This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
If you're a fan of Barefoot Dreams blankets (some of my family's favorites!) then there are a TON of really lovely ones in the upcoming NAS. This “Endless Road” throw blanket might be my favorite of the bunch — it comes in both this dark emerald, as well as a much lighter silver — and both colors will be marked down to $113 during the sale.
(After the sale they'll go back up to $168.)
Another favorite from Bare Necessities: this Southwestern-inspired muted white/gray blanket. If you're looking for something on the more affordable side, this $20 plush is a staple in the NAS and comes in a lovely teal, two grays, navy, and a variety of other muted colors this year.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
NYC hotel search
I’m going to NYC for a milestone birthday trip next month and am looking for a wonderful hotel to stay for a couple of days – any recs? I’m overwhelmed with options! Looking in Manhattan or Brooklyn – I want to stay in a great, walkable neighborhood close to the subway (I’m open to general neighborhood recs too!), a hotel with some character/charm, prefer a hotel bar option of some sort, and some fun amenities? Budget is up to ~$500/night but I’d love to spend less too. Thanks in advance!
Senior Attorney
I haven’t stayed there but a friend swears by the Dream hotel. I stayed at the Ace last time I was there and loved it.
Ellen
I prefer sending my freinds to the Mandarin Oriental. It is right near Columbus Circle, has great views, and a ton of different subway stations right there. Also, it is just 2 blocks from Central Pafrk and Nordstrom’s, which is my favorite place to shop. If you want to go to the MOOMA, that is maybe 7 blocks away, and there is a great exchibit there by Georgia O’Keefe you could see. Also, there is a Museum or 2 on the West Side within walking distance, and Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts — all walking distance. I love the City and the manageing partner says I am it’s best ambassador, even tho I did not grow up here!!!! YAY New York City!!!!!
Moose
I stayed at the Roxy Hotel in Tribeca pre-COVID and really enjoyed it.
Runcible Spoon
The Algonquin Hotel could be charming and special. You might consider reserving a suite there, for the space (and the price might be within your parameters). Congratulations on your milestone birthday!
NYNY
I’ve not stayed there, but I’ve been to the bar at the Bowery hotel and it’s fabulous. The neighborhood is perfect if you’re looking for downtown vibes, right where the east village and Noho meet. Great restaurants and shopping nearby, easy access to several subway lines, easy to get to Brooklyn if you want.
Anne-on
+1 to Noho as a neighborhood if you’re into a cool vibe and more indie shops. I would also HIGHLY recommend looking into one of the cool spas on Govenors Island, spa Castle (Korean spa in Queens) or Aire ancient baths for a unique bday experience!
Anne-on
I was just at the Conrad Hotel (downtown financial district) and I was surprised by how calm and peaceful it was! Nice rooms – it’s a coversion of an old Embassay Suites so it’s an all ‘suites’ hotel (NYC suites, so like ~450 sq ft). The neighborhood felt really fun and vibrant – lots of stores and restaurants right downstairs and there was a really nice breeze off the water (and you can take the ferries back/forth if you want to take some fun photos of NY from the NJ side).
ANON
Go to overstory for a drink
Anon
I stayed in The Ludlow in the East Village and LOVED it. Make sure you get a room with a tub!!!
Anon
+1 to the Ludlow. And I disagree with figure out what you’re doing, a nice hotel is an essential part of the trip and you can get anywhere you need to be easily.
Anonymous
+2 for the Ludlow and a room with a tub. They have a fun bar and restaurant on site, with room service. They also have a rooftop where you can byob. It is super close to tons of restaurants and transportation.
Anon
The Wythe Hotel in Williamsburg is fun if you’re interested in being in Brooklyn. Also the One Hotel in Brooklyn Bridge Park. It’s just so nice to be by the water in New York in the summer…
ANON
bar blondeau is great
Anon
I enjoyed The New Yorker Hotel next to Madison square garden
AIMS
What are your plans for the stay? I would start there. Like, if you want to see a broadway show or Shakespeare in the Park, I wouldn’t stay in Brooklyn. But if you want to try lots of really good restaurants downtown, staying downtown can be fun. Plan your to-do list and work backwards.
Anon
+1
Highlander
This is good advice. If you’re interested in seeing Broadway shows, check out the Andaz on Fifth Avenue, across the street from the Public Library and Bryant Park, but away from Times Square. Friendly bar in the basement, lovely rooms.
Anon
Silly vent ahead. A recruiter/HR person reached out to me via LinkedIn for a role at their company that looks interesting. When I responded with interest they were like “Great – I’ll send you the link apply on Monday!”
Grumble – I was hoping for an informal conversation first to get more information/assess fit, and just feel semi-desired as an employee for 30 seconds.
Anon
I mean, so ask for that conversation then?
I’ve been recruited via LinkedIn (and was offered and accepted the job) and this is how it usually goes. If they are reaching out to you and telling you to apply, they are interested in you. Nothing can happen at my company until someone applies in the system so the recruiter may be following a similar policy/procedure.
Anon
Good instincts…I cannot tell you how many times recruiters have put me in their ‘queue’ as prequalified candidate without speaking to me….and before I even apply. Not OK. You are probably a very strong candidate in a tight labor market and instead of working to earn your interest and trust, they tell their hiring managers you are a qualified candidate. This may not be a recruiter you want to work with.
Anonymous
I would ask to speak with the recruiter before applying. I don’t apply to jobs unless I know there is at least some potential for a good fit.
anon
Use your words. Ask for a conversation.
Anonymous
“Great, thanks for the link! I have some things I’d like to go over with you before I apply…” and start the conversation you want to have.
Anon
It is amazing how many people on here have no idea what internal recruiters actually do or what their job is. Their job is to get eyeballs on the opening and applications to the hiring manager and then to close the deal with the chosen candidate. Their job is not to chat you up, make you feel good or have real information about the position. Don’t waste your time trying to talk to get a “conversation” with the recruiter, get the link and apply for the job if it sounds interesting and is a move you might want to make. Then you talk to the hiring manager and anyone else you meet in the process about the things you want to know.
Anonymous
Sorry, but I’m not applying to any position that I don’t even have a full description or salary range for or where I know nothing about the company! If you don’t have 15 minutes to give me basic info, I don’t have 2 hours to fill out your ridiculously detailed application and then have an algorithm screen me out. And my field is small enough that any application is a risk. I don’t want my employer finding out I am applying for another job if it’s a total dead end.
Anon
Then don’t apply, but don’t expect a recruiter to cater to your desires.
Anonymous
I don’t think providing basic information to a candidate that the recruiter contacted is catering to the candidate’s desires. It’s incredibly rude and presumptuous to contact someone out of the blue and demand that they apply for a job.
Anonymous
This. An application is just table stakes for an initial screen and the only way most people will get anyone’s time. OP was told the company and presumably the LI link is to a job description. Sometimes I wonder how much real world experience some readers have had since this seems totally the norm. Frankly I’d rather have that then to spend time on a fake interview with a recruiter where no immediate position is fitting as is sometimes the case.
Anonymous
This is totally not how it works in my field. I have done informational interviews with a number of potential candidates. We prefer that they understand something about the job and what our org does before we waste our time interviewing them. Our HR screeners are useless and will often send us completely inappropriate candidates for an interview process that lasts half a day and involves several people. It’s better for everyone if only candidates who are actually interested apply.
Anon -- cool dress help needed
Thanks for the great amount of leads on getting the cool green-white tiered dress that got away. It isn’t SZ Blockprints, but I swear that maybe her daughter was in something from the current offerings; maybe mom was in something from a prior year. This was very close to what I am looking for. I may stalk eBay and Posh on this, but next time I am going to strike while the iron is hot.
