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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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Biglaw question
Does anyone work in biglae litigation and get coverage for their cases for 1-2 week vacations? Is that even a thing? My husband says no but I am curious because my biglae corporate friends do get coverage for more than 5 days. Seems insane that he never gets to really unplug in litigation but I also understand the nature of litigation makes it harder to hand off.
Anon
I was amazed when I had a baby that one shift of nurses left and another came in even though I was not yet done pushing out the baby. Like I, BigLaw, am in the wrong industry entirely b/c this sort of seamless transition of care is the one thing BigLaw seems intent on refusing to master (clients: are you reading this?). In my next life, I’m going to be a nurse anesthetist or something other than a lawyer.
So: if so, I have not seen it and if it exists, I’d like to study this.
Anonymous
I understand what you are trying to say, but those are not really comparable tasks. There’s no strategy or client relationship involved in a birth.
anonshmanon
lol. There’s usually no bodily fluids and potential immediate death involved in practicing law. Are you really saying helping mothers give birth is so much less challenging and impactful that it’s entirely reasonable to pay nurses a fraction of lawyers?
Anon
Are you kidding me? I can’t think of a more intimate client relationship than between a doctor and her patient (her client) giving birth! No strategy? Have you even had a baby?
Anon
It works that way for the nurses but not necessarily the doctors.
AnonMom
Just an anecdote, but it absolutely worked that way for the doctors on call while I was in (short! Only about 3 hours) delivery. Shift change was at 6am, and the doctor all up in my business since 3 AM swapped out with the next one 7 minutes before I delivered. Very disconcerting.
Anon
I think L&D is unique in that it’s a steady flow of deliveries and fairly predictable.
Peloton
If only this were true! I met the OB who delivered me when she ran in as the nurse told me I had to stop pushing because the baby was crowning and there wasn’t a doctor in the room.
(This was not a fast labor, either—this was the end of a three day induction. It was not a good hospital, haha).
Anon
Well, when I’m laying $1200 an hour, I expect you to take my calls and don’t really care about your personal life.
Anon
Thanks for being part of the problem vs. being part of the solution. Your lawyers are people too.
Anonymous
Then they can get paid less to work less
Anonymous
You know that the firm sets the rate right? I have almost no authority to reduce my rate, even as a partner.
Anonymous
They work by the hour. By definition they get paid less to work less. Your feeling that they are only worth their billable rate if they are your bi+ch 24/7 is part of the problem. And if you abuse that, you probably aren’t getting their best. That said, none of them are actually worth $1200/hr and you could absolutely shop around and find better counsel for less but for reasons other than value you don’t.
Anon
There are other lifestyle jobs for them then. Sorry, that’s the trade off.
Trish
I couldn’t get coverage for my wedding when I was a public defender. I cobbled together 4 days off from work for the honeymoon: Th, Fr, Mon, Tues.
Anon
My clients only pay me $190 per hour and feel the same way. They expect all calls to be taken and really don’t care about my personal life.
Anonymous
Exactly
Cat
tbh I’m surprised he knows anyone that can unplug 100% during a Biglaw vacation. At a minimum you’d be fielding emails at the beginning and end of the day to make sure you’re not delaying anything that only you received.
anon
Is your husband a partner? I’ve seen junior associates and midlevels take 1-2 week vacations in the lead-up in merger trials (which go a lot faster than most litigations). On one trial I was on, three associates got married between the start of the government’s investigation and the trial and all of them went on vacation.
The rest of us just step up, but typically, teams are very cohesive and we like each other. There’s a general expectation that you won’t take too many vacations and that you’ll help out when others do. But on one case, with a really crazy client, a lead partner went to India for the week between Christmas and New Years and the client was pissed when he could join but couldn’t speak (due to unreliable connection) on several calls related to some matter of great importance to the client and zero importance to the case. He had lined up the junior partner and prepped the client on his absence for like 2 months, too.
I think it likely depends on the case, client, seniority of the person taking the trip, rest of the team, and stage of litigation.
Nora
That seems unfair (but I know this is the world of law and client service). Weddings in India are often between Christmas-New Years, so it could have been for something like that, and it sounds like the partner did prep people as well as possible.
Anonymous
No. Never. That is why I rarely bothered to take vacations and canceled most of the ones I planned at the last minute. I had one partner who would stop by to brainstorm what I could work on during my upcoming vacation starting a few weeks out Depending on just how big the case is and how senior your husband is, he might get some mileage from letting opposing counsel know about the trip and getting extensions ahead of time. If it is a huge case with a huge team they really should cover for him if something new comes up but a lot of people working in Biglaw have big personality flaws that keep them from being decent and some partners want to punish associates for taking time away. Just depends on the dynamics
Anonymous
My good friend is a biglaw partner and does a 2-3 week international trip with the family every summer. He doesn’t unplug totally but is very firmly On Vacation.
Anon
Hahahahaha, no.
Anon
This was my reaction. Still remember the time I went to Maui with my husband and parents, and billed 70 hours (while sick with the flu!) while everyone else was at the beach.
This is why Big Law pays you the megabucks.
Naomi
This sounds like a nightmare.
Anon
It’s not a life I would have wanted to live forever, but being there for ~5 years as a childless 20-something set me up really well for my future. I paid off my loans, saved a ton of money, moved to a LCOL area, bought a house in cash and took a lifestyle job that pays me much less than Big Law but never expects me to work after hours or on vacation. And because I don’t have a mortgage I still have a really nice lifestyle on the lower salary, while still having loads of time for my family and hobbies. It wasn’t fun at the time, but in hindsight a couple $hitty vacations were well worth it for future me.
Anon
But that’s what the money is for.
Anon
That’s the tradeoff for earning $250k+ as an early 20-something straight out of school. That’s more money than most people every make and to make it as a young person with no work experience requires selling your soul.
Anonymous
Curious – do you feel the same way about more senior attorneys? Do you think it’s a problem that there aren’t a lot of women equity partners and women in leadership roles in law firms, in large part because of the 24/7 expectations?
Anon 10:45
I’m not sure if that was intended for me or not, but I don’t like Big Law culture in general and don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to work those hours their whole life – that’s why I left. But I’m not sure it’s a gender thing and making it into one feels a little sexist to me. At my firm the female associates worked just as hard as the male associates. I saw a lot of roadblocks in the way of women and minorities who wanted to make partner (old white boys club networks, higher expectations when it came to softer skills, double standards expecting women to be assertive but not too assertive etc) but the expectations for hours were objective and something that everyone who was interested in working that hard could achieve. I feel like if hours were the only thing that mattered we’d have more women and minorities in the highest ranks of big law, not less? Again, not the life I wanted for myself especially once I had kids (and my husband felt the exact same way, it’s not a gender thing) but not sure I agree this is the cause of the lack of women in leadership.
anon
I think it’s possible if you have a trustworthy team and this is culturally allowed at your firm. If you can trust someone to handle this responsibility appropriately, set your OOO message stating that you will not be responding to emails until X date and refer everyone to your associate or paralegal for urgent matters., and then instruct that person to call/text you if there is something that cannot wait for your return. That way, you only have to monitor calls/texts, without getting sucked into email unless absolutely necessary. Obviously this only works if the workflow allows it over the course of your vacation.
No Face
Litigator here. I’ve never taken a 2 week vacation at any size firm.
In litigation, how relaxing your vacation will be is entirely dependent on what is happening in your cases. I have the best luck booking far in advance, blocking the dates out on my calendar, and scheduling around it. If your husband is junior, that may not be possible.
Anon
As a junior/midlevel, I had the best luck going right after a case settled or went to trial. Other than my honeymoon, my only work-free vacation in Big Law was a blissful week in Bora Bora right after a trial.
No Face
Another good one is if a trial or major hearing suddenly postponed. The calendar is already blocked off, so book a last minute vacation somewhere.
Anonymous
I’m a biglaw litigation partner. Since I was a senior associate, I’ve taken 10 days to 2 weeks in the summer and one week in the winter (usually over New Years). In litigation it becomes easier to schedule time off once you’re the person agreeing to the scheduling orders. This generally means you take the same week(s) every year, usually keying off a holiday since opposing counsel doesn’t want to work over the holiday either.
I never unplug 100%. I always bring my laptop with me. I check email twice a day, which is usually just pinging people to push things along, but sometimes requires more hands on work. I schedule calls when I need to, but I don’t answer the phone (my office line rings through to my cell) unless I’m expecting a call. I pay for international calling/data plan to ensure I have seamless accessibility. But it’s not as if I’m working all the time! I’ve been to some great places and had great experiences!
