Weekend Open Thread

142 Comments

1. Read your post too late but wanted to let you know that Chico’s literally has an entire section for artsy pants.
   https://www.chicos.com/store/category/unique-styles/cat14029279/

   1. They look Boca appropriate. Not sure that’s artsy except for the painting-with-wine crowd.

   2. Thanks, that was me. I like them, and I’m definitely not in Florida. Nor retired, if that was the implication above @@.

2. I had a spat with one of my best friends eight months ago, and haven’t heard from her since. I didn’t reach out to her, either, because I was confused and hurt about some things she did (and clearly the feeling was mutual).

   I recently found out she was engaged through a mutual friend. She didn’t tell me herself. We’re close enough (or, well, we WERE close enough) that I would have been a bridesmaid in her wedding.

   Is this friendship over? My best guess is yes.

   1. Yes it is.

      If you don’t want it to be, you could potentially message her and say congratulations. Don’t expect a response or to be close again but it may help you either patch things up or move on

   2. You act like the friendship being “over” or “not over” is something that’s independently determined regardless of your actions. You represent half the friendship. If you want to resume the friendship, reach out to her and offer an olive branch. Don’t do it because you want to convince her that you were actually right in the spat and oh by the way now she also owes you an apology for not telling you about her engagement. If you want to continue to the friendship, be the bigger person and say something. Or don’t, and let the friendship end. You have a lot more agency than anyone here in terms of deeming the friendship “over”.

      1. +1. Be active, not passive, depending on what you want.

   3. At least you knew you had a spat. Someone who was a bridesmaid in my wedding got engaged and I found out from the public Facebook announcement. I was stunned because I definitely thought we were still friends, if not as close as we’d once been.

      1. Maybe it’s just her personality. When I got engaged we told our parents and then posted it on facebook. I wasn’t slighting anyone, unless she specifically told everyone but you I don’t think she necessarily is either.

         1. That’s fair, we found out about my husband’s BFFs engagement from Facebook too and we were both in the bridal party. In this case, a bunch of mutual friends knew before it was public. I assumed good intentions and I reached out and congratulated her as I normally would, but there was no follow-up except a brief “thanks!” and I wasn’t invited to the (not small) wedding, so I think it’s safe to say she no longer views me as a friend. I still don’t know what happened.

   4. I’m in a similar situation… but the sad truth is, the friendship IS over, because I don’t want to get back into the heart of our disagreement. I’m sad and I miss lots of things about her, but when I’m being honest with myself, I know that I don’t want to to call her and apologize, because I don’t want to feel the way engaging with her has made me feel lately, so… here I am.

   5. I have a friend who I had a falling out with over the last presidential election. We were bffs when we were 10 and have generally stayed in contact over the subsequent 2+ decades, but honestly have just mostly grown so different we grew apart and her commentary during the election just kind of sealed it for me. I’m having baby #2 and never reached out (I’m popping kiddo out next week). I would be open to being better friends again, and we likely will reconnect, but I just don’t feel like I have the time or energy currently to deal with it. If you want, reach out… if not, let it simmer and see if you want to reach out next year.

3. Now I desperately want to buy a pair of Tretorns. I remember wearing those back in the 90’s.

   1. I know! They were my go-to sneaks. I used to buy the ones with the different fun fabrics at places like TJ Maxx.

4. Which is correct?

   Joe, along with Mary and Sue, has done X.
   Joe, along with Mary and Sue, have done X.

   Joe is the leader, but Mary and Sue are important co-leaders, so they can’t be dropped too far away in the sentence structure.

   1. Joe, Mary, and Sue have done X. Don’t be wordy.

      1. This. Otherwise, the sentence is about Joe.

         1. Good point.

   2. Has. But in situations like this where the phrasing is awkward, I usually try to restructure the sentence. Here, I think you should definitely restructure, because the sentence almost doesn’t make sense – it makes it sound like Joe did it and Mary and Sue did it too but separately. Could you say something like “A team led by Joe and his co-leaders Mary and Sue did X”?

      1. +1. “Along with” is too ambiguous. (Unless you want ambiguity!) Why not throw in actual titles? “Director Joe and associate directors Mary and Sue have…”

   3. #1, because of the sentence structure. But you could say, Joe, Mary and Sue have done X. Or Joe and his team, Mary and Sue, have done X.

   4. Why not ‘Joe lead X with the support of Mary and Sue’?

      1. This really minimizes the role of Mary and Sue. I think it changes the meaning vs what OP posted.

      2. Leads or Led.

   5. I would avoid has done and have done and just use did.

   6. “along with Mary and Sue” is a nonessential clause (also known as a nonrestrictive clause) because it provides additional information that does not modify the meaning of the rest of the sentence. Joe has done X, and the narrator not telling you about Mary and Sue would not change that information.

      The commas are a clue that tells you the clause is nonessential, so if you’re uncertain about verb choice, mentally omit the part between the commas and choose the verb that you would choose if the clause was not there.

5. How often (per week) do you think you need to do a new hobby in order to develop skill at it? I read on a climbing podcast once that 4 times a week is the optimal amount so you see and maintain gains, but I can’t do my new hobby (horseback riding) 4x a week due to costs. Is twice a week enough to make progress? I’m going once a week now and I feel like I’m not really making consistent improvements. Obviously this is going to vary depending on the sport and the person, but I’m just looking for your general observations.

