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Updated: Mar 11, 2024 329 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Guspa Long-Sleeve Cardigan

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a pink long sleeve cardigan

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

H/t to Kat for finding this gorgeous cardigan from ba&sh. The round neckline is a classic, and the marled knit looks super luxe. Paired with a classic sheath or pencil skirt, I think this could easily replace a blazer for most business formal situations.

For a more casual look, I would add some high-waisted trousers and my favorite work tee.

The sweater is $380 at ba&sh and comes in sizes XS–L. It's available in the pictured pink as well as blue and yellow (though the “yellow” is more of a warm tan).

Talbots has an option that's more affordable and available in three size ranges. It's $139–$159 full price, but you can get 30% off plus an extra 15% off when you check out.

P.S. Ramadan Mubarak to those who celebrate!

Some of our latest favorite Chanel-style jackets for work in 2024 include these, but in general check brands like Chanel, St. John, IRO, L'Agence, Sandro, ba&sh, and J.Crew. On the budget side of things, check out Mango and White House Black Market.

woman wears 100% cotton sweater lady jacket
J.Crew
Chanel-style jacket in dark burgundy
IRO
green plaid tweed Chanel-like jacket with fringe
L'Agence
pink sweater Chanel-style jacket; woman wears them with ivory jeans
ba&sh

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Ding dong the witch is dead. My abusive boss is finally being shown the door. I haven’t felt this sense of calm in about a year.

    • Anonymous

      When this happened for me ten years ago I bought a bar cabinet in celebration and when I look at it I still remember how good that day felt

      • Anonymous

        Bombing a very big important meeting. She had been taking credit for the work of others and was entirely unable to perform at the meeting.

          • Anoon

            I once had a boss who put her name on someone else’s detailed research brief and submitted it as a writing sample for her own promotion. Shameless.

          • OP

            It was painfully embarassing for our organization. I have built a reputation for our org as one of the world’s foremost experts on the issue, so the expectations were high. Next meeting I’m going to have to do a lot of damage control.

        • Ellen

          It is sad when female bosses are degrading to their female employees. That is why I am so happy that my boss, the manageing partner, has never done anything to degrade me–instead he encouraged me to become all that I have become as an attorney and counselor at law, and now, a senior partner at the firm! It was only about 10 years ago that I was questioning my own competence as an attorney when he said I was partnership material, and I listened to everything he taught me, to the point that people have asked where in the world did I ever get such great insight and experience? I always say it was b/c of the manageing partner; 100%. All him, and my dad, who negotiated my contract with the manageing partner. I am financially secure, have a great apartement, and my own freinds, even though I have not found a man worthy enough for me to marry. That is my only shortcoming. Failing to find a decent man when I was young enough to bear children. Now that that is not in the cards for me, I am content enough to live through my sister Rosa and her kids, who live in Weschester while I live in the City. She is still married to Ed, though she has mentioned that he needs to grow up. So even she doesn’t have the perfect man, who I don’t think exists!

    • Anon for this

      This happened to my former boss (who a lot of my colleagues/friends still worked for) and I can’t even tell you how much better their collective mental health is.

      • New Here

        Same here. I’d also been (trying to) call attention to their BS and felt like no one believed me when I was there. Hearing “you were right” after boss left (9 months after I’d left) was so nice!

  2. Anon

    This brand is new to me. The featured sweater isn’t for me, but I really like many other things on the site. Can anyone say how the sizing runs?

      • Anon

        Agreed. I really like Ba&sh but when in doubt, size up. I would say sizing is similar to Sezane.

      • Anon

        I deeply hate the term vanity sizing. Sizing is arbitrary anyway and each brand determines its own measurements for sizing of women’s clothing with limited to no standardization between all the different brands. In addition, sizing that WAS developed was developed in the 1940s across only 15k women with updates in the 1950s. And it has never accurately represented the needs present in the population across different demographics.

        • Anon

          I hate that they used size inflation to increase sales because they found that people were more likely to purchase if they felt flattered by a lower labeled size… which I think is well described by the term vanity sizing.

    • NYNY

      Sadly for this pear, ba&sh runs narrow in the hips. I ordered a perfect dress from them last summer that was really tight in the hips, but roomy on top, so I couldn’t size up. I even had a tailor look at it, but nope.

  3. TelcoLadyJD

    Does anyone have recommendations for a kitchen “command center”? We use (and heavily rely) on a family google calendar – so I’m thinking that one of those electronic displays would be useful in our kitchen. But we also have a lot of paper stuff (daycare forms, daycare lunch/snack menu, mail that needs to be dealt with in some way), so it seems like a cork board or something similar would also be helpful. I’d like for this to not be ugly – suggestions? It would need to be hung on the wall – we don’t have the counterspace or butler’s pantry for something to sit on a countertop.

  4. Anonymous

    What would you wear to a school auction- casual dress but at a country club. New England, early spring. Tall size 12, mid 40s. Jeans are allowed despite it being at a CC.

    • Anon

      Sue Sartor Flounce dress because I can throw fleece leggings underneath and wear with boots if I get cold. And I get cold.

    • Anon

      SEUS here, but that crowd here would be full of women wearing white jeans in a current cut with whatever top and shoes are appropriate. And jewelry.

    • Cat

      Navy wide-legged ankle pants (cotton or linen) and a pretty sweater or blouse, depending on weather.

    • Anon

      Oh geez. Is this public or private? What’s the ratio of SAHM to working? The SAHMs tend to dress up. Is there a dress code on the invitation? I wouldn’t wear jeans unless they are very current and worn with an expensive going out top. Casual here probably means date night casual because this is a date night. I.e., expensive suburban mom clothes.

      I hate these events because I never know what to wear and my DH doesn’t get it because he wears the same thing he wears to the office and calls it a day. Meanwhile, my wardrobe is split between wear to office and wear to clean out the garage. Not this.

      • Anonymous

        I’m helping to run it (but mercifully won’t be on a stage of any kind!), dress code–which was not my doing– is “casual.” It’s a public elem school fundraiser, private event. We live in a wealthy suburb of a major city. The town/school vibe is “wealthy parents”- we have a big mix of part time working moms (I’m one of them!), some high power moms with SAHDs, several dual working high power couples, everyone is solidly upper class. There are SAHMs, but usually what happens is the moms go back to work (full or part time) once the kids are in elem, so there isn’t a lot of the bored rich housewife vibe in town. More like bored rich SAHM who decided to start a nonprofit and it now consumes all her time (my good friend and former litigator).

        So anyway, what would stylish people wear to a casual event on a weekend evening in early april at a country club when there could still be snow on the ground? The white pants suggested above are a little too springy for the weather IMO. The “date night” vibe sounds right. “nice expensive current jeans and a going out top” would be great– but I need some specific suggestions :)

        • Anon

          When my kids were that age, one of my daughter’s bestie’s mom hosted the auction & wore a sequin dress. She looked amazing. No one else was dressed at that level – far from it – but since she was up on stage running the thing, she decided to look *fabulous* and she did!

          • Anon

            This would actually annoy me a little as an attendee assuming casual attire was explicitly said. I feel like dress codes are so fraught, and for someone who presumably helped choose and message the dress code it’s kind of a good host to abide by it to make everyone else feel comfortable, instead of leaving guests wondering if everyone else secretly knew it was actually sequin dress time.

        • Josie P

          I would wear a long Boden dress in a nice print. Springy but you can wear leggings underneath! Also statement bc print.

        • Anon

          Wide legged navy pants and a cashmere sweater in a springtime color, or school color. Nice but not fancy earrings and a stack of bracelets or a statement cuff bracelet. Pointy toe flats – Rothys if you find them comfortable.

