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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Anon
I just recently moved in with my boyfriend and it is not going well at all. I feel like we jumped the gun and decided to move in together in part due to the horrendous rental market. Living together is basically saving me over $1K per month. However, we are not getting along at all!! There are various issues with the apartment that we were not expecting and then just bickering on an almost daily basis. We’ve been together for about a year and we are both mid to late 30’s. I’ve never lived with a bf before and I’m wondering are these just growing pains of accommodating each other on a daily basis or is this more indicative of us not being a right fit. I guess I’m just looking for some insight as this is new to me and seems much harder than it should be.
FormerlyPhilly
Are you bickering about things like who will take out the garbage and make dinner or all about the issues with the apartment? Are each of you getting enough alone-time and together-time?
I didn’t experience this when I moved in with my bf/now husband, but I know any issues at our house (like plumbing leaks, broken dishwasher, etc.) throws a kink in our routine and is a headache/time-sink to resolve.
Anon
I feel like we are bickering about things where we had disagreements over before the move but now we just see each other every day rather than Friday to Sunday so we end up bickering more…..the idea of ending my lease has crossed my mind but at the same time, part of moving in together would give me the chance to make a decision on the relationship and know for sure if it wasn’t going to work.
Peloton
You’re old enough to prioritize your happiness over $12k/year (especially since you can save that same $12k by getting a platonic roommate). Bickering isn’t a common thing in healthy relationships in your 30s—disagreements, sure, bickering no. I’d exit now before things get more entrenched.
Ellen
Yes, once you are with a guy 24/7, what may have seemed cute such as when he “twitched is nose” seeing only on a weekend night becomes more like “God, he’s gross”, when you have to hear him snort while farting up the bed after drinking 4 cans of beer with Cheetos almost every night! I know because my Alan got virtually unlivable to be with once he moved in and started showing me how unpalatable he really was! I remember my Dad telling me that he had no manners, but I found his mannerisms different. Over time, tho, I recognized that he was a self centered slob who was living off of me like a slug, literally emptying my refrigerator while filling the toilet without flushing. Who does that, anyway? Well it was my Alan, but I got weary of that and the drinking and the demands for instant gratification after I came home every night from a hard day at the office only to find him sprawiled out on the couch asleep from the beers but more that willing to pull me into the bed to warm up his privates. What was I thinking? Evidently not much, but I really wanted him to marry me to have a baby, but that didnt happen, and in the end it was for the best b/c I would be tethered to that schlemiel for life if I bore him a child. FOOEY! I smelled the coffee and it was cheap crappy stuff that you get on the Thruway rest stops. Gross!!!!!
I say if you are seeing parallels to your boyfreind, just DTMFA. It was not meant to be, and the sooner, the better. There are other fish in the sea and I can tell you they won’t stink as much! FOOEY !
Anonymous
How long have you been living together? It could indicate you’re not compatible long term…you want to live together, right? Have you tried having a conversation to discuss ground rules and expectations?
Anonymous
Can you seperate what’s the apartment and what’s him and you? How long has it been? If you’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and things were good before you moved in, then you may want to give it more of a chance.
Anon
No – it’s not growing pains, it’s a big issue. When I moved in with my now-husband it went badly. A friend moved in with her boyfriend around the same time and it went well. I convinced myself it was just adjustment, growing pains etc. but it wasn’t. Marriage counseling has helped but many of those issues are still there decades later. Please do take these seriously and consider what they mean to you — cost of admission for the relationship and something you could live with forever? Worth moving out over?
Anon
Not really sure how to decide if they are cost of admission and just dealing with living with a man or if I should jump ship.
Janey
I think if something is just a cost of admission, you are okay if things stay the way they are forever, i.e., they’re not just growing pains or an issue where you need to communicate better.
Anon
Were you living alone before or with roommates? I’ve never lived alone, having had roommates right up until I moved in with my now husband, and my husband was in the same situation, which I think made it easier. We’ve since moved together three more times, including two cross country moves. Moving is really stressful, especially with the current rental market, which means you probably had to make some compromises that might make you second guess yourselves. I think it helps if you recognize that this is normal and just try not to take your frustrations and stress out on each other.
Anon
Just wanted to clarify that it’s normal to be stressed out about moving and the issues that come along with that. Some adjustment period is also probably normal, but constant bickering isn’t necessarily to be expected. Every move my husband and I have made together has just reinforced that we make a good team and are happy to be going through it together, even if the process is miserable. I’d try to differentiate the moving stress from other issues with actually living together.
Anon
I’m not sure that we necessarily work well as a team. He wanted to unpack everything asap and I wanted to make it exciting and enjoyable and take a relaxed approach, focus more on us moving in together rather than omg we have so many boxes let’s unpack TODAY!! It was stressful.
Anon
Excuse me, what? You wanted to turn moving – an enormously stressful experience – into something “exciting and enjoyable,” and you did so by making him trip over boxes and wonder where the f– his shaving kit is???? Sweetie, get your head out of the clouds. Your life isn’t a rom com and moving isn’t a cross-country road trip wherein your boyfriend just needed to be convinced to take the scenic route.
It was stressful because it’s MOVING. Moving is stressful. Notice the period at the end of that sentence? There isn’t a way to make it fun, only a way to infuriate your partner by dragging it out.
Anon
OP here. My previous moves were never this stressful. I understand that it takes time to unpack and figure out where everything goes. Of course have your essentials but everything does not need to be done in one day!! I’m more laid back and he’s more rigid about it. Plus it’s not like we were moving cross country. He also chose to hire two dudes and a U-Haul while I hired a reputable moving company so he made his move more stressful than it had to be. Every single one of my prior moves has been fairly chill.
Trish
Unpacking all in one day is TERRIBLE! Put your shaving kit in the suitcase. Moving into a new home and deciding where everything is going is exciting. She is not wrong.
anon
This may be a blunt question, but did it make you uncomfortable that he was unpacking your stuff? You wrote below that all of the things became his things and that you don’t control the space, which suggests that you aren’t comfortable having a partner unpack things and organize them on his own. If that stressed you out, it’s understandable (been there, trust me) but it’s also a price of admission to living with a romantic partner.
If you are looking for permission to move back out, which I think you are, then totally yes, go for it. If you want to let him down gently and keep seeing him, I think it’s fair to say that it was just too soon in the relationship. There are usually some intermediate steps between spending weekends with someone and moving in, such as traveling together, spending the week living out of a bag at his place, leaving a subset of your clothes at his place, etc. All of those little steps help make sure you are compatible and on the same page.
Anon
Thank you Trish! I thought it would be more exciting that we were moving in together! Make it fun! Open a bottle of wine, turn on some music and unpack before you order take out for dinner. Doesn’t have to get done in one day!!! That’s why there’s seamless and paper plates!
Anonymous
I think anon at 312 is being unnecessarily rude and weirdly dramatic. OP you’re fine to want to stop unpacking and have pizza and champagne picnic on the floor. Maybe my life is a romantic comedy but I did that and it was awesome. Don’t take 312 to heart, she seems miserable. Moving to a new place with a new boyfriend is not meant to be without joy or excitement. I don’t have advice but you’re fine for wanting to unpack slowly.
Woof
I like to unpack as fast as is possible, and this does not make me a crazy person. I like to get organized and settled and get on with my life. I put books and knick knacks into bookcases, and they can be rearranged nicely down the road. But getting rid of those boxes is essential. I am reading some immaturity and lack of respect for differences here…support his need to unpack, and enjoy other aspects of moving in together with him instead of boxes and chores. Cooking nice meals and sitting in your balcony or nice living room makes more sense than delaying moving in.
Anonymous
Sounds like he needed to make it a little more fun and you needed to be a little bit more urgent about the unpacking. What if you had agreed to work really hard at unpacking for 3 hours uninterrupted then he had agreed to take a 45 min. break and have a pizza and wine celebration? That’s how as a couple you should be able to work out. You want win-win. If you both just fight about it you are right. Not a good team. Marriage is a series of compromises. If you can’t as a couple you’ll both be miserable.
Anon
I always had roommates because I live in a VHCOL area. It’s more of an issue like all of things suddenly become his things. I lose all control over my space ie: our bedroom, my things,etc. With a roommate we separated space in the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets. I had my own bathroom etc. I do think there are some deep seated issues stemming from our very different background, careers, ambitions, etc. I’d like to see a couples counselor at some point to address these things. I’m not one who needs marriage and I don’t want children but I’d still like to have a happy relationship.
Anon
I think those are definitely things to talk about. At least for us, I suspect that part of the reason we work so well together is that we give each other plenty of space. We each have our own areas in the house, in the bathroom, etc. and do plenty of things on our own while at home together (this is definitely easier in a house than in a small apartment). With your example above, if he feels like unpacking, I let him do it, and if I need a break, I take one. I can’t really relate to unpacking being exciting and enjoyable, but I do put in enough time at the beginning to make joint decisions about where things need to go and then we do things at our pace. As long as it gets done in a reasonable amount of time, neither of us judge how the other person wants to handle things. I trust him enough to know it will work out in the end.
