Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Knit Trim V-Neck Blouse

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1. Hi ladies, what kinds of hobbies do you view as good ones to share as personal interests in professional contexts and which ones you would hesitate to reveal? Specific question below.

   In my case, I’m getting my applications together for Round 2 of MBA applications, and I’ve got a question on hobbies in the professional world overall. MBA applications seem to want to see your personal side, and I’m wondering whether I should include my interest in improv comedy (I’ve taken classes for over a year, performed in several (free) shows, etc). I am a very traditional candidate (Big 4 consultant) and my other “hobbies” are pretty bland (professional certifications, volunteer tutor, etc). Is this okay to share? I lean towards yes (many b-schools have started incorporating improv workshops actually), but I’m normally such a serious person (my co-workers would never imagine me doing improv) and wanted to check that instinct!

   1. I would say yes for bschool, no for a job.

   2. I’d say fine for both. There’s nothing potentially offensive to anyone about you doing improv. I struggle to think of a job where having a sense of humor and being able to speak in public is bad.

   3. I say yes for both, that’s really cool and definitely a good conversation starter!

      1. +1

         I agree.

         I’d I was your interviewer, I would never forget you because of this unique hobby.

         1. +1 – unique, cool, and will help you stand out. I’d be way more likely to interview you too.

   4. I’m in law, not business, but improv comedy would be a fine interest for either law school or a firm. I think many people recognize that improv comedy has professional benefits in terms of poise and public speaking ability. And even if it they don’t connect it to any professional gains, it’s just a fun side thing. I don’t see how it could be bad or offensive (unless you have really raunchy or politically incorrect stand-up routines on YouTube or something like that).

      1. +1. I’m an in-house attorney and I got my current gig after discussing my improv comedy training and teams during my interview. It’s a fun hobby that provides applicable real-world skills!

   5. Yes, and if you are applying to Tuck, there is an annual comedy show, so I would play this up.

      1. Also one at wharton

   6. Yes, but be prepared for someone to say “Tell me a joke”

   7. Agree with everyone else. I include tap dancing and it’s always a good conversation starter.

   8. Work at a large consulting firm, and review resumes for MBAs. Improv would be a great interest to list.

      The interest that are weird to include are usually things like weight-lifting, travel… and then listing 3-4 places, watching sports, personal finance, outdoors. Like, if it is either extremely common, very individual, or uncomfortably TMI, then don’t include.

2. Does anyone here have a Women’s group at their office? My large company does not but is thinking of starting a formal Women’s committee. They have asked for ideas and input. If you have on at your office, is it useful or helpful? If so, what kind of things did you find useful or helpful? Any specific topics, speakers, action items or policies?

   1. We have one at my firm. The events often end up being really demoralizing because everyone with kids is struggling so badly. Those without kids just see struggle in their future. There are very few who are past the young kid stage. Most don’t make it.

      People try to be real, but then they open with stories about how they had to travel for work and just got back into town. They share how their kids sobbed and chased after them down the driveway as the pulled out to go to the airport. Or how they just hired a second nanny to cover bedtime. I really have trouble making myself go to the events at this point. I know we need a network to support each other, but it’s hard.

      1. +1 I’ve found them demoralizing for the same reason. I also find that (at least in Big Law) they are super hateful to SAHMs, which makes me uncomfortable even though I have no plans to be a SAHM myself. One event I went to the speaker was talking about how her daughter cried endlessly when she missed some elementary school event but she said “I know it’s all worth it in the end, because unlike all those stay at home moms, my daughter will be tough and independent.” I thought that was super offensive to all the SAHMs who have raised tough and independent women and their daughters (including probably a sizeable number of women in the room, given how much less common working moms were in the 60s, 70s and 80s). I get that there are lots of challenges unique to being a working mom that SAHMs can’t relate to, and a little venting about how the world is generally geared toward SAHMs (like “argh parent-teacher conferences are at 10 am on a Tuesday! How am I supposed to deal with that?”) wouldn’t bother me, but the events were very, very “us v. them” and “working moms are the only good kind of moms” and that just made me sad and annoyed.

         1. I have a friend who is a SAHM, and there’s a lot of hate/disdain for moms who work from the SAHM side of things (not from my friend, she’s cool, but it comes up in conversation) – it can get especially nasty for women who are perceived as working to feed their own ego or bank account instead of out of “necessity,” which I imagine would include a lot of attorneys with working spouses.

            It seems like it’s partially to make themselves/their kids feel better about having less than other families (i.e. – “Well, Emma might have *insert kid luxury item here*, but her mom travels for business *all the time,* aren’t you so much happier to have mommy home to play with you and take you to karate?” which of course kids then repeat because kids are cluelessly mean), and partially just a fundamental disconnect with what (other than wanting more/better stuff and/or having a huge ego) would drive another mother to work when she “doesn’t have to.” Plus, the fact is, schools make a BIG EFFING DEAL out of parents who participate – lots of thank yous and “aren’t we so lucky Mrs. So-and-So is here to help with the bake sale? and special recognition-type stuff that can make a working mom who can’t do those things feel pretty flipping awful.

            In the face of all of that, I can understand (though obviously do not condone and would not participate in) the SAHM hate.

            Also, to answer the original question, “women’s group,” in my experience, always seems to turn into “moms’ group,” making it pretty much useless for child-free-by-choice folks and people for whom child-having is still a ways away. There’s lots of problematic gender stuff I’d like to learn to deal with that just don’t get covered because everything’s all about working while having kids (also, side note, this is how family issues end up getting perceived as “women’s issues” – because it’s all these groups ever end up talking about!)

            1. Oh, it absolutely comes from both sides (and I think on both sides the hate really comes from jealousy and insecurity – SAHMs are jealous they don’t have the independent career identity and the extra money and working moms are jealous that SAHMs can be at all these events, plus they get recognition for it as you noted) but I still find it icky and thought it was a totally inappropriate discussion for a workplace women’s group.

            2. Ha, I work part-time and I “have it all!” in terms of this stuff. We would have SO MUCH MORE MONEY if I was still at a firm (and it’s hard to see my friends who stuck it out at firms and are now partners, and they are buying the mansions, new cars, and have healthy savings cushions, etc.), but I still can’t participate at my kids’ school b/c my part-time hours are during the school day and I have far less flexibility than I did when I was at the firm. This doesn’t really contribute to the overall discussion, only to say that life is hard. Parenting, working, womaning, is hard.

            3. I do not disagree that it comes from both sides, but my sister was a SAHM for 8 years and her biggest complaint was that she was tasked with EVERYTHING because she did not have a “real job.” She was expected to be room mom, birthday mom, book fair mom, the coordinator for the the sports teams, and always be available to drive car pool or pick up other peoples’ kids – and she could not afford Starbucks because of the cut-backs they made in their lifestyle to allow her to stay home with their 3 kids. It would help if everyone would appreciate that people on both sides make sacrifices in the best interests of their own families and stopped with the competitive parenting.

         2. Working mom, former biglaw attorney and now in house at a company with a women’s committee. I think it’s more than fine for working moms to discuss the benefits of working– with other working moms. Our culture is still so skewed in favor of SAHMs and against working moms. Where I live (affluent So Cal suburb, not someplace conservative), it’s still considered the “good girl” thing to quit your job when you have your first kid and never go back. All the moms at school don’t work and have a tight knit school volunteer and tennis club society. All the guys at work have SAHMs for wives and say stuff like “I don’t do kid stuff- my wife does that.” So yes we have to be cheerleaders for ourselves and each other, and yes sometimes that may come out as slightly less than fully supportive of SAHMs. They really do still think everyone should do whatever works for them. But they’ve had it up to here with the subtle shade they get.

      2. This sounds like a mom’s group rather than a women’s group.

         1. Maybe they need a women’s group and a parent’s group and have the latter be for moms and dads.

      3. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this $27 blouse I can wear around the house and on Friday’s and weekend’s around my apartement. The manageing partner does NOT think it will be suitable for work so he will NOT pay for it.

         As for the OP, yes, we have a women’s group at our firm, but I am the onley partner, Madeline is a senior associate and we have a new female associate who joined last December who the manageing partner is groomeing to take over our new PI defense practise, tho she has ONLEY been admitted to the bar since May, and she is realy UNEXPEIRENCED as a counselor at law, even tho she is now duly admitted.

         I have been to busy to do alot of reading here, but will be in the office all day tomorrow catcheing up on my monthley billing’s so I will be able to spend some time goeing through all the p’osts. FOOEY on work! Best wishes to the rest of you who will be watching sport’s and baseball! YAY!!!

   2. Ime less-formal women’s groups are more helpful than a women’s committee. Here’s what I want to get out of a women’s group in the workplace: women-focused mentoring, a safe place to discuss issues that primarily or solely affect women (like how long should I take mat leave? or can we get a designated pumping room?), support and recommendations for women-focused activities (like networking events), and recognition from the company that women are important.

      If your women’s group is already doing those things, I fail to see what more a formal committee will do other than take up time. My last firm didn’t have a lot of women, didn’t particularly care about women’s issues, but liked the appearance of having a women’s committee. So all of the women in the firm got pressured to waste time participating in this useless committee. Of course our male counterparts were billing away while we were stuck in a conference room, so we got the pleasure of working longer hours to keep up. If I were going to participate in another women’s committee, I’d want to know that (a) that time is valued by the company; and (b) something good might come out of it. I don’t want to work longer hours just so the company can tout their women’s program on their website.

      1. This.

   3. I love ours. We never discuss work life balance. We have fun events and invite all of the firm’s female clients, and internal events where we develop closer relationships with each other. It’s explicitly designed to help women get more business.

      1. We have one of these, but MY clients are men and we are always left out. I think these are good and yet also very wide of the mark. First need to support women’s business development activities, even if their work comes from male clients (the client is actually an IT, a big corporation, the people who had out the work are men right now).

         1. I think the idea is that a lot of women clients/referral sources make a point of giving work to other women, so firms want to cater to that crowd specifically. Firms still have broader networking groups that include clients of all background.

            1. Ours doesn’t. It’s all ad-hoc and this is the only thing that has a budget and a big splash and I think it helps when clients see us with a firm backing us and not just our individual efforts.

