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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
Anthropologie has a bunch of cute items for fall, including this best-selling velvet button-front. I like that the big patch pocket makes it casual, but the fabric and sheen feels a bit dressed up.
I'd try it with jeans, midi skirts, and even wide leg pants — and I'd try it tucked, untucked, and even knotted at the waist for more of a cropped look.
The top is $130; it comes in 6 colors in sizes XXS-XL, 1X-3X, and XXSP-XLP. I've pictured slate gray, which I think would be my top pick, although the dark blue and blue motif are also both lovely.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
Thanks all for the helpful responses on the thread I started earlier about cancer screenings in the elderly with terminal conditions. I had to step out and couldn’t engage more, but they helped me clarify some of my thoughts a little bit. Now the issue is getting another family member who is assisting on the same page – she broadly agrees that we shouldn’t do “unnecessary screenings,” but then in the next breath, will say “but I think she can get Cologuard screening since that’s not invasive!” even though our relative is literally past the age of any screening being recommended. This stuff is SO hard to navigate.
Anon
Would she even want her life to be extended? My grandmother clearly had no quality of life once she had advanced dementia, and my mom and her sister agreed they wouldn’t pursue treatment for physical illnesses like cancer, which kind of obviated the need for any screenings. It wasn’t even about not subjecting to her to invasive procedures, although that’s another reason not to do invasive screenings like colonoscopies.
anon
Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Who has power of attorney over medical decisions? If that’s you, it may be time to flex that muscle.
Anonymous
I’m in the market for two things:
– Waterproof stadium type blanket for the cold and/or rainy and cold days I have to watch youth sports.
– a good rain jacket for NY state fall/spring for outdoor activities. Like, can watch a rainy soccer tournament all day level waterproofing.
Anon NYC
I love my LL Bean three in one rain jacket. It’s not the most flattering but I love that I can wear it with the fleece lining for extra warmth.
Anonymous
I love my LL Bean three in one rain jacket. It’s not the most flattering but I love that I can wear it with the fleece lining for extra warmth.
Anon
I have that one. Wish I’d bought a size smaller.
I think I followed a recommendation here. It really is an excellent coat.
Anon
Nothing beats Gore-tex for serious rain gear, imo
Meara
Eddie Bauer girl on the go—there’s one version that has a liner you can remove. I live in Seattle and wear it all the winter long. Just wish they had more colors.
Anon
How’s the sizing on this? I’m a size 12/14 and not sure if I need a Large or XL. I bought an XL in an unrelated jacket recently and was swimming in it.
Anon
I think the sizing is slightly on the larger side. There’s more room of course if you wear it without the lining, but I manage to wear it over thick sweaters even with the lining in.
Meara
I’d say if you’re more a 12 definitely the large is fine. If you’re more a 14, I ended up buying the XL when I gained some weight (particularly in my midsection) during the pandemic and was wearing a 14 because the L still fit but was a bit snug. But yeah generally it’s a big on the bigger side.
Anon Lady
Can I put in a plug for rain pants? They are a serious game-changer for when you have to be out in wet weather for a longer period of time. I’ve had pairs from LL Bean and REI that’s I’ve liked.
Anon
Look for a rain jacket without PFAS chemicals in the waterproofing. They’re getting phased out by most outdoor brands, but some are further along in that process than others. Patagonia should have options.
Chl
The mom edit is always recommending some blanket poncho thing for watching kids sports. You might want to look there. I think it shows up when they do posts on backcountry.
Elle
It’s the Rumpl but I don’t believe it’s waterproof.
Anonymous
RAIN brand rain jacket. It isn’t lined, so you have to wear it over warmer clothes but it is 100% waterproof and looks good and is affordable!
Anonymous
do you ever go through periods where you just don’t want to do anything? how do you get out of them?
Anon
Yes, once a month, and then my period comes. I’m kidding, but only kind of. If these are monthly events, it may be worth considering whether they’re hormonal, and if so, whether a change in birth control plans could help with them.
If it’s just a general funk, a long walk without headphones in proper nature usually does wonders for me.
Anonymous
This is something I didn’t experience in my 20s or 30s and now that I am post-40 I totally am in this boat too.
Anon
I have but I forced myself back out of it because I have to earn a living. I don’t know why I go through it but I do.
anon
+1
I literally put things on the calendar that I can’t back out of.
Anon
Me, all the time. I wish I had an answer.
Anon
Antidepressants, exercise, and therapy. Not wanting to do anything is a symptom of depression for me. Unless you’re talking about just work, or chores.
Anon
Question: should I have a bowling party for my office? KIDDING
Anon
Ha. I didn’t participate in this morning’s thread but I just want to add another chorus of “I hate bowling.”
Cat
If you do, have it during work hours. Honchos seem to think people love after-work teambuilding events. No. They want to go home!
Anon
Yes strongly agree with this.
Anon
We actually did it a few years ago. It was the staff’s choice. We made it a late lunch and it lasted for the rest of the day. And some of the most competitive people stayed well into the evening. (Competitive as in doing “bumper shots” like they were playing pool.)
Like
Is it possible that different people feel differently about this?
I know many who like to socialize with colleagues sometimes. It’s so weird to have such absolutism from internet posters on this topic….
