Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Here's a pet peeve of mine: I hate when they show winter pants with sandals. In my mind, if it's time for corduroy or velvet pants, then it's time to cover your toes. Thoughts?

It does feel like it's corduroy time, sartorially at least, so it's interesting to look around and see what's in stores. While jeans are all over the place with cropped, flared, high-waisted, loose, straight, raw edge, split hem, etc., cords still seem to be skinny. Which, as someone who occasionally has to trudge through slush, I'm happy about.

There are a few looser cuts available for cords if you're definitely over skinny — these straight cropped ones at J.Crew look fresh (and also avoid the “wet hem” issue in winter), while I'm not sure about these girlfriend cords with a rolled-up hem. (But Boden is showing them that way also, for what it's worth.) If you do want a wider leg, these hot pink cords are gorgeous.

The pictured cords are AG, available in five nice colors for $188. The uber popular Kut from the Kloth cords are also back in skinny cuts this year (and new colors) in regular, petite, and plus sizes for $69.95.

(Just a note if you're planning on wearing cords to the office — be sure you know your office! Historically, five-pocket pants like jeans and cords are generally considered Very Casual.)

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Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

150 Comments

  1. piggy-backing on the thrift store shopping convos this week – how do you find a good thrift/consignment store to sell your stuff? is consignment better? (or is it just better to donate clothes — and if so does it matter where for recycling/donation purposes?)

    1. I adopted a philosophy last year that “out of my house today is better than tomorrow.” I no longer keep piles of “donate” in my house. Instead, I found a charity (junior league) that has a clothing thrift store near my job and I regularly drop off items, even if it’s just 3-4 shirts. Everything else goes to Goodwill or Salvation Army, which are both within 2 miles of my apartment and have different donation hours. I accepted that I am losing out on some money but I absolutely hated listing things and meeting strangers, or waiting at consignment stores/checking on my item sales. I calculated I lose about $400 a year and decided I am fine donating.

    2. I just donate to Goodwill near my home, even though I usually don’t shop there. I don’t pay much for my clothes (I buy resale) so I don’t mind not making any when I get rid of them.

    3. Designer / good stuff goes to the upscale consignment store in the ritzy town that is a few miles away. Everything else goes to the Goodwill that is just around the corner from me. Of course, if it’s not wearable / usable, it goes in the trash — I’m not going to make Goodwill sift through my junk. There is no need to overcomplicate this. It needs to get out of my house within a few days of identifying that I no longer want or need it.

    4. I had a hard time finding donation places during the pandemic and my kids both did a purge as they moved back to college so we had bags and bags of relatively good stuff and no one to take it. The goodwill about 2 miles from my house limited us to one bag at a time so we just went several days in a row.

      My experiences reselling have been dismal at best so I’d rather have the easy tax write off. I just use it’s deductible in Turbo Tax.

    5. ThredUp takes an eternity to process whatever you send them, but I find it’s kind of the best compromise – you get the stuff out of your house as soon as you mail in the bag they send you, and there’s a chance you’ll make a little bit of money on whatever you send in (they donate/recycle whatever they don’t consign). I currently have one of their bags even though I don’t have items to donate right this second so that the next time I go through my closet, the bag is there and ready to load up.

      I’ve also used Poshmark but personally find it’s too much work sharing your items and adjusting prices until they sell.

  2. How do you view stock options at an established company ( fortune 50 telecom, 3 year cliff vest).

    I’m interviewing for a job, and it’s part of the benefits package. But I’m suspicious of their real worth – it seems like funny money to me.

    1. I held around $200,000 of AIG stock options in 2008. Ask me how much they’re worth today.

      1. Exactly! I used to work with someone in the same (likely worse, based on his age) position, which is exactly why I am so meh on it as an option. Thanks!

    2. I would not factor stock options in as part of the compensation. It’s basically a lottery ticket.

      1. Right. As an extra perk on top of an already-appropriate-to-generous comp package, fine. In lieu of a good comp package, or used as justification for a less-than-market-average salary? Never. You could end up rich or it could end up being Monopoly money.

    3. my dad gets stock options as part of his comp, and typically sells most off as he can (we’re not talking one of the original google employees here…) – the theory being you don’t want to tie both your salary and your investments to the same venture.

      1. Thanks! I would certainly sell them off as soon as I could. They are likely to be the main difference in comp between current (easy, boring) job and potential new (harder, more interesting) job and I’m trying to figure out how much they matter to me (not as much as salary).

    4. Stock options or restricted stock units are ways to build wealth. I worked for a Fortune 100 telecom, and we got RSUs, which I prefer. If you are satisfied with the compensation package overall, plan to stay there for three years, and think the company is financially strong, the options are a great benefit. Obviously, they are riskier than getting money in your paycheck, but have a much greater potential reward. This is especially true if the options are performance based and you are a consistently high performer.

