Weekend Open Thread

159 Comments

1. i asked a bit late on the morning thread, so repeating here — if you associate certain brands with certain personalities, what are they? like farm rio — is it like lily pulitzer and belongs to the rich-white-lady-golfing crowd or is it a different younger/hipper person? what about sue sartor and hill house? faherty? madewell? sezanne? kate spade, tory burch?

   1. I associate Farm Rio with NYC moms who wouldn’t wear LP except that it’s kind of like LP for a slightly “edgier” demo (very purposeful use of air quotes there).

   2. I think people who wear a ton of Anthropologie want the look of artsy independent designers and like the idea of hunting for one-of-a-kind pieces but are actually incredibly uncreative and even afraid to try specialty boutiques, stores in different neighborhoods, or anything without a specific recommendation from a friend and at least a thousand 4 star reviews. They’re very conflicted but like to appear happy and carefree

      1. Or they live in places where the only independent “boutiques” just sell cheap polyester dresses, snarky dish towels, and “live laugh love” signs.

         1. This. I would sooner throw a dart into J Jill and buy whatever it landed on than wear what’s in the “cute independent boutiques” anywhere within a 50 mile radius.

            1. Same except make it 250 miles!

   3. I just checked out the Sezanne clothes and they are gorgeous. More practical and nicer than Anthro. Would have been perfect for when I went into an office every day.

   4. I think most people don’t think that much about other people’s clothing, and the kind of people who are judging a person based on brands are saying more about their personality than the person wearing the brand. But also I wear a lot of Farm Rio because my best friend is Brazilian and the clothes are a lot cheaper to buy there, so I’m pretty tickled to hear its got rich lady vibes in the US now.

      1. Agreed.
         I’m probably biased though, because I’m just not that into brands, and could never identify anything random people are wearing as belonging to any brand unless there are words on it telling me so.

   5. I associate Kate Spade with being kind of stressed out.

2. Is anyone else struggling with colleagues who are not meeting a really low bar for workplace basics, like proofreading documents before passing them to a supervisor for review or meeting deadlines? This has been a huge issue for us lately and I’m not sure what to do about it. We’ve coached, sent documents back, named specific areas to work on in performance reviews, given examples and demos, and it’s like it all bounces off. After all that coaching, this is the level of improvement we’ll see:

   First pass at a sentence: “And therefore, the three hospitals programs were there biggest contribution to the state anti-smoking effort having an impact on many women.”
   Second pass after promising proofreading is complete: “And therefore, the three hospital’s programs were their biggest contribution to the state anti-smoking effort, having an impact on many women.”
   What it should have said: “The three hospitals’ anti-smoking programs supported the statewide effort and had a significant impact on many local women.”

   I can’t tell you how crazy-making it is to see people not improve, ever. I cannot imagine firing someone over this but maybe it needs to be on the table. We already require a short writing assignment at the interviewing stage and most of our employees graduated from top colleges. Help?

   1. My boss threatened to write me up for discrimination when I raised these kind of writing issues during a recruitment process.

      1. That’s insane. On the level of no algebra for 8th graders.

      2. Wow, how deeply offensive that he said that. Speaking of soft bigotry of low expectations…

   2. I mean you can fire someone for any reason, as long as it’s not related to a protected category. Is writing one of their core duties?

   3. Can you request that they send their writing through Grammarly (or ask Google Gemini to provide an edit)? That may not fix all the structural problems, but it will help with some and easily catch their/their confusion, misplaced modifiers, opportunities to be more concise, and such. The more they start to see their errors, the better they will start getting without using the tools. I think what’s more concerning than the bad writing with the sample is that it changes the meaning. In the first and second passes, the writer is saying the program had the biggest impact, while the third says something quite different. That’s where I would be focusing my coaching.

   4. Ugh…. I am not in your job, fortunately, yet I feel your frustration. Unfortunately, writing clearly is a real skill that needed to be learned years ago. It doesn’t come quickly.

   5. Is it:
      – Mostly proofreading
      – Mostly writing quality/clarity
      – Overall general professional skills

      The example seems like mostly 2, so assuming these are people whose work you oversee, some ideas:
      – Give them some well written examples and go through what’s working
      – Have them trade write-ups with other junior staff and test the clarity/readability the way the person receiving it needs it (don’t have them just “edit” each other’s work, have them literally skim the paper for 5 minutes, put it away, then get back together in a hour and pretend they’re summarizing the main points and answering questions on it in a meeting, or whatever the person receiving these write-ups actually does)
      – I have strategically offered to permanently lend a copy of Steven Pinker’s “Sense of Style” to folks :)
      – Go through the version they’re sending line by line and correct it together

      1. Not the OP but the errors I see should, I think, be caught with basic proofreading or slow / careful reading of instructions or materials. It’s not like there is an error in one cell of a spreadsheet that throws off everything. It’s like you were doing this while doing something else and just weren’t dialed in. It reminds me of the article of people remote-working two jobs simultaneously.

