Weekend Open Thread

302 Comments

1. Corporettes,

   Need you help! I am thinking of applying for govt attorney jobs and have been lurking on the usajobs website. I understand from the precvious discussions here that basically submitting my resume online is like not submitting my resume at all.

   My question is, if the job I want to apply to is in a different state, how do I go about getting my resume in front of the right people? I have basically no contacts in the fed and have no idea who I should reach out to.

   Also, question for those of us who already work for govt – how selective/choosy is the process? I have a good resume, big law experience etc but have been out of work for a while. I am sure this fact will have negative impact on my candidacy, but how much? Do I have any chance at all?

   I appreciate all feedback.

   1. Excellent question and one I’m interested in hearing the answers to. From what I understand, the only way to apply for federal government jobs is to apply through the USA jobs website. I’d love to know if this is not the case.

   2. It varies widely by agency. I assume we’re not talking about DOJ, which has a hiring freeze.

      1. Just FYI about hiring freeze — this just means that the DOJ can’t hire you right this instant. They CAN look at your application and they CAN interview you and they CAN give you a background check to see if you would even be able to work at the DOJ. If you pass all of those things, they can actually hire you immediately after the hiring freeze is over (which could happen without notice).

         (I am currently interning at a USAO, and my AUSA explained this to me, so any actual DOJ people can feel free to correct this)

   3. Not sure how helpful this actually is, but there’s this:

      http://apps.americanbar.org/abastore/index.cfm?section=main&fm=Product.AddToCart&pid=1620465

      Maybe you can find a library with a free copy to browse before you buy?

   4. I look forward to answers too. I just want to add- what is the point of the online resume process, if they don’t review the resumes? I’ve found that to be the case, not just for gov’t, but for many large organizations. You go to their website to try to figure out how to apply, it directs you to the online process, you spend 45 minutes walking through all their steps, get a confirmation email that says “we’ll be in touch” and then you Never. Hear. Anything. Ever. Again.

      Frustrates me to no end!

      1. Ugh, I hear ya! 45 minutes is a conservative estimate for how much time each one took me when I was going through the process.

   5. My understanding is that it’s not necessarily like not submitting your resume at all, but that you have to be very, very particular about how you answer the questions they ask. I’m not a govt employee, but I’ve been told by those who are that resumes submitted through USAjobs are initially screened either by a computer program or by an HR person who doesn’t necessarily know what the job actually entails, and therefore they look for specific keywords. I’ve been told to basically make sure you incorporate as many key phrases in their exact wording from the posted job description as you can in your answer so it gets past the first screener to an actual person who knows what the job is really about.

      1. This is exactly true. I have both prepared my own and, since I did manage to get the job (mostly because I knew the people who were hiring and they specifically pulled my resume out of the system) have reviewed some of the resumes on USAJobs. When you are writing your KSAs, incorporate phrases from the announcement verbatim.

         Another hint – if you look at a posting and the opening and closing dates are 2 weeks apart or less, there’s a good chance they already have a candidate in mind and are just posting the opening to meet legal requirements. If it’s a job you really want, go for it, but I wouldn’t waste too much time on those.

   6. You mention having heard folks’ experiences, so I can’t dicousnt them but want for sure to add mine, because I don’t understand this at all. I have been a govt girl for years and have applied for all my govt jobs via usajobs.gov, and obviously I’ve gotten them. It takes a loooong time to get a govt job– Uncle Sam has major EEOC, Union, and other restrictions and strictures keeping him honest and making things fair = making things forever. But that’s how you apply for govt jobs. If you hit the buzzwords– don’t try to get creative or personal, it’s all very literal– you get through 1 step, if your question essays hit the buzzwords better than others’ do, you get through step 2, etc. Applications have to hit the exact words and exact qualifications, then be better and/or better EEOC-matching than others’. Then come interviews, then come offers. Often a job was created for a specific person and though they still have to get through all the steps, the qualifications were designed for their experience, so they have a better chance of getting in. Now, you may be directed by usajobs to use another application platform that a certain govt entity uses– Avue.com, etc.– but every job save presidential appointees is applied for via usajobs.gov. You won’t be updated or told if you don’t get a job. But not having heard doesn’t mean the loooong process isn’t unfolding and doesn’t mean you aren’t still in the runnings.

      Bon courage and bonne chance!

      1. To follow up on my above, there is no getting it in front of an influential person– there are no influential people unless its an appointments, i which case you would know already, having been courted by the White House. It’s all excrutiatingly precise and correct and choreographed. Computer programs, awyers, and meticulous hiring committees, the members of which have to take courses in selecting and score all applicants along the steps of the process blind and by numeical calculations. There is no personality involved. Use the exact words in the posting and use numbers where you can, proving better qualification than any other applicant. Then they go with the best buzzword and best numerical fit, numerically scored, then with EEOC quotas. It is never personal. Take heart either way. And have patience, and apply for tons and tons of positions.

         1. Wow, Thanks for the detailed reply. All my information is just anecdotal and it is good to hear from someone who is actually in the system. I will be sure to follow your recommendations.

         2. I actually know this is not the case, at least with certain legal positions. If you know someone influential, and not necessarily an appointment, that person can potentially get you an interview. It’s happened.

            1. Agreed – I saw federal judges get jobs for their clerks by putting the resume in front of the right person, even when there wasn’t really a job to fill. However, I think the advice above about USAjobs is generally true, and also true for other large organizations with electronic job applications.

            2. @EC — yeah, definitely not true for all gov’t jobs, but I just wanted to put it out there that they’re not all “merit” based. Unfortunately.

            3. Agreed. My agency receives a ton of applications and I know people who got interview requests 2 years after they applied. If I had just sent in my resume to my current agency, I would not be working here. I made an effort to meet people working for the agency, then got them to take my resume to the person in charge of hiring. Once I got an interview, the rest was up to me but they certainly got me in the door.

            4. @Emma. I believe that the people are still hired based on merit. With so many competitors for one job, you have to do everything in your means just to get an interview.

            5. I also know this to be true. There was one partner at my old law firm who could pick up the phone at get an interview at the US Atty’s office. At least where I live, it’s very network driven.

         3. Thank you so much for all this information.

            1. I got my current job through USA jobs. Whether my agency posts jobs there or not depends on how urgent the need is, the formal posting process takes a long time. We wind up hiring a lot of our law clerks and promoting them (who come to us from local law school job fairs or friends of a friend) or collect resumes from the people who work here (friends of friends again). Other agencies use the honors program to get most of their new hires. Most federal agencies are facing significant budget cuts right now so I expect things to be fairly competitive for the near term, don’t take it personally.
               As for being out of work for awhile, it would depend why and for how long, just as with any other potential employer. I would find a place on your resume or cover letter to spin things in the best possible light and have some strong references available. I took several years off to be with my kids after a decade in private practice, and was able to get hired.

            2. After reading my last post, wanted to add — probably ninety percent or more of the jobs at my agency get filled through postings. My original post didn’t create that impression at all. The rest get filled through the informal mechanisms I described.

         4. Thanks to everyone for all the helpful comments here!

            I am also applying for government jobs, and had a specific question about resumes in light of everything else. When the job posting says to either send a resume or an OF-612 (the government form that’s sort of like a resume but with more information), is it better to fill out the OF-612 and attach extra pages (since they only have space for 2 previous jobs/internships and I want to list more) so I can have a longer description with more “buzzwords” for each job, or to just send my regular resume, which is 1 page and has short descriptions of all my jobs/internships? Sounds like maybe the former, but I don’t want to be the annoying person who has some extra attachment to the OF-612 when everyone else just sends in a normal 1-page resume.

            If anyone has any thoughts on this, thanks in advance!

            1. Don’t think it matters — I never used anything other than my normal resume or the USA.jobs resume form, never used the old government form.

         5. This is most definitely not the case, again *at my agency*. Every one is different. I used to sit on the hiring committee. I had no formal training (beyond having sat on the hiring committee at my former Biglaw firm) and we invented our own scoring mechanism.

   7. The feds are supposed to be revamping the process so you can’t get through merely by wording your KSAs in such a way that it will get through the early pre-screen phases where someone with no clue is reading the applications. I know a few people who have gotten interviews through USAJobs submissions, so it’s not a total loss. However, that was still during the old days where there was still the rule of 3 where they could only interview 3 people for an open position. I think in the old days, sometimes the choices would be made even before the interview and they’d have two backups just in case the background check fell through.

      I think they’re also making it harder to do the pre-screen. In some cases they are forced to post a job, but the agency will make it so the required KSAs are so specific that only the person they want to get the job will qualify. Usually you can tell which jobs those are right off the bat.

      1. One of my co-workers at my old job had previously worked for a government agency and had a job description for a new position written specifically for him that they were required to post. Ironically, they ended up hiring someone else for the position written for him. That’s extremely rare, I imagine, but even the postings that look like they are written specifically for someone else aren’t hopeless (though my friend was obviously very annoyed).

      2. Key words are important, but remember, the federal government is required to post all open jobs. This includes ones that they prefer to hire internally. If a job has unique characteristics or experience required, to me, my expectation is they already have their intended hire and there is no reason to spend my time applying for the job.

   8. It’s not the USAJobs is a black hole, it’s that the selection process is unlike any other. Your application will be reviewed by a committee at OPM that probably isn’t in direct contact with the hiring office. They will be determining your qualifying grade level, and ranking your overall qualification for the job based on how your application matches the job description.

      Having done this successfully, my only advice is to read the job description and responsibilities very carefully and highlight how your experience relates to them in a very concrete way (e.g. if the job responsibility includes washing dogs, under you previous position as a dog groomer write, “responsibilities include: washing dogs.” Don’t assume the connection will be made automatically by the selection committee). So while technically you are submitting a resume, it’s not like any other resume you’ve ever written. It is perfectly okay to have long job descriptions for each position that spell out precisely how your experience relates to the position.

      Once you make it past the resume phase, your app will be sent to the hiring agency and more traditional networking etc advice still applies. If you have any connection at all in the agency (through alumni association, acquaintance, etc), set up an informational interview and let them know you’re applying. If you can do this before filling out the application, they may have additional advice on things for you to highlight so that if your resume gets to the hiring manager, things that s/he is looking for will be there (I did this myself).

      In general, USAjobs is such a toss-up because so many people apply for each job, and there are so many other concerns such as veteran’s preference etc. From talking to people from OPM, I believe that every resume that meets basic qualifications (is complete, has the right degree, etc) has to be read and ranked. Making it easy for the reader to draw the connection between your experience and the position as described is essential for getting further along the hiring process.

   9. I’ve done two rounds of working for the gov’t, BigLaw in between. The USAJobs stuff is not 100% true. It totally depends on the agency. Maybe some people in my agency got jobs through USAJobs — but I did not. We have direct hire authority, meaning resumes pass HR and go to the decision-makers. In my case, I sent my resume to the appropriate senior person in General Counsel, got a call the next day and had an offer 3 weeks later.

      My advice: sure, go ahead and apply through USAJobs. Tailor your KSA’s, word carefully, etc. But that is no substitute for networking. Get out there, find people who do the work you want to do and find a way to talk to them. Use your alumni network, use anything you can find to get to someone who can tell you how THEIR agency works, what you should be doing for that job.

      As for how selective/choosy: it totally depends on the position. I work for a small, specialized agency. MyBigLaw experience directly related to the agency’s work (I appeared before them). My agency has very specific criteria it looks for — including experience appearing before the agency. This is what you need to figure out before applying.

      I would also strongly recommend thinking about what it is you want to do, and what suits your experience/background. You’ll have much better luck with a targeted search than with a shotgun/throwing spaghetti at the wall approach. Every agency is different. Each has its own mission, culture, needs, hiring status, etc.

2. Shirts like this can too easily look like maternity wear.

   1. Agreed. Any woman above a B cup should be very wary of this style. Looks great on a model but makes me look huge.

   2. I agree that this is difficult for a C+ cup to pull off, but I share Kat’s sentiments–I love the Bohemian look in spring and summer.

   3. Yes, only for the waif-like among us. Pretty, though.

   4. My maternity weekend go-to was just like this. And way less than 78 bucks.

3. To Seattle Corporettes: Meetup next Friday, 3/11 at Boka Studio 1000 (pics and directions: http://bit.ly/dKeUWH) at 6pm. Hope to see you there!

   1. Very excited to meet some wonderful Corporettes!

4. This is slightly embarrassing, but I need help! My feet sweat quite a bit and, as a result, I have stinky feet. The problem is not new, but my husband noticed it the other evening and I was mortified. I have shoes that are now unwearable because of the issue — including a lovely pair of Roger Vivier flats.

   Does anyone have any advice on how to manage this issue and save my shoes??

   1. you may want to try Silver Linings – https://corporette.com/2010/06/22/beauty-tuesday-silver-linings/ — fyi!

      1. I love these! They are very comfortable and really do absorb a lot of foot sweat and odor, and they keep the insides of my shoes nice and clean. I put them in all new shoes now, and switch them out once a month or so. Highly recommend. One of my favorite Corporette recommendations ever. I feel gross now if I wear shoes without socks or hose and without my Silver Linings.

   2. I tried Kat’s recommendation (Silver Linings) and prefer Kiwi Freshins.

      http://store.kiwifreshins.com/index.php/

      They are much less expensive than Silver Linings and cover the whole inside of the shoe, rather than just the front part. If come in a large size that you can cut with scissors to fit your shoes. They are scented, and if you think the scent is too strong, you can let them air out before you use them. In the warmer months, I will use a pair of these a few times before tossing them, moving them from shoe pair to pair. If you wear closed toe flats, I suggest the no-show stocking footies like these in a flesh tone.

      http://www.hue.com/socks/fabulous-feet-liners.aspx

   3. Summer soles! They’re sticky but removable inserts that you put into your shoes made specifically for people with sweaty feet. They absorb the sweat and keep my feet from sliding around in my shoes, causing blisters, cuts, etc. My feet sweat a ton, and these really work. I actually just got an email from them today (should I be embarrassed to admit I’m on their email list?!), and if you order by Sunday it’s free shipping to the U.S. and Canada with the code MAR11.

   4. For shoes with which you wear socks, I recommend SmartWool socks. My sweaty-feet problem is less odor than cold (wet feet=wet socks=cold me), so if I wear socks, they are almost always wool (even in summer). It wicks the moisture and I don’t get the clammy feeling I get with other socks.

      And I’d like to thank the rest of you for your suggestions about Silver Linings and Kiwi Freshins! I hate pantihose with pants and flat refuse to wear knee-high hose, so these might be just the thing when my wool socks won’t do.

5. regular poster, but anon for this since I’m about to insult my law school’s career services office…

   Does anyone have any tips for how to get feedback/criticism/suggestions for interviewing? I’m a 2010 law school grad that’s basically unemployed (I don’t actually have any gaps in my resume because I’ve had some paid internships, but they’re not real jobs), and while I’ve gotten a handful of interviews, I can’t seem to get a job/make it to second round interviews. I’m not sure how much of it is bad interviewing skills and how much is it’s just really competitive right now, but I suspect it’s my interviewing, and I need to improve. My law school’s career services does mock interviews, but their feedback was basically non-existent (they gave a little bit, but largely it was “yea, it seems fine. I don’t know why you don’t have a job”–this is feeding into my frustration with my law school’s career services in general.) All of my friends here are around my age and none of us really have experience interviewing people, so they haven’t really been able to offer suggestions because none of us have a ton of insight into this mysterious hiring process.

   And another question related to job searching… anyone know of any groups (online or in real life in nyc) for unemployed young law grads? I’m getting increasingly frustrated and worried about my job search, especially since the class of 2011 will be graduating soon. I worry that I’ll be passed over in favor of those grads, and I feel like I need some sort of support group or just place to bitch and hear other people’s success stories to make me feel like it’s actually possible to get a job right now. I feel like if I would be a great employee if I could just get a job, but no one seems to want to give me a chance, and I’m concerned this is going to permanently stunt my career if this whole unemployed thing drags on much longer (I feel like for law hiring, it’s so class dependent that I really am going to start getting passed over for class of 2011 grads.)