      My own example is I started out poor — I’ve been self supporting since I was 14, to give you an idea of just how poor I was. Today, my net worth is in the top 2-3%, largely based on stock rewards. I never counted the options or RSUs as spendable income, and I immediately sold the options or grants when I received them and reinvested in other mutual funds. If you are happy with the compensation overall, and think you will stay at this company long term, I urge you to consider this opportunity to build real wealth. It’s not funny money.

    5. Another consideration – is this a company where you can sell the stock (if you want) without it being a “thing”? Presumably if it is as big a company as you indicate, you can sell easily on the open market. That’s much less risky than a smaller place where you aren’t a “team player” if it becomes clear you are selling.

  3. My therapist recommended I seek a hobby – something to do with my hands. Issue is I hate knick knacks in the home, and don’t want to create gifts for others unless I 100% know they want it. I can afford some start up costs to purchase supplies, but don’t have a ton of space as I rent. I have thought about knitting/crochet but I don’t need scarves/blankets and not sure if friends would, either. Ditto furniture restoration – I can only fit so much in my apt. I know we have many hobbyists here but I’m drawing a blank. Ideas??

      1. This. I talked my junior league letting me do this as a special placement back when I had two in diapers and a FT job and I’ve kept it up 10ish years even though I’m a sustainer now. If someone I know has a baby, I make a blanket for them, but I knit when I watch TV and needed a place for my output. My group has meetings but is happy for people to just crank out a few blankets here and there. With COVID, the hospitals didn’t want blankets anymore but I found a group that gives starter items to new mothers who are poor and this way they can use their cash for onesies and books.

      2. If you are a member of a church, it may have a prayer shawl ministry. Ours makes shawls for new babies, confirmands, and people who are ill.

      3. I knit for charity, but I knit items for kids in foster care. It allows me to knit a wide variety of items so I don’t get bored with it. I knit stuff animals, christmas stockings, baby blankets, hats, scarfs, socks — pretty much anything.

    1. I make candles. I love lighting them every night when it’s not summer, and don’t have to feel bad when I go through them like crazy. Plus, It’s minimal supplies. I reuse glass jars and old candle holders.

      1. Where did you start on your candle making journey? This is interesting to me as I spend $$ on luxury candles.

        1. very late reply, but candle science! They have clear instructions, suggestions on what goes together, etc. i started in 2014 and make one or two big batches every winter.

    2. What about sassy embroidery projects? I’ve seen some really cool patterns and kits on Etsy so you only have to buy one kit, not a bunch of separate supplies. They are small enough to keep in a drawer. You could gift or display or donate.

      1. I learned to embroider as a kid, but have kept up with it over the years. There are so many great kits out there these days. As well as YouTube videos that show how to do different stitches in great detail. If I had to teach myself now, I’d have no problem picking it up just by buying a kit and watching some videos.

        The other thing I’ve started doing to keep myself from scrolling on news sites or social media is online jigsaw puzzles. Jigsaw Planet has a bunch of free ones.

        1. Oh my gosh that is great! And you can make your own with your own photos!

      2. Plus embroidery projects can take a long time to do, so it’s not likely that you’ll have a bunch of projects laying around to have to donate or give away. I like to embroider pillow covers for friends when they have a baby, get married, move, get a pet..so many occasions.

    3. I have been knitting since I was a teenager. I gave it up for the last few years because my hands hurt and I found myself scrolling mindlessly online instead. Finally found out why my hands hurt (RA), medicated it, and now I’m back to knitting. It is so much better than the scrolling!!

      You don’t have to knit like a factory to turn out products. You can knit just for the joy of knitting. Right now I’m doing the Westknits mystery knitalong (anyone else?) and that’s fun because I’m combining colors in ways I wouldn’t think to do myself, and I’ve learned a couple of new techniques. I’m also enjoying the show and tell posts on ravelry.

      But when I’m not doing a project like this I tend to knit socks. Socks are useful, everyone appreciates handknit socks, and they wear out so you can keep creating new ones. I knit quite a few pairs for myself as well – I like a low cuff just above the ankle and I like to use a fingering weight sock yarn and size 1 needles. I wear them to sleep in and with my Birkenstock clogs around the house to keep my toes warm. Very practical and keeps the hands busy while I watch TV or listen to music.

      1. I was coming here to say — cook or garden! Both require work with the hands but do not produce crafts to clutter things up (a pet peeve of mine, as well)

    4. I try to cook more as a way to stay off the screen, and it also helps me to get through my farm box. Chopping, slow roasting, seasoning, sauteing things. Drying my own herbs. Sometimes I just come out with a cake, sometimes it’s half a week’s worth of meal prep.

