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Weekend Open Thread

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174 Comments

  1. I’m in the market for a raincoat. I would like it to be reasonably stylish (e.g., not a sporty one) and knee length. Willing to spend a decent amount as I had my last raincoat for 17 years. I really liked the Mernini raincoat but it is way too long on me as I am fairly short.

    Any suggestions?

    2. London Fog has a few options. They are surprisingly well made. No petites, but I’m 5’2″ and find the overall length to be fine. I do fold the sleeves under a couple of inches.

    4. Look at UK brands like like Joules, Boden, Sea Salt of Cornwall and others – the UK has great rain wear, by necessity…

      1. My other raincoats are from Barbour and they are great (much more sport obviously) and they had black Friday sales last year so perhaps worth looking out for those.

    5. I get compliments on my ‘Rain Sisters’ coat constantly. I bought it last March because I needed something cheery until winter ended. It’s very soft material, nicely lined, and with a great deep hood.

    6. Wrote this a week ago to some other OP: Didriksons. Tested and approved by Dutch weather.

  2. Friday afternoons are tough but hoping someone might have some insight. I have a dear friend who is struggling with her husband and specifically since having a baby, who is now 6 months old. For context, there are 5 in the friend group who are incredibly tight, though only 4 on the current text chain somewhat by accident. Friend was last to be married and last to have their first-born (we’re all 38/39 with 3 to 7 year olds). She had about 5 months between wedding and getting pregnant, so not a lot of time to be married pre-kids, fwiw.

    Best as I can summarize, her husband is either incredibly anxious about parenting solo, he’s bean-counting/keeping score, a closet d i ck that none of us realized before now, or some combination of all the above. She continues to cancel on us and says it’s because her DH is upset at her and she’s just trying to keep the peace/in survival mode. We’ve been out to lunch on a Saturday and he’ll call incessantly, saying the baby won’t eat only to find out he tried only for a few minutes to get her to take a bottle, but he demands she come home (she was only gone for 45 mins at that point). In another instance, she was basically ordered home because she wouldn’t stop crying / go down for her nap. He took a month of paternity leave when she went back to work and asked her for a list of things to do every morning because he couldn’t figure out what to do with a newborn while on 4 weeks of leave. Last weekend Friend did a last minute 24-hour night away to visit a friend who is tragically about to start an intense chemo regimen in a nearby city, and for that reason Friend has to cancel tomorrow’s long-standing “girls afternoon” (12-5) because he’s giving her flack about being out “again” (we really and truly rarely go out… can’t come up with the last time we were all together TBH). Last weekend Friend dropped baby and DH off at DH’s family’s house for the night, which DH was fine with, but after the fact you would have thought she abandoned them and was partying her behind off for a week. He also continues to go out with evidently little concern for leaving all of the So Very Challenging parenting on our Friend. It’s only a problem when he’s left with the baby.

    This is getting increasingly hard to watch. Other friends in the friend group are really neutral, measured in their language. I’m usually the one who has the harsher take on any situation. The 5th friend who is accidentally not on the chain is more like me. I’m going to talk to her and get her take on how best to support Friend because the neutral “it’ll get better!” “it’s only a season” “infants are so hard, amiright?” empty statements seem unproductive. Our friend is looking for real help – she keeps asking “is this normal? is it supposed to be this hard? like this is the hardest it gets with a kid right?”…. eeehhhhhh…

    Last Thursday around 5:30pm she sent me a picture of her holding baby, still trying to wrap up her WFH day, while also hooked up to a pump and he was in the distances just watching TV because he needed to “decompress.” She says that’s the second or third time the same thing happened that week. I just want to shake him.

    What would you do? When do you shift from empathizing that it’s hard adding a kid to a relationship (it really and truly is!) to your DH needs to get his act together and step up?? This friend is incredible and I just want to do whatever I can to support her. We don’t dislike her husband, or I didn’t until all of this mess. I think he’s a nice, good guy in general but omg, this is snowballing quickly.

    1. If a woman was showing this level of anxiety with her baby, you’d immediately tell her that she was showing signs of postpartum depression and help her in getting help (meds, therapy, and plenty of love and support in the meantime). Absent any evidence that there’s something else going on with this guy (he seemed fine before the baby), I think you should do the same thing, or at least help her to help him get help.

      1. I think this is the right take. Presumably if he was one of those learned helplessness guys, he wouldn’t know how to empty the dishwasher or what have you, and everyone would have seen that by now. I think there’s something else going on here and I might gently inquire to my friend if she thinks her husband might need counseling or support.

        1. Not sure I agree. I think many women find helpless men a lot easier to deal when there are no kids in the picture, so he may have been this way all along and it just wasn’t an issue until now. I commented below about my friend. Her husband has never been very useful around the house, but it wasn’t really a big deal until they had a baby, and became an even bigger issue after they had a second. She was happy to cook and tidy up pre-kid because when they were childless adults they both had plenty of time, even with demanding full-time jobs. Obviously a guy who never loads the dishwasher is not great, but it’s a much smaller issue than a guy who never parents his kids. A baby magnifies the amount of work for the adults to do by a factor of probably at least 10, and then the disparity in workload becomes much more apparent. Even small disparities get amplified after kids, which is why so many marriages struggle after adding a baby.

          1. This is the case with my marriage. We bickered for years about sharing labor evenly. Majorly magnified when our son (now 3) came around.
            No one on the outside would have known prior to kid because I just picked up the slack and dealt with it for the most part. Added stress of kid made things worse.
            My husband was an anxious parent from about 1yo to 2ish. Kid needs to be entertained, has tantrums, doesn’t sleep as often etc. he was a great newborn parent. DHs a lot better now and I travel for work without worrying. He just had to find their thing and figure out how to keep an active toddler entertained.
            Also some of it was self inflicted. I would plan to go shopping or whatever by myself and hear kid crying mommy! So I wouldn’t go out. That led to a bad cycle of explicit or maybe implicit lack of trust with my husband watching the kid.
            It took a while but things are a lot better now

      2. I agree with this answer. Also, are you able to offer to watch the baby for a few hours one night so they could have a date night and a few moments to talk without baby?

      3. I am concerned about mental health issues too. Mental health problems that were manageable before can really ratchet up with the stress and sleep deprivation of a new baby.

        I’ve seen it happen to both mothers and fathers. People who coped without meds needed meds. People on low doses needed higher doses or different meds altogether. It can be scary and sad.

        Offer support. Arrange a meal train. Watch the baby so she can shower. Listen to her and let her cry.

    2. I think you should be honest with her. If you want to give him some grace, could you ask if he has some form of postpartum anxiety/depression?