               And b/c our events are female-only, they are ridiculous things (painting twice in a row and painting pottery before that). I would not waste my time on that and would never dream of taking a male client to that.

               Good events: golf lessons (helps all attendees with important work skill in the SE US), tennis clinic, shooting class (mid-south), very nice dinner (which we have done a very fun 1-hour CLE before on the laws of homebrewing), family-friendly events (large box for baseball game or Cubbies rooftop), etc.

               Female clients are too d*mn busy to waste time on ditsy events. All clients appreciate things they can bring kids to so they aren’t missing out on family time together (I may have gotten my biggest kudos for family events — Disney on Ice, Taylor Swift).

            2. Why is painting ridiculous or ditzy whereas a tennis clinic or shooting class is not? Big issue here that you appear to automatically see recreational activities that are more popular with women as silly and pointless but events that are more popular with men to be good and important.

               Dear god, golf is not an “important work skill.” I would be so unconformable/uninterested in a golf/tennis/shooting class, especially if there were men there. I agree that most of us would never dream of taking a male client to a painting class, but hey, that’s super gendered. But it’s ok to take women to male-dominated events because a) that helps women learn how to play by men’s rules and female = bad and male = good? That’s the message you’re sending. I resent the implication that I’ll be interested in an activity I’d otherwise never engage in just because it is predominantly male oriented and might help me network (lol at that idea anyways; and I’m in the SE US as well).

               The best events are gender neutral. Nice dinners. Home brewing class. Events (games, plays, concerts), especially where family can attend.

            3. Clients refuse to come to painting parties. They need to golf to keep up with the men’s BD events they go to. It’s like don’t hate the player, hate the game. Golf is an important skill here, take it or leave it. Overall, clients like for us to invest in them or to respect their time as a valued commodity and painting pottery IMO (and in their opinion) does not. 100% pinterest-y BD activities do not.

               If I were a client, I would hint that I’d really like the knitting-at-the-microbrewery night we have. And I’d bring all my underlings. Or I’d be happy with CLE credit.

            4. So, another thing with golf is that it’s actually really fun. And a great way to really get to know people and network. There’s a reason why lots of people do it. Assuming you have good weather, you are spending 3-5 hours outside in beautiful surroundings, doing a very low-impact physical activity, and having a couple of drinks essentially in isolation with three other participants. You can really get to know people at that sort of event. I understand that not everyone is athletic–and I’m only very minimally coordinated–but seriously don’t know it until you try it.

               The other beauty with golf is that as long as you achieve a very basic level of competence, NO ONE CARES if you’re good. Almost everyone is more focused on their own game and couldn’t care less if you play well. Especially the men.

            5. Don’t *knock it until you try it.

            6. I’m not trying to challenge your perception of what *your* clients like or saying they’re wrong for not wanting to come to a painting party. I’m saying your framing of the issue showed s*xist stereotyping. You did it again, calling it “pinterest-y” which basically just translates to “women like it and therefore it isn’t cool.”

               I’ve tried golf. Often. Don’t know why you’d assume I haven’t. I don’t like it. Even if I did, its not like I (and many other women, especially young women) get invited to golf events, which is the bigger problem.

            7. Client here. I don’t want to golf. I *might* come to your painting party, but probably not. Mostly I just want to go home. Drinks after a work thing is best. HTH

         2. My old firm was terrible at this, too. It had a far lower than (the already low) average of female partners. Seriously, we had 4 in the litigation department. None of them were associates at the firm and only 1 had kids. They had a women’s committee and it was so demoralizing and/or patronizing. We could invite only female clients, which seemed so silly. Yes, invite your female clients and show them that they are partnering with awesome women attorneys but also invite your clients because women attorneys can work with male clients and female clients. That never happened, though, because the events were so absurdly sleepover-party frivolous (jewelry show, purse show, makeup application lessons, etc.) Don’t get me wrong, I love jewelry and purses and makeup, but it was unprofessional. Also, as someone said above, the most awesome female clients I knew were superwomen, and unlikely to take time away from being GC, being an awesome mom, speaking at a CLE, and presenting before Congress(!) to come to a party to paint nails.

            This may be specific to law or maybe my firm. It would have been nice to see a ‘safe space’ in terms of mentorship among women but there were so few female partners that couldn’t keep up with the 45 female associates (and counting). Instead, we had no formal maternity leave policy (which meant that the only way to find out was to ask and how do you ask that in interviews if you graduated in the last 9 years), associates hiding pregnancies until 7 months for fear of subtle retaliation from all partners, partners calling associates to do work on unpaid maternity leave, and a demoralized and sad female workforce.

            1. My old firm invited me (as a client) to a women’s partner and client wine tasting event and I almost went. Timing was just not good and I was too lazy to drive there in traffic. Way better than a spa thing. God i don’t want to talk to lawyers while in a bathrobe!

   4. Check the Lean In website. Lots of advice on how to set up these kinds of groups.

      More structured events that are not focused on childcare issues will help avoid conversations moving in that direction. E.g. – networking/business building focus.

   5. This will out me so going anon. We have a huge women’s network, but our LGBT network is even bigger and is recognised by Stonewall and Pink News as the best in sector. (search “rainbow” and “breakthrough”)

      1. That search led me directly to . . . Pokemon cards!

         1. “LBG Breakthrough” would work

   6. We have one (Big Law) but I never go to the events. The internal meetings always end up being a massive whingefest about childcare responsibilities instead of being constructive and supportive, so there is little to be gained from them. The group also organises events with the intention that female lawyers invite female clients but they are always handbag shopping or fashion shows or otherwise stereotypical women’s activities which just exacerbates the general feeling among the male contingent that all women can do is shop and gossip.

      They mean well but the execution ends up alienating a lot of people (women as well as men).

      1. Yep. Same for my biglaw firm. The women’s events are ALWAYS shopping related or sometime even manicure/pedicure related. Sorry I don’t want personal hygiene related “social” events. I’m the only senior female associate in my very large department (everyone left long ago), so I do a ton of mentoring informally — male and female midlevels will stop by with questions and we’ll talk life, career etc. (if they want to – I don’t raise it). So I see the female partner who runs the womens committee at 8 pm in an elevator one night and she mentions yet another shopping type of event and how it’s SO important I come as a senior associate. I say — well I am doing more than my fair share of mentoring, which I enjoy, but sometimes that 45 min during the day means you’re going home even later. And she has the gall to say “well casual mentoring is fine but you REALLY should be taking these associates out.” It’s like it doesn’t “count” if you can’t check the box of buying lunch or going to a “female” centric event. At that point I was done with the womens committee and decided to just continue the mentoring for which I get really good 360 reviews from associates.

      2. +2 All my Big Law women’s group ever did was shopping, mani/pedis, and Dry Bar parties. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy all of those things, but could it BE any more stereotypical?

      3. At my biglaw committee, there was once a suggestion made that it would be “useful” to have an event where we can get a basic golf lesson; as well as an event where we can “talk” sports. Doesn’t mean a man would have to come in to explain football to the ladies, but a few women were really into college football; 1-2 played college basketball etc. so it would be cool to hear from them to explain the basics, standings/rankings, team loyalties etc. to those of us who don’t watch games regularly so we’d feel more “confident” participating when that topic came up with clients rather than thinking, hmm don’t want to say anything, are the Yankees doing well this yr or not?! Is this guy more likely to be an SEC football fan or is that only if you live in the south etc.?

         Of course both of those suggestions were shot down by the women who run the women’s committee bc they weren’t appropriately “fun.” Not sure what’s so fun about handbag shopping or makeup and I surely have ZERO chance of that coming up with any of my hedge fund clients, yet — did you watch that game, comes up often.

         1. Jesus, this is pretty depressing to me. I just flashed back to my crappy Girl Scouts group where I wanted to do all the cool stuff the scouts on the cookie boxes were doing: sports, camping, actually helping people. Those kinds of ideas always got shot down in favor of clothes, nails, and hair. I guess I thought people would be beyond that by adulthood? But I wonder if some of the women in your women’s group saw it as an opportunity to socialize with each other and relax instead of a professional/business development thing.

            1. Right but the point of these groups is not to do what YOU are interested in. It is to help womens professional development generality. Reality at my firm is that most of the clients are in the financial services space — which means you interact with male GCs, who in fact DO watch football and other sports. I’ve seen it happen time and time again — it’s the beginning/end of a meeting, the male GC mentions a game he watched/went to that weekend, and if you can participate — even surface level — you are included in the convo and it ‘ups’ the level of respect and if you can’t participate, you are quietly standing there ignored. I’m not suggesting this matters if you’re the world’s expert on tax law bc they’ll ignore that you don’t know a football from a pumpkin bc of your credentials. But I’m talking when you are just another 6th yr litigator in the room and they have no interest in getting to know you. Sometimes being able to say — oh yeah I saw the last quarter of that Penn State Ohio State game this weekend, was not expecting that blocked kick — is the difference between the GC thinking you’re awesome and reaching out to you directly for work vs. you’re just another wallflower that the partner brings to take notes. And let’s be honest males win out on these conversations bc they actually watch sports enough to be able to talk.

               And no it doesn’t have to be condescending. Why can’t a women’s committee host a Monday Night Football watch party — you eat, drink, talk, and those who are super interested watch closely. I don’t see it as any more condescending than a shopping event where some snotty personal shopper is telling you how to flatter your curves.

            2. I am not a sports-watching girl at all (for most televised sports; I do love live sports, but that’s b/c I am playing or drinking beer and yelling), but I do love the WSJ sports coverage. It makes it so much more interesting and has intersting tidbits about people/sports/players:

               — Alice Cooper has a crazy golf handicap (like below 10)
               — Larry Fitzgerald Jr.’s dad was a sports writer and his grandfather was an eye doctor
               — the Redskins QB drives a GMC Savannah van that he got from his grandparents
               — some other NFL guy can change a transmission b/c his dad has a garage

               Totally interesting to me and makes me a better sports-talker (and gave me some way to care about it). My clients are 99% guys, so very important to me.

            3. Meant to post this further down in response to those saying it’s condescending or uninteresting to do sports stuff.

            4. Anon @ 11:35: sports is one of those things that’s really easy to learn about and consume. If you want to figure out how to have a conversation about your local football team, just read the sports section of your newspaper. That’s it. I think it’s similarly condescending to have a woman’s group meeting where a personal shopper tells professional women how to dress to “flatter their curves,” as you put it. Or to have an event where you go to a jewelry store and look at and try on diamonds. The whole thing is silly and condescending.

