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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dironah Sheath Dress

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A woman wearing a purple dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This shade of purple looks like a crocus peeking out to signify the start of spring. Boss always has top-notch dresses, but this might be my favorite of the season.

If you’re looking for a blazer to pair with it, you could always go for a traditional black or charcoal, but I think I’d probably choose something tweed-y, like this double-breasted jacket from Veronica Beard.

The dress is $495 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0–18. (There are also matching pants and blazer!)

A couple of other purple sheath options include one in deep plum from Hobbs ($116.25 on sale at Bloomingdale's) and one in “opal” from Calvin Klein ($99.98 at Macy's); for plus sizes, check out this wine-colored dress from DKNY ($39.98 on clearance at Belk).

Hunting for similar purple suits? Check this Banana Republic suit (down to lucky sizes) and this plus-size suit from Estelle.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

294 Comments

  1. Boss always has wacky names for items, like they have a bot generating them. Quality product though.

    Comms people: have you looked at the DM’s story today about a restaurant in Boston?

    1. Not in comms, but that story is wild. I fully support the customer in this, but think that people need to cool their jets and stop threatening the restaurant owner.

      2. Agree no threats to the restaurant owner (like when did threats become OK?). Also, the internet is an archive of every dumb thing people do.

        1. Do you suppose people are really sending her death threats, or is that what people say when they’ve been caught doing something bad to make themselves the victim? I am going with the latter.

          1. Good point! I am still assuming that people tell the truth but this is the sort of problematic situation where my allowance for nutjobs is a bit generous.

          2. As someone who has been on the receiving end of death threats to my immediate family, I can assure you that I did “nothing bad” other than being married to someone who had a public position on a very-small-potatoes local issue.

            That said, I’m team customer on this one.

          3. My dad once got death threats because someone ran a story about someone with his name (think gender neutral first name and very common last name, e.g. Taylor Smith). The person who actually did the thing lived in a different state, the person was a woman, and for something my dad has never been involved with, so I am 100% prepared to believe people actually made death threats.

            The internet be crazy.

          5. I received death threats and even ended up getting a restraining order against a stranger who started threatening and stalking me for being a local environmental activist in my small town. He started out making FB Lives ranting about me, people gave him attention, and it morphed into following me, taking photos of me, and posting violent s3xual/physical threats online. Complete incel behavior from someone I’d never even met or spoken to.

      3. I also fully support the customer and the owner’s decision to track them down on social media and reprimand them for using insurance (that’s what it’s there for!) is something you think someone along the way would have talked them out of. Death threats are wrong but you don’t get to publicly (yes, once you put something in writing consider it public) harrass your customers without blowback!

        1. Insurance would not have taken the cancellation fee back from the restaurant. This sounds like a disputed charge, not travel insurance.

      4. If he bad travel insurance, the travel insurance should have reimbursed him for his losses related to the cancelled trip. That doesn’t mean the restaurant doesn’t get paid.

        This sounds like he disputed the charge, not engaged travel insurance. That’s different.

          1. Although, it seems murky here — like the card has some travel benefits and handles things (I have low-brow cards, so not a world I’m super-familiar with). Still: restaurant owner is so far out of line here.

    2. I’m im Boston. She’s nuts in my opinion – she absolutely has a known reputation among many. Boston Magazine profiled her in 2021-ish that they reposted to their Insta yesterday in case you want to reread. This one just happened to go viral. It’s definitely a unique restaurant experience. I’ve never been and never plan to go, but from what I know it’s two seatings per night with a pre fixe menu so that’s why the cancellation policy is so tight, she says.

      1. Like can you not just fill in with others from a cancellation list? Most restaurants don’t turn tables any faster and people get to pick their food. Still: way to throw some zeros and commas on a small-dollar problem. Also: slander is spoken.

      3. I agree, this behavior in unhinged. And LOL at her engaging her legal team because the customer published her DM. GTFOH, lady.

      4. Also in Boston – I’ve walked by her restaurant but never wanted to go. Why would I go to a place called “Table” in the North End little Italy section, when there’s many longtime Italian restaurants to choose from? She seems like a huge jerk!

    3. Question: I would have thought that the travel insurance was on the hook for paying the cancellation fee. Isn’t that the point of insurance pools? That they have some principle that then gets infrequently paid out for events that fall within their coverage, which this appears to be since they otherwise covered the costs of the trip? The media coverage I saw (admittedly from late last week so perhaps not the latest) was just that the travel insurance canceled the reservation and then them or the guest contested the cancelation fee via the credit card company. I don’t think there’s a great showing here by any of the parties involved, but that also seems like dodging of a known and accepted responsibility by either the guest or the travel insurance.

      1. I feel like the customer made reasonable choices – they booked trip insurance as it was an expensive outing (concert tickets/hotel/dinner/train reservations) and they wanted to be covered in case anything went wrong. Something did (they had a medical emergency and went to the ER) and then they used the insurance they paid for. It’s not like they cancelled for no good reason and then disputed the charge to avoid facing the cancellation fees.
        The restaurant deserves the bad PR, but the death threats are nuts.

      3. I agree – the article is missing a comment from the credit card insurance. I would think that the travel insurance would still pay the restaurant, just protect the customer from the card. I would not have expected that travel insurance would handle it as a disputed charge or just not pay!

        1. I don’t see this as a typical disputed charge scenario but it is typical for a restaurant’s cancellation fee to equal the meal price?

          I’ve seen hotspots in my city putting cancellations out on social media where the spots are quickly snapped up, so I feel like there is a win-win way for businesses to manage this challenge (and this is how to mushroom your mistakes into catastrophic mistakes).

          1. It’s becoming a thing in my city (New Orleans) for high-end, pre-fixe restaurants to charge the meal price when you make the reservation. Mosquito Supper Club, Dakar Nola, and Saint Germain are all doing it. The cancellation policy is typically that you can transfer the reservation to someone else (and work out payment among yourselves, I guess) or you can reschedule your reservation, depending on the notice. You don’t get a refund. Mosquito Supper Club’s website compares their system to buying concert tickets.

          2. Yes this started with Alinea in Chicago per my business school pricing strategy class

      4. From the article, it looked to me like the insurance was through the credit card company. I think how it usually works is that the traveler is refunded and the cc company tries to recoup the loss. I didn’t read it as a double recovery for him or anything he even had control over beyond making a legitimate insurance claim.

        1. It’s like the restaurant needs to read its merchant agreement with Visa or MC and be mad at them.

        2. I work in this industry. Reading between the lines: his card had travel insurance as a benefit. He called in to make a claim. A rep at Chase screwed up and charged back the fee instead of putting it through as a travel insurance claim.

          1. That’s not really how it works… I’ve claimed Chase travel insurance and it’s an entirely separate company you go through. There’s no way it would be confused with a disputed charge, which Chase does address themselves. A Chase rep would not make this mistake because they don’t process insurance claims themselves. When you call Chase about filing insurance they tell you “call this other company”and give you the name and number.

          2. Sounds like the travel insurance didn’t necessarily cover a cancellation fee for a restaurant reservation. When the diner sought a refund, he reportedly was told by the restaurant to take it up with the credit card company. He shouldn’t have needed to contact the restaurant (or other vendors) if the travel insurance had come through to reimburse him for expenses associated with the cancelled or interrupted travel. So if insurance did not cover this loss, the patron probably requested a reversal of the cancellation fee, the restaurant declined, and then he disputed the charge. Completely different/separate from travel insurance compensation (in which the restaurant expense would remain paid, but the diner would be reimbursed for this trip cancellation-associated charge).

      5. Agreed. Then the customer is describing his actions as using travel “insurance,” which I’d typically expect to cover cancellation fees. It’s not clear whether he knew that he was initiating a dispute, or whether he thought the “insurance” would pay the fee.
        Dealing with credit card disputes is also a huge hassle for small businesses, and they also pay a fee every time a dispute is filed. It’s really not fair to dispute a charge that you agreed to. And it was really a mistake (or passive aggressive behavior) by the restaurant employee to invite the customer to take it up with their credit card.
        For now, I won’t make reservations at restaurants that charge hefty cancellation fees, or require prepayment for your meal. I have an 8-year-old, so in addition to the chance that DH or I gets sick, there’s a chance that our babysitter cancels, or the 8-year-old gets sick and the babysitter (fairly) doesn’t want to be exposed to a sick child. Unfortunately, at this stage of our lives, our plans frequently change, so we choose restaurants that allow us to be more flexible. That said, DH has been a server at a small, Michelin-star restaurant, and there’s nothing like going home with half of what you expected because a table of 6 no-showed. So I really do understand why certain restaurants choose to operate this way.

        1. Living the same life and finding that restaurants are happy to have my speedy self and husband come for dinner at 5 or 5:30 where they can turn the table before the main crowd shows up. I cannot imagine dinner at 7 or 8 or later anymore.

