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'rettes at Airports
Shout out to any ‘rettes who spent their weekend (or are there today) helping out at the airports. Y’all did our profession proud.
ace
Ditto. Thank g o d for lawyers & the A C L U.
Qua
+1
I gave memberships to the ACLU to families for Xmas. I think the ACLU is a little overwhelmed right now and is having a little difficulty even processing donations. Hopefully, more of us can go work for them soon, as they need more bodies.
Brunette Elle Woods
My parents donated to the ACLU for me as a hannukah gift and I just set up a monthly donation. I’m certainly in no position to donate money, but I can’t resist. It’s too important not to help.
LawChick
Ditto!!! This is what I got on to say. So proud to be an attorney today.
anne-on
Seriously – thank you to all who took time out of their weekends (and any time really) to help. You all made me tear up :)
Godzilla
I was a weepy monster this weekend, thank you all for being you.
Jeffiner
YES!! Thank you so much!
Jo March
yes, thank you!!
Wendy
I saw this on Twitter last night: “Leaving Dulles now to file from home. Gender disparity was striking: probably 70 percent of lawyers volunteering there are young women.”
Anonymous
I worked on election protection before the election and my anacdotal experience was also majority women.
Anonymous
The Muslim ban has started. Which group will be targeted next? The Mexicans? then who?
Of course, Saudi Arabia, a place where most of the 9/11 terrorists were from is not on the list. I wonder how many hotels Trump has there.
Amy
Egypt is also notoriously absent from the list.
All we can do now is be as loud and obnoxious as possible in our opposition. Call your Congressional representatives – there is already weakening support for the ban in Congress. The more noise we can make, the more protests we can attend, the more we can be a thorn in the side of the administration, the more chance there is that Congress will act. Trump doesn’t care if people are upset, or if people oppose him. Congressional representatives – if they have half a brain – realize they have some tough midterm elections coming up and they will be judged later on how they act now. We have to apply pressure and keep applying it; no letting up now.
Also, donating to the ACLU – which is fighting this war on the front lines – wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Beans
Agree with Amy’s comments. I called and tried to leave voicemails for my representatives this weekend. Their DC voicemails and some of their local voicemails were full. Called back again this morning to let them know my opposition and make sure they were aware that the voicemails were full.
Anon
Just to point something out, the list of countries reflects the list of countries that the Obama administration had singled out for additional scrutiny. Saudi Arabia & Egypt aren’t on there because they’re consistently not on those lists – they’re deemed too “good” of allies to be on them.
Completely absurd? Absolutely.
Doesn’t change the fact that it’s a terrible policy? Yup
But I think it’s important to separate the bad that’s Trump’s doing (which is a lot) from the bad that has always been bad – otherwise we provide too much ammunition to the people who want to say we’re just being hysterical.
anon
Just tossing out there for general information purposes that this is the Visa Waiver Program Improvement and Terrorism Travel Protection Act of 2015 (signed as part of the 2016 spending bill). Under the VWP, citizens from certain countries may travel to the US under certain circumstances without obtaining a visa. That act just made it so that a person could not be eligible for a waiver under this program if they’d traveled to those countries- meaning that those citizens just needed to obtain a visa. It didn’t ban travel all together.
It was signed by Obama, but was sponsored by a republican.
Agree!
Yes yes yes. The whole executive order was a disaster but all I see from the conservative side of my Facebook feed is how this is ‘obamas fault’ because he’s the one who made the original list. Which is not technically true either but that’s how this is playing out of course
Anonymous
Yeah, but it’s pretty low to imply that Trump did it becuase of his business interests, which is what I’m seeing my liberal Facebook feed say.
(I’m not a fan of the ban AT ALL but I am a fan of facts.)
Anonymous
Except that we wouldn’t be arguing about his business interests had he divested
Anonymous
Yes you would! Someone pointed out the other day that even “divesting” would have gotten him in trouble because people would be second guessing how much others paid for his interests.
Anonymous
He’s not running his business, and he’s not profiting off of it, and he’s not doing any foreign deals.
anonlawyer
@Anon11:06 where do you get your facts. He may or may not be running his business, we really have no idea. He has said he is not doing foreign deals, but again, no idea. We can assume for this argument that he is doing neither of those things. But he most certainly is profiting off of it. he already has business in those countries. Not doing foreign deals just means no new deals. And he has not divested his interests in his companies, so he continues to profit from them.
Anon
To Anon@11:06. Yes he is. As long as he is the owner & mgnt is not in a 3rd party, he & his children–including the minor one(s)–are indeed profiting.
MJ
How is he not profiting off of his business if he didn’t divest?
In corporations, shareholders get profits and all profits not distributed to shareholders go into retained earnings. If he’s still a SH, still profiting. Sorry–your comment reflects a distinct misunderstanding of how businesses work.
Anonymous
This. These countries are low-hanging fruit from a security standpoint because there is an identifiable risk, and there aren’t the complicating political factors that you’d have with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, etc. If Trump’s business deals play into it at all, it’s definitely secondary to international relations.
The fact is that policy-making is a messy business, and the second and third order effects of anything this big are complicated and important to understand and consider. THAT is the lesson of this sh1t-show. The president and his advisers should really know better. If you want to take that policy position, fine (I totally disagree, but fine). But for goodness’ sake, build a coalition in Congress, talk to your administration, plan the roll-out, make sure the legal team has reviewed everything, and get ahead of the messaging. Don’t just shoot from the hip. There’s a headline on BBC this morning about it being “amateur hour” at the White House, and that’s certainly what it looks like.
I already called my congressmen about this one last week when it was leaked, but I might do it again. A friend who lives abroad e-mailed me this morning and asked “Is America really as stupid as it looks in the international news?” as Trump would say: Sad!
lifer
I completely agree.
January
YES. I understand and expect that I will not agree with Trump on his policy positions, but even assuming for the sake of argument that imposing these types of travel restrictions is sound policy, the way his administration has handled it shows how unprepared and ill-suited they are to the actual act of governing. It’s not campaigning, folks.
Anonymous
“Winning is easy. Governing is harder” ~ Pres. Washington (in Hamilton)
Anonymous
I’m just sick over it. I made my first donation to the ACLU and have been calling my reps every day. There are more Iranian-American Fields Medalists (one) than there are Iranian-American terrorists (zero). Not only is this ban horrible from a human and civil rights perspective, I just feel like we are really shooting ourselves in the foot by banning a group of people that comprises many students and faculty at top universities. Other countries will gladly take them and it will be our loss.
FrankieCat
Also be sure to check your employers Matching Donations guidelines. My company matched my gift 100% this morning :)
Blonde Lawyer
Just don’t forget that the ACLU is not a 501(c)(3) – some employers would be prohibited from matching since they partake in lobbying activities.
Sarabeth
The ACLU Foundation is a 501(c)(3).
Virve Georgeson
To Anonymous,
I’m sick over what is going on in the USA too, and I’m not even there – it’s a humanitarian issue for everybody globally. Your comments about other countries who will offer to take people being refused entry to the USA is correct – in fact as of today Monday there are discussions in the Canadian parliament about what Canada can do to help people within the high tech community.
Anon
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/29/opinion/who-hasnt-trump-banned-people-from-places-where-hes-made-money.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region®ion=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region
Drycleaning Fan
Can we discuss the apparent aversion to drycleaners on this site? I’m a busy professional and two local laundries who deliver are a key part of my team. One green service does a great job with everything but silk and sweaters. Another does an amazing job with those. Maybe instead of dissing the service, we should share who does a good job.
mascot
We all have different conveniences that we are willing to pay for? Mine is to have someone clean my house, someone else may want to outsource their food preparation, yours is for laundry/dry cleaning. I’m not that interested in what I see as high maintenance fabrics and I’m fine with doing my own laundry and even ironing if needed. So I appreciate when clothing doesn’t require dry cleaning.
Cb
Same here – it adds to the overall cost of the garment, I have environmental concerns, and to be frank, the dry cleaning delivery app has stopped servicing my area, making me even less likely to get something dry cleaned. It does make sense if you wear really delicate fabrics or things that need to be perfectly pressed.
Anonymous
I drycleaned a ton before kids. I just don’t have time for additional errands to keep track of. I might feel differently if there was a dry cleaner in my building. But even then, not sure I want to schlep all my drycleanables in addition to work bag and gym stuff and kid stuff (on site daycare).
Now I want a wash and wear wardrobe (wool sweaters that can be wash on delicate and laid flat to dry. I wash a lot on delicate and lay flat or hang to dry. My office doesn’t require full suits everyday and I’ve move to more machine washable dresses. Aim for one trip to the cleaners every month or two.
Bonnie
+1 I wore a lot more dry clean items before kiddo when I could wear them more than once. Now that I’m a walking tissue, I go through too much clothing.
Anonymous
I am totally stealing your “walking tissue” descriptor ! So accurate!
Nina
I completely agree, I have to do daycare drop off/pickup, and even though I change when I get home, my toddler still manages to get paint/food/snot/spit/other gooey stuff on my clothes almost daily. I also have time constraints of I need to drop her off by 8:30, and I need to pick her up by 5:30, which simply doesn’t leave time for easily getting to and from dry cleaners. Stuff that I need to dry clean ends up languishing in my closet for weeks, and then at dry cleaners for days until I have time to pick it up. Which means I simply avoid buying anything dryclean only. Actually I avoid buying anything non-machine wash and machine dry. Thankfully I work in a pretty casual work place.
Anonymous
I have 2 cats and a dog, and my dry cleaners always disappoint me with fur removal. For instance, I recently dry cleaned a wool coat that was returned with fur still on it. Is this typical, or do I have a bad local cleaner? I don’t see the point in paying money to get a coat back with fur. Its not like my pets roll around on top of my coat!
Shenandoah
I took a coat to the dry cleaners that had a lot of dog hair on it (I made the mistake of leaving it on a chair and dog decided to use it as a bed for a couple of days before I got around to taking it in for cleaning). They said they would not be able to guarantee removal of the hair, and it definitely had plenty of hair left when I picked it up. So I would say just lint roll before taking in to the cleaners.
Anonymous
We were ‘fired’ from our dry cleaner for fur! They said it was clogging up their equipment and invited us to go elsewhere.
emeralds
I have plenty of beloved dry clean-only pieces, but I never seem to be able to get my stuff to the cleaners on a regular basis, so they end up sitting in my closet unwearable for months at a time (despite spot-cleaning, airing out, etc.). Intellectually, I know I’m an adult and that I should be able to handle dropping off the dry cleaning on a regular basis, especially since the closest service does complimentary deliveries of completed orders…but despite the best intentions in the world, I can’t manage to stay on top of it. It’s just more practical for me to buy stuff I can throw in the machine or hand-wash.
Walnut
I drive directly past my drycleaner every day. It’s even on the convenient side of the street with always open drop off stalls. I still only get drycleaning dropped once a quarter (at best).
Senior Attorney
This was my problem. Then I married somebody who has his cleaning picked up and delivered at his office every week so I free-ride on that. It’s heaven!
Mpls
I’ll just echo that getting garments to/from the dry cleaners is more work for me than just wet-cleaning at home. I have an apartment with an in-unit washer/dryer and can care for my wardrobe just fine with it’s basic cycles.
I just don’t buy anything I wouldn’t be willing to wet-wash (regardless of the tag instructions). Since there are very, very few fabrics that cannot be wet-washed. So, I wet-wash, at home wool sweaters and silk shirts (which I wear often), and wool suits (which I wear very occasionally, so don’t need to clean often). It just makes more sense for me.
Anonymous
Can you explain how you wet wash wool suits? TIA
Mpls
Basically, the same way I wash my sweaters. Each suit piece goes into a lingerie/mesh bag, and gets washed on the delicate/knit cycle, using a wool/cashmere shampoo (I use The Laundress).
I have a curve hanger to hang the jacket on as it drip dries. I use a clamp hanger to hang the pants from the hem (with the pants folded on the crease) to drip dry. Once dry, I’ll steam any wrinkles out.
I’ve done this with both the Jcrew stretch wool suit I owe, as well as a couple of BR suits.
Anonymous
Thanks! This is so helpful – especially the last line as I have a few JCrew Stretch wool suiting pieces so great to know your method worked with those. Do you find this works well with lined pants or just unlined pants? I always worry about wool shrinking slightly and the lining not shrinking.
Kenya/Tanzania?
Do they come out looking as nice as dry cleaning?
Mpls
I think I’ve done it with both – the key to avoid shrinkage is cool water and minimal agitation (that’s where the delicate cycle + mesh bags come into play). Also – suiting material is very different in weave than a knit sweater, so I think there’s probably less chance overall of the suiting piece shrinking.
I think The Laundress website had additional information, maybe even a video, on washing wool suit pieces.
Mpls
@Kenya – I’d say probably about 90-95% as nice. You won’t get the same steam press effect, but as long as you hang to dry nicely and steam out the wrinkles, I’d say most people wouldn’t notice the difference.
Iris
Definitely addresses the underarm smell on a jacket better than dry cleaning…
Anonymous
Just as a caution – a lot of what I would be concerned about shrinking/getting ruined is the inside parts of the suit, not just the outer fabric you can see. My husband sews suits and there are a lot of parts inside that go into making the structured shape – hair cloth, hair canvas (both made with horsehair), padding – as well as the lining fabric itself, which may not be color fast either. Perhaps women’s suits that are commercially available have less going on inside, but I persoanally would never wash my suit. I only have 1 and am a total cheapskate.
