Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Wool Blend Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Camel blazers are not usually my thing, but something about this wool blend blazer from Ann Taylor looks like that magical mix of luxe, polished, and comfyness. The fact that the entire store is 50% off today doesn’t hurt — the blazer (available in petite, tall and regular sizes 00-18) was $159, but comes down to $80. Wool Blend Blazer

Looking for a similar camel blazer in plus sizes? Check this one out at Talbots, where you can also take 25% off sitewide.

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  1. Can anyone help guide me through the process of finding a reputable inpatient treatment facility in Florida? A family member has agreed to seek medically supervised treatment for a sleeping pill addiction but does not want to go to the facility in our hometown. I don’t even know where to start. Hoping to have him check in Friday.

  2. Hot Office :

    Silly question. I’m always cold. I have my own office, and I’m in an old building where the heat options are “on/off” and “close window/open window.” I tend to let it get pretty warm in here (a temperature that I’m comfortable with) and I like it that way. But every time someone comes in here, they comment on how “hot” it is in here. I’m scared it is driving people away and preventing spontaneous drop ins. What do you guys think? Am I overthinking this?

    • No, I think that’s a real thing, but I also think I deserve to be comfortable in my working environment (my office is just like you describe; I run my space heater year-round).

      Can you do the drop-in’s instead?

    • Do you want spontaneous drop-ins??? I hate them TBH.

    • I’m also always cold. I used to feel badly when people said they were hot in my office, but I deserve to be comfortable since I am the one working in here. But is it really so hot someone can’t stand it for 20 minutes? People’s cold offices don’t keep me away.

      • +1. They’re just noting the temperature difference. If anything it will keep them from staying too long, but i doubt it’s keeping anyone from stopping by.

      • I think hot is different from cold because people want to avoid getting sweaty at work.

        Still though, who cares.

    • I think you should be comfortable in your space. If someone comments on the temp, I think they are most likely just noting it, but you could always reply “I know, I like it toasty–I’d be happy to continue this discussion in your office/conference room/etc. if that would be more comfortable.” But I would keep it light. It is not A Thing.

  3. I don’t love this version (something about the pockets and piping) but I’ve been obsessed with the BB camel hair blazer for years. BB jackets usually don’t fit me quite right and this one would be a def. splurge, but I am hoping to one day “grow” into it somehow. It always seems like such a lux look to me and in my dream life I wear it with everything – jeans for running errands (looking casually chic), cold work days, cute slouchy sweater dress days, etc.

    • In House in Houston :

      Yeah, I agree with you on the pockets and piping. But I’m still thinking about buying it because it’s 50% off. I told myself that I wouldn’t buy any clothes unless I absolutely loved them. So now I’m torn….maybe I’ll love it when I try it on??

      • You’re not going to love it just because it’s 50% off. Skip it and wait for something better.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I have the suspicion I would like these pockets a lot in practice, but I hate the look of them, so I won’t even attempt it. I would probably grow to love them, but….

    • I hear you both on the look, and with the poor for with BB.

      Max Mara stuff does fit me well… So I’m lusting after that, although the price point is tough.

      • I have a Max Mara camel blazer from a couple of years ago and it is easily one of the most-worn and best-fitting items in my closet. Tough to swallow the price, but so versatile it’s been worth it for me.

  4. That's not my name :

    This is weird, ladies. Do I break up with a guy who doesn’t call me by my name?

    I’ve been dating an otherwise good guy, “Craig”. Craig is white, I’m Indian. Craig grew up in a rural town with no people of color. I’m the first woman of color he’s ever dated. I never thought we would have anything in common but we get along really really well. Except this one thing.

    On our third date, Craig remarked that “I was very beautiful, just like Jasmine.” It took me a second to figure out he was talking about the character from the Aladdin cartoon. I jokingly pointed out that he had his geography wrong because Jasmine is actually Middle Eastern. We changed the subject and I forgot about it.

    Every couple of weeks, Craig would call me Jasmine. As in, you look great in that dress, Jasmine! Where do you want to go for dinner, Jasmine? After a couple of times of this, I told him that I really wanted him to call me by my actual name, which I personally love and think is beautiful. My actual name is clearly very Indian and somewhat hard to pronounce, but people figure it out eventually. Craig said that he thought Jasmine was a term of endearment, like honey or sweetie. I thought that my made my point clear.

    Last week, I attended a pretty formal work event at Craig’s workplace. Craig’s boss was talking with a number of people in a circle. Craig went up to his boss and said loudly, “Boss, please meet my lovely Indian girlfriend, Jasmine.” !!!!!

    I was floored. Before I could interject that wasn’t my name, boss replied, “Great to meet you, Jasmine!” and then proceeded to tell a funny story to the whole group. I felt that there was no opportunity for me to interrupt him and say, “Actually, that’s not my name” and that it would have been super awkward to do so.

    The rest of the evening several people who heard me introduced as Jasmine came up to me and called me Jasmine. I told many of them that wasn’t my name and Craig had been joking. They gave me a very puzzled look.

    I am absolutely livid with Craig and haven’t spoken to him much since last week. Please reassure me that this is incredibly weird.

    • Applejacks :

      I can confirm that Craig is a weirdo and there’s nothing wrong with your instincts.

    • horrified anon :

      It’s super weird, smacks of exoticism, and should IMO be a dealbreaker.

      You have the right to be called what you want to be called (especially when it’s your actual name!!)

    • To that’s not my name :

      That is insanely, insanely racist and disrespectful. This is absolutely a terminable offense /DTMFA moment.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Yup. That’s gross and offensive and you ASKED HIM TO STOP AND HE DIDN’T. DTMFA like, yesterday. GTFO of here with that exoticism, racist, “but where are you ACTUALLY” from nonsense.

    • givemyregards :

      What?!? That is incredibly weird and, in my opinion, really passive aggressive and strangely controlling. I think it’s insulting that he called you Jasmine to begin with, but could be talked into giving him the benefit of the doubt that he cluelessly thought it was endearing. But you have very clearly told him you don’t want to be called Jasmine, so continuing to do is really strange (and a little creepy?) and would be a dealbreaker for me. You might want to have one last talk with him – maybe he’s really embarrassed about trying and failing to pronounce your actual name?? – but honestly I’d cut this one loose.

