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Weekend Open Thread

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sleeveless blouse for for work from Milumia

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

We've featured this blouse before, because it's a great sleeveless top for work outfits — but it's also an easy piece for the weekend also. It's super easy to layer with cardigans, lady jackets, and more. I like how it's silky but washable, also.

The top is under $30 at Amazon, from one of the readers' favorite sellers, Milumia — readers also love this lacy sleeveless top and this basic short-sleeved blouse. The pictured top comes in almost 20 colors in sizes XS-3X, and has 1300+ good reviews.

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209 Comments

  1. I use a backpack for work, but need a little tote to put my sneakers/shoes in when I travel to New York (I wear the sneakers on the street and change to work shoes when I get to the office). The shoes don’t fit in my backpack. Tote doesn’t have to be fancy. Any recs?

      1. Interesting! The beige one is similar in color and style as the one I have now. I’ll have to measure mine and look at the size difference.

    4. Check out what Baggu has right now. I’ve used their canvas tote as well as their nylon fold out tote for this kind of thing.

      Or get a book tote from the Strand and use that!

    5. Do as city dwellers do and use whatever. Target’s semi-plastic reusable bag. Trader Joe’s bag. Any other cloth bag you have on-hand.

      1. thank you. I am so confused by this question. Cannot imagine buying something new for this when I have one thousand unused tote bags from events, conferences and stores sitting in my closet.

  2. How do you declutter things like wedding china? Share your mantras and other rationalizations with me…

    We got service for 12 of very expensive dishes and glasses for our wedding 13 years ago. We do use the dinner-size plates a lot, the servingware, and the big mugs, but everything else we never use. Tea cups, salad plates, pasta bowls… no. For all of our Waterford glasses they’re all stemmed, and I prefer stemless wine glasses these days.

    I know it’s worth next to nothing on the resale market, but also know that if I wanted to replace a piece it would be $$$$$, so I’m inclined to keep but maybe move somewhere else?

    2. You can put the china in a fabric zip case and tuck it away somewhere. We have ours at the back of a shelf in the guestroom.

    4. Quilted containers in the very back of your closet hanging out with the formal dresses you don’t need but won’t get rid of. At least for me.

    5. If you have space to store it and want to keep it, then store it. (I don’t know what “move somewhere else” means. Do you simply mean that you want to free up cabinet space in your kitchen? If so, of course make your space work for you.) But since you asked about decluttering, read on. There’s no rationalization involved, just recognition of facts.

      I have my mother’s china. One day I realized that I was owning it merely store it until the day the boxes could be taken to a thrift store where noone would want it. So I started using it for everyday, not worrying at all if I might chip or break anything or if the pattern might not survive the dishwasher. Better it be used and “used up” than sit in a box for decades and then go to goodwill. I particularly like the soup bowls (which are wide and flat) to use for grain bowls, and I use the desert bowls, bread plates, and tea cups for all manner of little snackish things. It’s a form of decluttering, but after using the china steadily for a few years now, I also wouldn’t hesitate to give it away or donate it.

      1. Your second paragraph is the answer that my mom reached as well. She donated the items that she did not use, such as tea cups, and she began using the pieces she did like, such as dinner plates, as daily use items. Yes, they got beaten up in the dishwasher, but she enjoyed them. I convinced my MIL to do the same a few years ago, and she is delighted to see and use these plates and bowls daily. I do not see any reason to keep dishes that you don’t plan to ever use. They become one more thing to move or have to clean out later. There may be someone who will be absolutely delighted to find them at a thrift store. And it’s okay to break up the set – this is not an all or nothing proposition. Keep and use the stuff you’ll use and donate the rest.

        For people getting married, reconsider whether you want to register for fancy dishware and lean toward getting casual daily wear instead. We have become a lot more casual as a society. Consider what you’ll use in your real life and not just in your imaginary life of uber fancy dinner parties that never really happen for most people.

    6. Our china lives in those zippered quilted containers in the attic until we need it. This is still extremely accessible for us, because the best feature in our house that I definitely didn’t know we needed until I had one is a walk-up attic. Never again will I buy a house with pull-down stairs to an attic. Never.

    7. Waterford stemware actually fetches a good price even now, as I found out a while back when my former husband failed to turn ours over to me as stipulated in our divorce settlement and I looked into replacing it. As for the dishes, I agree that “use it and put it in the dishwasher” is the best way to go.

    8. My mantra for decluttering is: Do I want my kids to have to deal with this when I die?
      After going through my in laws house after they passed, the answer is generally “No.”. And they were very minimalist, well organized people.

    9. Mantras:
      It’s absolutely fine to break up a set.
      You have no obligation to keep any of it, even though it was expensive or a present.
      Everyday life deserves the good stuff.
      Your actual life is more important than future what ifs.

      When you do use your dishes, how many people do you normally serve at the same time? 6 or 8? then it’s fine to keep just that amount, and get rid of the rest. You never use the tea cups? Get rid of those. If you have guests who want tea – it’s okay to use different cups! It’s okay to use different salad plates. If you break a serving dish, it’s okay to use a different style, you can get somebody else’s wedding dish from a charity shop.

      I have a small china cabinet for special occasions stuff. Similarly, a small place for special glasses, in the attic. One tiny box for the ones that are used twice a year, but that I do use and I do enjoy every time. Everything else is in regular use – or decluttered.

