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Updated: Mar 25, 2022 167 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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smiling Black woman wearing a beautiful dress with greenish flowers on it; she is barefoot and on a garden path

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Readers have had a number of comment threads about Sue Sartor dresses — they seem like such a fun, boho-but-preppy-but-beachy vibe. While they're currently out of stock of a number of reader favorites (looking at you, Cinnabar), they do have some other good sales going on — including this midi dress in a “vintage fleurs print” in sage and cream. Lurvely!

It was $300, but is now $200, and comes in small, regular, and XL sizes. (Interestingly, the pictured dress does not appear on the brand's Sales page, which seems to only be final sale items.)

(Readers who love Sue Sartor, please chime in — which are your favorite patterns and prints? What are your favorite ways to style them?)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Tortilla help

    So one of the challenges of doing online grocery shopping is occasionally I get a random substitution or poor quality item, but today’s surprise leaves me perplexed.

    I make quesadillas once a week, as it is an easy/fast staple that everyone likes for dinner. The usual tortilla I ordered was out of stock online, so I clicked on another brand that “looked” similar online. They don’t give the dimensions of the tortillas online, so I choose one that had “burrito” on the wrapper. Those tend to be about the size of a larger frying pan and about the right size (I fold them in half for quesadillas).

    So… my food delivery just arrived and the Tortillas are a foot and a half in diameter. The size of a pizza. I’m not kidding. I didn’t even know that you could buy them this big, have never seen them in the store before, and they were similarly priced to others.

    What can I do with this? Way too big for stovetop.

    And it needs to still be a fast and easy dinner!

    • Shelle

      Haha sorry to laugh but it sounds cartoonishly big! Cut them into triangles and bake (or fry) to make chips!

      • Shelle

        To clarify – loaded nachos for dinner using the ingredients you already bought. One of my fav easy fast meals.

    • PolyD

      Just cut them up and make pie-wedge shaped quesadillas.

      Or sew a few together and make a skirt?

    • Anon

      Throw cheese or toppings on them like normal, throw them in the oven to melt the cheese. Maybe 5 minutes or more at 350? Then fold them over like normal!

      • Tortilla help

        Yup, this is what I was wondering. I was thinking they would overcook/burn in the oven, but actually with experimentation this could work. Thanks all!

    • Anonymous

      Cut them smaller. If you are concerned about waste (I wouldnt be but people are different), make your quesadillas in a different shape or use the excess for chips.

      • Senior Attorney

        This looks great! I’m always looking for easy veggie friendly recipes for when my son visits, so thanks!

    • Cat

      That sounds like the Costco sampler of tortillas! I’d just cut them into shapes that fit your pan, though.

    • Anonymous

      My funniest substitution ever was when I ordered rhubarb and got rutabagas. No, I do not want to make rutabaga jam.

    • Anon

      Former grocery worker here… sounds like they grabbed a package of wraps which are (obviously) not the same thing. Those are usually found in the deli rather than in the aisle with Mexican food, which would explain why you’ve not seen them before.

    • Senior Attorney

      And this is why I just check “no substitutions” these days. They still text me to approve substitutions but they don’t make the substitution if I don’t respond.

    • Anon

      This is particularly hilarious to me because a couple of weeks ago I wanted the burrito/large frying pan size and ordered one that said “burrito” on the package. I got the package and it said “burrito” on it but it was the size of a taco tortilla. Literally, we had a pack of taco ones and they were the exact same size! Who is running wild in the burrito tortilla factory!?

    • Anon 2.0

      This sounds like my dream tortilla for the perfect at home Chipotle copycat burrito.

    • Anon

      I bought what I thought were baking sized potatoes, the were the size of nickels and quarters.

  2. Anonymous

    Hopefully a fun question for Friday afternoon – runners, what are some of the most fun races you have done? I am a longtime casual (slow) runner but stepped up my distance during the pandemic and have now done 3 half marathons. The first 2 were boring (running in circles in the park) but I did the NYRR United Airlines NYC Half last weekend and it was so much fun running across the city and having people cheer. (Relatively fun I mean – still painful at the end). And now I fear I’ve been bitten by the bug and want to do this again. I know I don’t have time to do a marathon as I run too slowly to get all the training in while having a life, but I’m open to any distance up to and including a half. So I’m looking for other fun races to consider.

    • Anonymous

      The Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston, SC is really fun and an excuse to visit a nice city.

    • AIMS

      A friend of mine loves the Brooklyn half marathon – I think registration is up sometime in April so maybe look into it?

    • Anon

      Triathlons are fun, even if you’re not great at the other legs! I also have a friend who is doing a running and canoeing race, which sounds fun.

      I’ve also heard great things about the Broad Street Run though the weather is almost always miserable.

      • Cat

        ha, I was going to suggest the Broad Street Run – weather can be unpredictable but it’s a really fun scene.

        • Anonymous

          My first 2 half marathons were in the rain and both in NYC in December, so I have low standards.

        • Anon

          After 3 deferrals (Covid and injury) I’m finally running the BSR this year!

      • Anon

        I do tris! I am not fast at anything but I love it and have lots of fun. I signed up for my first half this year though. I am sick of being intimidated by the distance. I can do it (slowly)!

    • Anonymous

      The Army 10-miler in DC is fun. St. Jude in Memphis is also a different vibe.

    • Anon

      I’ve run about 25 half marathons in 15 different states. My reviews:

      Rock n Roll Vegas was amazing. Have heard extremely positive reviews of RnR Nashville and Savannah.

      Indy Mini (Midwest speak for “half marathon”) – run around the Indy 500 track and you can even kiss the bricks.

      Newport, RI half/full – beautiful.

      On my bucket list: Crazy Horse (SD), RnR San Diego (CA), Gasparilla (FL), and a few others. Post location or potential travel areas and I will set you up with a list.

      • Anonymous

        I’m in NYC so relatively close to home is convenient. Thanks for all the recs so far!

