Weekend Open Thread

265 Comments

1. Reposting since I didn’t get any responses on the morning thread…looking for recs for good couples resorts in Arizona/Southern California. Husband and I would be going between late October – late November for 4-5 days as our babymoon. Ideally looking for somewhere that is close to good food, has a spa, etc. Max budget would be $300-$400/night. Appreciate any and all tips!

   1. I replied on the morning thread!

   2. Not sure about specific resorts, I think the budget might be kind of tough for fancy places, but Napa is lovely that time of year.

      1. Oh sorry I missed the “southern” modifier on California. Nevermind!

   3. I agree that the budget might be somewhat limiting if you are looking for luxury resorts. The Ojai Valley Inn is really beautiful and would be fun to combine with two nights in Santa Barbara, but I am guessing it is more expensive than that in October or November.

      You could check out Palm Springs if you want reliably warmer weather. It is high season there in the fall and winter, but there is quite a range of hotels so you may be able to find something that fits your budget.

      1. +1. I’m in Santa Barbara and $400/night will be tough for a couples resort there (and certainly for Ojai, which tends to be $$$). But Palm Springs has a ton of resorts in different price ranges and the weather (at least by late October) should be very pleasant.

   4. Thanks all for the tips! That was my fear re:budget. Maybe we can splurge a bit more since we’re no longer flying to Europe…..

   5. I don’t have specific resort recommendations, and it’s more central than Southern California, but Morro Bay/Cayucos/Pismo Beach are gorgeous and tend to be more affordable than Santa Barbara etc. The beaches are lovely, there’s great wine tasting and hiking available in the surrounding area, and you can drive into San Luis Obispo proper if you want to explore the area.

      1. Oh, the Dolphin Bay Resort and Spa in Pismo Beach is very nice!

         1. Really? I haven’t been to that one yet. We go to Pismo pretty often. Is that the one right downtown?

            1. no it’s a bit north of town

               you’re probably thinking if spyglass, which is also nice

   6. If you like soaking in mineral springs, Sycamore Springs Resort outside of San Luis Obispo has private hot tubs in each room, and a lovely restaurant which serves produce grown on site. There are lots of beach, hiking, and small coastal town destinations within a short drive. October-November is not high season for them, so the prices should be on the lower end, and they have a range of room sizes/locations.

   7. The Huntington Langham Hotel in Pasadena. Beautiful grounds, full spa, pool, delicious food, cozy bar, good range of cultural options in the area.

2. I live in a very progressive, ‘doom loop’ city, and I’m starting to see a lot of really right-wing views take ahold of my friend group. Most of them pertain on needing more heavy policing of opioids in the community, tougher and harsher punishments for nonviolent crime and opioid sales, blaming homelessness on a lack of policing, maligning homeless people and stating the city needs to recognize they ‘have agency.’ I have also noticed a lot of my Asian friends liking tweets that kind of feel like maligning black people – mostly videos or stories of black-against-asian crime which imply it’s a widespread and underreported issue, or posts gleefully celebrating the end of affirmative action.

   Maybe I am just too left-leaning, but some of these things feel a bit like political views that have already shown to have really devastating consequences. Like mass incarceration as a result of the war on drugs or the criminalization of poverty. I also didn’t realize how many people are anti-affirmative action – to me, the Court decision felt like a tragedy.

   Anyway – has anyone else been seeing any of these types of views become more common? I felt like we were all on the same page about things and it feels like people are shifting more and more into fear-mongering.

   1. I think it’s more nuanced than that. I’m an East Asian first-generation immigrant, which mean I am not diverse enough for affirmative action but I am also too diverse to truly fit in with the UMC/country club crowd. It feels like I cannot win. I cannot complain about black on Asian violence even though there was a lot of that during the recent years and many of my friends (biglaw lawyers included) are even scared to take the subway. If I say anything, it would be racist and “not all black people”. I cannot complain about affirmative action because we are not the right minority. I cannot talk about white privilege in the biglaw because hey Asian T6 grads don’t get discriminated against!

      I don’t support racist views but it’s more nuanced than liking a video about Black on Asian violence is racist.

      1. So you’re scared to take the subway, which clearly is a problem. I’m guessing you aren’t scared because there are Black people riding. Are you scared of homeless people loitering or panhandling? Addicts? People experiencing a mental health crisis and acting weird? Because of street harrassment/catcalling? I’m guessing that most or perhaps all of these are true, and I encourage you to think why is it that the people in these categories (minus the harassment) are often poor, Black, and/or POC? What structures exist preventing them from getting help to not be addicted, homeless, or mentally unwell?

         I don’t think affirmative action is about “winning” anything. It’s about attempting to level the playing field a bit given these structures that exist that make it harder for some people to get help, to get access, or a fair shot often from the very beginning of life, in schools and beyond.

         1. +1 I think this is what makes me a bit uneasy about the whole thing. Our city is maybe 10% black, but 40% of the homeless population is black. It feels like when people talk about homeless people, it becomes shorthand for violence, drug addiction, criminality, people feeling uneasy on the subway. In reality, the majority of unhoused people are not violent. I don’t think people realize the nuance of how damaging it is to conflate all of these separate issues.

            It also isn’t a problem that can be solved with more heavy policing, since most of them aren’t committing crimes (other than being poor and unhoused). I think that’s what makes it feel like dog-whistling. Saying you feel unsafe to take the subway due to black-on-asian crime when the majority of AAPI racially motivated crime is committed by white people feels a bit uneasy-making to me.

            1. IMO, it is dog whistle, whether conscious or not, when the conversation is criminalizing communities with clear structural inequities.

               The hard conversation needs to be “why is it that Black people are 4X as likely to be homeless compared to our overall population? How can we prevent homelessness from happening and support those who are currently homeless in the Black community?” instead of criminalizing it. No one wants to be homeless…criminalizing things doesn’t make them go away. It just makes people have longer and longer CORIs, which is a snowball effect making it harder to access housing, a job, education, etc and become stable.

               Everyone deserves to feel safe on the subway. The way we get there isn’t contributing to the structures that already create inequities.

         2. I agree and support mental health services. But we have not seen any meaningful progress. I can donate all I can but in day to day life, yes my Asian girlfriends and I tend to be more vigilant when we walk past homeless/addicts people (who tend to be black in NYC). Case in point: I had someone spit on me two days ago right outside of the Grand Central with a racial slur. And that person was Black. What would you do in that situation? What if it’s your young daughter coming home from school? What if it’s your aging mother?

            1. Policy setting and community development planning doesn’t happen at that level. It’s structural. It’s not about what to do in that moment. It’s how do we fix the problem so these moments don’t happen.

               There are jerks in every community. I’m a WOC and have often felt uncomfortable walking to work in my 75% white city, when primarily white men on drugs or homeless on the corner start to catcall aggressively, commenting on my curvy body shape (covered by a suit or business attire). I’ve been followed when I ignore them. Sometimes they start insulting me, “oh you think you’re too good for me, too good to say hello? Well you’re not that hot anyway, you’re a fat B…”

               That’s because the demographics of my area aren’t that diverse. My point is this type of problematic behavior happens across all races. The problem is in many communities, Black people are overrepresented among these populations, and the racism trickles in when it’s seen as a Black issue and not a homeless, addict, poverty, mental health issue.

      2. I agree that the issues faced have more nuance than OP made it seem. But I’ll just add that I’m confused and kind of disheartened by the perception that many in my group seem to have that Asians are not and cannot the beneficiaries of affirmative action. I think it mainly has to do with the way in which the current debate has been focused pretty much exclusively on undergraduate admissions, which in my view is a real mistake. I don’t think people realize how white the upper echelons of virtually any profession are. Judge Goodwin Liu ran a study some years ago with the ABA that had some pretty damning statistics about Asian underrepresentation in pretty much any high-ranking area of the legal profession (general counsel seats at major companies, partners at major firms, judicial clerkships, etc) even though Asians tend to be well represented among incoming law school classes.

         1. I commented below, but I saw massive discrimination against Asian students when I was on the hiring committee at my biglaw firm – and this was a firm that patted itself on the back all the time for being super progressive.

            1. We also don’t see Asians represented, let alone overrepresented, in the judiciary, Congress, or in state legislatures either.

         2. This. It is only because of more recent representation in TV and movies of Asian people that I even realized how absent they have been literally everywhere.

            1. YES

               It’s about time.

         3. In my city, I feel like people tend to view Asians as a monolith who don’t even “count” for diversity purposes. My kids go to school with Asian kids who are the children of well-heeled professionals in nice houses AND Asian kids with very poor parents who work all the time so can’t help with homework/applying to college/navigating our large urban public school. It’s disheartening and not a little racist to hear white people talk about certain schools as “too Asian.”

      3. I’m a white eastern european immigrant who grew up with a lot of Asian friends. A lot of my friends feel the same way that you do, Anon for This @ 2:15. And frankly I feel similarly in a lot of ways — though of course being white means I experience wayyy less discrimination than my Asian friends (but not zero — I have a weird foreign name that everyone has to comment on). The discrimination that my Asian lawyer friends have experienced in professional settings is frankly epic.

         1. I have an adopted Asian daughter and she would agree with you Anon for This @2:15

            1. My niece is Asian and lives in California in an area where she doesn’t experience much daily racism, but yes for sure she and her Asian classmates feel that it is about time there is more sensitivity in their wider community. The college application process was startling for her, and she knows she is moving to another part of the country where her negatives experiences are going to skyrocket. I’m kind of worried for her.

   2. Something like 70% of people don’t think race should be a factor in college admissions. (I wish I could find more detailed polling, such as how many think that poverty, working during the school year to make money for one’s family, adverse circumstances such as foster care, etc., should be a factor.)

      1. The thing is that admissions is now afraid to so much as use “proxies” for race. And how many adverse circumstances wouldn’t serve partly as proxies for race?

         1. Actually most of the elite colleges are pretty outspoken that they are *not* afraid to use difficult life circumstances as a proxy in admissions via things like adversity scores. That is literally the solution being proposed by most of them.

            1. Exactly.

            2. Maybe the private schools. The public school that lost the case has already said they will avoid proxies.

            3. Well, right, they cannot use proxies for race, so that’s what the institutions say. But they can use adversity and discriminatory experiences and socioeconomic deprivation of individual candidates, all of which may disproportionately affect black applicants (for example) but which also can apply to applicants from other groups.

            4. I guess I hope that adversity and discriminatory experiences and socioeconomic deprivation won’t count legally as proxies for race, but statistically where I live they would help a school select for race so I’m not sure what else proxy is supposed to mean?

               I’m concerned that applicants of all race backgrounds who have faced adversity, discriminatory experiences, and socioeconomic deprivation will be negatively affected and the safest choice in admissions will be a applicant of unknown race without that background.

      2. Yep. Opposing the use of race in college admissions actually *is* the mainstream view. There is actually no racial group in this country where the majority support it. Even in the black community, which is the most supportive, polling shows that the majority either oppose it or are unsure.

