Weekend Open Thread

308 Comments

1. I really love this dress, but I hate that it’s final sale.
   Is anyone familiar with this brand vis a vis fit, quality, etc.?

   1. It’s hard to take a leap on something >$X when it’s final sale. $X for me being over $30 unless I’m certain it’s going to work.

   2. I have a few things from Susana Monaco. She used to be a swimwear designer, I believe, and her fabrics usually have stretch in them and a tendency to cling to every curve (this can be good or bad, depending on the desired effect) no matter what size you order! The fabric itself is a pleasant thickness, though, and her colors are usually very nice & rich looking in person.

      1. It looks like this dress would emphasize any extra belly.

         1. Yes. I was thinking this dress would be perfect if you didn’t plan on eating anything all day long.

      2. Thanks, Cat! That’s very helpful.
         I may just pull the trigger — I have a lot of wedding (and engagement parties, etc.) coming up this summer, and this looks like it will be quite versatile and handy!

         1. Do it! Its so cute but wouldn’t look right in my size (if it even existed), so buy it and let me live vicariously through you!

2. Happy Easter, Kat and all Corporettes!

   1. Happy Easter, AE!

3. How do you know if you have a genuine problem with anxiety/depression, or if you just need an attitude adjustment?

   I feel so blah about my life right now and like I’m just going through the motions. Get up, get myself and DS ready, drop kiddo off at daycare, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, play with kiddo, put him to bed, do chores, and finally, maybe, time to myself about 45 minutes before bedtime. Nothing feels joyful; it’s all just one big grind. I love my child. I love my husband. I like my job most of the time. But I’m constantly disappointed or pissed off at the little things that don’t go well at home or work. I’m angry that I rarely get to have fun on MY terms. (I realize this is part of being a parent of a young child, but Introverted Me is really suffering from the lack of time and space for my own thoughts.) I’m in a crappy mood way too often, and I can tell it’s really bugging my DH. He’s started tip-toeing around my moods, and it breaks my heart that he feels like he has to do that. And I’m so angry at myself for not being able to suck it up and enjoy my life, which by most measures, is actually pretty great.

   Has anyone else been there? How did you get through it?

   1. It sounds to me like it is worth going to a therapist. That fact that little things are getting you and that your husband is tip-toeing around means there’s something going on. The whole issue with anxiety and depression is that you CAN’T just suck it up. You need new coping strategies and perhaps meds. A therapist can likely help with both (even if he/she can’t prescribe, they will point you in the direction of someone who can).

      1. Also, if you don’t click with the first therapist you try, try another! A professional won’t take it personally. Taking time to go to therapy seems like a lot of effort but if you don’t have your mental health…

         1. I totally agree with K’s point. You need to find someone you click with on a visceral level. I once saw a very well qualified therapist who happened to remind me in innocuous ways of a relative I didn’t trust. I kept telling myself I was being silly, but ultimately, the sessions proved to be a waste of money because part of me didn’t want to trust her. I should have immediately found a new therapist – the process of selecting a therapist is not the time to work out your personal quirks and experiences.

      2. I know this isn’t popular to admit, but I hope I can figure this out without resorting to meds. The side effects, like gaining weight and lack of libido, are pretty unappealing. Also, I’m afraid that if I go on them, I might end up needing them forever. And that would mean something is really, really wrong with me. (Believe me, I know that’s a seriously messed-up thought.)

         1. There’s no reason that that should be unpopular to admit! Meds have been immensely helpful for those that really need them, but that doesn’t mean that they are always necessary. I would urge you to avoid any medical professional who wants to medicate you right away without trying other methods first (and there are, unfortunately, a lot of medical professionals like that).

         2. Oh honey, I felt the same way. I put off getting help while feeling increasingly badly for a couple years, spiraling down and down because I was afraid of admitting I had a problem I couldn’t control and because I DID NOT WANT meds. I was so successful at everything else in my life, of course I could just power through this too. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I just got worse (while clutching to my facade), and when I finally hit bottom and broke down, it took a lot longer to climb out. In retrospect, it was really stupid of me to not seek help earlier, but I was clinging to my facade of “being ok” and really didn’t want to surrender that. And at the time, I couldn’t think straight – my fears were so magnified.

            Two points 1- therapists vary in their philosophy on meds: some usually prescribe, some sometimes do. If ‘no meds’ is important to you, then say that. No one can force you to take anything, but burying your head in the sand to avoid knowing whether they could help you is only hurting you. I understand being so afraid of side effects – I felt that way too. For me though, I said “side effects” but what I really meant was “loss of control, admitting I had a problem I couldn’t fix myself.” That’s what I was really afraid of. You and your family deserve to live a full, happy life again.

            2- You probably won’t need meds forever. I was on meds for a year. I tried one, had terrible side effects for me, and switched to another after a few weeks which I tolerated much better. And suddenly it was like the clouds parted, I could put things into perspective, and feel kinda ok through my day. About a year into the meds and after lots of therapy, I was feeling good again. I talked to my doctor and we got me off the meds. I’ve been med free for about 2 years and I feel great. For many people, meds are like a cast – your brain is broken right now, so it needs support while it gets treated and heals.

            Right now, you lack perspective. Your brain is imbalanced chemically, and so your fears seem so much more likely and so much scarier than they really are. I remember feeling that way and how intense it was. Therapy, and meds if appropriate, can help you regain your footing. It sounds like something is really wrong ALREADY. Please get help. You will soon know that there’s a way back to feeling good again, and that you’re on your way. I promise.

            *hugs*

      3. I don’t have depression, but I do suffer from social anxiety. I especially get sort of paralyzed in times of conflict.

         I saw a therapist and they prescribed something called serzone. It’s very mild and, in fact, I take less than the prescribed dose. But it makes me chatty and braver in social situations. And within a week of starting on it, my mom told me that she hadn’t seen me like this since I was a child

         Apparently, when I was a little girl, I was chatty and friendly and then I’d sort of retreated into myself.

         So, while I understand that you don’t want to take any meds, sometimes they make you more like the real you.

         I will say, though, that everytime I change doctors they suggest switching to a traditional med for depression like xanax or celexa and I have to tell them that I’m not depressed. I have a specific anxiety problem and that’s why I take serzone.

   2. I agree. You seem to have what all women want– a job, a husband and a family, yet it is still difficult to balance all of the competing interests that play out every day. Personally, I only have a job, but no husband and no boyfriend and obviously no children. I would love to have 1 or 2 kids, but I do not want to go it alone. The problem is that most guys are not interested in a committed relationship, even though they are more than willing to have meaningless sex. But that is not for me. So I too have a dilemma, because I want to have a man there for me when I get home at night after a long day at work, both to soothe my nerves as well as to talk to. He would also be there for our children and to be a good role model. So far, I have been unable to find such a guy. I think when we Corporette’s get together here, we can at least air our issues and get some feedback. So we cheer you on, and others cheer me on and we get through each day, thanks to Kat. Hang in there–things will be better!

      1. And hang in there, too, Laura! Kat recently posted on dating when you’re busy. I eventually met someone who’s just the kind of support that you describe through eHarmony, so that’s one option if you have limited time (and limited patience – the guys that I met all seemed fairly serious about meeting someone for long-term commitment). At any rate, the Corporette community will always be here for you!

      2. You’re not alone – I’m in the same position. Have faith – we’ll find someone eventually.

      3. same position here – and while I appreciated Kat’s article on dating with a busy schedule, I didn’t really feel like most of it was helpful since I just don’t do well with online dating. I appreciate it works for others but it does take a lot of time and I just don’t feel like I respond to it at all. But I may change my mind and give it another shot. . . mostly I’m trying to make time for activities I enjoy because I feel more myself and natural than in a prescribed “DATING” forum that feels pressure laden.

         1. I’m with you on the online route. I tried and tried and tried, but I got religiously incompatible guys on one site and old/creepy guys on another (no questionable, scantily-clad photos on my profile). I’m just doing stuff I like to do now, which includes running & fitness endeavors and other activities that sound interesting. Even walking my dog in the neighborhood increases the social interactions to spur my friendliness. I’ve also realized what my parts were in boyfriends’ decisions to end things (without interrogating them directly, of course), kind of by asking myself “Would you want to date you (or be in a relationship, hang out, etc.)?” If objectively not, I needed to change in the off-putting areas, and I have.

   3. I agree with K, therapy could be good. But so could finding some self time in that day. My mood is much better when I carve out some time for myself. Sometimes it’s exercise, or a meal with a friend, or a pedicure and US weekly, but every week I need an hour or two devoted 100% to myself. I bet if you told DH that, he might be willing to help you achieve that, especially because your moods are hurting your relationship.

      But therapy would be good too, especially if your ennui is not easily resolvable by learning all the details of Reese Witherspoons marriage.

   4. When I first went to therapy I learned that my constantly elevated level of irritation and generalized anger at the world were classic symptoms of depression. I did not recognize them as such because I always thought depression was just being sad and crying all the time. My therapists have also said that depression is a lack of pleasure and joy in your life. I benefited greatly from medication, and that sense of anger at the world for making me feel like an alien on my home planet has gone. You might get a boost from just therapy. Either way, there is no shame in having a nice life but not enjoying it. Depression is an organic condition that occurs in the brain. It is manageable and even curable. Good luck!

      1. Yes, this. I was in a similar situation as the OP (husband, small child, job) with added stress of Mother w/ cancer. Same manifestation as LTG — anger and constant irritation. Finally saw a shrink who (1) told me it was depression and (2) prescribed Cymbalta for me. I {heart} Cymbalta.

         Midwest, if you are worried about the meds making you “less you” or changing “you” in some way — it doesn’t. In fact, on Cymbalta, I feel more like “me” than I have felt in a long time. The meds don’t cure the problem (husband, small child, job, mother with cancer), but they certainly go a long way in helping me be at a rational (non-irritated, non-angry) place where I can respond to the stressors. HTH.

      2. This has been enlightening to me. I always think of depression as deep, dark sadness. I’ve never thought of it manifesting itself in constant irritation.

   5. I don’t have a husband nor a child and probably not a lot of advice but just wanted you to know I feel for you and the frustration and pain you are in right now. Maybe you can tell your husband what you’ve said here (it’s so well put) – you are great, the kid is great, the job is fine, and I hate that I’m feeling blah about this and not as joyful as I think I should be. I agree with K about seeing a counselor or therapist. I know introverts recharge from time alone, and it’s no surprise that your lack of that is making you feel spent and exhausted. I look forward to reading other Corporettes’ advice and wish peace and joy for you this weekend.

   6. Yes, please do go talk to someone. I think depression and anxiety manifests differently in everyone, and everyone gets through it in different ways, but K is right — you can’t just “suck it up,” perhaps because there is a real chemical imbalance going on.

      A lot of people shun therapy because they say they “don’t need it.” To me, going to therapy is like going to the gym: you can still be in good shape and go to the gym anyway, even if you don’t “need” to. It’s all part of taking care of yourself.

      1. first and foremost.

         I was diagnosed with manic depression when I was a teenager, though I only took meds for a few months, and then attended therapy for a little while longer. But since then, I have not had to return to either. But as a result – I am very aware of when I seem to be sinking into low energy or emotional swings for an extended period of time. The last time that happened was four years ago – I had a good job, had just been admitted to a dream law school, was with dream fiance (who is still my wonderful, perfect, beloved SO), and had tons of friends… but I was just going through the motions. I wasn’t even necessarily actively unhappy – I was depressed, and it kept getting worse. But when I came to law school – it stopped, and it hasn’t come back since. Looking back on this experience and other similar “lows,” I think that the change of environment and being thrust into a fast-paced, always changing world was really healthy for me, and helped move me out of my depression. I think whenever things get too settled and repetitive and I have a chance to get inside of my own head, it triggers thoughts that trigger my depression.

         That’s my experience – maybe it will seem familiar to you. I don’t know how to deal with it if this does sound familiar to you — I am TERRIFIED that when I graduate in a month and settle in a job in the fall, the same thing will happen again, and I won’t have law school/other change on the horizon to fix it. But perhaps the shift need not be so extreme — maybe a new hobby might do the trick, consciously seeking new friends, planning a vacation that you can look forward to and be distracted by and get pumped up about…

         But if things do not start to ameliorate — go talk to someone! Before putting you on meds, they will at least be able to walk you through options they have seen work with other people suffering from depression.

         1. The “first and foremost” was supposed to be: “first and foremost: HUG.” :)

         2. In a nod to how everyone is different, it was the fast-paced, ever-changing environment that sent me reeling. :) Having a steady routine is what allows me to forego the therapy and meds without any ill effects. AnonAnon33 is also right that recognizing when you are starting to sink into a bad place is SO helpful.

         3. I think it’s great that you’ve found what triggers your depression and have been so successful at keeping it at bay, Anon33.

            Like you, a fast-paced environment/situation has been welcome and needed at certain points in my life. Right now, the constant stimulation has just become too much. I feel like I’m trying to please everyone, all the time, and failing miserably. And the sad thing is, I’m not even going above and beyond. I’m just barely keeping up with my responsibilities despite not taking many breaks.

      2. I really love your “gym” analogy, K. After my experiences, I am a firm believer that everyone in the world would benefit from a bit of therapy. Just like going to the gym! To avoid hypocrisy, I guess that means I should get back to the gym then :).

   7. I am not a psychologist, but FWIW it does not sound to me like you have a genuine problem with depression or anxiety. It sounds like you need some time off followed by a change in routine.

      Could you take a short vacation without DS and with DH or close female friend(s)? Would it be possible and appeal to you to go to a resort or B&B for at least 2-3 nights to have a change of scenery and recharge? Afterwards, can DH take on more of the chores on the weekdays and/or weekends so that you can (to make this most effective you probably should get out of the house or find some sanctuary in your home and lock the door) and have some time and space to yourself?

      1. I certainly don’t know, so I’m not saying that she shouldn’t get checked out, but it seems possible to me that this is just a sleep issue (or rather, a lack of good/enough sleep issue). I’ve certainly seen her symptoms go along with chronic tiredness.

         Perhaps making a strict commitment to getting at least 8 hours for a week or two might make a difference? Either way, it couldn’t hurt to try.

   8. The feelings you’re describing are some of the criteria used to diagnose depression (especially “nothing feels joyful”). Here’s a questionnaire that might be useful in figuring out whether this is just the stress of having a full-time job and a young kiddo, or something more.

      http://muskie.usm.maine.edu/clinicalfusion/DHHS/phq9.pdf

      This isn’t a measure that gives a definite diagnosis, but might give you something concrete to discuss with your doctor or a potential therapist. And it sounds like that might be something worth doing. You should be able to enjoy your life, more often than not!

      Like everyone else has said, you can’t just suck it up and make it go away. If you could, you’d have done so already. A therapist can provide a different perspective, new skills, and help you figure out how to feel better.