Anon
Was it this?
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/tiered-cotton-maxi-shirt-dress-bright-emerald-cube-geo/sty-d0468-dgr
Anon -- more on the stage 4 pancreatic cancer front
Thanks to commenters on the morning thread. I’m on work travel now but looking to visit mom and dad asap from my home city and hope that I’ve figure out some logistics for August-September-October commitments by then.
Is there any “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” on fast-moving fatal cancers like pancreatic cancer at stage 4? I have no health care background and in my family we haven’t had cancer before other than prostate cancer which seems like it is on a very different planet than this. I realize that I don’t know a lot about diet (looks like there are a lot of nutritional needs and foods to avoid during chemo) or even end of life care beyond my sense that you take all of the pain meds when someone has this diagnosis (but that then you worry about falls, navigating a house with stairs, etc.). I don’t known when to pull triggers on things like nursing homes, hospice, etc. (or even who does what) and will have to help dad navigate that (not only is he not used to this but his hearing is not very good and he is one to smile and nod when doctors speak vs making sure he understands his tasks because everyone is a caregiver nowadays).
Are there books or websites that would be helpful? They have burial plots and wills (etc.) made up and in a safe deposit box that dad and I have access to, so that’s done but IDK about the caring for the living (mom and dad) aspects as much as I need to and I want to learn in a hurry.
Anonymous
Not sure about books, but I would recommend looking for cancer-specific groups on facebook or searching for a hashtag on instagram. Things change so quickly in the cancer-world these days, so books are often a bit outdated by the time they are published (except as to the overarching mechanisms, etc.). Plus these groups will give you the best information from patients and caregivers directly.
Anonymous
Sadly no there isn’t. Her diet doesn’t matter beyond being food she can keep down.
Realistically she’ll be moving to hospice care soon. That can be in home, which means working with a hospice care provider, likely renting a hospital bed and setting it up downstairs, and you being a full time care taker. It can also be in a residential hospice care center. Figure out when her next appointment is and go, and ask for referrals to palliative care and a social worker.
Anon
FYI -dietary needs are unique for pancreatic cancer as patients often have new diabetes, gastroparesis and digestive enzyme deficiencies that can cause a lot of symptoms/issues.
bird in flight
I just read your morning past, I’m so sorry about this.
My grandfather just passed in early March from mesothelioma, a different type of fast moving cancer. Some random thoughts:
It went so, so fast. He had been golfing 18 holes up to the week before Thanksgiving. Got sick the week of Thanksgiving, and was gone the first week of March. He went into hospice care the last two weeks, and it was still shocking/reeling how quickly the end came.
I hope that this is different for your mom, but it was shocking the amount of very proactive advocating our family had to do. I was talking to a coworker a few days ago and apparently at some hospitals there’s a caseworker assigned to patients right away to help patients and families navigate the system – if this is offered, befriend and use this person! My family is polite midwest family, and definitely had to go way outside of the comfort zone to insist on getting care (appointments, oxygen, referrals). Frankly, you have to be a huge pushy advocate and follow up continuously if prescriptions, oxygen orders, and referral appointments are made the same day. I truly don’t know how we would have done it without the knowledge/experienced of my cousin who is a nurse practitioner in nursing home administration.
If you have any close extended family you can bring into the picture, keep them updated and use them when they offer to help. A private Facebook group where you can just say things once, versus having to make multiple phone calls or texts, is good to have. That’s where my cousin told us all the terrible prognosis and the hard news, and I think that was easier so all got the information at the same time and could process it – there wasn’t games of phone tag and telephone happening. My family came together in a very fierce kind of way around my grandpa and his care.
My grandmother (still living) is now a huge advocate for setting up financial and medical power of attorneys. I am sure some of the attorneys here will chime in on that kind of stuff.
Find the pockets of peace and normalcy; try to land on some kind of schedule of calling so there’s that predictability.
Hugs. It was a very hard time – constantly reeling is the words that best describe it for me.
Anne-on
+1 to all of this. A few additional notes – ask for a social worker referral NOW. They can help you ID and get you on the list for hospices (typically there aren’t many or aren’t many beds). They can also help put you in touch with home health aides – the sooner you can get help the better. I would also urge you to have conversations with your mom (or even just prompt her to think about) what type of interventions she wants. Some areas also have ‘death doulas’ who can help with this. People think you just ‘slip away quietly’ in hospice but that is rarely true and there are varying levels of interventions they can offer and your relative w/r/t pain management, food and water choices, etc. A big +1 to being pushy with the hospitals BUT I’d also suggest getting to know her nurses. Nurses make a huge difference in quality of life when you’re in the hospital. If you have a type-a family member this is the time to ask them to be the family phone tree coordinator – you tell them any updates and they can make sure everyone else knows.
I’m so sorry, this is really hard. Pancreatic cancer is just brutal and unfortunately progresses quickly.
Anon
“Frankly, you have to be a huge pushy advocate and follow up continuously”
This was our biggest lesson from my MIL’s cancer battle. My husband and his family are also “Midwest nice”/conflict avoidant and did not want to press my MIL’s care providers on things like – if she can’t see the palliative care specialist until she sees her oncologist, why is the oncologist visit scheduled four weeks away when she’s in pain right now, one provider has told us she is “actively dying,” and she needs immediate help? I had to get on the phone with people several times and outright say, “I understand that your protocol is such and such but she has X diagnosis and this is what’s happening to her and she needs help now.” And once offices understood what the situation was, they would move up her appointments or get us to another provider who could help sooner. But the medical system is a labyrinth and people in the labyrinth seem to assume you know what everyone is talking about all the time. I was never rude to people, but I had to be pretty persistent just to get the right information to help my MIL. So, OP – be prepared to be an advocate, even if that’s not in your comfort zone. I don’t know what happens to people who don’t have someone to advocate for them in these situations, and hope I never have to find out.
bird in flight
Yes, the labyrinth is wild and so not helpful for people in a rapidly decreasing condition, but not yet bad enough to be hospitalized fully. At one point the hospital had received the results for the biopsy that indicated the mesothelioma, but the cancer doctors weren’t available to meet to give the diagnosis for at least 2 weeks – but you couldn’t get an appointment until they called (although cousin kept calling anyway). In the in between time his primary care doctor had the results so knew my grandpa had mesothelioma, but must not have been able/comfortable actually giving the diagnosis so instead he didn’t say what it was but had a seriously conversation with my grandma about hospice, to which feels very out of the blue for my grandma since there is no diagnosis supporting it and my grandpa had been FINE with no symptoms 5 weeks prior. Meanwhile my grandpa is bouncing back and forth from the emergency room because he can’t breathe and his oxygen levels are dipping low, but no one wants to prescribe home oxygen because primary care doctor wants hospice to take care of it, but he can’t be on hospice because he doesn’t have a diagnosis, and officially the family doesn’t even know what’s going on. My nurse practitioner cousin finally took the chart/results, unofficially showed them to one of her cancer doctor friends, had a long conversation, then shared the results with us. All before there’s even an appt made with the cancer doctors. Eventually she pushed my grandparents to switch hospitals to one that would actually make an appointment for that same week, she walked the records into the hospital unit and specifically spoke to the charge nurse. But in the meantime we as a family basically harassed primary care doctor to send in the oxygen prescription. Like harassed because they had not sent it in for a week, including over a weekend, despite multiple calls from nurse practitioner cousin, so (different) nurse cousin called her former boss/hospital director of nursing get them involved, and then my sister went and sat in the waiting room waiting to get the order to take it to wherever it needed to go. !!!!
Honestly all that might not make sense, but that’s because it didn’t make sense. It did get a lot better/more responsive when we switch hospital systems altogether.