   1. What about a friend or classmate that you can ask to be brutally honest with you? Might not be as good as mock interview with someone who has actually done interviewing for a firm, but it can’t be worse that career services (they sucked at my school too), and a friend would at least be able to tell you if you are doing something off-putting or seem nervous, etc.

   2. My schools career services department would videotape the interview so I could watch it later and see what they were talking about with certain criticisms. Ask them to do this. Then you can watch for yourself.

   3. I’m on the City Bar’s mailing list and it seems to me they have semi-regular meetups for people who are searching for jobs – try checking their web site and ABCNY’s; there might also be good networking events you could attend.

   4. As someone who is often on the other side of the desk, I suggest that you ask if by any chance you’re coming off as diffident. Enthusiasm, if it’s genuine, is very attractive. Thoughtful questions by you about the work are a good way to show that you’re really interested. Good luck!

   5. Perhaps ask your career services office (or your office of alumni affairs) if they know someone who is an alumni who works at an employer like your target employer who would be willing to do a mock interview with you.

      Or, in the alternative, check with your undergrad’s alumni office (they sometimes have lists of local alumni) and see if they have someone they’d suggest.

      You say you’ve had paid internships since graduation, maybe someone at one of your internships would do this for you (a brutally honest interview, that is).

      But, I also think its really hard out there, so it may not be you. I don’t know about NY, but in our city bar association there is a “Young Lawyers” group where I’m sure you’d meet a variety of people, some still looking for jobs and some who had found jobs, for both the bitching and the inspiring.

      I also think its just really hard out there now. Try to keep the faith!

6. Rant: our firm recently announced the results of this year’s partnership elections, and only 10% of those to become partners are women (one of whom is actually a lateral hire, and not a promotion within the firm). So much for career prospects here! *sigh*

   1. What was the gender breakdown of the associate class(es) being considered? Was it already close to 90/10? Or was it 50/50 and hardly any women made it?

   2. E: dunno the official statistics, but it seems to be around 50/50, and probably even more female than male first-years.

      1. I think it might be useful to look at midlevel and senior associate gender breakdowns, too. Anecdotally, few of my female law school friends were looking to make partner, or even to stay in biglaw (that’s what my friends went into; your firm/school may be different), beyond the time it took to pay back their loans. Meanwhile, my male friends figured they would stay on the money bronco until it bucked them. I am heading to biglaw after a brief detour, but I am heading in wary: I don’t know that it’s the right fit for me, and I am thinking of it as a path I will reevaluate after I give it two good years. There are probably gender biases within the firm, but there may also be factors that are more nuanced, meaning that, in fact, you still have “career prospects” at your firm.

      2. The number of female to male first years is irrelevant. The ratio that matters is the ratio in the class(es) being considered for partner–which unless your firm is VERY unique, does not include first years. At most firms with which I’m familiar, the lower classes are even but by the time you get to 8th or 9th year associates, most of the women have left–so a 90% male partner class may be completely representative of who was under consideration. Waiting to look at the percentage of women making partner is looking at the problem too late in the game, I think. We need to question and find out why women begin to thin out in the midlevel ranks.

7. (apologies if this posts twice; I thought it posted, but it doesn’t seem to be showing up)

   regular poster, but anon for this since I’m about to insult my law school’s career services office…

   Does anyone have any tips for how to get feedback/criticism/suggestions for interviewing? I’m a 2010 law school grad that’s basically unemployed (I don’t actually have any gaps in my resume because I’ve had some paid internships, but they’re not real jobs), and while I’ve gotten a handful of interviews, I can’t seem to get a job/make it to second round interviews. I’m not sure how much of it is bad interviewing skills and how much is it’s just really competitive right now, but I suspect it’s my interviewing, and I need to improve. My law school’s career services does mock interviews, but their feedback was basically non-existent (they gave a little bit, but largely it was “yea, it seems fine. I don’t know why you don’t have a job”–this is feeding into my frustration with my law school’s career services in general.) All of my friends here are around my age and none of us really have experience interviewing people, so they haven’t really been able to offer suggestions because none of us have a ton of insight into this mysterious hiring process.

   And another question related to job searching… anyone know of any groups (online or in real life in nyc) for unemployed young law grads? I’m getting increasingly frustrated and worried about my job search, especially since the class of 2011 will be graduating soon. I worry that I’ll be passed over in favor of those grads, and I feel like I need some sort of support group or just place to bitch and hear other people’s success stories to make me feel like it’s actually possible to get a job right now. I feel like if I would be a great employee if I could just get a job, but no one seems to want to give me a chance, and I’m concerned this is going to permanently stunt my career if this whole unemployed thing drags on much longer (I feel like for law hiring, it’s so class dependent that I really am going to start getting passed over for class of 2011 grads.)

   1. oops, it did post. Sorry about that!

      Which reminds me–Kat, is there any way we can improve the comments function to have edit/delete buttons?

      1. Seems like it would be nearly impossible unless she were to move to a username login system.

8. In a couple weeks, I am going to a dinner hosted by an attorney group akin to a section of the ABA with a panel of speakers about our area of law. I just joined the attorney group and have never been to one of their events. My firm agreed to buy me a seat so that I could go observe one of the speakers on the panel, who may become involved in a case we are working on (arbitrator/mediator/judge/expert witness/consultant, along those lines). I think I am the only person from my firm attending this rather large event, but there will be dozens of people there.

   The event starts with a cocktail hour, followed by an open seating dinner at tables of 10, and then the panel speakers. I am nervous about going alone, especially to the cocktail hour where I am afraid I will feel like a wallflower at a party who knows no one. I’m not a good networker, obviously, but I’d like to do better. Does anyone have any tips, tricks, or stories they can share?

   And as for the panel – is it weird to take notes when the panelists speak, or should I listen as carefully as I can during the panel, then madly write down what I remember when I get back to my car?

   1. First, it is not weird to take notes when panelists speak – I do it all the time. In fact, if you can formulate a good question during the presentation, then afterwards walk up to meet the panelist. Introduce yourself (shake his/her hand), say you enjoyed the presentation, then ask your carefully crafted question that you WROTE DOWN during the talk.

      As for the cocktail hour, the best advice I’ve received is to pretend (to yourself) that you’re an extremely outgoing person and just walk up and introduce yourself to other folks standing alone or small groups of 2 or 3. You can make small talk about the conference, a presentation, or something you might know about their firm/company/line of business. A good ice breaker these days is “what challenges have you noticed since the downturn?” It gives folks an invitation to talk about how tough things have been (or boast about how well they are doing). Chat for a few minutes, then excuse yourself early by saying something like “it was a pleasure to meet you, enjoy the rest of the conference” and smilingly walk away. At conferences I always fondly remember the folks that I wished I could have talked to longer, and I sudder to remember those that monopolize my time.

      I’m headed to a conference in 2 weeks. Perhaps we’re going to the same one?? Hope to see you working the room like a pro!

      1. Agree with all of this except using the downturn as an icebreaker. That seems…oddly personal to me. I’d stick with asking about their participation in the meeting, if they’ve belonged to the group for a long time, etc–more neutral subjects for a first conversation.

         1. I agree with Jay because that can seem like a downer. I would want to keep things positive.

   2. Go up to someone who is standing alone and try to make them feel at ease, rather than worrying about yourself – ask about their participation in the group, their work, etc. Don’t feel like you have to be with that person the whole evening; after a while you can say it was nice to talk to them, and you look forward to seeing them again at another event. When you go to sit down, don’t hang back too long. Just go up to someone with an empty seat next to them and ask if the seat is taken. I think it’s fine to take notes, but try to make them notes rather than dictation.

   3. Another trick I like is, if there are those little cocktail tables with one person or a small group around it, you can go up to that with kind of the “oh, its so hard to hold a plate and drink” kind of conversation starter.

      And don’t be afraid to just introduce yourself! You probably won’t be the only person there alone or there might be another associate who’s only there with a partner they don’t know really well, that sort of thing.

      I say notes are okay, but look around and see what others are doing. If literally no one else is taking notes maybe try to be discreet.

   4. Is it awful that I always show up late to the cocktail hour just so that I won’t have to network? It’s so awkward.

   5. I tend to be very shy, too, so I know exactly how you feel. That said, I’ve found that these sorts of circumstances are actually easier for me than those where I just sorta know some people, or those where I know only one or two people. My thinking is, if they’re all strangers, then they haven’t had a chance to have an opinion about me, and more than likely I won’t ever see them again anyway.

      So yes, just literallly stick your hand out and say “Hi, I’m X.” It also helps (to me) to come up with a list of questions that you can ask anyone (what are your practice areas, have you been to one of these before, what firm do you work with, etc.). Remind yourself that people really like talking about themselves, so if you ask them questions, they’ll usually come away thinking nice things about you.

      Where it gets hard for me is when I know the people too well to ask those questions, but not well enough to have a rapport with them!

   6. One thing I’d like to add to everyone’s great suggestions is not to take it personally if someone seems to rebuff you. Some of my best networking events began disastrously when someone rejected my friendly overture. I had to mentally pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again with someone new. Everyone after that is usually much more receptive, proving that it wasn’t me to begin with–the other person just didn’t understand networking, was preoccupied with something, or was shy.

   7. I think it can be helpful to practice gracious ways to exit a conversation. This is something I wish I was better at doing. You can usually tell if a conversation is going to go somewhere or not, and if it’s not going somewhere, it can be draining to try and uphold your end of the conversation. Better to exit gracefully and move on.

      Another thing that I do is to take a “reset” if I need one. I find this especially helpful if there’s someone I know I want to talk to but am nervous about going up and introducing myself. I’ll make a quick stop by the restroom, take a minute to think about what I want to say, and go back out ready to say it. If you’re feeling awkward or uncomfortable, taking a minute to yourself can be really helpful.

9. Does anyone know of an online support group for parents of young children with panic disorder. I’m trying to help a friend get some support. Google is not helping much and I’m not a parent so I’m not familiar with the “mom” boards. Thanks!

   1. I don’t know of any support groups, but my husband has a panic disorder and is now happy, healthy and over-achieving after finding a good therapist and the right medication (after several very, very scary episodes). Good luck, and bless you for helping your friend out – it can be a scary and frustrating experience.

   2. No experience with young children, but just wanted to echo that this condition is very manageable. I went through CBT and did a round of medication. The key is understanding your triggers, recognizing when an attack is coming on, and finding strategies to ride it out. The past three years have been a breeze once I found out what was actually going on with my body.

   3. Unclear whether it is the parent or the children with the panic disorder. Is it the parents that have the panic disorder or the children? I might have a helpful response if it is the parent . . . but not if the children.

   4. Elementary school child with panic disorder.

      1. To clarify – the mom is looking to connect w/ other parents of young children who have panic disorder. It is difficult for her to know when she is doing the right thing by allowing the child to “escape” situations (such as school) or when she should have her “tough it out.” She is working with therapists and a pediatrician and following all docs advice but really needs help on just the day to day parenting. The child is too young to know what fears are normal and what fears are caused by panic disorder and are “irrational.” Instead she finds some very normal situations terrifying and traumatizing. Mom has to walk a fine line of exposing her to the world so she doesn’t grow up a hermit and not making her disorder worse by pushing her beyond her limits.

         1. She might want t contact her local children’s hospital. They frequently either have support groups or know of support groups in the areas for a variety of issues.

            Also, I’m not sure, but there are usually kind of national fundraising groups for these types of things who may be able to point her in the right direction.

10. Hi –

    Some people in a previous thread talked about USAA for banking/financial services and I just want to give everyone a heads up on a horrible experience I had with them refinancing my house – a horrible experience that I believe occurred in part because I am a young, single, well-educated woman who is assertive in managing my finances.

    Long story short, I began my refinance four months ago. It should have been easy (my original loan was held by USAA and I use them for my home insurance too) but it has become a huge ordeal. I won’t go into the specifics but they messed up both my settlement and the funding of my escrow in ways that could have potentially cost me thousands of dollars if I hadn’t been vigilant and demanded they be fixed. As it was, they improperly withdrew a mortgage payment from my account after the original mortgage had been paid in full and then took weeks and many, many phone calls from me to return the dollars. In short, I have spent literally hundreds of hours of my time dealing with this matter.

    What is infuriating is how belligerently they have treated me. I had several people who repeatedly called me Mrs. X even though I said I was not married and wished to be called Ms. I had some reps ask me if my husband was there to explain this issue to me since I was clearly unable to understand this financial transaction (I was always in the right.) I just hung up with a company director (I am still having issues with my escrow not being funded properly) who just told me “I refuse to be bullied by someone like you” when I was just being politely insistent that he complete the promised action within the period of time he previously stated.

    I am going to file complaints with the Attorneys General of my home state and the states in which the bank and the company that services its loans are incorporated but I thought that I would give everyone a heads up here too. I have never posted a public complaint like this before, but hopefully I am saving some single woman homeowner a similar headache!

    1. Sounds horrible. I have no experience but just wanted to say Hang in There!! Sounds like you are on the right track, staying calm and being persistent. You will prevail!

       1. Thanks! I appreciate the support. This issue has just been ridiculous. Just when I think I have it all sorted a new bank error comes to light!

    2. I am so sorry that that happened to you. I do not doubt your experience at all, but I do feel the need to say that I manage all of the money and major financials in my marriage, and over the many many phone calls that I have had to make to USAA over the years, I have never experienced such a thing. I have also never had a mortgage with them, but my experiences with their insurance, banking, advising and investment divisions have all been uniformly polite and professional.

    3. Reminds me of when Miranda was buying her home on SATC and she had to explain over and over that she wasn’t married. So sorry you’re having to deal with rude people.

    4. I’m sorry you are having such a problem. I use USAA for everything and have never had a problem with them before. In fact, they win all kinds of customer service awards. I just had an auto and homeowners claim with them and it went great. Good luck getting it worked out.

    5. If you want some horror stories about USAA, just go to the Mississippi Gulf Coast and talk to Katrina survivors!!

    6. I’m a USAA customer and it’s well-known that their mortgage business is separate from their insurance and financial business (I think it’s contracted out), and that their mortgage arm is HORRIBLE. In doing research for my mortgage, USAA was the first place I turned but the online reviews and comments steered me away. I use them for everything else though!

11. Seeking some advice on a work situation.

    My entire group at work (financial research) was just told we’re going to need to meaningfully expand our responsibilities (think: we’d all been following industries in the US and now we’ll need to follow all of Europe as well). So far there has been no suggestion that compensation will change at all. We are not picking up another group’s responsibilities that will now be gone – it’s more along the lines of a long-time client that has requested we do this in order to maintain their business. This will be a huge amount of additional work for everyone. Is there anything I should be doing at this stage?

    1. No. That’s your job. I feel on this board there’s often the complaint of “i got requested to do more work than I was doing, shouldn’t I get a raise?”

       It’s your job. Sometimes you have more work to do. It was requested by a client. It’s within your field. Suck it up and do it. I’m soo sick of the “wahhhhhh I have to work more” complaints.

       Grow up.

       1. Hmm. Thanks for your perspective. I will say that a number of my coworkers are already mumbling about seeking employment elsewhere if nothing is done, because really, this was not in the job description. And maybe that’s what I ought to do as well if I’d rather not work another XX hours per week or let the quality of my work slip. Just trying to think through options.

          I do hope that if you truly believe it’s reasonable to expect 50-100% more work from your employees going forward without throwing them any sort of bone, you re-evaluate your attitude if you are ever in the position of employing people and assigning work.

          1. I think fres’s response was catty and out of line, and I would sympathize with you (although I would still say to see how the work pans out before looking to move elsewhere). There are definitely times when the amount of work dumped on you is inappropriate.

             1. Agreed! It is a shame, but some women on this blog can be very ‘mean-girl.’

                Sunshine, I don’t blame you for being upset.

