This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
![](https://corporette.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Wool-Blend-Sheath-Dress.jpg)
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: A feed could not be found at `https://corporette.com/tag/posts/feed`; the status code is `403` and content-type is `text/html; charset=utf-8`
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Pants for Suits
What’s the trend (or appropriate look) for suit pants in the courtroom right now – ANKLE or FLARE? I’ve got a multi-week trial coming up and need to get a few more pant suits. It’s too cold outside for skirts and too hot and stuffy in the courtroom for nylons. Everyone is selling ankle or flare and I can’t figure out what would be appropriately conservative (polished and not fashionable) in pant suits right now. Ankle seems a little too exposed for winter time, flare just looks 70s, and I can’t find anyone selling straight full-length, except….
Has anyone tried the JCREW PARKER SUIT? Looks like it’s getting a lot of complaints for cut and fit from people in the smaller sizes. Jcrew has been my usual go-to, but it looks like they dramatically cut back in quality and now even their fit is getting wonky.
RR
I tried the JCrew Parker suit. The jacket was lovely, but the pants fit really weird on me (at the larger end of the size spectrum). I didn’t find the quality to be poor for the price though.
Anonymous
Banana Republic may be helpful. In particular, I have the Logan Trousers, and they are great for the winter. They’re more of a bootcut, so not a big flare, but definitely not a skinny or ankle. I think they’re perfect for more conservative settings, although ankle pants are definitely more appropriate now than they once were. On the ankle front, the Sloan and Ryan fits are possibilities. I prefer the Sloan, but the Ryan sounds like it could be more appropriate for your situation. I have both Logan and Ryan fits for the same suit. You could do that. Bonus, my Logans (which are admittedly 4-5 years old are fully lined).
Equestrian Attorney
I like a full-length narrow leg and agree they are hard to find. I have the BR Logan in wool+lining in several colors and like the cut, but this season they seem to me making mostly ponte styles, which aren’t really court appropriate. If you can’t find anything you like, I think ankle reads more modern/on trend, but flare is also fine as long as it’s a slight flare, not full-on bell bottoms.
Anonymous
I’m regularly in a courtroom and wear conservative, basic suits almost every day. Have you looked at Ann Taylor? I bought several suits from them this winter and they are full length and not flare (although they do have those too). Some of them feel like a wool blend and a nicer fabric, and one feels like straight up polyester (which I don’t love), but they’re conservative and courtroom appropriate. I personally like J Crew suits a lot, but I had a hard time finding ones this season that felt appropriate for my needs. And the one I did love was ankle length and I just didn’t think it was formal enough. FWIW, I think ankle is more appropriate than flare.
Irish Midori
Second to Ann Taylor. I just got a seasonless stretch wool pantsuit from there I could live in. YMMV based on the court and region you’re in, but I have a hard time not being a little judgy about ankle pants in formal court settings. I have to try too hard already to look old enough to do this job; I don’t need new-fangled fashions distracting the jury on top of it. A slight flare offends me less, for some reason.
I’m with you on preferring pants for a trial. On top of being practical for weather, I spend less mental effort worrying about how I sit and what’s showing, and I can wear flats.
anon
Yeah, Ann Taylor seasonless suiting jackets and pants work really well for me.
Anon
No recommendation on a specific suit, but I recommend staying away from flares as too trendy and ankle as out of season, unless the “ankle” actually goes to/just past your ankle (some women call “ankle” pants a length that goes to the edge of a crew sock which is too close to peddle pushers for comfort).
Otherwise, go for a class slim straight leg – no fuss, no muss, nearly universally flattering, and won’t go out of style.
Anon
I agree with you about preferring pantsuits for trial. My pantsuits tend to be skinny pants that are sort of ankle length. I there are several definitions right now of what “ankle” means. It can hit at the top of your ankle or above it, which I think is cute but not trial-appropriate or what you want in a winter pantsuit. Anything that hits mid-ankle is still normally considered an ankle pant depending on the style. So, you may find yourself trying on several ankle pants that all fit differently. I would start with Ann Taylor. I also have a cheap Anne Klein suit that I bought for a trial in summer. Talbots also has some really nice suiting, but you will probably have to get it tailored.
JHC
I look to Brooks Brothers for these.
Anon
It is so hard. Following with interest. I’m tall and ankle pants look terrible on me. I’m allergic to wool so either need the pants to be perfectly lined or some other material. I’m also not rich, despite being a lawyer and need to find Macy’s/Outlet priced suits and can’t do full freight Brooks Brothers. The struggle is real.
Anonymous
Ann Taylor, Talbots, and Lafayette 148 all have straight leg suiting pants available currently.
Outfit help
I’m going to a bachelorette party in Arizona this weekend and I just realized I have nothing to wear. I have a toddler and a 5 month old and just have not been doing these types of things for a while. Dinner out and bars both nights but not doing any clubs or anything. Any recommendations for cute outfits that I can get with minimal effort by Thursday?
suggestions
-night 1 – open toe booties with skinny jeans or leggings, and a cute tank blouse. probably can find a lot of these things at Nordstrom Rack or mall stores.
-night 2- dress with same booties
-daytime – leggings with loose tee, sandals
anon
Well, I don’t know what your current wardrobe consists of, but if this were me, I would do skinny jeans, booties, and fun tops. Add some sort of jacket or other 3rd piece like a scarf. Maybe both if it’s cold. Black jeans look a little dressier than blue if you want to have a nicer looking option. If it isn’t too cold, you could do a black dress, booties, and jean jacket.
Anonymous
I don’t understand the “adjust your withholding” advice. If your marital status, number of dependents, etc. have not changed, what are people changing on their W4 to adjust their withholding?
Anonymous
Number of exemptions. If that’s already 0, you can withhold an additional dollar amount per paycheck.
RR
You can change the number of dependents you claim–so 0 even if it would be 1, 2, 3, etc. You can also withhold an extra dollar amount per paycheck. Pre-kids and pre-partnership (the land of K-1s and quarterly estimated taxes), I generally withheld an extra $100 a paycheck to avoid a big tax bill.
Anon
The new tax code elimanted the personal exemptions, so everybody now has 0.
RR
I did not realize that. I’m clearly behind (I’ve been on a K-1 for about 7 years, so I have no tax withheld).
mascot
Right now, I have a couple of exemptions, but I am also withholding an extra $100/paycheck and being taxed at the higher single rate (we are married filing joint) My spouse has zero exemptions and is taxed at married rate. We will owe a little bit to the feds this year, but not as much as I though we would when I adjusted my withholdings back in the spring. I love any suggestions for calculators to figure out where the sweet spot is- maybe the IRS one works better now?
Anon
I also withhold extra (about $800/mo). I calculate what I need by taking what I owe or they owe me- divide by 12 months, then adjust accordingly.
w4w4
Line 6 – which allows for additional withholding. I adjust it every year to make sure that we’re at least covering last years’ taxes and avoid a surprise tax bill. Haven’t done 2018 taxes yet but with our situation straight withholding was always a little too low.
Anonymous
OP here – Thanks everyone for clueing me in to the additional withholding line. I never paid attention to it before.
Anonymous
Designer suggestions? Kate Spade went 70s with the new designer. Who else has dress maker details?
Anonymous
Designer suggestions? Kate Spade went 70s with the new designer. Who else has the old Kate Spade vibe?
Anon
Oh, I love this. I even weirdly love it styled with sneakers.
Anonymous
I want to know who all of the Akris shoppers are who already have this. It’s 3K! That is like my clothes and shoes and coats budget for a couple of years.
Good for you though. I’ve always aspired to be an Akris shopper even though their stuff is oddly wackadoodle / sort of reminds me of the old SNL “Sprockets” bits but for women’s clothes.
Anonymous
This one is even more bonkers: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/akris-zip-waist-double-face-wool-blend-dress/5021430?origin=coordinating-5021430-0-1-PDP_2_BSC-recbot-best_seller_brand_category_v2&recs_placement=PDP_2_BSC&recs_strategy=best_seller_brand_category_v2&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5019847
“Tailored from a double-face Italian-wool blend, this flattering sheath has a zippered waistband that can be undone to flash a teasing glimpse of midriff.”
Irish Midori
WTH!???
Senior Attorney
Except apart from the zippered waistband (which of course I would never unzip) that is the best dress ever. Love.
Senior Attorney
Except apart from the zippered waistband and the price…
Anonymous
AND IT IS ALMOST SOLD OUT.
Here I am, eagerly waiting to see if I see this IRL. If any of you do, pls comment re flashes of midriff among the $3k/dress set.
Rainbow Hair
OMG I loved it and seeing the midriff thing makes me love it even more.
Mrs. Jones
Me too!
Ellen
Kat, I would never wear black sneakers with a sheathe dress. As it is, I am short, but black sneaker’s make me look especially short, and DUMPY! Fooey on that!
Anon
Me three.
Anon
I don’t get the styling with sneakers at all! Is she running to catch her train? Did she roll her ankle running this weekend?
What do you like about the styling with sneakers, really? Would you wear it like this in real life?
I do like the dress. I think retailers are struggling with how to present dressy styles in today’s casual world.
Senior Attorney
I like the sneakers. They look fresh and unexpected and strangely polished (shiny leather, perfectly clean). And yeah, like she can move around and take care of business.
Anon
I’d wear it in real life, but I imagine I’m a little bit younger and hipper than most of the people here.
Lana Del Raygun
I think it looks put-together and sporty.
Technotlaw
I’m 47, am I too old to wear that dress (or one like it) with sneakers? i work in tech, not law if that matters. I think it looks cool, but I don’t know if I am too old to pull it off
Secondarily, after 2 kids and a lot of hiking and running in my earlier days, my feet would be very happy to wear sneakers instead of heels!
Ellen
I so agree. Dumpy is NOT the way for us to go, especially if we don’t have any kids. At least you have had your kids and hopefully kept your hubby! YAY for you if you did! I wish I were in your sneakers! HA HA!
Senior Attorney
I am 60 and I would totally wear this dress (give or take the midriff zipper, as discussed above) with sneakers as shown.
JCrew Anya shoes
Thanks to whomever suggested the other week. I got and I love!
My feet are triangular — B width but narrow heels that slide out of everything without a strap or heel grippies. The stretchy backs of these have been great for holding the shoe on. I must be the only person who never had Revas, but now I am a bit of a convert (these have a much cleaner, less casual look than the Revas).
And bonus: not expensive!!!
anon a mouse
Thanks for these! They look like a version of the old Cece flats that I loved. Just ordered!
Anon
Thank you for the rec – I also have super narrow heels that slide out of most shoes.
kk
oh, that was me! hooray! so glad they worked for you!
Anon
Do any of you send your daughter(s) to private, single-sex schools? Did any of you go yourselves? I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think that’s a route I would want to consider for my daughter for many reasons, but I don’t really have any friends who have done it. It was tradition on my late mother’s side and I’ve heard some great stories from my aunts, although their experiences weren’t exactly recent. Would love to hear any other perspectives on what you valued about the experience or whether you think it was worth it from an academic and social perspective (or whether your daughter is thriving now). I actually am a strong supporter of public schools overall and I’ve been surprised at how appealing I find the thought of a single-sex, academics-focused environment for my daughter.
Anonymous
I think it depends on your local schools. I adored Wellesley but the K-12 private schools near me were very wealthy, very snobby, and not as academically challenging as my public schools. Academically focused is great, but private single sex does not automatically lead To a academically focused school.
Seventh Sister
Another Wellesley grad here. I live in a big city and even if I had the scratch (I do not), I am not interested in any of the local single-sex private high schools for similar, and mostly social reasons. My kids are ridiculously privileged in that they live in a nice-enough house in a nice neighborhood, go to strong public schools, get braces, and get to travel a bunch (US and international travel). I don’t want them feeling like they are “the poor nobody kids” because they don’t fly private or have famous parents.