          1. I love later reservations. When we get a babysitter, I want them to handle bedtime all the way through, which now ends around 8:30-9:00. If DH and I go out to dinner and have a couple of drinks, the last thing I want is to come home and tell DS to brush his teeth, put on his pajamas, etc.

        2. I didn’t go to restaurants like that even before kids. There could be a work emergency or short notice work travel.
          However some restaurants require a deposit but will let you switch to a different date with no penalty and I’m fine with that.

    4. If you have a strict and unpopular policy, everyone in the restaurant needs to know how to communicate the policy without sounding like a jerk.

      You also need to ask yourself what you want. Will the guy be shamed into returning? Giving you the $250, if that’s even possible? What concrete result do you want from this action? Is that worth the costs of the action?

      On a side note, I would never give a restaurant the name of “Table.”

  2. Just curious – can anyone comment on the quality of Garnet Hill cashmere?

    1. My mom has a bunch of Garnet Hill cashmere and it is lovely. But it is not for klutzes: every so often she gives me a piece and despite my best efforts I inevitably damage it beyond repair.

      1. I’m curious what you do to damage it beyond repair. Kind of genuinely, also kind of wondering if you work as a blacksmith or something.

        I’ve been thinking about trying GH cashmere, as cashmere from most other places has taken a serious nose dive in quality. I have a couple of GH merino cardigans that I like – they are not super warm but the wool is nice, very smooth and drapes well.

        1. Most recently I caught a sweater on my br* and pulled a yarn out of place. I cannot get it back where it goes.

      1. I agree with this. The GH cashmere sweater I received as a gift was beautiful and soft and seemed quite well made. However, the cut really skewed old lady so I never wore it.

        1. I am going to insert my regular plea that people please think about the agism of their statements. If you mean the cut was boxy or too long or whatever, then by all means point that out but “old lady” (particularly as a pejorative) is not descriptive and it is offensive.

          If I came here and said something was cut “for fat people” I would be roundly flamed. And I would deserve it. This is not different.

          2. I am the one who says the cuts are odd. I mean exactly that–not boxy or frumpy but shaped like no human person’s body. Like three different sizes patched together in one garment but not in a way that makes any sense for any actual body type.

        2. I am literally an old lady and have been wearing cardigans my whole life. I love them. I’m not offended, but I’d love to know what makes them an “old lady” cut. The new ones don’t seem all that different from the ones I had in grade school. Even if you’re not the OP, I’d appreciate an answer and promise, I won’t be mad!

    3. I’ve had one of their cashmere wraps for about ten years and it barely shows any wear, even though I use it 3-4 times a week through each winter.

    4. if you’re hunting for cashmere, I’ll put in a plug for Bloomingdales (family member works there)
      1) it’s on sale now, 2) I wear my sweaters 1x per week in winter and they’ve held up for 5+ years.

    5. It’s excellent. I have a sweater that’s 5 years old and looks pristine. I also purchased the washable cashmere sweatshirt in the Fall and it’s holding up beautifully, so I don’t think they’ve seen a decline in quality. As with any cashmere, make sure you’re reading the description to understand how thick the material will be/how the knit will wear. If you’re purchasing a tissue weight sweater or something with a more open weave, you can’t expect it to have the same longevity as a thicker knit.

      I agree with a prior poster that the cuts can be hit or miss, which makes their shipping charges annoying.

    6. Yes, I have several pieces purchased since 2018 – gotten about one very other year and I love them. Have held up well very soft, little pilling. Recycled. Great colors, Worth the price and there are frequent 20-30% off sales.

    7. It’s very good. I have bought several of the large wraps over the years, and they hold up extremely.
      I usually wait until their sales (ex. black friday/Xmas) to buy.

      Surprisingly, this years’ wrap is not quite as lux as the last one I bought.
      As with all brands, there are changes with time. It is not quite as thick anymore. But it is still very good.

      And you just reminded me…. I bought two this Xmas and returned one (their “teal” color was too washed out for me), and never got a credit back. Must call them.

    8. I am late to the comments but wanted to chime in. Older GH cashmere has been great – I own several. I received the Boyfriend oversized cardigan sweater for Christmas a year ago and was very disappointed – although gorgeous, warm and soft, it pills like crazy and isn’t something I can even wear out of the house anymore. It started pilling immediately and hasn’t stopped. For an almost $300 sweater, very disappointing.

  3. Does anyone use solid shampoo? I’d like to switch, but I’m having a hard time finding one that I like. I have very thick hair so I’m finding it hard to get enough lather.

    2. I’ve landed on regular shampoo, solid conditioner (made locally, so I’m afraid I don’t have a brand rec). Solid shampoo didn’t work well for my scalp, but I’ve been happy with the conditioner. And I always went through twice as many bottles of conditioner than shampoo, so I figure I’m making a decent environmental impact this way!

    3. I use Love Beaty and Planet Coconut Water Shampoo and Conditioner bar. It says it’s a conditioner too, but it doesn’t weigh down my hair at all, it just makes the shampoo less harsh. I actually use a separate conditioner after, because the conditioner in it isn’t enough. I have thin hair but a lot of it and it gets greasy pretty quickly. I lather in my hand and then put the lather on my hair/scalp. My hair lasts longer between washes with this bar than with any other shampoo I’ve used before.

    4. I use the Kitsch Rice Bar Shampoo and Conditioner and love it! It makes my hair so soft and is so much better than higher priced shampoos I used. I keep it in mesh bags hanging in my shower.

    5. I love Hibar, but it took trying a few of their offerings to find the one that is right for my fine, frizz-prone hair (the volumizing option, FWIW). It makes very satisfying lather, unlike some of the other solid brands I tried.

      1. Also like HiBar. Have also had luck with Brixxy. Both available at Whole Foods. Have tried and liked Ethique, but HiBar was a little less expensive. I use both shampoo and conditioner.

    6. I would love to use one, but I tried one from Lush and had a horrible allergic reaction so now I’m scared off.

    7. I use the JR Liggett classic bar and it works well for me. I have fine, straight hair so I need something very lightweight.

  4. Maybe a weird question, but where do I get a reasonably attractive garbage can? For various reasons, our current kitchen cannot accommodate built-in garbage and the only spot I can put it in is pretty visible. Any ideas? The options at my local hardware store were all pretty hideous.

    2. I have two recommendations. The first is Simple Human. A relative had one of their cans visible in the kitchen of an apartment that was featured in Architectural Digest, so the design standard is pretty high. Also, a large, painted “bullet” with a swing door like an old-fashioned restaurant trash can, like https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwikifyVnsmEAxWMaUcBHbS4DA0YABAMGgJxdQ&ae=2&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpIn8lZ7JhAMVjGlHAR20uAwNEAQYAiABEgJEM_D_BwE&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAASJeRouynHnYqO-xo57_Ilw44WIIcTA6k7FAD6TvHFw0GnmDY2Xc8&sig=AOD64_10-6Aep3UudOPKtyWd0Aj_2y8JnA&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwittvSVnsmEAxUfEVkFHahtDmkQ5bgDKAB6BAgEEA8&adurl=

      1. If you go w/ simple human, be sure to check the step mechanism on the bottom. I got one of these for my parents a few years ago (not cheap!), and the step mechanism is made of plastic, not metal, so with repeated use, it broke right away within a couple months.

      2. Oooh you just reminded me that I want an old-fashioned trash can like that for our garage. We keep an old plastic one on there for misc. trash when cleaning out the garage, and a bullet one would be so cute.

        1. I bought my giant bullet can more than 30 years ago and it is still in fabulous shape. It felt expensive when I bought it ($ for a trash can!) but it has been such a great puchase.

    3. We have a simple human that we like that I’d say doesn’t look bad! It’s expensive but the smell entrapment is next level (which is what we were specifically solving for, not looks).

    5. I think the Brabantia half circle ones are very nice. Flat back, round front, nice colors.

    6. I have a rose gold simple human one, it looks as good as garbage is going to get and has a metal step. Going strong 5+ years on.

    7. We have a Better Homes & Gardens step one bought for about $60 from Walmart, which I thought was a pretty good deal. It’s held up great and in our last house the black one blended beautifully with the black island we had it next to so it wasn’t such a sore thumb. What colors would be best camouflaged in your kitchen spot?

    8. It felt ridiculous to spend $100+ on a trash can, but our Simple Human one still looks like new a decade later.

    9. Another vote for Simple Human. I actually have three – one for trash, one for recycling, one dog food storage, and they are all holding up well. I have not had any issues with the step mechanism on the two trash cans and it’s been 2-3 years.