Anon
Completely unplug – only as a junior associate already planning to leave this firm. Like when I went on a 2-week African safari. As a mid-year and senior associate (400 attorney firm, not as big as the one I started at) I can unplug for 7 to 10 days if I plan ahead and block off the time on my calendar with respect to my major cases. I still check email twice a day and field client questions to others in my practice group because I get a lot of counseling questions directly from clients (employment lawyer). I’ve had to draft a brief motion on one vacation but it wasn’t a huge deal. A lot of this depends on practice area and your direct bosses (and your reputation with them) more than just the firm though. My practice group is not a huge face time culture, our group leaders respect time off, and our group always covers for each other where possible. If a client ever copies my boss on the counseling type email when I’m on vacation, he’ll always respond first and let them know that I’m out and he’ll ask another attorney to respond (or gives them the option to wait for me).
Anonymous
What you’re describing is not unplugging.
anon
Lol, how is this unplugging.
Of Counsel
Not Big Law, and I left litigation last year, partly for this reason but no. I have never gone on a week vacation and completely disconnected. And I rejected locations with no WiFi for that reason.
Maybe when an associate is very junior and does not have any case-handling responsibilities it might be possible. And exceptions tend to be made for honeymoons, but otherwise some level of connectivity is expected. It is a toxic expectation, but it is an expectation.
But I also note that there is a difference between working because you need to make hours, working because your boss does not respect your time off, and working because you (and only you) can realistically/efficiently do the task. I had considerable luck cutting down to 2-3 hours a day by (1) blocking the days off in my calendar in advance; (2) telling every judge and opposing counsel that I was going to be on vacation; (3) making sure any deadlines were covered in advance; and (4) going through emails and only responding to the ones I needed to handle immediately. That did not mean I did not find myself at Starbucks at 5 am frantically writing a reply brief when plaintiff submitted their opposition late and I had a terrible connection or handling a conference call for a client who was having an emergency, but it did reduce the number of hours I needed to work.
Anon
Not a litigator, but corporate. I have worked at six firms over the years (as staff and an attorney). Only two of the six were great culturally of coverage. Like, the staffers would help find someone if your own coverage-seeking failed. There were strong, “i got you, you’ll get me next time” vibes. Other firms treated vacation as something that was mostly not done and you worked all the time when you were gone.
Anonymous
Large law rather than big law, but I do. I filed protected leave with the court so important things don’t get scheduled and for day to day stuff, I delegate to another partner (there is usually either another one on the case with me or one I can brief on the highlights enough that they can cover). It’s doable depending on firm/case types/personalities. I realize we are a bit unusual in that regard.
Trish
Are your friends women? Men can be reluctant to ask off work.
Peloton
I went through two big law firms. You can get coverage for a fully offline 1-2 week vacation if you’re getting married and taking a honeymoon. Otherwise, no.
(The joke at my first firm was that the above was only true for one marriage every five years).
Anon
Yup. Got married at the end of my first year and everyone at my firm told me to take 2 weeks for my honeymoon. They said “It will be the only real vacation you get in your life…until your second marriage.”
Big Law is a toxic place.
Celia
BigLaw litigation partner here. I think you can unplug in the sense of not doing real work for a week, but it is all about timing. Every year in my practice I’ve been able to take at least one week long vacation where all I did was check email once in the morning and once in the evening, and maybe answer a few / take a few calls – but nothing more than 30 minutes or an hour. Some vacations it isn’t even that – i just read email and didn’t end up having to lift a finger. Some years I’ve had to work a few hours here and there. It just depends on whether you have a good team, what the deadlines are, and how much of a pain current opposing counsel are. Over the summer I took a two week vacation with the family and had to work about four hours a day because of a deadline. This winter I spent a week on a beach and billed a total of .5 hours the whole time.
Anon
My friend lasted 2 years in biglaw. The insane salary comes with insane hours. That’s why she left.
EuroMover
Hopefully fun q! What do you wear to a work offsite (3 days + travel) in Feb to… Casablanca!
I’m south asian and live in europe, so have plenty of scarves. But beyond that, i am not sure what to pack.
Anon
I feel like an excellent pair of sunglasses should be in there also. And a former lover you can look up once you get there.
Ribena
On this note, my first thought was ‘channel Amal Clooney’s style’
Aunt Jamesina
If I had her budget, this would be my goal at all times, TBH.
Cat
The current midi skirt trend is your friend here IMHO. I went 6ish years ago and wore either leggings under a tunic style dress, or skirts that hit below the knee along with fitted short-sleeve tees. Like, no one was going to mistake me for a local, but I wanted to look appropriate. I think I was successful.
Ses
UV blocking shirts with long sleeves. A lot of my exploration was outdoors and in open markets and it was sunny every day (in December) so I got a burn on places not covered. If I were going back I’d bring a lightweight long sleeve hiking shirt from REI and a hat with a brim.
Anon
I went this summer – you’ll be fine with a midi dress or skirt with short sleeved tops, and a scarf if you’re going into a mosque. I recommend a visit to Patisserie Benis. If you have time I’d spend a day in Rabat.
Anon
Linen. And also bring a puffy jacket–the desert is cold at night.
Anonymous
I spontaneously bought a sewing machine on a great Black Friday sale because I’m only 5 ft 2 and would like to learn how to hem my clothes (since so few stores and styles offer petites or short lengths anymore!). I figure hemming a few pieces myself will pay for the cost of the machine. The catch is that I have no idea how to sew, and my only friend who does lives on the other coast (so I can FaceTime her but she can’t show me hands on).
What are the best resources for learning how to sew?
To make matters harder, I have absolutely terrible spatial reasoning.
Anon
JoAnn’s and similar stores offer classes.
anon
I would definitely go this route! Especially if spatial reasoning is a challenge. I am similar, and I would really struggle to learn from videos, I think. Fun fact, my mom made me take sewing lessons when I was a kid. 10-year-old me was completely NOT into the idea. While it never really took as a hobby, I’m glad to know that I can do it, if that makes sense.
Emma
There are lots of YT videos about threading your specific machine which is step one. Then I taught myself by sewing straight lines on old rags and such, and how to work the different settings of the machine. And then move on to hemming and simple projects like square pillowcases. I honestly kind of stopped there and never got around to making my own clothes so I can’t help you there but I use the machine a lot to hem my pants and curtains or make simple decor stuff like the bunting in my daughter’s room.
Annie Nominous
I’m using a variety of resources like friends, YT and even library books.
Anon
I learned from online classes at Closet Core Patterns, I really recommend them!
Anon
I actually wouldn’t recommend these classes. There are so many good ones out there, and Closet Core are pretty badly done in comparison. I’d look at the Tilly and the Buttons classes instead.
Anon
My daughter taught herself entirely using YouTube but I once took a series of classes at a fabric store and I recommend that method too.
long-time sewist
My mom taught me to use a sewing machine by having me sew notebook paper. Basically, put a needle in the machine with no thread and feed the notebook paper through, trying to stay on the lines. Play with speeds, try turning to get to next line, play with stitch length. You can try doing a zigzag stitch and keeping the line centered. You will ruin that needle, but learn a lot about how your machine handles.
There are a lot of great tutorials out there on how to hem and alter ready-to-wear clothing, both in blogs and on youtube.
Nesprin
Honestly, hemming is one of those things where you need a second person to help, and a machine helps less than you’d think. For taking in things, machine helps a ton.
The way I’d do it is undo all the seams at the bottom (i.e. cut them open) so the raw edge hangs down. Cut to ~4″ longer than the correct length- you’ll need a 2nd person to mark off the right length while you wear item and stand up straight. Using your machine, sew a hem tape onto the bottom edge. Put item back on+ the shoes you’d wear with it, get your helper again and have them fold up material, measure distance from ground (i.e. 3″ off the ground) pin in place at this length. Then hand whipstitch the hem tape into place.
Anon
Hemming needs to be done by hand. No machine needed.
Anon
Oh no to the Steve Harvey noes on this jacket!
Clementine
Literally LOL. I actually need to clean my keyboard after that… Now that you’ve said it, I can’t unsee it.
Oh, and my office neighbor just checked on me to make sure I was okay…
Anon
If this is how to get our skinny pants back, hard pass.
Anon
I feel like this stuff is what the designers figured that we needed after COVID-15 + years of sweats.
pugsnbourbon
Big Grimace vibes. Did you know he’s supposed to be a giant taste bud?
Panda Bear
I did NOT know, and now I… am not sure if I wanted to!
Anon
I cannot wait until this trend is over.
