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I just saw a thing in O magazine about how Wolford just introduced nude tights in ten shades, which is great. They're winning rave reviews over at Zappos, aside from a few reviewers who seem confused by the fact that Wolford named them tights. At 10 denier, though, they're definitely more in line with sheer, very light hose — contrast that with the 100 denier of these opaque Wolford tights, or the 110 denier of everyone's favorite Commando tights, and you can see the difference. The pictured Wolford hose are $50. Ladies, what is your favorite brand and color of “nude for you” hose? Wolford Individual 10 Tights
Psst 1: we just updated our Guide to Pantyhose.
Psst 2: We have tentatively decided to try a new sidebar feature called “recent threadjacks of interest” (currently live at the bottom of the sidebar). This isn't mean to be exhaustive by any means, nor is it an endorsement of the comments therein — it just seemed like a fun way to highlight some of the great discussions going on. (Yes, it took 8 years of great discussions on this blog for this to occur to me.)
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Loco
I like the “recent threadjacks of interest” addition, but wish it was a little bit higher up on the sidebar!
Anonymous
Agree
Cat
me too — actually, for me, the “sidebar” is all the way below the comments, so it took me awhile to find the link!
Anonymous
This! +1!
Anon
I like the addition, but it took 8 years to occur to you when I’ve seen similar ideas requested in the comments for at least the last few years. People have asked for tags or archives of the comments sections many times.
Nati
I think it’s a good idea and am just happy to see it executed! Thanks, Kat.
TK
Thank you Kat for providing this enormously helpful and free service that many of us turn to multiple times daily.
Great addition.
anon
+1
This. Thanks for the free virtual hang out space
Spirograph
+1. I’m sure that’s what anon meant to say.
Anon
Just trying to give a little credit where credit is due – Kat has done amazing work here, but the commenters take this site to another level.
Anonymous
I like this feature, but I worry a little about anonymity. People come here to ask for advice about tricky work and personal situations. Sometimes to get accurate advice, they have to provide enough details that someone close to the situation would probably be able to tell who it was, even if some details were fudged. This space is so much better, from an anonymity perspective, than an advice column or reddit because the posts have about a half day life cycle – you’re not going to make it to the front page of the internet, you’re going to be old news by the coffee break. I would hate for people to hesitate to ask questions here because they’re worried about being featured in the side bar.
Anonymous
+1.
Recommendations for sunscreen, running apps and restaurants in XYZ city are harmless and useful to put in a wiki-type sidebar. But one of the sidebar threads that is currently showing up for me is the one about having a crush on your coworker, and I think that–along with threads about specific job and relationship issues–raises the concerns you mention.
Anonymous
I just took a look @ the comment thread in question- there is literally no way that anyone could know who that person is!
I think everyone thinks that they are identifiable, but I really think we all have way more in common than we think & we aren’t all that identifiable.
If you are concerned when you post, post “anonymous for this”.
Anonymous
Sorry, I meant relationship/romantic threads generally, with the crush one as an example of a thread that veers into that territory (even if the particular thread is anon-friendly). It’s not even really useful to have that type of thread in the sidebar, and I can think of some threads where people posted as Anon for This about wanting encouragement or a kick in the pants to end an affair, and gave lots of details and then later slipped up and posted under their regular handle.
Anonymous
I absolutely recognize many “anon for this” posts as being from regular posters. You’re not as anon as you think you are.
Anonymous
Honestly people aren’t as anonymous as they think. I had a resume come across my desk from a former long time poster and certain people have very distinctive writing styles/jobs.
Ellen is looking for a new job??
is ellen looking?
anon
Yeah. Keep this feature for things like “what’s a good crock pot recipe,” or tag vacation destinations, or general questions like “should i go to law school” or gift ideas or book ideas.
Anonymous
Does anyone have any experience with a company letting an employee go without repaying their signing bonus?
I signed a one year contract with a bonus of one month’s pay. I’ve been here 6 months and I’m miserable. I’d like to return to my previous government employer, which would be unable to buy out my contract.
My current company hired 3 new employees at once, and there’s no work for us. In an average week, I spend about 30 hours playing on my phone. The same goes for the other new employees. We record our hours, so management knows this.
The way I see it, the company is shelling out big bucks every month for me and my cohorts to do next to nothing. Me leaving actually helps their bottom line…but I’m not sure if they’ll feel that way. Can anyone speak to management’s perspective on this? If it matters, I’m in a tiny group (30 people) in a major multinational corporation.
Daisy
If you’re at a major multinational corporation I’d guess the signing bonus is less about losing money and more about retention/human capital, in which case I would think you, “new, bottom rung employee” (at least in their eyes), pointing them to bottom line savings by letting you out early isn’t going to be all that motivating/compelling to ease up on what is likely a tightly managed HR policy.
bridget
Instead of guessing, would it be worthwhile to talk to your manager about the amount of available work, use of your time, and the long-term potential for the group when staffed at this level?
Frame it as being an ambitious employee who wants to know what is going on, not as someone unable to pay back her signing bonus and wants out.
Anon
A friend of mine got out of repaying her signing bonus when she quit. Her company was going down hill and they gave her a 20% pay cut to do the same amount of work (rather than laying her off). When she got a new job they wanted her signing bonus $ back. She hired an employment lawyer that wrote a letter stating that the employer didn’t hold up their side of the employment contract (her salary was changed). I’m not an attorney so sorry for the non-legal lingo. Maybe you can argue that your employer isn’t holding up their end of the deal because they aren’t providing you with the job you agreed to??? Not sure.
KT
Yeah, that won’t fly. If you leave before the contract time, you’ll have to pay it back.
If you leave, they’ll have to start another search, which can take months, either have employees fill in (likely needing additional pay or bonuses) or hire a temp, and then pay a new person a signing bonus too. You leaving does hurt their bottom line overall.
Why not talk to your manager about the work, suggest areas you could work on and are interested in?
Anonymous
But….couldn’t the other two people who also don’t have anything to do take on her workload, without the need for someone new?
Unless, the company is expecting a ramp up that just hasn’t happened yet or has been delayed?
KT
I mean, in six months, you usually arent working at full capacity. I know for me, every time I’ve started a new job, 6 months was the bare minimum learning period. It wasn’t until a year plus that I started getting hit heavy with work, once I proved I could do it.
Your company knows how many hours you’re logging *and not working* so they likely see a need for 3 people to do the work soon, but you may not be trained for it or it may not be the busy season yet.
OP
Thanks for your thoughts.
I think the group lead has visions of grandeur that haven’t come to fruition. When we were hired, there were already two other people with this job who’d been here a year, and they were only at 60% capacity. Then they hired the 3 of us. We new employees are at about 15% capacity and we’ve dragged down the original 2 to about 40%. They hired ANOTHER new person last month.
They couldn’t keep their original 2 employees fully occupied, much less the 4 new people they’ve hired.
I throw my hands up in the air most days. This place makes no sense.
I’m leaving regardless. The question is just whether it happens on or before day 366 :/
Anonymous
Can I have your job? I’m overwhelmed with a chronically ill child, a house renovation, and a husband who has a second FT job. I would love to have 30 hours a week to be paid to just work on my personal life.