Also +1 to whoever suggested befriending the nurses. Truly probably the ones who can guide you the best if they have time and are able.
Anon
Yes, there are great resources.
First – the best location for doctors and information in general is Johns Hopkins. They used to even give 2nd opinions remotely/zoom, for self pay patients. Their website has some good basics.
Second, go to this website.
https://pancan.org/
This is a great patient advocacy organization for those with PC and their families. Call them, tell them where you are and what you said here, and you are trying to figure out where to start, and they will help. They can help with everything from finding the experts near you, finding relevant clinical trials near you, to hooking up with advice/things to read and more.
Poke around online for pancreatic cancer support groups/Discussion Boards. Hopkins used to have a great one, but it is no longer active. Ask PanCan where the best ones are now.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/pancreatic-cancer/
Just know that much of what makes this cancer difficult is that it can move quickly, and spreads widely, most chemotherapies are effective only for a brief period of time, and both the cancer and the chemo can cause a lot of side effects. For pancreatic cancer, these include abdominal pain, loss of appetite and early feeling of being full (gastroparesis is a word to learn), weakness, profound fatigue, depression (from the cancer itself!), new diabetes, new difficulty getting nutrition from food (so need pancreatic enzymes to take by mouth) to start.
Having only one doctor treat everything is not usually enough. The oncologist will focus on the chemo. Find the knowledgeable nurses (chemo nurses and RNs working with oncologist) to help with all chemo side effects. Get the Palliative Care doctor as soon as possible! We had to find a gastroenterologist to help when abdominal pain/bloating got worse (to treat the gastroparesis) and a pain specialist to help with pain medicines and to evaluate when a nerve block should be done. The primary care doctor helped manage the diabetes, which was new for us and learning how to manage insulin and diet takes time.
Remember – All symptoms have treatment options. Call the nurses/doctors for everything. Don’t accept pain/discomfort. There are always options.
For example, my mom was quickly started on an anti-depressant with follow-up with the cancer psychiatrist, had her opioid doses managed by a pain specialist, and then the Palliative care doctor, was started on ritalin to help her energy (worked great!) and she saw a nutritionist in the cancer center to help us navigate her eating/diabetes/digestion needs. But it is a lot to learn, juggle, remember, manage. A lot for an 80 year old husband to do on their own. Someone needs to be there, writing things down. You don’t need to learn it all at once.
The Palliative Care doctor will help when deciding when to continue chemo, and when to transition to hospice. They are the best at managing these discussions.
So take a deep breath, call PanCan, and spend some time this weekend perusing the sites I recommended and looking at what PanCan recommends.
Anon
I’m so sorry. This absolutely sucks.
The advice for fast progressing cancers, such as your mother’s, is different than for slower cancers. For example, you probably do not need to focus on her diet.
First thing I would do would to get in touch with her hospital’s palliative care and a social worker from the hospital. These two resources can help you navigate things like hospice and other end of life concerns. You can ask about in-home hospice vs. a hospice facility, what level of care is available if you do in-home hospice, and ask questions about pain meds, care taking, etc.
If your dad isn’t great at listening in the doctor’s office, can you arrange to attend appointments with them?
If more than one person (for example you and your dad) is doing care taking, taking notes is important. In my family, we have a caretaker (an adult child if available) take notes in all doctor’s appointments and throughout the illness as well. Non-appointment notes are both informational (nurse came in at 11:30 AM and said XYZ, mom woke up at 2PM and was awake for an hour, mom ate 1/2 of her breakfast today) but also can include memories (when talking to mom today she said she always loved the flowers dad would plant in the garden). That way, all caretakers have the same information and are on the same page (and obviously, recording memories is nice to have down the road). We never had an official schedule, but as relatives rotated in and out we would almost have a “shift change” in which relevant info would be verbally passed along (but it was already in the notes).
In addition to the will, are any accounts in your mom’s name that should be in your dad’s? Changing the utilities or dealing with banking info, or whatever, is easier to do now then it will be after she passes.
I don’t know what your current home / work / life situation is, but I would recommend spending as much time as possible with your parents. Obviously, because you’ll want to soak up the limited good time your mom has left, but also to assist your dad. If you’re in a situation where you can drop everything and go be with them full time (while taking FMLA or working remotely), I would do that.
Finally, a really bleak reminder, but speaking from experience: her cancer is very fast moving and your mom likely has very limited time left (I know of a few people who died within weeks or 2-3 months of diagnosis, even if she was given 6 months, it might not be that long), but even more so, the amount of “good time” she has left is even more limited. She may only feel like herself for another few weeks, so anything you want to do with her that’s outside of a hospital should be done now. Once chemo starts, she may be very weak and sick. Once hospice starts, she’s likely to be heavily medicated and sleeping 23+ hours a day. The drop off can happen very, very quickly. It absolutely sucks.
Anon
Oh one more thing: ask the social worker for recommendations for support groups for you and your dad (and your mom if she’s up to it). There are support groups for caregivers and for loved ones of cancer patients and for widowers and grieving children. If you’re not into support groups, I’d look into therapy as well.
It may feel selfish for you and your dad to also make sure youre taking care of yourself, but it’s important too. Whether that’s cooking and eating a real meal instead of takeout, going for a run, getting a pedicure, etc. It’s okay to take an hour out of your day to take care of yourself.
anon
Our neighbor has stage 3 pancreatic cancer and pretty much eats anything she can keep down. She says junk food like ice cream and cookies are especially good and she basically has no craving for “healthy” food. She doesn’t really eat meals but grazes throughout the day.
Anon
I spent several years working in a grocery store next door to the largest hospital in my small city. I sold the hell out of Stonyfield Strawberry Yogurt to cancer patients and their caregivers. Many said it was the one thing they could stomach in both flavor and texture/thickness.
Online hugs from this internet stranger.
Moose
I’m o sorry this is happening to your and your family. I don’t have any specific advice, but a few things come to mind:
1.) Hospice care people/nurses are amazing, and are a wealth of information about what to expect in the last days. Ask them questions when it comes time to interact with them. I find that knowing more about this period and what to expect very helpful and eases anxiety.
2.) On that same note, when dealing with doctors/health professionals, it is their job to make sure you and the patient understand everything and feel informed. Do not hesitate to get another opinion if you want one. I work in healthcare and always remind people that doctors are just people, and to not put one doc’s opinion on a pedestal, especially if they are uncaring or dismissive.
3.) The medical personnel around you should be able to give you an idea of care needed (for nursing homes, hospice, etc.) but the one thing I would have a conversation about first is a DNR – you don’t want to have to have that convo during or after a crisis if you don’t have to.
Best of luck to you – lean on your friends and family, the good ones what to be there for you. :)
Anonymous
I would join TheCancerPatient on Instagram, which is targeted at young adult cancer patients but addresses a lot of these issues in the stories. I would also check out the subreddit for pancreatic cancer to see advice from others in this situation.
When I had cancer, and my parent had cancer, I really enjoyed:
– The Unwinding of the Miracle by Julie Yip-Williams (memoir by a woman dying of cancer)
– Let’s Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell (memoir of the best friend of a woman who died of cancer)
– Emperor of All Maladies (history of cancer generally)
– When Breath Becomes Air (written by a doctor with stage IV lung cancer)
Treatment of pancreatic cancer has come a long way. My husband is a physician who works with a lot of pancreatic cancer patients. It takes a long time for the statistics re: life expectancy to catch up to new treatments. Stage IV pancreatic cancer is often fatal, but you may have more time than you think.