   1. I used to be a pretty serious competitive equestrian and I was typically riding 4-5x per week at that point. To ride that much, I basically lived at the barn and it was the defining “thing” in my life. If you’re just picking it up as a hobby, once per week is fine and twice is great! Like many things, progress is often uneven – you’ll feel like you have long plateaus and then sudden dramatic improvements.

      1. To be more clear, I was riding 4-5 days per week and typically riding multiple horses each day.

         BUT I stand by what I said, when you’re starting out, once per week is totally fine and twice is great if you can swing it.

         1. +1 from someone else who rode this much when I was younger and had fewer real life responsibilities!!

            It’s also important to ask what your goals are. If you want to go from beginner to 3’6″ courses in a year, that’s not realistic for a once a weeker. If you want to improve your leg strength, say no-stirrups from 5 mins to 15 minutes, then you can also work on improving that outside of being on a horse and once a week astride is plenty. The leg strengthening exercises I do for running really help my leg strength in riding to the extent that where I am only riding twice a week, my leg is still rock solid.

            If you are comfortable sharing your goals, we may be able to provide you more specific guidance.

            1. OP here – my goals are to become a competent hobbyist rider with good equitation and the ability to jump 2.5-3 feet one day. I’d also like to be in a position to do well at schooling shows and maybe others as well. The barn I’m at does mostly eventing, but some hunter/jumper; I’ve been thinking I’d steer more towards H/J because I feel like it’s safer than cross-country, but there’s also something really appealing about cross country. I’d love to lease a horse someday, but would feel weird about it if my riding weren’t up to a really solid standard.

               Also, I rode for a few years as a teen and damn, my muscles bounced back so much faster then. RIP my youth (and I’m only 30!).

            2. What leg strengthening exercises do you do, because I could use those.

            3. I think those are realistic goals, although the time to get safely to 3′ can take longer for some than others. I have seen lots of unsafe rider/horse combinations at shows because the trainers are either not good or only interested in $$$. I ride H/J and have been riding for 32 years, but it also took me years to get to 3′ because (a) I started young and it wasn’t necessary and (b) worked with trainers who cared about getting the basics right and solid before moving on/up.

               Back to your point . . . if you continue to ride once a week, I encourage you to incorporate leg-focused pilates (you can do this at home – lots of videos online), I do a lot of exercises geared towards trail running because that is another hobby of mine (lunges – front and back, stair climber, squats, step ups), and I also try to target my inner thighs (a lot of which I get at pilates). Definitely do core work – a Google search will get you lots of options. I do planks in varying degrees of intensity, all manner of crunches and twists and things. Also, ask your trainer if you can start riding without stirrups a little bit in your lessons. That will make your leg stronger!

               Also, don’t feel weird about leasing a horse once you get the basics down! Ideally, you would lease a nice, safe, beginner friendly horse through a trainer you are working with consistently. The nice thing about leasing is that once you outgrow the horse capability-wise, you can find one that is more challenging which will help you advance even more. I was fortunate that I grew up in lesson barns where I rode and schooled a wide range of horses frequently. Most of us don’t have that option as adults, but if you are able to rotate horses for your lessons, that will help you advance as well.

            4. My suggestion would be to stick with two lessons per week until you’re at a point where you feel ready to lease your own horse. Don’t feel like you have to be a great rider to lease your own horse; you should be at a point where you would feel comfortable and in control riding the horse unsupervised in the arena at all gaits. And then your riding time will go up but you’ll split your time between lessons and just hacking your horse on your own.

            5. Thank you CountC (and others) – this is so helpful!

      2. LOL, LAnon, your comment about long plateaus just makes me think of when I was a junior rider and my trainer thought I had hit one. She literally locked up every stirrup leather I had and only gave them back on show days. She wasn’t happy until I could post stirrupless for an hour. I mean, it worked, I remember winning a lot in that era. But never again.

      3. Yup, all this, if you’re doing it as a hobby then do what you can comfortably afford and have fun. And seconding everyone who has suggested working out on days you’re not at the barn so you can maximize progress when you do ride – anything that focuses on core strength and balance is helpful, as is just being generally fit.

   2. 2x/week should be enough to see real progress at the beginning levels of many activities. Also, is there any conditioning you can do when you aren’t actually riding that would make your lessons more productive?

   3. Twice a week is definitely enough to make progress. Even once a week. Of course the more you do it, the faster the progress will be. But honestly, horseback riding is one of these sports where it’s very common to feel like you’re not making any progress at all, just barely confirming what you knew before, until all of a sudden you realize you can do all these really hard things! Don’t get discouraged and just do your best. Also, being in good general shape will help you be a better rider – so if you can’t ride but you can squeeze in yoga, a run, or whatever else works for you, you should see faster progress.

      1. Also seconding LA anon above – when I was competing seriously I rode at least 4 times a week. I definitely couldn’t handle that right now and therefore no longer compete, except for the occasional internal show – it’s totally fine to approach it as a hobby but you can’t have the same expectations as someone who is training for show season.

