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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Wide-Leg Essential Pant in Cotton Poplin

A woman wearing orangey-pink pants, brown sandals, and gold bracelets

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

We are living in a golden age of pants. Maybe that’s a little bit dramatic, but I haven’t seen this many options for different types of stylish, work-appropriate pants in years. These wide-leg trousers from J.Crew look fantastic and are also 100% cotton and machine washable. Perfect for summer.

This “brilliant peony” color would look gorgeous with a crisp, white oxford shirt and some loafers for a casual Friday. 

The pants are $128 at J.Crew and come in sizes 00–24. They also come in three other colors. 

Looking for something with a lower price? These Old Navy pants are $24 on sale and available in regular, tall, and petite sizes up to 4X.

Sales of note for 12.5

276 Comments

  1. These pants are intriguing. Wide leg in poplin isn’t a combination I have seen, but appeal for hot weather in 2024. I probablly won’t pull the trigger myself, as I am cusp-sized and have had bad luck with the way brands upsize wide leg styles, but these could be promising for others and if JCrew has calibrated differently.

    1. Also cusp sized, and wide-legged pants make me look like a box. Not cute. Makes me sad because I love the style in theory.

    2. I wouldn’t pull the trigger because the pleats would not work well on my body, but I am so tempted.

      1. This, pleats are not friendly to my mid-40’s body. I had a pair of straight, wide leg chino pants with a flat tab front from Jcrew in the 2000’s and I would be thrilled if they came back with that style!

        1. +1
          Straight leg pants with a flat front (not pleats) and diagonal (not seam) pockets remain my holy grail.

    3. I am a small size and have the same problem with scaled-down clothes. It seems that brands now have one fit model who is maybe size 10? and then scale everything up and down from there on the basis of some arbitrary formula without adjusting relative proportions for sizes and without trying each size on a fit model. The waist-to-hip ratio on a size 0, a size 14, and a size 24 should not be the same. Conversely, some brands seem just to lop off an inch or two from the bust, waist, and hips for each size, resulting in ridiculously curvy small sizes.

      On a related note, I think the push for baggy styles, elastic waists, and “gender-inclusive” sizing is purely a way for manufacturers to avoid making clothes that actually fit people in multiple size ranges. XS/S/M/L/XL/XXL is much cheaper than making all the different sizes to fit women and men separately.

      1. Totally in agreement with you. I’m also small end of the size range and have a crazy difficult time finding pants that fit small enough at the hips/thigh (and that aren’t too small at the waist). In theory pants can be tailored down, but I’ve yet to find a tailor who can actually do it successfully.

      2. I am pretty sure they have always had one fit model, but they are now trying to fit a broader range of sizes. And while it suits me that brands are extending size ranges, sometimes it just doesn’t work so they might as well not.

        1. They had one fit model for misses’ and another for womens’, which wasn’t quite as bad. Now they just have one for both size ranges.

      1. Upper end of straight sizes to lower end of plus sizes. I used the term and I am a 14 or 16 US. Some brands don’t extend that far in straight sizes but plus size lines don’t fit either. I haven’t found, e.g., a 14W that fits because the proportions are off for me.

        1. Right. I can’t wear plus sizes because they are cut larger in all the wrong places. I’m a 14 most of the time and a 16 if the thighs are cut very slim.

    5. I like this Katharine Hepburn style of pant, though I suppose hers would have been made of a menswear fabric. Maybe you need to be built like Katharine Hepburn to pull it off.

    7. I am a short 12 and I find I love the look of both wide legs and pleats! Interestingly, I have found that the pleats create extra space for my stomach and make me look taller. I know that this flies in the face of conventional dressing for petites, but here’s one person who hopes the wide legs are here to stay!

  2. I love the golden age of pants! I hardly ever wear dresses anymore tbh. I’m really enjoying wide leg, cropped pants for summer.

    2. What kind of tops are you wearing with these? I feel like all my dressy tees are either too long or too short right now.

        1. Me too. Apparently GenZ thinks it’s dumb but I’m not going to have a waist any other way.

          1. Hang on – it’s dumb to tuck in your shirts? I thought we were supposed to be tucking!

            Gen Z is trolling us, y’all.

    3. Is this the golden age of pants??? I feel like it’s a horror show. Sticking to skirts and dresses until I feel inspired.

      1. +1 Not into the current cuts

        Also some of us just look better in skirts and dresses. I have found exactly zero pairs of pants besides jeans that are flattering on my body.

          1. But they are so tight they are…. leggings, essentially. I just don’t like wearing skin tight clothes at work. I don’t need to bring any more attention to my rear at work.

        2. Hm, if you look at the Old Navy alternative. I don’t wear those exact pants but that is basically the style of pants I wear every day. Classic chinos, more or less ankle length. (Everything is always going to be ankle length on me because I’m tall)

      3. Agree it’s a horror show. I’m a pants person, but as a short waisted short person with more belly than hips, high waists are miserably uncomfortable and wide legs look ridiculous. I’m just glad I WFH so I can get away with wearing athleisure most of the time and that I still have some old lower rise bootcuts and straight legs I can wear when I have to wear “real” pants.

        1. This!! Where are the mid-rise pants? Anyone able to find any? High rise is so uncomfortable (especially with a tucked-in shirt) and does my figure no favors, and even so, the waist is always too big so I also need a belt (I’d tailor, but this part of my body changes sizes a lot depending on what I’ve eaten, so not sure what to tailor to, even?). But I’ve started buying some to be able to wear pants after years of dresses only. Was hoping high-rise would end soon, but they outlasted my patience.

      4. Totally agree with you. For whom is this a golden age? Because it’s been rough out there. Even if I like the styles, the fits are so off.

      6. As a Floridian, I am now buying dresses for court and everything else. Dresses are so easy to dress up or down.

  3. Thanks for the advice yesterday about running/workout shorts especially for the curves! I am going to try a couple different Oiselle shorts but wondering if I will have the sizing right since it’s numeric and they have a return fee. I’m normally one size but often a smaller dress size fits my waist and I could see going down a size for comfort in shorts. Any advice?

    1. No experience with Oiselle but I go the other way and usually size up for shorts comfort. I think it helps them stay down without constant tugging.

    2. I wouldn’t size down in the pocket joggers– they’re stretchy and run TTS in my experience. I find the Rogas also run TTS, but could see going down a size if you’re in between.

    4. I missed yesterday’s convo but would not size down in Oiselle. I love their banana splits. Everything else I got was meh. It does wear like iron though. I’ve been lifting (need to get back to running) and have a booty now so I’m back in Lulu Speed up shorts. I wear the 2.5 in inseam under summer dresses that are just a tad too short to chase my 3 year olds around in. Hope this helps.

    5. Check their size charts and go by measurements, but I wouldn’t worry too much – I’ve gained weight and still am fine with my old pocket joggers. Ditto for the long Rogas. They are stretchy so you have a lot of leeway. And they do last forever. Also, they offer discounts pretty regularly – get on their mailing list.

    6. Their sizing charts are very accurate. You can also order Oiselle shorts from Title Nine (search “Oiselle” in the search bar); you have to pay return shipping, but no fee.

  4. How do you get through a stressful period? I’m leading a project that is launching in four months and there is so much to do. Every day is busy with meetings, working on written materials, answering emails, etc. My heart is racing every day from the stress and I can’t do this every day for the next four months.

    1. Try to find a time, daily, to shut work down. If you can go go go from, say, 8-8 (or whatever is required), then at 8 pm, shut your computer, do not go to email, start with that stuff the next day. You can’t stay in a state of high alert 24/7 — that way lies madness and illness.

      1. +1. I’m in a similar stressful period at work, and this is the time when you have to shut down at some point every day and then do something else. Not anything big, but something different. I highly suggest the something else be something physical – 10 min walk outside, 10 min on a treadmill or rower, 10 minute workout from Peloton or Youtube. Something to get you out of your head and release the tension in your body. My method is 10 minutes on the tread at a high incline, and it really does help.

        Also, it is a frustrating truth that at a certain point in many careers, you realize that there will always, always be a long to do list and you cannot get everything checked off in a week, day, etc like you used to when you were at a lower level in your career. I am realizing that this year and it suckkkkks as someone who used to love being inbox zero and check everything off before the weekend. However, in the moments where you can accept that everything that is on the to do list is not going to happen today, it kind of helps take the stress level down a notch. I’m definitely still trying to wrap my head around this all and figuring out where the line is between needing to work a little more, needing better processes/more people on the team, and needing to just understand that bigger things take more time and there will be a to do list, always.

        1. Yup. And as someone who really likes to check all the boxes, it’s been a tough adjustment to realize that my work is ever expanding and never truly done.

