This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Coach Laura
I’m with you, Kat. I hate paying a lot for workout wear, but still want high quality. Nice find.
zee
Sorry for the double-post, meant to post on the OT.
Any Seattle corporettes want a meetup? I was feeling left out looking at the other meetups in the works…
cbackson
YES.
(although I’m a little bit afraid that I will discover that, you know, we all work at the same law firm)
zee
Haha – I guess we’ll find out!
EC MD
I don’t work for law firm, so we can’t all work at the same place. I’m in!
Another Laura
I’m in, and also not at a law firm.
EC MD, aren’t you moving away from Seattle? :(
Working 3L
I’m in, and I’m 100% confident that I can rally/recruit a few more loyal Seattle Corporettes, mostly in the legal field.
meara
Me too! …of course, I travel most all week, so I probably can’t make a meetup. :( But if I can, I will so be there!
Anon101
I was feeling the same thing! I’m in, and also curious to see whether we all already know each other since the Seattle legal community is so small.
SuzyQ
I’d be interested in a Seattle meetup!
C3
Hi Ladies. I have a random beauty/cosmetic question for you all. When I started law school, my hair started falling out more more than it had previously; however, the hair loss was fairly consistent all three years. I assumed it was the result of stress and poor diet, which I have heard is reasonable. I am now out of law school (mid 20’s) and over the past few weeks, my hair loss has gotten worse. It’s not to the point where it noticeable yet, but I am afraid if it keeps falling out at this rate it will be noticeable soon. I am not under a lot of stress, have a fairly well-balanced diet, haven’t changed products recently, and have been fairly “gentle” on my hair (i.e. not washing every day, using a low heat setting on my dryer, etc.) Has anyone gone through this before who would be willing to share their thoughts? Or, does anyone have any suggestions for products/vitamins/etc. that may help? Thanks!
EC
Have you had your thyroid checked? Hair loss is a really common symptom. I would talk with your doctor.
And if nothing else – my hair starts shedding like crazy in the spring. It’s a bit early, but it may be a possibility.
LC
I second the suggestion to go talk to your doctor. Hair loss can be harmless health-wise, but it could also be a sign of other problems. Plus, I’m sure your doctor can suggest some vitamins that might help. I think fish oil is supposed to be good for your hair!
Ann
PCOS can also cause hair loss. Are you having any symptoms like menstrual irregularity, increased acne, hairiness on your body that previously wasn’t there, or darkened skin on your neck? Those are all PCOS symptoms.
It’s entirely possible this is a stress-related or age-related (even if you’re young, some women have the same hormonal trigger men do for baldness, and it can start causing hair loss at an early age) problem, but if the rate of loss is accelerating, it’s worth getting checked out at the doctor. If you get a clean bill of health – then I would recommend Nioxin shampoos and treatments; Nioxin is what helped my hair tremendously when I had lost a ton of it before I started treatment for PCOS. Ultimately, though, without treating any underlying condition, nothing you apply topically will help. Good luck!
spacegeek
Rogaine! I prefer the 2% bc the 5% makes my scalp dry. One needs to stick with it for 3 months bc that’s the cycle duration of new hair. You won’t see results before then. But amazingly better!
sgb
I had this as a side effect of hormonal birth control pills in my 20s.
chopped
A few weeks ago, I wailed about my new too-short-for-my-taste-and-head haircut. It is heavily layered, with pieces from shoulder length to chin length and some front pieces too short to tuck behind my ear. I’m getting used to it, but now I have to blow dry every day, and the shortest pieces are always in my face. I can’t do a ponytail anymore. And what little hair I can gather in it looks more like something a sumo wrestler would sport, so I feel pretty silly.
For corporettes with hair chin length or shorter – how do you get your hair out of your face and still look professional? Constant use of bobby pins? Is there a way to use a headband without feeling like you’re in grade school? I used to be a bun, twist, or ponytail every day sort of woman, and now I’m at a loss.
Anon in Ny
Bobby pins are a lifesaver, and if they match your hair color can look very sleek and professional.
Also, if you’re just looking to save some time on the blow-outs, focus on the hair/sections around your face. If you blow-out the portions around your face, you can get away with the rest of your hair being not quite as perfect.
lawyerette
Thin unembellished headband in a color that more or less matches your hair (brown/gold/black) is perfectly acceptable IMO. Also plain barrettes that match your hair color instead of bobby pins.
surrounded by lawyers
I think a very thin tortoiseshell headband should also be fine, regardless of hair color.
EC
I have several headbands that are close to the color of my hair and relatively thin, which I don’t think looks grade-school. The Limited often carries a good supply. There used to be a kind of invisible headband that was plastic and floppy and looked like a circle made up of triangles (sorry, horrible description) – that could be another way.
Or, you could just own it – learn to blow-dry the short pieces out to the side so they don’t hang in your face, and use hair gel and hair spray to keep the pieces at least out of your eyes, and just don’t pull it back at all. I actually feel like it looks more professional to have a hairstyle that looks good down with no embellishment than it is to always be twisting your hair up, which feels like an exercise and facial hair style to me.
D
French braid your bangs out of the way.
Poopy
I have long bangs (to my chin) that I leave down and side swept daily. It is a “younger” look, but still professional. I hardly ever tuck them behind my ear. I’m used to having them there and they don’t bother me.
chopped
Thanks for all these thoughts. I just ordered a France Luxe headband from Nordstrom – hopefully that will do the trick.
Question 2: how do you keep your hair securely out of your face during a workout if it’s too short for a ponytail. Is there a sports headband or something that anyone likes? A bandana?? Barrettes? I have very slippery, fine hair so I need something with real grip.
L
I use the prana or lululemon headbands. They keep bangs out of the way nicely.
EC MD
I have ver fine hair and strongly endorse the narrow ribbon headbands from lululemon. They are adjustable and have silicon grippy on the inside. They are expensive, but literally the only thing that will keep my hair off my face when I work out.
Eponine
Scunci or some similar brand available at drugstores makes an identical product.
Sydney Bristow
I’m currently unemployed and trying to do things to keep myself occupied between applying for a million jobs. I want to spend some of this time learning new skills that might be helpful in my career, so right now I’m trying to learn and get experienced using social media. I’ve been using facebook for years (since it was just college students) and am completely comfortable with it. I also use LinkedIn regularly. Right now I’m trying to start using Twitter and Tumblr. I think I’m getting the hang of Twitter, but Tumblr seems a bit overwhelming. Does anyone use social media regularly? Do you use it in connection with your job? Are there other platforms that I should be trying out?
Full disclosure, I am a lawyer (passed the bar, character and fitness interview scheduled for next week) but I’m also applying for jobs outside of the legal field. I’m not sure how helpful any social media will be with whatever I end up doing, but it seems to be becoming more important every day. Its also a fun thing to learn during this never ending job hunt.
MelD
Do you have any hobbies you pursue? I know when I was interviewing, I got asked what I did in my free time other than applying for jobs. LinkedIn may be helpful, but it may also be a good idea to get out and do free/cheap things in the community.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve been trying to get out and explore NYC more. I’ve lived here for a little over a year. Since the weather got nice this week, I’ve been wandering around taking pictures and posting them on Tumblr. I also have a list of free days at the museums that I plan on checking out. Thanks for the advice!
Ashley
I’ve been trying to get out and explore NYC more. I’ve lived here for a little over a year. Since the weather got nice this week, I’ve been wandering around taking pictures and posting them on Tumblr. I also have a list of free days at the museums that I plan on checking out. Thanks for the advice!
Sydney Bristow
Thanks Ashley. I’m definitely bookmarking that site.
Bonnie
How about brushing up on language skills? You can probably find a social meetup group to practice too.
Sydney Bristow
Bonnie, I have been thinking about this as well. I have practically 0 foreign language skills though. I took Japanese for 2 years in middle school and then Spanish for 2 years in high school, but I don’t remember anything. I’ve always found learning a foreign language to be exceptionally difficult. My mind just seems to not work that way. Do you have any advice for someone to learn a new language from scratch while on a super tight budget?
N
iTunes podcasts – Learn French by Podcast and similar stuff. Most of them are free, as long as you have an internet connection and a computer.
Anonymous
My public library has a subscription to a web service for learning languages. You may want to check your public library. They may also have Berlitz audio lessons, etc.
Anonymous
Start with your library offerings. IMHO though it is hard to learn a language on your own. Check out your local community college, you may be able to take a class there for next to nothing. Also, meetup has conversation groups for beginners in many languages depending on where you live. At least in D.C., they only charge $5 and it may be a great way to meet people.
Bonnie
Oops. Responded without a name by accident.
Darlene
Is there a particular industry that you would like to have as a client once you find your law job? If so, this is a great time to learn all about it. Perhaps begin a blog in which you interview experts in that field and the things you learn about it. Identify interesting problems and issues within the industry and highlight possible solutions that you read or hear about. The positive about this is that it will be obvious to interviewers that you give more than lip service to your interest, and if a firm you interview with services that industry, you’ll be an obvious asset to them. The negative is that if you’re actually open to working in ANYTHING, someone may not hire you because you have demonstrated such a specialized interest.
Sydney Bristow
Darlene, that is an interesting idea. I am open to working with any industry, but I do have a particular interest in mind. I suppose I could play it up only if the place I apply to or interview with deals with that industry. Thanks for the suggestion!
Hairy
Any advice for dealing with dense, thick underarm hair that grows in numerous directions? The hair is dark with deep roots, and my skin is pasty white. I can never get a clean shave – even the closest shave leaves my underarms looking stubbly. I was once told that I wasn’t a great candidate for waxing because the hair is growing every which way. I’ve tweezed, but it is absurd and takes forever, and leaves me looking bumpy and red. The hair grows back so quickly that by the time the bumps go away, new hair is popping up.
I’d really prefer to avoid anything expensive and time consuming (repeated laser hair removal or electrolysis) – I view that as an absolute last resort. Anything else to try in the meantime?
lawyerette
If you don’t want to do laser, then I think you should try Nair or some other chemical hair removers like that. They won’t care what direction your hair is growing in.
Hairy
I’ve tried Nair on my legs (more more reasonable, finer hair) and wasn’t too impressed with the results (didn’t quite get all the hair, wasn’t smooth). I’m not sure if I tried under my arms or not, but if I did, not a magic bullet. This was a solid 5-6 years ago though, so I think I’ll give it another go!
lawyerette
I haven’t tried it in 10+ years but that’s all I can think of short of laser. I did laser 4 years ago for my undearms (very similar situation to yours, but mostly the issue was that I had to shave every day and got lots of irritation as a result) and while eventually quite a bit of the hair has grown back, it’s grown back thinner and much more sparse than before, and now I only have to shave once a week. I got a special for 6 treatments for $300 and highly recommend it (the treatments themselves took 15 mins).
MelD
There are new formulas out there that are much better than the ones from 5-6 years ago. Veet has a 4-minute one that comes with an exfoliating sponge that I like better than Nair.
anon33
I’ve found Sally Hansen to be really effective for hair removal. Instead of tweezing one by one, you may want to try an epilator (check out epilady). It mechanically tweezes, so it’s reasonably fast. I use it on my legs and arms, since I have really dark hair so shaving my legs has to be a daily thing, and I have to otherwise bleach my arm hair. It hurt the first time, but not after that.
Eponine
Try Veet instead of Nair. I don’t like Nair at all, but Veet works for me. I use the kind for dry skin in the green tube.
zelda
you could try using an epilator? (kind of like tweezers on steroids!) the first few times using one can be pretty painful but, as with waxing/tweezing, the pain decreases w/ time.
Tired Squared
Second the epilator … pain decreases over time, PLUS the hair growth decreases over time too. I’m Asian, with medium-brown skin and dark black hair, and I used to shave every day … and now I epilate once every 10-14 days or so.
Hairy
Wow, I had honestly never heard of an epilator. Actually, I guess the term was familiar, but this is not what I thought it did. I think I’m sold!!
anony
That. The hair litteraly did not come back.
RK
I would recommend regular exfoliation of your underarms as well as looking into epilators. I use a Braun 5270. Yes, it hurts the first 2-3 times. But, after that, the hair is much finer and you are more used to the sensation (by the time you cry out, the pain is gone, same as with waxing imo) and it will grow slower.
rg
You might still try waxing, despite the previous warning you had. A good specialist might be able to help you out…though it may take longer initially. I wouldn’t be surprised if the multi-directional growth is also a result of years of shaving.
Also, after it starts growing back thinner, you might try switching to an epilator (I use a Braun wet/dry one). I would not start with an epilator as they do not exfoliate, and you’ll probably get a lot of ingrown hairs. Also, I still get a wax every few months to ensure I don’t end up with ingrown hairs
Another Sarah
I agree that you can still wax. The waxer will take a look, see what direction the hairs are growing and proceed accordingly. One of my underarms has to take 4 strips because my hair is growing in 4 different directions. Which, from what I understand, is completely normal for underarm hair. If they’re good, they know what they’re doing.
Tessa
Just wanted to thank everyone who made recommendations and offered support last week on my HPV vaccine / needle phobia. While it was definitely unpleasant, I survived and with my toe wiggling and advance Motrin-taking, I think I did a lot better than I otherwise would have. (My own impromptu chomping on my thumb nail also helped – I’ve never been a nail biter, but the injection felt like it just went on and on and this helped. Real attractive, I know.) One down, two to go!
RK
can you put up the link to that thread? I just came across this and would like to read the discussion. thanks!
Sydney Bristow
https://corporette.com/2011/02/14/coffee-break-cuddl-duds-climatesmart-temperature-sensitive-long-john-pants/#comments
Its about 1/3 of the way down.
Anonymous
Not to dissuade you, but I received all 3 HPV shots before I lost my virginity (I know, I’m a youngin’) and I still got HPV and precancerous cells on my cervix. So don’t feel like being vaccinated is an excuse for forgoing paps and regular check ups.
But congrats on getting it done!
nonA
I know there have been a lot of discussions of photoshop retouching on here -just wanted to share an amusing site that collects photoshop disasters in advertisements: http://www.psdisasters.com. Enjoy!
Batgirl
Taxes–is it worth going to the H&R Block office (or something similar) as opposed to using the software program if your taxes are relatively simple? I’ve got money in a 401K and Roth IRA, a crapload of debt and some savings. A lot of healthcare expenses this year but I don’t think I can itemize.
For those who have gone in person, do you know what sort of thing runs you?
lawyerette
do it online at least at first. you don’t have to pay unless you file. then compare. at H&R block you won’t have to pay unless you file either. I’ve found them to be way too expensive, like $120 for a fairly simple return that I could have gotten for free because my income qualified. check if you qualify to file for free here:
http://www.irs.gov/efile/article/0,,id=118986,00.html
lawyerette
(by filing for free I mean with websites like TaxAct and others, if your AGI is $58,000 or less you qualify)
J
Go for the software! It’s much more economical, and with a simple-ish return like yours, you won’t have any problem.
I’m a CPA, and we have always used Turbo Tax or Tax Slayer. Friends that have used H&R Block or similar have paid between $100 and $150. Even if you don’t qualify for free filing through the link posted above, it shouldn’t cost you more than $50 to do federal and state!
Good luck!
EC
I represent taxpayers in audits, and I’ve seen lots of horror stories out of H&R Block (and all the other big-box streetcorner tax prep places), even on relatively simple returns. If you’re going to use a tax prep professional, ask around for recommendations and try to find someone in a smaller shop. For federal taxes, I’m not sure it’s necessary to go to an office at all, but state taxes can be really quirky and can change a lot from year to year. You local tax prep expert would be better suited to sort that through with you.
Anon 2.0
H& R Block tried to rip me off. I have learned to handle my own finances because of them and others who think women are stupid.
Res Ipsa
Use the software. We went one year to H&R Block because we anticipated one issue that we thought a professional would have been able to handle. Let’s just say that the H&R Block ‘professionals’ did not inspire confidence. For what they charged, it was definitely not worth it. If you’ve got a family member nearby, you can go in on the price of the software, since I think each software package has got something like 6 returns included. Check & see.
Guest
And don’t give up on itemizing your health care expenses quite yet. I hadn’t done it (figured it didn’t matter) but my fiance decided he’d do it and see the result and I got like $8-900 more dollars back (I did have $12,000 in health costs last year…did I mention I’m a sicko?)
But, we did it all with Turbo Tax and it was super easy. I think they make it so easy, the in person people seem like a lot more work then they’re worth.
Batgirl
Cool, this just reaffirms my software-using tendencies. Thanks all!
K
The one and only time I used H&R Block, they screwed up and I ended up having to file an amended return. I’ve used TurboTax the last few years and have been very happy with it.
AnonDC
We used H&R Block two years ago, with disastrous results. I even specified we needed a CPA, because we had a few complicated tax issues. We got letters from the IRS and the state about a month after filing, telling us that we had OVERpaid on both. We overpaid federal taxes by over $4000. When we went to H&R Block to complain they said we were not entitled to a refund of their fees (I think they charged around $600) since the mistake was in our favor. Needless to say, we will not be using H&R Block again!
