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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Checked V-Neck Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This sheath dress from Theory is an exclusive at Bloomingdale's, and I love the very simple shape combined with the bold pattern, as well as the V-neck neckline. And, hooray, it has a concealed back zip. The dress is $355 and available in sizes P–L. Checked V-Neck Sheath Dress Brooks Brothers has a more affordable option that's $178; this $47 dress is also similar-ish. For plus sizes, this sheath dress at Macy's has a windowpane plaid and a subtle polka dot for $59.50/$99.50. (It looks short, but note that the model is 5'10”.) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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314 Comments

  1. I posted this once late in the day a week or two ago so I thought I’d try again: can anyone recommend a book or other resources to help me support my husband through the loss of a parent? Thanks in advance.

      1. Don’t be surprised if those are super hard to find though. I live in a large urban area, but I didn’t find one until I’d been actively looking for a month. (And even then, I only eventually found one through a private therapist.) The best bets are hospice programs, hospitals, and (to a limited extent) churches, in my experience.

    2. My favorite book on death and mourning is The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, but it certainly does address the loss of a parental relationship. It really touched me, though, in the sense that the world does not stop while people mourn and that sometimes all we can do is our best to put one foot in front of the other and allow time to pass.

    3. a few months ago, the podcast what should I read next -blog is modern mrs. darcy had on a guest that handled grief. it is episode #137, June 19. the guest had several books that she mentioned to handle grief.

    4. The funeral home might have helpful resources. When my friend lost her husband, they referred her to a few grief therapists and support groups.

    6. the Grief Recovery Handbook by Rose. It may be out of print, but can be found online used. It helped me tremendously after my first husband died, and it is helpful for all types of grief.

  2. Tips for prepping my sensitive skin face for a day of wearing face paint? I’m dressing up for office Halloween and am going to be wearing full face/neck paint for my costume from morning until late evening. I bought Snazaroo paint, which I think is supposed to be pretty hypoallergenic. Should I also be putting some thick moisturizer as a base layer? Any other general face paint tips? (This is my first time wearing it!)

    1. I’m not sure I would pick a full face/neck paint costume if I had sensitive skin and this was the first time I was trying it! Maybe test it on your arm or something first before committing?

    2. trial it this weekend for a couple hours. You don’t want to have a bad reaction. Even just do a large section as a test.

    3. If you know you have sensitive skin, I’d probably avoid wearing face paint for an entire day. Can your costume work without it?

      1. This. I have sensitive skin and I would never wear face paint all day. There are just some things us sensitive skinned people can’t do.

    4. I have zero face paint tips and avoid it because of my own sensitive skin. For a thick moisturizer that is affordable and great under makeup, I recommend L’Oreal Collagen Day/Night cream.

    5. I don’t have anything to support this other than this was what my mom did for us as kids in the ’90s – she put vaseline on our faces first and then the face paint over it. (This helps the paint come off easier.)

    6. Cease using all actives (AHAs, retinols, etc) in advance, and have some soothing sheet masks on hand for immediately after.

    7. my mom used to use cocoa powder and water as a brown face paint. I don’t really have sensitive skin, but I would imagine this would be less harsh than commercial paints. Can you get away with just an outline or do you need full colour?

    8. I don’t think face paint is meant to be worn for that long. It looks good for like an hour or two, then it starts to crack or smear or both. Will you be able to reapply? Even if that means taking it off and starting over again?

      1. This is a really good point. It sounds so uncomfortable to wear full coverage face paint for that long, and I don’t even have sensitive skin. Plus I think it would start to look like crap. OP, can you do some kind of lower coverage look using makeup? I’m thinking of the makeup artists I’ve seen on Instagram who do mermaid looks with eye shadow, like, around the edges of the face, not the whole face. Is there an alternative for whatever look you’re going for?

    9. Thanks for the advice! Looks like I might have to rethink this…I was going to do a full cat face that would blend in with the rest of my body. I have tights for my arms/legs, so maybe I’ll just leave it at that and just draw on a nose or something…and heavy cat-like eye makeup.

      1. Whiskers and if you want a black or pink nose are all I’ve done in the past for cat-face. No one has ever guessed my costume wrongly.

      2. Just a thought – but what color was the cat makeup going to be? Orange is probably fine but you probably don’t want to cover your face in black/brown if that’s not naturally your skin color….

        1. Haha! I thought of that right after I posted :) I don’t want to out myself, but it’s a super bright / not normal skin color, so I’m good.

          1. If it’s a Cheshire cat type thing, I would use lots colorful eye makeup and a ton of rainbow highlighter and call it a day.

    10. Can you use actual makeup that is made for or safe for sensitive skin? Face paint was not really meant to be worn all day, but actual makeup is. Can you use intense pigments (ex. if your face needs to be red you can use a crème blush to get the same effect)?

    11. I’d also consider how you’ll remove the makeup at work if it does turn out to bother your skin. Bring makeup removing wipes or cleanser/towel you can use in the bathroom, I guess? And if that happens, will you be upset to be completely bare faced at work if you do have to remove? I second the suggestions to find a mini version of this costume that won’t be such an undertaking for work — ex. cat whiskers and nose with simple black eyeliner instead of full face makeup.

    12. You dress up with full face paint at your office? That’s cool. No one dresses up at all at my office. I think it would be fun, although face paint might be a bit too much for me.

      I +1 the recommendations to do eye makeup instead of face paint. I also have sensitive skin and can’t imagine it working out for me.

    13. Snazaroo is the best. I’ve personally worn it for a pretty long time without negative effects. I think 5-6 hours was the longest. It’s the brand a lot of cosplayers use and it’s a lot different from the face paint I wore on Halloween as a kid. You shouldn’t have to worry about cracking or peeling- it’s almost soft once you put it on and should stay put throughout the day as long as you don’t splash water on your face or something. I don’t have sensitive skin so I can’t speak to that, but I’d treat your skin gently before and after. Go heavier on the moisturizer, lighter on the makeup for a few days, then do a mask or something after taking the paint off. Be careful not to scrub or use an abrasive cloth, it should come off with just a makeup wipe.
      If you’re really concerned, try to find some cosplay boards on reddit or something and see if there are more tips there. Happy Halloween!

  3. I love this other than the dropped shoulders! Unflattering on me and not as crisp/formal as a “real” shoulder.

    Unrelated but is anyone else holding out on JCrew’s sale section until they cave and allow the sitewide discount promos to apply to the sale merch? I’ve had 10 sale items sitting in my shopping bag for nearly a week. The fact that NONE of them have sold out yet tells me others are reluctant to pay an un-further-discounted sale price, too.

    1. I like this, including the shoulders, and $355 is not all that expensive for a sheathe dress on Pricey Monday’s!

      I must tell the HIVE about Stuart Weitzman’s shoes. I just bought a pair on 5th Avenue (around 53rd Street), and they are SOOOOO comfortable that they are worth the extra $100! I recommend them to the HIVE. YAY!!!!

  4. So I bought a couple of really gorgeous coats that were also fairly expensive. (Reiss, Ted Baker). How do I make sure they stay new looking as long as possible? I get the impression that I’m normally kind of hard on clothes. I spill things, wear out the elbows in my blazers, etc. any advice?

    1. Honestly there are only really a few things you an do save not actually wearing them:

      1) Follow the tag care instructions perfectly
      2) Rotate their wear with other items to not wear them out as quickly
      3) Immediately rinse any stains with cold water/tide pen as the fabric allows
      4) Be more careful when eating/drinking, use napkins
      5) Shave pillings as they appear

      Other than that, some wear and tear is expected on clothes, that’s what they are there for, to shield your privates, protect your skin, and keep you warm. Really enjoy them as they are worn for serving their purpose while making you look and feel good.

      1. Numbers 3 and 4 on your list are really the things that have increased the longevity of my clothing. It’s taken a lot of conscious effort, but it’s totally worth it to not ruin expensive clothes and to just overall appear more put together.

  5. Gift help please.

    I’m looking for a birthday gift for my mother-in-law and know what I want but can’t seem to find it. She does a bunch of exercise classes and often comments on the workout shirts of classmates that have funny or witty sayings or pretty patterns. I’d like to get her a few new workout shirts that fit that category, but can’t seem to find any that aren’t plain, or just have brand logos or sayings. I’ve seen people wearing funny or pretty workout shirts too, so where did they all go? I’ll buy anything from Old Navy through Target up to Nordstrom’s in terms of price point/store.

    Thanks!

    2. Honestly the shirts are cute but not great quality, but you’re working out in them so who cares. If you see a cute comment or picture, get thee to amazon and search, and there will be a small brand or Chinese knockoff selling it there.

      1. Yep I’ve often seen somewhere wearing a shirt with a funny saying and then searched for the term on Amazon and found it that way. You can also go to fitness studios – think barre or cycle boutique places – to shop in their retail section.

    7. Etsy
      Look Human
      Spiritual Gangster
      Belle & Bell
      Wags and Weights (super cute if you’re a dog person)
      Doughnuts and Deadlifts

    12. Amazon has tons of funny t-shirts for all occasions. The site isn’t great for searching, but I’ve found some hilarious ones there. I just searched “funny exercise tshirts women” and come up with dozens.

  6. I just finished the book. It is so heartbreaking.

    And it also has me stabby. I come from a long line of alcoholics (not my parents, but their parents, uncles, etc.). No one kids themselves that drinking to excess is bad (it’s just what people do; many becomes friends of Bill W. but certainly not even half). BUT what kills me about the opioid epidemic is that it seems that so many people got into it via a prescription for an FDA-approved drug from a doctor (who ostensibly took a first-do-no-harm oath) dispensed by a pharmacy. And my people are sheep — if a doctor says to do something , they will do it b/c who are they to question a doctor?

    AND then at the end of the book, it notes that black people were not trusted with opioids — they might sell or divert them. So the recent pill-originating opioid epidemic (from opioid pills that were so safe as to have zero addiction risk) largely bypassed them.

    I feel like the hornet before it stings you this morning.

    1. Funny – one of the only time in history that racist beliefs benefitted a historically oppressed group. But tbh, poor inner city neighborhoods blighted with other drug use really didn’t need another drug epidemic.

      1. No doubt. But it was interesting that that this being a white problem happened that way b/c of racism.

        Ugh.

        Never going into the Sackler Wing again . . .

    2. Friend of friends of Bill W here.

      I got a little stabby when our church started offering gluten-free wafers as an option at communion but only offers wine. WTF.

      I’m all about helping those with celiac disease, but it’s like they don’t get how pervasive alcoholism is.

      But like Dopesick says in one part, alcohol will kill you, but maybe in your 60s. Opioids will do it in your 20s.