      1. +1. This sounds pretty bad, and not tenable. If you believe her marriage was good until this point, I think you need to give it to her straight. Lovingly.

        1. +1 also. I think the information your friend needs is that some of what you’ve described above is not normal and not good (getting calls demanding she come home from an event, getting yelled at and complained about for plans she thought they’d both agreed to, trying to work, pump and care for an infant while partner watches TV). Saying “hey, that’s concerning to hear and sounds like more than typical new baby stresses” is the starting point, regardless of what the root cause is

    3. Sounds pretty typical, frankly. A lot of people don’t really know what they’re in for and are overwhelmed. I’d encourage her to hire some help while they get in the swing of things. Now is the time to throw some money at the problem. Babies be hard.

      1. I agree with this. This might not be a popular opinion, but I also think she needs to work it out with him directly instead of crowdsourcing five friends. Frankly, it will be normal in a lot of relationships not to be doing overnights away or doing leisurely brunches for a while. Everyone’s relationship is different. It’s not on you to judge or gossip with others about how fair their arrangement is. She is the only one who can decide what “normal” should look like with him. I’m 48 now, but I distinctly remember a period in my early 30s with several close friends where they basically fell of the map and didn’t do much else than spend time with direct family after their kids were born or were fielding phone calls over stupid things while we were at our one special months-to-plan dinner. Things like attending other friends’birthdays took a back seat to family time, and I was really annoyed with them at the time. In retrospect, I think I can appreciate prioritizing family over friends a bit more now . It’s on her how she wants to work through this with him and you. But a good friend hangs in there and moves with life’s natural ebbs and flows without judgment. Not all friends will be on text chains, doing group trips, or attending regular nights out to the same degree as seasons of life change. I wouldn’t pressure her to keep up or try to defend her spouse to you, because you’ll lose that battle (for better or worse) every time and only create resentment with her. I’d also give a little slack that not everyone feels confident care giving–it’s easy to look back with confidence and think they’re being silly when you’re no longer standing there. But they’re probably both anxious and used to fighting this together. Many new parents feel that way.

        1. I think these are all valid points, too. I know you said you don’t get together all that often, and I believe you, but I also know that it’s somewhat normal to pull back socially during the baby phase. For lots of reasons, whether it’s nerves, or exhaustion, or still nursing at night, etc.

          1. +1 Everyone gets to decide this for themselves, obviously, but this is early to do overnights and 5 hours away on weekends without baby — especially a first, when both parents are really adjusting. Those first six months were “close ranks and bond as a family” time for me.

            (Not to say she shouldn’t do anything, but you are implying there were a lot of invitations and the baby is only 5 months old)

        2. This doesn’t sound like a situation where she is pulling back though. It sounds like a situation where she is drowning and needs some help. Five months may be early for an overnight, but it sounds like it was one she needed to do. Dad (with help from grand parents) should be able to handle that without punishing mom.

          1. It’s on Mom though to use her words instead of griping to a friend group that is mad that she isn’t going to a five hour lunch the week after she did the overnight. Instead of taking pictures and showing them to her friends she needs to actually address the issue. Not everyone has grandparents nearby, but she could be pulling in help or putting similar edicts on him when he wants to head out. They’re a team and neither is acting like a solid teammate. Throwing in the chorus of a few judgmental friends isn’t helping them in the bigger picture. She needs to sort this directly with him.

          2. Anonymous at 10:06 – I agree. I think some of this is Mom either A. not understanding that her life may need to be different for awhile and saying “I can do this, but I can’t do that” is a necessity, or B. She does understand, but is not using her words. Life changes after you have a baby. Full stop. And the disparity in ages between the friends’ kids and the new baby is a significant factor. I do not remember doing a whole lot with friends the first year my son was born, because he was a handful (colicky, never slept, etc.) and also went into daycare at 6 months, and thereafter was sick all.the.time. My husband was a very good co-parent and partner, but he was wiped out also. Between dealing with parenting an infant and trying to hold down a full-time job, time out with friends took a back seat. But the thing is – this is temporary! Babies are babies for such a short time. They start walking and then they start talking, and then they get a LOT easier to care for, and then they can be left on their own, and then they start driving themselves to their own friend hangs, and you have tons of time when you can go hang out with your friends.

            So some of this is – the friends need to understand, and the mom needs to accept and understand, that this is a season of her life and so she may not be able to do sequential friend activities on weekends/during the same week. Bottom line: her priority needs to be her family life right now. Not that she doesn’t have needs of her own. But if she values her marriage, she needs to do more to work it out with her husband instead of putting that energy into making excuses to her friends. Mom needs to make sure she is prioritizing appropriately, which means putting her health and her marriage first – otherwise things will really get hairball. I understand she may be equating “mental health/stress relief” with “friend time” but those things are not necessarily equivalent. Maybe she feels guilty saying she can’t make a particular friend hang, and that’s just added pressure in the situation. So maybe the friend group can help her out a little bit by making it clear – hey, this is happening but we understand if you can’t make it.

    4. It sounds like he is extremely unconfident with his parenting skills, for no obvious reason (at least nothing obvious from your post).

      There’s a few options here, but this might be a case where he needs a wake up call from another male parent. Is he friends with your husband or 5th friend’s husband? Maybe you could enlist one of them to chat with him about it. “How are you doing with the new baby thing? You know, Wife has mentioned that you seem to call your wife a lot when you’re left alone with the baby and she’s cancelled a few outings because you don’t want to be left alone. I want you to know that it’s normal to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, but you can totally handle being alone with her for a few hours and need to try harder to figure it out on your own. Your DW needs some time away from the baby and is really going to resent you for continuing being unable to handle her. You’re her parent, not a babysitter. Trust me bro, it’s for the best of your marriage for you to figure this out. Raising a kid is a thing you’re doing together, not her with you supporting sometimes.” Sentiment along these lines. Obviously this should be a conversation, not a lecture. Perhaps multiple conversations over the course of a couple weeks. Maybe DH can probe a bit to find out if there’s some specific anxiety. If that doesn’t wake him up, they need to be in couples therapy stat.

      1. This is a nice thought but none of the husbands are going to sign up to do this. A guy’s version of supporting a friend is watching a game with them at a sports bar and making surface-level small talk.

        2. You might be right, and it’s absolutely fair if none of them want to do it or aren’t close enough to the husband to have this kind of conversation. But I also feel like this is exactly the type of situation where we need the men in our lives to ask the other men around them to be better men.

