Weekend Open Thread

165 Comments

1. I have tried shower steamers from Amazon (not these), Etsy, and Anthropologie. And as much as I want to love them, because, as a shower-not-bath person, I love the concept, I can never smell them in the shower. They all smell terrific in the packaging, and then in the shower, it just fizzles away to nothing with no smell at all. I have tried putting multiple in at a time, putting the tablet in different places, everything. I just cannot get them to work as promised!

   1. Same.

   2. So i ordered these (and they came over the weekend!). I tried one last night. The scent was noticeable but not super strong. Lasted a while. I would recommend giving these a try!

2. Does anyone have any good or bad stories about cats and hardwood floors? Disaster? Totally fine? Depends on the floors?

   1. I have not had any problems with mine (I don’t know exactly what type of wood my floors are–maybe pine?). The carpet, though… that’s another story. I think dogs are actually a much bigger problem for hardwoods than cats.

   2. I’ve had I guess approximately 10 cats (never more than 3 at a time) all with hardwood floors. It id highly preferable for easy puke clean up and vacuuming of fur. The only bad part is the traction, sometimes I need to trim the fur between the cat toes otherwise they slip and slide when they’re running around.

   3. I have had zero issues with my cat and hardwood floors. She likes to scratch carpet, though.

   4. No issues at all, except that not that they are stained really, really dark, the white fur is SO visible and I vacuum a lot more often.

   5. Never even thought to worry about it.

   6. Thanks all. We already have the cats and are looking at moving from a carpeted rental to hardwood. I don’t really care about *my* floors, but don’t want the anxiety that maybe cat claws would destroy someone else’s. This is helpful.

   7. In my cat’s world, the hardwood floors are a disaster: if she takes a turn too fast or tries to sprint from a couch, she skids all over the place. Plus, they do not provide the lush feeling of the massive scratching pad, whoops, Oriental carpet that she really loves.

      1. This is one of my favorite funny cat memories: My cat galloping to the kitchen to make it there before I put her food down, trying to make a hard right into the kitchen and totally wiping out and sliding into the dining room, claws scrabbling for purchase on the hardwood. It. was. hilarious.

         1. Yeeeess…. so you know what I mean.

         2. This is my Labrador Every. Single. Day.

   8. I replaced the carpets in my prior home with medium darkness hardwood throughout – even in the bedrooms. I loved it, and my cat’s claws never damaged it. However, she had a UTI at one point while living there, and I caught what I thought was all of her accidents within a day, and they cleaned up beautifully. However, six months later when I moved out of the house, I found a spot sort of behind her litterbox enclosure that was hidden where she had obviously had an accident I had missed, and of course, the floor was stained behind repair. So, if your cat is prone to accidents, medical issues, hairballs, puking etc I’d be more worried about wet stains than claws.

      1. Yes, Dad had an issue like this with Rosa’s cat, Lunni. Lunni was Rosa’s first cat, and Rosa was very young, so she was not responsible to do anything relating to her cat’s hygiene, including changing the litter box. I was also little, so Grandma Trudy was in charge. Unfortuately, as I am told, Grandma Trudy went to a long weekend to the Catskills while Mom & Dad visited some relatives and no one changed the litter box for over a day. When Dad came into the dining room, he discovered that Lunni had peeed all over the place, but just outside the litter box, which was already too smelley by that point. The pee needless to say, also smelled VERY foul, but the acid in the pee also took the varnish off the dining room floor, and you could see just how and where Lunni let loose until Dad had the floors redone. Dad was livid at Lunni and threatened to cook her into the Veggie Chow Mein we ordered out that night. He eventually relented, but we will never forget how one little pussy cat like Lunni could make such a lasting impreession on our noses and hearts at the same time. FOOEY on Lunni!

   9. Last house had dark hardwood (walnut) and got scratched like crazy with 3 cats running around. So many scratches that it almost looked like part of the finish. But I wouldn’t recommend that kind of wood with cats. Wood-look tile is much less high-maintenance and you don’t have to worry about water damage.

   10. My cat loves to run around and it’s harder on hard floors. I moved into a flat with carpet and she’s so happy.

3. I keep getting these tiny red dots on my skin – Dr. Google says cherry anginomas? I can’t find anything for how to prevent them or make them go away, though. I’ve never been to a dermatologist. I’m 30. Is this a normal thing I just need to live with? I don’t notice them on other women but I’m starting to feel funny in sleeveless shirts as I probably have 8-10 on my arms.

   1. Are you sure it’s not petechiae? The google image results make them look like raised rashes/inflamed spots, but for me, they are tiny pinpricks like a dot of red pen. If that’s what you have, you should call your doctor and get a blood count done.

   2. If it’s possible they’re petechiae, there are some labs they can do to make sure your blood is healthy.

   3. All the women in my family have them myself included. It doesn’t bother me and I can’t imagine anyone else notices. Doesn’t your mom have them?

   4. I have a few of those. They’re harmless. You can’t prevent them and you should not try to remove them yourself. You can get them removed by a dermatologist if they are bothering you — they can laser or freeze them off.

      Believe me, other people do have them!

   5. I have cherry anginomas and I have to say I’ve never been bothered by them in the slightest. They’re normal and harmless and removing them surgically is unnecessary. I’ve had mine since I was a kid though…are you sure you don’t have a rash?

   6. These are annoying. I started getting them on my chest a couple years ago. My PCP froze them for me and that worked for 3 out of 4 of them! I plan to get them frozen again if more show up. As far as I know they aren’t worsened with sun expose, just a result of genetics and aging.

   7. I have them too. The dermatologist assures me they are very common, often hereditary (I remember my grandfather had them but not either of my parents) and the tend to multiple as you age. Truthfully, I never think about them.

   8. Oh I have these. I’ve never given them a second thought after I discovered the first one (my mom has them too). They’re like freckles. Sidestory: my son is 3 and had no freckles until recently. He thought mine were funny/weird and FREAKED out when he found his first freckle on his body. It was so entertaining. I calmly explained to him that it’s normal to have freckles and showed him mine and his dad’s for the hundredth time.

   9. I got half a dozen on my abdomen seemingly overnight when I turned thirty. My dermatologist said it was unusual to have so many but they’re harmless. I do feel self conscious about them too, but it is what it is.