        • Anonymous

          I would look at J McLaughlin for this. Something like the Isla pant and Colby jacket. I am a dress wearer for all occasions, and you might find something in that category, as well, that is more transitional for the unpredictable weather in your latitude.

    • Anon

      I never had kids so can’t advise on the PTA aspect of this, but I always have a few dresses in my closet for going out to things. I’d wear what I’d wear to a nice restaurant or party. Currently, a silky shirt dress and block heels is my favorite look.

      • NYCer

        +1. I do have kids and school events, and I also have a few casual-side dresses that I rotate through for things like this. For early spring, I would probably wear one that is longer and floral print with a denim jacket. I have an old Reformation dress that would fit the bill. My other options are from places like Sezane, Molli and La Ligne.

        • NYCer

          I will add… I am a dress person and wear dresses often. If you’re not, I also think pants would be 100% fine.

    • anon for this

      We recently had an event like this and the most stylish moms showed up in wide legged jeans, a t-shirt and a moto leather jacket over it. With chunky heels or loafers. And a very fancy handbag.

      • NYNY

        Totally agree. Also, I’m starting to think Sue Sartor herself is a regular anon on here.

        OP, what’s your normal style of dress? Because you want to wear the nice version of that. If you would never wear a rufflepuff dress or moto jacket, now is not the time to start.

        • Anonymous

          I just cannot understand how, why, or where anyone would wear a Sue Sartor dress. They are just enormous belted sacks of stiff cotton fabric that are too costumey for day wear and not dressy enough for evening.

          • Anon

            Sorry it doesn’t work for you. I love them and have many. They’re perfect for travel, the cotton is substantial so they work in air conditioned but warm climates, are perfect on planes, go out to dinner and parties in the summer. They wear like iron because they’re well made. My office is casual and stylish so I also get a lot of wear there in the summer. The entire line of dressier/silk dresses is both dramatic and comfortable. I love them and for all the grousing here about natural fibers and poor quality this is a brand that does both exceptionally well.

          • Anon

            Not Sue Sartor, but it was an array of voices (one from San Francisco, IIRC) chiming in about quality fabrics that had me try one (one sale) and it is a keeper. I chose darker colors (the cinnabar) after other favorites sold out and it is just a winner for me. I wear with Doc Martins. I love that it has pockets.

      • Anonymous

        i’m the OP and I agree. The auction committee went with “casual” apparently so nobody felt pressured to dress up or change from their work clothes or whatever. But…I work from home. If I went from work, I’d be in jeans and a sweater and fur lined birkenstocks. I also think it’s weird because tickets are $100pp and the food is nice…I feel like you should be dressed fancy for that?

        Next year we decided to do c*ocktail, which at least gives people something to go on.

    • Anonymous

      Not saying this is the most stylish but honestly I’d wear a springy business casual outfit I’d wear to work. I don’t have any clothes that would fit in this category and wouldn’t buy any.

      Sage green double breasted blazer, light grey wide leg trousers. Loafers. Silk blouse. Fun earrings and hair.

  5. Anon

    If you work as in-house counsel, can you share details about your compensation? I’m applying for a new job which will be a big step up in responsibility and more demanding than my current job, and I’m pretty sure I’m understanding so I want to ask for more, but I don’t want to ask for something ridiculous so I’m trying to get a sense of the market. I have 9 years of experience (5 big law, 4 in house). Big company, East Coast city (not NYC).

    • Anon

      I’m in NY having recently applied for jobs in NY where salary range disclosures are legally mandated in job ads, but for one position where the salary range was posted as, I think, 165-250, the HR recruiter was helpful in telling me that the position generally went at around 230. So one data source could be looking at similar positions in NY or other states where range must be posted and another is just asking HR if you get a screening call. To answer your question, I’m in house at a big multinational outside of NYC doing commercial contracts and make 215 pre-bonus. 9-5 job. No direct reports.

    • Anon_this_time

      17 years out of law school, with over a decade at my current large multinational company. Because I’ve been there so long, I’m probably a bit underpaid. I’d been making ~220k for the past few years, but just moved from individual contributor to manager role and was able to negotiate sizable raise. So I’m now at $265k. Small bonuses, no stock because I’m not an executive. DC metro area but company is based in NY.

    • Anon for this

      Philly, I’d expect about $175-$200 plus bonus for a major company at 9 years out, maybe more if it’s enormous like SAP or Comcast (option potential). If you’re aiming at a role that wants more like 15 years experience, upper 200s.

    • Anon

      There is huge variability depending on industry, level of role, area of law, etc. I’m in the financial industry in a fairly senior L&E role. Total comp of $340k in HCOL.

      I’d recommend asking them for the salary and/or total comp range. Some places have a heavy emphasis on bonus (which may be deferred compensation) while others pay more in cash.

      • anon

        +1, I think this varies heavily based on industry. I’m 15 years out of law school, mix of in house, govt and biglaw experience, and make $325K base, with typically 30% bonus (last year substantially higher, not sure yet what this year will be). Medium sized private tech company.

    • Anonymous

      I worked for a financial company with 1000 employees in the Midwest (about an hour drive from a major airport). When I left in 2017, the GC made $180k including bonuses. The other attorneys made between $70-140k. Team of 8 attorneys, plus a couple assistants and paralegals, plus the GC oversaw a claims-like dept. of about 60. I am fairly certain the GC’s comp has now cracked the mid 200s, but I doubt most of the rest of the team has gone much over $150.

    • Anon

      I’m a deputy GC at a bank. 15 years experience; 11 in big law and 4 in- house. Total comp is $550k – $300k base plus cash/stock bonuses, pension plan, and employer HSA contribution.

    • anoncat

      I also have about 9 years of experience. TC is ~$430k at a FAANG in VHCOL area.

    • Anonforthis

      9 years’ experience (7 in big law, 2 in-house at current company) at a F500 on the East Coast (HCOL, not NY or DC). Base $205k, bonus around $75k, annual stock grant around $60k (total comp last year = $350k plus 401(k) match).

    • Anon OP

      Thanks, everyone! I don’t want to share too many details on here, but these responses have been really helpful. I will definitely ask what their range is, but is helpful in knowing what to expect/ask for.

    • Anon

      So, Legal.io just put out a salary report. Roberth Half has one. TechGC has one (paywalled). Special Counsel and Barker Gilmore have one too. If you are in West Coast bigtech (FAANG), Lawyer Whisperer has some data points.

      California also required salary ranges on job posts now (as does Colorado). You can get good benchmarks there or see whether the role is cross-posted and do COL adjustments.

      FWIW – Senior corporate counsel, six years out, 235 base, 20% bonus, equity of ~$75K (underwater) vesting annually. SF tech (but not big tech). Legal Dept of 3.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      It’s a good article. I love the part about how Chanel No 5 is manufactured in New Jersey and pretty much always was.

      Little known fact – New Jersey, not France, is the fragrance capital of the world.

    • Anonymous

      You would probably be surprised by just how many company founders were active sympathizers or party memebers, both in Europe and the US.

    • 2bu

      Chanel is 100% owned by the Wertheimeres, a Jewish family, and they have been the majority owners of the perfume line since the early 1920s. The family owned 90% of everything after the war and bought out her remaining 10% stake in Chanel from her estate after her death.

      During the war Coco Chanel tried to regain her ownership stake by using their JEwish heritage against them, but they had already fled to the US and given their ownership to a trusted friend. Coco Chanel was outsmarted and exiled to switzerland, and when she returned to France the only place she could get financing to restart her work was with the Wertheimers. They took majority ownership of all the Chanel product lines at that point.

      https://thevintagebar.com/the-archive/who-owns-chanel

      I don’t buy much Chanel, but I love sticking it to her when I do buy a lipstick or a perfume.

