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These earrings caught my eye yesterday at Nordstrom – they're super highly rated! If I hadn't just bought a pair of sparkly dangly earrings, these would be in my cart.
They're $59 and made from 14k gold or sterling silver, along with cubic zirconia pavé details.
(Huh: These silver earrings are also lovely and only $26!)
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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anon
Has anyone made a major career change in midlife? How did it go for you? Any regrets or things you wish you knew sooner?
I’m at a point where I no longer want to chase higher salaries and titles and instead want to pursue meaningful, interesting work that doesn’t take over my life. I have no idea how to make the change, though. My previous skills all build upon each other and naturally lead to certain types of jobs. I have tons of interests. But I’m in my mid-40s and it doesn’t feel as easy to start over again.
Going back to school and into debt scares me. Ideally I’d pivot while continuing to work. But I have no idea where to start. Help??
anon
I’m going to be honest, as someone who is entering the mid-40s and would love to make a change but also can’t figure it out. In my observation, the people who pivot have a ton of money. Either so they can switch to a low-paying field, or go back to school, or start their own business. At this stage in life, I can’t imagine taking on debt to make a radical change.
go for it
thoughts :
call a place that has work you are interested in and ask if you could shadow someone for a day(s)
take a part time/temp job to test the waters of a different career
stay where you are at a 40yr old’s salary and pursue outside interests in a deeper way
In my 40’s I want back to university for a different degree (paid cash-no loans) and realized that while it was a fantastic mental health break, starting at the low end in the new field and having to prove myself allover again was ultimately not appealing. Overall I am grateful for the resources and time to attain the 2nd degree, and did return to my original work, and have deeply dove into outside interests with the monetary means and fresh perspective to embrace them. YMMV
Different Anon
How many original credits were you able to apply to the new degree? That’s something that’s been holding me back –I don’t want to take Comp Lit again, or try to fulfill a math requirement, or PE even. I just want to take classes in the new subject.
Anon
Can you start by just job searching? You may already be well prepared for some positions that would interest you because they’re in a different industry. Your skills and experience may make you desirable even if you don’t appear to qualify on paper.
Mpls
+1. I’d avoid going back to school unless it becomes necessary because a particular job interests you, but job searching and informational interviewing and networking with friends of friends or alums in your network can help you figure out what else is out there.
What are the skills you’ve developed to do your current job responsibilities? Maybe the responsibilities don’t transfer but the skills do.
Maybe you just need a change of industry, such that there are comparable responsibilities somewhere else, but the day to day issues are different because it’s a different subject matter.
Does your undergrad/grad school have a career center available to alums that can help you brainstorm about options (that’s what I did in my mid-30s. I hadn’t expected much out of them, but they gave me some good leads and one of them has led to my current position).
Mostly, you just need to start talking to people about what’s out there and figure out if it sounds interesting enough to take a chance.
Anonymous
I’d say you either need to plan your next 3 jobs to get you where you think you want to be — or see if there are volunteer options that you can use either to a) get the skills for your next job or b) get you into the field so you know some people.
If you “meaningful, interesting work that doesn’t take over my life” is the entire goal (and it isn’t more nuanced than that) then I would commit to a 9-5 job in your current field and pursue meaning/interesting activities outside of that.
I’d also say it depends where you are in midlife – if you’re late 30s it’s a lot different if you’re early 50s, I think. (I’m 47 and already feel like a lot would be too late.)
Anon
I was early 30s when I left law and switched careers. I also really wanted to avoid going back to school, because I’d only graduated from law school 7 years prior. I was able to find a job in a new field and my background was a good fit even though I didn’t have the traditional resume for that field (and I had a personal connection, which definitely helped).
No real regrets. I miss the excitement and intellectual stimulation of high stakes litigation, but it wasn’t a career that was compatible with raising kids for me and the more family-friendly areas of law didn’t really interest me. I did take a huge pay cut, which was made possible by the fact that I live in a LCOL area, my husband earns more than I do (but not Big Law money) and we had substantial savings from my brief Big Law career. I’ll probably try to find a more interesting, better paying job when my kids are in high school or college and will be open to going back to school at that point, but I wouldn’t take on debt to do so.
Anonymous
Consider auditing a class, in person, through your local or nearest community college or public university, in an area you’re interested in that you think you’d need to take/understand before embarking on New Career. I did this 6 years ago. Eye opening. I decided to figure out a way to stay involved in that area (joined an industry group that goes to lunch occasionally), but definitely didn’t want to go back to school and definitely didn’t want to work alongside most of the folks in the class (personality stereotypes for that career).
Coach Laura
Starting over isn’t easy but a pivot can be done. There are various ways to make a pivot or career change that don’t involve starting over. These include – having a sidehustle or moonlighting, volunteering, part-time work in the higher earning area while pivoting. All of these start with an inventory of skills, talking/networking, exploration and research and a lot of time investment. I’ve helped people make a change as a career coach. You can look for a coach with experience in career pivots – most offer a free first phone call. Send me an email at laura at careerevolutioncoach dot com if you would like to have a free first consultation.
Anon
I just went back to school and job hunted in an entirely new field at age 45. I have a few thoughts. I wanted an individual contributor position that pays a living wage without having to move to a supervisory one.
I found a program I did well in that offered fully funded fellowships (tuition, fees, livable stipend) in exchange for a term of government employment. That works for me, because I’d love to stick around long enough for a pension, if the job ends up satisfying. I took the prerequisites while working a full time job at the university, which made those free. I graduated without debt, and enough in savings to fund a move.
School was awesome. This was my first time being able to go to school full time without also working full time, so it was really great to push myself. I also, for the first time, had the ability to take advantage of opportunities for conference travel or extracurriculars that I couldn’t when I had to work.
My fellow students were awesome. I can’t speak highly enough of them. They have their ish together so much better than I did at the same age. I was part of a supportive cohort and we had each others’ backs.
Turns out I am still pretty good at school, and am glad I did it.
The job search SUCKED. No matter how I tailored my resume, hiring managers wanted to focus on my work history, rather than what I was going to school for and my accomplishments in school. I felt a lot of pressure to take positions that were versions of my old jobs rather than what I was going to school for. My resume is eclectic, the result of being white trash who had to figure things out with no guidance, network or money. The hiring managers who took a chance on interviewing me in my new field were generally good and came from similar backgrounds, though I had a couple who were just plain mean and for all I can figure, interviewed me hoping for some entertainment or that I’d fall on my face. I don’t know.
Given my resume and one of the many students who have similar grades and a more orthodox path, most hiring managers will pick the familiar.
In the end, I did get a job, though it required a move to a very, very remote area. My coworkers are pleasant and it pays a living wage. I don’t have to supervise anyone and can concentrate on learning the ropes of the new place and being a solid individual contributor, which is what I was after. I hope it ends up being a job or family of jobs I want to stay in until retirement, but it’s too soon to tell.
anon
Good luck.
I admire your persistence.
Ekaterin Nile
This is an amazing story. With your work ethic, smarts, and perseverance, I’m sure you’ll succeed in this job/family of jobs–or anything else you put your mind to.
Anon III
I switched into corporate law and graduated law school at 37. But even then, ageism was rampant.
I would think long and hard about whether your hours bother you, your company bothers you, or you need something more fulfilling. Because if you can pivot slightly and use what you have to make work, work for you, you should do that instead of starting over.
The problem with starting a new career is that you are going to be forty-something, with forty-something expenses and a life, and you’re competing with early-twenty-somethings who are willing to live on a salary that is much lower. You’re likely expensive. And even if that is not true (e.g. you _are) willing to make huge life sacrifices), hiring managers will assume you are expensive, and avoid even interviewing you.
If you don’t love your job, I would try really, really hard to figure out what could be fulfilling outside of work, instead of looking for work to fill your cup.
If you do take on debt, only do so if you are going into a lucrative field and can pay it off quickly. Grad school debt has extremely high interest rates. It can be really crippling. Retirement expenses are no joke.
Also, consider what other expenses are coming up soon–if you have kids about to go to college….you really need to stick with the higher paying job or be OK with saddling them with debt for you to make this pivot. It’s a big decision.
All the best to you.
anonshmanon
This is a terrible photoshop.
Popcorn
Another poster had a brilliant idea, given how many popcorn worthy threads there have been lately, let’s share popcorn recipes!
Here is my fave!
https://www.theedgyveg.com/2020/02/05/vegan-popcorn-seasoning-doritos-popcorn/
anon
Good idea! I have been trying to eat popcorn when I really get the munchies and want something salty. It’s better than chips at least. I have been cooking it on the stove in olive oil or avocado oil and it is so tasty that way. I have a spicy cheddar powder I use, but have been wanting to try some truffle salt.
Anin
Any good ideas for a non-plastic microwave popcorn popper?
Vicky Austin
DH’s grandparents introduced us to the combo of white cheddar popcorn seasoning and lots of black pepper. I’m also a fan of parmesan garlic.