    11. Step-lid opening trash can instead of a swing-lid opening trash can, so that you can easily scrape plates and toss trimmings after chopping up produce easier and more “touch-lessly.” Otherwise, the trash inevitably touches the swing lid as it’t going in, and requires more frequent cleaning/wiping than a pop-up lid will need.

    13. I have a white metal Songmics step trash can that has held up perfectly for 4 years and I like that it looks unobtrusive and like it is possibly not a trash can

  5. Can anyone recommend a good OB practice in the Walnut Creek/Concord/Lafayette area? In addition to high-quality care (a given), I’m looking for a practice that has good phone access (no long phone trees/excessive wait times to speak to someone), reasonable wait times for appointments and appointments start close to on time, on-site ultrasound, and either direct experience with high-risk pregnancies or very good referral systems for dealing with them. I would prefer a female provider but would consider seeing a male. Any ideas?

    Also, I previously was going with UCSF’s prenatal care at Mission Bay, but I’m on the fence about my experience. I welcome any comparisons from locals.

    1. Honestly, in this day and age, you are asking for a lot! Sad, but true… I’ll be curious of what recs you get.

    2. I’m in the city and used UCSF midwives at the Mt. Zion location for a couple of high risk pregnancies (with visits to the applicable high risk folks at Mission Bay as and when appropriate, and delivering twice at Mission Bay); I also do virtually all of my other medical stuff and my kids medical stuff with UCSF. The care has been outstanding, but to the extent you’re looking for ease of scheduling, well-oiled logistics, etc., I don’t think they’ll fit the bill for you.

    4. I liked Ella Kahn in Albany but then I switched to Kaiser. Sutter health east bay had decent online scheduling, and overall a website that wasn’t as much of a dumpster fire compared to other health care websites.

    5. Cecily Bason-Mitchell in the City is excellent, has a big practice, has the best bedside manner, and it really comforts me that she does surgery, often. Like–she could really be useful if there were an emergency. She did a minor lady surgery on me during covid (I was under general) and she was so great. All of my friends and I have gone to her for years. And, true story–she saved my best friend’s life. She’s the bomb.

    6. Not in SF, but I had three high risk pregnancies with a demanding travel job and I found it really helpful to book as many appoints out as far as I can.

      My OB was amazing and I booked every single OB/MFM appointment I need for the whole pregnancy after my very first appointment.

      It made planning my travel a lot easier, cut down on admin time, and ensured that I got my desired first of the day appointment time.

  6. Reposting from last week because I realized too late that I posted during a school closure/”ski week” – a big thing in the Bay Area with a lot of people OOO. Thank you to the person with a Portland rec!

    I’m looking for an immigration lawyer recommendation in the San Francisco Bay area. It’s for a complex situation that is going to require a strategic thinker – I’m not looking for someone who can diligently fill out a few official forms for us (we can do that for free), but someone who knows the intricacies of family immigration law in today’s climate. Needs to speak Russian but could settle for a non-speaker and get an external translator in a pinch. Any ideas?

    2. You don’t need someone in the Bay Area–you got a rec last week for a Russian speaker. I would go with that person. Imm is federal–you don’t need a local attorney for that.

      It will be far more annoying and costly to deal with translators but have someone whose office you can go to. Imm forms can easily be FedExed for signature.

      1. +1, also if the person is already in proceedings / needs an atty to physically go to IC in SF, reach out to the Portland referral and ask if they could travel (not unheard of). If not, ask who they would recommend for SF.

  7. Fun, low-stakes question:

    I have the next few months off. I’m single, I have no caregiving responsibilities, and I’m at CoastFIRE, so immediate income is not a concern.

    I’m thinking about spending a month somewhere else to work on creative projects and chill, but where? I’m overwhelmed with options and ideas. Where would you go?

    1. After watching way too much Escape to the Country while on lockdown, I would spend some of that time renting a cute little cottage somewhere in rural UK once spring hits, especially if some of my creative endeavors included writing, as it would be so cozy!
      This would also be a prime time to travel some place super far from home. When the flight is 20+ hours, I want to take at least 2 weeks to explore and preferably more, but that is tough with a FT job.
      Congrats on hitting CoastFIRE! I am working toward that and close enough that I downshifted my career a couple of years ago. Still working fulltime but in a slower paced, less stressful job. It’s a life changer after years of the “big job” grind.

    2. I would rent a cabin on the beach in northern California or Oregon.
      Wherever you go I hope it’s wonderful!

    3. Asia or Australia if you’re US-based. Those places are hard to visit in the 1-2 weeks you’d normally have for vacation.

    5. With that amount of time I’d second (or third?) the suggestions for Asia, etc. But if you’d rather stay closer, I highly recommend Costa Rica. There’s a lot to explore, a large expat community, and it’s a beautiful country.

  8. Has anyone had a teen not master driving? A lot of area teens we know never learned to drive due to COVID. Now it is our turn. Signing kiddo up for more lessons so that we can have the safety of an instructor and a dual-control car (I was not comfortable outside of parking lots or very quiet neighborhoods at night). We are in a car-needed part of the US. G-d bless driving schools. In my mind, I see this as an issue exacerbated by so much screen time wrecking their attention span and COVId moving them into a screen-mandatory life (with remote schooling and so many apps for things) earlier than their brains could handle it.

    1. You’ve got to get behind the wheel with the kid, the only way to master it is by doing it. If you can’t deal, maybe your spouse can? Lessons are fine but practice is the way.

      1. *1 Practice is the most important part. Once I got a permit, my mom made a rule that if I was in the car, I was driving. She was mainly just tried of driving, but it was the impact that I got lots of practice and was really comfortable behind the wheel by the time I could take the test.

      2. +1 I never learned to drive. My parents thought the 6 hours of in-car instruction provided by the state mandated driver’s ed would be sufficient. The driver’s ed instructors were flummoxed that I had no experience not involving them. I couldn’t even finish the driver’s ed course because it expected you to practice out of class.

        This isn’t something your teen can teach themselves. There has to be an adult willing to put in the time.

    2. I didn’t master driving until I was out of college. My teen brain just couldn’t do it. Fortunately my slightly older sister was willing to haul me around during high school and I went to a college where I didn’t need a car. This was decades before screen brain existed.

    3. I have 4 kids who all had varying degrees of difficulty mastering driving. One who had difficulty was well before COVID (and she now has a doctorate degree, and drives safely, fwiw). Two others passed on the first try, and my 4th (high functioning autism, also pre-COVID) had difficulty but is now a safe, experienced driver.

    4. Why are you worried your kid isn’t going to master driving when you only just started the process?

      1. +1. But I am surprised at all the teenagers who don’t learn to drive these days! It’s a life skill, and seems more difficult to make time for lessons (and find a car to learn with) once you’ve left home. Plus, it’s a safety issue if you’re with friends who are drinking — I want my kid to be able to step up if in a bad situation. I guess you can’t force a kid to drive, but short of dragging them, I will basically require my kids learn by the time they are 18.

      2. I couldn’t tell from the post if they are just starting (borrowing trouble), or they have been trying for a while and it’s not working. But in the latter case, the only detail that you’ve provided is that you find it stressful to practice with your teen. Not clear if this is a you problem or a them problem.

        1. I can’t tell if the comment I wrote is in mod or got eaten, but I’m the OP and we’ve done driver’s ed and one round of behind the wheel and she’s passed the permit test. We have driven with the permit, but I can tell that it’s just not working well after a few months of trying to build her confidence. The driving school teacher said she was just very nervous and they referred us to a teacher who is good at dealing with hard cases (former OT). We’ve had several lessons with her also and even she says that she thought kiddo would have made some more progress. I get that it may take longer (but are there some people who just never master it? or are just “I’m comfortable driving locally to known places” and that’s it? in which case, also fine).

          2. What exactly isn’t she mastering? Highway on ramps? Left turns across multiple lanes of traffic? Or coming to a complete stop at a stop sign, using her turn signal, and successfully turning right into the correct lane without hitting the curb or anything? The first two are harder to master, the third is much easier.

          3. This is a very different question than your original post. I think you would have gotten useful responses if you hadn’t turned your post into a rant about screen time and COVID. Also, you very clearly said that you aren’t comfortable driving with your kid.

            Yes, there are plenty of people who either don’t master driving or are just comfortable driving locally to known places, and this was true back in the 90s when I was learning to drive. However, most people who try to learn to drive succeed. Your daughter needs to practice in your own car, doing your normal routine. Make her drive on the way to school or activities. Make her drive you to do errands on the weekend. Any time you’re getting in the car with her, she needs to be behind the wheel. I have a 16 year old learner myself and get that it’s super hard to add the extra time to the routine to have her drive, but it needs to happen if she’s going to be a competent driver.