  7. Anon Girls Weekend

    I’m looking for vacation recommendations between upstate NY and South Jersey, my friend and I (late 30s) are looking for a long weekend getaway in April/May. Looking to drive and spend a weekend in a historic area, ideally walkable, with cute restaurants – maybe on the coast? I was thinking Martha’s vineyard or Nantucket but I’ve never been. (I don’t mind shoulder seasons as I acknowledge that April and May are chilly in the new england area!) Any other recommendations? Budget flexible but hoping to spend sub-300/night on lodging.

    • Cat

      How far upstate is upstate? I’m thinking Hudson River area would be a heck of a lot easier than dealing with driving all the way to MA and dealing with ferries – or cancelled ferries if it’s rough – for a long weekend.

    • Anonymous

      I would stay south – even in NYC it can snow in April. New Hope PA/Frenchville NJ are cute – maybe smaller than what you are picturing.

    • Anon

      I visited Bar Harbor the week leading into the Memorial Day weekend and it was great. The town was coming to life and the weather was perfect for hiking in Acadia.

    • Anonymous

      Cape May (very south Jersey!). Super historical, cute, might get decent weather.

    • Anon

      What about Cape May? It’s lovely and there’s a few nice nature areas nearby and cute restaurants.

  8. Sarah

    There are actually a lot of colors of that sweater — army green, black with white flecks, black and white stripe, red, etc. Pastel is not for me, but the other colors are nice (albeit too expensive for my clothes budget)

    • Anonymous

      Even if I wanted to spend nearly $400 on a sweater, the fabric content is a dealbreaker.

  9. anon DC

    Help me figure out where to go for spring break! We’re behind in planning and need something quick for our break – April 15-19. Its me, husband, and two kids 6 and 9. Looking for somewhere warm, some nature activities and city or history activities, and easy logistics. Kids are great travelers. We’re coming from DC and have have already done a lot in southern CA. Any ideas? I feel really behind and am dreading looking at flight and lodging costs.

    • Cat

      Charleston? Mix of history, food, nature, and beach time? Could even be driveable from DC…

    • Lily

      Cancun. Direct flight, nice resorts, warm, and lots of nature/history activities (Mayan ruins, snorkeling or just swimming in the cenotes and/or ocean, water sports, etc.).

    • Anon

      We doing Puerto Rico that same week. You should be able to get a direct flight. They weren’t bad from where we live. Hotels weren’t bad either. Peak season seems to run through March, so rates drop around mid-April. We are taking our three year-old, and he can do most of the activities we were interested in, so you would definitely be able to do a lot with a 6 and 9 year old.

      • anon DC

        Ohh, we have been eyeing PR for a long time. The thing that I keep overthinking (and not booking) is that I really want to see the biobay in Vieques and I cant figure out the logistics. Fly to San Juan first and go straight to Vieques and get a hotel and car there? Then fly back to San Juan and get a hotel and car there? Feels like a lot for a week-long trip with kids. Anyone have biobay tips for PR? Ive seen that there is a biobay option on the main island, but heard that it doesnt compare to Vieques.

        • Cat

          We did this trip – we flew direct to SJU then grabbed the puddle jumper to Vieques and rented there. Unfortunately the bio-bay was a no-go since they’d had rain that diluted the show, so I wouldn’t plan a whole itinerary around it, more like a nice-to-have if it works out.

          • Anon

            This–go to the mainland one. There are tours that pick you right up from your hotel. I am well-traveled, and well-kayaked, and it is still one of the Top 10 things I’ve ever done. Completely magical.

            And I went to the Fajardo one. It’s about an hour from San Juan.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          We have been to Vieques several timest. What we have done in the past to combine with mainland PR is fly into SJU, take puddle jumper over to Vieques (it’s easier to fly from SJU, but Vieques Air Link also runs flights out of SIG, which is cheaper. It’s about a 20 minutes cab ride between SJU and SIG), stay a few days in Vieques (yes, you need a car if staying more than an overnight. And get a real car, not a golf cart/UTV), take puddle jumper to Ceiba, rent car in Ceiba, drive to El Yunque rainforest for a day trip then back to San Juan. Go near a new moon for the best biobay experience, and get one of the companies with the clear kayaks.

      • OOO

        If you go to Sedona, I recommend Los Abrigados Resort. It’s a bit dated, but location is unbeatable and rooms have kitchenettes

        • Anon

          Isn’t Phoenix already too hot in April? We went in January and it was lovely weather to me then. Google says average high near 90 in April.

          • Anon

            It’s not too hot. Even in the high 80’s it’s still beautiful. As they say “it’s a dry heat” so the temps never feel as hot or as cold as they do in places that have humidity. And even if it is a hot week, the temps will be perfect for the kids to swim in a hotel pool, which at their ages is mostly what they want to do. You can hike or sight see in the morning, swim in the afternoon if it’s hot.

    • Anonymous

      Arizona is really fun with kids – what about Phoenix and the Grand Canyon? Also, what about Miami? You could do a Cuban food tour, some beach time, and the cool Vizcaya museum.

    • Anonymous

      Atlanta fits your stated wish list. Very easy logistics, reliably good weather (not too hot), and city activities. You could leave the city for some outdoor things. There is the Civil Rights Museum and MLK national Park site, the only zoo with pandas in the US, Braves games, soccer if you stretch to the weekend, Center for Puppetry Arts, the botanical garden, some big parks near those attractions, the Beltline and Ponce City Market, and more.

    • Mid West

      Columbus, OH. Hear me out — They have a terrific Science Center (COSI) for 6 & 9 year olds that you can spend all day at. They have Jack Hanna’s zoo. Hocking Hills is about an hour away, for all of your nature activities. Wright Patterson Air Force Museum is also about an hour away. The weather will probably be in the mid-60s… which is warm, but not hot. Spring flowers will be blooming… Get a hotel with a pool.

    • Runcible Spoon

      I’ve never been, but I hear San Antonio is an interesting place to visit with kids — the Alamo, Tex-Mex culture, and more.

    • Sunshine

      Palm Beach/West Palm Beach. Rates should be lower after Easter. Lots of kid-friendly stuff to do, including the beach!

  10. edj3

    To all the in house attorneys–thank you for keeping us from stupid mistakes that can lead to legal action. Even if my SVP doesn’t give a rip, I most definitely do.

    I just submitted 10 micro-learning courses to my company’s Legal & Compliance review as I never ever want to be named in a class action lawsuits.

    • Anon

      Hah, I just posted below at the same moment you did sending some love to trust and estates lawyers.

      Maybe we should do a lawyers appreciation thread? ;)

  11. Anon

    I’d like to send some love to trust and estates lawyers.

    My father passed away and left a badly drafted will. It was unclear how his assets were meant to be split between my siblings and I and his second wife. She pushed hard for an interpretation that would let her receive almost all of the estate. It caused us a lot of stress.

    I live in a jurisdiction (not the USA) where you can ask the court to fix a will that is badly written, and/or challenge the distribution if it is grossly unfair. I was lucky enough to find a fantastic estates lawyer who sorted it out. We reached what I consider to be a fair distribution. I am grateful for her advocacy, competence, and compassion.

    I’ve never had to hire a lawyer before, so maybe it’s obvious to most of you reading this, but omg good legal advice is so worth it. If you are wondering if you should try to save money doing up a ‘simple’ will, don’t. Losing a loved one is hard enough without the stress of legal wrangling while you are trying to process your grief. Pay what it costs.

    Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

    • Anon

      For T&E lawyers: how advanced is my situation? 2 teen kids, one has some limitations that make me want a spendthrift trust, which wouldn’t be a bad idea for both of them; would want to give spouse just an income interest for his life, with remainder held in trust for my heirs and relatives (there is some family drama back story there that is particularly egregious — would not want him remarrying and assets from me and my family going to people who are neither my children nor my relatives). Is this par for the course or do I need someone who can deal with a situation where it likely won’t be a joint representation (nothing is wrong with DH, but he has been struggling with his living will for 15 years and I just can’t wait on him any more).

      • Anon

        Estate planner here. If your husband is not wanting to do his estate planning, it makes things more complicated. Make sure your attorney discusses designating assets and how assets are titled with you. If your plan is putting everything into a marital trust, any assets that pass automatically to your spouse via beneficiary designation or is held as joint tenants won’t be subject to your plan. If the majority of a person’s assets are brokerage/retirement accounts and real property, beneficiary designations and titling can destroy a well-thought out plan.

        • Anon

          Agree with all of this. The other thing that stands out to me: one way to avoid the issue you are concerned about (your assets go to his new wife) is for him to have a prenup or to put things into trust if that situation arises. However, if he won’t get off his butt to do basic estate planning, that’s just not a feasible option.

          I also think you should talk to an attorney sooner rather than later if a substantial portion of your wealth comes from your family; depending on your jurisdiction, this may already be considered marital property. That might limit your ability to lock them up into trusts without his consent.

      • Josie P

        You need a T&E lawyer who will rep you solo, you need a will, revocable trust (with the built-in trusts for your spouse and then for the kids so they don’t squander it etc.), health care directive/living will and power of attorney. This is pretty standard and a good T&E lawyer should have no issues with it. (I am a T&E lawyer)

      • anon

        In your situation, I would just do the will and not put his living will in there (a separate document from the will anyway) until he decides what he wants later. You can add that anytime. I would just recommend he do is medical power of attorney now, if he wants you to be that.

        I actually think the “living will” discussions/options in our state are pretty confusing and can cause a ton of stress. This is particularly true, I have noticed, when very thoughtful (and anxious) individuals are trying to think through their options. Because in fact it is incredibly complicate to try to decide ahead of time what you want, as there is often a big grey area. And some people are so unhealthy in their 50’s that their health decisions may be different from a very healthy person in their 70s. The most important thing is having someone caring and thoughtful who knows you as your medical POA, who can handle the burden of thinking through your options. But some of the forms I have seen that are just crazy in complexity….

    • Anon

      I am going through this with an aging relative now, except the remedy in her jurisdiction is to invalidate the will and divide assets as if the decedent died intestate. I truly don’t know how to get through to her that her plans for DIY estate planning with all the bells and whistles she wants (that aren’t necessary and are inappropriate for her estate) is going to result in the whole thing being invalidated.

      Will she let me pay for an attorney? No. Will she just rip up everything she has now to save everyone the trouble of litigation? No. Even if I drag her to an estate planner, will she keep everything as it is and avoid the temptation to DIY later on? LOL no.

  12. Anon

    Any oscars fashion takes?
    Loved: Greta Lee, Margot Robbie
    Hated: Ariana Grande, Emily Blunt (those sequins below the waist ruined it!)

    • Balenciaga

      I haven’t seen NEARLY enough discussion about Michelle Yeoh’s dress(es) ? and I need someone to chime in! I knew it’d be Balenciaga after their November announcement,

      but I saw it as like, 2 dresses, almost like a 2nd dress being wrapped around the top as a shawl, with the straps of the 2nd dress as a train. But then the overhanging tag and back zipper at her bust?

      I want to hate the dress because it was so goofy, but the more I think about it, the more I love it

    • Anon

      I wonder with the large # of sheer tops, why do younger adult women chose this where older women and men get to be covered? I’m not sure what that says — that being covered is a privilege for all men but that we also couldn’t handle sheer tops for older women or any woman who wasn’t a typical size / build?

      • Anonymous

        I would like to see an analysis of the correlation between age and just general ugliness of dresses. My hypothesis is that the older one gets, the less she is willing to fall for an emperor’s new clothes situation.

        • Anon

          Not sure he’s a good reference — his career was built on WWE attire, which is not what I’d want for either gender. It’s not a look that is likely to age well (TBH, why should I even care about aging well from the perspective of a stranger’s gaze?).

      • Anon

        I don’t think there’s anything wrong with young women wearing sheer tops or whatever they want. My only concern if if they were forced or felt pressure to dress in a way that made them uncomfortable. I don’t think anyone forced Florence Pugh to wear sheer dresses though.

    • Anon

      My guess is Emma Stone’s stylist got her ass handed to her at some point last night.

      • Anonymous

        I actually loved Jennifer Lawrence’s dress. The polka dots felt really fun and fresh to me.

      • Anon

        Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was just . . . a reject from Project Runway? I don’t see anything that wide of the mark in the prom section of stores at my local flyover state mall.

        • Anon

          Exactly! Also flyover state and it looks like what people around me would wear to a middle school charity dinner.

      • Sasha

        I adored Jennifer’s dress! I thought the polka dots were such a fun touch and the asymmetrical sleeves were interesting

    • Anon

      America Ferrera looked amazing. Lupita Nyong’o knows powder blue is her color. Emily Blunt’s sequins look like she’s wearing a pair of tighty whities over her dress and I can’t unsee it. Issa Rae would look good in a burlap sack but I’m not a fan of the super high slit, it makes the entire skirt of the dress lay to the side like an afterthought.

      • Seventh Sister

        I thought was a lovely update of her Prada dress from her first Oscar appearance in 2013. Pale blue is just gorgeous on her.

    • Anon

      Margot Robbie looked beautiful but I don’t think black is a good color for her. At least not unrelieved black. I thought it dulled her usual radiance. There was a lot of black last night on women. More than usual maybe?

    • Anon

      I would like to know what it means to “refute our Jewishness.” (Jonathan Glazer, accepting an award for “Zone of Interest.”)

      • Don’t be that guy

        jfc did you watch? or want to read the full quote for valid discussion?

        “…Men who refute their Jewishness and the Holocaust being hijacked by an occupation which has led to conflict for so many innocent people…”

        • Anonymous

          I would suggest you watch the film. It was perfectly in line with the film (what he actually said, not the knee jerk interpretation from people not listening carefully) and you might find it enlightening.

      • Lily

        You’re taking those words completely out of the context of his entire statement. I’m hoping you’re not doing it intentionally. He said:

        “Right now we stand here as men who refute their Jewishness and the Holocaust being hijacked by an occupation which has led to conflict for so many innocent people, whether the victims of October the 7th in Israel or the ongoing attack on Gaza.”

        So he’s not refuting his Jewishness. He’s refuting the fact that his Jewishness and the Holocaust are being used to justify an occupation of Gaza.

        • Anon

          I would have said, “I object to my Jewishness and the Holocaust being [used in these ways].” I would never, as a Jew, utter the phrase “I refute my Jewishness” no matter what the rest of the sentence is.

    • anoncat

      Loved Leah Lewis.
      Agree with another commenter that there was too much black.

    • Seventh Sister

      Loved: Sandra Huller’s Schiaparelli, Zendaya in Armani Privé.

      Loathed: Emily Blunt (too complicated and fussy), Charlize Theron (washed out).

      Adored: Porché Brinker, the young lady who plays the violin in “The Last Repair Shop.” Soft blue puffy princess dress, holding on to that Oscar for dear life, and the purse! Beauty and brains.

    • Anon

      I loved Lily Gladstone. Gorgeous. As a Native woman, I was so glad to see representation at the Oscars this year.

      • Seventh Sister

        Me too! Especially the train. She’s so lovely, I can’t wait to see her in another movie.