   4. I think 2x a week would be really helpful and make you progress much faster. I’d say 1/3 of riding is developed muscle memory from time in the saddle, 1/3 is learning to communicate with the horse, 1/3 is balance and physical ability. You can improve that last 1/3 without being on a horse – on days you aren’t riding, I’d exercise with a focus on core, balance, and coordination. Here are some ideas, and there are other articles on this site and if you search around the internet:
      http://equinemechanics.com/post/128568891748/unmounted-rider-exercises-to-improve-your

   5. I actually don’t agree that you need to climb four times a week to get better at it. I climb once a week and I’m not a pro climber or anything, but I’m doing 5.12’s which is good for your casual hobbyist. I think the teams at my gym meet twice a week and maybe the members come more often, but unless you’re training for competition or are sponsored, once or twice a week will have you improving just fine. It just takes time, like I started climbing as an adult and it took years to get here. If you’re just starting out you’re probably learning techniques and your gym may have classes to help with that.

      1. Climbing four days a week as a beginner is a great way to hurt yourself – it takes time to build up the tendon strength and rest days are super important.

6. I am so glad what I have been doing for years has a name – the game of Patriarchy Chicken (see article from news roundup). Love it! Although, I happen to be tall and athletic, so when a man walks right into me I usually have pretty good chance he is bouncing off me rather than the other way around…

   1. I’ve always lived in places with 4-way stops, and despite the laws, the safest way to navigate is to look at the other drivers’ faces before you choose whether or not to pull out into the intersection or let them go first. Obviously, I don’t play chicken in my car.

      But I never truly realized how much of my decision was based on the other driver’s gender until I moved away from my completely white area. It shocks me when men (of color, never white men) cede right-of-way to me because of race, as I unconsciously cede to them because of gender. Intersectionality on wheels!

7. Last day before break and I am SO. DONE. I need about 3 days worth of sleep.

   1. My son and kid are at home, my office is empty, and my 1:00 conference call got rescheduled for 3:00. Argh! Also, I’m working everyday next week except Tuesday, while my bosses are on vacation this afternoon through Wednesday.

      1. I have had that kind of reschedule thing happen to me so often. Yesterday, I just blocked out the afternoon on my calendar and left so I could go run errands before going out. I ended up getting a lot done since parades were pushed later (we still went, but left at about 6:20). I had to be here early this morning, so that was rough, but now I’m just counting down the minutes until I can get out of here. Sorry you have to work so much next week! I don’t go back until Thursday.

8. I just started traveling a few years ago. I am enjoying myself, but think that my laissez faire approach to planning itineraries means I miss a lot of great things on my trips. I am a nature person, so when I travel I like to explore and see the hidden gems/off the beaten path type sights. Currently, I put a short list of things I would like to see, but I don’t do a ton of research to compile that list. I get overwhelmed when I start Googling, which means I end up putting together a very general plan (hike trail A on Day 2, but nothing more detailed) and winging it. I don’t mind this approach, but also don’t want to miss really amazing things when I travel to a location.

   The help part . . . how do expert travel planning ‘Rettes conduct their research without getting overwhelmed with the options? How do you whittle down the options into a manageable itinerary? What are your tips and tricks for finding hidden gems/off the beaten path sights?

   If it helps, I am a rustic traveler who doesn’t need anything fancy and usually is self-sufficient with food. My usual travels take me to National Parks and areas with diverse wildlife/natural beauty.

   Thank you in advance!!

   1. 1. TripAdvisor for hotels, unless I have a personal recommendation

      2. Yelp for restaurants in countries that have it.

      3. Travel bl0gs for activity & other food recommendations, but I do a lot of skimming and only read them carefully if they look detailed enough to be useful and if it seems like the author has a similar travel style to me. Searching “Destination” + Itinerary or “must-sees” usually gives me a lot of hits. It doesn’t take me long to figure out what the highlights are. If it’s a really scenic area, Instagram is helpful for figuring out good vistas and photo spots.

      4. I’ve found guidebooks to be not useful at all in major cities (especially where Yelp exists) but more useful in National Parks and rural areas, so I often buy one unless I’ll be staying in a major city.

      Generally, my strategy isn’t that different than yours. I go to an area armed with a hotel reservation, a list of restaurants that sound good and a list of trails to hike (for a nature area). Then I wing it from there. I think you have to be careful about over-scheduling (this is true a thousand times over if you have kids, but it sounds like you don’t) or making inflexible plans that are subject to change if the weather is bad. Caveat: I don’t much care about off-the-beaten path. I want to see the best stuff regardless of whether or not it’s touristy.

   2. I think your approach is fine. You make peace with the fact that you can’t always do EVERYTHING on the trip anyway. Theoretically, you can always go back, right? So find the things that seem interesting, and then build in some time (a day, half a day?) for the thing you didn’t know about until you got there.

   3. I would add asking the park rangers to your list–they can recommend some really cool stuff that the Internet hasn’t caught onto yet. Memories from Yellowstone and Zion jump out at me.

      But really, as long as you’re following your values and seeing things that you love seeing and that make you excited to be out in our big, beautiful world, there’s no wrong way to travel. I think it’s very preferable to be under-scheduled than over-scheduled, so that you have time to take a cool detour/ooh a taco stand!/oh yes, I WOULD like to go watch the sun rise over Bryce Canyon/whatever.

      I also remind myself that if I end up missing something, I can always go back if I really, really regret not having seen it. Yes, my friend and I did have too much wine at lunch and napped through going to the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona…but that’s life. Turns out I don’t care enough about Gaudi to go all the way back. Still had a great trip.