Yall aren’t special because you hate your coworkers :)
Anon
I like my coworkers fine and enjoy seeing many of them outside of work, but I strongly object to mandatory socialization outside of work hours and I don’t think that’s uncommon! Outside of work hours, people should get to choose how they spend their time. Coworkers can get together and those who don’t want to go can decline, but if the boss or organization is hosting and it’s expected that everyone will attend, the event needs to happen during work hours.
Anon
Ha! I’m generally not a fan of mandatory office fun and I’m extremely unathletic but I would actually not mind an office bowling party.
Anon
Bowling is literally one of the MOST inclusive activities an office can plan. There’s seating, usually food, arcade games, wheelchair ramps, etc. Expectations are always low, four-year-olds do it, bumpers are available, it’s easy to sit out. That thread was wild.
anon
It really was. I can get a little grumpy about office events, but bowling is not one of them. Participate, or don’t. Eat the wings and nachos and chill out a bit.
Anon
Exactly. I have a chronic illness and frequently have to skip workplace events that always seem to get held outside on the hottest days of summer because I just can’t tolerate the heat, sun, and bad air quality without it making me feel lousy for days. I’m also a terrible bowler, but that would feel way more inclusive, as it’s at least held in a climate controlled environment and it’s easy to just sit and watch if you don’t want to bowl (most people are just sitting around most of the time anyway).
Anon
It’s the shoes worn by others that gets me. I’m not usually squeamish but I am not putting on rental shoes. Not am I buying shoes for an activity I don’t particularly like. Roast me, cranky people.
Anon
Why are bowling shoes necessary, anyway? You don’t even step on the lane where you throw the ball.
Anon
I think you should send an email to your employer saying it’s really ableist to ask for people to do an activity that requires different shoes. You never know who needs custom orthotics and they shouldn’t be required to out themselves, which could be really harmful.
Anon
Hahaha
Like
That’s one of the snobbier things I’ve ever heard, congrats.
Like Jesus Christ people. You can wear gross shoes for an hour once a year.
Garnet Hill Cashmere
Thanks to the reader who earlier this week mentioned Garnet Hill’s cashmere sale. I already received my order and my items are gorgeous! Fit true to size and the cashmere is super soft and feels high quality. I got the sweater in teal haze and the t-shirt in black. I rarely order clothes online anymore because I’m usually disappointed, but these both exceeded my expectations.
https://www.garnethill.com/ida-cashmere-cardigan/667269?searchTerm=%7B500838+TLHZ+S%7D
https://www.garnethill.com/organic-cotton-amp-tencel-8482-puff-sleeve-tee/699578?searchTerm=%7B501941+BLCK+S%7D
Anon
Thanks for sharing! Is there a coupon code for the sale? The sweater is showing up as full price.
Garnet Hill Cashmere
I think it was a one-day sale, unfortunately. My order included postcards with free shipping codes on orders over $100, which isn’t much but better than nothing. Happy to share.
AIMS
Ooh that was me! So glad it worked out.
Anon @ 4:50 – they have sales from time to time and you can get 15% off your 1st order if you sign up for texts. The quality is usually v. good. My one gripe is usually the shipping costs & return shipping fees, if it doesn’t work out, which can be add up.
Anonymous
I have a very old GH cashmere cardigan. I did have it repaired once, and the repair is effectively invisible, but the item is otherwise in great shape. I recommend holding on to any extra thread you got with the items.
Anon
You can also find their sweaters on eBay. I look for certain styles that seem to be 5-10 years old, and the prices are very good.
anon
TGIF. Work is a perpetual dumpster fire and I really would like to move on to a new org, if it weren’t for the flexibility and benefits that I don’t think any other place could match. That is all. I can’t tell if I’m being a coward or practical.
Anon
I’m in the same boat. My higher ed job is a dumpster fire but I’m in a small college town with very few non-university jobs and the university benefits (especially PTO and retirement match) are very hard to find elsewhere. I’ve kind of just accepted that I’ll stick it out until my youngest kid is through college which is only 15 years away now, and than retire early. But it’s not the best feeling for sure.
anon
OP here, and I’m also in higher ed. I used to love this place.
Anon
I’m also in higher ed, but not either of the Anons above, with agreement and commiseration on the dumpster fire.
Anon
Higher Ed here, too — commiseration
Anon
I’m the rug poster from the other day. I increased my budget a bit and now I’ve found two rugs and I can’t decide! Rug will be going in the living room. I have a white/ivory couch, ivory marble & black metal coffee table, and other furniture that is black wood and brown wood. There is a light pink chair in the corner and accents in the room are evergreen. Rug A is technically washable, although I’d have to take it to a laundromat and use a big washing machine, and I don’t see myself doing that, but maybe it spot cleans easier? Rug A feels more “adult” but a little more boring. Rug B feels sooo fun, but maybe less “adult”? It’s also back ordered, but I don’t mind that. Not washable. If it matters, I’m a single 30 year old who isn’t trying to decorate for anyone but myself. So what say you – rug A or rug B?
Rug A (bone beige): https://www.amazon.com/Revival-Rugs-Machine-Washable-Bedroom/dp/B0CJVL1PKD/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8&th=1&psc=1
Rug B (black): https://riflepaperco.com/products/laurel-parquet-power-loomed-rug-black
Cat
Black – more interesting and the texture of Rug 1 would annoy me when barefoot!
anon
It’s obvious that Rug B is your favorite, and I’m gonna enable you because I love Rifle’s prints. I don’t think the pattern seems particularly juvenile, so I’d strike that concern.
smurf
rug B! It’s like a classic rug pattern with a twist, not juvenile at all. Sounds like it will pull the room together! A is boring and also seems like it’d stain easily (unless its super easy to spot clean?)
