my laps and switch between freestyle and backstroke (works different muscles and breaks up the workout) and use breaststroke as my “rest.” I also have fins and hand paddles that I drill with occasionally. There’s no wrong way to use swimming as exercise! If you are not confident in your technique, a lesson or two (or a swim date with a friend who is a good swimmer and can offer tips on your strokes) could be really helpful, but if you don’t care how fast or efficiently you’re moving, it doesn’t matter. As for swim etiquette: Try to pick a lane with people close to your speed, and get their attention before you jump in. If you’re only sharing with one other person, she’d probably rather split the lane so each of you swims on one side than swim in circles and worry about passing, but it’s always best to chat for 5 seconds to work that out.
Lalalalola
Masters teams in my area (NYC metro) divide swimmers by ability, and there are almost always a few people who just learned to swim, so please do not be intimidated. It’s social and SO much less boring than lonely laps. The USMS web site has a good swim workout search engine for pools near you.
Another thought is to take a couple of lessons (call them personal training sessions if you like) with the Masters coach or another trainer at your pool. He or she can show you how workouts are written and give you tips on technique.
OP
Thanks for all the responses and sending me in the right direction! I’m excited to try something totally out of the box for me
Julia
Also know that swimming laps is very exhausting at first. If you are a novice, it is unlikely you will be able to do very many laps at first and you will have to build up. I find this to be more stark with swimming than with other forms of exercise, so don’t be discouraged. Mix up your strokes and do the kicking or pulling only exercises recommended above to stretch your distance.
Shopping
Have fun!
Anon
I’m fashionot impaired and need help. Can I weare one of those almost knee length slightly puffy coats on a biz casual office? Like with dress pants and heels or would that look stupid? Do I need to wear a wool dress coat?
Anon
sorry for typos. I’m on my phone.
Anonymous
Of course that is fine.
In my cold city, every woman is wearing that coat with knee high boots all winter. Biz formal or casual.
I wouldn’t wear it now though. We wear wool in fall and in warmer winter days above 30 degrees.
lawsuited
+1 I live in Toronto, and most women I know, including myself, wear a down parka. Obviously, the sleeker the better, but really the focus is not freezing your buns off and everyone gets that. I wear winter boots while commuting and then change into indoor shoes.
ANP
I know this is late in posting but we’ll see if anyone bites. Great Lo & Sons sale this weekend and I’m wondering if anyone here can weigh in on the Brookline vs. the Seville. I have an OG (maybe an OMG? Not sure) that I currently use for work and it’s starting to show wear after 3 years, plus it feels a wee bit too big. I car commute and need to be able to carry a laptop, work papers/folders, makeup bag, and lunch/snacks back and forth. My (enormous) gym bag is separate from all of this.
I love the long strap on the Brookline and I do prefer a lighter weight bag, so that (and price) has me leaning this way. However, the idea of the swap-out shell for the Seville seems uber-functional, plus it’s leather so I figure it will last longer. Anyone care to weigh in?
BestyBee
I had the Brookline for a while, but found it quite small and primarily used it just for a laptop. I sold it and would definitely lean towards the Seville tote as it seems more versatile for everyday and even non-work situations. good luck!
all about eveee
How do you deal when your assistant says that you are being harsh or critical? I had an awkward interaction with my assistant Friday. I was training her on a report that used to be part of my job description but is now part of hers, and while doing so, she asked me if I was frustrated with her and then began sobbing. She told me through tears that my tone was harsh when I told her she needed to pull information out of our database in a different way in order to complete the report in an accurate way. I asked her to take a moment alone to get herself together and she left the building for awhile, but when she returned, she continued to tell me I was way too harsh and critical, and that she “had been through some bad things in her life and wouldn’t allow anyone to mistreat her”. I have no idea what happened because my tone was polite and friendly throughout the time that I was speaking to her. I’m at a loss here. Anyone have any advice for how I can improve this working relationship with my assistant? I’ve never had an assistant before, and I guess I don’t know how placating I need to be with her.
Anonny
Well maybe because you are shouldering a woman with YOUR work who likely makes half what you do. I’m sure this report only serves to make you look good and increase your salary while she is stuck doing more work without extra compensation. But you know, I can imagine why she’s upset
all about eveee
The report actually used to be part of my job description, but was moved to her by our Vice President. It isn’t my choice that she take over the report, but she does need to learn to do it independently on a monthly basis.
