Weekend Open Thread

Velveteen High Waist Skinny PantsSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Hmmn: I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many pieces from cool girl brand Frame on sale before. The denim is what most people lurve, but they’ve also got blazers, sweaters, and more. I’m liking these velveteen skinny pants which look like a comfy but stylish choice for the weekend or a casual workday (know your office, though). They were $235, but are now marked to $140; lots of sizes are left as of right now. (I’ll try to do a fuller roundup of the big Nordstrom sale that just started, as well as all the Presidents’ Day sales starting now — please stay tuned!) Velveteen High Waist Skinny Pants

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Comments

  1. Anonymous :

    In the Valentine’s dating post this week I was complaining about how hard online dating is…then the next day I actually matched with two guys who seemed nice and easy to talk to. I thought my luck was turning! One of them asked me out, then changed plans/flaked twice, so I told him I don’t have time for his nonsense and blocked him. Whomp whomp.

    I am REALLY taking Senior Attorney’s advice to heart. I will not put effort into anyone who doesn’t seem crazy about me. That is my new mantra. (It also means the pool of men is basically non existent, but hopefully that changes.) It is a big for me, because usually I am super accommodating and a people pleaser when it comes to men, but no more! Thank you, SA.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yay!! It narrows the pool down a lot but it only takes one, right? You go!!

    • Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open threads and these velvateen pant’s! But they are to expensive for my taste’s b/c the manageing partner will NOT let me wear these @ work! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, I agree! Senior Attorney has great idea’s. Remember though that she IS married, and already has a man. For the rest of us, who are still out in the hunt for a decent man, we must not get to picky. My grandma Leyeh is still mad at me b/c I did NOT get married and have a child yet. It was alot easier in her day, b/c her family knew her husband’s family and they all kind of worked it out that she would marry my Grampa, who I have very foggy recollections of b/c he died when I was 4. I remember he had a big hairy mustache and very bad breathe and liked to pinch me alot for fun!

      Anyway, I do not let men do that to me that I am now grown up, tho Frank tries everytime I walk by to squeeze my arm, or pinch my tuchus! FOOEY on him! I hope the hive has a nice 3 day weekend. I must work to get my billings out b/f the end of the month! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • I agree that you shouldn’t be super accommodating once you get to know someone, but I don’t expect much when setting up a first date. Why would he put in so much effort for someone he hasn’t met yet and doesn’t actually know if he’s interested?

      • Don’t you have that backwards? I would be more accommodating once I know someone, presumably because i know enough to judge whether it’s worthwhile for me to do so.

        In the case of online dating, if Dude has changed plans twice and flaked, then he’s not very invested in the dating process. Why should she be accommodating for that? If he’s not more interested in getting to know her (and therefore find out if he’s interested) and actually committing to plans, why should she keep accommodating that. Maybe she’s missing out on a gem, but it’s more likely she’s not.

        Honestly – for a first date, this is all she really knows about the guy. It’s not a good first impression on his part.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m totally on board with this principle (don’t waste time dating someone who isn’t crazy about you) and even the execution in this case (blocking someone who flakes on you), but I don’t think someone can be crazy about you based on a series of photos and texts.

  2. When someone you trust does something that is very hurtful and unexpected, how do you learn to trust other people again in the same situation? [In this case it relates to dating, but I struggle with this issue more broadly in other areas too.]

    • thoughts.... :

      Therapy

      Especially if you can see that you have this issue in other areas too.

      I am similar, and it stems from childhood abandonment issues and feeling insecure/fearful all the time from past abuse. It led to me becoming a lifelong single, which was ok with me, but not the healthiest choice for all people.

      • givemyregards :

        +1000 for therapy. I had to try out a few to find one that was a good fit for me, but was so happy once I did. I was finally able to break patterns and stand up for myself.

    • This is a hard question to answer in the abstract. But I feel like things like this don’t happen unexpectedly very often so you either won’t experience the same thing again too often or you have to re-evaluate why this caught you unaware. I’m sorry that something unpleasant happened to you and I’m not suggesting you missed red flags, but in a general sense I feel like if the same thing is happening to you it’s more than just bad luck or everyone being an a**hole, and by the same token when something bad and unexpected actually happens, it doesn’t mean it will keep happening, if that makes sense.

      • Thanks for these replies. I am in therapy about just general improvement/pattern breaking, but I do sometimes wonder if I should be making faster progress. But this way of framing it is really resonating. If it truly is unexpected, I can’t worry about something statistically unlikely to be repeated happening which is a satisfyingly optimistic feeling. At the same time, I can use therapy and reflection to review and reflect on my instincts and anything missed and is why I was caught totally surprised, which seems like useful work. [In this case, someone made and took back a commitment in about 30 hours.]

        • Anonymous :

          This sounds really terrible, and I’m sorry you had to go through it. Therapy is a great way to deal with these issues. Also, like all breakups, I personally find it helpful to go back and replay everything in my head, trying to spot red flags that I didn’t have the awareness to see at the time. And then moving forward, keep an eye out for those red flags. Good luck.

    • Anonymous :

      I think this is why I’m bitter and single. Oh boy.

      • Agreed. After I broke up with Sheketovits, I made myself available and met Gonzalo. He woooed me and I was vulnerable. Though I never had s-x with him, he did get a lot closer to me then a lot of other men. But soon after I let him do stuff, I found him with another woman on Lexington Avenue, coming out of her apartement early in the morning when I was walking to work, and his hand was grabbeing her tuchus inside her jeans! FOOEY!!! I felt so mortified b/c he had done that with me after trying for along time, and here he was doeing that same thing 3 days later with another woman. DOUBEL on him! I never gave him any more opportunitie’s after that! TRIPEL FOOEY!

    • About that :

      This is how I came to live on what my therapist calls my island. I don’t allow anyone to visit, but I do venture off for a select few.

    • I’ve learned to stop personalizing it and instead step back to try to see motives of the other person that *don’t* have anything to do with me/my looks/my personality. It helps me feel less like a victim, and can stop that “I’m so ___ and nobody will ever love me!!!!” loop of crazy that is 100% based on my own fears and insecurities, not reality.

      Sometimes you can see your partner’s motives, and that can help you move past anger/hurt to understanding and maybe even sympathy. Or, you might find their motives to be 100% selfish and BOY BYE. Either way, you’ll feel more empowered and less victim by turning it around to find out what’s wrong with THEM.

      • Good advice. Very often it’s not about you, it’s about them.

        But you don’t have to fix them. You just have to move on.

    • Anonymous :

      I guess I don’t see why this is an issue at all. Boy A broke my trust. That’s no reflection on Boy B or Boy C. Boy A isn’t representative of all boys, he’s just one person. I may not trust him ever again but I’m not discriminating against all other boys because I found a bad one.

      • Anonymous :

        Does your brain not work? Do you not *learn* from experiences, good and bad? Can you understand why someone who was attacked by a dog would be afraid of dogs, or does that make no sense to you either?

