Holiday Weekend Open Thread

325 Comments

1. Does anyone have experience with dandruff, oiliness and itchy scalp if you miss shampooing just 1 day? I am using head and shoulders shampoo and conditioner, but if I miss just 1 day of shampooing, I get flakes and it’s just gross. I tried doing what people have suggested and have gone 3 or 4 days without shampooing to see if my scalp gets used to not overproducing oil, but after several weeks of discomfort, I just gave up. Any suggestions?

   1. Go see a dermatologist. FWIW, I find regular use of any of the special shampoos (Head and Shoulders, T-Gel, etc.) exasperates the problem. I like using Trader Joes’s tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner now that my derm and I figured out what was going on with my scalp.

      1. If you don’t mind me asking, what was the ultimate diagnosis?

         1. Just seeing this. Just a spreading of my psoriasis. I’ve always had light P on my face, no where else. In fourth grade I had a beard of P. It was awful. Anyway, it was always isolated on my face but after hormone freak outs from pregnancies (though I assume with age it could have just happened anyway), it’s on my scalp all the time now. If I skip shampooing of my regular schedule (I’m about an every-other-day), all the built up shedding is really apparent. I could have opted for an Rx, but have decided to wait to go that route. It’s annoying and very apparent to me but my very honest husband and bf say that can’t tell most of the time. When it escalates, I’ll revisit.

   2. This happens to my daughter . We have had good luck with a clarifying shampoo used weekly and tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner daily. (We get a generic version from Sally’s). It also helps when she is careful not to touch her hair too much.

   3. Head & Shoulders is way too harsh on your scalp to use every day. Stripping your hair of its natural oils like that will just encourage your hair to produce more oil and yucky stuff.

   4. I’ve had luck with adding a tablespoon of coconut oil in my coffee. I had really large, flaky patch framing my hairline that caused big embarrassing chunks of dandruff. I was so frustrated I even tried rubbing St. Ives face scrub into that part of my scalp trying to get rid of it. After two months of drinking coconut oil in my coffee, the patches are gone.

      1. What? How interesting. Is it just a matter of consuming oil or does it need to be with coffee?

2. Hi hive. I could use some advice or at least some sympathy hugs. I have been told that my position will likely be eliminated soon (company financial reasons – not just my position). I am also currently 38 weeks pregnant, so not the best timing. If you were in my position, how long would you wait into your maternity “leave” before starting to look for a new job? I am thinking that I will still need some time to recover/enjoy my baby before going gung-ho into a new job search, i.e. the 3 months I would have taken if I kept this job. Ideally, I would probably like 6 months off, and then start something new, but I am not sure how long it will take to find something. I am in law, working in-house now.

   We can survive on SO’s salary for a while, but it would not be enough to cover daycare on top of our other expenses, so figuring out a care situation is also tricky. We have emergency savings which could cover this, but I don’t want to dip into this unnecessarily for too long if I am home.

   I am not sure what sort of severance I will get – would that change your opinion? Thanks for listening.

   1. If they were kind, they’d fire you when you were on leave, so you’d have health care through your delivery (and then could go on unemployment).

      I had a friend who volunteered to get RIFed when she was third trimester and this is how it went down. She got something w/in 6 months and it is a story that doesn’t get future employers riled up about why you are out of work / took longer to look.

   2. First, it sounds like it’s not definitely happening. So wait until it does. If it does, don’t be shy about pushing for more severance. If they’re eliminating your position while you’re on maternity leave, they need to mitigate risk that you sue and should pay for a release from you. To that end, if you get the news, be cordial, but don’t say anything like, “I understand” or mention the company financial reasons. Let them think about how they’ll prove it wasn’t discrimination if they need to.

      I’d try to start sending in online applications almost immediately. There can be a big lag time between submission and getting called, so that’s a low-pressure way to dip your toe in. When you have the wherewithal after the baby comes, start sounding out your contacts.

      1. +1. Firing pregnant ladies = recipe for lawsuit, and they know that, so DEFINITELY push for more severance if + when it happens.

   3. My role was cut at 5 months pregnant. I got a years severance. I was (a) with the company for 6 years (b) had a gold-plated resume and 4 promotions in 6 years (they were idiots to let me go, says everyone that worked there, even now) (c) executive level (longer sev packages the higher up in the food chain you are- our CxOs get 18 months) and (d) pregnant.

      I think if your severance is reasonable, great. But negotiate/push back/speak to an att’y if necessary. DEFINATELY push for them to continue to pay their part of health insurance through 2016 [assuming you are not on your husbands- I was so this was a non issue and I used it as a chip to get more sev], worst they can say is no.

      Is there any way you could start your disability leave now, if you have it? In previous pregnancies I started may leave a week before my due date. If you start now and they terminate you while on disability, you may get to keep receiving payment (MAY- talk to your carrier!). Worst case they don’t term you and you come back to your job 2 weeks early.

      Re: job applications, I’d say put feelers out now that you’ll be in the market this summer. You may get nibbles, bites, or nothing but at least it’s something. The day I found out my role was eliminated I ran through my LinkedIN inbox and pinged any somewhat legit recruiter that had reached out in the past 12 months. One had just sent me an opening, and as it turns out, I interviewed actively for it (was offered but declined). Then pick things back up after baby is here. Get in laws or friends to watch baby while you job hunt, or do it while nursing. Get a babysitter for interviews.

   4. I was laid off about 1 month after having a baby, so during my maternity leave. (I did know in advance – the entire department was eliminated). I received no severance. I actually did do some job interviews before having my baby, but understandably no one wanted to hire me with a start date 3-4 months out. (I was asking for 12 weeks between birth and start date). I technically looked and applied continuously, but I didn’t really seriously restart job hunting until my baby was ~8-12 weeks old. Or, essentially, when I’d be willing to return to work (accounting for HR drag) and feeling well-rested and assembled enough to apply and interview. I returned to work when my baby was 7 months old.

      I absolutely agree to send out feelers now, when you’re better able to work your network – even if you are working for a week or two, it’s easier than when you’re away. And to get childcare for job hunting. I struggled to even search or apply for jobs when I was balancing a baby and in mommy zone.

      Severance was never going to exist for me, but if it does for you, then definitely continue health care coverage as long as you can. I went on COBRA, which was expensive but actually went really smoothly after the initial transition. The transition wouldn’t have been an issue if we hadn’t had a newborn that needs to see the doctor so frequently, but since there was the temporary appearance of a gap in coverage, we had to self pay for 1-2 visits and then file a claim once we were back on according the system. Overall, not a bad worst case scenario (way better than loosing coverage all together!), but nice to avoid.

      Good luck!! I can wholeheartedly say that getting laid off was great for me in the end! It was super stressful because of the ‘what ifs’ but I ended up being able to take a longer leave and landed in a much better position with a much better office.

      1. This. I lost my job when I was pregnant and I think I started looking again when my twins were 8 weeks-ish. Consider hiring a babysitter for a few hours a week so you can get some solid blocks of time to work on job application stuff.

3. This week my cousin got the results of her biopsy and it turns out that she has cancer. The day before that she found out that one of her heart valves isn’t working properly and she needs to have heart surgery ASAP. Now all her doctors have to figure out which one is the priority and gets treated first. She’s 21 and in her third year of university. I hate this whole week. My family had plans for a big party/dinner and now none us want to go.

   1. I am so sorry. That’s terrible. My thoughts are with you and your family.

   2. <3 I'm so sorry.

   3. This is very upsetting, and I send you and your cousin hugs and positive thoughts. For what it is worth, my grandmother has had a heart valve replaced AND survived cancer, and continues to live a very full, very active life decades after having had both. I’m not sure what stage your cousin’s cancer is, but the fact that she is young means that her recovery will be super speedy for the heart valve replacement, and she will be well positioned to tolerate cancer treatment, if she’s a candidate for it. I don’t know if you were looking for any positive thoughts, but if you were, I hope at least some of this anecdata is helpful.

   4. I am so so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.

   5. This is terrible. Thoughts with you, your cousin, and the rest of your fam.

4. I’m planning a “girl’s getaway” day in Chicago in the early summer to celebrate with two of my friends, one of whom is turning 40 this year. We would like to get high tea somewhere and also walk around beautiful sites and stay somewhere central (and safe), and just hangout and relax since this will be a reprieve from young kids. Any suggestions on things to do and good places to eat and relax in Chicago during our very short visit (about 24 hours)? Thanks in advance!

   1. The Peninsula is super nice and has a high tea.

   2. The Drake hotel is known for its high tea. Beautiful.

   3. Agree with both those recs. The Langham also has a beautiful, if more modern, tea. And SoHo House also has a nice (cheaper! but still in a gorgeous room) tea.

   4. I strongly recommend the architecture foundation’s boat ride. They take you up and down the river and a guide tells stories about the buildings you pass. It’s a bit pricey (~$40?) but a truly wonderful experience.

      1. +1 the boat tour was amazing and worth every penny.

   5. +1 to the architectural boat tour (only if its nice weather, early summer can be cold) and to tea at the Langham. The Langham also has a gorgeous spa and is right across the street from Trump Tower, which has a lounge/bar with one of the most unique views in the city (IMO).

   6. Recently visited the Driehaus Museum at 40 E. Erie and loved it. Fabulous gem of a Gilded Age mansion (please look at the floors–the wood design is different in each room). It is also showing Downton Abbey costumes on the second floor until May 29. If you are in the Loop and interested in outdoor art, start at the post office on South Dearborn and walk north to see sculptures by Calder, Miro, Chigall, Picasso (walk past the Picasso and look back to see the lovely silhouette of a woman). The architectural boat rides, as mentioned, are really interesting. The Bean in Millennial Park is a must-see.

   7. I went to a great high tea at the Four Seasons a few months ago. You may want to reserve a table in advance.

5. I bought one of those army green colored lightweight jackets and I like it but am having trouble finding ways to wear it. I basically only wear it with a white shirt underneath and dark jeans. Anyone have any other suggestions? What else goes with light green?

   1. Everything! Army green is a neutral!

      I have an army green vest and wear it with red, purple, black and white, you name it. All The Colors. It’s fantastic with navy and white stripes, plaids, polka dots. Go on Pinterest and type “army green jacket” in the search box and you will find lots of ideas.

      1. Also, this blogger has a bunch of ideas: http://www.puttingmetogether.com/2015/09/ways-to-wear-cargo-jacket.html

      2. I have one and it never occurred to me that one would NOT treat it as a neutral that goes with everything.

   2. I treat mine as a neutral and wear it with almost everything. I’d probably stay away from grey, but other than that, I am having a hard time thinking of something I wouldn’t pair it with. Perhaps I am very unfashionable!!

      1. And actually, now that I think about it, I wear mine with grey too. HAHA

   3. Literally everything, as others have said, but I especially like to wear mine with black, cognac and pink.

   4. This sounds out there, but bear with me -army green goes amazingly with light blue. Wear it with an Oxford blue shirt or the light blue j crew popover jeans, or with a grey tee and light blue shirts. Or knot it (if it’s thin material) and wear over a light blue cotton dress.

      1. Absolutely to light blue. Actually, light blue like an Oxford shirt type of blue is a neutral. There’s a reason it’s the second most popular color for men’s shirts.

   5. As others have said, lots go with everything. Also, army green is really cute with pinkish floral patterns. I know it sounds weird, but it really works.

      1. Because it’s “leaf” colored!

6. Looks like my husband and I will be moving to the Bay Area (South Bay, specifically) from the Boston area. For those of you r e t t e s in that area, any insight on towns/neighborhoods to live in? We have a 3 month old and are city folks, so like to be able to walk places and take public transit. I’ve been to SF once for 48 hours for work, so this is all new to me-happy to take any suggestions/hear any thoughts on living in that area!

   1. Even if you are city folks, I don’t think you should try to live in SF and work in the South Bay. That commute is brutal. People do it, but I don’t understand how. Your money will go a lot farther in Santa Clara or San Jose too than in SF or Palo Alto. No public transit to speak of in the Bay Area, especially outside of SF itself so unfortunately I think a car is a necessity. It’s hard to give more specific advice without knowing which city the job is in in (Mountain View and San Jose are both sometimes described as the south bay, but are pretty far apart). Honestly, my biggest piece of advice is to live as close to the job as possible. Traffic is AWFUL in the bay area, and seemingly getting worse every day.

   2. What’s your budget like? Everything is insanely expensive, but I can give recommendations if I have a better sense of your options. I’m also moving back to the Bay Area from Boston and can’t wait!

      1. I think $3500-ish for 2 bedrooms? Is that totally crazy/unworkable? The job and decision to move just happened, so haven’t firmed up the budget yet. The job is in Sunnyvale, for reference.

         1. You should be able to find something for that – it’ll be a little tight and you might need to go higher, but Sunnyvale has some options. Mountain View, Cupertino, Campbell, and might all be good options. I’m a little less familiar with the cost of living in that part of the bay (although my father works in Sunnyvale and commutes from the Peninsula), but the closer you get to Mountain View and Palo Alto, the higher things will go (not that anything is cheap!). I recommend living as close to work as you can and finding a town with a good downtown area for walking around. Good luck!