      1. Wow every church I’ve been to has offered juice. That’s so unusual to me. Sorry!

        1. Agreed. My current church offers juice in the main line and wine as an option with the gluten free.

      2. I’m a celiac who happens to have an Episcopal priest as a FIL. As a matter of doctrine, he is of the opinion that communion is complete by partaking of either the bread or the wine. It’s not necessary to take both.

        I don’t care very much about the doctrinal fine points (!!) and hardly ever take communion, but when I do, I usually pass on the GF wafers, because I can’t be entirely sure how they’ve been handled. I wish churches would just skip the complexity of the whole thing–it’s a lot of fuss.

        I do see many people pass on the wine–maybe because of the communal cup, as much as its contents …

        1. You wish churches would just skip communion because it’s mildly inconvenient? It’s the foundation of Christianity!

          1. No, I wish churches wouldn’t bother with GF wafers, since at least some believe that one element is sufficient. Sorry to be unclear.

      3. I have relatives (Catholic, conservative leaning) who believe that transubstantion (transforming of the bread/wine into body/blood) removes the effects of alcohol (I’ve heard mixed things on the gluten).

        My mother, who has served as sacristan (set-up/clean-up for Mass) and often consumes the leftover blessed wine (which you’re supposed to do so you aren’t sending consecrated wine down the drain) can confirm that Nope, there’s still alcohol.

        Religion can be weird.

        1. The Vatican has pronounced against wheat-free host, and I believe you also can’t use wine that hasn’t touched the wheat-free host during its consecration (and, again, there’s a lot of trust going on as to the handling). I still consider myself Catholic, but I will never partake of communion again.

          1. Sorry, too many negatives. I believe they have to use wine that has touched the host which, in turn, must contain wheat.

            Given how the church has historically treated communities who don’t participate in grain agriculture or viticulture, I find their obstinacy deeply troubling.

          2. Yes. There’s been discussion in the Catholic church about what to do with priests who are ordained and then found out that they have celiac disease and can no longer take the host–and whether celiacs are unfit to be ordained. Not sure what the recent decisions have been on that.

    3. Yeah and then on the other end trying to get morphine by Rx for my dying mother was a nightmare.

      1. IIRC, this is what opioids were generally used before OxyContin came out. After, it was why ever bother with lesser drugs for non-terminal pain? BAD IDEA

    4. If alcohol addiction were seen as more serious, they would have done a better job screening patients for risk of addiction. Many patients remain completely fine with opioids. Prescribing needs to be more individualized.

    5. Have you read Dreamland yet? It spends a lot of time tracking pharma/the medical establishment’s role in sparking the opioid crisis. Certainly not less rage-inducing, but if you need any more fuel for the fire…

  7. Bought the Tahari dress from last week with the star neckline – it is gorgeous in person and the color is exquisite. Thanks for the recommendation!

    1. Real art, limited edition prints, copies of famous artwork, or random photos for walls? Each of those categories has a different answer in my case.

    2. Skyline Art Editions for affordable prints, and I looked on Minted and Anthropologie for artists I like, then I go to the artist’s website and buy originals from them. I have a really nice painting by Kelly Johnston that I found that way, and several LARGE prints by Starla Michelle Halfman I got from Skyline since her originals are $$$$.

  9. How do you dress when it’s freezing outside but your office and your train are a furnace? I don’t want to take off four layers every time I go inside but I really need to. What winter secret am I missing?

    2. A super warm, long down coat, so you only need to remove 1 main layer and it isn’t very heavy to carry.

      1. +1 This is what I do in the winter because I run hot and don’t need to dress super warm in the office.

      2. +1 from Canada. Vehicles + buildings are hot, outside is freezing cold, this is what everyone does around here. I came from Europe 10 years ago and ditched all my wool sweaters the first winter. T-shirts + down is the Canadian way…

      3. +1. I’m ok in a regular button-down underneath a good puffy down coat most of the time (live in a place where the worst of winter is typically 30 degree highs other than a week of 20’s).

    3. It’s not you it’s the spaces they don’t know how to heat and cool appropriately. Unfortunately layers are the only way to go, although you can go down to two layers with the proper coat. Is your coat warm enough and long enough for your weather? You should be able to do appropriate coat + your thinner office wear and maybe a scarf or something.

    4. I keep a back up outfit at the office for the days when the outdoor / office temp gap is large. Other than that, layers.

    5. I can’t remember who said it, but I know I read it here: There’s not a lifehack for everything.

  10. Has an MLM ever ruined one of your friendships? My BFF is really big into one right now. She has been for over a year and she’s actually doing really well in terms of the side income she makes from it. One of the reasons she does well is because she has a pushy type of personality. She also owns her own unrelated business and uses that customer base as a base for her MLM business. She’s into one of the essential oil MLMs. Almost all of her FB posts are about this. It’s hard to hang out with her without talking about essential oils. One of the reasons that she’s so into it is because she swears that it has changed her life. She had some chronic health issues cleared up and she attributed that to the oils (this MLM also does supplements too). I have migraines that are hormone related but that are also aggravated by scents. I’ve tried to tell her this and she always pushes back that 1) I need to take these supplements with the essential oils in them and 2) my migraines that I get from strong smells are really coming from smells that have unnatural chemicals in them. Essential oils are all natural so therefore I won’t get a migraine from it. However, every time I hang out with her I come home with a migraine because she’s covered in the oils! She’s also trying to get me to host an “educational event” for her. I’m so not interested in this at all and wish I could hang out with her without talking about this.

    1. Have you said that? “Hey Karen, I feel like you’re not hearing me on this. I’m so glad that you are loving your business and doing well at it. essential oils are not for me, and Id like it if you could stop suggesting I use them. I am never going to, and I miss talking about other things.”

    2. Be honest with her. Tell her that you are happy that she’s found success for her health and business, but you aren’t interested and you don’t want to host a party or buy anything. You can also unfollow her on social media and still be friends irl. I do this with my MLM friends. Sure, you might miss some pictures of her babies/fur babies, but you’ll definitely be less annoyed by her.

    3. In addition to being straightforward with her about the MLM stuff, I’d also address the know it all-ness that seems to be bothering you. “Friend, I know you’re trying to be helpful, but please do not argue with me about my migraines.” Of course that goes both ways – if she thinks the oils/supplements solved her health issues then you can’t tell her otherwise. I don’t think you can ask her to stop wearing strong scents around you. You could suggest that you only do things outside/in open spaces so the scents don’t affect you so much.

    4. I dont have any advice about your friendship- but I have really enjoyed the podcast about MLM’s called The Dream

    5. No advice, but yes, this has definitely ended friendships for me. Usually I find it coincides with the birth of a first child and so between the incessant talk about the kid and the incessant talk about the MLM stuff, it just isn’t worth the effort anymore. I am hoping some of these folks come back to the real world when their kids are five and in school full time so they can get away from all the other moms who are into this stuff.

    6. She can’t hear you because MLMs are a belief system. Look up how to stay supportive of people who are in cults. Hopefully this period of her life will pass.

    7. Yes and nothing is going to change until she is out of the MLM. This is particularly hard if she is doing well.

      The antiMLM subreddit is fantastic for commiserating about this and suggestions on handling, but most will say the same. The mentality is that you are a hater/blind to the benefits, but that you will come around. So even if you are clear that you are not interested, the mentality is that you eventually will be and she’ll be ready for you then.

  11. I have a $100 Amazon gift card and need some cheap replacement wedge pumps for work (faux suede) in black and tan/nude color. I ordered some that had great reviews, but the toe box was SUPER wide.

    I am also in the market for chunky sweaters or jackets. I’m super frugal and normally buy the ones at Target. I am super rough on my shoes as well (not sure why, but think it has to do with my commute and how much I wear them) and not in a position to invest in a long-term pair just yet.

    2. For black wedges, try Aerosoles Inner Circle. They come in widths and I got the wide because I have a wide forefoot. They are just barely wide enough for me, so the regular width has to be a bit narrow.

  12. Im stuck! I have the opportunity for a new job that would give me interesting experience and 15k more in salary but I’m planning on grad school next year. It’s not exactly my desired field but would look great on a resume as its a world class company and would give me more knowledge of the working world since I have been in same place for 6 years. Obviously if I take the job, I would delay school for a year but maybe a year and 10 months wouldnt be that helpful experience wise or generate bad feelings when I leave so soon. I’m already 29 so I feel like I am pushing school age as is but its a good opportunity and the extra money would help with schools ??? I don’t know!

    1. Take the job. Apply to grad school. Make this decision once you get accepted into grad school. You may not get into your top school; your circumstances may change such that grad school no longer makes sense; you may find that you love this job and you no longer want to go to grad school.

      There are too many variables but the job with a great company and good experience on your resume will be worth it, even if only for 10 months.

    2. Do you actually want this job or are you just thinking you should take it for something on your resume?

      If you were 22, I would say absolutely take the job and get some work experience before grad school… but you already have work experience. You seem set on going to grad school regardless, and it seems like you wouldn’t be that invested in this job if you took it for a year knowing you are going to leave. The only reason why you should take the job instead of going to grad school is if its either a company you’d want to return to after grad school or if it would give you some skills that you don’t already have. It seems like neither is the case, so I would say just go to grad school.

    3. I think this depends on what you’re doing now, what you would like to do, what field your grad school would be in, and what career prospects you would have leaving grad school.

    4. Take the job. You can go to Grad School too, but take the job NOW b/c if you meet the right people there, you may forget all about grad school. Also, never pass up an opportunity to find a decent guy. I did and I am now without a guy. You can also go to grad school part time after you start working. But at 29, you need to get out in the working world in this new job while you are still youngish and fresh-ish. You do NOT want to be out there in this field at age 36 for the first time, when there will be alot of younger and fresher women to compete with. Good luck as you navigate between the worlds of business, academia and love! YAY!!!

  13. I’m seeing a specialist for a relatively serious, longterm illness and I’m very frustrated with my doctor. My treatment is going well, but it’s had some hiccups, including a major adverse reaction to my medicine. My doctor is impossible to get a hold of. He doesn’t respond to messages in the patient portal. When I call his office and leave a message with the nurse, he responds via a message in the patient portal, even if I specifically request a phone call so I can talk to him in real-time with back and forth. The nurses in the practice are all really cranky – one of them referred to me as high maintenance for asking that the doctor give me a call and questioned why I was even calling the practice when I was having something that’s expressly listed as a serious adverse reaction on the medication label. Is it worth trying to switch to a different doctor in this practice? I’m 95% sure the nurses would be the same, and based on their attitude it doesn’t seem that any of the doctors are happy to discuss things on the phone with patients. Or do you think I should I try to switch to a different practice? And if so, how do I go about doing that – do I need another referral from my PCP? My disease is probably going to require surgery down the line, and I definitely want to see another doctor before I do anything permanent like that with this doctor.