          1. I’m on a challenging team that likes to iterate endlessly. At a certain point, we do have to be done, and not let perfect be the enemy of good. My team thinks it’s ok to work 24/7, sending 10 PM or midnight emails with really minor changes that make no substantive difference.

    2. Im near the end of a similar period. I break things down so each day leading starts with a list and prioritize sleep. Thinking small and being rested helps things feel less overwhelming. I try to limit mindless phone scroll so off time feels like I’ve done something fun or relaxing and I plan something fun after so mentally I can remind my self “this time in two months it will all be over and I’ll be on a chair in the sun.” (Also helps with the crash that comes after.) To make things easier food wise I lean more heavily in to prepared foods at the grocery and Factor meals for dinner and I try not to beat myself up for a house that’s a little more messy.

    3. I truly do not understand why the American workforce thinks summer is a good time to roll out huge projects. If you don’t have kids, you want to take vacation. If you do have kids, you’re working double time and trying to keep them out of your hair. God forbid you might want to take some time off too. Ot’s madness. +1 to a hard stop every day and plan to take vacation the week after go-live. Anything after that is not your problem. Good luck.

      1. As someone who works in Government contracting, the fourth quarter (Jul-Aug-Sept) is our busiest quarter. I’m looking forward to retirement when I can actually enjoy a leisurely summer.

      2. As someone who doesn’t have kids, I never take vacation during the summer. I realize that everyone with kids has to do it then and it is super crowded everywhere. I take my vacations in the spring and fall. Almost all of my child-free kids do the same.

    4. Eat. Sleep. And workout. I know – I’ve been there. But anything you can do to make these three things happen will be good for you in both short- and long-term. And also good for the project.

      Sometimes I need very small goals. When I worked 90+ hour weeks (very unhealthy – do not recommend) I did the following:
      – Bought meat jerky, pre-hard-boiled eggs, and pre-cut veggies and dip, pickle packs any power bar I could stomach. Snacked on that during meetings. Grocery delivery to my office if I wasn’t going to be home during any normal hours.
      – Aimed to eat one vegetable a day and drink 20 oz of water a day. Yes more is better. But I needed a goal I could hit and maybe even beat.
      – Any time I went to the restroom, I took ten deep breaths standing still – hallway or at the sink. Closed my eyes, hands on stomach, through the nose, yoga-type breathing.
      – Started to noted what caused the stress: too many meetings? emails? me handling too much? It will feel like you can’t delegate. YOU CAN. Pick any thing – anything you remember learning in less than a week – and try to delegate. If you need to know information but aren’t the decision maker in a meeting, have someone who’s already there send you notes. [Or they can literally set their phone to record and closed caption and you can read that later if you’re a fast reader or have it read aloud at 2x – way faster than pauses in meetings.]
      – Your brain and your work product will be better if you sleep and take mental breaks. Pushing all the time means you will get things done but all the science we have says our decision-making is sharper with better health. It is worth it.
      – Try to take half days off on weekends. Go to a yoga class and don’t stress if you can’t do the poses – find a restorative class or outdoor, meditative yoga. Allow yourself to turn email notifications off on Saturday mornings, or Sunday nights.
      – Aggressively sort your inbox. Obviously you know who you MUST respond to and can’t delay during this time. but anyone else? Tell people if it’s not project-related, “I’m working on a project launch and do not have capacity for this. I suggest you reach out to ____ / If it’s still in progress in Q4, feel free to reach back out.” Or copy paste, “Confirming I received this email message. I’m in back-to-back meetings most of the next few weeks and my availability is limited. If my response or assistance is necessary for a decision, please reach out to [assistant? or use a Calendly link that only books 15 min increments?] for scheduling. Thank you for understanding.”
      – Encourage meetings you can control to take less time. Decide what you’re necessary for. Can the team you lead handle all meetings 10-2 hashing out options/pros/cons and then you have a 15-min meeting every morning at 9 and 4:30 (or whatever times capture the time zones you need) where they present the top two options and a recommendation to you? If you don’t trust your team to think through options, think about whether you can teach them what’s importnat to you. (“every decision we make is influenced by budget and customer impact. I need every option you consider to have a rough proposal for financial impact and how our customers would take this. The way I need you to show me you’ve considered those two items is by summarizing, “We considered Y and X. We recommend X because X costs 10% less and would require 3 fewer days of customer downtime.”‘) For written materials, if appropriate at all, use AI tools or junior staffers to rough draft or outline. Try something like, “I need you to add financials to this proposal. Get it back to me by tomorrow at noon. See last quarter’s report for how it should look.”
      – As best you can, don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your health. Take time with friends when you can – good friends understand if you can truly only make one happy hour per month and you protect the heck out of that time. Send gifts or $ if you can’t attend big life events for people. You are a better leader for recognizing this in yourself and for being willing to take steps.

      1. My gosh this is way longer than I thought. but you got me going! We’re rooting for you. I’ve reached out to this board for support and help in times I was totally underwater, personally and professionally. You will get through this. This internet stranger is proud of you for recognizing the stress is not good and that 4 months is too long. Take what is helpful for you in this time and disregard the rest. You’ll get through it!

        1. I’m not the OP but thank you for writing all of that out! It was helpful for me. :)

  5. There is a bookstore up for sale in my suburban town. I’m entering a time of life where I have time and money to dump into a hobby-project – we are on track for early retirement, kids are on cruise control and college is funded.

    I would love to buy it and turn it into something awesome for the community, but I can’t figure out what we need. It’s a suburban community with a huge population of school age kids. People tend to downsize after the kids graduate high school and leave town. The senior center is brand new. We are flush with salons and exercise places. Our library is excellent and this store is fairly close so I don’t want anything that would compete heavily. Maybe something complimentary would be ideal? We also have a big population of former commuters that now WFH from their large suburban homes, so some kind of coworking space might be fun.

    What are some great shops and/or community spaces in your town? We could potentially serve food but not open a full on restaurant.

    This is all pie-in-the-sky so I’m not looking for a reality check at this point, just spitballing ideas.

    1. A well-curated independent bookstore is what any community needs. Add an espresso bar and tables and armchairs where people can work or linger.

      1. Absolutely.

        I think you can go two ways. Focus on adults, coffee and pastries, small tables and armchairs and wifi, and good curated selection of books, small children’s section. Or focus on kids, make the cafe a kid friendly space with kid friendly snacks, have a rug and seating area for kids, do story times. Definitely still have an adult section but focusing more on bestsellers and beach reads. If the space is big you can definitely do both!

        Either way — my local independent bookstore has signs etc advertising that you can order any book through them and pick up in store, no shipping cost. They get shipments tuesdays and fridays and I can get almost any book through them as long in as little as 48 hours. It’s a pretty small store, but lots of people use this service rather than support Amazon and it greatly expands their reach. They also have a whole section where they sell “giftable” toys — almost everyone I know goes there to pick up a book and a toy for birthday parties (they wrap!), and at many birthday parties half the gifts come from there. They also do “tween nights”, where they do a craft and pizza or movie and pizza for the 8-12 crowd, usually on friday or saturday nights, timed so parents can have a date night. My kid is always begging to go to these, they are really popular.

        This is absolutely my husband’s and my dream, and if we had the funds to retire (ie not expect the store to do anything but break even), we would absolutely do it. If our neighborhood store is ever for sale, we would need to have a serious conversation about it.

        1. Gift wrapping is key. I don’t go to my neighborhood bookstore for all of my books (devoted public library user here) but it’s the best place to go for a quick gift. Especially because of the wrapping.

          1. This is a great point. There is a beloved independent bookstore in our town and at least half of the sales floor is fabulously curated gifts.

          2. +1 to the gifts, but things you’d want to receive–not weird tumblers, pillows, or trinket trays. I love the idea from the poster below about nice wine and chocolate. Maybe some high end corkscrews, high quality kid toys, in addition to books, for gifts.

        2. Someone in my city tried to open up kid cafes and they tanked. Pretty much limited the demographics to SAHMs, no one else was interested.

    2. I mean, I’d love for my neighborhood to have a bookstore. Preferably one with a cafe with good coffee. Why not keep that?

      1. Yeah, I’d keep a bookstore and do reading challenges for kids, bookclubs for tweens. If there’s space, offer it to community groups.

    3. Combo of coworking, book/magazine/card/coffee shop and cafe! All done very pretty so you want to be in there.

    4. This is a dream straight out of Hallmark and people here will tell you all the ways it’s dumb. But if you have the time and money including money too lose why not? Personally depending on how big it is, I’d keep it a bookstore but with lots of space for people to come work or study. The way people used to go to Barnes and Noble but would be getting work done rather than buying. IDK how big this store is so I think you’d prob have to shrink the bookstore part of it. While I’m against food businesses generally – code, cleanliness etc – to monetize from people just hanging out working, you’d have to sell coffee and snacks as people tend to buy if available. I’d really look into this. Of course this is coming from someone who is looking to leave law by buying a business though w different type – more construction supplier than community facing for me.

