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Paging Sloan Sabbith
I left some book recommendations for you on your post last night. Good luck! – Shayla
Sloan Sabbith
Thank you!
Anon
Some of you may remember that I posted last fall about my parents offering my husband and me $5K as a gift to help with a big purchase and then, after the purchase was made, telling us it was actually a loan. This was unfortunate because we made a slightly more expensive purchase than we would have otherwise (after confirming more than once that the gift was definitely happening). As it turns out, it was my stepmother playing some kind of game – my father 100% intended for it to be a gift. He had received the same gift amount from his parents when he was around my age and wanted to pay it forward to his kids. When called out in front of my father, my stepmother claimed it was a gift as well and that she used the words “loan” and “repayment” because of her “accounting background” (huh?). This is not out of character for her behavior towards me. Long story short, my father insisted that they write a check for as originally intended and grudgingly said that we could choose not to cash it if we wanted (he was upset by the prospect because he wanted us to have the money, but ultimately came around for the sake of compromise during the argument). We agreed, said thank you, and promised we’d make a decision quickly and put it all behind us with no resentment or grudges. Then my stepmother never sent the check (I believe my father thinks she did). I did not reach out to clarify the situation because I could not stand the thought of “begging” for the money, and because I simply don’t think she “forgot” to send it.
It’s been over 6 months and I realized I’m still upset about it, mostly because I think my father thinks we received the gift and is being tricked. Thoughts on how to proceed or get over it? We don’t need the money – taking action or not would be strictly about principle. It seems selfish to start a conflict when we don’t need or want the money (it feels tainted now – is it still a gift if given grudgingly?), but I can’t seem to move past this. I also think there is a strong risk that my stepmother will “deduct” this from my future (small) inheritance despite not having sent us the money, and I really don’t think I would be able to let that slide without saying something.
Finally, I have been independent from my parents since I graduated college; the only gifts I’ve gotten were of the Christmas variety. Meanwhile, my stepbrother has mooched off of them in every possible way, including living with them rent-free for several years and using their credit card for vacations (he has never held a full-time, permanent job and is now going back for a master’s). Because my stepmother, his biological mother, is the “accountant,” she has made things easy for him and definitely not always with the full knowledge of my father. Long story short, I have long felt that things were “not fair,” and as much as I am glad to be independent and grateful that I’m not in my brother’s shoes, it stings that the one gift meant for me has had all these issues attached.
There aren’t many people I can talk to about this in my private life so hoping Internet strangers can help…
Anon anon
I’m at a loss for useful advice but urge you to take a look at the Captain Awkward website. She has a ton of advice for dealing with strained family relationships and maybe even some that intersects with money and family. Seriously, it’s a wonderfully helpful site.
Ellen
Boy, if my parent’s ever did that, I would be dirt poor! At least Dad follow’s up on his promises to me — from putting me through college and law school in DC, to helpiug me negotieate my partnership agreement, and to buying me my current apartement and now, workeing with me to get a new 3 BR 3Bath Apartement on the Upper West Side with a Wrap Around Balcony! Dad, your the greatest! (I know he looks at Corporete, b/c Mom told him I p’ost here).
The OP should say that this is NOT goeing to be a loan and if they value the family relationship, the transaction should be handeled as originally planned — as a GIFT. That is why Dad can get a gift tax dedeuction for all that he is doeing for me. He and mom make joint GIFTS to me, Rosa, Ed, and the Kid’s every year and it reduces their taxes with the IRS! YAY for Dad and Mom and the IRS!
Anonymous
I think you’ve come to this already, but it appears your issue is with the part where your step-mother is pulling the wool over your father’s eyes. I feel like this might be a time to take him to lunch, just the two of you, and clear all of this up. “Dad, I don’t want or need the money, but I want you to know that [step-mother] is not being straight with you and never sent the check.” She will likely claim it got lost in the mail, and your dad is the one who has to continue living with her, and she will also likely screw you over completely if your dad passes away before she does. So maybe the only thing to really flesh out with your dad now is estate planning, to make sure that his assets are distributed the way he’d like them to be after his passing.
anon
+1. Does step-mother also handle all of their family finances because of her “accounting” background? I’m not saying that she’s being shifty with the assets, but the $5k needs to be accounted for one way or the other.
Anon
Fortunately, I am fairly sure that the lion’s share of any potential inheritance is tied up in an old trust with another relative as executor (my father’s parents were well off, although not extraordinarily wealthy, and were pretty astute with estate planning). The amount isn’t huge and I know my parents have the right to spend it on health and welfare as long as they live, so I may never see anything there anyway (which is perfectly ok – I live my life as if it doesn’t exist in case it runs dry). I am 100% sure my stepmother will do some more “accounting” on their other assets, though. I see no real way to fight that without even knowing what those assets are beyond the house they live in.
emeralds
I think this is all you can really do, and personally, I would feel an obligation to talk to my family member about it. But you need to get the stepmother out of the middle. I’m not sure there’s a great outcome, but if it’s still eating away at you (and it would totally eat away at me), all you can do is get it out the open.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Families and money can really just suck. Not to derail, but the next time my dad asks me for money, I might lose my sh*t. He makes six figures; I make $40k. It’s not my damned problem that he’s perennially broke because he spends money as soon as he makes it. But we did have an honest conversation about his properties last month, which took a load off my mind because I found out that his mortgage situation wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was. It was a conversation that I was dreading, but in the end I’m so glad we talked. Even if things had turned out to be worse than I was imagining, I would have been glad to know for sure. So OP, all you can do is clear the air.
Anon
Step-mother is deceiving your father, it sounds like. Because you’re specifically involved (as opposed to you meddling/acting on a hunch about something unrelated to you), I think it’s absolutely right for you to say something to your father.
Anon
But also, I think if I said something, I would also feel pretty obligated to cash the $5k check if I did end up getting it. Just sock it away somewhere and forget about it, but if you raise the issue, you should also cash it assuming the pot is stirred enough that it gets to you.
Anon
That’s the problem – I don’t want this to look like a money grab, but it’s also not an option to complain about it and then make a show of not cashing the check.
Anonymous
It obviously isn’t a money grab. He has repeatedly tried to give you the money. Stop being so cray and call him.
emeralds
You can also tell your dad that it isn’t about the money at this point, that you just wanted to tell him that you haven’t received the check after he’d told you that you would. It’s up to him (+ your stepmother) to decide what to do with that information.
You can even pitch it as, “Hey Dad, I know you said on [date] that you were sending that check we talked about. I haven’t gotten it yet and I wanted to let you know it might have gotten lost in the mail, which means someone else might have gotten access to your banking information. Just thought you should know in case you want to take a look at your credit report/check your statements/etc.”
S Tampa
That sounds like a good way to approach it–just totally keeping money records tight.
Is this the only way she’s deceiving him? I’d be concerned about that. Dad should know, so he can watch for other deceptions and decide if/when to say something to her.
tribble
Not necessarily. It’s fair to raise the issue so dad knows the check never got to OP. But OP can say, “Dad, this check has caused so many issues I don’t want it anymore. I just need you to know that I didn’t get it. Do with that information what you will.”
S in Chicago
I didn’t read your earlier messages, but going from what you’ve said here–you didn’t need the money and aren’t planning on needing it and nothing else has been said–I think you should be alone with your father and maybe say something like “I know you had offered X, and I just want you to know that after giving it thought I’m grateful that I’m able to be independent and have moved forward and won’t be needing it.” That makes it clear you’re not after money but still lets your dad know that you never received anything. If it is simply an oversight (which I don’t think it is), this gives the appearance of letting them know they should feel free to spend it since you won’t be needing it. If she did indeed give him the impression she sent it, it’s important your dad has the information to recognize the type of person he is married to. Mind you, he’ll surely ignore it as it sounds like this isn’t the first time the stepmother has been unkind. But it at least gives him a clear heads up that he should be trying to shield you in his planning and not just assume you’ll be looked after if he passes. He shouldn’t have trusted her with sending the check and this lets him come to his own conclusion on that without you attacking or accusing the stepmother outright. And that’s a far more powerful lesson than anything you could say anyway. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I’m actually a stepparent myself. I can’t even fathom having anything to do with what my husband would arrange for his son in such a circumstance.
Anon
Thank you for this. I might borrow that phrasing, and it could be good to get it into his head that he needs to take a more active role in estate planning. It’s sad because he would 100% distribute the money fairly to all the kids, but for whatever reason, my stepmom didn’t take to being a stepparent the way he did.
Anonymous
I’d leave it all alone and get myself therapy to untangle how I feel about it. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Anonymous
Omg speak. To. Your. Father. Directly.
I don’t understand remotely why you haven’t. You aren’t begging. You are communicating with your father.
Either call him today or move on. It’s absolutely ridiculous you are walking around resenting this and not doing anything to fix it.
Anon
I haven’t talked to him because it will blow up into an enormous conflict. He will fight with my stepmother about it, she’ll resent me for it, and it will color all family get-togethers for some time, even if I do my best to move past it. It can be hard for people to understand who didn’t grow up with dysfunctional families, but it’s never as easy as “just do it.”
Anon
Also, I feel like it makes it all worse because I’ve waited so long. Maybe I could have gotten away with “did it get lost in the mail” right after it happened, but after seven months?
Anonymous
Look either you’re going to call your dad and speak to him directly or not. Don’t make up some lie about getting lost in the mail. “Dad, I never got the $5,000 check you said you were sending. Did you change your mind about giving it to me? If you did that’s fine I just want to know.”
Anonymous
Then move on. Those are your options. Call you dad or get over it.
SA
Where I think you are mixed up is you didn’t do anything wrong. He offered the money. He said he would send them money. You didn’t receive it. You need to follow up.
The fact that it will blow up is the fault of your step mother. Stop protecting her. She did this.
Anonymous
This. By not saying anything you are protecting her. Protect him instead by telling him what is going on. Who knows what else she is lying to him about.
Torin
+1
The allocation of fault here is not on you. It’s on her.
Also seconding the recommendation someone made above for Captain Awkward. I also have some difficult family members and a lot of her advice has helped me frame how I deal with them. I wouldn’t say my relationship with any of the difficult people is any better, but I deal with my own emotions about it better.
PrettyPrimadonna
Right. And I am lowkey annoyed with Dad for leaving it to Stepmom to send the check in the first place. Why, when we all know she didn’t want OP to have the cash.
Senior Attorney
Yep. As Captain Awkward says, it’s uncomfortable because she made it uncomfortable. Tell your dad you didn’t get the check. He should know. And it’s barely possible that it did get lost in the mail or something.
Jax
Agree with all of this. She doesn’t deserve to be protected. She deliberately twisted your father’s gift into a “loan” (then tried to spin it when he called her out on it) and then followed that mess up by not sending the check.
Your dad thinks you got his money. You and step mom KNOW you didn’t get the money. She’s 100% counting on you to keep your mouth shut and letting her get away with it. She’s counting on you being a doormat and letting it go.
tribble
Sometimes conflict needs to be created. Your stepmother is banking on your conflict aversion in pulling (yet another) one over on your dad. Don’t be complicit in her actions.
Bonnie
It sounds like she already resents you. If you don’t address this now, you may have problems with your dad in the future if it comes out that you did not get the check and stayed silent.
Anonymous
You need to tell your father. But he needs go grow some balls and stand up to his wife!
Anon
Thanks all for the advice so far. It seems like the consensus is that I need to tell my dad, which I suppose I agree with deep down (otherwise I would have let this go). I’ll think about how best to bring it up; I do want to make it clear that we don’t want the money anymore, but when I said that the first time this was an issue, he was really upset about that because he really wanted it to be a special gift for us. It’s hard.
Cat
Call your dad, explain that you felt awkward bringing it up (hence the delay), but you never got the check. You’d considered pretending you received it, but keeping up that lie would just be difficult and unnecessary.
Then, if the money really means that much to him in a “pay it forward” sense, just let him give it to you! I’m not sure why you’re so resistant to accepting it.
SA
Then take the money and set it aside. Sounds like he may need it in the future with Step Mom’s “Accounting”
Anon in NYC
Then don’t stress to him how you don’t need/want the money. The money isn’t the point. He wants you to have it, so if he insists on giving you a check accept it graciously. The point is that you haven’t received it.
Anonymous
“Dad, it’s been a while since we discussed the money that you wanted to gift us. I know you wanted it to be a special gift for us, but we haven’t received it yet. We don’t need it, but thought it was important for you to know we hadn’t received it.” Then let him do with that information what he wants.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten great advice here, and the only thing I want to add is something I’ve learned from my own life (thanks, therapy!). Basically, the situation with your stepmother is already strained. So you are working very hard not to strain it even more. But the kicker is, she is going to keep ratcheting up the strain anyway. If you don’t talk to your dad about this, does it make the strain go away? No. Will family relationships be strained either way, regardless of what you do? Yes. So don’t let that stop you from making the right decision.
I don’t feel that I phrased that well, but looking at a situation that way really helped me with something going on in my life. I was working really hard to not make it worse and then realized it was getting worse ANYWAY, absolutely regardless of anything I was doing. So that wasn’t a good reason not to stand up for myself.
Plus, sounds like you love your dad, and he loves you, and you should honor that by having this conversation.
Torin
“I don’t feel that I phrased that well, but looking at a situation that way really helped me with something going on in my life. I was working really hard to not make it worse and then realized it was getting worse ANYWAY, absolutely regardless of anything I was doing. So that wasn’t a good reason not to stand up for myself.”
So many yesses to this.
Anon
OK, my final post before leaving for the day (I’m in a European timezone atm), but what do you all think of this potential phrasing based on the feedback I’ve received here (to be delivered in person?)
“Dad, I want to talk to you about something, and before I start, I’d like to ask you to not do anything about what I’m going to tell you. I wanted to let you know that Mom never sent that check to help us with the purchase last fall like she said that she would. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to cause trouble and because I value my independence, but I realized that it’s important for you to know because you had intended it to be a gift. At this point, I would prefer if we let it be in the past, but in the future, maybe you and I can work together directly on any gifts or any discussions about money.”
Thanks again, everyone, for the kick in the pants I think I needed. I know rationally this isn’t my fault, but it’s always tough when it’s family.
Anonymous
No sorry. Cut out all the blather about asking him not to do anything. He gets to do what he wants with the info and he should do something!