         One local office offender also asked why we didn’t pay what Cravath does. Like fundamental cluelessness that I don’t think is fixable because they won’t pay attention in the camera-off zoom where you’re trying to give them feedback.

   6. I work with grad students and have seen this a hundred times. Asking for proofreading will not fix this. The sentence is actually grammatical, it is just confusing. The confusion comes because of the sentence structure, which is not easily caught by proofreading. I sometimes tell students the problem is that they “write like they are speaking” rather than writing with simplicity for the reader in mind. People with this problem can learn a few simple principles, including choosing the right noun, the right verb, and the right sentence flow to make writing easier to read. To teach the principles, I like to assign some readings from George Gopen in an old ABA magazine. You can find them by searching George Gopen litigation articles.

      1. It’s both ungrammatical and confusing.

      2. No, those were semiliterate sentences (not understanding the mechanics of the possessive apostrophe or pluralization is grammatically incorrect; we could debate the awkward dangly participle that no one would use in speech).

         1. Don’t forget the “there.”

            1. You are correct- I skimmed past the really bad first version. But that is not the crux of what the OP wants changed. Proofreading doesn’t take care of the underlying problem of clarity.

            2. I’m OP and I want clear, coherent, grammatical sentences that say what they’re supposed to say. This shouldn’t be a “pick one” situation – not that the people I’m working with can even make it to one.

   7. In my office, we started by saying nothing should leave your hands without being put through a grammar check program. If that does not work, we sign people up for a seminar.

      We fired someone who was just refusing to learn (like spelling and grammatical errors that would have been caught if they had used the provided programs). And it was amazing how quickly everyone else improved thereafter. At some point, there need to be consequences for blowing off an essential function of your job.

   8. Tell them to run the document through “read aloud” on word. It’s a good way to catch typos or things that don’t really make sense. Of course, this only helps if, upon hearing that sentence out loud, they realize it’s confusing, but if I heard that out loud, I would think “what did I just write”?

      1. The problem is that we have tried EVERYTHING – read aloud, Grammarly, one-on-one tutoring, everything. It’s like every piece of feedback bounces off and doesn’t stick even for one day. People clearly don’t even realize what they’re doing wrong because they’ll promise “it’s all set and I read it carefully” and then it will be the biggest piece of hot garbage you ever saw. I really don’t know what else to do.

         1. (1) when you receive something that is an absolute mess, run it through Grammarly and spellcheck, to find all the errors.
            (2) Return it to the offending party and tell them to run it through Grammarly and spellcheck, and fix the mistakes.
            (3). Assuming they actually do it, and you get a marginally improved work product, tell them you do not have time to keep correcting them on things that they have been told multiple times they need to do themselves. Tell them that this is their last warning and the next time they send you something that has not been run through Grammarly and spellcheck, their employment will be terminated.
            (4). The next time they do it, fire them. At some point, you have to expect people to do their jobs and follow clear instructions that are given to them.

            1. I can read the Glassdoor reviews now. And just see how that pans out when you’re in front of HR.

            2. Actually this is exactly what we did. HR was thrilled because they no longer had to deal with constant complaints from people who were being forced to pick up the slack from someone who refused to do their job. We are a law firm and senior associates and junior partners get tired of doing non-billable proofreading pretty fast. And frankly my HR department is not afraid to fire people (especially lawyers – staff is more delicate.)

               I am not trying to be cruel. I am happy to work with people and teach them. But at some point ignoring repeated requests (verbal and in writing) to run things through spellcheck and a provided grammar check and double check case cites before passing a document along to other people is going to be considered flat out refusal to do your job.

         2. Is it one person? Tried everything and nothing sticks = make it very clear their job is at risk if they can’t get this under control, and start the pip process/whatever you have to do to fire them

            But if it’s /none/ of the new hires can do XYZ, that’s usually means you “aren’t paying enough” – are you losing stronger candidates over salary (or benefits/policies/rto/reputation)? You mentioned they are mostly top college graduates so I’m assuming you’re paying enough, but another form of the same problem is your company maybe has an unreal expectation of how much coaching and review time new grads actually need. There’s a big difference between time I expect to spend on a fresh out of school hire vs 2 years of experience hire, but those can easily get lumped into “early career”

         3. At that point, you fire them (assuming this is a job where the pay reflects an assumption they have a college degree).

   9. My son was only taught how to write a five paragraph essay in school. He never had anyone, other than me, truly critique his writing until he took a basic American History class in college. I was so proud of the “C” he earned in that class. He is about to graduate with a master’s degree in engineering but he still struggles with writing.

      This is the result of teachers forced to focus on test scores for many years now. If you want to push back, google United Opt Out.

      1. Why has essay writing / research papers etc.. declined so much in school? Too easy to cheat? Takes too long to read/critique?