Also, sample size of me, but I went to a not-great-to-middling public high school out in the sticks and I did just as well (or better) than many people in undergrad who went to fancy prep schools and selective publics like Stuy or Boston Latin.
Anon
I went to one for high school. While I had a great experience personally, I wouldn’t send my kid to one. There’s something completely unrealistic about it. It builds, I don’t know, false confidence. I’ve thought about it and have a hard time articulating my issue with it, but I get sad every time I see a classmate sending their kid to my alma mater.
Anon
To be honest, I don’t see false confidence as a bad trait for developing young women. You know who also has false confidence that translates in real life to “fake it till you make it”? Some average blonde kid named Hunter at the all boys’ school who has never been told no. I’m not even sure what you mean by “false confidence” in an academic context – women hug the bell curve on grades and intelligence too. Are you implying that young women develop false confidence because boys are smarter and girls may actually think they are just as smart and can achieve the same in a single sex environment? I can’t see any positive to your “false confidence” comment that does drip with the implication that women aren’t as smart or capable. Don’t lump your insecurities onto all women.
Anon
+1 million to this! “Give me the confidence of a mediocre white man…”
Anon
AMEN
Anon
I don’t think she meant it like that. I think she meant that it creates a false confidence that doesn’t still exist/last when those students are placed in a co-ed environment. I love the idea of single sex classes for girls to build confidence, but only if that confidence lasts/survives once they are placed in co-ed environments. I’ve seen too many times where they don’t.
Anon
Eyeroll. I have plenty of actual confidence, it just didn’t come from a false environment where I was only competing against women. Thanks.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I think I had plenty of confidence from women’s college that lasted in a semi-vicious co-ed environment (law school) and beyond. I had so many false ideas about myself from the boys in high school – including my friends and boyfriends! They told me I was too nervous, too jumpy, neurotic over assignments, too everything, before we even got to “not pretty enough” or “too pretty to be smart.” My friends and professors in college saw me as someone hard-working, intelligent, helpful, and dedicated. For lack of a better phrase, they were and are “my people.”
That said, I don’t push women to go to women’s colleges if they aren’t interested. I think you either *hate* it or you love it.
Cat
I feel similarly. The “real world” is co-ed. Why not build your confidence in that world from the beginning?
Anonymous
Because different people learn differently? I did a combo of single sex and co-ed. For me, single sex is where I developed confidence, found my voice, and learned how to deal with everyone. I would never recommend it for all or suggest it should be universal, but it can be really great for some of us!
Anon
I used to feel that way but don’t anymore. I was a very shy, softspoken but book smart kid. One of my high school teacher who had gone to Wellesley really wanted me to consider applying there, but both my mom and I felt that I had to “learn to play with boys from the beginning.” But now, being out in the workforce and knowing lots of people who went to women’s colleges, I can really see how that environment helps some people. It’s not that you can’t compete with boys. It’s that you have the chance to grow up and build your confidence in a more supportive environment, so you are better equipped for the real world when the time comes (which is a tough transition for many recent college grads, regardless of whether or not you went to school with boys). Not everyone needs that kind of support, but some people do and I think I personally would have benefited from it tremendously. I’ll definitely encourage my daughter to explore women’s colleges.
Anonymous
I don’t really understand the argument that being in school with immature boys is teaching you anything about how to interact with grown men. In my school, anyway, the boys got away with murder. They were always cutting up in class and picking on the victim du jour. The only thing being in a co-ed school taught me was that boys can be cruel and violent in a way that girls were not – and that boys get away with it whereas girls’ bad behavior was shamed, usually publicly. I’m not sure that’s something I needed to learn at like 8 years old.
Anon
YUP.
Anonymous
The counter to this is that you see the opposite gender as fallible humans, same as you, and don’t think you’re anything but on an even par with them. It’s NBD.
[IMO, girls often get away with murder by not looking the part. As a gender, we get better grades and act out far less, so a little cutting school “b/c you’re looking at colleges” is never questioned.]
Anonymous
OTOH, girls are some of the cruelest creatures imaginable. Not sure either gender has a lock on virtue or lack thereof.
Anon
I went to an expensive private middle school (Co-Ed) and the girls were absolutely vicious to one another- people actually committed suicide (and then were still made fun of). The public dorky high school magnet I convinced my parents to eventually send me to was my saving grace at that age. Different things work for different kids.
anonymous
This may out me, but my mom went to one and refused to send her daughters to one. She was in a male-dominated field (architecture) and felt strongly that girls should “learn to compete with boys.” I think she felt we needed to earn our battle scars earlier than when we entered the real world because it was such a daily battle for her. We went to private co-ed schools and high school in particular was huge for me – by the time I got to the ivy league for college, I was not only ahead of my peers academically but I felt really at ease socially in any situation and really confident in myself. These are obviously anecdotes of *my* experience, but my best friend from 8th grade went to one of the all-girls high schools and ironically she was way more boysboysboys obsessed than I was just because… I guess they weren’t some forbidden fruit for me? Crushes would come and go when you see them more realistically (as plain ol’ teenage boys) and the rest of them are just your friends and classmates. <> For us, co-ed was a better choice, but I think you know your daughter best!
Anonymous
My friends who went to all-girls schools were so OMGboysboysboys that it’s like they thought of nothing else. We at my co-ed school saw the warts and all every day so we maybe relaxed a bit more.
Plus, I knew a lot more by having friends (all guys) at the service academies. I wouldn’t have aimed at that myself had it not been for seeing that in the mix (and more pro hard sciences) and I doubt that I would have gotten so much STEM at an all-girls school. [Granted that may be different now, but I want my daughters to know it’s OK to do hair or teach pre-K and not just that they need a BS from CalTech to be “successful”.]
Anon
How would this out you? Do you think you’re the only person who had a mother who went to a single-sex school and decided against it for her daughter? I always roll my eyes at the “this may out me” posts, because there are literally hundreds of other people in the same position. It’s so precious to think you’re the only one and that everyone will know it’s you OMG!!!
Anon
Not the person who said that, but there are a lot of other details (mom was in architecture, OP went to an Ivy, anecdotes about the middle school BFF). I’ve definitely recognized people I know from their posts here before.
Anonymous
My sense it that the average at all-girls schools maybe higher than at co-ed, the co-ed schools can probably handle the high end of the spectrum better (regardless of gender) and give you more opportunities.
All of my friends’ all-girl schools were probably better at the BA-type classes than classic STEM (so maybe you did algebra but could you do AB/BC calculus work?). It think it was good for the average / shy girl, but none of those friends rocked the sciences or felt able to pursue math/science at the college level (so none mastered MCAT-level math or chemistry or became doctors, just lawyers).
Signed,
Ain’t no one doing AP Chem but large urban public schools in my neck of the woods
Anonymous
The saying is that girls do better in single sex schools and boys do better in co-ed. I have attended both private and public girls’ schools and I really enjoyed my experience. I was a huge nerd though and wasn’t going to boofing parties or anything like that. I would definitely caution her on parties. However, the day to day classroom experience is really good.
How is your daughter socially? How much money do you have compared to her peers? It’s better to be the rich kid in the public school than the poor kid in the private school, if you want her to have friends.
busybee
What a bizarre reply this is.
Anon
There’s some truth to it though. My SIL grew up upper middle class but was “the poor kid” at her upper east side all-girls prep school and had a very tough time socially. She’s naturally shy and probably wouldn’t have been a social butterfly no matter what, but I can’t imagine that being perceived as poor helped. True story: her only close friend was an ex-rich kid whose father had recently gone to jail for orchestrating a Ponzi scheme (not the Madoffs, but a similar thing).
Anon
I don’t think this is a strange reply at all. It is realistic, however unfortunate that may be.
busybee
I didn’t mean so much the rich kid/poor kid thing so much as the advice to caution her about certain types of parties.
Anonymous
I am the OP of the “bizarre” comment, my experience is that the house parties are FAR more dangerous in terms of drugging and drinking than maybe you realize? Adolescents, parents not home, lots of money? Sound familiar? The extremely hard-partying private school kid is, sadly, not an invention of Hollywood. If you’re putting a girl in a private school and you don’t warn her that there will be kids who are WAY more sophisticated and experimental than she is used to then you are doing her a disservice. My point is, be careful where in the social hierarchy your daughter will fall. Private schools can be absolutely ruthless, whereas there may be more places for her to fit in, in a public school.
Anon
Yeah, I have to agree that the party culture in private schools is very different. I dated a guy in college who had gone to a prep school and his high school social experience was so so so different than mine. He was a nerd who did really well in school but he still experimented with hard dr*gs (c0ke, pills) because everybody did. I was a nerd/theater kid in a Midwestern public school and never even went to a party with alcohol. I was aware that many of the popular kids drank (although it was a HUGE scandal when one got alcohol poisoning once) and the “dr*ggies” smoked p0t, but hard dr*gs were pretty much unheard of and there was a big social scene that didn’t revolve around alcohol and dr*gs.
Anonymous
Second this — my parents were white collar, but my largely blue collar town got its kicks on tobacco and booze.
I got to go to boarding school and I was expecting hard core academics but the academics were what I was used to minus the remedial tracks; the hard core drugs were a shock. Not that no one would have done coke or pills, but no one at my prior school had the funds for that.
cbackson
Counterpoint: I went to prep school and there was some drinking, but no one in my class even smoked pot, much less hard drugs, because we were all obsessed with getting into college (even the super jock-y kids).
Anonymous
Our city does not offer this, but some of my friends did it in the NYC area, largely in Catholic (which we aren’t) schools.
I think it’s right for some girls. And IMO it worked better for girls with brothers, so that they had *some* experience with peer guys as people and other than as items that would appear at school mixers and dances.
My daughters (no sons) have gone to a girls-only STEM day camp for a couple of weeks each summer but are at the age where they are running laps around the boys their age in every possible way, so the purported benefit hasn’t kicked in (I think that is maybe just high school). But they live in a world with two genders and I want them to be competent dealing with people in general, so while I like single-sex organizations (Junior League, sororities, their girl-only den in boy scouts), I am not sure I’d chose a single-sex school for them.
Anonymous
I hear this a lot, and it’s totally fine if single sex isn’t for you or your kids. But in absolutely no way does it mean you won’t be capable of dealing with both genders! For me, a space to grown my confidence with just women was exactly what I needed to be great at dealing with men too.
Anonymous
Yes and the counter to this is that for some people, boys are reduced to “the other” and exoticized a bit. And since social outlets are still important, it makes a part of your life out of whack. Which can be fine, but really messed up some of my friends. It helped if they had bothers, so they had regular social contact with friends of brothers, etc.
Anonymous
No my point is please stop telling me my life was out of whack or that I couldn’t deal with boys. That is not a universal experience and certainly plenty of girls in coed schools can’t deal with boys.
Anonymous
Srsly, no one is telling you that.
Anon
I went to an all girls’ boarding school. Loved it, and it was perfect for me – a shy, soft spoken teenager. The small classes and general atmosphere were great for me, and I engaged much more in classes and also in various clubs and activities, outside of just sports (and the sports program was great). I’m closer to the girls I went to high school with than most of my college friends, I think it comes from living with them in addition to the daytime activities, so that might be specific to just boarding schools. The school provided great cultural experiences, as well. And the school did a good job setting me up for the college scholarship that I received, as well as building up the confidence in myself that I lost in middle school. It has also provided an invaluable network (another thing that might be more specific to boarding schools, since students are from all over). One thing I would note is that the school opportunities in my hometown for someone who was academically talented were extremely limited. The decision to go to this school may have been different if we had really top-notch public or private schools. If I had a daughter I’d absolutely send her if she were interested, because I value my experience and friendships that much, but I wouldn’t push it if the local schools were good. I was back on campus recently and had the opportunity to participate in an event with the girls, and their confidence and engagement with social issues just blew me away. Girls’ schools aren’t for everyone, but my school was perfect for me, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat (and go earlier – I didn’t start until sophomore year).