SD
Have you genuinely thanked her for taking it over, even if it wasn’t your decision? Impossible to say just from your post how much of this is her being a little emotionally unstable/unprofessional, and how much is you being harsh and invalidating to work for, but it’s probably somewhere in the middle, and there are a couple of parts of your post that do read as pretty condescending and dismissive. For one, you asked her to take a moment to get herself together? Would you have reacted that way if you saw this woman as your ‘equal’ and worthy of your respect? I bet you would have been a lot quicker to apologize, check yourself, and genuinely ask what you did wrong; instead you kind of treated her like a tantruming child.
You get paid more than her and have a more impressive title, but this woman should feel like a valued member of your team. She’s doing the hard work needed for YOU to be successful, yet you hold most of the power. If you want a better working relationship, it’s really on your shoulders to make her feel comfortable, safe and valued. It sounds like she’s had a very different life than you and it probably makes her more sensitive and in need of empathy than you are.
all about eveee
Thank you, this was genuinely helpful for me.
SD
Just as a rule of thumb, if you want to escalate a situation, just invalidate a person’s experience and emotions (“get yourself together” “placate her”); if you want to de-escalate a situation, you generally just need to give their feelings and perspective credence. It’s a mindset and a skill that you can acquire, and I promise it will serve you very well in a variety of situations.
“Wow, I must have really upset you! I’m so sorry! Can we talk about what made you feel that way? I want to resolve this- our relationship is important to me,” would have completely de-escalated the whole situation immediately.
Maybe ask if you can take her out to lunch (somewhere nice!), belatedly thank her for taking on that task and all her hard work, and then ask if you can discuss how to improve your working relationship. As an aside, have you ever done anything nice for her? Brought her coffee, the way she likes it, just because? It’ll cost you almost nothing but give you so much in return. You can still totally turn this around. She doesn’t want to be sobbing at work any more than you want her to be sobbing at work.
...
What if you made it your goal to say something kind to her twice a week? Or even once per day? Whether it is to compliment the speed she completed something, to thank her for slogging through a menial task, or to ask if she wanted something when you ran out for coffee and then not accepted money when she offered to pay. When you speak to her or train her, try to do so as if you were training your boss rather than your assistant. You’re still using the same words or teaching the same thing but you’re naturally speaking more respectfully and showing more appreciation because you put her in a different light.
Also, you may want to send her an email or leave her a handwritten note that you appreciate her feedback and you look forward to working together to have a great working relationship. It lets her know you heard what she said and you want to work with her, rather than that you think she was a child for crying who needed to be sent out of the room til she calmed down. :)
Anonny
So you didn’t advocate for your assistant? You are making it infinitely clear you think you are way better than your assistant. She most certainly can see that if we can from only a few posts.
all about eveee
This is a part of her job description and she has to do it. She knew this when she was originally hired. If it was still part of my job description, I would do it, but our VP moved some of my prior responsibilities to support staff around the time that we hired this assistant in order to free me up to pursue new projects that are important to our organization. I am not going to “advocate” her job duties away from her. It is part of her job, which she is paid to do. I have been support staff before being promoted over the years up to my current role, so it is not like I don’t understand what it is like to be a member of support staff. I am not better or worse than her, my role is just different from hers.
lawsuited
It’s fine to be appreciative of work that others do, even if it’s just what’s in their job description. Sure, you can approach it as “well, that’s in her job description, she should just do it without comment” but you can also approach it as “I’m really grateful that she’s doing this report so that I’m free to focus on other things”. From your comments, I think you naturally take the former approach, but the latter would really serve you better. It doesn’t hurt you to say “thank you for your work on this report, I really appreciate it” and you acknowledging it would probably mean a lot to her.
Anon
If she was telling you you were being harsh, listen. Maybe she was having a bad day or something else was going on, but maybe the way you’re reading your tone and the way she is hearing it is different.
Come back on Tuesday and ask her how to improve your working relationship. If you don’t want to sound harsh, tell her you don’t want to sound harsh and ask what you’re saying or how you’re saying it is making it come off that way. Apologize sincerely. It sounds like she might not feel valued or respected by you, and that’s not a good way to have her be on your team- nor is it a good place for her to work.
You can have a professional relationship and still let down your guard sometimes. Ask her what she needs to make your relationship successful. Listen.
HSAL
I hope you’re still reading, because I think some of these comments are a little unfair. Although yes, you should be aware of your tone just in case you were harsh, I don’t think you come across as thinking you are better than her, and I think giving her time for herself when she’s crying was the right thing to do (assuming it wasn’t phrased as a “go pull yourself together” or something). Make sure you acknowledge her work and be appreciative, but she does also need to learn to do things in the correct way without emotional outbursts. You both probably have some work to do on this relationship.
