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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Women with a masculine face tend to be more open to sexual relationship, is it true?
nutella
Flagging this for Kate, Kat, etc.
Cat
Again, Kat, this person seems to have submitted this ridiculous comment more than once. Thanks for cleaning it up below…
The Original ...
I’d say women who feel safe and are in the mood for this and who have someone they want to engage with tend to be more open to being in that sort of relationship… you can tel this about them because their face has a mouth on it and their mouth has a voice and that voice says this is what they want. (It sounds like you’re info seeking, so I’ll encourage this: if you don’t know if a woman is interested in that type of relationship with you, don’t look at her facial features, listen to her words.)
Thanks for your time, Troll or Info Gatherer!
RR
Interestingly, it wasn’t here first thing this morning, which suggests it was held up in moderation and then actually let through.
Cat
ooh you are right. Interesting indeed…
Anon
Wow, that policy makes even less sense now.
Fancy outfit
What does the hive think about sleek jumpsuits with skirt-like panels? They seem to be everywhere. I can see how they have to fit impeccably to look good — no bagging, waist in the right place, not too much or to little fabric up top. It seems very 2019, but I like them (at least in theory).
Is there any hope that one of you has found a pear-friendly version of this outfit (skirted fancy jumpsuit)? They are usually strapless/one-strap/other fancy neckline and not sleeved. I’m not sure if there is an official term for this garment yet.
The original Scarlett
You mean a jumpsuit with a convertible skirt? Like these? https://alexiamaria.com/product-category/convertibles/
I tend to like dramatic clothing, but after a closet purge of dramatic items that didn’t get worn in my actual,real life, I put a moratorium on buying such things. But for the right event, I wouldn’t rule it out.
Anonymous
Yes! Like those (but less spendy). I imagine RTR won’t really be an option due to the likelihood that stuff wouldn’t fit off the rack. I worry that at 5-4, everything will be too long, even with the addition of heels.
Anonymous
IMO, you should try RTR unless you go to multiple black tie events per year because this will look very dated very quickly. I think you’re over estimating the fit challenges, too, because your back view will be covered by the skirt. As long as the rise is okay — which is an issue with any jumpsuit– you should be in good shape. As for hemming, you could do a removable hem with fashion tape for the pants and have some leeway with the skirt (unless it’s very long).
All that said, as much as this could be a cool look, I think you’d find it extraordinarily irritating to wear — imagine the bathroom hassles of a jumpsuit with the extra challenge of a voluminous, wrinkle-prone skirt. I seriously think you’d need to step out of the thing altogether and hang it on the door.
Anonymous
I think they’re super cool but I’m also trying to get more wear out of my clothes. I’d rent one or borrow one in a second.
Never too many shoes...
Those are seriously gorgeous. I also like dramatic pieces.
No sports
I played sports in middle school at my walk-to-it YMCA and was mediocre but still played high school sports (and even made varsity in two sports). What do you think about being in a city magnet school that has a late bell schedule (kids may get home by 5:30 due to big-city buses going through rush-hour traffic and on interstates) AND also no sports (for middle school and high school)?
[We could provide exposure to tennis, running, and perhaps golf on the weekends, but I’m not sure how good you could ever get doing something once a week and you’re still missing out on the whole struggling-with-a-team thing that I think is important. Also, I think that exercising is just good for one’s physical health and mental health, and it happens more regularly when you do a sport at school. Plus, if you are bright and school is easy / boring, sports may exposure you to struggling, failing, and getting on with life in a way that I think is helpful later in life. I’m not a huge sportsball person, so these feelings are surprising to me. Maybe I should just accept that you have to give up things to get things in life and for a not-terribly-athletic kid to give up sports to be in what seems to be a great magnet program is perhaps not even a net sacrifice? Sometimes I miss living in a small town where you didn’t have so many choices to weight carefully . . .]
RR
Realistically, a lot of kids don’t have a real shot at playing high school sports for their school. Our school is really competitive for high school athletics. It’s big enough and has enough parents who are willing to pour money into private lessons to insure that “mediocre” athletes have little real shot at making the team. As a parent of mediocre athletes, I encourage my kids to try out, but I have to find other sport options for them outside of the “school sports” world. My daughter who enjoys occasionally playing golf just isn’t going to make a team that routinely sends women to Division I school golf teams. So, that said, I think there’s an increasing reality of having to find other ways to fill that for kids, and I wouldn’t write off an otherwise great school because of the lack of sports.
anon
I agree with this. We live in a public school district where the high school ranks usually makes the top 100 in the country lists. The graduating classes are not huge (~400) but competition is intense for EVERYTHING – academics, athletics, debate, etc. My daughter decided her sport was going to be her one thing in addition to academics, and I sometimes wonder if people understand how much time it actually takes. Keeping the varsity spot (1 of 10) requires training every single weekend and even on family vacations. There is no way I would have done what she does at 16.
I think this requires a look at how committed a child is likely to be to a sport since the time required to do something recreationally is significantly different from time required to do something competitively.
Z
I played soccer in the town’s youth league when I was 5 and 6. I hated it soooooo much and never really played sports again. I did the robotics team and orchestra in high school and I think those were perfectly good at giving me chances to try, fail, and work with a team. And I was interested in those things. See what other teams and activities the school offers!
Anon
I was a three sport athlete in high school, but I think I would have been better served by doing things like a robotics team and playing sports prohibited me from getting involved in other activities at my school. I don’t participate in any of those sports at any point after high school, and they didn’t create an exercise habit. I rarely went to the gym in college and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I found exercise that I actually enjoyed and would do consistently.
I think it is important for kids to be involved in something outside of classes. But what that thing is will be different for each kid.
Anon
If you are in a city big enough to have a magnet school, I have to image that there are other exercise and sport opportunities for you kid outside of school. They could take classes at a dance studio or at a karate school, they could pick up an unusual sport that is offered outside of school (crew? water polo?), they could take golf or tennis lesions, etc. I would not yet sports be the deciding factor on a school, especially when it sounds like they are not that interested in sports to start with.
Worry about yourself
+1
If the kids want to play a specific sport that most high schools have but this doesn’t, that’s one thing, but having been the dance/theater geek in school, I really don’t think everyone needs to play a sport and I know from experience that not everyone wants to, so it shouldn’t be a deciding factor.
Like Z above, I also had to play soccer as a kid. I couldn’t get into it, I did not like it, I wanted to be doing just about anything else. My mom and dad tried so hard to make me an athlete, coercing me into softball and basketball as well, and finally conceded when I got into theater.
Anonymous
I don’t think that everyone needs to be an athlete, but I think it’s awfully easy to be too sedentary without a scheduled physical activity to participate in.
I walked to school and walked to transit as a grownup, so I had a lot of built-in activity that I think kids don’t always get these days. Our kids aren’t athletes, but we’ve always done a lot of hiking with them and bike riding and camping. They have been on our “fun” swim team, and are only good in one stroke, and that has been a meaningful activity for them that they have enjoyed and the grownups are relaxed about needing to be good or you are not on the team. I wish they could have more of that, but it’s hard to find a place as a middling athlete, especially as you age. But there should be places for middling and even bad athletes.
anonymous
This is hilarious to me because your first statement is contradicted by your second paragraph. Your kids obviously don’t really need scheduled physical activity because you provide them with all those other opportunities. You can’t project and say the same is probably true for other people?
OP, I did not play sports and neither did my husband. We both did speech and debate in high school and college and succeeded in both team and individual events. We are successful professionals and work just fine in teams with others. For physical activity we lift weights,hike and cycle – I’m still not interested in team sports and never will be. Our son is also not interested in team sports and does karate and robotics team and is good with it. I have no idea where the idea comes from that the only way to learn teaming is by participating in team sports, but it’s extremely untrue. Probably people who peaked in high school playing for their high school sports team are the ones who keep the myth going.
busybee
I went to a magnet high school with no sports and that was fine by me! I was not an athlete by any stretch of the imagination. I was very into ballet though. I would be more concerned with getting home late than any lack of sports. Getting home at 5:30 doesn’t leave much time for an activity (at least not at a serious commitment level) and homework.
Anonymous
OP here. I think what has been hard in our city is that a lot of non-magnet schools get out at 2-3:30 and the bus rides are much shorter, so kids can do activities that are after school and before dinner. If you get home at dinner, a lot of sports facility use switches to grownup-based tennis leagues and the kid activities are always earlier. Running tracks aren’t always lighted at night. Golf just takes a long time, so it gets pushed to weekends except for visits to the driving range, especially when it is dark out at 4:30 (we live in a golf-mad area and I think I’d do my girls a disservice if they weren’t at least mediocre at it vs horrible or not exposed at all; “captains choice” and “best ball” are a big thing at work events).
It’s more the bell schedule + up to an hour bus ride home that becomes the limit on doing things outside of school, at least during the week.
Anon
What time do classes actually end? Is the school downtown or by other activities? If your kids want to do a sport outside of school, I would not assume that they would come home first. I think that it is more likely that they would go straight to it after school, which may mean hiring a driving babysitter or letting them take public transit.
Anon
What time do classes end? If it is 6, then I agree that you may have a hard time finding outside opportunities. But I think it is doable if classes end at 4-5, it’s just that you will have to focus on looking for opportunities around the school instead of around your house. So, the kid would go to school, outside sport, and then home for dinner and homework.
My bigger concern is how long are the class days. If school gets out later because they start later, that is one thing. But if the class day is longer, that could really harm their ability to do any extra activities.
anonymous
“I’d do my girls a disservice if they weren’t at least mediocre at it vs horrible or not exposed at all; “captains choice” and “best ball” are a big thing at work events).”
Sorry, it seems super-weird to me that you’re assuming your kids are going to keep living in your area and take the kind of jobs you’re talking about when they grow up, which is not at all assured. Do they not get to make their own choices and live their own lives? Some of what you’re saying is coming across to me as helicopter or competitive parenting, or like you have a need to live vicariously through your kids. Is that what this is really about? P.s. I am a parent myself.
mascot
I wasn’t athletically inclined as a kid and did not play school-based sports past the 7th grade. I did other activities that involved group/team mentalities including performing arts and academic activities (both included interscholastic competitions and travel). I also played church league basketball/softball which I enjoyed and I worked out on my own time. All this to say, there are often other options for these goals other than school sports. What does your kid want to do?
Anonymous
I don’t think it is a big deal unless your kid is dying to play for their school team. I went to a magnet school that had no sports (and no PE in high school – we had to do that once in summer school to graduate) but we were allowed to play on our district school’s teams. I did swimming through the Y, which was way more of a commitment than any of the HS sports would have been since it was year-round, twice a day, etc etc. But I had a stay at home parent that could help shuttle me around, although there were a lot of carpools and walking to the pool from school too. Does the school offer PE at least? Are there Y programs nearby you could join in?
Anonymous
Not even a sacrifice. I hated sports and still do. You don’t need to play a sport to get exercise. Also your kids are old enough to decide whether they care about this or not.
A.
I could argue both sides of this. For context, I’m an administrator in a private PreK – 12th grade school with a no cut athletic policy in the high school grades — you’re not guaranteed varsity minutes, but you’ll get to play JV/be on the team if you try out and bring your best effort. Also, I am not and was not sportsy as a kid. I’m learning that sports do more than exercise your body (which is also great!): they allow kids to build relationships outside of the classroom, build self-confidence especially for those for whom academics may be a struggle, and create/nurture relationships and bonds through the whole “team” mentality. FWIW, the team mentality can also be achieved in theater, robotics competition, forensics — anywhere a group of kids is working together towards a common goal. I do think co-curricular options are an important part of the fabric of school life if you can get them, but I also understand that’s a privileged point of view.
Anon
I’m always so disappointed when I hear of schools that completely fail to challenge their bright students.
Anonymous
+1. I get not having a football team, but supporting cross-country and track, a swim team (even if it just competes and doesn’t train together and relies on outside training opportunities) or other individual sports is surprising to me. I was a nerd in high school and did these sports and really relish that opportunity to establish life-long athleticism (or something like that).
Anonymous
Our schools tracked so extensively that sports were the only opportunity I had to interact with the rest of my school. I am in Big Law now, but I have friends who cut hair and are enlisted in the military and work at car dealerships and are . . . youth sports coaches. I never would have met those friends without sports. It was the only part of my education that felt truly democratic.
Anonymous
Our school was too small – 60 kids in the graduating class.
Anonome
Everyone I know who played organized sports as a kid has a life-long problem stemming from it. I got a tooth knocked out, and my dental implant is starting to fail now. My husband broke his leg sliding into a pothole on a poorly maintained baseball field, and he walks with a cane when it rains. He’s 40.