Anon
I went to an all-girls private school for middle and high school. It was the best experience of my life and I am still best friends with all my friends from that school 20+ years later. The opportunities it gave me are really priceless. When I went to university I had already studied a lot of the same books etc back in high school – compared to a lot of my university peers who had never written long research papers or studied classic literature in public schools, I was ahead. (Not to say public schools can’t be challenging academically – this is just what I observed, especially compared to my younger brother who did not attend a private school). I also really appreciate now, as an adult woman navigating the career world, the confidence I gained from being in an empowering female environment. I was really fortunate and privileged.
Anon
I wanted to add, my biggest complaint about my school is that there was a HUGE focus on the 100% university acceptance rate and anyone who didn’t want to go to a traditional university or follow the traditional path was basically seen as a failure. I didn’t even know there were other options.
Anonymous
Well that’s anygood school though. No rigorous academically focused high school is encouraging not going to college.
Anon
Not the OP but I think that is a huge disservice to the student population. Not everyone is made for college and not every job requires a college education. A lot of people would be better off financially if they went into a trade/apprenticeship type job and didn’t have student loans. Electricians and plumbers make bank these days.
Anonymous
Especially insofar as a good high school covers a lot of the same ground as college gen ed requirements, it makes sense to skip college if you’re going straight into a trade and don’t need a college major.
Rainbow Hair
I agree with 12:14 and 1:30 — I certainly hope that if my Kiddo’s brain is wired like her dad’s, she’ll go right into one of the trades. I don’t think our need for plumbing or masonry is going away any time soon.
jwalk
I went to a women’s college and it was, hands down, the best decision I ever made. I think it would have been even more beneficial at a younger age. Being surrounded by intelligent, impressive, motivated, and courageous women every day was a dream, and profoundly influenced who I am today. I was so empowered there and carried that through into my career, which has led to a lot of opportunities.
anon
I went to a co ed college and I was also surrounded by intelligent, impressive, motivated, and courageous women every day.
K
Definitely can have a great experience at single sex or co-ed. I went to a male-dominated Tech university and there were also wonderful women, too. Really just depends on who you choose to surround yourself with.
Anon
I’m the commenter below who went to an all-women’s college. I think you can certainly have a great experience anywhere, and there are phenomenal women everywhere. Part of what I appreciate now about the experience was being in an environment where I could really get to know and understand different types of women. Enneagram, long before it had a surge of popularity on Instagram, was something we used in leadership training and I learned how to better communicate, identify with, and lift up women of all personalities. I think I’m a better manager and supporter of other women because of it.
Anon
JFC, nobody is trying to say this doesn’t happen either. What a weird thing to get your undies in a bunch about.
jwalk
Seriously! I went to a co-ed college my first year before transferring to the women’s college. Yes, there were of course wonderful women there, too. It was still a world of difference after I transferred.
Anon
I went to a small, private liberal arts all-women’s college and LOVED it. We have a partner all-male college (since there’s probably exactly one of these still around, I’m sure someone will figure out where), but it’s all-female dorm living on a seperate campus, the student governments and college’s administrations are seperate. We did have classes and clubs/activities together with the men, which was nice in a social sense. I was on student government, and the powerful collaborative environment of an all-woman governing body was a defining experience for me. For lack of a better way to describe this, there’s just a huge sense of community and girl power there.
Many women who attended my college also went to all-girl’s high schools (these often have male-HS counterparts but tend to be more completely separated) and had great experiences. I don’t have kids yet, but will definitely be considering single-sex education for girl or boy. Both my cousins and family friends have seen their sons flourish as young men at the all-boy’s academy.
One thing to note – since many of these institutions tend to be religiously based or Catholic, before I went to my college, people definitely made jibes about how strict the nuns were going to be and that we were going to be marched to mass every Sunday. I’m sure institutions vary in this, but it wasn’t that way in the least for me. The plurality of students were probably raised Catholic, but not the majority. The sisters are amazing women role models you could choose to engage with or not and the monastery there (which is a seperate legal/business entity from the college) is actually shockingly liberal. You were required to do 2 religious studies classes, my intro class was taught by a guy who’s been excommunicated from the Vatican and the other I did while studying abroad, learning about the histories and differences between Eastern and Western religions. No one was forcing religious views down anyone’s throat.
Anonymous
I went to an all-girl middle and high school and I think I benefited tremendously from it. I did not have trouble making friends with boys or dating when I went to college. I think how sheltered or boy-crazy the girls were depended more on their family upbringing than on the school. If there was a similar all-girls school in my area I’d send my hypothetical daughter. I will say, though, that my school was much less preppy/rich than some other private schools in my area growing up, and I would hesitate to send my daughter to a very fancy school.
Anon
I didnt. I sent my kids through public schools, which in my urban area, which are very diverse and have a bit of a scary (overblown) reputation, but also have honors and AP and IB classes for those who want to pursue a more academically rigorous course.
My city has a well regarded all girls school and many of my daughter’s friends went there. So many of those girls begged and pleaded and cajoled their parents to send them to the public school for high school – that’s why my daughter knows so many of them now. Overall, they’re doing fine in the public high school, though some of my daughter’s particular friends are super awkward around boys – don’t know if that’s just who they are anyway, or whether it has to do with the girls school.
So, just to say – you may be able to make choices for your kid now, but she’s going to have her own opinions about this at some point. I only write to you to advise you to have an open mind about this as she gets older.
anon
I went to public school K-12 and then went to a private women’s liberal arts college. If I could do college over, I wish I had had more direction for my game plan after college and more career planning, but I do not regret going to a women’s college. The confidence I gained in college was huge and I attribute that to the all women environment and an amazing mentor/professor/advisor.
Anonymous
What field are you in?
IMO, if my kid wanted to go into a hard science or accounting, IDK whether her options coming out of a women’s college would be what they are coming out of Big State U or some other co-ed school.
My single-gender undergrad friends all went to law school b/c they had no technical skills and really hadn’t had any science/math since high school. Maybe there are some Big4 accounting partners who went to Wellesley / Smith / Vassar, but my sense is that just the school may put some unconscious limits on some career fields re exposure / internships / recruiting / alumni networks (esp. with recruiting though).
Anon
I can’t speak to accounting, but can speak to the hard sciences. Generally, large research universities prepare you better for grad school in STEM than liberal arts colleges do, because the faculty is more research-focused and there are grad classes for the most advanced students. I don’t think there’s any meaningful difference between coming out of Wellesley vs coming out of a comparable co-ed liberal arts college like Swarthmore though. A good student at either will want to seek out research opportunities and grad classes at nearby research institutions. But the all-woman thing isn’t a big factor.
rosie
My experience at a women’s liberal arts college as a STEM major was great. Excellent research opportunities and lots of access to profs vs having grad students teaching me in lab or in lecture. Also, having STEM faculty that were committed to women going into STEM was amazing — vs just teaching women (or undergrads, I guess) because it was just a requirement of the job and not part of their passion.
Anonymous
I’m a statistician. We don’t look at college in particular (as long as it’s not BuyYourDegree.edu) , we look at experience and knowledge. It absolutely would not matter where you went to school as long as you can do the work.
anon
I’m Anon at 11:51 and I’m in law. My undergrad was in art after a false start in elementary ed. It is true that I took the bare minimum in math and science in undergrad because it was not required for any of the majors I tried on while I was there. My alma mater is particularly well known or regarded for STEM, but I assume that is true of most small liberal arts colleges whether they are all women or not? If you were interested in engineering, you went to the nearby state university; if you were looking at med school, you also would have been unlikely to choose my undergrad college.
Somewhat related to this discussion, I distinctly remember telling my female high school guidance counselor in a career planning session that I aspired to be a marine biologist and she immediately responded by asking if I had considered nursing. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that I clearly had no clue what a marine biologist did and if I had known, I definitely would not have wanted to be one. But I remember being insulted by her response then, and I am still am now, some 20 years later. I feel like I was on the tail end of the generation of students where the focus was on just getting a college degree, and that it did not matter what kind of degree. I choose law school not because I wanted to be a lawyer, but because I did not know what else to do. Of course, we all know now that is the worst reason to go to law school. I don’t know if I’ll encourage my daughter to go to an all women’s school or not, but I will definitely push her to be more thoughtful about career planning and the bigger picture when she makes her post-high school plans.
anon
*is NOT particularly well known or regarded…
Anonymous
I found that for many of my college friends who attended all girls high schools, they just weren’t very used to interacting normally with boys/men and considered them to be s much greater “other” than they really were. Not just from a dating standpoint, but on s general interaction standpoint. I think it really did them a disservice, a similar one that I’ve seen in ultra religious communities where men and women are mostly apart — greater sense of “otherness” and less preparation for life in actual society where we all interact.
Anon
I went to an all-girls private school in NJ from grades 7-12 – and it honestly made me the woman I am today. I went on to great undergraduate and law schools – but that environment changed too a shy, social awkward, embarrassed by her intelligence 12 year old and made me into the confident, brave and successful woman I am today. I am an AmLaw 100 partner in a male dominated practice area and I can say with absolutely certainty that without my time at my school it wouldn’t have happened. That said, education is an incredibly individual thing, and just because my experience at my alma mater was amazing, doesn’t mean I would automatically send my daughter there (I don’t have one so haven’t had to face the choice). I think an all-female environment can be the best thing ever for certain young women, but not for others – my view though is it really depends on the child. My mother was a public school teacher and had a hard time coming to terms that this was the best educational choice for me – but today over 20 years later will say it was the best decision she could have made for me as an individual.
Rainbow Hair
I haven’t read all the comments (wow there are a lot!) but I will share my experience: All girls HS was great for me. When my parents told me at the end of 8th that they were sending me there for 9th I criiiiied because … boys, duh. But it just turned out to be so great! I think it might’ve been a bit of a unicorn in that it was very socially liberal, and not a religious school. (Have I outed myself?)
The downside was that it was exclusive, and yes, a bit of a bubble. The upside was that girls answered every question the teacher asked, because there were only girls. I realized in college (co-ed) that I was one of very few girls who raised my hand in class. The most important thing I think about that school, in retrospect, was how safe I felt. I’m not sure if that was just a function of the single sex environment, or if it was also just that the school was well-run and a good fit for me, but I remember those years as being very rough emotionally, the teenage-growing-up-brain stuff, but that school (classmates and teachers) felt like a very safe place to process all of that.
After graduation, I don’t think I was worse around boys than I would’ve been otherwise, or if I was, it was only very briefly so. The gals who really wanted boyfriends in HS had no trouble getting them – sports, church, dances, academic events, hanging out downtown.
I will not send my Kiddo to a single sex school because I can’t afford it.
Anonymous
I am assuming you are referring to K-12 schools, not college. I did ten years in a single-sex boarding school that was singularly undistinguished academically but it did inculcate good citizenship and, strangely enough, good communication skills. So I learned early to be responsible for myself, but the low academic standards affected subsequent opportunities. I was so envious of the boys in a single-sex boarding school in my home town with much higher academic standards! I went on to a STEM-related career where I was often the only woman and survived but it could have been a lot easier.
Anon
Has anyone fixed horrible posture? How did you do it?! I realized over the weekend that I have pretty much constant neck and back pain from hunching over my keyboard at work all and then my phone or laptop at night. I ordered a new pillow (which may address part of the pain problem) and I’m making an effort to sit up straighter and hold my shoulders back and down, but I’m interested in any tips you’ve got!
Mrs. Jones
Yoga, specifically back bends.
C2
+1 to yoga – heart openers will help your shoulders/chest/back release, a counterpoint to the hunching you’re doing at the desk, and then core strengthening exercises help correct your posture overall.
https://www.verywellfit.com/heart-opening-yoga-poses-4023748
https://www.verywellfit.com/yoga-poses-to-improve-your-posture-3567224
OP
Thanks, I’ll start those today!
Anon
Exercises to strengthen your back and your core.