“Dad, I want to talk to you about something. I never received the check you said you would send me last year for $5,000. I didn’t bring it up right away because I didn’t want to cause trouble and because I value my independence, but I realized that it’s important for you to know because you had intended it to be a gift.”
cbackson
Do not ask him not to do anything about it. His wife is deceiving him, and he needs to know that – because this may not be the only instance of that deceit. He has a very clear right to act on this information.
The phrasing Anonymous at 1o:32 AM uses is good.
Cat
I agree with cbackson and co-sign Anon at 10:32 Eastern.
ELS
+1.
Senior Attorney
And also don’t tell him she never sent it. You don’t know that. All you know is that you didn’t receive it. Give him some face-saving cover, for Pete’s sake. I like Anonymous at 10:32, too.
Torin
Sometimes people want to give you gifts. And sometimes you have to let them. Accepting a gift does not make you a bad person or a money grubber.
BankrAtty
My mother has been trapped in a drama with her stepmother surrounding my grandfather’s estate (her father) for the past 1.5 years. My grandfather should have done a lot more to protect my mother’s interests. While he intended that she receive almost all of this assets, he didn’t structure his will or trust to accomplish this in a way that minimized the threat of litigation (and drama and heart break). I know this isn’t your situation, but I urge you to talk to your dad about your step mom’s behavior. It may affect a lot of his decisions going forward.
Money
Stepmom is 100% going to screw you out of everything if your dad passes away before she does. You will get nothing and your brother/her son will get all of it. The 5K pales in comparison to the havoc she is going to wreak on his estate if he doesn’t straighten it out now.
anon
Yep. Would bet on it. I work in trust and estates, and yep, yep, yep.
Better take the 5k if you want anything from him ever. Consider it your inheritance and money that you are taking to allow yourself to not be bitter about how badly she’s probably going to screw you over after he dies.
Anonymous
+1000. The deception on the small end is just the beginning–and who knows what is actually going on with the money–particularly if your dad is as unaware as you have portrayed. Isn’t this kinda the plot of Tommy Boy?
Rome
I’m going to Rome for 7 days this fall and would love some suggestions. We’re looking at staying in an apartment in Monti and need to do some of the requisite tourist stuff, but mostly just enjoy walking around everywhere, eating, drinking, and just taking it all in. Any tips? Thanks so much in advance!
emeralds
If you’re staying in Monti, make sure that you’re a good ways away from Termini Station–it can get a little shady (although not unsafe, just not very pleasant) in that direction. I would recommend looking in Trastevere if you’d like a central neighborhood that’s a great place to walk, eat, drink, and take in the city. It’s much cuter; Monti feels very much like your stereotypical big European city. If you don’t want to do Trastevere, the last time I was in Rome I stayed at Hub Pantheon, which fronts right onto the Pantheon. It was quiet, cute, and affordable if you don’t mind stairs and aren’t looking for someplace super-luxe. A friend stayed at Albergo del Senato, which is also in the square with the Pantheon and has a rooftop bar overlooking the old city.
I would definitely recommend seeing the Borghese Gallery. It’s my favorite museum (if not place) in the whole world. You’ll need a reservation ahead of time. Plan on exploring the Borghese Gardens while you’re out there–perfect place for a picnic, as long as the weather’s nice.
Other than that, wander and enjoy!
AIMS
Second Trestevere.
Also – go to the pizzarium and get all the pizzas you can eat.
If you’re doing touristy stuff, the official tourist offices are super helpful, you can get a city pass to skip lines and they’ll tell you the best days to go to avoid crowds.
Sharon
+1 to Trastevere
Anonymous
Trastevere is inconvenient to public transit though. If you plan to take the subway around, you want to be located in one of the more central neighborhoods. We stayed near Termini and although our neighborhood was not particularly cute, I never felt unsafe and it was very easy to get to the Colosseum, Vatican, Spanish Steps and Pantheon on public transit. If you stay in Trastevere you’ll probably have to take cabs quite a bit more.
Anonymous
+ to Albergo del Senato. It is a great location and I’ve stayed there a number of times!
Sassyfras
When you visit the Colosseum, get lunch at Zizzi pizza afterwards. It’s amazing!
CHS
We stayed in Monti for our last trip to Rome and absolutely loved it. A short walk to the Foro and Colosseo, but more of a true neighborhood feel to me than some of the more touristy areas. There was a great gelato place around the corner…Fatamorgana?…and many wonderful wine bars. I also bought a dress from a dressmaker in the neighborhood, and we had a number of delicious meals right there, while still being able to easily launch out into other parts of the city.
Other things:
– get tix for the Scavi tour at the Vatican
-get tix for Friday night at the Vatican museums (yes, both visits are worth it). Much less crowded, gorgeous sunset from inside gardens. And get pizza beforehand at Pizzarium.
-Look up Katie Parla for food and bar recs
-Baths of Caracalla are great
-walk walk everywhere. Rome is especially gorgeous at night, so I’d save some energy for covering some serious ground after twilight
-the keyhole at the Knights of Malta and neighboring gardens on Aventine hill are lovely and worth the hike
-Enjoy!
Rome
Thank you so much! I’m intrigued about having a dress made. Do you remember where you had it done?
Ms B
Gelato at Tre Crispini, not far from the Trevi Fountain.
Sharon
Love Rome! We went in October 2016. We ate gelato everyday and did so much walking that we didn’t gain weight from it :) Download Rick Steves’ audioguides through Italy and you won’t regret it. Very informative tours of many of the beautiful museums and tourist spots (including a Trastevere neighborhood walk) for free!
Restaurant recs:
Ostaria Da Nerone near the Colosseo (get the panna cotta!)
Panificio Mosca near the Vatican (AMAZING pizza and bread and locals eat there)
Forno in Campo de Fiori is a tourist spot but really good pizza and bread too (not as good as Mosca, above)
Taverna Trilussa Trastevere (beautiful, get there early)\
If you have time, I recommend taking the high-speed rails or a day trip to Tuscany. It is every bit as beautiful as photos show.
Have fun and stay safe!
nutella
Rome is awesome at night and so many of the sights are awesome at night (Spanish Steps, all the fountains!) so you can plan your day accordingly. I think you really don’t need to go inside the Colosseum to appreciate it but you should definitely go inside the Forum (these are typically a combo ticket, but the Colosseum line is much longer). You should really check out the Vatican and the Borghese Gardens, but there is simply too much to see and do in Rome so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t catch it all. Enjoy la dolce vita, and take long leisurely lunches, coffees, dinners, and gelatos! Cacio e pepe is a Roman specialty and just so, so, so good. Order it! If you find yourself near Al Moro, try to go (you may need to put your name in a couples days in advance). For gelato, Giolitti really has some of the best flavors and lets you sample. Be amazed at just how many languages the scoopers speak!
emeralds
The pro-est pro tip is to enter at the Palatine Hill (entrance is down the big street, past the giant triumphal arch). I’ve been at least six times and I’ve never not been able to walk right in, even with ridiculous high-season lines at both the Colosseum and the Forum.
Anonymous
Speaking of your username, the Nutella flavor at Giolitti is to die for it. It tastes more like fudge than ice cream. So, so rich.
Anonymous
If you’re looking for a day trip, I really liked Orvieto. Easy trip by train and cute town known for white wines.
Anonymous
Al Pompiere in the Jewish Ghetto!
Online/Skype Language Tutors?
Yesterday’s post on renewing and maintaining hobbies had me thinking about taking French lessons again. I’ve taken some terrific classes at the French language school in my city, but kept falling behind/was unable to make classes given my biglaw work schedule. Has anyone tried any skype or online language tutors? I need something more than just software (which I have), and am hoping the live classes and interaction would help hold me accountable while providing some flexibility. I probably have low-intermediate French abilities; I can converse decently in present, past and imperfect but fall behind when it comes to subjunctive and conditional tenses and anything more advanced than that. I’ve read a bit about italki, verbling, hellotalk and live lingua but reviews haven’t been that helpful thus far. I would appreciate any insight or recommendations!
BabyAssociate
This isn’t online, but if you’re in a major city, I’d highly recommend classes at the Alliance Francaise.
Neanderthal browbone
Several of my friends have had good experiences with Skype language lessons. They went ton a private tutor though, not any of the companies you mention.
pugsnbourbon
I did this for a while! I ultimately didn’t stick with it because it was a pretty hefty time commitment, but I liked the instructional format.
Bonnie
I took language classes at an evening school and just went into it with the understanding that I would miss some classes. When classes got to be too tough, I paid for one-on-one lessons. It was a native speaker who was a grad student in my city so the lessons were reasonably priced and he worked with my schedule.
need a script
I’m going to turn down a job offer today. It is a great offer but I’m just not ready to make a move yet. Any tips on what to say?
Anonymous
Did you interview for the position? Is there anything they could do to make the offer good enough for you to accept?
If you sought out the position, I feel like it’s pretty disingenuous to say you’re not ready to make a move yet. If it’s a start-date issue, you can certainly work with the (potential new) employer on that.
If it’s out of the blue, or you didn’t really otherwise seek it out, say something like, “Thank you for the offer. Unfortunately, I am not able to accept due to [current projects at your job / current personal obligations precluding a move / etc.]. I hope our paths cross again in the future.”
need a script
The company reached out to me but I did interview. Im in advertising, not a lawyer, but the move would be similar to going from in house to a firm (client to agency). It’s not right for me right now. But I wasn’t sure of that when I was interviewing. I wouldn’t say it was disingenuous. When you’re interviewing, you’re deciding whether the position is right for you, just as much as the company is interviewing you.
Anon
Then say, “this is not a fit for me right now” full stop. No explanations needed and it’s not a lie at all.
Anonymous
“Thank you for the opportunity — I really enjoyed getting to know more about XYZ agency in the process. After considering, I have to decline at this time. I know XYZ agency has a great reputation in the industry, and I look forward to working together in the future!”
Anonymous
I accepted a contingent offer but withdrew before final offer (it was a position with a lot of investigations, clearances, etc.)
I said something to the effect of, “Thank you so much for the opportunity, but I accepted a retention offer at my current position and so have to withdraw my candidacy.”
If there’s a reason you’re not accepting, you could say that. Getting an offer is in no way an obligation to move for any reason, even if you proactively looked for it. You could always just say you have other opportunities available, even at your current company, and are going to pursue those.
Bloated
Ugh. After a week of July 4th-related poor decisions I woke up this morning feeling bloated and gross. I’m staring down the barrel of a weekend filled with more beer and junk food filled events (close friend’s birthday) but I’ve reached the point where indulging feels like work. Tips for helping the bloat and limiting the unhealthy food without seeming like a party pooper?
anon
Instead of beer, how about hard seltzer or flavored sparkling water with your choice of liquor? I like the Nauti Seltzer and Truly Seltzer- neither are overly sweet.
If you can bring food, bring a veggie tray with lots of crunchy choices. Or, all the melon and berries that are in season now.
Anon
+1 to Truly!
Torin
If you really think you won’t be able to just not eat anything at these events as suggested below (which I totally get because I have been there!) these are good alternates. La Croix and Perrier also make unsweetened flavored fizzy water. Throw in a shot of good quality vodka or gin and it actually tastes pretty good.
Anonymous
Just don’t.
A- multiple events? You get one birthday event!
B- people care less than you think
C- just don’t make a big deal of it. “Oh tummy just a bit off.”
Anonymous
+1
Eat something healthy and drink water before you go so you aren’t hungry. Then just don’t eat or drink unhealthy stuff. Have one drink and nurse it. If your friends are shaming you because you don’t eat cake or drink 5 beers, your friends suck.
Bloated
I should’ve clarified- birthday Saturday, but other stuff planned for the weekend on top of the birthday! I agree, you get ONE birthday event and that’s it!
Fortunately my friends won’t comment on how much or how little I eat or drink, it’s more an issue of self-control. No matter how gross I feel now, I have a tendency to forget that once I get into a group setting.
Anonymous
Oh gotcha! For that I just try and focus on the positive. I try and say yes to water and fruit salad and ordering vegetables. Focusing on the pros instead of what not to eat just feels better.
Linda from HR
“multiple events? You get one birthday event!”
Eh, I know people who plan a few small get-togethers, or a weekend series of fun (inexpensive!) activities, in the hopes that all of their friends can attend at least one thing, with no pressure on anyone to attend everything. I keep thinking I’m gonna do something similar because my friends are always busy with other commitments around the time of my birthday and I can never find a single night that works for everyone, but I always space on planning until it’s too late. Normally I have a family dinner, and a small get-together with friends.
M.S.
Can you limit yourself to water/seltzer, or at least clear liquor, and eat some protein/veggies before you go?
Anonymous
In these situations, I always grab the type of wine/beer/mixed drink I like the least, which forces me to unintentionally nurse a drink (and drink fewer as a result) just because I can’t stand the taste of whatever I grabbed.
Bloated
Haha I love this approach!
Anon
Yep! Rum and diet coke for me (I just gagged in my mouth).
SA
This would be Chardonnay for me, blech!
Anon
Just don’t indulge? People aren’t going to notice and aren’t going to care.
H
Eat something healthy and filling before you go.
pugsnbourbon
Stay hydrated – try to drink water throughout the day today and prior to the event.
PEN
a (perhaps) weird recommendation requests:
(1) Flush mount light fixture for a kids play room? Room currently has two light fixtures.
(2) Outdoor fan for front porch of an early Victorian home
AIMS
(1) the IKEA cloud fixture. Looks way better in person than online and is inexpensive. I looked at a lot of ‘nicer’ ones and am super happy I ended up with the IKEA one.
AIMS
For (2) look at rejuvenation; I really like a lot of their stuff.
Anon
For outdoor, not sure if it works outdoors but I think the aesthetic would be good for a porch and we have it and have been happy with it (in a sunroom): Lapa Ceiling Fan with Optional Light by Period Arts
anon
on Amazon, Modway 12″ Caboche Style Ceiling Fixture
C
Wish the blue floral version of that top wasn’t so obviously translucent, but I guess that’s a lot to ask of a $20 piece of clothing.
Anon
Yup, it is.
Baconpancakes
Does anyone actually know how to keep curls from falling, or is that a lie fashion magazines have sold us? I use pre-heat spray and blast it with hairspray before it cools, but before I’ve even the second side of my head, the first side is falling flat. It seems worse when I’ve thoroughly washed my hair instead of just running shampoo through it. Help? Products, techniques, youtube videos?
anon
Slightly dirty hair may work better here as clean hair can be slippery. Can you wash your hair the night before? Or the morning of if you need to curl it for an evening event?
