ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 225 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Willa Placket Top

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A woman wearing a black floral printed long-sleeve top and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know I can always count on Alice + Olivia for a fun, slightly whimsical, printed top, and this silk blouse is no exception. The New Yorker in me wants to pair this with an all-black outfit, but if you have slightly fewer Wednesday Addams tendencies, it would also look fabulous with a pair of white trousers or a brightly-colored skirt.

I will gently suggest that if you are planning to wear this to the office, you make use of the buttons, rather than leaving it open to the navel.

The blouse is $350 at Alice + Olivia and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in nine other colorways. 

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

225 Comments

  2. Swimwear and coverup recommendations please! Ideally bra sized for the swimwear, or at least with D cup ++ options. I’ve used Athleta and Boden in the past but nothing in either of those places speaks to me right now. One piece or high-waisted two piece probably best. OK with something sporty (but cute sporty), medium.or better coverage. I’ll be wearing this with in-laws and wrangling kids.

    3. I think Prana has tops that come in D-cup sizes. I’m 32DD and their tops are among the few I’ve found that work for me.

      I also got from Amazon a swim suit from the brand TemptMe that lets you buy tops and bottoms separately. I got the halter top which, granted, has excessive padding but somehow doesn’t make me look bigger and also fits securely. For bottoms I got a high-waisted style that I feel quite comfortable in. I think the quality is decent for the price, but I’ve only used it at a pool, and not daily. But it is one of my favorite swim suits.

    6. Bra sized swimwear is the best. Freya has a good selection. I get mine from Elomi as I’m a 36/38 band. Bare Necessities has a good selection.

      I am voting against Land’s End as a bra sized swimwear provider. They have D & DD sized swimwear big it seems to have no relation to actual bra sizes. If you want something that actually fits, go with a bra company.

      3. +1 to all of this. I love my Panache suit and have had great ones from Fantasie in the past

    7. I wear one pieces with underwire from Miraclesuit. D cup who was a former H cup and the suits fit great.

  3. Vent of the day: bright horizons back up care is so unreliable. At least 50% of the time, the sitter has canceled at the last minute, and no one else is ever available. And of course today’s cancelation occurs on a day that is filled with back to back video meetings with senior leaders.

    1. That is any human system that relies on PT gig workers at the margins (often juggling a series of jobs, unreliable transportation, their kids or family members they are caregiver to, etc.). Commiseration and IFK how you build a better system unless you are willing to pay for redundancy. We had this as an issue in the diaper years and now have it with trying to cobble together eldercare. We don’t live near family so we really needed for things to work and they never have worked as advertised.

      1. Our whole society runs on unpaid and underpaid women’s labor. We’re seeing more stress fractures in this structure as the Baby Boomers age and kids’ special needs soar.

        1. Ditto respite care. Theoretically available

          We need to hire a nurse to help look after a kid post surgery (because a grandparent is also in hospice) and it is just so hard. DH works and we have another kid and that kid may have to just go with it as best as she can since we may fail at finding anyone (she is 15 but I’d feel better with a trained adult).

          1. OMG please do not make your 15-year-old daughter nurse her sibling after surgery. If you can’t hire someone, you or your husband needs to take FMLA. That’s what it’s for.

          2. I get that you’re in a tough spot, but that is a really unfair thing to do to both of your kids.

          3. Disagree with the poster below. It’s perfectly ok to ask your 15 year old to step up and care for family members. That’s everyone’s obligation when sharing a household—stepping up when needed.

          4. I think it depends on the ask. If she needs to empty catheter bags or feed via a tube and be constantly attentive, that is inappropriate. If she just needs to make him lunch and give Tylenol every 6 hours, then yes, family members help each other. You can even pay her.

          5. Totally depends on what you need the 15 year old to do, but I tend to err on the side of we’re a family and we all help each other out. Especially when a grandparent is on hospice.

          6. Given that OP is considering a backup care provider from BH (not like a home-visit nurse) this sounds much more like a “younger kid needs a few quiet days of watching TV instead of going to camp” and perfectly in line with typical, appropriate teenage sibling babysitting – let’s assume OP isn’t randomly just treating their 15 yr old like a live in nurse

          7. OP here with the 15YO — it’s mainly monitoring and knowing when to call us and fetching soft foods from downstairs and administering OTC pain meds. She is a few months too young to work in our state (and no one wants younger kids anyway). She has had this same surgery, so in some ways knows it better than we do from her lived experience. She currently wants to be a nurse, so it will be a good test of whether it’s a no-go out of the gate. No changing of dressings, no dealing with toileting. Mainly: if she gets a fever or she starts spitting out blood or is acting funny, we need to know asap.

          8. OK, saying you need a trained nurse when you really just need a babysitter is a bit disingenuous. It’s entirely appropriate to ask a 15-year-old with no job or other obligations to check in on a younger sibling during the summer, but your original post made it sound like much more.

          9. Teenagers are more tha capable of helping the family during tough times. Don’t deprive your teen of the opportunity to be of service. These posters are wildly overprotective.

          10. I had a kid have surgery and the care they need the first 24 hours was intense and round-the-clock. Dosing meds via a syringe, no solid food, kid unsteady on feet but needed a walker to get to the toilet but kid was taller and larger than me, etc. The first week was intense. The second was hard, but kid was better so less active comforting and more making sure they woke to take pain meds, woke to eat, and generally rested.

            Managing that in one week might need a strong nurse and in another might ideally have a nurse and in another might just need to not be left home alone. IDK. It varies. I have a parent now needing 24/7 care, so any care overnight lets the main caregiver rest. Maybe a nursing student? But if you are dealing with narcotic pain meds, then you may want a person with a license just to help ensure that they don’t abscond with the pain meds.

        3. And also, by relying on mothers to care for their children and their own parents and their in-laws, you don’t run the risk that they’ll strike and leave their loved ones without care. Hell of a lot better than dealing with those pesky home health aides who want minimum wage and some semblance of benefits, huh?

          1. I worry that I will fall asleep when driving or leave a burner on when spread thin, so not exactly risk free. If your grandmother is your childcare, she could have a medical episode or a fall. Nothing is without risk and sometimes free care is worth what you pay for it.

          2. I never understood why child care is considered a women’s issue when it should be a parent issue. Men in a same sex relationship can still take care of children. I understand societal norms and expectations but you can bet my bf does the dishes, mops the floor, does his own laundry, etc. We don’t have kids and don’t plan to in the future.

