Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Woven & Knit Zip Jacket
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This knit zip jacket from Nic + Zoe has been sitting in my Nordstrom cart for months, and I think this light blue color might be what actually makes me pull the trigger. I like the collarless style for a slightly more casual topper, and the light blue will pair nicely with most of my summer neutrals.
I would probably wear this with a navy dress for an easy summer office look.
The jacket is $198 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in black and “sugar cookie.”
For something more affordable (while a bit more casual), check out this zip cardigan at ASOS for $96 (take 15% off with code); it's available in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 5/19/25:
- Nordstrom Rack – Looking for a deal on a Dyson hairdryer? The Rack has several refurbished ones for $199-$240 (instead of $400+) — but they're final sale only.
- M.M.LaFleur – Daily flash sales, and lots of twill suiting on sale! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off. 5/19's flash sale: Jardigans down to $175-$209, dresses down to $150, blazers down to $250
- Nordstrom – Lots of markdowns on AGL (50%!), Weitzman, Tumi, Frank & Eileen, Zella, Natori, Cole Haan, Boss, Theory, Reiss (coats), Vince, Eileen Fisher, Spanx, and Frame (denim and silk blouses)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off summer-ready styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new women's styles with code + sale up to 50% off
- Eloquii – 50-60% off select styles
- J.Crew – 60% off sale, and 40% off packing picks (prices as marked)
- J.Crew Factory – New arrivals, plus up to 60% off everything plus extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – 30% off dresses, skirts, shoes, and accessories
I’m really struggling with where I am on life. Some things are good, some are not, but the TLDR is that I am very happy in my day to day life, but unhappy in the “big picture” of my life.
I’m 31, and have been single most of my adult life, save for a long distance relationship that ended last year. I’m on the apps and I go on dates and I do a lot to put myself out there and yet I feel like I’m always a second choice. Of course, my ex started seriously dating someone like 6 weeks after our break up. I know that long term I want a partner and a family, and while I”m 31 and know there’s time, I also know there’s not a ton of time, which is very stressful to me. I also feel like, since I’ve been single this long, there’s something inherently wrong with me – why else would I have had a couple situationships/FWB and no relationships for the past 10+ years?
I was, until recently, really happy with my social life but upon deeper reflection, I’m only partially happy with it. I have some awesome, ride or die friends both local and long-distance. I have a very active social life – I honestly have plans 5-6x a week doing a variety of different activities. However, I had a few painful realizations about a few friendships (mostly that some are more surface level than I thought they were). Additionally, as more and more friends buy houses, move to the suburbs (or to other cities permanently), and start families I’m worried about how I’ll fit into their lives as their lives “progress” and mine does not.
Then finally there’s career. This whole existential crisis was kind of set off by an ultimately minor setback at work that has me spiraling. For starters, I’m a fed so everything work is fraught and stressful right now. Before January, I LOVED my career. It’s very mission based and I feel strongly about the mission area. I like my day to day. I have a bunch of friends at work. In my field, the compensation is good even if it’s not terribly highly paid. My job has a field work element that I love – it’s hard work and requires long hours and time away from home but I feel alive when I’m in the field. I am good at my job, I’m confident and knowledgeable about the field, and I have a good reputation; however, my current role is not the best fit for me. I had recently applied for an internal promotion (that I was asked to apply for) and found out yesterday that I did not get the role. I know it’s a minor setback, but it’s just been a tough pill to swallow on top of everything.
Basically, since I’m dissatisfied with other parts of my life I put a lot of stock into my career and so a setback there is really just tough to take. It’s like okay I don’t have a partner, I don’t own a house, I’m unhappy with XYZ AND I don’t get this role?
There are a handful of minor things too – the stress from work has led me to gain weight so I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been – I hate how I look and I”m not in good enough shape to do some activities I like.
I have an emergency fund and some investments but not enough money to do things that I want to do that would get me out of my rut (big trip, buy a condo in the city, freeze my eggs, not have the crappiest car of anyone I know).The internal role I didn’t get would have come with a raise, which would have been great and I could have started to make progress on these goals but no dice.
The stress of everything is also exacerbating my depression. I’m working on this with my doctor and therapist, but it’s been tough. My apartment is cluttered because it’s been hard to be organized (ADHD + depression makes this really hard on me). I had to drop out of a graduate school class last minute because I wasn’t going to pass because I’ve been struggling; I”m now on academic probation and I have to figure that out. Even though I do fine financially, I don’t do “buy pretty things” or “live in a nice apartment” well, so my small 1BR is fine, my mostly Gap wardrobe is fine, my 17 year old Camry is fine – but nothing’s like wow that’s really what I want (aside from being debt free).
I feel like I”m doing all of the “right” things. I have several hobbies I”m quite invested in. I’m on the apps and I’m dating. I have a mostly good and very active social life (though I’m still hurting from the recent situation). I’m close with my family (and they live nearby so I see them often). I volunteer. My work travel makes my life not pet friendly, but I do foster and pet sit so I get plenty of pet time. I’m mostly healthy and try to live a healthy lifestyle (sleep, exercise, time outdoors, healthy eating) with balance so as to not be a slave to it.
It just feels like EVERYONE is either making progress in life and I”m not and most of them are prettier or thinner or richer or more organized or healthier or whatever than I am. I’m still enjoying my day to day quite a bit -it’s not like I want a house in the burbs and a husband and a baby right now. I just want to be in a place in life where I am “better off” and that future family isn’t totally out of the realm of possibility. Like I love that my life consists of regularly happy hours or dinners out with friends and a city life. I’m not ready to give that up (and am reminded of that when I talk to friends who have a baby and live in the burbs), but also I don’t want to be 40 and living the same life I have now – that feels shallow and tired to me. I thought I was about a year away from buying a condo or something in a fun neighborhood in the city, but that’s less likely now given the situation.
I used to work for USAID and the future of just having a career and not enough of a personal life is actually why I switched agencies. I knew so many women in their 30s and 40s with kick@ss careers who were very successful and doing such b@dass stuff, but it came at the expense of a personal life. I recognized that and left that agency years ago. Of course, now they don’t even have their careers. The agency, and our field as a whole, disappeared overnight. My agency is going through changes, obviously, and I don’t know what, if any, future I have in the agency – we know cuts are coming but we don’t know when or who.
I know that other people’s perceptions don’t matter, but that’s hard to really accept. I was at a friend’s party recently where I saw lots of friends of friends I haven’t seen much of recently. I had nothing really when asked what’s new with me. What’s new with me? I’m still single, still in the same apartment I’ve been in for 3 years, still in grad school (and not making much progress towards finishing), still not hitting financial goals, and still at my job (that while I generally am happy there – no promotion or anything new to report on there). The only thing that has changed is that I’m heavier than the last time you saw me. Meanwhile, everyone around me has some new exciting thing going on.
My two best friends are people who have recently had really exciting personal accomplishments and I don’t want to bring this up to them because I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to bring them down or cast a dark shadow over their exciting accomplishments.
I know perception isn’t reality, but it does feel like everyone my age has some fun new thing happening or if they don’t it’s because they’ve already hit milestones I’m still working towards.
I’m at a similar place. 30/31, long term single. A lot of married friends and a lot of weddings to go to this year. I do won an apartment but thats because my parents gave me the downpayment – so keep things like that in mind.
I do sometimes place more attention on my career bc its the thing I feel is going the “best”. The “what’s new” question is hard. I’ve been coming up with a hobby based answer to it – even “I joined XYZ sports team” is fine because it gives a way for the conversation to continue and people are fine talking about that. I also think they guess that I don’t have any of those other things to talk about, so then they don’t bring it up. Which works well.
I think this is really the point where there is no more structure and life isn’t on a schedule. High school -> college -> first job is all very formulaic and people are more or less on the same level. But eventually in life that diverges. It’s hard to get used to. I don’t have any advice, just wanted to commiserate. Having some single friends or even chill couple friends (who don’t have kids) generally helps.