        How nice for you that you’ve never experienced trust issues, but a good chunk of the people walking this planet have. The fact that you can’t empathize with that is irritating, but the fact that you felt it necessary to grace us with this useless, dismissive comment is even more irritating.

      • I don’t think that Boy A broke your trust. I think that Boy Q broke your trust after Boys A through P had proved themselves trustworthy. That makes it a lot easier to trust the next one.

        My very first boyfriend lied to me, cheated on me, demeaned me, and joked about r*ping me. It took me *years* to learn to trust men in romantic relationships and learn what is normal and healthy.

    • I focus less on learning to trust that someone isn’t going to hurt me, and focus more on reminding myself that I will be okay (eventually) even if they do hurt me. I remind myself that I don’t want to miss out on positive experiences because of fear, and that one of the hardest and most worthwhile things in life is to allow myself to be vulnerable. I remind myself that my goal is not to keep my life and emotions at a perfectly even keel, but to live a rich and meaningful life – which will involve highs and lows.

      Elizabeth Gilbert wrote on Facebook a couple days ago: “To be a human, it seems to me, is the greatest and most ridiculous and most painful and most beautiful incarnation in town. You never know what’s coming. It’s terrifying at times, but I’ll take it. I’ll take the whole ride.”

      Brene Brown’s books have helped a lot with this – I would suggest reading Daring Greatly, which is my favorite of her books.

  3. Book recs :

    It’s been a while since we had one of these threads. What are the best books you’ve read lately? I liked The Paris Architect and The Secret History, both of which I think were recommended here.

    • I just read and enjoyed Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng and Commonwealth by Ann Patchett.

      • Ah I just finished Little Fires Everywhere too. I know there probably won’t be, but I’d love a sequel.

        • Yeah the ending was frustrating to me. I felt like it was too open ended and also I wasn’t sure why certain events had to happen. I liked the first 80% of the book way more than the last 20% but overall I thought it was a good read. Definitely well written and the plots held my interest.

    • Anonymous :

      I just read Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng (much better than her first book). Currently reading Call Me By Your Name since I loved the movie.

    • cat socks :

      Holding Up the Universe – Jennifer Niven
      The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas
      Sourdough – Robin Sloan
      The Secrets She Keeps – Michael Robotham

      • I really loved The Hate U Give. Recently I’ve been rereading Wrinkle in Time. I can’t wait for the movie!

    • When people mention The Secret History, I always think of my other favorite Classics student book, Helen Dewitt’s The Last Samurai (which is also finally back in print and easy to find).

    • joan wilder :

      It’s been a little while but I loved Telex from Cuba by Rachel Kushner.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      A very different suggestion here, but if anyone is a hockey fan, Sean Avery’s autobiography is just filled with juicy details about a ton of players, coaches and owners.

    • Calibrachoa :

      Superheroes Anonymous by Lexie Dunne.

    • I just finished The Boston Girl by Anita Diamant and really enjoyed it.

      If you like memoirs, I’d also recommend My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward, The Still Point of the Turning World, and Juniper: The Girl Who Was Born Too Soon (though I’d also suggest tissues for all three of these).

    • Nylon girl :

      LOved The Address which is historical NYC fiction about The Dakota apartment building. Also liked The Bridge Across the Ocean. Just finished Amanda Wakes Up. It was a cute easy read— all 3 are actually…

    • Anonymous :

      So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo – it’s both accessible and actionable, highly recommend

    • Anonymous :

      Everything I Never Told You
      Sing Unburied Sing

    • Real American by Julie Lythcott Haimes, a memoir about growing up mixed race in America. She also wrote How to Raise an Adult, about the dangers of over parenting. Very different books but she writes in a relatable way.

    • The Bright Side of Darkness by J.E. Pinto

    • Anonymous :

      Just finished “The Sport of Kings”, very intense book. And I live in Kentucky and the heart of the book is so true even if I quibble with some of the details.

  4. My partner has been consistently down lately. Sometimes I don’t mention it, and sometimes I’ll ask what’s up or how I can help. The answer is always “I’m just not excited about my life, there’s nothing you can do” or “life sucks”.

    Objectively, his life doesn’t suck and it’s really hurtful that he can’t frame this in any other way. I’m a huge part of his life and this feels personal.

    If this is physiological, I want him to go see a doctor about depression. If it’s situational, I want him to think about what improvements we can make to help this. But neither of those is happening and I’m not sure where to go from here. He resents me for taking this personally and for having asked if our relationship is part of the problem.

    • thoughts.... :

      Have you tried just asking him why he feels that way? And just listening….. not jumping in, not contradicting him. Just letting him talk, “tell me more about that….” etc…

      Because it sounds to me like he is depressed. Really common. Not easy for you to fix, although you may see it long before he does.

      And situational depression as a descriptor is sometimes used inappropriately. Not all people get depressed in the same situations. People who are prone to depression genetically/environmentally are more prone to depression in certain situations. And while removing yourself from the situation may sometimes help, most of the time we cannot just do this and even if we can, we have to treat the reason we were so susceptible.

      Your feelings are completely natural and normal. It is normal to take it personally. And it is normal to think…. well, why doesn’t he just take some steps to fix it! Well, that’s not what a someone irrational person does when their depression makes them feel this way. The depression prevents it.

      You cannot fix this. And it can destroy your relationship by you trying to be the therapist/Mommy/nagger. You can let him know that you are worried about him, and it is starting to affect you and make you feel down (although it sounds like he sees this as blackmail-y… which stinks), and think it is time to talk about it with someone who might be able to help.

    • Anonymous :

      My husband does the same thing, and when I ask he says “everything’s not about you” and then won’t say what the problem is.

      • Op here – yes, when I try to start a conversation about this I may say things like “what are you thinking about?” after him saying “not everything is about you.” I’ll get a “lots and lots of stuff” in response. I get that I can’t fix this, but if he’s not willing to either I don’t know if I can handle being held hostage like this. It almost feels like emotional torture to have someone routinely say “my life sucks and I’m not excited about it at all” but refuse to elaborate beyond that or talk about it.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m the anon from3:44 – yes, that’s sad to have to hear every day. I actually feel the way your SO does, but I haven’t said anything to my H about it for fear of making him feel the way you do. So maybe mine is less than your SO. Could it be situational, like maybe after a particularly bad day? Like, maybe it’s work-related? Because men won’t come home and vent to their partners the way we will?

      • thoughts.... :

        Ouch.

    • Anonymous :

      Tell him you refuse to live like this and he can get therapy, go to relationship counseling, or move out.

    • Is this just a 45 year old professional man thing? Because my husband pulled the same crap.