            1. Given that a good friend just searched for a 2br in mv, I am fairly certain there is no such thing as a two bedroom in MV for $3.5k/month. And not only is the commute from SF to Sunnyvale completely insane, but you are not getting 2 bedrooms in SF for $3.5k/month either. Maybe Sunnyvale. Cupertino maybe. When we were house shopping, I looked at Santa Clara and it was so boring and sleepy that I got twitchy. Campbell is a good idea. Cute little downtown.

               Consider if your husband’s job is closer to 280 or 101 (freeways) and plan accordingly. Caltrain or VTA (light rail) if he can. Traffic is indeed completely awful and living as close to work as possible is a huge plus.

               If you plan to use daycare in the next year, get on daycare wait lists NOW.

            2. +1
               We just had to move from our 1-bed/bath to 2 bed/1 bath and we found a steal in Palo Alto for $4K. You’re not going to find a $3.5K even in Mountain View.

               Sunnyvale can be nice and is a bit cheaper. Great advice about commute. DO NOT live in SF and commute south–I commute to the city every day and it takes about 1.5 hours, but the reverse is way, way worse. Every day the traffic is at a standstill in the opposite direction even at 6 or 7 am.

            3. +1 to Campbell. It’s a very nice area. The commute to Sunnyvale will depend on where you are in Campbell and where the job is in Sunnyvale. If it’s close enough to avid the freeways, it won’t be that bad (but Lawrence Expy does back up).

         2. Sunnyvale has a cute downtown around Murphy Street. It’s all of about 3 blocks but it has some restaurants/bars and hosts live music on Thursday(?) nights in the summer.

            Most of the South Bay is suburbia. The only really urban area is downtown San Jose. DTSJ has many things going for it (like me!) but only began to gentrify and become not-a-ghost-town-after-5pm in the last 3 or 4 years. There are a lot of things going on but you have to look for them and inform yourself. The San Jose Downtown Association is well-connected and really doing a lot of great work: http://sjdowntown.com/

            If the job is near the Caltrain in Sunnyvale, the train commute from DTSJ to Sunnyvale is easy. I think you can get one of the newer highrise 2-bedroom luxury condos downtown for about $3500 (Centerra or One South Market).

            1. +1 Sunnyvale probably has the best downtown of any South Bay city. Plus it’s a very family-friendly community. Downtown SJ is nice during the work week but really dead on nights and weekends.

            2. San Jose used to die outside of business hours but that has changed in the last year or so. Yes, too many restaurants are closed on Sundays (ugh) but downtown San Jose has ~6,000 more housing units in the pipeline. So we should see progress in the near future.

               Whenever the Sharks, the Warriors, the Giants, the Niners, or any other local team is playing, the downtown bars (especially around San Pedro) fill up. Shark home games or concerts at SAP Center mean lots of people downtown and limited parking (surprise!). We have a CON here this week and the SOFA area near the convention center is packed. Add in Jazz Fest, Beer Week, South First Fridays, Christmas in the Park and San Jose Ice, Friday Farmers Market, concerts on San Jose State campus, and the Superbowl, and it’s a vibrant city!

               San Jose will never be San Francisco and Mayor Liccardo has said as much. It’s a different city with a different vibe. But I wouldn’t write it off as being dead.

            3. Thanks padi! We’re eager to check out San Jose, so this is great info!

         3. Check out Redwood City!
            There’s a cute downtown, it’s in between the 101 & 280- it is a very central location if you & your husband might end up working in different cities (I have commuted to San Jose, Palo Alto, SF & across the bay from here).
            We pay a little north of $2000 for a decently sized, older, 2 bedroom, but we moved here a while ago. I’m not sure what current prices are, but for an older apartment, I don’t think it would be over $3500.
            I also love Cambell- super cute downtown- but I think the prices are higher there.

   3. Not sure if you’re still reading, but I live and work in Sunnyvale. We’re about halfway between downtown Mountain View and downtown Sunnyvale. Both have a nice farmer’s market on the weekend and a nice row of restaurants. Definitely not SF or SJ, but fine enough to have some food, hear live music, hang out with other people. We have a totally bikeable/walkable lifestyle if we want it. We walk ~3 blocks to the park to grill, 3 blocks to the grocery store, and we can both bike to work (but I like to wear pencil skirts and heels, so I tend to be lazy and drive the 10 mins to work). We’re also halfway between the Mountain View and Sunnyvale CalTrains, so we can take the train into SF or SJ if we need to.

      Seconding all the advice NOT to do the SF-South Bay commute. Literally, you’re looking at a minimum of 1.5 hours each way if you go during peak times…. and “peak times” is basically 6:30 – 9:30am, 3:30pm – 7:30pm.

      If the “city people” is mostly about living a walkable lifestyle, you can definitely do that in the South Bay if you choose the right location. Campbell is another walkable community with necessities/gym/restaurants clustered in a nice downtown area. If it’s about constantly feeling like the place is alive/bustling/energetic, that will be harder to find outside of SF.

      1. Thanks! This is great information. We’re city people in that we like to be able to walk places and have some activities, restaurants, shops nearby but don’t need constant hustle and bustle, so it sounds like Sunnyvale might be a pretty good option. We’re definitely looking to minimize commuting, especially with a little one at home!

         1. In that case… I highly recommend Sunnyvale :) There’s a ton of big and small apartment complexes near El Camino or Evelyn and Mary Ave, Central Exwy and Mary/Mathilda/Maude, Grant and 237. If you want some more specific recs, you can email me at compete247@aol.com, and I’d be happy to give you some apartment names, etc.

7. Kat, even if you don’t want to pick out an outfit, can you put a new thread up for comments? There are a lot of people who don’t have both Friday and Monday off, and probably quite a few who don’t have either day off.

   1. I was curious about this (how many people have a four-day holiday weekend as alluded to by Kat). I’ve never had Good Friday or Easter Monday off from any school or job, and I’m Catholic living in a very Christian part of the country.

      Agree that a new open thread for each day would be nice.

      1. My Canadian colleagues have Good Friday off.

         1. Canadian Federal employees have Good Friday + Easter Monday.

            Good Friday is a statutory holiday/shops closing holiday in all Canadian provinces.

            1. Ya government employees get a ridiculous amount of time off. The rest of us are off tomorrow and then working on Monday.

            2. I’m not in Canada, but I’m a government employee and am not off either Friday or Monday.

            3. Except Quebec.

               I live in Ottawa, and Ottawa is closed on Good Friday, but the Quebec side is open, and then Quebec is closed down Easter Monday, but open Good Friday.

               Both my husband (federal employee) and my school aged children have both days off, but I’ll be in the office Monday.

               Currently federal government employees do not get Family day off, Cdn Anon. It’s the ONLY day I get to stick my tongue out at my husband as he gets up to go to work. :)

            4. Hey fellow Ottawan!

            5. That’s because Family Day is a provincial holiday, not a federal one!

               I would feel bad for the feds, but then I think about the extra time they get off, and the fact that I’m probably working this “holiday” anyways, so….

      2. Agreed! I have neither day off.

      3. Our US offices have Friday off and many of our international offices also have Monday off. I find it amusing that my state gov employee friends do not have a day off – usually they are rubbing it in my face!

      4. I have Good Friday off tomorrow for the first time in my life (grew up in the Midwest, lived on east and west coasts and now back in the Midwest). Never had it at any job or school prior, and didn’t even realize having it off was a “thing” until this year.

      5. We have off from today through Monday and I took yesterday as a vacation day. But I’m in academia and this is our spring break and the students are off all week. Unfortunately, I forgot and scheduled a mammogram for this morning, then rushed out to make my appointment and passed out in the middle of my mammogram. Ugh. I think it was just stress bubbling up. Spent the morning corresponding with various people (including an ex) about planning a funeral. I just can’t dal.

      6. Expat in London here, so Friday & Monday off. As an unbeliever, I’m translating this as Thanksgiving -pie +chocolate.

   2. I didn’t even realize it was a holiday. Not a lot of religious people in my office. I had Good Friday off from public school growing up. In college I had Easter Monday off. In the work world, I’ve never had either off.

   3. This.

   4. I’ve never had Fri or Mon off from work, but when I was in public high school, school was closed Thurs-Mon.

   5. I was CONFUESED as to why there was a Fruegel Thursday! FOOEY b/c I useually LOVE Fruegel Friday’s and this is THURSDAY! I am so busy now that I am back in the office that I did NOT even know tomorrow is a holiday — but NOT FOR ME! DOUBEL FOOEY b/c I am 300 hours behind on my billing’s this month! TRIPEL FOOEY! If this is an OPEN thread, I hope that there are alot of different thing’s to read b/c I will be workeing all day tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday (from 1-5) and of course Monday–all to make up hour’s and bill for the remainer of the MONTH of March. Whoever said beaware of the Ide’s of March sure was thinkeing of me and my billeing’s!

      If ONLEY I had a husband, I could have a weekend off from work where I did NOT have to worry about billeing’s. All of my cleint’s LOVE me, and think I am VERY eficient, but the Manageing partner warned me that this is ONLEY b/c I am abel to deliver sucessful result’s on my cases. He worries that I will become out of favor when the judge retire’s, so I asked the judge what is his retirement plans? He said he had NO plan’s to retire b/c he would onley have to sit at home and talk to his wife. I told him he was VERY luckey to be MARRIED and that if I were MARRIED, I would be very devoted to my HUSBAND. He told me he might take me up on that offer. But then he said he was kidding! He is alot older then I am and I could NOT marry someone who is 70 year’s old, and I do NOT want to wait 35 years to get MARRIED I told him. FOOEY HE said to me!

      Anyway, for those in the HIVE takeing off this weekend, we will look forward to next week when there will be no post’s and new thread’s from Kat and Kate. I am goieng out to eat with Myrna tomorrow, but besides that I have onley plans to work. YAY!!!!!

   6. Definitely. I was so confused by this post; I couldn’t figure out what day it was, and then I couldn’t figure out what the holiday was!

   7. I’m in (relatively) unchurched and un-templed Seattle and don’t know anyone who has days off for Passover, Purim or Easter. The schools here actively *don’t* schedule Spring Break for this week (so as not to show favoritism to any one religion) which IMO is screwy and. (Usually Passover and Easter are in the same week but not this year due to Leap Year and Jewish calendar traditions/phases of the moon etc.)

      1. It’s true that Passover and Easter are usually closer than they are this year – a whole month apart – but only the first couple days of Passover are really religiously significant. Giving employees Good Friday or Easter Monday off often results in a day off that occurs during Passover, but not for the most important day(s), which is kind of a slap in the face if you celebrate Passover because people think they’re acknowledging your holiday and they’re really not. I’m Jewish and I’m a big fan of Spring Break being purposefully chosen to avoid these holidays, because when it’s not it almost always favors Easter.

         1. Sorry, but that’s not true about Good Friday. Easter is normally celebrated on the Sunday after Passover – the Last Supper occurred on Passover so the Latin (Catholic) calendar is set to have Easter on the 1st Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox. For example, the next 10 years years (except 2016 and 2024), if school districts would have the week before Easter off, it would give Christians Easter Holy Week off AND give Jews Passover Week off (except in 2021 where Passover would start the Friday before Easter Week which would be ok as it starts at sundown, right?). 2016 is an anomaly because of the timing of Equinox, full moon and the intricacies of Jewish calendar and the month of Nisan.

            Now, Easter Monday is different and I have never seen an employer in Seattle have that off (and to be clear, I would never advocate Good Friday or Easter Monday as legal holidays in any way, shape or form).

            My point is that school districts picking any week EXCEPT the week before Easter to have spring break just to be “fair” is contrived and benefits no one, except maybe those hoping for cheaper airfare.

            1. I think you’re missing the point. For most Jews, the most important days of Passover are the first and second days. Some Jews take the entire 8 days off (note! more than a week!), but that’s rare. Passover only sometimes has its first day during the school week directly proceeding Easter. By holding Spring Break the week before Easter, school districts are effectively saying “Hey, we’re going to schedule this break around the Christian holiday! And I guess if it’s good for the Jews than that’s ok, but if not, we’re not going to worry about it. Happy Easter!”

            2. Yeah to what Baconpancakes said. It may often work out that giving off Easter week results in the first two days of Passover being off, but it’s clearly a side benefit that’s like “oh, it’s nice it worked out that way!” For schools that give Easter week as spring break, Easter is clearly the primary purpose, because in the years when the week before Easter doesn’t include the first two days of Passover, or doesn’t include Passover at all (like this year), it’s still Easter week that’s a holiday and there is no holiday at Passover. That’s clearly prioritizing one holiday and sometimes hitting the other holiday by chance.
               Even assuming they lined up perfectly and you could always give everyone the first two days of Passover + Good Friday off by having spring break the week before Easter, I’m also just not a big fan of religion in the public schools’ calendars. There are lots of other religions besides Christianity and Judaism, and I don’t think a “Passover/Easter” break is appropriate for public schools.

            3. Do you also think a Christmas break or Thanksgiving break is inappropriate? I’m curious where the line between “religious holiday break” and “originally religious but now secular for many people holiday” is for people.