OP
Yes! I’d gladly give it to you!
It’s ironic that I’m in a time in my life when I can and want to lean in but my job is forcing me to lean out. So I go to therapy, leave promptly at 5 for the gym, etc, etc. I’m positive that at some time in the future when I need to lean out, I’ll be slammed.
Anonymous
If there are any legal secretaries/assistants looking for this kind of setup, please apply to my firm! 10 hours a week of work would be an improvement over what I get out of my current assistant. All I ask is that you don’t roll your eyes when I give you my one task request for the week, and that your 30 hours of personal time don’t consist of personal calls directly outside my door at a volume only appropriate for a Nascar pit, while claiming “I don’t like the phone” when I ask you to pick up a call on my line.
Idea
My friend had a signing bonus with a 1 year commitment.
The boss and job were crazy-making, she had other issues. She took medical leave for mental health reasons. She was able to find another job during this time off. She never went back to her job.
It was CLOSE, but definitely less than 1 year. Say, 9.5 or 10+ months or so.
They never asked for the money back and her accountant told her she’s in the clear.
She loves her job now.
Anonymous
So.
I’ve been getting UTIs more frequently. Every time we try something, ahem, different. The last time I went to the urgent care clinic, she said you can get a prescription for an antibiotic that you take every time you garden.
Has anyone had any luck staving off UTIs this way?
lsw
I’ll freely admit I don’t know anything about this and I’m no doctor, but from all the research on how we’re taking too many antibiotics I would feel very uncomfortable with the idea of taking antibiotics every single time I gardened. Can you talk to your PCP or gyno?
Runner 5
That sounds like a recipe for antibiotic resistant bacteria.
Anonymous
+1. I’m not a physician, but this sounds like a really irresponsible way to prescribe antibiotics. I still remember my microbiology professor intoning, “It is not an exaggeration to say that antibiotic resistance is the number one challenge facing modern medicine.”
No personal experience, but a good friend had problems with frequent UTIs and swears by cranberry juice (make sure to get 100% juice, not the c0cktail kind that’s full of extra sugar!). I believe there are also cranberry supplement pills you can take that are supposed to have the same effect without the calories.
Anonymous
I swear by trader joe’s 100% cran juice. I like sour stuff, so I put about 1/2 a cup of this and fill up my glass with sparkling water… super refreshing and the cran & extra water is great for these sorts of issues. Whenever I feel like I’m getting one, I start downing this & almost have never had an issue.
Loco
I have a prescription for it (I’m blanking on the name), and it works. I take it every time after he “waters” (ugh, euphemisms) because that was leading to UTIs and haven’t had one since. It’s been a game changer and makes TTC much less… painful after the fact.
Loco
I had the same concerns about frequency of use, but I was able to narrow down the cause of gardening-related UTIs to a specific behavior and I only take it when that behavior takes place. So far, so good.
Loco
Also, pee every single time after you finish.
Anonymous
+600. I did the abx-post-activity for a while, but found peeing post-activity led to no UTI’s.
Anonymous
I do that, and it works most of the time. It’s just when we do this one specific thing. I guess I’ll try cranberry pills.
Anonymous
Eh – I think there have been studies that indicate the cranberry connection is just an old wives tale. The real trick is the water.
But – it shouldn’t hurt anything to try, so go ahead if you think it will help.
Diana Barry
I have had two UTIs frequently and I *think* I also traced the behavior – have talked to my DH about the order of operations and think that will fix things.
Anonshmanon
+1. This is important, as far as I know. If a tool is used in one particular garden bed, it should not directly come into contact with another garden bed. (This feels like a weird creative writing prompt) Basically, cross-contamination, people.
MRSA
That sounds like a lot of antibiotics to be taking – which has implications for antibotic-resistance and the good bacteria in your gut.
And which may be contraindicated for hormonal BC (if that’s what you are using), giving a higher potential risk of getting pregnant.
Meg Murry
Yes, taking antibiotics that frequently would be asking for major digestive trouble for me, and probably an accompanying yeast infection to boot.
From what I understand, preventative antibiotics are a treatment option, but I’d think you’d want them to be a last resort, not first.
Were you treated just based off of symptoms, or were any cultures run? From what I understand, there are now strains of bacteria that can cause a UTI that are resistant to the most common antibiotics currently used in treatment.
Either way, I think this is a case where you should follow up with your PCP or OBGYN if everything isn’t cleared up after this treatment and let them decide whether frequent antibiotics would be a good option for you or if there is something else they can/should do first.
Anonymous
I never have issues, but post having a baby, I got one that wasn’t cured by the regular antibiotics. Became a kidney infection that landed me in the emergency room in the worst pain of my life, was very not fun. My dr said that hormonal swings can cause more issues and I usually feel a little off like something is going to start pre-period. I chug trader joe’s 100% cranberry juice (about 5 oz cj & 15 oz sparkling water) all day and it always makes me feel better within a day or two. Plus I really hate plain water & love sour stuff, so I dig the spritzer.
The one time I didn’t do this was the time I ended up in the hospital… sometimes wives have tales because they know something. :)
MRSA
Or one could see what respected health centers have to say. Which is mixed. Interestingly enough, one of the pieces of advice is the single dose oral antibiotic….
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2015/10/can-cranberry-juice-stop-uti/
Anon
Having had MRSA, I’d like to ask the world not to do this.
Does the old peeing immediately after gardening not work for you? I had UTIs constantly in college until the nurse told me that. Haven’t had one since.
Zelda
Have you tried drinking more water, adding probiotics and using the bathroom after gardening? These made a huge difference for me.
Nati
Same.
Anon
I used to get chronic UTIs. Now I take cranberry supplements, drink lots of water, and go pee and wipe good every time after we have s3x and I haven’t had one in a long time. I was going to get the preventative antibiotic but decided I would try being strict about these other things first and for me it works.
Anonymous
I get UTIs from certain kids of lube.
Calico
I’ve had chronic UTIs my whole life. I wouldn’t advise taking antibiotics after every trip to the lawn. As everyone has said, you should be ok if you urinate after. One thing to watch for if you have frequent UTIs but the doctor doesn’t find bacteria in your urine. I have recently been diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis which mirrors all the awful symptoms of a UTI, but it’s persistent and not treatable with antibiotics since it isn’t an infection. Just a heads up.
Anon
I had this exact issue in college and was Rx a a prophylactic dosage of antibiotic. I was to take it after every party and it worked! I went from 6 UTIs a year to maybe 1.
Anon
I’ll chime in to say that I take an antibiotic every time after and was also extremely hesitant to do so for all of the good reasons already given. So I tried everything else first, all of which also has already been listed above. Still got recurrent, very painful UTIs. For me, the antibiotic treatment solved it. FWIW, I take acidophilus daily, eat lots of yogurt, and otherwise eat healthy (lots of greens, very little sugar, etc.) to try to counter balance the impact of the preventative antibiotic and hold onto my healthy bacteria. So my advice would be to try lots of other preventive measures first but the antibiotic treatment is there if you truly need it.