Anon
B. A will look great for a day until it’s dirty. And it will be dirty and noticeably so pretty much immediately. I am someone who has fallen repeatedly for the white/beige/jute rug, and I always regret it.
I think you could be more adventuresome with color than B, but I like the pattern and vibe.
Jules
I vote for Rug B, for multiple reasons. First, you like it more! Second, I thnk it will pull the room together (nod to the Big Lebowski) better than the plain cream. And of course it will be much more forgiving of little spills and stains. And your rug doesn’t need to be “adult!” (Well, maybe just don’t get the kind with railroad tracks printed on it for toy trains …) When I got divorced and bought a house alone at 55, I also decorated just for myself. My living room rug is a wasabi green shag – which my ex-H, who helped me move, absolutely hated – and it makes me very happy, whether or not it’s adult.
FWIW, I was expecting that rug B would be kind of outlandish from your description, but I think it’s pretty understated.
And a ps about washing. I have a 5 x 7 synthetic rug in my kitchen (I know, it’s a bid weird) that of course gets dirty because … it’s in the kitchen. Once or twice I year, I fold it up and take it to the laundromat to put it in an oversize machine, and it works great, even though it’s not specifically designated as washable. (I don’t have to put it in the dryer there – it doesn’t retain a lot of water and I just let it dry on the floor, or maybe on the lawn if it’s a nice day.)
Anon
Adding to the chorus of B. A is boring and won’t add any interest to your space.
Anon
Definitely rug B!
Anon
FWIW, I like B in the cream color way for what you’re describing better.
Anon
OP here. I really want to like the cream, but I don’t like the mustard color in it.
Anon
Oh interesting! That’s what drew me to it and I think would look nice with the light pink piece you described. All black and white without a little bit of color can look very one note and flat.
Anonymous
This week, two dead weight individuals quit their positions and I am overjoyed. One was a fellow board member for a nonprofit. I chair a committee that this person was on and we had trouble meeting quorum because they would never show up to meetings. The board chair, CEO, and I had all had conversations with him and he very earnestly promised to improve but didn’t. This has been going on for over a year and it was getting to the point that we were going to have to call a formal board vote to oust him. He finally got the message and resigned.
The other was an associate that repeatedly lied to me but none of the other partners wanted to call it lying. I was just so hard on him! Examples. I would ask him if he had made edits to some documents and he’d promise he did. But he didn’t, it’s obvious it hasn’t been edited, but he would continue to insist that it was, and I would have to track down other partners and clients to find out what the edits were supposed to be because this kid would not tell me. And when I burn hours of my day to finally confirm that he did not in fact make the edits, he swears up and down he did and it must have been a tech error! Or that time I asked him repeatedly what new deadlines he agreed to and he swore up and down he was still on schedule, the deadlines were only bumped by a few days – he wouldn’t tell me which days – but actually he had agreed in writing with opposing counsel to indefinitely delay all deadlines thus making the trial date impossible to meet. I had to get access to his email account to dig up the email with opposing, he did not offer it. And when confronted with his email to opposing, he swore he didn’t mean what he said in the email he misunderstood. The poor guy! That evil woman opposing counsel was flirting with him and made him misunderstand what he was agreeing to! Cherry on top: he got Talked To about not coming into the office often enough so he knowingly came in with a Covid infection days before I had a very critical surgery scheduled that I wouldn’t have been able to have if I’d caught Covid. So this guy not only is a terrible worker he actually endangered my life. I cannot understand why the other partners gave this kid so many passes. Anyway he quit and this might be the best day of my professional life. Also writing this out I’m realizing how deeply misogynistic my workplace is, maybe I should look for work elsewhere. After I’ve taken all my leave and am back on my feet.
Anon
Your workplace sounds awful. I too have worked with “he’s just a kid” yet “she’s incompetent” descriptions of employees the same age and basically the same issues.
I’m glad for you that these people both left!
Anon
That’s great news, and you should do something fun this weekend to celebrate! Good riddance!
anon
I bought this dress and I love it. But I also am afraid to wear it.
https://www.madewell.com/p/womens/clothing/dresses/shirtdresses/utility-button-front-mini-dress/NT564/?ccode=BK5229#start=4
Something about the buttons, length and relaxed fit make it feel a little nightgown-ish all of the sudden, despite the material being fairly stiff (not in a bad way). I feel like a rail thin 30 something would wear this in a second. Alas, I am approaching 40 and just had a baby…..
I currently have this on, having just changed for a night out with some girl friends and want to wear to dinner. Help. This is cute, yes? I can style it in the winter with tights of some kind and booties but this might be my last warm night (Boston having a freak 75 degree day….). Tell me to do it and not return it??
Anon
Do you love it when you wear it?
If not, it goes back. $138 is too much for something you don’t love on you.
anon
This. If you’re questioning it now, you’re never going to love it. Return.
OP
It was 40% when I bought it fwiw, but I hear you.
Anon
The fact that it was on sale doesn’t matter if you won’t feel good wearing it. I read a useful rule of thumb somewhere for navigating sales: would I buy this if it were full price?