      1. As someone who didn’t nap through it, I think you were better off with the wine :)

      2. How funny! I went to Barca as a poor grad student and didn’t see any of the gaudi buildings… when I went with my husband a few yrs later as part of our bar trip- it was super important for me to see them! But I do love funky buildings. I like online travel groups and try to respect that I generally have more time people watching in cafes than going to museums. I also really like self guided walking tours, so I can go at my own pace.

   4. I keep a list in Evernote of things I want to see in a city, but I don’t necessarily lock it down to doing A, B and C on specific days. If I am visiting somewhere new, I’ll search for something like “three days in New Orleans” to get an idea of sample itineraries. From there, I’ll make note of things that interest me.

      I like Trip Advisor and Google for reviews. The Trip Advisor forums are also helpful. I use the search feature if I have specific questions and there is a good chance someone has already asked.

      For hidden gems, I find talking to locals is helpful.

   5. I usually start with TripAdvisor (especially the “top sights” list and the forums) and guidebooks (my guidebooks of choice are Lonely Planet) and go from there. Also, asking on here usually generates good advice.

   6. If you are talking about adventure travel type trips, I often look at activities on the itineraries of outfitters that offer trips to the places I’m interested in to get ideas on activities, trails etc. REI is one that I often consult. I also second the recommendation to talk to park rangers-I like to call and talk to them before I’m actually there in order to help me plan. Note, no one has ever characterized me as spontaneous. :)

   7. I use Instagram to plan – I find hashtags for the places I’m going and look through those. Sometimes you find local bloggers that way, also local stores, shops, etc.

   8. Thanks all! My sister and BIL are NPS rangers, so I should have thought of that. Derp!

9. I filed for divorce today and my soon-to-be ex (or can I call him my-ex now?!) moves out of our marital home tomorrow. It will be final in 60 days.
   The soon-to-be-ex has major mental health issues (MDD and borderline personality) and become emotionally abusive to me (saying that he was a danger to himself when I declined to have a lady garden party with him and also after a couples’ counseling session, calling me a b*tch when I asked for help with the kids when I was sick, projected his own feelings of worthlessness onto me (told me that I was a sh*tty parent), came home drunk and puked everywhere on a weeknight, texted a 22 year-old 6000 times in 5 days that he met inpatient to confirm that I “asked for too much from him” etc.).
   So I know that better days are ahead. I am looking forward to a sense of stability in my life that I haven’t had in years. I am looking forward to being a better parent to my kids because my mental energy will not be actively draining trying to predict and prevent the next crisis. (Kids will see him every other weekend and only during the day.) I feel elated/excited and heartbroken all in the same breath. Even though I know this is the best thing, it is still so very difficult. And I feel like I could loss my cool at any moment at work. I am looking for a little encouragement that things will get better, that I did the right thing, anything to keep me going right now. Thanks.

   1. You did the right thing! In a week, in 60 days, in a year, in ten, you will thank yourself profusely. Take care of your kids and yourself. Hugs to you.

   2. I’ve been following your posts here and on the moms page for a while. You DEFINITELY did the right thing. I know it’s hard know, but I’m confident (much much much) better days lie ahead. Hugs!!!

      1. *hard now!

   3. You did the right thing. I don’t know you, but I’m so excited for you! That doesn’t mean there won’t be challenging days ahead, but your life can be so much better and it’s way too short to spend with an asshole like that.

   4. The last while has been a marathon slog but finally the finish line is in sight. Happy for you that it will be final in only 60 days. Here’s to brighter days ahead.

   5. You did the right thing! You and your kids will be better off! You will have more energy for yourself and your kids!

      Take care of yourself. It’s OK to be sad and to grieve even though you know you did the right thing. Do some small things to help yourself this weekend.

   6. You completely did the right thing!

      You are in the thick of it right now but better days are ahead! A year from now things will be SO MUCH BETTER! Be gentle with yourself and your kids. Hugs to you and to them.

   7. Making sure your children are in a safe environment is so important, please take a moment to be proud you are strong and acting to protect them.

   8. *hugs* such a difficult time. Try getting something ready to calm you down – maybe a meditation app (headspace?), plan some meals or coffee with friends? and just … be in your home and enjoy the peace and lack of fear of whatever is next. You’re doing the right thing and * it will get better. *

   9. You are courageous. Better times are ahead! Be proud of yourself.

   10. I’m three years away from where you are now, and it is so. much. better. Congratulate yourself and be kind to yourself. This may be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life, but it will save your life.

   11. You did the right thing! Hugs!

10. What kind of insoles should I get that will push my feet back in heels? I have narrow heels and they never stick to the back of the shoe!

    1. I have the same issue and have found that ball-of-the-foot pads do a better job than the heel pads or full insoles. For whatever reason.

       1. I agree with this, and I recently saw some in the CVS foot care section that have a loop you put your toe through, so that might help.

    2. Ball of foot pads are good, but if you’re like me and have wide toes and bunions leaving no room for ball of foot pads, a close second is insoles with good arch support to keep your foot in place.

11. Has anyone been to the Azores? I’m trying to decide between the Azores and Barcelona/Mallorca. Would be for 10 days (including travel) over the summer.