    5. Linocut printing or stamp carving. Startup costs are pretty low and the carving itself is calming/meditative.

    6. Making jewelry might work. Takes up very little space and only needs a few tools to get started. And it doesn’t require a lot of instruction like I find knitting and crocheting to need. If you don’t want to make jewelry for yourself or for gifts, you could donate to a thrift shop or charity.

    7. I’m not crafty, so I cook and garden. Bonus when it is cooking from my garden. I’ve done a couple of coloring books.

    8. English paper piecing! It takes ages to make anything like a throw so one project lasts a long time and you don’t need much equipment or materials, it will all fit in a small pouch. You can also make Christmas stockings which I think make good gifts since they are seasonal. (Glue basting is much more fun than thread basting, gluing fabric to paper shapes is very therapeutic!)

    9. Decorating cards and sending them to friends? The small size is perfect for a little painting or stamping or decoupage

    10. Maybe she was going for more tactile but what about learning an instrument or sign language?

    11. Watercolour painting? You can do small pieces with limited color palettes and recycle the “bad” ones. No bulky canvas, and dries quickly.

    12. I make greeting cards with stamp & die kits. I joined a facebook group for the brand of stamps I really like, and we send birthday cards to each other. You can send as few or as many cards as you want. Its nice to create something with positive energy and then get it out of the house!

    13. Raffia weaving. It’s perfect for chunky projects like plaiting and making a hat if you are feeling a bit RAHHH or keeping your hands busy weaving a simple small basket. It’s also fun to use colours and make designs if you brain needs a bit more.

      I was a bit iffy about it at first, only started a few months ago and now I absolutely love it. I’ve made custom baskets for perfectly sized for all the small things like cotton tips, reuseable cotton rounds, face mask, keys and coins.

      Aside from the needle, everything is biodegradable.

  4. Cross posting here as I’m not sure how active the moms page is over weekends – any game ideas for kids? Sisters, ages 4 and 6.5. They love bingo, tic tac toe (Gobblers is a hit), Trouble, and Jenga – their parents asked me to give games for Christmas. Preferably something they can take out, play, and put away without adult help. Budget roughly $20/game.

    1. Sleeping Queens would be perfect. Connect Four. Sequence. Kerplunk. Best Treasure Hunt game is great for movement in the winter, too.

    2. Going retro with my suggestions, but Connect Four, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sorry, Guess Who, and Uno were always go-to hits when I was a kid.

    3. Sleeping Queens for sure! Also Candyland, Outfoxed, Sushi Go, Ticket to Ride (the kids version), Memory (can get Frozen themed if they are into that movie), Uno, and you can usually find a pack of kids card games like Old Maid, Go Fish, etc. Get a couple of card holders to make it easier for them to hold their hand of cards.

    4. Candy Land was big with my son when he was at that age. There’s also a kids version of Sequence that he loved.

    5. Concentration – they have a set for every interest and kid fandom. You could gift Quirkle – it can be used as a memory game with younger kids and a Scrabble-like game when older.

    6. +1 to sleeping queens
      Junior Monopoly might also be good if the 4 year old can do basic math (3+3 = 6).

    7. Battleship Shots (as opposed to actual battleship)

      Depending on the kids – memory. Get a themed one to match their interests if you like. YMMV though. My 6YO routinely smokes the entire family in memory!

      Agree with Guess Who, it’s still a hit with my 6YO and the 10YO will play with him if asked.

      Sorry (although the 4YO might need help)

      Uno, always a hit.

    8. Sushi Go, Sleeping Queens, Forbidden Island (too grown up for the 4 year old), Dragonwood, Rat a Tat Cat. Check the Gamewright brand for games in the ages they are – everything we’ve gotten from Gamewright has been 100%.

    9. Ghost Blitz Junior, Monster Chase, Ticket to Ride Junior, Catan Junior, Memoarrr!, Stone Age Junior.

  5. Random question of the day
    1. Do you live with others
    and
    2. How often do you socialize?

    I find that I often don’t have the energy/desire to socialize as much as I was younger, but i think a part of it is that I get all my socialization needs from my husband and kids.

    1. I live with my husband, and not often, especially since the pandemic. We do Zoom watch movies together with friends every Friday, but actual in person socialization just to socialize? Basically none. I see people at work (I go into the office once or twice a week) and at the barn. I am an extreme introvert, though. I said something about not really liking people this summer and my husband’s comment was “I know, this stay-at-home aspect of the pandemic doesn’t seem to have bothered you at all.” And it’s true. My routine barely changed. Give me a horse and a book and some yoga videos and I’m good.