Janey
Yeah of course you share the space as a couple and you lose sole control over it. Yes, you no longer have “my bedroom.” Of course you no longer separate space in the fridge or kitchen cabinets when you’re living with a romantic partner. Of course you don’t have your own bathroom. What you’re describing is the nature of living alone or with a platonic roommate. If that’s the way you like to live, for sure feel free to go back to that. But I don’t think this is something couples counseling will fix, unless you find a romantic partner who is willing to live that way.
Anon
I moved in with my college boyfriend right out of college to save on rent money since we were together all the time anyway. Our parents did not approve and then we found out my dad was dying so we got married before my dad passed away.
If we hadn’t been married we would have broken up that first year of living together.
Instead we spent the next 10 years together about 50% ok and 50% miserable. Don’t be me.
Anon
Marriage isn’t on the table right now. I’m not exactly a super romantic person with my head in the clouds. Marriage at this stage is a merging of assets per Miranda Hobbs. I’m not looking to have kids and I’m in a better financial position than him and marriage is not something I need unless there is a real Benefit. I know, I know I’m super romantic!!!
Anonymous
Do you like him?
Anon
I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t like him, although he has been irritating me lately of course
Senior Attorney
I feel like it’s a bad sign to be bickering and irritated. Cosign the idea that if you’re wanting permission to move back out, you have it.
Anon
Except that whole one year lease thing
Anon
My sense is that you’re not well paired for each other. Bickering isn’t good, and it foretells more bickering. Even with your different ideas about how to unpack, it’s telling that you two couldn’t resolve it with a conversation or maybe even some loving teasing and negotiation (“okay, we unpack it all today, but tomorrow we’re having a date night in with our newly unpacked dishes.”). I think you two aren’t compatible and/or don’t have ease in figuring out the day-to-day stuff…and that isn’t fun.
You could just level with your bf. You could say you think you two may have moved in together too quickly and you don’t like the bickering, and what does he think?
Anon
What does your boyfriend get out of this? He’s moved in with someone who is in a far better financial position than he is, yet wanted to move in together to save on rent. He moved in via UHaul with someone who is pissy at him for not hiring movers. He knows you have no desire to marry him. You want this to be “fun” and don’t seem to understand the point of meeting in the middle.
Anne-on
Did you both live alone, or with roommates? I lived alone in my own apartment for 5 years and my (now) husband moved in with me. It was HARD to adjust to another person in ‘my’ space and to his routines. To this day if we ever divorce I swear I am going back to living alone, I really crave a lot of quiet/alone time in a way many people don’t.
It was also hard for him to adjust to living with a girlfriend vs. a roommate – for example I remember being super annoyed that he wouldn’t text me when he was leaving work so that I could plan when to start dinner (even though we both agreed we wanted to eat together). He was annoyed because ‘why are you checking up on me?!?’ (I was also his first serious long term relationship). It took us both close to 8 months to get into a groove and adjust. Fwiw, I HATE change and do badly with big change regardless of whether it’s good or bad so I knew it was more of a ‘me’ issue vs. an ‘us being together’ issue. It helped to talk about our expectations, give each other alone time/space (not super easy in a 1-bedroom but we figured it out) and for both of us to TALK to each other instead of getting annoyed/making assumptions.
If it helps – figuring out the kinks made our first year of marriage pretty darn easy, even with another big move/job changes for both of us. Good luck!
anon
I wrote a longer comment that disappeared, but the thrust of it was that I disagree with other commenters that it will always immediately be easy. Some things take adjusting to and have learning curves, depending on your personalities. My husband and I are fundamentally different personality types, and have over YEARS had to learn to compromise and deal with each other’s vastly different approaches to life. And when we first moved in together, our place was too small for us and we struggled because I did not have enough space to live my introverted life in. We recognized the problem and moved somewhere bigger, and have learned over the years to accommodate each other. It’s a real thing that some of us are simply less easy going than others, and those of us who are more tightly wound will need more time to adjust to live-in partners.
Anon
I really think sometimes the space is the problem. We seriously considered “next door” apartments for a while until we ended up moving to a lower cost of living city in order to get a house.
Living on top of another person is intensely irritating to me, and more so if we’re in a relationship, since it’s like I can’t get mental, emotional, or physical space from them, whereas at least with roommates it’s only physical space that’s lacking!
anon
Yes, the space thing was the biggest thing for me, too. I’m very very happily married but I won’t pretend that it didn’t take work on my part to learn to let another person mess with my things, invade my personal space, talk to me when I’m deep in thought, etc.
roxie
I lived alone for almost 10 years in my 30s and deeply valued my independence and LOVED living alone. When I moved in with my boyfriend (it’s been two full years plus early covid basically living together but not fully), there were adjustments for sure, but any small irritations about the olives not being left where I put them in the pantry was outweighed by the absolute thrill and joy I have by living with him and being with him almost all the time. i still feel that way. (yes, this surprises even me).
I feel like if you aren’t thrilled to be living with him then you shouldn’t be!
Anon
My son dated his girlfriend for 7 years. He broke up with her six months after they got an apartment together.
Anon
Haha not to laugh at your son’s misfortune but I felt this comment in my bones
Living with someone is a whole new reality
Anon
Hmmmm. I have lived with two men who have been wrong for me but in neither of those relationships did moving in together cause this many issues. In one relationship, I moved into his house and in the other, we got a new to us place.
FWIW, one of these relationships ended DRAMATICALLY and the other ended in a very friendly way. All that to say, if I were in your shoes, I would very seriously be considering whether this was the right person for me. But then again, I’m never moving in with someone again where there are already issues we need to work on.
An.On.
I think I’ve told this story on here before, but it cuts very close to home for me so I’ll tell it again. My husband moved in with me after like, four years of dating, and it was awful at first. AWFUL. At one point I think I sat in my car in the garage and just screamed. He’s much messier than me, it felt like a constant invasion of space, and we had pets that had to be gated off from each other to avoid fights, so there was also a lot of resentment about favoritism of one animal or the other. We were both mid-30s, and had lived alone for 10+ years. What helped was that (for unexpected renovation reasons, yay more stress) we used separate rooms for a few months, so we were able to do more of a gradual easing in to being in each other’s space all the time, and honestly, we both worked to meet each other in the middle: he cleaned more, and confined his mess to his office, I didn’t immediately freak out if the dishes weren’t done every night and allowed him to rearrange my furniture. Plus the animals chilled out and were able to be in the same room without fighting, which meant we could all hang out together in a relaxed way. That was years ago, we’ve since gotten married, and bought a joint house together. Do we agree all the time on keeping house? No, but it’s also not a source of constant friction anymore. Based on my personal experience, if it’s still early days, and you’re both making efforts, even if things are not going well, I would give it more time to settle down.
anon
Ditto on this. Before living with my DH (nearly 20 years ago), I had lived on my own and with roommates where there was a lot of physical separation -e.g., separate floors and DH had never had roommates. Moving in with DH was an adjustment to say the least, and the first year was rough. The biggest adjustment was honestly, not having my own room that I could go to and be alone – like, when you have roommates, your room is still your room. Once we got it sorted out that we both needed alone time (and not ignoring the other person), things got better. That and when he realized that if I cooked dinner he had to eat it. I would give it a while to find your groove and remember that moving is insanely stressful.
Anonymous
Husband and I have lived together since we got married and a lot of his stuff arrived 6 months later when he sold his house. His house had stuff in boxes from when he moved into it. Our house has that stuff in boxes. We have been in this house . . . 14 years. I have some boxes (old taxes, property records, needlepoint projects I can’t quite give up on). We are wired differently than your BF. Stuff in a box is stuff that will keep. I’m one for getting the minimum done and turning to the comforts of alcohol and setting up the bed.
Seventh Sister
It was harder to move in with my then-boyfriend, now spouse than to have any of my roommates (except for my crazy freshman roommate). Getting a housekeeper and having our own bathrooms helped, he is a slob and a keeper/hoarder and I am a neatnik and a thrower-away. It got better but I’d be lying if I don’t dream of a studio apt with no spouse or kids every so often.
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but I would break up because I think relationships should generally be easy. There’s enough difficulty with the things life will throw at you and adding a partner you don’t easily and naturally get along with just isn’t worth it.
Janey
I generally agree relationships “should” be easy. But I also think some people have to make the unfortunate choice between being alone and a relationship that may be a bit more difficult – not everyone is fortunate enough to find that easy relationship. And I think choosing a relationship with some friction/unhappiness over being alone is a valid choice for some people to make. OP may be in that spot.
Anon
There’s something to this. And some people are just more difficult people than others who are more easygoing. We can work on that, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be in relationships until we’re perfect. If two relatively difficult people find each other, they can live a happy life together while trying to mellow out. I don’t think that makes the relationship unhealthy so long as the challenges are being worked through. But if nothing else in life is easy for someone, I don’t think relationships are likely to be easier.
Trish
Remember when Leslie Mann whined about not wanting to wear JJill in “This is 40?” Well, I finally leaned in and I am so much happier with the way my clothes fit! I thought I would look like an old lady but I actually feel more put together. Sometime in the past ten years, I went from a 10-12P pear to a deformed 14P apple-pear so the cute clothes at JCrew and Banana just are not working. What other brands should I try?!