        • Anon

          I’ve heard good things about Asbury Park half in NJ, and Rock n Roll has an inaugural Atlantic City race in May.

    • ANON

      Medoc Marathon – you run through vineyards and if you’re not seriously competitive can stop for wine every couple miles

    • Anon

      Where are you located? I find small local races to be the most fun – the weirder the better.
      I display my Wausau FL Possum Trot 5K trophy PROUDLY.
      I’m not sure if he is well enough to hand out awards post COVID, but the Plains GA 5k used to attract a large field from all over the southeast, in hopes of receiving their age group awards from President Carter.
      The Gate River Run in Jacksonville FL is a great time and probably the only ginormous race I’ve done that I actually enjoyed myself. Big races aren’t really my thing.

    • Anonymous

      Nowhere near you but I love the wharf to wharf run from Santa Cruz to Capitola in California.

      • Peloton

        Adding two Californias — the Carlsbad and Monterey half are both truly spectacular.

        If you don’t mind hills and are willing to do a full, Big Sur is supposed to be a world class race.

    • Anonymous

      Have you done the Cow Harbor 10k in Northport (on LI)? It’s a blast. Great course and the whole town comes out to cheer your on. It ends with beer from Sand City Brewery right on the harbor. Ive run it a few times and it’s the best!

    • Anon

      Beach to Beacon 10K in Cape Elizabeth, ME. You have to be online refreshing your browser in the minute before registration to get a spot-its organized by Joan Benoit Samuelson and attracts elite runners, but the majority of the field are duffers. I’m not at all a runner and have done it a couple times and it’s a lot of fun. Someone always runs dressed as the Beacon.

      Bay to Breakers in SF-a much goofier race, by all accounts, but I’ve heard it’s super fun and the views are great.

  3. Curious

    Dang this model is pretty in this. But also I am cracking up that the stylists literally gave up on shoes.

    • Bonnie Kate

      lol yeah, I feel like they could’ve lost the purse if they were going to go no shoes. If I need a bag I probably need shoes. I guess maybe her sandals are in her bag?

      If I were styling it, I would have gave her strappy sandals to dangle from in one hand.

      • Anon

        It’s when the wedding reception has gotten out of hand. Shoes who knows where but you need some place for your lipstick and phone (many SS dresses have pockets, so you CAN ditch the purse along with your shoes).

    • Anonymous

      What I can’t get over is that some of these dresses are one size. For $300+.

  4. fullofpears

    Can anyone recommend a wine-coloured blazer? Three quarter sleeves would be ideal (but not required). I’ve noticed that I wear my wine cardigan to work a lot as it seems to match a lot of my wardrobe, so it would be nice to have a similarly coloured blazer to mix things up with.

    • Anonymous

      I would do a search for Burgundy Linen Jacket or Burgundy Silk Jacket to find pieces in blends suitable for summer.

  5. Very anon

    It seems like a lot of people on here are dissatisfied with their lives in some way. Like feeling tied to stressful jobs they don’t like, not quite happy with their weight, struggling in various ways with marriages/relationships/toxic family members. I definitely relate. Sometimes I don’t quite feel like I have control over things in my life and am almost treading water. There are changes I could make, but they seem scary/high-risk in a way that I’m uncomfortable with.

    Is there anything ladies on here wish they’d done differently earlier in life to be in a different place? Or is there anything anyone has done that’s proved to be effective in combatting the aspects of life you’re unhappy with? Curious since this is such a smart, ambitious group of people, and yet so many of us seem to be mired in circumstances we wish were different.

    • Anon

      What does being smart and ambitious have to do with anything? I was abused throughout my entire childhood, and being smart and ambitious didn’t really save me from being a scared kid with no options. Nor does it mean that my brain is going to rewire itself or stop looking like that of a combat veteran. This stuff hurts everyone; being smart just means I can work at a job that pays me enough to afford therapy.

      • Anonymous

        I know you were pushing back against OP, but I actually really needed to hear this as someone with a background similar to yours. Thank you.

      • Go for it

        Truth be told! You are me and thank goodness for massive therapy and a 12 step program (acoa) to undo most of my upbringing. I am no longer under siege emotionally. Quoting Picasso “it takes a long time to become young”. I am finally a happy 6 year old in a grown ups body with means to live a life I want to wake up to.

        • Anonymous

          I’m on team childhood trauma. I just learned about ACOA and I’m figuring out how to attend a program with my unpredictable work schedule. I’m glad to hear it worked for you. It gives me hope.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah I wish I did more therapy sooner because I had a lot more agency than I realized in making my life good.

      • thoughts

        +1

        Actually this is good advice.

        I think if I had understood better why I act/think the way I do, and treated my anxiety more effectively, that would have the greatest overall impact on my life. My job choices, my partner/friend/life choices, everything stems from this.

        No one in my family talks about mental illness, and growing up was rough.

      • Anne-on

        +1 on therapy. I wish I’d set firmer boundaries with my family earlier and I also feel like a therapist would have counseled me to cut and run from a good but no advancement possible job sooner.
        I also wish I’d have discussed the household/mental labor side of things with my husband prior to kids but it wasn’t really talked about/written about in the same way in the early 2000’s (like, I knew about the third shift but I couldn’t break down the ‘Fair Play’ battlecards on plan/execute tasks like Eve Rodsky does). But honestly having two full time working parents with kids is just hard, so, basically, all the therapy to ID and then work out a game plan for dealing with hard things.

    • Anonymous

      my biggest stressors are things i wouldn’t have done differently (kid issues)

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, no. I think stress and frustration are a part of life. I am generally a happy, optimistic person. I try not to let too much get me down. But even still, I find parts of my job difficult, I get frustrated with my kids, I wish things were different about my house, I get irked at my spouse, etc. I think the biggest thing you can do at an early age is figure out that everyone has difficulties (even those who have lives that look insta perfect) and that so, so much of it is luck (both good and bad). Control what you can, send what you can’t to the universe, and move on.