         1. Also, I saw so much discrimination against Asians when I was on the hiring committee at my biglaw firm – and it was exactly the kind of stuff described in the Harvard case, like describing applicants with outstanding credentials as “flat,” “lacking charisma,” “not a good fit” – that I would not blame many Asians for feeling like the current system is heavily biased against them, especially in elite institutions.

            1. The shortlive series on Netflix addressed this so well.

   3. I’m in a similar city, and it’s hard. There aren’t enough treatment facility beds for those addicted to opioids. There isn’t enough affordable housing. There aren’t enough living wage jobs. There aren’t enough mental health providers (I’ve experienced this in my own family). These all intersect in really difficult ways. I’ve heard friends oppose more because “we are already shouldering too much, and other towns need to step up”. But we live in a state capital and rural or suburban areas outside don’t even have bus service. I don’t see how you can expect a treatment facility to open up somewhere that no one could get to. So then the lack of transportation also becomes a challenge…no simple answers.

      1. Agree.

         There are no simple answers. We are fighting about the wrong questions. And we never will get fruitful discussions and legislation at the national level in this climate. And once we see major urban democratic cities like NYC, San Francisco etc… becoming overwhelmed and making a mess of things, it seems hopeless.

         Without massive changes in taxation, funding of social programs, and values that we decide to embrace as a society we will NEVER solve the homeless/addiction/mental health/petty crime soup of issues, now compounded by immigration and complicated by race. It is a huge, huge very expensive problem. I mean, we can’t even agree on equitable and safe schools for children. For CHILDREN. If we don’t care about spending enough money to feed and education and protect children, how the heck will we ever invest the capital in making life more “fair”, which has never been part of the American legacy.

         And sadly, it is cost effective for society to make this investment in the long run. But we don’t do a good job investing for the long run.

         OP – your anger is misdirected. It is not fair to make sweeping generalizations as you are. You must realize that none of these issues is black or white? And your anger just alienates, and your demands sound so insensitive and ignorant.

         1. The homeless industrial complex and harm reduction programs are soaking up a lot of the funds instead of the money actually helping people. There is a lot of money already sloshing around, and it’s naive not to realize that some “helpers” are benefiting from maintaining the current status.

   4. It’s tough. While violent crime rates are now finally trending down, it’s just a fact that many cities feel much less safe than they did a few years ago. Portland and other West Coast cities have been transformed by drug use and homelessness. People are really tired of letting the rights of the few outweigh the rights of the many, even if the homeless/drug addicted themselves are not to blame. I don’t think it’s fair to ask people to sacrifice a sense of wellbeing and safety in the name of political correctness. On the other hand, people should make sure they are aware of the actual facts on the ground and not just absorbing right-wing talking points. Violent crime is going down. Other types of crime may be trending up. Drug use is certainly rampant.

      I agree with you about AA, but if your friends are largely from Asian backgrounds, you can understand why they might think this is a victory for their ethnic group. Similarly you can understand why there might be a lot of fear about anti-Asian attacks, and if many of those attacks were perpetrated by other racial minorities, well, you can’t expect them to be quiet about the attacks just so as not to offend anyone. But again, if the attacks by minorities are getting way more publicity than attacks by whites against Asians, that’s a huge problem with our media environment.

      1. One thing I find interesting is that yes, violent crime is going down but with the rise of homelessness, drug use, and individuals who seem to be undergoing a mental health crisis on the streets rising is that many of my friends and I who live downtown no longer feel safe using public transportation or walking home after a certain time. There are a lot less commuters in my city too. So, while crime may be down I wonder if it is also because because there are less “targets”.

         I am usually the “let’s walk” friend, but I’ve seen a few creepy things lately that is not only making me Uber but is also making me choose Uber earlier and earlier in the evening.

         1. I rarely go into the office now. I think a lot of the feeling of being alone and unsafe is due to WFH removing people from once bustling downtowns where no one lives.

            1. Anon at 3:54 here – I live downtown as do most of my friends. I have to go into the office 4 days a week, many but not all of my friends have to go in 1-2 days a week. One thing I do find annoying is suburbanites who have never lived in the city are now afraid to come to work in the city. Crime overall is down in my city but there’s this odd fear mongering from suburbanites (including my parents and their friends) about how bad the city is despite never being in the city.

               My city definitely has a crime problem but not in the business district and not during daylight hours. People commuting to work are totally fine.

               But, people refusing to come to the city are part of the problem. Your once bustling downtown would be bustling again if you came to the office a few days a week, commuted, and patronized local businesses.

               I fully admit I don’t feel as safe as I did pre-pandemic, but that’s mostly after 10PM or so. Public transportation in my city is now downright disgusting and somewhat unsafe. Ofc, if more people were commuting on it it would feel much safer (sure, maybe there’s still 5 individuals committing crimes on the train but now there are 10 bystanders whereas pre-pandemic there were 100. And more bystanders will ALWAYS feels safer to me).

            2. Anon @5 (and 3:54) – co-sign all of this.

               I have zero patience for people who spend no time in NYC telling me about NYC or you asking me “are you thinking of leaving” every time I see them. I have started asking them if they’re thinking of moving every time they lose power because of a rain storm or a serial killer is discovered in their neck of the woods.

   5. I’m noticing some of the same things but in a blue island in a purple state. To me it feels like a lot of people whose progressivism was superficial are just taking off the mask? In other cases it feels like people are anxious to protect their own fragile and hard won status (like “the trans movement has gone too far” opinions in formerly LGBTQ circles). Around here people who personally identify as progressive still don’t like the police, but while it feels like the Democrats have been eager to prove that they’re not going to “defund the police,” the idea that the police were defunded and that’s the problem with everything is common.

      I would guess that some Asian people’s views on admissions are shaped by the history of anti-Asian discrimination in admissions and understand how that could be a complicated set of feelings. That feels different to me from the narrative about crime (you said “Tweets” and I wonder if what you’re seeing online has anything to do with Elon’s new Twitter algorithm?).

      But part of it is my fault for avoiding people who are left of me because a lot of their views have gotten weird too (prison abolitionists who think women are just going to have to put up with some violence or that the criminalization of poverty means that crime isn’t an issue when no one is poor; tankies who somehow think that buying into Russian propaganda about Ukraine helps fight capitalism; and then all the left anti-semitism which I realize is a lot more theoretical than right antisemitism, but it’s all happening at once).

   6. Maybe this will sound harsh but this comes across as extremely sheltered and naive. None of these views read as “really right wing” to me…they’re certainly not progressive, but I think Donald Trump and others in the Republican Party have many more problematic views.

      I do think that the rise of homelessness in cities like Portland has contributed to a shift in views, because at the end of the day NIMBYism is real. It’s very different to support something in theory than to have it impact your day-to-day life/feeling of safety.

      Also, I believe it was Asian students who initially sued Harvard about affirmative action? Most people would say that Asian students got the short end of the stick from affirmative action, so that sentiment is utterly unsurprising to me. And in general, I think it is a sad reality that different minority communities can be extremely bigoted against other minority communities. I think it’s a (mostly) unconscious way of “belonging” – e.g. that group is even more “other” than I am. This happened in the 1800s with the Irish when the Italians came (or maybe it was the other way around) and has continued ever since. One of my best friends growing up was Cuban, and her family always said terrible things about other immigrants, particularly Mexicans. As a global society, these biases will always exist. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight against them and call them out, and I think it’s gotten infinitely better over the last several decades, but it is not at all surprising that it continues to exist.

      If you want to better understand your friends’ viewpoints (and potentially shift their thinking) I would just ask them a lot of open-ended questions. Why do you think that? How would harsher sentences help? Where have you seen that be successful? You won’t be able to change their minds by telling them they’re wrong (and it doesn’t sound like you plan to do that), but you might be able to lead them to that conclusion on their own if you’re lucky.

      1. The divide and conquer of immigrants against immigrants is a tool of white supremacy, saying that privilege and power is a zero sum game and proximity to whiteness is something that only a few can possess. In the case of Cubans v. Mexicans, it largely is racism because historically, until very recently, most Cuban immigrants were white and most Mexican immigrants are indigenous or mestizo mixed race.

         1. Hard agree (and said much more eloquently than me). And accurate, in the case of my friend – her family is white-passing.

         2. Yup it’s racism. My Cuban ex-bf’s family had an official ranking order of Spanish speaking immigrants, and it was basically how white you are (I don’t remember the full list but Cubans were on top and Mexicans were above people like Nicaraguans and Hondurans).
            They blamed ALL of Miami’s problems on the “lesser” immigrants. It did not surprise me at all that Cubans as a group went for Trump in a big way.

   7. This is typically the reason why people say they become Republicans in older age – the status quo is good, you’ve seen enough to solidify/create stereotypes, etc.

      I just had a convo last week with friends who are teachers in a very liberal blue bubble and they were telling me the pronoun stuff is completely out of control, that they have to ask kids on a DAILY basis what their pronouns are and if not they get a nasty letter in their file about it. they teach 4th and 6th.

      OP – Are you in Portland or Seattle? The NYT just had a story about how the change to not policing minor drug offenses has led to a “homeless addict’s paradise.” I strongly oppose the drug on wars and it was an eye opening story.

      1. The thing is not *policing* those minor offenses IS the right move, but you also have to have the social services in place to do *something* and nobody wants to pay for those.

         1. +1 jails were becoming containment spaces for addicts who really need rehab. Now that they aren’t being warehoused in jails, they are out on the streets because…still not enough rehabs.

         2. This. So much this. Follow the money and it has NOT gone to increasing social services to combat the root of the homeless problem.

      2. Interesting, most of my family become more liberal as they age because they see the status quo actually isn’t working, increasingly, for more and more people. My parents in their 70s are basically socialists at this point.

      3. I read that story in the NYT with great interest, as I have a friend who lives in Portland and loves Portland, and feels drug decriminalization – which he supported, initially – has functionally destroyed the city’s downtown. He is now involved in efforts to repeal the law that decriminalized drugs because things are so out of control – his office did an RTO, and then let everyone go back to full-time WFH because there were so many incidents of violence that happened to employees walking to work, including a woman who had to go to the hospital after having a glass bottle broken over her head. He has always been left-of-center, like me, but to put it bluntly: empathy has limits. I have addicts in my family; I understand addiction is a disease. But we have proof positive, in Portland, that decriminalization (I don’t care how poorly it was done or how the money wasn’t appropriated right or blah blah blah) does not work to reduce drug harms. It is not humane to allow addicts to use and use and use until they overdose in a tent and lay dead for days before anyone notices.

