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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cap-Sleeve Cardigan

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I need to add some cardigans to my closet to prepare myself for summer air conditioning. This one from White House Black Market would be a great option for spicing up an otherwise basic outfit. The gold buttons are cute and the floral accent gives it a touch of whimsy.

Pair it with a midi skirt and a work-appropriate tee, and you’ll be set to go.

The sweater is $110 at White House Black Market and comes in sizes XXS-XL. 

Sales of note for 5/15:

  • Nordstrom – 3800+ items in “new markdowns” — I kind of wonder if they've started marking down stuff for their Half-Yearly sale that usually starts the week before Memorial Day. Good deals on Veronica Beard, Vince, Reiss (esp. coats), as well as Wit & Wisdom and NYDJ
  • Alexis Bittar – Vault sale! 100s of re-issued archival styles up to 70% off, plus 25% off all full-price styles too
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
  • Boden – Up to 50% off with new styles added
  • J.Crew – 40% off your purchase and 50% off dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 20% off orders over $125
  • Lands' End – Up to 60% off sitewide + extra 60% off sale and clearance
  • Loft – 50% off your purchase, and 5/15 only: take 60% off the LOFT Versa collection
  • Mango – Weekend exclusive, 30% off everything, and free shipping with $260+
  • M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Supergoop – 20% off sitewide + free Glow Stick (also, free shipping with $50+)
  • Talbots – Extra 40% +15% off all markdowns, plus Summer Fridays One Day Sale (5/15), $19.50 pocket tees and $29.50 relaxed chino shorts.
  • Theory – 25% off sitewide
  • TOCCIN – 30% off select items with code! (You can't stack codes, but on full price items try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!)
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

273 Comments

  1. Has anyone ever left a comfortable marriage because you feel like you’re missing out on something more? DH is my best friend and a great dad, but there is zero passion or romance, intimacy happens only once every month or two. I love him, but it feels more familial than romantic at this stage. When our kids were younger, it didn’t matter as much because I was so touched out, but now I wonder if I’m just settling for good enough rather than giving myself the space to see if there is something more for me.

    2. If that is your only issue I’d use my words first with someone who seems to be a good person who cares for you.

      1. Yes, you may find someone else but also…there are many songs about this. Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?

        1. Also ask any person who is dating at this age– it’s bleak out there, babe.

    3. If you value the person as a human being–they are good, kind, special and unique in their way, do what you can to stay. The number of good humans on the dating market is very small.

      1. + 1M to that last sentence.

        “Excitement” may come with lives with parents, FICO score is 17, still in a “situationship,” has a rap sheet. IMO I loved the Diane Lane movie Unfaithful and found that it was an excellent movie, it was also a realistic look at how fun things end poorly in a way that sticks when you are north of 25.

      2. Let’s be real. The number of good MEN in the dating market is near zero.

        Idk what happened to my generation (elder millennial) give or take ~10 years. Men in my grandfather’s generation were good, kind, responsible men. They were maybe a little emotionally stiff but not emotionally stunted. Yet starting with the boomers on down, men seem to have become less responsible and more entitled with every generation. They can’t even be friends with each other they’re so self-centered. Then they wonder why they’re lonely.

        It’s bleak out there. If you have a good man who treats you well, latch on to him like an intestinal parasite.

        1. I don’t know if this is objectively true (that there were more “good men” around a few generations ago). Women of my grandparents generation tell me about marrying a guy who was “good” in that he held down a job and took the kids to baseball games *but also*, that he was easy to dodge when he was drinking. Women’s standards have increased (This. is. A. Good. Thing.)

    4. How old are your kids now? If you are asking what I would do, I would not leave a comfortable marriage like you’re describing while my kids are still at home.

    5. I would absolutely not divorce over this. A stable, boring family is an incredible gift.

      5. Amen. Also romance comes and goes and there are ways to make things more interesting if you get it all out on the table and actually talk about it.

    6. Have ya’ll done anything to address the lack of passion? This calls for a romantic trip together if budget allows. I would focus on re-establishing that connection as much as possible.

    7. To be frank, absolutely unequivocally no. You do not do this. Value your marriage, your spouse as a person, and fix this instead of running away.

      1. I’ve been where you are and agree with this comment. Do what you can to re-invest in him. Flirt. Smile. Whatever you need to do. He’s your best friend.

    8. Is it possible he also wishes that there could be more passion or romance but hasn’t been making it the priority, but you could talk this through? Especially if you were feeling touched out before, it sounds like you are describing a phase and a common development in a long term relationship that would eventually happen again with a new partner and would need to be addressed then anyway.

      1. My thought exactly. It’s also possible that each one tried to fix it when the other wasn’t receptive. Sometimes trying to fix it at the same time works wonders.

        1. Yes. It’s easy to feel discouraged or hurt if attempts fail, or to feel like it’s a sign that future attempts will fail too. But over years it can be more of a dance and stars do align again, and the efforts are worth taking. There is really nobody else out there with as much going for him as the man we married and had children with who treats us well, even if he’s not been actively pursuing us romantically the way a new partner temporarily might… that is the part to work on.

    9. You would be an absolute insane crazy person filled with regret if you do this. No honey no. This is called marriage. You do not throw this away.

    10. this sounds like a midlife crisis or expecting marriage to look like a rom com. invest in your marriage!

    11. Okaaaay, so here I am on the other side of a divorce. Every situation has pros and cons. The pros for me is that I lead a wonderful, independent life. I travel with the children and am able to have life adventures in a way that can’t or won’t happen for a woman with a partner. The cons are that sometimes I miss romantic love in my life. I am beyond happy with my decisions. I didn’t leave because of romance or intimacy (although it was gone). I left because he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. So it is a different situation but I can offer you a glimpse in single life.

      Here’s my 2 cents – it’s not that easy to get l..aid. I am fit, attractive, successful, great personality. I have lots of options! But I don’t like them. The reality is that there aren’t that many stable, good looking (ish), funny, smart guys out there. I am not complaining at all. I love my life. After a traumatizing marriage, I don’t care if I ever end up with a partner again! But you have different motivations for considering leaving, and I think it’s worth noting it’s not guaranteed that you will find passion or romance as a single person.

      2. Going through some medical things now and I feel that I likely would not date a lot as a widow (50s). I don’t think I’d want to date the people available to date. I feel that I know more widows than I thought I would, starting in my late 30s (and a few widowers). Two people with young kids remarried. I know a lot of divorced women and a few have dated, but have often hated it. They feel that they are chasing too few quality men and everyone has issues if they are old enough to have kids. Some with objectively bad marriages don’t miss the bad marriage, but most haven’t been able yet swap that for a quality relationship.

      3. I agree with all of this.

        I’m in the process of a divorce which is dragging on for Reasons. Some very lovely men have approached me. But I left my marriage to be single – it was emotionally abusive and veered into physical abuse.

