Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I know we juuust had two very pink recommendations on Thursday and Friday, but: Pantone has just announced that the color of the year for 2023 will be magenta. So now is a great time to pick up some of those darker pink pieces that are still on sale from this past season.
The pictured CeCe top is one we’ve featured a bunch before because it’s a great basic for both work and play; select colors including this one are down to $48.
(There are lots of lucky sizes for a few other pieces, all on sale — more CeCe tops and dresses, Sam Edelman coats, Dress the Population dresses, and a few cute Nic & Zoe toppers.) If you’re looking for lipstick, I just got this NYX one that really does not budge and is both bold and flattering (“Another Level”) — this Glossier lipstick in “Jam” is also very magenta-y on me but much more of a buildable shade.
Readers, in general do you try to buy things that are the “color of the year” to make your wardrobe feel more on trend — or is it that you just can’t avoid the color in stores since so many brands will use that color as an accent? (Last year’s Color of the Year was lavender.) I always love to pair magenta with navy and gray, with accents like orange, red, or pastel blue — what are your favorite ways to wear magenta?
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Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – 40% off dresses & tops
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns
I applied for a dream job and interviewed Wednesday. It went very well, and the hiring manager (who I’d be working for directly) said, “You’ll hear from me very soon.” I’ve had good references who work there and directly with the hiring manager who have all put in a good word. I know a better fit may have interviewed after me (I believe they’re going through today), but I feel that I’ve done everything possible.
Except now I can’t stop obsessing and staring at my phone! The weekend will be rough. I have been playing Spiritfarer for the last few weeks and am about to finish it. (I’ve already played Unpacking and Stardew Valley and loved both.) I’ve got a few audiobooks downloaded, but they’re all kind of heavy.
Any fun and mindless ideas to distract me?
I can’t recall why I went with some Romanov YouTube videos over Thanksgiving, but b/w them and the Tudors, I can’t really stop and don’t want to.
Doing things out of the house and/or off your phone are good distractions: Christmas market, going to look at lights, making Christmas cookies, cooking something involved, deep cleaning your house, going through your closet and pulling out anything unwanted, dinner/brunch/coffee with girlfriends…
Fingers crossed for you!
Take-your-mind-off it ideas:
– pick up a new thriller to read or watch
– plan something with your funniest friend (you’ll be laughing too hard to check your phone)
– hike, weather permitting
I’m going through the job hunting process right now and it’s so hard. After an interview I apply to more jobs to distract myself!
Get a COVID booster? That knocked me out for a weekend. Sweet nap city.
I had no side effects from the bivalent booster. Didn’t even notice it.
Dr. The Original ...
FYI, “church jeans,” I don’t think of you by that moniker, I think of you as “[email protected]$$” and I am so excited to hear your posts about how you’re safe and then how you’re decorating your new home and then how you’re wearing blue nail polish and scrunchies and anything else you [email protected] well please to church or anywhere else you want.
Even if you’re not yet in a place to know you’re a [email protected]$$, please know that there are many with fancy degrees and credentials in many top fields and lots of awards and other credentials here… we can’t unanimously agree on much yet we all agree you are amazing. Until you know it, please trust us. <3
Yes, this! It also occurred to me that churches that are LGBT friendly might also be able to provide the support you need in extricating yourself from your current congregation.
I agree with everything in this post!
This looks just like the shirt from yesterday!
I have great pair of suede shoes but the inside lining has cracked and peeling. it’s pretty extensive. Is there any way to salvage?
A cobbler can easily replace the insoles, but I’m guessing the rest of the lining would be harder to repair.
Get recs for a good cobbler in your town. It’s impossible to say without seeing the shoe’s materials and how it was constructed. Some can be relined and some can’t, but a cobbler will be able to take a look and tell you if it’s possible and reasonable without dismantling the shoe.
Try a leather moisturizer first? Cobbler would be able to best assess though.
it’s the whole lining inside and i think it’s plastic, but I’ll try to stay with a good shoe guy
I love hot pink, but this isn’t “Viva Magenta.”
I’m confused about the Pantene color because some of the Pantene graphics seem to represent a cool tone color that I might call magenta, but all the solid block examples look like a warmer shade of what I would call geranium.
Agree.the tree graphic looks like this top and is more what I think of as magenta.
Thank you! The 2023 magenta color is nothing like this top (which I totally love, btw).
All I can think is that “viva” means “spicy” or something and implies a warmer tone. “Magenta, but not!”
The Pantone announcement looks like raw meat. But also, the whole color of the year thing is just more hype in a media-saturated time. It’s best to ignore it. It means nothing.
Well, it used to mean that I could actually find products available in the Pantene colors.
But I looked everywhere for very peri, and found very little! I’m not sure if it’s because it’s in the purple spectrum and purple isn’t thought to sell, or if the supply chain issues mean that it doesn’t bear much relation to what will be in stores anymore.
I just happened to be looking at this!
There is a Pantone color release every year. They have been doing it since 1962. Pantone colors are used by graphic designers in the palettes of every digital and print graphic you see. That is the purpose.
I swear, I’m so over the constant media bashing sometimes. With all the Gannett layoffs, maybe we can chill a bit on all the your industry means nothing talk.
I’m sorry, I had no intention of bashing your industry. My experience of the Pantone color of the year is that it has been hyped directly to consumers for the past decade or so, which is totally different from a professional graphic designer keeping up to date. I’m sorry that media is going through such upheaval and consolidation right now, and I want you to have stability and opportunities.
Today I learned. So interesting.
I disagree. I like the color of the year. I think it’s fun. Just because you don’t enjoy it doesn’t have to mean everyone else needs to ignore it.
Dating in the 30s is hard
Dating in mid to late 30s question:
Connected with a man via social media, we had a couple of hours of messaging where we laid out our dealbreakers, goals, etc. to see if we aligned (weirdly a common first deep conversation in dating as no one wants to waste their time). We discovered alignment and also we both have big deal jobs so no issues with some of the roadblocks of my past when dating guys who didn’t like my being so educated or working hard. He asked for my number. I suggested he call me via the app (I felt weird giving my number to a stranger). He called Mon night (unexpected when a man calls especially without a message first asking if it’s okay to call) and we chatted for an hour and had easy conversations about easy topics. Call ended when he had to enter a meeting. He messaged later that we should definitely talk more often. I agreed. Tues I sent him a quick note, which he saw and didn’t respond to. Wed nada. Last night I felt confused by it but tried to sound breezy so I sent him a note that I’d been busy and wasn’t sure if it was my turn to call out of the blue but thought I’d say hi. This morning he saw it and responded, “you just call when you feel like it, it’s not that complicated.”
He lives 4 hrs away (we connected by proximity when he was traveling through, which we figured out on the phone). We are both road trip people who work remotely, so if it worked, that’d be no issue, but it’s not as easy right now as just asking to meet for coffee tomorrow or something.
I come from a background of low self-esteem and always chasing the guy, which I don’t want to do again. I can’t tell if this guy is not so interested because he isn’t chasing or if this is just how emotionally adults date. How do I discern if he’s interested and not come off too needy or make him not feel like he should make effort if he is interested?
Interested men pursue, disinterested men do not. You’ll know when it’s right. This isn’t the guy for you.
Disinterested means objective or unbiased
I used to chase men as well, and have learned the hard way, “If he wanted to, he would”. Please don’t let his lack of pursuit affect your feelings about yourself. He’s just not suitable.
Nope. He’s a weirdo who lives 4 hours away.
This is why I never talk to a guy much before meeting in person. If he was interested he’d be talking to you. Sorry!
I find his reply text to you rude! I would never send that to someone I liked, who was asking about calling me. Even if he is interested, he’s doing some kind of neg thing. Pass.
That was my reaction, too. Like, there’s a flirty and open way to respond to your last note, or there’s a way to make it feel like a weird lecture. He opted for the second way…
I also find his reply to you to be rude. I couldn’t help but think of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” while reading this.
Let this guy go. I would also put way less effort into a guy before meeting him in person. You aren’t really going to know if he’s comfortable with smart, successful women until you see how he behaves around you any way.
That was a really rude, snarky reply on his part. Pass.
Maybe not? I know some folks on the spectrum and to them, this would just be a practical thing to point out. This person may just be saying the truth without a lot of fluff.
He may not be the guy for you still, but I am now not dismissing things as rude the way I used to.
I mean, this could be true, but she has nothing else to go on at this point because it’s all he replied and has been silent otherwise. Short of still chatting along to him, and waiting to see if he shares that he’s on the spectrum but really likes her, I don’t know what else she can do.