Kit
I get migraines with aura too and found that completely stopping birth control has completely stopped my migraines (knock on wood that this continues). I’ve been researching more about birth control and talking to other women who have felt much better after getting off of it. I’ve sworn never to take it again!
However, I’m also not interested in have 18 kids… I have two friends that swear by the Lady Comp and Baby Comp, which are computers that track your cycle. It’s like the rhythm method, but with accuracy only a computer can provide. I haven’t made the plunge yet, but I am definitely considering it.
Birth control sucks and quitting it makes me wonder how much better women would feel if we all quit taking it, i.e. no more headaches, mood swings, anxiety, etc. Now that I stopped, I have more energy, am in a better mood, higher sex drive, and NO MIGRAINES!!! Did I mention that I am NEVER TAKING BIRTH CONTROL AGAIN?
Kit
Whoops! Obviously this was meant for the conversation below and has absolutely nothing to do with taxes.
Louise
I’ve gotten a migraine while doing my taxes, so it isn’t completely out of place in this discussion…
Ekaterin Nile
I hired a tax professional with a list of certification to do my taxes for a couple of years. She botched handling sales of a stock that had split that year and claimed a deduction for tuition that I was not paying since I had a full scholarship. Obviously this required filing amended returns. Bizarrely, she didn’t seem to know how to handle the stock split so I ended up doing research on the IRS and other websites to instruct her. Worst thing was that she never apologized for the errors.
I now use TurboTax.
Ru
Stay away from H&R Block. The people doing your taxes are just trained in using the software. I almost lost out on about $1k – but I caught them when I innocently asked, “why haven’t you entered my education info form?” right when they were about to submit. Way overpriced for no expertise. I’ve been filing with TurboTax and am much happier.
kat
Hey ladies–
Since Tessa’s Gardasil advice worked out so well, I’m considering crowd-sourcing my own women’s health issue. I’m interested if any of you have experience with IUDs, especially the more recent copper versions and the Mirena.
I get migraines with auras and apparently that’s a big no-no for dual hormone BC. When my last provider heard I was using the Nuvaring, she promptly took me off it and had me start a progesterone-only pill. I kind of hate it–you have to be SUPER careful about taking it within a 3 hour time period, and it’s led to pretty regular spotting issues. Also–the lack of dual hormone means that adult acne is a TOTAL bummer (I am in my late 20s).
In any case, I went to a new doctor who strongly advocated that I consider an IUD, either the Mirena or the other one–I think it is called Paraguard? I’d like to hear your experiences on either. Currently I am thinking that it is a pretty sensible idea (I hate remembering the pill, the Mirena at least is linked to lessened periods, I am not planning on having children for another several years). But I’m also a being a wuss because–well, I saw a picture of one, and it was disturbingly NOT SMALL. And apparently there is some pretty serious cramping in the earlier months with the Mirena, and potentially heavier periods overall for the Paraguard.
Thoughts?
As just a general whine, I hate that all bc methods seem sub-ideal for one reason or another. And sometimes I think that the moderate probabilistic increase in the chance of stroke is not really outweighed by the 100% certainty of bad skin, but that’s just me being vain.
Marj
I think commenters a few weeks ago said that IUDs can be extremely painful if your uterus isn’t already stretched out (= you already carried a fetus that got pretty large).
Anon for this one
Kit:
I had the same experience with not being able to take the mini-pill (spotting, bloating, general crabbiness). I did consider Mirena, but in the end, I decided just to use condoms with my spouse. It took hormones and stress out of my life, which was a good thing. Of course it’s not ideal, but then neither are any of the other birth control methods.
Another non-hormonal option you may want to consider is Fertility Awareness Method. It is NOT the rhythm method, but a lot more accurate than that. I highly recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. (actually, I highly recommend this book to ANY woman of childbearing age.)
BB
I’ve got the opposite problem. I have severe PMDD (lasting 2+ weeks per month), and the only way to stop it is to go on birth control. Not good when you’re hoping to conceive and fertility treatments failed.
I guess I don’t have much to add. For me, the ring was the best, with pretty few side-effects. (My hair did fall out for about 90 days after I stopped taking it though – that was annoying.)
Anon131
I have had a Paragard (copper) IUD in place for about four years now. I decided to get it for reasons similar to those behind your doctor’s recommendations: BC pills were giving me headaches and causing other problems, and I didn’t want to start using a barrier method like a diaphragm or condoms.
I absolutely love the IUD. When I first got it put in, my periods were slightly heavier and my monthly cramping slightly worse, but nothing major at all — and honestly, they are not that much different from the periods I experienced pre-BC pills. The one caution I would give you is that insertion can be painful if you haven’t had a child (it is more difficult to place the IUD through your cervix). My insertion was fairly painful, although I don’t know how much of that was influenced by the fact that I didn’t research the insertion procedure much. Find a doctor (it sounds like yours may be) who is experienced with IUD insertion (mine was, and I think that helped). The insertion pain is over quickly, and while I had some cramping afterwards it was nothing major. And now not only am I hormone free, but I have BC I never have to think about (or pay for!), other than checking for the strings every month. Highly recommended.
E
I’m chiming in to say that I’ve had the exact same experience with the Paragard. I’ve had it for five years, and while the insertion was unpleasant I’ve been really pleased overall. Now that we’re thinking about kids, my GYN says removal is a snap, and we can start trying right away. I was on Depo-Provera in college, which I’m told can impair fertility for a couple of years after you stop.
zelda
for questions about birth control i like to consult the ladies at http://community.livejournal.com/birthcontrol! i know lj seems really 1999 but it’s a great resource w/ tons of information and women sharing their personal experiences with different forms of bc.
middle-aged anon
My friend (age 44) got the Mirena a few months ago to control heavy menstrual bleeding. She is finished having children and has never been treated for depression. She had to jump through A LOT of hoops to get the Mirena – pelvic ultrasound (never fun), insurance issues, the actual appliance being backordered (?!), scheduling issues as far as insertion. She took a lot of PTO to deal with it but now she LOVES it. She had no cramping at all until about month 3 and even then it was livable, she said.
I’m envious of how it worked out for her (not envious about all the PTO and all the WAITING, though), but don’t consider myself a candidate for the Mirena at this point. I’m done having kids but have had three bad depressive episodes, #2 coming after I was on Ortho-Tricyclen. So I’m pretty gun-shy about anything dispensing hormones inside me that I can’t control myself. On top of that, the idea of having anything inside me that needs a clinician’s help to remove, squicks me out. On top of that, I have fibroids and retroversion which contraindicate the Mirena. (I’m 39.)
tldr version: some women love the Mirena. I would be a little worried about combining the hormones with your migraine triggers, but I am not a doctor or obviously, your doctor.
Good luck! I hope you find a solution that’s easy for you to live with – and covered by your insurance. (Contraception – not covered by mine!)
Anon in Ny
One additional point depending on when/if you want kids – IUD’s are used in early first trimester abortions because they prevent implantation. So, if you do have an accidental pregnancy while using an IUD, its likely that pregnancy will be terminated when the doctor removes the IUD. My doctor told me that it would be very difficult/dangerous to continue a pregnancy with an IUD in place, and removing the IUD would most likely terminate a pregnancy.
That wasn’t an issue for me at the time, but now that I’m a few years older and married I’d feel differently about having an “oops” pregnancy and it needing to be terminated.
meme
I have the copper ID because I cannot, for medical reasons, use any hormone-based method. I recommend it. The insertion was unpleasant but not too bad – some slight cramping for a few hours. If you take ibuprofin before you should be fine (I did not do this but think it would have solved most of my discomfort). I do have children, so I can’t speak to what it would have been like if not. My periods were heavier for the first 6 months or so but nothing crazy. The best part is I never have to think about it.
MelD
The increase in stroke is actually very minimal. I faced the same decision and my symptoms off hormonal BCPs (I am on Nuvaring) were so misery inducing that I decided to stay on Nuvaring when I realized that IUDs would not work for me. My symptoms really are a lot better on Nuvaring than they were on other BCPs and the minipill. I haven’t had a migraine with aura since I started.
I was told that for Mirena, you really should have at least a 6.5-7cm uterus to ensure no ill side effects. I think the Paraguard may be available in other sizes, but if you have issues with cramping/heavy periods without hormones, then it’s not going to be a good choice either.
Ann
I have a Mirena IUD and I also have migraines, and I love my IUD. However, I have had a baby – I got the IUD inserted 8 weeks after I gave birth – and my OB told me at the time he has not had good luck with IUDs in women who haven’t been pregnant, because of the “larger uterus” issue Marj mentions). I had an emergency c-section before my due date and only ever barely dilated and I will say, the insertion was no picnic. But since then I’ve had no issues.
I never had any kind of luck, at all, with birth control pills. I have been on at least 8 different kinds in my life and at least five of them made the migraines worse – Yasmin was the absolute worst for that. The progesterone in Mirena seems to work really well with my system and because the level is constant, I don’t have the ups and downs and hormonally-triggered migraines I used to have. I also don’t have periods any more, although I do have a hormonal cycle (I can tell because I get tender breasts and break out a teeny bit once a month). Not bleeding has been pretty awesome, let me just say, as someone who used to have to wear night pads during the day and change them every two hours.
I would ask your doctor frankly about the pain issue if you haven’t had a baby, and see what s/he says. You probably won’t know how well it works for you – or if it works at all – until you try it. Remember, they are removable if you end up hating it or having a bad reaction.
EC
A friend who hadn’t had a child got the Mirena, and had to have it removed – really bad acne and serious anxiety, with lots of cramping in between. I think she had it in for a year. She said that having it inserted wasn’t fun, but having it taken out was one of the most painful things she’d ever been through.
Good luck.
Legally Brooklyn
Like kat, I have migraines with aura and had been searching for a b.c. option–in particular an option that would abate debilitating pms/cramping. I got Mirena in June 2010 (I initially sought it out in March, but as another poster mentioned, there are a lot of hoops to jump through to get it approved by your insurance. I ended up just going to planned parenthood, which was a very easy process).
The insertion was very painful, but it was relatively quick so it wasn’t too terrible. The next few days, however, were pretty uncomfortable. The night after the insertion was the worst–terrible cramping the entire night.
After you get through the initial pain, I think it’s worth it. There are noticeable side effects, but I think they’ve started to wear off. Around mid-August, I had a sinus infection for a month or so that I couldn’t shake which was attributed to the Mirena. If you google Mirena, there are a lot of boards that catalogue the negative side effects; I’d recommend looking at the message boards. Also, I haven’t noticed any change in my skin since taking Mirena and I had pretty bad acne before starting b.c. (I was on yaz before). Another thing to note about IUDs is that it can cause infertility if you have never had a child before and contract certain STDs. Your doctor should walk you through these effects.
Overall, I’d say I’m happy with my choice of Mirena; my periods have completely stopped (awesome!) and I don’t have to worry about taking a pill each night. The side effects, while they exist, are negligible (for me at least).
*Formerly* Preggo Angie
Great discussion! I’m getting my Mirena at my 6-week check-up now that I have my baby boy and baby girl. I heard it hurts when it’s inserted, but between the toddler and the newborn I don’t think I have the focus to take a pill everyday at the same time. Will report back once the procedure is complete.
EC MD
Personally, I found it only mildly uncomfortable at the 6 week post partum insertion (especially when compared to other recent events my uterus and associated girl parts had been involved in).
Congrats!
TT
Hey there! I also got Mirena at my 6-week pp, but then had it removed a few days later. It really dried up my milk supply. YMMV, but just an FYI.
K
I got my Mirena at the 12 week postpartum. The baby was a planned c-section, so there was no dilation/labor. Insertion hurt, but is totally manageable (I took the baby to the library immediately following)–the ob/gyn gave me tylenol at the insertion — I should taken it before. Periods are super light and more like spotting than a period. HTH.
Anonymous
Same. I had it inserted about 12 weeks postpartum at 7:30 in the morning and went to work for the rest of the day (looking back, and end-of-the-day appt. with Advil before would have been better). A couple of days of mild cramping and nothing since. Very, very light periods – more like spotting – that I can mostly use a liner for.
ChickintheStix
Angie–congratulations! And, a second on this, as soon as I give birth to this third baby, conceived, no doubt, on a day I forgot to take a little pill….
EC MD
Mirena IUD user here. Got it post partum (of note, I conceived with NuvaRing in place) and didn’t mind the placement at all. I have migraines, and have noticed no change in intensity or frequency with or without the IUD. Of note, the theory about Mirena (and NuvaRing) is that you can provide a much lower dose of hormones because you are relying on local activity — meaning that theoretically you should have lower circulating levels and therefore lower sytemic effects. Clearly, not everyone feels that way. I love mine, cause I literally never think about birth control. I have had little cramping and very little side effect. I’m thinking about getting my pulled to have a shot at another kid, but I would definitely get it replaced. It’s been my favorite method of birth control by far (and I tried patch, pills, ring, and IUD).
As a quick reminder, everyone is bringing up really good information about potential side effects and bad outcomes, but don’t forget that these, overall, are very rare occurences, and that all methods of birth control have their pitfalls. IUDS have a bad rap in someways, not necessarily deserved in this day and age.
Star
I’d love to hear other stories from people that had birth control “failures.” I put “failures” in quotes because I don’t want to make it sound like I’m knocking EC MD’s child. I’m curious how often they happen when used “correctly.” I find real stories so much more usefully than pharma company stats.
EC MD
Ha! It was a total failure of birth control — though the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Once you get pregnant accidently, and are not shy about telling people, you hear a ton of anecdotal stories about failure of birth control. I was very fortunate in that I was already engaged to my now husband, and kids were definitely part of our long term plan, so while it was a shock, and a total adjustment, it was ultimately a joyous accident.
In all honesty, I was a surgical resident working at least 80 hours a week at the time we conceived (how I was fertile is a bit of a mystery to me…) so it is possible that I miscounted days with nuvaring. That’s one of the reasons I adore my IUD — there’s basically no way for me to screw it up.
Emily I
My youngest child was conceived on the pill. I only missed one pill – I come from a very fertile family. We had planned on having a third child, but the pregnancy seemed like terrible timing since I knew my job would be ending, and I was afraid of job hunting while very pregnant. Long story, short: I found another job that is perfect for me and my baby (who is now 2) perfectly completes our family. It really all worked out for the very best! (Oh, and my darling husband had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about birth control anymore. Yippee!)
Anonymous
I got pregnant accidentally while using both the diaphragm and the sponge. My doctor told me that I needed to use hormonal BC because my partner and I were “too fertile.” So I went on NuvaRing and had no problems there.
Lyssa
Probably not relevant, because it happened so long ago, but my husband was an oops baby. I guess it wasn’t just a failure, his mom was on BC but took antibiotics (I guess it’s more well known now that that’s a problem). Anyway, it worked out just fine, of course (His parents were married, but dirt poor and his dad was stationed on Navy subs most of the time, so I guess it seemed less than ideal then.)
I’m also told that his slightly younger sister was, not a birth control failure, but “the one time that they threw caution to the wind.” Heh. (also: gross.)
Anon
My sister was conceived while my mom was taking the pill.
Diana
I’m 25, never been pregnant and got the IUD to help with terrible periods and estrogen dominance. I had an extremely painful insertion experience but I would still say it’s 100% worth it (5 months later).
The reason mine was so painful was because I wasn’t on my period so my cervix was very tightly closed and because the doctor had to do the insertion twice which pissed my uterus off. The tube through which they insert the IUD popped out the first time. The sounding is the worst part and while the cramps I got after insertion weren’t the worst cramps I’ve ever had they were quite painful. Ibuprofen didn’t help and the cramps seemed to hit out of nowhere and knock the wind out of me for about two weeks. They gradually subsided and now I only experience menstrual cramps.
My periods haven’t disappeared but they are lighter and much less painful and as an additional positive side effect from correcting the estrogen dominance I’ve lost 40lbs of the 70 or so I’ve been trying to lose since college.
Diana
forgot to specify I have Mirena as well
Anon in Ny
Oh god, I forgot about the sounding. That was far and away the worst part for me – likely because they had to “stabilize” my cervix to do it, which meant grabbing the cervix with a forceps :::shudder:::
When your doctor compliments you for not moving, screaming, or passing out its not a fun procedure.
JessC
OMG. I think I just felt my uterus cringe after reading these last few comments. Eeek. Thank god the pill doesn’t give me any terrible side effects.
Tessa
JessC, I am with you!! I’m so sorry you ladies had to go through this.
Anonymous
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU GO INTO LABOR, LADIES! :)
Anonymous
This happened to me – but not during an IUD insertion (can’t have one – I’m contraindicated because of a previous ectopic – you’re at a higher risk of ectopic with an IUD). I was having a uterine biopsy done, which from the sound of it, seems a lot like the IUD insertion procedure. I had lots of advice from others who have had the very uncomfortable procedure, and I popped a vicodin beforehand because I was so nervous about the pain. Once they started going at my cervix with those forceps, I was pretty glad I was prepared!
So my advice would be to try to get an Rx for a good painkiller to take beforehand.
