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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 207 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  1. Anon

    Really enjoyed the political view convo on the morning thread and I’m heartened to see so many reasonable, respectful feminist voices, particularly from the transgender discussion. I have felt alone in my views in my real life for so long and it’s clear many other women have hesitated to speak up as well. Always happy to have discussions on the concept of gender here if anyone is interested!

    • Ellen

      Yes, it is great when the HIVE get’s together to discuss the issues du jour. We are so powerful as a group when we put our heads together. We must rise above the gender gap that we face every day with men trying to dominate us financially and se-xueally! FOOEY on them!

    • Anonymous

      I agree. I feel like nuance is really lacking in our current political climate and found the discussions this morning refreshing.

    • Anon

      I really enjoyed too. I am a liberal but I live in possibly the #1 liberal city in the country and I get not-liberal-enough shamed all the time, which to me is as bad as the what about-ism we get from the right.

    • Anonymous

      I missed this morning’s thread, but David Brooks had an interesting opinion piece in the 10.16 NYT about how the reality is that people fall all across a political spectrum, but we are currently only hearing rhetoric from the poles, and what effects that is having on people. The piece specifically references a recent study about where people really fall on the spectrum, which can be found here:

      https://hiddentribes.us/

      The site includes a mini-test you can take to see where you probably fall.

      • Anonymous

        This is interesting. My in-laws are clearly Devoted Conservatives, who raised a Passive Liberal (not too surprising an outcome perhaps), whereas my Mom is Politically Disengaged and my Dad is Traditional Conservative. But maybe they would not agree. I don’t see myself anywhere on this map.

      • Anon

        Fascinating. I got Traditional Conservative, which is not at all surprising to me. My parents are both Devoted Conservatives bordering on conspiracy theorists these days.

        • Anonymous

          Will read. I think you have a point and I haven’t heard it articulated as well as you did.

  2. Anon

    Super quick workout ideas? With my job I’m both home and awake for only about an hour a day, so a full gym session is out of the question. What workout do you like if you only have 5-10 mins and are at home?

    Going along with this- any tips for making this manageable? Quick cleaning/meal prepping/relaxing? I get up disgustingly early so am very low on energy as well. Unfortunately I don’t make much so cannot outsource.

    • Sassyfras

      HIIT workouts – combine burpees, pushups, jump squats, things like that. Do as many as you can for 40 seconds and then rest 20 seconds.

    • Anonymous

      Fitness Blender. You can search by workout length and type to find something that sounds good to you.

      • Torin

        +1 they’re great

        For food, do you have a slow cooker or pressure cooker? If low on time and energy, beans and soups and stews made in the slow cooker or pressure cooker are the best ways to get really satisfying healthy meals, imo. Here’s a list of 12: https://pinchofyum.com/12-healthy-freezer-meals

        My other go-to healthy but super quick meal is roasted veggies and eggs. I buy bags of pre-cut veggies, which I take out of the freezer and put straight in the oven to roast with oil and spices, and then make some eggs (scrambled, fried, whatever).

    • Coach Laura

      For quick exercise – NYTimes Scientific 7-minute workout and advanced 7-minute workout. They have an ap that goes on your phone so it’s easy to pull it up and start. These are all body-weight exercises needing only a chair, wall or step.

      A yoga flow set would also be about 10 minutes. Sun salutation with plank, upward dog, downward dog, lunge with backward bend are relaxing and could be done in the morning or at the end of the day to relax.

      For meal prep, easy things like omelets, deli takeout soup and crusty bread is my default for super-busy nights. Other ideas are crock-pot meals or instant pot meals along with meal prepping on the weekend to have things ready to dump in pot ready to cook.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – I think it’s the app Seven (with a white 7 in a teal blue circle background)

        • Coach Laura

          Hmm…my app is a green icon direct from NYTimes’s website.

          I should mention that the advanced workout uses hand weights.

    • Anonymous

      What about finding ways to put 5-10 minutes of activity into your day instead? That’s supposed to be more healthy anyway – we weren’t designed to sit for 23 hours and work out for 1 hour. Things like taking the steps, a quick walk, doing phone calls standing up, etc.

      You’re really the perfect candidate for it.

      • Anon

        OP here- luckily I get to walk part of my commute and I have a sit/stand desk so spend a few hours standing at work!

        • BeenThatGuy

          I don’t have time a lot of time to exercise lately. When I take a restroom break, I walk up and down my building’s stairwell. It’s only 5 floors, but it gets my blood pumping and it feels good. Could you try this?

    • Anonymous

      This is my go-to, I have zero time but want something reasonably healthy that isn’t a frozen dinner or takeout meal:

      Slice chicken sausage (precooked, casing-free) into a pan on medium heat. While it starts cooking, chop up vegetables (zucchini, peppers, sweet potato, squash, mushrooms, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, onion, literally whatever you can get your hands on) and add to pan. Alternatively, dump frozen veggies into the pan and let cook while you slice the sausage. Season with salt and pepper. Let everything cook until vegetables and sausage begin to brown, flip/stir once then let brown on the other side. While it’s cooking, clean up any mess from chopping/prep. Dinner is cooked and kitchen is clean in about 20 minutes.
      For a meal-prep version, chop and portion out everything in advance so all you have to do is dump into a pan and cook. Then do burpees while it’s cooking :)

      • Anonymous

        This feels like a dumb question, but where do you find precooked sausage?

        • emeralds

          Most chicken sausage is sold pre-cooked. Just check the packaging and it will tell you.

        • buffybot

          Almost all packaged chicken sausage is pre-cooked (not from the butcher’s counter). I think Aidell’s is a common brand.

          • SC

            Yup. I buy Aidell’s chicken sausage at Costco, but several of my local grocers sell it.

        • Anonymous

          I buy it at trader joes. They have a couple of different flavors, but I prefer the garlic ones.

    • Anonymous

      I would do yoga. most Yoga with Adrienne videos are less than a half hour, and doing it every day really really adds up. That being said, she has shorter workouts and you could develop your own short flow. And most of her videos have a nice meditation/cool down period at the end, that way you are ready for bed or ready to start your day, depending on how you do it.

    • Anonymous

      Google “12 minute athlete.” Super high intensity workouts. I do sometimes tone down the intensity a bit and do 24 minutes or even 36 if I’ve got a lot of time.

    • Anonymous

      For meal prep I would recommend just buying/ordering things you like and will eat in larger quantities. In my fridge I keep a plastic bin of food I like and can combine for lunch/snacks. Right now I have: -prepackaged salad kits(fun ones like blue cheese and bacon) for work lunches then bagged ones, hard boiled eggs, string cheese, hummus cups, portioned out baby cArrots, Fage Greek yogurt with honey, pre cooked bacon, and apples. This way I can grab food and run. At work I keep a bowl for salads, utensils, pretzel thins or pita, some kashi nut butter bars and some seltzer.

  3. Senior Attorney paging Mid-Week Trip to L.A.

    If you are up to a trek to Pasadena, I’d love to meet you for lunch while you are here! Email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you’re interested!

  4. Anon

    Ladies with kinda wavy hair- I need your help! My hair is wavy enough I can’t just leave it be but not wavy enough that I can embrace the wave (the wave isn’t uniform, but the section of hair right next to my Face is the worst offender). Often most (but never all) of mg hair looks ok in the morning but is stringy by noon. It just never seems to cooperate! I’ve tried all lengths and cuts. I currently don’t havd tome to wash or heat style in the morning which exacerbates it (I leave for work at 5am, so really this is non negotiable)

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had great luck with spritzing my hair with sea salt spray and braiding it before bed, then finger combing the resulting waves when I wake up.