MargaretO
Serious question for those doing the anti biotic routine – how does this work? Do you have to finish the course of antibiotics before you garden again? I am a….rather frequent gardener and I can’t imagine taking antibiotics everyday! This is one of those issues that where it seems obvious to me that we should be spending way more resources on researching women’s reproductive/sexual health.
Loco
For me, I only take a pill on a night when my husband finishes inside of me (why am I blushing???). I go to the bathroom, clean up, and take a pill with some water. Otherwise he pulls out and I find that I don’t have at UTI issues after those sessions.
MargaretO
Do you only have to take one dose for it to work? Sorry for all the questions, I have heard of this solution before and it always seemed (excuse my pun) totally loco to me! So I am curious.
Loco
In my experience, one dose does the trick. But consult your doctor, of course!
MargaretO
Thank you for answering my questions!
Anon
Yes, just one. One popular antibiotic for UTIs hurt my stomach and I switched. Now all good.
Jen
Try taking a supplement with d-mannose in addition to the cranberry pills (or you can get a supplement that is a combo of cranberry pill, d-mannose, and probiotics all in one). This is the holy grail and helped me get past having to resort to antibiotics (this is not a replacement for antibiotics, but will help in the healing and then be useful in preventing them in the future).
Anon
THIS! D-mannose changed my life. Research it.
Anonymous
Get D-mannose capsules (I use Now brand) and take them regularly or around the events that give you UTIs. If you get a UTI, take a megadose and drink lots of water and it will pass quickly. I’ve had UTIs that have been cleared by it, twice I have gone to the the doctor and later got a call saying that there was no bacteria present in my culture, even though I had all the signs and leukocyte/nitrite counts that indicated I had a UTI (definitely go to the doctor every time you get one). It supposedly sticks to the bacteria so it can be eliminated faster, and it really works for me – there are thousands of rave reviews on Amazon. Cranberry pills do not work in my experience, drinking cranberry juice does nothing, and cipro gave me tendon damage. Since taking the d-mannose regularly, I don’t get them anymore. I also agree with the other posters about checking your lube and peeing after certain events.
Anonymous
Go see a urologist just in case. I started getting utis out of nowhere and it turned out I had a kidney stone. No other symptoms. Cranberry pills helped keep away the infections until I had lithotripsy.
Anon
Take a look at D-mannose it is the “active component” from cranberries, but you can get it in higher concentrations. I take a number of them (4 or so) the morning after any new gardening techniques after getting the worst UTI of my life following some playful gardening fun.
Anonnnnn
Just a plug for the Femdophilius brand of probiotics– specifically designed for gardens and has been a game changer.
Wolfords are pricey
I bought my first pairs of Wolfords this past winter. Black tights of different types/sheens. They are good, but be aware they don’t have much extra reinforcement on top. Since I have a larger butt, this means that they don’t provide extra support, and I’m worried they will stretch and lose their shape. Only time will tell.
In the Pink
I wear Filoforo (Italian) daily. Style Aurora 15. They wear like iron and are sheer. I can’t find them in stores. But the variety available and delivery from shapings dot com out of Toronto gets them to me in the USA in a week. I stock up and they are about $7/pair. Those are for work. I like the Sylvia Grandi for evenings out, invoking ones for sandals/thong shoes and those that are toeless. I annoy a shill. Just a very loyal customer for over twenty years now.
Coach Laura
Quote: “I annoy a shill.” and “invoking ones for sandals/thong shoes”
Funny.
Gotta love autocorrect.
I need internet hugs
I tried posting this on the mom’s site but it wasn’t working. So I hope it’s okay to post here. (I read here regularly too.)
In the last two months, two coworkers in our four person office (which was already down two staff people – should be a six person office) left. One left two weeks ago and was going to cover me during maternity leave. As a result I’m working insane hours, I’m responding to everything (the other staff person here is an administrative assistant), and I’m totally burning out. We are filling two positions soon, but they are both below me (though I don’t manage them – long story on the makeup of our employer), and they will both need intensive onboarding…which is not currently planned on by anyone, because the ED of our department is one of the open positions, and the position above that is also open, so all of us are currently reporting to the president – who is actually only the interim president, and is still doing her other full time job, and has about 20 other direct reports right now in addition to running our entire 100 person department. I just started having my prenatal appointments every two weeks because I’m 31 weeks. Last week I was told I don’t have to take the 3 hour glucose test because I scored 135 and their cutoff is 140. Today I was told I “should” take it because on Saturday they changed their cut off to 135. My husband said it sounded like they were saying I don’t HAVE to take it, but what I heard was “you’re a bad mom if you don’t take it because something could be wrong with your baby” and I feel like the worst person in the world if I make it seem like work is more important than the baby. I’m out of town this weekend visiting my best friend whose mom just died. Can’t cancel that. I was out of town this past weekend, driving myself and stepdaughter 3.5 hours to my parents’ house for a family baby shower, drove 3.5 hours home the next day (husband was working and couldn’t come). I haven’t had a day off that wasn’t for doctor visit or sickness since last October. Every time I respond to one crisis at work another one comes up. My maternity leave plan is 100% invalid now because the person was taking over a large majority of tasks is the one who quit two weeks ago. She also just sent me an email from her new job saying she “hoped I wasn’t stressing out too much because that affects the baby.” I have no time to rewrite my maternity leave plan because I have two major events coming up this month and I am the point person on both. I feel like my actual job responsibilities are being left by the wayside as I cover absolutely everything else in the office. I cried all the way back from the appointment after learning about the need to take this test. I feel like an absolute mess and that I am failing at everything. Please internet hug me.
Loco
:Bear hug:
Now lean out. Please. Just a little bit. It is not your fault your employer has had unexpected departures and doesn’t have a plan in place to address open positions in every level of the company. You are not their emergency plan. Try to remember that. This is the interim president’s issue and whomever she reports to. Get in front of her early and often to remind her that your department is under-staffed and that your maternity leave will begin on “x” date whether there’s a plan in place to cover your absence or not.
Diana Barry
+100. Big hugs! Whatever they do to cover your maternity leave is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Anon in NYC
+1. And giant hugs.
Maddie Ross
(a) That’s not the kind of stress that harms the baby. That’s the kind of stress that harms the mom. Living in war torn conditions harms babies. Being stretched thin at work and in life is (sadly) pretty par for the course. That said, make sure you’re getting enough sleep and eating well. Control what you can control and let go of the rest.
(b) I, like your husband, read that 3-hour test as optional based on your doc’s recommendations. Given the option, I would probably not take it. If you’re concerned, ask your doc for a rec for a nutritionist or guidelines for a GD diet. My understanding is that esp. if you’re so close to being within range, you would only use diet to control, not insulin or anything. You are not a bad mom!
Anon
+1. I was borderline like that and took the second test because my doctor did not give me the option not to. I was borderline on the second test too (also due to revised cutoff numbers) and so I monitored my blood sugar for a couple weeks and it was also more than fine (none of those readings were borderline) and so the dr said I didn’t have to monitor anymore. My baby weighed 6.5 lbs.
