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anon.
Looking for a sling-style bag for travel. Does anyone personally have the Kavu rope sling/ could you let us know if you like it? Any other alternatives (non leather!) that you like? I’m casual and also like the Patagonia one but it is smaller than the Kavu. Thanks.
Anon
Love my Kavu but wish it had slightly better internal pocket organization. It’s my weekend bag. I can throw a diaper, snacks, juice cup, water and wallet phone etc in there no problem. I like that it has two big pockets so one is for the kid and one is for me.
Obviously I’m a super casual mom but it is very handy.
Anonymous
I like mine. I’ve used it on trips with my kids several times. It’s not huge though, so for me it’s a purse replacement, not a carryon replacement. The only drawback is that the rope can rub a bit on bare skin if it’s overfilled or you get sunburn.
anon
Have never used the Kavu, but I do like my Patagonia one.
anonshmanon
Question for those who are ramping down animal products in their diet: what are some plant-based options for mimicking the creamy richness of butter in a sauce?
Anonymous
Margarine
Anon
I really love Earth Balance margarine. It’s my secret ingredient in bean dishes.
anon
I also like Earth Balance but Miyokos butters’ are European Style and she has an oatmilk-based one that you might want to try.
Anon
Like a béchamel sauce? In that case I’d probably use a vegan butter. But if I’m just trying to add richness to a dish, I usually use olive oil or some form of nuts. I do a lot of cashew “ricotta” in place of cheese or make pesto sauces using any kind of herb or veggie (cilantro, parsley, arugula and broccoli are great for this, as are sundried tomatoes and roasted peppers) plus garlic, salt, olive oil, nutritional yeast, and nuts (usually walnuts). Peanut butter makes a good sauce for veggies and noodles (with toasted sesame oil, soy sauce and other seasonings).
anon
Cashew cream is amazing for this!
Related: we do still eat dairy, but make variations of this sauce pretty often: https://recipes.oregonlive.com/recipes/tofu-mushroom-stroganoff
We have used just the mushroom/cashew sauce as a topping for biscuits and as a substitute for cream of mushroom soup in casseroles and as a component of pasta sauces.
Lydia
cashews, hemp hearts, and white beans all work (puree or blend all of them). Kenji Lopez Alt has a recipe for vegan Alfredo that I think uses cauliflower. Also, School Night Vegan on instagram has some great sauce tips.
Anon
If you’re going to use a vegetable, like the beans or cauliflower, you definitely also need to add fats.
Lydia
oh yes def! beans just help to make it thick and creamy, which I find adds to the illusion… but you definitely need a fat in there also!
Anon
Coconut milk
A
Soak cashew nuts and then grind to a thick paste. Works for Asian curries.
Anonymous
I think you are asking about traditional entree type cream based sauces and there are lots of good ideas here already. I Just wanted to add when I make a dessert that calls for vanilla extract (like Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies, or a cake) – I use LorAnn brand vanilla butter emulsion instead of vanilla to add the rich butter flavor to vegan desserts.
Anonymous
DH isn’t happy about decisions we made jointly where we both had the right to veto, so now he won’t let me be happy – what do I do??
Bought a house – I’m thrilled. It’s exactly what we were looking for plus move in ready. When we first started looking we had agreed that we’d renovate any home to make it ours before we moved in – paint, carpet, bathroom/kitchen if needed. Now because we got a move in ready/recently renovated house plus our monthly costs are obviously going to be higher due to interest rates, we agreed (or so I thought) not to spend $ to change things just to change them and instead focus on rebuilding cash and we can do things to the house as we go along.
Yet if I have to hear DH be grossed out by “living in someone else’s house” for the 1000th time, I will SCREAM. I grew up in a HCOL in NJ where my parents scrimped to buy a house in their mid 40s, when I was at the end of elementary, so living in a new construction, custom build was never a thing. DH OTOH grew up in Texas where his parents and every family member back in the 80s-90s and even now is able to buy a new build where they are the first owner; it’s not that all are buying fancy custom homes but just that there are enough new developments going up that you can be the first owner of something. So to him anything else that someone has lived in is “gross.” Yet we live in a HCOL northern state where we both knew and accepted a new build would never happen because there is no land open anywhere within 90 min of us!
I’m annoyed at the constant comments re “gross.” He wants a move in cleaning. Ok great – makes sense, I say throw in a deep cleaning and they’ll do baseboards, blinds, ceiling fans too. Oh no he thinks some company can sanitize every drawer, door knob, and cabinet handle in the home?? He can take a day off to deal with that as I am not taking time off before the move. But how do you even supervise that without looking like a loon? Like a cleaning company sends 3-4, are you running person to person saying I didn’t see you sanitize the 4th drawer from the left, do it again?? I’ve also offered that if he’s changed his mind we can do things like get new carpeting put in now but no he doesn’t want to spend the $$. What do I do here – he’s making this experience miserable. We’ve been together 6 years, and while I knew he was spoiled in some ways, this is ridiculous.
Anon
Lawd, he sounds like Season 1 or 2 Theresa from RHWONJ. Like she couldn’t live in a used house. I wonder if prison changed that? They don’t repaint or deep-clean between inmates. Seriously, he should watch that.
Anonymous
HAHAH OMG I forgot about that.
Anon
Where were you living before? An apartment? Were you the first tenants? How did he deal with that?
Anonymous
I imagine it feels pretty hurtful and disappointing to go through the emotional highs and lows of buying a home and then your partner keeps calling the home “gross.” Does he know how it makes you feel? Set aside the fact that he’s being a spoiled brat and focus on how his words and attitude are impacting you.
Other than that, try to ignore him. Get the deep cleaning, if he wants to be extra to the cleaning people then I guess he can do that as long as it’s outside of your presence. Maybe he’s having some sort of buyers remorse that will work itself out as you two start making the home your own.
Anonymous
Tell him “enough is enough. You agreed to buy this home. I am excited about it. Feel free to hire whatever cleaning service you want but stop calling my home I’m excited about gross.”
Anonymous
Is it possible that he’s just freaking out and acting like an a-hole because of the stress of moving and taking on the giant expense that is home ownership?
Anonymous
THIS. I bought a house on my own…then sobbed at my mother multiple times between offer acceptance and closing.
anon
I would observe that some people, based on their upbringing and culture, have this opinion about houses that have been lived in before. I don’t understand it or agree, but I think you are going to fight a losing battle. Figure out what he needs, try to control the damage, and chalk this up to his insanity. I would also be pissed that he didn’t establish this as a deal breaker early on and probe how it got to this point…did he softly bring this up in the search and you overruled him? Or did he just come out of nowhere?
Anonymous
OP here – so he’s always lamented “we won’t get a new build.” EVERY time I have said, do you not want to buy? Do we want to consider moving away from here which means a job switch for both of us, as neither of us has employers that would let us live hundreds of miles or many states away permanently? He knows I am somewhat open to leaving the area though not necessarily to go live next to his family. He’s always said no this is how it is here. We both had the right to veto any house based on just “I can’t deal with it,” and we both did veto certain ones that the other didn’t think were so bad. It’s not like a new build someplace is an option but I overruled it because I wanted this house or this location. It’s that it is literally not an option unless you extend our already 50 minute commute times by an extra 90 minutes. This is a built out metro area where there are no pockets of land left where they’ll allow 100 new homes to be built; and unlike certain states here they don’t give permits to buy a house, knock it down, and build a new one on that land as is common in some areas like outside DC.
Anonymous
I’d probably call him on it. He wants a new build, and it’s not possible. So who is he going to be and how is he going to respond, in the face of imperfect reality that is in front of him?
I get it. I rent now because I can’t afford to buy, and it HURTS that I won’t ever get to live in a beautiful clean, new custom house like the houses my friends live in. My task is to deal with the hurt of it and choose gratitude and contentment with what I DO have, rather than drive myself crazy with what’s not possible (or isn’t possible now).
It sounds like all during the house process he’s been going along with the decisions in front of him, making the right ones, saying the right stuff, etc., but he’s never reconciled himself to the fact that those options are limited and what he wants just isn’t available (at least right now). It’s probably really hard on him to go to all this work and to spend all this money only to get a house that actually doesn’t fit what he would really like to have. I get it.
Yet the choice in front of him is stark: drive himself and you crazy over what he wants but can’t have OR take steps toward becoming a man who is able to be content enough with the imperfect present (while, if possible, planning for something different in the future, if that’s possible).
