Weekend Open Thread

174 Comments

1. What are your summer vacation plans? I have two kids, 5 and 8 and we have never travelled internationally as a family. I am getting the travel bug, but cant figure out where to go. Our budget is pretty limited – up to 10k total and we’re in DC. We’d like a mix of nature (beach is nice, but not a must) and city exploring. It feels weird bc we havent been anywhere due to covid and starting our search now feels overwhelming. Also open to US destinations, but also dont know where to start, we usually just visit out out-of-state families.

   1. That age range will like Disney cruises

      1. Or just cruises, period. Pretty much all the big cruise lines cater to kids and will have lots of great onboard entertainment for kids. Caveat that I’m not a Disney person, but IMO Disney cruises are so overpriced. The last time I looked at prices, it was more than double a similar Royal Caribbean cruise, which is a pretty comparable in terms of food and service and also has a great kid’s program. And Disney cruises tend not to have very many stops. In a 7 day Disney cruise you typically only get 2-3 ports whereas other cruise lines give you 4-5 stops. Unless your kids are Disney fanatics, I think it’s a waste of money to pay so much more for the Disney brand. We did a Celebrity cruise when our daughter was 7 and we all had a fantastic time. The only reason we haven’t done another one is the pandemic.

         1. Oh wow you’re right. Royal Caribbean has a kids sale free right now. Way cheaper than Disney.

            1. Yeah, Royal Caribbean and Norwegian have kids sale free promotions fairly often. But even without those promotions, the base price is considerably cheaper than Disney.

            2. *sail

   2. San Diego.

      There’s a city with a great downtown (gaslight area)

      There’s balboa park and San Diego zoo

      There’s Lego land just up the road, Disneyland if you want a day trip

      There’s the beautiful Coronado beach just over a majestic bridge

      You can even take a jaunt into Tijuana if you like

      1. I don’t disagree that San Diego is a great choice for a family vacation, but be warned the Gaslamp District is absolutely ot what it once was.

         1. Not. Not what it once was.

      2. Absolutely don’t go to Tijuana with kids if it’s your first time in Mexico :)

         Legoland is pretty fun for that age range. You could stay in Carlsbad and Encinitas, having a lovely beach time. Come down to San Diego proper for Balboa and SeaWorld (seems to be back big after the whale controversies).

   3. 10k does not strike me as a super limited budget even for a family of four! Re summer plans, we’re going to the Amalfi Coast of Italy in May as a family with our 5 year old, husband and I are doing a couples trip to Iceland in July (we got very cheap plane tickets) and we spend a week in my family’s home in Maine (Acadia area) every August.

      I’ve lived on the east coast, west coast and now midwest as an adult, so I’ve seen a lot of the US and we typically go international for trips except for our annual visit to Maine. We look forward to doing some National Park trips out west when our kid is older and better able to hike, but she’s not there yet. I’m biased because Italy is my favorite country to visit, but I think it’s a great first European destination with kids. The food is super kid-friendly, Italians love kids, and (other than Rome) you’re not going to feel like you’re missing out if you’re not doing All The Things because just being there and enjoying the food, wine and scenery is such a great vacation. We were in Florence and Tuscany with our kid last year and it was wonderful.

      1. Agree totally on $10k not being a super limited budget. There’s nothing wrong with spending that amount (please do!) but sometime the statements on this board about what is not much money remind me of Lucille Bluth thinking a banana costs $10.

         1. I would have agreed except that the basic east to west coast trip we take every summer to visit family cost close to $4k this year. Which is basically our entire vacation and travel budget for the entire year and it’s not even a fun trip. With airline flights like this $10k starts to sound limited!! Two years ago I would have been shocked a family was spending that much on a trip.

            1. Flights are the vast majority of the cost though. Yes airline prices are crazy right now and you can easily spend $5-6k for four Europe flights in economy but that still leaves at least $4k and you don’t need anywhere near that much for the rest of the trip. There are plenty of decent $200 a night hotels in most parts of Europe, so that’s <$1500 for hotel costs and food and activity costs can be minimal. Food costs have gone up much more dramatically in the US than in Europe, in my experience. We actually spent less money on food on a recent trip to Europe (even eating dinner nightly) than we spend in a week at home (groceries + one-two meals out).

            2. I mean “even eating dinner out nightly.” We eat dinner regardless of where we are :)

      2. tell me more about your Amalfi trip plans, that sounds great! What kid activities are there? I’m dreaming up plans for when our youngest is done napping.

         1. Replying late but hopefully you see this! We don’t have firm plans. As I said in my original post, Italy for me is really about the food, wine and scenery, so I don’t feel the need to schedule a ton. We’re flying into Naples and staying in Positano at the Punta Regina, which I’m excited about. It looks so lovely and the staff we’ve corresponded with have been so incredibly kind. I’m guessing we’ll spend our time playing at the beach (it will be too cold for ocean swimming in May but we can play on the sand), swimming in the hotel pool and taking the ferries to explore other Amalfi coast towns. I’ve been before but only to Sorrento and Capri and my husband and kiddo have never been. I would love to charter a boat for a day of sailing or take the ferry to Ischia, but my husband gets seasick easily and my kid is scared of big waves and I don’t want to do it alone.

   4. Greece.

   5. Scotland with two kids (6 and 2) and grandparents. We are staying in Airbnbs and splitting the lodging costs with grandparents. It’s our first time flying internationally with the kids, and depending how it goes, it may be our last until they are older.

      What about Costa Rica? You could combine city exploring, rainforest, and beach in one trip, and that should work for your price point.

   6. We’re going to Istria in Croatia and Venice in April (first overseas trip in 15+ years due to $ and Covid) with our 10 year old so this summer is going to be closer to home. We have a family reunion on the Outer Banks to attend–we are very lucky in that my parents have a house their so this is very cheap for us–and are planning to do some canoe camping on the Current River in Missouri. Other summer trips we have done that we loved are visiting Portland and an AMC lodge in Maine, and visiting Seattle and Vancouver last summer. I would like to go back and spend more time on Vancouver island and British Columbia in general. Nova Scotia and Newfoundland are also on my slightly closer to home wish list.

   7. I’m not travelling this summer (other than my annual weekend at summer camp for adults), because I’m planning to move. I am however planning a trip to the US for my 30th next year – thinking of NYC, the Hudson Valley, and Boston, over two weeks.

      1. The Hudson Valley is really nothing special. I can’t imagine putting that on an itinerary if I was visiting from the UK. I would do NYC, Boston and coastal Maine. Acadia is about a 5 hour drive from Boston (if you avoid the weekend rush times) but there are nice parts of southern Maine that are scenic too and a lot closer.

         1. It’s the ‘cute little towns along the railway line’ thing. Coffee shops and writing etc. I don’t drive so am relatively limited. Happy to take guidance on whether going from NYC to Boston via New Haven and CT might be more interesting?

            1. Would either do train from Boston to Portland, ME; ferry from Boston to Provincetown on the cape; or flight from Boston to Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket. The last would be my preference, and probably better to fill a few days!

            2. Yup, there are trains from Boston to Portsmouth NH and Portland. I would do that over NY or CT personally.

            3. Gosh, I’ll be the voice of dissent and say I love the train up the Hudson River Valley.

            4. The Acela from NYC to Boston is gorgeous. Sit on the right hand side of the train on the northern journey for the best views. Let us locals know when you’re over if you’d like to meet for a drink, I’d love to host you!

         2. I mean, West Point, Mohonk House area, Sleepy Hollow and Beacon are all pretty awesome places to see. I wouldn’t call them nothing special.

            1. DIA Beacon is really cool too. And if you do the train in the Hudson Valley during peak leaf-peeping, it’s really special. I say this as a Californian who is both fascinated by big rivers (we have very few out West) and color-changing leaves/seasons. I was sworn in in Albany and took the train down to NYC and it was magical, about six years ago.

      2. If you don’t drive, I would do NYC, train up to the Hudson Valley, and then train to Boston. Connecticut really is not all that great for visiting (it is a great place to live and raise a family). If you want to see any suburbs of Boston (Plymouth, Salem, the Cape, etc), be specific and post here. Some of them are much more public transit/walking friendly than others. The Commuter Rail is aptly named – it runs into the city in the morning at regular intervals and out in the evening at regular intervals, with not a whole lot in between.

   8. I’m going to Albania* for 10 days with my husband and kiddo – we picked it because I have a bestie there with kids I have yet to meet (thanks, pandemic) and like, honestly we would’ve gone anywhere to meet them, but doing some research, I’m absolutely delighted by the beaches, towns, castles (!!!), etc. that we’ll be seeing. Not gonna lie, I’m also delighted at the affordability of the hotels. Kiddo has a lot of Fancy-Nancy-esque notions and I’m sure would rather go to Paris or whatever, but I am so glad to take her somewhere we might not otherwise go, and where we have a bestie to show us around.