      1. But, be honest if you are klutzy before getting rid of extra plates… we buy extras as the lip over the dishwasher has bad habit of taking out plates.

  3. It’s my turn to pick a movie for family movie night tonight and am feeling uninspired. Suggestions for movies you’ve enjoyed that aren’t specifically a “kids” movie but are family friendly (kids are 4, 7, and 12)?
    I’m leaning towards a rom com or musical…. Past favorites of mine for family movie night: While You Were Sleeping, The Greatest Showman, Secondhand Lions, Next Goal Wins, Cool Runnings, Pride and Prejudice (okay- only the 12 year old liked that one, but it’s a favorite.) any Hallmark Holiday movie.
    We have HBO, Amazon, and Hulu.

    1. Have they seen Mary Poppins? Bedknobs and Broomsticks is also cute.
      You could also do some of the 80s/90s kids movies – Angels in the Outfield, Casper, The Addams Family, An American Tale, or ET?

      2. There are SO many ‘Buddies’ movies – Space buddies, Air buddies, etc. My kid was obsessed with them at about 4-5. They are really silly and dumb but the puppies are incredibly cute.

      3. Adding Homeward Bound, Little Rascals, Sandlot, and Mr. Poppers Penguins to this list.

        1. I rewatched Sandlot recently and it was a lot grosser towards women than I recalled it being. It would not be my first choice for a family movie.

    4. I would have said Bend It like Beckham but it would be a bit much for the four year old. Maybe go for some cheesy 90s classics like Beethoven?

      1. I recently watched Bend It Like Beckham with my teen and it has not aged well. I didn’t even remember the plot about the adult coach dating an underaged player, but it is truly cringe-inducing. Sadly I cannot recommend it as a family movie.

          1. She’s 17 or 18, so potentially underage and even if she’s 18, a coach dating a high school player they coach is wildly inappropriate.

          2. The legal age of consent in the majority of US states is also 16, but it doesn’t make a coach-student any less inappropriate.

          3. Unless the adult is in a position of trust or authority towards the young person. In the UK, Wales and Northern Ireland this specifically includes sports coaches.

            Even if this was not the case legally, please think before you comment in such circumstances again. So yucky.

    8. The Mitchells Vs. The Machines is quite cute. Kiki’s Delivery Service is on HBO and really sweet but not too dull for adults.

    11. Have you gotten into Pixar movies yet? Plenty of adult jokes sprinkled around that will just sail over younger kids’ heads.

    12. We watched National Treasure with my 11 year old the other day, and he was absolutely obsessed. The 8 year old enjoyed it, too, and we had to admit -it’s a really darn fun movie. Depending on your tolerance for (big detached) violence (and one particular sad part), Independence Day is also a big hit in our house.

      I’d second ET and Mary Poppins, and add Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Wonka was good, too!). We’ve also been watching Muppet movies lately -I’m a long-time fan. The 2011 one with Jason Segel and The Muppets Most Wanted were great.

      1. I really like almost everything about National Treasure except for Nicholas Cage’s completely random and gratuitous sexism to the female lead in early/middle scenes (speaking to her like a toddler). Just, why.

    13. My favorite movie ever: The Man From Snowy River.
      The Narnia series.
      Hustle, the Adam Sandler basketball movie, and I say this as someone who is not an Adam Sandler fan generally. I would rather stab my eyes out than watch Happy Gilmore.
      The Perfect Game, based on a true story about a Mexican Little League team in 1957. Such a good story.

      1. I LOVE The Man from Snowy River. But I don’t know that a 4 and 7 year old would like it. Maybe when they’re a bit older.
        Trying to think of movies from my childhood. Maybe Ever After?

        1. When I was a kid, I thought the actor from Man From Snowy River was so handsome. What about Black Stallion & Black Beauty?

    14. Have they seen A League of Their Own? The Muppet Movie (the original) is still fantastic. The Wedding Singer, The Princess Bride, Groundhog Day, Roxanne, Splash,

    16. My girls who are 6 and 9 (and who have no tolerance for anything even remotely suspenseful), absolutely love: Toturo, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Freaky Friday (both versions, but they especially loved the 1970’s version–which has honestly aged surprisingly well–although the high school crush part is going to be weird in either story), Parent Trap (the newer one), Yes Day, Family Switch, Alex and Me, Annie (the 2014 version), and Alexander and the Terrible Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day.

    17. Because I just recently saw it for the first time: My Big Fat Greek Wedding was cute and fluffy. Not current, but not horribly aged, either.

    18. Enchanted
      Bringing Up Baby
      Young Frankenstein (has some adult stuff but will probably go over their heads)
      Abbott & Costello movies – Hold that Ghost is my favorite
      Oklahoma!

    20. Princess Bride for sure! Our family also loved Willow. And for a comedy, you can’t beat Galaxy Quest.

    21. And if they haven’t seen The Sound of Music, it’s a must for anybody who loves movie musicals.

    22. McFarland USA is a great movie if you haven’t seen it. Inspiring and a true story.

      1. I love this one but be aware that it has a jarring incident of violence that comes out of nowhere.

    24. Honestly the Trolls movies are good. I have zero children and have watched all of them (I think there’s 3 or 4?) by myself and enjoyed them.