   10. You can remove them with a laser but it can be expensive.

   11. I have a million. Mainly abdomen, a couple on my face. At some point I might think about trying to get them removed but my derm is not concerned. I’ve always had a couple but definitely increasing with age… late 30s now.

   12. Rosa has these and she said not to worry about them. But you should not rely on Rosa or Google. Once the coronavirus is over, see your dermatologist and she will be able to diagnose for you. My Dad warned me early never to let anything medical get unlooked at. None of us are MD’s other then MD’s, and we need MD’s to make proper diagnoses of medical issues. Not even WebMD is suficent when your health is at steak. Good luck to you!

4. We have this beautiful wide nature trail behind our house that very few people walk because it is a rural area. Two days ago, I walked it with my dogs and came across water springing up from the ground. It smelled terrible and there was what looked like wet paper around it. By the time we realized it was a sewer leak, we had walked through the puddle across the trail and had to walk around it to get back home. I called the sewer department and reported the leak. I walked out the next day and it was all cleaned up and fixed.

   My neighbor also walked through it with her dog. Her dog actually rolled his neck in it because he was off leash before she realized what it was. She feels fine and her dog feels fine.

   Yesterday and today me, both my dogs and my cat have had GI issues. I’m extremely nauseous and gassy. All three pets have vomited, are not eating much, and one has had loose stool outside. If this was something from the sewage, my neighbor and her dog would be sick too, right? I’m feeling like a paranoid hypochondriac. I don’t know if I should reach out to the vet, my doctor or both. My cat wasn’t on the trail with us but he’s been around us.

   I’m just so grossed out. What’s worse is it is along a river and I bet some of that sewage ended up in the river.

   Everyone one seems okay, just a little green so I think I am going to take a watch and wait approach. Luckily I have leftover Zofran from a procedure that is helping me get through whatever is going on. It might not even be related!

   1. I would call the vet and ask what they recommend. I’d be a bit more concerned about them than you – if only because pets can’t tell you when something is really wrong and tend to hide pain well. Most vets will want to see dogs (I don’t have cats, but assume it’s similar) if they’ve had vomiting/loose stool for over 24 hours assuming there are no other issues and they’re no longer a puppy.

      1. Everyone ate dinner tonight!! Woo hoo!

5. My husband is a complainer/negative and I would like to talk to him about it. I’m a bit cynical (Gen X!), but am generally a positive person.
   His main gripe is his job. In all the time I have known him, he has never had a job he likes, despite switching many times. He says he doesn’t like his field at all (a specific corporate function). I think he looks for too much personal meaning in his job, so when he has to do rote or boring tasks it really bothers him. He is also bothered by the fact his company is struggling financially in his view, but he has said that about every company he has worked at so I take it with a grain of salt. I have told him to go out and do something else he prefers to do since we can afford it, but he doesn’t seem to have any ideas.
   But he also complains about other stuff. We recently bought a condo in an HCOL, but it doesn’t seem like it is good enough for him. It is objectively nice, but I agree it is not very quiet – it is in a dense urban neighborhood, so I am not sure what he expected (he wanted to live in dense urban area to be close to stuff, I was cool with that, but probably would have chosen the canyons if I were buying alone). Also angrily complains about small things, like the door our front door makes when it opens or how we can hear our neighbor’s water turn on sometimes.
   Also complains about his car and how it is uncomfortable/too low to the ground. Backstory on this is I bought myself an M3, and gave it to him since his commute is longer. So I drive my old car I had before the M3, an aged 20+ year hooptie with no AC. So this one really gets me.
   Any advice on dealing with this and telling him how this makes me feel? Generally it brings me down, and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. I also feel sad that he is unhappy. Aside from the complaining, he is otherwise a good partner – can be veryfun to be with and is very sweet (when not doing this). It’s like a weird switch is flipped and he goes from sweet and fun to intense complaining.

   1. Ok for the love of Pete take your fancy car back! Oh you don’t like it? No problem it is mine you can drive old car.

      Tbh I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this. Some people are just miserable. But you can stop bending over backwards to accommodate him and you can say things like “stop whining about the house! A- we knew it was in an urban area and B- you’re annoying me!”

      1. +1. Definitely take your car back! And remind him that his job doesn’t define him (I myself am working on internalizing this). I do what I do because I’m good at it, it pays well, and the hours are flexible, but it’s not the most important thing about me — nor does it need to be.

   2. Has he always been like that? I don’t know if you get him to change easily if he’s been like that the entire time you’ve known him. It sounds like a problem that warrants a professional to help you two communicate about it and maybe help your husband get over it a little bit.

      1. I was like the OP’s husband because that’s the conversation pattern I learned from my family of origin. I’m very grateful my partner (kindly) told me how awful it was and I’ve gotten much better.

         I just wish someone had told me when I was much younger.

   3. Next time he complains about driving YOUR car, say “oh, in that case, I’ll start commuting in that one and we can look for a pre-owned to replace the old car.” That would absolutely stick in my craw.
      I don’t have other advice aside from therapy – together and separately.

      1. I get like your husband when I’m mildly depressed. I went through a rough period in my 20s/early 30s but after I started to feel better about my life, I stopped being so irritated about everything.

      2. I swear my husband probably thought I was just a grumpy person for a few years before I finally got my dream job.

      3. My husband had similar issues and what he learned is that he has low grade depression which lead him to think negatively (negative thought patterns). He identified and worked on it on his own. He went to therapy and actively works on developing positive thought patterns to re-wire his brain.

   4. Nothing too substantive to add, but I think it’s really awesome you bought yourself an M3! And also GET THAT BACK! No one buys an M3 and then DOESN’T want to drive it!

   5. I feel like I wrote your post. Like, seriously, I had this moment of recognition where I was like, wait, did I actually write this?

      I’m also married to a chronic complainer. especially the work thing, my husband has never had a job he liked (except in hindsight, which drives me even battier.)