Anon
I’m apparently one of the few here who likes a long jacket. But not this jacket. What in the shapeless hell?
waffles
this might be the worst jacket I have seen in a very long time.
Trish
This is NOT an 80s jacket! Blazers during the 80s had shape and style. Clair Huxtable would not wear this.
Peloton
I do not understand why we are apparently paying $550 to wear the things our moms or aunts are kind of embarrassed they wore back in the day. It’s like we are binge eating bad fashion right now.
Anonymous
Can anyone comment on Packs bags? I’m particularly interested in the Maya tote.
It seems to be one of the few totes that has everything I’m looking for: zipper closure, interior pockets, key leash, external pocket, luggage sleeve, adequate size (especially depth!) to carry what I need, and nice looking design (sorry but I do not care for the look of the OG), and it’s in budget for me.
Anonamoose
I’m in DC for a work trip and so far, this week’s calendar looks lighter than anticipated outside of a few key meetings. Does anyone have ideas for great DC-isms to fill a few 1-2 hour holes in my schedule and 2 free evenings? I used to live here and absolutely loved the city, but I feel like a visitor now that everything’s changed post-COVID and would love some ideas to re-experience the city. I’m in Metro Center and have plans to check out the portrait gallery and maybe a Smithsonian one afternoon, but I’d love some other ideas from those more familiar with the city. TIA!
Anon
I never spent enough time at the Corcoran.
Anon
Hasn’t the Corcoran been closed for almost a decade?
I think the collection went to the National Museum of Art, but I’m not sure it’s on display as a collection.
Anon
That would explain it! I didn’t go and it had to close :(
Anonymous
Zoo Lights
And since you’re staying at Metro Center, I hope you get a few pastries from Paul :)
Anne-on
I’ve only been to DC solo a few times and I always try to fit in an afternoon at the national gallery and the gardens if the weather is nice. I’ve heard the museum of the American Indian is fantastic.
anon
There is a holiday market right next to Gallery Place!
Anon
Coming here to say this!
Anonymous
Kramerbooks in DuPont Circle for browsing and dinner.
Anon
I always get a drink and dinner at Off the Record in the Hay Adams.
Shelle
Cosigning Off the Record! My other idea is the rooftop bar at the Hotel Washington overlooking the White House, Treasury building and Washington Monument.
Anon
Co-sign both of these.
Anon
If you are a Taylor Swift fan maybe one evening going to the Taylor Swift inspired pop up bar? https://www.washingtonian.com/2022/11/22/a-taylor-swift-inspired-christmas-bar-is-sparkling-in-navy-yard/. Take an uber to/from.
Anonymous
Wow. I can’t believe this is a thing. How sad.
Anon
?
Anon
Why is this sad? I’m not a Taylor Swift superfan but I think this is cute.
Anon
Do you always sht on other people’s fun?
Close in to DC
My favorite museum is the Renwick — fairly close to you at 17th and Pennsylvania.
Planet Word Museum — 13th and I — is unique and worth an hour or two.
If you’re doing Christmas shopping for kids, the gift stores at the Natural History Museum or the Air and Space museums are good stops.
Anonymous
There’s a brand new museum called the Ruebell with contemporary art.
Anon
The Wharf buildout is a ‘new’ dc thing you can visit. (RIP Cantina Marina)
Jules
I also love the Renwick (across the street from the White House), and the Portrait Gallery. FWIW, the Portrait Gallery is the only Smithsonian building (or one of the few that is open past 5, I think until 7, so save it for last and enjoy one of the great reastaurants that are right there such as Zaytinya. My favorite non-Smithsonian museum is the Phillips Collection near Dupont Circle.
You might look to see what live theater is going on while you’re there. On a work trip to DC a few years ago I went to a performance at the Folger Shakespeare Theatre and it was wonderful.
CapHillAnon
Planet Word Museum is new and great! Closed Mon and Tues, but if you’re around Wed, you should swing by. It is clever and engaging, one of the best new museum I’ve seen.
JoJo
My Cuyana tote is wearing away at the corners, which I was not expecting given the great reviews. I bought it in summer 2021, used it daily for two weeks (trial), used it rarely until this fall, and now I use it daily. Is it worth reaching out to customer service about this?
Anonymous
Definitely. I carried mine daily for 3 years and it shows no wear.
Anon
Yeah, that’s unusual.
Anon
Yes, reach out. I’ve banged mine around for 4+ years and it doesn’t look like that.
Anon
After reading last week’s thread, I was feeling a little guilty that my usual list of things that annoyed me about my husband (constantly hungry, stinking up the bathroom, napping a lot) were probably all related to undiagnosed Crohn’s.
I feel that IBD has come up here before, so now that he’s diagnosed, what might I want to know about living with it? He’s started some long term meds while tapering off steroids, but we’re still waiting to see if this is going to work. Hopefully the treatment will just work and we won’t have much to worry about in the near future! But I’m looking at stats on long term outcomes and feeling that I don’t want anything to sneak up on me the way the diagnosis itself just did.
Curious
I don’t have advice; that’s hard. One anecdote. My sister has digestive problems unrelated to Crohn’s (FODMAP sensitivities, wheat issues) and was really struggling to absorb nutrients, even a year after eliminating all triggers. She was sick a lot and taking lots of naps. She started using the (pricey) Athletic Greens substitute and saw a marked difference in 2-3 weeks. We think it accelerated gut repair in some way.
Curious
*supplement, not substitute
Anon
Thanks, I will look this up! He’s on a low residue (so, low vegetable) diet for now until follow up imaging is done, and the doctor recommended he supplement in some way but kind of punted the decision on what to take to a future dietician consult (which hasn’t happened yet). So he’s been drinking a lot of Suja Uber Greens, but I’m guessing that isn’t the kind of supplement the doctor had in mind, so something like a greens supplement may actually help going forward if vegetables are going to be an ongoing issue.
Curious
Oh, good luck. I hope the dietician is helpful. I spoke to several people about nutrition after chemo and really found it useful. Hope you get good help once you get in, too.
food
I used to cook for a family member on a low residue diet. It is very important to have a doctor and nutritionist on board early, and to make sure vitamin deficiencies don’t develop/worsen. Once you get a system going, and know what vitamins you need to take, and have doctors you have faith in, usually things stabilize and your husband should do well. The transition does take time, but you are on your way.
Watch his mood, as depression is really common with these GI disorders. I think they actually wonder if it is related to the disease, as there is a complicated interaction between the gut and the nervous system. So reassure him it is normal (unfortunately) to feel down/anxious with this diagnosis, but be sure to let the GI doctor and PCP know if his mood drops and if it doesn’t improve with conservative things (eg. good sleep/sun exposure/exercise/counseling). You want to get on mediation sooner rather than later if needed, as depressed mood/anxiety has dramatic effects on appetite AND it messes with your bowel function.
For well tolerated fruits/veg that were low residue, a fruit smoothie every morning with berries/banana/yogurt and if higher protein is desired is a great way to start – we added milk or premier protein +/- protein powder. You can do green smoothies too, if he likes them, avocado if more calories are needed. My family member also needed high protein/calorie, so the biggest bang for the buck were peanut + almond butter smoothies with banana/chocolate premier protein/yogurt etc.. Some people really like V8 juice, and if he can tolerate the salt, it is convenient. Cooking vegetables well is important and the ones we ate a lot were sweet potatoes, purple potatoes, cooked tomato sauces, butternut squash and then – it is easy to puree some of the more challenging vegetables. Spinach is so easy to steam, and then throw a bunch in one of those bullet blenders just for a few seconds with some salt. We ate a lot of spinach, but it’s delicious pureed with salt and butter (we would only purees his portion). Sweet or purple potato mashed or roasted for most meals as one of at least 2 veg per dinner. You can try to puree whatever vegetable he really likes – just cook really well first (I usually steamed). Lots of pureed soups – tomato/carrot/squash/sweet potato etc… And look online or buy a purees cookbook as some things puree better than others. Look at Trader Joe’s for soups to get you started. Simply Nutritious Mega Green juice was the one recommended to us, but honestly most of these “juices” are mostly fruit juice/lots of sugar, but still…. they are convenient and better than nothing.
Good luck. Remember… you don’t have to fix everything perfectly, immediately. He has had this for awhile, and it’s ok to do your best and optimize as you can over time. Some things will work / not work for him, so you learn as you go. Don’t let him become totally dependent on you to do all this. HE needs to be on top of it.