    1. Yes, absolutely switch to a different practice. If this is a longterm illness, it is worth the hassle, and if you are planning to switch eventually, why drag it out? It sounds like the nurses/office staff is part of the problem, so I would not stay with the practice. Whether or not you need a referral depends on your insurance, but it wouldn’t hurt to get one if your PCP is easy enough to deal with. Just explain the situation from them and see if they can do it over the phone. You can eventually get your records transferred.

      1. Agreed. You should NOT be basheful when it comes to your health. There are plenty of doctors out there who are not a-holes, and do not have a-hole nurses workeing for them. Switch. There is really no excuse for this type of behavior. They need better bedside manners, Dad says. FOOEY on them!

      2. +1 to everything. Whether you need a new referral depends on your insurance. If your insurance doesn’t require it, just find another specialist that is in-network for your insurance plan, make an appointment, and ask the new office how they handle getting records from previous docs. Some like to initiate the request themselves and others prefer that you get the ball rolling w your current doc. Either way should not be awkward or difficult. No explanation is necessary if you need to call your current doc–just say you’re switching and need to have your records transferred.

    3. Switch practices. You already know you’re going to have to seek out another doctor before surgery because you don’t trust this one. You might as well do that legwork now while you aren’t as ill or as close to something as stressful as surgery.

  14. I’m considering moving back to BigLaw from a 9-5 type gig because I truly miss the litigation work (it’s a very niche field, so there aren’t many alternatives to BigLaw, and the alternative I found and am working in now is boring). The firm I used to work for has asked me back. My hesitation, of course, is the hours, which is why I left in the first place.

    Am planning to have kids in about 2 years. DH travels 3-4 days a week for work but loves his job and will prob be there for the long term. The firm I would go back to is very flexible in terms of work from home and not requiring you to be in the office, as long as you get your work done (caveat that you’re always on call). I’ve found the corporate moms week in the life series helpful for this, but wanted to ask if any of you and your spouse both work in long-hour type jobs, have kids, and somehow make it work? I know we would need lots of help (cleaning service, prob nanny, etc), but I’m struggling with whether it’s worth it to go back to a job I love in substance (with oftentimes crazy hours, not always being able to put kids to bed every night) or stay in a fairly boring job for several years to have the benefit of regular 9-5 hours. Any advice would be much appreciated!

    1. Honestly, I would pass. I love a lot of things, but my sanity is precious and no one needs me to lose mine. I work, husband works, our commutes are short, but throw in lice, a stomach bug, or the flu and you are home with a sick kid and not actually working much from home (working from home is that I do at night once the kids are in bed).

      Boring FTW.

      1. I agree. The non-boring big law litigation job sounds like a nightmre to me, a mom of one toddler.

    2. i would encourage you to post this on the mom’s site as well. this is such a personal choice with no right answer because different things work for different people. for me the unpredictability of the big law schedule was too anxiety provoking that it didn’t matter how much i liked the work, but you clearly seem to really like it! there are families where both parents have big jobs with long hours and travel and they make it work by outsourcing a lot or having family help. i was actually just discussing this with a friend and in some ways, if you have flexibility of working from home and are earning enough money to outsource a lot of things, then most of the time you spend not working can be spent with your kids instead of doing household chores, like laundry and cleaning, etc. I know of families where both parents are BigLaw partners and they make it work with lots of help and they do actually see their kids and eat dinner with them most nights (which has been cooked by the nanny) and are able to duck out to the school play, etc.

    3. Honestly, the only people I know who make this work have 2 nannies (because you could easily need more than 60 hours of childcare a week and you don’t want 1 nanny doing that many hours), a nanny /au pair combo, or nanny with significant parent help nearby to provide enough childcare, especially while kids are little.

      1. This.

        You will need an au pair and a nanny. If DH is gone 3-4 nights a week, you will likely need the aupair to cover at least one of the those nights so you can sleep a bit.

        Litigation is one thing. Litigation when you’ve only slept 5 non-consecutive hours, each of the last 3 nights because both you and baby are sick (which happens as often as monthly), is a whole other ball game.

        Do not underestimate how challenging it is to have a partner who travels 3-4 days a week, even if you have a 9-5 job.

        You can do it but it’s not something I would attempt unless I was planning to have only one child and even then you will need nanny + aupair or nanny + living in family member (grandmas?) to make it work.

    4. Personally, I wouldn’t do it unless you are relatively confident that you could find the equivalent of the boring-but-reasonable-hours job again in the future.

      To make it work, you’ll need a lot of childcare. Maybe daycare plus part-time nanny? And definitely cleaning service. If you have enough money to throw at the problem, that part can work out, although it will still involve a fair amount of ongoing mental labor to manage – both nannies and kids get sick, etc. But I think there’s a significant chance that you will not be happy with that setup, because you’ll want to see your kids more than that, and you’ll be frustrated that you’re spending so much energy managing everyone’s schedule, rather than just spending that time hanging out with your kids.

      Never say never, some people absolutely thrive with that setup. And they are good moms! But it’s not for me, and I think it’s not for a lot of people (men and women – my husband left that kind of job when our second kid was born, because it wasn’t worth the stress). If you give it a go, I’d want to have a plan for getting back out if/when you decide it’s not working.

    5. I would make the move. If you were already pregnant I might think otherwise, but given the timeline and what you do and don’t know (that you miss the work and that you’re bored vs. when exactly you’re going to get pregnant, etc.) I’d bank on the knowns. But I also love my work, and made a big move to a job with even more demands on my time six months after having my kid, and haven’t regretted it since.

    6. I don’t think it’s worth it. Both parents having that kind of schedule is so hard to manage. You’ll have an enormous amount of logistical work to juggle: a nanny, whoever provides coverage when you have to unexpectedly work late or get called into the office at short notice, cleaning, food delivery… At least one parent having an unchallenging 9-5 is a godsend with little kids.

      I don’t think it’s fair to automatically assume you should be the person who finds their job unfulfilling, so it might be worth discussing whether your husband can eventually transition to something more consistent.

    7. Can you go back “of counsel”/part-time to the firm so that you can set boundaries the help to give you a 8-6 job/more WFH time/fewer demands that conflict with husband’s work schedule? I know that YMMV as to whether you can keep that balance and still advance at your firm, as well as whether such balance is possible in your litigation world… but I have seen people who are specialists/experts/have some sought-after skill be able to make this work, particularly upon return after leaving for a time.
      I know your major concern is post-kids in a few years, but I’d start setting the expectations now — maybe it’s a billable expectation of 90% and 1 WFH day a week — with the plan to adjust as needed when kids are in the picture (e.g., down to 75-80% and 2 WFH days).

    9. I am so conservative that I make Ted Cruz look liberal, but I think you’re asking the wrong question.

      Yes, your husband loves his job, but travelling for half the week when you have infants is unfair to you. Regardless of what decision you make regarding your own career, you need to talk to him about his own job.

      (This is not a criticism of people who travel despite having young kids, but, IMHO, “I love my job” is not, *in itself*, reason to force your spouse to single parent half the time.)

      1. Agreed — this shouldn’t be all on you to figure out. Has your husband ever taken care of a living creature? He likely does not appreciate all that will get dumped on you when you do have kids.

        BUT 2 years is a long time — I might not make it that long in BigLaw and might be looking to lean out after that time.

      2. Agreed. This is a two-person conversation with a two-person solution. Why does he automatically get to be the one in the relationship with a job that is super demanding on the family because he loves it? It sounds like BigLaw is exactly the same thing for you as his job is for him. So conversation without assumptions is needed.

        1. I’m the super-conservative Anon.

          Thing is, the OP’s description of her job makes it sound far more family friendly than her husband’s job. Maybe it’s just far less family-unfriendly, but being away from home more than half the week puts a huge strain on everyone else. The OP’s schedule might be rough at times, and she might be doing work at home every night, but that’s not inherently unworkable with kids.

    10. I’d go back. You’re not going to TTC for two years, which is a long time to stay at a job you don’t like for a family you don’t yet have. Once you have kids, look into reduced hours options. My husband works long hours (although doesn’t travel) and I do litigation on a reduced schedule. It works with help from the grandparents.

      1. This. I got out of BigLaw (after I had kids) and never looked back but it sounds like you really enjoy it and have a relatively good firm. 2 years is a long time, and that’s assuming it doesn’t take longer than expected to have kids. Do the work that you love and that challenges you. One of the benefits of BigLaw is usually a very generous maternity leave policy, and then you can assess where you are in terms of your and your husband’s careers and see what works for you. If your firm is already pretty flexible you may be able to negotiate for reduced hours for a while, or you may decide it’s time to try something else, but I’m a strong believer that you shouldn’t step back because of the kids you are planning to have, wait until they are here and then make a decision.

        1. Thank you all for weighing in! I did love the BigLaw job, but decided to leave bc I’ve always wanted to have time with my children when they are little and was trying to think ahead. The current job is great on paper and has added to my resume, but honestly I’m bored and can’t wait to get out of here every day. If we wanted to TTC very soon, it would be a totally different story and I’d definitely stay. But as some of you noted, 2 years is a long time.

          Re DH, we’ve talked about this many times, and he’s very supportive of me going back to the firm. With his job and mine in BigLaw, we’d have the financial ability to get help, and we also have family nearby. His view is that we’d make it work when it happens, and adjust accordingly (he’s also a go with the flow personality, I’m a planner). My trip-up is whether I’ll have that emotional attachment of wanting to be with my kids all the time, and whether I’d be pining for the boring job once a kid does come along (and unclear how easy it would be to get another boring type job in my very niche field).

          I am trying to figure out if an 80% hours requirement on counsel (not partner) track is an option… if so, I would almost certainly go back. But not sure if they’re willing to give me that option.

          1. If you loved the job and are not TTC for two years, go back! You will have the financial resources to try to make it work in a way you are happy with, and if it’s just not working or you’re completely unhappy with the whole situation you can look for a new job at that point. But the money you can make between now and then, plus not being bored out of your mind for the next two years seems WAY worth it. I also wouldn’t ask about part time now, but you know your audience better than I do. I’d be more likely to look at their history on the matter and use that as a guide, and then ask for what you need when you get there.

            I am a Planner too–so much a planner–but I have learned through various unexpected set backs that it’s not worth trying to plan huge life events and work more than a short time out. So much could change. It may take years to conceive (try for 6-12 mos, then start down the infertility road), the firm may be GREAT about 75-80%, your husband may lose his job (b/c the economy implodes or some other totally off-the-wall reason), etc. So many unknown factors could change between now and then. Go do the job you want for two years, try to/get pregnant, have the baby and enjoy maternity leave, go back to work, reassess as needed.

