This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Several months ago, I noticed someone on Facebook extolling the virtues of Luxardo cherries, particularly for cocktails. Innnnteresting, I thought, as my home bartending skills have been burgeoning over the past year, and I do enjoy an Old Fashioned or Manhattan from time to time.
After a bit of research I found Luxardo cherries for $20 as a Williams Sonoma exclusive — they very rarely have free shipping so this means you're paying another $15 essentially for shipping. Boo… $35 for cherries seems like a lot.
Still, I was ordering some other stuff from WS and I decided to get them — and boy are they better than regular maraschino cherries. No contest for things like Old Fashioneds and Manhattans, for sure. We've also found this vodka-based cocktail called a Cherry Drop that's amazing. (Here's an Epicurious article also singing the praises of Luxardo cherries.)
Still: $35 for cherries, yo. So I went hunting for a more affordable dupe to Luxardo cherries and somehow found these Peninsula Cocktail Cherries.
They're $11 at Amazon (with free shipping) and, for my money, are essentially the same thing — they're deep and dark and rich in the same way that Luxardo cherries are. I recommend!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Big law dating military
Curious to hear what happened to the (NYC?) big law lawyer that started dating someone in the military and was thinking about getting serious with him. Did you guys end up getting serious/enagaged/married? Did you find a solution to merge your careers?
My friend is in a similar situation with a job that doesn’t allow for much flexibily and she is falling hard for an Army officer.
Anon
I have several friends who are / are married to career military people. One woman at my biglaw firm has been based out of a couple offices and able to work remotely a bit given her seniority. No kids (they are not planning on any). Others have kids — many men/women are medical and the spouse has a flexible job. Spouses don’t tend to go to Korea but otherwise have moved (and have loved it). A CPA worked remotely for years with her clients as her husband moved around and eventually retired in his early 40s (so that can be ideal). It’s not for everyone and I know dual military couples (with kids and without) too. But I can’t think of anyone who didn’t take it up with their company/firm and any firm that balked at this — I think the benefit of having bosses being old white guys can be that they do want to be seen as supporting military families. Or at least have the sense that they won’t want to be seen as hostile to a military spouse.
Anon
After yesterday’s single vs. coupled thread as far as sharing work loads and living together, I thought it would be fun to start a thread for singles (including me) to comment the things they love being able to do while living alone.
I get bitter sometimes too having to do everything myself, but I love being able to….
– have a totally irregular sleep schedule and keep lights on as late as I want
– followed by a sometimes irregular meal schedule, hello taking a long nap after work and making dinner late at night
– watch whatever I want on TV, at whatever volume (this also goes for music)
– read in total silence
– decorate as I see fit
– pass gas any time, any where
Anon100
ordering takeout from all MY favorite places ALL the time. (yes caps are needed).
and + a million to your last one!
AnonATL
As a married person who can’t agree with the spouse on what takeaway to get tonight, I feel this so hard. We can’t even pick 2 restaurants somewhat close to each other on most nights.
Kat in VA
Old Married Here (32 years) and can confirm once you make it to our level, you can and do pass gas any time, anywhere.
Other than that, will admit to envy to some of the other bulleted points.
Anonymous
No one to complain about too many purchases showing up at the front door.
Anon
+1! My boyfriend, who probably does just as much online shopping as I do, commented on this when he first moved in. I shut that down quick.
Anon
Saving and investing (and conversely spending) how I see fit without anyone second guessing. It’s MY money not OUR money.
Sunshine
-Eating meals, going to bed, waking up, and making noise without any regard to how it might impact another human.
-Keeping my house at the exact level of tidy and clean as I like. No more. No less.
Anonymous
I enjoy:
— eating whatever I want, whenever I want (this is not about overeating but about not accommodating another palate or schedule)
— never having to apologize for my dogs or the lack of rules for my dogs
— never having to listen to someone else’s media or anything at another person’s volume
— not having to have a giant TV or a complicated sound system
— choosing whether and when to clean up
— not listening to snoring
— never fighting about money
— not having to justify my purchases/possessions
— not having to report in about my plans after work
— never worrying about “getting in trouble” for something like not having extra toilet paper on hand
— never being annoyed that my partner didn’t do his chores
— not annoying/grossing out someone else when I am sick
— not having to explain (or hide) my grooming habits
Anonymous
I appreciate that I don’t have to consult anyone about how I live. I can dance 5 days a week with no guilt.
Hildy J.
I haven’t shut the bathroom door in… years?
Anon
Same! Plus, one of my cats likes to follow me in. Am I just supposed to shut down one of her favorite bonding times if I get a bf? I don’t think so!
Hildy J.
Also, maybe this is semantics compared to what some folks have already said, but I’m glad for the opportunity to have changed my mind and gone in different directions when I’ve felt I need to, on life things big and small, even if there’s sunk costs or it doesn’t necessarily make sense to other people.
Anonymous
This. You can move for an amazing job opportunity without having to stress about your spouse finding work.
Duckles
It hit me in the past couple months that at this point in my life this isn’t something I’m willing to give up! It totally changed how I thought about dating when I realized I actually don’t want to get married at all. (And pretty much all the trivial things people lost here don’t hurt either!) This is a great way to put it.
anon
Lol I also appreciate the freedom to fart. I recently overhauled my diet and my fiber intake is through the roof!
I will also add:
– everything is where I left it, how I left it
– I don’t have to worry about someone eating all my good snacks/desserts and leaving none for me
– no one disturbs my sleep with snoring or flopping around
Ribena
Watching knitting videos from YouTube on my living room TV rather than actual TV programmes.
Anonymous
Adopting a pet when you want one and the one you want. I don’t care if you think getting a 10 year old dog is a bad idea (my dad). I’m gonna love the sweet old man as long as I can. (I reminded him that he was 70 so technically the dog is as old as him!) Best decision I ever made.
Anonymous
Thank you for adopting an older pet. It is such a generous act.
CountC
+1,000
anon2
– not having to put away laundry if I don’t want to
– not having to empty the dishwasher when I don’t want to
– leaving dishes in the sink overnight if I don’t feel like doing them before bed
– hiring a cleaning team without caring what anyone else thinks about spending money on it (have you noticed a theme yet)
– picking out the fencing I wanted without anyone else’s input
– picking out whatever mattress I want
– all of the bathroom and bodily function habits already mentioned by others
– leaving whatever I want in my will to whomever I want
– buying whatever jewelry I want because my budget is mine and only mine
– having as many old animals around as I want (with varying bathroom capabilities)
– not having to share my house with anyone during a pandemic
– not having to think about whether or not a partner is keeping alcohol in the house when I quit drinking
– leaving my holiday decorations up as long as I want to
Anonymous
I love living alone and am also single. I am the person my friends call when they need someone. I have maintained friendships across the world because I can talk on the phone or screen any time I want to, disrupting no one. No one else has a weighted, must consider opinion about how my house looks, what time I do things, how I spend money, whether or when I work out, my utilities (thermostat, bubble bath water bills, recycling), what time I eat dinner or if I have ice cream for breakfast, if I want to play music, shop, learn something, etc. I am used to going to events by myself and have learned to cherish being able to fully immerse myself in a film, concert, wedding, or other event without a worry or distraction from a partner. I have tried dating and ultimately every time, though the men are good guys, have chosen my single life because I have to give up time with friends, a beloved hobby/volunteer project, and independence to be partnered. I’m past child bearing age and can honestly say I have no regrets about that choice.
Anon
– never ever worry about how I look at home. This includes the oldest underwear and craziest morning hair.
– if it is messy, it is my mess
– I know where everything is
– I answer to no one about my time and do not have to negotiate anything at all (food, plans, preferences) at home
– no weird smells
– fresh flowers JUST FOR ME
Is it Friday yet?
I do what I want, when I want, as loudly or quietly as I want, wearing what I want, with the thermostat at the temperature I want, 24/7. Zero accountability to anyone else for my shopping habits or my housekeeping (or lack thereof). No one asking or complaining about what I’m doing (and no one making noise that annoys me, at least inside my apartment). Freedom, y’all.
Anon
That all sounds lovely. I’m a long time married person and the lights on or off at night is a never ending battle. That’s why I like business travel! (or did, in the Before Times)
AnonPara
-wearing the comfiest, mostly unflattering clothing many days in a row if I care to
-keeping the temp exactly the way I want it (between menopause and thyroid issues this is a biggie)
-no sleep interruptions
-being in complete control of finances/know all bills are paid
Anon
What’s going on with Kyrsten Sinema? Like, what did I miss? I remember being excited about her when she won and was sworn in. I thought she was going to be one of the up and coming faces of the Democratic Party.
Anon
I think that she solidly represents Arizona as a person in a purple state that is socially liberal but is fiscally conservative.
Anon
I suggest that you step away from Twitter and other very liberal-leaning social media and realize that a lot of Democrats are a more in line with her than AOC. Please do not misunderstand me – I want a $15 minimum wage (but then I live in a place where it is almost that now). And I have real questions about filibuster – particularly now that they do not have have to take the trouble of reading from a cookbook or whatever. But she is not that far outside the Democratic mainstream and pretty much in line with her purple state.
I love all the liberals asking who is going to primary her. If she is defeated in the primary by someone on her left, that person is going to lose in the general.
Anonymous
+ 1. We are now into the governing stage of a solidly middle of the road Democratic team, where we do what we can actually do to help people in this country. Bernie and Elizabeth were unelectable on a national stage and progressives are even more unelectable in red or purple states. Don’t waste dollars putting a progressive up anywhere but in New York or California.
Anon
+100 and maybe not even in California
Anon
Your first few lines are incredibly patronizing.
Anonymous
I read an “article” about her position that was barfed up a bunch of tweets, without actually digging into what is going on. I think it is a good suggestion not to rely on either Twitter or such shallow political commentary.
Anon
Who said anyone was relying on anything? We should all trust that the smart women here can think for themselves.
Anonymous
The vote was on including a provision the experts had opined was outside the scope of Congressional authority in a budget reconciliation bill and that would be subject to legal challenges. Rather than going down that useless path just to make a point, some of the Senators are in favor of reaching across the aisle and coming up with a compromise that is not going to be subject to the same challenge. That is not betraying the Democratic Party, it’s trying to govern rather than show boat.
Anon
Hey Senior Attorney – I’ve always enjoyed reading your dating insight on here. I just wanted to let you know that it is helping me deal with a work situation. I have a great job, a great boss, but he is penny wise and pound foolish about a couple of things that just drive me BATTY. I’ve tried to change it for years. We’ve had countless arguments over certain things money related. Not my compensation – things like buying certain software upgrades or hiring more help.
Well, suddenly your dating advice popped into my head. This is either a deal breaker and I need to find a new job or it is the cost of admission and I just have to deal with it. I will not change him.
Who knows, I may decide it is a deal breaker down the road and look for a new job. On the balance of things though, I can put up with this to stay here for the time being. I think this is going to help me let go of a lot of anger and mental space where I’m always coming up with plans to get him to see things my way. He won’t.