End of life care is very personal. The hospital or oncology center where your mom is treated will likely have social workers who can help you navigate some of these questions. Your mom’s oncologist will also help guide your family through these transition points. You should start discussing as a family what your mom hopes for if the end of her life comes near (pain meds, at home or in a facility, who she wants to visit, etc.) who her healthcare proxy should be, what interventions she is/is not comfortable with.
There is a lot of bad information out there about nutrition and cancer so be wary what you read on the internet. In many forms of chemo, you just eat what you can because you feel so bad and not a lot of thought is given to nutrition. Depending on how immune compromised she will be from chemo (it varies), she will likely be able to keep a fairly normal diet. The guidance is often similar to the guidance given to pregnant women and is mostly targeted towards avoiding food borne illnesses. I was in the most extreme category other than stem cell transplant patients and I had very minimal food restrictions.
You should accompany your mom to as many appointments as possible given what you note re: your dad and doctors. You can ask your dad to call you and loop you in via speakerphone to make it less burdensome.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
helloanon
Lots of great advice above that I won’t repeat, but I do want to echo a couple of things:
1. Go to your parents. Take time off work. If you have an intense job you may be worried about that. Don’t be. This is one time in life when I found all my colleagues and counterparts respected personal time. You will not get this time back, and you will not regret the time you spend with your parents now. (Caveat: this assumes a good relationship)
2. Strongly agree that you need to advocate for your loved one. The squeaky wheel gets the grease in our healthcare system. Don’t assume people are doing their jobs; they are likely very busy and juggling a lot. And despite their dedication to their job, they don’t care about your loved one like you do. Be polite but always follow up if something isn’t being done or done fast enough. Keep detailed notes on your mom’s care, ask questions, and get to know her providers and any resources available to you like a social worker.
3. Embrace hospice when the time comes. Every hospice worker I’ve ever interacted with has been incredible and such a support to scared, grieving families and patients.
4. Find out where your mom wants to pass – at home? In a hospice facility? Everyone is different but ask so you can make plans. Hospice staff are also really wonderful at having these conversations if you can’t or don’t want to.
Thinking of you and your family.
Anon
Hospice: it’s never too soon. Most people wait too long for hospice, and only get it at the very, very, very end of their life when they could have used it for the last 6 months. Hospice is a godsend. Call them, ask her doctor about getting a referral now. If she’s not eligible, the hospice team will tell you, but in all likelihood, she will be. Doctors might push back. Push for it.
Senior Attorney
Agree. My parents were on hospice for more than a year apiece and it was a godsend.
I’m so sorry this is happening, OP.
Anonymous
Yes to all of this. The average “tenure” on hospice is like 18 days in the US, but you qualify for it when 1 (or 2?) doctors say you have a prognosis of 6 months or less. That’s 5.5 months you can be using it.
I’m a huge proponent of palliative care and hospice care, but do keep your expectations low – hospice used to more broadly provide out-of-home 24 hour care for patients; now more often, you remain in your home and families or paid caregivers are expected to do the bulk of the work, with a couple visits each week from hospice. But still, take advantage.
Anon
For everyone recommending hospice…. please be clear – hospice is generally very very limited care focusing only on daily quality of life symptoms. No treatment of the disease. No visits to the emergency room. No more follow-up with specialists or even your primary care doctor. Generally, that is not the step our OP is at when cancer is first diagnosed. Please do not tell her to ask for a Hospice referral now! Her Mom has started chemo treatment – you generally cannot be on chemo and be on Hospice!
Her mother just got diagnosed.
They are just starting some treatment, and trying to get stabilized.
Now is the time to learn, to get a Palliative Care doctor involved to help with all of these quality of life symptoms and to potentially transition to Hospice if and when the time comes.
But Hospice is no palace of perfection for most of us. My experience was poor. Remember, hospice provides very limited help in the home and almost all the hands on care has to be done by the family or hired caregivers. It is great at the point where the patient and family have decided treatment will stop. The Hospice doctor then becomes the one and only managing doctor (not always a good idea, if the disease is very complicated and symptoms difficult to manage), you will not be going in to doctor’s appointments anymore, and you will be stopping most if not all medicines. Sometimes you never meet the Hospice doctor! They only call on the phone, and/or give a visiting home RN orders/instructions.
I was very upset when the first week my Mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and everyone started asking if we wanted a referral to hospice. My “friends” would ask me this! My Mom was not ready to die… this week, or next… and still felt pretty good. The diagnosis often comes as a surprise out of the blue, which is partially why it is so devastating. Let her family at least get a handle on where they are, find some doctors they trust and support networks to help, and then talk about where they are going.
My Mom lived 15 months after her diagnosis. She wouldn’t have lived 3 weeks if she hadn’t started chemo and gone straight to hospice
So always start working with a Palliative Care doctor as soon as possible when you are diagnosed with a very serious, often life limiting diagnosis like pancreatic cancer. You will se this doctor as an outpatient, and they will help advise throughout the disease trajectory. But please everyone…. hold off on this hospice talk on day one…. or week one…. or even month one.
Anon
I’m very sorry about your bad experiences and for the loss of your mother.
I had a very different experience with my mother and hospice. They got involved early WHILE she was still getting treatment, and the hospice nurses were there to talk with her about treatment options so she could make the decisions she wanted to. She was actually meeting with hospice nurses for over a year, and only in the last 2 weeks did she completely forego any treatment for her condition. The hospice people were not in charge of her care until the end, but they were an invaluable resource for us for ensuring that she had a good quality of life. They were also there to talk to her about her wishes and her fears in ways she didn’t want to talk to us.
I don’t think anyone here is saying that the OP should encourage her mom not to get any treatment. My experience was the fact that the hospice folks knew my mother by the time she was ready to stop treatment, she felt more comfortable and we felt more at peace that it was really her choice.
Anon
My understanding is that the meanings and practical implications of hospice and palliative care vary widely by US state and by country; is that not right?
Anon
Yes.
Palliative Care meets with you when you are still getting active treatment of your disease. They help you transition to Hospice, and sometimes run Hospice programs as well. Hospice ONLY will manage your care when you are no longer actively treating disease. Medicare guidelines strictly maintain rules for how care is paid for once you go on hospice.
This is not a grey area .
In the past, Palliative care and Hospice were synonymous. Not anymore. Now, it depends on the hospital/organization, but sometimes providers for Palliative Care also see Hospice patients.
The semantics is important to know. Even doctors mess it up sometimes.
It is important because if you ask for Hospice now, every doctor will think you and your family understand what that means – no more treatment. Care in the home. No more doctor appointments. No more chemo. At the right time, it is an excellent choice. At the wrong time, it is a problem. Because most hospice programs are privately run, paid by Medicare at low rates, and the pay model they use gives a disincentive for more aggressive care – even for quality of life symptoms.
Again, with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, asking for no treatment with early Hospice involvement that will mean an early death. Which may be a humane thing for an 80 year old. But the OP has steps to take before jumping to this.
Anonymous
I’m the 5:50pm responder. I’m well versed in the differences between palliative care and hospice. I recommend having the discussion early because too many cancer patients are chasing cures right up until the end – with all of the attendant side effects and lack of focus on QoL – and oncologists usually overestimate lifespan. Hospice patients often actually live LONGER, with better QoL. This is esp likely to be true for the cancers like pancreatic cancer, where chemo and treatment is (sadly) likely to be futile. In the major metro areas, the same agencies tend to do palliative care and hospice, so at least avail yourself of palliative care consult, so you have the team in place if and when hospice is appropriate (which is likely to be earlier than you think, and probably appropriate now).
Anon
I think we are on the same page.