    • Incredibly weird.

    • Da Fuq? Bye boy, bye.

    • Yes- break up. I give him a pass on the first time he said it- but only if when you talked to him about he apologized and never called you jasmine again. Introducing yourself to the boss as jasmine (and as Indian) is so far over the line id be wondering if he has a head injury

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Ba ha ha. That last line was so unexpectedly hilarious.

      • Right? I was like ‘so you tell him not to call you that and he stops calling you annoying nickname in private or you dump him” and then he went crazy and starting telling people it’s your actual name?

        No. So much no. He is crazy and passive aggressive and you deserve much much better.

      • Yeah, and you might spend a little time thinking about why this went as far as it did; it’s so over the line (a work event?????). How are you with boundaries generally?

        • Don’t blame her at all.

          A guy was calling her an annoying nickname in private a few times. How on earth is she supposed to know he’s going to be totally crazy at a work event?

    • Yes. Break up with him now. Text him “I don’t ant to date you any more Aladdin because you don’t respect me.”

      • on behalf of white people, apologies for this monster male... :

        omg no please call him ben affleck,

        in honor of one of my fave movies: Role Models :)

        “suck it, reindeer games”
        “I’m not Ben Affleck”
        “You white? Then you Ben Affleck”

      • LOL!!!! OP, I would love for you to do this.

    • Let Jasmine break up with him.

    • That is so weird. Boy bye.

    • That’s super weird and would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. The name thing aside, introducing you as “Indian” is inappropriate.

      • OMG yes! I missed that on the first read. Even if he used your real name, introducing based on your race is so weird! Like, “please meet my Japanese girlfriend, Lisa”? — he is so cray cray I can’t even.

    • Dump the racist.

    • You deserve more than to be this guy’s fetish or token girlfriend of color. Drop him.

    • I would call him John Smith and I would break up with him.

    • What the what????

      This is insane. BYE guy.

    • Before you break up with him, consideration calls for an honest, quiet conversation to discuss.
      Introducing you to his boss by the incorrect name is disrepectful.
      Understanding why he did so, will be good for you both to move forward (perhpas along separate paths?).

      • No. They already discussed it. She already told him not to.

      • Honest quiet conversation? He called her a name, she said, “I don’t like that name, please use my real name.” He dismissed her request, devalued her as a person, and kept on calling her something she clearly indicated that she did not like. And then to top it off–publicly humiliated her with the offensive name. There is nothing left to discuss–he clearly does not value her as a person let alone as a partner–that’s an organic fatal flaw that can’t be “talked out.” This is one of the reddest red flags out there…recognize it.

      • Consideration calls for using a person’s name and not ignoring requests to do so. She isn’t the one that owes consideration, he is.

      • Senior Attorney :


        Sheesh I am so tired of the whole “Oh, let’s all bend over backwards to UNDERSTAND the poor racist white guys!” No, let’s not. How about the racist white guys start bending over backwards to not be horrible?

        Also what Anonymous at 11:06 said.

      • “Before you break up with him, consideration calls for an honest, quiet conversation to discuss.”

        No it doesn’t. She’s allowed to break up with someone without explaining her reasoning, much less giving him an open forum to “discuss.” This advice verges on tone policing… I am just OVER women and POC being told to sit down, be quiet, talk about everything nicely with everyone all the time, if you’re not “nice” you’ll drive away potential allies…

        I understand that relationships can call for a degree of sensitivity that general discussions of race/privilege/whatever do not, but this does not sound like a particular serious relationship and she has already told him how she feels.

        • Well for what it’s worth, I’m Indian with a white husband and I think the idea to talk is a constructive and sensitive one. Frankly you’re a little out of line to call out PP suggestion like this- it was perfectly reasonable- and ascribe all kinds of nonsense to it.

      • No. It’s not her responsibility to educate him on this. (Also it is mind boggling that anyone would need education on the fact that you should call someone by her name/what she asks you to call her, but they’re out there I guess.)

    • He’s not calling you Jasmine (and introducing you that way!!!) because of your hard-to-pronounce name. It’s because he’s tickled that you look like an exotic Disney princess. Worse, he wants his world to view you as his arm candy and not even call you by your real name.

      Boy. Bye.

    • I also grew up in a rural town with no people of color and that is no kind of excuse for this type of behavior. It’s bizarre and unacceptable. Jasmine???? wtf.

      • Yep — rural =/= rude and clueless

      • I grew up in a rural town and have Indian friends with hard to pronounce names. I call them by their names. My family still living in a rural town also calls them by their actual names. If my Dad can figure it out, so can this dude. No pass given.

        • I think about this speech from Uzo Aduba all the time. If white people can figure out how to say Tchaikovski or Michelangelo, then they can learn to say Uzoamaka. It’s a sign of respect – he should learn to say your name.

          • Anonymous :

            I hadn’t seen this before and I love it so much! Will definitely be making this reference again!

    • What the actual f*ck?! I would run so fast in the opposite direction. I don’t get what’s going on here, but I do get that it’s cray.

      In case it’s relevant, I’m also Indian and married a white guy from a rural town with no minorities. Turns out we’re a great match. And he has never done weird things like this. This is 1000% not normal. Find someone who isn’t a crazy person and who respects you.

    • Linda from HR :

      Oh heck no! I’d be mad if a guy refused to call me by my name and instead called me a nickname I’d already vetoed, and ignored my requests to please call me my name and not the nickname I don’t even like because reasons, if that name was tied to my heritage and he called me a nickname that was racially insensitive, I’d be even more ticked off.

      If you ask someone to stop calling you something, a nickname or term of endearment or whatever, and they refuse, it doesn’t matter why they’re refusing, that person is being a disrespectful jerkwad.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        And introduced her as the nickname! Would he ever, in a thousand years, introduce “Hi, this is my girlfriend, Sweetheart?” No. He’s being racist.