I’m in a similar situation and it sucks. I had a dream recently in which I found out I medically couldn’t have children and was sad but also so relieved because it felt like it “took the pressure off” to settle down in a certain time frame. Alas, it was a dream and I still feel the pressure.
Honestly this just reads like a text book description of depression. You’re fine your life is fine the rest of us don’t all have it together. But you’re depressed and stuck and just need to keep working on meds and therapy and you will get there. And speaking from experience asking my therapist for self care ideas and then actually doing her stupid annoying ideas like meditation and little walks really did help
I’d say it’s probably more situational depression. I was in a similar-ish situation where I was fine but didn’t have the one thing I really wanted. When I got the one thing I sobbed uncontrollably for a few days and then I was pretty much magically happier.
Not that everyone else has everything together and the OP doesn’t, but as a fellow long term single it is so hard.
You have to go to events alone, and everyone else is there with a partner. You have to do everything for your house alone (not just the big stuff but also the “I have to be the one to take the trash out AGAIN”). You have to spread out who you have your deep convos with so as not annoy or be a burden on friends because you don’t have a partner to have these discussions with. You have to plan for the future entirely alone. You eat dinner alone every night. Plus, of course the singles tax.
Plus you do start to feel what is wrong with me that nobody wants to be with me? Do I have some awful flaw? Why am I so undesirable? Are my friends and family and acquaintances pitying me?
If you want kids, you know the biological clock is ticking.
Yeah I know I’m 41 and single and pregnant and living in a one bedroom rental. I’m not some smug married suggesting it is easy but it’s way better why you aren’t depressed.
I agree with half of this. I don’t think OP needs medication or therapy. Agree that the rest of us don’t have our stuff together either. I read through the OP post (I always skip the long ones) and feel the angst and at 41, I’ve definitely been there. Have often had periods of feeling physically and emotionally “heavy” and dissatisfied.
It’s ok to be the second choice of people who are wrong for you. Not saying there’s a “soul mate” out there, but I am saying DC (not sure you said where you live, but it screams DC to me) is a crappy place to date and it can take so much time. You’re doing all the right things. All you can do it keep it up and wait for “your turn.”
If you aren’t a part of a gym, join one. If you can get a zepbound prescription, talk to your doctor. A focus on the physical will at least keep your brain occupied. Get some sunlight. It sounds like you have a lot that’s going right for you, but you’re at an age where people around you (and you, too!) are going to start changing and it can be scary wondering whether you’ll still be a part of people’s lives. Some people you will, some people you won’t, and it won’t be the people you expect, either.
Good luck, OP! Rooting for you. Growing up doesn’t stop getting harder just because we get older.
She had to drop out of school the depression is so bad and she says she is already working with a doctor and a therapist so I think it’s fully wild to suggest she doesn’t need professional help. I’m just encouraging her to lean into those resources!
OP here – I’m definitely staying medicated and in therapy!
Usually with a low dose of an SSRI and 1x a month therapy my depression is a non factor for me. But, the insanity of living through this administration and living in fear of losing my job has made the depression worse so we’re working on adjusting meds / more frequent therapy.
Basically I was having trouble focusing on school work and turning things in on time so I had a C in the class which puts you in poor academic standing so I did a late withdrawal.
Yeah I remember! I’m not judging at all I have been there. Just saying that I’d focus on healing from the depression because everything else will be more manageable when that is being treated more effectively.
I’m not in DC, both thankfully and unfortunately.
I’m glad I’m somewhere cheaper and closer to family and friends.
I’m still in a big east coast city so people don’t settle down early and people are still career driven (I think I’d be struggling even more in a more “settle down young snd have kids” culture) BUT, I’m also in an area thats not nearly as career focused as DC so less people here are career > all else.
Lol, sure, just exercise your depression away. That’s so helpful.
Look, it isn’t the answer for everyone, but exercise and the sun can be a quick fix for people who haven’t given it a shot.
Okay so I am in my mid-40s and I get the “everyone’s life is moving on without me” feeling. As the long time singleton, it happened when everyone got married, had kids, etc. That said, I don’t want kids and I don’t care about getting married so even though I am in a different place than you there, I still understand the feeling.
It’s going to sound trite but comparison is the thief of joy. You are so active and you have so many things going on it your life that it’s impossible you don’t have something fun to talk about when the what’s new question comes up (the last dog you pet sat for surely did something cute, you definitely did something fun in one of your hobbies or tried a new place or had a great meal or something). As you know, the problem is that you feel you aren’t shareable unless it’s a house, kid, or husband, but your friends care about you which means they really want to know what you’re up to! Tell them!
What helps me when I am feeling sorry for myself is to truly be honest with myself about the good things I DO have. You clearly also have good things in your life! I think your depression is of course playing a role here, but force yourself to identify a few things you are enjoying about your life. Don’t be a debbie downer about it – be open to it. If you start from the place of my life sucks, then that’s what you will see. Reading your post, I don’t think your life sucks at all. It sounds like you have a lot going on!
So anyway, the answer IMO/E is that you have got to run your own race and stop comparing yourself to others and enjoy your life in present day. It’s annoying for me to say that because comparing is so easy but you really have to work hard not to. Appreciating what you do have while taking the small steps to make changes to get where you want to be is the way forward (my $0.02).
GDit the site ate my long ass post.
TLDR: your life sounds interesting to me! You have to stop comparing yourself to others and live your own life – appreciating what you have while making small changes to get to where you want to be. Also, yes, this is a lot of your depression talking here too.
And FWIW, I am mid-40s and the long-time singleton of all of my friend groups who has felt like everyone’s life is moving on without me, why do I have to do this all by myself again, etc., feelings.
All of those things you’re doing now – debt free, working hard, building up a good reputation – will really pay off within the next few years. So you have that going for you. (I’m a little over a decade older than you and I can really see this stuff play out over time.)
Regarding finding a partner: plenty of really wonderful people struggle to find someone. Dating is a hellscape.
Early on in your story, you speculated that something is wrong with you because all of your friends have great relationships and you struggle. Then later you say that you can’t do the activities you want and you’re unhappy with your body.
Can I suggest that you find an athletic activity that you enjoy and do that? You work and have an active social life, so this would probably involve meeting your friends for barre class, a kayak, or a walk in the park instead of drinks. Move your body. The sunshine and endorphins will help. You will have more energy. You will feel better about your body even if your weight doesn’t change at all.
I work out about 5x a week, usually 2-3 of which are outdoors and with friends (the rest is lifting indoors alone). Usually 1-2 runs with a friend a week and a social (but still challenging) league sport once a week.
Then on weekends I usually do some sort of outdoors hobby, usually with friends or my mom but occasionally alone: hiking, long bike ride, paddle boarding, tennis.
I’d say these sorts of activities are my main hobby. I do other stuff too (weekly bar trivia, crocheting, reading, finding cool local activities to do with friends or family, hosting rotating dinners with friends).
So when people
Ask what is new. All that stuff. Is what you talk about
This is a lot of stuff to talk about when someone asks ‘what’s new?’
Ok the issue isn’t really “what’s new” it’s that it doesn’t feel like my life is “progressing”. I have no trips or new living situation or someone new I’m seeing to bring to the party or big news or new accomplishments and I haven’t in YEARS.
Heck – I used ro do triathslons and half marathons but Ivr gotten out of shape so I’m not even doing that right now (and I’m so out of shape I can’t start training. I’d need to train just to get to the point where I’m in shape enough to start actually training). Yes, you can be very active and still not be in great shape – I now run 2 miles with a friend instead of 5. I lift a lot lighter than I used to.
Ask your therapist for help
With your perfectionism too
Why does it have to ‘progress’? Why can’t it just be? Partners are not the be all and end all of relationships. They can be difficult and wonderful just like relationships with parents and friends. I’m not saying it’s fun and easy being single if you want a partner but a partnered relationship is not going to work if you’re hanging your happiness on that in the midst of already having such a full life. Your happiness is a lot of pressure to concentrate on one relationship.