        The OP has been married long enough to have older kids. I think she will be shocked at how much dating changes between, say, 27 and 45.

      4. Women with partners can’t travel wherever they want with their kids? That’s news to me.

        But +1 on the difficulties of repartnering. I would only do this if being single forever sounds better, which maybe it does. But the women I know who’ve left decent marriages have mostly been shell shocked that they didn’t immediately find a great new guy.

        1. Depends on the custody agreement and where you are going, but often – no, you cannot take your children out of the country without the other parent’s permission. And that permission is not always forthcoming.

          1. She’s saying married women can’t travel and divorced women can, so it’s not about custody agreements.

        2. I think the difference is “Is my life likely to be better *without* an abusive/very emotionally immature partner” (yes!); “Is my life likely to be better without a stable, kind, a-little-romantically-boring partner?” (probably not).

          1. Yup. Although I do think if a man is not pulling his weight on parenting and household stuff, you can be better off without him, even in the absence of “bad” behavior. I suspect that may be the root of the issue, not that he’s “boring.”

        4. What I mean is that the dynamics change in a marriage or partnership. I regularly schedule a couple days at the end of a business trip to do something cool. My mom will cover me. That just doesn’t happen in a marriage. You have to come back to your partner and life.

          EVERYTHING has tradeoffs. And yes, married women have less opportunity for adventure than me – a single mom who makes a lot of money and has a lot of family support.

          2. You’re being obtuse. You have more freedom when you’re not accommodating another person.

          3. Yeah I do this too (regularly) and I’m married.

            I personally don’t really feel like I’ve lost any freedom being married. My husband is easy going and says yes to pretty much anything I’d want to do. Certainly the wrong marriage can feel confining but I don’t think there’s inherent loss of freedom.

    12. Do you have fun together? I’m asking because something I’ve often thought about during my marriage was this article: https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-21940297 It argues that the foundations of a good marriage are lust, laughter, and loyalty – “kept in constant passage, transitively, back and forth, so that as one subsides for a time, the others rise” – and you pass between loyalty and lust by way of laughter. It’s been so true for my own marriage, so personally, I wouldn’t go straight to either divorce or a romantic getaway. I would start by trying to have more fun and then see where it leads.

    13. Your best friend and a great dad versus, hoping you find a high quality single man who is great in bed as a single
      Mom?

    14. Have sex more often for a few months and see how you feel then. You should initiate in whatever way feels best.

      Spending the rest of your life with a best friend and great dad sounds pretty good tbh.

    15. This sounds ideal–life with the perfect partner AND no pressure to put out on a regular basis to keep him happy?!?

      1. Some of you love telling on yourselves as incapable of directing traffic so your pleasure bus also arrives at the station.

        3. Some of us had spouses who refused to take direction. Some of us married men who claimed before marriage that our pleasure mattered, too, and then the moment the honeymoon started, began to yap about how women don’t need climax; they just need closeness.

    16. If you were in your 20s and had no kids this might be an option for you because of a vague something else. I think you’ve vastly romanticized what it’s going to be like if you leave your best friend, break your home, split the finances, and then end up dating grandpas (if they can see past the single mom thing) because everyone else wants women under 35.

    17. Thanks all for candor. I’m not actively looking to leave, and perhaps it’s really just a midlife crisis and the day to day slog getting to me. We’ve spoken about my need for more intimacy and romance, but no meaningful change.

      1. Standing lunch date helps for us. We have a lunch date the first Friday or Saturday of every month and take turns picking a different place.

        I’d love to do a kid-free trip but it’s not in the cards for us right now. I hear you on the raising the issue and the frustration that your partner is not prioritizing that intimacy.

      2. Recognize that relationships have ups and downs and change over time. If you are not satisfied with the current state, work on changing it. Don’t throw it away for a rom com version of your life.

      3. Are you waiting for him to initiate the passion and romance? You may have to take the lead on that to help you both get out of a rut. He may not know where to start. Definitely try for a kid free trip of possible or just a date where you preferably do something active together. Just getting out of your routine and comfort zone might help a lot.

      4. If there are time and energy obstacles, it may help to make the time (the child-free trip away) and do something about energy (most of us become older and more tired than we were; keeping up with our doctor’s appts and taking a good multivitamin can sometimes help; I thought a CPAP would be the death knell of romance but turns out that not being sleep deprived all the time actually really helps too).

      5. I read a good amount of romance novels, and occasionally find myself wishing for the excitement that is found therein. HOWEVER…when I look around me in real life…never have I ever seen a man who would, in real life, meet that level of excitement. In fact, although my husband and I are more often friends/ships in the night due to kids and work…I’ve never actually come across a man in real life I’d be more interested in than him. Have you ever engaged in that experiment? For a couple of days, walk around life and really look at all the men! None of them are as good as what I have…I bet it’s the same for you!

    18. You say he’s a great dad but is he a good equal partner? Does he pull his weight with domestic labor including logistics?

    19. Try reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. And TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND before this book shows up on your nightstand.

    20. I have plenty of single and divorced friends. It is ROUGH out there, assuming you are older than 35. Very few hot, functional, single men dating women their own age.

      I am committed to my boring, stable marriage. I find excitement in other areas of my life.

      Get in bed more with your husband. Try new things. Go on a kid-free trip together.

    21. I’ve had these thoughts myself. I’m married to a great guy who is kind, loving, stable, employed, but there is no romance or passion. When I’ve considered leaving, I realized that I have to think about my life afterward as being single, not as finding something better. The analysis for me is would I rather be married to him or live alone, and I choose being married to him. Without question, some people find a new person/spouse and are happier, but that’s far from guaranteed – I may not find a new person and be single or find a person and discover he’s the same or less than what I have.
      For me, staying with DH and leaning into what we have while supplementing on the side with things that I think are fun (either alone or with my friends) has struck a good balance for me.

    22. Here are my two cents: You have children. The marriage is fine, but not passionate. Stay for your kids.

      1. Yeah. Don’t stay for your kids in a marriage where there is active and persistent conflict, of course. But this sort of thing? This is the point of the vows.

    23. A family member left his wife of 30 years because she’s boring. He met and married an amazing woman 20 years younger shortly after his divorce was finalized (no cheating, at least not with the new wife; I’m sure he was cheating before but new wife is lovely and would never). So he’s pretty much the best case scenario coming out of your situation.

      It has cost him a lot. It took his kids years to come around to having a relationship with him again. They exclude new wife from a lot of important life events. She gets a ton of undeserved hate. It’s really unfair to her. To his credit, he’s made hard decisions to also be excluded when she is.

      His new wife is basically the opposite of his ex in good ways and “bad”. She is fiery in life and in arguments. He actually thought she was mentally unwell until I was all, lol no welcome to life with someone not-boring! I get the sense he often misses his ex’s calm, balanced nature.