Liz
Any recommendations for an espresso machine? Something small/compact and easy to use.
Beth
Nespresso is great and it is far, far superior to Keurig if you don’t mind the single cup machines. Some have disks which are slightly less wasteful.
Sydney Bristow
Has anyone ever ordered clothing from Ellos? I just got a catalog and there is some cute stuff in it, all for sizes 10 and up. Just never heard of the company before.
Karin the Swede
It’s a Swedish company – very well known and established here, so you don’t need to worry about ordering. Never shopped there myself, though.
Sydney Bristow
Thanks Karin!
Pep
They had this sweater, in multiple colors, at Nordstrom Rack this weekend. Only $39.99, marked down from $108. It’s so pretty in this picture, but IRL I looked terrible in it. Sadness.
UnsureAnonymous
Does anyone have any advice for someone who is unhappy with a brand new job? Half of me wants to stay just to see how it goes and not to burn bridges, but the other half of me knows this job is likely not going to benefit me in the long run.
Specifically, I am an attorney and this very small law firm does not promote any of its associate to partners and also does not allow the associates to do any real substantive litigation. I knew about the partnership thing going in, but did not realize how important it actually is important to me. The problem there is that, as an attorney, once you are practicing for a certain number of years and are not a partner, it is very, very difficult to ever make partner anywhere. I did not know about the substantive litigation issue — which I get, since their other associates have been with them essentially their whole careers, but I have been litigating for five years and I don’t want to lose that skill (and stop doing what I love). On the other hand, I came from a terrible firm with terrible people and this firm is beyond wonderful. Also, I’m getting paid a bunch more than I was.
Honestly, I’m not even sure how to go about getting a different job after being here for one month. During my last round of interviews, I was already being accused of being a job hopper (stayed at my last job for three years and the job before that for two, which is pretty normal for a new attorney, but whatever). Another wrench is that I got the job through a recruiter and I am almost certain it would beyond cause her to cut ties with me if I left.
Obviously the way I’ve written this begs for a “LEAVE NOW” response, but I honestly don’t know if its as realistic in practice as it is in theory.
Anonymous
I do think you can leave a job immediately, so long as you otherwise have a fairly steady work history (which it sounds like you do) and you stay at the next job for at least a year. However, given all the facts you describe, I would probably stay at this job for at least six months before jumping ship. First and foremost, I think the issue of the quality of work you’re given is extremely likely to improve over time. You have been there for only one month! Plenty of firms won’t throw a fifth year associate into really substantive work without evaluating their skills first. What exactly are you being asked to do? If it’s mostly research and writing and you’re concerned because you’re not getting client contact and courtroom experience, I would say that sounds pretty normal and you need to adjust your expectations and wait until the partners have faith in you to assign you more challenging tasks. If you’re being asked to cite-check things or prepare binders (i.e., paralegal or assistant level work) that’s more troubling, but I would still work your a$$ off, do a great job and hope that once you’ve won their trust, things will improve. I wouldn’t be concerned about the partnership prospects. As a fifth year, you have at least three-four years before that will really be an issue for you, so it’s certainly worth waiting six months to a year at this job to see how things shake out.
You can certainly leave a job immediately if it’s terrible, but I wouldn’t immediately leave a firm that’s “beyond wonderful” and paying you a lot more than you made previously just because you’re not happy with the kind of work you’re getting in the very first month.
Anonymous
I should have clarified – my concern about the substantive work issue is based on talking to and seeing what kind of work the other associates do. They are very upfront about how,it works there; even an attorney that’s been there 15 years only does record custodian depositions. It’s just very difficult for me to go from handling cases with supervision when necessary to essentially being an assistant. Honestly, it is scary. But you’re right, I should give it some time.
One of my major concerns is that the firm is going to pay the recruiter who placed me a lot of money, so leaving after she gets paid is going to burn bridges all around.
Anonymous
Ok, that changes my answer somewhat. I read it as you were saying other associates were doing substantive work but you weren’t. If no one is doing substantive work, that’s unlikely to change over time. Still, if the people are nice and the pay is good I wouldn’t necessarily jump ship immediately. I’d plan to stay there about a year so it’s less of a red flag on your resume. I wouldn’t worry too much about losing your skills in a year, and there are ways you can stay current, like taking (or running) CLEs in your practice area and taking on pro bono clients for hands-on experience.
Anonymous
No don’t leave now! Get over yourself and do it for a year.
