Weekend Open Thread

227 Comments

1. what is the 2024 strategy for wearing a dress (hits below knee) without hosiery in January at a business conference? are we wearing nude hose? self tanner for the leg? doesn’t matter, wear your leg color?

   1. Can you wear tall boots? That’s what I keep seeing with midi skirts. If it’s just below knee probably just regular pumps. If your legs are really pasty maybe self-tanner or tights?

   2. Knee high dress boots or hosiery in the same color as my shoes. I still subscribe to the ‘block of color’ rule – your hosiery should either match your dress or your shoes (or be nude for you).

   3. Tall boots.

   4. OP here…no to tall boots, this is a very professional sheath dress in black. I understand the column of color approach but black hose doesn’t look great. I guess nude hose or self tanner…is anyone wearing bare legs? This is for an indoor conference in Vegas btw.

      1. I’d go by the weather, I’ve only been to Vegas when it’s boiling hot so not sure about winter. If it’s 55 degrees or warmer, I’d go bare legs, colder nude hose.

         1. You really can’t rely on 55 or warmer in Vegas in January. The highs could be anywhere from 45-65. Mornings and evenings will almost certainly be below. For locals, its cold next week.
            Though more important is the AC/heat inside. Conference rooms in Vegas will be more or less the same all year, fairly chilly by my standards. If you normally get cold, wear something on your legs. If you’re normally comfortable without, you’ll be fine unless you want to go get dinner at a different location.

      2. Honestly, for an indoor conference in Vegas I would go bare legged if that’s how you feel most comfortable.

         I live in a winter / snowy climate and this time of year no one goes bare legged at work except some folks in their 20s. Tall boots or tights or v. shear hose. It’s cold, and you look a bit out of touch otherwise.

         But I would think it warmer climates, things are less so.

      3. I wouldn’t go bare legs to any conference, regardless of the weather outside. The A/C is usually cranked up.

         1. Exactly. I’ve never been to a comfortably warm conference, so no nude legs. I’ve also never used self tanner, so that just leaves nude hose.

         2. I was bare-legged at a conference in Vegas last month and was completely fine. Most people wore pants, not dresses, but I dont recall seeing anyone in dresses noticably wearing hose or tights. It wasn’t a super formal dress code (no suits, but lots of non-matching suit separates) so YMMV.

      4. Sheer hose are having a comeback moment right now.

         1. I think this is a good answer – sheer black hose.

   5. I swear, I could have written this post myself. I’m speaking for a couple of days at a conference there at the end of January and am totally stumped. For rest of the conference I’ll be in sweater or ponte dresses with opaque tights and flats (flats have a bit of a point so work with dresses), but it doesn’t look right with a sheath dress or skirt suit (which I prefer when I’m trying to look professional). Worse is that I’m on to another conference in the snowy NE on the same trip, so I really want shoes/outfits that can work double-time if possible. I’m leaning to sheer hose but don’t know whether to go skin colored or black.

      1. Microfishnets were always my solution. Little bit of visual interest and warmth but not as staid a pantyhose.

   6. My strategy would be to wear a gray (or other non-black) dress and black tights. But if you don’t have a gray/non-black dress, then black tights, as sheer as you’re comfortable, with the black dress you do own. Do you have a non black accessory to punch it up?

      1. Great idea….i don’t have a non black accessory to punch it up…that would help

   7. From a blog with more current fashion observations
      https://cupofjo.com/2024/01/04/sheer-black-tights-trend-2024/

   8. Wear super sheer hose. No one can tell.

   9. I have been enjoying LA Law on Prime lately. Just noticed Gracie wearing her suit with black hose to court. This was the norm for day dressing and, while I don’t the shoulder pads back, I do miss not trying to figure out bare legs.

2. I’m late getting out my holiday cards, but here’s a question— My last name is different than DH and DDs, so are we: (1) the Hisname / Hername Family or (2) the Hername / Hisname Family?

   Cannot find an answer with simple websearching, so hoping to poll for opinions. This will also help for addresses since we have a few addressees with similar family set ups. FWIW, he’s got a very common last name (think Smith or Jones) and I’ve got a weirder, harder to spell name. I lean toward option 1 because I feel it puts more emphasis on his name, which is used by 75% of us.

   1. For my friends with that situation I just use first names. I think you could do the slash version you noted, but avoid hyphens.

   2. I would do it alphabetically. Happy Holidays from the Apple and Banana Family.

      1. Unless your kids have your name as their middle name, in which case I would do it in the order of their names and drop the “and.” Happy Holidays from the Banana Apple Family

   3. Just do first names.

      1. Srsly. My friends know that I never changed my name and people we know socially think it’s all the same name (kids and husband share a name). Unless you are feeding me some property, it doesn’t much matter. My bank accepts checks if I endorse them even if the version of my name doesn’t match my passport.

   4. I use our first names. I’m not sure what I’ll do if we have kids. I guess name the first one and if we have more than one, Ann, Bob, and kids?

      1. I posted below, but one thing I noticed in the years I just did our first names was the number of cards and invitations addressed to Mr. and Mrs. his last name. When I changed to spelling out our last names in holiday card return addresses that cut down by about 80% the following year and turned into a lot of the My Name/His Name family. As someone without kids, I’m always touched when people include “family” regardless since we are one.

   5. We just sign ours with our first names (and our return address labels are just first names as well). If I’m addressing a card to a couple with different names, I’ll usually write out both names. Amongst a lot of our friends, once people start having kids, the kids will have a different name then either parent (think: Jane Doe, John Smith, Sally Doe-Smith, Timmy Smith-Doe) at which point I switch to just first names for the sake of everything fitting on the envelope.

   6. We do it in the order that sounds more natural for our particular combination (basically they flow slightly better in one order than another). That means mine first, his+kids second.

      1. +1

      2. Us too. MyLast HisLast. Because the other way around sounds like an internal body part.
         I don’t know that there is an absolute right way.
         For friends, I either use whatever they use on their Christmas cards or I list each person individually. Or I ask.

   7. Do whatever you want. I’ve done both first names, full names, His Last/ My Last family, and a combo of our names celebrity style like “House Brangelina” – all depends on my mood in any given year and I have return address stamps in all these combos too.

   8. When I’m addressing cards to folks in that situation you describe, I do the lastname lastname family (alphabetical.)

   9. When I was married, our return label addresses and our outgoing voice mail message (in the old days of a landline with an answering machine) were in the form of MyLastName/HisLastName solely because of the sound – it was more awkward the other way around. Think Ward/Albert v Albert/Ward

   10. Mine/His. I don’t bother with “family” but you do what you like.

       1. * his includes kids.

   11. We do The HisLast MyLast Family for our cards. I usually address others a similar way but don’t worry too much about the order and sometimes put the person I’m closer to first.