Senior Attorney
Ha! This is great! Go, you!!
Anon
Oh yes that is great advice for a variety of contexts! Even for friends. I had a friend who would routinely bail on things last minute and I used this advice to decide what to do about it.
Anon
The road trip question this morning raised this so it’d be interesting to get a list going — what are things you WON’T do for a while even after you’re vaccinated (assuming it’s this spring when numbers are down but not completely down to nothing). For example – restaurants/bars w friends; conferences (thought doubt there are any now); weddings; road trips; flights; vacations; hotels; going to the office; going to the dr; malls; elevators etc.
If there are things you won’t do — when do you think you’ll get back to them, if ever?
Anon
No relatives in a far-away elder-care facility. If their employees can come/go at will and forgo vaccines, I want my relative local to me and would get a PT job there to check in on them if they continue to block visitors. I am no more a vector than other employees, but if I have to work somewhere to visit a resident, I can only swing that where I live. This is sort of theoretical, but if it is at the end of life, you often don’t have the luxury of waiting until the pandemic is over.
No Face
I’ll probably start small group socializing indoors when I get vacinnated. I will avoid big crowded, indoor events until the CDC gives the all clear. I hope to fly places next year. I’ve done road trips, medical treatment and the office during the pandemic without incident.
Anon
Wouldn’t yet go on a real vacation – flight; hotel for 4-5 nights; rental car or ubers at the destination – even after my 2nd vaccine. I can’t tell you why exactly, just that after a whole year of staying in and away from others — it seems like “too much” — to be on a flight crammed with others wondering the whole time when the guy across the aisle will pull up his mask; getting in rental cars wondering how well they were cleaned/were the keys wiped down; constantly being on the look out at hotels that no one else gets in my elevator etc (and yet I love hotels and am not an Airbnb person); constantly planning meals on vacation to make sure we can take out or have an outdoor/picnic option. It all seems like too much thinking right now. All I’m interested in right now – daytime road trip in my car; or at most 1 night in a driveable location.
anonshmanon
Yeah, I am confident of the vaccine, but if I’m honest, I probably have lost some kind of socializing muscle over the last year, and will slowly ease back in.
Vicky Austin
Same. COVID worries aside, I’m not ready to be a human in a huge press of other humans again yet.
Anon
Thank you for saying this. I’m well aware that I have social anxiety but I had to push through it every day to live life, even with treatment. The last time I had to run into work and sign something during the pandemic I felt more anxious than normal and realized … woah … I’m starting back at square one here. I’m guessing there are a lot of anxious people like me out of practice that are going to need to ease back in. I got panic attacks in crowds in the before times. Can’t image now when I haven’t had to go many places in a year.
anne-on
This. Over the summer I bundled a bunch of short in/out errands into one day (dry cleaning, pharmacy, return something to a store, post office) maybe 5 places total? I socially distanced/masked and was not around more than 3 people max at any one store (went early on a weekday). It was something that used to be totally NBD and then I came home and realized I was on the verge of a panic attack. I just couldn’t handle THAT much time in stores at the moment. There will be some real mental health consequences of this long term that I don’t think we’re preparing for.
Anon
I’m the poster at 3:21. Thank you for making me feel more normal.
Anonymous
I think it’s going to take practice for all of us to get back into our previous routines. This has been traumatic and we should acknowledge that and not beat ourselves up for our natural responses to this period of stress. It makes me really upset when people write everything off as “anxiety talking” instead of actually trying to be empathetic.
Anon
You adjust pretty quickly, in my experience. I’m fully vaxxed and the first time doing X is weird and hard regardless of what X is, but even the second time it feels so much better and by the third time it feels normalish.
LaurenB
I have to be honest – I don’t make it a practice to run unnecessary errands, but at this stage in the game, I wouldn’t hesitate to go to a post office if I needed to go to the post office or run a similar errand. Your chances really aren’t that high as long as you are masked / socially distant and the people around you are as well.
Anonymous
Lol I won’t return to work in person at my law firm. I am fully vaccinated and eating inside and going to the spa tmrw but my office? No thank you.
Anonymous
Lol YES
Anon
I won’t go to mass events for awhile (think theater, sporting events, etc.). But I’m very pleased I’ll be fully vaccinated a month before my best friend’s wedding so will be attending that, and planning to move to Europe over the summer so I guess I’ll be flying on a plane. Definitely planning to meet with friends at restaurants occasionally but will likely stick w/ outdoor dining until next winter (which I’m already doing pre-vaccine). Mostly, I’m looking forward to giving my (also vaccinated) 89 year old grandma a big hug. My mom and I are planning to visit her a few weeks after I get my 2nd shot.
Anon
Vaccines are effective. I’m respectful of not doing anything that would make people around me uncomfortable, but I have no personal safety qualms about doing anything that I would have done in 2019. Vaccines are effective.
Cat
Same. We are already ranking our list of dinner reservation priority for places that don’t have outdoor dining and have booked flights to the Caribbean assuming we are vax by then.
Anon
Same. Got my second dose this week. Will be resuming my normal activities, nothing reckless, but will resume things like indoor small gatherings with friends or restaurants.
AIMS
Vaccines are effective but e.g., right now my kids’ school/daycare requires that if we go out of state, to come back without a full quarantine, they have to take a test 3 days before flying back and a PCR test 4 days after returning. And then it could be a couple of days to wait for the results so best case scenario if we come back on a Friday we still miss a few days of class. This means that I am not likely to get fly with them even if Im fully vaccinated because i don’t want to miss any more school. So I think that there are plenty of things I may be comfortable with but rules being what they are there’s still plenty I will hold off on.
Anonymous
Yeah, this. Our state doesn’t have any travel restrictions, but our daycare excludes the child for 14 days if anyone in the family travels internationally and they’ve told me they plan to keep that policy in place once vaccines are widely available to adults. It sucks. I want nothing more than to lie on a beach in the Caribbean and am comfortable with the risk (once I’m vaccinated) but the earliest we can do it is next Christmas because we can’t do 14 days with no childcare at any other time of year. I think these kinds of restrictions will keep life far from normal for quite a while post-vaccine.
Anon
+1 – I really don’t understand continuing to not do things for my own “safety” post vaccine. That’s the whole point.
Anon
I’ve been going to doctor and dentist visits all along, but not inside anywhere else (my husband has been grocery shopping in person, but much less frequently than normal). It looks like both our jobs will be remote indefinitely, though we may go to the office some once things are better. Once vaccinated, assuming rates are down, I’ll definitely grocery shop again and go to other stores as needed, but I mostly shopped online even pre-pandemic, so that won’t be often. It will be a long time before I want to eat inside a restaurant, though again, we didn’t eat out a lot pre-pandemic either. It’s been more than 2 years since I’ve seen my family and friends that live multiple flights away, so I’d consider that in late summer or fall, depending on conditions, and might do some more day/weekend trips to outdoor destinations nearby (lots of amazing options in my area), but I won’t take a real vacation for a while yet since those other trips would be a priority and I don’t want to spend a lot of time in crowded, indoor areas (actually, I never want to do that, pandemic or no). So for me, a lot of it has to do with how much I did things in my normal life and a lot of the high risk things are things I never loved or did a lot of anyway.
Anon
I’m where you are except that because I’m high risk we get groceries delivered. I am SO looking forward to grocery shopping. I appreciate to death the people who deliver them, but delivery choices are very limited, and I’m looking forward to my old practice of buying my veggies from a small veg market, my meat from a butcher, etc. I am so very sick of everything I cook right now.
Senior Attorney
My gym closed and I feel like I will take my time finding a new one — all that heavy breathing, all those body fluids.
Generally I will follow CDC and state guidelines.
In the fairly near future (say, mid-April) I expect to be able to have small indoor gatherings at home with all attendees fully vaccinated and I am super looking forward to that.
NOLA
I agree about the gym, but during our cold snap, I seriously thought about it. Getting on my bike at 20 degrees was just too much. I have heard that our gym is really quiet right now, but I emailed and asked if the machines I used have been repaired and the answer was no, so I’m out. Being able to go to the gym at the end of the day would make work life sooooo much easier, but I just can’t justify it. We’re in the next tier of vaccine eligibility, so I’ll see after that.
I’m so looking forward to being able to visit friends again! I spent so much of the past year in an emotionally unhealthy bubble with the dude (thankfully, done with that) and I am so ready to be with my friends again. My first week in the new job and I can’t even celebrate (I know… whine whine whine). Most of my friends have been vaccinated, but I haven’t. I am having so much vaccine envy!
Anonymous
Oh thank goodness you’re not with him. Way to go!!!
NOLA
Yeah, he burst our safety bubble and I dumped him. I put up with his obnoxious behavior for far too long.
LaurenB
I go to a health club that is attached to a hospital — so a lot of older people in cardiac rehab, etc. (who are vaccinated). They take their Covid protocol quite seriously, they have the enhanced ventilation system, there are strict limits / plenty of spacing in classes, various machines are cordoned off … I feel it’s fine.
Anon
Even if I get personally vaccinated soon, very few people in my country have been vaccinated and a lot of areas are still in lockdown, so my life won’t be affected that much.
Anon
I’m almost fully vaccinated and until Covid is considered functionally eradicated in my locality (i.e. little to no community spread), I won’t be doing any indoor socializing outside of small groups of friends who are also all fully vaccinated. This means no indoor only bars/restaurants, no movie theaters, no indoor plays/concerts. But I’m fully going to frequent my city’s outdoor beer gardens, chill outdoor concerts, drive-in movies, and try hobbies that allow for a lot of spacing.
Honestly, there are some things I’ve determined I won’t do EVER again because I’ve never been this healthy before – buffets, butt to gut standing room only concerts, flying without a medical mask (I always get sick after flying) sweaty heavy breathing workout classes where there is no ventilation or adequate spacing.
Senior Attorney
Oh, right? No more buffets, ever!!
Anon
My husband wants to take a cruise after this but I don’t think I’ll ever get on a cruise ship again. Maybe one of the luxury ones with 200 passengers but not the huge ones.
anon
Oof cruises were disgusting even before covid
Senior Attorney
Same. I actually once took a cruise on one of those huge 8000-passenger ships and enjoyed it, but… no. Never again.
Anon
I definitely think my yoga studio was a germ fest. The ventilation was horrible and the mirrors would all steam up. It wasn’t supposed to be hot yoga either. I was grossed out at that before COVID but it was an amazing instructor and a cheap price so I sucked it up.
Anonymous
My hesitation is going to be large indoor crowds, like concerts. Concerts were never my thing, but I’m really not interested in indoor concerts now. My friends are all dying inside because they used to go weekly or more, and they will probably go as soon as they have the option. I think I will leave that to them for a long time.
anne-on
Concerts will be a hard one for me too. I was anxious when my husband and I attended concerts together in the last year or two before the pandemic because of the fears of a mass shooter event leaving our child an orphan. I really don’t know if the enjoyment of a concert is enough to overcome BOTH the germs and the terror risk. Yay America…
Anonymous
I used to have this worry as well.