S
When we turned 40 my friend said – we’re now in the Eileen Fisher phase of life – and she was right.
Anon
+1 I have loved my EF clothes since my 40s. I try to go for the less boxy styles but I love the fabrics and how things just wear like iron and don’t start to look shabby after a month.
Trish
I guess I need to splurge for some EF black pants!
Anonymous
Whoops, I’ve been wearing EF since I was 25…..
Dee 2
You have an old soul
Or you’re very mature
It’d be funny if fashion was like “The portrait of Dorian Gray” and you looked younger and younger the older your clothes are
Anon
My daughter is 25 and started buying EF Outlet (one a few miles from our house) before she started college. She is still wearing those pieces, because: EF.
Anon 2.0
I love some J Jill items and I’m 32! If you stay away from their prints, you are left with some nice classic pieces in good fabrics. They even have t-shirts that aren’t one degree off from tissue paper! I must admit as well, I have found myself drawn to the recent coastal grandma aesthetic. Don’t discount Chicos or Talbots either.
anon
I’ve found Talbots to be super flattering.
Anonymous
Currently really into Eddie Bauer!
Anon
I love Eddie Bauer!
anon
I don’t want to hear it, even though I know you’re probably right!
Seventh Sister
Talbots and Chico’s, also Uniqlo (which reminds me of what The Gap used to be like). Madewell seems to work pretty well for me, too.
While I am too cheap and lazy to do it, I remain envious of the fact that most famous people get absolutely everything they wear tailored. T-shirts, dresses, nothing is directly off the rack.
Anonymous
Chicos!
Anonymous
Caslon
Nydj
Stalk Lafayette 148 on resale sites
I’d check evereve also I feel like that’s targeted to 35-45 yo moms
anon a mouse
Vicarious shopping help please! I need a dress to wear to/from the pool, the one I have is on its last legs. Something that won’t look weird over a suit arriving but can be worn without a bra leaving. The ideal dress is sleeveless and has a built-in bra, pockets, and is not super-short (no minidresses). The Prana Skypath dress is pretty close to what I want (I’d prefer something without back cutouts) but I’d love to find something that’s $50-75 or less.
AIMS
YMMV as there is no built in bra but my 80-something year old neighbor has been spending the heatwave in this HM one (in bright green) and she looks fantastic (even without a bra & at 80+).
https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1076023001.html
Anonymous
Window shop at Cabana Life dot com and find something similar at Lands End (swim dresses and/or SPF 50 poolside coverup dresses).
Anonymous
Try skivys. I bought a dress there recently and love it. Buttery soft, pockets, built in shelf bra. It’s slightly higher than your price range but as of yesterday the coupon code Cozyup gets you 10% off
Anonymous
My dear friend has been intubated and she’s 600 miles away. What can I do to support her family? She has a husband, a two year old and lovely supportive parents there, and a church community. Meals are sorted, money situation is good. Will sending toys for the kid be a burden on them? We sent a gift box of lotions and nice things when she first went to hospital and it seems so stupid now that she’s deteriorated so much. I’m so distraught with worry about her.
Anon 2.0
Depending on how close you are to the family, and your budget, what about help with some household items? Can you arrange a lawncare service so her husband doesn’t need to worry about the lawn or maybe a housekeeper so he doesn’t need to think of cleaning? I think a few small, quiet toys would be a nice gesture as well. I know you said meals are sorted but what about some coffee shop gifts cards or something along that line for the husband/ parents? I’d search to see what is close to the hospital.
Senior Attorney
If possible, can you drop everything and go be with her? That’s what I’d do.
Anon
Honestly, me too. Then you can hang out with the 2-year old while parents and spouse can be at the hospital – or be the one to go get things from the drugstore in the middle of the night – walk the dog, whatever. It’s such a stressful time, and having someone around to do all of the things, no coordinating required or questions asked, would be helpful.
Anonymous
They only allow two people at the hospital per day so I wouldn’t be able to see her, sorry I should have mentioned that.
Covid sucks, it’s terrifying hearing what is happening to her body. A well-managed pre-existing condition and otherwise healthy. It feels selfish to say, but on top of being worried about her, I have a much more risky pre-existing condition and if I caught Covid it now feels like I would definitely die. (My doctor warned of this but I didn’t dwell on it before).
Blueberries
If she doesn’t have a large house, I expect that toys would likely be a burden. If the child is going to the hospital a lot, then books or activities that travel well (stickers, kid scissors and tape, bandaids, etc) could be helpful.
Whatever happens, her family is going to need support for a long time. Can you keep an eye on the situation and be prepared to jump in a few weeks/months when those who are helping with meals, etc. start to drop off?
Anonymous
Thanks Blueberry, you are right. If she survives the weekend then there’s still six weeks intubation and months of rehab so I’ll be around then. As someone who has a long term disease, I know support drops off after a while.
Sloan Sabbith
I’m so sorry. This was me almost four years ago exactly- my friend didn’t have kids, but she was hundreds of miles away and none of us knew what to do. Her family did not want us there, which I understood- they knew it was going to be her last days (and I hope to god that’s not the case for your friend, but in my friend’s case, we all knew it was) and did not want to give up that time with her. We did not want anyone to come during my dad’s last days, either- we didn’t want to give up any of our last moments with him. Selfish, yeah, but…it is what it is.
So: I disagree. I would not go there unless you can talk to someone who is there- ideally someone a few steps removed (aunt? Sister in law?) who can tell you “Yes, that’s helpful, come.” They can talk to her husband and parents about it without them feeling like they have to say that you can come.
Send quiet toys for the kiddo- things like coloring books, stickers, maybe even an iPad and headphones if you can go in on it with other friends so that the kiddo has something to entertain them during what is going to be an inordinately stressful time for them and everyone else.
Support is going to drop off in a few weeks, no matter what happens. They’ll be inundated and then in a few weeks, people will move on. Be the one who sends groceries in a month, or an UberEats gift card.
Anonymous
OP here – Thank you so much.
I’m sorry about the lost of your friend, it’s hard.
Sloan Sabbith
Take care of yourself- this is hard for you, too. Do what you need to do to care of yourself. Couple of reminders that my friends and I shared: Drop your shoulders. Take a deep breath. Drink some water. Go outside. Eat some food. Take a shower. Remember that she knows how much you love her. She may pull through this- people make it through intubation every day, we’ve all seen that during COVID.
And I know this sucks to think about, but I wish someone had told me: Even though it’s excruciating, spend some time thinking about what want to say to her if you have a few minutes to talk to her over the phone in her last days, if that’s what it comes to instead. It is so hard to know what to say in the moment. She can hear you. I had about thirty seconds notice when her mom called and I wish someone had told me to think about what to say so that I could have told her more than I did.
I’m sorry. I’ll be thinking about you.
Anon
I agree with Sloan. I would not go there unless the husband tells you this is something he wants. If I were in the hospital, my husband would not want my friends showing up. He would want help from our families and his friends. i.e., his support people, not mine. I think my friends showing up would be a burden, because he would feel obligated to entertain them, give them a place to stay, etc. (even though they definitely would not expect that!) I have a similar age kid, fwiw.
Walnut
If you’re still reading, consumable toys for the kid. Think play doh, colors and coloring book, water wows, stickers, bubbles, etc. a dear aunt also sent fun party style paper cups, plates and napkins. The kids were delighted to eat off of paw patrol, spiderman and my little pony.
Anon
My friend shared with me yesterday that she miscarried towards the end of her first trimester. She’s my first friend who has been TTC, so this is uncharted territory. I was planning on checking in via text in a few days but don’t know how else to be there for her.
I’m mid move (and an okay at best cook), so unfortunately a home cooked meal drop off is not in the cards.
Senior Attorney
It does’t need to be home cooked. Put together a takeout dinner and drop it off.
Anonymous
The text is appropriate. I have never thought of an early miscarriage as meal train/casserole territory.
Anon
Thanks , I wasn’t sure what’s appropriate
Anonymous
This comes off very cruel. It probably won’t be a meal train because not as many people will know, but at the end of the first trimester she has loved the baby for a full month. I had contractions as I miscarried and it was physically pretty brutal and emotionally much more so. My friends sent me a really cozy sweatshirt of one of my favorite shows and every time I put it on I think of that kindness. Take out would be nice, and just checking in on her. It can be a lonely sadness
Anonymous
Cruel? My point was that communicating should be the priority, not food prep. This isn’t a situation where time management or finances are an issue. As you pointed out, it is the loneliness.
Formerly Lilly
Disagree. I had two friend who dropped off meals, one who brought me nice scented bath things, another who brought me fuzzy throw blanket, and my mortal work enemy wrote me a short but heartfelt note. I felt loved and cared for and it helped.
Calrayo
When my friends have went through this, they appreciated having someone to talk with. I would start conversations with asking if they wanted to talk about it or if they wanted to be distracted, and then just follow their lead. Stay in touch and let her know you’re thinking about her.