Anonymous
Hi from Long Island! I totally get it. My question is, what does he say about your friends’ homes? I live in a pretty wealthy area and no one I know has a new build home. Yet renovations and home improvement projects are a constant source of discussion. Does he think everyone’s house is gross? If not, why not?
WRT the obsessive sanitizing, could he possibly have ocd tendencies? My sister in law is like this, and it’s a real struggle even if she doesn’t seem like someone who would be ocd about cleanliness (tends to be very messy and disorganized).
In any event if it were me I’d probably say “babe, I’m really excited about x,y, z and I love this new house and I want you to be happy here too. Please do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable as far a cleanliness, but it’s a real bummer when you disparage the place and it hurts my feelings. Pleas stop calling the house gross.”
Anonymous
I don’t live in a new build, but every house I’ve seen in places like MA and Long Island is gross unless it’s had a very expensive gut reno.
Vicky Austin
Have you told him to get TF over himself? If so, you are more patient than I.
Vicky Austin
On a more serious note, I would 100% say, “This is your task to manage now. Let me know when you decide what you want to do.”
Or just get the cleaning and move yourself into the house and let him figure his sh!t out?
Aunt Jamesina
Yeah, I think this is his problem so he needs to figure out the solution.
Does he have anxiety or germaphone tendencies otherwise? Is this possibly a manifestation of it? Does he think that it’s entirely rational to be grossed out by a “used” house, or does he own the fact that it’s entirely normal and no riskier to health to live in a “used” home?
I always wonder how people who feel this way manage to handle public spaces in everyday life…
Anonymous
If he’s a germaphobe and would prefer a new build then I guess he’s never seen a construction site.
Anonymous
Lol 308. So true. My germaphobe husband does have some view that construction of new things is SOOO clean. I grew up in an engineering family with grandpa owning a construction company. Uh yeah construction guys don’t have any problem taking a leak behind the house they are building if no one is there and the plumbing isn’t going yet; and no they aren’t then careful sanitizing their hands before coming back in to hang your lighting fixtures or lay your floors or kitchen counters or shift your refrigerator into place. This never occurred to my DH who has never been around anything besides an office.
Anonymous
IDK your relationship so please ignore if I’m totally off but if this is anything like my DH this is the start of, the north is unlivable, we can’t afford anything here, look how much better off my family lives while making half the money in Texas, we have to move. We live in Boston – yes housing here will always be more expensive and older housing stock with much higher property taxes. But the price of admission with me was I’m from the north, I’m staying in the north; it need not be Boston but it will be somewhere in the Boston to DC corridor, all of which has expensive housing. So when he whines about Texas after a while I’m quick to tell him he’s free to buy whatever mansion he wants in Texas for HIMSELF.
Anonymous
This sounds just like my DH and Ohio. Yes it is beautiful where you grew up. I’m very happy you have fond childhood memories of chasing frogs in the pond in your parents back yard. No I am not moving to Ohio.
Anonymous
Same except in our case it’s Tulsa vs. Chicago. He expressly moved here to date me and live with me in Chicago, he knew we were staying in Chicago though once he arrived I agreed we’d live in the suburbs and we did move. But once we got married, the not so subtle sending me house listings in Tulsa started — see how much house just 300k buys in Oklahoma, my friends live like royalty and so could we. OMG I was very clear that we were never moving to Tulsa as an inter racial couple, esp when he and his friends themselves tell stories about how it is being the only brown person in private school or whatever!? Is this a husband thing??
anon
No, I know women who pull that same crap.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s a husband or wife thing, I think it comes into play when one person moves to a much higher COL from where they grew up. Some % of people then get it in their head that this isn’t worth it, we get nothing got the money here etc.
anon
4:04, true and TBH, if I moved to a HCOL area, I would probably feel the same way.
Anonymous
4:08 – I totally get it but reality is often the partner living in Chicago, Boston, or wherever is REALLY clear that this is where they will stay and if it doesn’t work, then let’s not get together/let’s break up now. What gets me is the way bfs/gfs go along with this, move to said big city because they want to be with this person, get married, and THEN the whining starts about how hard life is or how expensive it is in NYC. It was the price of admission and presumably no one forced you to marry this big city person, nor did anyone prevent you from marrying your childhood sweetheart back home and buying a house in the neighborhood you grew up in.
Anonymous
I grew up in Los Angeles and lived in Boston after college but I still think HCOL is the emperor’s new clothes. When I was 22 I was offered a job in NYC. In trying to sell me on the job the hiring manager chirped “and the crime-ridden neighborhood where the job is located is affordable, so you’ll be able to have an apartment with several roommates right near the office!” No way, lady. Keep your job and your city.
Anonymous
The #notallmen shtick is really tiresome, ladies
Anonymous
I kind of sympathize with the husband here. My husband and I lived in the Boston are for several years when we were first married. We left because it was just unlivable. Horrible traffic, massively long commutes, expensive nasty old houses that we could never afford. Judging by the number of refugees from the northeast who have followed us and driven up housing prices and increased traffic in the mid-sized city where we now live, we are not the only ones who got sick of the hassle and expense. I miss a lot of things about the Northeast, but unless you are super rich and/or willing to put up with a lot of nonsense it’s just not worth it.
Anonymous
I’m sure you didn’t intend it this way, but your use of the term refugee in this context is super offensive especially in light of what’s happening in Ukraine. I know people talk this way but sometimes it’s better to have someone point this out on the internet where you’re anonymous rather than risking an unintentional gaffe with people whose opinions you care about.
Anon
Oh good lord.
Anon
Nasty old houses? I associate Boston with some of the loveliest domestic architecture I’ve seen anywhere. I definitely cannot say that about Texas.
Anonymous
The houses that real people can afford to buy in the Boston area do not qualify as “architecture.” Ever heard of a raised ranch?
Eliza
LOL, seriously. I love my nasty 190 year old house.
Anon
There’s definitely more spoiled folks than just the commenter’s husband on this one! Imagine thinking a raised ranch qualifies as a “nasty old home.” So many people would be beyond grateful for an opportunity to own any home in a safe area, never mind a single family home at that (even if it was a bit dated.) The ironic part is that houses up near Boston are gorgeous, historic, and generally much more well maintained than other parts of the country.
Anonymous
I guess it doesn’t really matter who’s right or not in this situation, but how to make some sort of “compromise” that will make him stop bothering you with the comments about your new house being “gross” but actually your house, and for you to not feel that you are wasting money that you prefer go to savings?
A professional deep clean sounds like a great thing either way, especially bathrooms and kitchen, anything with grease. I don’t think used houses are gross (facepalm), but have still cleaned all my places before moving there.
Even though the house is move-in ready, are there any rooms or little details where you do know that while it’s new and fresh it really isn’t your taste? I have often wanted to change up a few things just to make it personal, or change some light fixtures, curtain fixtures or simple things that say “we chose this”. Those things might not be expensive, but would it be okay for you to have a smaller budget for this, and use for things like light fixtures, blinds, door handles, kitchen or bathroom cabinet handles, backsplash paint, TP holder, welcome mat, house number sign…. Just small stuff that you see and touch every day, but that is nowhere near an unnecessary reno? Might not be something that would have an impact on your husbands comments, but might be worth exploring if you think it would get you some peace.
Anon
Your husband sounds like a spoiled little sh1t to me, and you have my permission to tell him so. My name is Renee. Tell him Renee said he’s a spoiled little sh1t, and that she also told him to grow the F up.
Anon
Carol seconds this.
Not op but
Hahaha. I like you Renee!
Anon
Hahaha, this is great. Lynn concurs.
Anon
Make that 2 Lynns.
Anonymous
And a Lyn
S
Soo, I love old houses but I also love a *very* deep clean before moving in so that I feel like I’m starting with a fresh slate. What I did was: (1) hire for a move in clean; then take an extra day off of work before we moved and after the deep clean I (2) personally went through each room and cleaned places a deep clean would miss including wipe the inside of every drawer, wipe down the tops of cabinets, wipe cabinet doors, clean behind radiators, vacuum gaps in floor boards and (3) hired someone to clean out all of the vents and air ducts. I think it would be lovely if you husband did all of these things but I certainly wouldn’t expect my husband to do it since I understand its my personal preference.
anonshmanon
Is he otherwise germaphobic? Independently of the impact of this shenanigans on you, the premise is ridiculous?!
Anonymous
It’s not about germs. It’s about grime.
I Kid I Kid
Oh man just wait until he finds out about all the ghosts of the people who have died in your house!
Cat
Different perspective – until I’m actually moved into a house and have cleaned it myself, it always feels like “someone else’s house.” Even post-closing. Like, before we moved into our current house, we had a two month overlap. We’d go over on weekends and clean, paint, hang shelves, etc. but at the end of the day I always felt icky and like I just wanted to go “home” to my own shower.