      I was in the hospital last month when the flu turned into pneumonia, and it was a crazy time. He had to jump in and handle work/house/kids drop off and homework plus come and visit me and prepare for me to come back home with an oxygen tank and orders to rest. You know what? Through that entire time he never got mopey or weird. Even now, he’s happy and engaged and helpful at home. I get lots of squeezes and hugs, random cups of coffee brought to me, jokes and smiles–and trust me, that sh!t wasn’t happening before I got sick. Then he was ALLL about playing video games in the dark basement, swilling beer with a permanent exhausted “god leave me alone” look on his face, and I was considering divorce.

      Sometimes it takes something big (health scare, financial scare) to snap us out of our funks and navel gazing. I know I’ve had my share of pity parties and wondering, “Is this all there is to life?” while floating in the bathtub and feeling sad about it all. I think most of these episodes are linked to boredom? Monotony? Lack of perspective?

      • Anonymous :

        It sounds like it gave him purpose there, and kind of snapped him out of it. I’m glad for you.

      • I’m so happy to hear that he manned up during your health scare.

      • Happened with my husband too. He was seriously depressed about everything so I intentionally didn’t bring up difficult / important things with him because I thought it might make him feel worse, or more overwhelmed.

        But I clearly had it wrong. When a friend of ours went through a psychiatric crisis after his wife left him, DH sprung into action: he set up psychiatric appointments, made calls to arrange for inpatient treatment for friend’s alcoholism, set up times and space for the wife to come pack up her things when the friend wasn’t around – he even did drop off and pick up for their dog at the doggie daycare.

        Like OP’s husband, a crisis can sometimes be a good incentive and motivation for change.

  5. Anonymous :

    Best tax tip for a first timer?

    • You mean your first time filing your income taxes? TurboTax. Really. Easy peasy.

    • TurboTax. Walks you through all possible credits and deductions and makes sure you’re not missing anything. You can e-file with it and get your refund in a week or two. Our tax situation is so simple (two W-2s, no other income except a tiny bit of interest from our emergency fund, no itemized deductions) that I could probably do them myself but I like the ease of TurboTax.

    • cat socks :

      I’ve been using Turbo Tax for years. Very easy for our simple situation and it will pull back your data from previous years so you don’t have to re-enter a bunch of data.

    • Anonymous :

      Speaking of TurboTax, is the live version worth the extra money?

      • Do you have a basic tax situation – W2s, maybe a mortgage and some SLs? Then you don’t need a human.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Not unless you have very complicated taxes, like you’re actively using gains from investment accounts and they’re held by different legal entities.

      • It’s really great for people who don’t have enough complexity to need a full public accounting firm experience, but don’t feel comfortable doing it all on their own. so if you bought or sold a home or have a rental or just want the extra comfort of a true expert reviewing what you’ve done, it’s a pretty great deal.

        • I have a pretty basic return and just did the basic version. Confession: I actually really enjoy filing my taxes–it’s kinda fun filling everything in.

          • ^ uh, this is half the fun of being a CPA! I have always loved filling out forms. Now I get paid to do it! It’s great.

  6. Has anyone had memory problems like this? I forget things/tasks completely. It’s not like there’s something in the back of my mind telling me I’ve forgotten something – it’s like the memory isn’t getting written in the first place. Today, I completely and totally forgot about lunch with a friend until she called from the restaurant. Yesterday, my boss asked me to set up a time for us to meet with X and it had completely and totally slipped my mind until he asked about it today. (I’m good about making lists, then forget to even check the list!)

    – I’m not particularly stressed, though I do suffer from anxiety and depression (I’m on Zoloft and will talk to my doc about this)

    – I eat very healthy because I suffer pretty bad brain fog when I have gluten, alcohol, or sugar

    This is definitely starting to interfere with my everyday life.

    • Anonymous :

      A better organizational system to start. As soon as I make plans or my boss asks me to do something, I put it in my calendar and set reminders that pop up on my computer and on my phone.

    • this has been happening to me since I became pregnant. I hate adding to the stereotype of pregnancy brain, but at least for me it really is true. I used to have such a good memory and now I like can’t remember something 5 minutes later. I’ve taken to literally writing down or putting EVERYTHING on an electronic to-do list and the app sends me reminders etc.

    • Zoloft effed with my memory like nothing else I’ve ever taken (worse than Xanax). I’m missing more than a year.

      But even if it’s not Zoloft (I don’t think my experience was typical!), it might be worth checking in on things. Getting brain fog from gluten, alcohol, or sugar is a pretty strong reaction; you might want to have your thyroid checked, make sure you are getting enough B vitamins, etc.

      • 3:47 pm mentioned B12, which (along with D) I’ve learned is important for people who don’t do well with gluten, but if you are open to experimenting with nutrition, also look into B1 + magnesium insofar as sugar and alcohol give you brain fog.

    • thoughts.... :

      Is this a recent change? Do you have a recent stressor/job change/mood change?

      Do you have a very busy job/life, often multi-tasking? If so, by splitting your attention among multiple things and not fully attending to each makes these types of errors common, especially the older we are. You can never form an intact memory if you aren’t paying good attention to it at the time. Especially if they are not that important at the time they are told to us.

      Do you write these things down? That’s an important first strategy. You are more likely to remember something if you write it down, or say it out loud right after learning it. That’s why when you first meet someone, it is great if you can say their name back to them in the immediate conversation right after. It helps you remember the name, and it is flattering to them.

      And the “brain fog” with ?gluten in sugar is not really a medical condition. Of course, drinking alcohol can certainly impair memory. And actually some people who chronically abuse alcohol (not your situation obviously) have degeneration of a part of their brain over time so that they can’t form new memories anymore.

      I think you should start by talking with your doc.

      Definitely anxiety/depression can impair memory, so ask yourself if those are in check. Sometimes medications can do this, so take note if you recently changed your dose. Not enough sleep, sleep apnea, stress, B12 deficiency (are you vegan or on some unusual diet?), thyroid issues etc.. can all cause problems like you describe.

      And aging does too…. sigh… started in my 30’s

    • Anonymous :

      Eating gluten isn’t objectively unhealthy. It can cause digestive issues in some people, but I’ve never heard of it causing memory issues.

      • Neurological symptoms, including impaired cognitive function, are quite commonly caused by celiac disease (and sometimes in patients who never had any digestive symptoms to complain of).

        • Anonymous :

          Yes, this is true – but by eating gluten only if you have celiac’s disease. Only if you have celiacs disease.

          Not by eating gluten if you do not have celiac’s disease.

          • non-celiac gluten sensitivity :

            Many Americans who have celiac disease don’t know that they have it. And non-celiac gluten sensitivity also has neurological symptoms, though the research isn’t decades old as it is for celiac. Eating gluten-free is a royal pain, but it’s also completely risk-free if you continue to eat a nutritionally complete diet, so there’s also some sense in erring on the side of caution. It’s not worth literally losing your mind.