        3. Yeah, this reads like a script from a soap opera vs any actual guy to guy discussions I’ve heard about. It also may have the direct unintended consequence of making him feel like you’ve been gossiping about their relationship (which you kind of have) and result in you getting even less time and more pulling away from your friend going forward.

        4. Yeah, this is not a conversation grounded in reality. And I could see having more negative consequences than positive.

        5. Interesting. I feel like my BF has described some similar conversations with his BFF, who is struggling in his marriage with two small children (for different reasons). I agree that it probably would not happen in a more distant friendship, but he’s definitely described instances where there has been some counseling and advice for keeping the marriage together. And trust me, they do their fair share of watching sports, drinking beer, and playing darts.

      2. I should have added the mental health aspect too, as others have pointed out. It does sound like it could be PPD, which men can have too!

      3. I really like the idea of another dad reaching out to this struggling parent.

        My husband had a very VERY difficult time after our two children were born, compounded by the fact that we had two kids in 21 months. We have a very egalitarian partnership (he cooks, cleans, grocery shops, manages difficult relationships with my family, bakes all birthday cakes, buys all holiday gifts, and so on), and it was painful for him to feel like he could not keep up in the childcare area. He’s also from an East Asian culture that does not traditionally engage with mental health providers or medication. I felt very alone and angry during this time. It was so hard. He badly wanted to be a better parent, and it was like he just couldn’t see a path forward.

        What has helped him most is connecting with other dads. He’s excellent at inviting new acquaintances out for a beer just to chat about ups and downs. He has three close long-term friends who share a lot of their parenting struggles. He’s so grateful when parents acknowledge that they’re having a hard time, or that their kids are driving them crazy.

        I can’t tell if OP’s husband is willing to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge what’s going on, but if there’s a chance that he might, it’s worth a shot.

    5. I don’t know that there’s much you can do. Criticizing her husband is likely to backfire and just put distance between you and your friend.

      I think some men just hide their awfulness until they become dads. My best friend’s kids are 6 and 4 and her husband has never been alone with them overnight and rarely spends any time with them. She was gushing once (when she was pregnant with the second) about how nice it was being pregnant because he gave her 15 minutes a day to rest while he read a book to their oldest. That isn’t terrible in and of itself, but it was clear from the context that before her second pregnancy, he’d never really spent any one-on-one time with the oldest (then 2). It was wild to me because my husband spent way more than 15 minutes a day with our kid, starting at a much younger age than 2. She’s accidentially pregnant with #3 now and not happy about it (she wanted to be done, he wanted a big family – of course it’s easy for him because he barely sees the kids) and I low key think he tampered with her birth control. But I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from telling her how I feel.

    6. It’s not your problem to fix. I empathize – my best friend is married to a huge manbaby and it’s very hard to see that struggle. But I can’t fix her marriage or tell her what to do. It also makes it worse for her if I bash her husband.

      2. “It’s not your problem to fix”. This, 100%.
        I also know someone married to a manbaby and as hard as it is to watch, there is nothing I can do.

    7. I agree with all of the comments that maybe he is just struggling to figure out the parenting thing, but the contacting her constantly during a quick lunch out, making her cancel plans, and making her feel bad about taking time away from the baby is a red-flag to me. This could be you just beginning to see how controlling he is and how much he is beginning to isolate her from her friends, family, and any outside support she currently has. If that is the case, it won’t get better. I’ve been there.

    8. You sound like an amazing friend. Keep checking in on her. Maybe she can’t do a girls night out, but can she do a phone call after baby goes to bed? I think you need to wait for her to come to you for help. Since you have some more experience with marriage and raising kids she may look to you for guidance, and you can be open about the difficult periods you had and how you dealt with them.

      1. Agree. I had such a husband. This is a way more likely diagnosis (Anon at 4:53), and way more common, than male PPD, lack of confidence, whatever else. He just doesn’t want to. This type also won’t go to therapy, either.

        After I re-read, I saw that the baby is six months old, not a newborn. Things should be getting easier now.

    10. Tell her what she NEEDS to hear. Her DH needs to step up. She might be better off without him, because at least then she wouldn’t be tethered to him and would at least have some predictability in her life.

      I am grateful to the people who have told me uncomfortable truths in the last few days about my own marriage. Deeply grateful. (This week has been a nightmare.)

    11. So, my husband went through a bad period of anxiety and depression after we had our son because he was not used to the sleep deprivation, he’d gone back to work after only 2 weeks (which turned out to be the only 2 week period in which our child reliably slept during his entire infancy) and walked straight into a crisis, he really had not realized how much having a baby was going to turn our lives upside down, and he was just strung out. He STILL didn’t act like your friend’s husband is acting. It was a tough, rotten period but we got through it together. He did not act helpless, nor did he just shove everything off on me. We had good communication about how much we were struggling and how hard it was, and we ended up taking my mom up on her offer of babysitting/assistance in addition to hiring a weekend mother’s helper who would watch the baby for half a day on Saturday so we could run errands and catch up on work, if necessary. I completely understand how a having a newborn can be a job unto itself. The answer is banding together as a couple and getting help. Not for one party to act like an additional helpless baby in the situation, and leave the bulk of parenting and household management to the other person.

      I have seen this be a temporary period of adjustment, and the dad eventually realizes – oh yeah, things are different now and gets his head in the game. I have also seen this turn into a permanent man-baby situation until the couple divorces. I think the only way to avoid the second scenario is for your friend to be very clear and unequivocal with her husband about: this is not working, and some things need to change right now. Which means you need to be very forthright with her about: how he’s acting is not okay and she is justified in asking for changes. This is toxic positivity/conflict avoidance in action. No one wants to risk hurting your friend, and so people are not telling her the truth, which is hurting your friend because she’s getting the idea this is somehow normal. Someone needs to rip the bandaid off and just say: I think you are struggling because his behavior is not contributive to a healthy, happy family dynamic and you are fully justified in saying something to him about this. No one needs to say “your husband is an a-hole” and she also doesn’t need to tell her husband “you’re an a-hole.” But things need to be said, sooner rather than later, before your friend ends up having a breakdown because she’s so tired and overburdened, and she’s not getting any help.