Anon
I love classical music concerts, opera, and broadway type musicals. The last broadway musical I saw was in February 2020, and I remember thinking about how crammed together our seats were (COVID was in the news then, but it didn’t seem to be here yet – it was though.) It will be a very long time before I get comfortable with that kind of cheek to jowl seating again.
Last couple of times I went to the symphony pre-covid, I sprang for loge seats just for a couple of extra inches between patrons, not because of germ concerns but because of personal comfort. Maybe that’s the way to go for me going forward. I don’t think they have that option at most broadway theatres though.
Airplane
Go to a gym – maybe never. I heavily invested in my home gym and I’m very happy with Peloton app. I will go into a hot yoga studio again but still not until we are at herd immunity.
Get on public transit or a plane without a mask. I might wear it in crowded elevators. I haven’t gotten a single cold or virus for over a year and I like it that way.
I don’t know when I’ll go back to the korean spa or russian baths. Steam rooms and saunas with other people- anyone else?
anon
I have been working in the office in person since May. I ride in 8 elevators per day. That probably makes me a lot less conservative than many people here.
Once vaccinated, I plan to see other vaccinated people indoors in small groups or outdoors in larger groups, dine indoors occasionally, and take short road trips where my family stays in AirBNBs. I received my first shot last Saturday, so I’m already actively planning these things. I will wear a mask in public as long as public health officials suggest it, even if it’s not mandatory.
I’m concerned that some variant that doesn’t exist or isn’t known yet will make these activities, as well as things like conferences and weddings and long-haul flights, unsafe, even for people who are vaccinated. If that happens, I’ll change plans.
anon
Also, unless variants change things, I would be comfortable doing anything I did in 2019, including movie theaters, crowded sporting events, conferences, bars, vacations with flights and hotels, Disney World, etc. I won’t do those things yet because of the risk that I might spread Covid to people who aren’t vaccinated (and also, Disney World sounds like it wouldn’t be worth it right now). I was never likely to get seriously ill from Covid, and I have faith the vaccine protects me. If there’s solid data that vaccinated people don’t transmit Covid, or when we get to the point that everyone who wants a vaccine can get one, I’m looking forward to going back to normal.
Anon
I’ll be fully vaccinated soon. I’ll dine outdoors, see vaccinated friends outdoors, see family, do anything indoors where everyone is masked (haircuts, shopping, massages, exercise classes and kids’ activities with mask requirements) and we’re planning plane/hotel travel this summer assuming things stay stable.
I don’t see myself returning to indoor dining or gyms w/o masks until numbers are way lower, but that’s mostly because I see outdoor dining and mask-required exercise classes as perfectly acceptable alternatives. I’m past the wedding stage of life but I’d go to a close friend or family member’s wedding if they were keeping it small and requiring masks.
I guess my philosophy can be summed up as I’m not much worried about the risk to myself, but I also want to continue to mitigate risk where doing so is not a hardship to me (eg avoiding indoor dining). Next winter I might reassess when outdoor is stuff is off the table due to weather.
Anonymous
When I am vaccinated I am going to get regular haircuts and maybe even color from my already-vaccinated stylist first thing in the morning in a large salon with few clients and air filtration units at every station. I am going to shop at Trader Joe’s, first thing in the morning. I may visit the dermatologist, again first appointment of the day.
When my entire family including our teenager is vaccinated, I’d like to have small get-togethers with extended family and friends who are also vaccinated. I would also like to rent a beach house. If numbers look good I will take my daughter to tour colleges within driving distance and let her go back to her sport, masked at all times. Next winter we hope to ski locally.
I am not getting on a plane, staying in a hotel, going to the gym, eating in a restaurant, getting on public transit or in a taxi or rideshare, or going to concerts, theatres, church, or other large indoor events any time soon. If conditions drastically improve I will prioritize a real college tour with my daughter.
Anon for this
I’m not going back to the office. A long public transit commute plus 8 hours a day around other people who don’t take the pandemic very seriously is way too much risk for way too little reward. It’s too often, too draining, and too crappy when I can wfh safely and efficiently.
LaurenB
I’ll be willing to go to an indoor restaurant but only if I felt comfortable that there is sufficient social distancing. I would not go to a conference, I would not go to anything other than a SMALL wedding where I could trust the participants to mask / social distance. I would do a road trip / hotel; unsure about flying. I have already gone to doctors and have gone in elevators as part of that; I don’t think I can avoid elevators the rest of my life and it’s a bit dramatic to think that 30 seconds in an elevator counts as exposure. What I really can’t envision right now are large events / gatherings of more than a handful of people.
Anonymous
I don’t see much changing unless they can show risk of spreading to others isn’t happening post-vaccine. I’m literally sitting in a Walgreens post shot now and she warned it does mean you won’t spread or won’t get. I’ll probably resume indoor socializing with others vaccinated (my mom). Maybe outdoor dining. No indoor dining or planes. Once community spread lowers I will hope to fly. My big no for longer than that would be resuming attending trade shows.
Anon
Actually there’s a lot of evidence you’re much less likely to spread it once you’re vaccinated. Public health officials are downplaying it because they don’t want the general public (including the many unvaccinated people) to burn their masks and resume normal life, but if you look for it the data is there.
Anonymous
Birthday candles. Just ewww.
Anonymous
I have thought blowing out birthday candles was disgusting since I was about 3 years old and I’m glad other people are finally getting on board.
Anonymous
I feel this way about handshakes and social kissing. Can we not?
Anon
I’ve been wondering for a while how many participants on this board have been financially impacted by the pandemic. How many were laid off, furloughed, struggling to get their unemployment payments, needing public assistance for housing and food… I sometimes feels as if I’m the only one I know. How are you managing?
Anon
The K-shaped recovery is a real thing. I don’t think that overall many people in the general demographics of this place have seen much impact.
Anon for this
This. Honestly, I have made out like a bandit. Got bonus. Got laid off. Got severance. Negotiated a lump sum in place of continued health insurance. (signed onto DH’s insurance for tiny $/month = profit!). Drew $600/week extra unemployment in a state that had well-administered unemployment program. Unemployment covered expenses, didn’t have to touch savings. Got new job, at slightly higher salary and much better benefits. All in all pocketed approx $20K cash between bonus and severance, and now have a better job. 401K has done very well as market recovered. I have not enjoyed the pandemic, but I can’t say it’s hurt me financially.
Anon
Yeah. Our HHI is $180k in a low cost of living area but we got full stimulus payments (retirement contributions bring us under $150) and kept our jobs, plus we didn’t spend anything on travel -normally a huge expense for us – so we are rolling in dough. We’re giving a lot more money to charity but I still feel guilty.
LaurenB
It’s awful to say, but the pandemic didn’t hurt us financially. H still saw patients with only a minor slowdown as women postponed not-critical pap smears, etc. — but he still delivered babies, can’t put that one on hold. We are not big spenders but we spent a lot less last year because there were months where we didn’t go out to eat at all, we didn’t shop as leisure activity / didn’t need to buy a lot of clothes, no dry cleaning bills, etc.
Anon
I got laid off in December (they said it was because of COVID but it was a horribly dysfunctional place to work with no management or leadership). Luckily I got a new job right away because I had already been job searching for some time. Also luckily that I’m Canadian so there was no struggle to get unemployment benefits for the month or so that I was out of work.
Anon for This
As a consultant, I earned about the same but had to work 3x as hard doing much less enjoyable work and going through far more interviews and stress for the same amount I earned in 2019 when I adored my work and the process. Also, this will continue indefinitely for me because most of the contacts and connections I’d spent years cultivating were laid off, so I have to get to know and build new relationships which can take years to get me back to where my career once was.
I am also single and childfree, so there was no work-life balance (no reason to stop working) and no one whose income I could fall back on -though also no one needing my financial support.
Anon
I work in higher ed and had specialized in a less common side of things as someone trained in online education. This gave me an edge in interviews. I am currently earning an advanced degree to qualify for tenure roles. The pandemic resulted in everyone learning online skills (which removed my edge), the ending of many tenure roles (which removed my big goal), and pushed many more into competition for all teaching roles (making any one harder to attain). Meanwhile, teaching students is much harder as it’s navigating the coursework plus more advanced needs and traumas they are experiencing.
It didn’t just impact temporarily, the entire industry changed and I truly do not know what will happen on the other side while I take on more student loans for a role that may no longer exist but I’m too far into the program to make sense of leaving now.
Ribena
My cost of living has gone up – my commute was free and I’m using way more energy to heat my home, especially now it’s winter. I’ve also noticed a lot of wear and tear on my home just from being IN it all the time.
That probably balances out the fact that I’m on full pay to work from home, although bonuses for this year were cancelled.
anon2
This is not major in the grand scheme of the problems so many are facing, but the first time my propane tanks were refilled after I had been home all day every day this year was a HUGE shock. In the before times, my refills were usually about $200/$250, now they are over $500!!
Anon
I’m doing well financially but at a cost. I work in local government in public health so have worked a LOT of OT (I’m currently working 15 hour days 6 days a week, “half days” on the 7th day). However, my job is very stressful and Ive had no personal life this year. I’m spending most of my OT on takeout, since I don’t have time to cook (downside of being single: I still have to do all my own cooking / cleaning/ laundry despite only being home 7-8 hours a day)
My salary is very low to begin with, so the OT really just brought me up to market rate.
Anon
I was laid off in March 2020, but it just put me on my glide path to retirement sooner rather than later. I’m very fortunate that I didn’t need public assistance, though with my new smaller income I do qualify for a very small subsidy on my health insurance purchased through the exchange. If my income from my new small business turns out to be higher than expected, I’ll pay back the subsidy at the end of the year – it would be a few thousand dollars for the full year. I’d be happy for my little venture to be that successful so I wouldn’t be mad at all.
My parents hit rock bottom financially several times in my childhood so I have always been super, super cautious about debt and savings, thank goodness. I’m sorry that happened to you. If I’d been in my 20s or early 30s when the pandemic hit, I may have been in the same boat. One of the big differences for people is whether there’s a family safety net to fall back on. There never was for me, and it sounds like there wasn’t for you.
Cara
I moved back in with my parents because I didn’t want to quarantine alone, so I saved a good 5 months of rent after my lease ended. I had a job that was meant to end during the pandemic anyways, and did not have any trouble finding a job afterwards.
Anonymous
I am a consultant and between the kids being home and work all going on hold as the world shut down, I missed about 3 months of income. Things picked back up and we got childcare in place for the kids eventually. We didn’t qualify for any stimulus money but the $600 topoff helped.
The company DH works for sold this year and he had a lot of vested options. So we made about a full 18 months salary off that.
Anon
We have been affected, though mid-term rather than urgently.
My husband quit his job, took a couple of years off to be a family caregiver, and planned to return to the workforce in 2020. Quarantine and his immunodeficiency made that impossible.