             2. Fres’s response was cranky, but I agree with her 100%.

          2. While that was harsher than necessary, there is a kernel of truth to the fact that jobs, and job responsibilities do expand without additional compensation. If what you are being asked to do is the same type of work, but just a broader spectrum, it is not unreasonable for your employer not to consider giving more compensation. It then becomes your obligation to determine if you can live with the increased productivity demands…..

             1. This. I think increased workload compared to what you signed up for is a fact of life more often than not. Of course you then have a choice in terms of hoe you deal with it. In your Case I see a change only if the entire group ‘walks’ , not for a few individuals moving out.

          3. I don’t really have advice about this situation, but thank you, Sunshine, for keeping it classy. It seems like we should be able to disagree without getting rude.

       2. Hey! Let’s be nice!!

          Sunshine–I think you should see how things go once the work gets started, but get your resume together and start thinking about other opportunities, just in case. If many of you feel the same, maybe that would carry some weight with your employer. Good luck, this is a tough situation!

    2. (And just to clarify the question a bit, by “anything I should be doing,” I’m not asking whether I should actually take on the additional work. There’s really no choice in the matter.)

    3. I don’t know if this is helpful, but it may provide some perspective. My husband and many of my friends work at a major R&D and manufacturing company. (I used to work there.) Since 1998, virtually everyone I knew has seen a signficant increase in their workload and expectations without any corresponding increase in pay. Raises come in two ways–a small percentage increase (1%-4%) if an employee receives a certain performance rating AND is not already in the top quartile of the scale or if the employee is promoted (which is a tough sell). So if someone receives the highest rating but is already in the top quartile, they could receive no raise at all or a 1% raise. The budget for all raises company-wide is 2.5% this year, which means lots of people are going to be getting less than 2.5%. I don’t think this is uncommon in Corporate America, or at least parts of Corporate America.

       For employees of such a company, it would be viewed unfavorably if they went to their boss and asked for more money because their workload has increased, particularly because the bosses’ workloads likely also have increased without a raise in pay. What they can do, however, is be sure to highlight the increased workload and their success in dealing with it when it comes to annual review time and when discussing a promotion.

       Without knowing more about where you work, it’s difficult to know what you should be doing, but I would at least recommend documenting your success at your old and new responsibilities for leverage at annual review time.

    4. Learn to work efficiently and expand your skill set…..

       1. Are you going to get more resources to perform all these additional functions? If the client wants this extra, presumably the client will be paying exta for it. Some of that money should be going towards more resources.

          Don’t be afraid to ask your boss for more resources. If you perform well without more resources, you will always be expected to perform miracles. You can only devote so many hours a day to the job. At some point something has to give.

          1. The client (~7% of our revenue) basically said – instead of the service you currently provide, we would like a related service that you don’t offer or we will go get it somewhere else. Unfortunately, the client will be paying exactly the same. So no, there actually won’t be additional money to go toward more resources for now. I think we’re taking this on in the hopes that we can offer this service to others once we’ve had the ability to generate a track record with this client, but that could be quite a ways off and may not materialize. The additional “resource” that I can think of that would be helpful would be more people, but there are no plans for that.

             I don’t want to make this too identifying, so here is an analogy. Say I’m a clothing designer and I’m called upon to design 50 tops per year and that’s all I do (and 12 other people in my group are also responsible for creating tops – until now we’d considered ourselves tops specialists). Those same 50 tops are then sold to multiple customers. One large customer comes in and says they’re no longer interested in any tops, but now want a full line of skirts and they’ll give the business to us because they’ve been so happy with our tops. So now I have to make 50 tops and, say, 40 skirts. Something along those lines. :-)

             I’m trying to frame it as a positive – that I’ll expand my skill set. But man, this is a really incredible amount of additional work and it’s really not what I thought I was getting myself into when I took this job 5 years ago. More tips are definitely appreciated! (Should I pretend this is all wonderful to my managers and seem like super-duper team player? Should I talk about how it’s a lot to take on but I’m excited about the opportunity? I have an annual review coming up soon and I’m trying to think about the right balance to strike between put-upon and enthused.)

             1. I think you should acknowledge that it a lot of additional work but put a positive spin on it. “Becoming familar with the skirt-designing process and producing 40 skirts on top of the 50 tops we already provide will be a challenge, but I view this as an opportunity to expand my skill set and help the company meet our client’s expectations.” If you have any suggestions as to how your company can meet this challenge while minimizing the load on its employees, share them in a positive manner. That will come across much better than “it’s so much additional work!”

                Look at it from this point of view–what is your company supposed to do? Client requested 40 skirts and isn’t going to pay for them. Company needs to provide the skirts or risk losing 7% of revenue. The only way to provide the skirts is put more work on its employees. In the long term, this may pay off for Company (and you) but in the short term it’s going to be difficult. If the short term becomes long term or you find less-demanding position, you should take your new skirt-designing skills and move on.

12. Ladies, I am on the cusp of graduating and could use some job hunting/career path advice. (Seems like that’s the theme of this thread.)

    I would like to work in the nonprofit world in a specific position, a job which I’ve spent the past year interning for (and receiving rave reviews from my superiors). Most of the organizations with open positions right now are requesting 1-3 years of experience, and I’m obviously at the bottom end of that range (although my internship *was* incredibly hands-on, rather than just filing for the higher-ups). I’ve applied for several of these and intend to keep doing so, but I’m afraid I’ll be stuck in that vicious cycle of: not enough experience -> can’t get hired; no job -> can’t get more experience.

    I’ve been wondering whether it makes sense to start applying for positions outside of my area of interest, i.e. general office management jobs that I have the skills for. I really, really, want to work in my particular field, but I also need to pay the rent. I’m hesitant to do this because if I find a job that isn’t in the field, I’ll be paying the bills but not moving farther along my career path. Would future employers look askance at a resume that “took time off” from the industry? Am I overthinking this?

    Also, a close relative who lives in SF offered to pay for a ticket to visit him when I graduate (I live in a cold, cold city), and I’m dying to go. But I’m worried that I can’t afford to take that vacation time, when I don’t have any solid job prospects for afterward. Is it worth it? I have no idea what’s coming, and am trying not to panic. (Also, I completely empathize with the ladies above frustrated with their school’s career services …)

    1. Can’t help much with the rest of it but go to SF! Of course go! Putting your life on hold because you think it’s going to make a different in your career in 10 years? No way to live IMO.

    2. If you aren’t graduating until late May, you still have some time to look for a substantive job. Even in the months after, you might find it better to pay the rent by tutoring/babysitting/bartending/whatever than by doing something substantive and secretaryish that will have to go on your resume. When I graduated from law school without a real job (although I was receiving a small stipend from my school to do legal work for a few months), I made my real money by babysitting and tutoring, but my resume also reflects that I did substantive legal work. I thought about taking a job as a paralegal/secretary, but I decided not to, even though the pay was decent, because I didn’t see it helping me in the long run. Your situation may be different from mine, of course, and this isn’t to condemn people who would have made a different choice (or did make a different choice). But I recently found a legal job that, while not what I would do in an ideal world, seems like it will help me progress down my career path.

       Also, I didn’t go on a bar trip because I was afraid of wasting money, and also because I thought I needed to be applying for jobs 24-7. In retrospect, I was right about the former, but wrong about the latter. If the trip won’t cost you much/anything, go take it, and then buckle down and start applying again.

13. For the poster from earlier this week who was thinking about varicose vein treatment: I’ve been considering undergoing a similar procedure, and I’ve heard good things about Dr. Bob Min at Cornell. Has anyone else been to him (or anyone else)?

14. Just a note to thank everyone who helped me decide what to wear to a major presentation and PR event yesterday – it went very smoothly, and we got some great press for our project. As it turned out, I didn’t end up on camera at all (the spotlight goes to the big boss, as it should), but looking good helped me feel confident anyway. :-) So thanks, Corporettes!

15. Thread-jack, semi-new commenter, but I’ve seen such good advice!

    I’m in marketing, in charge of a major website overhaul for the company. Part of this includes getting bios written and submitted for the sales team. Since I’ve been here, the sales team has quite often ignored my requests for information or suggestions to improve things. With this in mind, I created a few questions for them to answer for their bio, and then a sample that showed how I would use their answers to the questions. I got basically no response or one word answers until their boss finally told them to send me stuff… again, basically all one-word answers. So, I put together the bios and sent them out as a courtesy to the team. Within an hour, I had criticism from several members, saying they wanted this or that changed. One person wrote a paragraph with non-meaningful tweaks, and said, “Your thoughts?” Then, I got an email from them saying, “I shouldn’t have asked for your thoughts, as this is what I want my bio to say.”
    I feel pretty offended by this response, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive. It really annoys me that they pretty much ignore me any other time I ask for input or offer suggestions, but then they feel they have the right to bash my writing after they only provided one-word answers! Should I be offended or just let it go?

    1. Let it go. They’re busy, it’s not top priority for them, but they want it done their way anyway. You did the right thing to put together a draft and let them react to it – you can’t expect that they will take what you said word for word, but your draft got them to react, which is what you wanted. You should not be offended at all, in my view.

       1. Agreed. Being emotionally detached from your writing is so important.

          1. See, sometimes all you need is for someone to tell you to get over it. Thanks for the kick in the pants!

    2. Disagree insofar as the second email going “I shouldn’t have asked for your thoughts” was kind of weird and rude. Why not just wait for you to reply to it? Seriously, what is the purpose of that second email? It’s not like you replied saying no way no how can he have his tweaks. But I suspect that the sender is just akward so while IMO you have reason to be miffed I’d let it go. And unless their new preferences create a lot more work for you I would just put in their versions if they are decent. I do think there’s an argument for “you had your chance to contribute, you had three chances, you didn’t, therefore it’s going to be Y, no changes.” but no reason to take a stand on principal if you can make everyone happy without too much hassle. But if you have the chance in a review of some sort later to sum up the project – saying the lack of cooperation was problematic would be very reasonable of you.

       1. I’ve talked about the lack of cooperation on several occasions, and my bosses understand that I have responsibility but no power. They’ve been pretty good about stepping in if I’m blocked on a project, but I will definitely keep this in mind for future reviews.

          1. Let it go. They are sales. As long as they’re selling, it doesn’t matter if they’re rude or uncooperative. I wouldn’t bother mentioning it, because in the long run, they bring in $$$ and you are seen as an expense. You might want to say something light about “herding cats,” but complaining will just make you look like you don’t know where you stand in relation to sales.

             Next time, ask HR for copies of their resumes and maybe look them up on LinkedIn. Then fluff up their bios to make them sound as brilliant and professional as you can. They’ll appreciate it, and maybe, just maybe they’ll be a little more cooperative when you need something important.

             Don’t be offended – be amused. Just find a way to work around them.

             (I’ve been in your shoes more times than I can count.)

       2. I agree that the second email was rude. I don’t think it’s worth responding to, but please don’t let that person’s rudeness get you down. That sentiment could–and should–have been expressed much more artfully.

    3. No, I wouldn’t be offended unless the criticism was beyond just suggestions / expanding on what they’d said earlier. If they said something like, “no, that doesn’t capture what I did. Here is how you should describe it,” well yeah, it would have been nice if they’d said that earlier, but at least they’re telling you now. And honestly, you may think you sent the bios out “as a courtesy” but I’d probably think of it as more of a requirement. My bio gets updated annually and before it’s used anywhere, I always get to do a final review, and I’d find it very odd if this were not the policy somewhere.

    4. I think the real answer to your question lies in what are the consequences of choosing to be offended. It is what it is. You’ve learned something important about the people on the sales team: namely, that many people will not do any meaningful writing on their own, but have plenty of energy to criticize and tweak someone else’s writing. Is that fair? No.

       Maybe it will help to keep in mind that no one is going to be more nitpicky about a biography than the subject. Hopefully this bio writing task is almost over for you?

       If your job is going to involve writing a lot of copy, criticism is probably something you need to get used to. Roll your eyes behind closed doors, complain a bit over drinks with a friend, and then let it go. I seriously doubt you’ll change these folks and only make yourself miserable by dwelling on it.

       If it’s any consolation, I also work in an indirect support activity. It seems we never get much credit for the work we do in keeping the whole operation running smoothly. Our chosen path won’t be satisfying for those who want to be in the limelight.

       1. Yep, the bio writing task is coming to a close next week :) I’m actually ok with criticism from people who are involved and cooperative. The offense/annoyance comes more on the principal that I am ignored when I ask for feedback or information and THEN criticized. You are correct that I won’t change them, and also correct that letting it go is my best bet in the long run!

          1. I think the issue is that you’re viewing it as criticism. You gave them drafts, and they edited. That’s what they’re SUPPOSED to do. I write for a living, but when I had to do a bio for something I had a terrible time of it. I really wished that someone had given me the option of writing it for me and letting me edit. I think a lot of people feel that way: it’s easier to edit something (especially something about you) than to write it from scratch.

             In the end, they did what they were supposed to do, which is approve bios for the website. You did your job, and they did theirs, so there’s no reason for you to be offended. (If, in their comments, they called you stupid or something, that would obviously be different.)

    5. It is always easier to pick apart something already written than to write something from scratch. I expect my marketing person to bring me copy that I then essentially rewrite–but I’m not starting from the blank page and it saves me time. (And I am a writer by education and experience.)

       Almost every salesperson I have ever worked with has been (1) a terrible writer, some unable to compose a readable sentence, (2) self-absorbed and therefore sensitive about what their bio says, and (3) dismissive and unresponsive to communications that don’t directly result in dollars in their pockets. As a result, yours ignored a task that is difficult for them until they saw the bios you wrote, which they could EDIT, because of course they knew the details. What that “your thoughts” person meant was “I don’t want to go back and forth with this 50 times.”

       I bet some of them were a bit offended by the bios you wrote (how could she not include my Jaycees Man of the Year honor from 1987?!) Save your own hurt feelings for something personal. If you got usable bios, consider it a job well done.

    6. I second everyone who says not to take it personally. On a more positive note, you’ve just found a method of getting work done that doesn’t require nagging! When you’re dealing with busy, self-important people, it’s often good to give them a starting point that they can work from, instead of asking them to start from a blank page.

       It’s also good to developm an “e-mail callous” – lots of business people don’t realize (or don’t care) that they have a curt/dismissive e-mail writing tone. It’s one reason I’ve started calling business clients instead of sending e-mails, even though I HATE talking on the phone.

16. I need advice as an intern. I’m an unpaid intern currently in school. I’m on the quarter system and exams are rapidly approaching (eek!). Although my internship is important to me, my schoolwork is my priority. Can I talk to my boss about modifying my schedule for the coming weeks? I’m worried he won’t be especially understanding. I’m nervous about my ability to do both a good job at my internship and do well on my finals. If I was your intern, how would you like to be approached on this subject? Or should I just forget it? Part of me feels like it would be frowned upon to talk to him and it would reflect poorly on my ability to be responsible.

    1. You should definitely approach him, especially if he knows you’re in school. All of my bosses in internships or paid positions have always been very understanding during exam weeks. Just explain that you want to make sure you do your best in both endeavors, and that you will be most able to give your best by modifying your schedule. I think it’s fine to schedule a meeting and lay out how you want to modify your hours, and how long you need to keep the modified schedule. Especially since you are unpaid, you should have more leniency for this investment in your future.

       1. I attempted to bring it up casually and he responded with something about how he “thought we had agreed I would be working x amt of hours”. Uh oh. I’m not really sure how I can respond to that. I realize I probably should have brought this up when I began but it’s too late now.

          1. Just go back to him and say, “Remember when I brought up my working hours last week? Well, I evaluated my workload and I realized that I need to reduce my hours by X amount for these few weeks. Things really get kind of hectic around this time. Thanks so much for understanding.” School is your priority. Just be nice and don’t sound unsure of what you’re saying.