But what a lot of people are saying and you’re not hearing is that life after college graduation and your first few jobs isn’t necessarily about “progressing” for most people. Some people get married and sometimes it makes them happier, sometimes it’s a disaster. Some people stay in the same job forever, other people keep climbing the career ladder, others switch jobs a lot without a clear progression. Some people have kids and most of them are happy about it, but it often brings a lot of heartbreak and struggle and a few regret it. Most people accumulate wealth as they age, but the rate at which they do this varies dramatically and there are plenty of people who face reversals of fortune. Lots of people struggle with health issues, either themselves or take care of sick friends or family members. Some die. It really sounds like you have a great life right now, and while I understand that being single isn’t ideal and the situation with the federal government is really awful, I’d focus more on changing the small parts of your life that you don’t like than this unrealistic obsession with “progressing.” I do agree with everyone else that this is probably mostly depression talking (I’ve been there), so focusing on that and realizing that this is an especially crappy time of life that you just need to get through might help the most.
“I have no trips or new living situation or someone new I’m seeing to bring to the party or big news or new accomplishments and I haven’t in YEARS.”
Um, it’s not normal to constantly have updates in these areas.
Yeah it’s not normal to have big changes constantly but in the 25-35 age range lots of people do have pretty frequent big changes.
Lots of people start dating their eventual spouse, lots of people get married, lots of people buy a house, lots of people now have disposable income for the first time to travel or get into an expensive hobby or just upgrade their everyday items.
It tapers off once people have kids and buy a “forever” house, but big changes are frequent in your late 20s and early 30s
Anon at 11:14 expressed what I expressed below.
For some people, ages 18 to 30 are full of updates. Good for them. But that’s not normal; if you do all of that in your 20s and early 30s, the next 50 years are pretty sparse for fun shiny new things.
OP, we are trying to tell you that what you see going on around you now – all of these updates and changes for your friends – might be how adult life has gone for the last decade but is NOT how adult life goes forever.
As someone 15 years older, don’t worry so much about the what’s new question. Once you hit a certain point in life, there aren’t so many obvious milestones, and if there are, they aren’t necessarily good. In your 20s and early 30s, it’s mostly graduations, new jobs, new relationships, engagements, new babies, etc., but it doesn’t take that long before it takes a turn into also including a lot of layoffs, breakups, divorces, sickness, and deaths (mostly of parents, but of a surprising number of my peers too). I see the what’s new question as more of an open ended way of asking what’s going on with you, good or bad, that you feel like talking about, rather than asking specifically about your job or family or relationship, any one of which might be an unknown touchy subject. Depending on who asks it and your mood, you could rant about DOGE, talk about your grad degree, talk about a hobby, tell them you feel stuck a bit stuck in a rut, or just say “not much, how about you?” Most people really aren’t having wonderful things happening to them constantly, though it might feel like that for a few years at the age where your friends are most likely to be getting married, which is probably where you are right now.
Yeah I know not having an answer for that isn’t the end of the world, but I’d love to have some of those life changes happen to me too
I hate the question, as a 41 year old. But I also have no shame saying “absolutely nothing is new or exciting. Let me live vicariously through you.” That’s just how it is sometimes.
+1. I’m in my 40s, and the answer to “what’s new” is “not a whole lot, unless you want to talk about my mom’s cancer, my sister’s brutal divorce, my midlife ennui and career crisis, or how my ADHD kid has stepped in it at school again.” But for real, my answer is to usually talk about something very minor that I’m doing and let the conversation unfold from there.
OP, it sounds like you’re going through a really rough patch, and the depression is making everything worse.
Which, by the way, is what your friends want to hear about!! They aren’t expecting a major life milestone every time they see you.
I’m 44 and this forts paragraph is spot on.
In some ways, it’s easier to cruise into middle age if you haven’t constantly hit milestones in your 20s and early 30s.
If you think about ages 18 to 30: high school graduation, college graduation, meet someone, move in together, engagement, marriage, promotion, baby #1, new house, baby #2… that’s a shiny new life event every 2 years or so.
And then it comes to a crashing halt. Hence the midlife crisis.
Oh gawd, you have helped me identify something in my own life.
As someone who has many of the things you say you want, I will say that I would love to trade places with you. You live in a fun city, have an active social life, have several hobbies, have the freedom to move to a new city (or country) if you want to, can go to the movies or concerts, can travel whenever you want, don’t live with a partner who infuriates you, and can spend a day doing whatever you want without feeling guilty. You made some smart career decisions that allowed you to dodge layoffs, and you have a job you love. Your surface-level friends aren’t telling you that they are secretly envious.
If I were you I would drop out of grad school and cut my losses. You tried it and it didn’t work for you. Yes I know this means you will have to start paying student loans for a degree you didn’t get. This has happened to many people and they survived. Maybe you can try grad school again later, but it doesn’t sound like it’s the best fit for you right now. Make a point to exercise every day – exercise will give you the dopamine boost which will help you manage your depression. Keep going to therapy. Talk to your doctor about adjusting your medication dose or type to better manage your depression. Go to concerts and travel and invite your mom friends along – they would welcome the opportunity to escape their family lives for a bit. Get a fun new haircut to shake things up. You have a lot of good things going on right now and you should focus on that.
Thanks for this perspective!
I only have one class left for my masters so I do want to finish – I’ve already invested a lot of time and money into this stupid degree. Luckily I have been able to cash flow the degree, so no debt (and this is why I can’t afford to do other things I want to do… I need to remind myself of that).
My mom friends (only 2, plus one who is due in a week!) are all moms of babies < 6 months old, so they all have to be home for bedtime to nurse. I do see the one maybe 1x a month and I do love being an auntie to her daughter, but the other two aren’t really ready for anything social yet – though I do call the one to get her some adult conversation as she’s still on mat leave and her husband is back at work).
The friend I do see has mentioned that sadly a lot of her other friends have gone MIA since she had the baby, so it’s even more important to me that we keep hanging out
So my absolute favorite thing when I was a new mom was for my friends to come to me and just sit and talk at 7 pm so I could cluster feed the baby and not feel like I was going to jump out of my skin because I hadn’t showered for 4 days and could.not.move without the baby crying – if you are able to go to your friends w/ babies every once in a while I think it would be a balm for you and for them!
yes, or go over after bedtime and hang out. my DH traveled a ton for work/worked late and i had a friend who used to come over and we’d hang and watch tv etc. obvoiusly if this doesnt sound fun to you dont do it, but if you want to hang with your friend, there are still ways to do so
This. I would feel like a dork to invite a friend over to binge watch a new show and drink mocktails while I nursed but somehow it was okay to do that in our 20s all the time (without the baby)?
I think a big chunk of this is end-of-grad-school ennui. Once you finish, you will have more time; you will have more money. Of course you can’t upgrade your car now – you’ve been paying for grad classes. If you can get yourself through the last course for grad school, then you will free up a big chunk of cash and time. It will also give you a “milestone” that might help you feel better. Throw yourself an amazing graduation party!
I also seriously recommend weight loss drugs. You’re already doing so much activity and exercise; give yourself the added help of a GLP. If you’re seeing a doctor and a therapist already, consider a discussion of whether a medication change could help with the weight gain or the depression or the total package. For me, Lexapro caused significant weight gain (although it also saved my life, so that was a good thing.)
You don’t even know if she’s overweigjt
I just turned 40 and I’m struggling with a lot of the same feelings – single, no partner, no kids, no house, no amazing career, weight gain, etc etc. I have no advice but I feel you. I’m actually pretty content not having kids, but it’s hard feeling like I’m so behind everyone else I know.
I’m twenty years older than you and I could have written this at 31. It’s just being 31. It’s an age where you’re not naturally moving at the same pace as everyone in your peer group. I’d argue you’re just barely old enough to consider a long term relationship, not terminally single. Everything is still in front of you. And it’s okay to run your own race and figure out what makes you happy. Stay open to different possibilities – maybe kids, maybe not, maybe this career, maybe something else. See what happens. You don’t need to have it all figured out right now.