Anon
Thank you for the tips! He can’t seem to tolerate much salt (based on blood pressure) or practically any carbs (based on blood sugar) on prednisone, but prednisone isn’t forever. But right now sucks! You can see why I can’t wait for him to get in with a dietician.
For now he has added a lower carb elemental diet to use supplementally on the doc’s recommendation (if only insurance would cover it), so I hope that will help cover some bases. I’ll try the spinach too! Thank goodness for bullet blenders. Nut butters were out on the low residue diet list we were given (Why are they not more consistent? Who knows).
He is the cook around here, so I haven’t actually been helping him out much. His mood usually seems okay to me, but our cat died not long ago (from feline IBD, unbelievably). He has a primary care appt. coming up soon where I’m hoping they’ll discuss the broader health context (sleep, mood) a little more.
Thank you for sharing from your experience. It does help me wrap my mind around it.
anon
Honestly, Crohn’s varies widely from person to person. The main thing I’d say to be aware of is that things change – so treatment may work for a while, and then stop working and you have to try something else. Just be prepared for that, because we were really struggling when my child’s initial treatment stopped working.
Also, be prepared for and have a good way to respond to the many, many people who will want to explain the restrictive diet, dietary supplement, acupuncture treatment, or meditation exercise that they are sure will fix this. The number of people who have tried to tell me that if my child just stopped eating dairy/did meditation/took COq10 that she’d be cured…
Anonymous
Why do people know about your child’s Crohn’s in the first place? I do not tell anyone about my health conditions or my child’s health conditions unless they truly need to know for safety or caregiving reasons. My child’s teachers know more about her health than her own grandparents do. This eliminates the intrusive comments and prevents you/your child from being viewed primarily through the lens of illness. Maintaining privacy works even with conditions that are quite serious that you’d think other people would notice–they really don’t.
Aunt Jamesina
I feel like that would be a pretty difficult medical issue to hide if you’re around your family with any regularity, particularly if they ever babysit.
anon
I don’t know how much experience you have with Crohn’s or IBD, but for a person who has a severe form of those conditions, it’s not something that is easily hidden.
My daughter misses an enormous amount of school, activities, playdates, and other stuff for necessary medical treatments (she requires two endoscopies and two colonoscopies annually, multiple MRIs annually, and monthly infusions, plus regular meetings with her GI doctor, GI nutritionist, and the counselor who supports her through all of this). She also needs to be able to have immediate access to a bathroom wherever she is because of the possibility of sudden vomiting or diarrhea, and has to carry a change of clothes and clean-up supplies with her in case she doesn’t get to a restroom in time. And she’s lost a massive amount of weight due to malabsorption.
Trust me, I’d rather not have my child defined by her illness, but in my world, people notice when a child misses 30 days of school and frequently has to skip activities, loses 20+ pounds in a year, has to carry a change of clothes with her at all times, and frequently vomits in public. Her friends’ parents need to know so that they can ensure she has bathroom access when playing with their kids or sleeping over, and can help her if there’s an accident. Her camp counselors need to know for the same reason. And most of her friends know because at some point you do have to explain why she keeps having to run outside to throw up or that even though she’s cancelled three playdates in a row, it’s because she’s sick, not because she doesn’t like you.
Anon
You are such a good Mom. Thank you for all of your love and devotion to your daughter’s health. It makes a world of difference, and when she grows up she will tell you how grateful she is for what you have done.
People who have never had a catastrophic illness or accident or truly life changing health problems just have no idea. It is very depressing to be a family up-ended, and to not be understood and to have to struggle for what you need. I try to tell myself that most people are trying to help, in their own way.
Most people will become enlightened at some point in life. An if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you are so so so so lucky, and I hope you kiss the ground you walk on every day.
Anon
So sorry that you’ve had to go through this with a child; I can’t imagine.
It kind of looks like the research may eventually reveal subtypes? It’s an interesting time to be diagnosed with so many treatments still in trials and so many entire theories of what causes the condition floating around. It is a bit overwhelming to me compared to the medical conditions I have, which happen to be ones we’ve understood pretty well for generations now. I hope that all the current research does lead to treatments that will help both our loved ones going forward.
The just world fallacy / illness is a choice contingent are exhausting with the lifestyle and one weird trick advice! I try to let it go or frame it as coming from a place of caring.
anon
Yes, it’s been rough. Our child is on her third biologic after failing two in less than a year. This one is doing better, but her condition is severe and challenging. There are many people who are fine for decades on the same drug, though – there’s just such wide variation in how the disease manifests.
I do try to attribute it to good intentions, but yes, it becomes very, very exhausting. A lot of people also don’t understand the difference between IBD and IBS (the latter being much more frequently tied to food triggers), which leads to many of the just cut out gluten/dairy/processed foods/soy/nuts suggestions. Our GI practice has a staff dietitian who is an IBD specialist, and we meet with her often – in general unless you are observing that a food is linked to flares, there isn’t a specific diet recommendation (and since many Crohn’s patients lose a ton of weight, unnecessarily restricting food choices can be much more damaging for them…).
H13
Just wanted to send hugs. I have a child with ulcerative colitis and it is a really long, hard, lonely road.
Anon
Failing biologics pretty quickly is one of the possibilities I’m worried about; I’m sorry she’s already experienced this. I have a primary immune deficiency, and I learned at a recent IDF webinar on GI issues that PIDD can be a factor sometimes with IBD treatment resistance. I’m waiting to see if we need to follow up on that, but at least I already know a good immunologist if one is needed. I saw that there wasn’t really a specific diet other than the short term elemental diets, but since there are some foods that he feels bother him, I’m glad he’ll have someone to discuss it all with.
Anon
Fwiw, CBD has done wonders for my stomach issues.
anon
This situation sucks and is hard, but it is also manageable. Spouse has Crohn’s. He was both quite sick when we met and as healthy as he had been in 10 years. We’re about 10 years married and he is much healthier now than he was then. A few things I have observed / do as the partner:
(0) There is going to be a learning curve. Both of you should go easy on yourself as you figure out a new normal.
(1) Even well controlled, there will likely be flare ups. You/spouse will work out how to handle these, and he/doctor will work out if/when he needs to wait for improvement/take steroids/go to the doctor right away. I just take over everything I can and drop anything I can’t. I do all the house/kid stuff during that time but I drastically cut back on high effort meals and only do laundry if someone is out of a particular item of clothing.
(2) Follow the GI’s instructions. Don’t try to manage anything with diet alone.
(3) On the other hand, he will learn if he has any food/timing triggers. My spouse currently oscillates btw being able to eat everything vs. eating meat/bread/potatoes around the dosing of his biologic. When we got married though, he pretty much couldn’t eat any fruits or vegetables.
(4) It is scary, yes, but know that it often does go into long term remission. Spouse’s GI kept assuring him a remission is normal after a long period of treatment, and was likely in his future. It took a while, but spouse did get a remission. Hang in there.
Anonymous
Seek out for support for yourself, because as the “well spouse” your needs and concerns and issues may conflict and be different from his. (Already I’m sensing some guilt that you weren’t aware of the impact of his condition on your life – totally normal). There are organizations that provide support for the family members of people with chronic illnesses (and there’s one specific for spouses that I am affiliated with, and can share if it’s of interest). And strap in for the long haul. As somebody else said, this is a condition that’s going to change over time and come up in your lives in unpredictable ways.
H13
I hope the initial treatment works for him long term! I have a child with ulcerative colitis and these are things I remind myself of often:
– There will likely be another flare. Just because the road has been smooth for week or months or years, a flare can still happen. It doesn’t mean the world is ending even if it feels like it is.
– We have not been able to identify any particular triggers as much as I wish that we could. We repeatedly hear that stress is the biggest trigger. Still, as others have mentioned above, people will ask you about what he is eating and he should try adding/eliminating x, y, and z.
– Don’t be afraid of treatment. It can take a while to find what works and, thankfully, there are options.
– Therapy for you and DH!
– The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation has a lot of great resources — take advantage of them!
I’m sure I will think of more. Hang in there!
Anon
Thank you!! And thank you all; I appreciate this community so much.
Anonymous
Holiday gift suggestion- for my aunts/uncles. I want to go with a consumable. budget up to $100 but closer to $50 is fine. I don’t want to do flowers, but am open to non-food ideas if you have them.
Everybody is in their 60s/early 70s with no specific dietary restrictions, but I do think some of them are “watching what they eat” (various degrees of what that actually means, I have no idea, but I wouldn’t send a sack of cookies or like 3 pies.) None of them have children of their own if that matters. We don’t see each other on holidays anymore but we used to all the time as kids/young adults.