Anon
I have sent flowers with a note to let a friend know I was thinking of her in this situation and she told me more than once how much she appreciated them because it was a loss for her, but a lot of people didn’t consider it to be all that significant because it was not a miscarriage later on in her pregnancy. I also have known of women who have had miscarriages early on in their pregnancies, but it is not their first miscarriage or it is their first time finally getting pregnant after suffering from fertility issues and it has hit them very hard. Checking in is the right move and listening if she is comfortable confiding in you.
Curious
+1 I will always remember the flowers my friend sent. And it was an earlier miscarriage.
anon
I’ve had two first trimester miscarriages. People respond differently, but what I appreciated was friends inviting me to go do an activity – riding bikes, roller-skating, short hike – and letting me know that I could talk about it as much or as little as I wanted to. The activity bit was helpful because it gave us something to do, vs. getting drinks or a walk where the point is talking. I didn’t necessarily want to talk about it but being with people who knew it was on my mind really helped.
CO
I had a miscarriage that went horribly earlier this year. I was 9 weeks. I would call or text (depending on what’s appropriate for your friendship). Because miscarriages are so common especially in the first trimester, many people act like it’s not a big deal. That can make an already horrible situation worse by having friends who you think will support you act like it’s no big deal. Offering take out or flowers or a card will be likely meaningful. After my miscarriage and how some friends supported me (or failed to do so), some of my relationships have changed. This boils down to being a good, active friend to someone in pain. If you reach out and your friend doesn’t want to talk, they will still remember that you tried. If you reach out and they need support, it will be a huge gift to them and cement your relationship. Kindness is always in style. Show up for your friend; what you send doesn’t matter as much as checking in and acknowledging that the miscarriage happened.
CO
I had a miscarriage that went horribly earlier this year. I was 9 weeks.
I would recommend calling or texting (depending on what’s appropriate for your friendship). Because miscarriages are so common especially in the first trimester, many people act like it’s not a big deal. That can make an already horrible situation worse by having friends who you think will support you act like it’s no big deal. Offering take out or flowers or a card will be likely meaningful. some of my relationships have changed based on how friends showed up for me (or didn’t) during my miscarriage. This boils down to being a good, active friend to someone in pain. If you reach out and your friend doesn’t want to talk, they will still remember that you tried. If you reach out and they need support, it will be a huge gift to them and cement your relationship. Kindness is always in style. Show up for your friend; what you send doesn’t matter as much as checking in and acknowledging that the miscarriage happened.
Anon
I had a 13 week miscarriage of a very wanted baby, just a week after we had finally told all of our friends and family that we were expecting.
I drank a lot of wine, mainly because I love wine and hadn’t been drinking it while pregnant, of course. My friend brought over two bottles of a really good Syrah and we drank one together, and there was still one for later.
I’m sorry for your friend’s loss.
Seafinch
Yes. I have had seven miscarriages, (one chemical before 6 weeks, one at 8, three at 10 weeks and one at 13 weeks). I drank a lot. So much that I don’t drink any more….
Nesprin
Can you take takeout dinner over to her and let her kvetch?
Anon
Whyyyy is my department the only department at my company that doesn’t observe summer Fridays?! I even have a 4pm meeting today so I can’t keep myself green on slack but otherwise slack off…
Sloan Sabbith
Who TF schedules a 4 PM meeting on a Friday even if you DON’T have summer Fridays?
Anon
Oh don’t worry – 5 minutes into the call I got assigned work that’s due by noon on Monday…
Sloan Sabbith
Wow I hate that for you!
Ellen
Hugs. Sloan Sabbith is right. I have to do work over the weekend, but at least my boss appreciates it and pays me well, so with Covid around, I don’t mind spending time in my apartment this weekend writing up a breif on a 3211 motion tomorrow. I will email it to the manageing partner for final review and I will file electronically on Monday morning. YAY!!!!!
Anon
I recently moved moved into an apartment with no ceiling fan in the bedroom. I have been using one for many years while I sleep, along with a small fan on my nightstand for the white noise. The lack of ceiling fan is driving me nuts and I’m not sleeping well. It’s not an option to put one in. Can anyone recommend a standing/pedestal fan that will mimic the air circulation of a ceiling fan – like almost feel like it’s coming from above? It’s not sound I’m looking for, since I already have that in my small nightstand fan, but cool air circulation.
Anon
This Lasko fan is the best! It has a remote and timer so you can put it on for 4 hours while you sleep. If you get hot in the middle of the night no need to get out of bed just keep the remote on your nightstand.
https://www.target.com/p/lasko-t42905-42-inch-3-speed-wind-curve-woodgrain-electric-slim-tall-standing-oscillating-tower-fan-with-bluetooth-control-and-7-hour-timer/-/A-80158912
Anonymous
I have the one above and the one linked here and like them both very much.
https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/rowenta-turbo-silence-extreme-16-inch-stand-fan-in-silver-grey/1060659958
Fans
I like this fan, both for looks and how well it works. In my small bedroom, it circulates air around better than the ceiling fan. https://www.costco.com/vornado-vintage-air-circulator.product.100844991.html
Vornado makes a less expensive, plastic one, too, that works just as well.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+100 to Vornado air circulator. I had one for years growing up, and it moves the air in a very cooling way (this was in muggy NYC suburbs before we got window air conditioners years later). It lasted me from childhood through college when it burned out, and I immediately purchased a new one.
Anon
I have a Dyson tower fan I got at Costco and it’s great.
Anon
What do you do when your boss is not great but you love everything else about your job? My larger team is awesome, work is semi-interesting, well-paying, great benefits and flexibility. But my boss is not good. She overcomplicates everything to the point that no one wants to deal with her. She has zero EQ so she doesn’t see it, but it’s clear to everyone else. She also micromanages terribly. We are between managers at the level above her, so no one is really seeing it at the moment. Any tips on how to deal? I really don’t want to get another job.
Anon
Is the skip-level manager above her approachable?
If so, this might be a perfect opportunity since the immediate level above is empty. You could approach the skip and frame it as a situation where XYZ is happening and normally the empty role would handle this, but with it empty can they step in?
Anon
Up until “we are between managers” I was pretty sure we worked for the same person…or there are just a lot of managers like this. Unfortunately, my “level above her” manager is the executive director…who is an ass.
I’m job searching. She makes my life miserable. I have none of the rest of the benefits of the job you do, but even if i did, life is too short to work with a not-great boss. This is probably the time to manage up, though, if you’re committed to staying. There are tips for how to deal with micromanagement, but honestly I just kind of ignore it…YMMV. Email from boss “Remember you’ll need to update this in the tracking system. Please let me know when it is completed.” Thing I’ve updated dozens of times and have never once missed. Don’t respond. She’s too busy to every realize I don’t respond…
Anon
If you’re me, you look for another job. A boss is a make or break kind of thing. I had a boss that badmouthed his direct reports to his higher-ups as a way of covering his own @ss (because he didn’t do any real work himself) and although I loved the substance of my work and I absolutely adored my own staff, most of whom I’d hired and trained myself, the situation with my manager was unsustainable for me.
For a while, I thought I’d wait him out, because surely someone would eventually figure it out. But his strategy worked pretty well for him for a long time, and he finally got laid off within the last year, 5+ years after I left.
Anonymous
What do you do when you feel really lonely as if you’re the only 42 year old in the world without a husband or kids? I’m totally sinking into that feeling lately, and sadly I don’t have friends to distract me as I don’t have many to begin with and those that I have moved to other cities with their own husbands and kids. And my family of origin is equal parts stressful and depressing.
I feel dumb as I never prioritized finding a husband because I never desperately wanted to live a compromise type of life and I never met anyone who fit right into my life with no changes from me at all. And I never prioritized it because I was never wild about babies and in all truth likely still am not. Yet as I look at friends now posting pictures of celebrating their 40th with their 8 and 10 year olds and coworkers having something in their life other than work, I know I missed out. I almost feel too depressed right now to even date as I’ve never had luck with the apps and it’s not like I have friends who can introduce me to anyone. What do you do when you feel like this and don’t want to spend the weekend wallowing? Usually I’m all about getting outside and moving except it’ll be 100+ degree heat indices all weekend so that isn’t likely.
Anon
You are definitely not the only one—there’s at least two of us!
Totally understand how you feel. At times I feel this way, too. However, wallowing in the feelings doesn’t help. And it’s the whole “comparing everyone else’s outsides with your insides” that doesn’t serve you. I know for a fact that your friends with kids are struggling too, maybe in different ways.
Think about what would make you happy. Is it a partner? Kids? Both? Then try to take small steps to get those things. Just because life didn’t happen on the typical timeline for you doesn’t mean that your opportunities for happiness are over (note—I’m trying to sell myself on this as much as you!).
So sorry you are feeling this way. Hugs.
Anon
You’re definitely not alone and this isn’t all that uncommon. I know a few people who are single in their 40’s and some handle it better than others. I think staying busy with either meet you type groups in your town or focusing on your hobbies would be helpful. Also, I’m always a huge advocate of therapy.
anon
42 in a few weeks and also a childless, single gal. The truth is, I’m generally happy with my choices but every so often those feelings of loneliness creep in, and I’m left wondering if my time has come and gone. I ditched the dating apps pre-pandemic and cannot see myself getting back on them for anything, but trying to meet someone without them is also hard. I’m even finding attempts at easy breezy text banter with the couple eligible singletons I know tough; the last 2.5 years have hardened me more than I realized for many reasons.