Also watch out for “delicate” cycle on commercial washers – in both my current and former building, the delicate cycle is WARM. My husband ruined a favorite sweater this way. There is a knits cycle that is cold with minimal agitation. Sorry if I sound like a paranoid freak.
Mpls
I definitely wouldn’t wet-wash my suit any more often than the dry cleaning recommendation (so, once a season). And yes, do be sure you have a cold-water cycle.
All I’m saying is that is doable – and I have successfully done it.
Anon
The aversion to drycleaning is because we don’t have time. Not all of us are in a big enough city to have delivery conveniently available. And some find it environmentally concerning. As Amy Pohler says, good for (you), not for me.
Anon
Dry cleaning is toxic and hard on clothes. Even “green” dry cleaners often can’t explain what chemicals they are using (it’s an industry ripe for false greenwashing). That alone is reason to dramatically cut down on use.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/study-perc-remains-in-dry-cleaned-clothes/2011/09/01/gIQAbiPsxJ_story.html
Bacon Anon.
Yeah – the whole idea behind dry cleaning is it uses organic solvents instead of water. Organic solvents are generally not good for the environment or people. Sure, some are worse than others, so some are better than others, but they are all still more harmful than aqueous solutions. And that’s not even thinking about all the energy and industrial conditions that goes into making the solvents in the first place.
Lilac
My personal aversion to dry cleaning is that it’s bad for clothes and the environment. Plus I really don’t mind hand washing with tepid water and castile soap and laying flat to dry. It takes me 5 minutes which is still faster than going to the dry cleaner across the street. I also have a hand held steamer for any wrinkles. This isn’t saying that one is better than the other, but that there are valid arguments on both sides of the issue.
Anon
No aversion here. I dry clean lots of things every week. I wear suits nearly every day, and it’s just easier. I’m in the ‘burbs. It’s not convenient, but it’s in town and I drop things off on Thursday and pick up Saturday (usually).
Baconpancakes
Sorry if this is too personal, but how do you keep your suits from starting to stink? Everything I dry clean eventually gets an armpit funk that the dry cleaning process seems to set in instead of getting rid of. This is probably exacerbated by my reluctance to dry clean something after one wear, but it seems like I’m doing something wrong. I do try to wear sleeved shirts under my suit jackets but I sweat right through those.
emeralds
Vodka/water spray in a mister bottle seems to be the best option.
Iris
Second vodka/water spray. I have also washed just the armpit by hand in tepid water with a small amount of detergent I use for stinky workout clothes.
Anonymous
What ratio of vodka to water do you use?
Anonymous
There also isn’t anything magic about it be vodka – that’s just generally a source of clear alcohol (ethanol) many people have. I’ve also used the rubbing or isopropyl alcohol I’ve got in the bathroom (without diluting with water).
Just be sure to test on an inconspicuous spot to make sure it won’t alter the fabric (lining or outer piece).
Snoozy
I don’t need to get much cleaned (I don’t have a dryer, so big blankets get taken twice a year, and my down coats at the end of winter), but I hate ironing. I have quite a few cotton shirts, and all the ones I own that fit and look good require it, so I either take the clean shirts to be ironed (usually) or take the whole lot (if I’ve been busy and have quite a few). I like my shirts, and don’t look particularly good in a lot of non-collared slouchier tops, so I don’t want to transform my wardrobe.
I have a very good and surprisingly cheap dry cleaner, so it’s affordable, and saves me having to iron. They also treat my clothes very well.
(My aversion is not completely irrational or due to laziness – ironing with narcolepsy can cause some nasty surprises.)
ELS
I should look into pressing/ironing services at my dry cleaner. I have a few items that look best pressed, and I’m simply awful at it.
And I don’t have the narcolepsy excuse — I’m just lazy/bad at ironing! Good on you for protecting your safety.
Wildkitten
My aversion is the cost.
SC
There are a lot of legit reasons to avoid dry cleaning or to dry clean less. But if I spent $900 on a dress that said “dry clean,” I wouldn’t risk washing it because the label omitted the word “only.” For a $50 pair of pants, sure, let’s see how it turns out in the wash.
Anon
I used to dry clean so much in my 20s that my dry cleaner actually teared up when I told her I was moving. Some of my dry cleaning habit was due to lack of discipline, like not hanging up my skirts and suiting jackets immediately when I got home. I was also going out a lot after work in those days and I was always spilling stuff on myself.
I moved for a job and the next job was just not as formal. I still had dry cleaning done, but not as much.
Then I really got into knitting and learned how to wash wool the right way, and I noticed how much nicer my cashmere sweaters were after hand washing vs dry cleaning. For most items, I honestly prefer hand washing.
There is a french dry cleaner in my neighborhood. Not quite walking distance but a quick drive, and usually there is parking. I still only make it there about once or twice per year, and they remember my name anyway.
I definitely think twice about buying something that is dry clean only. I wouldn’t wet wash a fine wool suit myself, due to the structure inside as mentioned above, but that’s not my day to day style either. I wear a lot of soft structure, like Eileen Fisher, and it’s all hand washable.
My best tool is my industrial strength steamer.
ELS
Which steamer do you have? I posted above about being TERRIBLE at ironing. A steamer would probably get me most of the way there with my wardrobe.
Duckles
I’m the same way. I’d much rather pay to have things dry cleaned than do it myself; it’s one block from my house and 24/7 so much easier and better looking than ironing or steaming my own clothes.
EB0220
Ha, I agree. I’d much rather take a garment to the dry cleaner than deal with it myself. I have a place right by my morning coffee stop, so it’s zero additional time for me to drop it.
NYNY
Advice needed. I’m meeting one on one with my team today for employee reviews, and I have one team member who has a wildly inaccurate picture of his performance. He barely meets expectations – I was generous because he is in his first year and it’s his first job out of school (including grad school) – but he thinks he’s excellent and ready for promotion. He isn’t picking up on the basics of his job, but regularly is trying to take on a larger role. I feel like I’m constantly giving him feedback on what I need from him, but his self-assessment tells me that I’m not getting through.
I plan to use some specific examples of his work and show him what he did vs. what I requested. Any other advice?
anon
be honest with him about how he isn’t meeting expectations and lay out specific examples. ideally this issue shouldn’t come to a head at the overall review, which should never come as a surprise. If he isn’t picking up on the basics, that should be said plainly to him.
Anon for this
Sounds like you will need to be very, very blunt with him. If he’s not able to perform the basic requirements of his job and is seeking additional responsibility, he is clearly not understanding how poorly he is doing. It is admirable that he is hoping to move up the company, but he needs to understand that he must do his current job well first.
Anon
The specific examples are good. You can acknowledge that you know he is anxious for promotion, but emphasize that he needs to really master the basics before the next level.
Iris
I will add that I’ve had newer employees like that who think they deserve a promotion and the reason they aren’t getting one, is because of some invisible but existing requirement that they “put in their time.”
No, a promotion is based on performance. Great Performance not only meets but exceeds expectations. Expectations have been made clear on several occasions. You do not meet them. Please explain why you still think you should get a promotion/explain what you will be doing differently to meet those expectations or your future here is not likely. I allow employees whose jobs do not require presentation/oral advocacy skills to send an e-mail a week later summarizing for best results instead of hearing an upset person’s BS/seeing blank stares.
Because I am NEVER giving bad feedback to be mean. I am doing it because I want the person here. And I want them to do better. I emphasize that several times as well depending on the personality.
Jo March
Perhaps too late in the day, but is there a specific rubric/professional framework you can share with him? I think the idea of showing specific examples is good, but may hit home more if there’s a rubric he can refer to on his own time as well.
How can I help?
I’m an attorney and want to help those affected by Trump’s muslim ban. I have no immigration or litigation experience (transactional lawyer here). What can I do? Who do I reach out to?
Anonymous
Contact the ACLU. Immigration and litigation experience are the biggest needs but as the cases progress, they may need other kinds of support – e.g. drafting contracts for various support services. They also may need things that anyone with a legal degree can help with – like noting up a case.
Anonymous
I work at a local legal aid and also encourage you to reach out to your local organization to volunteer. Most legal aids have a pro bono program. In our organization, we’ve seen a four fold increase in immigration client inquiries since Trump was elected. Immigrants of all backgrounds are coming forward to see if they’re eligible for any type of relief, such as protections for victims of domestic violence.
The ACLU is great, and I donate to them, but you may have more of an immediate impact in your local community via legal aid or a similar immigrant-serving organization.
Wildkitten
They need folks who can file habeas petitions in court – and they’re filing a lot so I assume filling out the actual petition is more of a copy/paste exercise than someone who needs to know the ins and outs of immigration law. (I could be wrong, it’s very fast moving).
Wildkitten
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScU15uSaSkA61YrGmXfplfOu2UwlcwIyEJXPuyON6SCE6YlAw/viewform?c=0&w=1
Wildkitten
Fill that out and they’ll connect you with the person organizing at your airport and you can ask them if you’d be helpful.
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this dress, but sleeveless is NOT for me with Frank lookeing in all the time. FOOEY on him. As for the OP, I would leave this issue to the profesionals. There are to many peeople trying to help that know little, and the best you can do is to give $ to the ACLU to do what they know how to do. That is what I was told when I wanted to help the peeople in Haiti when there was an earthquake. They said just give MONEY. MONEY is what they need, not peeople trying to help. MONEY buys food and shelter they said, so I just gave MONEY and I got a DEDUCTION. That is what you can do. But make sure you know what cause you are suporting beforehand.
Anon
A lot of the help at airports doesn’t require immigration or litigation experience or really even legal experience – it’s talking with families to gather information about the loved ones they are waiting for, talking to travelers when they get out of customs, and connecting people who have urgent situations with more experienced immigration lawyers. So there will be plenty for you to help with!
going Sulfide Free for hair
Wow. Thanks to all who gave me ideas last week on the taming of the wild grey-ing hair.
Just used Loreal Every-Smooth shampoo and conditioner. Even with my routine of blowing hair to non-dripping status, I can see the difference! Goodness.
Will it get better and better as I use only sulfide-free products? I have a thought about adding the Bumble and Bumble oils recommended, but I want to give the sulfide-free products due time to give me all they’ve got.
(In the past, I considered the Wen line and was terrified with the reviews and hair loss … I don’t need to accelerate that; I often think I’m like an animal, with hairs all over the house.)
Life changing I think. Wow. Thanks Hive!
Anonymous
I switched to Loreal Sulfate Free shampoo/conditioner (the one for dyed hair), and it has made a big difference. I have thin, wavy hair that I can blow dry straight, and I’ve found my hair is significantly less frizzy after 6 months of use. It also feels smoother.
Emmer
Yes, you will absolutely continue to notice a difference. I will say that I know some people who start to experience oilyness after a month or two of using sulfate-free products. If that happens to you, don’t give up! Just do one wash with a clarifying shampoo and then return to your normal routine.
Anonymous
I use sulfate-free products due to my curly hair. A few things I’d add: (1) if possible, use a turkish towel or an old t-shirt (anything other than terrycloth) to dry your hair; (2) if you live in a humid area like I do, know that the weather will affect your hair and you’ll have to change up your styling habits to adjust (for instance, in the winter I can twist my hair into curls away from my face and it dries nicely that way; in the summer, it springs up into flyaways before the hair has a chance to dry, so I work with the way it naturally falls).
emeralds
I’m ready to go on my action items for the day on the immigration order, but what the f**k am I supposed to do about Bannon and the National Security Council?
Babyweight
Same thought. I’m calling my house rep. It’s the only thing I can come up with to do.
Anon
Has anyone seen a script for what to say re: Bannon? I can only think to ask them to speak out about this, but what is there something specific I should be asking them to do? Do they have any ability to oppose this?
anon
I’d like to know the answer to this too.
Anonymous
Call it out. Complain to your reps. Raise awareness amongst friends/family of how totally unprecedented this is and encourage them to call their reps on this, even if they don’t oppose the Muslim Ban.
Someone at one of the airport protests had an awesome sign that “Don’t think that because we’re protesting here that we don’t see putting Bannon on the NSC”.
I’m convinced that the ban being but in place in Friday instead of today, was intentional to distract from Bannon’s appointment which is wholly unprecedented.
Creating chaos by attacking on multiple fronts is literally straight from the totalitarian governance tactic playbook. The past week has felt incredibly chaotic and overwhelming and makes one want to cocoon at home — that is completely intentional on their part.
If you haven’t read it already, buy a copy of Hannah Arendt’s The Origins of Totalitarianism.
Blonde Lawyer
I’ve been putting off contacting my representatives because I just can’t figure out what to say. I’m angry about 100 things. Do I focus on the things they are getting less calls about or the things that upset me the most? (Rhetorical). We recently fenced in our corner lot yard. One side faces a busy road. We wanted to make a sign for our fence but just couldn’t decide what to say. It also can’t be too inflammatory due to security clearance concerns. So something like “all are welcome here” would be okay while “F Trump” wouldn’t be.
There is also so much more info on Twitter that I wish the rest of the world knew about, assuming it is all true. If you go to the White House website, 1600 Penn, there is a tab for “Our Government.” It used to list all of the branches pre Trump. The judicial branch has been removed. That is terrifying.
