Weekend Open Thread

153 Comments

1. I think this is one of those trends that I’ll enjoy on others, but take a hard pass for myself. I barely pulled off the Daria look in the ’90s, let alone now, as a 38-year-old.

2. I just got a dog. Any advice? He’s two years old and the sweetest little chihuahua. Maybe not purebred. I don’t know much of his history because he’s a rescue. But he crawled right into my lap at the shelter and I was in love. I’ve signed us up for “Little Learner” obedience classes that start in a month and I’m going to try crate training (I work at home during the day so I’ll just crate him at night). What else should I know? He doesn’t seem inclined towards most treats so far though maybe that’s just nervousness. He seems fine with being house broken and walking on a leash.

   1. Socialization! Make sure he’s exposed to different people and introduced to other dogs. The more he’s used to people and other dogs, the better behaved and calmer he’ll be in new situations.

   2. Sounds like you hit the jackpot. My only advice is to be patient with him– my rescues have changed personalities significantly once they warmed up and got past the nervous phase. Sometimes that means some of the more annoying behaviors don’t come out until a bit later (my dog barked at other dogs excessively). It’s great that you have an obedience class scheduled to address any issues at the outset. Good luck and congrats!

   3. See if you can get into a class any earlier. I have a one-and-half-year-old dog (puppy?) and we’ve been in LOTS of lessons because he is quite the handful. The earlier you can get good habits established and both of you learn basic commands, the more he will respect your boundaries and house rules. Also, you may put up some baby gates or another containment device (the MidWest Foldable Metal Exercise Pen / Pet Playpen worked well for us, but any playpen would probably work for your little guy). I put a floor covering down and gave him water, toys, and bones so that I could work with fewer distractions or interruptions. Have fun! They are the sweetest little terrors (sorry, companions).

   4. Congrats! He sounds very sweet.

      One thing, if he shows any tendency to chew on things or otherwise act out, consider that it may be that he’s not getting enough exercise. Some dogs are just destructive by nature, but for a lot of dogs they do it out of boredom. Even small dogs need exercise and the stimulation of going outdoors and smelling stuff. You may already know that, but not everyone seems to so I thought it worth mentioning.

   5. There are tons of books and videos but a few key things:

      1. Be consistent, especially for the first 6 months. Don’t “sometimes” let him do something, only let him if he always can so he understands what is and isn’t allowed. Give him routines so he understands that he gets fed after x and then after eating, y happens, and then you go to your desk and he is supposed to go to z place, etc. Keep as consistent a schedule as possible while he acclimates.

      2. Don’t turn anything into a toy that he can’t always have. For example, don’t let him chew on “his towel” or he’s likely to chew on any towel he finds. Choose toys that are not at all what you have in the house so he can discern the difference.

      3. Keep commands 1-2 words and use the same words each time. Dogs don’t understand entire thoughts or paragraphs. So “down” works but “please get down” or “I would really appreciate it if you would get off the couch” won’t.

      4. Assume every potty accident is your fault, because it is. If he has accidents, don’t get upset, use it to figure out if he has to go more often, if he gave you a sign you missed, if he’s too young/small yet to have bladder control, etc.

      5. Use positive reinforcement. Negative stuff can screw up dogs, especially rescues. Based on this and so many professionals, avoid all ceasar milan training, it’s meant for tv, not for real life.

      6. Remember that discipline is a type of love as it teaches him what he can expect and what he can trust.

   6. Some dogs like the crate and some dogs don’t. One of mine protested loudly those first few nights until she ended up in my bed where she immediately curled up and went to sleep (that was 13 years ago that we came to that truce). For house broken, nondestructive dog, you may be fine with a dog bed. So don’t be too frustrated if this dog doesn’t take to it. It can take dogs a few weeks to come out of their shells so I’m not surprised that he’s not immediately into treats. Toys can take time too.

   7. seconding what someone said above– my rescue really showed his personality about two-three weeks in and has a lot of behaviors such that I probably wouldn’t have adopted him if he’d shown them initially. Be prepared for anything…

   8. Anon Lawyer, start a savings account for medical expenses in his old age. I have a toy breed rescue too. He was very inexpensive to care for until he hit about 10 years old. Then he needed three surgeries in 6 months (including having his eyes removed, poor baby). We were lucky to have it in savings, but I wish I had prepared a bit better when he was young and healthy.

3. How did your 40s compare to your 30s? My 30s were good, but I am looking to my 40s with some anxiety. It’s a mixture of fearing that the best will be behind me, the beginnings of aging, and feeling like society will ignore me. But I also love certain parts of getting older, like more independence, money, and not caring what people think.

   What are the best parts of being in your 40s?

   1. I choose to believe that my 40s will be my best decade yet. I wasn’t cool and popular with a fabulous life when I was young. The older I get, the more I am becoming my true self. I understand more about the world and can live more comfortably with complexity. I am more stylish and more confident than I was when I was younger. I have the resources to see and experience more than I could in my 30s. My kid is old enough that I can have my own life again. The things that frustrate me about my 40s are the weight gain, the wrinkles + gray hair + acne all at the same time, and the fact that my husband’s horizons seem to be narrowing as mine are expanding. Bottom line, your
      40s are what you make of them. Get out there and enjoy them.

      1. I’m 33, but this is how I’ve felt about my 30s so far and I look forward to feeling even more this way in my 40s (plus more money and more independent kids). I was never cool in high school and college and feel like I’ve come into my own a lot more since turning 30 and having kids.

   2. I loved my 40’s. I’m 49 now. My 30’s were a blur of having a family and trying to keep my feet in the game career-wise. In my early 40’s I woke up and suddenly realized I may no longer have forever to pursue dreams. I finished a graduate degree and started running while working full time with a decent work/life balance. One key break through post 40 was thinking carefully about how I want to spend my time and doing just that. In my 30’s I was still doing things that I felt like I was supposed to enjoy like having a social life that involved late nights and lots of alcohol, etc. Now my social life revolves around running and seeing people/volunteering through our child’s activities. As far as aging, 40 is the decade it happens and when bad habits override good genes. I honestly know a lot of people who still look really good but they tend to be fit and live fairly healthy lifestyles.

      1. 44 here, and got carded at the liquor store last night. SPF every single day. There is no such thing as a “base” tan. There is no such thing as a “healthy glow.” All tanning is sun damage. Use fake tanner. Keep the sun off your face. Choose mineral sunscreen over chemical.

         Also, always wear good sunglasses, even in winter and on less bright days. Squinting makes wrinkles.

         I have rosacea so I take pretty good care of my skin and have done lasers a couple of times, but I don’t attribute that to lack of wrinkles, although they may have positively affected my skin’s texture a little. I plan to do more lasers in the future.

         40s >>>>>>> 30s. You’ll likely have a little money in your pocket, can take better vacations, kids are older so parents are more likely to be more social again, you may feel like you have more of a clue at your job/in your career. I will always think/hope my best years are ahead of me.

   3. The 40’s are great, the best is alway yet to come…the combination of youthfulness and experience is brilliant. In my 40’s I have a great career with expanding opportunities…that I worked hard for and worried over in my thirties. I am more confident in my personal life as well. I was a bit worried when I turned 40 but the decade has been good. Welcome to the club!!

   4. Everything you are worried about happening in your 40’s won’t happen until you are in your 50’s, so you have time. 30’s and 40’s were definitely better than 50’s.