   12. I sign my cards the Mylastname & Hislastname Family. Not sure what the convention is either, tbh.

   13. I always put my first name, his first name and the kids in age order. The return address says my last and his last, like we’re a lawfirm or a 2010 blog. I’m the only one who cares about the cards. I pick the picture where I look the best and put my name first, no one’s ever said anything!

   14. The premise of this question is kind of confusing. You clearly bucked convention by keeping your birth name when you got married, so why would you care about following a convention about order of your last names? FWIW, I don’t think there is a convention, because different last names itself is unconventional.

       We do “[mylast/hislast] family.” My last name comes first alphabetically but that’s not why we did it. Our kids’ last names are hyphenated and my last name goes first, so it made the most sense to name our family that way too.

       1. It’s not about following a social convention, it’s about “wtf are you supposed to write there.”

   15. I purposely hyphenated mine so we could be “the Smith family”, even though I’m Jane Jones-Smith. Husband and kids are just Smiths. In different situations I am known as Jane Jones, Jane Smith, and Jane Jones-Smith so I’m totally fine being “the Smiths”

       1. That’s a completely different scenario though. OP didn’t take her husband’s name at all.

   16. I do Hername + Hisname Family but would not care if the order was reversed

   17. I would do alphabetical order.

       1. And also? Why on earth do some people, who know me well and see me regularly and know darned good and well what my name is, address Christmas cards to “Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast?” Not super mad, just genuinely puzzled.

          1. I get mad at this.

             1. Ugh, my husband’s family members used to go out of their way to do this. It was no accident. My husband finally said to knock it off and to their credit they did, but they continue to find other ways to throw zingers at me.

             2. I do too. I briefly considered hyphenating my last name or using his socially or something. But every time I see MyFirst HisLast it confirms I made the right decision for me in keeping my name.

          2. Oh don’t get me started on older extended relatives that address our cards to “Me and Him [his last name]” when they know perfectly well I didn’t change my name and just don’t like it.

   18. DH and I have different last names and we just use our first names on cards.

   19. I do the Smith & Jones family.

   20. In case oyu’re still looking – I hyphenated my name to be Hername-Hisname, and we send out our cards as the “Hername-Hisname Family”. It’s also how we did our wedding invites.

   21. If the children have a hyphenated name, I use that order. Otherwise I think it’s kind of random based on what sounds good.

   22. It’s your family. You 100% get to decide. There is no “right” answer here.

3. Found out I have to go back to the office 5 days a week in February. We’ve previously had a very generous hybrid schedule so I’m still wrapping my mind around how to reacclimate to working in the office full time.

   Any advice from people who’ve already been through this transition?

   1. What happens if you don’t? Will they be tracking everybody?

      I would get another job tbh.

      1. Yes, they will be tracking everybody.
         Getting another job is not an option right now so I’m looking for advice to ease my transition back to working in the office.

   2. I haven’t, but I’m concerned this could happen in my office. I’ve been full time WFH for almost 4 years and love it; I cannot imagine going back more than once a week.

   3. Where are you located and what industry? Did they give you a rationale?

      1. I work in higher ed, so I’m not altogether surprised. Their rationale was unsatisfying and I’m just resigned to having to go in now.

         1. In higher ed!? Well, that’s me terrified. I don’t know what to suggest other than seeing if you can reduce stress on the home front, getting comfortable work clothes, and stocking up on better work snacks.

   4. I thought that companies forcing everyone to return to the office was just a method of getting people to look for another job before layoffs so I’d job hunt asap. If that’s not possible, I would try to remember strategies that worked for you pre covid. Things that helped me are meal prepping lunches on Sunday. I would pack a lunch for Monday to Thursday and allow myself to buy lunch on Fridays. I would lay out my clothes for the week on Sunday nights and check the weather forecast to be prepared.If you have your own desk at the office, keep all the essentials there like Advil, hand cream, tampons, etc. Also, I found that if I left home a half hour earlier it would significantly cut down on my commute time.

      1. That is definitely the case for some employers but is not universal. My company just went from two to three days mandatory in office (and they will be tracking with key cards) and I fully expect us to be 4 or 5 days by next year.

         There is not just one reason but in some departments, we noted a marked increase in productivity in “on-site” days (where there was an objective method of tracking). But honestly, the sense that the hiring crunch is over in our industry so they can make people come back without risking losing a lot of people is probably playing a role. We are not trying to shed personnel but if one or two people leave the higher-ups are willing to take the hit.

   5. If you can, take a vacation day the first day everyone is back in the office. I was one of the first people in my office back during COVID and was used to being and working in the office, but OMG that first day when everyone was back was nuts. I was ready for the noise and general mayhem. It was really overwhelming, but did calm down after that first day. I wish I’d been somewhere else.

   6. I would try to plan your outfits–including shoes–and take a moment to try each on. Have a plan for the first week. You won’t always need to do this, but it will help you recognize things you don’t feel comfortable in before you’re against the clock. Keep a running list of anything that needs to be replaced.

      Give yourself a hard deadline for bed time. Future you will thank you since getting ready can feel like a lot more effort.

      Make a list of any upcoming appointments and see if you can get anything that needs to be switched closer to the beginning or end of day (for example, running out for a half hour works when I’m at home–if I do this working downtown, I’ll easily lose half the day since commute time is in there as well).

      Schedule some “treats” for your first week or two back. Take yourself out to lunch rather than bring it and enjoy the day. Ask a coworker to coffee. One of the biggest benefits of being in office is usually that having you there “counts.” I would never take myself to Starbucks when I was wfh, but I didn’t think twice about it when I was running out with a colleague or moving one of our meetings there. There are few perks of being in-office. But try to focus on what they are. This will help your soul a little.

      Wash your hands religiously and make sure you have a stash of wipes. Your immune system is likely to take a hit for a bit.

      1. This. When I had to RTO 3x week I realized I was extremely focused on my wardrobe. I had no idea what to wear but it was one thing I could control.

         Review the commute and parking situation.
         I literally made a list of what to bring to the office in my professional bag and my purse. Professional and personal items, everything from laptop charger to chapstick.
         Research some lunch or coffee places or pleasant places to walk to during the day and maybe even schedule with a meetup with a colleague or friend out of the office during your first few weeks. Something to look forward to. Does not have to be expensive.
         Bring snacks.