          • Anonymous :

            Disagree that a gluten free diet is “completely risk free.” There’s good evidence that people who are gluten free eat way more rice (mostly in the form of rice flour) than other people, and the accumulation of arsenic and mercury in rice may cause negative health effects (see: https://today.uic.edu/gluten-free-diet-may-increase-risk-of-arsenic-mercury-exposure). I suppose you could also avoid rice flour, but then you might end up eating way more of something else that has some negative health effects.
            Absolutely, if you have Celiac disease, the benefits of eliminating gluten far outweigh the risks. But for people who don’t have a gluten allergy, a balanced diet that contains most foods in moderation is generally the healthiest thing. If you start restricting things, you generally eat other things in excess and there may be negative health effects from that.

          • Anonymous :

            There is no good evidence or concerning for neurologic symptoms attributable to gluten sensitivity. Lots of misinformation out there. Please don’t suggest otherwise. Are you in medicine?

          • non-celiac gluten sensitivity :

            Thanks for sharing the caution about rice. I would not have guessed that rice was so much less safe than wheat.

            I’ve heard this from dieticians, that a balanced diet containing most foods in moderation is generally healthiest. I sympathize insofar as I think that if people pay attention to how they feel, they do a pretty good job gravitating towards the foods they need. But I also often see positive effects of restricted diets explained away as effects of restriction itself, so I think it’s hard to predict who will better or worse off for making a change.

          • non-celiac gluten sensitivity :

            I am not in medicine. I know the evidence for non-celiac neurological symptoms is not as settled as for celiac, and I personally wonder if it will turn out that there is more going on in patients whose symptoms respond to a restricted diet. I also know that some researchers suspect these patients just have celiac that has been missed somehow.

            But debate over explanations isn’t the same as denying there is anything to explain. Doctors are already recommending this diet to non-celiac patients.

          • I don’t know whether I have celiac disease. I do have an autoimmune disease related to inflammation and I find that when I eat bread the stiffness and pain in my joints is worse.

            I told my doctor about it and he said that if I wanted to be tested for celiac, I’d have to go back to eating bread/wheat, and lots of it, so that the antibodies would show up in my system. But I didn’t want to do it because I don’t want to be miserable.

            So now I just eat as little wheat/bread as possible. I will very occasionally eat some imported pasta (my understanding is that the wheat breeds are different in Europe) but not often. It may be the disease (sarcoidosis) or it could be celiac or it could be disease + gluten sensitivity.

            Who knows. I just try to eat in a way that makes me feel better and doesn’t cause more damage. I know there is a lot of backlash to fad dieting, but please try to remember when you’re being judgmental that you may not know what is going on with someone else.

    • Talk with your doctor. I once had memory issues following a mild brain bleed that everyone said shouldn’t have affected memory. It was also during a really stressful time (about to get married, moving, and other things). Some of the things folks checked for: simple blood test to rule out thyroid, sleep study [lots of folks with sleep issues don’t even realize it and it can take a real toll on memory], CT scan (that was probalbly just because of the bleed but not sure). And then a cognitive psychologist gave me a memory test. All of that, and it ended up it wasn’t a memory issue at all. It was an attention problem. I couldn’t remember things because I wasn’t adequately attending to them to begin with. The more I noticed not remember, the more stressed I would get, the more stressed, the more attention problems I was having. I got put on a dose of an ADD medicine for a bit. Things got way better. As life settled back to norm I weaned off the medicine and haven’t had problems since. Knock on wood. I look back now and think what a weird, weird thing. I don’t think anyone can truly appreciate how upsetting it is to experience frequent forgetfulness until you actually do.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t even think of this as a problem. Get a calendar. Use it. That’s why they exist.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        This is not helpful. The OP obviously does see it as a problem and it is affecting her life. Saying it’s not a problem doesn’t add to the conversation.

        • Anonymous :

          Actually, it was a bit harsh, but there is truth here.

          I’ve seen many people who actually go to doctors thinking the have early dementia or severe medical condition when age/habits/stress/mood lead to cognitive changes that are mild.

          Some people were able to hold a lot in their mind, not use careful documentation or a calendar, and then they reach a point where they can’t anymore. And it isn’t due to illness.

          I would definitely recommend the OP use a calendar. Write things down immediately.

        • Ok but it’s not necessarily some big brain drama when you don’t write appointments down and then, shocker!!!, you don’t remember them. It’s literally why calendars exist. And they are worth a try.

          • There’s a difference between not being able to keep track of things/feel as organized and having memory issues impact everyday life. OP says it’s impacting everyday life. Your response is incredibly insulting and unhelpful. “Dear person who may have diabetes or may not. Just lose some weight and don’t see a doctor. That works for a lot of folks. Shocker!!!”

          • Again, I agree that this poster is a bit harsh, but the OP actually isn’t describing things that are very concerning. They happen to a lot of people, and yes…. they do effect her life, because it has a consequence when you forget a lunch date…. but they are not cognitive issues that are concerning in a pathologic sense. At all. They are things that happen to many (most?) of us when we are busy, or a bit stressed, and we don’t write things down on a checklist or calendar as soon as they are scheduled.

            From what the OP describes, I am not worried about her at all….. It is likely a very fixable problem, that her doctor will likely determine has no major medical cause, but definitely her anxiety/depression will make it even more stressful when these missed items occur.

    • Research estrogen dominance. You can make dietary changes to balance your estrogen and progesterone better if that is causing the problem. If you are Paleo or intermittent fasting, that can cause this…among a lot of other things.

    • Pseudonymous :

      As the comments indicate, your forgetfulness could be caused by a million things. I don’t think it hurts you to take a multi-pronged approach–i.e. experiment with different calendaring/organizational systems to find one that works for you and mention it to your doctor next time you visit. It probably is something simple and non-medical but you’ll feel better for having covered your bases.

      For the calendaring, I put everything on my Google or Outlook calendars with default reminders sent 15 minutes before an event or meeting. I even put things like “work on presentation” or “set up meeting” on the calendar and not just the presentation/meeting itself.

      For the doctor, they may be able to do blood work to rule out some causes or confirm whether it could be Zoloft side effects, etc. Be sure to mention if you have a family history of any neurological conditions or if you notice the forgetfulness correlates with anything (e.g. certain foods, times of day, phases of your cycle, etc.).

    • My memory is complete crap. It was never that great, but at this point I have a ton going on in my life and if I don’t put something on my calendar or to do list the minute I think of it, there’s about a 95% chance that I’m going to forget it. I heard a talk from an organizational expert and she said that we can only remember 5-7 things on our to do list, and most of us have 40+ things on our list. The only way to keep track of things is to write them down. Here’s my system:

      – I have two calendars– one dry erase board on my fridge and one in my phone that links to my work outlook calendar. I put any appointments that happen during the work week on my work calendar, including doctors appointments and meeting friends for lunch.
      – I keep a running paper to do list of personal tasks on my kitchen counter
      – I have a small dry erase board at work for work tasks.
      – I also do a lot of routines, streamlining, and putting things in the same place every day. I put my cell phone in my purse as soon as I wake up. Otherwise I’ll leave it at home.
      – Part of my problem is rushing through things so fast I’m not paying attention. Slowing down has helped. Sometimes I talk out loud as I’m doing things. I can never remember if I put on deodorant or not, to the point where it’s become a running joke with my husband. So now when I put it on, I say out loud “I’m putting on deodorant”. That brings me into the moment enough to help me remember that I did it.
      – Meditation — not only am I rushing through things, I’m not paying attention because I’m thinking about a million other things. Being present in the moment helps a lot. I like the guided meditations on the Insight Timer app.