      2. It’s Ceasar Chavez day in CA for some! Not me, still working last Fri & today. :(

   8. My first reaction was “wow, people take off for Purim???”

      I forgot it was Easter this weekend.

   9. I’m in the upper Midwest and have a half day today, but we’re open Monday.

   10. I work in a unionized setting. This year we have both Good Friday & Easter Monday off. Maybe 8-10 years ago they took away Easter Monday as a paid holiday, but is back this year! Unfortunately, the kids’ Spring Break isn’t tied to Easter any more, so they are in school Monday.

8. Please tell me Trump isn’t going to win the nomination or the election. Please. I need reassurance.

   1. Go check out the new article in Slate about Trump’s status and history as a misogynist. It’s sobering. I can’t believe that ANYONE would vote for that piece of human trash.

      1. I’m going to send that article to all of my acquaintances who support Trump. I’m certain it won’t change their minds about supporting him, but I will feel better. I’ve never felt more obligated to speak against a political candidate.

      2. That’s horrifying. I knew about his gross comments but had no idea about the rape.

         1. It’s awful. All the people who would vote for Trump anyway are saying one of two things – either they don’t think it’s rape or they think it is, but rape isn’t a dealbreaker for them. Either way, I cannot respect anyone who holds those positions.

         2. Didn’t his lawyer come out with a statement along the lines of, it’s legally impossible for a husband to rape his wife?

         3. Wow. I didn’t know about the rape, either. How awful. He is the worst, and the fact that he’s a front runner for the nomination kills me.

      3. Will you please post a link to the article? I googled Trump and Slate and found a bunch of stuff.

         1. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2016/03/donald_trump_has_one_core_philosophy_misogyny.html

         2. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2016/03/donald_trump_has_one_core_philosophy_misogyny.html

         3. It’s called Donald Trump Hates Women. If you go to slate.com it’s the top piece.

         4. Just tried to but it’s stuck in moderation – title is Donald Trump Hates Women.

         5. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2016/03/donald_trump_has_one_core_philosophy_misogyny.html

      4. I love this video comparing the way Trump and President Obama talk about women, including their daughters:
         http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/video-compares-trump-and-obama-talking-about-women-and-we-cant-stop-crying_us_56f29d0ce4b0c3ef52174a7b

      5. My favorite is the video of things Trump has said about women (on record! Usually to reporters!) read by women.

         https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OkSRJSUY0vs

      6. How is Trump’s misogyny any different (or more worrisome) than Clinton’s? More crass? If it’s the delivery that’s the issue, it’s a non-issue.

   2. I think he’s going to win the nomination, but there’s a good chance it will be a three party election, either because there’s a coup at the R caucus and Trump runs independent or Trump gets the R nomination and someone more reasonable runs as an independent. Even if it’s a two party election (Trump v. Clinton) I don’t think he’ll win. Although the possibility is terrifying. I think in many ways Ted Cruz would do a lot more damage to the country, because I think he’s actually much further right than Donald Trump (I think his Supreme Court noms would be MUCH worse), but I prefer him to Trump because I seriously think there’s a risk of a nuclear holocaust if Trump is President. He’d nuke the first country whose head of state makes fun of his short fingers.

      1. I am also oddly less nervous about Trump than Cruz, mostly because I don’t think Trump means much of what he says. That’s probably his appeal really – that people take what they like and assume the rest is B.S.; everyone gets to pick their own ‘true’ version. FWIW, I’m not too worried he’ll start any wars, I think he’s a lot less of an adventurer on this front than other republicans but I do think he will hurt America’s standing in the world and possibly try to force the whole country into bankruptcy the way he does his companies. I also worry about what his xenophobic sentiments are doing – I don’t want to compare him to Hitler but he’s definitely got heavy strains of Mussolini to him. It’s honestly baffling.

         1. I’m the same way – I don’t think Trump actually believes half of what he says, whereas Cruz does and is just as much of an a$$hole (although less blatant/loud about it). I do fear that Trump would retaliate in dangerous ways against anyone who slights him, which is pretty much standard narcissist behavior.

            1. Yes. I find it really telling that basically all of Cruz’s professional contacts seem to despise him. I hate Trump and I think Cruz is, in many respects, scarier.

            2. People who’ve worked with Trump don’t have much nice to say, either. The architecture community hates him because he was aware of the structural issues of Trump SoHo, decreed the workers needed to suck it up and said he’d just pay overtime, and when the building collapsed and killed a worker, he paid off the woker’s family to hush them up.

            3. Not just professional contracts. Basically anyone who has ever met him (Cruz) despises him. When he first announced he was running, his college roommate (who is a Hollywood screenwriter who wrote The Hangover and some other stuff) tweeted that he would rather literally anyone else in America be President. Someone asked him if that was still true, given the rise of Trump and he said yes. His Twitter feed is a goldmine in general. One of my favorites is “Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer actually accomplished things.”

            4. There were a bunch of people here who admitted to being APDA alum a few weeks ago — I can’t imagine I’m the only one on here old enough to remember Cruz and what a jacka$$ he was even then.

         2. Yup, that’s exactly why I think Cruz is in many ways worse. I think he believes everything he says and has a real (and really destructive) agenda, while Trump is just blowing smoke and has no real agenda besides Donald Trump. But him having the nuclear codes really scares me.

      2. I much prefer Trump to Cruz. I am actually glad of his success so far because the Republican Party in this country can finally see what they’ve created.

      3. I agree trump wins the nomination or, even if the establishment takes it away from him, the Republican party will be in shambles after that. As an independent who has voted overwhelmingly for Democrats since the late 1990s, Trump proves to me that everything I thought was true about Republicans is actually true – that they actually have terrible principles although they go on and on about them ad nauseum (whether social values or economic principles). Seems to me that they are actually just racists (not well meaning believers) or greedy and selfish on economic issues. They get what they deserve in Trump. No idea why the mirror is so hard to look into!

      4. I also think that Cruz is as scary (if not moreso) ideologically, but I prefer him to Trump. I think there’s a real potential for even more violence if he is elected. Either from foreign organizations or within our own borders. I live in a very red state, and the difference in Trump supporters and Cruz supports with regard to their tolerance for violence and general scary rhetoric is frightening.

9. My family has been considering a move to North Florida. I have lived in a liberal northern state my entire life. We were recently vacationing in the south and speaking with a friend who is a female attorney like myself. She was describing a lot of blatant sexism that I don’t currently deal with. I have no doubt there are many sexists in the North too but it is more quiet sexism rather than overt. Her experience may not be reflective of an entire section of the country but it makes me worried that I could be moving from generally good working conditions to fighting more sexism than I’m used to.

   So, has anyone worked in the north and south (east) and able to compare the two?

   1. Never lived there, but just having driven through North Florida, I know it’s not a place I would ever want to live. And I’m a proud Midwesterner, so I’m definitely not someone who think it’s NYC, Boston, California or bust. But the South (outside of major cities and perhaps a few college towns) is not a cultural fit for me.

      1. “Not a cultural fit” is my concern. The move would be to be close to my husband’s family. His family are transplants as well. We’ve spent our entire marriage living driving distance to my family but flying distance to his. We both feel living closer to his would make more sense as we start having kids but I just wish they hadn’t all decided to move there. I adore his family and love the idea of seeing my sister in law on a regular basis but that cultural mountain stands before me.

         We plan to make some more trips there before making any decision.

         1. Would you be driving distance from them if you lived in Atlanta or is it too far? That’s quite culturally different from the rest of the South, from what I’ve heard.

         2. Could you build a special tradition around visiting them? Like maybe you go for Christmas every year?

   2. I’ve worked in NC, MS, TN, and currently live in DC, but all my family is in New England and the Midwest. No, I’ve not encountered more sexism or unfriendly policies in one place over the other.

      That said, I believe you can find patronizing old men anywhere. However, I choose to distinguish between someone who calls me “dear” because it’s part of their vernacular and they’ve spoken that way for 60 years vs. someone who’s talking down to me when they say it. Some people choose not to make this distinction and choose to see offense where none is intended.

   3. I’ve spent my entire working life in TN, but I am a NJ native, so I’ve had a lot of experiences in other places. I have never had a problem with sexism in the workplace* here, and don’t think that it’s an unusually big problem for my female colleagues. In my experience, I find that, if anything, professionals tend to go out of their way to be certain that it’s not an issue. Obviously, there are a lot of experiences out there and some people have had bad ones, but I don’t think that it’s a bigger problem here then it is elsewhere.

      * One caveat – I did work in a restaurant once where there was a lot of . . . I don’t know, frat boy-type talk?, largely egged by the manager. It didn’t bother me, or anyone else that I was aware of (most of the women were just as bad), but I could definitely see how someone could reasonably find it hostile. But I don’t think that that was related to the region, and I definitely think that it was a product of the environment that doesn’t translate to the more professional world.

      1. Yep – worked in several restaurants in high school and college (all in the upper Midwest) and I think this is largely a function of the workforce (including managers where I was) being relatively young and not attuned to things like worrying about workplace harassment.

   4. I have family in Florida and have spent quite a bit of time there. It’s not so much sexism that’s a problem, it’s the overall very conservative mindset of which sexism is a part. Republicans and guns everywhere. I’ve seen confederate flags on cars. That sort of thing. Northern Florida is especially bad, from what I’ve heard.

      1. Yep. I drove from Miami to Tallahassee once and was HORRIFIED by the number of Confederate flags I saw. Once you get north of about Palm Beach (and away from the coast a little bit) they are literally everywhere.

      2. This. Yes. Northwestern Florida is so backwards. Confederate flags, calling the Civil War the “War of Northern Aggression”, racism, sexism – it’s all there.

   5. What part of North Florida? The “Lower Alabama” part or the Atlantic Coast part? I’ve lived in both the south and the north, and honestly, there’s not a lot of difference in sexism–like most things, it just depends on where you work. But I spend a lot of time in Florida for work, and you couldn’t pay me to live in the lower Alabama part, despite the beautiful beaches. I don’t have any specific examples, but it just seems like it would not be a cultural fit. I don’t get the same feeling from the atlantic side of North Florida. For reference, I live in a liberal part of the South, but grew up in the more “deep South.”

      1. The coast. Jacksonville to be precise.

         1. I mean, it’s still conservative, but it’s also a major city. You might try the forums on City Data to get a better impression. Downtown Jacksonville seems sketchy to me, but my aunt & uncle live there and the part they’re in seemed nice. That’s about the extent of my Jacksonville knowledge. That, and I’m fond of their airport, and the islands close to Jacksonville.

   6. It depends on where you will be. Gainesville and Tallahassee are more liberal inside the city limits because of the colleges, but it is very different in the small towns where racism and sexism thrive. Can you move to a town like Tampa or Orlando? Those are much better on the race/sex front, although they certainly aren’t perfect. I had multiple older male clients refer to me as an assistant or paralegal.

      1. Yes, but that assumption has also been made of me and I work in DC

10. Can you smart woman please give me some advice?

    I was working for a corporation in a small specialized group for 2 years before my twins were born. I knew there was no way I’d be able to hack a full time schedule (most weeks 4o hours, some weeks 50-60). While on maternity leave the director of my group offered me a contract part-time schedule of 20 hours per week. This was agreed upon both orally and in a written contract. This schedule has worked out great for me. I get out of the house and I’m able to contribute to a team outside of my children. My twins just turned one year old and I’ve been on the part time schedule for the last 10 months. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been tough (for me and my employer). One of my twins was hospitalized with RSV for 2 weeks when he was 3 months old, they’ve gotten Hand Foot Mouth (Jan) and most recently our entire family got the flu (Mar). I missed 2 weeks of work for the RSV episode, 1 week for HFM and 1 week for the flu. There is absolutely nothing I could do about missing this time. My director said in the beginning that he knew health and other things would crop up and that’s why he suggested a contract arrangement so that my schedule would be more flexible. There is one other mom in our group that is also a contractor and a mother of 3 children (school aged if it matters). Our busy time is January – March. The other contractor mom normally works about 20 hours per week but stepped up her game to 40 hours at times in January (unknown to me because the other contractor works from home and I work in the office). My director had a conversation with me on Monday about how he feels like I’m not committed to the team, etc. He said he wishes I would’ve stepped up like the other contractor did. I feel like it’s my warning for “you’re on thin ice”. I’ve never in my life not met expectations. Before babies I was there on evenings, weekends, etc. My priorities have changed. My babies come first. When they’re sick and screaming because they have a fever of 103, I don’t have a choice but to be with them (we have nanny but two babies with a fever of 103 is a two person job). I feel kind of blindsided by my director. I did what I agreed to – 20 hours per week other than the times I wasn’t able to be there because my babies were sick. There were times when I wasn’t as dependable as I wish I could’ve been. I really like my job and don’t want to lose it. Now that we’re going into summer I hope my babies will get sick less and that I’ll be more dependable.

