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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 304 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  1. Chicago Hamilton ticket

    I find myself with an extra ticket to the Thursday night performance of Hamilton in Chicago. I could sell the ticket on StubHub, but the fees on both sides are kind of ridiculous.

    Is there a Hamilton-obsessed person on this s*te who would like to join me and my sisters Feb. 2? (I usually post as Moonstone.) The ticket is $300 cash. I can transfer it to you electronically, but I would want to meet downtown for the handoff of cash for ticket.

    These tickets were acquired on the first day of ticket sales; I waited in line for 9 hours in June. So, obviously I am a Hamilton nut. The seat is in the Dress Circle.

    If you want details about ticket location, etc., contact me at at hamiltontickets at outlook.com

    • X

      Man, if you were in Boston I’d be all over this…

      It would be the bright spot in an otherwise terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week!

      • S in Chicago

        I’m traveling for business next week. I seriously want to cry right now.

        • Chicago Hamilton ticket

          Oh no! Don’t be sad. It will be here all 2017, I think.

    • AEK

      I emailed you— very interested but need to make sure the toddler wouldn’t be home alone!

    • anon

      AHHHHHHHHHHH I wish I could be there with you but have dinner plans Thursday. Hopefully you have a blast with AEK

      • Senior Attorney

        I’m so impressed that you are honoring your prior plans in the face of this amazing offer… ;)

      • Chicago Hamilton ticket

        Thanks! I’ll post an update after we see the show. I am really looking forward to it!

  2. SC

    Can anyone recommend an inexpensive curling iron for large curls? I’d like to spend under $35 since I’m just playing with the style for some special events coming up in the next few months.

  3. Anon

    Long post in the morning thread that took hrs to get thru – so here’s the quick version to see if I can get some opinions.

    Friend is an atty at a non profit and has been there for 5+ yrs. WILL NOT STOP complaining about it. She loves the cause/mission but hate the admittedly dysfunctional environment. Some of it I get – bc she’s the one who loves the cause, she’ll work until 11 pm often and the other 2 attys show up to work far less than 40 hrs a week (incld. the legal director). I understand the resentment. Some of it though – she brings upon herself. She is (or has become) ridiculous in her inability to work with teams. She is personally insulted if the legal director wants to sit in on her call or go to a hearing — bc in her mind she’s doing all the work, so it’s not their right to be involved, even her boss. She even acts insulted on my behalf if I say one of my partners needs to review my depo outline bc why should he be doing that if it’s my depo — uh — bc law is a team sport sweetie.

    She’s now looking to move (though should have moved on 2-3 yrs ago frankly) and I’m just tired of hearing about it ALL THE TIME. Any suggestion I give to network with someone (where I offer to make an intro) gets shot down bc it’s all about staying with the cause/mission — except her org is one of the only ones in the country serving that precise cause. So if you’re not willing to diversify, how will you move on?? WWYD?

    • Anon

      “Oh, that’s too bad. Sorry to hear it’s still not going well.” Change the subject. Repeat. It’s not your problem, especially if she won’t take your advice.

      • Anonymous

        + 1 Give the same answer every time. If she complains about answer repetition: “I don’t really have anything else to say”/ “Not sure what else to say”.

        • Anon

          +1. If you give the same answer every time, eventually the conversation will get shorter and hopefully cease. If you try to be helpful and say — why don’t you talk to X or have you considered getting into Y — then it gives the person something to argue with/justify. I.E. well I don’t want to talk to X bc A, B, C; I don’t want to do Y bc MISSION etc. I do believe friends should listen and try to help others, but it seems like it’s been 3 (or 5??) yrs — if the person is just complaining, then they don’t want your help and there’s some reason they want to stay — so let them. You don’t have to listen to venting every time you socialize.

  4. Mountains

    I love hiking and would like to scale up my efforts this summer and climb a few peaks in California. Can anyone recommend a good mountain in the 10-12,000 foot range in an area that isn’t going to be insanely crowded with other hikers and backpackers? Strenuous/scrambling is okay, although I’d prefer not to have to carry ropes. Other states welcome too for my dream travel list :)

    • Anonymous

      I’m not a climber but Mount Baker fits your height range and has the added benefit of being near Bellingham, WA, one of my favorite towns. (As well as Seattle and Vancouver, of course.)

      • Mountains

        I have actually had my eye on Bellingham as a future city to consider moving to! What do you love about it?

        • Anonymous

          I actually only lived as close a couple hours away, but loved visiting. Has the feel of a small- to medium-sized town with a four-year university campus, a lot of local character (restaurants, shops, etc.), terrific proximity to water/mountains/Vancouver (which I’ve always preferred to Seattle), and just a really laid-back vibe (I heard it was a popular place to retire, but it never felt like all older folks). Traffic is much better than the Seattle area.

          If you haven’t heard of it, the drive to/from Bellingham to the south on Chuckanut Drive is gorgeous. Passenger ferries available to the San Juan Islands. Watch seals/orcas/other marine life on the ample shoreline (marina/yacht club/parks).

          Plus it’s close to some of the Skagit Valley stuff that’s fun to see but in a less vibrant place to live: Skagit Valley Tulip Festival, visit La Conner, etc.

      • AnonyMom

        Baker is not a non-technical climb, neither is Shasta.

        Mt. Lassen and Mt. Whitney are both hikes in the summer. It’s hard to get permits for Whitney unless you go the long way through the High Sierra Trail (multi-day trip).

        Never done it, but Mt. San Jacinto in SoCal is also a trail to the summit. I believe Middle Sister is also just a hike, though it’s in OR. Black Butte near Mt. Shasta is a hike, but much lower elevation.

        I recommend 100 Hikes in California as a place to get started.

        • Louisa

          South sister ia a great hike. Not technical but 5k of gain and summit at 10k. Think middle sister is technical

    • Anon

      I did Mt. Shasta in college as a not-serious climber and it remains, 20 years later, one of the most memorable things I’ve ever done. Did requires some borrowed gear, but no ropes that I recall.

      • AnonyMom

        I would not recommend climbing Mt. Shasta without some glacier safety training. It’s mostly non-technical, but 14K mountains can turn dangerous fast. My friend with tons of mountaineering experience broke her tailbone (and narrowly avoided a much more serious accident) on Shasta.

    • Anonymous

      Humphrey’s Peak in Flagstaff. No gear required. You’ll want to go early enough in the day that you avoid afternoon monsoons. Beautiful hike and Flagstaff is a great town.

      • Ismay

        Mt. Dana in Yosemite. 13k and a quick awesome dayhike. Clouds rest also great but not as high. Whitney is amazing but better as a 1 to 2 night backpack and permits are hard. Def. Lassen.

    • full of ideas

      Mt Borah in Idaho sounds perfect for you. No gear required, but Chicken Out Ridge comes close! You’d love it.

      • Mountains

        I’ve actually heard horror stories about Mt. Borah (heat and crowds and STRAIGHT UP), but it’s kind of enticing nevertheless! Thanks for the tips everyone!

  5. ChiLaw

    I’m in the market for a work bag / travel tote. Something I can carry to work every day without looking like I’m off for some voyage, but also something that I can slide on top of my luggage handle to schlep through the airport.

    Requirements:
    – under $100 (preferably well under)
    – can fit a laptop
    – shoulder carry
    – luggage sleeve
    – at least one exterior pocket for phone/keys

    As the price indicates, I’m not looking for a status piece, just something practical and professional.

    Suggestions?

  6. Jewelry

    I would like to get a missing ruby replaced in a vintage ring. Can anyone recommend a good jeweler in the SF Bay Area?

    • potato

      Just an FYI, many rubies are lab-grown now. They’re chemically and physically identical to dirt-grown rubies and a h*ck of a lot less expensive. Just so you know your options.

    • AnonyMom

      What size?

      I got my wedding band made at TC Jewelers on Union St. It was a replica of an estate ring that was too big for me, and it has several small rubies in the band. I thought he did a great job at a fair price, and he had a lot of small stones on hand.

      For a larger stone, you might consider looking online for a good deal and then going to a local jeweler to have it set.

      • Jewelry

        Idk how big it is exactly, but it’s not huge – it’s part of a setting with other jewels. Thanks for the rec.

    • Anon

      14 Karats in Berkeley. All their stuff is custom made, they have gorgeous gems and they are nice people. Jon, the owner, will seem gruff but he’s a big softie.

    • lauren

      South Bay – Escobar Jewelers in Campbell
      Peninsula – Arnoldi Jewelers in Palo Alto, or Gleim in Stanford
      SF – Shreve & Co on Post St.

  7. Emmer

    This is a longshot, but does anyone know anything about Variable Universal Life Insurance? A financial adviser has pitched this as a good investment vehicle for my husband and I, but I am finding that the information online is really complex and I don’t have enough of a finance/math background to adequately weigh the pros and cons. But I also don’t want to pass up on potentially good investment opportunities just because I’m not very sophisticated when it comes to this stuff. Any resources you could point me to would be great!

    • MJ

      I know enough to know to avoid it. Why pay an insurance company to manage your money and lock it up when you could invest yourself (and have better control over it). Complicated insurance products are HUGE commission-makers (with high fees) for the unwary purchaser. Not in your best interest, most times. Suze Orman always says to get a good term policy that you shop around for. There’s some good info here: https://www.policygenius.com/blog/suze-orman-insurance-tips/

    • Anonymous

      If you’re not sophisticated, this isn’t the right vehicle for you, because you won’t understand its risks and benefits. Never invest in something you can’t understand (I’m in finance and have a finance degree from a top school and still really limit myself to index funds, even if I’m passing up yield, because I know what I’m getting).

      • Emmer

        I’m hoping though that someone can try to point me to some resources to better understand the risks and benefits. Is it really the case that to maximize yield you need an advanced understanding of finances? (Genuine question – I did not grow up in a high-earning household and did not have enough money to invest until the past 3 years or so, so I am very inexperienced here).

        A little more detail – husband and I need life insurance anyway, because we have a kid on the way. We currently have a substantial amount invested in index funds and still plan to invest most of our money that way – only about 10% of our annual savings would be invested in this.

        • Anonymous

          I’m the finance person – there’s maximizing yield and Maximizing Yield, if you know what I mean. Once you get too far beyond stocks and bonds (which I’d say this probably does), it starts to fall into the latter category for me. At that point, I think you do want a really solid level of finance understanding for it. You want to feel confident you know when someone is steering you wrong or taking advantage.

        • MJ

          I also have a strong finance background. Believe me–this is not in your best interest. The prior link I gave you had a link to “Life Insurance 101” which is the kind of resource you need. In layman’s terms, you are essentially buying a variable annuity with life insurance overlaid on top (meaning you only get paid when someone dies). These are generally known as high-fee, high-risk (meaning good OR bad returns) and huge commission-makers for whichever broker is “lucky” enough to sell it to you. To put it bluntly, a large percentage of your up-front investment would be going to pay this adviser’s commission. It’s not a good deal for you. So yes, you can spend time better understanding this, but please hear us when we tell you that this guy is not steering you toward the best products–he’s more akin to a used car salesman that sees a sucker across the lot, because he knows you can’t understand the fees. Does that make more sense?