    • Anonymous :

      Sleep is food for your brain. See what you can to to help sleep hygiene, including looking at factors that can influence poor sleep quality, which can sometimes be medication. Good for you for staying away from alcohol, especially in the evening when it can have a rebound “wakeful” effect when its “depressive” effect is out of the body.

      ALSO, there are many, many ADHD hacks that can help you with Attending To Memory-enhancing Tasks. Some are here. More are online and are easily available for you to discern if it’s a good tool for you. Love that you have a smartphone routine, and smartphones can be a godsend for remembering hacks.

      Best wishes, you will find your way!

  7. Styling brown boots :

    Does anyone regularly wear brown boots or booties to work? If so, what sort of outfits and color scheme? Does it work only for the casual end of business casual? I’m imagining navy/burgundy/earth-tone A-line skirts/dresses, with beige tights, but can’t quite think of anything else.

    • Anonymous :

      What shade of brown? I see cognac as a neutral that goes with everything.

    • cat socks :

      I have the Dr. Scholl’s Tumble Bootie in taupe. I work in a very casual environment and wear them with jeans. I think the style of the bootie rather than the color will determine how casual they are.

    • I had a pair I liked but similar issues of not going with much so I don’t have them anymore. But in theory, anything in the tan family would work, and I think you’re on the right track with navy.

    • Anonymous :

      Brown (chocolate brown) with tweed pants or skirts, patterned skirts and dresses. I guess it is casual but it’s dressy for most offices I’ve worked in.

    • the yellow one is the sun :

      Around my company I see a lot of younger women (20s-30s) wearing certain shades of brown boots with all black outfits. I think it looks really good and chic, but I’ve been too nervous to attempt it myself. I personally have the Jack Rogers Peyton in the Oak colorway (not currently available on their site but you can see it as an option for the Margot bootie) and I wear them pretty much as you’re imagining, with navy or burgundy trousers, coordinating blouse and sometimes a tweedy/textured jacket/blazer.

    • Anonymous :

      I have light brown (I think the color was called “sand”?) suede wedge booties that I wear occasionally in the winter with navy or burgundy pants and constantly in the summer with bare legs and pretty much any outfit (including, for instance, a black skirt and blush blouse)…basically I treat them like nude heels. I just haven’t been able to figure out a tights combo that I like with them.

    • I’m not super fashionable, but I wear these to work almost every day: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kork-ease-natalya-wedge-bootie-women/4602486?origin=topnav&cm_sp=Top%20Navigation-_-Women-_-Booties&offset=2&top=72&brand=4855
      I pair them with skinny denim in various colors (that I roll up at the cuff): black, red, clay, and army green, are my go-to pant colors. I also have mid-calf Fyre boots with a flat heel that I wear occasionally with black skinny jeans, leggings or dresses. I live in TX and my style is very casual even in the office and skews toward Southwest (turquoise, chambray and plaid shirts, etc). Hope this helps!

    • I wear brown boots (mid brown, cognac, and tan) most of the winter. They go great with navy, white, pale pinks, reds, any pattern with a warm tone, burgundy, yellows and golds, greens, etc. About the only colors that require careful handling are greys and blacks; it looks fine, if the tones blend, and there is more than one brown piece, like a brown belt and boots with a black dress. How casual it looks is going to depend on the boots and the overall outfit.

  8. NYC/Princeton :

    Is it possible to live somewhere with a reasonable commute to both Princeton and NYC? Considering a job offer but my SO works long hours (70+) in an industry where NYC is really the central hub for the industry. We’d need a car as PrincetonCo is not accessible by the train, and are just trying to get a feel for any area where we could try for a middle ground. No kids so space won’t be an issue. It seems crazy but wanted to see if anyone knew of a way.

    • Anon in NYC :

      What do you want in a town? Do you want a large lot, a busy downtown area, etc? How long of a train commute to NYC? How long is too long of a driving commute to Princeton? Are you trying to set yourself up for kids in the future (so, are schools a concern)?

    • Anonymous :

      Would you have to go in every day?

      I know people in medicine / teaching to make it work (live on train line to get one person into NYC; the other drives to Princeton). If the Princeton person doesn’t have to go every day, they live closer to NYC. If the NYC person doesn’t go every day, they live closer to Princeton (which I love).

      But traffic is horrible and the commute is horrible, depending on where you need to get to in the city (Financial district is where everyone I know goes unless they in medicine and don’t go every day). I think it works on a map but not so well IRL.

    • Anonymous :

      So you’d be the one driving, to the Princeton area, and he’d be taking the train to NY?

      Unfortunately, being a few stops along the NE Corridor train line (New Brunswick, Edison, Metuchen …) does not actually make his commute any better, since at least half of the commute is spent getting to/from the train rather than on the train. It might even make it worse, since there are a few NJ Transit express trains each morning, and a (pricey but even faster) Amtrak, that stop at Princeton and not those places. (Are his hours reliable enough to be able to take the same express train every morning?)

      Also, the train is a lot faster than the car in NJ. Driving from New Brunswick to Princeton Junction takes twice as long as taking the train. So expect your commute to take a really long time if you’re not living close to Princeton.

      Your best bet is probably to live right next to Princeton Junction. The alternative is to live right next to a NJ Transit stop close to NY (Penn Station itself, Secaucus, Newark); you take the train to Princeton Junction and then take a Lyft/Uber to your company.

      Either way, try to find a pied-a-terre (friend with spare room, reliable AirBnb, etc) in the other place, so that on an occasional late night the person working there can just stay over.

      • Yes a good friend of mine (met here) lives very near Princeton Junction because that’s where they want to live. She has a driving commute, which makes her rage-y and her husband has a really easy train commute to NYC. I think your advice to live near Princeton Junction is spot-on.

      • Anonymous :

        This seems extremely overwrought to me. You don’t need a second apartment. Live anywhere on the train to NYC and you’ll be fine. Live in Jersey City if his commute is a priority and further out if you want a more equal split.

    • anon a mouse :

      One of you is going to have to pay in time. If he’s working 70+ hour weeks it probably makes more sense for you to live in Hoboken or Jersey City so he has a much easier commute.

