Weekend Open Thread
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I just attended a dinner on Monday where one of the other guests wore a very similar shoe (if not this very shoe). She wore a black suede pair with black tights, and the effect was chic, modern — and she actually seemed able to walk. Amazing! Thus, it's now on my must-buy list for this fall. I like the reasonable price for this Seychelles pair, also — it's available in four colors for $94.95; Endless also has the gold shoe on sale for $70. Seychelles Women's Peacock Peep-Toe Pump
I just came back from a business trip and realized – I need better luggage. I have a large rolling suitcase that is about 8 years old and a rolling carryon that is about 12 years old. They’re both beat to hell, heavy when empty, and the handles and wheels on both have various malfunctions. I was envious, in the airport, watching people who had snazzy luggage with those wheels that will roll in any direction and extendable handles that actually work the right way.
So, does anyone have suggestions for luggage that is durable, lightweight, and has nice bells and whistles/useful features? I would love to hear recommendations from people who travel a lot and love their luggage. I don’t mind spending a decent amount but I don’t necessarily want to spend Tumi-level prices either. I’d like to keep it to around $350-$500 for a set of 3 (big suitcase, smaller suitcase and wheeled carry-on). Thanks!
I don’t travel all that frequently, but I don’t necessarily travel infrequently, either (FWIW, about 15 trips/year). And I love my luggage from, of all places, Target. Mine’s older so they don’t have the exact same set any more, but it’s really similar to this one:
http://www.target.com/Rockland-Hard-Sided-Luggage-Set/dp/B002UO8XJO/ref=br_1_7?ie=UTF8&id=Rockland%20Hard%20Sided%20Luggage%20Set&node=15825281&searchSize=30&searchView=list&searchPage=1&sr=1-7&qid=1287768318&rh=&searchBinNameList=subjectbin%2Cprice%2Ctarget_com_primary_color-bin%2Ctarget_com_size-bin%2Ctarget_com_brand-bin&searchRank=salesrank&frombrowse=1
It’s inexpensive, but seems like it’s worth way more than the $200 price point. Alternatively, Rue La La, One King’s Lane, Gilt, etc. often have sales with hardsided luggage; they tend to have some great deals.
This is actually an anti-recommendation — despite all the hype surrounding Briggs & Riley, I am unimpressed. I received a carry-on roller with garment bag as a (very generous) gift, and I find it to be unstable, extremely heavy when empty, and the zipper sticks.
I think this is the one http://www.briggs-riley.com/category/productDetail.aspx?id=22-inch-Carry-On-Upright-Garment-Bag_U475#
I would actually have to disagree on the Briggs & Riley. I just recently purchased this one: http://www.briggs-riley.com/category/productDetail.aspx?id=20-inch-Carry-On-Expandable-Wide-body-Upright_U420XW in black and took it with me for a 5 day cross-country business trip. It was AMAZING. It fit 4 pairs of shoes (2 flats, 1 pair of heels, 1 pair of running shoes) + 5 days worth of clothes + running clothes + a coat and a lot of odds and ends. Everyone was admiring my bag and a few colleagues ended up purchasing it afterwards because it was so nice. It fit beautifully in the overhead bin space in both a 757 and an A319/320 configuration.
I am happy to answer any more questions people have about it… but it was amazing. It says it’s a “wide body,” but in reality it was maaaybe 1-2″ wider than other roll-aboards, so that was no big deal.
I have gone through 10+ other roll-aboards (I am a little hard on my suitcases) and this one held up much better!
What airline do you typically fly? I use American (mostly) and it looks like that Briggs & Riley is a little wider than the requirements…but its also less deep and shorter. It shoulds like a great carry-on and I’m always in search of the easiest way to travel (I have a Swiss Army carry on that I like, btw).
“Sounds” like a great carry-on. My coffee hasn’t kicked in…
I like the Lands End stuff – mostly because they offer non-black color options. http://bit.ly/9qDUs3
I have the Lighthouse 22″ wheeled carryon, weekender bag and one of the smaller duffles, in the green. There aren’t too many bells and whistles, but they’re worth a look, and probably in your price range. I believe they are sized so as to comply with airline specifications about carryons, if that’s helpful. And I have gotten my wheeled carry on to fit into overhead compartment the correct way, so I’m reasonably confident about the measurements.
Oh my gosh, just go to TJ Maxx or Marshalls!
Great prices on name brand luggage (Tumi, Brics, etc.)
Ditto this suggestion. I was in a TJ MAxx that had a lot of DVF luggage recently for well within your price range, and tons of other options too.
FWIW, I’ve had terrible luck with Samsonite – stuff falls off, the fabric wears easily, etc.
This! And, be careful of the rolling carryone with the slim/slender handle. You can’t really balance another bag without it falling around.
Add Loehmann’s to the list. I got a great DVF suitcase there for under $100
Try Kohls. And I just got one of the bags with multidirectional wheels and I LOVE it! It doesn’t seem like it will work well in the store when it’s empty, but once you put some weight in it, it works perfectly. I want to switch out my larger pieces for the same thing now!
I second the recommendation for Marshalls/TJMaxx and would add Tuesday Morning.
Delsey’s Helium line is lightweight, steers in a straight line, has a tall enough retractable handle, a clip for your tote bag, and comes in colors easy to find on a baggage carousel. (Red and royal blue). FWIW I am not a fan of a wheeled carry-on because if overhead bin space is at a premium, most won’t squeeze under the seat in front of you.
I second the Marshall’s/TJ’s rec but would advise against buying luggage from “fashion” lines (DvF, Nicole Miller, whatever) — I don’t think of that as brand name luggage. Its selling point is not its durability.
I actually have a bit of experience in this arena, having spent much of college working in a travel shop, and the brands I would recommend are: TravelPro (used the most by actual pilots & flight attendants); Delsey (great little extras like a pouch for your wet bathing suit that you can access from outside your packed bag, thus enabling a last minute swim), or Swiss Army (a bit pricier, but I’ve had good luck.) I also really like Eagle Creek, which someone mentioned below, but they make more rugged, outdorsy stuff like duffels & back packs; not sure how they are on actual luggage.
3rd the Delsey rec.
I have several friends in the military that travel constantly, and they turned me onto the Eagle Creek line of luggage from the Container Store. I LOVE this luggage, and they have a lifetime “any reason” replacement/repair policy. I bought the big suitcase and the rolling carry-on, as well as the hang-up foldie thing that goes in the suitcase for dresses (my friends recommended it for their dress uniforms) and a water proof bag for things like my shower supplies, etc. I bought the black luggage, but it has some nice bright blue accents (which also make it easier to spot). It also comes in just solid blue, though, as well.
My suitcase is by Delsey and it is great quality. I highly recommend the brand. I also have an Atlantic brand carry-on that has held up very well for years. I travel frequently (at least one round-trip flight per month) for work and pleasure.
I disagree with those who suggested going to TJ Maxx or the like. If you buy from a luggage store, you will get the benefit of the warranty on the luggage. Many brands will even be able to get you a replacement while you’re on vacation. OTOH, if you have a defective product that you purchased at TJ Maxx, you’re screwed.
I suggest browsing luggageonline.com. They have some excellent deals. Just about all the new luggage sold these days are spinners now.
I would suggest that whatever you decide to buy, if possible, wait until the holiday sales!
I would likewise recommend TJ Maxx and Tuesday Morning. I got a fairly large (big enough for a week) Victorinox Swiss Army2- wheeled suitcase at TJ Maxx for $99. It has a garment bag (removable) on the inside that is absolutely wonderful, and the pull-out handle has a thing that flips out so you can pull it in a more ergonomic hand position. I can’t tell you how much I love that bag. I had bought two other Swiss Army bags (one big, one small) at Tuesday Morning a few months earlier at what I thought then were great prices — probably $100 for the small and $175 or so for the big one. But I loved the TJ Maxx one so much because of the color and the integrated garment bag (and better price) that I bought it anyway. My husband now uses the other ones. I recently bought a carryon size Heys hardside 4-wheeled bag at TJ Maxx for about $60. I love that bag, too. The 4 wheels are fabulous — you can turn it sideways and push it in front of you as you squeeze through tiny airplane aisles. The hardside seems kind of flimsy at first, but it’s actually really strong and thus far has proven pretty much indestructible. Plus, it’s a fun color that gives me an inordinate amount of pleasure.
I got a great luggage set back in 2002 from JC Penney. It was $99 for the big, medium, carry on, shoulder bag and garment bag. Still going strong though there are a couple little outer fabric tears from getting tossed under the plane. I have used it a lot!
I enthusiastically endorse Hartman. I have a carry-on size, roller bag from their more modestly priced collection that has served me very well. It is has logged many air miles in it’s 7-8 years. Can’t say enough positives!
Thanks for everyone’s responses! I have started doing some online research into the brands everyone has mentioned. Miriam’s suggestion about waiting for the sales around and after the holidays is well-taken – and, my husband got recruited for a new job that involves more travel that we’re waiting to hear about, so we’re not going to make any immediate purchases. I do really appreciate the suggestions and will post back about what we get and how well it works out.
I travel a fair amount and love my tumi t-tech luggage (their less expensive line.). I’ve had mine for over five years, and its held up great. I really like that the bag itself is lightweight, so it doesn’t get too heavy even when full. Might be above your price point, but, it would be a great investment.
We bought REI luggage and have been quite pleased with it. The color is also pretty but unique enough that I never miss my bag coming off the luggage rack. I highly recommend looking for something you can easily spot rather than basic black.
I have had my Ricardo brand roller-bar for more than 8 years and it seems indestructible. I use it all the time including two four month tours around central europe in winter, where it was dragged over cobblestones and up and down stairs. My aunt and uncle bought it for me at staples for under$100. They also bought the matching smaller bag that is supposed to slide onto the handle; unfortunately, the handle isn’t quite wide enough (as other posters have mentioned about other suitcases) and the smaller bag tends to slip around. Also, the large outer pocket on the one I have hasn’t been too useful (it’s not deep enough for much besides maybe a think magazine). However, it’s possible that they have redesigned them and made them better. I can’t say enough about how sturdy it is!
I also recommend “spinner” wheels if you can get them but note that is makes the suitcase heavier. I have a “spinner” bag that is Jeep brand and it is a cheap POS. It’s really huge though so I don’t use it that often, so I am not too worried about it falling apart.
REI has great luggage, reasonable prices and a great warranty. A carry-on malfunctioned after 8 years and they gave us a new one almost for free!
Hi Corporettes!
I’ve just started as a new associate at a large law firm in LA, and was wondering what tips you all have for a junior attorney just starting out (this is my second year of practice but my first year with BigLaw). Any advice, caveats, etc.? (whether re getting good work, coexisting well with fellow attorneys, support staff, or anything else?) Thanks!