         I consider myself a liberal and a Democrat, and I think we have taken empathy too far. Cities belong to ALL citizens; they cannot be run solely for the benefit of the homeless and the addicted, which feels like what’s happening. Homeless people are taxpayers too (sales tax) but when we’re allowing one segment of taxpayers to completely overtake areas and shut out everyone else? Nah, fam. We’re supposed to figure out how everyone can live together cooperatively, and enforce basic standards of productive social behavior for EVERYONE, not allow people with severe problems to shoot up and sh*t on the sidewalks and just shake our heads and say “poor thing, but there’s nothing we can do.” We can do something, and if that means disallowing sidewalk camping and insisting that people either take their encampments off the beaten path or go to a shelter? I am fine with that. No one – none of us – have a right to live however we want, without consideration of others.

         1. Agree 100%.

         2. I live in Portland, the city not a suburb. Measure 110 to decriminalize drugs has been a huge mistake. Like many of the progressive policies here, there has been little follow through of to actually implement and help people. The voters were sold on the do-gooder, warm fuzzy promises of helping addicts into rehabilitation. Open air markets abound. We have a homeless tax that collected 250 million the first year and much of that can’t seem to be agreed upon how to best spend. Everyone thinks they’ve got the right idea while our homeless population is growing and growing, crime is up and honestly the city looks terrible. I pay a very high tax rate and I have no problem with that if people are actually being helped, the city is clean, streets and infrastructure improved and schools are great. None of this is true and I refuse to vote for any more “feel good” taxes. The very progressive dems of Portland have ruined this city.

            1. We’ve had a similar problem in LA. For years and years, we’ve been approving bonds and sales tax increases that are supposed to help the homeless yet the housing never seems to get built (or built at a tremendously high cost).

      4. My 20 year old comments the longer she lives in Portland the more more conservative she becomes…me too

   8. “I felt like we were all on the same page about things.” You need to get your news from more sources or expand your social horizons if you think everyone around you shares your views. Or it’s possible that the tangible negative impacts of progressive policies have made people reconsider their opinion. I live in a blue city within a blue state and people are fed up with crime and homelessness. It’s impacting their day to day lives more than ever. Of course rising income inequality, a lack of housing for the growing US population, and the shuttering of mental institutions are major contributing factors, and these issues can’t immediately be resolved. But many people believe that progressive policies have produced immediate devastating consequences.

      You’re painting all POC with a broad brush if you’re shocked that some Asian people hold racist views or that many people, including POC, disagree with affirmative action. My SO has benefitted from affirmative action but was glad to see it eliminated. You don’t necessarily have the “correct” opinion. This naive attitude is why the Democrats have lost much of their blue collar base. I say this as a Democrat: you need to open your eyes and start taking opposing viewpoints seriously.

      1. +1 to all of this!

         Also, to the comment thread, referencing NIMBYism, I think that is off base.

         It’s not wrong to oppose open air drug markets and rising crime in your neighborhood.

         I live in the SF Bay Area and the problems are easy to see when you visit San Francisco or Oakland but it even is bleeding into some of the generally quieter suburbs. There’s been a rise in home invasions, burglaries outside of your home (being followed home is a common theme) and car jacking or attempted car jackings in quiet suburbs.

         I have always considered myself a Dem but I think the extreme progressive views are starting to show cracks and it’s pushing people away from embracing them without question.

         1. Do you think progressives want home invasions and burglaries? Ofc not. No one does. The cracks are showing because there decriminalizing isn’t enough, and money and resources to address mental and behavioral health are still needed.

            1. California spends billions per year on homelessness and the problems continue to get worse.

            2. + 1000 I’m also in the Bay Area and not in the quiet burbs (I’m in South Berkeley) and completely agree. Further marginalizing the downtrodden is not the answer. I feel like with the widening gap between the haves and the have-nots, we’re on the brink of some sort of modern-day French Revolution. Not literally, but the rage is there.

            3. Yes–as someone who works in an adjacent health care field, honestly the resources needed to adequately address this are just far, far beyond what anyone is willing to consider. Often, “beds” in treatment are technically available, but there’s no one to staff them–and that problem is going to get worse before it gets better. I’m concerned that the current situation, with some decriminalized areas and nowhere near enough services for people, is going to turn into a political justification for a return to the “war on drugs.”

            4. SO YOU NEED TO BE SCREAMING ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS.

               We should be talking every single day to politicians, the news, our neighbors, our local governments about higher taxes particularly for the rich and be willing to pay them ourselves. We have to seek out government corruption/buying judges and senators/the wheeling and dealing of Washington. And vote, vote, vote and participate in your communities.

               THE MONEY IS THE PROBLEM. It’s always the underlying problem.

               Republicans love distracting us with absolutely everything else so we forget that. And Democrats take the bait every time. Every time.

            5. If anyone is interested in a deeper dive on homelessness, I strongly recommend the book The Value of Homelessness by Craig Willse. He wrote it as a sociologist, but also worked in homeless shelters.

         2. CA needs 2.5 million more housing units to meet population demand. Spending billions won’t help when there isn’t enough housing due to generations of bad policies that haven’t kept pace with population growth.

            1. I second this.

               It’s incredible to me that people seem to think that just throwing more money at this is the answer. California is in the brink of being a failed state. I’m certainly not willing to give them even more cash to hope they produce better results than the previous decades.

               I love living in CA but at this point it feels like setting money on fire and I can see why people are fleeing the state in droves.

      2. Because we aren’t willing to actually say that people who work in behavioral health services, including those who are teaching the next generation of behavioral health workers, are worth higher salaries. People are coming out of education with debt that cannot be paid by low salaries. So why go into a field that is incredibly stressful and underpaid? Our culture values C suite executives and lawyers far more than folks who would actually support the services that everyone agrees are needed. We have 50% the amount of adolescent psychs we need in this country. FIFTY PERCENT. We do not have the staff to handle the crises. And punitive solutions or not allowing camping or whatever don’t actually solve the problem–they just make it invisible so that upper middle class and onward folks don’t have to deal with the impacts that the culture they are buying into creates. I mean jesus. As long as we aren’t inconvenienced or we don’t have to see the impacts of late-stage capitalism we are FINE with it and the absolute damage it causes on our fellow humans. No, things are not well-handled now. AND if we don’t actually start paying people living wages and stop with having multiple homes before others have even one, we will just keep trying to shut our eyes and shunt this problem onto other locations where we don’t have to see it.

   9. I agree that it’s all nuanced and complicated.
      I also don’t think you’re imagining it. I see it a lot in supposedly progressive and liberal NYC. For example, there are many parents at my kids’ school who are paranoid about CRT which isn’t even happening and isn’t something they can define, yet they are convinced their kids are being brainwashed. Many are also very upset about the possibility of congestion pricing because they all like to drive even though we live in one of the most walkable and public transport friendly cities in the country. None of them like to take the subway and they all go on the citizen app and text each other about every random bit of crime that they think means the city is out of control. As someone who grew up here, it seems hysterical to me – crime is objectively lower than when I was taking the subway to school as a kid but we didn’t have the citizen app back then to alert us anytime someone got mugged either.

      I think part of it is the issue is that most of us are not that into the nuances of public policy and, in broad strokes, while “broken windows” and zero tolerance policing practices had a lot of serious and tragic downsides, they also worked well for many people, your friend group included. Most people just aren’t that into the politics or policy. They live in a liberal-ish place and they adopt the dominant views without too much thought but only until it stops being convenient and/or dominant. NIMBY and all that.

      Also, just because the old policies had many bad side effects doesn’t mean that the more liberal or progressive policies that replaced them are going to be without consequence. Broken windows policing put a lot of people in jail and ruined lives. But not enforcing those minor offenses like shoplifting and fare beating means that people will be more likely to commit those crimes, the subway will generate less revenue and be less pleasant to use, the drugstores will have everything locked away, etc. The pandemic didn’t help, but let’s not act like the policies we have tried are infallible and the only improvement is to do away with jail and police altogether. It’s a balance and I think we are still finding out way.

   10. What do you expect when your insanely liberal city lets homeless drug addicts take over? And do you not recognize your own anti Asian bias here?

       1. OP here – I should have clarified. I’m Southeast Asian and my entire friend group for the most part is South or East Asian. I grew up lower-income in the U.S. (in the metro area of the city we live in), whereas a lot of them grew up very wealthy. None of them are from my city. I guess part of my feeling is that I know my city prior to gentrification, and I know that a lot of the problems have arisen in large part due to gentrification, a housing crisis, and NIMBYism. I also don’t think people who are poor or addicted to drugs are sub-human or fundamentally/irreconcilably different from me, which a lot of my friends seem to. Other states have significantly higher rates of opioid addiction than my city does; the difference is housing affordability in terms of what causes homelessness here.

          1. I feel you, OP. People in my city constantly use language that, if you didn’t have context, you wouldn’t be able to tell if they were talking about a rodent infestation in their house or unhoused people. It’s disgusting, to be honest. It doesn’t matter how bad of a time someone is having, they are still people. My city recently started a team of deputies who do street outreach. Leaving aside how questionable it is to use law enforcement resources for this mission, after a year, they published a report of their activities. The picture was bleak. These deputies did good work, but of nearly 200 individuals who were receptive to information and assistance toward obtaining housing, only 15 actually made it into permanent supportive housing. FIFTEEN OF 200. When the resources aren’t there, nothing changes. Treating our neighbors like animals doesn’t help the problem. Housing our neighbors does.

       2. Take over? So curious that homeless drug addicts now hold the power and continue to remain homeless drug addicts…hmmm…

          1. Yes – haven’t you heard? They are an organized, militarized force invading your streets. We must fight them with all we have.

             1. Im a liberal person living in a liberal city. It is just not accurate or helpful to make a joke of this in this way. No one thinks people who are homeless are taking over because they have a well organized lobby. But when you actually have to step over human beings to get to work or walk your dog or get coffee, yes, it does feel like this crisis is “taking over” our streets and public spaces. I suspect that people who make comments like yours don’t actually experience the direct effects of the increases in homelessness and drug addiction. I would be all for higher taxes and more shelters in my neighborhood to make the problem go away, but step 1 is recognizing that it is a problem.

       3. “Lets homeless drug addicts take over” – they are not being homeless or struggling with addiction at anyone. The reason this largely afflicts wealthy US cities is due to housing costs, not a lack of policing. What do you propose we do with them? Provide adequate social services? Or just imprison them all? The former is a left-wing policy; the latter is a right-wing talking point without any basis in feasible policy.

          1. It makes me so sad some people still perceive drug addiction as a moral failing or a person beyond hope instead of a chemical addiction. Even after opioid manufacturers got sued for marketing what they knew were highly addictive drugs. Even after seeing cocaine everywhere in my Ivy undergrad.

   11. So you describe this as fear-mongering, which carries the assumption that people don’t have real reasons to be afraid, upset, etc. A lot of people do, especially if you live in a city where the degree of homelessness, open drug use, and crime is impacting your quality of life. Any approach to fixing these problems that suggests people just need to put up with stepping around piles of human waste on the sidewalk or watch addicts OD on the sidewalk will fail.