               How about, instead of having pseudo-“experts” come in and teach people how to be a normal person engaged with the world around them, you just have genuinely interesting topical conversations with industry experts? Or bring in a hot new chef to cater a dinner with wine pairings, while you talk to your colleagues and clients? Or visit a new exhibit at a museum with a guided tour, followed by cocktails and mingling?

         2. I don’t know, I feel like it would be pretty weird and condescending to have a couple of people explain how sports work to a group of professionals.

            1. Agreed. I don’t know anything about football because I dislike football. If I wanted to learn, I would do so. It’s not something I have any interest in doing with my free time.

      4. This was how my former biglaw firm was too. No, I don’t care to go to an expensive jewelry show or have a “spa day” with associates/clients while the men golf.

   7. I’ve been in a few. The best had:
      – Networking/mentoring. One of my favorites matches every woman up with a VP-level or higher MALE mentor, as well as a female mentor. It was an awesome way to actively combat the “old boys club” in that industry.
      – Book clubs or discussion groups with strong leaders who led the discussion AWAY from typical childcare gripes, and who made an effort to include 2-3 senior level officers, male and female. Not so many to feel intimidating, but it was important to have them hear and act on the discussions. That company designated two pregnant-woman parking spaces specifically because of an article discussion.
      – Tangible actions come out of the Committee/Group. If the group can point to benefits (beyond a quarterly mani/pedi visit) for women that have arisen because of the group, you’re more likely to have active participation. One Group picked a process each quarter and formed a Committee to investigate and recommend changes that would drive diversity. Entry-level women were clamoring to get on those Committees, because it ended with a presentation/dialogue with senior leaders and almost always led to a project and a budget to implement the recommendations. Senior leaders loved the projects, because they found super-stars to mentor and also got relatively “free” diversity benefits every 3 months. Morale and participation was incredibly high in that group and that company.

      1. I would love to know what kind of tangible changes people recommended.

         1. Some were fairly straightforward, like recruiting at college/area events specifically geared to women and minorities, and expanding holiday celebrations to other cultures. Others were family-friendly, like a formal flexible work policy and better adoption of telecommunication technologies. Some were meatier, like changing the succession planning process, analyzing salaries for gender and minority disparities, and even doing unconscious-bias-training for management.

            I personally sponsored two – one on negotiation training and one on creating/publicizing a salary band rubric . They both were ways to get to the same idea – that all employees benefit when they feel responsible for their own salary. When they could research their position in a salary band, compare themselves to the competency model for their role, and then prepare for and effectively negotiate a new raise, all parties felt happier with the end results. The teams made sure to build in high-level metrics to ensure negotiations didn’t skew to a certain demographic.

            These may seem fairly obvious, but there’s a reason most companies haven’t already implemented these well. (And I’d say some of ours needed refreshing too.) And while the results benefit all employees, the project teams are almost always all-woman. The women develop a close peer network and get fantastic exposure to senior leadership, plus develop resume-worthy transferable skills. It’s a pretty great program that I wish I could implement at my current company. (Alas, the corporate culture has quite a way to go before something like this would be succesful.)

         2. Some were fairly straightforward, like recruiting at college/area events specifically geared to women and minorities, and expanding holiday celebrations to other cultures. Others were family-friendly, like a formal flexible work policy and better adoption of telecommunication technologies. Some were meatier, like changing the succession planning process, analyzing salaries for gender and minority disparities, and even doing unconscious-bias-training for management.

            I personally sponsored two – one on negotiation training and one on creating/publicizing a salary band rubric . They both were ways to get to the same idea – that all employees benefit when they feel responsible for their own salary. When they could research their position in a salary band, compare themselves to the competency model for their role, and then prepare for and effectively negotiate a new raise, all parties felt happier with the end results. The teams made sure to build in high-level metrics to ensure negotiations didn’t skew to a certain demographic.

            These may seem fairly obvious, but there’s a reason most companies haven’t already implemented these well. (And I’d say some of ours needed refreshing too.) And while the results benefit all employees, the project teams are almost always all-woman. The women develop a close peer network and get fantastic exposure to senior leadership, plus develop resume-worthy transferable skills. It’s a pretty great program that I wish I could implement at my current company. (Alas, the corporate culture has quite a way to go before something like this would be successful.)

   8. We had one when I worked in Biglaw. Some parts of it I liked – the social events were fun and not very gender-specific (trivia nights, wine tasting, etc.). To me, that part of it was cool because it was sort of our own version of the old boys’ club “gold course.” But I didn’t like that nearly all of the discussions/panels/outside speakers they had focused on work-life balance, and were directed only at the women of the firm. I truly believe that women will never be really equal in the workplace if the message of work/life balance is only targeted at us. Moreover, that left little room for discussion of other serious problems, like gender discrimination, sexual harassment, or overcoming biased perceptions of women in the workplace. There were some productive discussions about strategies for client development, but that’s about it.

   9. My prior biglaw firm started one while I was there. We had a women’s breakfast catered in about once every month or two. I found it not to be helpful because when we asked the legitimate questions about gender inequality at our firm (i.e. why are there no female partners in X group), the response we received was: “Well, it is so much better now than it was twenty years ago!” Not helpful. It was not a safe environment to ask and receive realistic answers to the real problems many of us faced (how to handle the fellow associate who would pop into your office to say, “hey, you look beautiful today.”) I think informal mentoring would have been more helpful, but the place was such a misogynist office that all but two of the female associates who were there over my five years have bailed.

   10. Here is a good story: Not biglaw, but bigcorp here. The women’s group at my company initiated a paid parental leave discussion/review which ultimately resulted in a great paid parental leave program that will go into place on 4/1 of next year.

       It helped that the head of the women’s group is an executive, and she championed the program. I am past having kids, but super excited for the younger women at my office to have it better and easier then I did!

   11. We have a women’s networking group and I don’t find it to be particularly helpful from a career development perspective. I appreciate that it has offered me additional volunteer opportunities that I might not have come across otherwise, but the one time I volunteered to help with an event it created far more work for me than provided benefit. I am cynical and jaded and find that for the most part, it’s to tout that we have these groups and look good externally. I don’t think our company does a great job of promoting women into the C-suite outside of what could be considered typical areas – HR and marketing.

       The most helpful thing I have done here outside of great work is join up to be a digital mentor. I was paired with the VP of HR for our BU in the corporate office and he is awesome. It’s a two-way mentoring street and he has provided me tons of valuable information from the HR side and I have gone out and learned what he needed to know on the digital side.

3. I need a small gift for my husband for a professional victory of his. Needs to be something I can get on Amazon for preferably $30 or less. He’s not really a guy who likes a lot of stuff and is hard to shop for. Mid 20s, loves to read but has little time to do so. Also loves to travel and is starting at a professional school next year. Any ideas?

   1. Audible subscription? I know it was a game-changer for me, I love to read but didn’t have the time, and now I can listen to books while I am commuting or walking the dogs.

      1. Great idea.

   2. O3 Design Studio coasters of a city that has special meaning for him – maybe somewhere you travelled together.

4. I’m looking for an anti-aging moisturizer with antioxidants and such that also is non-comedogenic so as to not irritate my acne-prone skin. I tend toward frugality but don’t mind paying for a product that’s totally worth it.

   1. Neutrogena Healthy Skin.

   2. I use retinol prescribed by my derm. It’s expensive but a tube lasts >1 yr and I can reimburse myself w/ HSA $$.

      1. Tretinoin is the generic version of this, covered by my insurance and about a million times more effective than any over the counter retinol!

   3. Cerave or cetaphil.

      1. I have cetaphil now, actually. Is it good for anti-aging? I thought it was just a really good basic moisturizer that doesn’t cause my acne to flare up.

         1. The key for anti-aging is SPF. Are you doing that?

            Sunglasses, don’t smoke, sleep, eat decently. Exfoliate.

            If you have acne, see a derm and start a prescription retinol.

            My SPF 30 Cerave has some anti-oxidants, but the data for these is poor. Focus on the known benefits.

   4. Paula’s Choice is my go to. Works for my acne and wrinkles, with my cleanser being cetaphil.

5. I do alumni interviews for my Top 10 business school. Yes absolutely, highlight your improve experience – the classes & shows. Demonstrates willingness to learn a new skill, good social skills, communication skills, etc. It would help you stand out.

   1. Sorry, meant for Round 2 applicant above.

      1. Thanks Anonymous! Useful feedback.

6. I belly dance. I would definitely refrain from mentioning that in professional situations. Thoughts?

   1. I wouldn’t share. It sounds sexual even though it isn’t.

      1. This. I have a family member who belly dances and every time I mention it men act like I’ve just said she’s a stripper.

         1. That’s honestly shocking. I would think of it like zumba. Maybe referring to it as a “dance class” instead of specifically belly dancing would avoid this sort of reaction?

            1. How is this shocking?

            2. As someone who knows very little about both kinds of dance/exercise, I definitely have the impression that belly dancing is way more s*xual and provocative than Zumba. May not be fair or consistent with the actual origins of the dance, but the impression in the West is that belly dancing is a s*xual thing and Zumba is a workout class.

      2. The vibe is different — other ethnic-sorts of dancing (Irish, Indian) are seen as cultural hobbies. Not fair, but probably information shared at a cost.

   2. I do a belly dancing class at the local Y. It incorporates zumba and Irish step dancing, too, and some of the participants are older ladies. I’ve never thought of it as provocative.

   3. Can you say “[insert country of origin] folk (or traditional) dance” instead? Because isn’t that what it really is?

7. Meh. My boss knows I belly dance. She thinks it’s cool.

   1. She….. and she knows you and the quality of your work already.

      I belly dance too.

      It’s hard enough trying to be respected in the workplace. The last thing you want is your male colleagues thinking about you dressed/dancing like the last belly dancer they saw in a movie… and to discuss that among themselves.

      Because they do.

      1. So true. I perform burlesque. Under a fake name. And tell nobody I’m even remotely professionally connected to. I’m not embarrassed, but I know exactly what people would think.