Be as sweet as pie to the support staff–that means everyone–secretaries, paralegals, people in the copy room, word processors etc. They are so used to taking crap from mean, cranky, stressed-out lawyers, they will absolutely love you if you start every conversation with “hi. how are you. would you be able to help me with X.” Never never never start with “I need” or “I want.” Likewise, don’t create emergencies–plan work to the best of your ability. No one likes a rush.
If you’re nice and friendly to everyone, they will always come through in a jam and help you out–whether it’s staying late to get your work done or moving your stuff to the front of the line. These rules apply to both men and women–you’ll be surprised how far being nice can get you.
I actually disagree with the advice about being “sweet as pie” In my experience, being super sweet can be detrimental and may make it difficult to be taken seriously(i.e. she won’t mind if we bump her extremely urgent copy job, she’s so sweet, she’ll understand) Or sneaky support staff will attempt to foist work back, rationalizing to themselves “she so sweet – she’d never call me on it.” However, I recognize I may be overly sensitive to this as a 30 something attorney who looks about 23 on a good day so YMMV.
I do wholeheartedly agree with the remaining pointers and advice to be nice and friendly, ask if they have time to help you, ask how you coworkers are doing.
You don’t need to be as sweet as pie, certainly, but you do need to be kind, courteous, and you need to not operate under the assumption that support staff – any support staff, from secretaries to paralegals to, yes, librarians – are sitting around flipping through a magazine and waiting for someone’s emergency.
It seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised.
Yes! I just came back from an exhausting two-week audit abroad with 12-hour days. The most junior member had been in the firm for exactly one week before this – a baptism of fire. She was sweet, bouncy, happy, hugged people, chirped fulsome praise at every juncture, emphasised how much she was enjoying the time.
In one way, it was pleasant that she helped to create a positive atmosphere. But she grated at times without meaning to, and I worry that her behaviour will cause more senior people in the firm to dismiss her as a lightweight who doesn’t understand how serious a job or a client relationship can be.
Additionally I’m considering giving her some tips on wardrobe issues… she doesn’t mean to look like a ballet dancer, but doesn’t seem to realise that being 5’11” means you have to be extremely careful when buying skirts and dresses.
What do you mean? How does one dress like a ballerina?
Ballerinas (while dancing) wear short skirts so that their legs don’t get caught. The skirts are fine while dancing and on stage, but royally inappropriate in an office setting.
Or at least that’s what I took from it…? :-)
Another Sarah – exactly!
Absolutely. It’s amazing how many people start in the gutter because they can’t extend basic courtesies to the support staff. My dad told me something like this when I started out- Be nice to secretaries. They know how to do everything, they know where everything is, they know what’s wrong with everyone, and they will destroy you when you least expect it if you aren’t.
If you’re just starting your career, I think there’s no better advice than to read Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. I know we recommend it in like practically every comment thread, but it really has TONS of useful advice.
I would amend SCS’s comment. On the one hand, treating everyone with basic courtesy and acknowledging their humanity is critical. On the other, sometimes you do need someone to do something. If you ask someone “would you be able to help me with X” that gives them an opening to say “no.” If that person is below you on the food chain, you have every right to say “Hi. How are you? I need you to do X by Y because of Z. Thank you SO much for your help.” It can be enormously self-defeating to not take the authority you are authorized.
As a woman in a male dominated specialty, not being too subservient has been a key point in my growth professionally.
It’s tricky because sometimes there are multiple people who can do the same job, so it’s appropriate to say what needs to be done, by what time, and then ask whether they have time to help. If they say no, then it’s appropriate to probe whether the other items on their plate are emergencies and if you suspect BS, ask who they’re working for so you can talk to them about how to prioritize.
I it’s fine to say “need,” but I’d usually say “we” not “I” and if it’s a short-term deadline, explain why. You don’t want to come off as “do this because I say so,” but you do want to convey the impression that you expect them to help.
Taking time to give praise for a job well done, especially with time pressure, is a kind of sweet that is likely to get you cooperation in the future without undermining your authority.
As for other tips on being a junior associate, there’s a book called something like the Curmudgeon’s Guide to Being an Associate that, while tongue in cheek and a bit harsh, has some pretty good advice about how to think about things from your supervisors’/clients’ point of view and make yourself useful. It’s more about being detail-oriented and responsible at the junior level than about doing anything spectacular – hopefully you get chances to shine later. That’s hard for a lot of junior folks to accept.
yep, treat the support staff with courtesy and respect. Now that I’m an associate, I treat people the way I wanted to be treated (and generally wasn’t). I’m pretty horrified by the way my colleagues treat the copy room and mail room staff.
Sweet is not necessary. Treat everyone with respect; I mean, everyone. Treating people with respect means acknowledging them (in the hallway, on the elevator, and not just when you need something from them). Learn their names if you can; when asking for something, don’t forget that they have a job to do just like you do. Don’t forget to acknowledge their contributions to your work. Do this because it’s right and because you know that you’ll feel better about yourself for it. But I predict over the course of a career, it will pay substantial dividends.
Make sure the first thing you do for any lawyer is 100% on point and accurate even if you have to eat time to do it. then you set the expectation for good work. YOU WILL SCREW SOMETHING UP – not necessarily badly, but you will, and you want the thought process to be, must have been a fluke, versus another screw up…..
And when you do (inevitably) screw something up, don’t try to cover it up or shift blame. It just makes it look like that is how you usually operate. Own it, apologize briefly but earnestly, suggest a fix, and implement it — that’s what an otherwise competent person who makes an isolated mistake does, and it the grown up and responsible way to act. I can’t tell you how many people at all levels get this wrong.
Learn to manage up. If the senior partner is super busy and you are put as third chair on some tiny files and you see a deadline approaching, ask if they would like you to start working on it. Things do slip through the cracks. If you are unsure about something, ask someone to review it before it goes out the door. Don’t just wait for assignments. Be proactive when you see something that needs to be done – just make sure someone knows you are doing it so they don’t assign it to someone else.
Do be sweet to support staff. There’s a difference between being sweet and thoughtful and courteous, and being incapable of being assertive. I’m a new attorney at a BigLaw firm now, but before law school I worked as a paralegal and secretary for two years. I did all my work for all my attorneys – but an when the nice attorneys told me they needed something extra fast, I always always always pushed them to the front of the line, and when the responsible attorneys needed me to stay late for an emergency, I didn’t gripe the way I inevitably did when less thoughtful attorneys imposed on me. Cuz being imposed on is what it feels like when someone throws a new project on your overloaded desk and barks that they need it done now, ignoring that you have a full load of work already, and being imposed on is what it feels like when the partner who rolled in at 10 AM informs you at 4:30 PM that he needs you to work late. And that quickly builds into resentment when it’s a routine part of your job to have your time treated as disposable by others. That treatment sucks when you’re an associate, but at least as an associate you’re putting up with it because in the long-term, you’ve got a chance at becoming that partner. Think about how much worse it would be if you never got to think “just a few more years… just a few more years… and I won’t have to put up with his crap anymore.” I think something attorneys forget is that secretaries are rarely invested in a case – having a pleasant work atmosphere and reasonable, predictable work hours are on their radar, not winning and making partner. The compensation and the kind of work they get reflect that, and that should be respected by their bosses as well.
As an attorney, being a pushover is not OK, and sometimes you might have to lay down the law (teehee) to your secretaries and others. But letting your secretary feel like part of a team whose time is valued and who is trusted to make decisions goes a long way for making that secretary actually go the extra mile for you. Treating your secretary like a colleague goes a very long way towards making that secretary loyal to YOU, which is the best way to ensure that (s)he will go the extra mile when you need it.
Above and beyond being sweet to people, be human. If someone is having a tough day, take 5 minutes to listen to their story and offer a cheerful word, from a secretary to a paralegal to another lawyer. People in this business move around a lot, and an act of humanity to another is never forgotten.
Do not file anything you yourself have not thorougly reviewed, ever. That goes for your work today and as a partner years from now.
Take responsibility for your work and do not blame your secretary. Occasionally you will need to explain mistakes, but remember that your secretary works for you, not your boss.
Read everything one more time. I almost always catch something on that last read through, and often print it out so I get a fresh look at it.
Oh, there is so much more but I’m here on a Saturday for a reason!
Regarding the featured show — what are general feelings about tights (or hose) with peep toe shoes?
I can deal with tights in a similar or same colored peep toe. Hose toes to me just looks like your underwear line is showing. JMHO.
Actually, I asked about this yesterday and there was a large variety of responses there.
(Thanks to everyone who responded, btw!)
Oops, sorry for the typo, I meant “the featured shoe”
So does anybody wear these boyfriend blazers? I’m thinking of finally getting one but I can’t figure out what to wear them with to make them work-appropriate. They seem to look great with jeans or leggings but I definitely can’t do that at work. So maybe straight legged pants only? Does anyone wear skinny dress pants to work? If so, what are good brands and that aren’t too tight? I just love the look of the boyfriend blazer but having trouble making it work-appropriate. Thanks guys!
I work in a more business casual setting, for what it’s worth. I tend to wear a boyfriend blazer over a dress and tights often. I’ve had trouble making it work with skirts and pants, but find it looks best over dresses.
I will wear them with jeans on our casual Fridays. They look great with skinny/straight leg jeans.
And I second the question about people wearing skinny dress pants to work. I’ve been eyeing a pair of black skinny pants but can’t pull the trigger yet. Don’t want people to think I’m trying to wear leggings or something similar on a work day!
what kind of dresses in particular? I’m having some of these issues as well.
I wear them with a variety of dresses. If I’m wearing a dress to work, I’ll just throw a boyfriend blazer on over it before I leave the house in the morning. Sometime it works & I’ll keep it, and when it doesn’t, I’ll swap it out for a traditional blazer or sweater. I’ve found the best combos through trial & error, honestly.
For instance, this week I wore a black boyfriend blazer over a more fitted gray sweater dress with black opaque tights & black pumps.
I also have a gray tweed sheath-style dress (it’s not a traditional sheath, but similar) that I bought at BR last season that looks great with a boyfriend blazer. I’ve also worn it over a printed BCBG dress, belted with tights as well.
I find that boyfriend blazers look best when paired with more feminine items, so I do try to add an interesting necklace or cocktail ring to make the look less masculine.
I am wearing skinny black pants from Banana today with a somewhat flowy sleeveless blouse, a long strand of pearls, and a tweedy 3/4 sleeve suit jacket. On my feet are almond-toe pumps from Ann Taylor. I think the look works, but only on a Friday.