One thing that’s kind of hitting me right now is that it seems like most of my friends who want the same things I want* may not have all of those things, but they have some things and I don’t. Friend A is also single but she bought a house. Friend B travels a ton and graduated grad school. Friend C just got engaged, etc.
I’d never expect to have all of those things by now, but ome or two should be reasonable.
It’s almost like I have no “phase 2 adult” accomplishments. I’ve done the graduate college, settle into a career, get an apartment thing – but I did that at 22. The next phase of accomplishments or milestones has been eluding me and as a result I’m feeling “less adult” than my peers.
Maybe it would be useful to investigate why it matters to you that you are chasing these so called phase 2 adult things. Do you really want all of them right now (you already said no) or do you just want them because you are comparing yourself to others? Your friends don’t care that you have or do not have these things. Who are you trying to prove that you are “adulting” properly to? There is no one way to adult.
You made trade offs – cash flowed grad school instead of buying a place for example. Some things are out of your control but you have agency. Start making small changes if you really want to get these things.
This is about how you are framing it. Why don’t you think of it as you accomplishing these things and they are ‘catching up’.
If you have ADHD, try new activities to break the accomplishment cycle. I pick up at least one new activity I’ve never tried each year because I need the novelty. Some I stick with and some were a fun weekend class on something new.
You’re right – I don’t want them all right now but I do want them to feel like they’re possible in the near future and they do not feel possible.
Right now it feels like nothing big is achievable.
I do want to buy a place, travel, and/or feel like I can “upgrade” some things in my life. I do want to be in a loving, supportive, fun serious relationship. I do want a promotion and for my career to feel stable.
Dude, you need a new therapist and/or new meds if they haven’t helped you with this yet. I agree that this is just being 31. It sucks! You need to break this cycle of thinking about life like it’s only “big” accomplishments that can provide meaning. That’s why I’m surprised therapy hasn’t helped you.
My life still has meaning and theres a lot I enjoy about my life, but there are things I want that just feel so far away!
+1
All of these things are possible but there are always going to be trade offs and things out of your control. You need better tools to help work through your feelings on this. You’re only 31!!
I mean, at a certain point you just have to suck it up and stop wallowing in self-pity!
I’m a fed, too, and I constantly underestimate how much this administration’s war on public service takes its toll on my mental well-being and sense of personal meaning. I am also depressed, and then I feel ashamed, because my life looks wonderful on paper and I ought to be grateful and of course the grass is always greener on the other side, yada yada yada. But being robbed of a source of meaning can cause grief and depression. When I reframe my depression as grief, I give myself a little more grace from shame and I focus on healing rather than fixing. Healing and coping, for me, looks like physical activity, therapy, and honestly, some wallowing. I’ve been reflecting back on the early covid days to remind myself that I will get through this difficult period where I’m grieving “what was supposed to be” and to remind myself of coping skills. The early covid days reminds me that I can survive hard circumstances that feel like existential threats, and sometimes the only thing to be done is to push through. Keep going. Take each day at a time–especially since it sounds like you are experiencing some happiness on a day-to-day level.
It sounds like you have wonderful things going for you, and like you know it, but don’t feel it. Maybe give yourself space to process your grief over “what was supposed to be” instead of feeling shame or beating yourself up about how to fix it?
Yes, I feel like no one (Feds included) realizes how hard this all hits. It’s scary and upsetting snd anger inducing and sad and destabilizing and something you never thought would happen all at once.
I didn’t realize just how much it was impacting me until I restarted therapy.
It’s the fear of losing your career and financial stability plus the fear of what’s happening to our country plus the grief over knowing the services I worked to provide to vulnerable populations no longer exist so knowing people will suffer plus the loss of a passion plus the public hatred all at once. It’s so so hard
Yeah, because feds are the only ones who care about our country.
No one is saying this. People on this board love to attack the Feds. You can’t have a post about being a fed without people piling on.
Yes lots and lots of people are horrified and scared of what’s happening here, but the Feds are a) dealing with that on top of everything else and b) have invested their lives into us having a functional government. My literal life’s work is being destroyed.
This place loves feds and feeds into their ideas that they’re martyrs.
No need to kick Feds while they’re down, gosh.
We’re being attacked enough by our employer, we don’t need this from you too.
I’m the 10:51 poster. I’m not trying to instigate a thread about the self-righteousness of feds. My point isn’t really about being a Fed, per se, when it comes to recognizing and working through grief about “what was supposed to be.” It could be learning you can’t have kids, it could be losing a major job promotion, it could be a huge deal that fell through, it could be dealing with a major illness in the family, and from my example, it could be the experience of living through covid. My point was that sometimes we lose a source of meaning in our own lives, and the grief can spill over and make the rest of life look glum and static. Grief makes you look around and think, is this it? Is this what’s left?
This is real. There’s an article in the WaPo today about the mental health effects on federal workers. An excerpt: “In one oft-cited study, people ranked unemployment as more traumatic than being cheated on or going through a divorce. Even more than abruptly becoming blind or deaf.
Sudden job loss increases risk of suicide, depression and anxiety, studies show. Mass layoffs magnify that impact.
In 2011, economists examined a decade of data and found that mass layoffs resulted in an additional suicide for every 4,200 men and for every 7,100 women losing their jobs. Mass layoffs can devastate entire communities, they noted, fracturing social networks and creating pools of applicants fighting over limited jobs….
“We are shattering people’s sense of mission, identity and value as human beings,” Spencer-Thomas said. “Those left behind by the layoffs are struggling with survivor’s guilt and this sense that their world is collapsing.”
https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/2025/05/20/federal-workers-trump-mental-health/
As a fellow early 30s single fed – when I turned 30 everyone told me that the 30s are more fun than the 20s. The same fun and freedom but you have more money and you’re more established as to who you are and more confident.
Well jokes on me because obviously I have no job stability or financial security anymore.
Do you follow Tinx? I think she has a lot of good advice for 30 something singles at this point in history. As a 40 something with kids, my “what’s new” is only really ever about my kids. I have no social life, and it gives me a bit of the ick to act like their things are mine to gab about.
Lots of good perspectives here.
From someone 25 years older, honestly you are doing way too much. Focus. Decide what is important TODAY, and go for it.
Your list of full time job, grad school, trying to advance career, scheduled outings with friends 5 days per week, exercise 5x per week, doctor and therapists, dating, weight loss, a dozen hobbies, nearby family…..you made me stressed just reading.
You need to focus and pick one or two things to focus on, at let other things fill in loosely around that. First, get your butt in gear and FINISH GRAD SCHOOL. No excuses. You are procrastinating. Let your future career move forward.
This is life in your 30s. No one truly has it all and everyone is compromising. Living a life of meaning – not arbitrary trad life milestones – should be the goal, in my opinion. You need to stop thinking about a student.
Decide what is meaningful for you.
I do intend to finish grad school, likely next spring. I need to focus on my mental health and job situation (will I have one tomorrow? I don’t know) right now, but the current goal is to finish by May ‘26
+1. Actually it seems like you need more downtime. And then to focus on the things that really matter to you. Your one class away from graduating so you could achieve that in just a semester if you focus.
This struck me, too. You’re trying to do a lot, and I would be asking whether this is serving you well.
I think we all have periods of life where we feel like we’re standing still (or regressing) and everyone else is moving forward. Those times are really hard. For me, I got divorced in my mid-thirties around the same time many of my friends were getting married, having kids, buying new bigger houses. The only thing that really helped me was therapy and the passage of time and the ebb and flow of our lives. I’m remarried now, and I have a job I love and a toddler. I know, though, that there will be a day in the future when I will again feel like the one on the sidelines.
If it helps, I felt similarly at 31. My life is quite different now at 41, and I have achieved a lot of those milestones I was longing for at 31. Some of us are on a different – maybe slower, maybe nonlinear – path towards “phase 2” adulthood, and that’s ok!
I think most parts of the country are experiencing a ton of wind, which is a new development.