    1. With kids or without? I’d learn toward the Azores if without, Barcelona/Mallorca if with.

       1. Without. Definitely without. I’m not brave enough to take our toddler on a long flight.

    2. I have been to the Azores and Barcelona (but not Mallorca). I absolutely loved the Azores, but I was not there in the summer so I don’t know how that would change it. I loved being there in a slow time in the fall, where it felt like we had so many unspoiled spots to ourselves–hot springs, staying in historic buildings, wandering, wine tasting. Barcelona is also amazing but I would not go in the summer. For the Azores, over ten days you would probably want to go to two islands, possibly three depending on your preferences for down time so think about how much intra-island travel you would be up for.

    3. I’ve been to all 3 and I would go back to the Azores.

    4. I’m dying to do the Azores and want to do it sooner rather than later because I think it’s getting more and more popular.

12. What did you think you were going to be doing while you were in college, and what actually happened? What did you think mattered that turned out to not really matter at all, or at least not near as much as you thought? I feel like I’m driving myself crazy with pressure to accomplish every goal I have as quickly as possible, with no deviations from the path I’ve set out, and am quickly sacrificing quality for quantity all for fear of not making getting enough value out of my younger years before the chronic back pain and fatigue set in.

    1. Current age: 37

       What I thought I’d be doing: Married, jet-setting career in the Foreign Service, chic townhouse in D.C. when stateside.

       Age I started on that path: 11 – not kidding. Definition of precocious: me in elementary school

       What I’m actually doing: Married, lawyer and lobbyist on a subject that has nothing to do with my int’l relations major, house in the suburbs with dreams of running away from everything about D.C. a la a Hallmark movie plot (“a harried professional visits a quaint small town, falls in love with its simplicity, starts a Christmas tree farm/tie dye boutique/smoothie shop”)

       I look successful on the outside. And I suppose I am “successful.” But now that I’m here and have achieved all this stuff, I’m good, thanks. In the next couple of years, you really will see me run away like a Hallmark movie plot to a simpler, slower, small town life. Thankfully, my husband’s on board with it ;) (He’s not on board with watching Hallmark movies, but living one he’d be good with.)

       How I got here: a ridiculously windy road that looks nothing, NOTHING what 20-something me thought it should. Relax and enjoy the ride as much as you can.

       1. Wow, our paths are really similar. I was an IR major with Foreign Service dreams.

          Now: M&A for a Big 4, live downtown, about to get married, and “super successful” on the outside. I jetset around the country for work and only see conference rooms and hotels, and see the world in 1 week increments on vacation.

    2. I thought I was going to get a PhD and become a spy. Which I did. Then it turned out to be not what I wanted at all after a few years, now I’m climbing the corporate ladder and I dig it. I never thought I’d like work outside the public sector, but it’s great

       1. I want to know more about your spy career.

          (I understand that you can’t really tell us).

          1. Second

    3. In college, I thought I would be an engineering professor. Now I do patent litigation.

       I don’t know how old you are, but I am 40-something. My advice would be to roll with it. Every time I tried to make a plan (be a professor, be a biglaw partner, etc.) it never really worked out NOT because it was impossible for me to achieve that goal, but once I got a better sense of what the goal is, I didn’t want it anymore. If I wouldn’t have been flexible, I wouldn’t have ended up where I am today. I like my job, and I really like my life outside of work.

       Fwiw, I’m middle-aged, but I don’t have chronic back pain and fatigue. I feel about the same as when I was early 20s. The main difference I notice are less consistent energy levels, and getting 7-9 hours of sleep being critical.

    4. In college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I started out trying to please my dad and was going to major in biology, but then it became clear that I would be much happier in music (but still at my small liberal arts college). At some point during college, I took the Strong Campbell and it said that I should be a librarian, but I didn’t even know what librarians did! I got an M.A. in musicology at a music school and still didn’t really know what I wanted to do, then took a staff job at the music library at that school (a truly amazing library) and found my calling. Got my MLS and never looked back. I’m not doing now what I thought I would do even right out of grad school. My job has evolved considerably and now I’m an administrator, but still in higher ed and I still work with music and I do a lot more teaching than I ever thought possible. As I always tell people, if I still was doing the same thing now that I was hired to do so many years ago, I would be miserable. I love that what my job is constantly morphs and I have new challenges.

    5. I thought I would ultimately be a SAHM. My mother and her mother were both stay at home moms and really preached to me that working parents neglected their children. I can remember parroting back to people that of course I would stay home with my kids. I always wanted to go to a really good school and to do well / work I just never really added things together in my head of how maybe a different life path would be good for me?

       I entered college as a liberal arts major, transferred into engineering (!!) my second semester, and graduated with a degree in what is essentially applied math / statistics and took a job in finance. I now have no children and do M&A in the energy industry. I really never thought I would make it this far in a role that is high octane and I never thought I would be so proud of my work self and have a partner who really loves this about me.
       Working taught me a lot of skills and gave me confidence. I also never realized before I was in the workforce that I had all these options to craft my life to make me happy and that people would appreciate things about me other than my maternal status. I’m really happy I just rolled with what I enjoyed. We shall see what the future holds.

       I’m also a recreational powerlifter and to do this I manage my nutrition / health in a way younger me never did. At 31, I’m in far better shape and feel physically better than I did at 21.