And I’ll chime in with the above poster – hooray for vasectomies. My second is 6 months and my husband is having his test next week to make sure that there is no more BC in our future! :-)
Anonymous
Oh, and re the above – labor is a completely different thing. Pain with a purpose and all that. I really did not think labor was a big deal – the 9 months before it is so much worse cumulatively. But then again, I’m pro-epidural. :-)
Guest
I have a Mirena IUD and, unlike many of the users here, I’ve never been pregnant or had a baby. Reasons for getting it were basically that due to some medical issues (most especially a blood clot I developed after surgery) I simply couldn’t take or use most other birth controls.
(1) Pain. Getting it put in hurt like hell. Won’t lie. I’d suggest taking some ibuprofen first…but really, I think it’s just gonna hurt. Note, though, that I got mine put in while I was having some ongoing issues causing some swelling in that neck of the woods, so…might not be so bad for you. I haven’t had on-going cramping, even in the first few months after (though…I have a GI condition, so maybe I wouldn’t notice. :-P) But…yeah, I felt like 15 minutes of discomfort was worth five years of protection.
(2) Periods. Yeah, I don’t get those anymore. Its awesome.
(3) Other: I know there is concern with the Mirena and issues that can arise with STDs. You need to be VERY confident that you will not be exposed to STDs while the Mirena is in. So, if you’re having sex with someone you’re not entirely sure of, a condom is still strongly recommended.
Hope this helps.
Poopy
Guest, do you have Crohns? I’m only asking because I do and I swear the GI inflamation leads to internal lady part inflamation too.
EC MD
You’re right. It does. Well, at least I’ve heard that from a ton of my patients.
And I love your tongue in cheek moniker — you are obviously pretty well adjusted if you can use such a name :)
Guest
I do have Crohns…good guess. I also had fistulas which added to the lady parts issues.
Basically…I’m a mess. But at least with my Mirena, we won’t be adding pregnancy to the mix (unless and until I’m ready. :)
Poopy
Oh man – without hijacking this whole thread, I have been checked for fistulas more times than I can count and they haven’t been discovered but I swear I have one. I had the hardest time finding a gyno willing to deal with a GI case or a GI willing to deal with a possible gyno case. I lived in a rural area a the time and I appreciated them telling me it was outside their expertise but it was oh so frustrating when no one wanted to look for them/treat me. I’m in a new area now with much better doctors. I’m pretty much in remission except for the gotta go when I gotta go thing and the anxiety that stems from that.
EC MD , thank you. I’m a litigation lawyer and an outspoken advocate for the CCFA. I’m totally “out” about my crohns and I find that it has made my life so much easier. Are you a GI?
Guest, if you want to email me, use my junk email doggyplaygroup at yahoo. If we connect I’ll give you my real email.
EC MD
I’m not a GI — I’m a general surgeon, so I see quite a bit of Crohn/UC/IBD.
Poopy — I strongly recommend getting a second opinion at an academic institution. In my experience, there is a lot of multidisciplinary cross talk between the gyns, GI and surgeons. At least at my institution there are a core group of several surgeons, several GIs and a couple of gyns who are used to working together on these complicated issues. You may end up feeling like the GI care you are getting at home is sufficient, but you may find a gyn at the big center is better equiped to deal with the gyn issue of Crohn patients.
I just want to say that though I don’t have IBD, I know plenty of patients who do. It’s a very challenging disease to live and thrive with, and I tip my hat to you. What you are doing is not easy, and I am in awe of your strength!
Guest
Poopy! I am ALSO a litigatrix who is an outspoken advocate for the CCFA (I’m now on my second half-marathon for Team Challenge). I’m pretty open about the disease at work, because I HAVE to be, I’ve worked there six months and already been hospitalized once. Don’t want them to think I’m just a whiner. ;-)
As to the fistula. I was actually initially misdiagnosed as having another thing — a Bartholin’s cyst. I’m not kidding, even my pelvic-MRI was initially misread, they can be INCREDIBLY hard to deal with. My advice — if you’re very concerned, consider a consult with a colo-rectal surgeon at a teaching hospital. They actually deal with fistulas frequently, more frequently than most GIs or OB-GYNs…and once you HAVE been established to have a fistula, you won’t be treated by a OB-GYN anyway. Fistulas can become very serious if not cared for…not to mention the discomfort, etc.
Poopy, I’m definitely going to e-mail you. :-)
Guest
Also…agree with the moniker. I love me a good poop joke.
I’ve thought about posting on here about working in “hard-driving” careers with a chronic illness. Interested that others might have some tips and thoughts. :-)
meara
That would be a very interesting post, do it! And goodness, there seem to be a lot of us who get migraines on here! Though I’m on the pill to help prevent them, rather than going off it because of them (luckily(?) I don’t get auras, just horrible nausea)
Coach Laura
The Chronicle of Higher Education has a forum that is mainly for academics. However, it has a great sub-forum for those dealing with chronic health issues: http://chronicle.com/forums/index.php/board,55.0.html
These people are bright and hard-working with challenging careers, so this would be a great place to ask questions and get support, even if you’re not in academia.
Wobbly
Not my usual moniker (which I suppose says something about how comfortable I feel about me and my chronic illness), but I’d certainly be interested in that sort of post. Re: Laura, below – I’m familiar with the Chronicle forums, but there are different issues with having a 9-5 (or 8-6 or whatever) job – I’m in a half-academic job and have a variety of problems.
Betty
I have Crohns too and I use the implanon – all seems well so far.
Poopy
Healingwell dot com has great forums for chronic illness. However, a lot of the people on there stay home so it is not always the best for professional issues. Though there are a good handful. I haven’t been on there in a couple years because Ive been busy and like I said above, more or less in remission. That is the other downside. Most of the people that post are the ones that are actively very sick so it can be disheartening if you are newly diagnosed and think “this is what it is going to be like?” You have to keep in mind the healthier people are out living their lives.
goirishkj
Poopy and Guest–I’m also a lawyer (I do a mix of litigation and transactions) who has IBD. I was initially diagnosed with Crohn’s but a year later a different GI (I was just out of college and had moved, so new doctor) thought my symptoms were more in line with UC. IBD in general runs in my family–dad died of Crohn’s complications and paternal grandma had all the classic Crohn’s symptoms but was never diagnosed.
How’s the Team Challenge experience? I love the half distance and keep toying with the idea to do something tangible to remember my dad’s legacy.
Oh and the hard-driving career–man it is tough sometimes. No one ever really understands that when I say I have to stop, I mean it. I keep pushing and pushing and sometimes it catches up to me. People don’t realize that when I finally say I don’t feel well, things are pretty bad. I find running helps as does getting plenty of sleep since stress is my major trigger. Interested in other perspectives though!
Guest
Goirishkj,
I can’t figure out how to respond directly to you. Weird.
Team Challenge is one of the best things I’ve ever decided to do for myself. I made tons of friends in my area and its just an added plus that some of them have IBD because, hey, it is nice to have people who understand. I actually almost mentioned it in the thread the other day about people trying to make friends as adults, since it was the most successful thing for me.
I think its also just a great experience in general, even if you’re not looking to make friends. Race weekend is really motivational and fun and it can actually be really inspiring to fundraise, you hear all sorts of really encouraging stories from people when you contact them.
I sound like a commercial for TC right now, but I really can’t say enough about it. :-)
Anonymous
Guest–I can’t reply to your latest post either. Hopefully you’ll see this reply!
Thanks for the info on TC–that’s exactly what I was hoping that it would be. Unfortunately, I don’t live somewhere with a local team but the description of race day sounds awesome. One of the reasons I enjoy running is because I can–I know that I’m very lucky to basically be in remission but I know that may not always be the case. As a result, as long as I can do things like run, I feel like I owe it to myself to do so. It probably won’t be until 2012 before I can do it–I’m training for a half this spring (it was the first half I ran, 10 years ago!) and then I’m hoping to finally do a fall marathon. I’ve been saying I would run a marathon for the last two years but various health/life issues have gotten in the way. Anyways, hopefully someday we will meet in real life–thank you very much for your advocacy and your hard work for CCFA.
goirishkj
Guest–hopefully you see this response. I am having trouble replying directly to you. Thanks for the info on TC. That’s exactly what I was hoping it would be. Unfortunately, I don’t live in a place with a local team, but race day sounds really awesome. One of the reasons I run is because I can–I know that I am lucky to basically be in remission, but I’ve seen the worst this disease can do. I know I may not always be so lucky and I feel like I owe it to myself to be active while my body will let me be active, so to be around people who really understand that sounds really great.
Hopefully we will meet on race day someday. I probably won’t be able to do TC until 2012 since I’ve got a half in the spring (it was my first half 10 years ago so I’m running it again as sort of a celebration) and then I’m hoping to finally get a full marathon under my belt. I’ve tried to run a full marathon the last two years but health/life issues have gotten in the way. I’m determined that this year is the year!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your work for CCFA to make life better for all of us!
Guest
Hi goirishkj,
Don’t know if you’ll get this since its the end of the weekend, but I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. :-) Though I have to be honest, I mostly do Team Challenge for me. I mean, the theoretical hope of finding a cure is great, but for me its the chance to meet awesome people, make awesome friends, and have some fun that brought me back for more. Very self-sacrificing, I know. :-P
I think you are not alone in the running because you can. One of the other people on Team Challenge who gave the big “speech” at the dinner before last summer’s race said that Team Challenge was part of her commitment to stop living life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That really hit home for me; you can worry about it all you want, or you can live life to the fullest and hope for the best. I’ve gone with plan B. Sounds like you have as well!
Yay IBD (ha! don’t hear that too often).
Guest
Poopy! I am ALSO a litigatrix who is an outspoken advocate for the CCFA (I’m now on my second half-marathon for Team Challenge). I’m pretty open about the disease at work, because I HAVE to be, I’ve worked there six months and already been hospitalized once. Don’t want them to think I’m just a whiner. ;-) I’m not new to Crohn’s but I am a new lawyer and new to being in my “career” and in this economy, I think the constant terror about not wanting to be “dispensable” is a tad stressful. I try hard not to worry too much about it, in the end, there’s nothing I can really do.
As to the fistula. I was actually initially misdiagnosed as having another thing — a Bartholin’s cyst. I’m not kidding, even my pelvic-MRI was initially misread, they can be INCREDIBLY hard to deal with. My advice — if you’re very concerned, consider a consult with a colo-rectal surgeon at a teaching hospital. They actually deal with fistulas frequently, more frequently than most GIs or OB-GYNs…and once you HAVE been established to have a fistula, you won’t be treated by a OB-GYN anyway. Fistulas can become very serious if not cared for…not to mention the discomfort, etc.
Poopy, I’m definitely going to e-mail you. :-)
goirishkj
Sorry for the double post! Must.Finish.Coffee.NOW!
Jas
I have no real advice, I just wanted to commiserate on the sucky choice that is birth control.
All hormonal bc I’ve taken mucks with my moods, makes me cry at the drop of a hat, and kills my libido. I feel so much better off it, I’m half considering staying single so I don’t have to go back on.
I’m tempted by an IUD, but I’m worried about the cramping. I have pretty bad cramps already, and I don’t know how well I’d handle more. My sister recently got the copper IUD and her cramps went from “annoying” to the point where she’s now on prescription painkillers to deal with them.
Lana Lang
Yes! I never realised how badly the pill messed with my head until I stopped taking it. I’m not seeing anyone right now, but I really just cannot imagine having to start taking anything again with hormones in.
Kit
Re-post due to above misplacement:
I get migraines with aura too and found that completely stopping birth control has completely stopped my migraines (knock on wood that this continues). I’ve been researching more about birth control and talking to other women who have felt much better after getting off of it. I’ve sworn never to take it again!
However, I’m also not interested in have 18 kids… I have two friends that swear by the Lady Comp and Baby Comp, which are computers that track your cycle. It’s like the rhythm method, but with accuracy only a computer can provide. I haven’t made the plunge yet, but I am definitely considering it.
Birth control sucks and quitting it makes me wonder how much better women would feel if we all quit taking it, i.e. no more headaches, mood swings, anxiety, etc. Now that I stopped, I have more energy, am in a better mood, higher sex drive, and NO MIGRAINES!!! Did I mention that I am NEVER TAKING BIRTH CONTROL AGAIN?
Read more: https://corporette.com/2011/02/18/weekend-open-thread-73/#ixzz1ELxiXbkX
MelD
Keep in mind that every woman’s experience is different. For many women, hormonal birth control is a Godsend because it alleviates a lot of the really awful symptoms. Before birth control, my symptoms just kept worsening to the point where I was miserable a good portion of every month with 10-day menstrual migraines, 5 days of cramping plus cramping between periods, and extremely heavy bleeding. It’s such a relief now that 1/3 of my month or more isn’t guaranteed to be filled with pain!
Previous poster - not really upset
Agree – I know I have side effects from the birth control, but I can’t spend 1/3 of every month having blackouts in the bathroom from cramps, or the cost of tampons to cover 10-15 day periods. I’m perfectly willing to deal with the birth control side effects! But I think if I had “normal” periods, it would be a harder choice.
Lynnet
I don’t have any side effects from hormonal birth control (except I increased a cup size from A to B) and I absolutely love it. For me it’s completely eliminated cramps from my life, regulated my moods swings, and basically just worked perfectly. And I had relatively “normal” periods before I went on it. Even though I know lots of people have trouble with the pill, it has made my life so much better.
BB
YES. This is what I’m experiencing right now – I’ve got the migraine/aura thing going on for the third straight day. Flu-like achiness. Anxiety. ARGGH… I am seriously considering ggoing back on the ring, and that’s so depressing b/c I would really, really like to get pregnant. Sad… But I can’t live 1/3-1/2 of my life feeling like this (for the next couple of years).
Ann
FWIW – in addition to terrible bleeding I used to have terrible cramping as well. Now that I don’t bleed any more, I don’t cramp. Part of what the IUD does is thin your uterine lining so that you either stop bleeding or bleed very little. None of my friends who are on the IUD and not bleeding much (or at all) any more have any trouble with cramping.
cbackson
I got the copper IUD and my periods definitely went from minimal to hellish. I was bleeding 8 days a month, and the cramps were bad enough that I actually fainted at one point. I also ended up expelling my IUD, which was annoying given the cost (and that I’d weathered a very painful insertion).
I feel like I’m the sole non-IUD lover here – I do think it’s a great method for many people, but it was extremely unpleasant all around for me.
Wiser now
A word to the younger corporettes.
I went on BC pills when I was 18, off at 42. I didn’t realize that it killed my libido, made me depressed and miserable: It only became clear after I went off. I switched to a Mirena (I have 3 kids) and it is wonderful. No cramps after the first day, lighter/no periods and no worries. I so wish I had had an IUD after my last kid at age 35.
Funny thing, though, they told me when I started BC pills that there was a danger of getting liver tumors. I was more worried about cancer. Now I’m 45. Guess what? I have liver tumors that were caused by BC hormones. They are probably benign but have to be monitored yearly and have a risk of rupture. I also have permenently lowered libido: Do a google search for the 2006 study.
For me, BC pills allowed me to plan my kids and have a career but staying on them was a mistake. My advice is not to be blase about the risks.
And, yes, BC for women is a bitch.
Anonymous
My story sans liver tumors. Particularly the libido thing. Hormonal BC sucks.
Copper IUD Fan
I had a copper IUD put in last year and so far no complaints. I did find the insertion to be painful, but I think a large part of that was psychological — I was six weeks postpartum, I had kind of a traumatic labor with lots of tearing, and the thought of ANYTHING going in there was terrifying to me at that point.
I didn’t have any periods for the first seven months due to breastfeeding. When they did come back, they were a little heavier than they had been before, but Nuvaring (which I used for several years before pregnancy) had made my periods very light, so what I have with the IUD is not really what I would really consider heavy by any means. I have noticed (TMI warning) an increase in discharge with the IUD (lots of what’s known in conception circles as egg-white cervical mucus).
On the whole, it’s been really convenient and worth it. One warning – if your insurance covers it, make sure that the provider codes the IUD right when it is put in. Mine was coded/submitted wrong so I had to pay out of pocket and I am still trying to get reimbursement from my insurance company.
S.
Something else you may want to consider is implanon– it’s a progestin only tiny rubber/plastic rod that is implanted in your inner arm. It takes under 5 minutes to put in, lasts 3 years, and is something like 4 times more effective than surgical sterilization.
I got one about a year ago and I LOOOOOVE it. I haven’t had a real period the entire time (just occasional really light spotting), and haven’t really had any other noticeable side effects. I haven’t had children, and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of convincing a doctor to let me get an IUD, having it put in, and potentially have it not work out. Also, I have blue cross, and I only had to pay a $25 copay even though the sticker price is something like $1,000 (which, for something that lasts for 3 years isn’t actually that bad).
Caitlin
I am 29, never pregnant and I’ve had the Mirena IUD for 2 1/2 years. I love it so much I’m basically one of those annoying birth control commercials where women sit around and discuss birth control in social settings.
My doctor (in NYC) was enthused about giving it to me, though warned me that insertion could be more uncomfortable because I’d never been pregnant. I had to have it inserted during my period, I think so that the cervix is opened. The insertion took only a few minutes but felt like a terribly strong cramp. The rest of the day and into the next I had strong cramps, but I had it done before work and worked the whole day and even went out for a drink with a co-worker that evening, so it wasn’t unbearable. I do know women who have had much more painful insertions though.