I also saw reports where Giuliani reportedly said Trump wanted a Muslim Ban and the current EO was a compromise that was meant to be more likely to be legal, focusing on countries rather than religion. Hopefully that true purpose comes up in the hearings.
Will a Republican controlled Supreme Court be brave enough to uphold orders finding the EO unconstitutional?
Anonymous
My neighborhood has a lot of signs that say in English, Spanish, and Arabic “No matter where you’re from, we’re glad you’re here.” They’re small and too many words for a passing car to read, but if you’re near a stop…
As for contacting representatives, I’ve decided to take on one issue every couple days. Last week I did environment and immigration. This week, the Betsy Devos Sec. Ed. pick and refugee ban (again). Or maybe the supreme court pick, depending on who it is. If you commit to contacting your reps regularly, you can think of the 100 things as a to-do list rather than feeling like they’re mutually exclusive topics to voice your opinion about.
Blonde Lawyer
Thank you. I was treating it as one phone call when it should be many. Very helpful.
Anonymous
Ha! I asked the person who answered the phone if Sen. Bill Nelson is ill. It was the only explanation I could think of for his silence.
ELS
Blonde Lawyer — the judiciary is back now. I posted about it this morning on my social media, and around 11:30 a.m. I checked again, and it’s there.
Not saying that it’s not scary that it was gone in the first place.
Blonde Lawyer
I just noticed that and came back to correct my post. Wonder where it went but I’m glad it is back.
Yard sign
Regarding the fence/yard sign question, look up “Hate Has No Home Here”. A lot of people in our neighborhood got these signs printed for their windows and yards.
emeralds
Ugh, I guess have to text my Trumper relatives who support the Muslim ban on the grounds of protecting US national security. Super-interested to hear what they have to say about this, especially since they love and respect our military so much…if they’ve even heard about it, since Fox appears to have decided not to cover it (at least online).
This all just makes me sick.
Anonymous
I’m sure they’ll find a way to blame the liberals. In their opinion, the serviceman probably died because the protests succeeded in reversing the WH position on greencard holders.
emeralds
I texted the most rational of them and she said the Joint Chiefs were “very important,” so that’s something. She said she hadn’t heard about it (because she only watches Fox…) but that she’ll get back to me once she’s read up more.
Anonymous
Just so you know, my conservative and mostly Christian Facebook feed is 95% against the ban.
9:53
That’s great to hear! The people I know who voted for Trump are 100% in support of it (but I do know quite a few conservatives who didn’t vote for him).
Anonymous
I wouldn’t even mention/engage about the Muslim Ban with them. Bannon’s promotion is also a demotion of the military (chair of Joint Chiefs of Staff was demoted too) so decision as being ‘anti-military’ might get them interested.
It’s going to be a multi-pronged approach over the next couple of years so marshal your resources whenever you have them.
emeralds
Oh nah, I would never be that stupid. I meant that they support the Muslim ban on the grounds that it protects national security–and the decision to demote the Joint Chiefs and the director of national security to occasional members of the NSC runs directly counter to our national security interests, at least from where I’m sitting (but then I believe Black lives matter and that women have the right to make their own healthcare decisions, so who trusts my judgment on anything).
Anon
This ban applies to our allies in the Iraqi army, who are protecting our own military. Without them, our men and women would be sitting ducks. They are our human shield, in a way. From my point of view, if they are willing to risk their lives for our country, then they should be welcome here. After all, our own President was unwilling to risk HIS life for our country (draft dodger.)
I heard, although I can’t verify, that this order also forbids people who hold dual citizenship. Has anyone else heard about this?
Blonde Lawyer
I’ve heard that as well but I don’t know if it applies to dual US citizenship. It applies if you have Iraq – Canadian citizenship for example.
Anonymous
Canadian politicians have announced that it doesn’t apply dual citizens or Canadian permanent residents but there hasn’t been anything official announced by the Americans, plus there have been reported of denied boarding because their flights transited the USA, and of dual citizens turned away at the land border.
Apparently British Olympic runner Sir Mo Fatah is also stuck overseas because he was born in Sudan even though he left when he was 8. He usually lives with his kids in Oregon.
Anon
Call, call, call is all we can do when it comes to talking to our reps. My hope is that no one gets complacent, especially whenever Trump shows small signs of normalcy/compromise/reasonableness. Those moments will not mean he is not an autocrat.
anon
Stay informed, talk to your friends and neighbors about it, beg your reps (federal, state, and local) to take actions to blunt his power. Donate to orgs that will fight the authoritarianism.
Rational people are starting to throw around the c-word.
This is not normal.
http://observer.com/2017/01/donald-trump-bannon-flynn-national-security-coup/
10 drinks a week
I posted on Friday about my 10 drink a week habit and my concerns about it. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and thoughts. I’ve decided to aim to cut my consumption by 50%. I started right away and already feel better. I didn’t drink Friday night or Sunday night. I made myself a mocktail (sparkling water + pink lemonade mix) on Sunday evening and that filled the habit gap, for lack of better term. This has been weighing on my mind for a while. Thanks for giving me the push to actually cut back.
Anonymous
Proud of you! Best of luck with this change. Its a big step. You can always do the soda water plus a lime, too, if you feel peer pressure.
Anonymous
A good motivation might be to work out how much you were spending on alcohol and buy yourself a treat with what you save by cutting back.
anne-on
Good for you! After a holiday season filled with lots of parties we decided to do a dry January, and its been a great reset of our old habits, and I feel much better!
CHJ
That’s awesome! And I think making a mocktail instead is a great idea – sometimes what you really want is the “treat” at the end of the day, no matter what it is.
lsw
This is awesome! I support mocktails totally. I agree with CHJ that sometimes you just want the treat and, for me, the ritual of preparing something. Buying myself a Sodastream really helped me out with this endeavor.
Anon
Wow. I did not put this together until now, but I really do use my Sodastream as a replacement for alcohol. It is totally the ritual of preparation after a long day. That’s why La Croix never quite works for me (it’s just popping the top), but Sodastream feels like a treat (because it’s fizzing the water, adding the flavor, and pouring into a glass.) I wonder if drinking La Croix from a real glass would make it feel more like a treat…
s
Using a wine glass totally helps. I may not be an addict, but I definitely have a habit and look forward to that glass. LaCroix hasn’t worked well as a replacement for me though. I’ve had better luck with mixing actual juice and sparkling water. Also kombucha– there’s one that tastes really good.
Wildkitten
Even just having a La Croix between glasses of wine can make a big difference. I do that when I’m doing something fun (like Bachelor wine night) where I don’t want to not drink, but I don’t want to accidentally guzzle wine for 90+ minutes.
Baconpancakes
La Croix addiction is real, yo. I go through two to three cans a day.
New Tampanian
Ha!! I’m at about 4 on weekdays and 7-8 on weekends. My grocery store has a BOGO on La Croix right now. I bought 6 cases on Friday. I’ll probably pop in again before it ends to get more. BUT I’m sober. So, Whatever. lol
lsw
Can I encourage you to try Spindrift, now at Costco?? So much better than LC in my estimation. I love it. (Available at Target and Trader Joe’s, too, but too expensive in the four packs.)
CHJ
YES SPINDRIFT! I love it! Having a grapefruit one now.
Parfait
I love Spindrift too! And it’s not too expensive if you consider what you’d spend on a 4-pack of fancypants craft beer.
Ms B
Mad love to the grapefruit and passionfruit!
FP
Good for you! I love a sparkling water with a splash of cran or pom juice in a wine glass. It helped me stop drinking wine during the week.
June
+1 this has been my solution too.
New Tampanian
Ginger beer (which is non-alcoholic) with lime is delicious too.
anonshmanon
+1000! Ginger Beer the more flavorful, exciting cousin of ginger ale and I have wasted several decades of my life before discovering it!
s
Using a wine glass totally helps. I may not be an addict, but I definitely have a habit and look forward to that glass. LaCroix hasn’t worked well as a replacement for me though. I’ve had better luck with mixing actual juice and sparkling water. Also kombucha– there’s one that tastes really good.
Anonymous
I’ve overcome some serious, debilitating depression and imposter syndrome that affected me for much of my 20s, thanks to therapy and medication. In my early 20s, I was in a PhD program that was very isolating, both due to the small number of students, living in a new state, and the rigor of individualized research. I became very depressed. Having never experienced depression, I didn’t get help. It was a challenge to get out of bed. I had 0 energy and my body physically ached. I gained weight, which didn’t help, and I felt no motivation. I thought I’d missed the boat and would never catch up. Some days, I couldn’t make it to class. I went from having a prestigious fellowship to getting bad grades in grad classes, and I was on academic probation. I left the program after 2 years, moved back to my home state, got help, and never looked back. I completed a business degree and haven’t experienced depression symptoms like that for years.
I share this to encourage posters on here. I’ve seen several “what is it like to overcome depression” threads. For me, it was hitting “rock bottom” before I even realized I needed help. If you’re already at that realization, that’s good! It took me about 3 years of switching meds and a great therapist to feel normal, and now its been 2 additional years and I stay on medication, with monthly or so therapy check ins.
Sometimes I think about emailing my grad program to say they should take mental health seriously. I wish my advisor, the department chair, someone had suggested I get help. I’m frankly disappointed that no one, not once, suggested I utilize the student health counseling center. I had free health insurance paid by my fellowship from the school! I didn’t quite realize that what I was experiencing was depression because it was the first time struggling with a mental health challenge. Instead of saying I needed help, my department blamed me for being lazy, missing classes, or showing up late, when it was actually a huge victory that I made it there at all, showered and dressed, some days.
If this is you, please take my experience as an example that it can get better, and there’s no shame in seeking help!
Anon
Very glad for you that you have recovered. I don’t think it’s fair to place the responsibility for your health on your former grad program, though. Depression is very real, but they can’t overlook your missing classes and showing up late. If you didn’t quite realize you were experiencing depression, how would they have realized it? It was your first time struggling with a mental health challenge– maybe they had never struggled with it either and didn’t realize it any more than you did. Wonderful that you have recovered, and hope we can all realize we have to take charge of our own health rather than expecting others to do so.
AJ
You’re right, mental health is ultimately the responsibility of the individual. However, OP’s story is one example of a serious issue that widely affects graduate students, especially those at thesis/dissertation stage, and one that is often ignored or downplayed at an institutional level.
Most anyone who has experienced depression will tell you they know they need help, something needs to change, but they feel powerless and hopeless. Yes, ultimately each individual has to be the one to take that first step, but having a support network makes it so much easier to finally do so.
Like OP, I also struggled with serious depression while in a PhD program. I was fortunate to have a supervisory committee and department who were sympathetic to my situation, even when I made the decision to suspend my studies (and ultimately leave the program). From everything I’ve heard and read, my situation seems to have been more an exception than the rule.
http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/07/why-do-so-many-graduate-students-quit/490094/
https://chroniclevitae.com/news/1026-there-s-no-crying-in-graduate-school
https://chroniclevitae.com/news/1406-the-secret-life-of-the-doctoral-student
http://www.chronicle.com/article/It-s-Never-Too-Soon-to-Talk/238021
emeralds
Yes. This is a huge, known issue in PhD programs. Advisors and faculty members need to know how to address it.
anonshmanon
Depressions are a widespread problem in grad school programs. I therefore agree with the OP that program coordinators have some responsibility here. You could also say, they have a lever to address this.
Personally, I’d like to see grad schools using their communication channels to cause awareness. Telling students what the signs of a depression could be, how to seek help when you are depressed, providing a low-barrier counseling option on campus.
lifer
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is really helpful.
When I was a young graduate student at an ultra competitive University/research laboratory, there was another graduate student that was in lab I joined, but I never saw him…. not once…. for months. I asked the other post-docs in the lab where he was. They told me he only came in at night. I thought that was a bit odd, but there are many quirky types in science and it didn’t surprise me that much. But soon I realized that it wasn’t that simple…. I worked crazy hours, often late into the night, and I never saw him. If he came in at all, he didn’t come in until after 1 or 2am, and would leave before anyone arrived in the lab in the morning (7-8am). Then I learned he had been in the lab at least 10 years, and that the Professor/Lab head had essentially forgotten about him.
Obviously, he needed help. But I was young, and clueless. What a tragedy.
I left that lab soon after. I always wondered what happened to him.
Harvard almost lost its funding for the program I was in soon after when it was discovered how poorly they mentored/supported/monitored their students, who were essentially thrown to the wolves and were used as cheap labor… many for years and years. I’ve heard it’s better now….
Wildkitten
I went to my law school mental health clinic when I was in a really bad place during 2L. They should’ve just put me on a mild anti-depressant and I would’ve been fine but instead they told me to save my mental health appointments for 3L because it would be so much worse. I survived, but it’s horrifying in retrospect.
full of ideas
Wow, that is terrible. If someone is reaching out, they need help. I hope you share this your school. Shame on them and sorry you haad to deal with it. In my experience, 2L year was the hardest, not just classes but OCI and watching others around yoi get jobs…
Nabby
Just to plug for the other side for a second – when I was an undergrad after the semester and a half it took for me to realize I was depressed I called the mental health center (NYU) and they were immediately helpful, helped me make an appointment with a psychiatrist, went on meds and it was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.