Anon
$83 is still a lot to spend on something you aren’t sure of.
Anon
Seconding return. FWIW, I never like anything I get at madewell, it’s the OG quince for me. Something is always off about it.
Anonymous
This exactly. Madewell, Everlane, and Quince are all very poorly cut. There is cute boxy and there is dumpy, and these brands fall squarely into the latter category. It’s as if they never try the clothes on actual humans.
Cat
This is not a tights and booties dress (actually, nothing is a tights and booties dress anymore) – it’s for bare legs and flats or cute sneakers. If you’d only keep it if you could wear in cold weather, I’d return.
OP
I styled it in the store for cold weather with the sales person and I liked it. But now that I’m home and have it on and otherwise ready to walk out the door in an hour…. too much doubt, I think. Ugh, I’m really trying to get a little trendier with my clothes, which I was once upon a time, and I put this on in the store and adored it. But I also think the more I move around with it at home it’s … really short on the sides. I want it to work so badly. Why is it so hard to by clothes as a 39.75 years old. I swear having babies and infertility crap wrecking my body (that I’m slowly regaining control of) for the last 8 years has cause zero clothes to “spark joy” any longer.
Anon
It doesn’t sound like it sparks joy for you, so I would send it back! You deserve to put things you truly love on your body.
ALT
I’d belt it and wear with Sambas or Vejas for a casual cool look. Not sure how I’d wear it for weather that’s too chilly for bare legs though. Maybe belted with knee high boots?
I have a similar dress that’s a popover with longer sleeves and I wear it that way or with loafers.
Senior Attorney
If you are having this much angst about it, it’s not the right dress for you and it should go back. Life’s too short to fight with your clothes!
Anon
My 23 year old daughter would wear this but I don’t think she’d try to make it work for cold weather – responding to other comments, this is a warm weather + sneakers or Birkenstocks dress.
If you’re not sure, wear something you’re comfortable in and return the dress.
Anonymous
The most excited about any item of clothing will be when I first buy it. If I’m even slightly on the fence when I buy it, it will never get any better.
Anonymous
This is linen! It’s cute but definitely not for tights and booties. Birks, Vegas, or as a swim cover up.
Anon.
That dress isn’t good on the model.
Augustine
Hello, a few months ago I posted about a very rough breakup – in love but my ex wasn’t really interested in being part of a family with kids, and the restrictions that would place on the kind of life he wants to live, and I have kids, so… here we are! I wanted to update on how I’m doing and hopefully get a few words of encouragement and advice.
Basically, I’m ok. All your advice about no contact was very good, and I have more or less managed it although there have been some minor slip ups from me (just texts, not many or frequently, and not prolonged text conversations). I’m only ok though, and I’m a bit frustrated with myself about how long it’s taking me to really feel hope and happiness again. Ie, I don’t really feel those things. I don’t feel absolutely awful but there is a bleakness to my mental state that I really hate. This doesn’t feel like my norm at all, usually I’m quite cheerful even though my life certainly has a lot of challenges.
I’ve also been wondering about dating again. I like romance, and being with my ex made me realise that I actually do want that in my life. It’s sort of complicated as I’m not looking to get remarried or anything over any kind of rapid timeframe (I was widowed 5 years ago and my kids are still young ish, and I’m happy with how things are). And also not sure I’m “ready” as I’m still pretty sad about my ex. But I would like a boyfriend/partner, and I don’t want something casual. I have this idea that dating might help me be more oriented towards the future and new possibilities, rather than being focused on a specific thing that didn’t work out. But I also am worried that I might try it and it’ll be awful and then I’ll just feel worse! There is so much on the internet about how awful the dating scene in your 40s is. (I am 43)
There isn’t really a question in here, I think my question is a general “what do you guys think? Any good advice?” You really were very helpful a few months ago so I’m back for more of that!
Senior Attorney
I might really get blasted for this, but I really wish I’d just concentrated more on my kid when she was youngish and I was between marriages. It goes by really fast and believe it or not, there are plenty of dating opportunities later in life — I married my sweet husband at 57 and I really really could have skipped the one I married at 40! So from my standpoint you are doing fine. Easier said than done, I know, but sometimes life throws us curve balls and we don’t get to have everything we want, all at the same time. Hugs!
Augustine
That is real food for thought, thank you. I very much see where you are coming from. There is peace in just accepting that this time is for me and my girls, and that’s what it’s about. I guess I just… am not quite ready to accept that, or something. Dating and meeting people has always been fun for me, and I like that side of life, and it just seems quite boring to not have any of that! As I’m writing this I am really asking myself… why do I find this so important? And I’m not totally sure. Historically – ie prior to my husband – I tended to date quite a bit although I never had anything truly serious before I met my husband in my late 20s. Before that there were heaps of 3-6 month relationships, and I guess it’s just a big adjustment for me to think about turning that off for a while. Sorry this is rambling, I’m trying to unpack my feelings. I really appreciate your insight.