    • Cat

      I’m curious what my career might have been if smart girls weren’t pushed to the “science” part of STEM so much as they were also encouraged in more analytical aspects of liking math. I definitely didn’t want a career in a lab and so ended up moving away from science altogether, but the thought of a career as an actuary, accountant, somehow involved in statistics, etc never occurred to me. As an adult I can see a parallel life where I get to play with numbers instead of arguing with opposing counsel… of course, I’m sure those who have chosen those careers can supply the downsides an outsider doesn’t see :)

      • Anon

        Lol I’m an actuary and my career satisfaction is high, though I have similar stresses outside of work to everyone else. Even at the worst times in my career when my former company was aggressively downsizing and making those who remained miserable, I enjoyed the actual work.

      • Anonymous

        I always wonder what my life would have been like if I’d gone for the PhD in econ I wanted instead of settling for law school.

      • Anonymous

        YES! hard same. i excelled at math, even skipped a grade, but didn’t want to be a doctor so i went into liberal arts. i probably would have done well at coding if i’d been introduced to it earlier; by college i was already too left-brained. but being a quant was never something i considered.

      • Anonymous

        I wish I had had the confidence not let a sexist high school teacher scare me out of math classes.

      • Anon

        +1. I wish I had pursued an analytical career. I loved and excelled at science and math, but had no idea how to find a career path in those areas. I was the daughter of immigrants and would have benefited from guidance/mentoring on what I could do in these areas. Instead, I simplistically assumed that because I didn’t want to be a doctor there was no other career path to pursue in science, so I stopped taking science classes after excelling at my fundamental courses. I actually did major in math/statistics but also didn’t understand what I could do in these fields, so I opted for the “safe” route and went to law school. I am so not cut out to be a lawyer and fantasize about my parallel life as an actuary or scientist. I am a T&E/tax lawyer so it’s the closest in the legal field to capitalizing on my number skills, but I dream about a complete career re-do outside the law and wonder how my life would look different if I had pursue a different path.

    • anon

      I’ve typed and deleted this several times, but … isn’t that just life? You’re not going to get 100% of what you want. If I think of the top 3 things that are stressing me out: no, I couldn’t have chosen differently. What I am working on is how I react to my challenges. I’m also having to work on acceptance and letting go of perfectionism. It’s hard. I am 41 and also have other people to consider. Would I love to quit my job tomorrow and live off the grid? Kinda, yeah. But I’m not willing to blow up my life and my relative security to do so.

      • Anon

        Hmm… I guess, but I think what this post is more referring to is the stressors that AREN’T just life. Like relationships are hard and work can be stressful, but being in a Big Law job you hate but have to stay in because of debt (as an example) isn’t a necessary part of life. It seems like a lot of us feel like we’re overwhelmed with life and I wonder what some of the roots of that are? Not setting boundaries? Taking too much on? Getting sucked into a path that we were told was the “right” thing to do and then never considered what we actually wanted?

        I’d like to think we could all pursue the options available to us and not be confined to certain paths.

        • Anon

          +1 to the “getting sucked into a path that we were told was the “right” thing to do and then never considered what we actually wanted?”

          I’m the rouge international relations major/work in a job I love at an NGO that pays me terribly friend in the group. So many of my friends work in business (finance/accounting/consulting) are are miserable but are successful on paper and do well financially. Having been friends with these folks since early in college, I do not think they ever considered what they want to do, they just did what they thought they were supposed to do (good college, practical major, “good job”). We’re late 20s now and they’re slowly realizing they don’t want to do this for the next 30+ years, but don’t know what to do.

          My engineering friends are all very happy, my law friends are happy enough (they all plan for 2-3 years of big law and then gtfo so they’re currently not happy but plan on leaving soon), my medicine friends are happy enough.

          I’m always the lone dissenting voice saying yes! major in poli sci/history/whatever! Follow your dreams! I know I’ll never make a ton of money but I have high job satisfaction (both in that I like my day to day at my job and that I know my job is making a positive impact on this world!). It’s not all peaches and cream, but it’s a heck of a lot better than what most of my friends have.

          • Anon2

            Do you have or want kids? I was you til I had them and then regretted my path terribly – no room for salary advancement. Ended up going to T14 and working at an AmLaw10 – made bank which gave me some freedom after a few years. I wish I had gone into a niche artisan trade (knife making! Etc).

      • Anon

        I resonate with this. No one anywhere gets everything they want at the exact minute that they want it. I am pretty happy with my life. It’s easy to look around at other people and their lives and come up with a way to be dissatisfied with my own situation. But I have it pretty good compared to probably 99.5% of people. I try to remember to be grateful for what I have and remember that if I really hate something, I have the agency to change it. I am “at choice” in my own life; I got where I am because of my choices, and I can get someplace different by making different choices, if I want to do that.

        However, as a Buddhist I also try to embrace the koan “chop wood, carry water” which comes from an old saying: What do you do before enlightenment? Chop wood; carry water. What do you do after enlightenment? Chop wood; carry water. It’s meant to explain that there is no goal, purpose or endgame to life. What we get up and do every day is life. This is all there is. Buddhists can spend a lifetime meditating, seeking truth, practicing lovingkindness and doing good works and at the end of it, if they achieve enlightenment, the next morning they will have to get up and chop wood and carry water to light the fire and prepare the meal. Rather than try to fight this and think that if only X would happen, or once I get to a certain point, everything will be better, I try to lean into the rhythm of it. Today I got up and I chopped the wood and I carried the water. Tomorrow I hope I will be here to do the same, and the folks I love will be here with me. But that’s not up to me and not anything I can control, and so even if I get up tomorrow and everything I have ever loved is gone, I will need to chop wood and carry water and I will do that. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to get done.