      A friend lived in Hoboken for a while and commuted to Cranbury (not quite as far as Princeton). It was more of a reverse commute so it wasn’t crazy stressful, just a lot of time in the car. If you don’t have to navigate a hard deadline like daycare pickup it would be fine.

    • Anonymous :

      New Brunswick NJ has a train to NYC and is a straight shot to Princeton down US route 1

      • Yes. New Brunswick is probably splitting the baby. They just recently put a luxury/high end apartment complex basically directly over the New Brunswick train station. Just looked it up and it’s called The Vue.

        • Yes. New Brunswick is probably splitting the baby. They just recently put a luxury/high end apartment complex basically directly over the New Brunswick train station. Just looked it up and it’s called The Vue.

          Edit to add: NOT at all recently. Just in my mind it is recently since I grew up in the area. :-)

  9. Anonymous :

    My Dove chocolate is telling me to “Sleep under the stars tonight.”

    It is an overnight low of 2 F. I’m thinking that’s a no…

  10. cake batter :

    Any suggestions on a free online streaming news service? Is that even a thing? I googled around a bit, but it seems like the first few places I found required a cable tv login to be able to view (ex. CNN and C-SPAN) or required you to click on specific videos/stories. Does such a thing exist or am I just not looking in the right place or searching the right terms? I have multiple computer screens at work and would like to have one with news playing. TIA.

  11. Thanks for the help on my Q from earlier.

    I fear that it is the sort of place where you could easily pay 50% of your take-home in rent/mortgage (even if you are a high earner) or just have a horribly long commute. Almost like living in SF.

    For this client, they take people assigned to them if they start to show up more in person and it’s almost expected, so I don’t want to suggest I’m open to something I couldn’t well take. I love quasi-urban city living (current setup is older SF house in MCOL city that is 2mi to work, but I think in Toronto or a close-in ‘burb it would just cost too much). It’s probably like NYC — awesome on an expense account, but I don’t live there anymore b/c of the time/space/$ tradeoffs needed if you have a 50 hour a week job and a family to house (and hope to keep some of the $ you make).

    Le sigh.

  12. Languages for a job :

    If a job description says “French skills preferred” (and it’s definitely beneficial in the field) and you don’t know French but are willing to learn, should you say that in an interview? I truly am willing to take a language course and work on my own to become proficient, but I’m not sure if that would come off as a desperate attempt to sound qualified.

    • I think it’s fine to say but I’m not sure how much it will help if they want someone who already knows French.

    • joan wilder :

      Yes I would definitely say that in the interview if opening allows, but if the job truly needs French it won’t necessarily help given the time needed to become professionally fluent. I have hired for bilingual and bilingual preferred positions and what frustrated me was not willingness to learn but what was frequent dishonesty in actual language skills. So don’t say you speak basic French if you don’t (you didn’t suggest you would but it happened A LOT).

      • Languages for a job :

        I did take a semester of French in college, but I didn’t put it on my resume because I remember almost nothing. I think the job doesn’t *need* French or they would have put it under the “requirements” section, but I know for sure it would be ideal. I think I am likely to get an interview since I previously worked for the company in a different capacity so I definitely want to handle that question smoothly.

        • Anonymous :

          One semester of French? Lol

          • Languages for a job :

            Switched to German – a language I used while studying abroad and fell in love with! Unfortunately, it’s pretty useless for my current field.

          • Anonymous :

            Do you realize how long it takes to learn a language? This is seriously offensive.

          • Languages for a job :

            Having learned a language myself and watched plenty of other people become proficient in a year or less with regular study, yes, I am well aware of how long it takes to learn a language! What I’m not aware of is why it’s offensive to say that one semester of French is obviously insufficient to list on a resume.

        • I have 10 years of French education and I don’t consider myself proficient, maybe ‘functional at best’.

    • As someone who has put that exact note in job descriptions, it does not mean you shouldn’t apply if you don’t speak French. If they meant that, they would say “Fluent French required.”
      When I have included a language in a jd, I had a couple spots open for analysts who would be working with clients in France, and by putting it in the ad I was hoping that candidates who were on the fence about applying would see that they had a preferred skill and apply.
      In a couple cases the hired candidate spoke no French, and in others French fluency was a tie-breaker between well-qualified candidates.

    • I would also point out that professional French is quite different than conversational French and language classes or Rosetta Stone or something like that will teach you the latter. I took French for 6 years in high school and 2 years in college and definitely consider myself conversant. When I travel to France or French-speaking countries, I am able to ask for directions, order in restaurants, carry on brief conversations with people, etc. But I would never tell an employer that I speak French because there’s so much vocabulary related to my professional field that I don’t know at all. And quite honestly I don’t know how I would learn it. Self-studying a language is really really hard IMO and there aren’t really classes that are geared towards learning a language to work in a specific field.

      • I think it goes back to what interviewers are looking for – handling conversations with counterparts or complex presentations/negotiations?
        heck, I’m French and can’t speak French in my professional field as I’ve spent my entire career in English-speaking countries!

  13. Baconpancakes :

    Anyone else feel like they never like a haircut until they’ve washed it and styled it themselves? I often feel bad for my stylists, because I can’t hide my lackluster enthusiasm for my haircuts when they turn the chair around, but I usually like them a lot after I’ve styled them myself. I think it might be how fine my hair is – the salon gets it so clean and blow dries it so straight there’s no body by the time they get done with it.

    • YES! I’m the exact same way. I feel like my stylist is always surprised when I come back for more. I love the cuts but they usually look like bowl haircuts instead of cute bobs. So irritating.

      • also, my father was a hair stylist in the 60’s trained in Paris and he would always tell me to be wary of hair stylists when they backcomb or scrunch your hair. You should be able to clearly see the cut and angles before styling.

    • I definitely feel like there’s an inverse relationship between how much I like the cut in the salon and how much I like it once I’m home and am styling it myself. I think some cuts look better styled and some look better natural and for everyday wear I need a natural cut.

    • cat socks :

      Yep. My stylist does a great job with the cut and color, but I prefer the way I style it better.

    • Anonymous :

      Tell your stylist that! They’re working for you, they should style it the way you like.

      • Baconpancakes :

        It’s weird, though – they blow dry my hair, and it looks flat. Obviously they’re not trying to make it flat – they’re using volumizing products and blow drying with the big brush, etc. Then I blow dry my hair at home and it’s fine.

        • I’ve got fine, straight hair and have the same issue. I use Velcro rollers at home which gives it some bounce and a sleek finish. The salon generally wants to flat-iron it for a sleek finish and I don’t get that same volume. I don’t care for the flat-iron look on me. It does allow my stylist to check the angles I guess. My hair is also pretty short and easy to style so I don’t fee like I am wasting a blow-out when I wash it the next day.

    • Yes! I brought it up once, and the stylist told me that she is not satisfied unless the cut looks as clean blown out straight as when it’s styled my way–like it was more about checking her own work? I’m not sure that’s a satisfactory answer (I’m never going to straighten my hair like that ever again, so who cares?), but maybe that’s why it’s so common.