Anon
Maybe consider looking now and if you can jump before the end of 2016, jump. Your resume could list years without months so the quick jump may not be obvious. In any event, I think it would be better to jump after a couple months than to have another two or three years at yet another firm. When I get a resume and someone has three or four firms with between 1 and 3 years, it does raise questions about job hopping.
But, make sure you want to go. Its sounds like you took the job knowing you wouldn’t make partner, but you seem really concerned now about not making partner. Sounds like you may benefit from a career counselor.
Another thing to consider is whether you’re not doing actual litigation because you’re so new. Some partners want to make sure they trust you and that you know the files well enough before letting you really dive in. I don’t think the first month is absolutely indicative of what you’ll be doing in six months. I’d ask for more work like you want and see what they say. Also really look at others in the firm with similar levels of experience and see what they’re doing and whether they want to be doing more. Some may be perfectly happy just being behind the scenes. I think you have to figure out what is really going on here
I wouldn’t worry about the recruiter.
Rereading this, I realize my advice is all over the place but I think that’s because your post indicates you’re a bit confused too. In the end, I think you have to decide what you want in your career then decide if your current firm fits with that vision then stay or go but do so fast. I’d keep my eyes open in the meantime for other opportunities.
Anon
Meant for unsureanon above
Becca
Hi all! I was wondering if I could ask for some of the Hive wisdom. I just adopted a senior dog (she’s 13) and am trying to figure out what would be best to feed her. She’s about 13 pounds, and missing some teeth, so anything she eats would be have to soft. Her foster family was feeding her Nutro senior wet dog food, but it’s kind of expensive – so I’m looking to see if there are any better alternatives out there. I also just don’t know much about dog food brands except for what I see in class actions go by at the firm I work at. I’m not sure if it’s worth being concerned about the brands involved in the class actions….
Anyway, I’d love any suggestions! Thanks so much!
Anonny
Price shouldn’t be a factor. Look for good ingredients, meaning very few fillers like corn or wheat and no animal byproduct, just animal meat and veggies and vitamins. I feed my cat food that’s $70/bag and I certainly don’t make lawyer money. *knock in wood* I have the most agile and healthy senior cats I have ever met. I definitely think most of this is feeding them good food. I know I have cats and not dogs but it’s basically the same principal.
Anonnh
“Price shouldn’t be a factor.” You suck, Anonny. You don’t even have a dog. Between this comment and the one above that assumes that the OP is some sort of overlord working her assistant to death, I really wonder what’s going on in your life to make you so self righteous. If this comment gets me banned, so be it.
Anonny
What? When you adopt an animal you commit to caring for them the best you can. The math on the food I feed my pets works out to the equivalent of a daily take out coffee. This is a sight for high achievers so I assume they can afford a daily coffee which means they can afford the best food.
Anonny
Site* auto correct
Anonymous
I see nothing wrong or abusive in the comment. Annony is right, quality of ingredients is more important than price. Price doesn’t always dictate quality. I think most pet owners who look into food know this. Sometimes a brand is expensive because it advertises a lot and if you look at the ingredients you find mostly fillers. Brands you’ve never heard of, local brands, store brands, etc., are likely to have quality ingredients for a reasonable price.
Wildkitten
Price is a factor for everything in life.
Bonnie
Congrats on the adoption. Senior dog food usually doesn’t contain additional nutrients, but is just lower calorie. http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/senior-dog-food
If you have access to Costco, their Kirkland brand dog food is routinely ranked well. You don’t have to go for the most expensive stuff but skip the Alpo and cheap brands.
Bonnie
This website has good reviews: http://www.dogfoodadvisor.com/dog-food-reviews/wet/
Bonnie
Also, you may find a cheaper price ordering online. Vets usually upcharge food.
all about eveee
I would continue with the Nutro, especially if the dog likes it and eats it well.
NYNY
Has your vet said she should eat wet food? Because chewing dry food may help her keep her remaining teeth. I had a sweet rescue dog whose teeth had been ground down to little nubs – he was likely used as a bait dog to train fighting dogs – and my vet said dry food would be better for him.
If you do change her food, try to transition slowly by mixing the old with the new. You want to be sure the new food agrees with her before you commit to a large order of it.
Baconpancakes - SILK EVERYTHING
Hope everyone’s holiday is going great! Classes are in session today, so I’m super jealous of everyone not working today.
I know it’s late in the thread, but do any busty ladies wear Cuyana? I’m looking at their silk tees, but worried about the look.
Also, does have a Grana code? I’m looking at a silk camisole there.