    • jwalk

      This might not help with stingy-ness, but I have a similar issue with my waves not being uniform and I find it easiest to shower at night, put my hair in braids and sleep that way, then take the braids out the next morning and BOOM uniform waves that (for me) last all day. You can experiment with how many braids to do depending on the thickness of your hair and how tight you want the wave to be.

    • Anon

      When your hair is wet, take sections of hair and twist them in a consistent direction away from your face. No need to pin them or hold them with product. Just leave the loose twists alone as your hair dries. It will give you an intentional wavy look. I’ve recommended this on here before – it was a tip from my hairdresser.

      I know you’re short on time. I make my twists in my car on my drive to work. I don’t have to make them perfect in order for it to work.

    • Torin

      I bet other people notice your inconsistency in waviness less than you do. Mine is curly rather than wavy, but it’s definitely not uniform across my head, and the only person who has ever noticed was my stylist, and even he didn’t notice it until he cut it more than once. I think it’s obvious but no one else sees it.

    • Anonymous

      I have started using hot rollers in the morning and it was a life changer. The curl doesn’t always stay, but it stays well enough that I get a mostly even texture.

    • Of Counsel

      Sadly I have this hair and found keratin to be the only reliable solution.

    • turtltorney

      i just figured out a hack for this! I learned from a youtube video on how to blow out fine wavy hair. you start with a paddle brush (not a round brush – that’s only used later, and if you have time for a full blow out) after hair is towel dried (but still very wet so that the face framing pieces aren’t starting to curl). Brush sections of hair up or back (away from your face) while you blow dry with a concentrator on the dryer. Here’s the key – only do that for the face framing pieces! and the nape if you want. Then, if you have no more time, just put the rest in a bun to bring out your natural wave, or if you have 1 more minute, take the concentrator off and blow through the body of the hair while tousling with fingers and then put in a bun.

      I find that the feeling that my waves are frizzy or not uniform or unprofessional really stems from the face framing pieces being wonky. This makes me feel 100% put together.

  5. Sewing patterns

    I know there are at least a few people here who see, so I thought I’d ask— what are your favorite sources for adult clothing patterns aside from the big old-fashioned publishers that you can find at JoAnn? I would like to try making myself some simple blazers and a copy of the white sheath dress Meghan Markle wore in Australia a few days ago. I know there are lots of independent pattern companies out there with more contemporary styles, but I am not quite sure where to start looking.

    • Anonymous

      Love Seamwork (Colette) but make sure you check your measurements. Depending on your level I like Burda, too, for more stylish patterns.

    • Candidate

      I really enjoy BurdaStyle magazine. It can be a bit of a mixed bag some months, but their patterns are often ahead of trends. They have published many, many blazer patterns and dresses. The biggest downside is their instructions are high-level, so you need either experience or good reference material. StyleArc also has trendy patterns, good drafting, but has the same issue with the instructions.

      The smaller “indie” pattern companies vary widely in quality. Stay away (far far away) from Colette, for example. I like Deer & Doe patterns, and liked Sewaholic a lot before they shut down (electronic PDF patterns are still available). I’ve had mixed results from Closet Case Files, but I think they are continuously improving.

      You can get really nice results with the “big 4” (Simplicity, McCalls, Butterick, Vogue) patterns from JoAnns. For inspiration you can check out some blogs – I like Girls in the Garden & SunnyGal Sewing Studio to see fantastic results from the Big 4.

      • BB

        Curious what your bad experience is with Colette? I’ve never bought anything from them because they’ve always been way too babydoll looking for me, but I read their blog a lot and they seem cool?

        I did like Sewaholic, and didn’t realize she had shut down!

        • Candidate

          I have tried two patterns from them (the Sencha blouse and the Juniper pant) and the drafting on both was weird. There was a huge blowup in the sewing blogosphere around their Rue dress, related to the drafting, that I think they mis-handled, and which revealed that their drafting block is short-waisted, has a high breast apex, and wide shoulders, aka fits the founder perfectly and is a PITA for other people to adjust.

          That said, you should expect to make adjustments, but it’s easier if you either know the company is using some kind of standard block or if they define it ahead of time so you know what you need to change. E.g. I have to do a small FBA and a moderate-to-large sway-back adjustment on most patterns, and I expect that, but raising an apex is harder.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – You are going to have better luck with the “old-fashioned” Big 4 patterns than most indie designers.

        Emily Hallerman (sp?) has a sewing blog that talks about some of the Big 4 patterns so likes/uses.

        • Anonymous

          Emily Hallman.

          Also, if you see a pattern you want to try, definitely do a google search for the pattern name/number and “blog” to see if any of the sewing blogs have comments on it.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been doing quite a bit of sewing on patterns from “itch to stitch” – her patterns are always impeccably drafted, come in a wide size range, and different bust sizes for the woven patterns. The seams are structured a bit differently than what Megan Markle wore, but I’ve had great results from the “Marbella” pattern

      If you join the facebook group, the designer & many other experienced sewers are ready to give advice and recommendations.

    • Anonymous

      I recently purchased Sew many dresses sew little time. Its great for drafting your own patterns based on your body type, great for sheath dresses. They have directions on how to make all kinds of different bodices and pair them with skirts.

      Also, check out patternreview.com to see what other people think of indy patterns or what they do with normal simplicity patterns.

      I love sewing and making my own clothes. Even using $20 a yard fabric is often cheeper than buying my own. And usually fits me better.

    • BB

      There are a lot of good indie pattern companies out there: Colette, Grainline Studios, Arc Designs, Sewaholic. BUT I find that they are usually not great for workwear and tend to skew on the vintage-inspired side. Like one of the posters said above, the Big 4 are generally good for this. You just need to pay attention to the line drawing and not the awful styling/example they have. For your sheath dress, I would absolutely get a simple pattern from one of the Big 4 for 4 bucks vs. paying 20 bucks for an indie pattern.

      I also like Burdastyle for contemporary, but I personally HATE taping together printed patterns and I can only print them on computer paper which is way too thick and stiff. I do love their designs though!

    • SewsALot

      I make most of my clothes and have a few thoughts:

      1. Style Arc and Burdastyle magazines have great contemporary styles, but you have to be comfortable with sparse instructions. Also, you have to add seam allowances to Burda magazine patterns (not to the ones sold in envelopes).

      2. I would be _very_ careful about Colette patterns, especially if you are not very short-waisted and broad shouldered. Read the reviews on sewing pattern review carefully. They are expensive patterns that often require a lot of fitting work. Sewaholic patterns are great if you are pear-shaped (I love them). I have heard that Cashmerette patterns are good if you fall into her size range. The nice thing about them is that you don’t have to do a full-bust adjustment up to an H cup.

      3. The really critical thing that I would recommend is, if you don’t already have one, get a really good fitting book and go through it with a basic sheath dress pattern. Figure out where you need to make changes to the patterns. That can take a pattern from looking just ok to looking amazing on you. I would recommend starting with Fit for Real People. I’ve also heard that Kenneth King’s fitting book is good, although I don’t have it. There are some really good contemporary workwear patterns throughout the Big 4 companies, but fitting is the key to making them look good.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve used New Look 6000 to make several sheath dresses. It’s very easy and you can make it as simple as you would like.

