Weekend Open Thread

83 Comments

1. Wanted to thank whoever recommended the Old Navy Strappy Powersoft tank – it is perfection for an average-chested light workout. I’ve been using it for cycling and weights and it’s flattering and supportive, and I’ve washed (air dried) once and it’s held its shape and color nicely.

   1. Another thank-you post from me – thanks for the tips about mountain bikes when I posted a few weeks ago! I ended up finding a great bike with all the components I wanted and it even came in under budget. Really glad to have a fun new bike just in time for some lockdown-lite again – I need something fun and COVID-safe to do and mountain biking is it. The new bike is already such an upgrade from the old! Thanks again.

   2. That was me I think! Very glad it worked for you!

      1. Oh, thanks both! I missed that post and just ordered one!

2. Welp, it happened. I cried at work today, for the first time in years. Too many big, complicated projects coming on top of my biggest deadline of the year (which is today), and I cracked and couldn’t hold back anymore. Luckily the only person who saw is someone I trust, but I still feel embarrassed.

   1. It happens. At least it’s Friday. Hopefully things get better soon.

   2. Sounds like your human. Hang in there.

      1. *you’re

   3. I work in HR and this happens to a SHOCKING number of people of all genders and ages. Don’t give it a second thought. Have a good weekend!

   4. I cried at work last Friday! Hang in there. I hope next week is better for you.

   5. I cried in front of all sorts of people last year and got promoted. It’s not a big deal. People have emotions. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

      Normalize people having emotions and not being robots.

      1. Amen.

   6. I’m a partner in BigLaw and am totally unfazed by crying. We have stressful jobs. Crying is a human reaction to stress. I cry too! It doesn’t change a darn thing about how qualified and competent anyone is to do the work. Don’t feel embarrassed at all.

   7. If Congressman Adam Kinzinger can cry at work this week, you can too. Hugs!

3. Just had a situation with a guy in which 20 something me would have tolerated being less than a priority with a man 3 mos into something but late 30 something me (today me) saw it and decided to call it out and then call it off. Really frustrated and bummed as it had much potential and aligned on paper, but I am trying to focus on being proud of myself for letting it go when this came up rather than to go into “pick me choose me pay attention to me” or even “what’s wrong with me that he isn’t?”

   Dating is near impossible at this point so I’m willing to deal with a lot more in some ways, but inconsistency and lack of clarity aren’t it. sigh.

   1. That sucks. And good for you.

   2. Good for you.

   3. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you! Have a decadent dessert tonight and celebrate valuing yourself.

   4. Yay and boo! Hugs, Original!

   5. This was a power move. I’m serious. I bet once the emotional disappointment (in him) wears off, all that will be left is lasting pride and deepened trust in yourself.

      1. Agree, Monday. So d-mn hard; so so strong.

4. Does anyone work at a law firm that does a “discretionary 401(k) contribution?” What does that mean? I’m coming from a corporate past where they communicate a percentage match. Thanks!

   1. Is it just a profit sharing? I am currently at a firm with no match, but at the end of the year (beginning of next year really) they do a deposit based on the firm’s profits. I miss my match, TBH.

   2. My previous law firm did this, usually as a percentage of salary. It’s basically a way to avoid a match in years where the firm isn’t profitable. So, in a good year, you’d get a 3% contribution to your 401(k), as would employees who typically were not bonus eligible like secretaries, HR, etc. You might also get a discretionary bonus in addition to the hours-based bonus. In a bad year, you got any bonus you earned based on hours, and that was it.

   3. In 401k jargon, there are two types of company match – discretionary and safe harbor. If the plan uses a safe harbor match, it can avoid a lot of nondiscrimination testing but has to meet specific IRS rules regarding the amount of match given to employees. With a discretionary match, the employer either doesn’t provide a match as rich as the safe harbor rules require, or does provide a rich enough match but doesn’t want to be locked into the safe harbor rules (notices to participants, limited ability to stop making matching contribs, and vesting rules are the biggest sticking points).