        I will also say that while I understand what you’re saying about folks here. But over many years of reading here I have seen people make big, scary moves to transform their lives for the better. People have left high-paying, prestigious jobs; left marriages; had children as single mothers by choice; embraced being single and stopped dating; moved cross-country or overseas; take big promotions that scared them, etc. I also wouldn’t say that just because some people express dissatisfaction with one area of their life, that means they are in a place they would rather not be. I wish I weighed less (as does my doctor) but that doesn’t mean I hate my life. I think my life is pretty great, actually. If you read the threads that get posted about the things people are happy about, or grateful for, you will see the other side of the folks who vent here about their weight, job, partner, in-law problems or other aspects of life. I think most of us here live full lives, with many facets. Not every facet shines as brightly as others at all times.

    • Anon

      Yup, I should have gotten the eff out of this one-horse town immediately after graduating. There’s no point in blowing up my life to leave now, since I’m too old to start over in my field (woman in tech, the ageism is redonculous) and my parents are exactly at that point where hard decisions will have to be made soon.

      • Anon

        +1 People ask me all the time if I’ll be pushing my daughter into tech. I often say no. This is one of the things. Being a woman in tech is an uphill battle all the time with little comradery.

        • amberwitch

          Being a woman in tech I don’t think that is uniformly true.
          I’ve always enjoyed working in mixed gender tech organisations, and always tried to hire for diversity on my teams.
          Granted, the gender balance has always skewed heavily male, and the classical pattern of women mostly being project manager, test managers and business analysts while operations and development is mostly male has held true most, but not all, places I’ve worked.

    • Senior Attorney

      Honestly, sitting here is my early 60s, I’m quite happy with where I landed even though it was a he!! of a ride to get here. So I don’t want to butterfly-effect this amazing life out of existence, even to replace it with a different amazing life.

      That said: OMG I shouldn’t have married those first two guys. The test for who to marry, it turns out, is not “is this guy willing to marry you?” I really wish I’d known about price of admission/dealbreakers/there is no number three long long long ago, which would certainly have kept me from marrying them or even dating them for long.

      • Senior Attorney

        Response in mod but coming back to add: The very best thing I did was blowing up my life by leaving my marriage in my mid-50s even though I was petrified.

        • Jules

          Same here! Divorced after 25+ years, so much happier. When my dad told my stepmother that I had left my ex, her response was “what took her so long?”

    • Monday

      This is interesting timing. I recently realized that none of my major stressors are things within my control. For example, my biggest career/professional problem is the health care system! The only parts of my job that I don’t like are directly related to the corruption of our health system, and thus would not be different in any other job I could take. Likewise I really have no significant issues with anyone who is in my life by choice. Anyone who caused me pain is gone, unless it’s not up to me (as in my cousin’s jerk husband, who I only see 1-3x per year anyway at family gatherings). I am very concerned about the fate of democracy, which anyone can take action on but is obviously not in any one person’s control.

      So managing my stress, anxiety or sadness now seems to be about coping with things that are beyond my control. It’s reassuring in some way, but also frustrating. It’s like “ok Life, I took care of everything I could. Can you now fix the rest?”

      • Anon

        Agreed – the few things in my life that I’m unhappy with are either totally out of my control, or in my control but worth the price of admission.

        Out of my control: I too am stressed about the state of the world (health care, the economy, state of democracy, Ukraine), but obviously I cannot fix any of those issues myself. I’m also having some issues with my social circle – I’m continuing to show up and be a good friend and put in the effort but if other’s dont do the same that’s outside of what I can control (and that I continue to invest in the good friendships I have with people who don’t suck)

        In my control but worth the price of admission: I work in social services – it’s a hard job and doesn’t pay that great but I love what I do. I’d rather be middle class and look forward to going to work than rich and dread it! 40 hours a week for 40 years is too long to not love what I do.

    • Bloedel Babe

      I would have not married the considerably older man in my early 20s. I am glad that I divorced him, though. I would have learned Senior Attorney’s advice about price of admission/dealbreaker long ago.

      I am 40, and just realizing that I was raised in a highly misogynistic family dynamic. Women are supposed to serve and support men, period. Woman were not supposed to have their own needs or desires. For example, my father was unhappy that my mom occasionally took $50/pop dance lessons…but he had a $$$ boat, and their income was the same. No wonder that older guy was able to twist my arm into marrying him, despite my weak protestations.

      It feels like I am learning/growing out of that conditioning too late to recover myself. I am so lonely, but I do not know what a two-way relationship looks like. I also live in an area with basically zero singles my age, that doesn’t help. Hoping to move soon-ish.

    • Anon

      I think many of us feel this way because we are smart/successful/ambitious. If I was less ambitious and had lower expectations for myself, my life would be simpler. I’m not happy with the status quo, even when the status quo is pretty darn good, because I like challenges (within reason) so I’m going to push myself to get this promotion or lose these 5 lbs or run a marathon or whatever.

      That being said: the main sources of dissatisfaction in my life are either of my own doing or just part of life.

      Of my own doing:
      – I’m really unhappy with my weight/how out of shape I am right now. I gained about 20 lbs and fell out of shape with COVID. If I was less ambitious, I could be accept where my weight (size 8 when I’m normally a 4) and fitness levels (can run 2 miles, can’t run a half marathon) are right now, but as a life-long athlete I’m unhappy with this and want to fix it.
      – Job stress/low pay. I love my job 90% of the time, which is better than almost everyone I know. I”m a local gov’t social services worker so I love the helping aspect, I love being involved in my community, I love the work itself even though it’s often very hard. There are often long, stressful, awful days, but those days are often the “good” ones. However, working in local government I”m paid peanuts. I also would like to get promoted and move up in my org, but there is currently not room to do that and it is very frustrating (only way to move up is if someone above me leaves, which is unlikely right now). I tried doing similar work int he private sector and I HATED it, and there hasn’t been much fed/state hiring in the area lately (plus, getting through USA Jobs is a mess!)
      – I’m not very organized, I always feel like I’m playing catch up with my life, and I try to do too much with only 24 hours in a day. If I dealt with this and got my sh!t together, then I”m sure I would not longer feel like I’m drowning! I have too many hobbies and work responsibilities and social engagements and I want to cook and have a clean apartment and I’m training for 2 races and yada yada yada. I absolutely could choose a simpler life, but that’s not my MO so I’ll be out here like a chicken with my head cut off instead.
      – My best bet for better pay or a career more closely aligned with what I want to do would be remote work but I hate remote work and will only consider jobs where I’m able to go into the office at least a few times a week (and will have a local/on site boss I will work with in person).

