Weekend Open Thread

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1. I’m fortunate to say I snagged my first “big girl” job (as well as my dream job) as an in-house, corporate attorney in a relatively liberal market. However, I’ve never had business cards before so I’m wondering whether it’s proper to use nicknames on business cards. I almost exclusively go by my nickname; the only time my full name is used is on my resume and by my mom, who will forever call me by my full name (“I named you X, not Y, so I’m calling you X!”). I want to be taken seriously and obtain leadership roles in the company, but I 100% prefer people call me by my nickname.

   I realize I’m overthinking this, but then again, I am a lawyer. What say you, lady-professionals and -bosses out there?

   Also, any non-obvious first day/week of work tips for a gal in her first professional job?

   Thank you in advance for advice!

   1. NAL but a professional… It may depend on the nickname. If it’s Stacy instead of Anastasia, I’d vote to go with what you want people to call you, so they connect you and your name to that business card. If it’s Muffy instead of Ann, maybe that’s not the impression you want to give off? If, however, you already decided to be known professionally by one first name, I’d say to either use it or to put First (Nickname) Last on your cards so it connects you to them in folks’ minds.

      That said, if you prefer Miley to Destiny, maaaaybe go for the legal name change ;)

   2. Congrats on the job! :)

      I don’t work in law, but in my sector (medicine) an office manager handles all the ordering of business cards, lab coats, etc. Outside of what size of coat I want, I’ve never been asked for any other input. Is there a chance this decision will be made for you to conform to an existing office standard/policy? In my case, my coat and card says my full name (ex: Katherine T. Smith, MD). When patients call me “Dr Smith” I ask them to please call me “Katie”. I also sign all my emails Katie but my email was set up as Katherine Smith. I went through a phase where I thought “Kate” might be more professional than “Katie” but it never stuck. Plus, no one seemed to care so Katie it was. PS, none of these are my real names ;)

      I don’t think it’s a problem for you to use your nickname as long as it’s reasonably derived from your first name and otherwise professional (read Muffy above).

   3. Being taken seriously will come with experience, and will depend far more on your demeanor and excellence than your name. Go with the name you ordinarily use.

   4. If your nickname is professional enough that you go by it professionally, it’s professional enough to put on your business cards. Also, if it’s not really obviously a derivative of your real name, I would probably not connect my memory of meeting you with the card I have in my wallet later, unless I noticed the difference when you gave it to me.

   5. I have a first name that not many people can pronounce so I go by my nickname as well. I had a lot of client interaction and wanted people to be able to relate my card to me and went with the First (Nickname) Last option. I wanted to add a Miss because it is a very obscure name and no one would know from either my first name or nickname what gender I was but decided to leave it out because either they would meet me and know and does it really matter? I did so in my resumes because I wanted to make the interviewer as comfortable as possible

2. I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m actually an unlikeable person. I consider myself friendly and nice, but my distinct lack of friendships and/or relationships is leading me to think otherwise. I feel like I try to be friendly with people, we hang out a handful of times…then nothing. I’ve tried reaching out and always get the brush off.

   I have literally zero friends and I am sincerely worried that I am really just going to die alone :(

   1. Wow, this is me too. I think people feel awkward around me. Want to have a drink? :)

   2. Not sure if you are still checking this post, but this article really helped me. I’m not saying you’re bitter or angry (the headline is a little sensational), but the article has really useful tips and some links to other good ones by the author too.

      http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/how-an-angry-bitter-lonely-person-can-become-beautiful-on-the-inside

3. Making friends in my 30s is definitely harder than it was for me in college.
   Do you have a sister that you are close with? I would ask her for some candid feedback about your personality. Mine would tell you that I’m terrible at returning phone calls and am too quick to give advice rather than just let her vent when she needs it. These types of things are always kind of hard to hear, but helpful in improving my relationship with her and my girlfriends.

   Is there any pattern to the failed attempts at friendship? Like if you brought up a certain topic did the mood shift both times with two different people? Did it feel more like a date to you than just meeting up for coffee or getting nails done?

   I have had a couple of new friendships fizzle out over various reasons – I felt like the other person was always one-upping me with their stories/experiences, s/he had very different political or ideological leanings, I had kids and she didn’t, things like that.