Disappeared the minute we actually moved in.
Anonymous
I kind of get that and what I’ve done in the past is if I know we’ll be spending time in the house but not moving in, I’ve paid to have it deep cleaned once immediately after closing. Then we do what we want to do regarding hanging shelves etc. and then before actual move in before our furniture arrives, I’ll pay for it to be cleaned again though that time just a regular cleaning. We have kids who get into everything so deep cleaning before we start spending time at the house makes sense in my head because then I feel more ok with people using the bathrooms, kids picking up that cookie off the ground and eating it before I can stop them etc. because it’s just “us” that’s been at the house after it was deep cleaned so no different than when they eat the cookie of the ground at our apartment.
Anonymous
There’s something to that. Cleaning it yourself can be transformative.
Also: If me or my siblings or cousins every moved anywhere my mom would show up on moving day and instal a new toilet seat for every toilet. (I installed all new toilets in Our latest place but don’t think she didn’t check.) So maybe call my mom?
Mary
“The house is gross because you keep sh*t t i n g on it, honey “
Also hire the company for the deep clean. Moving is so damn stressful. Good luck!
Anon
Mary wins the internet today.
Vicky Austin
HA! I’d say this. In the most syrupy sweet voice you can muster.
Anon
Ha! Love this!
anon
Your husband is being a spoiled brat. Living in a pre-owned house is not an unusual thing, as you know.
Anon
He must be related to my princess of an ex-BF who wouldn’t eat leftovers.
Shelle
I see we dated the same guy.
Betsy
The pile on above has covered it and then some, so I won’t join in, but I do have a useful tip to offer. Getting the house deep cleaned before moving in is a great idea, and if you can get them to use the same cleaners you typically use, or at least the same scents, that will help make it feel like your home. When we moved into our first house I had bought a second set of cleaning supplies and got different scents from normal and I regretted it! Moving into your first house is way more emotional than moving apartments and having the cleaning supplies in different scents than normal made it feel like it wasn’t my home.
SC
That’s a smart idea. When our home was on the market, the real estate agent used a plug-in scent that made the entire house smell a certain way. It wasn’t good or bad, but the house didn’t feel like “mine” until that scent cleared.
We also hired a cleaner to deep-clean, had all the AC units serviced and switched out filters, and changed the toilet seats. I’m not sure we needed to do all that to make the house “ours,” but it seemed like it needed to be done.
Anon
I had no idea how emotional it would be to move into a first house. Aside from the hassle of moving, I was always excited to live in a new apartment. It felt like traveling, and I was always feeling pretty done with the previous apartment by the time I moved. And I love staying in people’s guest rooms AirBnBs when traveling, etc., so I thought I was adventurous and easy.
I was totally blindsided by how much I felt like I was squatting in some stranger’s home when we finally bought. So while I think husband’s statements are ridiculous, maybe he’s badly rationalizing some irrational feelings. And a deep cleaning and familiar scents sound like a great plan to me.
Anon
My Friday Thoughts on this:
– Today I Learned that people can be like this about “used houses.” I can understand being squicked out about, say, used underwear, but as others have said – my grandfather built houses and I am sure if OP’s husband knew what went on at construction sites as they are building homes he would be horrified. I have never moved into a house that wasn’t deep cleaned (and usually painted) first, and so maybe I just don’t get what’s going on in this particular circumstance. But almost everyone in my life who has bought a house has bought a “used house” and I just have never encountered this mindset before.
– I have been reading here a long time and I honestly and truly feel this is one of the weirdest relationship-conflict posts I’ve ever read. Maybe not top 5, but definitely top 10.
– I feel for y’all who are still out there dating if OP’s husband is representative of the type of men you have to choose from when finding a partner. If I was dealing with this behavior, I would strongly consider solving the problem with a divorce, and I am not one of the folks who’s usually like “dump him” immediately in response to questions. This isn’t a man, this is a child in a grown-up body and I don’t know how this is going to work out for the OP, long-term. Do adult men honestly just not have the ability to suck it up and deal with things any more? Wow. Good luck OP.
Anonymous
So, to a degree, I understand where the husband is coming from. Houses in my neighborhood are old (like close to 100 years old). I think sometimes people just get overwhelmed and aren’t able to keep them clean to the standards that I would like (life is hard and gets in the way of all that cleaning). Many of these older homes have plaster walls/ceilings which is hard to repair, and many have layers upon layers of caked on paint on doors and trim. Lots of dust from the ductwork in these older homes. Perhaps original hardwood floors? My point is, there is a lot that I would want done before moving in–including potentially skim coating the ceiling or the walls. I am coming from a condo that is in an older building, but which I have carefully updated over the years. I am looking for a home now, and every time I come back to my condo after a showing, I think to myself how very clean my current home is. My point is…perhaps he needs some adjustment time. I think beyond the deep cleaning, painting, repairing walls/ceilings, cleaning the ductwork, refinishing the floors and replacing any carpet would be a good idea. I fully plan on doing all of those things before I move into a new home. It’s not ok that he is raining on your parade, but I do get where he is coming from.
Anon
I don’t like dust, filth, grime, or bad paint jobs, but I can handle original hardwood floors and some settling. The air quality in truly old homes can also be great; they were built to have good ventilation back when people believed good air was the foundation of health (maybe they were onto something there).
Anonymous
While I think the used house thing is weird I don’t think this is overall that weird, as I definitely know couples where one’s housing expectations are way different than the other’s and as people above has said, it’s in large part because they’re from a part of the country where you still get a ton for your money when it comes to property.
As for men not being able to deal with things anymore – yes. Of course there are exceptions but the current 30s would be laughed out of the room by my grandfather and his tough as nails buddies just because the things they “worry” about these days are not things men would even have batted an eye at decades ago – things like dirt for example.
Anon
I think that’s people… dirt, sweat (except at a gym and showered away immediately), wearing clothes 2 days in a row, cooking smells, mowing your own yard… all of these things are gauche among many people i know.
Anonymous
Historically though I just think then men did not care about being around dirt, getting sweaty, mowing the lawn etc. I knew rich white collar men who hired out services yet had no problem sometimes rolling up their sleeves and fixing the mower or painting or whatever was required. They could get grease under their nails and expected to do it, not dump it in their wives’ laps to handle the problem. Guys now esp in metro areas are quick to run for the hand sanitizer and freak out all the time even pre pandemic.
Anonymous
Yes this is what the dating pool is like. The bar is so low it’s in hell. Millennial and Gen X men have been coddled to the point of being totally useless by moms who had no model for how to balance working FT plus having kids and dads who felt entitled to do nothing at all at home because they were the “breadwinner” (because their wives who worked 40+ hour weeks at similar jobs were paid 70% of their male coworkers’ pay) and so they learned to expect that they didn’t have to be the sole earner taking care of the family – and feel the responsibility that comes along with it – but also don’t have to participate in domestic life at all – or deal with the responsibility that comes with that. So 100% of all work and life tasks has shifted to women and we are much better off marrying with a prenup, getting a kid or three out of a man, and divorcing him hopefully without having to pay him alimony and getting him to pay some child support because lord knows he won’t be taking 50% of the actual time with kids in that 50/50 custody arrangement. What are men for again?
Anonymous
you all have low standards and let them do this.
Anon
+1
The “this generation sucks” argument is bs. Literally Plato said the same things. Some dudes are good. Some dudes are bad. Don’t date the bad ones.
Anon
I’ve chosen to not get married rather than settle for a guy like this and plenty of people think I’m wrong for that, too. Women can’t win, but I’m good with my choices.
anon
Yep. I live in an absolutely atrocious area to date as a mid-40s woman, but I still don’t put up with bullshit like this. My current bf is a fully functioning adult who manages his household (kids included) and if he complained about a used house I would laugh. Now, he wasn’t born in the US and grew up in part on a pig farm (not US), so I suspect that has something to do with it!
Seventh Sister
I’m a GenXer married to a GenXer, and I grew up expecting to marry an equal domestic partner and plenty of men my age were expecting someone like their own moms, who did half the breadwinning and 99% of the housework. My mother thinks I’ve turned to sorcery because my husband does all the cooking. Nope, I just never cook anything because even though I eat plenty of things I wouldn’t necessarily make (how many ears of corn is a human expected to eat in a year?), our domestic burden will not be in any way equitable unless he does the cooking. And for Pete’s sake, guys do not need a medal for picking up a kids’ prescription or filling out summer camp forms.