Anon
So I was and am someone who prefers to be in a relationship and I think that can get in your way. It makes you try harder to make things work when really you should break it off. I’m guessing the lingering sadness is more for being coupled than him specifically, especially since you were widowed. My advice would be to try to date a little more selectively where you’re giving yourself permission to either cut it off early or date more casually. On dating, I met my husband in my 40s, on a dating app, and while yes, there’s a lot of noise I think it can actually be a lot of fun with the right mindset. You get to go to a pretty bar or restaurant! There’s possibility! You never know if your life is about to change! You can shop for some fun outfits and feel good about yourself. Just treat it like you’re the prize and not seeking someone else’s validation. And it only takes one.
Augustine
I think in general I actually am pretty good at breaking things off early (going back to my 20s for this observation!) although with this recent guy I could have broken it off earlier, it’s true. I THINK that was more about being in love with that particular guy than it was about being in a relationship, but actually I’m not sure now. I probably need to do some deeper examination here as you’ve made a pretty good point.
Your last paragraph is really close to how I think about this actually. Just the fun stuff about dating, that is all very true for me.
Anon
Oh I hear you! I’ve had a few of those in my history too (I’m the one you’re replying to). Some people just take a while to get over. I put them in the category of jobs I thought I really wanted and didn’t get – they know something I don’t know and they didn’t share it. So it looked and felt great to me, but something was lurking there that would have been a big problem. Those just take time to get over. And I think if you have that attitude about dating too, you’ll end up where you’d like to be. I really think most of the frustration people have comes from focusing on the negative part.
anon
Question — is the ex the first person you’d dated since your husband passed? I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some residual grief wrapped up in this.
I don’t know what I would do in your shoes, but I would be inclined to let things unfold naturally and not spend a lot of time hopping around on apps until you’re feeling a lot more healed from the recent relationship.
Augustine
That’s a good question and something I’ve been asking myself too. I don’t think it’s residual grief for literally my husband. For better or worse, I really think I have worked through my sadness over losing him. But I do think there is something about unresolved grief from losing an expected future. I do feel a bit stuck in my life right now, like what is my life actually about, how do I want to live etc. And being with my ex kind of allowed me to pause that for a while – maybe my life would be about him! And now I’m just back into that, that whole “is this all there is?” thing.
Recognising that is one thing but figuring out a way through is another. Dating doesn’t seem to be a horrible way of working through it, although I know ideally I’m meant to be finding internal joy or something!
Your last sentence is a good one. Can’t hurt to just wait like another month or two and see. But then the other side of my brain says can’t hurt just to have a go at the apps and see how that feels, and stop if it’s not good. Argh so hard.
Augustine
Ps sorry I didn’t actually answer your first question. Yes he was the first guy I had anything significant with after my husband’s death.
ABanon
I wonder if you could define more clearly what you do want. When you say you want a boyfriend/partner and not something casual, that makes perfect sense. But then you say you’re not ready to integrate someone into your life as you have young kids … which is making less sense (as it’s hard to have both things at once). And that seems to be related to the problem you had in your previous relationship where your partner wanted you but not the life you have with your kids. Maybe it’s not really possible to date someone with an eye on permanence without deciding where they fit in your life as a parent (or maybe you do want something casual if you don’t want to deal with this yet?).
Dating with kids is perhaps much different than the dating you were doing in your 20s in that you have a family to ultimately integrate your partner into. I don’t have kids so I can’t really speak to that but maybe some other posters can. I’ve been the kid though when mom is dating and it was a bad time — because many men did not want a woman with children but would date her anyway and then she would resent us. Maybe there’s a way to weed these guys out early on?
Augustine
These are great questions. I suppose what I mean is that I want to meet someone who I could eventually properly integrate into my life, but not say in the next 4-5 years. So through that period we’d just be dating. I should also clarify that by “integrate into my life” I mean get married/move in together. I don’t mean the person would never hang out with me and the kids. They’d have to do that :)
I was sort of thinking there might be a few men out there to whom that sounds ok. Men who have kids themselves, who want romance but not yet up for the complication of actually blending a family, but also don’t want something just casual.
I think I’d be wary of dating someone without kids again. I don’t want to write off all child free men just because of my ex, but at the same time I do think it’s quite hard to be on the same page if one of you is a sole parent and one of you has no ties of that nature. It could work but after having been through it I can see that perhaps my experience could have been predicted.
Anon
Hmmmm, I think it’s going to be really tough to meet a quality person who just wants to sit on the sidelines for 4-5 years. What you’re describing just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak – unless you’re just hooking up, which tends to fade with age, most people like to move for in relationships. I think there’s certainly a lot of people out there who wouldn’t mind being a step dad with you but a lot less who would just wait to be a real part of your life. FWIW, several of my friends married widowers and are step parents. It’s not what any of them expected things to look like but they’re all really happy. And not all of them had kids before either.
Anonymous
+1 to all of this.
But also? Do your darn level best NOT to think through these scenarios and make these kinds of plans on a Friday evening. This could be my imagination, but I’m looking at the time stamps of when you were posting yesterday evening, and I’m guessing what may have happened is that you had a long week of work and solo childcare, and were feeling tired and empty, and then sad as you realized you didn’t have a fun date to go on, on a Friday evening, or a fun weekend date-like event to look forward to. You were maybe tired of being an employee and a solo parent, and were wanting a bit of sparkle and romance.
As a stop-gap, maybe make sure the evenings or weekends when you would have been with the ex have something fun or energizing in them. That can help sustain you in this interim space where you’re not sure whether you want to try apps, get back into dating, or just ride it out a bit more. If your life is fairly routine or responsibility-driven, see if you can add a bit of sparkle and fun into your life so that longing gets filled up a bit outside of dating.