My sister is a HS teacher, and the number of kids she has on concussion protocol is astronomical. Football, soccer, cheerleading, gymnastics, they’re constantly bashing their heads in.
People have bad shoulders, bad knees, bad ankles…child sports coaches are often poorly trained and don’t teach proper form. I would NEVER let a child play sports. It’s not worth the risk of them struggling with injury the rest of their lives. Exercise can be had in other ways.
Anonnona
This is like saying you’d never let your kid drive a car. There are lots of risks in this world. I was a three sport athlete in high school, played intramurals in college, still do rec leagues and triathlons. Never any injuries besides some bruises. I did, however, break my ankle in a freak incident completely unrelated to sports.
anon
…I started competing in my sport when I was 9, was varsity in high school, and I’m in fantastic health at age 40, in large part because of the lifelong habits of fitness and discipline my sport instilled. I also went to a HS that had a no-cut policy. Every kid I knew played at least one sport and I don’t know anyone who is disabled as an adult due to a HS sports injury.
I do know a fair number of adults who struggle with their health as adults in part bc they didn’t pick up the habit of exercise early, though.
LaurenB
But the vast majority of adults don’t get exercise via participating in team sports. A child can still pick up healthy habits from walking/hiking, running, yoga, biking, etc. That’s what was so wrong with the PE of our youth — so much emphasis on team sports, when that’s not how adults typically stay fit.
ToS
Sometimes kids surprise us with their interests, and often they pick up what is interesting to the family. My youngest went out for swim team with friends, which carried him through elementary school. There is more self-consciousness with middle school. Tae Kwon Do is interesting now, as well as rec-league soccer. They have a good coach, which makes a BIG difference. That being said, soccer will likely fade with high school, though they may referee.
All of my kids walk, hike, and bikeride. We play tennis nearby. My husband now has knee issues, so the younger ones don’t have as much mileage in these as the older ones. We do get in the pool more often, though, and the indoor pool is a year-round opportunity for a small entrance fee. That’s how we are balancing it for now. We will likely have a bigger push for Scouts once soccer is over.
AIMS
I love these kinds of sweaters with suits. My favorites lately have been from Uniqlo (the merino short sleeve sweater, looks much better in person than in the pictures online).
Just wanted to say thank you for the responses the other week to my “i feel frumpy” query. I got two new dresses and tried to approach my closet with a fresh set of eyes and I am starting to feel better about thing. Appreciated!
Flats Only
Seconding the Uniqlo short sleeve merino sweaters. Quite flattering, good colors, and since they’re pure merino I find that they’re not smelly at the end of the day, and I’m comfortable hanging them up to air and wearing them a few times between washes. I wash them in a bag with the delicates, dry flat and iron, and they are holding up very nicely.
Anon
I liked this article in my local paper: https://www.berkeleyside.com/2019/10/14/could-you-not-fly-in-2020-from-sweden-to-berkeley-the-flight-shaming-movement-takes-off
My first thought is that the biggest gains to be made are in business trips. With Zoom and other meeting technology, we simply don’t need to attend as many meetings in person as we used to (I say this as someone who just flew San Francisco-DC for a one-day trip that I could have either skipped or remoted into). There are also train/bus options between many of the East Coast hubs (as well as some on the West Coast, but not as many). What can we do to push back on business trips when we’re not in leadership positions yet? My company is a B-corporation and I believe that this should factor into our decision-making.
Anon
I worry about this a lot. I don’t need to fly for work, but I’m dating someone who lives across the country. Either of us moving closer to the other is unrealistic for the next few years and ending the relationship because of our carbon footprints also doesn’t feel great, especially when we’ve both had trouble meeting people with connect with in our own cities. We are both big environmentalists (don’t drive, vegetarian/vegan, limit use of disposable plastics), and flying is a huge part of our carbon footprint. One of us flies to see the other every 4-6 weeks, which is a lot of carbon.
Anonymous
That plane’s going to fly anyway. It’s zero added carbon cost to have you on it vs not on it.
Anon
umm.. wont planes fly less frequently if enough people avoid flights?
Even 15 years ago, multiple flights a day between cities wasnt a thing.
Anonymous
How old are you??? 15 years ago there was exactly the same availability within the US. And flying between cities for one day meetings was absolutely a thing. If you’re looking at passenger numbers, that’s higher because the flights are fuller.
Julia
That’s… not how this works. The idea is, through collective action, reducing the demand for airline travel and reducing the total number of flights scheduled.
Anon
Not true. The fuller flights are, the more fuel is used. Sure, the airline will try to fill the seat with someone else and it likely will, but it’s not a reason to choose inaction. Over time, airlines will drop routes if usage isn’t high enough.
Anonymous
If a person weights about 200 pounds and has a 40-pound bag, that is almost a rounding error against the size of the plane + fuel. If you are the fifth person (assume 2 pilots, 2 crew) or the 205th person, your additional fuel burden is relatively minimal.
Planes often have to be deadheaded back, so I have been close to the lone passenger on a plane and it would have flown back to LGA/DCA/LAX/IAD for its next run even if I hadn’t been on it.
Anon
Anon at 9:34, this argument is like saying one vote in an election doesn’t matter. Yes, one vote in an election does not change the outcome, and one person on a plane does not change the amount fuel used. But if everyone has that attitude, the collective result will have an impact.
Anon
I don’t know if I buy that. Almost every flight I’ve been on in the last year has been full, especially since I tend to fly Friday and Sunday/Monday. It seems like I am adding to overall demand that influences the number of planes in the air. Maybe one single trip doesn’t change much for the airlines, but a habit of flying between certain cities at certain times at a certain frequency does.
Anon
Not true at all. Airlines will cut flights if there is less demand, so instead of 3 non-stops from Boston to Chicago each day (or whatever) there would only be 2. It’s happened before during periods when people were flying less for whatever reason (post-9/11, recessions, etc).
Anonymous
But post 9/11 + recession, businesses put end and to most work travel and many people were afraid to travel at first. Plus, people had less spending $. That’s a lot of macro changes all at once. I think that is different than micro changes adding up.
I mean, the Net Jets crowd isn’t going to start flying first class. And Davos isn’t going to happen by WebEx — people are going to fly privately to that stuff. Ditto Aspen in the winter. That stuff is crazy and avoidable. My flying out for a deposition is pretty much not a choice if I am going to keep a roof over my head.
anonshmanon
Businesses cutting work travel for budget reasons + people flying less out of fear can/should/someday might amount to the same reduction as businesses cutting work travel for environmental reasons + people flying less out of environmental concern. The first might have felt more like a necessary change while the second one feels more like a choice.
Anon
Congratulations on totally misunderstanding the concepts of supply and demand!
Anonymous
IDK For people deciding Big Things, everyone at every company looks fantastic on LinkedIn or a company website. They more important people or things are, the more they want to assess whether they are comfortable with you. That often involves meeting in-person.
I do wonder about Big4 firms — there is an office in my city and many other cities. And yet they are always sending people back and forth. Like why fly someone into my city, when you have plenty of CPAs already here. [I guess Big4 is like law or medicine — subspecialties and industry expertise.]
But when a group’s MO is to shame people for behavior they don’t like, they come across as bullies who need to grow up a bit. It’s fine to persuade people. This ain’t that though.
Monday
I don’t see any bullying in the article. “Persuasion” can take different tacks, but obviously persuasion efforts so far have not worked (to the degree that they need to).
I actually haven’t seen really any awareness of the environmental impact of flying until about the past year. I’m far from feeling like it’s too much to invite people to go a year without flying or consciously reduce their flying.
Anon
I’m the OP and I agree with this – there are some jokes about “bullying” in Sweden, but it’s clear that the movement is more developed there. I have thought very little about reducing my flight frequency until now and it’s not something that’s really come up on our endless threads about little changes you can make to be more green, but this article points out that you can save more carbon by skipping one cross-country flight than in a year of more modest changes.
Anonymous
It’s about the “flight shaming” movement. Shaming. It talks about people in Sweden feeling like they have to fly in secret.
Monday
I think everything else in the article points to the word “shaming” as cheeky and hyperbolic. It was probably used to attract eyeballs. It doesn’t present any evidence that people really are ashamed or keeping secrets about flights. We have lots of common terms in our own culture for issues that are not actually issues.
anon
FWIW, in German newspapers, I’ve also read about ‘flight shame’, although this was about self-awareness and shame an individual consumer feels, not about being shamed by ones surroundings.
anon
If you want to know numbers, the questionnaire on carbonfootprint.com takes a fairly fine grained snapshot of your consumption. It told me that by getting 100% renewable electricity, heating my house frugally (but it’s very drafty), walking to work most of the time, eating little meat and buying new things very rarely, I am already at the consumption level that would be sustainable for every human on earth. When I add my one transatlantic flight (to see family, not really negotiable), my footprint more than doubles.
Anon
I agree with the concern, but don’t know what the answer is. Basically, the only times I fly for work are for depositions and court appearances – not things I could do by phone instead. In theory, we could group depositions closer together so that we do multiple on one trip instead of separate trips, but I think I would get significant pushback from opposing counsel on that and I don’t want to do anything that could disadvantage my clients. And, fwiw, I always take the train when it is in the DC/NYC/Boston areas.
My pleasure trips are generally two trips a year to visit my family (flying from the East coast to the Midwest) and then one long vacation. I’ve already grouped my vacation time together so that it is one long trip instead of multiple shorter ones and don’t fly for short weekend vacations.
As sad as this makes me feel, as someone who does other things for the environment, I can’t see making any meaningful change in my flying habits. It would mean seeing my family less often or not taking the types of vacations I enjoy. Instead of pushing not flying, I think it would be significantly more successful to develop and push a meaningful carbon offset program.
Anon
The problem with carbon offsets is that we don’t have time to wait around anymore. We need to reduce usage NOW because offsets will accrue benefits by the time it’s too late.
Anonymous
I thought that the big problem with them was in the accountability / fraud department (that even if you wait for 20 years for a tree to grow, that would be fine, except that there wasn’t ever a tree).
anonshmanon
planting trees, although it comes with many long term benefits, is indeed no short-term carbon offset. But there are various projects that invest in upgrading to more efficient or more green energy sources where the local population can’t make such investments themselves. Atmosfair for example crowdsources money for more efficient cookstoves for remote areas, enabling them to cook while saving fuel.
Anonymous
I think it’s already too late. We’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic at this point. I think the energy being spent on how to prevent or reverse climate change would be better spent figuring out how to adapt cities and populations to the inevitable reality that’s just around the corner.
Anon
There is definitely such a thing as “how not to make this worse” you know. More attention should be placed on adaptation, but without change things could speed up much faster than humans can adapt. It only took 150 yrs to get here.
Anon
But a true carbon offset market would have benefits. First, it raises awareness. The concerns about flying have only really come up in the US over the last year and many people don’t think about it. Second, it does have a benefit, even if it is long-term. Third, it helps capture the true cost of flying, which is likely to make some people reconsider their flying habit.
Anonymous
I think it’s basically turned out to be a feel-good sham.
Anon
Is it a sham because it doesn’t work at all or because the companies selling carbon offsets are shams? I always thought it was the second, but maybe I’m wrong.
anon
I used to work in the carbon offset industry and I’m meh on the concept (we need to move toward a society that is structurally lower-carbon) and “scam” on most of the execution.
Take the money you’d spend on offsets and send it to a reputable nonprofit that does ecosystem preservation work.
Anonymous
I agree with train in DC-NYC-Boston work corridor, as does every co-worker I’ve ever had. They aren’t greenies necessarily and this has been a 20+ year thing. It’s just so much faster and less aggravating if you are going from center city A to center city B.
Anonymous
What I’d respect more is if people stopped Amazon Priming everything. I moved into a rental complex where I have to walk my trash and recycling out to a communal dumpster / recycling bin setup. The amount of cardboard from shipped packages from amazon / meal kid places is staggering (plus: no one breaks down their boxes or even pulls out packaging, leaving the hourly workers to do this task so the place doesn’t fill up; in frustration when the package trash overwhelms the area, it all goes into the dumpster so people can access the space, which really isn’t helpful).
It’s not just the cardboard, but the delivery trucks zipping everywhere, and it’s not like those delivery workers are paid fairly or well (and they may not even get employee benefits — I think that’s a lot of 1099 workers).
Anon
Definitely – that’s a big problem as well. Idk what you mean about “respecting” it more though.