   9. I just wanted to say that I get where you’re coming from and frequently feel the same way. My life is pretty great, but I have times where something is bothering me and I don’t know how to make it better and there is nothing that I can think of to do that appeals to me or would make me feel better. I haven’t gone to a therapist for it, in part because I still feel like it’s not such a big deal, and in part because I went to a therapist in college when I actually had concrete things I was upset about and found her pretty unhelpful. I know that there are better therapists out there, it’s just hard to get the motivation.

      I’ve had two episodes where I’ve told my sig other how I’m feeling. At least he knows that he didn’t do something to make me feel that way.

   10. I’ve so been there. Please see a therapist. You may or may not need meds. Just talking with someone with an outside perspective may be enough. Heck, just taking 50 minutes a week to focus on yourself sounds like it would help in your situation.

       And if you do need meds, you may only need them temporarily to get through this rough patch. I know plenty of people who have started them and gone off them after a while, once they get through whatever it was they were going through.

       I was initially resistant to taking them too, but when I did, once they kicked in, it was nothing short of miraculous for me. So this is what normal feels like! This is how other people have energy! This is why other people care about stuff! It was like the gravity well that had been pinning me down and crushing me was suddenly turned off.

       I actually had to go through a time of mourning for all the time I lost, just waiting for things to get better. I figured I was unhappy because my life sucked, and when it got better I would feel better. Well, life got better and I didn’t feel any better, and that’s when I finally sought help. If only I’d done it at 21 instead of 31.

       1. I felt that way too – I thought I was unhappy because I was in law school and law school sucks, but then life got better and I was still unhappy. Meds lifted the veil and I no longer wondered why other people seemed so content with their lives. Now I wish I had gone on meds years earlier, so I could have spent that time being happy instead of miserable. I could have done so many things in those years but I couldn’t because depression held me back. Meds are not the answer for everyone, and I too was resistant at first. I may have to be on them forever, or until I just cannot stand the side effects anymore. I wish it were not so, but I try think of it as just another minor chronic illness. I will already have to take asthma meds for the rest of my life so I am perhaps more used to the idea than others.

   11. Regardless of whether you suffer from depression or anxiety you could probably benefit from a little therapy (like every one else in this world). I too hate the idea of meds unless they are absolutely necessary – not every therapist will want to prescribe them. Therapy can, among other things, help you reevaluate how you interact with your world, weed out some damaging (and often irrational) thought processes, clarify what your goals in life are and teach you to live happily in the moment. I think these inquiries are as or more important to do on a regular basis than going to the gym.

       1. I think this is what I need most.

   12. I’ve been there (go there regularly), and I honestly don’t know how I get through it. Somehow things tend to click with me (around spring time when the weather warms up and there is more daylight) and I get enough juice to take me through the fall when it happens again, without fail. I’ve tried meds, light therapy, self help, cognitive behavior, talk, psychoanalytic, group, everything, and I can’t seem to shake the blahs until beach season is on the horizon. As an introvert, I find I feel better when I can sit in the sun alone and read or write for about an hour a day, several days a week, which is just not possible when the sun goes down at 6.

       I’m sure that’s not much help, but at least know you aren’t alone.

       1. Sorry to hear about your situation. Is there any way you can go somewhere warm or close to the Southern Hemisphere at least for a couple weeks during the dark months?

   13. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to anyone who has responded. I’m giving a lot of thought to your suggestions and will keep you posted on what I decide to do.

   14. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. As said by others, finding a good counselor/therapist is helpful. For me, meds were the real solution, but it took four tries to find the right one. It’s a long road, and it feels like it will take forever to feel better, but taking that first step to find help – whatever that means – is huge.

       Luckily, I don’t have side effects like weight gain. (I’m already low libido girl, so not sure I can say whether I “have” that side effect! I still am intimate with my husband and enjoy it, just maybe not as often as he’d prefer.) My point is that if you decide meds, either short term or long term, are a good solution for you, you may need to try a few before you find what works.

       I find that talking to my husband is also very helpful. I try to be really honest about what I’m feeling. It’s not fair that he has to be around me when I’m “down,” but telling him what’s going on and allowing him to help makes both of us feel better.

       Good luck!

       1. Lexapro has done wonders for me. My brother put it best: we are living in an UNNATURAL state with technology and computers so of course so many people are anxious and out of sorts.

   15. You need to have time for yourself, and time for you and your husband together. Sit down with him and make a plan. Twice a week you get to go to a yoga class, go for a bike ride, read a book with a glass of wine, whatever it is that you do to relax. And twice a week he gets to do something for him. And twice a month you two hire a sitter and go on a date, or you put the kid to bed and have a date at home. These three things – time for you, time for him, and time for you and him together – need to be a priority if you want your selves and your marriage to be healthy.

       It also doesn’t sound like you’re getting much exercise. I’d suggest that at least one if not both of your “you” times should be exercise.

       1. By the way, I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think you need meds or counseling. What you’re describing is totally normal for a working mother of a young child. What you need is to take care of yourself and of your marriage.

          1. I agree with eponine. I had the same situation and it wasn’t depression, but overwork and anger. Yes, anger can lead to depression but in my case it was not enough sleep, not enough “me” time and a husband who didn’t pull his weight, which hurt the marriage. (Not sure if that’s the case for you.) Regardless of the cause, it is destructive and could lead to depression if not corrected.

             A housekeeper, takeout food and babysitters are part of the solution if you are bearing too much of a burden.

          2. Eponine said exactly what I was going to say – you sound like you are resentful that you have little time for yourself and you need to prioritise getting some of this time back. Remember all the things that you used to enjoy – write them down e.g. Yoga, running, rock climbing, reading, palying computer games..whatever they are and then start thinking about how you can re-integrate these things back into your life using the technique that Eponine has described above.

             I used to feel tremendously guilty about having ‘me time’, but the guilt wore off once I saw the dividends it paid.

       2. This.

          When I read this part of your post:

          “Get up, get myself and DS ready, drop kiddo off at daycare, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, play with kiddo, put him to bed, do chores, and finally, maybe, time to myself about 45 minutes before bedtime”

          I thought “no wonder she’s angry and unhappy, she’s working full time and, from what I can tell, doing all the work at home.”

          I don’t know if you need therapy or meds, but I think you need to carve out a couple of evenings a week where your husband makes dinner, cleans up, plays with the kiddo, puts him to bed, and does chores while you work out or do something that revitalizes you. Can I suggest engaging in your “you activity” outside of the house so you don’t get sucked back into the routine of being the primary caregiver for your child (and house)?

          And even if your husband is sharing the workload, I agree with Eponine that you should each get an evening or two “off” completely so you can recharge. Schedule it–Tuesday is my yoga night, Thursday is your softball night . . . and make sure that when you get back from yoga, you aren’t cleaning up any leftover mess from dinner.

          1. I completely agree with this! I think it would be a great idea for you and your husband to get a night ‘off’ a week. Maybe getting a massage, working out, going to a book store, etc.

   16. Do you have any time for exercise? It may be really tough with a small child, but for me, it makes a huge difference in my mood. Even yoga or a long walk (as part of the commute to the office?) helps put things in perspective.

       Also, I recently discovered that removing refined wheat flour and sugar from my diet improves my mood 100%. And, Trader Joe’s has wheat free pasta, so quick & easy dinners don’t have to be a thing of the past.

       1. You make a good point. I joined a gym a couple of months ago, and what I’ve noticed is the psychological benefits, not so much the physical benefits (as in losing weight). It has surprised me how much it helps me sleep better (the first night I went to the gym was the first night in months I hadn’t taken something to help me sleep) and how it makes me feel better, more balanced maybe, in my outlook.

4. This is for the lawyer corporettes. Yesterday was my County Bar Association’s Law Day. The Family Law section has a presentation by “Legends of the Family Bar.” It was made up of attorneys who had been in practice a looooooong time. They discussed the changes they had seen in family law since they started.

   One of the Legends was a lady who went to law school in the 1960s. One of only 6 women in her class at Penn. Despite the school’s best efforts, she graduated and passed the bar. Since no one would hire her, she started her own law practice. These are some of the things she had to go through at first:

   1. A female clerk told her she couldn’t walk a file through because she wasn’t an attorney and only they could walk files through.

   2. At her first hearing, the Master asked her in open court, in front of her client if she was an attorney.

   3. Two weeks later the same Master asked her the same question again in open court in front of her client. That time she answered yes, then asked to approach the bench. She then told the Master that he knew she was an attorney since he had asked the same question 2 weeks ago, she doubted he asked male attorneys that questions and that if he did it again she would report him. She never got questioned again.

   After the presentation, I went up and thanked her. Because of her standing her ground, I don’t have to explain that yes, I am an attorney.

   1. On a related note, I am a general surgeon. As has been reported in the NYTimes and other popular press, we’ve had a huge controversy related to sexist language in the last few weeks. Lazar Greenfield, who is a titan in the field of general surgery and who by all rights has championed to progress of women in surgery, and was the president elect of the American College of Surgeons, wrote an editorial in one of our journals, that was, as my husband coined it, a “breezy mix of soft science and sexism.” It was not an overtly awful editorial — just kind of lame and heterosexist and very unfunny.

      The community exploded — all the subgroups of the ACS asked for him to step down, which he did. We were discussing why this editorial, which honestly was not awful, was so incendiary, with my chairman who was intimately involved in this issue. He told a story of when he was training as a resident, and the favorite joke among the faculty towards female residents, which was “well, I’ve been told I can’t sexually harass you, so I guess I’ll have to go home and beat my wife.” He said that attitude was rampant and unending 30 years ago, and it was those women, who were the subject of so much abuse and who never had enough power in that system, who finally said “ENOUGH” in this circumstance. It made me so greatful, because even though I think being a female surgeon has it’s challenges, I have had nothing but support and gender-blind treatment from my mentors. We have come so far.

      Sorry for the ramble, but I’ve been thinking of this all week and this is my venue to share such musings.

      1. I read that article and I didn’t think it was sexist, just in incredibly poor taste and exhibiting poor judgment (and creepy).

      2. Thanks for the narrative! I’m a lawyer trying to get into med school this year, so I’ve been reading a lot of medical journalism to gain insight into the culture. I had wondered why the editorial (which I found unfunny and odd but pretty benign) caused such a huge controversy. Your explanation makes it all make so much more sense. On that note, I always really enjoy your inputs here on working in medicine and surgery as a woman.

   2. This is a lovely story. My personal idol is Judge Pauline Newman of the Federal Circuit, who graduated with a law degree in 1958 from NYU, who shared the following similar anecdotes when I met her recently:

      1. There were five women in her class at NYU. This was to meet the quota, of 3% women per class.

      2. No firm would hire her, even though she was ranked in the top 10 students when she graduated. Now when attorneys from those firms come to argue before her, she reminds them jokingly. She ended up working in house at the chemical company doing patent work — partly because patent law was considered beneath most star male attorneys and most white shoe firms at the time.

      3. She also had a PhD in Chemistry from Yale after working in the Chemicals industry with her degree from Vassar. One of her classmates at Vassar, the daughter of then Secretary of the Treasury Henry Morgenthau, chose to attend Harvard for law school (one of their 3% quota). She couldn’t get a law firm job either, nor the chance to clerk, even with her massive personal connections.

      1. Judge Newman is awesome; so jealous you got to meet her.

      2. I used to be a Staff Attorney at the Federal Circuit. Judge Newman is awesome!

   3. I know that you said it was for lawyers, but I found your story to be compelling and evocative. Thanks for sharing.

   4. I am very grateful for all of the groundbreaking women who made life so much easier for me, be they attorneys, engineers, doctors, or women like my mom who worked a low-paying business-type job to feed her kids post-divorce. I vividly remember the sound of her clacking around the house in her heels every morning and gulping down her coffee before heading off to work.

      1. Agree! As a side note, after my parents divorce, my mom (a lawyer unwilling and unable to work private practice law hours with two kids) worked her way up from temporary legal secretary to vice president of legal affairs at a fortune 500 company. She did not do it the easy way, at all, and is a true testament to road that women walked not that long ago.

         1. That’s a wonderful story!

5. Has anyone added lighting to a small hall closet in a rental (so without electrical work)? I tried those tap lights but they accomplish nothing. TIA!

   1. Look at Ikea for options. We have a tiny plug in light disk over our sink from Ikea that throws a lot of light, and it was cheap. There were other options when we investigated.

   2. Home Depot has strip florescent lighting (we have it in our apt) that you just nail to the wall and plug in and it has a regular light switch. Its about a foot and half long and maybe 3 inches wide. You put some holes in the wall, but at least you can see!

   3. Look for something more substantial than those tap lights that’s meant to go under a cabinet to provide lighting over a sink. I had a couple that were battery-powered, had an on/off switch, and were maybe 10 inches long (although narrow).

      1. I had something very similar, it was from a reg. hardware store.
         It was very bright. All in all, about 10-12 inches in length. The only downside was it required a lot of batteries, and if you forgot to turn off the on/off switch, you had to buy a whole bunch of batteries pretty frequently. (This probably won’t be a problem, but I am very forgetful).

   4. Thanks guys, I’ll take a walk around Home Depot/Ikea sometime soon!

   5. I put a small lamp on a waist-high shelf that is to the left of my closet door, and it works great. The tap lights were a bit “flashlight-ish,” so I went with the lamp.

6. College reunion help!! I’ve my 15th year reunion next week and trying to figure out what to wear to the dinner/reception/thing. It’s heavy appetizers and open bar, at 7pm on a Saturday night. Would love to look great but not-like-I-tried-too-hard (isn’t that what everyone says about reunions?). Will likely be standing for much of the night, so 4 inch heels are out; the basic black dress seemed too frumpy and I’m not sure I could rock something maxi. Thoughts?

   1. Timely WSJ article this week about what to wear to reunions – http://on.wsj.com/g1yHAW

      What’s the venue? Generic ballroom, local restaurant, etc? If casual, jeans, boots, silky top with a pretty cardigan? If sort-of dressy, a great wrap dress with medium height heels?

      1. Ha, the article must have subconsciously rubbed off, as I just looked at the illustration again. Needless to say I agree with at least those suggestions :)

   2. At my 10th I wore a J crew dress, scoop neck with little belt details on the side, cap sleeve, just above knee, polished cotton in a bright coral color. I did wear heels, but brought flip flops for walking to/from. The color kept it from being blah, but it wasn’t too hoochie (I saw lots of fancy dresses that looked like trying too hard).

      Try Boden for something that not everyone will be wearing.

      1. I think Boden’s a great suggestion. I’m picturing something casual but very put-together, like a knee-length cotton jersey dress or an A-line, in a bright solid color. Add an interesting necklace or belt and sandals. Picture J. Crew meets Title 9. If you didn’t know, T9 sells some really cute casual dresses, in addition to all the athletic gear.