    2. I live with roommates whom I like but am not very close with (friends of friends situation). I probably have social plans five nights a week, hang with my roommates one night a week, and either have a chill night alone OR visit my parents one night a week

    3. I live with my husband and two small children (ages 3 and 1). I’ve always been a pretty strong introvert, which the pandemic and moving for DH’s job has only exacerbated. At my old my job (and before marriage and kids), workplace interactions pretty much met all my social needs (lunches, occasional happy hours, and then a few close friends I would see outside of work). I’ve been at my current job for more than a year, now, though, and never met a single co-worker and have no rel’ships outside of work with any of them. So even though I do get a lot more day to day interaction with humans because I live with three other people, I really miss having strong work relationships that also met my (admittedly minimal) social needs. Outside of my immediate family, I see my in-laws and my mom fairly regularly, but that’s pretty much it. Haha, just writing this post made me realize that I do need to make an effort to meet more people in my new city.

    4. I live with my husband and we socialize at least once a week and most weeks it’s more like 2-3 times. We have a Rotary luncheon every Wednesday, he has “lads’ night” most Tuesdays (and I often see a friend while he’s out, but not always), and we usually have somebody over or go out with another couple at least once on the weekend.

      Pre-pandemic it was more like 4-5-6 times a week. I like the slower pace now but I chafed at the “no socializing at all” months of the pandemic.

    5. I live alone. I socialize 3-4 nights a week. Date night. Weekly happy hour with neighborhood friends. Co-worker drinks. Often a repeat of one of these or a more scheduled catch-up with a friend I see less often.

    6. I have lived alone for 10+ years and it depends on how you define socializing. I go to an OrangeTheory class four days a week and there are regulars who socialize. I also have a horseback riding lesson once a week and have friends I see there, and I am just finishing up a one night a week social sport. Outside of those things, I probably hang with a friend/friends two to three times a month? I am an outgoing introvert though, so full on SOCIALIZING drains me.

    7. 1) live with husband; kids are in college but come home for weekends frequently so far

      2) I don’t socialize enough! I was very locked down prior to vaccination, had a few socially distanced backyard visits with friends. So that was very little for a year! Three then two of my friend groups have been having regular zoom meetings but it’s not the same. I have done more socializing since getting vaccinated but delta made me cautious again.

      I miss seeing people so much!!

    8. Live with my husband and 2 sons. We have a family dinner with grandparents once a week, and maybe a date night once every 3 weeks. I see my friends maaaaaaaybe once a quarter at this point.

    9. I live alone and see friends 1-1 in person maybe 2-3 days a week for a longer period of time (art gallery, cooking dinner, coffee and a walk etc).Maybe once a month I join/host a bigger group gathering of friends. Daily I interact with my friendly older lady neighbor and colleagues at the office, and keep in touch with a ton of people (like 40-50) on a semi regular basis by text and phone calls (much of my friend group is officially a diaspora at this point).

      Major introvert so I need a few hours of recovery time after whole afternoons socializing, can’t sustain daily hangouts, and I love doing things by myself.

    10. I live with my husband and also have carers and nurses come in, who feel a bit like paid friends sometimes!
      I do keep in text and phone contact with about 10 friends regularly but don’t see many people in person. That feels enough for me.

  6. Has anyone returned to Orange Theory or something similar? How are you feeling in the classes? My area does not have great vaccination rates and I think masks are only required at my studio when you’re changing stations (which seems pointless to me). I am vaccinated and boosted, so I’m considering going back because I miss it so much.

      1. I have also been at my gym since May of 2020, when they were allowed to reopen in our state. With the caveat that since May of 2020, we maybe had two months where we weren’t masked in the gym, due to indoor mask mandates. Mask compliance is about 95% in my gym and the gym owner will ask people who aren’t masked to put one on (or pull their mask up over their nose) when she sees them. Our Department of Health shuts down businesses for two weeks if they have a certain number of Covid cases within a certain amount of time – our gym’s never even had to send out a warning letter about “we have a reported Covid case.” I feel completely fine being there.

      2. Came back to add that we haven’t been masking since . . . early 2021? I can’t remember, actually. It’s been a while. I considered masking when Delta was on the rise, but found I was going at very very low-volume times and just never did. We have assigned stations and low headcount caps.

    1. I also loved OT, but have been dubious of returning (even tri-vaxxed and masked). I recently found Camp Gladiator – an outdoor OT/boot camp style workout. Now this works in my area because fall-winter is very mild/temperate. Could be a good option to look into for at least part of the year.

    2. I love group fitness classes, but I still can’t bring myself to go back. I have heard of too many breakthrough cases. There is no ventilation in those studios, and the fans just blow the germs around in the closed room. Maybe if vaccination and masking were required and community transmission were lower (currently at 40 reported cases/day/100K population).

      1. Same here. I’m going to the gym for private sessions with the trainer, but it’s big and well-ventilated and we stay well away from other people. Was thinking about going back to cardio kickboxing but found out the studio owner is anti-vax, so that was that.