      The term “discretionary” is somewhat misleading, because whether it’s a discretionary match or a safe harbor match, the employer can stop or change the matching formula if it jumps through certain IRS hoops.

      1. This was a problem for one large company I worked for. Our main profit sharing vehicle was a discretionary 401K match but we kept getting it capped lower than the company would have liked because too many people on the lower end of the income spectrum didn’t contribute to the 401K at all, so the profit sharing looked discriminatory. It was super frustrating to be a 20 something who scrimped and saved in order to be able to participate in the 401K and get the match, while plenty of my 20 something coworkers were at the bars every Friday and Saturday and said they were too strapped to contribute…. I realize that’s not the case for all lower income earners, but it was for the department I worked in!

         1. Yikes, judgmental much?

            1. I wanted that match, friend! I was poor.

5. Can anyone recommend someone for wills, trusts and estate planning in the Tampa, FL area? Thanks in advance!

   1. Oooh, or one in the Plano, Texas area?

   2. Estate planning lawyers recommended within my local-to-Tampa neighborhood group of very discerning and finicky women: Diane Zuckerman,Lauren Taylor, Dax Nelson, Lori Vella.

   3. https://www.barnettbolt.com/attorneys/

      Our family used an attorney from here who is retired but the firm does good work and has a good reputation.

6. My sister just finished law school and she took the bar exam this week. She has an offer from the same firm I’m at [I’m a forth year associate in biglaw and I working towards making partner]. However, after the bar exam she dropped a bomb on my parents that she committed to joining the military as a military lawyer back when she was a law student and she will be on active duty as soon as she passes the bar. I don’t know what to think, I’m a bit miffed, my mom is distraught and my dad is angry. We didn’t see this coming at all, our whole family is shocked. It isn’t about money because she had full rides for undergrad and law school. I’m also worried that her turning down the biglaw offer [she was a summer student here] will look bad on her or affect her in the future. Normally I mind my own business but this is so far out of character and out of left field I don’t know what to think.

   1. I don’t think there’s anything for you to do, other than to be supportive as she pursues this obligation. It doesn’t sound like there’s any decision or action for you to take. All you can do is support her. You might consider asking why she decided to do this, but only if you can do so nonjudgmentally. Don’t worry about the firm or her future. Just invest in and sustain your relationship with her and support her in how she is choosing to live her life. And thank her for her service.

   2. Those are kind of extreme emotions for a full-grown adult’s career decision. She can support herself and probably, watching you go through Biglaw, decided she didn’t want to do it. She’ll have a perfectly good reputation from launching her career in the military.

      Perhaps you’re worried this will reflect poorly on *you* and that’s where all this is coming from? I doubt you have to worry about it – it’s not like she bailed for a competitor after accepting an offer, she decided to do something totally different. And that’s ok.

      Try to go from “miffed” to “surprised but supportive” and your relationship will be a lot happier.

      1. This this this.

         And I hate to break it to you but nobody but people in BigLaw care about BigLaw. And even those people understand that not all the summer associates are going to accept their offers.

         I think your sister sounds like a badass and she probably kept it quiet all this time because she knew how the family would react.

         1. this is such a biglaw person reaction. it’s not like she’s hooked on drugs and moving to a cardboard box on the street; not everyone needs to make gobs of money for faux prestige.

         2. She was always keen to follow in the footsteps of our parents and both our grandfathers (all biglaw partners). She never mentioned the military or her decision to not apply at law firms after she is done in the military. That’s why I was a little worried about her. It just seemed so sudden. I’m not mad at her or anything like that.

            1. Well, if this post is real… sounds like sister is about to break the cycle of abuse :)

            2. Your family sounds like a nightmare to me. I mean … do you realize what you are describing? It does not sound healthy, at all.

               No wonder she wanted to escape……

            3. Obviously, she was not so keen to follow that path.

         3. +1 million to no one who isn’t in Big Law cares about Big Law.