As for the work stuff, inform your higher-ups that this is when you are taking maternity leave and they will have to figure out how to cope.
Anonymous
+1 to this and to Loco’s comment that you are not the emergency plan.
Your emergency plan is still valid, it just needs the names changed. I promise, someone will pick up the slack. It sounds like this is your first baby… if you’re like me and don’t work in a life-saving profession, becoming a mother may be accompanied by an epiphany that work is just work. Try to jump the gun a little bit and start repeating it to yourself as a mantra. You cannot do the work of 6 people including those in levels of management above you. No one expects that, and nothing terrible will happen if it doesn’t get done. Your physical and mental health is more important than your company’s P/L.
In this situation, I think your only responsibility is to adequately document your projects, their status, and any contacts who are integral to them. Spread this document to as many people as you need to in order to be sure SOMEONE has it when you go out on leave. And then do your job as well as you can during your normal hours at work, and let it goooooo when you leave in the evening or for an OB appointment.
And hugs.
Jen
On the glucose- the bar for taking the 3 hour definitely varies by practice, anywhere from 135 to 145. Do you have any other risk factors for GD?
I’ve had 3 pregnancies and only “failed” the 1 hour once (second kid). I had a 159. The 3 hour wiped me out for the day and I’m normally not affected by blood draws and the like- but it’s 12 hours of fasting (no water) + 3 hours of blood draws while fasting (no water). I never felt like I was going to be ill, but I drank a ton of water, ate 2 protein bars on the way home, ate a sandwich, then took a 3 hour nap after. Do not plan to go to work after- at most, WFH.
FWIW I passed the 3 hour with flying colors.
For the rest of your issues, have you met with your boss? Or your it interim boss? Someone should be there to help you navigate coverage. As a manager, I’ve always co-planned mat leave coverage for my employees. We talk about priorities (obviously 100% of got work can’t be covered without hiring a replacement), who might be a good candidate to take it on, then I work to socialize the individual taking on the work, and the employee going on leave does training/transition/documentation.
Anon
+1 to LOCO. My company stuck me in a similar compromising position when I was pregnant with twins. Your job is to let them know what you know….you will be having a baby in the next 10 weeks. That’s what you know! It could happen tomorrow! Is it likely, no, could it happen, yes. Their inability to plan is not your problem. I repeatedly reminded my supervisors that I could go out on bedrest at any time but that I didn’t think it was likely. I wanted to encourage them to have a back up plan in place. They finally put some contractors on retainer just in case something were to happen in the middle of our big project. I went to the doctor at 3o weeks feeling great – they put me on bedrest on that day. Literally everything on my desk was left where it was. (example only – you’re not likely to go on bedrest with one baby). I was to do nothing. But I did my job – I warned them repeatedly of what could happen and they finally listened. That’s all you can do is do the best job you can while you’re there and remind them that you’ll be out on maternity leave starting sometime in the next 10 weeks. Do what the doctors tell you. If you need to take the glucose test, take the glucose test. Your employer needs to have a back up plan.
Also, it’s easy for me to say the above now. But ohhh was I stressed out, I get it. I cried in my office on numerous occasions. Being pregnant is hard enough work. Do what you can to take care of yourself. Are you covered by FMLA?
Meg Murry
So your department is down to just you and an admin? Email the president that is supervising you and lay it out just like you did here: “the former 6 person department is down to just me and the admin, and I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and scheduled to go out on maternity leave. I can not keep covering the work of the entire department, and I currently have no one to hand off my responsibilities to during my leave. I need to meet with you ASAP to prioritize what I can do in these last few weeks before I go out on leave and how we can arrange for other items to be covered.”
You are one person. You can’t do the work of 5 employees. It sounds like the interim president is also currently in fire-fighting mode. Well, guess what – your situation qualifies as a fire to me, and she needs to either deal with it or delegate someone to deal with it, because she’s probably operating under the assumption that no news from your department = everything is ok.
Figure out what you can reasonably, humanly do, put together that list (and don’t be super human about it) and then put together the list of what isn’t going to get done. What are the repercussions if that work doesn’t get done (are you in finance and risk failing an audit? are you in fundraising and no events = no budget for next year? are you in payroll and risk not getting people their paychecks).
If you can, come up with suggestions of what could be done to help (bring in temps, temporarily assign people from other departments, give up on certain projects or push them back months, etc) but remember that you doing it all is not a feasible answer, and it’s not your job to solve all their problems.
Meg Murry
and HUGS! You are not a bad mother. Can you call your doctor and go over whether you are truly at risk for GD (do you have any other symptoms they need to worry about?) or whether this is a CYA test? As others have mentioned, I know more than one person that opted to go for measuring blood sugar and monitoring their simple carb consumption rather than take the 3 hour test.
Anonymous
I had GD. I failed the one hour by something insane like 50 points. I sincerely doubt you have it and am guessing you ate a piece of bread within 12 hours of taking the test. Suggestion: if you really feel bound to redo, can you ask your dr. to give you a couple of weeks to settle things down (I know that might not help on work, but may help on some of your other stuff) and follow the low carb diet in the meantime? It’s 45-30-45-30-45-30 carbs per each time eating alternating meal and snack. No juice.
Coach Laura
+1 Even if you weren’t pregnant, one person can’t do the work of 5 or 6 reliably or well. With all the salary they’re saving on the 4 people who quit, they can hire a temp or two, a consultant or two. Do you have contacts who are job-hunting? Refer them to the President. You could contribute by triaging and prioritizing projects/deadlines for OTHER people to do and as the most experienced person you can contribute your expertise in this way to get the most benefit to the organization.
Wolford
Okay, I might have to give these another shot. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Wolford’s wool tights (American meaning) for winter. But I purchased 2 pairs of hose from them in the past and both of them had runs within 3 hours of me putting them on. :( I think I am just cursed.
AIMS
I recently bought some Shimera brand stockings at Nordstrom Rack on a total whim and was very impressed with the quality and how normal it looked on my legs. And for $6 I don’t feel bad if they get a run. I’m surprised to say I’ve worn them 5-6 times in this recent in-between weather and have been very happy with the purchase. I’m not sure what the shade was called, maybe “nude,” but it worked on my very pale legs.
Anon
What do you do when you’re facing something legitimately bad (in this case, a dear relative is dying of cancer) and you’re just totally on the verge all day? It will take only one well-intentioned “how’s your aunt doing?” for me to totally break down and I’d prefer if that didn’t happen at work. Any tips for distraction or smooth subject changes? Avoiding the subject worked fine before, but it’s too close to the surface now.
KT
Could you send a note to coworkers you’re friendly with? It’s not the same, but I always get really emotional and my nerves are shot during the anniversary of my brother’s death.