Anon
I’m the partner in this scenario without kids, and am glad my partner didn’t make that assumption about me. I probably couldn’t have had kids, and even if I could with massive amounts of intervention, just never met someone who would have been a good father to said hypothetical kids, so it never happened. Current partner has kids, and even though I had pretty well written off having kids in my life, here we all are. It’s fine.
Yes, things are a more logistically complicated when there are kids involved, but if a partnership is going to work and be worth the effort, it’ll work, kids or not.
Anonymous
Just wanted to second this. I am childless by choice. But met my husband when my stepson was 14. Things just worked really well. Now stepson is 30. I’m glad I didn’t overthink things. My life has been so much richer because of them. And I know I’ve made their lives richer as well. If you feel like dating please do so. Life has a way of fitting things in when it’s right.
Anonymous
I want a cute or unique/creative clutch. Must have:
– Silver hardware.
– space for a cell phone, lip gloss, car key.
– handle / easy to hold (I don’t love the chain crossbody handles because they can catch on sequins or delicate fabrics, but will do that if it’s otherwise amazing.)
Indifferent:
– any Color
– any shape Prefer closer to $100 but can do up to $200.
This is the first one I found online but I want silver not gold, and not sure if it would fit a phone:
https://www.auvrelifestyle.com/products/midnight-orb-evening-clutch-copy?variant=49530912506161¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAp6xZUFklsSzj0RUo7Kk8HVdt-E–
Anon
I like this one: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/studded-embellished-velvet-clutch
Looks like Anthropologie also has some other interesting ones.
Anonymous
Just chiming in that I saw this in store in person over the weekend. So much cuter than the picture. I’m not a clutch person and have no need for one, but I was half tempted to buy.
Anon
I feel like TJ Maxx or Marshall’s are your best bets here. I always see evening bags/clutches there and I never have an occasion for them!
Anonymous
What is the best overnight hand cream?
Anon
Gloves In A Bottle. You can get it on Amazon.
Anonymous
The green circle container stuff, I think it’s called Working hands.
Anon
Help me shop! I’m looking for a rectangular, flap shoulder bag for carrying with dressier work events. I’m leaning towards black with gold hardware but would consider other options. Looking for something classic as I want this to last at least ten years but not boring. Budget up to $500 for the right item.
asd
Furla
Anonymous
Alexis Bittar has fun dressy bags that are a bit more modern feeling.
Anon
The Coach Cassie works for this and is very well made.
Anon
https://www.coach.com/products/cassie-crossbody-bag-17/CW565.html
This is the 17 which is a bit smaller than the regular Cassie. Both are really nice.
Anon
https://www.toryburch.com/en-us/handbags/mini-bags/kira-chevron-chain-wallet/156553.html
Anon
Might repost during the week but: What car do you drive or what would be your top choice car to buy? Do you try to pay off a car and drive it into the ground or replace fairly frequently?
We have two 2017 Toyotas (a Highlander and a RAV4, both hybrid.) I have a fairly dangerous (aggressive, speeding drivers) daily highway commute and twin teens who will start to drive soon. In the past, I’ve had a vehicle that I maintained well but was on the older side randomly just die during my commute and I’m not eager to repeat that.
Do I get a newer car and drive that one or have the teens drive the most updated/safest vehicle? Considering a hybrid Toyota Corolla Cross or a Highlander for me (I think that would be too big for a newer driver potentially.)
Anon
Our new driver loves the drivers ed car, a Kia Soul. I’ve had one as a rental care and absolutely loved it — good trunk space, great visibility, handled so well in a base model. Really considering getting one (either new or close to it).
Anon
I drive a Volvo wagon (xc70, 2015) and plan to drive it into the ground. My local mechanic is a Volvo expert and I feel confident they will get me there. I had initial service at the dealer and they were dismal. I would only do this with a great mechanic in my contacts.
Anon
My husband and I drive an ’09 Camry and ’15 Corolla, which we got used from my parents. Until last fall my husband drove a ’99 Camry. So yeah… we’re definitely at the old car end of the spectrum. I’ve found Toyotas to be incredibly reliable and we put shockingly little money into the ’99 (it needed the struts replaced in 2010ish to the tune of $1-2kish, but no other significant repairs beyond regular maintenance) and they’ve never died on us or been unreliable.
For a new teen driver I’d want something new-ish for more recent safety features, but not so brand new that it’s something that they want to show off to everyone. A car that’s 5-7 years old seems about right to me.
Anon
Completely agree about Toyotas being very reliable. I drive a 2012 Toyota Corolla (which I’ve been driving since 2013) and it has given me no problems beyond routine maintenance. When I’ve saved up enough, I plan to upgrade to the Corolla Cross, which is a new small crossover SUV.
Anon
My daughter and I both drive 2002 Camrys. Those cars are basically indestructible.
Anon
We were really sad to part with the ’99. It was pretty low mileage for its age (175k) and still ran perfectly. We were getting the ’15 from my parents and it didn’t make sense to keep it – our child is 10 years away from driving and when she does we don’t want her driving a 35 year old car – but we were very sad to see it go. At least it went to a good home, and I hope the new owners get another 10 years out of it.