    6. I got my undergraduate degree in chemistry, spent about a year as a lab tech, and then I was laid off in the recession. What followed was an anguished 10 years working food service and living with family. I gave up on chemistry but not science, volunteered and worked multiple jobs to pad my resume with experience. Then I decided to get an inexpensive master’s degree in a 3rd STEM field, where I have finally gotten a full-time job (which I happen to love).

       When I write it up, with just a tiny bit of editing, it actually looks cohesive, even though the jobs were TOTALLY unrelated. And the really ironic thing is, I landed in the exact same miserable industry town where I was worried I would have to go because of my chemistry degree, but for completely different reasons.

    7. I’m the daughter, granddaughter and great-granddaughter of scientists, and I liked and did well in my high school science and math classes, so I went to college assuming I would get a PhD in science and become a science professor. I realized quickly that although I like science generally, I wasn’t passionate enough about any one area of science to survive the long hours and long, slow grind to get tenure. I also went to a college that’s famous for burnout and really hated most of my undergraduate classes, despite the fact that I had already taken and done well in a lot of college level classes in my major. I think I probably would have at least applied to a PhD program if I hadn’t gone to the university I did, but I also think I probably would have burned out in grad school or soon after, so I’m not sure the end result would have been any different.

       I ended up pursuing a career in science journalism and am overall happy with it. I don’t have bylines in the NYT or anything, but I’m a working writer, and I love the day-to-day work of learning about different scientific breakthroughs and finding fun and creative ways to bring them to the public’s attention, without having to spend 12 hours a day, 6 days a week holed up in a lab (instead I’m holed up on my couch with my laptop, which is much more my speed :)) Big picture I do have moments where I wish I were the trailblazing woman in STEM I thought I’d be. There’s a bit of a stereotype that people who do science communication are people who couldn’t make it in science, and although I think it’s unfair as a generalization, it’s grounded in truth for myself and many other people I know. But overall the fact that I really like what I do, that I can make a decent living at it and that it’s very flexible and compatible with having young children outweigh these negatives. I also don’t see this as my “forever career” necessarily. It’s good now, but if I want more of an intellectual challenge when my children are older and need me less, I can always go back to school.

    8. Love this question!
       In college, I thought i would become a philosophy professor (eventually all the old dudes have to die right?). I even only went to law schools that had dual Phil/jd programs. Never ended up following through with it and graduated in the worst economic market. Thankfully, my husband (then bf) had gotten a job that conveniently was back in my home state where I wanted to be- so we moved there. A huge huge newsworthy *thing* happened in the town we were in and I ended up getting hired in what I thought was a legal role but ended up being discovery/scanning/other horribly mind numbing things as a contractor. By a stroke of luck and hard work, I was hired on by the company itself to lead a huge dept, now 7 yrs later I still work at that company and love my job (different roles over the years). My only regret is that I didn’t do my undergrad degree in engineering, which would have helped my career in a lot of ways (but who knows, I probably would have ended up on a different path at that point).
       Funny about all the spy talk…In HS I did want to be a spy or something similar, and am still intrigued by the fbi target adds that have been coming at me lately.

    9. I really Iike this question. Current age: 35. I have a BS in a hard science and a masters in healthcare admin. I have an ownership stake in a consulting practice I helped build and make $100k/year working 15 hours/week.

       When I was in high school, I applied to colleges thinking there was a 50/50’cjamce I’d be pre med.

       When I was in college, I loved my science classes and really thought the required pre med classes were a slog. I did 80% of them.

       I worked for the NIH doing lab research for 2 years out of undergrad, and ended up getting a gig where i could double dip and get university benefits where my masters would be paid for regardless of applicability to my current job, so I got one in healthcare admin thinking I’d work as a hospital admin.

       Ended up getting a job at a tech company that sells into hospitals (paid almost 2x the hospital admin type jobs and was closer to where I lived) and that launched my career in healthcare IT (which is where I now do consulting).

    10. Current age: 39

        What I thought I’d be doing: I didn’t have much of an idea, honestly. I started as an accounting major, dipped into computer science, and ended up in sports marketing.

        Age I started on that path: N/A

        What I’m actually doing: Manager of a contracts department at an electrical connectivity manufacturing/technology company and adjunct professor.

        How I got here: Oh man . . . it took me a long time to get my act together and figure out what I wanted to do! I worked in sports all through college and for a couple of years afterwards. I ended up 25, living in a house with five other people because entry-level sports job salaries are garbage, and made the decision that I wanted to go back to school. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do and investigated a masters in counseling and law school. Ended up choosing law school for a reason I don’t remember. Did really well in law school, stayed in the town where the school is located, worked at a 500+ east coast law firm and then worked at a state government agency. I was NOT cut out for law firm life and the state agency legal department was the most toxic environment I have ever experienced. When I quit the agency, I moved to a different state to live with my LD boyfriend, took time off work to take the bar exam there, then did stints in recruiting, administrative positions, substitute teaching, and real estate. Ended up moving back to law school town, bummed around for a while trying to find a position that would let me use my legal experience, but not be an attorney position. Took an internship at 35 to get my foot in the door at the company where I now work, ended up interviewing for two FT positions a few months later, and have been working my way up in the contracts department since!

    11. I cannot believe you said “before the chronic back pain and fatigue set in”. I’m 68, still working full-time in medical malpractice law and find that comment very offensive. I do not have chronic back pain and/or fatigue nor do many others my age.