   3. Excellent question. My 10 year (high school) reunion is this summer and I’ve been wondering the same thing.

      1. everyone wears a wrap dress or donna-morgan/department-store style knee length cocktail dress, cute costume jewelry. the sort of thing you’d wear to a wedding of someone you don’t know super well. pretty and adult. which isn’t to say that’s what you shoudl wear, too– be yourself– but that’s the vibe, that’s the canvas.

         drink, but not too much, be brave, and remember it’s all for fun, so enjoy. you’ve rocked these past years, now rock the night! :)

   4. For my 10-year high school reunion I splurged on my first DVF dress. It wasn’t a wrap dress but had a great colorful stripey pattern with ruching that was very flattering. It made me feel confident and helped me shove aside that high school feeling that crept in as soon as I walked in the ballroom. I ended up winning most changed female – which was a compliment for me since I was a 90s granola kid buried in oversized flannel and denim at all times with birks and rag wool socks.
      Basically, wear something you feel fabulous in. A great dress goes a long way for that.

7. How long do you spend preparing for an interview? How do you prepare?

   Also, any advice for dealing with INSANE nerves?

   thanks!

   1. It would be helpful to know what kind of employer you’re interviewing with and for what kind of job. Law firm? Company? My preparation has differed depending on the job and employer. Some pretty universal things to do: review the employer’s website, pretty comprehensively. At least know what areas they work in, things they make or do, locations, that kind of thing. Try to be familiar with a couple of recent successes they’ve had, particuarly in the area you want to work in. If you know who you’ll be interviewing with and they have bios on the website, definitely review those, and if there’s anything in their background you can connect with, memorize those tidbits and use them (even if it’s that they went to a rival school or something of that nature). If annual reports are online, definitely read the last couple and mention you did so — that always impresses.

      How long I spend preparing depends on how badly I want the job and how complex the company is. For my current job, which is without question my dream job and career goal, and which is with an incredibly broad and complex organization, I spent the equivalent of probably 3-4 days (i.e., 25-30 hours) during the course of the interviewing process (phone interview + 2-in person interviews, spread out over 8 weeks or so), and it absolutely paid off – they were impressed by how much I knew about the company going in.

      Good luck!

   2. I’ll definitely check back and see what other people write, because I’ve always wondered on this, too (BTW, one of my fav things on Corporette is the way people can ask about things that everyone seems to just know but I’ve always not really understood!), but here’s what I do:

      * Read the Potential Employer (PE)’s website in depth, take notes on what they do, what their focuses are, things that indicate the overall values (i.e., whether they mention things like tradition, technology, diversity, etc.), etc. Try to specifically look for things that you can mention that attracted you to the company, but beware of mentioning the site specifically in the interview- I’ve done that a few times only to be answered with a confused look by the interviewer, who apparently had no clue what was on the site.

      * Google the name of the PE and try to find anything that comes up about them- news stories, articles, etc. (Sometimes there are way too many, sometimes next to nothing).

      * If possible, learn as much as you can about the people interviewing you. If you don’t know who will interview you, at least learn about the person who you spoke to, and the people/section that they work in, if you can. Do this by reading bios on the website and googling them. Also look for connections to these folks- shared hobbies, shared schools, etc.

      * Make some notes, (which can be reviewed when you arrive too early for the interview and need to waste some time before you go in, like I always do) on what you want to make clear to the interviewer- your specific acomplishments and skills that make you a good candidate.

      * Make some notes on questions that you think might come up and consider (or even practice out loud) your responses, particularly about things that they might be concerned about.

      * Make a list of questions to ask the interviewer when they ask if you have any questions. (I know that some people bring in notebooks to take notes and have notes, but personally, I don’t like this. I just find that it’s easier to remember if I write it down and review it before I go in.)

      * Review your resume if you haven’t for a while (you don’t them to ask about something you didn’t even remember!) and print out some extra copies to have available in case they don’t have them ready.

      As for nerves, my best advice is to get their early (so you’re not rushed), be well prepared, be organized, manage your caffine intake, and take some deep breaths. I read an article the other day that stated that it is fine to tell the interviewer that you’re nervous (I’m not sure I’d agree, but it might help you work it out of your system). But I’d look for other people’s advice on it, as nerves are not a huge issue for me.

      GOOD LUCK!

      1. Keep in mind that YOU are also interviewing THEM. Not every job you interview for is one you’d want to accept. Somehow that helps me with nerves before interviews.

   3. I think a lot of people prepare by finding out as much as they can about the job itself and the job duties. However, in many cases an interview is about finding out whether you are a good fit for the organization. In that type of interview, you might be asked about hobbies and interests.

      I am pretty sure my General Counsel almost always asks what book interviewees are currently reading or have recently finished, and he hates it when he thinks people are trying to sound scholarly. He’d much rather someone admit to reading a trashy harlequin. He’s also the type who will ask about every hobby an interviewee mentions, so if they try to fake a hobby it’s not going to go well for them.

      1. As a former career counselor, my two cents. Be absolutely prepared to answer the following two questions:

         1. So tell me about yourself. It’s small talk usually at the start of the interview… don’t bore them with where you were born, that you were a high school cheerleader. That’s what they will remember. Instead, focus your answer on two or three qualitities you possess that are a good fit for the position. For example… I am so excited about this position because I interned in this area so I already have the experience you need. In addition, I really feel like my communication (insert skill here) skills are an excellent fit. That will only lead the interviewer to ask you about the internship.

         2. So why should I give you the job? Same answer as above… you have kept the interview focused on what you can bring to the table.

         Deep belly breathes on the nerves. Good luck.

8. I may be the last one to learn about the usefulness of hemming tape. It took me about 10 minutes to tweak a suit I hadn’t worn because I did not have time to go to the tailor. I used it to hem the pants and sleeves and close the gaping pockets. Any other uses for this wonderful product?

   1. I don’t know about other uses, but you just “reminded” me about it and gave me a couple uses! Thanks!

9. Hi All,

   I am a long-time poster here, but I thought I’d go anonymous with this one…

   I was recently diagnosed with MS and it has been verrrry difficult for me. Making it even harder, I don’t have any friends or family who have had experience with the disease, so it can feel quite alienating. Because MS often affects young women I thought I’d reach out to you all – any thoughts, comments or advice you might have are welcome. Please feel free to leave a note here or on my blog: http://www.missmultiplesclerosis.com/

   Love

   1. I am so, so sorry for what you must be going through — but please know that MS is often unpredictable, and so a diagnosis by itself may not be as grave as you think.

      I don’t have MS myself, but my father and my cousin both do. My father has been living with MS for forty years; his is remittent, and until I was a teenager, it was not something I even noticed! He had just a few lapses when I was a kid. Now that he is older, the lapses are sometimes worse and more frequent, but they have always been temporary (for example, he lost the use of his legs for a few days two years ago, but now rides his motorcycle again). While there certainly are a lot of physical challenges that my father has had to face, and he certainly is not in the kind of physical shape he otherwise might enjoy, I think the hardest part for him is the fear that things will deteriorate as he gets older. In his case, therapy has helped to some extent to deal with those fears – but even four decades in, he still has difficulties.

      My cousin’s MS is much more severe – she is in her early thirties, and at various times has been using a cane or even been in a wheelchair. But in her case, these have also been temporary. And many things that she thought would be impossible have turned out to be, well, possible – for example, she gave birth to a healthy little girl last year, without any complications to her MS.

      Everyone’s disease progresses in different ways – as a result, even though it’s hard to discuss, I think it might be helpful to let people in your life and at your workplace know. There are times when you might show up to work with some mobility issues or have to miss some work – so let your employer know what is going on! It is a scary disease, but one that more and more people have knowledge of (especially thanks to the West Wing) – it will be easier if your friends and family know so they can help you through this. I try and keep up with some advances in MS care – there are some trial treatments that are showing some promise (my father was on one that was making him feel better, but unfortunately had to go off the trial because the medications were interfering with his anti-depressants too much).

      As a sidenote, I’m running the Chicago Marathon in October to benefit the national MS society – I’ll be thinking of you, MissMS!

      1. My bro-in-law was diagnosed fairly recently. He’s on some meds that he takes (injection) daily. He hasn’t had any episodes since the two initial, fairly minor ones and seems to be doing fine. I echo much of what Carlynn said about letting people know, etc. (of course, be careful who you tell at work, it’s confidential and you don’t need people conciously or subconciously considering it when they deal with you).

         I’m sure there must be support groups out there. I’d start there. Good luck seems kind of lame to say, but I mean it sincerely. I can only imagine what you are dealing with.

   2. A very good friend of mine was diagnosed just last fall. Her symptoms started the week before her wedding. And now she’s having a baby – due in the fall.

      Originally, she wasn’t doing so well. She had a bad reaction to the spinal tap and had to skip her honeymoon, but now she’s doing much better.

   3. I’m so sorry. I know how much of a blow a life-altering diagnosis can be. But, we all make what we can of what we’ve got, and I wish you the best of luck.

   4. Hi Miss MS, I commend you on your desire to get info out there and help others. I have another autoimmune disease – celiac disease – but am very healthy and thankful.

      There’s a book that I read to help a friend with Rhuematoid Arthritis. It’s called “Women, Work, and Autoimmune Disease: Keep Working Girlfriend” by Rosalind Joffe and Joan Friedlander published 2008. It might be a good book to get from the library, as you may not need to read it more than once unless you want to pass it on to a friend.

      It’s good to be able to get drugs early. My friend with RA had to pay $500/month for her co-pay until she got better insurance.

      My best to you and keep blogging.

   5. Hi Ms. MS. I am a regular poster but I use a bunch of different monikers. I and it appears many other posters on this blog have Crohn’s disease, which is an autoimmune disease too. When I was first diagnosed, I found it really helpful to learn everything I could about the disease, health insurance, medical loopholes, etc. I can’t stress enough about how important it is to be your own advocate. If you live in a rural area, your doctor might just have 3 other MS patients on his or her case load. Find a specialist you click with. I always look for one that is okay with me doing my own research, discussing treatment options with me, advising me, but willing to still treat me if I choose a different option than he/she thinks is best.

      I found the forums at healingwell.com extremely helpful. I posted on the Crohn’s one constantly. At first, you will be the newbie getting advice. Then you will be the veteran giving the advice. I checked and they have an MS forum. I am not sure how active it is, but you should check it out.
      http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=32

      I also found the book “Don’t Let Your HMO Kill You” extremely helpful for dealing with my insurance company. I have won numerous appeals to get the treatment I need covered and paid for.

      Last, try to avoid any insurance plan that has co-insurance. Both Crohns and MS often require infused drugs. Infused drugs can cost $10k/infusion. Some plans consider each infusion a hospital admission instead of a rx so you are subject to the coinsurance. Coinsurance could make you have a $1,000 or $2,000 bill per month for your infusion.

      Best of luck.

   6. Hi Miss MS

      I’m one of the other Corporettes with Crohn’s. Another thing I’ve found extremely helpful is to get involved with a real-life organization that does support and fundraising for gastrointestinal diseases. As a result, I’ve built a really solid friend-base of people who have or who have close family members who have diseases similar to mine. It is unbelievably helpful to have people in your life who understand what you’re going through and to whom you can vent. MS (and other auto-immune diseases) are frequently “invisible”; having people who understand how you feel is so important. :-)

      Good luck Miss MS. I know how difficult it can be.

   7. Hey Miss MS- I recently rode in our local MS 150- its a huge bike tour to raise money for MS research to find a cure. One of my teammates has ms and he literally cycles to live– biking is a sport he can engage in comfortably and it helps him stay in the shape he needs to to take care of himself. Just know that 13000 of my closest cycling buddies are out there every year riding for you and raising money to beat this! Good luck!

      1. This is all such helpful and inspirational news.

         Thanks, Lady Bug for the insurance advice. After starting a medication that costs $30K/year, this is something I’m constantly thinking about.

         J-non, 13,000 people biking for MS? You rock.

         And thanks to everyone who posted about living with autoimmune diseases or having friends with them – having been diagnosed so recently I am just trying to collect all the information and ideas I can to try to make sense of it all.

10. Does anyone have a recommendation for a realtor in DC? Or a great building they loved in the Woodley/Kalorama/Dupont area? Craigslist just seems so overwhelming!

    1. We loved our realtor so much that we invited him to our wedding. Hamid Samiy at W.C & A.N. Miller. http://www.realtor.com/realestateagents/Hamid-Samiy_Mc-Lean_Va_731805?source=web
       He’s the only realtor I’ve met who did not pressure us to buy and actually told us not to buy certain properties because they weren’t good investments.

       1. that’s a great rec! Do you know if he does rentals? I should have specified I’m looking for a rental

          1. I’m not sure. Sorry.

    2. we used red fin for our nova condo and can’t say enough about it. it’s not a realtor but works for tech-savvy, web-shopping girls our age– their site is most updated (no listings that have actually sold already as on other sites), then you tour your choices w the red fin’agent’, then when you close, you get 50% of closing costs paid for (or cash if you want) since they didn’t do all the work like typical agents. if you want the red carpet/consierge treatment, not for you. if you’re shopping online anyhow, look into it.

    3. I rented in DC for 5 years. Things may have changed since I left, but while I was there DC was not a city where realtors or agents help find rentals (unlike Boston, for example). A very helpful site is http://www.padmapper.com, which overlays craigslist, apartments.com, and other listings on top of a google map. You can set price, rent, room, etc. parameters and see where everything is. It’s how I found my current apartment (in the PNW).

11. Threadjack: thank you emails — I just got back from my interview and in my inbox is an email from the bankruptcy department chair thanking me for coming in, that I was “very well received” and that he will be getting evaluations as soon as possible to deal with internal processes. Can I just reply my thank you to him? I think so right?
    Also, this sounds like a good sign, right?

    1. Yes to both questions, but you should also email thank yous to everyone else.

    2. Yes. I woulnd’t email everyone else, but you could ask him to extend your thanks to his colleagues who interviewed you.

12. Upcoming wedding season questions:
    1) I am a bridesmaid in a wedding in June. What is the appropriate amount to give? I am a poor law student and already had to spend $$ on the dress, shoes, and maybe hotel, etc. It is just me going, not date. Plus, her fiance is loaded and is paying for everything! I was thinking $150-200.

    2) I was invited to another wedding at the end of May, last minute invite because enough people RSVPed no. For our relationship, it is very nice to have been invited at all so I’m certainly not offended at all! The wedding is at a hotel in the city and at night. The invitation said black tie optional so what do I wear? And can I give about the same as above? TIA

    1. Give what is appropriate for your budget. I’ve attended a few weddings where I know that some contemporaries gave $150-200. I gave in the range of $75 because my income is lower, my loan payments are higher, etc. I would hope that the happy couples weren’t secretly talking smack about me because I gave them the toaster oven off their registry instead of the Le Creuset dutch oven.

       FWIW, “her fiance is loaded and is paying for everything” should not be a factor in whether or not you give a gift, or the amount (nor should “her fiance is dead broke and they are paying on credit/having a small inexpensive ceremony”). It’s what you can, and feel comfortable, spending – period.

       1. I agree that her fiance being “loaded” shouldn’t really matter. I meant to say that she could relate to my situation with student loans, etc, so I don’t think she would be offended if I don’t give a whole lot.