Anonymous
We buy new cars in cash and drive them into the ground, usually about 12 years and over 200k miles. We don’t typically encounter issues with Toyotas until well over the 100k mile mark. Our new driver loves our 2018 Prius and so do I.
Our 2013 Subaru that is a total lemon needs to be replaced. We hated the Toyotas we test drove, which made me sad because our favorite cars have always been Toyotas. The Honda hybrids were less horrible and we will probably buy one.
I would put the teens in the RAV 4.
Anon
12 years is not driving a Toyota into the ground! There are 30-40 year old Toyotas still on the roads.
Anonymous
It is if you go like 250K. At that point stuff does start to fail.
Anon
250k miles in 12 years is an *insane* amount of driving! The rule of thumb I’ve always heard is that you can expect to put 10k miles on a car per year, which would only be 120k miles in 12 years, and I’ve always been significantly under that. We just sold a 1999 Toyota that only had 175k miles, and it was our only car for many years and we take a decent number of road trips, etc. Unless you’re commuting 50 miles a day each way to work five days a week (which is in unusual, especially post pandemic) I don’t know how you could put more than 20k miles on a car each year.
But valid point that mileage matters as much or more than age.
Anonymous
That is a wild amount of driving, how do you do that? We put like 5k miles a year in our car.
Anon
The average US driver apparently drives more than 13,000 miles per year, which surprised me — we’re at about half that and it feels like we use our car constantly, we almost never walk or bike to get somewhere. But yeah 20k+ is a lot. That’s an average of 55 miles a day, assuming you drive every single day.
Anonymous
Pre-WFH I commuted 30K miles a year. I would drive the new car for 5 or 6 years and then turn it over to my husband, who drives much less.
Anon
I have had my car for around 8 years and have put over 120k miles on it. I think there’s a lot of east coast bias in those estimates.
Anon
I’m Midwest, not east coast, and only drive about 5,000 miles each year. I’m aware I was on the lower end (I WFH, live 1 mile from my kids’ elementary school and <5 miles from most of their activities, and we mostly fly for vacations) but 20,000 miles still seems like a lot to me.
Anon
I drive about 20,000 miles a year, but I almost never fly.
Anon
Honda Accord. My 2005 didn’t have issues until over the 200k/225k miles, except for a caliper, and I still got 312,000 miles out of her. I buy Hondas as they can take the abuse I give, which is mainly that I don’t adhere to recommended service timelines. I want a reliable, fussy free car, so oil changes, tires and brakes. My current Honda Accord is a 2013, and I have about 225,000 miles on her. Will absolutely drive her into the ground. You really can’t go wrong with Hondas or Toyotas. Very reliable, and they maintain their value.
You may want to check out this link for recommendations for teen drivers: https://www.iihs.org/ratings/safe-vehicles-for-teens
Cat
It was really typical for kids to get the older of their parents’ two cars when I was growing up. tbh although newer cars may be ‘safer’ in some ways:
(1) I firmly believe that touchscreen controls are infinitely less safe than the old buttons and dials that you could adjust without taking your eyes away from the road at all, and we’re hanging on to our low-tech 15yo Toyota for as long as we can, and
(2) we’re starting to encounter a problem with older drivers (80ish in-laws) who think the bells and whistles mean if the car isn’t making alert noises at you, that you’re being safe.
We both come from families who paid cash and drove cars until it no longer made financial sense to repair them; the shortest duration was around 7 years for a lemony station wagon.
Anon
Yeah I got my license in 2001 and kids were lucky to get a car at all. Most who did (including me) got the oldest car currently in the household, which was often 10+ years old. I think the idea of giving a kid a brand new car is a recent thing, and only for a privileged few.
I also agree that you can overly rely on the newfangled safety features. I’ve never owned a car with a backup camera and get very nervous when renting them because I feel like I’m going to rely on the camera too much and have an accident.
Anon
Same. I got my license in 1998 and drove a 1992 Honda Accord, which was only because my family has money. Most of my friends drive cars almost as old as they were, if they got one at all.
Anon
This really depends on the area, not the era. My dh and I are olds so graduated from high school in the ’70s. Everyone he knew got a car when they were seniors — usually their mom’s old car and she got a new one. Where I grew up, most families were only one car families to start out with, and the kids were definitely last on the list to be able to drive. When I was growing up, my mother drove my dad to work one day a week so she could have the car to run errands, and then he took the bus home.
We live in the area that dh grew up in, my kids got hand me down cars when they were hs seniors but most of their friends got brand new cars.
nuqotw
Our high school car (in 1998) was a 1983 Volvo station wagon. At 55 mph you could feel it struggle to climb hills. We drove carefully because the car certainly wasn’t going to save us. :)
We pay cash for cars and drive them until it is unreasonable to fix them, which we define as repairs more expensive than a replacement or a safety issue. (We got rid of one Prius when it started to stall in hot weather due to an electrical problem estimated at $10K; we got rid of the other when the battery failed (you could still drive it but you couldn’t accelerate fast so getting on to the highway was dangerous) and the exhaust system and AC were on the way out.
I currently drive a 2013 Nissan Leaf and I love it. Spouse drives an Ioniq 5 and loves it too. If I had to get a brand new car today I would get a Nissan Leaf or Ioniq 6.
I think a recent Nissan Leaf is a good teen car – safe, reliable, and electric vehicles are very low maintenance.