    11. I would go back to your old firm, but I am strongly against boring.

      My husband does not travel for work but has a managerial (IT) job at a large law firm. I am also a litigator. We have one child with special needs and we have managed for 7 years with no nanny, full-time daycare and my retired mother on sick day backup.

      I have never been home for bedtime every night. I almost never pick him up at the end of the day. We have a cleaning service, I used to have a part-time meal maker/extra cleaner, and I try to do some batch cooking when I have a chance.

      It can work. You just have to want it to. BUT, for me. the benefits of earning capacity and the fact that I love what I do makes every extra scheduling headache worth it. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, your partner has to also want it for you because you have to be a team to make it work.

      1. The point about her partner wanting to make it work as well is so key. It sounds like your DH picks up most days of the week, which wouldn’t be an option for OP unless her DH changed his job where he currently travels 3-4 days a week, she would have to do almost all pick ups.

    12. My husband and I tried and it was a complete nightmare. And I only had one kid. I lasted until my daughter was 15 months old and then went to a mostly 40 hour a week job.

      Something I did not realize until after I had a kid was that I was going to want to spend time with her. All I was thinking about was how I was going to make my career work. I gave no thought to how I was going to make motherhood work. “Childcare” and “Motherhood” are two different things. Yes, you can hire 2 nannies, but you are still going to want to spend time with your child, and there is no getting around that with a limited number of hours in the day.

      I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t go back to big law, but this is the thing that I wish I would have known about ahead of time.

      1. +1

        This is a big thing to me, more now than when I had babies / toddlers.

        When my kids were little, they had primarily physical needs. But they are more complex now and having some struggles (like when one kid had to go to weekly OT — it mattered to me to see how she was progressing and talk to the OT and coordinate with the pediatrician, etc.) and I really feel that I need to be there for them. I might be better if we had local grandparents (or Mary Poppins as a nanny), but we don’t.

        1. This is exactly what is keeping me from going back to BigLaw- I’ve heard this from several friends and family. I’m concerned that it would be hard to get back to a 9-5 job down the road (not impossible, but harder to do with more seniority bc fewer positions available), once we actually do have a baby and I never want to leave him/him for more than 40hrs a week…

          That said, it is 2 years away, the firm has much more flexibility than my very rigid 9-5 hours. And the maternity leave at the firm is just sooo much better than the 9-5 job.

          I truly appreciate everyone’s advice here!

    13. Have you looked into small firms in your area doing the sort of work you want to do? That would likely give you better hours and still let you know do the work you want to so. I am with you that I would miss litigation if I left a firm, and I am also with you there are few options for people in niche litigation areas (I say IP, but I am in a niche area of IP). It took some digging, and reaching out to firms with no job openings cold. But I made this move and love it. I left biglaw mostly due to the environment/way I was treated, but working less hours in a huge bonus. Other unexpected bonuses-the attorneys I work with to be smarter/better lawyers, and it is easier to bring in business due to lower rates/flexible fee structures.

    14. If you already had kids or were actively trying, I’d say stay where you are, but you’re “planning to have kids in two years” – H and I were “planning to have kids in two years” for, like, five years at one point, because life stuff kept popping up and we weren’t ready when we initially thought we would be (expecting our first now, so, we did eventually get around to it).

      Given your timeline, and the career considerations you’ve outlined, I think you should go back to BigLaw (unless the hours were truly unbearable – it’s not clear to me from your original post exactly how much you hated them). There’s a line in Lean In, “don’t leave before you leave” – I feel like this is a classic case of that. Boring jobs with 9 to 5 hours will always be out there, especially for someone with a BigLaw pedigree. Don’t stay in one you don’t like just because one day several years from now it might make your life easier if you have a child.

      Not to mention, you may end up finding law firm life is actually *better* when you’re pregnant/have a kid, because of the flexibility to work remotely. I bill a pretty high amount of hours overall, but there’s no issue if I have to leave or work from home for an appointment – if I was in, say, a local government gig, I’d have the guarantee of walking out the door at 5pm every day, but absolutely no flexibility to take a 2:30 doctor’s appointment or spend the morning checking out a daycare. You can’t know how all of this is going to shake out two years in advance, so you should pursue the career you want in the meantime.

  15. Hi- I’m looking for recommendations for adventure travel. I used to do Intrepid/Gap Adventures (now G Adventures), and I liked that they were small groups, used local transport and ate local food, and included lots of free time to explore on your own. I’m now in my early 40s, and I feel like that’s not my crowd anymore. Gate 1 was OK, but the big bus tour isn’t my thing, and it is a much older and staid crowd. Given the distance I want to cover, it is more than I want to do free-form, making my own travel arrangements as I go.

    Any suggestions for companies that do adventure travel for the 40ish crowd? I think I read a reference to Flash Pack here- can anyone give me their experience with that company? Any other suggestions?

    Thanks so much!

    1. Not sure this qualifies as adventure travel, but my supervisor (almost 60) and her husband love http://www.wildernesstravel.com. They are pretty affluent and use this company to go on lots of interesting sounding trips. They do a lot of hiking/walking, not sure if it gets more adventurous than that. No 1st hand experience with them, but FWIW.

    2. Check out the alumni group from your university. The group from my run of the mill State U has some fantastic group trips that have a range of ages on them.

    3. Food and wine may not be your primary area of interest, but The Hubs and I liked our trips The International Kitchen very much. Their 12 day Morocco trip was particularly well done, but we also did Tuscany with them (with independent time in Rome on the front end) and have considered doing India with them as well.

    4. Have you considered other types of trips with Intrepid/G Adventures instead of the Adventure named ones? I’ve been on over a dozen trips with them, and all but one trip had a wide range of ages from 20 to 65+. The one trip that didn’t was an adventure themed trip with lots of hiking and rafting, so I wasn’t surprised that everyone was in their 20s or early 30s.

      1. This. You can even call them and ask which trips tend to have more older participants.

    5. I’ve done a trip through REI before for a hiking and rock climbing trip. I had a good experience on the trip. I don’t really know if it’s what you’re looking for socially but it was well organized and a reasonable price I thought.

    6. I did Flashpack, and it was the best thing EVER. I was the youngest at age 35; the eldest was 43, I think. Every day had a combination of active (think scaling a giant rock, kayaking, cycling, snorkeling, boating, hiking a nature preserve), some history/culture (museums, architectural tours, dance lessons), and amazing food. There were a few awesome surprises none of us knew we’d get to do (hello, surprise boat trip to our own private island with a bar for the night?!). I’m still friends with the people from my trip–we even visit each other. It was delightful. They do make all the travel arrangements, though. There is free time built in, but it’s not a freeform way to travel.

      They do a phone interview with everyone who signs up so they can try to rule out a**holes before they let them pay. It really worked to get a group of people who were likeminded in being open to exploring and having fun together, and I think it produced a group trip that was really meaningful for everyone.

  16. Anyone want to help me shop for a dress (or a few dresses) to wear to pre-wedding events like showers, rehearsal dinners, etc? I’m looking for something white/cream, maybe a little lacy and generally “bridal” looking without looking like an actual wedding dress. The wedding is in early spring, so these pre-wedding events will be during the winter for the most part (and I live in the midwest where it is COLD), so longer sleeved wintry dress are probably better than something sundress-y.

    I found one from Lulu’s so far that may fit the bill, but I’m a little surprised I haven’t found more potential options. I’ll post a link to the one I’ve already found below.

    Thanks for your help, everyone!

    2. Look through Nordstrom’s wedding suite. They have a “little white dresses” section that has lots of options, including long- or elbow-sleeved.

    3. I’m searching for something similar for my January rehearsal dinner. Nordstrom has a few options but that’s about all I’ve found. Hopefully more will pop up in the coming weeks. Check out ASOS as well.

  17. I did a round of Accutane in my early twenties and a decade later am going to go on it again. Last time I lived in the south and it was summer, so I just had to make sure my SPF game was on point. Now I live in the upper midwest and it’s winter, so I’m really worried about cracking/peeling. Anyone done it as an adult and have some moisturizing or other recs for me?

    1. Layer your moisturizers: hydrating serum first, then something a little heavier like a cream, then something to lock it all in at night like Dr Jart ceramidin. Sometimes I use a face oil too. I also like that Mario Badescu hydrating rosewater spray as a very first layer.

    2. I did Accutane 2 years ago during the winter in New England. I didn’t have too many issues with dry skin, but I was very vigilant with moisturizer. I swear by Cetaphil Dry Skin Cream (in the tub) and it was the only thing that really worked for me. My derm prescribed me a moisturizing gel that I could use on my lips before bed and on my hands throughout the day if necessary. Def get something similar from your derm. Occasionally I had really dry skin in other spots, like one time my ankles/feet were sooo itchy from the dry skin, and after that I made sure to be better about moisturizing my body, too. On the plus side, my hair was so dried out that it was never oily and I rarely had to wash it. I miss that part! ha.

  18. I have a frame that holds school pics for my son for each year. This year the photographer included more of the shoulder and body so the same size photo shows a smaller size head as compared to the other years’ photos. I think the solution is to shrink and crop the next size up and try and get the head roughly the same size. Increasing the smaller photo is another alternative. To do this, do I need to buy the digital of the photo or could I make a good photocopy of a photo on photo quality paper somewhere?

    1. Just buy the digital, you’ll get better results and it will be easier to manipulate and print.

    2. Can you ask the photographer to crop it to size for you? Give him the older photos as reference. I’d imagine it’s easy for them to do

    3. I just want to put out there an alternative theory, to accept the photo the way it is and how it looks in the frame even with the other photos. Yes, it will look different this year. But maybe it will look like that next year, too? I just want to encourage not to over-think this small detail that most visitors will probably not notice or really care about and might even view as charming – no one has perfect photos, except for models that get paid and airbrushed and then the photos barely look like them. Consider accepting this photo for what it is. Either way, good luck!

  19. Does anyone have any recommendations for a reasonably priced variety pack of face masks for a face mask newbie? I want to start trying some, and I’ve seen a lot of interesting, reasonably priced variety packs on amazon — but it’s a little bit hard to tell if reviews are legit or bots/spam.

    1. Sephora has their own brand face masks that are reasonably priced. But tbh, masks are nice but they’re not going to do a lot for your skin.

      1. I actually really like their blue clay “oxygenating” mask. It smells nice and my skin tends to look clearer the next day.
        The Sephora brand clay and sheet masks are relatively inexpensive, I would pick out a few and make my own variety pack.

    2. Costco has a nice sampling right now of Korean beauty masks, and the price is great – under $20 for about 6, I believe.

      1. I picked these up over the weekend on the theory that it was a small investment for an excuse to sit and veg with TV or a book on the weekend. They were on a prominent display with other holiday stocking type items (EOS assortments, etc.) in the health section of the store.