Veronica Mars
Consult a professional. You may have very tight muscles that will be difficult to exercise away. If you have a trusted chiropractor, massage therapist, etc, you may need to commit to getting treatment of your back/shoulder ligaments to get them to loosen and relax. Acupuncture can also help undo muscle knots. Then once you’ve undone all the damage and your ligaments are more flexible and can relax from that compressed “hunch,” you can work on strength training.
Anonymous
+1. I’m doing PT for just this. Wish I had started at the first sign of trouble.
CL
In addition to excercise; sleep with thin pillow or none if you can. Remember to look up when (walking) not down toward pavement.
OP
I actually got a massage this weekend and my massage therapist suggested I call my doctor and see a PT. I tentatively decided to try to remedy a few obvious issues first and see if that fixes it, but this is making me think I should just follow her/your advice and make an appointment. I’ve also been doing some strength training lately but I think it’s making the problem worse, so it makes sense that starting with a fresh slate would be a better idea.
Vicky Austin
I’m taking lots of notes on this thread – my only trick is to put random bright pink sticky notes around my house and office. Whenever I see one I straighten my shoulders. It doesn’t fix the underlying problem, but it reduces the amount of time I actually spend hunching.
OP
This is a great tip! I also told my husband to remind me any time he sees me hunching.
Anonattorney
One other little tip – put a lacrosse ball or a tennis ball between your lower back and your desk chair. Try to keep it suspended, but not pushed hard into your back. This will force you to sit up straighter.
Ness
Pilates.
anon
reformer pilates does wonders for my posture
Anon
I just started horseback riding again and I am hoping it will improve my posture since it requires core strength AND the aesthetic appearance of sitting up straight. Maybe find a similar activity (dancing comes to mind) to make it a fun process for you?
Anon
Ha, I remember my childhood riding coaches constantly telling me to sit as if there was a string attached to the top of my head pulling it up to the ceiling.
Equestrian Attorney
I’m clearly biased, but 25 + years of regular horseback riding is the only reason I’m not a hunchback. Several doctors and PTs have commented on how great horseback riding is for this.
Leah
Choral singing is also great for this, if you want a less rigorous activity. My posture (and breath control!) is automatic from years of my director harping at us. Maintaining my shoulders/back and keeping my stomach tight is second nature now.
(Also, I suspect that it helps keep your face toned as well, because every choir director I’ve known has an amazingly smooth neck/jawline all the way up to retirement age.)
Anonymous
A year plus of regular massage and a well informed trainer who gives physical therapy movements specific to posture. I didn’t even think it was that bad before I started but now I’m like…what was I doing this time last year? I work a high stress job where I guess I’ve just kept myself going by adrenaline and pushing, and gotten used to being tense and hunched over. My trainer started me off with basic things like shoulder lateral raises and stretching, periodically did air cupping and deeper tissue manipulation, and now we’re finally finally onto bigger things like assisted pullups, overhead press, and other things that actually build muscle. It’s been a process.
Anonymous
Things that have helped:
Thoracic spine extension with a foam roller.
Using lacrosse balls, Alpha balls, and other foam roller tricks on my pecs and shoulders
Regular deep tissue massage
Using a theracane on the tight muscles in my shoulders and necks
Stability ball back extensions
Lat pulldowns
Setting a timer to beep every 45 minutes to remind me to stand up, stretch, and adjust my posture when I’m working at the computer.
Anon
Morning Hive – hoping you can help me. Within the past year, I’m noticing a strange anxious undercurrent to my thinking. It’s not like I have panic attacks or ever really feel that physiologically anxious (racing heart, trouble sleeping, etc.) but my first reaction to situations is almost always absurd. For example, when walking to take the bus today – same bus I take every single day – I thought “what happens if it’s jammed and I can’t get off?” Logically I know this will not and has never been an issue, but it’s what’s I was thinking on the way to the stop. Last week I overheard coworkers talking about going for coffee and thought “I’ll be hurt if they don’t ask me to come along.” They did the next second and also I logically know it’s fine that we don’t need to go for coffee as a complete group everyday.
What put me over the edge was sitting beside my partner on Saturday night. He was texting someone and I could see he was using a ton of emojis. He almost never does this and my brain went to “is he texting someone something inappropriate?”
I am in therapy though finding it is not providing the best strategies for coping. Is this something medication would help with?
OP
Want to clarify that when I say “what put me over the edge” on Saturday – I mean that reaction is what made me think that I need to manage this more appropriately, not that I lost it on my husband.
Anonymous
who was he texting tho? A ton of emojis sounds appropriate only for a girlfriend or child.
Anonymous
Lol I text my platonic lady friends in exclusively emojis allthe time.
Another anon
+1
I use emojis with friends (both men and women) all the time.
Anonymous
I’m just saying if using a lot of emojis is unusual enough for him that she noticed it, don’t just dismiss your own worries. Sure poop smiley crylaugh eggplant raindrop people use them all the time, but, I don’t think she should just automatically tell herself she’s being silly. If it’s different behavior for him, and she noticed it… maybe take herself seriously.
Anon
These sound like intrusive thoughts, which are a common part of anxiety. The problem isn’t necessarily having them, the problem is finding it hard to stop thinking about them once they occur to you. I’ve found both medication helpful for stopping them along with treating my other anxiety symptoms, but I also found meditation very, very helpful. The idea with meditation is basically that it’s a skill to have a thought but let it go without dwelling on it, and meditation lets you practice and strengthen that skill. I like the Calm app for guided meditation, but I know there are other good ones out there.
Irish Midori
Intrusive thoughts can also be a symptom of mild OCD. I know others who swear by meditation for managing this. Some counseling sessions with a LCSW may also help you find some other coping techniques. My son had some issues with this, and the counseling really seemed to help him.
Veronica Mars
If you’re having issues with intrusive thoughts, I’d recommend you try a few other strategies before jumping into medication. The Anxiety and Phobias Workbook by Dr. Bourne has a whole chapter on it and recommendations. That book also lists some herbs and supplements that can help anxiety before going the pharmaceutical route. I’d try a few of those strategies first. But, if the thoughts are concurrent with other anxiety-related problems (teeth grinding at night, avoidant behavior during the day, fatigue, inability to relax, etc) then go and consider medication more readily.
Anon
Welcome to my life. This is classic anxiety. Intrusive thoughts, spiraling, catastrophizing. I take medication.
Ann Perkins!
This is my default mode. A few things that help me: regular exercise, good sleep habits (anxiety is always worse when you’re tired), and setting up systems to resolve things I worry about every day (did I turn my straightener off?).
In some cases, I find it helpful to recognize that your thoughts are spiraling and then have a rational “yes, and” conversation with yourself. What if I didn’t unplug the straightener? Well, realistically it will just sit on the counter and be hot. Worst case scenario, the counter gets a little melted or discolored – it’s okay, it’s old and ugly anyway. Worst worst case scenario, a fire starts – we have good insurance and a fire department around the corner, and there are 6 neighbors who would call me at the first sign of trouble. Somehow playing a catastrophic scenario through to its logical end helps me break out of the cycle and also put the thing I’m worrying about in context.
Anon
Ha, it’s interesting to read all these responses because my first reaction was “Isn’t that just how life is?”
OP
I used to just assume it WAS how life is (my mom used to be like this, and would share her intrusive thoughts with me – like “I wonder what we’ll do when we can’t find parking…” even before leaving the house), but in talking to my doctor and my therapist and my friends and my husband, almost no one agrees that this level of background anxiety is “normal.”
Anonymous
I never thought I had anxiety until I hit 40 and then it kicked in with a vengeance. I went straight to Lexapro and honestly it saved my life. But the other thing I have realized is that a lot of the day-to-day tension I previously identified as just being a “high performer” or “normal life for a high powered lawyer” or “that’s just normal for a busy person with kids!” was actually anxiety. I am so, so much happier on Lexapro. It has allowed me to see my life so much more clearly. I worried that Lexapro would take away the edge that makes me successful, but it is exactly the opposite – it has allowed me to make decisions with confidence and see the world through clear eyes, not through the lens of anxiety.
Brittany
This was me! It got so bad I could barley get dressed because I didn’t know if I would be too hot or cold in what I chose. I knew it was irrational and I could just take a jacket, but I could not stop obsessing. I went to the doctor and realized I have another condition that makes me prone to anxiety. I take supplements and a low dose anxiety medicine along with getting enough sleep and exercise. I think its important to find the cause and not just treat anxiety. Did you change something in your life when you started having these thoughts? I graduated college and stopped working out 20 hours a week and that affected my hormones and endorphins.
Home laser system for hair removal
Does anyone have recommendations for a home hair removal system? I have very light skin and dark hair, and I figured that if I am willing to epilate each week for 20 minutes, I should probably just devote that time to lasering it all off. Thanks!
Nesprin
Go to a professional! if you have light skin and dark hair you’re a natural fit for laser hair removal- it’s most effective for your combo.
Anon
I’ve done at home and agree, just get laser- you have the perfect coloring combo for it and it’s life changing. I went from having a 5’oclock shadow on my legs to shaving once a month or less.
anon
Recommendations for a brunch restaurant in Philly that takes reservations – ideally in center city, that is good for 2 babies, 6 adults (one is in a wheelchair), and ideally a community/unisex bathroom because the person in the wheelchair requires assistance using the restroom
Cat
What’s your budget/style preference? For classic, somewhat pricey “grandma-friendly Easter” vibes — aka lots of options, upscale buffet style, good if not “trendy” food, and large enough that a noisy kid won’t get you tons of side-eyes — you might try Urban Farmer at the Logan (more rustic decor) or XIX at the Bellevue (beautiful rooms). Parc might also work although they’re sometimes weird about reservations for larger groups (not sure why?) but maybe the explanation of needing wheelchair accommodations would get you through. I’ve never paid close attention to whether any of these has a single-stall restroom but hotels at least typically have generously-sized handicapped stalls.
Anon
I have a family member in a power chair and it’s difficult in Philly. So many places will say they are accessible- you might be able to get in the door, but then there is a step leading to the bathroom. Some possibilities (you will want to scope out before you decide):
Red Owl Tavern (hotel entrance next door connects and is accessible)
The Little Lion
Talulah’s Garden/Talulah’s Daily
Urban Farmer
Parc
I gave up and now meet up with that family member in the suburbs. I can recommend the Farm and the Fisherman or Iron Hill on the Jersey side.
Anon
Doesn’t Parc have a couple steps in the front entrance?
Cat
Parc does at the front, but I think the side door on 18th is at street-level.
Bette
Amis fits all of those criteria.
It’s my go to brunch place for meeting friends with kids.
Restrooms are unisex and single stall handicapped accessible.
Anon
Anon from above at 10:59 (not the OP)- this looks promising. Thanks for the rec!
Cole Haan Harlow Pump
Do folks recommend these? I’m skeptical of the synthetic sole rather than a leather sole, but there’s some good deals to be had on basic ones right now (which I need). Do they hold up well? Able to repair? Thanks!
Anon
I am looking for advice on casual to business casual dressing, but still maintaining authority and polish
I just attended nearly a week of offsite meetings that included morning business sessions, afternoon team building or sporting event outings, and evening cocktail receptions or dinners.
The dress code said business casual or golf casual for most of the events. The men mostly wore button up shirts, nicer khakis or dark jeans, nylon type jackets, and shoes similar to Sperry topsiders, but nice looking, not beat up.
I’m one of the very few women in management who attended the event, though we did have some lower ranking, younger women there as well. I think we all struggled with how to dress appropriately. I brought along ankle pants and dark jeans, which I wore with longer tunic type tops and longer cardigans. I felt kind of schlubby. I also brought a couple of knit work dresses but I could tell immediately it would have been a “why are you so dressed up” situation had I worn them. I would have felt the same with a blazer or work jacket.
How do you feel polished and work appropriate while being casual? Do you have a casual dress formula that works for you?