    Having twins is 10X harder than I ever though it would be. I seriously don’t know how mothers of twins work full time. You’re a total rockstar if you’ve done it. I was thinking about asking my director if we can go to lunch next week to discuss a few things. I feel totally blindsided by him. He said I didn’t step up my game in January and February and he’s disappointed by that. I did what I agreed to – 20 hours per week. I can’t live up to standards I don’t know about. If he wanted me there, he could have said “would you mind coming in Friday, we could really use your help on x, y, and z”. Instead he waited until our busy time is over to reprimand me for not working more. Do I ask him to lunch and discuss this further or do I just let things lie where they are and try and step up my game? We don’t rely on this job to live. The extra money is nice but for me it’s more about being in the workforce. It would be pretty hard for me to find another job making similar $. Also to note, there is additional stress in our office because the company is not doing well and the future is unknown.

    I realize my thoughts aren’t the most organized. I’m trying to be sure to paint a realistic picture of both sides here. I’m just really stressed and sad about this situation. Any words of advice???

    1. Is there a husband in the picture? If so, he should be taking responsibility here, at least 50%. If you’re on contract for specific hours per week, you either need to rely on the nanny or ask DH to take responsibility when you need to be working. At 1 y.o. your children are manageable enough that a single nanny should be able to manage on her own, and if she can’t handle it, find another nanny!

       1. +1 Where is dad? Was he also taking two weeks off when they were in the hospital?

    2. “I did what I agreed to – 20 hours per week.” — It doesn’t sound like you have, unless I’m misunderstanding. Could you clarify? Did you not work at all when babies were sick? Or, did you do your 20 hours and care for them in the 20 (or 30 or 40) hours that are would-be work hours if you were full time?

    3. Devils advocate: I am not a mom of twins, but you had me right up until “nanny.” I’ve had two *kids* with RSV (4 months and 3), and it was no picnic but DH and I did not both have to stay home (sometimes we both took a WFH day/ half day off and traded off). Between a nanny and a father, you should not have to take this much time–dad can take a hit, nanny can have a tough day,then you take a day. But 2 weeks off for RSV seems like a lot. Maybe your kiddo had a 2 week hospital stay- mine was only in for 2 nights- but even then, what about Dad?

       As your advocate: set up time to talk to your boss about expectations & communication. Let him know you didn’t know there was an issue because you’ve pulled 20 hrs/week. Do you have goals (other than 20 hours)? Are you meeting them? Is your director meeting his? If not, what’s missing?

       I think this is something you can recover from, but you’ll need to push for it. Your director may be thinking its be easier to find someone FT to do your role. Prove you’re worth it.

       1. My baby was in the ICU for 7 days and on a regular hospital respiratory floor for for 7 days at Children’s Hospital. For a total of 14 days. I would rather not have a job than leave my 12 week old (7 week old adjusted) baby alone in the ICU. Most babies do not get RSV badly, mine was the 1% that almost died.

          1. Your preferences have changed. That’s fair, but I also see your Director’s point. Before, full time at your company meant working weekends, evenings, etc. – also more than standard 40 hours a week. In my company even if you were contracted to work 20 hours a week you wouldn’t be seen as “committed to the team” if you didn’t put in more (either in hours, or work product, or availability, or effort, or whatever it is) to help the team during busy times. It just is what it is. Some jobs are like this.

          2. I don’t think your original post on the prior thread included this level of detail regarding the severity of your babies’ illness. I think you would have received much more sympathetic responses if it had.

             1. Agree. “In the NICU and hospitalized for 2 weeks” is not typical RSV. I wonder too how this was shared at work– moms with kids with RSV would likely have had my reaction without all this detail.

                EVEN STILL putting my devils advocate hat on, did your husband take the full 2 weeks off as well? Or did he go into work now and then? If he was popping into work, that’s one thing. If he was sitting beds it with your infant for 2 straight weeks, that’s another.

                Same thing with the week of flu. If you personally wet down for the count all week- ugh. But if you were down for 3 days and caregiving the other two…where were nanny and husband?

             2. Thank you for your thoughts and comments. Sorry if I’m not able to comment back on every single one – babies are napping now so I’ll try and elaborate.

                Sorry I didn’t include this level of detail in my original post. I think I try to forget this time as it was absolutely terrifying. My director and co-workers understood the severity of the his illness and I was given a hall pass on the RSV episode I think. I also should have included – my son that had the RSV now has childhood asthma from the RSV infection. Every time he gets sick with anything, be it a cold, the flu, etc. it requires a trip to the ped. at a minimum because he wheezes and has trouble breathing. They have to listen to his lungs to be sure he is okay. It’s not something I can self diagnose.

                My husband was out of office for 4 straight days when our son was in the ICU for the worst of it. Otherwise he worked all day and came to the hospital at night. It was really touch and go for a few days, they almost had to intubate (spelling?) him. My MIL drove 7 hours to be here and help us out. The nanny was at home with our other son when my MIL was at the hospital with us. Whether my son was in the PICU or the regular hospital I was not going to leave him under any circumstances. I realize that everyone’s idea of how important work is is different…..but I wasn’t willing to leave him.

                Regarding the flu – the babies got it at the same time, which required 2 people to care for them. Then my husband and I both got it and the nanny got it. So between staying home to take care of babies and then getting sick myself it was an ordeal. Husband missed 2 days himself. And in my defense when I did feel better I offered to come into the office on 3 separate occasions to try and make up the time but everyone was so scared to get sick they told me to stay home.

                I’ve had issues with our nanny calling in sick too. We might have to find someone else. This is just so hard and I’m losing faith that I can make it work. I DO NOT want to be a stay at home mom. I gave our nanny a stern talk on Monday to the tune of “if you call in sick anymore I will have to let you go”.

                I also want you all to know that I am a reasonable person that’s why I included all this back story that makes me look bad. I would be annoyed too if I was my director. I think what someone above said about not making this into a bigger deal is what I’m going to go with. I am going to tell my director again as I already did on Monday, that I am committed to my position and I want to make it work. I’m going to find back-up care for our nanny in the event that she calls in sick. If she starts calling in sick a lot I will replace her – – which is a whole other issue in itself. She has an autoimmune disorder and I feel bad for her and I worry about the legal aspect of firing someone with health problems.

                Our company is having financial difficulties so this whole thing may just be decided for me if they can’t afford to pay me anymore. It will be difficult to find my hourly rate elsewhere and make it worth paying the nanny but you never know. I’ve been networking with my contacts just in case.

                Also, I’m going to have a discussion with my husband about taking more sick time away from work when the kids are sick. He’s an absolutely amazing dad and I never push him and always take the default parent role so I will let him know that it’s not working for me. You all are always great about helping others realize that they’re getting the short end of the stick. You’re right that I don’t want to push my career completely to the wayside and that it is not all my responsibility to make this part-time thing work as it has so far.

                Sorry for the rambling. Feeling a bit better now.

             3. Is she calling in sick because she doesn’t feel like working or because she’s actually sick? She can’t help getting sick, just like you can’t help it. I’ve been a nanny and it is REALLY hard to work while sick.

             4. I don’t know. How am I supposed to know for sure? I want to trust someone when they say they’re sick. She has an autoimmune disorder that makes her more susceptible to illnesses.But she also broke her arm 2x and her tailbone once playing rollerderby over the last 10 months and took a lot of sick days for those issues alone. Not injuring yourself is somewhat preventable. Trying to have sympathy. Running out of it though…

             5. Yeah, no, that’s unacceptable. I would not work in such a germy job if I was susceptible to illness. And one time when I broke my knee I actually quit my job because I did not expect my employers to wait for me to heal. Time for a new nanny!

          3. OP – I’ll just address the recent flu and HFM not the hospitalization (because any manager who would ding you for that is a monster). Otherwise, all managers know that some things are unavoidable – almost every employee will miss some time each year to illnesses, family emergency, hot water tanks exploding, houses being burglarized etc. But you’ve got a problem here because your manager counted on you and you didn’t come through, even though he wasn’t fair to you and waited until now to tell you.

             Given that January-March is the busy time and he was counting on you to step up, I think it would have been good for the team if you could have made some different choices. Perhaps split time between husband/nanny/back-up care and worked 10 hours one of those weeks. Even though you are part-time, your partner should have stepped in to let you go in for an 8-hour day or two 4-hour days if it’s your team’s busy time. If your nanny can’t cope with two sick kids by herself, perhaps you needed to hire a second nanny/caregiver for the day or week (through a nanny employment firm) if you don’t have a friend or relative who could help out.

             If you yourself were too sick on top of the kids’ illness to make up time, that makes a difference too. Maybe there is no way that you could have worked so you may have to point that out to him. The other mom’s situation is totally different because: 1) her kids are older and older kids get sick less; 2) older kids need less hands-on time than 1 year olds; and 3) she works from home and can work around sick-room visits. You may have to point this out too.

             Make sure that even though you are part-time that your husband doesn’t see you as the person who is always picking up the slack. You’re a professional – your team counts on you. You’re not just a freelancer and your spouse can’t treat you as a SAHM who covers all kid illnesses. Sure, if he is the main breadwinner, he can’t jeopardize his job but it puts extreme pressure on you to be both an employee needed by a team and to be a mom whose partner expects her to do all childcare.

             Since you want to keep the job, here are my suggestions: 1) Schedule a meeting but not lunch, especially since you need to concentrate and/or you might get emotional. 2) Reiterate your dedication to the job and the team and outline what you can do in the future to cover illnesses (such as work from home some hours, trade off with husband, extra nanny, relatives). Brainstorm with him. 3) If the other mom is brought up explain that older kids are easier and that by next year’s busy time, your kids will be one year older and a bit more “hearty”, hopefully less sick. 4) Clear the air about expectations – does he expect you to work 30 hours a week in the busy month? Does he expect you to work more on an ad hoc basis during crises? Even though you have a contract, make sure that his unspoken requirements are out in the open as much as possible. 5) Ask him to communicate during the busy time if he needs more from you and discuss your parameters for working extra.

             Job-sharing, telecommuting and part-time work are hard to negotiate and may take more communication than just a normal in the office job. Good luck!

             1. Perfectly said. Thank you for the bullet points. I will schedule a meeting with him next week. I already made a call to a person that has nannied in the past and came highly recommended from a friend. Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I know that my career is worth the sacrifice of all this trouble so I’m trying to stay positive. I had no idea the first year of these baby’s lives would be so.darn.hard.

             2. Thanks for your thoughts. This is exactly what I’m going to do next week. I just talked to a nanny and will consider using her to replace our existing nanny that calls in sick a lot. This is just more stressful than I ever thought it could possibly be. I need to remember that my career is worth the time to figure this out.

             3. I’m wondering whether it’s time to get two nannies? Each part-time but available to fill in for one another if one is sick or work extra shifts if there’s a need for two caregivers? Very expensive but it won’t last forever and as you say, your career is worth it. I know a BigLaw partner who did this and at the time it seemed crazy but it makes more and more sense the older I get.

    4. I have twin toddlers and work full-time. It’s tough, but you make arrangements for child-care and (ideally) back-up child care — local family in my case. And you go about your business. You do have a choice. It’s what people who have a job they need to do to pay their bills do. And their kids are fine. I haven’t dealt with those particular illnesses, but a working individual can’t miss 1 full week each time her kids are sick. If I were your boss, I’d be irritated, too. I HATE leaving my kids with someone else when they’re sick, so I’ve stayed home for a day with them to cuddle and care for them with, for example, a stomach bug. And I can relate to the feeling that you HAVE to have two people there. On weekends, that is how my husband and I operate. But you are definitely leaning way out here. And that’s your prerogative. But if I were your boss or co-worker, I’d be miffed. Not trying to be harsh, just candid.

       Now, if you’re only being paid for 20 hours, you only have to do 20 hours. But it sounds like you shorted him on 80 hours. If you work more, will he pay you more? I think you should speak to him and say, I want you to know that I am committed to our current arrangement. Please let me know if we need to have a conversation about it.

       1. I am only paid for the time I work on a contract basis (1099).

          1. I wasn’t referring to an infant’s hospitalization. That is a drop everything parenting situation. I meant that when a kid is home sick, the parent can work if she is health and there is child care lined up.

          2. I think the issue isn’t you getting paid for time you didn’t work (which you’re not) but that your manager has to plan for someone to do that work and, unless you were making it up later, that was 80 hours of work he had to find someone else to do.

    5. WHOA. I think people are being really harsh. There is a huge difference between leaving a sick kid at home with the nanny (or partner) and leaving a hospitalized child. I don’t even have kids yet, but I know if I had a child in the hospital I wouldn’t leave for anything, even if my husband could be there 24/7. Employers are normally pretty understanding whenever an immediate family member is hospitalized, whether it’s kid, spouse, parent, whatever.

       1. Thanks anonymous. That was about 10 months ago now that he was in the hospital. But yep, at the time I did not care whether I had a job or not when he got out of the hospital.

       2. Yea, despite not being a parent and not ever wanting to be a parent, an infant being hospitalized for 14 days is pretty darn serious. I feel as though even if you did somehow manage to do work during that time, you wouldn’t be able to do quality work for a number of reasons – exhaustion, anxiety, not giving an eff about the work because your baby is close to death, etc. Did your manager know about the hospitalization?