      We’ve been married for 20 years, what can I tell you? It’s a price of admission I guess. He’s a super awesome husband in other ways. The thing that works for me is a lot of ignoring. That sounds cold but honestly, he is not looking for me to fix things, he just wants to vent. And I am a big fixer. So if it’s the fourteenhundredth time he’s complaining about his coworker Greg or the fact that his boss is a p—sy who doesn’t stand up to management or the stupidity of senior management, I just kind of uh huh and tune him out. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

      I’m not saying we never fight about stuff. There are times when I’ve simply had enough, like there are times where I need to talk about an actual, new problem in need of a solution and he counters with his usual gripes about his own job. I have to tell him that I need him to listen to me, and this is not a comparison game. But usually he’s sorry and then does listen and help like a supportive partner.

      It also helps that my husband recognizes he’s a complainer. Is your husband self aware enough to realize that about himself?

      1. +1 It is like I wrote your post myself. Married 20+ years to a complainer who is never happy with his job, house, car, etc. It is simply not possible for him to be content.

      2. My husband luckily doesn’t complain about everything, but does about jobs nonstop. It has gotten to the point in the past where there were nights I would hear him come home earlier than expected and realize I actually felt bummed about it, which isn’t good. For me, the complaining would often come after a long day of me being at work, and us taking care of/putting to bed the kids, and would lead right up to me going to bed, leaving me miserable & with no enjoyable time in the day. If I tried to cut him off or other similar actions, then I was the insensitive selfish one. (!!??!! Okay, to be fair sometimes I probably didn’t do it in the nicest way, but, ugh). I agree with a few others that this might take a quick session or two with a therapist for you to both fully explain and hear each other out about what is going on in each one’s mind, in a safe place where it won’t lead to a fight. We had to. The therapist can also help you come up with reasonable methods/limits to impose in real life so he can feel heard without dumping on you all the time. I remember some of the key ways I would explain it to him is that by the time of day we got to where he started in complaining, I simply had nothing more mentally to give in that day for something like that.

         Good luck.

      3. I also feel like I wrote your post. I think my DH gets it from his family of origin as well – literally never heard my in-laws joyful about something. I’ve accepted that I don’t think he will actually ever be happy – there will always be something to fix in his life, and he can’t enjoy what he has. He won’t do therapy.

         I also realized that he just likes to complain to make his displeasure known, even if he doesn’t want to fix it. I am a fixer. For example, when he complained about not liking something in the house, I gave him the contractor’s phone number and told him to call and have it changed. He never did. The next time he complained, I said, either fix it or stop complaining about it, I don’t care. He complains about his job but won’t look for a new one. I finally said, it’s obviously not bad enough for you to leave, stop complaining.

         When the monologues get really bad, I insist that he take 5 minutes to say positive things. That usually helps reframe his mindset and help him realize that he’s spiraling.

      4. Yep. Is your husband my husband too?
         He places way too much value in what he does for a living (that he hates but there is truly nothing wrong with it even by his own admission.
         It’s a lot of whining and woe is me about silly stuff while I’m out here trying to keep the household running.
         What helped us most is first off, I give him some space to complain occasionally. I also reach my breaking point periodically and just tell him I need some space away from the negativity.
         The biggest thing was getting him to admit his is a source of his unmanaged anxiety and depression and getting on some medication. It has majorly helped level him off. He doesn’t complain every single day anymore. Now that the weathers nice here, he’s also able to do some of the outdoor hobbies he enjoys. It reminds him that his work is not his whole life.
         I know it’s hard to deal with this. I love my husband to pieces and he is the best part of my life, but it took some trial and error to figure out ways to cope that are most effective for both of us. Like the poster above, I’m a fixer so I had to learn he just wants to be heard and not me to fix it. We had to have several long conversations over a glass of wine about how we both should act when he’s feeling whiny

   6. Lots of good advice up above. I’m not generally a complainer (I think!), but I went through a period where I complained about work a lot. My husband pointed it out to me (nicely), and proposed that I limit my complaining about work to 5 minutes. This worked; we didn’t look at clocks or set timers, but I was certainly aware of my complaining and limited it, and more importantly, it nudged me to be mindful of good things that were happening at work and talk about them too. You might try something like that with your husband. For me, what was important was my husband telling me that it depressed him to hear me complain so much.

   7. If he agrees that he would like to complain less, he might want to check this out: https://www.willbowen.com/complaintfree/

      Otherwise you will need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or a price of admission. And in any event, for sure take your nice car back!!

   8. I had a big conversation with my husband recently because of the complaining. Without getting into the details, I told him that I was no longer willing to discuss his unhappiness with X or what he wants to be different until he’s ready to discuss the realistic options we have for fixing X. It may be a bit harsh, but every time he complains, it feels like I’m not good enough because I can’t give him the sun, moon, AND stars.

      1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvfbFdAJiYQ

         1. Haha, thanks for the laugh.

      2. I particularly feel “I told him that I was no longer willing to discuss his unhappiness with X or what he wants to be different until he’s ready to discuss the realistic options we have for fixing X.” That seems like a good starting point.
         Also thanks for all the good advice – had no idea this was so common.
         And also, the car. Good grief. I have suggested that we buy a used SUV (M3 was used too!), and he take that and I’ll take the M3. But he says he doesn’t want to spend the money. LOL. That fits so well with the above – not finding solutions and just complaining. Not that he would care about me spending money to get a new car, but I honestly don’t care to replace the old one because my commute is less than 5 min and I am into the whole FIRE thing. And we have a deal that if I need to drive further I take the nice car. Also not convinced that buying a new car for him would make him happy anyways, so seems like a waste of money to me too.

         1. That’s a great point. I bet a million dollars a new car wouldn’t make him happy.

         2. Yes, I have more time for detail now, and in our case, the latest issue is the kitchen remodel. When we bought our house, we spent $50K less on it than a comparable house we were looking at, with the understanding that we’d spend money we have in savings to renovate it (rather than using the same money for a down payment). We have the money sitting in an account, but he got cold feet about using it. Well, in that case, we can sell our rental property, which we have about $80K in equity. Or DH could get a job, at least when Kiddo can go back to school, and presumably he’d earn enough to pay to renovate the kitchen in a year or two. But, good Lord, don’t complain that you hate the kitchen when you won’t part with the cash that was set aside to buy a house, won’t sell something else, and won’t get a job. Sorry my single income isn’t enough to pay our mortgage, put our kid through daycare, keep up with all the other expenses, and finance your dream kitchen.