       1. Yes, but two of the three things you mentioned (homelessness and open drug use) aren’t threats to people’s safety. They are also things that can’t be effectively treated with heavier policing, since they are issues of systemic inequity, not crime. I think that’s what’s hard – no one likes being confronted with that level of homelessness on a daily basis, but the fear-mongering comes when people act like homeless people are inherently violent or that they make our streets less safe. Or that policing will solve the issue.

          1. Drug use threatens people’s safety. If you don’t believe it, you have never seen someone high as a kite and violent.

             1. +1000

             2. Or coming down and looking for someone to rob.

          2. People on drugs are unpredictable, and therefore make a lot of people feel unsafe. As a liberal, these kind of viewpoints are the reason we’re not doing better in national races. I agree that the answer is not heavier policing, but just pretending that having someone high out of their mind walking around is not a valid safety concern is absurd.

          3. Of course they are. And it’s stupid statements like this that make people say y’all are crazy and we just need more cops.

             1. +1

          4. Open drug use not a safety issue? Lol.

          5. I categorically disagree that drug use, and to a lesser extent, homelessness is due to systemic inequities. People spout that nonsense to alleviate their own guilt and lack of ability to hold people responsible. People are responsible for the consequences of their choices and actions. Please read the NYT articles this week about Portland and note that that their progressive laws have attracted people who want to do drugs on the streets, and that drug users turn down beds and shelters.

             You get what you enable, and as long as cities enable open drug use and living in our streets, the more of it we are going to have.

             1. What a hopeless outlook. This punitive attitude is not actually helping addicts; you sound like you just want these people out of sight and out of mind.

             2. Hmmm…reading that article now. Did we read the same article? I kept seeing that decriminalization didn’t result in the much needed money for treatment and resources, still in short supply. I didn’t see anything about drug users gleefully skipping to Portland to openly use in the streets.

                “Monthslong waiting lists for treatment continue to lengthen.”
                “Solara Salazar, a director of Cielo Treatment Center, which serves young adults in Portland, now receives about 20 inquiries a day about rehab services. “And the majority of them we can’t help,” she said.”
                “Oregon’s Medicaid patients can wait months for a treatment bed, she and others said.”

                “Funding for Measure 110’s promise of increased services comes from Oregon’s marijuana tax revenues. After a slow start, more than $265 million has flowed to programs that try to make drug use safer by providing clean needles and test strips, offer culturally specific peer support and provide shelter for people newly in recovery. But residential treatment for addiction has yet to be substantially expanded.”

                “Yet critics of 110 say that few drug users who received $100 fines sought rehab. Ms. Salazar rejects that claim. “The story out there is, ‘Measure 110 doesn’t work because people don’t want treatment.’ That is simply not true,” she said.”

             3. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/31/health/portland-oregon-drugs.html

             4. Acting like our choices and actions aren’t affected by societal inequalities is delusional.

       2. Who said it was either acceptance or criminalization driven by fear mongering? I live in a doom loop, HCOL city with a big homelessness, drug, and sex worker and trafficking skid row issue. I saw someone OD while driving a car and cause an accident. I’ve seen the human waste walking my dog. I’ve felt scared seeing someone having a mental breakdown or crisis in the library (where many homeless people go because they literally have nowhere else to go to).

          I want more leadership, more funding, more support to increase social and medical services to help people, not just lock them up and keep tearing down their tents. Criminalization hasn’t worked yet.

   12. For anyone who wants to meaningfully tackle the housing crisis, one easy step: stop using AirBNB.

       1. We need a lot more to change than this.

          1. Yes, but I agree with the statement. Don’t use short-term rentals, don’t offer them in your own properties, and advocate/vote against them in your city. I’m at the lower end of earners on this board, and the only thing about that that bothers me, ever, is the fact that I can barely afford to live in my cute and scenic hometown. Short-term rentals are a huge housing barrier here.

             1. I do avoid AirBnBs that directly compete with housing (apartments, houses in neighborhoods that don’t already have a lot of vacant housing).

                I’m okay with staying in ADUs and don’t see how it’s reducing available housing unless we really want people to live long term in ADUs?

                I’ve seen historic homes in undesirable, underpopulated neighborhoods saved by becoming AirBnBs, and I find it hard to feel bad about that even if a lot of other things need to change before the house can have a happier fate!

             2. An ADU is just as much an important part of the housing supply as anything else. Sure, people might not stay in them forever, but they’re perfect for younger people or older people who can’t afford to buy. In my increasingly expensive and touristy city, that’s a lot of people. Almost every day I see posts on Nextdoor from people desperately looking for rentals after their landlord has ended their lease, often times to convert to a short term rental. They’re happy to take anything they can afford, and they often explicitly ask if anyone has an ADU for rent.

             3. But why stop at ADUs and not hotels? Hotels could house a lot of people too.

             4. That’s so disingenuous. Obviously hotels are not going to provide long term rentals in the same way that apartments, houses, and ADUs do.

             5. People are still going to travel and need lodging. Hotels have always been an important part of tourism which can be great for the local economy. Airbnb is different. You often have landlords who can make more money renting their apartment out on Airbnb than to residents of the city as a home. We obviously need more affordable housing and I think the problem is only going to get worse. In my former town right outside of NYC the only apartments being built are luxury apartments going for $1-$3M, which is not affordable for most and results in a lot of middle income people leaving, including me.

             6. I think it’s a good thing that people can use short term stays to help make money back on the construction of an in-law suite or ADU that they plan to eventually use to house an older relative. I think that helps the housing situation more than it hurts it.

       2. I agree. You’re just making it easier for investors to buy up housing for investment rather than keeping the housing in the community. You should feel bad about using air bnb and you should stop. That’s what hotels are for.

   13. What is a “doom loop city”?

       1. https://www.bostonglobe.com/2023/06/17/opinion/boston-san-francisco-development-doom-loop/

          This is where I recently learned the term in my city.

3. My perfect little angel cat is sick and I’m worried it’s serious and I’m leaving on Monday to join my husband for three months in his home country because my father-in-law has brain cancer and needs taking care of and also we need to do IVF and it’s much cheaper there. I would just like the universe to give me a gd break. That’s all.

   1. I’m so sorry. I hope you catch a break soon too. You and your husband are doing a great thing for your FIL and his spouse if he has one. Best wishes the IVF goes well <3

   2. Sending you love. I wish I could make things better for you.

   3. Sending you good vibes!

4. I’ve been in diet culture too long – what does a normal day of eating look like for you? I like my FFGY/protein heavy stuff but truly can’t tell what’s a healthy snack or dinner for my kids.

   1. It really varies but a “typical” day is probably pancakes or a muffin for breakfast, eggs or a salad or a frozen Amy’s entree for lunch, and dinner is usually some kind of meat (steak, chicken or fish) with a side of vegetables and maybe bread. I love to bake and eat dessert after dinner every day. Generally I focus more on moving my body and not eating when I’m not hungry vs restricting some types of food. I don’t even know what FFGY means.

   2. Kids aren’t mini-adults when it comes to nutrition. I would suggest seeking out books, blogs, or other sources directed specifically to kids’ nutritional requirements and balanced meals. Your elementary school or pediatrician might be a good place to start.

   3. Meals all contain protein, fiber, and some carbs. Breakfast is oatmeal with blueberries and almond butter. Lunch is usually a poke bowl or steamed veggie dumplings with tofu. Dinner varies. Sometimes it’s a piece of grilled meat with vegetables and rice. Other times it’s pasta with lots of nuts and veggies. My better snacks are nuts, fruit, or a small portion of cheese. If I’m starving I combine carbs with something filling (like olives or cheese with crackers). There’s usually a bit of dark chocolate or a small treat in the afternoon. Due to IBS-D I eat more white grains than I’d prefer. But I rarely eat processed “healthy” food like power bars or protein shakes. I try to focus on whole foods and balanced meals.

   4. Note: I’m not an overly healthy eater but I try to get some fruits and veg (and I eat very little meat, I find it very unappealing as a general rule)
      Breakfast: two scrambled eggs + a toasted slice of sourdough + a 1/4 cup of cheese of choice, coffee with creamer or milk
      Mid Morning snack (occasional, depends on how early the day started) : a serving of nuts + a serving of cheese and a very small sweet treat (a single candy, or 2-3 slices of dried mango, something like that)
      Lunch: grilled cheese + tuna sandwich on nut/rye bread, a crunchy and salty side (serving of seaweed snacks, nuts if I didn’t have those for lunch, serving of crackers) + a fruit/yoghurt/maybe homemade cookie dessert –also varies, sometimes it’s a diet frozen meal or another easy one-step meal. I especially like the chicken or tuna salad with crackers that come in the packs already made.
      Afternoon snack: typically something indulgent: a danish, a fancy coffee, a couple cookies, homemade biscuit with butter, a “flipz” yoghurt with toppings, basically a pick me up. Some days I have a PM snack, some not.
      Dinner: varies–sometimes a salad and a slice of toasted bread, sometimes “deconstructed sushi bowl”, sometimes a brat + bun + fresh salsa, homemade quesadilla, homemade pizza, sometimes a frozen diet meal + a serving of fruit, if it’s summer the “treat” is an in season fruit mocktail like a melon puree-based mocktail over ice. Occasionally a protein smoothie is the main item with a side dish of nuts/cheese or a side-dish from the freezer (like frozen mashed yam with brown sugar or something). Occasionally I’ll have a really indulgent treat: ice cream, candy, something sugary. I’m really trying to cut down on that though.

   5. Breakfast: Greek yogurt, banana, and toast with almond butter; or an egg dish (eggs Florentine with hollandaise; baked eggs with veggies and goat cheese; scrambled eggs with goat cheese, tomatoes, avocado, and toast).

      Lunch: grilled cheese, soup; or something like pan fried tofu on rice noodles with veggies and peanuts.

      Dinner: veggie and black bean quesadillas with avocado and salsa; pasta with Gardein; stir fry with tofu; veggie burgers on pretzel buns; chickpea or black bean tacos.

      Snacks, dessert: I probably eat chocolate two or three times a day. I scarf down nuts, hummus, cheese, etc when I’m hungry and need more protein.

      I have no idea how this stacks up against what other people are eating or I “should” be eating.

   6. Breakfast: overnight oats with apples & walnuts, or chia pudding with blueberries & pepitas, or a greens+fruit smoothie with nuts and seeds
      Lunch: dinner leftovers & a piece of whatever fruit is in season locally
      Snack: a candy bar, fruit snack packet, something junky
      Dinner: chickpea curry with fresh naan bread, or roasted veggies with polenta and goat cheese, or vegetarian lasagna, or any number of other recipes

   7. snacks: chips, crackers, cheese, nuts, coffee drinks

      I eat a lot of Mac n cheese and sandwiches for dinner.

   8. Breakfast is pretty set. A cup of tea with sugar. A big glass of water. A piece of toast. 3 options for the protein – an over-easy egg, a Greek yogurt, or cottage cheese, which I like with some halved Cherry tomatoes. Usually a piece of fruit.