    2. 1) Give whatever you feel comfortable spending. Especially if they registered for things as low as $50, I think it would be OK to spend just that. I agree with the other commenters that the fiance being “loaded” has nothing to do with this.
       2) Black tie optional means you can wear either a formal cocktail length dress or an evening gown. Stay away from white and ivory but the old rules against wearing black and red no longer apply, or so I have read. Like 1), give whatever you feel comfortable spending.

    3. For weddings I’ve attended on the west coast (in case that makes a difference) I’ve chosen a gift off the registry around $50. It was what I could afford. At one wedding I went in on a registry gift with a friend that when knew the bride and groom really wanted. I think my half was around $50. I spent this amount whether or not I was a bridesmaid. I think $150-200 would definitely be good.

    4. Black tie optional is usually a cocktail dress or a gown if you are feeling fancy. If you don’t have a go-to cocktail dress in your closet or someone you can borrow from, as a fellow poor law student, I suggest Rent the Runway.

    5. I have low salary, loans etc. and usually give $150 for me and my Bf ($75 if I attend w/o the Bf)

       1. Especially if you are incurring a bunch of costs as a bridesmaid, don’t feel like you have to buy a huge present. When I got married, I sort of vaguely remembered who bought something off of the registry, but I was NOT keeping score about who bought what for how much. Mostly, I was happy that people came.

          Also, as a bride, I tried my hardest to have a range of items on the registry at various prices. As a fairly broke law student, I was invited to a fancy wedding where the only thing I could afford on the registry was a single piece of glassware ($40). Not.very.cool.

    6. $150-$200 sounds like a lot if you hare struggling with finances! Plus you already paid for dress and shoes?? Spend whatever feels comfortable to you, even if it’s $25. I got married last month, and one of my closest friends who was a reader in the wedding got me two travel coffee mugs–she probably spent $20, maybe $40 on them. I think of her every day when I make my coffee. Seriously, you don’t have to spend a lot, especially if you are in the wedding. Same thing goes for the last minute invite–spend what you can afford. Decent people don’t care if and how much you spend on a gift.

       1. I totally agree with this. Your friends will be grateful for whatever you can afford, because it’s from you. I think what’s rude is if you don’t bring a gift at all.

       2. I completely agree, over $100 seems like a lot if you’re not wealthy. Maybe I’m just cheap (and I do live in an area with a lower cost of living and corresponding lower salaries), but I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than $50, and I doubt most of my gifts (except from close relatives) were more than that for my wedding.

          ITA with the poster above who said a registry should have a wide range of prices. For “change of life” gifts (first kid, marriage), I love to get one largish container thing (i.e., for a baby, a diaper bag) and fill it with a lot of little things (pacifiers, socks, etc.)

    7. Maybe I am a total cheapskate, but when I was a student (in undergrad) and attended my good friend’s wedding (for which I had to fly, but wasn’t a bridesmaid — so quite a bit cheaper than those expenses, about $300), I didn’t give her anything except a card. We are still very good friends, but I didn’t really have any money.

       1. You are not a total cheapskate. You gave what you could, which wasn’t anything, and it sounds like your friend (a) didn’t care about it and (b) cared more that you came, which is the kind of friend to have. :-D

    8. I’m in the midwest and not from a particularly professional background, so maybe people/weddings are cheaper here, but I give about $50 for myself and my husband, and when I got married that’s about what I got from other couples in our situation (law school/grad school). My single friends tended to give us gifts between $30-$50. People who were employed gave between $30-$100 depending on how well they knew us and what they could afford.

       I hope this isn’t gauche to disclose, I figure it’s anonymous…

    9. 1. Didn’t they register for gifts? Get a lower-cost item off the registry and have it shipped to them. It’s perfectly fine to spend under $50. $150-200 seems extravagant to me for a wedding gift, unless you’re immediate family.

       2. Black tie optional = formal dress. Cocktail or tea length would be ok, but most people will go formal.

    10. Ugh, stuck in moderation the first time so I’ll try again. I that the reference to c—tail dresses causes it to end up in moderation, hilarious.

        1. Didn’t they register for gifts? Get a lower-cost item off the registry and have it shipped to them. It’s perfectly fine to spend under $50. $150-200 seems extravagant to me for a wedding gift, unless you’re immediate family.

        2. Black tie optional = formal dress. C—tail or tea length would be ok, but most people will go formal.

        1. lol, I was wondering why my comment got moderated… Now I know

           1. ha! this happened to me too the other week. Kat — I think “c*cktail” needs to join “pet*te” on the list of approved words :)

    11. Thank you all for your responses! I wont feel bad about giving around $100 now. I have a friend who was once talking about giving $300! I usually like to give a check when I go to the wedding instead of making the couple deal with a gift. I figure a card and a check is just easier, right? These weddings are the first of my friends to get married so maybe I’m just over thinking it.

        I’m still a bit unsure about the dress. I have some that might be okay, but I just don’t want to look out of place! I’m worried they could be too short or too tight. Ugh, I probably just over think things too much, and I doubt anyone will be paying attention to my dress.

        1. Another gift I’m a big fan of is the gift card to wherever they registered. My husband and I needed some “big ticket” items we didn’t feel comfortable putting on the registry. We registered for a bunch of “normal” wedding gift stuff and then returned most of it for store credit. Also, we did most of the registry online, so some stuff came and we did not look anything like the picture on the web. If you don’t feel comfortable with cash, I think a gift card is the way to go.

           Also, if the people don’t register, or you don’t know them that well, gift cards to places like Target and Home Depot are really good too.

        2. As far as the dress, you’re not likely to stick out b/c people really wear a range of things to these events. You will be fine — just don’t wear any dress that would you would to a club (that’s the only time I saw someone “stick out”). Maybe you can even re-purpose the bridesmaid dress for the other wedding?

           As for the amounts, I think $100 is fine. But if you want to spend a little less, get something off the registry (it’s much easier to give someone an $78 dollar toaster, than a check for $78). Don’t feel bad giving them a gift of their registry, btw — they registered for it!

           1. Speaking of re-purposing a bridesmaid dress, do you think this would be too bridesmaidy to wear? It was the dress I wore in my sister’s wedding.

              http://www.bestplussizedresses.com/lovely-short-strapless-tealength-chiffon-sash-purple-plus-size-bridesmaid-dresses-x720267_p902.html

              1. It might have potential without the sash, but it’s hard to tell without seeing it in person. I would ask a friend you trust to be honest with you for her opinion. There is a very fine line between repurposable and not, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’ve crossed it. In my (limited!) re-purposing experience, accessories were really the key. I wore the dress to a holiday party, though, so I went with bolder jewelry than I would have worn to a wedding.

              2. without the sash, possibly. It depends on the fabric, I think.

              3. I think it’s fine actually. When I think “bridesmaidy” I think satin.

        3. If you’re friends with the bride, you can just snap a photo and ask her if your dress is appropriate.

    12. Give what you can afford to give is great advice. Honestly, for my circle of 20- and 30- something professionals who are just starting out and have student loans, the $150+ figure seems really high. My husband and I generally buy something in the $50-100 range, depending on how close we are to the couple getting married.

        The one thing I would say is (and this is general, not specifically directed to you), please always get something for the couple if you attend the wedding. Some people just bought us a spatula or a tea towel, and I completely respect that. It’s not about how much something costs. Actually, one of the coolest things we received was a poem written by a family friend’s college-age daughter. But a surprisingly high number of people didn’t buy a gift, or bring a card, or anything. I was shocked that employed, seemingly well-mannered people would do this, but many of them apparently do. Please don’t be that person.

        1. really? shocked? a little introspection might be in order.

           1. I actually agree with G here. I’m sure she didn’t mean “shocked” as in expecting people to buy her gifts, but I firmly believe if you attend a wedding you should at the very least bring a card. That’s just simple etiquette. Doesn’t have to contain anything, but a well wishing card is appropriate. We had several attendees at our wedding who did not give a gift, or bring a card, and that was disappointing. Not because we expected cash or gifts, but rather because we enjoyed seeing the comments of our guests, or a reminder of who was in attendance.

              1. To add to this–it just struck us that the guests who didn’t bring cards didn’t care as much. The attitude was more “we’re coming, but we’re not putting any effort into it, not even to buy/make a card.” And I think that’s what was surprising to us.

              2. I agree. I know how hard it is to plan a wedding from my sister and friends. The couple didn’t decide to just throw some party. They probably spent months planning everything. Plus, it is such a special day, and it’s an honor to be included! I think a card is the very least a guest could do!

           2. I am unmarried, but still think that it’s common courtesy to bring something. I understand that for out-of-town guests, sometimes just attending the wedding at all is a big financial undertaking. However, if you can manage to buy a plane ticket and stay in a hotel, you can manage to buy a card. It is not a huge investment.

           3. It is customary to bring a gift in the $100++ range in my area (in addition to shower gifts), and while I too would be totally okay with something like a spatula, nothing at all is simply not appropriate, at least not in my region and among my family and friends.

              1. I’ll also add that if no gift at all is received, I would most likely assume it walked off with someone at the catering hall or got lost in the mail – not that the guest simply neglected to give even a card.

        2. Okay. So here’s my question about this…

           I have never brought a gift to the actual wedding. Honestly, it’s hard enough just getting myself together. But I always order something off the registry or find another appropriate gift and have it sent to the couple’s home.

           I think in my area (New England) that’s what most everybody does.

           Are you all saying that on top of the gift I have sent, I should be bringing some token to the wedding? I’m going to a wedding this weekend. Even a card won’t fit in the clutch I’m planning to carry.

           1. I’m a little late here, but no. You do not need to bring an additional gift to the wedding. There are definitely some circles where most people do bring a gift to the wedding, but (aside from the fact that most old-school etiquette mavens will also say that gifts are properly sent to the bride’s home before the wedding or the couple’s home after the wedding) it’s generally most convenient for everyone involved to send the gift to their home. I’ve heard the occasional horror story of gifts (especially cards) being stolen from the reception site, but I have personal experience as a bridesmaid and family member of cards getting separated from the boxes they were attached to, lugging boxes out to the car in the rain in heels, opening and repacking fragile items to be suitable for shipping and the couple having to spend a big chunk of change sending the gifts given to them at the wedding to their home across the country, etc.

              I’d only recommend bringing a gift to the wedding if it is at the couple’s home. And even then, it’s not mandatory – before or after is fine.

13. I am a law student procrastinating finals studying by shopping for updated professional clothes for my upcoming internship with a state government office. I want to invest in a well-constructed pair of nude heels that are not too high, but many of the pairs I find that fit my needs are peep-toe. My question is, are peep toe heels appropriate for a legal office? My inclination is to stay away from open-toes at all costs, but I’d like to hear other opinions if possible. Thanks!

    1. I would stay away from peep-toe if you can, unless you are familiar with the government office where you’ll be interning. I work in a big firm and peep toe shoes are frowned upon here. They are considered too casual.

    2. There have been threads (and controversies!) on this in the past. The main point — it depends on the office. I worked in the state attorney general’s office over the summer and peep-toe heels were fine. I occasionally see them in fed court too. Go to your internship for the first week before you buy anything.

    3. What region are you in? I am in state government in Florida and today my supervisor wore Crocs sandals. I interned in another state office where I was introduced to the department head who immediately told me that if I wanted to wear “classy” flip flops around the office that was absolutely fine. Honestly, I think a lot of Florida HR departments have given up trying to enforce a no flip flops rule because people wear them anyway. Peep toes are a big step up from that.

    4. I definitely would stay away from peep-toes if you’re in the market for a workhorse shoe for the office. I’m not saying it never works, but that shouldn’t be where your initial investment in your professional wardrobe is made.

       How about these? (As an added tip — when I’m looking for something specific like this, do a search on shopstyle.com; it always helps me narrow things down.)

       http://us.asos.com/countryid/2/Ted-Baker-Ted-Baker-Peoni-1-Mid-Heeled-Shoe/vxtij/?iid=1353659&MID=35719&affid=2135&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-fSWfINHysnODIpw7SrnzIg

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/via-spiga-grover-pump/3101040?origin=category&cm_ven=Linkshare&cm_cat=partner&cm_pla=10&cm_ite=1&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-mPxr9.17E_9I1njqigrulA

    5. I don’t think peep toe is appropriate. There are regular toe shoes out there that meet your needs, they may just be a little hard to find. I don’t think toes are appropriate in a professional setting, whether in a sandal or a peep toe or open toe shoe. Just my opinion, though. You would be safe going with a regular toe shoe.

    6. Voice of dissent here. Peep toes have always been fine everywhere I’ve worked, in both private and public sector, except for very formal occasions like going to court. Of course, make sure your toes look nice if they’re going to be visible.

    7. They’d be fine in my government office, but you need to know your office/agency. I’d wait and see what’s being worn after you’ve worked there a week or so.

    8. Get back to studying. What good will an upcoming internship with a state government office be if you fail out your first year? Study now. Shop later.

    9. You’re going to have to wait to see what your office is like. I’ve read numerous comments here about how peep toes are absolutely inappropriate for the office. But guess what? At my private large law firm, women wear open toed shoes (even stiletto sandals!) all the time, and nobody thinks twice about it. If I ever work somewhere else, I’m going to have a lot of shopping to do because I only own a few pairs of closed toe shoes… I only wear them to court, depositions, and to meet with clients. For now, get a nice pair of close-toed shoes with a low heel and break them in so your feet won’t get shredded your first day (you will probably do a lot of walking–office tour, meeting people, lunch, etc.). Keep your eyes open to see what other women are wearing, and go shopping if necessary after that.

14. Have any of you officiated a wedding? If so, are there any good idea books? Anything you’re really happy you said or regretted saying? Advice please!

    1. I haven’t been in that position, but my husband and I did write our own ceremony, which our officiant (a family friend) tweaked a bit to sound more like his own voice. There are some good books on Amazon describing the different parts of the ceremony and suggested readings/vows/etc. that can be a good starting place.

       1. I went to a wedding where the Judge performing it read a Native American wedding blessing at the end that everyone really liked (I don’t know how traditional it actually is, but the sentiment it expresses is wonderful). It felt very appropriate for the occasion.

          If you google it, it comes up —

          Now you will feel no rain,
          For each of you will be shelter to the other.
          Now you will feel no cold,
          For each of you will be warmth to the other.
          Now there is no more loneliness,
          For each of you will be companion to the other.
          Now you are two bodies,
          But there is one life before you.
          Go now to your dwelling place,
          To enter into the days of your togetherness.
          And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

          1. Rebecca Meade debunks its reality– it was written by a new age hippie white dude in the 70s– in her book One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. But it’s still lovely. Everything has to start somehwere. I’d just call it a ‘blessing’ and take out ‘dwelling place’ since, knowing the patronizing real source, it sounds condescending of actual Native peoples, but the rest stands on its own as just pretty and sweet.