      Just adulthood problems:
      – General concerns about major financial decisions like buying a house, going to grad school, retirement. Everyone I know, even my friends who make 2-3x what I make don’t know how they’ll afford these things! I could have gotten a higher paying job, but I don’t think it’s worth giving up my job satisfaction (both liking the work I do and knowing that I’m helping people)
      – Feeling lonely/issues with friends. Compared to almost every other late 20-something I know, I have a lot of friends so I’m lucky here. However, my social life (for many reasons) does not at all look like the social life I want. Friends are flaky or self centered or too COVID concerned to hang out or friend A doesn’t like friend B, whatever it is, but while I’m lucky to have the friends I have, I still don’t have the friend group that I desperately want. I am currently single, which does not bother me (I have not been putting much effort into dating lately) and I’m lucky that I have a good relationship with my family (who live 45 mins away) and that my parents are still young/healthy.
      – I live in my home city (which luckily is a major US city) because I love being near family and friends, I love the city itself, and when I lived elsewhere (DC) I did not enjoy it. I do not love the weather/lack of outdoor activities, the job market is not great in my niche field (though really, its only good in DC), and I don’t love the feeling that I never left (even though I did…just only for a few years). I debated moving out West a few years ago, which I think would have been fun, but not at the expense of leaving my family/friends and starting from scratch. I’ve chosen (correctly, I think) to stay because family over everything and this is where my family/friends are. But, it’s still a bummer that career and other things that would bring enjoyment to me will never be here and I’m always going to have to compromise. TLDR:
      the people I want are here, the jobs I want are in DC, and the lifestyle I want is in San Diego and so no matter where I go I’ll always feel dissatisfied.

      One thing that I wish I had done 10 years ago was join the military. I think it’d likely have helped me financial position and my job prospects and I think I’d have done well/enjoyed the atmosphere. I could join now, but I am comfortable in my life as it is so I don’t want to go active duty. I did speak with a reserve recruiter, but was not yet eligible for the program I was interested in.

      • Anonymous

        Your post resonated so well with me. Our lives sound similar, except I work in a different field. I do not regret not joining the military, although I thought about it – my older brother served post-9-11 and frankly, he regrets it. Thank you for sharing!

    • Woof

      When I made decisions about my life when I was in college and shortly thereafter, I had such little vision and understanding about the work world, cost of living, how to make career decisions, etc. And I got very little guidance from my parents and from college staff. Also, I had a rough childhood and made decisions with lots of fear and anxiety as I was flat broke and piecing a life together. I am not sure that this could have been different: those facts led to decisions that I would not have made many years later knowing more, understanding more about myself and the work world.

      I married late-ish–32–and dated a lot along the way. Marrying my husband was the best decision I made, and I would have chosen someone less suitable had I not waited and been dumped along the way. His steadiness, strong sense of responsibility, and goodness helped my overcome some of my childhood trauma. That decision was based upon the life experience I had accumulated by then.

      Now, trying to change and make different choices is on me, and is fun and frightening at the same time. My childhood difficulties left me with little sense of direction, as my decision making was always out of fear, anxiety, and trying to avoid a parent exploding at me. I am practicing knowing what I want!

    • Ellen

      I hear you. I worked so hard to get to be a partner, but now that I am, what good is it? Yes I make a lot of money, but am I happy? Yes about the partnership, but in the meantime, I lost on on having a baby and getting married b/c men were intimedated by me and my legal expertise. They also were afraid of my dad, who worked in espionage behind the iron curtan for a number of years. So I wind up single with no prospects, even tho I was pretty in college and had men after me as well as professors, tho their intentions were not honorable. So if I had to do it over again, I would probably focus on getting married first to a guy who could support me, and then I would have a baby or 2, then I would dabble in the law and maybe become a professor of law where I could work maybe 10 hours a week, including office time. Too late now, but not to late for those in the HIVE who still have time. I say do it in this order:
      1) find a guy with a future
      2) marry him
      3) let him support you
      4) have a baby or 2
      5) raise the children and cook and make yourself indespensible to your man
      6) go back in the job market in about 6 years, working as a lawyer or law professor, but ONLY 10 hours a week TOTAL.

      If I had done all this, I would not be moaning about it now to the HIVE. Listen to me!

  6. Anon

    trying to make up for my mistake earlier:

    if you are a senior person in your large firm, and you are chosen to be in a top-talent program designed to get you to the next level, what would you hope to get from the program and be able to participate in?

    • Senior Attorney

      I understood all of this except the last clause of the last sentence, so well done! I would hope that it would clarify what, exactly, was the path to the next level, and give me the tools to walk that path (or at least point me to where the tools could be found).

    • Cat

      -What is the next level? As you get more senior it gets harder and harder to advance internally bc the number of openings dwindles at each level. If your manager isn’t going anywhere soon, are there lateral moves available?
      -What are the skills you should be working on given your options based on question #1?

    • Anon

      Honestly, assess through the program if the next level is something you actually want. Is it interesting? Would it cut into the rest of your life in such a way as to be a net negative? Would you be happy at that level? Or do you feel obligated to do it because that’s just what you are supposed to do.