    • That Girl :

      I also have fine hair that’s super thin so by itself its a flat mess. The thing that has helped the most is going to a stylist who really knows how to cut fine hair. So many stylists think tons of product is the answer and it’s not. My current stylist is AWESOME—she knows how my hair falls and will cut it to look full and have volume and movement (no idea what she does) and also be a flattering style when air dried, all without using any product or very very minimal product. I found her through a friend and I never plan on leaving her because she is SO GOOD, even though she’s $$$$$$.

    • Same right down to the flat head. I always feel like I lost half my hair.

      On the other hand, I think my stylist cuts too many layers, but when she dries my hair I can’t tell. When I style it myself, there they are. Not quite to the Carol Brady shag level but approaching. I’m getting someone else to fix it this weekend, and may permanently switch.

    • Yep, always. I have curly hair, and get dry cuts. After the cut, my hair is washed and styled. But I never like it in the salon. Once I wash it at home, then I will (almost always) like it better

    • Yes. I don’t like how my fine hair looks with lots of products and it goes limp about an hour after I leave the salon. It usually takes a few weeks before my hair looks good again (I feel like my hair gets shocked by the cut or something and acts weird for a while).

      • For me, I think it just takes that many washes to get out the amount of product they use!

        Though I think hair dressers are taught to aim for cuts that peak a few weeks in, so we can get a little more mileage out of each cut.

    • I can’t even be seen in public after a haircut. Doesn’t matter if I spend $40 or $100 on the cut.

    • Every time. My stylist dyes my hair after bleaching it and would cut it. Every single time I feel down on my way home. Every time I feel awesome and get tons of compliments 2 days later. I have just accepted this cycle every 8 weeks.

      • Bleach annoyance :

        Houda, I relate. I always feel down for a couple of days after chemical treatments on my hair, especially bleach plus color.

  14. Anonymous :

    Any recommendations for books, blogs, etc that helped in getting through a divorce with small kids? TIA.

    • I would suggest posting on the C-moms page on Monday. I think some posters there have been in this situation.

  15. Dress ID help!!! :

    Can anyone ID this dress or a dress very very similar (and bonus for a low price dupe)? I love that it seems figure flattering while allowing a bra and is in a jewel tone!

    https://twitter.com/jamesmiglehart/status/963826144704389121

    • I think this is it.
      https://www.kiyonna.com/plus-size-clothing/Dresses/13121806

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I have a very similar dress though it is sleeveless and above the knee from White House Black Market sale section. I bought it in the last month. It’s the same color, front cut, ruching, tight, looks like the same material too. Mine not only allows a bra, it has the little clips to keep the straps in place while still having a sexy low cut V in the back that stops before the bra line.

  16. Anonymous :

    Having trouble finding work pants. Narrow waist, big butt and very wide hips, short legs. Everything’s either inappropriately tight in the butt or my waist and lower legs are swimming. Suggestions?

    • I have the exact same body shape… I go through 100+ pairs trying on before I get even close… I’ve been told to find fit in the butt and hips and then to have a tailor fix the length and waist. I, however, continue to keep trying on pair after pair until I find something close enough to be sufficient. I’m pretty sure I ought to knock that off though! :)

    • Out of the Box :

      NYDJ trousers, Elie Tahari and Trina Turk are my go tos for shape. Either invest in hemming or buy “cropped” styles for length.

    • Loft Julie for me, though I am tall, so I can’t speak to the short leg issue.

    • I just don’t wear pants to work….. that’s probably not the answer you’re looking for

    • Nerfmobile :

      This is me too. A few brands that have a better than average track record for me: Nordstrom Sejour, curvy fit; Jones New York; Eileen Fisher; Kut from the Kluth ( a new discovery for casual pants). Otherwise, it’s just a lot of trying on. Look for styles with elastic in the back, that seems to be an indicator.

    • Assistant Professor :

      Talbots petite pants work best for me with a similar build. I have a few different styles- I think Chatham is one of the style names, but the others are escaping me now (sorry, I know that’s not super helpful). But in short, try Talbots if you haven’t already. They do have some modern styles of pants (not all grandma, I promise!)

  17. awkward now :

    it has been 4 years since we have gardened… it is now to the point where i feel weird to initiate although i think he would be into it. i just dont know how to get there. any suggestions before the get therapy crowd chimes in?

    • Why don’t you try getting high first?

      • I wouldn’t jump to this before the first time initiating it, but in the future, I find that MJ helps me enjoy it more because it enhances the pleasurable sensation. It’s something to consider if you, like me, can sometimes feel a little ho-hum about it.

        • Yeah it depends on whether MJ relaxes you or makes you anxious. I’m the latter and that would be a big no on s3xy time for me.

          Something you know relaxes you and lowers your inhibitions isn’t a bad idea, though. I agree with inviting Shots! Shots! Shots! to the party.

          Overall, sometimes you just have to reach across the bed. You have to set aside any pride or potential embarrassment and just make the move. If your husband were going to initiate, he’d have done it sometime over the last four years.

    • “Hey, um so this is awkward, but wanna have s$x? I really miss it and I really feel like it.”

    • Anonymous :

      Have you tried our friend Shots.shots.shots? Because while alcohol is not the solution to a lot of problems, it may be a solution to this one.

    • If you at least think you’d both be into it (putting aside the reason it’s been 4 years), the above Anonymous is right. You’ll make it more comfortable be acknowledging the awkwardness. Pick a time when the two of you are just spending time together, get his attention, and say that you know it’s been a while, and that makes it feel weird, but you’re still into him and want to have sex. Now if he’s up for it.

    • – The MJ suggestion is a good one, if you don’t get drug tested at work
      – Similarly, if you can get ahold of some, X is also an excellent inhibition-lowering substance, maybe better even than MJ. If you both take a small hit I guarantee you there will be no awkwardness or weirdness at all because you will both be suffused with “I love the universe and everyone in it, let’s get it on” feelings.
      – If you do get drug tested at work I suggest cooking a romantic dinner at home accompanied by copious amounts of wine…you don’t actually have to get so drunk you “don’t know what you’re doing” but if you feel more comfortable initiating if you’re role-playing that – go for it.

    • What terrible advice….. Just drug yourself and him with alcohol, marijuana, or Ecstasy…… My goodness.

      • MY PEARLS!!!!

      • Anonymous :

        That was my reaction – I don’t know how having a conversation about taking drugs to have sex is less awkward than just having a conversation about having sex. I mean, it can send the message that “i don’t want to sleep with you until I’m drunk/drugged”

        • Anonymous :

          Exactly.

        • I hear you, but after FOUR YEARS I think it’s clear someone has to get their courage up to make the first move. Maybe get that over with using a little wine, and then try to have it more often with or without alcohol after that one time.

          Perfect is the enemy of good here.