    3. Innisfree. They are about $1.50/mask and you can pick whichever ones you want.

      I’d personally go with more of a cream mask than a sheet mask (innisfree has those too) because I’m trying to cut down on waste.

    4. Nordstrom Rack recently starting offering a nice variety of mask. Mediheal and Dewytree are only $3 there.

    5. I liked the Celavi variety pack on Amazon. I figure they don’t do a ton, but they’re relaxing and they kept my face from being too flaky while I was traveling.

  20. I’m heading to NYC later this week and trying to figure out what kind of outerwear I’ll need. What are people wearing these days? Would a trench and some warmer layers underneath be okay, or will I want something warmer?

    1. warmer, especially if you will be outside in the morning/evening. wool coats are out, temps are in the 40s.

      1. +1, it is unseasonably cool for October. Either 2 layers + trench or 1 layer + wool coat are good. You may want gloves for the morning/evening.

    2. Temps are varying wildly day to day, so you’ll see a wide range. If you aren’t planning to be outside for hours at a time that is probably fine, but something a little warmer wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

    3. I’ve been wearing a trench over work clothes with a lightweight wool scarf (woven, not knitted) to fill in around the neck. I have a hat & gloves in my bag, but haven’t used them yet. I would not move up to a wool coat yet.

  21. Has anyone worked in the appellate division of a US Attorney’s Office? I would be doing criminal not civil cases. I love appellate work and do it currently but on the civil side.

    1. I clerked in the appellate division in criminal. If you really loved law school you’ll love it. It’s a lot of solitary work doing research and writing, and occasionally working with a coworker to practice appeals court speeches. I personally found the solitary nature of it isolating (you could hear a pin drop) and some of the work very mind numbing and monotonous (someone has to respond to all those pro se requests for appeal from jail cell lawyers). But the people that worked there were so happy and content with the nature of their work, generally a nerdy bunch.

      1. My friend works in the criminal appellate division of our state’s attorney general office and loves it. It’s really just writing appellate briefs. She goes to court and argues the appeals once or twice a month. I do trial work and would find the pace of work two slow-paced, but she is more introverted and likes the research/writing, not meeting with clients a ton, etc. She also has a lot of control over her schedule because she always knows when the briefs are due fairly far in advance, etc.

    2. Thanks for the feedback! I currently do appellate work for a federal agency and my life is all writing briefs and arguing cases a few times a year. And I absolutely love it (and I’m an extrovert, oddly enough). :) So that aspect of the work doesn’t bother me at all, in fact it excites me. Just not sure about doing criminal appeals.

      1. The only thing about criminal appeals is that you tend to see the same issues over and over again. Not a ton of variety.

      2. I was the second commenter above… so something that you may find interesting (or stressful) is that in a lot of these criminal appeals that the government is involved in, you are really establishing law in the jurisdiction you are practicing in. I think that is a lot of what makes the job so fulfilling for my friend.

      3. Without knowing what agency you are at, I would guess that the biggest difference is that you have more pro se defendants and the associated quality of briefs that comes with that.

  22. A doctor referred me to get a psych exam as part of a workup for a rarer chronic illness that I have. Supposedly, I need to try to blunt cortisol spikes with medication, but I don’t know if I buy that. I am known to be an anxious person. I don’t want to do it. I feel that psychiatry is quackery and having that on my medical record will affect my ability to receive care in the future…that the results of the exam will be held over my head and nothing I say will be taken seriously. It also concerns me that the psych drugs have yet again been confirmed to not produce clinically significant results above that of placebo and that murderers pass psych exams with flying colors. I feel that I will be diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, as I am more of a high strung, concerned person…

    1. Why do you think psychiatry, which is a medical specialty, is quackery? Maybe you need to get a second opinion from another doctor if you do not agree with the approach of the first doctor?

      1. He’s one of the few in the country with knowledge of my particular condition, unfortunately. My docs won’t even discuss drugs that perform better in studies than psych drugs because they feel that there isn’t ample evidence that they work, yet caution is thrown to the wind with psych drugs. I have a family history of dementia earlier in life and am very sensitive to all types of supplements and meds…having odd and extreme side effects, etc…

        Still, no one has addressed my concern about having the results of the psych exam on my record. I’m frustrated that docs never correctly recorded when I was taking my other meds and what dose, what my bloodwork was then, etc…but EVERY note about my mental state is carefully recorded and shared with all docs on my “team”. They’re totally incompetent when it comes to my actual medical condition, so they just start focusing on mental health…which isn’t even why I’m there…

        1. If you need the medicine you need the medicine, the only thing having anxiety meds on your medical records could do is make you harder to insure for life insurance and even then only in the case of self-harm/suicide. Also, medicines are prescribed off label all the time, if you haven’t been “diagnosed” with anxiety you’ll be fine. An insurance carrier will inquire about the medicine, you’ll specify it was taken off-label for X condition, you’ll move on. But seriously, if it helps your anxiety on the side…that would be best you sound really stressed out and focused on small unlikely events.

          1. I have to have the eval. He says I don’t HAVE to take the meds, but I have to have the eval. I don’t want that on my record.

          2. Isn’t it already on your record now, since he’s made that as a recommendation to you? I think that ship has sailed, FWIW

    2. Psychiatry is not quackery. I have no idea what your condition is, and you may have valid concerns about this proposed treatment plan. Like other branches of medicine (and science in general), there’s a lot that we don’t know. Not all treatment modalities currently in use are well supported by evidence, and there is a wide swath of stuff that we really don’t know how to treat. Again, that’s the nature of medicine in general.

      But really – is this what you think about everyone else in the world who has a mental illness? If so, that’s pretty horrifying.

    4. Um…your writing alone makes me think you have anxiety – think you just described yourself as high strung and concern…synonyms for anxiousness.

      That aside, your doctor doesn’t think you’re crazy, he thinks you have elevated levels of cortisol that anxiety medication can help with. More than likely your insurance or whatever regulating entity requires a psychiatric evaluation before prescribing to verify that you don’t have other contraindications with the medicine.

      But get a second opinion if it makes you feel better.

      1. If there was data suggesting this was effective, perhaps maybe I’d consider it. As educated, data-driven women, I’m surprised that you seem to be ignoring this fact.

        2. You’re not trying to treat anxiety, you are trying to treat cortisol spikes, right? A benzo is going to drop your cortisol levels. Look it up!

          If you don’t want to have psych meds or a psych Dx on your records, there are OTC alternatives you could look into (start with GABA and cocktails advertised to increase GABA, but also look up tulsi, rhodiola, and phosphatidylserine). The evidence isn’t going to be better for these than for benzos, but if you’d rather have the “supplements” stigma over the “psych meds” stigma, that’s up to you.

        3. Well, we don’t know what “this” is. There are plenty of psych meds that do have a strong evidence base for their usage. There are others where the data is more fuzzy, and and also doctors do prescribe drugs in situations that don’t match the conditions of the original study, in which case there’s really not much data to go on at all. But you are talking as if there are no reliable studies showing efficacy for any psychiatric medication, and that is just incorrect. And because you are making that incorrect assertion, posters are probably disinclined to trust your evaluation of your specific situation as well.

          Look, you clearly don’t trust your doctors. Is there any way for you to get a second opinion? Even if you need to fly to a practice in another city, it seems like it would be worth it.

    6. If your medical condition prevents you from doing other things to control your anxiety such as regular phyiscal activity, sleeping well and participating in counselling, then medication may be approrpiate.

      Discuss with your doctor why they view medication as the most appropriate treatment modality and request that they suggest alternate treatments – such as CBT to address anxiety. CBT can be very effective.

    7. Are you applying to be a spy or something? Who cares if that’s on your medical record? You definitely sound like you need some kind of mental health care . . .

      1. YEP. If you are anxious and worried about having the results of a standard psych eval “on your record,” that is a GREAT indicator that you need one, and you likely need meds.

      3. I care because I saw this doc at a large hospital which owns/has taken over many offices. Every time I see a new physician in the system, they review what is already in there on me. Three years ago, a doc put a note in my record about me having anxiety and not treating it, and ever since no doctor I have seen that has had access to that part of my record has taken me seriously. This has hindered my ability to get care in many ways. Symptoms were blown off, I was treated as if I was exaggerating/lying, I was pulled out of PT too early…all sorts of things. It made a bad situation worse. I don’t want to go further down this road. The doc put that note in there after her office was negligent and I ended up with some nerve injuries which caused another chronic issue. I had called the main office of that doctor group to complain, because she wasn’t even referring me to a specialist to help treat the condition they caused…I was waiting weeks. It was retaliatory and it follows me everywhere.

        1. But it’s not like you’ve decided meds aren’t for you and are doing other things to treat anxiety. What’s the harm in doing some CBT, documenting that you addressed your (perceived) anxiety, and then moving forward. Challenging medical situations can be stressful, don’t ignore mental health issues.

          1. No, I have seen social workers/psychologists. This is why the aforementioned note also bothers me. It was a lie that I wasn’t “treating”. I can’t be forced to take meds that produce no scientific evidence that they work. I am still seeking a new therapist, but they are all booked and I want to see one weekly. This guy wants me to go for the psych exam and not tell them I’m anti med.

          2. Confused that literally all the psychologists in your city are booked. Get on the waitlist for someone. Accept biweekly appointments if needed and move up to weekly if space opens up. Don’t miss out on some help while waiting for optimal help.

            Dr. mentions health record – you say “actually, I’m addressing that via therapy, meds were not necessary.” move on to next issue.

          3. Make a request of the healthcare system to amend or add a note to your health record. Their medical records department should be able to direct you how to do that It’s a little confusing exactly what has transpired here. But, if the diagnosis was anxiety, you could certainly add a note that you have pursued therapy as a treatment.

          4. I don’t really understand what the motivation for your post is here, OP. You’re clearly dead set on doing things your way and you clearly don’t trust your medical team. Why don’t you just go get a second opinion? What answers or solutions are you looking for?

          5. It’s not that they are all “booked”. I mean they aren’t taking new patients/aren’t taking my insurance anymore/can only see me once a month or once every 6 weeks which seems to stir up issues and leave them unresolved for too long. I have other expenses related to my medical condition right now and going out of network isn’t in the budget at the moment. I saw a therapist as recently as June, though. She said she didn’t have the availability for me anymore…she’s not full time at this point.

          6. I am just wondering if there is a way around this or if suddenly having diagnosed mental illnesses is as big of a deal as I suspect. People who speak from experience are of great value here.