             1. Just be prepared that if you do this and you’re actually valuable to the group or have been doing a stellar job to this point (and also if they turned down other applicants in favor of you), they may really be counting on your to do a certain amount of work. This could therefore be viewed quite negatively, rightly or wrongly. So you need to honestly evaluate if you’re more learning and doing very low priority tasks or doing higher priority tasks, and also whether you’d wanted the internship to turn into a paid fulltime position after graduation. If yes, you might wish to suck it up and pull those all nighters, unfortunately.

       2. Agree with this–but definitely make sure you keep whatever modified schedule you’ve agreed on. Having interns in the past, while sure, I understand they have exams, nothing more annoying than thinking “OK, Intern will be here for two hours this afternoon, so I can get that big mailing done” and then they don’t show up or just call and say they can’t come. And depending on how long the internship runs, make sure it’s not EVERY exam that makes you change hours! If you’ve got several classes, that can be a test every week or two, so make sure it’s just a rare, this-is-only-for-finals kind of thing.

          1. Honestly, I kind of feel like I have bit off more than I can chew with this internship, but there’s nothing I can do but try to see it through to the end, even if it means a few more all-nighters.

             1. I would suggest being upfront about the demands on your schedule. Let your boss know that you appreciate his position and want to uphold your part of the bargain. Seeing if he would let you compensate for your hours to be reduced during exams by increasing your hours right now or right after exams are finished (if this is an option for you). If there really is a lot of work that you have been assigned to do, you could even volunteer to come in on a weekend. This seems the most fair/responsible thing to do if your boss is truly concerned about the work load. I’d try to read between the lines to see if it’s really about the work that has to get done or if it’s just a power play… I’d be more forceful in my demands if I thought he was just jerking my chain. At the end of the day, your grades probably matter more than this internship (unless this is in your chosen field and you had hopes to work here later). Good luck!

             2. Honestly, unless there are tons of incredibly pressing deadlines, he should recognize that an hour of work when you are sleep deprived and stressed is not equivalent to an hour when you are better-rested and through with exams. Agree that you should try to figure out if he needs you to complete projects vs. is jerking your chain.

                If it were me, I would say something along the lines of “I know we agreed upon X hours per week, but if at all possible, I’d like to make cut back on hours for X time frame and make them up on either end.” Depending on your workload (whether it is day-to-day tasks or longer projects) you might come prepared w/ any upcoming deadlines as well. That way, it demonstrates that you have thought about the impact it would have on them and shows that you are trying to minimize the impact. Good luck!

    2. Definitely ask. I always cut back on my unpaid internships when exams approached. I think it would be the odd boss that wouldn’t be understanding–you’re free labor, and bosses have been students in the past. I suspect he’ll understand.

    3. What I used to do with my internship, that was standard practice at that office, was that I would cut down on my hours in exam weeks, but then make up for them in the weeks straight after my exams. Ie. I usually would work two days a week (my contract said about 10 hours a week, but it usually ended up being 12-15 hours), and I would cut that down to one day when exams were looming. But after the exam period was over, I had more spare time bc classes weren’t starting straight away, so I could work four-five days the following week to make up for the days I’d missed during exam weeks.

       If you can do it, and there is no big projects in those weeks that rely on time, I would ask if you could pick up those hours either a while before or after the exams.

       1. I have an intern and she made it clear in the interview that her school work was priority. I see a future for this intern here and respected that priority – as should your boss. You aren’t going to be any good to him in the long run if you don’t do well in school…Just my 2 cents. :)

    4. All of our interns take time off to study for finals. Some add extra hours when they’re done with finals. Maybe that’s an option?

    5. Do what you have to do, but just keep in mind that you’re not keeping your end of the agreement with your boss. It’s definitely something that could affect your potential recommendation. Also, asking to cut back your schedule for one week is one thing (which I would expect as an employer supportive of education), but “weeks” adds up to a big chunk of your internship.

17. I just lost a huge post but it may be a blessing in disguise b/c I think I was giving out way too much info. Here I go again:

    Following “shaken anon’s” post -I’d like advice from the position of the truly innocent other woman.

    My best friend is a guy. We have been friends since we were 10. We are both married and live far apart. My husband is totally cool w/ my guy friends. I can be a little flirty but it is nothing I wouldn’t do in front of him.

    My best friend’s wife is totally jealous of everything he does. He is basically not allowed to be alone with another female ever, period. She puts limits on how long he can speak to me on the phone. She has made it clear to me she has no intention of “sharing” him, whatever that means.

    He has scaled our friendship WAY back. We talk maybe 4 times a year on the phone, email about monthly. My husband thinks I shouldn’t tolerate him hurting me just because he has a crazy wife. Husband thinks I should tell him either you get it through her head that we are friends and we continue being friends or we just go our seperate ways with our lives. He doesn’t think I should have to feel guilty for talking to him longer than his “allowed” time. Husband doesn’t think it is fair that when I need best friend he may or may not be there, and often isn’t there, but I am always there when best friend needs me.

    I think I should just continue being there for best friend and being his friend when he is available to be mine as sad as that is. He even told me “well we are allowed to talk, just not often, and just about regular stuff, not about relationships and feelings.” What? So I can’t say I’m depressed at work or something?

    Anyway, I don’t know if there is any hope of me ever winning best friend’s wife over. They are planning on having kids and I don’t want their relationship to fall apart someday because he wakes up and realizes he shouldn’t have to deal with her psycho-ness. I feel guilty that I bring out the psycho-ness by just existing.

    Any tips on how to deal with being the always suspected but always innocent other woman?

    1. He’s made his choice, sorry it’s not you. Send the odd email once in a while, maybe, but it’s over for now until he changes his mind.

    2. This is almost certainly not what you would like to hear and is not particularly fair to you but IMO unless you can figure out how to totally change your feelings towards and attitude towards his wife you need to ‘break up’ with your friend. He is married to her, has a life with her and has apparently ‘choosen’ the relationship with her over you by agreeing to the guide lines etc. You think she’s crazy and unreasonable. That’s going to make it hard for your relationship to be healthy and non damaging.

       If I had an incling that my husband’s best friend thought that I was pshyco I would not be okay with that, male or female.

       If a friendship of mine was causing anguish to my husband, I would take whatever steps necessary. It is not okay for anything to be causing anguish to my husband and it is not okay for any friend of mine let alone my best friend to be indifferent to my husband’s strong preferences or feelings. She’s his life partner. He can’t keep a close properly reciprocal friendship that she hates and keep a healthy relationship with her. It isn’t possible. Very sad for you and I’m sorry.

       1. I agree. It’s really not possible to be really close friends with a person and at the same time, not care about and respect their life partner. He’s married to her, and (unless she’s, say, abusive), that’s his first priority. This is really sort of a friendship (at least, in the sense of a very close friendship) that you guys have pretty much outgrown. I know that’s not great to hear, but I expect that it is what it is.

          As an aside, I always think it’s a major problem when people start discussing problems in their marriage and complaints about their spouse with oppsite sex friends. Even when it doesn’t lead to anything, it simply brings up emotional issues that aren’t healthy. If he’s got a problem with his wife (and I’m really not clear whether he does or you do), he needs to talk to you, or maybe air it out with a male friend. It’s not a good role for a female friend.

          1. I agree that his main priority should be his wife. Even if you feel slighted, I think everyone would want their husband to care about how they feel and act accordingly. I don’t know if it would be possible, but have you tried reaching out to his wife? Maybe if you spoke with her and formed a friendship she would feel less threatened. Also, as I said in another post, you don’t know what else he is doing to possibly make her feel like this. You don’t know everything that is going on in the relationship and maybe there are other problems.

    3. I know. He is trying to have both and I worry it is going to cause major marital problems for him if she feels that strongly against his friendship with other women.

       I agree with his “choice” in the sense that he should definitely choose his wife over me. I would choose my husband over him. But my husband would never put me in that situation and make me make that choice. I hate that he is in this situation to begin with.

       I guess I don’t know if I am being a better friend by “breaking up with him” for the sake of his marriage, or if that would cause more problems – like if he went to her and said “do you see what you did” etc.

       He hasn’t been entirely honest with me either. He just claims he is busy and that is why he hasn’t called. Our mutual guy friends have told me about the “restrictions.” They apply to all women, not just me – but I’m sure she particularly hates me because of our close friendship.

       Just to be clear, I did not hate this woman from the gate. I tried to be her friend. She just wasn’t even open to getting to me and from the get go started ruling his life. That is why I have a negative impression of her. I don’t think what she has done is healthy for any relationship and I don’t think it is fair to him.

       Thanks for the advice and brutal honesty.

       1. I don’t think you’d be

          “breaking up with him” for the sake of his marriage

          and I would urge you not to phrase it like that, especially to him. You would be breaking up with him because he isn’t able to be a good friend to you because of choices he’s made. IMO this doesn’t call for any dramatic conversation at all. Just don’t call or email more than 1x a year. Simple. When he does be nice but not intimate. It’s mostly a mental excercise where you no longer think of that person as a friend but as a friend you used to have. :(

       2. I agree that it’s really hard to give advice without knowing the full story. I’ve been in your situation and have a close friend who was in the wife’s situation.

          My friend’s husband developed a very close friendship with a happily married female coworker. They were able to talk about anything and everything, while my friend couldn’t make any headway having any real conversations with her husband. Try as she might, he’d usually react to her by giving her the silent treatment from an hour to up to a week at a time. Her jealousy stemmed from the fact that nothing she did could get her husband to open up, but this coworker seemed to be able to talk to him with ease. She became a bit paranoid and obsessed by it and I tried my best to reason with her.

          I’ve been the other woman who guys can talk to with ease. I know I have no intention of breaking up any relationships, but sometimes it’s hard for the wife to understand that. I rarely break off friendships, but usually I’ll let the guy take the lead. If he wants to call or email, fine, but I am not going to go out of my way. I have one friend who had a girlfriend who hated his whole group of friends, and for a while we just ended up not seeing him that much. She eventually matured and when I saw her a few years later she was actually quite nice- that’s something that may happen as well.

       3. I’ve been there, with a male best friend from college (not age 10, which probably makes it even more painful). Sorry to say that the story ends with increasing distance between you and your male friend. A lot of guys just aren’t good at being friends with women after they are married.

          College Friend and I had the same majors, moved to the same city after graduation, and engaged in the same time-consuming and travel-intensive sport. Though we spent tons to time together, and had a standing Thurs. night date, we were never romantically involved or interested in each other.

          Then he met Wife. She took an instant dislike to me (berating the month I was born in, on our first meeting), and slowly restricted the time College Friend and I could spend together on our sport. I was somewhat amazed to be invited to their wedding. When I reciprocated, and invited them, plus their two kids to our wedding, they were the VERY LAST family to rsvp (even though they are in town), requiring multiple calls and emails to get a response, and didn’t bring a gift or card. Wife made some very strange remarks at the reception. I took this constellation of events as a sign that they were no longer interested in my friendship. Sad, but some friendships just have a limited lifespan.

          1. Geez! She sounds horrid! And no gift?!? *Sympathy*

       4. Regular commenter here but going anon because this topic is kind of personal. Instead of direct advice, which is hard because I don’t know the character of the people involved, I felt moved to share my experience.
          I just wanted to give a perspective from having been the wife who appears to have “rules” about her husband’s friendships. My husband has always had several platonic female friends. I was fine with this, and he was fine with my male friends – until…
          A few years back we both had some high stress due to personal/family tragedies. Things became difficult between us, and he pursued what had been a platonic female friendship, which soon became very flirty to the extent of sexual comments, gifts, emails talking about planning to meet up secretly.
          I found out, and in my view, this was cheating. It came very close to ending our marriage.
          Most people in our circle have no idea this happened. I asked him to keep it private because I was so hurt, would have been ashamed to think that people were gossiping about it, and didn’t want everyone second-guessing my decision to stay with him.
          Part of our attempt to work through this is that in addition to never contacting that particular woman again, he also no longer has close female friends. He avoids being alone with women (single or married), and I have full access to his communications with female friends if I want it. I’m certain (and it has been hinted to me by mutual female friends) that from the perspective of his female friends I’m “psycho” and that I’m imposing these behaviors on him. But really? They just don’t know what goes on inside someone elses marriage. This isn’t me being a control freak, it’s two of us sitting down and deciding to make some painful decisions for the preservation of our marriage.
          It probably really works for some married men to have female friends, but I wouldn’t completely write someone off for having a more traditional attitude. Some of these traditions were created to preserve marriages, and although my husband and I are very modern people in other respects, we have turned to more traditional friendships as part of placing our marriage as our highest relationship priority.

          1. I’ve been in a similar situation…it sucks being perceived as the bad guy but the marriage is more important. (hugs) for toughing it out.

          2. there are others in this position. check out the early entries of tales of a disordered eater, for example. and i second the suggestion for CBT…this IS something that you can overcome.

             1. ummm…this clearly goes to the comment below. system seems buggy this weekend!

    4. People make their choices.
       It’s hard to give advice here without knowing more. But if the situation is as you describe, I have to tell you I feel bad for your friend and his relationship. Very little lasts without trust. And women who do not “allow” their husbands to have other women friends always make me sad. But there is not much you can do if the wife “has made it clear to you she won’t share.” I assume that means you have already had some sort of conversation about this. In that case, you have to respect your friend’s choice for this controlling woman, and try to find a new best friend. At least, it sounds like you have a great husband.

       1. I feel the same as AIMS. And as someone whose best friends are for the most part male (not sure why, that’s just the way it’s been for a long time), I can really empathize with you. The exact same thing has happened to me with not one, but two of my friends. With one of them, it seemed to get better after he and his wife had a baby – she seemed to get more comfortable with him having other female friends all of a sudden. But with the other one (whom I’ve known since I was 18), his wife absolutely hates me for no legitimate reason that I can really figure out.

          It’s really tough when you need your friend and he cannot be there for you. It hurts. I don’t think it would necessarily help to give up the friendship altogether – you obviously have a long history and are important to each other. But try to make it work within the boundaries. If his relationship with his wife is as dysfunctional as it sounds, he probably needs as many good friends in his life as possible. However, you may just have to cultivate some other close friendships so you don’t rely on your best friend as much as you have been used to doing.

          Hugs, I’ve been there.

    5. Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, but still essentially agreeing with what others say: I was somewhat in the position of your friend at one point. I had a long-term best guy friend. (The relationship started out as romantic, but then turned into friendship out of the necessity of long-distance.) The friendship was very valuable to me for a long and important period of my life — we emailed and spoke on the phone regularly, and flew to see each other 1-2x per year.

       When I first started dating my husband, I retained my friendship with this guy for a while, but my husband (then boyfriend) was very jealous. As in, it was a huge fight every time I spoke with the guy friend. My husband felt incredibly threatened and incredibly hurt by my friendship. (Now, was my husband’s reaction fair and appropriate? It didn’t seem so at the time, though I now think it probably was given the exact history and contours of my particular friendship. Regardless of those details … )

       In short, I picked my husband. As much as I wanted to have both the friendship and the new relationship, it was not possible. And I felt that in moving my life forward, the new relationship with my soon-to-be husband was more important to me. I decided to essentially end the friendship. I tried half-way ending it for a while (as your friend has done). My friend resisted — alternated between acting bemused about my husband’s request, ignoring it, and being offended by my new reticence. So I ultimately ended the friendship entirely, which frankly was the right outcome all along, and at that point he let me go.

       Was it painful? Yes. He was a good friend for a long time. Do I regret giving up my friendship with him? No, I love my husband and my life with him, and I do not want to hurt him unnecessarily. Am I thankful that my guy friend “let me go”? Yes, beyond belief. I am so thankful that he didn’t drag out what was already a painful decision for me. That’s how I know he was a really good friend. :)

    6. OK, devil’s advocate here: you and this guy have significant history together (even if it has always been platonic). You and he presumably had your chance to build a life together and chose not to do so.

       Now think about his wife. She is trying to build significant history with him. I think she has a right to claim “best friend” status. If my husband had a “best friend” that wasn’t me (man or woman), I would not be happy about it. I want to be the one that hears things first, that he comes to if he’s unhappy or happy, that he is most comfortable with, that makes him feel better. I don’t want to be his only friend, but definitely insist on being his BEST friend.