        • CPA Lady

          I’m also a numbers type who has been investing and reading personal finance books “for fun” since college (nerd alert!). And I have a term life insurance policy that costs ~$30 a month for $750k of coverage. I do not plan on having any other kind of life insurance ever.

          These other kinds of insurance plans are big money makers for the insurance agency, which is not what I’m looking for. For life insurance I want something cheap and good. I don’t want to be paying the insurance company a bunch of fees to be handling a portfolio that is trapped in the policy. I want to be able to access my portfolio when and how I want.

          That said, here’s an article that explains it pretty well:
          http://www.investopedia.com/terms/v/variableuniversallife.asp

    • anon

      I don’t have time to go into any detail now but please please please avoid this and get a new adviser. There is no chance that this is in your best interest, given your description of your circumstances. You need term life insurance and a fee-only financial planner. You’re not missing out on anything by passing this one up.

      • nutella

        Yes, avoid. And probably get a new financial planner (look for one where his payment is clear – this one is paid on commission of products he can sell to you).

    • January

      Yes, avoid. And probably get a new financial planner (look for one where his payment is clear – this one is paid on commission of products he can sell to you).

    • Betty

      I work in the life insurance industry as an attorney. First, at your next annual enrollment, take out the max guarantee issue with your employer. Then get a term life insurance policy. Life insurance is to cover your dependents’ financial needs if you were to die. Go to other products for investment.

  8. Bra help

    I’ve seen a lot of bra start ups (kickstarters and the like) in my ads recently and they’ve made me curious. I don’t love my department store bras but I want good support, good n!pple coverage – mine will show through a lot – and a nice shape.

    Any suggestions? I’m a 36C. Really broad ribcage, which probably means my b@@bs are set farther apart than some my size.

    • Torin

      I tried Third Love and like them. I also have a broad ribcage and side set bre*asts. Their tshirt bra work well for me. I wear a 34 A though, so ymmv.

      Also though what is the deal with this phenomenon all of a sudden? There are like 4 or 5 companies that are all over my facebook page trying to tell me they’ve completely revolutionized the entire concept of a bra and I need to try their product. Why is this suddenly a thing?

    • Jules

      If you find a bra you like but still have show-through, you can use the silicone nip covers. I use the Hollywood brand from Amazon (better than a more expensive brand I tried).

      • mascot

        Agreed. Find the bra that works and deal with coverage separately. The Bezi discs are awesome; they don’t show through as much as the silicone covers I have.

      • Anon

        Third on the silicone covers, this is what I do. Bras not made of foam/contouring material usually fit better. A quality bra cup will be sewn from three pieces.

        I wear Prima Donna bras but I am a larger cup size than you. The Prima Donna Deauville has wide-set cups.

        I would not pay this much for a bra online without first going to a good bra store to get fitted (not VS and preferably not a department store, but an independent retailer.) Buy a bra or two there, wear them for a few weeks and when you are assured that you like how they fit and that they are easy enough for you to care for, buy more online.

        • ChiLaw

          Thanks for reminding people to buy at the independent retailer! I go to a place that’s actually a bit of a schlep for me, but they have a huge selection and a knowledgable staff, so I can try something on and say “ok but see how it’s fitting weird right here?” and they can say “oh, such-and-such brand has a wider whatever, let’s try that!” and it’s invaluable. And then I see that the bra is $96 and I am tempted to just go find it online, but the price also goes to keeping that store in business for a few years from now when I need another fitting.

          A store in my old ‘hood that specialized in maternity and nursing wear and undergarments went out of business. They said they had basically become a fitting room for Amazon.

    • DC Anon

      I’m a 34DD with a wideset bre*asts as well. I love love love the Natori Understated Underwire T Shirt Bra. It has molded cups so no nip show-through, good support, and I like the shape of the cup.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to Natori and and also Chantelle. Go for the Nordstrom bra fitting too.

    • kag

      I am late, but try Freya or Panache. Get yourself measured, if possible, or use their calculator. There’s high chance that your circumference is smaller and cup is bigger than you think. It would make a large difference to how a bra fits and what it covers.

  9. JayJay

    Let’s talk at-home hair coloring. I have relatively dark brown, shoulder length hair that I wear wavy (air-dried) 99% of the time. I don’t currently color it. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I see more grey hairs at my hairline and throughout my waves.

    I don’t feel strongly about going grey (my mom’s hair is pure silver and she’s had a short, spiky pixie for years). But I’m curious enough to try an at-home hair color to see if it covers up the grey and since I’m not certain I want to keep up this routine, I don’t want to pay a colorist to do it.

    Any recommendations for brands of hair color? I used to color my hair in college at home (ah, youth), but I haven’t done it since then.

    • COtoNY

      I used to use L’Oreal Preference and just tried Revlon ColorSilk after seeing it be the highest recommended in several spots. Great results with both of them, but I haven’t used them to cover grays. They do always have instructions for those doing so, though.

      One thing to note- I always find that my hair comes out a little darker than the box would suggest/than I expect it to. I just used the ColorSilk light brown (51) and I would definitely consider my result more of a medium brown. My natural hair color is medium brown, FWIW.

      • Meg March

        I have dyed my hair since 9th grade. I’m currently using Revlon ColorSilk and like it. I dye my hair red, which tends to fade faster than other colors, and I’ve been impressed with how the Revlon color has lasted.

    • tesyaa

      To cover gray hairs you probably need to leave the color on for the maximum recommended time – grays don’t absorb that well. Also, I really recommend using semi-permanent if you’re doing it at home for the first time. It doesn’t last as long as permanent but it sounds like you just want to see if you like it rather than have the most permanent color.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I started coloring my hair at home about 6 months ago. People here talked about the foam colors and that’s what I went with. It’s way easier to apply on your own.

      I like the John Frieda Precision Foam.

      • MJ

        Yes, this. Try the John Frieda or the L’Oreal Foam. Avoid color that have metallic pigments (they are very hard to match next time). Make sure you have a set of papertowels at the ready to catch any drips on your counter, sink, cabinet, etc, because when they first drip, they are light colored, but they dye up just like the stuff on your head, and are hard to remove. When I first started, I watched a few You-Tube videos to see how color was applied and they were helpful!

      • Amy

        Oh man. The John Frieda foam is AMAZING. I go back and forth between two dark brunette colors and I always, always get compliments on my color. People think I got it done at a salon.
        I am about 15% gray and I was very skeptical about the foam covering my grays, but it totally does. It gives a really complete level of coverage (at least, for my medium-length hair) and it’s super-easy to put on, with almost none of the dripping I used to experience with other brands. My hair is super-shiny afterward and the color doesn’t tone red after a few weeks (which used to happen to me a lot when I used Feria).
        I quit getting my hair colored at the salon when we were saving for a trip to Hawaii last year and I decided that I could keep spending $200+ at the salon every eight weeks, or we could buy plane tickets with the money. Since I quit salon color the John Frieda kits have served me very well. I’m always happy with how it turns out.

    • Bonnie

      I use Herbal Essences semi-permanent color and leave it on for the maximum time. It’s really simple and takes me about half an hour total. Even my stylist approves and suggested I put on a shower cap while waiting for an even better result. With semi-permanent you won’t have to worry about root grow in and it’s easier to fix if you mess up.

    • Monte

      I use body art grade henna. Because my hair is dark, the henna throws a little light at the greys but is otherwise subtle.

  10. Craving

    I don’t know how to explain this, but all I can think about right now is pasta salad. I’ve had a craving all week. Anyone have a favourite recipe? Bonus points if there’s tuna in it.

  11. Depression

    Posted in the morning, but please, I need more stories. I’m the spouse, not the depressed person. And as I said in the morning thread, he now has decided the bad things in his life are my fault. I just need some idea of what this might look like on the other side. It’s hard to see how things might change, but then people say treatment for depression was like night and day. (Although in his case, he’s been on meds for years. And it lifts the worst of it, sometimes, but hasn’t really made him even close to not depressed.) Please tell me your stories. I need them for the weekend.

    ———-
    Not sure if it’s too late for this thread (will repost in afternoon if it is). Looking for stories about people who had suffered from chronic depression all their lives who got better. What does “better” look like? Does the self-loathing, fear of rejection, feeling that things will never get better go away? Does the skewed view of the world lift and become a more realistic, rational view?

    • Bee

      It took a while for me to get used to ‘happy’ being my default setting. I still have times when I struggle (see my post this morning) but nothing like as badly as I used to. What helps is that I now recognise my warning signs and have learnt to act on them.

      • Depression

        Thanks. What helps is that he’s 100% on board with the fact that he’s depressed. He’s really disoriented right now because he’s realized he can’t rely on his perceptions. He’s using CBT to help investigate his bad thoughts, but he only just started a couple of weeks ago, so I know it’s going to be awhile. It’s just really hard in the mean time to be told that I’ve never done anything to put him first and have always been selfish, when from my perspective, our whole marriage has been putting him (and his depression/anxiety, which have been driving the bus) first whether it’s tiptoeing around his moods, doing more than triple the amount of housework/childcare, or having long conversations where he lists out his failures and I try to reframe them and figure out what I can say to make it better.

        • Anonymous

          Sending internet hugs to you. I am facing very, very similar issues right now, and I am here to tell you that your husband’s issues are NOT your fault. Don’t believe any of it.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry to be a downer, but I’d say that you want to be realistic about how much his mood will change, if the meds don’t help enough and this has been going on for years. This may be what you get. (Experience: personal with anxiety and recent-onset depression, depressed spouse, depressed parents – all on meds or in therapy for years).

      • Anonymous

        Forgot to add – is he in therapy? Are you? You might seek out NAMI for resources. This is a chronic condition like any other disease and worth finding people/resources that can help you manage it.

        • Depression

          He’s in therapy with a psychologist, also sees a psychiatrist for meds. We’re in couples counseling. And I have my own therapist. He has only recently (in the last 4-6 weeks) accepted that he has been moderately to severely depressed his entire life (from his earliest memories) and only started seeing a therapist for that in the last 4 weeks or so. Before that, he would say he had depression, but didn’t appreciate how different his worldview was from non-depressed people. He’d see a therapist a few times when he had a major episode (about 3 times in his life) but then think he was “fine,” although he’d stay on a low dose of the meds. I think he now gets that it’s different, but hasn’t yet gotten to the point of his view changing.

          • Anon

            I’m glad you have your own therapist. Your husband’s therapist is by definition on his side, and he’s only going to hear that side of the issues, so there will be a lot of validating his feelings going on. I don’t see this improving his feelings of the problems in your marriage being your fault, sorry to say.

            I’d plan to see a marriage counselor once your husband is stable on his meds and has hopefully made some progress in therapy.

            I’m so sorry. You must be miserable. I’ve been through this with my husband, and to be perfectly honest with you, he’s not “cured.” He’s always going to be grumpy and blame me for lots of stuff. For me, right now, it’s worth the trade-off (he does have redeeming qualities) but there are times when divorce sounds pretty good.

        • Anonymous

          After reading the comments from earlier thread about his generic comments about being mad at you, I want to chime in with one more thing – while his depression is not your fault per se, it could have some roots in issues with your marriage. A lot of my anxiety/depression stems from that personally. Just to forewarn you.