I had some heavyish bleeding for a few days, and then spotting intermittently for 6 weeks or so. I still get my period (not everyone does) but it is lighter and much shorter. My period typically lasts a day or sometimes even less now. I also reverted back to my normal cycle, which is 34 days or so, so I get it less frequently than I did with the pill.
Mirena has hormones, though less than the pill and localized (and only one type I believe, though I can’t remember if it has only progesterone or only estrogen). I haven’t noticed any effects, but I never really had hormonal issues with the ring or the pill either.
I’m a huge proponent and will get another one in 2 1/2 years when my 5 years with this one is up. Good luck!
K
Another Mirena fan – I got my first one in 2003 and loved it so much that I had a second one put in when the first expired. It is the most awesome method of BC ever (or at least it has been for me) – I don’t have a period anymore, I never have to think about remembering to take a pill, and it doesn’t make me insane and suicidal like the pill did. Insertion did hurt a fair bit (I have never been pregnant), but not so much that I wouldn’t do it again. I do have a friend who had some issues with hers, but I don’t hesitate to recommend it.
sgb
I haven’t had a child and I have a paragard IUD. I had really really bad migraines and I still get them from time to time, but not as frequently.
I really like it and it’s worked out really well for me.
lovemycopperIUD
I’ve had the copper IUD in place for nearly 5 years now, and I love, love, love it. I was not a good candidate for hormonal BC for other medical reasons, and the IUD has been a great, carefree method of BC. I have had babies, and for me insertion was just a bad twinge. However, for about the first year my menstrual cramps were much, much worse — they went from little to none before the IUD to being a couple of days a month of make-me-levitate-off-my-chair pain. The cramps diminished, though, and now are back to almost none. I’d make the same choice in a heartbeat.
considering IUD too
Thanks for bringing this topic up, since it happens to be relevant for me, too. After suffering a non-existent sex drive for years, I finally took the plunge and went off a BCP for the first time in 12 years because I thought my low interest was due in part to BCP. For those of you who went off BCP – how long until you started feeling different off of it? I noticed that within a week, I started having much more vivid, movie-style dreams (not necessarily anything more than G-rated), just like when I was a kid, pre-BCP. Totally fascinating to wonder how/why that is related.
My OBGyn suggested Mirena for me after I talked about my problems with BCP and I said the same thing to her many here have said – but I haven’t had kids yet! I am planning to have kids in the next several years. The Dr. said that my concern is common, but is pretty much outdated for the newest generation of BC, including Mirena. I decided to go off all hormonal BC while I considered my options, just to see what it feels like to be without hormones. I haven’t seem a return of interest yet, very unfortunately, but I do feel more “alive” than before – my senses seem heightened a bit.
From these helpful and insightful comments, it sounds like Mirena could be worth a try for me. Thank you all so much for sharing, and I look forward to hearing from more good and bad experiences over the next few days.
And I join in the whine – I occasionally rant at my SO about how much it sucks that BC is solely my cross to bear unless we use condoms. I really hope we see a BCP for men in our lifetime.
Violet
Yikes, all this talk about birth control makes me wants to stay abstinent for the rest of my life.
Kit
When I went of BC, the effect was almost immediate. I noticed increased sex life, increased energy and more positive mood within the first two weeks. Also, I lost about 5 pounds without even trying.
Anonymous Poser
Amen to the whining! I don’t think it’s actually whining–it stinks that females are the ones upon whom the responsibility falls for birth control (usually, mostly, etc.). But then, maybe I’m just whining.
So…I’ve not heard from anyone who uses Essure.
http://www.essure.com/
It’s a method of sterilization that has not been available in the U.S. for all that long. After years on the Pill, I’m just…tired of it. Has anyone here tried this? TIA.
Louise
Not an option for those of you who are pre-children, but anyone else have a tubal ligation? Best birth control decision I ever made. After getting off the pill, my migraines greatly reduced, and I really like not having to take any extra hormones.
SuzyQ
Louise – why tubal ligation rather than the much easier vasectomy or essure? i’m trying to convince DH to get snipped.
Ekaterin Nile
I always thought I wasn’t eligible for an IUD because I’ve never been pregnant but my gyno said that was no longer the case. I now have a Mirena.
I think I’ve been on almost every type of BC possible. Started on the regular pill but had to quit due to migraines (complete with aura). Then had the Norplant (and gained 20 pounds). Then went with a diaphragm/condom combination (worked, but tiresome). Then tried the progesterin-only pill (also known as the mini-pill). Finally, three years ago, I got a Mirena.
The implanation was somewhat painful but I think that was in part because the ob-gyn neglected to tell me to take some ibuprofen before the procedure. I did have some serious cramps for a couple of days after implantation but nothing that OTC painkillers couldn’t deal with. I really like the IUD–I don’t have to remember to take a pill every day or mess around with a variety of latex devices. I like it enough that I recommended it to two of my sisters, who each got one and love it. For me, it was also cheaper than BC pills because it’s a one-time investment over five years.
Yes, you have to be careful about STDs, expulsion of the IUD and/or ectopic pregnancy. But no BC method is perfect, and I personally am not comfortable relying on any kind of schedule method. When my five years are up on this Mirena, I plan on getting another.
Lynnet
LOVE your name! I’m in the process of rereading all of those books, just about to start Komarr.
Ekaterin Nile
Thanks! I’ve wondered if any other Corporettes would catch the reference. Also love the books.
G
I have had nothing but good experiences with my Mirena, as have several friends. I wanted a Paraguard at first, but decided against it due to possible menstrual issues- the only friend I know who had one hated it and had a lot of blood flow/cramping/perma-period issues. On Mirena, my period has completely gone away, and I haven’t had any discomfort issues or ovarian cysts (which is a pretty common side effect).
The best advice I can give is to have your GYN prescribe a small dose of cytotec (if you haven’t given birth before- it softens the cervix and makes insertion a bit easier) and a small dose of valium. Insertion didn’t hurt very much, but it was a series of weird new sensations. Also, my GYN had a bit of trouble getting it in at first, so the valium helped me stay calm through a lot of poking, prodding, and worried expressions.
G
I just read through the thread, and see I’m the only one who mentioned cytotec (aka, misoprostol). Just wanted to emphasize that you should look into it. I have never been pregnant, and my insertion took a lot of toggling. If I hadn’t used it, I don’t think insertion would have worked, and it definitely would’ve been less comfortable. I see there’s some research showing it works, so I wish more doctors/patients knew about it…
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/22/10/2647.full
Never Preggo 3L
Thank you! I was reading through the thread hoping this got mentioned. I used the kind you instert “up there” and I cannot imagine getting my Mirena inserted without it. My doc called it the “miso pill.” I had to go to a couple of different pharms to find it in stock. (My doc forgot to warn my that the miso pill might loosen my bowels…FYI. Sorry if that’s TMI!)
The entire process was still genuinely painful (I was describing it as “uncomfortable” to my hubby just now, who reminded me that I came out of the appointment with mascara stains on my cheeks from pain-related tears.)
However, I’m 2 years into my IUD and would go through the whole thing all over again. The convenience, peace of mind and lighter periods are worth it!
I really hadn’t noticed how much my birth control pill (Ortho T-C Lo) had diminished my sex drive and made it really hard to loose weight. I do miss the skin-clearing benefits of a good hormonal BC, but there’s really no love lost.
AIMS
Just a note for anyone considering an IUD — make sure your doctor has experience with these.
A friend of mine had quite a life scare getting hers by a doc who accidentally placed it in the wrong spot. And, do not ignore heavy bleedings and feeling “off” as just side effects. Trust yourself to know if something is wrong. And, as always, better safe than sorry.
Divaliscious11
I am in my 8th year with Paraguard and its been fine. I am sensitive to hormones so I couldn’t go with the Mirena. The interesting thing I have had with Paraguard is that I have had NO menstrual cramps so I had to get really good with tracking my cycle because I had no clue when it was coming (mild cramping) and the first 3-4 months after my cycle returned post nursing, I felt like a 14 year old….. I am now considering a tubal ligation since my husband refuses to get snipped and both my aunt/sister had mid 40’s unplanned pregnancies….. no thanks!
JMcD
I have migraines with aura, and just recently had an unplanned pregnancy followed by a miscarriage with lots of complications. My doctor recommended an IUD but after feeling pretty overwhelmed from doctors constantly being up there I didn’t think I could deal with the thought of something foreign being in my body all the time. Does that freak anyone out who has the IUD? What also freaked me out was the pamphlet that said you have to “check the wires” once a month. What is that like?
SuzyQ
I’m wondering why your husband is anti-getting snipped. the way I see it, a tubal would require me to go under while a vasectomy would not require that much from my husband, so i’m trying to convince my husband to get a vasectomy but he is scared of doctors.
Marj
A few thoughts:
1. As background, I’ve never prepared taxes through software or H&R Block; my parents’ accountant did them until this year, and now I do them myself by hand.
2. That being said: both humans and computer programs make mistakes. Most of my friends who do their own taxes simply use the software, and it takes them an hour or two. But even the software is fallible — a coworker reported that he used TurboTax for the past few years, and it failed to carry information over from one page to the next. He’s tax savvy and reviewed everything and caught the mistake (TurboTax conceded to him over the phone that this is an ongoing problem). This year, the friend is switching back from TurboTax to H&R Block software, still doing the prep by himself on the computer. He said that if you have some knowledge of tax prep, H&R Block software is better (TurboTax is better if you know nothing about tax prep). But whatever you use, humans can make mistakes, whether in understanding laws or in programming. So whatever you choose, review the math.
3. If your income is under about $50K, you can go to a free tax prep site. (IRS website has details by county: http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=219171,00.html).
4. Bottom line, I would say to use the software and do it yourself unless you have some great fear that you will screw up, or the software will and you won’t catch the mistake.
Marj
Sorry, this was a response to Batgirl that got the posting-too-fast message, and then when I reposted, it was as an original and not a reply.
Batgirl
Thanks, got it!
Lola
Batgirl – I’ve used the H&R Block Online software for several years and love it. If your income qualifies, they’ll file your federal return for free, and only charge you for state returns.
I was used to doing my own returns by hand before I used the software, so I did the federal return online, printed it, and then used it to do my state returns by hand. So I didn’t pay for anything. :)
It also remembers your last few years of returns, and will give you comparison charts, which I found helpful.
Anon in Ny
As part of my IUD PSA (seriously, my girlfriends told me to shut up already about how much I liked it). If you’re truly looking for a non-hormonal method that is a total no-brainer, the Paraguard is fabulous. Hormonal BC aggravated my migraines and made me insanely moody.
That being said – you need to know yourself. Are you ok with checking the strings every month to be sure its positioned properly? Are you ok dealing with truly natural periods and slightly heavier cramps? And are you ok with a mildly (possibly moderately) painful insertion/removal? If so, go with it.
I really love not having to remember to take anything, and for my insurance covered the entire cost of the device, and the insertion so for 3 years my BC was free, which was a nice bonus.
Anon in Ny
Ugh, sorry, this is for the above thread!
student
Random threadjack–
Could this suit ever be appropriate in an office setting (sans beanie, sunglasses, and bracelets, of course)?:
http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/21711Pink_7823Web.jpg
I’ve been thinking lately whether looking fun and hip is incompatible with being taken seriously, and thought that this may be the appropriate forum on which to pose this question.
Thanks, ladies!
D
Yikes! I can’t see it anywhere but on a Barbie. Maybe I’m a fuddy-duddy though- even though I’m in my late 20’s, I find myself saying “these kids today!” when looking at their fashion choices.
zelda
love the look but think that shade of pink will either get read as “too young” or “too old”
Ses
Agreed. I think here it’s being worn ironically. I really enjoyed seeing that, but I think whether “read” literally or ironically, it would probably send an unintended message.
meme
This could be appropriate in certain offices (know your office), but I agree with the other posters that it certainly wouldn’t go unnoticed given the color. That could be good or bad depending on what you’re going for.
legendary
Looks cheap.
Jay
I don’t think looking fun and hip is incompatible with looking professional. But I don’t think any of those three adjectives apply to that suit. It looks like something for Barbie or a very old lady.
anon33
I actually think the jacket is pretty awesome – in an ironic kind of way. I could see it working really well with a pair of black slacks, but not as an actual matching suit.
Bonnie
You could wear either piece but together it seems a little old lady to me. I have a turquoise suit but always break up the pieces.
So. Done. With. School.
Yikes! I am almost certain my beautiful and fashion-forward mother wore that suit all over corporate LA circa 1985. I’m voting no for 2011.
AIMS
Sans beanie, sunglasses, bracelets and scowl that suit would not look funky, but would just look like it was intended for someone 70-plus or an 80’s debutante. I think that what makes this outfit work on the wearer is exactly what would take it out of appropriateness for the office.
That said, I think hip/fun & professional should not be incompatible. It just take more thought & effort.
jcb
agreed. It is the beanie, sunglasses and bracelets that make it work (for her – I could never in a million years pull that off).
Anon 2.0
It depends on your industry, your office and your locale. That said, take a look at Congress. These kinds of colors are not only okay, but pretty much mandatory.
njesq
I bought the Banana Republic wrap dress that had mixed reviews (gap in the side, too clingy, etc) and while I love it, I do think I want to wear a slip underneath. So, where do I find a black full slip that will be short enough that it won’t show, not expensive, and without lace on top (the idea is to NOT make it look like you can see my bra!)
Thanks!
lawyerette
wintersilks dot com has nices ones
zee
Macy’s has a ton in-store, relatively cheap.
D
Target has slips
NJEsq
going to try Target first on Monday, thanks!
EC
I’m wearing that dress today! For some reason, it makes me feel a little witchy…maybe because it’s long-er on me and black? Would it be acceptable to wear a colorful turtleneck underneath, or a button-front shirt? I just feel like it’s going to take a lot of necklace to break up the black…
luluaj
Bloomingdales.
spacegeek
kohls, jc pennys etc
skippy pea
Continuing the ahir theme, lets talk about shampoos and conditioners.
Any ones you are particularly fond of and use regularly? Right now I am using alterna line and it works great for me. Since I have lost a lot of hair, I need formula that does not weigh down my meagre hair. Also alterna line is paraben and lot of other bad stuff free.
But it is also expensive, so I am open to other suggestions. For the record, my hair is coarse, color treated and frizzy. It is also sparse up top now becuse of years long hair loss.
skippy pea
Sorry, “hair” theme! Duh.
Sydney Bristow
I use Halo brand products. It is made for color treated hair and is also on the expensive side (~$15 a bottle). I have a lot of fine hair but I don’t find that it weighs it down. I switch between the different formulas, but the green one (replenishing maybe?) is my favorite.
Res Ipsa
I love Aveda’s Rosemary Mint shampoo. Though I will confess that I bought it more for the scent than anything else.:)
K
Suave makes a nice knockoff of this line – smells just as good and costs $2 a bottle instead of $20!
Maddie Ross
I LOVE the suave knockoff of the Rosemary Mint. I had been using more expensive Redken shampoos but was swayed by the scent at Target one day. I totally lurve it. It makes my hair totally smooth and smells wonderful.
MelD
I use a lot of Aveda products too and really like most of them, but the Rosemary Mint made my hair feel like it had some sort of film on it. I like the other varieties much better. I have scalp irritation/breakouts and Scalp Benefits helps keep the itching down. I use the Damage Remedy a few times a week to keep my hair moisturized. From what I can tell, the Suave naturals all have loads of Sodium Laureth Sulfate, which wreaks havoc on my scalp. I can usually wash my hair every other day with SLS-free shampoos but SLS makes my scalp so itchy.
TK1
I also had an itchy scalp problem with SLS shampoos. I’ve used both the Organix and Loreal SLS free lines and both work great for only $5-$10 a bottle for anyone who wants a less expensive SLS free shampoo.
Jade Moon
I have thin, very fine hair, lots of it. I also have it highlighted. Damage Remedy coats my hair with a thick, oily film. It looks greasy on me. I do better with Aveda’s Brilliant, tho my hairdresser says its supposed to be for ethnic hair. (??)
I love Rosemary Mint, but I use it as soap. It smells so good!
JL
I love Frederic Fekkai’s Technician shampoo.
me
If you’re looking for something inexpensive, Yes to Carrots is amazing. No parabens, and it smells like Cabbage Patch Kids.
On the spendy side, I love Paul Mitchell’s wild ginger awapuhi line and Pravana (both sulfate free).
JLo
I use Bumble & Bumble. (Aveda wasn’t conditioning enough for my hair — thick and curly, but fine.) Prior to that, I used things like Salon Selectives, Herbal Essences, etc., but they all left buildup in my hair and made it kind of saggy, too. I recently joined a gym and have been using the shower products there. While I don’t know what the conditioner and shampoo are, I can tell that B&B is much better for my own hair. B&B is expensive, but it lasts forever. (I started using my current conditioner in October 2009, and I still have enough left for at least a month, I would estimate.) When I put in curly-hair gel/cream/etc., though, I prefer Devachan products to B&B, which I find to be too heavy and stiff-making.