         Have fun?
         Good luck

   7. I’ve been back 5 days/week since 2023. It was a little rough at first. Here’s my advice.
      – Next week. Spend 30 minutes a night, if needed, assessing your wardrobe. Meaning, do your work pants feel ok? Do you have socks you like, do your shoes fit? Do you have to dry clean a coat if you have to park and walk across campus? I don’t mean assessing for style, although this blog will help, but literally can you put 5 outfits together. Make a list for True Necessities. My RTW date was pushed back twice so I don’t advise shopping yet.
      – Week after: start waking up at the time you need to go to work. Pay attention to errands ran during the day, or make note of what you are used to doing you need to change. If your husband cooks and you do the dishes, you won’t be home until 5-6pm soon. Is that division of labor going to work?
      – Week of 22nd: wear a head to toe real work outfit all day at least 3 days/week. Stop doing errands and/or schedule tasks you can like grocery pickup, so you don’t need to learn it the first week of Feb. Get a jump start on early month things if you can. Everyone being back in office full time means a lot more talking and water cooler catch-up minutes for a couple weeks. I was mentally exhausted and frustrated I didn’t get some advance work done.
      – Week of 29th: spend 10 min packing your work essentials bag. This board has tips but just focus on real needs. Go to the office at least twice. Practice the commute, figure out where to buy/store your lunch, where you’ll sit, being gone 9 hrs/day.
      – Feb- give yourself a break at home at night if your brain is fried. See if you can plan work so this week back isn’t All The Urgent Deadlines.
      You got this! After 3 weeks; I love it. my days are more structured, I enjoy home more, the commute isn’t bad because not many offices in my metro are back full time, I am befriending casual links like baristas again and finally feeling more “normal.”

   8. When you get back to the office, don’t get sucked into playing sides about WFH. Some people will be livid or frustrated and in search of allies, wanting to complain all day – avoid. Some people will be thrilled to finally be able to socialize all day – avoid. Be very neutral and matter of fact about it, since that’s what you need to be. Be warm and professional, just don’t engage in the sides-taking.

      One of the real advantages of being in the office, is to be able to have a clear divide between work and time off, so try to lean into that and enjoy your home as a home, and that when you step in the door, you make that mental switch.

4. TL;DR
   Can I just schedule a biopsy?

   Background:
   I found a lump and was sent for an ultrasound. The lump is visble on the ultrasound and the reccomendation was for more tests. I’ve now had more ultrasounds, a mammogram, and a CT scan. While I wait on the mammogram results can I just go ahead and schedule a biopsy to learn what it is? I feel it, my doctor saw it, and it is visible on at least one ultrasound and on a CT. I’m really annnoyed at this run around. The scheduling through this health system isn’t lightning fast.

   1. I would guess no you cannot unless you have private insurance/doctors. But you can ask your doctor if they could write for prior approval or just tell you how much it would be out of pocket?

   2. Ugh, so sorry you’re doing through this Roller girl. That’s really surprising honestly that they didn’t schedule you for a biopsy if you’ve had the scans and they aren’t clear. Frankly, if I were you in this circumstance, I’d feel pretty good that they aren’t rushing you into a biopsy and I’d just try to wait it out. Usually they go straight there if there’s any issue. Do you know what your BIRAD score was?

      1. I just got the mammogram results and there is a BI-RAD score of 0.

         1. Ah, that is what is driving the lack of a biopsy. That’s an “incomplete score”. They cannot yet determine whether you need a biopsy. I totally get it – the not knowing sucks. But I suspect they’re going to make you do more scans first.

   3. Ask your doctor to issue a biopsy order, and if he/she refuses, ask her/him why? the lump is there, no more imaging is needed to confirm that yep, there’s a lump there. Now it’s time to find out what that lump consists of. If your doctor feels this is not his/her specialty, then ask for a referral to an oncologist to be able to credibly get the biopsy order. Good luck!

   4. This is odd, and does make me wonder if they aren’t sure it is breast related per se… I mean, maybe they think it is nowhere in the breast cancer realm and are trying to avoid putting you through an unnecessary biopsy.

      Are you at a major medical center?
      Who is ordering these tests?
      Do people call you after each one with the results? What did they say after your last test/result?

      I would call whoever has been ordering your tests, and ask them what is going on? Ask your PCP to look into it and tell them how stressful this is.

      There must be someone deciding to order each successive study with a rationale that makes sense.

      But no… you usually do not order a biopsy on your own, as each hospital/clinic decides on who does the biopsy based on what they think might be going on, to some extent. You can’t just look up online a doctor for “biopsies”. You could call your local breast clinic specialists for an appointment to sort through this, but they are usually surgeons who see people who already have imaging done and biopsies done. And it could take awhile to get an appointment there.

      1. Thanks for your response, it really helps me figure out what to do next.

   5. Oh that’s odd, I’ve had two biopsies (before 30!) and each time the procedure was the same: GYN felt lump during well woman exam, referred for ultrasound, ultrasound confirmed mass and not cyst, referred for biopsy. This procedure was the same even though I was at two separate health systems (in different states, on different insurances) for them.

      1. I’m going through this now…found a lump when I was showering, called my GYN, she confirmed it was there, referred me for imaging, got a mammogram and an ultrasound (in the same appointment), ultrasound confirmed it wasn’t a cyst, referred for biopsy. The doctor at the breast center did say it was a borderline case and we could recheck it in six months if I preferred to wait on the biopsy, but that she’d recommend getting it now so I’d know for sure. OP, given the differences in our experiences I would be VERY frustrated if I were you, and I’d be demanding a referral for a biopsy ASAP.

   6. When this happened to me, I made an appointment with a breast oncologist/surgeon in my area. People I knew had seen her and she’s widely regarded as the best. I have a PPO so I could make an appointment with her directly. It wasn’t a biopsy appointment, but an office appointment. She was great and got me in for a biopsy immediately. Which fortunately showed that my lump is a benign adenoma.

      This is her just in case you’re in my area:

      https://www.sutterhealth.org/find-doctor/dr-lisa-bailey

      Best of luck to you!

5. I joined an insurance plan with an HSA this year – 3 days ago I wrote to customer service asking when I would get info about the HSA, and… crickets. Am I missing something? Self employed so this was thru the marketplace.

   1. Try again — many schools and people were still out on Monday.

      1. +1
         Very slow week.
         Make a phone call instead.

   2. I’m not sure if there’s something different through the marketplace, but I have an HSA-eligible policy through my employer and my employer doesn’t provide/fund an HSA so I just set one up at Fidelity (for investment options). The insurer doesn’t provide any info.

   3. Especially if you bought it through the marketplace, I doubt there’s a directly connected HSA – your insurance plan is an HDHP that allows you to have an HSA but you’re responsible for setting up and funding an HSA account yourself. Mine is through Fidelity and I’ve have good experiences.

   4. Always call insurance companies if you’re unable to get the information from the website.

6. Have we had a holiday vent thread yet? This was my and DH’s first Christmas as a married couple but like most people we’d been living together before that. DH’s aunt always sends each of her kids and nieces and nephews a big container of delicious Christmas cookies. I’d only met her in person once before this Christmas, at a previous year’s Christmas. At that time, I sang the praises of her cookies and told her I so admire people who can bake because I’m hopeless. She expressed surprise and told me I just need practice, and DH explained that he does all the baking in our house so I don’t set the kitchen on fire (again). I thought the meeting went well overall. She didn’t come to our wedding because she said she couldn’t make the cross country trip, totally understandable.