I have skinny work pants in a ponte knit. They are great for days w lots and lots of meetings bc they are comfy. I work in a business casual environment. I pair them with oxford shoes or booties, a long cardi, top and statement necklace or scarf.
Thanks everyone. I ordered the boyfriend blazer yesterday so I’ll try it with dresses (I already do blazers with dresses, which I love but just wasn’t sure how a boyfriend blazer would like with them) and I’ll look out for some skinny work pants. I guess the blazer should be long enough at least to cover my butt! Spacegeek, where did you get your pants if you don’t mind me asking? Thanks!
Chicos, which works for me although you have to be selective and avoid much of the prints!
I love these shoes!
Fyi, Talbots has 30% off of tops for 3 hours only today, from 12 to 3 your time, whatever time zone you’re in, plus free shipping. It would be over for east coast, but still time for central and west coast. It also applies to sweaters.
I apologize in advance, as this is more friend/life related than work/fashion related. But bear with me, as I could use the advice/perspective of wiser Corporettes.
My best friend’s boyfriend (they’ve been dating over a year) recently confided in me that he is going to ask her dad for permission to propose to her. My best friend and I are in our early 20’s and her boyfriend just turned 30.
I am torn between feeling really happy for my friend and yet his announcement also made me feel very sad (no jealousy whatsoever, but just sad). While I have many friends, she is the one I am closest to, and the thought of her getting married makes me feel like I’m ‘losing’ her. It feels like she’s about to join a club which I am nowhere near ready to be a part of (FYI – I’m single and have been for over a year. It’s highly unlikely I’ll be married anytime soon). I’m afraid that once she gets engaged/married, things won’t ever be the same between us. I knew this would happen one day, but I had no idea it would happen so soon!
I know it’s childish to feel this way, but I can’t shake the feeling. Does anyone have any advice/perspective/been through this before?
I hear ya sister! Same thing happened to my best friend. And unfortunately, my fears were confirmed. She got married a year ago and is due to give birth in a couple of weeks. But ever since she met the guy (before getting married), I have been relegated to priority #34853 in her life. It’s not going to get any better now that they bought a house in the burbs and are about to have a child. Oh well, c’est la vie.
But if your friend has so far been able to juggle this relationship and your friendship until now, perhaps she will not go the way of my friend once she gets married. I hope things turn out different for you than they did for me!
I’ve been there, too. Since I’m anon, I will say it SUCKS when friends get engaged. Por ejemplo:
– One of my closest friends got completely consumed with wedding chatter everytime we hung out, to the point that I came to hate The Wedding.
– Another one of my friends is getting married in her hometown, three hours from here, so she’s never around on weekends anymore, ever, because she is at meetings with florists, etc.
– A third friend got married and moved to the suburbs, which are only 10 minutes away but might as well be on Mars, and we haven’t hung out in months.
I don’t have much advice on the point, other than to sympathize. I think it’s just one of those life changes, like moving, graduating from college, or having a baby, that changes your relationships with people. Friendships shift and change over time, and just make sure your nurturing relationships with enough people that the loss of one person won’t destroy your support network.
(Which is not to say that you’re going to lose this friend. I have plenty of other friends that I haven’t lost through babies/marriages/suburbs. But I sympathize with the feeling.)
I’m in my mid-20’s, single, and this has happened to me as well. Honestly, you will “lose” your friend for a while – especially with the wedding planning and getting adjusted to new living situations and in-laws (if those situations apply). Once things settle down though, you will get your friend “back” and she’ll have more time for you. Will it be the same as pre-boyfriend/husband levels? Most likely not, but that’s the beauty of friendships and people – they constantly evolve and change. Even if your friend didn’t get married, the more time she is with her significant other, the more your relationship with her would’ve changed as well. Even if you neither of you have had SO’s, your relationship would still change.
Also, it really depends on the person. One of my bff’s got married and completely disappeared from my life except when she needed something from me. Another bff disappeared when she got engaged but as soon as she got married, she contacted me again and we’re stronger than ever. It used to make me sad but I appreciate the variety of friendship intensity now (if that makes sense).
I cried after getting off the phone with each of my two best friends when they told me they were engaged. I couldn’t have been happier that they both found fantastic guys are a great match, but I hated feeling like things would be different. They’re still my two best friends and yes, they usually come into town with the husband in tow, but if I go visit them, they are great about doing either a girls night out without husband and if husband has plans, doing a girls night in. I listened to a lot of wedding chatter (I was the MOH for one and bridesmaid for the other), but they’re there to pick up the pieces when I break up with boyfriends and listen to the excitement of single girl life and not judge me when I call them drunk from a bar (we’re 30). It is different but it’s still good. It just takes awhile to get used to. Just know you are not alone and it’s just a phase you have to go through.
Even after being married for years, I cried when my best guy friend was getting married because his new relationship had already completely changed our friendship. Don’t feel guilty, it is totally normal.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I’m sorry you’re having to go through it–it is really hard. It’s also inevitable. In order for a marriage to work, it needs room, and that pretty much means other relationships have to give it space to be primary. There’s no way around that.
But it doesn’t mean your friend is dead, or that the friendship is over! Give your friend some time to settle in–she’s going through some HUGE life shifts that will consume her attention for a while, but on the other side of it, she’ll need a good girlfriend.
Oh, and if she’ll let you, help with wedding planning and crap. Planning my wedding was probably the most lonely time of my life! Oh, how I wish I’d had girlfriends around to help! Most of them flew in the day before the wedding, ate cake, and then left. Boo!
I’m now mid-30’s so I’m on the other side of this now. I’ve been there and I remember the feeling when the first of my friends got married. I’ve also been the one getting married/having the baby. Things will be different, but life changes. In many cases, your relationship will adjust to meet those changes. Friendships that were meant to last will last.
Try to remember to be excited for her and try to be excited about this portion of her life. That day may come for you and you’ll want her to be excited for you.
Not that this will happen to you, but I have a school friend who really didn’t want to participate in the rest of our life events, probably because she was still single. Now that she’s finally getting married, I am having a hard time being too excited for her, although it is wonderful that she’s finally met the right person, because all I can remember was how she acted when I was going through those things.
I recently read The Girls From Ames, about a group of 11 women whose friendship has extended from childhood now to their 40s. What struck me was the author’s observation that friendships “drift” (my word) during the early marriage and parenting phase, but that if the connection is maintained, they take right back up later.
Also, that the friends you make during early marriage and parenting tend to be more context and situation-driven and less durable. So, hang in there!
I LOVE that book! I so agree, too. Core friends will be there (though not always as frequently) through all sorts of life changes.
I’m happily single in my 30s, but I don’t recall ever feeling like I was losing a friend because s/he was engaged. Almost all my friends lived with their spouses for at least a few years before getting married, so there was really no change when it went from that phase to the marriage phase. Most of my friends I lost because of significant others were lost far before the couple got married- they were the people who couldn’t do anything without the SO.
I am sorry you are feeling sad. One thing I will say, I recently got married and I feel like I lost all of my single friends because they chose to exclude me from events our outings because I was married and they assumed that I wouldn’t want to hang out with them anymore. It really hurt to be the only one to call them and to ask them to do something. Just because she is getting married doesn’t mean that your friendship will be any less important to her. As a married woman I NEED my girlfriends to keep me sane because while I love my husband, I love the other people in my life and want to continue our relationships too. It makes for a healthier marriage when there are other people out there that I enjoy hanging out with.
Ladies – THANK YOU so much for all of the responses. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only person who’s ever felt like this and that many other women gone through major life shifts, with friendships (largely) still intact.
She and I have maintained our close relationship, even though she has been living with said SO for a few months, so I hope that aspect won’t change after engagement/wedding. I will like be the maid of honor in her wedding, so I expect to be included somewhat in the planning process.
Thanks for the reminders about being supportive and continuing to include her in my life. While it’s an exciting change, it’s still a change, and change can be scary. I also have to remember to be supportive and 100% there for her, as I would want her to be when my time (hopefully) comes.
Thanks again!
One more thought on this.
I was on the other side of the fence with this about 8 years ago when I got engaged and my best friend was clearly, visibly, jealous and afraid of losing me. She was my maid of honor and she was fantastic. She was really there for me when I needed her, before, during and after the wedding. She is a great “auntie” to my two boys.
I just returned from her wedding last weekend. I got to be her maid of honor, to help her through her wedding, and will be “auntie” to her kids. Remember that what goes around comes around, in time. You allude to it as being a possibility, but a true friendship really does transcend it all. Be the friend you want to have. :)
I don’t know why nobody has said this before, so I’ll be the bad guy:
Your best friend had an immensely happy thing happen to her, and all you’re thinking of is how sad you are?!
Get over yourself! This is not about you.
You may be a little jealous that it isn’t you who got engaged first. And/or jealous that she is now going to be closer to someone else than to you.
If you really are the best friend you claim you are, you’ll stop thinking about yourself and be supportive of her happiness.
Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever. I’d say stop soaking in this- go ahead and just let it go. Be grateful you shared a friendship, bless it with love and move on. If you remain friends- great! Sure… it will change because her life is changing and that’s cool. But if the friendship just doesn’t work out- OK–you shared time in a special place with a special friend. I’m sure you’re really terrific, therefore, you’ll attract more like people into your life.
So a couple of days ago, one of my bosses (a partner) came into my office to update me on developments in a case I’m working with him on. When we done discussing the case, he shut my door and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look tired. Is everything okay?”
Now, my husband just found out he is getting a budget-related salary cut. A few days later my 7 year old son – who has been sick for weeks – was diagnosed with asthma. So things have been a little rough. On the other hand, I had been out really late the night before at a dinner party.
I was pretty surprised because I don’t think I looked any more tired than I usually do. I explained that my son has been sick and just diagnosed the day before, but then kind of laughed it off and said something about the more likely cause was having been at a late dinner party the night before.
FWIW this particular partner is the youngest one at my firm and we have a good working relationship. He has three kids and is very understanding about that stuff. I’m wondering if he’d heard things about my recent stressors (we live in a fairly small town), if he was thinking my work hasn’t been up to par (I have no reason to think so, but I tend to be paranoid), or if I really just looked especially tired.
I’m driving myself crazy trying to interpret what he meant. Should I read anything into this?
I actually do think you should read *something* into it. In my experience, one won’t go out of their way on a whim to pull you aside and tell you that you look tired and inquire into your life. They might say it offhand in conversation, or respond to your commentary that you’re tired with “I noticed” (in a nice way) on a whim, but they would not do it in a deliberate “Let’s Have a Conversation” manner unless they had thought about it ahead of time.
Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean your work isn’t up to par. It could be that you’ve been out during office hours (for doctor’s appointments). Or that you have seemed a little distracted or moody for some period. Or that you’ve looked tired for a number of days/weeks. Or that your secretary gossiped about your son’s “illness” and he wanted to check in without being overly nosy. But I think it likely means that he has noticed *something.*
I would just drop by his office and ask if, given the conversation, he thought your work had been suffering lately or if you should have any concerns about perceptions of you around the office. That type of conversation can be done tactfully and will make you look more professional for wanting to address any problems. Sounds like this guy is exactly the right guy to ask, since you have a good relationship with him.
I disagree with this. It doesn’t sound to me like he went to her office to have A Talk–he went to tell her about the case, and only then did he notice she looked tired. I think he was just being caring and friendly and wanting to be supportive. Going to him and asking if her work suffered, especially if she has no reason to think it has, would make her look paranoid and prone to take things the wrong way.
I think you should take this as meaning you work for some really caring people who want to know that you’re okay and think of you as a human being rather than as an office drone. You are blessed!
agreed!
This!
Yes. Consider yourself fortunate to be working with a nice guy.
I agree. I’m sure he didn’t mean that you looked bad or anything, just that he was concerned about you, as a friend and colleague.
With the door closed, I think it’s ok to confide in a close colleague that there have been some family issues recently that have contributed to some stress outside work.
I know that I’ve been going through some tough stuff, too, and although I try to put on a strong face at work, I would appreciate it if a close work friend would ask if I were ok…
Agreed. Focus on your work so you don’t give him something to think about!
It sounds to me that he was just concerned in a friendly way, not anything to worry about… but I have always been very friendly (and frank) with my bosses, so YMMV.
I just had to add: if all partners were that caring, I think there would be fewer breakdowns and suicides in the legal professions. That kind of “are you doing okay” conversation should be more common. It’s sad that it raises eyebrows and makes you paranoid.
I wouldn’t read anything into it. Men are a little more straightforward than women and he probably just thought you looked tired. After all, you’d been out really late the night before.
I would assume that he is a caring and decent person who wanted to make sure you are okay. I had an experience with a junior attorney who I consider a friend. She was not doing her work and had been missing meetings and deadlines. I finally worked up the courage to tell her and she broke down, telling me about some serious difficulties she had been having recently. I completely understood and wish she had said something earlier so I would not have spent so much time fretting about my disappointment in her recent work.
I would say, for now – no. If it recurs, then yes. He was probably being nice & sensitive.
Is it just me, or does wearing hose (any color) with an open-toed shoe seem wrong. In reference to the luggage discussion, I’m really happy to hear that so many people think so highly of Delsey. My husband and I are very soon traveling to Europe and since most of our luggage had broken or torn in some way, we went luggage shopping. We ended up buying a royal blue Delsey, mostly because the wheels seemed really protected and the main problems we’d had in the past where wheels breaking off.
I think hose & shoes = bad. Stockings + certain shoes = awesome on the right person. It has to look intentional, works only with some shoes, & you have to feel comfortable doing this or it will fail. But, personally, while I wouldn’t do this for work, I think it’s a really fun look for outside work.
It sounds like you’ve got a nice boss who wanted to reach out. I would be overthinking it too, mostly because it’s not what we expect from bosses. But take it as a reach-out– he wants to let you know that he cares and you can confide in him if necessary.
Good luck with everything! Big corporette hug your way :)
20 pages of my note due on Sunday… I am on page 11… fun weekend ahead of me :)
UGH I FEEL YOUR PAIN! You can do it!!!
Best of luck D , I’m at page 8 out of 25 .. good times
I apologize for the long story, but I’m pretty upset about something that happened at work.
Background: I am Muslim. I’m white and a recent convert. I do not wear a headscarf and I wear regular, business-professional, “Western-style” clothing. (But I dress conservatively in that I cover my arms and legs at all times.) In other words, you would never guess I am Muslim unless you specifically talked to me about it. Some people at work are aware of my religion because I take time off for religious holidays and try to schedule around Friday prayer services, but many may not know. Anyway …
I was recently traveling with a partner I work with only rarely. Somehow the topic of eating bacon or something came up when the two of us were talking, and I mentioned that I can’t eat it. He responded, “Even if your husband’s not around?” I responded with “It’s my religion always, even when my husband is not around.” And then, feeling the need to defend my husband, I added “It’s not my husband. My husband is not even that religious. He sometimes drinks wine, for example.” To which the partner responded, “Well that’s good. At least then he can’t try to make you wear a headscarf.” I responded, “It is my choice whether to wear a scarf, and many Muslim women do not do so. My husband prefers I not, actually, but he would support whatever decision I made.” The conversation then progressed to his asking a number of general questions about the religion.
I was pretty offended by the above conversation. I do not like the implications that my husband controls my life. Or that my religious practice is “inauthentic” and only adopted for him. I do get comments to this effect sometimes from coworkers, and reasonably often from other acquaintances or relative strangers. I like all my coworkers (including this one). They all are nice and mean well. I often am asked questions about my religion (some of which are quite personal and some of which are people trying to learn something generally about the religion), and I answer happily to try to educate and dispel any misconceptions. But I sometimes wonder if by taking this approach, I am maybe sharing too much and inviting my religion to become a topic of conversation. And perhaps this increases the chances of offensive comments.
I guess I’m just looking for advice about how to deal with these “nosy” religion questions in general. What is the best approach at work?
I think the implication that your husband controls you or your life, even without the religious subtext here, would be offensive. It sounds to me like you handled it perfectly – I can’t think of anything else to suggest. This sucks though, and you have every right to be upset! :(
I agree–this was a conversation about things that were none of this guy’s business, including your eating habits, your choice of clothing, and your relationship with your husband. His questions were inappropriate.
The only other idea I have is that maybe you can give responses that shut down the conversation (when dealing with someone who clearly isn’t taking a hint). What if you said, in the gentlest, almost sing-song tone, “well, you know, these things are all just personal decisions”–? This way you get to provide less information, rather than more, and it’s a slightly stronger cue from you–in disguise–that you’re not willing to go further on these topics. It’s also vague enough to apply to anyone and anything–i.e. you’re not about to turn around and ask him whether he went to church last Sunday either. Because we all know these things are personal.
“this was a conversation about things that were none of this guy’s business, including your eating habits, your choice of clothing, and your relationship with your husband. His questions were inappropriate.”
Once she said she couldn’t eat bacon, she injected her life into the conversation. I can’t imagine a comment someone could make about bacon where a soft listening sound wouldn’t be ok.
“I can’t eat bacon” is pretty garden-variety. In addition to adherents of at least two major religions, vegetarians and scores of dieters could have made the remark too. Are they all asking to be grilled about their personal life and beliefs? Really?
Um, I am and I’m vegetarian. I have had a week of meetings and the number of times I’ve had to explain to people how I manage to stay alive on a daily basis, how often my doctor checks my blood to see if I’m healthy, and how I manage to workout without eating meat would shock you, I guess. When I was with my ex, people asked what he ate, how often he ate meat, how we managed to cook together since he wasn’t vegetarian, whether I’d kiss him if he ate meat…all at work.
Is it possible that the questions were not meant to intrude but to gain understanding? Brushing off the questions is one approach, but dealing with them directly might mean that this person has changed his preconceptions.
Well, you’re a more patient person than I, anon. I think those are all jerky questions. The fact that they’re common doesn’t make them non-jerky, IMO.
I am currently struggling with my faith (non-practicing Catholic) and I am looking into other religions that might more align with my beliefs. In so doing, I have tried to inquire about other religions from people that practice them. One of the named partners at my firm is actually a minister and I’ve considered speaking w/ him (b/c I want to learn more about his religion) but I also don’t want to overly blur that work/life line. I am only telling you all this because while this particular conversation was certainly offensive, I wouldn’t assume that all questions about your religion are meant to be offensive.
Finally, lots of people do things to please their spouses that isn’t exactly controlling but rather, respectful. My friend can’t eat dairy and misses it dearly. Her husband doesn’t eat dairy either, at least around her. Another is pregnant and her husband has given up alcohol, at least around her. I actually know several muslims who prefer to not eat at the same table as others eating pork. Maybe that is why he thought you didn’t eat bacon at home.
Also, there is always turkey bacon! :)
By the way, I think you should take every opportunity to inform the ignorant that muslim women in the US (at least most) choose whether to wear a head covering and are not forced to by their spouse/family. It is a common misconception and if more people talked about it there might be more tolerance.
Yes! At first, I was horrified by the whole conversation. But the truth is that you can take ignorant comments and turn them around. People don’t know what they don’t know. Pre 9/11 a prosecutor mentioned that was Muslim (it came up because the defendant in the case was Muslim). I was surprised as his name was about as generic and Western as John Smith although he has a dark complexion. I was curious to learn more about his background but did not ask because I did not want to be offensive. I had gone to school with a number of Muslims in college in South Florida but they were very traditional in their belief and dress unlike this man.
I don’t recommend talking to the minister/partner about his religion. He might invite you to his church or give you literature to review, etc. If you don’t accept his invitation, or in the end, don’t adopt his religion, it may not go well for you.
Altogether too risky, too likely to be awkward.
There is a lot of helpful literature out there about the varying religions. When I was younger, I worked hard to find my place and to find a belief system that was intellectually satisfying and offered me comfort. In the end, I realized I am not a believer.
I think the question is whether you want to enlighten people or get them to shut up.
If you want to get them to shut up, you can just answer their question curtly (“No, I don’t eat bacon,” “Actually, I chose this for myself,” “Yes, I can be observant without wearing X”), implying that they are being inappropriate and/or ignorant, and that their question is not worth your time.
If you want them to learn something, though, you probably have to disguise any offense you take. Instead, talk patiently, succinctly, and professionally about what the facts are — of your life, your religion, your marriage, your practices, etc.
In my (Jewish) experience, people are a lot more likely to realize their prejudice/rudeness/ignorance if you choose the second tactic. And they will often apologize more genuinely.
I’m not religious, but am curious and open-minded about religions. I couldn’t care less what religion anyone is as long as they are tolerant of others and don’t impose their beliefs on me.
That said…I’m sure I’ve offended some Jewish colleagues in the past because I’ve openly asked why they observe one religious holiday and not another or leave by sundown on Friday, but will work in some situations. Basically, I have asked about behavior that seems inconsistent. And I have asked about holidays that no one else seems to observe but all of a sudden its of utmost importance to someone (and happens to throw of briefing dates for something that is due). I ask because I am curious, but also because as a non-religious, single, no-kids person, I’ve got no excuses to say I can’t do something and I get sick of the litany of excuses from others. If someone’s religion puts me in a bind, then it is my business and I feel I can ask questions.