          • Depression

            Can you elaborate? I’d actually love to find out I’m doing something to contribute to it because then I could stop doing that and have a positive effect.

          • Anonymous

            My case is pretty specific to my really unusual personal circumstances, but I can say that I’ve had a really difficult marriage and am not able to divorce for reasons related to my circumstances, and my spouse and I are now living separately and my anxiety has lifted monumentally.

            Anecdotally, a close friend is trapped in a marriage she can’t leave (similar circumstances), and it’s hugely contributing to her depression.

            In these cases, the spouse is not really able to make changes like a normal couple could, so you may have better luck than we collectively had in these situations.

    • MDW

      Where are you based? I’m in the Chicago area and my spouse has depression. It used to be very bad but he’s getting reasonable treatment now. If you’re around would you like to meet up for coffee? I don’t have a magic bullet but neither of us should feel alone in this struggle.

      • Depression

        Thanks. I’m in DC. Otherwise I would definitely take you up on the offer!

    • Anon

      I don’t think this is the type of story you’re looking for, but I see myself so much in your description. I was married to someone who struggled with depression/anxiety for the entire 5 years we were married. “He now has decided the bad things in his life are my fault” — this was exactly where I was and it’s so painful to deal with when you’re already doing absolutely everything you can to cater to your spouse’s mental health.

      I finally left him and of course the split was extremely painful, but what I hadn’t expected was this crazy sensation of having a huge weight lifted off my chest. Everyone who’d known me before the divorce kept commenting how much more myself I seemed, how it was like I was walking on eggshells before, etc. I’d lost track of how deeply it affected me to constantly be on edge worrying about his moods. I can’t sufficiently express how freeing it was to no longer have to be responsible for his mental health (and am now married to someone with whom it’s just easy, rather than the fraught tiptoeing of my first marriage).

      This is all just to say — it’s okay if you decide at some point that you’re done.

      • Scarlett

        +1 – I didn’t marry but was in a long term relationship with a severely depressed partner. It was awful. All the things you’re describing. Therapy for everyone, etc. I had exceptional guilt over the idea of leaving – it seemed wrong to do to someone who was sick, I wouldn’t leave if it was physical was what I said over and over. Anyway, it finally hit a point where it wasn’t a relationship anymore, just a situation to deal with and I ended things. I instantly felt better being freed. Fast forward a few years, I met my now husband, am living happily ever after and all that. I wish you all the best, it’s so hard to be the non-depressed partner.

      • Anonymous

        I was married for 17 years to someone who managed his depression pretty badly. He absolutely had the experience of trying to identify a cause of his illness/feelings, looking around at his life, and lighting on me. It made things very complicated in the marriage – he quit a series of jobs partly because of anxiety/depression, partly to punish me; when I had a health crisis he became emotionally abusive to me because it was very unsettling to him to potentially be shifted out of the “primary patient” role in the family; he (I think unconsciously?) undermined the therapy process of one of our kids because the issues our child was having hit too close to home for him.

        One thing I found difficult was that his therapist, as Anon 7:21 says, was totally dedicated to his POV. So when I was invited to participate in some therapy in that setting, it was very much “why won’t you have s*x more” and this list of complaints. My observation was that his therapy fed into his feelings of being persecuted, harmed, and under appreciated.

        Post-divorce my kid is now doing CBT (without dad’s participation) and it has been mind-blowing for me. So that’s a hopeful sign in your post, IMO, since it seems like a very effective approach to changing thinking/behavior.

        You can’t fix his depression and didn’t cause it (although I see and understand that it sometimes does happen that a stressful/abusive situation can cause depression – doesn’t seem like that’s happening here.) My advice: don’t have (more) kids until he is stable; keep your own health a top priority; try to stay financially stable in case you do need to divorce. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      It might look like you’re happy and in a great marriage because you left him because he’s mean and found someone else.

    • Kanarpski

      I was pretty similar to your husband and I got better. I varied from a 6 to a 9 on a depression scale. To me, 6 was perfectly healthy, 7 was okay, and then 8 or 9 were bad. It wasn’t until after a ton treatment that I realized that 6 is still moderate to severe depression. It was a revelation to find out how happy I could be. Most days I’m probably a 2 or a 4 now. I’ve been through so much work that I’m probably much better adjusted than your average person.

      But, this all happened in fits and starts, over the course of ten years. It was excruciating work – I didn’t do most of it until I had PTSD and felt like I would die if I didn’t sort my stuff out. It doesn’t sound like your husband is willing to do that work if he’s blaming everything on you. You may be enabling him in some ways as well by allowing him to be moody or not do his work. I wouldn’t have gotten better if I hadn’t felt like it was absolutely necessary to survive. He’s sieving just fine because you’re taking care of everything and being his emotional punching bag. Also, it is possible to be severely depressed and an inconsiderate jerk at the same time. Your husband is hurting, but that doesn’t mean he gets to hurt you. Nobody chooses depression, but you can choose how to respond to those feelings. Blaming your spouse seems like a lazy and unhelpful option.

      I read a lot of Captain Awkward who has some good advice that basically asks you, what if nothing changed? Would you stay for another month? Another year? Another five years? There’s a chance he’ll change, but there’s a bigger chance he won’t. It’s negatively impacting you and almost certainly your children, so you need to consider your priorities.

      • PatsyStone

        “Also, it is possible to be severely depressed and an inconsiderate jerk at the same time. Your husband is hurting, but that doesn’t mean he gets to hurt you. Nobody chooses depression, but you can choose how to respond to those feelings. ”

        QFT. This says it all.

    • PatsyStone

      If he’s actively managing his illness and seeing his doctor consistently, there is reason to expect it will change. Chronically depressed people (like me!) be chronically depressed. I devote a lot of energy to managing my illness, I’ve come believe that for me it’s an ethical responsibility to my husband. I need sleep and exercise and meds and prayer on and on. I’ve shifted to a career that is less stressful with lower pay and less prestige.

      For me, if I keep all of that going, I generally feel like a 7 out of 10. If I’m non medicated or non compliant for more than 5 days I’m a 2-3. I will be too afraid to get out of bed, hopeless.

      But we’re all different and there’s a whole spectrum. And some people don’t respond well to even the best treatments. You can’t really know the how’s or why’s and in the end it doesn’t matter. You are not responsible for him, you will neither fix nor break him. It sounds like a shitty relationship that is making you very unhappy. Take that at face value.

  12. Shananana

    I need a place to get out a little humblebragging.

    I just signed the offer on a major promotion at work which is giving me a 35% increase in pay! I worked my a** off the last three years, juggling a crazy job and finishing my MBA on the weekends. I will break 6 figures this year for the first time (I’m 34). As someone who grew up lower middle class with 1 parent who barely graduated high school and another who dropped out in 11th grade this is crazy to me. I have struggled with imposter syndrome hardcore in the past due to my unusual education and career path, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I earned and deserve this.

    Thank You for being my therapists for the day :) This site gets me through when I am questioning how to navigate a corporate/professional world that no one in my family can really help me with. You ladies feel like my unofficial mentors

  13. Pangea

    I submitted my notice at work today! Which should be a giant yay! But for some reason doesn’t feel that way….

    It has been a long time coming (I’ve been wanting to leave for several reasons for more than a year), but now that it’s official I don’t feel as relieved as I expected…. Everyone is congratulating me and telling me how much I’ll be missed and one of my (senior) colleagues even told me he thinks I’m making a mistake because he sees so much growth potential in me here. Of course I’m sticking with my decision since it’s been something I’ve wanted to do for so long, (not to mention I’m committed to and excited about my next employer), but I can’t help but feel a teensy bit regretful. Someone please tell me this is normal? This is my first job, so my first time giving notice. I went to work so excited and hopeful this morning, but now I’m spending the afternoon reminding myself all of the reasons why this is a good decision…

    • Sydney Bristow

      So normal! This might sound stupid, but have you ever noticed when you are about to go in for a haircut that your hair suddenly starts looking really good? The future is unknown and the past can look so great and comfortable in comparison, even if it’s something you’ve wanted for so long.

      Congrats on the new beginnings!

    • CPA Lady

      Don’t mistake nostalgia for regret!

      I cried my eyes out because I was so sad to leave my last job, (including some really embarrassing crying in the office of the old grumpy partner who was in charge of the tax department– he told me I was a very valued employee and I just started bawling). But it was 100% the right decision, hands down. I’m so much happier and less stressed now.

    • Betty

      This is totally normal! It is an end to an era. You are on to better things, but that does not alter the fact that one chapter is ending, and it is ok to acknowledge that too. My advice: go out an celebrate!

    • Midtown

      Congrats! Totally normal. I knew my old job was no good for me and that there was no further growth potential but after I gave notice, i was still a little sad to be leaving the people who helped me learn to be a lawyer, my secretary, etc. BUT I LOVE MY NEW JOB. So it was definitely nostalgia.

    • Amy

      I just changed jobs (it was far from my first job change) and went through the same thing. I chose to make a change because despite many promises about how they were going to create a new position for me that would allow me to do what I specialize in, I stayed stuck in a generalist position and was never going to advance either in the organization, or in my field unless I made some kind of a move. When I gave notice, my boss’ boss went into all these laments about how if I had just “given it more time” they would have “worked it all out.” Which did make me pause. But – they had four years to “work it out” and nothing happened, and nothing was in-progress. My new job pays a lot more, will allow me to do exactly the kind of high-level work I want to do, and also allowed me to jettison out of my daily life a lot of things I didn’t like about my old job.

      Changing jobs is like breaking up with someone – change is hard, and you will have moments of nostalgia where you think “it wasn’t so bad; maybe I should just stay.” In those moments, you have to stay focused on why you wanted to leave in the first place. In my case, before I accepted my new offer, I made a list: what do I love about my current job and what do I hate about it. Then I made another list: what is great about my new job, and what scares me about it. Seeing it all on paper made it super-clear that I needed to take the new offer. I kept a picture of the list on my phone so I could look at it during my last 3 weeks at work, when people would talk about how sad they were that I was leaving, or when I would start to have second thoughts. You’re young and you can do anything! The world’s your oyster. :-) Make the change and don’t look back.

  14. Lazy chef

    I recently got a gift of some very nice stainless All-Clad frying pans. Any pointers?

    So far I just seem to be burning things, or getting food stuck, and worry worry about damaging them. I’m used to non-stick. I cook often, am not a natural cook and would love to improve, am a very good baker and follow recipes well.

      • Lazy chef

        Great link – I was aware of “hot spots” but thought that All Clad pans would some how magically transfer heat around so efficiently that this would not be an issue!

        So that reference is very helpful and makes me understand how important it is to mix like the chefs and move the pan around as you cook…. I never thought of it before.

        Thanks.

      • Amy

        I still have the full set of All-Clad pans my husband and I splurged on almost 20 years ago when we got married. They will last a lifetime if properly cared for.