Working around someone’s communication difficulties can’t happen before you’ve even met, or with only one person making an effort.
Whatever it’s still rude and I wouldn’t sign up for that.
No we’re not playing this game when discussing a romantic possibility. At work? Sure, give people the benefit of the doubt because you don’t what to discriminate. You do not owe a stranger you’re trying to date the same level of consideration. When you see a red flag you walk, you don’t twist yourself in knots making excuses for him.
Nope, not worth your time sis!
An unscheduled call from someone I’d never met/spoken to except over text would not be for me. Then after that call you had to message him twice to get a mediocre (and kinda rude?) response.
I think some guys will string along a woman who does the “chasing” because it strokes their ego for a while, then once you’re getting attached they break it off. Not worth the hassle, move onwards and upwards!
I am going to disagree with everyone and say that it is you that is being weird. You are just starting to talk about maybe meeting someone who lives 4 hours away. A relationship of that nature takes a while to build and I would never expect to talk with someone in that situation on the daily. There is nothing at all odd or negative to me about there being three days in between phone calls. His message back was not rude, it was a response to you making it weird like you need to text before calling and too much time had passed (3 days?! for people who barely know each other, may or may not meet, live 4 hours apart, and both have big jobs). Why not just give him a call next week or over the weekend and see what you get back? You will hardly look like you are chasing him unless you keep trying to accelerate things unnecessarily. Also, I fail to respond to text messages all the time when they come in at an inconvenient time/when I am already messaging with someone else and there is nothing on my phone that reminds me there is an unanswered text. This may not work out but it hasn’t even been a week. Slow your roll.
If someone wrote to me, after one conversation and not replying to my messages, ‘you just call when you feel like it, it’s not that complicated’ that’d be a no for me. I find his message is rude AND patronizing.
Correct, interested men pursue. But taking a turn and calling him isn’t chasing him. It’s literally only a phone call. You’ll know immediately by the tone in his voice if he’s interested or not.
What about the tone of his text when she asked about calling him? I think calling despite that degree of coldness would be chasing.
What I’m saying is a 15 second call back will 100% tell OP if the guy is interested or not. If there was a winky face after the message, the whole tone would be different, right? I think it’s worth 15 seconds. Then move on if he’s a prick.
Every time I’ve asked this question, it turned out other person wasn’t interested in me.
I generally agree with the advice that interested people pursue (from both sides, imo), and the message he sent you was rude.
I’ve said this here before, but what distinguished my now-husband from other guys I had dated before him was that I did not have to worry where I stood, or whether not he was really interested in me, after the first date. He was not creepy or pushy but he was definitive – he would call me; he would make plans; he would bring up next steps in the relationship. He was the one who brought up living together. I never sat there wondering if he was into me, or not, or where this was going, or what were we, etc. I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend and he was in it, 100%. I don’t believe in writing people off too early, but if I was OP, I’d drop my end of the rope and if the guy doesn’t pick it up – there’s her answer.
Cool cool but what application does this have to a situation in which these are internet strangers who spoke once three days ago and live 4 hours apart and both have big jobs? If he had called every single night between Monday and Friday you would all still be saying he is a creep and it’s a good thing he lives 4 hours away. Sometimes I think people here just want the single women to stay single.
I’m apparently in the minority but if I were the guy and you literally asked “is it my turn to call out of the blue” I would take that as criticism of the earlier talk and would be totally turned off. (Plus, this week has been totally insane for me, so I would not want to be apologetic about your perceived lack of attention AND your perceived dislike of the timing of the earlier call.)
yeah I think OP made it weird with her “out of the blue” comment. it reads as criticism not flirtation to me.
either way seems like very different communication styles so I would move on.
He’s Just Not that Into You changed my life. If you haven’t read it, do. Also, The Rules. In sum: if a guy isn’t calling, who cares what the reason is, that tells you all you need to know.
The rules gets so much flack but the message I took from it, to treat myself like I was the prom queen and forget any dude who wasn’t interested, saved me so much anguish.
His wife caught him texting you.
Yeah. He had to walk into a “meeting” at night after you spoke? I think the meeting was putting his kids to bed or going to bed with his wife.
You can reply:
“Just text me like a normal person, it’s not that complicated”
Dump and block. And don’t chat on the phone before you meet, it makes you feel more invested than you should be. This guy is a jerk, his response to you was rude after ignoring you. That tells you everything you need to know. Dating should be easy and amazing and if you haven’t even met yet and it’s this bad, bye boy.
PS – you don’t even need to say anything. Just block him wherever he’s contacting you. This is the time to ghost.
I need to up the hydration factor of my beloved daytime moisturizer (Aveeno Positively Radiant). Anyone have a facial oil they recommend for mixing in?
The Ordinary marula oil is my ride or di e. Bonus is that it’s cheap. I usually layer over my moisturizer at night and wake up glowing. I have sensitive, acne-prone skin.
I like The Ordinary Rose Hip Oil – I also apply at night mostly. Sometimes I put a drop or two in daytime moisturizer in the winter months.
I think squalane is supposed to do help your skin hold onto moisture – but I apply it first, not mix it in. I bought this one a few years ago –
Timeless Skin Care Squalane Oil 100% Pure – 2 oz – Lightweight, Plant-Based Dry Oil – Improves Skin Elasticity & Radiance – Regulates Oil Production – All Skin Types, Including Acne-Prone Skin https://a.co/d/aiZJx0R
Splash some water and Vitamin c serum and aveeno positively radiant with spf. Maybe eye cream if I remember.
Evenings are Shea moisture black soap, no 7 youth serum and eye cream, neutrogena aha moisturizer and cerVe cream in winter.
Anyone want to do a skincare thread? I’ll start!
AM: (directly after shower)
– Clinique Even Better Brighter Essence Lotion (watery lotion)
– Clinique Even Better Clinical dark spot corrector + interrupter serum
– The Inkey List Caffeine eye cream
– Clinique Pep-Start eye cream
– Clinique Even Better skin tone correcting moisturizer SPF 20
PM: (after makeup removal/face wash)
– Clinique Turnaround Revitalizing lotion (watery lotion)
– R.E.M. Beauty Brow Boosting serum
– Clinique Even Better Clinical dark spot corrector + interrupter serum
– The Inkey List retinol eye cream
– Clinique All About Eyes eye cream
– Clinique Turnaround Overnight moisturizer
Occasionally I will use Clinique Moisture Surge as a moisturizer if staying in or after a second shower. Clearly, I’m pretty loyal to Clinique but would love hearing what others’ routines are! I’m 30 and I’ve been using this routine for several years now and I’m happy with it so far.
Do you really do all of this every day? Is this typical?
My routine (49 y.o.):
Nights: sometimes CeraVe cleanser; sometimes nothing; every couple of weeks – Herbivore Blue Tansy 3-part regimen; when I have a blemish, either a blemish sticker or some sulfur mask dabbed on or some Differin dabbed on if I forget the other things before I crawl into bed
I think the best thing I ever did for my skin was to wear sunglasses I guess I am a person of habits but not of routines
Does your face not feel tight and dry going with nothing all day??
Not that poster, but I almost often don’t put anything on my face and it doesn’t feel tight and dry? I wear moisturizer with SPF in the late spring and summer any day I’m leaving my house (which isn’t every day, I WFH) but I don’t bother from about Oct-March unless I’m going to be spending a significant amount of time outside. I wear sunglasses and a hat if I’m going to be outside for extended periods of time and my car has UV protection tinting.
Not the OP but mine would not, especially if I didn’t wash it. I have somewhat oily skin and am 46. I wash with Cerave in the shower (oily skin flavor), then use Paula’s choice BHA lotion and Resist oil-absorbing sunscreen. I don’t regularly wear make-up. I usually do nothing at night; sometimes I use Bioderm micellar water to “cleanse” if I’m feeling ambitious. If I wear makeup I do wash it off. If I wash my face at night it will sometimes feel dry, especially in the winter, and then I have a different Paula’s Choice moisturizer I use.
It does not. We must have very different skin. I have only ever used a lotion on my face during the day after serious windburn in the winter.
So no SPF? How old are you?
No. I’ve never used sunscreen except occasionally on my hands when stuck in traffic in the summertime and sometimes at the beach (I definitely would now but it’s been a while and certainly don’t advocate skipping it for anyone). I am 49. I stand by the sunglasses, but I may also just have been lucky.
Yes, I do this every day. It’s my self care and only takes a few minutes.