    26. Your 12 year old might scoff, but I genuinely enjoyed both the new live action Little Mermaid and the recent Lyle the Crocodile movie, and they’re perfect for 4-7 year olds.

    28. This is me sometimes too! Sister Act, Make me like Mike (maybe a different name? It’s about a basketball star and a kid with magic trainers), Matilda the musical. Yea day but it’s quite kiddy. If you’re ok with it, Uncle Buck is really good, and any of the old Carry On or Monty Python movies.

      1. My kids liked Uncle Buck, but there is a story line with the teenager and her boyfriend and him trying to get her to do things she’s not comfortable with that brought up some uncomfortable conversations with my 8 yo and scrambling to how to explain it in an age appropriate way. So, ymmv. I think it went over my other (older) kid’s head, so depends on the kid. (And it’s not in a sense that it hasn’t aged well, Uncle Buck gets his vengeance which actually helped explain why it was so wrong and shown that it was taken seriously, so I guess there’s that).

  4. That story in the WSJ about birth rates is so interesting but reminds me that the Republicans in power don’t appreciate that childcare is so so expensive and pregnancy is downright scary these days. During the SCOTUS argument a day ago they said if a woman “only risked losing an organ” (or something like that) it didn’t trigger the mother’s life portion of the TX statute. And they want to ban birth control after this!! I’ll keep my legs closed, thanks.

    2. I work in consulting. There are multiple posts every week on our internal channels about how hard it is to find daycare/nannies, and what to do when you work 8-6 but daycare closes at 4:30/5. These are very smart, well paid women who are shocked(!!) at the cost of childcare in big cities, the fact that it’s not open 12 hours a day, and that someone still needs to stay home with the baby when it inevitably gets sick.
      I’m older, with a tween and a teen and no local family. When I get asked about how I worked straight through without taking a few years off I feel like the embodiment of that TikTok meme ‘I don’t know how I did it, I just did it, it was hard!’ Tina Fey had it 100% right when she wrote that multiple children are a status symbol among wealthy people – ‘look how many private school tuitions I can afford!’.

      2. This is in part why my bf and I decided not to have kids. We live in the NYC area and do not make nearly enough to live comfortably while raising kids. Not only do you have to pay for child care but also college, after school activities, clothes, food, housing, etc. There not much left for the parents to actually enjoy in terms of time and money.

          1. You don’t have to, but a lot of people want to. My husband and I both have parents who paid for our educations and I wouldn’t feel ok about having kids and not being able to pay for at least in-state public college (barring unforeseen circumstances like a health crisis that forced one of us out of the workforce). It was one of the reasons we stopped at one kid.

          2. Except that college is so ridiculously expensive now that it’s not like taking out a loan back in the day. You don’t have to help, but it’s seriously going to weigh on that kid’s future prospects unless something starts to change.

          3. Of course you don’t have to pay for college but if you can give your kid a better life then of course you should! If I had kids I’d absolutely feel pressure to save as much as possible and feel guilty every time I spend money on myself instead of their college fund.

    3. We just secured an infant daycare spot for $2100 a month in the San Francisco Bay Area and feel like we got a screaming deal. It’s crazy out there. The daycare closest to us is literally over 3200 a month and only provides care starting at six months old.

      1. That is an amazing deal. We paid $1800 in the LCOL Midwest five years ago. My Bay Area friends mostly paid $3500-4k.

      2. Annual (10 month) tuition at our private pre-K is $7,000 per year, plus an extra $1,500 for aftercare, plus $1,500 for full day summer camp. Just about nine grand a year. LCOL area, Midwest, and unfortunately, our salaries are also pathetically low.

    4. The same jerks who think every woman has to churn out kids until one kills her are trying to get rid of no fault divorce and trying to limit parental support following a divorce.

    5. Left up to this conservative, tax credits for parents would be a LOT higher. Dependent care accounts? Limit of $25k per year, not $5k a year. Double or triple the child tax credit. Offset with a sharply progressive tax increase.

      The daycare situation is now just such a cluster. Between that and the formula shortage of a couple of years ago, I’m shocked anyone is having kids.

      1. Rather liberal voter who agrees with you completely on this issue. I’d throw in universal free preK with hours bear some passing resemblance to regular business hours.

        2. It really annoyed me a few years back that a lot of progressives were talking so much more about free college than free childcare. My daughter attended daycare at a public university and her “tuition” as a toddler and preschooler was significantly more than in-state undergrad tuition. And there are loans for college but not daycare!

          1. I also find this irritating, though I guess progressives are playing to a constituency where they have a lot of traction. People of all political stripes use childcare.

            In my area, the only childcare relief anyone wants to discuss is for people with very low incomes. I’m grumpy as heck today, but my local progressives only seem interested in proposing social programs for people they feel they can control. Having more middle-class and upper-middle-class people in public schools would mean they’d have to deal with middle-class parents who feel empowered to disagree with them.

        3. If I could wave my magic want, I’d place daycares/preschools (infants through pre-k) on elementary school campuses. Then families could have all the kids at one location, developmental services for 0-3 would be onsite, kids would have continuity and longer relationships with other kids in their year, meals would be provided, and it would all be covered by tax dollars. Of course that’s caveating that we’ll pay the providers/teachers a lot more and require more training.