        If you’re used to cooking on nonstick, it is a change. Remember that medium to medium-high heat is usually plenty for most recipes that don’t need a hard sear (and very few recipes do). All-Clad pans retain heat for a long time so once they’re hot, they stay hot. Also remember, once the pan is hot and the oil is hot (but not smoking!) and you put the meat (chicken, fish, pork chops, beef, etc.) – it will release from the bottom of the pan on its own when it’s cooked. If you try to move something and it sticks, stop. When the fond (crust) on the bottom of the food is fully developed it will release on its own. If oil is smoking or food is burning before that happened, your heat is too high; turn it down. High heat doesn’t help things cook faster; just more unevenly and you’ll burn things. It took me a LONG time to learn that lesson.

        We never put our pans in the dishwasher. Let the pans cool down before you submerge them in water for washing. Remember to scrub the outside of the pans as well as the inside, especially around the handle (my husband was terrible at this for a long time). And as Lazy Chef said, Barkeeper’s Friend is great for keeping the pans looking good, although you shouldn’t use it every time.

        Congrats on the acquisition. I love mine and will probably never buy pans again.

      • Amy

        And yes – definitely no eggs in the All-Clad stainless. We have a GreenPan ceramic nonstick pan for eggs.

    • AZCPA

      The most common error with less experienced cooks is to use too low of a heat. This encourages sticking. You need more heat so that your food forms a “crust” and doesn’t stick. Another issue is trying to turn food too often – less it cook thoroughly on one side and then turn, rather than turning over and over. Stainless is REALLY hard to damage.

    • Anon

      I just got some of the stainless All-Clad back in October and have noticed the same – at first, lots of things burn and stick, but I’ve been able to clean them back to their typical stainless sparkle with just water and comet (no scrubbing brush or pads, because I don’t want to damage them.) I just soak with the water and comet and then wash with a soft sponge. I’ve also noticed that they seem to be building up a little bit of a seasoning with each use, and things seem to be sticking less.

      • Sydney Bristow

        And Bar Keepers Friend is now your friend when cleaning a pan that something stuck to.

    • Lazy chef

      Thanks for your input. I had thought I was using ?too high heat since things were burning. I have a gas stove.

      What oil do you guys use in these pans, using high heat? How high is high heat for you? Do you add oil before or after hearing the pan?

      I’m usually good about letting things cook on one side before flipping, but I want that perfect browned surface…

      • Sydney Bristow

        Add the oil after heating the pan. The water method will make clear whether it’s too cold or too hot.

        Basically you drop 1 drop of water in the pan after it’s been heating a bit. When the droplet stays together in droplet form and glides around the pan, you’ve reached the ideal temp. I can’t remember whether it sizzles or evaporates to mean too hot or too cold, but neither of those is the correct temp. You want the gliding water droplet before you put anything in the pan.

      • SC

        If you’re cooking on high heat, use an oil with a high smoke point like canola oil. I usually put the oil on the meat, then salt and pepper, for a thorough coating, then spray the pan as well with a canola oil spray. If that’s not possible (like cooking meatballs), I use plenty of oil in the pan (but prefer cast iron or enameled cast-iron for this). On my gas stove, if using a stainless steel pan to cook meat, I use medium-high heat on the regular burners. Like others have said, I let the meat cook all the way on one side then flip.

        The other thing that may be happening is that small bits of food are burning. In that case, add liquid (wine, stock, or vegetables with a high water content like onions or tomatoes) to the pan and scrape up the browned bits before they burn. It makes a good base for a sauce as well. In fact, this type of cooking is my favorite thing to do in a stainless steel pan. If you don’t want to do that, you can put water in your still-hot pan and scrape up browned or burned bits after you remove the meat to make it easier to clean.

        If all this fails, and you have burned bits on your pan, use Barkeeper’s Friend plus elbow grease. It’s an abrasive cleaner, so it’s not really good for your pan if you use it every time you cook, but if you’ve messed up, Barkeeper’s Friend will get it looking good again.

    • Nessie

      Once you cook something and see fond (the tasty crusties), make sure to deglaze the pan while it’s still hot. Even if I’m not making a pan sauce, I usually add sherry, wine, broth or water to the pan and scrape up the fond. It makes cleaning it much faster when it’s cool.

      I use canola oil for any sustained high heat. Look for something with a high smoke point. I usually sautee things around medium-high on my gas stove.

      • Anon

        Yes, making a quick pan sauce is the best way to clean your pan. That stuff that is hard to scrub off tastes good!

        I should add that because All Clad distributes heat really well, after your pan reaches the temp you want and the food is in, turn the heat down to medium. You’ll get a feel for this over time, but as a rule, with pans that retain heat (cast iron and cladded) you actually use a lower heat.

    • Anon

      Don’t forget to add enough fat. Things shouldn’t stick if you have fat and heat. Put olive oil into the pan. If you want to measure, use 1-2Tb. Heat over medium high until the oil starts to shimmer. You can test with a drop of water if you feel unsure. Does the water sizzle? now is the time to add your meat or whatever you’re cooking. Make sure any meat you add is patted dry, and if possible, has sat on the counter for 15 minutes or so (I know not always possible) to get the chill off.

  15. Betty

    Curious on the hive’s take on this: I am on a non-profit board that generally meets in the evening on the first Tuesday of the month. For February, the meeting was moved to Feb. 14 with no explanation for the deviation from the schedule and a glib “hope you didn’t have plans.” Everyone on the board is married and middle-ish age (oof, adding myself to that category) and many have children. I’ve been married for nearly 13 years, and I don’t expect an over-the-top Valentine’s Day, but my husband and I do try to make a special meal for the kids and spend the evening together, even if it is after the kids go to bed. I feel a bit like a wistful, romantic teen asking for asking the meeting to be rescheduled or saying that I won’t be able to attend. On the other hand, this seems like an almost bitter move on the part of the organizer. Any thoughts?

    • CountC

      You do have plans, they just aren’t concrete yet. I would simply let them know you will not be able to attend.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s fine to say you have plans and not attend, if you want to spend Valentine’s Day with your husband. I do think it’s a little silly to ask for the meeting to be rescheduled, since most adults don’t really make a big deal about V-day.

      • mascot

        +1. Give the benefit of the doubt that there is a reason that this needs to be moved to this day and I say this as board officer who is in charge of scheduling meetings. There may be a dozen reasons that this meeting got bumped and none of them have to do with Valentines (e.g., 3 board members have standing Wednesday night commitments and the executive director needs a vote before the 15th). My kid will be a sugary mess that day from school parties so this isn’t always a fun family evening for us.

    • ace

      I had a board meeting planned for 2nd Tuesday of the month that we deliberately changed from 2/14 — so I think changing TO 2/14 is weird.

    • Amy

      I’ve been on boards that do stuff like this. I don’t go when they change meetings at the last minute, schedule meetings for weird times (6:30 a.m.? Is that a joke? Ditto 9 p.m.) or schedule meetings on holidays. I was on a board once where they tried to schedule a meeting on the morning of Christmas Eve! Um, NOPE. Tell them you have plans and can’t attend. I will bet you that at least 2/3, if not 90%, of the rest of the board will do the same thing (that’s always what happens with my boards). Hopefully the nonprofit will get the message not to do this again. If you do show up, I can almost guarantee there won’t be a quorum and no substantive work will happen anyway. P.S., in addition to sitting on nonprofit boards, I’ve also worked for a nonprofit…we never, ever would have scheduled our board members for a meeting on the evening of Valentine’s Day. Very impolite.

  16. Keeping track of projects and tasks

    I’m in a new role where I have to keep an eye on many projects at once (~25-50). In addition, I have lots of ad hoc tasks and issues that pop up that I have to keep an eye on. I’m struggling to find a system that helps me keep track of what needs to be done when. I’ve played around with using Trello, Excel, Evernote, Wunderlist, and using Tasks on Outlook, but nothing feels universal or not overly burdensome.

    I want some kind of integrated dashboard that shows all of my immediate to-dos but also links to-dos together and/or connects them to their projects. Any ideas? Is it one of the above tools that I just haven’t figured out how to work right yet?

      • Low Tech FTW

        +1000. Sometimes low tech works best.

        I manage 10-20 active projects at all times. I tried all the shiny apps and programs, but find a combination white board and a “bullet journal” (ugh hate this term and how a good concept got Pinterest-ized) work best for me.

        White board has all projects with their major components, important deadlines, who’s working on it, etc. listed. I use a college ruled spiral notebook (so glamorous!…not) and on a fresh right hand page every Monday, list all the active project that week and what needs to be done on each project. I break the left hand page into five sections and use that for daily task list. Finished tasks get crossed off. Unfinished ones get migrated to the next day’s or next week’s list.

        • Low Tech FTW

          For ad hoc tasks, I add them to the weekly list page–either under project for project-specific or in the margins for random one off tasks. Then they get delegated to the daily to do list.

    • Anon

      My system is pretty low tech. I get most of my to-dos by email so I move them to a folder I created called to-do.

      At the end of every work day I make a to-do list In order of priority for the next day. I have a paper journal for this. I also write all my meeting and phone notes in the same journal. Basically, it’s a blank journal and I write the date at the top of a page and do my list of to-do’s for tomorrow, then the same page may or may not end up with more to-dos during the day, and will definitely end up with my notes.

      It’s nice to end a day with a clear eyed look at what I need to get started on when I get to work the next day. It helps me not worry about work in the evening after I get home because I feel organized and ready to hit it.

      I also have a section in my journal for major goals by month. So the project may be “discovery for xyz” to be completed in January, but yesterday’s task on my to-do list would have been something like “emails for xyz.”

      If I don’t finish a to do today, it goes on tomorrow’s list.

      This is a lot like bullet journaling except I’ve been doing it longer and have my own style.

      Oh and the to-do box in my email. When I finish something, it gives me great pleasure to take those emails out of the To Do box and archive them.

  17. Shower Curtain

    I need a new shower curtain, and love some of the ones I’ve seen from Anthropologie, but am balking at the idea of paying $80 for a shower curtain (is that a normal price these days? I saw some Etsy ones that were similarly priced). Any suggestions on where to find a similar style for less?

      • cc

        Homegoods, tj max or marshals all have pretty ones. Would never in my life spend 80 bucks on one

    • Jules

      I have one that I love unreasonably and it cost about $17 on Amazon. Look for the Interdesign brand. I have the blue and gray “forest” design, but there are lots of others, some for $12. That may not be the style you want, though – what I have is a smooth woven fabric but feels like a synthetic, not floaty cotton that I think of when I hear Anthropologie – but there are lots of choices

      Also seconding Target, and try TJ Maxx/Home Goods.

    • Delta Dawn

      Tip for buying inexpensive shower curtains– I always use Target/Homegoods, etc. but sometimes find the shower curtain to be less impactful than I want. A little flimsy, or not as much material as I’d like. Now I always buy two of them (which is fine since they’re so inexpensive) and hang them together as if they are one curtain. Sometimes I stitch them together in the middle, but it’s not always necessary. Often they can hang together and look fine even not stitched into one piece. I find this makes them look higher-end and more substantial.

    • Anon

      Urban Outfitter, H&M Home, Zara Home, sometimes The Company Store has decent sales. Also got one at World Market that I liked a lot.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      You can get one for much, much less. On the other hand, if you love it, I’ve had shower curtains last 10+ years so if you are having trouble finding something else you love and can afford it then go for it.

      • Midtown

        +1

        I used to get the cheap ones that were clear, but then bought one at BBB for $30-40 and it’s held up over so many years and doesn’t get gross like the cheaper ones I would throw out every year or 6 months.