    • Ariadne

      I haven’t taken the plunge and purchased a pattern from their site, but sew over it patterns just released a work to weekend capsule PDF pattern package. The styles can be adapted for work. I also watch Lisa’s YouTube vlogs where she wears the samples, so it gives me inspiration. I have had luck with new look patterns, as they are easy to make, and adaptable.
      Currently making a pointe a line skirt from a pattern that had a really unflattering cover image. I think the big four patterns don’t have the best styling of their patterns, but if you look at the line drawings, you can see way more potential.

    • Anonymous

      I like grainline a lot. The drafting is very good, but beware of all the ease on some of the dress patterns. The scout tee is a great woven work top for me. You might try their Morris Blazer.

      Chalk and Notch has impeccable drafting, although there are not a lot of patterns to chose from.

      I’d suggest checking out indiesew: it’s a great collection of patterns from the small designers and there are often user photos or links to blogs who have sewn the pattern that may be helpful.

      For a sheath dress, I think a Big 4 is the way to go. They all have sheath patterns and you can pick based on the style lines you prefer. Big 4 gets a bad rap, but the results can be very good. Realistically, I think they provide the best workwear options. I can’t quite tell how experienced of a sewer you are from your post, but Allie Jackson’s blog has some good posts on fit, picking size, and Big 4 patterns. I second the Fit for Real People recommendation.

  6. iphone Xs case?

    I just got a new phone and now need a new case — I’d like one that’s relatively slim but still actually protects the phone when I inevitably drop it. Thanks!

    • Anon

      Otterbox Communter Series. My 14 month old thinks my phone is her favorite toy, and it has stood up (in addition to my nearly daily drops because I’m a klutz) to her chewing, dropping, chucking and stepping on.

    • NYCPA

      I drop my phones constantly and I SWEAR by Kate Spade’s cases—the ones with the rubber bumper around the edge. I initially bought one because it was cute but they’ve been so good that I will only buy them now! Occasionally the case will chip when I drop my phone but I’ve never cracked my screen despite beating them up (knock on wood!).

  7. Anonymous

    Ooh I love this pick. It looks like it will be perfect for my postpartum self this winter.

  8. meds question

    Two anti-depressant-related questions:

    1. Those of you on sertraline, Zoloft, or similar anti-depressants, did you notice weight gain? I swear I have not changed anything about my diet or workouts. If anything, I work out more and I eat less junk! But my weight has steadily crept up over the last few years since I started my sertraline, and now I’m 10 pounds over my normal weight. I’m short, so it has nowhere to hide.

    2. I feel totally lost about whether or not to stay on the meds. I was prescribed them by a psychiatrist years ago. He has since retired, so he passed the prescription on to my regular doctor. She says if it’s helping me, I should stay on it. And it is helping me in terms of managing anxiety and depression. But I’ve been on it for years and wonder if I should go off, and she doesn’t really have a strong POV about it. My therapist can’t prescribe meds.

    I’m scared to feel the way I felt before I went on the meds. But I am terrified I’ll just keep gaining weight and wont’ be able to manage it. My therapist and doctor do not seem concerned. What should I do?

    • Anon

      I switched depression medication that working for me very specifically because it was making me gain weight, which was terrible on my self-image and therefore the depression itself, and could lead to all kinds of complicating health factors. My doctor switched me to Welbutrin which generally does not cause weight gain like the other medicines and though I didn’t lose the weight, it at least plateaued. Like you I didn’t change anything diet wise and exercised more but the medication makes you hungrier and messes with your metabolism so it’s lose lose on the weight front. This medicine isn’t working for you, so talk to your doctor about other options.

    • Anonymous

      Yes to weight gain on SSRIs. I believe 1 out of 4 people get this side effect. I believe it also usually stops at 10 pounds though, so you may well be fine to keep on the meds that are working for you. That’s what I would suggest based on what you’ve said.

      As for other options, bupropion is sometimes suggested as an alternative that’s not associated with weight gain (if anything, it can help people lose weight).

      Finally, I personally had a bad experience on SSRIs (I got the “zombie” effect), so my experience may be quite irrelevant to someone who did well on them. But when I was going through discontinuation and having a hard time with it, a women’s health group informed me about amino acid therapy (tryptophan/5-HTP, plus tyrosine in a particular ratio if there’s a long-term need). This addressed discontinuation syndrome for me, and I’ve used it to stave off PMDD a few days a month since then. The medical literature on tryptophan is older, but it is supported as part of psychiatry’s toolkit. I mention this mainly if you decide to quit the SSRI AND in case you get hit with discontinuation, which for me was significantly worse than my original symptoms.

    • Veronica Mars

      Depending on the issues that caused you to go on antidepressants, they can cause weight gain because your underlying condition (depression, anxiety, etc) was contributing to your under eating or skipping meals. If you are concerned about your weight gain, consider tracking your calories or doing a program like weight watchers which encourages healthy eating and accountability. You can do it!

    • Anonymous

      I’d ask your doctor directly, and very specifically, such as asking at what weight they would recommend a medication change and whether or not to expect your weight to continue to creep up. I think it would also be useful to find a new psychiatrist who really specializes in these medications to clarify this for you.

      I too have gained 10 lbs but on a different med. I get the impression that health providers won’t be truly concerned until I tip over into the overweight column for BMI, or unless I experience rapid weight gain. Since weight gain is so common with these meds, and sometimes extreme weight gain, I think we fall into what is considered an acceptable range of side effects (by the medical community). I think providers don’t address the problem until it hits a certain point, which could differ from your personal limit, which might explain why your concerned and they’re not. But really find out why they’re not and express to them why you are. I think the conversation will be enlightening and you can better weigh your options.

    • Anonymous

      Over the past several years you’ve also gotten older. Ten pounds is probably aging, not the medications that keep you healthy.

    • Good luck

      You should definitely speak to a MD/Ph.D in therapy – you may need a new therapist or medication manager (psychiatrist).
      The weight could be aging.
      You could try reducing the dosage.
      There may be other medications.
      There are a lot of options! You seem really self-aware. I would NOT default to the “worst” potential outcome in your anxiety brain! Just find someone new to talk it out with.

  9. Glasses?

    Need to buy new prescription glasses and sunglasses for the first time in a long time and I’d like to spend some time perusing images online before going to try on in person.

    What styles do you all feel are current and fresh? Anything you particularly like or dislike? I generally don’t pay attention but I’m interested in looking past what I currently have (Warby Parker thick tortoiseshell plastic frames for glasses, Wayfarers for sunglasses).

    Similar question for men’s glasses too?

    • Anonymous

      So need help with this. I’ve always had wire frames – small as possible to not attract attention to classes. I really don’t get this huge nerdy plastic frame that’s been going on for years. If I get small wire frames, will I look like a relic of the past for not opting for what’s in style? 38, DC, business formal work place.

      • Anonymous

        If it helps – I have wireframes for home/alone afterhours at office work and Warby Parker for “people” work. Plastic glasses are too heavy to be comfortable!

      • OP

        Apparently I’m your opposite! I’ve only needed glasses for the last 6 years or so and have always done the nerdy plastic frame (getting larger and nerdier over time), and now I feel that maybe wire frames or lighter plastic frames seem *less* overdone, but I have no idea how to do them.