      Lunch is often a sandwich or salad or leftovers from dinner.

      Dinner is sometimes snacking on cheese and sometimes deli meat like salami along with a sliced baguette or crackers. Sometimes it’s something I made. The homemade dinner is usually a stew or soup (we had lentil soup last night) or a simply cooked piece of meat and some veggies. I like roast vegetables so while I have the oven heated up I may also bake some chicken breasts, a tri tip beef roast, or a roast fish of some sort.

      Hope that helps!

      1. *chicken thighs. Ugh, I almost never make chicken breasts. I don’t know why I reflexively typed that.

         I do tend to roast a whole chicken pretty frequently though, so there are breasts involved there, but somehow, maybe it’s my 24 hour + pre-salting, they don’t end up as dry as stand-alone breasts.

   9. No idea if this is helpful, but I’m sitting next to my work week meal planning board so here you go. I do not follow any particular diet other than aiming to include at least one fruit or veggie with every meal. I’ll also caveat that I like to cook (or perhaps more accurately, I like eating tasty food made to my specifications lol) and I don’t have kids, so making dinner every night plus breakfasts and lunches is not usually a heavy lift for me. Also, there’s no one right way to eat, it’s all about figuring out what works for you!

      Breakfasts this week: two freezer waffles topped with PB and banana (x3), whole milk vanilla yogurt with a peach sliced on top, two scrambled eggs topped with cheese and a sliced tomato

      Lunches: leftover pasta with tomatoes, basil, and parm; salad with half an avocado, tomato, cucumber, and half a can of chickpeas (x2); cheese, crackers, and an apple; salad with tomatoes, corn, and feta

      Dinners: pre-made gnocchi roasted on a sheet pan with tomato, zucchini, and yellow squash, topped with parm; chicken breast with a couscous, tomato, and zucchini salad; salad with chicken, strawberries, and feta; salmon with corn and a side salad with tomatoes and avocado; tonight will be Trader Joe’s frozen BBQ teriyaki chicken with a package of frozen Asian veggies stirred in over rice

      Snacks: don’t track these but I’m currently digging dried apricots and mangos, probably had a couple crackers at some point

      Desserts: I don’t have a huge sweet tooth, but I had a tough day yesterday so ate a Klondike bar and imagine I will have at least one more before the week is out :)

      We’re more likely to grab dinner out, chuck a frozen pizza in the oven, grill some red meat for the husband, and/or get takeout on the weekends.

   10. Breakfast: smoothie with almond milk, peanut butter, choc. protein powder, banana, blueberries and cherries. homemade latte with cow’s milk

       Lunch: leftovers or something easy like toast with jam and over easy eggs, a quesadilla, tuna fish sandwich + whatever fruit and veg I have on hand

       Afternoon snack: I like yogurt, premade overnight oats, apple with peanut butter, cheese with some fig jam

       Dinner: varies a lot but big salad with chicken, pasta with chickpeas/lemon/parsley or homemade pesto, pizza with greens, or something easy like a BLT or omelette

       Dessert if I baked something that week or am in the mood for ice cream!

       This is just what I enjoy and there are many definitions of healthy! I love Maintenance Phase and the Intuitive Eating book for diet culture deprogramming.

   11. This has been my day of eating so far:

       Breakfast – black coffee and a frittata with mushrooms, tomatoes and spinach (2-3 eggs for my portion)
       Lunch – leftovers: beef and mushrooms in a cream sauce, with broccoli, sweet potatoes and radishes, water to drink
       Snack – Greek yogurt (plain) with fresh strawberries and bee pollen
       Snack – small bit of leftover steak and broccoli, which reminded me it’s time for dinner
       Dinner – coconut lentil dahl with some added left-over bacon fat, coriander and cheese as toppings.

       Water, tea (hot, unsweetened) and coffee (black, hot, unsweetened) are my drinks.

   12. Breakfast: oatmeal with blueberries, homemade whole grain toast with peanut butter and apple slices or avocado and veggies, bran flakes and oat milk when I’m in a hurry

       Lunch: a veggie heavy pasta or grain salad with beans or a sandwich or burrito with lots of veggies. Today was scrambled tofu, black beans, peppers, onions, and salsa in a whole wheat tortilla.

       Dinner: tonight it’s homemade veggie pizza with cashew cheese, pesto, artichokes, peppers, onions, olives, and sun dried tomatoes

       Snacks and desserts: I like to bake, so I always have muffins (superhero muffins are a staple), bread, fruit and nut bars, and some kind of cookie in the freezer and have one most days. Sometimes a smoothie with frozen fruit or I just eat fresh fruit plain when I have it (it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been grocery shopping so I only have apples and frozen or dried fruit at the moment)

   13. Breakfast: oatmeal with fruit and greek yogurt OR cereal with greek yogurt and some fruit/nuts

       Snack: toast with either PB and strawberries with a hardboiled egg on the side OR toast with a lot of cottage cheese and sliced tomatoes and olive oil and a piece of fruit on the side

       Lunch: leftovers from dinner the night, sometimes scrambled with an egg and a piece of fruit before OR tuna or scrambled eggs on toast with a big helping of raw green veggies and a piece of fruit

       Dinner: protein + 2-3 veggies + carb (think red curry chicken with eggplant and carrots over brown rice; gnocchi with italian sausage, tomatoes, and peppers; paprika salmon served with roasted potatoes and a string beans and mushrooms sauteed with garlic)

       after dinner: something sweet (fruit or ice cream or a piece of chocolate or cookie)

   14. Healthy snacks for me – fruit especially berries, nuts, popcorn. I try not to snack a lot.

       Breakfast – fresh berries (blue/black/rasp) and sometimes mango in skim milk or greek yogurt, cafe au lait
       Lunch (if eat) – finger food medley – cheese or hummus, nuts, tomatoes, carrots, clementine etc..
       Dinner – Lean protein (fish, chicken, tofu, egg) or lentils/chickpeas, 2 vegetables (one usually more starchy), skim milk, fruit for desert (usually citrus). Sometimes a small sweet treat after dinner. Don’t have a lot of grains in my diet…. avoid bread/rice/pasta as I love it and would always over eat, but still have some of them every week and really enjoy them.

       Anytime at all, if I want to eat something – I eat it. If I go out, I eat whatever I want, and usually things I would never cook at home (too hard/too fancy or really not healthy but I love!). If I want a bad for me snack, I go get it and sometimes eat too much of it. So I try not to shop a lot, keep lots of healthy foods ready to eat in the house at all times, and have a wonderful vegetable garden in my yard I love. I keep huge bowls of fresh berries of many kinds in my fridge ready to eat at all times so I can at any moment open the door and eat and they are always wonderful. But that can cost a fortune when you have kids who will eat them all in one day!!!!

   15. For me breakfast is usually coffee with half and half, chia pudding or an egg on whole wheat toast with a side of fruit. Usually I have a smoothie (frozen fruit, chia seeds, plain protein powder, Greek yogurt, almond milk) before the gym too.
       Lunch is usually chicken, brown rice, and veg. In the winter, I do a lot of hearty soup + salad lunches. Lots of grain bowls with tons of toppings. This is my main meal of the day.
       Dinner is usually “girl dinner” (chips and guac, cheese and crackers) or something easy and quick and is definitely my least healthy meal of the day. If I didn’t have eggs for breakfast, a fried egg with avocado on whole wheat toast with a side salad is usually my go to. Or, chickpea pasta and sauce. I am trying to have more “real meals” for dinner but it’s not terribly successful.

       I eat a fair amount of snacks; every day I have fresh fruit for my AM snack and an afternoon snack that’s baby carrots or celery sticks or something with dip. Other snacks include nuts, babybel cheese, a Chobani, or pretzels.

       I usually have a glass of wine with dinner and some ice cream after dinner.

       I’ve worked with a dietician to refine my eating.

       To me a healthy meal has a protein, whole wheat carb, and plenty of fruit or veggies. Two things I try to focus on: “adding” good things rather than getting rid of unhealthy foods and leaning into my cravings. I know if I really want chocolate and I don’t give in that chocolate craving isn’t going away so I will still have it later. Its better to just give me what I want.

       1. Adding – I have a convenience freezer meal probably weekly (usually a Stouffer’s meal or frozen pizza). I don’t get take out for financial rasons and only go out to eat when I’m socializing (which is pretty frequently) and when I eat out I order whatever I want, regardless of if its healthy

   16. I’m super boring.

       Morning: 3/4 cup serving of Chobani vanilla yogurt (from the big tub) and a Clif Z bar (I got addicted to these when my kid was young; they’re a great breakfast). Iced coffee with oat milk.

       Midmorning I might have half a handful of peanuts or a cube or two of cheese if I get hungry before lunch.

       Lunch: I either have a salad with leftover grilled protein from a previous dinner or I have a grilled cheese sandwich on whole-grain GF bread with tomato soup. Every once in awhile, I go crazy and will make a frozen Amy’s Broccoli and Cheddar Pasta Bowl. But those are literally the only three things I ever have for lunch. I do sometimes mix up the cheese in the grilled cheese sandwich, or throw some kind of different vegetable into the salad.

       Afternoon: I have an iced coffee with oat milk and I sometimes mix a scoop of vanilla protein powder in it. If I don’t want caffeine, I do a half a package of Carnation Instant Breakfast mixed with half oat milk, half water, and ice.

       Dinner: I eat with my family so it’s generally some variation of meat, starch, vegetable although I’m getting better at getting my husband and son to forgo the starch. So grilled chicken, piece of fish, lean steak + grilled or roasted veggie or a salad + rice or GF pasta on the side. Other dinners are tacos or fajitas, enchiladas with beans and salad, or I make stir fry. But I went through a phase where I was making stir-fry a lot, like all the time, and people got sick of it, so I haven’t done that in awhile. I occasionally make Thai red curry but that’s a process, so it doesn’t happen much.

       After dinner I have a dark Hershey’s kiss or two, or in the winter I make cocoa with just cocoa powder, oat milk, and a little bit of honey.

       My whole thing any more is that I’m tired of thinking about what to eat and I just eat the same thing over and over because it’s so much easier than getting creative and trying to figure out what to do. Food really doesn’t thrill me any more, it’s just fuel, so I try to pick the healthiest fuel I can and then otherwise I don’t think about it.

   17. Breakfast: a glass of milk and a piece of fruit
       Lunch and Dinner: (Ideally) 50% veggies/fiber, 25% protein, 25% grains/carbs
       Healthy snacks- yogurt, nuts, fruit, etc

       This is more or less the plan that a nutritionist gave me years ago. I really don’t do breakfast so she suggested the bare minimum.

   18. Skip breakfast.

       Steak and vegetables or a whole chicken breast and sweet potato chips for lunch

       Pad Thai or French casserole for dinner about 7pm

       Hot chocolate with coconut cream or turmeric latte, with a chocolate biscuit or perhaps a dessert. Two mandarins.

       No caffeine, no gluten, no dairy, no nightshades for an autoimmune disease.