      I just want to fully endorse the idea of getting a helper. It does not let the husband off the hook for doing his share of the parenting. It just gives everyone some breathing space so that people can think straight and have some time where they aren’t trying to execute daily life with a baby attached to them. It is actually not normal for us, in Modern American Society, to be raising our newborns in isolation from family members and other mothers in our peer group. It’s not how we evolved as humans, and it’s not how most societies support newborns and new mothers. I was lucky and had a mom who was willing to help, and then for the times my mom was not available, I had a helper (who was the experienced-babysitter college-age daughter of a friend who was completely fine with getting paid $15/hr for four hours every Saturday morning for a few months). One of the biggest mistakes we make as new moms is thinking we have to do this alone, or we’re not good enough/dedicated enough/devoted enough mothers. Supposedly, we should WANT to be with our babies 24/7. All I have to say is: F that noise. If help is not forthcoming from Dad, it can be purchased or otherwise procured. Your friend should feel empowered to do that. Good luck to her, and you are good friend for being concerned.

    12. I read through the responses and I agree with a lot of the advice. One thing I didn’t see that I want to suggest. Could you offer to babysit the kiddo and let them have a real, adult night out?

      I have 3 kids and we had a *brutal* ~18 month period. I was nasty and underslept, he was useless, our communication didn’t exist and neither did our $ex life. Date nights or general bonding seems hysterically improbable. But somehow- I think due to my sister?- we started making time for ourselves and it was critical to pulling through to the other side.

    13. I am going to be the contrarian and say that it does sound like she going out an awful lot for someone with a young baby at home. If a woman had posted here that her husband were going out that much he would be harshly criticized. Her husband is definitely not handling it well and there is probably more going on there, but right now they should both be at home taking care of the baby and trading sleep shifts.

      1. Yeah I basically agree. Him calling her while she’s out is a bit much, but I would absolutely not have wanted my husband going out on a boys afternoon right after getting home from an overnight to take care of a friend with cancer. It’s one thing to take care of the friend with cancer, but the fun can wait until a different weekend if you’ve just been out of town.

      2. It really does not seem like a lot to me. I’m sure I went out more than that with my first (I agree that could be a lot with multiple kids, but they only have one).

        Moreover, f he was always home, I could maybe see this point that they had decided to focus on their family. But the OP says that he is continuing to go out all the time. If the dad thinks he gets to go to social events but the mom doesn’t get to, that just makes him an AH and bad partner

        1. He shouldn’t be going out either. Not with a 6-month-old, unless the baby is uncommonly easy.

    14. I completely disagree with the people saying that he is just still learning. I am a single mother of a 9 week old. My brother visited from out of town when she was 4 to 8 weeks old, worked remotely from my place, and he was way more confident and helpful than this guy. My brother had not spent any time around babies before but made sure to learn. For example, he never reached out like this when he was babysitting. When she was 6 weeks old, I went shopping with 2 friends for 5 hours to find a dress for a close friend’s wedding. And when she was 7 weeks old, I went to the wedding and he babysat for 6 hours. Neither time did he contact me to ask questions, since he had made a point to learn from me what he needed to do. He would also just pick her up and take care of her when she was crying to give me a break, and he took over all the cooking and pet care so I had less to worry about.

      If my brother can be that helpful, a father should certainly be held to a higher standard. The fact that so many people are making excuses for why a father of a 6-month old can’t do basic childcare is part of why I had a child alone. I didn’t want to get stuck taking care of a baby and a grownup who was acting like one

      1. I’m glad you are in a better situation. We do know that some people struggle less with this than others. I’ve spent tons of time around babies and am still not comfortable being solely responsible, and I’m less comfortable the closer the relationship to me! Some babies are also very easy to care for whereas others are really difficult, in my experience. Being an uncle and babysitting is a easier transition than being a parent. Yes this guy needs to step up, but I don’t see how it’s making excuses to acknowledge that he may need help (like with mental health) to be able to take the kinds of steps your brother has taken.

        1. I don’t disagree that he may be depressed or anxious and need help. But in order for the friend to encourage him to get help, she has to know that this is not normal. And there are quite a few people in this thread suggesting that it is normal.

          Also, I disagree that not being comfortable is an ok reason to avoid caring for your own child. The way to get more comfortable is to do the tasks. If you decide to have a kid, it’s your responsibility to carry your share of the work. You can’t just push it on to your partner because you don’t feel comfortable. No one would accept a cop out like that from a mom.

    15. She shouldn’t be going for nights away and brunches with a newborn. They should hire help or you guys should offer to babysit and they should go out as a couple to bond. The first year is rough. I wish them well.

    16. How often are you or the other friends showing up with take-out and helping with dishes? Even with my co-parenting husband, it was hard and neither of us were going out, let alone for 24 hours.

      1. How often should friends be expected to do that? It isn’t the female friends’ responsibility to do chores because the husband won’t.

        1. lmao! Well, my BIL came and help both of us for two weeks, so. Her female friends need to stop whining that she isn’t going out withg them and pretending they care. They don’t really because they are adding pressure.

        2. Also, as often as the OP thinks the mom should be going out for brunch which is, according to her, is almost never but often enough that there are several examples. I am not defending dad. I am suggesting that mom isn’t doing great, either. Things change when we start to grow up.

          1. Yeah, my friends and I still don’t have time for several girls’ brunches in a 6-month period, and our kids are all teenagers with drivers’ licenses. OP and the new mom and new dad all have their expectations out of whack. Nobody with little kids has that much free time unless they have 7 days a week of child care.

    17. I feel like neither one of them really understand that no parent goes out during the first few months of having a baby! It also seems odd that she is literally pumping WHILE doing WFH and HOLDING the baby. That is a little dramatic! I loved the little bouncer seat so my infant could look at me when I had to do things with my hands. This is all crazy and they need a therapist, stat!

  3. I may have made a plug for them on here before, but if anyone is looking for a super high quality raincoat (or parka, frankly) at a fair price, check out Patagonia’s worn wear program. Patagonia’s lifelong warranty still applies, and you can get last season’s gear for a great price. I got a torrentshell through there and it has been amazing. I feel like I’ll be able to hand it down to my 11 month old daughter at the rate it’s (not) aging.

    1. It seems like it would be a little large for your 11 month old daughter, but what do I know? :)

      1. hahaha, yeah, I was implying that it may still be in good shape in 12 years.

    2. I’ve had my Patagonia Torrentshell for at least 6-7 years, and it’s wearing well. I do wish that it had a two-way main zip, it’s so much more useful to be able to open the zip from below as well.

  4. What’s everyone’s favorite sunscreen? Do you still apply it religiously in winter? My derm just gave me a talking to.

    1. RELIGIOUSLY. I buy whatever sunscreen fiddysnails is recommending on IG because she has tried them all and she narrows it down for me. Asian sunscreens are much better than any sold in the US.

      And once I found a facial sunscreen I like, it just became part of my skincare routine. I don’t even have to think about it.