Ses
I’m really happy with my “Tea Tree Tingle” shampoo from Trader Joes. It’s about $3 and SLS free – which seems to be milder for the scalp. I have had no problems with flatness, and it seems like I need less conditioner when I use this brand.
Jas
I have super straight, fine hair and I’ve had good success with Sebastian Volupt.
anon33
I have tried a lot of expensive hair products, but always end up coming back to Pantene Pro-V and wondering why I got distracted by tigi/frederic fakkai (sp?)/aveda/etc. For just your basic shampoo/conditioner and deep conditioner, I think it’s definitely the best bang for your buck, and it has several different lines for different hair textures. When it comes to styling, though, I do recommend spending a bit more (my favorite is Redken).
My mom has thin hair, and swears by Kerastase.
Lyssa
I’ve been really happy with Tres Semme (sp?)- It’s cheap (about $4 for a very large bottle) and works just as well as anything I’ve tried.
Canadian
My hair is very thick and coarse and I absolutely love the Cynthia Sylvia Stout shampoo (made with stout!) and Veganese conditioner from Lush. They’re all natural and they don’t weigh my hair down, and my hair has never felt softer. I’ve tried some of Lush’s other hair care products and I think they’re a great option if you’re concerned about putting too many chemicals in you hair. It’s a little pricey, but I find that the products last longer because I don’t need to use as much.
Laura #2
Love that your shampoo makes a Shel Silverstein reference.
AIMS
Tres Semme Vitamin E conditioner has been my go to staple for years. It smells great & makes my really thick hair smooth & shiny.
I also used to LOVE something called Mane & Tail — they sell it at Walgreens & Rite Aid; it’s supposedly a horse hair conditioner that they now market to people. It’s fantastic. The conditioner is also great as a leave in.
WonderWoman
Pureology is amazing for extending the life of my highlights, and makes my thick coarse hair look like movie star hair. Spendy, but so are the highlights…
skippy pea
Thanks ladies! I will try out some of the suggestions. Another suggestion of my own is the David Babaii line. It is paraben and sulfate free!
I love trying different shampoo and conditioners all the time, so all your suggestions help~!
Definitely Not Interested
Okay, ladies, I need some help from the Corporette hivemind: I can’t tell if my married-with-a-small-child colleague is making advances or if he’s just awkwardly trying to be friendly.
I am a young assistant in his department at a mid-sized publisher, although I am not his assistant, and I have done very little work with him directly. Over the summer, when his assistant was out of town, I pitched in on some very minor tasks for one of his projects, which happened to be a book about the cultural history of stewardesses. Shortly after that, he sent me an email with the subject line “Coffee, tea, or me?”, suggesting that we should have coffee that week. I demurred, vaguely, as I had a lot of other work on my plate at the time. He did not bring it up again.
Yesterday, I sent him an email asking if he had kept a document from an old grant application. His response: “I think I could scare up a copy, but you’ll have to have ice cream with me tomorrow afternoon in exchange.” I didn’t write back to this, as I was out of the office, and a few hours later he sent this: “Alas, I don’t have anything for this on my computer. I hope this doesn’t mean that you won’t let me buy you an ice cream.” I have still not responded, and he hasn’t mentioned it.
We chat occasionally, as colleagues do, and although he’s never suggestive or untoward in conversation, he is certainly friendly in a way that almost sets off my this-person-is-flirting-with-me-and-I-don’t-want-him-to radar. On the other hand, he’s fairly well-known in our office for being a little socially awkward, so it may just be that he isn’t quite sure how to seem nice without seeming *too* nice.
Any knee-jerk reactions? I haven’t decided yet if I should be concerned, or if I should just ignore it, or if I should perhaps gently let him know that he’s inadvertently strayed into sounding like Humbert Humbert. Thank you all in advance for your insight!
Jas
My first inclination is to think he’s just awkwardly trying to be friendly with the invites out and that the “coffee, tea, or me?” was just him repeated a phrase without understanding the implications of it. I don’t really have any evidence for this, though.
JAS1
Different JAS from above…maybe it’s both. IE, he thinks you are attractive and is kind of flirting but doesn’t mean to take it any farther than a little cute banter over coffee?
NL
1) Always trust your instincts. There is a reason you’re feeling weird about his behavior.
2) Just from your examples, I am absolutely getting the vibe that he’s hitting on you, albeit awkwardly. I don’t see how “Coffee, tea, or me?” could be some kind of error in phrasing. And that whole ice cream business–well, I think it’s clearly an attempt at some playful flirting. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable!
Can you discreetly ask around and see if this has happened to anyone else? Very often, this type of behavior is far from isolated. It may help you to confirm that he is not just being “friendly.” In any case, you have no obligation to be chummy with him no matter what his intentions are. Your gut is telling you to stay away–I’d follow its warning!
Darlene
I agree w/ NL on this. Trust your instincts. And I don’t even think you need to check around w/ others unless he becomes more insistent and you need help figuring out how to deal with him. (And from my hyper-legal mindset, it doesn’t hurt to keep a record of everything just in case you need it later.)
Miriam
His behavior is inappropriate. Coffee, tea or me??? sounds weird. There is definitely something off about the way he is acting towards you. Definitely trust your instincts! That being said, there is no reason to make a big deal about it. If he isn’t doing anything to make you feel (more) uncomfortable, then I would just try to ignore it. Also, I remember advice I got a few years ago to ask about his wife and kids. Talking about that stuff will generally give the impression that you are not into him in a personal way. It will also put him in his place.
EC
I’m so passive aggressive, I would frequently ask about his wife and kids, AND loudly discuss my (fictional or not) boyfriend/significant other and how much fun we’re going to have doing this thing this weekend, and how much I loved that he did the laundry to surprise me, etc. Note – make it a point to raise only positive things your real or imagined significant other has done.
meme
“things your . . . imagined significant other has done”?
This is making me laugh. And reminding me of Lars and the Real Girl again.
Miriam
I would be nervous about making up a fictional b/f because I’m sure I would make a fool of myself and get caught in the lie!!! I’m a terrible liar and my emotions are always written on my face!
MelD
I had a fictional boyfriend for almost a year and a half when I lived abroad. He was a real friend who started the rumor and as I was tired of some other gossip, I did as much as possible to encourage the rumor. Unfortunately when I got tired of the charade, it was hard to convince people we’d broken up!
I've got a weirdo on my tail too
I try this to NO end (asking a million questions about his wife/kids, trying to answer ‘flirtatious’ questions with references to his wife, mentioning my husband/all our activities constantly) and still get the awkward “are you flirting or just being nice” actions directed towards me, but sadly I think it’s flirting (in a bad way) because the guy practically JUMPS at the chance to avoid home, doesn’t ever seem to talk about his family, practically insults them when he does, occaisionally sends me weird texts after hours…
Luckily my weirdo might be moving to Germany soon. FINGERS CROSSED.
Anonymous
Why aren’t you interested in him? You don’t say whether you’re dating anyone or married. Just do him.
Kady
ewwwww….
guest
Can I just say I love your use of the term “hivemind”? Such an apt description!
With regard to your inquiry, I am also having trouble deciding whether he is predatory or just awkward. Is it possible that he simply enjoys your company in a platonic way and is seeking an opportunity to get to know you better? Could it be he might like you to start working directly with him? I definitely agree you should store his messages in a safe place on the chance this (god forbid) escalates into anything truly sinister. I concur that if you are able to discreetly check with his assistant or other female employees he has regular contact with to see whether this is his normal, standard behavior, perhaps that would make you feel better?
I just want to add, I am married, yet I’ve initiatied having coffee or lunch alone with a male colleague before – with zero interest in starting anything untoward. I was purely motivated by situational convenience.
Still Not Interested
Wow, thank you all! You’ve basically confirmed my initial reaction: his behavior is slightly off, but not yet (and hopefully not ever) at a level that is genuinely alarming.
Some specific answers:
I showed the emails to a friend of mine, another young woman in a different department. She was, in her words, “dumbfounded.” There are a few older women in the office with whom I’d feel comfortable speaking about it, but I think I’ll hold off for now–I don’t want to be the girl who cried wolf.
And, yes, I’ve kept everything, just in case. Good tip!
“Coffee, tea, or me?” is (hopefully apocryphally) what airline stewardesses in the swingin’ sixties would say to their businessmen passengers. As in, “Would you like a beverage or a trip to the Mile High Club?” Since the email with this subject line came right after I had helped him with a project about stewardesses, I have to believe he knew exactly what he was saying.
Finally, Miriam, EC, MelD and meme, you made me laugh with your suggestions of imagined boyfriends. Actually, I do have a serious long-term boyfriend, but my first reaction to things like this is often to feign *total* disinterest: not just “I’m definitely not interested in you because I am interested in another man,” but “I’m definitely not interested in you because I am not interested in men.” (I think this stems from going to a women’s college, but this tactic has worked more than once on the especially persistent types. YMMV, of course–you’ve got to be willing to follow it up with a steely-eyed refusal to divulge any further details, in case you get stuck with a voyeuristic frat boy type.)
PS. Thanks, guest! That’s really how I think of these Open Threads.
Anonymous
Now that you give the flight attendant historical context, his email is definitely inappropriate!
anon
Wow I can’t believe you even considered going and complaining to someone else in your workplace about this. That is making such a big deal over nothing. He wasn’t even really being inappropriate, I think everyone here is acting like a typical hysterical uptight woman.
MelD
The issue is that it isn’t nothing. Comments like that can give other coworkers the wrong idea about the OP and the higher up and that in turn might hurt her chances of promotion at the company. That scenario has happened to more than one woman I know (including myself), so I think it’s important to nip it in the bud the second you sense anything untoward from a superior male coworker.
anon
How can a comment from an acknowledged socially-awkward man, made unsolicited via email to the OP, and unacknowledged by her and not encouraged by her in any way, possibly reflect badly on her?
anon
Look, I’m all for women being able to work without being hit on by their coworkers and superiors, but this is exactly why men are afraid to try to mentor younger women and resent having to tiptoe around women at work, because they think they will say something innocuous that will be misinterpreted and taken up the ladder and suddenly people think they’re a creep. Maybe this man was trying to flirt with her, but maybe he was just trying to be friendly or mentoring in a completely nonsexual way. The OP said that he was basically normal in face to face interactions. So why assume the worst?
Supporting SNI
Hysterical and uptight? Issues much, anon?
I’ve been mentored plenty by men in my workplace, and never felt as though they were looking for anything sexual. I’ve also had men use mentoring as an excuse to try to pursue a romantic relationship. There’s a big difference. Still Not Interested shouldn’t be afraid to ask for advice on setting boundaries lest she potentially offend all men everywhere or come off as “hysterical.”
His email subject line was out of line; it’s an easily recognized reference to a sexual proposition (if probably an apocryphal one.) Asking for an ice cream date in return for information is also out of line. It’s *not* the same as “thanks for you work on this project, can I take you to coffee to show my appreciation?” or “I’ve enjoyed talking with you about your interest in X here at Y; any time you’d like to discuss your professional goals please don’t hesitate to ask.”
IMO the best strategy is to do some reading on setting effective boundaries, and then be polite but crystal clear with him. If his behavior doesn’t veer back into appropriate professional behavior, then consider taking some action.
Miriam
This also reminded me of a “stalker” I have at school. He is in one of my classes, and at the end of each class he asks me where I am going because I have a 2 or 4 hour break. He follows me wherever I go, to the library, student lounge, student center, etc. I can’t get away from him! If he sees me somewhere on another day, he will come up to me. He even came up behind me in the library to talk……even though library generally means quiet! I guess some male law students just don’t get it.
Batgirl
Hey, just my belated two cents: I had a VERY similar situation at my job. Except it was my direct supervisor, and there wasn’t that much of an age difference (well, ten years). He would often say weird things to me–including making comments about how if he were single, he’d “totally want to date me,” etc. He was also socially awkward and nerdy so I wrote it off as him just being awkward. But at the end of the day, I think he was testing the waters or trying to feel attractive, etc. Eventually, after one too many comments, I said something to the effect of “you know, I’m sure you don’t mean anything by your comments, but you have to consider how they would affect my professional reputation if anyone were to ever overhear you. And while I’m sure this isn’t what you meant, I just want to make sure you realize that I have no interest in going down that path with you.” It was intense but it was fine–he clammed up and pretended like he never meant anything like that. But I know he did–I just gave him the out of pretending like it was out of concern for perception (because clearly he didn’t mean it, etc–even though he did) so that he could save face but stop it.
One year later, he still occasionally says ridiculous stuff but it’s under control. It’s a shitty situation and it makes me mad on so many levels. I had to deal with him, I had to worry about how it would look to others when he’d stupidly say weird shit to me in front of other people (nothing ever terrible, but more than one person suggested he had a crush on me). It’s so messed up.
I wouldn’t necessarily have a conversation with him yet, but at some point it may come to that. Good luck.
Lola
That’s a great response: “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it, but ….” and then he can claim he never meant anything by it. Nice job in giving him an out that still preserves his dignity and yours.
Ekaterin Nile
Even if this guy is just socially awkward and trying to make friends (which I do not believe), his behavior is still inappropriate. Using a phrase that suggests HE is one of the “options” and refusing to give someone something for work (even if he is “just kidding”) unless that person agrees to spend spend social time with him is not going to further his career. If he wanted to platonically have coffee with you, all he has to do is say “I’m getting coffee. Do you want to come?”
You might be doing him a kindness to point that out to him. The next time this comes up , you could say something like “CreepySociallyAwkward Guy, I’ve noticed you’ve sent a couple of emails to me that many would view as inappropriate and wanted to mention it to you directly so you don’t get yourself in trouble in the future. By the way, how are your wife and small child?”
Lola
Exactly. These emails are out of line. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how far out they are.
If he wants to mentor you, then he can talk to you about your work.
Amery
He’s coming on. That is what you call it when a man repeatedly hints he would like to share your personal space, isn’t it?
Coffee, tea or me used to mean one thing only when I was your age – and it was not beverage related.
BB
This is NOT good. I had a boss (CFO) that said things like that – and I let it go. Then he started to say things like “Ask me (to approve something) again. You know how you can convince me.” A few months later, he ran a pool cue between my legs and offered me a rolex to make out with a co-worker (who was there) at a company happy hour. Then someone reported him and I acknowledged what he’d done. Then *I* got fired about 30 days after we did the whole HR thing. And the EEOC declined to do anything.
So – if I were you, I’d get out of there. I personally believe that the big dog nearly always wins in cases like these, right or wrong. I really don’t think the official HR procedures do a damn bit of good. Oh, and the HR person was fired within 6 months of me as well as the person who made the official report – there was a major scorched earth operation going on.
K
Wedding guest etiquette question:
A good friend of mine is getting married this summer across the country. Originally, I had thought I wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding, since it’s a bit out of my budget. However, I just got an airfare alert for an extremely cheap flight and it looks like I may be able to make it after all.
I’ve been invited with a guest, since I’m coming in from out of state. However, I’m single and there’s no SO or even a guy I’m dating to consider bringing with me (let alone one I’d feel comfortable asking to fly across the country with me). I will know a few other guests at the wedding (all couples), but probably 97% of the attendees will be strangers.
So, is it weird to consider bringing a good friend with me as my guest? One of my best girlfriends from college loves to travel and mentioned that she’d be willing to go with me, as my plan was to stay an extra day to explore a new city. I feel like it’s a bit weird though.
I’m torn between being brave and going alone (but then I face a day of solo exploring, which I’ve never done before, and the full cost of 3 nights in a hotel), or bringing my friend and having company (and someone to split the cost of the room with), but the potential awkwardness of showing up with a platonic girlfriend as my “date”.
I’ve also considered asking my friend to come with, but then not bringing her to the wedding with me. That just seems rude to her, though.
Any ideas, Corporettes? I’m young, so I’m not too familiar with wedding guest etiquette and how it works. I would just really love to be able to make it to see a good friend tie the knot.
Sari
I think what I’ve heard on etiquette sites is that “guest” means long-term partner or spouse. But you could ask your fiance/e friend to see whether s/he is okay with it.
K
I was always under that impression as well. But she knows that neither a long-term partner or spouse is in the picture, and she still invited me with a +1, saying it’s because “I’m coming in from out of state”.
EC
You should ask her if it’s OK to bring a friend! You say she’s a good friend, and she invited you with a +1 knowing that you’re single – I don’t think she’s going to be offended by you asking whether it’s OK.
JessC
This, especially since the bride is likely to know/remember that you won’t know a ton of people at the wedding.
As for the cost of the room, have you considered asking the bride if she has any single female friends who are attending the wedding and may want to split a room? Yes you’d be sharing a hotel room with a stranger, but assuming the rest of the bride’s friends aren’t psycho, it shouldn’t be too bad. I suggest this because I actually did it last year at a friend’s wedding and it worked out great – my BF got sent on a last minute business trip and the other girl’s DH had recently been deployed.