Anonymous
I guess if people are really walking the walk? My ‘hood is all about “no plastic staws” especially lately but uses door dash / uber eats / meal kit delivery / amazon prime to a shocking amount even though we are a place with a 100 rating on zillow for walkability and people are usually paying a premium to live here. How do I know? I also see a ton of not-broken-down Amazon boxes and styrofoam flung into the recycling area. And have to dodge delivery vehicles that are rushing around / constantly double-parking and blocking traffic.
Anon
I agree. My favorite is people who don’t have a car for “environmental reasons”, but take ubers 2-3 times a day. I actually think Ubers are worse for the environment because they have to drive to pick you up and also drive around between rides.
Anon
I agree using Uber’s is still bad but the environmental impact of cars isn’t just about miles driven. Not having a car absolutely decreases environmental impact by eliminating all the terrible impacts of production. Same reason why in general driving an older less fuel efficient car is usually more environmentally friendly than buying a new hybrid
Cb
I worry about this loads. I do one Transatlantic flight a year to visit my parents and then 5-6 short-haul flights a year. I’m trying to avoid short-hauls within the UK but some places you can’t get to within a reasonable amount of time or for a reasonable cost.
Anon
I would suggest it to the right people. This would go over well at my company where we are already trying to be more mindful of how we ask people to work (i.e., could that 8AM meeting be at 10AM to reduce peak commute pressure) and are concerned about climate change. I’d send the article along to whoever makes sense at your company. I don’t think it needs to be all or nothing, but a “we will also be thoughtful about travel” mindset could make a real difference over time. Travel for everything is a bad corporate habit we should be working to change for a lot of reasons.
Anon
I think the biggest problem with flying and things like Amazon delivery is that travelers/consumers don’t bear the full cost. Air travel is shockingly cheap. So is amazon prime. Getting people to make changes at an individual level is incredibly difficult. We need policy changes that include reducing subsidies/charging companies the price their products actually cost the environment. Companies would reduce in person meetings requiring flights if the cost doubled.
Anonymous
Yeah the cheap flights are a problem; from non-major international airports, at least, they’re unpopular routes that involve a lot of inefficiency. I’m convinced it’s a marketing ploy. Airlines lure people with the promise that they can fly from the east coast to Europe for $300 oh but really we’re going to fly you to Newark/Boston/Chicago first, then Heathrow/the nearest European capital, then the smaller airport you’re trying to get to. Or you could take a direct flight/flight plus train/flight with one not-backtracking layover for $1300. Some people will pay more for shorter travel time, but a lot of people will take the cheaper flight. If airlines stopped offering those backtracking, inefficient flights, you’d eliminate these super wasteful routes and you’d likely reduce the number of people flying.
emeralds
Nailed it. I understand the importance of living our values with climate change mitigation…but until there is real, structural change at a policy level, individual consumer choices are more symbolic than anything else. And there’s value in that.
But until mega-corporations like Amazon or Walmart or Monsanto or whoever else are forced to come to the table, I feel like we’re all just expanding a lot of energy on…plastic straws. Which I decline at every opportunity. But let’s not pretend that individual actions are going to fix a global crisis.
Anon
I feel like it’s all so hopeless in the face of what China alone is doing. A drop in the bucket.
anonshmanon
Seeing that China has become the largest producer of renewable energies, single-handedly bringing the price of solar into an acceptable realm on the world market, is now putting in place a cap n trade system designed to hold up their commitment of the Paris climate accord, while already having reduced their per-capita CO2 emissions by 20% in just 5 years, is really quite something.
But you don’t have to feel like reducing our consumption is a drop in the bucket, seeing that the average American consumes more than twice of what Chinese or even Western European citizen consumes. There is a lot of waste that can be avoided.
Anonymous
I echo a lot of others thoughts that there are probably bigger fish to fry in terms of making a dent in carbon consumption. I.e. corporations. However, I do think there’s some fat to trim in unnecessary travel. For the last few years I’ve taken all of my vacations close enough to home that I didn’t need a plane. I don’t have a car either. But I rented a car, took a bus, took the train, etc. I work in finance but it sort of blows my mind that some people have to make every pure leisure vacation (not to visit family) involve a flight.
Anon
Anyone else struggle with feeling like you don’t do anything “cool?” Sometimes I feel like I spend all my time going to work and being at work and then mindlessly scrolling the Internet when I’m not at work (or worse, doing chores or errands and having that be my “event” for the day). I’ve already removed Instagram and other apps from my phone and it’s helped, but I often default to “oh I don’t have enough time to go do anything so I’ll just waste this small amount of time online” and then it all catches up to me a month or so later when I feel sluggish and irritable. I’ve done a bit better this year than others and have tried some new things (surfing, rafting) and gotten into old ones (horseback riding) and I’ve gotten so much enjoyment out of it, but I still feel like I often have nothing to show for an average day. One of my role models has SO many different hobbies and interests that she pursues at fairly in-depth levels (and diverse things too – horses, art, guitar, and more) and she’s done it her whole life while working full-time. I want to orient my life that way too and I have a lot of my own interests, but why is it SO hard to get out of my own way and actually pursue them?? It’s like I’m faced with a window of time where I have numerous fun things to do at my fingertips, but my brain defaults to being lazy and scrolling Instagram even though I’m aware of the problems it causes. Has anything helped you carve out quality time for yourself that’s actually high-quality time? Has anything helped you REALLY put down the smartphone and unplug more? I feel like I’ve taken the basic steps I always read about (no notifications, no sound, etc.), but it’s clearly not enough. Would love any tips for unplugging and/or fitting in cool activities (including gentle things like reading/knitting/etc) into an average workday.
Anon
I would suggest coming up with things that interest you that can be done for a half hour on a weeknight. Which is not surfing, for most of us. Personally, I love reading books, and I spend 30-60 minutes every evening reading. This plus my commute means I read about a book a week plus much of the New Yorker, so I always feel like I’ve got something going on in my life even when I don’t have time for my other, more time intensive, hobbies and interests for a while.
Some other things that I can think of would be practicing a musical instrument (my neighbor plays piano in the evenings and it’s so lovely!) or a craft like knitting (which doesn’t have a ton of set up and break down time).
Anon
OP here and I love reading too, but that’s part of my problem – if I have 20 minutes left in my evening before bed, I’m like “ehh I won’t be able to get too far so I won’t bother” or “I’m too tired to think so I’ll just check Instagram.” It’s so dumb (if I’m that tired, shouldn’t I just sleep?) but it’s proving really hard to overcome in the moment.
Anon
I now read books on my phone, and I have probably read more books for fun in the past year than in the 5-10 years before that. Total game changer. My phone is always with me, so I can just sneak in a little reading here and there. I use the Libby app, which connects to my libary card, so it’s free e-books. And yes, it’s still phone time, but I have found it much more rejuvenating than insta/fb.
Anon
Thanks for this – I actually read books on my phone already and it’s been so convenient for my commute, but I prefer a real book or an ebook on a tablet for at home just to give my eyes a break!
Anon
Same! Read 62 books this year (some long and more serious nonfiction, many shorter YA or romance novels), and it’s been great!
Anonymous
Funny, I’m the opposite. When I try to read on my phone it’s way too easy to switch over to social media. I put my phone in another room and bring out my Kindle or hardcovers.
Anon
I’m the anon above, and I’ve struggled in the same way too — I made the habit about keeping the phone out of the bedroom. I have a charger on my desk which is in the living room, and I never bring my phone into the bedroom at all unless I am talking on the phone while sitting in bed. I also get ready for bed right after I clean up after dinner – so I get in PJs, brush teeth, do my skin stuff etc, and then either hang out on the couch or in bed until I’m ready to go to sleep. Somehow that makes it easier to just fall asleep or read rather than scroll. I also have a rule that I do not touch my phone in the morning until I’ve made my coffee – so no scrolling in bed in the mornings, unless I intentionally chose to do that on a weekend with my coffee.
busybee
Check a book out of the library. You’ll have to return it in a certain time frame and that will force you to read it when you can, or else you’ll miss out on the book entirely. For me it’s easier to accomplish something when I have a deadline.
Anon
+1 This motivates a lot of my reading (which I also do on my phone and on my kindle, so in theory it can sub in even for a just a few minutes of extra time that I could otherwise scroll Instagram). I check out books electronically from the library & the time limit/waitlists are a big motivator.
Has to be a book I’m into. When I’m not into it, my mindless scrolling goes way up.
Julia
I think Laura Vanderkam’s writings about time might be helpful, if you haven’t already read them. She is good at point out how little chunks of time throughout the day can really add up, particularly when it comes to low-transaction-cost items like reading a book or taking a walk.
She also has the concept of the anticipating self, the present self, and the remembering self. Basically, your anticipating self looks forward to doing something (going to an art gallery on a Friday night), but your present self once Friday night rolls around is tired and doesn’t feel like going. She said to push through and do it anyway, because you may be glad you did, and your remembering self will be glad to have had a nice evening out, rather than just another night of scrolling on the couch. She also notes that adding a variety of memorable experiences to our lives slows down time, which I’ve found to be sure.
I take a 10-minute walk away from my desk (outside weather permitting) every two hours or so at work, and that helps me feel really good. The fresh air is a balm.
I also have the Libby app on my phone, which connects to your local public library and allows you to borrow e-books for free at a moment’s notice. That way, if whatever book you’re reading isn’t interesting any more, you can just move on to something else, and you’re not wasting money paying for books. Try to replace mindless scrolling on your phone with reading a book you enjoy on your phone — it’s a small change but I think will feel a lot better!
Anonymous
It depends on how much time you are talking about? 20 minutes before bed isn’t going to fit in surfing but a podcast or something ‘quality’ online feels better for me than scrolling mindlessly. What about subscribing to an online magazine with some long form articles? Or buy a physical magazine or newspaper and work through it over the week. Personally I like English Paper Piecing (don’t think it’s very cool though!) as a something to keep my hands busy but is super easy to pick up and put down. It’s also nice to feel like your have a physical accomplishment but a large throw could take me a year so equally it doesn’t add to clutter. I listen to audiobooks while doing it.
Otherwise if it’s something out the house then I personally only do a ‘cool’ thing once a week at most. Working, seeing friends and housework wouldn’t fit in more than one session a week, maybe two. So maybe don’t beat yourself up so much, sounds like you are doing great!
Good Habits
Short answer: Read Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It’s about seeking happiness and forging habits that lead to happiness.
Longer answer: It takes about 21 days to form a habit. So commit to doing whatever it is that you want to do for 21 days and see if it sticks. I knit, and belong to an online group called Commit to Knit, every few months there is a knitting challenge where you commit to knit for 30 minutes a day for 30 days. It doesn’t need to be complicated, in fact, Becky, the woman who runs the group, suggests a really simple pattern. She provides inspiration and daily hints, but your only job is to knit, you don’t need to check in or read anything.
I’ve formed a number of habits this way. I read for 30 minutes a day, and knit for 30 minutes a day, and I do a 1 minute plank every day. I do yoga regularly, and I exercise regularly. I still have a phone habit, and there are times when mindless scrolling is actually the right thing to do for my tired brain.
Anon
I was in a similar place and managed to get out of it. For me, the key was to not be at home as much. So I have full evening commitments at least twice a work-week. The rest of the work week nights is usually more mundane stuff like cooking for dinners/lunches, laundry, reading, etc. For me, that level of business is enough to make it easy to ignore the mindless use of the internet. I’ve found that more free time = more internet time for me.
As far as how to convince yourself to do a “hard” hobby at home rather than something more mindless – I don’t have a lot of wisdom. I have all the stuff I need to do art at home, but somehow the idea of jumping in after a day at work is insurmountable…
Anonymous
Yeah, my house is the place where free time and plants go to die. Getting out of the house, usually in a class setting, is key for me. When I had a bit more control of my schedule, I would take a class once a week at the local art museum. They had pottery, photography, and various painting classes. It gave me something to look forward to every week and was a great creative outlet. I also like trying various workout classes, though I usually go in the morning.
emeralds
@Anon, if it’s helpful to you at all: I managed to resurrect a regular creative practice by making myself get up 20 minutes earlier in the morning, then once that was a habit, 40, and being really ruthless about using that block of time to write. I figure, I’m awake at 5:30 in the morning, what the f*ck else am I going to be doing with that time?
Once I’ve been at work all day my brain is FRIED and the last thing I want to do use it for a “hard” hobby, even one that brings me a lot of fulfillment. (My after-work hobbies are more like running, yoga, or reading, alongside taking care of my dog, making dinner, and if I’m lucky talking to my husband.)