          4. If she’s nervous, I would personally have the parent drive out to a quieter area and turn it over to her. Take time to have her drive every weekend at least. If possible, take her out to drive at night in a quiet neighborhood. Focus on some skills at a time, like avoid no signal left hand/cross traffic turns, no highways, no snow/ice, and don’t worry about making her park yet. Or if she’s good at parking, let her practice parking for awhile and take away the street driving.

            Like anything else, it should be possible to repeat a limited set of skills until she has mastery then add new skills on top.

            For anything she’s really nervous about, try talking through the approach, then have the parent demonstrate the skill, then have her try over time at a quiet time. Like freeway driving, start slow early on a weekend morning.

          5. She isn’t comfortable because you are not comfortable with her driving. My mom was a wreck when I would drive. It was ridiculous and harmed my confidence.

          6. Driving is hard. Learning to drive with a nervous teacher next to you is harder. Please don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s not going to work out. It takes time to practice.
            My FIL is such a big worry wart that he avoids taking highways at all cost. Time is not as much of a factor for someone who retired early and has had control of his time for the last 35 years. But at some point he would try to convince my husband that highways are too dangerous to drive, even though he had 10 years of experience driving at that point, and almost succeeded with that silliness until husband checked in with reality. Having your parents’ worries projected onto you is incredibly powerful, so if you can lean onto professional instructors and take this out of the equation for your teen, that would be a big step.

          7. I don’t know how much outside-of-lessons driving you’re doing, but this sounds well within the range of normal learning speeds — it just takes a lot of practice. FWIW, I would say it took ~18 months for me to get really comfortable, and that was driving almost every day (“comfortable” = not tired when done/genuinely wasn’t thinking “oh it’s nice to relax and not drive” if my parents offered to drive instead). The actual with-an-instructor part of driver’s ed was like, less than 5%, of the total practice driving time I got.

            Since you’re driving to quieter roads to practice, are there places where your kid knows the roads really well (near the school on a weekend maybe?) Imo, navigating and driving at the same time is a lot harder.

    5. I mean my sister failed her test twice (the parallel parking part) but she got there eventually.
      Are you not driving with your kid at all, or are you going to drive with them after their lessons?

      1. OP here: we drive, but our mutual stamina is about 15-30 minutes right now and in a pretty controlled environment. Given safety concerns, I will drive the busy streets to get to a place where teen feels confident. The driving school will do a 2-hour block but teen is pretty mentally tired after that, so it is usually on a weekend.

        1. Honestly you seem like a huge part of the problem. It is wild your stamina is only 15 minutes? You need to be supportive and encouraging. Does your child have another parent who could teach this?

        2. You need to get to a place where she is able to just drive from your home. And I’m wondering how much of her fear is a result of your fear. – it’s very normal to practice on all types of city streets all the time

          1. My mom definitely couldn’t teach me to drive (or ride a bike), so my dad took it over. Is there a partner, aunt, grandparent, etc who might be able to sub in.

          2. Agreed. On the very first day of driving school, my instructor had me driving down narrow, twisty roads. I was really nervous (she pointed out that if I didn’t relax my shoulders, I’d be looking like a linebacker in no time) but we got through it.

            I’m a flight instructor now. Being calm and confident is key to supporting any student’s learning. They make mistakes under my supervision, and we add that to their bucket of experience and move on.

        3. My sister didn’t learn to drive until she was about 22, maybe later. She is 4 years older than I am but got her license after I got mine. I am the one who got her there, and while she was generally timid about a lot of things, I think the real hurdle was the friction between her and our parents. They just get very frustrated with her very quickly and she shuts down – in every situation but esp ones as fraught as driving. Once I got her out it went pretty quickly.

        4. My mom was a nightmare when I was a teen learning to drive. She would shreik, death-grip the ceiling handle, constantly yell ‘watch out!’ but not say for what, or say ‘slow down!’ when I was going the speed limit. As a result I did not learn to drive until I had a job and could pay for driving lessons on my own at 26. I am now probably the safest and most at ease driver among my friend group, so clearly I could learn. Don’t be my mom.

        2. I think a lot of people from your state have moved to mine and it is very annoying.

        3. 30 years ago in Ohio we had a “maneuverability test” which felt like doing a ballet with a car around orange cones. 15 years later I realized that it was supposed to simulate parallel parking without the risk of damage to nearby cars.

    6. Lessons are great, but you also need to spend some quality time in the car with your kid and give him time to practice. Also, not sure how much of this is related to Covid. People do learn things at different rates, and driving uses many executive functioning skills in addition to the physical. If anything has affected it, it’s that my kids have never learned to drive ATVs or mowers like I did growing up in a more rural area. Yes, driving a car was completely different, but at least I understood the mechanical concepts and had practice steering, accelerating, braking, etc.

      1. Co-sign. The kids I know who did well driving when first trying had driven on family or grandparental farms for years before driving a car on a street. In my city, which due to high recent growth has major thoroughfares going through many close-in neighborhoods, driving during the day has problems of kids, bikes, scooters, dog walkers, joggers, trash cans, bad lines of sight, etc. I’m glad I’m not learning to drive here. We go to medical and office parks at night and can get up to 20+ mph on the internal “streets” but I need to get her more car-road-feel confidence before tackling daytime suburbia. You really have to focus on just one thing (driving) and also everything (predicting behavior of everything else out there), all at the same time and it’s not like Mario Kart where you get other lives if you crash. I get how kids must feel like it’s all so much (and it is).

        1. She won’t get confidence by you not letting her try. Sounds like your anxiety is holding her back.

          1. so much of what I hear about ‘kids these days post-covid’ just sounds a lot like parents holding the back of their children’s shirts with fear and letting them rot on iphones. What happened to forcing kids to do challenging and new things out in the real world?

    7. We are in the midst of teaching our second teen to drive. The most important thing really is getting lots of practice time. Start slow, in empty parking lots to practice braking and turning. But you eventually need to get them time on the road.

    8. Is it possible your anxiety about driving with your kiddo is part of the problem? I ask because you mention that you are only comfortable driving with them in very limited circumstances. I remember when I was learning to drive I had one parent who I could drive with without any problems, and one whose anxiety about me being behind the wheel made it impossible for both of us!

      But also, my younger sister was a truly terrible driver in her teens and early twenties, then moved somewhere where public transportation was a viable alternative, and when she started driving again in her thirties she became a much safer driver. So I do think there are some kids whose brains just aren’t developed in the right way to handle driving as a teen.

      1. +1,000 to let your spouse handle it if you can’t! My folks were the same way – it’s still hard for me to drive with my mom in the car.

        1. Same. I am nearly as old now as my mom was when I was learning to drive, and it is still stressful to have her in the car. Dad taught me how to drive with an easy incentive structure – I could go wherever I wanted as long as I drove there. Turns out cherry limeade in the summer is enough to get me to learn how to make a left hand turn on a super busy road. He was always super chill and narrated decisions while driving. He also emphasized the fun parts – here is a big parking lot, let’s floor the car then slam on the breaks so you know what’s coming. Long way of saying the same as everyone else – it just takes time and the parent needs to chill the h$ll out.

      2. +10000 if you’re not calm, your kid sure won’t be calm. It was terrifying learning to drive with my father because he was panicking every time I made a move, whether or not that move was correct. It pulled all my focus away from driving.

        Is there an unflappable trusted friend or uncle who could take on some of the practice driving time? Alternatively it sounds like your kid will just need a lot more lessons.

    9. I have two complete aged kids. The older one is a great driver and very independent. My youngest still doesn’t have a drivers license. He has no interest in it. I guess I’m glad I don’t have that extra cost on my auto insurance + the expense of him keeping a car at college (he lives off campus). It’s working out fine.

      1. Idk why you’d let a kid skip out on learning an important life skill because they don’t feel like it.

        1. +1 and you don’t need to get a kid a car to take to college just because they can drive. That is not something we will be doing, unless there’s some pressing need like work or an internship to get to, and then they can pay for it themselves!

        2. He’s doing just fine without it. He takes the bus a lot and walks everywhere. It’s not like I’m going order him YOU MUST DRIVE. He’s 20, it’s his choice.

          1. Good on him for figuring it out. Until more people refuse to accept having a car and driving as a (very expensive) requirement, nothing will change re: traffic, dangerous road design, environmental impact of cars, better public transit, bike/ped safety, denser housing, and more.

          2. He is severely limiting his job choices at graduation if he refuses to learn to drive.

          3. Not really. Some jobs do mandate having a driver’s license but not all or even most. Having a driver’s license shouldn’t be a hiring manager’s proxy for “reliably coming to work”, because it isn’t and wades into discrimination territory against people with all sorts of disabilities.
            If someone doesn’t drive and gets where they need to go, it’s nobody’s business how they do it.

          4. There are large sections of the country where you need to drive your own car to get to work or the grocery store. Ridesharing just isn’t a thing everywhere. If you don’t drive, you limit yourself to living in places where you can get around without a car, and to jobs that are located in those places or are fully remote. Because I have a driver’s license and a car, I can take a job anywhere in the United States if I want to.