             1. For what it’s worth, “dwelling place” is a phrase that I don’t think has any particular Native American (or faux-Native American) associations. It’s used pretty often in the King James Bible and Christian religious texts.

             2. Yeah, it’s a lovely poem, but taking out the kind of racist “Native American” angle is probably a good idea.

          2. We had this read at our wedding too and it was very well received. Did not know the hippie in the 70s part, but it doesn’t surprise me. I got it out of a book on writing your own wedding ceremonies.

15. Anon for this one. Sorry for the length!

    I need advice on how to make a lateral move to another firm. I’m not sure where to start or how this process generally goes. I don’t think I’m ready for or want to go in house, so right now I’m looking only at other firms. Should I just research firms and go from there? Is the Vault a useful resource? Are there other similar resources I’m not thinking of? After a brief inquiry, my law school’s career services office does not look like it will be very useful. I plan on reaching out to former classmates but are there things I should consider when doing so (e.g., their practice area)? Should I reach out to older alumni? I get headhunter calls pretty regularly, so I know that’s an option, but is using one a good idea and how do you pick one? I hear about people changing jobs all the time but I’m clueless — I feel like there’s a tried and true method out there that people know to follow and that I’m oblivious about.

    For context: I’m a patent attorney (a very good one based on what I’m told candidly and in my reviews), my JD is from a top 10 law school, and I have a Ph.D. from a highly reputable research institution. I’m in my third year of practice at a pretty large national GP firm (overall likely within T100 but it is more highly ranked in my practice area). There are a variety of reasons that I need to make this move but none of them are that the firm wants to get rid of me. While in law school, I had a very geographically focused job search and, as a result, didn’t do a ton interviews. I summered at my current firm and at a smaller local firm. That said, I have a pretty good sense of what the big firms are in the IP world. I’m not yet sure what city I’m going to be looking in (the wheel on the game of life is still spinning on that question) but the goal is to go somewhere where I can have a strong practice in my field (which is not everywhere, I know).

    Thanks in advance. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

    1. I recently lateralled from an AmLaw 200 firm to an AmLaw 100 firm. 2008 law school grad, transitioning from general commercial lit to a more specialized practice.

       I did it through a headhunter. Basically, I was getting cold calls from headhunters and I finally told one “I’m not that interested in what you called me for this time, but here are my criteria and what I’m looking for. I’m not in a huge rush to leave, but if you know of something that fits within what I’m looking for, call me.” All told, once I “officially” started looking, it took about 8 months and going on interviews at 3 places. I ultimately ended up at the third firm I interviewed at.

       Alternatively, ask your friends at other law firms (if you want to work at those places) if they’re hiring. A good word from a friend with the hiring partner may get you an interview and offer before the firm ever announces an opening.

    2. I’m a patent attorney in the Silicon Valley. For patent attorneys, I think the number 1 consideration in where to lateral is whether the target firm is primarily a prep and pros boutique with lit and rexam on the side (more traditional) or if prep and pros is used as a loss-leader to bring in lit and reexam work (usually a result of a merger with a boutique).

       I prefer working in the boutique but others prefer doing lots of litigation support and reexam. I’ve personally found that firms that hire through word of mouth are better to work for than those that go through recruiters. So I would cold call alums and any contact you can dig up. Patent is picking up so now is a good time to be looking for a position!

       I’d also point out that, aside from a few of the GP firms in this area, most patent attorneys don’t care where you went to school or what your academic credentials are. Especially if you want to go into boutique practice.

16. I think I bombed my B-school application. My interview went well but they were obviously not impressed with my gre score and asked if I’d be willing to retake it. I of course said yes but really don’t want to. They’ll make a de vision fast though and I should know in a week or so. I’m stressed and sad.

    1. *hug*

       1. Thanks!

    2. Maybe just a bit of extra studying (or maybe one-on-one tutoring) will push you over the top :)

       1. This. If the interviewer mentioned it, then they are seriously considering accepting you and a higher score could make you a shoe in! I know it would suck to retake the test, but I had to take my LSATs twice! It was certainly not fun, but it worked out. I would suggest that you take some time to think about it, but don’t lose hope or sight of what you want. *Hugs* and good luck!

17. My last round of finals and the Bar Exam are just around the corner, and my hubby has suggested I get some comfy loungewear pants. Does anyone have any suggestions? If it comes with in a short inseam that’s a plus, although not totally necessary, since I probably won’t be leaving the house in them!

    1. I really like Victoria’s Secret yoga pants. They come in 4 different lengths. They are comfy and very versatile.

       http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1300100192640&c=Page&cid=1300104436261&pagename=vsdWrapper

    2. They’re a bit on the $$ side, but I absolutely LIVED in my Lululemon “Groove” yoga pants during my bar exam summer. Hemming is free at the store, as well! They are definitely pricy (just shy of $100, I believe) but they were soooo comfortable and the material firms you up enough so that I didn’t feel like a schlubby lump, either. I even wore them to take the bar exam (and passed two states), so I’ve also convinced myself that they’re lucky. :)

    3. Ha – that’s awesome! I actually just did the same thing (also a 3L in midst of finals), and with the exact VS pants Miriam suggests. I love the VS pants; I’m 5’4″ and the 30″ inseam is perfect. I just bought two new pairs because I think they look unusually nice for yoga pants, so if I have to make a run to the library or the grocery store during a study session, I can go out with them and a t-shirt and still feel acceptably dressed.

       1. They are awesome! I suggest the fold over ones rather than the classic ones since the band can dig in. They are 2 for $50, but if you go to their sale section they have them for $19 each in select colors. I admit it, I’m a VS junkie!

    4. Target has good, cheap yoga pants that come in regular, long and petite!

       1. Target’s leggings are awesome, too.

          I also love my Loft leggings, and they come in petite.

    5. I live in and took the Bar in Florida. As I took the July exam, it was pretty darn hot. That summer I lived in Victoria’s Secret’s beach linen pants:

       http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265437473882&c=Page&cid=1300105500523&pagename=vsdWrapper&search=true

       I bought multiple pairs – I even wore them to the actual exam!

    6. I have a pair of sweatpants from Old Navy that I love. Not a short inseam, but they shrank pretty quickly to fit my 5’3″ frame.

18. Does anyone have recommendations for a real estate broker in NYC? I’m specifically interested in finding a rental on the Upper East Side. Craigslist makes my head hurt, so I’m willing to bite the bullet and pay a broker fee.

    Any general “moving to New York to start a midtown Biglaw job” tips would also be appreciated!

    1. I’m also moving to the City soon and would love advice. I’ve never lived there before, and can’t wait! For me, though, the idea of a broker’s fee stings a bit. Is it the best option for finding an apartment? If not, what are your suggestions? (I’m also looking at the East Side and possibly in Queens, if that’s helpful.)

    2. I moved to NYC a little over a year ago, sight unseen. My first recommendation is to come out for a few days and make back-to-back appointments to see apartments. All of my friends who moved here recently have used Craigslist, but I completely understand that it is overwhelming. Many of the ads didn’t look like there would be a broker, but when it came time to set up an appointment, it was through a broker. The positive of this was that the broker could show a number of apartments at once. Most of my friends ended up meeting with at least 3 brokers in this process.

       I personally was looking for a room to rent, so when I contacted people through their ads I would include a lot of information about my lifestyle (level of cleanliness, shower schedule, how often I expected to be in the apartment, how I preferred to deal with issues, etc). The roommate I ended up with said that is what put me over the edge even though we couldn’t meet ahead of time (we just talked on the phone).

       1. I have to give my two cents on the roommate thing (considering mine recently made is 100% clear that I must move out before next semester, my decision) Be careful when you explain your lifestyle! She may agree to everything now, but things change. If you need quiet, make sure she NEEDS quiet also rather than just says she will be “understanding’. In my case that was total b.s.! Don’t take someone’s word for it. Also, I would avoid living with someone who owns the apartment/house. Never again! You feel like a teenager again living in someone’s home. However, considering NYC is so expensive and noisy on its own, these might not be so important.

          1. That is a great point. When we talked, she responded by telling me all about her lifestyle so I could make sure it would be a good fit too. It has worked out well for us.

    3. I’m a native New Yorker and strongly recommend paying the broker fee. Yes, it is a totally crazy system that makes no sense, but in my experience you find a better apartment at lower rent if you pay a broker fee. While it is possible to find a good deal w/o paying a fee, in general I think you end up paying higher rent for a comparable apartment in exchange for the lack of fee.

       Another tip – have with you while searching: two years federal tax returns, paystubs or proof of employment, bank statements for all of your accounts (again, I know that is totally crazy to require just to rent, but they usually do).

    4. Cooper and Cooper are great brokers, I know one of the owners and recommend them.

    5. Check out keyah.com and rentdirect for some decent no-fee alternatives. I understand the craigslist frustration, but I’m strongly anti-broker for NY rentals.

       1. If you do want to use a broker and can afford the fee (usually 15% of the first year’s rent for rentals) — Citi Habitats is a good agency. They have offices all over the city, including 2 on the Upper East Side, and they specialize in rentals as opposed to sales (as many of the bigger broker agencies do). I worked with a woman named Alyson Jaeger (Yager?) there at their 1st Avenue Office — I can’t say she was the best ever, but she was trustworthy, competent, reliable and hardworking. As some brokers can be less than ethical, I can happily say she did not mislead me about any information I needed and worked very hard to make sure I got the deal I needed.

          General advice re moving —
          Consider your commute time. If you are moving to the Upper East Side, living east of 2nd avenue (1st, York, or East End) will mean a longer walk to the train (which runs along Lexington Ave.). Living right on 2nd may be its own problem b/c there is a lot of construction there right now as they are building a subway line there. Where is your law firm going to be located? Living near the express stops may be helpful (86th St, 59th) . . . Also consider if you have to transfer. A commute from the Upper East to Times Sq., for instance, is not fun. Living in the east 60’s means that you will have more options vs living further up — there’s an F train on E 63rd and all the yellow lines on 59th. Above E 96th st is not really the Upper East Side anymore and can pose some safety issues late at night (unless you’re right on between 5th/madison, and even then you don’t have too much room to go up). If you’re as far East as 1st, it starts to get questionable a bit lower at around East 92nd street.

          Things to consider re amenities: is there a doorman? If not, is there a live-in super who will take packages? Electric will not usually be included but I have lived in apartments where it is (both on the Upper East). Gas and Hot Water usually is included everywhere, so don’t let anyone make you think that’s a “perk.” Ask where the nearest laundry place is if they don’t have laundry in the building?

          You can definitely do all of this without a broker — I actually found apartments on Craig’s List before, but I understand why you would want to use someone if you are new to the city.

    6. Agree with some of the others that paying a broker’s fee for your first apartment is really not a bad idea. You may end up in a different part of town due to commute, change of preferences, or general availability, and a broker gives you access to the most up-to-date listings. Some general thoughts:

       1) Streeteasy.com is a great resource and allows you to search by broker/nonbroker if you’d like to give it a try.
       2) Finding a broker in advance can be very tricky as they tend to have their own “turf” and price range. The best way is to go to a listing that you like with the broker and if you click, ask to have them send you listings or on a one-day shopping tour
       3) If you are not from the area, be prepared to act FAST on an apartment. Possibly within the next day if it’s <2500/mo. The suggestion of what to bring with you was dead-on: guarantors, proof of income, w-9s, etc. People not familiar with NYC may not believe me, but my husband and I lost our very first apartment by finishing our documentation ten hours after seeing it (instead of nine like the people who saw it with a different broker), and our third by asking for it two days after seeing instead of the day after.

       1. Some belated broker-wrangling tips I forgot to add above:

          -No matter what everyone is saying nationally, the NYC rental market has picked up again and brokers know this. We moved again last month and I was surprised by fast-moving inventory and how high the prices were.
          -If your apartment ends up costing slightly more than you expected, you can always try negotiating with the broker. I’ve never paid the standard one month rent, usually more like 10%, even with our tiny $1500 1BR years ago.
          -If you tell a broker that your firm price ceiling is X and their lineup still includes many that go way above it (we’re talking 500-1000), either politely rein them in or go elsewhere. If they “forget” to tell you the price on top of it, don’t trust them. This only happened once out of several hunts…most have been very polite and helpful.

    7. I’d say it probably is easier to find a place with a broker, but it is not absolutely necessary. You can go directly to the large rental companies and avoid the broker fee – e.g., Rockrose, Rose Associates, Brodsky. Streeteasy and Nybits are great resources. I don’t think my friends who ended up using brokers got better deals. If you use Craigslist, be careful of possible bait and switch. Sometimes great apartments are posted and inevitably they are gone, but the person posting has something else available – inevitably not as nice or a lot more expensive. The rental market is pretty tight right now – last year not so much, so some landlords were providing incentives like 1 month free. If you see something you like, move quickly…don’t sleep on it or it may not be available the next day. Good luck.

19. I’m celebrating a landmark birthday next summer and would like to plan a celebratory trip with my husband and 6 year old. I would like a (warm) beach but also somewhere that offers other outdoor activities, preferably hiking. Hawaii seems like the obvious choice, and I do love it there but I’m looking to perhaps go somewhere new. Nothing too far afield due to somewhat limited time, so Asia and Africa are probably out. Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. Try Belize. Tons of ruins and wildlife preserves to explore, pristine snorkeling/scuba diving and beautiful beaches. Much cleaner than Hawaii, everyone speaks English, and they accept dollars. Also full of the nicest people. I’d go back in a second. (I stayed at a place called Hamanasi for a few days, you should check it out if you go, can’t recommend it highly enough.)

    2. Some friends went to Puerto Rico over spring break and ever since they got back it’s become my No. 1 dream travel destination. Beaches, hiking, minimal language barrier, no dealing with customs, fairly cheap, and their pictures look gorgeous.

       1. I second Puerto Rico. So many outdoor things to do – tour Old San Juan, the rainforest trails – as well as beautiful beaches and great snorkeling. It’s the beauty of the Caribbean without the fuss of customs.

    3. Somewhere in the Caribbean maybe? In Jamaica our family did a hike through a waterfall that was pretty awesome…

       1. My family did that when I was about nine (Dunn’s Falls, maybe?) As a kid, I thought the all-inclusive resort and Jamaica itself were awesome. Just beware of safety issues there these days.

    4. Costa Rica! Perfect for families, beaches, rainforest, cool culture, wonderful wildlife.

       1. I second the suggestion for Costa Rica. Adventure, relaxing beaches, and wonderful people. It’s a surefire winner in my book!

       2. My hubby and I went to Costa rica for our honeymoon. I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s really easy to get to, and not too many time zones away. I’ve never seen a place that had more to offer for so many different types of people. Beaches, wildlife, adventure stuff, and not too $$$ if you stay in the right places.