    • A

      Loved: Michelle Yeoh, America Ferrara, Florence Pugh
      Didn’t like: most of the rest
      Weird: Emily blunt and her sequins outline below the waist

    • Digby

      I have a Built neoprene lunch bag that seems indestructible – I’ve had it for at least eight years. It’s capacious and machine-washable. They don’t seem to make my style anymore, but it’s similar in size and shape.to the puffer satchel.

    • biotech_boston

      LL Bean has some nice options; I use a rainbow tie dye print one for my daughter’s lunches.

    • editrix

      Zojirushi Ms. Bento or Mr. Bento. (I dislike sandwiches and like the creative challenge of filling four small containers.)

  14. anon

    For a variety of reasons, I find myself experiencing a “second adolescence” and am leaning way into it. I think a lot of it is is having grown up in an extremely restrictive environment that told me who I needed to be vs nurturing me in any way. I’m mid 30s, married and no kids. I’m curious what thoughts/recs the hive has on like different ways to do self exploration and self definition at this point in my life.

    • Anon

      I say lean in to the second childhood! Run around outdoors (try trail running). Splash in the pool with your kids.

      I guess it’s tempting to try to look back on your past and go all introspective, but the past is the past and honestly I think just running around outside like a kid is a better course of action.

      • anon OP

        I used to love swimming in the pool after school. I’m definitely going to do this when it warms up!

      • Life’s a ride!

        For me, the answer is spending all my fun-money on concerts, whether or not anyone is going with me !

      • Anon

        I have a friend whose husband was an early employee at a Bay Area tech company you’ve heard of. Now his “job” is being an acid trip Sherpa.

    • Daffodil

      One thing I’ve been wanting to do is go horseback riding. I’m glad you posted – I’m going to schedule a trail ride!

    • Anonymous

      Don’t force it or think too deeply about it. Also don’t dwell on the past or focus on what might have been, just start with a clean slate…

    • Anonymous

      Try all the sports and hobbies you were denied as a kid. Go to all the concerts. Get a dog.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Looking forward to not being at risk of a random directive to pee in a cup!

  15. Summer

    Actual fashion question! I work on the office side of a rather dangerous line of work – think construction, and I handle making sure the city permits are in line. Every year, my employer has a little memorial service for all our employees who died at work in the last year. I’m trying to figure out what to wear.

    1) It’s late April/early May, and the weather will probably be in the 70s and dry. I commute by public transit/walking, so whatever I wear needs to be okay to actually be outside.

    2) I will not be in photos or videos – space up front is reserved for the families, and I’m at one of the branch offices, not HQ.

    3) Our office is extremely casual, to the point where on normal workdays I’ll wear a fandom hoodie and jeans and that’s fine. People wander through in high-visibility jackets all the time.

    I’m leaning towards “black T-shirt, black dress pants, black dress boots”, but I guess I’m looking for reassurance that that’s all right. I also have a dark blazer that doesn’t really match the pants, but it’s close.

    • Trixie

      well, it sounds like this is a very casual office. Maybe the dress boots could be on the casual side, a low heeled bootie or a stompie boot. And the blazer? I’m not sure you will need it, but a contrasting blazer or a jardigan could work.

    • An.On.

      How about dark wash jeans and a black sweater? That way you’ll look solemn when sitting, and the pants won’t stand out too much. I feel like black dress pants and black shirt can sometimes look a little.. waitstaff/catering, if that makes sense.

    • Anonymous Grouch

      DH works in an industry that -can- be dangerous. Not multiple deaths per year, but certainly everyone is very focused on safety. When a co-worker of his died in an accident, the company allowed them to attend the funeral during work hours, and they wore suits out of respect for the deceased and his family, even though daily attire is company issued/logoed casual items (cargo pants, hoodies, etc.). I think going the extra step up in attire (add blouse to what you’ve planned ) is very appropriate.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t worry about this at all, since you’re merely attending. Do you think most of your coworkers will actually dress differently for work because of this event, or will most of them just come to the work event in whatever they usually wear to work?

      Personally, I’d wear my dark-wash jeans, a nice black top or blouse, and non-schlubby pair of shoes and call it a day.

  16. Anon for this

    How do you forgive yourself for a stupid but not disatrous money mistake? Anyone else been here? Partner and I have three kids. One of us golfs. One doesn’t. We joined a local country club thinking it would be a good way to meet people and would ecourage the partner who golfs to actually get out there and do it more. Turns out we aren’t country club people and it was just money down the drain each month. We gave it a year, but we’re quitting. This is definitely the right move, but in addition to losing our initiation fee, we’re also having to pay 6 months dues as an early termination fee. In the long run, we are doing to save money, but we should have never joined in the first place. This wasn’t a crazy expesive club, so we’re probably out a little less than $15,000 total including the intiation fee, dues for a year, and early termination.

    • Anon

      If this is a pattern, that is a problem. If it in unaffordable, that is a problem.

      If you didn’t enjoy it, but the whole thing made sense, that is not actually money down the drain.” You spent what *entertainment money* learning that you were not in fact entertained.

      If you took the family to a movie that got good reviews and you hated it, you wouldn’t hate yourself for spending $100 on tickets, popcorn, and snacks. Hopefully. You would just understand that every idea isn’t a winner. Same with trying a new restaurant. (I’m a runner and I sometimes view race registration fees as “whelp, that was $75 to learn that I do not actually like this race.” Wasted money would be doing it again, not the random times I simply didn’t like it.)

      If you go on a vacation to a new spot and it’s the best place ever, that’s money well spent. Sometimes, though, it’s a dud. The money you spend on the duds is part of the cost of finding the great places.

      You spent a decent chunk of change learning that you aren’t country club people. That happens. It’s okay. It’s part of the cost of finding out what you do like.

      • anon

        +1 as long as you have the money and isn’t financially ruined for trying these things out, then it’s fine. I pick up and then drop a lot of new hobbies as an adult, because I never got to do them as a child. Swimming, ice skating, guitar lessons etc. I figured I’m not musically inclined after all but I love swimming and would go multiple times a week. My family makes comments about money down the drain etc. but how am I supposed to know I won’t like something unless I try it out.

      • OP

        Fortunately, it’s not a pattern or unaffordable. Thanks for this framing! It helps.

    • Anon

      I try not to dwell on these types of financial mistakes. I like to say that my husband and I get one free financial mistake per year. Mine seems to be paying architects to design a big remodel and then moving for a new job. Yours is a big one but a small blip over the course of your adult lives. Just move on, and think about the money you won’t be dumping down the drain for the membership you didn’t need.

    • anon for this

      You give yourself grace that you made what seemed like a good decision at the time — and now, with more information, you are making a different decision. It was an expensive lesson but not a catastrophic one. You move forward, and learn from it.

    • Anon

      I’m a big believer that money spent on experiences is always worth it, even if you occasionally run into some duds. If it had worked out, you would have had a great time for months and years to come – that was well worth trying. There’s such thing as being so frugal that you’re not open to trying new things. Pat yourself on the back for putting yourself out there to try something and for knowing when to call it a day.

    • Anonymous

      Meh, it’s an expensive vacation you didn’t take. We paid $5500 out of pocket for a child’s medical stuff, not knowing if it would be covered. We decided the cost was worth it.

      Is it turns out, insurance covered 80%. We added a week back to our summer vacation (we’d shortened our trip thinking we wouldn’t have the extra cash).

    • Anon

      A financial mistake is a bad investment, this is an experience that cost money you didn’t like. Totally different.

    • Anon

      I feel like if you are sufficiently well off to even consider a country club, then you can afford the loss.

      • Cat

        You can have enough money to join a club and still have buyer’s remorse over a decent-sized outlay for something that didn’t pan out to be worth it to you.