      • Anon

        such great feedback, thank you!!

        what we’re thinking about: how to grow yourself professional, how to help grow your team members and “stretch” assignments (to get out of your comfort zone and build skills)

        I’d love to hear any other thoughts…

        (I’m going to take SA’s comment as a compliment! i wish I could better decode the last bit better…)

        • Cat

          Are you a participant, or helping to set the agenda for this? These concepts aren’t foreign to me -what I’d want to get out of a development session are specific, actionable items. Like – there’s not room for advancement in my reporting chain; how do I identify lateral moves? When taking a stretch assignment, how do I make sure I’m stretching in a way that’s not malpractice?

    • Anonymous

      When I was in-house, I was selected for the company’s leadership development program. The company’s goal was to give participants more exposure to executives, business leaders, and people from different divisions of the company than we normally worked with – and keep us. (Everyone else had been there a decade plus, but I couldn’t picture long-term career growth). The program required attending fairly boring leadership trainings – speeches and “how tos.” I’d already read all but one of the books they recommended or assigned, and I didn’t get much content or skills out of it. Example: Covey’s 7 habits, Lencioni’s books about meetings. I did meet new people, and participated in roundtable discussions with business leaders who had different perspectives. I wish, looking back, that I had been less shy about my opinions even if that meant disagreeing with an “ALL LEADERS DO ____” premise. If you’re looking to write goals or something, maybe it would be “go to X lunches or coffees with other participants;” “revise my business plan,” or “learn from diverse perspectives.” I’d want to participate in everything men are invited to.

  7. Elle

    I have three months paid maternity and my husband has 6 weeks. We’re leaning towards him taking 2 weeks at the beginning with me and 4 weeks when I return to work. My husband wants to be a very involved dad but he doesn’t have a lot of confidence around babies. We think that being the primary care giver for a period of time will give him the confidence he’s looking for. Is there any downside we’re not considering?

    • S

      Do it! That’s exactly what we did and well over five years later we’re still both reaping the benefits. It’s just amazing for confidence, bonding, equitable sharing of childcare etc. It also makes going back to work much much easier because you’re leaving your child with someone you know, love and trust. My husband can drive me crazy but he’s an incredible dad and I really think those four weeks he was on his own with our daughter was key to setting that all up. And, you get a month back at work before the daycare germs set in if you’re doing daycare after. I wish more men took leave without overlapping all of their time with the baby’s mom. The only downside, if there is one, is your husband’s job may assume he’s available for the occasional call/email since so many men do overlap all of your time.

    • anon

      Yes, I think it’s so important for dads to get that experience of figuring it out on their own, just like we do. It may go a long way toward alleviating some of the division of labor responsibilities that young parents with kids tend to face. Speaking of wishing we could do things differently, I wish we had done this. DH was home with me and the babies for the first week, and then I was on my own. He also didn’t have a very supportive workplace and now regrets not pushing back more. I don’t blame him for that because I do think he would’ve faced consequences.

    • Cat

      I don’t have kids, but advice from friends – resist the urge to leave your husband with instructions when it’s time for his “SAHD” leave time. Like hopefully from weekends he’ll know the current basic eating & feeding & sleeping schedule, but leaving instructions reinforces the “dad’s the babysitter” dynamic that I see in way, way, way too many couples.

      • anon

        Oh, huge 2nd. If you go out of town alone, for whatever reasons, don’t make the meals ahead and knock yourself out to get things ready for dad-and-kid time. That is the way to insanity, and yet I see so many moms doing that. Call me lazy, but heck no, I’m not doing that.

        • Anon

          100% co-sign and it is not laziness, it is empowerment, IMO. I did not do this, and I re-started traveling for work when my son was less than a year old. I looked at it as: my husband is an intelligent adult capable of running a very important function at his job. He knows from the weekend and evening routines what caring for the baby looks like. I am not going to micromanage that. And I didn’t.

          As a result, there’s never been a single trip I’ve taken where my husband was frantically texting about “where is X” or “what do I do now.” He had to deal with some hairy situations when our son was younger and I was away, including locking himself out of the house with the baby and having our kid get sick and need to go to the pediatrician while I was still gone. He handled it. I was looped in on what was going on, of course, but I didn’t need to drop everything to help him, or go home to deal with it.

          It requires a person understanding that how their partner will do things isn’t necessarily the way they would do things, but the child(ren) will still be safe and everything will be fine. I have absolutely seen cases where one parent creates a dependency situation and then complains about it. Doing that is a choice.

      • No Face

        I didn’t have a leave splitting option with my husband, but I give a BIG second to letting dad figure things out. I traveled for work before the pandemic, and I always just…left. I have a better husband and my kids have a better father because of it!

      • Anon

        +1

        I can’t imagine marrying, let alone having a child with a man, who I wouldn’t trust to raise our kids (or to anon at 3:56’s point – cook dinner, maintain a house while I’m gone, etc).

      • Anon

        Exactly. He may do it differently than you do it, but differently does not equal wrong.

    • Senior Attorney

      DO IT. And +1 to resist the urge to second-guess what he’s doing.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a great plan. Lots of people we know do this.

      The only downside I can possibly see is that some (not all) babies start sleeping long stretches or even through the night at around three months. So you may feel that you get the short end of the stick on that end if you’re doing 100% of night stuff early on while you’re on leave and he’s working but then again if your baby sleeps at three months you’ll probably be thrilled. Babies also (imo) get more fun around that time so you may feel a little jealous when you go back. But you might be like me and thrilled to be back at work after leave!

      • Anonymous

        But then there is the 4 month sleep regression – that was right when I went back to work and it nearly killed me.

        • Anon

          I feel like this is a little bit of an urban legend? Not saying some people don’t have sleep problems around this age (or any age, really), but I was so worried about this and it never happened. Lots of friends reported the same thing.

          • Curious

            It’s not. It just doesn’t hit all babies the same way. The ones it does, it’s horrid. Signed, ours didn’t have it, but my friend’s second and lots of other friends did, and it was very hard.