   The best places I’ve met friends? The dog park, meetup groups – especially a hiking one, where it was another person’s first few times in the group and we were equally matched in fitness level, etc — we would sort of hold one another accountable for showing up, and the hike gave us time to talk but it was also ok if it was silent. I also have found good friends through volunteering. Now that I think about it, these were all activities I signed up for to get out of the house and do something, and as a side bonus I met people but making friends wasn’t the initial goal.

4. Has anybody tried Flywheel’s new at home bike + subscription? I have been thinking for awhile about buying a Peloton but am now torn between Peloton and Flywheel. I’ve read past Peloton reviews here but would love to hear if anybody has any more insight to offer. TIA!

5. I think I want to start wearing perfume, at least for date nights. I’m going to go to Sephora and do their quiz + three samples thing, but I don’t know what approach to take: There’s definitely a family of scents that I always gravitate towards for shampoo etc (usually citrus and/or mint, often things that smell like fruit juice) and I WISH I were a sexier-smelling kind of person. Like, I wish I were Joan Holloway but I think that at least right now, I’m more of a Peggy.

   If you were me, would you go for the familiar or the aspirational? Can I grow into being a Joan? Where should I start?

   1. Try retro ones. Nowadays everything smells like dryer sheets or caramel or fruit. Maybe Chanel No 5 or the Guerlains, some older YSL, Hermes, etc.

      Or Annick Goutal makes some that are lighter feeling but not little-girlish.

      Go to Nordstrom maybe – the women working there tend to be older and can show you something like what you’re thinking of.

   2. You can definitely grow into other scents – just choose a gateway scent for now :) I recommend Chanel Chance Au Fraiche

   3. ooh…gateway scents–jo malone are great because they have a range so that you can fruity + sexy or floral + interesting…

      i personally think the hermes ones are difficult if you’re not used to wearing scents/perfume generally already.

   4. The best thing to do is narrow down your preferred scents using an online tool like Sephora’s, and then go to Sephora or a department store and smell a few scents that might match your preferences. They say you can only really try maybe 3 scents before you start getting “scent exhaustion” but I can usually smell 4-5 and then I start having a hard time telling things apart.

      I’ve worn Elizabeth Arden Green Tea during the day for years and people just think it’s my body wash or something, it does not come across as “perfumy” at all. My night perfume is Donna Karan Gold, which I don’t think they’re making any more – I bought two bottles before they stopped manufacturing and since I don’t go out a lot, it’s lasting a long time.

      All I can say about myself and perfume is, I know what I like when I smell it. I usually don’t like floral scents, but Gold has a lot of lily in it and I love it. Try lots of things – Sephora perfume sampler sets can be great for this too – and just see what you like.

   5. There are nice perfume blogs these days! Try Now Smell This with lots of good reviews, and you want to get as many samples as possible when you’re trying to find what you like.
      Try a Birchbox for perfume: Scentbird, Commodity, Olfactif, Pinrose
      Sephora’s great, but there’s so many more options out there. Go play on the internet!

   6. Thank you everyone! I went to Sephora (they gave me four samples even though they’re only supposed to give you three), and they had a box of coffee beans to sniff in between as a “palate cleanser.” I suspect I’m going to like the YSL one best and then not be able to afford it, but we’ll see. :)

6. I’m sure that this has been addressed before in some way, but here goes. I’m in my early 30s, have been in training in the medical field for many years (read: making very little money for the work that I was doing) and now (finally) have a job earning in the low six figures. In my previous serious relationships my partners made much more than I did and always paid (and at times I strongly disliked being dependent on them to cover me). I’ve been dating a new guy for about a month and I suspect that he makes significantly less than I do. I have no problem paying for dinners, drinks, and fun things that we do together — I work hard and can afford to pay for these things. How do I handle this? Should I have a conversation with him about it (and what should I say) or just insist on paying fairly often, particularly if going out was my idea? I know that if we continue to date we’ll talk about money, but we’re still in the early stages at this point.