Anon
I somewhat wonder if this is about perspective, too. It sounds to me like you DO live a really “cool” life already (what with horseback riding and rafting, etc.). This isn’t to say it couldn’t be “cooler”, but it already sounds like you’re making good use of a significant amount of your leisure time. I also try to make the best of my off hours. I live downtown in a large city, so I often get rush tickets to plays/the orchestra, go out for happy hours or to try new restaurants, go to art galleries/museums on the free nights, etc. It’s also election time in Canada, and I’ve gone to numerous debates with local and the federal leaders. On nights when I’m not out of the house, I am cooking a new recipe, reading a book, or having a fancy bath. My spouse comes with me to all outside the house events, but when asked by friends she hasn’t seen in a while “so what’s new, what have you been up to?” she always says something like “oh nothing…we really don’t get up to much.” Ummm….??? We literally do something outside of the house 3/5 weeknights, every week, and yet still none of this is registering as “cool enough” for her.
Anon
Yeah, I suppose you’re right, but some of those activities (rafting and surfing) were more one-offs/not possible frequently. If I look back on the year in total, though, I guess I did do some cool stuff! Sorry your spouse isn’t getting the memo, haha.
Anonome
I don’t own a smartphone, but I do still struggle with time-wasting on my laptop. Even adding more hobbies to my routine wasn’t cutting it. The only thing that works for me is creating. I NEED to be doing things that add artistic value to the world–writing short stories or poetry, composing music, etc.
It’s actually really easy to add writing to my day. I can be sitting at my desk, coding away, and still roll around phrases in the back of my head, then jot them down when I have a spare moment.
Julia
I had a small moment of annoyance/frustration today when listening to a podcast about holiday preparation. The two hostesses were talking about giving gifts to service providers, which I’m obviously in favor of. One of them mentioned giving a gift to her garbage man, and the other asked how she physically gave it to him. Well, this woman said she just watched out her window, and she jogged out there and gave it to him when he came by.
Just another expectation set up for working women to fail at — chasing down the garbage man to give them a personal holiday gift. Sorry, I’m at work when the garbage man comes at 3:00, and I somehow feel like a holiday card taped to the side of the trash can wouldn’t quite work either.
And obviously no man on earth, past or present, has ever given a moment’s thought to giving a *holiday gift* to their *garbage man*. And yes, I know, just let this go, and I will. But still.
(Please feel free to tell me I am evil and in fact I do need to tape a card to the garbage can or else be an irredeemable Grinch.)
anonymous
You are not evil….you are practical and that podcast sounds silly. A nice read for today….in NYT: Enough Leaning In, Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/10/opinion/sunday/feminism-lean-in.html#click=https%3A%2F%2Ft.co%2Fsp64YWq562
anon
Sorry, you’re a grinch on this if your position is to give nothing. But I am not talking about a personalized gift, which I think is pretty crazy. We give a holiday tip. Thankfully, we have Saturday garbage pick-up, so the first time either my husband or I is home on a Saturday in December at pick-up time, one of us will run out with some cash to tip the guys. If we don’t get it done until January, guess what–they still happily accept it. I don’t wrap them a gift or anything. If I couldn’t be home, I guess I’d tape it to the lid of the garbage can and hope they get it.
Julia
Marking one vote in the “tape the holiday cash to the lid of the garbage can” column!
Anonymous
This only works if your garbage people physically pick up your garbage can. Our town uses one of those trucks that automatically lifts and dumps the can; the driver never even gets out and would definitely not see anything taped to the garbage can.
Julia
Oh ours definitely physically pick up. I know because every other week, rather than empty my garbage can, they leave an orange “ticket” on it, letting me know they were unable to empty it because it was too close to a parked car. Not too close to get the tag on, just too close to dump the can into the truck!
ElisaR
something tells me that during the month of December garbage men are on the lookout for white envelopes taped to garbage cans.
Anonymous
Lol no one I know tips the garbage man. At all. Not a thing.
Never too many shoes...
I have often wondered if this is another American thing as I have never heard of anyone tipping the sanitation workers. Canadian peeps – do you know anyone who does this? I just checked and it appears workers earn on average $18 – $23/hour plus benefits here.
Anon
Assuming that your sanitation workers are government employees and that your city hasn’t outsourced that source, I think it is still some of the best paid work for someone with a high school degree. The salaries tend to be pretty high for the education level required and you get government benefits.
ElisaR
it’s a thing. your neighbors are doing it.
DCR
I really don’t think it is in most neighborhoods.
Anonymous
They aren’t.
Anon
I 1000% assure you they are not.
Anon
I think this is very regional. In south Texas – this is not a thing. We simply don’t tip civil servants – I don’t know if they can even accept cash gifts. Tips are left to commercial and regular service providers (maid, hair dresser, nail tech, etc. – and then only if you don’t tip or tip on the low side regularly)
Anonymous
Nope. Our garbagemen are unionized and most of them make close to six figures or over that; there’s an article in the paper about it every couple of years. In addition, out garbagemen never get out of the truck, similar to what others have said.
I am not going to tip someone for doing a job paid for by my tax dollars. I am already paying for my mail service, garbage and recycling pickup, park cleanup service, etc. via my taxes. The service providers don’t get more money because their jobs aren’t fun or have to be done outside, which seems to be the criteria we’re talking about. Some of this tipping mania seems like a convenient way for some folks to deal with their privilege guilt. It’s easier to throw the garbagemen $20 than it is to be an ally an advocate for social change that would lead to greater equity. Or, it’s a way to throw money around and be able to rub it in the neighbor’s faces, the way you can’t do with conspicuous consumption these days.
Anon
This is just another example of how I hate the tipping culture in the US. It creates these ridiculous situations, and no one know who to tip and who doesn’t need to be tipped. I don’t know anyone who tips their garbage man. And, FWIW, when I delivered newspapers in college, less than 5% of the customers tipped at the holidays.
Julia
Just out of curiosity, how did those 5% handle it? Did they run it out to you when you came by? There’s not even a garbage can to tape the cash to in that instance!!
Anon
The newspaper provided envelopes that we put our names on and delivered with the newspaper. The person could mail it to the newspaper, and they put it in our office mailbox. Or the person could call in and give a tip by credit card, and the newspaper added it to our check (I think, maybe they give it to us in another manner but I don’t recall).
Anon
I’m reminded of articles that used to appear in the Los Angeles Times in early December, informing the readership of the year-end tipping practice in Latin American countries and how X times salary was expected from *every*one. I wonder if it has grown from there.
Anon
I will take your rant one step further:
The idea that large numbers of women would do nothing with their time except for raising children is a historical anomaly. Women would weave, do onerous household tasks (e.g., washing on a washboard), take in other people’s laundry or kids, farm, milk cows, you name it. It is only in living memory that large numbers of (not super-rich) women have been able to be stay at home moms, and even in the ’50s, they were raising like eight kids.
So what happened? Women invented ways to occupy their time that don’t have to do with dishes, children, or laundry, and it runs the gamut from PTA meetings to MLM to tipping the garbage man. Then the working mothers of the world feel inadequate.
This isn’t a knock on SAHMs, especially those of infants (who are just overwhelmed) – but the reality is that most of this is make-work activities.
Flats Only
This. I recently saw a Lucy Worsley documentary on the home (it’s on YouTube – If Walls Could Talk: The History of the Home) and the first and second episodes go into great detail on the amount of work it was to run a house until very recently. Backbreaking Labor. No cheese next year if you don’t start your rennet now. It was eye opening! Her documentary (also on YouTube) and book about Jane Austen at home also talk a lot about this.
LifeScienceMBA
Thank you for sharing this!
pugsnbourbon
+1 for Lucy Worsley. She’s just the best.
Anon
Love her. She’s delightfully kooky and whip smart at the same time. She can come sit by me.
Julia
This is a really excellent point, and one that I remind myself of when I consider being a SAHM. You’re correct that changes to society and technology have dramatically changed the job of “homemaker”. The SAHMs I know spend their time on pursuits like homeschooling their kids, remodeling/decorating their homes intensively, or doing a lot of shopping and dressing themselves/their kids in trendy clothes. Point being, people need to have a project and a reason to get up in the morning. And for some, yes, it seems that that includes coming up with a long, burdensome list of holiday “musts” to check off.
Anon
This is a very good point, and as an immigrant from a country that went straight from women farming to women working corporate jobs I am in awe of the American underculture (at least in the places where I have lived this is definitely an underculture) that has all these crazy self-inflicted to-dos that seem to never end. I’m just happy that I don’t have my mind polluted by this endless guilt parade and am happy to keep the humorous outsider-looking-in perspective when it comes to this kind of stuff. Please stop stressing yourselves! It’s not your job to give presents to the garbage men! It’s your job to pay your bill on time and that’s IT!
Anonymous
Or stop listening to nonsense podcasts that are just stressing you out. You don’t need to do this!!!
Anonymous
Actually, my dad did care about giving a gift to the garbage man. FWIW.
Worry about yourself
I think it’s worth mentioning, for your sanity and the sanity of others reading this, that it doesn’t sound like the podcaster was saying “this is what I do, and everyone else should follow my lead,” she was simply describing how she did something. If that method doesn’t jive with you, you don’t have to do it! Even if the podcast recommended it, you don’t have to do it! I listen to Awesome Etiquette religiously, and sometimes I have to remember that their advice is a guideline, not actual rules for how everyone must live.
If you think the garbage man a gift is a nice idea, by all means do it. If you’d rather not, and it just feels like one more thing you need to do around this time of year, don’t do it, or find out what the rest of your neighborhood does and just try to do that if you can (you don’t want to be the one person not tipping, but the reality is, you’re probably not the only one who isn’t doing it). The only reason we’re even talking about holiday prep in October is because women are expected to shoulder so much emotional labor and holiday-related tasks around that season, and it can absolutely drive you crazy.
Biggest Balls in the Room
Thanks to whoever recommended the ponte dresses from Old Navy (and ordering in a tall size). While I’m not particularly tall, I am long legged and these dresses are the bomb. I got both a sheath dress and a long sleeved structured ponte dress for less than $50 and they are both fab.
Anonymous
How do they compare in quality to AT or Uniqlo? ON dresses in S seem to fit me, but I’ve never pulled the trigger on any item I envisioned as primarily workwear. We changed our dress code to casual now so perhaps it’s time to give them a try?
Anon.
I think the quality is comparable. I wash them on warm after 2-3 wears and hang to dry, and some of these dresses go into their 4th season next year and still look fine.
Anon
Can you post links to what you got? Very interested!
Biggest Balls in the Room
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=290790022&tid=onpl000023&kwid=1&ap=7&msclkid=d9ca934d035516865a14cee59bb708f3&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ON_BR-X_US_Women%27s_X_DCM_CVR_X_X_X&utm_term=4582558309615025&utm_content=ON_BR_US_Women%27s_Clothing_Outfits&gclid=CKG63MDdo-UCFcTxswodIi8HFA&gclsrc=ds#pdp-page-content
and
a sleeveless dress in the same fabric that I can’t seem to pull up now
Go for it
It was me, glad They worked for you.
Selling jewelry
I’m in NYC and often walk by stores saying you can sell your old gold/jewelry to them. As it happens I do have a small amount of jewelry I would want to sell…nothing super special, some pairs of gold/platinum earrings from a fine jewelry store I got when I was a teen, some have small diamonds, one of which lost its mate. How do you find the best place to sell old jewelry to? Can I just walk into a random jewelry store in the diamond district and assume I’ll do okay enough? It’s not vital that I get the best price, just don’t want to be scammed and want to let this stuff go. Any recs in NYC (or online)?
Anon
Get a quote from a couple of them and pick who you feel comfortable with.
sold my jewelry online
I used sell your gold and thought it was fine and they will take earring backs if they are gold or silver, who knew?
Anon
For those of you who keep diaries, do you use a physical book or a word document and why? I was sorting through my diaries and realized that I now have a medium size box worth of notebooks that I used as my diaries for the past ten years. This was both difficult for storage purposes (I have a tiny NY apartment) and poses a security risk (someone can easily read them). I did keep a word doc at some point with a password, but I rarely used it. It’s probably more secure and a little more portable. Somehow it just doesn’t feel as good to vent out on a keyboard.
anon
I use a website called 750words. It doesn’t have a built-in archiving feature, unfortunately, so every few months I download my writing and store it with the rest of my laptop backups. But I found that I wrote more when I typed, and that I enjoy that, so your mileage may vary if you just don’t like the keyboard.
Anon2
I have a journal from Journal10. There is enough space to write a few sentences each day for 10 years and extra pages for longer passages in the back. Depending on how much you generally write, this may be an option. It’s the size of a large bible.