          3. Yeah I truly don’t get why women marry, have kids with, or stay with men who do nothing!!!!

          4. Housework is one thing, but society generally hasn’t jumped at having the sex that does 99% of the child and elder rape do 50% of the caretaking. I don’t think we’ll ever see equal male participation in the home health or nursing professions. And I’ll fully admit that I would never in a million years hire a male nanny to be solo with my kid.

    2. That’s so frustrating! Have they ever tried to make it right? This is making me less motivated to try again to schedule a virtual tour of a Bright Horizons a town over, which BH no-showed to the first time around and then was utterly incompetent at rescheduling. It tells you how bad they were that I just gave up during the childcare shortage…

      1. Bright Horizons the daycare is totally different than Bright Horizons backup care. I know lots of people who’ve had good experiences at their childcare centers.

      2. So the Bright Horizons centers and the Bright Horizons backup care are different. The centers are run by Bright Horizons directly. For the in-home backup care, Bright Horizons contracts with local babysitting agencies to find workers. We’ve had great experiences with the centers, and less-good experiences with the in-home backup (the sitter was very, very late, and all she did was play on her phone the entire day while my son played with his toys…there wasn’t any effort to engage with him. It kept him alive but that was it.)

        1. This makes sense, but if it’s under the Bright Horizon name and they’re responsible for contracting, shouldn’t they still care about the quality? it’s a hit to their reputation if it’s bad.

          1. Oh, they should care. Just saying that I would not view experiences with the backup care as predictive of experiences with the centers.

          2. What do you expect them to do? Use slave labor? There’s a market price people are willing to pay and it’s not enough to cover the market price of wages. Child care is an example of a pretty classic market failure that warrants government intervention.

          3. Depending on how elections go, it looks like the government intervention we’re going to get may be “getting women back into the home” or however they are phrasing it.

    3. Backup care benefits are all for show. The benefit is designed to trick prospective employees into thinking a company is family-friendly. In reality, the benefit doesn’t deliver care but you are still expected never to take time off for a child’s illness because “we offer backup care!”

      2. +1 to this.

        The performative emails I get from my Fortune 100 insurance employer touting the BH backup care and the AAP therapy where offices never respond are insulting to the sensibilities.

      3. Yes — it is almost confirmation that a place is not family friendly because the answer for every other worker everywhere (you just take a day unpaid or use leave or something) is not an option here.

        I also think that about “benefits” like egg freezing: confirmation that you will grind away the fertile years to the point where they know when you’re 25 that this needs to be an option.

        1. Yes!! I even felt a little bit this way about Milk Stork, though I think that one is a good benefit. But the fact was I didn’t want to travel away from my a 4 month old baby! Saying, “oh but you can pump in your hotel and ship your milk home and we’ll pay the shipping” felt a little tone deaf from my predominantly male firm.

      4. Agreed! It sets an expectation that I’ll keep working while my sick kiddo stays with a stranger who may or may not show up. Good in theory (I think?) but given the choice I’d rather have understanding coworkers.

      5. I was at big4 and they wanted people be able to show up for work. The people having babies and having to take off were predominantly women. They had this backup care through bright horizons but they also had $1000 available to cover back up care paid to sitters for unexpected childcare costs. I used it and loved this program. My ex husband wouldn’t let me work if one of the children were sick because he couldn’t’ take time off and his argument was the cost was more than my pay, so with unlimited sick, I was better off taking the time off.

        It’s a good thing he can’t count because I said I was using that $1000 allowance for about $2500+ of childcare expenses. It was the one benefit which had the most beneficial impact to my career.

        Back up care is always hard. During my 3rd leave I made friends with all the nanny’s in the park. I still have that network and it’s the number one reason behind me moving back. Dallas just does not have good childcare provision. I have an au pair right now because it was the only option I had last year for FT childcare.

    4. This is not an option for everyone due to cost/location ( live in NYC that has an infinite pool of aspiring actors that do part time gigs), but we optimize Bright Horizons in a different way that I’ll share because I didn’t realize it was an option when we first started using it.

      I live in a major city and have found a few great sitters through BH backup care (but it was definitely hit or miss). Now, I don’t use Bright Horizons for backup care during the work week. Instead, I contract directly with the agencies that employ the sitters we like. This is much more reliable way to get care, although it is very expensive. For me, it’s worth it to pay the high rate to get coverage from a reliable sitter who knows our routines, doesn’t need a tutorial/intro and will be on time. When I need care, I call the 2 agencies and see if any of my preferred sitters are available and they always have 1 of the 4. The sitters usually take our job because they know us/my toddler.

      We now use our Bright Horizons days in half day increments for date nights or for random weekend/evening coverage because my husband works some nights/weekends. For date nights, they come over right after my toddler goes to bed and watch the monitor for us. For weekend coverage, they come over two hours before nap time, take the toddler to the park, put them down for a nap and then I can run errands out of the house. This has been better for us because when they are late/someone cancels it’s not an issue because it is not a work obligation.

      Also, when I’ve had issues (recently a sitter was extremely late two days in a row) Bright Horizons has refunded me my copay.

      1. I’m in DC and use BH backup care a lot now (used it Thursday). I’ve had success using it two ways:

        1) at BH backup care centers (for random school days off, once my kids got big enough – choose the ones that are Steve and late camp branded if you can). The DC paperwork is a BEAST to set up (you need forms signed by a dentist!?!?), but it’s a once a year thing. My oldest kid (6, just finished K) loves it there.

        2) there’s a way to reimburse a babysitter you pay for, instead of one they provide. It’s limited to $100/day, and I use this to pay my mom back for gas money when she comes to town to help cover school closures for my younger kids, and for my sister when she would help my husband manage dinner and bed with 3 young kids when I was on work travel. I also can use this to reimburse camp costs!!!!!

        I haven’t used it for BH babysitters and thankfully I have liberal WFH and nearby family so I probably won’t, because I don’t love/trust the independent babysitter system. It’s not a perfect system at alllllll but I easily get over $1k of bonus benefits a year.

      2. Similarly, we’ve collected a few college students who are good babysitters who are willing to share their schedules with us, so if it’s Tuesday we can call Lisa and if it’s Wednesday we can call Sarah, etc. We initially found them through care.com.

    5. I’m so sorry! The one time we had to use it we had a lovely nurse’s aide who was delighted to have a sniffly toddler to snuggle all day.

  4. What’s your favorite bra for supporting you high without padding and added volume? Doesn’t have to be comfortable.

    2. Minimizers or European lace and underwire at my exact size or maybe even a band size smaller. Like I may go with a 40D for lounge and comfort level, but if I want to Salute the Troops so to speak, I’m using a Chantelle bra in 38DD or something like that.

    3. Fantasie makes an unpadded t-shirt bra that’s great but it only comes in beige and black. Lots of unpadded styles from other nice brands with seaming if you’re ok with that. What size r u looking for?