      4. And you would have anxiety also if you were experiencing rapid, permanent hair loss and any treatment to delay it has been delayed for 6 months due to testing. Aho…

      5. Unfortunately, having a medical record that includes both a psychiatric diagnosis and a rare condition does pose very real risks. I am in a support group for a rare chronic condition that can occasionally require emergency medical care. Patients who have psychiatric diagnoses on record can be treated in the ER as though they are merely having panic attacks, and ER physicians openly express doubt as to whether they really have the rare condition at all (despite iron clad diagnoses from specialists who are experts on the condition). Mental health history is very heavily stigmatized in healthcare.

      6. OP, are you afraid that someone will think you’re a murderer because “murderers pass psych exams”?

      7. While the comment does sound extreme, there is some reason for not wanting it on your record. I worked at an insane job in my early 20s where I was putting in 12-15 hour days 7 days a week for months and I was miserable. I had a primary care physician diagnose me as depressed. I went on medication for approx. 5 months. I got a different job then and have felt better since… I’m now late 40s and can’t get that off of my record because no physician will do so except the one who initially added it. I have severe sleep apnea that I almost couldn’t get a sleep study for because I had another doctor who saw the “depression” from then and assumed my lack of energy meant I was just depressed. I also know it can make a difference when seeking insurance. And it can make a difference in access to other medicine when folks are weighing side effect risk. Having it on your record does actually matter to some degree.

        1. Why would it be taken off your record in this case? You were treated for situation depression which resolved. It’s pretty common to check medical history or ask questions about medical history before ordering tests.

          2. Because a shit job 20+ years ago shouldn’t have to follow me around for the rest of my life, making others attribute physical ailments to mental ailments and making me pay higher insurance–which is sadly what happened….? If I could go back in time, I would have skipped the doc’s office entirely and just quit the horrid job.

          3. Look, that’s an issue with *your doctor,* not with the fact that you received treatment. It is completely inappropriate for your doctor to have disregarded your current symptoms based on a notation that you had depression 20 years ago. You also need to advocate for yourself, and seek a different doc if the one you have isn’t listening to you.

            You all talk about it as if it’s a criminal record. I’m the poster who said above that I’ve been in in-patient hospitalization for MDD in the past and I really do not feel like it has affected my medical care or ability to obtain insurance like you all are saying. It’s really never come up again. Sometimes I even forget it happened.

        2. I was misdiagnosed with psychiatric illness when I had an entirely different and unrelated condition, and there’s no way to get it off my record. I wish I had more stubbornly resisted this misdiagnosis, because it delayed my real diagnosis, because the unneeded medications only had negative effects for me, and because I have absolutely run into stigma from subsequent healthcare providers.

    8. “It also concerns me that the psych drugs have yet again been confirmed to not produce clinically significant results”

      All of them? All of the “psych drugs.”

      Please provide a link to the study that examined “the psych drugs” and confirmed “yet again” that they do not produce clinically significant results.

      1. It’s the most recent one in the Lancet. You have to be at .5 or above to produce “clinically significant results”. The study is not hard to find…it was publicized everywhere. Oh wait, the drugs that did produce results were the anti-cholinergics. Those are the ones that they are pretty darn sure cause dementia and cause brain changes in as little as three months in low doses.

        1. So don’t do meds? Just have the eval, and treat if needed with non-med methods.

          The fact that you are so opposed to the eval is probably a red flag already. What’s the downside of treating a possible co-morbidity?

        2. I dunno – the abstract talks about the study being limited to anti-psychotics and the diseases indicated seemed to be in the schizophrenic family. And it didn’t say “don’t get tested and don’t have treatment”, it compared the outcomes of those on anti-psychotics meds vs CBT.

          How related are anti-anxiety meds and anti-psychotics? My guess is you’d still need a psych workup to start CBT – I mean you have to understand what you are treating, in order to treat it.

          https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(18)30096-8/fulltext

        3. OP, remember that the bad p-values come from studies measuring the effects of these drugs on psychiatric conditions and their symptoms. If you’re taking a med for “anxiety,” you may well be troubled by the quality of the research on how well the drug treats anxiety.

          But if you are taking the same med for cortisol spikes, the evidence may actually be much stronger.

          You have a lot of different concerns running through this conversation–one of them is about the meds. The other is about the psych eval. Try to think about these differently. “Can psych meds treat cortisol spikes?” is a very different question from “do we have good evidence that psych meds adequately treat psych conditions?”

          I know that doctors often try to get out of treating us by pretending our symptoms are psychogenic and therefore not their problem.

          The reality is often the opposite: 100% physiological medical conditions (or the medications that treat them) can produce psychological symptoms. If you think this is happening to you, what do you want to do about it?

          1. I doubt that psychiatrists delve too much into the science behind these meds, as the efficacy is questionable when you look there and folks still aren’t quite certain about the mechanism of action. I think they just go by what they observe in their patient. I need to know what the meds will be doing to my bloodwork.

          2. You might be surprised; there’s actually a fair amount of research on cortisol reduction specifically, because it’s much easier to measure than reduction in clinical symptoms.

            One recent study: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00213-018-5050-1

            I’ll note that if you do end up exploring medication as a treatment, you can talk to your team about the possibility of monitoring your cortisol levels to see if the treatment is achieving the desired result. There is also some evidence for CBT as a means to reduce cortisol, so hopefully they will be open to that as well.

        5. You do need to be more specific. From what I read as your reference to the level of improvement on the Hamilton scale, I think you are referring to the September 2018 letters & author’s reply about the Cipriani et al (2018) study that examined psychiatric drugs for major depressive disorder (this is far from all psych drugs, so I’m not sure if you’re thinking of a different one)? They also aren’t for anti-anxiety drugs, so it doesn’t apply to your specific circumstances.

          Taken together, those letters certainly illustrate that there is significant uncertainty over how to interpret the clinical significance of the (large) body of evidence showing that anti-depressants are statistically effective, but with small average effect sizes. One very likely possibility is that a given antidepressant will not work for most people, but will work well for a subset of people – the challenge then becomes how best match people with antidepressants. Another possibility is that a given antidepressant will provide a statistically significant but clinically meaningless benefit to almost everyone, in which case they probably shouldn’t be prescribed very often. There are other options and permutations, of course.

          But your reading of this situation suggests to me that you are not actually being as evidence-based about your decision-making as you claim. Certainly, I think that the current situation is good grounds for skepticism about taking antidepressants! But you are talking as if this is 100% settled science, and it’s really not. I absolutely believe that your doctor may be pushing you into treatment plans that don’t have solid evidentiary backing, and you are well within your rights to resist that. But it may make the conversation easier if you are able to acknowledge on your end that it is *possible* that these treatments work, at least for some people. We legitimately don’t know.

          A clinician is likely to engage more productively with a patient who says, “I’ve read the evidence for this intervention, and while I see why doctors are interested in exploring this treatment modality, the evidence does not rise to the level that would make me comfortable accepting the risks of side effects,” than “I’ve read the evidence for this intervention and any right-minded person can see that there is no evidence and you are just attempting to push psychiatric medications on me for no reason.”

          Finally – please, please reconsider your thinking on mental illness overall. You may or may not have one, I have no way of knowing. But plenty of us do, and it’s pretty hurtful to have people tell us that our difficulties are made up. In my case, it’s ADHD, which is now well controlled (the evidence basis for ADHD treatment is pretty dang solid). But I still spend a lot of time in therapy talking about the shame that comes from being told for years that I was just lazy/flighty/careless.

        6. I really hate to say it, and I’m not trying to me mean, but I don’t think the reason you aren’t being taken seriously is because a doctor noted your anxiety.

          Source: have depression, have anxiety, have experienced lots and lots of documented treatment for it (meds, therapy, inpatient hospitalization) and have always been taken seriously.

          1. +1 I mean this kindly, but it seems like it may be helpful for you to reevaluate how you are approaching this entire issue. You seem to have some personally-held beliefs about mental illness that are outdated and wrong. Your doctors also seem to be pretty defensive and dismissive. Why else (other than the anxiety note in your record) may be causing them to act that way? What about how you interact with them could be causing it?

            I have been on antidepressants and off-label bipolar meds (for depression) for 15 years. I have gone to therapy off and on for 15 years. I’ve also gotten scripts for anxiety meds and sleep meds. I have been suicidal twice. Thankfully, I didn’t need inpatient treatment either time… but I toed the line. I do not recall any clear disrespect received from any medical practitioner ever, despite being on guard for it due to the bipolar med that I list with every new doctor. I’ve moved cities and change insurance plans more times than I can count so I’ve seen a LOT of different doctors.

            The only bad effect of my psych treatment have been issues with obtaining life insurance and disability insurance (due to the suicidal thinking). One company flat denied me for life insurance but another (very well-regarded and large) company approved me at a very standard rate. Individual disability insurance wants to exempt the depression as a pre-existing condition. I have a history of cancer so have been very careful about medical insurance and pre-existing conditions. Generally they have an exemption period anyways (so things from 10+ years ago don’t count).

            I think you’re overreacting to the stigma and the fact that he’s calling it a psych eval. He wants you to see a psychologist before prescribing meds to help your cortisol levels. That may technically be a psych eval, but it also sounds like standard due diligence on his part.

          2. +2 I have been on medication for depression for 20 years, in therapy for the majority of those, amd I’ve also been treated for anxiety at times duejng the course of both of those treatments. I’ve had several medical conditions, some requiring surgeries, and I’ve never not been taken seriously by my doctors.

    9. So, and I mean this as kindly as possible, your reaction to your doctor’s referral for a psych eval actually kind of suggests that you could benefit from mental health care. It is incredibly normal to receive care from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. Regardless of what you think of any particular treatment modality, the fact that you’ve seen such a professional is not going undermine your credibility going forward or limit your ability to receive care. Sure, there is still some stigma associated with mental illness. However, your degree of fear and concern about that is out of proportion to the reality, and I think that it might be worth examining where that reaction comes from.

      1. I take a lot of this back given the additional information in replies about what happened with your prior doctor. It sounds like you’ve had some really crappy care experiences, and given that, I understand why this requirement is making you really angry.

      2. Thank you for saying, in a much, much, kinder and more respectful way, what I was saying too bluntly above.

        OP, I really understand the frustration of having physical symptoms attributed to mental illness. As a woman, you have to be such a relentless advocate for yourself. The context you’ve given helps me understand why you’re resistant to it. Don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re experiencing isn’t real, or valid. That said, being your own advocate is exhausting when you are sick. Hugs. I’m sorry my comment above wasn’t more supportive. It came from my own issues with family who refuse to take badly needed psych meds. And my reaction to your initial post– which made me, as someone who will always take the meds you say don’t work, pretty reactive and offended.

      3. Offering anecdata in case it at all puts OP at ease–while also recognizing that the stigma is real: I have past PTSD and depression diagnoses on my record, and have not found it to create any issues in managing my own chronic illness (which has symptoms that frequently get dismissed as “all in your head”). If you have the good fortune of getting connected with good providers (which includes getting rid of any you don’t trust, if you can), it can work out.