         1. Too hard to quantify for tests and school grades. They have resorted to practicing the five paragraph essary to the exclusion of learning business writing, now mostly by email, or learning how to read a source and summarize it or to write a critical review. My son was assigned mostly exerpts of literature in lieu of reading the classics and he was in honors classes!

            1. This. It’s also been going on long enough that there are teachers who may have never really learned this in school themselves.

   10. If this is a typo issue, I’d ask you to dig down on whether it is carelessness or that the person just does not register the typos. I say this as someone who had kind mentors and good assistants over the years recognize that it was not that I am careless, but rather that minor typos just do not register for me (we could argue this is ADHD) – unless I went to quite inefficient lengths to proof my own work. There are backstops that can be put in place with a good assistant proof reading stuff that is otherwise good work product. Also, as I got more senior, my ideas mattered more than minor typos.

       1. It’s on the person who knows they make careless typos to find solutions, though. Maybe that’s ChatGPT, maybe that’s trading tasks with a colleague, but turning in sloppy work when it’s supposed to be a final draft isn’t cool – especially if it’s every time.

   11. I recently had to hire a writing coach for a problem employee; writing was a core part of his job description and everything he did was not workable even after our internal editing team worked on it.

       The writing coach was an insurance policy; he was later let go but it was important that I checked the box of trying this. (There was of
       Course other context).

       But I wonder if this is an option?

       1. Where/how did you find a writing coach? I have an employee I hired primarily to produce content, and his writing is so poor that I spend evenings and weekends rewriting what he submits to me. I want to give him a chance but I don’t have time to go through every sentence of his writing and provide feedback. A writing coach might help, or at least show that we tried to help him before letting him go.

          1. I knew some general communications consultants in my field and reached out to see – they put together a great plan of assignments, talking through the editing process, etc. it was very field-specific so this coach had a substantive knowledge too which was helpful.

          2. Why are you hiring people who cannot write for positions that require writing skills?

   12. One fundamental rule should be “no use of the verb to be.” Another should be “no use of the passive voice” –basic English composition rules drummed in to us in eighth grade.

       1. Both of these are nonsensical and counterproductive as rules. I can see how they might still help OP’s writer check to see if they made any lazy writing choices though.

       2. As an editor and a linguist, I have to tell you these are not good rules. I’ve edited lawsuits to create rhetorical effect. There are times when the passive voice makes sense–use of active versus passive voice is about highlighting topicality. As an example: “The dog broke the glass.” and “The glass was broken by the dog.” The dog is the topic in the first sentence and the vase is the topic in the second. The context in which these are used is what determines whether active or passive voice is appropriate. Applying a rule that active voice is always the better choice ignores how language is actually used rather than being attentive to what makes sense in a particular situation.

3. Has anyone traveled to the San Juan Islands? We’re thinking about a trip there either this fall or next spring. We’d probably fly into Seattle and rent a car, visit my husband’s family there and see Seattle for a couple of days, and then drive up to the ferry to the islands. My questions are:

   Which island to stay on? I want peaceful, relaxing, orca/wildlife viewing, hiking, good food
   How long to stay on the island?
   Any specific recommendations for places to stay/things to do?

   Thanks!

   1. I stayed on Orcas Island last August for 4 days. It was not crowded at all, and there were mostly families and locals. The food was fresh and outstanding. We feasted on Dungeness crab nearly every day, doing some of the cooking ourselves. Not to be missed was a Michelin-starred bakery (Brown Bear Baking), only open on weekends. I can vouch for it as I sampled nearly everything! Hiking was limited due to wildfires, but there’s supposed to be a good hike gaining enough elevation to see Vancouver Island and Mount Rainier. We also went on a bioluminescence kayaking tour one night. This became the highlight of the trip when a mother seal and her pup started playing under and around our boats. I can’t comment on the Orcas, as we didn’t go on any whale watching trips. Note: if you take the ferry from Anacortes, get your tickets months ahead of time.

   2. I also stayed on Orcas Island a few years ago for about a week and loved it. My spouse and I regularly bring up going back there. We stayed at the Rosario Resort, which was pretty and budget-friendly. We had a spectacular dinner at the Inn at Ship Bay, with plenty of good food elsewhere too. We did some light hiking and sight seeing (cider tasting!) and had a low-key, relaxing trip.

   3. I would recommend flying into Seattle: a few night’s there then the ferry from Port Angeles to Orcas Island for a few nights, then ferry to Vancouver Island for 1 or 2 nights, then a few nights in Vancouver. It is a fabulous trip that combines 2 great cites with different vibes, two different islands with great outdoor fun and awesome food. You can drive back to Seattle and fly home from there if the Vancouver flights don’t work.

   4. I recommend taking a seaplane via Kenmore Air to the SJ islands. It is less than an hour and a super unique experience. You will save most of the day that you would otherwise spend in transit. You can rent a car on the island for your trip.