    • NOLA

      Mine are Jean Lafont, which are pricey, but I love them and get a lot of compliments. The shape is what’s right for me – I can’t wear glasses that are straight across the top. They have to have a curve to look right with the shape of my brows. Mine are blue with polka dots because I am a sucker for polka dots. The style is Tarantelle, but they are similar to the newer Callas https://www.lafont.com/product/57368/CALLAS-12269/

  10. Boston meetup

    Cross-posting from the morning’s thread, where I posted pretty late and with a typo in the most important part (TGIF!):

    Thanks to all those who already mailed. I will post a couple more times today/Monday in case others who might be interested have missed it, and then send a d00dle poll for date and timing to everyone who emails. If you are interested in meeting up IRL in/around Boston, send me a note at ruthbaderG on the g00gle (ignore typo earlier).

  11. Hollis

    I love reading non-fiction books and memoirs, but haven’t had a chance to read one for awhile. I am thinking about picking-up from the library one of the following: Educated by Tara Westover, Sonia Sotomayor’s book, Lab Girl or Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I haven’t read any of these and would like one that’s really engaging – one that you wouldn’t want to put down. Can someone recommend one of these (or others)? I am embarrassed to say that I read a lot of magazine articles and blogs but not a lot of books and I have very little spare time (partner at a firm with a working spouse and 3 young kids).

    For reference, I enjoyed the Hillbilly Elegy and Under the Banner of Heaven but I kind of got bored with the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks in the last quarter of the book.

    • Anonymous

      I think this is an unpopular opinion, but I didn’t like Lab Girl. I’m in STEM myself and expected to loooooove it, so maybe it was just a case of expectations being too high, but I felt like the author was very whiny and there was too much boring filler. I loved Wild and Educated is on my to-read list. I’d also recommend Bad Blood by Johh Carreyou. It’s one of the few non-fiction books that rivals fiction for how captivating it is. I could. not. put. it. down.

      • DCR

        In contrast, I really enjoyed Lab Girl. I studied STEM as an undergrad, and it made me miss it again

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, everyone I know liked it or loved it. I think it was just a me thing, but I found the author’s tone very grating.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne

        Oh, good, it’s not just me. I put Lab Girl on hold at the library and waited and waited and then it was just meh for me. I read Wild too, and found it better than Lab Girl. However, I don’t think I’m the target demographic for these books because I tend to get annoyed by memoirists who spend too much time doing what seems to me to be whining.

        The most recent book I read that counts as a memoir was called Rocket Men, which is about Apollo 8. It switches between the scientific details of trying to get a rocket to the moon, the feelings of the men in the capsule, and the personal details of the families back on earth. I thought the transitions were well-done.

        • joan wilder

          I wanted to love it but ultimately I dragged Lab Girl around partially read for a long time before I accidentally left it on a plane and felt relieved I didn’t have to stick with it anymore. [I hate not finishing a book I started, and used this as an excuse to let it go.]

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t love Lab Girl.

        I did love Wild
        I started Educated but it didn’t grab me.

    • LaurenB

      My tastes are similar to yours – I enjoyed Hillbilly Elegy and I didn’t get all the hype about Henrietta Lacks at all, I was bored with it. I would go with Educated by Tara Westover. It’s a quick read but fascinating. I didn’t care for Wild by Cheryl Strayed.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve read all but Sonia Sotomayor’s book. Educated was the most engaging for me, followed by Lab Girl. Other reccs: Dreamland, Mary Roach’s books, A Short History of Nearly Everything.
      For lighter non-fiction/memoir, Cork Dork was really fun.

    • Anon

      I can’t stop thinking about Educated – I read it a couple of months ago, and can’t get certain passages out of my mind – it’s a fascinating window into a bizarre subculture that outsiders are not usually privy to.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. The life experience described by Educated is not the life experience you’d usually find in a memoir. I might recommend it even if it were fiction– the characterizations of her family, especially her particularly problematic brother, are mesmerizing.

      • emeralds

        Agreed. I picked Educated for book club a couple of months ago, and it was fascinating. My book club is not particularly high brow, and about half of the group says it was their favorite that we’ve done this year.

        I also loved Wild and found it to be an engaging read.

    • Bookworm

      I’ve read all of those except Lab Girl. I found both Wild and Educated to be really engaging but Educated in particular was so fascinating and stuck with me so I would highly recommend that one.

    • Anonymous

      Michelle Obama has a book coming out in a few weeks, I want to read that.

    • anon

      I also enjoyed Hillbilly Elegy and Under the Banner of Heaven (really anything from Krakauer. Into Thin Air is in my top 5). If you liked Hillbilly Elegy, you would probably like Educated. It’s similar in theme, in that she gets out of her childhood situation. Her story is pretty incredible. I also enjoyed Wild, but it did stress me out at times.

      I read quite a bit of nonfiction. Here are some others that really captivated my attention:
      Gang Leader for a Day by Sudhir Venkatesh
      Molly’s Game by Molly Bloom
      The Girl with Seven Names by Hyeonseo Lee
      Wolf Boys by Dan Slater
      When Breath Becomes Air Paul Kalanithi

        • Anonymous

          +1 for Missoula. I thought When Breath Becomes Air was overhyped but that might be because I find Cup of Jo super annoying and I couldn’t stop thinking about her while I was reading the book (Paul Kalanithi’s widow is her sister).

          • Anonymous

            I was underwhelmed by when breath becomes air too. It was very good but not as stellar as I expected.I actually thought the best part of the book – the part where I teared up – was his wife’s afterword. Could be though because I am in a similar situation to her right now.

          • Anonymous

            I agree, I liked Lucy’s afterward more than his writing. I do love this popular quote of his though: “That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”
            But I didn’t think the rest of the book lived up to that quote.
            I’m very sorry you’re going through a similar situation.

    • Anonymous

      This one’s a little older, but if you missed H is for Hawk, I really recommend it.

    • SC

      I enjoyed Sonia Sotomayor’s book. I haven’t read the others you mentioned (but I’m on my library’s wait list for Educated). For general non-fiction, not necessarily memoir, I’ve enjoyed Dreamland, the Radium Girls, and Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity.

    • Anonymous

      I loved Educated and Wild. They both had some slow sections but I think Educated read especially quickly for a nonfiction memoir. The author is coming to speak in my city in the spring and I’m stalking the event website to see when tickets are available.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      I’m listening to Educated as an audiobook now and it’s excellent. Very gripping. I wasn’t prepared for it to be so violent though, and I have to say some of the descriptions of violence are making me cringe in my car as I’m listening to it, and making me feel a little anxious (and also ragey on the author’s behalf).

    • Anon

      I loved Atul Gawande’s Better and Complications. Other non-fiction I’ve enjoyed includes Into Thin Air, Savage Summit (about the lives and deaths of women who climbed K2), and the Lost City of Z.

      I read Hillbilly Elegy and Educated and wasn’t blown away, although I enjoyed the latter more than the former. Both are recommended constantly, though.

    • Monte

      Two heavy non-fiction choices by women: One of Us by Asne Seierstad about Anders Breivik and his terrorist attack (horrifying but illuminating, not only about his choices but the way a different, largely homogeneous society sees and addresses certain issues) and either Voices of Chernobyl or War’s Unwomanly Face by Svetlana Alexievich (both are books that I did not initially think i would find that interesting, but which made me break down and weep in public).

    • Anon

      Um…I’m going to disagree with you and say, not to be rude, but the dress you chose plus red lip plus turquoise earrings plus metallic shoes is…a train wreck. None of that goes together and it actively clashes. Please don’t do those all together.