      He’s always comparing new wife to ex in subtle ways. I’m not sure he even realizes he’s doing it. But new wife picks up on it and it’s made her increasingly insecure, which leads to more fights. He claims to not understand where she’s coming from but I think it’s just intellectual laziness. I think he wants the best of both worlds: be exciting when I want, be calm when I don’t.

      I don’t think he’ll ever be happy with anyone. He cannot accept that people are complex and imperfect, that you have to take the good with the bad. The flip side of everyone’s best quality is their worst. If you think you’re missing passion, the flip side of a passionate person is passionate arguments and really low lows. Are you willing to put up with that? If you chose a spouse who’s calm and respectful then it seems like the answer is no.

      1. Generally speaking marrying someone 20 years your junior is pretty gross. The anger should be directed at dear daddy but the younger wife is an easier target.

        1. +1. The new wife is very likely to be closer in age to the kids than the husband. I would have a very hard time accepting that too

  2. I have a fashion question for an EMT class I finally got into.

    I need to buy a pair of black tactical boots, 3/4 top or higher. What do I look for? I’m going to the uniform shop tomorrow. I’m usually OK in a women’s 9 for anything I can wear with socks (doc martins, etc). Is there a good type to look for? I imagine it’s usually stocked with mens sizes, which is probably OK with thicker socks. I’m just wearing these to class and not otherwise except for mandated ride-alongs. Pleather would be OK as long as they are not uncomfortable.

    I also need to buy a stethoscope. Any advice for that?

    I’ve done NOLs first aid training before and this is my first non-NOLs one and we just had to take pulses before, so it will be a new purchase and IDK how to figure out what to do. Having one was mandated but not any particular one.

    1. I imagine whatever company is operating the course would have recommendations for what gear to buy?

      1. No — it’s a community college and it’s just a stethoscope and 3/4 boots. Maybe the uniform store will have limited types or some advice (but also: they are selling me something). It’s probably not $$$ since the store outfits county uniformed services. But not my normal shopping scene.

    2. My husband was an NREMT and a firefighter and for class and other non-field work, he preferred mid or high top Vans to boots. Said the boots were hot and needlessly clunky for most applications. If boots are mandated because of toe reinforcement, that’s something to consider. Good
      Luck!

      1. I think we have to have them for ride-alongs and those are mandatory. I get that once you pass all this, they maybe let you pick your footwear for further trainings.

        I have only run into grave trouble with flat shoes / boots that are too small, now that I think of it. Socks counter any issues with rubbing. It’s pumps / heels that really fail the road test (even if they are fine with in-store walking). I just want avoid buying a Red Wing Shoes level purchase if that’s possible. I know that Walmart sells this sort of item, but imagine that maybe that’s the other extreme of quality.

        1. Totally makes sense.

          Avoid the walmart level boots, and consider if you can find a hiking boot you can try on at an REI or outdoor store that also comes in all black. Order those? Probably doable for mid 100s vs Redwing prices, while still being comfortable and safe.

          Oh, and get something water repellant/ resistant, if possible.

    3. EMT here – I like a sort of sneaker/tactical boot hybrid (my current pair is from under armor and I can’t find the exact pair, but they’re similar to this: https://reebokwork.com/sublite-cushion-tactical-rb086/). They’re a little lighter/more comfortable than a heavy boot but still reinforced. For a stethoscope, I bought a littman for my class, but you don’t need one that expensive. You don’t use them in the field that much because there is usually too much ambient noise, so it’s mostly just for class.

    4. For stethoscopes I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone not use a Littman. Good luck!

    5. Get the littmann classic III stethoscope. I’m an MD and have primarily trained on the littmann IV and now own a Littmann Core. The Core wasn’t worth the money, I never charge the thing to use the amplification. It takes a LOT of practice auscultating to know what is an important sound vs. unimportant when they are all amplified. You don’t need that in the field.

      A favorite mentor of mine once shared that trainees should have more basic stethoscopes for this reason. Important sounds (murmurs, rubs, wheezing, crackles) will be heard with a basic stethoscope but sometimes one with too much sensitivity can be confusing when you are training your ear. At the same time, you don’t want a disposable piece of $20 trash.

      Get a fun color so you can find it easily among other stethoscopes!

    6. Try LAPoliceGear.com. 5.11 Tactical is another good option. Merrell and Sketchers also have a selection of black tactical boots in their Work/Safety sections. Good luck!

  3. Any recs on where to stay in NYC for a girls weekend in June? Looking to spend no more than $500/night. Also, if you’ve done something like this, did you assume each friend would get her own room or would you offer to share?

    1. How old are you and how even are people’s budgets? At 40+ my priority is my own space and sleep quality over saving a few hundred dollars to share a room.

      1. 2 nights in a girls-weekend neighborhood could be $1000. At that point, that’s some good meals out, tickets to something, etc.

    2. We usually share two to a room so we can get a better hotel. $500 in NYC is going to be tough.

      1. +1 – a room with 2 queen beds and 2 ppl per room is my usual approach. I refuse to share a bed in my 40s!

      2. I appreciate having my own room in general, but given this budget in NYC, I would also share two to a room so you can stay somewhere nicer.

    3. Did this and shared. In Weehawken to save $ and enjoy the ferry ride. It’s a weekend to see each other and wouldn’t separate rooms be at odds with that? In NYC you are really just sleeping there, no?

    4. At NYC price point I’d be way more inclined to share, plus you get more time together. I say this someone who both needs my sleep and is a very light sleeper, so it is somewhat dependent on having a compatible friend to share with. Somewhere cheaper, I might lean more toward your own rooms. Obviously individual budgets and sleep preferences differ.

      1. Same.

        I know from prior trips that some college friends snore now. We are old enough friends that we have done up to 5/room. 2/room would be ideal now, with the snorers sharing one together.

          1. I don’t go on trips with shared sleeping arrangements because I talk in my sleep.

    5. Park Lane is an affordable place that might be right at your budget. I have stayed multiple times for girls weekends and with my family. It’s right at the edge of Central Park so it’s nice to just go out the front door to the park.

    6. The Wallace and the Artehouse on the UWS are both nice enough and not usually super expensive. UWS is a very nice neighborhood. It is a straight shot downtown if you want to go out to eat or hang out in the West Village. Also easy to get to Midtown. Close to Central Park. The Met and the Frick are an easy walk across the park.

    7. I am a princess but I would prioritize a nice hotel over privacy, so I’d get a $1,000/night room (two beds, of course) and share.

      1. Ha, I always thought it was more princess-y that I would rather have my own room in a standard hotel than share in a fancy hotel.

        1. Hence the “but.” Generally I would rather have my own room but in NYC you have to pay big bucks for even a decent hotel.