          I admittedly don’t know anything about H&F, so I don’t know if a week is a reasonable amount of time to take off for that. It sounds like the capability is there for you to work remotely in a situation like this. I would have asked for this accommodation, assuming that H&F allows you to be upright, remotely with-it, you have a nanny, and a husband/partner presumably who can all assist.

          Understanding that the flu can absolutely wipe you out for a week, I probably would have tried to put together some hours from home that week as well.

          1. Sorry, none of that helped with your question about how to approach it with your manager. I think you should explain the hospitalization and the seriousness of that if you haven’t already and then throw yourself on the sword a bit for the other two instances.

    6. I’m sorry that you’re going though this; it sounds like you’re very stressed and I hope it gets better quickly.

       But, if you have the lunch conversation that you’re discussing, I’d say that there’s a strong possibility that it will wind up with you no longer having this arrangement, either because the director decides unilaterally that you’re not up to it or because you wind up “agreeing” that you can’t do it. You said something in your post that stuck with me – your priorities have changed. That’s fine, good even, but the director’s priorities have not. Now, it’s possible that you would wind up better and happier to phase out of this job and take some more time for your family; I’m all for doing that if that’s right for you. But if it is not, I would recommend that you try to keep your head down, put in a little more time as possible, and stress that this wave of illnesses is hopefully over and you can get to a better place, rather than calling more attention to the issue.

    7. It sounds to me like he is telling you his expectation is 20 hours per week, and that if you miss a week he wants you to make up the time the following week(s). Which doesn’t seem crazily unreasonable. If other mom works from home can you too? So for week of flu maybe you don’t get 20 hours in but 10, and add on extra the next week?

       It sounds like you aren’t trying. A whole week off for HFM is a lot- can’t nanny handle one day and dad one?

       1. They both had it at the same time and it’s pretty terrible. I.e. they did not sleep for 2 days. It was a 2 person job. But as I said above, I should’ve made my husband deal with an equal amount of sick child rearing.

    8. Jumping on this because I am in a similar situation to the manager.

       I have a stellar employee who is a mother of three, ranging in ages from 1-13. She is in charge of approx 20 people and her unit is responsible for generating a significant portion of the company’s revenue.

       Since she’s had her third child, she has been absent frequently including during critical periods. I also allowed her to shift her schedule so now that she is working at slightly different times from the majority of her staff. I really like her and she has done fantastic work but it’s getting hard to manage the work that needs to be picked up when she is out unexpectedly. It’s less the sheer number of days rather than the random and unexpected time off. A whole weeks vacation is less disruptive to 5 unplanned days off when things have to be canceled, project timelines adjusted, etc.

       I feel like a huge jerk for being frustrated with her. I have not raised this because frankly I am not sure how. I am a woman who is a bit younger than she is (mid-30s to early 40s) and do not have kids although I might want to one day.

       Any thoughts on how I handle? Do I just let it ride and hope that it gets better as her youngest gets older? Do I raise it somehow? She has the time available that she is taking (our company just has a pool of days off rather than sick, vacation, etc.) so it’s not like unauthorized leave. The way that she is taking it is just really disruptive to both her unit and my work.

       The whole thing though is making me feel like a jerk. I want to create a really family friendly environment that is nurturing to women with families (including potentially myself one day), but this is just getting increasingly painful.

       FWIW, her husband is home with the kids although it seems like he works part-time or maybe takes classes part-time? so there is no nanny/day care issues per se.

       1. It sounds like your employee needs to build up her staff so that her absences don’t have such significant consequences. I think you should talk to her but frame it as managerial development, which it is. I think the true mark of a manager is building a team to the point where they don’t need a body there telling them what to do 90% of the time.

          1. I 100% agree with that statement.

             I am also not opposed to people taking a lot of leave. The head of another unit just came back from two weeks to a foreign company where they were completely unreachable. Their unit operated smoothly.

             That’s why I specified that planned vacation time is different than unscheduled days. It’s hard though when sometimes meetings are set to happen a specific day to have a specific conversation, etc and she calls out.

             For a specific example, we had a very large meeting with multiple players scheduled on specific day. This manager was a key person in that meeting. She called off sick and then it took another three weeks to coordinate schedules to get another meeting time. This project is now almost a month behind because of the cascading effect of that meeting being delayed.

             1. For something like that key meeting, can you talk to her about whether she could at least call in to the meeting (and only take 4 or 6 hours PTO instead of a full day)? Obviously that won’t work if she is at the doctor with a sick kid during that time or is puking herself, but if it’s a case of “stuck at home with a kid with a fever too high to go to school but doesn’t need constant attention” that might be workable.

                Is she really the only one who could have made decisions at that meeting, or could you or one of her direct reports have been there, asked questions and circled back with her for final decisions?

                Or is this the kind of position where EVERY day has meetings like this that are impossible to schedule? What did you do when she was out on maternity leave?

             2. Maternity leave was fine. She created an excellent transition plan and her unit ran very smoothly in her absence. She really is an excellent leader and I very much want to see her grow and succeed at this company. (Also FWIW, I also had several men in my dept also take paternity leaves so I true to be even handed in encouraging employees to spend time with family then.)

                Like I said there is not a big issue with planned leave since you can generally delegate the tasks and make sure people are fully versed.

                We do some fairly complex things and her unit has some significant staffing challenges so not everything is easy to cover. This is not a “wing it” type field.

                I think frankly as a woman without children, I feel very ill equipped to have discussions about this and thus have granted all of the people in my units significant latitude on these things.

                I really think she is generally terrific and would love advice on how to handle this. I feel like a terrible feminist for even having these issues.

             3. Manager: Honestly, I think the kids are a red herring. You should treat her like you would treat anyone else, and being overly sensitive/treating her differently than other people BECAUSE she has kids is likely to generate resentment in your team. Good luck!

       2. OP here. I’m interested to read the comments here. I totally get it from the other side! It’s like with my nanny. She has an autoimmune disorder, she gets sick a lot and I feel bad for her, but at what point do I just pull the plug?? It’s like I have the same situation going on in my life going in 2 different directions.

          1. You pull the plug now. Your job is on the line.

             1. Maybe you’re right. Why do I care so much???? I just called another nanny person that a friend recommended. Moving in the right direction….

             2. Agreed. Pull it now. Your job is not to provide a cushy job for a person who cannot adequately perform her responsibilities. Your job is to have help reliably taking care of your family and your goal is to not get fired. Your frequently sick nanny helps with neither.

             3. No one finds it ironic that she isn’t giving the nanny the benefit of the doubt for the same thing she is getting warned for?

             4. I do. And I think that it would probably be helpful for the OP, in thinking about how to discuss this with her manager, to reflect on how the nanny’s absences have affected her.

    9. I don’t really have sympathy. So many parents live below or at the poverty line and can still manage to arrange reliable childcare. If you are on this site you have the means and skills to arrange a back up/nanny/daycare/elderly neighbour….something. I know you posted this because you want people to agree but thats a lot of time off. Last year I went to work sick Mon-Thurs, like puking, cold sweats and fainting sick. Finally on friday I went to the hospital, had emergency surgery and was back at work Monday. Even then I had a little snark for taking a day off. I can’t imagine someone taking 4 weeks off.

       1. OK, that’s ridiculous. I would not want a job where I felt like I couldn’t miss a day when I had freaking surgery. No job is worth killing yourself over.

          1. Yeah, this. Good grief, TotallyAnonForThis. You know some people literally work themselves to death, right? Don’t do that, even if you work for a-holes.

       2. Glad you provided the context for your “no sympathy” comment. That is BSC.

11. Should I get an MBA? I’ve got BS/MS in Engineering, and have spent many years now in project management. I’d like to be doing work that’s more strategic in nature, and make some progress in a (currently) stalled career.

    It seems that an MBA might help me get to where I want to go. I’m having difficulty stomaching the cost, however. Also, I’ve got a child (5 yr old) and I’m 42. Am I too old? Would I be essentially starting over after I graduated? Do schools give scholarships to women my age who want an MBA?

    I may just study for and take the GMAT – at $250, it’s a relatively low level of investment – to see how I do. I live in Chicago, so I’ve got a couple of fantastic school options available to me (Booth/Kellogg.)

    1. I’ve been looking at an executive MBA program, and wonder if you’ve considered that option? I can’t see taking time out from my job for further education, but I would like the training and credential. An executive program also seems like a better networking opportunity than an evening or weekend program.

       1. The Executive programs are enticing, but in general I’m wondering how I’d pay for it. I really would prefer to not take out loans at my age. It just seems like that would be a poor decision. But maybe it would be worthwhile in the long term? I suppose I wouldn’t have to borrow the full cost, but borrowing a portion would help. The executive program at Booth is in the $150k range!

       2. The Executive programs are enticing, but in general I’m wondering how I’d pay for it. I really would prefer to not take out loans at my age. It just seems like that would be a poor decision. But maybe it would be worthwhile in the long term? I suppose I wouldn’t have to borrow the full cost, but borrowing a portion would help. The executive program at Booth is in the $150k range!

    2. I’d say on this one the answer is in the question, if you think the MBA will help – go for it. Being too old, etc etc, don’t worry about all that. Theres someone else out there just like you getting at MBA at your age.

    3. Will your employer pay for all or part of it? I’ve known some people who have been able to do that. Sometimes with a commitment to stay with the company for a period after, but honestly, I’ve known too many (good!) people who got an MBA and then struggled to get a job after that seemed appropriate for their degree and financial investment, so I might see that as a plus.

       I wouldn’t be concerned about your age at all. I’ve heard mid-career is often even favored.

    4. Is there a certificate program you could look at too? I know there are some schools around me that offer a Nonprofit Management certificate and is about 17 credits. Less time/cost than an MBA but it may be the jump start you’re looking for.

    5. Scholarships for MBAs are typically not give based on need, they are based on how much they want you at their school. How much they want you is based on what they think your upside is , i.e., will you be a prestigious (found a cool start-up) or high-earning alum that will bring recognition/money to the school.

    6. I’m 25 and just got accepted to two MBA programs for a fall start date. To be honest, I feel ridiculously YOUNG to be getting my MBA. The average age seems to be 30, but there are plenty of people older than that in the programs. A coworker’s husband just did an executive MBA and loved it, so that might be something to consider.

       My wallet is already crying at the potential cost, but I suppose you and I are in very different situations. I’m looking at the MBA as a necessary investment to get where I want to go, and I know my enhanced salary following the degree will more than make up the cost over time. For you, I’d suggest looking at the cost versus how much you expect to be making after the program. Scholarships are typically merit-based, not need-based, and even then they don’t seem to provide much funding, so check with your employer to see if they provide tuition assistance or for scholarships online.

    7. I did my MBA part-time and it was a great decision. Second (or third) the comment that scholarships are typically merit-based, so it would depend on your work experience, undergrad marks, GMAT score, etc.
       I paid about $55,000 for my program over three years, typically 2 evenings per week (with a few weekend courses). I wasn’t necessarily looking for a new job, but I discovered a great new path and made a complete career transition before my program was finished. Payback on my tuition was probably about three years.

12. Got invited to a baby shower for which the expecting parents are asking only for favorite children’s books and diapers. Any brand recommendations?

    1. Different diapers work better for different babies. Our son was good with Pampers not Huggies.
       Go the F to Sleep is hilarious, assuming these parents have senses of humor.

       1. Ugh, NO – we got so many copies of than damn book and donated every single one. The concept is funny, but you’re not going to read the book more than once – just give them children’s books like they are asking for.

          Bambo Nature are the best eco-friendly diapers ever, we swear by them.

    2. I like Pampers swaddlers, sensitive. BUT – in this instance I’d probably do a kids book and a diapers dot com gift card. While this seems practical I’ll bet they get too much of one size that the baby quickly outgrows or will quickly develop a brand preference or whatever.

       1. That’s why I always buy a bigger size, because they will need them eventually.

          Pampers Swaddlers Size 2 would be great, and Amazon will deliver them for free.

    3. Not a mom but I worked in childcare for many years and have changed thousands of diapers. I loved Pampers and hated Huggies.

    4. If you want a more unique diaper gift, I like the Honest Co diaper patterns (and they do a cute diaper cake). Could also do a gift card because they sell non diaper things too.

       Books:

       Llama llama red pajama (board book or hardcover for when baby is older)
       Dear zoo (classic, they’ll get tons) + zoo animal puppet(s)
       Pout pout fish
       Peek-a-who (infant)

       Could also do classics for when they are bigger. My 2 y/o loves Madeline and Make Way for Ducklings and Blueberries for Sal. She thinks she is a baby bear.

       1. +1 to Honest Co. gift card. That’s a great idea.

       2. Since everyone’s talking children’s books, I’d just like to plug one book for the 3 yr old set: The Book With No Pictures (by BJ Novak, yes of The Office fame). It’s true, there are no pictures, but it’s very fun to read to kids.

    5. I would get them whatever children’s books are your favorites from your own childhood. Those books are still relevant and it’s a nice way to make a personal connection with the baby. (My friends did this when I had my son, and I still think of certain books as “Becky’s favorite book,” etc.)

       (Although after typing this, I think you might be only looking for diaper brands and be all set on books. Pampers!)