        4. Ironically, the problem with universal pre-K is that it would make infant daycare even more expensive. The older kids offset the younger kids in terms of cost: state mandated ratios are a lot different, and they don’t need cribs and formula warmers and milk fridges and all that. Lose the older kids and it would skyrocket infant tuition.

          1. Yes, but this is a solvable problem. When my kids were in daycare, the daycare actually received funding to subsidize/staff its preK classroom. This program went away a few years ago in my state, which I really think was a shame.

      2. Those tax breaks will help the middle class but still keep childcare out of reach for minimum wage earners.

        1. LOL. I started typing up a response with all that is wrong with your assumptions, and then decided I had better things to do with a Friday afternoon.

        2. Yeah exactly – the tax breaks only help if you have the money in the first place. I would even say upper middle class more than middle. Even if you earn lot more than minimum wage, it can be nearly impossible to pay $50k+ per year on childcare which is what daycare for two kids costs in a lot of places. I live in a lcol area where salaries (and housing costs) are pretty low. Most people here with kids under 5 spend more on childcare than they do on their mortgage, and I know many college-educated women who left the workforce because their after tax salary was less than childcare.

          1. Republican policies still treat all minimum wage jobs as part time teenager jobs. That’s not the reality and hasn’t been for a long time, thanks to the widening wealth gap and the shrinking/disappearing true middle class.

        3. That is exactly why the conservatives prefer tax deductions, tax-free accounts, and non-refundable tax credits over subsidies or direct provision of benefits.

        4. Minimum wage earners shouldn’t be paying for childcare.

          The tax breaks for childcare should be generous but they should have much better provision for the costs of childcare when you have disabled children. I have two ASD/ADD high functioning children. I am still in need of full time childcare and the cost is $50k a year. I also pay $30k in school fees (catholic school thank goodness but its going to increase to $90k for high school). The tax code does not take into account any of these additional costs that come from having disabled children.

          I earn enough but I remain very concerned about my retirement because I am saving for myself and two children who will probably work minimum wage jobs themselves at best.

      1. Right – I think for them, women having to stay home due to not being able to afford childcare is a feature not a bug

    7. If you want to make a radical choice (see yesterday’s thread), stop having PIV with men until abortion rights are restored. It’s already life and death for women in Idaho who don’t want to get pregnant. I can’t even contemplate rape in those states.

      1. This is such a flip suggestion, and I hate it when people say it.

        I’m not sure how it will help if I, a woman who can’t bear children, stop allowing MYSELF to feel that pleasure with my (male) partner who already votes for abortion rights, donates to clauses, signs petitions, and talks to people he knows. Also, a lot of the men who are anti-abortion don’t exactly respect a woman’s right to say no.

        1. Most women experience less pleasure from PIV than other forms of sexual pleasure. For them, it would be a boon to spend more time on other things in addition to being much safer. Obviously your personal experiences might vary. It’s absolutely not a flip suggestion – engaging in more opportunities to become pregnancy can be life-threatening and there are other options for sexual pleasure, including toys.

          1. Eh I like it even if I can’t finish from PIV. But yeah, no PIV with anti-choice men for sure!

        2. If enough women, including married women, made this choice then the men might have to change their tune.

          1. Bu you know this will never, ever happen in reality especially amongst women married to men that need their tune changed.

  5. I will be experiencing a lot of life changes in the next 6 months: Graduating law school, studying for and taking the bar exam, moving (which include moving in with a SO for the first time), and starting a new job in biglaw. Tips for staying sane through any and all of this?

    1. Congrats! That was me in 2010, down to moving in with SO. He’s still my husband. :)
      The bar is very manageable if you’re able to study full time and don’t have to work at the same time. My bar summer was actually one of the most relaxed summers of my life. Plan a fun vacation afterwards; even if you’re on a tight budget you can go somewhere in driving distance.

      For big law, don’t get caught up on spending a lot on clothes or cars or vacations, but DO spend money on things that will buy you time – cleaning service, meal delivery, etc. Your time is worth a a lot now.

      1. You can do it!

        Bar advice- treat it a job rather than all-consuming burnout. I did my studying while my SO was at work, then at night we relaxed.

        Hopefully you are planning something good for between the bar and Biglaw — being able to travel unf-tt-red by work looking for you is such a short-lived stage!!

        Biglaw advice- look up average salaries for in-house positions with 5-10 years of experience, and set yourself up to be comfortable living at that level long term. Sock everything else away, whether that means paying off loans or investing. My husband took on more of the “house running” during that stage of my career, like on Sunday afternoons when I had 2-3 hours of work to do to prep for the week, he ran to the grocery store and cleaned the bathroom so that the two of us could have max downtime together. Yes, he’s a great partner!

        Be careful of saying “oh but it will save me time and my time is worth $500 an hour” like not exactly, you are salaried, you don’t get an extra $1000 if you work two hours instead of cleaning your own apt.

        1. I would argue that initially you should live on significantly less than an average in house salary for someone with 10 years practice, especially if you have loans.

          1. Oh I agree with you- the point that got lost was that as you’re planning long term, like choosing an apartment or house or car or other big-ticket purchase, don’t buy it based on the Biglaw salary scale, but instead on where you anticipate landing in-house. With associate salaries STARTING at over $200K now, it should not be hard to save all the bonuses and not ramp up spend with each year’s ~$25K raise.