When I feel the way you’re feeling I generally try to practice some form of self-care that I can book on a whim. I also avoid social media…a hiatus does help. Finally, and this is not always the best choice for my pocketbook, but I try to plan a trip to look forward to, even if that means exploring somewhere within driving distance and booking a night in a hotel.
An earlier thread alluded to this phase of life existing as a season, and I really believe it. I love my 40s, but I also feel like everyone in this age range is going through something. Just remember that no feeling is final, and you’re not alone.
Anonymous
anon, thank you for posting this. I absolutely love the phrase, “No feeling is final.” I am sending it to several friends today. Thank you for sharing x
AnonQ
I would say that it is never too late to build the life you want! I have a friend who completely rebuilt his social circle around age 40. His parents had passed, friends had moved far away or just drifted away, and he worked a very independent, remote job without even coworkers to chat with regularly. I was really the only person in his life. In the last 2-3 years, he has built up 7-8 great friendships, runs a meetup group with regular events, and dates regularly, including one 1-yr relationship and a new one that seems promising. It is honestly really inspiring, and has made me realize I need to get out there in other ways too (30s, longterm single).
anon
You’re definitely not the only one! I’m in my late 30s without any attachment for the same reasons. Never wanted kids, haven’t met anyone whose company I enjoy more than my own, and generally haven’t prioritized being in a relationship, although I’m not against it in the abstract.
When you say that you feel you’ve missed out… did you really though? You only see snippets of your friends’ lives, and only the good ones. Does it stem from loneliness, envy, curiosity, or do you actually really really want it from within yourself? I would explore more about what having a family and children really mean to you before concluding that your life is incomplete without it. I say this because I’ve had cases of imagining that I want something but when I got it I realized I didn’t want it, not really.
All of this to say, it’s still completely okay to feel sad and lonely. There’s no perfect choices in life. Even when I am comfortable by myself, and would rather that than being with the men I’ve met (I’m sure there are better ones, mine just happened to be bleh) I sometimes wish I had a person to call mine. And when that happens I allow myself a bit of wallowing and then try to be excited about something else: a recipe I’ve been wanting to try, a trip I’m planning for the holidays, a class I’m taking at the community center, a favorite book to reread. What brings you joy in the day to day?
Anonymous
Honestly? This is when I take myself off to a bar and eat dinner and get a few drinks and hope to strike up conversation with someone interesting (for whatever reason, not necessarily as a potential romantic interest). I almost always end up having a great time and making a new acquaintance or two whose life is entirely different from mine, meaning I learn something along the way. And every now and then I get a date or a BF or a best friend out of it.
Anonymous
A perspective from someone without kids (but married). I really treasure my friends and this reminds me to let them know. Can you pick up some old friendships or kindle some new ones?
Looking at my single friends vs my friends with kids, most of my single friends have happier, healthier lives and are great company. My mother friends find life difficult and most of their husbands are not great. If I had to swap lives, I’d definitely pick one of theirs.
NW Islander
I could have written this post. Lots of commiseration. Three things help me:
1. Taking time for exercise/fitness.
2. Taking myself out on solo dates. Almost every weekend, I will get a tiny table on the patio of a lovely restaurant near my house. I have a couple of drinks, eat a wonderful meal, and often linger with a novel.
3. I consider the marriages of my friends. Tbh there is not one that I would want to emulate. A year ago, there was one marriage that I admired…but then I got closer to the wife and found out – surprise! – her husband is quite mean to her behind closed doors (have offered to help her leave; she will not).
Finally, while I do not do this yet, I would encourage volunteering to make new lady friends. There are a few orgs in my area that I know would connect me with some wonderful women. I don’t have the time now, but I will one day.
Grace
I love this response. Solo dates and solo trips are actually awesome.
And, yeah, I get down too but I remind myself that, however much I love them, I wouldn’t actually want to trade lives with any of my married friends.
Anon
I was you and my advice is to get on the apps and date if you want a relationship. I did and I also didn’t want to live a compromised life. You’ll never get it if you don’t try and the place to meet other single people is on the apps. It can be terrible (I think that’s an attitude though, I tried to see it as fun more than awful) but when it’s great, you can end up with a completely different amazing life. Hundreds of dates and ten years later, I’m married to the most perfect person for me, no kids by choice and happier than I ever thought. Absolutely lucky but you make your luck too.
Anon
Friendships from people of different generations helps me with this. It just broadens my perspective. I started an online language class a few months ago. It’s just me and five retirees, and they are beyond delightful.
Anon
Hi. 42, childless, dated on and off the last 7 years or so. I generally love my life, but there are absolutely times when I feel like this. For me, I had to do a lot of deep thinking about what I really wanted. Turns out, for me, it is a partner. I had been convincing myself for years that I didn’t care about a romantic relationship bc deep down I didn’t feel like someone could love me and also bc I was trying to be miss easy breezy single fun gal. Anyway, I suggest doing a lot of deep introspection about what it is you want, truly want to make you happy then go for it. I got back into dating like it was my job. Got my heart broken once or twice, and still might again, but I’m a month into something that makes me really happy and adds on to my great life. I’ve had to make what I suppose are compromises, but they don’t feel like it bc making the small changes has in turn made me happy and adjusting wasn’t as hard as I anticipated.
YMMV, but I hope you figure it out and this feeling passes soon.
Anonymous
Please talk to me about trading in cars. We have a 2016 Honda Accord we bought w/ cash in 2016, but my husband and son dislike the car. Can we trade it in without taking huge financial hit? Should we stay in Honda family? Any other tips?
Anon
Look up the Kelley blue book value for a rough idea of current value for its specific features, condition, and your location. Where I am the used car market is wildly inflated right now and we made money selling our 18 year old winter beater for cash via a sign in the window in less than a week. Way better deal by several thousand dollars than if we had tried to trade it in.
Anonymous
Right now used cars are going for more than they used to (though not what they would have gone for 6 months ago), so in that sense you’re good. BUT new cars are also costing more than they used to mostly because of chip shortages – while that is abating my sense is that new car prices are NOT coming down as fast as used car trade in prices are. So I’d weight out both of these things to see if it’s financially worth it – sure you may get a high trade in value but exactly how high is the new car price?
As for staying in the Honda family, I’d think hard about that if your family doesn’t like the car. IME different models of the same car always end up being pretty similar. What do they not like about it?
anon
You can go to the dealership and talk to someone in person about your options. I’ve only bought used cars before, so trading in for an older model might be better financially.
Anonymous
I would definitely test drive some other makes. If you don’t like this Honda, you probably won’t love another one. Personally, I thought I was committed to Hondas until I drove something else. When I went for a new car, I confirmed that I had moved 9n from that maker. I am not saying it does not make good cars, I am saying it does not make the cars I want in the same price range.
Anonymous
Op here – we hate the Honda for dumb reasons. The boys don’t like that it’s a sedan (creaky knees, kid in car seat feels too close to ceiling). I don’t like that there’s no digital speedometer and that it never recognizes my Bluetooth. We mostly just want an SUV, and we’re more open to a hybrid / electric car than we were then. (Other car is Subaru Outback.)
Anon
When you trade in, they don’t give you the full value because there’s a cost to the ease of trading in versus selling it yourself. If you want max value, sell yourself. Easy and you value time and safety, trade in. You’re not stuck with Honda, you can trade most any car at any dealer.
Anon
Not sure this is true in all states, but in mine, trading in versus selling the car yourself can come out better for you because the trade-in is considered a reduction on the value of the new (or new to you) for purposes of ad valorem and sales tax. It’s about 7% here, which can be a big savings. I always sell my cars myself because they’re not worth anything by the time I’m ready for another one, and the salesmen always tsk tsk me about it.
Anon
Followup to the ongoing issue of my R1 university accidentally sending my hiring paperwork with my personal info to an unknown A0L address– Week 4 of this.
They are saying an HR employee accidentally sent it to herself, that the A0L address is her own and I shouldn’t worry, it’s all good now. I said that this is not at all all good now. I said I want her to email from that account to prove it is hers, I want to know her security settings on it and who else has access, and I want to know why this is something HR employees can do. How can someone accidentally hand type in their own email and email records to themselves? If it was an accident, when she received it to her A0L, she would have seen that, known she didn’t send it right, send it to me, and report the breech. None of that happened. Also, as my work is high risk as it is (it’s considered controversial in the state I’m in and I get thre@ts regularly), was this targeted? Lastly, what are they going to do about the 10 days between when I discovered this and when they claim they figured out it was an HR employee error? It was terrifying for self and family that who knew who had my home address, plus my bank and credit cards got h@cked at the same time, an odd coincidence!
My refusal to let this go means they moved it from my dept to an HR specialist, who has now moved it to someone else who may be tied to legal dept. I have a call with that person next week. I am exhausted by this but refuse to let it go and the more they are acting like I should, the more suspicious I get about the whole thing.