    4. I just bought a “Vanity Fair Women’s Unlined Bras with Underwire” bra from Am*z*n recently, and it is great. Basically a very lightly lined version of their Beauty Back bras. Enough coverage that I didn’t worry about headlights, but no padding or added volume, and packed flat in my luggage. They do have an underwire, which is honestly more comfortable for me at my 38C size.

    7. Depends on your size. I like Panache Andorra and Panache Clara for my shape. Panache Envy has a lot of lift & is a demi cup.

      None of these have padding. If you have a larger cup size, it’s impossible to get a good fit in a foam bra. You need the seaming of an unlined bra.

  6. If you have any kind words about going back on antidepressants, I would love to hear them. I’ve tried three the past. I didn’t love the way any of them made me feel and the side effects were horrible. One gave me a seizure. I leaned hard into talk therapy and lifestyle stuff like exercise/good sleep/meditation/changed jobs, tapered off the medication, and swore to myself I would never do that again. I’ve been managing pretty well this way for the last ten years, but now life has thrown me some devastating curveballs and all my usual tricks aren’t enough. I’m seeing a psychologist soon to talk about going on medication again, even though I really don’t want to. But it’s been 7 months and I am really not functioning and know I need help.

    1. Which ones did you try? It took me almost two years, but I’ve found my perfect combo of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety (Wellbutrin and Buspar) and it’s totally changed my life and I feel so so happy and calm– I never thought I’d feel this way. I almost quit a few times because of the side effects but over time they’ve decreased to the point that they’re essentially not noticeable. I’m so glad I stuck with it and kept seeing my pricey psychiatrist because she got me to the place I’ve always wanted to be mentally.

    2. I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself. You were able to be off antidepressants for 10 years! That’s amazing and a testament to your hard work. Now it’s time to go back on them, at least for the short term. Think how much better shape you are in because of your efforts than you would have been if you had just given up 10 years ago.

      1. This is a lovely and affirming message.
        I’ll add that you may have more options now than you did 10 years ago.
        It’s been hard when I’ve had to admit I need more help, but I’m always glad when I get the medication I need. I hope that’s how it goes for you too.

      2. indeed! I admire that you are exploring all options, including those that are hard! Maybe going back on antidepressants for this period is the least bad choice. That doesn’t mean it’s a forever thing. You’ve shown yourself that you will keep trying to figure out what works best for you, and that is amazing!

    3. Can you make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who would be better for medication management? And I would swing your PCP (or neurologist?) in the loop if you had a seizure in the past. I would want someone trained in medicine to be helping with medication management (as opposed to a psychologist, who isn’t medically trained) if I was having trouble with serious med side effects.

      1. +1 for psych – they are super helpful when managing meds. I switched over to one a few yers ago and it’s been huge.

    4. I went on, then went off, then went back on (and have stayed on) antidepressants. I’m on Celexa (citalopram), for what it’s worth.

      I exercise. I watch my sleep. I go to talk therapy. But the antidepressants are still a lifesaver for me. They make me more myself, if that makes sense, not so cloaked in paralyzing anxiety and catastrophic thinking. For me and my family, they are a gift that keeps me healthier, just like statins or insulin or any other drug that supports our idiosyncratic bodies. There’s no virtue in thinking of suffering or grit or “hard work” as somehow more triumphant than going to other means of support.

      I’m sorry you had ugly experiences with some antidepressants. There are likely versions that will work for you, though I can imagine that trying is a scary prospect. But it sounds like trying will be really helpful. You deserve health and calm, and this sounds like a good path for that.

    5. Well done for going back to try medication again. For mental illness, it’s a very effective tool when you have the right medication and dosage.

      Abilify has helped my son so much. It’s tough here in Texas as they really don’t have many mental health specialists, but when my daughter needed medication to help her after being assaulted at school, having a psychiatrist made a positive difference. It was so very expensive because the ones available are invariably out of network, but I thought the medication was well managed and highly effective.

  7. Shopping help? I am going to a “summer formal” wedding in LA in August and have no idea what that style means. My style is East Coast preppy. I am 5’6″, size 6 with a little bit of a belly. Budget up to 300. Thank you!

      1. Not OP but I love this and it’s exactly the sort of thing I envision for “summer formal”

    4. My take on LA summer formal for women is that you’re doing either a formal silhouette in a less-formal fabric (cotton, linen), or a formal fabric (satin, chiffon) in a less-formal silhouette, and color or prints are better than neutrals. Ulla Johnson is perfect, but above your price point to buy (but maybe rentable?). Hutch is a little above what you want, but you could find something on sale. Also look at Faithfull and Rails.

      https://hutch-design.com/collections/shop-dresses/products/whitlee-dress-1

      https://faithfullthebrand.com/products/palermo-maxi-dress-turquoise

      https://www.rails.com/collections/dresses-rompers/products/gabriella-dress-mocha-floral?variant=43710642749609

    5. how about these:

      https://tnuck.com/products/yellow-soleil-gown

      https://tnuck.com/products/light-pink-lyndie-dress

      https://www.lillypulitzer.com/jorgian-linen-midi-dress/016969.html?dwvar_016969_color=9993BY

      https://www.lillypulitzer.com/carlynn-strapless-satin-bow-dress/016967.html?dwvar_016967_color=476

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/delfi_collective/leah_dress?lens=classic

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/retrofete/ester_gown?lens=classic
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/andres_otalora/pueblo_magico_dress?lens=classic
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/agua_by_agua_bendita/lima_esmeralda_dress?lens=classic
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/andres_otalora/colonial_dress?lens=classic

  8. A rant against summer illness. I’ve had two cases of bronchitis in the past six weeks. As soon as I recovered from the second one, my daughter came down with a nasty virus. When she was finally getting over that, my husband went down with what appears to be the same virus but could very well be something different. Our daughter has already missed out on a bunch of summer activities, and I cannot afford to get sick again because I have a ton of work travel and big presentations coming up. I miss the days of universal masking.

    1. I have been getting an upper respiratory virus every month since March. No clue wtf is going on, but it is very very annoying because not only does it take a week to get over the initial illness, it is usually followed by postnasal drip and all sorts of fun stuff. I don’t typically get sick this often at all and can’t figure out what has changed.

      1. It is probably worth seeing an ENT in case you developed polyps or something. If nothing looks abnormal, they may refer to immunologist to see if something is up there.

    2. I popped a positive Covid test on Sunday. Somehow, DH has avoided getting sick. Paxlovid is working, but the symptoms still suck. At least I’m not as sick this time as I was 2 years ago.