      Also possible to fly from Boeing Field to San Juan Island in a small plane via Kenmore Air. Takes 37 minutes and feels like you are flying private. Boeing Field is a tiny but very comfortable airport where Gates et al keep their private planes.

   5. We spent 5 days in Orcas in the late fall and loved it! Highly recommend booking one of the Water’s Edge suites at the Outlook Inn.

      The Inn’s restaurant had good food and there are several great places within walking distance.

      We didn’t island hop as we were looking for a low key, relaxing time. If we were to go back for a similar duration, then we’d likely throw in a visit to San Juan Island.

      We love hiking and did a few trails on Turtleback Mountain (south trail has great views) and Moran State Park and drove to the summit of Mt. Constitution.

4. I have a pinched nerve in my neck that affects my neck, back and tingles down my arm. My doctor put me on a round of a steroid and muscle relaxer, and that helped some. I’ve been going to the chiropractor regularly, which is also helping, but progress is slow. I’m continuing to follow up with PCP. Any tips for other things I could do in the interim would be helpful.

   1. wouldn’t an ice pack or something like Icee Hot help?

   2. Moist heat type heating pad

   3. Why not physical therapy? Did you try that before the steroids, I hope? Steroids (oral or an injection?) is a big deal. Have you seen a neurologist or physiatrist? I wouldn’t trust a PCP or a chiropractor to be managing this, once nerves are involved. Not sure if you have had an MRI of your neck or nerve test (nerve conduction study) to confirm with this, but nerve problems deserve the experts.

   4. Chiropractors are quacks, go to a physical therapist.

      1. +1
         Chiropractors + necks is a scary scary combination- they’re one of the leading causes of vertebral artery stroke which can leave you paralyzed.

   5. No idea if this is an option for you, but I receive Osteopathic Manipulative Treatment from my PCP (who is a DO) and have found that *significantly* more effective than past attempts at chiropractic care.

   6. I find sports doctors the most helpful for things like this, even though if your only athletic activity is walking to the coffee machine. They refer out to good physical therapist

   7. Insist on a prescription for physical therapy!!! They had been feeling better in no time. I am a huge fan of PT. You can also google neck strengthening exercises on youtube but don’t push too hard.

   8. Do not let a chiropractor touch the cervical spine (C1-C7). It’s a very delicate area. You need physical therapy. That’s what cured it for me.

   9. PT. And the PT may also order an occupational therapist to evaluate your work set up or any other environmental strain that may be contributing.

   10. I was always told ice for pinched nerves! Try to do so a few times a day.

   11. Wouldn’t a proper message be helpful with this. I had the worst neck pain and lumps on the tops of my shoulders. It took 4-5 deep tissue massages to resolve it.

       For me, the pinched nerve is mainly because I have poor posture and a weak core.

   12. Go to a licensed physical therapist instead of a chiropractor. They can come up with all sorts of weird minute-movement exercises for you to practice on your own that can make a huge difference in treating your pinched nerve.

5. The earlier thread on the Republican response to the SOTU made me think about a CLE I attended (in a blue city in a blue state if that matters). The CLE was entirely unrelated to family issues, but the female presenters were all described in their into as “a mom” along with their professional qualifications. Only professional qualifications were mentioned for the male presenters. Is this a trend, sort of aligned with bringing your whole self to work?

   1. I wouldn’t do it, but I think this is one of those frustrating double standard things: when a dude /does/ put being a dad in his bio, he gets a lot of props for it, but a woman doing it seems unprofessional

      (fwiw, even in my big bureaucratic corp it’s pretty normal for our exec bios to have a line or two about family – although on reflection they tend to say something like “He enjoys exploring New York with his two daughters” or “He has three adult children, and is excited to relocate to OurLocation” but not usually literally “He’s an engineer, motorcycle rider, and Dad to …”

   2. Unfortunately, defining women by whether they have children isn’t a trend, but a longterm problem. I don’t see this as anything new or trendy at least not where I am. It’s just an unfortunate fact of life that I wish would change.

   3. It irks me when professional women say their most important job is as a mom.
      I admit to the double standard where I would appreciate it if men spoke about parenting issues more.

      Today is international women’s day fwiw

      1. I don’t think this is really a double standard. I would certainly not be very confident in a male exec if he said his most important job is a dad.

         1. I would have absolutely said that being a mother was my most important job when my daughter was young (she is an adult now). In fact, when I changed jobs when she was a baby I told the interviewer that because I did not want to find myself in another job that was not consistent with being the kind of parent I wanted to be. (I was getting really tired of being told to cover something a 3 hour drive away the evening before because my boss could not be bothered to look at her calendar more than a day in advance and having to scramble for last minute childcare.) My new boss told me later that was why he hired me – because I was the only person he ever met who was bluntly honest in my interview.

            And yet I managed to be a successful professional who generally had the respect of my colleagues and clients. Thinking that being a parent in your most important job is not inconsistent with being good at the job you do for money.