    6. My nieces only use huggies, they got a rash from pampers. Second the GC. Or Target, they often have good sales/coupons/cartwheels on diapers.

       Eric Carle, touch n feel books, are you my mother, soft books with crinkly/noisy stuff.

       1. +1 for Eric Carle. My family owned a nursery growing up and the kids always loved his books.

    7. Sheep in a Jeep is my all time favorite children’s book.

    8. Goodnight Gorilla is my favourite children’s book.

       1. Do you just read it straight, or do you add in discussion? I always cringed when my son picked it (in fact, I think it might have gotten “lost”) because there were so few words, I always wound up kind of ad libbing about the pictures and stuff, which always feels awkward. (I may be overthinking this. Son obviously didn’t care.)

          1. My daughter is not that into Goodnight Gorilla yet, but when I do read it I add in discussion. The same with the “first 100 words” and “numbers, shapes, and colors” books. I talk about related things like, “this is a plane. Do you remember when you went on a plane?” or “this is a fire truck. You saw a fire truck yesterday.”

             1. You guys might be better then me at this stuff. After the 100th time reading a book, I just want to shut my brain off and say words.

             2. Lyssa, I feel your pain. For books that don’t have words (good dog Carl) I basically make up one line for each page (good night giraffe! Gorilla lets out the giraffe!) and after the 12th time or so I don’t have to think about it any more. But definitely books with words (but not too many words) are the easiest to do on autopilot.

          2. There are actually a lot of hidden things that my son picked up on in this book. For instance, the balloon the mouse chews the string off of is in almost every picture. Also, the people watching from the house increase in number as you go on. It was amazing and fun to watch him notice those things and we would comment on them as we read the story.

          3. I do have a little “script” I say when I read it, but mostly it’s about the child pointing things out or discovering new little things. Like each animal has a tiny stuffed version of itself in its cage, and each key is a different colour that corresponds to each cage. I love it.

       2. Mine as well, it was my son’s favorite. There is so much detail. He has his well worn (and chewed copy) in his drawer still (at 18).

    9. Books: Pout Pout fish, Giraffes Can’t Dance, and Munch are my daughter’s current favorites.

       As for diapers, I like Pampers Sensitive and Honest Co. – Honest might be good for a baby shower because they’re really adorable prints.

    10. I would just do books. Highly recommend:
        The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen
        Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae
        Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle
        Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell
        The Going to Bed Book by Sandra Boynton
        Peek-A-Who by Nina Laden
        Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site by Sherri Duskey Rinker
        Where Do Diggers Sleep At Night? by Brianna Caplan Sayres
        The Goodnight Train by June Sobel
        Dragons Love Tacos by Adam Rubin
        Mr. Tiger Goes Wild by Peter Brown
        Where’s Spot? by Eric Hill
        Any of the Leslie Patricelli books

    11. Walter the Farting Dog.

        Watching other people read it to the kids is just as funny as the book.

    12. Big board books full of just pictures of things are the biggest hit in my house. (e.g., My Big Animal Book, First 100 Words, etc.)

    13. Where the Wild Things are
        Madeline
        Babar
        Curious George
        Giant John
        My Box and String
        Green Eggs and Ham

13. I just had a really good meeting, and it was my first time handling this sort of meeting alone (usually my boss is there). I’m feeling proud of myself so yay! Happy weekend.

    1. Awesome!! That is a great feeling. Enjoy your weekend :)

14. I need a recommendation for black professional-ish flats you can wear to walk 2+ miles every day. Extra points for under-$100, but am willing to spend up to $300 for a pair that will last years.

    I’ve tried Tieks and they didn’t last 6 months, but they were comfortable!

    1. if these are for commuting, you really should wear stylish sneakers or something. As a veteran commuter who basically just wears flats, I’ve never found any that are that durable or comfortable.

    2. Do you want to wear these shoes for waking to work *and* in the office? I also walk to work and I don’t walk in my nice shoes, I wear whatever’s most comfortable or weather-appropriate. Nobody cares what your feet look like when you’re walking to the office.

    3. I can walk miles in gentle souls. But I try to buy them on sale because in my experience no shoes last years if you’re always walking in them.

       1. There is only so much durability you can get. After,all, you’re literally walking on your shoes. Anecdotally, I paid $140 for a pair of Clarks walking shoes and wore them for ~600 days over two years before they needed replacement (last month, engineering casual dress code). On the bright side, this amortizes to ~$0.25/day.

          1. Thanks!

    4. The naot kieri last a while, and you can replace the inner footbed if it wears out. They last for ages.

    5. Gentle Souls or Cole Haan Zero Grand (or whatever the oxford-looking shoes are, they are basically sneakers that look like oxfords).

15. Commiseration for being emotional, hormonal, bloated and ready to get off work to go home and relax! There should be days off for period days! The first couple days are brutal.

    1. President Trump would no doubt support this.

    2. I vaguely recall some country – or company? – in Europe that lets women take time off for their periods. There’s been a lot of debate about whether this is helpful or patronizing.

    3. There are period days off in Japan! It’s codified in labour law. No one actually takes mestruation leave though.

16. How do single parents in biglaw successfully manage their schedules? I am working with a senior associate who is a single parent and has the kids every other weekend. The SA flat out refuses to do any work on kid weekends, so I have to pick up the work for both of us. The partners have expressed displeasure but haven’t really done anything because the work ends up getting done (by me). SA never covers for me if something comes up on a non-kid weekend when I have plans. I want to be sensitive to the realities of life with kids, but I’m still a bit bitter about the division of labor. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do about it? Other than get knocked up so I have a trump card too.

    1. Are you junior or senior to this person? If junior, I think you unfortunately have no choice but to $uck it up. But maybe there is a way to send work directly to the partners, so they know you’re taking on more of it? But if the partners know and are ok with it, and you’re not this person’s superior, then it’s unfortunately not your place to make a big stink about it. If you’re senior to this person, then I think you complain to the partners and ask to get someone else working on your matters.
       And no, I don’t think it’s acceptable to refuse to do work on kid weekends. Work from home or not work at certain times of the day, sure, but not set aside a 48 hour block of no work every other weekend.

       1. I actually don’t think it should be that big of a deal to block off every other weekend, so long as he is going above and beyond during the week and the alternating free weekends. Plenty of parents block off a certain number of hours each day for childcare (for example, I do not work from about 5:15 to 8:15 as a general rule). I think the problem here is “SA never covers for me if something comes up on a non-kid weekend when I have plans.” I agree that whether or not OP can do anything about it depends on whether she is junior or senior to SA.

          1. I think blocking off 5:15-8:15 every day is way different than blocking off every other weekend, even if it results in the same number of hours blocked off. The latter is far more of a burden on your colleagues than the former. There are very few things that can’t wait three hours, there are lots of things that can’t wait 48 hours.

       2. I’m junior to this person but I’m also a senior associate. I could push off some of this work onto more junior folks, but (1) I feel badly doing that; and (2) SA would get pissy with me.

          1. Would you feel comfortable discussing this with SA?

             1. Tried. SA doesn’t care. Or rather, claims to be willing to cover stuff for me when I’m on vacation but then refuses when the time comes.

             2. If that’s the case, then I think you do have to address it with whichever partner you’re closest with. Basically, the formal deal needs to be that if he gets to entirely clock out every other weekend on the matters you both work on, he’s on call on the remaining weekends. You’re at the point where a higher power has to intervene for you.

                In the alternative, every time someone emails you on those weekends, you respond to the partner with cc to him and say “Other guy will make sure this is taken care of – thanks.”

       3. Agreed that if you’re junior, you just have to deal with it. I also think that if you’re junior, the SA is (generally) not going to cover for you on non-kid weekends unless you have something non-negotiable (funeral, wedding) versus, like, brunch plans. I also think that partners will ask a more junior associate to do something for cost reasons.

          Although I’m not in biglaw anymore, I empathize with the SA. I love my daughter, but it’s really hard to find time on the weekends to get things done while also managing her, her schedule, and keeping her entertained… and she’s still taking 2 naps a day and I’m not doing it alone. If these kids are older (maybe 4+), they’re probably not taking naps, which means this SA is on call from wakeup to bedtime. The SA should be available via email (caveat that responses would be delayed). Could/should the SA log on after the kids are in bed? Maybe, if there are urgent things that need his or her review. I don’t think a blanket refusal to do work when the SA has the kids is realistic, but I have done solo parenting when my husband is traveling for work and it can be really hard and exhausting.

17. Quick Q: does anyone else have problems commenting in Internet Explorer? Sometimes I do if I am not logged in and try to comment then the site lags and lags — like for every 7 letters I type only 2 make it to the screen. Very odd, trying to figure out if it is me or the site.

    Any other commenting problems? Finally asking our Tech Diva for help with the moderation message (there is supposed to be one, I know there isn’t) as well as other problems like the “duplicate content/posting too quickly” messages.

    Thank you guys (both for reading and responding to this Q)!

    1. testing while logged back out and now there is no problem. So… maybe the problem has been fixed without intervention from us? I eagerly await your responses. :)

    2. This happens to me all the time! I thought it was just my computer, but it only ever happens on this site. It drives me crazy and results in me deleting a lot of comments because I get too frustrated.

       1. Agreed. I often don’t comment because it is such a problem

    3. It’s not happening to me right now, but I’ve had significant problems previously, as recently as 2 days ago. Repeated error messages that the site stopped responding and same issue with my typing not showing up

    4. I’ve been having the lag/freeze while typing problem recently (not all the time, but enough to notice it) but I’m using Chrome. It’s the the point where it’s easier to cut/paste anything more than a sentence or two. I also miss my name auto-filling in the comments section.

       1. This has also happened to me on Chrome (but maybe only 3-4 times).

    5. I have this problem too. Not all the time, but occasionally, and it only ever happens when commenting here.

    6. Happens to me every time I try to access this blog on IE. So annoying. I thought it was something with my firm’s security settings.

    7. I’ve had a lot of problems with this site freezing when I’m using it on IE. I think it has to do with the ads. Basically it freezes and tells me that IE is not responding and I need to re-open the site again. Never happens on my phone though.

18. Has anyone tried this? It’s a matchmaking service co-founded by E. Jean Carroll from Elle. Curious to hear about others’ experiences.

19. Anyone here have experience helping parents or relatives who are prone to hoarding stuff in their homes? Over the years, my parents have accumulated an insane amount of stuff. They are not a danger to themselves because their house is big enough that having 2 rooms full of so much stuff that it almost reaches the ceiling is actually not a huge problem. They have hundreds of books, cassette tapes, old magazines, mugs from the thrift store, yellow pages, broken electronics, and even cheapo wedding favors they never needed to begin with. They don’t live nearby, so I visit them maybe a week or two every year. Any suggestions on how to help them? Marie Kondo-ing is useless because the problem is that everything seems to “spark joy” to them, even cheapo thrift-store mugs that were clearly free company giveaways.

    1. I wish I had strategies!

       My mom is similar in that she has a very hard time parting with possessions. In November of 2013, her 90 year old mother (my grandma) moved out of her home into assisted living. She left behind a house that she’d lived in since she was 25…and every room was full to the ceiling with stuff. It’s now almost April 2016 and my mom still has not managed to clean out the house to sell it. Partially, I think this is because she has the same hoarding tendencies as my grandma. She can’t convince herself to give stuff away, and when she does, she wants to make money off of it by putting it on Kijiji. She’s starting to move crap (not in her mind, but in mine) home from my grandma’s place to the garage of the home she shares with my dad. It’s causing a lot of friction in their relationship – both the standing empty house and the fact that theirs is now a storage space for stuff no one really has any use for.

       This is terrible, but my dad and I have conspired on many occasions to just rent a garbage bin one day and throw everything out. We’ve already given away everything of value (stuff that’s in good condition and reusable) and just want away with the rest.

       Yikes…

    2. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much to do unless the person wants to be rid of the clutter. My husband’s parents are the same way. They had a house FULL of stuff and would get very distressed if anyone tried to throw anything away. They eventually moved and now the new house is filling up. We’ve tried heart to hearts, offering to help, etc., and nothing has worked. We’ve had to just accept that they’re mentally competent, it’s not hurting them, and the choose to live that way.

       1. +1

          If they have other mental health issues that warrant treatment, then I would think about how to approach encouraging treatment for those issues. Hoarding is a symptom, and cannot improve without treatment of the underlying issue. Otherwise, to force someone to get rid of stuff that gives them comfort/sense of security, is a form of torture.

          It is very, very hard to treat this, and it often gets worse with age.

          Just be grateful your parents are both living, they are independent, they both tolerate the situation and can support each other. There are much worse things to deal with than this, I promise you….

    3. I appreciate the insights everyone. It helps to get some perspective on this – yes, they are independent and it is the way they choose to live so I will continue to stay on the sidelines and try to be more understanding. I keep thinking that if they move, the problem will fix itself, but as Anonymous points out above, they’ll just fill-up the new house with things again.

20. This may be too late in the thread to get any responses…

    But a very good friend/mentor/kinda father figure in my life died last month fairly suddenly after being in the hospital for a couple of weeks and going into complete organ failure. He was in his early 50s, left behind a wife (also a good friend) and a teenage daughter.