Anonymous
I type on my laptop.
But if a primary benefit for you is using longhand to get your feelings out (aka “venting”), you could just do that on loose paper and then throw it away. You don’t have to keep it. I, too, have a box full of paper journals from up to 20 years ago. I’m trying to decide if I care enough about all that to keep them forever. i have RARELY had any desire to go back and read them, and have never had a desire to wade through all the pages of venting. I certainly don’t want someone else reading pages of venting. These days, because I’m in a Word doc, I vent on and on . . . and then just erase it. It served its purpose: I don’t need a memory of it.
Anon
Team physical notebook all the way. Digital ephemera never quite does it for me. Platforms come and go, but pen and paper is forever. I love writing by hand and the way I process things while doing it. Also, it’s an excuse to buy fun notebooks since I know they’ll get used.
They do take up some room, but not that much. I go through a few notebooks a year and after 20+ years of journaling, they still fit in a medium-sized storage box. I date every entry and write the dates used of each notebook on the first and last page when they are complete (so like, X notebook was used from 8/1/19-10/4/19) so they are easy to sort by month and year.
I occasionally think about how someone will probably read them someday, but hopefully not until I’m dead or incapacitated! But I actually I like to think about my niece or someone else reading them after I’m gone. We found one of my grandma’s journals from the early 1950s when she traveled to Europe with a friend (on a boat!) and it was so much fun to read and hear what her life was like then.
Anonymous
Definitely anon for this, but I have a LiveJournal that I started in 2003, and I still write in it. Maybe only once a month now, instead of daily when I was in high school & college, but it feels good to let my thoughts out somewhere.
i like the idea of physical diaries, it’s just that it’s so time consuming to write long rants by hand in them. I do use a physical planner through.
Anonymous
Book suggestions please! I love Robin Hobb, Anne Mcafferey, George Martin, Deborah Harkness, Patrick Rothfuss, Marie Brennan and Naomi Novik. What other fantasy writers do people like that ideally already have a number of books out? I’d love to find another Robin Hobb. Thanks!
AnonBookWorm
Outlander books. More historical fiction than true fantasy. But time travel?
Gail the Goldfish
Brandon Sanderson! Start with his Mistborn trilogy, but he’s got a lot out and is very speedy when it comes to releasing new books. Also, these are YA, but Tamora Pierce’s Tortall books are a longtime favorite.
Anon.
+1
anne-on
Seanan McGuire, Gail Carriger, Frank Tuttle, and Katherine Arden all seem like they’d be right up your alley. Seanan McGuire in particular is VERY prolific.
anon
N.K. Jemisin!
anon
Leigh Bardugo. I really enjoyed the Six of Crows series. I haven’t read her new book.
Scott Lynch’s Gentlemen Bast*rds series.
Pat Rothfuss reviews a lot of books on his blog, so that could be a good starting point.
Mpls
Ilona Andrews – Kate Daniels series, On the Edge, Hidden Legacy. More Urban Fantasy, but on part with Anne McCaffrey, I think.
Anon100
Ilona Andrews, Seanan McGuire, Ellen Kushner, Kevin Hearne (more UF), Nalini Singh (more hot steamy romance but I like the premises), Lisa Shearin, and maybe Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files (I’m not fond of the latter books).
If you’re alright with YA (and in some ways I think YA is better), try Gail Carriger, the Old Kingdom/Abhorsen Trilogy by Garth Nix (one of my all time faves), Marissa Meyer, Sarah J. Maas, Jeannie Lin’s Gunpowder series, etc for a start.
Amberwitch
Martha Wells
Patricia Briggs
Wen Spencer
Robin McKinley
Nesprin
Robin McKinley
N. K. Jemisin,
Connie Wells,
Ursula Le Guin
Mercedes Lackey+ any one else (she can’t plot worth anything, but she writes well and her collaborations are usually great)
Miss
Ilona Andrews
Debra Dunbar (the Imp series is one of my all time favorites and I think her latest series about a family of witches is very fun)
Kelley Armstrong
Darynda Jones
Dannika Dark
Rachel Marks (I liked Fire and Bone but only the first book is out)
Jenn Stark
JS
Has anyone picked up any tunics or long shirts this year that they like for wearing with leggings?
Housecounsel
Check out Athleta. I ordered sweatshirt dresses and a long sweater to wear over leggings. They’re not for professional life but they’re great for weekends. I also ordered the Free People North Shore top in a couple of colors for this purpose. Free People is always good for CYA tops and sweaters.
OC Queen
Love Title Nine tunics.
Cost of movers
My mom is moving and trying to DIY (by which I mean making all friends and family help). I want to offer to pay for movers but before I do I want a gut check on approx costs.
She’s moving from a 850sq ft 1BR condo in CT (near Stamford) to a small 2BR house in central MA (about 150 miles). It’s a pretty packed condo, but no more than one truck. There are stairs at the condo but not the new place. It’s just moving, no packing.
Any idea if I’m looking at $2k or $10k? I moved from small house to bigger house (2 trucks, one big one small), 60 miles, same state, so while I know what that cost, I have no idea how the two moves compare.
Thanks for any thoughts! I called 2 moving companies down in CT and they wanted to come do a quote, which I don’t want to get into until I know if I’m offering to do this.
Leather Flats
Looking for incredibly comfortable leather flats–love a good pointed-toe flat! I am ready to move away from my law student budget-friendly $35 flats from Target, that while super cute, have to be replaced very often. Any recs?
anon.
I *really* like the inexpensive Steve Madden Feather Flat. They’re a loafer/flat combo. I will say they don’t do great two days in a row for me, so I rotate them out with other flats. Now that I’m typing this, I may buy in another color!
Housecounsel
I love Yosi Samra ballet flats.
Anonymous
If you’re OK with non-leather, Rothys. Obligatory promo code for $20 off for each of us: https://share.rothys.com/x/4XvnWZ
Anon
I love the Me Too Audra flat.Very comfortable and easy to walk in. Got a pair for $30 somehow at TJ Maxx (they’re still $90 on Nordstrom’s site, though!) so you could check there.
lsw
I also love the Audra flats. Me Too’s website often has 20% off deals as well. Their Aimee flat is perfection, too.
Anonymous
Pricey but incredibly comfortable, M.Gemi Stellato flats. Haven’t tried their other flats but I suspect they are also comfortable, the craftmanship is top notch. FWIW, I have heavily worn them for a year and have no plans of replacing them anytime soon.
Anonymous
Cole Haan skimmers
anonymous
A person I worked with when I was a consultant to a client organization she worked for reached out to me on LinkedIn asking for a recommendation that she could display on LinkedIn. She has started her own business and is trying to get new clients. She is very technically competent but she caused a lot of drama at my former client’s business and was basically asked to leave. She’s not someone I would recommend based on her personality and approach towards her colleagues. Should I just ignore the request? We aren’t in regular contact; this reach-out kind of came out of the blue. But we live in a smallish community and it is entirely possible I could run into her, or work with her again, in some capacity in the future.
Housecounsel
I think you’re free to ignore it.
Nah
I would ignore. If you ever run into her AND she brings it up (which she may not!), or are otherwise confronted about it, just play dumb. “Oh? Hmm! I must have missed it somehow! I’m so bad about checking that…” But you’ll probably never have to address it.
Abby
I realized yesterday with the “Previously on Corporette” post that I’ve been reading this site for over a year now! I stumbled upon it because I was looking for workwear advice for my more professional job (particularly the post about what hem length is okay, which led me to donate half my skirts and dresses) but then realized there were regular posters and a full community in the comment section.
I’ve learned a lot from this group of women, frequently tell my husband “so on that blog I read….”, and have even cried a little at the support and comments I’ve received (I can’t remember what that post even was anymore). Thanks for cheering up my work days and helping me mature & learn this last year!
Hj
Same here! And to add: I appreciate the thought love coming from this group of wise and smart women. I understand some find certain comments mean but i find them rather refreshing. I don’t think my “real” friends would be able to deliver truths/opinions like you guys. They are way too polite.
Housecounsel
I think I am going on 10 years or so here and am very grateful.
Cat
same, if we are debating something, my husband will suggest I ask the “committee” by which he means the commenters, ha!
Vicky Austin
oh that is hilarious. Abby, I think we started reading about the same time!
Abby
You were one of the first regular commenters I noticed! I think we’re similar aged so I always like hearing your perspective!
Vicky Austin
Hey thank you! I look out for your comments too if you can believe that. :)
Anonome
My husband tells me to check with my “fake internet friends” but he means it in good fun.
Anon
“My blog says…” is regularly woven into household discussions. Ha! 10+ year reader and commenter here!
Senior Attorney
My husband calls them “The Corpore*t*t*e*s.” Without the asterisks, of course.
We sometimes discuss The C——–e Dilemma of the day over dinner.
ElisaR
haha
Anon
I started reading in law school, so around 8-10 years ago. Crazy! I’ve learned so much from this community. Sometimes I take breaks for a few weeks or months, but I always come back.
A.
I have some time to do some in-store shopping today. What’s on your must list for this fall and winter?
Housecounsel
Modern-looking work pants. I am not sure what those are yet, though. My closet is full of skinny ankle pants. I want to see what is in stores right now and figure out what looks updated. Wide-leg? Boot-cut? Culotte-ish? Let us know what you see!
H13
I am having this same struggle. I need new pants and I don’t know what to look for.
Anon
Same!
lsw
I want new trousers! A have a pair from Cabi of all places that if I could replicate in different colors I would. I just want a flowing ponte or other knit trouser that is full length and not skinny.
Anonome
Also struggling to figure it out. I’m of an age where the stuff that was popular in my early-to-mid twenties always looks dated to me now, whether it’s current or not.
Anon
I did major shopping this past weekend. I was feeling the same thing – like my wardrobe needs a total refresh. I got the J.Crew Factory swacket in every color (there are 2 kinds – I got the kind that’s more blazer-y – so many compliments on the oatmeal one when I wore it Monday) and every color of the regular J.Crew high-rise, wide-leg Peyton pant. Still rocking my years-old Tippi sweaters, though.
Anonymous
I freshened up my sweaters and ponte jackets; the colors in stores are really fun, I found camel, rust and brown. I dug out some old brown heels and bought a new brown and black purse.
529b when you might relocate abroad
We are considering optimizing our taxes, and have been looking on and off at 529b’s (we’re already maxing out 401k’s, backdoor IRA, FSA, HSA etc). We have a 3 year old so it would also make sense to start saving for college.
However, we are originally from Europe and may not be in the US forever, or even if we stay, our kid may want to do their higher education in a European country. All I’ve found online regarding usage of 529b funds abroad mentions a list of approved institutions (e.g. several colleges at Cambridge, UK) – but not necessarily the most common (and good) state universities in our home country.
Can anyone provide insights into what happens in case you leave the US for good and don’t want to use the funds for a US school or approved institution abroad?
Anon
I work in tax, but not this area, so talk to someone familiar with these accounts. I imagine it’d be the usual penalty that you see for this sort of tax-favored account: you pay the taxes you would have ordinarily paid on the monies and/or a penalty. Uncle Sam always catches up.
Anon
I’d weigh the tax benefits against the expected penalties if you don’t use the money at a qualified university. My guess is that if you get a straight tax credit (our state is 20% of contributions as a tax credit, so if I put $5k in a 529, I get $1k in cash back) or possibly a deduction, it’s worth the risk of paying penalties, but the risk isn’t worth it just for the tax-free growth.
529b when you might relocate abroad
Thanks helpful, thanks.
529b when you might relocate abroad
That should have said. *That’s helpful, thanks. Man, it’s been a long week.
Anon
What’s your best financial tip – whether day to day or investing/retirement. What would you tell your 30 or 35 year old self to do?
Anonymous
Fully fund your 401(k). Even if it seems painful. Do it from the start so you never even miss the money.
AFT
+1. And don’t postpone starting to find the very best option – you can make changes later if necessary. Same for college funds.
ATL rette
Okay, so what if you *cant* fully find your 401k? I make $35k/year pre-taxes, so fully funding my 401k means I’d be living on like $15k PRE taxes. That’s….not possible.
I’m definitely putting a bit in my 401k, but constantly hearing “max it out!” is incredibly stressful because there is literally no way I could do that.
Anon.
I think “maxing out” in that case means putting the highest amount you can afford to put when you live frugally.
emeralds
Yes girl, put in as much as you can afford! It doesn’t have to be $20k if your salary is low. I make more than you,* but fully funding my 403b would still be 38% of my gross pay. I contribute 20% of my gross to retirement, which is a lot by most folks’ standards, but it’s also a long way off from 38%.