            To be fair, he hasn’t mentioned it again, and our kitchen DOES suck.

            1. Um, this is very different than just the complaining! Dude needs to get a job, any job, or do all the home things. But sitting around complaining about nonsense? No. My husband is having a really rough time with all the pandemic and lockdown stuff, and I’ve had a few times where I’ve just told him that X is a BS thing to say or that nope, this conversation is a tough-love conversation. I’ve literally let him cry in my lap (he is not a crier, ever), and I reassure him and I do nice things for him according to his love language. But when he starts saying he’s useless or dumb or whatever I shut that right down. So I think there’s a time for “helping” and there’s a time for a kick in the pants. You’re at kick-in-the-pants time, IMO.

            2. DH does all the home things, which right now includes full time childcare, but in normal times includes lots of appointments for our special needs child. He doesn’t sit around all day. He COULD have a full-time job again after this pandemic is over, and we could go back to having a part-time nanny, a housekeeper, lawn service, etc., and we’d probably have more money and less time at the end of the day. I don’t really care if he does that or not. But it’s one of 3 options for paying for a kitchen. If he chooses none of the 3 options, I just don’t want to hear about the kitchen anymore.

            3. I used to be married to a guy like this. Nothing ever got done because nothing was ever good enough for him. I’d run all around and find all these great options and he’d shoot them all down.

               Finally, at the very end, I wised up and just did what I wanted and it was fine. So my suggestion is that you just make a decision about the kitchen and make it happen.

            4. DH is the cook (and a very good one!) and does 90% of the cleaning during normal times. I don’t really care whether we renovate the kitchen. I’m just tired of hearing about how bad it is and how unhappy it makes him.

               He oversaw a kitchen remodel in our old house, and it turned out fantastic. He’s capable. He just doesn’t want to deal with the financial piece of it (and we don’t have enough money that either one of us can make unilateral decisions about a $50K project).

   9. My husband is very similar but luckily he enjoys his job now most days. Complains about everything else though, and likes to speak in hyperbole like a damn drama queen. He is a great partner otherwise and we make a great team most of the time – he agrees and loves this about us. So I try to tell him rather than complain (which helps nothing) let’s figure out how to fix things together, because we are brilliant and can fix anything, because we make the best team (reminding him with evidence helps). This helps snap him out of his spiral of complaints – not always, but the more I say it the more it seems he is buying into it and is at least willing to complain less. And then for all other times I just ignore him. Also agree therapy and reframing thoughts might help, and I’m hoping my husband will be willing to try that soon. I also go to therapy for anxiety and he’s seen how that’s helped me, so that’s encouraging for him.

   10. My husband is similar. Very negative. He also has an anxiety disorder and I think a lot of the complaining is a release valve for anxious feelings. Still… it brings me down and I don’t know how to approach it either.

6. I posted this really late on the earlier thread, so reposting here in case someone finds it helpful!

   I’ve seen several posts recently about shorts, so here’s my PSA that I hope will help someone who is in the mid-sized range, which isn’t always the easiest to buy for.

   For reference: I’m a size 10/12 with curvy hips and athletic thighs from running and biking. As I always say, though, I have thighs at any size. ;) Booty is average-sized. With my body type, I almost always need a size 12 in shorts. I can sometimes squeeze into a 10 but they’re usually way too tight for my comfort level. That’s a lot of fabric up in there, if you get my drift. So. I start with a 12 and size down if needed. I wear shorts all summer with tees and tanks; I just am not a dress person for casual wear. I’m 5’8″ and take a 4″ or 5″ inseam.

   Here are some of my favorites:
   – Athleta Cabo Linen short, size 12. Super comfy, lightweight fabric, elastic waist. My absolute favorite for hot days. They stretch out a bit over the course of the day, but I wouldn’t want them any tighter. Unfortunately, Athleta no longer stocks as many colors as it used to. Boo. If they phase these out, I will be so disappointed.
   – Eddie Bauer boyfriend jean short, size 10. Mine are a couple of years old, so sizing might’ve changed, but these really did run big. It’s a lightweight, stretchy jean fabric, so it’s still really wearable when it’s hot. You can cuff them, unroll them, whatever works for you.
   – Old Navy chino shorts, size 12. This year’s version has a higher rise, even though it claims to be mid-rise. Good color selection, cheap. Not much stretch. They are narrower through the thighs than my Athleta and EB shorts. They aren’t my favorites but I usually buy 1-2 new pairs every year for the color choices. (this year: red! yay!) They are cotton and will shrink, though, so be careful with the dryer.
   – Target chino shorts, size 12. RIP Merona; they’re now under the A New Day label. Good, basic shorts; not expensive. They aren’t quite as narrow in the leg as the ON chinos. This year’s colors are very earthy if that’s your thing. ON’s are brighter.
   – LOFT is worth a try. All my LOFT linen shorts are so old that my advice wouldn’t apply anymore, but the fact that they’re holding strong probably says something good!

   ON linen shorts were a disaster. They are sized S, M, L, XL. Mediums were too tight for linen, and the larges were droopy in the seat. It was not a good look. Plus the fabric was rough. I had the same experience with the Target linen shorts. YMMV.

   For ultra-casual wear, I’m a fan of the Adidas 4″ running short (looove the wide waistband) and the Eddie Bauer amphibian short. They look frumpy online but I swear they are so flattering IRL. They sell out fast, though.

   1. Chiming in as well with as a thick-thighs-avg-butt lady to recommend the Caroline chino shorts from the Crown & Ivy line at Belk. They come out of the wash a teeny bit snug, but stretch out just the right amount and are thick enough not to show cellulite. Different inseams available and they’re always on sale.

   2. As a size 16 with giant thighs that tend to eat shorts, I second the rec for Old Navy 5 inch shorts. I can also get away with shorts that are labeled 3 or 3.5 because the rise is usually longer for higher sizes (check the measurements in the item description). I also really like their denim shorts which I wear way more often than chino ones, because I feel very mumsy in chino.

   3. This is so helpful, thank you! I think I am built similar to you; 5’8 and hover around a size 8 but even when going up a size in shorts my thighs look awful.