    I am so sad. I haven’t worn mascara since it happened because I never know if I’m going to cry that day or not. All kinds of things remind me of him. And I just get all teary. I am incredibly fortunate in that this is the first extremely close friend that I’ve lost. But I’ve never been through this before and was just wondering… is it normal that its now almost 6 weeks after his death and I’m still crying or at least getting choked up almost every day? When does the initial wave of grief pass? A few months? A year? I just have never been through this and it seems like we never talk about grief.

    1. I’m so sorry. I can’t offer any advice, but you have my sympathy. I hope that you find the comfort you need. I think it takes as long as it takes and you shouldn’t feel that you need to restrict your grief to any arbitrary timeline. It sounds like this friend was really special.

    2. I’m sorry for your loss. My roommate phrased it great when my teenager sister was hit hard by a schoolmate who died – “grief is not linear.” Everyone mourns in their way – when my college roommate passed three years ago, it took some of my friends a good few months to get past that initial wave, and for others, it passed relatively quickly. Don’t feel like you have to move past it quickly to meet some one else’s expectations. Nati’s right – it takes as long as it takes.

    3. I’ll echo everyone else that it takes as long as it takes, and there really isn’t any way to tell. In every case of my own grief, though, I’ve noticed that going to the funeral or something else that feels final or like closure might help a lot. I also find that it helps me to talk a lot about my loved one who died. It really is different for everyone, and it’s also different every time. You’ll get through it.

    4. It varies. My mother died unexpectedly last year and for the first few months I would get choked up or cry almost every day. That time has passed, but I still find myself getting really sad and crying at strange moments. Last night, I had a beer with two coworkers, went home, was in a totally good mood about doing a great job on something at work, and then remember how proud my mom was when I made partner and suddenly got really sad and started crying.

       I’m sorry for your loss. Take the time you need. There is no normal.

21. So, if I am direct relative of someone who has died, will I be given a copy of the will? Will I be notified once the will has been processed? The deceased’s spouse is still alive.

    I was also previously listed in the family Trust and was executrix.

    I imagine that, at least the executor, designations have been changed. I do not know if the Trust was changed.

    I’m not in touch with the family, obviously. Just wondering what to expect and when – or not. It’s been 3 months now.

    TIA.

    1. Not sure what you mean by direct relative, but I was never given a copy of the will of any of my relatives who passed (grandparents, mother)…. even if I was left something in the will. There was never any formal “reading of the will”, like in the movies, that people were invited to.

       There may be a formal way these things are supposed to proceed, but in my family most things were done quietly behind closed doors. Who knows who got what….

       I suppose if you were led to believe that you were supposed to be the executor, then you could simply call and ask. That is not unreasonable.

       If this is a question about a parent, who is now remarried…. well, things can change in an instant. My father quickly revealed a hidden girlfriend after my mother died. My parents had never completed their Trust, which they had been working on with a lawyer before sudden illness struck and my Mom passed. So things change fast. Now all of my mother’s earnings will be going to the new girlfriend. It is what it is…. but it does sting, as I know it is not what my mother would have wanted.

    2. If you are an “interested person” (heir or devisee, or named in the will, or a child of the deceased) you should get notice that the petition for probate has been filed.

       If there is a surviving spouse, surviving spouse may be the only heir, but if you are a child you should still get notice. If you are further removed, you may not get notice.

       If you know who the family’s lawyer is, contact them and ask if the will has been filed. If it has, it is public record and they should have no issues giving you a copy.

22. What’s the style guideline (if one exists) for purse size relative to briefcase, if carrying both for work? Or is it just a personal preference thing? Is this Kate Spade Maise bag too large when “paired” with a laptop-sized leather over the shoulder briefcase? http://m.macys.com/shop/product/kate-spade-new-york-cedar-street-maise-shoulder-bag?ID=1969263

23. I am interviewing later today for a role in a company with predominantly male leadership. In fact, the only female on my 8-interview agenda is a peer-level person. The rest of the interview is with the (male) executive team.

    I want to ask about this in a way that enables me to feel out if this is a good fit for me without coming off the wrong way. I came from an exec team where the women were pushed out, over the years, one by one and replaced with males of equal or lesser competency (with one great exception of a male that came in and kicked butt). I was the only one left for 2 years, and then my role was cut during a merger and the job duties went to…a slightly senior but still peer in title male (he’s great, but not better than me. We’d be a great team but they offered me a role reporting into him, with half the power and twice the work of what I was doing…and I left). I have no interested in being stuck as a less-competent guy’s #2 for the next decade, but would welcome a chance to join a company where I have growth opportunity, even if it’s as the sole female.

    Is this question most appropriate for (a) the CEO (b) my would-be manager (COO) or (c) the female VP-level peer I’m speaking with? The woman has been at the company the longest; the COO is 6 months old. I could also ask (d) the in-house exec recruiter with whom I’ve been working and have a very good rapport…but I have a feeling I’m going to get a canned party-line answer from him. (note: him!).

    Advise on wording would be great too, if you have any.

    1. There’s no good way to ask this question. The answers you get will be worthless, and you’ll come across as paranoid or lacking judgement. Just pay attention both to what they tell you explicitly, and to the subtle signals they send. Then, you’ll have to use your best judgement.

       1. +1. You’re going to have to get answers from people who have left the company, not the interview team. I would especially recommend that you NOT ask the woman peer explicitly, but you can ask her questions about how she sees her path to promotion/opportunities for development that have come up through the time she’s been with the company. If her tenure pre-dated the management team, you can ask questions about how the transition to the new team has been. Answers to these questions will give you more pertinent info than a direct question about opportunities for women at the company.

    2. Do you have anyone in your network that is an alum of that company? I’ve always gotten good information that way.

    3. I’d just ask about growth opportunities and leave gender out of it.

    4. This is a lose lose. You won’t learn anything and you’ll probably lose the opportunity.

24. I need pants recommendations! We talk often here are about busty women, but what about bootylicious? My waist is usually one or two sizes smaller than my butt, and it’s hard to find pants that fit. Either they fit my waist and make my butt look way too inappropriate for the office, like I got lost on the way to a music video, or they fit my butt, and the waist gets bunched up by a belt.

    Help? Brands, styles? I don’t wear plus sizes, if that helps for reference.

    1. NYDJ. They are miraculous. Both their jeans and their work pants. They’re the only ones that fit off the rack without me having to get the waist taken in.

       I will saw though that JC Penney’s curvy fit worthington pants have been great too!

    2. It’s very hard. Pretty much nothing fits me off the rack. You size for the butt and then have your tailor alter the waist. Unfortunately, I have had bad luck with this at times. I ruined a $300 pair of Theory pants from Nordstrom, which no longer fit my butt after they altered the waist. Then again, Theory is absolutely the wrong brand for us.

       I agree that NYDJ is probably the most generous in allowing for fuller butt/thighs that I have tried. I have only tried them in jeans and cords so far. Unfortunately, I find their cuts less flattering for me. I feel like I am wearing Mom jeans…. maybe they are too high waisted. I really don’t know. And they are often way too long (even though I’m 5′ 7″ and a size 4). I feel like my butt is just too prominent and they don’t lay nicely. I’ve been told that I should try more of the styles.

       I’m still looking.

    3. I’m bootylicious and I’ve had good luck with Tahari ASL (the one at Macy’s, etc) off the rack.

25. An employee in a department that shares resources (kitchen, copier) with mine was in the hospital this week with pneumonia and is back at work today. There are two pregnant employees in our suite and none of us are thrilled she’s back and wiping her nose and touching everything. Would this employee be sent home at your workplace? HR is not here today and we’re at a loss for what to do. If this was my direct report she’d be home.

    1. If she was in the hospital, she was likely on some pretty intensive treatments/antibiotics and is no longer considered contagious.

       She likely is feeling awful, not just because of being sick, but because she has hospital bills, lost a week’s worth of PTO, and is utterly swamped; staying home may not be an option. Give her a break. It’s not like she’s right next to you, you just share the coffee pot and copier.

       If you’re that uncomfortable, make a Starbucks run, pick up some Lysol wipes, and chill.

       1. She has 900 hours of sick leave….so staying home is absolutely an option.

    2. Nope. Do you have sick leave? My company doesn’t have it (we have PTO, not sick/annual, and not very much of it) and my client wouldn’t have the authority to send us home and force us to use leave. Does she have work that needs to be done in the office?

       If she can go home and be paid, you can suggest it. If not… I’d be there, too.

    3. No, it’s unlikely she’s contagious.

    4. Wash your hands like crazy. Don’t touch your mouth/face during the day. Don’t use the kitchen.

       I keep hand sanitizer at my desk.

       I agree that she may still be contagious. But her first week of the illness is when it is most contagious, and I would be particularly reassured if she isn’t coughing. It is likely her doctors did advise her when it was safe to go back to work, but who knows if she is following their advice.

    5. If she’s discharged from the hospital, she’s likely on a crazy high dose of antibiotics and no longer infectious. (source: I’ve been hospitalized with pneumonia. They don’t discharge you lightly.).

26. Do I need to buy new luggage?

    Relatively soon, I’m traveling for work WITH my boss — as in, we’re on the same flights. It’s just a one-night overnight, and I suspect we’ll be going directly from the destination airport to meetings. My rollaboard is perfectly serviceable, but we have cats who’ve loved it as a bed and a scratching post, so it’s far from pristine.

    I’m in-house counsel for a not-for-profit but the entity we are traveling to meet is pretty business oriented.

    Ugh, I probably do have to buy something new, eh? Advice on what to buy? I’m a bit strapped for cash as we just bought a house, so maybe in the $75 range?

    1. Could you put a Facebook/email/text callout and see if you can borrow a carry-on from a friend?

    2. I think “far from pristine” luggage is fine. As a frequent traveler my luggage (even carry-ons) gets dinged up pretty fast. If I replaced it every time it no longer looked “like new,” I would be flat broke. If money is tight, please don’t waste it on brand-new luggage just to impress people.

       1. really? that would be a relief! i don’t want them to think i’m a slob (or someone that can’t be trusted to properly estimate the occasion) but i also don’t particularly want to drop a bunch of $ on luggage right now either. it’s on the long-term to-shop-for list because i think and hope that i will eventually be doing a significant amount of travel for this job. but now is not a great time to shop.

          1. I really think you’re overthinking this. Unless your luggage is literally held together by duct tape, I don’t think anyone is going to look askance.

          2. I have cats also, and think that cat damage is very different from wear and tear. I once left a suitcase out in my home office, and the cats basically destroyed it – cat hair all over it that I would never be able to get off and used as a scratching post so that their are a lot of loose threads. I would never use it for work travel, especially not when with my boss. My normal work suitcase, which has some wear and tear from normal use – sure, I would use when travelling with my boss. (btw, I’m in biglaw, so take this with a grain of salt. the expectation is that we get paid enough to buy decent stuff, which if very true.)

             Could you borrow a suitcase from a friend? Or check out a Nordstrom Rack or similar type store? I’ve seen nice suitcases very cheap at Nordstrom Rack.

             1. I have 2 DVF carry-ons that I got at for around $75-100 at Nordstrom Rack and TJ Maxx. I’ve had the older one for about 8-10 years and it’s held up well. I’ve been using the newer one for 1-2 years, and it still looks brand new.

                I didn’t get the newer one to replace the older one, but rather to replace a larger check-in sized suitcase, for convenience. Even when I need more space than a single carry on for a trip, I’ve found it easier for me to manage 2 carry-on sized suitcases.

    3. I don’t think you need to buy something new. But, I’ve had good wear from the American Tourister carry-on that I got at Target and it’s in that price range. We don’t fly with that piece often since most of our biz travel is by car, but it has held up to monthly travel over the past couple of years.
       Also try TJMaxx.

       1. I got my TravelPro for like $60 from amazon warehouse deals. For something that is going to be manhandled by the airlines anyway, I don’t care if it’s “98% like new with minor cosmetic damage”

    4. Do you have any alternative you can use (like a large shoulder bag?) And will you have to bring the suitcase to your meeting or could you leave it at the hotel/in a rental car? I would normally say not to purchase a suitcase purely to impress people, but it sounds like yours might be overdue for replacement. If borrowing is not possible and you aren’t in a position to replace, maybe a really really good vacuuming and spot cleaning would make it look better?

       1. Second. For a trip that short, consider whether you’d look silly packing too much.

          1. Hmm I was planning on bringing my laptop in my purse/bag/”personal item” and then the carry on would have like, toiletries, workout clothes, and clothes for the next day. I don’t think I can fit all that in my purse/laptop bag.

             Is it better/less obtrusive to bring two shoulder bags?

             One tiny purse and put laptop in my roller bag?

             1. Your plan sounds fine. I would probably not try to fit the next day’s clothes and everything else in a shoulder bag. And I agree with a poster above that, unless your bag is visibly falling apart, no one will pay any attention to some scruffiness or cat scratches. (If the cat pees on the suitcase, though? You have to throw it away. Guess how I know this.)