      1. I wonder if you could outsource the food slightly? Is there a local coffee shop that could do a pop-up?

        1. Yes—outsource the food to a restaurant with a good reputation. There’s nothing sadder than a poorly thought out pastry counter and employees who hate serving food. Maybe open a coffee shop next door if money stretches that far. There’s one where I live connected to a bakery—both small, but offers the necessary separation between food and paper products.

        2. I’m in NYC and my favorite coffee shop gets pastries delivered from balthazar daily. They are amazing and people definitely go there specifically for them — with minimal effort from the coffee shop on the pastry front.

    5. One of the best things in my suburban town is this coffee shop that employs people with intellectual disabilities. [It’s a non-profit, I believe.] It’s great for many reasons, and maybe some of these would work in your town:
      1. The coffee is good, and it has big tables for working or hanging. There are board games and puzzles for kids.
      2. The mission is terrific, so people want to support it.
      3. There are times when they do community things: could be hanging artwork by a local artist; could be a small band; could be a new-moms meet up, etc.

      1. So I get that people would want things like this, but as a small bookshop patron, this would make me nuts. I like a homey and quiet space to explore books, see what’s new, and a meet up group or kids studying would be too distracting and the wrong atmosphere. Especially if the library is right down the road.

      2. My town also has an excellent nonprofit cafe that employs adults with intellectual disabilities. No big tables or board games, so I don’t think we’re in the same town. I love the mission.

    6. Keep it as a bookstore and add snacks, drinks, etc. Bonus points if it’s appealing to the teens and tweens who need a spot to hang out. I think it would be a real community asset!

      1. No. This is what the library is for. People who want to discover and sit with books do not want to do it in a teen/tween hangout spot. Unless you’re enforcing a quiet atmosphere with soft music.

        Same with meetup groups. Unless you’re opening the space for this purpose before or after hours, it’s not the right vibe for a small bookstore.

        1. You can have tween/teen stuff at designated times and people who want to avoid them can come the rest of the time. My town has an awesome local bookstore like this and it’s popular with just about everyone.

        2. “”[D]iscover and sit with books”

          I remember when that’s what the library was for and am sort of salty that it’s not a good setting for peace and quiet anymore. Now get off my lawn!

        3. I mean you are aparently a weirdo who only shops in silence but lots of us like a lively bookshop.

          1. This reads as hostile. The idea is to create a space to sell books and make money. You do that by allowing people the atmosphere to focus on their purchase. Anyway, “lots of us” does not equal “most of us.” The OP will figure that out with her own research and the vibe of her own community.

          2. I am a weirdo. I absolutely want to shop everywhere in silence. I don’t want music and I don’t want you yelling hello at me when I walk in.

          3. I would like to shop with Anon @ 11:43. There are several small local shops near me that I really want to patronize, but the owners have been so intrusive each time I walked in that I just cannot stand browsing there any longer.

            The worst is the yarn shop. I am a very accomplished knitter and have gone in there wearing some of my more intricate pieces. Each time the owner pounces on me, tries to explain yarn to me like I am a dumb toddler, and tells me I really should take her basic, entry-level class so I can appreciate the effort that goes into knitting (it’s a class to make a garter stitch potholder square out of chunky cotton). One time I pointed out that my lace-weight hat with allover fair isle colorwork using seven different colors is one I designed and knit myself, and she told me I was silly to make wild claims like that (???). She stocks some really lovely yarn; I just wish I knew if she had a day off so I could shop there but avoid her.

          4. @ 12:36 why are yarn stores always so awful. I’m also an experienced knitter but I usually get treated like I’m a homeless person looking for a place to sleep. And if you’re a yarn store, why wouldn’t you stock enough of a same dye lot yarn to do an entire project?

            Don’t get me started, obviously.

        4. There’s different small bookstores with different vibes. I certainly enjoy the quiet type of stores, but I also love the busy ones. If there was a new moms group once a week at the bookstore, you better believe I would be there every week of maternity leave and often would leave with a book. The OP just has to decide what kind of store she wants to run, and would do well in her community.

          1. Yeah, I don’t want to shop at a bookstore where other patrons have spilled coffee and crumbs on the book I am looking to buy. I like that my local bookshop does not have any seating and the cafe is a separate store next door (not connected, separate owners).

    7. I would love for my quaint suburban town to have a: good thrift store, a diner-type restaurant (ours are all more bespoke), a great kids clothing store. What we have that I love: a bookstore (airy, sells coffee), a plant store, a hardware store, good restaurants, a wine shop, a butcher, and a kids art studio (they have regular and one off classes and are gentle, quaint and inviting).

      1. Also – I’d be tempted to own an independent bookstore just to try to become friends with Ann Patchett.

    8. Actual classics and lesser known volumes by impactful authors that people will want to discover and then own and buy for others.

      Children’s classics that will spark memory and (hopefully) and inclination to buy for the children in their life.

      Your own favorites that you want to impart onto a broader audience (a perk of ownership).

      High quality journals and a gift wrapping service.

      2. Our local bookstore is a gift, as every single person who works there KNOWS books. Like, knows all the books in the store. My children walk there (and blow their allowance in this store), but have never walked out without a perfectly curated set of books that is unique to each of their tastes. They can talk for hours with my 12 year old daughter who is a voracious reader of thick fantasy books, then turn around and recommend non-fiction historical stories to my son. They have turned two incredibly different children into Readers, and it is my favorite place in the world to shop.

        This one doesn’t serve food or have tables, but does sell fancy wine and chocolate from a local supplier. I think they scratch the itch as noted above for folks looking for a quick gift or a new book.

    10. My best advice is to check out other stores in surrounding towns that are thriving. See what combinations work and see what is just dead at all hours and hanging on by a thread.

      Try to do some sort of market research into co-working spaces. What is the fee structure? How does that differ from the hangout spaces? Would you have a secure WiFi for them? Privacy?

      Unlike previous posters, I don’t agree that it should be quiet. (You can help make it quieter by adding in a lot of noise dampening material, if needed.) The library is for quiet; coffee shops are for catching up.

    11. Bookstore cafe combo is my dream! Sell newspapers and magazines in the front, then books, then a coffee shop with pastries and quiche type things and a space for book clubs and people to sit and meet. Display local art on the walls that is also for sale. Host evening events with live music and wine.

    12. Have you been to kramerbooks in washington DC? Opening something similar would be my dream.

    14. +1 to the bookstore idea. Personally I love a well curated and clean used bookstore that mixes in new titles. Here’s my bookstore that I like to daydream about:

      Bookstore called “Book Club”
      Used bookstore with limited new popular titles
      5-10 book club events a month, each a different genre
      The book club book picks are the new books that get purchased each month
      The book club picks are displayed covers out on the shelf when you first walk in the door
      You can drop in to book clubs, or you can buy a book club membership that includes a discount on each months book. Each genre book club is a different membership
      Include a “silent book club” – these are crazy popular in the local bookstores around me

    15. This sounds amazing. I would have a bookstore and offer things like proper art classes, art history, lectures on various interesting topics by local experts, writing clinics, communication skills coaching, kids social skills classes and small group music lessons if you are really brave. 8/9am Saturday morning is going to be quiet so a music lesson at that time wouldn’t impact those wanting a quiet moment to read. My kids didn’t like guitar lessons but loved violin lessons. There is also the ukulele.

    16. I don’t live in Nashville but I believe Ann Patchett’s bookstore is the model of a bookstore that also serves as a community gathering place.

    17. A kid-friendly bar. Seriously, serve wine, beer and juice. Have a play area. It would be a great date for adult socialization without a babysitter.

      1. There is a place I’ve been to (in a different state, so I can’t go often, sniffle) that does this! It has farm to table food (order at the counter), beer, wine, cider, amazing nitro cold brew, a large back patio, bean bag toss, literal acres of lawn, and a playground. If they opened a satellite location near me, I might never leave. Take the kids, take the friends without kids, hang out.

    18. My dream/plan for retirement is a bookstore cat cafe. I would work with a local shelter to have adoptable cats roaming the store, and have a few permanent cats that live there. Bring in or offer food and drink from a local food place. I know a cat bookstore is not for everyone but this is what I would do!

    19. You may need to do market research but I feel like a bookstore cafe that also had newspapers would be a draw. I know it’s all about online news but there’s a certain appeal to grabbing the latest WSJ or local town paper or seeing the headlines out of the UK or Paris. It’s the type of thing that’d bring people in periodically rather than just once. Now IDK how you get people to buy because we all remember people going to Barnes and Noble, reading magazines and leaving but that may be where the cafe comes in. The papers are the loss leader but once in store people will buy a delicious coffee or cookie.