    • Ummm what? This goes beyond a nickname (and I can’t say I think it would be appropriate as that, given that you told him when he brought Jasmine up that she’s Middle Eastern). He’s introducing you by the wrong name. Dump him and good riddance.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      This makes me so mad for you. I agree with the others that the first time could be accepted as a misstep if his response was, “OK got it. No offense intended but we will stick to [real name] from now on!” But introducing you with the wrong name, when you’ve explicitly talked about it (not to mention the bizarre inclusion of “Indian”) is beyond the pale.

      What you have here is someone you are dating ignoring an explicit request you made about something central to your identity. I don’t think you should stick around to see what boundary he crosses next.

      (I’m sorry that someone you like has shown himself to behave this way. That sucks.)

    • When I think we have somewhat evolved as human beings I read a story like this and reassess my opinion. Good lord.

    • DTMFA!

    • biglawanon :

      If I were you, Craig would be lucky he didn’t get more than broken up with.

    • Professional Gifter :

      I am you – as in, I am Indian and have a white husband who grew up in a rural town. Just thought I would mention that since it is kind of a coincidence. That being said, I must join the chorus here – you have to dump this guy immediately.

    • I’m half Indian and three dates in my then-boyfriend now-DH, a white man from a rural area, went to an Indian restaurant with me and ate lamb vindaloo. +1000 DTMFA. You can do so much better!

    • cake batter :

      Oh my lord dump him. You deserve so much better. I also have a foreign, hard to pronounce name, and I’d be absolutely livid if this happened to me.

    • Anyone who is even thinking about defending this guy, please read Hillbilly Elegy. JD Vance, a white guy who grew up poor a rural town, manages to describe courting and falling in love with his wife Usha without ever exoticizing her. He describes her brilliance and other positive qualities before her beauty. And yes, he uses her real f-in name! DTMFA, OP!

    • I would call him explain he is a racist and has made you really uncomfortable by A. calling you by the wrong name B. introducing you to others as your race NOPE NOPE NOPE

  5. AttiredAttorney :

    I bought a similar blazer but in a warm sweater fabric from J Crew Factory recently. It’s on sale for under $50.

    • Yay Kat! I am home billing today b/c the manageing partner did not want us traveling today, as long as we worked from home. So in the hour I saved NOT walking to work, I billed 10 hours to 3 cleint’s!

      As for the OP, I prefer Ann Taylor to J Crew. I think the factory blazers are OK, but Ann Taylor’s stuff is made in the far east, where there is some quality tailoring. I am also goeing to LI later today, so I will have to get outside, but by then hopefully it will NOT be raining! I cant wait to start eating Thanksgiving TURKEY! YAY!!!!!

    • Their cotton sweater blazer is great if you can find the right size! The sizing was really inconsistent across colors, so I recommend buying several online to try on and then return what doesn’t fit, if there’s no J Crew Factory near you.

  6. So I started a new job earlier this year and now annual evaluation time is approaching. I successfully negotiated for a higher starting salary, but I’m worried that’s going to be a sticking point related to my performance. I feel that I’m doing a good enough job, but I’ve made some mistakes that I might not be expected of someone with my previous experience, which might cause my managers to think they didn’t get the quality of work they expected for the increase that I negotiated. I know part of this is probably imposter syndrome, but I still feel like some of the bumps I had in my first few months were easily avoidable and will reflect poorly on me. Is there a way I can head this off before it bites me or should I just ignore it?

    (Also, super thank you to the ‘rettes on this board who gave me encouragement and advice when I was job hunting and trying to figure out how to cope with the toxic environment at my previous job!)

    • Absolutely ignore it. Do not raise reasons for the company to remember things they probably forgot. Focus on what you’ve accomplished, raise that only. There is nothing to head off.

    • I can’t help but wonder, would a man be worried about this? I feel ya, because I’d probably be thinking the same thing, but I really doubt men think along these lines.

    • Did you acknowledge the mistakes, fix them, and tell your boss how you were going to prevent them moving forward? Has anyone mentioned them to you?

      I would not go into my review falling all over myself to them how I am not worth the salary they are paying me. That’s crazy pants. You have to advocate for yourself!!

      If there is an opportunity to talk about areas for improvement, you can say when ABC happened, I did PDQ to fix it, and then did or will do XYZ to prevent it from happening again. You say the same thing if you are asked about specific examples. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you handle it that matters.

      • I will add that in the discussion of areas for improvement, you can also be very general if they do not specifically point out incidents. I am sure you are making a bigger deal out of this in your head than it actually is.

      • Oh I definitely don’t plan to mention my salary! I’m thinking more along the lines of how I could be prepared for respond if they bring it up in the review. If they said “You know, for $xK more in salary, we would have thought XYZ…” I’d be floored unless I had previously thought of how to respond.

        As to addressing mistakes, I did do so, but there’s a lot of squishiness to it because I took over a role from another person who had worked for my manager for 3+ years (above average tenure for this position) and a lot of our work is cyclical, so as new things come up related to the winter and spring activities, I’m still learning how our department prepares for them. I feel like a common theme in the mistakes was “Sorry I didn’t know that was your preference – is there anything else I should know about XYZ so that this doesn’t happen again?”

        • I have never heard of a manager saying for $XX amount we expected DEF performance, in a review, although I guess there are $hitty managers out there who would say such at thing.

          I mean, you didn’t hold a gun to their head, they agreed to your salary too!

          The preference thing is a normal learning curve, not a true mistake IMO. That stuff takes at least a year, especially if things are seasonal.

          Honestly, I really doubt it is anywhere near as much of a big deal as you are making of it.

          • Baconpancakes :

            My manager said that. We’re gvt, so in order for her to negotiate my salary up, she had to give me a Senior X title instead of an X title, although the roles and responsibilities would have been exactly the same. In a review, she said “For Senior X position, I expected you would be able to step into this without guidance from me” (for a position completely unrelated to any previous jobs with a lot of really backwards, unnecessary procedures).

            Jo March, I feel you exactly.

          • But Baconpancakes, a “Senior X” job is actually a different job than a “X” job. If they were the same job they wouldn’t have different titles. I don’t think that’s the same case as OP’s.