Wildkitten
Yup. That’s how it should work.
Anonymous
A friend of mine got her PhD in higher ed administration to support students. There’s an entire field of support services to help high achievers cope with the isolation and stress in school. I do believe faculty and support staff in universities should be aware of mental health red flags, such as a high performing student skipping class or poor grades, and make referrals as needed.
Anonymous
Thank you. I needed to read this today.
AJ
We need more people like your friend. At the university where I used to work, the waiting time at the counseling center on campus was 6 months. Schools across the country need to invest in mental health resources for all students.
Bonnie
Not a fan of the neckline of this dress. It looks odd with jackets and cardigans.
anon
You all give such great advice and I need some please!
We have 2 year old twins. My mom lives 4 hours away and she likes to come visit about every 4-6 weeks on average. She typically comes in the afternoon on Friday and leaves mid-day Sunday. She talks about coming down to “help me”…..
Back story on my mom (sorry this may be a book). She has battled with depression, alcohol and drug abuse (narcotics – pain pills) all my life. She’s been to rehab 5 times. My dad divorced her to “save her life”. She knows that she is not allowed to drink or use at my house. I don’t know whether she is currently using during her time at home or not…I’ve wasted too many hours in my former life worrying about it. I cannot worry about it, I have 2 toddlers and a husband that need my emotional energy. Anyway, she knows that if I have any indication of use at my house she will be asked to immediately leave and will not be welcome back. To me indications of use are usually pretty apparent typically….alcohol on breathe, slurred speech, confusion, etc. Recently they haven’t been so apparent.
The last couple times she has visited she is full of energy on Friday afternoon and then Saturday morning she gets up at 9, comes upstairs and drinks some coffee, and then lays on the couch. I had a presentation on Saturday for work and my husband had an online training he needed to do for work (he was at home in office). I would never leave the kids completely with my mom unattended, can’t take any chances. Anyway, I asked her on Friday – do you think you can take care of the kids on Saturday morning and afternoon so that I can get ready for presentation, run to office to make a few copies, and then go do my presentation? DH will be home but he would like to work on a training for work. Of course she tells me, no big deal.
Saturday morning comes around and like I said she’s laying on the couch. She’s playing on FB on her phone not paying attention to toddlers. They’re playing pretty independently so whatever. She screams to me “the kids are poopy”. I tell her okay, there are no diapers down here but there are some upstairs. “I’m not changing them” she tells me. Awesome…I think watching toddlers involves changing dirty diapers. I change children and don’t say anything because the last thing I need to do is get in a screaming match before I go to do an important presentation. I let husband know what’s going on before I leave. When I return home from presentation at 4 pm she is still in the same spot on the couch, no shower, still in PJs. DH had to take them out and about because they were bored and being naughty…she did not help and did not move off the couch. He is fine with taking care of them but the expectation was that he would get to spend this time on his training.
Anyway, I have no proof that she’s using but my gut tells me she is. I’m not going to confront her on it because she’ll just lie anyway, that’s what addicts do. What do I do here? Tell her that coming to help me means helping me, not laying on my couch all day? Tell her that when she comes over we expect her to get up at a reasonable time, get dressed, and play with the kids? I’m so annoyed.
you're fired
I think you’ve fired her from her toddler-watching gig.
The next time she comes, it’s not as a toddler-watcher, it’s 100% as a guest (so definitely a demotion from how we invite family). That means you have to invite her and you expect nothing of her.
That might be June; that might be never.
In the meantime, find yourself a true mother’s helper / college student / high school student who can help for a few hours while you’re home (but busy with other things) to (truly) help you out.
Sorry about all this — we can’t pick our families.
OP Here
She guilts me into having her visit all the time. I hardly ever invite her bc she just isn’t helpful. Do I tell her, “no you can’t come next weekend, you aren’t helpful?” or maybe “that weekend isn’t going to work?”. I feel like repeatedly saying “that weekend isn’t going to work” is being passive aggressive. Should I just tell her she isn’t helpful?
JuniorMinion
“No thank you” is a full sentence. I don’t think it is passive agressive to say “that isn’t going to work for me” the same way you would to a friend / colleague / person you hired to do something. I learned this the hard way with my own boundary pushing mother. You have to ultimately take care of you – her guilting you is her problem and it is wrong of her to put that burden on you.
Anonymous
“This weekend isn’t going to work.” and suggest alternate weekend. When she does come, you can be out and about with the kids – either she comes or stays home. Just listing off that Saturday is grocery shopping in the morning and the zoo in the afternoon followed by a birthday party on Sunday, may be enough to reduce frequency of visits.
Anon
Sorry to be devil’s advocate here – your mom clearly has a lot going on. But, is it a grandparent’s role to be helpful when they visit? There are degress of ‘helpful’, for sure, but I know that I have zero expectation that MIL is ‘helpful’ in any way because of who she is. She just comes and sort of observes all of us from afar – whatever. She’s getting ‘grandkid time’ and that’s all she’s looking for, so that’s all I expect from her.
Certainly, I dream of a MIL who comes, cooks a delicious meal, watches kids w/o my supervision. But, that’s just not our reality.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s the norm unless the GP volunteers (and then it’s when the GP volunteers).
I certainly don’t help out when I visit (but I don’t lie around). I mean, I help do the dishes and prepare the meals and try to be helpful. But I don’t tell the relatives I’m visiting with to go get dinner and a movie and I’ll watch their kids / clean their house / cook and freeze some meals for them.
But when I come to help (grandmother moving into a nursing home), I come to help sort / pack / move / clean / grab meals and if I just sat around looking at my phone, they’d have every right to be upset with me.
CHJ
And I think part of the problem for OP is that her mom pushed the idea that she would help with the kids — and OP cancelled a babysitter because of it — and then her mom wasn’t helpful at all. And also that she keeps pushing the frequency of visits under the guise of being helpful.
SC
Every family and family member is different. We are fortunate, and in our family, grandparents are often helpful. Usually, we communicate the expectations before they visit. Sometimes we specifically ask a grandparent to watch our kid so we can do some housework or to babysit so we can run some errands. Other times, a grandparent calls ahead and asks if they can come by for a visit, which typically means they just want to hang out for a while. We are free to say “no” if it’s not a good time. My parents live out of town and visit for a week 3-4 times a year. Whenever they leave, the house is sparkling, the laundry is done, and we’ve caught up on sleep. They’re superheroes in our book.
Sarabeth
Grandparents don’t have to be helpful – but if they are not, they should not complain about waiting until it’s actually a convenient time for them to visit. Getting ‘grandkid time’ shouldn’t come at the expense of the nuclear family’s stress and annoyance.
Walnut
I think you can certainly dictate which weekends work well and which don’t. My parents are helpful when they’re around, but that doesn’t mean they come visit on weekends when my husband is on call for work or we have conflicting plans. As a vice versa, I don’t visit them on weekends when they have big church events going on.
Plan it out in advance and set your expectations to not plan on getting anything else done that weekend because you have a guest in town.
anon
My mother is equally difficult and disappointing due to mental health problems. It took me a long time (and much anguish) to get to this point, but I now 1) accept that she will never be “helpful” or meet my needs in any way, and therefore have no expectations of her; and 2) feel completely comfortable setting boundaries with her — she visits, but certainly not whenever and as frequently as she would prefer.
Anonymous
I think you’ll need to change your expectations – that she won’t help you, won’t help the kids, and these are social visits only in the way that they’ll be. If you reset your expectations, some of the annoyance may go away.
Or tell her the visits won’t work and set boundaries.
Anon
+1 I think given her background, your expectations of her are extremely high. You can’t rely on her for child care – that’s been proven. Substance abuse while at your house hasn’t been proven.
OP Here
I guess I was hoping she would surprise me. I set the expectation the day before and she agreed to it. I had a sitter lined up for the day but cancelled because she assured me she could watch them. I guess I just wish she’d be the grandma that she claims to be and wants to be, she just doesn’t have the ability to be that person.
Drug and alcohol problems aside, isn’t it weird to visit to someone house and then lay on their couch all day, interact with no one, and then get up and expect someone to feed you dinner? She can do that at home. Is it unreasonable of me to tell her that when she comes down she can not lay on the couch all day? I don’t want my kids to think that’s normal . They’re little now but soon they begin to wonder, “why does grandma come to visit us but then she just lays on the couch and doesn’t play with us?” I don’t want them to ever think that.
Anonymous
I think it’s bad manners. If you visit people, it’s to see them, no? If you want to ignore them and play on your phone, just stay home (or be “asleep” and stay in the guest room an extra half hour or stay in a hotel so you’re only visiting for the time you actually want to spend with other people).
My ex-BIL came to visit twice and took over our main TV to watch college sports. Not as a communal “hey, let’s watch the big game” but as his solo /shushing others activity for the whole time he was here (and we never see them, so it was sort of a special visit). At any rate, one of the many reasons I was not sorry to see him go.
Anonymous
Is turning on the TV in someone else’s house and watching what you want a thing that people do now? Like when they’re guests? (So not the BF who is over 3 nights a week.)
ace
Yes, it’s totally weird (objectively), but at this point it’s not weird for your mom. I’m so sorry — sounds like a tough situation.
Anonymous
You might consider grieving the mom you haven’t/won’t have. She is unlikely to surprise you (if she does, it’s a bonus). It may not be your normal, but it seems it is her normal. And you can teach your kids that. “Grandma has health issues that make her tired.”, etc.
anon
No, you cannot tell an adult that she can’t sit, recline, lay, etc. on your furniture when she visits you. You should also back down from this “I don’t want my kids witnessing this behavior!” stance. She’s sitting on the couch watching TV, not shooting meth. If you want her to come around less often then tell her that. But don’t act like you have some moral mandate to protect your children from someone who *GASP* spends her Saturday lounging around watching Netflix.
Anonymous
Agreed. You kids will understand that there are different rule for them and grandma.
Anon
+100
OP Here
My point is that you do not go visit someone to watch netflix on their couch for 8 hours on a Saturday. I think that’s pretty reasonable.
anon
No one is disagreeing with you that she’s being a bad guest. Her rudeness notwithstanding, you don’t get to instruct adults to conduct themselves as you would like them to.
Anonymous
Disagree. We don’t allow our kids screen time. If someone comes to my house and turns on the tv, I’m totally saying “Actually, we don’t have the tv on when the kids are awake.” followed by picking up remote and turning off the television. If they don’t like it, they can leave. Don’t show up, be rude AF and expect someone to be polite in return.
Anon
Ok, then you probably can’t have guests while your children are present and too young for television. The OP’s mom is a rude guest, everyone agrees. But you sound like a rude host.
Anonymama
Wait, what? That’s ridiculous! We have house guests regularly and they have never ever turned on the tv or even asked to. And I’ve almost never watched tv when a guest at someone’s house, unless it was like the World Cup or the World Series or something like that, never justrurning on he tv to see what’s on.
Anonymous
Actually we regularly have guests. We just have friends and family that are fine with the tv not being on in the daytime. If the people who visit you can’t survive 8 hours without television (2 hour toddler nap in afternoon), then you need friends/family who actually want to spend time with you.
Anonymous
Plus, people have their phones. They can sneak a little screen time if they truly must. Not turning on a big screen in their house while I’m visiting while the kid is up is like not blasting the stereo while someone is sleeping — it is OK.
It’s *better* to know the house rules in advance (like to bring heavy socks and/or house slippers for a no-shoe house). But it’s airline travel — a bit of an inconvenience that most of us are able to be flexible about.
Sarabeth
I cannot imagine turning on the TV in someone else’s house without asking first. It’s astonishingly rude in the social circles I’m familiar with. I would not hesitate to politely tell someone that we actually don’t have the TV on around the kids/during the day/whatever.
If hosting meant allowing guests to do literally anything they wanted in our houses, no one would ever want to host! Keeping up a social life is possible because we all generally share an expectation that guests abide by the house rules of the house (and if those are too onerous, you don’t have to come back).
Anon at 11:13
What makes you a rude host is the “if they don’t like it, they can leave,” not the tv being off. We don’t have a tv, so the people who visit us must actually want to spend time with us. (That comment also made you sound rude btw.)
AEK
I’m sorry, I think this is off base. My dad was a pill addict and his presence was very disruptive in our house. At one point I had to drive him to urgent care during a visit because he didn’t bring enough dope to keep him fixed for the whole visit, and he was freaking out.
Having a drug user lying on a couch in a common area is disconcerting and disruptive. Especially when it then involves shouting out orders or requests or falling asleep (passing out) at odd times that prevent others from using the space. And the *gasp* Netflix thing is totally out of line snark.
This not about being inhospitable to a guest. It is intolerance for disruptive conduct that can be jarring for anyone.
And this is pure ignorance: “she’s not shooting meth.” Opioids are legal heroin. The effects are the same. More power to you if you would be cool with having someone high on heroin around your toddlers— I’m in the that’s totally nuts category there.
anon
No real advice, just commiseration. I’ve been working for the past year to accept that my mother isn’t going to “help” with our kids when she comes to visit, despite what she says. (Or, at least, her definition of help and mine are very different.) Once I set the proper expectation for myself, it really improves my attitude during her visits. I am not dealing with a parent with addiction issues, so I cannot speak to that, but I think you have to accept what your mother will and will not do w/r/t your children and set the proper expectation for yourself.