To be clear, I was not criticizing you. I am more in awe of the self care. And it certainly sounds to me like it would take more than a few minutes, but I trust that it is simpler than I think.
I’m with you. I’m late 30s and my routine is Dove soap plus moisturizer on an as-needed basis. No complaints.
No kidding! My skin care routine is whatever soap I’m using that week and SPF 15 moisturizer in the morning and “hopefully I washed it” at night.
-Tatcha Rice Wash, sometimes followed with Rice Polish enzyme powder
-Dr Dennis Gross acid peel sometimes, or I do a daily acid like the Youth to the People one
-Fresh kombucha essence
-Skinceuticals c e ferulic
-Tatcha water cream moisturizer (probably won’t repurchase, I liked the Bobbi Brown face base better)
-Kora organics eye cream (I think celebrity brands are cringy but this works well for me and I’ve repurchased)
-Supergoop unscreen sunscreen
-Tatcha oil cleanser if wearing makeup
-Tatcha Rice wash
-px .05% tretinoin on work nights since I don’t care if I’m a little dull/flakey at work, skipped on weekends
-Augustinus Bader rich cream
-Kora eye cream
-sometimes a face oil or overnight mask for “slugging”
-red light therapy mask thing, idk if it works but it looks funny and scares my bf
*mid 30s, oily acne-prone skin w/ no wrinkles but also get botox ;)
I have a similar routine. FYI only: I’m not sure what light therapy mask you have, but they are generally supposed to be used on clean, bare skin.
Am using some lines from my esthetician whom has been a miracle worker on my skin, but is obviously pricier than drugstore. I have rosacea and have had problem skin my whole life (prior to this change to rosacea, oily and acne prone from 13-37), so a regular skin care routine has been my life forever. Pro to that, regular compliments from skincare people on how healthy and young looking my skin is now. My friend and I joke that if our skin isn’t shiny when we head to bed we are missing a step :
AM: Purity cleanser from philosophie
– currently trying Hyrdropeptide probiotic toner
– green envee vitamin C cream
– Hydropeptide daily drench hylauronic acid
– green envee nourish moisturizer
– origins eye zing
PM: purity cleanser again
I do skin cycling, so after that
day one is redefining serum from hydropeptide for exfoliation followed by hydro-lock moisture mask
day two is nimni cream (retinol and collagen) followed by hydro-lock moisture mask
Day three and four are green envee Flora elixir oil (jojaba and various other oils) followed by hydro lock moisture mask
whatever sample eye cream I am currently using up.
Say more about the two eye creams in the morning – how are they different/what do they do?
I have hereditary dark undereye circles, so I got the caffeine one to see if it would help. It’s not moisturizing/hydrating though and says on the tube that it’s to be considered a step 1 treatment and needs to be followed up with a step 2 moisturizer.
oily/ance prone mid 30s
-Vichy normaderm cleanser (when needed, sometimes just water)
-The Ordinary Niacidimide and zinc
-(winter only): Pai the Anthemis
-Elta MD clear or tinted
-Garnier micellar water for makeup removal
-Neutrogena Hydroboost cleanser
-(winter): Pai the Anthemis / (summer): Kiehls avocado eye treatment (eyes + any needed spots on face)
3x week: Differin gel, forehead only; the ordinary granactive retinoid on neck, decolletage and back of hands
spot treatment as needed: clean and clear salicylic acid astringent (applied with qtip only on needed spot). I know the clean and clear gets a lot of flack for being harsh, but as a spot treatment it has worked amazingly for me since I was 14.
Occasional: kiehls tumeric mask, Weleda skin food
43 yrs old, normal skin
– wash with CeraVe bar soap
– Supergoop SPF
– Sunday Riley CEO Vit C Serum
– The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factors + HA lotion
– wash with CeraVe bar soap
– Sunday Riley Good Genes
– Sunday Riley Sleeping Night Oil
~ every 4 mos or so alternating Botox with Xeomin for my 11s
you do the supergoop before the serum and lotion? which supergoop product are you using? I have the daily moisturizer/spf jar one (mostly use in summer) and I apply it last.
I use Unseen! Love it. It feels like a pore minimizer in texture to me.
Older Gen X
I do more than some of you and less than others. My routine is not anything exciting.
I am just coming in to recommend very, very strongly that everyone wear sunscreen on their face and neck every single day rain or shine. I am 55 and I cannot tell you how much of a difference it will make over the course of your life. I was always religious about sunscreen on the face, but not my neck and I can definitely tell the difference.
And hands! Especially if you spend a lot of time driving. Good lord my hands are frightful and look like they belong to someone else.
How high of SPF?
30 at least
Older Gen X
I wear 30 because anything higher tends to make my face (and the rest of me) break out in small, itchy bumps.
If I am going to be outside, I wear a hat. And I always wear sunglasses.
Agree on the hands! Now I know why women used to wear gloves. When I put my sunscreen on my face, I tend to add some to the backs of my hands and tops of my forearms, but much of the damage is done.
-cleanser (currently Allies of Skin due to a bday present, but normally, Cerave SA cleanser)
-vitamin C (I alternate between the Timeless one for $20 and the way pricier Skinceuticals CE Ferulic)
-eye cream (trying one with ginseng, hoping for brightening effects)
-SPF (I get all my SPF from website that sell K-beauty or J-beauty items, currently using the Biore)
-cleansing balm (Naturium)
-cleanser (same as morning)
-just opened the Byoma hydrating serum with squalane this week, but I usually use Laneige cream skin refiner
-tretinoin (Apostrophe prescription with Azelaic acid)
-moisturizer (Currently Peach Slices snail mucin oil free lotion)
once a week, I exfolaite with a AHA/BHA combo toner from peach slices. I don’t use tret that night.
I consider my somewhat of a skincare nerd and enjoy trying different products and follow a few derms and skincare enthusiasts on social media who recommend products.
I don’t wear make up, but I have a lot of acne scars and am genetically predisposed to dark circles. One side of my family ages beautifully, the other like rotten fruit and I am predictably somewhere in the middle so far.
45 years old, combination skin that is getting drier over time as I age
Morning: Eucerin Daily Protection SPF 30. That’s it.
Evening: (I shower at night)
I wash my face with whatever happens to be around – body wash, shampoo, etc. I try not to use bar soap because it’s so drying, but I will use it in a pinch if I have to. Since I don’t usually wear makeup (especially eye makeup) I don’t really have to worry about removing anything. On the rare occasions I do wear makeup I take it off with Simple Sensitive Skin wipes before I shower.
Then after showering:
3 days a week: AcneFree adapalene gel, then Perricone High Potency Classics Face Finishing and Firming moisturizer.
The remaining days of the week I just use the Perricone moisturizer. I have some little pots of the Cold Plasma serum and Cold Plasma Hydrating Complex I got for free when I ordered the moisturizer. Sometimes I’ll put that on under my eyes and around my mouth, but usually I forget.
I have some sheet masks (I keep getting them as gifts) that seem to be from random Korean skincare brands and every once in awhile, I’ll put one of those on before a night out, but I don’t use them regularly. I have used Peter Thomas Roth acid peel pads in the past but they started feeling kind of harsh for my skin so I quit using them.
Objectively, my skin is great. I get compliments all the time. No one thinks I am in my mid-40s; everyone thinks I am 35 at the outside. Which is nice, because I struggled with my skin for a lot of years (hormonal acne). I am pretty convinced at this point that good skin is about what you put in your insides (i.e., healthy foods) and getting plenty of exercise and sleep, vs. buying products and putting them on the outside. The hormonal acne got much better as I got past 40, but the rest of my skin issues (dullness, mottling, bags under the eyes) got fixed when I fixed my lifestyle habits. I also think good genetics has a lot to do with it – I didn’t inherit dark undereye circles from my parents, for example. I don’t have rosacea or eczema on my face. I got pretty lucky.
I posted the other day about having a big rosacea eruption. Here’s my current skincare and it seems to be working – no new pustules and red marks are fading:
PM : glow recipe papaya balm cleanser and a washcloth.
Rx metronidazole gel
After a pause, the Inkey List Azelaic acid
Curology rich moisturizer
AM: Curology gentle cleanser or la Roche Posay Toleraine hydrating cleanser
Origins Mega Mushroom Relief and Reslilience (it’s liquid like a toner. I pat it in.
Naturium Azelaic Acid 10%. This is like a serum and sits better under makeup than the Inkey list.