    • Anon

      We had the same setup and he took 4 weeks right away and 2 weeks when I went back to work. The first two weeks fly by but you’re still getting a handle on things so it was nice to have him still unavailable for whole first full month. Either way, definitely have him take time when you go back. By that time, he will be a pro dad.

    • Anon

      Definitely do it! Having each parent be primary caregiver is so good for equal parenting and each parent’s relationship with the kiddo. My husband is a teacher who got one semester off as his leave. We had a February baby so we could have had him off in the spring, basically completely overlapping with my maternity leave, but we opted to have him take the following fall off and be baby’s primary caregiver over the summer and fall. It meant our kid didn’t have to start daycare until she was 11 months and both of us got lots of quality time with the baby. Splitting it the way you’re proposing is optimal since you will need a couple weeks for physical recovery (my mom was here to help us the first two weeks but if we hadn’t had her it would have been tough).

    • Anon

      If you do this (great idea) make sure to introduce bottles early and regularly. If you only start introducing them when you go back to work and if you are working from home baby will know and refuse the bottle and your husband will be left with a screaming child. Learn from my mistakes :)

      • Anonymous

        Great point if she’s ebf ing. Some people don’t bf at all and I’m just here to say if you can’t or don’t want to you are still a good mom. (No one told me this.)

    • anon

      If it’s at all possible to swing it financially, I’d encourage him to take more leave, even if it’s unpaid. It’ll give him more confidence and time to bond. It’s also good for employers to see men both as a liability for being out on parental leave and to see them as primary parents, not secondary to women.

      • Agreed

        Strong second. Totally understand if this isn’t financially feasible, but he’s eligible for 12 weeks of FMLA; you might think about having him home for the first four weeks (we did 8 weeks, and it was a really nice time being together as we jointly learned how to be parents) and then take another four (so he’d end up taking two unpaid) when you go back to work, for all the reasons you’ve already articulated (we did that part too, and it was really good for both of us).

  8. Anonymous

    Has anyone tried to wash a woven silk necklace (with heavy metal details)? i got an anthro one from poshmark, thinking it was white/beige/blue, but it just feels dirty grungy beige to me every time i wear it. so i’m thinking of letting it sit for a bit in a bowl with woolite, maybe squishing a bit by hand, then airdrying.

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t, but my feeling on this kind of thing is that if you don’t love wearing it as is, what’s the harm in trying?

      • Senior Attorney

        That’s always my philosophy. White sneakers all dusty from an unscheduled nature walk? Might as well toss ’em in the washing machine because their “pristine” days are over in any event.

        • Anon

          here’s a job for mr clean magic eraser, not dust but white sneakers overall

    • Anne-on

      I haven’t, but I’ve washed Hermes silk scarves before (on gentle, with woolite) on the advice of the store associates so I don’t see how handwashing would be an issue.

  9. Anon

    Looking for tips – any advice on how to celebrate someone who just doesn’t get excited about gifts or extra attention? My husband just got an internal promotion, and I want to do something nice for him but he’s always been a “no gifts, no cards” kind of guy (I am the opposite). His birthday is also exactly 2 weeks after mine (I’m turning 30 so we’re splurging on a long weekend getaway) and when I asked him what he wanted to do he just said we could count the trip as being for both of us (he planned the entire thing so did all the legwork). I know he doesn’t expect anything but gift giving is one of my love languages and I want to do something to make him feel special/appreciated! Anyone else have a similar dynamic? What has worked well for you? Or is this just something where I need to get out of my own head? It makes me feel like a sh*tty wife, even though I know he doesn’t think that.

    • Anonymous

      “I know he doesn’t expect anything but gift giving is one of my love languages and I want to do something to make him feel special/appreciated!”

      Since gift giving isn’t one of his love languages, you will not be successful in this by forcing him to accept gifts he actively tells you he does not want.

      What are HIS love languages? Maybe he enjoys quality time? If so, you need to change your mindset, not his. Your gift to him can be spending time with him on holiday and focusing your attention on him during the getaway.

      • Anon

        Yes, this. I am like the husband in this situation and being forced to come up with gift ideas or wish lists for myself just makes me feel sad, lonely and misunderstood. I don’t mind a thoughtful surprise once in a while but I want to cry from frustration when my spouse resorts to guilting or bullying me into coming up with a gift idea.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I also hate gifts and its so selfish and sh*tty when people get me gifts I expressly told them NOT to buy and then I have to fake happiness.

  10. Anon

    I know a lot of people rave about these dresses, but I don’t know who is successfully rocking these ridiculous sleeves. I know it’s not me. Anyone making it work? If so, are you tall and lithe? As a short, middle-aged weightlifter, I always end up look like Sister Wife, the Toddler Version.

    • Anon

      I’m size 6 broad shoulders and agree – puff sleeves (and drop sleeves) do me no favors. I think you need to be very thin and/or petite on top

      • Ellen

        Yes, it reminds me of the dresses my Grandma Trudy wears. She has flabby arms so this kind of dress covers her arms from the shoulder down to the elbow. Mom also has flabby arms, and she has also bought these to conceal her arms. She said that her arms were lean when she was young and had to lift me and Rosa into our strollers and to our chairs at the dining room table, but ever since then, she has not done much other then lift bags of groceries out of the carts into the SUV, and Dad usually empties the SUV when she gets home and puts the food away for her.

    • Anon

      I am tall but not especially lithe. I think I look vaguely Sister Wife-ish but I don’t really care. It’s comfy!

    • No Face

      I have been giving the side eye to this type of dress because they are antithetical to my super sleek pre-pandemic style. But I went shopping and now I am huge fan. So comfy and surprisingly flattering on my figure.

      Definitely not tall or lithe, but I have very narrow shoulders.

    • Anon

      Cutesy details like this look terrible on me. I’m an extremely short hourglass. I need severe minimalist lines, or else I look overwhelmed, like my clothes are eating me.

