Weekly News Update

23 Comments

1. Can you smart woman please give me some advice?

   I was working for a corporation in a small specialized group for 2 years before my twins were born. I knew there was no way I’d be able to hack a full time schedule (most weeks 4o hours, some weeks 50-60). While on maternity leave the director of my group offered me a contract part-time schedule of 20 hours per week. This was agreed upon both orally and in a written contract. This schedule has worked out great for me. I get out of the house and I’m able to contribute to a team outside of my children. My twins just turned one year old and I’ve been on the part time schedule for the last 10 months. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been tough (for me and my employer). One of my twins was hospitalized with RSV for 2 weeks when he was 3 months old, they’ve gotten Hand Foot Mouth (Jan) and most recently our entire family got the flu (Mar). I missed 2 weeks of work for the RSV episode, 1 week for HFM and 1 week for the flu. There is absolutely nothing I could do about missing this time. My director said in the beginning that he knew health and other things would crop up and that’s why he suggested a contract arrangement so that my schedule would be more flexible. There is one other mom in our group that is also a contractor and a mother of 3 children (school aged if it matters). Our busy time is January – March. The other contractor mom normally works about 20 hours per week but stepped up her game to 40 hours at times in January (unknown to me because the other contractor works from home and I work in the office). My director had a conversation with me on Monday about how he feels like I’m not committed to the team, etc. He said he wishes I would’ve stepped up like the other contractor did. I feel like it’s my warning for “you’re on thin ice”. I’ve never in my life not met expectations. Before babies I was there on evenings, weekends, etc. My priorities have changed. My babies come first. When they’re sick and screaming because they have a fever of 103, I don’t have a choice but to be with them (we have nanny but two babies with a fever of 103 is a two person job). I feel kind of blindsided by my director. I did what I agreed to – 20 hours per week other than the times I wasn’t able to be there because my babies were sick. There were times when I wasn’t as dependable as I wish I could’ve been. I really like my job and don’t want to lose it. Now that we’re going into summer I hope my babies will get sick less and that I’ll be more dependable.

   Having twins is 10X harder than I ever though it would be. I seriously don’t know how mothers of twins work full time. You’re a total rockstar if you’ve done it. I was thinking about asking my director if we can go to lunch next week to discuss a few things. I feel totally blindsided by him. He said I didn’t step up my game in January and February and he’s disappointed by that. I did what I agreed to – 20 hours per week. I can’t live up to standards I don’t know about. If he wanted me there, he could have said “would you mind coming in Friday, we could really use your help on x, y, and z”. Instead he waited until our busy time is over to reprimand me for not working more. Do I ask him to lunch and discuss this further or do I just let things lie where they are and try and step up my game? We don’t rely on this job to live. The extra money is nice but for me it’s more about being in the workforce. It would be pretty hard for me to find another job making similar $. Also to note, there is additional stress in our office because the company is not doing well and the future is unknown.

   I realize my thoughts aren’t the most organized. I’m trying to be sure to paint a realistic picture of both sides here. I’m just really stressed and sad about this situation. Any words of advice???

   1. Twin mom here, but mine are now 8 and are super easy because they compete with each other to see who gets changed first, who gets their homework done first, etc. Yes, twins are 10x’s harder than 1 (I have a third kid) when they are little. Extremely exhausting and work stress does not contribute in a positive way. I have been working full-time ever since they were 11 weeks old, but relied on a really amazing nanny for 3 years, then an all-day preschool.

      As a total outsider who knows nothing more than what you have written here, I think you need to find a new job. This is everything: “there is additional stress in our office because the company is not doing well and the future is unknown.” Why continue to sacrifice and put in all of this work when you are not sure there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?!? Imagine if you knew that layoffs were coming in a year or two – what can you now, that will put you on course to be in a position where you will be actually happy to go to work? I’ve worked with directors your yours and I think what he did was messed-up – not only did he sandbag you after busy season, but he just does not “get it,” and will never be all that supportive of you as a working mother, in which case again, why would you want to keep working for him long-term?

      Being a working mom means you have to like your job more and work with more understanding and supportive people than if you were a single person without kids. You have to like your job more because the opportunity cost is so high. I suggest that you rethink whether this is the best arrangement for you and see if you can network and get your resume out and find a better place to land than your current place. I took a pay cut AND need to work more hours than in my previous job, but I’m way happier knowing that a) my partners are straight-shooters and won’t be throwing me under the bus, and b) if a kid is sick, I can leave and not feel any guilt about it. The paycut sucks, but I am long-term greedy and my mental health has improved by spades. Good luck.