How are we commuting in this wind (I walk everywhere I go: work, dates, happy hour with friends) without having totally messy hair?
My hair is fine so it tangles easily and also doesn’t hold a style well (I usually just blow it out straight).
I live in Scotland, which is perpetually windy… I wear my hair loosely pulled back when it’s super windy, and then take it down when I get to my destination. I’ve got really wavy hair though and am very lazy, so my hair always looks like vaguely wild though.
According to the BTS, 78% of Americans drive to work and 14% work at home, so this is a nonissue for most people. I have both walk and bike commuted at points in my life, and usually wore my hair in a ponytail. Presumably there’s a reason that hats and various forms of scarfs around your head were historically popular, though.
Car culture is a cancer. We wonder why there’s an obesity epidemic.
omg seriously?
Yeah some people hate us fatties so much they can’t resist bringing us up even in a question about hair styles.
Seriously! 78% of people should not be commuting by car. We need public transit and active transportation.
When able bodied people lack the willingness or imagination to even contemplate another way to get around for some of their trips, yes, it’s a problem.
9:53, this is not the thread for that discussion. Jeez. Just offer some hair tips, or don’t, and move along.
this poster is explicitly not a car commuter why are you posting this nonsense here.
I mean, clearly this is an issue for the OP. I’m not sure how this comment is helpful or adding to the discussion?
She asked how people were commuting without getting messy hair! I first answered that question and then her implied question about how to protect her hair from the wind when not commuting by car, which is how most people do it.
And I had a point in answering that way, which is that you shouldn’t expect your hair to look perfect if you’re comparing it to people who mostly drive to work! Pretty much anything you do (hat, hood, ponytail, etc.) won’t look quite as nice after walking in howling wind for 20 minutes compared to someone who drives to work and is never exposed to the elements, so it’s not really fair to compare.
I’m in an office where almost no one drives – most take public transit + a walk from the train/subway station and a few others live close enough to just walk (or bike.
And yet, people show up to my office with more manageable hair than I do!
Pull it back for the commute and let it down at the destination
+1
keep a comb or brush in your bag or desk,
style it up,
get a soft scrunchie or ponytail holder for a temporary ponytail during the walk,
if it’s long enough, tuck it into your jacket or scarf while walking to minimize blowing around, and or
adjust your styling so you can finger-comb it
+1. Winds in Boston this winter were bad enough to give me windburn after a normal commute. I usually tend to arrive a few minutes early so I could un-bundle my outerwear, comb out my hair, and then blow my nose/wipe my watery eyes.
YES! I’ve been saying this for the past year. I’m less concerned about my hair and more about a tree toppling on my house. BUT to your actual question–a temporary braid.
“Luckily” I’m in the city so no large trees to be found but I know it’s a concern of my parents!
I live in a windy place and all my coats have hoods for this reason. A light scarf tied around your head also works if it’s too warm for coats.
How do people do this? I’ve never made this look even remotely chic, and I feel like I’ve watched dozens of youtube tutorials over the past decade. Do I just lean into the style looking ridiculous on me and focus on the practicality?
Personally I just accept I look like a babushka
I feel like there is an unspoken acceptance of the look when you live in a place with weather extremes. I live in a very snowy place and we all look like babushkas on the street, it’s just what it looks like to be a person in this weather!
You kind of need to lean into looking like you’re a transplant from the 50s. The ‘trick’ is to bobby pin the scarf to your hair in a few discreet locations. After arriving a few minutes early you decamp to the ladies room for a second to remove the scarf, stash the pins, and straighten everything up.
IDK. It’s like wearing sneakers while commuting on the subway. Not really trying to have a fashion moment. Don’t worry about what random strangers walking down the street think of your scarf if you’ll feeling better about your hair at the office all day.
I think that one looks so much more put together if they dress appropriately for the weather than if they focus just on style.
Where do you live, how windy is it, and what kind of coat are you wearing?? I live in a place where even pre-climate change, 70 mph gusts are common in the winter and the rest of the year never feels much better and there’s no way a hood stays up.
I live in a windy place. Most people wear their hair up or in a ponytail until they get to their final destination. I have short hair and can’t do a ponytail, so I pin the front section back if I’m concerned about it.
I live in northern Montana where high winds are the norm (all our snow ends up in ND, lol). Relax your hair standards. Wear a hat. Everyone else is getting blown around, too. Even the folks who drove are getting hit by the wind unless they were dropped off at the door.
As far as errands where you have an option as to the route or where you get the item, I like to plan my route to go out into the wind and come home with it at my back.
I wear mine in a low bun.
I have find straight hair as well. My windy day look is a low pony and a wide headband. I have a BUFF and a Smartwool one. I just don’t plan on looking good while walking to work. I brush my hair when I get to work.
i feel like this is definitely what claw clips are perfect for and why i’ve worn them even when they were out of style. you shouldn’t wear them in a car, but otherwise clip them to the strap of your bag, clip your hair up when you realize it’s windy, and then take it down when you’re inside. i like claw clips because they don’t really affect my long curly hair so long as i clip them in carefully.
I live in Chicago near the lake with heavy winds. Wearing your hair straight, tying it back in a loose ponytail, and brushing at your destination works best. If I curled my hair then I twist it into four big coils and tuck it under my jacket. Be aware of thick collars or rough fabric on your jacket. They’ll tangle the hair at the nape of your neck.
I’d like swim cap advice, please.
I have hair that is long enough to get in my face, but not long enough to tie back effectively. I swim slow laps. I have a giant head.
Any advice on what swim cap I should buy? Also, is my assumption that my hair will get wet no matter what correct?
I don’t have advice on which to buy, but yes your hair will still get wet!
Yes, it will get wet. I shower before putting the cap on so it is wet with non-chlorinated water first. I also have a large noggin and mainly use the cap to help keep the goggle strap from tearing my hair out. The cap also doesn’t like to stay on without the goggles in place. If I didn’t wear goggles I would probably skip the cap since my hair is short.
Yes, your hair will get wet (and also nothing feels better at the end of a workout than taking off your cap and goggles and dunking your head).
Id just get a speedo cap.
+1
they stretch
I would start with a cheap latex cap and see if that works. I’m a former competitive swimmer with thick hair and a giant head. They are pretty stretchy. In fact, I can tell you from experience that it is possible to get an entire person inside one of those caps.
Tip – it is easier to get a cap on if you wet your hair first.
You should shower to wet your hair before putting on your swim cap. That helps keep pool water from saturating your hair, since it’s already wet.
There are large swim caps for people with big heads and lots of hair (like me).
I am team silicone caps 1000 percent. Latex caps pull your hair both putting it on and taking it off (assuming your hair isnt an inch long all over). If possible, I make a stubby tail to make it a little easier to put the cap on. Then stuff in anything loose. Your hair will get wet. They say to rinse your hair before getting in a pool so your hair absorbs less chlorine—I don’t do it, it’s fine.
Caps stretch a lot.
i used to be a lifeguard and always kind of laughed at the regular lapc swimmers who would come in and do a slow breaststroke so they could keep their head above water — but now i can see the wisdom in that if they didn’t want to get their hair wet. still need a swim cap, but you might survive the swim with mostly dry hair.
i have some special cap for long hair and tried to find it but failed in my amazon history – but there is a cap called “the whale” that’s extra stretchy.
Oof, it’s not great to hear you were judging your patrons for how they chose to swim!
Thank you, all!
That’s a cute jacket. I have a couple of Nic and Zoe pieces and have really liked them. Too bad its on the upper end of my budget!
This is sad to think about, but I’ve realized that I need a standby funeral dress. I used to have a Boden ottoman dress that worked great for this purpose. Unfortunately, I’m two sizes bigger now. Should I get a new ottoman dress or look for something else (preferably something that allows for size fluctuations, as I want to have it for awhile)? I live in the Midwest with many temperature fluctuations, so finding the right fabric weight is tough.
Reorder the Boden dress in a bigger size? I tend to repeat what’s worked if it’s a classic item and change things up with accessories.