   5. For me (turning 49 later this month), my 40’s have been all about growing into myself. I really don’t care what strangers think of me anymore. I no longer do things I don’t want to do. I’m more confident, more in tune with my gut, and more happy than I ever was before.

      Don’t worry, you’ve got this!

   6. – More money
      – Kids are older and more independent
      – Career is solid
      – Know who your friends area
      – Less pressure to look perfect
      – Closer to retirement!
      – Still fit, no aches and pains

      1. + million times

   7. Loving my 40s. I was never the cool girl in my 20s, my 30s passed by in a blur of pregnancy.
      40s are awesome.

4. I know the early-mid 90s are back, but no.

   1. But mom, these are going to go great with my babydoll dress, choker, and flannel!!! I need them for when I go to Lillith Fair!

      I actually saw a jelly bean purple, wide whale corduroy skirt with a silver circle zipper pull at target. It was so First-Season-of-Buffy Willow Rosenburg it hurt.

      1. Just pair it with a bucket hat and a chenille sweater.

   2. I would totally wear these on the weekends. But my casual wardrobe has never fully left the 90s, so make of that what you will.

   3. I’m 42 and I kinda love this! It makes me happy especially bc it’s amazing when a trend is actually comfy for me feet!

      1. 40 years old and you’ll pry my Doc Martens off my cold, dead feet.

5. On the topic of lower boots. I’m kind of over my tall boots but when I try on booties i think I look bad. I think it is because my feet are long, my calves are full and my ankles are small, so when I cover up my ankles my legs just look big.

   Any suggestions for styles that might work?

   1. The only booties I like the look of are very low cut (rounded in front)–you might try some on and see if you prefer that style.

   2. I actually prefer the opposite – a boot just on the high side of a bootie (not quite calf high). They are fitted higher up the leg, so I think they are more flattering – I too have full calves.

6. Made a big ‘ol mistake at work. I took responsibility, outlined steps I could take to rectify it/keep it from happening again, and sincerely apologized. How do you recover from a mistake? How do you get a grip when you feel like sh1t because of it?

   1. I drink. Where’s shots! shots! shots!

   2. I think the answer is in your screen name. Pugs and Bourbon FTW!!! Seriously though–you did what you could at this point and you have to move on. Failure is part of success and the difference maker in life is who keeps getting back on their feet. You have picked yourself up–move forward!

   3. So a key thing is to avoid what I call the Screw-up Shame Spiral. That is, once you mess up once, you’re so afraid of messing up again that you can’t relax and so you actually DO keep messing up. So the best thing you can do is, once you’ve done what you outlined above, take a deep breath and really, really do your damnedest to try to put it behind you. I know it’s easy to think that you’ve lost everyone’s trust, destroyed your career, shamed yourself as a lawyer (insert whatever hyperbolic self-talk you’re prone to), but you have to hit the stop button on those feelings and move on or you’ll be in such a state that repeat errors are more likely.

   4. I’ve been there. Let yourself wallow just a little bit. Then dust yourself off and move on. Take the little victories where you can to help build yourself up again and remind yourself that you are good at what you do!

   5. Aw, it happens to all of us! Resist the temptation to keep apologizing — just keep your head down and let it pass, which it will!

7. Has anyone had their thyroid surgically removed?

   After over a decade battling an autoimmune disease causing overactive thyroid (and a host of other complications I won’t get into here) my doc is recommending surgery (total removal). I’ll need thyroid hormone replacements for life (e.g. Synthroid). I’m terrified – less so of the surgery – but of the road after. I KNOW I should get off the internets but I’ve read sooo many horror stories of people gaining a massive amount of weight, feeling terrible and not being able to get their hormone levels regulated post-surgery.

   Any positive stories/anecdata? I feel inundated with the negative stories and am dreading my surgery…thanks hive!

   1. I have no experience with this, but with any medical decision this significant I would recommend a second opinion. Hugs!

   2. My mom has said many times that if she has to have a chronic condition, Grave’s disease, the resulting thyroidectomy and replacement with synthroid was the best she could hope for. In her case, getting the synthroid dosage dialed in was easy and nothing has really changed, maintenance wise, as she’s aged.

      1. Thank you for this! Yup, it’s Graves

   3. My MIL (who has spent the majority of this year at our house, for totally unrelated reasons) takes a synthetic thyroid pill every morning. She says she was very concerned at first about the idea of being “totally dependent on a drug for the rest of her life!” but soon realized that it really just means she has to wait awhile for her first cup of tea.

      1. This is exactly how I feel….like what if there is a zombie apocalypse?! How will I get my synthroid? Gah. Thanks for the note.

   4. I haven’t had surgery, but I have to take Synthroid every day, and so far it’s been fine. Getting the dosage right took about six months of adjusting (mostly because getting the endo to call me back was tough!) but once we got that settled it’s been no problem. My mom and grandma also took Synthroid every day and never experienced any adverse effects.

   5. My cousin had this done when she was in college. She is now in her mid 30’s, a nurse, has two kids, and runs a little farm. She is in good physical shape (she does exercise and eat well, so I’m sure that helps). My mom also has to take thyroid medication daily. She struggles a little more, but has other health issues that probably contribute. She is sometimes tired, but she has been able to work with her doctor on finding a good dosage.

   6. I have a daughter with congenital hypothyroidism, so she has taken Synthroid every day since the first week of her life. It is no big deal. We have a good endo and once you get your dosage, it won’t change much if your weight remains constant (or that has been what we’ve found; monitoring is maybe 4x/year if we don’t change dosages (and that is for a child who is still growing)). Compared to the diabetics we see at the endo’s office, we feel very minorly inconvenienced by this disease / meds. It is not really life changing. My daughter has normal weight / energy levels.

   7. My mom had her thyroid removed at 29, nearly 10 years before she had me. She has a completely normal life. You would never be able to tell unless you knew that she takes a pill everyday. Hope that helps!!

8. Does anyone have advice on how to make my 15 year old daughter a more pleasant person at home? She has a very tough load at school and (in the third week of school) still seems to be trying to get her legs under her while juggling a new school building (grades 10-12) with a sport.

   Grades are good so far but I think she felt ill-prepared for one of the three tests she had to take today. (Projects, tests and homework just keep coming.) Her coping mechanism is to be incredibly rude to her parents. Last night she told me to “Get Out” of a room as I approached it, and my husband was so frustrated by the door slam and glare during drop off this morning that he is considering taking her out of her sport. We have never been called by a teacher, coach, camp counselor or other parent about behavior. Instead, she seems to save the best for her family. Her only two responsibilities are doing as well as she can in school and having a nice attitude.

   I hate to take her out of cross country since a lot of her identity seems to be derived from athletics but maybe that’s the answer. Were any of you complete pills to be around as teens and managed to come through it fairly pleasantly? Our own experiences are not relevant because I was TERRIFIED of setting off one of my mother’s crying jags and my husband’s family life as a teenager was colored by the loss of a sibling.
   Any advice?

   1. Um, her behavior sounds very benign for a teenager. I cursed at my parents at that age and I was overall a good kid and successful adult.

      1. Thank you for this perspective! On one hand, it all seems very first world problemish. On the other hand, we NEVER acted like this. It is nice to know that we probably would have in different situations.