      1. I went to the Sacher hotel in Vienna to get coffee and cake a few years back, and they had the newspapers on those old fashioned wooden poles–I loved it and wished I could have something similar in my own hometown.

        I occasionally ask my library to get more periodicals in, because I like doing this exact thing.

    20. Counterpoint, I can’t remember the last time I went into a bookstore. I mostly get books for free on the Libby app through my local library. I occasionally go to the physical library, and I’ll get something off Amazon to load onto my Kindle if it’s unavailable elsewhere. I used to love having physical books, but we simply don’t have room for them in our condo.

      1. I prefer to read on my Kindle because I have run out of bookshelf space. When I want new ideas for what to read, though, I will go to an independent bookstore to discover new titles and authors and I will buy the printed books to keep the bookstore in business. I donate or pass along the books when I’m finished reading.

      2. Same. I can’t remember the last time I was in a book store.(I was an English major and work in publishing, too!) All my reading (several books a month) is either done on Audible since my time is in the car, walking the dog, doing chores or else on a Kindle since I’m probably traveling and don’t want all the weight. When even the big stores are struggling to make it, I think the independents are having it even tougher. I wonder when the last time anyone bought a book at a bookstore was for all of those commenting. On the rare occasion that I do buy an actual book, it’s usually online because I’m thinking of the title or topic for a particular reason and I don’t want to delay the purchase.

        1. I pre-order upcoming new books through my local bookstore instead of online (so far that’s been easy to do). I hear this is the main way to support authors (vs. waiting for the books to come out first), though I don’t know if that is true.

          Our book store also has a used book section that’s convenient for browsing, so I’ve bought things there when I had a need to kill time downtown and wanted a break from a screen. But usually I’m spending my money on the coffee, wine, or cheese. They host a lot reading groups/book clubs and sometimes talks and events, so it’s a community space. They have some gifts, but not as good a selection as the last bookstore I lived near.

          One model I see often near me is a local coffee shop opening a satellite location in a bookstore.

    21. My preferred community space is a bookstore. I would be pretty bitter at any business that tried to replace one of my local bookstores; just find an empty storefront if you want to open a different kind of business!

      1. I think this thread is making clear that people have very strong opinions about the types of stores that open in their communities. I feel the same way, but I’ve always loved bookstores and the personalities that their owners give to the spaces.

        If a community aspect is desired, maybe sunrise yoga, early morning/late evening AA classes or meet ups. To the poster above who advocated keeping food and books separate—agree strongly. Keep it clean and crumb free.

      2. I’m the OP here and it’s for sale because the owners are old and tired of trying to modernize. It is only weird random hours and has not much traffic right now.

        1. Ah. Consistent hours are necessary for a business like this, preferably in the 10 a.m.-8 p.m. timeframe. It’s annoying trying to pick something up last minute only to find the store hours unaligned with your needs.

          I think it’s probably important to not try to do too much, to have a reasonably easy POS system, and to give customers a reason to come in, spend money, and to feel good doing it. Do you even want a bookstore, or is that just the current use?

    22. If this doesn’t have to generate a true profit, what about all of the above stores! Growing up in South Dakota, Sioux Falls had a variety shop in a historic building that was a bookstore, jewelry/art/houseware boutique, cafe and ice cream parlour. https://www.zandbroz.com/sioux-falls.html

      It’s still there and continues to look adorable. I think running a bookstore/boutique/cafe hybrid with an event space would be fun to host artist/author discussions targeted to different ages.

      I’ve also see houseware boutiques combine with garden/succulent supply to host gatherings for kids and womens groups.

    23. I really enjoy multi-use spaces. There is one near me that is a coffee cafe during the day with foosball and board games and by night (after 6) becomes a bar. There are sofas and tables.

    24. Long time bookworm and library employee here. Are you sure you have plenty of money to keep your business afloat? My library is downsizing further from two major downsized in the last 10 years. Our demographics (college students) are not checking out or reading books in print unless they’re required for class. Our local library is doing well due to established sales tax and a great volunteer base. They’re also moving more to ebooks, as they should.
      I myself (250+ books read a year), only buy or borrow ebooks now. Paper books just clutter up my house and I prefer my ereader. I buy books, yes, but not paper books (i.e. from independent bookstores.)

      As far as locally, we haven’t been able to keep bookstores (chain, independent, or used alive). We do have a subpar B&N which mostly sells tchotchkes, manga, and comics as far as I can tell. I don’t think they’d stay in business otherwise. Someone just opened an independent book store, which got a lot of press, but I’m guessing it won’t survive. We’ll see.
      All this to say, does your suburban town have a lot of retirees, or older people who still read in print? That may be something to consider. Younger people will continue to move to ebooks or newer technology, as time goes by.

      1. Two more things, you’ll need to match Amazon prices, so the markup will not be high. As said above by a commenter, consistent open hours are important, since your customers will be impulse buyers or leisure time shoppers (nights? weekends?). Bookstores that seem to survive in our state are in picturesque upscale shoppable/walkable towns and are more like boutiques. I’m guessing that selling/turning over their inventory to keep up with the newly published stuff would be challenging. They seem to go more for picture books, gift books and attractive non fiction in their inventory. i.e. They don’t have a lot of YA paperbacks and their new fiction is very curated.

  6. I want to recommend J.Crew Factory’s “beach sweater” — I just got one as a light layer for summer, and it’s nice! Very soft and looks like it will hold up well.

    2. I have one that has spent a year and a half out through the washer and dryer and still looks good.

  7. Is there a way to partially have my head and still have it be work/age appropriate? Any suggestions on inspiration?

    For context, I’m 35 (with 3 kids), work at a business casual company in DC and have long frizzy brown hair that currently goes to my lower back.

    2. You could do an undercut on one side or in the back. Or just go for it and shave it all. I work with a very cool lady with buzzed hair (I don’t know what length setting it would be but it is not shaved all the way down to the scalp) and she dyes it purple.

    3. I don’t think the partially shaved or undercut styles work well with frizzy hair, only straight hair.

    5. I’ve had pixie-cut hair for about 10 years now, and I used to have an undercut that morphed into a half-shave. It was cool as hell but the upkeep was even more annoying that it is for a regular pixie.

      That said, you only live once, it’s hair and it grows back. Go for it.

    6. It would be totally fine in my business casual company in my business casual industry in my upper midwest state.

      Have you tried a shorter cut? I had long hair until a few years ago when I did a covid chop (when I was 35 :)), and then progressively have gotten a little shorter until now I have a chin length bob. My hair is wayyyyy easier to manage and less frizzy – maybe because there’s less of it I can style it much more easily. I would never blow-dry my long hair because I had a really hard time managing all of it, but I do enjoy styling my short hair (Revlon one step dryer + lightly running the straightener through).

      But you are thinking of shaving, which is even shorter – I would say go for it or a pixie. It grows back! Life is too short to want a haircut and not get it. The short cuts definitely require a lot more maintenance (hair cuts) than long hair. I could go 6-9 months between cuts/colors with my long hair and now I’m 12 week max (and I should have went in at 8 week like my stylist told me I would want to).

    7. Try a shorter cut. Lower back length is really, really long. You could cut off a foot of hair and still have long hair that’s more manageable.

    8. I work in a business casual company near DC and had a coworker who did an undercut on her medium length curly hair. It looked great on her and nobody blinked an eye. We also currently have multiple staff members with nose rings, visible tattoos, or nonstandard hair colors (purple, etc.) which nobody cares about. An undercut or partially shaved head feels like it’s in about the same category. In fact, I’d much rather work with someone with a partially shaved head than all the guys who can’t seem to dress themselves or get a decent haircut once in awhile.

    9. My sister has very, very thick hair and has an undercut to make the weight of it manageable. She can style it to look edgy if she wants, but if she is wearing it down you would have no idea half her scalp has a buzz cut.

  8. My prenatal care provider seems to be doing something sketchy with coding my prenatal visits as NOT prenatal visits so they can charge me co-pays, even though my health plan, the Affordable Care Act, and guidance from relevant federal agencies are all clear that prenatal visits are “preventive care” with “no cost-sharing.” My plan confirms in multiple places that “office visits” for pregnancy have a $0 copay. So frustrating! The prenatal care office keeps claiming that “anything before the initial prenatal visit isn’t a prenatal visit,” even though the only reason I have EVER visited their office is care related to this pregnancy. I do not get regular OB care there. Then they’re saying they didn’t “confirm” the pregnancy and “start prenatal care” until a specific date of their random choosing, even though I have the proof that I had THREE ultrasounds prior to that date performed by their office. I did pay a copay for the very first visit – when I was standing at the reception desk with abdominal pain and they didn’t know for sure if I was pregnant or not. They’re trying to get multiple bites of the apple here.