*Now! I didn’t for a long time, but one of the ways I have respectable retirement accounts anyway was by always kicking in SOMETHING, even if it only $120 bucks a month when I was making $20k with AmeriCorps.
Anon
If you can at all swing it, save what you need to get all available company match.
Anon
A lot of financial advice recommends trying to save 10% of your salary for retirement. When I was making a lower salary, my goal has always to increase my contributions to that 10% mark and to put some of each raise in to my 401k.
Anonymous
I sympathize – I’ve been there too with the 35k salary and what I did was contribute at least $100 per paycheck to my 401k. I was young and single and willing to cheap out on rent and drive a cheaper beat up old car (live in suburbs, need car to get to work). Honestly, I found the thought that “putting it in now means more money later” was a much more productive and helpful thought than listening to “max it out and contribute 18k a year” when 18k a year means 90% of your takehome pay.
Anonome
Usually “max it out” is referring to contributing enough to get the full company match, so aren’t leaving free money on the table. That also can be difficult, but not as difficult as 19k is.
Go for it
Not in order:
-pay yourself first, no matter how small
-pack food for lunch / day trips more often than you purchase take out
-daily take out beverages really add up $$
-create a spending plan every month and then count what is spent & compare
-want vs need prior to purchase
-pay for experiences, not things
-if buying a house/ small house, big yard is easier to maintain, heat, and cool
and always always always buy the neighborhood
– get a fee paid financial planner, even if you have no/low amount of savings
Housecounsel
I will echo the 401k advice and also figure out other ways to invest automatically. Go for it’s advice above is all very, very good but I will just never do most of the things advised. So I set aside as much as I can before I ever see it.
Anon
What does your fee paid financial planner do, especially if you have no/low amount of savings? I’ve looked in to getting one a few times, and each time the ones I interviewed just didn’t seem like they could give me any advice above what I can get from reading books/blogs/etc.
emeralds
I think you’re fine. Vanguard and Bogleheads will get most folks where they need to be, especially if you’re just starting out with investing.
What you may need to tackle first, if you have no/low savings, is an emergency fund.
Go for it
YMMV, but as I’m disinclined to read personal financial management type books, I pay someone who has. My person breaks it down with all the tips needed for whatever $ stage of life I am in or aspire to be in.
Cat
day to day – focus on keeping fixed expenses under control. A few lattes a week isn’t going to ruin your finances, but having too much mortgage, car payment, 3-figure monthly memberships like pricey gyms or the biggest best cable package, or — unpopular but must be said — student loan payments for a school or major that’s a poor ROI? Those can be really hard to get out from under.
Anon
I refer to this asthe cost if waking up in the morning.” Keep it low.
emeralds
Yes, I agree with this a lot. I don’t like to worry about grabbing a $3 coffee if a colleague asks if I want to take a walk, so I’d rather be smart about the big, fixed expenses.
Anon
Unpopular but get the best paying job you can with your skills and education so you don’t have to stress as much of you don’t bloat your lifestyle.
Anon
I think this is the opposite of what a lot of people would say, but I’ve always focused on keeping my major expenses (especially housing) very low, so that I don’t have to worry about $5 coffees, fancy salads and nice vacations. I moved to a low cost of living area in large part so I could buy a nice house for $300k and spend more money on the things that make my life easier, more interesting and fun.
BeenThatGuy
I agree. For my area, I have a modest home (550K) but fits my families needs. We could comfortably afford more (800K plus) but I’d rather use the excess money on vacations, outsourcing and savings.
Anon
Me too! I live fairly modestly (175K 1 BR condo, 50 min commute, no car) so I can have extra for savings, a big retirement fund, investments, and travel. I do feel like an outlier since everyone I know has way larger, pricier places, and brand-new kitchens and bathrooms. But my late ’90s-era kitchen, which is still fully functional, doesn’t really bother me. Sure, Pinterest-y lights and countertops are beautiful, but I do not think they would bring me 30K (or whatever they cost) of joy. I fully recognize that they DO bring many people that much joy and more, so this is in no way a judgment! Just knowing what works for me.
Anon
Same. We could have spent twice as much money on a house, but ours is perfectly fine, and I’d rather use the money to pay someone to come in and clean it every week.
Anon
Interesting! I’m definitely the opposite but we love to entertain so saving for a bigger house that allows us to do that comfortably is a priority for us. We also have out of town friends and family who regularly stay with us. We are less into travel (usually travel involves visiting friends and family so not too expensive), restaurants, cars or clothes so we definitely are savers in those categories
I think the advice is really figure out what matters to you and prioritize spending accordingly.
Anonymous
Agree! Your mortgage will probably be your biggest regular expense, and I think the best way to live frugally is to live in a smaller home. And buying the neighborhood (as mentioned above) will end up being helpful as well.
Julia
Rent, don’t buy, if you think you might want to move within five years. It’s easy to disregard closing costs when considering buying and selling a house, and real estate typically only appreciates at the rate of inflation. People talk about renting as “throwing away” money, but even as a homeowner, you’re “throwing away” (i.e. never getting back) the money you spend on mortgage interest, insurance, and taxes (particularly since the Trump tax bill gutted the mortgage interest deduction).
If you could rent the same house for the same amount or close to what it would cost you to buy it, most of your mortgage in early years is going to taxes/interest/insurance anyway, so you’re not going to get it back in principal when you sell. You’re just as well off financially renting, to say nothing of the flexibility it grants you to pursue new opportunities. Our generation isn’t like the ones before us where we stay in the same job or even city for decades on end.
Julia
Correction: the state and local tax deduction, not the mortgage interest deduction, was impacted by the tax bill.
Anon
Technically it was as well – the deduction limit went from $1m to $750k for new mortgages, but SALT is more important to more people
Anon
Correction: Mortgage interest deduction was impacted by the change in the standard deduction. I no longer pay enough mortgage interest to make itemizing worth it.
Anon
This.
The increase in the standard deduction means there is a no longer a huge benefit to itemizing. Plus the cap on state and local taxes means that my property tax is no longer deductible.
Anon
I think this really varies based on the area you live in. I’ve been in my place for 5 years, and am so far ahead of where I would be if I rented during that time. But it varies area to area, and I agree that people should factor in the costs of buying vs. renting instead of just assuming it is always better to buy.
Julia
Can you give more details? How have you determined that you’re better off? Have you done a dollar-to-dollar comparison of (1) What would it have cost you to rent a comparable house for the last five years, versus (2) Your “cash in” to your house at this point (total of mortgage payments made + cash at closing + home repairs) minus the dollars you expect to clear if you sold your home at its current market price (i.e. after paying off your mortgage and 6% closing costs)?
I only ask because I recently did that comparison on our house and it’s… depressing. I feel like sometimes people think, oh, I bought my house for $X and I’m going to sell it for $X + 10% so I’ve made money… that’s not really an accurate analysis.
Anon
Yes, I have. But, as a practical matter, I don’t even have to do the comparison because it would cost significantly more to rent a comparable house than my mortgage payments. In addition, my house has appreciated in value more than the total amount I have spent in mortgage payments over the last five years. So, for me, I was mainly looking at what I would have made in the market with the amount of my downpayment over that time period.
Aunt Jamesina
The NYT has a calculator for this exact question!
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/buy-rent-calculator.html
Anon
Same. My home gained so much in equity that I basically lived there for free for the first 5 years. Including PITI and closing costs, it gained that much and more by the time I sold it. And I got to tax-deduct the interest on my mortgage interest, which was the majority of my payment for those five years.
If you’re gonna rent, rent. But the real money waster is renting a luxury or high end or super large place. Rent at the minimum of what you need so that you can save to buy something really nice when you’re finally ready.
Julia
That’s super interesting! Am I doing the math right that your home must have gained about 5-6% per year in equity to offset all of your mortgage interest (3-4%), taxes (1-2%) and home insurance (.5%)?
Anon
Something like that. It doubled in value. I’m in the Bay Area.
Anon
Really think about what is important to you, vs. what others want to spend money on. I know what my priorities are, and it makes it a lot easier to say no to the things that don’t increase my happiness.
Suburban
My dad always says “save your pennies and one day you’ll have lots of pennies.” My 95 year old grandmother always says “Never ask your husband to buy you jewelry. Ask for stocks and real estate.” (I’ve translated that last part to not treating myself to jewelry with unexpected windfalls.)
To each her own, but the point is, I’m keeping my eye on the big stuff. I don’t worry about buying a latte. Heck, I’ll buy a round for my coworkers. But my 401k is maxed. My diamond studs are fake but my house is paid off.
Also, I try not to count other people’s money or keep up with anyone. I fundamentally believe in abundance and generosity, which makes long term money decisions really easy for me.
Anon
+1000 to your last paragraph
Anon.
“My diamond studs are fake but my house is paid off.”
This describes me to a T. Nothing wrong with decent fashion jewelry.
FWIW, we bought our house with cash which was unheard of even among our high-earner friends with >$200k HHI in a LCOL area. But we lived in a smaller apartment for 4 years and saved, saved, saved.
Also, we bought our cars used, and in cash.
Anon
Watch the little stuff as much as you watch the big stuff. A daily or twice daily fancy coffee habit, having takeout lunch and dinner all the time, if you mindlessly buy stuff at Target or online when you’re bored, even those online subscriptions you forget to cancel. These things all add up to real money over a month’s or a year’s time.
Anon
Absolutely. Sit down with credit and debit card bills for last month and count that stuff up, then count up the cash you took out and can’t account for. Sit with that number, then think about what you want it to be. I definitely will buy a coffee if a colleague wants to take a walk, or buy one for myself as a treat, or go out to lunch to meet a friend, or order takeout if I’m having a rough week, but I’m conscientious that this kind of spending is actually adding something to my life and is not an daily habit that I am barely even aware of.
Anon
+1. One of the easiest places I saved money after leaving biglaw was by cutting out starbucks and eating out/picking up take out for myself. My life doesn’t improve by eating lunch out at work (and may actually decrease my happiness, what with waiting in long lines) or by getting delivery at home consistently. So, I’ve tried to go back to treating eating out like the treat it should be, instead of a default.
Anonymous
What is this “cash” of which you speak? But seriously, I don’t ever use cash anymore, because it is so much easier to track spending with credit cards (paid in full every month, and I use a cash back card). Once Waffle House started accepting cards, I figured it was pretty much the end of cash-only businesses in my life.
Anon
Ha! :)
Anon
I haven’t used cash in about a decade, except there’s a place near my office that sells donuts and has a $2 credit card minimum and a single donut is $1-1.50 so I use cash there only. I actually keep it in a “donuts” envelope in my purse. If I forget the donut fund, then I just buy a dozen donuts for the office so I can use my card.
Anon
Agreed. I’m team just buy the latte if it makes you happy but a lot of these little expenses are just habits and not really adding anything to my life. Doing the math on this has really helped me here, realizing that if I gave up eating out for lunch so often, I actually had room in the budget for the cool restaurant I wanted to check out. I still buy lattes and go out for lunch sometimes but it’s a social activity when I go with a friend, not an autowithdraw from my bank account that brings me no joy
Anon
Small space question. I want to finally buy an extendable dining room table, which will mean we will need several chairs that we won’t actively be using a lot of the time and need to store. We have storage space but it is at a premium.
Does anyone have any notably nifty storable/foldable (& affordable!) chairs they use for this purpose? Or is just stacking regular folding chairs our only real option? Any other hack suggestions? Thanks!
Original Moonstone
I just got a pair of the Stakmore Upholstered Folding Chairs at Costco. If you get them at the store, they are $30 each. They are nice dark wood with dark upholstered seats and are very solid. I’m going to go back and get two more to use at parties. I’ve seen them on other sites, if you don’t have a Costco near you.
MJ
Was just going to suggest these. They’re exactly what you want. They hold up well.
The original Scarlett
I have an extending table and instead of having special chairs, I pull in chairs from other places (our home desk chairs double as extra dining chairs – not for everyone as not ergo), and I have a few other chairs about that blend with the decor but get pulled in for bigger dinners.
Cb
I wonder about a bench? You could use it in an entryway and pile kids on it during dinners.
Anonymous
I like this idea. So if your table went from 6 to 10 seats, you could have a four-seat bench and six chairs. Without the expansion, there are two seats on either side, one on each end. When you expand, pull two seats to the other side and throw the bench on the empty side.