I agree that oncologists often continue aggressive treatment too long. I agree that getting Palliative care involved early is essential. Completely agree. And for some people, they may never want to pursue any cancer treatment at all – and go straight to Hospice Care. However, it is early Palliative Care has shown increase quality of life and lifespan for patients like the OPs mom – who have stage 4 cancer. Not early Hospice care, which stops all cancer treatment. It is not correct that patients with stage 4 pancreatic cancer live longer on hospice care than with cancer treatment. They live longer with Palliative Care, and some cancer treatment, then with cancer treatment alone. Palliative Care is always good. And Hospice care can be an important and useful option when chemo/surgery is not the right choice for you.
Remember, the posts on this thread are for the OP. The OPs mother has already started cancer treatment with chemotherapy. The OP doesn’t even know anything about the type of cancer their parent has, hasn’t talked with their parents about their wants, and may not even know what palliative care vs. hospice even are. People are giving many confusing recommendations, and most of the comments are not from others whose parents have been through Pancreatic Cancer.
Hospice is a branch that falls under Palliative Care. At this stage, the OP’s Mom starts with Palliative Care, and there they can discuss all options and find out what goals are important to Mom in her life. Then they can together guide the OP’s Mom if Hospice is what is best for her.
In some cancer centers, Palliative Care is almost an automatic referral if you have certain diagnoses and especially if you fall into an older age range. Honestly, pretty much every cancer patient should see one of these doctors. But in some cities/states, with limited medical resources and few specialists, Palliative Care doctors that work with patients who are still actively pursuing treatment are harder to find.
Most people on this board are young and relatively healthy, your goals in life are sometimes different from your parents. Goals change constantly, and relatively. And when you talk about futility, there is both truth… and insensitivity in the statement. Yes, the OP’s Mother will not be cured of her pancreatic cancer with treatment. But cure is not always the goal. That’s why you have to slow things down and talk to the patient, and simply give them a little time to absorb the shock of such an overwhelming diagnose.
Maybe the OP’s Mom’s goal is to get all of her kids at home for a last family reunion. Or to see her grandchildren at Christmas, or her son married in the fall. We all have different goals. Maybe her goal is to be free of pain, and chemo combined with pain medicines is more likely to do that at some points in time, especially if she wants to be more alert.
We don’t know the OP, her Mom, her Mom’s health, her family, her beliefs, her symptoms or her goals. Give them a moment to breathe.
KS IT Chick
Pancreatic cancer is rarely diagnosed at an early stage, because it doesn’t show symptoms until after it has progressed.
Food, whatever she wants to eat that she can eat. My aunt couldn’t stomach red meat for about 3 months before her death. She craved full sugar Coca Cola, without ice.
The cancer center where she is receiving treatment should have support staff to help with what to expect and what the timeline is likely to be. Look for a social worker.
If she is undergoing chemotherapy or radiation, there’s probably going to be a point where she is told that there will be no benefit to continuing treatment. When it comes, the end is likely not far off. Getting that message will be most likely traumatic for her, for your father and for you. Treat yourself kindly.
NYNY
I am so so sorry you are going through this. If you can, drop everything and go to her. When my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in March 2020, she died within 6 weeks. You likely don’t have time to plan things, although I understand the impulse. You just need to go.
At the time, my boss said the best thing to me: Now is the time to be selfish. You’ve given a lot to this team, but right now you need to only think about yourself and your family. Work will be here when you get back.
Nesprin
I’m so sorry.
Is there a patient advocate group at the hospital you’re working with? They’re the people to talk to first and foremost. Talking to the palliative care team is something to do ASAP, and if he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer he’s already eligible for hospice- talk to them as well to see what the experience would look like. He should talk to these people (and possibly an eldercare attorney) then write a living will and designate a medical power of attorney.
Pancreatic cancer is a monster, and while there’s always something new being tried, there has not been much improvement in survival for stage 4 pancreatic ductal adenocarcinoma over the last few decades. It’s worth considering what he wants the end of his life to look like- aggressive treatment at a specialist hospital focused on extending life at all costs vs. treatment at home focused on comfort above all are two different poles, but there’s a lot of options in between. It’s also worth considering now whether you can make the things on his bucket list happen- now is the time.
anon
I’m so sorry your family is going through this. My dad was diagnosed with pancan this year, albeit stage 1B, and I immediately dropped everything to go home. Luckily covid normalized remote work enough that my employer was okay with me working from my parents’ for the time being. Navigating the hospital system is difficult (we switched hospitals to boot), navigating his new condition and everyone’s moods is difficult, navigating the multiple trips to ER since then is difficult. Be kind to yourself and your loved ones. I’ve learned to take it one day at a time. I don’t question where we will be in a month or a year. I just focus on how my dad is doing today. Whether he slept well, enjoyed his lunch and his walk at the park. I try to spend as much time with him as possible, and take lots and lots of pictures. As far as treatment goes, prepare for the worst, but do look into options so that you don’t go away with the regrets. Things can often go quickly, but sometimes we are able to buy a little more time to spend with our loved ones. If your mom ends up getting chemo or radiation, it’s important to preemptively manage her nausea and/or diarrhea. The infusion center will give steroids etc. to help. Ask about digestive enzyme supplements such as Creon that help to digest and absorb nutrients so that she can maintain her weight and energy level. Protein shakes are good for days when she doesn’t feel like eating. Get in touch with palliative care at the hospital so they can help her manage pain and symptoms. Don’t push her on any treatment or care giving that she doesn’t want though. She’s an adult that knows how her body feels. It will get to a point where she doesn’t want to eat anymore and forcing her will only result in throwing up.
Anon
This is all really great advice.
AnonMD
Palliative care doctor here. OP, I’m so sorry about your mother’s diagnosis. Big hugs from an Internet stranger.
Lots of good advice here already. Hospice is a highly regulated industry with some variability according to state and payer (Medicare vs private insurance), so don’t be surprised when you hear differing stories. I’m happy to answer more questions about it, as there is a lot of misinformation floating around.
Palliative care services also vary quite a bit depending on where you are. If your mother’s care is at a center with limited Palliative care availability, I’d recommend checking out Mettle Health, an online service with Palliative care staff who can provide a lot of support and information.
There are quite a few other online services that you might find useful, depending on where you’re starting from:
– Prepareforyourcare.org
– Cake
– Five Wishes
OP, I’m also happy to chat offline if you’d like. Post a burner email and I’ll reach out. Just knowing what to expect and how to prepare can bring a lot of peace of mind.
Anon
For those of you in a long-term relationship, do you ever wish you could still garden freely with whoever you want? I’ve been having vivid dreams about gardening outside of my relationship, and though I don’t actively miss it, there is a part of me that feels like it is strange to think I may never experience that again…
Anon
I have vivid dreams of gardening with a guy who was my unrequited crush in HS through college – and I have not seen him in ~18 years. I’m also not curious or interested in se*ually when I’m awake, or gardening alone.
The thought of going outside of my relationship (13 years total) doesn’t interest me.
Anon
I have nightmares about having to do the dirty again with my ex. But that was one of the reasons he’s my ex.
Anon
I have dreams about gardening with a guy I dated a couple of times in high school, thirty years ago! It’s so random. I have literally no idea what happened to the guy or where he is now; never think about him while awake but every year or so I have the dream.
anon
Eh, that’s what having a rich fantasy life is for! I wouldn’t give up “newness” for being with someone who knows what makes me tick.
Anonymous
Closing in on 25 years here, and no, not even a little bit.
anon
I do not – when I’m in a relationship I really don’t feel interest in or attraction to other people. That said, I also have had very few partners and have never had s*x outside a committed relationship.
Moose
Oh sure – but I see no problem with a fantasy life that harms no one, and doesn’t disrupt your your life or relationship. The myth that you’ll never be – or shouldn’t be – attracted to others outside of a marriage is just that, a myth.