      We’re going to my family reunion this weekend. I will wear a mask and take it easy. No hugs which will be hard.

    3. My whole family traveled to another state for a wedding, and as far as we knew, no one in the local family got sick, but several members of my extended family and my immediate family got sick. It wasn’t Covid. It was some sort of nasty upper respiratory infection with a bad cough. I ended up with both the sinus infection and bronchitis. With the actual sick with virus time plus antibiotics time for the infections it was around three weeks. Screw summer colds. FYI, we all masked in the airport and on the plane.

  9. Thank you for all of the comments on my PM post yesterday about my father’s reaction (more like eruption) to me moving in with my boyfriend. One that really stuck out at me was not letting my dad’s response hold me hostage. I agree with that. As far as just doing it anyway and meeting my parents elsewhere…I think the whole relationship with my dad will change. He will punish me with the silent treatment, an overall attitude, etc. I’m not sure he will even want to see me or allow me at my parents house. So this decision really will result in losing my relationship with my dad, which makes me sad. I feel like either choice makes me deeply unhappy. Agree with the other posters that I need therapy to help untangle this.

        1. I read 10:13’s comment as missing the word “first” at the end, not suggesting a marriage with separate homes.

      1. It’s still her dad, and it’s OK to feel a huge sense of loss for what the relationship should be, not what it is.

        1. +1000. I get the sentiment, but it’s dismissive to act like losing a parent relationship is NBD. It’s one of the hardest things there is.

          1. +1 people here are really flippant about cutting off parents, but it’s an incredibly challenging and emotional thing to do, even when there’s good reason.

          2. It’s the dad cutting off his daughter for making her own decisions. That’s what’s sad about it.

      2. Not sure who hurt you but that’s a really callous response. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything.

        Navigating family relationships can be tough. Even when there is a loss or something big is missing in the relationship, it doesn’t mean there’s no grieving what you want it to be or the anguish of knowing it won’t be.

      3. My controlling father disowned me (as a way of causing so much pain that he hoped I would capitulate). It caused me to be done with him; he doesn’t even know his only grandchild’s name.

        On one hand, I am better off without that crap in my life. It has taken years to fully untangle all the ways in which his need for control and domination did a number on me, and nothing I ever did would ever make our relationship work. I want to be an autonomous adult and he wants everyone under his thumb.

        But it also just plain sucks. I want to have a functional, emotionally healthy father and I don’t. I hate meeting new people and struggling to answer basic questions like “does your family live around here”? It wrecked havoc on my marriage for a variety of reasons.

        So I get what you’re saying: losing someone from your life who treats you this way isn’t a big loss. What is a big loss: not having a healthy relationship with your dad.

        1. Agreed. I don’t share with people how sad father’s day makes me some years, because most people know me as fatherless, and it seems like NBD. I stopped speaking to mine as soon as I moved out of the house at 18, and he died a few years ago. But I’m sometimes sad for not having ever had a father I could celebrate, or at least miss.

    3. I’m the one who left a very long comment with numbered points.

      If your dad is willing to lose his relationship with you over things that are not his decision to make, I’m sorry to say, you will lose your relationship with him eventually.

      Will he boycott the wedding, or be an unpleasant jerk, if you don’t get married in a church?

      What are his views on working mothers, birth control, vasectomies, spacing children, and family planning? All of those aren’t his decision to make for you but you might find him being just as belligerent with those things.

      What are his views on the primacy of your new family versus your family of origin? I don’t mean what he says his views are; will he snap his fingers and expect you to come running?

      This isn’t his decision to make. Full stop.

        2. Thank you. I wish I didn’t know all these things, but at least I can help someone else. :)

      2. OP, I grew up in a very strict evangelical Christian home, and I can attest to this anon’s questions about other decisions that are not your dad’s to make, but he will comment on.

        In my case, my mom is the opinionated one. None of us kids lived with our SOs before marriage, but we’ve done plenty of other things that receive comments. All of us drink alcohol, which is a huge problem. She’ll make the entire evening miserable if we have a glass of wine at dinner in our own home.

        My brother had alcohol at his wedding (the bride’s family paid, and since they “hosted” the party, my mom felt she didn’t have a say, because that’s the tradition). Someone left an empty beer bottle at the other end of a table. My mom got up and left us sitting there because she didn’t want anyone to think it was her bottle or that she approved of the alcohol at the wedding. We don’t drink in her home, we don’t drink if we go out to dinner with her because she makes it a whole thing, and my sister and I generally don’t drink in front of her, even in our own homes. She’s less likely to say something to our husbands or my brother (because as the Man of the House, they can make their own choices), but even they don’t want to deal with her huffing and puffing and rolling her eyes all night, so frequently abstain.

        And that’s just over a glass of wine. The questions about when I’m going to have kids (never, we’re childfree) continue to be ongoing, when my husband and I made a decision she didn’t like about my career, she got on the phone with my MIL so that they could both try to convince us not to do that because we’d end up divorced (we’re still happily married 10+ years later), and she always has comments about some aspect of my life.

        At this point, I limit phone calls and visits, and I just shut down the conversation. It’s really hard to lose the relationship, but I know that she’s not going to agree with my decisions, because the point is that she’s not in control. That’s the real issue. She still wants to be in charge of my life, even though I’m in my 40s.

        1. Also anon, I’m sorry that you have bee though that.

          Your last paragraph is EXACTLY what I was trying to get at, albeit through Socratic-ish questions.

          I am religious; my father is not actively so. He’s just obsessed with being in control. We no longer have a relationship and my wedding was the flashpoint, because it was the point at which I was no longer willing to put up with his cruelty, control, belligerence, and condescension.

          My general advice to anyone embarking on a serious romantic relationship: take a step back and see how other people treat you both. You will see some people start to jockey for position in your new life: deciding to be the arbiter of who you can date, making your SO “pass muster” with them, railroading you about things that aren’t their decisions. It’s a time when your loyalty shifts to your new family (you and your new spouse are a new family), and some people go crazy trying to maintain their iron grip.

          1. +1 to your last paragraph. OP, keep in mind that the book of Genesis says that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Parents’ attempting to control their adult children’s lives does not comport with the Bible or with Christian teachings. It’s just controlling.

        2. My maternal grandmother was like that about alcohol, and my aunt (other side) really tried to bring it into the next generation. While my mom did her best to shield us from my grandmother’s worst behavior (she was a world class fat-shamer and that was way worse than the endless fussing over alcohol), it wasn’t really possible to keep my aunt away for various reasons.