Horse Crazy
Cacio e pepe popcorn. One of my favorite things.
Anonymous
We have an airpopper – I really love Trader Joe’s dill seasoning on popcorn! We also use an avocado spray oil to mist the popcorn before adding seasoning.
Anonymous
Whoever recommended the microwave air popper by Cusinart before Christmas, I just want to say thank you. I was stumped for ideas and added it as a bit of a throw-away on my list. I’ve gotten so much use out of it.
Anon
I went through a phase of vinegar sprinkled on popcorn (I think I started with malt vinegar) and ended up really liking umeboshi plum vinegar.
Anonymous
Coconut oil, kernels, Maldon salt.
Anonymous
I love the Whirley Pop. Heat 2-3 tbsp coconut oil and add 1/2 cup popcorn. It takes less than 5 minutes. I have some cheddar sprinkle for popcorn but it is extra salty so I prefer nutritional yeast, powdered mushrooms, or just butter.
Eliza
I love my Whirley Pop too! I probably use it at least once a week.
Anon
Soy sauce and nutritional yeast.
Anon
Thanks for making this happen! I was being half tongue in cheek when I suggested it. :)
Anonymous
This is probably weird to some, but I like plain popcorn in milk.
Anonymous
Healthcare billing question: I just had an endoscopy and received two bills, one from the Endoscopy Center and one from the provider. Both bills include charges for the same procedures, but different amounts. It seemed duplicative, so I called and was told that the provider and center can both bill me even though the procedure was only done once — it kind of feels like both the chef and the restaurant are billing me… how can I look into this more (or is just another dumb thing about our health system)? Thanks in advance.
Vicky Austin
So there is such a thing as a professional fee, which is separate from the hospital fee. If you were billed by the provider (meaning the doctor who performed the surgery) under an LLC or something, then they are not direct employees of the hospital and are responsible for their own billing, which is why you received two. If your provider had been under the hospital’s umbrella, the professional fee would have been rolled into the rest of your bill.
I think I’m right about this – it’s been a minute since I worked in healthcare.
NYNY
I work in healthcare billing and Vicky is mostly right. The professional billing for the doctor is separate from the facility billing. If your endoscopy took place in a doctor’s office, then the professional bill would encompass both the professional and facility fees (and would be higher than the doctor’s bill in you received). If the hospital employs the doctor, the billing is generally still separate.
It’s especially confusing for outpatient services like an endoscopy, because both the physician and the facility are using the same billing codes. But they mean different things. The facility portion covers the cost of space, non-physician staff, and supplies, whereas the professional fee covers the physician time & cognitive complexity. In the case where the service is performed in the physician office, the professional bill is for all components, because the physician (or her practice group) is responsible for paying rent & utilities, staff, and supplies.
Anon
Unless you’re uninsured, call your insurer and ask how much they’re going to pay and whether they pay both or one. I routinely get “bills” from providers that I’m not supposed to pay because insurance will pay it later.
Anonymous
no, the statements all show what the insurance adjustment was, and i have a high deductible plan so there wouldn’t be any payment from them.
Anon
One bill is from the doctor for his/her time.
Another bill is from the facility for the use of the venue.
You may also get bills from the anesthesiologist and/or the pathology lab for their services.
My two cents: wait until you get the explanation of benefits (EOB) from your carrier for each bill. Match the EOB to the bill. Pay only once the EOB and the bill match (this will be your “post-insurance” or patient portion).
Anon
This.
Betsy
Exactly this – even though your insurance isn’t paying it because of your high deductible plan, their contract with the providers (assuming in network) determines how much they are allowed to charge and will cut any duplicates. I never pay a medical bill without matching it to an EOB first, and there are frequently errors I have to sort out before making payment.
Anon
I am Anon @ 2:38, and I thought that I was the only person in the country who refuses to pay medical bills without first matching it to an EOB. When I say this to people, even in medical billing offices, they respond as if I am growing horns.
Walnut
I also tie out my deductibles and out of pocket maxes. After getting stuck between a medical provider and insurance post adjustments, I wait a good long time for the dust to fall out on anything complex.
Anon
Interesting, I don’t think I’ve ever been billed for something without having the EOB first. I have a chronic fairly serious illness, so probably have 10=15 medical bills a month, between drugs, durable medical equipment, lab work and visits to healthcare professionals, but I almost always have my EOB electronically from my insurance within 48-72 hours of the visit and the bills are sometimes lagged 60 days.
Anon
Do you have insurance? Your insurance will not double pay so they’ll deduct what they pay from one bill for what was paid another bill. If you were in network, I believe the provider is not allowed to bill you for anything the insurer says is not covered.
Anonymous
What you’re describing–billing the patient for the difference between the contracted rate–is called balance billing. It depends on which state you’re in on whether it’s allowed (I’m in Illinois and it is not, but some other states allow it.)
Anonymous
I always look at the insurance EOB for each provider, facility, lab, etc. before I pay that bill.
Anon
You probably signed a consent form that explained the facility fee. If this was in a stand alone surgical center, they will charge you and the doctor will charge you. One for the facility and one for the procedure, so it’s not doube billing.
Anon
Is there a reason not to get a non-diamond engagement ring? I have a family heirloom I wear daily that’s gold and sapphire/rubies, and I think the traditional white-gold-and-diamond would clash with it. My ideal would be either sapphire or aquamarine with gold and a diamond halo, or something like that. I’m leaning toward aquamarine or even topaz, because I think the stones are prettier than sapphires, but I realize that will be quite a departure. Will people find it tacky? If a stone is durable enough for daily wear, is there any other downside I’m missing?
Anon
Not tacky at all and increasingly common. Sapphires, rubies and diamonds are the best stones for everyday wear because they’re the hardest. Good news is that they come in tons of different colours, so think beyond the traditional dark blue sapphire.
Anonymous
Mine is sapphire, I choose it for hardness and ethical reasons. If anyone has issues with it they’ve been too polite to say.
Anon
I have a sapphire engagement ring and I still get compliments on it!
Anon
Same. Art deco blue sapphire with small accent diamonds.
All the rings I’m drawn to are gemstone even for right hand/cocktail rings.
I need a little color.
Vicky Austin
That sounds beautiful – do it!
Anon
I don’t think so! Engagement rings are an older tradition than the use of diamonds in jewelry. The deep blue sapphire engagement ring trend feels like a 90s thing to me, but that could just show my age, and it’s still pretty.
I’d be tempted to see a local jeweler to make something that complements the heirloom ring.
Mpls
Before the De Beers made diamonds du jour, blue zircon (the natural formed cousin of cubic zirconia) was a popular vintage engagement stone. Its a turquoise-y blue and had a light refraction index (sparkle) very comparable to diamonds.
Absolutely no reason why an engagement ring needs to be a white diamond. Personally, I think they are more interesting when they aren’t, especially if there is a story behind why you have. As mentioned before, just make sure it’s something up for daily wear (if you will wear it daily), as not all stones are the same level of hardness. Same goes for the metal in the band as well.
Gail the Goldfish
Go for it, but I would say sapphire over aquamarine, especially if you might want to hand it down to children/grandchildren, because it’s a slightly harder stone. Aquamarines and topaz are pretty hard, but I inherited an aquamarine ring from my great-grandmother that is from I think the 1920s and stone is basically worn smooth at this point (which is a shame because it’s such a cool ring–I may actually get the stone replaced at some point). Great-grandmother’s diamond ring of the same age still looks great, in contrast.
Anon
Not tacky at all! My BFF has a gorgeous red sapphire on a gold band and it’s so gorgeous. If I were getting married again I would get an amethyst. We were both poor and I got a teeny tiny diamond and I think having a bigger non-diamond gemstone would have been way nicer, and probably cheaper!
Anonymous
The problem with not getting a diamond is that it makes it hard to compare your ring to others’, which makes it hard for others to know whether you married a worthy.man (and are worthy of a worthy man).
Anon
Ha
Anon
What year is this?
Anon
I think she was being ironic?
Anonymous
Right!?
The right engagement ring is as important as taking the right vacations and sending one’s children to the right schools. How will the right people know you belong with them otherwise?
anonshmanon
Having opinions about what precious stones another person is ‘supposed to’ wear is tacky. If anyone has issues with me not having any engagement ring and a simple wedding band, they have kept it to themselves.
Anonymous
This exactly.
Anonymous
Only is you genuinely care about the opinions of others who might judge you.
If you don’t care -and you really shouldn’t care- then wear the ring you want.
anon
Check out the engagementring subreddit. People are showing off their beautiful colored stones all the time there. The only downside is that white diamonds are neutral and go with everything whereas you may have outfit coordination issues with colored stones. But it sounds like you already wear a sapphire ring so you don’t specifically mind this aspect.