          • Anonymous :

            Anon @ 11:33 here – I think for a title discussion it’s appropriate to relay expectations. I do not think it’s appropriate in a review meeting to say to someone, “For the $10k extra dollars we gave you when you negotiated your salary, we would have expected you to know that James wants the purple file folders used when it’s time to file things related to the Spring Event.” That is very different, IMO, than saying, “In the Event Manager II role, we expect someone to blah blah blah.”

        • It would be really weird for them to say something about your salary in that context.

    • Dealing with some mistakes is part of the deal when you hire human beings, even really well qualified ones. Your employer is a sophisticated party. You both made a bargain based on the small amount of information you could each glean during the hiring process. Sometimes the employer does better in the deal and sometimes the employee does, so if you think you did better because you got a higher salary than you’re “worth” (which I doubt is the case) then well done and good for you!

    • New Tampanian :

      WWAMWMD (What would a mediocre white man do)?

    • Thanks, everyone! This is really helpful. We’re a pretty small shop, and I know that I’m being paid a little above what others my at level in different departments make because I negotiated (and from what HR implied, the others didn’t). I’m glad to that I approach this like any other eval and come in ready to talk about what I accomplished well and my development goals for the upcoming year.

  7. MNF - Instant Pot? :

    I’m looking at the Instant Pot Duo Mini, which is down to $50 today. I’ve read the old threads I could find about Instant Pot, but does anyone have advice specifically about the Mini? It’s just me and my partner and I think it would be used mostly for cooking rice quickly on weeknights. TIA

    • You can get a rice cooker for like $20 if that’s all you want it for.

    • If you intend to use it for pressure cooking, remember that you’re not supposed to have it more than two thirds full on the pressure setting. Personally I use it a lot for making things like chicken stock and apple sauce, so the mini would be annoyingly small. We use our 6 quart size for cooking just for the two of us and we’re happy with it.

    • Puddlejumper :

      Rice is what the instant pot does the worst out of all its functions. I use the instant pot for 2 people and I like having a big one because if I am going through the effort to cook a huge piece of meat I might as well get some amazing leftovers to freeze.

      • Anon in NYC :

        I agree. We gave away our rice cooker after getting the Instant Pot and I kind of want it back!

  8. kids book ideas :

    Any book ideas for a 5-6 year old boy? I’m thinking chapter book that parent reads – kid can read but is really getting into the idea of longer stories and reading one book over days to weeks. Loved James and the Giant Peach. Harry Potter is probably too scary for now. Funny/silly better with some mild adventure.

    • Magic Tree House series?

      • LOVED those growing up and so did the boys in my class!

        • Also Diary of a Wimpy Kid was really popular among kids the past few years, but I can’t recall what age group it’s most appropriate for.

      • +1 to Magic Tree House. I read many of those along with my now college-aged son. They were fun and also taught us some history.

        Another suggestion of something that is entertaining and educational is the Percy Jackson books. Those are a bit more advanced.

      • Horse Crazy :

        I loooooooved the Magic Tree House books!

    • Captain Underpants is the big hit with the kindergarten set here. You can get one or multiple. The Kid asks for them over and over. And over.

    • My Father’s Dragon was a big hit with my 5-year-old in this vein.

    • Lemony Snicket, if he’s the kind of kid who would like them.

    • How to Eat Fried Worms. Beverly Cleary’s Ramona books.

    • Winnie the Pooh, Ralph S. Mouse

    • My son (he’s 9 now) loved Magic Tree House, 39 Clues, Boxcar Children, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda. But his absolute favorite is Diary of A Wimpy Kid.

    • Super Fudge by Judy Bloom. It’s a little dated, but still funny.

      Junie B. Jones. She’s a “bad” girl and again, funny.

    • The Phantom Tollbooth!

    • Baconpancakes :

      Directly related TJ – are these appropriate for a bright 14-year-old girl with college-level reading skills? I want to get her a subscription, but I am not sure whether these would be interesting/appropriate for a 14-year-old. I read wildly inappropriate books at a fairly young age, so I am a terrible judge. I sent her mom the link and she said she thought it was a great idea, but I’m not sure she looked through the books.

      • First of all, I’d trust her mom. Second, yes, I was definitely reading those kinds of books at age 14.

      • I mean, I also read adult books at a young enough age that they would try to shoo me back to the kid’s section of the library, but I absolutely think those are appropriate for a 14-year-old. I think some of the nuances would go over her head, but that’s not really a problem. What a nice idea!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Fantastic, just wanted a gut check!

        • Nudibranch :

          I’ve always been a bookworm. At that age (or any age), I’d have LOVED a gift certificate or Amazon card so I could pick out my own reads.

          Personally, I usually detest the reading material gifted to me. I don’t think I’ve read an enjoyable gifted book yet. Unless it was a title I’d specifically asked for.

          Their are tons of wonderful, as well as horribly awful books out there. Let the 14 year old pick out what SHE wants, not what you or her mom thinks she NEEDS to read!

      • I’m subscribed to the Uppercase subscription box which sends exclusively young adult books every month, signed by the author. There’s also a goodreads community (i’m not involved in it but it’s available) and if you get the more expensive box, it comes with goodies like last month was a beanie and nail decals, this month was mint tea, chapstick etc. I’m a huge fan of the books (last month’s was definitely OK for 14 year old) and the extra goodies are fun but you don’t have to buy the expensive box (they have a book-only option).

    • The earlier Little House books are great to read aloud to that age regardless of gender.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Stuart Little, Charlotte’s Web

    • Tech Comm Geek :

      The Dragonbreath series is great.

  9. Can I just say that I grew up in NJ and nothing was too . . . anything for me, style-wise. No such thing as too tight, too glittery, too nekkid, etc.

    Then I stumbled across this today:

    I am in love. I want All of the Things. Not what I need (biz casual office that tends towards denim casual b/w now and January). Not my budget. But I so like, especially for the party clothes that I don’t need to get overly spanxed or rid of my cellulite to wear.

    • Cornellian. :

      Interesting. I’m Quaker and don’t do much different than the average woman in terms of dresssing, but this is a great resource.