What are your favorite holiday baskets? Ideally from a company as they are in shipping distance, not drop off at their home. I’ve done Wolfermans before and could do that again. I have also sent fruit boxes in the past which I love personally but am not sure if it’s fun/festive enough.
96 year old grandma is getting Christmas flowers.
Anon
It’s cliche, but cliche for a reason: Harry & David. Pears, nuts, chocolate. Festive without being too calorie heavy.
Senior Attorney
If you do that, do a mix of fruit and treats. Some people love one or the other and the sweets lovers will be diappointed to get all fruit and vice versa. (Signed, ask me how I know.)
Also I am that age and I would adore a Della Robbia Wreath or similar. Bonus is you could make it an annual tradition and never worry about it again.
Anon
Agree. I was being quite literal about “pears, nuts, chocolate.” :)
Senior Attorney
Boom! Perfect!
Anonymous
Zingermans gift baskets. They have a huge variety for all different occasions. Big hit with everyone who has received one from me.
Vicky Austin
My parents love Wolferman’s.
You could also have a look at Goldbelly – it’s not just sweets. I did get a wonderful GF cake mix from there for a dear friend whose kids have celiac and they had a super fun time making it together and all being able to enjoy it at the end.
Anonymous
Any specific wolfernans recs? I thought maybe 4 dozen muffins would be a bit much for an older couple that lives alone :).
Vicky Austin
You can freeze them! Especially if the intended use is to toast them, it’s just a few seconds more to toast from frozen than from fresh.
Ses
Following for ideas. I like to get my older relatives nice cooking ingredients in small quantities that don’t spoil. Olive oil, nice salt. A few fancy truffles. Maybe a small move hand lotion or chapstick.
Mouse
I just bought someone a spice gift set from Burlap & Barrel and they’re lovely! Would definitely recommend.
Liza
I like gifting a plant in a nice pot rather than flowers. More durable, and the pot makes a nice reusable container.
Anon
Agree. Love Calyx Flowers for this or White Flower Farm for gorgeous amaryllis.
Anonymous
Love Penzey’s spices for gifts like this.
Anon
My mom and uncle liked the Christmas wreaths I got them last year. I ordered them thru a friend’s kid’s Boy Scout troop.
Anonymous
I don’t have a specific company, as I have purchased locally, but my grandparents loved a variety of jellies and jams I sent to them along with some apple butter.
Greensleeves
If you’re a member, Costco has some nice holiday baskets. We send them to out-of-state family every year and have been told they’re great.
MagicUnicorn
I still dream about Double Good popcorn years after a happy client sent us a variety box years ago.
Anon
Cheese making kits.
Anon
Gift ideas for my nieces, please.
One is a sophomore at a SLAC, enjoys music, painting, reading obsure biographies, not really into clothes or makeup. The other is a high school senior who aspires to be an IG influener. She’s applying to colleges and will major in Economics. She swims, and dances, likes hair stuff, makeup, nail stuff. They have all the latest electronic gadgets, their own cars, and part time jobs.
Looking for stuff in the $25-50 range. Need to buy the younger one a birthday gift and a high school graduation gift this year as well, so I’ll store any extra ideas until then.
Anonymous
starbucks gift card for each. Depending on where the SLAC is, maybe a nice set of gloves & hat, with a gift receipt. A cozy blanket, with gift receipt.
eliselise
Get a matching sweater set (sweater top and sweater pants) for the influencer. Just go on Amazon and look up “sweater matching set”
Vicky Austin
My sister is a college swimmer and asked for one of those massage gun things for Christmas.
Obscure biographies is an awesome interest for a college sophomore. What is she majoring in? I love reading biographies of female authors like the Brontes or Daphne du Maurier and can make recommendations in that vein, or maybe you could go the painters route and find one about Georgia O’Keeffe.
Cb
Less obscure but new, Belle Greene by Alexandre Lapierre. It was gorgeous!
Vicky Austin
I’d never heard of this woman – fascinating! Thanks Cb!
Cat
I read the bio of the Widow Cliquot (Veuve Cliquot) – fascinating!
Vicky Austin
ooh that one’s on my list – glad to hear you liked!
Anonymous
for the younger, a lulu belt bag if she doesn’t have one. Filled with gift cards.
anon
Bookshop.org gift card for #1, sephora or ulta giftcard for #2.
Carrots
Can obscure biographies also cover different ways of telling the story for very well known figures? I’m thinking of Alexis Coe’s “You never forget your first,” which came out a few years ago and is about George Washington, but veers from the normal biographies of him. A local bookstore may also be able to help with finding something that’s a bit more obscure.
For the senior, are there some smaller, travel sized electronic gadgets you can get her that she can use on the go? Like aren’t there little ring lights you can attach to your phone compared to the giant ones that sit on desks?
Curious
Do you know if the younger one has a topic she influences on? If so, perhaps something related?
Seafinch
Mary S. Lovell biographies are incredible. I have read them all and all are fantastic.
Sunshine
If she is nerdy enough, supply and demand earings from Dismal Design on Etsy. Link in next comment.
Sunshine
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1021660212/economics-themed-earrings?click_key=9f0ef99d7c289dc10c7c8fc4029ab9cd30d61035%3A1021660212&click_sum=bf4702ca&ref=shop_home_recs_1
Anon
Those are cute!
Anonymous
The Personal Librarian, recent biographical historical fiction about Belle da Costa Greene, JP Morgan’s archivist/mistress.
Anon
Following for the biography recs. Two-Way Mirror by Fiona Sampson is a great biography of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Also Red Comet by Heather Clark, biography of Sylvia Plath, is fantastic. And Denise Levertov: A Poet’s Life by Dana Greene, really good.
Ribena
Romantic Outlaws is great, about Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Shelley.
Anon
A Mighty Girl is a website that regales famous and not-so-famous women, and has curated bio lists for children to adult readers. You will definitely find some awesome suggestions there. Also recommend the Warmth of Other Suns, which is non-fiction but reads like fiction and is one of the best books I’ve ever read.
anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for a bullet-style blender (i.e., a nutribullet) that uses a glass cup? I’m trying to find one because I use my blender all the time for hot soups. Would prefer a bullet blender because our kitchen is super small, so it has to be stored away.
I have heard you can put a mason jar on a Nutribullet, but I’m hesitant to do that because I am blending up hot soups in it and I heard they can explode from the heat. If I’m wrong though I’d love to know that!
We have a stick blender, but I don’t think I know how to use it right. Whenever I try to blend stuff, it splatters on me in a very scary (hot soup) way…
Anon
I have a stick blender. If you push it down (but not past the “don’t immerse past here” line, it seems to do fine. It’s if it’s a shallow amount of liquid that things spatter. In that case a pot with 3-4″ of sides above the liquid should do the trick. We have a bullet thing gathering dust (or not, since it’s in a drawer now, unused).
Anon
+1 for an immersion blender for hot soups. It’s safer, dirt cheap, smaller and easy to clean.
Anon
+1, for soup, a stick blender is the solution. And it’s easy to store in a small kitchen.
No Problem
Agreed, it sounds like you’re just not using it right. You have to make sure the blade part is fully submerged whenever it is on, otherwise it will spatter at you. It it also a good idea to position your body away from the pot and not be leaning over it while blending, so if it does spatter it is limited to your hand or forearm. We have all learned these lessons the hard way!
Anon
Another +1. You don’t need a new gadget. The stick blender is perfect. Just keep it immersed.
Anon
The glass that mason jars are made of can definitely explode from the heat.
Borosilicate glass is more heat resistant, but I’m actually not sure if it’s important that it can vent (which of course it can’t do in a nutribullet model!).
Anon
+1
Yes, yes, yes. You can’t puree hot things on a bullet type blender except for a couple seconds and then quickly unscrew cap and release the steam. Or you wait for the soup to cool. You could cause a dangerous glass explosion.
You need to trouble shoot your immersion stick blender thing – watch some YouTube videos.
Anon
Sometimes baby food blenders are made with heat-resistant glass mixing jars. I don’t know if they have any flipped models though!
Anon
Honestly, if you’re not going to use a stick blender, a regular one is way better for soup than a bullet-type blender.
Aunt Jamesina
I also recommend an immersion blender. Don’t you need a blender jar with a venting lid when blending hot liquids? I don’t think any of the bullet blenders have that feature.
Anonymous
How to use your stick blender for hot stuff, IMO:
1) Don’t blend at a rolling boil, take pot off heat and let stand a little.
2) Wear an oven glove on the hand that holds the pot steady.
3) Use a stick blender without holes on the side.