Leatty
Nope! Get what you want. Sapphires have a huge range of colors, and my absolute favorite is the blue-green Montana sapphire. The other stones are beautiful, but not as hardy for everyday wear. FWIW, my SIL has a beautiful aquamarine with halo e-ring, but has to be careful with it.
Anon
It’s definitely not tacky – its obviously not the majority but its definitely not uncommon. I mean, I would say the most famous engagement ring in the world is a sapphire so no one can argue a diamond is compulsory. As long as you pay attention to the hardness and wear it on the correct finger the only thing tacky I could think of is someone sharing any opinion on your engagement ring.
anonymous
I’ve mentioned it before, but this also doesn’t have to be your last ring. I got married with an emerald ring (caution there is I love a red manicure and it felt a little too holiday all the time) and over the years have collected other sets. I have an antique old mined diamond ring, a sapphire ring, a ruby ring, a bunch of stackers and a knock around moissainite ring in a modern setting for travel and any time I just want a clean, sporty look. I’ll always have sentimental thoughts toward my OG ring but I don’t feel compelled to wear it as my only wedding ring.
ALT
If a sapphire is good enough for Diana and Kate Middleton, it’s good enough for me :)
Anonymous
It is so incredibly weird and morbid that Kate has to wear her dead MIL’s ring.
Anon
…do you say this about every family heirloom? This is a weird take. I think Will explained their thoughts pretty well in the interview they did when they got engaged – for them, its a nice way to remember her. The “has to” is also weird here. In the same interview they talk about how they had been planning an engagement in general for a long time and the specifics of the engagement for a year. Presumably the question of the engagement ring would have come up as part of that discussion and decided upon together. Meghan’s ring also has diamonds of Diana’s. (And a lock of her hair by their bed, according to Spare, which they thanked when Meghan told Harry she was pregnant, if we want to talk about weird and morbid.) I think the rings are a nice gesture for both sons’ wives, and that sapphire is beautiful.
Anon III
My mom has a complete replica set of Diana’s jewelry. My dad had it custom made in the 80s–my mom’s birthstone is sapphire. Believe me, the sapphire is huge and total stunner. It’s not morbid at all. It’s a gorgeous ring.
A
Not at all. I love the look of ruby, sapphire or emerald rings.
Anon
I have a blue sapphire and love it! Sapphire with a small diamond on each side set in white gold. We also considered emerald but the jeweler friend who made the ring advised us against it since emeralds are less durable.
Anon
If I am looking at a wedding venue that has a site fee of $10,000 and a $15,000 minimum food and beverage cost, can I expect to pay less than $30,000 in total? What costs won’t be covered by the venue and food/beverage that I’m missing? They say they cover all tableware, tables and chairs, setup, etc. I have remaining costs of dress and potentially photographer. Anything other hidden costs I’m missing?
Anokha
Potentially: centerpieces, music/DJ, makeup/hair.
Anon
Flowers
Peloton
And flowers add up FAST.
Cat
-What does a $15K minimum mean? What does that get you in terms of attendees and quality & quality of food & beverage – wine and beer vs. top shelf bar, etc.
-Does that include all staff, bartenders, etc.
-Consider tips for vendors
-Are you interested in a cake?
-Flowers – for tables, bouquets, boutonnieres, corsages or nosegays for grandparents….
-Music – band or DJ
-Any upgrades to things like table linens or fancier china or chairs?
-Tr-nsport (buses for guests to hotels? Vintage car for getaway?)
-Invitations and other paper (seating cards, programs)
-Favors, welcome bags for out of town guests
-Makeup & hair for you and wedding party if applicable
-“essentials” kit for the bathroom (hairspray, tampons, bandaids, mints, Tide stick…)
Obviously you don’t *have to have* all this stuff but the list goes on….
Anon
Also I’m assuming you have to pay the wedding officiant. This is a very good, thorough list.
Deedee
-is dance floor and / or stage included or must be rented?
– same with lights and lighting
Anon
You want to spend less than $5k on photographer, dress, decorations, officiant, etc? Seems pretty hard.
anon
+1
RiskedCredit
Pay the money for a photographer but cut back on your dress, invitations (use Walmart or Costco printing service) and flowers/decorations.
The venue will probably want to work with preferred vendors so it will be difficult to have a low budget with this.
Anon
I would look at wedding budgeting lists online — there’s a lot of small costs that add up FAST. Don’t forget to budget for tips for all vendors and event staff. Whatever you budget, add at least 20% for cost overruns and unexpected expenses. I would probably think total cost would be around 40-45k with those venue costs, if you don’t go too high on your other stuff. We had similar venue costs and spent over $60k total, but we splurged on a lot of stuff — extra food (raw bar!) and open bar with top shelf liquor and signature cocktails and mocktails, amazing cake, incredible photographer, cool vintage car to take us there. We also had some unique touches special to us. We definitely could have done it cheaper but we loved what we did. I was also really surprised at how expensive the wedding dress alterations were — I spent about $1k on a dress from bhldn, and about $800 on alterations.
If the venue does not provide it, I highly recommend getting a day-of coordinator. They will make sure that all the little details are taken care of on the day and keep track of everyone and everything so you can focus on enjoying the day. In my experience, little issues the day of are unavoidable and the coordinator will deal with them. Traditionally the MOH did a lot of this, but frankly I felt like this is a lot of work to assign to a friend.
Anon
I highly doubt it. We spent probably $7-8k total on the photographer, DJ, flowers, dress/tux, cake, favors, officiant and invites, and that was nearly 15 years ago for a very modest wedding (whole wedding was less than $20k). Photography alone is likely to be at least $2-3k for anyone decent.
Anon
I do events/look at our contracts for work and you also need to account for the ‘plus plus’ – the tax and gratuity that is tacked on. Make darn sure they are NOT charging you gratuity on the site fee (at least 3x/yr a vendor tries to do this hoping we won’t notice). Ask about your set up/breakdown time frame – it’s usually (at least) 1 hr before and 1 hr after, ideally more. Also ask about the time you’re alloted, it’s typical to bill for a 4 hour event, and then you (usually) have the option to extend the event if you’d like. Be sure to make sure you know if you have a hard stop at say, 10, or if they give you a grace period. I’ve seen many venues bill for the extra hour at 5 minutes past your ‘alloted’ time.
You didn’t ask about it but check on parking (on site? offsite? are you allowed to bring in buses/limos to their lots?), noise ordinances, any restrictions on vendors (can you only use their florists, which may be more $$), etc.
Anon
I assume you’re asking if you can keep the venue cost to under $30k, with other expenses separate.
No – I can all but guarantee you that you have to pay tax and tip on top of that $15,000. You may even have an additional “service charge.” So you’re in for $20k plus $10k venue fee, assuming you exactly hit the minimum.
Remaining costs:
Dance floor
DJ or band
Coat check
Valet parking (if applicable)
Dress
Alterations
Veil
Invitations and save the dates
Rings
Decorations
Flowers
Transportation
Cake
Marriage license fee
Rehearsal dinner, depending on who is paying
Does this $10k include the ceremony?
Overall idea: do not spend 1/3d of your budget on a venue rental. (OP’s budget is about average for a wedding in America, so if your wedding costs half or twice what hers does, YMMV.)
Anon
I forgot several things:
Photographer (probably $2,000+)
Hair, makeup, nails
Shoes
Undergarments for your dress; most women wear a shaping bra
Anon
Does that include vendor meals? The photographer and DJ probably have hot meals in their contract. Wedding dress alterations can cost hundreds. Like others mentioned, check your contracts for tax, admin fees, and gratuity. If you have a wedding party are you giving them gifts?
Are you hiring a day-of coordinator? Even if your venue includes setup & tear down of tables they won’t tell the florist where the flowers go, wrangle your family and wedding party, keep the reception on schedule, or put out miscellaneous fires.
Anon
Flowers
Anon
Best tips for being charming/charismatic at a party? I’m going to one tonight and want to make a good impression.
anon
Be interested in people. Ask them questions. Listen. Nod occasionally to give positive feedback and interest. Smile. Add the occasional true compliment as an ice breaker / conversation starter can be nice…. “what a beautiful/cool …. whatever…”
Anonymous
don’t drink too much
ask a lot of questions of other people and listen/care about the responses
if you want to be extra you could look up any likely topics on social media and see if there are any funny one-liners you can repeat
Anon
Just the usual advice to be curious and interested in the people you meet!
https://dilipsimeon.blogspot.com/2014/08/paul-ford-how-to-be-polite.html
anon4
this was lovely, thanks for sharing!
Anon
I had no expectations going in, but I loved that read!!
Anon
Ask other people about themselves. Have follow up questions. People generally walk away from a conversation where they spent 75% + of the time talking about themselves thinking “I really like that person!”
Anon
In case any of you are newly inspired by the Alabama case to again donate to abortion funds, I want to recommend the NAF Hotline Fund (for the procedure itself) and the Brigid Alliance (for travel costs for women who have to cross state lines) and retell a story I told last year.