   4. Thank you for posting this!! I also have larger thighs and flatter bottom. I used to love my ON chino shorts; the waist hit the top of my hip bone and had a short zipper, which is how I prefer my shorts and pants. The ones I bought this year have a longer zipper, come up higher, and the legs are narrower. I don’t need narrower legs!! I kept them because they’re good enough and I hate shopping. But I wish the cuts hadn’t changed. I may try some of your other suggestions.
      For reference for others: I’m 5’9″, 150 lbs and the size 6 is a little big and the size 4 is a little snug (size 4 fits when we aren’t in COVID and I weigh more like 148).

   5. Thanks for posting this. I’m on the hunt for shorts with functional pockets this summer, preferably ones that zip – getting really tired of pockets with such an angled entry that you can’t even hold a chapstick in there. I’ll post again if I find anything good.

   6. This is helpful. I literally do not wear shorts – it’s either linen pants, skirts, or running shorts – because my thighs are so, er, muscular (that’s it…), my butt is average, and my waist is small. Also 5’8.

   7. Thanks you for this list. I own only one pair of shorts from old navy and I’d love to branch out, especially for super hot days when I go for 8 km + walks in the summer.

      I wear exclusively dresses and skirts in the summer with cotton leggings that I cut and shortened to wear under ( to prevent chaffing and perspiration) and as much as I love and will continue wearing dresses and skirts, I wouldn’t mind one more pair of shorts for days when even two lightweight layers feels like too much. I just ordered tencel shorts that look like an a line skirt from a distance from banana— I’m not sure how they will look as I sized up knowing they may shrink. They may work or look like a hot mess..sigh…finding shorts for me is so hard, which is why I gravitate to dresses and skirts.

      1. OP here! Also look at the Calia line at D!ck’s Sporting Goods. They have a lot of stuff that falls into the category you’re talking about — really lightweight, good for walks, but not full-on running shorts. I tried on a few pairs last summer and liked them but I was binging on running clothes and couldn’t justify casual shorts at the time. ;)

         1. Thanks for the suggestion— I’m in Canada, but I will check those out online!

7. Talk to me about swingsets suburbanites! We just moved out of NYC and are looking at the prospect of no camps this summer and continued social distancing. My kids are struggling because they’ve moved to a new place and can’t even begin the process of making new friends because of quarantine, which is just adding to their anxiety.

   We want to surprise them with a Swingset this summer. We’ve decided on a CedarWorks model that will hopefully work for them now (3 and 4 years old) and grow with them for the next 5 years or so. What do you put underneath the Swingset so the grass doesn’t get gross? My husband really wants to do AstroTurf. Does anyone have any good design blogs or resources to point me to? Our house has really pretty mature landscaping and I want to blend this in as much as possible with the natural elements around the house (so not a massive rectangle of woodchips).

   Thank you!

   1. We got a Cedar Summit set from Home Depot a few years back. (I think they’ve rebranded now.) It has a rock wall climb to a tower with a simple slide down, a play area under the tower, and space for 3 swings. It’s held up really well – we got the kind with a wooden canopy over the tower and that’s held up to several years of windy seasons. We didn’t put astroturf down and probably should have, but we put rubber mulch in the open bottom of the tower part and that’s held up well.

      The space for 3 swings has been key. We’ve had various combinations of regular swings, baby swing, a two-kid glider, a simple rope swing (like a circle disc on the end of a rope), and a rings/bar combo and it’s expanded the useful life of the swingset a ton.

   2. Where we live, everyone puts mulch under the swingset. Much softer than grass or astroturf when a kid falls.

   3. Honestly, the box of timbers with mulch in it will probably work better than turf. My turf friends say it is expensive and perhaps not as up to roughhousing as mulch. And I think that the shredded tire mulch is much better for this. Just not sand. It becomes a litter box.

      1. That shredded tire mulch is the devil. You will never, ever get it all up when you get rid of the swingset or sell the house to someone who doesn’t want a 10*20 patch of their yard that smells like old rubber on a summer day. I can’t articulate how much I hate that stuff.

         1. It is the devil, yes. But it is springier than anything else. Maybe the wood chip mulch would be the best alternative (vs shredded wood mulch, which needs more frequent refreshes and just becomes dirt if you live in a rainy area (this is good for plants, but not otherwise)).

            1. Shredded tire is also highly toxic and has been shown to have a positive correlation with elevated leukemia rates in children who spend a lot of time near or in it (athletic fields, etc.). PLEASE do not expose your growing children to this unless you can help it. Google the ingredients in tires. Many are highly toxic. Please don’t. I’m normally not a “but there are CHEMICALS in that”-type person, but…there really are some bad chemicals in that.

   4. We do playground mulch. Some of our fancier neighbors do rubber chips like the kind you get at Costco, but my husband didn’t want that stuff because of marks or smell or something, I forget.

      Whatever playset you get make sure it’s weatherproof (and see what upkeep is). Ours is the Gorilla Malibu II Deluxe and it was supposedly weatherproof but still looks like crap after a year because we didn’t seal it that first year. We paid someone about $800 to assemble it for us.

   5. Don’t put sand which was what was under our swing set. It tracks back into the house and any cats passing by see it as a litter box. We ended up laying sod down under it a few years ago and have been much happier. Our soil is fairly sandy as is so it doesn’t seem as hard and we are using a durable turf grass. If an area gets worn out, you can always lay a few new sod pieces to patch.
      I don’t like the shredded tire mulch personally. It smells and get pretty warm to the touch.

   6. Eh, we’ve just kept the grass and it doesn’t seem to be too terrible. Most of our neighbors do either grass or mulch. No gravel or sand; it just gets everywhere.

8. What’s your favorite good way of getting out violent energy? Like a big hanging punching bag? Furious about a billing CF I have to pay attention to today.

   1. Exercise. Screaming.

   2. I find a bunch of good screaming/belting songs on spotify and just let it rip, no matter how bad my voice is.

   3. Sledgehammer to tile floor that I hate… getting out aggression and clearing out the tile to put in a new floor…

   4. ugh, really there with you being frustrated at the cha cha cha that is my hiring process…uuugggghhh

9. In case this is helpful:

   I go out all the time (essential person, have not managed to grocery shop infrequently, frequent to-go orders). I often wear giant long-sleeved t-shirts. I can pull the sleeves over my hands to avoid touching doorknobs, etc. or use the bottom of the shirt as a grabber. It is easy to change when I get home and I don’t have to worry as much about places having wipes / cleaning between door users / etc. My mask gift from parents is still en-route so I use a multi-folded buff when I need to go inside the stores and my allergy shot place (requested as one, as a courtesy to nervous workers at the other).