Anon
When interest rates were low, I always leased cars. Now I’ll probably buy our most recent cars when they come off lease. I personally think it’s unsafe to drive cars until they absolutely fall apart, reliability and current safety features are worth paying for. I’ll probably keep our cars for 5-7 years.
Anon
“Do I get a newer car and drive that one or have the teens drive the most updated/safest vehicle?”
Unpopular take: teenagers driving the newest and safest vehicle is really outdated advice.
Back in the 1990s and aughts, advances in safety technology were HUGE: crumple zones, ABS, airbags, seatbelt tensioners, passenger side and side curtain airbags, even blind spot monitoring came out in certain cars around that time.
Now? Yeah cars are getting safer, but the differences are far more marginal.
Hot take: I think teenagers benefit from learning to drive without all of the assistance of lane control, cruise control, backup cameras, etc. Those should supplement good skills, not replace them.
Anonymous
I think everyone, teens included, should have a backup camera, lane change warnings, and emergency braking. Those features don’t replace the driver’s own alertness and judgment, they just help cover blind spots and catch mistakes.
Anon
That’s a privileged take. The average car on the road is 12.6 years, or model year 2012. Half are older.
“In model year 2017, lane departure warning was available on 63 percent of new U.S. passenger vehicle series as standard (6 percent) or optional (57 percent) equipment.” -USDOT
Emergency braking won’t even be required on all vehicles for another five years. In 2016, ten auto manufacturers pledged to make it standard in 2022.
Backup cameras were only standard equipment in 2018.
Anon
Agree it’s a suuuper privileged take. I consider us upper middle class bordering on rich and our cars don’t have any of these features. No matter how much money you have, it seems incredibly wasteful and terrible for the environment to buy a car every couple of years, which you’d have to in order to have all the latest safety features.
Anonymous
We are total cheapskates and have all of these features on our base model 2018 prius and will have them on the base model Civic we are buying to replace our 2012 car that is falling apart. The idea that kids “should” learn in an unsafe vehicle if the parents can afford a safe one is ridiculous and dangerous. Most people posting here have much newer, nicer cars than we have. You don’t need all the latest features, just these very basic standard ones.
Anon
But a 2018 car is only 6 years old — the vast majority of people can’t afford to buy a new car that often, as evidenced by the stat that the average car on the roads is 12 years old. And even if you can afford to buy a current year car every 5 years, I disagree that it’s “ridiculous” or “dangerous” to give a kid an older car without all the bells and whistles. It’s completely normal in my upper middle class area for kids to drive well-maintained 5-10 year old cars. Nobody who can afford better wants their kid in an unreliable beater, but plenty of affluent kids don’t drive brand new cars and for those who do it’s much more about status than safety features and “safety” is just an excuse.
Anonymous
I am the poster with the 2018 and 2012 cars. My teen and I share the 2018 and my husband drives the 2012. When we replace the 2012 my husband will drive the new car. We are not rich or fancy. Far from it. We just prioritize our child’s safety.
Anon
Anonymous at 4:53 pm, please define an “unsafe” vehicle.
Please recall that there have been several years in which there were zero vehicle deaths in America in Volvo 240s, the last of which rolled off the assembly line in 1993.
When you were driving cars manufactured circa 2005 or 2010, did you feel “unsafe”?
Anon
Ugh, I think I posted too soon and didn’t really explain myself.
In 2005 or so, it absolutely made sense to give kids the newest and safest car, versus getting them something from the early 1990s.
Driver’s side airbags were not mandatory until 1994, and passenger side airbags until 1998. Seatbelt pretensioners were on luxury vehicles in the 1990s but really became popular on all vehicles in the aughts. ABS didn’t become mandatory until 2011 (2012 model year), although many earlier cars had it.
So it’s 2005 and you can give your teen a car with ABS, side curtain and passenger side airbags, and seatbelt pretentioners, or a car with a driver’s side airbag. Well, I guess teenage Jessica and Andrew are going to get a brand-new car to drive.
These days, the safety improvements are much more marginal (IMHO) and, as someone said above, come with the downside of “if the car isn’t telling me there is a problem, my driving is fine.”
I really do think there was a time when the safety technology advanced so far, so fast that getting those features was important.
Anon
I fully agree. Airbags were a huge leap (and I’m old enough that my first car didn’t have them!) but the newer safety improvements are more marginal and more of a crutch than a safety leap imo. My kid is only 6 so this is a long way off for us, but we have no plans to buy her a new car, and most likely she’ll have a car that’s at least 10 years old. She may even drive one of our current cars, which are already ~5 years old and will be 15 years old by the time she can drive.
Jen
Does anyone have experience with this brand or these shoes? I get this dressed up very rarely, so if I didn’t have to spend $$$$ on shoes it’d be great—but my feet have to be comfortable.
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/berness-barbara-rhinestone-pump-women/7760295?origin=coordinating-7760295-0-19-ProductPage1-recbot-also_viewed_graph_rack&recs_placement=ProductPage1&recs_strategy=also_viewed_graph_rack&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=7118028&color=SILVER
Anon
I think it would be really individual and you would have to try them on. They don’t look like they have enough padding in the forefoot to be comfortable for me, and the plastic/clear section always dig into my foot, so personally I wouldn’t even try them on. But if you like them, try them on and walk around your house for a bit and see what you think.