Anon
+1. Married for almost 15 years and this tracks with my experience.
Anon
+2, married almost 25 years here. Perfectly normal for people to have attractions and fantasies and I wouldn’t police that even if I thought I could. As long as the thought doesn’t go forward into real-world action – which can have long-term consequences beyond just hurt feelings – I think it’s fine. I hope my husband isn’t offended if I occasionally think about another person, as I’m certainly not offended if he’s doing that. I’d be more surprised to hear that he doesn’t do that, honestly.
Anon
It’s definitely a don’t ask don’t tell situation.
Anonymous
In my experience, attraction is different than wanting to sleep with someone… I’ve never wanted to touch what I enjoyed looking at.
Anon
I have a very monogamous real life and a very promiscuous fantasy life. Best of both worlds. 10 years married.
Anonymous
I do. But I also don’t miss the vivid nightmares I had every time I did garden outside my relationship before, so I’m good with just the fantasy.
Anon
Nope.
jm
Absolutely, OP
Anonymous
I don’t experience traditional sexual attraction, have only had one partner, and don’t really fantasize, and I *still* have random dreams like that.
Anon
I am looking into hiring a health or nutrition coach. I am a busy, single mom who travels almost every week. I need someone to sit down with me, one on one, each week and map out the next week in terms of what to eat on each day (so some meal planning aspects) but also when to fit in workouts, and to help me think through strategies for client dinners, work events, etc. My goals are generally to get healthier, be more active, and have a more intentional relationship with food and alcohol. I’m in DMV/NoVa, but would expect this to be virtual so not sure location matters. Has anyone used someone like this that they would recommend?
anon
I don’t have a person to recommend, but strongly recommend that you see a registered dietitian. There are strict standards for becoming an RD (vs a “nutritionist” or a “nutrition coach”). I cycled through several nutritionists/nutrition coaches, and really struggled to find one that wasn’t super focused on weight loss (often euphemistically described as “getting lean”) and tending toward scientifically unproven approaches. Saw an RD and she was incredibly in helping me get to my goals (in my case, trying to increase body fat to help me conceive, but via healthy means and without triggering my eating disorder).
Anonymous
my WW coach used to do this stuff with me – all but sitting down and meal planning. You might want to look into a meal planning group that offers a coaching service — Stay Fit Mom comes to mind but I’m sure there are others.
Davis
I did a series of online sessions with Friendly Nutrition (https://friendlynutritionllc.com/) last fall, but it doesn’t look like she’s taking more coaching clients right now. She has some meal plans online that might be helpful in the meantime.
Anonymous
Does anyone else feel like if someone close to you is mean to you it ruins the entire day? I could care less if I’m slighted by a coworker or a service worker or someone like that, but if someone close in my life is overly critical in a mean way, I find that I am annoyed or teary – depending on what was said – all day. Like to the point where it feels like, well I’m getting nothing done today, my day is ruined. Problem is my aging parents are at the age where they say whatever they want with no thought to my feelings, and if I say something is hurtful – oh I’m being overly analytical, that’s not what they meant, don’t pick on our words, we’re old. Notably, they don’t do this with their nieces, nephews, extended family because at some level they realize those people will just stop calling. My mom said something two days ago, ALL day yesterday was ruined for me as I kept thinking about it and tearing up. Finally late last night I burst out crying and this morning it’s like it’s done. Problem is I feel an entire day behind at work now because I had such a non productive day yesterday.
Any way to manage this? I already talk to my parents less – IDK how much more I can cut it down. Any way to get over things faster? This is happening more than I ever remember it, so I’m guessing it’s a combo of my 40 something peri menopause emotions and them just feeling like they can say whatever.
Anon
It sounds like you need to work on you. I’m not saying it’s OK for people to be mean to you, because of course it isn’t, but in the real world we live in, it’s going to keep happening and you need to learn some techniques like – this is not about me, this is about them. I’m awesome and happy with my life as it is. Etc. I don’t know if self helpy kind of books or other reading would be the thing for you, or all the way to the cliché around here – therapy.
I have been there. Someone I was close to called me a peach – too easily bruised – and even though it hurt my feelings at the time, I realized there was some truth to it.
ALT
Therapy and anxiety meds or antidepressants (I’m on both so not sure which, maybe it’s both, helps with this) have worked for me. Therapy to help with strategies to stop ruminating on things and stop taking everything so personally, the meds to take th edge off of all the intense feels.
When I’m anxious or depressed it takes nothing to set me off on a crying jag and that emotional roller coaster is really wearing.
anon
I run down the list of whether all my basic needs are being met – sleep, water, food – and, really, food with nutrients, sun, fun with friends. We are really house plants with more complicated emotions. When things are bugging me more than usual, it normally means something in my homeostasis is off and I’m not able to “deal” as well.
If your parents filter really is gone, and it wasn’t always like that, are there other things that are changing for them? Any cognitive decline, forgetfulness, etc.? Are they getting out less? Not able to do as much? Is it both parents or just one – you say they, but is it just your mom? If it is just one, talk to the other parent, I bet that the other parent is also feeling the effects of no filter.
Anon
“When you feel like everyone hates you, sleep. When you hate everyone, eat. When you hate yourself, take a shower.”
This is advice I try to follow myself. I believe the word hangry was invented to describe me, so the second one is particularly important in my case.
anon
Gawd, this is excellent life advice.
Anon
I mean, if someone had given me this advice when I was like 17 years old, it would have changed my whole life for the better. Especially the “if you hate everyone else, eat” thing. So many times when my feelings were raw and I couldn’t stand to be around people, I was really just hungry and everything looked better after I ate a sandwich.
Anonymous
“when you hate everyone, eat” had to have been the inspiration behind that whole here-have-a-snickers advertising campaign because of how nearly universal being hangry is…
Anonymous
OP clearly states “noteably they don’t do this with…” which means their filter is still firmly in place and they are using age as an excuse to chose to do this to OP.
Anon
I noticed this too. She doesn’t need to eat or sleep or medicate this away, because it’s not coming from her.
Anon
I’ve always been overly sensitive.
Being perimenopausal makes me cry at commercials/pictures/anything so… But it is not specific to specific people. It is generalized.
It is true that no one can hurt us more than those that know us (love us?) most! Up to you if you think you need to address this in therapy, as managing aging parents can get hard in the late years. For me, I set boundaries, and a lot of general stress management so my set point is not trigger sensitive. For me, that’s getting a lot of sleep, yoga, a morning happy light, eating as well as I can and Hormone Replacement Therapy!
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Maybe you could try creating some boundaries like ending the conversation (“that’s hirtful and I refuse to be spoken to like that, I’m going to go now” and hang up the phone) and not calling for a while after they are mean and see what happens.
Anonymous
This too is my first reaction. Sounds like it’s both parents and they can both manage not to be hurtful to their nieces and nephews but they’ll be hurtful to you? Yeah that’s the typical – I can say what I want to those closest to me because what will they do. They know full well that their 40 year old niece will just stop calling or visiting so they’re probably on best behavior and all compliments with her and yet everything in the world is wrong with you – I’ve seen it in my own family.
Anonymous
My family as well.
OP, if these people can control their behavior with others, they are fully capable of controlling it with you. They are chosing not to control their behavior with you because you are letting them get away with what they are doing.
Put up some boundaries and stop letting them get away with this behavior and they will change if you are important enough to them.
Just a fair warning though, once you do put up boundaries you will need to stick to them like you’ve never stuck to anytjing before, because they will push back and things will get worse until they realize you are serious.
Anon
Well, I’ve had a life-long problem with my dad being critical of every single thing I say and do and my mom defending him no matter what, and yes, it still causes a lot of pain when that happens.