My husband and I “adopted” a local refugee family shortly after they arrived in the US in the fall of 2022. The family consisted then of a mom and dad in their early 30s and five children ages 2-12. Like nearly all refugees, they arrived with nothing more than their suitcases, having fled their homeland in the middle of the night for safety. The refugee agency signed them up for food stamps and Medicaid. But, stop me if you’ve heard this before, food stamps aren’t actually enough to survive on, and food was very scarce for the family. The father had an MBA but couldn’t find work and was driving a cab.
The mom got pregnant accidentally. The public clinic had long wait times for routine care. It wasn’t until her 20 week ultrasound – given late at week 23 – that they discovered the baby had a serious birth defect and would never live a normal life, never be able to feed or bathe itself. The child’s needs would be so intensive that the mom, who had long dreamed of being a nurse, would never be able to go to school or work. For a family already in poverty, for a family already with too much to bear, they couldn’t handle this. Heartbroken, they made the decision to abort.
The doctor giving the ultrasound – whether grossly uninformed or secretly pro-life – had said that the nearest state for an abortion at 23+weeks was 1,000 miles away. Not true – it happened to be the state 8 miles down the road. Medicaid didn’t cover the procedure because the birth defect didn’t rise to the necessary statutory threshold.
The NAF Hotline and the Brigid Alliance provided all the funds for the procedure and the hotel room stay. (Abortion is a two step process, and they didn’t want her going home and trying to care for 5 children after receiving the first medication.)
The mom, emotional because of the procedure and the circumstances and everything else, cried after her stay. She cried too because she was so floored by the kindness she experienced. Strangers had paid for the procedure. Everyone in the clinic was so gentle. The doctor spoke kindly to her. She wasn’t in any pain. (In her home country, all births are unmedicated because the drugs simply aren’t available for something as “frivolous” as childbirth.)
The mom and I were very close before, but holding someone’s hand in an abortion clinic will draw you close like nothing else. She and I very much are like sisters now. Thank you to those of you who’ve donated before to the NAF Hotline and the Brigid Alliance, and keep it up this year. If you can’t give, please, please vote like a woman’s life like this one depends on it <3
anon
What a nice story, in the midst of struggles. Thank you for your help.
Anonymous
Nice story? Failure of health care at many levels.
“The public clinic had long wait times for routine care. It wasn’t until her 20 week ultrasound – given late at week 23”
“The doctor giving the ultrasound – whether grossly uninformed or secretly pro-life – had said that the nearest state for an abortion at 23+weeks was 1,000 miles away. Not true – it happened to be the state 8 miles down the road”
Lydia
ARC Southeast is another good one. https://arc-southeast.org/
LizzieBennet
Thank you for sharing this story and everything you’ve done to help the family.
Anonymous
just stopped giving to my local abortion fund because they posted a long pro-Palestine rant on social media. I get that it’s a complicated situation but the people who are really vocal about Palestine (and out of their lanes, too) seem so antisemitic.
anonymous
They seem antisemitic because they are. And I also cut donations to any group that is vocally pro-Palestine.
Anonymous
They are not, they care about genocide and illegal occupation. We all should.
anonymous
They are radically uninformed.
Anon
Regardless, I don’t think a local abortion clinic should comment about something so controversial that has nothing to do with abortion.
anon
I just watched the short film “Red, White, and Blue” and was thinking I’d like to donate to an org that does this kind of work. Thanks for posting, I will be donating tonight.
anon4
I want you to know that your story prompted me to donate, which I’ve been meaning to do for a while but, being totally honest, had fallen down my to do list. Thank you for sharing.
Anon
AITA here? I’m planning a trip for late summer with a friend’s family about 2.5 hours from where we live. We talked about sharing a rental that’s large enough for both families so we can be lakefront (there aren’t really any smaller/cheaper options that are that well located). It was supposed to be Saturday to Saturday. I just found out that my friend now wants to leave on Thursday so her family can “decompress” before going back to work the following Monday. That means my family would be on the hook for the entire cost for the “extra” days, which is more than we can really afford. Alternatively, we could move about 30 minutes away into a smaller rental. I’m annoyed because I don’t think she needs Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday to “decompress” (and I know for a fact that she’s not rushing back for a family event – she said they need to do laundry, get groceries, etc.) Now she seems annoyed that I’m annoyed. I’m tempted to just pull out, but my family was really looking forward to this. WWYD?
Anon
It’s early enough that there should be workarounds! Can you spend the time with them in the larger rental but get a smaller rental in the same area for when it’s just your family? If there is no refunding the larger rental for the days they’re opting out of, they should still be on the hook for paying their share for those days. If there is the ability to get refunded, then they’re totally within their right to opt out of those days and do what’s best for them – just find a smaller place for you and your family that’s within your budget.
Relationships are a lot easier when people are allowed to do what’s best for them and we allow space for that / don’t take it personally.
Anon
Apologies, I misread that there are no smaller locations for the extra days. Your friend’s family is absolutely not responsible for subsidizing your vacation rental by showing up on days when they don’t want to be there. You also don’t get to decide how much time she needs to decompress back home – she is totally within her right to say the days that work for her. Your options are: do the days that work for them if you’re committed to the larger rental but can’t afford it on your own, find a different area that’s beautiful but has more rental availability so you can switch rentals when they leave to a smaller option, or cancel the whole trip your kids are excited about.
TLDR: your friend is being totally within her rights to adjust her plans 6 months in advance when you haven’t committed to anything, you’re being controlling and wanting her to adapt her life to meet your needs (while leaving no space for her needs/preferences), and it makes sense she’s annoyed that you’re annoyed. Wanting people to do what you want because it works for you, even if it doesn’t work for them, is not a recipe for a successful friendship. I’d recommend learning about better boundaries and respecting other people’s autonomy, needs, and decision-making abilities.
Cat
idk, it sounds like this the kind of vacation community where rentals in good locations are Sat-Sat weekly minimums. If friend both (1) doesn’t want to stay a whole week, and (2) isn’t willing to split the weekly cost anyway, it sounds like this joint rental is not a good idea for them.
anon
IDK, it sounds like they made a plan, and now the friend is semi-flaking after a commitment has been made. I’d be upset, too.
Anon
As the often vacation planner of friends, strong disagree to 2:45.
While we don’t know for sure, I’d guess it is a minimum 7 night rental so the friend is proposing they get to take advantage of OP for the discrepancy there, at the very least.
Changing things on a friend once a deposit has already been put down is rude unless absolutely necessary, and even then you should offer to make your part to the friend whole.
And 6 months notice is not that much time when it comes to lakefront vacation rentals. In most popular areas those will have been well booked out, so to pivot on your friend in a way that they need to start from scratch is likely screwing them over.
anon
This. Having booked several lake properties over the year, I know how difficult it can be to find a good location and get it before someone else does. Once the deposit is put down, that says to me that you’re committed. OP is not out of line for being upset.
Anon
See below, they’ve already made a reservation for the full week and paid a deposit. Friend is flaking after the fact. IMO friend owes half of the week, whether she’s there or not.
Anon
Also, as someone who rents a vacation house in a popular area for a week every summer, there are very few options for less than a full week. Homeowners in that area usually rent by the full week, and in fact, that area is almost fully booked now. So I understand the position OP is now it. Friend is the asshole.
Anon
Your friend can pay for the full week and just leave early if you’ve already committed. If she is just flaking on you, she owes the full week.
If you’re still in the deciding phase, then you may have to say somewhere separately for the days that do not overlap.
Anon
This.
Anon
Agreed.
NYCer
+1.
anon
+4
Cat
is she saying she won’t split the rental cost evenly?
Anon
OP here and yes. I should have clarified that we already put down a deposit on the place and can get most of it back (not all) since it’s a ways out. To me this was a plan, not just a shared brainstorm. We had to reserve the place early before finalizing the itinerary because it’s popular.
Anon
Oh that’s annoying. How much of the deposit will you lose if you decide to scratch the plan and find a different option?
Anon
I need to double check but I *think* we would lose $150 each. My husband made the booking but that’s what it has been in the past. I’m more annoyed at the prospect of not being able to stay by the lake than the lost $150. That was the whole point…
Cat
in that case, you are NTA. Either she needs to pay for her share of the whole week regardless of end date, or she needs to pay the lost deposit for cancelling, since you’re perfectly in the right to say paying for essentially 1.5 weeks of your share, rather than 1 week, is not in your budget.
Anon
Tell your friend we can either equally split the cost of the house for the entire week or the cancellation fee.
Chl
I don’t think you are. It’s pretty standard to have rentals like that be by the week so committing to go means paying for the whole week as opposed to a hotel where you just pay for what you use. I think the classier thing for her to do would be to pay for the whole week. However maybe there’s more going on here and being the good friend means flexing to their needs. I’m sorry!