        OP, I would be bummed too about the feeling of waste, but you just have to shake it off and focus on the fact that you’re not throwing good money after bad.

    • Anonymous

      I had to read your post twice and still can’t find your ‘stupid but not disastrous money mistake’. To me it sounds like you decided to try something you thought you might like, learned you didn’t and made the choice to cancel. So, more like an experience and lesson learned than a mistake, and not stupid at all. Plenty of people sign up and pay for things that they come to find out are not for them.

    • Anonymous

      Along with all the other good advice, I’d work on identifying and “replacing” the mindset you have that is causing you to be stuck on this. It’s something about:

      “I must never be stupid about money. I must never spend money on something that turns out badly. If I do, and I wind up wasting the money, I’m stupid and foolish and have made an unforgivable money mistake. I am not allowed to mess up with money; it’s a terrible moral failing.”

      Replacement: “No matter how hard I try, I can’t foresee the future. Some things I spend money on will not turn out well. It’s harder if that’s a $15,000 expense than a sweater that was pilled the second time I wore it. But either way, I will give myself grace to be human, to not get it right all the time, and to learn as I go. I’ll learn what I can so that I can take it into account with the next decision. But I promise not to beat myself up in the future for what I don’t know today.”

    • Anon

      I wonder if you could negotiate with your club to use this money for something else? For example, could they agree to waive someone else’s initiation fee, or use a portion of it to donate to a local school, or could you have some sort of partial access to the club? I imagine the sting of this cash is just that it’s ‘for nothing’ but maybe if there can be a creative ‘something’ it would no longer chafe.

  17. Anon

    I love juicy drama as much as the next gal, but my gosh, the attention a casual family photo of the royals has garnered amidst *waves hands at the world* is just too much. (I saw Catherine addressed it in on Instagram today…no good deed goes unpunished)

    • Anon

      When it’s being released publicly as the first picture of the Princess of Wales after surgery, it’s not casual. Honestly, I thought people were being ridiculous before, but this actually did make me wonder if something serious was up, because it was such a misstep.

      • Cat

        yeah, I wanted the world to respect her privacy for recovery too, but this is just weird. I can def see Kate wanting to improve Char’s hand placement if she’d been doing something odd with her hand, and do not care about photo integrity for that kind of small change, but if that was the only edit why the whole ‘kill notice’ drama? Makes no sense.

        • anon

          It was def more than the hand placement. Sweater patterns, where Charlottes sweater met the skirt, the shadows on the floor are out of line. Then there’s the second tier conspiracy stuff – weird looking hands (maybe over airbrushed?), leaves on the tree in March.

        • anon

          And the lack of any wedding/engagement ring. I understand not wearing the big sapphire on a “normal” day at home but she has a plain gold band

      • An.On.

        Yeah, posting an obviously and poorly photo shopped picture knowing that anything you send out will be more than usually scrutinized seems like a really dumb move. Doing nothing would have been better than this.

      • pink nails

        +1 I had the same thoughts this morning. It’s also odd for Catherine herself to make such a random misstep, which it made me wonder if she really isn’t doing well. It wouldn’t be so weird for me if one of the other royals got caught doing it, but Catherine has been so professional and on it the past few years that it seems out of character.

        I thought her apology on instagram was pretty perfectly pitched though.

      • Anonymous

        Right? I thought it was all ridiculous as well. But the photo in the car last week where it didn’t look like her was so weird and now the retraction. Just so strange.

    • Anon

      I don’t follow the royals and have no dog in this fight, but I couldn’t help but think (when I saw the Guardian article about the photo this morning) that an officially released photo being Photoshopped is absolute fuel on the drama fire.

    • Daffodil

      I hate that Catherine, who is healing from what must have been a really intense procedure, had to be the one to address it.

      • anon

        If you believe Kate is the one releasing statements just because they’re phrased in the first person, I have some beachfront property in Nebraska to sell you.

      • Anonymous

        This. She’s healing on announced timeline from what she has been unofficially known to have for years – Crohns.

        What do people want? Videos of her ostomy bag changes?

    • Anon

      I feel like the BRF does well when it does not feed the trolls. The picture seemed to be a response to the trolls (particularly on X, I have never seen such faux concern before in my life) and backfired. I hope that they won’t feel compelled to give the garbage on the interwebs any oxygen because that will feed it for the next time.

      • Anon

        It didn’t seem out of place to me. It was Mother’s Day, and they’ve often posted similar in the past. And Catherine is known to take many of the family photographs, so the explanation that she edited it herself (somewhat poorly) isn’t unbelievable. It’s a bit surprising that their “people” didn’t vet it/fix it up first, but I get the sense that Will and Kate have a longer leash than others, since they generally show good judgement and fall in line with the Crown

        • Anon

          What would need to be fixed on a kid’s hand? I take my family’s pictures for our xmas card and have never photoshopped or edited them (just decided where to crop). Little kids are generally perfect. I wish I had an “eye opening” wand, to deal with 3/4 people having their eyes open in an otherwise good shot, but would not waste time on a kid’s hands or leaves or shadows. You can fix that with cropping or adjusting what is in focus.

          • Anonymous

            I think Kate’s hand had bruising or swelling from IVs or steroid treatments that they were trying to hide and they messed up the photoshop.

          • Anonymous

            Agree. It’s like they photoshopped a healthy Kate into the picture because she is too ill to appear herself.

    • Vicky Austin

      Nah, they’ve made their own bed at this point. The editing was too obvious not to cause a stir and issuing a “kill notice” is pretty dramatic for some minor touch-ups, so they’ve basically tipped their hand that something weird is up.

    • Anon

      This feels a lot like the SecDef thing. In your desire to be a private person in a public role, you’ve caused an international firestorm that won’t die down. Instead, if you had just told the world what’s going on, everybody would have shrugged and gone about their business. See, King Charles – “Hope you’re ok, buddy! Now, what recipe did Beyonce post…”

      • Anon

        Right? “She is recuperating, as per our prior statement on this, and that is all we have.” Don’t feed the tr*lls.

      • anon

        I think twitter trolls are already saying she’s cold hearted for not issuing a statement telling people to stop with the conspiracy theories…

        • Anonymous

          IDK if she’s going around the country making money off speeches about how the press was so awful to her, it would fit in a line to say ‘and clearly this is still an issue with recent commentary on the Princess of Wales’ health’

          • anon

            that’s fair, but I can also see people being displeased with her mentioning Kate at all, particularly because they’re not exactly close.
            I’m not invested in either woman beyond the fashion, but my understanding is that people who dislike either tend to strongly dislike them so there’s not really anything that would be seen as “right” if the person is wrong to begin with.

      • Anon

        Ha well we had that one poster who was mad an Meghan for not releasing a public statement telling everyone to respect Kate’s privacy.

        I do think that the Royal Family must be (or at least should be) kicking themselves for not trying harder with Harry/Meghan. In their focus on a slimmed down RF, they now have barely anyone to lean on.

        • Anon

          Seriously. I don’t know who is making the PR decisions at the firm but they definitely need a fresh perspective.

          • Cerulean

            They need to hire whoever did Tom Cruise’s PR makeover from loony cult member who’s bffs with guy who disappeared his wife to gutsy stuntman who is super nice on set and has no trace of an actual personal life.

        • Anonymous

          Oh please. H and M wanted photo shoots and accepting free gifts. Harry carried barely any solo events and M had no clue what the job is compared to a celeb or politician.

          • Anonymous

            I actually don’t think they do a very good job compared to the Nordic royals but at least they get that the role is not celebrity who can accept free gifts or politician who can make policy statements.