4) Use the blender at an ANGLE in the pot, this is important. Hold it steady, at a 45 degree angle, at the lowest setting to start, away from yourself. You want all the action to be below surface, and holding the blender at an angle you’ll create a little maelstrom that will move all contents. This does not work for stick blenders with holes, they cant make the whirlpool effect.
No Problem
How do you all manage your recipes? I prefer a printed recipe (vs. reading one on my phone), but currently I have written recipes on all sorts of paper and index cards in a stack in a drawer, and still use my phone to look up new recipes or find ones that I have used before but never bothered to print off. Ideally I’d like something where all the recipes are on the same size of paper – probably printer paper since I do use recipes I find online. Do you just stick them in plastic sleeves in a binder to keep them contained? Some other method? I’m trying to clean up my junk drawer where all of these are stored.
Curious
Yes, I have a little binder with plastic sleeves and note cards/ magazine clippings / etc.
Anon
Similar — regular binder with sheet protectors. I put savory/dinner/whatever recipes starting from the front and sweet/baking starting from the back. They are not otherwise organized but could be. For two page recipes, I put them on the left then right sheet protector so I can see the whole thing without turning the page (rather than back and front). I would love to have a cuter system but this is practical.
I recently traveled for thanksgiving and was planning to cook there, so I just took out the recipes I needed and brought them with me.
Anon
I email it to myself after I make it once and like it. If I keep making it 3-4 more times and think I’ll make it regularly, I add it to a nicely formatted file, print it out and put in a binder with plastic sleeves.
Anonymous
I print everything on letter-size paper and use a plastic accordion file with dividers for things like soups, veg main dishes, meat dishes, etc. It’s a little less chaotic than no system at all but easier for me to deal with than a binder.
Anon
Yep, page protectors in a 3-ring binder, with dividers to organize by category. Desserts get a separate binder. A recipe only makes the binder after I’ve made it once and determined it is a keeper. It works fine, and I can remove individual recipes as I make them (to get a closer look across the kitchen) or when I decide not to make them any more.
In-House in Houston
Same. It’s great b/c I can put magazine clippings as well as printed recipes. And the page protectors are great b/c you can wipe them down if you get food on them. it’s old-school but works for me.
Anon
I have a Google Doc of all my favorite recipes. Once a recipe makes the cut, they get typed into the Google Doc (typed in the same style for uniformity) and printed out and put in a notebook with sheet protectors. Having it on a Google Doc is really convenient for when I’m out grocery shopping and need to remember the ingredients in a dish.
I update the Google Doc every time I find a keeper recipe, but TBH, the notebook only gets updated every couple years. It’s a good project for that quiet week between Christmas and New Years.
Senior Attorney
I use the Paprika app to manage recipes and I love it. I print out the recipes when I want to actually cook something and, alas, keep them in a drawer like you do.
Vicky Austin
I LOVE Paprika, but I also want to make my kitchen a phone-free zone eventually, so I have years-old plans to copy my favorite internet-only recipes to a pretty box of recipe cards my SIL gave me ages ago.
Anon
I love paprika too. I have two young adult kids who like to cook, and I can send them the text of recipes from Paprika too. (Which is handy if the recipe is from a subscription site like NTYT)
Aunt Jamesina
I save recipes on Pinterest boards and then I have my family recipes and certain keeper online ones that I want to be sure to keep in docs on my Google Drive. I use an old Kindle Fire tablet or my phone on a stand that folds flat as my cookbook. I like being able to easily make revisions or notes and looking things up while shopping. I’m also unreasonably annoyed by printing things out since I swear every other time I go to print my printer is out of ink. I would never keep up with a binder.
MBAMags
I use and love Plan to Eat to collect recipes, but I also have file box of printed recipes, magazine clippings, etc.
Anon
Old fashioned recipe cards and box. Bookmark folder called “recipes” in Safari that syncs with my computer and phone. If I make an online recipe often enough, it gets written on a card. Family recipes also go on the cards.
In-House in Houston
Hoodie recommendation for the hubby please! I realized over the weekend that he only has a really heavy hoodie and that he needs a lighter-weight one for when it’s just a little chilly. I know I can get one anywhere…but wanted to get him a nice once with some thought behind it. Pockets are a must since he’ll use it to walk the four-legged kids. Thanks ladies.
No Face
I love American Giant for my husband.
Anon
+1
KL
Vuori. Their stuff is so so soft, and it holds up really well. I have to zip ups from them and love them.
In-House in Houston
Thanks for the recommendation. I bought the Coronado hoodie. Tons of great reviews and I joined their mailing list and got 20% off!!
Thanks to those of you who gave me suggestions!
Coats
Arcteryx Atom LT. It is amazing. I borrowed my husband’s for months I liked it so much until a color I wanted came in stock.
Anon
Eddie Bauer. Love their sweats!
anon
Anyone experience swelling in one leg? About 8 years ago, my right leg swelled up for the first time. Not super big, I only noticed because I was wearing knee boots and the leg all of a sudden started getting tight. Since then its happened on and off, never too much but enough for me to be aware of it. I don’t have any health issues, I have had two children but this happened before I was ever pregnant. I don’t think it’s tied to anything I’m eating or drinking, nor to any exercise or strain because sometimes I wake up and I can already feel it swollen. Again, its very slight, you can’t even notice it if you are looking at both my legs, but I can feel it and if I was wearing knee high boots, I would definitely notice it even more. I have my annual check up in February, so I thought I’d just bring it up then. In past, I’ve never remembered to mention it because it comes and goes (doesn’t happen for several months, and then all of a sudden comes back). I don’t think it’s tied to the weather, but I could be wrong. Any thoughts or experiences?
anon
I have a relative who has had one slightly swollen lower leg her entire life. Apparently the valve in the vein in her foot is a little wonky. It it pretty constant for her, not intermittent like you are describing though.
anon
Huh, mine is in my lower leg, too, below the knee. How did she get the issue diagnosed? A specialist?
Cat
sounds like something cardiovascular- any chance of clotting??
Anon
Yeah this happened to my FiL and it was a massive blood clot. Please go to a doctor!
Curious
+1. Sounds like a version of varicose veins. My foot does this periodically. Compression stockings help it recover.
Anonymous
+1 – I would get this looked at sooner rather than later; if you have a blood clot it could migrate to your lungs and cause an embolism.
Anon.
Agree with anyone suggesting going to the doc. This may be a clotting problem.
Curious
yeesh scary.
Anon
I am not a doctor and I imagine there are a lot of things that could cause this – but a friend of mine once had swelling in one leg and it turned out to be a blood clot. It may well be nothing, but I would not wait until February to get this checked. I would push for an appointment this week and consider urgent care if your doctor can’t see you.
No Problem
Google two things: deep vein thrombosis and compartment syndrome.
How long does this go on for when you get it? Like the length of time when you sit funny and your foot goes numb, and you get pins and needles for a few minutes while the blood rushes back? Or like days or weeks?
It really sounds like you’re having some kind of blood clot that could be extremely dangerous and life threatening and you should really make an appointment with your doctor immediately.
Anon
Please have it checked out. A close relative had something similar and it was cervical cancer. Don’t want to alarm, as it could be something completely benign.
Anon
Generally swelling in one leg only is a major concern (like a get to the hospital that day level concern), especially for women taking birth control.
Anon
Asymmetry absent a cause is always concerning.
Anonymous
+1 to women taking birth control — Covid also causes clotting (it’s one of the recognized forms of Long Covid and you may not be aware of it).
Cb
I had this and it was a massive blood clot (10 inches…), but it was consistent and painful. My mom has swollen lymph nodes in her thighs which causes swelling which comes and goes.
Anon
Yeah if it’s coming and going it’s probably not a blood clot. But it seems like something that should be checked out sooner rather than later.
Paging Holiday Cards
To the poster looking for holiday cards – we used to get MOMAStore cards from a vendor and looked forward to them every year. This one is really beautiful: https://store.moma.org/products/northern-lights-holiday-cards-set-of-8?variant=42994351177958
Anon
Hey y’all! My credit card stopped working and it turns out that I got flagged for a KYC review. I am like the most boring person on the planet. Same job and same house for 10+ years. No big income fluxuations. Travel to dull domestic places and even that was curtailed by the pandemic. Transactions only in $ (vs wiring crypto to the Bahamas). I drive a MINIVAN. It IS a Monday.
Anon
Whoa I didn’t even know this was a thing, and I’ve wired money to the Caribbean lol. Hope it goes smoothly!
anon
Have you pulled your credit reports recently? I would do so.
Cat
+1!