Anonymous
longer tunics and cardigans reads schlubby to me. A cropped tweed jacket with jeans maybe?
anon
I don’t see them as schlubby, but longer tunics and cardigans are definitely casual wear. I like the tweed jacket idea. You could also do blouses (something like nordstrom pleione, tucked in) or a sweater like the jcrew tippi sweater.
Anon
Nah, I think longer = schlubby.
Anonymous
This sounds like where I’d wear some MMLF dresses with flats or more “fun” shoes.
Anonymous
Jeans + blazer. Also, what the men are wearing. If they’re wearing pants and a button up, then why would it be any different for you?
I might be in the minority, but I don’t think tunics and long cardigans (with maybe a few exceptions) have a place at most jobs, especially for leadership.
Anon
Pants + button up I feel like the mom in that show The Middle
Definitely do not feel polished
9:58 Anon
Then you’re definitely doing it wrong.
rosie
I don’t like button ups and never feel comfortable in them. I have found some flowy blouses that work for me, though, and I think would work in this situation. Fancier fabric, collar but no buttons. Mine is from Ann Taylor.
Anon
In the winter, this is easy: nice slacks and a cashmere sweater.
Anonymous
But literally what are “nice slacks” and where do you buy them? I haven’t heard anyone talk about slacks in over a decade.
Anon
Slacks are literally any business to business casual style and material appropriate pants. You know suits? Remove the jacket and now you have slacks. Sometimes not thinking too hard about literal meanings helps out.
Anon
That’s too formal for this, though.
Anon
Have grey wool pants that I would call my “nice slacks.” In the summer, I have linen pants.
Irish Midori
I have some subtle plaid pants that I count as “nice slacks” and wear with solid sweaters or button-downs. For a casual conference, I tend to reach for solid t-shirt with a fun necklace or dangle earrings, and maybe a non-matching blazer I can lose if it feels too much. I have a couple tan or pattered blazers that go well for this.
C2
I would wear BR Sloans in this case, in navy or olive or a neutral. There are a lot of “elevated tee” crepe t-shirt style shirts that you can top them with. If it’s cool, you can add a cardigan on top. I would pair with flats or a low, casual wedge. For evening events, I’ll often wear a casual t-shirt style dress.
Anon
+1 This is my winter work uniform.
But if you were wearing a top and dark jeans, the same as the men, I think you sound fine.
Flats Only
I go with ankle pants or dark jeans with a non-matching blazer (so it doesn’t read “suit”) and a casual top under it. A T shirt type top or shell, vs. a blouse with buttons, blows, ruffles,etc. Keep the lines simple and clean. I regard this get up as the equivalent to mens slacks/dark jeans/button up shirt in business casual situations. I have also found that dresses feel too dressed up, and that cardigans feel schlubby or frumpy in this context.
Aggie
In this situation, I would have worn ankle pants and a blouse or sweater (heels or flats depending on the event). Other options: colored seamed pencil skirts + denim blazer, sheath dress + cardigan, or if it were actually on the golf course golf skort + polo.
Anon
Thanks. The skirt and dress ideas would have been WAY overdoing it. This was a very casual event.
Triangle Pose
Disagree but even then, in this instance, I’d rather overdo it than look schlubby in a longer tunic and cardigan. If people ask you why you’re dressed up you say in a friendly way “I’m not, this is my comfortable outfit.” I think you have great advice here and you are making this too hard on yourself.
Anon
I am open to advice, but I’m not looking for support in wearing my usual business dresses and blazers, because I’m fine with those in my everyday work setting. You’ll have to trust me that the even was definitely the outdoorsy golf-casual side of business casual and dresses definitely would not have worked (and then I would have had to figure out the tights situation, because it definitely not warm enough for bare legs)
That’s why I am asking for advice. I’m not great at dressing down and I’m asking what others have done in similar situations.
Aggie
The key to dressing down while still looking polished is to integrate more casual pieces to your everyday wardrobe. Blazer + jeans, sheath + casual cardigan, etc. But I wear dresses and skirts ALL the time to these type of events. I feel confident and no man has ever told me I’m over dressed. Add in denim, casual shoes, flowy tops and other items from your weekend wardrobe and hold your head high.
For this event, it sounds like it would have been easier in the summer: Sundress + wedges. (Which I think pants + sweater is the winter equivalent.)
Prolific Speaker
My personal opinion is that these kinds of events are always difficult for women to dress for. I find it much easier to be either smart casual or business formal – anything in between for an event (as opposed to every day) is tricky. My tips are as follows:
– Have your clothes be a “blank canvas” and let your accessories and shoes set your level of formality. For offsites/retreats, I’ve been known to pack two different sets of accessories to let me control my level of formality, in case I arrive and people are dressed more/less formally than I expected. Typically I wear all black or all of another neutral. Your hair and makeup can play into this as well.
– Think of your outfit in two components – pants/blouse, skirt/top, dress/topper, etc. One can be more formal but the other should be more casual. If you wear a sheath dress, maybe wear a moto jacket or cardigan instead of a blazer. If you wear dress pants, don’t also wear a formal top like a button-down. I’ve had good luck with dress pants, a t-shirt (with a nice fabric), and a blazer that’s either a fun color or a different fabric.
Anonymous
I would have worn knit dresses with wedges and confidence. It’s how I like dressing.
anon
Yes, you will portray confidence when you wear what you are happy in and know that it looks good on you….
Anon
For super casual events, I like wearing colored ankle chinos and long-length t-shirt with flats. This has been my casual Friday go-to on mild Fridays lately:
https://www.talbots.com/apparel/pants/all-ankle/garment-dye-girlfriend-chino/P182016360.html
https://www.jjill.com/product/pure-jill-stretch-cotton-shirttail-tee-125661?color=801
anon
I run into this all the time….I don’t try to dress like the guys in jeans with a golf shirt and a blazer….but I do wear jeans with flats or booties, and a ponte jacket/blazer or sweater jacket for a more business casual look. I prefer a tailored look so I don’t wear open cardigans or pullover sweaters, sweatshirts, etc that are really weekend/dress down clothes. I get a lot of nice pieces at Talbots and Nordstrom. Looks are business casual and pulled together, tailored and you can transition to the evening event or the sports bar etc. If its just all day meetings without the sporting event, I do wear a comfortable ponte dress with tights, block heels or booties. I get compliments from other women and I’m glad I always look pulled together….I prefer to be a bit more tailored than worrying if I look too casual.
Unicorn?
Check out SushDP instagram account for inspiration. She looks amazing and dresses business casual.
Anon
I really like sweaters and wear them a ton at home, but when I want to look professional, I have to wear a structured blazer or jacket- I just think it makes me look more management and less librarian.
Anonymous
I’m fuming today after two bad dating experiences this weekend. Tell me it gets better?
1. First date with a guy from Bumble to meet for drinks. I get there a little early and grab a drink at the bar. The guy texts me that he got a table in the dining room. I think that’s weird but maybe he doesn’t like crowded bars, whatever, I’ll leave an extra big tip for the waiter to make up for taking a table. I see the guy and know right away it’s not a match physically but hey that’s the point of dating! Dude tries to order dinner. I interrupt and say no this is just a drink, maybe we can get an app. He’s flustered, says he would like this to be dinner, and I – again – say no.
At the end of the date, he walks me to my car and I give him a hug, intentionally turning my head away so he can’t kiss me. He tries to maneuver for a kiss anyway. I back away from the hug and he pulls me back toward him and tries again for my mouth. I turn my head the other direction and he gives a sloppy open mouthed kiss on my cheek. I pull away more forcefully, as he’s still clutching me to try for a kiss again, and I escape. Guy is still texting me, I just blocked him.
2. Trying to set up a second date with a Bumble guy. Every time I said no to something he would give me push back. For example, he asked me to have dinner with him on Saturday. I already had plans that day. He said, awww but I wanted to take you to Fancy Restaurant on Saturday. I said, maybe next weekend? He said, well I really wanted THIS Saturday. No dude I have plans. A few minutes later – well I’m available Saturday let’s meet then. Omg are you 2 wtf? He also gave me a hard time because I didn’t want to go out late on a Monday night (he actually said, I’ll stay out til 3 am! Uh that’s not a good look on a 40 something just fyi), and gave me a hard time about not wanting to Netflix & chill (he said, what do you think is going to happen? I just want to watch a free movie!). He then told me, “you’re the one with all the restrictions, hun, I’m just trying to accommodate you.” So I said no thank you. He texted back, I don’t understand, what happened? I didn’t respond.
The next day, he sends me a long text explaining that he doesn’t want to see me any more, I was abrasive to him over text and he doesn’t understand why, he’s just a happy guy and wants to be happy with someone, and btw I should lose some weight. I responded, dude I already told you I don’t want to go out with you again, but if a text like this made your bruised ego feel better then cool [Nancy Pelosi clap].
Anonymous
1- I’m always annoyed by this and have actually said “oh let’s move to the bar actually”. I also specifically say “let’s get drinks at the bar” and try and suggest places that are primarily bars.
2- nah bro your not worth my time.
I agree it’s annoying but I haven’t found a perfect way to screen these guys out without meeting them.
cbackson
Just chiming in to say that I too am deeply annoyed when I make plans to meet someone for drinks and theymorph the date into dinner without asking me (by getting a table in the dining room, ordering a full meal at the bar, etc.). Drinks is intentionally a shorter event! Dinner is different. If drinks is going great then *ask* me if I’m interested in getting dinner!
OP
Yeah when I found him at the table I explained I was already at the bar and I asked to move over there. He said he felt more comfortable at a table. The bar was pretty crowded so I figured maybe it’s an anxiety thing, which I totally understand because I’m an anxious person myself. But then to insist on dinner when I made it clear that I’d rather be in the bar? Not cool. And I agree with cbackson – I wanted a shorter event for a reason! If drinks are awesome then maybe we can move to a table but that’s a mutual decision!
Anonymous
Oh my gosh! This sounds so horrible, I am so cringing on your behalf! I’m sorry you have to put up with this. No advice, just commiseration. You sound like you have your head on right and these dudes DO NOT.
Lana Del Raygun
Yeah these duds
That was supposed to be a sentence about these dudes but I think I’ll leave it at this typo.
Sam
Me too. Sorry you had to go through that!
Anon
These were just two terrible duds in a row, I don’t think it’s indicative of the whole dating pool. When I was online dating, for every 20 messages, I’d respond to maybe five (essentially the five with coherent writing beyond “hey” that seemed to actually read my profile”), go on a coffee or drinks date with three, and end up with a toss up between boring, disrespectful, or fine but not for me. Sometimes all of them end up being disrespectful. I think of it as a luck of the draw – sometimes you get a series of winners, sometimes a series of losers, and sometimes a mix of both. Hopefully you’ll find a “fine and for me!” kind of guy soon. But your interaction with these duds is neither indicative of the general dating pool or you as a person.
Anon
Oh gosh, yeah. You just gotta wade through the nonsense to get to the good stuff. I met my husband two years ago on Tinder. My best advice is to be really choosy about who you swipe on. You’re under no obligation to swipe yes/say yes/do anything ever because “oh well maybe if…”
Irish Midori
*hahaha* Nancy Pelosi clap. Good for you. Sorry about guys being terrible. There are good ones, too, and I admire that you’re not wasting your time getting stuck on the bad ones. Good vibes your way for the next try!
Anon
I’m in the same boat as you so I can’t tell you from first hand experience that it’ll get better but my friend who was in the online dating game for years finally found a really good guy that we all approve of.
My experience has been that if they’re still available at my age (30’s) then there’s likely a (bad) reason and it’s slim pickings at this point. Here I was just taking my sweet time to discover myself and enjoy my freedom as an adult. Next thing I knew everyone already got married and left me in the dust. Why are people married so early????
Anon
Disagree with this. My dating life got immeasurably better in my 30s, and I got married at age 37.