      1. +million. I apply it every single day (three fingers method) even on cloudy days. I work in my home office which gets basically no light so I don’t generally reapply during the day. My dermatologist told me (and the med student shadowing her) at my last mole check that I was an ideal patient w/r/t sun exposure so it seems to be working. Fiddy will link to the amazon shops she buys from but I usually just order 3-4 at a time from jolse.

      2. 4:13 here. Came back to add a link to my favorite:

        https://www.yesstyle.com/en/country-stream-honey-uv-water-gel-spf-50-pa-45g/info.html/pid.1053600691

        This one takes the place of both a moisturizer and an SPF for me. I use a full three fingers for my face and ears, then I use more for my neck-chest-décolletage area. It’s so nice. I order it 5 tubes at a time from the site I linked.

        I usually trust Amazon for things but I get nervous about Asian spf (you hear about dupes – I’m not sure who’s duping an $8 tube of sunscreen but ?) and tend to order it from one of the k beauty sites.

    2. Body or face? My favorite face sunscreen is Goop Unseen Sunscreen. It doubles as a makeup primer and I love the texture, so those two features get me to wear it everyday. (e.l.f. makes a dupe at a fraction of the cost.)

    3. I use sunscreen in winter if I’m going to be spending any significant amount of time outside (walking, dining outdoors, etc). However, if I’m just going to be driving in my car (which has UV protective tinting) and quickly walking from car to building, then I don’t worry about it.

      It also depends where you live. Winter in California has a much, much higher UV index than winter in Wisconsin. I let the UV index guide me – my rule of thumb is I don’t need sunscreen for 0-2, I need sunscreen for 3-5 if I’m going to be spending extended time outside and I always apply sunscreen on days the UV index will get above 6.

    4. I do, yes. I use La Roche Posay (tinted) when I need to look nice (although it’s starting to look a little orange on me, so migiht need to find something new) and SunBum for sports. I try to use mineral and not chemical sunscreens.

      1. Oh, and I should add that I’ve started wearing sunshirts for almost all outdoor activity and they have made my life SO much better. Now I don’t need sunscreen on my arms, neck, or chest and it is a gamechanger.

    5. My favorite right now is Black Girl Sunscreen. Reasonably priced, available at stores like Target and Walgreens, no white cast, and I find it works well with my other skin care and makeup. I apply it daily to my face, neck, hands, and any exposed arm. I try to reapply halfway through the day, but I’m less consistent with that.

    6. I love Kosas. It gives me a glowy shine that makes my skin look dewy with my foundation on top. (I find it too shiny alone) Literally makes my skin look so much more vibrant.

    8. Yes. The moisturizer I use every day (face, neck, chest) has SPF 25. Link below. SPF 50 on face, neck, chest, arms, legs and anything else showing when we hike etc. Also hats and UPF clothing.

      I am late 50s and have lived in Southern California my whole life and still have excellent skin. Because I’ve been doing this since the early 1990s.

      I also have about a dozen places where the derm has removed abnormalities for biopsy, all benign.

      Start now. Never stop. You will only be happier as time goes on.

    10. Nivea super water gel 50. It’s the lightest sunscreen I’ve ever tried. Only one to never irritate my eyes. Also the way it’s packaged makes it very easy to apply and reapply.

    11. Benton Air Fit SPF 50, worn every day (365 day a year) as day cream under make-up. It’s moisturizing, leaves no residue, great UV protection and works with my make-up foundation. And deciding to use it EVERY day, you will never forget to apply sunscreen. It bacame a daily routine… like brushing teeth.

    12. I absolutely love Elta MD’s tinted sunscreen. I’m not a huge makeup person, so this takes the place of foundation for work days. It just kind of smoothes everything out and feels very light and hydrating.
      On weekends, I wear my kids’ Sunbum stick. It smells amazing and is easy to put on quickly with no mess. I also keep a stick in my purse in case I forget sunscreen and realize it while I’m out.

  5. I got a job offer today, yay! I am trying to figure out what to offer as a start date. I am moving industries and in my current industry, four weeks is the norm. That puts us to Thanksgiving. Is asking to start after Thanksgiving a bad idea, so I could take the week of Thanksgiving off? Or starting 12/1 to make it easy to start at the start of the month (although, that’s a Friday… does offering to start 12/4 sound strange?). I’m also planning to negotiate salary so don’t want to ask for way too much at once.

    1. Many employers start health insurance coverage as of the first day of the month after the month in which you begin employment, so you might want to factor insurance coverage into the equation.

    2. unless you were hired anticipating a particular Q4 project, I think throwing out Monday Nov 27th as a possibility seems reasonable.

    3. Ask to start on 12/1 or 12/4. Explain it just like you did here: it’s normal in your industry to give 4 weeks notice, which brings you to turkey day, which you already planned to take off. No one is going to be around to onboard someone that week anyway. Maybe they’ll ask to compromise and have you start 11/27. Assuming your application/interview process didn’t happen extremely fast and they haven’t made it clear they need someone to start ASAP, you should be fine.

    4. I think you are undermining yourself a little. Literally no one wants to have a new employee start and need onboarding the week of Thanksgiving, so you aren’t really asking for an accommodation by starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Personally I would go with December 4th just to get some extra time between jobs. Negotiate that salary, and just present your start date as a fact.

  6. I’m considering joining a federal agency that is represented by the National Treasury Employees Union. Is anyone a part of that? Can you tell me more about it? I’ve never had a job that was represented by a union before.

    1. Federal agency unions aren’t like private sector unions because they don’t have as much power…they have different power because of how their contracts are written. They’re good about helping you fight the bureaucracy if needed. And they’re always on Capitol Hill when there’s a shutdown looming telling them what a dumb idea that is. Of course they’re good about asking for raises. I’m sure the NTEU has a website. I’m not familiar with them, but AFGE is kinda the granddaddy of federal unions and they describe what they do as “legal representation, legislative advocacy and other services.” You can check out AFGE for a good idea of scope if NTEU doesn’t have much of an online presence.

    2. I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t want my career hamstrung by seniority rules and a ton of procedures that come with unionized workplaces. Hard pass. Great for the mediocre employee, rough on a high performer.

      1. Its a literal fed position- there’s no way that tons of procedure and rules aren’t going to be part of the job regardless of the union.

      2. This literally made me laugh. I have a federal government job that is not part of a union, and my job is still controlled by tons of procedures, policies, and bureaucracy. That just comes from working for the federal government.