      *I realize not a lot of ppl go there for summer vacay – pls don’t dox me!

      1. That’s wonderful! Albania is one of the few European countries I haven’t been to, so I would love to go there. And yes it’s such a different experience when you have a local guide! Growing up I lived in a college town so I made friends with a lot of kids from different countries, who then moved back to their home countries. I got to go to Poland and South Korea to see good friends and both trips were very special and memorable because of the local connection.

      2. I visited Albania when I was in Corfu, Greece a few years ago. The Roman ruins at Butrint were really neat–amazing that they were all jungly and grown over–it felt more like visiting a lost civilization in South America to me! The people in Albania were kind and so, so friendly. I very much wished I had longer than a day there!

   9. I’m in the UK and my son will turn 6 this summer. We’ve got 6 weeks to cover and are doing 2 weeks in Lisbon (day camp for kiddo while I work), and a week at my parents’ outside the country, a week at home, and week at the beach with cousins, and then my parents’ are here until school starts.

      We are doing a Home Exchange so it makes the housing in Lisbon more reasonable.

   10. I think Puerto Rico would be great! San Juan is a great city and there are oodles of outdoor activities – bio bay, rainforest, ziplining, catamaran snorkeling trip. Pretty accessible from East coast.

   11. What about Denmark? Extremely kid-friendly culture (legos, Tivoli, most incredible playgrounds in the world) and if you stick to public transit and budget accommodations your budget would be fine. No idea if this is your travel style at all though!!

       1. Denmark is fun but the Legoland is quite a schlep from Copenhagen, FYI.

2. What are your top tips for looking and feeling cool? It’s hit me – I’m feeling forty and frumpy. Getting my hair cut soon, so that will help.

   1. Cool haircut, red lipstick, jumpsuits, combat boots.

   2. I don’t aspire to look or feel cool, so I can’t help with that. What helps me not feel frumpy is
      *clothes that fit me well, and don’t look or feel worn out or saggy.
      *thinking in terms of what makes an outfit rather than just grabbing jeans and a t-shirt
      * On-trend shoes that are in good condition.
      * current silhouettes (for me, that’s wider leg/looser leg pants, no more long duster-length cardigans, etc.)
      * Being super careful when I shop so the individual items I buy are stylish enough that if I do happen to just grab jeans and a t-shirt, the colors are good and the cuts are current.

   3. Being self-confident and loving what I’m wearing regardless of what other people think.

   4. New trendy sneakers and/or an on-trend sweatshirt that can take a blah athleisure look up a notch.

   5. To be less frumpy…

      Hair cut is key.
      Good eye/brow, and lip basic make-up. Nude for you but better is fine.
      Colors that flatter you.
      Great glasses.
      Clothes that fit your body well, that are classic are fine.

      To be cool…..
      Don’t try to be trendy.
      Look for interesting 3rd pieces. It could even just be a scarf.
      Great shoes.
      Great outwear.

      1. These days a scarf as third piece is a quick route to frump.

         1. It depends.

            1. I mean…I am not in a very fashion-forward area and literally no one is wearing them as “third pieces” any more. Artsy people are wearing these big wraps that are way bigger than a neck scarf, or I’ll sometimes see a poncho. But accessory scarves the way we wore them a few years ago – nope. I think that moment has passed, for the moment. I put all of mine, other than the ones I wear as winter outerwear, in storage.

         2. I thought the same thing. Scarves are pretty dated.

   6. I think cool is confident. Wearing what you want, how you want. Making your 13 year old self proud.

   7. Closer to 50 than 40 here…can’t help with ‘cool’ (it’s not something I’ve really thought about since I was 16…) but for ‘not frumpy’, I buy clothes according to my personal style and make sure they fit properly. I don’t care about trends, and for fit I often involve a tailor. I aso make sure that everything I buy is well made and can be mixed with something else I already have.

3. I’m going to a fundraiser gala and I’m going to buy a long evening gown for the first time in two decades. I’m 45, 5’8″ and a small-chested pear shape. I gained some weight during covid so I’m not particularly excited about my new body shape. Does anyone have any tips and suggestions on what type of dress will feel good on, but won’t make me look too matronly? All the lace, beading, and florals look great online, but would something more plain look more chic and not so mother-of-the-bride? Any suggestions, tips, brands, etc. welcome. Budget is ~$300. Thanks!

   1. If you feel comfortable, post your city so others can suggest where to go for dresses. Otherwise, the real tip is to try things on and go with your happy-enabler of a friend. Post-pandemic galas in my city have been a delightful collection of people having fun with clothes and saying yes to their inner six year old so I would encourage you to just try on lots of dresses and, if a princess tulle skirt makes you happy, go for it.

      1. I’m located in Seattle. I tried shopping for high school formal dresses with my daughters and pickings were slim everywhere and they ended up buying dresses online. This is totally the land of fleece and jeans and allbird sneakers (no diss, I live in fleece and jeans and allbirds).

         1. I’d try the Nordstrom in Bellevue. I think they stock more occasion dresses than the downtown store, and their service is reliably excellent. At Bellevue Square, you can also hit up Macy’s, Nordstrom Rack, and WHBM.

            I also found this from Anthropologie:
            https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/jenny-yoo-ellis-flutter-sleeve-open-back-velvet-gown?category=dresses-formal&color=032&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
            Lots of gorgeous floor-length dresses on their site, too. Not sure if they’d carry them in store though.

         2. Haha agree, no dresses here.

   2. How do you feel about exposing your arms and shoulders? This is gorgeous, especially in the green (if that’s a color that flatters you): https://www.nordstrom.com/s/dessy-collection-one-shoulder-satin-gown/6812021?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=309

      1. This is a beautiful dress. I have never worn a one shoulder dress before so I should try it on and see how that feels.

      2. NYNY, when I saw that I gasped and whispered “I’d look so good in that” lol. It’s gorgeous though, and I do love that color on me. (My back and upper arms are all tattooed and my only formal events are for work, except about once a year, so it’s not super practical womp womp.)

4. Tell me about your experiences with microneedling! I had moderate (non-cystic) acne as a teen and while I don’t have deep scarring, I do have a couple areas in particular where I would really love to improve the texture of my skin (below my eyes and on either side of my nose, extending to mid-cheek). Is microneedling a good first step there? Any downsides to be aware of?

   1. I did micro needling three times, and am happy with the results. It definitely improved my skin texture, and I loved the glow I got once the initial redness wore down.

      However – it is painful. The forehead was awful, and my neck was torture. Like, an 8 out of 10. I almost gave up partway through my third session because it was so painful. Also, the micro needling pen is more like the low, rumbly dentist drill than the high, fast dental drill.
      Since then I’ve done laser on my face and it is barely as painful.

   2. This page doesn’t get updated anymore, but she had a good post on her experience with micro needling: http://www.franishtheblog.com/2017/07/microneedling-before-and-after.html

5. Because this community knows everything about everywhere – does anyone have a leather bag shop to recommend in downtown Rome (Italy)? I am at the end of a week’s holiday here and coincidentally in need of a specific type of learher bag and thought it would be fun to look at local stores, but all the ones I see downtown seem to have the same models of bag over and over again, and I have a suspicion at least some are made in China. I don’t know where to look for the real thing.

   1. Francesco Rogani, Via Condotti 47, Rome

      I’ve gotten two handbags and a briefcase from there and they really hold up well.

      1. Francesco Rogani, Via Condotti 47, Rome

         I’ve gotten two handbags and a briefcase from there and they really hold up well.

   2. Del Giudicce Roma hands down.

   3. Il Bisonte? I think it’s from Florence but fairly certain there is one in Rome. I have a great toiletries case from there.

      1. Thank you all!

6. Please share your venting below, please comment with ideas or support but not with judgment. It’s not the oppression olympics and everyone’s feelings are valid.
   —————

   Preface: Already have a therapist for childhood trauma healing so someone does have eyes on me.

   I am so very burnt out. I work many part-time jobs while spending my free time applying for full-time jobs. I can’t take time off to randomly relax or something at any of them or the bosses will give my shifts away permanently. I can’t afford not to work. I can’t afford massage or fancy hair cut or nightly delivery of food. I know my eating habits are a mess as it’s all convenience so it ends up being drive-thru or something heated from the freezer. I gained 40 lbs in 6 months but my bloodwork is all normal so doctors aren’t worried. However, I don’t fit in most of my clothes and don’t want to shop while not being able to afford new clothes anyway. The doc tried to prescribe ozempic as I have fam history of diabetes and it’s a lot of weight on my short body but insurance won’t approve it and I can’t afford the very very high costs.