Anon
It doesn’t sound like they’ve yet booked the rental. They’re still in the decision-making phase and this is for late summer (so 6 months out). Since OP wants to pull out entirely, I doubt they’re actually on the hook for any money for a rental yet, which is why her friend is adjusting her time 6 months in advance.
Anon
She added an edit. They’ve booked it already.
I am so effing sick of flaky friends myself that I’m ready to pick up the flaming pitchfork on behalf of OP.
anon
Does everyone in her family really want to do this? Changing plans to leaving on Thursday hints to me that she needed to compromise with someone in her family who maybe doesn’t think it’ll be so much fun. Or she’s having second thoughts.
If you’re still at the stage where everyone can pull out without financial penalty, I’d consider doing that. Paying more than I can afford or switching rentals both sound undesirable. Maybe plan a fun day trip together some other time instead?
anon
Really?
To me it sounds like a nightmare to pack up the family, drive 2.5hrs+, unpack eat…. enjoy the rest of the afternoon/evening, and then leave the next day and drive back another 2.5hrs+. I understand why someone might want to go a bit earlier to have a real break. Otherwise, sounds like one of those mini vacations she
OTW – friend should totally pay for all of the additional cost of extending reservation by two nights+, if you are only going for the one night/two days.
Anon
You’re misreading the dates (I did the same thing) – this isn’t a weekend trip, it’s Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Saturday to Sunday. They don’t want to get there earlier they want to leave earlier.
Cat
The friend wants to stay Saturday-Thursday of a Saturday-Saturday rental.
anon
Oops. so sorry… I need sleep
anon
I don’t think you get to decide if the friend “needs” to decompress or not – that’s not up to you. But, if you had an agreement that you’d do it for a week, it’s 50/50 cost split regardless of revised travel plans. I think you tell friend that given new information you need to cancel because of reasons you stated here ($$) and each forfeit respective half deposits (logically, I think she should be responsible for 100% of it because it’s a result of her actions, but to save the friendship potentially I’d just eat the $150). Maybe the direct statement that you now need to cancel will be enough for her to rethink and/or cough up her half for the full week regardless of when she actually leaves.
Anon
This
Anon
+1
Anon
I understand your frustration, but I do think you’re kind of being TA. Your friend and her family get to decide how long they want or need between vacation and the real world. She’s also kind of TA for not deciding that before y’all booked. But it’s far enough out that you’re not losing too much money (per the response where you say you’re more annoyed by the potential location change than the $).
So if this were Reddit, I’d say both TA, but you’re not going to remain friends long if you get and stay mad about this.
Cat
They HAD booked – OP clarified above.
Cat
ugh sorry, nesting fail. I’m invested today, lol.
anon
Good points.
I do think that if you cancel at this point, it may hurt your friendship some.
Especially if you can afford the time off / extra money.
If it’s just not in your budget, just be honest. Cancel. Choose something closer and less exhausting to travel to. The whole point is to just see her, yes?
Anon
Friend can decide how much she decompressed, but it has to be on her dime once she’s made plans.
Anon
Thanks all. I just talked to my husband and he *might* have another new-ish friend who could step in for the remaining days. I don’t know this guy or his family, but I’m willing to consider it because it was hard to snag this rental and I don’t want to leave the lake early or not go, when it comes down to it. Unfortunately I don’t really know anyone else who would be a good fit for this.
I’m just frustrated because this friend has talked a big game about wanting quality time with friends and this isn’t the first time she’s flaked for non-urgent reasons. This is a low-key lake trip in a well-known, very attractive area a short-ish drive from home – what could be easier to execute? I KNOW she would have an awesome time for the full week if she didn’t give herself internal permission to flake. I’ve noticed that her flakiness has increased since the pandemic and that it’s harder to get her out of the house for plans. I’m honestly a bit worried that she might flake on the first part of the week too, possibly even when it’s not refundable…
anon
Some friends are not suitable travel companions, unfortunately. My friend group has become SO FLAKY. I’ve posted about it before. As much as I would love to do a lake trip with any of those families, I’m just not going there right now.
Anon
This isn’t meant to be an I told you so to OP because it sounds like this wouldn’t be an option for this particular trip regardless, but I’m a big fan of targeting a lodge or family camp or any hotel that has a lot of hang out area, doing our own reservation, and inviting people along on the trip to get their own rooms if they want. That way if they come, great, if not, no worries.
Anon
My flaky friends can’t even manage to get together for lunch or dinner anymore, much less travel. It’s so disappointing.
Anon
I think there is little correlation between being a good friend and a good travel companion. My best friends are terrible to travel with, and I’ve had amazing trips with people I’m not super close to otherwise.
Anon
Ugh, that’s very frustrating. In this case, I’d tell her straight up: I can’t afford to float the whole cost for the days you’re not coming. If you want to split evenly for the whole week, I’m fine with you coming and going whenever. If not, we will likely need to scrap the plan entirely.
anon
This is fair and reasonable. And don’t book travel with this friend again.
anonymous
Yep, this is what I’d do. I’m also taking OP at her word that they really can’t afford the whole week without friends making up the 50% cost on a few days. Personally if it was somewhere I really wanted to go and a cool vacation, I’d suck up the extra costs myself.
Anon
If you still decide to go on this trip with her, however you work it, she pays now. Money up front. Don’t get stuck holding the bag for the entire cost of the house when she decides at the last minute she doesn’t feel like doing it at all anymore.
Anon
Man, this is such a great idea here. Yes — agree to prepay now or cancel or you may be eating the whole thing.
Anon
Assuming that you have to get the rental for an entire week but she is only paying for 4 days (28%), I would make other plans. Find a different lake. Find a different friend group to travel with.
Anon
Your friend is a first-class AH here. Fine, leave early, but when you agree to vacation with someone you are agreeing to split the lodging costs for the whole booking. I would be so turned off by this it might be a relationship killer. Can you find another family to take over for the whole week and give her the option of paying in full or dropping out? Yeesh, some people…
Anon
Exactly. How do these people function in the world? You agreed to reserve it for a week, you’re paying half. Period. OP is not your innkeeper.
Anon
With your clarifications above, definitely NTA. I’d tell her directly: I can’t afford to float the whole cost for the days you’re not coming. If you want to split evenly for the whole week, I’m fine with you coming and going whenever. If not, we will likely need to scrap the plan entirely.
anon
This is exactly why I stopped being “the organizer” of vacations with friends. Takes so much time/effort to work out the best option, then everyone asking for their own special requests, and I always wound up spending so much extra time and money, and effort and stress. I just dealt with it when I was younger, thinking it was also worth it. But finally you reach your last straw. Sad, as we all miss the gatherings, but no one else has stepped up to organize.
Sorry OP. I would livid.
Anon
OP’s friend sounds like a cheapskate. Traveling with cheapskates who think nothing of expecting you to pay more so they can pay less is the WORST. I have so many stories…. I’m so glad I’m older now and have better judgment about letting people do that to me.
Anon
Thanks all, I honestly do appreciate the validation here. I won’t be rude or aggressive in my conversations with her, but if this friend of husband’s doesn’t come through (should hopefully know this weekend), I will talk to her and explain that we can’t float the full cost for the extra days.
This whole thing bums me out. Leaving an easy vacation early to do laundry/have a couch day makes me kind of sad, aside from the money stuff. With other friends, I’d be concerned about mental health/depression but I’m (fairly) sure that’s not the case with her. Either way, I do want to preserve the friendship and will take the advice from above to consider lodges or family camps in the future. If those were available at this lake, that would have been ideal.
Cat
so some people I know are like this – they will take a shorter trip for easier re-entry. Like if their kid’s fall sport starts before school starts, it’s nice to have a day or two to just chill at home before you’re back into Schedule Mode immediately upon arriving home.
I’m not one of these people – will happily pay for late checkout to get the last flight home on Sunday – but don’t begrudge someone having a different preference. Just… BEFORE making the plan, not after!!
Anon
Right, one or even two days can be nice, but IMO, leaving Thursday for work on Monday is excessive when the only things on the agenda are routine chores. It would be different for something major like a surgery the following week.
Anonymous
Right, one or even two days can be nice, but IMO, leaving Thursday for work on Monday is excessive when the only things on the agenda are routine chores. It would be different for something major like a surgery the following week.
Anon
The only thing that bothers me a little is that part of it feels like you’re upset because you don’t think her needs are valid. The rude part is changing plans after money is spent, not that she wants a shorter vacation than you. Maybe try to separate those issues in your mind and you’ll be able to talk to her more clearly about it. It’s okay that you don’t need a few days between an “easy” vacation and work, but she does. It sounds like this is a big mental hurdle for her if she has trouble even committing to a dinner. It’s a lot to go from that to a whole week of togetherness, even with someone you enjoy being around!
Having said that, she should have let you know this before the reservation was made. And it’s also very rude of her to flake on other plans!