                If you do decide to replace, you can get one for under$75 at TJ Maxx, etc. I just got a nice one (name brand, although now I’m blanking on it) at Gabriel Brothers, a more déclassé TJ Maxx.

             2. Meant to say, I got a nice one for $50 at Gabriel Brothers.

    5. If you end up replacing, take a look at TJ Maxx.I’ve gotten all my carry ons there for relatively cheap.

    6. Don’t replace but spend some time making the bag look better. Our cats have absurd our main bag and I recently went over it with a lint roller. I was also able to make the snags look better by burning them down with matches (obv. Be careful but the thread should burn itself out when it gets to the end).

    7. I got a very basic black carryon from Costco that I absolutely love and I think it was about $30. It’s perfect for short business trips, has lots of compartments so it’s organized, and fits in all but the smallest of small overhead bins. I can’t find it on their website but it has been in stores for years.

       Here’s a blog post I found that discusses it. Apparently the brand is Ciao. http://costcocouple.com/ciao-ultimate-carry-on/

       I think whether you replace your bag depends on how worn it really is. If it’s a little dinged up, that doesn’t seem like it would be a problem, but if it’s shredding, I’d get a cheap replacement.

27. What would you do?

    I am a first year associate (small firm) expecting our first daughter. Combined income with DH is $130k. We have a condo which is currently underwater: we have a 150k mortgage and the maximum we will get if we sell now is 125k/130k.

    We have about $110k in savings and we are debating whether to buy a bigger place now using the savings for down payment; refinance condo with a 15 year mortgage; or pay off mortgage on condo, sell later and use the money to buy a bigger home. I expect to have the usual 12 weeks maternity leave and then my MIL will babysit (she lives in a different state so she will live with us). The space is tight but we could throw away a lot of stuff that we don’t need/use. My student loans are paid off and DH does not have student loans.

    I appreciate your opinion and advice.

    1. I would not sell and move right now. New babies don’t take up that much space! MiLs take up more, but can you live with that?

       I would not want to deplete my savings right before baby. Even minor medical things can really add up, or lead to you needing more (unpaid?) time off than expected.

       Down the road, would it be crazy to get a renter into your condo to (more than) cover the mortgage payments? Then you wouldn’t have to take a loss on it, and you could use your existing savings for the downpayment on a new place?

       1. Yes, I think I will get along just fine with MIL-it is temporary until baby goes to daycare.

          Thank you for the advice. You are absolutely right, medical emergencies could happen and I need that peace of mind that we can cover the cost. We could rent it out later to cover monthly mortgage payments.

          Thank you!

       2. +1. I have a 10 month old and live in a roughly 900 square foot apartment. Baby gear can take up an annoying amount of space, but it’s not impossible to live in a small space with a young child. Also, for the first few months of her life, my daughter barely spent time in her actual bedroom because she slept in a bassinet in our room.

          I would also be wary of depleting savings right now. Even with very good insurance, our medical bills for pregnancy, labor, and delivery were several thousand dollars. There were also things that came up that we threw money at to fix them. Not like 110k, but enough that being strapped for cash would have been very frustrating.

       3. I would stick it out in your current place. Babies don’t take up much space and if you’re thoughtful about baby gear, it doesn’t have to consume your living space, either. Also, as your baby gets older, you’ll most likely have a much different idea of what you want/need from a house … backyard, proximity to kid-friendly spaces, school district, etc. But it’s hard to know that until you actually get to know your baby! Best of luck.

    2. Why is the condo underwater? Did the market crash or did you borrow against it to get some cash? Either way, I don’t think you should move to a bigger home, since you said you can make it work with baby and MIL in the condo. I’d use a big chunk of the savings to pay down the condo mortgage.

       1. We bought the condo right before the crash…

    3. I wouldn’t refinance to a 15 year mortgage or put any more cash into the condo. The former will raise your payment and the latter will be throwing good money after bad.

       I was about to second the idea of staying put until I saw that your MIL will be moving in. Can you rent the condo for something close to the carrying costs and use your savings for a down payment on a bigger house? I think it’s important for MIL to have her own space (bedroom and bath) if she’s going to live with you.

       1. But I say do nothing until the baby is here and healthy and maybe also do nothing until you are positive the MIL situation will work out. If you can get along in a small space for, say, 3 to 6 months then you can feel confident you will get along in a bigger place.

          1. This is what my instruct is telling me. Wait for healthy baby to arrive, see how MIL situation is, and then when the baby is over 6 months look for a bigger place. Thank you so much!

             1. Sorry I wanted to write “instinct”.

28. Does anyone have any experience with bags from JW Hulme? I love the look of them but am wondering if they are well constructed enough to justify the splurge…

    1. Yes! They are beautifully made! I think they are not the most attractive thing you can buy but my family all does because they are pieces that last forever.

29. I think I know the answer, but –

    What would you do if a coworker made incredibly racist and homophobic comments/jokes in your presence? I know that realistically, any kind of reporting to HR is a Bad Idea even if it was as hypothetical or I didn’t name him – I just know it would get back to me and paint me as an uptight PC b!tch. And no one likes a snitch, etc.

    It’s just haunting me. Some of the things he said were incredibly hurtful and made me so sad to hear others laughing at them. I feel like absolute cr@p that I just smiled and nodded through the comments.

    I guess I always wished I’d be that strong person who stops in the moment and says, “That’s not funny.” But I’m not, and now it’s eating at me.

    1. Sometimes the best way to make someone realize what they’ve said is hurtful without directly calling them out on it is to look confused and say, “I don’t understand the joke. Could you explain it to me?” Hopefully he realizes as he’s explaining that he’s said something incredibly inappropriate, but if not, you could follow it up with, “Thanks for the explanation. I’ve never heard someone say something like that at work before, so I wasn’t sure what you meant.” Then at least you’ve put him on guard that that isn’t an appropriate joke for the office, and if he continues you can either have a more direct conversation with him or go to HR.

    2. You could go and speak to that person privately and say, “Look, I didn’t want to bring it up in front of everyone but what you said was not okay. Please refrain from this language/discussion at work in the future.” Or, their boss. You can ask a trusted mentor how best to approach the situation.

30. Could use some advice! In a transition phase in life…am turning 30 at the end of this year, and just started a new job about 2 months ago. I returned to my parents house while I was job hunting (ended up being unemployed for 1.5 year after grad school). My parents live in the suburbs and it takes me about an hour to bus/train to work in the city.

    I have little to no friends (i.e. I know 2 people who I see every few months) as I have moved and travelled through most of my 20s. However, I could really use a group to do social things like grab brunch on weekends, or attend the occasional dinner or event. I don’t mind doing things alone but feel like if I don’t expand my social circle I will be a lonely lady with 45 cats! I am not sure how to meet people though….I am trying to attend networking events but it feels like speed dating where I feel pressure to impress people and hand off as many business cards as possible. Not exactly lasting connections being made. Any advice how a late 20s/early 30s single woman can get some friends?

    Also, I really really want to move out of my parents home as I like my own space and I feel like I am 15 when I am at home and the suburbs are social suicide here. However…free rent and I can buy all the things and afford to travel if I live at home. Should I suck it up and save for a year or so at home or should I give up some luxuries and be an independent adult…I am completely on the fence on this because rent is freaking expensive here!! (west coast of Canada).

    Sorry this is so long! Don’t have a lot of people to bounce this off!!

    1. Have you tried meetup.com? It’s a good way to meet people based on hobbies instead of networking, so you already know you have something in common and there’s no speed dating aspect to it. I was a French major in college but don’t have much opportunity to practice now, so I joined a meetup specifically for young women who studied French/lived abroad and I’ve gotten to meet more people that way.

       1. Oh, thanks for reminding me to check that out! I was a bit apprehensive about it but it’s nice to hear someone who found them to be good :)

          1. French club sounds fun (to me). How about joining or starting a book club? (Via meetup) Perhaps find a cooking class or a wine tasting class? Do you have hobbies like cycling, running or hiking? Find a club that does group rides/runs/hikes. Kayaking? Knitting circle? What do you like to do for fun? Are there college or grad school alumni groups in your town?

    2. Reach out to your old friends and set up brunches with them. Also, roommates. Go stay in a fully furnished place, see how you like it, you may even become friends with your roommates.

    3. I’m just across the mountains from you and turning 30 soon! I visit the West Coast every so often, if you ever want to chat, feel free to drop me an email cdn[insert the name of this s*ite] at google’s mail service

    4. Are you in VanCity? I highly suggest signing up for a Running Room clinic. Even the entry level distances were great places to meet people.

31. Hello, I typically limit my purchases to tier/group 2, but came across a jumpsuit that is currently on sale for $130. I like the neckline, sleeves, waistline, inseam, color and drape. It’s hard to find a jumpsuit as a tall woman, much less one with a tiny bust and pear shape.

    Thoughts? Is the price still to high for viscose?

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/diane-von-furstenberg-dezi-jumpsuit/3995657

    1. ugh, *too*

32. Does anyone do waxing themselves? Specifically leg waxing? Before vacations and occasionally in the summer I get my legs waxed and really love the smooth result as well as not having to worry about shaving for a few weeks. For me, it’s not painful at all, but it is quite expensive and seems (at least for legs) something I might be able to do myself. Any experiences or recommendations from the hive?

    1. Years ago, I bought a home waxing kit. Like you, I thought….. this isn’t rocket science. But I am very, very hairy and I basically have to do my entire leg. I cannot afford professional waxing either.

       So, the first time I tried self waxing, I bruised myself so badly, I kept my legs covered for weeks while they healed. It was awkward for me, and obviously I did poorly. So the waxing kit went to the back of my closet….

       When I moved, I gave it to my close friend who helped me packed. She has had much better luck with it, and used it regularly.

    2. I used to wax my armpits all the time (it hurts more than you can imagine the first few times, but then becomes really bearable), and have waxed my legs a number of times. My best experiences were with the Sally Hansen strips, but I usually had to follow up legswise with a tweezer or razor for the stray hairs that the strips missed. Still, that was easier for me than the hot/cold wax and fabric strips. It works, but it’s a lot of work, and probably a bit of trial and error as you figure out what works best for you. The azulene (sp?) oil that comes with waxing kids is magic though.

    3. I use Parissa warm wax. For me, it is by far the best. Get an extra pack of muslin strips – the number in the box is not enough. I also use a coffee cup warmer to set the wax on, after microwaving it, to keep it warm – they are the same thing as wax warmers, just cheaper. I can usually do my lower legs in 60 minutes, but I am very hairy so ymmv. I do it on th kitchen floor with a few sheets of wax paper undeneath the wax pot and the area I’m waxing for easy cleanup.

33. Long time lurker looking for advice. I’m 24 year old 3L going to a spring party/fundraiser (live band, open bar, silent auction, appetizers) for a legal aid clinic held at the (very large/fancy) home of the couple who founded said legal aid clinic. If it matters, the party is in mid-April

    I found this dress and I’m not sure if it’s too casual/young for this type of party: http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/tahari-asl-sleeveless-printed-fit-flare-dress?ID=2685052&upc_ID=35453382&Quantity=1&seqNo=1&EXTRA_PARAMETER=BAG

    If it’s totally terrible, I’m also open to suggestions. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated!!

    1. It’s cute and appropriate.

    2. Totally appropriate and very cute- coming from another 3L who’s been to legal aid fundraisers/parties/etc.
       I’d wear it with heels for sure, stud earrings and a necklace or dangly earrings and no necklace. The belt pictured makes it a bit more casual imo- I might leave it off if possible.
       I would wear a muted pink lipstick or stain, nude, glowy eyeshadow (http://m.maccosmetics.com/product/13840/1573/Products/Makeup/Eyes/Shadow/Pro-Longwear-Paint-Pot#/shade/Bare_Study is my absolute fave for a neutral look that’s still super pretty), and hair pulled back into a curled ponytail or a loose bun, if that’s a thing (I have a pixie so I don’t assume there).

34. Hello Hive – I have worked for government for years, I’m just a few years from retirement eligibility, and it appears that in this upcoming month we are about to have a re-org with a forcing out of top-level staff, including me. Since it’s the government, there is no severance package. Panic is starting to set in which is causing me to freeze up. Does anyone who’s been through this have advice on what pro-active steps I should be taking? I’ve applied for 3 other jobs and waiting to see. They all pay less, though. Thanks.

    1. Have you fully vested in your govt pension? If you have, just start networking like crazy and find another job to tide you through until you can start collecting.

       If you have not fully vested but have just a few years left to vest, I’d start working your contacts within your govt (and any other govt or quasi-govt entities that share your govt’s pension plan) and see if there is somewhere you can land until you fully vest. I’d leave yourself open to taking a pay cut (even a relatively significant one). This will likely not affect your overall pension since they’re usually based on an avg of your highest five or three years pay.

       Finally, if you have a good rep in your Dept but winds of change just aren’t blowing in your direction, I’d ask the new powers that be if you could demote into another open spot just to finish out your time until you fully vest. Two caveats, (1) I think this works best if you truly just have a short time left like less than 2 years so you aren’t lurking around forever. (2) You need to have a generally pleasant attitude about your new role in the org and actually put in a full days work.

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