A lot of the very quiet and very studious men blossom in their 30s, and – how to put this nicely – don’t have the entitlement issues of many men who spent their 20s sowing wild oats.
Anon
Don’t know where you live, but I live in the south and everyone I know got married right after college in their 20s. All the men in my industry (engineering) either have a ring or are inappropriately young. I’m sure the rare available/good ones exist, but like I said, slim pickings. It’s like searching for a needle in a haystack.
January
Your second paragraph matches my experience.
If you live in an area where people tend to marry young, try looking for someone who recently moved to the area (perhaps from a bigger or more northern city, where people tend to marry later …).
Anon
Ha, I think I went out with guy #1 (or at least someone with the same MO). After I got out of the date as soon as I could (knowing I was not interested), he leaned in for a sloppy on-mouth kiss. I have never ducked so fast in my life. It was almost comical if it weren’t so annoying. Dude, we’ve hung out for about an hour. I don’t want to make out with you.
Airplane
It gets better. These are just are just two duds. I entered the world of online dating apps when I turned 30 after a nightmmare breakup with a POS and having only ever met boyfriends in school. My forever single friends said it would be awful and they were right …but they were also understandbly burned out and a bit negative. Despite being assured he didn’t exist, I met a great guy in his 30’s, great career, owns his home, never married or divorced. Before him, I met crappy to meh to okay to great-but-not-for-me guys. It’s okay to sit in the suck and yes, it can suck! But if you’re looking for “it gets better,” I can say from where I am now, it does, it will!
Anon
Both are really manipulative. You set reasonable boundaries and they didn’t adhere to them.
Yes, there are good men out there who respect boundaries and will respect you. The whole “I am so into you that I can’t help but force kisses and dates on you” is gross.
Anon
Dating is the worst. I’ve gone on so many bad ones. The first guy I would have slapped. For the second one, did you suggest a day that works for you? Either way both guys sound like you’re better off without them. I’m honestly thinking about dating just for fun rather than looking for a bf/husband. I just want to take the pressure off and enjoy my life right now.
Another anon
Guy #1 – What is with trying to have dinner with and kiss someone who clearly wants neither of those things? Please feel free not to be “nice” when someone is ignoring your boundaries like this!
Guy #2 – You dodged a bullet. Kudos to you for screening this guy out before you wasted time getting a drink with him.
And yes, I second others’ comments that there are better guys out there. Sometimes you just get a string of duds and it’s demoralizing.
Senior Attorney
When I was single and bemoaning the state of the dating pool, my therapist told me “most men are unsuitable.” For some reason I found that terribly comforting, if only because it lowered my expectations and made me stop being surprised when I had experiences like the ones you describe.
Fortunately “most” =/= “all.” There are good ones out there and it only takes one!
Ellen
I agree with you, and January (above). Men can be duds (as they think we too are duds if we don’t have s-x with them immediately). FOOEY on that! The RIGHT guy is hard to find, and we are the right woman ONLEY for the right guy, so when you do find the right guy, you will know it and you will just have s-x with him and NOT be troubled by it. Good luck to you!
Anon
Due to a combination of medical issues and participating in athletics into my 20s, I haven’t had a p eriod since I was about 16. I’m 29 now and am on no medications/the pill and had my first one this month. My doctors expect I may have regular cycles/p eriods through menopause now. I just read about Thinkx/Dear Kates on this site recently and am wondering if there are any other “advances” or products in this area that I either wouldn’t have heard about as a teen or have come around in the last 15 years. I have no sisters and my mom is older so just wouldn’t be on my radar!
Cb
Sometimes the adhesives on disposable pads irritate my skin so I’ve switched to reusable pads and I recommend them.
Anonymous
Ewwwww how is this not incredibly gross?!?
Idea
Because she changes them and washes them.
How are you not thinking?!
Vicky Austin
Cb, I’ve been considering a switch to reusable pads – were there any resources that helped you with Reusables 101?
Anonymous
I use them! I have plugged this etsy site before, but check out mamabearbabywear on etsy, she will work with you on colors/fabrics. I wash them with my regular clothes, on cool. It’s not grosser than anything else period-related.
lsw
+1, I love reusable pads. I use them with tampons and when my flow is super light.
Veronica Mars
Menstrual cups are now a thing. Also, if you’ve tried pads in the past and not liked them, try the “L Organics” brand at target. They use cotton, so they feel like regular underwear and not that plastic-y, diaper-y pads that some other brands are like. Just read the packaging very carefully. All of them have “ULTRA THIN” right across the front, but there’s actually liners, overnight pads, etc. in the smaller print so you get the right one.
Anon
I am a huge fan of the diva cup. Just make sure you trim the bottom part so it fits you comfortably. Its cheap and eco friendly and so easy to pack. I don’t need to purchase, pads, liners, special underwear, tampons etc. Don’t need to worry about running to the bathroom every few hours. Don’t need to bring extra supplies with me on trips. etc. Have been using it for over 14 years and can’t imagine doing anything else.
BB
Cosigned! If it works for you, it’s like the best thing ever. Never leaks, only needs to be changed 1-2 a day, nothing hanging “out there.” It’s AMAZING.
Anon
+10000 to my Diva Cup. It is the best.
Anon
Ok real talk. How do you change that thing in the work bathroom. You need to rinse it in the sink, right? So do you carry it out of a stall in all of its gory glory, with messy hands, and wash it in the work sink? I mean, yuck! I used to use a diaphragm for birth control and you were supposed to leave it in for a certain number of hours after nooky, and I had the same uncomfortable situation.
anon
You can’t, for all the reasons you mentioned. The Diva Cup was not life-changing for me, unfortunately!
Anon
It usually only needs to be changed once every 12 hours, so I clean it out in the morning at home, and at night before bed, at home. Never had an issue.
Anon
You do not need to rinse it every time you use it. I just dump the contents into the toilet and then wipe it out with toilet paper and when I am at home I rinse it. It is silicone so its not at a risk for TSS. If it has had a good seal then its all kept inside and your hands do not get dirty. I do make sure I either wash my hands before going to the bathroom or use a bit of hand sanitizer on them before I stick my fingers up there to grab it but thats it. I honestly wash mine out every morning when I wake up and then once when I get home – twice a day. The rest of the time I just wipe it out with toilet paper. Also I only need to empty it out about 3 – 4 times a day. It lasts for 8 hours.
Anon
Also – what you might not realize if you have always used a tampon or a pad is that your period is actually lining. Tampons and pads break that up so when it can just be caught in a cup its often one big piece of lining and easily falls into the toilet from the divacup. Its rarely like a shot glass of pure liquid.
Anonymous
I was convinced it wouldnt work for me. I’ve had four vaginal deliveries, have pelvic floor issues and was a person that had to change my tampon on every time I urinated. I decided to give a try more to figure out what its all about as I have daughters getting to that age. Wow, was I wrong. Life changing. So easy to insert. Much less gross than I imagined because it sits lower than tampons. I am so mad I didnt try it way sooner.
LifeScienceMBA
Cup was life-changing for me, too.
You can take a water bottle to the stall if you need to rinse, but as others explained above, you don’t have to change it as often as a tampon. I use cloth panty liners for extra protection, but rarely need it actually.
Anonymous
A super cr@ppy thing is happening to me at work and I don’t know if I want commiseration, advice, or just a place to rant, but here it is.
I’ve been working on a graduate degree in the evenings for several years. Everyone at work has been incredibly supportive, especially since it builds on the things I’m doing here. I will finish the degree in a few months and I have begun looking for higher-paid positions since once I finish, I will be overqualified for my current job. However, these positions in my field are relatively rare and it’s normal for it to take a year or more after finishing the degree to find a job that uses it. I knew this going in, and I’m ok continuing to work in my current position for as long as it takes.
Unfortunately, everyone at work is acting like I’m leaving really soon. Projects that would have been mine are being reassigned to other people. I’m not being kept in the loop anymore about new initiatives or things that I would usually work on, and I’ve been asked to train coworkers on how to do my job. It seems like every day, I have less work to do and more people are taking over my responsibilities. I’ve tried to make it clear that I’m not going anywhere for a while by doing things like volunteering for long-term projects and brainstorming new ideas for upcoming initiatives, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
The worst part is that when I’ve addressed this with my supervisor, she’s basically denied it’s happening. Because I don’t have a really long work history, I approached her about being a reference when I apply to jobs, saying that I expected to continue working here for a while but I wanted to be prepared when something opened up. She warmly said that she’d be a great reference and she was happy that I would be staying for a while. Later, I asked why I wasn’t being put on a new projects, and she said that she thought my plate was too full. My plate is nearly empty! I’ve cranked my job search into high gear, but it might still be a while. If it takes too long, I’m worried I won’t have any recent projects or experience to point to in my applications.
Anonymous
To believe that you would continue to get high quality, exciting or good work when you have expressed that you are on your way out, strikes me as unreasonable. Given that you are actively job hunting and that your employer knows that, they have to plan for your departure and that is the responsible thing to do. That your company is willing to keep you knowing that you’ll be gone at some undefined but near date is good luck–though it’s not reasonable to think that will last.
LAnon
I think you should count your blessings – you say everyone was supportive of you while you were in school, and it sounds like they are basically giving you space to find your next thing while still working there. It’s unreasonable to expect them to operate entirely on your schedule – they’re supposed to give you great, interesting, high-priority work up until the day you decide to give your notice? Be grateful that they’re being as supportive as they are and use the extra time to accelerate your job search so you can make the switch before they start to be resentful that you’re spending so much time there with one foot out the door.
Anon
Not to pile on, but it sounds like you are expecting your manager to put you first, and she just can’t. She has to put the company first. She has no idea how long your job search will be, and she’s staffing to accommodate the company’s needs. You should reframe your thinking a little bit because your expectations don’t sound realistic.
Yoga at home
The posture post reminded me of this question: Recs for a good, preferably free 10-20 minute yoga routine video I can start doing at home? I am not looking to fully pick up the practice again (and would do a studio if I did), but I need to do some extra stretching and strength building to help prevent running injuries.
Carrots
Yoga with Adriene on youtube. She’s got a couple of playlists that she sorts by the length of the session, so you should be able to find something in the shorter end.
Gail the Goldfish
Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube. I use her videos based on a prior recommendation from here and they are good (plus she has a cute dog that occasionally wanders past). She’s got a playlist for short videos (I think <20 mins). She also has a specific "Yoga for runners" video.
Anon
My favorite YouTube yoga video by far is “Morning Yoga and Meditation Routine for Self-Love” by Caren Baginski. It’s under 20 minutes and she has a soothing voice (she dubs over the video, so you only have to listen to the echo-y yoga studio sound for the first 30 seconds as she says hello).
Dlc
There is a podcast called 20 minute yoga, which I really enjoy. I like that it is a podcast so i feel like I get a chance to unplug while doing yoga. ( Often when I do a yoga video, I feel a little overstimulated from the screen time.)
They have picture guides of all their practices if you need them. The newer episodes are videos, but if you go back to their earlier episodes, those are audio only.
Anon
Yoga with Adriene! This month’s theme is Care. She has a calendar of which videos to do every day, all for caring for the mind and body. Most of the videos have been 10-20 mins this month. Everything is free. I really enjoyed this years 30 days of yoga called dedicate. The first two workouts were long, an hour, or 45 mins, but almost everything after that were less than 30 mins. :)
LifeScienceMBA
Down Dog app is good for this! You can choose level, length, and type of routine.
Anon4This
I’ve been making $X and hating my technical consulting job.
I have a phone interview on Thursday for a sales job, selling to people like me (and their managers, tbh). The sales position is for $X + (40%*X)
Please talk me up and encourage me if you can. I have minor-league sold some stuff in the past but obviously this is different. I can do it, right?!
lsw
Yes! You can do it! You got to the phone interview stage because you’ve got the chops. Now you just have a chance to show them what you know. You got this.