   This year we didn’t get a package of cookies but didn’t really think anything of it. When we saw her in person, she had a big box of cookies for everyone in our generation except us. She said DH doesn’t need her cookies anymore because he has a wife to make cookies for him. We are not the only married couple in the bunch, btw, she still gives cookies to DH’s married sister. I don’t know what I did to offend her! I guess she really wants me to bake! DH was a little sad so his sister shared her cookies with him.

   1. That is so bizarre and would bug me endlessly. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong

   2. wow, that sucks! I am still a little peeved at that one time that we had some conversation where my then-boyfriend’s parents were somewhat overbearing, and I pointed out that he is an adult (he was almost 30 at the time). His mom then said in her eyes he stays a child until the day he marries. This was probably 10 years ago and I still roll my eyes at it.

   3. This is a her thing not a you thing.

      Also, until you mentioned about the sister I was wondering if she is getting older and finding all the cookies too much and looking for ways to cut back without admitting that.

   4. That is awful! The aunt is weird. Next year get a box of gourmet cookies for yourself from a local bakery before the holidays, because I guess you are off aunt’s cookie list for some inexplicable reason.

   5. You didn’t do anything to offend her she’s just a nasty lady being nasty.

   6. Wow! What a see-you-next-tuesday!!
      From the sound of it, the only thing you did to offend her was be a hopeless baker. She’s a tool and should be ashamed of herself.

      1. +1,000

         Good grief.

   7. You are not the problem, she is.

   8. 100% agree that she’s being mean and awful.

      I’m remanded about how much my sahm hated Hillary Clinton in the 1990s for saying she didn’t bake cookies. Like my mom took that as a jab at her entire being. I wonder if this lady took things that way too. I am not suggesting you did or said anything wrong. But I wonder if she wrongly took your lack of interest in baking as a criticism of its inherent value or she was just really threatened by a woman whose husband didn’t give a darn if she could bake. Again, I’m sorry this lady stinks and I’m sure you were kind and charming. I’d certainly have been charmed by that exchange if I were this lady. I’m just kind of interested in the psychology here. But to reiterate one more time it’s 100 percent her being a terrible human.

      My mom came around and voted for Hillary in 2016 btw in case anyone is horrified by this story.

      1. I shouldn’t laugh but I have to because I have a relative who buys baking mixes and gets offended if it ever comes up that I prefer scratch baking.

         1. Oh hi, I see you’ve met my mother in law. I’m not a big sweets person so I bake because if I do eat sweets I want them to be exactly what I like. It’s also hard to find traditional Jewish baked goods or a proper biscuit in my area. But I’m not baking challah bread to upstage you lady, I’m just craving challah French toast!

            1. Challah french toast is amazing. Have you ever made bread and butter pudding or leftover bread pancakes with it? Also amazing.
               I don’t know what my relative is thinking when they get offended. There are about a dozen reasons why I bake from scratch and upstaging this relative is not one of them.

      2. HRC didn’t just say she didn’t bake cookies. She said ‘I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession” in response to a question about conflict of interest between her work and then Gov. Clinton’s. Definitely a foot-in-mouth moment because sounded contemptuous of women who had stopped working when they had children.

      3. People often misinterpret disinterested/lack of skill as rejection and it’s exhausting. I’m awful at video games and when the topic comes up I’ll make a self deprecating joke about how I always drive off the track in Mario Kart and it’s not my forte. I can immediately tell the people who aren’t good at emotional regulation because they are so deeply offended even though I said nothing offensive.

         1. I would be one of those who would say something encouraging in response to this along the lines of “if you try you will get better”.
            I find this type of self-deprecating comment a typical Americanism (I am not American) because I can’t tell if they are truly bemoaning their inability to do well or if it’s a polite indicator that they are not interested enough to try!
            In case it’s the former, I try something along the lines of “try this… how about this…. I’m confident you can do well with practice!” etc.

      4. I remember the fallout from Hillary’s remark and how they ended up forcing her to publish a recipe for her favorite cookies in Parade magazine or something. It was so ridiculous.

         1. And now it’s a weird campaign tradition for first spouses to do this – so weird

            1. It was a tradition prior to Hillary, which was why she was asked for the cookie recipe to start out with. It was Family Circle. The annoying thing was that post-Hillary, instead of just publishing the recipes, the magazine made it into a bake-off and had readers vote on which candidate’s wife had the best recipe.

      5. I just have to laugh because my SAHM had the exact same reaction to the cookie comment back in the 90s which was frequently rehashed in 2015/2016 (same outcome).

   9. So she is punishing both of you for not abiding by gender norms? Nice.

      Sounds like you lucked out not having her at your wedding.

      If it happens again next year, I would almost be tempted to call her out. Hey, Bev, did you really just give everyone a gift but us? (I know, I know. That’s dream me who talks big. I’d probably just sit there and give her a fake smirk while she looks like the big jerk all on her own in front of everybody.)

   10. This is all about her, not about you. This sounds like exactly the sort of thing my MIL would do, but she’s a terrible cook so I wouldn’t be sad about missing out on her baking. My personal “favorite” dessert she has made was an ice cream pie made out of a stale store-bought graham cracker crust, some low-fat diet ice cream, and garnished with some off-brand chocolate syrup. It was like eating sweetened plastic.

       I am dreading tomorrow night. We have to go to my in-laws for makeup Christmas dinner (daughter had COVID) and it’s going to be super unpleasant.

   11. Aunt is petty, misogynistic, and weird. I’d watch out for her.

7. I know it’s meant to be worn with a cardigan but a cropped, sleeveless sweater is so funny to me. Let’s take a cozy warm sweater and make it totally impractical!

   1. I really don’t get it when people complain about short sleeve or sleeveless sweaters. There are so many other reasons why people wear clothing, including clothing made from knit fabric, than to keep warm. It’s such a weird thing to harp on, especially on a fashion blog.

      1. 100 percent. I don’t like to layer any ‘sleeve under sleeve’….I prefer a tank as my bottom layer and this sleeveless sweater is perfectly functional.

   2. I’ve always felt that way about sleeveless turtlenecks.

      For a while there were open-toed tall boots and I felt the same way.

8. Planning a family reunion in Chicago in mid-July for around 15 families. Any recs for hotels in downtown within walking distance to main attractions and is around $200/night or less? What are the main attractions for families with young kids? Millennium Park, Navy Pier, Riverwalk, Shedd Aquarium? I heard the architecture boat tour is cool so we may try to do that. We will probably also make reservations at a restaurant where we can get deep dish pizza. Any advice welcome!