        • Anonymous

          With Harry’s recent disaster on Indigenous issues in B.C., he would not be welcome by current Canadian govt for sure even if they took him back in the UK.

          Like dude our resident head of state is an INDIGENOUS WOMAN and you as a WHITE DUDE think you are the main character. Sit down.

    • Anon

      It’s not just internet randos reacting badly to the doctored photo. The AP basically had to label the photo as false. It’s a big deal.

      This is not a mommy blogger getting busted on altered photos on her socials (looking at you, Ree Drummond.) This is the future Queen of England.

      • Anonymous

        The Palace has done this multiple times before like when the wrong version of Harry and Meaghan’s Christmas card went out a few years ago.

        They did overreact with the retraction and should have just released the unedited photo even if the kids were wiggly or awkwardly postioned.

    • anonshmanon

      ok I finally looked up the actual pic and oh my have these babies grown up!

    • PLB

      I think it is a very intentional ploy to detract from attention and interest about C’s health issues, surgery, etc.

      When have we EVER seen Kate make a misstep like this?

  18. Anon

    What’s the right response when your religious and Christian (Protestant) SIL who is from Texas asks for your prayers due to illness and you are Jewish and atheist in the northeast? My typical response is to “send all my love” and say she’s in my/our thoughts. Is that going to be insufficient from her POV? I want to give her my love and support, but the prayers idiom is foreign to me. Should I just say she’s in my prayers (she knows I’m Jewish but I don’t go around talking about being atheist)?

    • Cat

      something like “absolutely! sending all our love”

      now is not the time to quibble with her over whether or not you are thinking vs. praying.

      • Anon

        +1. I’m an atheist and would have no problem saying “of course, praying for good news” and the like. I’m praying to the universe.

      • Senior Attorney

        Recently I was in Antarctica and a Facebook friend messaged me that her nephew was battling cancer and had asked for prayers from all seven continents. They were about to give up on Antarctica when my friend saw my posts from there. Even though I am as stony-hearted an unbeliever as you will ever find, you better believe I prayed my heart out for that little guy. I thought it was an honor to be able to give the family comfort in that way regardless of my personal beliefs.

    • Anon

      I feel like it’s the fear/illness speaking and she’s not saying it at you (and you, deep down, know this). How is there a response other than Yes to this? If you must, read it as “thoughts and prayers,” which you seem to be OK with (at least the thoughts part), but now is not the time for wordsmithing the words of another back to her.

    • Anon

      I’ve been an atheist for my entire adult life. I tend to send “warm, healing thoughts” or “good vibes.”

    • Anon

      SIL: Please keep us in your prayers.
      You: Of course, sending you all of our love and support. Please let me know if there is absolutely anything you need!

    • anon

      What I think I’m hearing is that you don’t want to lie to a family member who is going through something tough by misrepresenting your relationship to religion/praying. In this case, I think it’s more supportive to her to just acquiesce than to clarify that you don’t pray. Prayer and family both seem to be sources of support for your SIL, so I think the compassionate thing to do is to “of course, I’m thinking of you and sending love from *your state*” and if you’re able, you could ask about any logistics (maybe you can order grocery or food delivery). When it comes to tough situations like this, I think it’s best to focus on the spirt of the ask rather than the semantics so no need to use the exact word pray if that feels dishonest from you but no need to tell her that either. If the situation were reversed, I imagine your SIL would tell you that you’re in her prayers and while you may not pray, the sentiment there is that she cares and wants good things for you.

    • Anon

      Just say that you send love and support.

      I can translate southern Protestant into New Englandese (it’s a special skill); the short version is that she wants a prayer circle. Instead of talking about you and your prayer life, ask her about her prayer warriors down there.

      • Anonymous

        +1 from a westerner who lived in New England for years and now lives in the south and has a Texan lady pastor. It is a whole different language.

    • Anonymous

      Did she say this specifically to you or to a group?

      It seems awfully self-centered to criticize a person who is going through a serious illness for requesting prayers. Just say “thinking of you” or “sending lots of love” and move on.

    • Anon

      I have a similar situation with my dear elderly relatives. They take their religion very seriously and cluck their tongues in concern any time my atheistic lack of fervor becomes apparent.

      If they ask for my prayers, I give a non-answer and redirect. “All the best, from me and the whole family. And sentiments aside, what practical thing can we help with? What delivery service does your favorite restaurant use?”

      • Anoon

        lol at asking your elderly relatives what delivery service their favorite restaurant uses. talk about does-not-translate!

    • anon

      I was in a similar predicament and was comforted that one of the dictionary definitions of prayer is something like “deeply felt wish.” It is absolutely my deeply felt wish that my relative’s health improves.

    • Anon

      I think you are overthinking it. I’m also an atheist Jew in the northeast. I would just say you’re in my thoughts or prayers and sending love.

    • Anonymous

      Are you actually accusing your sick relative of being a racist and a religious bigot by asking for prayers?!?

  19. I hate junk mail

    I donated to a few charities at the end of last year and now am swamped with mail (and email, but you can more easily unsubscribe from those). A few mailers would be easy to ignore but the volume is ridiculously high (and some from climate oriented organization no less!) and some are clearly related to issues that are controversial in my deep red area (ex: the constant Planned Parenthood flyers after one $25 donation). I have not been able to get these to stop, even after trying to find a “do not contact me” option. It’s important to me to support causes that I think are doing good in the world, but the mailers after are donating even nominal amounts just don’t stop and it’s turning me off. Has anyone here successfully “unsubscribed” for physical mail? If so, please share how!

    • Anon

      I feel your pain and have the same issue with charitable and political contributions. It’s nearly enough to make me stop supporting everything.

    • Anon

      OMG yes. I have enough address labels to wallpaper my house, and a stack of blank greeting cards that come on repeat every few weeks from a climate-oriented organization that I truly do not remember ever donating to (and won’t for sure after seeing the amount of paper products they send out).

    • Anon

      I am fairly sure the ASPCA and St Jude’s spent more on mailing me things I didn’t ask for than they make from my occasional relatively small donations. It’s infuriating. And Wounded Warriors is absolutely the worst.

    • Anonymous

      I also feel your pain, but FWIW – the mailers show up because they are one of the very few things that actually work to generate meaningful contributions. My understanding is that the ROI on direct mail is higher than any other form of outreach. I also hate it, but try not to punish the organization for doing what works.

      This is not a solution, but you might consider sending a personal email to the development director at these organizations and just tell them that you don’t like the direct mail. I support a local criminal justice organization, which is small, and even though I don’t contribute a lot, they reach out to me and solicit feedback. A bigger organization won’t build a relationship with you the same way, but I bet they’ll still have some response and care about the feedback.

      • I hate junk mail

        I’ve heard the same, but I wonder how true that is now as I’ve heard that logic for 10+ years. Particularly as the tech savvier generation(s) age into their careers and have more money to donate. Frankly, I’m at the point where if I can’t select an option for “do not contact me by phone/email/mail” I’m not going to donate, and I imagine others are too so maybe the math on this will change soon.

        Thanks for that suggestion, I’ll try that!

      • Anon

        It probably works on vulnerable people who need the money more than the organization does, like actual scams do.

      • Anonymous

        I have had luck with sending a hand written letter. I thank them for their work, and explain that I will be happy to keep donating (just regular small amounts) but only if I never get another letter from them ever again. That has worked for me, now I only get one annual tax thing.

    • anon

      I’ve had some luck directly contacting the donor relations team. I give large (for me! not so much for the organization) amounts to just a few organizations annually. That might help, since they know they can count on $x from me once a year.