I am the sole wage earner, and we had not planned for it to go on this long. I have insurance for both of us, and can afford the cost of necessities, but there’s nothing left over. Our house is becoming more and more shabby as needed repairs are put off. I can no longer fill our IRAs.
So we’re getting by, but this isn’t sustainable long-term, and it will definitely push out our retirement date.
AIMS
There is actually indications now that spread isn’t an issue. It’s by no means definitive but it is promising! I don’t think that people should be reckless but the doom and gloom from some govt officials and the media seems to me 1) wrong and 2) counterproductive as a public policy matter.
AIMS
This obviously wasn’t meant to go here. Sorry!
Anon
My live in boyfriend finished grad school in May and hasn’t been able to find a job, which I think is because of COVID’s impact on his industry. Jobs that use to hire new grads can now get people with 2-3 years experience at the same cost. I’ve been covering most of our joint expenses as a result, and it will probably delay our life moving forward by a few years.
Anon
Sounds exactly like my post-Great Recession experience. Love to have lived through two “once in a lifetime” recessions before age 35!
Anonymous
we’re been okay. DINK, husband didn’t take a salary after feb 2020 and ended up closing his small 4- employee business in nov after proudly being able to pay employees mar-nov. however i had stable employment the whole time and we are very low spenders and fine on one salary. he has just started working again as a contractor so it’s nice that we can start saving for retirement again but we feel very lucky all things given. he did not apply for unemployment as he was only not working for 2 months and we didn’t feel like we needed it the same way that others do.
Anon
Biology question. I know that stress is bad for us, including our hearts. My FitBit tracks when I’m getting “active minutes” and sometimes my stress/anxiety gets my heart beating so fast that I get active minutes. Obviously, this isn’t good for me and I need to reign in the anxiety. However, I just had a pure curiosity question. Does your body burn more calories when your stress/anxiety gets your heartrate into the workout zone? I absolutely will not let myself get in this state intentionally to lose weight or anything. I just wondered if it had the same calorie burning impact.
anonshmanon
Heart rate and metabolism can ramp up in stressful times. A lot of the negative effects of stress are thought to be connected to the hormones that are emitted at these times and still after the fact. Since your FitBit is not able to measure hormone levels, it sees the ‘good’ and is blind to the ‘bad’. And two different stressful situations can have very differing effects; there is such a thing as good stress, too. And it probably differs from person to person. But if you think of people that go through something very stressful and lose weight as a result, it’s definitely a thing. As almost anything to do with the human body, more research is needed for a clearer understanding.
Anon
I know that I lose weight during stressful times due to lack of appetite. I don’t know if the stress alone would cause weight loss if I was eating normally.
Anon
I don’t know the answer for sure. But the fitbit isn’t measuring calorie burn, it’s measuring heart rate. The calorie burn is correlated to heart rate, but as far as I know isn’t caused by it. Basically the fitbit calorie measurement is just a guess and is not reliable.
Anon
You can get luxardo cherries on Amazon with free shipping or where I live, at liquor stores. They’re amazing and so much better than any other cherry. But I also have to say that Trader Joe’s Amarena cherries are acceptable and much cheaper.
Senior Attorney
We love Woodford Reserve cherries, but they are twice as much as the ones above so I’m gonna try these and see how they stack up.
NYNY
I make a batch of boozy cherries each summer when there are sour cherries at the farmer’s market. It’s a project, because you have to wash, stem, and pit the cherries first, but then I put them in a clean jar with sugar and a combo of brandy, bourbon, amaretto if I have some, and a few drops of bitters. The first 2-3 weeks after I make them, I take the jar out of the fridge to shake a bit, since the sugar settles, but in under a month, it’s all integrated and the cherries are firm, nicely preserved, and perfect for a cocktail. Also great with seltzer and bitters for a near-mocktail. And the liquid from the jar is amazing in my Manhattan!
Senior Attorney
Oh, man! I wanted to do this a few years ago but I just couldn’t find any fresh sour cherries! Maybe they don’t grow near enough to So Cal?
NYNY
I feel like So Cal has every type of orchard nearby. But sour cherries have a very short season, so you have to pounce on them when they come up. I think they were available in NYC for 3 weeks in May last year, and I missed my favorite variety, which is the earliest one to ripen. If you have a vendor at the market who carries other tree fruits – peaches, sweet cherries, plums – ask if they grow sour cherries and when the season is.
Senior Attorney
Ah! Thanks!
Anon
The liquid is the best part! I do the same with plums (except no amaretto) because I have a very old plum tree where the plums are all ripe over one two week period, and there are absolute tons of them. I make jam, I make cobblers, and I make liqueur. It’s great very cold in a small glass, as a mixer, or over ice cream. The soggy, boozy plums are also great on ice cream.
Anon
My husband is obsessed with these cherries and gets them on Amazon too. I have no idea where he heard about them, but he won’t buy any others now.
Anon
yes, and I love the Luxardo liqueur even better than the luxardo cherries.
Anon
Y’all, I’m reporting from the field for the first time in a long time:
I am back in the office a couple of days a week. I am seeing other women in what was formerly largely a jeans-casual area of my city in belted sleeved midi-dresses. They look like regular dresses with fuller skirts (not sheath / not fit+flare), generally a print, but just with a longer skirt. It’s a casual look, but I am liking it better than endless jeans. Maybe no one can figure out what to wear now that skinny jeans are dead (LOL), pants don’t fit, and even we can’t figure out what boots/booties to wear with other denim cuts.
Also, when worn with boots, you can’t tell if a person is wearing long-johns / black tights / just legs underneath, so you have a much broader color pallette than just black tights + black shoes, which is refreshing.
Ribena
I’m wearing a lot of dresses like this too. I bought The Dress from Zara a couple of years ago (and dyed it green) and also got a couple in the Toast sale last year. Nice and cosy in this weather!
Anon
I’m having a hard time visualizing this. Do you have a link to a dress that’s an example of this?
Anon
No — these are just things I’ve seen in the wild. But if you’ve seen those parodies featuring prairie-style Target dresses, sort of a less fluffy more low-key version of those, below the knee, with a structured belt (not like the Gucci or Hermes, but something of shoe-type leather to go with boots). Sometimes with a soft blazer / jacket / structured sweater jacket thingie (like people say: a jacket looks professional for zoom and no one knows that that blouse is actually a long dress).
anon2
+1 to a link, but for me because it sounds right up my alley!
Anon
Like everything on this website? (found through shopstyle)
https://www.misalosangeles.com/collections/dresses
but especially the ESMEE and MELVARI on page 2
Anon
Comment in m-d. I used shop style to look for floral shirt dresses and there are a lot. Misa LA has some beautiful ones.
Anon
Governor Cuomo — this just keeps getting worse. Is AG James’s investigation the sign that it is becoming real and he may leave? Then what? Or is he just staying (like VA’s governor, albeit for a different offense)?
anon
Since he’s a democrat, I’m assuming (or hoping at least!) that the media will cover for him until people move on to a different story… It worked for Ralph Northam in Virginia, and frankly, I think progressives reacted too quickly in turning on Al Franken.
Anon
What Al Franken did was nowhere near as bad. He took a stupid, sexist photo but that’s not the same as hitting on your employees.
Anonymous
Assaulting a sleeping woman doesn’t get excused because the assaulted thinks it’s funny.
Anonymous
So having been harassed almost exactly the same way when I was starting out, and knowing my harasser did the same thing to at least three other women, I am definitely on the camp of believing the women, and also in the camp of not putting up with this in our leaders. I know the net result of that is that Democrats clean house while Republicans don’t, but I am ok with being the party that stands up for the rights of women. He should resign.
Car Audio Q
Just bought a 2011 Accord and it has an AUX for ipod. Nothing happens when I plug my phone into it. Does something exist to make it work for a current phone so I can play music from my phone through the car speakers? (Not interested in spending zillions on a whole new sound system but thought there might be an easy solution.)
Anon
I have a 2012 Corolla and after plugging in my phone charger to the USB port, I then have to press a button on my radio dashboard to change the input or whatever. Try hitting a few buttons in your car.
OP
Tried that first, checked the manual, and it says the AUX cable is for an ipod and named which versions of ipod it works for, but also says something about reading mp3s on the ipod, which makes me think that there must be a way to get it to read mp3s from my phone, right? There’s no USB port in this car, my phone charger is separate and runs from the cigar3tte lighter spot with something I bought so it’d do that.
Anonymous
In the before times I used to drive a ton of rental cars with the same connectivity issues. It’s my understanding that the particular make/model of car might have the cord or plug, but not the computer bits to make it work. As someone else suggested, you may be able to get a Bluetooth or radio adapter instead.
Lyssa
You can get an FM transmitter that will (I think I’m explaining this correctly) allow your phone to transmit a very weak radio signal that your car radio can broadcast. It was a long time ago that I used one, but I think it was about $40-$50 bucks. I had a car with the same issue, and was told that it would cost something like $1500 to fix it.
(It’s kind of a pain for long trips, as you’ll have to keep switching frequencies to find one that’s not overtaken by local radio, but it’s better than nothing.)
Horse Crazy
I have a 2015 Accord and the aux thing doesn’t work for my phone either. I just sync it with bluetooth and play music/podcasts that way. Does your 2011 have bluetooth capability?
OP
This model did not have Bluetooth. I thought it would be ok because I can bluetooth my phone to take calls via my GPS and I saw the Aux cable and figured that would work for music. sigh.
No Face
My old car was not bluetooth capable. I bought a little device that plugged into the AUX port and connected to my phone via Bluetooth for music. Maybe that would work?
anon2
I have one of these also.
Anon
Yes, there’s a bluetooth adapter you can buy at Best Buy or similar that can plug into anyplace that uses a headphones jack. I want to buy this for my husband who likes listening to AM news radio (loud volume) when he cleans up the kitchen.
Monday
Are you using an off-brand aux cable? For whatever reason, only the actual Apple brand cables reliably work in my car.
Anonymous
Are you trying to control the phone from the car stereo? With an aux cable you have to control playback from the phone itself.
Anonymous
Unrelated but be aware of the Honda recall just issued in certain states for mid-2000s and 2010s models. My Fit fell into this recall category.
Secret Secret, You Gotta Secret
It’s been a while, so let’s play! Tell us a secret. (As a reminder, please be kind to one another and feel free to just add support or acknowledgment to those sharing!)
Anonymous
This isn’t the most exciting but I got a peloton and have told none of my friends because they’re all super competitive and I just don’t wanna engage.
Anon
I picked up smoking cigarettes again last month after several years. Because I am so bored in the pandemic.
Anon
I started again while in the process of a divorce. Each time since then that I’ve thought about quitting, I say “I think this is a really bad time to quit.” Like in Airplane! with Lloyd Bridges, but not really.
Anon
I’ve been WFH for a year and in no way do I work 8 hours a day. It’s not even close.