Bobbi Brown vitamin enriched face cream and eye cream to prep for makeup
I have a curology Rx of tretinoin, azaleic acid, and niacinimide, but I stopped it because I wasn’t sure whether the tretinoin was making the rosacea worse. I’m well acclimated to it so that’s not the issue. They’re sending me a new mix of ivermectin, azelaic acid, and metronidazole. I will replace the night routine with this. I’m exited to see whether it works.
I’m seeing my dermatologist Monday!! Finally!
I typed such a long response on my iphone and I don’t know where it went!
I posted recently about an unprecedented rosacea breakout and weird conflicting advice from a new-to-me dermatologist and my PCP. Fortunately, I’m seeing my regular derm on Monday! I’ve been waiting a long time for thsi appointment.
Prior to this breakout I was using a custom formula from Curology that contained tretinoin, azaleic acid, and niacinimide. I’ve been using it for years and am well acclimated, but I felt that continuing to use tretinoin while my skin was so inflamed was a bad idea, so I’ve dropped it for now. I did an online consultation with the NP at Curology, and they’re sending me a new formula with ivermectin, azaleic acid, and metronidazole, which I’m excited for, as I’ve never tried ivermectin/soolantra (which will be helpful if my rosacea is related to demodex in any way, and is supposed to be anti-inflammatory regardless.)
For now, my breakout has calmed down, no new pustules, just the old ones healing. My current routine is:
Glow Recipe papaya balm cleanser
the inkey list Azelaic acid 10%
wait, then Curology Rich moisturizer
I use a sample of Bobbi Brown intensive eye cream if I feel the moisturizer is not enough for my eye area, which tends to be drier
Curology lip balm, and then Laneige lip sleeping mask right before bed most nights
(you didn’t ask about non-facial skin, but I also put lotion on my legs, feet, and arms before bed)
A light wash with either the curology gentle cleanser or La Roche Posay Toleriane Hydrating Cleanser (kept in the shower)
Origins Mega-Mushroom relief, which is like a toner, very liquid. I pat it on. This was recommended on Sali Hughes’s instagram and I really think it’s helping with calming my skin
Naturium Azelaic acid – this is like a serum, and I like it better than the inkey list one for under makeup
Wait for that to dry slightly, then Bobbi Brown vitamin enriched face base and eye base, for under makeup
I’m trying not to pile a bunch of concealer on my red areas, but it’s really necessary for meetings, unfortunately.
Thanks for sharing yours, everyone, lots of things to check out!
Really surprised at the people who do nothing. Do you also not wear makeup?
I’m one of the ones who said I do nothing except SPF and I don’t wear makeup, never have. Wore like lip gloss and mascara for prom and my wedding but on a daily basis nothing. I had my makeup done professionally once and thought I looked super ugly. Just a fresh faced kind of person I guess.
I do nothing really. I just use moisturizer in the morning, something from Clinique I think. I wash my face in the shower w foaming face wash. I wear makeup. I don’t bother taking it off at night. I’m 48 and have really good natural skin. Runs in my family. None of my female relatives do anything either.
I am the original “do nothing ng” poster and I wear makeup every two me ai leave the house I know I should be more careful about. removed ng it but sometimes I do not.
I see Shots! Shots! Shots! is back.
I wear makeup. Most days I remember to remove it with micellar water. I put sunscreen on under my foundation, but other than that, I don’t really use any of the products I’ve bought.
Oh, if my skin gets dry I do put some moisturizer on it. But it’s just whatever semi-nice moisturizer I have on hand from a sample box or a gift set or whatever.
I am so impressed by how organized and effortful others are. I am sure my skin would look brighter and happier if I did these things religiously, but I don’t get zits (which I know is luck), and my skin tends to get more unhappy the more I do. So, I try to do less.
almost 46, dryish skin but mostly clear:
shower days (2x a week):
wash face with Kate Somerville exfoliating wash (green)
put Paula’s Choice BHA toner on chin/nose, Vitamin C everywhere, Clinique yellow moisturizer, sunscreen in summer
if I have makeup on, I remove my eyemakeup before sleep but don’t otherwise wash my face
if I’m thinking about it I’ll try to sleep with either an acid or trentinoin on my skin at night (and then wash my face in the morning), but i haven’t been too great about that lately.
I sometimes try to do an acid mask before a shower also depending on time. i need to go to sephora sometime to play with CC+ cream/tinted sunscreen for winter.
Am: neutrogena face wash in shower, moisturizer with 50SPF
PM: remove makeup, wash face as above.
-wash face with water, add a small dot of Cerave foaming cleanser if needed (ef if I had mineral oil on face)
-Paula’s Choice Peptide Serum
-Eucerin urea 5% day cream or cream with azelaic acid
-makeup (MAC Studio Fix foundation, powder, cheeks, mascara, eyeshadows are optional)
-Eucerin Aquaphore cream for lips
-Bioderma Sensibio micellar water to remove make-up
-Cerave foaming cleanser
-Paula’s Choice Peptide serum
-Eucerin Urea 5% cream
-La Roche Posay Cicaplast cream
-Eucerin Aquaphor cream for lips and under eyes, any random dry patches
-on nights when I don’t use tretinoin, I apply Paula’s Choice Vit C 25% cream
Forgot to mention I am 38, combination skin with active acne, minimal wrinkles, sensitive, pale as a wall
Dr. The Original, thinking of you and your job hunt.
Dr. The Original ...
You’re the best… they moved the interview to next Fri so there’s that. Have a preinterview panel call (why is that a thing?!) for another job on Thurs but that job pays literally half so it’s good to have people interested but wow do I want this Fri interview job. No clue how many 2nd interviews they are doing nor if there’s someone internally they already want, but they did say there was a gap in the role right now as someone was promoted and their replacement left for maternity leave and then quit, so if they had someone internally they probably would have moved them up already? I dunno, no sense in guessing, I suppose, but man is it hard to lie to myself about how much I want this job!!
PS After posting the other day about splurges we want, I thought about splurging on one of mine- Jeni’s cream puff ice cream via delivery (it’s not in stores near me anywhere, I’ve called to ask)… but my apt. freezer isn’t working and now I’m fighting with the complex to replace it so I’m telling myself that I can’t have Jeni’s because I am saving karma points for this job– so yeah, I’ve full out lost all logic here LOL
My fingers are crossed for you!
Why don’t shoe companies offer multiple widths any more? My new narrow Stuart Weitzmans were just delivered. When I tried them on I was amazed to remember how great it feels to wear shoes that actually fit, where my feet don’t slide forward and the heels don’t slip off. SW is the last manufacturer to offer narrow sizes in a handful of styles that aren’t frump city. I resent that I have to spend that much money just to get shoes that fit, and I don’t know what I’ll do when they inevitably stop making narrow sizes. Ugh.
I have duck feet (formerly narrow; family is mainly women with 9.5N feet). There are no shoes. Eventually we will just wear Birkenstocks with socks thick enough to make them not wobble.
I am with you! I need a wide in certain styles (like a point) but medium in others. Wide is still hard to find, though not nearly as hard as narrow. My MIL needs a 7 narrow and it so hard to find. We went to a bridal shower earlier this year and her poor feet basically slide thru her sandals by the end of the event bc they were too wide.
It is so hard for me to believe there is not a market for wide and narrow shoes in basic pumps, loafers, and boots in black, nude and blue.
Exactly. Manufacturers could make so much money by offering sizes that fit!
Paging Vicky Ausin
Saw you asked for an update on the coworker / broken stovetop situation.
I have… done nothing beyond deciding that I am not letting coworkers stay again! She proactively addressed the items she was aware of and apologized and offered to pay (I have ignored this offer because it makes me feel uncomfortable to accept without bringing up the other items), I checked in on the partner to see if anything felt off (which it didn’t), and I think the rest of it was an “age and stage” lifestyle thing where she’s still renting / has cheap furniture / lives with a roommate and isn’t careful around things in the same way that you are when you own your own home and possessions. DH remains very upset about the whole situation, and if she wasn’t a coworker I would have addressed it differently, but I can’t see how to handle it in a way that isn’t going to be weird at work.
I’m also the Anon poster whose parents moved to Alaska if we’re doing updates! Parents are still there, no visits from us for Thanksgiving/Christmas, but they are coming to see us the week of the milestone birthday. For a completely unrelated sporting event, natch, but at least we’ll see them then and I’ll probably fly up there once or twice this summer since work is taking me to the pacific side of things anyways and it’s a much easier hop straight up. They are unhappy about the holidays, but such is life. They have refused the offer to come spend a month or two in the garage suite during the worst of the winter, so I might try to rent it out.