       And now think about your own husband. Shouldn’t you confide in him, talk to him, lean on him when you are depressed about work? Why isn’t he your best friend? Doesn’t he deserve the best part of your attention?

       I do have men friends. I have always preferred to be around men. It’s the “best” term I (and I’m betting your friend’s wife) have a problem with.

       1. Denise, much more elegantly than me, has explained exactly why I ultimately agreed with my husband to break off my “best friendship” with the other guy.

       2. I’m surprised by people’s reactions.

          I think there is sadly nothing you can do here – he has made his choice, and you just have to live with it. But I don’t agree that his wife’s behavior is normal or understandable. My husband is my best friend – but in a lot of ways, I have another guy friend who is my other best friend (it’s through him that I met my husband). My husband knows he comes first – but he is secure enough in our relationship to let me have another best friend who happens to be a guy. Just like I know that, at the end of the day, although I always come first for my husband, he will also spend some of his time cultivating his friendships with his very closest other friends.

       3. Each one of my three serious relationships was at the time “my BFF.” At the same time, my female BFF has been my BFF throughout all 3 of those relationships. Labels aren’t the be all, end all. I find it hard to believe that anyone would set phone limits, etc., on a MALE best friend in this situation. So I am not sure I buy that rationale. In my current relationship, I would say that me and my SO consider each other best friends. He is the first person I usually tell something to & vice versa. We have every intention of continuing that pattern for the rest of our lives. But the label of best friend is nonetheless (as is with most people) reserved for his (happens to be male) BF and my (happens to be female) BF — not because they’re any more or less important, but just because that’s how it was when we met and so on it goes. Think of it as the person that if something was bothering you about/with your SO, you could turn to. It sounds to me that for many people this perfectly normal state of things becomes unacceptable when the BF happens to be of the opposite gender. I would hope that if my SO’s BF was a woman, all things being equal, I would not be so irrational.

       4. I completely agree with this line from Denise:

          “If my husband had a “best friend” that wasn’t me (man or woman), I would not be happy about it. ”

          She isn’t paranoid for wanting to be his best friend, the best marriages are built on deep friendship.

    7. I know that I am going to come across as old-fashioned but—I am single and have a personal rule that I do not spend time alone with married men. Temptation has a way of rearing it’s ugly head and I don’t want to put myself or anyone else in any uncomfortable situations. And seriously, talking about “relationships and feelings” tends, often enough, to create “feelings” between the parties involved.

       I too, have a male friend that I have known since elementary school and when he and his now wife became engaged, I made it a point to not hang out with him alone as a display of respect to their marriage. And his wife was not placed in a position to make any demands of him regarding our friendship. I’d like to think that his wife appreciates that and I speak to and see them pretty often. Have you made any attempts to get together with them as a couple? If you’ve spent time with them, how do you behave towards his wife? You mentioned that you were “flirty”, how flirty have you been with your friend in front of her? Flirting with another woman’s husband, no matter how long you’ve known him, really isn’t cool.

       You are not privy to the conversations that your friend has with his wife and I wouldn’t put a whole lot of stock into his one sided version of the story. More than likely the same boundries re opposite sex friendships apply to her as well.

    8. My bf (now husband) had a “best” female friend when we started dating, and he was in love with her. I don’t know whether she saw it and wanted to keep her options open, or whether she really had no idea and thought I was being a bitch. And yes, I made him choose – and it had nothing to do with my feelings about the best friend (who I have since referred business to and would probably have otherwise been friends with). I felt that it was legitimate to say that if he was going to ask me to be committed to him, I needed him to be just as committed.

       Have you ever tried talking with the wife? If my husband’s best friend had talked with me, I would have greatly appreciated the openness and honesty on her end, instead of suspecting that she was being manipulative. Being friends with your best friend may also mean being friends with his wife, and certainly means being as up front and honest as possible with her.

    9. I understand how you feel. I was in the same situation with a very close male friend of mine. We were really close, even after I got married, but after he got married, his wife was “uncomfortable” with our friendship, and now I talk to him maybe twice a year. Unfortunately, the other advice you’ve gotten is pretty much spot-on. There’s no way he is going to prioritize you over his wife – and let’s face it, if you were in her place, would you want your husband to prioritize someone over you? I am sad that my friend and I are no longer close, but I look at it as – you can either change the situation, or you can change how you feel about it. I can’t change the situation, so I am going to choose to look at it as – at least we had a great friendship for many years, he is doing the right thing by his wife (I really do believe that), and I will always be here if he needs me – but right now, I have my life to live and he has his. Maybe circumstances will change at some point to allow us to be in closer contact, but I have no control over that. This is one of those situations where the phrase “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” applies. Big hugs to you.

    10. Here’s my experience, as the “crazy” one who ended a friendship between her husband and female friend:

        My husband (then boyfriend) was an associate at a law firm and shared an office with another associate, let’s call her Sally. Sally always got along well with my boyfriend to the point of being a little “innocently” flirty, but had a boyfriend of her own. I knew she and my boyfriend had to maintain a working relationship so I wasn’t too bothered (and really, it would have been truly nuts to have wanted to prevent them from spending time together since they were officemates)! Then Sally became highly dissatisfied with her job and broke up with her boyfriend, both within a short period. She became very needy and always wanted to talk to my husband, go out for drinks after work, etc. He and I have always been more the homebody types (and also super frugal) so he’d often turn down drinks, etc. (at that point, I never asked that he turn down these invitations). As he relayed to me, she thought I was “nuts” for not enjoying life more and imposing this on him, and wanted to get him to have more fun.

        Sally soon left the firm for a new job, and still wanted to meet up with him a lot. Sometimes he’d agree to meet her for coffee or lunch, but he let slip a few more times her pretty negative views about me. So I decided I was really uncomfortable with him going out solo with Sally, who clearly thought I was bad for my boyfriend. To Sally, I’m sure that reinfornced the idea that I was completely insane – the few times I’ve met her she’s always been nice!

        This is sort of a stretch and a little rambly, and probably doesn’t apply to you, so just putting it out there as food for thought. It’s possible you’ve always been perfectly nice to her and it seems like she’s a nutcase who feels threatened by you for no reason, but if her husband has gone home and said who-knows-what, maybe there’s a chance it’s a tiny bit rational. (Or not!)

        1. See, this just reads to me like your husband is taking the easy way out. He shouldn’t tolerate her speaking ill of you, and if he doesn’t want to hang out with her, HE is the one who should say so. He should set the boundaries (with your input since its your relationship).

           I have a number of male friends. I can’t say that my relationships with them haven’t changed as they have gotten married/committed. We probably do more group activities/couple dates than we used to, but I don’t think any of the SOs have thrown the gauntlet down. If there ever was an issue, I would hope that they wouldn’t hide behind “my wife says I can’t hang out with you”.

    11. so I was on the “wife” end of something like this. My husband had a female best friend when we met – always platonic, someone he had worked with in early adulthood but not a childhood friend. The difference is, she did have a bit of a “thing” for him, which he didn’t reciprocate – so I know it’s different from your situation. But I tried to reach out to extend the friendship to me – no dice. Even asked her to be in the wedding party and her response was that if she could put on a tux and be on the groom’s side she would, but to be a bridesmaid, no thanks. Even sent Christmas cards addressed to just him after we married. Eventually they grew apart and I know it saddened him because he really wanted to sustain the friendship.

    12. Tricky subject; have you thought how your friend’s wife feels? It could be that she’s simply trying to have a good marriage and that validly or not, him seeing you prevents that. Maybe your guy friend has confessed he has a crush on you and you have no idea? Maybe he has always loved you and never had the guts to tell you? Its amazing how quickly things can go from friends to lovers, and I don’t blame her for preempting this. It might seem unfair to you, but maybe as far as she’s concerned, she’s just trying to work hard to protect her marriage. Maybe “breaking” up with him and not wrecking his marriage is the best thing you could do.

    13. My husband had a female best friend when we met who was VERY territorial. I kept my mouth shut and my jealousy in check. (I was jealous of their relationship but not threatened by it.) Eventually, he stopped spending as much time with her and she moved on (and replaced him with a new gay BFF). They are still friends, they keep in touch, she moved out of state and we see her when she visits. But now I’m his BFF and he’s mine. We like it that way.

        You may want to consider that relationships change when people marry. BFFs often take a back seat – whether they’re of the opposite sex or not. She’s his wife. He’s choosing her. Let him. You are behaving like a threat, and at this point she has every reason to want you out of their lives. So does he, unfortunately. Just be grateful that you have a very, very understanding husband.

18. Can anyone comment on the sizing for Calvin Klein tops? I like this one – but am big busted and wondering if I should go M or L? Don’t want it to baggy and low cut though …

    http://www.6pm.com/calvin-klein-jeans-printed-cowl-neck-top-storm-cloud-combo

    1. *too

    2. I actually bought this in large (my usual size for tops) and returned it as too big so I say go medium. It was not particularly low cut.

    3. Can’t speak to the sizing of this top, but do you regularly wear this style of top? In unsolicited advice, in case you haven’t tried this style before — cowl tops like this are really unflattering on me because of my large bust. Although I always really want to wear this style because it has extra material (and so extra breathing room) through the bust, it draws a whole lot of attention just where I do not need it.

19. Does anyone know the Federal government policy for providing ergonomic workstations? I’ve just heard that it can be very difficult to navigate this though, and I need to know how to go about getting one.

    1. Have no knowledge but a bitter conviction that all of our employers that have employees sitting at computer for 8+ sometimes many ++ hrs per day should provide ergonomic set ups.

    2. I worked in government, and it took 8+ months for any furniture or workstation request to be processed, including my request for a wrist rest for my keyboard. I’d plan to buy your own supplies if it’s an immediate need that can be satisfied for less than $100.

       For chairs and bigger items, try to figure out who in your office knows the “black market” office channels for getting requests processed – there is always somebody who knows this!

    3. I worked in local government and was able to ask the maintenance guys to move a keyboard tray from an unused cube to my cube for me on the sly…

20. I’d like to get some opinions on a rather interesting topic. What do you think about single lawyers dating other single lawyers in the same firm? Is it taboo or can it work? Anybody have any success or horror stories?

    1. I think you’re asking for trouble. But I am sure there are situations where exceptions should be made. I am also sure that you should probably avoid ever dating more than 1 person in the same workplace. So using that as a guide, is the person you’re considering dating going to be that 1, or should you save that for someone else that might come along?

       Obviously there are other factors to consider, including the kinds of terms on which you have remained with others you have dated, whether you work closely (e.g., in the same practice area/dept), whether there is a specific policy prohibiting this, etc.

    2. I think there are so many potential pitfalls that it isn’t worth the trouble. I came close a few years ago after months of flirting but reason prevailed thankfully.

       I do know that it can work – I think in big firms, if you are working in different departments and are sufficiently removed from each other’s work circles. Otherwise, there are just too many potential issues – both if its going well and if things end poorly.

    3. I’ll provide an opposite opinion — I think it can work ok, but you need to be aware of / think about a few things. First off, your firm’s internal policies. Some places are totally ok with this (I’m looking at you my firm, which has several sets of married partners). Some places really discourage fraternization. Second, consider whether the person is in your same practice group or immediate area. If you’re a corporate attorney dating a litigator, it’s a lot less likely to cause problems than if you were working on the same cases for the same partners. Third, I’d consider your general level of interest in the other person. Are you looking for a fling? I would generally discourage the fling as not worth the time and potential angst. If you think you’ve found someone you can seriously be with, it may be worth taking the plunge. Just be really aware of the fact that you are on display and that people will talk. Keep it quiet. Keep it mature. Keep it out of the office as much as possible. But on the whole, no, I don’t think it’s terribly taboo and it’s certainly not unheard of.

       1. I agree with this. One other factor is the size of your workplace – I wouldn’t try it in a 10 attorney firm, but my current and past offices both had over 150 attorneys, and it is accepted at both. I would definitely advise against letting anyone at the office know before there is an objective indicator of long-term commitment (typically engagement, or at least living together).

          And I second the idea that you only get one shot at it.

21. Is this bag too casual for an interview (paralegal position)?

    http://www.ebags.com/product/etienne-aigner/ambitious-tote/205261?basketalready=yes&productid=10111744&itemid=1&cartlink=view

    I love the functionality and size (and it’s leather), but I’m concerned that it might have too many rivets (though I would remove the key fob).

    1. I don’t think so.

    2. Its not bad at all. I am on the fence with the rivets. At least they are small. But overall, the structure is very good – classy. I think it would be okay.

    3. I think it would work. I don’t know why, but I think the brown version looks more professional than the black. If you like both and are not sure which way to go, that would be my preference.

    4. What about patent leather for interview bags? Is that too much shine?

22. I’m wondering if anyone has advice for a stutterer. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a child, to varying degrees. It comes and goes based on what kind of setting I’m in (although certain words, like my name are consistently a problem). It definitely gets worse when I’m nervous. It’s not so bad that I can’t carry on a normal conversation, but at times it is definitely noticeable. I’m going to be entering my first “real job” soon and I’m worried that it’s going to be a problem, since I know I’ll be in some stressful settings. Any advice?

    1. I don’t have any experience with stuttering itself, but one of the head partners I work with has a slight stutter that comes out often when he is frustrated (particularly during negotiations with opposing counsel). No one that I know of has ever commented on it — rather than the stutter, he is known for his personality and the quality of work he produces. I think if you focus on these two things, no one will care if your stutter does emerge from time to time. I’m hesitant to give actual advice, but in times of high stress, make sure to breath and collect your thoughts before jumping into a conversation. I don’t stutter, but I definitely jumble my words or even invent new ones if I rush into things and start talking too fast. I’m not sure if this is applicable, but I hope it helps!

    2. My brother had one. He went to speech therapy and learned that it’s a breathing problem. So he has to stop, take a breath and start again. it’s essentially gone now, although I do notice he takes a breath sometimes, so it’s there. Insurance may cover speech therapy for you. And for any parents out there dealing with this, many states have free programs for young children with this problem.

    3. I second the recommendation to see a speech therapist, as I had a couple childhood friends whose speech has improved with therapy.
       And just a comment that you may find comforting – I work with a man who has a persistent stutter in almost every sentence, and I have not heard anyone speak badly of it. In fact, people tend to listen to him more closely and avoid interrupting him when he speaks. He is known for being hard-working and ethical, and is well-liked – not for having a problem speaking.

    4. Here’s a blog post about a litigator who stutters and found it to be an advantage. He says the jury listens to him more closely because they feel he is being sincere.

       http://www.fromthesidebar.com/trial-practice/the-kings-speech—a-trial-lawyers-stutter/

23. Something tells me judges wouldn’t appreciate me going barefoot all the time, but every single pair of dress shoes I’ve ever owned have given me blisters. The only time I’ve been able to wear them is when I wear them every single day and create calluses. But getting to the calluses requires days and days of bloody and painful blisters, to the point of hobbling.

    Anyone else have this problem? What do you do? I think my problem is that the distance from the bottom of my heel to the point that my foot bends is at least an inch shorter than normal people’s feet. I have a three day conference filled with 18+ hour days where I have to wear formal heels while running around D.C. and I’m dreading it. Any help would be much appreciated!

    1. If you know where the shoe is going to cause a blister, preemptively use moleskin(this: http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&q=moleskin&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=12370367011536186585&sa=X&ei=rLVxTdX_JMb_lger2NmCAQ&ved=0CEQQ8gIwAw#) and it should prevent them. I also put the heel pads in the back of basically ever pair of shoes I own because I guess my foot is a funny shape and they all rub blisters on the back of my heel without them.

       1. ooooh, thank you! I’m going to get some today and try it.