Anonymous
For the record, this isn’t true for my hair (so might not be for yours) – my 2nd (and 3rd and 4th day) hair is more slippery because it’s more smooth. So, the adage doesn’t work for everyone.
OP, if you haven’t tried dirty hair, do it, for the sake of knowing, but it’s not a guarentee.
Baconpancakes
Sorry, I wasn’t clear, this is second and third day hair. Most of the time I don’t really scrub with shampoo (yes I am a dirty person), I just half-heartedly wash my roots. This time I washed twice with shampoo, really scrubbed the entire hair shaft, and it seems worse.
nutella
I’m guessing even though this was 2nd/3rd day hair, it was still cleaner than normal, which makes it more slippery. My hair holds curl easily but I am not sure if that is a function of how I style my hair or my hair itself, but here is how I do it:
Hair spray or texturize your hair beforehand (honestly I don’t even do this anymore), I use a curling wand (I can use curling irons with clamps but just hate them) and set it pretty hot (use the glove!! I set it to 400 and mine has a digital screen so I see it ‘pre-heating’), hold the curling wand downward but parallel to your head/perpendicular to the floor (this ensures the curl goes up higher and not just a small curl at the very end) and wrap the hair around it from top to bottom. I have thick hair and hold it there for probably about 10 seconds (again, the glove!) because you need the outside of the hair spiral to get hot for the curl to hold. Another tip, try to wrap your hair flat around the wand (i.e think of your hair chunk as a flat ribbon as opposed to a rope/twine), because the twists within the chunk of hair will curl differently or even straighten if they arent all laying the same way. From there I just drop it and move on to the next chunk but if you are really having a hard time holding curl, use one of those duck clips and pin the curl in place. I realized a friend of mine who couldn’t get a curl was ‘unwrapping’ her hair, which is why it was’t working. If your hair isn’t a spiral when you remove the wand, it won’t hold later. The way to do this is to wrap the hair around the wand and when it’s time, pull the wand up and out — not the hair, which will be sitting in a spiral now. (Again, why I love the wand over the clamp.)
Move on throughout your hair and do NOT touch them with your hands until you are completely done. Depending on how much hair you are doing, by the end of it, the first chunk might be cool. I have thick and long hair so this takes me a solid 5-10 minutes where I walk around looking like Little Bo Peep with straight up ringlets. Complete cooling is essential and sometimes I do a bunch of other stuff around the house and don’t touch my hair until I’m ready to leave. Hairspray it (again, I now skip this and my hair holds even after sleeping in it for 2 days) and then you can style it. Comb it with your fingers, comb it with a wide tooth comb, or brush them out. For big waves you should brush them out (and need to use at least 1″ thick wand). For beachy waves, comb with your fingers. If the curls are sitting too high on your head or you want waves, you can run a straightener over it gently. (This is actually best addressed by how you wrap your hair around the wand, but I thought I’d give you the basics.) So really what it boils down to is: *All* of your hair needs to get hot, then *all* of your hair needs to completely cool. Hairspray before and after for extra help. Place/wrap hair correctly for it to look nice.
anon
You shouldn’t wash your hair at all. Not even “running shampoo through it”. It should be second or third day hair.
Anonymous
Hold the curls in place long enough for the hair to thoroughly cool in that position. I blow dry a slight bend into my hair and then hold it in place with velcro rollers until it’s thoroughly cool. Then hair spray. Or, hit it with a blast of cool air from the dryer, to cool it down.
That said, I have essentially straight hair and don’t expect much curl or hold from it. It’s just not going to happen, particularly in humid summer months, when it’s hit by wind, or in anything less than optimal conditions.
Anonymous
Product: Bumble and Bumble Volumizing Hairspray (the liquid one, not the aerosol) — spray it on hair before you curl, brush through and let it dry.
Also +1 for second day hair. Some dry shampoo at the roots helps too. I can sometimes get away with washing the night before and curling in the AM but true second or even third day is the best. And I have oil slick hair.
Anonymous
Sounds like you’re using a curling iron? I had never had success with one until I bought a ceramic curling wand. (I think it’s conair – not fancy) It takes time to learn how to do it correctly (check out youtube!) and you *must* wear the glove that comes with it, but now I can get curls that actually stay for 24 hours.
Anonymous
Same. My hair does not hold a curl, unless I use the Conair curling wand, and then it’s magic.
Anonymous
Hair spray –> curler –> hair spray –> pin the curl so it stays curled while you do the rest of your head –> hair spray –> un-pin –> hair spray.
New Jersey hair dressers got your back on this.
LAnon
Hair that was washed the day before + product (like styling cream) put in before curling + hot rollers + hairspray is the only combination that works for me.
Hair
The only way I’ve ever gotten curls to keep is use hot rollers, so the curl cools in place, or to prep my clean damp hair with salt spray, dry it, then curl. My curling apparatus of choice is a curling wand (probably the Conair one – pink and purple) mentioned above, because I like the curl it gives better.
But even then, the curl I get does still soften over the course of the day, but doesn’t go flat. I think it helps that I’ve got hair with a natural wave to it, so it takes to curls more easily than straighter hair might.
It could also be that your curling iron needs to be hotter than the current setting you are using. The heat is meant to open the cuticle of the hair, and then cool in the new, curled shape. The heat setting you are currently using might not be enough to open up the cuticle, or your cuticle may just not be amenable to cooling in the new curled shaped.
Anon
My hair is very reluctant to hold a curl and this tutorial is the thing that finally got curls working for me. Link to follow. I’ve also had hair stylists pin my curls up and leave them there for 30 minutes or so until they are absolutely 100% cool. That seems to make a huge difference, but I can’t seem to be bothered to do it myself.
Anon
http://sidewalkready.com/2013/10/traditional-curl-tutorial/
anon
Use a volumizing shampoo, not a moisturizing type, and use conditioner VERY sparingly on just the ends – nothing on the roots or upper part of hair. Don’t use product in your hair. You’ll find that it holds a curl better this way.
Turtle
I’ve had a lot of luck using a setting foam while it’s wet (if you have straight or thin hair, one or two pumps should do), drying it, then curling it with the curling iron. The setting foam will keep your hair in place and make your hair just tacky enough to hold a curl and make it less slippery, without making it crunchy or heavy. I’ve used Jane Carter Solution Roll and Wrap Foam (you can find this at Whole Foods and some Targets) and LottaBody Wrap Foaming Mousse (I have seen it at Sally’s Beauty chain). These also do really really well with hot rollers; your curls won’t move since they were primarily designed to be used with roller sets.
anon
Same. Curling mousse while damp (or even setting spray if I’m really serious about it), blow dry and then curl. I use hot rollers and after setting them and they cool, pull out the pins, let the curls stay in place until they are also cool, then brush/tousle and spritz with hairspray.
Anonymous
The Babyliss Miracurl gives me amazing curls that I can’t achieve with a curling iron. I highly recommend it – they last for days!
Eye health
I regularly wake up with red eyes and lots of “eye gunk” (sorry for the visual) and I can’t figure out the cause other than having a history of dry eye. I wash my sheets weekly, vacuum to keep dust down, have a latex mattress that is supposed to be impervious to dust mites, and take fish oil for eye health. Nothing seems to help. Does anyone have any ideas about what this could be caused be? I’d prefer to try at-home remedies before jumping to an expensive appointment with a specialist.
Anonymous
Have you asked your GP? When my toddler’s eyes are gunky and crusty but not yet at the pink eye/eye infection stage, her GP advised gently cleaning them with a damp washcloth (warm water and a small amount of J+J baby soap). Just cleaning your eyes morning and evening may help. Or eyedrops?
Pompom
Do you eyes ever feel like they are grainy, or that your lash line is irritated? Or that your eyelid skin gets dry? I experience all of these things, plus the things you’ve described, and it is blepharitis (what a se x x x y name!). Mine is related to rosaecea, and is definitely inflamed by a few things: 1) eye makeup, so no eyeliner for me and very light mascara only; 2) poor eyelid hygiene (I have to scrub my eyelids with TheraTears eyelid wash after removing any makeup), and 3) using eyecreams. I cannot use most eye creams before bed–or ever–more than 1x week.
Talk to your derm or an eye doc, either may be able to get you started.
Eliza
+1 to all of this. I struggled for 6 years with similar symptoms before my dermatologist suggested it was ocular rosacea. It took 3 months of 200mg doxycycline daily to get it under control. It was incredibly frustrating at the time.
Go see a doctor. Your vision is nothing to mess with and if this gets worse or more persistent, it will be more difficult to get under control.
Anonymous
Go. To. The. Damn. Doctor.
You only get two eyes.
You’ve tried home remedies. Now try actual medicine.
Anon
I’m sure you don’t realize it, but your comment style with periods separating every word is a little…hostile. Maybe cut people some slack?
Anonymous
Nah that was deliberate!! She should go to the doctor!!
Xoxo internet stranger giving good advice because she’s genuinely worried.
Anon
+1
Anon
Do you take an allergy pill? My eyes are often most affected by allergens, even if I’m not sneezing or otherwise showing effects.
Eyes
I do take an allergy pill, but I think I’m immune to it – I’ve heard your body can become less responsive to OTC allergy meds if you take them for a long time. I’m going to switch to a new brand as soon as I can.
And so far, it hasn’t been SO severe that I feel like I need to rush off to the doctor, but I definitely want to be more comfortable and to make sure it isn’t extremely serious. It sounds like it’s probably blepharitis based on how my symptoms match Pompom’s comment…
Anonymous
But you aren’t a doctor, so you can’t properly diagnose yourself. I don’t understand why people mess around with the health of their eyes.
Never too many shoes...
I know this sounds elementary, but are you sleeping with open windows rather than air conditioning? I love open windows and breeze, but my allergies are way worse if I leave them open at night rather than running the air con.
Torin
Even if the allergy medicine isn’t effective at controlling your allergies anymore, it might still be drying out your eyes. I take Allegra and Singular daily and it really dries out my eyes and sinuses, in addition to the anti-allergy/asthma effects.
Agree if this is bothering you you should go see a doctor. While there, tell them what medication you’re taking.
mascot
Post Lasik I had dry eye for a while. My doctor told me to use Refresh Celluvisc at night- it’s thick so things are blurry for a minute right after you apply it. You only get one set of eyes though so seeing an eye doctor is prudent for ongoing issues.
Neanderthal browbone
Hayfevery or other environmenal allergies? Sometimes sinus issues present in new ways. You might try a steamy shower or a big mug of tea right before bed.
If you think there is any chance if infection, get thee to a doctor. And of course, if it’s bad enough, I trust you will use good judgment and go to the doctor.
CPA Lady
Why do you need to go to an expensive specialist? Why cant you just go to the regular eye doctor? You’re supposed to do that every year or two anyway.
Cat
Yep, this. Just make an appointment at your local eye doctor. Most people have at least basic vision plans (covering an appointment a year and something towards glasses/contacts) through work…
Anonymous
I think your regular health insurance covers eye exams as well (at least for now, since it’s preventative care), though not for glasses/contacts. Just go!
lucy stone
I get this a lot too, and it’s allergenic for me. I go to the doctor any time it’s bad enough to crust my eyelids in the morning. You don’t even need an eye doctor for this – I see the NP at our employee clinic!
Anonymous
This is likely just dry eye again. Go to the drug store and buy some of the eye ointment drops. Not just the liquid eye drops…. look for the thicker/heavy duty stuff specifically for dry eye overnight. Drop that in right before you fall asleep (it is thick, so impairs your vision a little so just do it in bed if you can).
Then see how your eyes are in the morning. If they aren’t better, see the eye doctor.
Anon
I get this when I become allergic to my mascara, which seems to happen after 6-12 months of use (not of the same tube, but of the same brand). I have to keep rotating to find one I’m not allergic to. Try a few days without eye makeup and see if it makes any difference.
ChristinaL
Are you sleeping on a down pillow or with a down comforter, by chance? If so, it could be an allergy to dust mites and you’ll see relief if you get rid of the down.
Anonymous
fish oil may have some utility in preventing macular degeneration with age (weak evidence), but wouldn’t change how prone your eyes are to infection or non-infectious inflammation.
Sweetknee
I would like some advice from the hive on how to best help my 18 year old. She is heading off to college in a few weeks, but she has had a rough summer and I am at a loss for advice.
She had a long term boyfriend for a couple of years in HS. They broke up earlier this year, and it was not an issue. She then later dated a teammate ( let’s call him “X”) from her running team for three months. She broke it off a week or two ago since he will be remaining in high school and she is heading to college, and because he was getting increasingly controlling and clingy. He is her same chronological age, but a year back because of when his birthday is. As far as I can tell, she was pretty mature about the breakup. She and the teammates of the running team are pretty close, and all hang out together doing different activities during the summer. There are many more boys than girls on the team.
It seems now that X is going around to all of the guys on the team (most of whom are her friends too), telling them that they did all sort of sexual things, which is totally untrue. A few of her friends told him that he was being a jerk, and to cut it out, but apparently others are somewhat believing it and repeating it. To top it off, her younger brother is on the team too.
I told her that I am so sorry that this has happened, and that really this says a lot more about X than it does about her. I also told her that slut shaming is really the “go to” when some men get their feelings hurt and can’t think of anything else to do. I also told her that she will probably not see many of these people ever again after she goes to college, and that this is probably just something that will have to die out on its own. Her little brother is trying to tamp down some of the talk, but I am not sure how successful it will be.
To clarify, I am not worried about what the people are saying, since it is untrue, and even if it were true, is no basis for shame. However, she is very upset, and I want to try to think of the best things to tell her. Any advice?
Moonstone
This story bums me out, especially your very true statement about slut-shaming being the “go to.” Maybe just try to distract her a bit with her favorite things — an outing, or watching rom-coms, or whatever? I feel like so many young women have experienced this. It hurts so much at that age.
Anon
I would second this advice. I am 30, and went through a difficult period of bullying my freshman year of high school (so 16 years ago). I still fondly remember one Friday night when I had no plans, because none of my friends were talking to me, and my mom gave me a manicure. It’s going to suck, and you can’t stop it from sucking, but you can provide some distractions for her in the mean time. It sounds like you are already telling her the right things.