    2. Take it one step at a time. Taking the bar, moving in with an SO and Biglaw are all MAJOR changes! Focus on one thing at a time. Take the bar and then relax. Maybe go on a post bar trip. Give yourself enough time to get settled in your apartment with your SO. Make sure your SO understands everything that goes into BigLaw. It can do a number on a relationship.

      1. He’s going into biglaw too. Can’t decide if that’ll make things easier or harder haha

        1. woof, easier to understand, but doubly hard for you to make reliable plans together. I found Saturday nights were the only “safe” night for plans and even then if a deal is hot…..

          1. Yeah that’s what I figured. We’re both doing litigation. Does that make it easier at all?

          2. it depends on the practice area and specific practice groups vary wildly, but if I had to generalize, yes litigation is better in that regard. it’s generally more predictable and the court’s procedures and hours give some natural boundaries and ability to plan ahead.

          3. As juniors not really since odds are you may be pulled in last-minute for relatively interchangeable help on giant projects (like discovery for litigation or diligence supporting an M&A deal), but as you get more senior and more deeply involved in fewer projects, perhaps.

          4. I think litigation is probably better in that regard. Other than a couple weeks right before trials, I never really had work I had to do at specific times on weekends. I worked (from home) for large chunks of many weekends, but I generally had a reasonable amount of say about when, and I could take a break and go to dinner with my husband.

        2. Harder, unfortunately. My husband was in grad school when I was in big law, so he could plan around my schedule and also did a disproportionate share of the housework. You’ll need to outsource a lot, but with two big law salaries you’ll have plenty of money to do so.

    3. You’ll be fine! This was me 11 years ago.

      Not quite your question, but one piece of advice for the long term re BigLaw- carefully consider which practice you go into. I went into a very very niche field that I loved at the time and is/was very prestigious, but I burnt out fast and found that my exit opportunities were limited because I had picked such a small field, with skills that were not directly transferable to other legal fields (at least for hiring purposes). It made it very hard to get out of the BigLaw setting (I’m now happily in government, but it took a while). Keep your options open!

      Compared to my first year in law school and then working in BigLaw, the period you’re in now is a piece of cake (stressful at the time, I know, but try not to stress too much!).

  6. Menu planning help! What would you serve when hosting a celebratory dinner for 8 people? No dietary restrictions, but fish is not preferred by this group. I’m not a great cook, but I can follow instructions with pretty good success usually. Thanks in advance for any ideas!

    1. I can’t cook either and I always serve pasta. Lasagna or stuffed shells are pretty easy.

      1. +1 a lasagna is my go to. Easy to make ahead and time out for cooking, and it’s better if it sits for a little while after coming out of the oven so it’s time forgiving as well (major factor in events with my mom and sister…). Add garlic bread and an easy tossed salad and you have a perfect meal.

        1. I did a lasagna for my most recent birthday party. I mentioned it here and someone was pretty snooty about it, but I can tell you there were no leftovers! I tend to do spinach lasagna because there are a couple of mostly-vegetarian eaters in my crowd.

          2. Yeah it bummed me out for a second but then I remembered that my real life friends aren’t assholes.

          3. I’ve also posted about my spinach pesto lasagna and been told it’s too basic for a dinner party. But it’s one of the most popular things I’ve served.

    2. A nice roast chicken can be easy and delicious. I also like doing a citrus-y and/or spicy pork loin recipe like the one below. Not sure if you’re responsible for sides, but roasted potatoes are very easy. For veg, this time of year I usually like to do a big green salad and roasted asparagus with balsamic dressing.

      Ice cream or pavlova with fruit and whipped cream work for dessert

      https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/citrus-chile-marinated-pork-tenderloin

        1. I have made this for years and years. perfect entertaining meal. Hands off and the house smells incredible. I serve it with a gorgeous Radicccio and Orange salad from Martha Stewart. the acidity is a nice balance.

    6. I am a big fan of the Costco rotisserie chickens and Caesar salad.

      I’ve done pulled pork, coleslaw and Costco mac & cheese before which went down well. You can make the pulled pork in a slow cooker ahead. I just hate pork with a passion.

      You can never go wrong with assembly line tacos. I did mahi mahi, chicken (Costco rotisserie) and steak with bowls of guac, plain yoghurt, salsa and shredded lettuce. I do a side of dirty rice, beans and a huge green salad. Its all store bought with the exception of the fish, steak, rice and beans.

    1. Thanks. The style is sending me back decades (which may be a circle to today), but as someone who regularly spends weekends away at her BF house, this kind of bag could be a solution to a minor problem, at a pretty minor price.

  8. Those of you who host at your house, what is your best hosting advice? How many people do you host at a time?

    1. Get into a habit of inviting people over for something simple, so you do it regularly and get lots of practice. If you feel like everything has to be perfect and elaborate, it’ll rarely to never happen.

      1. I agree with keeping it simple – most people are just happy to be invited and not be the planner. Another big tip is to let people bring something, people they will often ask if they can – let them! I often say ‘bring whatever you like to drink,’ (which saves a lot of money on alcohol, etc.) or let someone do dessert.

    2. Don’t slave over the meal. One central cooked item like a tray of chicken legs with veggies or a lasagna will be fine. Appetizers tend to be fussy but everyone will love little bowls of olives and nuts and a small cutting board with a few blocks of cheese on it just as much. I tend to put out those seeded crackers rather than a baguette, as people tend to like those better. Maybe some grapes.