Anon
I didn’t read all the comments and I know this is late- but my sister is a couch-layer. It’s horrible, and not normal. It’s not normal for her, either.
Sis loves kids, *really* lives my kids and is a super hands on fun aunt. She was so abided with bipolar as a result of/engaged by/some way related to alcoholism that she developed in college and lived with until she was 29 and hospitalized and we found empty bottles hidden all over her apartment.
She was diagnosed with bipolar and got sober and has been sober since. But as a result the low points of her disease are really noticeable in a way that the booze masked them to her oblivious family before. She came to visit and sat on my couch on her phone while life went on around her. She peaced out at 8pm every night, ignored the entire family to the point my 4 year old was sitting at her feet with a book wanting to read and getting no response etc. it was a huge change from her usual behavior (she was my kids’ nanny for a summer and says it was the best job she ever had. She really loves our kids.).
Calico
You should absolutely tell her those things! It’s great to be direct about your expectations with addicts. My mother was like this my entire life. It took me a long time to realize I could assert my boundaries with her because I was completely at her mercy growing up and didn’t learn about boundaries. I can think of a couple things that may be at play. 1. She actually isn’t using while at your house, and this lethargy is the side effect, the come down, if you will will. 2. A wise family member once told me that addicts stunt their emotional growth at whatever age they start using. For my mom, this was certainly true and even when she was sober, she didn’t have the emotional faculties to handle challenges of any sort. Wishing you the best, it’s an awful ride. Don’t be afraid to cut off contact altogether and focus on your family. There are many days I wish I had.
JuniorMinion
I think you have to plan that she will not be helpful. I can imagine it must be frustrating, I do not have children but have parents and in laws who, due to a hodge podge of issues, are drains rather than helpful. It is hard to watch my friends get help / enjoy their time with parents / in laws but I need to accept reality on reality’s terms, and it definitely plays into my / my husband’s discussions of children. We know that all babysitting / child watching / anything else would need to be hired.
I think there are two things to consider:
1) assume you will need to hire help / be the primary parent even if your mother shows up. Frame it in your brain as you will make all plans as if she doesn’t exist
2) Consider the impact / influence you want your mother to have on your children. I have some personal experience with this as my (deeply flawed) mother left me often as a young child with my grandmother who had serious untreated mental illnesses. It was damaging, and I probably would have been better off with your average neighborhood 16 year old.
These are just based on my personal experience / how I have dealt with less than ideal family situations. I wish you the best though and you have my sympathy.
Anonymous
Tell her she can’t come all weekend. And know that when you do let her come, you should anticipate her being about as helpful as a potted plant.
Anonymous
I would consider option 3 — tell her not to come as often and tell her why. But I would give your husband input into the decision. Yes, she’s your mom, but you don’t need to see her (or anyone with this level of baggage) that frequently.
al anon
You are incredibly strong and so sorry you are having to deal with this. Sounds like you have a lot of insight into addiction and your powerlessness over the situation. Just wanted to recommend Al Anon a resource that has helped me to set boundaries/expectations with people who are struggling in my family. Perhaps you already go or have gone, but I have found the meetings, readings, and fellowship to be immensely helpful for me. Take care of you and your young family first. Detach with love.
H
I don’t have anything new to add but agree with the others that you just can’t count on her for child care and don’t expect it, even if she says she’s game.
I also agree with you about her laying on the couch all day. Kind of strange and I would totally be annoyed too, especially if it is in the main room where the kids play. It sounds like you just need to have a direct conversation about all of it. It won’t be easy, but worth it.
SC
I’m sorry your mom didn’t give you and your family the attention you all deserved and that she committed to. You probably know this, but you are going to have to adjust the expectations of your mother. What she “should” do and what she says she’s going to do won’t matter. Expect that when she visits, she’s not going to be helpful. In light of that, you should plan less frequent and shorter visits. It is absolutely not passive aggressive to say, “This weekend won’t work for us.” You do not have to let her guilt you into a visit. If you allow her to visit, it’s probably a losing battle to control her behavior, even though her behavior is rude. The best you can do is to treat her as a guest, be available for her and your children when she visits, and maybe plan some activities out of the house for everyone to do together. If that means your mom visits less often because you’re busy people, oh well.
Anon
There’s that expression – how do you know an addict is lying? There’s sound coming out of their mouth.
I’m not saying your mom is using or isn’t using, but those patterns of lying and hiding are still there in many sober addicts.
You can’t interact with her the way you interact with other adults. You already know that if you ask her to watch the kids, her answer doesn’t mean anything. She could say yes or she could say no, but the outcome would be the same with both.
You’re smart not to let her watch the kids alone.
I wouldn’t have her back at my house unless it was convenient for me. It sounds like the weekend she came (this weekend?) was a particularly stressful one and you would have been perfectly reasonable to refuse her visit and go with your original plan of relying on a sitter.
When you do allow her to come back again, don’t expect help, and don’t expect any activity other than laying on the couch from her. If she asks you whey you don’t want her to visit be honest, “Mom, I love you, but you don’t really help with the kids, let’s be honest.”
JTX
I’m really surprised at a lot of these responses.
Your mother has a history of drug use and, based on her behavior, you have good reason to believe she is actively abusing drugs. You should not expose your kids to an active addict regardless of whether she is helpful or not. I would be honest with her the next time she asks to come for a visit. “Mom, last time you visited, you were disruptive and unhelpful, even though you offered to help. I’m worried you are abusing drugs again. I’m sorry, but my children are my priority, and I have to protect them. You can’t come visit right now.”
If you must allow her to come visit, require her to stay in a hotel and meet her for meals and outings outside your home. That way you can leave immediately if her behavior is off.
I would recommend seeking therapy and looking into ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings in your area.
Also, if you want further advice, I am a big fan of this message board: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
Anon
+1. I think a lot of the comments above apply IF the parent doesn’t have a history of drug/alcohol abuse. One of my in-laws LOVES watching TV and doesn’t lift a finger to help (whether we are our house or theirs). It’s an inconvenient and slightly frustrating visit – our kids also go stir crazy and become naughty when they are cooped up inside all day, but we wouldn’t have any concerns that our kids won’t be appropriately supervised if the relative were to watch them. “If you don’t like our rules, you can leave” does not make you a bad host with a known drug user – it makes you smart and careful with your children. Any therapist would advise you to put up this exact boundary with a known user.
OP Here
JTX, I understand your points. I would totally do this and I’m prepared to do this should she fall off the bandwagon given her history but I have no proof that she’s using. She didn’t seem under the influence of any substances and appeared to be being extremely lazy. Without forcing her to pee in a cup I don’t have any proof. Nothing that she did put my children in danger. I feel like this would be a little bit strong of a reaction. I’m guessing you disagree?
Maybe I don’t need proof…maybe my intuition is enough.
JTX
Sorry for the late reply. I understand your reservations, but exactly how would you obtain proof if she was using? Are you waiting for her to display whatever awful behavior precipitated her last five rehab visits? She has to earn your trust back, and it doesn’t sound like she has.
My situation is a bit different; I have a parent with a significant mental illness who refuses to seek help. Although I love my father, I only allow him limited contact with my kids. I do not trust him, but that is his fault, and he could rectify it, but he has not or cannot done so.
I’m not saying you have to cut your mother out of your life, but don’t ignore your instincts that something is off. And don’t feel obligated to let your mother come disrupt your family’s weekends out of guilt or obligation. If you (and your kids, and your husband) do not enjoy these weekends with your mother, that is reason enough for things to change.
JTX
I replied but it seems to be stuck in moderation. Short version: You should not let your mom visit if you suspect she is an active addict. Get therapy, look into ACOA meetings, perhaps post on DWIL Nation (google it) for advice.
Fire
Any advice on removing smoke smell from a home? We had a fireplace miscalculation this weekend that resulted in some of the smoke coming into the room rather than going up the chimney. We corrected the flow of the smoke and thought all was well, but now the whole house smells like smoke. Other than leaving all the windows up for the last two days, which has helped some, is there anything else we can do?
Scarlett
This happened to us recently, we got an air filter and left it running for a couple of weeks plus windows open whenever we could. Eventually it cleared up, but it took a long time – almost a month.
JayJay
Agreed. We had a kitchen fire and opening all the windows and doors to create a cross-breeze for a few days, plus running all the exhaust fans in the bathrooms/kitchen, plus washing the linens that were exposed to it were the most help. We don’t have drapes, but I would recommend either steaming or dry cleaning those, if you have them. It took about a week for our house to stop smelling like a BBQ joint.
Curious
As someone without the joy of a real fireplace, what do you mean by “miscalculation”? What happened, exactly?
Anonymous
Not, the OP, but I imagine it had to do with the flue being in the correct position (open vs shut), which would affect the way the air flows in the fireplace.
OP
You got it! This is our first winter with the joy (though I may be relegated to using that term loosely for a while) of a real fireplace. Most (all?) fireplaces have a flue that directs the air to flow up and out the chimney. You can close the flue when the fireplace is not in use. I believe this helps keep cold from creeping in through the open chimney. But apparently I don’t really understand fireplaces as well as I thought, so what do I know?
We had the flue open but felt like the fire wasn’t creating any warmth, so we thought we could adjust it to make it warmer. I now recommend NOT doing that.
COtoNY
This happens to us somewhat frequently, though the smell has only lasted a couple days at most. For us, it’s a draft issue– the flue will be open but we believe the direction of the wind near the exit of the chimney has changed, which doesn’t allow the smoke out for a few minutes at a time.
lifer
Keep airing it out.
And if you want, you could rent an industrial grade HEPA filter and run it all night in common areas (or whenever you close things up?).
Anon
I think traditional fireplace fires have been proven to actually reduce the temperature in your house. It might be slightly warm right around the fire but all the warm air in your house gets sucked out the chimney. That’s why wood pellet stoves became so popular in the 1970s-1980s. They are closed up and generate actual heat.
For our fireplace to draw correctly, we have to slightly open a window near the fireplace. I live in the bay area so it’s never really COLD outside, but it can be chilly. Basically, the fireplace is about ambience only. As a result we use the fireplace only once in a blue moon, not even annually.
rosie
In addition to running portable air filters, make sure you are regularly changing out your HVAC filter (we do it every 3 months). You can also look at getting different types of filters (some specify for pets, odors, etc.).
BB
I’m feeling kind of bad about potentially skipping a friend’s wedding. She’s a close friend, but not BFF and I”m not in the wedding. It’s in Hawaii, and I live on the east coast. Pretty much everyone else lives on the west coast. For various work reasons, I can only do a long weekend for this, so I’m looking at 10-12 hours of travel with a connection each way. I really just don’t want to do this, but don’t want to damage the friendship. I can afford it, but the travel is going to be awful and I’m an introvert, so the party itself isn’t even a draw. I know it depends on the person, but assuming she’s pretty reasonable, would this be something that would break the friendship? Only save the dates have been sent so far.
Anonymous
Reasonable people understand when even close friends are not able to attend their wedding. Reasonable people would not destroy a friendship over the lack of attendance. They might be disappointed, but they would understand.
Senior Attorney
+1 and I think a reasonable person would completely understand an East Coast friend not being able to make a wedding in Hawaii.
Terry
I’d call her, say you won’t be able to make the wedding, but make definite plans to visit her and her fiance some other time. If you show her you value the friendship it’ll be ok.
emeralds
Agreed. It’s a destination wedding in Hawaii, you live on the East Coast, and you have prior commitments. I don’t think any rational person who you’d want as a friend is going to hold it against you if compensate with another visit, thoughtful gift, etc.
Walnut
You’ll apologize profusely for being unable to attend, send a nice gift, and plan a trip to visit after the wedding. I can’t imagine this will destroy the friendship.
CHJ
I think it’s a much bigger deal to not attend a wedding when it is local(ish) rather than when you need to travel 10-12 hours to get there. People who have destination weddings understand that a lot of their guests won’t be able to make it – that’s just one of the downsides that’s baked into a destination wedding. So I would express your disappointment in not being able to make it, send a nice gift, and show a lot of enthusiasm for the wedding photos when they come out.
BB
Thanks, everyone! This is making me feel a lot better! I will definitely call and I have an awesome gift in mind to send.
Anonymous
Send a nicer than usual gift, an effusive card, and your regrets.
anon
Is there a reason you think she expects you to come? I agree with CHJ – people who plan far-flung destination weddings (should) know that not everyone will make it. In fact that’s sort of the point of having a destination wedding. You keep attendance low. Unless the couple has said something to you to make you think they’re expecting you to show up, I’d think they assume you aren’t going to come. I don’t think breaking the news to them is going to be a thing at all.
BB
We had a “oh man, Hawaii would be awesome!” conversation about it last year at a different friend’s non-destination wedding, but I mean, it wasn’t really the forum to discuss work commitments and actual travel issues.
Anonymous
She would obviously understand. If she doesn’t, you probably don’t want to be friends with her.
Anon
You’re not going to damage your friendship. People might say things like “oh, you missed such a fun time” but they won’t say “wow, so and so is such a b1tch for not attending.” This is what happens with destination weddings, and perhaps by design. Many, many people can’t attend for a variety of really valid reasons.