        • SC

          You can wash the cheap shower curtains when they get gross. Put it in the washing mashing with two towels and detergent, hang to dry.

  18. NotATechie

    I had a senior level position in a tech company that got acquired (I managed a small department within finance/accounting) and in integrating us with the acquirer, they are going to offer me a step down in title and possibly in pay also (total package is less though they are trying to mask that by the mix).
    My own feelings about it are mixed:
    I dislike the culture of the new company, and not a fan of new boss, but can’t leave unless I have something better in hand and that could take a year. It’s a better brand name company so more well known, but I’ll have less responsibility.

    Advice on how to deal when the conversation happens?
    I’d like to communicate that I deserve my current title, have had a similar role in a large company in the past (so high title is not just because it’s a small company).
    How bad does it look on your resume when you go up a title and then later go down?

    • Anonymous

      So, this is second hand experience, but:

      A company I worked for was acquired a few years ago by a major name in defense contracting. My boss, who had been VP of somesuch in the small company was reassigned as Manager of XYZ Business Group for the new company. Yes, less breadth of responsibility, but oversight of more people, bigger budgets, integration into a bigger organization, etc. It was a net positive for career growth despite the title step-down.

      The HR manager was integrated into the giant corporate HR machine as basically an individual contributor with no managerial responsibilities, but was promoted very quickly to a manager role and over a much bigger team than she would have had pre-acquisition. Net positive for her, too.

      All that to say, definitely advocate for a higher title and more responsibility, but if it doesn’t work out immediately you may still get a career win out of it. I never liked the culture of the new company, and that definitely never got any better. So keep looking, regardless, if that’s important to you. I don’t think title is that important — when you’re interviewing, you explain that your company was acquired etc etc.

    • Anon

      I would also make a pitch for a higher title and more responsibility – immediately if possible, but if they don’t agree, then I would ask for a plan to get there over the next six months. I would also start looking for a new opportunity, but as you note, that could take a while. Good luck to you!

  19. Sam

    Reporting back on a bonanza from uniqlo! Not a shill but I rarely have so much success with clothing in one single store and never have the patience to browse.
    I bought a bunch of things, mostly on sale, and they were all pretty great. Merino wool V neck sweater, cotton-cashmere blend sweater (~5% cashmere but it’s soft and reasonably priced cotton, so I’ll take it), tried their heattech tights which are thin and yet warm at the same time. (I had to size down in the tights while I usually have to size up for their other stuff, which was surprising.) Got a turtleneck sleeveless top on clearance because it had a small makeup stain on it which washed off. Finally, I got some cotton underwear, the holy grail for me, hipster/boyshorts and it gives good coverage (sized up for this). Going back for more, maybe will try their bras and another pair of tights.

    • anon

      man, I love scoring a good deal at uniqlo! I’ve gotten items that I wouldn’t normally try and trendier pieces that have turned into favorites.

    • AEK

      The unfortunately named Heatech “Leggings Pants” are my new favorite. They are not leggings at all; they’re twill-ish 5-pocket pants that just happen to be slim with some stretch. Like the Pixie but way better (for me).

  20. Yoga pants

    Can anyone recommend a good pair of yoga pants with two key features – drawstring and zip pocket?

  21. Anon in Academia

    All of the posts about concerns about alcoholism and drinking this week have me thinking about what a bubble I live in. Someone linked to this WaPo chart earlier: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/09/25/think-you-drink-a-lot-this-chart-will-tell-you/?utm_term=.780acfcabd00. Nearly all of my close friends and family are above the eightieth percentile of drinkers!

    I’m not concerned about my own drinking, but if the survey data WaPo reports is accurate, I have a very skewed sense of typical American drinking behavior. Among my family, friends from growing up, friends from college (especially), friends from grad school, and colleagues, it’s very common for people to drink everyday and to drink heavily at special events.

    Is this just a matter of people tending to hang out with people who are similar? When I go to conferences and see people in my extended network, they often seem to drink even more than people who I see regularly.

    Others have said that many commenters on this site are functional alcoholics. Are high-achieving people skewed toward heavy drinking? Or is it that high achieving people tend to live in cities with more of a drinking culture? Do you all feel that survey data on drinking behavior matches up with your perceptions?

    • kiki

      I agree most people I know drink a lot. I probably know a lot of alcoholics. I do think it is related to earnings, stress, and urban living. It is jus the culture we are in. But I also know a lot of people who don’t drink at all. I agree with the charts that it is two extremes.

    • Anonymous

      I habitually drink a glass of wine with dinner every day. When I noticed I was having two glasses on a fairly regular basis – once or twice a week – I decided to take a break. No wine in the fridge, I’m not buying any more for at least a month. I’m on day three but I don’t eat out very often and do control what goes in the grocery cart, so I think it will be easy enough to change my habit.

      I don’t think I’m a problem drinker – I don’t get hangovers, don’t drive drunk, don’t act obnoxious. But my partner has maybe one drink a month, and watching him watch me pour myself a glass of wine each evening started to make me feel self-conscious, and made me more inclined to drink when he wasn’t around rather than when he was. That’s a red flag, IMO.

      It can’t possibly hurt a person to drink less, and if you have any concern about your drinking, it might be a good idea to really explore that.

    • Anon

      Really interesting. I’m probably in the 8th decile which is kind of shocking!

      I can’t imagine how the 10th decile people function!

  22. Shrill

    I work in a cubicle farm where you can hear every conversation anyone has even when they’re speaking in their indoor voice. Today, in a moment of excitement, I accidentally spoke louder than I should’ve and got aggressively told to “quiet down” complete with the finger over mouth “shhhh” by the LOUDEST man in the office. I was mortified and still can’t shake how patronizing it was. I admit that I was too loud – but it was a special moment on a Friday afternoon and I don’t think I hurt anyone’s work in those few moments. Walking home, it’s occurred to me that I’ve never heard a woman tell a man in a professional environment to quiet down. Nor do I hear my coworkers complain about loud men in the way that they do loud women – even though I can count more disruptive men. Ugh. Any anecdotes or thoughts welcome. I’m stewing.

    • Anon

      No just make sure you tell him to quiet down at some point in the future. If he’s the loudest man in the office it’ll happen sooner rather than later. He’ll either think it’s funny or get the point, but you should definitely do this.

      Mostly you should not let this DOOSH ruin your weekend.

    • Anonymous

      Not long ago a man asked me to stop typing notes in an intense CLE-type class, because he found the noise distracting. Seriously, dude? We were like 6 ft away from the lecturer, no genuine issue with a poor sound system or anything. Apparently taking notes is no longer a thing people do?

      Like you, I was shaken all day–there were tears in private. Didn’t figure out till later that a big part of what bothered me was the fact that I don’t think he ever would have said that to a man. Honestly, I’m still angry, even though I’ll probably never see him again.

      • Anonymous

        I really hate when people are typing notes in any class. It is very distracting to me. By the way, there is research that supports handwriting notes over typing.

        • Anonymous

          Typing is much more effective for me. Especially since I lack a muscle in my hand that impacts my ability to write well.

        • ELS

          That’s great that there’s research.

          You also don’t get to ask someone to stop typing notes because it’s better to handwrite, or because you happen to not like typing. The sound of typing can be annoying, yes. But we now take notes via computer pretty much universally.

          Don’t shame someone else’s choices with “research” because you don’t like them.

          • Anonymous

            It is still rude. I wouldn’t say anything, but you are being rude. Especially since you know it is annoying. Stay home and watch online.

          • Bacon Anon

            Yeah….no. Typing notes instead of handwriting is not rude. It’s just not. That’s not a breach of etiquette.

            Can you have ready aggressive typers or mechanical keyboard (usually not a laptop thing, tho) that are loud, sure? But you can have really annoying hand-writers too – lots of pen clicking and paper rustling, etc.

            I get that you find it annoying, but that doesn’t automatically make it rude. You might have a form of misphonia though, if it’s a sound that is so distracting you can’t focus on anything else.

    • Anon for this

      Here’s a story. Normally we meet with clients in conference rooms. I needed to type while meeting with a client so we met in my office with the door closed. I could hear my boss telling a very loud personal story outside my door. I politely went in the hall, swung my door, and let him know I was with clients. I thought he would want to know and would be embarrassed later if I didn’t tell him. He got SO PISSED. We got in a full on yelling argument about it at the end of the day. The argument included gems about not telling your boss to be quiet. My boss is normally awesome but this hurt me so much. I ended up in tears for at least an hour at home that night.

      I started looking for a new job based on that incident and have a second interview in Feb! We have since made up and he even knows that I’m looking to go in house (long story) but doesn’t know why.

      • Shrill

        Yeah, I feel like your story confirms what I suspect – that men would never tolerate being told to quiet down in the workplace by a woman but seem to think it’s ok to do it to us. Now that I sit back and reflect its always men, no matter how loud they themselves are, complaining about “chatty” women disturbing them in my office. The men are objectively more loud.

      • ITDS

        Wow. I am an admin, I sit in a cube, and I’ve told (male) bosses loudly talking near me that I was on the phone with a client and would they pipe down, and they did, much chagrined. It must be because our office expects scolding nanny type behavior from admins.

  23. shamlet96

    Does anyone have happy stories of making a serious career sacrifice for their SOs and coming out on the other side of it doing well? SO and I are pretty serious after 9 months and talking about next steps (engagement, TTC), with the barrier being we live 2.5 hours apart. We’ve discussed living in between as a temporary solution, but given his job prospects (he’ll be up for partner at his law firm this year and has been told only positive things about his chances), I will probably be the one who has to move if we go forward. Problem is, I have an amazing, prestigious, hard to get job and will have to give that up. In 38 years, I’ve never had to make an academic/career decision that wasn’t in my own best interests, so I’m struggling with this a bit right now. Any and all positive inspiration welcome. :)

    • Anon

      I had to kind of switch gears in my career in order for my now-husband and I to stay in the same city (I’d planned to apply for jobs/fellowships abroad, but his career is very tied to the city in which we met). When we were at about the same point in our relationship as you are now, we discussed what it would mean for us if I were to move away. As a result of those conversations, I decided to pursue an alternative career path so that I could stay in the city. We’re now happily married and my career, while different than what I’d originally envisioned, is going very well.

      I think that this worked for us for a couple of reasons. One was that while he told me how he felt about my moving away (that is, he preferred that I not do so), I made my own decision, made peace with the opportunities that I was giving up, and moved on. He didn’t pressure me either way, and I don’t resent him for the choice that I made. The other is that I had available other career opportunities that were fulfilling to me, so like I said, my career isn’t what I expected, but overall I’m happy with it. It sounds like that might not be the case for you. And at the end of the day, this sounds corny, but I really thought that my life was better with him in it than without him, so I made choices to prioritize our relationship.

    • Senior Attorney

      I would absolutely not even consider making the move until he has actually made partner at his firm. And I’m a little unclear as to why, even if he makes partner, that trumps your amazing, prestigious, hard to get job?

      • shamlet96

        long story, but he’s basically unwilling to move here for a host of reasons in addition to his job – his entire immediate family and a slew of close friends live there, and he thinks my city (L.A.) “is a zoo.” I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that if I want us to stay together, I will be the one who has to move.