            1. thinking it and saying it out loud are two different things though. Even acting on it and saying it are not the same.

            2. So your view is that women shouldn’t be honest about their priorities, because it might make people judge them? And you’re claiming that’s a feminist stance?

               Absurd.

            3. I’m not who you’re responding to but I do judge women who go out of their way to tell me the prioritize their role as a mom. Because the vast vast majority of mothers do that. And for me, it looks different than it does for other women. But if you feel the need to constantly brag about how your priorities are your kids, with the implication that every other mom’s somehow aren’t, that’s crummy. She’s a sitting us senator; we clearly share the view that you can be a great mom with an important job. But she’s cloaked her persona in trad wife super Christian rhetoric so that she can force her worldview on everyone and that’s what makes her terrible. I don’t need to hear this nonsense about what an awesome mom she thinks she is as a preface to everything. Also, parenting is hard. I do judge people who are constantly telling me how great they are at it.

            4. “I judge women for expressing their actual thoughts” is just an incredibly unfamiliar, regressive perspective to hold.

               In my book, women can be proud of the work they do, can brag about the choices and sacrifices they make, can highlight or demote whatever in their life they want to highlight or demote. They can do that in connection with paid work, unpaid work, hobbies, habits, whatever. They don’t need to make themselves smaller to make me feel more comfortable.

               Would strongly encourage you to examine why you feel the need to judge other women for not fitting into your model of what a woman “should be” and why you think women should silence themselves on certain topics—it’s exactly the same toxic, anti-woman energy that held women down pre-feminist revolution, and, ironically, the energy you seem to be objecting to when it’s pointing in the other direction.

      2. Being responsible for a human is significantly more important than being responsible for a PowerPoint. The failure in this circumstance is on the men’s end, not the women’s.

      3. Some jobs are more compatible with being a mom than others. I was a trial lawyer who moved into capital posconviction work when my son was older. A young male lawyer was suprised that I never did a murder trial as a trial lawyer. I explained that I was doing felony trials when my son was a baby and toddler and I could devote all my energy to one or the other, not both.

   4. I lead a regular meeting with an all-female group, and the other day I brought in a (male) coworker who I’m trying to train to take my place in it – I had asked my group to go around and introduce themselves and talk about their background, as several of them have other experiences that are useful to our group, and a few are senior, etc. Maybe I wasn’t as clear on that as I should have been, but they all went on at length about their families. I had to really prompt them to talk about their professional experience and point out the ones who had senior status.
      I know these aren’t lawyers or other higher-level professionals, but they do an important job. I didn’t want to jump in an try to correct them on it, but I was actually a little embarrassed because they were spending so much time on this personal, non-job related stuff.

      1. Thanks for doing that.

      2. Heaven forbid people talk about non-work things that are important to them in the workplace. We should all be drones who care solely about the Very Important Budget We Are Here To Discuss Today or whatever.

         1. Yeah I personally get irritated when other women think they are in a better place to manage my brand than I am. I would be irked by this.

   5. I’ve seen men do it also but like Chris Hayes. As a mom I think it’s a huge part of my personality and thoughts … but I also really like to compartmentalize so I would never want to bring that energy to work.

      I’d almost see it as bragging if I did it – like look at what I’ve accomplished AND I have procreated!

   6. I don’t know that the mom part of it bothered me as much as the wife! And she introduced herself as a wife first! I can see being a mom as at least somewhat related to some issues you care about maybe, but honestly I cannot think of how the wife part relates to anything that you do as a legislator or voter ever. She may as well have said “and I have a Pomeranian” for all that this is relevant.

      1. Oh, the wife part matters a lot to a certain constituency. Look up Amy Coney Barrett’s organizational affiliations.

         1. I guess me and that constituency just don’t mix.

   7. Oof. I have a lot of feelings about this. I work in a feminist field and especially with wfh there’s a ton of flexibility around and acceptance of people being frank about family situations and needs, kids in your zoom, etc. all of this is great.

      And yet. I find myself in so many cases where people focus on their kids as their introductions and conversation starters in a professional context and as a childfree woman I am truly at a loss of wtf I am supposed to say in response.

      Example: an intro zoom with a coalition partner where she spends one sentence on her role and five on her family. Then my colleague talks about her family. Cut to me and I’m like hi. Just me over here.

      I think we have overcorrected in some ways.

      1. This is a valid point, but surely you have interests outside of work, too! I’m a big law counsel, and I work closely with a female partner who never married and has no kids. But she spends all of that free time traveling and cycling (or traveling somewhere to bike), and so whenever people are sharing personal facts about themselves, she talks about one of those two things. Honestly, it makes the rest of us a little jealous, because “I just got back from a weekend race trail biking in New Mexico” is way more interesting to most clients than “I have a toddler.”

         (We often include none of this information at all, obviously, but clients often want to “get to know you as a person” these days.)