Very important tall boot musings
I tried on the Aquatalia Rhumba (tall boots with high heels). Some observations:
1. If you have skinny calves and ankles, these are 100% the boots for you. I have a pair of LaCanadiennes and they look totally baggy by comparison.
2. What do I wear with these? I am thinking dresses and with tights. Dresses should end ideally slightly above the knee. Maybe shifts and even sheaths (something like the MMLaFleur Etsuko) since the boots are so sleek?
3. I tried to google styling ideas and got a bunch of Kate Middleton pictures back (from at least 5 years ago, so I am waaay behind the times, I guess). I guess that’s better than a Kardashian? The boots look great on her (query whether that will be as true for Carole Middleton, her mother, who I more resemble at this point in my life).
4. I am hoping that these won’t be the sort of boots that are very easily ruined (or I keep in the closet to avoid ruining). They are very pretty and spendy (for me).
5. I can see how a bootie version of a sleek high heeled boot would a great help if you wear a lot of pants in the winter.
6. I usually hate high skinny heels and found these boots to be both stable and comfortable. There is a bit of a small platform (is that just old and dated? It didn’t look bad on this boot, but I would never buy platform shoe (other than a funky wedge) now.
Any other thoughts on these boots are welcome (last week they were on a very good (for them) sale at Nordstrom).
Aquatalia
I have essentially the flat version of the Rhumba (I think they’re called the Aquatalia Gaia? can’t remember – few years old at this point). I have them in black leather, not suede.
I wear them with dresses and skirts, paired with black opaque tights. I prefer my dresses/skirts to just cover my kneecap, so that’s what I do – you do you.
Mine are going strong after 3 years of wear, including in snow and ice.
Very important tall boot musings
How tall are you? I’m 5-4 and one thing that gives me a slight pause is that they might be slightly better on a slightly taller person.
Aquatalia
5-8
Anonymous
Thanks!
OMG I am over my slight/slightly quota and it’s not even noon!
Shopaholic
I have very similar suede boots and I wear them to work (almost exclusively) with skirts and dresses/tights. I like skirts and dresses to hit above the knee, mostly because I’m on the shorter side and I find anything longer is a bit frumpy on me.
I would stick to your usual skirt/dresses and enjoy! I love my boots.
Amanda
Thanks! I have them on my list for next season – I can’t find anymore in my size anywhere.
ck
Totally agree on your points.
I have the La Canadienne version, as I couldn’t bring myself to spring for the priceier Rhumbas.
Agree that skirts and dresses (and I prefer shifts/sheaths) with tights are the way to go. Agree that shorter skirts work a bit better and are work appropriate with tights.
I also have the high bootie version of these boots, and just ordered the low bootie of this style. They are fantastic for pants. The high bootie also looks great with skirts/tights, and works with cropped pants. The low bootie will be for my wider leg pants.
I would be carefully about spot cleaning your boots with diluted vinegar after a day in the snow/salt, and re-scotch guarding them at the beginning of every winter.
Anonymous
Does Aquatalia run narrow in the front? I would love to try them, but have a widish forefoot.
Very important tall boot musings
Defering a bit to Aquatalia on this if she could say better.
My feet are triangular: narrow heel (and narrow width as a child). After some broken toes, my forefoot is B to slightly wider width now, depending on brand (e.g., I cannot wear Stuart Weitzmans and Ferragamos often hurt my feet, so I don’t even try them on now); Cole-Haan is also too snug. I’ve had very good luck with Taryn Rose shoes back in the day and Brooks Brothers (both in M width). Dirty Monkey are the cheap shoes that also fit me well.
The Aquatalias fit really, really comfortably. It was pretty shocking. I’m pretty picky (and the pickiness increases as the cost increases, so for $500, it had better be perfect). You might be pleasantly surprised (if your wallet can handle the shock).
Cat
I just bought the Aquatalia Giadas as part of the same sale (down to $350 from $600 and tons of sizes are still left in black suede, ladies!)
I wear either a 7 or 7.5 (medium width) in dress shoes; I typically take the larger size in JCrew pointed-toe heels as well as Ferragamo. I have a slightly narrow heel (couldn’t wear slip-on shoes until past the time I was embarrassed to be in Mary Janes).
I ended up keeping the Aquatalia in 7.5; they’re a touch big in the heel but much better than my JCrew knee high boots. They have a comfortable amount of room in the front; more than I thought there would be given the moderately pointed toe. Love them!
SE asia in the summer
I’m thinking about going to Southeast Asia in July and August. I think we want to do Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam. It seems like this is the rainy season there, but I’ve read that a lot of people travel during that season and it’s lovely. Any personal experiences or recommendations? Should I spring for this or pick a different place?
Anonymous
I’ve been to Thailand in August and it was indeed rainy in the islands. If this is a once in a lifetime trip for you and you want nice weather, go during the non-rainy season.
SE asia in the summer
Did it rain all day, or was it short rains in the afternoon or something?
Anonymous
It was rainy/cloudy most days. There was one day where it cleared up. That’s not to say that you can’t have good weather, but not unlikely. I think Bangkok is drier/sunnier.
Anonymous
The Gulf side will be a lot better than the Andaman Sea side in August. On Koh Samui and Koh Tao, the rainy season doesn’t really start until October or so. It will be rainy in Phuket and the Phi Phi Islands in August.
Anon
It’s incredibly hot and humid. Southern Vietnam stays in the 80s even in December. And if the rain is bad enough, it will create flooding that cripples the entire transportation network, including the inability to land at the airport. I was from there so obviously the pollution and traffic jams and constant honking are not novelties, but more like things I want to run away from. Might be different/interesting to a visiting foreigner. Central and northern regions offer more scenery and history if you’re interested in those.
For southern Vietnam at least, it’s only ever dry from mid November to early spring, which I recommend for the milder temperatures too. Way too hot starting from April and beyond.
It’s also not an easy country to navigate on your own. Cambodia’s slightly less chaotic and Thailand’s slightly more modern (as in they have a metro system).
EM84
I travelled only im winter to enjoy the dry season. I would personally pick a different place. Once there, you would be disapponted to see all the beautiful places and beaches – only to find out that you cannot stay and enjoy the place bc it is going to rain soon. What about Australia or New Zealand? The weather should be fine ;)
s
We’ll be in Northern Vietnam and Siem Reap in July. We have to travel then because the kids will be in summer camp. We’ve accepted that it will be hot and rainy. We’re not planning any beach resorts, and we made sure all the hotels have pools and A/C to cool off. We also decided against certain rural areas that are known for severe flooding. I sorted Tripadvisor reviews so I only saw June-August, and it was clear that lots of Americans, Australians, etc. are traveling there at that time of year and having a good time. So I was hesitant but we just said F it, let’s do it.
That said, when we did Thailand last year, we made sure to go in February, even though we had to take the kids out of school (they got to come on that trip). Still hot but not as bad, and almost no rain. It was a great trip!
Wedding food
Feeling stressed about wedding catering and my wedding in general. Our venue is super DIY – outdoors (tent), no kitchen/staging area, water via a hose. Casual hipster details like mason jar flowers, short wedding dress.
We’d been planning on getting barbecue from a beloved local place. Everyone in our families keeps turning their nose up at that. I think they envision a pile of messy saucy ribs. But the food would be fork-and-knife, i.e. brisket, grilled chicken, pulled pork. And sides like broccoli slaw, corn fritters. I get that barbecue has sauce, but so does most food served at weddings. (Looking at you, gazpacho at my sister’s black-tie affair)
Is BBQ tacky and cheap? The place we are thinking of delivers and would set up a buffet. I feel like this will be so much better than any moderately priced “normal wedding caterer” since there is no kitchen/indoor space. They’d have to deliver pre-cooked salmon, pasta, whatever. In my experience, that kind of catered food is really mediocre. Whereas BBQ is delicious, keeps, and can be cooked in quantity.
My future MIL is paying for rehearsal dinner and just sent around the sample menu, which is chichi and expensive. So maybe that is why I’m freaking out.
Also, any ideas with regard to appetizers? Is it weird/cheap to not offer them? The caterer doesn’t have them so we’d have to supply separately. We were thinking locally made soft pretzels and pickles (so hipster..) but people keep turning their noses at that too.
Also, my mom keeps calling my Brooklyn wedding a “destination wedding.” Can I just elope..
Anonymous
BBQ is nice! Work with the caterer to get apps or pick a different one. There are at least a dozen BBQ places in NYC. You need staff to clear plates, replenish food etc, not just drop off trays. You have bathrooms? You’re good.
CHJ
BBQ is awesome and perfect for a casual wedding. It sounds like your family wants you to have a different kind of wedding entirely, considering what your MIL is doing for the rehearsal dinner and your mom’s comments about Brooklyn. The absolute worst part of planning a wedding is that family members (especially parents) complain constantly about all of your choices. But it’s also a first chance to stand up for yourself and your new little family. It’s clear from your post that this is what you really want, so do it!
As for appetizers, I would love soft pretzels and pickles. It sounds like your family’s reaction is going back to wanting a fancier wedding, yet again.
Babyweight
“my wedding” – Yes, it’s y’all’s wedding. I also see “sister’s black tie affair.” Remember, y’all do y’all.
BTW, BBQ is not “tacky.” It’s not “cheap.” Done well, it’s artistry and much better than any run-of-the-mill caterer. One appetizer idea I love that may work for you — a savory grits bar. Google it. It’s a nice warm up to BBQ style food and can be a conversation starter. Quality. Authentic. Go on with your hipster self.
Add in some craft beer and some sort of batch whiskey cocktail and man, that’s a reception! Can I get an invite?
Anon
Mmmmm, I want a grits bar. This thread is making me so hungry!!!
Delta Dawn
I have been to weddings like you are describing, and people have served BBQ just like you are envisioning, and it was perfectly lovely. It fits in perfectly with your casual hipster vibe. If people are turning up their noses, they are rude and their opinions don’t matter.
I agree that if you went with the typical wedding caterer, it’s more likely to be mediocre in this setting (delivered, pre-made, etc). You’re probably feeling a little funny about it in comparison to the rehearsal dinner, since it sounds a little more formal. But that’s fine– just remember they are two separate events and can have completely separate approaches. You can have a chichi fancy rehearsal dinner and a casual hipster BBQ wedding. And both will be fantastic.
You can do it without appetizers; they are not necessary and it won’t be weird not to have them. If you do have them, local pretzels and pickles are adorable. And the nose-turner-uppers are still rude. No matter what you do, someone will have a few snarky thoughts. And who cares?! You do what YOU want to do, and that way you’ll love it. I think it sounds wonderful.
Anonymous
I beg to differ re. the necessity of appetizers. If you are going to have the reception immediately after the ceremony (meaning that people don’t have a chance to run and grab something to eat) and are not going to serve dinner right away, you need to provide appetizers of some type just to keep people from starving.
Local pretzels and pickles would be great.
Terry
One of my favorite things about my cousins wedding was the contrast between the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. The rehearsal dinner was a sit down 4 hour dinner. The wedding at food stations and was much more casual. I say go for it!
Also, I’ve been to a wedding with BBQ and it was excellent.
Baconpancakes
Girl! It’s one thing for family to feel like they have to be a part of your wedding, and to make it reasonable for them to attend (like not having a pig roast – and only a pig roast – for your vegetarian family, or throwing the wedding in Bali when you know your grandmother can’t afford the ticket). It’s entirely another thing to throw them the wedding THEY want. If your mother and MIL want to have a party at Gramercy Tavern, let them. You want BBQ outdoors in Brooklyn? You do you!
It is a little weird not to offer appetizers – but only because people get hungry and they like to mingle. If you set out cheese and crackers and pickles, that counts, and can be delightful. I love pickled vegetables.
And for the record, I’m into fancy, and I would seriously consider BBQ at my potential wedding if the best BBQ weren’t pork and thus not really ok for a Jewish wedding.
PatsyStone
Instead of appetizers could you have a snow cone truck come by for a before dinner treat? I would love that. The barbecue sounds like the perfect choice for the feel of the event. And everyone with a silly opinion should be politely disregarded (unless they’re paying).
pugsnbourbon
Ooh, what about boozy sno-cones?
ck
Your food plans sound fantastic. Almost universally, wedding food is disappointing and unmemorable. Yours sounds like it will be both potentially tasty and incredibly memorable.
Go for it! Your family will enjoy it in the end.
“
anonshmanon
this.
CountC
I don’t eat meat and I still think BBQ for weddings is great! BBQ is delicious!! And it’s not like you won’t have napkins available. You do you.
H
I went to a wedding that served barbecue and the venue was really nice and it was fine. Did not cheapen the wedding at all. If that is what you want, go for it!
Meg March
Hooboy. This sounds like my wedding planning, down to the BBQ, Brooklyn, appetizer delimna and casual setting. So here’s my advice: Do it your way.
BBQ is awesome, and you’re right about the setup difficulties for other cuisines. We considered it, but went with another (also non-traditional) caterer. Here’s the way to do it: We’re going to have bbq! It’s so us! We’ve been to the restaurant before and we love it!
Exclamation points are key. Don’t sound like you’re questioning it. Every time you get called a hipster, laugh and agree like they said something funny but sure, you guess that applies to you.
Every time your mom calls Brooklyn a destination, remind her that it’s easier to plan a wedding where you are. I’m assuming you’re in Brooklyn, since you mention beloved local BBQ, but substitute “we love Brooklyn!” if that’s not the case.