Exhausting and frustrating!
Nesprin
Woof- where I work (academia adjacent) that’d be a firing offense.
If they bring a lawyer into the conversation, go get your own.
Anon
I don’t know why she shouldn’t get an attorney right now.
OP
What type of lawyer? What could I do with this as a remedy? I have emails from them admitting to this situation but I cannot prove damages and won’t know who will end up with access to my information since no one can un-ring that bell. I can’t prove the connection between the information going out and the h@cking of my info, it could be a coincidence but also an awfully convenient one. (The job is a short-term annual project of under $5k so it’s not a big money job, the issue is solely the loss of privacy and the impact of risk of my safety and my fears about it.)
I work in academia as well as doing consulting work, so I don’t want to be known for being a problem, but their unwillingness to take it seriously and the tone of dismissive and being annoyed with me about it makes me more infuriated and none of this seems like it should be as *waves hand* no big deal, the way they keep telling me it is.
AnonQ
What a mess! You are in the right for pressing on this. Does your school have an ethics hotline or similar? I would be reporting this high and low.
Anon
If she emailed your PII unencrypted, that is also a cybersecurity issue. Lots of orgs have data loss prevention software that would automatically stop someone from, say, emailing your ssn to an aol account.
OP
It wasn’t SSN, it was legal name, full address (which I kept protected from all for safety including not having utilities in my name and mail to PO Box, etc.) plus job info including pay rate. Not sure if that’s a legal situation but it’s not okay and, as someone with my work specifically, it’s incredibly dangerous for me.
Anonymous
It’s not. This isn’t a crime. You can’t sue. You’re being ridiculous.
Monday
She already receives threats regularly due to her work. Do not call her “ridiculous” for having a problem with her home address being shared with a stranger. She’s also had her finances hacked. Your comment is in fact ridiculous.
Anonymous
You need to get a grip. There is no identity theft possible with this information. Your SSN was not leaked. You are totally being ridiculous and need to get over yourself 007.
Anonymous
Have you told them how much money you think this gets you or are you waiting for them to make an offer?
Anon
If the timeline of your credit cards matches up with this, then it’s most likely not a coincidence. I’m a prosecutor and have sadly seen a lot of fraud like this. You should report it — look for the website of your local prosecutor’s office or attorney general’s office and see if they have a specific number for ID theft/fraud. You don’t necessarily have to go through the local police. Unfortunately in my experience people do this repeatedly for years without getting caught.
Anonymous
Credit card fraud based on disclosure of someone’s name and address and pay rate?
Anon
Yeah I would think you would need more private information to have been leaked to connect credit card hacking to it.
Anon
+1 I’m a former AUSA and this doesn’t seem like an actionable case to me, based on the info disclosed.
Anonymous
Glad you aren’t letting this go and I hope you are safe. Thanks for updating us.
anon
Notify your university’s ombudsman or GC office immediately.
You don’t need to wait for them to escalate this the way they want to.
This is an issue FROM YOUR END and it’s likely that HR should not be dealing with this at all, but rather Legal.
You don’t have to follow their protocols here. Raise hell.
Ano
+1 for talking to the ombuds. This is is exactly the kind of thing they’re there to deal with.
Anon
I wouldn’t get your hopes up, this isn’t something worth anything. I think you risk more being the person who’s annoying and difficult your work than you’re entitled to ever recover. At best ask for free credit monitoring but that’s about all you should expect.
Anon
What exactly is the end game here? I can’t pretend I understand your situation as I can’t fathom what kind of work that would illicit death threats in a particular state, and I can imagine HR thinks you’re way overreacting as they likely are struggling to understand your position. But I’m also struggling to understand what would be the ideal outcome for you. Your name and address have been emailed to this other (maybe HR) person. That fact can’t be undone at this point. Do you want the employee fired? Do you want a cash settlement (possibly so you can move)? Do you just want a heartfelt apology (which may be through gritted teeth because they think you’re overreacting)? I think you need to figure out what you would like and communicate that to whomever they escalate this to.
Anonymous
Yeah no one is getting fired for this. You’re not getting cash. You’re getting a reputation as an unhinged problem employee.
Monday
The OP keeps saying that her work is controversial in her state. Imagine if she’s a medical academic who trains abortion providers and lives or works in, say, Texas. People associated with abortion service are absolutely targeted for harassment at their homes and have been murd3red for it. This probably isn’t the actual scenario, but I don’t see why people are dismissing this or don’t understand that she could be unsafe. Use your imagination just a little bit.
OP, I agree with the other suggestions to escalate and also to figure out what you’re asking for since the bell can’t be un-rung. I worked at a hospital throughout Covid and I got similar responses for safety concerns that I raised–management just wanted me to shut up and acted like I was crazy. One of my colleagues did get a call on her home land line from a deranged patient who had figured out where she lived, and they did absolutely nothing about that either. I feel for you because whenever you’re the only person who has been affected by something like this, you have to look like “the problem” because you’re going it alone.
Anon
Re:work, I thought maybe an abortion provider or advocate? But that would be somewhat controversial everywhere, not just in red states.
Anonymous
Omg what is wrong with you? You’re making yourself look full on insane here.
Anon
I agree.
Addresses are not hard to find, they’re usually public records from tax or voter rolls.
Anon
Yea in my county, you just need a name in order to find an address on the electronic property tax record system. Very easy for anyone to do. Also if this is a public university your pay rate is FOIA-able and probably your local or student newspaper publishes a database of all employee salaries every year. I don’t believe your address and salary as are private as you think they are.
Anon
Agree. OP needs to take a pill and drop this. Unless your bank account and credit card information was in the email (address and salary are likely public) all you are accomplishing is to come across as a crazy new employee.
Anonymous
Y’all read the OP’s original post about a month back for the full background. She’s gotten threats. She’s been using a PO Box address exclusively but this “error” shared out her real physical address.
Anon
Which is absolutely horrible for her family and her safety, but I still don’t understand what the end game is here. There’s no legal action, she can’t put the genie back in the bottle, no one is getting fired, so what does she want?
Tell Us A Secret!
We haven’t done this in ages! Tell us a secret! If you want to support the person, comment something positive back or commiserate. Remember, secret-tellers are being brave, respond with kindness or at least compassion!
Anonymous
I have been avoiding s3x with the man I have been dating because I don’t want to break off my clandestine no-commitment hookups with a local celebrity. I’d just break it off with this guy but we were matched by friends and socialize together and it is actually a pretty good match outside of the physical. I am pretty certain he is not going to satisfy me in that way and I think I am only interested in a relationship because I am expected to be.
Anon
Break it off with the dating guy. If you don’t want sleep with him, the relationship’s not going to last. Also so curious about the local celeb!
Monday
This would make an amazing novel. I can see your dilemma, but since you’re not into the normal schmoe I hope you can efficiently fade out with him without hurting him, disrupting your social group, or losing your hookup.
Anon
Not quite a secret cause my bffs know, but I’m in the process of starting IUI and becoming a single mother. I’ve finished all the testing, just need to make a final decision on a sperm donor and I’ll start trying with my next cycle.
It’s so scary and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, but I’m 38 and want kids. If my one is out there (and I’m not sure he exists after 20 years of looking), hopefully he will still be the one if I come with a kid or two.
Dr. The Original ...
I don’t know you or your situation, but I keep thinking about what life would be like for this child or other IUI or IVF kids. I have to be honest, I can’t imagine a better world than to spend my whole life knowing that I was so badly wanted that my parent(s) went through such lengths to make me exist. (I think the same about anyone who tries for a baby in any method. I also think the same about people who tell their kids what a welcome surprise they were.)
So many kids grow up being told in words or actions that they weren’t wanted or they hinder the adults, so the idea of living always knowing how wanted you were and are sounds heavenly!
Anon
Two of my closest friends did this. One has happily been a single mother of two for two decades now, and her daughters are thriving and well adjusted.
The second met her now husband while she was very, very pregnant with her first! He adopted the baby at now they’ve had a second.
Anonanonanon
A good friend did this! She has never married after having her baby, but she’s certainly dated, including when she was pregnant.
Anon
My one was out there, and it turns he was the one for me and kiddo in so many ways.
Coach Laura
That is so cool and I’m happy for you (especially if you’re a former regular poster).
I follow a woman who is a SMBC. She has an eclectic background. Born in Germany, raised in the US, an international model in her teens, then medical school in Germany and an MD in the US now and her baby is about a year old. Svikki com and svikkimd on instagram.
Coach Laura
I meant to mention that svikki has extensive posts on the smbc process and her choices.
Anonymous
I’m dating a man with a child from a previous marriage. He and ex wife were battling over custody when we met 3 years ago and I suggested we wait to introduce me to kid and ex wife until they were out of court. They have not had six weeks without an active case, as she has filed multiple modifications. Kid is in elementary school. I fear introducing me is going to make things worse from a custody perspective, but in the last few months, we’re planning to rip the band aid off regardless of court before school starts. Here’s the secret: I have no idea whether I’ll actually stay committed to this relationship once the “drama” directly involved me. (Will kid hate me, will mom try to get me to testify during some custody thing, how will our relationship change now that kid is more involved…). I have a low drama life and although I believe the only way to know is to try, I’m not sure how patient I’ll be with the custody stuff. Really thought it would be over by now.