   All I want to do is nothing. However work situation won’t allow it and I don’t even think a week or a month of nothing would be really helpful when I’d then return to this.

   Single, no kids, all energy is burned by working and I am immunocompromised, so no real physical workouts and can’t afford a trainer or go to a gym due to health risks.

   I’ve been trying to be really positive here but I just feel so exhausted lately. I just wish there was a magic pill for an ozempic approval or free samples or shipped in from not the US so I could have it and/or a fulltime job so I could get a better balance and health insurance and real sleep and/or someone to take care of me (whether it’s an amazing boyfriend or a random neighbor who loves me but also respects the boundaries of an introvert, I don’t care).

   1. Honey, are you on psych meds? I know you have a therapist but sometimes you need some help to really make progress in therapy. I don’t read your post and think “all your problems will be solved by losing weight.” I think that’s a symptom and a consultation with someone who can talk to you about potential anxiety and depression might be a lot more helpful for you.

      1. I read this post and heard someone who has waaaaay too much on her plate.

         Honestly this irritates me. “When I am depressed, I feel overwhelmed by life! You must be depressed if your life is overwhelming you!” with zero consideration as to whether or not her life is, objectively, overwhelming.

         Maybe she needs more than what she has now, but “Honey are you on psych meds?” is really not appropriate.

         1. I hear you. But there are a lot of things going on here. Trying to dissect takes a lot and the OP needs a lot of help at getting to the root of this and start improving life.

            Clearly gaining 40lbs in 6 months is very concerning (and the doctor should be concerned). But the idea of taking a drug for weight loss is NOT the right answer because she freely admits eating/sleeping/living horribly because of ?other life factors ?too much work ?depression. So to deal with the weight gain you don’t take a pill to allow you to keep eating terribly/not sleeping/stressing/being depressed. You have to treat the underlying problems.

            OP – why are you working so much? Are you drowning in debt? Do you think your mood issues are being adequately treated, as much of your post is screaming I’m not just burned out…. I’m depressed.

            1. I imagine that she’s working several part time jobs because she’s looking for full time work, and part time often pays much worse than nice comfy salaried office jobs.

               OP, what field are you in? We might have some ideas for part time work that pays better than what you’re doing now, which would give you some breathing room (in time and money).

            2. Most people who are working multiple jobs are doing so to survive. The minimum wage is under $10 in 27 states (not saying OP is working minimum wage jobs, but for perspective).

            3. Yes, most people on this website are not working for $10/hr.
               It’s funny how we all come up with our own explanations/ideas, but the OP has to tell us if she wants useful advice.

         2. Sorry, I was just trying to be supportive. Of course you can be overwhelmed without being depressed which is why I suggested consulting with someone not buying them on the black market. But when I hear rapid weight gain, overwhelmed, childhood trauma, doctor just suggesting weight loss meds rather than addressing underlying issues, that feeling like a magic fix, anxiety and depression sound like very strong possibilities to me.

            1. Psych meds are not a magic fix either though. Only a subset of people who try them experience substantial benefit, and another subset can actually feel worse. I think the percent of people who really dramatically benefit from them are so appreciative that it’s sometimes missed that they can be a bit of a gamble as well!

               I’m not sure what is up with the doctor and whether they did a glucose tolerance test or just a A1C, but bloodwork sounded like “just a A1C” to me. I would want more thorough testing if I had a family history of diabetes just to be sure my magic pill is not Ozempic but Metformin!

            2. Where did I say it was a magic fix? I really think you’re projecting here.

         3. Yeah – I saw a post from a therapist that went something like, “not all, but good chunk of my client’s problems would be solved by money.”
            Obviously therapy and psych meds are a godsend, but OP is stuck in a tough, tough grind. Working multiple jobs is exhausting, and all the Wellbutrin in the world won’t change that. I wish there was a magic pill for a livable wage or universal income.

            1. +1

      2. Dear psych meds commenter. I hope you are a troll and not a real person who thinks that your comment is any way helpful. When you’re burned out from working three jobs and someone comes at you like your stress is in your head, that seems like the single cruelest thing that I’ve witnessed here.

         OP, it’s no wonder it sounds like you’re burned out. Anyone would be juggling all you are doing. Try to prioritize sleep whenever you can. Work in a few minutes of walking into your day however you can to give yourself some sanity. And keep pushing out the resumes. All it takes is one to land where it needs to and you’ll be off this awful treadmill.

   2. Feel free to disregard if this is not your life experience (and pretend I never suggested it if religion is a source of your trauma), but have you considered going to church? Even the in and out 8am service? For me, there is something extremely soothing about just going through the same rituals I have as a child. Sometimes, the sermon ends up being what you need to hear, sometimes not, but there is always something communal about the unspoken group of people gathered together. And, if you go to an 8am episcopal service, I can almost guarantee it has been socially distanced since before that was a thing.

      1. In my experience church does far more harm than good. Community, human connection and support is important, but church is a very fraught place to get it.

      2. Yes, I find going to church is an added chore until you settle into a good support system and community – agree it might help long term but May not be immediately helpful to OP

      3. I get what you’re saying, but IME just going to church and not interacting with anyone is only useful after you’ve built connections to your own faith community. If you have a “church home” where you have relationships and participate on a deeper level it can be nice to go to a different service once in a while where you don’t know anyone and just think about the message. If you don’t have those connections and are just dropping in week after week it’s very isolating, even for an introvert.

   3. What is your housing situation like? Are you paying rent for a full apartment? Can you leave and rent a room instead?

      I knew a young lady in your exact position – 3 PT jobs. The exhaustion is just the natural result of juggling three workplaces and a crazy schedule, with so much of the money going to rent. Her parents home was not an option for Reasons.

      I moved her into my house for 6 months and helped her end her lease early. Not paying rent meant she could drop one of the jobs and sleep. Then she was able to get a single, 9-5 job with benefits and have a life again. She moved back out and she’s doing great!

      1. On the food, rice and beans was my go to when I was broke. I bought a bag of plain rice and cans of beans from Aldi. I cooked all the rice and all the beans in pots, then ate for several days. Very cheap, very filling.

         Finally, don’t be too proud to get help. Food banks. Government assistance. Free meals from churches.

         1. Steam-in-the-bag veggies are another good option. About a dollar/bag at Walmart or Aldi, super easy to prepare. Bulk it out with some rice and, now that egg prices are finally coming down, a fried egg on top.
            Also – NF, what an awesome thing to do for that person!

   4. Hugs from this internet stranger. I lived your life for a loooong time with multiple jobs and cobbling things together trying to get ahead. You’re not doing anything wrong. It is freaking HARD, and it’s harder still when you’re responsible for everything and no one has your back. You are doing everything right, and something will come of all those job applications. I remember setting alarms after an overnight shift hoping this interview would be the one, and going in there trying to keep my thoughts straight, while trying to not look/act like this was a job interview in the middle of my “night”. It is so, so, so hard.
      Keep it up. You are doing everything right and as demoralizing as *everything* is, you will get through it and better things will come your way.
      In the meantime, spring is right around the corner, and a walk always helped me clear my head when I was overwhelmed. I used to go at night when things were quiet, and nobody could see that my workout clothes ill-fitting and mismatched.

   5. Just wanted to send you hugs. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. I’m in a similar spiral of misery (I’m working 7 days a week for a company whose health insurance ended up being worthless because I’m remote in another state). I keep reminding myself that a new job could be like 5 or 7 weeks away at any point. And the same goes for you. One of those resumes is going to trigger the series of interviews that then lands you somewhere better (with good insurance!). That will help get you at least the work-life balance of one employer and more security around your health.

      It’s easy sometimes to focus on fear instead of strength. Look at you–you are amazingly strong. Your work ethic and determination and grit are getting you through this horrible period of life. You are going to come out on the other side knowing you took care of things when you had to. You should be proud of yourself. You are holding shit together in ways few people can.

      I’m only giving this idea since you asked, because you have things covered more than you already know. Even if it’s a pain because of the weather, get outside and make yourself do at least 15 min of intentional movement each day. The walks and connecting with nature will do a world of good for your mind, soul, and body, regardless of what the scale says. Just carving that 15 min to recognize you have value to yourself is important.

   6. I feel for you. That sounds hard.
      I don’t think Ozempic is your magic pill though. It works while you’re taking it, but you can’t stop, or the hunger and weight gain comes back, with potentially more. And the side effects while taking it are not a joke.
      If you can fit in a walk outside in the sunshine in your busy life, that will help your mood a little.