What did she offer to pay for? I don’t remember the list of things she broke, unfortunately
it was a lot, I think – put the wrong stuff in the dishwasher (nice crystal, knives, etc), ruined a pan, broke the STOVE?
This was way beyond differences in life stages! You also could have just accepted what she offered to resolve the situation. You aren’t obligated to bring up everything.
I like these updates! The coworker situation is so tricky; I understand your hesitation in speaking up further. But I’m sure it feels like a violation to your DH. If someone basically trashed our house while staying there, my dander would be up for a LONG time.
Glad things are working out with the parents.
Wow. Glad you checked in with the partner to find out what you could. I still can’t get my head around how a cooktop could get cracked without something significant happening. Thanks for updating!
So, I cracked our cooktop once. I will serve this as a PSA: I was new to having an electric cooktop, I was cooking something that accumulated steam under a lid, I took the lid off and set it down on the cooktop handle side up, and it literally suctioned itself to the cooktop. Then when I went to go pull the lid up, the suction caused the cooktop to crack. (In retrospect, I probably could have let it sit there and cool off and resolve itself, but I tugged too hard when it was still suctioned). It was awful, and not at all on my radar as a thing that could happen. Luckily, in our case it was a really old cooktop and we had planned on updating the kitchen anyway so that expedited that process. I was thinking at the time, thank GOD I did not do that at an AirBnb or friend’s house. Beyond just the cooktop it could have countertop implications if you can’t find an exact same size cooktop replacement. Don’t be me!
That being said, I can’t IMAGINE having done that elsewhere and not telling the person! There is no way you wouldn’t know you did it, and no way you would think the other person wouldn’t notice!
My sister stayed in my home for a couple of weeks while I was traveling and, while it did not at all compare to your situation, I was quite surprised at the amount of damage she did in that time. She broke dishes, scratched furniture, ruined my linens, made permanent marks on cabinetry, and even somehow took a chunk out of a plaster wall. She acknowledged none of it except a broken mug and even turned the duvet cover over before departing so that I would not notice it before she left (though I had actually noticed it the night before when it was right side up). She is plenty old (and older than I am) but rents and does not own much that is nice/expensive.
I totally don’t understand this!! I also don’t have a ton of expensive stuff, but I take very good care of what I have. Also it’s not like I try to have kid gloves on all the time, but I would have to be trying to do so much damage at once (not simply not paying attention).
Maybe it’s more a habit because I grew up poor, so we couldn’t be replacing stuff all the time, but geeez.
She is poor! Nevertheless, I feel like there must have been real carelessness. The wall is a mystery but must have involved some serious force, and she must have used some kind of permanently-staining liquid on my bed to destroy the duvet cover. Plus the sneakiness about the linens is in character but disappointing. I guess she thought I would be mad and didn’t want to deal with that, but I would have been totally easy breezy to her face. She was doing me a favor, so I would not have asked her for money or chastised her or anything.
All these stories are really making me scared to ever have someone house sit. I have very slowly collected a lot of really nice stuff, and if for example someone cracked the marble on my Louis xvi buffet, I might actually cry.
Probably a good instinct…the risk of damage from the guest is probably a higher probability vs whatever you are having them house sit for. (Unless it’s necessary for pets etc).
In grad school I worked in two places in two different cities for a couple years of my program. So my tiny one bedroom apartment in a super-great, very pricey location in one city became a popular place for friends to stay when they were in town. I literally saved most of them several hundred dollars, as most stayed at my place if they were visiting 1-2wks
Most took pretty good care of it, but the one time I was bummed was when one of my lovely but clueless guy friends somehow decided that reaching into my (up on a shelf, away from the food) into my decorative glass bowl filled with eclectic packaged sugars gathered from my travels to cafes and restaurants from around the world were for his consumption. So he ignored sugar/substitutes on the counter, and in the cabinets next to the coffee/tea, and ate all of my travel souvenirs. All of them. I never had much money when I was a young/student travel and bought almost no things when I traveled. Yet I remembered every one of those sugar packets vividly….
The only people who left me thank you notes, or re-stocked things they used up, or even nicer – left me a gift – were my more mature friends. Usually my friends in their 30’s, while I was in my 20’s. It wasn’t even necessarily that they had more $$, but they just seemed to have more maturity/life experience/gratitute… or just more of a clue!
The funny thing now is I feel so inhibited to ever stay with any family/friends now, always worried I will impose. And I really would love to travel and visit friends more, but I can’t afford it.
Oh no I’m so sorry about your sugar packets!! That’s such a cool souvenir idea. I would have been so upset.
Thanks so much for your sympathy!
I immediately hid the other glass jar, that contained all the matchbooks. Those are literally collectors items now.
I hate being a houseguests and to be honest, I hate having houseguests. I never feel like I can relax in either situation. Hotels are great.
Anyone learn the basics of an instrument online, using YouTube videos?
I am thinking of picking up the guitar again, which I haven’t touched for decades. I don’t remember anything – literally, but used to play other instruments so have a musical background. This was all before the age of YouTube.
I wondered whether there was some random person online that had some decent videos that might be a way to start, flexibly on my own time, that might be more fun than a book. No time/$ for lessons right now.
I haven’t tried it but have heard good things about “Simply.” It’s an instrument learning app that has guitar and some other instruments.
Eric Haugen has a YT channel for guitar and while I don’t play, I enjoy his music and chill style. There are some acoustic videos if you search for those, but most vides are electric. https://www.youtube.com/@EricHaugenGuitar/
My son is teaching himself to play guitar using an app called Yousician. I can’t comment on how effective it is, but seems like a good option.
Recently (in early 40s), I decided to learn guitar. I have been a piano player for fun for many years (intermediate), and I thought learning guitar wouldn’t be that hard.
I started with YouTube, the Hal Leonard method book, and Jamie Andreas. Jamie. is hyper focused on technique and reducing tension, which I really care about. Her presence and materials aren’t really polished but she is sincere and good at breaking down movements.
The Hal Leonard book is great if you already know how to read music and teach yourself.
Over time, I’ve realized the being able to fluently change chords is a critical skill. Since then, I’ve been using Justin Guitar. His videos and materials are great. I think his app costs $10/moth. That gives you organized lessons and practice plans. If I were you, I’d start with him.
I am not a Jew, I am not even really religious (and question a lot about organized religion), but I want all Jewish ‘rettes to know I stand with you, I care deeply about the flagrant anti-Semitism and Holocaust denialism, and WILL publicly call out anything I encounter IRL. If there is anything else that can be done to help you, comment and I’ll do that too. So disgusted by it all.
Thank you <3 My husband's grandparents are Holocaust survivors and his father was born in a refugee camp at the end of WWII. It's a scary time to be Jewish and raising Jewish kids in America.
Oh gosh. What horrible thing has happened that I’ve missed?
Oh, no. What news did I miss? More than just Kanye?
What shocks me even more than his praise for Hitler is his Holocaust denial, which I didn’t know about until I saw this clip this morning. This part has gotten drowned out by the Hitler stuff but it’s just as shocking. (He states in the clip, “The Holocaust is not what happened, let’s look at the facts of that.”)
I find the Kyrie Irving Black Hebrew Israelite thing more disconcerting than Holocaust denial (I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence) because it seeks to both discriminate against Jews/name them as oppressors of Black people and replace Jews with Black people.
And what ever happened to the cooperation between Blacks and Jews in this country in the mid-20th Century? That was better than Black Hebrew Israelite hatred.
I remember a fair bit of conflict btwn blacks and Jews in America in my childhood and I’m 40. But to your point my dad, who is Jewish, always considered himself vulnerable to racism as well as anti semitism. Most of my Jewish trump-voting acquaintances are absolutely fine with casual racism which is is wild to me. (I’m sure the [email protected] killed their Jewish supporters too but yeah keep voting for bigots, I’m sure they’ll spare you.) I feel like trump is now paling around with actual [email protected] and people will explain to me why that’s somehow ok soon.
Jews voted for Trump at lower rates than any other religious group and were the only faith group besides Mormons that swing towards Democrats in 2016 compared to 2012. Yes Jewish Trump voters exist but they are statistically rare, so I’m not sure how this turned into Jews being racist.