I usually send my team and any coworkers I’ll have regular interaction with a short email that says “Look, this week is really bad for me because of X. I really just want to focus on work to distract myself. While I appreciate that you care, could you help me get through this week by not asking about X?”
plum
Going on a second date tonight after an okay but not amazing first date last week. The guy seems very interested and I strongly suspect is going to kiss me, want to touch/hold hands, etc. I’m…really not interested in doing that with him (yet?). Honestly, I don’t know if it’s a sign that I’ll never be interested in him or if it’s just that I need more time/to move more slowly and get to know him better. (I just broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago.)
Any thoughts/language to use tonight other than “ugh stop touching me”?
Anonymous
You don’t even want to hold his hand? Dude. If you’re physically repulsed by him, move on.
Anonymous
Agreed.
plum
I’m not physically repulsed by him, but I don’t feel an instant attraction either. Mainly I feel like I’d need to get to know him better before wanting him in that way…the only thing that is repulsive to me is feeling like I’m going to have to reject his advances.
Nati
You know what, I tend to be slow to warm to people and was in this position often when I dated. I really do need to feel comfortable with someone before I want any sort of physical contact (whether that makes me prude or not, it’s a boundary and I respect those feelings).
With most guys, though, the desire for that contact did come after a few more dates, so I think you should definitely continue to see him if you’re genuinely interested. As anon said below, most men will read your body language. He might notice hesitation and ask if it’s ok to kiss you or hold your hand. I actually really respected that and sometimes said no in a kind way and explained myself. It was such a turn-on that the man was cognizant of my boundaries, though, that the contact usually followed soon after! :-)
Nati
I wanted to add – I don’t necessarily think it’s fair to expect men to be mind readers, so if he isn’t catching on to your body language, you may have to use your words and express what you’re feeling to avoid any embarrassment on his part or yours. This is ok. His reaction might give you insight into whether he’s a good match for you.
plum
Thanks for this–very helpful. And I think I am similar to you. I’m glad you respected your own feelings…I am not always as good at that!
nutella
I was the same way. Now fiance and I joke about how shy I was, but especially with internet dating, they are still new to you and I need to know someone a bit better. He knew I was shy and very much respected it and it won major points for me.
anon
You don’t have to be physically repulsed by someone to not be ready for physical contact- especially if you’ve only gone on one date (ie, have basically spent 3 hours with this person) and are not sure if you’re attracted. I’m this way- I do not find the idea of kissing or holding hands with people who are basically strangers to be pleasant. And yeah, attraction can grow where it’s not instant.
This is just my personal preference, and to each their own, but unless there’s crazy chemistry, I cannot stand when dudes want to make out after one short date. Or worse, try to sleep with me. Ugh. I’m in my late 20’s, FWIW.
plum
Yes, this is exactly how I feel when I go on most dates.
Anonymous
Holding hands/some touching/a kiss good night is pretty routine on a second date. If you really don’t want to, don’t. But I don’t think asking to go even slower is reasonable. You don’t wanna touch or kiss in anyway? You shouldn’t be dating this guy.
Nati
Of course it’s reasonable. It is 100% always reasonable to respect your feelings and assert your boundaries. This guy can certainly decide that the pace isn’t right for him, but why should plum have to arbitrarily rush just to fit into what’s considered “routine”?
Anonymous
Wow, fortunately you don’t set any sort of social standards in real life. That assertion is ridiculous – trying to tell people what’s “reasonable” or “normal” for physical contact the second time seeing someone? That’s laughable.
Nati
I’m happy someone else agrees!
plum
Me too.
anon
Dude, WTF. It’s absolutely NOT unreasonable to not want touching/kissing on a second date. She has every right to assert those boundaries. It’s common, sure, but it’s certainly not required.
What, is she supposed to sleep with him on Date 3 or else, according to your standards? Gross. Maybe one of the grossest comments I’ve seen on this s*te.
Anonymous
This comment is so absurd that it has to be a troll.
Anonymous
Nope. Regular commenter who just thinks it’s really weird to not even be comfortable touching hands on a second date.
Anon
I think you should be able to get away with using body language here, unless he has difficulty with nonverbal cues. I would often use my stance, body position, arm/elbow position, etc. to discourage physical contact on a date where I wasn’t comfortable yet in order to avoid awkward comments. Good luck!
plum
Good point…nonverbal cues will (I hope) be less awkward for all concerned.
KT
Yeahhhhh if the thought of your date touching you freaks you out, skip the second date
Diana Barry
Agreed.
Nati
I wish that I could agree. But some people have experienced trauma in the past or are otherwise hard-wired differently. Feeling “freaked out” that someone I’ve met once might kiss me isn’t generally the result of me being not interested or repulsed, but the result of me not having built adequate comfort yet with that person.
Anon
+1
I am one of those people that needs to be more comfortable with someone before engaging in physical contact – whether it’s a hug goodbye from a friend or intimacy with a partner. That doesn’t mean that person isn’t interested. It is rude to expect that other people’s personal comfort and boundaries fit your social worldview. Some people are not naturally “touchy-feely” types.
plum
Yeah, I’m not super touchy-feely in general, either.
Anonymous
+1 to Nati in this whole convo. I am not a touchy-feely person either so I have to be really interested in a person to want physical contact. If I met a guy through an online app, I don’t even consider the first meeting to be a date so the second time we meet is not even close to time for close contact for me. A good night hug, sure, a cheek kiss is fine, but I’m not going to make out with someone in the dog park parking lot at 3pm (ugh to that guy, he acted like he’d just got out of prison that morning with how close he kept trying to get). And FWIW, other than smarmy dog park guy, I’ve never got the impression that any more contact was “expected.” If I did get that impression, it would be a sign that this guy is not a good fit for me.
Anonymous
If you think “ugh, stop touching me” and it’s unusual for you then you should end the date. You don’t like him. Otherwise maybe say something about moving slow and being friends first.
ALL the Anon
Within the first five minutes of meeting a first date- OKC date, nonetheless- this summer, he had hugged me and grabbed my hand. I wanted to vomit. I’m naturally very reserved; the running joke in my family is “No hugs for All the Anon!” and I absolutely should have asserted my boundaries better. Instead, I felt like I had to let him touch me because that’s what happens on date, right? I went back to his apartment- mistake, I was trying to give him a “chance” and he said we would just watch TV…- and he ended up pinning me down, taking off my shirt and bra, making out with me, and choking me. I said no before it went farther. The thought of going on dates still repulses me. I finally have feelings for another guy (who knows what happened) and even then I tense up thinking about touching him.
What I’m trying to say is: If you’re not comfortable touching him, trust your own boundaries and instincts. Get comfortable. Do what YOU want. Ignore the ridiculous commenters who are saying its expected. It’s not. You don’t owe it to him. Trust yourself.
Nati
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Bad Friend
My friend’s bday is this week and she wants the group to get together for brunch on Sunday. Money is super tight for me so I very rarely eat out. She picked, I kid you not, my least favorite restaurant in the entire metropolis. Ugh. I really don’t want to eat there, especially not when money’s tight. I know I should support her and go, but…ugh.
Anonymous
Don’t be the cheap person who doesn’t celebrate birthdays. It’s brunch, just get pancakes, you can’t really go wrong.