          The end result is that I have a holiday card relationship with my aunt and uncle and barely know my first cousins. My sister hasn’t spoken to any of them for 20 years. It wasn’t a huge loss to lose touch with this part of my family, but it was a loss and I did have to grieve. Therapy helped, but also time. And while I don’t expect everyone in my family to like me, I’m going to do my level best not to criticize them or expect them to make the same decisions I did about my own life.

      3. This is so true. I have two close friends who tried for a long time to placate parents like this. Lots of lying by omission, etc. etc. They eventually lost the relationships because they became busy working moms with no time or headspace for keeping up the act, and then the next point of disagreement after that became the trigger. People who can’t respect that others make different choices don’t limit that attitude to just one choice.

      4. You already have a bad relationship with your father if your are considering altering your major life decisions just to please him. He is already treating you poorly and trying to manipulate you. Eventually you will do something that sets him off, but the relationship is already fractured because of who he is. Best to rip off the band-aid and go low-contact now, whether or not you ultimately decide to move in with your boyfriend.

      5. I have a 50 something friend who broke up with the guy she loved whom her dad irrationally hated, married a guy her parents approved of, then was miserably married until they got a divorce.

        That’s the kind of thing that happens when you try to live for your parents’ approval. You get one life. Live your own life.

    4. It will always be one thing or another. It’s not about your dad wanting you to do the “right” thing and get married before moving in. It’s about wanting to control you.

      I was in a wedding where the groom’s father is an evangelical pastor. The bride (my friend) is not religious. The father threw a huge fit because he had *always* planned to marry his son off. He pressured the bride to get married, even during the week before the wedding when I was there (it was a cross country wedding). He offered to baptize her AND me in their backyard swimming pool, when he found out neither of us were baptized or grew up religious. It was…just wild. We both politely declined.

      Ultimately, he married them, after making them rent a non-church venue. He was very clear that they couldn’t use his sacred space of a church because it was his way or the highway.

      They had a kid and ultimately divorced. The father’s constant influence was a big part of it. While the husband/groom didn’t particularly care that his wife wasn’t religious, and that they decided not to baptize their kid…he cared a lot, waaaay too much, about what his father thought. The FIL was basically a third party in that marriage.

      I share this to encourage you to think, what do you want your life and relationships to look like? Do you want your father to hold that much sway? How will you negotiate all the questions other posters have pointed out?

      If I were you, I’d unpack this in therapy. I wish you the best!

    5. I did want to share this: my in-laws cut off my brother-in-law when he married and converted to a different form of Christianity (Jehovah’s Witness). Ultimately, they found that they suffered a great deal from having severed the relationship with their son, and when he and his wife were in need of help due to a family emergency (my BIL got relocated internationally for work when they had a brand new baby), my in-laws stepped up big time to help. 20+ years later, they still don’t see eye to eye on religion, but are very close as a family.

      I share this to give you some hope that even if this leads to a rupture in your relationship with your father, it is possible for estrangements like that ultimately to end and families to come back together. Your father may make a decision now that is very hurtful to you, but he may ultimately realize that he did the wrong thing. My in-laws are still not comfortable with BIL’s religion, but they do believe they erred in cutting him and his family off and will tell you that upfront.

    6. If you living your life as an adult causes you to lose your relationship with your dad, just remember, that’s your dad‘s choice. He’s made the choice to lose the relationship. You are not choosing it. That’s on him.

    7. ugh OP, my heart goes out to you. Parents are so hard when they let you down. And he’s really letting you down right now. I went through something very similar when I was in my early twenties. One of the worst moments was when my dad told me “real love isn’t unconditional” (it was during an argument, I would assume he regrets it, idk maybe not). Gosh that had to be about 18 years ago, and my heart still hurts a little when I remember it. Realizing that you can’t count on parents to support you no matter what is something that is deeply unhappy.

      The horrible thing is – now you know this about your dad. Even if you don’t move in with your boyfriend – you know this about your dad. I’m so sorry, it really sucks and it is really hard. But you need to choose yourself and make the decision that feels right for you – the decision that felt right before you consider your dad’s reaction.

      It gets easier. My relationship with my parents, 15-18 years after I went through this, is superficial. It’s fine and not deep or close and I don’t ever ask them for advice, and I inform them of my life events after decisions have been made. They are supportive in different ways, and it works for us.

      For some music therapy, I recommend Maddie Zahm songs. Specific songs: You Might Not Like Her, If IT’s Not God, and Growing In.

    8. Oh, OP. This is so sad. All I have to add is that at this point, the relationship you hae with him is completely on his terms, because so far you have been willing and able to dance to his tune. At some point, now or in the future, the stakes will be high enough that you won’t be willing or able to accommodate him, and the consequences you are so afraid of will come to pass because that’s the person he is. So. You are right to seek therapy to prepare yourself for that day, whenever it arrives.

      And also? A truly loving parent doesn’t do the silent treatment or other forms of punishment when adult children make their own choices. And I think you know that. Big hugs to you!

    9. OP, I’m living your worst case scenario right now. TLDR; you’ll not only survive, you’ll thrive. Against supposed biblical teaching to remain under my father’s authority/house, I moved out at age 25…an hour away and by myself (so not even with a bf) and was practically disowned. I couldn’t go to my parents house, minimal contact with mom/siblings, etc.

      Yes it was hard, and still can be 4 years later. But for me, living a life governed by someone else’s beliefs was stifling. When you live a life you believe in, it’s freeing. My only piece of advice is to make sure you have a support system OUTSIDE your BF. While I have a lovely BF now, I didn’t when I first moved. But I had friends who filled in that family void during holidays and general sad times. And I still have and need them now. You need a village – your BF cannot be all of that to you.

      Best of luck, OP. I remember the pit in my stomach and the fear that consumed me when I made the decision to move. I promise it will be a distant memory. Go live your life.

      1. fist bumps to the strong women that come out on the other side of this painful thing. It’s a really hard thing and a really empowering thing. When you have to fight for the life that you want, you become a strong version of that woman on the other side.

  10. Heat advisory outfit thread? I’m wearing blue gauze pants from Gap, a black t-shirt, and big red earrings. Silver Birks.

      1. I assume so. Some workplaces are more casual than others. Not everyone works in a funeral home.

    2. A black silk top from Quince and a hot pink skirt from J crew Factory. Flat shoes. I really like my outfit today; it’s very minimalist but not boring.

      1. +1

        Also a shrug/bolero cardigan, against the AC.

        Espadrilles, because the predictions are no rain.

    4. My plan is to wear a Z Supply Reverie dress every day this week. Yes, I own that many of them. Yes, I WFH.

    5. Uniqlo black sleeveless top, wool suiting pants, belt, black slides, and black leather tote for the commute and sitting at my desk. Switching to black pointy toe flats and adding a matching blazer for a court appearance. I know it’s weird but I love wearing black in the summer, it’s so… stark.