       3. This! Very kid-friendly. And you can drink the water w/o problems.

       4. Another vote for Costa Rica. It has tons of great outdoor activities, beaches, family-friendliness, etc.

          The big issue you’ll want to think about is transportation. The roads can be dicey, so car rentals are very expensive, and it’s not fun/relaxing to drive there. The bus system is good, but very slow and crowded. To make life easier, I’d look for a package deal if you have a limited amount of time. We did daytrips organized through the Costa Rican Language Academy that were really good, so if you’re looking for shorter-term excursions you may want to contact them for tour company recommendations.

          Generally speaking, the west coast is more developed for tourists and has nicer beaches. I’d recommend the Punta Leona area for beaches, one of the preserves like Manuel Antonio (there are monkeys everywhere, and kids seem to love it), plus a visit to the Monteverde/Arenal area for cloud forest and volcanoes. Costa Rica is so small, you can pack beach, hike, volcano, and forest into a week, it’s very safe, and much cheaper than Hawaii. Spanish is helpful, but not at all necessary if you’re dealing with people in the tourism industry.

          1. I second the vote for Manuel Antonio. Just gorgeous, and there are a number of beautiful resorts there.

       5. Absolutely agree! Loved Costa Rica and it would be great for a family. Manuel Antonio, Arenal, and Monteverde are all great spots. If you don’t go to Monteverde, driving yourself in a rented small SUV is easy; if you do go to Monteverde it’s still doable but the road is definitely memorable. Happy birthday and have a great trip!

       6. Costa Rica! Had a fabulous time there when we went 2 years ago.

    5. I’ve been to both Costa Rica and Belize and unless you love snorkeling and ocean water (Belize has an awesome coral reef), I would say Costa Rica would be a better bet. I would suggest going on a guided 3 or 4 day tour of Monteverde cloud forest, active volcano, zip lining and all that active stuff, and then spend a few days on the beach (like Tamarindo) just relaxing and reading a good novel.

20. I posted this on the Salma Hayek thread before it occurred to me that was an old thread. Lots of people in that thread talked about getting fitted for a bra, which I’ve always been reluctant to do. I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago, and I’ve been struggling to find the right bra since then. I need to get over my fear of being fitted, and I like the idea of measuring yourself to get an idea beforehand. Here’s my question. Loose skin from weight loss + age = bosoms that look like a tennis ball in a tube sock. The fullest-part measurement when they’re hanging down to your knees is obviously not the same as what you’d get when wearing a bra. Any suggestions on how I should measure these long bosoms?

    1. I find this guide quite helpful:

       http://www.knickersblog.com/the-do-it-yourself-bra-fitting-guide/1083

    2. Measure with a bra on.

    3. Definitely measure w/ a bra on–that’s what everyone is supposed to do. And then find a really good fitter. If you suspect that you are a D cup or higher, look for a boutique that sells Prima Donna and Chantelle bras because if they carry those quality brands, then there’s a good chance they have the right style for you somewhere in their store, even if it’s in another brand.

       I attended the Curve lingerie expo in NYC last February and learned an interesting detail from the Prima Donna sales rep that might apply to you. She recommended styles 016 1816 and 016 1817 for women who have some hollowness below the strap because of loss of breast elasticity. If you think that this might describe you, then be sure to tell your fitter that you are interested in those styles.

       Also, I wonder if a demi cup would give you some of the fullness you’ve lost?

21. Travel advice please: can any Corporettes offer some reccos for Taipei? I seem to recall there was even a Corporette living in Taiwan at some point… I am meeting a gf there for a short weekend trip so am looking for info on can’t miss food/shopping/culture. TIA!

    1. Hmmm…. must have been me, though I don’t remember mentioning it here?

       Since you’re only going to be there for such a short time, I would suggest

       (1) National Palace Museum – http://www.npm.gov.tw/en/home.htm
       Best collection of chinese art/antiquities in the world. This is located a bit outside Taipei, so it will take up a significant amount of time to get there, see the collection, get back in town.

       (2) Chiang Kai Shek memorial – not much to actually see there but it is the classic Chinese memorial architecture, so good place to take pics.

       (3) Din Tai Fung – http://www.dintaifung.com.tw/en/index.asp
       Classic soup dumplings. They have several branches now, but go to the original on XinYi Road, so you can see them making the dumplings on the first floor, and the servers who shoot tea out across the table.

       (4) Taipei 101 – This is over in the eastern shopping district. The 101 is the tallest skyscraper in Taipei (and I think it was the tallest skyscraper in Asia for 6 months when it was built). You’ll want to take a ride to the top to see the layout of the city, as well as see how they make sure the skyscraper doesn’t fall if there is an earthquake. The shopping district is also worth walking around – there’s some large Japanese department stores over here, as well as some decent restaurants. This is all very new Taipei.

       (5) Night market – there are several in Taipei. Totally worth going to for local flavor. You should ask around for the one closest to where you’re staying. You can eat traditional delicacies off the carts if you are brave enough.

       (6) There are some awesome clubs in Taipei that are really hopping in the evenings, some in the shopping district where Taipei 101 is, some near the Chong Hsiao area, and some near the university (more divvy).

       (7) Figure out and use the mass transit – but if that’s too much, the cabs are very reasonably priced and easy to hail.

       Have a great time.

       1. Thank you so much! I don’t know if it was you or not, perhaps there is another Corporette in Taiwan…Everything you mentioned sounds fantastic (even the “earthquake education” bit – I work in Tokyo in a tall building) and I can tell it’s going to be a busy weekend. If you have any bar/club suggestions, I would love to hear those as well. Thanks again!!

          1. Unfortunately, my bar hopping days are well behind me. My favorites used to be a whole row of chic bars on An-Ho going south from Ren-Ai (the one I remember was called champagne, but I’m not even sure if it’s still there).

             1. Thanks, will look into it!

    2. (without links b/c of new awaiting moderation policy)
       Hmmm…. must have been me, though I don’t remember mentioning it here?

       Since you’re only going to be there for such a short time, I would suggest

       (1) National Palace Museum
       Best collection of chinese art/antiquities in the world. This is located a bit outside Taipei, so it will take up a significant amount of time to get there, see the collection, get back in town.

       (2) Chiang Kai Shek memorial – not much to actually see there but it is the classic Chinese memorial architecture, so good place to take pics.

       (3) Din Tai Fung – Classic soup dumplings. They have several branches now, but go to the original on XinYi Road, so you can see them making the dumplings on the first floor, and the servers who shoot tea out across the table.

       (4) Taipei 101 – This is over in the eastern shopping district. The 101 is the tallest skyscraper in Taipei (and I think it was the tallest skyscraper in Asia for 6 months when it was built). You’ll want to take a ride to the top to see the layout of the city, as well as see how they make sure the skyscraper doesn’t fall if there is an earthquake. The shopping district is also worth walking around – there’s some large Japanese department stores over here, as well as some decent restaurants. This is all very new Taipei.

       (5) Night market – there are several in Taipei. Totally worth going to for local flavor. You should ask around for the one closest to where you’re staying. You can eat traditional delicacies off the carts if you are brave enough.

       (6) There are some awesome clubs in Taipei that are really hopping in the evenings, some in the shopping district where Taipei 101 is, some near the Zhong Xiao area, and some near the university (more divvy).

       (7) Figure out and use the mass transit – but if that’s too much, the cabs are very reasonably priced and easy to hail.

       I’ve tried to spell everything in a way to make these google-able. Have a great time.

    3. I live in Taipei- didn’t know we had another one, Kady!

       I second Kady’s items 1-4, with the caveat that if you’re going to be spending a lot of time in the Xinyi area (near 101, also spelled as ‘Sinyi’ or ‘Hsinyi’ depending on the pinyin system used) you could substitute the Sun Yat Sen memorial hall/gardens for Chiang Kai Shek, since CKS is on the other side of town.

       Per #5- the do-not-miss night market is definitely Shilin. It’s at the same MRT stop as the National Palace Museum, and is our biggest and most famous one. Popular foods to try include fried stinky tofu (the taste is much better/milder than the smell!), oyster omelet, fried chicken breast with spices, squid on a stick, chicken hearts, duck tongue, and (if you have the stomach for it) pork blood cake. This is definitely the place to try something new, although I’m guessing you have an experienced palate if you’ve spent significant time in Tokyo.

       The hot clubs of the moment are all near 101- I would recommend Barcode (in the Neo 19 building on Songshou Road, the top floor) if you want the ‘it’ spot of the moment. Try their champagne mimosa! If you’re looking for a younger scene with a techno dance floor try the club in the basement of the same building- Room 18. A good place to kick off the night is enjoying a classic cocktail and live jazz music at Brown Sugar, just across the intersection from Neo 19.

       With regards to shopping- if you’re looking for high end, international retailers the 101 mall, and the attached areas are your best bet. Mitsukoshi department store expands across several blocks to the north and east of 101, and ends at the very upscale new Bellavita mall. If you want to peruse the back alleys for some cheap bargains, you want to go to the Wufeng Pu Commercial District.

       Do you have a hotel booked, or would you like some recommendations?

       Enjoy the trip- Taipei is a surprisingly awesome city!

       1. @FinanceGal – Interested in trading deets? You can leave me a message at my blog if you’d like: “www.wonkess.com” (quotes added to avoid moderation).

       2. Thank you FinanceGal, that is a huge help! I will be sure to try the stinky tofu and other street food, one of the best parts of living in Asia I think. I can’t wait to load up on xiao long bao, too! I was looking at Hotel Quote, Hotel Sense, and Caesar Park, but haven’t decided yet and would welcome more suggestions. Thanks again!

22. Does anyone have any suggestions on professional looks for curly hair? My hair is reeeeeeeeally curly (think ringlets) and about shoulder length. The general advice about professional looking hair just don’t really seem to mesh well with curly hair. It’s not going to lie perfectly flat (nor do I really want it to), and I like having a distinctive look, but I don’t want it to be perceived as messy.

    1. You need to have it cut and styled by a curly specialist, then you need to use the appropriate products so that the appearance is neat. I think curly mart dot com list stylists who specialize in curlies. What you don’t have to do is straighten

    2. A close friend has curly ringlets, and she wears it long (right around bra strap length) and unlayered. It is a distinctive look, but she was working as a legal assistant for US Attorneys, now is a law student, and it always comes across as completely professional. Beyond “plopping”, curl-specific shampoo, and maybe some anti-frizz serum, she doesn’t do anything special. I think unlayered tends to be less messy because the weight of the hair keeps the ringlets from doing anything crazy, but you could probably go shorter if you want. Consult with a curl specialist, and wear them with confidence.

    3. As long is curly hair is neat (frizz-free) and kept up (regular trims are important), I think it’s just fine. I just got a Ouidad cut and I really dislike it. The emphasis seems to be on curl formation and not on a nice, flattering hair style and shape. I now look like a pin head with super curly hair in a big blob on my head. The curls are smooth though. I suppose it depends on the skill of the stylist but I’m not liking it at all.

    4. I agree that as long as you wash and style it such that it looks nice, neat, and well-kept, it should be fine. And I second the point to have it cut by someone who has a lot of experience cutting curly hair. This is just me, but if a new stylist wants to blow-dry my hair straight before he/she cuts it, I leave. Someone who knows how to cut curly hair won’t want to straighten it before they cut it because they already know how it could behave and can react accordingly. :-D

    5. Of all the types of curls, I think you’re lucky to have ringlets. I’ve admired the ringlets on a lot of professional women without ever doubting their professionalism, and if it’s shoulder length, you can pull it up and do a lot of things with it.

       There was a WSJ article about hair straightening on March 23 called “The Taming of the Curl”. A business image consultant was quoted as saying, “The women who have the power spots in banking and hedge funds and all of that never wear their hair to extremes.” As someone who has finally come to terms with her own curls, I found this pretty disheartening. However, another image consultant that I spoke to on this subject said that she thinks curls are doable if you keep the other elements of your appearance “crisp”.

    6. What works for me is to let my hair do whatever it wants (I’m very low maintenance and usually wash at night and sleep on it wet) and then use a curling iron for 5 mins in the morning to tame it a bit. I fix anything that is sticking out funny or laying at a strange angle, and pay special attention around my face. I feel instantly more polished after those 5 mins.

23. The yoga pants discussion up-thread reminds me – I need tops to wear to yoga that do a good job of hiding the tums but do not collapse around my neck during inversions.

    1. Lululemon Power Y. They are amazing and super flattering!!

    2. Athleta has a Tinker Top (maybe tinker tank? I just recycled all my catalogues), with a looser fit and a drawstring at the hem. I haven’t tried it so can’t vouch for it, but it looks like it would work well on inversions.

24. Threadjack — cbackson, how was Boston???

    On to my question for the group: after years of a sort of fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants budget, I need to do a real one so I can map out some big life changes (i.e., buying a house and a possible career change). Trouble is, I have no idea how to do that (I can make a spreadsheet, but it’s the tracking and estimating that’s difficult). Anyone have any suggestions on either how-to books or software to help?

    1. I use mint dot com to plan and track. It’s a bit of a pain at first setting everything up, but now I love it….it does almost all the work.

    2. It was awesome! I got a PR, although not the time I had been hoping for. Was hot (okay, 60 degrees, but that’s 20 degrees warmer than where I live), and I had some dehydration troubles, but the doctor in the medical tent was smokin’ so it was all good.

       Nashville is this upcoming weekend, right? Good luck!

       1. Congratulations on the PR! That’s awesome!

          Thanks for the luck wish! I’m a little worried about the heat myself — 10-day forecast currently says 78 is the high for Saturday. Yikes! Fingers crossed…

          1. Oh, goodness! I would have a really tough time with that temp. Hopefully you all are starting early? Boston starts at 10:00, so you are running when you hit the high temps for the day, but maybe if the race begins at 7 AM or so you’ll get a bit of a break.

    3. Start by, for the next month, write down every single cent you spend and earn. Categorize those expenses – groceries, clothing, entertainment, utilities, rent/mortgage, charity, transportation, etc. Add them up – now add up what you earned. Did you earn more than you spent? If so, good. Now estimate whether those expenses are reasonable, and whether you’d like to change anything about them. Set your budget amounts accordingly. Now, for the next month, continue to write down what you spent, but when you run out of money in a category, you’re done – no more. If you consistently run out of money in a category, you either need to look at your spending habits, or you need to rearrange your budget.

       If you spent more than you earned, you need to look at which categories you can rein in. Set some budget amounts so your budget has you spending less than you earn, and write everything down for a month and stick with it. See how you do. Adjust accordingly.

       The most important part of the budgeting process is getting into the habit of writing down what you spend. Spreadsheets are easy, but a notebook with a running tally for each category works if you’re computer challenged. Just find a way to make the tracking easy, and the rest will be simple.

       I recommend the show “Til Debt Do Us Part” for a look at budgeting.

25. In New York City by myself this weekend staying in East Midtown. Not religious in any way, don’t know a soul. Where should I eat, what should I do, and where should I go?

    1. The Met and MOMA are always wonderful. If it gets nice tomorrow, stroll in Central Park. Obvious, I know, but for good reason.