Thank you for this. Ideas (many from the ADL):
* name the hate (antisemitism = racism against Jews)
* point out the hypocrisy inherent in antisemitism (Jews cannot simultaneously be animals unworthy of human treatment and ingenious schemers who control everyone) (Deborah Lipstadt describes antisemitism as a conspiracy theory with three elements: money, shrewd intelligence and power)
* educate people (I especially like Berkeley’s 11-minute video, the link to which I will put in a reply in case of moderation)
Oooh – and I especially like the recent podcast Gatecrashers (especially episode one, which lays out how the selective college admissions process began as a way to keep Jews out of the Ivies in the 1920s).
+1. Everyone who is silent now is complicit. Brands and businesses should cut all ties with anyone involved.
And politicians who say nothing when their party’s former President (and current candidate) meets with Kanye are hugely complicit as well. DT cannot claim he “doesn’t know him” this time. It’s SO scary that someone like this is in the ear of a former and possible future President.
Thank you. It goes a long way just to notice antisemitism and call it out when you see it.
I too am alarmed at the failure of the Democratic party and international left to call out the virulent antisemitism of Ilhan Omar, Rasheea Thalib, and many other pro-“Palestinian” agitators.
stop it. no one is here for your horrible rewriting of reality and your hatred is unneeded, unwanted, and unwelcome.
The antisemitism of the left does not compare to the antisemitism of the right and many Evangelicals on the right are “friendly” to the Jews only because they believe Israel needs to be in jewish hands for the second coming of Christ, not out of any respect for the Jewish religion or Jewish people.
That said as a liberal American Jew who has voted for, donated to and campaigned exclusively for Democratic candidates, I agree the Democratic Party is too casual about antisemitism in its own ranks and I would have liked to see Omar in particular condemned more strongly.
I agree. I’m a Jewish democrat and I really dislike the squad.
As a random aside, the preferred spelling is antisemitism (no hyphen, not capitals).
https://patriotpost.us/opinion/79766-cancelling-anti-semitism-2021-05-10 (Original Boston Globe article is paywalled)
Thank you! Did a search and also found this:
oh yeah, because that’s the real problem here – hyphens!! Thanks sooooooo much for pointing that out.
+1 000 000
I’m Jewish and I appreciate this post! Thank you!
Santa says I can order the boots I’ve been dreaming of! For Penelope Chilvers boots, at what point do you get the “tall boot” and just the regular. Is it based on your height? I can’t try on locally and trying to get my order right on the first shot.
They have pretty specific measuring instructions on their size charts and the size&fit tab on the specific boot you’re interested in. In my experience, it’s best if you can get someone else to take the measurements while you stand normally (as opposed to leaning forward to take your own measurements). I’m not familiar with this brand, but at the general price point, the size charts tend to be pretty accurate if you get good measurements.
This blouse is 100% a dupe for blouses I routinely wore under my management training corporate suit in 1985-1990 years. I even made 3-4 like this because I liked sewing and it was a quick sew, easy to get the colors that I wanted to go with specific suits. I feel like I’ve entered a worm-hole.
What fabric did you use? And do you remember the pattern manufacturer and number? I would definitely buy this to wear under suits if it wasn’t polyester! Maybe I should take up sewing again…
I used washable silk when I could find it and a good synthetic or rayon blend when I couldn’t get silk.
I can’t find the exact pattern but Vogue 7459 looks pretty close. The one I had had a keyhole one-button closure on the back neck so it was easy to sew and easy to put on. You could modify this one to a three button instead of full closure back, like on 8137 or 9098 below. (I’ll put the details in the next message.)
I know I used Vogue 8137 and I made several variations of pleats. I also lowered the neck to more of a jewel neck because this looks constricting.
I remember V9098 and used that one too.
What are your favorite comfort foods? Enjoying some plain cheese nachos with jalapeños a la 1991 ChiChi’s right now.
Pancakes the way my mom used to make them (1 egg, 1 c milk, 1 c Aunt Jemima mix, pour them really small and add mini chocolate chips)
Eggs in hole
Warm chocolate chip cookies
Chicken pot pie – the gross Marie Callendar frozen ones are emotionally comforting for the nostalgia factor but I much prefer the taste of homemade or high end restaurant ones
Matzo ball soup
Pumpkin or butternut squash mac n cheese
Deep dish pizza
Grilled cheese and tomato soup
I’m sure there are more, that’s just what came to me off the top of my head
Fried chicken (purchased, not made), over easy eggs and grits/polenta, from scratch chicken noodle soup with a squeeze of fresh lemon, roasted root vegetables w grated parmesan, quesadillas, grilled cheese and soup
Oh yum, grits and a poached or over-easy egg are our household cure for what ails you. I might have some for dinner!
Domino’s cheese pizza
Simple bean burritos with lots of sour cream
George Dickel and 7up with a maraschino cherry and a tiny teaspoon of the syrup from the cherry jar. I don’t usually drink mixed drinks, and when I do I don’t much drink whisky, but this is what my mother used to fix if you answered “yes” to “do you want a drink?” Also a plate of fried chicken, mac and cheese, green beans, corn, and sliced tomatoes, or chicken spaghetti casserole is comfort food to me.
Chicken and rice, many forms of it. There seems to be a version of chicken and rice in every culture (I’ve made version based on middle eastern, spanish, chinese, and northern indian cooking!) but here’s my basics
Season then brown skin-on, bone-in chicken thighs in a bit of oil in a large, shallow pan. I like the Le Cresuet braiser best for this but a lidded skillet/saute pan works well too. I brown them skin side down for 10-15 minutes, until the skin is crispy and releases from the pan. Then I brown the bottom/flesh side just for 5 minutes or so. Remove the chicken pieces to a plate.
Add additional fat if needed – no one is going to be mad if you add some butter here – and saute a diced onion & whatever aromatics you like – celery, carrots, maybe a leek or the white part of scallions – in that fat, while scraping the bottom to get all of that good chickeny stuff. Add minced garlic (optional) towards the end of this saute. When soft, add the uncooked rice. I like long grain, but you could do basmati. Saute the rice in the veggies until it’s slightly toasty, then add stock – 2 cups to every cup of rice, or maybe closer to 1.5 cups if using basmati. Bring the stock to a simmer, set chicken pieces on top without submerging them, skin side up, and simmer with lid on for 20 minutes. The chicken should be at 170 degrees internal temp, just let it steam a little longer if not (has never been a problem for me).
After you eat the chicken, use those bones and gristle + your aromatic veggie scraps to make more stock so you can do this all again.
You can spice the chicken differently, you can add olives and lemon slices, you can add veggies that take 20 minutes or so to cook, you can do whatever you like! It’s going to be good, and very very comforting. Leftovers are delicious.
What are your favorite egg casserole or egg muffin recipes for prepping breakfasts ahead of time? I want to finally try it!
Literally just any quiche/frittata recipe portioned into a (mini) muffin tin! I like this one:
(note: I have always made this with one large red bell pepper in place of the mushrooms, diced and lightly sauted when I wilt fresh spinach in place of frozen, and I always forget that when I go to look for it, oops!)
I made a bunch of these last weekend and they turned out really well. You could experiment with fillings based on what’s on hand. I used leftover bacon, onion, and bell pepper.
Update on a situation I’ve posted about a few times. My FIL died suddenly and without a will in March, and DH and I have been overwhelmed dealing with his estate and helping his widow (DH’s stepmother), who knew nothing about the finances and has been in failing health ever since. Well, we convinced her to move into a lovely assisted living facility at the end of the summer after her third hospitalization for heart failure, which has helped immensely. Unfortunately, it has helped to the point that she thinks she can take care of herself now, and she wants to move out. She was recently diagnosed with dementia, but she doesn’t remember/believe it. She also has a brother and cousin who I believe want to inherit her property – really my FIL’s, but I’m pretty sure his sons are SOL on that front because he died intestate – who have been creating drama the whole time, and who now are ready to step up to “help” her.
I’m so sick of it all. I’d be happy to walk away from the whole thing. But we probably need to lawyer up. We got a lawyer with her, but I think we need someone new to oppose her. Ugh.
Laws on this vary state to state– it may be that without a will everything goes (via probate) to the surviving spouse. Or it may be that everything is divided between surviving spouse and children (usually 50% to spouse, remaining 50% divided amongst children). It *may* make sense to hire an attorney, but I’d google laws in your FIL’s state first to provide some guidance as to how things are likely to play out and balance that against the cost of hiring an attorney vs. value of the estate.