Jay
I was the platonic date of a female friend who flew across the country to attend a wedding on my coast. She didn’t know anyone else at the wedding, and she had asked her friend the groom ahead of time who told her to bring a friend to make herself more comfortable. It was an easy trip for me and a fun night with my friend at a lovely wedding. I do think it’s awkward for the guest who knows absolutely no one, including the bride and groom though–I felt like an intruder watching the ceremony because it’s such a special, intimate moment for the couple.
rg
For what it’s worth, I invited all my friends without longterm partners with a plus one figuring that they might still want company at our wedding (even for unmarried friends, I had their SO’s names printed on their invitations). I suspect your friend would be fine with your bringing a guest in this situation, but I also don’t think it hurts to confirm.
Louise
A guest at our wedding brought his mother as his “+1.” He was dating a woman who was a mutual friend of ours, but they were a really new couple, so we invited both him and her with +1 invites, thinking they would just arrive together. However, his mother was in town that weekend and he asked if she could attend. Why not? No sense in Mom sitting around his apartment while Son partied. Mom got to meet us and many of our mutual friends, and much fun was had by all.
Your traveling buddy girlfriend might just end up being a great new friend to the bride and groom, or at least the people at your table at the reception. Aren’t weddings supposed to be a celebration of community and family? I say go for it and have a good time
Kit
Why don’t you just call your friend and ask if bringing a platonic female friend fits within her definition of “guest” or if that wasn’t what she had in mind? Not to downplay the advice of etiquette experts, but your friend is the only person that can tell you whether or not she would consider it rude.
UKYogi
Call your friend and check! I invited my wedding guests in relationships by stating both names on the invite and people who weren’t in relationships (that I knew of ) by asking them to bring a guest of their choice. It was really important that all my guests felt welcome and part of the day and I didn’t want anyone to feel on their own or out of place, so I didn’t mind at all if they bought a platonic friend.
Sydney Bristow
I’d suggest this as well. Pay attention to her tone when she responds though because she might tell you it would be ok in order to be polite but her tone would show that she would find it rude.
Lynnet
I would do this. I invited several friends to my wedding “with guest” even though I knew they weren’t seeing anyone because they wouldn’t know anyone else at the wedding. I fully expected them to bring a friend and not a date. I know other people feel differently about this, though, so I think just asking is the way to go.
CaribbeanGirl
I invited 2 women to my wedding who ended up bringing mutual friends from grad school and we had a great time. I knew neither of them were in a relationship and would have more fun hanging out with a good girlfriend. I’m pretty sure no one would mind as long as it’s not a really small destination wedding with only close friends and family (and it sounds like it’s not).
Guest
I’m planning my wedding right now and if my friend called to ask me this, not only would I totally approve, I’d be thrilled. I am very much of the, weddings should be as much fun as possible for the guests.
But, be prepared that others, especially those on a tight budget might freak out…especially if they are trending toward bridezilla territory. You are the only one who knows your friend…
But my instinct is plus 1 means plus 1. But, it might be nice to check…especially since it’s still early and they haven’t written many checks yet (so they’ll still be feeling generous). ;-)
TE
I agree with checking with your friend…
but if you know anyone else who is going across country, check to see if they are going with their spouse or solo. I am married and was invited to a friend’s wedding across country this summer – we are moving, changing jobs, etc and money is tight. Since it’s important for me to go, my husband said for me to go ahead without him (save $, plus he’ll be using a lot of vacation time for the move). I’m pairing up with another single friend who is flying out and splitting the hotel/etc. Just a thought. Good Luck!
Jade Moon
I can’t provide intelligent comment as to wedding etiquette, but I can speak to your fear of solitude. I gather you must be at least in your twenties, and the fact that you’ve evidently never traveled alone, and that you are fearing exploring a city on your own is . . . well, a tad depressing.
I’m married, have friends, etc, but to me, traveling alone to a new city (usually for a court appearance) is so awesome and wonderful and strange and good. One doesn’t need to be with people all. the. time. Learn to be with yourself, bring your Kindle, look around, meet new people at the wedding, spend hours really enjoying the art museum (or whatever the new city offers).
My main and only safety suggestion , is to eat dinner at sunset and not after dark. Although I love eating alone at a restaurant with a good book, too many menfolk mis-interpret. Also, walking back to your hotel in the dark can bring unwanted company (San Francisco, I’m speaking to you!). If you are too shy to eat dinner alone, then god bless room service and hotel rental movies.
I think we need time alone, time off the c-phone and internet, time watching, listening and learning. I suggest you be brave and expand your parameters. But, I ain’t your momma or your best friend, just a friendly Corporette. Do what is best for you.
Either way; enjoy your experience.
Jade Moon
Oh, and also, if you do go it alone, get one of those simplified maps of the city and ask the concierge to circle the areas that may be dangerous and also those that are awesome and close. And I don’t mean to single out S.F.; Atlanta, D.C., Seattle, and Vancouver, Canada, are some cities where a mere turn of a street corner leads you from safe to scary in a heart beat. Vancouver was especially stark: on one street I was walking by designer shops, beautiful architecture, splendid flowers, and two blocks away there were huddled people shooting up right on the street corner. Interesting, astonishing, not so safe.
UKYogi
I have always asked for a map with the awesome places marked, but never asked for the dangerous places as well – I will from now on – great tip!
Sydney Bristow
After accidentally ending up in the Tenderloin in SF after a fancy dinner out, I think this is genius advice!
MelD
I think you are making a lot of negative assumptions about the OP. I love traveling alone, but I absolutely loathe weddings generally and find them to be torture if I don’t know anyone there. They’re also expensive if you’re going alone because you don’t have anyone to split the hotel/car costs. My thoughts are if I am traveling alone, I’d rather spend the money on a place I know I want to see at a time I want to go.
Tessa
From the OP: “I’m torn between being brave and going alone (but then I face a day of solo exploring, which I’ve never done before”
I think Jade Moon was just addressing this element of K’s concern and not assuming much.
I actually really appreciated this advice. Despite having traveled solo for work (in fact, my first trip to Asia was a solo business trip and I spent the weekend exploring the city on my own), I still find the idea uncomfortable. At the same time, it’s something I’d like to get over. Last year I had about 5 more vacation days than my boyfriend and rather than doing something with them (money was not really an issue), I ended up taking a day off here and there, sticking around my city, meeting up with him for lunch… all fine, but I really should have just spent a week exploring something new on my own.
D
It takes practice to get used to traveling alone! I spent a year working abroad in a country where I didn’t know anyone and I traveled alone on the weekends and holidays. The hardest thing for me to get over was that I didn’t have to compromise- it was almost harder making decisions because the only guide was what *I* wanted.
You spend a lot of time in your head instead of communicating with someone else- this can be strange. But it’s a great way to really get to know yourself- it’s almost like meeting an old friend sometimes.
Traveling alone is a great time to start conversations with shop keepers, taxi drivers, people waiting in line at tourist traps, locals, etc. It helps me break out of my protective city-shell.
Sometimes you will feel lonely, but remember to feel lucky too- because that means you are missing the people who love you. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you love them until they are not around. I think about how I can’t wait to share my experiences with them when I get back and that usually gets me going. You don’t want to get back and tell people “I just moped around waiting to get back to you guys”!
Lola
It does take practice to feel comfortable traveling alone.
One way to practice: start going out to dinners by yourself in your own town, or to movies by yourself.
I adore going to movies solo now – you don’t have to wait for anyone and there are often single seats available that are better than any two together.
The other thing about being a single woman is that a lot of people will think you’re meeting someone.
Sydney Bristow
Lola, I love going to movies by myself too!
ABC
I went to a seminar in NYC and ended up spending three days there alone… and loved it! It was good to go somewhere by myself and not have my husband there. I love him dearly, but we need those independent, freeing times!
Chi Anon
If you were invited with a guest, it is up to you who that guest will be! If you want to bring your friend, that sounds like a great idea. You will have more fun and your friend who is getting married will probably be happier knowing you are having a good time.
I sent out “+ guest” invites to my wedding and would never presume to dictate to my invitees who their guests could or could not be.
Ru
I was invited to my coworker’s wedding last year and my +1 was my sister. My other coworker who attended the same wedding brought his brother (but that’s because his wife had just given birth and he was in the wedding party and had to attend). I was really happy to have company and my coworkers really got along with my sister.
Darlene
PSA for a tailor on the Upper East Side in NYC. Last December, Kat tweeted about a Plum District deal of $15 for $30 worth of tailoring from Ros Tailoring. I purchased the coupon, took a shirt to him that needed a LOT of alterations, and am thrilled with the result. I could tell from his answers to my questions that he really knows what he’s doing. He’s not cheap, so I won’t take routine hemming projects to him, but for anything that requires complicated problem-solving, I’ll definitely return to him. (I post before and after pictures of the shirt he altered and describe more about him on the February 16 post of my hourglassy blog.)
Littlest Attorney
Anyone have a recommendation for a taylor in the DC area? Its a bit wishful thinking but I’m about to restart weight watchers and last time I lost 15 pounds in about 3 months. So, with some willpower, I’ll need to get some of my best suits taken in rather than giving them away.
Littlest Attorney
eek – tailor not taylor!
EJ
Yes, I use Blue Orchid cleaners in Arlington. I am petite so I regularly need suits, pants, and dresses taken in. I’ve always been happy with the result. Make sure to call ahead to see if Jenny (the owner) is there so she can do the measurements.
corporatecorporette
Anybody think Corporette has sold out? It seems like there are so many sponsored posts now (see blatant phone advertisement in post below). Not to mention the fact that Kat is leaving the corporate world and entering the world of fashion, which is an entirely different ball game. How is she going to continue writing posts giving practical advice about office life when she doesn’t even work in an office?
Maybe it’s just me, but lately a lot of the clothes featured on this site have been impractical for work anyway.
Things have changed, and not in a good way. I think Corporette has jumped the shark.
Discuss.
CfM
Feel free to start your own blog :)
Anonymous
Not the point. This blog used to be good.
CFM
It is the point. Start your own instead of wasting your time bitching anonymously. Or just don’t read it if you don’t like it anymore.
Sydney Bristow
I don’t think so at all. I personally don’t like most of the sponsored posts (with the exception of the recent jewelry one) but can’t fault Kat for making money off a blog that is clearly more than a hobby. Also, just because she isn’t going to be working in a law office anymore doesn’t mean she will just magically forget what is work appropriate.
I’ve been reading Corporette for a long time and I certainly don’t like all of the items featured, but I find some great inspiration here. Kat has also managed to bring a great community of women together here. I’m excited to see what happens here with Kat’s transition.
Legally Brooklyn
Agreed that Kat has assembled a great community. Although I like looking at her fashion picks, the discussions are what make me check the site multiple times a day. To me, the threadjacks and posts/responses about reader questions are what make the site more useful than another fashion blog.
I don’t think that Kat’s departure from the corporate world will change the overall direction or intention of the site, nor do I think that the comments/discussions will change. She may offer a different perspective (that of an entrepreneur in a major industry), but different perspectives are what make the site so great.
CfM
Also do you go into Chinese food restaurants and complain to the owner that they don’t serve pizza? If you don’t like what’s on the menu, chose a different restaurant. But I’ll never understand the notion of going to a blog to complain about the blog.
ABC
I would actually imagine that Kat appreciates these comments… where else would you find out what your readers think but the comments?
JessC
“Kat is leaving the corporate world and entering the world of fashion”
Wow, totally missed that (went back and found the announcement from the other day).
First – big kudos to Kat for taking something she started out doing for fun and making it into a career! Always inspiring to see women take something they love and make a living off of it.
Back to corporatecoporette’s issues: Kat has worked for some years in professional/corporate settings and does have a clue as to what is involved in dressing appropriately for those settings. Most everything I’ve seen on this site is FAR more appropriate for professional environments than what several fashion magazines try to pass off as professional. Also, one of the great things about this blog is the input from the readers! I value their input just as much as Kat’s (particularly as readers often pipe-up that they’ve seen/tried on/bought/worn the featured item). And the differences of opinions and experiences are always fascinating.
But if you’re not happy here anymore, no one’s making you stay.
MelD
I understand your concern as I’ve seen a lot of sites get so commercialized that they did not have any relation to the original site. However, I don’t see Kat stopping her daily features, and readers seem to be pretty vocal if there is some issue that bothers them. For instance, when she first started the sponsored posts, she disabled comments and there was enough discontent here that now the sponsored posts do have comments enabled.
Ekaterin Nile
Not at all.
It’s really easy to tell if a post is sponsored. If I don’t want to read a sponsored post, I don’t. I would have a much bigger problem with posts that did not state they were sponsored on their face. If you feel differently, the most effective way to express your displeasure with the sponsored posts and advertising would be to stop reading the blog.
As for the clothes, I like some of them and dislike others. If I don’t like them, I don’t buy them.
Personally, I admire Kat’s courage and entrepeneurial spirit. I think it’s great that she’s getting out of corporate life and pursing her blog/fashion interests. I heard a speech by Nancy Lieberman earlier this week in which she suggested women stop being so critical of other women and instead applaud them for their success. Seemed like good advice to me.
Lyssa
Even when I don’t like the clothes, I sort of like figuring out why I don’t like the clothes, and what problems other people have with them. Helps me narrow down what aspects of clothing I like, rather than just having general ideas.
Lyssa
Just on the practical advice aspect, I’ve noticed that while Kat gives some of her own, this is more a forum for others to give tips on what has worked well for them. That’s the beauty of the site, and it’s not going to change, regardless of Kat’s job.
(And I don’t care a bit about the sponsored posts- that’s what a scroll button is for)
Anonymous
I said something similar lately about the sponsored posts sounding so forced, and numerous posters jumped to Kat’s defense. Apparently some people actually *like* those posts??!? I just thought Kat might want to know. I hardly ever read Corporette anymore (just happened on here tonight because I saw it in my bookmarks, and I usually like the weekend thread).
Those who dare to disagree with the Corporette masses
Well as you have probably sorted out, there is no tolerance for constructive criticism on this blog. Either you apple polish or the groupies flame you. No one is allowed to disagree with Kat.
Me, I am sick of the cutesy / lets wear every color at once / this latest trendy will be outdated next season / announce we are fashionistas instead of business professions direction this blog is taking.
What MBAs and over achieving chicks? Seems like they left awhile ago. And forget fitting in or finding anything appropriate if you are over 30.
And that nearly $12,000 Halloween costume? Yeah, that is really good for everyone’s lifestyle and budget.
CFM
Its not constructive criticism though. The above was just bitching about the blog, not something like “these are the posts I like the best, these ones I don’t like.” Its not groupies flaming, but if I’m enjoying the blog why do I want to see other people piss and moan about it. If it sucks so much don’t read it, or start your own blog that is more to your liking. I just honestly do not get the complaint “im sick of where this blog is going!” like just leave then. This isn’t your blog its for kat and for people who like what she posts.
Arachna
I actually find the predictable constant complaints about the price on expensive items annoying when this blog is explicitly for professionals most of whom make very good money. Sure, public sector employees are also part of the corporette group but so are partners and others who can easily afford expensive suits so the every post “who can afford this?” question is weird.
Frump
My husband and I between us gross over dix figures of income (and we live pretty frugally) and there are many, MANY items of clothing on this blog that I would consider both unaffordable and overpriced. For example, I think I recall awhile back a printed dress of sorts with a sea-scene as its print and it was well into the thousands… not sure what you and/or your husband do, but I feel even the average, high income corporette can’t necessarily afford a $3000, super particular (if not slightly ugly and impractical) dress, which makes those suggestions seem a little silly sometimes.
I am sure there are plenty of people on here who wouldn’t mind investing that sort of money in suits, trenches, bags, or other much more versatile items, but I haven’t really met anybody on this blog who has so much disposable income (after kids, household expenses, investments, savings, loans, etc.) to be able to so randomly and flippantly afford extremely expensive, particular designer pieces at the drop of a hat.
Frump
And of course I make a typo: *six, not dix
Little Lurker
I still love this community; the detailed, personal, empathetic answers to threadjacks are wonderful, and the reason I keep returning.
But while I wish Kat all the best in her new endeavors, I agree that I’m not so interested in the latest fashion trends or hearing her experiences at Fashion Week. The suggestions have become more and more trendy — either ridiculously extravagant, or cheap. I agree with whoever said that there should just be a standing recommendation for all Target Mossimo clothing ;)
I’m sticking around for now, but it’s the career advice of the Corporettes more than the brand enthusiasm of Kat that will continue to make it worthwhile.
Sorry if this is harsh — but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way and I think it’s important Kat hear us.
balancing act
I agree with you. Fashion week doesn’t really appeal to me as much as say, the comfortable pump guide :)
SuzyQ
I really hope that there continues to be a space for professional women to talk about their various threadjack topics. I don’t even read the fashion part anymore – I go straight for the comments and zoom into the threadjacks and read the great advice, well-written, from intelligent women who know what they are talking about. Where else can you find this? Not babycenter, not abovethelaw, not on any other mommyblog – seriously, corporette is the best.
Lola
I agree! The fashion posts are merely a vehicle for the threadjacks, which I love reading.
Anonymous
….and I think that says something about where this blog has gone. I used to read for the fashion part, and now I don’t. Though I agree that the blog has repurposed itself as a good message board (can we set it up as a forum already??).