   I take my temp daily (request from shot place) and have been OK. Of my household of 3, 2 are kids home from grade school and spouse is a nervous person who I think has been to the store 2x since early March.

   My city of >1M is a hotspot in my state, but 30% of the spread and most of the deaths are coming from nursing homes from what I’ve read in the paper. Hospitals seem to have plenty of ICU beds and vents (which it seems aren’t as helpful as originally thought and may actually be harmful to these patients).

   1. I’m still getting away with wearing a coat (rain coat) in my area for the same reason — I use it to open the freezer doors for where the milk, frozen foods etc. are kept. IDK what I’m going to do as it gets hotter as I like having an external layer on me but obviously it’d look weird and be hot to go out in a coat; so maybe a long sleeve t shirt. I realize this isn’t a skin thing but walking around in bare arms/legs in t shirts or shorts feels odd.

      1. I think that for me, a large men’s cut t-shirt can still be used as a grabber when L/S tees aren’t weather appropriate (e.g., this weekend, in the 80s). I have some 6″ shorts, so will just look boxy for a while, but that is OK. The trimmer-fitting cuter clothes will just have to wait. Or be for at-home wear.

      2. It doesn’t look fashionable, but I tie a sweater jacket around my waist & use the sleeves to grab door handles etc.

10. Should I have a gin and tonic or a cosmo for my Friday after work drink today? My husband and loyal mixologist bought the stuff for both yesterday after I had expressed wanting one at various times over the past week or two. Hmm.

    1. I’m only slightly confused as to why you can’t have both! It’s not like you’re going anywhere.. ;)

       1. I like how you think.

       2. I think this question is which one she has first. Do you go for the carbonation in the tonic before the cosmo, or do you go for the sweetness of the cosmo before the G&T?

          1. In that case, I would start off with the fancier cosmo, and finish with a (some?) G&T. I always like to start with my fancier drink so I can enjoy it the most!

             1. I support this plan.

       3. Haha I like where your head is at, Carmen Sandiego!

    2. I vote for the cosmo, but that’s because I think both gin and tonic taste like nasty medicine and are even worse together.

    3. Cosmo, hands down.

    4. it’s balmy where I am which means it is definitely G&T time

       1. + quinine

    5. I’ve been a fan of the lazy dirty martini lately. Lazy because I don’t have vermouth so it’s just two shots of vodka with a shot of olive juice shaken on ice in a fancy glass. Delicious.

    6. Along these lines, what are everyone’s favorite whiskey cocktails? Going to my parents and wondering if I should make a Manhattan or something.

       1. Manhattans are great.

          I also like a nice Old Fashioned: Bourbon (or rye), simple syrup, bitters, stir. Add ice, fill to the top with more whiskey, garnish with a twist of orange.

       2. I love Manhattans. We also make Boulevardiers (a Negroni with bourbon instead of gin) and old fashioned frequently. We make them less frequently, but I also love mint juleps and whiskey sours.

    7. Cosmo. I just bought the ingredients for the Ina G Cosmo because it looks soooo good!

    8. I started making gimlets for the first time this week and have become a big fan. That is my vote.

       1. I love gimlets! I was planning on having a G&T but might start with that and then make a gimlet.

    9. gin and tonic. Though tomorrow I’m drinking mint juleps, since it would, in a normal year, be Derby Day.

    10. Both.

        But if seriously only one or the other I would do a gin and tonic if it’s a warm day and you can do it outside before dinner.

        Otherwise cosmo, which would be good before or after dinner.

        If after dinner, definitely the cosmo. A gin and tonic is just not an after dinner/in the dark drink.

        Me, I’d do g&t before dinner and cosmo after, because it’s Friday.

        1. In other news, boy do I have opinions on cocktails, apparently.

11. If you started a new job last fall, and that position is uncertain due to COVID19, would you proactively start job hunting now (as opposed to waiting for a layoff)? Given you’ve been there less than 1 year, would you explain this in your cover letter and/or resume?

    1. I feel like no explanations are needed for any of this stuff now. Everybody gets it.

       1. +1 I think this is a time where everyone looking at job applications assumes (waves in general direction of the entire world) is the reason for the job search

12. Talk to me about DC suburbs! My husband and I are looking at a relocation for his job – luckily my job has an office in DC. It’s also much closer to our family, so we’re looking at it as a long term move. We have two kids – 2 and 4 and are looking at one office downtown and another in Old Town. We’ll likely do private school for the kids, as the 4 year old is in private preschool right now, so schools aren’t an immediate issue for us, but we want a community feel with a small yard and the ability to walk to at least some things. We like the look of many of the North West DC suburbs – Wesley Heights, Spring Valley, etc, but also like the look of Del Ray, etc – with our commutes, one or the other doesn’t seem obvious from afar? We’re coming from SF, so everything looks cheap to us comparatively right now, and will likely be working with a substantial budget – up to $2m or so. Does anyone have favorite suburbs? We also are so used to paying an arm and a leg for housing, we’d love to spend less, but we don’t have a good metric for even what’s a reasonable budget. TIA!

    1. Many of the really fancy private schools are in NW DC or Montgomery County MD (Sidwell, Cathedral, Georgetown Prep, etc), so that are will be good for you if a prestigious school is important. Otherwise I would pick Del Rey or even (with your budget) Old Town Alexandria if you’re looking for walkable charming neighborhoods and much lower taxes than DC or MoCo. Amazon is coming to Crystal City, so if you buy in VA your investment has a good chance of rising over the years as they staff up with many thousands of highly paid workers looking for a short commute.

       1. A side comment – make sure you look at tuition at those schools (hovering just under the $50,000 per kid per year mark right now, not including after-care and sports which will run you another $5k each). DC private schools can be more expensive than people expect, even when they are coming from other large US cities.