8. I would like to give a big huge cheers to all of the NY Bar exam passers! CONGRATS, Ladies!

   1. Thank you! IT FEELS GREAT.

9. My husband hit me. We’ve been married for ten years, and nothing prepared me for this. He has always been the kindest, sweetest, most supportive person.

   He was sick this morning, but insisted on coming on a walk with the dog with me. He was grumpy, but okay, then he said something really rude.

   I rolled my eyes and swatted him with the ribbon of my key lanyard–I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I really meant to just playfully swat him–it’s just a ribbon.

   He turned and hit my arm, hard. Not a punch, not full strength, but it hurt, still hurts, and left a large bruise.

   I’m shell shocked. When I yelled at him, he said what did I expect after hitting him with a ribbon? He was so angry, I have no idea who this person is.

   I don’t know what to do. I called my mom crying, and she told me I was overreacting-he didn’t BEAT me–and that I provoked him. My mom is the most woman power person, but she adores my husband.

   I’m such a confused mess.

   1. Leave. You aren’t confused. Your husband hit you. So you get your keys and your purse and you get out and divorce him. Srsly. I don’t care that he was sick or grumpy, or that your mother loves him. There are plenty of men who will never once in all their lives hit any woman.

      1. Not disagreeing, but unless you want to leave, I’d demand that he leave (otherwise you will) first.

      2. I think this is a big overreaction. This is a serious thing, I agree, and I find his lack of contrition (especially after seeing the bruise!?) even more troubling than the hit itself, and if he is unwilling to talk seriously about this and maybe go to counseling to discuss it, you should consider leaving. But I think getting in your car and driving away and never looking back without even trying to talk to him about it is jumping the gun.

         1. Sure. Talk. After you are safe. From the violent man who hit you.

   2. Oh, honey. Your mother is wrong; you are not overreacting. A playful swat with a ribbon should not provoke and does not justify an actual blow made in anger. And he was apparently not contrite and somehow blames you. IMO this is very significant.

      I’m not sure what advice to give, but I would insist on a frank discussion about this that would need to include his admitting – and actually understanding – how significant and how wrong this was. Then possibly therapy for him and/or couples counseling. But don’t pretend it didn’t happen.

      Hugs to you.

      1. And of course if it happens again you leave. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.

      2. The idea that you can “provoke” someone to violence is fundamentally wrong. Think of all the times you’ve playfully swatted someone who DIDN’T hit you.

         He and only he is responsible for his actions. Provoking, really? We are adults. He knew what he was doing. You aren’t responsible for his action, at all.

         1. Think of it this way: if you had a dog for ten years, and at one point you playfully swatted him with a lanyard and in response, he lunged at you and bit you, what would you think? If it were me, it would make me very nervous – there is clearly an element to this dog that I had never seen before. I would worry about having that dog around my kids – they often do innocent things that could incite a similar reaction. It’s true that I had provoked the dog by swatting him with a lanyard, but a disproportionate response like that would worry me greatly.

            Also, dogs are animals, and we know that even the best dog can sometimes react to things instinctually. Your husband is a grown-up human – he needs to be held to higher standards than the family pet.

            1. Or if this happened with a regular friend. I would think they were a little off the beam, at least in that moment.

         2. I absolutely disagree about “provoking” someone to violence. I’ve definitely done things in my life to provoke people to violence. There are a couple examples I’m thinking of where the other person (males and females) would’ve been completely justified in punching me in the face. They’ve just never done it because they’re better than that. In one of those examples I’m thinking about, if my husband had hit me, he would’ve been justified in doing it. And if he had hit me, I would’ve been justified in leaving him.
            As for the OP, I don’t know what the answer is. What she did was playful. What he did was violent. Only she knows whether a line was crossed. The most concerning thing to me is that he blamed her for it.

      3. Agree, and take several photos of the bruise and e mail them to yourself.

   3. Was it intended to hurt you? Or was he reacting to what you did (g you swatted him, he swatted you back but misjudged how hard it was)? How did he react after when he saw the bruise? If he saw a bruise and then said “well what did you expect?” That’s a very different (and concerning) scenario vs saying “well what did you expect?” Then seeing a bruise and being horrified.

      1. I say this as a mom who once tried to seat something out of my kids hand and left a mark. I totally misjudged my strength and distance and who knows what and spent several days after feeling horrified and trying to do damage control.

         1. The difference in your story vs. OP’s is the immediate reaction. If someone yells, “ow that really hurt wth!,” the appropriate response is “I’m sorry.” Which I’m sure is what you said to your kid. You don’t need to SEE the bruise to know that you unintentionally hurt the person you meant to just swat.

      2. +1

      3. Something like this happened in my relationship very early in my marriage. We were in the car, friends in the backseat. I did something to him, I can’t remember what now, but it was a small physical jab and he gave me one back but it was much more forceful and hurt. I truly don’t think he realized how much it hurt. In his eyes, I hit him and he hit me back. Neither of us hit with full force but we weren’t doing it in a friendly way. Mine probably didn’t hurt him, his hurt me. I was so upset over it. We talked it through though, when we weren’t fighting. My friends who saw it thought it wasn’t nice and wasn’t good fighting but wasn’t really being hit – not that their opinion matters in that. I think mine was in my arm too. We drew the line that day that neither of us would get physical with each other ever. Not that me being physical justified his but we just both wouldn’t do it. We’ve now been married 12+ years and it has never happened again. I don’t think you have to leave. Only you know if this was abuse or a one off moment of bad judgment. I truly don’t think he realized his own strength in that moment. I know if he “really” hit me, it would do a lot more damage so I don’t think he was purposely going for pain. I know he also really didn’t like that I had hit him either.

         1. Mine did not leave a bruise, however. Just saw that part.

         2. This is a great perspective and I don’t mean to pick on you, but I want to push back on this a little – “Only you know if this was abuse or a one off moment of bad judgment.”

            This is such a hard thing to know. That’s why women stay in abusive relationships. That’s why OP is writing here. Because you’ve known this great person for so long and then… something like this happens. Where did that come from? Will it happen again? Was it a fluke?

            1. good point.

            2. I agree but I was trying to parse out to do what she ultimately wants to do and not what third parties say she has to do. Unfortunately, in my experience (not that one incident, but dealing with friends in troubled relationships), the ones in actually abusive relationships won’t listen to anyone and the ones with problems that could be worked on end up listening to their friends more than their heart.

   4. I think you should talk with him this weekend. It’s not a small thing. Your husband physically hurt you. However, I don’t think leaving just yet is the right answer. Talk to him, see how it goes, but definitely protect yourself. Perhaps open a separate bank account at a different bank just in case you need some cash for a quick exit. If it happens again, that would significantly change things IMO.

      1. +1 to opening a separate bank account and doing some basic safety planning. I think she should consider leaving, however, because I wonder if this isn’t the first time. It could be the first time he HIT her, but is it the first time he’s overreacted in anger?

      2. This. And you need to be honest with yourself as to whether this is truly an uncharacteristic freak event or whether there is a pattern of his mistreating you in other ways, verbal abuse, etc.

   5. Three red flags. One, he laid his hands on you and left a bruise. Your playful swat is not in the same realm.

      Two, you said he was so angry and you don’t know this person.

      Three, he is turning the situation around and putting the blame on you. “What did you expect?” Not to get hit so hard you get a bruise. This is the same as “she was asking to be raped because she flirted with me/kissed me/wore a short skirt”. Its the same as a man who abuses his spouse because “what did she expect, she talked to another man/had dinner with a male friend”. Or a man who humiliated his partner over gaining weight, or not being attractive, or not fixing her hair and make up because “its for her own good and she should care about her appearance”. We’ve all heard of these scenarios.

      What do they have in common? Its about power and control. He wants to make you feel weak to remove his own blame and responsibility for his actions.

      I witnessed domestic violence in my parents’ relationship, and these words could have come from my mom.

      I would plan an exit strategy. Go with your gut. You are NOT overreacting.

      1. +1 to this.

         It’s not (just) about the hit, it’s about the context. He was in a foul mood, came on the walk anyway, used the opportunity to be verbally nasty to you, when you responded to his nastiness he hit you so hard you bruised, and he is now blaming you for his actions. Totally unacceptable, and honestly, scary.

         If he isn’t falling over himself to apologize and own up to his behavior ASAP, you have a serious problem, and you should start planning for how you’re going to move forward knowing this is a real and serious problem. Personally, I’d be looking for a place to crash short-term or asking him to go elsewhere short-term, and getting a therapist for myself to start to sort out what I feel and what I need from my H to move forward. I would *not* go to marriage counseling – if there is any chance at all he’s abusing you (and OP, there is) marriage counseling will be worse than useless – it’ll give him a whole new toolbox of words and skills with which to abuse you and manipulate you.

         Also, to me, the fact that you are asking this question, OP, tells me there’s a lot more context here that we don’t have that supports “unacceptable and scary” as the right conclusion here – if this was “one time offense, totally out of character, I have 100% faith it won’t be repeated” territory, you would not have felt the need to ask this question. Something in your gut is telling you to be afraid/to be cautious/to protect yourself. Listen to that part of yourself.

         1. +10000 to all of this. Couples counseling is not effective (and is downright harmful) when there is an abusive situation. Abusers use it as the perfect way to gaslight you with all the “progress” they’re making and all the “effort” they’re putting in. I also agree that you need to listen to your gut here. You really wouldn’t have posted here otherwise.

         2. +1 to the last paragraph

            Is there something else going on that has made you fearful?

         3. This probably will make no sense…

            But I work with domestic violence victims. I’m the first to say “The first time he raises a hand to you, LEAVE’

            So that is so ingrained in my head, that it feels like what I SHOULD do–even though I honest to god think it was a one-time thing and it is truly an out of character incident
            .

            I’m shocked that it happened. I’m shocked that I am that person. I am shocked that he is capable of doing this. I’m shocked that he didn’t immediately realize he was a jerk. I’m shocked that my mother–who would claw out the eyes of a domestic abuser–told me it’s my fault.

            I got a hotel (which more people told me was an overreaction) because I just need some space to get my thoughts clear. It’s all such a jumble

            1. That person could be any one of us.

               If anything good can be found in this whole situation, it is that you will be able to truly and honestly say to the DV victims you work with that you know about how excruciatingly difficult the decision to leave or even just the decision to seek help can be.