      2. +1 but it would also depend on who I’d be sharing with. Not all my friends are created equal.

  4. I’m looking for birthday gift ideas for a new friend. She is a producer for ESPN and loves what she does. She loves sports and animals (she has several dogs and cats) and she usually drinks wine when we go out. I’m usually a good gift giver but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t have a large budget – maybe $40. Just looking for something small.

    1. I hope you get a lot of good suggestions. You provided a lot of detail.

      I opt out of giving gifts for just this reason–the likelihood of spending $40 on the wrong thing. I’d be more apt to offer to meet up for a post-work glass of wine and cover the birthday girl’s bill. Maybe a specialty cupcake/individual sized cake (chocolate, rum, etc.) in an individual box?

      1. One thing to consider for a new friend is whether the friend is a gift-giving person. I hate having to figure out gifts for people for a regular occasion like a birthday and I don’t like receiving gifts that a person wanted to buy me because of a regular occasion. My house is small, so stuff is a burden. If someone gives me a birthday gift, I’ll feel the need to reciprocate.

        I love anon at 9:33am’s idea of taking someone out for their birthday or a cupcake, though.

    2. Does she have a favorite team or a college team she likes? I’d get her some cut flowers in those colors (if possible) or just go out for drink / dessert.

    3. I get personalized notepads or notecards on Etsy for this. And don’t let the gift haters talk you out of doing something like this. My other go-to is a luxury lip product, like Dior lip glow.

      1. Yes, but only if you have enough time. Etsy can take forever if you need something by the weekend. I do like the lip glow idea.

      3. You can make personalized notepads on Vistaprint and they usually arrive within the week.

    4. i like to go with an inexpensive version of something inexpensive– a gift certificate to a real salon for a mani? a nice hand lotion? don’t know where you are but if she’s a newish friend maybe plan to take out for a not expensive but fun meal (like we just want to a pizza place that had a 5 course “supper club” for $40, somthing like that)

    5. A book you’ve recently liked. Theo of Golden is my current go-to recommendation. Related story: I have a male cousin who calls me about twice a year, usually for no reason. Love him, love the calls. Anyway, he called me the other day to tell me about this fabulous book he is reading, and I interrupted to say, “Is it Theo of Golden?” It was. He had not even finished it yet and couldn’t wait to tell me about it.

    6. Something like Aesop hand soap is great for this. It is a splurge, but a lovely indulgence and within your budget.

    7. I just bought myself a really fun keychain airtag holder. It’s above your price range so I won’t link, but it is SO cute. You could do a cheaper keychain + the airtag…

  5. What would you do?

    Job 1- fully remote role finding teapot makers for several different companies. Commission based, averages around 170k a year but fluctuates. Always on because any time off is a possible deal lost. No advancement opportunities.

    Job 2- hybrid. 2 days a week in office, hour commute each way mostly on train. Base salary of 200k plus bonus. Find teapot makers just for this company, plus assist with their onboarding. Can take time off. More advancement opportunities. Stable company but this is a new role for them.

    Mid 30s, 3 kids.

    1. How good are you at finding teapots? Option 2 sounds better either way, but if you’re really good at it and want to be remote, choose 1.

    2. 2 could give you the opportunity to pick up other HR work and broaden your skill set, plus it’s more money and real PTO… the commute 2x a week would be totally fine with me as a tradeoff for that.

      1. also, 1 sounds like the kind of job that is not as hard to find, if you take 2 and decide you’d rather have gone with 1.

        1. This is a really, really good point. If you hate the commute, Job 1 will always exist again. Job 2 might not.

          1. OP here and you’re correct. Job 1 is easy to find, Job 2 more rare especially at the salary they’re offering me.
            Part of my hesitation is being a job hopper- I’ve been at my current role for almost four years, but my last two roles were each only 2.5 years. It’s not uncommon in my industry, but I still feel weird about it.

          2. Are you the one who posted a few days ago with a bunch of 2 to 2.5 year stints? If so, and you are a recruiter, I absolutely don’t think of that timeline as job hopping. That seems industry standard. You got answers from people who think that would be a little bit of a red flag if you were an associate at a law firm (which it takes that long for issues to arise). Not in the recruiting world though.

            Also, life is freaking short. If you had only been at Job 1 hustling for 6 months, maybe it would be a question. But after 4 years of hustling, go with the stable job, and see if you like it.

          3. yeah, if you were the recent poster, I wouldn’t think of your job history (2-3 years per job) as negative in the recruiting world, vs. normal. I was thinking of it from a new law school grad perspective.

    3. Definitely 2. Hour commute isn’t great but only 2x week and mostly on train would make it bearable for me. Sounds like a better long term plan. At this stage in my life (late 30s but no kids) “always on” sounds awful to me. Which do you think you would enjoy more?

      1. I’m genuinely curious – why add the second question? Is that something you would say to a person in real life? As in, are you in the habit of asking rhetorical questions that seemed aimed at making the person feel dumb, or are you asking if she really has a reason for considering job 1?

          1. It is a really obnoxious way to convey that sentiment. Also, it clearly isn’t, given that she posted it as a question, and folks have thoughts.

          3. I am not the OP, but this would not be a slam dunk choice for me. Three little kids is a lot (I also have three children), and never having to commute makes a world of difference in my day-to-day. I am not sure I would take a job with an hour commute 2x per week.

            Though, I will say that OP’s option 1 don’t sound stellar either, despite wfh.

          4. Ha, I’m sorry you can’t handle honest feedback about how you sound on the Internet!

            It wouldn’t be a slam dunk for me, and it clearly isn’t for her – again – bc she posted here asking about it. I also have 3 kids, but my husband travels a lot. I have a kid who gets sick easily, and it would be tricky to be an hour away by train because she often needs to be picked up urgently. My income is secondary, and I would (and do) take flexibility over maximizing my income. So /shrug/ your experience and feedback is not universal, your rhetorical question did sound obnoxious, and just like you are entitled to post obnoxious one liners, I am entitled to provide the feedback that it sounded obnoxious :)

    6. 2 for sure.

      An hour commute, mostly on the train, sounds pretty peaceful. That can be your time to read a book for fun, listen to podcasts, and text your friends you never see since having 3 kids and working full time.

      Congrats! Embrace #2, and good luck.

  6. HI! I know there are some New Mexico commenters on this board. I’m on the east coast and am desperately trying to find some red chile powder online that isn’t from walmart and doesn’t come in a Ziplock bag.

    I only need to do this every few years or so and the past options don’t appear to be available. Options you can share?

    1. I’m not from New Mexico, so I’m probably missing nuances here, but I would look at Penzey’s, the Spice House, and Burlap and Barrel. I’ve been happy with spices from all of these places, and they all sell at least some sizes in glass jars.