   1. For kids the big museums can be wonderful, and often have special exhibits for kids if you look at their website. Museum of Science and Industry near University of Chicago. The Field Museum. There is also a Children’s museum in Chicago. The Planetarium can be fun. The beach – Lake Michigan is quite huge.

      We like Gino’s pizza with the cornbread crust (deep dish), but there are many places.

   2. What age kids? For younger kids, say 5 and under, I like the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum in Lincoln Park. It’s perfect for toddlers and preschoolers and the bigger, fancier museums will be wasted on them. Older kids will love the Museum of Science and Industry, Field Museum and Adler Planetarium. The Lincoln Park Zoo is great, and free. The Shedd Aquarium is ok – I personally think there are many better aquariums in the US, but it’s definitely considered part of the “big 4” museum group in Chicago (along with MSI, Field and Adler). Navy Pier has never been a huge hit with my kid, but I know some others like it.

      +100 to the beach, that’s a must in mid-July (you don’t even have to leave the city to go). I prefer Lou Malnati’s to Gino’s. Pequod’s is also popular.

      Don’t miss Stan’s Donuts.

      1. Thank you for these recs! Kids are between 2 and 13

   3. I’ve stayed at the Residence Inn Chicago Downtown/Loop before and it was in a great location, not too pricy, but right next to incredibly pricy hotels. Recommend.

      1. This is a great suggestion for family.

9. Similar to the bare legs question above, yesterday I put on opaque black tights with a sweater dress and realized I probably looked like an out-of-style millennial. I think the current trend is fleece lined sheer tights for winter, but are they too hot to wear all day in an office? And if not, what brands are people liking (I’m not paying $100 for Sheertex (!!!) and the reviews on some of the ones on Amazon seemed really mixed)?

   1. I don’t think black tights are ever out of style. It’s winter, it’s what you wear. It’s not particularly in, but it’s hardly a look worth stressing about.

      1. I am feeling my age because I can remember when opaque tights were for children and grown women did not wear them.

         1. Same.

         2. I mean that’s probably been a half a century since that was the case? I’m not young and have worn black tights my entire adult life.

            1. I have photos from the early 70s of adult women wearing opaque tights, so half a century at least.

            2. I’m in So Cal and it was certainly never a thing when I was young.

            3. Certainly there were times in the 70s and 80s when (mostly very brightly colored) tights were trendy. However, for professional office wear, they were generally not worn. I started working in a professional environment in the late 80s and we were pantyhose. Tides would have been bizarre out of place.

   2. If black tights are wrong, I don’t want to be right.

   3. Thinking of all the women in my office, I don’t see people wearing dresses and tights in the winter anymore. We wear pants now.

      1. Ehhh, I don’t. Pants don’t always fit right and a dress is often a lot easier. I have tons of work dresses in all different styles. But I pair with black tights in winter, it looks fine.

      2. That’s correct. We wear pants now. I was a dyed in the wool skirt and dress wearer for decades, but things have changed. I’m finally going to get rid of the last of my skirts and work dresses, and just keep a few dresses for weddings and things like that.

         1. Sigh, you may wear pants now but “we” haven’t given up dresses.

            1. I wish people would speak for themselves. ‘ “We” do/don’t this’ sounds too high-school-clique for a board of professional adult women.

            2. Fashion is a cliquish thing by nature. I don’t have a problem with “we.” I like to hear what people are seeing as new workplace norms. I only see the tops of people’s outfits on Zoom!

      3. Same. It’s kind of annoying b/c in SoCal, dresses with tights were perfect for the colder winter days (obvs still very mild, in the 50s-low 60s) and allowed us to mix it up. But now it seems like all pants.

   4. I would not wear fleece lined sheet tights to look cool but Hue has a pair if you want to try a reasonably priced pair.

   5. Saw someone wearing the fleece lined sheer tights in the wild the other day. Looked really silly because they bunched a little naturally and you could tell it wasn’t actually sheer.

      1. Sheer fleece is an oxymoron. Also fleece tights are so bulky that they make me think of Ramona Quimby telling her teacher her hose looked like an elephant’s legs.

   6. I’ve ended up paying $35 per pair of sheertex, they’re always having sales.

   7. I was never a fan of fully opaque black tights, especially since many of them have some sheen, which felt too jazz hands for me. My faves were always DKNY, which were semi-sheer, I believe around a 50 denier weight. Sadly, I haven’t been able to find them anywhere lately. I wore an old pair with a sweater dress this week and they have lost their will to stay up, so I’m in search of a new brand now.

      1. I think semi-sheer always looks a bit more adult (I am very short and have to avoid a “first day of school” look in general though).

      2. My problem with black hose of any sheerness is dark ankles (where they’re not as stretched sheer) and light calves (where they’re stretched more.) I just can’t stand the look.

   8. I view black tights as a very basic piece— much like black pants. I wear mostly skirts, but some pants in the winter, and I usually go for a variety of black thermal tights. I have black suede boots that end about four inches above the ankle, and tall suede boots, so both match black tights. I have other colours, but usually wear the black because it’s hard to find other colours in a warmer fabrication(usually they are sold out) black tights form a canvas for interesting skirts or dresses.I do want to branch out to taupey brown or Bambi coloured tights and find a pair of light brown boots one day, but that is a quest I may begin once I’m in the mood to start searching.
      I did see light brown sweater tights at uniqulo, (more casual though) but I have only been there once, never purchased their tights, so I wasn’t sure how they would fit. I’m more comfortable with hue sizing, so that’s my go to.

   9. I wear black tights with sweater dresses. I just want to be warm.

10. There’ve been a lot of posts about fragrances, and I’m interested in finding a signature scent for myself. I’ve never been a fragrance wearer and have no idea whether I like florals, musks, fruity, etc. How do you suggest I start identifying what I want? Is there an alternative to going to a store? Like is there a fragrance tester kit that I can order for home testing?

    1. I really think you just need to go to the store and smell them. A good store should have coffee beans there for you to sniff between perfumes, so you can “clear your palate.” Are there any other scented products in your life that you really like (or hate) like bodywash or hand soap? Maybe we could give you an idea from there.

       1. Go to a store and sniff. But you won’t know unless you wear it on your skin. My advice as someone who has been to perfume school! is to sniff no more than 8 scents on paper strips – take a break between them as necessary. The coffee beans are a gimmick. You clear your palate by going outside for a moment, or sniffing your own unfragranced skin – the crook of your elbow is a good place.

          Choose your favorite two of the 8 you’ve smelled on paper, then spray one of each on each of your wrists, then leave the store. Go to lunch or get a coffee or shop in a different store. Smell the fragrances as they go through their drydown process. The top notes will likely evaporate – depending on what they are – and then you should really be smelling the heart at around the 30+ minute mark. Several hours later, it will be all base notes. But you should like the base notes of any scent you decide to buy, because that’s what you’ll mostly be smelling time-wise.