      1. What did you do when both babies got really sick and it was a 2 person job? I don’t even know where my kids pick this crap up…they’re not even in daycare.

         1. So, weird as it is, I don’t recall when both babies got sick at the same time – even now, when one gets sick, the other one may or may not get it the following week. When one was sick and the other was not, one of us took the day off and took care of the sick one, but usually only until it was on the mend (so, typically only a day or two). But my husband and I took turns leaving work (we both work full-time) and we are both in jobs where we can do some work from home and be responsive to e-mails, etc. so we’re not taking it totally off. We have also did something where one of us will shoot into the office early and come back after lunch and let the other one log on and do work from afternoon to evening. We don’t have any family nearby so that’s kind of our only option. If your husband cannot help trade shifts with you, perhaps you have family nearby who can help?

            1. Thanks Hollis. No family nearby…complicates things more.

   2. You should repost this in the afternoon, because virtually no one reads the mid-day post. I can tell you, however, that as a mother of twins, it is difficult, but very rewarding.

   3. You need much better childcare arrangements. I don’t understand how you can feel totally blindsided by him? Of course he knows that babies get sick and you need a much more flexible schedule which is exactly why he offered you this arrangement but you can’t just miss 2 weeks here and 1 week there and 1 more week over here and not make up for it during the busy time. I truly wish things were easier for working mothers but you cannot feel blindsided by his reaction.

      1. This isn’t about asking you to work more than 20 hours/week. Your director is asking you to actually work 20 hours/week. You need back up care so that you don’t miss work when the kids are sick. It sucks but that is the state of our country. You don’t get to personally be there every time they are sick and continue to meet the minimum expectations of your job. Bosses will make exceptions for life threatening things or if your child is hospitalized but not for flu after flu and normal childhood ailments. Do you have a spouse? Your spouse needs to split the time off with you at a minimum so that it is not just impacting your job. Can you fly in a family member when the kids are sick? Pay a SAHM friend to watch them? Does your employer offer on-call sick care like some big firms?

      2. +1 on this. It sounds like you guys have had some challenging health care issues recently, but I’ve literally never missed a whole week at work for illness (mine, my kids’, etc.) — knock wood. I have a nanny and my time off for a sick kid is usually maybe 1/2 a day to go to the doctor — then the kid goes back to the nanny’s care.

         At the end of the day, you need to be looking for a new role, as it sounds like this one isn’t going to work, but 100% agree with the advice that you need to go into to your next job with much better childcare arrangements.

         1. OP here. I think this may be a case of having twins is really f’ing hard.I hate to throw out the twins are so hard card but I’m gonna do it. I think what the parents of singletons do not understand is having 2 sick infants at the same time. It is a 2 person job. I can’t afford to pay 2 nannies. Maybe I just need to say f it, quit this job, stay home for a year and try again in a year. Will I be a healthy, sane person at the end of that one year??? Probably not..because staying home with small children for longer than 2 days makes me very mentally unstable.

            1. I have multiple kids so have had to deal with more than one sick kid at a time — admittedly not two infants — but I don’t think the “twins so hard” card is going to avoid you figuring out an alternate solution (and I say that honestly and not meant in a mean way AT ALL). Whether the solution is alternating with husband, finding a second person who can somewhat be “on-call” when kids get very sick (we have a nice retired grandmotherly lady near us who will do back-up when our nanny is sick — usually with only a day or two warning), or figure out a way for your nanny to take care of both kids at the same time — SOMETHING is going to have to get figured out if you want to keep working, because very few jobs are going to be OK with continuing sick time like you’ve been using.

               Is your job one that can be done, in whole or in part, at off-hours? If so, one way to make it work would be to work your 20 hours even if you’re at home (e.g., if from 8-6 you need to be focused on sick child care, hope online at 7 pm after husband is home and work 7-12. Yes that s*cks, but that may be what your boss is expecting you to do.

      3. +1,000

         I didn’t have twins, but when my son was little my mantra was “you’re only as good as your backup child care arrangements.”