Anon
You’ve been dating this man for three years and haven’t met his child? And you’ve been dealing with court drama all this time?? Wow!! You sound like a saint.
Anon
You 100% are a Saint because I don’t think I could deal with that long of a custody battle timeline!
anon
Why are you still with this person?
Anonymous
I have colon cancer and no one at my job knows. I had surgery just after I was hired (diagnosed when I got a physical before Cobra kicked in after being laid off at the job prior). I don’t need chemo so far (knock on wood). And now a year later I’m about to change jobs for better health insurance and a position at a larger company where I have people reporting to me on the chance anything changes over the next few years . I love my current team and boss and I am sad to go. It feels awful to have this secret this whole time. But I also didn’t want to look like I tricked them into hiring damaged goods.
Monday
My heart goes out to you, especially if you think your colleagues would consider you “damaged goods.” I know that in many workplaces this is is how it might go though.
Coach Laura
I understand about the “damaged goods” – it’s somewhat like being hired when newly pregnant and not disclosing.
But you have nothing to worry about, you didn’t “trick” them. Any one of us walking this planet could get cancer tomorrow, could have a stroke or heart attack or get in an accident that would affect their job. My employer stuck with me through my lymphoma and bosses have been supportive, but I didn’t get promoted. Possibly I would not have been promoted anyway due to ageism (I’m 60, the guy they picked is 40) but that’s life.
Good luck!
Anonymous
Ooh I’m just catching up now but I have a good one. I just found out that my husband has some pretty kinky s3x desires/fantasies/habits. None of it is illegal, but some of it is what plan vanilla sex having people (ie me) consider super weird. Not weird in that I really don’t DGAF what people do- just that I myself personally am not interested (for me). We’ve been married for over a decade, have 3 kids, the whole thing.
The big deal was the secret of it all. We had a Very Big Talk about it when I found a sex toy randomly. It turned out theere were many, many sex toys and had been for a very long time. I made him own up to it (as in, “this is a thing I do. I think it is normal and therefore will treat it as not a big secret”).
The only thing I’m *not* quite over is what happens if both my husband and I die suddenly and kids or friends go through our stuff and find all his sex stuff. I have seriously considered writing a little note about it and sticking it in the drawer so are kids are not left to wonder. Something to the effect of “this is a thing for some people, your dad was one of those people, yes I knew and was fine with it, i hope you find a partner that accepts you for who you are, too!”.
Anon
Random thought, I wish people were more mindful of language. I’m seeing it everywhere! Men who are tone policing women (“If you would have sounded nicer, I would have done …-the thing that is my job to do-), using words like “crazy” or “OCD” or “tone deaf” as a negative without realizing those are actual medical terms and it’s ableist language, saying someone was “gyp’d or jipped” or saying “no h0mo.”
I know that, for many, this seems small, but it’s all hurtful to people at a time when so many of these communities are already under attack!
Also, when someone corrects the language or explains why something is hurtful, the response of “if you don’t like it, I’ll stop supporting your community” or “why should I support your community if you don’t like how I do it?” is really ridiculous.
Yikes.
Anonymous
Yes please. One in five people have a disability so please learn about ableist slurs. Crazy, dumb etc.
Anonymous
Can you give an example of the latter? I don’t think I have ever seen that.
Dr. The Original ...
I’ve seen this a lot. Like when a man starts getting terminology wrong about women’s reproductive systems on social media and a woman corrects him, he says, “well if you’re going to be nitpicky, I’ll just stop saying anything. Jeez, I was just trying to help, this is why men don’t support women, because nothing we say is ever good enough.”
No, Guy, what you are saying is wrong and someone is being kind to explain to you how to get it right. If you are only willing to speak up when it makes you look good or you are that quick to stop, you were probably performative anyway. If you really support, let the people who know or live it or teach it correct you when you’re wrong and then get it right. Quit threatening not to support groups just because you felt momentarily uncomfortable. Stop making it about you!
(I have seen this with race, with LGBT+, with all sorts of topics and every time, it’s gross. No one has to listen to you spew wrong info.)
Monday
Well said. This is part of white fragility as described by Robin DiAngelo.
Anon
I’ve heard or seen this in so many books and talks. FYI, there is also a lot of issue with Robin as she is a white woman financially benefiting from a career in anti-racism yet she seems to donate nothing back into it. Many in the Black and AA communities see her as someone taking a spotlight that isn’t hers and taking money that should be going to Black/AA authors and their communities.
Monday
https://www.robindiangelo.com/accountability-statement/
She does donate 15% of her annual income, and more info is available at the link.
Anonymous
Be careful with this though. I’m autistic and I’ve had more than one woke warrior tell me to use person first language. Nope, I get to choose how I talk about myself and my own disability.
Anonymous
My kid is autistic, and has had the same experience. They have a strong…dislike…for woke warriors.
Sloan Sabbith
+1 Someone once corrected me about how I referred to myself, a disabled person, on a very public forum. It was embarrassing for me in the way that it was done and also infuriating. I am pro person-first language for others and pro-however each person and community wants to refer to themselves. I have also been told that I’m not disabled, I am differently abled. Eyeroll.
Anon
Honestly, as someone with multiple disabilities, including a previous mental health condition, I have extremely mixed feelings about this. I actually find it pretty offensive that using the word crazy is considered a reference to people with mental health conditions- people with mental health conditions aren’t crazy! Some of these examples seem like things that really should be avoided (saying you’re OCD in a joking way seems to downplay the seriousness of this condition), but in a lot of other examples, it makes me feel like disability is being more stigmatized, like having a disability so bad we shouldn’t even use words that remind us that they exist. With words like dumb, most people don’t even realize that it refers to people who can’t speak. I’d much rather see it continue to be used in the modern sense than to continually emphasize that people who can’t speak are dumb and so therefore dumb is a bad word to say. And there’s nothing wrong with being deaf, so there shouldn’t be anything wrong with using the tone deaf metaphor (and tone deaf isn’t the same as being deaf, anyway). The problem is that we’ve stigmatized disability, and continuing to ride the euphemism treadmill just isn’t that helpful- in a few years we’ll just have more words that are now potentially offensive.
Anonymous
I feel this way about the way gender is handled now. When I was a kid and a “tomboy”, the message was “girls can do and like whatever they want and so can boys.” There was that “William Wants a Doll” song from Free to Be You and Me. Now, it feels like the messaging is “You were assigned female at birth but also like sports so maybe you are not all girl and fall closer to boy on the gender spectrum, even further given your preference for green over pink and budding leadership skills, all things that indicate masculine tendencies and preferences, but it is okay to be kind of a boy and kind of a girl.”
Anon
It is truly ridiculous. The number of parents I know who think their pre-pubescent child is non-binary or tr*ns because they don’t conform to stereotypes is in the double digits. It’s like “Oh Billy was assigned male at birth but he wants to do ballet and loves pink so maybe he identifies as female or non-binary.” No. Some boys just like pink and ballerinas! Let everybody have whatever interests they want. I’m glad I have girls because it seems more socially acceptable for girls to like “boy” stuff without their gender identity being questioned than the other way around.
Anon
That’s not the same thing at all, not even a little bit. Being a tomboy was a girl who liked things or clothing that were typically boy things (sports, not wearing skirts, etc.). Being transgender is who someone is. Completely different. If a child is a tomboy, someone may suggest to the parent that they remain open in case the child is transgender, so that the parents can support whoever the child is. This is life-saving advice for many, it doesn’t mean kids are forced to be someone other than they are. We also realize that ascribing gender to sports or not wearing skirts is problematic too, so the tomboy idea is being reconsidered or replaced with realizing that liking things and not liking other things is not gender-based.
Anonymous
Except…being a tomboy is also who someone is. It’s really the exact same thing, and telling the parent to ‘be open in case the child is transgender’ sends the message that a girl who prefers typically boy things can’t just be a girl who prefers typically boy things, that there might be a ‘reason’ behind it. That line of thinking hyper-focuses on gender norms instead of realizing that gender norms can be problematic in themselves.
Part of letting a kid be who they are is accepting that it’s completely normal for boys to like pink, play with dolls, and dream about being ballerinas, and for girls to play with trucks, like blue, and dream about being a mechanic without them being anything other than kids who like those things.
Anonymous
I agree that the original intent was to address kids who are trans but the implementation feels like it just dug in on gender stereotypes much more. Rather than socializing kids to not associate sports with boys and dolls with girls, I see parents more vigorously genderize things but degender the individual kids. I played all the sports and hated Barbie and other dolls but I never once thought I’d like to have different se× organs or date women. I wanted to play on the boys’ soccer team (since that is all there was back then) and also to be the goalie’s girlfriend. My coach and my parents went out of their way to make the players and other coaches treat me like an equal. I really wonder what kind of messaging I would get today.
Anna
Agree completely. Thank you for expressing and explaining this in such a good way
Anon
I’ve used words to describe myself and my disability and people have corrected me to say the words are offensive. It’s ridiculous.