Ribena
I have a blanket box which works for this purpose too – it normally serves as a window seat but I totally pull it out for extra table seating
Anon
What about stackable stools? My parents used to have some from IKEA that were really versatile. We used them constantly as improptu side tables (when someone was sick in bed/on the couch) and extra seating, and they could be tucked under a low bar or table when not in use.
anon
Two options you may want to check out.
From Ballard – ballroom folding chair
From Frontgate – lattice folding chair
From my experience, having nice folding chairs is useful.
Also think about putting chairs in other places throughout your space.
Anon
For this exact situation, I have Ikea TEODORES chairs. Four around my table normally and the extra two are stacked in the corner holding a plant.
Cat
hahahaha what on earth is this. Kat!
Anon
How did this make it through mod and half of my posts don’t?
Flats Only
What blouse would you wear with this jacket to look contemporary? (I scored it on eBay for $15). My instinct goes to bow blouse and long pearls, but my office isn’t formal enough to let me get away with “old lady chic”. I would wear it with jeans or ankle pants. (And flats) I am wondering about a colored tissue turtleneck, or a graphic tee. A plain tee like in the picture seems boring to me.
https://www.talbots.com/sale/clearance/jackets-and-outerwear/tweed-jacket/P183019564-WP.html
Housecounsel
Ooooh I like. I’d just put a plain stretchy white top under it and an interesting necklace. I feel like a graphic tee would take away from it.
BeenThatGuy
This blazer is fantastic! I’d wear a high quality white tee with a multi-strand costume pearl necklace.
Cat
a slouchy silk shell or blouse with a v-neck.
Anon
I’d wear this with a black sheath dress for presentations or meetings, but if you’re in a casual office maybe a white silk tank and black pants, or a black silk tank and black pants. It’s a Chanel style so I’d go for a Chanel look. I think that’s why you’re leaning white pearls, which I would also do. (But then again I wear pearls with everything because I’m obsessed with them)
Anon
Any recs for an item that can be used as a blanket and shawl in the office? My office is getting so cold recently and sometimes I want a blanket over my legs and sometimes more like a shawl/wrap? Under $50 would be ideal.
Housecounsel
I was just looking at Zappos and there were a bunch of blanket-wraps (search “ruana”) for less than $50.
Anon
+1 I don’t keep mine under $50 because I wear them as part of my outfit (my favorite is the baby alpaca cape from Cuyana) but ruana is a good search term for this kind of thing, and they’re everywhere lately so not hard to find.
Junior Associate
I have this one from Uniqlo for the frigid office. It’s thick fleece so super warm, and you can button it at the sides to wear like a shawl:
https://www.uniqlo.com/eu/en/women/accessories/accessories-shoes/blankets?quickView=420894
Anon
Do you have any company swag? When I worked at a Big 4, it was totally acceptable to wear the company fleece at your desk if you were cold. My current law firm gave out fleece blankets with the firm logo last year – plenty of people wrap themselves in it at their desks.
Anon
ha I have my legs wrapped in our company fleece jacket right now!! I should suggest blankets for the next swag gift.
AFT
I usually buy these wraps for ~$20 at Target. I have a gray and black version, and can fold in half and put over my legs as a blanket or wrap as a …. wrap.
Age gap
Anyone here dated/married someone significantly older and have any insights? I’m in my early 30s, never married, and for the past few months have started seeing someone in his 50s, divorced w/ high school aged children.
He’s kind to me and I like him and greatly enjoy his company. However I come from a pretty conservative background and my friends/family are balking at the age gap and think it’s totally weird. But I’m not some ingenue? I do have my own insecurities too (e.g., “does this guy actually take me seriously?”… not that he’s given me any reason to think otherwise) and I look young for my age, so we we definitely do look like a father and daughter pairing :-/
Anon
What do you want out of life? Especially, do you want to have kids? I think there are two big downsides to marrying someone significant older. First, he has already raised kids, and may not want to do it again. Is that important to you? Second, he will probably retire 15 to 20 years before you. How are you going to feel having to get up and go to work every day when he is at home? He may likely be past the traveling stage by the time you retire. Are you ok with that?
There are no right answers here. But you have to think about what matters to you.
Cat
The retirement & aging question is a really good one to think carefully about. The age gap may not be material now when you’re both in good health and at the same “working adult” life stage. But say, when you’re 65 and he’s 85 and maybe needing to transition towards assisted living while you’re newly retired and wanting to travel the world… how do you envision that playing out?
Ellen
He may not be around when you are 65. Men don’t live as long as women, primrily b/c of genetics; also b/c they slow down $exueally when we become like energizer bunnies after menapause when we do NOT have to worry about men impregnating us any more. I know the manageing partner wanted to please Margie by fathering a child, b/c she did not have any but he did, but he did not care about the age thing. Now they are both happy, but I know they realize that Margie will be around for years after the manageing partner goes to heaven. She will have houses in the Hamtons and in the City, and a big payout from the firm’s insurance policy after he goes. So she is not worried and will be taken care of. That is what YOU should focus on. If you marry the old guy, make sure he shows you the money so that you can survive afterward. I would not do it, but it is your decision. Many older guys make plays for me every week, but I could not deal with them huffeing and puffeing on top of me and potentially getting a heart attack like Bernie Sanders. FOOEY! Not for me. But Good luck as you decide what you want! YAY!!!
Senior Attorney
This. You are in the sweet spot where it matters less than it ever will again. When you’re 45 and crushing it in your career, he’ll be thinking about retirement. When you’re 65 and ready to see the world, he may not be mobile enough to do that. And that’s putting aside the question of whether he wants to start a new family and the millions of issues that raises.
My first husband was 17 years my senior and it was fine when I was in my 30s and he was in his 40s and 50s. We divorced for non-age-related reasons. But I saw him today and OMG he’s an old man! Glad to be married to somebody closer to my age now.
Anon
Agree w this.
Anon
Plus if you want to have kids with him, his age could lead to higher risks with pregnancy and potential disabilities for the child. It’s not just the woman’s age that counts.
Anon
Thank you for saying this. Men might be able to conceive children well into their 50s and 60s, but that doesn’t mean it comes without risks.
When I went for one of my first prenatal appointments, they asked my husband’s age as part of the calculation of our risk of genetic abnormalities. Actual science – copies of copies of copies of copies may accumulate errors.
Anonymous
This. It was important to my DH that we have kids before he was 40 as autism runs in his family and it’s documented that the risk of autism is higher when the dad is 40+
Anon
A dear friend of mine married someone with that age difference. It was a little odd at first, but they are absolutely wonderful together and have been married for several years now and are absolutely right for each other. And FWIW, this couple is from a small, conservative town.
BeenThatGuy
I’m in a LTR with a man 13 years younger than me (I’m 43 he’s 30). It took at least 2 years for my friends and family, and his, to accept the relationship. We are now into our 4th year and there are no issues. Frankly, we both had our own insecurities in the early stages (“are people looking at us” or “what does this relationship look like in 20 years”). Strangers, who obviously don’t matter to us, will sometimes smile, or gawk, but it no longer bothers us because we are secure in our love for each other.
Anon
There’s no right answer. I’ve dated someone 17 years older than me – it didn’t work out, though not for age-related reasons – but a few things I’d think about:
– Kids – do you want them? does he want more? is he open to raising kids again?
– What the relationship will look like in 10, 20 years? Is he active & healthy? What does it look like when you’re in your 60s wanting to enjoy an active retirement and he’s in his 80s? Does he want to retire early? Or keep working for a while (the guy I dated – a doctor – wanted to work forever, so the retirement question would have been less relevant). Game out the different scenarios, think about how common/uncommon they are, and whether you’d be okay with them.
– People generally get used to the gap, and good or bad, younger woman/older man tends to be more socially acceptable & common than the reverse. I also doubt you actually look like father/daughter – I’d imagine you think about it more than anyone else would.
Anonymous
My mom is a little more than 10 years older than her longterm BF. When they first got together 20+ years ago, I’m sure people told him, but you’ll be taking care of an old lady when you’re ready to retire and enjoy life! That’s not how it’s worked out at all. My mom is and always has been much healthier than BF. She’s actually the one taking care of him now (which she did NOT expect) even though he’s barely 60. People can get sick and become feeble very young or they can still be climbing mountains when they’re 90. You can’t know the future.
Once you start approaching a 30 year age difference, though, I think that calculus starts to change. Which isn’t to say you must immediately break up with him, but maybe this is a good-for-now relationship, which is perfectly fine! You don’t have to make any decisions today.
Anon
Women are significantly healthier and live longer than men on average though. I’d have fewer reservations about dating someone much older if that person was a woman.
Anon
Does he generally think he’s pretty smart/an expert/has things figured out? That would be a yellow flag for me in a relationship with a big age difference even though it wouldn’t be in a closer-in-age relationship. I wouldn’t want the “default” on big life decisions to be his opinion just because he has experience with something (buying a house, having kids, raising kids, retirement, investing, etc.). I’ve seen friends with significant age gaps (even as little as 7-10 years) struggle with that because even a well meaning older person can unwittingly dominate those discussions and decisions when they always have an answer from experience. It puts pressure on the younger person to just go along with things instead of researching and figuring something out together like you would if you were both approaching the decision from similar experience levels.
Anonymous
This has been my experience with guys who have kids too, even without the age gap. I want to have kids someday, I’ve thought/researched a lot about different kid related topics and the type of parent I want to be, but I also know that having your own kid changes your views. If you want to share your perspective as informed by your parenting experience, please do! I want to hear it! But I don’t want to hear some version of, you don’t understand because you don’t have kids. I don’t want to coparent with someone who dismisses my opinions because he thinks he knows better.
Anon
Yeah, this is a big one.
Anon
Ok my husband is 9 years older and we have some age gap issues so let me lay them out for you – yours would just be magnified by a further gap
1) he wants to retire a couple of years early, while we still have one kid in high school, which means I will be the sole breadwinner and healthcare/benefit provider for at least 7-8 years, if not longer, which is a lot of stress and a point of tension
2) he is a pretty fit guy but he’s having a lot of the typical 60-something guy problems – shoulder surgery, foot surgery, cholesterol and blood pressure issues, etc. I worry.
3) face reality – the larger the gap in your ages, the more likely you are to be widowed young, or be a long-term caretaker for your spouse. Just be real about this
Anon
You have gotten some great advice. The big issues are: (1) Children – obviously not a problem if you don’t want to have them and a deal breaker if you want them and he does not; (2) Retirement age – if he retires at 65 you will still have years to work. What does he want to do in retirement and will it be a problem if you cannot do it with him?; (3) The odds are that you will be a young(er) widow and/or care provider; and (4) The one not mentioned yet – MONEY. He has children who presumably want to inherit his money (if he has any). Where does that leave you if you end up living in the same house? If you retire early to spend time with him? If you retire early to take care of him? That does not mean this is a no-go, but does mean that you should keep it in mind if and when you start mingling your lives to the extent that his death would leave you at a significant financial disadvantage.
That does not mean do not do it. One of my very best friends is married to a guy 20 years her senior and they are one of the happiest couples I know. BUT she never wanted kids of her own, went part-time and then retired very early because he could afford to support them both so they could enjoy travel, etc. together and their estate plan defines complicated so that she can live comfortably but his children/grandchildren still get what is left when SHE dies. Also, she is already facing the fact that he has physical limitations in what he can do and that will only accelerate as he gets older.
anon
I’m happy you mentioned money. My in-laws are divorced, have been for a long time, and are both remarried. In both couples, the husband makes a lot more money than the wife, although the wife works. In both couples, the wife is 10-15 years younger than the husband and, based on current health conditions, is likely (but of course not guaranteed) to outlive the husband. Both couples have prenups that basically say their wives won’t receive any portion of their income/earnings, even from after the wedding date. (In our state, they wouldn’t receive assets from before the marriage anyways, as long as they were kept separate.)
Both MIL and step-MIL have said that they are not financially secure if their husband dies first. We love all of the family members, including step-parents and step-siblings. It’s going to be heartbreaking to see the husbands pass away and leave their wives in difficult financial situations because their wives agreed to something 20 years ago that doesn’t actually make much financial sense now and particularly won’t make financial sense in 10 years. I also anticipate that it’s going to cause a lot of rifts in the family.
Anon at 12:52
Yes – for my friend the money conversation was a hard one to initiate but if she was going to stop working at 40 she needed to have assurances that she was not going to be left destitute when he died and left everything to his children. Fortunately she had spent 10 years in Big Law before she went in-house and had basically no living expenses so she had a pretty sizable nest egg saved but it still required completely re-negotiating their prenup.