      Open a bottle or two of wine, have some beer bottles in the fridge, and a pitcher of ice water or some Perrier or LaCroix in the fridge.

      People want to see you and hang out with you. They do not care if your house is perfect. Your table and kitchen should be clean but you don’t have to obsess about the baseboards in the den or whatever before having people over.

    3. Two other couples, for a total of six, is very manageable. Three other couples is more festive but also seems like a LOT more work.

      I like to do a theme — maybe the cuisine of a country we just visited, or movies if it’s Oscar season, or just a type of cuisine: Indian, Mexican, Italian, you name it. I like to make a pitcher of a signature cocktail and have it ready when the guests arrive. Martinis, negronis, margaritas — whatever fits your menu.

      Agree to let people bring something if they want to — I often ask for “a light appetizer” or dessert, as those are not really my area of interest. If I really don’t want them to bring a dish, I ask them to bring “a good attitude and a hearty appetite.”

      Speaking of appetizers, I’ll often do just a small dish of nuts, some grapes or figs, a little cheese and something starchy (crackers or snack mix) and call it a day. People don’t need to fill up before dinner. If you want something (seemingly) more elaborate, you can’t beat a shrimp cocktail. I like to roast the shrimp a la Ina: https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/roasted-shrimp-cocktail-recipe-1943915

      It’s easier to plate the plates in the kitchen than to serve family style at the table, even though that seems counter-intuitive. Too much danger of burns, spills, etc., plus the table doesn’t look so crowded and the food stays hot.

      We have 750ml glass bottles that we fill with cold water and put on the table for guests to help themselves.

      Try to work the timing so you’re ready half an hour before the guests are expected, so you can pour yourself a drink and relax a little before they arrive. It’s no fun to be rushing around until the last minute.

      1. I once read a tip from Clinton Kelly, of all people, that said the first guest to arrive can feel awkward, so he suggests saving a task so the host can say “thank goodness you’re here. Can you help me with this ____?” I have done this every time I’ve hosted since reading it.

        1. I make sure a playlist is running before people arrive. That way there isn’t awkward silence for the first few. Also nostalgia playlists like 90s one hit wonders make for good conversation starters.

        2. Great idea! I will try that out!

          And we always have music going before the guests arrive.

    5. Agree with above, keep it as simple as possible. If you are cooking, try to make something that doesn’t require a lot of last minute touches or continual cooking work (ie lasagna, not grilled cheese).

      I live in a small city house, so I have an extendable table with self storing leaves and folding chairs in a closet. I love that I can be ready to host more people without sacrificing a ton of space day to day.

      Try to think about how you feel when invited to someone’s house – you probably are not feeling burdened or planning to judge everything about your host and their home. You are probably touched that you warranted an invitation into someone’s home and life.

      Also, I think someone here recommended the art of gathering, which is a great book on the soft skills side.

      1. Oh and as for number of people – I usually host 5-10 other people (including kids) for dinner but have hosted over 50 for a cocktail party.

    6. do it a lot. We have another couple or family (2-5 guests) at least every week, a big dinner (10-12 guests plus our own family) every two weeks, and overnight guests (1-3 guests) at least once a month. At first nothing went well but now we can do it without thinking about it and it’s just a normal night.

      We have a tiny kitchen and dining room that are not set up for entertaining and we just invite people anyway; no one seems to mind.
      If there are more people than can sit around the table, we use trays so people can hold plates on their laps in the living room or wherever else.
      When people spill (inevitable) we give them the spray and paper towels and they manage it themselves, nbd.
      We set up the food in the kitchen (can keep things on the stove to keep warm) with a beverage station elsewhere (usually just water in a Brita dispenser, but if people bring wine they put it there too) and do a lot of meals with separate components so that if someone is GF/DF, or doesn’t like onions, or whatever, they can just leave that component out.
      Start the meal with grace (up to you but feels nice to have a toast or some acknowledgement of “we are all here together, grateful to be here and now we are starting”), then feed kids first.
      It is nice to have some little dessert but chocolate covered almonds or a package of oreos work just as well as an elaborate cake (and I love to do elaborate cake).
      Having a theme is fun/feels meaningful. We are religious so do a lot of saints’ days and say, “we are having X in honor of Saint Y” – but that is usually the extent of the “theme”, doesn’t have to be elaborate – we also do lightly seasonal themes or will say, “the glazed carrots are for , who’s heading back to Princeton this weekend for her college reunion!”

    7. Make it easy on yourself. An elaborate meal is worthless if your guests can tell you’re stressed. Pick appetizers that can sit on the counter for half an hour before guests arrive, with maybe one hot appetizer that requires minimal attention (microwaved spinach and artichoke dip, a flatbread you can pull out of the oven). Set up a self-serve drink station so you can direct your guests away from the kitchen if you’re behind schedule. Have all the glasses, mixers, garnishes, corkscrews, ice, and jiggers for them. Select a menu that doesn’t require careful timing toward the end. A big salad, an entree that has vegetables built in (pasta bake, a roast with veggies underneath), and a warm baguette with softened butter is plenty. Use dishwasher safe items whenever possible. Run your dishwasher that morning, do your hair and makeup a few hours before guests arrive, and have a drink during the last minute preparations.