I’m sure I’ll get some heat for this. My point is, if you are going to be offended about questions about your religion, then don’t make your religion part of your public/work life. Keep it private. It sounds to me like you injected religion into a conversation that wasn’t about religion and then got offended when someone made assumptions about your religion. I seriously doubt any conversation about bacon really required active participation.
In the conversation the OP described, it sounds like the partner implied that Muslim wives are subservient to their husbands (are halal in their presence, can be forced to cover their hair). It wasn’t just innocent, or even curious, questions. It was basically assertions about a couple’s lifestyle that were totally inappropriate.
To put it differently, it sounds like your questions are about inconsistencies in practice, based on what you’ve observed, whereas the partner’s were about whether the OP’s husband controls her, based on his assumptions about Muslims.
And re: your questions, I would say that people pick and choose what and how to observe, especially in Judaism, which has so much ritual and so many limitations. I certainly practice in a way that probably looks inconsistent to anyone not inside my head, but it works for me. (And I wouldn’t be offended if you asked why I did X and not Y, so long as I didn’t feel like you were accusing me of hypocrisy.)
What if I asked you, for example, why opposing counsel would all of a sudden declare the importance of Sukkot, but previously had no problem filing something on another Jewish holiday. And I implied s/he was being disingenuous about his/her observance. Would that offend you? I certainly am offended if I think someone is using their religion to play litigation games. And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it done, but you can’t call someone out on it.
If I agreed that opposing counsel was using religion as an excuse to avoid a deadline, I wouldn’t be offended. (And if it were that he met his Sukkot deadline but didn’t want to go to court on Yom Kippur, I would probably explain that a lot of Jews who observe only some holidays but not all would prioritize Yom Kippur over Sukkot.)
But if you said, opposing counsel is probably billing at such high rates so he can afford his wife’s Bloomingdale’s account and his daughter’s nose job, then I would be offended. And those kinds of comments seem to be as presumptuous and inappropriate as assumptions about male domination in Islam, or whatever OP’s poster was intending to imply.
Anon – This makes sense except that work life in America is built around Christian holidays and worshiping rituals. For people who are in the minority, it may seem like they’re leaving early or shirking work (and they very well may be based on how you described their behavior) but for many they may just be working hours in accordance with their religious schedule. We have rooms at work for people to pray in during the day because there’s an international crowd and multiple religions.
I’ve been torn before between missing big work meetings and going to synagogue for the high holy days and am sad to say I didn’t want to take the hit to my career. Since there were a number of Jews in my group at the time (and Israelis), it looked quite bad for management to set up a global meeting during that time anyway and it’s been scheduled to not fall during the high holy days going forward.
I agree that people recognize Christmas in the workplace, but what other “Christian holidays” are recognized? Easter falls on a Sunday. Certain orthodox religions are really serious about Good Friday, but that is a work day. I’ve heard this claim before, but, with the exception of Christmas (which has become a fairly secular holiday in the US), I’m not sure that is accurate.
Good Friday is a state holiday in my state, Anon!
Really? Weird. I’ve lived in (I think) 4 states and never had it as a state holiday. And I’ve certainly had plenty of professional deadlines fall on Good Friday leaving me in the office til 9 or 10pm wrapping things up.
Good Friday is also a holiday in my state. When I worked in the ACLU we discussed this vigorously, but in the end, it was decided that State employees would be extremely unhappy to lose a three day week-end.
Good Friday is not a bank holiday or a Federal holiday, although the Stock Market does close. I’ve noticed that the states/municipalities that have it as a holiday are either on the east coast or in the Midwest/Chicago – places that historically had high Catholic or Orthodox Christian populations.
We have Good Friday off and it’s odd because no one else really has it off (I’m in Texas). Christmas is a big to-do at my company – decorations, trees, lots of volunteer opportunities, food drives, etc. I usually don’t take time off around Christmas time but find that work definitely slides among people who celebrate even when they’re technically not on vacation yet. No one complains because they’re in the majority and neither do I because it’s actually a great time to catch up before the end of the year. And I do like the decorations.
And Christians go to church on Sunday – it’s already the weekend. Services start on Friday at 6:15 where I live – that means I leave work at 4:30, go home to change and freshen up, and then leave for services. I don’t go every week, but I try to go once a month. I don’t feel like I have to explain this to my coworkers.
I don’t know if it is just an issue of having certain holidays, like Good Friday, off as much as it is an issue of NOT having certain times off, like around the High Holidays for Jews. Growing up, I remember always being excited when Passover fell around Easter or Hannukah fell around Christmas because it made travel/planning around school or work much easier (and yes, Hannukah is not as important of a religious holiday, but as a kid it was a big deal).
Yes, I think this is exactly the question I’m struggling with. My attitude thus far has been to enlighten as much as possible, because people are generally asking, as Blonde Lawyer said, in good faith and with real, nonoffensive interest. And certainly more enlightenment is important in this day and age! But I’m beginning to worry I’m the “Muslim associate” instead of just “the smart/competent associate” because I am willing to talk about it. Or maybe I don’t realize it and I’m going to become “that associate who shares too much.” :)
Anyway, I wonder if this begins to look unprofessional because it pushes my religion out there in a way that it need not be.
My guess is you’re the associate who shares too much. As an associate, I was extremely private about most aspects of my life, opening up only as I got more established. And this was at a very open firm. Doesn’t matter what your “thing” is — if you share before you prove you can do the work, you become the “Muslim associate”, “Associate obsessed with her husband”, “Associate who dates around too much”, “Associate who always has to miss work to take care of her sick kids”. Whatever. You want to be “the Associate who does good work”. After that, you can add aspects of your life into the mix.
I am Muslim as well. I sympathize with the challenges in gaining acceptance and understanding. Most people don’t know a lot about Islam and what they know is often inaccurate but they mean well. Let’s face it, there are times when people will say and do things that will seem insensitive, hurtful, ignorant or outright inappropriate. The first things I would say is, for your own sake, you have to have a thick skin. This was some of the best advice I ever got. This is NOT to say give a pass to people who are speaking or behaving inappropriately. The questions were somewhat inappropriate, but I would suggest not really letting the conversation get that far and correcting the embedded misconceptions. Then don’t dwell on it except to figure out what you could have done differently. As soon as you started discussing your husband, it was assumed to be fair game. Talk about what you believe firmly and politely only to the extent you feel comfortable; don’t talk about your husband’s views, that may inadvertently have the effect of legitimizing the assumptions being made. I would just say, gently — what does my husband have to do with it? There is a reason religion isn’t really a good topic to discuss at work . Sigh. ( On the bacon issue, LOL, my boss told me I am a better Jew than he is. )
I realized the second I started “defending” my husband that it was the wrong approach. I really like your answer to that.
Here in Europe people get worked up into a fine tizzy about the coverings that Muslim women choose to wear. There is a widespread misconception that men force women to wear coverings. I don’t know if the image of Islam is like that where you are, but best to dispel that particular misconception if you can, since the office is a place where you always need to project assertiveness.
to clarify: misconception that *all* Muslim women who cover are forced to by men.
Hey MM. I definitely feel your confusion. I do cover my head and I haven’t gotten the husband-controlling questions as I’m single (awesome, a new line of questioning I need to be prepared for). Honestly, I think my coworkers were instructed not to question me or to make me feel uncomfortable in any way regarding religion or gender (I’m also one of three female engineers in our group of 40ish engineers).
Sometimes my coworkers do take the opportunity to ask me questions if we go out to lunch and they want to make sure I can eat at a given place. My coworkers think I’m vegetarian, even though there are many Muslim men in the group who could’ve explained halal.
I also go out of my way to be extremely friendly, open and approachable, especially since 9/11 holds A LOT of significance at my workplace (without giving away where I work, I can guarantee it holds more significance here than most companies). I try to throw in random not-preachy explanations of Islam and some of our practices when talking to my coworkers when appropriate (“sorry, can’t go to lunch i’m fasting, nope, sure I could join you and not eat but what’s the fun in that, can’t even drink water, you know, it’s fasting, yep, well, the point is to feel hungry and thirsty, etc”).
I *rarely* talk about religion in the office and sometimes it does make me feel uncomfortable to talk about it but I’d rather people hear about Islam from me than the media or Islamophobes. Sometimes the questions I get do bewilder me but I try not to take it personally. People are genuinely curious. Whenever someone does ask me a questions, sometimes apologetically, I let them know that I’m happy they feel comfortable enough to ask me. The questions about why some Muslims practice a certain way but not others are always uncomfortable but I try to stress that each religious practice is a personal choice, which is the case with all religions.
And just for kicks and giggles, I have been asked if I shower with the hijab on. Or if my dad could see my hair. Or if I could stop wearing the hijab once I got married. Once, my college friend hyperventilated in the women’s room when she saw my hair while I was fixing my hijab. Being Muslim in today’s times can sometimes be verrrrrry interesting.
I remember being 14 and on an overnight trip with a girl who covered her hair – seeing her take her hijab off in the hotel room when it was just us girls totally weirded me out for the first 30 seconds :)
Small point: You wrote that you said you “can’t” eat bacon, but then when pushed, emphasized that you exercise choice. Not eating bacon is a choice too. I wonder if your were to describe everything as a choice if it might not minimize the perception that others control you.
Bigger observation: I’m sorry you have to do so much explaining. Someone – Nicholas Kristoff? in the NYT recently did an essay about how little Americans know even about their own religious traditions. Unless you encounter hostility, every time you remain patient with peoples’ misconceptions, you are performing public service, IMO. Thank you for taking your faith seriously.
“I *rarely* talk about religion in the office and sometimes it does make me feel uncomfortable to talk about it but I’d rather people hear about Islam from me than the media or Islamophobes.”
Or from Islamists, who get way too much airtime. That is my concern. I’m afraid if I don’t answer questions, they’ll get them from another (unattractive) horse’s mouth.
Concurred. It does worry me to think that I’m the “Muslim girl” at the office but at the end of the day, I’m Muslim and people have questions. As long as nothing gets in the way of my performing and excelling in my job function without hurting others, I’m going to just keep on keepin’ on.
If you use Facebook there is a great group I have been following called “Americans against Islamaphobia.”
Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. It is an interesting question to me as to whether to share or shut down religious questions, and I’m really interested to hear responses.
But as to a couple points above: It is probably the case that I did not have to mention that I can’t eat pork to respond to the partner’s comment to me (though I don’t remember the exact phrasing; it was a natural response in any case). But to say that acknowledging or mentioning my religion “makes questions into my religion and life fair game” is just not true. If my Catholic colleagues responded to a lunch invitation with “I’m fasting for Good Friday,” I don’t think it would be fair to then start asking them all sorts of questions about their views on the pope and child abuse scandals and their practice of BC. And isn’t that the equivalent?