Louise
A follow up to the discussion about this ruffle-front dress from the Limited:
http://www.thelimited.com/detail/flowy-ruffle-shirtdress/3276691
I happened to wander into a store yesterday and saw the dress. They didn’t have it in my size, so I was only able to look at it. The material seemed very thin and cheap looking, it was a wrinkled hot mess on the hanger, and the construction quality looked poor. I doubt I would have even given it a second glance if we hadn’t discussed it in the comments and admired it on the website, although the raspberry color really is very pretty.
Tessa
Aw, that’s too bad. It’s a very pretty one on the model.
Rie
That’s a very pretty dress. I like how it is fun but having the belt there makes it classy for work.
I wish I could lose some of flab off my tummy. I would love to get into this sort of dress. It seems pretty tight around the waist area.
TK1
Thanks for the review, I was seriously considering this one, it looks adorable on the website! I will save my $50.
Limited Dress
Thanks for the feedback, Louise! I was the one who posted about this dress originally. I never made it to the mall and didn’t want to buy it sight unseen, so your feedback is super helpful. I will save my $50.
Sharon
Kat, your blog was mentioned on College Confidential in a thread about what a college-age young woman should wear on a summer internship. (It was parents who were responding.) Apparently quite a few of the mothers read Corporette.
Matilda
Speaking of workout gear: I know that some of you ladies run marathons. I’m just back from a long training run in preparation for an April marathon. Not for the first time, I’m realizing I need to invest in some good-quality underwear for my longer runs because my $5-a-pack Hanes are not cutting it. Anybody have any suggestions?
E
Well, there are always the running shorts with the underwear built in. The Nike ones are particularly popular and look a lot like the Asics ones shown in this thread. They are super comfy and you can usually find them for about $25/pair. The first time running in them it does seem a bit strange not to be wearing underwear, but you get over it quickly.
AnonInfinity
Do you wear the standard running shorts with a liner? If so, they’re designed to be worn without undies, so go commando!
If you feel uncomfortable with that, I’ve had good luck with UnderArmour underwear. I’d recommend buying one of a few different brands/styles because what works for one woman will give another woman a raging wedgie.
And, most importantly, GOOD LUCK on your marathon!!!!
anon33
Second the UnderArmour suggestion! I can’t go commando – I generally will wear the same pair of running shorts two or three times before washing them, and feel that it gets too gross down there.
cbackson
I’m also training for an April marathon! I must confess that I go commando under my tights, typically – I just find there’s too much potential for chafing otherwise.
Matilda
cbackson — which one are you doing? I’m heading to Nashville — very exciting!
cbackson
I’m doing Boston, actually – I was one of the lucky few who managed to get registered before it sold out (all spots were gone in 8 hours this year). Nashville should be great – and what a fun city to visit.
Ses
My favorites are the shorts with built-in underwear. I get the $15 shorts from Target. All the other underwear I’ve tried rides up (or down!) but these are great – stay in place and keep everything comfy with good moisture-wicking.
Disclaimer – I usually don’t do more than 4 or 5 miles so I’m not sure what the long distance comfort of these are.
I think this (link below) is the kind I bought last.
http://www.target.com/C9-Champion-Running-Shorts-Ebony/dp/B003ZVBWPS/ref=br_1_3?ie=UTF8&node=13035951&sessionID=189-4538084-1072004&searchSize=30&searchView=grid5&searchPage=1&sr=1-3&qid=1298249588&rh=style_name:Athletic%20Shorts&searchBinNameList=style_name,lifestyle-bin,target_com_size-bin,target_com_primary_color-bin,price&searchRank=salesrank&frombrowse=1
Rie
Hi everyone.
I’ve been really into Penny auctions lately. Well, lurking more likely.
Has anyone had a go on them?
Have you won anything?
Anne Shirley
I think they sound like a scam, and it would be nice if you’d keep your money wasting blog links off this site.
JessC
“money wasting blog links”? Huh?
C’mon everyone, let’s all play nice. I saw nothing about her blog that fits the above description and if she wants to post a link to her blog, she’s more than entitled.
I have heard of penny auctions (never heard of them called that, but have seen advertisements for services that sound very similar). Can’t help but feel that they’re a little sketchy.
Rie
Anne Shirley,
I’m sorry that you are unhappy about me posting “money wasting blog links” on Corporette. I was only trying to seek out opinions or experiences of girls here who might have gone on them.
Rie
Jess C
They do sound very sketchy and I’ve actually gone on a couple of sites and tried to read as much as I could (whatever FAQs or independent reviews) on them.
I thought it was a little like trading on the market except that you get a nice bag in return for example. I can see how it would be easy for girls to get hooked on this. Anything that addictive, I think would be best for me to steer clear of!
I just wondered if anyone here has actually won anything.
That was my simple “wonder out loud” that someone felt like “money wasting blog link” here. Apologies.
Anne Shirley
Yep, I stand by “money wasting blog link.” You’re a new poster, your blog looks new, and your intro topic is a scam. And fyi, if you want the experience of “girls” you may need to head elsewhere. This blog is full of women who are too smart for this!
Tessa
I think they are a form of gambling that might start out with decent payouts (or not), but inevitably the payouts will deminish. Think about it – you’re buying a “bidding package” for a right to place a certain number of bids, but there is no certainty as to whether you’ll win any auctions at an acceptable price. You can point to instances where people have won big on slot machines, but it doesn’t make them some sort of good idea.
I’ve heard people say, “everyone thought ebay was a scam initially” (I’m not even sure this is true) as some sort of argument that penny auctions will be similarly vindicated. But ebay didn’t require upfront payment to be able to place a bid. It’s a completely different model and one that isn’t going to make sense longer term.
Rie
Tesa
Well put. They are indeed, a form of gambling. It would be interesting to see how sort of thing/ trend pans out.
Rie
OH and I couldnt reply earlier to Anne Shirley…
Fair enough if you think that way.
And fyi, if you want the experience of “girls” you may need to head elsewhere. This blog is full of women who are too smart for this!
– where I come from, being called a “girl” isnt meant to demoting your intelligence or experience in the corporette world.
Maybe Moving
I’m a US-trained lawyer and am kicking around the idea of trying to move to practicing in London. Anyone with relevant advice/experience? I’m in a specialized type of project finance, and am interested in London because much of the big interesting international work in my field is handled there. My current firm doesn’t have a London office, so I’d have to start somewhere new.
Scanning the openings on LateralLink suggests that it would be helpful for me to get admitted in New York (I’m admitted in another US state), but that’s all I’ve figured out so far. Any advice? Has anyone done this?
Maybe Moving
I should add that I’ve lived abroad before (although not in the UK), so I’m not so much concerned about those aspects of the transition.
Coach Laura
Maybe, I’m not an expert on law firms, but is there any chance your firm would let you open a satellite office?
cbackson
No, that’s not really something large firms do for associates. Alas!
(We do have a partner who managed to persuade the firm to let him open a satellite office in Costa Rica, but I am skeptical that he’s actually working…)
Coach Laura
I guess I should have asked if the OP was a partner or not. Cbackson, are you “Maybe Moving” or am I confused?
cbackson
I’m not the OP but assumed she was an associate because there aren’t many partner-level folks here. But maybe not?
Ida
I think there are a lot of partners here. . a few people have mentioned they are, I know my friends who are partners come on the site.
2L NYC
I know that Cleary and Milbank both have London offices and good project finance departments. My friend used to work at Cleary NY (although M&A rather than project finance particularly) and had a very easy time transferring to Cleary London. I’m not sure if they have the specific area that you are in — a lot of project finance that Milbank does seems to be focused on Latin America/Asia rather than London.
Alayna
Hello, corporettes! I could use some relationship advice. I’ve talked to my close friends about this, but there is no consensus. So here goes:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We are both graduating from law school soon, and we have jobs lined up different cities (5 hours away). We tried to find jobs in the same city, but we were not successful thanks to this wonderful economy. I am ready to discuss marriage and the future. He is not. To me, it is not about the ring, the ceremony, or any pomp and circumstance surrounding that sort of stuff. I love him dearly, and I want to build a future with him. It aggravates me to no end that he is not willing to consider marriage right now. He won’t even discuss it right now, other than to say that he is not ready.
Since we are going to be long-distance for at least a year, is it unreasonable of me to expect him to discuss marriage and our future? I know LDRs are very difficult, and I want to know that we are on the same page. I don’t expect him to propose right now. I just want to know that we want the same things before I put myself through all a LDR. Should I just keep my mouth shut and try to be more patient with him or do I try to talk to him more about it?
Any advice you all can share would be greatly appreciated!
Anne Shirley
I just did this! Dated the same guy all through law school, took jobs a 2.5 hour flight away from each other. It didn’t work. We both had busy jobs, like any first year associate, and keeping up our relationship became a chore.
At this point, if he won’t even discuss something that is very important to you, even to say that he disagrees/isn’t ready, then is this really a relationship you want to be in? “Just keeping your mouth shut” doesn’t sound like a recipe to your happiness.
I do understand that the economy sucks. Really. But in the end I realized that by moving to different cities, my boyfriend and I had made a choice- to value our jobs more than our relationships. Either one of us could have said, look, I’m coming with you. I will find something. And we didn’t. I think we made the right choice, but thinking of it as something we had to do did us no favors.
anon
It sounds like you would not do a LDR unless there is a guarantee of marriage at the end. Sorry, but life doesn’t have guarantees. Either do the LDR because you love him and want to continue being with him, or break it off and find someone else who will marry you on your schedule. Why do you want to get married anyway? Is it because you think it is necessary in order to “build a future” with him? Because you think that without he, he’s more likely to stray and might eventually leave? Sounds like you just want to lock him down.
Alayna
It isn’t that I wouldn’t do a LDR without some sort of guarantee. I just want to know that he is as committed to making this work as I am and that he wants the same things with me that I want with him. Right now, I don’t feel that way.
I don’t want to lock him down. I strongly value marriage, family, and commitment. These are non-negotiable for me. While other people’s relationships may flourish without that level of commitment, that is not a future I want for myself. Like I said, I want to know that he wants those things with me.
MelD
Have you been in a LDR with your boyfriend before? If not, he may just be concerned that it may not work out and does not want to get engaged until you two can be together in the same town. I do not think there is anything wrong with that. My sister and her husband had a LDR for many years and even broke up for a while because it seemed like being in the same city was so far off. They finally ended up getting engaged/married when they could finally be in the same town.
anon
Then go with your gut. He is not the right person for you. It doesn’t sound like he values that sort of commitment, at least not right now. If he won’t even discuss it, then it’s just not that important for him. Obviously it is for you, so find someone who shares your values. The last thing you want is to pressure him into marriage before he’s ready — these are exactly the men who cheat, and you will eventually get hurt.
anon
Oh, and — I’m sorry; it always sucks to end a relationship, but you have to do what’s right for you.
cbackson
I think this is totally legit, FWIW, and I’m a bit surprised by the semi-harshness of anon’s response. It’s not unreasonable to want to know (especially after three years of dating as full-fledged adults) where your relationship is going.
anon
yeah you’re right it was kind of harsh. Guess I’m just frustrated with some of the marriages I’ve seen lately. Most men I know are cheating, the women are unhappy but don’t have a clue. Men care about themselves, while the women are making their men the center of their universe, and losing out in the process. It’s just sad.
Canadian
First, I just want to say that I totally empathize with what you’re going through. You have some hard decisions ahead of you, for sure.
I was in a similar situation to your’s a few years ago with my ex-boyfriend. We had been dating for almost 3 years and I really wanted to figure out what the long term potential for our relationship was, e.g. If he could see himself marrying me. I loved him and I wanted to marry him and we spent a lot of time talking about our future. He even looked at engagement rings for me with my close friends.
Then I ended up getting into law school and moving to a city a few hours away. We never really discussed how it would affect our relationship, I think we both assumed that we would make a LDR work until we could be in the same city. After I moved away things started to get kind of weird; I always went to visit him, but he never made the effort to visit me. He even told me at one point that he didn’t know if he ever wanted to marry me. I tried to give him time to figure things out because I loved him and I figured that he just needed to take a step back and reassure himself. Well, long story short, I finally ended up breaking up with him because it seemed as though our lives were going in two different directions; he wanted to focus on developing his career as an engineer with the company he was working for, and I wanted to continue to make connections in the legal community in my city.
I learned that you can’t force someone to be with you. You need to be honest with yourself and give him the permission to be fully honest with you too. His desire to not even discuss something that is so important to you should be a warning that there might be other issues that you need to discuss together. I hope everything works out for you!
My opinion
I would think that after 3 years, he should know whether or not he wants to marry you. His refusal to even discuss it would indicate to me that he does not. The LDR will probably break you up. He may even be hoping that the LDR does it, so he doesn’t have to. I did that once when I was too chicken to break up with my boyfriend because I “cared” about him but didn’t love him anymore. I made plans to move elsewhere without him. I ended up breaking up with him before I left though.
cbackson
I agree. Given that the OP and her boyfriend are old enough to be finishing law school, I think that three years is plenty of time to know where a relationship is going.
Ann
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
A bajillion years ago when I was graduating from college, this “I am moving to a different city from you and refuse to discuss where our relationship is going, or how this is going to work” was a cowardly breakup method for some of the guys I knew. It does a neat job of ending the relationship without having to force an uncomfortable confrontation. I am not saying that’s necessarily what’s happening here, but to me, when someone wants to be with you, they talk about how to make the relationship work – especially when there’s a big change to the relationship coming. My husband and I did a stint long-distance at the very beginning of our relationship; we talked a lot about what would happen and how to make it work, where the boundaries were for seeing other people, and that we did, in fact, want to be together in the same city within a certain period of time. OP, if your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about this – any of this – I think there’s a not-so-subtle message there. You guys are both young. He may be thinking that this is his chance to go to a new city and see what life has to offer. It may not have anything to do with you, but I would NOT spend one minute “waiting” for him, in any sense of the word. In fact, I would sit down with him and say “this is how I feel. If you don’t feel that way, OK, but I need to know how you do feel. Do you want to try to stay together when we move to different cities? Or do you feel it would be better to break up?” Be prepared for whatever his answer is. It is totally possible he doesn’t want to break up but isn’t sure how to make it work, or that he isn’t sure what he wants.
I am sorry you are in this uncertain situation, but sometimes a non-answer is an answer in itself. I think you are probably going to have to push the issue and it may result in a breakup sooner than you want. FWIW, I think it would be better – if in fact you guys are headed that direction, that it happens sooner rather than later – then you can move to your new city without a lot of uncertainty about your relationship. Good luck.
JessC
I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to want him to at least discuss the top with you. My suggestion would be to talk in-terms of “future” and “long-term”, rather than “engagement” and “wedding”. I know it may seem weird, but some guys just get freaked out by the terms until they’re 100% ready to take the plunge. Explain to him that you don’t want to get married tomorrow, but you need to know whether he sees a future with you and is willing to try to make an LDR work. Also try asking why it is he’s not ready or why he won’t even talk about it. There maybe something else going on that you don’t know anything about it. If he still won’t talk, then I would strongly consider getting out now. Being entirely unwilling to have a serious conversation with you about your future is not a good sign for the long-term.
There’s nothing wrong with ultimately wanting to get married. To many people the formal legal and spiritual commitment is immensely important. But what’s not right is staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you or have the same values. It’ll only lead to heartache to you and your partner.
CFM
You really can’t do a long distance relationship without an end point in sight. Rarely do you grow that much closer while being long distance. When you love someone, and want to be with them, you can do a long distance relationship for 1 year, 2 years etc. You can’t do a long distance relationship with no end in sight, its really draining. It sucks but if he is not willing to talk marriage (and a possible end to long distance relationship) i would break up with him. Theres nothing that says you cant get back in touch with him in the future, but I would end it sooner rather than later
Rie
Alayna
I think alot of the sentiments here point to “Having a goal in sight” when it comes to your LDR. You have already spelt out what you want from the relationship. Your goals on your end are clear. Perhaps it is time to clarify them with him. Sure he says, he’s not ready but at least you need to communicate clearly how you feel.
Some men (and women) I know, feel that they aren’t ready to talk about things in the bigger picture like marriage when they havent sorted out their own backyard in terms of jobs, and job security. And because you are both going to be embarking on your career, you know it will be a months. a year of getting your feet wet. Things can be unpredictable.
I think communication is key and him listening to how you feel is extremely important.
5 hours is nothing! In this day and age. We are constantly connected via the web and good travel infrastructure- budget airlines, fast railway lines, etc. Having your own time and life apart would bring enriching experiences to your lives together!
Wishing you the best.
MelD
Fast railway lines? Where are you? That said, I agree that talking about the relationship is a good idea. I know quite a few people who went through a lot of stress with the combination of having a LDR to deal with on top of going through everything you go through when starting your first legal job. It may be easy to talk about getting married now when you are still in law school, but everything is going to be different after graduation.
Five hours may not be something that’s doable that regularly if both parties work at jobs that require you to be in the office over the weekend. There can also be bitterness if one person is making the trip every week and the other party is not able to reciprocate. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one party wanting to see how things go with work and the commute before being willing to commit to marriage/engagement.