          5. A kid not knowing how to drive would be a nonstarter for me and that’s a total parenting fail. It’s a necessary life skill regardless of whether you own a car or not.

        3. I didn’t own a car until I was 25: we were a two car family so I could usually borrow from my parents on weekends in high school to socialize or work, I didn’t have one in college, and I lived in a walkable city post grad. HOWEVER, my parents were insistent I learn how to drive as soon as legally able because it’s a safety issue. You never know when you’re going to need to drive someone to the hospital or pick them up for a safety reason.

          I’m totally fine with my kids not driving much, but there’s no way I’d allow them to not get a license

    10. Two thoughts: 1) Practice is important. 2) It’s not a big deal if they fail the test or aren’t comfortable driving until later.

      My own personal experience: I got my license in Europe at 18 like everybody in my home country, but had so little practice while living only in large cities without a car, that I didn’t drive again until my 30s when we moved to the US. And I failed my first driving test here. I’m still embarrassed about it (it was for something stupid, I had to pass a cyclist in heavy traffic and accelerated to 36 mph in a 30 zone).
      I am still not comfortable driving anything but automatic cars in Europe, as I haven’t driven with a stick shift it in almost 25 years.

    11. So. You not being comfortable isn’t a Covid thing. Parents have never “been comfortable” teaching kids to drive? Nevertheless you do it. You picks calm neighborhood and you give it a shot. You start close to home.

    12. Is there a rural-ish area within an hour of your home? There are fewer pedestrians, intersections, and cars on the road but there’s enough going on to take their skills to the next level.

      I liked driving lessons because the instructor was less anxious than my parents. That helped me build confidence. But parents give practical real-world advice that instructors won’t. Instructor sessions should be in addition to -not instead of- parent practice.

      1. As someone who lives in a rural-ish area, please make sure you are familiar with the area before doing this. Don’t be another one of those parents who uses a 55 mph, hilly, curvy rural route full of slow Amish buggies, surprise deer, blind intersections, school bus stops just over the crest of the hill, etc., to let their wet-behind-the-ears kid hit the road for the first time.

        The chances of killing a pedestrian or causing serious injury to yourself or other vehicle occupants (either in your own vehicle or another) increase tremendously with the higher speeds on these rural roads.

    13. Hi, I was your kid. I passed my drivers test then went to college in NYC and didn’t drive again until after I graduated and went back to the burbs. I wasn’t a truly proficient driver for years as I was terrified of highways/driving at speed (oddly I’m fine with city driving?). It’s a ‘the only way out is through’ situation. My dad dragged me to practice every weekend for hours and made me drive him to/from work in the summer on days off from my job. The best thing my dad ever told me was ‘there is no stop watch and you’re allowed to go slow and take your time when you’re parking’ – I was trying to park like I was being judged on how fast I could do it, which made me nervous, which made me worse. Big open parking lots to practice parking in and just lots and lots of practice were the best things for it.

    14. +1000 to practice is key. I took drivers ed and the drivers ed lessons, but my mom actually taught me to drive through all the hours in the car with her. Has the kid become the driver when they’re in the car? That’s what happened when I was growing up – as long as it wasn’t “tricky” driving, the new driver became the driver as soon as they got their permit whenever they were in the car.

      Another idea, especially if you live in an area where it’s short drives all the time – go on a road trip and the kid drives. When I was almost 16 and had a drivers permit, my mom took me and my younger sisters on a cross country road trip to see family (midwest to western state and back again); she and I were the drivers. Hello stick shift driving on mountain roads. LOL. I became a hugely confident driver based on that alone.

      1. I don’t know that a learner’s permit from one state is valid for driving in all states. Maybe someone else knows the answer to this.

          1. That is not true. Some recognize other states’ permits (Colorado), some states allow you to exchange permits without retaking the test, and some tell you to pound sand (i.e. Arizona). It’s state law.

    15. You know, I can absolutely appreciate how COVID and screens and COVID screens have messed with the mental health of everybody on the planet, but I really think it’s to the detriment of the teens and young adults affected by it that all the adults in their lives keep harping on it, blaming things on it, and assuming it’s a nebulous problem about which nothing can be done except shrugging and muttering something about kids these days. But I think this hits personally for me because I see my parents doing it to my sister, and it’s keeping her from getting out from under their sheltering wings. So I don’t mean to imply you’re guilty of this, OP, but I did want to say something.

      Rant aside, lots of practice, and maybe recognizing that not everyone is going to be a great driver. I got my license within six months of graduating high school, which meant it almost immediately started to collect dust since I didn’t have a car on campus (and then studied abroad), and it took me until I was out of college to really be a confident driver. Life is long and there is time.

      1. +1 million. It’s not helpful to anyone. Just move along and continue teaching life skills.

      2. Yeah unless she actually has brain damage from COVID, the fact that a pandemic happened is probably not that big a factor here.

        I think some uses of screens are actually good driving prep (like video games that are basically simulations).

      3. In our city, COVID backed up the behind-the-wheel part of drivers’ ed by years, so many teens left for college who couldn’t get a permit b/c that took 6 hours of behind-the-wheel driving with a teacher to be eligible to take the test for a permit. OTOH, once you are 18, you can just get a permit, so the oldest high school kids could do that and just start driving with a parent but if you were younger, you often turned 18 after HS graduation. It’s just a mess. I think it’s better now, but last year you had to pounce the day your kid was 14.5 to get them signed up. It was worse than little kid summer camp.

      4. It’s a balance. On the one hand, it’s not helpful to constantly talk about how terrible it was for kids. My 12 year old nephew sometimes says “Covid ruined me” and it drives me crazy because it is so fatalistic and doesn’t reflect any of his resilience and strength. BUT on the other hand, Covid shutdowns and zoom school were absolutely terrible for kids. Even if you assume that lockdowns were the right thing to do, I don’t think there can be any doubt that they had devastating consequences on kids. And the consequences were worse at certain ages, and some of them are still being felt. It’s important to acknowledge that cost even while avoiding the trap of blaming everything on Covid.

        1. But to this point, I think “devastating” is a little much. Yes, on a micro level something like a parent dying, or becoming homeless because your family had no income, is devastating. But broadly, kids were not “devastated”. Having to go virtual in high school and missing prom and other events is very sad and those kids deserve sympathy, but that is not devastating. And current driving 16yos would have been 12-13, and have been having normal life again the last 2ish school years.

          People love to toss out the “kids are resilient” line when a parent makes a hard decision for the family. I don’t always agree with it. But if a parent sets a strong, confident tone and encourages those kids to get outside their comfort zone, kids can be resilient recovering from this pandemic.

    16. What are they having trouble with? I really struggled learning how to drive because I felt like I couldn’t tell where the car was. I especially had trouble with parking and merging, but even knowing where I was in the lane was hard for me. I eventually passed my test, and got better with practice, but was never a very confident driver. I eventually found out that I have binocular vision problems and my depth perception is terrible, which explains why I have so much trouble with the parts of driving where it matters most. I do drive now, but only in situations that feel safe and parking is easy (you’re not required to have binocular vision to drive- people with one eye are allowed). So sometimes there is a real reason kids have trouble learning, but even then, they’ll get better with practice and they should definitely at least get their license, because in the vast majority of the US, it’s extremely limiting to not be able to drive!

    17. interestingly my mom will tell you my youngest sister was the hardest one to get driving, but when we point out that she was also the only one who got my mom’s undivided attention during that phase a light bulb seems to have gone off. The rest of us learned to drive by ferrying around the family and my mom had other kids to distract her. My sister got full on mom attention to every step of her driving and we were all worried they wouldn’t both survive it. I say this to say, I think your stress is rubbing off on her and echo maybe find some other adults to practice with her that are less stressed about it? My mom was also not allowed to be the driving test parent. Too much anxious energy that impacted everyone.

    18. I agree with a lot of the other advice, but also want to offer that she may just not like driving. I do not like to drive. I did not like driving as a teenager. I did it as little as possible. I almost always got a ride with my friends/boyfriend, walked, or rode my bike. I drove enough to master the basic skills and that was it. This remains true today, and I live in a city and drive the bare minimum amount to keep my skills intact. I am and have always been a cautious driver as a result and I think that’s ok.

      I’m sharing this because I think you need to lower your expectations of her desire to drive – she needs to be able to get from place A to place B safely, but she may never like driving and may not want to do it all the time, and that’s ok.

    19. Among my daughter’s friends fear seems to be a much bigger thing than it was for kids of my generation. They are all terrified that they are going to crash and hurt someone, which is reasonable but paralyzes them so they are actually less safe than they’d otherwise be. It has taken all of them a lot of practice to get over the fear.