      1. I agree with walks, even if they are on breaks at work. Maybe take up a fun cheap hobby (for a while in my early career days one of my “hobbies” was couponing. It was pretty fun!). You didn’t say you were, but If you are working minimum wage work, consider dropping one of those gigs and picking up babysitting or kid-shuttling. We pay our sitter $25/hr to drive my kid to and from hockey practice. It’s $60/day for her and she sits and the rink and does homework. She doesn’t use our car so we pay her $5/hr more, but we did give her that option. We also pay our evening sitter $20/hr. She hangs with our kids 6-8:30ish, then does idk what until we get home at 11ish. $100 for not all that much on a Saturday she didn’t have plans anyway (her words).

         Also, good sleep, no alcohol.

   7. “I am immunocompromised, so no real physical workouts and can’t afford a trainer or go to a gym due to health risks.”

      You can do “real workouts” and you don’t need a trainer or a gym. One of my best friends is immunocompromised and she works out at home, probably with more intensity than I do in the gym. It actually helps her general inflammation, as well as helping her mood and her general mindset.

      There are tons and tons of free workout videos on YouTube (check out FitnessBlender, although they have a subscription service now also). There are free workout videos on some streaming services (Amazon Prime video has some, as does Netflix I think), and your local library may also have free DVDs you can borrow. I would start with YouTube, though, because you can find very short, bodyweight-only (no equipment required) workout videos. Your goal, in the beginning, should be to do 5 minutes a day. That’s it – 5 minutes. Then, when 5 minutes gets too easy, go to 10, then 15, working up to 30 minutes. Then you can choose to do 30 minutes 3x a week, or whatever works for your schedule.

      I know some people are going to say “she’s working three jobs! She doesn’t have time or energy to work out!” The people I know who are very, very busy – whether they are people working multiple jobs, people who work 10-12 hours a day, 6 days a week in an executive job, pastors who are always on-call, or SAHMs of multiple kids, largely manage their mindset, stress, depression, anxiety, and etc. through exercise. It can work wonders. 30 minutes of daily outdoor exercise has been proven to be as effective for many people as a low-dose antidepressant. Too many people, IMO, are looking to drugs to make them feel better vs. trying some physical activity and outdoor time. We were not meant to sit inside in front of screens all day, and that’s why so many of us suffer when we don’t move our bodies, and get outside.

      OP, exercise may not help you lose weight but it will help improve your mental state – this is scientifically proven – and that will then help with the eating. Gaining 40 lbs in 6 months absolutely is a problem even if your bloodwork currently is okay – if you’re short, the extra weight is affecting your glucose metabolism. So again, start with small changes. Where can you eat a salad instead of a sandwich? Where can you cut sugar? Are you using unhealthy food as a reward for when you feel stressed, or have a bad day? What could you replace the food with, so you still feel rewarded? It doesn’t have to be huge changes, all at once, and you do NOT need Ozempic to fix your life. As someone else said, it’s meant for Type II diabetics and people have to be on it for life for it to really work. Small changes can make a big difference. You just have to work on one or two things at a time. But you are in the driver’s seat, here, and saying that everything would be different if only you could get on Ozempic is a cop-out, frankly. Start simple: sit down and make a list, on a piece of paper, of all the habits you have that you know are not healthy for you. And then think about how you can replace those bad habits with better habits. And then pick one or two to work on for a week, or two weeks. Just that act can help you reframe how you feel about your life. Good luck.

   8. Your best bet for feeling better is to get as much sleep as possible given your schedule and get out for short walks on breaks. Just 15 minutes outside, or in a safe area inside, a couple of times a day, will really help.

   9. In 2011 I was living in NYC on a $1500/month salary. My rent was $720/month in a dorm room run my nuns (shared bathroom, shared basement kitchen). I’ve also been in a 24-7 job for some time now with multiple experiences of burnou t (including the crazy weight gain). It sounds to me like your life circumstances are causing you to burn out, but there are things you can control. Some things that have helped:

      – Sleep is your biggest friend in burnout. Is it possible to commit to a regular schedule? Mine was 1 am – 7 am when I was working 16 hour days. This was an improvement from frequent 2-4 am nights, and late unrefreshing mornings. For me it made a lot of difference going to bed between midnight – 1 am consistently rather than after 2 am.

      – As the other poster suggested, is finding a cheaper accommodation / shared housing an option? Potentially closer to your main work if that helps you save on time? Or are you in a town with a college where you can get a temporary roommate to help with expenses (exchange students etc tend to look for short term solutions)?

      My 3 Chinese friends shared a 2 bed 1 bath flat by curtaining off the small living area. Other friends had shared rooms – granted this was NYC and Atlanta but college students are often looking to save.

      – When my disposbale post-rent income was <$800, it helped to bulk buy prewashed babyleaf / aragula salad, sweet potatoes, cheap mozzarella / feta / cheddar, cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, eggs, chick peas, PB, kidney beans, low sodium turkey ham, and extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar – that was my main meal twice a day.

      I would prep 10 ziploc containers of salads on Sunday evening (takes 15 mins to boil 12 eggs and peel them, and microwave sweet potatoes before eating, but everything else is at most washing tomatoes / chopping and dividing them up into containers ) and throw them in the minifridge I was living off of.

      I rotated through those salads on weekdays while working (boiled egg + ham + aragula + olive oil salad for breakfast, mozza + tomato + aragula + olive oil + balsamic for lunch, sweet potatoes + mozza / cheddar + salad for dinner) I lost nearly 15 pounds in a month or two this way (even a breakfast bagel that I occasionally got on the way to work was $3.75, and I found it too expensive and big – would end up splitting it between breakfast and lunch).

      – can you squeeze in a 10 minute vinyasa yoga practice into your morning? For me this helped so much with getting my blood flowing and with energy levels.

      I like this one for my rushed mornings:

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8AakYeM23sI

      – can you put on a meditation podcast on your way to work? I like this series (I recommend the book by Mark Williams too if you can get the time, but otherwise totally find to put the meditation on 2x a day for a few weeks to see if it helps. It did wonders for when I am overwhelmed although circumstances didn’t change much)

      http://franticworld.com/free-meditations-from-mindfulness/

      1. Also, no alcohol, no sugar.

      2. Echoing don’t be too proud to get help where you can. I take ALL the free food and will stock up on an extra box of salad or sandwich from the canteen bc it’s free — Free food is free food. Food pantries. Go fund me’s. Goodwill secondhand clothes.

   10. Would you consider going to visit the minister at a Unitarian Universalist church near you? The UUs are dogma free, very accepting, and most ministers have some training in counseling. In addition, they are likely to know about support services such as food banks, health facilities, etc. The congregation might have a social worker or a head hunter who could work with you on job hunting. You sound like you are working so hard, but staying in place and not making the progress you want. And, a minister can be a caretaker of sorts, helping you along. Most YMCAs offer free memberships to people who cannot afford to join, and joining just to use the sauna or steam room or pool would be nice for you, especially during the day when fewer people are there and you can wear a mask. Reach out to the non-profit Dress for Success that helps women who are job hunting with clothing and outfits. When and if you have a job, look into mail order pharmacies in Canada. YOu can get a month supply for Ozempic for about $400, which is not inexpensive, but if your insurance won’t cover it it might be an option. All of these things require energy, which you don’t have, so start with the minister as being heard and feeling understood can help you right now. xoxoox

7. (Posting here because the moms s1te is quiet on the weekend…)

   We’ve been working with a psychiatrist to help our 6yo. She believes our son has ADD and would benefit from medication (we are fine with this). She just texted me that she called in a prescription for methylphenidate (same as ritalin / concerta), and that we can give it to our son as soon as tomorrow morning — but she didn’t give us guidance on how to administer. On the “mechanical” stuff, we can ask the pharmacist. But — how should we introduce this to our son, who isn’t aware of the diagnosis, much less that we’ve been discussing medication? If you have any tips / warnings, please share. Thanks so much!

   1. Methylphenidate can depress appetite, so your child may eat very little while the medication is active and then eat a day’s worth of calories when it wears off. It’s a stimulant, so it makes some kids restless or even anxious if the dose is too high (I assume your doctor is starting with a low dose). If he’s getting a long-acting version, they usually last on the shorter end of the range (e.g. if it’s supposed to last 6-12 hours it’s more likely to last closer to 6). In terms of explaning it to your child, I’d suggest the truth: “this medication is to help you focus better.”

   2. Start by making him aware of the diagnosis, and then you can explain the reasons for the medication and how it will benefit him.

   3. a) start a log for your meds – ADDitude has one you can download for free. We’ve been on about 15 different combinations in 3 years; it can take some trying.

      b) I don’t think we ever really had a conversation with him about it. We already have been giving him multivitamins and other stuff regularly so this was just another pill for the mix; sometimes we put the pill into an Oreo cookie or a spoonful of frosting or PB so it’s easier for him to consume since he’s not always great about swallowing pills. We MAY have said something like, “you know how you have too much energy sometimes, we’re going to try this medicine to see if it helps.” Ritalin really ended up hurting both my kids’ stomachs so watch his appetite and make sure he isn’t losing weight.