    • Cornellian. :

      ETA: I mean the workwear edit, although I love the idea of showing up to work in all sequins, ha.

      • Cornellian. :

        My first comment disappeared. I said as a Quaker I don’t dress noticeably differently than the mainstream, but it’s a good resource to have.

        • Baconpancakes :

          I’m really curious now, but I don’t see a workwear edit on the site. Could you relink it?

          • Cornellian. :

            It looks like the site is for modest fashionable wear.

          • Cornellian. :


          • Baconpancakes :

            Sweet, thanks, when I went to the link originally posted I couldn’t find the workwear edit!

        • Well, I saw someone as I was leaving work in a party shorts-romper thingie that probably wouldn’t have covered some of the underwear I have. And I see tweens in church (!) wearing as dresses things that I would have thought was a tunic shirt (like I’m not sure how they can get in/out of cars without flashing people (or maybe that is the point?)).

          So you probably dress like me (and I dress like me more b/c I have a cold office than my desire to be an Olsen Twin circa 2001). And while we don’t dress like sister wives, we don’t dress like everyone else.

    • Those are definitely clothes for people for whom nothing is “too much”! Or maybe women who have nothing to do and all day to get it done? Seriously what I thought when looking through the offerings was, these are clothes for ladies of leisure who go from breakfast by the pool to drinks on the yacht to partying at the club, and that’s what they do for a living.

      Actually, though, there’s a dress in there I really like, and also if anyone wants to get me that Roland Mouret waterfall coat, I’ll send you my address!

      • Sort of, but I want to think that this is where Equity Partners shop. Not me who is Team 40% off at Banana.

        But I hate that formal = more skin, esp. when you are going to fancy events where people you know professionally will be there and stores just seem to think that fancy = tight or too-short or too cold-shoulder. This is good fancy without the clubwear nonsense.

        I went to a conference in Palm Springs where I ran into some female managing directors in finance who looked awesome. I didn’t want to ask where they shopped, but I was just entranced by the nicer things that I had no idea about.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      THE SEQUINED JUMPSUIT! gosh that’s exactly what I need for my imaginary life and imaginary height.

    • Note to tall ladies — many of the models seem to fit in these clothes (that I want for me and I’m 5-4). The models are usually described as 180 cm, which is like 5-10?

      save yo pennies!

    • OP, I actually love all of those clothes too! This type of style was also common where I grew up, and I was always drawn to shiny, over-the-top styles. These clothes are not in my budget, wouldn’t work with my body type, and wouldn’t fit in at all where I live. But they’re awesome.

    • I love this! These remind me of clothes my grandma used to wear (she was a very stylish grandma and a little over the top all the time.) She definitely had too much money and too much time on her hands and I think was bored with her suburban housewife/mother role so she would host all kind of fancy events for her friends and they would get drunk in the middle of the day while the kids were at school. Even after her kids grew up and she had grandkids, she was still always over the top fancy like this.

    • Anon in NYC :

      omg, I want all the things too!

  10. I’m pregnant with my first baby (also first grandchild on all sides) and due in a couple months and I’m not having a baby shower. Most of my close friends are scattered around the country and have young kids so they wouldn’t travel for a shower (nor would I expect them to) and I’m relatively new to my current area and don’t have a solid friend group here. There are a few women I socialize with periodically but most of them are more acquaintances than friends and they don’t know each other so it’s not really a group. I’m sure work will do something, but it will be low key, probably just cake one afternoon, like we do for birthdays. This hadn’t really been bothering me, but my mom is here visiting this week and was horrified to find out I’m not having a shower and won’t shut up about how sad it is and how baby and I deserve to be celebrated and it’s such a special time blah blah. At first I tried to deflect her comments with “It’s fine, a shower isn’t important to me” but when she didn’t shut up about it, I finally told her point blank “Mom, I’m not having a shower because I don’t have friends who want to throw me one, ok?” and she STILL won’t stop talking about how much I need to have a shower and how sad it’s making her that she won’t get to go one and be proud grandma-to-be. She’s not proposing to throw me a shower – there aren’t really a lot of people in my hometown it would be appropriate to invite and I’m not sure I feel comfortable traveling this late in pregnancy anyway – so all of her comments aren’t accomplishing anything except making me feel bad. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for…advice about tuning out my mom, I guess? Commiseration from people who didn’t have showers, not by choice?

    • I wasn’t big into having showers (for wedding or for baby). I didn’t need the stuff. What I did love was one last hurrah with my actual friends before the giant time suck of the baby (less so with getting married — my main issue is that it just gets harder to visit as everyone moves on with their lives or moves away).

      So maybe if you don’t want a shower, you want a fun thing to do with grownups that is about you and not about getting stuff?

      And maybe put her into a food coma (or task her with something). And do what you want to do.

    • I would accept a shower from her in your hometown. Insist that she keep it small – family (aunts/cousins) and close friends and it will actually be lovely. She’s excited and wants to celebrate – let her.

      I didn’t understand why this was important to my mom or why she wanted to invite some of her close friends (who had known me since I was a baby). Now that I have kids, I get it. I would jump at the chance to attend a baby shower for my BFF’s daughter and I would be genuinely happy to pick out a gift and celebrate the occasion. Becoming a parent is one of life’s most joyous and transformative experiences. There’s so much bad out in the world today, celebrate the good.

      *yes, i know a kid is not necessary to live a full and fulfilling life.

      • Yes — I love all showers now in a way that is a 180 from what I felt in my 20s. It’s like what my mom feels when she sees kids she taught in school as grownups. I just go a little melty (and I am not a melty person).

        • Agree with anonymous about loving all showers now. At the risk of being morbid, so many people in my life have died or experienced illness this year that it makes me treasure showers and weddings as celebrations of hope and new life.

      • I would let her throw me a shower in my hometown if she really wanted to, but she hasn’t suggested it. We have no local family and an extended family that’s not close and wouldn’t fly in for such a casual event (they came for my wedding but that’s pretty different), and my mom’s social circle is largely through her job and mostly male. She has a handful of close female friends, but unless she finds a date when literally everyone is available there would be like 3 or 4 people there. She wants my friends to throw me a shower that *she* can fly in for, but that’s not happening.