KT
I don’t think that’s fair. When you’re broke, you’re broke. Going into debt to celebrate with friends is just silly.
If she’s a good friend, can you just tell her while you want to celebrate, money is tight and you won’t be able to make it?
Bad Friend
They don’t have pancakes. Or anything else normal. They have salmon with pickled onions. Lamb hash. Steak and spinach. It’s another of those exposed brick, Edison lightbulb, artisan water glasses places and I just want to shout “Enough!” to that whole trend. Can I just get good food that hasn’t been hipstered to death?
I know I’m grouchy. I’ll go, I’ll go.
Anonymous
Order sides or order off the menu. Does the kitchen have eggs and bread (this is brunch, it should)? Then they can make you scrambled eggs with toast. If anyone complains, just say you’re hungover.
S
Except it doesn’t sound like you don’t want to go because money is tight but because you don’t like the restaurant. So that’s not really the same. If you can afford it, suck it up because it’s her birthday and it’s not about the restaurants you like.
BrunchLover
Can you go and get coffee? I think you’ll have to chip in for the birthday girls meal but that should help alot. Alternately, make plans to celebrate with her later that week. Treat her to a cupcake or something.
Nati
I think your friend probably just wants to celebrate with you and the rest of her gang! She and the others hopefully won’t scrutinize what you choose to eat. Just pick something light and inexpensive and use the “I had to be up really early this morning to work/meet someone/run errands and already had a big breakfast!” line. Enjoy!
Nati
The great news about brunch is 1. there are usually relatively inexpensive options on the menu, even if it’s a higher-end or overpriced place (think fruit and yogurt parfait, etc.) and 2. if you stick with something basic, brunch is really pretty hard to mess up, even if it’s at your least favourite restaurant.
Brunch is almost always less expensive than going for dinner, but with the added bonus that there’s not going to be temptation to go to another venue and spend even more (like for drinks).
EE
While I agree brunch is almost always cheaper than dinner and that there are often especially inexpensive options, I would NOT assume ordering a yogurt will keep the event inexpensive. My friends would likely expect to split the bill N-1 ways to cover the birthday person. Other people will likely get coffee and brunch cocktails. Be sure to be extremely upfront that you can only cover your own meal if that’s your plan going in.
Anon in NYC
Agreed. This is a know your friends thing, but my group of friends typically splits the bill evenly, for a blended per person amount.
Nati
Ah, yes definitely. My friends typically pay for only what they’ve ordered. This might be a reflection of the fact that we all live very frugally and most are recent graduates!
Anonymous
I think people usually suggest dividing evenly when everyone is paying with credit cards because it’s just easier than handing the server a list of amounts to run on each card. But if OP brings cash in small bills so that she can easily just put down an amount to cover her + share of bday friend + tip, I think she should be fine. It also helps if she grabs the ticket first, looks at her amount and puts money in before handing the check off to the next person, so the rest of them can take the cue to split the remainder among themselves. They should see that their meals were much more, if that’s the case, and be fine with it.
Maddie Ross
If this is a real issue that would keep you from otherwise going, duck out a bit early, leaving enough cash to cover your portion + tip + a portion the bday friend, or get the check for just yours early and pay it and slip $10 to the girl next to you to kick in for the bday friend before you go.
BrunchLover
If the OP gets coffee I think she can just announce – “I’m putting in $10 for my share of Jane’s treat and my coffee, since I didn’t get an entree.”
For the record, I’m not a fan of restaurant birthdays and think most people aren’t – too many bitter memories of getting screwed by the guy who orders 3 mimosas and suggests an even split on the bill.
layered bob
you “should go to support her”… having a birthday? I do not understand adults who insist on celebrating their *own* birthdays in a way that require *other* people to spend money. Birthdays after, oh, 13 do not matter and certainly don’t require going to a brunch you can’t afford and don’t like.
Daisy
SO MUCH THIS. My god I have such issues with this. I have two couples in my nuclear group of 10 (5 couples) that are birthday-obsessed.
BeenThatGuy
I have friends like this too and it’s super irritating.
I’m about to turn 40 and I’m throwing myself a birthday party (25 people) at a restaurant. I’m perfectly okay footing the bill especially not to hear people b**** about the cost.
Anonymous
You must be fun at parties.
layered bob
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anonymous
you win!
I take the day off work to celebrate my birthday. Why would anyone other than my family care to acknowledge that I’m a year older? Once I start feeling gluttonous, I invite friends over to help me eat my cake, but that’s the extent of it.
Anonymous
Some of us have friends that love us- some of us have friends that love us like family too. This year a lot of my friends are hitting the 30 mark and I just feel over the moon grateful to have them in my life. This thread kind of solidifies what my problem has been lately with the readership- I feel like it is a lot of cold people that comment here.
Anonymous
This is so true it made me laugh. I have two friends over 30 that celebrate their “birthday WEEK.” *snort*
anon
Here, let me explain. American society places significance on birthdays, including those that occur after age 13. Some people enjoy spending their birthdays with people they care about and who care about them. Not everyone has a husband or family to spend it with. So, they invite their girlfriends to hang out. That’s why.
Doesn’t mean that anyone’s obligated to come to brunch, doesn’t mean that it’s cool to make everyone spend 100$ on brunch, doesn’t mean that you get to require that your guests go to your destination milestone birthday or whatever. But don’t sit there and try to pretend that people who invite you to come out for their birthdays are self obsessed monsters. No one blasts the bride or mom-to-be who throws a shower (or luncheon or bachelore#e weekend or linger party or whatever) where guests are absolutely obligated to spend money and give her presents. So why the fuss about a brunch out that they’d probably have done irrespective of the birthday?
Anonymous
We do, though. It’s inappropriate to throw your own shower. Someone else has to do it for you, otherwise it’s a gift grab. Bachelorette parties are somewhat an exception, but they’re also usually more fun than a shower.
Jax
I agree with you. But I’m a married, overworked, chronically exhausted mom who has zero girlfriends to meet for brunch–probably because I didn’t make a big effort to hang out at events like these. I’m okay with that.
S
So I like celebrating my birthday and tend to do it by inviting my closest friends to dinner. Part of the reason is because as a single and childless woman, it can be hard to get my friends together. But people will come out for your birthday. If I didn’t do this, I would probably never see all my friends in the same room. Or barely see my married with kids friends.
Anonymous
+1. My married friends only want to do DINNER PARTIES!!!!OMG!!!!!! as social events. At these dinner parties, they spend the entire time asking me about my dating life and why I don’t have a +1 and seriously can I just settle for that guy I went out with two weeks ago who told me (on a first meeting) all about his extreme dietary preferences and the bodily functions it causes if he deviates from the only 3 restaurants in the metro area that he deems acceptable. For the love of all things, I just want to go OUT on my birthday and not have to smile and nod while someone talks about the cr@ppy dish they got off of Pinterest. And it’s not like they’re spending any money on me–they make very sure to inform the server that my check is solo after requesting the free birthday dessert on my behalf and eating most of it.
Loco
Your friends suck :(
JJ
This. This. This. If your friend is over 16 years old, you can skip her birthday party.