Anon
OP here and I admit that that is part of it, although I’m doing my very best to not show that to her (and I don’t think she’s picked up on it, I hope). I think it’s pandemic-related for me. It just feels wrong to choose to rush back to the couch again now that we finally have freedom to travel pretty safely back – I’m totally in “seize the day” mode and I’ve really enjoyed being around other friends who are too. Some have pushed me into things I wouldn’t have tried on my own (a ballroom dance lesson was one) and I was so grateful to just feel vibrant again. But you are right – it is her decision to make and my judgment is not to be shared. I will absolutely keep our conversations about the money/planning aspect and not mention a word of my feelings about this. I do think the flakiness is an issue separate from my feelings about couch days and that’s what bothers me most.
Anonymous
I really appreciate the effort you’re making to separate those two things. I’d probably be like your friend in that being at home with my family with whole days off and nothing to do sounds more relaxing than being at the lake with another family — at the lake, with all of us stuck in one house, I have to be “on” with people 24/7. At home, I don’t.
I’m guessing what I just described isn’t at all how you see it. But in case your friend is like me, sharing a house with another family for 7 straight days is not low-key for me, especially if our families have never spent that kind of time together. (Frankly, there aren’t many people I’d want to be with 24/7 in a shared house in one location for an entire week. Usually about 3-4 days is my limit.)
Anon
I think it’s fine to be annoyed at her for backing out after the trip was booked – I would be too – but suggesting someone has mental issues because they want a day to decompress after a vacation is really weird to me. That is completely normal to me. Pretty much every family I know with kids does it.
Anon
*Three days – Friday, Saturday, Sunday
In OP’s shoes I would have zero issue with my friend wanting to leave early, as long as she’s paying her half of the full week that’s already reserved. That’s the part that is so annoying to me.
Anon
I was reacting to “Leaving an easy vacation early to do laundry/have a couch day makes me kind of sad… I’d be concerned about mental health/depression” — it seems like OP thinks wanting to decompress is weird even if it’s only one day. I agree leaving three days early is unusual but I still think it’s quite a leap to mental health problems. If someone was depressed and withdrawing from social activities they’d cancel the trip altogether.
Anon
3.5 days of decompressing (four nights) means missing a LOT of the vacation. Sometimes withdrawing or isolating from social events can be a sign of depression – certainly not always.
anecdata
I .. . don’t think “wants to go on a 4 day shared vacation instead of a 7 day one” is the kind of “withdrawal from social activities” warning sign means. You have GOT to let this part of it go
anonymous
If you left out your hot take on her reentry needs, I think you’d get the whole board agreeing with you. I need reentry myself and think she’s perfectly reasonable in coming back Thursday, a 6 day vacation is plenty for me. That said, I’d pay for my half of the whole thing and leave when I wanted to. That’s her only sin here. Are y’all young? This also sounds like a 20- something problem.
Anonymous
Just tell her. “Hey, no that doesn’t work for us. We talked about Saturday to Saturday and we can’t afford to pick up the whole cost because you want to leave early. So we are going to plan our own vacation now that meets our needs.”
And do just that. There is more than one lake in the world.
Anonymous
Will she be leaving by check out time on Thursday? If not, she’s on the hook for Thursday too.
I’d say you agreed to split it, so she owes half, but maybe see what you can afford and offer some kind of buffer. Plus, you’re on the hook 100% for move-out cleaning.
If it’s a 10k rental @ ~$1500/nt and you would each otherwise pay $5k, if you can afford it it would be nice to offer a 60/40 split. If you can swing it, it acknowledges she’s there less time but you don’t have to take on the full Friday/Saturday cost.
Anon
Not sure on checkout time. What she said was “hey! So I think for [lake trip], we’re actually going to leave Thursday so we can decompress at home before work on Monday, so we wouldn’t be paying past Wednesday night. lmk if there’s an issue!! [DS] is excited for the trip!” To me that likely means leaving before checkout time, but who knows.
Anon
LAME!
Well, let her know. There’s an issue if you’re on the hook for the whole week and she initially agreed to a week when you made the deposit.
I don't think so
Hell, no.
That’s obnoxious. My sense is she doesn’t want to pay for the full week and is using “decompressing” as an excuse. But it doesn’t matter. Please, please, please tell her, “hey, we agreed to Saturday to Saturday, so if you aren’t going to pay half for the full week, we’ll just have to make different plans. LMK!”
I mean, she did say “lmk if there’s an issue!!” So let her know there’s an issue. She needs to pay half for the full week or it’s not happening.
And as others have suggested, get the money up front because she will totally “forget” and pay the lesser amount.
And possibly never book anything with her again.
Anon
Sounds like either they cannot afford or don’t want to pay as much for a vacation. In that case, I’d just say you weren’t budgeting paying 100% for 40% of the week. And that you can either plan a different trip together or that you’ll do your own thing.
Cat
Oh no no no no. Grade A cheapskate here and she’s trying to guilt you into feeling like YOU are the cheapskate for having an issue with it. My ire is up just reading this BS.
anon
Now I’m wondering how this turns out….
Anon
Me too! I want an update!
anonymous
What’s not clear is how committed was everyone to the rental? Was it “sounds fun” or “yes, book it.” Unless there was a firm commitment from friend to book it (and that means total costs spelled out, confirmed who’s doing the booking, etc.) I don’t think you get to be annoyed.
Cat
In the comments the OP clarified that the deposit was in and the full week booked with the agreement to split… I’m one of those really hoping for an update too and came back this morning to check!
anonymous
The clarifying comments didn’t sound that clear to me – she said “To me this was a plan, not just a shared brainstorm.“ Thar very well could have been OP jumping the gun on the booking. Also could be for legit reasons, popular rentals go fast. But if the other person doesn’t know that, it could have felt more planning stage to the friend.
NYC Nights
I have two nights in NYC next week for a work trip. I’ll be working and staying in midtown. What would you do if you had a few hours to kill each night by yourself? Maybe a quiet dinner somewhere that I can read a book? Museum that is open in the evening that is worth wandering around? I’ve done all the major sights before and looking to relax but also do more than just hit the hotel gym and work in the room…
A
K-Town spa for sure.
OP
I am intrigued- tell me more!
Anonymous
Look at Juevenex. There may be nicer options.
Go see a play or some other performance! There is an embarrassment of riches waiting for you.
AIMS
+ 1 to Juvenex! And dinner somewhere nearby. I suggest Okdongsik (google for the NYT review).
Anonymous
Oh, yes. Korean food after!
Anon
The Harlem Renaissance show at the Met Museum.
CMS
I like Juvenex for a K spa
Dinner at Urban Hawker for fun food and people watching.
Get last minute tickets to whatever musical is playing that night.
Sit in Bryant Park and read while having a delicious waffle from Wafels and Dinges (if its nice out).
anonymous
I love dinner by myself at Cafe Cluny in the West Village.
Anon
I am not in health care, but have taken various trainings over the years. I have a BA and my community college and local state U have BA -> RN programs. In the next 5 years, my husband may retire (he is older). I have had a crazy job that means that I have never taken a real vacation in a very long time that’s not a long weekend. Eldercare is becoming an issue. I also have a disabled child who will have ongoing support needs into adulthood. I am thinking of going for the RN (while my job is crazy, it is also very flexible, oddly enough) so that if I want to leave my crazy job and be able to have an ability to earn income part time, I would have something else to do. If nothing else, the education will likely be helpful in my family life even if I never do anything on the work front and just pursue the education. I have a friend who is a nurse anesthetist who thinks I’m not crazy for having this plan and we’ve talked about it a bunch. The cost of this would be minimal (in-state PT tuition or community college) and involve no travel or income loss unless I decide to scale way back or retire from my main job. Has anyone else done this or known someone who does? What I truly don’t like about work is that it’s perpetually 24/7 call, so I’ve worked around a funeral before and as my parents and husband age, that will be a dealbreaker that I’d like to exit with a plan. Scaling back is something I’ve tried and failed at for a decade (no one to backfill me).
Anon
I am in favor of anything that makes more nurses in the world!
Anon
I know someone who decided to get a nursing degree in her mid to late 50s, following (and overlapping, for schooling) a successful career. She is very happy she did it. She is now retired but volunteers for a nonprofit providing healthcare to those in great need. She feels like her nursing fit into her life and gave meaning in ways her previous career did not. It has also been extremely helpful when some family health crises arose.
Anon
I have an acquaintance who is an RN in a rural area and apparently picks it up and puts it down whenever she wants. Some years she’s a SAHM managing her kids’ sports schedules and some years she’s working in the ER. I don’t know how licensing/continuing ed in the field work, but for this anecdatum of one, it’s apparently NBD. (It probably helps that she grew up in the area and knows most people, even if the hospital gets bought out by whatever conglomerate.)
Pippa
Check into RN masters programs as well since you already have a BA. Grad school pricing and scholarships are often more competitive. The RN masters degree may also give you more future job flexibility.