Anon
It’s also shocking how – even when you have a partner who cooks, cleans, participated in child care and generally is a functional adult… it’s so easy to slip into patterns where the woman is expected to be the domestic one.
Even the fact that people assume my husband massively out earns me… it’s actually shifting closer to 50/50 in recent years, but I’m still expected to be the one who supports his career… it’s a constant battle to stay on top of it.
Trish
1. I lived in trailer parks and apartments growing up. I am truly offended by the idea that a newly renovated home is “gross.”
2. My husband and son both fix things with their hands and they are both engineers.
Anonymous
Your husband sounds like a brat. Also does he know nothing about construction? New homes are unsanitary and built to absolutely awful quality standards. There are several builders/developers in my family and when I was house hunting I absolutely refused to buy a new build, I’ve visited enough construction sites to never want something ‘new’.
Anon
I think regulations are better about VOCs now, but I wanted an old house partly because I wanted a house that was finished off gassing. Indoor pollution was terrible for a while there (from poor quality materials). And regulations don’t always get followed either.
Anonymous
Try to see his POV. Let him clean it however he sees fit. Does it have wall to wall carpet? That’s gross. Rip it out. Get the bathrooms and kitchen deep cleaned. You sound like a tyrant.
Anonymous
Pretty sure OP has asked if he wants new carpet put in and he says no and she suggested the deep cleaning. Let me guess you assume she’s a tyrant because SHE isn’t taking care of this and you presume it’s the wife’s job to handle it as her man desires?
Anon
So I do not understand the used house issue at all because I live in a 100+ year old home and adore architecture and the character that comes with that. That said, my advice on moving to any home is do the things to make it nice before you move in – a fresh coat of paint in the entire place and gloss the floors if they’re hardwood (much cheaper than refinishing and a very similar result). Don’t even worry about paint color – go with a classic white (simply by BM for a very bright clean white, Navajo for a warm white) and opt into color later. Fresh paint will do wonders for a new feeling, so will floors. Yes, it’s a little money but the whole thing is expensive. I’m not going to call your H a brat – we all have opinions on homes, I don’t understand his, but whatever. There is a pretty easy solution here though.
Anon
late post but thought a different perspective
I grew up in a custom new build built by my dad just for our family. i thought used houses were gross.
i bought an 1894 house that someone likely passed in and hasd been rented for 40 years and barely cleaned by those renters.
i was house poor and scrubbed all 3k sq ft by hand. still feels weird sometimes after 22 years but I didn’t do an apartment phase so there’s that.
Seventh Sister
I would be so, so tempted to ask him if he had a working immune system. Seriously, germs do not live on surfaces for decades, a little dirt is good for you, etc. Did anyone else’s grandmother say, “you’ll eat a peck of dirt before you die”? It might be a Southern thing, I dunno.
For the first decade or so of living in our house, my in-laws and parents would.not.shut.up about the age, size, and general decrepitude of our house. It’s a 1950s tract house that is perfectly livable and has a newish kitchen. I finally exploded at my in-laws (sorry not sorry) and said to my mom, “I’m sorry it bothers you so much that I don’t live in a house that is up to your standards, but I just don’t have the money to spend fixing it up right now.” They have mostly shut up now that the place has basically doubled in value. We could afford a new build – in the desert 2 hours from our jobs.
Burning Questions
I would tell him that he can spend as long as he wants scrubbing the home until it’s no longer “gross”. Is he like that with everything else? What did he do in the unit you two are presumably renting now? How about in college when he had to live in a dorm and sleep on a used mattress? Hotels? Visiting a friend’s home? I have so many questions. This is such a bizarre thing to be spoiled on
Anonymous
I thought my dorm rooms were gross and always deep-cleaned them at move-in. I think hotels are gross, and Airbnbs are grosser. And I definitely deep-clean any home, including cleaning and re-lining cabinets and drawers, before moving in.
Anon
Does anyone know if Season 4 is the final season of Ozark or if there is a new one on order? Not sure how things are going within Netflix and what will live on and what is cancelled.
Senior Attorney
Ozark is finished.
JTM
Ozark was slated to be done way before this latest issue with Netflix.
Anon
What is the latest issue with Netflix?
Anon
Stock isn’t doing well and budget cuts, so they’re canceling some planned shows.
Anon 2.0
Yes, the last “set” of episodes that were released within the last week or two are the last of the series.
Anon
Heads-up for anyone who has not watched the second half of the second season: temper your expectations, especially in regard to the finale.
Anonymous
Is Senior Manager in the Big 4 (Deloitte) an up and out position where you have to get to the next level in x years or is it the type of position where you can stay as long as you can successfully do the work? This is the healthcare consulting practice in NYC; I have healthcare experience at smaller consulting shops but can’t be considered a subject matter expert like a higher up who was running a health system or insurer or anything.
I’ve heard mixed things. Some say oh in healthcare it’s fine to be just a Senior Manager forever because there is a ton of work that just needs to be done. I’ve heard others say you better have a plan for how to get to at least Director because they’re fine with you hanging out and just doing work until they’re not — as in the work dries up or other Senior Managers are hired and deemed more ambitious etc. Any experience with this?
Another Anon
Hello! Client-facing SM is up or out, but you can stay there for a good while (5-7 years, maybe more). It’s less of an issue that the work dries up – as a Sr Mgr you’re definitely expected to help with BD to bring in more work. The larger issue I think is that you would eventually hit the top of the pay band if you stay in level too long. You could ask about the Specialist Leader role which is an equivalent level but different talent model and has less up or out pressure, but that is typically more of a SME.
anonchicago
It is up or out. How long you stay as an SM before they push you out depends in large part on the economy; that is, if you stay busy and have projects come to you, you’ll be fine, but the second the firm hits the skids the highly paid SMs not on the hidden partner list are the first to go.
As an aside from someone who left Big 4 strategy consulting right as I hit SM, think hard if you want this life. Every partner, every SM at every firm says it is the worst level at any Big 4. You have to manage up, down, and across, sell, staff your own projects, deal with clients yelling at you and fix the problem, and many times do this with zero partner support because you’re supposed to prove yourself. I took a pay cut to get out, and unless my DH were disabled or for another reason couldn’t work again, I wouldn’t go back.
Anonymous
Fully agree. The only reason the work of a SM is worth it is the partnership carrot at the end.
NYNY
Up or out, but if you want to do it for a while and then move to the industry side, it’s great experience and gets you entry to the top hospitals.
Anon
Has anyone selectively gone gray? I have been coloring my hair at home since the start of the pandemic (I use Madison Reed) whereas before I got highlights to camouflage the what used to be occasional gray strand.
Now that it’s time to color again I can see from my roots that I’m grayer than I used to be, but one spot on the other side of my usual part (I’m a left side parter, suck it Gen z, so on the right side if I parted there) is all grey roots. It’s about the diameter of a dime.
What I think I’m seeing is a cool gray streak. I wonder if there’s a way to grow just this part out/ spare it from the dye, but not let my entire head of salt and pepper 10% gray grow out.
Among other things, I’m a regular public speaker and I cannot imagine dealing with a gradual root grow out over several years while waiting for the dyed ends to be cut off. I have a longish bob and don’t plan to go shorter.
Monday
Wouldn’t you be dealing with root grow-out either way? If you start letting the streak grow naturally, it will look like a gray spot or square for a while, right?
Anon
Yes but it’s under the rest of my hair because it’s on the opposite side of my part. It may peek through but it won’t be right on top of my head.
Monday
Ok. If you want to continue coloring everywhere except a streak that is under lots of other hair, I’d recommend using a stylist rather than DIY. Otherwise it will be too easy to mess up and get dye in places you don’t want it.
Anon
Response in m0d – it’s under a lot of hair and mostly won’t show.
Anon
Maybe a weird thought, but if you want to grow out your gray, can you wear a good wig for public speaking until the grow out is complete? Sounds like you don’t want to grow out your gray though.
NYNY
When I managed a hair salon, the stylists would exclude hair from coloring by first saturating the piece they wanted to spare with Wella Kolersterol conditioner and then wrapping it in foil. Worth a shot, since it sounds like the area is fairly hidden.
Anon
Thank you! I will give this a shot at home!!! I still have one more batch of Madison Reed, then I may start going back to a salon for color. (Hopefully when Omicron dies down.)
Anonymous
If you want to dye everything else and spare the grey streak – absolutely go to a salon.
If you think you might want to go all grey, you might be a good candidate for the “dye strip method”, which can look cool on darker hair going salt and pepper.