Spirograph
For me, this would come down to whether I would enjoy group brunch with all of friend’s friends. As an introvert, the answer is no. Thus, it is not worth spending money on at all, and I would politely decline. If you would enjoy the brunch, do the small amount of cash for coffee + friend’s share thing.
In general, I’m a big proponent of being upfront about your budget. There is no shame – literally none – in being financially responsible. Tell you friend with a smile on your face, “I’m sorry to miss it, but that just doesn’t fit into my budget right now” and suggest a different free activity you can do together on another day. The more people do this, the more normal it will be and the less we’ll have to wring our hands over it when it’s our turn.
Meg Murry
Yes, I think this is important too. Is this like brunch a la Sex and the City with you and your 3 best friends? And you can afford the food without having to eat rice and beans for the rest of the week? Or is this a milestone birthday for someone you’d feel sad if they missed your birthday? Suck it up and go. Is it a big group of people where you’d get to talk to your friend for 5 minutes tops and spend the rest of the meal making small talk with people you don’t really know well or like? Decline due to previous plans and suggest the two of you have coffee and dessert some night this week to celebrate, just the 2 of you.
Idea
THIS!! “Sorry I can’t make it there on Sunday, let’s get together Tuesday night for Happy Hour at this great (discount) restaurant I know!” Or come over on X night to watch Y show and I’ll make you dinner/order takein whatever.
Anonymous
I’m getting so sick “I’m an introvert” being an excuse for not being a good friend. It is a birthday brunch. She is not asking you to go to vegas or to spend 20 hours together or do an all night rage. If it is really out of your budget than you can’t go but it sounds like you just don’t like the restaurant – sometimes we compromise when it is someone else’s plans. Go for two hours and go home and recharge the rest of the day.
Anonymous
Wait, what? I have to spend money I don’t have to do things I don’t like in order to be a good friend? For a birthday? For a wedding or other milestone event, sure. A milestone birthday, OK, maybe. But just because someone’s turning 24? No. My friends know I’m an introvert and like me anyway. I have nothing to prove to them at this point. As people often point out w/r/t weddings: it’s an invitation, not a summons.
Wendy
There is a Wolford store here in Vancouver and I have bought both plain and patterned tights there and, though they are pricey, I find they wear very well and look and feel great. For nude hose, I wear Hanes and L’eggs (which requires a trip down to WA state).
Amelia Bedelia
First world problem ahead!
I am in DC and moving across town. I am FAR too busy to pack myself and am interested in hiring a packing/moving company for the move. I have a 1800 sq.ft. home that needs to be packed and moved. any recommendations on companies of good repute???
thanks!
KT
Mayflower did my long-distance move, from packing to moving. Within the same area they should be even better. It’s pricey, but well worth it to me!
BB
Not in DC, but when I moved within Boston, I just picked the top rated company on Yelp and was not disappointed. They had something like 4.5 stars with hundreds of reviews.
Becca
Bookstore movers! They are absolutely fantastic! Cannot recommend enough.
Anonymous
+1. Love them!
Amelia Bedelia
Thanks all!
Keladry of Mindelan
Does anyone have tips with how to toot your own horn/ambitions at work? I had a meeting with my manager today where I was told that I was doing very well (been working less than a year, first real job), and he asked me about my long term ambitions. I am ambitious, but I really struggle with feeling that it’s “not nice” to be ambitious, so I don’t manage to say anything very ambitious when I’m asked.
It’s made more complicated by the fact that there isn’t a clear goal in my industry (it’s not like law where you’re aiming for partner or something).
Coach Laura
Some people find expressing uncomfortable sentiments easier in an email or after reflective thought. So in the future if you get questions that make you worry about being “nice” say “That’s a great question! Let me get back to you by X with my ideas.”
Since the meeting was just today, I think you can send your manager an email and say “I wanted to follow up on some of the questions that you raised in our meeting, so I’ll respond to you tomorrow/Wednesday.”
Then start outlining – what are your long-term ambitions? Write them out in a time-line or a narrative or a Step 1, Step 2 format whatever works best for you. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is a common interview question but when you’re new in a field, that may be too broad. Where do you want to be in six months, a year, in your development?
Do you need more training or classes? Another degree? Do you need exposure to X, Y and Z areas? Do you need a mentor? Do you need to get further experience in another department or team? What industry publications should you read or industry events to attend.
Then send your manager your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Ask for a follow-up meeting to review.
Keladry of Mindelan
Thanks! That’s really helpful.
Gail the Goldfish
No tips, I just wanted to chime in to say I like your user name :-) (Many, many years ago, I randomly picked up one of Tamora Pierce’s books and so began my obsession with fantasy novels).
ace
I just rediscovered this author after loving her as a teenager and only reading the Alanna series. It has been awesome!
Lyra Silvertongue
Hello from another long-time fan!
AMB
Thanks to everyone for the great New Orleans advice! My bf and I had a great weekend. Ate at Commander’s Palace and Atchafalaya for our two dinners and they were both great. I also enjoyed ogling the houses in the Garden District and shopping along Magazine – also got some great deals at the Loft at the Riverwalk Outlets. I am very sad today that I just can’t drink a pina colada as I walk along the street here at home…
AMB
Urgh, just realized how many times I said ‘great’ in the above – can you tell I’m a bit tired today?
SFedits
Travel pillow favorites? Have had some failures – who has had a great experience and what did you use?
Anon
I got an inflatable neck pillow at ikea that is surprisingly comfortable (there is a soft fabric cover over the inflatable part), and it folds up into a tiny drawstring that takes up hardly any space in my bag.
SFedits
Thank you! Might be appropriate too – flying to Sweden this week.
Anonymous
I like the travelrest pillow, the one that goes across your body. I use the cord to attach it to my body. It’s as comfortable as you can be if you are in a coach window seat.
MovingQ
Just got the trtl and am SO EXCITED to use it!
Hollis
Help! I need to buy modest swimsuits for two ladies in their late 60s that I don’t know that well (DH’s mom and aunt). They do not own swimsuits. They are both small/petite. I need them by Sunday. Any suggestions? Oh, and they do not live in my city – I’m buying them to take to a vacation where they might want to take a dip in the hot tub.
Meg Murry
Why is it your job to provide them with swimsuits? Did they ask? Or is it part of a gift?
How modest? Like religion requiring the whole body be covered like a swim burka? Or like a basic one piece?
What about Lands End? You can get swim shorts or skirts, and a basic tankini top in a couple of sizes, and anything that you don’t take the tags off can be returned for free at any Sears. Or even a “dresskini” or rashguard if you think they’d like to be more fully covered.
Or for cheaper options,
Hollis
DH’s parents and aunt are all immigrants (as are my parents) who have seriously never taken a real vacation before since they need to open their stores every day. Other trips have involved everything (graduation, weddings, etc.) but not swimming/relaxing. This year they agreed to shut their stores for 1 week to celebrate one of their milestone birthdays.
No swim burkas. I think basic one piece suits would work, but preferably something with a skirt or some additional coverage. Will Land’s End get delivered in time?