            2. Follow your instincts. To me, they sound solid. A hotel will give him time to reflect as well. I also think what Anonymous 10:09 said below is solid advice..when you are both more calm, share how you feel, but also listen to what is going on with him. Do the whole paraphrasing what he said back to him to make sure you really understand. I do think people are capable of acting out of character once in a while, particularly when they are sick and tired. I hope that is what is going on here, for your sake, since you say he is kind and sweet and you have been together for 10 years. Wishing you the best.

            3. It’s so, so understandable that you’re shocked, and also somewhat understandable (though terrible) that people who know him personally are saying you’re “overreacting” – as you’re no doubt aware, if he is an abuser, he’s also an expert at keeping all evidence of that locked tight away to preserve his public face. If that’s who he is, it may take people who know you both a while to reconcile the person they know with the truth of his character (and some people may never get there). Be careful not to let “everyone else thinks I’m overreacting” become ammunition for him and/or you to minimize the seriousness of what’s happened – “everyone else” was not on that walk. “Everyone else” is not carrying that bruise. Do whatever you need to do right now to feel safe and to have the space you need to get your thoughts clear (and a hotel sounds like a wonderful idea, good call!).

               Whatever you do, make your decisions slowly and carefully, and follow your instincts about what is going to make you feel safe and comfortable at every step. Also, keep in mind that decisions aren’t permanent! If you go to a hotel, it doesn’t mean your marriage has to be broken forever. If you go home, it doesn’t mean you don’t get to change your mind and leave again or ask your H to leave if things aren’t working the way you want and need them to. If he’s as good a man as you previously knew him to be, he will give you all the space you need to sort out your feelings and needs and wants in light of this incident.

            4. I am glad you got out. Trust yourself and your reactions.

            5. I don’t blame you at all for being shocked. I think we tend to think of good and bad in very black and white terms.

               Like we expect that someone who hits his wife or rapes someone is 100% evil, like some kind of twisted super-villain… when really its more likely that it’s just some normal seeming guy named Andrew who plays the guitar and loves dogs and has a bunch of friends. That’s what so hard for the victim in these situations. Because it’s harder for people on the outside of the situation to reconcile that the Andrew that they get beers with after work could have done something like that. Real life is not that black and white, unfortunately.

      2. Yes to all of this.

         As others have said, I find it hard to imagine that you have been together for 10 years and he has really and truly been kind and loving, and now all of a sudden he hits you, leaves a mark, and most notably is not repentant or remorseful. Either this is who he has been all along or maybe he has a brain tumor or something.

         If your instinct is telling you to leave, then you need to leave. And put some money in a separate account, too.

         It’s not your fault and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

   6. You need to sit down, when you both are rested and calm, and talk.

      Show him the bruise. Explain how shocked you were when this happened, and how upset and scared you are. Cry, if it comes.

      Say this may never happen again. Say you are not sure you know him anymore. Ask him….. What is going on?

      Listen. Then decide your next step.

   7. I’m sorry this happened to you. How did you leave it? Unfortunately, I think we reveal who we really are when we’re tired, grumpy, feeling sick, stressed – this may be who he is. It could have gone two ways. If he had playfully swatted back at you, accidentally did it harder than intended, and instantly apologized before seeing the bruise or any damage, that is way different than angrily hitting you and saying essentially “you deserved it.” Can you talk to your girlfriends and figure out what you want to do?

   8. I punched my husband in the arm once. Not a playful swat. It was hard, and out of anger. I don’t think it left a bruise but women bruise much more easily than men. It was a huge mistake and something I definitely regret, but it’s also something we’ve moved past and it’s now more than five years later and we have a very happy relationship and there has been no more physical stuff at all. I’m very glad he didn’t just leave because I did one very bad thing. Sometimes good people make huge mistakes.

      1. “women bruise much more easily than men.” This is not true.

         1. It actually is true (http://thedermblog.com/2008/03/17/why-do-women-bruise-more-easily-than-men/) and there’s also a lot of variability in how people bruise. I personally bruise like a peach. Seriously, I have gotten bruises from playful shoves, (pretty vanilla) s*x, bumping into objects around the house, etc. The lightest, most playful hit would absolutely leave a bruise on me. I don’t think the fixation on “it left a bruise” is appropriate because of how much variability there is in what it takes to make a bruise. The important things are 1) that he hit hard/not playfully and 2) his reaction.

            1. I assume the OP knows how easily she bruises from a lifetime of having her body, and so if she thinks left a mark is a big deal, I’d trust her on it.

            2. It’s far from settled science. “There’s only one problem with this theory: Not every woman has more subcutaneous fat than every man. […]As is often the case, gender differences are complicated. “It’s hard to make such sweeping generalizations,” says Cohen. “It really depends on somebody’s BMI.” ” – specifically referencing the article you cited above. (https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/why-women-bruise-more-easily-than-men)

               He hit her hard enough to bruise. Please don’t minimize that she was bruised. Hitting someone hard is a huge red blag, even if there was no bruise. A debate about whether he would have bruised in the reverse situation is not relevant to the difficult situation OP is facing.

      2. But you realize it was a mistake. Good people do make mistakes, and they own up to it. You said you regretted the situation.

         The OP says her husband is blaming HER for “provoking” him. He’s taken all responsibility and laid it on her. This is classic abuse. Its always the victim’s fault, never the abusers. She made him do it. This is a dangerous thought pattern.

      3. I’m less disturbed by the hit itself than I am by the after-the-fact reaction. I am, admittedly, not awesome at controlling my anger. I’m a screamer, not a hitter, but I’ve definitely lost it when I shouldn’t have. And I apologized. Profusely and without prompting. As I’m sure you apologized when you hit your husband. OP’s husband has not. He gaslighted her. Now maybe that reaction was because he was embarrassed and prideful and he’ll apologize tonight. If that doesn’t happen, though, I would seriously consider a separation pending counseling.

         1. I was thinking this same thing. I know that I have what I call a hair-trigger nervous system and tend to overreact to certain “threatening” behaviors (working on it). Also, when I know I’m in the wrong, I can sometimes get even more defensive for that reason (also, working on it). But by this evening or the latest tomorrow morning I would be profusely apologizing.

   9. I can’t imagine what I would do in your shoes with 10 years of evidence to the contrary, but what I did when my now ex-boyfriend physically hurt me was to take a photo of my injuries. I never ended up using them for legal purposes, but took them as a reminder to myself of what I had experienced and not to forget what had happened. (Sadly, I dated him for another two years before leaving. He never physically hurt me again but relationship continued to be abusive.)

      1. Oh, yes! Do this, OP!! Take a photo even if you think you will never need it or use it!

   10. Document. Take a picture of your bruise and write and send yourself an email laying out exactly what happened.

       Ensure you can leave for good if you need to. Separate credit card and bank account – today.

       If you don’t have kids, I would probably stay in a hotel for a couple days. I would feel scared to be alone with him. If you do have kids, that’s incredibly hard and not sure what to suggest.

       Your mom was unfair to you. He hit hard, left a bruise, and didn’t apologize profusely. Huge red flags.

   11. I could be completely off base, but does he tend to prevent you from doing things alone? I ask because you said he insisted on coming with you even though he was sick and in a bad mood. If he resists you doing things on your own, I’d consider that an additional red flag.

       I’m so so sorry you are dealing with this.

       1. +1000

          That’s a really good catch Sydney. I noted that when I started to read and got distracted by the hitting.

          I would be additionally concerned about the hitting if it’s after a pattern of not wanting you to be alone with friends or family members.

       2. This too. Also, the fawning-mother-in-law thing is pricking my spidey-sense – abusers are often very, very good at co-opting their partner’s support network. OP, who do you have in your corner? Who is a friend or support-network-team-member who is just yours? (If the answer is “no one,” therapist, ASAP.)

          1. This is pretty much how my marriage ended and the dog walking situation sounds so familiar. I really wish I had left the first time, but I was shocked and couldn’t believe it really have happened. I left after the second time and 18 months later I’m still trapped in a nasty legal battle (over nothing, we have no major assets beyond my salary) More than a year a therapy has made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship for several years before the actual hitting happened and even now the ongoing legal battle is his final attempt to control me

       3. No, he’s usually fine with me doing stuff on my own. I go to the park every morning with the dog as part of my morning ritual–this is the first time he’s insisted on coming

   12. Get out now. Grew up in a household with abuse, I would not wish it on anyone.

       And next time consider a TW.

       1. I’m sorry you grew up in a household with abuse; you’re right that we would never wish it on anyone. I don’t think it’s really appropriate to ask for a TW when someone is posting about an acute situation, though. She didn’t do anything wrong or inconsiderate here (I would think differently if it was posting about some abusive scene in a TV show or movie) and we need to be supportive and not critical.

          1. I agree we need to be supportive, not only of those in acute situations, but those who still have nightmares about DV.

             I didn’t say don’t post it, just consider that this is often a traumatic topic

       2. TW?

       3. Personally, I think trigger warnings are an absurd Gen Y construct…but even playing along, 10:53, she came here for help. She doesn’t need you telling her how she’s mishandling her request for help. Good lord.

          1. I mean the first sentence was “My husband hit me.” I’m not sure what better TW OP could have had?

             1. I believe the idea is to put DV TW before that first sentence.

                But personally, I would not want someone in a situation like this to have to worry about that right noe.

   13. If this happened to me, I think I would need some time away to regroup. I would feel scared that someone who said they loved me could react with such anger. I’m really sorry.

   14. Everyone has good points. But I mostly want to send you lots of hugs. Remember that you don’t deserve to be hit, ever. Be gentle with yourself and try to find a quiet place to process. I’ll be thinking of you.

   15. So this is just my story, but…

       My husband punched me in the arm on a dog walk. We were arguing the whole walk. Toward the end I punched him in the arm (at the time I thought I was being silly and diffusing the situation, but in hindsight I was being passive aggressive). He hit me back way harder and it hurt. I immediately started crying and told him that was totally unacceptable and to get away from me. He said what your husband said “You hit me first. What did you want me to do?” And that made me angrier. We spent the next day apart.