      2. So…we may have looped in the space/time continuum because it sounds like I was your daughter. I was a very good student, did fine socially, ran varsity cross country/track year round, was appropriately involved with other extracurriculars, and had no issues with teachers. And I was a real f*cking bitch to my mom. Relentlessly terrible. I have no idea how she dealt with the way I treated her, other than with the love and grace of a saint (and 20 years of working as a school counselor under her belt). Until she finally snapped one day after I eyerolled her too many times in my junior year, and said I was getting shipped to boarding school if I didn’t get my act together. Her telling me to quit sports would have just resulted in yet another thing for me to resent her for.

         But…I got my act together, at least marginally. Our relationship reset as soon as I went to college, and we are very close today. I think in high school I was just a very unhappy, anxious person, and my mom was a safe place to vent those feelings and fears because i knew she loved me unconditionally. I’m not proud of it and I’d do things differently if I had a re-do, but that’s where I was at from ages 14-17.

         Idk. It’s tough to be a teenage girl. It’s also gotta be tough to parent a teenager. Sending good vibes to both of you.

         1. This was my exact experience, too. Especially the “safe space” perspective. It’s an important relationship skill to learn not to dump on the people closest to you but one that I imagine lots of teenagers struggle with as they face independent stress for the first time. Helping her learn other ways to manage the pressures she feels will hopefully ease the tension and serve her well in the long run. Sounds like you’re doing a great job!

            1. Yes, this exactly. I just wasn’t in a mental and emotional and developmental space where I could keep it together all the time. Reflecting back on the way I treated my mom in high school was a major motivator for me to develop healthier coping strategies in college.

               I also fixed some stuff like sleep hygiene. And my high school was a total pressure cooker, such that going to a highly ranked state flagship (like Michigan/UVA/Cal) was a step down in intensity…I realized that I just couldn’t keep going the way that I had in high school. So I finally learned to give myself the breathing to learn better coping mechanisms. And one of the first things I did was apologize to my mom for the way I treated her, and thank her for the love and patience she showed me in high school.

   2. Wait, your husband wants to pull a teenager out of a sport because she glared at him and slammed a door? That is…a wild overreaction. You’ve never been called about her behavior because literally every teenager on the planet behaves this way on occasion, and the coaches and teachers are saving the phone calls for the kids who are using drugs, bullying other kids, or flunking out of school.

      1. Yes! It is good to know that we sound nuts. Honestly, our heads are spinning with the emotional effort and presence of mind required to deal with this. It is not lost on us that we both comfortably deal with high stakes decision making in our careers. We need to take a deep breath, press reset and keep on keeping on.

   3. The book Untangled explains all of this behavior and how to address it. I reread it about once a year.

      All of this is very typical, and unless there is a genuine issue with the sport taking up too much time, abusive coaching, etc., I would absolutely not take it away. She needs a place to be successful, to belong to a positive peer group, and to develop relationships with adult role models who are not her parents. The adjustment to high school workloads and expectations can be rough, especially for kids who are used to breezing by with perfect grades and little effort in middle school. Some teens I know have difficulty prioritizing their work and studying, and waste a lot of time overpreparing for some classes and tests instead of determining what is the appropriate amount of effort for each assignment. Perhaps another trusted adult in her life can sit down with her and help her brainstorm some organizational strategies.

      I also find that spending casual one-on-one time with my teen helps improve her behavior in general. Over the summer I took her out to breakfast once or twice a week, and it was a really nice, low-key way for us to connect.

      1. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It truly helped put this in perspective. I think my husband was just so frustrated this morning. They run together, work on math and chemistry together and are very close. I’m seeing an early bed time for the whole family tonight – and the need for us to remember that parenting is not for the parents. I sincerely appreciate your advice.

      2. Thank you. Untangled is ordered. And the free peak on Amazon was already helpful. :)

   4. I was an absolute pill at that age, and a few others (19, the first year of college, and 26 or so, the last year of the live at home grad schook rebound). The reoffending rate might mean that my mom should have shut that ish down harder and faster? But my general success/happiness and our close relationship all the other years of my life (33 yo now) suggests her tolerance, compassion, and unconditional love worked out pretty well.

   5. Honestly, I think you have to enforce standards of behavior. Can you make some house rules that everyone can abide by, such as “no door-slamming” or “no put-downs?” or “apologies are required after being rude to another family member”? It sounds like she needs to learn that it’s not okay to take your frustrations out on everyone else (of course, everyone gets frustrated, but you need to find healthy outlets for it). I know that this is common in teenagers, but I sometimes think people use “oh she’s fifteen” as an excuse for behavior that is well within the teen’s control. Good luck – I’m sure it’s hard to deal with.

      1. +1. This is typical adolescence but that doesn’t mean the behavior is ok. Find the time to have a heart to heart, empathize with the pressures she’s under, but then draw the lines. Taking your frustration out on other people is never ok and now is the time to learn that.

   6. Another thought … it might be time to give her some more responsibilities. She is part of the family and can contribute to keep it running. It might even help her feel more adult and act accordingly. My teen complains about doing stuff around the house, but she sometimes lets on that she is proud that she can cook a meal for the family, clean, etc.

      1. Absolutely. She’s super helpful with unloading groceries and organizing things. While she helped a lot during the Summer with food prep and laundry, no real contribution is being made now that school started. Thank you again for your advice. I agree with all of it.

   7. Isn’t this normal teenage behavior? I was unpleasant at home, and I’m a perfectly polite adult with lots of friends who gets along well with her parents. Slamming doors and being outright rude (like saying, “Get out”) wasn’t tolerated–I’d get a stern talking-to and maybe get a minor privilege revoked, like no internet for a weekend or something.

      Unless her grades are suffering due to cross country, there’s no way I think you should take her out of that activity. Most people I know who participated in high school and college sports think those activities were integral to their adulthood.

   8. Honestly, your daughter sounds like a pretty normal 15 year old. I was a pretty horrible teen and I have a fine relationship with my parents as an adult. It was just really rocky from about 15 – 21-ish.

      Also, you’re only 3 weeks in to the school year and it sounds like she has had a lot of adjusting to do, as well as a lot on her plate (3 tests in a single day in the third week of school!). I’d focus on making sure she’s well-rested and also has some down time.

      In a less-tense moment – like, not tonight – I think it’s fair for you to say something along the lines of, “We love you, but it’s really unfair to us that you take out your exhaustion and feelings on us. It’s okay to have boundaries or to want space, but it’s not okay in this family to be deliberately mean to each other.”

      I also really advise against taking away something that she loves (sport) to penalize her for very normal behavior.

   9. Are their other privileges you can take away before you take away sports? I.e., cell phone, allowance, etc.? I’d try that first and build up to the sports if she’s continually being unbearable.

   10. I wrote a long response that disappeared, of course, but the gist of it was: this is normal. It is a good thing that she feels safe enough around you to express her emotions, because so much of being a teenager is suppressing your giant hormonal emotional mess. (It sounds like, in contrast, you and your husband didn’t feel comfortable expressing your emotions at home, for fear of how your parents would react. I know its annoying, but it actually says good things about your parenting that your daughter feels safe enough around you to be a little snot!)

       The beginning of the school year is always stressful – it’ll calm down once she gets into a rhythm. But please, dear god, do not take her out of her sport. It’ll make things way worse, as it will tell her you don’t trust her. She’s not breaking laws, she’s just being rude to her parents. That’s being 15.