        • Senior Attorney

          Ah. That’s tough. If you concede the point now I feel like it puts him one-up on you in terms of power in the relationship and I’m not sure that’s where I’d like to be in your place.

          Honestly, I wouldn’t offer to move. I’d wait for him to be dying to marry me and be with me, and then I would ask him for suggestions about how to resolve the conflict without either of you giving up your jobs.

          • Anon

            Also, my view is that there has to be give-and-take in a two career household. Sometimes the group makes a choice that benefits one person, and then other times they make the choice that benefits the other person. His personal reasons for wanting to stay where he is will not change, so this isn’t a situation where you get a kick-a** opportunity somewhere else in 5 years and the balance shifts and he moves for you.

          • ELS

            +1 to Anon and Senior Attorney.

            I moved to a new area with my then-fiance no-husband for his job. I gave up some opportunities, and could have had a more prestigious legal career in my old location (though I’ve got more practical skills now than I would have there, I think). We are 100% better off as a couple financially and stability-wise after the move. We’ve been here for almost 6 years.

            Like your SO, my husband has very personal reasons for wanting to live in the general area where we now do. He recognized and continues to recognize the opportunity cost for me to make the move, and has done everything he can to support my career advancement in our new location.

            I was in a different position in my relationship (4 years in) and my career (toward the beginning) when our move happened, which made the decision a little easier.

        • Anonymous

          So even if he doesn’t make partner and has to find a new job anyway, he still wouldn’t move?

          • ArenKay

            I think that tells you everything you need to know. He loves where he lives more than he loves you.

          • anon

            I wouldn’t move for someone who valued their lifestyle over our relationship, which is basically what he’s telling you. He would let you leave a prestigious, awesome job to accommodate his desire to live in the same town as his buddies. That’s… not the mindset I’d want of someone I was thinking about marrying and having a family with.

          • biglaw

            Plus making partner is no guarantee of longevity at the firm. Several junior partners in my office have told me that the firm is cutting their comp because they’re insufficiently productive. Apparently 2200 hours and hundreds of biz dev isn’t enough.

      • Mountains

        Omg, please don’t give up your amazing job if it would be really hard to get another one. He is not guaranteed to make partner, and speaking of partners, is he being an equal one to you?

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I agree with Senior Attorney. I don’t think it necessarily means giving up your amazing job. Depending on the position, see if working from home is an option a few days a week or have a small studio apartment near your current job. Also, I wouldn’t make a life decision for a boyfriend, only a fiancé or husband.

      • shamlet96

        oh, ITA – none of this would happen until/unless he proposed. Unfortunately teleworking is not an option for either of us, so I would have to get a small apartment as you suggested. I don’t know if that’s tenable long term, though, you know?

        • lawsuited

          I know a couple with 3 kids that spend 4 days a week in different cities and have been doing it for years. It’s not easy, but they’ve made it work.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t move for someone who wasn’t prepared to move for me but ymmv of course. If you do move, at a minimum you should get a new house/apartment together (unless you love his place) and your interests/comfort should dictate the new house. If he is a big law partner and you’re talking tcc then be aware that it’s highly likely that you will end up being the primary parent. If things didn’t work out and you had kids you would likely not be allowed to move. Never have kids anywhere you are not prepared to live for 18 years. You may want a prenup where he agrees that he won’t fight you moving back post kids if it doesn’t work out.

      • Anon for this

        2 Things. Pre nups about child custody or child support are void for public policy reasons in most states. Second, you can always move, the court can just prevent you from taking the kids with you. For some people, that means they are stuck in state. Others move and are fine being the non-custodial parent.

    • Anon

      IDK why this is my first impression — but I get the feeling he may be using the partner thing as a way to not upset his life at all. Of course he can’t move until he finds out whether he makes partner or not. If he doesn’t, he’ll likely have to leave his firm in a yr or 2 anyway. If he does, it opens up other job opportunities for him that aren’t open to 10th yr associates — meaning he can lateral to another firm as partner and/or go in house more easily than an associate. Sure these moves could take a yr or 2 but more and more junior partners are making them.

      Law isn’t how it was in the 80s. No longer is it true that you make partner at your original firm and then stay for 30 more yrs. Partners move on to other firms bc it’s to their own benefit and partners get pushed out and forced to move nowadays. Just keep this in mind. I’m not suggesting he should move vs. you — but when you’re discussing it, don’t buy any argument that he can’t possibly move bc his career will end bc it isn’t true. Plus you’re asking him to move to LA where there are approximately a million law firms and Fortune 500s – it’s not like you’re taking him to rural Idaho where his only hope at a career is to be a part time associate in the legal office of Joe Schmoe.

      • Scarlett

        Agreed. Just overall, I wouldn’t move for someone who wasn’t even willing to consider moving for me. It may be trite, but you want to be with someone who can’t live without you and if he won’t move to be with you, he’s not that person. At 38, I totally get wanting him to be the guy, but it just doesn’t sound like he’s as into the relationship if he’s not willing to move for you too.

      • anon

        +1 to all of this. I say this as someone who hates living in big cities. It may be helpful to talk about long-term vs. short-term goals. Living in LA doesn’t have to be the endgame, right? You live in LA for a few years until you’re able to get better flexibility at work or find another job in a better location or whatever. Someone who’s unwilling to tolerate a relatively minor short-term inconvenience like living in a city that’s not ideal is not someone I would want as my life partner.

    • lawsuited

      You should still only move if it’s in your best interest. You get to use whatever combination of criteria you want to decide your best interest – what’s best for your career, what’s best for your finances, what’s best for your mental health, what’s best for your personal life, and so on.

      You know him and your relationship best, but it would give me pause that he is categorically unwilling to move for you. I would have thought that if you were both similarly committed and motivated, you’d both be equally willing to move for the other although the ultimate decision would be based on practical factors in favour of one person moving over the other.

    • Anon

      I gave up two serious career opportunities with my previous employer that would have required me to move across the country. Before I met my husband I had expressed interest in such a move, but when the opportunity finally came, we had just become engaged and my then-fiancé said he wouldn’t move.

      Then after we had our first child, a similar opportunity came up and again, he said he wouldn’t move so I turned it down. We stayed in our city and I stayed in the same job, which I liked, but which had no promotion opportunity. By the way, I have always outearned my husband and he was even a SAHD for a few years. He’s just really stubborn about moving I guess. I won’t say I didn’t hold a grudge about this because I really did for a long time.

      During the financial crisis I thought I might lose my job and got an initial offer with another firm about a 7 hour drive away. Husband didn’t want to move but I put my foot down and said we must. We can’t live where we live on your salary. He grudgingly agreed but complained constantly about it. And then, in the last stage of negotiating the offer fell apart and we didn’t move. I can’t really blame that one on him at all, but the complaining was hard to live with during the 1 month we were dealing with all of that. And at the end of the day, he got his way.

      In hindsight I wish I hadn’t caved to him every time because the fact is, now he thinks he gets to make all the decisions about where we live.

      If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t give up a job I loved. I really wouldn’t. Maybe this guy is just geographically undesirable.

      You don’t want to establish the kind of my-way-or-the-highway dynamic I describe above.

      • anon

        I’m really sorry you’ve had this experience. Fwiw, I went through something similar and the complaining never ended. It was so draining to constantly hear about how much he hated our house and our town and his commute. It made me feel like he hated his life with me. Like I wasn’t worth those minor inconveniences. Something like that never seems like enough to leave but man, I’d think twice before I’d get involved with someone who was making those noises at the outset.

    • Anonymous

      When I started dating my husband, who was in grad school getting his PhD, I knew that I would have to move with him, potentially a few times. The reality of academia is that even the best and brightest have very little control over where they go. My husband got his PhD at a Top 5 school and even at his school, the vast majority of students apply to close to 100 postdoctoral positions and are lucky if they get two or three offers. And faculty jobs are even harder to get than postdocs. So if he wanted to stay in academia, and we wanted to stay together, me moving was inevitable.

      Overall, things have worked out pretty well for us. We were long-distance while he did a two-year postdoc, which was tough but we survived. He obtained a tenure-track position at a great school, and we moved there together. It was a little hard on my career for a while, but I’ve now settled into a great career I love, although it is different (and a lot lower-paying) than the career I had before.

      Although it might not seem like it, my husband has made some sacrifices for me. When job searching, he didn’t apply to international positions or jobs in the deep south where I felt like I couldn’t live. He works with a lot of people in Europe and Australia, so foregoing international positions in particular limited his career options. And although the school he’s at now is very well-regarded (Top 25ish), if we were not together he would probably eventually try to move to an even better school. But he recognizes that it is not fair to expect me to give up a great job just so he can move from a school that’s ranked #25 to a school that’s #15. We’ve also mutually decided that if he does not get tenure (which – knock on wood – seems unlikely) we will jointly make a decision about whether we move for him to try to continue his career at another school or stay put for my career while he starts over outside of academia. So, yes, I’ve been the “trailing spouse” but his career would also look pretty different if it weren’t for me.

      All that said, academia is pretty unique in terms of having no control over where you go. Your guy is a lawyer. He can work anywhere and it’s especially easy to move within the same state. It sounds like this is not really about career but more about not wanting to leave friends and family and a city he likes. And I would totally balk at someone who expected me to give up a prestigious job I enjoyed because he didn’t want to move away from his city. If your job is more unique and harder to obtain than his job – which it sounds to me like it is – than I think he’s got to be the one that moves. I would not move for him in your shoes.

    • Anonymous

      I feel like I need more information about your circumstances, but generally agree that I think he should at least be considering a move to LA. Not because he should want to move there “for you” but he needs to be willing to compromise as a general rule in order to have a good relationship. If you have been 2.5 hours apart for the entire relationship, how well do you *really* know what he’s like day to day? I would be relunctant to give up an awesome job unless you think you can get it back.
      I don’t know what your job is, but if it’s USAO or similar, lots of federal agencies allow teleworking 2-3 days a week if you could find an agency closer to him.
      And if you’re ultimate plan is to be a SAHM even for a few years, I think you take your chances and move. I hate to say it, but you have a limited amount of time and you need to weigh that in. Would you rather keep your job and potentially stay single and childless? I don’t mean to be alarmist, but I think that’s a possibility.

  24. unfurnished or furnished?

    Making a move that might be for only 1-2 yrs or it might be indefinite, I won’t know for at least a year into the move. It seems that apartment pricing isn’t much different for a furnished rental vs. unfurnished. Torn on what to do and whether it’s gross to live on furniture that someone has previously also lived on, as well as whether it’s a waste of money and time to pick out/buy/handle delivery of furniture that might have to be donated or sold in a short time period.

    Thoughts/Experiences?

    • Quality

      I would just move with the furniture I have now, live economically in a studio/small one bedroom, while your future becomes more certain and only then buy more things as needed. Slowly.

      If you knew for sure it would be a short, temporary stay, I absolutely would live in a furnished rental if it was reasonably priced. Why not?!?!

      My apartment is filled with a bunch of antiques, handmade bookcases, and artsy unique pieces. Most are previously used. Those are my nicest pieces.