Sloan Sabbith
Commented on this above. One morning I woke up to sixty plus notifications on Facebook. Someone I we r to law school with had screenshotted a post of mine where I called myself a “disabled person.” They posted it on a very popular local, public “disability justice” page, tagged me, and encouraged people to tell me that I could be a “person before my disability.” Dozens of people I had never met commented to tell me that calling myself a disabled person was “disrespectful to my sense of self,” “internalized ableism,” “holding back other full beings with disabilities who shouldn’t see themselves minimized” and a whole bunch of other horrible comments. Everyone at my internship and school saw it before I got it taken down. I was furious and also humiliated. Six years ago and I’m still pissed. My disability. My choice.
Anonanonanon
Wow. I’m so sorry, Sloan. How could they think that was remotely helpful?
Anon for this one because …
I have mixed feelings about this too. I have no desire to use hurtful language. For instance, there is an R word commonly used to describe things that are stupid and it is offensive to enough people that I have no interest in using it anymore even though I admittedly used it without thinking twice up until a few years ago. I think language evolves this way over time and I am all for it. But there is also a real tendency to overthink language to such a degree now that I think sometimes it misses the bigger issue, as anon at 6:18 point out. My personal solution is to assume people aren’t trying to be offensive and talk about it but not miss the forest for the trees. If someone explains to me why something is hurtful I will try to never use that hurtful word around them again, but I also think it’s important to remember that language is a living thing, we are all trying our best, and not everything needs to be a grievance. And while the response you describe, OP, isn’t one I’ve seen and certainly isn’t a good one, I do strongly believe in coalition building. I think right now there are a lot of people who agree with the things I want politically who are not voting for them or not voting at all in some part at least because the language policing of the most vocal members of my team is such a turn off. So I guess I actually think maybe we are all a little too mindful of language right now to the point that no one is talking or listening.
Anonymous
I’m mom to a disabled child (ASD) and am trying to be more mindful. I’ve explained to several friends why the R word is really bad, and I don’t use words that were legal determinations of incapacity (idiot, moron) but I find “crazy” hard to replace. Can you suggest other words? (“Knucklehead” is a great replacement for generic “acting dumb”.
Anon
I really like the comment above, people with mental health issues aren’t crazy and stopping usage of that word in the name of sensitivity actually adds to the stigma.
Anon
I agree!
Anonymous
Shrug. Don’t care.
Dr. The Original ...
I work in DEI doing consulting and training work, as well as doing keynotes. I cover schools, higher education, and businesses. This covers everything from on-boarding to lunch and learns to ERGs to board member trainings to writing or improving policies and procedures of organizations, etc. I also work with community organizations such as rotaries and community centers and with religious orgs who are open to growing. With the changes in the laws in different states, my work is limited to fewer states than ever which means I need to expand in the states where my work is still legal. That includes international work. I can work remotely or in person.
Although my self-efficacy is fine since I’ve earned my career, my self-esteem isn’t great. I am struggling to expand my network as well as struggling to get more people to pass my resume around to their networks. If anyone has advice on how to do this better or if anyone is kind enough to take my resume and, if they like it, pass it on to their network, I’d really appreciate it. My burner email for those willing to consider my resume is: IAmAnEpicWarrior at g.
Even posting this was hard for me but I am trying to keep growing both personally and professionally so THANK YOU for even reading and considering it!
(As a side note, having been in this community for well over a decade, thank you to those whose advice here has helped me grow and flourish in so many ways. It made me brave enough to post this here and try. Maybe no one will email or respond but I try because I work to emulate the successes and bravery of so many here.)
anon
The fastest way to be a thought leader in this area is to comment on LinkedIn with folks who care about this, who can engage you to do this work. You need to post DAILY on LinkedIn.
Quadra
When do you/have you decided to move to a mid-term firm for better quality of life? Child free, so kids aren’t a driving force, just a slow grinding misery.
At a top-tier firm in my specialized industry, but seriously contemplating a change and grappling with ambition vs happiness.
In a sales role, so also worried about my sourcing ability at top vs mid tier company
helloanon
This is a very personal decision, but your comment re ambition vs happiness stuck out to me. Sometimes we get stuck in a cycle of pursuing the success we think we should want. E.g., all those biglaw lawyers who stay in large law firms, billing tons of hours and sacrificing personal happiness, because they think it’s what success is supposed to look like. Remember that you can define success for yourself and outside the very insular world of “top” firms (regardless of industry), most people don’t understand or care about the difference in prestige. Focus on what makes you happy. For me, that would include an analysis of:
Finances: Are my finances in a place where I feel comfortable stepping back from the larger salary the “top” firm typically provides.
Daily Life: What do I want my daily life to look like? Does my current role give me that? Will the new role give me that?
Future Self: Where do I see myself 5,10, 15 years down the line, personally and professionally? Which role seems likelier to help me get there?
Some of this requires self-reflection, but talking to people working in the mid-tier companies via informational interviews and networking can really help crystallize the trade offs.
Anon
I’m not sure your quality of life would change that much. Law firms need billable hours to generate revenue. I would be very clear on what you are walking into and how compensation is determined.
Anon
Happiness always trumps ambition. The way I see it, your job should provide you with enough money and free time to enjoy your life. As in, have enough money from your job to hire a cleaning service when needed to free up your time. If your job isn’t providing that right now, then it makes sense to leave.
MagicUnicorn
Low stakes question. Does anyone have a reusable or refillable foaming hand soap dispenser that they like? Definitely want a foaming one.
I like Method foaming hand soap but the dispensers never last beyond a refill, maybe two if I am really lucky, before they stop working. I usually end up buying a store brand foaming hand soap and using that dispenser because it lasts for several months. Ideally I would love a dispenser that isn’t meant to be single use. Thanks!
anon
Following. Maybe post again on Monday in hopes of more responses?
Anonymous
I’ve been using a cheapo Bath and Body Works foaming soap bottle for several years now. After it emptied the first time, I started mixing my own foaming soap and refilling. (2 parts water to 1 part liquid soap) It’s not meant to be refilled, but …
Anon
Same
Anonymous
I don’t know how it handles foaming soap, but for all other soaps I’ve tried I love the Muji dipensers. Plain, simple, workhorses for years.
Anonymous
Just checked the Muji page and they do have a refill bottle pump top that is specifically for foaming soap.
Anonymous
I have an automatic foaming soap dispenser for my kid. It is amazing but it is in the shape of a penguin. Once my current Method dispenser quits working I plan on buying another automatic dispenser
shananana
Grove sells a refillable foaming soap dispenser.
Annie Q
For the poster who is bickering a lot with her bf after moving in with him: My first year of marriage was awful. We fought often and we were both irritated with the other a lot. I only hung on because I was embarrassed to get divorced before my first anniversary. We really worked on our problems though. We would both show irritation but always say that nothing was wrong. We started asking each other, OK, but if something were bothering you, what would it be? We started taking a breather during a fight to state the other person’s view as respectfully as possible, without agreeing to it. Those strategies might not be useful to others at all but the point is to try to stick it out while also trying to find better ways to deal with what is bothering each of you. My husband and I were married for 29 years until he died in 2018, so if your first year is difficult that doesn’t mean it won’t work.
Convert
My thanks to those who have been commenting favorably about Old Navy lately. I was skeptical, but checked it out today and purchased two pairs of linen blend pants, two tanks, two t-shirts, and two t-shirt dresses with pockets. All seem better quality than what I’ve been buying at Nordstrom Rack. I’m quite pleased with my haul!
Negotiating with home seller
Does anyone have good tips for negotiating with a homeowner to cover the cost of issues found during the home inspection? I got a home inspection and a subsequent foundation inspection (a free foundation inspection, not a paid engineer) quoted $6k worth of foundation work. The (paid) home inspection identified repairs needed to a dryer vent, service needed to a decade old HVAC, plus a bunch of minor repairs that are certain to add up. I’m buying this off market and the agent managing the deal is acting as the seller’s rep. Suddenly feeling out of my depth here.
Tips?
The foundation, HVACand dryer vent are my biggest concerns. Appreciate (and need!) any help!
Anon
It’s all market dependent- if you’re somewhere where it’s a buyers market you can ask for a reduction in the sale price. If it’s not, then you just have information about what repair work you have in front of you and some quotes.
Cat
Market dependent.
If a hot market where other buyers are happily lining up, you now have a forecast for upcoming expenses but nothing more.
If a market where you have leverage, you have two choices, either have the sellers remediate, or ask for a reduction in the purchase price. While having the sellers remediate can be appealing (their mess, their problem), they will also be highly motivated to do the project in the cheapest, fastest possible way… so beware the quality of the repair you’ll now be purchasing.
Anon
I would like to start lighting candles at home to add a light, clean, and calming scent. For candle aficionados, what is the best price-to-quality value candle brand? I don’t need super cheap but I also don’t want to spend $$$.
Anon
My favorite is the Capri Blue Volcano scent. I feel like it’s a good mid-range price. They’re not cheap, but also not like Jo Malone prices either.
JMills
If you’re still reading, Voluspa is my favorite with that ratio, but also Nest and Archipelago.