    It’s tempting to pay the copay and make this go away, but I’m tired of this crap and I’m fighting it. Send help. Has anyone had this happen and been able to fight it?

    Also, I heard two other patients expressing surprise at copays they were being charged. I think there is something rotten here.

    1. Contact your insurance company. They will likely contact this provider and tell them to cut it out or get dropped.

      2. I’d also make sure the doctor was aware of this practice and consider finding a new obgyn if they don’t stop. It’s unethical and I wouldn’t trust them.

      3. Healthcare finance person here- what they are doing can be considered fraud. It’s a big no-no and a provider can get in a LOT Of trouble for this. Mistakes in coding are one thing, but repeated errors of the same type look intentional (especially when you have documentation of services to support your position, which you have) and will be flagged as a problem if reviewed by an outsider. You absolutely should report it to the insurance company,. If you’re feeling feisty, you can also report it to the appropriate state agency in your area (Dept of Health, Dept of Financial Services, Fraud prevention bureau), etc. They will investigate and it will be a major headache for the provider since they can broaden their review to claims beyond just yours. I’d also change providers if that’s possible. Most providers know the rules and do their best to follow them. This one does not sound like part of that group.

        1. Interesting – so you don’t think they have any legitimate reason to do this? The receptionist said “the first visits are outside of the global OB payment,” which may or may not be true, but IMO, the provider payment scheme shouldn’t change my plan’s policy on patient copays.

          1. The rules for what is included in the ‘global payment’ are spelled out for the provider. Seems to me that a first ultrasound would be related to pregnancy and would mark the start of prenatal care. Additional visits would be considered part of prenatal care and therefore included in the global fee – so no copays would be due from you. I would report it ASAP to the insurance company as they are the group most likely to respond quickly. I would also ask the insurance company if you should withhold payment of the copay while the insurer investigates. Likely they will say yes, and will inform the provider during their investigation that they have advised you not to pay so you don’t have to deal with the provider’s billing office. Good luck!

    2. As a healthcare regulatory/insurance attorney, contact your insurance company and (i) your state Division of Insurance if you have a fully insured plan or (ii) the US Dept of Labor if you have a self-insured plan. Inform them what is happening and say you want any monies you paid in excess of your cost sharing obligations.

  9. Thank you to everyone who commented on my post yesterday – I will take all the input on board x
    Onwards…

  10. I’m not normally someone who cares about these things but kind of annoyed at the double standards on display so openly in my friend and family groups. One couple both work, mom is an OR nurse in NYC and dad a recruiter, they have a 2 yr old. Dad is off on a week long trip with his buddies golfing in Scotland. So mom is working in the OR and holding down the fort with the baby, daycare etc. Everyone going on about how great his trip is etc, not one person saying – but who is watching your kid? You left your wife alone with a toddler to vacation?

    Flip side different couple with much older kids like ages 8 and 10. Mom is from India and her parents are still there. She went to India for 1 week to visit her aging parents alone. EVERYONE – where did she leave HER kids?? Uh they have a father, they’re not just HER responsibility. Omg he has to feed them for 7 days ALONE and take them to school and do a load of laundry OMG. Basically hinting she’s the worst wife and mom ever. Makes me rage and I generally am very accepting of – this is how people are. But wow even women have internalized that women should work themselves to death for their families and if they take any time away, they are awful. And let’s be real visiting elderly parents is hardly a fun vacation. Meanwhile dudes deserve that time away.

    1. Now just add the extra component of mom taking any risk on her vacation, like going skiing, if you really really want to see some judgment.

        1. It does NOT have to be this way – two elementary kids, either my husband or I are traveling each week, him maybe a little more than me, and no one has ever made any of these kinds of comments to me. Also, my husband keeps our home better than I do in some regards, and I am better in others. I went on a week long friend trip last month, and he handled everything. He would be SO weirded out if a bunch of grandmas offered to cook him food. Please just start giving people the side eye this kind of behavior deserves and do what you want to do and make your husband keep house and kids equally with you, which BTW to me means an equal amount, not necessarily exactly the same thing. I mean, I have literally NEVER changed the air filters, put up the holiday lights, blowed out the backyard, mowed the lawn, or fixed a sink, and I have no intention of doing so because I will happily take on jobs that I prefer.

    2. Yes. I work outside the home and my husband freelances and is a stay-at-home dad, so our various duties look different than what some people expect. The attitudes, comments, and “concerns” about this structure — which works very well for us — are legion, and they come from EVERYWHERE, old and young, parents and not, strangers, family, acquaintances.

    3. One of my mom friends is from China and she’s going back home with the kids this summer and the older Chinese ladies in our community organized a meal train for her husband so he gets hot meals dropped off multiple times per week. I get it that this is longer than a standard vacation, but she’s taking the kids and he has no parenting responsibilities while she’s gone… the man can fend for himself for a few weeks!!

      1. Hahaha I have a friend whose husband is a highly educated law partner but he “can’t” cook. Like…what? Any adult is capable of opening a cookbook or following a recipe on Youtube.

        1. He can have a bowl of cereal like a normal person! Or order Hello Fresh and learn some skills. My husband isn’t a good cook, but he can definitely feed himself.

          1. He can have a bowl of cereal like a normal person! Or order Hello Fresh and learn some skills. My husband isn’t a good cook, but he can definitely feed himself.

        2. A family friend (couple with adult kids) was going on a trip to India and her husband said that he couldn’t possibly be expected to take care of himself. She was going because her parents are sick. They ended up having their adult son move back home to babysit dad. Dad is also high up at an investment bank.

        3. I am very happy for my friend who is divorcing her jerk husband who would ask her to cook meals in advance for him and the kids whenever she would go out of town.

      2. That’s ridiculous and were i asked I wouldn’t participate just out of principle. A grown able bodied man should be able to feed himself – cook, act like a bachelor and eat wings nightly. Whatever. His wife isn’t supposed to be his servant. If he can’t feed himself oh well.

      3. Unfortunately some moms are their own worst enemy here. I’ve seen moms prepare meals or do prep chores that no one asked for before their husbands take over and it seems like a lot of extra work and a fast track to resentment.

        1. Definitely! Does my husband fold laundry as neatly as I do? No. Is it better than doing it myself? Yes.
          I packed my husband lunch and snack today, because he was chaperoning the class field trip and it was a way of showing my appreciation that he took one for the team there. But I assume if he wants lunch at work, he can make or buy it.

          1. This! You have to let go of him doing it “your way”. My husband folds towels one level above a toddler but he gets them in the right spot in the linen closet and the world doesn’t end. He also loads the dishwasher in a way I never would but I throw that detergent in there and start it anyways.

          2. I have yet to figure out how my husband can make all my t-shirts increase 3x in volume when he folds them. But he folds them, so I do not say anything. I won my victory on him no longer soaking water glasses 20 years ago.

        2. I hear you, but that’s not the case here – the Chinese grannies were just horrified at the thought of a man being alone and decided they needed to take care of him.

        3. I have a friend that does this, and it makes me insane. No wonder she never wants to go on a girls’ trip, with all the expectations she’s put on herself. I know the couple well. The dad and kids wouldn’t be eating gourmet meals but they would be FINE.

        4. Oh please. If my mom had asked my dad to help with this sort of chore, I firmly believe that he would have left us.

    4. I see this all the time with my friends who are moms and it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to have children. The double standard is insane and I have zero interest in being a part of it.

      1. It’s the worst part of being a mom, tbh. I love my kids to the moon and back. I enjoy parenting. But the double standards are insane and unfair.

    5. Ugh it’s so annoying. My husband travels frequently for work and I handle our kid while he’s gone – which is fine! But I’m going on a business trip next month and everyone is aghast. “Oh who will be watching [child]? Are you hiring a babysitter to help [husband] out?” Um, no, DH is a competent adult and he will deal with it, same as I always do. The double standard is nuts.

      1. I swear to god. I traveled for years and when I’d arrive in a different office in a different city, someone would invariably ask “where are the kids?”

        I started answering “still in my suitcase.”

      2. Adding on to this: I had a high risk pregnancy, and after that, decided against more kids. The actual living child I have has needs, which includes Mom being around.

        You would not believe the number of people simultaneously telling me to (1) risk my life for a second pregnancy, and (2) my 40 hour a week WFH job is somehow an abomination because “toddlers need their moms.” WHICH ONE IS IT?

        1. These people reconcile their seemingly contradictory demands by saying that if you are a good mother and do everything perfectly you will survive that pregnancy. If you don’t survive it then it was your fault for being a bad mother.