You could also go to a colourist and get a professional grey blending with your roots. Could be something like bleaching the non-grey, and then toning with lowlights towards the top to match the roots, and slightly lighter tips.
Anonymous
This may be unpopular to say, but work with a professional. There are so many “going gray” hair approaches I’ve seen where it just looks sloppy and more like forgotten maintenance: gray that’s yellowed, sections that look abrupt from sudden stop of permanent color, weird texture change that’s too abrupt, etc. There are just so many ways to get this wrong. People will cheer everyone on for going gray, but I think it has more to do with wanting to empower comfort with aging than looking good. The reality? Gray can be great, but a TON of folks get it wrong, especially during the transition. Poor execution results in a look that is unkempt.
Anon
The “dye strip technique” is something I learned about on the Gray and Proud Facebook group. It’s a way to let the silver/gray hair grow out while you color your hair in such a way that the demarcation line of the roots growing out doesn’t show.
Link to follow, or search for that term.
Anon
https://katiegoesplatinum.com/dye-strip-technique-going-gray-in-secret/
Texan
If you lived in Texas, where would you direct your donations? Beto for governor? Fund Texas Choice? PP? Lilith Fund? I’m ready to give generously where it’ll have the biggest bang. Looking for personal recommendations – I’m in.
pugsnbourbon
Texas Equal Access is another abortion fund to check out.
Anon
Give to Gov and Lt. Gov races (obv Dem candidates only) along with organizations. Also live in TX and give to Beto and Mike Collier, tho Michelle Beckley (Collier’s primary opponent) is compelling. Political donations are part of the web of coverage that needs to funding in order to make change in TX.
anon
If I lived in and knew Texas, I’d focus on political giving to put people who share my views, or at least aren’t so terrible, in power. That would probably mean the race for governor and state legislator races that are close.
Another Texan
Hi fellow Texan! I’m donating to PP and Fund Texas Choice. I wish the political efforts that anon mentioned in this thread felt worth it. I worked in TX politics early in my career, and after seeing the reality of what we’re up against, I’m just discouraged. I try to focus on helping women cope with our reality. The political fight will be long and arduous, and women need help today.
Amy
Having a Democratic governor would help Texans more than anything. They could direct non-enforcement of abortion laws, refuse to sign new craziness, etc. I’m not sure if you’re close to that or not, but driving turnout in blue cities through voter registration and turnout would be helpful.
Anonymous
Really helpful responses from people yesterday to the OP that asked for reno cost estimates. Can I ask 2 more:
-House painting – how do painters charge? Is it buy the sqft or hourly or something else? Assume you need an actual house painting company because of high ceilings above the stairwells, so they need to have equipment that most handymen don’t. House is 2000 sqft in Maryland.
-Also handymen – is there an estimate of the going hourly rate? I would want someone who had some skills/was in some demand, rather than a true hobbyist.
Finally is there a general “order” in which you do home renovation? Say you want new kitchen appliances and counters, new lighting fixtures, and painting. Am I right to assume you have the house painted last because they’ll have to repair the holes made by the lighting fixtures and also if you have the house painted first you run the risk that the stove scratches a freshly painted wall when being delivered?
Anonymous
With painters, I usually get charged a fixed price for the actual painting plus an additional hourly rate for carpentry if needed.
Anonymous
Painters, in my experience, will give you a quote after looking at the space. If you care, it pays to discuss who is buying the paint. If you care that it’s low VOC or a particular brand, I’d insist on buying it. That farrow and ball is PRICY for paint.
aBr
Depends on what you are doing and what the new appliances are. Let’s assume its a fridge and easily swapped out over range microwave – doesn’t really matter when it happens. If we start talking about a built in range, you need to consider how that works with the countertops and probably do both at the same time. Painting – everything can be touched up. General order is do before you move in when there is no stuff in the way. Otherwise, you would paint at the end of a reno and the order of painting v. countertops very much just depends on when things are available. I’d also push back on the handyman concept – with what you are talking about, if you need to move a light fixture you need an electrician. If it is just a matter of swapping one out, you can do it yourself. I promise.
Cat
Painters will come out and give you a price after they size up the job. It’s a combination of sqft and also how complicated the room is (like – is it a kitchen or bathroom with lots of odd shapes? Tons of doors or windows? Super high ceilings that require a bigger ladder?). The biggest driver is, bottom line, time to do the job, which in some cases is proportionate to square feet but sometimes not.
The cost of paint is something you should iron out ahead of time. If you just specify the color and finish, they will buy whatever “base” brand they want. If you want a pricier brand, then specify or buy the paint yourself.
As far as which order to go in- yes, painting comes last or close-to-last. You’ll need to pick out appliances as part of your design so you know how to buy cabinets for around them.
General order is… there can be some overlap depending on subs’ schedules but you work your way towards the nice finished surfaces…
– demo
– framing of new construction
– specialist rough-ins like electric, plumbing, HVAC
– drywall
– tile or flooring along with baseboards
– specialists come and finish up (install outlets, lights, faucets, etc), this overlaps with cabinetry and appliances usually finish up getting installed around this time
– painting and finish work like installing shoe molding if hardwoods, switchplates, etc
Anon
You’re talking about 30-50k in work, paint last.
Anon
I’m including your appliances in this.
Anon
Someone posted this link this morning and I’m re-posting it here to amplify it. I find it fascinating
https://prochoiceactionnetwork-canada.org/articles/anti-tales.shtml
Anonymous
Is asking to get a coffee with someone but then specifying outdoor still a thing or will people completely roll their eyes? In DC. Networking coffee so it isn’t a friend. I would of course do the leg work and find the place w/ a patio but I think people on this board have said before that you should mention it in advance so the person shows up in sunglasses if they want and isn’t roasting in a suit jacket in direct sun etc. It’s been a cold spring here in DC so far so I’m thinking weather wise we may be ok for outdoor events for all of May-June without feeling like you’re making someone sit out in 100 degree heat because you’re covid nervous.
Sunshine
I would want to know in advance so I could dress appropriately for outside (temperature and sun). I wouldn’t have any problem with someone preferring outdoor coffee assuming the weather is decent (doesn’t have to be perfect, but decent)
Anon
I always ask people to meet outside and no one has ever batted an eye about it. Most places invested in creating really nice outdoor spaces during the pandemic. Be a shame not to use them.
Anonymous
Assuming it’s not raining, even pre-COVID I preferred outdoor seating if it was available. I agree though that giving a head’s up that it’s your preference is helpful.
PolyD
Just had dinner with colleagues Wednesday and it was assumed we’d be outside. In my crowd it’s not weird to ask to be outside, and it’s also not weird to turn down an invite if you don’t feel like going inside. Likewise, it’s not weird to invite people to do something. Inside and expect that some will and some won’t.
Anon
“Hi, could we meet for coffee? How about the Peet’s at 17th and Penn? They have a nice patio.”
Anon
Please be explicit about wanting sitting outside. I don’t mind doing it, but I want to be prepared in my clothing choices. If you said this but it were too hot/too cold/too stormy, I’d assume I’d be sitting inside.
Cat
I wouldn’t roll my eyes. Until I don’t have travel plans that will be messed up by a positive test, I’m staying cautious.
Anon
Won’t travel plans always be messed up by a positive test? Even if countries lift their testing mandates, you’d test if sick and wouldn’t travel knowing you had Covid, right?
Cat
Well yes, but I’ve known several completely asymptomatic vax + boosted people who got an unpleasant surprise at their pre-travel test. I don’t want to be one of them.
Anon
Wow, that’s surprising to me. I’ve had many friends and family members whose travel plans were ruined by Covid, including two this week alone, but they were all pretty sick. Not like, hospitalized sick, but sick enough to know something was up and take a test, so more than just a stuffy nose. I don’t think I know anyone who’s had Covid and never had any symptoms at all. I think I’ll probably always feel the need to be cautious in the week before a trip, especially an important one that would be hard to reschedule because the risk of getting Covid will always be there. Which kind of sucks, because I travel a lot.
Anonymous
That’s literally what being asymptomatic as. I don’t get why this would be a surprise. I also don’t think it’s ever going to be like getting a cold. Too many folks with only mild illness are suddenly showing blood clotting and nerve damage issues a year or more.Read some of the stats on long Covid Axios just shared. A cold doesn’t have the same down the line punch. https://www.axios.com/newsletters/axios-deep-dives-d7ef06b1-322d-46a1-9de8-7c9fb5c74cc0.html?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_axiosdeepdives&stream=top
Anon
Um no, I’d travel with a mask on eventually. This will become the flu/cold/common. Perhaps not yet.