13. I’m 30 with black curly hair most of the way down my back. I tihnk I need to start dying my hair, as the gray hairs are becoming more noticeable. I don’t have patches of gray yet, but some of the gray strands are becoming really noticeable. What kind of home hair dye should I use that will be gentle on my hair and not destroy it or make it brittle?

    1. I don’t have your same hair texture (dark brown, fine and stick straight), but I recently used Schwarzkopf Keratin at-home hair color and have been really impressed with the results. The color is dimensional (doesn’t look flat), it covered even my stubborn grays, and my hair texture is silky with body. I have tried a lot of home hair colors – Garnier, Feria, John Frieda foam, etc. and this is my favorite one so far. I loved John Frieda but the foam color wasn’t effective at coloring grays. You can get the Schwarzkopf color on Amazon.

14. Did we find out the results of the Engineer of the Year award that the one commenter was up for?

    1. I just checked the site and it looks like she’s still ahead by over 1%, so hopefully that means she won! Way to go, Amy!!!

    2. I’ll be really happy if she won. I still think it is really weird that industry awards are click contest. That isn’t a dig at Amy by any means. She doesn’t make the rules. There are tons of lawyer awards that are also just popularity contests. I posted about this when we discussed it the other day on the mom’s page. There has to be a better / fairer way. For lawyers, it could be an email to all members of the bar and each email gets one vote. I know part of the problem is that roster lists can be confidential to avoid spam. If your industry handles awards a different way, how is it done?

       Also, this is a good reminder to not be afraid to toot your own horn. I’m on the board of a 501(c)(3) and suggested that nominating someone from the board for 40 under 40 would get us good publicity. Turns out I was the only person under 40, was nominated and got it.

       I learned this from my boss that has asked me to nominate him for things. Also, did you know press release quotes are often written by some PR person and then just approved by the person the quote is attributed to? It’s all a big game.

       Have the confidence of a mediocre white man.

       1. Did you know press release quotes are often stolen from a person who built/wrote/planned the thing and attributed to whatever dude is winning the thing? I learned that when my marketing department asked me for some quotable observations about a thing my team built and then attributed them to my boss. He was gracious when I threw a fit and refused to let it happen.
          (I know that wasn’t the point of your post, and congrats on your 40<40.. The comment just reminded me of a work kerfuffle.)

          1. I don’t doubt it for a minute. Glad you threw a fit aka asserted yourself!

       2. Also, did you know press release quotes are often written by some PR person and then just approved by the person the quote is attributed to?

          Because if we waited for the person to give us an actual quotation, we would never get the release out on time. I don’t like putting words in the mouths of other people – but I need to get the damn release out. Please co-operate with your marketing people and give them a quotation – we just want to make you look great!

          1. This. I work in PR and we write quotes for execs because they’re too busy to do it themselves. Please give us a quote. We’d much rather use your own words.

    3. Super late, but yes, I won! I am traveling for a conference right now, so I have not been on Corporette at all since last week. It is late at the moment, so I will try to remember to post tomorrow morning to let everyone know. I think this community is the only reason I won!

       BONUS: There is someone else who reads/comments on Corporette at my conference! I was inordinately excited to meet my first ‘rette. =3

15. Got a modest raise and would like to do something nice/fun with it each month. I have no debts and a good emergency fund. I’m already saving for retirement and am happy with my apartment and have most things I want already.
    I am going through a lot of work stress right now, so maybe something that would help with that? Or distract from it? (It’s a temporary stressor)

    1. Massage? Fun exercise class? Personal trainer?

       1. Massage! And save for a really nice vacation

          1. +1 to massage. I have found the most benefit out of it when I do it regularly (4-6 weeks).

    2. Stress reduction class or meditation class?

    3. I’d get my hair and eyebrows and nails done more regularly :). Also have my cleaning person come twice as often!

    4. Thanks for the ideas! Personal trainer and cleaner sound like they’d make a real difference. Massage for sure. Ok, off to establish some combination of those.

    5. If you live in an apartment, buy a good robot vacuum. Sounds weird, but being able to make my floors clean with no work 2x a week is very calming, and doesn’t require the planning of a housecleaner.

16. Can you all give me some advice on finding belts to wear with dresses? Seems like skinny belts are the way to go style wise, but I have a lot of trouble finding skinny belts that have that second adjustable loop that isn’t anchored down to the belt that keeps the end of the belt tucked in? It seems like most skinny belts just have the one loop near the buckle, and I have problems where the rest of the end of the belt just gets floppy or sticks out at weird angles and doesn’t lay flat along my waist/where the rest of the belt is. Anyone else have this problem? Do you have a favorite brand or material that this doesn’t happen with? Thanks!

    1. Would love to hear if others have solutions for this. My only solution is to get a belt one size longer, punch some extra holes and then I have enough “tail” to tuck into the main part of the belt. You do end up with a little swoosh there, so it’s not perfect. I have used a rubber band on my thicker belts but it eventually put a divot into the belt.

    2. I buy belts that come in sizes and are actually small enough, so that the “tail” is only a hand’s width, even on the innermost setting.

       I quite like the Banana republic skinny belts that are meant to stay at the waist.