      1. THANK YOU! The Made in New Mexico store was NOT popping up on my google search, weirdly.

    3. Also not from NM, but Rancho Gordo, who I trust on quality of product and good customer service, sells some in 2 oz jars.

    4. Bueno Foods. buenofoods dot com. Also, El Pinto restaurant is a good shipper of jarred chiles and salsas. Or, there is a store in Albuquerque that does really good shipping. I have successfully had them ship chile ristras. It is called Chile Addict. Chile addict dot com.

  7. I’m having a career crisis. I’m a staff counsel attorney in a non prestigious practice at an insurer. I mostly liked my job but things are shifting in my current gig after I jumped two years ago. It’s Deja vu from the last place and I am so done. I can feel in my bones that I just can’t do this forever, with tiny raises and micro managing and zero prestige.

    I constantly feel like I’m selling myself short, settling for such a small job and career. I’m already in my mid forties. Is there any way out of this? do I hire a career coach? Is that even a thing for low achieving professionals? Or am I just worthless after having a less prestigious career?

    My law degree can from a good if not great school, I did reasonably well there. I just settled into this for the lifestyle and now that my youngest is in kindergarten I’m ready to do something else.

    1. At some point you have to stop jumping around and settle in and make your situation better. Tired of small raises? Stop being an associate and start doing what it takes to make partner. You will never advance if you keep jumping every couple of years. Advancement takes time and investment.

      1. By way of background I spent 13 years in my previous position. My title and salary changed twice but no major promotions.

          1. Nothing. I work in low dollar insurance defense when my client and employer is sued by fraudulent medical care providers and medical equipment companies. People on the plaintiffs side turn up missing fingers, drown in the bay, and go to jail on rico charges. All of which to say, plaintiffs work isn’t an option I’m pursuing.

    3. How is the money?

      All of us have to let go of our most unrealistic ambitions and embrace reality at some point. But that doesn’t mean embracing misery.

    4. I’d look at a career coach that has experience in law. Also, look at what government or nonprofit jobs.

    5. I’m kind of intrigued by the use of prestige here. Is it more about you and not liking the work or about what other people think about it?

      1. It’s not about my ego except for I wonder that people will think I’m incapable of anything else because it’s not seen as sophisticated work.

      2. This caught my eye, too. In law there are lots of prestigious yet lower-paying jobs (high-profile nonprofits, government roles) and plenty of high-paying, non prestigious jobs (my go-to example is insurance, though not your role apparently). Why is prestige important to you?

        To your actual question, no, of course it’s not too late to change gears. The answer is networking, which is extremely time intensive, but truly the best way to get a job right now in general, and certainly if you’re trying to make a leap to a different practice area or level. Start making coffee dates with the lawyers in your network and ask them to connect you to other people you might talk to. It takes a long time but this is how I have gotten every job I’ve ever gotten that wasn’t a regular grade/step promotion. You need a better sense of what you’re looking for though than just something-that-doesn’t-feel-small.

        I agree that (state) government might be a good stepping stone, but it’s not going to be well paid or prestigious to start.

    6. It would help if you would tell us a bit more about your job. I take it you’re not doing corporate work, more like in-house ID.

      If you want more money, jump to the plaintiff’s side.

  8. Does anyone have a Sienna with the slots / rails in the back to adjust the second row of seats? I vetoed this with younger kids because I just imagine how encrusted they’d get — crumbs, diaper blowouts, vomit. I went with an Odyssey then. 15 years later, even the Odyssey has the slot / rail adjustments, and the Sienna has an AWD hybrid. If you have the Sienna in AWD, do you love it? Do you just put other mats over the rails (now it’s mud and dog hair and still some snacks) that you can easily clean? I’m glad they still offer a spare tire when that feature is getting hard to find.

    My prior recollection is that the Odyssey felt like more of a driver’s care and the Sienna felt plusher for the passengers but was a very mushy feeling driving experience. I envision needing a giant hauler for 6ish more years.

    1. I loooove my AWD Sienna, and the fact that it’s a hybrid. I’m such a huge fan of this car, I could tell everyone. We do have the rails and honestly I’ve not noticed any issues. We do get it vacuumed out like once a month. I have a 3 and 5 year old, and we’ve had the car since 3 yo was 2 months old.
      Also, test drive the Sienna, even my husband who’s very particular with cars, loves driving it. It’s a very nice ride. And truly the AWD/Hybrid part really seals the deal.

    2. I have read your question like three times, and I’m laughing bc it literally never would have occurred to me not to buy a car bc of rails in the back. I know exactly what you are talking about, but I never even considered not buying a car bc of it :) I’ll now think of you any time I go buy a car.

      But also, I would just go drive them and see. I had picked out the best car for our family, and went to test drive/hated it. I would just go find the one YOU are most comfortable in, and not worry about the rest.

      1. IDK where people live but we can’t even test drive cars like this because they arrive pre-sold and what on the lot to drive are the worst trim lines (like what is in a rental fleet that often are not the best representation of what the car you want will be like). It is very frustrating.

        1. We had this problem when we bought a car two years ago. We were interested in a hybrid and all they had to test drive was the gas model, which is not at all the same. We ended up checking the inventory daily and calling up our preferred salesman when one finally did arrive that was not already sold. We rushed down to test drive it and bought it the same day.

        2. But the trim doesn’t impact the drive ability? I would drive what you want, and then pick out the trim you like.

          1. It does! I test drove the nicer version of my model and hated it- the driving features were distracting and I couldn’t stand the infotainment system. I would’ve abandoned that model if I didn’t get a chance to drive the mid level trim.

          3. Interesting!! I haven’t purchased a car for over 10 years, so this is fun to consider.

        3. CarMax! They usually have a good mix of cars to try and let you test drive without a salesperson. I’m very up front that I’m not buying just testing. Also, the last time I wanted to test drive I told the dealer I had 1 hr and had to get to the carpool line, they let me take the car to carpool.

    4. I have the odyssey and we love it EXCEPT that it is absolutely awful in snow. We don’t drive it in bad weather. If it will be your primary car in bad weather and you live in a snowy/icy area, get the sienna.

      We have an acura MDX that we take in the snow and ice and that is an absolute tank. I did lose control of it this winter and slid across and across a highway ( truly miraculously didn’t hit anyone or anything and recovered!) but for the next 4 miles there were FIFTEEN cars on the side of the road so I feel like that was an exception and the road should have been closed. In that weather my Odyssey for sure would have been wrecked.

      1. I have an AWD hybrid CRV and it makes me almost cry that Honda won’t make a minivan version like this. The CRV has been amazing on horrible mountain roads and I’d love it larger (but did not like the Pilot at all).

    5. IDK. I test-drove both and hated how the Sienna felt as a driver. I’m now on my second Ody, so clearly that’s where my loyalty lies!