      2. Obviously you respond by talking about whatever you feel is important in your personal life, no?

   8. I saw the earlier thread too late to comment (probably this one, too), but I have to say: as a Republican in a red state, I and everyone I know, as well as all of the conservative pundits I follow, were appalled by the Republican response. Literally everyone.
      That is all.

6. shout out something you’re proud of from this week! i got all my water in (thanks, Waterlama app) and got in 4 exercise sessions.

   1. I played in a more advanced bridge game than normal and didn’t completely self destruct after making a couple of dumb mistakes!

      1. I love bridge! Did you play online or IRL? So hard to find people to play.

         1. I play in person! I’m not sure where you are, but there might actually be a bridge club in your city if you Google for that. If you can find one, they will often have folks who need partners or will have guaranteed partner games. I’m in Little Rock, Arkansas, so certainly not a big city.

            I only very rarely play online but a lot of people in my club do. They use BBO, and you can play against real people or robots on that site.

      2. So cool! We have a great group just west of Baltimore – and I totally grok that feeling.

   2. We’re tired from a long week, but making the effort to go skiing tomorrow. I’m proud of the way I’ve made effort (during a really rough year personally) to do the things I love, even when it’s challenging.

   3. I’m kicking ass at work for the first time in a long time.

   4. I have been struggling with two difficult clients for months and just finished all the work I owed them (or will ever owe them, because I’m firing them) this week!

      1. Yes!!! Congrats!

   5. I spoke on my first conference panel and got lots of compliments! I love speaking in front of groups so wasn’t worried about that part, but they had asked the most senior person in my department to do it first and they couldn’t make it and recommended me. I felt at first a bit like a fraud as everyone else was far more senior than me but it was a lot of fun!!

7. Shoes like these hit my visual sweet spot but I’m also seeing the medical bills for the subsequent broken ankle.

8. Is anyone here savvy with points? I’ve been saving Chase credit card points and have $2000+worth now – would these be good to use on a trip to Napa this spring or would I really want a smaller boutique hotel experience? (Flight for 2 is only $600 so that seems fine) … we’re only there for a few days and probably would want to be in the same hotel for all of it.

   1. Why wouldn’t you use your points toward the flight? Money is fungible, after all, and when you spend your points for travel you get 1.5 times the value of the points. (At least i do on my card.) As for the hotel, you can go to the Chase rewards site and look around and see what hotels they have. Maybe something will catch your eye.

   2. Ugh reply in mod.

   3. Look to see what hotels are nearby that you like. Chase transfers to Hyatt and they often have excellent redemption rates for really expensive hotels. That would be my first choice rather than booking on the chase site. Other option is to look at The Points Guy and see if they have any recommended redemptions in Napa. They usually have good recommendations on how to use points and chase points tend to be the most valuable!

   4. You get way better rates if you transfer the points to the travel partners (e.g., United, hotels, etc.) and then book.

9. Y’all, 5 cant get here fast enough. I’ve got a hot date tonight with leftover pizza, a bathbomb, and an early bed time. It’s wet, it’s dark, and it’s cold. I hit a wall at 3 pm yesterday. The energy level is basically in the basement, and I’ve still got things I really should do this afternoon.

   Solidarity if you too are dragging yourself to the end of the day.

   1. I gave up around 3 and have been “working” (really just monitoring emails) from my couch with a cozy blanket since then. Totally feel you.

   2. Enjoy!!

      I have to go out tonight (husband is in a bar band) but I’m looking forward to being a vegetable for the rest of the weekend.

10. Anyone have a walking pad or smaller sized treadmill they would recommend? TIA

    1. I bought this Sunny walking pad about a year ago. It’s a bit narrow, but I’m used to it. I only walk at low speeds because there aren’t any handrails and I’m a klutz.

       https://a.co/d/7DhQWiW

11. We are hosting an Oscars party this weekend for ~30 people. Going to Costco – any crowd favorites for appetizers? Eyeing the taquitos, meatballs (if you have a fave prep method pls share), spanokopita, corn dogs, gf chicken tenders, and mozz sticks. Also going to have a chocolate fountain with maybe the churro donuts/strawberries/marshmallows/pretzles for dipping? People are bringing stuff too. Thanks!

    1. I think pigs in a blanket are always a hit at parties.

       1. Ohhh yeah, those are the hit of every new years eve gathering around here. We do lil’ smokies (turkey usually) wrapped in crescent dough. Bake until golden. Pass around with a ramekin full of classic yellow mustard. Doesn’t get better than that!

    2. frozen cream puffs!

    3. The pretzel bites are really good
       Chunky guac is solid
       If you’re going to make any buffalo chicken dips or anything you can get the already-pulled rotisserie chicken rather than using canned
       For desserts I like their caramel sea salt bites
       Shrimp cocktail is always good too

    4. Put the meatball tray on my lap and kiss it goodbye. I like when they’re heated up in a crockpot with a tomatoey sauce like the classic grape jelly + heinz chili sauce recipe.