        • Ugh – so I’m the worst. I totally misread it as she proposed to throw you one and you didn’t want it. And it says basically the opposite. I clearly need more coffee.

          She needs to stop the shower talk. Try telling her again that it’s hurting your feelings and she needs to stop.

          • Anon in NYC :

            Yeah, seriously. Nothing like your mom making you feel friendless. I’m sorry, OP! Be direct with your mom and tell her to knock it off. Tell her that if she wants to host something, she’s welcome to do so, but you can’t and won’t ask your distant friends to organize one.

          • one day you’ll be able to drive your child crazy too :-) . I’m close with my mom and would have no issue being direct. Say that you are new in town and still getting settled and haven’t met enough people for a shower. If you want to throw her a bone you could say you hope to have a big first birthday party for the kids. I’m sorry she is making you feel badly. From a fellow newbie, it’s hard being new in town!

        • lawsuited :

          1. Not having a shower is a great idea. Mine was largely awkward small talk with extended family and family friends who I don’t know well, and gifts of a lot of gendered clothing and stuffed animals I didn’t want or need.

          2. If your mom brings it up again, say “I can’t throw a shower for myself, so what do you propose I do about it exactly?”

      • There is no way I’d fly anywhere at 7m pregnant. The last thing you want is to deliver early and be stuck in a NICU far from home.

    • I didn’t have a bridal shower because none of my wedding party folks were local, I was new in the town where we were living and didn’t have local friends, and also I didn’t care.

      I did have a gigantic, expensive, elaborate baby shower, at my mother’s and aunts’ insistence, and found it an uncomfortable experience. I don’t like being the center of attention, and also it was a good reminder why I don’t mix friends with family at my social events, or mix different generations of friends together. I was relieved when it was over, and wished my friends and family had spent their money on something else (not necessarily for me, just something else in general).

      Maybe your mom could hold an “introduce the baby” tea for your family members after the baby is born, which would allow them to give presents and also meet the baby? One of the best baby showers I ever went to was for an adoption, and because of the delicacy of the arrangement (the mom was worried the birth mom would change her mind at the last minute) the shower wasn’t held until the baby came home and the adoption was finalized. It was great to give presents for a baby you could actually see right in front of you!

      If that’s not going to work, you’re going to have to just let the shower comments go in one in ear and out the other. You don’t need to have a baby shower to live a fulfilled life. And let me just tell you, you should be conserving your energy and stress for the time after the baby is born. Everyone says that – they said it to me, and I blew it off – but it really is the truth.

    • I didn’t have a shower, unless you count my “surprise” work one. I just said that I was superstitious and didn’t want one. No one argued with me because I think I didn’t leave give them any room for an argument.

    • I’m not pregnant yet, but I am hoping to be soon. I was just thinking that one of the things I’m dreading about pregnancy is the baby shower. I would totally opt out if I had the option (and my mother would probably be very unhappy about it). Right there with ya, friend! It’s ok to not have a shower and your mom needs to let it go.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m not seeing what about the shower is so bad.

        If you don’t want gifts, just have it be a girl’s party / brunch thing. Or do presents to donate.

        Do you also hate going to parties or gatherings or brunch? I am not seeing what about a shower is a unique dread-able thing.

    • I didn’t have a shower. I shut down the conversation by inviting anyone who asked to come visit after the baby arrived. Most interested people actually took me up on that invite and it was really lovely getting a lot of one on one time with everyone.

    • I’m in the same boat! My close friends are far-flung, as are my relatives. While I likely COULD have put something small together it’s just not in the cards, given how few good friends I have locally. Also, my husband happens to be super superstitious and is vehemently opposed to having a ton of baby stuff in the house before the baby’s born, so its easier to just tell anyone who asks that we’ll be having a sip n see after she’s here.

    • Nelly Yuki :

      My mom’s friends threw her a grandma shower when my sister was pregnant because my sister was not local. She thought it was awesome. It seems like this is about her being a grandma more than you being a mom (sorry), so maybe she could suggest that to her friends or invite them all out to brunch or something?

      Otherwise, agree with the sip-and-see next time you are home with the baby.

    • I feel you, and am in a fairly similar position (although my mom has not been nearly as annoying). I live on the East Coast and my family and oldest friends are on the West Coast, and what with the holiday schedule there was also no way I was going to fly home for a home baby shower. Not that anyone offered. And there’s no one to throw me one here — I mean, we have friends but they are “couple friends” as opposed to my girlfriends, who have all moved away to various other cities and have kids of their own and no inclination to travel. I also don’t particularly want a shower (didn’t have a bridal shower either), but do feel a bit sad about the lack of that particular type of friend who is local.

      Anyway, the compromise that has been decided on is that there will be some kind of family and friends gathering at home when I bring the baby back to meet the West Coast crew. And my MIL has threatened a similar thing with her extended friend circle in the spring, which will almost certainly result in 10 engraved silver baby items from Tiffany and nothing remotely practical whatsoever.

      I’m sure your mom has been to other showers and would love her moment in the sun as a grandmother, but I think here it probably helps to just lay it out for her: Yes, mom, baby showers are nice. No one has offered to throw me one, and no one is going to. It makes me sad and the fact that you keep bringing it up hurts my feelings. Please stop. She probably just doesn’t even realize the impact of her words.

    • biglawanon :

      I didn’t have baby showers or a wedding shower. I simply didn’t want them. I don’t like being the center of attention, hate forced gathering, and didn’t want other people buying me a bunch of stuff I don’t need. It sounds like your mom is making this about her, not about you. Don’t give in. Do what you want. It is your life and you baby.

      • Anonymous :

        I don’t know what “forced gathering” is as an invitation is not a summons. But I realized once I left college that if I didn’t schedule things (or issue invitations or make plans), I’d probably never see my friends again and would only naturally encounter one or two neighbors with my schedule (and then not when I might want to see them).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Re: managing your mother, what if you asked her to come to town for a few nights and spend some time with you while you’re pregnant – over a long weekend maybe? You could pick a few baby-on-the-way type tasks you could do together, like setting up the nursery, washing clothes/linens to be ready for baby, shopping (my mom was SO EXCITED to take me maternity clothes shopping, but shopping for baby stuff could work too), and then have a nice lunch out somewhere, etc.? It would lack the audience of a babyshower, but it would give her a chance to be excited for you and also AT you. I was far from home while I was pregnant, and the thing my mom really wanted, I think, was to just spend some time momming me while I was pregnant.