          I like Nordstrom and Saks fragrance departments the best, but Macy’s tends to be fairly well stocked with designer scents. I prefer fragrances from houses that focus only on fragrance like Diptyque, but some of the desginers have enormous fragrance budgets and departments – like Dior and Chanel – so definitely check those out as well. Hermes is also a designer house with an outstanding fragrance department.

          One fun thing to do is order a Sephora sampler. That way you can wear each of the scents on skin for a day or so, then you can use the certificate for a full sized bottle. But they are going to be all designer scents (probably not including Chanel)

    2. My Sephora used to have this touchscreen thing in the fragrance section that quizzed you on what scents you like and recommended fragrances.

    3. Le Labo has a discovery set with 5 different sample sizes in it. Sephora also sells a couple of different sample sets of different brands of perfume.

    4. Why can’t you go to a store

    5. I wear a scent by Phlur that I discovered a few years ago after Kat posted a link to one of its samplers. (The scent, Siano, is now discontinued, to my extreme heartbreak.) They now offer a set of 10 samples that would be worth checking out, and I believe other perfumers like Jo Malone do the same. https://phlur.com/products/the-discovery-set

       1. Thanks everyone for the replies so far. I don’t mind going to a store but am not sure what kind is best for smelling a wide range of scents without pressure to buy. Department sore? Sephora? Ulta? Perfume boutique?

          As far as scents I’ve liked in the past, I gravitate to citrus and clean scents for cleaning products. The interest in finding a scent was inspired by a new shampoo (Anomoly clarifying shampoo) which I like has a lovely scent. I looked at the manufacturer’s website to see if they describe the scent, which they do not. I also read some user reviews to see that at least some people complain it has a horrible, chemical smell so I am lost!

          1. The bottle says this shampoo is charcoal and eucalyptus. Eucalyptus has a very strong scent, so that might be what you enjoy. It’s often described as clean. It’s more like a forest smell than a citrus, but with the charcoal it could also be a little mineral or earthy. Scents of this kind can commonly be unisex.

             Fragrantica can show you lots of scents with eucalyptus, e.g. RItuals Rituals of Hammam Rituals, Parole d’Eau Serge Lutens, Savoy Steam Eau de Cologne by Penhaligon, Escape for Men by Calvin Klein (don’t worry about the for men, try it on your skin). These would be possible ones to get samples of from the perfumed court. I haven’t shopped from them in years, but I have had great results when I did.

          2. If you like citrus & clean, you may like Jo Malone and Le Labo. I like Fleur d’Oranger from Le Labo, and Jo Malone has a gorgeous Orange Blossom scent, and is known for both her Grapefruit scent and her Lime Basil & Mandarin. But Jo Malone is made to layer, you can mix it up – for instance layering any of her lighter scents with Wood Sage & Sea Salt produces a really nice combination.

          3. Sephora is great for this. They don’t usually care beyond asking you once if you need anything (if that).

    6. I’ve ordered many sample sets from The Perfumed Court dot com. They have sets organized by note (like lemon), by category (like floral oriental), new releases, award winning, and some other fun categories like zodiac sign. Happy hunting!

    7. Why do you need a signature scent? Are you a pop star?
       Is the design head of your namesake fashion brand urging you to branch out with something to include people of all sizes?

       I too like fragrance and perfume and scented products but would hardly say I have a signature. I am just curious as to where this pressure you feel is coming from.

       1. Oh stop. People often like to wear a single scent every day. That’s what is meant by a signature scent. Let’s not gatekeep fragrance, ok?

       2. Haha, I’m the farthest thing from a pop star. As Anon at 2:19 understood, “signature scent” means I just want to have one scent… because I’m on a budget! I don’t plan to wear fragrance to work so I’m sure whatever bottle I buy will last the rest of my life.

          1. Oops – I’m the OP of this thread

          2. Makes sense this is what I was asking about!

             Thank you for taking it kindly – I guess I was trying to gatekeep the “signature” aspect lol not scent.

             Good luck!

    8. A reminder that around one-third of people get headaches, breathing problems etc from perfumes (University of Melbourne study) and add in people with autism with sensory issues who are also affected, so please don’t wear perfumes on planes or to the office.

       And please don’t take it personally, I wish I didn’t get severe ocular migraines from perfumes and scented stuff and wish I could still enjoy them.

       1. Im a migraineur and also a fragrance enthusiast. I know which scents trigger me, and unfortunately it’s quite often laundry products. You now see ads for increasingly strongly scented laundry products (like adding scent crystals separately to laundry) and that’s because people have come to associate certain scents with “freshness.” Nothing I wear perfume wise is ever going to be as strong as someone else’s clothing washed with a scented detergent and something like Downy Unstoppables or Gain Booster beads added in, then dried with a highly fragrant dryer sheet.

          Other migraineurs report being triggered by auto exhaust and cigarette smoke. It’s really hard to get away from all scents. Plants emit scents as well, like my neighbor’s jasmine, which is quite strong even wafting over the fence. I know I can’t go into a Bath & Body works or spend much time in the detergent and cleaning products aisle at my grocery store.

          As a fragrance enthusiast, I’d remind everyone to please limit your sprays and keep them close to your body. Under clothing is a good place. If you learn about fragrance from Tik tok you’ll see those creators spraying about 5 sprays, and that’s too much for most modern EDPs.

          1. Auto exhaust is bad for everyone. Cigarette smoke is bad for everyone. It’s reasonable to want to make it possible for everyone to get away from bad air quality.

             I’ve never in my life gotten a migraine from a naturally occurring scent, even if it’s strong or unpleasant. I guess some people do, which seems more like an allergy to me than like the weaponized laundry products which I would support making illegal.

             1. Since you say you miss fragrance, I will recommend to you the natural perfumes of Hiram Green and Mandy Aftel. There aren’t many natural perfumers anymore but those two only use naturals.

             2. +1 to outlawing dryer sheets and fabric softener!

       2. My understanding is that it is usually not the scents themselves but some popular fragrance enhancers that more often trigger migraines, and that it is possible to find scents that aren’t enhanced.

          1. Do you mean like ambroxan and iso e super?

       3. No reminder about the grocery store, restauraunts, busses, trains…or life in general?
          I get it, I get often-severe scent triggered migraines too, I just think these “reminders” are pointless and useless…

          1. What would probably help more is better standards for air quality (ventilation, filtration) in public places.

          2. I get it, and I didn’t even consider it before my husband became sensitive, so I can see how a reminder helps.

             You can leave a restaurant, bus etc but you can’t get off a plane mid flight and you have to go to work.

             1. “You can leave a restauraunt, bus, etc…”
                I’m not sure you understand how migraines work…? For me, and lots of other people, I’m suffering whether I’m exposed for 5 to 10 seconds in the grocery store or 9 hours on a plane.