    3. I started going back to the YMCA for group fitness after vaccination, but irregularly because I’m not comfortable using the childcare with my kids unvaccinated.

      At my YMCA locations, they made changes. The spin classes are in large gyms instead of the small rooms. You reserve a spot in class and they limit how many can reserve.

    4. I’ve been back at the gym (similar to OT) since 2 weeks post vaccination. My state does not have mask requirements but my gym does require you to either provide proof of vaccination or wear a mask.

    5. My dad bought more workout equipment that he has installed in our new West Side new apartment. He wants me to exercise and move in there so that we can sell my apartment here, but I am queezy. I do not mind going there and even staying overnite in my bedroom, but am worried about leaving the upper East side, since I have made freinds here, and Myrna is not relocating. She says we will still be close, and Im sure we will, but it is not the same b/c now I see her mabye 5 days a week, and I worry that we will only be a weekend thing. I also do not want to leave here b/c I have privacy I won’t have if Mom and Dad are there even part time.

      Dad has a fellowship at Colombia, so that is his reason for being there, but what is my reason other then to be around them? I have that already, even if I go to LI, but it will be easier if they go to the West Side and I meet them there. Also, there are less good places to eat there, so that is another reason.

    6. I would, but my state still has an indoor mask mandate, even for the vaxxed, so I don’t. I’d rather run outside or travel to the neighboring state (DMV area) without a mask mandate on weekends for group classes. Triple vaxxed.

  7. I am moving from the east coast to SoCal in December. I cannot figure out the workwear! Senior level position in a creative industry (altho my role isn’t creative). Starting over as current wardrobe is super casual. Particularly stymied by top layer/jackets – is it blazers all the way? Would love ideas for less structured but still classy looking top layers. I know it’s always sunny but figured a/c will be constant. I don’t like wearing dresses (wrong shape) so mostly will wear blouses and pants. I want to look put together, cool (arty maybe?) and fit into the laid back style whilst still looking professional. Can anyone help? No detail is too small! Would love tons of ideas where to shop (online for now) besides Banana Rep and JCrew.

    1. This is based on Seattle, not SoCal, but get thee cool glasses if you can. I cannot advise on second layers as we live in puffy or rain proof things :)

    2. I’m in a very informal field so won’t give you specific advice, but people always overestimate how warm it is in California. I live in a non-LA part of SoCal and it’s often windy or foggy and winters get reasonably chilly (currently wearing a wool sweater and blanket as I WFH in my 64 degree house). Since people like to be outside a lot and temps shift quite a bit as you move from sun to wind and shade, layers are very, very important!

      1. So true. I’m in the Bay Area and it’s all about layers here. Sun protection and layers.

        Labels matter in California, even though you might not notice it at first. In NorCal it tends to be outdoorsy labels like Patagonia. In LA (which I commuted to for many years) I found more people wearing actual designers.

        Agree with the comment about the cool specs being key.

      2. Yes it gets cold at night so be prepared! I was at an outdoor concert last night and wore leggings under jeans, with a long sleeve blouse, ponte moto jacket, booties, and big warm poncho, and I was JUST warm enough.

        Yes to the cool specs for sure. For stores, my crowd really likes Nordstrom although they sometimes have annoyingly long delivery times. I agree to hang back and shop once you’ve got the lay of the land. But generally standard-issue blazers are not much of a thing. Either it’s interesting shapes (moto, chore jackets, open fronts, long lengths), or knits, or textures, or vests, or just interesting blouses on their own. You won’t know until you see what people are wearing in your office.

        Designer bags are big out here. Really all kinds of designer accessories including sunglasses. Designer clothing, less so but you see it especially on the West Side.

        Also make sure your hair is on point.

    3. If you can afford it, the Fold is great for statement tops, that’s one of their staples. I also prefer Hobbs/LK Bennett for nice blouses, Boss also has some good options. Neiman Marcus is having a sale – I sorted by ‘tops–>blouses–>long sleeves’ and found some great options for new designers I hadn’t heard of like Kobi Halperin that are marked down to Jcrew pricing. I also fully stalk Rebecca Taylor/Equipment/Joie on the fancy department stores online portals and snap them up when they are on end of season clearance so maybe sort by brands as a start?

    4. Buy just a few things now and more when you get there and know what level of formality your colleagues wear. I’ve never gone right buying ahead of a job change.

      1. +1 — some of the execs I know at big companies out there are in like Patagonia vests so a Fold top (while stunning) would be out of place there.

    5. Definitely don’t shop now. Wear something simple on your first day, then shop in person after you arrive. People care more about style and attractiveness than in other regions.