      1. +1 to all this.
        Also I started asking for serving stuff for holidays after we got married. It’s easier to host when you have plenty of platters/serving dishes and it makes it easy for family to buy for you.

    8. I hosted the most in my 20s in NYC in a tiny studio apartment because we were all poor arts grads and it was cheaper than going out. People are generally happy to be invited!
      Make sure the guest bathroom and your downstairs is reasonably clean (I’m not mopping the baseboards but I put out clean towels, empty trash cans, light a candle, etc.)
      Get the apps from Trader Joes or put out something small for people to pick at – save the money for the main meal. I like ‘set it and forget it’ meals – roasts, crockpot stuff, or grilling with the sides made the day before. Many sides are great at room temperature so you don’t have to time everything precisely. People are most charmed when I serve old-fashioned classics they remember fondly – brisket and egg noodles, lasagna, homemade mac and cheese, sliders, etc. Mostly – try to make it as easy on yourself as possible so that you can be present with your guests. Enjoy!

    10. We host very casually, but we host all the time (Bible study every week, dinner party at least twice a month). Normally 8-12 people + at least 3 dogs (no kids yet in our friend group).
      I’ve found that the best food options are make-your-own whatever. This accounts for dietary restrictions but also food preferences. Popular meals I’ve done: pasta with choice of 3 sauces and various toppings, burgers with all the fixings laid out, butternut squash soup with choose-your-own-mix-ins, taco/burrito/nacho bars…see what I mean? Generally I supply the main, then people will “sign up” to bring apps/chips/salad/dessert/sides and drinks to share. I also use compostable plates/cutlery/cups since we don’t have a dishwasher. Some people sit at the table, some people sit on the couches, some people sit on the dog (oh wait, that was only once…).
      It’s a lot of fun! But my friend group is also great and appreciates the casual and relaxed vibes.
      Now a fancy party or Thanksgiving….that’s a whole ‘nother story. Let’s just say that everyone in my house knows to respect The Almighty Schedule.

    11. I really love hosting and having people over. I’ve found a really easy formula, and my friend group is into potlucks. I pick a vague theme (dumplings! spring! etc), make a couple main dishes, and then ask people to bring smaller ones. I think people look forward to it actually – once when I announced a party + theme but hadn’t meant to ask people to bring anything people were happy to.

      I always have a similar set up for how I organize my apartment, where I put the drinks etc. So there’s less of think about. I’ve hosted a lot of people, 8+ in a 1 bedroom apartment.

      I usually have something like chips or cheese and crackers for people to nibble on. Not a formal appetizer but just something when they come in. I’ve started having a drink or something to give people when they come in. One thing I’ve started doing is making a mocktail that alcohol can be added to so that it accommodates everyone.

      So many of my friends have said they want to host but are intimidated out of it. It doesn’t need to be perfect, people just want to come and hang out and meet each other. Sometimes I have a vague party game idea in mind, like Monikers. I play music on a little portable speaker I have.

      1. My gateway to entertainment was bagels brunch on the weekends. It’s very easy to get a dozen bagels, some cream cheese, lox and various toppings and invite people over. You can make coffee, drinks (boozy or not), throw in some fruit and yogurt for whoever wants, and it’s all easy to have ready way before anyone arrives. Also easy to clean up and you can do it on Sundays without affecting your Monday morning.

        Another easy option is to invite someone to come for pizza night. No cooking required.

        1. Good comment. Everyone loves bagels. That was my go-to for anything up to around 2pm for years. Birthday parties, family in from out of town, you name it. Gobbled down instantly.

  9. Speaking of totes, above. I’m looking for a lightweight tote for groceries that can be worn backpack style. I have a shoulder injury and no matter what I do, carrying a regular tote home from the produce mart, which is about a mile away, really hurts my shoulder. Also makes my hand carrying the tote go numb.

    I will be aware of buying lighter items in the future but I’m still looking for a backpack style that doesn’t weigh much.

        1. Why not? People of all ages use granny carts (despite the name….) in Philly. No sense hurting yourself!

          1. To be honest, because it’s sort of an exercise walk for me and I walk briskly – but with that cart, if I walked behind it like a stroller I’d be kicking it all the time, and if I pulled it behind me like a wagon, that would further hurt my shoulder.

          2. Okay then you’re buying too many groceries at once if even that is too heavy for you.

    2. Would a backpack cooler or a normal backpack suffice? I see people using backpacks as grocery bags all the time.

      1. I don’t need a cooler, it’s mostly just fruit and veg and maybe a loaf of bread. Lightweight is the most important thing.

    5. I use those little drawstring nylon bags they give out at 5k races for my farmers market visits. They seem a bit stressed when loaded with melons and winter squash, but haven’t given out after 3 summers of weekly use. I like that they are small enough to keep in my pocket until needed, so they definitely hit your lightweight requirement.

    6. Patagonia makes a great one – the Black Hole Tote Pack. It’s very light weight and packable but super sturdy.

  10. Genuine question. If you’re often the smartest person in a room, how do you expose yourself to people smarter than you? Preferably in ways when you build relationships (not just going to lectures, reading, etc.). I’m a lawyer, I chair two practice groups at my midsize firm. I have a fantastic, deep and broad friend group. Casual friends make life sweet. My best friends (deep convo friends) live in three different countries – they are surgeons, CPAs, a bridge -building engineer, a nuclear physicist, an farmer, and a stay at home mom with a former financial compliance executive job. They’re wonderful. But/and I crave more and different intellectual stimulation with or from people. How can I build this as a middle age adult?