FYI I see a lot of them on ThredUp if you want to get one used.
The J. Crew Mathilde dress in luster canvas successfully served me at two recent funerals, one in Florida and one in New England. It’s forgiving in the hips and thighs.
That’s a beautiful dress. I carry most of my weight in the hips and thighs, so good to know that it’s forgiving.
I’d look for something like this – a-line or fit and flare is forgiving, and the fabric looks like it’ll work for everything other than deep summer. This would be a touch dressy for some funerals but I’d rather have a crepe vs. a jersey as I think it’s a nicer looking fabric in the event you need it for a more formal event.
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/fit-and-flare-crepe-wrap-dress/WX00891.html?dwvar_WX00891_Color=BLCK&quantity=1
I’d buy the dress that you know works. I know it can feel bad to rebuy something in a larger size, but if it’s a proven winner that makes you feel appropriately dressed, buy it.
Do you not have any other black clothing? I have so much black and dark gray office attire that I have never considered the need to shop specifically for this purpose.
Honestly, I don’t wear a lot of black, other than pants! But I hear what you’re saying.
i think i’ve told this story here but the last time i wore a proper black dress to a funeral and old lady told me i looked glamorous. ever since then i basically wear a work outfit in black or grey or navy.
In my circles, a pair of dark pants and a suitably subdued blouse or sweater is what most women wear to a funeral. (All bets are off in summer.) Maaaaybe a dress, if they happen to have one that is dark and appropriate, but that’s not the norm.
But most of the social circles I’m in are not full of people who work in offices with formal dress codes, or People with Money. Those groups would more easily have funeral-appropriate suits or black dresses waiting in their closets.
I’ve had this dress in lots of sizes. I’d get the size up.
I got eyelash extensions for the first time yesterday because I wanted to look good for a girls’ trip coming up and a wedding that I am attending (it’s an Indian wedding so everyone goes all out with the outfits and general appearance.) I realized that the girls’ trip includes a spa day which I was really looking forward to, which includes a facial. I know they can avoid steam and eye towels, etc to preserve my eyelashes, but I don’t really want to do that – I want the full facial even if my eyelashes fall out because of it. I can get them filled in again before the wedding. I am just feeling stupid about getting my eyelashes done before this spa trip.
I’d let the facialist know – I’d bet they can replicate the full experience in ways that will preserve more of the lashes or sub in a UV mask for steam for example (tbh I don’t know what the steam is supposed to do…your pores aren’t doorways, they don’t open and close, and most people don’t have SO much gunk on their faces that regular cleansing won’t remove).
Just tell the facialist, you won’t lose any part of the experience, they can work around it. I get lashes all the time.
if it makes you feel better, I probably would have made the same blunder! Live and learn…
I’ve never resized a ring before, is it expensive? I received a 14k gold ring as a gift and I think it needs to go up by just .25.
It’s usually less than $100. I’ve sized down a few times for about $50. I think sizing up costs more because they might need additional gold?
I would guess around $100 for the jeweler’s time if it’s a simple band, plus the cost of the gold.
It’s not expensive, and I’d ask the jeweler what they recommend in terms of sizing. They may recommend smaller or bigger depending on your fingers and knuckles.
Can I rant about weight loss?
Trying to lose ~10lbs (currently 143ish lb at 5’2″). I started working out more in January (Orange Theory 2-3x a week, Pilates 1x a week) and didn’t really see any change. Started tracking calories in April month ago (same workout schedule) but still the weight hasn’t moved. My weight fluctuates anywhere from 143 to 146 on any given day so I’m not even below that yet.
Do I need to add more cardio? Not go out to eat ever? What am I missing?
Tbh, if I was in that situation I’d accept that my body wants to be a little heavier and focus on turning that to muscle with some weight lifting and high protein diet.
Have you seen your PCP? There are a lot of things can be off that make it harder to lose weight just from working out and tracking calories, some of which are kind of common. It’s totally fair to complain now that you’ve given lifestyle change a try.
She mentioned tracking calories but not reducing calories. And only starting with that last month. Even if she started reducing at the same time, that would only be maybe 2lb of loss assuming .5lb a week which is a typical goal. Exercise alone is not going to result in much weight loss unless it’s like hours a day of cardio.
Absolutely agree that exercise doesn’t lead to much weight loss on its own (eventually building muscle mass and raising metabolic rate can help some).
It’s my impression that calorie tracking and restriction isn’t as commonly advised as it used to be, because we know more about long term outcomes than we used to. But informed by some basic tests, an RD can still advise on what and how much to eat.
Well you can’t lose weight without expending more calories than you’re taking in, and I don’t think modern medicine has been able to overcome that law of physics yet.
Yes but cutting calories too much can reduce expenditure so much that you still don’t lose weight, thanks to the body’s homeostasis mechanisms. Unless you want to starve yourself perforce, but the long term outcomes are especially poor in that scenario.
That is not a thing unless you’re close to starving.
A lot of the “starvation mode” stuff that was popular for people to talk about related to cutting calories turned out not to be true, fwiw.
I’m going to continue to believe every endocrinologist I’ve ever seen about this over people here who are committed to calorie counting.
Sorry I wasn’t clear, I’m using the Lose It app and it has me ~1350 calories/day to lose 1lb a week.
Well, something is clearly off then, and those calculators are starting points, not absolute guidance. Maybe you’re eating more than you’re tracking, maybe your TDEE is lower. Don’t add back calories from exercise.
what’s your age? sadly the answer is different if you’re in your 20s vs your 40s. if you’re past 35 add protein, fiber, strength training, and slow cardio like walking — orange theory and pilates are bonus workouts.
Co-sign. Up until 45, I was on a runspringa every lunch and dinner, at the same size as from 30. Since then, It’s a lot of work not to gain a size a year. And aggressively watching what I eat and portion sizes. So I think you are doing everything right. It’s a battle just for stasis; otherwise, I’m losing ground. Weight training is the only thing that seems to move the needle on size (which may not move the needle much on weight, but you’ll firm up).
I’m 30!
Orange Theory is the easiest way I can fit working out in tbh; 25 minutes of strength and 25 minute of jogging/power walking where someone just tells me what to do; if I had to figure it out myself, I likely wouldn’t exercise at all.
It’s probably the same thing: we slow down, our bodies change, and it’s all the work not to slide downhill faster.
Stop eating after 7. Working out changes your shape and your form, not your size.
Are you weighing your food? It’s basically impossible to be accurate about calories if you’re not.
This. 80g of pasta is a lot less than many people think it is. So many restaurant servings of pasta are 2-3 portions.
If I ate the serving size of pasta, I’d be starving immediately after. I don’t know how other women manage it but I just can’t.
Pasta is not an entire meal. Start with a salad, then a prima (pasta), then a secondi (meat or fish). Or if plating the whole meal at once and looking at plate, pasta is one quarter of the plate, the other half is salad, and the last quarter is a protein.
It takes 20 minutes for your body to register if it’s full or needs more food, so have a cup of tea and come back for something else if you need to later. I like sweet dessert or either cheese and grapes or cheese and olives. The really good cheeses are worth it and they cost enough to be savored.
I do all that – our typical pasta meal is pasta with meatballs, sauce, some Parmesan, and either roasted vegetables or a green salad. I still need more than the serving size of pasta to feel full.
Weighing your food doesn’t mean you have to just eat one serving, though. You can eat your entire daily calories in pasta, if you want to. It’s about being accurate in tracking.
I find it makes a big difference to slow down. Like plate and eat the green salad first. Then plate and eat the plates with some sauce and a sprinkle of parmesan. Then plate and eat the meatballs with sauce. Then tea or coffee, then finish the parmesan serving maybe with some fruit. Pears are great with parmesan.
Well no duh, pasta is a highly processed carb, it’s basically eating sugar. Of course it’s not going to fill you up unless you eat a ton of it.
Pasta isn’t a food most people eat for weight loss.
I am weighing/measuring portions for most everything.