Meredith
Fun advice needed: I unexpectedly have a free day to myself in London on Sunday as DH now has a work commitment. This isn’t my first trip so I’ve covered off a lot of the classics . I’m nerdy more than sporty although enjoy watching sportsball. I have slow mobility ( walking means slow and lots of breaks) otherwise no limitations. Budget is pretty flexible. What would you do?
LawDawg
If you want to take a day to yourself and don’t want to walk, get on one of the hop on-hop off busses and just stay on for the entire route. If the weather is nice, you can sit upstairs/outside. It’s great for people watching. And if anything interests you, just hop off. Or not. Most of the services have multiple bus routes, so you can switch from one to the other. The crowds in London are so crazy lately, this also keeps you above and away from that.
Meredith
Thanks!
Senior Attorney
I would go to a West End show for sure. A nice lunch followed by a matinee.
Meredith
True, always so much to see and I think DH has reached his full of shows and art galleries.
Anne-on
Wimbeldon tickets if you’re at all a sports fan would be my suggestion. If you’re at all into clothing the exhbition at Kensington Palace right now is fantastic. I’d get an early ticket, do lunch/tea afterwards and then sloooowly meander down to Sloane street and/or Harrods and do some window (or actual) shopping. Alternately just take a cab after Kensington palace and save your energy for the shopping!
Meredith
These are both great suggestions, thank you!
Anon
I would go to Sir John Soane’s museum or the cabinet war rooms. Both are quite small, very informative, something you can’t do anywhere else. They are both gems.
Runcible Spoon
Wow, what excellent suggestions for a big fan of house museums and other various and sundry nerdy gallery-type facilities. I will definitely keep these two in mind for the next time I visit London, thank you!
Teapot
+1 to the Sir John Soane’s museum – it’s a hidden gem!
Meredith
Love this idea, thanks!
Anon
I don’t know if you’re into fragrance, but if I had a free hour or so I’d make my way to Penhaligon’s. Probably also the legendary fragrance counter/room at Liberty. I like to bring home a new fragrance from travel to remind me of my time there.
Meredith
Lovely idea!
Anon
I’d stroll through Hyde Park with a coffee and croissant. Then maybe visit places that are in books I love. Eg georgette heyer
I’d skip lunch and do an early afternoon tea at fortnum and mason.double decker Bus tour.
Meredith
We might be the same person, these excellent ideas have been done.
Anon
Cabinet war room if you’ve never been.
Meredith
Great suggestion, I haven’t.
Anon
If you can book a Parliament tour, I’d recommend it.
Meredith
I have been lucky enough to do this, excellent recommendation.
Anon
Can you get tickets for shakespeare plays at the globe .
Meredith
I’m a mad Shakespeare fan so we have seen everything that is on right now otherwise a brilliant suggestion.
Meredith
Thanks everyone for such thoughtful and targeted ideas.
Anonymous
I just wanted to say how kind all of your replies are!
Meredith
Thank you. We really are lucky to have this community. I probably dip in and out a bit based on family, work etc but always learn here.
Anonymous
A twist on the request above —
What are some resources for caring for aging parents before they are critically ill but when they are declining. Both of my parents are now at this stage, and I am states away from each of them, but needing to be in charge of some things and to make occasional visits to address issues. Financially, I am not in a position to be a regular in-person caretaker. I expect to go into debt traveling to see each of them a few/four times a year over the next few years, but more than that is simply unworkable at this point. I have a sibling who potentially could be a full-time caretaker for a short time at some point (probably over parents’ objections), but she is not responsible enough and does not have the personality to handle legal and financial things or manage providers, etc., so that is going to be me, potentially for the next 10-15 years. I would like some kind of guide for navigating taking over some financial things, finding caretakers, helping facilitate healthcare, and any other things I am overlooking.
Anon
Their county or city office of aging can refer you to elder care services. There are social workers that specialize in this.
Anonymous
On legal side, an elder care attorney can walk you through the paperwork they need to fill out while they are well enough to give you the legal authority to act for them, and for them to express their wishes on medical care and when to stop care.
Anonymous
Definitely contact a social worker i. their area who specializes in elder care.
As well, if you expect to be providing that level of care for that long it might be worth considering moving closer to them.
Anonymous
Yes. Also, keep in mind most in-home aide services are not paid for unless you’re on Medicaid and need medical care. Most people have to purchase services out of pocket (just CNA care is $33/hour where I live, with 4-8 hour minimums), so many people end up having to leave the workforce to provide the care themselves.
Anon
This is a very difficult question. I will poke around for resources that helped me, and report back.
First, I would think carefully about you and your siblings and about who is currently living closer to your parents, who might be able to move closer to them, and maybe even if THEY should move closer to you. Also, I would try not to write off various siblings and let too much responsibility fall upon your own shoulders. Everyone has skills, everyone can do scut work, everyone can order supplies online, any of you can simply visit and sit with your parents and make sure they are ok. And many times, people will surprise you, and rise to the occasion. And definitely, people can disappoint you, and do as little work as you allow them to do. So don’t start with your bar too low.
Next – are you on good terms with your siblings? Maybe start a text/email/zoom 2/3/4 way conversation. Say that you know some people that are starting to have to deal with these issues (many of us on this board!)….. “our parents are ok today, but what if Mom was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow….? Is it time for us to start talking with each other – and talking with them – about how they want to live and enjoy this next phase of life?” Just bringing the issue up in general terms to see what people say. See if you can get on the same general page. Again, sometimes people will surprise you, and sometimes your siblings have ideas.
Second, try to get a handle on the basic financials, so you know your options for the future. Do your parents share any of the financial info with you? Like, do you have a vague idea what their retirement income/savings is like, if they own their home etc… If not, do you think they would be willing to discuss this? Is anyone willing and able to assist with becoming a POA if/when needed? Is there trust between the kids and parents, and between the siblings themselves?
Do you think they have enough saved for retirement, to give them options?
How are they living now? House? Apartment? Is it accessible for a wheelchair, if it is ever needed?
Did they ever talk about downsizing? Moving to a retirement community?
Have they ever expressed any of their aging/end of life priorities to you?
It is great to start having these discussions now. I like your gut instinct. Unfortunately, most of us wait until a crisis, and sometimes this is because parents refuse to discuss it. But it is a great idea to start talking to your siblings and for each to think about their long term plans/willingness to step in, when the time comes.
And then I would try having a low pressure, open ended conversation…. in person with your parents. Maybe start it with a little story…. “My friend’s 80 year old Mom was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is scary … .particularly because my friend lives far away, and my friend’s father is overwhelmed. It got me thinking how life can be ok one day… and the next day it might change completely. You just never know. And it got me thinking…. I am far away from you guys, and if something happened, I want to be sure you guys have the support you need. Have you guys thought at all how you both want to live out these next years? Or what would be important to you if something ever happened like what happened to my friend?” And just see what they say?
Meanwhile, you could check to see if there are any senior support programs/services/community outreach in their town. In ours, if you are over 60 you can set up a visit from the local Department of Aging and a social worker will visit and tell you about any free or low cost services that your parents may be eligible for. Anything from home delivered meals to discount transportation options to free basic medical equipment from their donated stockpile to ?? Our area has a state run program, and a local one where a social worker may visit your parent and check in at least 1-2x per year, if they are considered higher need (ex. isolated/more medical problems/mental illness) to get more services if they are needed.
It can be challenging to do caregiving / managing for afar. Very. You can’t really assist with much medical care. You can order things, research things, pay bills, but it is very hard to visit assisted living/nursing facilities, or hire local caregivers and be sure they don’t steal/take advantage of your loved one, and manage any day to day care.