       2. I normally put bandaids on my heels to prevent blisters there, but moleskin will probably work better. Yesterday I had to walk significantly further in my heels than I normally do and did not have commuter shoes with me. By the time I got home, I had a toe-sized blister. Learned my lesson the hard way to always carry flats with me even if it means taking the bigger bag that I otherwise do not need.

    2. You might be able to get away with a pair of lower heels, I usually find that something in the 1.5-2 inch range helps get through a trade show. Also I second the moleskin, and I hear Cole Haan Aerosoles are comfy.

       1. Even flats and sneakers (that don’t sit low on the back of my ankle) rub blisters. =(

    3. Try wedges they balance your weight better.
       Slip an extra pair of shoes of a different heel height in a bag so you can change the pressure points throughout the day (or at the very least shift to a different height day to day).
       Wear thicker stockings if you can–absolutely no bare skin against shoe.
       Wax your foot on the trouble spots with a glide stick (Sports Authority sells it for runners–it keeps skin from chafing against fabric).
       Try for a supple leather shoe vs. something hard that’s man-made

       And good luck!

       (Just in case: You also may want to pack some mule-style shoes for the way home in case the back of your heel is raw.)

       1. Thanks for the advice. I hadn’t though of taking back-ups for the flight home, that’s a great idea. And I will definitely get mole skin and a glide stick.

    4. Old ballet trick- wrap your outside toes in medical tape. Use lambs wool padding to reduce chafing/movement of your foot in the shoe

       1. hmmm…this may work. Although it doesn’t seem like my foot moves. My shoes feel well-fitted (snug but not pinching) since I learned that even just a tiny bit loose results in unbearable blisters. I may try this, though.

    5. I didn’t even post this to being with because I suspect I know the answer: Sling-backs obviously do not give me blisters. But they’re too casual, aren’t they? The conference is full of extremely conservative, older attorneys (think 60’s+) who I really really need to impress.

       1. Something like this, maybe: http://www.zappos.com/vaneli-urenna-slingback-black-pesca

          1. Can you wear dark hose? If so, the black of the shoes would sort of blend in and it would be much less obvious that they are slingbacks. Just a thought.

             1. yes, dark hose would look good with my suits.

       2. I think those would be fine. I would be that even on the 1% of people at the conference that might care about your shoes your choice of slingbacks is going to impact their opinion of you less than any changes in your positive/enthused attitude due to you being in pain.

       3. Slingbacks aren’t casual. Slingbacks are classic, traditional, and conservative. There is nothing inappropriate about them in a business setting. I personally would be comfortable wearing them to a job interview.

          1. Oh and I forgot to add that you sound like you don’t wear hose. If you are going to be around a bunch of old men you need to impress you should wear hose.

       4. I think you can absolutely wear slingbacks as long as they are closed toe, and even better if they’re black with black hose. I would highly recommend that option over hobbling around in pain.

    6. I used to have this problem. You are correct that it’s due to having a “shallower” heel (not sure what other word to describe it) than average. Get a $6 orthotic insert from the drugstore that will raise your heel up a little bit in the shoe. Problem solved. I know, I couldn’t believe it was that simple either.

       1. Brilliant! This would do it. Thank you so much.

    7. Bandaid Advance bandaids. They are the only thing that made it possible to wear shoes to my retail job everyday that still looked cute.

    8. barkingdogshoes.com is a great blog with shoe suggestions for problem feet.
       footsmart.com is a good place to shop.

24. I’ve been struggling with this for about two weeks until it dawned on me that the lovely ladies at Corporette might be able to offer some advice.

    I’m a 2L (top 5% of my class, law review editor, moot court, TA, all that good stuff) at a small, but well-ranked school out west. Last summer, I externed for a judge in a city five hundred miles away, because it was a pretty short commute from my small hometown and I could stay with my parents over the summer. I have a tentative offer to clerk with the judge after I graduate, but I want to gain exposure to the private sector this summer. I want nothing to do with the city where I go to school and I actually want to practice in my hometown, but as the population is under ten thousand people, summer opportunities are slim to none and my parents aren’t attorneys, so I have no connections to exploit there.

    However, I found out that a national firm specializing in natural resources, my preferred area of practice, has an office in town that is literally five minutes from my parents’ house. This firm is everything I want and more in terms of clients, ideology, size, etc. However, it’s also a very small office (four attorneys, all of whom are partners). After checking the firm’s site, I discovered the national firm has a summer associate program, but it’s only for its larger cities, not the office in my hometown.

    I *did* find the contact information for the regional office manager in charge of recruiting. My best course of action is probably to e-mail her and explain my situation. How does one approach the awkward “I see you aren’t offering a summer associate position here, but please consider me anyway/make me a position” e-mail? I’ve drafted a few different e-mails, but when I step back and look at them, I worry that the contact will just click delete or think I’m crazy (potentially impacting my future opportunities with the firm after I graduate). Is there a tactful way to pose my inquiry to the office manager? If so, do I include my resume, cover letter, and writing sample with the first e-mail, or wait until I hear that the firm would actually be interested in reading my materials? I would prefer to approach the problem the old-fashioned way and just make a phone call, or walk into the office in person, but the website specifically says to forward all employment-related inquiries to this office manager via e-mail.

    I should add, while a paid position would be ideal, given the state of the economy, I’d be willing to work as an unpaid intern for the summer because I know that my work will speak for itself and I would be seriously considered if a position did become available. However, I don’t want to bring that up until I know a summer associate position is off the table. I’d appreciate any advice/input!

    1. Would an experience in one of the larger cities be worthwhile at this juncture? Get your foot in the door that way, and try to take a longer term view toward a position in your hometown? If that’s at least plausible, I think you could say that you’re applying for, say, NYC but you also noted that the firm has an office in Hometown, which happens to be where you are from. While you realize that office isn’t listed as participating in the summer associate position, you would love to have the opportunity to spend some or all of your summer in Hometown office.

    2. I did something similar my 1L summer. I skipped the summer associate program and did an unpaid internship at one of the smaller offices in the same firm. I met the partner of the practice group I was interested in at a networking event. I hinted around that I was looking for an internship in the practice area and he offered one. It was a great substantive experience, although not as valuable on a resume as a paid SA position.

       I think you should set up an informational interview with one of the partners and ask him/her about your career plan (advice to get into practice area, etc). Mention you would be willing to do an unpaid internship somewhere (hint hint). See how that develops.

       1. Absolutely set up an informational interview. The plight of many smaller cities and towns is attracting good quality candidates that want to stay in that area. So, I would first contact the local office and see if you can set up an informational interview. Suss out the situation on that end, and then email the recruiter and express an interest in the firm generally (since it sounds like you would work at a larger office for the experience) but also that office specifically.

    3. I think it’s totally acceptable to write them a cover letter explaining your circumstances (I’m want to work in natural resources law, I’m from hometown, I’m interested in moving back to hometown when I graduate) would you be interested in having a summer associate this summer. They won’t think you’re crazy, and even if they can’t hire a summer associate, at least you’ll have expressed interest early, which should help you if/when you apply for a post-graduate position with them.

       I got a position my 1L summer by emailing a firm that was not hiring summer associates and asking to work as an unpaid intern. However, I’m not sure that is such a good idea in your case, since the firm is paying its summer associates at other offices. I’m interested to hear what other people have to say about this issue.

    4. A few words of caution:

       I work at a regional firm that has formal summer programs in its more major offices but a few random outposts without any summer programs or associates. Our smaller offices are sometimes for *very* part time or semi-retired attorneys who might bring in business but don’t actually do much work in those offices. While there might be need for some help and they would accept free labor, I would worry that you won’t get the quality of work experiences that would be more helpful to your career development. You might also have a hard time getting exposure to attorneys in the main offices. I agree with the suggestions to seek out an informational interview and try to feel out what the hometown office does and its relationship with business structure of the firm.

       There is some risk in contacting the main office but referencing your interest in the Hometown office. My firm, for example, does summer associate hiring on an office-by-office basis and looks strongly for people who want to stay at that location.

       Good luck!

    5. Just go ahead and send the email. Include your resume as an attachment, but make the email your cover letter (so there are fewer attachments for them to open). You’ve got nothing to lose by trying.

    6. Thanks for the advice ladies! The timing isn’t great for me to grab a flight home for an informational interview, but I think I’ve figured out how to word my e-mail the best way I can. Even if it doesn’t work out this summer, I’ve got something to shoot for :)

       1. For future reference, attorneys tend to be very open to doing informational interviews over the phone. This can be a godsend when you’re job searching several thousand miles away from your law school.

25. I fall madly in love with adorable feminine heels like
    these all the time – only problem is, I’m never sure if they’re OK for the workplace — I work in a biz casual environment, but they always say dress for the job you want, not the one you’ve got, so I end up wearing more conservative shoes to work while the pretty flowery ones sit in the closet. What’s the general consensus of shoes like this – always inappropriate, or OK if worn with an overall more-conservative outfit?

    1. Inappropriate. Even though it’s closed toe, it shows too much foot even for business casual. I guess save it for a wedding or some other dressy event.

       1. It shoes too much foot? Perhaps I am clueless because I live in Florida, but that’s not something I’ve ever heard as a complaint about a shoe. They’d work absolutely fine any any workplace I’ve experienced. Then again, pretty much anything goes in many Florida workplaces because it’s almost impossible to enforce a no flip flop rule.

          1. I want to work in Florida now.

       2. I don’t think these “show too much foot” but would not wear them to work (attorney) because of the attitude I think they convey — retro girlishness / youthful flirtiness. Partly that’s my personal style, but generally I find Anthro-esque items a little too “trying to be coy” for work.

    2. I think they’re fine for work, but then, my office is business casual with an emphasis on casual… so I guess it depends on your office. Does anyone else wear shoes like that? Maybe you could try them on a Friday if your office has casual Fridays.

    3. I’d wear those, if I liked them, that is…. Those are fine for a business casual office, and I’d wear them with a pant suit if I worked in a more conservative office. Too much foot??? I don’t think I know what that means….

       Shoes and accessories are where I think you have room to show your personality, even in very conservative offices.

       1. I have heard the too much foot argument before, but mostly in regards to open-toed shoes. These definitely convey a retro girly-type style, which I guess is a style I’m fond of (I have a closet full of brightly colored flowery stuff) but I just don’t know if I can get away with them at the office – or rather, if they’ll convey something I don’t really want to convey. I guess the consensus is… fine with a more conservative outfit?

          1. Wear them! I almost ordered them & it didn’t even occur to me to consider them inappropriate (and I consider a LOT in appropriate). Maybe the wooden heel is a bit iffy, but it’s really fine. Just don’t make the rest of your outfit too theme-like. E.g., no pouffy skirt/dress; no Joan Holloway outfit; no cutesy anthro cardigans.

    4. This is the kind of shoe that a 22 year old new hire would wear at my business casual office, and the rest of us would gape at and someone would finally suggest she tone it down after she wore them for the 3rd or 4th time. Flower detail, lots of exposed skin, and a very high pointy heel are each okay on their own, but the combination of the 3 makes them too flirty for the office.

    5. Ugh, comment got eaten. Anyway, I was going to say that very high heel, flower detail, and lots of exposed foot would each be ok on their own, but the combination of the 3 makes the shoes look too unprofessional and flirty.

       1. Good advice, thanks – as much as it makes me sad to be relegated to sensible pumps or low heels for the rest of my adult working life, you’re definitely right there.

    6. It’s so interesting how offices and perceptions differ. My NY Biglaw office is business casual, and my department is VERY casual (partner in wool sweaters and cords in the winter), and these shoes would probably get you compliments, nothing more.

    7. I see nothing wrong with these shoes — am actually tempted by them. :-) I would wear them with pants, not a skirt, so they’re just peeking out.

26. Anyone have advice or experience with extensive car-travel for work? I started working for a firm a few weeks ago that requires traveling to other parts of the state for work a few times of the week. My team covers a specific geographical area that is abouta 2-3 hour drive away (obviously not far enough to fly). Things to do or not do, recommendations for eating on the road, who has the best car rental prices/deals. etc. Thanks ladies!!

    1. Yes, I live in a rural area of a rural state and regularly travel 2-3 or more hours for work.

       I take my own vehicle, car rentals are not an option here, although friends who have their own businesses in a larger city do use rentals so as to avoid putting miles on their personal vehicle. To me, this would depend on the cost you can pass on to client.

       I keep a travel cosmetic case packed at all times, so I have double makeup, deodorant, etc. It is just easier to pack for an overnight trip and not omit something you need.

       As for eating on the road, I will often pack a sandwich and fruit for a lunch so as to avoid having to stop to eat on the way to a meeting/deposition, etc. I am vegetarian so this makes it easier for me to get a healthy meal, as well.

       Keep up your exercise regime. If nothing else, take a pair of running shoes and run out a mile and back from the motel. It’s better than nothing, and most moderate type motels like hampton, Comfort suites, places found in rural areas, have a decent workout room.

       I recently got a travel steamer (Jiffy Esteam) that works much better than the motel-provided irons on suits and sweaters. I have the floor model Jiffy 2000M that Iuse virtually every day at home, and this handheld model is the best I have found for traveling.

       Get a kindle.

       Do not feel compelled to have every meal with your travel companions. Order room service (if you are lucky enough to be in a motel that has such) and get more work done, more sleep–you’re not out nearly as late as with a restaurant meal, and some time to yourself.

       Just random thoughts. Hope this helps.

    2. I’d love advice on when it’s appropriate or not to talk to your traveling companion. It’s not so relevant to me now, but when I was a summer intern I found myself traveling with my supervising attorney to cities 2.5-4 hours away (and we’d come back the same day). Since he was driving, I felt like I had to keep the conversation going for the whole car ride. Trust me, coming up with conversation topics on the 6th and 7th hours of an eight hour round trip drive is really tough. The last trip I went on one of the other associates came as well, and shut down all conversation for the entire 5 hour round trip drive. (she and I got along well, so I don’t think it was a personally conflict) Ever since then I’ve wondered if the appropriate thing to do on these trips is to sit in silence for the several hour car drive, or if there are any other alternatives I was missing.

       1. I think NPR (if it is available and won’t be looked on unfavorably by your boss) can be great in these situations. You’re listening to something which might spark an interesting conversation, and you don’t have to worry about choosing music the person likes or dislikes. If you’re driving, you can have it on low when the person gets in the car and adjust volume at a time when conversation seems to lag. Podcasts might be another option.

          1. Ugh- I don’t really like either on a long drive. I am not an auditory person by any means and it is hard for me to pay attention to NPR or any talk radio for periods of over more than 15-20 minutes. I really do not think there is anything wrong with having quiet time on longer trips like that. I do not travel all that often and it usually takes me through the middle of nowhere- e.g. no radio stations- and I’d rather have silence than a podcast or NPR. The reality is that most people aren’t meant to be able to talk to one person for 8 hours in one day. It’s just not normal. People need breaks.

             1. Good point. I do think NPR (and any talk radio, really) is definitely a know-your-audience type of thing. I enjoy it and have many co-workers who do as well but sometimes, there is nothing better than straight-up quiet. It’s nice to travel with people who don’t find that uncomfortable.

       2. Having done some longer car trips with coworkers, I would say it’s variable, dependent on the people you’re with. I have been on trips with three other women and it was nonstop talking the whole time, and trips with a male and a female coworker and there were long periods of not-uncomfortable silence. I have also heard people complain about “we were in the car for four hours and so-and-so wouldn’t shut up the entire time!” I don’t think you need to feel like you *have* to keep the conversation going the whole time. I am one of those people who likes silence more than talking for the sake of it, and am fine if a traveling companion wants to read or snooze instead of talk, after making small talk for awhile. However, my husband once had a coworker who would get in the car with everyone and immediately put on headphones and ignore everyone the entire trip, except to ask about bathroom breaks. I don’t think that’s the way to go necessarily, either. :)

    3. I had close to a four hour round trip commute for the last 2 years. I drove my personal vehicle. I went by myself, so I was able to use the time to listen to music and relax. My boss uses her drive to make phone calls. If you have to go with other people, maybe a business-oriented book on tape would be appropriate.