      I don’t think the turquoise with this color is bad (I personally wouldn’t do it but turquoise, esp. some with yellow accents could work well), but paired with red lip and sparkly shoe is just a no go.

      I would do this dress + turquoise earrings (in gold not silver), neutral lip and warm yellow/orange spectrum (or pale pink if you look better in neutral or cool tones) makeup. Shoes a muted gold if you must go metallic.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with you except for the metallic shoes. I don’t know what metallic really helps mustard, but then I’m also not a big fan of metallic shoes anyway. YMMV. I’d go with a deep red/green/burnt orange shoe.

    • Anon

      I can’t get over how ugly the shoes are that the model in the mustard color is wearing.

    • Torin

      I would do grey booties rather than metallic shoes probably, and probably not a red lip because that’s just not my style. Turquoise earrings would look good.

  13. Best place to raise a family??

    My husband and I are contemplating a move. Currently we live in NYC but we’re planning on starting a family soon and want to leave the city (not interested in NYC area suburbs). Places we are contemplating moving to include DC-area, North Carolina (Research triangle, perhaps), and Boston. Things that are important to us: 1) good public schools that are socioeconomically diverse, 2) access to good Asian food, 3) tolerable climate (which is why we might have to rule out Boston as much as I love the city), and 4) diverse/liberal culture as we’re a mixed race couple.

    Anyone who have lived in these places can comment on what it’s like raising a family there? Any other cities we should have on our list? We’ve only started exploring the Northeast so happy to expand our horizons. Currently the front runner appears to be DC area mainly because of the schools.

    • anon

      RTP!!! Grew up in Raleigh. Wake County has excellent, diverse schools. I feel very lucky to have grown up there with access to that school system (and parents who were never going to be able to pay for private school). Plus, you’ve got the UNC school system. Re; culture– more diverse than you might think considering you’re in the south. Obviously, there will be conservatives but there enough progressives in the RTP area that I wouldn’t be tremendously concerned. It’s a highly educated area. Can’t really comment on what the food scene is like now as it’s been a while since I’ve lived there, but I understand that Raleigh as a whole is undergoing quite the revitalization of its dining/ entertainment scene. You’re close to the beach, close to Asheville… the weather is generally very easy to handle (though hot in the summer). Lovely long springs and falls.

      • Anonymous

        Yes! Planning to move to RTP area from NYC in a few years to start a family. My husband grew up there so we’re back and forth and I’ve grown really fond. I had very monolithic ideas about “the south” so I was surprised at how progressive and educated the area is. I haven’t found good asian food yet, but I’m hoping that’s just because I haven’t really left Chapel Hill yet. I’ve heard Raleigh and Durham are both getting very interesting. I just looked it up and Raleigh does, in fact, have an izakaya/ramen joint with 4.5 stars. Phew! Hopefully by the time I move there, they’ll have a few more!

    • Buzzy

      DC’er without children here: I’d be very cautious about moving to DC *proper* for its schools. Some are great, some are not, and you’re not guaranteed placement into the one closest to you because we have a lottery system. The suburbs would be better for that, and some Virginia suburbs/exburbs have excellent schools and are renowned for their Asian food (particular Annandale, which is know for its Korean community). Email me at bizzingerdc @ gmail.com if you’d want to talk further.

      • DCR

        This is factually wrong. You are guaranteed placement in your zoned school for K-12. You are not guaranteed a placement for PK-3 or PK-4 or in a charter school. But if you moved to upper NW, you would be guaranteed good schools.

    • Blueberries

      Palo Alto!

      Palo Alto has 1) great schools and with great socioeconomic diversity at some schools, but achieved through bussing. Real estate prices mean most people who live here are largely rich or really rich, though many strive to appear (or genuinely feel) upper middle class; 2) good Asian food, though depending on which area and how you define good, you might want to go to another town in the area; 3) really excellent weather; 4) liberal culture, somewhat diverse (plenty of white and Asian people, plenty of immigrants, not a lot of other diversity); my husband and I have different racial and ethnic backgrounds and we’ve never had a problem here.

      Main downside is that real estate is bananas.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think the Palo Alto schools are socioeconomically diverse AT ALL. They’re filled with incredibly wealthy kids. The rich kids are the children of millionaire tech people, the “poor” kids are the children of Stanford professors (who obviously are super well-educated and earn a healthy living but are not millionaires).

        • Blueberries

          Yes, there are lots of rich kids in Palo Alto. However, the free and reduced price lunch rates and Title I status of some schools demonstrate that there are genuinely poor kids within PAUSD. A school doesn’t get Title I designation if its poorest kids come from families making university professor-type money.

          • Anonymous

            Free and reduced lunch has been about 8-12% in Palo Alto USD in the last few years. That’s way less than national and state averages and qualifies it as a “low poverty school.”

      • OP here

        Thanks, I forgot to add the other criteria, which is that it must have lower cost of living than NYC…which basically rules out all of the Bay Area unfortunately. I’m also concerned about sending my kids to public schools in really wealthy suburbs (hence why I don’t want to live in CT/Westchester/Long Island)…I really want to get out of the NYC-area bubble where I do think people get a very skewed perspective of what is “middle class”, if you know what I mean.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve only lived in DC (and very-close-in-NOVA), not the other cities you’ve listed. My big beefs with DC are that it’s expensive (especially for the square foot in housing) and colder in the winter than I personally prefer. But, NYC is worse on both, so DC would only be an upgrade for you! I have very young kids (under 4) so can’t speak to the public schools yet, but we’re very happy with our preschool and neighborhood.

    • BB

      I can’t comment on the family part, but I think Boston hits all of your other criteria. Very good Asian food (but I mean, not NY or SF-level). The immediate Boston suburbs are very liberal and diverse – thinking Brookline or Newton – with great schools. Climate isn’t great, but honestly, the city is set up to deal with it, and 3 seasons are beautiful.

        • BB

          I agree in general on the Boston suburbs, but I think the closer in ones are not bad. Jamaica Plain is reasonably mixed, Brookline is okay. I agree that once you go further out, it becomes very not diverse. And I mean, it depend on what she wants at her doorstep. You drive 10 minutes in any direction and the socioeconomic landscape changes. Like I said, I don’t know the school system to be able to say how diverse those are.

      • Cambridge

        Cambridge all the way. Checks all the boxes (except weather) and is truly a delightful place to live.

    • Lbow

      What about Atlanta? Very diverse and open minded population and large Asian population with many great restaurants (look at Buford Hwy). Fantastic weather (though hot in the summer).
      For good public schools you’ll have to pay close attention, there are some areas in the city with good/great public schools (Virginia Highlands, Morningside, etc). There are also suburbs that are very close to the city that might be a good alternative (cheaper cost of living, great schools- take a look at Brookhaven, Decatur and Sandy Springs).
      Atlanta is a huge city (7M+) so plenty of career options and easy travel hub.
      We have lived here for 10 years and love it.