      1. I am keeping the Ody because it’s paid for and only has 100K miles (I feel like that’s the break-in period), but with gas so expensive won’t buy another car that’s not a hybrid :(

    6. Grew up with an Odyssey, bought a hybrid AWD Sienna this year. I love them both. As a teenager, I worked at a car detailing place where we would vacuum cars out for people and the siennas were harder to clean, but it really only mattered significantly if the cars were really grimy – if you’re not giving your unattended toddlers frosties and chicken nuggets in the very back row, it’s a non-issue.

    7. If they’re on the floor, would Weather Tech floor mats cover them? I’m not familiar with these models, but I order nice floor mats every time I get a new (to me) vehicle and they’re worth every penny.

  9. This sweater definitely appeals to me. Reminds me of something I would have worn in the 90’s (I graduated high school in 94, college in 98). It would have been cotton or wool and the flower embroidered onto it.

    2. I knew this looked familiar! It reminds me of something Drew Barrymore wore in “Never Been Kissed”.

    3. RIP Sigrid Olsen. And all other natural fiber, decent quality clothing that could be purchased at a nice mall.

  10. Need to share something kind of exciting and I know there are other equestrians here!

    I am horse shopping (hunters) and my trainer found a really cute mare that is below my budget and has a lot of potential. This will be a project horse for me with the goal of selling in 12-18 months. She’s young and has a little bit of training but we can train her up properly. She jumps cute over tony jumps and is a good mover!

    We are trying to figure out schedules to go look at her/ride her. Of course there are more steps to get through before a successful purchase but it’s fun to be excited about a prospect!!

    Anyone else have something exciting or fun going on in their lives?!

    3. Good luck, I hope your trial ride goes well! And also all the other steps between that and actually buying her lol. Horse shopping is such a weird and specific experience.

      I primarily event but am dipping my toe into the hunter waters this year, partially in an attempt to fix some ongoing issues with getting handsy and overriding. We just did our first hunter rounds at a local show last weekend. Our warmup trip was quite theatrical since madame took exception to some unknown blade of grass or grain of sand, and then decided that she could not possibly change without flinging her body into some exciting shapes…but the brain came back online for our real trips and we somehow pinned in both over fences classes! She has a super cute, very correct jump but is not a hunter mover at all, so I was honestly shocked to pin since we were just there for the experience. So there’s a fun day in another corner of equestrian land.

      1. This one is not in Ocala currently, no. I am in the mid-Atlantic and we have only gotten prospects from this region so far!

  11. We’re in the preliminary stages of designing a 4-bedroom guest cottage/pool house with an architect. I’ve never owned a second home, much less a guest cottage at a second home, and I want to make sure we’re covering all our bases. Of course we’re relying on our architect for a lot of this, but figured I’d ask here as well. Whether you’ve owned one or have stayed in one, do you have any suggestions for must-haves in a guest house? Pet peeves or things that would just be nice extras? One thing that occurred to me this morning was to have the architect design custom (maybe even pocket-door type) baby gates at bottom and top of stairs for guests who are coming with babies/toddlers. TIA!

    1. Never enough towel racks. Need a washer dryer for all that pool stuff that will be wet.

      1. Yes we will definitely have a laundry room. Say more about towel racks. Do you mean in bathrooms or in the laundry room?

        1. Not the OP of this comment, but for me, it’s in the bathrooms. Let’s say a bathroom is serving two people. Are there towel racks for 4 wet towels? Generally not.

        2. In bathrooms. Also a robe hook by the shower so you don’t have to drip all over to get to your towel.

        3. Towel racks in the bathroom. Hooks in the laundry room. You won’t always have time to do laundry and you don’t want a wet towel sitting in the hamper for a week.

          If you’ll host multiple families consider a bunk room for the kids and a bathroom designed for multiple users (separate water closet, shower with a curtain, two sinks, mirror over a counter or vanity).

          Make the bedrooms equally desirable- similar size and en suite bathroom for all of them. Otherwise room assignments become political.

          1. You are in CA, yes? I think that this can work in a dry climate. I live in the SEUS and the bunched ends by the hook never dry. Can only imagine the crimes happening right now to dorm towels at our local colleges.

          2. agreed in humid climates, this does not work – the clumped-up part of the towel is still wet a day later! I like thin waffle towels, neatly hung on a bar by themselves (not a double decker bar where two towels are next to each other) best for being fully dry.

    2. We have a second home, and your set-up sounds DREAMY!

      This is super fun, so I’ll tell you what we’ve loved and wished for:

      1) En suite in each bedroom. I love this as a guest and as a host. We often end up hosting families who don’t know each other well, and I think everyone appreciates not having to share a bathroom with folks they don’t know well.

      2) Find a place out of primary living spaces for a bunk room (under the stairs, in the attic, or in a basement), even if you don’t have kids or only have one kid. Guests with kids have more room to spread out in their rooms if the kids have a place to gather, and they congregate in the room where the bunks are. If you have kids, they have a place for sleepovers. We will eventually turn our attic into a playroom/bunk room – with built in bunks along the walls, and an open area to play and congregate.

      3) Sound proof, sound proof, sound proof. For some reason, noise from the kitchen goes straight into our primary bedroom, and (sadly) vice versa. I’d love to not hear early riser guests get coffee in the morning. And we have to be mindful that noise from our room goes straight downstairs.

      4) a HUGE porch with lots of chairs/places to sit outside to watch the pool/read/spread out from inside.

      5) Don’t put down flooring that you will have to baby, especially if there is a pool or other water source. Our second home is on a lake, and I deeply appreciate that I don’t have a bunch or rules or have to internally cringe when guests walk in with wet feet or drop their wet towels or dogs are at the house. I guess to that end, since you are designing it, have a great drop space with washer/dryer and TONS of places to hang towels when guests walk into the house. I’d kill for a mud room set up, with cubbies with hooks and an erasable name over the cubby. Each guest could hang their towel in their cubby for the duration of the stay, rather than hanging in their room or you having to wash one million loads bc no one keeps track of their towel.

      This is fun! I’ll think of more…

      1. Other fun things I’d add if money was no object :)

        1) Multiple appliances – dishwashers, ovens, and fridges, ideally that are close to each other. We end up using a sun room as spillover for food storage, and it isn’t ideal.

        2) door from kitchen with access to a grill and outdoor dining area.

        3) Two washers/dryers :)

    4. For a pool house, outdoor access straight into a restroom that can handle getting completely hosed down.

      1. +1million to this- having a wet room bathroom for coming out of the pool saves so much misery.

    5. -real laundry space + racks for drying non-dryer stuff (swimwear)
      -never enough hooks and towel racks in the bathroom
      -the best bathroom exhaust fans money can buy
      -good wifi everywhere
      -perhaps counterintuitive, but appliances that are *no-brainers* to operate. This is not the place for super-high-end “the buttons appear when you wave at this corner of the dishwasher” choices.