          1. Some people care about the mission of their job, regardless of it being “hamstrung by procedures”

    3. I’ve worked in 2 unionized public sector workplaces. Make sure you’d actually be in the unit – managing attorneys who make hiring/firing decisions are excluded. It is a change to not negotiate a yearly raise, which theoretically feels like you might miss out. But your contract guarantees a yearly raise that is equitable and not based on one’s negotiating prowess. I also had fantastic benefits in both settings. I also liked the sense of camraderie among attorneys and support staff who would have otherwise been siloed across units.

    4. I am a lawyer at a federal agency represented by the NTEU. The union has obtained significant, remarkable benefits for the workforce in my agency. It is undoubtedly a much better place to work because of the union.

    5. I was at a career faire yesterday. My booth was next to the US Fish and Game people. During a slow period, a guy from the US Intelligence booth came over to see whether Fish and Game had any job level ## openings he could slide into. He said he worked for the CIA. My mind was kind of blown, I guess because of my own preconceived notions about what someone from the CIA would be like (probably not manning a career faire both and trying to slide into a Fish and Game job)

      1. I came back to comment that it was US Fish and Wildlife, which I guess is their official name now. The people in the booth all called it Fish and Game though.

      2. Turns out there is a not insignificant law enforcement/intelligence aspect to all those outdoorsy federal agencies. I have a friend who was high up in the National Parks Service and they actually sent him to the FBI training school at Quantico

  7. DH realized about six months ago that his nonprofit workplace is a sinking ship and that he needs to get out, soon. He’s been interviewing and nothing has panned out yet. However, I feel confident that his skills are versatile and the right opportunity will come up. He’s now a finalist for something that he seems fairly excited about. It’s also in the nonprofit field, and the catch is that it would undoubtedly mean a pay cut. I have some trepidation about this, and I will fully admit that it may be my own anxiety talking. Financially, we are solid and can live on less. But the “what ifs” get to me. Also, I am not super happy in my own job and would also like to make a change, and there is zero guarantee that I will be able to match my current salary elsewhere. My current job would have better benefits than the job DH is a finalist is for, which really locks me in.

    How does a couple make these decisions? We are fine now, and we could be fine on less. But I feel much more secure when we’re living well below our means, maxing out our retirement accounts, and saving a healthy amount each month.

    Maybe it’s OK if DH takes a rebound job, just to get himself out of the current situation? He told me today that he has to leave before the end of the year because this is affecting his mental health. And that made me pay attention because he is the most even-keeled dude and does not get stressed out easily, unlike me.

    I’m rambling, but I’d love to have some words of wisdom before we have a longer talk this weekend.

    1. You take what comes when it comes. You can’t do anything about what ifs. The only certainty right now is that your DH has a job interview. Take one thing at a time. Neither of you are stuck forever in either of these jobs.

      1. +1. I’d add never live at the edge of your means for big things that are hard to change. For example, buy less house than you can afford so you have wiggle room in what you need to earn. I’ve never stressed about taking pay cuts for better jobs, I’ve always quickly replaced that income by finding a better fit and getting promoted.

    2. literally look at the numbers. If you wanted to maintain your current savings pattern if both of you take pay cuts, what does that mean for your usual spending? Does it mean finding $1000 a month in discretionary spending to cut out (which could be like, 2x a week DoorDash plus daily Starbucks plus a random JCrew pick-me-up order) or like, does it make your mortgage unsustainable?

      1. We’re definitely not in the “mortgage is unsustainable” category. But yeah, it would affect our discretionary spending.

        1. Support him in taking the job. If his mental health is at stake, it is an easy call.

        2. Then it sounds like he pursues this opportunity assuming the offer comes through. I would say ‘I know you need to escape your job, I’m so glad to hear you excited about this, let’s take a look at anticipated salary and figure out how to make this work.’

    3. What’s to decide? There’s no other option. He hasn’t gotten other jobs. This is it.

    4. Your penultimate paragraph answers the question: he leaves. I stayed in a mentally unhealthy job for too long and it wrecked me for years. His long term potential is so much better when his mind is healthy.

    5. If layoff seems imminent, then he should take it if offered. It’s easier to look for dream job from a place of stability. What about longer term value? I once took a major pay cut to get a job with a much more relevant and senior title and better projects. It was a tough 18 months that I stayed but it gave me a reminder of healthy work culture and allowed me to pivot much higher than I could at initial job. Long game it was 100 percent the right move. (PS: Never let an employer give you a goofy job title that means very little outside the organization as part of a promotion . That was a huge hard-won lesson.)

    6. He should leave. If things feel tight and nobody wants to cut back on spending, maybe someone can get a side hustle for a bit.

    7. Get him out, by whatever means necessary. I left a job that destroyed my mental health with nothing lined up in July, and I’m just now starting to feel like myself again. I will forever be grateful to my husband that he supported me in this – things are tight right now, yes, but we’ve got all of our needs (including intensive therapy for me, out of pocket) and some of our wants covered. Do what you guys need to in order to get him out before it gets really bad!

  8. just a PSA- if you know you have a ton of tubes of chapstick *somewhere* but can’t find them, just go buy a new one and all the others will come out to meet their new friends. :-) ( 5 isn’t too many to keep at my desk, right?)

    3. As it turns out, my old airpods were waiting for me to get new ones before they revealed their hiding place. Glad I kept the receipt.

  9. Struggling after my recent miscarriage. My best friend is pregnant, another close friend is pregnant, a coworker just announced she’s pregnant with a due date close to what mine was, and I’m being assessed for a rare complication that has me anxiously refreshing my email to see if the test results are in yet. I just want to scream into the void for a moment here.

    1. I am so very sorry. I’ve been there, and it absolutely sucked. I know nobody was getting pregnant at me, to use a phrase tossed around here, but it was emotionally difficult. Feel your feelings.

    3. I am so very sorry. This sounds very difficult. Sending you a hug. I hope you treat yourself extra nicely right now.

    4. Struggling with fertility issues, about to have my second related surgery, and can certainly relate! Sending a virtual hug.

  10. Making another Old Navy holiday plug like a total shill. I ordered some more of their velvet stuff (already had the jumpsuit, tried the jacket/pants) and it’s excellent quality. I’m not keeping it because I realized I don’t have enough holiday events to justify additional outfits, but I’m super impressed. Also keeping a pair of the pleather pants because they’re shockingly cute and comfy and I want to be someone who owns pleather pants.

  11. My brother and his boyfriend are breaking up. They’ve been together a few years, live together, and boyfriend has joined us on many family moments. I adore my brother and care deeply for boyfriend, who is a good guy. It’s just not working out for them. What is the etiquette for staying in a friendship with boyfriend? I assume I take my brother’s lead. But any advice is appreciated.