Signed,
just got myself a new job with a big raise despite major impostor syndrome
Curly
I made a recipe last night involving a bunch of egg whites, so now I have 6 egg yolks in my fridge. What are some of your favorite ways to use up egg yolks?!
C
Homemade lemon curd! Look up Alton Brown’s recipe on Food Network. Super easy and tasty.
Idea
Joan Nathan’s challah recipe uses 5 egg yolks!
French toast.
Meatloaf.
You’ll be fine.
Anon
I made vanilla pudding with leftover egg yolks and it was okay, although I probably wouldn’t bother again unless I were making it as part of some more elaborate dessert. I’d go with the lemon curd recommended above.
Anon
You can float them raw in Asian style noodle soups. The hot broth will gently cook them. I actually like an egg yolk better in this application vs a whole egg.
Belle Boyd
Creme brulee!!!!! My favorite dessert!!!
Irish Midori
I’ve been wanting that kind of excuse to make frozen custard with my under-utilized ice cream churn.
DLC
Key Kim pie! The smitten kitchen recipe is great.
Senior Attorney
My new favorite company dessert: https://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/berries-with-tequila-cream
anon
Sorry to be a downer, but fyi, I learned in getting my professional food-handler’s permit that it’s only safe to keep eggs pooled for 3 hours. Entirely your call, of couse.
Anonymous
What does “pooled” mean? Are you saying that, once removed from the shell, refrigerated egg whites and yolks are only safe if they’re used within 3 hours?
Curly
I just looked at foodsafety.gov and it says raw egg yolks can be kept in the fridge for 2-4 days. I didn’t leave them sitting out or anything.
These are all great suggestions! Now I’m daydreaming of sweets…
Anon
https://www.foodsafety.gov/keep/charts/eggstorage.html . I don’t know where you have your facts from but foodsafety.gov says 2 -4 days not 3 hours.
Dating vent
I’ve been dating casually for a few months, and been having a good time but haven’t met anyone I would want to pursue anything serious with. I’ve always thought I had a pretty healthy view towards dating – I don’t over think things and I can usually tell when there is chemistry, when there is good flow, and when it is just physical. Then on Thursday, I went on a first date with a guy I met online (chatted off and on for a couple weeks), and had the best time I’ve had on a first date in a while. In full disclosure, there was one flag where past dating stories came up and he volunteered that he was going on a fourth date with a woman the next night and that they had already slept together, but I chalked it up to a momentary awkward slip of TMI. However, it seems that my gauge was way off; I didn’t hear from him so I sent him a quick “had a fun time” text with an innocent follow up question referencing something we discussed on our date on Saturday, and he finally got back to me Sunday evening with a clear shift in tone, basically just responding that he was sorry for the late reply, answered my question succinctly, and saying he hoped I enjoyed the rest of my weekend. No openings for further conversation or reciprocation that he had a good time, so I responded accordingly and that was that.
Like I mentioned above, I’m usually pretty good at assessing the success of a first date, and I am so disappointed that with the first guy I’ve been excited about in a long time, I was so off base. Just needed to throw out a vent because while rationally I know that he probably just preferred the other girl he has been dating, or didn’t feel the same, both of which is fine, it was only a first date, for some reason this one is really bothering me and I am feeling really discouraged..
Anon
One theory: he is extremely good at making people feel really comfortable with him very quickly.
Dating vent
Yea, I thought about this too – and it does tend to be a quality I am attracted in guys in general, which has its own pitfalls, but I’ve never been a “victim” of it, so to speak. Rather I’ve always just observed it in the guy’s interactions with others (which he was).
Anon
Modern dating can suck – don’t forget to be kind to yourself. You’re both on a first date, so you go into it hoping you’re on a level playing field. He’s warm and fun, you should be attracted to that. It’s is odd to me that he told you he’d slept with this other gal, but at least you know there’s already a horse that’s further ahead of the rest of the field. I’ve had this happen after great first dates. Proceed with optimism but be prepared for it to stall out. I’ve started to bluntly say at the end of the first date, “Hey, I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, do you think you want to get together again? OK, let’s figure something out at the end of next week.” I don’t think this is the norm, but it’s working OK for me so far.
Also, you have to let people show you who they are. There was a dude I was talking to pre-first date who said a couple things to me that were confusing/didn’t make sense based on our conversation. It ended up there was another girl he was talking to with the exact same name as me, he confused us. He was sorry and felt bad once he realized what had happened. We went on three dates but he was very sweet but scattered as a person and just not right for me. The initial slip was definitely a signal. To be fair to him, we’re all online dating here, and it’s hard to keep track of 5 or 6 conversations – who did I tell what? Which John did I like again? Ugh.
Dating vent
Thanks for such a thoughtful response, it really struck a chord with me.
Anon
But you didn’t necessarily fall for anything here/weren’t a victim? You had a lovely date and then he decided he didn’t want to keep seeing you. No harm, no foul.
anon
I don’t think you’re reading her post correctly. She didn’t say that she was a victim or that he did anything wrong. She’s implying that she feels like she’s never misinterpreted a person’s naturally charismatic personality/ability to connect easily as romantic interest before, where as here, perhaps she did.
Dating vent
I don’t feel like a victim of anything – prob a poor choice of words, I just meant in the past when I’ve been attracted to these types of guys, they weren’t just “making me feel comfortable”, they genuinely had interest in me. I also never said I blame the guy for anything. No harm, no foul, yes, but like I said, for some reason this one is making me feel discouraged, I think because my normally accurate radar was so off.
cbackson
I am the female version of this and I know that there have been lots of guys who thought we had a great date and were confused when I didn’t want to go out again.
Dating vent
Fair, I’ve been the female version of this more often than not, but I’ve handled the let down differently than this guy did with me. Or rather, I guess the conversation flow is a bit different because usually I am just nicely refusing a second date on a timely basis, rather than a conversation fade via drip ghosting. *Not a real term as far as i know =).
Before people jump at me and say I can always ask him out, it is clear to me (no confusion here) from our last exchange that he would say no, so I don’t see a reason to bother.
Anonymous
I’m sorry, this sucks. It’s so hard. I really hate the – even if I’m super into someone, I’m going to keep dating other people until we’re DTR Exclusive because I don’t want to feel rejected by being functionally exclusive before I know that s/he is exclusive too. I mean, I’ve done it so I get it. But I stopped for basically this reason. I’m either going to waste someone’s time because I’m already falling for someone else, or I’m going to make myself doubt what I’m feeling for Guy A because now I just had a great time with Guy B.
Anonymous
No advice, just commiseration. This happens to me too and always makes me question my judgment.
Anonymous
Is this a man/woman thing? I rarely notice these things but felt weirdly excluded. I work for 3 directors – 2 women (age 50+) and 1 man (probably age 40-45). Good reputation at work etc. I’m not necessarily a warm person though am nice, my coworkers like me etc. The guy director LOVES our junior associates — all 3 are pretty, very chatty etc. He’s ok with me because I run his cases but on occasion has made comments like “wow you’re the bad cop aren’t you” (while the female directors always compliment my questions etc). So this morning, I’m walking by the juniors’ office and they stop me to tell me something. I’m in the doorway chatting (very normal for the office), guy director joins the conversation which is fine and over 5 min we go from me in the doorway, to sharing the doorway, to him stepping in front of me, standing in the middle of the doorway with arms on both door frames basically blocking me out of the conversation. Is this me?? Or his way of telling me he doesn’t like me? He’s a social kind of guy so this isn’t some awkward move.
Anon
Sounds like he is a d!ck. I’m sorry you have to work for him.
anon
Yeah, I don’t think this is a man/woman thing, this guy just sounds like a total jerk.
Anonymous
Yeah. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like you. It sounds like he likes the feeling of hero worship he gets from young, pretty women and he lets that override otherwise basic niceties.
Anonymous
I work with a more senior partner who loves our junior associates, but generally excludes me (I’m a junior partner). I think some senior people – men, woman, whatever – are more comfortable with the very junior people because the relationship is very clear and they like the feeling of hero worship. The relationship is more complicated with people who are your equals in work status.
Anon
Were the m0d queues reset? I had been out of m0d for a while but am back in it now, even with the same name and email address saved. Seems like lots of other people are in the same boat because comments are appearing in large groups today.
Anon
I don’t think I ever made it out of the mod queue. It’s been a non-starter to try to get an update on how that works, though. Have given up hope even though I’ve been a daily reader and contributor for 8-9 years.
Showing My Age - And Not Happy About It!
Help!!! I’ve always been fortunate to have what I was told was “good skin” — maybe it was good genes or whatever, but I never had breakouts as a teen, and always took care of my skin and always managed to look a good 10 years younger than my age. I was forever getting carded when friends and I would go out.
Then this weekend I caught a random glimpse of myself and oh.my.word…. I look OLD. I don’t really have wrinkles, other than two really deep lines between my brows, but my face looks really droopy. My cheeks don’t look full anymore. They’re saggy and my skin just looks dull. I need something that will fix this — I was online trying to research night creams and I’m now just totally confused. I’m sure I need something firming, but what works the best (and the fastest!) And preferably something budget-friendly, I saw things online that ran into the hundreds of dollars and got panicky. While I want to save my complexion, I also need to save my bank account, too! Anything anyone can recommend?
Irish Midori
I’ve been mixing a pump of this in with CeraVe cream for hands and face every night, and have recently gotten random compliments on my skin (which is a weird thing to complement, imo, but I’ll take it): https://www.amazon.com/Organic-Rosehip-Seed-Oil-Moisturizer/dp/B00IP42FBA?th=1
Could just be that I’m finally moisturizing on the reg, but whatever works.
Anon
Lancome Genefique is my go-to. It’s $78 for a bottle, and every time I think, “Oh, my skin looks great, I don’t need it anymore,” I skip it and then catch myself in the mirror and wonder what the heck happened to my complexion. There’s a bonus at Macy’s right now and you can choose your moisturizer, so you can experiment with night creams and eye creams.
Anon
If you are not already: eat a lot of vegetables and avocados, and get some exercise.
Lana Del Raygun
The only “anti-aging” product with real evidence behind it is retinol (and its ilk), so look for one of those. To make your skin look brighter and more “full,” you probably need to hydrate it. My personal go-to is rose toner (I use Thayers) followed by hyaluronic acid (I get mine from The Ordinary; they have retinol as well but I don’t have any experience with tha), and CeraVe in the tub as my moisturizer. And real sunscreen if you don’t already use it.
Anonymous
I’m having a really good experience with “its ilk” right now (retinaldehyde), after repeatedly failing to tolerate or benefit from prescription retinols. I’m annoyed because the product I’m using is expensive and OTC, but I’m happy it’s working for my skin.
I also have had a good experience with hyaluronic acid (Korean brands) for moisture.
CostAccountant
+1. Retin A is one of the few things that is scientifically proven to work. Obtain from a doctor or Curology.
Anon
I have similar skin to you, never had any real issues but started noticing aging. If your skin is suddenly looking droopy, dull and otherwise unfamiliar, you might want to see a dermatologist. It’s weird to just look like that within a very short period of time – could be an underlying issue. I know when I’m sick or have had vitamin deficiencies my skin had a sallow look, under eye shadows and bags came (which contribute to the “droopy” look), the texture just looked off and older.
If you’re medically ok, I recommend looking into Curology as a cheap and effective way to move forward. Dermatological nurse practitioners review your answers to a questionnaire (which includes medical history) and close up pictures of your skin from three sides to make a custom formula for you. I’ve had several people tell me it works wonders and I’m a recent convert (too soon to tell how it helps though for me personally). My monthly subscription is for the custom serum which is about $35 a month and includes retin-a and some other “good for my skin” stuff.