      2. +1. A classmate of mine did military law after graduating, did however many years, and now works in Biglaw. Law firms love stuff like that. Your sister will be fine, and I don’t think your firm will care since people decline offers all the time for all kinds of reasons. This is a better reason than most!

         1. She said she plans on becoming a public defender or working for a nonprofit when she completes her military service. She has ruled out firm positions, which is strange as our parents and grandfathers are biglaw partners and I’m on my way to being on (hopefully). She always said she wanted that too and the change was sudden which is why I’m worried.

            1. Maybe she thought she wanted it based on family lore but once presented with the reality, realized the reason it pays so much money is that it’s kind of awful as a job for most people.

               I was in BigLaw for 6 years and as a mid level, felt similarly to you – I was in my groove, clients liked me, I was learning a lot and well respected, I was being encouraged to stay and go for partner. But. Once I realized I wasn’t interested in winning the pie eating contest, I bowed out! Sounds like your sister has come to that conclusion earlier than most.

            2. OMG again, with all due respect, is it any wonder why she kept this to herself?

               OP, you live in a bubble. There is literally not one single thing for you to be worried about, other than perhaps the fact that you live in a bubble.

            3. Given that all of you are biglaw partners (which I find a little fake and wonder if this is even real), sister breaking the mold should be the least surprising thing ever.

            4. It’s completely understandable to everyone outside this situation why she kept it quiet!

            5. This must be a joke. Congrats to your sister who sounds great.

            6. This is clearly a troll: look at all the wacky typos. Don‘t think you are going to make partner with your orthography, sunshine… LOL!!

            7. Tell your sister I’m incredibly proud of her for breaking a cycle of choices that she saw weren’t going to work for her. I (and it appears many other people here) are rooting for her as she pursues her own goals and breaks her own path. Her courage is inspiring.

      3. This.

      4. Plus she didn’t even accept an offer, she just got an offer. Sis, you need to myob.

         1. Based on the timing (sister was a summer associate last summer, and now is a grad), sister would have gotten the offer for a permanent position last fall – it would have been really unusual to not accept or decline at that point, but I’m not clear whether she accepted it and is withdrawing, or whether she never accepted in the first place, or whether her commitment to join the military predated even accepting the summer position (which would have been nearly a whole year earlier, as it happens in the fall of 2L year). (BTW, I know two people who summered at firms for the cash, but went into military roles post-grad, so this isn’t unheard of.)

            But. in any event the firm will “get over it” in no time flat to the extent they even care. Maybe OP will get a little teasing (“what, did you scare her off?”) but nothing serious.

   3. I think this is one of the few situations where turning down a Biglaw offer will not look bad for her. You’re right that she may not get another immediate offer from Biglaw, but that’s because they tend to have a rigid lockstep culture that doesn’t necessarily adjust for military service, not because they think poorly of her. But even if that’s the case, the legal world is larger than Biglaw, and careers are long. She is fortunate to have graduated without significant debt and to have choices available to her.

      FWIW, an acquaintance of mine is a military lawyer. From his FB posts, his family seems to have had a wonderful year in Japan, with a few trips to Hawaii, since the pandemic began.

   4. Oof, I hope you’re venting to us here because you can’t have this reaction in front of her in person. I know a handful of people who entered the military like your sister, and it was always because they knew it was the right decision for *them* and also that their family and friends would try to talk them out of it.
      Anyway, my husband is a career jag lawyer and while it’s a life not without its challenges, it is a great life for our family. For most people, entering jag corps is not a forever-career, and many of the young lawyers hubs started with are now working in amazing civilian careers, either in the gov’t (AUSAs for example) or in private practice (equity partner in biglaw in DC for another example). Please be supportive of your sister to her face, even if you and your family need to vent in private/anonymously on the internet.

      1. PS, baring unforeseen events, if safety is a concern, now is a great time to be active duty. Many jags can’t get deployments (like, their requests are being turned down) because of the US drawdowns.