Your food is going to be delicious. No need for appetizers. Mimi’s Hummus catered ours. I’ve had SO MANY guests tell me that it was the best food they’d ever had at a wedding. To some of them, I’ve mused that we considered appetizers but decided against it, and EVERY SINGLE ONE has said they weren’t missed and they got plenty of food.
Where are you getting BBQ from? Dinosaur? Morgan’s? Mighty Quinn? Hill Country? I love bbq, and Brooklyn. :)
COtoNY
I agree with everyone else that BBQ is a great idea. I would love soft pretzels as an appetizer, and also think the grits bar suggested above is genius.
Before you choose a caterer, order some trays of the main dishes and leave them out/over sternos for a few hours to see how they will actually taste when people are eating them. You might realize that the caterer needs to add some liquid in the bottom of each tray to keep things moist, etc.
Anon
We had BBQ at our wedding and it was universally a HUGE hit. Super, super awesome.
We did not have appetizers beyond little paper bags (striped – artsy – cute) of nuts, pretzels, and popcorn that were set up near the bar and self-serve drinks stations. This is b/c we did 90% of our photos before the ceremony, and so there was really only about 20-30 minutes between the end of the ceremony and when we made our “entrance” into the reception and everyone helped themselves to the buffet, so people didn’t need anything too substantial to power themselves through 1-1.5 potential hours of photos.
SC
I’ve been to an outdoor DIY wedding that served BBQ. It was not tacky, and everyone had a great time. I don’t think they served appetizers, just opened the buffet relatively early in the reception. But pretzels and pickles sound delicious.
It sounds like you’re planning a wedding that you’ll enjoy and that your friends and family will be able to attend with just the normal amount of inconvenience and expense associated with weddings. You do you. (The only caveat I have is that you may have to compromise on some things if your parents are paying for all or a majority of the wedding, or just not accept the money. The truth is that sometimes money comes with strings attached.)
if BBQ is wrong I don't want to be right
I had an actual pig at my wedding (and BBQ). We’re from the part of the south where grits are for breakfast only (but I would have loved me some cheese grits — they help absorb the alcohol).
FWIW, I have so many Muslim and Jewish friends that I beg to differ with an above poster on whether you can make good BBQ with beef. Per me (tomato/vinegar hybrid) and the whole state of Texas (brisket), yes, yes, OMG yes, you can.
Baconpancakes
No no, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you can’t make good BBQ with beef. Beef ribs are amazing. It’s just that (in this Virginian’s opinion) pulled pork BBQ is the BEST BBQ. And if I served beef BBQ to my (Virginian) guests, they’d get really confused. Best to avoid the potential annoyance.
Anonymous
OMG brisket. That is all.
Anon
Yes, you can elope! And I highly recommend it!
But since you are already having a low-key wedding (and good for you for doing that) you are appropriately serving low key food. Tell everyone else to S T F U, seriously. I would love some barbecued brisket, mmmmm!
Everyone is going to have opinions on you wedding, and then everyone is going to have opinions on you marriage, and then everyone is going to have opinions on your family planning. Learn to tell them nicely to mind their own business.
Bonnie
Pretzels and pickles sound delicious. I think there’s nothing wrong with BBQ so long as there is something that vegetarians can eat.
Walnut
I was a huge fan of the BBQ at the one wedding I attended. As for appetizers, definitely have some munchies around before dinner, but it doesn’t have to be over the top. I’ve been to one with a popcorn bar and another that served chips and salsa. Both were huge hits.
Anonymous
Your wedding sounds awesome and pinterest-worthy. If you live in Brooklyn, it’s not a destination wedding. If you are coming in from out of town and your family doesn’t live there, then technically it is a destination wedding.
You do not need to make your reception “fancy” just to please your relatives, but you do still need to be a good host. This means providing a few necessities for your guests’ comfort and convenience: food in adequate supply and without undue delay, beverages, adequate seating, and reasonably clean restrooms with running water. As long as you’ve got that covered, no one can complain. But I’ve been to a few weddings lately where people were forced to wait a couple of hours to get anything to eat, stand outdoors in subfreezing weather for long periods of time, spend the whole evening standing (including very young children and elderly relatives) because the bride and groom purposely didn’t rent enough tables and chairs to “encourage people to mingle,” etc. etc. Please don’t let that be your wedding unless you want everyone to remember it for all the wrong reasons.
Senior Attorney
I think your plans sound amazing. Stick to your guns and ignore the haters! (I do echo the advice to make sure there is adequate seating and bathroom facilities. But I’m sure you’re on top of that!)
Anon
I went to two weddings in a row last fall. The first one had a very expensive sit-down, plated dinner. The second had a BBQ buffet. The BBQ was SO MUCH BETTER. Do the BBQ. Your guests will thank you.
Amy
Just keep repeating this to yourself: it’s my wedding, and my fiance and I can do what feels right to us. Because that’s the truth.
Barbecue sounds great and will probably make people very happy. I would rather have barbecue than mediocre fancy catered food any day of the week! Ditto the locally-made stuff as snacks for beforehand.
In general, the relaxed, low-key weddings I’ve been to were far more memorable and enjoyable than the fancy affairs. One of my friends did a taco bar at his wedding and let all of us DJ the dance music from an iPad; everyone LOVED that wedding. Because it was so him (and his fiancee). Do what you feel is a good representation of your tastes and what you like, and everything will be fantastic.
Anonymous
This basically was my wedding, and while the subsequent divorce sucked, everyone still says the party was nice!
Amiga
Yes, you can elope! Barbq does sound delicious and a nice change. You do you.
Lilly
I think your plans sound delightful.
bag follow up for ChiLaw
Paging ChiLaw!
Did you pick a bag? Asking because am looking for something similar!
ChiLaw
Ha, I got overwhelmed and gave up(/focused on the distressing mess of our national politics)! But I’m leaning toward the Baggallini Alberta Travel Tote Gold Hardware in charcoal off Amazon.
Anon
I have this exact bag, and it’s great. Holds a ton, looks nice, and isn’t heavy. Plus two outer pockets. (And, you know, the price.)
Bonus: I just sent it through the wash after my child hid a sippy cup full of milk in the main compartment, and it came through wonderfully.
ChiLaw
WOW, damn, I think you just sold me that bag.
Anon
My husband and I are using a tax preparer for the first time this year, and it’s making me ragey. I hate that all the paperwork says “taxpayer” and “spouse,” as if I’m not a taxpayer. I hate that our accountant automatically listed my husband as “taxpayer” and made sexist comments about my husband being breadwinner when I went to meet with him. I do make less than my husband does, but UGH.
Anonymous
Fire him. Hire someone else. Tell him why.
June
+1 we switched Realtors when the one we originally worked with made a comparable comment and talked only to my husband while ignoring me, standing there.
Anon
We fired a contractor who was doing our electrical/lighting work. He told my husband that he (my husband) should be the one to go pick out new lighting fixtures, because the wife would just go to Home Depot and pick out some cheap crap. My husband said, “you don’t know my wife!” (our dynamic is exactly the opposite.) THEN he asked my husband if we were going to send our kids to the elementary school down the street, because it had gotten pretty “dark” over the years since he went there himself.
Not only did we fire him, but we called our realtor who had recommended him and got him removed from the realtor’s recommendations list.
Diana Barry
Dude, I would totally switch accountants based on the sexist comments, and tell him that’s why you did it!
Anonymous
Is this really worth your rage?
Let it go.
Yep
Yes it’s worth your rage, do not let it go. Let the tax preparer go. I had a friend fire a realtor because realtor kept talking to only to her husband but ignoring her, wouldn’t return friend’s calls but would call husband back instead, etc. Do not pay someone for a service when they don’t view you as an equal person.
anon
Fire him, get someone else, and then let it go.
Anon
Yes, yes it is. Fire that m-f’er and don’t think twice about telling him exactly why.
OP
Can we really fire him if we already signed a contract? This is our first time doing this.
And to whoever told me to “let it go” – I reserve my right to be annoyed by antiquated systems that assume that households have only one income and that husbands make more than their wives.
Wildkitten
Yes. Read what the contract says – it’ll have a clause on how to get out of it. Contracts are for spelling out what happens when you break them.
Tax Attorney
The breadwinner comments are inappropriate, but seriously, “spouse” is not pejorative. The 1040 lists “taxpayer” and “spouse” because it’s an administratively practical way to identify persons on a joint return.
OP
I get that, and it still makes me angry. It’s outdated and should be changed. Why can’t it be “taxpayer 1” and “taxpayer 2”?
Bewitched
I’m sure you could be taxpayer and your spouse could be spouse. Why don’t you insist that the return be prepared in that fashion?
Anonymous
See below — pls don’t flip the existing order you’ve been using. Bless their hearts, but the IRS computers will EFF this up.
Anonymous
This “don’t flip the order” thing may be a thing accountants know, but it’s not a thing regular taxpayers know and the IRS forms don’t say a word about it. I’m sure millions of people do it each year.
AZCPA
Yes, millions of people do this, and then end up with a huge mess. Estimated payments don’t post to the account properly, extensions aren’t applied, etc. I am as feminist as they come, and on a newly married couple I always ask the couple who they would like to be primary, but if you’ve filed together it’s a done deal. Your preparer isn’t being sexist by saving you administrative headaches, and if you are mad at firms referring to taxpayer and spouse, write to the IRS. Your preparer can’t change it.
CPA Lady
The directions on form 1040 say this:
“”If you filed a joint return for 2015 and you are filing a joint return for 2016 with the same spouse, be sure to enter your names and SSNs in the same order as on your 2015 return.””
I know, I know, no one reads the directions.
CPA Lady
I know I’m all over this thread but I can’t help myself. Another issue that comes up with flipping the taxpayer and spouse names is if you ever need to request a transcript of a prior year return or if you give your CPA a POA to call the IRS on your behalf to sort out some kind of issue. The IRS is so underfunded and short staffed that getting any information out of them is a nightmare already and anything you can do to make that process easier is great.
Senior Attorney
We are filing jointly for the first time this year. I think I will insist on being “taxpayer” and Lovely Husband can be “spouse.”
Death to the Patriarchy!!
Anonymous
love it!
Senior Attorney
Alphabetical order, amirite?
Anonymous
Yes, please… get a grip….
I still say…. let it go.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen to some folks when something truly worthy of rage happens in your life.
Amy
This comment is condescending and inappropriately rude.
Anonymous
+1
Your life will go more smoothly if you learn that it’s not all about you. Live and let live.
No
If someone makes a sexist comment TO ME or in MY presence then it’s about me. I won’t stand for it and you shouldn’t either.
Anonymous
The Rage at the IRS may be futile, but the Rage at the accountant is not. DTMFA.
OP
Yes, well, sometimes I wonder why some folks use ellipses when they’re not necessary. The world is a mysterious place.
Anon
….by the way, I’m the taxpayer. My husband is spouse. I am also the breadwinner. Up yours, IRS.
Anonymous
Angry much? Is it because you are married to a man who doesn’t pull his weight? I can see how that would be grating….
Beans
Trolls are out in full force today.
ELS
Oh ho ho. Who says men have to be the breadwinners to pull their weight, Anonymous? That’s an antiquated and limiting view of masculinity.
If you want to live in that world, fine. Don’t impose it on the rest of us.
Anonymous
She came unglued over a tax form. I am just suggesting that there might be a deeper issue that is causing her to have a disproportionate response toward the IRS and her poor tax guy.
Anonymous
We used an accountant for a few years and it drove me CRAZY that she listed my husband as “taxpayer” and me as “spouse” when I was the one who organized all our financial info, sat in her office to do the taxes AND I made considerably more than my husband. I asked her to change it and she never did. I didn’t fire her because she was a great accountant and I didn’t want to go through the trouble of finding someone else, but it annoyed me. So, solidarity on the rage.
Anonymous
Seriously, you don’t change the order of taxpayer and spouse. You will get into all sorts of letter-writing hell with the IRS auto-generated forms when this happens.
ALSO, if you are marrying someone who used to be married and HIS ex has IRS problems, YOU need to start being the Taxpayer so your # will be the primary one (and not his, which is forever linked to the ex’s). Your IRS refund will be garnished (but you will get it back, but only after a million letters).
Anonymous
We used the accountant the first year we were married, so she wasn’t following a precedent. She made a sexist decision. Also, I flipped the order in 2013 when I started doing our taxes and have never received an IRS letter about it.
SC
My accountant does the same thing, even though I actually organize all the financial info, communicate with the accountant, and make more money. It’s always annoyed me. But I’ve always let it go because the relationship is through my husband and FIL, the accountant doesn’t make any actual sexist comments to me and is courteous and respectful, and he’s a good accountant.
CPA Lady
Okay, the sexist comments are rude and unacceptable, but “taxpayer” and “spouse” are what it says on the form/tax software itself. You have to list yourselves on page one of the return in the same order every year. If your husband has been “taxpayer” in years past, he has to be taxpayer going forward or the IRS gets confused. If you were listed at the top from the beginning, you would be taxpayer and your husband would be spouse. Your irritation at these technical terms is not something you should take out on this accountant, as he has literally nothing to do with them.
However. If this guy is being a sexist ass, you can totally fire him.