    20. I didn’t master driving until my late 20s and a huge reason was my mom’s anxiety meant I didn’t have enough practice time. Just have your teen start driving everywhere that you are both in the car now that they have their permit.

    21. I taught a friend to drive, after she never learned as a teen. You just have to knuckle down and let them drive you around. If you think anxiety is a contributing factor, maybe work on treating that. Just make sure you’re not the one contributing to it even though teaching someone else to drive can be nerve-wracking.

    22. Are you the same person who has been posting for years about your child who is having trouble with math and is never going to get into flagship state U etc etc?

      1. All of these anxiety-anxiety-anxiety all the time posts seem to coming from the same person, don’t they?

    23. In my observation when a kid has trouble learning to drive 99% of the time the issue is a parent who is either too anxious or too domineering during driving practice.

    24. Lots of practice. DS drove to school every day (with me sitting in the passenger seat) when he had his permit. It was a PITA at the time because my work place was in the complete opposite direction but he needed the experience. It added 30+ minutes to my morning commute but the skills he gained were worth it: driving in rush hour, driving through a more urban area than where we lived (jaywalkers, cars running lights, etc.). I felt very comfortable with him driving when he ultimately passed his road test.

    25. Empty parking lots and country roads are good places to practice.

      My generation also booked our first drivers tests in small towns within our county that tended to have less traffic and less complicated intersections (or whatever was challenging). Smaller towns DMV were known for easier to pass driving exams. (Not sure if they still are).

  9. I managed to crack the face of my three-year-old Fitbit Versa this morning during a moment of klutziness. Its battery life isn’t great anymore, so I wouldn’t feel terrible about replacing it. I’ve always been a Fitbit devotee, but I’ve heard complaints about the more recent models? Guess I’m wondering whether it’s time to upgrade to an Apple watch or stick with the Fitbit. The last time I was making this decision, I still preferred the Fitbit interface to Apple’s. I use it for running and as more than a step counter, so just trying to figure out my best option at this point. I have reached the point where I think I’d actually use Apple Pay on my watch. My current Fitbit has that option (sort of) but it doesn’t work nearly as well as my DH’s Apple watch.

    1. I have an Apple Watch. I am wearing it at the advice of my cardiologist due to issues …

      I wish it were smaller but I am used to it at this point. It does what it says it’s supposed to do and has been reliable. I like the sleep tracking, the calendar reminders and notifications from my phone, and the exercise tracking of course. I’m getting good info about my heart (heartbeat ranges by hour) and blood oxygen. It’s actually kind of amazing to me.

      The handiest thing is that I don’t necessarily have to have my iPhone on me when I’m going on a walk.

      1. I had a fitbit for years but I LOVE my Garmin, and when the screen failed, they replaced it free.

      2. +1 To Garmin. I’ve been a fitbit user for about 3 years and was ready for an upgrade. I just ordered Garmin’s Venu 3. My husband has a Garmin for running and loves it. Once I compared his Garmin interface to my fitbit, it was an easy choice for me.

    3. I am a fitbit devotee as well and converted my dad to one. I have gone through the Fitbit charge 4 and am now on Charge 5. It works great for exercise, heart rate, sleep analysis and so on in addition to the steps.

  10. ISO a jacket similar to a Barbour but without the waxing. Something cute but functional for spring/fall/transitional weather in a dark green or beige tone. Bonus points for removable hood. I like the look of Barbour jackets but I want something slightly cuter/more feminine

    1. Orvis has their own Barbour-like jacket that I’ve had for many years and love. Check also LL Bean and, believe it or not, Old Navy – they’ve had cute utility jackets in the past.

    3. I was looking for the J. Crew perfect utility jacket on Poshmark recently and there were a few!

  11. Has anyone tried Quince hard shell luggage? I need a larger bag than I would normally ever choose to use for a few upcoming trips, so I’m looking for something that will be easy to maneuver and use. I like the look, compression panel, and price, but while it doesn’t have to hold up forever because it won’t get tons of use I also don’t want it to be a piece of junk.

    1. Quince is just a trash brand, IMHO. I’d spend the extra and buy the OG bag they’re knocking off, which is the Away bag.

      1. No experience with the Quince luggage, but re trash brand: I’m returning items today to Quince that I was disappointed in… I think they used to be better. I have an alpaca cardigan from several years ago that I love the material of – thick, soft, held up well. I decided to get the same material/color in the turtleneck sweater this month and it was completely different material; much thinner and scratchy. I don’t recall the cardigan being so scratchy initially. I thought about washing to see if it would get softer but decided the thickness alone was reason to send it back. Def disappointed.

    2. I got a similar Kenneth Cole Reaction on Amazon for half the price (same size case), if that tells you anything. It has good reviews but I haven’t traveled with it yet.

    3. Mine got a crack on its very first flight. Still usable, but I was annoyed and would spend more on better quality luggage. To be fair to Quince, they did refund me quickly when I submitted a report.

    4. Thanks for the feedback all, I’ll buy something else on sale. I love my Away carryon, but it doesn’t make sense for me to spend much on a checked size bag; the last time I needed one was over 10 years ago and I expect to go back to my light-packing roots after these next few trips. It looks like Samsonites has a decent online clearance section though, and that’s probably the move.

      1. I stand by TJ Maxx and the like as the top choice for checked luggage. Cause even the discounted samsonite I bought there was broken on a winter flight, so spending good money on checked luggage is a lesson I have no interest in repeating.

        1. Yup. Bought my only suitcase from Tj Maxx a decade ago for $50. Absolutely no complaints. A little scuffed but holding up well. No need to spend 4x that on luggage.

      2. I’ve recommended TravelPro before and stand by them – have checked their soft-sided luggage on about a dozen trips, some with 4-5 flights involved (so extra ‘handling’) and barely a scuff.

        2. +1 for TravelPro, too. Relatively inexpensive for the quality, so this should fit the OP’s requirements of not too costly, but not junk.

  12. I need help with adjusting my eye to wider-leg silhouettes. I finally found a pair of wide-leg pants that are cute, actually fit me well, and are the perfect length. I’ve tried them on with several types of tops and can admit that they update my look. That said, I can’t get over the fact that my bottom half looks like a Lego character. Just super blocky. I took mirror photos and was mildly horrified at what I saw. I know that the youngs don’t care about flattering, but I guess I still do. I’m 5’8″ for the record, so in theory, the wide leg should work well for me. I loathed skinny jeans for about the first five years of their existence, so I tend to think this is a me problem. Keep the pants, or return?

    2. This might be a situation where your eyes need time to adjust. I am petite and I really had to look around to find wider leg pants that work for me. That said, I find that I’m more comfortable with a straight leg silhouette. There are some straight legs that are on the wider side that might work better for you.

    3. Keep if they fit your waist and hips well.

      Try different shoes to avoid Lego legs, as well as different lenghts. Some wide trousers look best at ankle height.

      1. All of this. The wide pants look best if they start out fitted and flare below the hips. If they look funny, try taking them a bit shorter. Wear with a fitted top that’s waist-length or tucked in to balance the proportions. If you are wearing a jacket or sweater it needs to end at the waist.

    4. Huh, I find it looks so much better because there’s balance between the upper and lower body.

    5. Maybe play with different types of shoes, too?

      I’m shorter than you (5’3”) and have middle-aged middle. I kind of like the wide leg pants. I like shorter ones in the summer with sandals (sometimes I aspire to live in a Sundance catalog). I like to wear longer ones with a heavier shoe or boot. I also prefer if they fit more closely around the hips and thighs and are not super-wide.

      1. +1

        For me, they have to fit well/snug around my butt/hips/upper thigh. I’m close to your height. To my eye, they look best with a bit of a heel/boot.

    6. I’d say keep.

      I have the same issue, except that I’m 5’6” with a long torso, so I feel my eyes need to adjust to my lower half being proportionally wider in straight/wide legs. And it’s strange, because I wore low-rise flared and bootcut styles in the early aughts with tight and short tops, so I have pics of me in that silhouette. Admittedly, that was my body pre-kids and 20 lbs lighter, so maybe it’s that?

    7. Not sure if it would help here, but I’ve found that mirror selfies don’t help me see what an outfit really looks like, so I’ve started putting my phone on something and doing selfie videos where I turn and show all angles, which also shows how the clothes move and fall. Sort of like an influencer video lol. But honestly it helps!

      1. +1 on the videos. That really helps to see how clothes move. And for pictures, use the countdown function and put it down, don’t hold the phone.

    8. What length are the pants and what shoes are you wearing them with? I feel best in cropped wide legs worn with sandals. The shape mimics the most flattering skirt silhouette on me (a long a-line), and the bare ankles/feet show that I’m not one solid block from waist down. I feel blockiest/clunkiest in full-length wide legs worn with closed-toe shoes (sneakers, boots, oxfords, etc.)