    10. Not the OP, but I get what she’s saying.

      I wrote about this before, but I have had some very abusive people tell me, over and over and over, that I need mental health treatment, that I am “psycho” (sorry, dude, I am not the one talking about killing someone’s grandma), that my perception and complaints about being abused are invalid. One abuser, who knew that I received some mental health treatment in elementary school, used that fact to label me as a nutjob among family.

      I wish that mental health care were not viewed the way it is. That said, I struggle to even start receiving (much needed) mental health care because I (justifiably) fear how abusive people would view it.

      I don’t know if this is what is going on with the OP, exactly, but the stigma is real.

    11. Since I’ve commented several times – I just wanted to come back and note that I really do feel for you in this situation. It can absolutely happen that a medical provider wants to chalk everything up to psychiatric causes, and that doing so can lead to poor care. Chronic illness is particularly susceptible to this failing, and that goes double for female patients (and people of color, and other minoritized populations). And this can happen whether or not a patient actually does have a psychiatric comorbidity (ie – just because a patient has major depressive disorder does not mean that she doesn’t ALSO have fibromyalgia/celiac/cancer/whatever). This is one of the ways that women are systematically failed by our current health infrastructures.

      I hope that you can find a second opinion elsewhere, and perhaps see if it’s possible to have them work from a copy of your medical record that doesn’t include the notations about anxiety. Also, if you do end up seeing a psychiatrist, I would try very hard to get a recommendation from someone you trust for a good, non-medication-happy provider. A good psychiatrist should know that not everything is a psychiatric condition, and may in fact be your ally in explaining that to the rest of your medical team. And, even if you do have something psychiatric going on, a good psychiatrist will be up to date on a wide range of treatment modalities, not just medication.

      Good luck. I hope that whatever happens on the psychiatric side of things, that you are able to make progress in getting your chronic illness well controlled. And also that you find a good therapist to work with; regardless of whether you have diagnosable anxiety, it sounds like a very stressful situation, and having a professional to help process that would be helpful.

    12. It sounds like you have 2 problems – 1 is that you dislike and/or distrust your physician, 2 is that you have an ongoing medical condition which could be associated with mood disturbances. Having had issues with glucocorticoids and my cortisol system in general- yes, psychiatric evaluation would be useful if your adrenals are going wacky.

      This sounds like the situation that 2nd opinions were made for.

  23. I’m getting some odd blurry vision episodes here and there. How do I know if this is migraine with aura? Migraine headaches run in my family and I wonder if this is a manifestation of it.

    1. Blurred vision is a symptom of migraine with aura (and I also suffer from migraine with aura with no actual headache manifestations), but you really should get to an ophthalmologist, preferably a neuro-ophthalmologist although that’s a shrinking specialty and hard to find, to rule out other causes. The ophthalmologist may refer you to a neurologist but will be able to do lots of tests to rule out any issues deriving from your eye.

      Don’t go to an optometrist, they’ll just refer you to an ophthalmologist and since it could be tied to migraines and other parts of the body you’ll want an M.D.

    2. Go to your regular ophthalmologist and talk to them about it. They may also do a visual fields test, etc. It helps to rule out other causes even if migraines are a likely culprit.

    3. My migraine auras have a kaleidoscope quality vs. just blurry vision. They also begin at the outer edges of my vision.

  24. I found Yoga Glo through a recommendation from this site. I like it but I’m considering other options for online yoga. Any other favorites?

    I really love going to a real studio but time constraints mean doing it from home for now is better.

    2. Yoga Upload, Fightmaster Yoga, Yoga with Kassandra. All have high quality videos of varying lengths. Their styles are all a little different so which I go with is just dependent on what I’m in the mood for really.

  25. I have a shopping request!
    I need an outfit to attend my mother’s wedding reception in early January. Small church wedding in the midwest with a large party in the church hall. I’m 5’2″, size 6, short legs, good shoulders and arms, brunette with a pixie haircut.
    I will be about 2 1/2 months post-mastectomy and will be at about my final reconstructed size, but likely lumpy in shape and will need to have a full coverage bra underneath. My shape tends towards athletic, but I won’t be able to exercise with intensity between now and then.
    Any ideas for shapes or clothes to wear? I’m open to renting or buying, but don’t expect that I will re-wear this outfit much so I’d like to not spend a ton. I’d like to minimize any gossip about my body from extended relatives/church people that I see every few years.

    1. One of those Ralph Lauren jersey dresses in a jewel tone. They look good on nearly everyone.

    2. Hugs! Sounds like you’re in the midst of A Whole Big Thing.

      How about something covered up on top that shows off your legs?

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ali-jay-everything-is-everything-ruffle-minidress/5071434?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=blue%20violet

      This one says “midwest church wedding” to me: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-velvet-cape-sleeve-dress-regular-petite/5022256?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=black

      So does this one: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gal-meets-glam-collection-elle-brightex-duchess-satin-dress-regular-petite-plus-size/5074450?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=deep%20coffee%2F%20taupe

      Again, showing your legs: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/heartloom-mabel-wrap-dress/5104937?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=navy

      This one is lace on top but I feel like nude bra straps underneath wouldn’t be bad, and the color is so pretty: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-bell-sleeve-lace-dress/5022266?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=green

      Good luck to you, and congratulations to your mom!

    4. No specific recommendations but had a reduction last year and felt most comfortable in flowy tops and pants for a good while. I’d go with a loose fitting blouse over cigarette pants with some flashy jewelry, or shift dress. DVF makes a gorgeous pink one that’s available on RTR. I did RTR unlimited for a few months after surgery so I could try different things with my new shape and not have to put out a ton of $ buying things I wouldn’t likely wear again later.

      Best of luck and hugs to you!

  26. any magic products you use on your dishwasher? ive tried a few product but the dishes still come out with a funky smell.

    2. Sounds like you need to thoroughly clean the dishwasher to get rid of residue build up, not add another product on top of it.

    3. You probably need to have the super clean out the pipes, that get stuffed with food waste. When I was dateing my ex, he ate alot of cabbage and when that got stuck in the dishwasher, it was almost as bad as when he went to the toilet. FOOEY! Cabbage that is reheated, whether in the dishwasher, or in your intestines, does NOT smell good when it comes out. I told him to ease off on the cabbage, but he did NOT. I eventually dumped him, but not for those reasons.

    4. Dishwasher cleaner from the aisle near the dishwasher tabs. But also check that all the filters and drains in your machine are clean and not clogged or hiding rotting muck.

      Is it plastic or otherwise porous dishes that smell? If so, then it may simply be time to replace them. Or does your water itself smell off?

    5. Remove the basket thing at the bottom that covers the drain and clean it by hand, then put it back and run it empty with a cup of vinegar.

      1. It is actually really easy to do this, you can find an article online or a u tube video (haha trying to get under the monitors for that one…)

    6. Clean the filter and whatever else you can clean by hand, and make sure your sink drain (esp if it is a disposal) is clean/run when you run the DW. Clogs elsewhere in your kitchen plumbing can cause a sewer-y smell with the DW runs; it’s not the DW itself.

      My magic combo for keeping a clean DW that actually cleans my dishes has been a DW soap tab thrown in the bottom of the machine–not in the trap door, not in the soap dispenser, just thrown in the bottom!–with white vinegar (less than 5% is safe for machines and their rubber gaskets) in both the soap and rinse agent compartments.

    7. Run an empty hot cycle with Tang powder in the detergent cup. The citrus and chemicals will scrub the dishwasher and remove odors.

      If your sink also has an odor, it is probably a drainage issue that may require larger-scale cleaning, possibly by a plumber.

  27. All

    My family and I will be visiting Prague for four days in mid Dec and would appreciate any sightseeing tips.
    Or any advice in general. Thanks in advance.

      1. Same! The tour was fantastic. I wish I had done it earlier in my trip so I could have used their advice for more of my meals and sightseeing.

        My one tip is that if if there is a sight you have your heart set on or if you want any of the iconic photos, you have to get up early. I didn’t care, but when I was there last December, the Charles Bridge was completely swamped by 8am. Other sights were similar.

    2. Hi, if you will send me a burner email address, I will send you list of recos. I lived there for 12 years. Mine is marticka.promo with g00gle.

  29. I have finally conceded that years of New England winters have ruined my beloved Aldo black suede boots. Please help me with this shopping challenge. I am beyond challenged with shoes/boots. I’ve relied on these for years.

    They were a unicorn….

    – Not ankle boots, not mid-thigh– the perfect height in between.
    – Easy to pull on– no zippers
    – Had a distinct cowboy vibe– but were professional enough to wear to all but the most formal business situations
    – Sturdy heel under 2 inches
    – Under $250

    If anyone can help me replace these, it’s y’all.

  30. My husband is a big law sr associate and he is planning to take 8 weeks parental leave when I go back to work. We are both starting to have second thoughts about him taking the time because of it’s potential impact on his career/partnership chances. Specifically worried about ramping down off his cases and his ability to get work when he gets back. So generally worried about all the things I have dealt with in both of my leaves. I know all the great benefits to my career and our family that come with him taking the leave which is why we planned it this way in the first place, but I’m worried that in reality taking the leave will be more detrimental to him. We live in a smaller city where people def have more “traditional” values and I’ve gotten some negative reactions about him taking the leave. I’m looking for any experiences people have w spouse taking their leave from biglaw or similar position. Thanks!

    1. I live in a small city with conservative values as well. This isn’t what you want to hear, but 8 weeks of parental leave will likely be detrimental to your husband’s partnership goal. Every man I know who’s taken it did so with the full understanding that they were not going to be made a partner anyways, so why not take the benefits offered? Every man I know with realistic partnership aspirations took a few days off when his wife gave birth, but was available/on call from home (like any other “vacation”) and returned to work immediately. I think society’s norms around parental leave for men need to change for a lot of reasons, but especially outside of large, progressive cities, we’re not there yet.

    2. My husband is himself not a lawyer, but an IT manager at a large law firm in Toronto (so a big legal market). He was the third man in his firm’s history to take parental leave – the first two were both lawyers. The firm was super supportive that he wanted to take two months (leaving aside that in Canada he was legally entitled to up to 35 weeks) and there was really no fallout. He was available by email of phone in an emergency but they barely contacted him while he was out. Since he took his leave, in 2012, at least five other men in the firm have taken paternity leave – leads me to believe that the more men do it, the more men will do it.

      It was an invaluable experience for my husband, our son and our family in general. There have been zero career ramifications. The firms can get along without men the same way they get along without women during leaves – they figure it out.

      Go for it – 8 weeks is not a game changer for his career but it will be amazing for his family.