Anon
I mean, that could happen, or it could get suddenly more severe as already happened with the Delta strain, or severity could remain unchanged. With extensive presymptomatic transmission, there’s not much pressure on this to become milder in order to spread more easily, which is usually the reason a pathogen ends up becoming less severe. I think the prediction that this will become NBD is just wishful thinking though it would be nice if we got lucky!
It’s a bit concerning already that when a healthy person has a mild case, that doesn’t mean the same will be true on the second or third reinfection.
Anon
If it’s going to become less severe by taking out all the people most susceptible to it over time (or preventing them from reproducing over generations), it may be a while before this happens (and the people wiped out of course won’t benefit in any way).
Anon
Yeah there’s no reason a virus would automatically mutate towards mild illness. There’s already some evidence the newest strains in South Africa are more like Delta in terms of severity. We could get a variant that is much milder than Omicron, but we could also get a new variant that is much more severe than anything we’ve seen before. It’s really just impossible to predict. Personally, I don’t think this will be a cold (in terms of death toll and hospitalization rates) for a long time, if ever.
Anon
I’m Covid cautious but would be 100% fine sitting outdoors. But I would want to know in advance.
Amy
100% be explicit up front. People dress differently to sit outside for an hour than they do for rushing from building to building. Out door seating can also been less comfortable than indoor seating. It can be more difficult to hear the other person, with more distractions. All these considerations may go into whether the person accepts your invite.
Sunshine
Is there such a thing as a thicker mostly-cotton no-show sock? All the no-show socks I’ve tried are a thin material that I hate. I like much thicker cotton-y socks, but I don’t need them to cover my ankle bone as all my allegedly low socks do. I have size 9.5-10 feet so tiny feet aren’t the problem.
Zella no-show
Check out Zella no show – I got mine at Nordstrom Rack. I think they might be just what you’re looking for!
Anon.
Bombas makes a no show sock.
Anon
If you’re not attached to cotton, I have a bunch of pairs of smart wool low ankle socks, which are cut under the ankle bone They have thicker and thinner ones, but the ones I wear most are nice and soft and thick. I wear them year round. They have them in all kinds of garish colors, but mine are mostly a pretty neutral blue, white or gray that work for most casual outfits.
anon
I have really liked the converse socks.
Anonymous
Muji has below the ankle bone low cotton socks.
Thorny Internal Transfer HR Issue
My workplace org is opening a position in my partner’s home country. I am very well-qualified, and have completed projects in said country on a remote basis. This is how I know that one of the “local” employees is very difficult to deal with. I have been called by Local Country HR re: complains that other women have made against him. I hold rank over this person and several times responded to various emails from him “your tone is not appropriate for addressing a colleague.” He backed down/apologized, probably because I outranked him at the time. Now we are equals, because he has been promoted.
I want this job. The news about Roe was the last straw for me in getting out of the States. But I know if I express interest that this individual will be asked about my candidacy and he will probably not support it because frankly I think he is a misogynistic jerk and he didn’t appreciate my correcting him.
I am not supposed to say anything about the confidential HR inquiries to anybody. But it feels like this should have some bearing on whatever Jerk might say about my candidacy. I have a good relationship with the hiring manager – would it be wrong to disclose to him that Jerk probably will not support and my suspected reasons supported by the HR inquiries and my own lived experience?
Yes, I know it will not be fun working with this person. But I would rather deal with one misogynist at work that live in the post-Roe States.
Anon
Tell the hiring manager you’ve had “conflict” with Jerkface in the past, and if she wants to know more about it she can go to HR.
OP
I did not make a complaint to HR. I would expect HR to confirm same to the hiring manager and to refrain from mentioning the official complaints of others.
Anon
Yes, you should definitely talk about it with the hiring manager.
Of Counsel
I will trust that OP knows what the laws are in the country she is thinking of moving to but if anyone is interested, the WP had an interesting article today about abortion access around the world:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/interactive/2021/us-abortion-laws-worldwide/?itid=hp-top-table-low
It did not always break down the way I expected!
Anon
Yeah – pre-Roe the US was only one of 7 or 8 counties that even permitted later term abortions. People who complain about the states really do not seem to know much about other countries’ abortion laws or healthcare systems (the UK just matched up with the US in terms of out of pocket healthcare spending and we have the NHS!)
Anonymous
I really like the way Gapminder presents facts (UN statistics), there are some really thought provoking differences. One of the most surprising was the seemingly inefficient results of US health spending per capita, with max on actual spending, but nowhere close to the top in terms of life span. UK have about 2/3 the spending per capita and longer life span, but this statistic didn’t have out of pocket numbers – would love to see the reference for the new UK numbers, very interesting!
Anon
Any recs for affordable sports bras that work for large busts?
Lady
Syrokan High Impact sports bras have been a game changer for me.
Anon
+1 to the syrokan varieties found on A maz on. I’ve been wearing them for years.
anon
I’m a big fan of the Core ones listed as “Core 10 Women’s All Around Sports Bra-Strappy, Cross, T-Back” on Amazon – they’re not high-impact enough for running, but I wear them for everything else.
Anon
Maybe not the most affordable option, but as a runner with a size 34F chest, I wear exclusively SheFit ultimate sports bras. Try to catch it on sale – it’s really a whole new world.
Anonymous
Heads up that SheFit does not work for larger cupsizes than F if you have a small back. I’ve tried it and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It’s well constructed, but really not as size inclusive as they claim.
If you can afford it and is within size range, Shock Absorber has the best sport bras for running and high impact, IMO. They have super tight bands, so expect to go at least one bandsize up, maybe two, so best if you can try on in person.
Tube tying
I think there are some women here who have been surgically sterilized. I’m considering getting my tubes removed and a uterine ablation. How was the recovery? For women who never had children, did any unexpected emotions pop up after?
Anon
Expected emotion: relief
Unexpected emotion: absolute joy
Sadie
Me too! I had my tubes tied. Cauterized, really – 11 years ago so that option was still recommended then. I was so exuberant to have a medical procedure I’d wanted for two decades. I had very few side effects or difficult moments in my recovery, probably because I was so happy. I’ve never regretted it for one moment. Though later on, when I had two other cervical procedures, I was shocked at how different my recovery felt.
Anon
Also curious, and interested in how anyone made the decision between cauterizing tubes vs removing tubes.
PolyD
Ovarian cancer may actually start in the Fallopian tubes, so that’s one consideration for removal.
Tube tying
My gyn told me that he advises removing the tubes because it prevents ectopic pregnancy (tiny risk of that with cauterization or snipping) and because a lot of ovarian cancer actually originates in the Fallopian tubes, so removal also reduces the risk of cancer.
Anonymous
if you were vaccinated, you are already sterilized lol.
Tube tying
My phone also has 5 g so I guess I’m double sterilized!
Anon
Lol
Anon
Uhhh tell that to the dozen or more women I know who conceived after getting the Covid vaccine.
Anon
I hope the comment above was a joke, but if it wasn’t, I have to laugh. If the vaccines had sterilized people, don’t you think there’d be a lot of conversation/information out there about that? It’s not like thousands of people would stay quiet about the fact that they couldn’t conceive. I also know several people who are pregnant now after vaccination and a woman who was pregnant with triplets who got vaccinated while she was pregnant. The triplets are fine and she’s fine. I know the anti-vaxxers are desperately clinging to any shred of evidence that they might have been “right” about the vaccines being harmful. Poor little things. My heart bleeds for them.
Tube Free
I had my Fallopian tubes removed a few years ago. I could have had them tied or little clips attached, but my surgeon said there was some research indicating that removing the tubes could reduce the risk of ovarian cancer. The procedure was done at a surgical center rather than a hospital. General anesthesia. I went in first thing in the morning, they did some work through the belly button and some through tiny incisions above my ovaries (more or less), and I was home by the early afternoon at the latest. Slept most of the day, was sore for a few days and had some vaginal bleeding.
I’ve been married almost 20 years and never had children. I never really wanted them, and neither did my husband. The emotion that popped up after the procedure was relief. I was free of hormonal birth control, free of barrier methods, and as free as I could get from an unwanted pregnancy. My husband got a ton of flack from commenters here when I posted about the procedure because he didn’t get a vasectomy, but I am glad, glad, glad that I am the person who was sterilized. I have never regretted it. My surgeon did point out that because I still have my uterus, I could still get pregnant through IVF, but no thanks!!!
I’ve never had a uterine ablation so I can’t help there.