       1. I want to do this next weekend, and catch a Yankees game. Hope you have fun!

    2. Treat yourself to lunch or dinner at Daniel, Cafe Boulud, Marea, or ABC Kitchen (random assortment, I know, but I don’t know your preferences!). Get drinks at the classic, wonderful Bemelman’s bar at the Carlyle and take in the scene as the people-watching is fabulous. Go to the MOMA in the evening and have dinner at The Modern, their attached restaurant and very friendly to single diners.

       The weather’s awful this weekend, or I’d recommend neighborhood strolling. If it holds up Sunday and it’s open (not sure about Easter), I recommend taking the L train to Williamsburg and strolling around the brand-new branch of the Brooklyn Flea there. Sounds odd but I know plenty of people who do it for sheer entertainment and to stretch their legs.

       If you prefer a show, Book of Mormon is getting great reviews from my friends. The NYTimes also always publishes a Friday list of recommended jazz and art shows over the weekend if that’s more your scene. I always like to check websites like theskint and MUG for more offbeat ideas.

    3. The Met is open late on Saturdays and all day Sunday. It’s a fantastic place to wonder around. Check out the impressionists wing and the greek and roman galleries. It’s not a long trip for you, either. 5th and 82nd. If it’s not raining, you can walk through Central Park. The admission is pay what you wish, always.

       The Guggenheim (which is much more manageable in size) has a pay what you wish admission Saturday nights from either 5 or 6pm (normally around $20). It’s also on the Uppet East.

       The Frick is another fun museum on the Upper East, on East 70th/5th. Pay what you wish admission 11-1, Sunday mornings. It’s basically a fabulous old mansion.

       Moving on from museums — you don’t have to be religious to enjoy the Easter Parade tomorrow morn. on fifth ave. Most people who go just go to wear fun hats — and, man, are there some fun hats!

       Food-wise — if you are in East Midtown, there’s a place on 2nd between 51st and 52nd called Buttercup Bakeshop that’s fantastic! They have banana pudding with nilla wafers that’s too die for. Amazing cupcakes and magic cookie bars, too.

       Bloomingdales is on E59th and Lexington if you want to do some nearby shopping. Also near there is Zara (hit or miss, but sometimes hit) and a store called Daffys (E 57th btwn Park and Lex), which is sort of like a discounter but with a heavy amount of european brands you usually cant find in the US. Tons of chains, if you are interested in them, too: Sephora, BR, Gap, Levi’s, Urban Outfitters, VS, Naturalizer, etc. There’s much better shopping downtown, but this is near you so am including.

       Go have dinner somewhere fabulous — if you like ramen and pork buns, go to Momufuku Noodle Bar downtown (call ahead). If you like vegetarian, try Angelika Kitchen in the east Village (communal tables). Or go to Eataly and explore all the restaurants and food stalls there.

       Le Pain Quotidien is a chain of belgian bakeries that will guaranty a delicious cup of coffee for you — look for them wherever you go.

       Tomorrow morning, get the Sunday Times or something else you like to read and have a fabulous brunch. Sarabeth’s (I like the Madison Ave location), Good Enough to Eat (Upper West), or Clinton Street Baking Co. (downtown) are all fab options. I also really like Good on Greenwich Street in the West Village (and bonus — lots of cute boutiques nearby).

       Have fun!

       1. PS: If you want to see a show — there’s a TDF booth in Times Sq. and at South Street Seaport where you can buy same day tickets to great shows at about 50% off.

26. Hi,
    I’m going to a 5-day training on international oil & gas law in London this summer. The course website does not say anything about dress code (it is with Petroskills). I know I could get away with dressy separates (like a red jacket with gray slacks) at most CLE type events here in Illinois, although of course a suit would never be out of place. Is London &/or the oil industry more formal? Is it okay to wear the same suit more than once? I could just bring a bunch of suits, but it would be nice to pack light if possible.

27. Are red shoes like these too loud for the office?

    http://www.anntaylor.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=26582&N=1200014&pCategoryId=3941&categoryId=1466&Ns=CATEGORY_SEQ_1466&Nty=1&No=28&loc=TN&defaultColor=Black&defaultSizeType=Regular

    1. Definitely office appropriate! A friend of mine has that pair – the color is very rich and deep. I think red shoes are pretty classic actually – I would only worry if a pair was super bright, or very girly (buckle, strap, super high heel, bright patent leather) in a way that makes it seem teenager/barbie/country club party. But these I think look quite professional; I think they’d fly in the most conservative of offices (btw, my friend works in a BigLaw office in nyc and wears these all the time).

    2. I think even bright red heels are office appropriate so long as they’re a classic style and otherwise worn with a conservative outfit.

    3. I have these in black and grey and love them. They are extremely comfortable and have worn well. One comment: the heel feels higher than 3 1/3″ and I had to get used to it.

    4. I’d wear ’em once a week! They’re lovely.

28. I just got a brand new kindle as an early graduation present from my sister. I’m super excited to use it (especially since they are opening libraries up to Kindle soon!)

    So now of course I want to get a case to protect this thing (plus I love accessory cases). Does anyone have one that they love? I know Kate Spade makes cute ones but I figured I’d see if anyone had any suggestions or pros and cons to ones they’ve used before I look on my own and take the plunge.

    TYIA!

    1. I heart these:

       http://www.dvf.com/dvf/browse/productDetailWithPicker.jsp?productId=A1587237E10&categoryId=cat340022

    2. My husband and I have the Kindle official ones with the built-in booklight, and I’ve been really happy. (I think the built-in light is key personally, but they come in a cheaper version without the light.) The quality is very nice, comes in a variety of colors, I fold the cover back on itself all the time and it’s holding up well despite that, and the elastic closure has not stretched out at all. I also like the fact that the interior is a felt-type of fabric, so I can tuck my metro card behind my Kindle in the case and it “sticks” there for easy access on the train.

       http://www.amazon.com/Kindle-Lighted-Leather-Display-Generation/dp/B003DZ167A/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

       1. have either of you had problems with your case making your kindle behave oddly or stop working? It appears from some of the reviews that it happens occasionally.

          1. I had that problem with the regular cover (without the light), but Amazon had me send that one back and sent me a the one with the light after I called them. That was back in December–so they might have fixed the problem on the unlit one by then–if I remember correctly it was something about the hooks that hold the Kindle in the cover.

             The lighted cover is great though!

             1. I had the same issue and also had them replace it with the lighted cover for me. The story they gave me was that the unlighted one just replaced the wiring in the lighted one with a chunk of metal, which can short the kindle out when it’s jostled wrong.

          2. We have not had that problem. My husband’s worked perfectly from Day 1. I had to use pliers to slightly twist one of the hooks to make mine stay, but that took 5 seconds and now mine is great, too.

          3. yes! my dad had the same problem! its actually a known issue with where the brackets are placed. if you email them, they will send you a credit for a new cover (if you bought the one wo the light, they will give you a credit for the full price of one with the light) and they have pulled the offending one from thier site. if it killed your kindle (it killed my dad’s) just email them and let them know. they sent him a new kindle with no fuss at all. After my dad’s trouble, I emailed them and let them know i was worried, but hadn’t had a problem yet. they gave me a credit to upgrade the cover. No problem at all. Exceptional customer service! But yeah, the brackets on the no light amazon cover can totally kill your device…

    3. I like the Amazon Kindle case, actually. It is designed to hook into the Kindle on the side and it feels like a small notebook. Plus I like that the Kindle stays in the case while I’m reading it, so if I dropped it it would be in its case.

    4. I have this case: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0042AM7IM , and am pretty neutral on it.

       + it protects the Kindle well, even though it doesn’t seem as plushy or snug as some Macbook sleeves do. (Important for me since I commute with public transportation)
       – the zippered compartment is a major letdown. I thought I would be able to store the cord for the Kindle in the thing – no go. All it fits is something flat and small like paper

       Especially at that price, I’m not sure I’d recommend it really.

29. Hi all, I’m the one who posted Wednesday morning about my first mammogram. I had a biopsy yesterday and am now in the terrible waiting period for test results. Everyone was so helpful sharing stories and experiences before, I want to ask for more advice.

    My test results won’t be in until Wednesday at the earliest but more likely on Thursday or Friday. I have a closing Thursday which will have me occupied all day and will include a closing dinner. I will have to be on professionally all day and into the evening with multiple clients and counsel with whom I have been working for nearly two years now. My aunt (who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer) adivsed me to call my doctor and tell her when to contact me with the results so that I have control over where I am when I receive the news (ie, not stepping out of a meeting when I need to be composed). I like this idea but I’m already having a difficult time focusing on anything with the wait and I fear it will be torture to say don’t tell me until Friday morning if I don’t know by Wednesday but I have no control over my schedule Thursday and will definitely not have private time. Any thoughts? Suggestions? I don’t want to get this news at work but I also don’t want to be hung up on the waiting . . . it is killing me that I can’t run this weekend (biopsy was very painful and the doctor advised down time for a couple of days, will attempt running tomorrow to burn off this anxiety).

    1. I’ve been thinking good thoughts for you since you posted.

       Good luck. There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it now. Even if you knew, there’s still nothing you can do at this moment.

       Just be.

    2. I think your Aunt is right. Schedule the call. One more day will not make a difference for treatment but it will make a difference for your sanity. Knowing when you call is coming will make the wait more tolerable. Could you take the morning off Friday and have them call you then? Take the call at home and if it is good news and you still want to go to work, go for it. If it is bad news, you can just call out for the rest of the day.

       For exercise to burn off anxiety, what if you use a recumbant bike? That way you wouldn’t have any bouncing to deal with but could still get the cardio your brain needs?

       Good luck! I am thinking of you too.

    3. The waiting really does suck. You are in a tough spot with respect to work, but IMHO, I think the way to go is to tell the doctor you really would like to get the results on Wed., but if not possible, give you the news on Friday. You can’t have a deal closing and a closing dinner and then have this kind of news sprung on you. Also if Thursday is a possibility for the doctor to call, you will be waiting for that call all day instead of focused on the deal. As for exercise, how about yoga?

    4. I’d vote for certainty over uncertainty here. If you know that the call will come on Friday (not before and not after), then you will be able to focus on your professional obligations all day Thursday. In fact, the day may even go more quickly. And then you’ll be ready on Friday and — bonus — have all weekend to absorb the news in private.

       Good luck!

       1. I agree with getting the results on Friday. You wouldn’t have to worry about getting the results Wednesday night before a big day or Thursday when you need to focus. You can only do what is best for yourself. Good luck!!! Wishing you the best!

    5. Thanks again everyone. I ended up going for a run last night that I thought may end up being a walk but without pain I ended up with a one hour run that felt amazing. NYC was surprisingly beautiful today so I met a friend for brunch and long walk.
       I have definitely decided to contact my doctor tomorrow and request to get the news on Friday morning. I think an actual appointment will be easier than being on pins and needles every time my phone rings and the idea of stepping out of a conference room is absurd the more I think about it.
       This will be a long week but I’m actually feeling great and ready to take on whatever comes. One thing I will say that has given me an incredible amount of comfort is I sat down to write a list of who I want to know as my support network (especially since I am single and live far from my family) and without much thought my list exceeded 40 names. Even without sharing my current anxiety with more than 3-4 people on that list, it is incredibly comforting to know they are out there ready to support me if needed. I highly recommend the exercise for anyone feeling lonely. Busy work and family lives can separate everyone so much but it helps to know there are friends and family who would step up when necessary for support.

       1. You’ll be in my thoughts all week. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I didn’t post on the last thread, but I went through the exact same thing 4 years ago, at the age of 24. Everything turned out to be just fine. What I remember most from that time was the anxiety of just waiting around. I hope you get the same good news I did. Having an appointment to discuss the results will be much better than just knowing they’ll call sometime from Wednesday on because, like you said, you won’t be on pins and needles every time your phone rings.

          And, good luck with the closing.

30. Hi ladies,
    I came across this articles about going shampoo-free…
    http://thehairpin.com/2011/04/how-to-quit-shampoo-without-becoming-disgusting
    I have to admit, I’m a little intrigued! My hair has always been one of my best features, but over time has gotten increasingly frizzy/fragile/thin. I wonder if this more natural approach really does work wonders… I’m spending my summer studying for the bar exam, so I actually could spend the month of June with my hair in a ponytail. :)
    Has anyone tried this? Know someone who’s tried it? If yes – what were the results, and what techniques did you use?
    THANKS!

    1. Point i had trained my hair to be Not to that extent but at one point I had trained my hair to shampoo every other day. It was much shinier. My problem with not shampooing was that it made my thin hair really flat.

    2. I shampoo maybe once every months or so, usually the weak before I get my hair colored. I co-wash with conditioner about twice a week. I thought it was weird at first, but now it’s my normal. I do have a creme wash I use in the summer if I’ve been in chlorine, but otherwise, no-poo!

    3. I can’t speak to straight hair, but for curly hair the no shampooing thing is good advice. For a while I did no shampoo at all (I used the conditioner cleansing method). But a few months ago I started using special “No-Poo” conditioner for curly hair that doesn’t have the harsh lathering ingredients that make regular shampoo so bad. I use that once or twice a week and get good results.

    4. For straight hair, I think it’s going to be hard to go no shampoo at all. You can probably go down to once every 3 days if you switch to a shampoo that doesn’t have sulfates or other harsh chemicals. I find if I use products with harsh chemicals, my scalp starts to get oily and itchy if I don’t wash every day. It’s not nearly so bad with the gentler shampoos. Your water is also going to make a difference as well. If you’re wetting it and conditioning it in hard water, it’s going to get very dry if you don’t condition or put some moisturizing treatment in.

       1. i agree with this – i have fine straight dark hair, which i can get away w/ shampooing every three days. somehow, though, on the fourth day, it is a grease slick that no amount of cornstarch or dry shampoo can tame! i am happy being able to cut down shampooing to 1-2x a week, though, and think my hair has definitely improved in condition (no more split ends or fuzzies).

31. I twisted my knee and ankle playing sports yesterday. They were both stable but despite elevation, icing and wrapping, my ankle is so swollen now that I can barely move it. Do I suck it up for the rest of the weekend or go to the ER?

    1. I have no formal medical training, but I did date an EMT for a while when I was in law school. If you are up and in pain at 3:25 a.m. I think you deserve some relief. At a very minimum, it sounds like you will need crutches or some sort of ambulatory device to get around for the next couple of weeks or so, and some more powerful anti-inflamatories than aspirin or Motrin.

       If you want my advice, I say to go to the ER or some other urgent care location that can take an X ray, and an MRI to see if you have any broken bones as well as a torn miniscus, ACL or other tendons.

       In all likelihood you will be there on Monday anyway, so I would go sooner rather than later.

    2. It’s probably a sprain, in which case there’s nothing an ER doc would likely do for you anyway, except maybe give you crutches if you can’t walk on it. See a doc for an x-ray if you develop bruising in your foot, though; usually indicates a tear.