          • Anonymous :

            OK – so have a glass of wine to relax a bit and broach the conversation. That’s a different level of social lubrication than MJ or X. Why compound the complications by doing all these things to avoid the awkwardness?

            But as with so many things, JUST TALK ABOUT IT. “I want to have sex. With you. Are you interested, either in general or now? We’ve gotten out of the habit and I’d like to get back in the habit.”

            Perfect is the enemy indeed – why is everyone making this so complicated? Just freaking talk about it. There will be no perfect time/situation or thing to make it easier. It’s always going to be the same level of awkward (or more) the longer you wait. Just freakin’ talk to him.

          • If these two could JUST TALK ABOUT IT they wouldn’t be in the situation they find themselves in today.

  18. Short trip from New York at the end of March? :

    Hi all, I would be grateful for recommendations for a long weekend trip with my husband from New York at the end of March. We like history, hiking (although this may not be the best time of year for it) and food. So far we are considering Charleston or Montreal. Any other suggestions?

    • Columbus… inexpensive, huge foodie town, lots of nature parks for hiking, plus there are tours for the capitol and all… 7ish hr drive or 70 min flight!

      • Totally disagree. I’ve been to Columbus several times because I have in-laws there and I’ve never been able to find great food. If you really want to visit a smaller city in the Midwest (and I’m not sure why you would – it’s too far to drive for a long weekend from NYC and if you’re flying there are so many more interesting places to visit), I would recommend Indianapolis, Minneapolis or Kansas City, which all have food scenes far above Columbus imo. But even those cities don’t compare to large cities like Chicago/NYC/Boston or the Southern food meccas like Charleston, NOLA, Savannah, and Asheville.

    • Asheville, NC? I haven’t been, but have friends who love it, and my DS and his GF went at least twice during spring break – not super-warm but warm enough for hiking, spectacularly beautiful surroundings, great places to eat (well, he and my other friends are vegan, but I think there is something for everyone there), the Biltmore if you like that kind of thing.

    • March is a great time of year in Charleston.

    • Thank you all!

  19. I think I might have an ulcer. Any tips for not feeling like garbage, while I wait to see my PCP?

    • You feel like garbage? What do you mean?

      Why do you think you have an ulcer?

      Go to the drug store, and buy whatever proton pump inhibitor they have that is generic/on sale. Like omeprazole. Ask the pharmacist if you can’t find it. Maybe buy some tums as well, for discomfort that comes soon after eating to take as needed, if the PPI alone isn’t enough.

      Take note of what foods seem to increase your discomfort, to tell your doctor. Avoid ones that seem rough, easy on the alcohol. Take note of what makes it worse/better, whether symptoms are worse at night while sleeping. Try to avoid eating for three hours before bed. Try sleeping a little bit propped up if you are waking up in the night with symptoms.

      FYI – most ulcers are caused by a bacteria, and are not caused by “stress”. And most people who think they have an ulcer don’t and have reflux, which is really common and very treatable.

      • I think it’s more than reflux because I’ve had black, tarry stool, which means blood, right? But I really have no idea, I’m certainly not a doctor.

        • It can mean blood. If your stool tests positive for blood, it could be coming from any number of places along the digestive tract. Based on your symptoms and possibly additional testing, your doctor should be able to identify the source and recommend the appropriate treatment. In the meantime, I second the recommendation from anonymous at 10:56. Feel better soon!

        • Agree with you/Coalea that new black tarry stool could be blood. Your primary care should do a quick test right in the office to see if there is any blood (or you could probably buy a test at the drug store now to do it at home).

          But yes, you should start that PPI now in case it is coming from the stomach. Yes, like Coalea said –
          you can bleed from any part of the digestive tract for many reasons and that can give you black tarry stools. Bleeding from hemorrhoids is also really, really common, but that bleeding usually looks bright red and isn’t dark/tarry. Often in this situation they will refer you to a Gastroenterologist who will do an endoscopy (take a look down your throat, and then from the other end, while you are sedated) to see if there is a source a bleeding that is obvious.

          But if it is an ulcer, the mainstay of treatment are PPIs and possibly antibiotics.

          Do you also feel poorly? If so, it what way?

  20. spamtest123 :

    spamtest123

  21. I am resigning from my job. Someone in my office unexpectedly gave their notice last week so I now need to tell my supervisor about that resignation as well as my own. Any ideas on how to structure the conversation? Do I give my resignation first and then discuss the staff member that quit like a day later? Do I open my meeting with the other person’s resignation, discuss the plan to replace them, and then transition to my resignation? It all feels like awkward timing.

    • Anonymous :

      “Hey – I’ve got two pieces of news. Joe put in their resignation last week [and we’ll need to get working on his replacement] and I’m giving you notice of my resignation now. Which do you want to talk about first?”

  22. This is probably more of a vent than anything, but my workplace is suffering from a huge leadership vacuum and I’m just over it and ready to walk out the door. I’ve been fighting burnout for over a year now. Unfortunately, there aren’t many positions open in my field in the moment and if I leave, I am giving up amazing benefits that I won’t find anywhere else. I feel so stuck and unhappy.

    • Is there anyone senior that is mentoring for you that you can get some input from about the future of the group? Advice on whether to leave and how?

      Can you still do good work that makes an impact?

      If not, then just put your head down and start looking for a job. It seems daunting, but at some point you just have to do it. Start having lunch/coffee with your network, someone every week. Get out there and hustle. In my field, most positions are not advertised.

      But honestly, as someone with no benefits, and job insecurity, I would also consider refocusing your life priorities and see if you can get life satisfaction in other ways.

  23. No morning thread today?

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      President’s Day. Judging from the emptiness of my office building parking lot this morning, apparently lots of people get the day off.

    • It’s my due date and still no baby AND we don’t have the day off work. Worst President’s Day ever.

    • Since we just had Mardi Gras last week, we don’t get Presidents’ Day. I forget about it…

  24. Referral Thank Yous? :

    If you are in a service business…law, CPA, etc. how to you thank people that refer business to you? Whether that be an existing client, or other business professional? Do you think a hand written thank you card is nice? An email? A phone call?

    I am new to this and very surprised at the number of referrals I have received in the last month. I have been thanking people by email or phone call but wondering if I should be doing more because I’d love to keep them coming!

    • I like a personal thanks either by email or text, but my realtor actually gives gifts for referrals. Once, a coffee/cookie basket. Once a gift card to a local bookstore.

    • Anonymous :

      I have been the referrer this year. In one instance, I got a very nice email after the referral followed by a phone call confirming the match. That was gratifying. In another instance, I got an amazing fruit and nut box at the holidays, which was also very much appreciated. The gift came after multiple referrals.

    • Anonymous :

      BTW – congratulations on receiving all of these referrals! That says a lot about you.

      And well done in thinking about how to express your gratitude. That also says a lot about you. And is clearly a smart move on your part.

      Good luck with your career.

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