Anon
My sister did it at age 45ish and “retired” at 55, but I still don’t think she regrets it. She can still do per diem work if she wants to, or part time work pretty much anywhere. That’s really one of the nice things about nursing – so much demand, you can find what works for you.
Anonymous
Lol you think you can balance this job with part time nursing school? Are you insane? Stop playing escapist fantasy games and get a new job.
anon
I do agree that working full time, going to nursing school, taking care of a special needs child and aging parent’s issues sounds like …. a nightmare?
ALT
Primary voting question: I just went to the library to return some books and ended up voting in the primary while I was there. I’m not registered with either party, but I voted on the Democrat ballot. It didn’t occur to me until I got back in my car that I maybe should have voted on the Republican ballot.
Would I have been able to vote on the Republican ballot?? *Should* I have voted on the republican ballot as to give my vote for someone R who is not Trump??
Obviously I can’t change my vote, but asking for the future!
Anon
It depends on the state and party. Some states are completely open, in some one party allows independents to vote and the other doesn’t, and there are some where both are closed to registered members.
https://ballotpedia.org/Primary_election_types_by_state
Anon
I’m should add, this link is for state level races. The policy is usually the same for presidential, but not always, so you might want to google for your state specifically.
Anonymous
Depends on if the state has open primaries or not. Some states you can only vote if you’re a registered member of the party (or sometimes if you’re registered independent).
anecdata
Different states have different rules on who can vote in which primary/deadlines for requesting a ballot, etc; but fwiw, I actually went and changed my party affiliation in order to vote in the republican primary for exactly that reason, I care more about the difference between Haley and Trump, than between Biden and Dean Phillip
Dee2
In Georgia you can vote in whichever primary you feel like for whatever reason, except in case of a runoff of that primary you’re not supposed to switch parties to vote in the runoff if you voted in the other party’s primary
Anon
Could you date someone who weighed less than you do?
I am a size 10 5’4″ woman. I went on a date with a man who I enjoyed talking to, but he was so thin that both of his legs weren’t as big as one of my thighs. I felt huge and uncomfortable. And awful, because I really try to be open-minded about looks and height. But I could not get past this.
Could/have you? Did you have to force yourself to ignore it or did it just not bother you?
Anonymous
I hear you – I was the same, one of my qualifications was actually that he had to have thicker thighs than me. But if you guys had a nice talk, maybe just lean out and let him pursue you? A strong interest from a guy can make up for a lot, IMHO… (And if he doesn’t, welp, oh well.)
Anon
I’m a larger woman who has pretty much only dated men who weigh less than me. It’s not a problem for me. And it’s never been a problem for them. (far from it)
Sounds like a you problem. Maybe work on that.
Anon
Thank you! Super helpful!
anonshmanon
same, I’m curvy and my DH and is the geeky/lanky type, same for my boyfriend in college. Also, same for my parents, so I’ve never questioned this before.
Anon
I did it once and he broke up with me. I was tiny then (5-4, 120#). But did feel like a Brienne of Tarth.
Anon
If you can’t get past it, you can’t get past it. Stop feeling guilty – we aren’t wired to be attracted to everyone out there. Please don’t short yourself on chemistry and attraction… it is one of the biggest things separating a romantic relationship from a friendship or coworker relationship.
Anon
That’s fine but it seems like a lot of it is feeling bad about herself! You can date anyone you’re attracted to, but feeling bad about yourself because you have normal sized thighs is something to work on in terms of self acceptance.
Anon
That’s your read that you are determined to put that on her.
Anon
agree w/ 4:40, this is kinda wild
Anon
+1 I see many, many couples in the world where the woman looks larger than the man (weight, not height), likely due to childbirth, menopause, the female curvy form, etc. Men seem to be able to maintain and lose weight more easily than women. It doesn’t strike me as odd. But if it matters to you, that’s fine. Attraction can’t be determined by logic and reason.
Anon
I have done this, and am doing it now. No complaints! He thinks I’m beautiful. I think he’s hot. It works just fine. But I also don’t care if I’m taller than my boyfriend, so I don’t care so much about these notions.
Anonymous
My husband was skinnier than me when we started dating.
That said, why do you feel you need to get past this? You’re attracted to the person you’re attracted to, why force yourself to change that?
Anonymous
Yup I’ve done it many a time. Idk how much they weigh as long as they know what to do in bed
Anon
I force myself to ignore feeling huge and uncomfortable in many contexts. It only bothers me because of internalized weightism stuff though, so I know that for me those are thoughts and feelings to just watch pass by.
Anonymous
Feeling bad about oneself and not being attracted to a scrawny guy are not at all the same thing. OP doesn’t find this man attractive because he’s small. As evidenced by some of the responses on this thread, there are plenty of women who do find small men attractive, and those are the compatible matches. OP is allowed to like what she likes in a guy and it doesn’t mean she hates herself or is biased. She doesn’t owe it to any guy to set aside her preferences. Ignoring signs of incompatibility is what leads to years wasted on doomed relationships, and often to divorce.
Anon
I didn’t hear OP say anything about whether the guy was attractive. I heard her say that she felt huge and uncomfortable. Isn’t that different?
I know sometimes when I find someone attractive I feel extra unattractive, I guess like a “surely they’re out of my league” feeling. I have no idea whether she found this guy attractive based on what she said.
People’s weight can change radically after marriage. I feel like that falls pretty squarely within “in sickness or in health” for me.
Anon
I’m 5’11 so even when I was at my skinniest weight plenty of guys weighed less. So yes. It didn’t bother me. I also have no issue dating men my height or a bit shorter, although I found I wasn’t generally attracted to guys under about 5’7″
Anon
I’m 5’10”. I am not a tiny little thing even at my lowest weight. I’m never going to have that little cheerleader with the big football player dynamic. I’ve on my second husband and dated *lots* of other guys, but I’ve always been bigger and curvier than the guys I was with. No shortage of suitors/lack of interest. ;)
Anonymous
My husband weighs a lot more than me and my thighs are still bigger than his. That said I have dated men who weigh less than me but they were muscular. I’m not sure I would be attracted to very skinny men irrespective of weight.
Anonymous
I am dating someone who weighs less than I do and it’s fine and he has never made it an issue. I am certain we’d both be happier if I lost weight, but not with the goal to be smaller than he is. He is fit and a bit younger than I am. That said, just before him, I briefly dated someone older than I am and pretty slender who did not work out ever and when we were physical he felt fragile to me, which I thought might become a turn off but since we did not progress it never came to that.
Anon
I have dated men who were did not have handsome or attractive faces because their personality is what attracted me. On the other hand, I never wanted to be with a man whose body was not attractive to me, period. If you are turned off, it is OKAY. There is a woman out there for him and a man for you!
NaoNao
There’s a cut off for me. My husband is about 20-30 pounds less than me but has stick legs and no booty so…it’s understandable. For me the cutoff is maybe…50 pounds or so, but if he loses weight I won’t divorce him! It’s awkward but I have to remind myself “my body wants to retain fat to nourish children, his does not”. It’s apples and oranges–the extra on me is curves and a figure he really likes, so ultimately I’d say it all comes out in the wash. Now would I date a very thin man who has a small frame? At 5’10” and a size 16, no. When I was doing online dating, I had men who were 5’7″ approaching all the time and I sometimes had to explain “it’s not just height. It’s that you have a small, lightweight frame and zero fat on your body. It will look like I’m kidnapping you.” heh.
Anonymous
I am thinking about offering a CLE this summer for my bar association. CLE would be about conflicts. Practical every day stuff like what’s the difference between a law firm business decision (we will not accept a case where the adverse party is a judge) vs. ethical rule (we will not file a foreclosure action against judge, when we represented her in negotiations with the mortgage company about the house last year). I’m not a pro but have been out 15+ years, serve my law firm as internal AGC, re-took the MPRE last year for licensure in another state, and regularly review ethics opinions. My state bar has an active professional ethics commission that disciplines attorneys. The commission gives trainings but sticks solely to slides about the current rules and then sometimes will also summarize historical public decisions like if the commission suspended an attorney’s license. That’s nice- and I’ve heard the same presentation, nearly word for word, every year for the last 5-8 years. Anyone out there ever go to a “good” ethics presentation on conflicts? Am I sticking my neck out too far by aiming to help illustrate examples?
anon
That sounds interesting! I like examples. I’ve never had to sort out my own conflicts process (big firm and in-house not litigator) and I’ve low-key wondered about edge cases where no litigation was involved in the original representation. Not so much that I’ve felt the need to look up rules when I don’t have a pressing need, but I’d love this kind of CLE.
Former Junior Associate
Never been to a good conflicts presentation; would love to go to one like you’re describing!
Anonymous
We have an excellent full-day ethics CLE in my state that includes a helpful section on conflicts. It is the most practically useful CLE I have attended.