       Perimenopause, will usually eat a LOT more in the lead up and during my period – for example adding in breakfast (a big one like bacon and eggs) and quinoa toast between meals.

       1. Did you work with your rheumatologist/gastroenterologist about changing your diet? Or did you do this on your own?

          Has it affected your general health (ex. blood sugar, cholesterol, blood pressure, weight) at all? I could see it going either way.

          1. It was my gastroenterologist’s suggestion (restricted ingredients, not skipping breakfast) and it has helped a lot with fatigue, blood sugar and pain. Worth the hassle.

             I have a lot more variety to me meals than I’ve listed, but they are big sized protein and veg meals or soups,

5. I’m being cyber stalked by Woolx and Wool&. Any comments on quality? One of them has a series of ads showing how easy it is to pack light with their products so I’m very intrigued.

   1. I have the Kalle ponte dress in black & love it! Washes beautifully, packs well, does not collect pet hair.
      In winter I wear a thin turtle under it, spring & fall a long sleeve tee. It has been a workhorse.Looks good with
      dress shoes, and with blundstones.

   2. I remember hearing about the Wool& 100 day challenge years ago, and it really weirded me out. I’m way too messy to wear 1 clothing item for 100 days. I would be handwashing every night…

   3. I really want one but they don’t have v neck tees right?

      1. They do! That’s what I’m considering for my first purchase.

   4. I have a pair of black culotte pants from Wool& and love them. They drape beautifully, can be dressed up remarkably well given how comfortable they are, and don’t show signs of wear after a couple of years. I would get another pair if they came in full length or another color that works well with my wardrobe.

6. Curious who here gets fillers/Botox or other regular dermatological care?

   I’m 39 and have been getting a small amount of Botox on my forehead for the last years and am pleased with the results. Considering getting a subtle amount of filler on my upper lip but am concerned about it going haywire/turning into fish lips.

   Other than that, I stick with Neutrogena Hydrogel sunscreen and their retinol/peptide/vitamin c products along with a hat and sunglasses when out in the sun for a long time.

   1. I’ve been watching Real Housewives and it just feels like the bad lip filler looks so weird that it’s not worth it. I’m sure there are women with lip filler who I don’t know have it since it looks so natural, but even the Kardashians look puffy and fish-lipped in paparazzi photos. If they can afford the top of the line and still wind up with the filler-face effect, I wouldn’t risk it with my local medspa.

      1. My niece, who I think is too young for these things in her 20s, got lip filler. The first time looked pretty nice. Now she looks like a blow up doll. It’s a slippery slope.

         1. +1

            Be very careful about letting anyone touch your lips. It almost never ends well. Unless you want people to know what you are doing, and to be unable to stop staring at it every time they look at you….

   2. I’m 33 and last year got forehead botox, then decided it’s too expensive / too early and haven’t gotten it again since (though I did like my results). Instead I got bangs, haha.

      I know some people like it, but my very personal opinion is that lip fillers look terrible on everyone.

      Otherwise I use tretinoin, rx antibiotic ointment, and double cleanse every night with a balm and foaming cleanser to keep my hormonal acne from taking over. Also sunscreen.

   3. I get botox 2-3 times a year and have done in-office laser procedures for some acne/hyperpigmentation issues. 10/10 would recommend both – I wasted way too much time and energy on skincare when in reality nothing but lasers were ever going to solve the skin tone issue.
      I’d follow fifty shades of snail or pillowtalk derm on Insta and/or deep dive into their blogs for a routine/tips. Essentially – I go ‘cheap and effective’ on skincare (differin, vanicare, asian sunblock, CosRX for a heavy moisturizer) and save my dollars on medical interventions that skincare will never fix (deep lines, heavy discoloration, etc.).

   4. I’m 58. I got botox starting around 40 and gave it up just before the pandemic. I loved it, I loved the calm feeling of not being able to frown and squint as much. I only got it in my forehead. Unfortunately, my well-known derm kept insisting that I needed a little dab at the arch of my eyebrows to give them a “youthful lift” and I kept going along with it and hating the surprised look it gave me. The last time I went in I really insisted on only the 11s, and she said we weren’t a good fit for each other. Haha. I figured it was time to quit.

   5. Late 50s – using Botox since 40/41, added Voluma (lips and parentheses) around 50 for a couple years but not any more, added Voluma in cheekbones to counteract sagging mid-50s. My biggest takeaway/suggestion is to go to a dermatologist (not a beauty person or anyone else) with LOTS of experience doing this every day. That is the way to get natural/subtle results that are safe.

   6. 43 and been getting Botox regularly for my 11s consistently since my mid-30s except during the first two years of CV19. At this point in my life, those 11s were the only thing about my body I still get grumpy about. It’s 100% worth it to me and I have no desire to do any other injections/fillers, etc.

      Otherwise, my skin care is CeraVe bar soap, Sunday Riley Good Genes lactic acid, CEO Vit C, and Luna Night Oil, plus Dermatologica daily exfoliant, and of course sunscreen, always. I use Supergoop unseen plus Sun Bum 30 spf tinted moisturizer.

   7. I just turned 49 and have been doing Botox since my mid 30s.

      I do Botox, filler (around my mouth and chin area), I also do IPL facials.

      Last time I went in she did a “lip liner” filler around my mouth to just slightly plump my lips. Definitely not the blow up doll look. It looks very nice.
      Now that I look around I think tons of people including young girls are doing it.
      People constantly comment on how nice my skin looks.

7. It’s our 13th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. I’m at a loss as to what to get my partner and what we should do. We like to travel and be outdoors. Unfortunately we live in TX and have three small kids. I guess I should ask a sitter if she can watch them overnight. Any creative ideas? We could go to dinner but that’s kind of boring.

   1. If you want to do a trip, the Hyatt resorts (lost pines and the san antonio one) have good kids programs and baby sitting available. Otherwise if you are in Houston, there is a fun make your own accent rug thing that’s floating around lately.

8. Do you wear different headphones based on where you are? Was worrying about my AirPods falling into subway grates the other day shopping in nyc

   1. I do not, but my AirPods also only fall out of my ears if I’m messing with them. If yours fall out unexpectedly, may want to make sure you’re using the right size tip.

   2. No but prefer my Beats with the behind the neck strap to airpods. If you’re worried about losing Airpods, I saw someone with a strap holding them the other day. You could use it when you have a particular concern?

      1. Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Magnetic-Anti-Lost-AirPods-Colorful-Silicone/dp/B089B5T9L7/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=airpod+neck+holder&qid=1691785824&sprefix=air+pod+neck%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-3

   3. Yes. I never take my airpods out of the house.

   4. This is why I only wear earbuds that connect to each other. I know I would lose an AirPod in a day.

9. TW: pregnancy

   Has anyone else ever gotten a positive pregnancy test and been immediately filled with rage at the contradictory, moving-standards guidance that seems based on eliminating even the smallest fraction of risk possible?

   Probably externalizing some feelings here. My first prenatal appointment is on Monday. I have Expecting Better on hold at the library.

   1. Oh, absolutely. And risks to the baby are considered, but benefits to the mother are not.

      1. This continues once the child is born.
         Sincerely,
         A mom who almost died taking domperidone after an emergency c-section

   2. That’s literally the intro to Expecting Better.. Oster getting a positive test result and immediately needing to figure out whether she can have coffee. Congrats!! I would overnight the book/download it on Kindle immediately.

      1. Lmao you will pry my morning coffee out of my cold dead hands. I did switch to half caf years ago to help with anxiety so fortunately that one is nbd to me!

   3. 25 weeks and I eat deli meat. Not daily, but 1x week prob. Expecting Better was a little exhausting for me to read tbh (something about her voice? Idk) but I do like the overall messaging. Def don’t feel like you need to read cover to cover, but a few interesting sections for sure.

      1. The thing that prompted me to post was the imprecation to eat pre washed salad within two days of opening. Maybe I’m doomed to fail as a mother, but if this fetus can’t survive three day old spring mix…

   4. So much empathy. Expecting Better + a feminist obgyn were key for me.

      Expecting Better was the only book I found for expecting mothers that treated us like smart, well-educated people who could weigh risks and benefits.

      1. This exactly. It saved my sanity.

   5. Yes! Even well-meaning friends will have opinions on what you shouldn’t eat while pregnant, which is not based on fact or science but because no one wants to do RCTs on pregnant women. Emily Oster will be your guiding light. I also recommend her Substack.

   6. One of the reasons I”m on the fence about having biological children is that it does seem that once you become pregnant you stop being a person and become a vessel that is carrying a fetus. This isn’t even political (though it certainly could be). But the focus on totally eliminating risk to the baby and how that trumps the mother’s needs and wants is exhausting.

      I have a relative who is a transplant recipient; his food restrictions are nearly identical to pregnancy food restrictions. I know how he is so limited by what he eats. I actually knew the restrictions better than many of my relatives because I’m at the age where several friends are starting to have children.

      It also seems like perfect is the enemy of good for these restrictions; my sister has a one year old and when she was pregnant last year my mom was always shocked at what my sister couldn’t eat and what she should only eat in moderation. Many of the banned foods are things my mom regularly ate while pregnant 30+ years ago. Of course, we look back on the fact that our grandmothers were allowed to smoke and drink throughout pregnancy in horror, so maybe we’ll feel the same way about how much deli meat my pregnant mother ate in the future (but probably not – ha).

      My mom also is constantly shocked at how small babies are now; she’s very much a believer that a chunky baby is a happy baby and that babies are too small when they’re born now and she attributes that to both the food restrictions on pregnant women and the fact that every baby seems to be induced on or before its due date. Even though this is clearly grandma logic, it does seem as though she may be on to something. Also, I know very little about induction except that everyone I know who was induced had a traumatic experience with it. I don’t know the rationale behind inducing so many babies now, but it seems stressful at best for mothers.

      1. I’ve always been ambivalent about kids for that exact reason, and within three days of taking the stupid test I already feel those fears coming true.

         Yes I should make an appointment with my therapist.

      2. I think statistically babies are actually getting larger. However, premature babies are more and more likely to survive (amazing!) even when born unbelievably tiny. If you’re curious, one reason why so many women are induced is the ARRIVE trial, which suggested inducing healthy women for no medical reason slightly reduces c sections. Previously induction was mostly used due to pre eclampsia, etc. Evidence Based Birth is an organization that has a great article examining that study and other evidence around induction.

      3. I think babies are overall getting bigger.

      4. Yeah, babies are definitely bigger now. Birthweight is correlated with the mother’s weight and people are getting heavier in general.

         1. Babies are also getting bigger because mothers are now less likely to drink and smoke during pregnancy, which is correlated with low birth weight.

            1. Well, or letting women eat? They used to fast women to make the childbirth go easier!

               But when 1/3 adults are at least prediabetic before factoring in the changes of pregnancy, surely that has got to account for a lot of the change.