   5. This is a great move for her. She can avoid the soul crushing early big law life, do something SHE has chosen to do and clear cares about, and that will set her up for tons of job paths outside if the military if she chooses. The GC of the multi-billion dollar company I work for is former JAG and is universally beloved (for good reason, they rock). Companies and firms love this type of experience on a resume. You need to take off your Big Law or nothing glasses, congratulate her, and wish her the best (sincerely).

   6. Being a military lawyer instead of yet another BigLaw attorney will help her career not hurt it. Maybe she just cares about serving her country? Idk why this would cause anyone to be distraught or angry.

   7. You think, “Good for sister, how can I support her?”

   8. Side comment:

      If your family (parents, grandparents) and you are biglaw, I would think that probably even freed your sister a little bit to “live outside the box”, considering she doesn’t have law school debt, and can pursue a passion. Your sister is incredibly lucky to even have the option to do thinks like military or government service work as a PD later–many folks cannot swing these, even with IBR, due to other obligations.

      Support her in this noble pursuit! It is admirable!

   9. You’re talking about this as though it’s “sudden,” but it’s only sudden to you. You don’t seem to know how the military works, but I can assure you that the recruitment process for this takes time. She’s had a lot of time to think about it. The real problem you need to spend time thinking about, as everyone else notes, is why she can’t trust you or your family enough to discuss this with you as she went through the process.

      For comparison’s sake, I was considering joining Navy OCS after graduating from undergrad, and my parents were involved in the process, enough so that my dad went down with me to the testing center when I had my exams. I had months of conversations with the recruiter to make sure I knew what I would be getting into. On the other hand, the person I didn’t tell was the dude I was dating but not super committed to. And that was less about the level of commitment and more about what I suspected he would say (and I was right).

7. I am in my early 40s. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, and in discussions with my doctor, have decided that it’s time for bariatric surgery. I will certainly lose some weight, and people would notice. I’m trying to decide how to characterize it at work and what to do when people inevitably comment. If you’ve been through this, either as the patient or an onlooker, what are some graceful ways to talk about substantial weight loss without being awkward or sharing private medical information? I theoretically would be happy to disclose the surgery but I think there’s a stigma and I want to avoid that.

   1. “I actually don’t discuss my weight with others. Thanks for understanding!”

   2. I have been there. I found people didn’t comment nearly as much as I expected them too. It mostly happened when I bought new clothes, even if the old ones had been hanging off me.

      Early on I was shy/embarassed and I often said “I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you,” which worked surprisingly well. (Follow up, “No, really. I would literally have to kill you and neither of us wants that.”) Later on (after everybody was already used to the weight loss and it was too late to matter), I would tell anybody and their brother. And now, 11 years later, swear to G*d I forget about it most of the time and also I feel like it’s nobody’s business so I might go with something like “my body is boring — let’s talk about something else.”

      1. Also: Congratulations! If you want to chat about related matters, hit me up at seniorattorney1 at gmail!

   3. A couple of relatively close relatives had bariatric surgeries a few years back, your age and lower. I am an observant person, but I only knew that the surgeries had happened because somebody else in the family told me. I don’t think it was a secret, but it never came up. Sure, the family members lost weight, but I just assumed that they had wanted to lose weight, did something, and then how, how much, why, whatever – none of that was my business. I just quietly observed that X had lost weight and would NEVER have made any sort of comment or asked about how or why.

      I don’t generally talk about weight, diets or work-outs with colleagues, though, and I’m guessing your does? You can do whatever you want. You don’t owe anybody any information at all. Zero. If you want to say “Huh. So did you write the minutes to the Brown meeting yet?” that’s fine. Or you can say “I think you’re right, I have lost some weight. How about you, do you still do pottery on weekends/eat raw chicken/whatever” and that’s fine. You can say “I don’t talk about peoples bodies at work” unless of course, you previously have and it’s a change, and then you can say “I’m trying to be very conscious of not talking about peoples bodies at work”.