Other than curology, what has left my skin “glowing”, supple and clear has been a few simple to use products:
Oil cleans – if I have on makeup – Neutrogena or a random oil food grade oil from around the hosue
Foaming wash – Neutrogena combination gentle skin wash,
Sleep pack – just a nighttime heavy moisturizer full of vitamins and serums – Tony Moly Banana Sleep Pack (usually hovering between $10 and $15) and Moistful Collagen Sleep Pack from Etude House ($12) are my faves although I’ve heard good things about Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Overnight Hydrating Masque)
Under eye cream morning and night – Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Anti-Wrinkle Eye Cream (recommended by the Curology nurse)
Lighter moisturizer for daytime with SPF – I am not loyal to a brand, so long as it is free of parabens and phthalates
Anon
+1 to curology. This one is a no-brainer for me. Customized rx products for $25 a month? Sign me up.
Anon
An AHA peel pad was a game changer for me. Sephora has a great collection but I favor Cane + Austin, which is pricy ($88 retail) but at around once or twice a week lasts at least six to eight months.
JuniorMinion
I have had the best results with 1) wearing sunscreen religiously 2) following a skincare routine based around gentle cleansers and an appropriate amount of moisturizing. “Dull” skin could be dehydrated / dry skin.
There are products (vitamin c, retinol, exfoliants) that will also help. I personally use Korean skincare products and layer things according to a some good online resources (fifty shades of snail, snow white and the asian pear). That being said, at some point I think nothing stops the age train all that much and aging with grace and health is something to strive for.
Anonymous
Drink more water and take a multivitamin. I’m a huge skincare addict. I use All The Products. But I’m also the first to admit that nothing is as good for my skin as being properly hydrated. Start by upping your water/vitamin intake and then see where you are in like 2 weeks.
Anon
Along those lines, eat lots of colorful food. I really find my skin glows if I switch out my usual granola bar for a flat of raspberries or blueberries, my skin will be extra good within a week. I sometimes do this before I have to make an appearance.
Anonymous
Botox, fillers, IPL
Lol at night cream
Anonymous
+1, and also, microneedling.
Leah
Depending on how far you want to go down this rabbit hole, there are several excellent Reddit communities with a ton of background resources and product reviews with photos. SkincareAddiction, AsianBeauty, and 30PlusSkinCare are good places to start. They also recommend a variety of other sites/blogs.
Irish Midori
*hmph* I’m cranky today. No particular reason, maybe it’s just the cold wet weather and Monday after a crappy weather weekend in which I had a boring and disappointing meeting. Oh well. I guess I don’t have any meetings the rest of the day. I should just close my door, turn on some angry girl music, and hate the world for no reason to my heart’s content. Y’all do this too sometimes, right? Not just me?
SW
You just described the last month or so of my life… so, not just you!
Lana Del Raygun
I do this too, only for me it’s old-timey folk music about murder.
Anonymous
Please share your playlist, this sounds delightful.
Lana Del Raygun
– Pretty Polly
– The Banks of the Ohio
– Poor Ellen Smith
– The Murder of F C Benwell
– The Murder of Maggie Howie
– also just search “murder ballad”
Fair warning that most murder ballads are about women getting murdered by the suitors they reject. It’s very much a dark mood playlist, not riot grrl with banjos.
Exceptions, where men get what’s coming to them:
– The False Knight Upon the Road (Pete Seeger)
– Frankie and Johnny
– Katie Morey (not murder)
Vicky Austin
Lol, ditto.
Not that Anne, the other Anne
Yep. I refer to it as wearing my Grumpy Pants.
Scar question
I burned my hand about 2 weeks ago. Medically I’m 100% fine but there is a flat scar. Once it’s healed it’ll probably look like a birthmark, but that will probably take a few months.
This could be an unnecessary concern, but I have some interviews coming up that aren’t that formal – so I won’t be wearing a suit (start up). And it seems like most of my shirts/cardigans are 3/4 sleeves, and this is so far up it won’t be covered.
So what’s the best option:
1 ) Leave it open (medically this is fine)
2) Black compression wrist band (supposed to wear this sometimes anyways)
3) Something more medical looking like a gauze wrap
4) You’re overthinking it, it’s a medical issue, no one cares
Anon
Ha, I’d say both 1 and 4. Good luck with your interviews!
BB
I’d go for a mix of 3 and 4. It’s not a big deal, but I probably wouldn’t leave it open if it’s still healing since it might look a bit gross to some people. (They’d be wrong to think that, but it’s an interview and you don’t want any distractions.)
Vicky Austin
Unless you’re interviewing for Director of Fire Safety, gently, it’s #4.
Lana Del Raygun
+100
Scar question
I think part of it is the way it happened involved me being (a little) stupid, so I don’t want to talk about it and seem stupid during an interview. But it’s helpful to know I’m definitely overthinking it!
Irish Midori
If you go with #2, you may want to find a way to drop in an explanation. I know they aren’t supposed to, but some interviewers are going to mentally note first, “carpel tunnel” and next, “workers comp claim.”
Anon
I will dissent and say 2. I had a huge bruise on my hand a few months ago and went to a committee meeting and I noticed a number of people staring at my hand instead of me when I was speaking (I do talk with my hands so it was, I guess, irresistable bait.)
Anon
Are you sure they were actually staring at your hand though, and that you weren’t just overly sensitive to it? Because honestly, I bet they weren’t.
Anon
Sorry this happened. Could it be covered with a flesh-tone bandaid? Commiseration: I have a half-dollar sized burn scar on my hand that most people don’t notice at first. It’s the same color as my hand now and is mostly noticable because the skin texture is smoother there and wrinkles differently. The incident was in 6th grade, it’s an 18 year old scar – it’s almost funny when someone who has known me for a while finally notices it and goes “OMG what happened to your hand!”. It has faded and diminished over time to the point where I don’t notice it myself unless someone else does or I’m thinking about scars.
Scar question
They don’t make many flesh toned bandaids for dark skinned people :( They make athletic wrap in tan, bright blue, neon pink, purple, green . . . but not dark brown.
Anon
Boo! I see it’s more on your forearm – any chance you could get a couple longer-sleeved blouses? I personally would like the peace of mind of not worrying about it when I’m focusing on an interview.
Scar question
Yeah that makes sense, why worry about this during an interview. I can get a black full sleeve shirt and then not think twice about it.
Anon
Target has a dark brown bandaid line now I believe fwiw.
Anon
https://www.target.com/p/tru-colour-adhesive-bandages-purple-20ct/-/A-53110383
1 option, but they have a bunch.
anon a mouse
Depending on how big the area is, can you cover with a large flat bandage? I wouldn’t leave it exposed.
Also be aggressive in applying Vitamin E cream, it really makes a difference with how quickly burns heal.
Scar question
It’s too large/in an awkward position to be covered with a bandaid. I realize I wrote hand but its really on my forearm, so it would have to be something that covers the arm.
And studies have actually shown that vitamin e either doesnt have an effect or may worsen the appearance of scars :(
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10417589
Anon
1, 4, or add a band aid if it’s bothering you. I feel like a band aid is more likely to be seen and forgotten than something that could leave them wondering, even in a kind and innocent–I wonder what happened to her hand–way.
DCR
I would go with 4. But if you are at all worried that it will make you uncomfortable/self-conscious, I would just buy a new shirt (assuming that a full sleeve, instead of 3/4 would cover it).
Anonymous
Coming in late, but what about a wristwatch or wide bracelet?
Anon
I’m 6 months into my new job and got yelled at/berated by a client today on the phone for 10+ minutes and ended up crying when telling my supervisor. I feel so dumb for crying, especially since our office is kind of a boys club and I’m usually not an emotional person. Everyone knows the client is crazy & we’re not going to keep them, but I’m overall embarrassed for “being a girl”.
Anonymous
I work with mostly men and I do cry on occasion when I have a stressful client. My manager has expressed to me that he understands it’s tough, that I work on a team and I’m a valued part of it, and that he likes my work. I feel comfortable here. When I lose my shit, even if I’m crying, I keep working. My work is good. Crying is just a thing my body does sometimes. I’d love to be cool as a cucumber but it just ain’t happening.
All this to say, crying is something that happens, it’s not the end of your career and it doesn’t mean you suck/go die. You can do this! Just keep working, keep doing that thing you do that you’re good at. Keep on truckin every day. You’re being a girl but what boys do is punch things and develop crippling alcoholism so crying is not so bad. Also, you’re blazing a trail for those who come behind you. One day “being a girl” won’t be a THING anymore and we will all be happier for it.
Make your mistakes, feel your feelings, do your work and bask in the knowledge that you are not wrong and you’re not alone.
Irish Midori
Don’t be. No one likes being yelled at, and it is unacceptable that a client thinks it is okay to make someone else feel that way, especially when that person has nothing to do with the client’s unhappiness. We who work with the public have all been there. If you work at a place worth staying, they will circle around you. Even better, they should call the client and tell them the behavior is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. (I have had to do this when people for whom I am responsible for were yelled at by clients. And yes, I have called clients and told them that if they have a problem, they may talk to me about it, but under no circumstances are they allowed to abuse my staff.)
Momofboys
That’s rotten and abusive.
You’re human and had a human response, easy does it on yourself.
Should this ever happen again, just hang up~no warning. You are not being paid to tolerate abuse. If the person calls back let it go to voice mail. When you return the call~at your leisure~It will be from a better mental perfsoective. Open the call with the preface “if you raise your voice I will end the call again without warning”
Anon
Girl, I feel you. I had a similar reaction last week to a situation where I should have stood my ground. And I’ve been kicking myself in the butt for it all week. People can be vile and you don’t deserve to be abused. I don’t know what it is that triggers my tears but it happens, especially when some dumb man is yelling at me. Just know you aren’t alone.
Anonymous
My partner works in an industry that’s still mostly men. Maybe it’s because there aren’t a lot of women around to witness it, but my impression is that there is plenty of crying.
Anon
Okay, I have a super basic question so please feel free to ask me how I don’t already know this basic information that most adults should know. I need a new (to me) car. My friend’s boyfriend is selling his car and it is great and I would like to buy it. I don’t have enough money to buy it in cash (I know, I know, all you frugal people here would do that, but it’s just not possible for me right now). How do I go about getting a loan for a car I’m buying from a private party and not a dealer? The only other time I’ve bought a car was the one I have now and I bought it from a dealership and they took care of setting up all the financing. Do I go around to a bunch of banks? Is there some website I can search for auto loans on?
Senior Attorney
If you qualify to join a credit union, that would be your best bet for a good used car loan.
And, uh, if you google “used car loans” you get a ton of hits.
Anonymous
Start with a credit union!
Anon
Yup, a credit union! You could even try a couple of different ones to see if you get a better rate at one over another. It’s super easy–you got this!
Also, as an aside, borrowing money for a car is generally a decent way to do so (hold debt, that is). The interest rates on secured loans are lower than unsecured credit cards and your payments are fixed so you’re less likely to draw it out and repay it way too slow.
Lateraling
Hey all — I just got an offer to lateral to a peer firm. The offer letter has the standard info but I’m wondering if others know how to navigate asking about the start date, how my bonus would be pro-rated, if my pro bono clients would move with me, etc. Would I call the recruiter back and ask and then sign the letter or would I sign the letter and then sort the rest out? Thanks!
mascot
Congrats on the offer. These are definitely all questions to ask before you sign the offer. Also, I assume that they’ve already run conflicts checks on your clients, including pro bono? Ultimately the choice to change firms is the client’s, but you will want to know if your new firm is even interested in bringing on these clients.
Duchess
Congrats! But: don’t sign the offer letter until you sort this stuff out, and then get the terms put into a revised draft of the offer letter. Have a call with the recruiter where you say that you’re excited to accept, and there are just a few points you wanted to confirm — #1 start date of XXX, #2 confirmation that bonus will not be prorated for 2019, #3 [any pre-scheduled vacation or other business points, etc.?]. On the pro bono piece, that may be more of a proposal for a conversation with the pro bono director or ethics partner at the firm, to understand process for bringing over clients — I’m not sure it needs to go in the offer letter.