   1. I’ll probably get flamed for this, but here is my honest advice to you after being in a similar situation and who ended up marrying a man who made much, much less than me: don’t do it. You’re a great catch and deserve an equal partner financially. You deserve to be treated to nice things without having to foot the bill. You deserve to be surprised with trips, nice meals, whatever floats your boat. If you want to just have fun with this guy, fine… but he still should be organizing dates and paying for you in whatever budget he can afford. You should not be paying the bill every time. I would do some inner exploration about why being treated (or having a man take you on a date and pay the tab) feels uncomfortable to you.

      Here’s why I wouldn’t do it all over again: I ended up resenting the guy. At times, I felt like his mother – like I was responsible for his and my lifestyle. I was tired of being the woman and the man in the relationship. Most of the time, I felt responsible for everything… earning the money, paying the bills, taking care of the kids… it was really, really tough. Imagine you have kids with this guy. Maybe you want to work full time, maybe you want to work part time, maybe you don’t want to work at all. Guess what? You’re going to be working. Maybe he’s got student loan or credit card debit… guess what, it’s yours.

      Yes he was funny. Yes he was great in bed. Yes he had a good family. Yes he had a job. But it wasn’t enough. After 5 years, I was burned out and the stuff I felt so crazy about while dating him totally turned me off in the end.
      Several years later, I found a guy who was all of those things above PLUS made more than me. Being with him gave me the freedom to work part time, explore my own interests and passions, and we were able to build an amazing lifestyle together. I realize I don’t speak for every woman, this was just my experience.

      I wouldn’t bother with him, sorry to say.

   2. I think you may just have to get used to less expensive activities for the time being…things that he can afford. You can’t just want to go high end all the time, want to date this same guy, and get mad because you feel like you have to pay.

      Or just date men with a similar income.

   3. I mean, you gotta talk about money at some point if you stay in a relationship. What my boyfriend and I decided on is that when one of us asked the other one on a date it was understood that we would pay for it. I think he ended up choosing more expensive dates than I did, and it wasn’t a big deal because he wasn’t choosing *better* dates than I was. As long as you’re contributing the same amount of fun, and neither of you looks down on or resents the other’s contribution (this is the most important) I think the actual dollar value isn’t crucial.

      Full disclosure: when I say that he chose more expensive dates, we were in college and this meant that he invited me for an $8 burrito at Chipotle and I invited him for a $4 movie at the student theater. This may not transfer as well to larger discrepancies, but I still think you can make it work–I vaguely recall Miss Manners getting asked about how ladies were supposed to reciprocate invitations in the days when gentlemen were always expected to pay for dates, and she said they did it by inviting their beaus on things like picnics, where you don’t pay for things on the date (and it’s cheaper, since these ladies couldn’t have jobs). So even if one person is shelling out more cash, both people are contributing.

   4. I would offer to pay half the time or see if you can insist you pay when things are more expensive. You could try surprising him with tickets to things you both wanted to do.

      I definitely judge Flame Me for her point but that’s how she feels and I’m glad she is honest and put it out there because if that’s something you should be able to consider. It sounds from your post that perhaps you aren’t as concerned about being treated as just having fun in a partnership. Just remember if you go the route of Flame Me, you could have a great partner who makes the same money as you but that partner may lose a job, become disabled, or for one reason or another not be able to make the same amount of money as you. I would however stress that you note the guy’s demeanor when you pay for things, buy expensive tickets etc. If there is even a hint of shame, reluctance etc then I would take that as a giant red flad that perhaps you making more money than him would become a bigger issue if you get more serious and combine finances etc.

      Either way, Have fun and goodluck!

7. Might I suggest Jean Nate or Wind Song you can get them at Walgreens

8. Anyone here recommend Eileen Fisher home items from Garnet Hill? In particular, the sheets? I love her clothes.

9. FYI — packing cubes are a deal of the day item today on Amazon. $18.49 for the three piece set. I don’t personally use them, but they are FREQUENTLY mentioned here, so passing it along for those who love them. :)

10. I hope the corporette hive mind has an answer for me – I met a lawyer in Boston last week with a nice suit with an unusual logo and I cannot figure out the brand despite my google-fu. The silver buttons appeared to have AG on them (but it is not Armani) and the sleeve had a (way-too-prominent) silver hexagonal coin attached with a ribbon. Any ideas? Thanks

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