   4. I would casually explain the meds to your son: This pill is called ritalin. It helps people who have speedy brains and so much energy that they can’t sit still/think/pay attention/whatever fits your child. We are going to giver it a try.
      I can’t believe your doc did not give instructions. Do you know if it is time released or standard? The pharmacist can tell you. If it is long acting/time released, do not give it after 12 noon or your son may not be able to sleep. Read about the half life of whatever preparation you have and be conservative about sleep.
      Start low, a small dose, and see what effect it has. Give the pill in the am after a big breakfast as it will suppress the appetite. You may want to switch to higher fat foods to add calories. With short acting, many kids take one pill at 8 am and one at noon. Or, one time release long acting version in the am. There are 4, 8, and 12 hour preparations–I am assuming your doc prescribed 4 hour for the first go round. And, you can always wait until you have a chance to discuss this with your doc. Take it slow, and watch how it works or doesn’t for your child.

8. I am spending work hours on the phone with healthcare providers trying to address incorrect billing issue. I’ve also spent a lot of time navigating phone trees to schedule appointments, etc. Is there a service out there (consultant?) that can handle these things on someone’s behalf? Feels like such a waste of time, and it is so frustrating.

   1. Many large insurance brokers have a call center that will work to solve claims or billing issues with insurance on your behalf. It would probably say it on your open enrollment paperwork, or reach out to HR.

      1. I read about this service where you can hire a “Karen” to speak to the manager for you. Maybe worth a shot?

         https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2022/12/26/karens-for-hire-customer-service-complaints/

   2. It’s hard with healthcare stuff because of privacy concerns. I manage this stuff for my husband (no judgy comments, please – this is how we divide labor and he cooks me dinner every night) and it’s a pain in the neck to get all the right forms on file so they can talk to me. I don’t think it’s even possible to authorize them to deal with someone who isn’t your spouse or parent (or adult child in the case of eldercare). I think the answer to this question for non-healthcare stuff is a virtual assistant, but I doubt your VA would be able to address healthcare billing issues.

   3. Isn’t crazy how much more time this takes these days? Cost cutting for every company means staffing customer service with the minimum number of employees. I am on hold right now calling a medical supply company for my father. I have been on hold 20min, so I also working on a spreadsheet, and …. being bad and posting here.

      I once looked into hiring someone. I found the cost too high for the potential financial gain/time for me. Unless it is a really big issue like thousands of dollars where you have already tried yourself and failed, it rarely is worth it. But your time may be so valuable that it is still worth looking for these folks. I just couldn’t stand paying someone for an hour of time for just waiting on hold. So I multitask.

      So how do I keep from shooting myself in the head? Try to call first thing in the morning when offices open, or late afternoon. Many insurance companies have call centers open until 7 or 8pm and sometimes on weekends, so those late hours are easier to get through. Hospitals/doctor’s offices are usually easier to reach in early morning. I have found that I have the best luck by asking as soon as you reach someone to speak to a supervisor early on. Even lie and say you have called about this problem already and need more help, and need a supervisor this time. The first level customer service so often doesn’t know/lies/doesn’t follow through or just gives inexperienced advice. If you ask to speak to a supervisor, you are often on hold a long time, but I multitask while on hold. Sometimes they hang up on you. It is the risk you have to take. Always ask for the name of the person you speak with re: billing issues, ask for their direct contact information and right it down. Ask them to call you with the answer to your problem. They are more likely to follow through when you ask for their name. If they refuse, ask for their supervisor.

      If you have to file an appeal, they almost always reject the first time, but always try again.

      It really, really sucks. I have done it for years for my parents. And even though my own healthcare is miniscule compared with theirs, I often give up on fighting for myself because I am just too tired. This is another way how insurance/hospitals etc.. make so much money. No one has time to fight all the mistakes, file all the appeals. I once went all the way to appealing in front of one of those Medicare administrative judges, which took nearly a year. I lost because of a technicality, and even the judge encouraged me to do the NEXT level appeal (after having done 5 or 6 already, each at a higher level), and that I would likely win and change Medicare policy. But that just infuriated me and I almost yelled at the judge for putting that burden on me a family that was already suffering.

   4. Does your insurance company have a patient advocate? That might be one avenue. Your company’s EAP might offer services if it’s platinum-level.

   5. Hiring someone to help may not be worthwhile. I handle my dad’s finances and some dr offices won’t even tell me what his balance due is for “privacy” reasons.

   6. More than three hours spent trying to resolve a problem with GoDaddy this week.

9. Ugh. I’m experiencing the Red State Doldrums hard today. My legislature is in session and along with all the expected anti-trans, anti-gay, and anti-women garbage, they have now passed a bill abolishing the law against child labor.

   I donate, vote, and campaign. This is just a vent about how rough it is sometimes. I’m not sure why it just hit me extra hard today.

   1. Wut?
      On what grounds is a right wing faction supporting child labor? Or is this in the name of deregulation?

      1. Are you serious? “Kids should be working.” “They’ll learn life skills.” “In my house, if you don’t work, you don’t eat!” “It builds character.”

         1. I agree with some of this . . . after the age of 14. But the laws protect younger children and no, I have not actually heard these comments. I am in a bit of a bubble, but not one that is never pierced, as I am in a blue city in a red state.

            1. I’ve heard these comments and more about kids from the age of six or so. Basically, old enough to go to school, old enough to start contributing.

            2. I don’t even particularly think it’s great for 14-18yos during the school year, depending on the number of hours. It’s one thing to work Saturdays and an afternoon after school, but when you get past 15-20 hours, it’s a runway to dropping out of school.

            3. Yeah, I don’t think it’s good for teenagers either. I come from a very education-focused family, but my parents made it clear that during the academic year, school was my job. It wasn’t that I wasn’t expected to contribute, but my contribution was working hard at school and getting good grades. I mean, of course, I had normal chores and stuff like that when I lived at home and had to take care of my own “household” (used loosely because I lived in a dorm) in college. But my parents would have been very upset if I’d gotten a job during the academic year, and that’s not want I want for my own kids either. I think summer jobs are fine for teaching kids about work and managing money.

         2. I should say the goals of industry (kids working expendably in factories, mines, and apparently meat packing plants) are probably not what many of the voters who support the legislation ideologically are imagining!

      2. A lot of businesses that have low-wage workers would like to hire more <18 yos because they are (rightly or wrongly) perceived as more compliant, more likely to take lower wages, and tend to file fewer injury claims. I grew up in a place where you could get a job at 14 or so, usually fast food, and the places that hired kids that age took advantage of them. Most of my friends who had jobs like that worked a lot of hours, usually had to close multiple weeknights, and it was really hard to do all of that while going to high school.

   2. Solidarity from Florida. The callous meanness against people who aren’t bothering anyone at all makes my heart hurt. I can’t imagine having a child who is in any way “different” and targeted by this garbage.

   3. Ugh, it Is just… the worst. I’m sorry. Thin comfort, but it’s so good for the people around you (particularly, say queer/trans kids) that you’re there just like, respecting their humanity even when the state isn’t.

   4. Just saying hello if you’re in Iowa. It’s terrible right now.

      1. Hi from an Iowa native in Indiana now. The thing about axing DEI spending at the state universities seems awful too! A close family member is an administrator at one of the big state schools and apparently it’s going to kill a bunch of scholarship money for women and under-represented minorities in STEM. I feel awful for those students who relied on the scholarship money. Even if you think universities shouldn’t employee a “diversity officer” per se, this is going way too far.

10. Y’all, what is wrong with my brain? Diagnose me, please! 41, physically healthy, but pretty serious depression with a minor side of anxiety (so say 75% depression, 25% anxiety) – Team Never Going Off Meds. Do I need different meds? Better meds? Some workbook? A spa day?

    – I frequently can’t start my day without an hours-long “warm up period.” As in, my brain and body just don’t work. I lay in bed scrolling on my phone and eventually, slowly, make it downstairs to play with the dogs and get my day started. I back up my wake-up time to account for this.

    – I often only have like 3 productive hours per day when I feel like my brain is actually fully functioning, generally between 3 pm and 6 pm.

    – Even with my 2-3 hours built in to get going and get out the door, I am forever late and forever rushing. Getting out the door is so hard for me that I’m relieved on days I don’t have to leave the house or be anywhere at a certain time. (I’m fully remote.)