      • I hate junk mail

        Oh good to know! Maybe I can try that with orgs I’ve donated to consistently so there’s not that issue of donating a small amount but requiring individualized attention as if I were a major donor…

    • Anonymous

      I manage fundraising technology at a large nonprofit. I hate junk mail too but it is still an extremely reliable money generator (surprising to me personally but true).

      Contact the donor relations/services team by email and they’ll fix your database record so that you no longer get mail. You should probably also say you don’t want them to rent or exchange your info with other nonprofits.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Public Service Announcement for federal government employees: This is one of the advantages of contributing v ia the Combined Federal Campaign (CFC), which you can do throughout the year or as a one-time donation — your identity is anonymized when your donation is provided through the CFC to your charity of choice, which avoids unwanted junk mail and solicitations. You can do good deeds AND not be punished for it!

  20. Anonymous

    What does one wear to a blues-rock concert at a large theatre when it’s warm out? For this type of thing I usually wear black or gray jeans, boots, and a leather jacket, but it’s going to be over 70 degrees. I don’t have any “going-out tops” that seem right. I could wear the Michael Stars Wren dress with a jean jacket and sandals, but that seems too “daytime.” I am mid-40s, general style sensibility of “French ninja.” Ideas?

    • Anon

      Since I’m not in the band, I dress for sitting and standing comfort. For what you describe, I’d wear GG sneakers, a midi dress and a denim jacket. Warmer or cooler depending on the weather. Basically what you said and worried is too daytime, wouldn’t cross my mind.

      • OP

        That was a phrase someone here coined about four or five years ago. I adopted it immediately.

  21. Sasha

    Going to the grocery store tonight for the week and a bit bored with my meal rotation–what’s everyone’s favorite dishes for lunch and dinner as of late?

    • pink nails

      Pressure cooker beef barbacoa – recipe from Mason Fit

      “Homemade” pizza – with prepared pizza crust (we really like the Golden Home thin crusts), can pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese, pepperoni. From there DH and I make our own. For mine I make a quick little Alfredo sauce to put on mine, add peperoncini, fresh basil, and spinach. omg I love that pizza a lot.

      I cannot get enough of beef taco salads right now. I think I’ve had 5 in the last two weeks.

    • Vicky Austin

      I had a bag of brown rice in the back of the pantry that I had been trying to come up with a fun use for since New Year’s. Finally stumbled on it by way of Love and Lemons’ tamago kake gohan inspired rice bowls. I put a soft boiled egg, loads of scallions, some lightly blanched bok choy, seaweed squares, avocado, soy sauce, rice vinegar and sesame oil on mine, and it’s delicious. I’m obsessed.

      We also leaned into the nostalgia and had French bread pizza for dinner this weekend.

    • Anon

      I’m a bit sick of chicken thighs so I’m using more frozen fish. I’m not organized enough to go buy fresh fish every 1-2 days. Frozen wild caught sockeye salmon and frozen jumbo shrimp have been my mix-it-up heroes lately.

      Shrimp – scampi. Melt butter in plenty of olive oil on low heat. Add minced fresh garlic, then thawed and cleaned shrimp. Cook entirely on low until the shrimp are pink and curled up. I like larger shrimp for this. The sauce of oil, butter, garlic, and shrimp juices is absolutely delicious for dipping crusty bread into, or over pasta or rice. The key is low heat. Serve with lemon.

      Asian style bowls – rice (often brown rice either frozen from TJ’s or Uncle Ben’s minute brown rice), simply cooked fish, cucumber slices in rice vinegar and a bit of sesame oil, scallions, and avocado slices. A dressing of sriracha or gochujang in mayo on the side. We add other veggies to this depending on what we have on hand. A soft boiled egg would be good too.

    • brokentoe

      A favorite pasta dish – Rigatoni con Pepperoni. Sauté half a roughly chopped onion with a couple cloves of garlic until the onion is softened. Add a can of chopped tomatoes with basil & oregano and 1/3 -1/2 a package of sliced pepperoni that’s been cut in half. Sauté together while your pasta is cooking and a couple minutes before serving add about a quarter cup of heavy cream. Serve over pasta with parmesan cheese.

    • Anon

      I’m enjoying a creamy spinach salmon pasta (fettuccine, homemade peppery roux-based cream sauce), char siu sauce salmon w rice and bok choy, Allison Roman’s chickpea curry w Swiss chard and rice, beef and bean burritos

  22. Vicky Austin

    Just need to poll the community here: how often do you need to replace a phone charger? I feel like I’m constantly buying new ones and it’s getting old.

    • HSAL

      Almost never. I think we bought a couple extra long ones but otherwise we’ve only ever used the ones that came with the phones.

    • Anon

      It’s the cables/cords. The wall plug usually stays ok, but if the cables get bent and folded and stepped on or whatever, they give up after a while. I just replace that part from time to time.

      • Vicky Austin

        Oh yes – same. I should have clarified that. How often is “time to time” for you?

        • Anon

          It’s a thing I tend to put in Christmas stockings so maybe every year or every other year. I admit I buy whatever off brand Amazon has – I like the braided ones.

    • Cb

      I like the braided ones, I’ve had the best luck with the ikea ones. But yeah, they are annoyingly disposable.

      • Anonymous

        I bought braided ones from Amazon two years ago and they look like new.

    • No Problem

      I’ve had some last literally years, others that went dead within a few months (did not rebuy that brand). The actual Apple brand ones seem to last indefinitely, but the generic ones seem to last a year or two. And as someone else said, it’s the cord itself that goes bad, not the wall adapter.

    • Betsy

      I think I replace my phone more often than I replace chargers, so not often. Are these cords that you are carrying around with you or are they staying in one spot? I have chargers set up in the areas I need them and they typically don’t move around, so I imagine that is easier on them than it would be if I were tossing them in my purse or moving them around the house a lot.

      • Vicky Austin

        I can see that, but I don’t think I was moving them around the house a lot – carry it down the hall to my office every couple days, then carry it back to the bedroom where it lives the rest of the time…maybe that’s too much for it? I don’t know. I’ve always been rough on phone chargers though, and my phone is on the older side.

        • anecdata

          I have a really old Kindle that’s picky about charging cables, but it’s because the USB inlet on the cable is janky not the cord (a cable that stopped working with the kindle will work fine for other devices) – maybe something like that’s happening?

    • Anonymous

      When I get a new phone or iPad that requires a different wattage or cable. I just had to get new chargers because the newer devices require USB-C on the charger end, whether they take Lightning or USB-C at the device end. I did have a magnetic charger that died, but the plug-in ones seem to last until they are outmoded.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, you mean cables? Mine last 2-3 years. My teenager wears them out at the ends within a year. It depends on how hard you are on them. The braided ones seem to last longer, and the little rubber protectors for the joint between the cable and the connector help.

    • Anon

      Zero times, apart from buying a new phone and getting the new cord with it, which I do about every 3 years. And I still keep using the old cord, so I can have cords stashed around the house. They make super fast charging ones that I’m interested in trying, but I don’t “have” to replace any. Maybe because I now have so many that they don’t get moved around or bent into bags too much?

    • anon

      Basically never – I think I bought a 3 pack of USB C ones when that first came out (because I like different lengths) and still using them

      What’s happening to yours – they stop charging or the wires poke through or?

    • Cat

      I’ve had some for almost a decade – if they’re not strained when in use they last forever!

    • Anon

      Every 2-3 years at the most but my charger stays plugged in at my bedside table all the time.

    • Runcible Spoon

      Public Service Announcement: Try to stick with original equipment manufacturer charging cords, and not “off” brands from Amazon that are super cheap. Many are super cheap because they are not insulated, and are prone to catching on fire. Just pay the extra few dollars, and, as you can see from these responses, the cord is likely to last quite some time.

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