Anon
I’m sorry this happened. I would recommend reconsidering whether you want the phrase “slut shaming” to be associated with your daughter, though. I would potentially rephrase it as “men often reveal their inner misogyny when…” to put the blame back where it belongs. Obviously “slut shaming” is a popular term these days, but if you think about what it means, it merely reinforces the idea that sexual women are “sluts.”
Overall, though, I think all you can do is what you’re doing – encourage her, make her see that this isn’t a reflection on her, and help her stay confident and above the rumors. It’s a challenge, but she will grow because of this.
Anonymous
Agree….. try to avoid that phrase with your daughter (although if she has now heard it, she wont forget it). Because there is also a possibility that she did some of the things mentioned, and now feels shame/embarrassment/guilt… whatever. Which is wrong.
Because just by saying that phrase, you are indicating that it is appropriate to call a sexually active woman a slut.
Anonymous
Just for clarification, she is the one who used the phrase in talking to me,
Lilliet
I think you support her by acknowledging that high school boys s*ck for this very reason. There isn’t anything she can do about it, and her little brother shouldn’t spend time on it either. The more focus there is on “correcting” the rumors, the longer they stay around/seem true. Her best revenge is to be happy and try to look like she doesn’t care. Easier said than done, high school rumors are the worst. She (& her brother) can’t spend time defending her honor to someone who clearly has no respect for her. The best they can do is have some good comebacks if they are around when it’s talked about again, “X is really an a_s hat, even if Daughter did [rumors] no girl will want to follow in her foot steps with him the way he’s treating her.” This logic is probably lost on most the teen-ears that will hear it, but not all.
anon
I know it’s the hardest thing, but it might help to reframe your thinking a little bit. She’s upset because she has a good reason to be upset, because someone treated her poorly. I think it’s much more important for you to be there for her than to tell her the right things (beyond what you’ve already told her, which is perfect). Just make some extra time to be around for her, even if you’re not talking or doing something together. If she watches a movie at home, plop down on the couch. Ask if she wants to join you for a trip out to get ice cream, but don’t force it. Don’t bring the subject up unless she does, so that she can have some time with you where she doesn’t have to think about what’s going on. She’ll hurt for a while, and come out stronger and wiser. The pain is the best way to learn what type of guys to avoid.
Anonymous
Also if you think she would be receptive to this kind of thinking (I would have been at 18 yrs old), re-frame the situation for her like this:
she’s going to college (!) in a few weeks. all these high school assholes and drama will be left behind. Those jerks will get what is coming to them — and living well is the best revenge. She’s going to have a great time and meet all new people and her whole world is going to open up beyond the small HS running team.
Even without this drama, people tend to drop/fall away from their high school friends when they go to college anyway. She is faced with the perfect breakaway and while the whole situation is upsetting – the running team people have shown true colors and who they really are. Perfect time to get away from them.
TL:DR eff high school. college is way better.
Anonymous
Contact the coach. This is not okay and needs to stop. It’s a good sign that they are talking to you about what’s going on.
And I don’t want to scare you, but I heard about this situation in Canada and it’s terrifying what young girls face these days : http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/not-surprising-hannah-leflars-friends-say-dozens-of-teens-knew-she-was-in-danger-1.4190254
Anon
+500 contact the coach. This is absolutely not ok and should be handled.
Senior Attorney
+1,000,000
Aunt Jamesina
Yup. I’m a former high school teacher, and was going to say that you should contact either the coach or possibly her counselor, depending on the relationship. This boy needs someone to read him the riot act. I’m also impressed with your daughter talking to you about this.
Clementine
One of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me when I was getting through a rough middle school/high school time was: ‘You know, some people peak in High School, but isn’t that sad for them? Imagine going through life knowing that your best days are past. You haven’t peaked yet and that’s okay.’
And you know what? She was right.
BankrAtty
Your daughter may remember your reaction to this more than she remembers X’s behavior. You’ve communicated to her that she has nothing to be ashamed of, that sex isn’t shameful, that X is wrong, and men shouldn’t behave this way. Good job, mamma.
Anon
+100
Anon
Yup, I would have been thrilled with this reaction from my mother. Also, you could consider asking if she wants your help speaking with the coach. I would have been mortified if my mother talked to my coaches without me. But if she empowered me to speak up, I think that would have helped more in the long run.
Snick
This is defamation. I’d threaten legal action and involve his parents. So sick of the “boys will be boys” response.
Senior Attorney
Yes. It shouldn’t be on her to just deal with it. There should be consequences for this behavior.
Absolutely
Definitely agree with this. Contact the coach and let the parents know you’re calling an attorney. Not exactly the same situation, but my high school ex-boyfriend did this to me, and I called his mom and tattled. That was fifteen years ago, but she took his keys away and made him quit soccer. Heh.
anon
Whoa seriously? Go you! That’s amazing.
Anon
Also agreed. When this happened to me in high school, my mom called his mom and the principal. He shut up real fast.
Sally
Something similar happened to me in high school and my mother’s advice was to look the gossipers directly in the eye and say “what’s your point?”
It is amazingly effective and I use it to this day. “Sally gave Joe a blow job in the locker room”
“What’s your point?”
“Uhhh…” or “sally is slutty”
“Ok…what’s your point?”
Eventually you always get to shutdown, because the POINT is “talking shit about sally makes me feel better about myself”.
Neanderthal browbone
Whoever thought of putting a tiny flashlight between the prongs of tweezers was a genius. I don’t know if these are new or just new to me, but I can’t recommend them highly enough.
SA
What a brilliant idea! I need these!
Anonymous
Brand name or link, please?
Never too many shoes...
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Revlon-15119-Spotlight-Tweezer-with-LED-Technology-1-0-CT/16676975
Neanderthal browbone
Mine are revlon, bought them at RiteAid. Not the best tweezers I’ve ever had, but not the worst either.
Never too many shoes...
Oh, yes. There are amazing!
Never too many shoes...
I want to say Revlon. I definitely bought mine at the drugstore.
Minnie Beebe
Yes! I received a pair as a free add-on to some other purchase (cannot recall what it was) and they’re surprisingly awesome! I keep mine at work, where the lighting is not great, for emergency chin hair removals.
Book Suggestions for 30th Birthday?
Book suggestion for a dear friend’s 30th birthday? She is single and still trying to figure out her career. Open to any suggestions – maybe something inspirational or meaningful about life, friendship, and/or outlook. I was considering Happiness Project but I know she has been feeling lonely as more and more friends are getting married off or having kids, and I remember the beginning of the book really centering around her family (though I could be wrong). Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Oh god no please please no. I promise no person wants any sort of self help book for her birthday.
If you want to get her a book because she loves to read, get her The Essex Serpent or Crazy Rich Asians or The Muse or Into the Water. Order it from her local independent bookstore and toss in a gift card.
tribble
Yeah… do not even think the word “inspirational” at the same time you’re thinking of your friend lest you accidentally say something unfortunate. Doubly so if you are in a loving relationship and/or have a career that’s on some kind of track. This is how well-meaning people become condescending jerks.
If she’s lonely maybe spend some time with her? Tickets to a concert, ziplining, amusement park, brewery/winery/distillery tour, yoga class, massage, mani/pedi?
Shopaholic
Nope. I’m turning 30 soon and single and if one of my friends gave me a self-help book, it would make me feel worse.
If you want to give her a book, either a great novel or something aligned with her interests? A friend bought me a book about famous women and fashion for my birthday a few years ago and I really appreciated it because I do love fashion.
I also recently bought myself a coffee table book about successful women called in the company of women and while I haven’t read it all the way through yet, I’ve flipped through it and love it.
Photo Ark
+1 – no self help, that says you see her as broken and needing fixing.
For my last birthday, brother and SIL got me a book full of neat animal pictures call The Photo Ark, from a Nat’l Geo photographer. It’s a project to document all the types of endangered animals in zoos and reserves. Get her something like that instead – that recognizes you know her interests and likes, not just her (perceived) problems.
Anon
Same! I would feel so condescended to! And would probably not want to be around that friend for a long time.
Anonymous
I agree with the above posters. She doesn’t want you to tell her how to make her life better by doing XYZ for a birthday which many women get upset about. Buy her something fun, get a fun experience gift for the two of you, or whatever, but don’t buy her a self help book.
Anondc
I echo everyone else’s sentiments – a self help book is a bad idea (also can come across as condescending tbh…). So I think you should give her something to treat herself like a massage or spa day at a place she likes and call it a day. If youre adamant about giving her a book just give her the latest book by her favorite author or something.
Anon
Yeah, definitely don’t get her a self-help book. I think a coffee table book would be perfect because some are completely gorgeous and gift-worthy and people often don’t buy them for themselves. Find one that relates to her hobbies or classic art or fashion or something and stay clear of the self-help aisle.
C
Joan Didion. Always Joan Didion. There’s a nice edition of her collected works (excluding The Year of Magical Thinking) on Amazon titled “We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live,” or you could go with a single volume of Slouching Toward Bethlehem or The White Album. I love recommending her work because she’s an amazing writer and because her essays have the ability to speak to you in different ways at different points in your life.
Anon
My father did that, but they were relationship self-help books, and I was livid, especially since he never gave his kids relationship advice, and the one time in my mid-20s when he saw me hugging an (admittedly drunk) ex (he didn’t know the guy was an ex), he frowned for quite a bit. Unfortunately, I felt ashamed until realizing that many people are married with kids in their mid-20s.
Anon
Do not do this.
anon for this
Do not do this. Ughg. I’m in your friend’s position and I would be hurt/mortified if someone did this. The best way to help a friend who is lonely because all her friends are off living their Best Lives ™ is to spend meaningful time with her. My friends did this for me for my last birthday, and I couldn’t have asked for more. The joy of spending time with them and also that they took the initiative- so I didn’t feel like I was searching for ways to spend my birthday without a partner or feel like I was dragging them away from partners/babies.
Also, can we not with the notion that women who are single at 30 are because they are doing something wrong? Thx.
AIMS
I agree that self help may not be the way to go but maybe Mindy Kaling’s books would be a good variation on a theme. Full of genuinely good advice but funny and not patronizing.
January
+1 to Mindy Kaling. I don’t think The Happiness Project is a bad suggestion, necessarily – it’s sort of a mix of memoir and self-help and I found it helpful the last time I was at a crossroads. But she may be better off buying that kind of book herself.
Anon
Dear Sugar – Cheryl Strayed. It’s so great.
Also I love Mindy Kaling and that might be a little more subtle?
Anon
I found A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini to be extremely inspirational and moving and there are themes about friendship, bonds between women, etc throughout. It’s a work of fiction containing the elements you described. I read it every summer.
Linda from HR
A lot of people dislike self-help books, at least those they didn’t pick out themselves. I will admit that I roll my eyes at the whole section at the bookstore, although I did just buy the book Adulting, but that’s because I love the blog and was hungry for more from that particular writer. But if someone *gave* me that book without me asking, I’d be pretty upset. It would sound like “here honey, you need this more than you realize.”
Anonymous
I love Mindy Kaling and Cheryl Strayed but I would hesitate to give those books to a friend, especially if the friend was single and not doing well career-wise and I was coupled and doing well in my career. Even if she might enjoy the books if she bought them herself, as a gift from you it could easily be interpreted as smug or condescending. I would just get her a novel or something else entirely.
Senior Attorney
Agree with everyone else about no self-help books.
If she loves books, it’s been out for a while but Humans of New York is just fantastic and also sneakily inspirational.
Baconpancakes
Agree on this – if you want, buy a copy of a book (there was one that I heard about here called the defining decade or something that was hugely helpful and inspiring to me when I was 28), read it, and tell her you read this great book and would she like to borrow it, but don’t push it, and don’t give it as a gift.
If she likes books though, I cannot recommend Tomorrow There Will Be Apricots and Orphan #8 enough. I read those based on a Goodreads new titles recommended list, and they are both amazing (and sad, but may great books are). And she probably won’t have read them because they’re not as popular as something like Station Eleven.
Anon
Um, I heard about The Defining Decade after my 20s ended and felt sad about it afterward. The book seemed useful, but an unspoken message is, “Too late! Maybe you can go in a time machine.” In addition to the stigma, one of the challenges of relationship/life/family planning advice is that it’s most useful to young women who might not need it due to luck, and it can be too late for women who are older and unlucky. For example, egg freezing.
Anon
Ahhh no!!! No self help books for the friend you feel sorry for!
Anonymous
If she likes books – you can give her a subscription to Book of the Month, where judges determine 5 choices each month and they mail them to you. It’s about $10/month, and they focus on female/minority/unknown authors.
Anon
Big Magic is the only vaguely self-helpish book I could see possibly working for this. Still eh though.
Anon
West Coasters, can you help an East Coaster out? I’m brainstorming for my boyfriend’s 40th birthday. For a 4 day weekend, would it be possible to do Napa and Yosemite/Sequoia National Parks? It’d be in late September. Would Sacramento be the best airport to fly into? I’ve been to California precisely once in my life, so any and all advice is appreciated!
Mrs. Jones
For 4 days, I would do one or the other, not both. But you could definitely do Napa or the parks in 4 days. The Ahwahnee at Yosemite is amazing.
Anonymous
All three of those destinations are fairly far apart, with Yosemite being in the middle and easier to combine with one of the other two. Honestly, in four days I think you want to pick one place and stay there. Certainly both Napa and Yosemite have more than enough to keep you occupied for four days, and no matter where you fly into you’re going to have some driving. SFO is as close to Napa as Sacramento is, and is likely to be cheaper. For Yosemite, you’d want to fly into Merced or Fresno if you can get a flight, although you could also fly into SFO and spend a day there if you want to do something besides Yosemite.
Vera B
Possible, yes. Desirable, no. If you figure a four day weekend includes the day flying in and the day flying out, you’d also be spending a full day of your remaining two just driving from Napa to Yosemite.
Instead, fly into either Oakland or San Francisco (too few flights into Sacramento and it’s further away). Rent a car and drive to Napa. Spend a day or two in Napa/Sonoma/Yountville. If you want to add a second component, you could easily go into San Francisco for a day. I can make other day trip suggestions if you let me know what you like to do.