      And you can always, always be cheerful (vomit-inducing, tooth-achingly sweetly cheerfully positive) and shut everything down. “You’re right! So kind of you” It’s so boring, though! How about those new WFH regulations, do you think it’s the right move from corporate?

      1. Thanks so much to all of you. I would be perfectly happy to never talk about bodies, EVER, but sometimes people raise it with me. I lost some weight with Whole30 a few years ago (and gained it all back, ugh) but during that weight loss, I had multiple people at work who wanted to congratulate me, know how I did it, etc. I think they all mean well and I am terrible at setting boundaries with people who intend only kindness. I love the idea of saying “I don’t talk about my body,” but it requires me to be more boundary-assertive than I usually am. Anyway, thank you so much for all the input – this has been helpful and given me lots to think over.

   4. In the “onlooker” camp, while it’s none of my business, all I want to know is that people are losing weight by choice and not illness. If it is the latter, it is only because I would want to do what I could to help.

   5. Two years ago I lost almost 40 pounds in six months. I had been dieting but then was diagnosed with lymphoma, which burns through the calories so fast that before treatment I lost 6 pounds in a week, eating like crazy. Anyway, I did get a few “wow, you’ve lost weight” comments in the office, to which the answer “thanks” was the only discussion. One woman said “You’ve lost a lot of weight: Did you do it on purpose or are you sick?” Yeah, I’ve got a deadly disease, thanks, and I’m going through chemo. So I said “yes I planned to lose weight” because it was true. I did want to say something snarky to her but didn’t want the whole office to know about my disease and course of treatment.

      I would just have an answer ready like “I’ve been focusing on my health after this terrible 18-month pandemic.” or something similarly bland and then change the subject. How about those Yankees/Tigers/Bears!

      1. I ran into this with one of our engineers. We had several directors visiting from out of state at an offsite who hadn’t seen him in several months. They were discreet enough to direct their questions about his weight to me (I’m their VP’s EA, so I’m used to this kind of asking-but-not-asking thing). It was less “Jeez what’s up with *Bob losing so much weight” and more genuine concern that he was okay – but also not wanting to put him on the spot if he had health problems.

         I thought about it a bit, summoned up some courage, and asked him straight out, “Hey *Bob, I’ve noticed you’ve lost quite a bit of weight lately…erm…congratulations?” with a very clear inflection of “Should I stop now or should I say yay you look great, good job?”

         It turned out that *Bob had made a major commitment to weightloss for health reasons (he was a fluffy man with some other medical issues) and was superduper pleased that I (and others) noticed.

         Then I got a 20m rhapsody about keto and its associated benefits, which is fine because I happen to like *Bob quite a lot.

         He did mention that he appreciated that I phrased it in a such a way that if it was due to darker, more unpleasant reasons like Coach Laura above me that it could be answered in a way that didn’t require divulging information. (If it’d be a “No”, my response would have been, “Understood, please let me know if I can help in any way” and then discussion over.) Apparently he’d gotten some real doozies of inquiries more along the lines of HOLY HELL *BOB WHY ARE YOU SO SKINNY, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU.

         If it’s a super noticeable weight loss, I think you can ask (or be asked) without it coming off as prying, but you need to have a good relationship with the asker/askee and be prepared to shut someone down/be shut down if they don’t choose to discuss it which is also entirely 100% their/your right.

         Coach Laura, I hope that your treatment went well and that you are entirely lymphoma-free or at least in solid remission.

         *Bob name not real, of course

         1. Thank you, yes still in remission for 25+ months now.

8. Review of product posted here:

   I bought a 6-month Universal Yums subscription for my husband for Christmas. Inconsistency and sloppiness by USPS* made it so I didn’t realize we missed a month, so when they stopped coming after five months, I reached out to CS. They said the missed month was too far out of date to track, but sent an extra month to make up for it at no charge.

   Foods have all been either excellent or “weird, but I’m glad I tried it” except for only one item, a snack cake from Turkey that tasted like wet sand.