  8. My parents (75+ years working combined) and I (20ish) have never filed HR complaints even though some co-workers and jobs were less than ideal. My sister worked for 2 years before having kids and is newly returned to work after a divorce. The jobs are maybe less than ideal and drama-factories, but an annual run to HR in your first months in new job (also an annual change) is confirmed as not good, yes? And if you are doing this, maybe it’s a flag that 1) start looking for a new job now and 2) maybe this field (teaching in the younger grades) isn’t for you? IDK how to help, but in a small town, you’re bound to acquire a reputation that you can’t shake easily and she actually needs to work now as a single mom.

    1. I don’t see an issue without going to an HR with a legitimate concern. I don’t think it matters if you or your parents have ever contacted before, though – that seems likely irrelevant to her situation?

    2. With most things in life (work, relationships, etc), if she finds herself being the common element in the same issue happening over and over, chances are she is at least a substantial part of the problem.

      1. If that is true, how do you stop the merry-go-round? I job-hopped a bit in my 20s (always for more more $, although one place was a bit crazy also) to the point where after 3 jobs in 3 years (one was just a one-year contract though), I knew that I had to tough out the next job (and did for 4 years) no matter what or I’d probably find it hard to move again. I’m glad that the light went off because it was an exhausting way to live (doubly so when your job makes you nuts), but how do people with not much experience figure this out if not the hard way?

        1. Either growing up and becoming more self-aware or therapy or both.
          It doesn’t sound like this poster’s sister is job hopping for more money, though. I don’t really see what you did as a problem. It’s easily explained in an interview and doesn’t really set off any red flags. For the OP’s sister it sounds more like drama crops up wherever she goes, which is a her problem, not a job problem. OP would be well advised to steer clear unless sister has identified the problem and is working on herself.

    3. I think you want some sort of confirmation that you and your parents are good people and your sister is doing it wrong. But none of us know the specifics so I don’t know how we can opine on it.

      One thing I remind my loved ones of, though, is that HR may be friendly but they are not your friend. They are there to protect the company 100%.

      1. Yes, and HR can’t make a dysfunctional situation function. Absent someone hitting you, you’re pretty much on your own. It’s legal to be a jerk co-worker or supervisor and only a new job fixed that.

    4. Does she listen to and take your advice? if not ( and I suspect she doesn’t, or you wouldn’t be posting here in frustration), I’m not sure there’s anything you can do here.

      If so, help her understand what part of her issues are coming from her, what part are from others but should be ignored, and what part should be taken to HR.

    5. You and your parents do not get cookies for tolerating being mistreated, nor does your sister get cookies taken away for refusing to put up with mistreatment.

      Other than that, not enough info, and it’s probably not feasible to provide unbiased info at a level that would make an online forum able to give useful advice. I will say, as the daughter and wife and sister and friend of teachers, that the profession is undergoing a major strain due to the pandemic exascerbating problems that already existed. Many, many people are fed up and quitting the field.

      1. Eh, I think that at a certain point, most jobs are just OK. The worst thing in teaching are some of the parents and then admins not being supportive when cr@p is thrown at you. Some people are stoic (customer service workers) and some need hand-holding and affirmation and that is just very unrealistic, especially in some fields and particularly now.

        I do think that “needing to bring in HR” is maybe the wrong reaction to a bad job situation. It’s usually “get another job” is what solves the problem and I do think that people now may have less in the way of workplace navigational skills than they used to (like you can learn to live with people you don’t sync with and even that you have difficult co-workers; you will probably have that in any work environment or maybe you just need to work in isolation and fully-remotely, which is totally possible to do now).

        1. I dunno, I think with teaching the cr@p can be pretty bad even when admin is supportive.

        2. “The worst thing in teaching are some of the parents and then admins not being supportive when cr@p is thrown at you.”

          HA HA HA HA HA. My sister had a chunk of flesh bitten off when she was trying to break up a cafeteria fight. But sure, lack of hand-holding is a huge bummer.

          1. Yeah, for sure. I broke up a knife fight my first and only hear reaching high school. It was in my classroom!

          2. Yeah, I know several teachers who have some impressive scars. I’m not even sure “when cr@p is thrown at you” is safely taken as an idiom in this context. I guess it’s natural that a lot of people here went to really nice schools, but it shows.

          3. Yeah having stuff “thrown at you” is not metaphorical for teachers. Even so, it’s not the worst thing about teaching.
            Now that I think about it, I had stuff thrown at me when I worked in retail (clothes, yes, but they were worn)

          4. Here is a taste of reality for everyone here who went to rich schools. Kids act like literal animals.

            reddit (dot) com (slash) r (slash) Teachers (slash) comments (slash) q9a1d4 (slash) please_tell_me_im_not_the_only_one_noticing/

    6. You are “20ish,” so I’m going to assume that you’re a little too new to the workforce to make these judgements on your sister. Congrats on finding a functional work environment straight out of high school/college (or finding a fun internship).