      5. I strongly disagree about induction.The risk of stillbirth goes up significantly after the due date, so there are good reasons to not wait for “natural” labor in a woman who is near or past her due date. In particular, waiting past 42 weeks is especially dangerous, and many women don’t spontaneously go into labor by then (I was born at 43 weeks!). I had an induction at 40+3 because they felt the baby might not be doing well, and it was incredibly smooth. It was <12 hours from start to finish, was entirely pain free because I was able to get an epidural early, and I pushed for less than an hour and had a vaginal birth with minimal tearing. It went about as well as birth can go for a first time mom. I'm not planning a second, but if I were having one I'd schedule an induction at 39 weeks. I know quite a few other women with positive induction stories. There are certainly induction horror stories, but there are also "natural" birth and c-section horror stories. I don't agree with the characterization that inductions are more likely to be traumatic. And at the end of the day, I would have preferred a traumatic birth to a dead baby, although I'm grateful I was able to get an easy birth and a healthy baby.

         1. +1 this – among my close friends, we’ve had 5 inductions and they were all great experiences. The one time a friend went into spontaneous labor and arrived at the hospital too late for an epidural was the traumatic experience.

            1. Yeah the being too late for the epidural is what sounds traumatic to me! And I also know a couple people that happened to.

         2. Another person who had a 9+ lb baby (I didn’t have GD, she was just giant) at 42 weeks with an induction.

            1. I don’t think 9 lbs is giant, especially at 42 weeks. Mine was 8 lb 13 oz right near her due date. I think the rule of thumb is half a pound a week at the end so she might have been a 10 lb-er if I made it to 42 weeks.
               I loved having a big baby. I think they eat and sleep better.

            2. I mean, RIP my vaj. Her head was 99th percentile. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours.

            3. Yeah I think head size is a much bigger deal than weight. Fat squishes.

      6. What do you mean they were “allowed?” They just did. I smoked when pregnant because it is a horribel addiction that I could not stop.

      7. You just wrote paragraphs about something you know nothing about, and you’re pretty much wrong in all of them.

      8. I’m gonna give you a tip right now: unless you need a third party to do something (like perform an induction), the “rules” aren’t rules. No one will yank the coffee out of your hand, take away your mozzarella, or tackle you as you start your morning run.

         I drank coffee, ate almost whatever I wanted to, ran throughout pregnancy, and generally just made sure I stayed healthy. If people want to fear monger at you, shut it down and go on your way.

   7. Not immedietly, lol.
      I was pregnant before social media so the only advice I got was from older well-meaning relatives who were passing on advice they got when they were pregnant…even so, though, there was so much of it to sift through.
      Thankfully I had a pretty relaxed OB who wanted the best care for both baby and mother.
      As an aside, if you are raging about the contradictory advice now before your first prenatal appointment, wait until baby is born, that’s when it gets really fun, lol.

   8. Yes, your feelings are totally understandable! If it makes you feel any better, one of my best friends is an MFM (high risk OB) and when my husband and I visited her while she was pregnant she took us out for oysters and cocktails. As in, she also consumed a couple of oysters and a cocktail. Not that I’m advising that at all, but it did make me feel a lot better about my coffee and Diet Coke consumption when I got pregnant.

      1. I felt like such a delinquent getting sushi at a restaurant while pregnant, picked a table in the back so it wasn’t obvious to passerby that I was huge, etc., etc. It was a tiny restaurant with a Japanese chef and waitresses, who were all delighted to have me there since “fish is good for the baby.” It was awesome.

   9. Look: a lot of it is based on small possibilities. I tried to follow more sensible guidelines with my second and it turns out that child is autistic and I’ll be their caregiver until I die. Was it the wine and salads and so forth I had during pregnancy? Almost certainly not, but I regret them all now and wonder why I couldn’t just wait 9 months. I have this thought monthly at least.

      1. Friends have a severly autistic kid, mother had a textbook pregnancy and did everything “right”. Sometimes that is just the way genetics works.

   10. Adam Gopnik wrote a column in the New Yorker in around the year 2000 about his wife’s pregnancy in Paris and the difference between French and US attitudes towards expecting: In the United States, pregnancy is a medical condition, overseen by white-coated professionals, where we hope for a positive outcome; in France, pregnancy is a result of having sex, and with some sensible guidance you can come through the experience free to go have more sex. It’s an interesting article — look it up!

   11. There are so, so, many people wiling to say “oh, you shouldn’t do that” based on exactly nothing. Every culture has their own folklore about what you can and can’t eat, I just went with the single sheet of “don’t do this” guidelines from the doctor. My second is practically a genius and I ate Subway tuna all.the.time.

       1. Haha! Me too, I rotated between tuna and turkey. Listeria just seemed very unlikely and I say this as someone who is a nervous nellie about most things. And yes, the “baby” (now 18) also loves her subway.

10. This morning, Desantis’ handpicked State Attorney sent armed personnel to the home of an employee who was on maternity leave to terminate her and demand their property back.

    1. Sounds like a lovely set of people all around.

    2. Property = state car, laptop, and other items. You cannot seriously expect any company, even if it’s the government, to terminate someone (her boss was terminated so yes, CoS usually lose their jobs at the same time) and let them have access to a company-owned car???? This is how you do things: tell people they are terminated and immediately get your property from them so it isn’t destroyed.

       1. It is shocking that you, or anyone, would suggest that a top manager in a prosecutors office would commit a crime without any evidence to believe that would be the case. When a bank fires an employee, do they get a police escort to the home of that person? No, because the cops would tell them it is a civil matter. The only course of action was to reach out to her lawyer and tell them she has a reasonable period of time – 24 or 48 or 72 hours – to return the propery. By the way, the new chief (who only got 6% of the vote against the elected SA) spoke with her and did not tell her she was terminated and did not demand the return of property. Everything about this is disgusting and an abuse of power.

       2. Umm, you speak to them and organise for a return. Sending in armed personnel is coup-like in its hostility.

       3. Stop trying to defend crazy behavior because the person committing the crazy acts shares your political views. Be better.

    3. Oh my god.

       I was terminated and they sent a courier to collect my laptop, phone, iPad and security pass.

       Sending people with guns is astounding and I would be traumatised.

    4. Such overkill.

11. AOC and Charlotte Parler on AOC’s instagram today complaining about US sunscreens was what I needed today!

    Yes, I have niche interests, but this is a big problem. US sunscreens suuuuuuck. I’m so glad to hear an actual member of the US House acknowledging it.

    1. I got really excited too. I’ve been wearing Asian sunscreens for over 10 years and evangelize it’s superiority to everyone

       1. which ones so you like?

    2. Matthew Yglesoas’s comment that he “wasn’t expecting the neoliberal shill turn” based on her sunscreen video makes me want to stab the patriarchy

       1. God, I hate him.

    3. Can you explain why American sunscreens are bad? I know Asian skincare is supposed to be amazing but I just don’t know a ton about it.

       1. The FDA regulates sunscreen as a drug, not as a cosmetic, and they haven’t approved any new sunscreen actives since 1999!

          It’s really work watching the video.

12. I want to try a different mode of hair removal for my face. What are your recommendations for permanent removal for someone with Rosacea/very sensitive skin? My complexion is fair, my hair color is brown/greying, but occasionally light hairs do appear on the face….

    Areas of most concern are upper lip/chin. Now my skin is incredibly sensitive and I can’t tolerate any chemical processes or waxing. I love the Tinkle type razors and literally use them on my entire face a few times a week, but as my near vision has gotten worse (!) I think I want to pursue something more permanent.

    I have heard that in theory either laser or electrolysis are options. Anyone with very sensitive skin/Rosacea and is very hairy like me pursued this? Which do you recommend and why? Is it going to take me like 10 visits and thousands of dollars?

    1. Oh I so wish I had advice. Following – very much in the same boat

    2. I got electrolysis. It worked great on my15 or so oddly bristly grey chin hairs. Thank you menopause.

       1. I think this is the answer. Most of my wiry facial hairs are very light and laser won’t work on light hair.

          1. Thanks for this info.

             Unfortunately, I have many more than 15 hairs….. But maybe I should just give it a shot.

             Curious, how long did it take / number of sessions? Do you let your hairs “grow out” first, so they can more easily see the follicles to treat? Is your skin red for a day or more afterwards?

             1. I have moderately sensitive skin and have gotten laser on my underarms, bikini line, and then legs because I was so thrilled with the result. I have light skin and dark, graying hair, and it worked on the dark hair but not the white ones. They should do a test patch of the laser before you have to commit. It’s taken me about six sessions, I usually chat with the tech to distract myself while it’s happening. Highly recommend.

    3. I have gotten laser on my body. I’m prone to hyperpigmentation and sometimes laser can make it worse. If you have any similar concerns, I’d avoid laser on your face.

       1. Interesting. I have scarred more with time. Thanks for sharing this.

          I have been debating buying one of those home laser systems for my body.

13. DH and I are at the crazy little kid stage in life, with a toddler, inadequate childcare options, and both of us working full time (with 1 car). He is managing the stress of it all extremely poorly, and is a nightmare to be around lately. I say something to unintentionally upset him to the point of tears almost daily. Today it was explaining (continuing an ongoing conversation) that the reason I’m not interested in gardening is because there is zero romance. We haven’t gone on a date since 2020. He just gropes me and makes perverted comments and thinks that’s foreplay. I want to be sensitive to his stress but I just couldn’t be less attracted to him currently. Just venting to the wind.

    1. When we couldn’t get a babysitter, we would do an “at home date”. Put the kids to bed (a little early), order fancy takeout, set up some ambiance (light candles / have a fire in the winter / sit out by the fire pit in the summer / open a nice bottle of wine) and have a nice meal together.

       I know babysitters can be hard to find, but no marriage will survive 3 years without dates. Once we find a reliable teenage babysitter in our neighborhood we cling onto them (and make sure we pay them well, are home when we say we will be, etc. so they want to keep coming back). My parents are nearby, but we don’t use them for normal nights out, just the very occasional overnight and kids sick days.

       Do you have any family or friends who could watch your kid while you do an overnight away? If your parents / siblings / aunts and uncles / cousins / whomever are able to watch your kid but not nearby, could you even fly them in to cover a night? Do you have local friends you could swap childcare with to get a night out?

       I also recommend individual therapy for him and couples therapy for you two.

       1. +1 to all of this

    2. I think this is exactly the kind of thing couples counseling can help with.

       But also you need to fix the childcare issue, and probably buy a second car. I don’t know what you mean by inadequate childcare, but this isn’t 2020-2021. Your child should be in daycare or with a nanny for at least as many hours as you work, and ideally a bit more.

    3. Why are your childcare options inadequate? Do you live in the woods? I am not being facetious but there are babysitting services and teenagers in most neighborhoods. Get a sitter!