Anon
That is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of and I work in the KYC/AML field. The last thing they do is put a stop on an account.
Anon
Can I rant? I am dying at my new job. I was hired as an advisor on X topic, but it has turned into just learning and enforcing asinine company semantics about how documents are written in Word and our internal document viewer. It’s clear that I’m not going to grow in my actual industry. I’ve applied to a few external roles, but no call backs yet. Please send me good vibes for the right call back. A Christmas miracle, perhaps.
Panda Bear
Good vibes your way. That sounds so frustrating!
Anonymous
This is embarrassing but I’m going to ask since there’s a lot of health discussion here. Has anyone suffered from hemorrhoids? If so, what did you do that helped? I’ve had a really painful flare up recently and would love some tips.
Cat
Tuck’s witch hazel pads and being super hydrated.
PolyD
I actually buy bottles of witch hazel and pour some on toilet paper for cleaning up. That way I don’t have to mess with the “flushable” wipes and the witch hazel is soothing.
Traveler
Sitz bath – a basin that goes on your toilet… use for 10 mins several times a day, add a little salt and baking soda.
Prep H or other Hydrocortisone cream
Recticare or other Lidocaine if it’s super painful.
Anon
Preparation H ointment is the classic treatment for a reason. A sitz bath provided short term relief. My doctor said that getting regular exercise, especially walking, is important because it keeps things moving properly in the system. Also consider your seat if you’re sitting at a desk all day. You may need an ergonomic seat cushion. It might take a while, but be patient and consistent with the Prep H and it should eventually go away.
Anon
Don’t sit on the toilet any longer than you have do. Do your business then get up. Don’t take your phone into the bathroom.
If you can’t quickly do your business then start using Metamucil every morning. It’s not so bad.
For immediate relief, what everyone else suggested.
anon
For immediate relief, what everyone else says. For long term relief, you’ll have to find out what’s causing it and address the issue. For me it was a combination of poor diet and a cyst that exacerbated my constipation. For the longest time eating right wasn’t helping until the cyst was removed.
Curious
Lots of Miralax to soften stools, Senna to keep it regular, magnesium on top of that if needed. Plus prep H. Hemorrhoids suck, but don’t be embarrassed — they’re so common, especially in people who have ever been pregnant or on certain constipating meds.
Anon
FYI – Miralax and Senna are both laxatives, so you shouldn’t take both together usually. Most people just start with one, like Miralax because it is so well tolerated, and just titrate up as needed. Of course if you have severe constipation due to opioids/medical issues etc… you should follow your doctor’s advice. Most people should not have to be on multiple laxatives without doctors being involved for a medical cause.
But to the OP – not embarrassing at all. Many/most people will have hemorrhoids at some point in their life. Agree with advice that you should treat constipation if you have have it — Stay well hydrated, try increasing your dietary fiber with vegetables/fruits/beans etc.. if you can or try some Metamucil (drink a lot with Metamucil!!!). If that doesn’t help, try Miralax and let your doctor know to see if something else could be contributing to your constipation. Medications can frequently cause constipation – even iron supplements! Also agree that you want to sit on the toilet as short as possible, and avoid straining.
Curious
Ah, yes. The multiple layers of laxatives were due to chemo. Miralax alone is normally good.
Anon
I ended up getting mine “removed” at the GI doctor’s office. Easy and hardly noticeable aftermath. If you haven’t gotten to that point yet, you should push ’em back inside, to stop the pain and irritation. I would take care of it in the shower. Don’t be afraid to bring them up with your doctor. My mother was so embarrassed by them that she couldn’t tell the ER doctors when she was actually bleeding to death. Thousands of dollars in tests later, she finally admitted it. It could have been such an easy fix.
Anonymous
Thanks all. This is so helpful and comforting!!!!
Anonymous
+1 to everything else said here – hydrate, fiber/stool softeners, Prep H and other things. I have also used both ice and heat — and I also think my kegel exercises help with bloodflow which helps the hemorrhoids.
anon
Can I just vent for a moment about the number of administrative things that fall onto my plate that I have neither the time nor expertise to do? Case in point: I’m not in anything related to finance or accounting AT ALL. My field deals with words, not numbers. But to pay one of my vendors, apparently *I* have to upload my vendor’s W-9 and other information into our company system and create a new vendor account? This seems like a really bad idea, and I’m fearful of screwing it up. In general, our finance team is quite good, so I am flummoxed about why this is my problem to deal with.
Anon
I mean, if this is a vendor you work with, who else is supposed to do this? I doubt you will screw it up – the system probably has built in fields and will flag if something is done incorrectly.
BeenThatGuy
+1 uploading a W9 and filling out some fields does not take a finance or accounting background. You are overthinking this.
Anon
I have supported supply chain / procurement for years and this is neither accounting nor finance’s (AP’s) job. If you are at a small company, it usually falls to whoever is the vendor main POC/user is. In a large org, this is a procurement person’s job. It is fill in the blank. Entry level employees straight of of college do it with little help. I get that you are annoyed, and maybe at your org it is someone else’s job, but it definitely does not require expertise.
Anon
Nesting fail. Meant for OP
Vicky Austin
It’s actually semi important that you do this for a vendor that’s associated with your function in the company. Since your finance team is the one actually in control of the money going to said vendor, it’s less likely to look like they made up a shell vendor to defraud the company if you were involved in the process. I get that it’s intimidating; I’m sure your finance team would be happy to answer your questions, especially if you’ve never done this before.
Source: used to be the annoying finance team member asking people to request and upload their vendor information.
No Problem
Eh, I suppose it depends on the size of the company, but in my company the accounts payable department would do many of these functions. The OP might be responsible for collecting some of the information from the vendor and uploading it to a ticket, but then the AP team would take that information from the ticket and actually create the account. But in a smaller firm without a dedicated AP person or team, I can imagine that more of the responsibility would fall to a project manager or their designee.
OP, can you buddy up with someone in finance to walk you through the whole process and document it? Or ask them to create documentation? That has certainly been one of my pet peeves over the years: the SME just goes “oh it’s easy! you just do A, B, C, D, and E!” and gets upset when asked to document a process so that they don’t have to explain parts A-E to every new person.
pugsnbourbon
Interesting – in my experience the finance team always handled the W-9s, but I had to request the POs/submit invoices, etc.
That said, if Finance wants me to do something I do it. I can’t get anything done without them on my side :)
Vicky Austin
Actually, as long as somebody different is doing each of those two things, you’re fine! In accounting we call it “segregation of duties” to cover everyone’s behind. No manager in my last job kept track of invoices in any way; everything came straight to AP. It was easier to just ask them to do the one-off task of setting up the vendor than to fight upstream against the invoice apathy.
Anon
Is this your first job or something?
Trish
Found the mean girl.
Anonymous
You can fill in a form. This isn’t finance lol
Anon
This sounds very typical. “I’m afraid I won’t do it right” is a poor excuse to get out of doing work.
anon
I didn’t say I was trying to get out of it. But I have literally never been asked to do this before and didn’t even know where to find the effing form (because this was never communicated).
Vicky Austin
That sounds like a different problem than “is this my job or not,” to be fair.
Monday
I’m pretty sure the finance team would say this isn’t their job either–it’s an admin data entry job that nobody wants. In an earlier time it probably would have gone to a secretary, but I take it you don’t have one. I think all professionals except upper management are in situations like this now as a matter of course.
Cat
Unless your org has a procurement department, it’s not unusual that the business ‘owner’ of a vendor is tasked with doing this.
anon
OK, mea culpa, didn’t realize this was standard practice. No, I am not new to my job. I have literally never had to do this before.
Liza
Have you not had to do it because this is your first time onboarding a new vendor? Or did the policy recently change? Different companies may have different approaches, but I agree with other posters, this seems like putting the onus where it should be – the key words in your post are “my vendor[]”. If you’ve elected to use a vendor that isn’t onboarded with the company yet, it’s appropriate that you be responsible for the onboarding. This puts the administrative burden with the person creating the work – if you don’t want to do the onboarding work, use a vendor that is already onboarded.
anon
No, that’s the weird thing. We’ve used this vendor for 10+ years.
Vicky Austin
Did the software change? Did the W-9 expire?
Anon
If it makes you feel any better, it’s not standard practice where I work. If you don’t work for a small company I think it’s weird, too.
Anon
The rude surprise of working life is how much administrative stuff there is at all levels.
My expense reports are the worst! I used to have an assistant do them, I’d email her everything they had an electronic receipt, give her paper receipts, but the report was never right and got bounced back regularly, and I had to pay late fees from my own pocket (and I also worried about the hit to my credit) so I had to take the task back myself. Probably what she wanted!