Anon
I would have been sh*t-canned in ordinary times, but haven’t raised my hand to discuss a PT arrangement, but that is what this past year has amounted to. Maybe even 3/4 of a FTE if I am generous. My guess is that everyone is dialing it in when they can and working 24/7 when they must and otherwise trying to deal.
Anon
Same, but it hasn’t really impacted my job performance or outputs. I suspect most people don’t actually work 8 hours a day, at the office or at home.
Anonymous
Yup. So glad to see my people here! I am having no trouble maintaining work life balance, what with working three or four hours a day at most.
anon
Same. I regularly run errands, go for walks, and hit the gym during work hours. Today I took a nap, did laundry, and read a book!
Sunshine
I work about 15 hours per week and have many days when I don’t work at all. My job is project based and my work is high quality. But if there isn’t a project on my desk, then I don’t need to work so I just monitor email while I do other things I enjoy. While my job is full time, it pays like part time compared to what others make working full time in my industry. The hours worked per dollar earned calculation is about the same.
Anon
Big same here! I sometimes get jealous of my friends who are making quite a bit more money than I am, but then I remember that most days I work about 4 hours.
Anon
Same. I work like 4 hours a day at most.
anonymous
Same. Every Thursday I clean my house so it’s tidy for the weekend. Sometimes I’ll mix cocktail around 4:30.
Anon
Other than occasional non-fiction, I don’t pleasure read books written by male authors anymore. I don’t care what they have to say. I want to read about female leads anyway, and not one created in the imagination of a man.
Anonymous
So many men don’t read books written by women. My stepfather religiously completes his monthly book club pick and then, without fail, low-key hates on any book written by a woman while never acknowledging this common thread.
Ribena
Me neither. It didn’t happen intentionally…
Anon
Somewhat related, I thought Riley Sager was a woman until very recently. I read lots of thrillers, and the name sounds like a woman to me, and I never thought much about it. Then, in a recent book, there was something that just gave him away as a man (maybe something in his description of a woman or something) and I was like hm weird, so I looked it up, and sure enough, dude. He had me fooled for a while though!
Anon
I had actually just been looking at one of his books when I wrote this comment! I was looking through BOTM (Book of the Month) options and looked the author up to see if it was a man or woman. When I saw it was a man…automatic no for me.
Monday
I’m the same. I don’t care to keep it a secret. It started off as sort of an experiment, but then I never went back. Occasionally I read a male author for a specific reason, but usually I don’t even give them a chance anymore. I was so tired of feeling stereotyped, dismissed or insulted by men’s writing.
Anon
I recently got super into Fredrik Blackman but for years this was true for me. It happened inadvertently!
amberwitch
I am almost there as well – except for occasional reading of my SOs books, and rereading old favorites, I don’t think I have read a piece of fiction by a male writer for years. Happened completely organically, but at this point I might actually make it an active part of my selection proces
anon
I am horrible at work and life balancing while living with others (which I am doing for lockdown). As a result, I am always exhausted and not a fan of my own personality. I am so lucky to be with people who are lovely so I cannot complain without being a jerk but I am really looking forward to being on my own again and having a better balance so I can like the sound of my voice in my head again!
Anonymous
I had taken a year off of dating in 2019 to focus on my career and self-care and was just getting ready to return to it when this happened. By the time we come out of it, I’ll be older, rounder, more educated, and rebuilding my career as in-person events restart. None of this bodes well for me finding a mate at almost 40. I can’t help but wonder if covid took away my last years of opportunity to wed and that’s harder to process than living through covid itself.
anon
I’ve been feeling the same way. I’m choosing to trust it’ll all work out for the best because the alternative is too depressing to think about. Hugs <3
Anonymous
I fear that all we have learned about others during mask wearing, BLM, JKR’s TERF stuff, and more will prevent me from ever finding a man who is all of the things I waited for pre-2020 plus not even a tiny bit of a selfish or racist or transphobe or insurrectionist. It seems like every one of them has some moment of finding reasons why any of those wasn’t SO bad. I don’t know if things and men got worse or if it just revealed how many underlying problematic beliefs there always were. It breaks my heart.
Monday
I agree it’s grim. But on the other hand, isn’t it great not to be realizing that you’re already married to someone like this? While quarantining with him? So many women seem to be in that situation right now.
Anon
I am sure that that dude exists, but I’d find him and he’d tell me to “educate yourself” re any of the following: eating meat, eating cheese, leather shoes, leather furniture, driving a car, driving a car that is gas-powered, living in a purple state, not devoting my life solely to X, etc.
anon
nah you can be pro-science, anti-racist, and not transphobic without being a militant vegan
Anon for this
If you’re looking for a person who meets your definition of absolute perfection, yeah, you’re not going to find him. I’ve been finding recently that the more I expect perfection from the people in my life on truly complex social issues, the lonelier I become. I am trying to make a greater effort to understand other people‘s points of view and to get out of my progressive bubble.
Anon
It is somewhat terrifying that anyone would think that wanting a man who is not horrible to others nor big0ted nor supportive of assault is “absolute perfection” rather than bare minimum requirements. If you are fine accepting any of those, your bar for men must be on the floor. ugh!
Amon for this
Nah, I just wouldn’t throw out my kind, good-hearted husband of 13 years because he loves to read HP, but to each their own. If you prefer absolutist thinking, that’s your right.
anon
Reading HP does not make one a transphobe. I don’t think you understand what’s going on here.
Anon for this
so you decided to take someone’s post about not wanting to be with a TERF and make it about reading a book rather than about the intentional harm of trans people? That’s a stretch to fit it into your narrow understanding of the harm TERFs cause… unless your husband is a TERF who also reads the books? Not sure if this is a stretch or a confession about your spouse. Either way, yikes!
Anon for this
We’re both MERFs actually – male-exclusionary radical feminists. We care about the rights of men, but not when we’re talking about feminism.
Anonymous
Shouldn’t everyone be an absolutist when it comes to not being with someone who supports the direct and completely intentional harm of a marginalized community?
Anon
Sending your kids to private school because you don’t like the local schools (read: too many black and Latinx kids) is racist, and a whole ton of people on this board do that…
Anon
Speaking of absolutes, that’s an absolute bald-faced lie. I’d ask you for evidence but I know it doesn’t exist and it wouldn’t convince you even if it did.
Anon
Google the Pyramid of White Supremacy – you will see “white parents self-segregating neighborhoods and schools.” Going out of your way to send your white kids to white schools is absolutely hurting marginalized groups – but of course no one who identifies as progressive wants to admit it. I maintain it is impossible to find any white person who doesn’t engage in any racist behavior.
Anon
Anon at 2:57, I agree – my accusation of lying was to Anonymous at 2:00 pm. I agree that many women on this board perpetuate white supremacy in school choice but that they deny the impact of that.
Anon
Not a white person alive is “not even a tiny bit racist”, and we are all more than a tiny bit selfish. I think it’s better to admit we have these bad qualities and are working on them than to pretend we don’t.
Anonymous
I agree. We need to acknowledge our flaws and have open dialogue to improve, not one-way conversations that shut out all nuance.
Anonymous
I am in a battle to choose between passion, security, and solitude.
Monday
Just to play….I’m imagining that this means you have a stable marriage, but are in love with someone else, and s/he isn’t necessarily actual partner material. So you’re trying to figure out if you’re willing to leave your spouse and possibly end up alone. You don’t have to say whether I’m right!
Vicky Austin
I thought that too! Or perhaps that door #3, solitude, is leaving the partner and giving up on the someone else and living a free single life inspired by the thread above…
Anonymous
Not quite. I am in a passionate but unstable 3-year relationship but have recently been presented the option to pursue a new relationship that would be extremely stable. The current relationship means I mostly live like a single person, as I have done happily for many many years and which has its perks (see above). Faced with these choices, I wonder if just being single is better than being less than fully satisfied in a relationship, but suddenly being in a relationship feels important and worth compromise (how much?) and that has taken me by surprise.
Anonymous
I bought a pair of roller skates and am going to break them out this weekend. I guess it won’t be a secret then!
Anon
I’m going to be 55 soon and I still get my periods almost like clockwork. I look pretty young for my age, though, so I’m chalking that all up to the same parcel. My body thinks I’m a teenager still! But I didn’t think I’d still be buying tampons at my age.
Anon
I am grateful to covid for making the world understand what it feels like to have a chronic illness. So many thought I was anxious for no reason or dramatic when a symptom made me panic (is it my illness? is it just a cold?) Now covid has shown people what it feels like to always be anxious and to always question if a symptom could be an indication of a major problem coming.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I do appreciate people walking in my shoes a bit and no longer being called a worrier or dramatic as if it is a character flaw.
Anon
+1
Anon
I think I am becoming r@cist and s3xist against white straight men. It seems like every one of them in the news is an outright problem or the nice ones are later discovered to be secret problems. It isn’t that I don’t know there are truly good ones out there, I just feel more suspicious of them than of any other group of people because of how many have shown their true colors during r@pe trials, metoo, racial justice issues, mask wearing, politics, etc. sigh.
Monday
You probably already know this but: these attitudes cannot be “racist” or “sexist” because they have no institutional advantage supporting them. You can have personal prejudices against white people or men, but they’re not -isms because these groups are socially dominant. I too have fatigue and frustration toward white men.
Anonymous
No, this definition of racism and sexism is incorrect. Racism or sexism does not require a power dynamic. It is simply a bias against a particular group of people.
Monday
See definition 2a. Link: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/racism
Anon
I also disagree with the definition. I believe it muddles what racism really is, which is prejudice based on race. I understand the ideology behind your words but disagree with it.
Anon
Same.
LaurenB
You most certainly can have attitudes that are racist and/or sexist without institutional advantages. I don’t recall anyone appointing anyone the power to change that definition to “only if there is institutional advantage behind it.”
Anon
Nope.
Anony
I love my body and I think I look amazing with and without clothes. But I hate the appearance of everything above my neck, including the size and shape of my head, my face, and my hair (well, my ears are okay).
Anonymous
We are opposites, right down to the ears.
Anony
Thank you for making me laugh!
anon
After taking a break from dating, I started again and I think I am just not built to be in a relationship. I either find someone I am very interested in and they choose another person, or I find someone I am interested in and then after a month or so completely lose interest. I picked some very poor men in my 30s, which I addressed in therapy and I talk about my current issues in therapy too, but . . .
I can’t decide whether I want to never try to date, try to be casual with whomever I want, whenever I want, or just give up entirely a live my live and try not to explain my choice to people.
Monday
Bella DiPaulo has a theory that some people are “single at heart:” their natural, preferred state is single. I think there’s even a set of questions to ask yourself to explore the idea if you think it may be relevant.
anon
Oh! Thank you. I will check that out.
Anon
I just bought my first … gardening tool and it is amazing.
Anon
Which one? Does anyone have favs to share?