  9. How do I forget about a guy? We’ve only dated for about 4 months but it has been intense (use of love words, planning in detail for a life together, etc.) and involved numerous trips and living together in hotels for a week or more at a time. When not together in person, it has been many hours of video calls per night, etc.

    Now I realize he is not right for me long-term but there was not a blow up or big break up spat, just a realization, even though I still wish he could be right for me (fundamentally, it’s just impossible).

    However, my brain is full of memories of us (trips, inside jokes), facts about him (his likes or habits or commonly used phrases), etc. I would normally fill my plate socially and hope to let time cure it but I’m in an area with really bad covid issues and I am compromised, so I am spending a lot of time home and alone and tripping over his memory.

    Help!

    1. When I was going through my divorce, I used to tell myself “I just have to feel like this until I don’t feel like this any more.” It sucks, but it’s true. The only way out is through, and so on. (See also, “pain is unavoidable but suffering is optional” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-savvy-psychologist/202008/pain-is-unavoidable-suffering-is-option )

      If you are a reader and like thrillers, I just finished the new Louise Penny/Hillary Clinton novel and found it most diverting.

      1. I totally agree with this. I had an intense relationship with someone that was short and I broke up with him because I realized he was not right for me. Even though I made the decision I found it really hard. What worked for me is getting right back out and dating like it was my job (and I did have a lot of fun meeting different people—pre COVID) but your situation is different. I agree with feeling your feelings until you’ve worked through them. It also helps to have a pleasant diversion as well. Hugs. Hang in there there.

    2. That’s tough, I’ve been there. For me what worked was not trying to make myself forget him, at all! Instead I tried to rewrite the story to remind myself that he was a wonderful person I had a great time with, but that as I learned more about him I realized he wasn’t right for me and that I had to move on. I focused on being proud of myself for making good decisions and taking care of my future self. I also really worked on feeling less of a sense of scarcity about men – he was not the last person I was ever going to feel a connection with – and more that he was a sign that there are other good ones out there. TLDR, he’s a good part of your life, not a bad one, no need to forget him, just focus on being proud of yourself for having good judgment and moving onward.

    3. Hugs!
      – books (fiction if you don’t normally read it, can truly whisk you away to another world – and audio books for when you’re doing chores.)
      – write and mail cards or letters to friends or family or business contacts – share a favorite memory just because
      – start a home project or refinish a thrifted piece of furniture
      – allow yourself to go through all stages of grief – accept the feelings
      – join a virtual workout community or group (you can have a fake name!) and socialize that way
      – adopt an animal

    4. Invest in your friends and favourite family members: call, text, video chat or make pretty cards and write to your friends and find out what’s going on their lives that can distract you from yours. If they have kids, volunteer to listen to them read a book or teach them something fun like how to draw a unicorn or make an origami chatterbox. Getting involved with other people’s lives will help take your mind off it and also strengthen your relationships with them in the long run.

    5. I’ve spent the last year doing this over a decade+ relationship and, in addition to what has already been said, working towards long-term goals has been a lifesaver. Also, a friend recommended keeping a journal, even if I never read it. I can’t believe how incredibly helpful this has been. I feel pathetic admitting this to myself, but over the pandemic winter when I was extremely isolated that journal was basically my best friend. Hang in there, OP.

  10. I have a sibling who lives far away. Another cousin died suddenly this summer and it’s made me want to visit after 4 years (2 due to COVID, 2 because there is enough drama and expense to not try too often). I really want to do this b/c siblings kids and my kids are their only cousins. From reading (and nothing else but decades of experience), I think that my sibling is a narcissist (or has a lot of hallmarks of that) and you do things one way or the highway.

    I’m planning:
    stay in hotel
    rent car
    be prepared for the trip to have an abrupt end in the family visiting
    maybe a task per morning or afternoon and then return to hotel after that (e.g., zoo then lunch then park with kids)

    Any other advice? Lengthy unstructured time and no strangers about lead to Airings of Grievances (which turn into rants of “You are not supportive” if not voicing the preferred responses). I love sibling’s kids. I love sibling, but things are so volatile that our relationship is mainly by texing in case it’s a morning when I wake up to 20 texts about the outrage du jour that have come in overnight.

    1. Why would you do this in a pandemic and especially if all the kids are not vaccination-aged? I’d really wait until it was safer — maybe next summer.

      That said, I think your plan for scheduled activities is a good one. Under no circumstances should you be just sitting around Sibling’s house with no activities.

      1. Eh my kid is not vaccinated and we’ve been really cautious but we have no problems with fully vaccinated adults flying to visit us. It’s not that risky. There’s no clear timeline for vaccines for kids under 5 and a lot of people are tired of not seeing loved ones. I would be inclined to go ASAP if sibling is ok with it.