    – I procrastinate on work tasks that I worry will be hard, don’t understand, or dislike, to the point that I’ve gotten in trouble. (Happened this week, prompting this post.) My job is 80% chill, 20% busy, so I’ve got no excuse for late deliverables. I also procrastinate in the hopes that maybe tomorrow my brain will be clear and the task will come easily to me and I can zip through it – which does happen sometimes! But you can see that “maybe tomorrow” can keep on rolling…

    – I have days when I can organize anything and see exactly which ways to move forward…and I have days when executive function tasks practically bring me to the verge of tears. (Near tears: last Saturday, when my husband had started packing up our basement ahead of our upcoming move and gave me veto authority on the various keep/trash/donate piles that he had already sorted. Rocking it: helping my mom clean out her attic.)

    – I often feel super overwhelmed in life, even though I have a flexible job and it’s just me and my husband (and dogs). A regular week where I need to work on XYZ deliverables, go to my volunteer thing that I really enjoy, do laundry, and go grocery shopping feels like Too Much. But those are really basic life things that objectively aren’t overwhelming!

    – My memory is an absolute sieve. Convo last week at work? Nope, nada. It’s almost like I wasn’t there. (My memory’s always been really poor – a therapist was once kind of horrified that I didn’t have XYZ canonical childhood memories.)

    – I WANT to get out the door on time, turn in projects on time, be organized, and I objectively know that certain things are important, but I just…can’t? I don’t understand it. My mind knows, but I still fritter away time or run late, etc, etc.

    This is scary for me because my mom is the exact.same.way, just more severe. And I wasn’t like this when I was younger. So whatever defect there is in my brain’s wiring is also present in my mom’s brain’s wiring, and she has gotten SO bad over the years that she really doesn’t do much of anything (she’s retired) – she just plays solitaire on her computer and is pretty much a bump on a log, but I know she, too, would like to get involved in things…but it’s like there’s this cocoon around our minds and it’s so easy and cozy just to stay right here doing a crossword on our phones.

    So is this any of you? Do I need to drink the juice of 4 golden carrots harvested under a full moon before the seventh of each month and my brain will work clearly? Why doesn’t my brain work!? Thank you for any help!

    1. You mention anxiety and depression, but have you looked into ADHD. A lot of your description sounds like me.
       Right now I can’t get meds consistently (shortages), but I have developed some coping skills designed specifically for my brain, rather than what Should work.

       1. +1; I believe ADHD can manifest as both plus some of the other things OP has cited here. The last bullet point is textbook executive dysfunction.

    2. A lot of this sounds like ADHD. But I do feel like having only a few hours a day where your brain is super productive is fairly normal. I’m a night owl and I definitely get a slow start and feel most productive from about 3-8 pm.

       1. Me too. Actually shift that 5-10pm. My days are wasted and then I really get down to work just when everyone else is quitting. I have been this way forever.

    3. Have you had a really thorough work up for medical things? (I’m one of the handful of people here who ended up diagnosed with an autoimmune condition after experiencing vague symptoms. Turns out I had a condition that runs in families which explains a lot!)

       1. Oh, and I definitely also tested positive for ADHD.

       2. Seconding getting a good medical work up. My mom was one of those people that a constellation of vague dragging low energy symptoms were the way she was and it turned out to be an undiagnosed autoimmune disease that wasn’t diagnosed until it REALLY flared.

          1. I was also diagnosed in a flare. A doctor who finally took me seriously (after 4+ years of no help from others) thought to ask for blood tests and both my ANA and rheumatoid factors were off the charts. Wonder how long they’d been that way.

             One doc midway through the process said “you don’t look like someone with autoimmune issues” and didn’t test me at all!

       3. Just spitballing some other possibilities, since the possibility of ADD has been thoroughly covered. What about blood sugar issues? Any diabetes in the family? Have you had your sleep evaluated, either formally or through some sort of wearable tracker?

       4. Definitely this. I attributed my brain fog to COVID/burnout/aging/laziness, but it turns out I was extremely deficient in one vitamin and a bit low on a couple others. My PCP had never done a full panel on me and it seems like as long as I’m not dying they didn’t really care about well-being; I had to find another doctor. It probably would have been easier for me to just go pay $200 at a Quest lab 2 years ago and buy some supplements though, lol.

          1. What vitamin, out of curiosity? I definitely notice mood changes if my vitamin D is low.

             1. Low vitamin D and iron here too. I was in the exact same situation until my doctor ran a full blood test for basically everything. Also, how old are you? that sounds a lot like the symptoms of perimenopause.

       5. Lyme disease? Sounds like what happened to me.

    4. inattentive ADD/ADHD? – maybe look at some online accounts of people and see it that speaks to you. your writing was good and descriptive. You might have some high skills that mask deficits, but not 100%. I have a dyslexia-adjacent language learning disorder but it was well masked by other skills i had until i tried to learn other languages and realized that certain things that were incredibly hard work (but possible) for me, were not even a noticeable task for others,

    5. I struggle with a lot of these exact things. Friends have suggested I get evaluated for ADHD.

    6. I would try a neurologist.

    7. I agree with the other folks that it might be ADHD / anxiety / depression brain fog. Two things that help me with the same constellation of syndromes and diagnoses on the procrastination point are to:
       – write my to-do list as verb-noun statements – which sounds stupid as I type it out, but somehow works! Like just writing “groceries” on my list rather than “go to grocery store” feels like an order
       – break down every project into the “next small step”. I get overwhelmed and avoidant when I don’t know what action to take next but if I know the small next thing I can do, I can often overcome inertia.

       One more idea – I put down how long I think a task will take on my list. So if I find myself with 10 minutes, I can look at my list and see that I could knock a five minute thing off.

       Also whenever I have to be somewhere, I work backwards to figure out the time I need to start getting ready – i include the drive, parking, the time to get dressed, etc. and that keeps me on track. It’s made me early for everything versus perennially late.

    8. this is 100% me, to a tee. been this way my whole life, very hard for me to get started unless there’s a deadline or something. i was just diagnosed as ADHD (at 46). definitely check out tiktok for this kind of stuff, so many good creators on there talking about this for older women. I’m taking Wellbutrin (300) which is off-label for ADHD but helps me.

       with the overwhelm about going out – i totally feel that also but for me it’s like extreme introversion. i know myself well enough to know that those activities are going to require so much more energy from me than anything else that to have 3 of them in one week is only on a need basis. i feel like i’ve definitely leaned into my introversion in the past decade or so.

    9. Try no phone (put it way out of reach before dinner for example) and getting an in office job/working from a shared office. I had similar and that’s what helped.

11. I failed miserably at my last law firm. It was big law, v50 and it was bad. I full-on failed, no questions. They decided put me on a PIP and then did not give me work and decided I was not improving and fired me. I was left on the website and found a new job through a recruiter. My new job is in house at a company who it turns out uses my last firm as their counsel. They don’t use my office; they use an international office. I am being told by our GC that I am going to be introduced to our counsel and they will be told I used to be at the firm.

    Do y’all think the GC or the company will be told I was fired?

    1. Probably not, and I don’t think it matters even if they did. You’re the client now, the outside lawyers want to impress your company. What would they gain by gossiping about the circumstances of your departure from the firm? It would just make them look immature.

    2. The people at your old firm that you’re going to meet may not even know the circumstances of your leaving. And for all they know you’re doing fantastic at your new job, everyone there loves you and if they say anything bad about you then it makes the firm look bad. Forget about it and enjoy being out of the fire that is biglaw.

    3. So I was on the other side of this as a CPA auditing a company where the CFO had been fired from a previous client. Both clients belonged to the same partner, so there was direct knowledge of the firing. Slightly different situation, of course, as client to client confidentiality was involved. Nothing was ever shared with the CFO’s new employer. In your situation where the counsel isn’t in the same office you used to work in I wonder whether they will even know you were let go. If they do find out, it would be wildly unprofessional for them to share that with your current employer.

    4. Most likely not. I would never acknowledge someone’s backstory to our clients/their coworkers. It would make me look petty, it would make our firm look dishonest in putting that person on the job market and helping them land at our clients (especially since they likely had references from within the firm). Also, performance at my company is not necessarily indicative of how they’d perform at a client. There’s literally no personal or professional gain to revealing that and some potential personal and professional loss to doing so.

       The one exception I could imagine this leaking out is via a very close friendship across firm/client company lines, but I’m thinking like college roommates level of closeness not just years of professional relationship type friendship.

    5. No, they have nothing to gain by badmouthing you. In fact if they make the connection (if it’s another office, they might not!) they might worry more about YOU influencing your company not to use them thanks to your treatment at the firm.

       1. Yeah I commented above but this is a better way of putting it. I doubt they’ll even know, but if they do I would expect them to be quaking in their boots about you influencing your company to fire them. They have nothing to gain from badmouthing you.