       1. This exactly. She feels safe around at home. That is a good thing! Also my daughter is now 17 and finally becoming a pleasant person again, unless she is on her period. She now recognizes that her attitude is because her period is coming and apologizes. Also, teenagers act this way to get a reaction out of their parents. So don’t react to it. Just ignore it. Give her positive attention in other ways.

   11. Please don’t take her out of her sport; I really think that will just exacerbate things–the girl clearly needs an outlet. Teens are hard and generally have bad attitudes with their parents. I was often horrible to my parents around this age (those teen hormones are no joke) and I came out on the other side to be very respectful and have a very close relationship with them from about age 17 or 18 on. She’s going through a stressful time right now and taking it out on you. You could try explaining to her how that makes you feel, but to some extent I would personally accept it and be glad she’s not taking it out in a more destructive way.

   12. 1. I think this is a pretty common teenage attitude. Not one you let slide, but pretty common. What do the parenting books say on how to react to this?

       2. Taking her out of a sport seems like overkill. Grounding her from other social activities might be appropriate. Letting her know you noticed the rudeness and it is Not OK, is good. Talking to her about why she was rude (and helping her figure alternate ways to behave) is another step.

       3. She still needs parental help in figuring out how to balance/manage her life. Some of it is going to be learned the hard way (don’t procrastinate) and then you have natural/appropriate consequences. But also don’t overreact to her figuring that out.

   13. I was a horrendously rude, moody teenager who was a terror to be around for most of high school. Door slamming, storming out of rooms, “how dare you come in here and breathe my air” type of attitude, I had it all. If a parent said to do something, it was a guarantee that I would do everything in my power to avoid doing that thing, even if it was something I would have otherwise done anyway.

       I was a high achiever academically and participated heavily in extracurriculars so I’d like to blame it on stress, but I think a lot of it was just being a teenager. I grew out of it and became a much more pleasant person my senior year and through college. I remember my mom asking sarcastically, “No matter what I say, you won’t let me be right, so let me know when you grow up and I get to be right once in a while again.”
       I grew up and have to acknowledge that she was right then and she’s usually right now.

       That said, my parents made it clear that they weren’t going to stand by and let me act like that with no repercussions. I got grounded, had phone privileges taken away, and we had lots of talks about treating other people like humans, not like obstacles to my ideal teenage life. They mandated apologies for my behavior and extra chores, as well as dedicated time spent with family. It’s worth mentioning that they never used school and extracurriculars as either a stick or carrot in all of this though. I was driven to do well in school and they wanted me to choose to pursue my other talents or not based on my interest in them, not because doing them was a reward or a punishment.

       I don’t have kids yet, but that was my experience. It worked out pretty well for me and my parents, but I know those were a rough few years!

   14. Yeah this is completely normal. Don’t pull her out of her sport.

   15. I think I was pretty rude to my parents when I was a teenager. I also think they didn’t handle it well. (Please don’t ever tell your daughter that her feelings are completely irrational and invalid just because she is a hormonal teenager like my parents did.) I wouldn’t take away her favorite activity, and I say that particularly because it’s a sport and I bet that without that exercise it would be even worse. I was a swimmer and it was (and still is, really) the only thing that makes me truly happy. Plus the endorphins are great.

       1. Thanks to both of you. This is really helpful. We are the first to admit that she has a hard gig going to this high school. I took many advanced / AP classes and was certainly not required to do what she is.

          At 15, she does not have much of a social life outside school and sporting events. Although there seem to be plenty of interactions with people at school (stories recounted at dinner, etc), she pretty much catches up on sleep, studies and hangs out with us on Saturdays and Sundays. During the week she leaves home at 6:55 AM and gets home around 5:30PM. One day per week there is a 5:30AM practice that involves leaving home at 5:00AM. I think we are all very tired. :)

          To Mpls, it helps for you to say this sounds normal. Parenting books have conflicting advice but I need to read more. Removing from the sport does sound overkill. It is nice to hear that you still think she needs help with balancing it all. She certainly seems to. Hopefully one day it just all clicks. I was never insecure with parenting a baby / toddler / small child but it hard to know where to draw the lines with teens.

          1. I will echo others who say it sounds normal.

             The sleep deprivation + new routine + high academic expectations are a lot for anyone to deal with — you are only three weeks into the school year! Think about how hard it is, and how much energy it takes, when you start a new job — that’s what she’s essentially doing, each school year — the school building may be the same but her duties are constantly changing. Now add the fact that she is a teenager who has not yet figured out how she can best cope with high-stress periods.

             Love her extra, don’t take away things she likes just because she’s being mouthy. Help her work on the attitude, but also make sure to point out that you recognize how much is on her plate, and how proud you are of her for working at it all.

   16. Honestly, her behavior seems pretty tame. It seems like she’d getting frustrated and is not expressing herself well, which leads to her slamming doors, being rude, etc. If your husband thinks that if he bans her from doing activities she’ll start being nicer, he couldn’t be more wrong. I think it’s an extreme overreaction and will escalate any negative feelings between the two. I think it would be more effective to figure out how you can improve communication – does she realize that she’s making you feel so badly (maybe she does and she’s retaliating)? Why is she so frustrated and angry? And listen. You may have to fill in some blanks for yourself. It’s an age where she’s learning to be independent and may need some space to feel her feelings and process them alone, without mom and dad constantly checking on her and asking her about her schoolwork and life. She doesn’t need to have a good attitude all of the time. Try not to take it personally -, you didn’t when she was a toddler, right? You’ll get through it.

   17. I was complete pill to my parents and the loving adults around me but as an adult, I’m considered an absolutely delightful person to be around! It’s normal, trust me.

       My advice would be don’t take her out of her sport … you may be taking away one her critical forms of stress relief and in any case, punishment doesn’t sound like what she needs. I know it’s terrible to live with but try to remember that one, a lot of the frustration you and your husband are feeling may be bruised feelings in addition to annoyance and two, try to keep it in perspective. Very few of us are our best selves when we’re under a great deal of stress and it’s easy to take interpersonal shortcuts with the ones we love because we know they’ll still love us, even when we’re being a pita. In addition to school stress, she’s 15 … hormones are probably making her feel like she’s got PMS every day.

       I think what you *can* do is reinforce what is ok and what is not … in a calm moment, acknowledge how much she’s got on her plate and but that it’s hurtful and not okay to slam doors/yell at me, and you’d like an apology. In the moment, “That was hurtful. I know you’re frustrated but we speak to each other respectfully.” And then choose your battles and make sure you are also abiding by the “we speak respectfully” rule (which I am guilty of violating with my daughter sometimes.)

       And talk to her about how you can help. What does she need? How can you support her? Does she need help finding ways to manage her stress or frustration?

       It’s normal. Help her with love, don’t punish her. Teenagers suck, but it gets better. :)

   18. Why does she have no responsibilities other than school and a good attitude? She should be contributing to the household. I think taking away her sport activities would be an overreaction, but there should definitely be consequences for yelling and slamming doors or saying hurtful things.

       1. Good point. We are clearly tiptoeing around her stressful load while we are not exactly walking in the park.

   19. Not a parent, but taking away running cross country doesn’t seem like it will result in an improved attitude – if anything, you might be taking away a physical outlet for frustration and anxiety. This sounds more like you need to talk to her about appropriate ways to deal with stress and ask for support, instead of taking it out on other people. Signed, someone who had a lot of stress meltdowns sophomore year (and whose parents similarly threatened to pull me out of my magnet school/sports team)

       P.S. If she’s anything like my sister, she’s taking the stress out on you because she feels safe with you.