If you use Spotify – what were your top 3 genres for the year, and do they represent you? Mine were:
– morning: appreciation fancy royalcore
– afternoon hectic confident retro-futurism
– evening – powerful silly relaxing
I’m pretty sure all 3 of those are from my family’s use, specifically my 11 yr old and 9 yr old
Looking for a cologne/aftershave recommendation for my son who is early 20s. I know he likes things to smell good, as he uses scented shampoo, body wash, and deodorant. On this basis, he likes lemon/lime/green apple scented things.
He is the last person in the world who would ever go to a fragrance counter and smell things with me, but I think he would really dig something like this as a gift.
What are the 20 something men wearing that is better than Axe body spray? Nothing overpowering please, just fresh and clean.
My husband just showers daily and uses deodorant. Old spice
Everyman Jack product small very nice.
Not sure what your budget is for this but Jo Malone Lime Basil & Mandarin is amazing, clean and not the least bit overpowering.
Based on the scent notes you mention he might enjoy something like Calvin Klein Eternity, but it’s not a cool or new scent, if that’s something he cares about.
Something from Frederic Malle, Diptyque, Tom Ford or similar might be more fun to have on the shelf.
I used to love the men’s cologne Aqua di Parma for a very greenish scent – i’d get him a sample if you can instead of the whole thing though.
I often think of Creed and Replica for men’s fragrances too, but that’s just me.
Check out Cremo.
depending on budget – sephora does a cologne sampler set with 12 samples and a certificate to redeem for a full size of whichever is his favorite. Its a great option for gift giving and for those figuring out what they like still.
Need advice from parents of older kids and teens. What rules do you have around cleanliness and neatness of kids’ bedrooms? How do you balance kids’ need for independence with teaching them good housekeeping habits? I am getting stressed out by my teen’s very messy room.
If he doesn’t do his own laundry, a good rule is that you’re not washing anything that’s not in the laundry basket.
Beyond that, I close the door. If they want to live in squalor, that’s on them.
My mom closed the door. Sometimes my stepfather bribed me with $20 to clean up to make her happy. For the most part I was content to just turn off the light and watch tv in the dark when things got too messy. But I grew up to be a very neat person!
If he’s a teen, he should be doing his own laundry! I would say as long as it’s not gross (dirty dishes, super dirty sheets, gym clothes, etc) it’s ok. I’m very messy but I’m not disgusting.
Hell no to this. There is no reason a teen can’t do his or her own wash. You may need to transition but it is a life skill they will need later if not sooner. And teach it in a laundromat if possible so they can see how you need supplies and how swipe cards work and separating lights and darks. And maybe grateful for in-house laundry.
Mom of a a teen and tween.
Hi, I’ve raised two teens and the “if it’s not in the basket, it’s not getting washed” rule has been very successful. I taught both of them to do their own laundry in their latter years of high school, and both are successfully doing their own laundry off at college now.
I do believe their room is their haven, and if they want it to look like a pig sty, that’s their choice. Short of a biohazard situation, it’s up to them. I just close the door.
Sooner or later they get sick of it and clean it without prompting.
Eh both my husband and I never did laundry until college and we’re fully functional adults. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making a teen do their own laundry, but I also don’t think you’re failing your kids by doing it for them.
My mom used to scream at me in a very scary and violent way until I cleaned it and would sometimes come in and rifle through my stuff until I got up in tears and begged her to stop and that I would clean it…so there’s that. Don’t do that.
My mom chased me around the house with a chef’s knife once because I had a bowl of popcorn kernels on my dresser. Don’t do that. (Also if you do ever do something similarly heinous don’t pretend it never happened)
Dr. The Original ...
I grew up with an actual diagnosed OCD level parent and in a shared bedroom so high expectations and no privacy. Nothing was ever out of place or the punishment was that it was thrown away. (Yes, this is a piece of bigger trauma and yes, I DO have a therapist.) Anyway, when I got to college, I trashed my space. Big time. (Not dirty, just messy, very messy.) And then after a week or two, I realized no one was going to take my stuff and my rebellion wasn’t sticking it to anyone else… and I didn’t like not knowing where my things were or being embarrassed about wrinkled clothes. So I knocked that right off. I’ve since been someone who believes in tidiness that can look lived in (so for me that’s a throw tossed over the couch arm instead of perfectly folded and comfy furniture over formal style stuff).
I think you give as much latitude and freedom here as you can. For example, for professional school events, you can require clean and wrinkle-free clothing. You can require not dirty (so no food waste or the like as this causes bugs). You can require nothing BO smelly because that permeates into other rooms. You can refuse to help look for an item lost in the bedroom or require school items be set out the night before so they can’t become late and cause you to need to drive them to school. As for whether clothes get folded in the dresser or laid out on a chair or whether the bed is made is probably not worth your energy to battle. If they want you to come in for bedtime chats or wake up help, you can require a clear path to the bed and somewhere clear to sit. It’s probably not worth your energy to battle over where or how they display their sentimental items. It’s also possible that you allow them to earn additional privileges (screen time or curfew extension or allowance or whatnot) if they tidy it so that they can also choose what priorities matter most to them and then you know it’ll never be too too long before they’ll choose to tidy up.
I am not a parent, however I have seen a lot of people spend a lot of energy on things that don’t matter or that sort themselves out due to natural consequences. There can only be so many battles fought and it seems like there are so many more in the teen years that are worth your energy. <3
SMC - San Diego
My now now adult was a complete slob as a teen and I did absolutely nothing except insist that dirty clothes go in the basket and no food or dishes got left overnight. We had a housekeeper but at some point I told her that if her bed was not cleared off and her floor clean enough to vacuum I would not ask that her room be included. (And for several years it was not.) She was required to clean up after herself in the common areas of the house but I took the position that her room was her room.
She grew up, left for college and turned out to be a complete neat freak so I would not worry about it as long as it is not a health hazard.
My mom’s rule was dirty laundry in the laundry hamper which was located outside the room, no food in the room, open the window to air out once a week, vacuum once a week (sometimes I tossed piles of stuff from the floor to the bed and vacuumed and tossed them back if I was feeling passive aggressive), pathway from the bed to the dresser, window and door (for safety reasons – don’t want to be tripping if there was a fire). Basically messy was okay but stinky and unsafe was not. Kept it tidier than required so I could have friends over and not be embarrassed.
Go for it
Mom of 2 Teen athletes ( now adults ) when they hit middle school the laundry was theirs. Period.
I did towels because I like clean towels.
There was a Febreze incident that was prompted when one kid didn’t want to do laundry….. so he sprayed his athletic clothes with Febreze and put them in the dryer ….i found out when I took my load of clothes out of the dryer and the funk almost knocked me out!
My method was all food items out of the room in the morning and I just closed the door because I did not live in their rooms
the public spaces were to be kept clean because I live in them.
No dishes in the sink when I get back from work.
mandatory chores every week:
one person, cleaned the bathroom
the other person vacuumed the house
Assist in food prep & cook as sometimes told to~ they ate like athletes!!
Happy to report they are capable life partners now ~ post teen resentment that “none of my friends have to do this stuff”
My response was “well if they lived with me, they would”
they know how to cook, they know how to clean, they know how to do laundry, and they do those things currently
The issue I have with everyone in the house hold doing only their own laundry is that it seems very water wasteful as well a scheduling disaster. Even with daily changes of athletic clothes and uniforms my teens didn’t produce a load of laundry every day, but needed a clean uniform a few times a week. Combining house hold laundry meant a load or two of something was run every day. I feel like it was much easier to throw everything in together and to hang everything together. The kids learned to do laundry, laundry got done. And no mayhem in the evenings after practice with one having to wait until the other was done with the washer to clean 3 to 4 items on their own. Now, if they didn’t empty their sports bags, or dump the dirty stuff in the bin, it didn’t get done, and that was a lesson too.
SMC San Diego
I am always surprised at the number of people who say their kids and spouses do their own laundry. I cannot imagine the water bill if I ran that many loads, but maybe they live places with cheap water?
I always did the laundry, aLthough kiddo had to fold her own and put it away because I hate folding laundry. And she didn’t have any trouble doing her own when she left for college. It’s not something that requires skill and practice.
I don’t get this perspective. My husband does his laundry and I do mine but they’re always full loads. It’s just not all mixed up. I wait until I have a load of whatever to wash and do it. It. I more water usage than if we oddly combined.
Same as 5:11. Each person in our house does their own laundry but we wait until we have full loads.
We don’t have a cleaning service. We started spending one weekend morning to “clean the upstairs.” This means that we all strip beds, put on clean sheets, tidy, dust, and vacuum bedrooms at the same time. When we have this as the routine, it really takes only a half hour or so. My husband and I take turns with the master bath while the other does the bedroom. And the kids take turns with helping with their bathroom or vacuuming the landing and stairs. Being non-negotiable & every one doing the same thing makes a big difference!