We did at one point try to hire a local care manager to see if she could be the point person, helping manage all of these things if we were out of town. But that is expensive, and just can’t give much regular assistance/input. I quickly figured out it was too much for them to manage, especially once my mother died and my disabled father was living alone. Then a family member had to be there. Either we moved him to us, or one of us moved to him. But those private care manger folks can be GREAT to hire at any transition point, in helping to tell you what alternative housing options may be there, which assisted living or nursing home facilities are the best (and how many thousands of dollars a month they cost….). and how to find resources etc… Some of these folks used to be social workers or nurses. They are not cheap, but worth it.
If you really wanted, you could hire one of those now, to just have a general discussion with you. Or you could do it when you next visit your parents. Finding someone who knows their area well would be the most helpful.
Anonymous
What are your favorite things to grill? We finally got a propane one and so our world has opened up. Any favorite recipes or marinades?
Anon
Zucchini on the grill is hugely popular in my house, highly recommend.
Shrimp marinated in lime, a ton of garlic, salt, pepper, and a shot of tequila. Grill on skewers if needed. Marinade also works for chicken.
For an easy meal, I throw frozen naan on the grill to add a carb for the kids.
Also, don’t sleep on a grilled Caesar salad. Split romaine hearts, brush with oil and grill until they get a bit of a char, then add croutons, parm, and dressing. Incredible.
Anonymous
how do you do your zucchini on the grill? we cut it into like 4″ long boats and tried to grill it on skewers, and it was still a little undercooked – pondering if we should nuke it for 2 minutes before grilling it.
Anon
We usually cut it into long planks or big rounds – even thickness of about 1/4 inch thick throughout. It helps it cook evenly.
Anon
NYT – soy basted chicken thighs.
Easy
Simple
Delish
Tea/Coffee
Whole chickens, provided you’ll be home for a couple hours.
Preheat outer burners of the grill on high. Leave the center burners off.
Open a 12 oz can of generic beer (nothing$$$) – lager, IPA, MGD. Drink half. I have also done water in a soda can, with added stuff like worchestershire.
Put a spice rib on the outside of the chicken, all over, inside the cavity, and put some in the beer can.
Sit the bird on the can. Get the can allll the way up in there.
Place the can in the center of the hot grill. Grill over indirect heat until done, for me this is ~1 to 1.25 hours.
Be careful removing from grill as can and remaining liquid are HOT.
This would be amazing with the grilled caesar!
We have a little contraption that holds the can steady as we do this A LOT. You can roast in the oven this way, too, as long as you check sitting height of bird vs oven rack.
Anonymous
Either fish or tofu in a marinade. Corn in its husks for Mexican street corn. Any firm stone fruit for dessert.
Anonymous
do you do fish on planks? or is there some other implement we need?
Anon
I actually love salmon cooked inside foil packets on the grill. Find a well reviewed recipe online, and take note to exactly how they do it (temperature/time/prep). I love it when the salmon skin crisps up!
Anonymous
Contemporary Korean art at Mall Galleries, followed by the reopened National Portrait Gallery 5 minutes away, or the Diva exhibiton at V&A (Tina Turner stage costumes, Rhianna…) (bus 9 from Traf sq, change at Hyde park corner for 74 for very little walking)
Evensong at St Paul’s or Westminster A. for the lovely choral music.
Tea in Queen Mary’s garden in Regent’s Park. Kew Gardens.
Open air theatre in Regent’s park.
The British Library is celebrating a jubilee, and has lots of events. (Other side of road to Kings Cross St Pancras)
Anonymous
Nesting fail – this was for London!
Anonymous
I’m going to be at a client site for work for a full week (6 days). I will sleep at my house, but it’s an hour drive one-way. (They offered a hotel but I would much rather sleep in my own bed). I expect to leave 6:30a and return about 7:30p every day. I will be walking multiple sites, in and out of meetings, and my advisor who did this trip pre-covid warned me to bring ample snacks, water, and plan to not eat lunch (when their stakeholders are eating, I need to be presenting). Any suggestions for portable, healthy-ish foods I could keep in my car for the week and could pack in my backpack every day? I have no allergies but hate protein bars/powders. My only idea right now is apples and beef jerky packets but I know I need more than that.
Anon
Granola bars (preferable with some protein even if not “protein bars”; I keep Kind bars in my car all the time)
Nuts and nut butters
Whole grain crackers
Granola/trail mix
Shelf stable hummus cups
I know you will be really busy with long days, but in your place I would make a PB&J sandwich every day and take it with me in addition to the apples and snacks. Also, do you have a lunch box with an ice pack? It would greatly increase your options.
Good luck! I would stay in a hotel rather than have a week of 13 hour days, but I know ability to sleep in hotels varies widely!
Anonymous
Cut up the apple and bring some peanut butter.
Cheese sandwiches or cheese and crackers. Could throw in some smoked meats. Like an adult lunchable.
PB&J
Carrots and hummus
Trail mix
Packets of nuts
Tea/Coffee
Hard boiled eggs. Peel them ahead, they won’t last all day but will be reasonable for the AM.
Smoothies? Without protein powder if you don’t like it. A really big fruit smoothie in an insulated straw cup could sit on the conference room table and not look completely out of place.
I would also use commute time. Have something in the car (egg sandwich, hard boiled eggs, PBJ, etc) and eat it just before you walk in.
Grapes. Easier to eat vs apples
Anonymous
Do you have a large plastic cooler you can fill with ice? Like for camping? I have a few similar travel weeks in the summer and it’s really hard to keep any kind of food in the hot car. I pre-make individual servings of a lot of the types of suggestions listed above (hard boiled eggs, cut fruit, adult lunchables, hummus and crackers) and toss the snacks for the day in the cooler in the morning. Then I add a bag of ice from the gas station on the way out of town. Keep non-perishables at the top layer of the cooler so they stay reasonably cool. At night, I just dump the ice and start over the next day.
Anon
I’m doing a similar three-day stretch this coming week, working 12-hour days about an hour from home.
I’m bringing:
– Pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on whole-grain bread, each day
– Whole-grain mini pretzels
– Grapes
– Nature Valley peanut butter wafer bars
– A thermos of cold-brew coffee and milk with vanilla protein powder mixed in (I know you said you don’t like protein powder, but mixed with coffee and milk instead of just milk, or water, powders taste much better IMO)
– String cheeses (I keep these in an insulated lunch bag with a blue ice pack)
– A big, big water bottle full of water with some Hydrant hydration mix in it, and lots of ice cubes. For me, if I can’t eat for awhile, that’s fine; if I can’t hydrate, it will be game over pretty fast; I run out of energy much earlier and also tend to get migraines. And if you’re going to be sweating, remember sweat is both salt and water, and plain water will only be somewhat rehydrating.
AIMS
Bananas. Though plan to eat early in the day as it will brown in your bag.
Hard Boiled Eggs.
Cut up veggies – I sometimes just throw a ziplock bag with some carrots, cucumbers and peppers cut up into strips.
Nuts/sunflower or pumpkin seeds.
Raisins.
I don’t have a cooler but find a pack it cooler bag to be useful for throwing in my tote to keep things in good shape when I’m out and about for the day.
Thinking Out Loud
Everything everyone else said, plus:
– Bob’s Bars – I love both the banana and PB&J flavors and find them very filling
– Peanut butter filled pretzels
Good luck!
Penny Powers
I’m taking my niece to see Taylor Swift in LA in August. As a 46 year old what do I wear to a Taylor Swift concert?
Anon
Whatever you want, but I’d wear anything that sparkles.
Plus fun aunt points if y’all make friendship bracelets together beforehand.
Penny Powers
I love the friendship bracelet idea! Thanks!
I think I’m going with this: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B081L915PH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1