      And yes, you need to give your eye time to adjust and you also need to decide whether you want to get used to wearing something that isn’t flattering in the way you’ve been used to.

    9. I think trendy wide pants are objectively less flattering than slim cuts. But it helps if the rest of my outfit is sleek. Heeled booties and a fitted top combat the block-leg effect. I still don’t love what I see in the mirror but I know I look current. Chunky flat boots and slouchy sweaters make me feel too wide.

      1. Agreed. I’m short and struggle with how the wide leg pants look on me and so far I’ve just gone with pointy toe flats and a J Crew cashmere tee sized down so it fits closely. It’s not a Wow! look but it suits me fine. Bonus points for days when the shoes are Rothy’s or Birdies, the pants are Eileen Fisher wide leg crepe pants, and I’m as comfortable as if I were wearing pajamas and slippers at work.

    10. I would return them and try a different style.
      For me, I can’t do very wide leg, regardless of its trending status or how the jeans fit me, so I stick with boot cuts and straight legs.

    11. OP here. I think they’d look great with a chunky heel but so far I’ve only tried them with sneakers. The hem hits the top of my foot. I have tried the cropped wide legs and that is just something I cannot do. I have thick thighs and narrow ankles, and the whole look is just wrong.

      The pants fit great through the hips and thighs, which is a rare event for me. So I feel like I could or should be able to make them work. I’m just having hard time getting past the Lego person effect.

      1. It took me a bit to get used to wearing fuller leg bottoms with sneakers. Wasn’t sure at first but now I like them. I agree with using a video rather than a mirror selfie to assess. As others have said, it really helps to keep the top part lean. Also check out Wardrobe Oxygen’s IG and/or blog. She’s short full figured woman and she rocks wide leg jeans and pants.

      2. Maybe also reframe your thinking – instead of LEGO person, you are a fabulous diva from the 1970s! I’ve been watching some documentaries about the 1970s and although the silhouette isn’t exactly the same, it has made me see that wider pants can look quite cool, and also gives some ideas for shoes and tops.

        Of course, you could also look to modern time influencers, I suppose.

        1. Agreed with finding new inspiration! I’ve been combing through photos of 90s actors such as Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow, Neve Campbell.

    12. Get a different pair in a different silhouette. Not all wide-leg pants are the same. I prefer pairs that are a little more fitted in the the thigh.

    13. All your points about the pants needing to fit snugly around the waist and hips just pointed out to me why they don’t work for me. I’m tall so that ought to be good. But I am really not comfortable with my mama belly being highlighted by form fitting clothing. Straight legs 4 lyfe.

    14. I’m having issues with this too. It might help to imagine someone you know who isn’t young or model thin but always looks put together. That woman is totally rocking select parts of the current fashions. Typically they have something going on (current fashions or attention to hair/makeup or good accessorizing) that you notice and appreciate. I’m trying to get used to not having my previous body after a couple of kids (and work from home snacks/lack of sleep/happy to be unmotivated). I might be conscious of the change, but I’d be happy to look like one of the put together women I know who aren’t a model-like, mid 20’s woman.

      1. I don’t know anyone IRL who rocks the current fashions. I’m worried this is a bit of an “emporer’s new clothes” moment where we’re all just unwilling to admit the current fashions are a bad idea and it’s making us all look stupid.

        2. Eyeroll.

          I see lots of women (in their 40s even) who look current and great and who are rocking certain very “in” styles.

          Do yall not remember all the pearl clutching over skinny jeans and leggings and how they’d never look good on anyone but young size zeroes??

        3. Nah, I’m too old to be unwilling to admit a current fashion is bad and makes me look stupid. I’ve already lived that life phase once and that was enough for me.

          1. Any ideas for styling without wearing boots/booties or heels of any kind? Cannot wear heels or boots (even flat ones), but I’m not crazy about the look of sneakers with the wider legs.

          2. Platform sneakers or flatform sandals. Clogs. Big buckle Birks if the pants are cropped. Anything chunky to match the scale of the pants.

  13. Someone who was on an adjacent-but-related team and was very unhappy with his role (ready to quit) has been transferred to my team. He’ll be taking a few weeks off and then join. Has anyone managed a situation like this – any advice? He likes the work we do better and was missing a few things management/team-wise that our team will be able to provide so I’m all for this move, but I also want to be aware of the risk of old frustrations bleeding over.

    Also, I was thinking of work-style questions to ask him when he joins – anything I left out?
    – What is your preferred communication style? Do you prefer written docs or verbal (Zoom meeting)?
    – There are some new skills he has to learn. Would he prefer videos? Reading through documentation? A course?

    1. You’re his manager? Tell him how your team communicates and what your expectations are.

      1. I mean, there’s room for both. Obviously there are a lot of norms and practices he’ll have to learn but as a manager, there is room for me to manage people as suits them best.

    2. Many internal moves like you describe are to get away from a toxic boss or coworker. Chances are slim old frustrations will bleed over. I would just try to set clear expectations, keep communication open, and try to address challenges as they come. In my experience, cultures where an employee “muddies the water” with negativity tend to be when things are not getting addressed as they need to be or communication isn’t happening like it needs to be–venting is often a toxic response to feelings of powerlessness. Demonstrating accountability, shutting down blame pointing, keeping an eye on workload distribution across a team, and keeping communication open can go a long way to keeping folks engaged and motivated.

  15. Looking for a pair of boot cut (or flare, but relatively narrow) jeans that come in a curvy cut and petite sizes with a thicker, more durable jeans fabric (some stretch is OK, but I don’t like the quite think very stretchy stuff) and some sort of control top features. I suspect the Madewell perfect vintage flare with their Magic Pockets would have been perfect, but I discovered it when they were almost all out of stock and they seem to be gone now (also not sure they ever came in petites). Any recommendations?

    1. Abercrombie Curve Love. I don’t think they have the shaping feature. These are available in different lengths. Look for the colors where the fabric is 99% cotton.

  16. Does anyone here suffer from gastritis? Having an episode or something, would love to hear if anyone knows more. I’m trying to eat high fiber healthy today and hydrate with electrolytes + lots of water even though I want to curl into a ball.

    1. Heating pad and Pepcid until you feel better. Yes to the hydration. The heating pad really does help a lot.

      My husband has had gastritis caused by taking ibuprofen / NSAIDs. He can’t take those at all anymore. Tylenol only now. In case you’re taking any of those, stop.

    2. I mean, what kind of gastritis? (H. pylori or another infection? Parietal cell antibodies or another autoimmune condition? Medication side effect? High stomach acid or low?) I’d want to know what was actually wrong.

      1. How do you find a doctor who looks into the cause of gastritis? I have chronic gastritis and neither my GI nor my two PCPs are focused on the cause; they just treat my symptoms with medication. It’s really frustrating

        1. I usually use Medifind if I don’t know anyone who can recommend a good doctor. A lot of specialists either only really deal in common issues (e.g. GERD) or have subspecialties they focus on (e.g. dysmotility), so I appreciate getting some idea of what conditions a specialist actually has a lot of experience with.

          I don’t know if your team already tested for everything it could be and gave up, or if they haven’t really done much testing yet. But you should be able to see what tests they did and didn’t do and ask about remaining possibilities or uncertainties.

    3. Do NOT eat high fiber when suffering from gastritis. You want things that are easy on our system. The BRAT diet is good. Also you mentioned hydrating with electrolytes which is good. If you are using sports drinks for this, it is better to use the powders or just make homemade oral rehyrdation solution.

      1. So I did the brat diet during my last flare up and it lasted 3 weeks… I started eating normally after seeing Gastro and it was gone within a day or two.

        1. Gastritis is a catch all term really–I was thinking the acute versions that have sent me to the hospital not one that lasts 3 weeks (ouch!). I would still try to have easier to digest and break down foods but there is so much variety in systems.

    4. I do. Here’s what works for me: never, ever have coffee first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Avoid kombucha on an empty stomach. I also have to avoid things like too many tomatoes and spicy foods in one sitting. When it flares up I mostly avoid eating, other than eating the bare minimum you need to stay alive. I can generally avoid it though by not eating trigger foods.

    5. Have you had an upper endoscopy? What sort of blood tests have they done?
      Do you have a gastroenterologist that is responsive/believes you?
      Do you need a 2nd opinion from a GI that specializes in the stomach?

      Have you already tried going systematically through possible triggers, especially food triggers via some sort of elimination diet to see if that has an effect?

      What does your GI tell you to do now, for daily prevention of symptoms, and if you have a flare?