       The day after that we talked about it from a number of different angles. We talked about the situation as if we were friends, not married. We talked about when hitting someone is appropriate. We talked about when one person is in the position to de-escalate the situation. We talked about the situation in our specific context as married people. We talked about the advice we’d give our friends if they asked us about this happening to them. I mean we covered it thoroughly. We both said “Sorry” for our specific wrong-doing and agreed that, like with our friends and other family, we would never escalate an argument to physical harm again.

       This was my particular experience, neither of us are aggressive people, physically or otherwise, and it was out of character for both of us to resort to hitting. We’ve never come close to repeating this, but it was important that we really talked through it at length to understand how it happened and how we would prevent it from happening again.

       I understand why some people won’t agree that you can stay together after hitting, I really do. In my specific situation, though, we were able to address it and work through it.

   16. The fact you (OP) works with DV victims doesn’t mean you’re exempt from abuse. I worked at a DV shelter for a year after college, and I later worked with sexual assault victims. No one really knows what they’ll do until they are put in the situation. Working with victims isn’t quite the same.

       Luckily, I’ve never had any partner hit me, but I did once have a verbally abusive boyfriend. I recognized the signs, but ending the relationship was still hard. We lived together 2 1/2 years. I would actually justify that he HADN’T hit me. But things were always my fault. Always. I was always apologizing.

       The “you provoked him” sounds just like my abusive ex. Somehow every fight was my fault. He was tired, sick, cranky, and I made him scream at me.

       I was so glad to get out, and since then I’ve had loving positive relationships, one of whom is now my husband.

       You don’t deserve this! Sending you hugs. This is a dangerous situation, IMO, and its not going to get better.

       1. Late but wanted to echo this point – I used to work with domestic violence victims and one of the issues they trained us on was that people in professions that serve DV victims are just as likely as the general population to be in an abusive relationship but are often very reluctant due to feelings of shame or that they should have been able to avoid it.
          You didn’t do anything wrong. All that you can do now is make good choices. I encourage you to call a hotline or a counselor and get some support and safety planning

   17. Please keep us informed on what happens next. We are all worried about what happened to you and want to help and give you support.

   18. I know I am late on this, but I wanted to add to the chorus – you are not overreacting! What he did is not excusable in any way – it was violent abuse. Whether he hit you because this is who he has been all along, or because something has changed recently, it’s not okay. I have a friend whose husband was a marvelous husband and father for almost twenty years, before something changed in him and he became abusive. I wish the best for you and I hope you can figure out the best way forward. I do encourage you to seek help navigating this time, and, as others have said, do not pursue couples counseling as it just opens up another front for potential abuse. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

   19. I’m actually a little surprised by all the people saying to leave, immediately. And I’m someone who was in an abusive relationship, so, I don’t think abuse is a minor matter. To me the big things are that this was extremely out of character and you normally find him to be kind and gentle. Maybe take a few days away, and then really seek to understand what happened here? I believe research shows that ONE instance of hitting often is, indeed, a one time thing – many times people are horrified by what they’ve done and it never happens again. If you said that in generally your husband was a bit of a jerk, I’ve be singing a completely different tune, but, the way you’ve described things here, I wouldn’t be so quick to toss out a good marraige… I’d be inclined to look and see what caused him to act so out of character…is he really really not feeling well, has a brain tumor, really upset by something that happened with a friend or coworker, etc,?

   20. I know this is very late, but one note since no one else has added it: you said he was sick that morning. Is there anything organic (in the medical sense) that could have contributed to unusual behavior? Was he trying a new medication, for instance? Is there a continuing change in personality? In rare cases, physical illness can result in sudden personality change or unusual behavior, and new medications or interactions between medications can also contribute to loss of usual inhibitions or sudden changes.

       Relationship issues of course are more likely, but I just wanted to throw this out as sometimes a sudden out-of-character incident like this reflects a medical or medication problem.

10. Hey Dulcinea, I was catching up on this week’s posts and saw your question about Reykjavik. A word of warning: Christmas in the Nordics means a lot of stuff is closed. Iceland celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve so some shops, restaurants etc will close around midday on Christmas Eve and may not open again until 27 December! This is not so say stuff won’t be open (Blue Lagoon for example is open every day of the year) but if there are specific things you want to go/restaurants you want to check out, plan ahead to check they will be open while you’re there. And have fun!

    1. Thanks!

11. Does anyone feel like their chosen career path is just not right for them? I’m a relatively new attorney and I just feel like my job is pulling teeth everyday. Everyday feels like such a struggle! I wouldn’t mind a struggle if it was for a great cause or I was truly helping people, but it doesn’t seem that way. I work in a small, boutique firm and I like my boss, but it’s a constant headache. I guess I’m just looking for commiseration or suggestions on how to make it better or get out!!

    1. It will get better.

       Last year’s first year openly felt like this and didn’t see until the summers arrived how much she truly knew and how much progress she had made. She sees so much of what she doesn’t know.

       Signed,
       Been doing this (and still questioning it) for 20 years

    2. Being a junior lawyer is mostly headache. It gets better. You put the time and effort into law school, you say you like your boss well enough, imho you owe it to yourself to stick it out for a couple of years and see if lawyering is something you like. If you don’t, then you can move on to something else.

       1. I’ve felt like this for 16 years. But I’ve found a tolerable niche (not private practice) and the feelings of hardcore struggling have diminished. I still think there are jobs that would be a much better natural fit, but I don’t want to give up the stability in my life to go back to school, not to mention reduction in pay, starting over at 40, etc. It’s a trade-off.

          1. I’m 31, single, and no debt so I could start over but I’m also burnt out from law school, bar exams, and only just starting to feel secure after a couple months of unemployment.

             1. Well, as you probably already know, any new job is going to feel weird for a while. It usually takes me 2 years before I get in the full swing of things. And if you are already burned out from the bar, plus just being a new lawyer is HARD, I would say give it some time. Not only to make sure it isn’t a good fit, but just for resume purposes and to give yourself some time to scope out other options. Join a local bar association and start making contacts…you never know what kind of job offers might come your way, or you might learn about some other options.

12. Wait for bar exam results today. Send good vibes my way!

    1. Gooooood luck!

    2. Waiting is the worst. Good luck!

    3. Thank you! Trying to keep myself distracted with work, but it’s only half working.

    4. I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!

       1. Congrats!!!

       2. Well done. You should be very proud of yourself. And a warm welcome to the show.

       3. Congratulations!!!

       4. I came back just to check on you :-) Congrats!!!!!!!!!

       5. I came back to check on you too… CONGRATULATIONS!

       6. Thank you all very much! What a gigantic relief :)

       7. Congratulations!!!

13. Sooo, it seems that Macy’s has dumped Trump. http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/01/politics/donald-trump-macys/index.html

    1. This is old and only pertains to Donald (I didn’t even know he sold clothes to be honest). They still sell Ivanka.

       1. Ah, ok, my cousin posted it this morning and I didn’t see the date. Knew it didn’t apply to Ivanka. I believe Donald had a brand exclusive to Macy’s.

    2. Retailers haven’t dropped her but consumers (many on this site) have.

       https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/10/27/you-cant-buy-that-its-ivanka-how-trumps-campaign-is-hurting-his-daughters-clothing-line/

14. Anyone want to virtually shop for me? I need a cocktail/party dress for a Christmas wedding. I am coordinating the wedding for a friend, and I’d like to fit in with her colors (hunter green and deep red plaid). Dress needs to have sleeves, and be available in size 16 or 18, but straight sizes, not W. Unfortunately, plus proportioned clothes don’t ever fit me (otherwise I’d have found the perfect dress below). I’m a 16 in J.Crew/Banana/Ann Taylor/Boden, none of my go-tos have anything I’m drawn to…

    I’d like to find something similar to this, but that comes in a straight-size 16:
    https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/ml_monique_lhuillier/green_ivy_leaf_lace_sheath

    1. Did you see this from Boden? http://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/womens-dresses/special-occasion-dresses/ww178/womens-zeta-lace-ponte-dress

       1. I did, it’s been languishing in my cart but I can’t pull the trigger… there’s something about the hem and the lace pattern that I’m not loving.

    2. J.crew has a long-sleeved lace dress in red or green I believe (it may be J.crew factory). It looks pretty in the picture!

    3. Check out Talbots.

       1. specifically https://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi40506&defaultColor=6126&N=10189&selectedConcept=

    4. I’m a 12/14 and the 12 in this fit me really well – even through the waist (I’m an apple) – and was very flattering. The 16 is sold out right now, but they’ve been replenishing their stock every couple of days:

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-lace-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite/4383827?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GREEN

       From the same brand, the 16 is currently available:

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-lace-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite/3651256?origin=coordinating-3651256-0-1-PP_3-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-also_viewed2&recs_type=coordinating&recs_productId=3651256&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=1&recs_placementId=PP_3&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=also_viewed2&recs_referringPageType=item_page

       Similar style, also with stellar reviews and comes in a 16:

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-lace-overlay-sheath-dress-regular-petite/3217574?origin=related-3217574-0-2-PP_4-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-fbt_similar_items&recs_type=related&recs_productId=3217574&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=2&recs_placementId=PP_4&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=fbt_similar_items&recs_referringPageType=item_page

       1. I love every single on of these. Saving all for later! Will you be my personal Nordstrom stylist??

          1. aww <3

       2. Amazing picks! Thank you!

15. Shopping help needed! I’m going to a conference and I’m going to be on my feet all day so I want to wear sneakers (these ones: https://www.amazon.com/New-Balance-WL574-Core-Running/dp/B018NGCUFK) and I need non-denim pants I can wear with them (I’m bringing dark jeans and hope I can wear them but I’m not sure anyone will be dressed down that much).

    1. A professional conference? If so those sneakers are unacceptable.

       1. Yeah, but in tech so pretty casual. I have to be on my feet for 10-12 hours a day (I’m manning a booth, not sitting in lectures) so I was specifically told to wear very comfortable shoes. I’m pretty sure my male co-workers are wearing khakis and sneakers. I think they just happen to prefer khakis to jeans and I’d be fine in jeans but I’d prefer to get some chino-type pants that are directly more equivalent to khakis.