    • Anon

      I am in the DC suburbs, far northwestern edge of Fairfax county (I work in the suburbs, which makes my commute reasonable), which is where we could afford to be in a great school district and buy a forever home with a little land (we’re talking 1/2 acre here so our neighbors are not on top of us, not fields). At least in my area, there are not many (popular) good asian restaurants (but that is also not my cuisine of choice, so maybe there are hidden gems I don’t know about). We have great public schools, but at least my school district (one of the top in FFX county) is not at all socioeconomically diverse, but you could find other areas – as you get closer in to the city and further south I get the sense that there is more diversity on an economic basis. Caveat that I grew up outside of Richmond with Midwestern parents and that skews my perspective about what life is like up here, but I feel like I am constantly fighting an elitist, materiality focused onslaught in Northern Virginia. I work very hard to surround ourselves and our children with friends who are similarly “down-to-earth.” My husband is born and bred in FFX county, and he grew up with it as well. Cost of living is terrible here, but probably still an improvement from NYC. I find the area is generally open-minded if you are on the liberal end of politics; my politics are pretty conservative and my general rule is to just not discuss them because so few people would be willing to listen to my perspective, much less engage in any meaningful way. For you it sounds like that wouldn’t be an issue because you’re on the liberal end of the spectrum. I don’t find there to be much issue with mixed race couples – everyone I know is super tolerant and the area is very racially diverse, but I say this a whiter than white woman who has never experienced discrimination in her life. If it were me, I’d consider Raleigh or (depending on what your job situation looks like) a smaller city like Charlottesville, Richmond (culturally you would be great downtown, but for schools I think you would need to be in the suburbs, so maybe not the best option) or Charleston SC (no sense of schools).

    • Anon

      I’m probably way too late for you to see this but +1 for Raleigh Durham area. We moved here 5 years ago and it continues to grow (and we love it) more and more. Climate is great and it’s really family friendly. For Asian food there are many great options. Morrisville has great southeast Asian places, Durham has a great food scene overall, and we have been able to find a great option for every cuisine (except Jamaican). We are a mixed race couple as well. Durham leans a bit more liberal but the Triangle in general is very diverse. I’m happy to email additional info if you’d like. Jobefam 613 @ the google mail
      Oh and we moved from Ft Laudetdale to here

    • Carrots

      I like the idea of turquoise accents with that color! I think you could pick any accents in blues or greens and be good. Navy would make it less bold, but green/turquoise would definitely make things pop.

  15. Anonymous

    Headed to Portugal next spring and we want to spend most of our time on the coast. Rick Steves recommends Salema, but I’ve read that it’s consequently become super touristy. Anyone been there recently? Or have other suggestions? Looking for a quiet town with decent (but family-friendly) restaurants and a safe beach for young children. We’ve already purchased airfare, so the Portugal part isn’t changing. Thanks.

    • emeralds

      Estoril or Cascais outside of Lisbon. They have nice beaches; cute, mellow, and walkable commercial areas; and easy train access to other interesting places like Lisbon or Sintra.

      I’m not as familiar with the southern coast, sorry, outside of some very boozy and explicitly not family friendly weekends in college…

  16. Artsy Evening Event - Thank You

    Just want to thank those who offered suggestions in response to my shopping help request earlier this week. I have a few options now based on the advice and suggestions. I also have a jumpsuit heading my way, which I am very excited about. I have long wanted one and did not think I could pull it off, but was inspired by the suggested picks and really hope it will work out for me!

  18. Anon

    Does anyone know if Old Navy ever does restriction-free promo codes? This is my second, and likely last, pregnancy but a different season than my first, so I need to do some maternity wardrobe padding without spending huge $$. I’m loathe to buy anything at ON without using a ubiquitous 35% offer, but every code seems to exclude things like new, best sellers, etc. . .which is basically their entire maternity section (insert eyeroll emoji here). Should I just bite the bullet or wait it out? Black Friday, maybe? Any other ideas for low cost maternity sweaters, long sleeved blouses and maybe some wintery dresses?

    • Anonymous

      I really liked Le Tote maternity rental for my last kiddo. It wasn’t super cheap, but it was nice to mix it up when I was so over all of my maternity clothes.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, Black Friday/Cyber Monday should be very good prices. I’d wait til then and just buy. It’s really hard to tell with Old Navy what’s on sale and how much, because I find things are often heavily discounted on the website without a promo code and then sometimes promo codes have a lot of restrictions, as you mentioned, or only apply to more expensive items. I generally just decide if something is a fair price and then I buy it. For me, that price is about $20 for sweaters, $15 for tops, $30 for pants or dresses (at ON). I would make an exception for something that looks really beautiful and/or unique but generally I won’t spend more than that.

    • lydia

      just keep checking; they have different sales all the time. also, if I remember right, sometimes the sale right before black friday — like the week before — is better than actual black friday. I’d just put some items in your cart and watch the prices.

  19. Anonymous

    We just closed on a house this morning. I have crazy stupid buyer’s remorse. I keep crying and actually started crying in the elevator at the title company. It’s a nice house, but there’s something about it that just doesn’t feel like “us.” We missed out on a couple of houses I liked a lot more due to multiple-offer situations and I feel like we settled for something that was good enough but that I don’t love and probably will never fall in love with. The house has its good points but is not in the school district I really wanted and we’re going to have to do a major bathroom remodel almost instantly. I realize this is a high-class problem and a lot of people would love to be able to buy any house, but I feel like we just spent a lot of money on a house I will hate living in. Anyone else been here and can tell me that it gets better? My husband and son are really excited about the new house and I don’t want to be the wet blanket who keeps crying when they talk about how great this all is.

    • Anonymous

      repaint and redorate to make it seem more like yours

      allow the option to love it – it may surprise you once you’ve settled in

      you can always move – it’s not a forever decision

    • Senior Attorney

      The thing that will make it “us” is when you all live in it together. Give it a chance! And also? I daresay most people in the world don’t get houses that are perfect and that they super love. Whether or not you hate living in this house is largely going to be a choice.

      That said, many years ago a colleague of mine and her husband bought a house and fairly quickly decided they had made a mistake. They sold the house and bought one they liked better and never looked back, even though it cost them a fair bit of money. Their attitude was “it’s just money, and if this is the worst mistake we ever make, we’ll have done pretty well!”

    • Anon

      Buyers remorse is a totally common thing. It’s a stressful situation buying a house (why it’s always a top question on those stress level tests) so the relief of closing can cause all kinds of weird emotions. You may very well end up loving your house but you need to give yourself some time.

      I love my house but it wasn’t the first house we bid on. And when we were still in escrow a house I might have liked better came on the market. My husband was on board with buying our house but months later told me he felt pushed into it by me and thought we paid too much. (That wasn’t cool)

      But that was all within the first year of buying the house and since then we have consistently loved our house and can’t imagine living anywhere else. Doing some home improvements, as stressful and messy as those are, has also made the house more “ours.”

      Hang in there. Today is way, way too soon to judge.

    • Anonymous

      It might grow on you! We bought a house that I liked, but didn’t love. Three years later, I can’t imagine living anywhere else. We bought for the location, there is a much cuter house right next door that I was totally jealous of and wished was for sale when we bought. The place really has grown on me, between feeling like we hit the jackpot on location and putting in some sweat equity to make it prettier, I’ve really fallen in love. Give it time.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been there, although with a condo, not a house. I gave myself permission to splurge on some decor and furniture that I wouldn’t have bought otherwise, since I had saved a lot of money on the condo (part of the reason why I bought it in spite of not being in love with it, but this may not work if you don’t have much budget after buying-totally understandable!). I also started by picking one room and declaring that I was going to make that one room absolutely 100% the way I wanted it to be, so that even though the rest of the place didn’t feel like me, that one room did. It may seem melodramatic, but it became something of a retreat from the rest of the condo when it felt like all I could see were the flaws and I was getting constant buyer’s remorse.
      So if I were you, I’d find something you’re excited about and focus on that to avoid being the wet blanket. Maybe the new house has a great backyard- start thinking about the fun times you’ll spend there as a family and look at porch furniture. You have to remodel the bathroom- let yourself get sucked into Pinterest and get really into patterned tile and unique faucets. It doesn’t solve the problems, but it will make the whole thing more bearable!