In your case, I think you’d get the most traction appealing to small and mid-sized firm lawyers, and if your bar does a “how to run a small firm” CLE, perhaps offer to present during that. (It’s not that big firm lawyers don’t need this, it is that they are less aware they need it because it is someone else’s function and certain big firms often feel comfortable crossing lines because they think they won’t get caught or called out).
Anonymous
What state are you in? I’d totally look up recordings or past outlines
Anonymous
GA
I am sure there is a recording you can buy at gabar.org.
Anonymous
I’m the type of person that if I like a shirt, I buy several – think, two black, two non-sheer white, plus one of every color that works for my coloring. I’m looking for tops with a modest sweetheart neckline- must be able to wear a normal bra, so no wide boatneck; and no cleavage (if I see cleavage on a generic internet model, it’s almost always a no on me in real life). If anyone has seen some lately please share a store or link! I am doing a no @m@zon year so any other brands or sources appreciated.
Anon
I thought the idea of a sweetheart neckline was to emphasize cleavage.
Anonymous
Same.
Wouldn’t a crew neck be the better choice if no cleavage is the goal…?
Op
Much of the time I agree! I’m looking for more of an angular U shaped neckline – sometimes I do well with sweetheart neck tops that aren’t that low. (Talbots vs Bebe idea). I have some square neck tops I like but have seen a resurgence of sweetheart neck tops and thought someone may have an idea for a more modest version!
Anon
Are you sure you mean sweetheart? They tend to show a lot of chest and emphasize the cleavage.
Do you mean square neck by any chance?
anecdata
Yeah, I think you want to totally leave this feeling out of your conversation with her. It’s not your business whether she prefers taking partial-week vacations. It IS your business that you thought you all had a firm plan to split a week stay at a lake house, and her change of plans is leaving you in the lurch
Anon
Anyone here live in a state (South Carolina or other) where elections are held on Saturdays? What do people who observe on Saturdays do? Is it easy to vote early/by mail in those states?
Anonymous
I just looked this up and that is not listed as a qualifying reason to vote absentee in SC That is a bit horrifying.
Anon
Probably because they allow early voting for 15 days before election day. If you have significant early voting, not being able to vote on election day isn’t disqualifying. I’d obviously prefer to see no excuse vote by mail, but if you do have to give a reason, it makes sense that this wouldn’t be a valid one, and it’s definitely a good idea to have a range of voting days for people with busy schedules.
Anon
This — they have been having well-publicized early voting (available to all for any reason).
Anonymous
I didn’t think of that and feel much less horrified, or maybe not at all, after you pointed it out.
anon
Here’s a heartfelt thank you to all the ‘rettes in the hive who helped me see how awful my husband was with his name calling, yelling, threats, and vitriol. He told me I was “too sensitive” but thanks to you, I woke up. Our divorce was just final! I went out and celebrated last night with friends and champagne! I woke up in my peaceful, clean, and quiet home feeling so excited and thankful. There were many hard steps but at the worst of times I re-read your comments.
Thanks again to everyone who chimed in and helped me. xo
Anon
Congratulations! I’m glad you’re finding peace.
ArenKay
What a great update! Congratulations and hoping for smooth sailing ahead.
Anon
Congratulations!! Cheers to your new life!
anon
Congratulations!!!
Anonymous
Congrats!!
I am in a very similar situation. My divorce is almost final. Completely over all the yelling and fighting.
I now have an amazing, fun boyfriend and couldn’t be happier :)
Anon
So happy for you! Please come back and share your progress. Others trying to make that difficult decision find it so helpful to hear from those who have been through it.
RiskedCredit
Congratulations! I was so exhausted and depleted I didn’t have the ability to do anything but sleep on that day. I am so happy for you!
Op
Aw, thank you all!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Being alone is so much better than being with a bad guy!
Anon
YEAH!!
Tax Troubles
I’m someone who has a lot of anxiety around doing taxes and filing tax forms. A few years ago I had a situtation that I couldn’t figure out on my own and I paid someone to do my taxes. There was so much relief in how I felt about the situation that I continued to pay this person to do them. I look them over before he files. He comes highly recommended and he’s used by many people locally who have more income than I have and certainly more complicated taxes.
He called me yesterday to tell me that in reviewing my 2023 taxes, he discovered an error in my 2022 taxes. I owe the state (but not the feds) more money. When he told me the error and I pulled up my copy of the forms I see that I missed it in my review before he filed, but that it was an easy thing to miss.
He is going to file an amended 2022 state form, and his firm will cover the interest and penalties, I just need to pay the additional tax. He also won’t charge me for my 2023 taxes.
My questions are: 1) should I hire someone else to review my 2023 taxes before he files? 2) do I find a new person to do my taxes next year?
My tax anxiety is in full on high gear right now as a result of this, so I’m not sure that I’m thinking this through clearly.
Anon
Even professionals make mistakes. I think it’s a good sign that he was honest about the mistake and is correcting it, and is paying the penalties and interest. I wouldn’t feel the need to switch to a new person, but YMMV.
anon
Even excellent professionals make mistakes. The accountant is handling this mistake very well (noticed it, informed you, and is paying the interest/fees). I wouldn’t be bothered by a one off mistake handled this way.
That said, I’m a big believer in switching professionals of any sort if I don’t feel like I can rely on their advice, for their sake and mine. It’s up to you to decide if you still trust this person and if you can find someone who you trust more.
Anon
I think you have to balance your anxiety with what you have vs anxiety trying someone new. There is always a chance a human will make a mistake. In this case, he found it and is fixing it, so that’s a great resolution to finding an error. Maybe someone else wouldn’t have found it, you really can’t know.
I have no anxiety around this so obviously ignore my advice if you want but I would not hire a second set of eyes or hire a new tax preparer. This error sounds like no big deal and it’s getting fixed. People make mistakes. If people got fired every time they made a mistake like this (small and easily fixed and one he likely won’t make again, especially on your returns), no one would have a job.
Peloton
For comparison, we had a tax pro mess up a tax question we wouldn’t have known the right approach to but they should’ve (treatment of RSUs). When we got a letter from the IRS, the tax pro not only didn’t offer to cover the penalties and fees, they charged us to resolve the issue with the IRS. (Looking back, we should’ve hired someone new right away, but we were young).
Our current tax pro is not charging us to respond to a letter from our state tax board requesting additional information on a point, because they think they could have clarified it.
All told—your tax pro sounds like a good one! I would be happy with how he is handling this.
Anonymous
I would stick with this person for the following reasons:
1) it was an easy thing to miss
2) you yourself missed the thing in your review before he filed
3) he owned the mistake
and
4) he is going to file an amendment, cover penalties and interest, and not charge you to file 2023.
Keep him.
Anonymous
I think all this is fantastic, on two levels. First, you have a tax person who reviewed your return, caught a mistake, reached out to you about it, fixed it, and is eating the cost of all that. This sounds really good.
Second, it sounds like one of your worst fears has happened (something going wrong with your taxes), and you are literally experiencing that mistakes can happen and can be fixed, and they aren’t life-threatening or calamitous, and you can move past them and be OK!! This is GOLDEN. Take THAT, Anxiety!!
Anon
Does anyone have a recommendation for a multi vitamin without biotin? I was searching through the grocery store shelves, but it seems every brand I picked up had biotin in it.
Anon
I don’t know one, but I’m following, since I have to avoid biotin in advance of my thyroid labs every year, and I find that I’m just dragging myself through the day when I skip my multi.
Anon
Any tips on how to stop getting spam phone calls? For the past few weeks, I am getting phony recorded calls from “Healthcare Benefits” that come from different numbers. The recording is designed to sound a bit garbled a the beginning so that you think it’s a bad connection before realizing what the call really is. I block the incoming number each time but I will get the same call again from another number, sometimes multiples a day.
anon
If you can stop answering unknown numbers for awhile, that helps me. This kind of spam really stinks, especially if you don’t have the option to send unknown callers to voicemail.
anecdata
Stop picking up unexpected calls entirely/anything from numbers you don’t know – let them leave a message. I know this isn’t practical sometimes – like if you’re expecting a lot of calls back from medical offices who won’t leave a message for HIPPA reasons but if you can do it, it’s the only way. When you pick up the call, they know they’ve found a real number, and they will not give up. In addition to blocking the #, also choose the “report spam” option
Unfortunately it’s easy for scammers to keep changing the fake numbers they appear to be calling from
Anonymous
I ignore or hit ‘decline’. They tend to stop calling after a couple of days.
Anon
SIgn up for donotcall.gov. It does work. You can also report each phone number they use when you get these spam calls.
Cat
why are you bothering to answer?
Anon
Looking for some smart casual blouses that are simple/unfussy in solid colors. Not button down. Been looking around and they are few and far between. Any recs? Size 8/10
Anon
Something like this?
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/tops-and-blouses/cata000010/839387.html?priceSort=DES