Anon
I’m glad it worked out well for you but any man that would want his wife to risk her life under general anesthesia because he doesn’t want to deal with the minor pain associated with an outpatient procedure is a schmuck of the highest order.
Tube tying
I didn’t see in the comment where he refused to have a vasectomy? Perhaps the poster wanted to have the procedure herself. That’s what bodily autonomy is about to me.
Either way— thank you for sharing your experience! I know I don’t want children, but the constant messaging our whole lives that we might change our minds at any time is making me wonder if I’d change my mind. I’ll be 40 this year, so it seems pretty unlikely.
Tube Free
Re: changing your mind.
I have friends with truly lovely children, and I see how happy they are with them. And sometimes I think, “that looks amazing.” And I know at least one of my best friends is sorry that I will never experience the joy of motherhood. But I didn’t want children, I never wanted them, and while I think I’d have been a decent mother and know I’m missing out on an experience and certain kinds of joy, I’m happy with my choice. There’s no guarantee that you get the loving daughters my friends have. Parenting is a big investment. Our society is not good to mothers. Bottom line: I’m 48 and have zero regrets.
Side note: I’d used almost every form of BC possible with my husband. Regular pill, progestin-only pill, IUD, diaphragm, and condoms. I also tried Norplant while in college. I’m so happy to be free of that.
Anon
You’re making a logical leap with no evidence. She didn’t say her husband “wouldn’t” get a vasectomy. In my case, I have a history of endometriosis and also endometrial hyperplasia. It would make way more sense for me to be the one to get surgery as either a tubal removal or a partial hysterectomy would likely solve a lot of other problems. My husband has no problem whatsoever getting a vasectomy and I’ve told him to go for it if he wants to do it. But sooner rather than later, I’ll probably be getting my uterus and tubes out anyway, given my own health history and a strong family history of big, troublesome uterine fibroids. So he can save himself the trouble if he wants.
Anon
I remember the original thread.
Anon
You are projecting! Nowhere did the poster say that she preferred him to have a vasectomy or that he refused to get one.
I know a number of women who have had various procedures (from full hysterectomy to removing ovaries and/or fallopian tubes) for a wide variety of reasons and OP’s procedure is the best guard against ovarian cancer.
Her body; her choice.
No more painful menstruation
In my early 40s, I had my ovaries and Fallopian tubes surgically removed as part of cancer treatment. The surgeon reported that I also had uterine cells growing outside of it on other organs.
After suffering through years of debilitating menstrual periods and complaining to numerous ob/gyn doctors, breast cancer treatment brought relief through medical menopause, first via Lupron injections and later through surgical sterilization.
If you are suffering with perimenopause issues,endometriosis, adenomyosis: you will feel so much better after this surgery, when you go into menopause.
As far as any feelings about the permanency of closing the door on biological children, yes, I sometimes feel sad. The timing was not right for me to have children earlier. I got a serious life threatening cancer diagnosis soon after marrying. We hope to adopt an older child, once we get clear of cancer treatment.
My context may be radically different from yours.
All that said, while menopause has its challenges, my life is so much better without what had evolved into two weeks of menstrual symptoms. Good luck!
Minor surgery with big impact on quality of life
Robotic surgery to remove both ovaries and Fallopian tubes. Recovery was worse than arthroscopic knee surgery. Recovery was much easier than open surgery.
You should be request guidance for what to eat, drink and do before surgery to avoid constipation and minimize bloat.
No laptops, cats, books on your lap for at least 4 weeks. Some vaginal bleeding. No penetrative sex and no objects in the vagina for 6-8 weeks. Hot flashes were intense for the first months but have faded.
Was able to immediately return to working from home on a laptop. Would have taken more time off if I had to go in person to work.
Very happy that I had the surgery. No regrets.
Anonymous
Hive, I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m hoping you can help. It’s motivation related, maybe? Or decision making?
I’m early 30s, boyfriend, no kids. Job title is different but basically am a junior partner at an accounting firm. I was slammed with work in 2020, including picking up the practice of two deceased partners. I was busy in 2021 but essentially tried to focus on achieving some balance – work out a couple times a week, safely see family or non work friends every quarter. This year, especially the last couple months, I have low motivation. I’m sleeping hours and hours. I want to leave my job but the idea of a job search makes me … tired. I want to stay at my job because I’m established and am “fine” but I am no longer excited about or enjoy what I do. I don’t have any history of mental health conditions but I did book an appt with my PCP next week to check whatever she will check. I know a lot of people have posted about “blah” and low motivation. I am getting outside for walks, trying to eat better, trying to “balance” work and life. But everything is just …. Ugh. Has anyone figured this out???
Anon
You’re burnt out.
Op
I don’t know how to shake it. Time off??
Anonymous
I think genuine burnout is something that you recover from physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s not something you can just shake off. It’s probably going to take a combination of things, over time, before you feel back to your old self.
Anonymous
And to clarify – I don’t even think I want time off. Like what would I do… clean my house. Stress about work. I read the burnout book recommended here during the pandemic, maybe I need to re visit that.
Anon
Yup, you’re burned out and I’m right there with you.
Anonymous
Any time I’ve felt exhausted at the idea of looking for a job, that for me is just burn out/fatigue and job search is just another thing on that plate. I’ll be honest though I have no idea how one relieves burn out. In my case it went on for years, even after I switched into a new easier/more balanced job because I never “cured” the burn out from my first job.
Anon
Read the book “Burnout” by Nagoski, and make sure you get a full blood panel, including thyroid, B vites and D vites. Turns out that my fatigue the past few years was burnout coupled with severe D deficiency and super-low thyroid. And meanwhile, I was like, “Do better/snap out of it/you’re not as depressed as you think!”
Anon
How dirty or clean or stained do you expect clothes you buy off Poshmark to be? I just received a light colored suiting dress and there are several stains down the front of it (blood? Chocolate? I can’t tell). The seller didn’t mention them and they didn’t show up in the photos. I don’t know if they’ll come out if I send the dress to the cleaner. Should I dispute it or just give the seller low stars? I love the dress and a blazer would cover the worst stain on the chest.
I ask because this is the second dress I’ve received in a week that’s been stained without mention, so maybe my standards are wrong?
Anon
I wouldn’t “accept” it yet if you haven’t, and I’d message the seller asking if you can return it. I would not keep a light-colored dress with deep-colored stains.
If I don’t see stains in the picture AND I don’t read about stains or flaws in the description, I do not expect to receive a stained and/or flawed garment. If I get one, I get the seller to accept a return or I get my money back via arbitration (through Poshmark, eBay, or Paypal, whoever cooperates).
I understand these folks are just individuals trying to make sales but I also feel accurate representation of merchandise is important. I don’t buy used clothing expect it to be in perfect condition but visible stains on a light-colored garment is a hard “no” for me.
Anonymous
Dispute it and don’t even consider wearing it stained.
Anonymous
Dispute! Noticeable stains need to be disclosed!
Anonymous
I would not expect any stains. I don’t even donate stained items to charity, much less try to sell them to someone, even less try to sell them to someone without disclosing the stains.
Anon
Dispute. It’s not ok to sell a stained item without pointing out the stain.
Curious
Dispute. I’ve disputed based on something presented as “new” being noticeably smaller than other garments from the same seller in the same size (I assume it shrank in the wash). This is worse.
joan wilder
I expect it might be stained but it shouldn’t be which is wjy I don’t order anything from Poshmark anymore that is not NWT. My first item (purse) had undisclosed damage. My second item (blazer) smelled like cat urine, also not disclosed. Both were from active sellers who had transaction history.
Monday
Even NWT items need to be examined carefully! Sometimes people just kept the tags, but the item has clearly been worn. Items can also be damaged without having been worn, with the tags still on!
I dispute anything I get that isn’t exactly as described/shown. I have never had a return request denied. Occasionally I will mend things, but I never try with stains because once I’ve tried to get it out, the item is no longer in the condition it was when I received it, so my return could be denied.
anon
I expect the item to be as described and pictured. In this case l, that would be stain free. Return or dispute.
Anon
Not normal!! Unless it’s clearly visible in the pictures or described, it should be clean and in good condition with no stains. I’ve bought a lot off posh recently and have not had this issue.
emeralds
Does anyone have a favorite recipe for baked mac and cheese?
Senior Attorney
I like Martha Stewart’s recipe. I omit the breadcrumbs on top. If you want to go crazy, stir some blue cheese crumbles in before baking.
https://smittenkitchen.com/2008/05/marthas-macaroni-and-cheese/
Senior Attorney
Oh, and use the biggest elbow macaroni you can find. The bigger, the better.