LDR veteran
i’m in LDR right now (started back in may when we both left school) and i think it has been good for us. it has forced us to talk more and get closer that way, but also allows us to have our own lives which is very liberating. obviously this is unromantic, but relationships can be a huge time-suck. when you’re starting your career, finding your way around a new city, making new friends, it’s nice to have a wonderful person at the end of the day who you can talk to for an hour before bed but not need to commute across town to see every night. dont get me wrong, it sucks a lot of the time, but there are plusses here too.
just wanted to give that perspective. and i agree that it’s inconsiderate and troubling that he refuses to discuss the future of your relationship, when that’s clearly so important to you.
Divaliscious11
Sure you can. You may need to set an internal time frame of how long you want it to be long distance, but I know several couples with long term, dual city marriages. It can work, but it won’t work if you think it won’t. Most of these people I know have better relationships then the marriages where everyone is in the same house. It requires a bit more work in some ways and a bit less in others, but marriages and relationships should be predicated on love, not just location, so I advise the OP not to preclude based upon location. Now the lack of desire to discuss marriage is a different issue….
CFM
But an internal time frame is still a time limit… that was exactly my point..
Divaliscious11
To clarify – I think its okay for her to say I can only do X, for Y period of time. But she can’t impose that same thought pattern on the other person in the relationship – it becomes an ultimatum and those rarely turn out well.
Alayna
Thanks, everyone for the advice. I intend to talk to him soon about everything. Hopefully it will go over well. If nothing else, it will make me feel better to talk it through with him.
Frump
While I am all for people not rushing into marriage, I feel at the end of three years together, your boyfriend should have a good idea of whether or not marriage and a future together is something he wants to pursue. The fact that he doesn’t sends up intense red flags for me and I would seriously recommend a lot of internal rumination about keeping up a relationship with him. You have already spent three years of your life on something that might not end up resulting in what you want- why spend even more precious time? I feel you owe it to yourself to find somebody who shares your life goals and more importantly, wants to share them with you.
All shopped out
PSA – my local Lord and Taylor is doing 50% off most suits this weekend. I got a great Tahari (lined) dress and jacket for $120 combined.
lawstudent
That’s a nice find!
Another Sarah
Hi all, could use some sage advice/rant/whatever…
I’ve been having (what we hope to be) a pretty bad reaction to some medicine I’ve been taking. Suffice to say, depending on what part of my body you look at, I’m either a burn victim or I ran into a hive of angry hornets. This has been going on since Wendesday, my doctors are all up and up about it, I have another emergency follow-up to my emergency appointment with a new dr that was made Friday. My mom has even come up to take care of me. We all think I’ll be fine…but…
I’m supposed to take the Bar in another state on Tuesday. My doctor made the emergency appt for Monday to see me again, and pretty much said that we’ll assess on Monday whether or not she would be comfortable with me traveling specifically for a particularly stressful event. Which is fair. Over the past few days I haven’t been feeling better, but slowly and surely worse. I’ve been able to study and do practice tests, but today was NOT a good day. Currently, I’m thinking that, depending on how I feel tomorrow, I may not go regardless of what my Dr. says. I’ve already failed once, and it would SUCK to fail again because I did something like faint in the middle of the exam, a sign that I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Aside from the physical stuff, I feel completely ready to take the exam. So currently balancing “I’m ready to do this!” with “I can’t do this…” If I feel fine tomorrow, then cool and I’ll wait on my MD; if not, then I won’t go. What do you think?
Sydney Bristow
Wow, I have no advice for you but I wanted to say I’m sorry and wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Can you go to urgent care tomorrow if you continue to feel worse?
Rie
Argh! I understand how you feel. I’m sure you’re already doing all you can to get better but how long do you have to wait if you cant make it tomorrow.
I think your body will let you know at some stage.
I wish you luck!!
mille
There are two things that immediately sprung to mind– 1. Benadryl does wonders when you have a reaction to medication. and 2. there is not any reason I can see to force yourself to do the bar exam if you aren’t physically ready. Unless you have a job lined up or expect to in the next 6 months, you can pass on this one. No need to add travel stress and bar exam stress to your health issues.
Don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
EC
You might also contact the bar examiners and see if you can get a seat near the bathroom or in a separate room where you would be less likely to disrupt people if you suddenly had a medical issue – I know my state made seating accommodations for several very pregnant women and a man who literally broke his leg the night before the bar and was on strong pain medications. FWIW, they all passed!
But, if you aren’t healthy enough to be sitting upright for two days, you really should do what’s best for you. Good luck.
Rie
How did it go, in the end?
BB
If you’re feeling worse, it could be very serious. It sounds like it could be Stephens-Johnsons Syndrome (which is a skin reaction to a variety of medications that include sulfa, penecillin, even motrin, depending on what you’re allergic to). I would take this VERY seriously. And you should NOT continue to take the medication. SJS can be horrible. And deadly. The worst cases of it (which I survived as a child) are called Toxic Epedermal Necrolysis. VERY VERY bad. Some doctors aren’t very familiar with this reaction. Take care of this situation first, worry about the bar second.
coco
I finally took the plunge and bought a pair of skinny jeans. I found a great sweater to go with them as well as one tunic, but I was wondering if you all had any more suggestions on places to look for tunics. I found a few things that *could* work, but are just too short for me to feel totally comfortable with them. Any tips for skinny jeans outfits?
rg
I took the plunge not too long ago. For my build, I think anything that sort of hides my rear is the best option. Longer sweaters, tunics (like you’ve bought), and longer button down shirts. I have a teal, silk shirt that I absolutely love (it’s actually a little longer in back than front). Also, pairing a shorter jacket over a somewhat slimmer tunic works well.
Rie
Hi Coco and RG
I wish I could fit into Skinny Jeans. I’ve got a massive flabby belly that needs some attention in the form of serious diet and exercise.
I digress.
I love the classic looks at J Crew. I hope that’s not too preppy?
I think those classic white shirts tucked out would work and be very sexy with the jeans. A longer cardi. tunics (like you mention), drapey tops.
Layering like RG had mentioned works, too.
Definitely with heels.
What about the following looks?
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_feature/NewArrivals/shirts/PRDOVR~36328/36328.jsp
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_feature/NewArrivals/outerwear/PRDOVR~37350/37350.jsp
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_feature/NewArrivals/outerwear/PRDOVR~37901/37901.jsp
Tunics and Kaftans from Monsoon here: http://www.monsoon.co.uk/women/tunics+kaftans/icat/tunicandkaftan/&bklist=icat,4,shop,women,tunicandkaftan
Forever 21 http://www.polyvore.com/forever21_tunics/shop?brand=Forever21&category_id=15
L from Oz
Rie, I’m definitely not the sveltest thing out there, and never thought I could wear skinny jeans, but they make them in my size, and it turns out they look surprisingly good! So don’t rule them out. (Mine are Gardeau – not cheap but they wear well and suit short round me.)
I love Monsoon too, by the way. Am counting down to my next business trip to the UK!
Rie
L, are you also an Aussie?
Anyway, Yes I LOVE monsoon too. Wish their prices could be more wallet-friendly, though.
Good luck with your business trip. And thanks for the little encouragement there, maybe I could try to squeeze into some skinny jeans. Im having trouble squeezing into normal jeans at the moment.
CFM
Actually places like forever 21 have a ton. Sometimes i wear their short dresses with skinny jeans
Res Ipsa
Tunics: Highly recommend Boden for cute tunics. I’d also trying searching out other European brands; in my experience, they tend to have more modest-but-fashionable pieces.
coco
Thank you all for the suggestions. And for another excuse to go visit the Boden website – I’ve been trying to stay away because it is all so tempting!
Michelle
I have several pairs of skinny jeans and I usually wear them with a cardigan, oversized sweater or a boyfriend type blazer… I never wear tunics with them.
Julie
I just wondered if anyone knew of a place to get a leather (or other nice material) ID holder (w/string that goes around the neck). We have to wear them at all times at our office (to get in/out doors). A lot of ladies have a Coach version but I just want something to replace the company-issued, disintigrating plastic one I have!
Thanks for any thoughts.
Another Sarah hope you feel better!
All shopped out – I will check out L&T thanks for that tip.
D
This is a luggage tag, but could be used as an ID holder.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/66810629/luggage-tag-green-and-white-diamonds?ref=sr_gallery_34&ga_search_query=id_holder&ga_page=3&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=
spacegeek
Google badge holders. Etsy is a great place to look.
Divaliscious11
I had a cute one made at etsy….
Julie
Thanks, spacegeek and Divaliscious! I think I may have been googling the wrong term (ID badge) vs badge holder. Appreciate it!
Rie
Same here. Well. I’m in Asia so a lot of girls have the Coach version the ID card case/ lanyard holder. I was able to find slightly “anon” brands but nontheless, leather cases in bright colours at stationery shop in Japan.
Do stationery shops there have your usual business card holder. lanyard holder misc. items?
Ballerina girl
Crisis! A few months back, I posted on here that I was miserable with my law firm job and was trying to make the jump into the NGO world. I am four months into a very ridiculous interview process with a nationally renowned organization for a very junior legal position. They initially got a resume, cover letter, references, and a writing sample. Then they asked me to do a timed writing exercise. Then I had an interview. Then I had a second interview. Then they asked me to do a week-long research and writing exercise to help them make the final call. Then they emailed me asking me for references (forgetting that I sent them about six months ago at this point) including (and this is key) **the contact information for my direct supervisor at my current employer** who they wouldn’t contact until they were about to offer me the job.
I’m freaking out. I really wanted this job but this process has turned me off to them and this final request is one that I am just not comfortable with. If I were to end up not getting the job (or if I were to decide not to take it for some reason), I would have irreparably harmed my relationship with my current employer for nothing. I have a very good relationship with my boss and he’d definitely give me a great review, but I don’t want to do it.
I was thinking of telling them that I could give other references (including people I have done pro bono work for since I graduated law school) and that they could contact a recruiter I worked with who is no longer with the firm and was not my supervisor at all. I could finally offer to let them speak to my boss only after I’ve been offered AND accepted the position with the proviso that after the conversation, they can always revoke my offer. I’m positive I’ll get a great review so I’m not worried about the revoking thing.
Other things to note: this position is only a two year position and I have an interview at another (lesser known) organization for a less legal (i.e. useful to have my J.D. but not required) position in two weeks.
Any and all advice extremely welcome. I’m sick to my stomach about all this.
anonymous
Go with your gut and ask for an offer first. That’s unreasonable for them to jeopardize your current position.
Laura #2
First of all, that’s frustrating. You’ve clearly given a lot (understatement?) of time and energy to this process, and I can only imagine what it feels like to get that far and have this be their last request.
Second, I agree with the previous poster. I know you want this job, but I think you need to be firm about what you are and are not comfortable doing. It’s entirely possible that they have a different culture in regards to people leaving, so in their eyes, asking for a direct supervisor’s recommendation isn’t as potentially damaging as it might be for you.
I think your proposed options sound completely reasonable. Best of luck, and I hope you are able to reach a good resolution after this lengthy process!
Anonymous
This happened to me last summer when I was going through the hiring process at a university, moving to academia from the professional world. I said I couldn’t provide a reference from my current supervisor because it could impact my current position if I wasn’t formally offered-or accepted–the job but that I would happily share my most recent performance reviews which would reflect that supervisor’s candid assessment of my work. That satisfied them. And I was offered and ultimately took the university job.
Like you, though, I went through a very strange and arduous hiring process that affected how I viewed the job. I ultimately decided that I had to divorce the process from the position. I’m glad I did because I later learned that much of what frustrated me was more a function of how the human resources department worked than how my department works. That may or may not be the case for you but if you really want the job, don’t let this unnecessarily dissuade you.
anon
This. Offer them a copy of your most recent, or 2 most recent, written performance reviews.
Also, check your current employer’s written policy on giving references. Many employers prohibit substantive references (i.e., anything more than dates of employment and title, and salary if a written authorization is signed). You can use that as an additional reason for not contacting your current employeer — i.e., you don’t want to jeopardize your current position in case you don’t end up receiving an offer, and even if they did contact your current employer, they wouldn’t get a substantive response anyway, because it’s against company policy.
Anonymous
This is not unusual. Most places are sensitive to the fact that you want to break the news to your employer yourself, and they won’t call until they are “sure” you are going to get it. I would talk to them about it and tell them you want to break the news first because it’s not worth it to you to jeopardize your relationship with your employer.
That said, I would not do any of that unless you are sure you want to take this new job, and it sounds like you aren’t. That’s what you need to figure out. if you would take the job if they offered it to you today, then you should move forward and have them call your employer after you have talked to the employer. If you are not sure, that’s a different problem.
Ballerina girl
Well, it’s a timing thing. I’m interviewing for another job I want more but I want either of these jobs more than my current job. If I’m offered the job, I will take it — unless the other job has, in the interim, offered me the position — the tricky part will be if Job A pseudo-offers me the job and wants to talk to my boss while I’m still trying to get Job B to pick up the pace with their process. I’m not going to turn down Job A unless Job B is a sure thing, though.
There’s also the matter of timing in that I want Job A but I also want to see if I can delay the start date a bit so I can get my bonus in the next five weeks. If they call my boss before I get my bonus (which would be about 1/6 of the new job’s salary and hence worth waiting for — I’m taking a huge pay cut for this job) then I risk losing the bonus, too.
Seems like a lot to risk unless they’ve made a firm offer–and even though I think I’d accept it now, there are unknowns such as the exact salary and benefits package. Once they’ve talked to my boss, they know I’ve got to accept it, which diminishes my negotiating power.
In the end, I think I’m going to give them my regular references, tell them I’m uncomfortable about them talking to my boss b/c of x, y, and z and then say that they can talk to them only if a) they’ve decided I’m going to get the job and that’s the only thing standing in the way and b) they allow we to dictate the timing of it a bit so that I can talk to the boss first (and have a real chance to think through whether I’m accepting it or not).
All very stressful–thanks for helpful advice, everyone.
LarueFesus
Hi,
I don’t know if this is the right forum category to post this. But i am desperatly want to know the best way to get pregnant fast and easy.
Regards
Larue
Kady
Sex. Lots of it. HTH
Anonymous
Drunk sex. ;o) With the wrong guy.
Michelle
when you’re 16 years old ;-)
Res Ipsa
As someone recommended above, read “Taking Charge Of Your Fertility” (Toni Weschler).
Also, don’t assume getting pregnant will be fast or easy.
Anonymous
You need to be able to tell when you ovulate. It’s not hard–read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
Then, have sex about every 36 hours for a week before expected ovulation and until you are sure ovulation is over.
That should do it, but it can take a while depending on your age, fertility, etc.
Anonymous
There is a great book called Taking Control of Your Feritility. I learned a lot from the book, especially how to tell if I had ovulated.
Anon
ON the long distance relationships… my husband and I got jobs in different cities after law school (met there) and it was a no-brainer. We decided to stay together no matter what. It was a very tough legal market at that time, and yep!, there were consequences- and I’ll never regret it. We decided to make compromises in life for each other, take turns ‘following’ each other if needed. 9 years later we both have great jobs and a great life together. He is far more important to me than any job, and I am a very career-oriented person. We did make sure only to go to places with ‘room’ for two lawyers to get jobs, by the way.
somewherecold
That’s good to hear! My now-fiance and I were in a LDR in law school and decided to stay (physically) together once we graduated. Thanks for sharing your success story.
Anonymous
Any recommendations for a fun workout DVD to help me pull myself out of an exercise slump? Preferably something that’s more dance-y as opposed to aerobics/kickboxing/etc, but all suggestions will be very much appreciated.
somewherecold
Check out the Masala Bhangra series (they have it on amazon). I have the hip hop one, and it is a nice change of pace.
MelD
Do you have On Demand and/or Netflix? Both have a pretty good selection of workouts- including a variety of dance options. It’s a good way to try out a few different series to see what you like, or you can just switch them out throughout the week to get a variety.
jcb
Tracy Anderson’s dvds are pretty fun. Much more dance-oriented than most aerobics.
AEK
Wishing that I had today off from work, or, barring that, a new post to read!
Rie
Just wondering how you deal with over-enthusiastic, very inquisitive juniors?
I have a junior who works with me and these are the ways she gets on my nerve:
– wearing an off-the shoulder chiffon dress top to a meeting with external vendors
– asking me everytime I leave the office, ” where are you going?” “what kind of meeting are you going to have” ” who are you meeting”
– when I ask her for some information or feedack, she will say “Yes, yes can we talk about this later? I’m working on another project now.
I have to say though (as a disclaimer) that I like her efficiency in getting things done and this is her first job which she is doing really well in. Her inqusitive-ness really tires me but I dont to encourage a climate of keeping everything to myself in the office/ our department. OH, and we work in the arts so that sort of dress-code is somewhat alright but not really when meet tech-people/ academics.
Hel-lo
A guy friend of mine told me that an annoying dude in his office was doing the same thing. One night as he was leaving the office, the kid kept asking him where he was going. He eventually said he was “going to a restaurant called None of Your Damn Business.”
:)
Rie
Hel-lo
Thanks for that :)