    6. I commuted by plane for 2 years – generally gone about 30% of the time – and people in town treated my husband like he was a widow! And he’d get annoyed that they were questioning his competence, and say “Cb has to fly twice a week! That’s way worse than parenting one easy kid!” If I was gone for a long stint, sometimes a grandparent would come, but we realised his mum is more work than help, while my dad LIVES for doing the school run and will treat them to Chinese food.

      I’m a really good, engaged, loving mum, I’m just not there for bedtime every night, and that’s fine.

      My husband’s going to Canada to see his dad for 10 days in the autumn, and my mom is flying in to help and keep me company. Also, maybe help my son with his showers, because I always get told I’m doing it WRONG because it’s always been my husband’s job. I tend to take a short friend trip each year, and feel no guilt.

      1. I commuted all the way across the US for a handful of years. No one cared that it was hard on me or anything but that my “poor” husband had to do so much!

        My husband had been a SAHD for a few years when our kids were under 3. He knows how to use the microwave & how to get the kids to school in the morning.

        It worked fine for us, but I had to learn to ignore what everyone else had to say about it.

    7. Push back. The people who were just thoughtless will take a second look at their blind spots. The people who really believe it’s different for men will at least learn to STFU around you.

    8. I’ve worked at home for years with periods of travel – roughly 70% at home, 30% travel though it’s gone down post pandemic. Despite having either an au pair or sitter to help people treated my husband like a war hero for his efforts. It makes me ragey especially because he runs his own business and my pension, health insurance, FSA, etc. are all a BIG part of funding our lifestyle (paying out of pocket for medical insurance is no joke in the US!).
      On the plus side – I’m in my 40s and I’m increasingly seeing women flat out tell their husbands to shape up or ship out. They’ve realized they are doing 80% of the work PLUS working full time and once they’re out of the baby/toddler years it becomes easier to step back and realize that the marriage isn’t equitable and they have options!

    9. As someone committed to the DINK lifestyle, I hate that parenting is considered a women’s issue. It is a parent issue. It is an issue for two (or more) parents of any gender to figure out. Companies should be flexible for all employees so that they can have a fulfilling life and that should not be limited to parenting.

    10. Preach. What I see is a lot of comfort with women who work in traditionally feminine professions (teaching, etc.), to make some money to help the family, but a lot of discomfort with women who work the same hours but bring home much more money. It’s stupid. Earning money benefits the household. Taking care of the kids benefits the household. These are all things that just need to be done.

    11. Preach. My DH goes on an annual guys’ trip. Everyone fawns all over his trip and does not give two sh ! ts that I’m holding down the homefront, getting kids where they need to be, etc. Do I get to go on an equivalent trip? No, I do not, because the women in my social circle don’t want to be away from their husbands and kids for that long.

      1. Go solo! I would not give my husband an annual trip away without taking a commensurate amount of time “off.”

    12. It is ridiculous. I worked in an office for the State while hubby had a home based business before it was all the rage. That meant he supervised homework afterschool and had dinner ready every night. The teachers were much more condescending to me but when he showed up for a parent teacher anything, they were completely deferential. And, the PTA moms treated him like a possible predator.

    13. Once I got past 40 (43 now), I was hit hard with a realization that marriage and motherhood was a con for most women. I am so thankful that I never married or had children, though I wanted both of those things for years. My poor mom died fairly young, and I am convinced she was simply exhausted taking care of my dad and us kids – alone.

      Most men are so helpless, and by design. I briefly dated a former Marine with 4 advanced degrees that didn’t know how to turn on his oven – which he hilariously blamed his mother for, though he had flown the nest 30 years prior.

      I have nothing but sympathy for any working mother. The only mothers I see who appear to be doing fine either have VERY high-earning husbands or VERY involved house-husbands.

      1. The judgment from others described here is annoying, but I feel like I’m doing fine and so do a lot of my friends, and I’m either ultra high earning nor do I have a husband who stays home. I do think that having two “big” careers and kids (especially kids plural) is very challenging, but a 40 hour/week job isn’t really incompatible with 1-2 kids.

      2. Oh my god. My husband (who otherwise is a fully competent adult/parent) “doesn’t know how to work the daycare app”. The man is an f-ing CFO. Figure it out, dude.

      3. I am 39 and reaching the point where I see marriage and motherhood as nothing but a burden for women. Happily single.

    14. A few weeks ago there was that woman who gave birth and then defended her thesis a few hours later. Yes she is amazing. But why?!

      We act as though pregnancy and childbirth are nothing more than a inconvenient common cold. Can you imagine if men also gave birth? I suspect our society would be much more lenient if that were the case.

      1. To a certain extent, it’s still socially unacceptable to talk about any downsides of birth. It’s either TMI or you’re “scaring” people and discouraging them from having their own children.

        1. I think most people are incapable of handling the cognitive dissonance that comes with acknowledging the realities of pregnancy, birth (and early infant care, including bfeeding), and their deeply ingrained belief that this is something women can be expected to do.

      2. I’ll always remember leaving the hospital after having given birth the day before, and barely being able to walk (super painful stitches). On the drive home, I could see people walking into the ER. If I’d felt as beaten-up as that without the childbirth part (struggling to walk, very painful poops, struggling to cook as it requires standing which causes so much bleeding, etc), it would definitely be a hospital visit. Disgusting that mothers are treated so poorly.

    15. Threads like this always make me so thankful for my husband, who does stuff like goes on a 3-4 day guys trip to Vegas but, before he goes, without me asking, (1) does ALL the laundry before he leaves and a ton of cleaning stuff, (2) prepares all of our kid’s lunches for each day DH is gone and makes sure we have enough of the “basics” in the house – milk, coffee, breakfast foods (3) makes sure that I have at least a manicure/ facial/massage booked before he leaves so the the knows I get a mental break soon after he gets back.

      I have a son and I view/analyze so many of my parenting choices though the lens of “what do I do in order to raise him so that he does not end up the subject of one of the ‘incompetent husbands/dumb gown men’ posts on the internet?” Time will tell if any of my methods work, but I am trying to avoid that from happening.

      1. yep! My husband is a SAHD and before he goes anywhere (family wedding, guy’s trip), he makes sure his “job” is covered – all the laundry done, garbage out, car filled with gas, pre-made meals in the fridge and freezer, extra childcare and lawn care/snow removal arranged.

    16. I take one or two solo or friend trips a year and often go out on weeknights with friends. My husband goes out too but less so. I honestly have never gotten that kind of commentary in NY.

      i don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting help when you’re solo parenting though. I often call my mom to come over to help.

  11. I just need to vent. My usually great husband has been an a jerk lately. I have no idea what his problem is I’m but ticked off. Last night I left him two fed bathed kids who only needed to be put to bed. We’d agreed I could go to the gym. I come home to an awake but put to bed toddler. At 930. Then my very upset eight year old is yelling something while I tried to brush my teeth. Now husband is yelling about how “no one helps me” because the toddler had a potty training accident and he can’t deal with the mess. He treats poop like it’s nuclear waste that he needs to clean as slowly as possible. It makes me insane. I had to kick his hysterical butt out of the bathroom and deal with everything. This morning he’s huffing and puffing that he had to drive the toddler to school and he’s late for the train. Meanwhile I’m the one who woke up the cranky toddler and fed and dressed her while he decided to take the eight year old to the bus stop early rather than do that. He messed up his own morning and then got mad. This man is not nearly generous enough with his great salary to act like he can’t help. The money is joint but he’s a penny pincher and also hates babysitters. I’m honestly ready to scream. Every workday of mine is getting truncated by kids stuff and so I wanted to go to the gym at night and I feel like his behavior is making that impossible.

    1. I know it’s insanely frustrating, but when you come home and his job isn’t done, just leave him to it. Go in the other room and put on your headphones if you have to.

    2. Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Sounds like you need to have a hard conversation with your husband and establish, firmly, what you need and what sharing parenting duties looks and feels like.

      Also, what happens if you just let him huff and puff and yell into the void? He’s not another child, despite how he’s behaving.

      1. Thanks so much. I usually do let him flounder which is why I went to brush my teeth but he was so angry he had both kids really upset. Also he’d let poop fester for a long time while he cleaned it up with a q tip and it would mean the toddler would be stuck in the bath she’d been thrown in and up even later.

        1. My husband is also really annoying about cleaning bodily fluids! It’s not like I like doing it, but I’ll do it because he just whines the whole time when he does it. Luckily he’s OK in other respects but this one is ridiculous.

    3. Argh, that’s incredibly frustrating. You should be able to trust him to achieve a minimum standard of care – kids settled, asleep on time, etc without the drama. Is something going on at work that he hasn’t told you about?

    4. Couples counseling. He can’t have it all the ways: no paid help, his job is the priority, yours goes in the back burner, and he can’t do basic parenting. Pick one at most, dude.