This is it. Weigh your food – everything you eat – for a while until you get a good idea of how many calories you are consuming. Don’t forget about calories that you’re drinking.
I could’ve written this exact thing. I’ve basically given up on weight loss. Not working out, not eating well, but expecting those things to actually result in anything meaningful. I’m about 20 pounds heavier than I’d like to be.
It sounds like you’re expecting the workouts to result in weight loss. They can but it’s very hard. Steady state cardio is your friend in that area. Most weight loss will come from changing what you eat. You said you started tracking your calories in April but did not mention reducing them. After a month or so, you know that what you are eating now will maintain your current weight and you will need to reduce if you want to see weight loss.
I also need to track activity levels plus water intake, protein intake and fiber intake to see any loss. I liked both the Weight Watchers app over Noom for this but you can do it without either. I cook at home and buy any WW food or processed diet foods. I track for a few months every couple years if I notice changes in a direction I don’t like. That usually makes me realize if I’m off on fiber or protein or if I’ve added in more donuts or cake at the office or missed more activity goals than I realized. I float around the upper end of ‘normal’ BMI and I’m fine with that. YMMV.
My calorie tracker has me around 1350 (using the Lose It app) to lose 1lb a week, which tbh has been hard to meet and not feel hungry all the time.
I’m vegetarian so getting enough protein has always been difficult; it has me targeting 66g per day. Greek yogurt and protein powder gets me to ~50g.
Are you hitting your fiber target? That matters a lot for feeling full. Maybe push yourself to hit your protein and fiber targets every day for a couple weeks and see where you are.
Listen, you’re not going to be able to lose weight without feeling hungry sometimes. Gotta learn to deal with some discomfort!
I found the Obesity Code very helpful and my biggest take away was to stop snacking between meals. Your body isn’t meant to be constantly processing glucose.
My experience is that it’s very difficult to outsmart your body. If your body is holding on to extra weight, it could be helpful to find support getting to the root cause. Things like sleep, sunlight, time in nature, emotional expression/repression, seasonality of food, times of day you are eating and emotional state while your eating to to have a much bigger impact on weight/fat retention that calories in vs calories out.
Sleep is so important! Closing the kitchen at 8pm and going to bed at 10pm made the biggest difference for me.
You don’t mention body fat percentage. If you started working out in January, you may have gained muscle. You may have gained muscle and lost fat and that’s why the scale hasn’t moved.
That could be true, I haven’t tried to measure that. I heard the devices that measure body fat%/muscle % are not that accurate.
It doesn’t have to be precise. If you didn’t lose weight but your clothes fit looser, you lost fat but gained muscle. The scale only tells part of the story. Or get a tape measure and track waist and hips.
+1 on the tape measure for waist, hips and arms. Easy way to measure your progress.
At least in my area, a DEXA scan costs less than $100. They’re supposed to be more accurate, and I think the information is fascinating. The tape measure method is also helpful. Weekly pictures of yourself wearing a bathing suit or something similar also can help you see changes in your body over time.
I’d also suggest changing your LoseIt app to give you more calories per day (so maybe aiming for .5 pounds per week instead of 1). I also use LoseIt and like it, but, particularly with good workouts, I need a lot more calories than the 1350 you mentioned above. I don’t think 1350 is sustainable and it will not help you grow muscle.
lol I’m sorry but unless she’s devoted herself to athletic training at the same intensity as a professional athlete, this is really unlikely.
Restaurant food is generally unhealthy, even things that may seem like they would be ok. If you’re eating out multiple times per week, it’s working against you. Also, it’s great that you’re working out so much, you’re definitely over what doctors recommend, but it takes a lot more than ~3 exercise classes per week for it to make a big difference.
This. A restaurant meal can obliterate a week of exercise classes. Make sure to count the calories from the restaurant’s nutritional menu online, not just log it as the same as homemade. Many restaurant meals, even salads, are close to a day’s worth of calories.
Has anyone bought any work dresses they’d suggest recently? I am failing to find something that’s not overly ruffle-puff, not a shirt dress (or at least only buttons to the waist), of a thicker fabric vs. cheap thin ponte, and is (ideally) washable. I’m only 5’4 so Boden dresses are typically both too large and too twee for my size. May have to make the trek to my one Ann Taylor this weekend to do some in person shopping.
Crossing my fingers this one goes on sale as it’s basically perfect but…$338 is a lot:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/plaid-fit-flare-cotton-midi-dress/8332925?origin=bag
did you see that other colors of the same dress are on sale?
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/button-up-cotton-midi-dress/8110387?origin=coordinating-8110387-0-1-PDP_1_PERSO_NMM-recbot-vertex_recs_ymal_v2&recs_placement=PDP_1_PERSO_NMM&recs_strategy=vertex_recs_ymal_v2&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=8332925&color=BLACK
BRFactory has a bunch of linen-blend styles that worked for me. Washable, not ruffle-puff; my favorite is what I consider to be a shirt dress but is a very similar cut to the Nordstrom one you linked (and not as $$).
i see the advice here a lot to do a “bulk” to put on muscle — has anyone actually ever done one? you seriously didn’t gain weight eating all the extra calories?
Who here ever talks about bulking?? This isn’t the fitness subreddit.
You can’t bulk without putting on weight, that’s impossible. That’s why there’s a bulk/cut cycle.
You can’t bulk without putting on weight, that’s impossible. That’s why there’s a bulk/cut cycle.
Isn’t the definition of bulking gaining muscle weight?
Well if you’re bulking, you’re gaining other weight too.
I haven’t seen this a lot, one person mentioned it a few days or a week ago. You can’t ‘bulk’ without adding weight.
Of course you gain weight, that’s the point! But it’s more muscle weight, so it feels and looks good. If you lack stamina or have plateaued trying to lose weight, bulking can be a really good way to change gears and still make progress on a physical goal.
I’ve never seen advice here to bulk. That’s a man thing. I have a few women friends who are bodybuilders and even they don’t really call it bulking, though that’s basically what they’re doing. The goal is to gain muscle not fat, which is really hard to do and requires a very strict eating and exercise and type of exercise schedule. I don’t think non-athlete women ever bulk, it’s just too hard to manage.
Advice needed: my mom is depressed and I don’t know what to do about it. She was sort of forced into retirement, which came with a fairly generous package. My dad still works and they are well off. But, most of her identity and social network came from work, and she has been really adrift since (it’s been a few years). She doesn’t really have hobbies and she is an introvert, but she is bored and lonely and seems to spend a lot of time resenting that her life didn’t turn out as she wanted. I feel for her but I’m also really frustrated because she won’t do anything to help herself. I have suggested a million things that could help – join a class, volunteer at the humane society, join a hiking group, learn a new skill, whatever – and she always has some reason why it’s not exactly what she wants and it doesn’t work with her schedule and she is “too busy”. But then she tells me she’s bored and lonely and sad. I live far away so there is only so much I can do – I call regularly, have told her she is always welcome to visit, etc. But I feel like I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and she spends a lot of time online feeling like society hates her instead of actually interacting with society – and I’m frustrated. My dad is a bit clueless but nice, he loves working and plans to work for several more years. Anyone else go through something similar? Any advice?
What about something related to her old job? Like sit on a regulatory board for her profession? What were her hobbies beforehand? It’s hard. My mom also hates joining stuff unless she has someone to join with. It’s exhausting with all the complaining.
Her hobbies were Jazzercize and piano, plus hiking. But she has back problems, so both Jazzercize and streneous hiking are hard for her know. She plays the piano, but that’s not super sociable. She was taking a musical theory class, but then they moved to a different location far away and she didn’t want to go anymore. I like the regulatory board idea, she did IT project management so I don’t know specifically how that translates. She did try to be a consultant after she retired but she doesn’t have a good personality for selling herself. She did well in a corporate environment where all she did was do her job and do it well.
She may need to work to some degree. Encourage her to contact her prior work colleagues / contacts and see what’s out there – anything from contract work to even volunteering.