Anne-on
Yea, unfortunately as support staff is now usually only reserved for very upper level folks the rest of us have to learn how to input and process invoices and the like. My advice is to do your best and then call/email the finance group in a day or so to see if it made it through to them, if not they’re usually willing to help you trouble shoot if you’ve made a good faith effort first.
Anon
In Finance. Here its part of the business users (you) job to submit purchase orders to finance, initiate vendor set up requests ( submit ticket to finance with all vendor details, obtain and request w9s), be the initial approver on their vendors invoices and assist finance as the user of the services to raise questions to the vendor on invoiced services. You know better than finance what services are actually being used or not and what vendors your team works with. In my org we have 1000s of vendors globally and process probably 10000+ invoices each year. The payables team would have to triple its headcount for us to do all the admin ourselves, if the business users or line managers didnt have partial responsibility.
Also its an internal control to segregate these duties.
Retire Anon
Who is the Contract Manager of Record? I get the annoyance of the admin function, but if you are the person responsible for monitoring performance/SLAs, it seems to go with the territory
Anon
Dumb question, but I’ve never closed a credit card before – can anyone explain how the final bill payment works? Do you have to pay the bill in full by the date you close the card? I have a credit card with a statement that closes 12/20. I’d like to close the card before 12/30 to avoid a new annual fee. Normally a charge made on 12/21 would be part of the January 20 statement and would not need to be paid until February – but will I have to pay it by 12/30 because I’m closing the card?
Anon
Pay the final bill. Do not charge anything else. Call the CC company. Tell them you want to close the card. Ask if there is anything outstanding. If not, have them close it while you’re on the line.
Anon
Nope. You can close the card with an outstanding balance. You’ll just still have to pay it. Source – I work in banking.
Anon
Does the balance stop accruing?
Anon
No, you just can’t make purchases anymore
Anon
Don’t use the card after the 20th if you’re trying to close it by the end of the year.
Anonymous
If you try to close it with a balance outstanding, it becomes a whole thing. A friend did this once accidentally and it took months to sort out. Be sure to stop any automatic payments before closing your card!
Anonymous
If a romantic relationship is just getting started, but you can already see how it ends, do you think it is better to preemptively end it, robbing both people of the fun part and still having some hurt feelings/frustrations, or to let it play out and at least enjoy each other for a while?
Anon
Don’t string someone along.
anon
I personally would not find it fun, knowing that it’s going to fail spectacularly. YMMV.
Anonymous
So do you treat every dating scenario as potentially ending in marriage? Have you always?
Anonymous
I don’t continue dating someone I couldn’t imagine myself with long-term. I’ve never seen the point of dating someone I couldn’t imagine myself with long-term (which is why I was single for most of my 20s).
Anon
Not the anon above, so my opinion only: after about college or so, it’s not really reasonable to date when you KNOW it will not work. You are wasting time and creating drama. I am good friends woth several ex boyfriends, largely because no one played games. We liked each other as people and dated to see if it went anywhere. If it didn’t, no hard feelings.
Anonymous
Be honest with them. If they’re looking for something serious and you know it will never work then be very clear about that. And don’t let them continue on thinking you’ll change your mind if they stick around long enough. Example: I once went on a fantastic first date with a sweet funny charming guy. We were both looking for something serious. During the date he mentions that he’s child free. I wanted kids so I knew it was a no go for me. I wasn’t open to a fwb thing at the time but if I had been then I might have considered it. But no I didn’t go out with him again because there was a clear and irreconcilable mismatch.
Anon
The only time I tried to “stay for the fun knowing it would end” it was not fun at all. It was heartbreaking to be in his presence, as I loved him and felt the loss every time we were together. The core issues also surfaced constantly, so even though I knew it would be over eventually, we still fought about the same things over and over again.
If you don’t love this person yet, you may not feel the heartbreak feeling with them. But then you will likely wind up developing feelings and be convinced that it can work out, or get into neurotic spirals trying to figure out how it could work out.
Find someone who you can have the fun with and have at least the possibility of things turning out okay. Every second you spend down a dead end is a second you could spend with someone things would blossom with.
Anon
I think this depends on age and stage of life. I dated men in high school, college and law school I was not going to marry or stay with long term. I broke up with law school boyfriend after graduation. Our careers were taking us to different cities and we both knew that we had issues that would have prevented us from marrying – most notably a major religious incompatibility. Despite being able to see how it would end, I do not regret that relationship and I do not think he does either (in fact his wife recently invited me to his milestone birthday celebration).
After that I stopped dating people when I could see how it would end because it was time to start dating with intent rather than dating for fun.
On the other end, I know plenty of older people who are dating for fun after their first marriages ended in death or divorce. They are not lying to each other about their intentions and goals so I do not see the harm.
So are you being honest with the other person? And are you wasting time you will regret later? Answer those questions and you will have your answer.
Anonymous
OP – This pretty much gets to the crux of the issue. I am substantially older than he is (14 yrs). I have no designs on marriage and I am way past kids. He could have both of those things and I do not want to take up precious time he could be spending chasing those things. But we are enjoying each other and could definitely go deeper, and I think he may be getting swept up more than I am. I have never been anything but honest, but part of me feels like I should make this decision for both of us before feelings grow, part of me thinks we should enjoy it and he is a grown man who can make his own decisions.
Anon
Does he want marriage or kids? If not, it sounds perfect, but you should have a conversation and make the decision together, since you’re both in this relationship together.
anon
I’m currently in a wonderful relationship with a man who I love dearly, but we both know there is an expiration date because he wants kids and I don’t. I know we will both be heartbroken when he decides it’s time for him to look for a partner who wants kids, but I’m thankful for the time and experiences we’re getting to have together in the meantime.
Anon
I realized over the weekend that I have a big problem with comparing and competing with other people in my extended social circle. No with family members or my immediate friend group, but with people who I see every once in a while in my overall social group. I’ve had a lot of insecurity about not making enough money or being in certain prestige fields in order to keep up with them, and I’ve channeled it into “oh, well, they’re high-strung/less happy” or whatever kinds of thoughts like that. This weekend, I realized I actually make as much if not more than most of them, and that I tend to cling to ways to feel superior in order to compensate for insecurity. This also manifests in wanting to prove my relationship is a good relationship, and getting insecure when people post Instagram posts going on and on about their one true love. I’ve realized that many of the relationships I was trying to compare to have their own flaws (one of them broke up last week), and that you can never know what’s actually going on in someone else’s relationship.
I feel like I’m starting to come out of this and recognize how deep the well of insecurity is, and move toward wanting the best for other people and to be low-key about my own accomplishments or joy. But I still have hiccups. How do you go about stopping comparing or needing to find flaws in other people in order to feel okay about yourself? Does anyone else have experience getting over doing this?
Anon
Get off social media. Just remove all Apps from your phone. Stop. Really.
Hang out with your friends. People you like. Real friends.
Consider therapy. Online/virtual is so convenient.
Start doing some volunteering. Something. Anything. It helps you get outside of yourself a little bit. Your perceptions about life and what is truly important are so out of wack. Volunteering helps to reorient you.
You’ve realized some important things about yourself that are really, really common, and really destructive towards your happiness and well-being. That’s a great first step.
Lobbyist
Also maybe start a practice of gratitude. Every day, write down 5 (or 10) different things (different from each other and different from yesterday) that you are grateful for. If you want to get fancy make 2 or 3 of them unpleasant things that still have elements you are grateful for.
Example:
Grateful for my friend B and getting to swim with her.
Grateful for my warm jacket in the rain.
Grateful for health care (even though I am sick I can call doc and get treatment.)
Grateful my child is alive even though she has serious health problem she is alive today.
Grateful for diet coke.
When I first started this (years ago) it took my a while to think of things and now I could whittle off 50 every day and it changes the way I look a things. Yeah its cold out but I have good socks, good shoes, a nice warm jacket, a home, heat, etc.
Anonymous
Relatedly, try doing this with your partner. Make sure that the people who feel best about your relationship are you and your partner.
We tried the gratitude thing with each other, sending a daily email of 5 things we were grateful for. May work for you. Ultimately felt too forced for us.
We now have a simple, lighthearted practice of doing a “high, low, ho” (the ho is something that made us laugh) each day before falling asleep. Sometimes on a long day we skip it, or we only do “highs.” It’s become such a sweet habit, to the point that if one of us says something remotely funny, the other will smile and say “remind me that that’s my ho for the day.”