          Source: went to a cheaper DC area private school, back in 90s before the prices shot up

    2. You’re describing two different lifestyles there. NW DC and Del Ray aren’t populated by the same people. NW DC has an old-money, silver spoon vibe that can very quickly turn exclusive and pretentious. Del Ray is for young families with two working parents with comfortable but not elite incomes (think two gov’t lawyers, not BigLaw partners).

       NoVA public schools are by-and-large very good and you don’t need to send your children to private school – I don’t know anyone who does. DC public schools are their own animal, and I’ve heard good things about certain charter schools, but you’d really have to carefully research.

       I’m very partial to Alex, having lived there myself for years. Honestly, anything east of Holmes Run (a creek), south of 395, and north of 495 would be good. Belle Haven, just south of 495, is also a lovely area. But if you want to be in a more elite area, look to NW DC.

       1. OMG Belle Haven is so pretty. I had no idea it exited until I went to a party out there (modest house). But I am not sure I’d commute from there to DC unless there is a secret back way that doesn’t involve 395 and its HOV-3 restrictions.

          I lived off of Spout Run in N. Arlington (Courthouse metro) and loved it. North of 66 is leafy and a bit quieter, but a 3/2 Cape Cod is like ~1M if renovated but you can walk to a ton of stuff (MOM organic market, the Italian Store, etc.). Off of Lorcom isn’t necessarily less expensive (and could be more) but you are committed to driving (which I loathed — DC traffic made me regret having stick shift).

          1. Commuting from Belle Haven is a bit long than from Old Town but not terrible. GW parkway or Hwy 1 into DC.

    3. My friends actually use the public schools in North Arlington and Del Ray. I have no DC friends with school-aged kids. Even if you don’t go the public school route, it will matter for resale. I prefer North Arlington b/c of the metro access but my Del Ray friends swear by it.

       I had no friends living in Alex and I moved to the area and love it on weekends to visit.

    4. I grew up in Northwest DC and went to private school up until moving to McLean, VA for high school (attended public). Overall I *loved* growing up in D.C. We lived east of the parkway (my family did not have the housing budget that you describe for yours) Petworth/Crestwood/16th Heights area, which was definitely a little bit “rougher” than the neighborhoods west. A lot of my classmates from more well-off families lived in Tenleytown, Cleveland Park, Chevy Chase and it was completely different – we ran amock in the neighborhoods, rode bikes in the street, etc. It was a great childhood. I also had a few friends that lived in Capitol Hill. A little bit less of a suburban feel, but definitely more of a city feel and upringing. DC has changed a lot since I grew up there and it’s definitely more rare for people with kids to live in the city, but I did and I loved it, and there are definitely a lot of people raising children in these neighborhoods. If you have the budget I’d give those neighborhoods a shot! Also from my time as an adult in DC having to drive to Virginia even remotely during rush hour is a punishment worse than death and I would never have subjected myself to that. BLEH.

13. How far in advance are flights typically canceled due to COVID? I’m supposed to go to NYC in late May. I’m obviously not going and I can get a voucher from the airline if I cancel today, but I would prefer for the airline to cancel the flight so I can get a cash refund, if that’s still a possibility. Just wondering how long I should wait before canceling my flight myself.

    1. Just an FYI your flight might not be cancelled. There are some flights which are considered essential and being subsidized to fly.

    2. My flight from NYC to Florida about 2 weeks ago never got cancelled, although all the other flights that week did (I guess they were consolidating them?). I held off cancelling until they told me it was time to check in. Since the worst that happens is you end up with the voucher anyways, I suggest waiting until about 2 days before.

    3. Unless there’s something odd about your ticket or airline, you ought to be able to cancel for a voucher/credit pretty much up until the last minute, just like prior the pandemic. So you could wait until just a few days before, and then check to see if their airline has indeed been running your flight, and then cancel then if need be. If you’re lucky the airline will cancel in the interim.

    4. EU regulation more than 15 days or they have to give you a compensation. My airline cancelled 20 days in advance each way of my international flights Europe/America. The previous week it was sending me e-mails ofering re-scheduling and vouchers but I prefered to wait until they cancelled in order to have the right to get the money back no vouchers.

    5. We had tickets for a trip in April that we knew we weren’t going on, and we could cancel up to 24 hours before the flight was supposed to take off, so we called at that point. As it so happened, the airline had cancelled the flight anyway so we got the credit of the ticket. In general, you’re right to let them wait and cancel it, but call your specific airline to see how far in advance you need to cancel in case they don’t cancel it. (This was AA.)

14. I’m the poster from this morning who was upset that her office is opening Monday. It gets better. They will take my temperature at the door because I’m a contractor, which is fine but THEY’RE NOT TAKING THE TEMPERATURE OF ANY PERMANENT EMPLOYEES. What the serious eff. I’m holding out for unemployment otherwise I’d quit today.

    1. That’s awful, and I’m sorry.

    2. That’s just irrational. WTF, man?

       1. Permanent employees have different ACE2 receptors. Scientific fact.

    3. unionized maybe? Just a guess.

15. Happy Friday! I’ve got a new grad on my team and an intern coming this summer, and I’m noticing some things that are obviously “how the world works” stuff that you figure out after someone coaches you or you’ve been in the workforce for a while. I’d love your tips on resources or coaching to share to get them up to speed. A few things I’m planning to coach them on, based on what I’ve seen:

    – Meetings don’t need to be scheduled for an hour, 30 minutes is fine if that’s what the discussion requires.
    – You have to give deadlines to people and you have to follow up with them. If you haven’t heard from them in 2 weeks, you should’ve followed up long ago.
    – Send calendar invites for due dates and/or tag them in whatever system you use to track work. In our case, that’s Trello, and you can set up rules to automatically send a reminder as the due date approaches. But it’s on you to hunt down the person and the work they were supposed to provide.
    – Offer dates/times to meet and give several options. If someone asks, “Does Friday work for you?”, answer with specific times that work, and give options for Monday and Tuesday, just in case. Double-check that everyone who needs to attend has availability, not just you.
    – Do not ask a senior person or someone who’s doing a favor for you to duplicate work, especially if you are changing how you want to receive information mid-project. If they emailed you a reply and you want it added to a Trello card, copy + paste it and let them know for next time, but don’t ask them to copy it over to the card. Same thing if you had a “notes” section and now you want those notes added elsewhere, you should just add them.