Or, frankly, to ask them any questions at all about Catholicism. The mention of one’s religion is rarely considered an invitation to an all-out conversation about religion. Except, with Islam, it does often become a conversation. So then I have to decide whether and how to have that conversation. I don’t think that avoiding any intimation that I am Muslim is the answer.
I’m pretty sure most Catholics have been involved in those convos about the Pope, etc — I have and I’m not Catholic, but I went to a Catholic college, so many people assume I’m Catholic and I’m treated as Catholic sometimes when people hear my college. And that is just mentioning my college — not mentioning observing a religion.
I’m vegetarian and when I mention that I get loads of WAY personal questions including whether I’d date someone who ate meat (how is that appropriate at work? all you need to know at work is that I won’t eat a turkey sandwich). When I mentioned spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend, a client asked when we would get married. Assume that all personal anecdotes will lead to questions that may or may not be comfortable for you. And its not just you because you’re Muslim. Its because people are nosy and bored with their own lives.
I’m Catholic and believe me, I get that type of question all the time once someone knows I’m a serious, practicing Catholic who fasts and whatnot and not a cafeteria Catholic who’ll join in making fun of the Pope.
I think a lot of people really just don’t understand religion generally, and many of them are seeking something in their lives and ask questions because they want to understand how and why we believe in our faiths. So I try to respond straightforwardly but charitably, assuming that the questioner/commenter had the best intentions. After all, if you snap back at them, they’ll probably extrapolate from it that all Muslims are rude or don’t like to talk about their dietary restrictions. Better to just take the question at face value and respond kindly.
It’s obviously always best to respond kindly when possible, but I don’t think it is MM’s or anyone else’s job to worry what the uninformed will extrapolate about an entire religious or ethnic group based on her individual behavior. What an incredible burden, and really, if you’re dealing with someone who sees you as a representative for all Muslims, you’re shadowboxing anyway.
I agree with 6:12 Anon that people are just plain nosey — I am also Catholic, just ended a long relationship with a Mormon, and get quite a lot of prying/absurd questions — but I think in recent years, Muslim-Americans have had to deal with something above and beyond what we all do. People seem to think that a moderate Muslim would welcome the opportunity to clarify their beliefs, but I suspect that after almost a decade of this, it would be nice to just go to a work function and eat or fast in peace. It isn’t MM’s job to have to go through this patient explanation every time someone asks, which I suspect is more than most of us non-Muslims can imagine.
It must be difficult for the burden of explaining Islam and its practices (as if they were monolithic!) to fall to you so often, but I encourage you to continue to do so whenever you sense the questions are well-intentioned. So many people I interact with are surprised to hear about my non-Muslim relatives living in the middle east that I can only imagine the misconceptions you are presented with on a daily basis. All I can say is, it probably does open minds and dispel myths when colleagues and casual acquaintances learn that someone “Western” who they think highly of also follows a religion they are not familiar with.
Skin question: I am 32 and blessed with very good skin. (Thanks, Mom!) I wear sunscreen all the time and don’t have any fine lines (yet). I don’t wear makeup on a daily basis. When I go out, I usually wear mascara, light eyeshadow and lipgloss/lipstick. My cleaning regimen is wash with water (really!) and use a drugstore-brand moisturizer.
Over the past year or so, I’ve noticed my skin aging–naturally, nothing out of the ordinary: larger pores, un-eveness, etc. Stuff that we all deal with as we get older. I look young (my roundish face doesn’t help matters) but my skin definitely looks 32!
Any product recommendations for this EXTREMELY low-maintenance gal? Skin products and makeup, too. I think I probably need to add foundation to my “going out” makeup but I need to learn how to put it on first!
TIA.
Personally I like the mineral/powder foundations. They are very light, go on with a brush, and even out my skin tone. I have very fair skin and am in my 40’s. I usually wear a light dusting of bare escentials type powder, blush and mascara. I do have fine lines and the powder doesn’t accentuate them, where liquid foundation generally would.
Since you’re low maintenance, consider a mineral makeup rather than foundation? Try the Bare Escentuals basic set. You just use a brush and buff some skin-toned powder on your face, and it evens out your complexion.
Depending on your mood, some days you can do more (add a buff of blush on your cheeks, put on some primer before the powder, or add the mineral veil after to set it). But the basic buff and go works, and you can’t really mess it up much (speaking from my perspective here, also low maintenance).
Tinted moisturizer would be perfect for you. It can cover like foundation, but you don’t have to wash it off later. It’s very light. I bought some Cover Girl brand at the drugstore, and it has SPF, too.
Second the tinted moisturizer. I don’t really like mineral foundation and I love makeup. It feels too heavy to me. Between that and under eye concealer, you should be fine. add some mascara and maybe an all in one color stick — tarte has some that double as blush, lip color and eye color. or use benetint on cheeks and lips. Nars also has some all in one color sticks, but they are more makeup-y.
As for skincare, its hard to say what you need without more information. If I were you, I’d try the makeup counter staffed by the person who looks most natural. Tell her you are very low maintenance and see what she recommends. If it seems like too many products, say that. I’d say that you might want a cleanser, a moisturizer without color, and an eye moisturizer. I have a whole lot more steps, but I could get by with those.
I wasn’t wearing much makeup at all before I hit 29, but that was where I started seeing my skin aging, just as you describe. I added tinted moisturizer, too. And it has been wonderful: easy to put on without messing anything up and providing just the right amount of coverage. The downside is that I think once I add it, I need blush because my skin is “too even.” So it has added two steps to my routine instead of just one.
if you’re going to go with a mineral makeup (which i would recommend), i’d avoid bare escentuals and find a place that sells glo minerals. i’ve always had kind of acne-prone skin, but when i caught mono recently, i REALLY broke out. my best friend is an aesthetician and told me to toss my bare minerals and go buy that. it has made a HUGE difference. it’s prescription-grade minerals and can actually improve your skin.
I disagree – the best mineral makeup is online from e-tailers. The stuff that’s sold commercially has a lot of potentially aggravating ingredients. GloMinerals also has bismuth, which is the ingredient in Bare Minerals that makes people itch!
Oh, thank you SO much. I had no idea where to start and this definitely gives me some ideas. Tinted moisturizer? No clue, I tell you!
I like caudalie brand tinted moisturizer — you can get cheaper ones, but caudalie really makes everyone look more vibrant and well-rested. And it is very light feeling.
I recommend The Supernatural by Philosophy. It’s a tinted moisturizer with SPF; it blends great and takes, oh, about 30 seconds to put on in the morning.
how do you apply the tinted moisturizer? i keep going between with a sponge because it’s makeup or with my fingers because it’s moisturizer. which is probably why i haven’t started using it yet…
I put it on with my fingers. I am 37 and, like the OP, have been blessed with pretty good skin. I use Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. In terms of skincare, I’ve tried lots of different things, but I really like the Paula’s Choice skin care line. It’s pretty cheap and straightforward, and she has a couple of “packages” that contain everything you need for both AM and PM skincare routines.
I use my fingers for all cosmetics. A makeup counter person told me to do that once – you can blend better. (I’m not sure if that’s actually true for other things, but it works fine for tinted moisturizer.)
Not that you need another option, but here’s a plug for Bobbi Brown. All of her makeup is designed for a natural look, and her makeup saleswomen at department cosmetic stores really understand low maitenence — they won’t pressure you to try anything too complicated/expensive. Her tinted moisturizer has an spf of 15 and comes in many shades to match your skin town. Love love love Bobbi B!
Chiming in super-late, I know, but if you have come back to read this I strongly recommend YSL’s Teint Parfait.
It is less of a tinted moisturizer (most of them make me far too shiny, and I end up dragging out powder as well) than a skin evener. It claims to give your face a faint glow but that doesn’t happen for me — instead it evens out my pores and my freckles in a very subtle way.
FWIW, I am 27, and have gotten into the game early because I have inherited my mom’s dark circles, for which this also helps in a discreet way. I have gotten a ton of comments about how “well-rested” I look recently!
I use Almay Smart Shade makeup or Neutrogena mineral powder. Both are very light coverage and don’t really add much time to my morning. The Neutrogena comes with a pad that has two sides that offer differing levels of coverage. The Smart Shade acts more like tinted moisturizer, but I find that it matches my skin better since I’m normally in between two shades.
So, on The Good Wife this week, a judge actually told the main character, a female attorney, that she couldn’t wear pants suits in his court and must wear a skirt suit. I’ve certainly heard about judges who prefer skirt suits (which I find absurd!) but can a judge actually require you to wear one? Could he hold you in contempt for refusing?
Has anyone had a judge talk about their pants suit in open court?
I don’t watch the show, but this episode was talked about in a different post as well, you might want to check this weeks posts.
I don’t know exactly why, but judges can require pretty much anything they want. There was an article recently about a judge who required all people in the courtroom to use official courtroom travel mugs for their beverages instead being able to bring their own.
I’ve never been in court, so I can’t answer your question. But can I just say that I *love* this show?
Well I can say I’ve definitely seen judges send individuals outside because they were inappropriately dressed (think jeans about 4 sizes too big, hanging around a person’s butt). I’ve also known a judge who made it very clear that attorneys presenting in his courtroom had better be wearing jackets.
So, yes I suppose a judge could require women to wear skirts in his/her court. For the sake of one’s client and case, it’s generally not woth fighting. But, truthfully, these types of judges are few and far between.
Who are these attorneys who don’t wear jackets to court? This blows my mind.
Mind-blowingly enough, I have seen this. Only from women, but only during non-jury appearances (docket, hearings, etc). Generally speaking, I think if the gentlemen are expected to be in a full suit, the ladies should be too.
I clerked at a trial court, and saw women without jackets (sometimes with sleeveless tops even) all the time. (This was always for non-jury appearances, but we didn’t work with juries all that much (it was Chancery Court) and I actually never saw a female attorney in a jury trial- sad but true.)
It frustrates the heck out of me, personally. I agree with JessC- if the men are going to be in suits, the women should be, too. Hey, at least we don’t have to wear ties!
I was in court when a federal district judge told a woman lawyer that he didn’t think pantsuits on a female were appropriate attire for the courtroom. She did not acknowledge his comment except to say something like “I appreciate that your honor,” and in the following months she continued to wear pantsuits in his court. I agreed fully with her actions. That said, I always wear only skirt suits to court — just personal preference, not a political statement either way.
OTOH, that same judge reprimanded me for call him Judge as opposed to Your Honor. I said, “Sorry, Judge.” Everyone in the courtroom laughed, and he did not press it. Fortunately, he was an interim appointment and did not make the Article III cut. What really annoys me is that most of these judges think we stand for them when they enter the courtroom, and not for the office or for respect for the judicial system as a whole.