Anonymous
Not the original OP, but I love my Lelo Gigi 2. That said, during the pandemic I had to finally cave and get a Magic Wand with a cord, because apparently increased self gardening has been one of my pandemic hobbies and I hate having to wait for something to charge. It has made being trapped in my house for a year a lot more tolerable :)
Anon
Don’t know that it has a name, but it was highly rated on Amazon. Kind of “J” shaped for internal and external stimulation. DH is going through some med trials for depression that have tanked his libido – once he gets better the tool is designed for couples to use, but until then I’m using it solo and am a huge fan of bring able to get my needs met in a way that doesn’t put additional stress or pressure on him.
anon for this one
Yesterday my husband told me that how I act when I lose my temper is why he hasn’t wanted to start having kids yet. It threw me for such a huge loop because I was so determined to not be my mother, and I apparently already am. Yesterday also happened to be the day that a coworker confided in me that her mother was physically abusive to her as a child. (I believed her, but I was very surprised given how she’s talked about her family relationships before now.)
I couldn’t stop crying about it all. I’m really scared to move forward now because being a bad parent seems inevitable and I don’t know how to live with that.
Anon
Therapy maybe? Being a parent is so much about patience as well, which is definitely workable.
Anonymous
Hey – your past is not your future. DH was spanked as a kid including being hit so hard his mom broke the wooden spoon she was using. He has never hit our kids (he knows that is a huge red line) and often has more patience than I do.
Try couples therapy. Let your DH discuss what behaviours he is concerned about. Learn to deal with your triggers and work on building parenting skills through therapy. The ‘how’ of parenting has to be taught. Lots of us learn it from our parents but if your parents were not good parents then you need to seek out learning that skill set for yourself.
Go for it
Ok, this is patently not true; however, working it out is necessary Whether you decide to have kids or not. My mother was physically & emotionally abusive to myself and all of my siblings.
when my kids were very young I heard my mothers voice come out of my mouth and I went for therapy big time.
My thought is that you may have a rage disorder which is 100% treatable
when rotten things happen to us as little kids we have no recourse and so we end up short circuiting later
I would recommend experiential work with a trained person
Best of luck to you
Anon
I second therapy, but I will also say I have a raging temper and have even gotten physical w/my husband (not proud of it but it’s true) but I have never even come close to getting physical with my kid. I barely even raise my voice at her. It’s just different and for some reason even when she is being absolutely impossible I don’t even come close to losing my cool. Maybe it’s not this way for everyone but it is for me.
Anonymous
Same here. I have a short fuse with lots of situations and lose my temper with my husband and others sometimes, but I have never lost it with my children. (3 kids, ages 20, 12, and 10) It is just different for me.
amberwitch
It must be verfy difficult to hear that from your husband.
I think it is completely fair to examine a little closer and figure out whether you will be or can become the kind of parent that you feel your child deserves, and if not – decide not to have children. I am childfree, for many reasons, one of them being that I would be a really bad parent.
In my opinion you (the generic you) don’t need to be a parent, but you do need to make sure you are an adequate parent if you choose to take responsibility for bringing another being into the world. What that looks like will be very different for different people, but I just knew I was unable to live up to my own expectations.
Anonymous
that was the reason I decided not to be a mother. I am not going to be responsible of sending an human being to therapy for the rest of her/his life.
Anon for this
I cannot stand woke culture.
Anon
Lol
anon
Yeah being sensitive to social & racial injustice is the worst! PS – how disappointed were you that Tr*mp didn’t get inaugurated yesterday?
Anon for this
I campaigned for and voted for Biden. However, I can’t stand purity Olympics, black-and-white thinking, original sin and unforgivability, social media callouts, shadow-banning books from major retailers, trying to cancel speech that I disagree with, and thought-stopping mantras in lieu of critical thinking. I make no apologies for it.
Anonymous
Yeah, I mostly agree with this. I voted for, donated to and campaigned for Biden but I think it’s ridiculous that our kids can no longer read Dr. Seuss and Laura Ingalls Wilder. The suggestion that anyone who thinks the woke Olympics has gone too far must be a rightwing nutjob who believes in QAnon conspiracies is a huge part of why the Democratic party lost to and then barely beat the worst presidential candidate in US history.
Anon for this
Except Dr. Seuss books were retired by the company for low sales, the political stuff got added in to boost sales of what was left. Social media callouts are just holding people accountable. There is no such thing as “Cancel” anything, it’s accountability.
Anon
Amen.
amberwitch
+1000 (except for the Biden part, not being in the US)
anon
+1000 to Anon @ 1:58am.
Anonymous
I was referring to schools taking these books out for their curriculum, not anything the publisher did. My daycare no longer has any Seuss books in their library, and our public schools banned Little House on the Prairie.
Anon for this
OP of this thread and I consider the good old “it’s not cancel culture, it’s accountability” one of the thought-stopping mantras that add nothing to the conversation. If you can crib it from Instagram, it probably doesn’t mean anything.
When it comes to Dr. Seuss, I think those books should probably fall out of circulation as people realize what the different stereotypes in the content mean. Most people do care and want good books with decent values for their children. I just don’t agree with effectively banning them from circulation by discontinuing them to appease a small circle of activists.
Anonymous
Except that’s not what happened. They were removed by his publisher for low sales and his estate banned them because they say that he was originally a product of his time where racism was bigger, he grew as he evolved, and these books do not represent the man he became so they do not want these books representing him or his name or the life’s work he created. So your concept of cancel culture actually means that you aren’t okay with someone growing up and realizing they were wrong, nor their estate’s desire to support that. Do you still wear the poor fashion choices you wore in middle school? Should your spouse bury you in that for forever even though you have since grown and realized better? Of course not. This isn’t canceling anything, it’s evolution of understanding and certainly his estate has the right to stop promoting something that did not represent who he became.
You are either uneducated on the example or you are intentionally obtuse, neither of which is a good help to the point.
Anon
+1 to 2:05. I think Dr Suess would have approved of removing the books.
But I agree with a lot of what OP said.
LaurenB
But let’s be intellectually honest – Biden / the Democrats / whatever did not cancel Dr. Seuss, the Dr. Seuss foundation (or whatever) did, and they are allowed to decide they don’t want certain books re-published. No one is burning them.
Anon
yeah OP you desperately need to read up on what actually happened with the Dr. Seuss books — they were not banned and it was certainly not the doing of activists.
i have found that people who have the strongest reactions against “woke/cancel culture” are folks who have a veeeeeeery hard time admitting their mistakes and would prefer to stubbornly hold a position even in the face of new information. basically the opposite of the scientific method & a very childish way to go through life.
Walnut
Everyone I know in my “woke” circles are eliminating ALL Dr. Seuss books. Not just the six identified as racist. My daycare that would normally have celebrated Dr. Seuss canceled it this year entirely.
Anonymous
Yeah, what Walnut said. I understand that there are certain themes in certain books that are problematic and I don’t have any problems with taking those books out of circulation or amending footnotes or introductions that explain what’s problematic about them. I’m talking more about the “canceling” of individuals. My daycare also canceled Dr Seuss celebration week because “Dr. Seuss is racist.” See also that library award that removed Laura Ingalls Wilder’s name. We need to put people’s views in historical context and neither of these people were bad people by the standards of their time even if they held views that are now considered problematic. I mean, 20 years ago the vast majority of people were against same sex marriage and now virtually everyone supports it. People evolve, generally towards being more tolerant and inclusive, which is a great thing, but we don’t need to destroy the reputations of historical figures just because they don’t comport to what we consider progressive views today.
Anon for this
Exactly. The foundation removed the books because it deemed the images in six of the books to be racist (as is their right). In response, eBay has banned all sales of used copies from the platform and libraries are starting to remove them as well, just like they did with the Little House on the Prairie books. We are allowed to criticize that process, even if the original action may have been made with good intentions. I can’t support any actions that make it harder for people to buy the books that they want to read, even if the books are objectionable or offensive to others.
Anonymous
Or another example is California banning toy stores from having separate boys and girls sections. Personally, I haaaate gender stereotyping in toys. I go out of my way to buy my daughter legos, sports stuff and trucks. I once wrote a letter to a clothing store because they had “I’m so smart” t-shirts in the boys section and “I’m so cute” shirts in the girls section. It was ridiculously offensive to me and I will never shop there again. But I think this is something that should be solved by the free market and doesn’t require government action. If a store wants to go in hard on stereotypes, people like me will avoid it and it will suffer the consequences. Businesses like Primary have basically built an entire business model out of appealing to parents who hate gender stereotyping/labeling and I think that’s terrific (75% of my kid’s wardrobe is Primary). But it’s not the government’s place to regulate it and it just gives Republicans more ammunition.
Anon
Actually, the Seuss foundation (or whatever it’s called) decided to discontinue the books after meeting with “expert consultants” who said the images could be harmful to others. It wasn’t due to low sales.
Anonymous
+ 1. There is an appalling lack of critical thinking on both sides of the political aisle. The reds are anti-science and the blues are anti- political science. Each side has crazy purity tests and tries to cancel anyone who disagrees with them. No one bothers to actually study the facts before rolling out a platform of demands. And no one seems to understand that to govern you need to work together and compromise.
Anonymous
How does someone compromise with a person who wants them dead or to have fewer rights? Many are happy to compromise with finances or a time to meet or a restaurant choice, but no one should be expected to give any ground when it comes to whether it is okay to mistreat a group of people because of who they are. This is causing so many of the sticking points, though we know we always end up with inclusion so the fight against it is just a waste of time.
Anon
Overstatement of harm alert! No one wants anyone dead. Words aren’t violence.
anon
Do you need me to list the names of all the Black people who have been murdered by police or armed white teenage boys? Or perhaps I can post video of Trump’s supporters beating up Capitol police on January 6? There is absolutely a blood lust on one side of the aisle and @2:08 is correct that there is no compromise here.
Anonymous
This is a lot more complicated than the left will allow. I have personally seen friends say that unless you agree that all prisons should be abolished, you are committing literal violence against Black people. I don’t agree with that. I think it’s intellectually dishonest to draw false equivalence between moderates like myself (who think that abolishing prisons is a bad idea and that other actions will be more effective to try to rid society of racism) and the type of people who stormed the Capitol in armed insurrection. I think it shuts down debate, leads to worse policy, and makes it harder for regular citizens to engage on issues that are extremely complex. I also think it’s usually elitist. Today there is a huge divide between young people who spend a lot of time on the Internet and who go to top colleges and regular people who want to be good moral actors to others but don’t always do it perfectly.
There are, of course, extremely violent people who are hateful and whose actions cause immediate direct harm to others. They are not the focus of my point. I am more concerned about shutting down debate between good actors who see things differently and dealing in moral absolutes.
Anonymous
We are now at a point where we have the opportunity to make progress in equality. That is going to require not just rage, but figuring out real solutions. Real solutions, i.e., policy and policing changes need to be data driven. The defund the police mantra has led to more serious crime in every city that has tried it. So the current proposal isn’t to defund but to provide uniform policing standards, withdraw federal funds from non-compliant departments and make the officers personally responsible for any harm they cause if they don’t follow policy. Compromise is necessary to get this enacted and compromising in order to advance a goal is how we all move society forward. Similarly, compromise is necessary to get movement on wages, given the composition of Congress.