    3. Not biglaw, so may not help that much, but my husband took more leave than peers in his company — it was a bit stressful, and he definitely got comments, but two years later it doesn’t seem to have had any lasting effect and he plans on doing it again. It was amazing for his relationship with our daughter — has definitely had longer term effects on coparenting, and really helped my transition back to work.

    4. If he doesn’t think 8 will fly what about 4-6? Taking something will be game changing for your relationship when he has solo care of baby for more than a day at a time.

    5. I can’t speak to it from the spouse-side. But at my biglaw firm, a man taking all of the available parental leave was a sign that he wasn’t committed to the firm/wanted to leave. I don’t know anyone guys who took more than two weeks immediately after the birth and a few days here and there during the first year, who were still at the firm two years later. If a senior associate did it, it would drastically impact his partnership prospects in a way that it did not harm a woman.

      Maybe other firms are different, although I have yet to meet someone who works at a biglaw firm that isn’t like that. You should do what is best for your family, but know that it could have a real impact on his partnership chance and, if that is what you both desire for your family, consider the effect of that impact on your family when evaluating the choice.

      1. This is what I am afraid of. He does want to make partner. The earliest he could be up for it is fall of 2020 though. I had hoped that by that time, assuming he can get back to a full load of good cases relatively quickly the 8 weeks won’t have much of an impact.

        1. I’m a partner. We had a senior associate take his full parental leave last year. There were some comments at the time (although I stomped them down pretty hard), but at this point I don’t think anyone even remembers that he did it and it hasn’t hurt his prospects at all.

        2. But if he would make partner in Fall 2020, then they start considering and discussing in early 2020 who to put up that year (if not already discussing it in 2019). If he is taking leave in 2019, then his hours in the immediately prior year will be bad. And that is something that all management committees/partnership boards in biglaw look at. Plus, I just don’t think it is realistic that he can wind down immediately before the leave and get a full load immediately after returning. It’s not just the loss of hours for the 8 weeks, it could easily be another 4 weeks before and another 4 weeks after.

          He can choose to do it, and that may be the best thing for your family. But I think you are unrealistic if you don’t think it will impact his partnership chance.

    6. I understand the concerns over taking parental leave, but unless more men take leave it will never become the norm or acceptable. Men actually need to take advantage of these options. I know easier said than done.

    7. You’re going to have a kid for 18 years. Having a competent dad from the beginning will be golden (not just for you, but for kiddo and dad’s relationship with each other).

      If he doesn’t take the full 8, I’d urge him to take at least 2-4 (and maybe 1 week when you have the kid and at least 1 prior to when you go back as overlap and then the rest solo).

      He may not be at this firm forever no matter how this shakes out, but he will be somewhere and to go as a competent co-parent will be for the better.

      1. I think taking parental leave is a valuable thing for both parents and the child. But if one parent isn’t able to take off more than a few days or weeks, that doesn’t mean he or she will be an incompetent parent. When my kid was born, DH was working a lot of hours at a start-up, with 2 weeks of vacation and no other leave available. He took his 2 weeks off (but 2 days were in the hospital, so only 8 days left at home) and went back to work. During Kiddo’s first year, DH was home with me and Kiddo on Sundays, and solo parented on Mondays. On other days, he wasn’t home much at times that Kiddo was awake, but he did his share of waking up at night for feedings, diaper changes, etc. For the past 1.5 years, DH has worked part-time and done probably 70-80% of the childcare (and he leaves me the fun stuff). Our child has always been very, very attached to DH, so I don’t think the difference in leave had any long-term effects on their bonding.

        1. I don’t think anyone implied that long-term things don’t even out. And it sounds like your husband had to figure it out right away so he could solo on Mondays. The issue is the short-term. The first year is incredibly stressful and kids get sick so, so much, and if the husband can’t remember where the kid goes to the Dr (true story and yes, we have a family calendar and contact list) or forgets the name of day care (true story) or where the tylenol is or how to tell if milk is bad or when it’s nap time or that sheets need to be washed, diapers ordered, milk bottle broke, kid grew through two sizes – ALL of this stuff for the entire year is Mom’s job until she has time to train husband. This is all in-the-moment stuff that only real-time exposure helps with. If husbands get none of this exposure, they are useless during the most stressful time, which leads to resentment, over-reliance on Mom, and, don’t forget – impact to Mom’s career.

      2. +1 this. Having a partner at home is probably more valuable to all of you as a family than him making firm partner a year later than desired.

        Also, kid-raising is way more than 18 years.

    8. It really depends on his firm culture and who he works for. Do powerful partners in his office actively advocate in favor of parental leave? Is he being encouraged to take his full leave? Does he have a trusted mentor he can talk to about this?

    9. Stick to your guns and tell him to buck up. It is only 8 weeks. If he is partnership material, he will be partnership material when he returns.

      (Honestly, I’m tired of men in biglaw thinking they are indispensable while women have no choice but to take time to heal. Get over yourselves.)

    10. Another way to think of this is the cost to the family if your husband doesn’t take the 8 weeks now and similarly always puts work concerns before family concerns.

      If he has realistic shot at biglaw partnership, he can figure out more family-friendly options if taking paternity leave is what tanks his chances.

  31. Has anyone made part time in BigLaw (transactional practice) work? I think that I am not going to get an in house job I interviewed for, and I’m looking ahead to being a first time mom in biglaw (I had the in house interview before I found out I was expecting). I see the partners I work for and they’re never really “present” in their kids lives. Every minute of vacation is spent working, and they all have stay at home wives (who are lovely, but seem pissed at the amount of time their husbands spend working). I’m going to continue to look for other opportunities, but at this point, it will likely have to be post-baby arrival. I haven’t been looking for other jobs very seriously, the one I mentioned above was a random posting I happened to stumble upon.

    I just don’t think the money is worth it anymore, but I feel like just because you reduce the hours doesn’t mean that you reduce your “on call” availability. Basically, I’m trying to figure out how I can make my current job better – how can I say that I’m not available for certain hours and have it actually respected? There is of course a caveat that sometimes things are busy and you need to work more, but it seems like I’ve seen only one of three things happen: you go part time but you regret it because you’re still on call 24/7 and now you’re only making x% of the money, you reduce your time and slowly start going from lots of work to less work to no work and you no longer have a job, or you go part time and get stuck doing one type of thing over and over – which stagnates your career should you ever want to go back to full time.

    Any thoughts/insights would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Your three examples are the only three things I’ve EVER seen happen. The only upside to going X% is that you have justification to say “I just billed a 300 hour October, I am going to be staffed more lightly for the next month or two.” But it doesn’t help your day-to-day predictability at all.

    2. I’m not PT but I deliberately chose not to set the world on fire and it has been OK (not great, but not usually awful).

      I don’t rush to get staffed on cool things (unless my hours / billings are down). I don’t travel much. I don’t stay late usually or work on weekends.

      The chips have fallen where they may and I’m OK with that. I’m not making crazy money, but it’s still more than I’d make elsewhere. FWIW, I stayed in Counsel status for 10 years and am a partner now (kids are almost 10 for the older one).

      1. thanks – follow up question for you. Do you feel like you are/were supported by the rest of your group (or at least the partners) when it comes to the fact that you don’t “set the world on fire”? I’m not trying to either, but I feel like the expectations for being a “gunner” are just so high.

  32. Career help request! I have been out of law school for a decade, and in-house for 3-4 years… I am now trying to pre-empt my inevitable layoff as a result of a re-organization (whole co sale). Simply put: the buyer has plenty of lawyers. I am freaking out because I am a single mom and head of household and literally cannot afford to be unemployed…I can’t send out resumes until this is all public – but I am so so anxious that I will be unemployed in a few weeks that I can’t sleep/eat/function at my usual capacity. At this time, I have no certainty of severance or even that bonuses will be paid out and the divorce wiped my bank accounts.

    What are some things I can do to get myself ready other than hoard all the cash? Does anyone have a recommendation for a legal resume writer? or a career coach/consultant who can help me strategize? I feel like I need to get ahead of this but I am also sort of… numb? Help!

    1. Why can’t you selectively apply for jobs that you interest you now? You can do that. I was in your position – saw the road ahead and knew that it would be safer to jump ship. So, I started scouring job posting, way upping my networking (in house lawyers tend to fall behind on that) and apply selectively to jobs I liked. I ended finding a better position and moving. Now there are rumors of a PE buyout of my old company swirling about, and I’m not worried about it. DO NOT show this company any loyalty by acting like a sitting duck. Good luck and good vibes.

      1. great advice ^^ hit up your network for a discrete job search. i think this is a situation where if you start taking steps toward your next job, you can cut down on some of the anxiety and paralysis you’re feeling. good luck!

    2. Yeah, you definitely can start sending out resumes? Why wouldn’t you? You need to start looking ASAP.

    3. I agree about starting the job search (quietly) now. Network, talk to law school friends, former coworkers who left, talk to your girlfriends even if they’re not in law. Everyone.

      Then, since you are not eating or functioning, yes, get a career coach. Someone who you can lean on, vent to, strategize with. You might also need a therapist too but start with a career coach. There are many coaches that do phone or Skype consultations (either initially or after the first meeting) and others that specialize in lawyers. Make a plan – that alone may help you reduce your anxiety. The coach will either help you with resume or refer you to a professional resume writer. Even though money is tight, this will be a good investment if the worst happens and you are laid off.

      If none of your contacts have used a career coach and you get no recommendations, I’d do a search on LinkedIn for your area of the country/town. Put Career coach in the search function and then you should see multiple people who look good or who are linked to you by friends/colleagues. Then contact a few of them for references and a free interview session. Pick one that has good references and that you click with. If you work near your law school alma mater, call the career center and ask if they have recommendations for coaches.

      Good luck and hang in there. Being the veteran of 10+ mergers, I know you can get through this.

  33. I would like to purchase cashmere sweaters as a gift for someone who is a size 14-16. She is older and likes loose fit sweaters (and prefers hip length to waist length). Where can I find reasonably priced options?

    TJMaxx is my usual go to because it has tons of sweaters but the selection dramatically drops off at XL and I think an XXL is a better fit for her.

      2. Their cashmere is really lovely and can often be bought on great discounts.

    4. I know this isn’t what you asked, but I’m a size 14-16, and I’d be absolutely swimming in an XXL. A large would probably fit well. An XL would fit loosely. An XXL would be way too much.

      1. Thank you – it’s so hard to tell because some sweaters seem slim fit, which isn’t her style, while others do seem looser. Thank you for the tip on sizing.

        1. You should also know that plus and straight sizes are different. 16W is much bigger than 16.

  34. Is there any way to search for and retrieve comments on this site? I remember a discussion in the last week (how to find a therapist) and want to see the comments but don’t remember the day. I tried the search box and it didn’t work. Thanks!

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