      I certainly would not waste money buying poor quality overpriced new furniture that I would lose hundreds if not thousands of dollars on by getting rid of it quickly.

      Live simply, economically, until your future becomes clear, and save save save.

      • unfurnished or furnished?

        currently living with borrowed furniture so I do not currently have anything to move with. Would either need to move into somewhere furnished, live in a cheap motel while buying pieces and hiring someone to assemble/deliver them, or spend about $1000 to buy an apartment set up from a discount furniture store in the new area.

      • EM84

        I have experience with both. I had my own furniture (small collection) and had to move to a different country. As an expat, my company paid for a spaceous furnished apartment (there were no decent unfurnished apartments available) and I used one of the rooms as my private warehouse. I was supposed to stay for 1-2 years, but I ended up moving again within one year window. In the next country, unfurnished apartments are the standard and I happily unpacked my furniture and bought some new pieces (I had enough time to search and buy everything online and in advance). When I will be moving again, I will consider what is the local standard (is it easy to find a furnished apartment in a style I prefer?) and then decide. The way I see it is that whether furnished or unfurnished, you still have to buy some new pieces – either small (like a new matress or extra chest of drawers) or you have to buy the while circus. If you do not want to invest heavily in a furniture you do not love/don’t have time to choose/have already enough stress, then go for a furnished apartment. It will take some pressure off your shoulders.

      • Dahlia

        I live in a furnished rental in Boston. It’s totally fine. I like the general look of it, and it started to feel like “my stuff” pretty quickly. My boyfriend said I should bring my own towels and sheets since he thought it was gross to use stuff that other people had used, but I didn’t think it was any different from a hotel and just washed them all well before I used them.

    • Anonymous

      Price it out. In my experienice (10+ years ago) the break even point was only about 4 months. A year in it’s way cheaper to buy, even if you don’t even sell the furniture.

  25. Car rec

    Anyone own a bmw 4 series coupe? We are buying a car this weekend with a bit less notice than I was expecting. Looking at the 4 door AWD option if that matters.

    It’s replacing DH’s sedan, primarily back roads and highway driving to work. Needs to fit 2 car seats in a pinch but usually the kids go in the other car.

    We know people with 3 / 5 / 7 series but not the 4.

    • full of ideas

      If DH is over 5’10”, good luck getting a car seat in the seat behind him.

    • Anon

      I have this, but when I bought it, I don’t think there was a 4 door. So, I have a 2 door. Car seats would be tough in my car.

  26. kiki

    I would like a new handbag and I think it would cheer me up — something slouchy and hobo-ish. Something in a nice leather. Price range anywhere from $200-$700.

    Anyone bought a bag recently they love?

    • Anon

      Patricia Nash makes some unstructured bags. I bought one of her large totes (the bienvenuto convertible tote, or something like that) and I just love the leather. It reminds me of a saddle.

  27. Lolei

    Hi All & Happy Friday!
    I would really appreciate any tips on how I can get a teaching position that is fully REMOTE. It must be remote. I have a career in Marketing (7 years) and a Masters in Management. I am not particular about the course I would teach, it could be anything from Marketing to English, to Business to Career Development. Ideally I would like something that pays $20-$30k a year. That’s ideal. But I am certainly flexible as I know the pay/salary varies. Ideally adjunct professorship or teaching assistant etc. I am not picky on the title. FYI I do not have prior teaching experience or any publications or “connections.”/ I would appreciate if you have tips on how to accomplish this (other than just looking at school websites and looking for positions). I am looking for any insider tips, school recommendations for employment, suggestions on how to stand out – or what has worked for others. Thanks :)

    • Anonymous

      Making 20-30K a year teaching online classes as an adjunct is going to be difficult. Having no prior teaching experience will make getting adjunct positions harder. Teaching assistant positions usually go to graduate students in the institution.

      If you’re really serious about this, you should start with your alma mater and work your network there. You could also design some courses or course modules and have those available as samples of the kind of work you could do (read up on course design and consider enrolling in some inexpensive but well-reviewed online courses and make note of structure and design.) Consider spending a year building your teaching portfolio. You might contact schools in your area and ask if you can come as an unpaid guest speaker to get some practice and make some connections.

      But to be frank, “I’ve never taught before” and “I want to make 30K a year” and “All courses must be taught remotely” isn’t really a promising set of expectations.

    • ArenKay

      Academic here. “Adjunct” means you’re paid by the course, which is usually $2 – 3K (particularly for online). So if you want to earn enough adjuncting to get that salary (10 – 15 courses a year), you either have to do it at several schools, OR teach enough at a full school where you’d be full-time (and they’d have to pay your benefits; schools that like hiring adjuncts don’t want to do this). The downside of adjuncting at multiple schools to get your 20 – 30K salary is that you’d have a million preps (i.e. an Intro to Business class would have a different boilerplate syllabus at Phoenix than at DeVry and YourState U, e.g.). So I’m not sure this is a viable possibility. I’ve never heard of a TA position paying a salary to someone who wasn’t enrolled in their PhD program.

      You could look for Visiting positions (one-year term positions, usually renewable, usually no future vis-a-vis tenure) where you’d get salary and benefits. But I’m not sure those are available for fully remote positions (again, because schools that are into the remote thing are typically looking to shave costs and not cover benefits for somebody). YourStateUs might be a better option for that (typically because they’d care a scosh more about ratings and prestige than Phoenix et al). But in general, I’m just not thinking this is a viable plan.

      • ...

        +3 and + 4 and + 5 (I’m an academic and I asked 2 adjuncting friends about this so I’m including their response too in this list)

        In reality, the amount of work required for a $1000 course or even double that is typically not worth the effort if there’s an alternative option. Plus, no teaching experience is a major downfall and no PhD paired with no publications typically makes you an all around no. Any school that takes someone with such limited resume listings are likely not attracting stronger candidates which means either they exist somewhere uncommon (which means going in each day to teach) or it means the pay rate is so low that no one wants the jobs, which may mean you make minimum wage when you count the amount of time in prep, the amount of time working directly, the amount of time responding to students, the amount of time grading, and the amount of time handling school requirements.

        Sorry to be a downer but this sounds pretty impossible at the current time. Your only way to get there is either a PhD, numerous publications, and/or some epic connections at a school that focuses on online courses. Those would get you into the job, but that still might not pay you the rate you wanted, which could either never happen or require a lengthy time working before you’d earn that pay range.

        Hope this helps!

        • full of ideas

          This is exactly what my sister, who’s done it, said. But, maybe the best way to get experience is local junior or community colleges. Even offering to get them started with on-line learning can be a great way in.

    • Amy

      I have taught adjunct courses online. I quit doing it because it was way too much work for the minimal amount of money I got paid. These days, if you can get $2k for a class you’re doing pretty well. There is tremendous downward pressure on compensation, especially (it seems to me) at for-profit colleges. The more-prestigious institutions (sometimes) pay more, but with no teaching experience of any kind and just a master’s, those are off-limits to you until you get more education or more experience (or both). You’ll be limited to the for-profits and smaller JCs/community colleges in your area; maybe (MAYBE) you could get on at a smaller state university. Some of my classes were huge (by my standards – 40-50 enrollees was a lot to keep track of) and by the time I prepped the class, taught the class, graded papers, etc. from soup to nuts I was making, like, $10/hr. Bear in mind, I was doing this on top of having a full-time job and a family.

      I have friends who teach online adjunct and none of them are able to make a living at it. They either have a day job or they are working several gig-economy jobs – freelance/ghost writing; freelance graphic design; driving for Uber; running a full-time Airbnb, etc. It’s a sideline for all of them, because it’s just too hard to cobble together enough work, at the right times, to make household cash flow stay positive.

      P.S., a lot of schools want a Ph.D. even if you’re teaching 100-level classes. There are a lot of under-employed Ph.Ds out there, especially in the arts, and it’s not hard for a school to find someone with a doctorate who wants to teach. So just having a master’s may hold you back considerably. My friends who are consistently teaching online adjunct (again – as a sideline) all have Ph.Ds.

    • emeralds

      What you’re looking for does not exist. Sorry. You’re looking at $2k-3k per course, as noted above, IF you can out-compete a PhD holder for a job. Some for-profit and two-year schools may value your work experience enough to hire you, but they’ll pay at the bottom of the range.

      And believe me, I wish this was different! The way academia treats adjunct faculty is appalling.

    • Hollis

      Adjunct here getting paid $2k for a weekly seminar at NY local law school. Not doing it for the money since I’m also working full time as a lawyer. What is your objective here? If you want to teach, you could teach a class at a recreational or senior center, churches etc. If it’s about making money through teaching, I recommend SAY tutoring or reviewing college admissions essays. All of these can be done from places around the world. If working remotely is your main goal, I recommend recruiting or some kind of sales/information position, which you ca do from home.

    • CountC

      I teach a one night a week adjunct two credit class for $3k per semester. My class is capped at 18 students and it is still a lot of work. I get that online may be different in terms of workload, especially if you want to be a crappy teacher with little involvement. I agree with everyone else – not a viable option is a nice way of putting it.

    • Coach Laura

      Loeli — Another adjunct here but one with a separate career in addition. I wouldn’t say what you want is impossible – it’s just not likely to happen now or soon. First, you need experience. Getting the first position is always hardest. Second, accreditation rules govern what you would be able to teach. Most accreditors require that an instructor be either “academically qualified” or “professionally qualified.” For example, some require 18 graduate credit hours in the discipline to teach plus a masters in any area. So your Masters in Management would allow you to teach undergrad level marketing (professionally qualified due to work in the field) or management (academically qualified due to the master’s degree) but likely not finance and almost 100% certainty that you could not teach English. Third, the competition is stiff as others mentioned. And finally, you would most likely have to work full time or teach for 2 or more schools to reach that salary number.

      To find your first teaching gig, I recommend that you use your network and LinkedIn. I emailed every single girlfriend, acquaintance from volunteering, coworkers, former coworkers to ask if they knew anyone. I also asked my professors from grad school. My first online class came from a friend of a neighbor who was a Dean at a community college – she hired me on the spot without teaching experience but 20+ years of profession experience.

      Speaking of – try community colleges near where you live or work. Many do have online classes and their accreditors are often less stringent than four year colleges and universities. For example, I have a Finance concentration (e.g. >18 credits) for my MBA but in my state I can teach almost any 100-200 level community college business class (except accounting because I don’t have my CPA and I don’t consider myself qualified).

      Some universities do hire full-time online instructors – Western Governor’s University for one. Not sure about the pay. But other online universities (U of Phoenix for example) do not hire anyone who is not “actively” engaged in employment in their field so if you were to teach 100% you would not count as an active Marketing professional and they wouldn’t hire you. A way around that is to have your own Marketing consulting company, for example.

      That brings me to my final point: Most likely if you want to teach online for your career you’ll need to do something else in addition – write, consult, work part-time. You might be able to get one teaching job and then parlay that into a full-time (non-tenured or tenured) position but you’ll need experience first. There are also online course development jobs for experienced teachers.

      I could easily make $20-30M a year from online adjunct work now if I wanted to do so but I have ten years experience.

      Good luck!