   20. I would have gotten my ass paddled if I pulled this sort of thing. I definitely don’t recommend that, but anyone who slams a door in my household gets it taken off the hinges for at least a month.

       1. I’m glad you weren’t my parent!

   21. I have a 17 year old that has made it mostly though that stage. PLEASE don’t take her out of the sport if she really enjoys it. My daughter is now captain of her team and a senior and is on top of the world. It will get better, I promise, and we had way worse moments than the one you’re describing.

       I did get my daughter to see a therapist for about 6 months just to talk through some of her issues (which were less about us and more about a boyfriend and her friend group, as it turns out.)

   22. I have to admit I read the responses just to see if anyone would say they weren’t exactly like that as a teenager. This seems 100% normal & pretty tame. At that age, I was definitely a brat (lots of factors but probably the main thing was I felt ready to be on my own and I was very frustrated by living under a ton of rules. I’m sure I needed the rules, but the being “almost” in college part but still being a kid under my parents control was very hard for me). Taking stuff away, especially sports, strikes me as a bad way to go – she’ll resent you & won’t have an outlet for her own life.

   23. I was a great kid as a teenager. Ultra responsible, active in my church, never got in trouble, worked part time, got high grades, on student council. And yet I glared, sulked, and am sure I treated my mother with contempt. That attitude makes me sad today, but …there you have it. I wish my parents had called me on it; maybe they were passive, maybe I hid it better than I realize. I don’t know. But a slammed door and an eyeroll seem (sadly) par for the course. I’d call her on it, let her know how people are treated in your family. But I wouldn’t take sports away. Take social media away, if anything.

       I would also begin to teach her what to do with her intense and outsized negative emotions. She probably doesn’t know, and will have to be trained. It’s not enough to say, “don’t do this.” She has to know what to do with all the inner churn.

       1. +1

   24. Oh yeah. I went through a rough period where I was rude and thoughtless consistently. My parents and I had always been very close and we became very close again after I grew out of it. My all accounts I’m a lovely and pleasant person today who has a lot of self control over my attitude and good coping skills.

       Her behavior seems really normal for a teenager. My parents were very purposeful about teaching me that my actions can make others feel bad and it’s really something I internalized after that period. I wouldn’t take her out or cross country. Intense physics exercise is actually one of my best tools to self manage.

   25. A door slam and a glare are completely NORMAL.

9. Has anyone had their thyroid surgically removed?

   After over a decade battling an autoimmune disease causing overactive thyroid (and a host of other complications I won’t get into here) my doc is recommending surgery (total removal). I’ll need thyroid hormone replacements for life (e.g. Synthroid). I’m terrified – less so of the surgery – but of the road after. I KNOW I should get off the internets but I’ve read sooo many horror stories of people gaining a massive amount of weight, feeling terrible and not being able to get their hormone levels regulated post-surgery.

   Any positive stories/anecdata? I feel inundated with the negative stories and am dreading my surgery…thanks hive!

   1. I had a thyroidectomy about seven years ago for hyperactive. It’s really been no big deal. I have to get blood tests yearly–or if I have a large weight/body change, such as when I was pregnant–to make sure that I’m still getting the right dose for my size, but I haven’t seen any real problems. Unfortunately, all of my weight gain since the procedure is very explainable and entirely my fault.

      However, my body in general seems relatively easy-going when it comes to hormones (no PMS, easy pregnancy, etc.). I’m guessing you may have more side effects if your body is hormone-sensitive. In that case, I understand that trying different formulations of replacement (generic v. name-brand) can make a difference. Don’t give up on it, you will be able to find a solution with the help of a patient doc.

      I’m good about taking my Synthroid upon waking, and then I generally won’t eat for a few hours (not just the 30-60 minutes recommended) because reasons–I think planning ahead for the occasional breakfast meeting is the biggest negative issue I’ve faced. It’s also no biggie if I miss an occasional dose, which happens a time or two a year. I can’t even tell a difference, but I’ve never missed two days in a row, so maybe I have enough replacement hormone built up in my system to carry me.

      I’m mainly just worried about what happens in the zombie apocalypse, when Synthroid is no longer available and I have to make my own out of animal thyroids. I’ll be the one stockpiling something other than painkillers and antibiotics….. :)

      1. Thank you for this DB Cooper — really helpful. Haha, I had to chuckle at your last paragraph…I wrote the exact same thing above. What about TEH ZOMBIES! I’ve read about waiting to eat for at least 60 minutes and plan to try one of the better absorbing medicines (Tirosint) and see how things go…

   2. Not to be all “I know better than your doctor” but just wanted to make sure you’ve discussed the radioactive iodine treatment with your care providers. My dad did that 50+ years ago and has never had any issues since. l was just diagnosed with overactive thyroid and am going to do it soon. I realized you may have tried this already or there may be medical reasons you can’t, just wanted to throw it out there.

      1. Thanks! Yeah, the RAI isn’t an option because I have TED/Graves eye disease unfortunately.

10. I bought these exact boots for my sister-in-law last Christmas, and she hasn’t stopped raving about them.

11. Anyone here a member of, know a member of, or know anything about El le evate (spacing to try to avoid mod)?

    1. I was a member within the last few years and found it a total waste of time. I thought it was a shame because I had been involved in college when it was 50Broads or whatever. Totally different organization now just focused on making up-sells.

12. What should I wear for an interview for an admin/exec assistant role af a start up? Not in Silicon Valley, in a rust belt city. I’ve been working from home for ages and have almost nothing, so my plan is to buy something. I look horrible in pants in general, and wear an in between 14/16 size (not usually plus). TIA!!

    1. I really don’t think you can go wrong with a skirt suit at an interview, but you could try a sheath dress and blazer if you think you should be slightly more casual.

    2. I’d do a solid, sleeved sheath with a mildly edgy blazer and a long pendant. Sleek, modern, but appropriately on that line of casual/professional that you’ll want to telegraph.

       Speaking out of my arse, honestly (I don’t work in tech! I don’t live in a rustbelt city!), but it sounds like a good look? If you’re on a budget/don’t want to sink a lot into this look, the ON ponte sheath dresses with sleeves are pretty good workhorses for the price.

    3. Also consider fun/funky shoes (or other accessories) against a plain-professional sheath/suit combo as a way of splitting the difference.

13. Hope this doesnt go into MOD!

    Sometimes I just feel like a hit of sugar- I love my werthers originals but find the candy size too big. What are some other h a rd candies that you like abd bonus if they are minis

    1. I love Pearson Coffee Nips.

    2. I like Jolly Ranchers. Life savers are a little smaller if those are too big.

    3. Smarties?

    4. I like those little guava hard candies you sometimes get at Thai restaurants. I think these may be them: https://www.amazon.com/Classic-Guava-Hard-Candy-12-3/dp/B000J0N1CK

14. Did anyone else here go to a poor, rural high school? I did (although my family is upper middle class) and I’m seeing its effects more as time goes on. I was very driven and academically oriented; I was a big fish in a very small pond (one of two people in my class of 25 students who planned to go out of state to college) and I even wanted to apply to boarding school, which my parents vetoed. By the time I got to my top-35 out-of-state college, I was SO READY for it, but yet I was unprepared. It seemed like the other students came in with knowledge of Latin and philosophy and economics and other subjects that my high school did not offer and that, despite my best efforts, I was not exposed to thoroughly through books or mentoring. We had no APs, no clubs, no band, no debate team, no career counseling, nothing. I feel like I came into college without that “cultural capital” of knowing how to navigate the opportunities that come from attending a prestigious university, even though I was one of the most economically privileged students at my high school.