    1. I’m sorry, you really don’t. In similar circumstances my sibling’s partner actually proactively sent us all notes saying that she wished us well, would be disconnecting on SM to make a clean break, but appreciated our friendship during their relationship.

    2. Ugh I’m so sad for you all. The answer is you don’t. My sister divorced a man that I considered a brother and was DH’s closest friend. He moved out of state and things just….drifted. He and DH still text sometimes but not regularly. While I know they needed to divorce, I’m still sad to have lost my BIL. He’s dating a nice woman now and I’m happy for them.

      1. My sister pulled an extreme version of this when I got divorced. She said that I had no right to take away her “brother.” They weren’t even that close, but suddenly it all was about her. He was a really bad husband to me and she basically took his side. I’ve forgiven but haven’t forgotten.

    3. You don’t. Even if you like him, there is no reason to stay friends. Especially for your brother’s sake.

    4. I disagree with above posters a bit. I think if your brother is fine with it AND the soon to be ex is comfortable with it, you can stay friendly. But if it makes your brother uncomfortable you should respect his feelings, and of course the ex may want distance from your family, which you should also respect. So it’s not likely, but it is possible you could maintain a friendship.

      1. This right here. I would never turn up at a family event or anything like that, but there are a few members of my ex’s family I stayed connected to on social media, and would meet for lunch if I was passing through the area where they live. It’s no big deal, just don’t be weird.

    5. Even in the unlikely scenario that this is truly a healthy option for all above, it falls apart when the brother gets a new significant other. I even say that as someone who has stayed friends with my own exes, but somehow the family staying friends with the ex feels like it would take uncomfortable to another level for the new person. Seems like the start of a bad rom com plot.

    6. I actually had a disagreement with my two cousins about this. Their brother, who is also my cousin obviously, broke up with his girlfriend and he asked his sisters not to contact her. They got really pissed off at him and thought that was out of line (“she was a guest at my wedding, I’m not going to throw her out like yesterday’s garbage” was said). However, I was on his side because the “friendship” between his ex and his sisters was at acquaintance level at best and it was no real loss for them, but they just wanted to argue. I thought respecting the wishes of the one in the relationship was more important. I think it’s worth assessing the true dynamics in your situation.

    7. My MIL stayed close with my husband’s ex-wife and her family until she died. At first I thought it was weird but there was never any unpleasantness for us.

  12. Low stakes Q: are Gel-X nails comfortable? I have always worn my nails really short and natural. I rarely get manicures because they only last a week at best, but I do like having my nails “done”. I’m considering trying short gel-x nails, but I’m afraid I’ll absolutely hate them. I think they’re cute on others and people seem to REALLY like having them. Slightly longer fake nails seem like a sensory nightmare for me, but maybe they’re not. I’m afraid I’ll pay $75+ and take them off the next day.

    1. I have short nails and I love gel manicures. I don’t know the gel x brand though.

      I really can’t stand those long pointy fingernails. They seem gross to me. I’m looking forward to them going back out of style.

      I SAID what I SAID.

      1. I agree with your second paragraph!

        As for gel manicures, I have short nails and every year or so I let the place that does my pedicures talk me into gel polish. I always regret it, sadly. Last time I had it done it rapidly lifted badly along the cuticle and side edge (poor application, I am sure, but I was stuck with the results). I soaked it off as gently as possibly and my nails are now ruined until they grow out. Some version of this happens every time I try this. I’m 58 years old but apparently will never learn….

    2. They fall off after a day or two. I would go with traditional acrylic or a simple gel polish on natural nails. The extensions are fun though and make the silouhette that you are heeled and in a manicured profession

    3. I just tried some for the first time- rarely get manicure and have never had acrylics or any sort of extensions before. Mine lasted 2-3 weeks. I enjoyed having them! But getting them applied hurt a lot, the UV light felt like it was burning through my nail bed in a surprisingly painful way. And continued to hurt for about 24 hours. I hope it was just a bad nail tech and that’s not just part of the deal. I am reluctant to try them again because of that pain. Also they did really destroy my nails when I had them taken off.

    4. I keep my nails short and do regular gel polish on top of my natural nails. I get them done every 5 weeks, which I keep almond shaped. I was a nail biter until I turned about 30, but keeping up with gel makes them look put together and keeps me from biting them.

    5. I read this as Gen-X nails and wondered what exactly that is supposed to be. My own actual Gen-X nails are currently short and dark blue a la Andrea Savage on I’m Sorry.

  13. If a posted salary has a 30K range between the lower and upper limits, is there any data out there about where a typical offer falls? Or, is it very case-by-case? Similarly, is it ever reasonable to expect an offer to be in the higher end of the range? What I’m getting at is, I don’t know whether to apply to a position where the lowest end of the range would be too low, and I’d really need to be midrange or above. Just trying to figure out how likely it is that an offer could start at the midpoint. It my mind, if you post a range, a candidate should be able to get an offer above the bottom assuming they’re the ideal. Crap shoot? Or any data to show trends out there? (Note, not in the law industry).

    1. Apply. Sometimes you’ll see a range like that because it’s reflecting a wide range of experience levels that could be acceptable, or others with the title already there reflect a wide range of experience levels. They often do that so they don’t screen out the great candidate who is underpaid or the really experienced candidate who needs a good financial incentive to leave right off the bat.

    3. I work at a state university. To get the high end of the range, we have to be able to justify it by you being at the high end of the experience and other required or desired skills range. It’s definitely possible to get hired at the absolute top of the posted salary (my husband did), but it really depends on the job and how realistically they decide to frame the range for the job posting.

    4. I work in government and my agency hires at the top end of the range regularly—40-60% of the time.

    5. I would not assume you’ll get the upper end but I think you can reasonably expect to get around the midpoint.

    6. Be honest with what it would take for you to make a move. If you wouldn’t make a move at the lower end of the range, make that clear.

      Expecting the top of the range usually means you’re applying for too low-level of a job.

      1. Thanks for the insights above (encouraging!) It’s a lateral move but a better environment/specific job duties I prefer compared to current role. Also, the possibility of that midpoint or more pay raise.

        1. Also think benefits. This means just as much salary when weighing an opportunity. Things like 401k contribution, health insurance and bonus structures can make very real differences.

  14. Help me shop!! I just learned I will be invited to a holiday dinner for the C-suite and select other leaders at my company. I don’t have any other event details at this point but I’m guessing it will be at an upscale restaurant with festive attire. After years of WFH and menopausal body changes, I need a new outfit, preferably something versatile enough to re-wear in the future. I’m a short hourglass and want to avoid bare arms and back (but bare decolletage and legs are okay) and anything bodycon. Rufflepuff and jumpsuits are not my style. I love metallic fabrics but maybe that’s outdated? Budget up to $400.