The routine is key – keeping up with the cleaning so that it isn’t overwhelming. Sometimes we have issues with the kids stashing things in the closet rather putting them away – but then we’ll just spend a little extra time in the closet once/month.
Dr. The Original ...
With the year’s end coming, I know many are planning donations for taxes or to ask for or give as gifts and others are seeking to get or give non-item gifts. Let’s discuss!
What are your favorite charities?
1. Trans Kids Purple Rainbow Foundation (I donate 100% of the profits of all of my books to them)
2. new fav: Choose Love (Loving the options to personalize and will be gifting donations in loved ones’ names for this one)
3. The Trevor Project (su!cide prevention for youth at a time when so many are using them as political pawns)
4. I am also donating pro-inclusion books to educators and public libraries since so many are now not allowed to buy them with federal or state money.
I am gifting non-item items as I can figure out what people need and asking people for that info. For example, I taking time to think of each person and their pain points and thinking about what I can do for them. I have a friend I’ll be sending a real introduction between her and someone I know who works in her dream field after privately contacting the latter to get the okay to make the intro. I’ll be organizing the clothes of a busy mom with many kids who mentioned wanting to declutter but not having time to sort out too-small from current or upcoming sizes in kids’ closets. I told another friend I’d spend an afternoon driving around making returns for her if she’d make a list of what needs to go where and have receipts ready. Another friend doesn’t have the hours he wishes he did to do some research before buying an item for his spouse so my gift to him is to do the research so he can quickly compare and buy the item.
What might I like to receive that’s a non-item? Someone to come over or be on video call while I try on things in my closet to tell me what needs tailoring (and where) versus what’s flattering versus what I should donate or only wear at home. Accountability buddy for more physical activity. Accountability buddy for more self-care. Introductions to those who have power to hire (or know people who do) to grow my speaking business. Then there’s what I’m saving up to hire for in 2023 which is someone good with websites or marketing growth or SEO or social media stuff.
Wondering what charities y’all like and what non-item gifts you are giving this year or what non-item you’ll be asking for!
I like the one where you fund classroom projects teachers have requested – Donor’s Choice. If I’m doing it as a gift, then I say yes to the thank you notes, so my friend ends up getting a bunch of hand written thank you notes from second graders or what have you. It’s always been a big hit.
Be careful–if the Donors Choose teacher project isn’t fully funded, they still keep your money and put it toward another project. IIRC, you can choose which one, but if you want your contribution going to a specific classroom, you might not get that, and won’t get your money back. I’ve had more satisfaction contacting my teacher friends to fund their project directly with them–that way they can go buy 80% of the supplies they need even if the DC project isn’t “fully funded” and they get nothing through the s*te.
Perhaps it’s an “item”, but there’s an old-fashioned candy that hasn’t been commercially available in many, many years. I’ve worked out a very convincing dupe and make it for one friend for their birthday and Christmas.
A dear friend of mine has several pallets of large rocks that need unloaded and placed in her landscaping. I’m short on $$ right now but have the physical ability and time after finals, so my Christmas gift to her will be hauling big rocks.
I would love someone to help me list a few things on FB Marketplace or Ebay.
I am interested in this candy!
Medical research organizations that try to find new treatments for a cancer that runs in my family that is deadly (not breast) and a local rehab group that saved the life of a family member.
Doctor’s without Borders
Save the Children
Southern Poverty Law Center
International Rescue Committee
Soldiers in Heath
NPR radio stations in multiple cities that I listen to.
Local Arts organizations that I really like, that really need it
Local women’s shelter
Local food pantry
I’ll give Christmas/end of year $$ gifts to the person who helps us with cleaning, postman, garbage men.
It still ends in purchasing, but my mom and I are helping each other do thinking tasks that take time. She is choosing the baby’s holiday outfit, and we are both sorting through photos for each other and printing the best to frame.
I know I’ve recommended her products here, so feel like I need to post this: https://www.cpsc.gov/Recalls/2023/The-Laundress-Recalls-Laundry-Detergent-and-Household-Cleaning-Products-Due-to-Risk-of-Exposure-to-Bacteria
I’ve been using their bleach alternative on sheets and towels for years and I’m really disappointed with the way the company has handled this. I know I’m not the only one, based on their Instagram comments.
I am curious what more you expected. They issued a recall in coordination with regulators, sent emails to customers and communicated through multiple other channels, and they are offering refunds
It hasn’t worked like any other recall I’ve been a part of ? About a month ago they sent an email that said stop using your products. No info about why , which products, etc. now they have come out with a list and say they will do refunds but there is no process on how to get a refund.
I didn’t even get an email. I guess because I always bought their products through the container store.
How strange. I have received 3 emails. The first, about a month ago, explained the issue and said to stop using the products – all of them out of an abundance of caution, and why. It also contained a link to a page with more information The second also had that info and a link to the information page and an explanation as to how to get a refund. The third also had even more information about the problem and a link to the page with moree info, including a final list of impacted products they developed with the CPSC over the last few weeks, plus instructions for how to get a refund.
I also went to their Insta page where they are responding to customer inquiries and stating what the problem is and how to dispose of the product (not complicated – throw out a closed bottle, and also explain how to get a refund.
It would be really surprising if they had certain lists of people with whom they are sharing certain information and other lists of people with whom they are sharing less. B ut maybe they have gone above and beyond and ignored all of the regulatory guidance to ensure some customers get fewer and less informative emails and some got more. Of course it could be that we got the same ones and you are upset that they have asked you to do something as a part of the process or that they haven’t exaggerated the risk to otherwise healthy people such that you can feel more outrage.
I wonder how many people flipping out over The Laundress issue get huffed up when Chipotle sells contaminated greens or Costco sells contaminated ground beef and then asks customers to not eat it and bring a receipt in for a refund.
What more did you want?
For me (not the op) I would’ve liked much more urgency in sharing information about what was wrong, what products were affected, and what to do with the ones you have and how to get refunded
The initial guidance was to stop using all of their products immediately Did you want more specific information about the problem so you could determine whether you’d be comfortable continuing to use the products or certain of them?
I would’ve liked to know if my baby was in danger and if there was a danger to having the products in the house while they wait to sort it out, or whether I should take my baby to the doctor
PSA, Target gift cards are 10% off today and tomorrow. (Limit $500 per person.) Nice savings for little holiday gifts… or reloading your own gift card balance for upcoming shopping ;)
Thanks for this!
and for teacher gifts for holidays! yay!
What is your favorite place to buy boxes of holiday cards online?
Prefer something more like a season/happy new year card, not religious/Christmas. Love something more artsy or unusual. Good quality. For some reason I can’t find anything I like. Found one at a Museum gift shop but it was sold out.
In my area, several local charities sell holiday cards as a fundraiser. So I start there. Their images tend to be local, which I like but might not suit your needs directly. Maybe that concept could be more universal? A search for “holiday cards nonprofit fundraiser” yielded a bunch of results.
Otherwise, I like Papyrus and Paper Source.
I buy them when they’re on sale after the holidays, but the Moma cards are my favorite!
I need gift ideas for my sister in law. She makes more money than me but is very frugal so you’d never tell from her possessions. She is also not a gift or holiday person. I feel like she judges me for buying nice things (that I can absolutely afford) so I’m looking for small practical stuff.
A really good small household flashlight. A headlamp, if she does outdoor stuff. A nice pair of wool socks.
My sister gave me a pair of “KitchenAid all-purpose shears with protective sheath”for kitchen sheers a zillion years ago and we love them and use them All The Time. They’re a great practical gift.
unconventional maybe but what about asking her if she wants to skip exchanging gifts? we did that with my BIL and SIL who are super anti-gifting (uneconomical, inefficient!) and just have a great time catching up…
she may also respond very well to being asked for a wish list?
if you really have to get her SOMETHING, upgraded consumable like Penzey’s spices? Books? NYT games subscription?
+1 I am also not a gifts person and would not want my SIL to get me anything.
+1 in the last couple of years we mutually agreed to do a dinner out in lieu of any gifts on my sibling side, and in retrospect we should have made this move YEARS ago.
I might be your SIL and genuinely enjoy a fancy bottle of olive oil/vinegar, or spice mix, or homemade stuff. Another way to go would be a donation in my name, or a gift card, but that’s not going to fly in every family.