         I agree that you didn’t do what you agreed to do — you worked 20 hours a week except for the FOUR WEEKS when you didn’t. That’s a lot of missed work and I can understand your boss being unhappy about it.

      4. OP here. What do you suggest as far as better childcare goes? I have a nanny, but when both babies are very sick it’s a 2 person job. Maybe I need to make my husband pony up more and stay home with them and the nanny, rather than me always being the default parent.

         1. You need to have backup in place, whatever that looks like. An agency you can call, or a nurse, or a relative or friend, or whatever. Somebody on call at a moment’s notice — preferably multiple somebodies. You also need this because sooner or later the nanny is going to get sick or quit. You are working without a net and as you are learning, it’s way too dangerous.

            1. So pay 2 nannies to stay home with them when their sick?? If it gets to that point I’m just done. I seriously can’t deal with the stress of this anymore. I’m just so far past done with life right now. I can’t make my work life work and if I stay home with 2 toddlers everyday I’m going to jump of a cliff. No kidding.

         2. And yes times a million to “make my husband pony up more!”

            1. +1000

   4. Your priorities have changed, but our country’s have not. Welcome to the US of A, where we are expected to limit the number of days we are sick, as though that were a choice. (When I asked about sick days at the company where I worked in Europe, I literally had to explain the concept of “how many days per year may I be sick”. They thought it was absurd–and they were right!) Anyway, you are here now, and employed at a normal company. It’s awful. I chose being with my kid when he needed me, and took big professional hits for that. Good luck to you!

2. A big virtual hug for you – you’re doing great. This won’t last forever. Right now, you don’t need to thrive at work. You just need to survive, job intact, until a year or so from now when everything will be SO much better. The hardest part for me during that stage of babies/working was the fact that you don’t have any proof yet that it won’t always be like this. I promise, it won’t always be like this.
   I’ve got a two step plan for you. You may need to call in a few favors (from husband, family, a babysitter, whatever it takes). This is to help you figure out the right answer for yourself – you can do it! Only you know your situation. But you have to create the time and space to find the answer. I understand how impossible that seems with a job and 2 babies. But motherhood is about doing hard things that are worth it. And this is worth it.
   1) Promise yourself not to think about this situation any more for the rest of the day. You’re going to handle it tomorrow instead, at a specified time, so you don’t need to worry now. Do whatever you can to get a good night’s sleep tonight (ask husband to handle the night wakings for one night in return for you doing the same on a future night?). If you can grab a few minutes for a book, bath, or workout, even better. Remember, you’re not being selfish, you’re doing this to save your career, for the benefit of your family.
   2) Tomorrow, block off a solid hour where you can work though this in your mind uninterrupted. (Wake up early? Block your calendar at work? Stay late for a “meeting” and shut your door?). Sit down with a blank pad of paper, write out your worries, brainstorm all the possible solutions, and really focus in a good frame of mind. Your goal by the end of the hour is to come up with an action plan – a series of concrete steps to take.

   Hang in there, and good luck. You can do it!

   1. Thank you anon. I posted a big long blurb in the afternoon discussion and I think I’ve got my head on straight. I’m hoping now that cold and flu season are wrapping up we can have a peaceful spring and summer on the sickness front. I appreciate your kind words and thoughtful response. I need to stop being so nice to everyone is a lot of my problem.

      1. I think it’s also important to remember that the serious illnesses your kids experienced aren’t the norm. As they get older, you might miss a day when they have a cold, not a whole week.

3. I don’t have kids, so I know I have absolutely no room in this discussion. But just wanted to say OP that my heart goes out to you. I think some folks are being too dismissive. RSV can be life-threatening. I have a hard enough time finding dog care in a pinch, I can’t imagine sick child care is so simple or something that can always be handed off so readily. If it were me, I would try to maximize what I can do on the good hours or weeks. (Work the free evening moments you can once your husband is back. After being out or on weeks when you see workload is high for folks, work all that much harder–and longer.)Occasionally be proactive if you see it is likely a busy day or week ask folks if they may need help. When you occasionally go beyond the 20, it’s going to make those times when you go under the 20 a lot easier for folks to see as “fair.”

   1. You’re right and now that the babies are older and sleeping through the night I can push it more. When I was getting up 2-3 per night it was a joke even thinking about working 20 hours per week, now I think I can do better.

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