    6. Who will be the guests? Are you going to be in the primary building with friends/family staying in the guest house or will you be doing something like renting the guest cottage to strangers while staying in the primary?

    7. We just moved into our house that we designed with an architect. Things we did that are nice to have: heated floor in the primary bath, a laundry chute from second floor that drops down right outside the laundry room (hidden in hallway built-ins), large garage sink for muddy things, a mud room with an under-counter area sized to fit a dog crate, and a second dishwasher.

      Make sure you’re leaving room in your budget for window treatments after construction is done – they are $$$ but really affect the final look.

      I wish we did built-in hampers in the closet and put more outlets in closets for charging things. Look at “This Oak House” on instagram – it’s Nancy Myer’s daughter’s account all about renovating her historic home in LA and has TONS of great ideas and tips.

      Finally pay attention to window locations – if you’re doing built in shelves/cabinets on the wall perpendicular to a window, center the window on the wall based on the edge of the future shelf, not the actual wall corner. We have one window that looks off center because we forgot to do this and it makes me a little crazy.

        2. Ha, the only thing I have ever used a laundry shoot for is crawling up and down them as a kid.

        3. Aren’t laundry chutes generally against modern day building codes due to how they basically act as a freeway for house fires?

      2. We have and love a laundry chute; my tip is to add a door to it from the first floor. I use it all the time for kitchen towels, which in my last place languished on the floor of my kitchen until someone got around to taking them to be washed.

    8. Get one or more of those gorilla lines that live in the wall but can be pulled out for a drying rack.

      Large sink. Maybe do different showers in different rooms (rain shower, jet, etc) to allow people to try different things? Towel warmers. Outlets near the beds that are free for guests. Washer/dryer somewhere nice and not scary like basement with perilous stairs. Possibly a bidet? Outdoor shower?

      You may want to think about disability accommodations if you think grandparents might come. Showers and pool easy to get into.

      2. If your guests will use life jackets install a heavy duty rod where they can hang dry. Ideally over a tile floor with a drain.

    9. Even if you don’t add a kitchenette, make sure there’s a coffee station. Counter space for a Keurig or Nespresso, tiny sink, small fridge under the counter for creamers. Cupboard for mugs. My cousin’s house has this in the guest wing and it’s blissful to be able to make and drink a cup of coffee before going to the kitchen to face the family over breakfast.

      1. Thanks! Yes there will be a full kitchen (albeit a small one). Not sure if it will have an oven/stove (due to zoning) but will definitely have a large fridge, microwave and coffee maker.

        1. An ice machine in that kitchen is a bonus. A drinks fridge or fridge drawer that can be stocked with drinks. Dishwasher for washing all the mugs/glasses that accumulate.

          Ample empty countertop or shelf space in the bathrooms to spread out toiletries and all the stuff.

          Hooks behind each bedroom door, on each bathroom door, and next to each shower.

          A small living space or TV snug off to the side somewhere, where someone can go who needs a bit of quiet.

          The plainest light switch set-up possible (the amount of time I’ve spent trying to find the light switch for _____!).

        2. If there isn’t going to be a real oven, then plenty of counter space for a toaster oven or similar appliances would be great.

    10. With the caveat that we renovated an existing second home, I spent less on structural features and instead invested in making the guest rooms lovely. Good beds, mattresses, sheets, pillows. I leave a nice candle in there, carafe of water, fresh flowers, coffee station. That kind of thing – basically I made boutique hotel rooms. Never had a complaint ;)

    11. OP here. Thank you for all the great ideas! We will definitely have en-suite bathrooms for every bedroom, a bunk room, laundry on first floor, a first-floor suite for aging parents or anyone who can’t do stairs, lots of hooks/racks in bathrooms and laundry room (maybe pull-down racks in laundry room). Will consider multiple fridges/dishwashers if we have space (though we do not plan on people really cooking full meals there, so maybe 1 fridge and 1 under-counter beverage fridge/ice maker), and we do have a mudroom planned so will consider the cubby idea. Need to work on how to make the powder room directly accessible from pool so that people (who may or may not be staying in guest house) aren’t going through house to use bathroom or to change.

  12. Any advice on how to approach this?

    I am a very new manager to a report who is new to her role. She is an internal promotion, very curious and interested in learning all that she can about our work, which I do not want to discourage. However, she asks a LOT of questions, sometimes so many and so often that I struggle to focus on my own work. These are good questions, and they are about internal processes or background information that I cannot direct her to look up on her own, nor can I anticipate all of her questions when we first approach a project. Much of the time she does need a response in order to move forward. I do not want to hold up her ability to do her work, but I do need to do my own job and not just be her full-time teacher. We have regular check-ins and she will save up more involved queries for those meetings, but there are still so many little questions that I feel like I am becoming her personal office wiki. How can I better balance this?

    1. Clearly she wasn’t provided with adequate training and documentation. That is your responsibility to provide.

    3. Two thoughts:
      – ask her to batch even these little questions – she could send you an email once or twice a day, depending
      – as she’s gathering answers to her questions, have her put together SOPs, an onboarding guide, etc so you don’t have to do this again :)

      1. +1 both of these things, they were exactly my suggestions.

        The second thing is really useful to ask new people to do, since writing it out reinforces their understanding, you can review it so that you know they actually understood what you told them, and it’s helpful for the next person.

    4. The most effective way a senior partner helped me with this was by asking “can you walk me through what resources you’ve looked at so far?” And then “what do you think our next step should be?” Making her talk about her process like that sharpens her judgment and her research skills.

      1. Ha, I have done this as a manager and it was my kind (passive aggressive?) way of telling my report that she needed to do more self-help and not bring me questions she hadn’t sufficiently tried finding the answers to by herself!

        1. This person did this with all first year associates from day 1, or I would’ve thought it was passive aggressive, too! He was pretty explicit during the group orientation about us getting a “breaking in period” where he would engage with this sort of stuff, after which I promise he would’ve told us we were asking questions we should be able to answer ourselves! It’s very helpful in the short term, though.

    5. It sounds like this is a problem that can’t last forever, but also it sounds like the answers need to be better documented so that they can be looked up in the future?

      If you don’t have time to answer and she needs a response to move forward, then you may need to be comfortable with her not moving forward, or she may need something else to do when she’s waiting on an answer.

    6. Normally I would encourage you to encourage her to try to find the answers herself, but it sounds like that is legitimately not something she can do. I’ve been in your direct report’s shoes and you just need to be her office wiki until she’s up to speed. How else can she learn what she needs to learn to do her work? It’s totally reasonable and necessary for her to turn to you for background info. In addition to regular check ins, can you offer “office hours” on a daily basis so that questions are corralled and it doesn’t interrupt your focus as much?