    I’m well out of college now, but I feel like I missed opportunities because I spent freshman and sophomore year taking classes my peers had taken in high school and because I didn’t have the first clue about academic fellowships, networking, and other activities that were technically available to me. For example, I didn’t understand the importance of having relevant internships the summer after freshman and sophomore years, so I worked at a smoothie shop instead and then had less experience than my friends when it came time for later internships. Today, I’m behind where I want to be in my career. I can’t figure out if I just didn’t try hard enough to adapt or if going to a low-performing high school with zero academic orientation actually made this inevitable, and I feel like I’m now competing against peers who have stronger experience across the board going all the way back to college and before. Anyone else been in this situation and have any advice?

    1. Only advice I have is to pat yourself on the back for being amazing.

       It’s really hard to overcome early advantages. It sounds like you’re doing great. Change your comparator group. You might be struggling compared to a few advantaged college friends but I’m sure you’re rocking it compared to many of your high school classmates.

    2. I think at some point you have to leave behind your disadvantages from high school and just go for what you want out of a job. Is lack of AP Chemistry really holding you back or is there another blocker in the way of you and the job you want? If you’re not moving up the ladder fast enough, then it’s time to apply for something new and lateral.

       I also went to a rural, poor high school and followed that up with the non-flagship in-state university. I learned to embrace the work ethic and creative problem solving skills that come with growing up on a farm. I’ve been out of high school for nearly 15 years now and it doesn’t really matter anymore.

    3. Why not see what your peers are doing and copy it – fake it until it becomes your new normal. And thank your parents. I have 0 respect for UMC presumably educated parents who saddle their kids with a rural poor or inner city black school bc they MUST live on a farm or in the city even though they can’t or won’t pony up for private school. A coworker this week went on about how it’ll be SUCH a good experience for her 5 year old to go to an all black Baltimore city public school. Give me a break.

    4. Yes. You are me. I went to a high school that turns out a couple teachers and maybe an engineer every 5 years but was not academically inclined. If I had gone to a more demanding school, I would likely have gone to a much more prestigious college which would have taken my life down another path.

       But you know what? That’s not my life. And frankly, I’m pretty happy with the person I am now. I am who I am because of, not just in spite of, my background.

       Yeah, I would have loved to go to an Ivy League school and lived that life but ya know what? I love my husband. I love our family. I wouldn’t have met him if I had done that. I love the work I do which I likely wouldn’t have done if not for the background I have. I choose to be thankful for what I have rather than resenting what I don’t have.

       1. +1 Stop thinking about what could have been and focus where you are now. That does you no good. For every example you see of the things you missed out on, there are probably 3 examples of people who did the same thing you did.

          That smoothie shop experience – I think that’s an experience EVERY one should have. That boring HS/College job that you do just to earn money. It isn’t a step on a ladder anywhere, there’s no networking to be done. You show up and do your work. That’s not bad experience, just different.

          You’re 30 something? You have literally 30 years left to get somewhere in your career. You are not running out of time. Chances are your career plan would have been different than you envisioned even if you’d had the perfect college path you are envying.

       2. Same here. Even when I was #1 in my law school class in my first year, I didn’t understand the importance of applying for judicial clerkships and let that opportunity pass. I have a good job but certainly not the kind of career I could have had if I’d hit the ground running at age 14 or even 28.

          But I love my life and it’s silly to blame things I don’t like about it on things that were beyond my control when I was just a kid. Do what you can with what you have now and don’t let comparison be the thief of joy.

          1. I went to a public high school and fancy Ivy League schools, clerked, am a partner. And I still look around and find plenty of people who are doing way better than me. (People I knew in college are senators. Like, U.S. Senators.) There are a million ways I could be doing better – I could be richer, work at a more profitable firm, do higher profile work, do more starry volunteer work, run for office, whatever — but the reality is that I love my life and I’ve made choices that make me happy. Don’t compare. Pursue your own happiness.

             1. This reminds me of a friend’s reaction to NY Governor Eliot Spitzer’s resignation. In the midst of the scandal, his main impression was how much more success his fellow HL classmates had enjoyed in comparison to his own career as founding member and managing partner of a midwestern law firm. :)

    5. I’d stop beating yourself up about it, you did the best you could with the information you had. Likewise, careers are a combination of luck (preparedness meeting opportunity) and skill, so even if you had every advantage, you still could have been derailed. There’s no “silver bullet” to success anymore, only winding paths. That’s not to say that what you’ve achieved isn’t awesome, it is. Or that what you went through sucked, it did (and was unfair). You are where you are. Continue swimming in your own lane and celebrate your successes.

    6. I mean, this is life. There are always people who are going to have more advantages than you. I think obsessing about the high school you went to and how it negatively affected you is not a good way to move forward and achieve your goals. Also, working at that smoothie shop probably taught you skills that your peers didn’t get. Why not refocus on the advantages you did have, rather than the ones you didn’t?

       1. This. Life really isn’t fair at all, but that’s the way it is. I know you don’t mean it to, but your post comes across as borderline entitled. You have to make the best of the hand you are dealt.

          I went to a poor inner city high school. I had no real guidance – my mom is an immigrant and housekeeper that doesn’t speak English and our guidance counselor told me to go to community college. I was basically like nah. My goal was “get into flagship state school and then I’ll figure it out.” So I did that.

          I don’t lament that I was poor, and didn’t have a privileged upbringing. Sure, there are still effects I see of growing up disadvantaged and my life is harder than most of my biglaw peers. I became a homeowner later than my peers/co-workers, but that’s because I had to save up the down payment myself in a HCOL area, pay off my law school loans, and I help my mom with her living expenses. I still sometime run across words my co-workers use that I don’t know what they mean, but I just Google them. I don’t feel perfectly comfortable at fancy client dinners, etc., but that’s the way it goes.

    7. I’m also from a small town with low performing schools, and my family is lower middle class in area with a lot of extreme poverty. I feel proud of what I accomplished, of what I’m accomplishing. I worked hard to get here and harder still to learn how to fit in with people who spent their childhoods in the Hamptons instead of at the creek. But you know who the most successful member of my graduating class is? I don’t think it’s me, although I make more money and have a higher prestige job than my peers. I think it’s this woman who grew up in a literal meth lab, had a baby in the seventh grade, and is now an RN and a genuinely lovely person. I worked hard and went far, but she worked harder and went farther. I feel grateful that I know her, that I know how many faces success can wear, that I know what even assuming people are really capable of being and becoming.

       Maybe I’d be richer if I had a different background, but I’m not going to trade that friendship or any of the other lessons my experience has brought for an extra fifty grand.

    8. Most of us experience longing for the path not taken, no matter where we start from.

       First of all, this isn’t all in your head. Where you went to HS does make this problem inevitable, to some extent. I also grew up in a rural community. I’m making an assumption that it was more economically prosperous than the one you were raised in, but I still have felt these pangs in my professional career from time to time.