          1. Eh….unless you’ve done this before you should bring back up non sneaker comfortable shoes. I work in tech where the born team is in polos and khakis. Some people wear sneakers. I think it looks bad. Guys in casual leather shoes (ones with extra rubbery cushioning) look way more polished than those in running shoes. If you do go the sneaker route, try to find ones without branding. I do shows all the time and “comfortable shoes” means flats with support vs heels.

             If you’ve done this or other shows before then by all means carry on :-).

             1. Hmm, ok. It is my first time doing this, but I am really not comfortable standing for 12 hours in ballet flats or boots. I have mild back pain (nothing I’ve seen a doctor or have a diagnosis for, just occasional aches and pains) and none of my non-sneaker shoes really give me the cushion and arch support I need. I figured these “fashion sneakers” would look better than plain old white running shoes, but I can bring those instead I guess.

             2. OP, maybe try some Skechers GoWalks? They have some styles that are really comfortable but don’t scream “sneakers.”

             3. Sneakers with bright pink accents that look like something a teenager would wear are not your only alternative to plain white running shoes or ballet flats or boots – there are lots of more professional looking alternatives that’ll still be supportive. For example:

                http://www.colehaan.com/reiley-slip-on-sneaker-black-snake-print/W02205.html?dwvar_W02205_color=Black%20Snake%20Print

                http://www.dsw.com/shoe/skechers+relaxed+fit+big+bucks+slip-on+sneaker?prodId=362454

                http://www.dsw.com/shoe/crocs+kadee+work+flat?prodId=353486

                http://www.dsw.com/shoe/klogs+pisa+work+sneaker?prodId=350860

                http://www.dsw.com/shoe/dr.+scholls+hesper+work+flat?prodId=354758

                http://www.colehaan.com/women%27s-2.zerogrand-laser-wingtip-oxford-black-leather-black/W05422.html?dwvar_W05422_color=Black%20Leather-black&dwvar_W05422_width=B

             4. Whoa, I don’t understand all the hate for my sneakers! Surely they’re more professional and fashionable than *Crocs* (the ones you linked to look like something I would only wear to the beach!). The bright pink is mostly on the tongue and back and hidden by my pant leg and maybe not as bright as it looks on the computer screen. Anyway I don’t have the budget for new khakis & new shoes so I’ll start off in ballet flats with gel inserts and change into the sneakers if I’m in pain (I really think no one is going to care about my feet anyway since I’ll be behind a booth and they won’t be visible).

             5. OP, maybe it’s just that I volunteer with HS kids, but those sneakers look so, so, so kiddie to me. Like, I would notice them in a bad way in a professional context. Not because they’re sneakers, but because of the styling of those particular sneakers, *especially* because the accent color is pink. Personally, I’d be especially cautious of wearing super-juvenile, super-girly stuff like this in a male-dominated field like tech, but you do you, I guess.

    2. What kind of conference is this? If wearing dark jeans would be too dressed down, I would think wearing sneakers would be too.

    3. Have you looked at Klogs? I have a pair of black leather lace-ups that are more comfortable than any pair of tennis shoes I’ve owned. The Ashley style of Mary Janes is available on Amazon & is about the same price as the sneakers you’re looking at.

    4. Puma makes these adorable slip-on sneakers that I wear for my commute.

       http://www.zappos.com/puma-zandy-patent-wns-black

    5. check out the Allbirds sneakers – no branding & super comfortable

       1. +1

          And these are trendy in Silicon Valley.

    6. I am LOLing at all the hate on this thread! OP, I would totally wear sneakers to man a booth for 12 hours at a trade conference. You’d be nuts not to! I think the ones you link to would be fine (I’m guessing you already own them ,right?), especially with pants with a slight flare to cover the tongue. Ann Taylor has a “stretch trouser” that might fit the bill. Seriously, no one is going to notice and you have got to take care of your body in an environment that requires you stand in place for 10 hours.

       Team Sneakers!

       1. Fwiw, I work in tech/design and these sneakers would fit right in at any professional conference I’ve ever been to. I would wear them with tailored chinos, like these Vince ones: https://www.shopbop.com/chino-pants-vince/vp/v=1/1516180065.htm

    7. Hey OP, I’m in a very casual tech industry segment as well and attend a lot of professional conferences, working in the booth for all but one of them. There are definitely people who wear sneakers like your link to them, but they don’t look particularly put together. After 6 years and lots of blisters, this year I’ve had some success finally getting the comfort balanced with put together professional. I do a mix of flats and really comfortable booties. Finding prof looking shoes that you can wear black socks with is key. You have to hunt a little, but this is definitely doable.

       A big win for me has been Toms brogues – I found them in Nordstroms and couldn’t believe that they were Toms because they do not look like it.

       You can upgrade the sneaker look though! There is lots of room in between formal heels and casual athletic sneakers. I think the big logo in the contrasting color is screaming running shoe in the ones you posted, and may account for some of the reaction that you’re getting from other posters. If I was committed to sneakers similar to the ones posted, I would get all black (like these: https://www.amazon.com/New-Balance-Modern-Classics-Lifestyle/dp/B00OIYLH7E/ref=cts_sh_3_vtp?_encoding=UTF8&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=2601945442&pf_rd_r=D81ZSPEJ2Z3981WQF9S9&pd_rd_wg=VGTRz&pf_rd_s=desktop-detail-softlines&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=B00OIYLH7E&pd_rd_w=jpbnA&pf_rd_i=desktop-detail-softlines&pd_rd_r=D81ZSPEJ2Z3981WQF9S9).

       Another option, I’ve been considering all black leather converses for conferences. (http://www.zappos.com/converse-chuck-taylor-all-star-craft-leather-ox-black-black-black)

       Now, on pants to wear with – just get a well fitting pair of khakis. This is probably obvious, but no lower pockets around the thighs. But back pockets, IMHO, would be a major plus. When I’m working a booth I always need a small notebook, pen, and business cards close by and stuffing them in my back pocket is so useful.

       Another thought; you’ll probably see attendees wearing jeans (and hoodies and flannels and all sorts of other casual wear, if it’s anything like my industry). Attendees can get away with being more casual because they’re not representing/selling a company. Since you’re going to be in a booth, you should be a step up. So watch for other vendors in jeans before you wear yours, and especially those at your own company. There usually is a wide discrepancy between company expectations for what is appropriate for exhibits (i.e. Company A is all in suits/formal, while Company B and C are bus casual). It doesn’t matter if the woman three booths down is rocking dark wash jeans if your boss is in a suit.

       Also, if you have a long walk from your hotel to your booth, feel free to wear the sneakers on the “commute” and then change discreetly at the booth.

       I just saw above that you don’t have the budget for new shoes + khakis. If your industry is similar to mine, you will be OK in the sneakers, but just may want to think about a slight upgrade in the future. It’s stupid, but I really have gotten comments on my shoes before when they’ve been borderline (I was wearing leapord print flats – I actually think they were fine – but the other vendor was a d!ck). Plus, at least for me, having the right shoes/outfit is a confidence thing.

       1. Thanks, this is superhelpful!

16. Do you ever feel professionally “left behind” by a friend and how do you deal? I have a friend I really like and admire who has made it up to the executive ranks, which I’m very proud of her for. However when my promotion time came up, I didn’t make it. I ended up leaving and took a “lateral” position in a different company; I don’t love it, I wish I had made it but I didn’t; but I still gotta pay the bills and this job pays well.

    Thing is — she made it 5-6 yrs ago and while we are still friends and see each other when we can, I feel like she must feel like — wow I’m doing all this cool stuff, I have all this stress (stress is a bragging point in my industry), I make a LOT more money, and my friend’s life is exactly what it was 5-6 yrs ago — she hasn’t progressed at all. She has NEVER insinuated any of this stuff. And I know this is my insecurity, but it’s an insecurity which makes me reach out to her less bc I always think — she’s busy; she’s hanging out with other higher ups, what would she want with me. Doesn’t help that she is (and always was) legitimately busy and on top of that has 2 kids etc. so I don’t want to “bother” her; and doesn’t help that she was always bad at reaching out/making plans — this isn’t promotion related, she just isn’t good at it and yet back then, when I asked her to get dinner or whatever, we’d plan, we’d do it, and would end up having a lot of fun — like both of us would be like how did 2+ hrs just go by!? I just felt more like her “equal” back then and now I don’t. Anyone go thru this?

    1. Yeah. One of my best friends is a lawyer and I’m a CPA. We both used to work a ton of hours and were childless, climbing the ladder, and had a lot in common. She’s still on the ladder and doing very well, but I had a kid, left public accounting, and took a job in the tax department of a law firm. And my job title is now “paralegal”. Gasp. She’s a lawyer and I’m a paralegal. This is not sane or healthy, but when I took this job I thought to myself “wow, I wonder what all my lawyer friends think of me now?” Because I’ve heard how lawyers talk about paralegals. Yeah yeah, #notalllawyers, but still.

       I realize that a lot of this is about my own insecurities though. You actually just motivated me to reach out to her to see if she wants to hang out. Its amazing what stories we tell ourselves in our own heads about what other people must think of us. I doubt she is judging me at all.

    2. “she was always bad at reaching out/making plans”

       So this is me. And it’s worse now that I have three kids and a busy career. Not as high flying as your friend but still pretty different from a close friend who chose to lean out a lot more. Mostly I miss my friend and wish she’d get in touch more. Meeting for lunch is like a million times easier than meeting for dinner and no guilt about missing time with the kids. Maybe you could set up a standing lunch date every second or third week?

       1. It gets exhausting and frustrating to always be the friend that reaches out/suggests plans/makes plans though.

          You want her to get in touch more? In the amount of time it took you to write that comment, you probably could’ve sent her a text asking how she is and if she’s free in the next couple of weeks.

    3. I’ve been on the opposite side of this. I also am still friends with people from high school and various other parts of my life even after 20 years. I’m friends with them because they’re awesome, amazing people, and no amount of professional accomplishment or lack thereof will ever change that. My friend is always my equal. I don’t know anything about your situation, but unless you have an actual reason to believe otherwise, keep reaching out to her. I’d hate to lose an old friend over something like this, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she felt the same way.

    4. Are you close enough to her that you feel comfortable telling her some of this? Specifically, the “I feel like I’m bothering you because you’re so fancy now” part?