    5. Men do this so they don’t have to deal with annoying kid things whether daycare drop offs or diapers or whatever because moms step in and do it all for them rather than have them in a bad mood. Personally I’d be fine with him staying in a bad mood so he doesn’t get the impression that all he has to do is yell a bit and I’ll do it all.

      1. +1. Caveat that I would only be fine with this assuming that he eventually learns and cuts it out. If he’s anything like my friend’s husband who will continue sulking for years on end, then that’s it for that relationship.

    6. Girl, you need a hard reset with your husband. Get a sitter, go away for the weekend and hash out how you’re going to do things. Also, meanwhile, let him clean up slowly. Who cares if it takes time. If you always fly in to the rescue you’re just training him not to do his part.

    7. His behavior is designed to make that impossible. It’s time for a come to Jesus talk with him about his behavior. If he doesn’t like pulling his fair share of the parenting load now, how much will he like it if you split up and he is solo dad 50% of the time?

      Maybe he has anxiety and needs to see a therapist and get medicated. What he can’t do is manage it by ruining your off time and huffing and puffing about any inconvenience.

    8. If I am reading your message and comments correctly and he takes his attitude out on his kids, then you have another really big problem. If I am reading this wrong, ignore.
      Big kid problems – he was so angry having to take care of his children for an evening that they felt it and got upset; he was visibly upset with a toddler who had a BM accident and was willing to keep the toddler too long in a tub (cold? tired?) rather than efficiently and lovingly get the child back to bed; he’s negative about routine parenting childcare duties in the morning – in front of his kids. If the behavior you describe is typical of his parenting – impatient, dismissive, his-needs-first – then yes to counseling asap.

    9. Not to excuse his behavior but the toddler stage was really hard for me as a mom as well. We had one kid and I didn’t even like it when hubby was out for the evening! Is this baby harder than the older child, perhaps?

    10. It sounds like a lot of things blew up at bedtime. If toddler had an accident just before/when you got home, I don’t see how you can expect that to be handled or kid to be asleep. When my husband or I are home late, we pitch in to finish off the night when we get back. And yes, I have three kids and when I’m solo for bedtime they usually get to bed later than normal! If husband gets home before I’m done he steps in and helps. I think strict divisions of labor (it’s your night so I am off duty) are worse for a marriage than just accepting that sh*t literally happens and you’re a team.

      THAT SAID, you mention he’s being a jerk lately and maybe this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. And if he is going to whine and complain instead of just handling things, that’s a bigger/separate issue. It’s probably time for a convo about why he’s stressed and how you can lessen both of your loads.

      1. Op here. He had an hour and a half to simply put her to bed but couldn’t. It wasn’t like he was solo with dinner and bathtime and homework. I did all of that. I agree the potty accident could have been handled by either of us but it was out of bounds to start screaming that no one helps him. And then to get angry because she woke up late when he could have put her to bed much earlier or left 15 minutes earlier instead of running out with the older kid which is my default morning job. It was all so absurd.

        1. I’m 12:26 and agree that him carrying his bad mood over to the morning is absurd and out of line. I skipped over that in my reply. Something is def going on and it’s not fair to take it out on you!

  12. To the poster yesterday planning a visit to NYC and looking for restaurant and show recs – if you have any interest in Cats (the musical, not the pet) and/or drag ball culture, check out CATS: The Jellicle Ball at the new Perelman Center at the World Trade Center – https://pacnyc.org/whats-on/cats-the-jellicle-ball/
    It’s an amazing concept and the artists involved are top shelf. And I think this is not likely to tour. On a very different note, if you are a fan of Sufjan Stevens, Illinoise comes recommended.

  13. Would you move in this instance?

    – Move would be in the same city and 15 minutes closer to family and boyfriend, while the same distance from work (20 minutes)
    – You live alone with your 2 cats
    – You would save $600/month, or $7,200/year in rent
    – You would have to pay non-refundable pet fees again, roughly ~$750
    – Your move would cost probably ~$300 after factoring in U-haul rental and food for family (family has already agreed to help and do not want me to hire movers)
    – You make $125k/year (not sure if that matters for considering the cost factors)
    – Each apartment unit is about the same, but you’d have to get used to a new community (new grocery stores, new route, etc)
    – You’re trying hard to save money
    – You hate moving lol

    1. Probably. I’d assume saving will be more like $6k/year after you inevitably find some new furniture piece, something breaks in the move, find a new grocery, spend more on drinks with new neighbors. I’d want to be confident in utilities.

      But I move a LOT. If you love your current place, and neighborhood, maybe instead ask your current landlord for a break on rent. Worst they can do is say no. (Or “it’s going up next month” and then you know, lol, time to move)

      1. If you’re saving $6K a year it sounds like a no brainer. However, have you factored in transportation, parking if applicable, etc. I have a parking spot in my current apartment but monthly parking is usually around $250 here. Also, you mentioned a bf. If you are factoring him into your moving decision it sounds somewhat serious. Is there a possibility of moving in with him and having to move again soon?

    2. Yes? Why on earth wouldn’t you? Paying $300 for a move is insanely cheap so cost isn’t a real negative here.

    6. The only reasons I wouldn’t in this scenario are a) I also hate moving, especially all the little logistics like updating mailing address and getting a new license, etc. and b) if relationship with BF is strong and you could see yourself being interested in moving in together, somewhere other than your home, sometime soon, subjecting you to two moves in a short time frame.
      That’s a big money savings, though, so I’d probably do it regardless.

    8. I probably would if I weren’t heavily attached to my current neighborhood, which I am but it sounds like you are not

    9. Probably not, but it depends on why you’re moving and how likely you are to move again in the near future. But my perspective is probably colored by having done three full house cross country moves in the last decade. Each one cost around $10k just to move, plus a few thousand more for misc other things involved in moving, so the idea that you would move if you don’t have to and that it’s not crazy expensive and life disrupting is hard to wrap my head around! Even my local moves were always forced by the landlord selling or when we moved from a rental to buying, I’ve never voluntarily moved from one rental to another, seems like a lot of hassle unless there’s an obvious benefit. I guess it’s cheaper, but why?

    10. I wouldn’t if I really liked my current apartment or community. But if I was ambivalent about that or the new community/apartment seemed at all better, then absolutely.

      I also hate moving, a lot, so I do feel sympathetic. Maybe try and find something in the new community/apartment that you can be excited to moving towards (better gym/yoga studio, grocery store, coffee shop, etc.)?

    11. If I planned on staying for at least two years, yes. That saves about $14,000, even after all the costs of the move, updating drivers licenses and registration, etc. That’s after taxes, too – if you have fewer expenses, this could mean adding more to your 401k, HSA, or other tax-advantaged vehicles, putting your total savings closer to $20k.

    13. So $6000-$7000 per year is about 5% of your salary – if you’re trying to save more, that feels significant to me (esp since it sounds like the main negative is the 1-time pain of moving, you’re not taking an ongoing lifestyle hit like leaving an apartment you love near all your friends for a tiny dingy one or something)

      But as a thought exercise – what else could you change to save an extra $6000 and does that feel easier or harder than moving? Is that your travel budget? Is that “give up all eating out and switch from the gym you like to planet fitness”?

    14. Have either of the buildings recently sold? If you have a new owner, you’re more likely to see rents get pushed up. So your savings today may disappear by tomorrow if the new building recently sold and a new owner is executing a mark-to-market business plan. Or, if the current building was sold recently, then your rent there could increase.

      What city are you in? Who manages the building? Bozzuto? Greystar? Someone else? Is there a company name on the business card of the leasing agents at either property that is not just branded to match the property?

    15. So you’d break even on the move costs in 2 months. And then that’s great savings!

      questions:
      -how big a difference is the 15 mins? Are you talking going from a 30 min walk to 15, or from an hour drive to 45 mins?
      -are you familiar with the new neighborhood at all hours and seasons? Friends lived in a beautiful apartment building that they toured in spring and then the minute it warmed up, it was all ATV noise all the time at night and they could barely watch TV. They moved after their first year to a building on a smaller street.
      -how long would you expect to stay in the new place, making the initial effort of address changes and new stores worth it?

    18. Absolutely. No question.

      I’ve never had a move cheaper than $300. Maybe, when I was 22 years old…

      With the huge amount of savings with the move, shoot pay the movers to pack your kitchen etc.. or whatever part of the packing process you hate the most.

      When you need to save money, you really need to hit the big expenses. Housing is #1.
      And it is incredible you can move and wind up closer to family/friends with similar amenities.

  14. Any recommendations for dealing with a high conflict adult sibling? We are minimal contact generally, and that has worked well-ish, but we have a sick mom now and are interacting more of necessity, but with a lot of yelling (her) and me declining to stay on phone calls where I am yelled at. Dad gets yelled at also, so does not pick up the phone (but will tell me things that I put on a private share site re mom’s care for family members and then let sister know it’s been updated, which is daily). Only dad is local to mom; I fly in more often (flexible job; less long-distance than sister).