    1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! If you’re working on a new assignment and realize the instructions were unclear or you find yourself stuck on something that’s not Google-able, ask for help. I see a lot of bright, young people who think it’s a sign of weakness to request help, but I promise you it’s much worse to waste time pretending you know what you’re doing and then delivering subpar work.

       1. Oh, good one!

    2. I’m in a different environment (law firm) and I’ve mentored several new associates. In each case, I ended up buying a book called “Great on the Job” (using my personal funds, although it’s not that expensive in paperback) and have given them as gifts to my mentees.

    3. Most work is enabled by an informal network of relationships. As an intern/new employee you have little time to establish yourself, so immediately work toward showing that you are 1) someone who can be trusted to do what you say; 2) someone that supports others and 3) someone who is competent.

16. Dad says they do this in the goverment too. Evidently f/t workers are treated as if their $hit does not stink, but not contractors. Does it make sense? Of course not, so do NOT take it personaly. FOOEY on them!

17. A small piece of good news – It seems like the people in Korea who have apparently gotten COVID-19 twice weren’t reinfected, and weren’t even relapsing from their previous infection. The tests were just picking up fragments of dead virus: https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-south-korean-reactivated-cases-not-reinfected-experts-2020-4

    1. Thanks for sharing this! I must have missed the news. We’re also down to 0 new cases today (other than 6 imported and quarantined cases)!

    2. Such good news! In other local good news, my county reopened nurseries and garden centers, and our gardener has been able to restart his business. Retail that can do pick up or delivery has also reopened and we have gotten a flood of email from local businesses about it. Hopefully we won’t have to dial back again if cases tick up.

18. Higher ed faculty/staff/administrators:
    Do you feel totally over it? Like, if I have one more student tearing up in an advising meeting with me begging for an “A” because they “deserve it” due to pandemic, life issues, it’s so hard right now, we’re going through so much, etc. etc…. I am going to scream.

    1. Ugh, yes. I’m not student-facing, so I haven’t had to deal with complaints, but from a financial standpoint everything is just collapsing and it feels like a really scary time to be at a university. My school is talking about 50% less revenue next year and is asking departments to cut up to 25% of their budgets. I’m staff and don’t expect to have a job for much longer. My husband is faculty and is going up for tenure next year (he just found out last week they’re putting him up) so we’re just hoping that can get through and then one of us at least will have job security – although honestly at this point the whole university going belly up doesn’t seem beyond the realm of possibility. And this is a highly-ranked flagship state university, not some tiny college no one’s heard of. I think people outside of higher ed don’t realize how hard it’s hitting our industry. Everyone I’ve talked to who was here in ’08 says this is much worse.

       1. It’s never been like this for higher ed, in my decades in the field. The combination is truly catastrophic: refunds given for room & board, lost revenues from research that has been halted, expected declines in enrollment, increased costs (short term) from moving online, mandated leaves with no tax credits (publics), declining State support (publics) and little Federal help as State and local government has been largely left out of relief packages. Major universities and selected, nimble schools will likely survive with extreme belt-tightening, but this will surely hasten the demise of institutions which have been struggling. The traditional college experience is likely to emerge forever altered. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that these are uncharted waters for higher ed.

          1. My son is in graduate school and they are holding protests (not my son, just some of the students) demanding tuition refunds bc they aren’t paying all this money for online instruction. It’s so hard, because I see both the students’ side and the university’s side on this – yeah, it’s online, but it’s online with some of the top names in the field who didn’t stop becoming top names. This is a major private university with a huge endowment so I am not worried about them long term, but there are no winners here.

             1. I’m in grad school right now, and I feel the same. On the one hand, I totally get how hard this is for the school and the professors. On the other, half of what I’m paying for is the clinical teaching, in-person labs, and hands-on experience; if I’m not getting those, then why should I be paying for them?

          2. I’m very curious how this will effect enrollment long-term and totally agree that this will likely change the college experience forever. Hopefully that can be done in a way that helps avoid having another generation mortgage their future on degrees that may or may not be necessary.

    2. Also heard the complaint of it being so unfair that the university made the Spring quarter C/NC because it will be such a disadvantage for grad/prof school. Please. You have an inflated 4.5 GPA because of the way your school calculates averages, and your transcript will reflect that this was required of everyone, so you get to keep your GPA. So young, so self-absorbed.

       1. Every single employer and every single grad school knows that spring quarter 2020 was an epic cluster. There will be no need to “explain” any gaps in employment and/or transcripts during this time.

    3. Oops my answer is below

19. Have you seen this yet? https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/congratulations-your-joke-will-be-featured-in-the-next-issue-of-repeated-louder-by-a-man

    Apologies if someone has already shared this link.

    1. It doesn’t seem like a very funny article, but that’s probably because it was written by some chick named Catherine.

    2. Oh, man. Right?

20. So, to answer the question about at home spa, I stocked up on rosemary mint bath salts, a mint foot scrub and giant tubs of lotion. I also tried a freebie mask but ended up freaking myself out with it because I felt like a mummy.

21. Get a spin bike, yea or nay? Will take recommendations.

    1. Pricy but I love my peloton. Best investment I’ve ever made.

       1. They’re not shipping right now!

22. Our provost has been having Wednesday afternoon meetings on Fridays. We talked, this week, about how some students are resilient and have good family support, but that some are completely derailed by the move to online and the quarantine. Some students are always going to ask for special consideration, even if it seems completely ballsy to us.

23. Has anyone tried this brand? What do you think? I keep seeing ads for it, but I don’t know anyone who has purchased from them IRL.

    1. Yes. Their ski layer base layers are super cute and functional (I own an outfit) and I have a pair of their power leggings that are great (lots of pockets, perfect technology for staying cool, etc). I’ve also returned stuff with 0 problems. They ship stuff amazingly quick even though it comes from the UK (maybe not in COVID).

       There are actual stores in SF so a decent amount of people have their stuff here.

    2. Sweaty Betty is basically the British version of Lululemon. Their stuff is great – super comfy and lasts long (don’t put it in the dryer). They sell it at Nordstrom now!

    3. I use their power leggings for my dance classes, and I really like them. They are flattering and comfortable. I’m in the UK, so we have a store where I live.

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