       I was on the other side of this. I was lucky to get a biglaw job right out of law school. One of my law school BFFs couldn’t find a job, eventually hung a shingle but really struggled for a few years. I missed her but I was also so busy with biglaw that I guess I didn’t realize how distant we’d become. She finally told me that she felt like she couldn’t talk to me because I had the fancy job and she was still struggling. I was so sad that she felt that way, but glad she told me. I made much more of an effort to maintain our friendship. Now seven years later we’re still super close and we’ve been in each others weddings.

       1. OP here — yeah — I don’t know if I’d open that door. She knows how sad/upset/personally I took it when I didn’t get promoted. She knows I wanted it badly. She knows I hate my current trajectory. I don’t think she’s ever thought I hated her for getting promoted (I don’t; I have never made petty or jealous comments; and she’s 3-4 yrs ahead of me so we weren’t competing with each other or anything). But she’s not always great at talking about emotion and I don’t want her to take it as — you’re jealous of me, I don’t need jealous people in my life.

    5. I definitely have a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to my big law lawyer friends. I’m glad I don’t practice but there’s definitely some envy and just different lives. And realistically, I know some of them envy my comparatively low-stress 8-5 career. But the money thing is hard for me. No advice, just commiseration. Yesterday my best work friend, who I’m also close with outside of work, was promoted to be my boss. Uggggghh.

    6. I have friends all over the spectrum of success. Two are partners at high profile firms. One is a “washed out”
       Big 4 CPA turned housewife. One is an ibanker turned MLM housewife (but doesn’t involve me in it!). One is a nationally recognized journalist. One is a news anchor. One is a mid level manager at a giant corp. Some are middle of the road architects, engineers and lawyers.

       Our “common ground” is not work, so none of this matters. We grew up together (high school or college, a few b school friends). We hang out and talk about life/kids/families. Some of us vacation together.

       I have the lamest millionaire friends in the world- they live in a small condo and host board game nights every weekend while pulling in a combined $800k/year. They are not people that talk about work- other than to occasionally use it as an excuse to treat friends.

    7. I can’t speak for your friend, but I can tell you from the other side – she would probably REALLY appreciate you spending time together. I have “made it”, i.e. successfully clawed my way up the corporate ranks, and here are some of the things I think about when hanging out with my friends who are on different career trajectories, and we talk about work:

       – “Wow, I am SO GLAD to spend time with someone who knew me ‘back in the day’, so I can totally be myself around them”
       – “It is so nice to not worry if someone is just being nice for some sort of networking reason / in anticipation of asking me a factor.”
       – “I’m so envious that her job is lower stress and she has more free time than I do.”
       – “I miss the camaraderie I used to have with my co-workers, back when I was a worker bee.”
       – “People say ‘you’re so FANCY now!’ and I don’t really feel like I’ve changed as a person… have I???”

       And most of the time, we don’t talk about work anyway.

       1. +1. Don’t underestimate this. Often times people who are promoted are NOT sitting there thinking OMG, I have ARRIVED!! Instead they are once again the lowest man on the totem pole. They may not have as much control of their life/schedule as you’d think bc now they are a junior exec. They typically ALWAYS miss their friends and old colleagues — esp. in environments like yours where people leave/must leave if they don’t get promoted. So you go from having 10 good friends/colleagues at work to literally having no one you call a friend anymore and as the poster above says you’re worried about who you can trust/who is being nice just for a favor etc.

          I have a feeling she misses you like you miss her, and is NOT thinking that you guys aren’t equals anymore.

17. Ladies, looking for jean recommendations. I’ve been doing Old Navy jeans for so long because I knew what size I was and I liked the style so I could grab and go, but I’ve lost enough weight recently that, combined with them looking a little shabby, I need some new jeans. So, I’m looking for an upgrade that won’t stretch terrible much in between washes and runs into the larger sizes (I’m an 18 at ON right now).

    Thanks!

    1. Oohh I’ve been looking for the same thing so I’m excited to see responses.

       I tried a pair of size 18 jeans from Boden and they were just a bit too tight on me still. I can’t remember what cut they were. The quality seemed impressive though so I plan on trying again when I lose more weight. They are having a 25% off sale and feee shipping over $49 so it might be worth a shot for you.

    2. I know how this sounds, but Torrid jeans are actually really well made and come in a lot of styles/lengths. And they go down to a size 12.

       1. Oh that could be an option – also they’re having a BOGO sale it looks like right now! Thank you!

    3. I’m a 16/18 and buy all my jeans at LOFT. They are not carrying all of their jeans in the larger sizes anymore (grrr!) but their basics usually still go up to 18 (some of them are labeled differently so 33=16, 34=18).

    4. My absolute favorite jeans were an 18 from CJBanks. I thought the quality lovely, the price reasonable and they were amazingly comfortable.

    5. I’m a size 16 and I like NYDJ.

18. A start-up client called out of the blue and asked whether I would be interested in going in-house with them. They currently don’t have any legal staff, so I would be the only lawyer (and I guess general counsel?). Currently they use my Midlaw firm for all legal matters; I’m a senior associate who does a mix of private M&A/commercial transactions. We have a coffee date set up for next week to discus in more detail what the client thinks its needs are and the client’s vision for the position.

    I haven’t had a chance to think much about this opportunity, but it’s certainly a left turn from where I thought my career was heading (either continuing on non-partnership track at my firm or going in-house at a big corporation). Does anyone have any thoughts about issues I should be thinking about/questions I should be asking to start to figure out whether the position is a good fit and how much I want to pursue this?

    Also, the possibility of going in-house for this client puts me in an awkward position with the relationship partner for this client, who is a friend and mentor. I know me going in-house with this client would reduce his book. I also know the client hasn’t discussed with the relationship partner that they are thinking of adding in-house legal staff. Is there a way to encourage the client to mention it to the relationship partner without shooting myself in the foot?

    TIA in advance for any thoughts/advice.

    1. Does the company do something you’re genuinely interested in? I have friends who do legal at start-ups in Austin and they all say people succeed at start-ups for only 3 reasons (1) they really believe in the product/service the start-up is offering, (2) they really love being involved with start-up businesses and enjoy entrepreneurship and/or (3) they’re adrenaline junkies with high risk tolerance who love the thrill of betting it all on red.

    2. If this company is growing they are inevitably going to hire someone in-house so your boss’s book will be smaller no matter what so that should not be a concern. If anything he’s already think about this.

       Anon at 11:53 has hit all the main points so nothing really to add.

    3. A friend at my firm did this (slightly more junior than you though) and absolutely loves his life. I admit I don’t know the in-house market well but I can’t see why you couldn’t transition this to a job at a larger corporation in-house later if it didn’t work out. I think you have to have a high risk tolerance and a willingness to do a lot of not quite legal work, as well as an interest in the industry in particular.

       I wouldn’t worry about relationship partner – I’ve never heard of a firm being upset about an associate going in-house to a client, even a small one, where it might for a while cut down on the volume of legal work. You will not do everything, and you are more likely to send big stuff/litigation/specialty work to your firm, which will improve your partner’s overall billings for the client.

19. Should I be tipping my cleaning person each time? I pay a service, but they send the same individual every month. I’m in the Midwest, outside of a major city, and my understanding is tipping is a little less common here than it is on the coasts (and generally lower when people do tip).

    1. I’m in Texas, I don’t use a service, I use an individual and I only tip her at Christmas.

       1. I’m in Wisconsin and in the same situation. Individual and tip only at Christmas.

    2. Yes.

    3. I do. We pay a little over $100 to a service for four hours, and I usually leave a $10 or $20 with the check. We also have the same person come each time. She cleans every 2 weeks, so I suppose the alternative would be giving her a $300-$500 check at Christmas.

    4. It would never occur to me to tip on top of what I’m paying the service. I tip at the holidays.

       1. That’s not what you are supposed to do.

          1. According to who? Please site some sort of reference (i.e. Emily Post perhaps)

    5. I don’t, but I may be a stingy tipper because I don’t really tip anywhere besides restaurants and the hair/nail salon. I give her a $50 cash gift at the holidays.

    6. This is the first time I have ever heard of tipping a cleaning service except for a one-time cleaning or at the holidays.

20. I’ve been at a very intense conference all week and now interviewing students at a a career fair and I am so tired I had to check if I was PMS-ing, I’m so emotional. I got teary reading the women’s group thing above about SAHMs and I am not a mom.
    Also, if you’re interviewing for a position, it would behoove you to know what the organization does and what they’re hiring for. Otherwise it wastes my time and yours.

    1. I can relate about the feeling tired/emotional and wondering if I am PMSing.

21. No matter what you decide to do immediately, I strongly recommend that you document the bruise electronically on another email that you create and access only from the library on an account he can’t access in any way but don’t tell him you’re doing it. Show it to more than one friend immediately, tell them what happened.

    Then, see an attorney to learn your rights and options should you decide to leave him. The reason for this is so that if you decide to leave in the future, you are not deterred by misinformation about your rights.

    Then, without indicating to him any connection, begin to separate your finances by upping your professional game, even if it’s through volunteering you don’t tell him about or that you underplay to him but that will give you a recent reference for the type of work that can support you well. Keep work samples, build individual references, learn how to start a consulting firm, etc. The attorney can tell you whether it’s best to get your income up now or keep it lower for a divorce and then increase it later after it’s done.

    I’m not saying to divorce your husband. However, violence is never acceptable and you did NOT provoke it. Any adult knows you can simply say, “Hey, I don’t like that. Don’t do that.” Violence in response is domination and destruction. He will do it again if you ever even playfully cross him, maybe not the first time, but later.

    Don’t think that when you’re older, domestic abuse doesn’t appear and get worse. My grandmother was nearly choked to death by my step-grandfather, while she had a serious disease, because she didn’t allow him to take her social security and spend it as he wished.

    You do not have to live in fear. You may also consider quickly going to the police and documenting it all and pressing charges. If you don’t, he will assume he can do it again and likely will lie if you hold him accountable later. It’s important that this crime be documented. Men abuse in part because they feel it’s their right to do so. The ones who do have that male privilege thing going on, and women must stop that by reporting every violent and financial crime against them.

    Prepare now for independence, and whether you divorce or not, you’ll be better off. Just knowing that you’re not dependent on him and that you’re ready to take care of yourself fully will empower you and change the equation.

    Do it.

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