       I don’t know how old you are, but you have to throw away the yardstick you’re measuring yourself against. So what if you’re behind now; it doesn’t mean you’ll never achieve your goals. Or, maybe you’re pursuing the wrong kinds of goals; it’s impossible to tell. I bring this up as a possibility because high-achieving girls coming from similar environments *can* end up deriving a lot of their self-worth from external factors like grades, extracurricular activities, and traditional markers of success.

       I remember the almost out-of-body feeling I often had during my first professional job. I didn’t have anyone to really guide me through the process and feel like I learned about professional norms the hard way, a lot of the time. But you know what? Plenty of people do!

       I’d encourage you to stop thinking about what might’ve limited your opportunities in the past. Focus on who you are now, and how you can get where you want to be. Stop the comparsion game — seriously, it is toxic. I’ve done it to myself and am currently supervising someone whose still caught up in that game. It is exhausting and very bad for your mental health.

    9. Thanks for the responses so far. I should clarify that I DO feel really grateful for what I have in so many areas of life – wonderful husband, I find my line of work academically stimulating and fascinating, I have some very fulfilling hobbies, etc. I have just recently started analyzing why I feel behind career-wise compared to some of my peers and high school/its effects on my college experience seemed like a factor the more I looked into it. I have known for a long time that I want to do things differently with my kids and these new thoughts have really confirmed it.

       1. Heh. Good luck with that.

          I swore I would give my child every opportunity I didn’t have, and you know what? He wasn’t having any of it. He’s made his own way, which has been fine but certainly wasn’t the way I would have done it. In hindsight I really wish I’d been the parent he wished he’d had, rather than the parent *I* wished I’d had.

          Just a thought…

    10. I went to a tiny rural high school too, without the economic advantages that you’ve described. For most of my university friends, the thought that you could do an internship instead of working at the local factory over the summer was impossible; summers were for making money so that you could go back to school. I didn’t feel an academic disadvantage, but I absolutely felt a social disadvantage, especially in law/professional school.

        FWIW, i feel left behind because I just bought a house, while i’m surrounded by much newer lawyers who’ve had much nicer houses for years. I recognize that they’re in a position to do so because of their personal advantages (doctor parent, no student debt, etc) but it still stings that I’m “behind” where I should be as a result of things i couldn’t control.

        You’ve come so far, and you’re helping to make sure that your kids will know about these options. (But also, please, making sure they work sh*tty jobs so that they appreciate their advantages. Smoothie shops never hurt anyone.)

        1. +1 Same as above!

           I only recently (11 years into practicing law) became aware of the actual REAL economic consequences of some of this disadvantages. Once I got over the emotional aspects of it I decided to start a mentoring program in my small town through my small college to help similarly situated students who are planning to go to law school.

        2. I went to a very good suburban public high school, but I still had some of these experiences. I worked at CVS during high school for about three years instead of doing any high school internships or doing additional extracurriculars. I also babysat the summer before college and then worked at Bath and Body Works the summer after my freshman year. Because of this, I didn’t have the “experience” to get a phenomenal internship my junior year… though I didn’t really realize that at the time. In the end, I decided to go to law school, so most of this wasn’t really important career-wise. (I do think that if I had done all of this “correctly,” I may have ended up with a good job after college and not done law school but who knows.)

           I will say though that as a practicing lawyer, my experience working in high school has been more valuable than most other things I’ve done. Since I was customer facing, I had three years of customer service experience, which is extremely helpful in dealing with clients and other coworkers. I’ve even had other people I work with comment on how much better I am with clients than people normally are at my experience level.

15. Any thoughts on whether brogues or oxfords are still on trend? Are loafers more on trend?

    1. I was well into adult life before it dawned on me how different my life would have turned out if I’d had the leg up that others around me had had. I didn’t have my parents’ social network to tap into for professional opportunities, my HS had absolutely nothing in the way of college guidance, I had no career guidance, my peer group didn’t particularly value education, I didn’t even recognize what a top college was. I had no guidance on social norms, etc. To this day, I notice how my friends continue to outpace me economically because of the kind of start they got.

       I say that to confirm that what you’re seeing and realizing is real. It makes a difference. My choice now is what i do with that and how I handle my attitude toward it.

16. Sometimes I really feel like investing in trying to find a forever partner… other times, I just want to have someone in my life who’ll flirt with me via text and make me feel desired by someone. Why is this process so d@mned difficult?!

    1. I’m 34, but AHHH I hear you. Can’t even decide whether I want to keep trying at this point (and no one has been terrible, I’m just a little burned out).

    2. I got tired of the process and gave up. And then I met a guy who seems great. It’s still early and I’m not getting ahead of myself… but if it doesn’t work out I’ll be ok. I’ll probably go back to not looking.

    3. Also 34 and yup, it’s terrible. Personally, I’ve been going on lackluster dates after a guy I really saw a future with broke up with me a few months ago, and I am really struggling to get over him. So at least you’re not alone in misery?

    4. Oh man, are you me? I feel you, so much. It’s the worst.

       Also, if literally anyone makes a “it will happen when you’re not expecting it/looking for it!!” comment, I will scream. (Most unhelpful advice ever for those of us who will never not be hoping/looking! Don’t say this to your single friends!)

       1. Lol plus it’s so untrue. It happened for me after I read some advice on Corporette and treated it like a serious job, where I basically messaged everyone on an online dating app. It was a lot of time and effort! Years! It’s the hardest thing in the world!

    5. I’m 38 and was on the verge of giving up, so I invested in a dating service. I’ve been dating match #2 for almost a year, and things are going really well. But, I think if we ever did break up, I would just give up dating all together.

    6. I’m 36, divorced, and doing absolutely nothing to meet people. I rarely go “out”-out, and when I do it’s with family or my married friends (which is all of them). Whenever I think about the things people do to try to date, I just don’t feel like doing any of it, so I don’t.

       Right now, I feel like I would only date someone who came out of nowhere and was immediately amazing. He would also have to pursue me pretty decisively. For now, I feel like this works with my approach of not doing anything I don’t want to do, and not wasting my time or feelings. If no one shows up, that’s fine. My life is pretty good, and the parts that are lacking are more about everyone else being married than me being single.

       It’s been almost 2 years since my marriage ended, and I notice I am still learning things all the time about what I want and like. I’m not saying anyone should be satisfied with that, but it’s interesting that I haven’t hit the point of diminishing returns yet.

       1. +10000

    7. Also 35 and single and it sucks. Agree with the poster above that mostly what sucks is everyone else being married, because it was way less lonely to be single back when all my friends were too. Now that we’re older everyone wants quiet nights at home (Me included! I’m tired!) and it’s very lonely to do that alone. This won’t solve anything, but someone recommended “It’s Not You: The 27 Wrong Reasons You’re Single” on here a few years ago, and it’s an amazing book. (It’s not what it sounds like… it contains zero advice about how to find someone and instead provides comforting words about all of the stupid advice given to single people.). I re-read it every time I’m feeling down about my situation. The ONLY good thing about dating when older is I have way more confidence and little patience for guys who don’t chase me (thanks Senior Attorney!), and I’m perfectly fine staying at home if the alternative is to be out somewhere with a jerk. So, there’s that? :)

17. Sigh.

    I totally feel you and will be following the responses.

18. Sigh.

    I totally feel you and will be following the comments.