    5. I like a cheeseboard. I have been doing a cheeseboard at every gathering since the early 90s and they never go to waste. I like a soft cheese like a brie + a hard cheese like manchego + a cheese kids like, like muenster or swiss. Fancy crispy seeded crackers, some grapes, some salted mixed nuts, and that’s all you need. Quince paste/membrillo is nice too, but sometimes people don’t know what to do with it.

       My preference is to put the cheeses on a wooden board (hence cheeseboard), each with their own little knife, then put the crackers, fruit, and nuts in little bowls alongside. I know people like the artistic charcuterie look but putting things out separately makes them much easier to dig into.

    6. Maybe some veggie options to break up the fried stuff while also giving the GF person another option? I like little caprese salad skewers. Or you can’t go wrong with hummus and veggies.

       1. Costco sells an awesome bottled balsamic glaze for caprese skewers.

    7. – Veggie tray is precut and approx $9-14 depending on your region of the country
       – paper plates and napkins – or the compostable kind – save my sanity when I host groups especially with kids present
       – individual bags of fruit snacks for kids
       – meatballs I love them crispy so I bake them on a sheet pan dry for about 30 min then put them in a crockpot with Rao’s – but that’s much more marinara forward than the classic grape jelly recipes others favor!
       – pita bread or naan bread triangles plus hummus, you can buy a big thing of hummus or have the single serves
       – I don’t find the fruit salad consistent quality
       – extension cords and extra tongs for folks who bring something that needs to be kept warm and they forgot serving tools

12. I want to wear more of my jewelry. I have so much and only ever wear a silver link watch and a simple pair of huggie style earrings that have a comfort hoop back so I don’t feel them when I sleep. I used to wear more when I was married – then I got divorced, moved to my current city where most don’t know I was previously married. I am not in the habit of wearing it and now when I put it on I feel – strange, it feels foreign. Any suggestions for utilizing this more? I probably haven’t worn a ring on any finger for a full day for 5+ years.

    1. I love jewelry, albeit 95% of what I wear is considered costume. As for re-adjusting to wearing jewelry again, you can start by wearing a piece or two for a day at a time extending wearing time for more days in a row. Playing with different types of rings, sizes/shapes, and metal types to see what fees the best. I find thinner necklaces are easier to adjust to wearing rather than big, thicker pieces.

    2. Put it out on your dresser. I like to put a little bowl out of things I’m currently wearing rather than having it hidden away in my jewelry box (or safe.) every once in a while I go through the big collection and swap out the things in a little bowl.

       Out of sight is out of mind.

    3. We have been robbed before and now keep mine in the safe; every month I pull out a few pieces to wear and put them in a small jewelry box that lives on my dresser.

    4. We have been robbed before and now keep mine in the safe; every month I pull out a few pieces to wear and put them in a small jewelry box that lives on my dresser.

    5. Is it that wearing the pieces reminds you of when you were married? After my parents divorced my mother put away a lot of what she wore meaning to pull them out later…instead she ended up buying new pieces and never touched the old stuff again.
       Maybe getting some new pieces might make wearing them feel less foreign?

    6. See if you can wear rings on your middle fingers or your right ring finger, avoiding your left hand ring finger. Also, tennis-style bracelets are easier to wear than heavy bangles, which can get in the way of using a keyboard at work. See if you can select a universally-coordinating necklace as your “signature,” like a string of pearls or one made out of metal, and then switch out your earrings, rings, and bracelets for variety. Keep a small dish in the kitchen to place your rings at the end of the day before you prepare your supper. Pick up a few relatively affordable pieces out of the estate jewelry section of Ross Simons online if your current collection of jewelry reminds you too much of your married life. Enjoy!

13. I just finished Matthew Perry’s autobiography. He said a few times in the book that Chandler Bing “changed how Americans spoke” at least for a period of time. I think he was probably right, but has anyone researched this? How did he change how America spoke? Were we all putting emphases on unexpected words? Are there examples? I am a millennial and I feel like I am so used to that type of speech that I don’t even notice it. Also, is there a YouTube montage of Chandler-speak? I rewatched most episodes and I’ve only noticed the Chandler-speak once, and then a couple times when other characters were mocking him, and then that’s it. Again, I think maybe my ears just don’t hear it.

    1. Google it.

    2. I *SO* think you could find a video on YouTube.

    3. After Perry died, the 2 examples I kept seeing were, “Could you BE any more Ross?” And “that is so Ross!” Or “that is so you!”

       The claim was that Perry made these up and wrote them based on the way he spoke with his friends growing up.

    4. I think he had an overinflated view of his importance. I’m 50 so was around for the hey day, and I don’t think it changed anything. I think Paris Hilton and the uptalking Kardashians have had that sort of contribution. All he had was a character with a catch phrase.