    6. I have a handful of long sleeve or three-quarter sleeve linen tops for days like yesterday and today. I wore them yesterday and today with pants that are made of a lightweight chambray and that seems to work pretty well. I like a longer sleeve because I like to protect my skin from the sun, and like in desert communities, I think it’s actually cooler to wear lightweight cloth covers your skin.

      1. How do you keep linen decently wrinkle free? I end up looking a complete crumpled mess by the afternoon.

        1. Linen always looks a bit crumpled. That’s how you know it’s linen. But the longer you have it, the more you wash it, the softer it gets and doesn’t look as sharply creased. If you like a starched look, linen isn’t for you!

    7. I’m in a government office and the dress code is suit or suit equivalent for court and otherwise just wear clothes. I kind of miss the structure of business casual, but the fact is that these days in many offices almost anything goes.

    8. In the office today in black linen pleated pants, a lightweight black cotton jersey shell, and a turquoise linen cardigan I can take off during my commute but need in the a/c. Silver necklace and belt buckle, black chunky sandals.

    9. your outfit sounds great. Yesterday I wore lavender linen wide leg pants, black ribbed tank top (thick straps), white linen button up wore open that I took off when I went outside, and dark green birk sandals. super easy.

      Today I’m wearing mint color wide leg jeans (lighter materials) with the big square pockets on the front that seem to be everywhere, and a turquoise ribbed tank top (thicks straps) and a cardigan for the AC office. White platform slide sandals from reef. The color combo reads monochromatic and I’m very into it.

      Tomorrow I’ll probably wear the white button up midi jean skirt I just got from BR + white and black striped sleeveless top. The only problem is my legs are all gross scratched up from messing around in the woods over the weekend wearing shorts…

    10. Light blue pinstriped button down, and dark blue ankle pants. Shirt is untucked and (after clients left) rolled up the sleeves, which is my nod to the heat.

    11. It’s still June Gloom in So Cal so I’m dressed accordingly. Black and white polka dot slightly flared skirt, white Calvin Klein pleated-neck sleeveless shell, black and white polka dot cardigan (smaller dots than the skirt), black block heel pumps with buckle detail on the toe. I had an early morning board meeting so I’m dressed like my version of an adult today. I have a hair appointment later so I’ll stay dressed up for that, then I’m changing into shorts, tee, and flip flops (assuming it’s warmed up by then)!

      And I think OP’s outfit sounds divine.

    12. Linen for the win- and I still read as a professional , Eileen Fisher fern green 3/4 sleeve button down, Black ON pants, Dansko bronze sandals with ankle straps.

      1. I love those EF button front linen shirts. I have a prior season one in navy. Total workhorse. I wear it as a jacket over a tank or just by itself.

    13. Uniqlo Airism dress. That’s my answer every heat advisory day. The cardigan or blazer stays in the office.

  11. A while ago I posted about starting on Zepbound and I finally did on Sunday. The appetite suppressant is /i/working/i/ but I haven’t managed to sleep almost at all since. Last night I laid down for what should have been 11 hours and I am still so exhausted.

    I know someone else here had a lot of experience with this medication, is this something you can help me deal with? I feel like I can’t do may job at all right now.

    1. I’ve been on Mounjaro, or Zepbound, since November 2022 (I’m maintaining a loss of 125 lbs). In the beginning, I always took my shot on Friday morning. I knew I would need to nap on Saturday and Sunday and I had to give in. I’m not sure why you’re facing a bout of insomnia but it’s worth mentioning to your Dr. I wonder if you take any other medications that aren’t being absorbed properly because of the delayed gastric emptying? If so, maybe the Dr could walk you through a better time to take those. Just an idea.

      Make sure you’re eating, getting protein (liquid if you can’t stomach other sources) and drinking water. Good luck!

      1. Coming back to add that the Mounjaro and Zepbound communities on Reddit have been a game changer. There is tons of good advice and a real sense of support and comradery.

    2. The fatigue is real, for me it’s even if I get a good night’s sleep. Like the other reply, I take it Friday or Saturday to work out most of the fatigue over the weekend. For me, the fatigue did get better after a few weeks on the medication.
      Also echoing the comments on hydration and nutrition. It’s worst when you start the med but try to get liquids in and protein (even a protein drink) if you can.

    3. Yes, I had pretty severe fatigue–like a few times I had to take at nap right at 3pm or I couldn’t function for the rest of my day. That passed after about a month.

      I always take my shot at night to avoid nausea. I have generally had very few other side effects, and I lost about 25 lbs in the past few months (stopped for a short vacation recently).

  12. I need some fitness recs and am determined not to over research (and then end up not buying anything). UK based but can find most things here.

    Leggings for yoga that stay up – I’m 5’7, size 14, a bit of a tummy, and nothing stays up. Will premium brands do the trick here? Everyone else in my 2x weekly yoga classes is in lululemon or sweaty betty but they are all tiny… I can’t figure out what works on midsize bodies. Girlfriend collective, current season gap, and old navy were all busts and I’m so tired have having to give a tug at every mountain pose. They feel too big in the waist, so maybe something with compression.

    Shoes for spin – people wear street shoes at my studio, but I think my Nike run frees are too unstructured and my toes get sore. I like a very flexible shoe but think I need something more substantial for spin.

    2. I will always sing the praises of beyond yoga leggings. I am obsessed with mine. I’ve had one pair since 2021 and worn to death, including rock climbing a bunch and they haven’t pilled and stay up and somehow feel better than bare legs. I never understood the appeal of leggings until I tried these. Pricey but worth every penny.

      1. Ooh thank you. I’m hard on my clothes – really active, am often cycling to and from, at the playground, etc and hate shopping, so recommendatioins for things that last ages are definitely welcome.

    3. I’m size 12/14 and I like Athleta. I have the Ultimate Stash High Rise short from them and it stays comfortable on my 8 mile bike commute to work. I also generally use it for HIIT. Also, they have a thing where if you try them out and don’t like them you can return within 30 days. I would definitely take a look, and some styles are on sale – although not sure about UK availability.

    4. I have really good luck with Danskin leggings from Costco. I’m a tall 18. The waistband is thick and substantial, no problems with rolling down.

    5. LLL and Athleta both have good mid-size options. My favorites are the LLL Align and the Athleta Elation. I find the other fabrics from both brands to be more hot and plasticky.

      1. I’m a bike/public transport commuter and often sneak in a spin class, so I don’t want to carry around an extra pair of shoes. The instructor seems to wear them but everyone else is just in sneakers.