    • Anonymous

      Been there. It took me a few days after closing to even go to the house (I wasn’t moving in immediately) and when I got there, I saw every flaw I had missed in the purchase process. So many. But while I still have lots of fixes and improvements I want to (or need to) do, and it is a little too small, I really do love it now. I met my neighbors, and they are great. There are exciting things happening in my neighborhood. But most of all, I reminded myself that I did not buy a house to communicate to the world “who I am.” I bought my house (1) to make sure I have an affordable place to be warm and dry (so far, so good) and (2) to give my pets a place where they would be happier than they were in my last place (they are — truly). Can you focus on the fact that you are buying a house so your family can be sheltered and happy together, and you’re getting that? I think you may be able to find joy in your son’s joy and your husband’s joy. And maybe pick a little spot where you can really make your mark on the house.

      • SC

        I love the idea of picking a spot where you can make your mark on the house. I am closing on a new house in a week and a half, and I have a room picked out to be “mine.” I daydream about that one particular room.

    • ER

      This feeling is actually really, really common. It does get better — you are in the trough! But like someone else said, if you don’t like it, reevaluate in two years.

    • Anonymous

      Every house at every price point has pluses and minuses. Live in it for a while and give it a chance. Also live in it a year before doing reno, as your priorities may change once you get to know the house.

    • Anonymous

      This will out me in real life, but my husband and I bought a house in June and 5 days after we moved in, we had an electrical fire. It was small, but required us to replace a fair amount of the electrical system. This was on top of having to replace the roof (to get insurance, so we could get a mortgage to buy said house…) and the gutters. I knew it was a bit of a fixer upper when we bought it, but the fire put me over the edge. I sobbed about how we were in over our heads and I regretted this decision so much. I was trying to figure out how much money we would lose if we turned around and put it right back on the market. Fast forward four months now, and it’s totally and completely our home. It still has its issues and we still have more renovations to do, but I love it. I hope you get there, too.

  20. Ann Perkins!

    How do you keep your energy up when you’re in a prolonged high-pressure/busy season? Upping my exercise (even though it’s exactly not what I feel like doing!), being militant about 6-8 hours of sleep, and building a little down time into my calendar is enough to keep me relatively sane, but I’d love to hear what other people do.

    • Torin

      Counter-intuitive, but I actually try to be really vigilant about limiting caffeine. I find if I let myself get in the habit of drinking it to try to perk myself up in the afternoon when I’m tired I start to just feel enervated and jittery (which is a weird combination of feelings but it’s what happens) all the time and then have trouble sleeping. A little bit of ginger or peppermint tea helps wake me up in the afternoon if I need it, without any caffeine.

    • anon

      You may have already done this just by virtue of being busy, but cutting alcohol. My mental sharpness is so much better with no alcohol, even when I was only drinking 1-2 drinks a few nights a week. It makes me so saddddddddd but it’s remarkably effective for me.

      Also, being militant about feeding your body well. Good protein, leafy greens, limit carbs… that stuff.

    • Anonymous

      Find the thing that energizes you best. For some people it’s social interaction, for others it’s alone time. For me, yoga and attending church regularly keep me charged up. I have to prioritize both. And like you said, making sure you have the big basics covered- staying hydrated, getting solid amounts of sleep.

  21. Anonymous

    I missed this morning’s thread, but David Brooks had an interesting opinion piece in the 10.16 NYT about how the reality is that people fall all across a political spectrum, but we are currently only hearing rhetoric from the poles, and what effects that is having on people. The piece specifically references a recent study about where people really fall on the spectrum, which can be found here:

    https://hiddentribes.us/

    The site includes a mini-test you can take to see where you probably fall.

    Apologies if this posts twice, but had a computer failure that suggests my comment didn’t transmit the first time.

    • Anonymous

      That’s interesting, thanks. I think extremes can also push people to extremes. Pre-Trump I identified as moderate and voted for candidates who seemed honest and hard-working, not exclusively by party. But now I’m just so grossed out by Trump that I’ll vote for any Democrat, even someone who seems really scummy, because they’re not a Republican. I think Trump has pushed me further left on the issues too. I was never a fan of single-payer health care, but now that Republicans are hellbent on destroying Obamacare and taking away healthcare from millions, I just want single payer so people don’t have to worry about being uninsured.

      • anon

        I understand this completely. I had always considered myself a moderate, but 2016 pushed me much farther to the left.

    • Anon

      Thanks! I took the quiz and it says I’m a progressive activist, which I find somewhat surprising. I’m not a protest-attender or marcher, but I do donate money, and I feel “very well” angry about what is currently happening. I’m kind of surprised that’s only 8% of us.

  22. ugh

    I just asked a peer why he is ignoring my email requests and he said he doesn’t want to spend time on those things. I was asking him to document on a thing he does (so others can learn) and some housekeeping task that was related to his project. He has been in the group for months and been extremely solitary, whereas our workplace culture is collaborative and team-oriented. His outright refusing to invest a small amount of time for long-term benefit of the team is really not done here.
    Is this something you’d escalate to the manager? It feels like such a small, obvious thing (of course you do your own work, but you also are part of a team) and almost petty to go to my boss with this. But, I don’t want to work with a jerk for the next year, and I think he needs to change to succeed himself.
    Thanks for letting me vent…

    • Anon

      Yes I would absolutely escalate it. My husband works with a guy like this and the company has let it go for way too long, to the point that if the guy is out of the office and something goes wrong with one of the systems he supports, no one can fix it. You should have no part in letting it get that bad before your coworker’s situation is addressed.

    • MKB

      As a manager, I’d want to hear about this, sooner rather than later so it’s easier for me to deal with.

  23. Anonymous

    This is a really dumb question, but I’ve never been on a monthly medicine until now..how do I get prescription refills? I know the doctor called the store initially and then I just went to CVS to pick it up. I have 11 refills remaining, for the rest of the year, but I don’t know how I get the refill – do I call? If I just show up, they won’t have the medicine in stock, right?

    • Anonymous

      Mine is filled automatically each month and CVS texts me daily once it’s ready until I pick it up. Call about the initial refill and sign up for text alerts, which you should be able to do through the automated system. If you ever don’t get a text, give them a call and see what’s up. If everything is running smoothly, you’ll get a text when your next refill is ready.

    • Tetra

      I have been using Safeway as my pharmacy, and every month they text me that it’s time to refill, and I can text back “yes” to refill. Then they’ll text me when it’s ready. It’s very convenient! I bet CVS has something similar.

    • Anonymous

      Ask the pharmacist to put the prescription on auto-refill and to send you notifications when it is ready. That way, each month, the pharmacist will pre-order the medication so it is ready on the refill date and then let you know when it’s there. Easier for everyone.

    • Cat

      Yes, there should be a phone number printed on this month’s prescription for you to call. When you call it, follow the prompts to submit your prescription for refill. You’ll enter the prescription number and also specify a pickup time (for that day or the following day).

    • Anonymous

      Call the pharmacy and ask them to refill it. They will tell you when it will be ready (usually a day or two).

      When you are out of refills (a year from now), ask the pharmacy to ask your doctor to refill/renew it. At that point your doctor may not be willing to do so, as many doctors like to see patients annually for a physical, to check on the condition, or, if it’s psychiatric medication, for a “med check.”