       4. yeah, I always see reminders not to wear perfume in medical offices due to sensory issues. But they have the TV blaring. Noise pollution is the worst trigger for me. As I get older, I am more and more sensitive to the loud sounds everywhere I go.

          1. I laugh every time I see those “we are a scent free facility” signs, because they just are not. Medical scents and cleaners are huge triggers for me, I get a migraine every time I go to the doctor’s office.

11. Has anyone purchased anything from Real Beauty Outlet? I posted above about my favorite perfume being discontinued; I have half a bottle left, plus a full one that I’ve stashed in my refrigerator, but then it’s gone and Phlur doesn’t have any more. I just saw it listed for sale at Real Beauty Outlet, which looks legit but I’ve never heard of it.

    1. There’s one that is just perfumes and fragrances. I want to say Fragrance Outlet. Maybe it is now Real Beauty site I don’t know but I bought an old Dior scent from a place like that and it was great. I did do research though so ask around

       1. Fragrance net and Fragrance x are the reputable gray market sources for fragrance. I’d be cautious with others.

    2. I have found “opened but almost full” bottles of my Chanel parfum on eBay for a fraction of the retail price. I once bought a bottle of another of my Chanel scents on Craigslist of all places. She didn’t read the fine print on the bottle, so it was a steal.

12. Any favorite centrally located Paris hotels? Heading with my family (incl 2 little kids) for spring break. I’m in all the Paris FB groups too, but this group gives the best recs :)

    TIA!

    1. Hotel Saint Germain des Pres on Rue Bonaparte is fabulous, great location and has a charming b&b way about it.

    2. We loved Hotel D’Angleterre St. Germain de Pres. Walking distance to almost everything, right around the corner from Cafe de Flore and Les Deux Magots (and a Louis Vuitton store). And fun historical fact: It was the site of the British Embassy when the Treaty of Paris was signed to end the Revolutionary War in 1783. The Americans refused to set foot on what they considered British soil, so they decamped to a place down the street, where you can still see a plaque commemorating the event.

    3. I loved the location of the Westin Vendome and had a great room there with a view of the Jardins Tuileries and the Louvre. Its fairly pricey but I got a deal through one a 3rd party site (I was a bit sketched out by using the 3rd party, but called the hotel directly right after booking to confirm they had my reservation details, and I treated it as if it was non-refundable as refunds are where people tend to have issues with those sites).

       1. We liked Hotel le Petit Paris. Great location near the Luxembourg Gardens

    4. Hotel Minerve. In a Haussmann building in the Latin Quarter. Everything you need really close by but not super touristy feeling.

    5. Hotel du Jeu de Paume – five minute walking distance to Sainte Chapelle and falafel.

13. Regarding the question about tights and hosiery: I need some new ones! Best tights and best nude hose for tall women?

    1. How tall? 5-10 and wear standard size tights

       1. Same, but I do size up.

    2. I can’t speak to the tall part, but from a quality perspective, I have been really pleased with my Sheertex.

    3. I am very leggy (35″ inch inseam).

       Best tights are Spanx Tight-End Tights. They are control top, but in a good way–they don’t have a waistband that digs in. If you want super-opaque warm tights, Marks and Spencer tights (ordered from the UK) come in 80 denier and are quite tall.

       For sheer hose, I like the Silk Reflections Control Top from onehanesplace dot com. That’s their overstock site, and I’ve never found anything wrong with anything I’ve bought from there. Calvin Klein or Berkshire Talls are good for nylons.

       Spanx’s nylons are very sheer and run easily; LongTallSally’s tights/nylons are cheap and break easily–do not recommend either. But Spanx’s tights–the best!!!

       I have never tried Sheertex, but I don’t like their waistband.

       1. Agree on Spanx from another leggy tall person.

          Standard hosiery S-M-L sometimes say the L is going to work on someone my height, but they never do. There is nothing worse than the cr-tch of your hose/tights sliding down all day. If I’m going to buy something other than Spanx, I look for a brand that has at least four sizes – S-M-L-XL, or 1-2-3-4.

14. Can anyone recommend a great walking pad for slow walking while reading or scrolling on the computer? A specific model or brand that you love would be hugely appreciated!

    1. I have the Deer Run under desk walking pad from a-zon and it’s great!

15. This is a genuine question, so please don’t bash me if you think it’s not appropriate. I genuinely want to do whatever’s polite.

    A high school friend is having a wedding reception (no ceremony) soon where she lives, about a 3-4 hour drive from me. I’m single, but I’ve been allotted a guest on the invitation. Not many people from high school are coming – she hasn’t kept in touch with many people from back then, and the ones she has aren’t people I know very well.

    I have another friend, who the bride and groom don’t know, who lives in the city where the reception will be and who I haven’t seen in a while. Would it be appropriate to invite that friend (female, if it matters; I’m a straight woman, so definitely not a date) to be my guest, so we can catch up and so I have someone to hang out with?

    Perhaps worth noting: There is no sit-down meal, but food is available throughout the night. Dress code is on the fancy side. I’m not sure how big the guest list is, but I’d guess in the 150-250 range.

    1. If it were my wedding and I gave you a plus one, I would want you to bring whoever would make you have the best time. Especially if I knew you were not currently partnered up. So for me, sure, go for it. But I recognize there are people who will disagree with me.

       1. +1. But you could always just reach out to the bride if you’re concerned about it.

       2. +1, this was my attitude for the single friends I gave plus ones to, I just wanted them to be comfortable and enjoy themselves.

       3. +1 also I meet some great women who were +1s at my wedding(s).

          1. By which I mean “this kind of +1s with my single women friends.”

    2. I would, but I’d just let the bride know so it isn’t confusing. “Hey, is it okay if I bring my friend Sara as my +1? No interesting men in my life right now.” She won’t care.

       1. This is an excellent way to handle it. Maybe I’m socially stupid but if you just brought a female friend I’d assume you thought all my friends and family were awful or you just started dating women and didn’t think I was a safe person to discuss that with. Please don’t jump all over me but that’s my honest reaction. If you handled it this way it would save me some worry and be a complete non issue.

    3. I think it’s appropriate to bring anyone, including a platonic friend of either gender, if you were given a plus one.

    4. If you know absolutely no one else going, fine, otherwise I wouldn’t bring a friend as a date. I think that abuses the +1 idea.

       1. I think it would abuse the +1 idea onlu if it was a specific plus one. Like if I get invited with a romantic partner and I decide to bring a friend, I can see that being different. Being asked to travel for a wedding to a wedding where you don’t know a lot of people and being told you are free to bring a date, to me, literally means “i know we’re asking you to come somewhere where you won’t know folks, so bring someone if you’d like” – if it would be okay to bring a random guy you went on a date with once or twice, it is okay to bring a good local friend, too.