        1. There are cycling shoes you can wear as street shoes. You’ll find more of them in the mountain bike world. That used to be what defined “mountain bike shoes” – a shoe with a very stiff sole but also tread and they look more like regular sneakers. I’m not sure if you’d find them comfortable for walking, since you said you like flexible shoes. Example: https://ride.shimano.com/collections/mountain/products/sh-gf400w
          Some of them have the capability to attach cleats (not sure if this setup would work with the pedals in your class?) Those have the cleat recessed into the tread so it’s not all slippy on floors. Example: https://ride.shimano.com/collections/mountain/products/sh-ge500w

    8. I’ve had a lot of luck with Nordstrom’s house brand Zella – their high waste leggings. I’m also 5’7″ and a 14 with a belly.

    9. I am about that size, probably bigger, and I love Sweaty Betty. They stay up and wear like iron. I have been rotating the same three pairs for training for more than two years, washing and drying each time, and they look great and are not stretched out like other tights/leggings. I don’t expect to need new ones for at least another two years. Well worth what I paid.

    10. When they have them in stock, I really like the Kohls line of high waisted TekGear leggings.

      I definitely need a shoe with a firm sole for spin class. Whether the sole is actually stiff or just so well-padded that cannot be flexible doesn’t seem to matter.

    11. How big are you calves? I have mountain biker calves and I find that leggings that are too tight there will fall down at the waist.

    13. I’m UK 14/16 tall and I love the Sweaty Betty “Gary” yoga pants. My 5+ year old size Large still fit (I’m wearing them now actually!) and I bought them as a UK 14 so I may go XL now.
      I like them for the soft waistband and not falling down.

    14. tbh i bought unitards just for public yoga classes because i didn’t want to deal with things riding down (and then the last time i went away i couldn’t find where i stuck them, ugh)

      i do like basic Old Navy high-waisted options — i hike them up to under my breasts but they stay up much better than Zella or Kirkland.

    15. You said you tried old navy but did you specifically try the high-waist go-dry powersoft active leggings? These are compression leggings. They are the best I’ve ever found with a lot of the same wants.

  13. I’ve never had a coffee machine before. I drink both tea and coffee so I didn’t desperately need one at home, but I’d like to at least be able to make good black coffee at home. I’ve used keurigs etc at the office. What coffee machine should I get? A moka pot? A mini keurig? I would like to be able to make cappuccinos too

    1. I’m not a coffee snob at all, so keep that perspective with my rec. I like pretty basic, plain coffee. DH and I have a Mr. Coffee. My dad has the same. A friend just bought one. We are all very happy with them. And they’re not expensive and come in a couple of sizes. We have the Mr. Coffee 12 Cup Switch Coffee Maker. It’s about $30. Has lasted for over a decade with daily or twice daily use.

      1. Sorry, Somehow I missed your last sentence. My basic Mr. Coffee definitely doesn’t make cappuccinos.

    2. I don’t think Keurig and good coffee go together. For good black coffee, I would just get a Bodum French press. If you want to make cappuccinos too you can get a Nespresso, which is similar to Keurig in terms of pods and ease of use but makes better coffee (i still prefer my French press but it’s miles above a Keurig imo)

        1. I love my Nespresso. Mine has an Aeroccino which makes it easy to froth for lattes and cappuccinos. I have the original for espresso but if you want regular coffee options you can get a Vertuo which will give you more options. You can recycle the pods pretty easily.

          1. I have a Vertuo and love that I can make regular coffee, cappuccinos, espresso, or hot chocolates. I bought silicone lids on AMZN and reuse the little metal bottoms of the pods. It’s very easy to refill and pop on a lid.

      2. Yeah I didn’t really want to get a Keurig because of that. Also so much plastic and you have to order the pods specifically etc.

        I looked up some youtube videos on how to use a French press . . . . do I really need a food scale and to measure it out like that every time? I will probably be using pre ground coffee, at least to start.

        1. you don’t need to weigh out your coffee. You can count how many spoons/scoops you need for your preferred intensity and that is fine. If you decide to spring for a grinder, you can set to grind for a certain number of seconds to control the amount. I think pre ground is perfectly fine, just keep it in an airtight jar, assuming you need a little while to use up a package. I will say that freshly ground to me is the biggest flavor upgrade, and brewing method or fancy beans matters less in comparison.
          Going back to the weighing – coffee snobs will insist that their perfect grounds to water ratio is the one true path – I say drink your coffee as strong or watered down as you like.

        2. You don’t need to weigh out anything! And honestly even Maxwell house in a jar tastes fine in a pinch. If you want to do something slightly extra, take your hot water off right before it starts to boil as that’s the best temperature for French press but if you don’t that’s fine too. It’s a very forgiving method imo.

    3. We bought a Breville Bambino espresso machine in 2020 and freaking love that thing. We use it to make Americanos (which I prefer to regular black coffee) as well as lattes/cappucinos. We’ve used it at least twice a day every day since we’ve gotten it and it’s going strong. Highly recommend + a Chemex if you want occasional drip coffee that tastes good.

      1. I was looking at that. I also prefer Americanos over regular black coffee which is why I didn’t want to get a Mr. Coffee

      2. Also love our Bambino for lattes and espresso, as well as our Moccamaster for traditional coffee.

      3. +1 I bought a Bambino plus a couple of months ago. Love that thing so much. I even started making milk steamers for my toddler as a treat. Win-win for everyone.

    5. For regular coffee (not cappuccinos), the best-tasting and least messy single cup of coffee comes from a Melitta drip cone. You heat the water in your teapot and pour it over the grounds; it drips right into your mug.

      2. This is how I made coffee for about 20 years, a simple pour over. I upgraded to a stainless steel one that doesn’t use the paper cones (I add the coffee directly into the cone), but I had a Melitta for a long time.

    6. I love my moka pot but there’s definitely a learning curve. You have to commit to doing it multiple times until you get good at it, and doing it somewhat regularly so you don’t forget.

      Most days I use a ceramic pour over holder thing and a #2 filter to make one cup of coffee. A lot easier for me than messing with a machine.

      1. +1 I don’t drink coffee but I have the pour over device and filters for when my adult kids visit. They have one that makes 2 cups at a time, but we’re fine with the single serve size.

      2. This ceramic pour over thing looks perfect. I WFH by myself so I just need to make one cup of coffee at a time usually. Thanks!

    7. I hate to say it because it’s an expensive solution, but I am obsessed with my Nespresso. In fact, my whole family is obsessed with it. The coffee they put in their pond is just so much more delicious than anything Keurig does. And the pods are recyclable.