       1. I’m close to your age and was as well, and I completely agree.

14. Ok wild goose chasers – I am watching Blown Away season 4. Guest evaluator episode 1 is Brandi Clark. She wears a necklace about 4 min in that is made of glass and looks kinda like a plastic bendy straw – but cooler? I love it. Any ideas where I can get something like that?

    1. No advice, but I loved that show!

    2. No idea on that particular one, but as a source of inspiration for 3D intricate jewelry, browse The Directrice’s blog.

    3. kathusk_jewellery on insta!

15. I’m so frustrated and just need to vent. I had a good interview for a job two weeks ago, and today I got a response back that they would like to offer me a lower position instead of the one I applied for. I feel like this is a total bait and switch, and manipulative.
    I’m already doing the job they offered, for 5 years, and am at the top of my salary band at my current company. Uggg.

    1. Yuck! It sucks that they did that to you. I guess on the plus side, they showed you they’re shady right from the get go? Are you crafting a borderline snarky response or just saying “no thanks” and applying elsewhere?

       1. Yes, you’re 100% right. I just said I can’t relocate for that position and left it at that. Time to polish up the old resume again

16. Paging One Note users! How do you decide when to start a new notebook rather than add a new section? I am trying to figure out the optimal organization structure. I am an in-house attorney with multiple clients, each with multiple and sometimes disparate matters that I need to track.

    1. In house employment lawyer here. I sort mine by topic – e.g. litigation, wage/hour, investigations, policy, etc. I also have an administrative one, as well as a miscellaneous one that has everything else. I usually do a separate notebook for major projects.

    2. Different field than you. I share different notebooks with various teams and we keep them to a year (at most) for each team, then start a new one. If an individual notebook gets too large it errors out when backing up, and we have policy requirements to maintain a backup of our work.

17. Can anyone recommend a light body spray for when you get out of the shower. They used to sell these in the deodorant aisle but they have gone away. I don’t want heavy perfume but just a hint of something. Does this still exist? Ideally something I can get online easily.

    1. Chanel No. 1 de l’eau Rouge

    2. Nuxe oil has a lovely scent too, if you want something that is more moisturizing and not just pure fragrance.

18. Is the DMRTLY tinted moisturizer all that it says? Feel like I’m always chasing the holy Grail, but this one is very persuasive. Does it really give you a smooth look without settling into wrinkles?

    1. it’s fine but not amazing. I’ve been using it for about a year but jsut ordered the new supergoop skin tint to try. I liked the Coola rossiliance a lot, but it always started to smell off before I finished a bottle (using it daily!), which is what led me to DRMTLGY.

       if you do try DRMTLGY, it’s almost always 20-30% off, just a heads up… and I do really love their hand lotion!

19. what shoes are women wearing to legal conferences these days? I’m speaking at a few this month and would like to bring some different shoes. I’m wearing pants each day – kind of higher hem – and can go heels or flats or chunky shoes (from the 90s). just wondering what’s on trend for us lady lawyers, as I’ve been out of the circuit for a few years.

    1. Well, I just bought cute gold/champagne colors sneakers for legal conference in Vegas. Looking for the right outfit now. I never wore heels to conferences because the hotels can be huge and sometimes you end up walking a good way to lunch or dinner. When I presented, I usually wore a dress and wedge heels and not a suit.

    2. I went to a conference last week and counted six pairs of,Rothy’s of various iterations. Also lots of higher vamp ballet flats. Oddly not many loafers which surprised me. A few pairs of knee high boots but that may have been because the weather was not great.

       It was a legal conference in LA if that helps.

    3. Whatever is comfortable — even fashion sneakers, especially if you are sitting on a panel presentation. The standard is pretty much anything goes, and nobody is going to raise eyebrows, one of the silver-lining results of the COVID-19 lockdown and maximum work from home culture. Folks are just happy people aren’t showing up in beachwear or pajamas, although the interns in crop tops are an unwelcome update.

    4. Flats, Rothys, cute sneakers. Somehow even though everyone says we’re all wearing loafers, I don’t see many in the wild other than the Gucci or Sam Edelman style, not chunky 90s looks. Philly.

       1. *in the wild at work – I do see them around but it’s more on the trendy college students wearing them with white socks, not around the office

20. Well, I just bought cute gold/champagne colors sneakers for legal conference in Vegas. Looking for the right outfit now. I never wore heels to conferences because the hotels can be huge and sometimes you end up walking a good way to lunch or dinner. When I presented, I usually wore a dress and wedge heels and not a suit.

    1. Probably jeans, white shirt or blouse, statement blazer or jardigan to be prepared for air conditioning, jewelry
       Gotta be prepared to walk, I agree.

21. The Body Shop PSA; if you are a BS fan, note the company filed for bankruptcy. Their website is down, but Ulta still has some of their products.

    1. It’s so sad. I love their salt mask and camomile oil cleanser. They really lost their way.

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