       My advice is to have a small overnight bag packed with essentials (for me, it was a shirt, underwear, travel toothbrush and paste, one days worth of prescription medications, a $20 bill and deodorant) that you bring with you every time, just in case you get stuck overnight somewhere.

       If you don’t have AAA, get it now. It pays for itself with your first flat tire, and you can use it even if someone else is driving.

       Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and trail mix with dried fruit, nuts and popcorn are my favorite travel foods.

       Lynette- here is my horror story for traveling with the Partner. On my first day of work, I went with the Partner to our satellite office where I would mostly be working from. The road is a rural road with some small towns along the way. We stopped on the way and had lunch, where I had a rather large iced tea. We are driving on a mountain road when we get stuck in traffic behind an accident. Ok, no problem, we can always turn around….but oops, big rig comes around the corner too fast and jackknives to stop from hitting the line of cars. We are now TRAPPED on this road. Hill on one side, cliff on the other, no bushes or anything. And I have to pee. So, I basically turn to Partner and say “I really have to use the bathroom”, get out of the car, and go up the line about 10 cars ahead to a motorhome that was stuck in line. Thankfully they let me use their bathroom. Partner said was “you’ve got balls, girl”. And all was forgotten because Partners car died and we had to have one of the police officers jump-start the vehicle because no one could get around us.

27. This question is better suited for the post about resigning gracefully, but it’s too late. I am transferring -same job, basically, but different boss, because my current boss is horrible. I’ve kept everything pretty low key and I am working hard to ensure everything with horrible boss is wrapped up. I am debating how to leave things. As much as I’d love to run out screaming profanity and extending the middle finger, that’s clearly not OK. I’m debating on a gift or a card, but I don’t know what I would write in a card. “Thanks for the screaming?” What do you buy the person who’s made your life hell for the last year? I want to leave a rotten situation as pleasantly as possible but I don’t know whether to go saccharine sweet or just run for the hills. And I’m going to run into horrible boss at least once a week from now on. Thoughts?

    1. I don’t think either a gift or a card is called for, but if you do go with a card, how about something along the lines of – “I’ve enjoyed learning about our business from you over the past X months/years. I feel I’ve really grown a lot, and I just wanted to thank you for your role in that. Hope to still see you around as I transition into my new position.” If it’s so obviously false though, definitely just skip it. Go over on your last day with him, shake his hand, and say it’s your last day and that you hope to see him around.

       Good luck with your transition. It’s encouraging to see someone getting herself out of a bad situation!

    2. I’ve never seen anyone give “parting gifts” to a boss when transferring to a new job. Cordial parting words in person are all that are required.

    3. Recently had the same experience. I didn’t do any gift or card (I think this is generally unnecessary even when leaving the company), but just kept in touch with Former (Nightmare!) Boss. Weirdly, I have ended up getting some great mentoring from Former Boss now that I am not a direct report, so all I can say is… keep things cordial and see if good comes of it. Sometimes the relationship completely changes, especially if someone less skilled replaces you and Former Boss realizes you were more valuable than they thought.
       Maybe buy Former Boss lunch on your last day.

28. Has anyone here with lighter hair had experience with laser hair removal? I’ve been wanting to try it for a while (bikini area) but have been told that it doesn’t work as well for lighter hair. If it helps, I’m medium-dark blond with fair skin. Suggestions appreciated!

    1. I don’t really have an answer to your question, but to piggy-back on this: Has anyone with darker (medium-brown) skin and dark hair tried laser hair removal? I’ve noticed that laser hair removal centers are popping up everywhere these days, and I’m curious to try it. I’ve heard that it works best for those who have both light skin and dark hair, but I’m really curious about the potential side-effects for those who don’t match this profile.

       1. Yep, I have medium-brown skin (Indian) and dark hair, and laser removal has been working like a charm! I used to HAVE to shave every day, and now I shave maybe once every two weeks. My treatments aren’t even done yet (I have one left in April). And honestly, I think I shave because I like I should, and not because I have to do it like I did before.

       2. I did my bikini line (medium hair and skin tones) – and it is great BUT don’t believe them when they say it’s permanent. Now I have re-growth several years later and their “guarantee” boils down to a discounted rate to go back for more treatments. I went to a leading franchise that sells packages vs. individual sessions. To go back now, they’d charge me per “zap,” with a minimum of 40 zaps.

29. I got rejected for a job I really wanted this week. That, and the fact that my student visa is expiring in a few months (I am a 2010 grad) have convinced me that I want to do some traveling for a few months, specifically to South America and Australia/New Zealand. I have some savings that I can allocate to it, and a vague itinerary in my head. I’m thinking of going north to south in South America during the fall (ideally hitting Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Chile and Argentina) and then spending the holidays and Jan/Feb in Aus/NZ. I speak fluent Spanish but have not been to Latin America before. I have been to Aus, but not NZ. I will be going solo.

    Have any Corporettes done this kind of travel? Can you share experiences, advice, suggestions on what I should see/do, and any logistical and planning hints? I’m at the stage where I’m thinking “this would be so much fun,” and only just beginning to officially plan it, so any and all ideas are much appreciated.

    1. I used to live in Latin America, and traveled solo all over the place, including to several of the countries you’ve mentioned. A couple of thoughts:

       -Fall (especially November to early December) is the heart of the rainy season in Panama/Colombia, and this may affect your ability to travel by land in parts of both countries. I wouldn’t really recommend tons of overland travel in Colombia for safety reasons, anyway, but flights between cities are pretty cheap on Avianca.

       -Panama is an underappreciated destination, in large part because it doesn’t cater to a standard backpacker market. I think it’s great, with a lot to offer to someone who is willing to step off of the gringo trail (that is, the chain of sights that all backpackers seem to think they must visit). Check out Fort St. Lorenzo and Portobelo on the Caribbean coast. Make like a Panamanian and check out El Valle or Isla Taboga for the day. Try hiking from Boquete over the trail to Volcan. And appreciate the fact that in Panama many people will still see you as a person and not just as a tourist.

       -Cartagena is beautiful and well worth a visit.

       -Chile is great. I traveled alone there for a month, and you’ll get better weather than I did since you’ll be in the southern spring/early summer. I recommend the ferry from Puerto Montt to Puerto Natales, hiking in Torres del Paine, and spending a day or so in Punta Arenas, which is a fascinating city. I’d also probably try to get down to Ushuaia and to Puerto Williams. I didn’t have the chance to do any hiking in Tierra del Fuego, but I think it would be really great.

       -Machu Picchu and the whole sacred valley are heavily touristed, but worth it. I found Peruvians to be very warm, friendly, and really pleased to meet a Spanish-speaking gringo. Bear in mind that the roads in Peru are not good, so that if you’re planning to travel a lot there, intra-country flights will save you many tens of hours on crowded buses. I also really liked Lima and found it interesting, though if you haven’t been to a massive developing-country city before, it can be overwhelming.

       With regard to traveling alone: the first and most important tip is this – trust your gut. If you’re obviously non-Latina, then you’ll get approached, chatted up, catcalled and occasionally harassed by asshole men. Comments on the street are best ignored, but if someone is actually talking to you and you are becoming uncomfortable, walk away, tell them you don’t want to talk anymore, or move to sit near another woman, preferably an older one. I cannot tell you how important this is – I’ve had some unpleasant experiences, one of which was truly dangerous, as a result of not trusting my own discomfort.

       -As a woman traveling alone, you’ll also get a lot of offers of help from people. Trust your gut there as well, because as a solo female traveler you’ll also be taken into people’s homes and hearts in a way that a man wouldn’t be and you’ll have opportunities to see and do things that they won’t.

       -Look out for sleazy male backpackers if you’re frequenting backpacker-y hostels and sights. I have heard some nasty stories, ranging from sexual assault to theft, at hostels, and because people are so mobile in backpacker-world, perpetrators can vanish overnight.

       -Make sure you know what your insurance will cover and how to access medical care.

       1. OK, officially jealous of cbackson and her fabulous traveling adventures. All that sounds amazing! :)

          1. It was a pretty great couple of years! I definitely miss having the time and flexibility to just pick up and go wherever whenever.

          2. Me too and the fact that she can keep up a great running routine (and even do a marathon)… I started my own routine few weeks ago and hoping to eventually get close to Cbackson.. keep it up C!

       2. I love to travel, and while I haven’t done extended solo travel, I have planned several longer trips. My South American experience has been in Peru and Chile and I had a fabulous time in both places.

          Think about what kind of travel experience you want to have. Do you want to hit the touristy things or do you want to get off the beaten path? Remember that after a few months of constant travel, things can start to run together. I met up with a friend who had been in India for almost 3 months, and at that point, I think she would have been fine if she never saw another temple. Don’t feel bad about settling down in one spot for a few extra days if you’re getting tired of being on the move.

          Second cbackson’s thoughts on Machu Picchu. It is one of the most spectacular places I have ever been, and probably the best example I’ve encountered of “pictures do not do this place justice.” Climb Huayna Picchu while you’re there–the view from the top is amazing. Peru is a beautiful country, but be sure to give yourself time to adjust to the altitude if you’re coming from a lower elevation. I attempted to go on a run while I was there (after being there for a week) and my lungs were on fire after 5 minutes.

          General travel planning thoughts:

          Go to the library and check out a bunch of guidebooks. Find one you really like to bring with you. It’s helpful to have so that you can spend plane/bus/train rides planning your next stop.

          I can’t comment on the quality of the water in South/Central America–I honestly don’t remember whether or not I drank tap or bottled water while in Peru and Chile. But, if you anticipate that you’re going to need a lot of treated/bottled water, you might consider buying a Steripen. I spend two weeks in India drinking Steripen-treated tap water and didn’t get sick once.

          A few of my friends (male and female) who have done South American travel have used couchsurfing.com. Obviously, you need to be careful, but it’s definitely something to consider. I know one of my guy friends had an amazing Columbian host who ended up connecting him with several people during the his time in the country. He saw a completely different side of the country than he would have otherwise.

          Similarly, check with friends to see if anyone has connections in the places where you’re heading. Having someone to show you around, even if it’s only for a day, not only shows you a different view of the city but can really reduce the travel stress. It’s nice to let someone else handle public transportation for a day or two :)

          I’ve found that volunteering can be a good way to make connections and add some structure to your time. Spending a week or two some place can be an interesting experience and give you a different view of the community.

          I had a friend who did Australia/NZ and LOVED it–she went by herself, made great friends in the hostels (many of whom she traveled with later) and ended up spending a year-and-a-half working and traveling there. She bought a beater car to drive around and thought it was worth it. So, that’s something to consider as well.

          Happy travels–sounds like you are getting set for an exciting adventure! :)

    2. I haven’t (yet!) taken that kind of extended trip, but I traveled for six weeks post-clerkship and pre-firm job. I’m so glad I did as haven’t managed to take that much time away from work for travel since — and now it’s 10 years later.

       I highly recommend the book “A Journey of One’s Own” by Thalia Zepatos as well as the website http://www.journeywomen.com. Both have sections discussing extended trips. Have a great time!

    3. Thanks so much, everyone, for this advice! I’m vacillating between thinking how exciting it sounds, and being nervous, so I’m definitely going to do some detailed research. I have been looking at books and already have a long list of places I want to visit.

       I’m investigating couchsurfing.com as an option for a few places — I’m thinking especially in the more overwhelming cities, it would be a great way to get my bearings. Volunteering and staying somewhere for a longer period of time is also something I’m considering. I do have friends with family in Bogota and Quito, so I’ll see if they can put me up and/or show me around.

       Has anyone got thoughts on Venezuela? There are things I would like to see there, but Caracas sounds pretty scary, and I would want to avoid it as much as possible. Are there experiences in Venezuela that a) I couldn’t get by visiting neighboring countries, and b) would justify the additional risk in going there?

30. Biglaw 2nd year. My practice group has been very busy for months (averaging 200/mo over the last 4 months), and a more senior associate is going in-house next week. We’re trying to hire someone, but I’m fucking exhausted in the meantime. Any suggestions on how to delay the burnout until we get adequately staffed? FWIW, I don’t want to leave the firm any time soon, so suggestions to refuse work won’t get me very far.

    1. Meh, apologize for the potty mouth. I’d edit if I could.

    2. Is this work you can do from anywhere or do you have to be in the office to do it? If anywhere, try to identify things you can do in alternate locations.

       Download some cases and take them with you to a coffee shop and spend an hour there. Go home at 6 and have dinner w/ friends or your family and then do a couple more hours of work before bed.

       Take a meditation class. A yoga studio in my town has one at dinner time. A forced hour of sitting in silence can be restorative. If you think you would hate it because you would just be thinking of all the work you should be doing, try taking an hour to do something you have to focus on – running, karate, kick boxing, etc.

       The biggest thing that has helped me avoid burnout is having a tv show to look forward to, as silly as that is. I will leave work in time to get home and eat dinner while I watch it. Currently, Glee is my guilty pleasure. Once it is over, I’m back to work. Somehow, even though I do the same amount of work, the day just seems shorter when I think, oh, I’m leaving to get home for Glee tonight.

    3. Breathe!

       I’d recommend finding a yoga class or exercise class or something that requires you to shut off your brain for an hour or so…

       Make sure you are eating well – I seem to recall eating like CRAP when big deals were closing and we were pulling super long days – pack your food, keep some fruit in your office, be careful not to overload on coffee – try a healthier energy option (Whole Foods has a great energy water) – Stay hydrated

       Know your limits – Are you more effective staying to midnight, or bailing at 10 and getting some sleep and coming in earlier? Maximize your productivity to your own rhythms. I am a morning person, and after 10 pm, I am kind of useless, but I can be in by 6:30 and crank. I had a friend who could work until 3am, but if she was in before 10, you had to check back before you acted on hat she said because she was in a fog etc….

       Be glad you are going to make your hours, and plan you time off/bonus spend!

    4. In the morning, try and think of the least “brain-power needed” tasks for the day and set those tasks aside (i.e. doc review, reading, responding to non-emergency e-mails, etc.). When you hit a point at the office when I feel the fatigue or exhaustion kicking in, then head home, eat dinner, watch a little TV or take a shower, and do those more menial tasks. It gives your brain a chance to do the lighter-lifting from home, and you are still billing serious hours. The key is to set that work aside as early in the day as you can, so that you won’t be tempted to do the “easier” work during the day.

    5. You know this is only a short-term thing, so you are kind of stuck putting your head down and pushing through. I’ve been there and it sucks. I cried almost every night for months, but you will get through it.

       Pay attention to your body. Are you feeling tension in your neck and shoulders? Maybe a boxing class (or just beating the crap out of a pillow) will help. Or weight lifting or any other exercise that will stretch that area out. I have a small weighted ball at my desk that’s a little bigger than a tennis ball, and use it to do shoulder exercises. Shoulder pain is a huge problem for me, so getting a measure of control over it made me feel a bit less stressed.

       Need a break in the daytime? Take lunch and go get your nails done or blowout your hair; get a massage if it relaxes you. I will sometimes go to the gym just to take a shower, especially if I am tired and nothing else will help. Live 30 minutes or more away from work like I do? Stay in a hotel near work once a week.

       Use some of the money you are earning to get a housekeeper in one day a week so you don’t have to do housework or laundry. Buy some pre-made healthy food, like salads or roasted chicken. You can’t change your work hours but you can change the hours you work outside of work.

       It is useful to have a weeks worth of clothes ready to go before you start your workweek. Organization of everything is key when you have so little time outside of work.

       Adding a few little rituals to my day helped a lot. Whatever I am doing, I stop to go make tea in the morning. Taking the time to walk to the hot water machine and wait 3 minutes for the tea to steep gives a nice short break that is meaningful to me. I also take time to clean my desk or office up a little every night before I leave- just five minutes makes it better the next day.

31. I have a question about savings, and I know this is a great place to ask it because of the very helpful financial-advice threads we’ve had here lately.