Anon
https://blog.jennysteffens.com/best-mac-and-cheese-recipe-baked
I love this one.
Senior Attorney
Okay, I did the thing. Called the assisted living place, called the movers, called my son, called the lady who does my dad’s laundry and so on: The move to his new room is next Tuesday.
Argh. Elder care is hard.
Anon
It is so hard. I’m sorry you’re in the thick of it, and I hope you are at peace with the decisions and actions. Take good care of yourself too.
BeenThatGuy
It’s so hard. You’re not alone.
Anon
Preach. Good luck.
Anon
Thinking of you. Congrats on getting to this point.
And hugs. This is tough.
Aunt Jamesina
<3 Best of luck, SA!
Anon
congrats. elder care is hard, you’re doing a good job!
Ekaterin Nile
It is hard. You’re doing the right thing, and we support you.
Anon
I saw on Twitter that it’s “World Naked Gardening Day.” I was so confused for a minute (“Aren’t you always naked while ‘gardening’?”) until I realized they were talking about doing actual yardwork while naked. That sounds….messy. Anyway, had to share here!
Horse Crazy
Hahaha
Liz
I’m in tears. I am a school principal. I just had my evaluation and it was fine. The area of concern is similar to other places of employment- teachers resigning, staff not feeling appreciated, unfilled positions and that creates stress for teachers- and it’s because me/not ensuring that staff feel appreciated and high turn over the last two years. Any ideas for helping to ensure staff feel appreciated and ideas for reducing staff turn over? I should just find another career.
Anonymous
Not a principal but a manager and I feel the same way. I’ve had multiple people leave recently and these are all people I strongly recruited, advocated for requested salaries (and then made equity adjustments to existing staff), encouraged hybrid WFH as allowed, encouraged them with projects to lead to professional satisfaction and development etc etc. I get that everyone gets to decide where they work and why but I’m just exhausted. I really don’t think there is anything you can do to reduce staff turn over at this point in time. I’m not going to dial back my support of my staff-they keep the clocks ticking-but at some point I have to realize this is about them, not me. Hugs.
Liz
Thank you- I appreciated reading your post.
Eliza
Education is in such a bad place right now. As you pointed out, resignations and unfilled positions are issues everywhere, but I think they’re worse in public education, which has been in a spiral for awhile now. Add on the pandemic and the current political climate, and staff in our state are dropping like flies. It’s not you. It’s the low pay, the lack of respect, being political pawns…I could go on.
Hugs to you. Though not a teacher, I’m a 25 year employee of a public school system and I cannot wait to get out. It’s not you, I promise.
Anonymous
Former School Admin in a large district here. Being a school principal is the most difficult, loneliest job I could possibly imagine. Even more lonely than many attorney positions I’ve had over my career. You get incredible pressure from Admin at the District level, board politics, parents, staff, and the public – while working in one of the most heavily regulated environments I can think of. You are like a circus-master smiling through it all. This time of year is especially difficult for everyone. Everyone is just weary, bone tired, and crushed from all the various hats they have to wear throughout the day. Keep your head-up. Make it to the end of the year. Please know that it is not all on you to fix turnover – it is a systemic issue that your Admin are hopefully well intended in trying to improve. Try to find some academic based literature, meet with your school HR person (if you have one), and maybe see if you can find a Summer zoom collaboration session to gather ideas for improving morale – and leverage those going forward with your evals. Easier said than done. Don’t do it right now. Wait until you have had a little rest over the Summer. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing a truly impossible job and it is the most exhausting part of the year. Don’t make a big decision when you are exhausted.
Anon
Aww, so many internet hugs. So many of this issues are not because of you- are you able to dramatically expand your budget and pay teachers what they deserve, stop parents from being entitled jerks, and magically keep students and staff safe during the pandemic but also together and mask free? No? Then your reviewer can F off.
It’s completely okay to be at maximum capacity, acknowledge you’re doing the best you can and mentally ignore this review. If you do have some capacity for self improvement then I’d be very, very selective about what feedback you take to heart. Do your staff members feel like you as an individual care about them as individuals? Because that’s really the only thing in your control.
Anon
I work in higher ed and I usually have 200 people who report to me (through a few layers of managers). I am down like 10%? 15%? This is despite doing everything I can to raise wages, get perks (I order a ton of food for people!), sending notes of appreciation, giving flexibility where I can. There are not enough people in the workforce right now. A lot of folks retired and a lot of people don’t have childcare (and childcare teachers don’t want to work for basically nothing when they can make more at Target).
It’s the end of the year – embrace some celebrations and thank yous. Then do your best to get everyone (including yourself) a break. You cannot fix the workforce problem. You can do your best to be a good boss who is grateful for people’s good works
Anonymous
Well if you could stop the pandemic, that would be great, but since that is out of your hands….(I’m joking but sending hugs as it seems insane your evaluation doesn’t take into account the bonkers nature of the last 2 years and the fact that there really were no good solutions for schools).
My husband is a high school teacher. The thing that he hates the most is never being treated like a professional. I think this is partly his personality – he really does not take direction well in general – but he feels a lot like he’s constantly asked to do PD activities or admin things that waste his time (he has never once spoken positively of PD, and he is someone who is always teaching himself new things), or being asked to do things that he’s not qualified to do (social-emotional learning activities that are well-intentioned but not well-designed, like a low-level zoom support group to try to address the students’ mental health issues) that take him or his students out of class so he has less and less time to actually do the one thing he IS well-qualified to do: teach. He’s also frequently asked not to give tests certain weeks because students have AP or similar important tests in other classes (he teaches an elective), or told he can’t give homework, or forced to switch to a different online grading platform that doesn’t actually work – from his perspective it is just a constant stream of policies that carry the message that HIS work is not actually very important. He has a PhD, is a former college professor and has a total of over 20 years of teaching experience (10 in high school), but he feels he’s still not treated like he knows what he is doing. Part of this is probably unavoidable when you are a cog in a massive bureaucracy (NYC public schools), but to the extent that you can listen more or get teacher input from across disciplines before implementing a policy, that might go a long way. I think in his case his principal is a former history teacher and really doesn’t seem to get that STEM subjects have different needs than humanities. If you might have similar blindspots, see if there is a way to get some input from the other side.
Liz
Thank you for all the replies. They were reassuring and greatly appreciated.
It probably doesn’t help that my school district has staff fill out anonymous surveys listing positives and negatives of their principals. Those comments are then added to your evaluation. Nobody is happy, like with salaries that I have no control over. Public education is rougg right now.
NeedsMotivation
Help me choose new workout leggings. I haven’t worked out at a gym for years and realize my ratty shorts won’t cut it. I hate the feeling of really tight compression, but also don’t want to always be pulling them up. I looked at OldNavy and Gap so far but the choice is overwhelming – there seems to be a secret code in the names. Why can’t they make it simple?! I am short so looking at 7/8 length or capri. Just tell me what feels good to you, is reasonably priced and will survive the gym. Bonus points for side pocket and/or cuteness.
Anonymous
My favorite ones are the cheap generic Walmart brand ones (don’t come at me – I know that is trashy). But, they are so freaking soft. I’ve tried Lululemon, athleta, old navy, champion – they all feel so scratchy to me. So I keep going back to generic Walmart leggings instead of proper workout attire.
I haven’t tried Vuori leggings for myself, but my husband has some Vuori joggers and they pass the comfort test for me. If I was going to treat myself to new fancy workout gear – I would possible try Vuori. They also are pretty cute and have pockets (and the website seems curated and not too overwhelming).
Horse Crazy
I love the Old Navy high waist PowerSoft leggings. 7/8 length,pockets, not crazy compression but they don’t slip down, and they’re soooooo soft.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
If you don’t want crazy compression, yoga leggings are generally less constricting.
It’s super practical to have side pockets to slip your phone in at times.
It’s practical to have a pattern of some kind unless you want black, if you don’t want sweat stains to show as much.
Waist height is about your preference. I have a high waist, so prefer super high-waisted ones, not with a thick elastic band (think boxer style tight elastic) but a fabric band around the waist.
If you show at Amaz, I have had some luck with the Hofi yoga leggings that were recommended here some time back. It’s high, but not super-high waisted. They stand up to a lot of use, and are not see-through.
anon
Miami Fitwear. Pricey, but worth it (they do have sales). Super soft yet supportive, not see through, wear like iron. Tons of cute patterns. Pocket and length options.
Anon
I like TLK Sport’s tight compression, but I think they do have lower levels. They’re very stretchy and soft though and have worn well for me.