       2. I was wondering this too. Why badmouth your client to your client?

       3. This is what I was thinking. I am in house now and was recently looking for outside counsel for a major matter. One of the firms a colleague recommended was the firm that didn’t give me an offer as a summer associate almost 20 years ago (for reasons I now think may have been the result of subtle racism). You can bet that I didn’t pick that firm, nor would I ever.

       4. This. Also, as a GC, if I like you already, I don’t really care what happened at the firm, a lot of firms are horrible to people.

          1. This. As another GC here, the skills that make you a great big law lawyer are not necessarily the same as the ones that make you a great in-house lawyer. I’m fact, I hired a team member who I know had some struggles at their prior big law firm, but I knew the players involved and took it as a positive sign, because while those players are brilliant attorneys, they have terrible people skills. This person is shining in their role on my team because the role is a better fit all around.

    6. Agree with everyone else. If anybody needs to be worried, it’s the outside firm.

12. has anyone ever done DIY stuff with acrylic resin epoxy? I’ve got an old vanity desk that I’d like to do a new top for it and got the idea from some YouTube stuff, but I have noooooo experience with anything like this.

    example: https://youtu.be/DdCQP-TtzKc

    1. My friend does this. She is self-taught from YouTube and various social media groups she’s in. She started off with smaller pieces, like trays, but pretty quickly built up to furniture (kitchen table top for one). I’d say go for it!

    2. I’ve done it! It’s really fun, but can get pretty messy.

       Companies selling supplies love to tell you how safe it is, but at a minimum you want a respirator, eye protection, and nitrile gloves. If there’s an outdoor option to pour, do it there, or like, in a garage with the door open and a fan. I wouldn’t eat off it, regardless of what the packaging says. To protect your work surfaces, if you’re doing something small, use a silicone mat – for big areas, lay down trash bags.

       To do the look he’s doing there… I’d do a few practice rounds with the resin and additives you’d intend to use – I generally liked a combination of powdered pigments (especially to get a little bit of a sheen – think like a loose eyeshadow) and alcohol inks. If you’re trying to go dark… I found opacity much easier to get with a white base than with black (or other colors) but a decent black powdered pigment might get you there. Or an underlayer that’s opaque and then the fun swirly stuff on top. Metallic alcohol inks are the funnest thing ever, def do some of those!

       I’d strongly recommend that you experiment with what he’s doing there (a ‘dirty pour’ with all the colors in one cup) vs. pouring the colors separately, vs. some combination of the two – I’ve found that the method he’s using can result in more blended colors than I want. In addition to how you add the colors, there’s a bit of an art to when you pour them… especially in colder weather, I preferred to wait until my resin was just slightly thicker/on its way to curing before mixing colors together, once again to prevent them from blending together too much. For the experimenting, you could get a few silicone molds to practice pouring in, or even wooden blanks from Michaels so you can also practice that tape edge stuff.

       Resin likes heat. I got much better results pouring in my garage in the summer. Heat also helps the resin loosen up and release any trapped air. Tiny bubbles make it less pretty. You can hit it with a heat gun (which can also be good to move/blend colors) but if that’s not already in your arsenal, you can use a spray of rubbing alcohol (highest alcohol percentage you can get at the drug store) to encourage bubbles to pop.

       Resin hates water. If you live somewhere humid, brace yourself for a longer curing time, and really do a test run because if there’s too much wetness, it just might not cure. Don’t be tempted to add any wet additives!

       Ok, I think that’s enough of a novel! I hope you do it and it’s fun!

13. I got an interview I’m super excited about! I’ve been really unhappy at work for a while now but for a variety of reasons don’t want to move except for the right position, so I’ve been applying consistently but selectively and haven’t heard anything in a year, which has been pretty demoralizing. While I know the odds I get this particular job are small, it’s good to know my resumes aren’t just vanishing into black holes, and this reaffirmed my desire that I really do want to move when I find the right thing even if I don’t want to jump to the first available job.

    1. Congratulations on getting the interview and good luck!

14. I love a rashie and have been wearing them for years and years.
    J Crew are great if you have long arms and torso (or are tall-ish).
    My tip is to get one that zips down the front, if you are swimming and not surfing, as it’s easier to get off when wet.
    I love the idea of long sleeve swimsuits but don’t want to sit around getting hot (when dry) or cold (when wet).

    1. Yes to zippers! I will only wear ones that zip as trying to wrestle a wet rashguard off over a large chest is more exercise than an hour of swimming

15. How do you navigate working in a male dominated environment?

    I have a very specific specialization which is male dominated and can be quite toxic but I am enjoying the work itself, just not the people.
    I’m still quite young in my 20s and when I was first starting out as an intern in my career, sometimes it was easier for me to use my age to dissuade inappropriate comments e.g telling them that I’m old enough to be their younger sister/niece, talking about their girlfriend/wife, or to be very blunt in my response e.g ‘I don’t feel comfortable doing that’, ‘This isn’t appropriate in the workplace’ or ‘Don’t speak to me in that way’.

    As I’m getting older it’s becoming more difficult to use my age to discourage unwanted advances or comments and that when using blunt responses it’s not being taken seriously as I’ve been told I’m cute when I’m angry sometimes. I’m a short woman so it feels like a stereotype that small females are cute when we’re angry. Sometimes talking about their wives or girlfriends or kids helps to make it weird to talk to me inappropriately while reminding them of their family at home. However, especially in my current workplace, I’ve been told that I’m a temptation for a colleague who is similar in age to me but holds a higher position to me and has a girlfriend. This has impeded my ability to advance in my career as I’m less likely to be invited to client meetings as well as little mentoring.

    I’ve never flirted with anyone in the workplace and have been very careful with the way I dress and present myself so that the judgement of my work is based on merit not my body.

    I’ve noticed that the women that progress in my field were either lucky to have good management or tolerated the sleazyness.

    I’ve always done extensive research into companies in my job searches but even though the companies I go into aren’t as bad as others that are out there, I still seem to end up in places that are toxic for women or at least women who don’t want anything beyond a healthy professional work relationship. Hence why I’m considering changing careers to get out of this, but am torn because I genuinely enjoy the actual work I’m doing and the difference it can make on people’s lives.

    What are your tips for navigating toxic male dominating workplaces? I’d love to give it another shot before applying to new jobs.

    1. There’s a lot to unpack here, but this stood out to me:

       “I’ve always done extensive research into companies in my job searches but even though the companies I go into aren’t as bad as others that are out there, I still seem to end up in places that are toxic for women or at least women who don’t want anything beyond a healthy professional work relationship.”

       It’s possible that you are just in a really sexist industry and no matter where you go, this will be a problem. There are some male-dominated professions where bad behavior is allowed to perpetuate, like people haven’t gotten the memo about sexual harassment.

       However, I was fortunate to have someone tell me, early in my career, “if you keep encountering the same problems in every situation, there are two possibilities: either everyone else in the world is clueless/a jerk/wrong, or you are the one with the problem. Think about which is more likely.” I took that to heart and started looking at my own behavior. One behavior I identified as problematic was automatic defensiveness to criticism (which I came by honestly, growing up with a hypercritical parent – that’s a whole other post). I worked on that in therapy. I didn’t even realize I was being defensive, but when I changed my mindset, it changed my behavior, and work relationships got a lot easier. I understand you’re saying this: “I’ve never flirted with anyone in the workplace and have been very careful with the way I dress and present myself so that the judgement of my work is based on merit not my body.” However, the fact that you called this out, specifically, is making me ask some questions, such as: why is this a primary consideration? Have you gotten comments on your body at work? Did you report the commenter to HR? If you’re getting hit on or leered at or otherwise sexualized at work, that’s not okay and it needs redress by your company. What has been the result when you’ve complained, if you ever have?

       I am not saying you are bringing harassment onto yourself. But I have also seen a lot of people get into a defensive mindset – usually after having a couple of negative experiences – and stay embedded in it to the point where things that the rest of the world would see as innocuous are considered inappropriate/harassing to the person. I don’t know what industry you’re in (and it would be helpful for you to say – it’s not going to out you, I promise) but if you are literally encountering inappropriate/harassing behavior in every single situation you go into, something is going on beyond “everyone in this male-dominated industry is a gross, creepy harasser.” It would be helpful to hear some specifics of incidents you found offensive/problematic. It would also be helpful to hear how many jobs you’ve had at how many companies in the past ten years. If you’ve moved a lot, and every time you move you keep running into the same issues, I may have some bad news for you.

       Also, one more thing: one of the core tenets of professionalism is that overt displays of anger aren’t appropriate in the workplace. Anger scares people and provokes defensive reactions. If you’re blowing up at people when they make what you consider to be inappropriate comments, that’s as much of a problem as whatever was said to you to provoke the anger.