    3. If it is that swollen, I would go get it checked out. My brother rolled his ankle playing soccer over Christmas, and was convinced it was just a sprain (he’s a military doctor, BTW). He did elevation, icing and wrapping, but two days later it still hurt every bit as much, so he finally got an MRI done at the hospital in which he was working. Turns out he actually broke his ankle, and had been limping around on it unnecessarily for two days. The only treatment was aspirin and crutches – but it turns out getting the foot MRI’d was super-important because if you do have a small fracture down there and a small piece of your bone breaks off and goes unnoticed, there can be serious consequences down the road. Luckily for him that wasn’t the case and it healed with time. So — I would say if your foot still really hurts 24 hours after the incident, go get it checked out!

    4. See if you can find an urgent care center. Not sure of your insurance situation, but a visit is usually cheaper than an ER visit and they should be able to treat you just as well for a suspected sprain/strain. Also tends to be less wait (in my experience).

    5. Thanks for the suggestions. I hate going to the ER and try to avoid it like the plague. I could be bleeding or have a limb missing and would probably still try to avoid going!

32. Can anyone comment on the fit of Talbots suits? Their seasonless wool is half off right now and I’m in dire need of a new suit. (In the UK, so no stores here for try ons). Thanks!

    1. I got this jacket from them a few weeks ago (with matching skirt and pants): http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi26017&rootCategory=cat70010&catId=cat110052&sortKey=Default&section=Regular&conceptIdUnderSale=cat70010. I returned it right away. The fit of the skirt and pants were ok (although the pants were a little big, and I would have had to tailor them). The jacket was awful. Not even really too big or too small, but the cut is just terribly unflattering. Maybe there is some body type out there that it would look good on, but I don’t know what that would be.

       I did, however, get a great basic suit at Banana Republic the other day. It was 40% off in store (not sure if it still is or not), but they’re also have a 35% off sale online today. I’d check that out if you just want a really basic wool suit.

    2. I actually have the jacket that Anon didn’t think would fit anyone, and it’s flattering on me. I’m 5’9″ and usually a size 12 (with broad former-swimmer shoulders). The seasonless wool doesn’t have much (if any) stretch, so I find it wrinkles easily. I would not recommend that you pay shipping, etc. to order online.

33. Hoping you wise ladies can give me some advice about telling a new employer that I’m pregnant. I’m a recent biglaw lateral and got pregnant with my 2nd child (completely unplanned) just a few weeks in, and it’s getting to the point now where I need to tell them before it becomes obvious. I love the job and am really paranoid about looking like I was trying to game the system, although at the same time I am hoping that I’ll get some paid leave despite not having been there a year when the baby is born (which is the official policy to qualify for the generous benefit). Anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice other than just to tell the partners that I’m expecting, that I anticipate being able to work normally until my due date if all continues to go well and that I’m definitely coming back afterwards? How should I broach the leave question? Thanks so much for any thoughts.

    1. I do not have kids so take my advice with a grain of salt. But, I think if I were in your shoes, I would try to let my employer know this was unplanned – for the same reasons you wrote – you weren’t trying to “game the system.” You could broach it like “I have some unexpected questions about your maternity benefits. I wasn’t planning on needing them but life threw me a curve ball. We are thrilled, just wish the timing was better. What sort of benefits will I be eligible for on x date. I fully plan to return to work after.”

       1. Eep, as someone who is 8 months pregnant, I could not imagine discussing whether my pregnancy was planned or unplanned with a partner. That is absolutely no one’s business and I would hope it wouldn’t affect the way an employer would treat an employee. Frankly, that a pregnancy was unplanned isn’t necessarily something that I think helps you. I think you tell the partners exactly what you wrote–that you’re expecting, that you plan and hope to be able to work normally, and you intend to return. The leave-related questions are for HR only–most Biglaw partners are not going to have a clue about the maternity leave policy. You’ll be able to show in the time that you have that you’re a hard worker and that you weren’t trying to game the system–not that anyone should accuse you of that anyway, as you aren’t technically entitled to leave, so it would be a pretty poor “gaming” anyway. Definitely reach out to other female associates in your office or other offices who have just come back from leave or who are also pregnant–they will be your best resources for navigating HR and tips on broaching the news with partners.
          And congratulations! Best wishes for a happy and healthy 9 months.

       2. No. Do not ever share this level of personal information with a superior or with any colleagues who aren’t also close friends. Ever.

    2. Did you develop any sort of relationship with the lateral hiring staff member during your interview process? At my biglaw firm, the lateral recruiting manager would be a great resource. Is there an attorney development person in your firm? HR may also be a good place to start with leave questions– you could ask what has been done for attorneys in your position before. At my firm, leave is determined on a case-by-case basis for attorneys who have been with the firm for less than a year (and, yes, we have had more than one woman lateral into my group while pregnant).

       You know your department better than any of us do, but I would not tell the partners you’re working with that this pregnancy was unexpected. It’s not going to make anyone who’s irritated less so, and there’s no need to (metaphorically speaking) invite colleagues into your bedroom.

    3. I’ve had coworkers in a similar situation. Just tell them you’re pregnant. By the time you go on maternity leave you’ll have been working for 9 months. That’s hardly a new employee. And there’s no “system” to “game” – you’re entitled to the leave. They don’t have to give you any leave, legally, if you haven’t worked there for a year – so if their policies allow you to get leave, that’s a business decision the firm has made and you are entitled to take advantage of it.

    4. I was in your exact shoes and was just as concerned as well. I think your partners’ and firms’ reaction will tell you a lot about the firm. When I told my partners not to worry because I’ll be back, they didn’t seem concerned at all. The only downside is, as you know, you may not be eligible for FMLA leave. I took only 2 months’ leave. While that was really short compared to Biglaw, I was happy to go back to a job that I love and where I can build a long-term career. My firm was very generous in that, even though I was not eligible for any paid leave, they gave me some pay anyway since I had worked so hard up until my leave. I waited for my firm to broach the topic though, which was hard because I was getting bigger every week and they didn’t schedule a meeting to discuss these arrangements until my 3rd trim. By the way, don’t say anything about planned or unplanned – it’s not their business and frankly, you aren’t getting any unfair advantage, so if anyone thinks that, then they’re not very smart.

34. Anyone have extensive experience with ZipCars? My car lease expired and I currently live at home so I often have access to a car (especially at night). However, there are going to be some weekends that I want to take trips so I would need my own car. I was going to sign up for another lease, but I am starting to think that I don’t need one for the summer and I could just use a ZipCar. I am studying for the bar so I’ll be taking public transit to the classes and studying at home most of the time. I can run to my gym (which I like to do as an extra to working out) and even with budgeting for a LOT of days, zip cars seem to be WAY cheaper.

    My only problem is getting the car. Most Zipcars are a bit of a drive for me, and I’m worried that when I need one there won’t be one close to me.

    Anyone have any experience they care to share?

    1. No, but I noticed their lot by me has a Mini Convertible. Makes me tempted to try them.

    2. Zipcar is not that competitive vs traditional rental agencies for day/weekend use. If you won’t have cars near you, it makes more sense to go for a traditional rental for weekend trips. Isn’t it Enterprise that advertises “we’ll pick you up”?

    3. I think we figured out that ZipCar makes the most sense for afternoon errands, etc — for weekend getaways, the “normal” rental companies were more cost effective. However, either way I suspect you’re better off than leasing.

    4. If you’re still in school right now, you should see if your university has a group membership. I joined in law school for no membership fee because I was affiliated with the university. That made it no risk, since I just had to pay for what I would use instead of putting in the membership fee, too.

       I agree with others, though, that Zipcar probably won’t be the best option for overnights. Also, other companies (like Hertz in NYC, I think) have gotten into the hourly car rentals, so it’s something else to look into.

    5. Yep, I’m a regular Zipcar user. No complaints. I recommend buying a damage waiver because otherwise if the car has any damage to it during your trip you’ll get hit with up to a $750 deductible (it’s not like owning your own car where you can decide that it’s not worth fixing the dent in the door or something; Zipcar always fixes it).

       Whether it’s more cost effective than a regular rental depends on a few factors. Since I don’t have my own car, I don’t have car insurance. So I have to buy insurance from the rental company when I rent a car. Also, with Zipcar your gas is included up to 180 miles per day. At $4+ gallon, having to put half a tank of gas in a rental car adds another $20 to the cost. So even for a day trip, I find that it’s a wash, and Zipcar’s a lot more convenient for me. For hourly trips, of course, Zipcar is fantastic.

       If you go with Hertz’s hourly plan instead of Zipcar, be aware that the insurance they offer is only the minimum legally required coverage. The same is true for Zipcar if you are under age 21. If you’re over 21, Zipcar’s coverage is comprehensive up to $300,000 in damages.

35. I need some suggestions… I have a teenage daughter who is blessed with a bigger chest. She is a size 4 in jeans but a D-cup on top. She is wanting a bikini for this summer but we can’t find anything that is stylish and hip that doesn’t show her new boyfriend all the goods. Any suggestions?

    We have tried…. PacSun, American Eagle, Hollister, Target, JCPenneys, Dillards, Macys… everything has her falling out of the top or bottom of the binkini tops. Please don’t recommend a string bikini… not going to happen. I would like to find a bandeau type top that might have an underwire. BTW, she refuses to look at Lands End or Athleta… she says she doesn’t want to look like a mom. Help????? And price would help… I just can’t see spending over $100 but if I have to…..

    1. Have you tried JCrew? They have approximately 1,000,000 swimsuit options. I took a quick browse, and it looked like they had a few versions of every type of top imaginable. Here’s an example of one that has an underwire:

       http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/swim/patternsandprints/PRDOVR~41912/41912.jsp

    2. I can’t speak from personal experience, but a good friend swears by JCrew’s underwire bikini tops because you can order them by bra size. Click on “special sizes” under Jcrew swim – lots of options. She also likes Shoshanna swimwear (sp?).

    3. Lands End sells swimsuits by cup size up to a DDD cup. They have sume surprisingly cute stuff. Perhaps send her some pics of their swimsuits without telling her where they’re from. I mean, this doesn’t scream “mom” to me: http://www.landsend.com/pp/StylePage-402387_AJ.html

       There are some lingerie sites that also sell suits by cup size- including Bravissimo, Figleaves, and BareNecessities. this is pretty cute – wish I were a size 4 so I could buy it: http://www.figleaves.com/us/product.asp?product=Butterfly-Blue-by-figleavescom-Katie-Bandeau&product_id=FIG-SS117100&size=&colour=Blues

       I also have had more luck at specialized swimsuit stores, th

       1. Drat – the one I posted doesn’t come in a D cup. But this one does – adorable: http://www.figleaves.com/us/product.asp?product=Midnight-Grace-by-figleavescom-Biarritz-Underwired-Bandeau&product_id=FIG-SS117194&size=34d&colour=Pinks

    4. Have you tried Coco Reef/Coco Rave at Dillard’s? You said you checked there but those are the brands that have the cup sizes and are all separates. Coco Rave is the more juniors oriented brands.

    5. I haven’t tried them, but Victoria’s Secret sells tons of bathing suits, including underwire ones. I love miraclesuit as a reasonable price for a one-piece that holds up my 34DDs without worrying they’ll fall out if a good wave hits me, but they might be too “mom” for her and i don’t think they make bikinis. Some of the one-piece suits have a cute retro pinup vibe, though (at least, that’s what I’m telling myself)

    6. My daughter is the same DD with size 2/4 jeans. Just gotta say up-front that over $100 is probably necessary, sorry.

       My daughter has had good luck with Tommy Bahama, which has D/DD tops. They don’t look like “Mom” tops to me (but I’m a mom so what do I know). http://www.tommybahama.com/TBG/Swim_Womens/D_DD_Cup_Sizes.jsp

    7. I second the suggestion for J. Crew. They specifically cater to the D-cup crowd with their bathing suit tops, which frankly is surprising since I’ve found that hardly any of their actual clothes fit an XL bust. Also, I would not rule out string bikini tops simply because she is a D-cup. I am significantly larger than that and I have surprisingly actually had some luck in that area. She’ll never know until she tries the top on!

       1. Thanks for all the suggestions… I will take a look tonight when I get home… my work computer won’t let me access some of the sites…. he he.

          Call me a prude… but my opinion on string bikinis — too revealing for her age. I feel the same way about Victoria’s secret. She is modest and agrees about not wanting to show all the goods. Ha… I think when I googled modest bikini my computer actually laughed. Sex kitten is not the image she needs to send. What makes it even more laughable is that some sites sell push-ups for d cup bikinis…. what?? If you are that large do you really need to push up?

          1. You may need the extra padding/structure a pushup provides. Unfortunately a lot of swimsuit tops don’t have any support and that’s far more problematic than the pushup. The pushup is thicker and shows less when you get cold, if you know what I mean. I think you’re being a little bit too restrictive about the options. VS has a variety of different tops/bottoms ranging from modest to revealing.

          2. Also check that maybe you can pull out the “push-up” part, if it’s just little pads they might come out easily and your daughter might not need them. I have 32Ds and have a halter style top from J Crew. I can’t remember if I got the D cup or not, because 32D is different than 34D, see previous thread on cup size being proportional to band size, so styles specific for Ds don’t always work. Anyway, I am very happy with my J Crew suit – I have the halter top and briefs that aren’t quite boy shorts, but similar, with strings you pull to ruche up the sides. I did pay in the neighborhood of $80-$90 – one good thing is that you can return online orders to the stores, so that does save shipping things back.

             How about places like Kohl’s or even Old Navy – will your daughter do a tankini? It would provide more coverage. Title 9 might be worth a shot, too, they remind me of Athleta but may skew a bit younger in your daughter’s eyes. And I am totally busted to find out that Athleta is too “mom” looking because I think their stuff is really cute. Guess I’m old.

          3. Light padding/pushup can actually be more modest by ensuring her breasts sit correctly in the bra and providing a bi more coverage to prevent against visible nipples. So don’t write them off entirely.

          4. I’m a 34DDD and I’ve worn pushups for years because the lift they give me makes me feel less saggy…it actually might work! Maybe not in the bikini format but definitely the bra format.

    8. I’m a 34DDD and I’ve worn pushups for years because the lift they give me makes me feel less saggy…it actually might work! Maybe not in the bikini format but definitely the bra format.

       1. Hey everyone –

          Thanks for the great tips…She reluctantly sat down to look at Lands End canvas suits with me last night and she fell in love with one of their bikinis. Thanks Noner for the tip….Lands End Canvas was the ticket. I also like that I can return it at Sears if needed. FYI – great coupon code out there… free shipping plus $10 off.

          Thanks so much for all the comments about pushups …. something that you have to consider when dealing with a teenager… they are more “perky” than the rest of us… a push up just makes her look about 2 sizes bigger. Especially when you are a size small already. I appreciate extra padding but no need to boost them up any further. ;)

          BTW… I thought J Crew was high but then a friend sent me a 30% coupon code… if you don’t have it already go to retailmenot. Have a great day.

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