    3. Double-sided tape?

    4. Glad to hear I’m not the only one with this problem. Thanks for the BR tip – saw some on sale this weekend and ordered! And duh, double sided would be a great hack for my existing belts, thank you!!

    5. Love this belt, where the tail is inside. I have two: one I wear with the bow, one I cut the bow off and turn so the clasp is in the back, so it is just a patent line. I wear only dresses and wear this belt most days. Good luck!

       https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-patent-bow-belt/4517630?origin=coordinating-4517630-0-1-MOBI_FTR-recbot-recently_viewed_hybrid_snowplow_v1&recs_placement=MOBI_FTR&recs_strategy=recently_viewed_hybrid_snowplow_v1&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=category&recs_seed=0

       1. Awesome, thanks!

17. Does anyone have a Rothy’s discount code to share? TIA!

    1. Gladly! This is $20 off your first order. Use ebates for another 5%.

       https://share.rothys.com/x/WiRI41

18. Anyone quit big law early? When’s a good point to throw in the towel? I’m 6 months in and have alerts set up to find something better, but I also don’t know how I handle a job interview and explaining doing 3 years of law school to realize it’s just not for me.

    1. Working in Big Law isn’t synonymous with being a lawyer. It’s not crazy to job hunt after 6 months in Big Law, although I would encourage you to give it another 6 months because the first year is really hard. It is crazy to give up on being a lawyer completely without trying other legal jobs.

       1. +1 finding out that biglaw isn’t for you isn’t the same as saying law isn’t for you. I’d suggest giving it another 6 months just because the first year is so so hard so give it a little longer. I’d take that time to think about what you don’t like about your job, what (if anything) you like about your job, and what you want out of a job. Make sure you job search moving towards something rather than running away from something.

    2. I have a friend who left after 2 years.

    3. +1 for giving it another 6 months, or, even better, til January 2020 so you can list this job as “2018-2020” on your resume. Try to focus on all the good parts of Big Law and try to network as best you can while plotting your exit strategy.

    4. Thanks for the replies!

19. Anyone have an Allume referral code?

20. We are a family of 4 (two teen boys) who are going from CA to Boston for spring break (the first week of April). Boys have never been to New England — can you recommend best day trips from Boston for the quintessential New England experience? Like eating lobster in Maine, picturesque towns etc…

    thanks so much for any input! we are all active and love to move around and really LOVE food!!

    1. I’ve spent a lot of time in Boston and Maine. If you care about food and coastal Maine towns, I would highly encourage you to spend a few days in Portland Maine. Portland is doable as a daytrip from Boston, but it’s a long day and you won’t have time for side trips from Portland itself. Camden, Maine is a very quintessential Maine town that is an easy day trip from Portland. Portland is a fantastic food town and if you love to eat, you can definitely fill 3-4 days based there. If you do decide to visit Portland for more than a day, Portsmouth NH is a nice place to stop for a day on the drive from Boston to Portland.

       In Boston itself, I recommend a day trip to the Boston Harbor Islands, the Museum of Science, all the historical stuff, and of course lots of eating, especially seafood and Italian food in the North End. Duck boat tours are also popular.

       1. Thank you!
          We have 7 nights, I was thinking of doing all 7 in a VRBO in Boston, but would also like to do 4 nights Boston, 3 nights Maine. Only issue is that we fly out of Boston at 7am on the last Saturday….any suggestions for those logistics?

          1. I’d personally come back from Maine on Friday afternoon and stay at an airport hotel the night before your flight. But there’s no reason you couldn’t stay in central Boston that last night and just wake up a little earlier to get to the airport. If you don’t want to break the trip into three legs (Boston-Portland-Boston) you could head to Portland immediately after landing in Boston and then do the Boston leg all at once in the second half of the week. I’ve done that on a lot of vacations and it’s worked out well. Logan Airport is an easy (albeit slightly more expensive) place to pick up a rental car.

    2. You should definitely do the walk that shows the historical sites in Boston. I can’t remember what it is called. Paul Revere’s ride, one if by land two if by sea, all that business. And a meal at Faneuil Hall.

       1. This one. If you google it you will find all kinds of companies offering to sell you a walk on the freedom trail. Don’t fall for it. It’s free

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_Trail

    3. I recommend Portsmouth NH, a short drive from Boston. The coast of Maine will be dead in early April, but Portsmouth is more lively generally and very charming. I also highly recommend eating Italian in the North End of Boston.

    4. Don’t forget in your planning that Boston frequently has snow storms into mid-April!

21. I’m looking to replace absolute basics in my wardrobe – everyday underwear and socks. I’m looking for fun something comfortable and easy to wear, ideally mostly natural fibers (since polyester seems always winds up stuck to my skin uncomfortably.

    Anyone have thoughts?

22. I am trying to figure out how to carry/hold my new Samsung Galaxy Note 9. I was at a reception this week and my outfit did not have pockets that could hold my phone. It was very awkward and uncomfortable to try to hold my phone, and a drink, and to shake people’s hands. I would also love it if the solution included a place to store credit cards or a hotel room key.

    1. There’s a holster clip on Amazon for the Galaxy Note 9 that you can attach to the inside of your skirt, or directly to your panties. I use one for my iPhone XS and it stays put. Just make sure to be carful when you go to the toilet!

       https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GBJDBFC/ref=psdc_3081461011_t2_B07GCBNNHK

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