And it was hard for two lawyers who were willing to do hard work of really thinking about it and making difficult decisions and where the adult children really like their stepmother (and where their mom died so any claims she might have are not at issue). I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been if they had children together or if his kids did not like her or if he was one of those “it will all work out” people.
Anon
Yep, the big factors for me would be kids if you want them and retirement/end of life stuff. I know there are no guarantees in life and anyone can get terminally ill at any time, but statistically a 65 year old woman is likely to be healthy and active and an 85 year old man is likely to be dead or infirm. I think a big age difference is generally no big deal in mid-life but becomes much more significant as you get older. Personally, I’d be hesitant to get into a relationship with a man who was more than about 5 years older than me. I might go up to 10 years for the right person, but can’t ever see myself dating someone who was 20 years older, regardless of how wonderful he was.
Amberwitch
I have a 20 year older husband, with whom I have been married for almost 15 years.
Advantages:
He has gotten his kids already, so I never had to worry about that.
He is an amazing father, so I get to enjoy that without having to be a mother.
He got his early career crunch sorted before mine started, and does not feel that he has something to prove or achieve. And I love him.
Disadvantages:
his sexdrive has decreased way before mine
His age relater decline in mobility and health has already circumscribed our lives in different ways I didn’t anticipate or like
midtown anon
mine is also 16 years older and we are divorcing for other reasons, but one of my latest observations include realizing he can’t read small print so I have to navigate when we travel, etc. (because he insists he doesn’t need readers).
ditto sex drive and health issues.
Anonymous
Agree with all the above. To add my observations, the hospital patients I see where the men are 70-80 and their wives are 40-50, they are never first marriages for the men, the men are always the patients, and they are “comfortable” because the men had high earning careers. I find that I’ll be talking to them about their yacht vacations, when they went to Wimbledon and their country club. Their wives always appear younger than actual age and are walking in with Starbucks in the morning, and they expect VIP care from me (and they are usually noted VIP patients on chart). They seem happy.
Anonymous
What are your thoughts on a potential employer who won’t negotiate starting salary? I’m weighing an offer. I knew it would be a pay cut but I tried to negotiate the starting salary upwards a bit. The company said no, there’s no wiggle room, the offer is what it is. Isn’t negotiation a normal part of an offer? Is it sketchy if the company won’t bump up their initial offer? The position is otherwise promising but I’m a bit put off by the refusal to negotiate; it makes me think I won’t be able to negotiate raises or bonuses in the future.
Go for it
Well, it appears not to be a good fit for you then.
Anon.
I don’t think it’s sketchy. You asked they said no. They have already offered the top end of their range or they were unconvinced by the reasons you argued for additional salary.
Anon
+1
Anon
Given how gender plays into negotiating salaries, I don’t inherently find it a problem (I actually think it’s a benefit) if they have a set salary scale. But that may not work for you, which is totally fine.
Anon
Yeah, you probably won’t be. Not necessarily sketchy, but an important piece of information for you to use in your decision making.
Anon
I said no to a job offer that wouldn’t negotiate salary. I figured they’d be just as inflexible about everything else.
Anonymous
In my org, we don’t negotiate at all – we are transparent with the pay in the job posting and then there is absolutely no negotiating. This is an evidence-based approach to trying to achieve racial and gender salary equity internally.
Becoming an Expert Witness
I have 25+ years of experience in my field and have been called by many leading news media a leading expert in my field. My area of expertise is in the world of diversity and discrimination. I realized that there are many lawsuits about this, with more to come as people are speaking up more now than ever. I know my experience would be useful to someone suing for discrimination. How do I become someone lawyers think to contact as an expert witness for their cases?
Anonymous
we don’t want an expert witness for discrimination. sorry.
Anon
What additional use would an expert witness on diversity and discrimination have? Unless you’re a constitutional law expert opining on a novel question, I can’t see how much use that would be – maybe if you were providing statistical information that related. The facts of the case would stand for themselves.
Anonymous
Check with the TimesUp Legal Defense fund?
Senior Attorney
In major metropolitan areas there are agencies that provide experts in various disciplines. You might want to check to see if there is one where you are.
Monte
Is your field/expertise really one that lends itself to being an expert witness? If you are unfamiliar with Daubert standards, google it and find out whether your proposed testimony can meet those standards. If you are not an academic, though, it will be exceedingly difficult.
Even if not, you may have expertise that is useful to helping attorneys or parties in terms of litigation strategy. You need to find yourself a forum in which you appear before lawyers in this space — D&I conferences would be a place to start networking.
Cat
In search of recommendations for (real) gardening clogs — my mom wants a “cute” pair but they of course need to be good quality and functional. Favorite brand suggestions?
Anon
Sloggers
Mpls
What constitutes real/fake? What does your mom want out of gardening shoes?
I got some Crocs, mostly because they are easy to slip on and off and I can hose them off if they get muddy. I use old running shoes for mowing or when it gets colder.
Anon
I think the real was modifying the gardening, not the shoes.
Cat
As opposed to euphemism gardening :)
She currently uses old running shoes and doesn’t like that her feet inevitably end up wet.
Anon
Literal gardening as opposed to “gardening” as used here (s3x).
Ellen
Who gardens with their shoes on, other then mabye Client #9? The simple thought of him huffeing and puffeing on top of me with his spats and black socks with holes in them is enough to make me sware off $ex with almost every man! DOUBEL PTOOEY!
Anon
Avid gardener here – I don’t like crocs for gardening because of the holes in the top. It makes a real difference when you’re in a muddy plot, or doing something like turning or tilling soil. I prefer solid rubber clogs specifically made for gardening. I got mine at a garden center.
Telco Lady JD
Also, if anyone has any recommendations for “gardening” clogs….that would be very funny.
Trouble breathing
DH has been having trouble breathing these past few months, coupled with pinched-nerve-like pains in his back (scapular muscles). He no longer has pain in his back, but still is generally fatigued and has mild difficulty breathing, even when sitting still. No issues with blood panel other than mild vitamin D deficiency, nothing on chest x ray. ECG picked up a very slight anomaly and he is due for further testing with a cardiologist next week. DH just turned 40 and has been chronically stressed at work due to the toxic culture. When I had similar issues it was iron deficiency anemia, but I’m worried it’s more perhaps troublesome.
I know I should wait for the test results, and not sure what I’m asking, but I’m just getting so anxious. Also appreciate any input if anyone has experienced anything similar.
Anon.
Asthma or allergies? (It’s been bad this year where I live in the Midwest.)
Also, anxiety disorders can manifest themselves with trouble breathing.
Anon
Have you worked with a pulmonologist? Shortness of breath is usually investigated for lung issues in parallel with heart and other issues. A chest x-ray won’t rule out asthma, COPD, allergies, and autoimmune disorders that affect the lung. He should be working with a pulmonologist getting lung function tests, allergy tests, etc. Adult onset asthma is not as common as childhood asthma but it is a thing and can come on after an upper respiratory infection or new environmental triggers (has he been exposed to increased dust, pollen, mold, or building construction materials)?
In addition, anxiety attacks can result in shortness of breath, so he may want to ask his doctor about that. In the short term, he needs an inhaler.
Anonymous
It can take a few different specialist referrals before you sort this out. I bounced from cardiology to pulmonology to the gastrointestinal service before they sorted out what was going on. I think they start with cardiology first because that’s an area where it is really important to rule out problems, then rule out asthma as the next most serious problem, and then assess. So hang in there.
Anonymous
Why would a date mention other dates? Is this the expectation now with online dating?
I’m mid 30s and divorced. I’ve been dating a man I met in real life through a friend. It has been a month, and he told me he is actively using dating apps. Which I am fine with. But I’ve never used them. They weren’t a thing before I got married. Anyway, he will bring up horror stories, which make me laugh, but today we were texting about making weekend plans. He commented a date tonight canceled because she has to put her dog to sleep. It felt awkward to read that.
We aren’t exclusive. He asked to be exclusive with gardening, which makes it even harder to understand why he is still on these apps. I told him I feel he isn’t giving me a chance by actively searching for other women to date. He doesn’t see it that way and says everyone on dating apps knows they are seeing multiple people. Am I just behind the times? I really would prefer to not hear about his other dates when trying to get to know him.
Anon
No, it’s common courtesy not to mention other dates, even if the understanding is that you’re not exclusive until you have the talk.
Anon
This is just weird. IME, it is an unwritten rule of dating that you don’t mention other dates to the person.
But, more importantly, do you want to be exclusive with this person? Everyone on dating apps knows/expects that the people they meet are also talking to other people at first. But, assuming you are seeing each other multiple times a week, I don’t think that is true after a month. Based on my limited sample size of friends, having the exclusive talk after 6-8 dates is pretty normal. If you don’t know if you want to be exclusive with someone at that point and you are in your 30s and looking for something long-term, that is a pretty bad sign.
OP
We’ve been seeing each other 2-4 times a week and texting every day. I think it is getting to the point of being exclusive, especially if he asked about it for gardening. He is late 30s, a few years older than me, and claims he is dating to find a serious relationship because he wants to get married and have a child.
I don’t want to keep investing significant amounts of my time in someone who is looking for someone better on an app. It feels like the old stereotype of someone looking over their shoulder at a partner to find somone better to talk to.
Anonymous
Oh he’s gross move on.
Anon
I’ve dated on the apps fairly extensively and this is not how it’s done. There’s definitely an understanding that there are other dates in the picture until there’s an agreement that there aren’t, but no one talks about it! Based only on this information, I think this guy is not interesting in developing a real relationship with you, and is interested in something casual only.
Anonymous
He sounds immature. I wouldn’t necessarily ding someone for bringing up other dates (though sharing personal details, like putting their dog to sleep, crosses a line imo). But I would be super turned off if I told a guy, dude that bothers me please don’t, and he was all, wut everyone’s doing it.
How Long
I dated online after my divorce, and expected that everyone was going on other dates unless we specifically decided to be exclusive. BUT none of my dates ever, ever talked about other dates. Horror stories of people clearly in the past, sometimes, but talking about other people we were actively dating seems very disrespectful in my opinion.
Another HUGE flag here. He wants to be exclusive in gardening but continue to date others? This would be a big no from me. What’s the point of gardening exclusively with one person but also dating others?
Anon
Yeah I don’t understand the dating but not gardening with others thing at all. And I’m old fashioned and didn’t want to garden casually, but that I meant I waited for gardening until the relationship was exclusive.
anon
“He doesn’t see it that way and says everyone on dating apps knows they are seeing multiple people.”
This is just not true…this is certainly not something that everyone does. Nor is it something that you are required to tolerate. That doesn’t mean you can stop him from dating others if he’s not ready to be exclusive (entirely) with you, but it does mean you can stop seeing him. (I will say that current culture is to assume there’s a possibility people might go out with others before you’re exclusive, but that’s different from stating that everyone knows everyone is seeing other people. There are a hundred reasons why people might prefer to date only one person at a time.)
It is also reasonable for you to not want to hear about other dates. Don’t try to force yourself to be the Cool Girl who is okay with listening to it/not getting your needs met. Sounds to me like he’s keeping you at arms length for some reason, or wanting to keep your expectations low. Or trying to make himself seem desirable.
Worry about yourself
Oh, that’s a nope from me! Of course it’s okay to keep dating around until you decide to be exclusive with one person, but most people do this discretely, out of respect for the people we’re seeing and their feelings. This is not something people need to, or really should be, honest about when dating.
The one guy I dated who told me there were other women in the mix turned out to be a huge sleazeball, and in hindsight he was probably doing something similar to the “hurry, there are other interested buyers” tactic to influence my behavior. It was like, hey, if I was going to be disagreeable on this date, or if I didn’t want to “garden” on a certain night, okay then, there were other pretty, interesting ladies he could call, so it was up to me . . . I really should have walked away from that guy much, much sooner than I did.
Anonymous
That is incredibly disrespectful to you. Call him out for BS and then walk away. You deserve so much more.
Anonymous
I learned on this site that it is better re: environmental impact to drive an old less fuel efficient car into the ground than to buy a new fuel efficient car (seriously I for one quite enjoy these green discussions and always learn something new). I have a question though that maybe someone can answer. What about selling an older less fuel efficient car, that was purchased used, and buying a used but newer car that is more fuel efficient?
Anon
Buying a used fuel efficient car > buying a regular used car > buying a new car that is fuel efficient. I fully intend to get a used hybrid when my car goes kaput.
Anonymous
If you regularly commute long distances, it may make sense to buy the newer but used fuel efficient car.
Anonymous
I drive A LOT for court appearances throughout my state, this is something I will consider