Gail the Goldfish
They also sell Land’s End swimsuits at some Sears, so that’s an option if you need it fast and worry about it arriving in time if you order online.
Maddie Ross
Second the idea of Lands End. But I might add that if they don’t have swimsuits at all, they may not care about taking a dip in the hot tub, even on vacation. I’d probably confirm (and then confirm again) before I bought them suits.
Hollis
Agreed. There’s a fair chance that they won’t want to go in the spa, but I want to give them the option.
Coach Laura
Costco. Every year for the past 7-8 they have had both a miraclesuit-brand one piece and a speedo brand one piece at my local store, so I think it might be nation-wide. (The speedo is not one you’d use for racing but middle-aged ladies sunning by the pool type.) Both in a wide variety of sizes. That way you could eye-ball the suit and pick the appropriate size(s). But no skirted suits, LandsEnd is better for that.
With LandsEnd you may have to pay for quick shipping so it might be best to call and talk to them directly instead of ordering online.
Hollis
Thanks for your responses everyone!
Anonymous
I think Athleta has swim dresses and petites. Otherwise, department stores will probably have the best end if you don’t live near a Land’s End.
Modest anon
LLBean has swim shorts that cover the entire bikini line & tops of the thighs. This meets the needs of modest people who don’t want to feel like they’re walking around in public in their underpants. (I wear ’em because my sensitive skin makes shaving impossible.) They sell matching tops (scoopnecks, but modest) or you can pair with a basic tank suit from LLBean (I don’t know about the necklines on these) or Lands’ End (modest, but low in the back). If people really don’t want to show much skin you could add on one of the UV-ray-blocking swim shirts from either company.
Anon Techie
I have a choice on whether to “lean in” on my work life or not, and I’m asking for advice, y’all.
Life situation: Two kids, kindergardener and toddler and I’ve always been a bit of a crunchy, babywearing, pumping/nursing parent spending a Ton of time with them. (e.g. I’m still sleep deprived as the younger one still won’t STTN, we cosleep and I don’t want to CIO.) I’ve also taken a couple of steps down career-wise over many years, and DH is in a very demanding job with growth potential but earning equal to or slightly less than me now.
Current job – pro: fantastic commute (<10 mins) and good work life balance. I worked here through being pregnant, so have been able to go home and nurse the baby at lunchtime which I don't need to any longer (not nursing). Work has not been super challenging, more operational which means I can get my day's work done and leave at 5:30, occasional early morning meetings/calls (across time zones) but I almost never take work home. I'm also able to pick up the slack in terms of home stuff since DH is so busy and works long days.
Con: The office might move soon (i.e. 6 months to a year) so I might end up with a 25ish minute commute if not longer. Also growth potential is low, I've explicitly asked for the opportunity to take on more but a boss I loved (who hired me) left and the new EVP had a lukewarm response to this request, he's brought in some of his own senior leadership.
New offer: Role seems great, exciting, I'd have the opportunity to hire a team. I'd get paid about 9-10% more. Good career opportunities.
Cons: 30-40 minute commute each way and I Hate driving and get stressed out by it (busy highway). I have the option to do train + shuttle from train station. I have no insight into work-life balance but a potential weekly deliverable. I'd never be able to go home for lunch and see the baby again! No good food options for lunch close by. The company is going through a difficult period but IMO is not in danger of closing down (though value of stock may fall so I need to factor into the stock compensation).
What would you ask/think about as you make this decision?
– Can I ask if I can WFH one day a week, or maybe one day every other week? Not sure if this will be entertained or if I would look bad for asking.
Thanks so much!
WestCoast Lawyer
I’m normally very pro-lean-In but in this case I don’t think I would take the new job. You haven’t mentioned option #3 – don’t take the new job but start looking for something that will stretch your skills closer to home.
Any new job is likely to be more demanding in the short term, but you mention that it is really important for you to be accessible for your kids and that you hate driving. Having done a longer commute than I would like for many years I can confirm that it is, indeed stressful.
That said, if you really are more excited about the new opportunity than is coming across in your post, you can absolutely ask about WFH. The worst they can say is no, and that will give you a good idea of how flexible they will be when other things come up. I would probably phrase it as you would like to WFH one day a week after the first month or two to give you time to ramp up, meet everyone, etc. since that can be more difficult to do remotely.
Anonymous
I think you should stop co-sleeping. It’s a toddler. Start teaching the kid to sleep through the night which you can do without cry-it-out, and reassess when you aren’t sleep deprived. And also get used to driving- 30-40 minutes isn’t a bad commute and your anxiety is limiting your options.
But also don’t take this job. You’re fine where you are, so stay there and look for something that is a great fit.
Anon Techie
Thanks for the comments so far.
I guess I don’t sound very excited about the new role, and I am about the role itself, it will be great for my career – my anxiety is mostly about driving and long(er) hours.
It’s also hard to turn down the additional money. Maybe I should think in terms of hiring more help with the money i.e. nanny to stay later, or get a mother’s helper on top of nanny to help with the dinner routine.
Anon, I hear you about the cosleeping but it sorta works for us right now (except for the last couple of days which prompted my sleepless comment), I started it because I got more sleep that way than going to get her whenever she cries. And teaching her to STTN is a whole other post.
But I guess my point is, it works with my current role, and it’ll probably also work with the new one, but maybe not with the driving!
SA
I’m the mom of a 13 year old and an 8 year old. I recently moved companies to be closer to home because there is still the middle of the day/right after school stuff that needs attending to. I think I would do whatever it takes to stay close to home.
J
I have a 5 year old and 2.5 year old that I still end up co-sleeping with from midnight, when she wakes up and toddles into our room, until morning. I don’t feel bad about it at all. I work all day, so that’s our special quality time together.
Maybe searching for a better fitting job would be a good idea. In a year or 2, both kids will be even more independent, which should take the pressure off a little.
ER
I think you know that this really comes down to your own personal priorities. Here is how I would think about it:
–I would really prefer the ability to come home earlier (5:30 as opposed to 6 for example) over the ability to come home for lunch, especially as your kids near school age.
–a long commute would drive me crazy
–I would expect that as your kids get older, it will be more difficult to plug holes with a mothers helper or nanny especially as they get homework assignments
On the other hand, it is really important to have a job that keeps you engaged.
Finally i would look hard at both companies’ financial security. I think Silicon Valley is overdue for a correction and I would place a high value on a job situation that could weather a downturn (although your dual income family mitigates that somewhat).
I agree with everything west coast lawyer wrote. Another idea: can you negotiate a schedule at the new job that would allow you to get in early and leave early (3:30 or 4) two or three days a week? Would help you with traffic too, assuming you do actually leave at 3:30 or 4.
Anon
I am in a similar situation; no new job on the horizon, but any that were would likely involve a longer driving commute (currently have a short walk), and less work-life balance for the money, but I currently have no upward mobility. For now, for me and the kids, staying put is the right move – it definitely sounds like you might value the time with them more than the potential career advances.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t move jobs. I have a job similar to your current one and the trade off is worth it. Great work life balance.