Scarlett
I agree with all of this, but would add check out the Healdsburg/Guerneville/Russian River area – there’s also a ton of wine tasting there, but it’s a little more authentic (with a lot of smaller wineries), cute places to stay & great restaurants. If you’re looking for a splurge, check out the Farmhouse Inn in Guerneville – farmhouseinn dot com. It’s my dream place . . .
buffybot
In my opinion, that is way too much ground to cover for a 4 day weekend and would be exhausting. You’re talking about a 5 hour drive from Napa to either of those parks, and not a scenic drive.
I would pick one general location and stick to that — there are lots of locations where you can combine wine tasting and hiking/nature in one place.
In addition to just doing Napa Valley (could fly into Oakland or Sacramento, or even SFO), you could do:
– Santa Cruz area (Would fly into SFO or San Jose)
– Sonoma County (especially west Sonoma County/Russian River area if you want redwoods) (Would fly into SFO or Oakland)
Also know that September is a BUSY season for wine country, so book well in advance.
Anonymous
It’s way too much. Fly into San Francisco, spend a day and night there exploring the city, then rent a car and drive to Napa (it’s only ~1 hour) and spend three days there, one of which can be devoted to exploring nearby Sonoma. If you try to go to one of the parks, you’ll spend the whole time in the car.
OP
Thanks, everyone, so far! Very helpful to know it’s not really possible to do both. I think we’d want to do a nature trip with a side of wine rather than a wine trip with a side of nature, so where would you recommend we focus?
Anon
Go to Yosemite and get a glass of wine at the Ahwahnee.
Senior Attorney
And afternoon tea! And dinner! And sleep there! So fab…
Anonymous
Book the Ahwahnee now! Seriously. It books up fast. I end up staying at the more “value” places in the park and have not been disappointed.
Scarlett
Hmm, personally I don’t love Yosemite (probably blasphemy, I know) & for nature with a side of wine, I’d definitely do the Russian River area – hiking in Armstrong Park (among the redwood trees), driving out to the coast (about 20 minutes from the wineries in that area) & lots of charming little places to shop/antique along the way. Yosemite is 100% nature – all hiking, the Ahwahnee is a big hotel & it’s the only “nice” place in town. I don’t think the food there is great. It’s a national park v a destination. Just my .02 & I’m preparing to get flamed!
Cb
Late to this but what about one of the airstream sites? They look amazing.
Anon
Newb question: why aren’t my replies to other comments showing up in-thread? I’m clicking Reply and posting like I would in any other forum. Am I taking too long to type a response and it times out? Any advice? I swear I’m not a total Luddite!
Anon
Sometimes they get eaten. There doesn’t seem to be a reason why. Try reposting. If it says it’s a duplicate post, it’ll show up…eventually.
Anon
Are they going into moderation?
Anon
No, not being moderated, but they show up as a brand new post at the bottom of the page instead of in the thread I was replying to. :-/
SC
Are you using your phone? This happens to me sometimes when I use my phone to comment.
Financial/Budgeting Software for Seasonal/Sporadic Expenses?
I’ve been a devoted Mint user for several years and am generally happy, but haven’t found a good way to account for highly variable/seasonal expenses — e.g., our electrical bill is a lot higher in the summer due to AC/gas is higher in the winter due to heat — and I’d like to set something like a yearly budget to account for those issues. Similarly, a yearly budget for vacations makes more sense if we don’t do them on a set schedule.
Is there a way to do so in Mint? Do YNAB or similar platforms do something similar?
I know I could just set a monthly budget with carryover throughout the year, but I hate having very large positive or negative carryover, and I think seeing the annual amount would be better for me. Thanks in advance!
Anne
There isn’t on mint. This sounds a bit elaborate but the way we deal with that is by having separate savings accounts for those expenses (e.g. vacation), having a “goal” of a certain amount per month toward that expense in mint, and then when the expenses actually come up, paying them from that savings account and “hiding” the expense in mint.
emeralds
It would be easy to set up in YNAB, as long as you could make a prediction of your expected energy expenses (e.g.) over the summer and then set your electricity budget over the winter to build a cushion for your expected summer expenses. Or since you say you want to see the lump sum, you can set having an annual amount of $X in YNAB as a goal and fund it up to $X. You will see that as positive cash available, though.
Actually, I wrote all of that, then I re-read your post and I’m not sure I’m clear on what you’re looking for. I don’t think there’s going to be a way to not carry over expenses/in-flows of money in a budgeting app, because the whole point of them is for you to see exactly where your money is? Am I misunderstanding something that you’re looking for?
Financial/Budgeting Software for Seasonal/Sporadic Expenses?
You may be right. I think my ideal situation would be Mint-platform, but be able to categorize the expense using the yearly total and not rely on monthly average (for utilities). A similar solution would work for vacations, but I haven’t figured out how to manage sporadic scheduling (e.g., if I want to spend $10K on vacations in the year and I’m planning to spend $5K in February, $2K in August and $3K in December, I can’t workaround by setting a budget for an expense to occur 3x a year because it will be highly variable as to costs each time).
I suppose I could toggle back and forth between the year view and the month view to do so, so maybe I’ll do that just hide the ANGRY RED BUDGETS from monthly view for now?
emeralds
Ahh, I think I see what you want. In your example, you could set it up in YNAB as a savings category with a yearly fund amount of $10,000, and deduct and add transactions within that category as they come up. But that would mean switching to a new platform. (Although FYI, the new version of YNAB will let you sync accounts like Mint.) (And also I just like YNAB SO much more than I liked Mint, so I’m biased.)
+1 for YNAB over Mint
Agreed. I used Mint for a long time, then switched to YNAB and YNAB is SO MUCH BETTER than Mint.
Anon
Check with your utility company and see if they have a budget option. Our electrical, water, and gas companies all do, so that we pay a set amount each month that is an average of our usage over the previous 12 months. If our usage goes up or down they adjust it accordingly once a year.
anon a mouse
This is the easiest if you are trying to smooth out your budget.
A different hack would be to add a budget category for “seasonal energy” and zero it out in spring and fall, and add money to it in summer and winter, to augment your typical monthly energy spending.
Jo March
Following for the responses – trying to figure out the same thing
Clementine
I have mint roll an unused balance for certain things forward – so I budget X towards vacation/clothes/hair cuts and let it roll forward if it’s unspent.
It’s not perfect but it works well for me. You know what does tick me off? I have two ‘pending’ charges from a restaurant in 2014 (that yes, I did pay for) but they ALWAYS appear in my transactions. I think I have to contact Mint to get them to hide these transactions, any other solutions?
(Also, my Mint’s mind exploded when we paid off a big chunk of student loans. ‘You are $7,200 over your monthly budget in Student Loans. Better check that.’)
Financial/Budgeting Software for Seasonal/Sporadic Expenses?
Ha – I also B L E W MINT’S MIND by putting big chunks toward student loans, etc., from bonuses. I ended up creating a new category (but no associated budget) for “Bonus Debt Repayment” that I use each year and manually recode to avoid blowing the budgets.
Annoying about the pending charges – can you just hide them? Thank you!
Pending charge deletion
You should be able to manually delete the pending transactions. On the Android app, I go to the “All Transactions” view, click on the specific pending charge, and then there’s a little trash can in the upper right. I’ve done this from the web interface too but don’t currently have the exact steps at hand.
Anon
I freak Mint out every month by paying rent. I pay the same amount every month, and every month I get the email like “whoa you spent too much on rent!”
Not looking for how to fix it, because to be honest it is quite amusing.
Lawyer in-house
Yup, YNAB let’s you do this and it’s awesome. I use it for budgeting everything from sporadic vacation expenses, gifts, bar dues, insurance payments, etc.
jwalk
I was really interested to take a look at the Who What Wear collection at Target as suggested, and then the first thing in the search results was this. Just, no. I’m done.
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-frilled-hem-trouser-who-what-wear-153-black/-/A-52352223#preselect=52340401
Handbag help
Oof, that is bad. I like quite a few items in the collection but I didn’t love the top featured in this post. It is REALLY sheer. It looked cute with a cami, but not remotely work appropriate for my fairly conservative office.
Minnie Beebe
Those pants are terrible, I agree. But they do have lots of pieces that (IMO) are great, and modest. I own the featured top, and while it’s extremely sheer, I think the high neckline and conservative cut make it appropriate (on the conservative side, even) for my extremely casual office. I wear a black tank underneath, and I almost always have a cardigan on, so I’m still very covered up.
Anon
Agreed. I got an awesome shirt dress from them that I love and wear to work all the time.
Parfait
Also many bathrobe-looking dresses.
Handbag help
I need a new everyday work handbag and I have a few questions about color and size.
1) I really love the looks of a deep navy bag. However, I wear black pants more often than navy, and I am not one to switch out my purses every day. Will that look weird or clash too much? I know I should get a basic black bag that goes with everything, but it’s just so … boring. My neutrals are black, navy, white and gray. For colors, I wear a lot of blue, mint and pink during the summer.
2) Totes are my favorite style for everyday use. I’ve noticed that I’ve had a lot of shoulder strain lately from an over-the-shoulder bag. I don’t feel like I’m carrying that much or weighing it down with laptops and heavy devices, either. Any tips on finding a tote that might be easier on my shoulders? I know people recommend the crossbody style, but I can’t stand them unless they’re super tiny — much smaller than I’m willing to carry on a daily basis. They end up shifting around too much and cause a whole other set of issues.
My taste in handbags is very basic and I really don’t care about being on-trend. I just like good bags that are well organized and look nice without standing out too much.
AIMS
I have a very safiano leather tote in a medium blue and it basically solves all your issues. Looks good with black or navy, light weight…
AIMS
*very lightweight
another fan
Is it from Michael Kors, by chance? I’m intrigued by the denim color available this season. Hadn’t thought of the saffiano solving the weight problem, but I will try it!
AIMS
Furla. The other benefit of safiano is it wear like iron.
Anon
Navy and black look very chic together if the clothing/accessories themselves are chic. I wear them together all the time (e.g., navy sheath dress with black shoes and a black handbag). Or black pants and a navy top or vice versa.
Anonymous
I really like the unstructured totes from Annabel Ingall (spelling?). They come in good sizes and a ton of colors. They are a little heavy but look great. I often see other women in the subway and think whoa I love that bag and then realize I have the same bag.
Anon prof
I’d look for a burgendy, red or hot pink bag if you don’t mind some color.
pugsnbourbon
I have a large leather tote in a blue-gray that goes with everything. Maybe something in a more slate blue?
Anon
I mostly carry black or tan tote bags for work, but recently bought a weekend non-tote purse in navy, rationalizing that I mostly wear denim or navy on the weekends.
This work week I had so much in my tote bag that I carried the navy bag in addition to the tote, and I was wearing black base pieces with a cream colored cardigan. It really looked quite nice, and I’m my own harshest critic.
If you have found a navy bag you love, go for it. It really is a neutral.
Anon
Late reply. I have the MK Jet Set East West tote in navy, even though my palette is entirely black/grey-based, not navy. I think it looks nice and chic, not mismatched!
another fan
I’ve been looking at this one! The navy is so nice.
Anonymous
I think I’m in the position where I have to fire someone. He’s a nice guy, but he’s horrendously incompetent at even basic tasks. He’s older and this job was sort of his chance to break out of dead end jobs and get into a professional field, so by firing him I’m really setting his life back and I think it will be quite a blow. I’m conflicted, but he’s absorbing a lot of my time and emotional energy instead or contributing, and I’ve spent the past month trying to intensively coach him, and this morning he messed up on something very very simple and important and then made a bunch of nonsensical excuses.
Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Any advice?
Anon
Put him on a performance improvement plan first and then fire him at the end of that if it doesn’t help. That will at least give him some time to job search. I don’t think you “owe” him this, but it would be the nice thing to do.
OP
The issue is that I really need someone to assist with these tasks, and I can’t trust him to get even the most basic ones done. The one he messed up today was coordinating a meeting with me, a client, and a technical resource, and he never bothered to check the schedules of or confirm with any of our technical resources, so as a result I was alone on a call and could not answer some highly technical questions and we may lose the deal. How can I put him on a “performance improvement plan” if the performance is things like “set up important meetings and make sure the right people will be joining them”?
Advice greatly appreciated…
Anonymous
that would be literally the plan
– ensure all attendees available for meeting time scheduled.
Then you document that he failed to do that.
Anonymous
Talk to HR and your employment lawyer.
OfCounsel
If he is “older” I second the suggestion to talk to HR and at be sure you document (i.e. put him on a PIP) before you terminate him. I am not suggesting that you have any improper motive in firing him, but you want to protect the company from an age discrimination lawsuit.
OP
By “older” I mean in his mid to late 30s but in an entry level role, while I’m managing him and in my late 20s. So I don’t think it’s really an age discrimination thing.
OfCounsel
My age is showing! If he is under 40, you are probably safe (although obviously your state law might be different).
Anonymous
I don’t mean older in the grand scheme of things, I just meant in the context of this role!! Sorry!
Anon
It sounds like you are turning a business decision into a personal decision. If you are in the position to fire someone, you have to make the decision based on what is best for the company, not what is best for this guy’s long-term career plan. I really struggle with this concept, and am glad I don’t have to manage anyone in my current role.
Senior Attorney
And when you fire him, your job is not to convince him that it’s the correct decision, and it’s not to make him feel good about it. It’s to convey the information as humanely as possible. You don’t need to recite chapter and verse about all his failings, just tell him it hasn’t worked out and you are sorry but you have to let him go. Do not engage in further conversation about second chances, etc. (which is why an improvement plan beforehand is good because it heads off this kind of thing).
“I’m sorry but this hasn’t worked out and we will have to let you go. Your last day will be X/your last day will be today and HR has a two-week severance plus your accrued wages and vacation pay available to pick up immediately. There’s a box at your workstation to pack up your stuff. Do you have any questions?
No? Okay, goodbye. I wish you the best.” And then you leave and let him process it on his own.
Anonymous
Agree ^^ getting terminated should not be a surprise to the employee if it is handled correctly, and it can be done humanely. People do not want to fire employees (wouldn’t it be great if every employee was a star?) but sometimes it has to be done. Just treat him with dignity and make a clean break.