    I am reviewing our household accounts and investments and I am wondering if I am under-budgeting our cash emergency fund. I had heard that you should have 3-6 months of *living expenses* in cash, to cover emergencies. We currently have that – we could pay all of our necessary expenses (mortgage, food, utilities, gas, other bills, etc.) for about 7 months with what we have in cash savings. But I have heard some people here talking about having 6 months of *income* in cash – which would be a different number for us to save. I had always assumed that if my husband and I were both out of a job and eating into our savings to live, we would probably be in a place where we were pretty frugal and not buying a lot of extras. So once we got the cash account to 7 months of living expenses, I started taking money and putting it into the stock market or into Treasury securities, rather than saving more cash, figuring the cash fund would be more about “survival” than exactly maintaining our standard of living.

    Should I re-think this? Like everyone, we lost money in the stock market in the last market crash, but I am one of those people who believes the market always rebounds and provides better returns than just about anything else over time – and we have time, we’re both in our late 30s. In addition to some longer-term T-bills, we have done rolling purchases of Series-I bonds for years, so we have at least one a month that becomes available to cash in. If we ran through ALL our cash savings, we could sell stock and cash in bonds for some time before cashing out our retirement funds. I would estimate that right now, we have another 12 months of living expenses in the market and another 6 months’ worth immediately accessible in Treasuries (the rest is tied up in long-term T-bills). I am not averse to saving more cash, but in another way, I hate to park a lot of money in a low-return savings account when it could be earning more interest doing something else. Would appreciate hearing some opinions from the financially-minded Corporettes.

    1. I think 6 months of expenses is generally what is recommended, but I’ve also heard 3 months of expenses for every person in the family. So, if you had 2 kids you would have 12 months saved, etc. It sounds to me like you’re in a really good place right now, and the only reason for you to put more in cash savings would be for peace of mind.

    2. Most people use expenses, not income, to determine emergency fund needs.
       As your investments and incomes grow and your debts decrease you might need less in cash reserves. The extreme case would be someone in retirement who does not depend on earned income at all, they have little risk of loosing cash flow due to job loss. I currently only keep about 1-2 months in cash since our jobs are both secure, we have sufficient taxable investments, we save a lot each month and could live on either of our incomes. When I was younger though I wanted more cash available.

    3. Expenses, because you would presumably cut non-essential spending so you wouldn’t need you entire income. That said, what do you and your spouse do? Are you in a field, where if there is a job loss you can reasonably expect to find replacement employment? What is your seniority level? The more senior you are, the more time you may need to find replacement employment.

    4. I think what you’re doing right now sounds just right.

32. Ladies, I am seriously hankering for a Rebecca Minkoff Morning After Bag or Morning After Mini. I love the look and I have seen at least one of them in person. Sadly, I live in a place where lovely bags such as this are hard to find in stores. I generally travel to work (lawyer) with a laptop and at least some paperwork in a computer bag. Most of my bags are mid-size, though I have one lovely huge non-structured smooshy one. I’m 5’5” (generally wear heels, though) and size 4/6. I’ve looked at so many pictures on Purse Forum and I’m still not sure – sometimes the MAM looks too small on a person that looks my size or maybe a bit taller, sometimes the MAB looks too big. And so many people either say that one or the other is too small or too big for them. I know that it likely comes down to personal preference but any general thoughts would be appreciated. Also, could the MAB stand up to toting a laptop and files or would the weight be too hard on bottom of the bag? Thanks!

    1. I LOVE Minkoff bags! I have several, and find they are beautiful leather and great quality. Check out bonanzle for purchasing if you’re interested. You could also order both the MAB and the MAM from endless and return the one you don’t feel as comfortable wearing.

       I am 5’7 and a size 10/12/14, and I prefer the MAB because I like carrying a scarf and an extra pair of shoes, along with all the rest of my crap. I carry my laptop in my MAB, but I have a macbook air, so it’s extremely light. I wouldn’t carry a really heavy laptop and files in it on a regular basis, just to maintain the bottom of the bag’s shape.

       1. Thanks for the input on the bag and even more so for the good common sense re: endless ordering and reference to Bonanzle (never heard of it before!). If you are familiar with RM, do you know if it would be possible to get a long strap for an older bag? Her leathers and colors change every year and I know the long strap has only been sold with these bags relatively recently (in the past requiring separate ordering). Thanks again!

          1. For the long strap, I think it depends on the bag and whether or not she ever made a strap. If you would want the strap to match the bag identically, and the bag was made before they were sold with long straps and the owner didn’t special order one, then it could be pretty difficult. This is even more true when the bag is an uncommon leather. However, I think there are a couple secondary sellers on Ebay who sell straps that can match her bags, but again, this is easiest if your bag is a common leather. Hope this helps!

33. *Sigh* I am so frustrated right now. I have a problem with binge eating, and then feeling terrible, and then doing it again. It’s so frustrating that the problem is so persistent for me, and at times I feel I will never be able to control my impulses. But the worst part is that I can’t even say that’s it’s truly an impulse, because I go through so many different hurdles just to facilitate it (secreting food, buying large quantities in advance, or taking long trips to purchase particular items, say cinnabon).

    I know that my bingeing contributes to my depression, which in turn contributes to my bingeing, and I have yet to find an adequate replacement for all of this in my life. I have so much to be grateful for, yet I spend so much of my life feeling bad about and for myself.

    /vent.

    1. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I know you’re mostly just venting, but…have you seen a counselor about this? Cognitive behavioural therapy has a very good track record for helping those with disordered eating or full-on eating disorders. From your description, these may not be impulses, but they do sound like compulsions and it sounds like it’s affecting your daily life.

       I’m recovered from an eating disorder, and while I’m not trying to say that you have one, I would tell you that, if you’re struggling with your feelings about food and your body (i) it’s not about being strong or having willpower or whatever; (ii) you deserve a life without this guilt and depression; and (iii) it is possible to find your way to a life where your relationship with food is okay. I got there and I truly believe that with the right treatment, almost everyone can.

       Anyway, evangelistic peptalk over. Short version is: please accept this internet hug. I’ve been there.

    2. I make air popped popcorn. Fills me up and almost no calories. That way, I can binge without blimping out. I recommend it very highly if you must eat.

    3. I don’t have any help to offer, but just sympathy. Therapy sounds like a good idea. I’m sure you can get through this!

    4. *Hugs* This is a really, really hard place to be. I was a binger turned binger-and-purger. I felt like I had no control over myself and absolutely hated myself for it. The more I tried to control my eating, the more I binged, and it felt like I was trapped in a never-ending cycle. My friends had a hard time understanding why I couldn’t just stop the behavior.

       For me, the solution was therapy. I had a full-blown eating disorder by the time I went to see someone, and I wish I would have started seeing someone earlier. I was in the midst of an incredibly stressful family situation and took all of my emotions out on my body. Not a good thing.

       My therapist recommended two books that I found helpful: It’s Not About Food (a bit on the spiritual side) and Intuitive Eating, which felt like it was written specifically for me.

       One short-term thing that helped me was acknowledging my feelings if I knew I was about to binge. I would actually say out loud “I am feeling very stressed right now” and take a deep breath. Articulating how I felt removed some of my desire to binge.

       I second what cbackson said about having a life where your relationship with food is okay (and everything else she said, actually). I know it might be hard to believe, but you can get to that place.

34. anonymousy – I also hear great things about cog therapy. Take care.

    Just wanted to thank those who suggested etsy for a new ID bad lanyard/tag. I bought this incredibly beautiful antique bead/pear one and instead of a raggedy, tattered ID I’m now carrying a lovely piece of jewelry. Inordinately pleased w/this, and thanks for the recs!

    http://ny-image1.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.202997273.jpg

35. meant antique ‘pearl’ although antique pear would be interesting…

    1. I wondered!

36. Do y’all have any recommendations about online will services? I have some friends who asked if I have a recommendation for a lawyer to draft their will. They don’t really have any assets, though, and I’m guessing are mostly wanting a will to specify who they want to take care of their new baby. I was thinking it wouldn’t really make sense for them to pay a minimum of $500 for such a simple will, so I plan to recommend a form online. Any thoughts?

    1. You should be able to find a local estates & trust attorney who will do a simple will, taking into consideration the state laws, for that price range or less. that seems high. My husband and I had both our wills, POA, medical POAs etc… for not much more than that.

       1. How do you find a local attorney who does wills and, more importantly, is good?

          1. Word of mouth is usually the best way to go.

    2. The online will forms are not reliable. I used one once when I was trying to do some research for a corporate client (the client was thinking of acquiring the online will company) and they put in lots of extraneous stuff. I can do simple wills for a couple for less than $300. If you are a lawyer, ask around for other lawyers who can recommend someone.

37. Mini-rant!

    Transitioned to new position and have a person one my team who is very senior, but literally has had three screw ups this week! Really trying not to start out the relationship on a negative, but Come on!!!! I don’t think em is being malicious, or trying to force my hand, but I am torn between letting it go, and paying more attention to em, which could chafe, mentioning it to my boss, but letting it go, or mentioning to ’em, and crapping on the relationship from the start…….

    1. What’s with this “em” – gender neutral pronoun I’ve never heard of?

       Onto your issue – is this person senior to you or just quite senior?

       1. I read “em” like a person … as in Emily.

          If the person is senior to you, I’d be extra careful since you are new!

       2. em – being gender neutral

          Senior in years practicing but my direct report

    2. Yeah I really cannot understand your comment, and I’m not a grammar nazi or anything.

       1. How long have you guys been on message boards? You’ve never seen the gender neutral em???

          Person reports to me, but has been practicing much longer than I have. I am senior (level and years at company) in the department, and em now reports to me. Em has had three screw ups since becoming my direct report. I really have three options:
          1 – I can say nothing and hope the screwing stops – this would preserve the peace, but if the screw ups continue, I have nothing documented. But I really don’t want to have to micromanage!
          2 – I can mention it to my boss, but say nothing to em. Boss would know, but still leaves the documentation issue; or
          3 – I can bring them to em’s attention, which documents the issue, but will have the likely effect of crapping on the relationship, as em already has issues because em reports to me, and not the other way around.

          1. Never heard of “em” so thanks for the clarification. As to what to do about this person, I would have a chat with them and give them a chance to explain, perhaps they’re having an off week. #2 is a HUGE no no and I don’t see how ignoring will solve anything. Don’t make this about “look how many mistakes you’ve made this week” make it about “I know you know how to do this so I just wanted to make sure everything is okay with you.”

          2. I’ve never seen “em” used as a gender neutral pronoun either, and I studied gender neutral pronouns in school, so it’s not as universal as you think.

             What kinds of “screw ups” are we talking about? Major things? Minor? I’d make a point of meeting with each of your new reports one on one as a way of starting things off; that way you’re not singling this person out. As part of that meeting, I’d ask what led to each of these things, ask for this person’s take on the outcomes of these “screw ups,” and ask what “em” thinks is the best way to handle such things in the future to minimize the chances of mistakes.

             A note: as a manager, if you are convinced that giving any negative feedback or constructuve criticism is goin to “crap on the relationship,” then it absolutely will. If being convinced of this is going to leave you thinking that the best way to handle an issue with an employee is to talk to your boss(!) before you say anything to the employee (that is completely inappropriate, by the way), then doubly so. Have you taken any management tranining classes? I’d suggest that you ask for one pronto. Being able to give constructive criticism appropriately, and learn how to manage a team without running to your boss, is a key part of management, and you seem to be missing it.

          3. Three screw-ups in one week == someone having a really bad week. If this is causing concern, talk to the person *GENTLY*, ask them what is going on this week. You will only crap on the relationship if you are ham-handed or insensitive. People do make mistakes. People do have bad weeks. It may have nothing to do with you. Your job, as a manager, is to figure out what’s going on without overreacting. Going to your boss would show that you’re unable to manage your own team; it would reflect badly on you, possibly more so than the other person.

             BTW, I’ve been on messageboards for over a decade now and have never heard of em. Sounds like a shortened version of “them.”

38. Has anyone tried a Clarisonic? http://www.clarisonic.com/. I’ve heard good things, but it’s pretty expensive, so I’m wondering how if it’s worth it.

39. Okay ladies…I need your advice/permission.

    What do people think of this purse? Is Cole Haan good quality/worth the money? Am I insane for thinking about spending this much on a green purse?

    http://www.zappos.com/product/7792455/color/91319

    I technically have enough left in my monthly “allowance” for clothes and other non-essentials to buy it…but I have a lot of trouble getting past the Irish-catholic guilt on this one. ;-)

    1. It’s great quality … if you have the allowance left, buy it. Don’t let the guilt get you down!!

    2. LOVE this bag!! If I had the $ I’d buy it right now too. Seems very classic!

    3. Beautiful bag. Sign up for email at colehaan.com and they will probably send you a coupon.

40. Regular poster here, but a little embarrassed about what I’m about to say … which is that I sometimes feel like everyone around me is getting engaged and married having children and anniversaries … basically doing big things with their lives, and I’m just not there yet. I feel like I just work and go to school–at least, I will until graduation in May. I have a wonderful boyfriend (who is also in school), but have always wanted to finish school and be self-supporting before getting engaged/married.

    So how do you deal with the terrible “left behind” feeling? I don’t want to get married tomorrow or even in the next few months, and I don’t want to consider children until well after that, but one more engagement notice on Facebook and I swear I’m going to lose it.

    1. No advice but hugs. I’ve been feeling the same way and have been beating myself up for (i) the jealous “left behind” feeling and (ii) feeling that my life isn’ t complete until I am engaged/married (logically, I know that is insane). Lately, I also find myself skipping social events because I can’t bear to hear another word about so and so’s wedding, engagement, shower, baby bump, etc. I’m not happy about that it’s come to that but I need to do what works for me and keeps me positive about my life. I also take a deep breath, remind myself that I have a great job, great friends and a great boyfriend and that together we are building “our story”. I know it’s cheesy but the idea of building “our story” really comforts me when I hear about the umpteenth engagement in a space of two weeks.

    2. Just keep in mind that it’s not a race. Your life is not incomplete because you aren’t engaged by X age or starting a family by Y age. It’s much better to wait until it’s the right time for you by your own standards than to be pressured into it by family and friends who feel like at a certain age you should be hitting specific milestones. I do not plan on getting married and have to have Very Serious Conversations about it with people in a regular basis, as if it is really any of their business if I have decided it is not for me.

       When I was in my early and mid-twenties I thought I could be happily married, but now I am in my mid-thirties and realize I just have no desire whatsoever. I see a lot of my friends who are pretty well settled at a young age wishing they had a bit more flexibility, so there’s a possibility that a few years down the road that they’ll be just as jealous of you as you are of them!

    3. Think of it this way…if you wait until you are settled and self-supporting before marriage, you may very well be getting married as your friends who hurried into marriage are getting divorced. There is no “right” time to be doing these things or “right” speed to do them at! In fact, people who hurry into these things or feel pressured to do these things when they’re not ready frequently are unhappy.

       I had/have a slightly similar thing, my (now) fiance and I were dating for about 3.5 years before we got engaged and then we planned a wedding one and a half years later. This drove his mother absolutely to distraction, she really felt we should be getting married sooner. But there was just NO way that I was going to plan a wedding while I was still in law school or studying for the bar.

       And now, we both have good, well-paying jobs that allow us to pay for more than half of the wedding. And we don’t have to worry too much about finding all the cheapest options for our wedding or fighting with my parents about cost or anything. And when we do choose to have kids, we’ll have plenty saved up. Basically, by waiting to be truly established and ready, everything is going a lot smoother.

       Don’t know if this helps, but just adding my moral support. I think that anyone that is telling you the “right” way these things are supposed to happen don’t pay enough attention to reality!!!

    4. I don’t have any advice on how to deal with the terrible left behind feeling because I’m going through the same thing except it’s my career that’s stalled. Everyone I know is starting a business/getting promoted, etc. I’m struggling so bad. I can only say that everyone’s idea of success is something different. *shakes head*

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