    • Anon

      just appreciating the sister wife, toddler version comment to give words to a feeling I’ve had

    • Anonymous

      I think you probably have to be pear shaped with more narrow shoulders and small bust to benefit from those sleeves.

      • Anon

        This is me! And yes, thanks to some COVID15 I now have the cinnabar one. No shoulders, monster hips, very low center of gravity to compensate for with big sleeves.

  11. Anon

    unusual question: I bought some antique (1920) kimonos from etsy. they arrived with significant staining and smell of smoke.

    is there a way to clean beside dry cleaning? right now they are hanging in the bathroom with the window wide open….

    • Anon

      Dunk them in a sink of lukewarm water with some shampoo or dish soap (or a wool wash like Soak if you have it). If the color might run, add a color catcher sheet or some liquid synthrapol to prevent color from landing elsewhere on the fabric where it shouldn’t. Squish them around, drain, repeat until the grossness is gone. Silk can usually be handwashed just fine.

  12. Anon

    The morning thread from the reader being considered for a management role has got me thinking. Is there a way to know if you’d be good at and enjoy being a manager before becoming one? My only management experience, if I can even call it that, is delegating to admins and paralegals. It’s not always been an enjoyable experience but I often think it’s because I have little visibility into what training they’ve received and what else is on their plate. Is there an analytical framework for figuring out if I’d like being a manager?

    • Anon

      I am currently participating in my office’s mentoring program for a junior employee. It is akin to being a junior manager, where I have some authority and oversight over my mentee and provide feedback to their direct manager. I get input from that manager on areas of growth they want me to help my mentee focus on as well as guidance for me on how to handle different situations as they arise. I do not feel that I am ready for the responsibility of being a manager, but I enjoy this lighter version. It is beneficial for allowing me to develop managerial skills without completely messing up a direct report. The intent of the mentoring program is to give employees like me the chance to grow into a management role if everyone mutually agrees it is a good fit, but to also give us a safe opportunity to learn whether those responsibilities make sense for our skills and our own career goals.

    • Anon

      I think it really depends on what manager means in the particular case. The example you described is about managing others’ work, not managing people themselves. (But I am not in law so I may be reading it incorrectly). And then you can manage budget, results, growth objectives etc. etc…

      I think if you know how to execute and get results from others, enjoy promoting others growth and can find ways to work well with people you both get along with and don’t, with power diferentials both up and down, and all that sounds apealing instead of exhausting then, yes you will probably enjoy being a manager of people.

  13. Anon

    I did that thing and informed my boss I quit. She was surprised, devastated, sorry, offered to look for solutions that would allow me to stay… In any case, since May, I am free and will enjoy few months off, so that I can recharge, recover, be happy again.
    I am now waiting for the feeling of relief? joy? to kick in, but maybe it will come later.
    But am low-key happy I am getting out if my dysfunctional company and proud of myself to quit without having anything lined up (have tons of savings).

    • Anon

      That’s amazing! Congratulations for taking such an important step forward! Also super impressive that you have the savings to do this. Well done!

  14. Anonymous

    I’m white. Can I order and wear a black women are supreme shirt from the NAACP? Or is it better just to donate? I am a partner at a law firm and fairly well known in my community. (I don’t quite understand cultural appropriation nuance – not trying to start any debates, just looking for gut reactions “do it!” Or “I wouldn’t”)

    • Monday

      I understand why you’re asking.

      As a white woman, my gut reaction is “I could probably theoretically justify wearing this shirt, but it wouldn’t feel right so I wouldn’t do it.”

      Yes, the shirt is for sale by the NAACP, so one could conclude that buying and wearing it supports black women. But I have heard/read too much about black women feeling tokenized or expected to shoulder all of the burdens of social injustice. It reads to me too cutesie for the situation we are all in right now, with black women (as always) in some of the hardest positions of anyone.

      I’d recommend donating, and looking into whether the NAACP is the most effective place for your donation based on what you intend it to do.

    • Anon

      This feels performative to me and will probably be taken poorly by some people, and I think those people would have a point. Agree with the suggestion that if you want to help, donating to NAACP, a historically-black college or university, or another charity of your choice that supports BIPOC would be a better move. Also call or write your senator and make sure to express your support for Ketanji Brown Jackson, even if you’re pretty sure your senator is going to vote to confirm her anyway.

    • Anonymous

      I would not do it , especially if you are someone who hasn’t even bothered to read an article on cultural appropriation. (This I don’t even quite view as that – it comes off as tokenism). I just feel like the white women most likely do do this are those who have all white employees / friends / circles .

      I think it’s because it’s not a shirt honoring one woman , it’s a shirt honoring a class of people ? If I saw a man wearing a “women are supreme “ shirt it would also rub me this way – performative

      • Op

        I have read articles, and a few books that include the topic, but I honestly can’t say I really “get” it yet. I occasionally see criticisms in popular culture or on Twitter of people who do certain things, wear certain things – and sometimes I understand that (like if it is a celebrity making money off a different culture) but other times, I don’t feel like I don’t understand. If you have any suggested think pieces, I’d appreciate recommendations (especially with examples, so I can better grasp different layers).

      • Senior Attorney

        I think the second paragraph is a good point. I’m white and I wear my Octavia E. Butler tee proudly, but I think the one described in the OP would feel too performative. I vote that the OP should just donate and call it a day.

        • Anonymous

          One could argue that this is honoring a specific person–Ketanji Brown Jackson, who is about to become Supreme.

  15. Anon

    if anyone is cleaning this weekend too, keep going!

    we’ve started two weekends ago and we’re working our way through categories: linens and stored clothes are done. (big donations to animal shelter for clean old sheets and mattress toppers and clothes to homeless shelter) this week during evenings, stored paper. anything we need we will scan amd take the papers to our library shred fundraiser next weekend. (is $7 a box, we will likely have 50 or 60$ and round to $100 for donation.

    if anyone else is on the fence or knee deep, I encourage you to keep going!

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