It happened in a King County (Seattle) courtroom in 1999. The judge was very consertative (in all area, including politics I believe). http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20060906&slug=chambers06m I don’t know if she’s still on the bench but that wasn’t (really) that long ago.
Right before starting a long jury trial, I once had a judge explicitly tell everyone (it was a case with about 10 parties) that he wanted the men in suits and ties and the women in skirts with hose every day out of respect for the jury. The women may not have liked it, but we all did it. As another judge in my jurisdiction was fond of saying: “Counsel this is my courtroom and in my courtroom I am always right. “
During the H1N1 scare, a judge I used to clerk for made the attorneys wear medical face masks for conferences in his chambers. It would make the attorneys’ eyeglasses fog up as they spoke. The judge would charge the attorneys $2 for a mask he provided if they did not bring their own. The judge would not wear one, but would make everyone else wear one.
A federal judge in my district, a woman no less, has her case coordinator tell you if you show up in pants that the judge expects skirts. It happened to me, sveral months ago, when I showed up for a pretrial conference in a very nice, conservative panstuit. Oh, and I was obviously pregnant at the time. And so had to go buy maternity skirt suits for my trial. Ugh.
Some of these stories are really shocking. I can’t believe that this is legal let alone acceptable behavior for a judge…
You can’t wear a jacket with 3/4 length sleeves at the US Supreme Court.
Sleeve length is a formality issue. 3/4 length sleeves are unequivocally less formal than full length sleeves. Skirt suits are really no longer considered more formal than pant suits. They just show more leg.
Which makes me wonder what those with religious dress restrictions do in this situation? Anyone have experience with that?
So, threadjack/fashion query – I just bought a gorgeous Ann Taylor jacket on consignment (new with tags, $10, fits beautifully) … but it’s white. Winter white, I think – kind of creamy. Lined, heavy fabric, clearly not summer wear. Am I right that I can wear it (say, with tweed pants or a pinstripe pencil skirt) in the fall/winter? Any looks to avoid?
What you suggest sounds wonderful to me :) Just make sure to try on the outfit before hand in good light to make sure that the colors go well together.
Yes, please wear it! It will be fabulous! I don’t personally like winter white with black or navy, but love it with browns, olives, royal tones, camel, etc.
2nd this! I LOVE winter white with camel. For casual days at work or on the weekend, I love winter white with camel and a leopard accent — belt, shoes, bag or scarf . . .
Original Anon with the jacket here. :)
Oooh, camel. And ok, with the no black! And I have a leopard print dress, actually, although maybe not for work.
This is helpful. Thanks!
Looking for a recommendation on sheets that are soft and most important: do not come out of the dryer in wrinkled mess!
I’ve had luck with higher thread-count sheets. Try 500-count cotton. And take them out of the dryer while they’re still warm. Voila – no wrinkles.
I’ve bought a couple sets of decently priced high count sheet sets on smartbargains.com
I love love love the “Renaissance Collection” sheets that Amazon sells (do a search for that on the website, they have a striped and a plain set). I have 3 sets and bought the first as far back as 3 years ago. They’ve held up excellently (even after successive bleaching). If you take them right out of the dryer (and you don’t overstuff your dryer) you won’t have any wrinkles. They’re also very soft and feel great to the touch.
I like the college marketed “jersey sheets” that feel like cotton t-shirts.
Honestly? To avoid wrinkling, get a polyester blend. I have a really nice mid-priced set from JC Penney.
I love the “Hotel Collection” sheets they have at Bed Bath & Beyond. They’re BBB’s own line and 500- or 600- thread count (at least so they claim). $99 for a king set. They only wrinkle if I leave them in the dryer for an hour by accident.
LOVE these. I have 3 sets, and they are awesome. The more you wash them, the softer they get.
I like Beech sheets from Bed Bath & Beyond. They are fancy jersey sheets and incredibly soft. Since they are jersey, they don’t need to be ironed.
my problem with the beech sheets – they pill. it started to drive me crazy, and i got rid of all of them and moved back to cotton sheets.
Today in San Francisco – black tights with many black shoes and boots, many skirts, all of the skirts are knee length or shorter. The two best looks I spotted – oyster trench with wide leg black pants, neckline wrapped round and round with a scarf (best casual look); black pencil skirt with black tights and heels, and a black and gray tweed jacket worn with a brooch (best dressy look). I looked for color all day but did not see any. Shopped Banana Republic and saw wonderful quality and very good prices.
I’m in SF too — have been seeing tons of flat knee-high boots. I love them, so I think it’s time for me to get my own pair!
I like the sound of all the looks you describe. Didn’t see anything that tempted me in BR yesterday, though, I have to say.
I’m a second year lawyer, started Sept. 2009 at a mid-sized firm in a mid-sized market. I currently make $75k plus bonus. In December I am going to have some kind of a review where my salary for next year will be discussed. Any input on what I should be shooting for? How much do salaries go up from just hired as a first year to solid into second year?
How much should I try to negotiate here? Any input is appreciated! PS: I’m not sure if my firm is lockstep. When I was hired I was told “we pay first years this amount.” I had success negotiated other benefits and did not try to negotiate my starting/first year salary.
Would it be improper for me to ask an older associate I am close with whether we are lockstep or if I should plan on negotiating? I run the risk that he doesn’t know or is wrong too.
As counsel (and a senior associate several years prior) in a mid-sized law firm, I can tell you I wouldn’t have any problem with a more junior person asking me whether the firm’s compensation structure for associates is lockstep or not. If it is, you should know that; it will make your negotiation that much easier.
Over the years I have noticed I grew up saying certain things that I had no idea could actually be offensive. Mostly I didn’t know the true meaning of the phrase. I’m wondering if you all want to share your “oops, I shouldn’t say that” things so that we can teach each other before we embarrass ourselves.
1.) From the Halloween post, I never knew gypsy was an offensive term.
2.) My mom used to say “cotton picking nose” referring to one of our pets getting into trouble. I thought it meant being nosy, being where one didn’t belong. I told my dog once “get your cotton picking nose out of my dinner.” My kind friend made me stop and reflect on what that could really mean and only then did I realize it had such awful racist roots. My (and my non-racist family’s bad.)
3.) My Aunt use to say things like “the kids ate all the candy like a bunch of starving Armenians.” At the time, I probably didn’t even know Armenia was a country! I probably thought it was an animal or something. I think I told my teacher one day I was a starving Armenian and she told me what it really meant and why I shouldn’t say it.
4.) “Jump my bones.” I thought it meant to steal. I had a stuffed dog that said “don’t jump my bones.” As an adult I learned that can have sexual meaning.
Yours?
I recently had the realization that “getting gypped” as in being screwed was a slur related to gypsies. I honestly never made the connection until I had to spell the word. I always thought it was jipped. :0)
My assistant recently said she “jewed it up,” meaning got a good deal or bargained for a lower price. I was astonished that this was a common phrase for her and I seriously doubt she has ever thought about what it really means.
Just thought of this one… Did you know that “eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by his toe” wasn’t originally about tigers? Replace the “t” with an “n” and throw another “g” in there and it paints a pretty different picture. Those who are old enough to remember the original version are often offended by the rhyme… for good reason.
OH that also reminds me – the chocolate sprinkles on ice cream are often referred to as “Jimmies.” Apparently the term came from the Jim Crow laws or something and it can be offensive. I always try to say sprinkles now.
I actually don’t think this last one is true. Sprinkles are really only ever referred to as jimmies in/around the Boston area, and given that MA was more progressive than most states regarding race relations, I think this is myth.
My comment either got lost or stuck in moderations, but Massachusetts and Boston had not been one of the most progressive cities, for a while we were referred to as the most racist city. Do a google search for “boston racist” and you’ll see everything that comes up.
Boston is certainly as racist, if not more, than the Deep South. There are prejudices everywhere.
PARTS of Massachusetts are and have been progressive, and parts are not, very not. Its much much better than it used to be, to be sure, but that was not always the case, and there are still pockets of straight bigotry.
Heading back home to Mass in a few weeks…..
I Snopes’ed this one, and didn’t come back with anything conclusive that indicated a racist connotation. As a Massachusetts girl, I have to say I’ve seen a number of people of all colors use the term and found it inoffensive.
http://www.snopes.com/language/offense/jimmies.asp
oh wow i’d never really thought about cotton picking until you said that.
It took me a long time to figure out gypped because, like one of the other posters, I thought it was spelled jipped.
Pork barrel politics:
http://reason.com/blog/2007/04/20/why-pork-barrel-spending-is-ca
I have an embarassing event tomorrow. Somehow, my company’s lead team decided to go surfing. I am part of the group but I have few issues:
1) I don’t know how to surf
2) I am the youngest (20 something) Vs 40 something males and couple 30-40 something females.
3) I have no clue what to wear and still not look like I am on spring break.
I am petite size 4 with small chest, plus I have some acne so I always get mistaken for a teenager.I will obviously wear a wetsuit, but I am very self conscious about having to wear such a tight garment. And definitely worried about what to wear for lunch at the beach restaurant afterwards.
I know the lead team is used to going together for such events, but this is my first time and they never have young women like myself.
Any advice?
Oh, that sounds kind of awful. I’m assuming you’ll have surf instructors? My advice is to just wear the wetsuit with as much dignity as you can muster, and at lunch, wear capris and nice flats, and a blouse or nicer t-shirt that is casual but a step up from regular Saturday clothes.
Let everyone know right off the bat that you don’t know how to surf. Ask if someone can show you how to paddle (that’s where you lay face down on the board and move your arms to get around out there). You can sit on the board while waiting for waves. It’s difficult to learn how to stand up and not everyone gets it on the first day. If you are not having fun or are getting frustrated, just paddle around or take a break on the shore.
Also, I would be surprised if everyone in the office knows how to surf. I bet some people are just going to bring beach chairs and watch the waves. It’s a great chance to chat with your coworkers.
Wear a bathing suit that you’ve worn in the ocean before. I say this because I’ve had a few “mishaps” when trying out a new bikini. Double knot any ties. If you are uncomfortable with your body, there are tons of coverups you can wear- tshirts, dresses, floaty scarves, rash guards, board shorts, heck, even an old cotton buttonup with the sleeves rolled up.
If you have longer hair- I suggest braiding it somehow. A low single braid in the back or a French braid will do. This will keep your hair from tangling while you are in the water. Let it dry, undo the braid, and voila- gorgeous beach hair by the time you get to the restaurant. If you can’t or don’t want to braid, bring a brush or wide-toothed comb and maybe some detangling/conditioning spray.