Anonymous
I’m already really sick of hearing about my best friend’s baby’s sleep schedule 75 times a day. I miss real conversation. I know I cannot say anything to her.
anonymous
My life post-pandemic isn’t that different from pre-pandemic life. I don’t really have a lot of friends so I’m not missing out on happy hours, brunches, etc. Only difference is that I’m WFH home now. But even when I went into the office, all the people I worked with on a daily basis are in other countries or scattered across the US. My boss is in a different state. I used to be on conference calls in my cubicle and now I’m on conference calls from my dining table.
Anon
I miss travel, both vacations and visiting my friends in other cities, but otherwise this describes me too.
Anon
Hard same!! I was centrist/a bit left before Trump and will never ever vote for a Republican now, but I hate that being liberal now means you have to be ok with erasing the experiences of biological women when it comes to things like s*xual assault and discrimination. I campaigned and donated a lot for Biden and Dems in Georgia. Anecdotally, many moderate liberal women I know feel the same way.
anon
I feel like I have developed a shopping addiction. Even when I’m not buying, I’m thinking about buying something. And yet I read all the time about minimalism and its benefits. I feel like I can’t find that spot that feels like “enough.”
Anonymous
I bought more items during the pandemic, because I didn’t have all the gear I needed to work out exclusively outdoors or at home, and didn’t have enough casual clothing for WFH. However, I think things have leveled out; my Summer shopping list is manageable.
Anon
I got hooked on beauty boxes and paid too much money for them and all the irresistible add-ons and pop-ups. It was like a 4-5 month long obsession and now that I’m coming out the other side (unsubscribed to all of them!) I see I did it because I was bored.
Anon
I am utterly sick of my husband, who might drop dead if he became unable to flap his gums for more than thirty seconds. He NEVER shuts up. I can’t have peace and quiet to read, or listen to music, or watch TV. I gave up on consuming entertainment, because I got sick of fighting with him for talking through everything.
Today I pretended to work. I took a PTO, sat down at my laptop, and messed around on the internet for eight hours. I watched Hulu with headphones. I read fanfiction. I took pointless Buzzfeed quizzes. It was amazing.
Anon
Good for you! I hope you can do that more often.
Anon
I caught my partner cheating, and he asked for a divorce, but didn’t leave it at that, he also said he had never loved me “like that”. It was a rough thing to go through and I’m still processing the rejection and mourning the marriage that I deludedly thought I had. But, OMFG are my days so, so much easier without his rants and tantrums and need to have absolutely everything be about him. It’s rough, but it’s also the best damn thing that ever happened to me, and I am overall a much happier person than I was this time last year. My friends, I did not have the spine to get rid of my man toddler years ago as I should have, but I am here to tell you that, yes, life is so much better without a man toddler in it. The secret? Hardly anyone knows why we divorced, and people keep offering me sympathy that I neither want nor deserve. My feelings are hurt, but I am so incredibly happy without him.
Anon for this
Damn, that is awful but good for you!! Your life will truly be so much better without him.
Anonymous
What a jerk, but I’m so glad to hear you’re happy and thriving without him.
amberwitch
I think I am very attractive, and have great style.
In fact, I am one of those weirdoes that likes looking at herself when in video calls. I dress up every day as if going to the office (I am not) except for the shoes. And every day I notice how amazing I look, and what gorgeous clothes I wear.
I am middle aged, so objectively I am not as goodlooking as I was (especially the skin does take a beating as you grow older) but I don’t feel that.
Anonymous
I love this. I bet it shows (in a good way)! I wish this did not have to be a secret. I like self deprecating humor but not the culture of self deprecation for women in general.
Anon
I wish hold music didn’t include the interruptions to say “thank you for continuing to wait, your call is important to us.” I can work through the hold music. I lose my train of thought every time it starts speaking to me.
Vicky Austin
Every.damn.time.
anonshmanon
they do it on purpose. By not allowing you to really focus on another thing while you are waiting, you won’t ‘waste’ 5 seconds of their time when they pick up the call and you go ‘wait a moment while I remember why I’m calling you’. It’s evil.
Anon
ugh! That makes sense, but still, UGH.
NOLA
Hey everybody, popping in to ask a fashion question (been too busy to participate). I am taking on a higher level role, right now through summer 2022, but maybe longer, if I am interested. I have always worn dresses or skirts to work, or jeans with a jacket and heels, but I don’t think the jeans look will work in my current role (although I am still primarily WFH, so currently wearing leggings, a Saints hoodie and a denim jacket). I don’t *need* new clothes, but I only own one pair of dress pants and they are ON Pixies. I have never fit particularly well into dress pants and mid-rise Pixies are a good cut for me. I ordered a couple pairs online, but they have moved to high waisted and I need to try them on, so who knows if they’ll work when they come. Any ideas for someone who is fairly thin and fit, but very little waist to hip ratio, no a$$ whatsoever, extra tummy skin, and narrow thighs? If I try pants that are made for pears, I get a weird gap thing at the top of my thighs and they just look baggy.
Thanks in advance!
Anon
BR has a lot of cuts (Avery?) that don’t work on me (pear, so #TeamLogan), so they may work on you? I find their suiting pants (often washable) to be a solid mid-rise.
Senior Attorney
I’m similar body shape and I have a whole closet full of BR Sloan pants. Similar to the Pixies but better quality.
NOLA
Oooh good idea! I will look at those. Thanks! You’re right that we have similar body shape, other than height.
Senior Attorney
And congrats and best wishes on the new job!
NOLA
Thanks so much! Even though I did a lot of it when we had the horrible boss from he!!, it’s been a while and now I’m adding all of the regular meetings, etc. We have a new CAO and I’m getting to know her, soooo… it’s just a lot. Breaking up at the same time has been hard hard, but absolutely the right thing. It’s all good!
Anon
If you like wearing dresses and skirts, just wear those. I never like the way dress pants look on me, so I just decided to embrace it and wear dresses or skirts to work every day (even in the winter, I just add tights). I own one requisite pair of black dress pants but honestly I can’t remember a single time I’ve worn them to work in the past few years. They just sit in my closet collecting dust.
NOLA
I do (a lot), but I did wear jeans here and there would like to have the option for pants, especially when it’s not tights weather but too cold in the office for a dress or skirt with bare legs.
Anon
If your current role is casual enough for jeans and a blazer, I’d sub the jeans for non-jean casual pants like various colored khakis, courdouroys, etc. As for cut, I think it’s a “try different types of cuts and see what works out” type of thing. But bootcut and wide leg are coming back into style so I’d say take advantage of your long lean frame to look good in those.
NOLA
I’m not sure if I would describe my frame as long and lean! I ordered mid-rise Pixies in twill (I think?). Will have to see. I don’t like corduroys and it’s entirely too hot for that here, although my former boss did wear them.
anne-on
You might like the Foster Pant from MMLaFleur. It is more of a ‘cigarette’ pant than a legging/jegging pant (it is straighter through the leg) but it looks great on tall and thin legs.
Anon
I like the BR Sloans and also the NYDJ pull on pants (wonderstretch maybe?).
NOLA
I think I tried NYDJ and they just stretch out too much. I have so little shape that, if pants stretch a lot, they just fall down my butt.
Anon
Have you tried Zara or Mango? I used to wear them a lot when I was very thin and straight. Those brands are not built for any curve.
NOLA
I haven’t! I have only been this size since Fall 2019, so trying on clothes at stores hasn’t really been possible. I think I just need to order and send stuff back. I don’t even know what size to order. I wear a 4 in Pixies, which is weird because I bought them before I lost more weight (I checked and they fit now) and a 26 in my Levi’s. I just have no clue.
Sunshine
I’m looking for a good product to use to seal granite countertops. I’ve been a homeowner for over a decade and am just discovering sealing counters is something I’m supposed to do every year (Ooooops!). Any recommendations?
And while we are at it, anything anyone was surprised to learn she needed to maintain once she owned a home? Because if I missed this big item, I bet someone else is too, and there are probably other things I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not. The answer to this question will be different for different climates.
Senior Attorney
Uh, if you’re just now figuring out you “need” to do it — maybe you don’t?
And to take the opposite position: I just found out that you definitely DO need to clean the lint trap in your dryer — and not just the removable screen, but the whole built-in mechanism. I was amazed at what was hiding in mine…
Senior Attorney
I have another response in mod, but coming back to say if you have rain gutters, they need to be cleaned out more often than never. Same with HVAC ducts and filters (filters need to be replaced).
Sunflower
Your dryer vents and ducts need to be thoroughly cleaned of lint periodically. If you don’t do it, there’s a risk of fire. In my neighborhood there are off-duty firefighters who have side businesses doing this work. Take a look at firemandryerman dot com to learn more about the safety issues.
anon
You’re supposed to clean out your dryer vent more often than never as well.
Anonymous
I had no idea just how much maintenance is required. My parents never maintained their houses and got away with it because they lived in a place with low humidity and very little rain. When they went to sell the last one, the inspector saw daylight through the roof. I didn’t know that A/C units and water heaters only last 15 years, that you have to pressure-wash houses every year, that you constantly have to replace rotted trim and decking, that windows fail, etc. I had the vague idea that I would need to put in more money and effort than my parents had, but I didn’t realize I’d be doing a project every other weekend and spending tens of thousands of dollars every year just to keep the house from falling apart, not even to make it nice. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have kept renting apartments and moving every few years when they started to get shabby.
Blueberries
I love this thread!
If your downspouts empty underground, periodically check pipe that goes from the downspout away from your house—they can get completely clogged.
Anon
A lot of granite doesn’t have to be sealed. We redid our kitchen in 2015 and they told us sealing was unnecessary.
Anon
We use Miracle Sealants Impregnator, but we also have quartzite (the light kind, so like basically marble) and have to seal every 6-12 months. If you have dark granite it may not matter. You’re also supposed to get your furnace/hvac system maintained yearly – I did not know that until mine stopped working.
Anonymous
Clean your kitchen cabinets! The door and the little grooves in them get absolutely disgusting.
Anonymous
Change the air filters for your heating system?
Anonymous
my SIL and her roommates went four years without changing the air filter in their house. we had to pry it out in pieces because it had become like..caked…and glued into the slot
Anonymous
Those of you who receive a performance review and have compensation / salary discussions, what’s happened in the last 18 months?
Me: electronic health care record analyst, workload increased, transitioned to fully work from home, reviews frozen in 2020, just had my “2020” review and got a 3.5% raise (not retroactive, effective next pay period).
My spouse: new lawyer, not sure what normal workload is, mostly work from home, review in January and 2% raise effective Jan 1.