    Advice? Commiseration? Sibling conjures a lot of intrigues, like we are privy to info that she doesn’t have, that she’s not getting updates, etc. I think if she didn’t scream at people and create drama, people might spend more time talking to her vs just sharing daily summaries, and it’s stressful when we have various medical events. At any rate, objectively, I do not think that anyone is withholding info from her. I just flash forward to the nighmares I’ve seen when I used to work at a courthouse and families would fight over everything (TRO to keep people out of funerals, estate litigation over $10,000 worth of things, etc. and I know that things will be toxic and I will likely lose touch with my teen nieces and nephews as a result of their mom alternatingly screaming at us and cutting contact).

    Maybe there is a good book that I should get? Like a Love Language for High-Drama Birth Family Conflict?

    I would maintain frosty contact and do what I can but nobody likes to be constantly yelled at and it’s walking on eggshells with her.

    1. Communication via email. Creates a paper trail. Don’t get into long emails or debates. Short and do the point. If they fuss “I don’t agree with what you’ve written below but to refocus on the update from today XYZ per her doctors” etc.

      Grey rock. Neutral, info focus and documented if they try to take it back to the phone. “Thanks for the call today about the email I sent, I wanted to follow up to reiterate via email that I did not do ABC thing you said I did.

    2. If hanging up isn’t stopping her from the behavior that gets her hanged up on, then I think your dad’s approach makes a lot of sense!

      There’s a book actually named Walking on Eggshells that has a lot of strategies (it’s aimed at responding to people with BPD, but the strategies may have broader utility for difficult people generally).

  15. How do you find time at work for deep-think projects, particularly if you work on a team? I’m a lawyer who always works on case teams, and I have developed anxiety about being interrupted to the point it’s difficult to even start deep-think work. For example, colleagues email and send follow up IMs, send IMs despite my red/busy signal, and frequently send late night and early morning emails. I can’t focus because I’m too vigilant to all these interruptions. We have insufficient paralegal and assistant support, so I also spend a lot of time doing admin-type work. All of this seems par for the course for attorneys, and ten years in, I’m still struggling with it.

    2. I schedule it in my day. Its blocked on my calendar and I shut down communications to block interruptions. The only calls that can come through are my children’s school and their childcare.

    4. no advice, but deep commiseration. I’m not a lawyer but do deep-think projects, and occasionally it builds up to the point that I come in when the rest of the office is closed just so I can get things done. Time blocking and turning off phones/notifications is the goal though – but my support staff is not quite there yet.

      1. Yep, this. You can also turn off send/receive on Outlook and turn yourself to look offline on Teams if you need to keep those programs open.

  16. Anyone bought a dress from Shop Mille? They have some stuff 5at looks cute but expensive-ish and I don’t know if it’s worth it or if returns are a hassle.

  17. We are about to redo the en suite bathroom attached to our primary bedroom. It’s going to be a major renovation – the room was built as a small (8’x8′) bedroom in 1910 and converted into a bathroom in the mid-1990s. Nothing has been done since and it’s in very poor repair. My question is: Should we keep the window? It’s tempting to either brick it up or convert it to a smaller, higher window. Right now it’s the same window as in the bedroom, meaning it’s curtained at all times to prevent us from flashing the neighbors. Reducing or eliminating the window would give more space for storage and remove the flashing risk. I’m worried that the bathroom will seem very dark with no window and the exterior symmetry of the house will be disrupted and look strange. Please let me know your thoughts!

    2. I would keep it. Bathrooms with no natural light can be terrible, and windows are good for ventilation. But perhaps the designer will have some creative ideas, like making it half the size (just the top half) or doing some sort of frosted look (but not in the 80s way) that balances privacy with light.

    3. I would add frosted glass. Bathrooms with windows are so much nicer than those without. People can do things that smell horribly and it’s much easier to close the door and open the window than to vent the smells into your house. (Bathroom vent fans can work but, IME, are never all that great at dissipating stink.)

    4. I’d definitely keep the window. It adds natural light and allows a venting alternative should the fan break. I also like having a window to open when I’m using shower cleaner.

    5. Do not disrupt the symmetry of 1910 home please. Make sure the window is properly flashed and the wall it’s on waterproofed and invest in a custom Roman shade, motorized if necessary.

    6. I want to add a word of caution about frosted glass as not being a complete slam dunk. We had one in a previous rental. My husband went to check something in the street at night when I was getting out of the shower (the neighbor had tossed her “low battery” beeping smoke detector in the trash can without disabling it, ugh). He came back in saying anyone could see my naked silhouette from the street. So, we ended up having to place a curtain anyway. I still drive by this rental, and I can see it’s still there 3 renters later. In our current place, we ended up getting shades that are top-down/bottom-up to adjust light entry but provide more opacity.

    7. If you do decide to eliminate the window, you can get a lot of natural light with a skylight or two. That’s what I did when I remodeled my bathroom and I’ve been delighted with the results. We used the tube kind and they’re not that expensive.

      1. this is something best suited for a climate with very little rain. I have never know anyone with a skylight where it didn’t start leaking within a few years.

          2. My husband installed it. He’s moderately handy, we have a one story home, and it took him less than two hours. We bought a solar tube off the shelf at Lowe’s.

        2. We had a skylight in our first house in in an upper midwest state where we lived for 8 years and never had an issue. We replaced it when we replaced our roof by the same contractors. Mostly because it looked like it had seen better days, but not because it was actually leaking. It was a stationary one though, not one that opened and closed.

        3. My parents have had a couple on the Outer Banks in NC for 30+ years with no problems

      2. Yes, we have a solar tube in one bathroom. It lets in a lot of light and was relatively inexpensive.

    8. Keep the window. You can buy the “frosted look” contact paper online and it works great and is easy to install. It just adheres with a mist of water.

    9. Would a top-down, bottom-up blind work? I’ve had those in a cellular shade before and I would leave it with the top half open, with the bottom half blocked for privacy. If that would provide enough privacy, it’s a great solution and still allows for the benefit of natural light!

  18. Looking for recommendations on your favorite lunch bag. Looking for something decent sized and can hold a longer, shallow container for salad. Would like it to come in a floral or other fun pattern. It doesn’t need to hold ice packs as I have access to a fridge. Budget of $40 max.

    2. I like the Fit n Fresh lunch bags from Target. I carry containers for everything, and they actually have room for all my stuff.

  19. I know folks have asked for recommendations in Napa/Sonoma here before but I have a slightly related requested I could use the wise hive for. For REASONS, my husband and i are only able to squeeze out a 4 night vacation in the bay area later this month (usually we try to do Europe/Asia etc and this has been a tough year so feels like a bummer). Anyway given we have been to that area many many times, I am struggling to plan a vacation that sounds truly restorative and fun/romantic. I was thinking Napa is an easy answer but I am not sure it really is without $$$. We are trying to keep this low to mid-range. Happy to spend on good food/restaurants but save in other places. Welcome all tips and ideas.

    1. One vote for the Russian River area. We vacation in Cazadero every year – very laid back. Nearby towns are Guerneville, Monte Rio, and as you head out toward the ocean, Duncan’s Mills and Jenner. My favorite area in the world.

      1. I second that, haven’t been in a while but always had a lovely time in Russian River. Monterey could also be fun. There’s great food in Santa Cruz and great wine in the Carmel Valley.

        1. Haha – I would love to know where the great food in Santa Cruz is. My son is a banana slug and I haven’t found it yet! I even joined a twitter convo about food in Santa Cruz & the group conclusion was that there isn’t any!

          1. Recently took a trip to Santa Cruz – Shadowbrook Restaraunt in Capitola was close to Santa Cruz and very good/cool.

            The coffee scene was fantastic in Santa Cruz. And great donuts. But that’s probably just California coast in general. :) Y’all have way better donut shops than we do in the midwest.

          2. I lived in the Bay Area for years and never got the hype about the SC food scene. Everywhere I ate was overpriced and mediocre.

      2. Another Russian River vote (very biased as we own a second home there). Napa is $$$ but RR is a bargain. I’d look at the Boon Hotel or Highlands Resort for a couple of lovely places to stay in Guerneville. The Main Street has reasonable and great dining options (boon, piknik town market and road trip are faves). You can hike in Armstrong Woods redwood forest, head out to the coast to hike and you’re 25-30 minutes from Healdsburg too.

        1. Armstrong Woods is not to be missed. I recommended the 1 mile walk to an east coast friend who came out for a company offsite near Napa. He and his wife have not stopped thanking me for the idea for close to a decade.

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