  28. Bleu

    Hi Ladies,

    Need some advice on a 1L summer job. What internship is going to be more valuable or does it not matter? Judicial externship at state supreme court with the chief justice or an international law firm gig? I think the work will be more substantive at the court which will be greatly beneficial, but honestly the experience sounds more dry to me than working internationally. Any long term benefits to picking either? Thanks all!

    • Anonymous

      For 99.9% of legal jobs, the court experience will be far more relevant/valuable. And more prestigious. And it will be interesting – you’ll see a wide variety of issues.

    • Anonymous

      Normally I would say court is more prestigious (and I think it would be amazing experience) but in the US I think court jobs are easier to get as 1Ls than law firm jobs. The way the law firm model is set up is basically to only hire 2Ls, so if you were at a law firm as a 1L that basically translates to ROCKSTAR on your resume. Plus, if you like the firm, you can go back as a 2L and then permanently.
      One option is also to ask the firm about splitting the summer. I know a few people who did half court/half law firm.

      • ELS

        I did this. I worked as an extern for the state intermediate court that sat in the same city as my law school, and a large regional firm in the same city my first summer.

        I ended up working 3 days a week at the firm the first half of the summer, and two with the Judge. The externship ended mid-summer (I worked X number of hours for credit), and then I went FT with the firm. It was the best of both worlds.

        OP, what do you want to do long-term? If you think the firm is a place you might like to work long term, I’d suggest doing that, if you end up not being able to split the summer. Judicial externships are great, and provide a lot of general experience (and frankly, with what I do now, it was the experience that was more useful to me). But if you’re potentially interested in the firm generally, I’d do that.

    • Hollis

      International firm experience all the way. I did a law firm internship my 1L summer and it was not only fun, but also great pay and a way to see different practice areas to figure out what I wanted to do later on. I wish mine was international, since now that I have small kids and a US based law practice, I almost never get to travel abroad.

    • PatsyStone

      Both are great opportunities, if the international firm sounds like more fun and like work you would enjoy- decision made. Probably better lunches too.

    • full of ideas

      Is the court in the state that you want to practice in? If yes, do the court gig. If no, do the firm gig. Firms love hiring former clerks, even if they were only interns, but only when it helps them (e.g. local court, appeals ct).

  29. Anonymous

    Canadian here horrified with what is happening in the US in regards to Immigration.

    Where can I donate?
    I am a lawyer- can I volunteer anywhere in any capacity?

      • CatToo

        ACLU, Center for Human Rights, or the legal defense fund for a targeted group.

    • Wildkitten

      Canada seems to have a lot of folks coming in – if you want to volunteer you might look at local refugee resettlement in your town. Show us how it’s done :)

  30. Worried

    Also Canadian and can’t answer your question. BUT have to just tell you about how horrified I was when I turned on CBC Radio at 9am and heard KEVIN O’LEARY, a real-life troll if there ever was one, being interviewed. He is spouting the same bs rhetoric as Trump and seems to be trying to use his exact same playbook. I hope Canadians don’t fall for it.

  31. I was looking forward to working in yoga pants

    Long time lurker, looking for a safe place to vent. I have a boss (one of several overlapping, that’s another looooong story) who has a notoriously bad schedule… constantly reschedules, double books, cancels at the last minute. It’s not 100% clear if it’s her or her admin, actually. So i have a regular status meeting that gets pushed and shoved all over the place (not just me, it’s everyone). This week, for example, I have a bi-weekly on Tues… and another on Wed. And she sent a request for another one on Monday, to do my performance appraisal stuff from 2016. The thing is, she and I worked out an agreement to alternating Mondays WFH… I have to cancel almost every single one due to extenuating circumstances… but managed to protect this Monday. I asked her if we could do it as a telecon instead. Now, we have other issues, and I just KNOW she won’t respond until it’s too late, and I will wind up going in on my WFH day, and she’ll cancel or postpone 20 mins beforehand. At which point I am likely to get a bit ragey; as I said we have some larger issues in our relationship. Frankly it is ruining my weekend, grrr.

    • Bonnie

      I’d just respond that you are not available in person Monday. If you keep cancelling plans, it will be expected.

    • Anonymous

      Stand up for yourself. If you have a formal arrangement to work from home on Mondays, say “I’m not in the office on Mondays. I could do a call that day or meet in person any other day next week.”

    • Hollis

      If you need to meet in person (and performance reviews should be in person) and it’s on your outlook calendar, can’t you just decline the request and propose a different date?

    • Fishie

      I have a similar situation, and I just continually remind the scheduling admin that I work from home on that day and am not available for a meeting. I need to protect that time because it is the only time I can work uninterrupted on certain projects. I built the rest of my schedule around it. I won’t accept meetings on that day. In my case it’s mostly the admin not looking at my busy/free schedule before making appointments. My day from home is clearly marked on my calendar, which she can access.

      • I was looking forward to working in yoga pants

        Thanks all.
        The last time I reminded the admin (that I was not going to change a scheduled day off) I was called up and yelled at for being mean. That was a true ooo day, not a WFH day.
        I responded asking if we could webex (although Hollis has a point), but did not bring up our two other mtgs this week. If worse comes to worse, I’ll have time to jump in the car.

        • Fishie

          Maybe it’s the delivery? Fair or not, some expect women to be “nicer” about things and less directive. In walking the line between keeping the peace and being a feminist, here’s what my emails on this sound like: “Hi so and so, I saw that you scheduled me for a meeting with boss lady on Wednesday, but I’m not available to meet that day. I could do X, Y, or Z if that works with her schedule. I generally work from home that day and it’s really the only day I can accomplish X, so I have it blocked off for any meetings. Would it be helpful to you if I added you to my calendar so you can see my availability?”

  32. Barf

    Am I the only one who is so over anything marketed to women over 35 being called “mom”? I’m not a mom, but I might like those jeans. Is my potential interest in those jeans based on my status as a parent? Do I have to become one of those people who refers to her pets as her kids if I want to wear them? It’s all just so disgusting. I’m disgusted by everything today.

    • anon

      agreed… however I don’t think it’s nearly so awful for people whose pets are their kids… I am always amazed how offended people can get when that gets said. Moms so often seem to get offended by it, but I’m not insulting your kid if I consider my pet my kid. It’s just the personal experience I have with having someone at home who requires me in order to be fed and happy :)

    • Office Wedding Ettiquette

      agreed! i am days away from 38, engaged to be married for the first time, and childless. my two best female friends are 38, single, and childless (happily and successfully); we struggle with constant assumptions about life choices (as if the only option for women is marriage at 25 and kids). when men choose to stay single and focus on career, travel, etc., no one bats an eye. i say ignore the stereotypes (which often boils down to marketing) and do what works for you!

  33. Not That Anne, The Other Anne

    Just in case any of our lawyer ‘rettes are currently at an airport trying to help stranded refugees (or have been, or will be), THANK YOU.

  34. a lawyer

    Hi to the group. I’ve been absent lately because I’ve retired from the active practice of law. Yay!! I am still “of counsel” at my firm, at the partners’ request, and still have a small office for independent contractor projects. I am 59 years old and LOVING retirement!

    Anyway, my retirement has allowed me to become more involved with our local animal shelter. We do many “transports” of dogs to northern shelters (all properly vetted) which have a shortage of adoptable pets. There is an amazing amount of paperwork and deadlines to handle these transports correctly, and I feel like a software program that would allow us to input the transport date, and then work backwards for other deadlines, with ticklers (like for a court’s scheduling order) would be great.

    Does anyone have suggestions for such a program? Our administrative staff is young, not full time yet, and is really having a hard time keeping track of these deadlines, and prioritizing work. You can visit our website at caresclarksdale.com We have come a long way from the ASPCA raid years ago (when the city had one volunteer running it), but we have a long way to go.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Another Southerner

      We did it for years with greyhound adoption and handled everything in Excel. We kept it to one point of contact (I was backup) for handling hauls. When I’ve dealt with groups that delegated various facets of the process out to several volunteers, the result was never easy to work with. Are you using a professional hauler or volunteers? Is your vetting done in house or through a local clinic? Do you have many animals going to MA or other states with strict vaccine requirements?

  35. Office Wedding Ettiquette

    Advice needed: in a professional office, who must you invite to your wedding? Does your immediate superior get an invite? Would s/he feel obligated? Is this a go with your true preference (feelings and social graces be damned) life event or must we think about office politics? Please advise! Thank you.

    • Bacon Anon

      You don’t need to invite anyone from the office, if you don’t want to. Go with who you actually want to be at your wedding.

      • Anonymous

        I was wondering this too from the reverse – are you obligated to go to a coworker’s wedding? Office is about 22 people and I suspect she felt she had to invite everyone.

        • Office Wedding Ettiquette

          Many thanks for thoughtful advice! :) As for the POV of someone getting married: if someone I invited didn’t want to come, I would MUCH prefer a nice card, rather than the ‘cool’ or ‘low’ energy of someone who wasn’t complete happy to be there on one of my most special days. The bride and groom will be so focused on other things, I don’t think they will stop to give it a lot of worry… but a nice card or small gift could show you care. IMHO

  36. Geriatric Social Worker

    question about hiring a geriatric social worker or a social worker generally. I’m in Florida if it matters. My mother is young – 59, so she is not exactly elderly but the services she needs (and the way she acts) are those that may be geared toward that demographic, so I’m not sure if I’m asking questions about a social worker generally or one who focuses on the elderly…

    In any event, my mom is not doing well. She is deeply depressed and in the past year, has fallen deeper and deeper into alcoholism. To complicate matters, she fell and for almost a year, has not done what she needs to do to fully recover and therefore, can’t drive and can barely walk. She practically busted out of the rehabilitation center following her injury. She lives alone. She is barely bathing herself.

    When we talk to her, she becomes horrific to deal with. She lashes out and is extremely verbally abusive. She’s not seeing her doctors because she can’t drive and claims she can’t afford it even though she clearly can. She’s not taking care of herself and has probably gained 60 pounds in the past few months.

    I’d like to get a social worker involved. I understand my mom will not get treatment (at least not effective) until she recognizes she has an alcohol problem, but she’s not safe living alone, barely walking and drinking herself into a practical coma.

    Can I hire a social worker anonymously? I thought about calling one of her doctors and seeing if a doctor would send one without it being from me. If she knows I sent someone, she may never speak to me. I’m ok with that if it comes to that, but I’d rather hire someone and ask them to check in on her without her knowing it is me.

    She has crappy insurance but i’m more concerned about her health and safety.

    Also, in Florida, I know you can call the police for a well check. Can that occur anonymously if anyone knows?

    • anon

      You can contact the Alliance for Aging and they can help you to figure out the best options. You can either give your name and be a part of it or you can make an anonymous wellness concern/complaint to both the local police and to the Alliance for Aging. Self-neglect IS abuse and when police and social workers see this, they are legally obligated to do what they can for her.

      That said, she’d either need to be clearly mentally incompetent or, if she appears fine to an outsider, they’d either need family to speak to her incompetence or they might be stuck trying to talk her into accepting help.

      As for her medical care, a doctor will not speak with you unless you’re listed on a form by your mother for it. The alternative might be that you can call and speak with the doctor, say you don’t need them to confirm anything but you want them to listen, then give enough info and reason and hope they consider it when they see her for appointments.

      Sending love!!

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