    6. Am in the same boat, and have a family history of stomach cancer and related cancers. I read that some of this can be genetic as well. Here is what has worked for me:
      1. Taking Pepcid when it feels like your upper stomach area that hurts (for acid reflux).
      2. Taking omeprazole for 1 month after repeated acid reflux episodes.
      3. Not sleeping flat after eating a meal.
      4. Cutting out all cold or raw food such as salads or sushi. Always heat up any food you eat so it’s warm. In Eastern Medicine, cold food is often the key cause for indigestion.
      5. Stop snacking in between meals.
      6. Religiously stick to the exact same time for each meal. Always eat breakfast around 8am (even if I don’t have time to make breakfast, I’ll buy a snack to eat then), 12pm, and 5pm.
      7. When having an operation such as wisdom teeth removal, where I have to take pain killers, either take Tylenol, or take Advil with Pepcid.
      8. Mood really matters. I find that I tend to get gastritis when I’m stressed out or angry or in a bad mood. Do whatever you can to relieve stress. This is also a well recognized cause for stomach issues in Eastern Medicine.
      9. Stop eating when about 75% full.

      Hope this helps! I’m also looking for a good gastroenterologist. It feels really hard to find a good one.

  17. Help needed finding place to pump in NYC! I go into the city for client meetings in restaurants, coffee shops, etc. So far I’ve only had short days so I can stretch time between pumps and use the Mamava pod at Penn Station on my way in/out of the city. Where can I pump between 3-4:30 pm between meetings in midtown East? I feel like even bathrooms are in such short supply.

      1. Agreed. Any nice hotel that has a lobby bar/restaurant also has nice bathrooms off the lobby.

    3. Do your clients have office buildings? One of my coworkers use to pump at client sites.

  18. Any creative ideas on working less in the summers to be with my kids more? I already took a huge step back 5+ years ago to work for 25 hours a week and its been working really well for me and for them. However, i’d like to work less in June and July or ideally memorial day to labor day. Should I offer to take a paycut and only do the most essential work in evenings etc. as necessary and bill hourly or what would work best for the firm and for me? I know this is a very difficult ask to execute well, but people also told me part time does not work, so please only respond if you have done something similar or have any creative ideas / things I should think through. Thank you!

    1. It depends on your industry and job, but in my experience women ask for permission for this kind of thing, and men just do it. I’d start by coordinating WFH days with days you don’t have lots of meetings or pressing deadlines, and doing fun stuff with your kids on those days.

      I would NOT offer to take a pay cut unless you’re sure the time off will be fully respected.

    2. It sounds like you want to not work except in the evenings in the summer and be with your kids all day? That seems very unusual and I don’t think is something people really do, unless they work for themselves.

      I do spend significantly less time working in the summers but 1) I’m in higher ed so things are slower all around, 2) I use the majority of my vacation time in the summers so I typically have 3-4 weeks fully off, 3) I work full time from home so no one is keeping tabs on my physical whereabouts and 4) I have at least 30 hours a week of childcare, I just try to end my days early. Cutting back from 40 to 30 hours is going to be less noticeable than cutting back from 25 to 15 or less. Also it sounds like you’re on the billable hour, which complicates things further.

    3. what is your line of work? I can’t picture doing legal work mostly in the evenings but maybe you have a really niche & individual practice with limited need for meetings or client contact?

      1. Not the OP, but I do patent law. I sometimes go over a week without a meeting. Half my work gets done in the evenings.

    5. How old are your kids? Mine are in elem and I work about 20 hours/week in the summer. My suggestion would be to do full days T/W/Th and take Mondays and Fridays off. But I’m not sure what kind of “more time with the kids” you want. You could work full time in June, then take July off. Or plan family vacations where you work remotely. We go to the OBX for 3 weeks. I take two weeks of PTO, DH takes two weeks of PTO and so we have one week where we are both off and two more weeks with one parent working from the deck.

      Or switch jobs to one with summers off, or that offers summer fridays. DH’s old job had a flex option where you could work 4 10 hour days and take fridays off in the summer.

      1. I know several people who do something similar. Camp in a vacation location is also a good option if you want to minimize how much PTO you use. We go to Maine for a month and do 1 week of vacation and 3 weeks of camp. The camp is only 9-3 and with the long summer days there we can fit a lot into the late afternoons and evenings.

        1. this is also a know your kid thing. we did camp in a vacation location last summer and one of my kids hated it and it was a disaster. going to camp while mommy and daddy were available did not work for my kid

          1. Probably also job dependent? I WFH full time, so my kid is used to having me be physically present but not available and doesn’t equate the two. But yes, won’t work for everyone but has worked great for our family and has been an amazing way to spend extended time in a place we love without burning all our PTO.

    6. How much more part-time do you want to be? I think that would influence my answer. I burn a ton of vacation time during the summer for non-vacation-y things. For some reason that feels more acceptable in my workplace than reducing my FTE.

    7. This is confusing. Are you saying you still only work 25 hours a week, you are hearing that part time doesn’t cut it, and you want to know how to lean out even more?

  19. Last week work switched us to the new Outlook and so far I hate it so much. Has anyone else made the switch and likes it or has suggestions on how to use it properly that might not be immediately obvious to a long-time user of old Outlook?

    1. First thing I did was turn off “Focused inbox.” Other than that, I’ve kind of forgotten what’s old vs new–what in particular do you hate about it and I might have ideas.

      1. I would do this but as a partner in a small law firm, I am targeted by sooo many salespeople on a daily basis, plus on several listservs for orgs, plus educational and news materials that seem to arrive daily, and I appreciate not having to slog through that stuff as it arrives. But I do have to search it regularly because important mail gets misdirected constantly and even if I fix it, it seems to go back to the wrong box when there is an update of any kind.

      2. Are you really stuck with it? I keep selecting to switch back to Legacy outlook every time I get switched. The thing I really hate is that New Outlook won’t tell you the total number of emails in your inbox—only the number of unread ones.

        1. It will tell you that, but you have to select that option. The default is number of unread.

    4. I love the focused inbox, you just have to train it. I put all new, departmental announcements, etc, in there and then look at it 1x a day when I’m tired.

  20. If you hadn’t been able to leave the US for 8 years due to waiting for immigration and could finally leave the country where would you go and why? Or what has your favorite vacation been and where did you go and what did you do? I’m so excited but since this process has taken so long I don’t even know where to begin and feel pretty overwhelmed so I appreciate your recommendations/suggestions. TIA!

    1. congratulations! Do you have a sense of whether you would like to be in a city, go hiking, climate, etc? or time of year? that will also help people give suggestions.

      1. I have been visiting the national parks in the interim so hiking is low on the list.

    2. Iceland is small and well-touristed enough that planning won’t be overwhelming, but feels like an entirely different world from almost anywhere on the planet. If I just wanted to get the thrill of leaving the country and seeing something new, I’d go there. Or pick a European city you’ve always wanted to see and spend a few days wandering.

      For a bigger trip that combines those two vibes, I’d go to Argentina. The food is delicious (the ice cream alone!), and the exchange rate is very favorable. You could spend a few days in Buenos Aires and then fly down to Patagonia and immerse yourself in nature there.

      Congratulations on making it through the immigration process to the point that you can travel again! That must be a huge relief.

    3. I have been hiking the US national parks in the interim so hiking is less of a priority.

    4. What countries have been your favorites so far? Is this for solo travel, with a spouse, with friends, with kids?

      It was obviously a much shorter moratorium on travel but post pandemic I wanted to go to Italy more than anything. We went to Florence and Tuscany in spring 2022 after not leaving the country for 2.5 years, and it did not disappoint. One of my favorite trips ever. Other “life highlight” trips: Bora Bora, Greece, Turkey, Seville and the Algarve regional of Portugal, Switzerland, Morocco, Australia, New Zealand, Japan.

      High on my bucket list: South Africa (going next year), Galapagos, Maldives, Greenland, Svalbard, Patagonia

      Iceland is overrated imo. But it’s definitely popular.

    6. I like to visit cities, and the city I’d most like to go back to is Naples. It’s very easy to combine a trip to Naples with other sight seeing in Italy, but you probably know if Italy is on your list or not!

    8. +1 to Iceland. It feels so otherworldly – very memorable trip, relatively cheap, and easy to access from the East Coast. And congrats!! Random tip, if you’ve ever overstayed, expect to be directed to secondary inspection at your first POE in the US. Totally routine, don’t panic, but make sure to factor a few extra hours into your layover if your final destination isn’t your first stop in the US.

    9. I would go home to visit family.

      8 years is such a long time to be unable to leave the U.S. and it’s disgraceful the system operates as it does. I was very fortunate I was able to activate my greencard.

      After visiting family id go up to Canada, visiting Montreal and then head to Whistler on the next trip.

    10. Go to Tokyo! The US dollar-Japanese yen exchange rate is excellent right now, so once you arrive, costs will be more reasonable than they would have been a couple of years ago. Enjoy!

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