    • Anonymous

      You can ask CVS to put it on auto-refill. They will package up the refill and call you to remind you to pick it up a few days before you run out.

    • Lilly

      Auto refill is good, but if you would rather control when the refill occurs, get the CVS app. There’s a lot of other stuff on it too, but it’s great with refill. My problem with auto refill and big chain pharmacies is that they will only keep the filled prescription waiting for you for so long, and if life gets in the way of picking it up on time, they restock it and you have to request again for it to be refilled.

  24. Anonymous

    Shredding some old papers today. In 2000, I had less than $150,000 in retirement savings. Today, I have $1.5M. Ladies, keep saving! Even when you think you have nothing and you are only able to save a little tiny bit at a time, keep saving. It adds up. PS: not a humblebrag. I may still be eating cat food in my retirement.

    • Leah

      I save and save, and it just seems to fall into a bottomless pit that goes nowhere no matter how good the economy gets. All my investments (401k, Roth) are in Vanguard admiral funds with rock-bottom expense ratios, and I’ve been saving at least 15% for over a decade. I don’t even have 200k yet. I just don’t understand why my money isn’t growing.

      • Anon

        Salaries tend to skew high here. If you’re like me and have only made >50k in maybe 2 years of over 20 working, it takes a lot longer, since you’re saving 15% of a smaller number than what is frequently represented in the comments here. That said, if at all possible, make it a goal to increase your percentage of savings.

  25. NOLA

    A friend of mine convinced me to buy this dress in the navy blue: https://www.lulus.com/products/light-up-the-night-navy-blue-sequin-shift-dress/539122.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=539122&utm_campaign=PLA_dresses&pla=1&promo=HOCO15&s_kwcid=AL%217824%213%2172973161683%21%21%21g%21408354755703%21&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6f_-47WT3gIVgrjACh0wxgk3EAQYASABEgIbWPD_BwE
    It’s pretty short and I have NEVER worn a dress this short. Holy crap, I’m 54 and I work out a lot and have lost 40 lbs and have good legs, but I have no idea if I could do that. I’m thinking leggings, but my girlfriends think I’m nuts.

    • Anonymous

      Gorgeous dress! I guess it depends on the occasion … but it’s perfect for casual but fun … maybe the leggings make it lean more casual than flirty.

    • pugsnbourbon

      One of the user photos shows the dress with dark tights, which I think is a great look. Overall I like the dress and would buy this myself if I could think of places to wear it besides a NYE party.

    • Anon

      No leggings! Wear sheer dark hose if it makes you feel less conspicuous. I’ve also seen opaque tights with a dress like this (I think Rachel Zoe styles Molly Sims this way on her show ages ago) and can look cool. But no leggings! You can do this.

      • NOLA

        I have some sparkly tights from last winter that might work. Or opaque tights. I can’t even sit in a dress like this. A good friend who is my age said as long as I’m wearing underwear, I’m good. My friend and I are going to a concert on Halloween so we thought it might be fun.

    • Anon

      It’s a pretty dress. Just add tights. It’s not about what shape you’re in but about comfort. I don’t feel comfortable in something too short. I just don’t want to be worried about flashing or remembering to squat instead of bending. FWIW I’m petite and buy from Lulus somewhat frequently as their sizing runs smaller/shorter and actually really love all of my pieces from there. I have two blouses that are going on 10 years, still in pristine condition. Of course it depends of brand but their stock is quite decent. Everything is synthetic though.

      • NOLA

        Thanks! Good to know. As you said, I am just not used to wearing a dress that short. I think I would be really self conscious. Another friend said she had a similar dress, but she’s much shorter than I am. I don’t go out much, so it’s harder to know what I’d wear it to. My friend who encouraged me to buy it was thinking we might wear dresses on Halloween to a concert. We’ll see…

  26. Leah

    Looking for advice regarding permanent hair removal. I have stubborn, fast-growing, pervasive dark hair and very fair skin. My endocrinologist suggested that I consider electrolysis over laser, since people with thyroid issues tend to “resist” laser treatment. It’s been really hard to find a place that does electrolysis anymore, which confuses me since it’s supposed to definitely be permanent, while lasered hair can grow back. Experiences with this?

    • Anonymous

      Try calling the larger or more established laser hair removal shops. They tend to have more experienced staff (who might be able to better address your situation), and I also tend to see electrolysis on their service menus. I think it’s still a standard procedure for certain body areas (eyebrows, maybe?), and people with hair and skin tones that don’t respond well to laser (redheads, those with hair similar in color to their skin tone). Typically light skin/dark hair is the best combo for laser hair removal, and laser is nearly permanent and much faster/cheaper/less painful than electrolysis. Good luck!

  27. Funeral Outfit Needed

    I have an unexpected funeral of a coworker to attend this weekend. We’re in the south, so I’m assuming that a black dress is the way to go here, but my only black dress that fits is a sleeveless vneck sheath dress that feels too sexy for a funeral. Should I wear that or go shopping for another option (thinking the 3/4 sleeve Ponte dress at Old Navy) or should I wear pants…?

    • Anonymous

      If it’s a religious “celebration of life” type ceremony, a lot of people in the south will actually wear Sunday best type clothing, maybe just a little on the dark/muted/subdued side, but in my experience still with florals, etc.

      I think of the black mourning attire as more northern and more Catholic.

    • LaurenB

      I think sleeveless is fine (assuming it’s not plunging neckline or spaghetti straps and is otherwise modest). Just throw a cardigan over it and be done.

      • Velma

        +1 Go with somber and no-frills, but you do not need to wear black. I would choose something more covered over black-but-sexy. Consider a dress in navy, charcoal, or brown–or a suit with trousers (or even a dark blouse and trousers) would be fine.

  28. Bologna-bound

    I’m taking a trip to Bologna, Italy in early April. Any suggestions? Planned day trips include Milan, Modena, and Florence.

    • NOLA

      Florence is an easy day trip from Bologna. About an hour on the fast train. We also did a day trip to Ravenna. All of the churches there have mosaics from a time when they were more connected to the Eastern church. It’s a beautiful little town. In Bologna, climb the tower, just walk around the city, and eat all of the stuffed pasta (it’s where tortellini was invented). There is a household goods market on Fridays that is fun. Even outdoor shoe stalls! We stayed in Bologna because we rented an apartment from my undergrad school. It turned out to be a great home base for the week. This was our favorite restaurant there: https://www.trattorialeonida.com/ Eat the cheese torta! If I were going to do it again, I’d go to more of the food towns in the Emilia Romagna region, like Parma and Modena. Have fun!

  29. Bologna-bound

    I’m planning a ten-day trip to Bologna, Italy in early April. Possible day trips include Florence, Milan, and Modena. Any suggestions?

  30. poshmark poser

    hello Hive! questions about selling clothes and shoes on Poshmark (I did search the archives)…. Any pro tips? how does it compare to eBay? I just started and I find the barrage of updates annoying. do you get a lot of lookie loos trying to bargain you down? I am a busy STEM grad student (ex-lawyer, which is why I want to sell my fancy stuff) and a bit of an introvert, so the Posh-verse seems a little intense. (My eBay storefront is pretty sedate by comparison).

    • Anon

      In my experience, you don’t have to participate in the parties and read all the updates. I just scan active offers. I reshare my listings maybe once every two months (which is also when I can see if there’s been a comment). Maybe this is way too low maintenance but my stuff does sell eventually when the price is low enough.

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