    2. Why do you want to visit this person? Because your cousin died? Are you missing a person you loved in childhood but is now a person you really can’t stand to be around?

      Follow up question, do we have the same sister?

      1. We may have the same sister!

        She can be very sparkling and funny and interesting. She can also be enraged and exhausting and has no off button. It is hard to predict what you get and we haven’t lived locally since high school, so getting her in small doses is hard.

        1. With “our” sister I stick to the occasional text and I even unfollowed her on social media. Visiting her wouldn’t be good for anyone’s blood pressure. Your kids needing to know their cousins is not a good enough reason, I’m sorry to say. My kids are older and have an arms-length social media only relationship with their cousins and they’re not really missing anything. The majority of my sister’s children are turning out just like her, and the only time I hear from them is when they want money.

    3. If your sibling is a narcissist and your relationship is volatile, taking your kids for a giant visit seems like a recipe that would end of hurt feelings and disaster. I don’t expect that the visit will be what you are hoping for.

      Do you have anyone who could watch your kids while you take a quick visit? That way you aren’t subjecting your kids to it, the travel is less stressful, and you could always enjoy a quiet hotel room if it goes badly.

    4. I think you should start slower. Like “monthly cousin zoom game night and pizza.”

      1. This wouldn’t be bad to try actually. Last year, the kids were all too zoomed out, but this might be really fun for dipping a toe back in the water.

        1. There are lots of things you could do. Maybe have the four kids do a secret Santa amongst themselves. I think the key is to make everything more fun and special than their zoom play dates from covid.

  11. I’m watching the Theranos documentary. I had read the book but I’m so shocked at her voice! It’s definitely not her real voice. So strange.

    1. I have become kind of obsessed with narcissism. I think I might be a magnet for narcissists, so I’m always on to them, and it drives me completely bananas that people can’t see through their b.s. immediately. I’ve been meaning to watch this — thanks for the reminder!

  12. Best place to get iPhone chargers? My battery is blown (I need a new phone, but a new charging cord is cheaper for now) and my cord just broke. Will any brand do? There is an Apple store in my city.

      1. also you can take your phone to the Apple store for a replacement battery – I think for less than $100, in case you really want to squeeze another year or two out of your current one.

  13. I’m on day 2 of trying to whiten my teeth with a kit my former dentist sold me a while ago and my teeth are definitely sensitive to it. (Venus White) The kit says to do it for 60 minutes 1-2x a day for 3 weeks. Should I cut time to 45 minutes daily? 60 minutes every other day? Stop using it entirely?

    1. Take a break. You have your whole life to use that kit. Keep the gel in the fridge until you use it again.

      I like that I have custom trays that will always fit me. Every once in a while I use them for a couple of hours at night while doing something else. I think they told me to sleep with them in but that is way too much for me.

  14. If you have a tjmaxx runway near you don’t forget to check them. Went this morning and was sad to not be the right size for neither gorgeous Akris dress marked to $300 nor a Veronica beard jacket for $150.

  15. How do you leave a toxic workplace where the golden handcuffs are really tight? I’ve been at the same biglaw firm for almost 15 years and have equity. I had carved out a good place where I had autonomy and felt like I had “control” (whatever that means in biglaw) but that’s changed dramatically due to COVID + a management change. I’m now being told to give up client relationships I’ve spent years cultivating because senior management doesn’t think they are lucrative enough in the near term. I picked up other clients that I felt like I would have a good personality mix with, but am being pinballed around other clients because the senior partners don’t think the ones I selected are the best use of time. In general, it seems that I am stuck in the junior partner purgatory.

    My mentors at the firm have either retired or taken an offramp or have proven not to be mentors when I am not providing anything in return. I’ve inherited some of their clients but others were given to more senior (male) partners instead of me (one while I was out on maternity leave with no discussion after I had worked with the client for 8 years…).

    From all of my conversations with senior partners, I don’t get the sense that I’m am being pushed out and I’m still being touted internally and externally as a “rising star”. However I’m just exhausted and feel like, since making equity, there’s even less stability than when I was climbing my way through the ranks.

    I have my name out there with a couple of recruiters but I can’t tell if it’s really that much better at other firms or, if it is, if it’s that much better to take the haircut in comp (I have good annual comp that’s not lockstep but also not just eat what you kill + a pension).

    Not sure what advice I’m looking for and maybe the answer is to just suck it up. But if others have gone through this thought process am very interested in how you ultimately made your decision and what that decision was.

    1. I would move. The lateral market is on fire.

      I’m a lifer at my firm, and at a firm where people consistently lateral over to us. About a year or two after they move, when we’re at drinks or something, they say, “you know, everyone said it was different here and I didn’t believe them, but it really is.”

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