    1. Personally i would go for a LBD in this situation and do holiday sparkle with accessories. Sometimes someone in the C su-te has bold taste and would wear like, a silver disco ball kind of dress to something like this, but that doesn’t mean everyone should.

  15. My family is doing thanksgiving in Sarasota FL instead of small town MN (my mom passed and it was her wish that we go somewhere warm – she never made it out of the Midwest!) Looking for what suggestions on what to wear and also what to do. It’s just adults, my siblings and their spouses (we are all 40s). We prefer relaxing but I’m sure some will want to be near the ocean if possible – if it’s not too cold?

    1. How fun! My extended family lives just south of Sarasota and we are there often for the holidays. Most of the time it’s warm enough for the beach but check the weather – you may hit a cold snap. It wouldn’t be completely out of the ordinary for it to be in the mid 60s or low 70s. A few things I think are fun (note I am not really a tourist so I’m sure others may have better suggestions): a kayak mangrove tour, Siesta Key beach, the Ringling museum, the beach/tiki bar next to the Ritz. We have also done a hike through Myakka State Park and I enjoyed it – it was a nice change of scenery if you don’t get a good beach day.

    2. I’m sure some will tell you it will be too cold for swimming, but it really depends where you’re coming from and what you’re used to. We regularly swim in Florida (even farther north) in November/December. The ocean takes a while to cool off, so it can be pretty comfortable for swimming through late fall – warmer than New England in the summer, and we swim there. But everyone has a different comfort level; it’s too cold for many, especially people who live in the South and are used to warmer temps. Air temps in Sarasota that time of year are likely to be highs in the mid-upper 70s with lows around 60, so pretty comfortable for being outside in a t-shirt or sundress, maybe with a sweater for early morning.
      The Manatee Viewing Center in Apollo Beach is a fun place to see manatees, sharks and other wildlife, plus they have touch tanks with captive rays.
      Enjoy! Sorry for the loss of your mom.

    3. No advice on Sarasota specifically but that area of FL is def warm enough in Nov. for sitting or walking the beach, and depending on your tolerance for chilly water, fine for swimming. My in-laws are between there and Naples and we love visiting in late fall.

      1. Oh and as far as what to wear, for a weeklong stay at Thanksgiving-
        – swimsuits & coverups
        – casual shorts & tee outfits for biking around
        – dressy-casual sundresses in neutral colors (just bc it’s FL doesn’t mean it’s Lilly-bright year round) for nicer dinners
        – comfy outfits to grab takeout for bringing home to eat in the screened porch
        – 1-2 long pant / long sleeve options in case it turns breezy-chilly at night

        1. oh and omg I keep intending to finish these posts with a note of condolences for your Mom :)

    4. The Ringling Museum and house tour is a great way to spend a day. The grounds are a really pleasant walk, the museum is worth the trip (mostly paintings of dead European guys, but the Asian Art Pavilion is amazing), and the circus museum is interesting in its own right. The house tour is fun, too (It was featured in an episode of Antiques Roadshow a few years back if you want a peek). Ca d’Zan is seriously over the top. That’s the fun thing about the John and Mabel Ringling – they liked what they liked and heck with what might have been fashionable, tasteful or any other adjective at the time. They unapologetically did their own thing.

      Asolo Repertory Theatre will be putting on Crazy for You while you’re in the area, which is a really fun show, IMO. I’ve played in the pit for several productions and it’s one that never really gets old. It’s Gershwin’s greatest hits strung together with the smallest bit of plot the writers could get away with. Nothing too heavy.

      The Selby Gardens is well worth it if you like botanical gardens and especially orchids. It would probably be fun to see and walk through all the tropical plants if the weather has already turned cold and gray where you’re coming from. I’m a plant nerd and love it there.

      If you’re staying somewhere with a kitchen, any Publix will have all your Thanksgiving meal staples, and Sarasota is snowbird central, so they’re very likely to have any regional MN favorites as well as the usual Thanksgiving staples. If you order a pre-made dinner from there, the turkey and green bean casserole are both really good, but their dressing/stuffing is crap. That said, you’re right on the Gulf, so I’d go non-traditional and make a feast of local grouper or snapper. Owen’s Fish Camp is really excellent if you want to go our for a great seafood meal.

      I’m not a huge beach person, but the beaches are nice. There are really no bad beaches in the area. The Floridians won’t be in the water, but the folks down from Minnesota and Canada will be.

      Sarasota had a big boom in the 1950s and some really great modern architecture and there are good tours available. Sarasota MOD weekend will have just passed when you are there. If you’re into architecture, there are tours available. I’m partial to Paul Rudolph’s early work there.

      If are into antiques/estate sales, Sarasota is a place where a lot of well-to-do people move in their older age and eventually shuffle off this mortal coil. That means some really, really nice belongings up for sale of all eras and tastes.

      1. I don’t know if this is still true, but I spent my teen years in Sarasota (do not recommend for that age group) and at that time you could still find some crazy things in thrift/vintage stores because so many circus people were around. Neighboring Venice was the winter home of the Ringling Bros. circus for years. One of my high school classmates’ parents were retired trapeze artists, and she and her sister were also flyers through the Sailor Circus, which at that time was affiliated with the school dept. I think.

        1. I believe descendants of circus performers in Gibsonton are working hard to preserve their history. I worked with a woman whose first job out of high school was riding elephants!
          Sarasota is unfortunately ground zero for a lot of the Moms for Liberty nonsense, but for vacation length stays it’s not bad, especially if you’re into the arts.

  16. Any skiers here? I haven’t been skiing in years – since before kids 7 years ago – and am finally getting to go over next spring break. I’m in ok shape but I mainly just walk and eat healthy, with the occasional easy Pickleball game on weekends. I was a pretty darn good skier back in the day and it would mean a lot to me to be able to challenge myself and enjoy myself when I’m on the slopes (without injury!). Any advice on workout programs or things I should prioritize in preparing for the trip? I did Insanity before ski trips when I was younger but I am not currently fit enough to start that! Maybe in a few months….

    2. Occasional intermediate skier here. My biggest tip is half-day lift tickets. It is more fun to ski all-out for 4 hours and stop when you start to tire than it is to feel obligated to get your money’s worth out of a full day ticket and completely wear yourself out. Those last few runs are less and less fun and are where you are more likely to injure yourself.

    3. I’m ski every year and I start doing wall sits, lunges and squats (up/down & pulses) every Dec. 1.

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