    1. Go learn something new, where you’re definitely not “the smartest person in the room.”

      1. This
        Or as a lawyer, be open to learning from the finance person, the marketing person, the operations person… I am sure you’re the smartest legal mind in the room! What other ways are people smart?
        Also do you appreciate non-academic smartness? Are you the funniest person in the room? The best speaker or presenter? The most social? The best person to value diversity or explain things?

      2. Agreed. The actual smartest people I have ever known would never have written something like this.

      3. Yes, thank you for saying this!!! This is how I used to think about myself in my 20s, and my cheeks flush now when I think about how insufferable I was.

      4. I started to comment this in a less kind way! Definitely stop thinking of yourself as the smartest person in the room and get your head out of your behind.

    3. I’d start by getting more clear in what you’re wanting. I’m having a difficult time picturing what this “more and different intellectual stimulation” is that you’re craving. It’s not what you’re already getting from your job or from your very bright friends in these different roles. Do YOU know what it is? Are you looking for Ph.D. level discussions in philosophy, ethics, or theology? Do you want to by have your mind blown by learning physics or neuroscience or astronomy?

      Was there a time in your life when you had this thing that you’re craving? If so, what circumstances produced it? Are any of those circumstances available to you now, (given the constraint that you’re no longer the fresh/unformed person you might have been then)?

      To ask a very different question: is it possible that you’re craving creative stimulation, that you’re bored or burned, or that you have deep things you want to say? Yet you’ve always leaned on being intelligent as the way to satisfy those cravings, and now, by middle age, that type of intelligence has carried you as far as it can.

    4. Any chance you are in the Bay Area? A family member attends events at the Commonwealth Club and while I’ve never been, it seems to me that meeting people through these might help you in your goal. No idea if there is something similar nationwide.

    5. My favorite part of being a lawyer is working with expert witnesses. I feel like I have my own college professor teaching me about new subjects.

    6. Learn to appreciate different kinds of intelligence and you will realize how deficient you are in many areas.

  11. I feel like this question has been asked before but I can’t remember the consensus.
    I am in-house counsel going on a business trip soon to visit the regional HQ of one of the business units I support. I am attending/leading meetings at the HQ and staying at a hotel nearby. I know at least one other company employee is staying at that hotel.
    The hotel has a hot tub. I love hot tubs. It’s going to be long days and the thought of relaxing in a hot tub at night after all work events are over is very tempting. But is it just a thing not done to get in a swimsuit and get in the hot tub when you may run into other employees? I honestly am not self-conscious about myself in a swimsuit and would be wearing a full coverage one-piece. It’s very possible I won’t see anybody else in the hot tub, but then again I might.
    This seems like such a silly question and yet it’s bugging me.

    1. It’s completely fine to go swimming at a hotel pool or hot tub where you might run into coworkers. I’d avoid a skimpy bikini (a sporty two piece is fine) but that’s more for my comfort than others’.

    2. I also love hot tubs. This strikes me as completely fine. I have never avoided the gym or the pool in my home city just because I may run into people from work there (and this was not even all that uncommon at the nearest gym). It probably feels different while traveling because of the feeling of being “on the clock” the entire trip, but I think in fact it’s not different.

    3. Go for it. I’ve attended conferences in warm climates where you might run into other attendees poolside. No one cares.

    4. I think your fine, and also, presumably anyone you might run into at said pool also thinks it’s fine

    5. I think it’s fine. But I feel the same way, often. I’ve switched to swim shorts and a one piece or tankini top for personal reasons. I never worry now. And I also often bring a cover up that I love that either has a robe fit or a separate top and bottom so I don’t have to feel like I am stripping.

  12. I’m a keynote speaker at a conference in LA where the audience will consist mainly of west coast corporate attorneys and executives. Would it be appropriate to wear open toe shoes with a suit? For context, it’s a lavender pant suit; I’m a corporate attorney in big law in the midwest, and I haven’t been able to embrace open toe shoes in the office. But I know LA is more casual and I’d love to try open toe shoes with this suit since it has a more casual vibe anyway (mainly due to the color).

    1. That would be 1000% fine on the east coast (where peep-toe heels in Biglaw were fine in the late 00s) so I can’t imagine it’s less so west. I’d honestly be more worried about whether it looked dated than inappropriate.

      1. That would be my worry. I don’t think open-toed shoes with pants, let alone a suit, is a current look for daytime.

    2. I am not a fan of open-toed shoes in the office, but I also got lectured by the managing partner of the LA office of my large firm when I showed up at that office wearing a (light-colored) suit in the summertime. So based on that, the suit and sandals sounds right to me.

  13. I’m a keynote speaker at a conference in LA where the audience will consist mainly of west coast corporate attorneys and executives. Would it be appropriate to wear open toe shoes with a suit for this event? For context, it’s a lavender pant suit; I’m a corporate attorney in big law in the midwest, and I haven’t been able to embrace open toe shoes in the office quite yet. But I know LA is more casual and I’d love to try open toe shoes with this suit since it has a more casual vibe anyway (mainly due to the color).

    1. I think it depends on how much toe is really showing. All 5 toes maybe not. But a peep toe “open toe” I’d say it’s likely okay.

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