19. Posting again for some additional responses: By stroke of luck, I’m going to be able to attend an event tomorrow where I can meet the top members of my favorite sports team ever. I am a total rabid fan. I’m wondering what I should say to them that won’t be obnoxious? Everything I can think of – “it is so awesome to meet you” “I am amazed by your talent,” etc. sounds so trite. For what it’s worth, these are women in their 20s (women’s basketball) and I am early 40s and I’ll be there with my young kids. Can I ask them for a photo with my kids (or with me)?

    1. Read the room to see if it’s the kind of event where you can ask for a photo. And you should say those things, they’re true. Yeah, you won’t be the first person to say them, but I doubt they get tired of it, unless you’re truly obnoxious.

20. Those things sound totally fine to say. So long as you don’t say anything creepy you should be set. “Wow, your hair is so shiny, can I touch it?” “Your b00bs are so big in real life” “I followed you around a grocery store once!” “You are so pretty, I just want to look at you forever” “Can I have a lock of your hair?” “Do you need a ride home? I have my van out back – don’t worry about the black-out window curtains, they’re just temporary”

21. Got a new job and they had a lot of urgency for me to start within two weeks, so I figured I was going to hit the ground running. Now, I’m one week in and still don’t have a laptop, an account, a parking pass… I’ve just been using my personal laptop to learn about the technologies they use. Feeling discouraged and wondering if I made the right choice. Have other people had similar experiences when starting new jobs?

    1. Yes, my last job in public health ngo was like that. I should have bolted.
       My current job was like that too, but higher ed is notoriously slow over summer so I gave them a pass.
       If I were you, I would not use personal laptop as a stopgap. Let them supply you a temp laptop.

    2. Is this a very small company that doesn’t do a lot of hires, and therefore has no one really prepped to take care of this kind of thing? If that’s the case, I’d be viewing them differently than if they were a bigger and apparently very badly run company.

       I work for one of those small places. We’re a great place to work but no, we don’t have a hiring process in place, and have to figure it out all over again every time someone new comes on board.

    3. I started a new job 2 summers ago and wanted to take some time in between jobs because i have been working since I was 16 with no break. But the company was adamant I start ASAP so I only got a week in between. I would have liked to take the rest of the summer to spend time with my kids while they were out of school.

       And then, like you, they weren’t ready for me. I had a laptop and the normal HR orientation, but in my case I was supposed to be starting up a new department, and due to some internal, some external circumstances, I couldn’t get running until well into the fall. So also like you, I was relegated to spending time learning about the company and trying not to bother anyone.

       I was so, so resentful. But I think recruiting always wants you to start immediately because they don’t want to lose you, they need to check that box, etc.

       I wouldn’t necessarily leave. I’d wait it out and see what the job becomes, and also put yourself out there to pick up projects to tide you over – I did some of that.

       In my case I ended up really liking my new role after I had a chance to get rolling.

22. Where do you go online to discuss novels? GoodReads?

    1. 2peasrefugees.boards. net/ board/2/ nsbr-resurrected
       they have a weekly “what are you reading” thread. It’s pretty good.

23. Anyone else dealing with a “i could have been a contender” feeling..?
    I’m approaching the last year of my 20s and my life is pretty meh. I have an adorable, if often infuriating 3 year old, been married for 5 years and am good at my job, and senior but not management and JUST touching 6 digits in salary in a cheap European capital. Ifeel a little bit mommy-tracked because of having been the trailing spouse and a paycut taking this job.
    I expected to be more senior at work, and struggling less at home by 30 and do not see that happening in the ~14 or so months left to get there.
    In the meantime, DH, who is only 4 years older is killing it at work with a C-level title and much more on the track i expected a decade ago.

    1. You’re only 29! That’s so young!

       There are always going to be people who are more successful than you, but comparison is the thief of joy. Also, you’re doing better than, like, 99% of the world, so you should probably work on your perspective a little bit.

    2. Sounds like she’s only 28, actually. Relax OP! You got the hardest part done (kid) and still have a great career and oodles of time ahead of you to make your dreams come true (you just have to WORK HARD NOW). And you’re living in Europe, which is a dream to try for many. Seriously, the have-it-all lust is often counter happiness so make sure you appreciate what you’ve done so far. On the other hand, if you really feel like C-suite hubs is either using you or is being inconsiderate of your ambitions, you need to address this in your division of labor. I think so many of these types of problems stem from never having the conversation to begin with, like “hey, I am very interested in making it to C-level senior management within 5 years. This has nothing to do with our finances or lifestyle [ergo please don’t tell me we can afford for me to take a back seat]; this is truly important for me to feel fulfilled in my career/social status/self-image.” Personally, I recently realized, after getting the “in” on senior leadership meetings, that I don’t actually want to do all the things required to make it to top level at my company (which is LOTS of travel and face time with leadership, broing it out at late dinners with expensive scotch that is purchased on T&E despite explicit company policy and while being oblivious to the fact that two out of three people at the table (95% men, of course) are at least 80 lbs overweight and likely will be having a heart-related incident in the next few years). I can hang with the worst of them but I don’t actually want to. I can’t shake the feeling that if women were running leadership, all of this would be way less about who will commit to ruining their health the fastest and way more about getting sh!t done and getting out of there, home to a nice meal!

    3. it’s the “almost 30” blues. You turn 30 and those feelings go away for the most part (it did for me). and ditto what Anon above said–comparison is the thief of joy.

    4. I’m trying to think kindly of you and realize it’s possible that, at age 28, you found yourself living in a different country, caring for a difficult three-year old, while you’re busy working and your husband is even busier working, and that you are feeling lonely and isolated, like you married too young and are stuck in this settled-down life with only one track ahead. And maybe you’re feeling a little depressed. If that’s the case, please reach out for help. And, you’re going to need to mature in your perspectives and emotional coping skills. But that’s OK, every 28 year old needs to do that.

       However, if you’re dealing with what your post actually says …that 100,000 is too little to be earning at your age, that you aren’t going to get a c-level job by age 30 . . . then you need a serious, immediate readjustment of your values and expectations. Because if you’re unhappy and discontent with the amazing advantages and opportunities you have right now ….what’s going to happen when some genuine suffering hits your life? Develop perspective and resiliance and the ability to shift your perspective now, so that real hardship and suffering doesn’t destroy you when it comes. (And sooner or later, it hits all of our lives).

    5. Oh my god get a grip. You’re married with a kid living in Europe with a good job making plenty of money. Get over yourself and enjoy it.

24. God, that did come out a lot more entitled than i meant.

    Thanks anon at 8.41am for taking the generous view. The move was indeed sudden, and months later, i still feel unsettled and lonely because all my family and friends are in different timezones and busy. Text messaging and facetime isnt the same as actually meeting loved ones. And the expat communities, while close is full of churn.
    Making friends is hard with the language barrier and last week, i heard from two of my closest new friends – they are moving out of this city into different continents in the coming months.
    My kid also started at a new, fancy kindergarten here a week ago which feels like the end of his being a baby. This, combined with a bunch of people at work being let go/fired over the last 2 weeks gave me the extreme blues- no family/friends + work starting to suck = life is awful (dramatizing, because ‘m 28 :P).
    At times like this, i start to feel that if one part of life was “awesome” – like killing it at work (hence the c-suite, salary references)/really enjoying a hobby(which also died with the move because yoga classes in a foreign language is more stressful than calming)makes it easier to cope.

    Thanks everyone else for telling me to get some perspective – it is indeed true because the crappy few weeks were just a few weeks and remembering that there is much to be grateful for is helpful.

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