      This is coming from someone who has used an aeropress, a pressurized porta filter espresso machine, who has roasted her own beans, and has tried every coffee set up imaginable. The Nespresso is delicious.

      1. Everything you said.And I was especially a huge Aeropress fangirl.But adding on to the Nespresso.

    8. The One Cup MoccaMaster is my usual daily go to. I prefer a French press but there are just so many mornings I don’t want to fiddle around to make a cup of coffee.

    9. For single origin, locally roasted beans from my favorite roaster, I prefer an Aeropress or a pour over.

      I’ll be the voice of dissent and say that Nespresso is to truly good coffee what McDonald’s coffee is to Kuerig. Passable if you are visiting and someone offers a cup, but not something I would intentionally seek out.

      1. I think that’s fair. It is what a store bought frozen cheesecake from TJ is to a really good homemade or restaurant quality cheesecake. It’s not the same as the real deal but sometimes you just want to push a button and have a foamy coffee. Keurig in that equation is like an Entenmanns version of premade cake. It makes sense to me that people love Nespresso over Keurig but I am always confused when someone says that they are really into coffee and are still impressed.

      2. Yeah I get you. I’m the person above who has even roasted her own beans. I’ve tried every gadget. But I love pressing a button and getting a cup of coffee or something extremely close to an espresso shot (with crema and everything.) My husband was a Peet’s dirty chai latte addict at $6 a pop and now it costs him a little over $1 to make one he finds just as good.

        Fyi my Nespresso is the Vertuo.

    10. Add another vote for the Nespresso. I grind my own light roast local coffee for daily use with a pour-over Chemex, but Nespresso is the treat I give myself on days I need a treat to keep working.

  14. For the past year, I’ve been trying to help two long-distance tech-challenged parents navigate one parent’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis. In an elderly patient, diagnosed at stage 4, I knew it as a fatal diagnosis. And yet, I feel like I’m building the plane as I fly it: IDK why they don’t start the palliative care / hospice discussion at or shortly after the diagnosis, help have person who medically owns the patient (especially after chemo stops), explains medicare and all the local permutations of assistance available and possibly theoretically needed, explains that each financial service and medical provider doesn’t much care about your POA/advance directive and wants you to fill out their form (which may or may not need to be notarized), etc. There are things I’ve missed, no doubt.
    Are there orgs out there that do this for this kind of cancer (maybe other kinds are that bad, but IMO it’s different than something that is manageable or gives you years to figure it out and where you may have a decent QOL for much of it)? Or is maybe that what I should look into doing as an outlet for my grief? I know hospitals have things like child-life specialists to help families and children deal with the non-medical aspects of illnesses and IDK that that exists outside of the hospital setting and for older (generally) people.

    1. I’m sorry. It is so hard.

      Basically, I was the person that figured all that stuff out when my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I had to move in with them to do it. I know….

      Some hospitals don’t have enough Palliative Care services. Or are limited in their Palliative Care, and assume that asking for Palliative Care means you are stopping treatment and entering Hospice, which is not what most people want right after diagnosis. Most people…. even if they realize they are going to die… want to try to slow down the cancer and get a little more time to live. That means try some chemo.
      That is human nature, and not wrong. Sadly, often people are diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when they are otherwise active and “healthy”, so learning that you may not survive this diagnosis is pretty overwhelming. And the will to try to survive is strong.

      It is helpful if you are at a major Cancer Center / Academic Hospital. They may have a better staffed Palliative Care clinic that is familiar with joining the Cancer team to help at each stage in the process. Hopefully your parents have this.

      Sometimes there are social workers who work in the Cancer Center who can help describe Medicare things, direct you to assistance. But they often just meet with you for a visit, and leave you with a list of phone calls and things to do on your own. My father would not have managed it, if I wasn’t there to help.

      It is useful to keep copies of the POAs etc… as an attachment on your parents’ phones so that they can show/email to any doctor that needs to see them.

      It is so utterly exhausting, stressful, infuriating to deal with all of this…..

      Yes you are building a plane as you fly it…. exactly.

      I found an online pancreatic cancer support group/discussion group very helpful at the time. Search for those. Others going through it can give great advice. Also you can call PanCan and their patient advocates can give you great resources. And yes…. it did help my grief to be active doing some of these things…. so I felt like I was helping/kept busy. But that’s my nature.

    2. I’m sorry you are finding out in real time how awful the healthcare system is for American families. I’ve been navigating this for 20 years as the spouse of a person with a chronic and now fatal illness requiring 24 hour in-home and facility-based care. Even having access to the best resources available and the financial wherewithal to pay for them, there are major gaps that can’t be filled. I think of the story of some billionaire, who said money can’t fix everything – “if I go to buy a bagel and the shop is out of sesame bagels, I’m not getting a sesame bagel today.” That’s how this all works, and many of the people on this site – people with means and high expectations – are about to find all of this out when their parents, kids and/or partners end up in a medical crisis.

    3. This cancer is usually fatal, especially if you are older, especially if it is stage 4 (often when it is diagnosed). You might have a year to live, but the average survival depending on age/stage, is months. MONTHS. Chemo might buy you some time,but is not a cure. No one seems to own the most difficult parts of the conversation and the navigation. Or come with the message that things may seem fine until suddenly they don’t. It is maddening because I could google the future but no one seemed to want to talk about it (and if you are single or live alone, you need to prepare for when you can’t do stairs or shop for your food or who your local helpers are or your paperwork to authorize this). If you have family, they may not get how fatal this is or disagree or try to take you on a cruise (find if you want to, but what if you have a medical event on it? will they respect your DNR or demand that a helicopter come to take you to a hospital (I kid you not . . .)).

    4. I would also call PanCAN if you haven’t yet; they have a patient and caregiver services line.

  15. Anyone seen any sleek wooden curtain holders lately? Like curtain ties, but not beads or cloth – wood. I’ve seen these before but can’t find them now.

    3. I saw some options at Target, but on the cheaper. Not bad if you want to try the look out.

  16. Yes, I had pretty severe fatigue–like a few times I had to take at nap right at 3pm or I couldn’t function for the rest of my day. That passed after about a month.

    I always take my shot at night to avoid nausea. I have generally had very few other side effects, and I lost about 25 lbs in the past few months (stopped for a short vacation recently).

  17. My old Breville conked out and I’m in the market for a good quality toaster oven, something that can hold a small pizza or cook six chicken breasts at once, we almost exclusively use a toaster oven to cook as a small family. Must have an exact temperature setting (not the 250, 300, 350 degree type dial).

    Thanks for any recommendations!

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