   * Not related to the DeJoy dismantling, our small rural post office has always been bad. We get the noobs and trainees because the workload is small, then as soon as they’re competent they get sent to a bigger city.

   We hope to move soon, and after we’re settled in what is hopefully a more competent district, I plan to renew the subscription.

9. Bougie Q – if you’re richish what are the investing goals beyond the market/retirement vehicles/paying off mortgage? Real estate (flipping? investing? second homes?) Angel investing? Big thanks for any good resources to start reading about this.

   1. Index funds. I’m risk averse and don’t want the effort of a second home. I’m probably not as wealthy as you though. I think the vast majority of our wealth will be in retirement funds but we will probably have $5M+ when we retire.

   2. Market. I don’t have goals beyond the market really – I wouldn’t do private placements or angel investments because I just tend not to believe in many of the ideas pitched; I’d like to do real estate but don’t have the bandwidth for it. Market OTOH I can watch moving averages of stocks all day long and I enjoy doing it. So the goal is then just to grow the portfolio (not just the retirement one which is boring but the discretionary one). Eventually I’d like to do real estate but I don’t see that until my 50s as I’d have to slow down some on my job — so 10 years at the earliest.

   3. Do a financial plan, assess your risk tolerance, and assess what a diversified investment strategy looks like. Also assess how much time you have and how you want to spend it. E.g., we have rentals, but only because my husband doesn’t mind managing them.

   4. It sounds like you’re looking to learn about asset allocation or portfolio design. I’m not actually sure what books are most accessible for a lay person but those are the terms you are looking to research. Asset types include equities, bonds, derivatives, real property, private equity, and so forth. If you’re wealthy enough to be an “accredited investor,” you have access to a number of investment opportunities that most lay people do not. It can be a cool opportunity to spend some time considering co-investing in a local business (a small- or medium-sized operating business isn’t necessarily angel investing), go heavier on public equities (and there is an argument for going much heavier for longer than a financial advisor might tell you if the positions are well-diversified among sectors, etc.). It can also be an opportunity to “invest” in yourself/your network/your interests by, say, donating to secure a board seat on a non—profit you care about. Like others allude to here, it’s important to acknowledge that a second home or “investment property” can be construed as acquiring an ongoing expense (in both money and your time).

      1. REITs are another way to gain real estate exposure without the single-asset risk and ongoing expense.

   5. I’m not here (yet, hopefully) but I plan to significantly increase my donations. I’m hoping it’ll be a combination of heavily funding an org doing amazing, on the ground mutual aid, filling teacher wishlists, conservation projects, or just adding a zero to donations when I’m asked.

      FWIW, I won’t be focusing on tax sheltering but rather on how to multiply the efforts of others.

10. Undereye dark circles help?
    In the last year or so (turned 40) they have gotten worse – I’ve lost a bit of fat under the eyes but the discoloration (skin turned translucent and darkish color shows through) is what bothers me more. It looks worse on video calls with overhead lighting. Just moved my desk to face a window.

    I know about getting enough sleep and drinking enough water and am trying on those fronts. I have a very minimalist skincare routine (Cerave facewash, moisturizer, sunscreen, The Ordinary’s Buffet at night). Can you recommend an easy product to improve the undereye circles or if not, a concealer to hide them?
    I liked RMS Beauty concealer when I tried it sometime ago, perhaps I’ll go back to that for coverup. But taking it off involves some face washing/scrubbing and I’m worried that stretches the skin.

    1. Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Multi-Use Concealer in the right shade for you – cheap, easy to apply, and blends well. In my experience as a fair skinned person it’s very difficult to “fix” undereye circles with skincare, so finding an easy concealer is the best option.

    2. I tried so many eye creams and didn’t see much, if any, reduction in my blue undereye circles. The Ordinary’s caffeine serum helped a bit and I noticed quite a good reduction using the Nature Republic Blueberry Greek Yogurt cream. And I swear by a peach concealer when I really need to cover them up.

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