Anonymous
Document, document, document! Make sure the expectations are clear (does he have a job description?) and then every time he fails to do something, you have to raise the issue with him. You should not brush the performance issues under the rug and then hit him with them all at once. Normally I would say work with him, but it sounds like you have and things have not improved. A formal PIP would be good, definitely talk to HR about how to implement this. Anything you can put together in advance of the PIP as objective evidence of failings and issues to work on would be helpful.
OP
I agree with this wholeheartedly in theory, but we’re a small, agile start up. First of all, tech firms don’t have PIP plans in place the way law firms do in general. Second of all, it would fall on me to put it together, and that’s time that I just don’t have, on top of all the training I’ve tried to give him. Third of all, I only have one person reporting to me (him) at this juncture (I’ll have more later) so I need someone who can actually pick up tasks and think them through without having to be told in detailed steps how to put a meeting on the calendar for multiple people.
I could put a PIP in place but it’s work for me and it feels totally futile…
Anonymous
Protect the small start up. Download a PIP from the internet and put it together in 1/2 an hour. Every type of business has to have this, even if you don’t have the time or energy. I know it sucks, but being in litigation for years is way worse. It sounds like you have done a lot already. Document that and mention at the meeting where you give him a 45 day PIP. You do need someone who can pick up the work and he’s not it. Depends where you are located but even in his 30’s he could be protected by age discrimination laws so please err on the side of doing more now, so you when you terminate him, that’s it. Sincerely, anon at 11:58/employment lawyer
Jen
Yup. I’ve worked at several tech firms- none total startups (e.g. All had some semblance of HR and >20 FTEs) but we absolutely had PIPs. Do it. It can even include in writing that failure to do certain tasks will result in immediate termination. Then document the failure and terminate. If this guy is as bad as you say, it will be quick. Search for the replacement ASAP but tweak the job title so it can’t be said you had 0 intention of keeping him whether or not he shaped up.
S Tampa
Transfer.
Paging tailbone poster
Responded to your post last night, posting again in the hopes you see this and it helps!
My tailbone was also dislocated when I gave birth to my daughter 2.5 years ago (and probably already had minor damage from previous births). I would recommend second, third, forth, fifth, six opinions. Keep searching. Start with every physical therapist in your area who specializes in women’s health/pelvic floor and/or does manual work because in addition to the issues with the tailbone itself, you probably have some soft tissue issues too that need to be worked out for you to see any lasting improvement. Not all physical therapists are the same, so keep trying until you find a good one!
Tailbone
Thank you!! I’ve had one physical therapist tell me there is nothing that can be done, but I have only visited that one. I’ll search out more.
Hangars
What do you do with old hangars? Thrift stores won’t take them. They are the clear, plastic ones used in retail.
Anonymous
I throw them in the trash.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I recycle them if I get them, but I usually take the item off the hanger before leaving the store.
Anon
You keep the hangers from the store and think about what to do with them? Throw them in the trash yesterday. Don’t take them home next time.
H
+1 don’t take them home. I don’t even take home those wire dry cleaning hangars.
Anonymous
Give them to a friend who sells stuff at consignment sales.
2 Cents
Photograph, then place in trashbag and post on Craigslist as a curb alert. If anyone wants them, they’ll pick them up.
Linda from HR
If even the thrift stores won’t take them, throw them out. I get it, I feel bad throwing things in the trash when I feel the material is valuable and could/should be repurposed rather than wasted, but sometimes you gotta just chuck it.
Anon
Check and see if your local recycling plant can take them. We can’t put them in our regular recycling, but if we take them to a specific dropoff, they can be recycled. We keep them in a hamper in the closet and just take it in when it gets full.
Anon
I store my fleet of old airplanes in my old hangars.
Anon
Just LOL’d at this.
Anon
Ha!
Senior Attorney
Good one!
Anon
It’s a good problem to have!
Anon
I do the same! Twinsies!
Marilla
If you have a lot, try listing them for free on Craigslist or Kijiji. But yes – throwing them out would be my first thought.
Anonymous
any tips for when you are stuck in your office and can’t stop crying? Just got stuck with a crappy file, no help and an impossible deadline. So burnt out with this but I need to get through today.
Anon
Can you get out and take a short walk to get some air? Or splash cold water on your face?
Sorry you’re in that situation.
Small Law
Put on those sunglasses when you open your office door and get out to take a breath. Staying in my office surrounded by the situation always makes me feel worse. If you are in a not a city-walking-area, go for a drive and blast some power music —- any maybe go through a Starbucks drive-thru.
Anonymous
Though you’ll think you can’t, because you have to plow through and hit that deadline, you really must take at least a 5 minute break each hour — or more. Set a timer to work for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break, and then take a 10 minute break at the top of each hour. You can do this.
Sloan Sabbith
Get out of there, even if it’s just to the restroom. Spend five minutes working on breathing- try to take deep breaths that calm you down. If you can get outside, even better. And if you have to, go sit in your car or a local park behind a tree and just cry it out.
Jess
maybe turn on a little music, close your eyes a few minutes and remember You are not Your Job. This too shall pass … :)
M.S.
This is me this week, but because of a breakup. Mini breaks and walks have been helpful. Otherwise, listening to music (if possible) and meditation breaks help.
Bait and switch?
So I interviewed for a job about two weeks ago, was offered the job and accepted, and started Wednesday. Job was as a buyer for a store owned by a husband and wife team. Husband also owns a global company, the store is essentially a “hobby” for the wife. Neither have retail experience, which is what I majored in and have been working in since college both on the store side and the business side. Operations at the store are a hot mess, but whatever, it will get ironed out in time.
On my way to work today (my third day, first full day in the office/store), the husband called me and said that they’d been talking and long story short, my buyer job was given to another employee and he wants me to be his exec assistant. They didn’t think I was a good fit for the buyer job, simply because I am not old enough (I’m 27, other employee is 40 w/no experience or education in retail) and “wouldn’t get the target market”. I’m shocked and hurt and honestly kind of devastated. This was literally my dream job and what I’ve been working for since college. I DO NOT want to be an exec assistant, because I (maybe snobbily?) think it sounds so boring and I actually LIKE buying/merchandising. They keep telling me I can make more with his company, but I’m not in retail/fashion for the money, ya know?
What would you do? Would you take the exec assistant job for a guy who has done this bait and switch or drop the entire thing and keep looking? Or take EA jib and keep looking? I am leaning towards not working for them period because I don’t trust them, but I have bills so…
Anon
I have no clue what to advise here, but what the f*ck. That is absolutely not okay and you might need to get a lawyer involved.
Anonymous
I would tell them you accepted the retail job, you are prepared to continue in that job and you will not accept the exec assistant job. If they let you keep the retail job, I would look for something else while working because this is cray cray. If they don’t let you keep the retail job, find something else to pay the bills ( I think Starbucks has healthcare even if part-time), and look for a new job.
Tech Comm Geek
Take the EA job and keep looking. You’ve got a perfect reason for moving on if your job search takes a little while.
Bait and switch?
Welp an update: the guy came back (after me telling him I’d take the weekend to think about the offer and let him know Monday) and told me that he thinks retail is the better fit for me after all, the EA job is off the table, and best of luck. What the actual fuck is wrong with people?! Do I have a legal reason to take action? We’re an at will state…I just am floored by how unprofessional they are acting…
Anonymous
They’ve shown you who they are, so believe them. Working for them in any capacity will be a cluster* and you will always doubt everything they say. I’d leave, now and find something else while picking up whatever work I can in the meantime.
Anon
+1 to “They’ve shown you who they are, so believe them.”
Anonymous
Don’t take it. Who knows if they’ll even pay you.
Anonymous
+1. I worked for an employer like this once (when I was laid off and desperate for work) and the paychecks were irregular and often not what I had been promised. I don’t think it’s worth the mindf*ck. You’d be better off at Target or Starbucks.
Anonymous
+1 been there, late paychecks and broken promises. I cried every day on my way to work for a year until I landed on my feet with something else.
Anonymous
I’m under the impression you’ve already started right – as in you’ve quit a prior job for this? So whether you take the EA job or not depends on how much you need to pay bills vs. being able to float for a while. If money isn’t a concern, quit outright and tell them why. If money is a concern, I don’t think you have any choice but to do the EA job – while very actively looking to get a new job to be able to get away from these people. And in the future, stay away from things owned by husband/wife teams where the business is merely a hobby; I know it’s painting with a broad brush but I feel like these things happen in hobby businesses.
Torin
+1 to this
I would not want to work for someone who treated me this way, but realize that depending on your savings situation you might have to as a stop-gap while you look for something else.
emeralds
This.
Anonymous
Document… depending on where you are you could have an age discrimination claim.
Bait and switch?
Thanks all. I responded earlier but with a 4 letter word in the mix (oops typed my feelings) so it’s stuck in moderation. Update: the husband texted me saying that he thinks retail is a better fit after all, the EA job is off the table and best of luck. So….that’s that. What is wrong with people?!
Senior Attorney
Oh, man.
I might keep looking around anyway, given that they have shown themselves to be, uh, a little flighty.
Baconpancakes
Yeah, this. You need to find another job.
CountC
+1,000
This company/store is going to cause you much stress and you literally have no stability. These people are not good business people in re: this business. Run away as soon as possible.
SA
Well that’s good news! I would still get the heck out, mostly due to the age reference.
Anonymous
It sounds like he just fired you? I’d start with filing with unemployment and then look for another job. I’m sorry.
Anonymous
So you have the retail gig again? Good – do it for now, keep looking. And if your goal is to be a buyer, I think it’ll be easier bc now you’ll have this buyer gig on your resume – even for a few months as you search. And when you interview and people ask why you’re looking – it’s perfectly legit to say that working for a small business that was a side business to another, there wasn’t clarity in the roles etc. and your main (only) goal is to be a buyer for a serious business.
H
Glad to see your update! But what kind of cr@p will he try and pull in the future?
Before I saw your update I was going to say don’t accept if you can afford it. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
January
I posted last week and again yesterday evening, but I was little late to get many responses, so I’ll give it another go (and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop bugging you). Thanks to everyone who responded last week and to the poster who wrote a lengthy response last night. Also, general thanks to Monday. The short version of my question is, if you’re in law and forced to make a change, how did you decide what to do next?
I posted last week about getting the “up or out” talk (spoiler alert: I’m out) from my firm last week. I have two problems: one is that I’m demoralized and uninterested in working nights and weekends on my cases (also, I don’t think I should have to. Why do I need to prove I’m “committed” now?)
The other is that I really do need to figure out what to do next. For people who have been in this position, or for anyone else who left biglaw, how did you decide what your next step should be? Were you sure you wanted to go to another firm, or go in-house? I’m leaning towards not pursuing law firms anymore, in part because I want to get away from any sort of defined “up-or-out” track. I’ve been advised to spend some time really thinking about what I want, but since I tend to ruminate, I don’t actually think this is all that useful of a step (sitting around dwelling on how I wasn’t good enough just isn’t helpful. See problem one, above).
Anonymous
Have seen your post every time. Haven’t responded bc same thing happened to me a few yrs ago and I still haven’t figured it out. Landed in the gov’t. Ugh. Doesn’t have up and out but also doesn’t have the satisfaction of private practice for me; so I’m toying with going back to the up and out model. So in short – if you figure it out, let us know.
TK
Don’t rule out Gov’t.
I left private law for a position in State Gov’t and got promoted twice within three years. It was a pay cut initially but now I’m directing a department and earning near what I did when I left private practice but with much better benefits, a pension (!) and a 40 – 50 hour workweek. Plus, job security – none of the up or out nonsense.
Senior Attorney
+1 Government can be great
Anonymous
I don’t have any advice because I left the law entirely as a sixth year, but I just wanted to send hugs and say I’m so sorry. I saw this happen to so many super talented associates and in 95% of cases it had absolutely nothing to do with the associate. It was all about politics and the firms/groups business needs and as soon as they determined the associate wasn’t making partner they started inventing BS reasons why. I know it’s easier said than done but try not to take the criticism to heart. It’s total BS made up as an after-the-fact justification. Seeing this happen to so many talented, nice people was one of the worst parts of working in Big Law. I’ll be thinking about you and hope you find peace in whatever your next step is.
Triangle Pose
What did you leave the law to do?
One of the women from my year left completely to go back to school and will likely get her PhD. When people I knew from BiLaw completely leave the law, I always find it super interesting what they choose to do next.
Anonymous
I went back to using my STEM undergrad degree.
Anonymous
I just looked for a job. I didn’t feel I had the luxury to delay. I called a recruiter immediately and starting interviewing for any position I could get. I wound up moving to a small regional firm. Turns out I love it but even if I didn’t it would have paid the bills while I figured out something else.
Triangle Pose
I was completely sure I wanted to go in-house. I got really lucky and left BigLaw early for my in-house job. I’m sorry you had the up and our conversation and that you feel demoralized.
Is it possible for you to take a leave? Rest and think about your next step without all the noise and guilt about not working late nights on your cases? One my the women in my group at my old law firm decided to take the summer off to decide her next step. I’m sure it’s unpaid leave but I got the sense she left the door open to come back.
Is Of-Counsel a possibility at your law firm or another law firm? Can you talk to a reputable recruiter about your options? A recuiter in your area might have a better idea of next steps for you. I get the sense you just feel a bit lost and once you get started on preparing for the next step it’ll be easier to hit the ground running.
January
Thank you. I’m in better spirits today than I was yesterday, which certainly helps, but these responses are helpful, too. I’m struggling with the “what do you want” question in part because, you know, I think I want to be independently wealthy and on a permanent vacation, but that’s not actually an option. ;) I am networking and talking to recruiters – hopefully the advice that it’s easier to figure out what I want when I have concrete options will turn out to be true.
Anon
I would suggest working with a coach in addition to recruiters. You need someone in your corner who understands the industry and can help you think critically and thoughtfully about different options. My recommendation is Malini Nangia at Volta, but there are lots of them out there. There are fantastic opportunities out there, but it can be so hard to see them from where you are right now.
January
I looked her up and discovered that Volta’s career coach for my region used to work at one of my peer firms, so that is very interesting. Thank you.
cbackson
How much time did they give you? If you got the “three months to look” talk, then generally you’re expected to focus on your job search during that time and you should go to the appropriate person (practice group leader, typically) and clarify the expectations for your remaining time. If you got the more ambiguous “pursue other options” talk, without a timeline, then I think it’s a bit tougher.