Anon
2.5%. While not a huge increase, my pay had been stagnant and dropping at my previous job which was trying to get me to quit for 3 years. Like another poster, I ended up with both severance and a new job, so I’m not exactly complaining.
Anon
I’m in higher education. We normally get 2-3% annual raises. They didn’t happen in 2020. Unclear if they’ll happen this year.
pugsnbourbon
Same. My wife is healthcare-adjacent, worked her ass off this year, and got a raise and a sizable (for us) bonus.
Anon
Oh Lord, I’m in higher ed and we haven’t had raises in years. The only reason I’ve had any increases at all was teaching (and being paid for an overload) and now taking on a higher administrative role.
Anon
Same here, for both spouse and me. We were happy the threatened furloughs didn’t end up happening, as the state budget situation looked better by the next of the year, but the outlook for hiring and raises is still not great.
anon
I hate our review rating system as it is curved and even people who are considered top performers get rated as meets expectations. It’s garbage. That said, I was rated at a meets expectations, got a 15% raise, and 150% multiplier on my bonus due to my performance.
anon
oops – forgot to say that I am in-house counsel
Anonymous
No raises for 2020 in order to “demonstrate to clients that we are tightening our belts.” However, our overhead rates were increased retroactive to the beginning of 2020. The way our billing and accounting work, I have to cut labor hours on my projects to cover the increase, which means I somehow have to get the same amount of work done with less staff time. I am not pleased.
Anon.
Insurance broker; workload increased because the market is terrible; +2% but better than normal bonus.
Spouse in manufacturing industry; +4.75% but no bonus for anyone at company.
Anon
OP – sorry to be nosey, but I am so curious what you do actually? I have never seen your title before. I am in healthcare now, but have had to drastically change my lifestyle because of family issues and need to probably work from home long-term. Wondering what you do and if my skill set is transferable (Ie. I know all the medical stuff , but I’m not a programmer… if that is what you do).
Anon
Work in local government public health. This year was insane for us. Got a pay cut.
Anon
In tech. EOY review was nothing but praise, though all my development goals were put on hold due to no travel. Got 3% as of the New Year, and was told that it was a struggle and I should be grateful because of Covid losses. Then the company announced the purchase of a gigantic new research facility that will double production capacity. I am already job searching, so it was just more confirmation that I’m right to do so.
NonnyNon
Ours usually happen in March, so last year had occurred right before COVID became a thing. Company had something like a 20% increase over last year in business, so I was expecting decent raise/bonus–normal is maybe 2-3% for each. Got a promotion (which I should’ve got last year but politics) but only a 5% raise and 5% bonus. Better than nothing! But a bit cheap considering I know how well the company did last year (multinational huge company that is healthcare adjacent)
NY CPA
Annual performance cycles happen in August. Typical raises are around 5% across the board, more in a promotion year. In 2020, only promoted people got raises, less than would have been expected normally, no bonus. Everyone else stayed flat. Then we did much better than expected and for the first time in everyone’s memory, they did mid year raises effective the start of January for everyone (including the people that got promoted and got raises earlier), and small bonuses. We’re doing raises and bonuses early this year due to continued good performance/ to incentivize everyone whose been working non-stop the past few months with no real breaks, and we have already been told the bonus pool is likely the highest in the history of the firm. So basically we made out just fine.
EM84
In consumer pharma, our annual bonus reflects total global corpo sales, which were above target and we got a multiplicator, which meant I got 20% bonus instead of 18% (of annual salary, gross). Annual performance reviews (December) have little impact on salary review (March), unless you were chosen as top 10% global overperformers. HR gives us salary increase bands for each employees, I check if they were among the top10% or among failed objectives, check where their salary is vs benchmark and based on this, I choose from the increase interval HR gave me. I got 4.2% and most of my reports got between 3.5-4.5% (each of them is based in different Central East Europe country). I address any big salary gaps or salary bumps in summer, so that I get no chalenge from HR or management. Somehow, when you try to do this around the time of year when everyone is watching their wallets, you get plenty of rejections.
Anony
The thread about what people enjoy about being single made me wonder: do you really not pass gas in front of your SO? DH and I do multiple times per day because we have a very high fiber diet, and we laugh and make commentary every single time. Maybe we are really just eight year olds hiding out as 40 year olds. I’d miss that part of being married if he were gone.
anon
No, I don’t. I grew up in a pro-farting household (dad, bro, 1 sister) and hated it. It’s disgusting. I will not inflict that on others.
Anon
I also hate the laughing about it that becomes almost celebrating it, but I don’t avoid doing it in front of my SO.
anon
So do you just hold it in? I would hate to inflict that level of discomfort on myself in my own home.
Anonymous
I’ve never really felt like I even have the ability to hold it in. Once in a while, but not all the time and definitely not at all when I was pregnant so I don’t understand how someone could avoid farting in front of a spouse forever.
anon
you fart in the bathroom, where farting belongs
Anon
Looool do u fart like twice a day? How do u hold it in on the journey there? This seems like so much effort for a harmless bodily function!
Anon
Yeah we do. I get avoiding it in the early days of dating, but I don’t see how you can be married for a long time and avoid it forever. He saw much, much worse when I gave birth. I will say my husband farts SO much lately and always super loudly and I do find it kind of gross and unromantic. I made him switch to lactaid milk but it doesn’t seem to be doing much.
Anon
My husband and kids do it and call out each other the entire time. I don’t. It just seems gross to me. My kids say mom has a butth0le of steel, haha
Anon
This was an unexpected perk of dating a Deaf man. I could fart and blame the dog.
Senior Attorney
This reminds me of a video that went around the internet a while back of a teacher explaining to her incredulous Deaf students that yes, people can HEAR your farts!
Horse Crazy
LOL I thought the same thing! Honestly, I thought that about a lot of the things listed – maybe my SO and I are just immature and weird, but we do a lot of the things that people listed as things for single people only…
Anon for this
Ha, same.
Anon
Like what?
Anon
Same here! I couldn’t really relate but it was a fun read. And we fart alll the time
anon
I don’t think it was “for singles only”… just a little appreciation thread for people seeking silver linings!
Anonymous
My DH is weirdly anal (ha) about excusing oneself afterwards. I miss my brief living-alone days when I did not have to apologize to anyone.
Anon
We do not fart in front of each other except for rare accidents. My husband also thinks belching is gross so I avoid doing it in front of him. If we have to fart, we go to a different room. We tend to do separate hobbies after dinner which is prime farting time anyway so we are by default in different rooms.
Anonymous
What I’m really wondering after reading this thread, is how much are you (plural, not OP) normally farting? Unless having eaten very heavily animal based and getting slightly constipated, I can’t remember passing anywhere as much gas as you’re describing here.
Anonymous
I pass gas dozens of times a day. My diet is fairly normal and I go #2 every other day at least and am not constipated. The internet says the average person farts 15 times a day.
Anonymous
I just bought a pair of jeans, and they fit pretty close to perfect. Actually prefect would be half an inch shorter and half an inch roomer in each thigh. I know there are ‘rettes here who are really knowledgeable about fabric. These jeans are 94% cotton, 5% polyester, and 1% spandex. What should I expect after washing? I think pants tend to shrink in length, not width right? Does the high cotton content mean that the thighs will relax with wear?
Cat
Wash first, and then hem if needed.
Pants that have a bit of stretch tend to relax a bit with wear, so it’s best to buy them a touch snug to get the perfect fit after a few wears IMHO.
Anonymous
Can any employment lawyers help me out? I have hundreds of days of accrued paid sick leave. I recently requested to take two weeks of sick leave for health reasons (I didn’t disclose the specifics, just asked for two weeks of sick leave). My employer told me I had to use FMLA concurrently, which I think is reasonably standard, right? I talked to my doctor, who said she would sign FMLA paperwork, so I filled out the paperwork requesting FMLA and sent it to my employer. Now my doctor is refusing to sign it, saying my health condition isn’t “serious.” My employer says if I don’t get them the FMLA Medical Certification from my doctor in the next three days, they have the right to terminate me. I don’t understand how they can do this when I have more than enough paid sick leave to cover my absence. Our employer’s policy does say that if your sick leave exceeds 10 consecutive work days you need a doctor’s note, but my leave was exactly 10 work days so it would appear not to apply. My doctor is also willing to provide a note about my absence, she’s just unwilling to say it’s a “serious” health condition as required by the FMLA form. I pointed this out to HR, and they said that since I requested FMLA leave (at their insistence!) the corporate policies around sick leave no longer apply and I’m governed by the stricter FMLA rules which give you 15 days from the date you initiate the request to get all the paperwork on file. This seems incredibly unfair, but is it legal? I also have more than enough accrued vacation time to cover this absence – I don’t want to use vacation on a health issue, but if the alternative is getting fired I obviously would. But they’re saying I can’t use vacation either.
EM84
This is such a buro nonsense! Do you have the request from hr or superior about not using sick leave but apply for fmla in writing?
Anon
Ask for a reasonable accommodation under the ADA to use sick leave, it’s a lower bar than FMLA, and while you’re at it, escalate to someone in your HR department who knows what they’re doing (and get a new doctor).
Anon
+1 It’s outrageous that you’ve worked somewhere long enough to accrue that much sick leave and they say they’ll fire you over a bureaucratic mistake.
Anon
Agree. The ADA may apply to your condition and if it is does, a 2-week medical leave of absence will likely be considered a reasonable accommodation irrespective of whether FMLA applies or not. These are two separate statutes that can provide you with job-protected leave, so it is irrelevant if you are able to get FMLA certified if you are asking for an accommodation under the ADA. This should really be a no-brainer, especially since the leave you are asking for is extremely modest. It is also incorrect that your employer can dictate whether you ask for leave under FMLA vs. ADA. You are in the driver’s seat with asserting your rights under either statute. I’m sorry this is happening to you. If your leave is not granted when requested under the ADA and/or you do suffer adverse consequences are work for requesting this leave, get an employment lawyer.
Scotland
Dreaming of future travel. Any recommendation for Speyside Airbnb or b&bs? Somewhere warm, inviting, either serving delicious food (some vegetarians in the group) or near delicious food. No car (this would be a train + bus adventure, maybe some taxis as needed).
Same request for Inverness! Thanks, all! ??
Liz
I need travel ideas, please no negative comments. I am fully vaccinated and tested positive for antibodies for covid before getting vaccinated. I work at a school, admin, and it has been an exhausting year. I live in a very red state and I need a break. I normally go to Europe in the school to visit family. I couldn’t last summer and doubt I will this upcoming summer either.
Any ideas for South America or Caribbean countries that are similar to Europe? I love museums, history, easy public transport, etc… I am not a lay on the beach for the day type of person. I would love ideas for places to visit. Thank you.
Anon
This is not directed just at you, but for all the people who want to plan trips but also want to dictate that nobody comment on their choices, maybe this place is not the right place to ask? You have the whole worldwide web at your fingertips, I bet you can find some inspiration.
Anonymous
Different poster but why on earth are you censoring this question?