    • Senior Attorney :

      “Mom, I would like to have a shower, too, but unfortunately it’s not in the cards for me. And when you talk about it, it makes me feel bad. So please stop. There’s nothing I can do about it and you are bumming me out at a time when I should be feeling happy and excited!”

      Repeat as necessary.

  11. Canadians! Help me find athleisure wear for my mother in law. She just had knee replacement surgery and is doing ongoing physio, so we’re hoping to encourage that. I’m looking for pants (straight leg) and a zip-up top, size 12-14, and ideally returnable in store in Calgary. I’m opposed to Lulu because the size range ends at 12, and i’d hate to spend that much for her not to be able to find something that makes her feel good. Any recommended options, or should I just search The Bay?

    • I don’t have recommendations for Canada, but just a tip: her PT is most likely going to want her pants to be rolled up well-past her knee, so just keep that in mind when purchasing pants.

      • That’s part of the reason i’m struggling! Leggings are cute but challenging to roll up.

        • Anonymous :

          Same Anonymous — your best bet may be sweatpants that do not have a narrow/elastic ankle. Try Athleta, or really any department store or superstore type place. Another suggestion is to go old school and get the pants that completely button up on the sides. I needed them just in case for a surgery and I was able to track them down on a dance website — they were called “hip hop” dance pants — I wish I were joking.

    • GapBody has some good options but The Bay would be good as well.

    • Does Athleta ship to Canada?

      Their reviews are often written by women who are older (50+) and not tiny and it changed my mind (47, jiggly) about shipping there. I love them now.

    • TorontoNewbie :

      How a about Roots? Their XL fits my sister who’s generally around a 14 pretty well.

      • TorontoNewbie :

        Or Nike – their online shop ships to Canada.

      • TorontoNewbie :

        HBC does have some good options.–24/plus-om-straight-yoga-capri-pants-0600089385780–24

    • A “lulu” 12 fits well in to the 14-16 range I find as well, especially in their looser yoga pants, so that might work if that was the easiest option.

    • Uniqlo has “entended sizes”, also Joe Fresh is a good option as they are everywhere.

    • lawsuited :

      I got my MIL the Groove pants from Lululemon after her knee-replacement surgery, and she looooooooved them. She is a size 16 in all other clothing but the 12 fit her comfortably.

    • The Joe Fresh pj/ leisure line?
      I bought some last year, wide leg jersey pants, tie waist. Also came with long shirt and long tunic-ish open cardigan. Doesn’t look like pjs, was black, grey or dark teal. I bought some to look tidy over holidays with visitors in the house but could be worn outside of the house

    • TO Lawyer :

      I doubt you’re still checking back but Hyba (same company as Reitmans) has activewear in all sizes (goes up to 3X), is pretty sturdy and they have amazing sales all the time. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what you’re looking for but they have tons of options.

  12. Paging Rainbow Hair :

    Hey! I read yesterday’s threads late. Just wanted to say that your experience being left out of things sounds like death by a thousand paper cuts, and it seems perfectly reasonable to me that it’s undermining your confidence and causing your feelings to spiral lower. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. From what I’ve seen of you on this board, you are thoughtful and precise (in addition to very kind), and I’m sure you’re a very good lawyer, but it still stinks to have people not act in a way that recognizes that. Anyway, you’re been there with compassion for me several times, and I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

    ~ Curious

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Aw, thank you!

      Unsurprisingly, a night of venting/journaling/sleeping has put me in a better mood (though gosh I had a terrible, realistic nightmare about losing my job) and I’m pumped to come back to work on Monday and keep kicking *ss (while also evaluating how realistic staying here indefinitely truly is).

  13. I'm all alone... :

    there’s no one here besides me…

    But someone mysteriously came and went and left behind a fresh pot of coffee. Big thanksgiving thanks to them.

  14. My husband said something about filling a wardrobe gap with a tan/brown blazer or sports coat that he could wear with dark pants to work. He works an academic year, so this is mostly for cold weather, which doesn’t seem to fit the image of khaki that I have. Any suggestions so I can make this happen for Christmas? Or is it just a bad idea that I should let go in the Northeast winter?

    • Why are you thinking khkai?

    • Jcrew usually has something along these lines. Look for tweed or corduroy, if looking for a more casual look.

    • Never too many shoes... :

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I thought I posted already but what about something like this (note – BR is 50% off) –

    • Anon in NYC :

      I think he probably wants a wool or tweed blazer. Check out Nordstrom for ideas – they have a lot of men’s brown/beige sports coats.

    • Try Jos. A. Bank for an assortment of tweeds/checks/houndstooths/glens that will fit the bill (and will be on massive sale on Friday). The Hubs has one from there that has a taupe base with chocolate brown, charcoal and olive in the patterning that goes with almost anything.

  15. relaxed fit jeans followup :

    To the person looking for relaxed fit jeans – LL Bean has them

  16. Anyone want to do vicarious Christmas shopping for my husband? He wants a hat that covers his ears, but I don’t think he wants something that makes him look like a lumberjack or like he’s from the Andes, which are what I’m finding.


      • +1 – Just get a watchcap/knit cap that’s long enough to pull over his ears. It doesn’t have to have earflaps to cover the ears.

    • Flats Only :

      Deerstalker? He would look like Sherlock Holmes.

      • Senior Attorney :

        My husband has a deerstalker. It looks amazing on him…

        • Another anonymous judge :

          I should have guessed! However, I am happy to have this confirmed. I shall add it to my mental picture of you and your life (which is fabulous by the way).

        • Another anonymous judge :

          I should have guessed! However, I am happy to have this confirmed. I shall add it to my mental picture of you and your life (which is fabulous by the way).