January
It’s the latter. My mentor suggested I could unofficially work at 80% while I’m looking for another job. She has also suggested I could probably stay as long as I wanted if I had something specific in mind that I was waiting for (like being a judge), but this requires keeping the firm happy in terms of billing, which I may not want to do. I told her I didn’t want to be around for next year’s review, and she said if I was still there at that time the review probably wouldn’t be as harsh if they knew that I was working towards something else. I think they just wanted to make it clear I’m not going to make partner (and my group doesn’t formally do alternative arrangements, although other groups in my firm do).
cbackson
So I think you want to peace out of there ASAP – honestly, in your shoes, I would get more annoyed with the passage of time, and they will be less and less invested in you with the passage of time. I would take the offer to work at 80%, and if you think it’s feasible, to have some pretty candid conversations with people within the firm that you have been advised to start looking, you’re doing that, and that you need to focus on that. And ask them for help! Since it’s not a secret, enlist folks within your firm in helping you leave.
In terms of what you want to do, I found “Designing Your Life” to be enormously helpful in terms of focusing on what I wanted in my life and career. It’s not a “what job should you do?” book, but rather a “what characteristics does a well-lived life have for you?” I think that in a circumstance where you don’t have a clear image of what the next step looks like for you, that’s a helpful process to think through. It has exercises for you to go through in conjunction with the book, which I found useful as well.
Monday
Ok January– let’s both get this book! Our names are all about tough new beginnings, after all.
cbackson
Also, FWIW – I’ve been involved in letting a number of associates go over the years (both in my own group and as part of various firm administrative roles). Believe me when I say that it is very often the case at your level of seniority that people do really like you, but have come to believe that your skills and talents aren’t the right fit for partnership – which is a very different job than being an associate. It is very easy in the review process to feel like this is a message from the firm and everyone you work with that you s*ck as a lawyer/you’re a failure/they hate you/etc. But that’s not true. In virtually all cases, those associates went on to positions where they were super, super successful – because they were good people and good lawyers, but needed to be in jobs that were a better match for their strengths.
I’m not going to give you some line of bull about this being a blessing in disguise or whatever, because that is stupid and offensive, but I don’t want you to take the experience you’re currently having as some kind of judgment on your value as a person or a lawyer. It isn’t, and as someone who’s sat on the other side of that table a number of times, I always try to make that as clear as I can.
Triangle Pose
Wow, this is really good advice. cbackson, I understand what you’re saying about a different set of skills and talents for partnership v. associate – can you lend similar insight into”of counsel” positions? This group has always confused me in the law firm landscape. Is every of counsel given that offer for a different reason? Are they all folks who don’t have partnership skills/talents but there is a business need to keep them on bc of niche area?
cbackson
Unfortunately, every firm deals with counsel titles differently, so it’s hard to say. Some firms only use the counsel title for retired partners. Some use it as an intermediate step to partnership. Some use it for laterals who came from in-house/government/a smaller firm and don’t have a portable book of business. And some firms don’t even have counsel. So there’s not really a universal approach.
January
Thank you (and thank you for the how-to-deal-with-current-job advice, and for the book rec, which I will be checking out).
Katie
I went through the same situation several years ago.
Issue number one: you should definitely get to pull back a bit from working a lot. However, I would try to resist the urge to check out entirely because you want the people you work with to act as contacts and references now and probably in the future. When I eventually left my firm, several of the partners that I worked with took me aside to tell me particularly how much they appreciated how I had handled my lame duck time (my words, not theirs). I would happily use some of those people as references for my next job search.
Issue number two: I was a litigation associate and I was pretty sure that I did not want to go to another firm. There were several reasons for this: (1) I was senior, so there were fewer options, (2) I knew I was not interested in being a law firm partner so, since I was senior, I would have to make another transition in the near future if I went to a firm, (3) I was tired of law firm life – the billing, the expectations of availability, the hierarchy. I thought I wanted to go in-house, though I didn’t have a great sense of why. My problem is that I like most things, rarely love work, and even more rarely hate anything, so it was hard to narrow things down. Additionally, I had done general litigation with some cases in specialty areas, but not enough to either pigeonhole me or sufficient to sell myself as an expert.
So, I drafted a master resume, with everything that I could possibly include. Then I applied broadly, and for each opening, worked from the master resume to create a targeted resume for that position. I also spoke to as many friends/colleagues as possible to let them know I was looking broadly. I eventually ended up in a regulatory role instead of in-house, which is actually a great fit for me, but some of that was luck. But if the role hadn’t been great, I knew it would provide good experience that would make me a better fit for some of the in-house jobs that I was interested in.
Best of luck!
anon biglaw
I agree very much with all of this. 100%.
Anon
You got one response yesterday that I thought was really helpful where the poster laid out her priorities but then didn’t say where she ended up! And I was so curious! If that poster see that, will you indulge me, just for fun?!
I preempted the up and out with a move to the public sector. I think for me being in a mission-driven environment is important and I’m willing to take a paycut. I found applying for a bunch of positions and seeing who wanted to bring me in for interviews was helpful as that gave me a sense of who might value what I was bringing to the table – I think that’s one place to start, although I know that sounds broad!
January
Yes, last night’s poster was super-helpful, and everyone today has been helpful, too. Thanks for the advice!
Anokha
*hugs* In case it’s helpful at all, I left the law firm to go in-house. I was switching cities and didn’t want to restart my career as a sixth year at a new firm (nor was I interested in making partner at a firm.)
I have really enjoyed being in-house. Among other things, I’ve found that providing legal counsel to my clients is better suited for my personality (compared to being external litigation counsel.) I also have enjoyed getting to know my “clients” over four years and building relationships.
anon for this
Glad it was helpful!
Too many details will out me, so forgive me for not giving more (I may have already). I went through multiple rounds of interviews for jobs at a non-profit, federal agency, boutique firm, and midsized firm. I got offers from the midsized firm and the boutique, did not get the government job (it was highly competitive so no surprise), and withdrew my candidacy at the non-profit. I never interviewed at another biglaw firm, but I did receive several invitations to interview. I wound up at the midsized firm, and it’s great. Biglaw was not a happy place for me, and the contrast in work environments and people is just incredible. I’d never go back. Who knows if I’d be happier at another place, but I feel confident that I went through a good decision-making process to get here.
anon biglaw
I’m class of 2008 litigator. This conversation happened to me last November. The “you’re not going to make partner and also you need to find a new job” conversation. At least it came with a “we love you and you’re great and you do great work, but partnership just ain’t happening.” I was pretty shocked. I reached out to a former firm recruiter friend who’s now at a different firm. She said that her biglaw firm pays for outplacement coaching and referred me to the one her big firm uses, and I retained the coach myself as my firm wouldn’t pay for it.
Understand that the in-house job search takes, on average, 8-10 months. And involves an insane amount of networking and asking for help from trusted partners to check with their friends and clients (tell them. now.), and lots and lots of trawling LinkedIn for second degree connections at companies/roles you may be interested in. And that the application – phone screen – phone interview – first round in person – second round in person – yes/no decision takes 3-4 months. Maybe 2 months if you’re replacing someone in-house who left, but closer to 4 months when they’re filling a new role. Start saving money now.
You need to maintain a good attitude and quality work at work because you need these people to help you, and they’re not going to place you at a client or friend’s company if they think you will say anything bad about their firm. Complain to us and to your friends but never never never at work or in interviews.
You need to do a lot of informational interviewing to help figure out what you want, but also recognize that your next job is probably not going to be a job you’ll have for more than a couple years.
I have been able to hang onto my current biglaw job for the past eight months while I looked for work working about 60-70% because I have the backing of some powerful partners, though not powerful enough to help me stay here, and am critical to several high profile cases (why the f am I getting pushed out?! ugh, whatever), but my firm management has been very not happy about me still being here. And I have been unable to go in house – lots of interviews but always missing it by an inch. I’m going to another biglaw.
Happy to talk more but this post is already long.
Case
This is really interesting, as I feel like I could have written it! What made you decide to go to another BigLaw, and in what capacity are you going there? Do you anticipate you’ll make partner there?
I’ve been trying to go in-house (and like you, seem to be always 2nd or 3rd choice…) but still aiming for that direction b/c I’m sufficiently senior that another firm is unlikely to put me on partnership track, and I’m not sure that I want to go into a counsel-type role at another firm (though that’s likely my fallback position if I get a deadline and haven’t found a new home yet).
anon biglaw
It’s a partner track role, actually. It’s an amazing opportunity and I’m pretty excited about it, even though I would have really preferred the better work-life balance and no more timesheets in-house. I’m taking it because it’s a great group/job and more importantly I’m really running/ran out of time at my original firm, so I can’t turn down that huge paycheck in the hopes of my currently in process in house apps/interviews actually paying off with an offer instead of being second choice out of hundreds of applicants yet again. Bird in the hand, and it’s a beautiful bird, even if it isn’t the bird I really wanted.
January
Thank you. I remember your post from last November and had searched the archives a bit to read the advice people gave you after I got the talk, and I was curious to know what had happened with you. Thanks for the heads-up about the job search process (I am expecting it to be long and arduous, alas), and best of luck to you in your new position.
anon biglaw
Thanks. It’s been a really awful process but thankfully it is ending soon, for now at least. I’m sorry that this happened to you. Happy to talk more if you want.
Anonymous
I left a big law-esque (large boutique in Bay Area with comparable compensation/hours, lots of people lateraling in and out of official big law) this year after 11 years of practicing as an associate/of counsel.
I found “What Can You Do with a Law Degree?” helpful. It targets lawyers who want to stay in the legal field.
Second the suggestion to save as much money as possible. I know someone who got the up or out talk and spent 2.5 years looking for an in-house position. Luckily, she had savings and was glad or the break.
Former biglawyer
Don’t feel bad about yourself. It’s politics. Of the people who received this speech from my old biglaw firm, 4 are partners at other major firms (including one at a better firm), one is a consultant (but using his subject matter knowledge in the role), two are in-house at roles they LOVE and another went in-house and then transitioned to the business side. In short, not only is this not a reflection of your past work product (it’s just how law firms work), it doesn’t mean you can’t be successful. Use this as an opportunity to shake things up and make your own path.
Figuring out what to do next is easier said than done. First take a moment to breathe and remind yourself that everything is going to be ok. Then start seeing what is out there. Unless you’re planning to quit the law and go in a totally new direction, start taking calls from recruiters and see what is out there. Network – talk to former colleagues about what they’re doing and whether they know of any openings. You have a huge luxury of time – you haven’t been told you have 3 months to find something new. You have time to wait and find the right next step. You’ll make it through this just fine!
Anonymous
I have a $20 reward to Williams Sonoma. What should I buy? Don’t want to spend more than an additional $20 more out of pocket. I live alone, have a small kitchen, and am beginner level in terms of cooking skills. I’m thinking about a Lodge cast iron skillet but open to other ideas!
Anonymous
I like their gold baking sheets. We got some for our wedding 7 years ago and they’ve held up well.
C
+1 to Goldtouch baking sheets (the textured, non-stick ones). I like them better than the comparable NordicWare Prism line. If you get the half sheet pan it’ll be perfect for easy sheet pan dinners and roasting veggies as well as general baking.
Anonymous
flavored balsamic vinegar. I barely cook and use it to make salads fancier and throw on strawberries, etc.
2 Cents
Love their Melamine bowl sets (usually 3 to a set). Got mine 10 years ago and they’re still going strong.
Delta Dawn
I have the Melamine bowl set and love them– though the toddler did figure out how to smash one. They are otherwise fairly sturdy and easy to clean.
SA
I love their Meyer Lemon diffuser and hand soap. I have them in my guest bath and it feels fancy ;)
Senior Attorney
I have this set of bowls and love, love, love them. So much fun to be prepping a meal and have all the ingredients in their own matching bowls!
https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/glass-mixing-bowl-10-piece-set/?catalogId=16&sku=8667537&cm_ven=Google_PLA&cm_cat=Shopping&cm_pla=default&cm_ite=default&kwid=productads-adid^52929352543-device^c-plaid^83090054263-sku^8667537-adType^PLA&gclid=CjwKEAjw4vzKBRCt9Zmg8f2blgESJADN5fDgpq93S48ptRLfMSEStPd5RV8Q3K8vxqwbdmSW5xFAYxoCpQfw_wcB
Anonymous
Fancy spatulas and small kitchen tools. I love my $10 WS peanut butter jar scraper and so glad it only cost me $3 because of a coupon!
Sanders
I cook a lot in a small kitchen. I’d go with the skillet. You will use the skillet for everything and it will last a long time if you treat it well. I’d suggest getting a silicone handle cover for it, too.
Second choice is the bowls Senior Attorney suggested.
JuniorMinion
Frustrated and need some commiseration… I work a 980 schedule (so 9 1 hour longer days in exchange for the 10th workday off). I am currently really underutilized at work and do on average <10 hours of work a week. To add insult to injury I just got asked on my Friday off to do a bunch of work that will likely bleed into Saturday / Sunday. It somehow makes it worse that I am underutilized most of the time.
Anonymous
Say no.
Anon
Sorry, I have plans that mean I’ll be out of pocket all weekend. I should be able to get to this on Monday though! Have a great weekend!
Or just don’t reply and address it on Monday with a version of “oops I was out of pocket! I’ll get started now!”
Green Hat
Similar stuff always happened to me in Biglaw – I would have no work for like 3 weekdays, then something would explode on a Friday and I’d have to work all weekend. As frustrating as that was, though, I dealt with it because I was getting paid a ton. This arrangement sounds like you’re in government, though, in which case you absolutely are not getting paid for that kind of BS. On the other hand, it could be helpful to just suck it up if it’s likely to lead to more work later. Can you at least try to get comp time out of it – i.e., if you’re working on your day off, get another day off next week in exchange?
Torin
Agree — say no. My company does this to me sometimes. I say no. Get on it immediately on Monday and do a stellar job, and continue with this practice in the future. I basically refuse to make other people’s emergencies my problem at work unless it _really is_ the emergency they think it is (it almost never is) and I’m still employed. You can do it!
JuniorMinion
Thanks all. I’m in corporate but working with a lot of ex I bankers. (I am an ex banker myself). I thought about saying I was busy but ultimately decided I’ve been given so little work since I joined this job I need the at bats – especially as I try to line out my next steps. I appreciate everyone’s suggestions.