          1. I agree, and fwiw we didn’t do plus ones at our wedding and invited guests and their partners by name specifically because we didn’t want random people we didn’t know. But I think if the invite is just “and guest” vs “Jane Smith and John Doe” you’re allowed to bring anyone.

       2. I disagree. I had a couple friends do this at my pretty formal wedding and I was delighted that they did. It would have made me much more uncomfortable to think of them there by themselves if they didn’t want to be there alone. All plus ones were fully budgeted for.

    5. I have no idea what is wedding polite, but I would go for it, with the information you’ve given here. I would actually lean into thinking of your friend as a date, just not a romantic date.

       If the wedding was 30 rather than 150-250, I think it would be different.

    6. I went with one of my friends in this same situation (we’re both straight women, I’m married but my husband didn’t attend). The wedding was in my city, so she stayed with me, and she had a +1. The bride and groom were thrilled to see her enjoying herself on the dance floor with several other friends, including me, and had no issues that she hadn’t brought a date or a mutual friend.

    7. For a wedding that large a +1 is just so you can have company. Invite whoever you want! (The rules are very different for small weddings though, I still distinctly remember the uninvited guest to my 27 person wedding)

       1. Uninvited guest is different than bringing a plus one! I had a friend bring an uninvited mutual (platonic) friend to our wedding and even though the wedding was not tiny (120 people) it was rude because she wasn’t invited with a guest. But giving someone a plus one means their guest isn’t uninvited.

          1. +1. It’s unclear what happened in the scenario above, but if you invite someone “and guest” you need to assume they will bring a guest. That is universally true small or large wedding. If someone truly brought an uninvited guest, like they weren’t given an “and guest” or it was addressed to two specific people and one of them brought someone that was not the other addressee without checking with you first, that is universally a no big or small wedding as well.

             1. (And I should add the latter is not the scenario OP is facing. She was invited “and guest”.)

    8. I took another sorority sister as a guest to another sorority sister’s wedding before for essentially the same reason. The bride didn’t care. She didn’t know the person well, but I had someone to hang out with at a wedding where I knew almost no one else.

    9. Yes, this would be fine. To me, if you’re given a plus one – as long as they’re not going to get ridiculously drunk and make a scene, that sounds great. (Assuming neither of you wear white because that IS a wedding etiquette rule I feel strongly about.)

    10. As the bride I would have no problem with this. As the plus one I’d feel a little awkward attending the wedding of a couple I’d never met.

16. Oh, wow. I was definitely looking for a sweater set and a crop top and now I can have them both in one set. In this outfit I can simultaneously be a teenager and a grandma.

    1. Hahahaha. Yes. This internet stranger agrees.

17. For the person asking about coats the other day
    https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/05/style/winter-fashion-outfits-nyc.html?unlocked_article_code=1.LU0.OaOe.OK85uKIzTETj&smid=url-share

    1. Fun article – thanks for sharing!

18. I need advice on caring for my dad. He fell and hit his head and had a subdural bleed, which has been fixed with surgery. I flew in to help him through the surgery and get him set up with a home health service — I’m not local. The home health company I talked to sounds great, but they don’t want to meet us and get things set up until Dad is home from the hospital (which should be another 3 days or so). I’ve already taken a week off work, and I could probably take another if I needed to. But I also have a 4 year old and my husband is taking care of everything back home, so I’d like to get back as soon as I can. What do y’all think is the best course for me — stay another week, or leave as soon as he’s out of the hospital and set things up remotely?

    1. Stay and get it set up in person. Sometimes life happens. That what FMLA and your spouse are for.

       1. +1. It’s much easier to handle this stuff in person. If you head home now you’ll be struggling to do this stuff from home and also not being fully present with your work and family. Just take the time.
          Sorry you’re in this situation OP.

       2. +1. Things will come up. Glad your dad is doing okay!

    2. I work in the hospital and frequently send patients home with home health. Definitely stay local until he is discharged and settled in at home AND home health has actually come to the house for the first time. There are not-infrequent communication problems between home health teams and patients that delay or cause care to completely fall apart. Elderly folks with neurologic injuries are at high risk of not answering their phone when home health calls or getting confused when they come to the door and sending the home health team away. You should also observe him at home for at least a couple days to ensure he is safe there as home health usually visits just a couple times a week for a couple hours. If he seems to be forgetful and might not remember to turn the stove off, lock the doors at night, call for help when needed, etc then you want to be there to notice this and arrange other care for him. Best of luck! I hope all goes well and you can return to your home very soon.

    3. Stay. The most important thing with remote caregiving is people you trust and who the parent likes and trusts. There are some things you just need a personal read on. And if they’re not the right fit, you’ll want to address that immediately. I have some local assistance, but I try to get a chunk of in-person tasks done while I’m in town. That’s just the reality of the job.

    4. Sorry to hear about your father. You have a lot on your plate. It is pretty stressful, I can imagine.

       Do you know how severely effected he is? Can he sit up? Walk? Talk/think ok? Or does he need help/rehab?

       He should be getting assessed right now by physical and occupational and speech/swallow therapists to see what his needs will be and the social worker. Ask the team of doctors while you are there for these people to come to see him for assessment. They can help determine his level of need and can help give you advice on what he will need when he gets home…. but….

       Maybe he needs to go to a short course of Inpatient Rehab instead of going straight home? You don’t say anything about how old your Dad is, does he have a spouse/help at home (and how healthy/capable are they?), how severely affected he is etc… Many elderly people after such a traumatic event – this is a brain injury and brain surgery – can have pretty serious effects and will benefit from rehab.

       And Home Health can be nice (and they always sound “great” when they are trying to get your business), but it is often quite limited…. they only send a nurse like once a week, and only if it is medically necessary. He can get some physical therapy etc… at home, but it may only be once or twice a week dependent on his needs. You are lucky if they will send a homecare worker to the house once a week to help with a shower. Home Care gets paid for by a bulk payment monthly, so they have an incentive to send as little help as possible, to make the most money. So you really have to push to ask for as much as you can. So it is very helpful to be at the house (or at least have a spouse there) to ask for every bit of help they offer. Ask them to send a PT, OT and speech therapy to come make an assessment and give therapy. Ask for the homecare worker to help with showers. And I promise you, they will cancel PT/OT/ST after a very modest course of treatments (sometimes only one!) ….. to make more $$ for them. It is what it is.

       Importantly, while he is in the hospital, talk with the occupational and physical therapists and start working on setting up the home so that it will be safe for him. He may need a shower bench for the shower (the most dangerous place in the house), and grab bars, so assistance device for walking, motion activated lights outside the house, remove loose carpeting and clutter in the house… things he could trip on.

       Good luck. It is wonderful you took the time to come. If you need to leave, try to check in again in the next few months, as this is a serious event for your Dad, and the repercussions can take time to reveal themselves.

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