    • Are you sure he doesn’t want to look like a lumberjack? (Seriously, this may be what he had in mind).

      What about a loose beanie he can pull down over his ears?

  17. Looking for a fun right-hand/statement ring for my mother as a Christmas gift. She likes gemstones and fun metal work (she had a braided bracelet years ago she lost and mourned forever) — looking to spend under $200.

    Any ideas? I’ve been trolling Etsy but it’s a deep pond!

  18. Baconpancakes :

    Darn, I missed the 25% off at LL Bean the other week and now the Wicked Good slippers aren’t included in the 20% Thanksgiving sale. Did I miss my chance or will they have another sale that applies to the slippers before the New Year?

    • We got a catalog in the mail for 25% off one order for a one-time use code. It’s my roommate’s or I’d offer it to you — it didn’t appear to have any exclusions. Maybe ask around if you have any friends/family who may have gotten that? (it was on the back cover)

  19. Paging Rainbow Hair :

    I left a longer comment that’s in mod, but I just read yesterday’s thread and wanted to let you know I hear you. Death by 1000 paper cuts is a thing, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling down if work keeps dealing out paper cuts the size of skinned knees.


  20. Northern Nell :

    Has anyone tried the BetaBrand yoga dress pants? They’re on sale for Black Friday and are allegedly comfy and fancy at the same time. Wouldn’t wear them to court but was thinking for around the office when you might have an unexpected drop-in.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Yes, I have last year’s marsala bootcut (in 2x). I like them a lot, don’t feel super conscious in them, but I am not concerned about cellulite showing, and wear no-show underwear. They are definitely not trousers – I prefer them with looser, longer tops to make them a little less revealing. In black I think they would be even more acceptable. I did have to get the waistband taken in and the bottoms hemmed.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Same. I never tuck shirts in, anyway, so the waist/top of the pants doesn’t matter. With a top that goes to at least halfway down my butt, they’re totally acceptable on me. That being said, my workplace is not particularly fancy.

    • To me, they looked too much like yoga pants. Too tight and too casual for the office, at least for me. I’m a lawyer in a business casual office. I returned them.

      • +1

        I really wanted to like these, but to me they looked exactly like yoga pants. I think it’s the waistband and how tight they are around the hips.

      • They look like regular pants on me, but I don’t have a curvy bottom half so I’m sure that is it a big factor.

    • I have a curvy butt and they fit me like yoga pants — not at all appropriate in my office that’s on the formal end of business casual. I have a colleague with a straighter figure though who I didn’t even realize wore them. They look like normal pants on her.

      • Northern Nell :

        Hmm, maybe finally have a flat ass will pay off. I’ll give them a try, can always return them/re-gift them.

  21. Chicago commuter boots for slush, not snow :

    Any recommendations for boots for commuting/walking in Chicago when it’s slushy but not actually snowing? I have heavy-duty Sorels for snowstorms, but once the snow has settled I feel a little silly wearing them with all their crazy treads and fur.

    Feels like I need something in between the Joan of Arctic and a regular ankle boot—maybe something more of a pull-on or slip-on style but is more sleek and streamlined than a classic snow boot.

    I’m considering the Sorel Out And About, which seems to be made for this purpose, but I could use more ideas.
    I do not really like the look of duck boots. I’m in my mid-30s and I wear a lot of neutrals, jewel tones, and black and I prefer clean lines and a sleek look, if that helps. I walk several miles a day, so I want something comfortable and sturdy!


    • Joan of Arctic Wedges, or really, any of the Sorel fashion line (Lolla, Farah). They are leather, water/weatherproof and look more like shoes than snow boots.

      • I LOVE the Farah. Hadn’t seen those before. Thanks for the rec!

        • Anon 12:27 :

          I bought the Farahs :) the tassles hang pretty low in the back, but you can shift them up by fussing/reknotting the other end of the tie on the sides of the shoes.

    • Bogs are excellent for long walks. If you get a darker colored one you wont notice how bulky they are. Bonus: they are totally waterproof and the neoprene wont hinder your movement.

    • In Pittsburgh with similar weather – I just picked up a pair of grey Blondo boots in the Nordstrom fall sale. So far I really like them! Not sure how they’ll look after a few rounds in the slush (we haven’t had much snow yet), but they are supposedly waterproof.

      • Note that they are not insulated at all like a Sorel. I have been wearing them with SmartWool socks. They are just like regular booties/shoes inside.

      • Boston Commuter :

        I’ve been looking at the black ones of these for a few months and they’re 40% off now, I may or may not have just bought them based on your recommendation. Do you keep them on in the office or just wear them for commuting?

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve been wearing my Hunter boots for years with the fleece boot socks + smartwools. No complaints, not exactly the warmest but keeps me DRY.

  22. Sloan Sabbith :

    A friend of mine and his wife finalized the adoption of their toddler son today. I’d like to get them a celebratory gift- the little guy is 1. Can be for all, or just a ‘Congrats, little dude, on your adoption day’ type gift. They live across the country, so it has to be on Amazon. Any ideas? Budget is under $30.

    • Anonymous :

      What about like a fruit bouquet or cookie bouquet? Like a riff on the traditional flowers for a new baby but the kid is eating solid food so he can enjoy the treat too.

    • New Tampanian :

      Do they celebrate Christmas? If so, maybe a nice ornament that is something like “our first christmas” or something?

      • New Tampanian :

        • New Tampanian :

          I really like this one:

      • New Tampanian :

    • Anonymous :

      There are some really sweet books on Adoption Day on Amazon that would be cute. I have also seen cute ornaments in Etsy if they do put up a tree.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      How exciting! Is this their first? If it is, they might not have the classic kids books. Some of my favorites right now are “If Animals Kissed Goodnight” and “Baby Come Away” and “Remember the Night Rainbow” (out of print but available on Amazon). Kids that age are often trying to start walking (or perfecting walking, or running all around, it’s a whole range!) and there are a lot of cool push toys (lawnmowers, strollers, vacuums) that can be very motivating.

  23. This one looks pretty cool! I like the slim-fit fit and the fresh color that makes its wearer look less boring and more ladylike.
    Like it!
    Daisy from

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