Anonymous
Did you guys eat eggs with runny yolks (over medium) while pregnant? My OB won’t give me any real advice and says it’s up to me and “everyone has a different comfort level” with how strictly to follow food safety guidelines. Seems from online research that most women don’t, but people here tend to take a more sensible approach to this stuff than people on BabyCenter. I used to eat runny eggs several times a week and giving them up has been way harder than sushi, alcohol, coffee, etc.
Anonymous
I know this is just anecdotal but I ate over-easy eggs with all three of my pregnancies and everyone is fine.
Anonymous
Ew no. I don’t even eat them normally.
PrettyPrimadonna
Same.
Anon
Yeah, this is totally fine and not worth losing sleep over. Same goes for eating deli meat, soft cheese, and the occasional glass of wine. I don’t know how American culture got so much more crazy about this stuff than Europe. Maybe because we have a lower quality food supply? I’d stick with farmers market eggs just cause the yolks are more delicious and nutritious but that may be just me.
Anon
+1. I ate all of the above, plus coffee every morning. My doctor basically said whatever I currently ate was fine, just that I shouldn’t make large changes while pregnant. (So if I don’t regularly eat gas station sushi, now isn’t the time to start.)
PatsyStone
Yes.
Mrs. Jones
Yes. I ate the same stuff I ate before being pregnant and was fine.
Never too many shoes...
Yes, I did. I also drank one large coffee every morning (once it started tasting good again around 24 weeks).
My doctor, a senior high-risk OB with lots of experience, told me that sushi is fine if you go to your regular place and have never gotten sick (I do not like raw fish so this did not really impact me). The only things he told me to steer clear of completely were deli meat to avoid listeria and unpasteurized cheese (soft cheese fine if pasteurized so bring on the Canadian brie and goat cheese).
Anon
Read Expecting Better! Have you seen that yet? It really helps with what to worry about and what not to – and yo ucan draw your own conclusions.
I was fine with runny eggs. And a lot of cheese. I did not touch Queso Fresco as that one is more often a problem, for example.
Marilla
I definitely still ate runny eggs and the occasional piece of deli meat.
anon
Ha, yeah this wasn’t even a thing when I was pregnant. Buy good eggs and cook them until the white is fully set and you’ll be fine. I personally prefer over-medium, where the yolk slowly oozes out rather than running out immediately and thinly over the plate.
Green Hat
I definitely ate over-medium while pregnant – the runny part is still being exposed to heat, which was good enough for me. Baby is fine. Of course there is still a tiny risk, but there is a tiny risk of listeria when eating any fresh food. But NOT eating fresh food (that is, eating only processed food) is way worse for your health than accepting that small risk of listeria.
Anonymous
The concern with eggs is salmonella, not listeria. And salmonella is way less dangerous to the fetus than listeria.
Anonymous
Yep. I eat slightly runny eggs. It’s a small risk that I’m willing to take.
Anonymous
I didn’t. I figured pregnancy is so short, relatively speaking, and if it increases the risk even by a tiny amount, why take that chance? I also avoided raw fish, alcohol (even in foods because it takes a surprisingly long time to cook off), caffeinated coffee (I had tea and decaf though), uncooked deli meats and cheese unless I could verify it was pasteurized.
None of these things was a big hardship for me though since I’m not a big drinker or raw sushi eater to begin with and there were good alternatives for everything else. I had all of these things (including alcohol in moderation) while nursing.
layered bob
I don’t do a damn thing differently during pregnancy. Raw yolks, soft cheese, rare meat, sushi, coffee, alcohol, you name it. But I am pretty careful with my food supply anyway (I don’t eat high-mercury or freshwater fish, unpasturized cheese, eggs of unknown origin, etc. regardless).
anon
Same.
Anon
Buy pasteurized eggs — google for some brands and check your local grocery stores. They’re slightly more expensive, but much lower risk. Hope that solves your problem!
AIMS
Every single day! I do buy organic eggs.
Anonymous
i don’t like that kind of thing but i’m pretty sure I ate raw eggs in cookie dough or something.
DC Anon
Over easy and everything’s fine!
Seventh Sister
I did this all the time – my kids are in elementary school and totally fine. Never got sick from runny eggs. Or the Subway tuna sandwich and Diet Cokes I ate pretty much every weekday in my second pregnancy because they were the only things that tasted good. Anecdata, but Child Tuna Sandwich is the really really smart one.
Seventh Sister
One more thing – I read a lot about listeria, etc. since I felt like I got *such* bad info while pregnant. What I concluded was that most of the food-borne illness outbreaks, at least at this point, are from things you generally can’t control, like listeria in frozen vegetables, fresh fruit, etc. Yeah, don’t eat the raw milk soft cheese, but I had “childbirth educators” tell us crap like don’t eat pasteurized whipped cream cheese. Nonsense.
Anonymous
Yeah, the best thing you can do for listeria is probably set a G o o gle alert for “listeria recall” so you know ASAP when produce, nuts, frozen foods, etc. are recalled for that reason. Of course that can’t prevent you from eating them before the recall is issued, but that’ll help you find out as quickly as possible so you have a chance to throw the stuff in the trash if the recall is applicable to your brand and region.
SC
Truth. When I was pregnant, I ate icecream at a birthday party the day before that brand was recalled for potential listeria. I was fine, as was my pregnant SIL, but oh well.
Anon
Oh man, I craved tuna salad on sourdough like nobody’s business in my third pregnancy, and I would have found this gross in my prior two pregnancies. Third pregnancy was my only son. Coincidence?
Anyway, I limited myself to two tuna sandwiches per week but I could have eaten them for every meal. Tuna baby is 14 now and practically perfect in every way, other than being a 14 year old boy.
Seventh Sister
My justification was that there probably very little tuna in Subway sandwiches!
S Tampa
Yes, I did. But I’m the kind of wild & crazy person who also drank the occasional glass of iced tea or wine, so you might not want to listen to me.
Linda from HR
Feeling very proud of myself these days. I’ve been a bit of a pack rat all my life, holding onto a lot of stuff due to sentimental value, worrying I’d need something later and won’t have it, and not wanting things to go to waste. However, recently I’ve felt the urge to purge all my unnecessary garbage, and for some reason it feels easy nowadays. Not sure if it’s because I’m in a good place, or because I’m going to move soon and the lighter my load is the better, but I kinda like this version of myself that can let go of old junk.
anon
I’m really struggling with this- especially the fear that I’ll need something later and don’t want it to go to waste. Like extra pillows or something. I don’t use them, but what if one day I want/need them? Don’t want to have to run to target to get more pillows, and it seems wasteful. Or a computer bag I haven’t used since college, or a speedo swimsuit even though I haven’t swam laps in years (but maybe I’ll start! (lol)).
How did you get there!?
Country Biscuits
Yes! Do share!
Linda from HR
For clothing, I put a lot of stuff I never wore into Space Bags and put them in our basement storage unit. That way things were easy to get if I did decide I needed them (and I did end up retrieving some things), but the idea was that in a year or so I’d take everything out and, knowing I didn’t need that stuff for a year, be able to donate and/or recycle most of it. It’s been working well so far!
I tell myself “I haven’t needed this in a long time, what would make me need it now?” I ask myself, what’s the actual likelihood I’ll suddenly want it again? What would be the consequence of not having it? If it burst into flames right now, would I be upset? Would I run out and buy a new one? Probably not. I tell myself it’s inexpensive and easy to replace, and I could get a nicer version that suits my current needs.
And sometimes I have to be a jerk to myself. I pretend I’m someone else, a much more logical and less sentimental person going “Do you use it? No! Do you need it? No! It goes away.”
It helps that I can take things to H&M for recycling. I have no idea how that program is going, but it feels better knowing it might get repurposed, than knowing it’s headed straight for the landfill.
I also think about how much space it’s taking up. It’s tough to keep things neat and orderly if I have a surplus of stuff, and if it’s stuff I don’t need, it’s better to ditch the excess crap to free up space for the stuff I do use, making it easier to put that stuff away.
SA
Congratulations!
Frugal Friday PSA
I was in the market for a ponte blazer, but the one that so many here have raved about from Target was no longer available in my size, so I found a very similar style at Walmart (search for “George Women’s Ponte Suiting Jacket”) and I ordered two, in black and charcoal. I just picked them up and I am very impressed with the quality and fit, for such an inexpensive price (under $20 each.) Fit is TTS, the jacket does have shoulder pads but these are easily snipped out. The interior isn’t lined but the sleeves are, and the fabric is so soft. Hope this PSA can help other budget concious ladies out :)
Anon
Nice find! Now I just wish budget ponte blazers would come in colors – I’m all set for black and charcoal.
My favorite pair of tights ever were from the George brand. They lasted for YEARS and I threw them in machine to wash them! They just died this past winter – I’ll have to see about a replacement.
Anonymous
My Lo&Sons bag handles are falling apart. Anyone have luck with that company repairing or replacing things? I’ve had it for a while, but it hasn’t been especially well-used and it’s just the handles that are failing.
Anonymous
Yeah they’re great about it! Just call them.
JP
They’ve replaced my OMG twice now. Both times for free and they let me keep the old bag. Once because the handle was about to break and the other because the material around the zipper pulled. I’d be mad about an expensive bag ripping twice in one year, but since I got a free one to replace it, I’m not that upset…I still love that bag so effing much.
Anonymous
The lining of my Pearl bag ripped and they sent me a replacement.
Love L&S customer service
Yes, I had a two-year old OG bag where the handle started failing. I sent Lo & Sons a couple pics and asked them if they could fix it. They ended up sending me a whole new bag with a mailing label for me to send back the busted one. Excellent customer service.
westcoastjd
I am travelling to New York City for three nights for a friend’s wedding in a couple of weeks. I am wondering if anyone could give me some tips regarding “dos” and “don’ts” for casual wear for exploring during the daytime (we have formal wear for wedding and evenings covered). Forecast looks 80s and humid. We will be staying mostly in Brooklyn but will probably walk the High Line one day. At home, I would typically wear a solid or graphic print tee, a pair of jeans or a black skirt, and my puma walking shoes. Or maybe a solid t-shirt dress. I am not looking to compete for a most-stylish award or buy a whole new wardrobe, just to be comfortable and not stand out as a tourist. Any tips from those who have traveled to or live in NYC?
Anonymous
Your wardrobe sounds totally fine!
Anon in NYC
That sounds totally fine and you will not stand out as a tourist.
Anonymous
Agreed, that sounds fine. One of the great things about NYC is there is a huuuuge range of styles represented by residents – there is no set uniform in my opinion. You may be hot in pants so you might bring more skirts unless you are stoic about pants in the summer. Bring something long-sleeved too though in case you are inside somewhere over-air conditioned. There is a lot of putting things on and taking them off – outside is 80, inside a subway station can be over 100 (ugh), inside a subway car itself can be freezing, etc etc.
Cat
That sounds totally fine. Don’t dress like a Southern/Texan Mommy Blogger and you’re good.
Senior Attorney
The first time I went to NYC it was for a weekend and I brought one outfit for each day. Little did I know that you sweat through your clothes the minute you step outside, and I wished I’d brought more clothes so I could freshen up when I got the chance!
NYCer
Jeans during the daytime will be very hot if you’re walking around a lot. The evenings are even quite warm. Otherwise your outfit options sound fine! Clothes really run the gamut in NYC, even for residents.
I tend to stick with dresses and shorts in the NYC summer.
Anonymous
This is a complaint/PSA for the moms in the audience. If you have a hard stop due to a kid commitment, please communicate that to your superiors. Don’t just hope you’re going to magically wrap up the mountain of work on your plate by 6 when you have to leave for pick up. I would much rather arrange backup at 10 a.m. when I gave you an assignment than at 6 when everyone’s gone.
nutella
Not a mom, but doesn’t matter. 6pm is a very normal time for people to leave (and in fact a late time for kid pickup), unless the job’s hours (and pay) are known to extend well past that like… 9-9? and those obligations are known to all employees. Presumably this employee picks up his/her child every day around the same time? And thus did not think leaving at 6 would be a problem? Or is it possible you did not convey the urgency to him/her? Or that you did not indicate this may take more than 8 hours to complete and that it needed to be done in one day? This really has nothing to do with kids and everything to do with communication, but again at 6pm, no one communicates hard stops for whatever reason (train, appointments, kids, etc.)
Anonymous
Agree 100%
SC
+1. There’s a reason everyone’s gone at 6.
Anonymous
Wouldn’t this be true to anyone who has a hard stop, due to any commitment?
Bonnie
PSA for bosses, don’t give your employees work that must be done after 6 p.m. Unless you’re working shifts, 6 p.m. is a reasonable time for people to leave.
S Tampa
+1000
Iceland
I posted here a while ago about an upcoming trip to Iceland – thanks for the helpful advice! I have a question about the pools and nature baths. I know you have to bathe thoroughly and without a bathing suit before you enter the pool. Do I have to take off all my makeup too? Including eye makeup? I don’t plan to put my head under water but I don’t want to offend the locals. Somehow I’m more bothered by the prospect of being seen in public without makeup than I am by the lack of shower stalls.
Anonymous
Shower means shower thoroughly, even hair. Yes, your eye makeup can mess up the pool for others. You will survive without eye makeup. Don’t be a jerk
Godzilla
I have showered with my eyeliner on and entered the pool with said eyeliner. It was fine.
Beth
Yes, you have to remove makeup. You will want to remove your makeup at Blue Lagoon (there are face masks) and the other pools (at least the ones I went to) are YMCA-esque, i.e., no one in the Senior Water Aerobic class cares that you are not in makeup.
Anon
Dress recommendation.
I ordered the Lands End Women’s Cap Sleeve Knit Tie Waist Dress in Navy and it’s a winner. It’s a jersey knit, not a pointe knit, and it’s good for my Friday wear at a business casual office. I’m wearing it with a longer cardigan.
I’m 5’11” and usually wear a 1x. I ordered XL tall and it’s the perfect knee length. The shirt tail hem is less exaggerated than they show on the model.
On sale for $29.99. Link to follow.
Anon
https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-cap-sleeve-knit-tie-waist-dress/id_310455?sku_0=::M5V
Anon
I should mention that what I really like about it is the tie. It gives a defined waist and the hanging ties are good belly-flage.
Parfait
Hi size twin! Looks great, I might order it. I have $40 of LE gift card to use.