As for body issues, I grew up near the beach and obsessed about my small chest for most of high school and some college, until I knocked some sense into myself. The best advice I can give you is to act like it doesn’t bother you and no one else will notice. People can pick up on obvious discomfort, and it will make them uncomfortable. Try to concentrate on having fun and having conversation instead of your “flaws.” There are all shapes and sizes at the beach- women who have had kids and their bodies change, people who have scars, etc. Just remember, you are there to relax and bond with co-workers.
Good luck (and good waves)!
If you don’t want to wear a wetsuit maybe consider wearing one of those rash tops (like under armour) and baggier board shorts (just avoid hibiscus patterns).
The top will be tight like a wetsuit, but the board shorts will balance it out, and as long as the pattern and length are appropriate they shouldn’t add to you looking young hopefully.
Second the advice about lunch wear, definitely avoid sandals/flip-flops.
Mostly, enjoy yourself. Surfing is supposed to be a great thing to learn, and while I’ve never gone on company trips like that as long as you don’t wear a string bikini I don’t think you’ll get overly judged for your wetsuit/shorts.
. . . Hey, what’s wrong with hibiscus patterns?
It’s finally the Sephora Friends & Family Sale!!! 30% off with code FF2010. Anyone made an order? I’m itching to make another one, but can’t decide what I must have.
I recently got the Dr. Brandt Pores No More $45 set they have, to try everything out, and I am in.love. with this skincare! It really does help pores look less noticeable. Also, I took advantage of a sale a few months ago and got new hairbrushes from Sephora – they are great, very durable and easy to clean, and work well. Happy shopping!
pores no more is absolutely fantastic. one of the smoothest primers i’ve found, but for a modest $45…
I am looking for a Halloween Costume. My husband and I are thinking about a Mad Men theme. Does anybody know of a good website with some affordable 50s style dresses. I don’t want to resort to a Halloween store where they will look cheap. Maybe I could be lucky enough to find a dress that I could actually wear again!!
Your best bet is probably your local vintage/thrift store. Or, even better, raid the attic if you have any relatives or friends of a certain age that might have some clothes lying around.
I’ve heard (I think on this website) that there’s an artist on etsy.com who does Joan and Peggy replica dresses.
Hit up a vintage store in your area – not a thrift store, but a store that has culled the best finds from estate sales, conventions, etc. You’ll pay more than at a thrift store, but your chances of finding an amazing dress or ensemble are much higher. Sizing and fit are so variable with vintage dresses that it always is beneficial to shop in person. eBay also has a lot of vintage dresses, and many sellers list the measurements of the dresses so you can get an idea of how they may fit.
Target had a lot of 50s/60s style dresses last time I went. But that was a month ago, so they may or may not still be there.
Modcloth.com has a lot of options if you’re willing to shell out for “real clothing” prices. One note on this site: the sizing definitely leans more toward Juniors, so be sure to size up!
To all of the in-house counsel corporettes:
How do salary negotiations work at your company? I’m in my first year as in-house counsel and I know that salary is discussed as a part of our review. I want to be prepared, and also realistic in my expectations. How negotiable have you found raises to be, what are some good strategies, etc? I’m the most junior team member and do not know what anyone else makes (except our general counsel since we are publicly traded, but that doesn’t really help me figure out what I should ask for! :) ).
At companies where I’ve worked, it’s all written out in a policy. X% of your salary is bonus and it’s based on a formula: how the company does overall (EBIDTA, etc) plus your individual contributions. Usually you have a “project(s),” i.e., MIP (management incentive plan) that’s your “extra credit” for bonus purposes. It could be a list of long-term projects you and your manager come up with to help you shine– draft authority matrix for B.U. and implement it with finance, create patent incentive program for engineers, develop RFP requirements for outside counsel, etc etc. Is your company more organic about raises (meaning go in and negotiate for every nickle each year)? If so, I find that very old school….
No written policy (at least not for attorneys) – pay is reviewed each year.
Hmm. I’d check for in-house salary surveys. ACCA (Ass’n of Corporate Counsel) and their various regional affiliates often commission salary studies for their members. I looked at one for WMACCA (Washington Metro Area Corp Counsel Ass’n) done by Hildebrandt International, and it knocked my socks off– average & median base salaries, cash bonuses, total compensation, all segmented by type of corp counsel (M&A, business contracts, gov’t contracts, IP, litigation) and title (corp counsel, sr counsel, AGC, Deputy GC, GC, CLO). See if you can get your hands on something similar. And of course, do informal due diligence and ask friends/colleagues outside your company what they’re getting and what they think is market. Good luck!
In my experience, unless you are being promoted, you will likely get 2-3% increase, or whatever the standard corporate office annual compensation increase. Generally, salary negotiations happen when you are coming in the door…..
If you have the opportunity, my recommendation would be to look at your last year works from a business perspective, ie..what have you done/worked on that drives cost savings or income to the bottom line? I’d build your case for the raise, and then do some digging to find out what is customary and ask for a little more!
Good point, @divalicious. Significant raises generally don’t happen often for in-house lawyers. Usually a raise accompanies a promotion/title change. But Law Departments are usually pretty flat, people stay forever (Big Law has left us scarred), so a promo/raise is tough. The big issue then becomes bonus. I’d focus on that. Bonuses can be 25-50% of salary, depending on the company….
Thanks Lawgirl and divalicious. Any suggestions for how to approach this conversation? I did not ask a lot of questions of my recruiter when I accepted the position (the salary was a bit lower than I’d hoped but still acceptable, particularly as the job was a really awesome fit for me/my skillset for many reasons) and she did say that bonuses and raises are “generous” but I never inquired as to numbers. I probably should have talked to my corporettes then so that I could have gotten more details!
I do think I contribute a lot and work very hard, so I’d like to present my case effectively without seeming money grubbing or entitled (I know it is a terrible market and am grateful every day to have a job).
Oh, and if it helps (either with your advice or to explain why I’m a bit clueless in general as to in-house negotiating/salaries/raises) – I’m the youngest member of our in-house team by a good bit, and I was hired only 3 years out of law school (our GC typically requires more experience but they made an exception for me because my background otherwise fit what they needed perfectly).
Need quick corporette advice–
So, a close family member of mine was fired from her hourly wage job in the airline industry last month, as a result of the “points system” building up against her- with the last one having to do with a complaint from a traveler saying she was “rude.”
Now, I am obviously biased, but I’ve seen her work past her hours (I’m talking 4-5 hours past her shift) and skip meals when there were extra passengers to be cared for due to flight delays and cancellations, and she’s really focused on finding solutions for each passenger. In my mind, the complaint was probably a result of a situation where she was being tired but honest and the passenger was stressed and unhappy. I obviously could be wrong. However, she’s been repeatedly selected for specialized training, including sending her to another city for special security training as recently as the end of August, and most of her supervisors and co-workers enjoy working with her.
Now, she had repeatedly confided in me her troubles with one supervisor who didn’t get along with her for whatever reason, and that she was going to lose her job because of it. I was also within earshot of a snide comment this supervisor made while I was on “hold” on the phone once. This supervisor ended up terminating her, and I’m positive that the others would not have taken this step.
My relative has appealed to the company, and they just told her that she has a meeting this week, and are expecting a presentation. She’s not experienced in making presentations and is unsure how to approach the meeting.
While there is backup for her termination (the points system), I think there’s substance in the fact that she’s been selected for specialized training numerous times, and even recently (why would the company be investing if she was a bad employee?), as well as her long hours. Also, that the nature of the complaint from a passenger should be looked into, as I worked in service several years myself and know that some people are just miserable.
But, I have no experience in making employment appeals… any advice??
You didn’t say if you were an attorney. My advice to you would be to refer her to an employement attorney and under no circumstances seek to represent her yourself. If you think she has a case and could use assistance at her hearing, find her a lawyer through NELA or a similar organization, but don’t strain your family ties by trying to assist her yourself. You can help by providing deposition training somewhere down the road, if it comes to that.
Employment attorneys (like divorce attorneys) always end up despised by their clients, because their clients can never be restored to the place they were before the firing. Employment litigation is long, expensive, demoralizing, and intrusive, and may not result in any kind of relief. You don’t want to be blamed for this over Thanksgiving dinner.
Is she represented by a union? She may have the right to be represented by a union representative during the meeting.
I agree with LK that you should limit your help to moral support, not legal advice.
Thanks for the advice– no, I’m not an attorney. Nor will she be seeking one– as you said, they’re expensive and provide little relief. She’s just not in the economic situation to have one. I will not be physically representing her (I live rather far away, despite our close relationship). Basically, I don’t think she has a wrongful termination case, because her supervisor waited until she had backup to fire her.
But, I think she feels wronged, and therefore filed an appeal. My position is that if you’re going to do an appeal, and take people’s time, you should at least do it well.
Oy. What’s challenging about this, and I am not a lawyer, but have worked for a union, FWIW, is that often a time machine would be useful. I may also be stating the obvious, so forgive me if that is the case as I dive in.
Documentation, documentation, documentation. I like what you said about the selection for specialized training. Even if the people with whom she is meeting “should have” records of that, she should bring her own documentation of this, as well as any other evidence of positive job performance (e.g., positive notes from customers).
And here’s the time-machine part…Did she make any sorts of formal complaints about the supervisor before this? That could be useful in documenting the personality conflict between them. If not….timelines of incidents with the supervisor, including dates, might be of use. Other documentation of unequal/uneven/unfair treatment….I can’t think of what it would consist of, off the top of my head, but if it exists, she should bring it.
I also don’t know whether your family member is *permitted* to have an attorney present: I took part in termination appeal proceedings at which the employer specifically did not permit the presence of an attorney. There may be formal internal regulations and processes that are currently unknown to you, and possibly unknown to your family member, and sitting down and familiarizing herself with those would actually be my first advice.
Thanks… that was really helpful, and I will pass along the advice.
Southwest only allows one carryon plus one personal item. The carry on will be a suitcase. The personal item will be a laptop case plus a small purse. Oops! Two personal items. What should I do?
Put the purse inside the laptop case.
That’s a requirement on every airline. Figure out now what works for you — I usually put my purse in my carry-on
Put the contents of the purse in the laptop bag and the purse in the suit case.
Can you or anyone recommend a laptop case that holds a purse?
Actually, I have a small suitcase that holds a laptop! It’s a Samsonite, small enough that you should never have to gate-check it, yet with enough room to make it a real suitcase. There’s a laptop compartment in front, and yes, the suitcase has a set of wheels.
I love it– not having to do flight transfers with the burden of a laptop and a million other things hanging off my shoulder.
I think the best bet is to get a wristlet or bigger wallet that you can fit into your laptop case. If I just need the laptop to use in my hotel room, I will put it into my carry-on. Like Ning, mine has a compartment in front that is a perfect fit for the laptop when it is in its sleeve.