She also needs to go back to physical therapy and work on her back issues and transition to a type of exercise she enjoys after re-learning how to strengthen her core. No excuses, or she will only get worse from the inactivity.
It is very common to feel like your Mom does. My Mom had a similar career ending situation. Treating depression is helpful, and communication with your Dad is key, or it gets worse. Encourage her to see her PCP and tell them your family is concerned about her mood.
And a small thing…. keep calling, and ask for advice/help with things. She needs to know she is valued and respected.
The best lesson I’ve learned in life is that I will never be able to make my parents, who are grown adults with all their mental faculties, do what they don’t want to. And it’s not my responsibility to do so, either, even if I know they are not making the best decisions.
+1. Don’t expect them to take you up on your advice. You can care and be concerned and say so, but you probably can’t change your mom’s outlook on life or give her the magical solution.
This is so frustrating. My mother has been somewhat this way for decades. If she is having physical symptoms, like insomnia, you might encourage her to talk to her doctor and see if the doctor prescribes an antidepressant. That might be enough to lift her a bit, which could in turn motivate her to make some changes. Or see if she will try therapy. But ultimately, she has to decide she wants to help herself.
I think she needs an antidepressant. Depression is very common in older adults, especially under these circumstances, and an antidepressant might help lift her just enough so that she can start doing all the other good things that will fuel her through this stage of her life.
How do you feel about crafty friends?
The situation that spawned this question. I’m a big crafter for both environmental reasons and as a hobby. I love rescuing old materials and being able to occupy my mind with something. I had a bit of a weird situation I want a vibe check on though. I turned a lot of old dress shirts into a quilt (not t shirt quilt, proper patterned quilt). A friend commented on my ‘beautiful bedding’ and asked where it was from then sort of made a scrunched face and said ‘oh’ when I said I had made it with old clothes.
Your friend is just weird. Don’t make this more than that
I personally am impressed by crafty people because i don’t have great hands. That said your question seems to be really ” is it rude for a friend to scrunch their face when i said i made a quilt out of old clothes” to which the answer is definitely yes. especially if it’s your bedding (i don’t have a problem with it but there are definitely people who are squeamish about used textiles)
It seemed like she loved it until she realized I didn’t buy it at pottery barn.
Being squeamish about used textiles is so weird as if the bedding at hotels hasn’t been slept in and washed before.
That sounds like an AWESOME project. Some people are just weird about anything not store bought new. I don’t get it myself (and I’m not made of money), but to each their own. This is not a “you” problem and she was a bit rude, even if unintentionally so.
you’re fine. the only thing that is a turn-off is if someone is preachy about it like “omg of course I wouldn’t buy new! I saved my old shirts from taking up space at a landfill!” is very different than saying “oh thanks! I actually made it from shirts I wasn’t wearing any more!”
Agree
I craft, but as a mental break from work. Not to save the planet.
I also craft for utility, like a hat for a friend with cancer or a baby blanket.
did you literally say old clothes or were you paraphrasing? Maybe it made her sound of rags.
Most of the people I hang out with are STEM professionals in a blue bubble, so everyone either has a craft or exercise hobby and often it’s both. You wouldn’t be unusual one bit, but obviously my experience is not the norm.
*think*, not sound
As a STEM professional with crafty hobbies myself, this is my take. “Old clothes” give a different connotation than “cool reclaimed vintage fabric” vibes.
this
Well, your words were doing a good marketing sell. “Old” isn’t the best adjective usually. “Organic dead stock long-fiber sea island cotton” or whatever has a better ring to it. So does “cotton” or “Oxford cloth.”
LMAO, I guess I’ll start calling it an artisanal custom made environmental friendly cotton poplin quilt.
Old clothes = ropa vieja , which is a delicious Cuban dish.
Like can you just call it a quilt and stop with the preaching?
There was no preaching she asked where I got it and I told her I made it with old clothes. Should I lie and say it was from a store?
you could also say that you converted beloved tshirts or something like that.
I agree that “I made it from old clothes” sounds a bit . . . dingy. “I made it!” sounds impressive!
Your friend is weird.
IIRC, quilts are historically made from left-over or repurposed cloth. So I feel that that aspect is assumed for pieced quilts you make yourself (vs bought quilts). Hammering home that you quilt for the planet may be a bit of a turnoff. And “old clothes,” particularly shirts, often have fabric that is not great (so not worth repurposing), vs a party outfit with beautiful fabric in like-new condition. It’s probably how you act and your phrasing — it could have just been a bit too much.
I didn’t say any of the things you’re accusing me of to my friend, just that I made it with old clothes. Men’s dress shirts are typically 100% cotton and great for repurposing
You said it here. That flavor may carry through?
many of us are pointing out that your word choice makes the quilt sound less appealing. “old clothes” sounds like a garment that fell off the hanger at Goodwill and has been kicked around the floor. “I used some of DH’s old dress shirts for the design” sounds creative and fun.
I’m a quilter, and some people are just a little weird about quilting as a hobby. I’m not really sure why, but that’s been my experience. I think some people just don’t have an appreciation for handmade items. I personally think it’s wonderful in lots of different ways.
On a side note, I’d highly recommend watching ‘The Quilters’ on Netflix. I just watched it last weekend and it was definitely a spirit lifter.
I’m struggling with my job situation. I work in finance (think private equity, hedge fund, etc) on a very small investment team run by 1 portfolio manager. Our fund’s performance has been strong and we manage a lot of assets for our size. I was put on a PIP mid-year last year, but improved my performance since, which was affirmed by the PM. Over the past few months there has been a lot of turnover (~20% of the team). Most recently, he fired 1 very senior colleague 2 months ago. 2 weeks ago, the team interviewed a new person and he hired this new person and fired another colleague same day with zero advance notice. We are interviewing someone else in 1 month, who is more junior to me but in my area of specialization. My boss has an MO of firing someone to add a new person to the team, so I’m worried that my job is on the line here. The wrinkle is that I am on a work visa and the firm is sponsoring my green card, so it would be very hard for me to move to a new firm. If I get fired I would only have 60 days grace period before I have to leave the country.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Should I talk to my boss and ask where I stand? Note that he is fickle so I’m not sure I can trust what he says even if it is positive. Should I look for new roles ASAP? Any pointers appreciated.
The standard advice is that you need to be job-hunting when you are put on a PIP. Recognizing that the green card issue complicates things here, I don’t think you can assume your job is safe. (unless the PIP was for a very specific reason that no longer exists, like family illness or chronic tardiness that you’ve resolved.)
I was job hunting last year, but dropped out of 2 processes/turned 1 offer down due to my boss telling me I was off the PIP due to improved performance + worries about visa issues under Trump.
Jump back in to the hunt. Your boss sounds volatile and if you were getting offers, your resume must be reasonably strong. I work in PE and know my firm will sponsor a visa for the right candidate.
Job hunt like your ability to stay in the country depends on it.
A PIP is nicknamed “paid interview prep” because you’re supposed to be using the time to find a job that is a better fit.
The trust has been broken on both sides. It’s time to move on.
actions speak louder than words. Dive back into the hunt.
I’m in the market for a new sectional sofa. I don’t really have a budget. Where have you bought your sectionals from and what was your experience? I’m looking for a smaller/medium size sectional (think 4 seater with a chaise and maybe an ottoman). Looking to get bright ivory in a velvety material (I’ve always had white sofas so no problem there – I don’t have or want kids lol).
I should add that I want white glove delivery. I do NOT want a bunch of pieces shipped to me that I have to put together myself. I’ve been getting inundated with ads on Instagram for sectionals and most of them come like this, it seems.
I had to put my sectional together myself, but you might surprised how easy assembly can be these days if it’s been a while since you bought a sofa. I understand if you don’t want to deal with it even if it’s easy.
A local in-person furniture store sounds like your best bet.
Pottery Barn has a “small space” collection of sectionals. A neighbor has this one and it looks good IRL. https://www.potterybarn.com/products/buchanan-chaise-sofa-sectional/
Room & Board
Sectionals are out of style. Get two separate couches or a couch and a chaise.