    7. Have her develop documentation. You can give her other people to consult to help with this, but if you’re the only person who can answer these questions it seems like documentation is a critical need.

    8. Block time on your calendar when you aren’t available. Go somewhere else to work if you need to. Tell your secretary to say you’re in a meeting.

    9. How much emphasis are you putting on her doing the job the exact way you would do it? If she’s free to accomplish tasks however she sees fit, within reason, she won’t ask so many questions. If you expect (or dare I say require) her to do things exactly as you would do them, yes, she’s going to ask a ton of questions to make sure she doesn’t make “mistakes”.

    10. Set up a 15-minute checkpoint with her a few times a week to batch the little questions? Honestly, I’d be grateful to have this ‘problem’ with a new hire – the fact that they are paying attention to getting the context and undocumentable advice right (like office politics or budget plays a role, etc?) is great.

      1. This is sort of what I was thinking (that I’d rather have this problem than the opposite problem!).

    11. Does she have peers she can ask? I would distribute responsibility for onboarding, especially because as the manager, you don’t always know exactly how your team does certain things.

    12. Are the questions that don’t block her progress things that she (mistakenly) thinks are a blocker to progress; or are they “above & beyond” type things she’s asking bc she wants to grow?

      Different problems with different solutions :)

  13. My academic department is hosting a symposium with guest speakers on Friday, which obviously I have to attend. I also have to go to the dinner for the speakers on Thursday night.

    Planned outfits:
    1. Black silk shell and black pants with a colorful silk dupioni overshirt and flats or boots, depending on weather.
    2. Dark green blazer and tonal green top with black pants and the same shoes.

    Which do I wear to which event?

    1. what academic discipline are you in? I ask because I am a tenured humanities prof at a SLAC and these are fancier than I would wear (not bad! they sound cute!). I would wear the black shell and overshirt to dinner and the blazer and top to the symposium itself.

      1. Yeah, I’m in STEM and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone in my department wear a blazer, except the occasional person interviewing. I wouldn’t dress any different for a symposium than I normally do, unless this was really a big deal with big money donors or something?

        1. This makes me a bit sad. Marie Curie was my childhood hero and I have thought about floating around in long-skirted dresses if I ever went the professor route.

          1. I definitely see more long skirts or dresses than blazers. But my point to OP was more that, unless you’re speaking at the symposium or you’re meeting with someone who might give you a significant amount of money, I’d probably just wear whatever you wear on a normal day where you teach, which obviously varies from field to field and also geographically.

        1. Wait, I missed the overshirt. I’d have to see the outfit, but that may not be reasonable for a law professor event.

    2. Option 2.

      The overshirt outfit sounds like something my local librarian would wear at the checkout desk, not like symposium attire.

    3. Hello from a fellow academic. Wear the colorful overshirt to dinner (a more social occasion) and the blazer to the symposium.

    4. given these choices I would probably go with the silk shirt for dinner (trusting that you know your audience; that would stand out in a bad way for lawyers!) and the blazer for the symposium.

    5. Outfit 2 for the symposium unless you are in a discipline where quirkiness enhances legitimacy, in which case outfit 1. Outfit 1 or similar is fine for the dinner if you are the sort of person who wears overshirts.

      1. “where quirkiness enhances legitimacy” is SUCH a perfect description of certain corners of academia yesss

  14. Are there any tricks for facial expressions, angle, etc. in photos? I suddenly find myself in a position where I am being photographed a lot for public-facing materials. I look absolutely terrible in all the photos–squinty eyes, forced smile, etc. Even professional photographers seem to give very little guidance on facial expressions or angles. What can I do so I look like myself in photos?

    1. as tyra banks said on Americas next top model, it takes practice. if you have a supportive and patient friend i would ask them to spend an hour with you, take a lot of pictures and experiment.

    2. My smile always looks better in photos if I put my tongue up so that it touches the roof of my mouth.

      2. Did you know your tongue is ALWAYS supposed to touch the top of your mouth? This is a recent learning from my myofunctiomal specialist. No one taught me this as a kid and it REALLY effed up my mouth.

    3. Following along. My last headshot was horrible; the photographer snapped while I was stifling a cough. I had to fight HR to get a retake that did not make me look like I was preparing to vomit.

    4. Check out @thechristinebuzan. She gives lots of little tips, but the one that’s helped me the most is to pretend I’m saying “hey” before a photo is taken. It pretty consistently gets my mouth in what looks like a normal, friendly position without too much fuss.

      2. +1 I also like @iamerinblackwell on instagram. She is a photographer and does a lot of professional shoots and always has lots of great tips for posing for pictures.

    5. The biggest difference in how my pictures turn out is whether my smile is in my eyes. If it’s not, then I look terrible – dead and forced. Forcing my eyes to sparkle with my smile is a challenge sometimes too, but it makes a huge difference if I can. Honestly, it’s why the pics where I’m actually having fun turn out so much better than those that are obligatory.

  15. My 13 yo (8th grade) is starting to have interest in boys and vice versa. What ground rules do you have for your kids and the opposite sex? I’ve told her that if she’s going to a friend’s house and there will be boys there, then I need to be in contact with a parent host. (I don’t know all her friends’ parents because she recently changed her social circle after some drama.). What other rules should I be thinking of? I’m not even sure 8th grade is old enough to “date”?

    1. In eighth grade “dating” usually means sitting together during large group hangouts or outings.

      No hanging out alone in a room with a boy, at home or anywhere else.

      1. This seems extreme. No hanging in a house without parents or going into the bedroom is fair. But it’s normal to be alone with a boy at that age. Trying to ban that will just teach your teenager to lie or sneak around.

        1. I wasn’t allowed to be alone with boys I wasn’t related to at 13, and neither were any of my friends. None of us got pregnant.

    2. Your biggest danger is on snapchat after bedtime goes to bed. The kids have all kinds of conversations instead of sleeping. Limit her phone use as much as you can.

    3. I come from a religious background where the general rule is not to date until 16 and start with group dates. I honestly think it’s a fantastic rule of thumb – figure yourself out first before defining yourself romantically, then learn in group settings about appropriate behavior in a romantic context, as well as practice planning and executing a date with support from your friends. I’ve currently got little boys, so can’t speak to enforcing it, but I think it’s a similar approach to encouraging vegetables before ice cream – some kids need a soft touch, some kids need firmer boundaries, you should avoid saying it’s “bad” altogether but emphasize they’re are other good things you need to fit in first.

      1. 16 is pretty old. So not even a group date until late high school? In this day and age, that is super unrealistic.

  16. as tyra banks said on Americas next top model, it takes practice. if you have a supportive and patient friend i would ask them to spend an hour with you, take a lot of pictures and experiment.

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