       1. Hi Anon, thanks for your in depth answer. Yes, I do see your point and will provide more context to my situation/career background. I specialized in engineering as I liked to see how law plays into the contracts of large projects and how much you can positively influence the projects from the very beginning such as mandating certain DEI requirements so that there is more diversity in all areas of it. It’s a sexist industry and is not retaining many females especially in senior level positions.

          Before starting my first job, advice given to me at the college women only networking events was to choose your language and choice of clothing carefully so that you are less likely to run into issues with sexual harassment. I followed that and didn’t have any significant problems with my first job.

          At my second job, I was touched without my consent numerous times by one male in a higher position to me. Each time I’d tell him to stop but he wouldn’t. I went to HR about it as some of the people who witnessed it wouldn’t help me. HR told me that it was too difficult to take action on it as I didn’t have any proof and none of the witnesses would corroborate my allegations. I suspect that they didn’t want to do anything about it because he was friends with senior management. When I left that role due to the lack of support, there was another female who took my place and she also left the company weeks after I did. She told me that she wasn’t happy there but wouldn’t elaborate on why she left so soon after joining.

          Oh no, I apologise if my first comment seemed like I was saying that every male is a harasser. I have had positive experiences with some people. My third job was probably the best one people wise as I had a really good manager who would support me if someone said something inappropriate to me. He and some of the others more senior to me were really good to me and the only reason I left was because we were working long hours and weekends so I struggled to spend time with other people in my life. I chose my fourth and current job because of the reduced work hours which allowed for better work life balance than my third job.

          In this job, I’ve tried to align myself more with the men who are more respectful to me with the work that I’m taking on. Some of the offensive discussions are things such as adult content, being told that I should find a husband here/leave to start a family now, and that my job is to clean. Expressing anger such as yelling is normalized here, and I have been trying not to feed into that culture. The only time I slightly raised my voice in the workplace was when one of the guys made a mess in the bathroom and wanted me to clean it up despite the fact that the building had a cleaner who was there during our work hours. I calmly stated that there was a cleaner that could do it, it wasn’t my job to do it and that I just didn’t have time with my workload. He told me that I should do it as I’m a girl. I then said in a slightly raised voice that I won’t do it.

          1. Consider moving to a different part of the country.

             1. Thanks Anon, your advice is appreciated!

    2. I was in finance and lending for over 40 years and many times was the only woman or one of only a few women on a team, though in later years it evened out a bit. Like the other poster, it would help to know the industry. I know Wall Street and M&A work has always been a boy’s club and I’m sure there are other examples. And I looked young for a long time – people would think I was 25 when I was 35 etc. Often, there were off-color “jokes” and jokes about “melons” when I was in my 20s but never was propositioned overtly where I had to tell someone that something was inappropriate or that I needed to tell HR. I never had to raise my voice. The fact that you’ve had to – on more than three occasions – speak up and/or try to dodge propositions tells me that either your companies need to be reported to the EEOC or something else is going on.

       For direct advice, I found it really helpful to have male mentors, especially ones with clout. And I had to pick ones that were rock solid – not players or people with attention-seeking behaviors. So I had a succession of mentors and worked for several bosses more than once. I convinced (“suggested”) one mentor that I should be invited to weekly off-campus lunches that were 100% male, and I was the first female to ever attend. Then I invited other women or got other women invited and it was better for everyone. I would suggest trying to find someone like that – either in your current workplace or a prior co-worker/boss – and work on learning more about the back-office dealings in your field/company. Talk to them regularly and be current on gossip and ideas about what senior management is looking at doing. Phone calls or quick coffee meetings are fine – you don’t have to have/shouldn’t have long lunches, but keep regular contact.

       Networking in your field with non-coworkers is important too, now that the pandemic is easing. Find a general networking or industry group and get on a committee. You might also find a women’s networking group that covers many industries and join to find women who might be mentors. Keep in touch with prior coworkers – they can be a good source of leads but also if you have problems, it’s easier to explain and get advice if the people you are consulting know the industry and/or some of the employees at your current firm.

       And an executive coach or life/career coach might be helpful. I think you’d want someone with experience in your industry and someone who had been at the director or executive level. I would directly address the issue of – why is my sexuality an issue or an impediment? Am I doing something that I think is helpful that is not? Perhaps you’re easy to rile and react poorly to teasing and that is egging males on. Not that that is an excuse for the poor behavior of your coworkers, but like the anon poster above, if you have had the same issue at different workplaces and different teams, there might be something that you could do differently that would give you a different result.

       1. Trying again…hoping the post shows up.

          I was in finance and lending for over 40 years and many times was the only woman or one of only a few women on a team, though in later years it evened out a bit. Like the other poster, it would help to know the industry. I know Wall Street and M&A work has always been a boy’s club and I’m sure there are other examples. And I looked young for a long time – people would think I was 25 when I was 35 etc. I’m also short. Often, there were off-color “jokes” and jokes about “melons” when I was in my 20s but never was propositioned overtly where I had to tell someone that something was inappropriate or that I needed to tell HR. I never had to raise my voice. The fact that you’ve had to – on more than three occasions – speak up and/or try to dodge propositions tells me that either your companies need to be reported to the EEOC or something else is going on.

          For direct advice, I found it really helpful to have male mentors, especially ones with clout. And I had to pick ones that were rock solid – not players or people with attention-seeking behaviors. So I had a succession of mentors and worked for several bosses more than once. I convinced (“suggested”) one mentor that I should be invited to weekly off-campus lunches that were 100% male, and I was the first female to ever attend. Then I invited other women or got other women invited and it was better for everyone. I would suggest trying to find someone like that – either in your current workplace or a prior co-worker/boss – and work on learning more about the back-office dealings in your field/company. Talk to them regularly and be current on gossip and ideas about what senior management is looking at doing. Phone calls or quick coffee meetings are fine – you don’t have to have/shouldn’t have long lunches, but keep regular contact.

          Networking in your field with non-coworkers is important too, now that the pandemic is easing. Find a general networking or industry group and get on a committee. You might also find a women’s networking group that covers many industries and join to find women who might be mentors. Keep in touch with prior coworkers – they can be a good source of leads but also if you have problems, it’s easier to explain and get advice if the people you are consulting know the industry and/or some of the employees at your current firm.

          And an executive coach or life/career coach might be helpful. I think you’d want someone with experience in your industry and someone who had been at the director or executive level. I would directly address the issue of – why is my se—ality an problem or an impediment? Am I doing something that I think is helpful that is not? Perhaps you’re easy to rile and react poorly to teasing and that is egging males on. Not that that is an excuse for the poor behavior of your coworkers, but like the anon poster above, if you have had the same issue at different workplaces and different teams, there might be something that you could do differently that would give you a different result.

          1. Thanks Coach Laura for reaching out. Yes like Anon suggested, a move to a different area would definitely help. At the moment I’m situated in the countryside so it does make it hard to attend in person networking events due to travel times.

             Grey rocking in the workplace is quite difficult and I certainly need to get better at it.

16. Looking for a not too expensive dress to wear to a work conference dinner (likely indoors) at the end of the month in DC. I have never been to this conference (lots of academicians where I may be the only one in my specific field), but have been told it is a mixture of attire – but cocktail or a step below would be best.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. C0cktail attire for an academic conference dinner sounds very odd to me, unless you’re talking about an event associated with an uber prestigious award like the Nobel prize where celebrities and royals are in attendance. At a normal conference dinner, I would expect most people to be in all manner of business casual with some people (mostly men) in schlubby casual and a handful of people closer to business formal.

       1. +1 I attend a lot of conference dinners and no one is ever in anything I would describe as cocktail, usually because a conference implies there are meetings throughout the day and no one does the change-before-dinner thing (unless, to Anon’s point, it’s actually to get more comfortable/shlubbier). To be fair though I am not in academia and obviously don’t know the specific event so who knows.

          But, to answer your specific question OP, I recently bought this dress on the rec of this site and I would wear it to a conference dinner, even one that might have a “cocktail attire” air about it (I would go with the black or navy in that case): https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/maggy-london-tie-neck-puff-sleeve-scuba-crepe-dress/6040668

          I found it to run big, if between sizes order down.

    2. I think something along these lines can be dressed up or down as needed. I am sure you can find something similar for less, too.

       https://www.brooksbrothers.com/belted-crepe-dress/WX00771.html?dwvar_WX00771_Color=BLCK

    3. With the risk that others will be wearing it, this is my go-to for stuff like that. It runs large, FYI
       https://mmlafleur.com/products/rashmeen-hunter

Comments are closed.