Anonymous
Really, the IRS gets confused? I’m the anon at 11:44 who was annoyed my accountant listed husband as taxpayer and me as spouse for several years. Our tax situation got less complicated, so the last few years I’ve done our taxes and listed myself as taxpayer and husband as spouse. I’ve never heard anything about it from the IRS. It also seems like there would be a large number of people who don’t know what they did the year before and switch it inadvertently.
Also if this is the first year they are married, then they were both “taxpayer” before.
Anonymous
Yes — I’ve filed with a dead person as the taxpayer and the surviving spouse as “spouse” in the year of the final joint return. Odd, but I did it the other way once and the poor surviving spouse had to deal with a lot of annoying IRS form letters (on top of everything else).
It’s not ideal, but an annoyance to avoid creating.
Anonymous
Seriously.
Whomever was first last year should always be first. Even for a final return (for the year where one person has died), don’t change the order. It messes everything up with the IRS! Taxpayer and spouse (in the same order) FOREVER.
CPA Lady
Also, I’m a CPA and prepare tax returns for a living and I’m “spouse” because the first couple years we were married (before I went back to school to become a CPA) my husband did our taxes and listed himself first. If this is your first year filing married, you can absolutely set yourself up to be taxpayer this year and going forward.
FWIW, just because the IRS doesn’t catch everything right away doesn’t mean they’ll never catch it (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t) or that it won’t cause problems down the line. A lot of people do use the same order year after year because the same spouse prepares the tax return year after year. Or if you go to the same tax preparer or use TurboTax, the software saves the order and keeps it in that order when the info is rolled over from one year to another.
AEK
breadwinner would seriously bug me.
I got upset with our mortgage broker when we bought a house, using both incomes for down payment, and he emailed my husband when everything was approved and said something to the effect of “let the wife know.” I wrote to him and said I am the “wife” but also the purchaser of this home with my own income. In future communications, please include all homeowners and feel free to use my name as well.
Anon
I LOVE this.
rosie
Our *former* tax accountant could not understand that I did not have the same last name as my husband. In addition to this being a generally problematic & sexist assumption, it seemed important that our taxes have my legal name on them.
OP
Thanks for all the solidarity, everyone!
CPAs, I appreciate your chiming in to clarify about the taxpayer/spouse thing and needing to continue to list the same person first every year. I do understand that this is not specific to my particular accountant and I wasn’t planning to tell him to switch the order so as not to confuse the IRS. However, as I said above, I think that the “taxpayer/spouse” terminology seems to be a relic of an earlier time and the IRS should jettison it. And in our case, the accountant listed my husband as taxpayer and referred to him as breadwinner before he’d even seen our previous years’ returns. And then in the section about direct deposit/withdrawal of refund or balance from our checking account, the accountant listed the account as belonging only to my husband even though it’s a joint account. Grrr.
Anonymous
Fair enough. I agree.
Anon beer lover
There have been some interesting discussions about alcohol here lately. I have a pretty specific question. I really enjoy a glass of cold beer. I live alone and I do want to reduce how much drinking I do on evenings when I’m just home alone (saving it for evenings out with friends). In no way do I think I drink much – I just enjoy a cold beer after a long bike ride or with some sushi in the evening. I’m hoping to find a good craft beer that is pretty low in alcohol content to keep in my fridge. My current amber ale is 5.5%. I tend to like amber ales, pale ales, and IPAs. What’s your favorite beer, perhaps in the 4% range?
mascot
Session beers are usually under 5% ABV. I like the Ballast Point Even Keel session IPA. Also, Shiner Bock is good beer and under 5%.
Anonymous
Kind of tangential, but I have a water glass I use for those kinds of just want a beer nights that only fits 3/4 of a bottle in it. I just pour the remainder in the sink immediately and dont miss it.
Bonnie
Just stick to your current beer. There’s really not that much of a difference between a 5.5% and a 4% if you’re only having one.
grey falcon
“Session beer” is a good search term. The All Day IPA from Founders is good.
Anonymous
Honestly there is no point in switching to decrease the alcohol percentage – the difference in negligible and has no discernible health impact. Continue to drink what you enjoy.
anon
Really? Don’t you save a bunch of calories by switching from a 8-10% beer to 4-5%? I know OP said her current beer is 5.5% but I read her post as asking for other options in that range, not just trying to save 1% ABV. It can be tough to find low-ABV craft beers.
Anonymous
Maybe, but she’s talking about going down a whopping 1%. You’re not saving a significant number of calories in that case.
anon
21st Amendment has some good ones. I like their watermelon beer in the summer. I’m not big on fruit beers but it’s not overly fruity or sweet and I think it’s in the 4% range. Namaste by Dogfish Head is a Belgian-style beer that comes in under 5%.
Baconpancakes
http://www.beeroftomorrow.com/calories-in-craft-beer/ Check this.
Snick
Try a shandy. Shandies generally have low ABV, around 4.0 or even lower, and are low in calories.
Parfait
Stiegl Grapefruit Radler is 2.5% and is delicious. Definitely not in the pale/IPA category, but give it a try! It’s very refreshing, especially on a hot day.
goldie
I’m looking for a pair of walking sneakers I can wear with skinny jeans for errands. And because I live in a cold-weather climate, I need sneakers I can wear with socks that don’t require me to expose my ankles to look blogger-cute. Help please!
Bonnie
I like my Onitsuka Tigers. They’re comfy and come in lots of colors.
bigfoot
They’re cute, but be forewarned that if you need a larger toe box these probably aren’t for you.
Veronica Mars
I’m intrigued by the merino wool ones from allbirds.
SF in House
Cole Haan Zero Grands, or one of the other “Grand” lines.
Anonymous
What’s your go to cough medicine? I came down with the flu a week and a half ago. My doctor gave me Tamiflu due to a positive flu test, which coincidentally invovled sticking a giant Q tip in my nose (of which I was unaware). I was sick in bed for 5 days, and while I’m feeling mostly better now I can’t shake the cough that wakes me up at night.
I asked my doctor for cough syrup, which she declined to prescribe. I’ve tried Nyquil pills and Robitussin syrup. Both knock me out, but I wake myself up with a hacking, dry cough around 2 or 3 AM. I’m exhausted. Any tips?
X
I work for a university, which has a free wellness center. The doctor I see there recommends Delsym or whatever generic the drugstore sells for it. It’s orange-flavored and seems to work pretty well. I’m taking it again this year.
Anna
Most research has shown that cough medicine has little to no effect. That said, I have had some luck with dextromethorphan (in Delsym and other cough syrups), but almost certainly because I’m a slow metabolizer and ended up with much higher than normal effects from a typical dose. I was also incapable of doing much of anything for several days, but I was pretty desperate after straining a rib muscle coughing. Lots of water and tea with honey are probably your best bet.
Wildkitten
Are you still congested? If the cough is caused by post-nasal drip, I like Mucinex. And if you don’t already have one, a humidifier might help you sleep at night.
Bonnie
The only thing that works for me are Tessalon pills but you need a prescription.
rosie
Zarbee’s, which is mainly honey and a few other supplements, if you just need to soothe your throat and quiet your cough.
Anon for this
Some people have weird side effects from DXM based cough medicine so try it at home first! My doctor suggested a larger than OTC dose and I ended up hallucinating a black and white cow in my bedroom. It was quite adorable but pretty scary since I could have had a less friendly hallucination.
Now my go to cough medicine is hot tea with whiskey in it. Preferably honey lemon tea.
No Problem
Why did your doc decline to prescribe? Call back and say you’re not getting any sleep and need something that will last through the night. Add in a concern about bruising a rib or straining muscles from so much coughing (I’ve done that before…it really sucks and recommend doing anything you can do avoid it). I got a prescription for cough syrup once when I had bronchitis and it made a huge difference helping me sleep over Nyquil, which only lasts 4-6 hours on me.
Godzilla
Sister (a doctor) has said that ibuprofen has proven to be the most effective at relieving coughs. Give it a whirl, it might help.
Anonymous
If anyone needs a little good news, my Canadian alma mater just announced that they are waiving application fees for those from the 7 affected countries and Americans as well. Super proud. https://gazette.mun.ca/campus-and-community/statement-from-memorial/
Trial Balloon for a Coup?
It’s late in the morning for this, but this read is ESSENTIAL for anyone who is deeply alarmed about current events.
https://medium.com/@yonatanzunger/trial-balloon-for-a-coup-e024990891d5#.pfd4nopwf
Anonymous
I didn’t read this until I saw it recommended on Jezebel as well. It definitely reads a little conspiracy theoryish to me. But, I was surprised by three things that it discussed:
(1) the extent to which Bannon wasn’t just added to NSC but others demoted, and
(2) Trump declaring his candidacy for 2020 so he can accept contributions – is that a normal thing? I feel like no?
(3) the issue of DHS being shady about their adherence to court orders – that seems shady.
anon
A declaration of candidacy this early is highly unusual. Typically candidates declare in the spring of the year before the election (Obama declared in early 2011).
Anonymous
So like normally Trump wouldn’t declare/file until Spring 2018?
Anonymous
That would be 2019, if following the Obama analogy. So it’s more than 2 years early.
Anonymous
Why do I feel like any donated funds are going to be used to ‘rent office space’ at skyhigh rates in Trump Tower?
anon
The super-early declaration of candidacy is also alarming because of how it could limit lobbying by non-profit organizations, many of which (per tax code) aren’t supposed to be trying to “influence elections.”
Jo March
That’s the most concerning part for me as well. Would that also limit those orgs’ ability to criticize policies?
Hatch/ Ethics
I am a clerk in a federal “specialty” court that does not deal with immigration, criminal justice, or other such hot-button issues. I am extremely concerned about recent political events and I participated in the Women’s March and a couple of local rallies in support of refugees. My social media is totally locked down if you aren’t my “friend,” but I do make a lot of political posts (visible only to friends), and my profile pic is currently me holding a sign at the Women’s March. I think I’m okay under the Hatch Act, but is there an ethics issue if my judge is unlikely (verging on 100% certainty) never to face these issues in court? If something legally crazy happened and we did face the issue, I would certainly discuss with the judge and recuse myself if appropriate. FWIW we have discussed politics and the judge is very much in agreement with my stances, but we haven’t specifically discussed the Women’s March or other activism.
(This is probably late for the morning post, so I plan to repost in the afternoon.)
Betty
Your obligations extend beyond the Hatch Act. You should have a booklet about your ethical obligations as a federal law clerk, please go review it. Your obligation extends to even the appearance of impartiality or impropriety, even when it is unlikely that your judge will hear a case that directly touches the issues.
Think of it this way, if someone were to see you on social media advocating for X cause, X cause also shows a partiality towards other issues that may or may not be related to an issue before your judge, and you have given the appearance of being partial.
Aside from voting, you really should avoid political involvement while clerking.
former fed clerk
This. You’re not supposed to be making those types of posts. Doesn’t matter if it’s just to your friends. They’re pretty clear on this when you start and the handbook re; ethical obligations is strict.
Governor
so I’m gearing up to call my senators, representative and wondering if I should extend that to my governor? I’m in MD and pissed that while my other reps (D) have spoken out he remains silent on issues that directly affect MD residents. Thoughts on how to phrase that? Gov Hogan is a republican…
Also in MD
Yes. Call him. Absolutely. He’s a republican in a democratic state – he knows that he potentially vulnerable on this stuff.
Anonymous
I’m also in MD. I admittedly have not paid attention to my state politics… ever. I was pleased that Gov Hogan was anti-Trump during the presidential race, but that’s about all I know. I’ve set aside this week to learn more about my state-level government. I will be calling the Governor’s office. MoCo is a “Sanctuary City” so national politics are definitely about to have a major local impact, and I don’t want to be ignorant anymore.
Also in MD
Says he’s anti-Trump (because he knows how the wind blows), but has not shown himself to be opposed to any of Trump’s actual policies. We need to keep the pressure on, particularly re: ACA and immigration.
Anonymous
Absolutely call the governor. Great idea.
The possibilities of block grants going to the states to facilitate a state run Obamacare replacement plan, and block grants to the states for school choice will dramatically rely on governors and local government.
Anon
Another issue where state actions will be key is with respect to defending “sanctuary” cities.
dc
This is late – but I’m pretty sure I read that he came out in favor of the ban.
Anonymous
For DC/MD/VA Corporettes: Can anyone recommend a legal resume writing service? I am hoping to stay within a $300 budget, but have no idea where to start or how to assess the options. For background, I am a 9th year grad with litigation background and some in-house experience. I am getting no responses on my current resume, so I need help!
Thank you!
DC Anon
What kind of job are you looking for? I’d recommend talking to a recruiter or two who specialize in those types of jobs. They’ll be able to spot any issues with your resume and give you a sense of what successful resumes for that type of position look like. I’d likewise talk to a couple friends who have the type of job you’re looking for and see if you can get them to review your resume. If you don’t currently know anyone in your target job, try to get intros on LinkedIn or through your local bar association, etc.
anon
Do any DC Corporettes know if they are still seeking legal support at the Dulles airport? I work in the Reston area and was thinking of heading there after work.
New Tampanian
They do. I have friends who are there.
Wildkitten
They are. I am going Wednesday, I think.
Anonymous
Try the DC Dulles Justice Coalition!