       1. Yea I would try to find a high school or college kid, especially before they go back to school. You need a date night, even if that is just sitting outside with a bottle of wine or ordering pizza after the kids go to sleep. My ideal Valentine’s Day was always ordering takeout, bottle of wine and a rom com. Also, I don’t blame you or your husband. The situation does sound tough but both need to put in some effort, even if you take a PTO day together.

    4. Are you also having financial difficulties? I’m asking because some of the choices (1 car (assuming you live in an area where 2 cars are needed; inadequate childcare; not hiring a sitter) sound like choices you are making due to financial constraints.

       A lot of these problems can be solved by throwing money at the problem – more childcare, a car, a sitter, etc. But if that’s not possible I would look at radically overhauling your financial situation to relieve some stress. Whether that means relocating to a LCOLA, someone finding a new job, someone staying home full or part time with the kids, paying for a flight for a family member to come help out for a few weeks, etc.

       You are in an incredibly stressful time of any marriage, and have extra stress on top of that due to the childcare/car issues. There’s only so much stress anyone can take. You need to figure out how to move the puzzle pieces of your life around in a less stressful way.

    5. You shouldn’t just be venting to the wind. This is a problem that you both need to address before it causes lasting harm to your relationship.

    6. We’ve gotten a lot of value out of day dates – if you have even a little childcare, could you and hubby take a long lunch (or an afternoon off) and go out to lunch on a weekday on a day when your kid is already taken care of so you don’t have babysitting costs? Or is there any way you can get a sitter for a Saturday and go out to brunch? We actually connect way better in the morning/afternoon before we are totally exhausted by the daily grind.

    7. Just commiseration that my husband also often views those things as foreplay. What the heck, men? I don’t get it.

    8. Worst case, if you can’t get a sitter, take PTO when the kids are at school/in daycare. Have a day date.

    9. You could be touched out. You get so much touch from the toddler that you no longer enjoy being touched by your husband. Though I agree that you deserve better kinds of touch/foreplay/romance than being groped in the kitchen.

       You may also be facing a spontaneous desire (husband) vs responsive desire (you) issue. Take a look at this:

       https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire

       Sorry you’re going through this. Life with little little kids was a hard patch in my marriage too.

    10. One toddler? Book a babysitter and give your husband a hug.

        1. Yeah, I’m trying to be sensitive here because I also have one kid and resent when people sometimes imply that I’m not a “real mom” or that I’m not allowed to vent about parenting stress, because even one child can be stressful at times. But the situation you describe is pretty extreme with one kid. Is there something more going on here?

           1. You bring up good points.

              This is why it is so hard/unfair to compare yourself to other people. You never really know what is going on in someone else’s life, we all have different resources/stressors/emotional states.

              That’s why places like this site, where people are usually helpful about sharing their own similar/related experiences can be helpful.

14. Asheville OP, I added a comment but am in mod! Check back later. Asheville is a great city with lots of cool history. Surprised by the naysayers but, in full transparency, I came from within (longish) driving distance. Hope you have a blast if you end up going!

15. I tend to avoid books that will make me cry or feel strong emotions. So I haven’t read a lot of classics. What do you recommend for the hard but amazing books? Beloved? Little women?

    1. I love both Beloved and Little Women, but both are incredibly emotional. I can’t tell from your post if you’re looking to try something that make you cry, or if you want something classic but less emotional.
       Animal Farm is surprisingly relevant if you read it through the lens of today’s world. There are a couple of potentially emotional scenes, particularly if you are an “animal person,” but because it’s an allegory the animals can be read as symbolic, which depersonalizes them a bit for me.

       1. Op here – sorry to be so unclear! I mean I’m trying to challenge myself and yes want to read classics even if they’re emotional

          1. the Velveteen rabbit

    2. The Age of Innocence
       A Room With a View or Howard’s End

    3. I don’t shy away from emotional books at all (hello, A Little Life), but I haven’t read a lot of classics because they don’t seem that interesting to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just reading what you want to read. To me, that’s one of the great joys of the best things about not being in school anymore.

       1. I have to admit that most of the American Literature / English books we read in high school were just …. painful, dull and so far removed from life and relatability that it did not encourage a love of reading. But I’m a bit older so I had hoped things were improving. I actually heard from my niece that they actually read much less than I did in high school, which doesn’t sound good either.

          1. Same. The only assigned book in grades 9-12 that didn’t bore me to tears was Catcher in the Rye and even that one was just ok, not riveting. I don’t know why high school English classes can’t read more current and relatable things. As an adult I often read prize-winning, critically acclaimed books that are very interesting and readable. And – bonus! – they’re not all written by white men. I think in all of high school we didn’t read a single book by a non-white person and only a small handful (maybe 10%?) were by women. It’s pretty astonishing to me in 2023. I hope it’s changed.

             1. Exactly.

             2. Whenever I see comments like this, I’m so grateful to the teachers at my large public high school who even 30 years ago managed to assign challenging but interesting books by diverse authors. We read Toni Morrison, Louise Erdrich, Maxine Hong Kingston, Kurt Vonnegut, Tim O’Brien, Chinua Achebe, Sandra Cisneros, Lorraine Hansberry, Gabriel García Márquez, Oscar Wilde, Zora Neale Hurston, plus the usual stuff. I recommend them all!

             3. A lot of those names are pretty cliched too, IMO. There are so many fresher voices now. But at least you had more representation. I’m surprised our all-white and almost all male reading lists didn’t get more pushback, even in the early 2000s in the Midwest. It was *so* egregious.

             4. Right, it’s been 30 years since I was in high school, of course there are newer and fresher feeling books that have been published since then, which is most of what I read. But OP asked for classics, and I think it’s definitely possible to find classics that aren’t boring and not just written by white men, and it’s worth reading those too, especially if you didn’t get exposed to them in high school or college.

    4. Cold comfort farm
       I capture the castle
       The Enchanted April

       Classics but not too emotional.

    5. F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway novels are decent classics to dip into. Also look up novels and short stories by Kate Chopin, Virginia Woolf, Willa Cather, Katherine Anne Porter, Katherine Mansfield, Zora Neale Hurston, and Eudora Welty. Enjoy!

    6. I love everything Morrison has ever written, but Beloved and The Bluest Eye in particular are hard but worthy reads.

       Another relatively new classic (or at least extremely well regarded in its genre) is Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking. Brutal but worth it.

       In a different vein, but a true classic, Frankenstein. It may not seem like something that should provoke the same emotions, but the Doctor thinking about the horror of his creation goes beyond just the scary monster scenario and can be a unsettling.

16. Also appreciate your collective travel advice! We are going to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone in late Aug. We want to combine a white water rafting trip (4hrs) on Snake River with a trip to see Jenny Lake, including 2-3 miles of trails in one day. I have a 10 and 12 yo who enjoy being outdoors. Time (and weather) wise, does that seem too ambitious for anyone who has been there that time of year? Thinking we could do the 845 am rafting trip and get to Jenny Lake by 2ish.

    1. Are you just doing the trail from Jenny Lake to Inspiration Point? If so, you should be okay, but keep in mind that it will probably take 45 minutes to drive from Jackson to Jenny Lake, and you need a lunch break (you can stop at Dornan’s on the way into GTNP). We referred to the Inspiration Point trail as the Walmart of hiking trails in GT/YNP, as it is so crowded. We did see a bear on it, though, so that was cool.

    2. Just hike to Ski Lake up in Teton Pass after the rafting trip. The tourist hordes are awful around Jenny Lake after 9am in the summer (I’m not being insensitive- people visiting GTNP in the summer don’t bother to learn how to behave around wildlife, each other, and the terrain.)

17. Yes, this seems ambitious. (And I grew up doing the Yellowstone loop as a day trip from my grandparents’ house in MT) You’ll need to eat lunch and drive from the rafting place to Jenny Lake. I haven’t rafted the Snake, but I think it’s dam fed so you don’t really need to worry about water levels in late August— though check, of course. My friends went on a rafting trip on the Snake last August and thought it was a high point of their vacation. One thing that might surprise you is how autumn-like that area can feel in late August. I probably wouldn’t set out a hike after 3pm, and keep in mind that the park is on the east side of the mountain range so it does get shady. The boat ride at the trailhead is pretty nice, so you could try to play it by ear and settle for an out and back ride with a very quick hike to a view point if you run out of time. My opinion might be different if you’re staying in the park rather than Jackson itself. If you’re in town, you’ll have a fair bit of driving each way to get to Jenny Lake.

18. Any happy bikers out there who can suggest good resources for someone to research bikes? Obese short woman looking for mostly paved paths but also maybe some dirt paths. Previous bikes kill my vag. My favorite bike as a kid was a 3-speed.

    1. Do you know any local cyclists who can recommend a shop which will treat you with respect and kindness? If so, that’s my suggestion. Go to that shop and let them help you.

       If not, I love my Kona Rove as a multipurpose bike for mostly gravel/rail to trail oaths and some pavement. It has drop bars and you might want straight bars for better comfort. As for the vag problem, that is mostly a saddle issue. I went to a highly recommended bike fitter and sat in LOTS of saddles before I found one that worked for my finicky lady bits (same issues with finding a horse saddle).

    2. Another rec to find a bike shop in your area that makes you feel welcome. I’m lucky to have a few near me and they were tremendously helpful in helping me find a bike that fit my body and that will be able to handle all the types of riding I expect to do without being higher-end than I need.

    3. Look into upgrading your seat. Get a gel seat with a gap/hole in the middle, that will give you a lot less pressure. I like the Selle Italia saddles.

    4. Sounds like you are inserting rather than riding. Or do you mean vulva?

       1. Stop it

       2. OMG you know what she means. Stop it.

       3. What, you don’t remove the seat ti save grams?
          Sorry, OP… couldn’t resist a bit of juvenile cyclist humor.
          In all seriousness, the advice to find a bike shop that treats you well is dead on. Keep an open mind for trying bikes and gear. Sometimes the most unsuspecting things end up working best. Bikes and gear and riders have so much variation, it’s really impossible to offer specific bikes, seats, etc.
          Don’t be afraid to branch out from womens specific stuff. Drop your city and there is probably a cyclist here who is knowledgeable and would be willing to be a 2nd set of eyes. I love geeking out over gear and helping other people spend money.

19. Just got my first ever fancy cosmetic procedure done at a medals with the owner. It was IPL and took less than one hour. Not hard on her body like a massage or nails. It was 400 dollars and she seemed surprised I didn’t tip. I always tip 20% for salon and massage services but I thought it was not appropriate here, with the owner and type of procedure. I guess next time I just need to add 50 bucks then feel bad.

    1. You are right, you don’t need to tip the owner of the salon. Don’t feel bad!

       1. +1

          Absolutely not.

          With the way tipping culture has gotten out of hand, it’s not surprising that she isn’t ashamed to hold out her hand too.

          I’d say don’t fall for it. She is making bank, and she knows it.

    2. *medspa. Thanks for the feedback. It is really bugging me because I want to go back for face and hands and don’t want to be treated as less than. Next lawyers will be adding a tip section with their retainers.

Comments are closed.